Autumn 4th Quarter Journal 2011 October-December

 

OCTOBER

1 October 2011 Saturday

I woke up at 4 this morning with my mind racing about what Kyle said to me yesterday that he was afraid to be alone with me. I got up and wrote him the following email at 4:30 this morning-

Dearest friend, It concerns me to no end that you would think of me as a molester and that you and Marty don't feel safe around me. It may have been just the anger and hurt you were feeling talking but I feel like I need to let you know what was in my heart. 

When we clung to each other that horrible night last July we had not yet had a resolution. I was in anguished because I feared there was no recourse but to call your probation officer. We cried. You cried. You were hurting so much. I was hurting so much.  Neither of us were logical, even you, so you know how deep in despair I was.

 I said I can't bare this and you said you could not go back to prison at any cost. You quietly said that no matter what happened you would always be here. You would always be here. Whether or not you meant killing yourself rather than going through the legal system again or not, I was distraught over the possibility. I was seized with fear.

I had a lover who tried to kill himself when I was in college...those scars never heal. The thought of you being no more- was excruciating to me. I lay with my head on your heart and said you had a good heart that I loved your heart and I touched your groin to feel the life force that is you.  It was not sexual in anyway.

I was not trying to have sex with you. I was not trying to force myself onto you. I was trying to hold onto your life force.  I needed to connect with your soul.  You know that about me. I have to touch to insure a sense of reality.  That you are real and not just a dream.

This is why the next day after church I accepted the burden you placed on me because I loved your soul.  I connected with your soul. 

Now that you are gone and I no longer can touch you- the whole time you lived here seems like a sweet dream.

What I did to you Thursday was inexcusable. I do not ask for your forgiveness. Perhaps your understanding.  I have felt so powerless so meaningless these past weeks as I saw you slipping away.  I felt like you held all the cards in whatever relationship we had. 

Feeling old, useless, and abandoned I lashed out in one cruel unthinking emotional attempt to hurt you as I was hurting. I felt emotionally and irrationally that shutting the door in my face was symbolic of you shutting me out of your life. It was like you slammed the door to your life in my face and on my heart. 

If you felt wounded and vulnerable from my vile actions that is how I had been feeling for two months, may be longer. 

Perhaps when you said you could never love me, it brought back and opened the unhealed wound a fresh, when John Cunningham said to me 40 years ago, "I don't love you." 

Telling another boy you loved them 40 years ago is not the same as today and after opening up one's core to another at such a young age, I was only 19, I think damaged me in ways indescribable.

Twenty-five years ago I opened my heart to love again to a beautiful young wood carver.  Emotionally he said he needed my love but that he could never be my lover. He was the only love that I tried to kill myself over.  I couldn't bear to live in a world without love.  Some very caring friends helped me through that crisis and at the age of 35 I learned just to settle. Never expecting to find love in this world. 

I settled for Mike Romero. I loved him and I still do. At one time I thought he loved me. You put up with a lot for security and companionship but a loveless relationship eventually ends.

Perhaps that is why I've been searching for someone to love me all my life. 

I am sorry that I fell in love with you.  I am not sorry at all that I love you but that I put you through having to deal with an old man's last grasp at happiness. It's not fair to you.  Your vitality and life force drew me life a moth to a flame.  May be that is a good analogy.  It's not the light's fault that the moth gets burned.

I hope you and Marty can find a way to make a life together.  I am sorry that Marty only saw my jealous craziness. I am sorry for any heartache I may have caused you both.  The only good to come from this mess is maybe you and Marty will have grown closer and deeper having dealt with what I put you through.  He must really care for you to be so protective of you.

I sat through Kathy Griffin last night the whole time thinking of you and remembering us sharing her.  That is how I hope you will remember me and not be afraid of me as we begin to fade away. 

You see, being older I know how the story ends. Perhaps that is the real tragedy of living too long but what else can one do? Miles to go before I sleep.

Kyle I do want to thank you for everything. The good and the bad.  You made me feel alive again. More importantly you made me “feel” again.  If the low is so low now it is because the high was so high.  If I loved the joy you brought me I cannot despair at the sorrow.  I was dead inside before meeting you.  Thank you for giving me another chance at experiencing life. 

When I say I will always love you these are not empty words. There will always be a home in my heart for Kyle Foote. Love Ben”

I then went back to bed and woke up at 8:00 this morning to discover that Kyle had blocked me on Face book. I guess that tells me all I need to know. I cried and cried out loud like a wounded animal. I felt broken.

At 8:43 I wrote back to him; “I am sorry you felt the need to block me from face book.”  The I added “If your intention was to break my heart by un-friending me, mission accomplished. I won't bother you no more.”

I posted on Face book- “Back to eating for one. Time to go clean out the pantry and refrigerator of things I bought for someone else. Things I don't need. What do I do with a half-eaten 5 lb. bag of Gummy Bears or bottles of Dr. Pepper or a tub of chocolate ice cream? Like the song said, “I should be happy having one less egg to fry.”

Greg Hardin tried to make light of what I wrote and said that I should put them in Jello but I wrote him back, ““They went into the trash. That was Kyle's favorite thing to eat Gummy Bears with chocolate ice cream. Must have meant something to him, the crazy kid.” 

I wearily got up and took my medicine because I knew it was going to be a bitch of a day. I watched a little TV then Chuck Whyte wanted to go out for breakfast and I thought I better rather than go insane sitting at home.

I love Chuck to death but his constant chattering about nothing at all was driving me crazy because my mind was in turmoil and boiling over with thoughts of Kyle. He wanted to look for a vacuum cleaner and condoms and I also needed to deposit the check Kyle endorsed from his Farmer’s Market Job.

We went into Bountiful and Chuck wanted to go to Lowe’s and it made me sad because of all the time I spent there with Kyle. We finally went to Shopko where he bought a vacuum cleaner and I was just getting tired more mentally than anything else but we finally went to a Big Lots on 33rd and 13th in SLC where Chuck found his condoms.

I also saw that they had a canopy that might fit over the hot tub so after taking Chuck home I measured the hot tub and found that the canopy might work out so I went back to Big Lots and bought a 10 foot by 10 foot canopy but after bringing it home I realized I can’t put it up by myself. Oh well.

 About 5:30 in the late afternoon, I felt like I needed to call Greg Hardin and tell him that Kyle had moved out. I met Kyle through Greg and he lived with him for about 2 years.

Greg was never in love with Kyle. Just felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. I talked to Greg Hardin for nearly three hours this evening about Kyle. I Told him everything about his stealing $20,000 from me and moving out and how much I loved him and how hurt I was when he blocked me on Face book. 

Greg lived with Kyle a lot longer than I have and knows more about him. He told me things I never had a clue about that makes so much sense now. The most revealing was when Kyle lived in Syracuse as a teenager he was caught molesting other young boys and that was the real reason his parents put him in therapy not because he was Gay.  And that is the reason his folks moved from Syracuse to Taylorsville because of the guilt and shame they felt in their Ward.

Kyle also stole a truck from this company and forged the title to it. He was able to talk the owner out of pressing Grand Theft charges. Greg said that the people he stole from were people who trusted him and had taken him into their family.

 Greg also says he has a sex video of Kyle masturbating with some guy. I am now obsessed with seeing it. I told Greg it’s like Kyle is the circus and everyone got to go but me. 

Oh Kyle, Kyle, Kyle what have you done? It’s pretty clear that Kyle is a pathological liar and truly can’t be trusted. Greg said that the reason Kyle could never love me is because he’s attracted to the skinny hairless twinks that remind him of pubescent boys.

 Greg said that Kyle wears those tiny underwear to make his package seem bigger but he’s just average size. My head was just swimming with all that Greg was revealing and all of it rings so true but is it? 

Kyle is emotionally stunted sexually because, all though he’s a slut, he acts like he’s a committed person. He’d pick up guys on Craig’s list and never talks to them until they show up at the door. He likes the boys and that is why he’s so attracted to Marty Alder who is not all that cute to me but he’s like a little boy.  Strange, strange revelations. 

How you can live with someone for a year and think you know everything and know so little.  Kyle is the ultimate deadly con artist because you fall in love with him before you do a back ground check.

I told Greg that even Kyle’s mug shot is cute. 

We talked for nearly 3 hours before we got off the phone. I needed to talk to someone who knows this boy.

 

2 October 2011 Sunday

I only left the house to go shopping this afternoon. I spent the entire day mostly writing up a time line of Kyle’s criminal past. It was like I was trying to make sense of it all but I can’t.

Greg Hardin messaged me on Face Book that Kyle has a new cell phone number 1 801 910 1433. Chuck Whyte called also to tell me Kyle has a new phone number also. He also said that Kyle posted on FB that he changed his number because someone was stalking him. I know he was probably being just funny to justify getting a new phone but couldn’t help wonder if he meant me?

I did go outside and blow some of the leaves off the deck. That should be a healthy sign I would think.

I am having Charles Frost and Doug Lott over for dinner Wednesday and Charles is going to help me put up the canopy over the hot tub. Otherwise I’ve felt like a zombie all day.

John Reeves called after I went to bed but we talked for about an hour. I told him about Kyle robbing me of $20,000 and that was a major part of the insanity I have been going through. I am torn. I love him and hate him at the same time. Maybe it is the Stockholm syndrome that I am just being protective of my abuser.

Theodore Isaac Rubin wrote “I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”. That about sums it all up.

I tell myself: Fuck thinking about negative shit-Fuck being depressed-Fuck hurting yourself-Fuck crying-Fuck lying in bed for hours-Be happy and do good shit.” If only I would listen.

 

3 October 2011 Monday

Gay bashing comes in many forms. Perhaps it’s worse when done by someone trusted.  Bashing can be mental as well as physical.  While most of the effects of physical abuse will heal with time, mental abuse, and the loss of trust may never go away.

I met Kyle Foote at a private summer party thrown by some dear friends.  He was a very gregarious intellectually stimulating and handsome young Gay man.  He is also very charming, vivacious, and a bit of a flirt.  I must admit I was a bit smitten by him.  

I was impressed that he was the manager of the Sugar House Farmer’s Market, a position of trust and responsibility.

As I got to know him better, I remarked that I needed some remodeling done and I was getting too old to be climbing ladders to paint vaulted ceilings. He said he was a handyman and could do all the repairs and remodeling I wanted.  I was grateful and we agreed on a price.

 In August and September 2010, we spent a considerable amount of time together.  His boyish ways began to charm this old heart.  I enjoyed the youthful vitality he and his friends brought to my home.

As my affection for him grew stronger, I asked him to come live with me, room and board free in exchange for doing some home projects.  Since he was unhappy with his current living arrangements and had just lost his part time he accepted my offer. That was at the beginning of October of last year. 

I also let him have free use of my truck, gave him pocket money, and supported him as he went to school. 

As news of Kyle moving in with me got out, several old acquaintances called and warned me that he was not all that he seemed and asked if I knew he was a convicted felon.   I assured them that I knew that he was on probation because he had to notify his probation officer upon moving in, but I felt he was trying to pay his restitution and turn his life around.  Also by this time I was emotionally attached to him and felt protective of him.

In November Kyle was arrested for violating his probation by not keeping his restitution current.   I paid several hundred dollars so he could have a prepaid phone line. He was so embarrassed that he asked me to go on his Face book account and tell everyone that he was just out of the state on a family emergency. 

 He was in jail for about a month before he was released because I had put in a land line so he could be monitored by his probation officer. After that episode there weren’t any more relapses. He continued in college and tried to build a favorable reputation in the community.

Kyle became  well known and well liked in groups such as Simply Social and The Gay Hot Spot.  He seemed a staple at the Club JAM.

Along the way I introduced him to figures I knew in the Gay Community such as Jim Dabakis, Charles Frost and Michael Aaron.  I promoted Kyle to Michael as a writer for a column on mental health issue in the LGBT since he was a trained NAMI facilitator.  

In Spring 2011 Kyle said he would help me build a deck on the back of my house because the old one was rickety.  Many people saw the new deck’s progression as Kyle posted its construction on Face book.  At one point Kyle suggested that a hot tub be added and I agreed although I was concerned about the escalating cost of the project.

 However Kyle had masterfully planned all the details and worked his butt off making sure it was something of which he could be proud..  By June the deck was finished. 

We grew so close working together on the project with Kyle becoming more like family to me than just a person living in my house.  I even gave him access to my Chase and Lowe’s Credit Cards to buy building materials on line. I thought of Kyle as one of my best friends so it was traumatizing to learn later that he betrayed that trust.

I never looked for a credit card statement because I wasn’t expecting one. I had just paid off all the debt I had put on my Chase Card.  However between June and July , Kyle Foote ran up $15,000 worth of credit card debt  by using information he knew about me to open lines of credit without my knowledge or permission. 

He changed my passwords so that I could not look at my accounts and had all the billing come to his computer.  

On July 24th while Kyle was out with his Gay and Geek friends,  I received  an email from Chase Bank asking if activity on the account was authorized.  I knew I had not used the card since paying it off so I was concerned.  I looked for my card and couldn’t find it until I looked in my truck that Kyle had used.  There it was, along with an American Express Card in my name. 

When I called about the charges, I found nearly $15,000 racked up on the two cards.  I was in shock followed by a broken hearted.  I never had someone betray my friendship before.  When Kyle came home, my friends and I confronted  him about the charges. He confessed that all the charges were used as startup money for his Orgy.com business.  I had without my knowledge been funding his company. 

My friends encouraged me to call the police and send him to jail that night.  I was in too much shock to be rational. Kyle and I were too emotional, so my friends left and we held each other all night long and cried. Kyle begged me not to call the police knowing that he could go to prison for this. He said he could not face going to jail again. 

I later learned that he owed $266,000 in restitution for fraud and security violations and this fraud would surely send him to lock up. 

All night he cried and pleaded for me not to turn him in.  I was an emotional wreck and had no solution on what to do.  I loved Kyle too much to send him to prison but the thought of assuming $15,000 in debt at my age was terrifying.  Still I knew I couldn’t send Kyle to prison. 

We went to church together that morning.  Kyle thought he would be facing my friends when we returned home. However in church I knew that I loved him.  I knew I had to forgive him and I told him I would not be the one to send him to prison. 

Kyle pulled the car over and broke down in heart wrenching sobs.  I knew I would have to find a way to make this go away. After all we were family. 

Kyle told my friends that he would continue to make the monthly payments and I said as long as he did I would consider the money an unsecured loan.

Then things began to go south for me in August. Kyle freed from the prospects of prison, had his big Orgy.com kick off at the Metro telling people that he paid for it from land he mortgaged in Idaho. 

He found himself a boyfriend ten years younger than himself and began spending all his time with him and although I knew I wasn’t Kyle’s lover it still left me feeling like a complete and utter fool. 

The crash came in September when I found out that Kyle had racked up another $5000 for Orgy.com without my knowledge.   I nearly had a nervous breakdown over feeling abandoned by Kyle as he began to make a new life with others.  

I began acting crazy. I was crazy.  Serious depression set in as I was left more and more alone and things went black for me fast.  I felt like I had been emotionally beaten with a bat.  Kyle had chosen for friends young Gays who would never have included me.  I felt old, useless, and rejected by my best friend.

My friends were worried for me from the pain I was posting on Face book without what seemed any rationality for it because I was too protective of Kyle to tell what he had done to me.

On September 30 almost a year to the date Kyle moved in, he moved out, frustrated by my irrational mood swings.   The next day he blocked me on Face book.   That was the unkindest cut of all. There is some abuse that is more damaging then being beaten by strangers. Being betrayed  by a friend is far, far worse. There will be no rallies or fundraisers for me.

This evening I went into Salt Lake City to Kyle’s NAMI class. I waited for him to be down with his presentation and then I went up to him. We held each other and then walked out to the truck and we sat talking for about an hour.  I had to let him know that blocking me from Face book really hurt deeply and needed to know that he wasn’t angry with me and cutting me out of his life. He said he did it only to keep me from obsessing about him.

We talked in circles but came back to the same conclusion that he thought it was only good to see me once a week and that he would be over Saturday after class. He’s been couch surfing between Amy Barry and Christine Johanson. I thought it was strange that he has no Gay friends that was willing to take him in.

He said that he had to get another phone because his I-phone won’t work as long as Michael Romero still has it just disconnected rather than turned off. 

I told Kyle if we are family we should be able to get through anything. I was disappointed that he still wants to distance himself from me by say he thinks it’s what best for me. I know what is best for me. 

Even with no resolution it felt right but bitter sweet to be sitting in the truck in a light drizzle with him.

I scrapped the back of the Cruiser as I was searching for his truck when I backed up to short and scraped a concrete post. Oh well. As I know too well nothing lasts forever.

 I put an ad on Craig's List for a roommate. I want Kyle to come home but I don’t think he ever will. He said being out on his own is going to make him stronger. I just wonder if I am addicted to Kyle like some are addicted to crack. He makes me feel good when I am with him but the withdrawals are painful.

My ad went like this; “IF YOU LOOKING FOR A NICE, QUIET, AND CLEAN PLACE TO COME AFTER WORK AND RELAX, AND HAVE A PEACEFULL LIFE THIS IS THE PERFECT HOME. Hello there. I'm looking for a Gay friendly roommate! Must be employed full time or going to school and working part time. The split level house is about 1200 sq feet.  Cozy kitchen.  Vaulted ceilings, a movie room.  Huge back yard.  A deck and hot tub. Basement bedroom is furnished with a full size bed, night stands, dresser, and built in book shelf. Has own private bathroom and entry through the garage. The laundry area has a built in desk for computers or studying. Central heating/air. Washer/dryer.  Must be a dog person because have two spoiled schnauzers that run the upstairs. The stairs are gated so they can’t go down stairs.  Full house privileges for the right person. I would prefer an independent individual between 25 and 50 who is employed and has own transportation. No smokers No drugs. No felony record. No late night parties. Someone willing to help around the house and yard. Close to everything downtown and beyond.  The approximate location is 1700 North and Redwood Road. The location is ideally located near I-15 and is just a short drive to I-215 ( 2300) on-ramp.  Quick access to Bountiful or Taylorsville as well as the Gateway and the Marmalade.  Close to the airport.”

 

4 October 2011 Tuesday

I wrote a letter to Kyle Foote: “Dearest Kyle, Thanks for seeing me last night and reassuring me that you did not block me because you were or are angry with me.  However it still hurts not to see you but as you stated may be our relationship is not a Face book relationship. 

I gave you the opportunity to come home. You said that we need more distance. You want me to wean off you and you don’t want to be so dependent on me.  What I am really hearing is that you want me in your life but only at your convenience.  That really isn’t fair to me but does tell me where I stand with you. 

It’s okay.  It’s the way it is.  I am not sure why you feel this way even though you say it’s a trust issue and that I am too emotionally unstable around you. That is probably true too.  However the more I become detached from you the less and less I will want you around. May be that is the healthiest solution. 

You have analyzed yourself and me into unsustainable places.   What I hear you saying, “Can’t we just be friends?”   I wish it was that simple.  Friends come and go but those people who become family are always there. 

I know you really don’t want me much in your life anymore. That is pretty obvious.  You say you are hurting too but I don’t believe it.  May be you are. 

I know it is healthier if we probably emotionally move on.  We had at least ten months of good times.  Nothing seems to last without nurturing and tending.  

Don’t expect me to be cheerful about our parting of the ways.  Don’t expect me to see you and act like there was never anything between us. 

I know it will be easier for you to get over me then it will for me to get over you but that’s my problem.  Not yours. What you want from life is so different than what I want. That doesn’t mean I am right and you are wrong.  I just hope that you are done hurting people to get what you think will make you happy.  So far this hasn’t been working for you. 

At this point anything I try to do for you, you will view as enabling you.  Every action is viewed as unhealthy.  Perhaps it is. perhaps it is not. It’s easy to label things to shelf it and put it away.

I am sincerely going to try and get over you.  But you must accept that it will not be the same.   I still think we were brought together for a reason.  I don’t know if you do. 

I won’t be a Greg Harden type friend to you. If I can’t be a major part of your life I certainly do not want a minor role or worse a walk on part.  I don’t want to be your leading man but I wanted at least to be a sidekick.   I guess that really is too much to ask. 

The opposite of love is not hate. They are the same emotion. The opposite of love is indifference.  It frightens me that I might become indifferent to you as well as you being indifferent to me.   I would think that was the real tragedy of this is we become indifferent to each other.

I don’t hate you Kyle.  Perhaps I should but I don’t.   I truly can’t understand your motivations why you do the things you do. I’ve tried to make sense of it all but it just seems senseless to me.  But then again life is a series of random acts and avoidance of pain.  I am sure nothing I do makes sense to you either.

Kyle when I love someone I love them with all of my heart and soul. No half measures. Not what can you do for me.  It does not serve me well but that is who I am.

  I think if you are honest you are not like that.  You fear the pain that it opens you up to.  I envy you that in many ways and pity you in many others.

Love should be all encompassing but not to the extent you lose yourself.  If adequate love from you would have come back to me, I think I would not have crossed over to mania with you. 

As your love for me retreated with every attempt by me to get you to love me, the more we became swept into a vicious vortex of spiraling  emotions. We have to stop the insanity.  Both of us.  You need to stop being a self-serving asshole and I need to stop being a love sick crazed person.

Perhaps fate is against us. Perhaps our dispositions are too entrenched to keep from hurting each other.  What’s the song- You always hurt the one you love?”

In the news ex Veteran Marines are joining the protestors at Occupy Wall street and some union members.

Greg Harden wrote to Kyle- “Do you have a new BF..he is adorable!”

 

5 October 2011 Wednesday

I sent Kyle Foote a quick email to tell him I talked to Michael Romero about the phone. Nary a word back to me from Kyle.  He’s over me. What I feel is that this is a break up.

            I can't believe that Kyle doesn't want any communication with me any more than once a week. I can't believe that he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. 

I think everything he said to me Monday was for his own sake and as a way of telling me that things will never go back to the way it was.  He would rather couch surf then be with me. 

This week has been so painful, every day waiting for Saturday to finally come. What will we have to say to each other then?  He is putting time and distance between us. All that can mean is that he is breaking it off with me and that he can no longer use me or doesn't want to use me. 

I want things back to normal. I want Kyle back but I know that it is over.  Kyle said the truck tethered us at least.  I would think the $20,000 he racked up under my name and that I could send him to prison would tether us enough.  If the truck is the only way he will let me see him how awful is that?

Is the lonesomeness of his cutting me off from Face Book, from email, from a phone enough to want me to wait a whole week to see him? I feel like I am just being punished. 

Today is Wednesday. Three more days! I can't bare it.  I saw that he had a change of address, that he has a storage unit, a new phone number. I am no fool. I can see the writing on the wall. He's made the break from me. 

I've wounded him and he has wounded me.  He says it will take time. I don't have the luxury of time.  I am living in disappointment. I know he's worried that I will be compulsive and do some damages to him because he knows I have cause to do so.  If he would be considerate of me and my feelings perhaps I wouldn't be so desperate. 

A good clinical psychiatrist would have a field day with me I know. 

It feels so much like fall here now, especially with the rainy weather. Old endings new beginnings.

Gary Boren who is in California now wrote me saying: “Ben you need a good Samhain this year, say goodbye to the old and get ready for the new.” His advice is so true. 

In the news Steve Jobs founder of Apple Computers died before the new I-phone was released. Sad.

 

6  October 2011 Thursday

I wrote Kyle Foote today, “Dear Kyle, I know now that you are emotionally stunted. You can’t give me love because you can’t give anyone love. You once told me that , but it was difficult to hear and I didn’t think it was true. Now I know it is.

I know you love me as much as it is possible for you to love anyone one. You complain that I am too emotional and you are afraid of emotional people.  Kyle it is because I am an emotional person that you are not sitting in jail right now. It’s because I am an emotional person that you were able to meet Martin Alder, have an Orgy.com site to launch, and to continue on in school.

If I stop being an emotional person and become as logical as you would have me, all those things might disappear.  Are you ready to forgive me as I had forgiven you? I forgave you when you went insane and violated the terms of your probation by using my credit cards and opening lines of credit fraudulently. That was insanity too.

 You brought all this anxiety upon yourself. It’s not something I did to you. There are consequences for actions. I am paying for mine now. When will you pay off yours?”

Zach Seach wrote me about how unhappy he is living in Stansbury Park. I said “Come stay with me.  I could use the company. Maybe you could too.” Zach responded, “I’ll think about it. I don’t have a phone or car right now, so wanna try and figure that out first..”  I stated, “There's more job opportunities here in SLC then Tooele... especially if you want to go back to school.  I will also have my truck back soon, from you know who, that you can use until you get on your feet. Maybe even a phone line since I am thinking about getting a smart phone... no pressure. I don't think Kyle is ever going to come back.  I will know after this weekend.”

Zach wrote geez so he's probably not going to finish the roof over the hot tub then I suppose. I haven’t talked to douche bag in over a month. I sent him a really nice email. Lol.” I replied, “No I think he's done with me...he's supposed to come over and help finish the basement laminate flooring... I think he's too afraid of me and can't forgive me for falling for him.  He blocked me on face book so I can't have any interaction with him except on his term. He has a new phone number and did a change of address form. He's couch surfing with his two girlfriends Amy Barry and Christine Johanson...Strange he has no men friends to help him.”

Zach said, “He's an asshole.” I said, “I know but I can't seem to get that in my head.  I still think of him as family. It would be so simple if I could turn feelings off like a light switch.” Zach responded, “ Yeah I know what you’re saying.”

I wrote, “I was thinking this morning that he hasn't forgiven me but because I forgave him, he's not sitting in jail, he was able to meet Marty, have his Orgy.com launch and be in college and finish his job at the farmers market.”

Zach stated, “I think he should go to jail. That’s so fucked up. what he did to you. Who would do that to somebody that has helped em get back on their feet. Can’t believe it.”  I responded, “It’s like I am being punished for loving him and trying to be his friend...”

Zach said “This was probably a low blow, but in my email I sent him. I said I was going to get tested for STDs/HIV because of him. Lol.” I replied “LOL well it’s a smart thing but I am pretty certain that he's safe. He had himself tested at the first of the summer when he and Aaron Wood started dating.  From the amount of condoms he kept in his drawer you'd think an army was traipsing through his room LOL.” Zach revealed, “He doesn’t like using condoms. That’s probably why he had so many.”

I then said, “Zach don't beat yourself up over falling in love with a man who probably isn't capable of love and probably doesn’t love himself.” Zach wrote, “-true.” I continued, “You and I have many fine qualities like the ability to love but I don't think Kyle does. A former roommate of his, that knew him in jail, told me why Kyle likes young skinny looking boys. It has to do with his getting in trouble from seducing 14 year old boys in Syracuse when he was a teenager. I think he is stuck there.  Marty is his perfect man-child and I hope Marty is using protection.” Zach said, “I doubt they are.”

I stated, “True....But I wouldn't know from experience LOL Well I have got to get ready for another day of work... Think about my offer.  I would rather have someone in the house I knew,  that knows me and the dogs, rather than a stranger.  You could do odd jobs for me to help out for the room and board... maybe you will meet some nice guys here. take care... talk later.”

If Kyle is done with me and we have no more familial obligations to each other and no more emotional attachments then I need to do what is logical and best for me. I feel that anyone else would have already done all the following things.

I gave Kyle two and a half months to make things right with me, to treat me with respect. He followed his own emotions and I followed mine. It is time for some logic.

 Kyle’s Positives are-· He facilitates a NAMI Support group every Monday · He is going to college · He has been making his minimum payments· He says he loves me · He loves Daisy and Buddy. However the negatives are: · He a liar and deceiver · He has no integrity· He will promise anything and not follow through· He is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality · He is sexually confused.

As for Logic-There is no assurance that Kyle will keep paying his debts· He is out of work· He has to pay rent· He has to take care of his own transportation· He will only be bringing in $600 a month· Restitution is $250…There is a high probability that Kyle will never come back home· He refused my offer to use the house· He has blocked me from Face book· He has not given me a his new phone number · He has put in a change of address· He doesn’t respond to emails · He is trying to distance himself from me by saying we can only see each other once a week.

These are the Consequences-Kyle will need to be held accountable for his poor choices· Take back the truck· Give him opportunity to get all his things out of storage so he doesn’t lose everything· Prepare Martin Alder’s family and his friends for Kyle’s absence· Let him sell or shut down Orgy.com· Call his probation officer to come pick him up· Contact Michael Aaron and Gay Hot Spot

I am so scared to see Kyle on Saturday.

In the news The Salt lake Tribune reported that the Undies Run set a Guinness World Record “Why, it’s a booty-licious world record! The 2,270 participants in Salt Lake City’s recent Utah Undie Run set a world record for “largest gathering of people”.

 

7 October 2011 Friday

I developed a head cold from all the changes in weather. It snowed on the mountains yesterday. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and it was hard to go back to sleep. I Kept thinking about Kyle Foote. I can’t get him off my mind.

Today is a very gloomy Friday. I am thinking about Kyle and how we might we react to each other tomorrow.  I've sent him several quick little e-mails this week like telling I talked to Michael about the phone, that his American Express Bill of $200 was due on the 3rd of October and once even a message saying I hoped he was staying warm.  No response back. It is like he's purposely ignoring me. 

That scares me.  I am scared that he will be so indifferent to me tomorrow.  I am scared that it is the end.   I don't know what to think.  I am scaring myself. 

I had someone over yesterday. It was a disaster. All I could think of was Kyle. I sent him home.  Tonight is his second to last Farmer's Market and tomorrow is his last Saturday morning class.

This morning, in the faculty work room I talked to Jamie Fultz, Kyle's sister.  She asked how my health was and I said not so well then added because of Kyle. Then we just had a good talk. I Told her how Kyle stole $20,000 from me by opening lines of credit without my knowledge for a porno site.  She felt bad and said she felt like she dropped the ball with me and by not warning me.  She said I was like family to Kyle because he has alienated all his family too.

She said Kyle asked his brother Chris to co-sign for a loan and never paid him back. Her husband won't let Morgan and Walker have anything to do with Kyle.  Jamie said her father became cynical and said that how he knew Kyle was lying was that his lips were moving.  She asked if Kyle was on medicine. I said not that I know of.

She said that she felt like Kyle never had a chance being orphaned when he was. She said his ideas were grandiose and felt like he has a mental illness. I just wanted her to know that I might have to send Kyle to jail so he doesn't hurt anymore people.

The cold  has gone in to my chest so I am coughing. I hate that,  I went out this evening to the Q Business Alliance to get a shirt for the Pink Dot affair at the Baseball field this next Tuesday.

Greg Harden wrote to-Kyle, “has Sugar House Farmer Market closed for the season or are they there today???” Kyle wrote him back, “We still have this week and next week left for the season. Today is supposed to be chilly though! It would be great to see you at the market, but be sure to dress warm

 

8 October 2011 Saturday

Kyle Foote came over early about 9:30 this morning because his class was canceled due to the weather. We went right to work on the downstairs floors and he finished it about 11:30. The whole time Kyle kept bringing up his having a phone and I said I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I didn’t want to talk about personal things and he asked how was a phone personal. 

We went to Exxon to get a drink and then came back and returned all the lumber and hardware back to Lowes. That was an ordeal because of Returns and I was glad that I didn’t have to do that alone. I got $170 returned on my credit card and they gave me a $240 credit at the store. After that we came home and we had some stew. 

Kyle told me that he had come over a few times to see the dogs while I was at school. That made me happy. That made me feel he’s still has a connection with me but I don’t know if he will after tomorrow.

He told me that he was going over to his sisters for dinner tomorrow and if she tells him what I told her I know it’s entirely over. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon at Verizon’s. I bought Kyle’s I-phone from him and paid for another one for him. I’m  Letting him use the truck for another week.  He told me he’s not moving back in so what is the point with asking him too?

 I also spent the evening changing my email address to benedgar51@yahoo.com

 

9 October 2011 Sunday

It was a very cool Autumn day but not rainy or stormy. It is actually kind of pretty out.  I slept in and my chest cold is breaking up I hope.  This morning Charles Frost wrote me, “Thanks for this new email address. I shall keep it. Did you have to change because of Kyle? Other reasons? I sure hope not.”

I wrote him back, “No it wasn't because of Kyle...I was having problems with it like I had been hacked. None of my messages from Face book updates were coming to me and for some reason my old account was posted as part of Yahoo Canada! Bring a swim suit unless you prefer au natural for the hot tub. I have enchiladas, Spanish rice, and a fruit salad.” 

In the afternoon Charles Frost and Doug Lott came over and helped me set up the Canopy over the hot tub.  Doug screwed it down into the decking and I need to get some bungee cords to help it stay stable in the wind.

We had a nice afternoon. I fixed enchiladas, Spanish rice, and a mango fruit salad for dinner. They brought over a bottle of wine.

After dinner we all took a dip in the hot tub. I think it’s been since July that I had used the tub.   We went in au natural. I’m not a prude like Kyle. I noticed that Doug had a Prince Albert LOL.  Charles Frost is similar to me. 

Anyway we wiled away the afternoon relaxing and visiting and chit chatting.  I guess they left about 5.  I watched Leslie Jordan’s “My Trip Down the Pink Carpet” in the evening until Greg Hardin called to see how I was doing. He said he couldn’t find Kyle’s sex tape but I said that’s okay because I am over obsessing about that. 

He’s upset with Donald Steward and the Camp Pinecliff retreat for HIV people. I suggested that he could always create his own retreat.  

Before going to bed I was surprised to see an email from Kyle- He wrote: ““Thanks for the new email address. Hope the rest of your weekend went well and you were able to enjoy the beautiful weather we had today. ” 

I wrote back, ““It was beautiful day. Doug and Charles came over and set up the canopy for me and we had enchiladas, Spanish rice, and a mango fruit salad. We then relaxed in the hot tub and visited about the community and chit chat.  It was nice and relaxing. I hope you had a wonderful day too with your sister.”

Charles Lynn Frost also wrote me: “Thank you for the lovely Sunday afternoon meal and total relaxation time. Much love to you. Are you seeing George Limberakis for therapy? He could help you speed all this up.

I wrote him back- “I haven't checked with my insurance yet but I will to see what they will cover about therapy I am glad you both had a relaxing time. We all need that at times love.”

So I called and George Limberakis isn't in my insurance network. So I am having them send me a list of providers that are covered by my school insurance...so I guess that is a positive step.

 

10 October 2011 Monday

Kyle Foote called me about 9  tonight  after his NAMI meeting. He said that his sister Jamie Fultz called him and asked him if he stole my credit card. It devastated him. He called me because I think he had no one else to call.

He said that Jamie was never there for him and he was always there for her. He said he was cutting off his family and that he never wants anything to do with them again. I said as Gay people we can choose our families, choose to surround ourselves with people who support us and nurtures us.

I said I was sorry and that Jamie had asked how I was feeling. I thought she loved you. I thought she cared about you and I wanted her to know that you were not living with me anymore.  

I really didn’t have a lot to say but just listen. Kyle was emotionally distraught.  I said at least you have Marty Alder and his family for support and he said he didn’t know how much support they are or will be. He said that I was his family. That nearly broke my heart too with sadness that we could hurt each other so much.

 Maybe Kyle is right. Just Bury the pain and feel nothing. Strange  I did not cry.

Charles Frost invited me to go see Romeo and Juliette in Ogden this coming Thursday. I said I would go. Chuck said that on Wednesday he will know whether he will get his condo on 6th South and 4th East. If he does he will move in sometime the middle of November.

 

11 October 2011 Tuesday

I went up to Farmington to attend a Prevention Dimensions class for in-service credit. It lasted until almost 3 in the afternoon. I’ve had worse in-services, but I have to take them for relicensing in 2015.

 When I came home about 3:15 I found Kyle Foote here.  It makes me happy that he comes over. We chit chatted a little but didn’t say much. What more can be said?

He showed me some more stuff on the I-phone. He ate up the rest of the stew and then left to go over to Christine Johanson’s for her birthday. I had him take a bottle of wine to her.

Kyle looked a mess. I know he’s upset and not sleeping well. I asked if he was going to go to the Pink Dot Event but I don’t think he’s ready to put himself out there again. 

I didn’t have too much time to feel let down because I had to feed the dogs and then hurry to the Pink Dot Event in the parking lot of Spring’s Ball Park here in SLC.  I wore my Pink Dot T-shirt and got there about 5:30. It was a little bit over cast and cloudy but there were spots of blue sky.

I met up with Charles Frost and then made the rounds. I saw Curtis Price and we talked a little about Kyle.  I need to go back to the Baptist Church. I know Curtis cares about me.

I also saw John Fish. He was vaguely distant to me so I know he doesn’t care a fig about me. So, goodbye there.

I had my picture taken with Charles Frost and with Debbie Rosenberg.  I guess there were about 2500 people there for the event. It was the first one in the United States.  It was over by 6:30 and I came home and made some spaghetti and watched Terra Nova a new Fox TV show. 

“Everyone says love hurts but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.”

Frank Kameny one of the true pioneers of the Gay Rights Movement died today at the age of 86.

Greg Hardin emailed me today and said, ““OMG...I know Marty's Dad and Aunt. I feel I need to warn them about Kyle!!! What do you think?”

I wrote back, ““Don't do it...Kyle doesn't need any more grief right now. He's pretty low right now... please don't.”

12 October 2011 Wednesday

I went back to school. The substitute said I had a rough class. LOL Like I don’t know that?

When I came home I was half hoping to see Kyle here but he hadn’t come over at all, I could tell.

Chuck Whyte called and asked if he could move in next Tuesday.  He wrote “Can I please still move in?” I would like to move in Next Tuesday evening. Please call when you are free.”

That pay by the week hotel he’s living in is driving him crazy.  I guess his offer for his new condo was accepted and he will be able to move in November 5th so he will stay with me a couple of weeks.

Jamie Fultz talked to me this morning and asked how I was. I said that I am fine and that Kyle is like family to me. Then I emotionally told her all that he did for me, remodeling my house and building me a deck.  I asked her not to worry. I will be okay and so will Kyle. I hope so. Home is where ever you can look in the refrig and eat anything you want and nobody cares whether you do.

 

13 October 2011 Thursday

It was a busy day at school, only because I had to prepare for a substitute for tomorrow. But when I came home I was half hoping to see Kyle Foote but I truly knew I wouldn’t. I wrote Kyle “Looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day for the last Farmer's Market.” I also wrote him that I liked his Q Article but no response back.

At 6:00 Charles Frost came by to pick me up to go to Ogden to see ‘Romeo and Juliette’ at Weber State. He knew several members of the cast and wanted to support them.  I had never seen Romeo and Juliette performed on the state and I really enjoyed it although it was nearly 10:30 when I got home.

 We ate at Wingers and I treated. We visited much about Kyle.  How do I get over him? Charles said that he talked to Michael Aaron at the Pink Dot event and Michael told him that he is considering selling the QSL to the City Weekly.

Zach Seach wrote me “I've still been thinking 'bout your offer.  I'm getting some things handled then see where I’m at.” I wrote back, “For a heads up, I have this friend who is moving in temporarily until his condo opens about November 5. He sold his house and bought a condo but can't move into it until Nov but after that the place will be open. Although I can always put you up because I have a bed upstairs in the movie room if it’s a must get out situation.”  Zach Seach responded, “alright. is it that guy Charles, that Kyle and I helped move the China hutch for?” I said, “Yeah its old Chuck.” Zach Seach added “oh chuck. oops. well that’s good.” I said, “I've known him for 25 years.” Zach Seach wrote, “That’s really good then.”  I said, “Well it’s temporary. It would drive me crazy to live with him longer then that LOL. Kyle came last Sat and finished the floor and helped haul away all the lumber and hardware back to Lowes.”

Zach Seach responded, “oh that’s good. at least he stuck to his word and followed through.” I said, “He's supposed to come over this Sat and haul the rest of it to the dump. Even after all he's done he's still like my bad boy son.” Zach Seach wrote “Ugh” and I said, “I know ugh.” Zach Seach  added, “I wish you could get over him.”  I wrote, “I am the only family he has... I don't know how to love any other way buy unconditionally but I also know I don't have to be a victim either...I may be just an old fool but I don't believe Kyle was out t scam me or swindle me...I think he has an addiction a compulsion that makes him make poor choices.” Zach Seach said, “I suppose.”

I added, “I know your relationship with him was different and romantic and I know that was painful for you...Unrequited love always is. Years ago when I was running Gay support groups for SLC,  people asked me why I stayed in Utah when it’s so hard for Gay people. I said I stay because this is where the walking wounded are....and Kyle is one of those walking wounded too. Well off to work... keep touch please.” Zach Seach: “Later. Have a great day.”

 

14 October 2011 Friday

For some reason I have been crying over Kyle Foote all day. I guess because I know the end is finally coming. I woke up at 4:00 this morning and started crying over Kyle and haven’t stop since.  I guess it’s because he has not made one attempt this week to be with me or talk to me.

After Tuesday, I made spaghetti and kept it in the ice box for him with some Dr. Pepper hoping he’d come by but he didn’t bother coming over or emailing me or anything. I kept thinking that he’s really done with me. He doesn’t care about me anymore. It’s like he’s moved on and I am still stuck here. I kept thinking how he’s never said he was sorry for what he did to me.

 I went into my appointment with Dr. Volckmann at the U of U about the lap band surgery and he also gave me the option of having a bypass also. I met with the nutrition too but when they scheduled  a scoping of my stomach next Wednesday the Secretary said I would need someone to take me home.

When I left I started crying because I don’t have anyone anymore to depend on. I felt so alone. Kyle should be taking care of me but he’s not.  I just cried for much of the day. I felt so, so alone. How can I have this operation when there’s no one there for me? I was so blue all day.

 I finally called Kyle just to ask how he was doing but he said he was too busy to talk.  I told him there’s no need to call me back…I’m fine but I wasn’t. It’s the last Farmer’s market.

He later did call me but I had little to say to him. I thought he had all week to call me and see how I was doing and he would have, if he loved me at all.  Later I called Charles Frost and he said he could take me to the doctor’s if I reschedule it a week from this Wednesday but when I dropped Coco off I asked Mike and he said he could. So I guess I will go ahead.

Later Mat Domek from Ogden called me. He’s a science professor at Weber State. I guess I will go up this Sunday to meet him. We talked for about 30 minutes on the phone. Who knows what will come from it. But I’ve got to put Kyle behind me.

Tomorrow after we work in the yard I am taking the truck back. I don’t want to be tethered to him anymore.  The deal with using the truck was that he lived here.

I looked for a Therapist today from the list Altius sent me I sent this email to Machial Klerk, “I am looking for a therapist that is Gay friendly. I am looking for some counseling over issues of depression, loss, and aging issues.  I am a 60 year old elementary school teacher and have Altius Insurance. They provided your name on the network of providers Thank you.”

Greg Hardin wrote to Kyle –“Hey Kyle, how is your NAMI group going? Jacqueline asked me if I would volunteer on Monday nights, I told her that I had Family Home Evening that night. Have you thought about moving your group up to the U, they seem to have a large "LGSU" How is school this semester???

 

15 October 2011 Saturday

I cleaned the house this morning in preparation for Kyle coming over. He called yesterday and said he’d be over at 10.  I am going to have him show me how to drain the hot tub and take all the construction material out to the dump.  When we are done I want to sit down with him and talk.

I first thought that I would ask him if he was going to move back in with me but then I thought why open myself up to disappointment. He’s made that clear to me in the last two weeks that he’s not. 

I am going to tell him that the truck was part of the deal with living with me and since he has moved on, it’s time for the truck to come home. 

I cried all day yesterday scared about having an operation without any support here but what support is Kyle?  He spent his 31st year here in my home.  We both got two things out of it. He got Orgy.com and a lover and I got a deck built and a hot tub put in.  I guess that is enough. 

Kyle doesn’t take 10 minutes out of his day to call me,  to visit to keep a relationship going.  He doesn’t take one day out of the week to come spend an evening with me. It’s pretty clear don’t you think? It seems that way to me.

Kyle finally showed up 10:30 and I put him right to work. We didn’t talk and I just kept it aloof but cordial.  He showed me how to drain the hot tub and I had him climb on the roof to take a satellite dish off that Michael put on years ago.

Then we went off to the dump with all the scrap wood left over from the deck. After returning we actually had another truck load of stuff I cleared out of the shed and other crap.

On that trip we actually began to talk. I told him that I was sad that he didn’t come over any this week but he said he did on Wednesday and ate my salsa. That softened me some and I then told him how upset I was that I felt like I had no one to depend on if I have this operation.  He said that he would take me this Wednesday and if I needed someone to look after me after the operation he would stay with me.  It truly softened my heart to him again and he truly said that I was his family. 

He ate a little spaghetti and I told him that I will need the truck tomorrow to help Chuck Whyte move boxes into the house and then since he was going over to the Happy Monkey Hummus people I told him that he could take the cruiser. 

It was a beautiful day and about 3:30 we just sat out on the deck visiting and I said that I knew he loved me every time I look at the deck but as he was getting ready to leave I was shocked that Zach Seach showed up! 

He borrowed his mom’s car and came into town to see me because we have talked about him moving into the place.  It was so awkward I think for both Kyle and Zack because Zack is really mad at Kyle for how he felt he used him. But he was civil and actually it was quite pleasant sitting and visiting until Kyle had to leave.

I gave him as a birthday presents some Gun Oil lube for sex, and a 2 liter Dr. Pepper.   He said he wasn’t going to do anything for his birthday since its Monday this year and he has NAMI. 

After he  left , Zach stayed until 8 this evening, drank four beers, and we just talked about Kyle. He filled me in on what Kyle had said to him and I told him what Kyle did to me. 

Kyle had told him this whole time that he was working at SLCC and he was surprised when I told him that Kyle had been fired form there last December.  What really upset Zach was that Kyle said he wasn’t see anyone and that he was exclusively dating Zach and talked him into having sex without a condom and then to find out he had been with all these other guys he felt as betrayed as I did.  

We had a really good, good visit and when he left to go home I felt like I really had a great day. 

I wrote on Face book, “Life is weird just when you think you are going to have a crappy day it surprises you and you have a happy day. A pleasant day and evening with people I love.”

A Jungian therapist Michael Klerk wrote me- “Hi,  Thank you for your email and inquiry. I am indeed on the Altius Insurance network and I am also a Gay friendly therapist. It sounds that you have some important issues to deal with and feel free to email me or call me on 801.656.8806 to set up an appointment. You can call also during the weekend or the evening hours. Thank you for the inquiry and look forward to talk to you. Machiel Klerk M.A. LMFT Private Practice in Salt Lake City.”

Then I wrote Charles Frost- “Hope you are enjoying beautiful San Diego...I was pretty down on Friday but you set me right. I asked Michael Romero my ex to take me Wednesday and he said he would. Then on Saturday Kyle came over and we took two loads out to the dump and he said he would take me so Michael doesn't have to take off from work, The little shit should be doing things for me LOL...

And Sat even Zach Seach came over- the kid that helped build my deck whom Kyle was dicking for a while. He just dropped in so that was a surprise because he was surprised to see Kyle here.

Kyle's on his shit list for leading him on LOL Any way he's the kid I told you who wants to move in down stairs. He wants to go to LDS Business College to become a paralegal and would pay me $300 a month. How will that feel having money coming in instead of out?

Anyway Chuck Whyte is moving in on Tuesday and will be here until middle of November it looks like. He can take possession of his condo November 5th but wants to do a little remodeling.

I found this Jungian Therapist in SLC named Machiel Klerk who said he takes my insurance and is Gay friendly. Does a lot of dream work I guess. So I guess I will try him. Besides he cute. Well I rambled enough and don’t forget Aunt Beulah's saying that ‘Every body's got their own ways but some people weigh more than others!’ Love ya”

 

16 October 2011 Sunday

I had a restless night for some reason. Maybe I went to bed too early. Any way when I was up, I called Chuck to see if he was ready for me to come over and he was.  I spent the morning hauling stuff from his UpTown room to put him downstairs. I guess he will be here for at least a month. Lord have mercy. 

Anyway about 10:30 this morning I called Matt in Ogden to see if he still wanted to get together. He sounded hesitant then said okay. That kind of put a damper on things for me. On Friday he acted very excited for me to come up. Anyway he wanted to do it as early as we could so I called Kyle Foote and said I was taking the truck but should be home by 3 if he wanted to come over for some pot roast but he said he was having dinner with friends. I know who those friends are. Oh well. 

Anyway I drove to Ogden and met Matt. He was kind of attractive to me and I guess I to him because he wanted to go right to the bedroom. I said I would massage him because I thought if nothing else we could get to know each other that way. 

I was surprised that when he undressed that his underwear had holes in them and I thought that was kind of nerdy. He had a nice house but seemed more of an office then a home. I could tell he was not much of a homebody.

Anyway I started massaging him and he had a nice body for a 58 year old man except he had this kind of hunch back a little. He was kind of weird massaging it but I did the best I could and he liked it. I had him turn over to do the front and of course he had a raging hard on. I massaged him for a while until I started kissing him and then laid down with him. He started humping me and I could tell he wanted to fuck.

He stuck it in my butt for a little bit and then jacked off over my chest.  I mean it was nice but he was really not experienced and after it was over he took a shower leaving me to get dress and wait for him.  I doubt whether there will be a follow up.

I was a little disappointed. I thought him being an educated man we would have something to talk about but he really was kind of a geek.  So after that I drove back home from Ogden and was home by 1 in the afternoon.

Kyle didn’t come over until after 2 to swap out the truck. It was weird because it was like he didn’t want to stay any longer then he had too. Oh well.  

This morning I had this dream that I would adopt Kyle as my son and that he would inherit everything after I am gone. But that’s just a dream. 

Feeling rather blah after such a great day yesterday.

I wrote my new therapist Machiel Klerk: “When could I set up a visit? I work until 4 but have weekends off and can take off usually a little earlier on Fridays about 2:20. I am off this Thurs and Friday for Fall break. Thank you.” Machiel Klerk wrote back, “Hi Benedgar. We could meet this Wednesday Oct 19th for an hour, and I have time at 4, 5 and 6. Otherwise I will be out of town for a conference for several days, and could meet on Tuesday Oct 25 at 4,5, or 6pm ? Any of those times work for you? Take well care.”

 I responded, “ The 25th of October would work better for me and the 6 o'clock would be great!” Machiel Klerk replied “excellent, 10/25 at 6pm. My address is 150S/600E suite 7-C  my phone number is 801.656.8806  Take well care and see you then. Machiel Klerk.”

 

17 October 2011 Monday

Today is Kyle Foote’s 32nd birthday and I probably won’t get to see him. I left him a text message wishing him a happy birthday this morning.  I wrote, “Happy birthday kiddo…know you are loved and glad you are you.”

Last night I had a sour stomach and I took some Pepto-Bismol. That’s all I need is to have stomach cramps when I see the doctor on Wednesday. I called in for a Substitute for that day. 

Tuesday I will have to start fasting at 6 in the evening so I can have blood work drawn Wednesday morning.

I made an appointment yesterday to finally see a therapist  named Machiel Klerk. I will meet with him on the 25th at 6 in the evening at  150 South 600 East  suite 7-C phone number is 801.656.8806.

I took some Nyquil last night before heading to bed and sleep pretty well just groggy a little.  The day went fairly well at school and I played States and Capitals Bingo with the kids. They seemed to enjoy it.

 I texted Kyle and asked if he didn’t have plans could I take him out for dinner for his birthday. He wrote me, ““If I’m not in jail after I check in with my Parole Officer this afternoon then that should be fine. I do have my group at 7 though.”

I wrote him back, ““I know that is a shitty way to have to spend your birthday…You aren’t going to jail…we will go to something on 4th South so you are near your group and I will just meet you where you decide…Wingers, Chili's.. whatever…you are the birthday boy.”

He said it would be fine and we agreed to meet at Chili’s at 5 in the afternoon on 4th South just down the street from where he would be doing his NAMI class.  I ordered a hamburger while Kyle had Cheese Quesadillas.  We had a good visit. He was all freaked because he had to go to see his probation officer today and that always freaks him out.

But he said the good news was that if he paid a certain amount of money he could get off his monthly probation and just be under Court supervision.  He needed $620 and I told him I would make that happen for him. 

We also talked about something really serious.  I told him that I wanted to adopt him as my son. I told him I wanted him as my heir. I asked him if he really thought that was weird and he didn’t. He thought it was logical. I said we are family and we ought to make it legal. 

How strange that I may be getting a son at my age. A bad boy son…but a son none the less.

I texted Mike Romero and said that Kyle said he’d take me to my appointment and pick me up Wednesday but said you will have to pick up Coco and I will get Chuck to feed the dogs.

 

18 October 2011 Tuesday

After work I went to my Horizon credit union and pulled out six 100 bills and a 20 to give to Kyle tomorrow. I wrote him: “I picked up the money today so it’s there when you need it. Hope your NAMI meeting went well.”

Chuck moved in to Kyle’s old room this evening after school was out. Chevy Bolinder helped him move his stuff and set up the computer down stairs.

I stopped eating after 6 this evening for my endoscopy tomorrow and I made sure I was ready for a sub tomorrow.

I sent my Lambda Lore column in to Seth Bracken the editor of the Q. It’s on Gay History month.

 

19 October 2011 Wednesday

I was up at 7:00 this morning. and at 7:30 drove down to the Redwood Clinic to see if they would do my labs. I waited until they opened up at 8:00 and then they said they couldn’t do it without the paper work so I said I’d just go ahead and drive up to the U.

It was a bitch getting across town. I was there about 8:45. and waited until almost 9:30 before getting in to have my blood drawn. Of course they couldn’t find it on the first poke but they did on the other arm and I swear they drew 12 vials!

So I came back home and waited around for Kyle Foote to show up. Actually he came over about 12:30 and ate some roast beef before we left to Fremont Street where he paid the money that hopefully will set him free from a Probation Officers monthly observation.

One of the $100 bills was not being taken by the machine so we had to go find a bank to exchange and then rush to the U of U hospital where I had to check in at 2:30. I Made it just in time. 

After checking in, I went to the basement where there do the endoscopy and they gave me an IV and before I know it I was out and I don’t remember much after that.

At 4, I came to, enough to call Kyle to come get me which he did and then he took me home where I passed out again. I know I kept telling Kyle that I loved him. 

He stayed with Chuck Whyte and I for I don’t know how long because I fell back to sleep.

Three things I remember about Kyle today. He said no to moving his things back to the house so as not to have pay rent on a storage unit. He said no when I wanted to kiss him goodbye, and he said no to taking my last name when and if I adopt him. How easy it is for him to say no to me.

 

20 October 2011 Thursday

I spent much of the day with Chuck Whyte taking him to Chris and Dicks lumber and to RC Willeys where he bought his counter tops and rug for his new place. He may be getting into it by November 15th now because everything seems to be lining up.

I had Kyle Foote come by with the truck which he did at 5 this afternoon so I could get some plywood. Chevy Bolinder came over and groomed all the pups today and after he was done I fixed us all cheese hamburgers. 

In the news Muammar Gaddafi was killed today. What an evil man.

I wrote to Charles Frost: “My throat feels all bruised like I have been deep throating John Holmes all night without the benefits! LOL Chuck moved in on the 18th for at least a month but paid me $500. Nice to have money coming in than flowing out LOL.

Kyle did his duty by me and I guess that’s all I can expect from that bad boy... I am off for UEA until Monday...

 I am going to see Stonewall, Sunday maybe I will take Chuck. I will let you know how it goes... I hope San Diego has been wonderful get away and productive and you've had margaritas and good Mexican food! I am jealous... love...your friend Ben...PS does Doug need a casserole? How's he holding up? I can whip something up until you get home Sunday. Will be glad too. Oh I just will because you will just say he's fine. I'll bring it over after 8 when he's home.

Charles Frost wrote back, “So when do you know the results of the scoping? Glad about Chuck, and Kyle too. Kyle had damned well better do anything he can to help you, or his already damaged karma may never, ever recover.

Doug is fine Ben. Truly. He hates being fussed over, but if you wish to do this kind thing who am I to tell you not to. He just hunkers down while I am gone for a week, works lots of overtime, because he can, and makes lots of extra money.

I am not sure whether he is working on Friday or not. He is supposed to have Friday, Saturday, and Sundays off, but many times they ask him to come in on Fridays. With me gone, I suppose he will.

I am excited to hear about Stonewall and what you think of it.

Weather down here has been marine layer all day. On Monday when I arrived it was blue skies and sunny, but none since then. It may get nicer on Friday and Saturday.

 Christopher and I have to work like crazy tonight, Friday, and all day Saturday. He gets so distracted by work, and his crazy ass boyfriend John. Who has been pretty good, but last he got kinda moody and bitchy. Chris just let it roll of his back, which was good, and John went home to his apartment. I was glad.

Enjoy your UEA vacation. How nice. I remember how wonderful it was when I taught, to have that long weekend, but I was usually involved as an officer in the Utah Speech Association meetings.

What Gay married men do, stay involved so they don't have to be at home and deal. Love to you. Hope you are well. Keep me posted on the results of the scoping. Deal? Bye.”

I wrote back: “I know Doug hates being fussed over but that’s just what us big girls do…ha! I am making polish sausage with baked beans so he should be okay with that? That marine layer is why I moved away from CA LOL but when it’s beautiful there it’s really beautiful.”

 

21 October 2011 Friday

This morning I got up about 8 after staying up way too late on the computer obsessing over Kyle Foote again. But this morning I cleaned the side driveway and got it ready to empty the shed.

About noon Zach Seach called to say he was ready for me to come out to get him. He only lives in Stansbury Park rather than Tooele which was a lot easier to get to. However his place was kind of hard to find.

On the way back my transmission was acting funny like it wouldn’t shift. We stopped at Flying J and then started it back up and it seemed fine although the engine light came on. But we made it home without incident.

We started working on the shed and putting the plywood up but we got to visiting so much that we really didn’t finish because we had to quit because Zach was having a friend come over to keep him company.

When we took Coco home we stopped at the liquor store and on the way back picked up a Papa Murphy Pizza.  It seemed strange to be working on the house without Kyle but it was good to know that life goes on.

I think Zack has a drinking problem but I think he will be good company. Tylor Pilcher came over about 7 and he sure looked like Kyle’s type LOL. It was funny that we couldn’t get the TV projector to be working so I texted Kyle and he called back so I talked with him a little. 

But there’s energy in the house and as I am typing this Zach and Tylor Pilcher are skinny dipping in the hot tub.  Chuck went off with this masseuse named Raul who I’ve been with before. I think he got all worked up that Zach and Tyler are going to be having sex tonight.  Seems everyone is with someone tonight but me but that’s okay.

Charles Lynn Frost wrote: “Thank you so much. It has been overcast for the most part, in fact a bit cool. I had hoped for lovely mid-70's weather, but alas it has not been that this week. We are working and writing, and getting some good work done. I wish we had more done than we have, but it is hard and grueling work as you know.

I come home Sunday morning early, to spend one day with my honey. Hope you are well, and glad that it is Friday. Hope your week has been good too. What were the results of the scoping process, are you going to be able to do the procedure? I hope so, if you truly desire it.

My current plan with Kyle, is this. And please keep this confidential. If I/we see him out and about, we'll be friendly and greet him kindly, but I will not reach out, nor seek a friendship with him. I find him to be smarmy, and someone I prefer not to associate with other than large gatherings where we happen upon one another. Talk to you soon. Be well.”

 

22 October 2011 Saturday

Dear diary, I am feeling blue over Kyle Foote today and not sure why. May be because it’s Saturday and he never called or texted me or emailed me or came over to visit. I am beginning to feel that Kyle loved my money more than my love and affection.

This morning Zach and Tylor Pilcher slept in after staying up much of the night making whoopee. I didn’t get anything accomplished. Zach and I were going to work on the shed but he was too hung over and I had a lunch date with Jim Dabakis at noon. 

We met at the Lamb Restaurant, which is one of the oldest restaurants in the city. May be even the oldest.  I Had a wonderful meal and conversation with one of my favorite conservationists- and actually found a parking spot right in front of the Restaurant! Life's little victories.

We visited for about an hour catching up. I told him without mentioning Kyle’s name how someone I loved and trusted stole $20,000 in credit from me. He felt like I should have put Kyle in jail.  But then he told me that last December a trusted Russian friend stole $3.1 million dollars from his business plus his apartment in St. Petersburg! Wow! Two old queens being screwed by people we loved and trusted. Jim did say that he’s having the time of his life being the State Chairman of the Democratic Party.

When I came home Zach Seach was kind of sick and needed to go home so we didn't quite finish our shedding project but there's always Mañana. Zach is no Kyle.

After coming back from Stansbury, I went grocery shopping and made split pea soup. I realized when I was making it that I put onions in it so I am slowly letting go of someone in my life by cooking for me and not for Kyle. May be that is some growth. 

In the evening on Manhunt, a former student of mine from about ten years ago said hi to me! That was so damn weird. I couldn’t remember his name though. I also met on Manhunt a man from Vermont who was in SLC for a conference and I went over to his hotel and we had great sex. He felt so good but he was not Kyle…

Chuck Whyte had his friend from Orem I think his name is Jason, over in the evening to go hot tubbing. It’s nearly midnight and I need to go to bed.

I wrote Charles Frost- “I know you are anxious to get home tomorrow.” Soon it will seem like California was a dream. The weather is cool and hazy typical Utah fall. Leaves are dropping.

Yesterday I brought Zach Seach who's going to rent from me into the city from Stansbury because he still lives at home. He had a date with some cute kid here and watched movies and used the hot tub so seemed like I had kids at home LOL.

I went to lunch with Jim Dabakis today at Lambs to catch up. I told him that I am grateful that you and I have become friends out of all this.

I brought your hubby his baked beans and polish sausage about 8:00 last week. I didn't stay long just about 10 minutes. I didn't want to keep Doug up since he's a hardworking man.

Tomorrow Chuck and I are going to First Baptist and then up to U see a play called  “Stonewall’.  

I think you have a good plan with Kyle but I doubt whether he's going to be as active in the community as he was when he was with me... I had a thought coming home from lunch with Jim, that I am starting to feel that Kyle wanted my money more than my love and affection. He chose unwisely.”

 

23 October 2011 Sunday

Funny it seems that the hot tub got used more by Zach Seach and his friend,  and by Chuck Whyte and his friend more than it has since being put in. I always thought it would be Kyle and his friends using it the most...

I went to First Baptist with Chuck Whyte this morning and then to lunch at Wingers. We tried to go see the play “Stonewall” at 2 this afternoon but couldn’t find where it was located.  I guess we will go again at 7:30 compliments of Bill Poore, its director who messaged me on Face Book saying he was sorry we couldn’t find it and gave us free tickets.

The rest of the day I did laundry and put things back into the shed in case it rains on Tuesday.

Well it was worth a 2nd attempt to go see Doric Wilson's Stonewall directed by Bill Poore up at the U. It was fabulous. Chuck Whyte and I went and barely found the theater in time. All really fine performances but I was taken with Mark Macey's performance as Sidney. It appears that most of the actors are sophomores so should see lots of good things from them eventually.

Just got to thinking that the worse thing Kyle Foote did last summer was not stealing the money but destroying our relationship.

Greg Hardin wrote me saying, “I'm glad you are doing better, this Zach guy seems like he will be good company. BTW, whatever happened to Kyle, did he drop off the face of the earth, I don't see any posts on his FB???”

I answered, “He's blocked me so I don't know what is on his FB anymore. I believe he's staying mostly with Amy Barry in Sugarhouse. His birthday was the 17th of Oct and I took him to dinner.

He took me to the hospital on Wednesday for an endoscopy and drove me home. He said that his Parole Officer said that if he paid $620 for some fees and restitution he would recommend Kyle just being under Court Supervision instead of a monthly check in. I of course paid for it.

He said he's been applying for part time jobs now that Farmers Market is over. Sometimes I get the feeling that Kyle just sees me out of obligation and not out of love and affection...he never calls to see how I am doing or just drops by to visit. He's made it pretty clear he's never coming back again.

Chuck Whyte is in Kyle’s old room until he can move into his condo on Nov 15^th.”

Greg Harden responded, “Wow, I hope the Court Supervision works out for him, I seriously don't see his Judge agreeing to that with all the restitution he has to pay. Maybe Kyle can "charm" the Judge. That was very generous of you to help Kyle with his payments. It's very kind of you for letting Chuck stay with you, he is a very sweet person, I hope he will be very happy in his new condo. Maybe you can plan a little Thanksgiving dinner/home warming party for Chuck and invite some of his friends.

Did I say Thanksgiving, Wow what happened to Autumn??? I can't wait for the j Edgar Hoover movie to come out in November...I wonder how much they are going to portray his homosexuality? Maybe we can see it together. HUGS!!!”

I wrote back, “All I know is what Kyle told me. I was there when he paid the money at Fremont Street but who knows? He may have been scamming me again and just catching up with restitution. I don't think outside of his parents any one has loved Kyle more than me but after buying him an i-phone, he doesn't even call me to visit, after letting him use the truck, he doesn't drop by to tell me how he's doing.

What Kyle doesn't understand is the more he stays away from me the more he chips away at the love I have for him. I think what I hate the most is not Kyle taking that money from my credit but that he killed the sweet relationship we had...

Seeing him smile… those things are gone now. I feel that he feels obligated to me now and not the love and affection I thought he once had for me.

You know Kyle has never, never said he was sorry for what he did to me. I feel he wants to move on and away...

Tuesday I am finally seeing a therapist.

A young kid named Zach is moving in this November... so things are slowly changing...but it's not an hour that goes by that I don't think of Kyle and wonder how he is.

How hard is it to pick up a phone and call people you care about? That tells me a lot.”

Greg Hardin wrote Kyle –“Dude, I have sent you like four messages and you have not replied! How are you friend? Did you have a Big Birthday Party? BTW, things worked out with my DUI, the charges were dismissed...long story, but as far as the DMV is concerned, my driving privilege is suspended for a year...I need to renew my registration...will you be willing to help me out with that??? Please at least reply to this message. I haven't heard from you in a long time. HUGS!!! Gregers”

Kyle replied to Greg, “Good to hear from you Greg, sorry for not being very responsive lately. I've hardly been on face book these past few weeks. I didn't have a big birthday party this year, I just wasn't feeling up to it. Although I was informed on my birthday that I'll be off of probation next month, which is great news!

I'm glad that your DUI charges were dismissed and that was worked out. As for the registration none of the Corvair stuff is in my name anymore so you won't need my help to register the car. A valid driver’s license isn't required for you to register it yourself so you won't have any trouble.

My Monday NAMI group is going well and I have a new co-facilitator that is working out great. Always good to hear from you and I hope the Sam and Sally are good as well. Your friend,”

 

24 October 2011 Monday

“Here you come again  Just when I've begun to get myself together  You waltz right in the door  Just like you've done before  And wrap my heart 'round your little finger Here you come again  Just when I'm about to make it work without you .. You look into my eyes  And lie those pretty lies  And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you All you have to do is smile that smile  And there go all my defenses  Just leave it up to you and in a little while  You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses Here you come again  Lookin' better than a body has a right to  And shakin' me up so that all I really know  Is here you come again ...”

I don’t know any other song but this one to explain how I feel about Kyle Foote. How do I ever stop loving that man? Will I ever? I Came home from work wondering whether or not he would be here because I was so missing him this weekend.

When I saw the truck in the garage my heart actually leapt for joy but then I had to face reality that Kyle can never give me what my weary soul wants, his love and affection. But seeing him gladdens this old heart like nothing does. Him sitting in his chair where he belongs but I know it’s just temporary…everything is so damn temporary.

I asked him how his weekend went and of course he only shares only so much. He ate up the last of the roast.  At least I can feed his body… He just watched some TV and I just watched him as much as I dared. He does what Billy Bikowski and John Cunningham used to do…light up the recesses of my heart.

Like with John Cunningham, Kyle and I will never be physically intimate as Billy and I were for so few times.  He opened up a little and told me of his dream of going into International Studies and going with Marty Alder to study in China… well everyone needs to dream…

My dream of Kyle ever coming home is about ending. How much can one keep hope alive?

Funny thing though all the time Kyle was here this cute boy I met on Adam 4 Adam named Linton Dean who is 29 years old , 6' 6" tall, 220lb, Blond Hair, and a school teacher at Copper Hills High School, was texting me constantly.

 I was so flattered and even better, I let Kyle know someone thinks I’m hot even if he does not. Linton’s so cute and he wants to be a boy toy to a daddy bear.  I could tell he was really into role playing and I don’t know how I feel about that but it was thrilling having this young man desire me. 

Kyle left for his NAMI support group about 6 this evening and while sad to see him leave I was not heartbroken because of Linton’s constant attention. I bet we ran up our text messaging quota for sure. Another funny thing is that he teaches Chinese.  He’s not a dog person which is a drawback for sure but still.

This morning I saw that Linton had messaged me on Adam 4 Adam. He wrote   could meet in your hot tub too...hehehe.  So you pretty hairy sir?” I responded, “Chest, belly and beard yes....and anytime you want to come over to use the hot tub you are welcome but you will have to be au natural. Could give you a nice massage too...” 

He wrote back  later, “any other pics of you sir?” and I responded, “ You were up late young man! LOL I went to see a play on the U of U campus Stonewall and then was in bed early for work. I teach school so need to be on my toes... yes I have a few pics... email me and I can send you come but better yet let me take you to dinner this week and meet. The worst thing that can happen if you get to eat...LOL  You seem like a cool guy and I would like for us to become friends.”

Linton asked, “what do you teach?” and for about five hours Linton kept texting me and finally after 11 at night I said he could come over. He was so horny.

He got here about 11:30 and stayed until 12:30 and while he was nice I could tell after a bit he only wanted sex and not affection. He, like many ex LDS Gays,  compartmentalized his sexuality like it’s not a part of him…like he has to be a naughty boy. 

After he was done having sex with me he withdrew so I knew that he wasn’t interested in a relationship but in just sex.  He wanted someone to be a slut with and I want someone to be a lover with.

O so many frogs to kiss.  When will I find love? IS it too late? Has that train already left the station?

Kyle Foote wrote Seth Bracken about his “Mind Gaymes Articles” He said, “ Hey Seth, I've lost track of where we are with my mental health articles. How many more do you have from me? Hopefully you haven't run out yet and I have time to write another handful for you. Thanks! ~Kyle.”

 

25 October 2011 Tuesday

I was so tired from last night’s escapade. Linton has not texted or emailed me all day. That is over and it’s okay. 

I went to my writing class up at the district at 12:30 and got the hell out of there as fast as I could at 3:30.  I was hoping but not expecting to see Kyle but not a word from him either today.

Chuck Whyte’s been over helping Brook Heartsong pack and move to Oregon.  So I didn’t see him until I came home from therapy.

I met with Machiel Klerk at 6 pm at his office over on 6th East. I filled out my paper work and then we began our session. I cried and wept uncontrollably almost throughout the entire session. He said that from the moment he met me and I began to talk with me he could tell that I was suffering from a broken heart and that I was under some “tormented enchantment” as he put it.

I told him about all the loss and betrayal I feel from the loss of Smokey and Priscilla, Mom, and Kyle.  He said that my feelings for Kyle was as for a lover. 

I felt weary after talking and crying but better I guess. I made an appointment for the 2nd of November a Wednesday at 7:15 for another session. I told him that I had never been in therapy before. He said he could sense how much pain I am in.

 

26 October 2011 Wednesday

I am heart weary again. I need to ask Kyle if he loves Marty Alder and if he has told him so. I hope he does and has. It will make releasing him easier. 

I need to let Kyle know that he does not give me the love and affection I need to keep a relationship healthy.  I need to take back the truck and release him from any sense of obligation to me personally only financially.

 I have been heartbroken since July and I can't move if he can't move. I don’t know how much more I can take or if I want to anymore. If he can't move closer to me then I need to move farther from him.  I can't stay where I am in tormented enchantment.

Kyle finally returned an email I had sent him yesterday about Chuck Whyte buying him some Dr. Pepper that was in the frig. He wrote back, ““Tell Chuck thanks! I'm not sure when I'll come by to enjoy it. I'm a little tight on gas until payday on the 1st. (No, this doesn't mean I need gas)”

That stung because that meant he wasn’t planning on coming over here until next Tuesday. I bought him a phone. He doesn’t call. I let him use the truck. He doesn’t come see me except when he needs a place to watch TV and eat during the day, and a little of Saturdays. 

I realized that I really need to take the truck back if that is the only thing he cares about.  I emailed him: “I need the truck this Saturday maybe even Sunday. Bring it over Friday after school and I will drop you off where ever you need to be.”

Then about 4:30 I get a phone call from a panicky Kyle. I knew that he had read my email by then. He didn’t call me to see how I was he was calling about the truck. He said that he was getting paid Sunday to do the Happy Monkey Hummus gig at some Farmers Market and he needs the truck to hook the trailer up to and that Friday he had a job interview and asked if he could bring the truck Saturday when he came over to do the shed.

Oh NOW he is coming over this weekend when before he couldn’t make it to Tuesday!?  I told him that Brook Heartsong needed the truck to move, which she didn’t, but was a good excuse. I told him I’d get back with him about it. 

So after taking Coco home I emailed him back this; ““I talked with Brook. This is the deal. You can bring the truck over Saturday morning and when we are done here I'll take you home and go over to Brook's. On Sunday she's got people scheduled at 10 or 10:30. So I will come and pick you up and you can hook the trailer and take it where you are working. Unhook it and I will go over to Brooks and you can call me when you are done and I'll come and get you and you can drop the trailer where it needs to go and I can drop you off and I'll get back to Brooks. It’s the best I can do.”

It was a total lie but he has lied to me so many times but this way I will be with him on Sunday and NOT Marty, at least in the truck, and he also won’t have it Saturday night nor after I drop him off Sunday. 

I told Chuck Whyte I only wanted Kyle to have use of the truck so he would come see me but he never does…not really. He doesn’t come over in the evening to visit chat have fun argue or discuss. He has moved on and so must I.  I almost had a son.

This is my Dream Log for Machiel Klerk-26 Oct 2011 Lots of different strange dreams- Had three distinct dreams…the first was that I dreamed that I had a large fully furnished home and that had so many bedrooms and bathrooms that I wanted to fill it with people. I remember that I figured out that nine people could have their own room and share a bathroom or have their own. I don’t know who I was going to ask but I know they were all men…

later I fell to sleep again and I dreamed I was in a battle like world war II and while I was on ships and battle fields I was not an actually combatant but was trying to protect people or hold the dying men in my arms…

then lastly I had another dream that I was on an estate and there was a wealthy family and the woman did not want the servants that I had suggested …strange

 

27 October 2011 Thursday

Today is Chuck Whyte’s birthday. I guess we will be going to  Chili’s for his birthday. Strange that is where I took Kyle Foote 10 days ago and asked him to be my son.

 It was a very cool day in the high 40’s and it froze at night all though my geraniums seem to be okay.

When I came home from work Chuck told me of a guy he had over last night that was a nut job using up all his expensive lube for no reason all over his body. Chuck said that was 27 minutes too long.

We went to Chili’s where we met Chevy (Steve Bolinder). Tom Folk wanted to work over time so it was just the three of us.  I bought dinner for us. I just had a diet coke and a BBQ sandwich but Chevy and Chuck had main course and an appetizer so with the tip it was $80 but Chuck has been a good friend to me. 

I wish I could stop thinking of Kyle.  I know we can never get back to where we were because he feels threatened by me by what I might say or that I might expose him. But I have to remind myself that if Kyle would not have offended me first, he would never have placed me in a position that I might hurt him.  He did this to himself not me. He did an egregious assault against me not only financially but emotionally.

I sleep every night with a pair of Kyle’s worn underwear, that and $20,000 is all I have to remind me of him. He is gone emotionally from my life. His things, his mailing address, his face book, all are gone.  I know what divorce looks like and I know what death looks like and what my heart feels is both over Kyle.

I wrote in my Dream Log 27 Oct 2011 Went to bed early to catch up on my sleep…had a series of dreams but nothing that really stays with me except going home to California and getting lost because everything had changed and wishing I was back in Utah.

 

28 October 2011 Friday

It’s been a month since Kyle Foote left me. It is the last time that Kyle will have use of my truck without me in it.  I sent him an email this morning saying good luck with the job interview- His reply was just generic.

Today was the end of the 1st Term of school already and we had our Halloween party but Jeny Peterson and I didn’t get to go to ours because My principal Liz asked us to do her a favor and come to a meeting with Principals and District people up in Clearfield to talk about Data Meetings and how we use them to drive instruction. We are her favorites LOL.  We did so for the brownie points. It’s important to keep our boss happy.

Any way I was home by 2:30 because I didn’t get to eat any lunch and Chuck Whyte called and wanted me to pick him up downtown after he had said goodbye to Brooke Heartsong who is in poor health and moving to Oregon. 

This guy I met on Craig’s list was coming over at 6 for a massage and Zach Seach was texting me that he was coming over to go met Tylor Pilcher to go out to Halloween Parties at the same time Kyle was calling me.

Kyle said that I wouldn’t have to help him Sunday because he convinced the Happy Monkey people to loan him their jeep for the Farmers Market. I know that’s so Marty can be there to help him. Well he also asked to come over tomorrow at 10:30 instead of 9 and I know that’s also so he can party late.

I have an image of Kyle that no one else has. That image is shaped by the love I have for him and that I project onto him and it probably doesn’t not reflect the reality of him at all. 

Well Gary Church came over about 6:30 and we took a dip in the hot tub first and got to know each other. He was born in Anaheim and knew all my old haunts and his grandmother lived off of Trask. Small world. He’s retired from the Navy and is a ROTC teacher at West High and lives in Layton just the opposite of me who lives in SLC and works in Davis County.

Anyway after a dip in the hot tub I took him to my room and gave him a nice massage and then afterwards we played. Sailors are the best. He liked his ass played with but he was a top and his cock was just the right size for me. Not too big, not too small. We fucked for about another 20 minutes before he came and I let him out. He says he’d like to see me again. More sexual chemistry then with Linton Dean for sure.

Anyway Zach was here when we were through, in fact he knocked on the door while I was massaging Gary to use the phone LOL.  He was getting pretty looped by the time I came out to visit. He is so different than Kyle about being sexually hung up. He did tell me that no one wants to go out with Marty Alder or be seen with him because he is such a 14 year old girl. It makes me glad in a pathetic way that he has Kyle. 

Anyway Chuck was all horned up having Zach and his friends Brian and Tylor Pilcher come over.  I really like Tylor Pilcher. I think he has the most sensitive head. He was dressed as “Where’s Waldo” and his friend Brian was an Indian in a very skimpy loin cloth.  We took pictures for them so they can have memories. Ah to be young and excited about Gay Halloween Parties. They left about 11 and I went to bed about then.

 Earlier today Charles Frost called and said he was having an emergency root canal and I told him I would bring him some pea soup. Also some homeless guys came by and offered to cut my aspen tree in the front yard for $50 so I said yes and let them do it tomorrow. What a day.

I wrote in my Dream Log- 28 Oct 2011 had some very violent dreams where people were being randomly harmed by crazed people and there was nothing I could do and then switched to a dream where I was traveling and visiting my sister in a place I had never been before. I had my dogs with me but I was sad because I no longer had my own home and finally I went to a restaurant where I ended up with friends and a friend I hadn’t seen in 20 years asked me to dance to Dolly Parton’s Here You Come Again.  I wouldn’t swirl because I was in some type of bathrobe that didn’t tie and I had no clothes on under it.  I drew a picture of a cowboy boot on the dance floor and everyone remarked how talented I was.”

Rick Weber of NAMI wrote to Kyle, “Hey Kyle, I have spoken to NAMI about setting up a meeting after Nov 8th to talk about the LGBTQ group. It's such an important group, and I feel like it needs more institutional support than what it's received thus far. I want to see it do well, and I'd like to see a more diverse group and a better advertised group. I really enjoy working with you, and you do such a great job at facilitating the group; I'd like to include your voice. Would you be interested?”

 

29 October 2011 Saturday

I wrote Charles Frost this morning “I hope you got some rest. Zach Seach had his young friends come over until 11 last night before heading out in costumes to Club Sound. It was cute to see them so excited like we were 25 years ago going to our Gay Halloween parties. Some things never change.

Chuck Whyte entertained the gentlemen callers last night. At 3 am I see him in the front room still dressed waiting for another one and I said ‘Jesus Chuck… Whack off and go to bed!’ LOL

This morning Kyle Foote is supposed to be here to finish the shed but so will Zach, who he lied to so he could screw him while he was screwing Marty. That should be interesting today! Oh the Drama!

Zach said that Tylor Pilcher, the boy he's dating, knows Marty and he's going to tell Marty that Kyle was screwing Zach when he was screwing Marty and wasn't using a condom! I said please don't but hell has no fury as a faggot scorned.

Anyway the point of all this is that it will be this afternoon before I can get the pea soup over to you so I hope you are resting and eating oatmeal. Love Ben.”

It was a wild night from what I hear, but I slept through most of it. Zach got tossed out of Club Sound and had someone take him home and he gave him a blow job for his troubles. All kinds of commotions I slept through until I got up at 3:00 this morning to pee and I saw Zach passed out with the lights on so I covered him with a blanket and turned off the lights.

When I got up at 8 I made some French toast and Canadian bacon but no one else was up. About 9:30 the guy who chopped down the aspen tree rang the bell. He had already done it so I paid him $50.

I then went outside and started putting the trim back on the shed while Zach slept and Chuck was sitting with his feet in the hot tub using the jets for circulation.

Kyle said he’d be over at 10:30 but it was nearly 11:30 when he showed up. I was not in a good spot with him and he knew it and he was frustrated with me and we had a bit of an emotional moment.

He said he didn’t have to come over. He comes over because he wants to come over. He said he loves me that is why he comes over. I have to hold on to that. I really do.

We put our emotions to one side and just worked on finishing the shed which we did. It took about an hour while we visited. I guess, Marty, Crystal and he went to the Jam’s Halloween Party dressed as Bill Compton and the waitresses from True Blood. 

I could tell he was hungry so I suggested we all go get something to eat and Zach, Chuck, Kyle, and I all went to the Taco Bell on North Temple. Zach drove Chuck in the cruiser and I went with Kyle in the truck.  It was almost normal all of us eating, visiting, and being in good humor.

Kyle commenting on how he liked to fuck said he didn’t like to use lube, just spit and friction. Later I learned from Zach that Kyle was telling us some inside information that only Zach would know because that is how he liked to fuck him. 

After that we came back to the house we watched some TV and then I took Kyle over to Dave and Erin Atwater’s where he’s staying now. We sat in the cruiser for nearly an hour still talking.

I have to let him use the truck. I am powerless to say no to this boy I love.  Then I left but did not feel so anxious or melancholy.

Then I went over to Charles Frost and Doug Lott to give them the split pea soup I promised. We only visited a short while because I had Daisy and Buddy in the car.

I guess Charles didn’t have his root canal after all but will have to wait about a week. How miserable to have a tooth ache.

Back the house, I had Zach mow the lawn for the money he borrowed and he did a really good job. Chuck has come down with a cold. I told him he needed to go to bed.

I made fajitas for dinner and watched The Eagle with Zach. I know he wanted to spend some time with Tylor Pilcher today but he was busy so he’s staying home tonight.

This from my Dream Log that my therapist wants me to keep; “29 October 2011 Just two vivid dreams separated by when I first went to bed and by when I was waken at 3 and tried to go back to sleep. 

The first was that I was out in a rest home against my will and when I escaped I joined these other smaller brown more primitive people who were escaping through the jungle being pursued by a brown more larger people who was bent on either subduing them or destroying them. It was like if we could escape and reach the river we would be safe and a few of us managed to get into the river into safety.

The second dream was stranger still. I called for a meeting with a principal that I had when I first taught 22 years ago. He had his lawyer with him. I and another woman wanted to confront him and have him say he was sorry for treating us so poorly and terrorizing us- this authority figure.

I saw him plain as day same hair, glasses, sitting behind a desk while I poured out my complaints and trying to get him to explain why he was so tyrannical to us.

When my questions turned into accusations his lawyer got heated and called me an Ass Fucker which hurt but made me more defiant that I had been really wronged by someone who should have nurtured me instead of made me feel like I was worthless and scared all the time.”

 

30 October 2011 Sunday

I am finding more and more out about Kyle Foote and I wonder if I ever knew him? Zach Seach asked me if I knew about the orgy Kyle held last Spring at Motel 6? I was flabbergasted! He said Kyle rented a Motel room and asked Zach to come to an orgy that Kyle had organized. He got two other guys off Craig’s List. Zach said Kyle was upset with him because he didn’t get to fuck Zack because one of the other guys was fucking him. 

Again who is Kyle? Is he someone else to everyone he meets? I am wounded but not crushed by this revelation. I want to ask Kyle if what Zach is saying about him is true? Who do I trust?

Kyle was supposed to come over this evening to retrieve the truck but never did. He called about 8:30 this evening and said he was still out at Herriman carving pumpkins with Marty’ family and that it might be as late as 10:30 before they were done so he said he’d come over tomorrow in the afternoon.

I just don’t know how I feel about it. Kyle doesn’t want me to rehash everything with him every time I see him but it’s his way of avoiding any responsibility to me. I think I will start telling Kyle that he has to return the truck every Friday so Zach can use it on the weekend. Maybe weaning him off a little at a time. 

This morning I went into the hot tub while Zach came out to smoke. We talked about ways to put curtains around the hot tub. I had to get all my medicine from Smiths this morning and Chuck was sicker than a dog with his head cold.  I made some Chicken Soup for him.

It was a nice autumn day and we even used the fire pit for the first time. Still upset about Kyle. What do I truly know about him?

My therapist Machiel Klerk wants me to keep a Dream Log-“30 October 2011 Sunday Only thing I can remember is that I was visiting an old friend in Boston but it wasn’t the Boston I knew it was like a hovel and they were hanging people who looked like Leprechauns.”

Greg Hardin wrote me this evening saying, “ Hey Ben, Just wanted to touch base and see how things are going. Has Kyle reached out for you anymore or is he still distancing himself from you??? I hope you know that you are loved and that your true friends will always be here for you. HUGS!”

I responded, “Kyle came over Saturday to finish the shed.” Just when I think I am done with him he tells me things that he knows I want to hear...but then his old boyfriend Zach tells of the orgies that Kyle would host at Motel 6 and it’s like I don't know him at all.”

 

31 October 2011 Monday Halloween

So ends October. Kyle Foote’s been gone a month now. It was teachers prep day so no kids and I got my grades entered  and a lot done. I left at 2:00 in the afternoon and went to Horizon credit union to check on mortgage rates. They are at 5%, which was higher then what I have now!

So I came on home to find Kyle eating stew and watching television. He had to have taken the bus since I had taken the truck. We sat and visited and I just wanted to hold him but tried to be rational.

I told him that Zach Seach wanted to use the truck Saturday to go see Tylor Pilcher in South Jordan and I could tell that shook him up. He even got a little emotional. He said that he doesn’t spend much time with Marty Alder on the weekend so that kind of ties up his freedom but he said, “I know it’s your truck”.

Then he went on to say how he didn’t trust Zach to take care of it  and then also went on to say he’s worried that I can’t say no to Zach. I then said, “you are the only person I can’t say no to.” 

He admitted somewhat that he feels like he’s being replaced by Zach and I told him that no one could ever replace Kyle in my heart. Then he went on to tell me he didn’t trust Zach to do any work on the deck and he wanted to come over and do the curtain idea I came up with for the hot tub enclosure.

Maybe Kyle is realizing that if he’s not here, things are going to change. Actually to tell the truth it felt pretty good to have Kyle upset instead of me for a change.

 He also didn’t want Zach to have his old phone number. I said I would do what I could with Mike Romero about it. 

He left for a job interview about 4 in the afternoon and he hugged me goodbye and said again that he loved me. That’s all I ever wanted to hear whether it’s true or not.

I Took Chuck Whyte, who is still sick with his cold, to his credit union to sign some papers and then I dropped Coco off at Mike’s. We came inside his townhouse and Mike said he was having people over for a Halloween Party.  Good for him that he’s socializing again.

I love Michael but I am way over being in love with him. He can’t hurt me anymore that way.  Mike said it was okay for Zach to go on his plan if he comes up with two months in advance.

Chuck wanted a pizza too for Halloween so we also went to Papa Murphy’s and watched “It’s a Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” and “Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein”. 

Then I stayed up too late until 11:00 searching info on the Royal Court for this fellow from Westminster’s “Alphabet Soup Gay club”.

I wrote in my Dream Log 31 October 2011 “Series of dreams again. One was that Kyle was angry at me because I didn’t get him tickets to a community function he wanted to take Marty to and when I protested I didn’t even know there was a function he became more upset. Then when I went to a table to see if there was a ticket for me there was but nobody informed me. 

Another dream was I was trying to get my dogs home and they didn’t have leashes and we had to walk in unfamiliar neighborhoods and I was so frightened that they would run off or get hurt or we would be lost and never find a way home.”

Zach Seach wrote me, “-Did you have fun grading today?” I responded, “Uggh! No but I got a lot done. Came home about 3:00 and Kyle was here eating stew. He didn't pick the truck up last night so he had to take the bus here...poor thing. I talked to Michael and he's willing to let you go on his for two months in advance. You will have to talk with him how much that is but he also said that when you move out he would cancel the service...I paid $150 for Kyle’s phone but you can pay in two installments if you want of $75. You would have a different phone number I think its 909 6886... Any way did you have a Happy halloweenie?”

Zach said, “It was ok... Just hung at home. That sounds good to me. Maybe if and when I move out I could transfer it to my own plan or something. We'll see what happens when we get there lol.” I wrote him, “I think all Mike would have to do is unleash the number so you could be on your own plan. He wouldn't do that for Kyle so his phone was useless...if that does happen I will buy the phone back from you and you could get a newer phone under your own plan.”

Zach joked “Well I wouldn't leave on good terms anyways.” And I teased, “Not after I had molested you and stole your virginity and plied you with liquor and tobacco! :PS I told Kyle he had to drop the truck off this Saturday again. I lied and said you needed it to go see Tylor Pilcher. He was jealous.  If you want to pay Mike this month to activate the phone ...you wouldn't have to make a payment of $75 to me until December and January if that's easier for you.” Zach laughed, “Bahaha that's awesome! Lol FYI I would leave on good terms no matter what. Lol I can probably pay Michael it this week, and probably you earlier than Dec and Jan He should be jealous... Lol cause Tylor Pilcher is much better than Kyle in every way!”

 

 

NOVEMBER

 

1 November 2011 Tuesday

I Sent this message to Kyle this morning: “Hope you had a nice Halloween with Amy and that your job interview went well. The weather looks like you picked up the truck just in time since it’s supposed to be rainy or even snowy today.

I left you a message on your phone yesterday after talking to Mike. Don't worry. Zach won't have your old phone number. He will have my old one which I think was 909 6886. I almost took it back because it’s an easier number to remember then 505 3459 but then I thought I am so old fashion because nobody memorizes phone numbers any more.

Chuck wanted a pizza so we went to Papa Murphy’s and watched “It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” and “Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein”. That would have been about your speed LOL no guts gore and scary crap... well a little spooky ha!

 Stayed up way too late because some kid from Alphabet Soup at Westminster wanted to know if I had anything on The Royal Court... I sent him 34 pages before I went to bed ha! I guess they must be doing something with the Court for Trans Month (See I am not a bigot..well not much)

Charles Frost and I are going to see “Hair” at the Babcock theater on Nov 20th. Trying to get Bill Poore to come with us. He's a faculty member in the U's drama department that I met when Chuck and I went to see “Stonewall” at the U for Pride Week. So I am becoming a theater Geek! ha!

Actually I am going to Hair with the expectation of seeing naked college boys on stage but don't repeat that Ha!

Well I know you hate emailing but just wanted to say have a great day and alleviate any concerns about the phone number. When Zach moves out and if Mike is a poop again I will just buy the phone back again so Zach can get another one. I should make him give me the pretty blue cover I bought. It reminds me of us going to Verizon together. Love from a Lesser Pain in the Ass then you.

I later called Kyle when I got home after seeing that he applied for a student loan and listed me as a cosigner.

Kyle attached a copy of his false resume and to be considered for the following jobs-the Online Campaign Specialist position, Trade Show/ Open House Coordinator position. Student Assistant position and  filmed himself having sex with one of his tricks.

I wrote Zach Seach, “The wind has whipped leaves all over your pretty deck and they are too wet for me to clear off. Let me know when you want to meet up with Mike.

Zach replied, “Probably not till this weekend. Possibly thurs if I hang with Tylor Pilcher... And Tylor Pilcher is the best.”  I said, “I will have to take your word for it since fat chance I will ever get to comparison shop.” Zach laughed at that.  

 

2 November 2011 Wednesday

It is as black as sin outside...why did they change Standard Time to begin in November instead of October? Kids walking to school in the dark, makes a lot of sense doesn't it? Yesterday it rained and howled and a boat load of leaves got dumped on my pretty deck...oh well it’s the season of the Dark Moon...Happy Samhain.

            I wrote Kyle Foote, “Dear Kyle It is pitch black outside and I have a faculty meeting at 7:45 so I better start getting ready. It was a wild windy night and the leaves dropped by the ton. They are all wet however because of the rain. I took the geraniums into the house to keep them from freezing. They said last night was in the 20's.

Went to two stores to find a fly swatter! No one had one...so looked all over and found the purple one. Its hanging on the frig now!

Charles called to see if I heard anything about the Q. I said I hadn't. He said that Brad asshole De Oreo quit... (Job Opening) but wonder if it’s because there's no revenue or Michael was pushing him to bring in more...

Charles thinks the new Gay Salt Lake dot com is a rip off of the Gay Hot Spot. I don't care as long as they use Gay and not LGBT. People are sick of that I think. Or am I  just projecting.

I hope your biology test went well. I hope you are keeping warm and have a full tummy.

Zach is all a twitterpated over this Tylor Pilcher kid... it’s funny... ahh to be young and in love again L'amore, L'amore, L'amore Love from a lesser asshole Ben”

When I left school I was hoping that Kyle might be home but he wasn’t. Chuck Whyte got good news that all the paper work for his Condo came through so he can take possession of it tomorrow. I didn’t do much else before going in to see my Therapist at 7:15 this evening. It was pitch black out and cold.

I like my therapist a lot but I wonder what is the point, except to be talking about things. But I am not ready to give my sessions up yet.  I was really in a much better place than last week. I only started to cry once when I was talking about Kyle and wanting him to come home.

Klerk explained that from my dream log the theme of being lost, wanting to get home, and protecting people emerged.  I realized that’s why the months of August and September were so painful for me as I was that I was losing my home and I was losing Kyle. 

Before going to bed Jim Dabakis called me and asked if I would attend with him the “Circle the Wagons” event which is a Gay Mormon Conference sponsored by Carolyn Pearson Its this Saturday. I said I would.

I wrote Kyle another letter also: “Dear Kyle, Hope you are staying warm...Brrr... So glad we turn the clocks back this Sunday.

i guess Chuck will take possession of his condo Tomorrow so he is excited about getting work done in it. Chevy had an accident Monday in the rain when he hit some woman's van which spun out on an on ramp. It totaled his truck which of course he needs for his work so he's in hard straights.

I went to my therapist to night. I guess i will see him again next Monday also. I haven't heard any more from Zach. Not expecting to until the weekend.

Saturday, Jim Dabakis wants me to go to some Gay Mormon conference at 10:30 to talk about Utah Gay history for the past 30 years. He was asked to talk but he said he didn't know anything so he called and begged me to go with him. So I guess that's where I'll be until about noon. I guess Carolyn Pearson is one of the sponsors

Could you bring the truck over about 9:30 a.m. and then I could drop you off where you need to be as I go up to the 1st Baptists where the conference is being held. If Friday night is easier for you let me know.

. Sunday if you don't have plans for the afternoon we could look for hardware for the hot tub curtains and that way you could have the truck and not have to take the bus.

Did you see how Gov. Perry went nutso in New Hampshire last week and now old Herman ‘Godfather’ Cain is having sexual harassment suits coming out of the butt. I think it’s funny. Well I will close. Thinking of you. your friend Ben”

Kyle responded about 10:30 after I went to bed. He wrote, “Thanks for your emails today Ben! I had a Math test this morning that took a lot of my attention, but I feel like I did quite well on it. I think I got another A or at least a high B, but who knows. I still haven't gotten the results of my Biology test from Monday, but I don't hold out much hope for having done well on that test. I'm only optimistic that I will pass BIOL with a C- or D+, all I care about is credit with that class! I'll let you know about Saturday, although I'm hopeful that you won't hear from Zach so he won't need it. Either way, Saturday morning is much easier for me than Friday night and picking it back up on Sunday should work out fine.  Have a great night and we'll talk soon. ~Kyle”

Kyle Foote also wrote to Rick Weber of NAMI-“I'm quite upset at NAMI at the moment and feel that they need to make some institutional changes before I'm comfortable addressing other issues with them. I'm seriously considering resigning from NAMI and simply facilitating the group independent of them. I'm planning to contact the state office and set up a meeting between myself, Jacqueline and Wendy to address my concerns.”

 

3 November 2011 Thursday

After reading Kyle’s letter from last night I wrote back- “Dear Kyle I know you are proud about your grades in Math since you have this phobia about it. But I know you have to study. Fuck biology...you aren't interested in being premed anyway LOL Think of it as your Hebrew..

Zach messaged me that he's anxious to meet with Mike Romero to get the phone turned on but he has a court fine he has to pay this week so I just told him to work it out with Mike.

Chuck is excited to get over to his new place today. I am going to miss his OCD because he cleans up everything LOL Even washes out my coffee pot. Coco is warming up to him but still isn't too sure about him.

Therapy was interesting. I had to keep a dream log all last week to look for themes and he said that one of my ongoing themes was trying to find my way home. We talked about the fact that I associate you with home in many ways and that is an issue I have to deal with. Well who knows maybe I will be sane eventually just in time to die LOL.

Hope you have no biology today and you have a warm productive fun day...PS I know your chicken protest is coming up soon...I hope you have the success you want with it. Your friend Ben.”

I then wrote on Face Book, ““Home is where the heart is but when someone else has your heart and they move away it can make a house feel empty.”

When I came home from work I spent the evening writing my Lambda Lore column and then posted  “...it was two days late oh well... Nobody reads it any way... Besides we all know that Troy Williams is the star attraction. Whoops did I say that out loud?”

Michael Aaron wrote to me saying, “"Troy stopped writing for us when I announced we couldn't pay columnists like we'd hoped to by now. But then, he probably didn't spend the last 2 days trying to bring his account out of the red, nor had to pay money out of his pocket to buy a ream of paper and pay payroll. Oops, was that my out loud voice?"

Then I posted, “James Dabakis called me right before going to bed and invited me to attend with him this Saturday a Gay Mormon Conference called Circling the Wagons... I said I will go but I am dubious... I think the last time wagons had to circle was when under attack by Mormons and it didn't go so well for the people in the wagons. All I know is that I won't trust no white flag!”  He was asked to give his perspective of 30 years of Gay history and he said he didn’t know anything and they should have asked me.”

From: Kyle wrote to Seth Bracken, regarding his “Mind Gaymes Articles.  “Hey Guys, not sure if you saw my email from about a week ago but just following up again to find out if you've run out of articles from me and if you would like me to write more of them? Kyle Foote.”

 

4 November 2011 Friday

I think my refrigerator is going out.... that's another expense...might have to go to RC Willeys again... my milk clabbered and everything in it is not as cold as it should be.

 I sent Kyle several emails to ask how he was doing and if I could do anything for him. He never responded to any of them. 

Finally about 6 this evening I called him because Zach wanted me to ask him for a favor for his brother.  Kyle sounded like death warm over but he was over at Marty’s where Marty also caught the flu. Marty’s mother brought them Sprite and checked in on them and while I am glad Kyle is not alone, it made me realize that he doesn’t need me or want me. Not really. He didn’t come to me when he was sick. He went to Marty. That is where his heart is.  This makes me incredibly sad but not heartbroken.

If I keep telling myself that it’s time to let Kyle go maybe one time it will stick.  If I stop seeing him, if he stops coming over I think my heart might heal. 

At school Jeny Petersen had such bad news that it put my little sorrows to shame. Her son fell off a crane he was working on in California and may be paralyzed.  It puts Everything in perspective.

 Chuck Whyte was over cleaning his place much of the day with Tom Folk and when Tom brought him home we visited for a little while. I told Tom that he looked great because he had been working out for about a year and he really has some nice muscle definition. He looks better than I have ever seen him. Not so Skinny. He admitted that he is thinking about selling his house and moving into a Condo because of the yard work. He said not having his dogs anymore has really freed his time up. I am sure it has. 

During our conversation Zach Seach called and asked if I would come and get him because he was going crazy so I drove out to Stansbury Park and got him. It was really dark and I have trouble with night vision now. Anyway we were back in SLC by 8:00 and Chuck had this trick named Dan over who after a while came up and wanted to meet Zach and me. I don’t think he was all there and Zach kept referring to him as a Wookie. Personal hygiene was not his strong suit.

I wrote Kyle another email today- “Dear Kyle So sorry that you are feeling under the weather.  Hope you don't have the flu. It doesn't seem to be going around at school but colds certainly are.  Chuck caught one last week. Hope you didn't catch it from him when we ate at Taco Bell but who knows where one picks these things up. I know you won't but I wish you would come over here and snuggle up and watch TV and eat soup and drink orange juice, sprite or Dr. Pepper.  Chuck will be over at his place today checking and cleaning.  I know you probably just want to sleep.

Not sure if Zach will need the truck tomorrow but I will. I am going to have to get a new refrig and take the old one to the dump. But I can't do it until the afternoon because of this Circling the Wagons Conference. If you bring it over about 12:30 that should be good. Zach then can go see Tylor Pilcher after I am done if Tylor Pilcher doesn't come up here or even if Zach comes in this weekend.

I called during my lunch break and cancelled the Sun American Express Account Protector Fee. They were charging $.85 per $100 of the balance and with the interest and that charge anything being paid to American express was not going to paying any of it off.  I wish we would have caught it sooner because that was $170 that went to nothing. 

 I am looking into refinancing the house. I don't know any other way to get us out from under the credit cards besides bankruptcy. I am mad at you because I could really use your financial advice and help with seeking rates about things I know so little about and yet I should try to be more self-reliant.  What a muddle...  I hate dealing with financing crap...I always had Mike or my folks and you... Oh well what doesn't kill you will make you stronger so they say.  

Sometimes I think I'd be better off if it killed me except Daisy and Buddy would miss me and their treats. Its time like this I miss you the most.  I feel like I have to deal with all this crap alone and the woods are full of wolves. I hope you are resting and that the Atwaters, or Marty and Amy are taking good care of you. I went ahead and made a payment for Citibank... I love you get well. Love Ben.”

Kyle only responded to me today when I called him. I am done writing letters. He doesn’t respond, which shows he doesn’t care.

 

5 November 2011 Saturday

The old Curmudgeon from 60 Minutes Andy Rooney died today and there was Seven inches of snow on my deck this morning from the lake effect. I went out and shoveled once but there’s no point until it’s done snowing. I Had to get all the snow off of the canopy so it doesn’t collapse.

Later in the morning, I fixed Pancakes and coffee for Zach Seach, Chuck Whyte, and me before getting ready for the “Circling the Wagon” Conference at the First Baptist Church.

Jim Dabakis said for me to meet him there at 10:30 so I rushed over there but the bum didn’t show up until nearly 11 when the presentation was to begin. I love Jim but I felt like a doofus. 

I had a dream last night that I was lost and couldn’t find Jim and I was in my night shirt and I began to give my talk and underwear was falling down around my ankles. Weird. 

Almost as weird as dreaming of seeing Kyle Foote in bed covering up a hard on and then he threw back the covers and flashed me his erect penis.  It’s probably the closest I will ever come to seeing it and maybe this is a type of closure for me.

Anyway the workshop went well with about 20 people attending, I think mostly to see Jim Dabakis because no one knew who the hell I was but Jim gave me a big build up.

I left the conference as soon as my workshop was over but it made me slightly miss the hot Mormon boys.

 After coming home, I gathered up Zach and Chuck we went to La Fronteras and then went off to Sears where I found a good price on a Samsung Side By Side Refrigerator for $1000.  I was worried that my credit would be no good but Sears issued me a card with a $2000 limit. I bought one with an icemaker because Zach said he could plumb it for me. 

After that we briefly went to Lowes but only bought a cover for the BBQ because I had left my Lowes Card at home.

We were done with all our running around by 4:00 in the afternoon so I fed the dogs and took a dip in the hot tub.

I never heard from Kyle today to tell me how he’s feeling or to visit or tell me what is going on with the truck.  That tells me a lot and every day I am just closer and closer to letting him go. 

If I can get the house refinanced then I will be done with him. He’s made a new life and a new family that really doesn’t include me. 

Anyway in the evening I just watched some television until Zach met a boy on line to hook up with so he asked if he could have the PT Cruiser and I said no but I did take him over to the Millcreek area so I didn’t get home until about 10:00.

I saw that Marty Alder and Deb Rosenberg became friends on Face Book last Wednesday so Kyle must be weaseling his way into Deb’s life so she will help Marty with his career in Physical Therapy.

I wrote her this: “Hello darling...I noticed that you friended Marty Alder...I just thought I’d let you know that Kyle and Marty both blocked me on Face book and they really hurt me deeply emotionally and financially. I am going to therapy over it and just wanted you to let me know if they are invited to any of your parties to let me know so I won't attend, not that you shouldn't invite who you like I just don't need to see them so I can heal. Love you”

 

6 November 2011 Sunday Daylight Savings Time

Kyle never called or came over with the truck although I found a text message from him: “Morning Ben I was so sick yesterday I couldn’t even get out of bed and I only feel marginally better today. I’m sorry but I am in too much pain to come over.”

            That was it. No “come over and get the truck” no “I could use some help” no nothing that reached out to me at all.   I am going to not text him or call him again and see how long it is until he actually wants to interact with me. 

I went to church with Chuck Whyte this morning for All Saints Sunday and stayed and had dinner in the cultural hall. The Baptist mothers made turkey in bread dressing. It was delicious. 

After that we went up to Wal-Mart in Centerville because Chuck needed some stuff. Zach Seach swept the kitchen and moved the pantry out from the wall for the delivery of the refrigerator tomorrow.

According to Forbes Magazine 96 rich people own $1,005,000,000,000 folks. That's trillion. This is the real government of America Forbes 400 not Congress' 435 people. That is what the Occupy Wall Street movement is about NOT the redistribution of wealth but the redistribution of power back to the people...oh wait Wealth is Power in a Plutocracy.

Kyle finally called me in the evening about 6 and said he was so sick yesterday and that he stayed in bed all day and today he ached so much. His calling me means so much. Why I am not sure but it does. 

Zach Seach has been using the house as a whore house this whole weekend. He’s been trying to hook up as much as he can and he finally got some guy to come up from American Fork to spend the night.

Kyle Foote wrote on his Face book,   “Sharing the flu with Martin Alder was one of the best things I've ever done.”

 

7 November 2011 Monday

I took Chuck Whyte into SLC this morning so he could let his workers in his condo and we left Zach Seach at the house to be there for the delivery of the Refrigerator.

Well I got my refrig but the breakfast bar blocks it by about an half an inch so will have to cut down the counter top. Its black and humongous! I didn't know it was so massive!

My house is turning into a whorehouse and if it keeps up I am going to charge and take a cut of the profit like any good Madam...geez slow down boys. I get up in the morning and people are coming and going. Dogs are barking.

I Heard really awful news at work. Kasi our secretary is in the emergency room from an aneurism. Wow. Life is so fragile.

When I got home from work both Kyle Foote  and Zach were there and I told them what they had to do to stay here.

These are my House Rules for Zach Conditions- “$300 rent is due on the 1st no later than the 5th.  Two months in advance for phone service for Michael’s phone. Payment must be prompt. The I-phone needs to be paid for by December 1st $150 or returned. He Must be working or in school by spring.  Nobody comes over Sunday night to Thursday night to spend the night and not after 10. He must Come through the front door and then down stairs to his room. No tricks upstairs. People he is dating can come upstairs but not tricks. No using the hot tub week days after 10. No partying (excessive alcohol) except Friday and Saturday nights. Conditions for the use of the truck by Zach- The truck may not be used if drinking at all (zero tolerance) or using any other type of impairment- Not one beer. Gas must be filled to what was used. Must do 2 hours of work Saturday for use of the truck.” I don’t think any of this is unreasonable.

I told Kyle for the use of the truck, he had to unblock me on Face book. Call me at least twice a week. The Truck must be dropped off Friday by 5:00 in the afternoon and he can be picked up again at 5:00 in the afternoon on Sunday. If he is later than that, he must wait until Monday when I get home. He must Spend 5 hours at the house while I am home for use of the truck. Minimum 3 hours on Saturday other 2 hours any time.

Kyle protested and said that he doesn’t stay here but I said you use the truck.

On the top of the list I told Kyle that he had to unblock me on Face book. He said no to that and I said that it’s non-negotiable and then there’s no more use in talking. It was the principle of the matter. How could he pretend we were friends when he blocked me? Not just un-friended me but blocked me.

Zach left the room when Kyle and I had our heated discussion. When Kyle knew I was not going to back down on this one and that he had no recourse, he gave in. I also said I wanted him to come over for at least 3 hours on Saturdays and 2 during the week for use of the truck. What kind of friendship do we have that I have to coerce him to be a better friend to me? 

I told Zach that basically he couldn’t use the house as a whore house any more. I felt triumph but conflicted over Kyle’s submitting to my demands.

This is a letter I later wrote to Kyle: “Hope your NAMI group went well. Finally found out how much my copayment is to see my Therapist. $30 a visit and since this was my 3rd visit I had to pay $90. Ouch.

Zach was out to midnight with this guy he knew from San Francisco who just got back from India. Zach said that he wants to go to San Fran next weekend to be with him and be taken care of. Well I don't know how he will ever find happiness in pursuing just things and people who can give him things. Not the best way to build self-esteem I would think. Oh well. Not my problem.

Thanks for taking the chairs to Chuck I know he appreciated it after having to stand all day on his bad feet. I am leaving early to take him into the city before heading north.

 It’s a mess at school. Our new secretary developed an aneurism in her brain last Saturday and is having surgeries this week...the other 5th grade teacher's son, whose only 24 became paralyzed and fell from a crane he was working in SF so she flown there to be with him and I am scrambling to help with the sub...that is why it was so hectic yesterday.

I appreciate you being willing to come fix the counter. I know then it will be done right.

 I appreciate more than you will ever know you unblocking me for whatever reason. Now it doesn't matter whether I ever look at it. It was just painful to be blocked from your life but as we discussed, we all had reasons for what we did whether they were helpful or hurtful we had reasons.

Please take care of your health. Ben

PS you don't have to respond. This is just my way of staying connected with you. Hope to see you tonight if you can.

 

8 November 2011 Tuesday

I left for school early today again to take Chuck Whyte into town so he could be at his Condo for his work crew. Zach Seach left for home in Stansbury after going to his doctor’s appointment in Bountiful. If Truth be known I am glad he went home for a while.

 I fear that Zach is going to be a lot of work but I wonder how long he will really be here. He’s so into material things and is so young and has a really addicted personality. Plus he told me last week when I went to pick him up that he still has another court date for retail theft when he was on drugs. 

School was okay, just a little tired and I called in for a sub for the 21st and 22nd of November for Thanksgiving Break.

Kyle Foote texted me this morning saying that he would be over after 4 to do the kitchen counter. Nobody was at the house when I got home and it actually it felt kind of good. Zach was gone and Chuck was out with Chevy Bolinder helping him get a truck to replace the one that got wrecked.

When Kyle came about 4:30 I said I needed to go vote. He had already voted over in Sugarhouse which made me slightly sad that he is using Amy Barry’s address for his residency even though he said yesterday that Fernleaf was his main address.

There was only one person to vote for in the off election and that was Ralph Becker for Mayor of SLC.

I signed up for district health Insurance for next year and I dropped Michael Romero after all these years from being a beneficiary and add Kyle. Michael doesn’t look out for me any more anyway.

Well Kyle and I  worked for a couple of hours on cutting down the breakfast bar so the new refrigerator can swing all the way open. Sawdust is everywhere. But it had to be done and Zach took off so if I had waited for him to do it, it  would be this weekend before it got done and that is only maybe, since he found a sugar daddy to take him to San Francisco this weekend. 

I Bought Kyle some dinner at the Chinese place and when Chuck came home I shared my Chow Mein with him.  We were done about 7:30 and then I had Kyle look at my refinance application to see if he thought it was a good rate. He said I needed to see a Good faith offer first to see what kind of fees would be charged.

After he left to go back to Amy’s I cleaned the kitchen and put all the tools back outside in the shed.  Chuck loaned Chevy $2000 for him to buy another truck so Chev could stay in business.

Kyle  created an email account for his alter ego,  Ryan Jacob.

Kyle Foote sent out a message to those participants in the Chick-fil-a protest he organized. “Hello fellow Chick-fil-a protestors! The final plan is to meet at 11:30am on Thursday morning directly across the street from the protest site on the northwest corner of 1200 east and 2100 south. We will be there for 2 hours during their lunch rush. Also I've sent out press releases and there's a strong possibility we will get some media coverage as well. Remember to dress warm and bring a sign that represents your view on the bigoted practices of Chick-fil-a. If you have any questions feel free to inbox me directly. See you all there! ~Kyle.”

 

9 November 2011 Wednesday

I was really tired for much of the day. I think this past weekend and the emotional rollercoaster with Kyle Foote on Monday and Tuesday has taken its toll on me.  I was kind of cranky all day.

I had to leave early every morning this week also, to get Chuck Whyte down town and then me up to school. 

When I came home thought about the I-phone and the hundred dollars Zach Seach left here for  Michael to turn his phone on. I thought why is he having the phone turned on when he hasn’t even paid me one dime towards it?” I didn’t give it to him but he’s been using it for 2 weeks. 

So I talked to Chuck and Mike Romero and I decided I wasn’t going to have Mike put Zach on his plan. That I would use the $100 for a down payment on the phone I gave him. 

Back at the house I called Kyle to see what he thought and he of course could not be objective about Zach but he said that phone was too expensive to let Zach have it just for $100.  So I finally messengered Zach when he asked about whether I contacted Mike: I wrote, “I did. It didn't go well. He doesn't want to put you on a plan because he really doesn't know you and simply said he just doesn't want to be bothered with dealing with billing. So here are two options maybe three. You can bring the I-phone back and I'll just give you back the $100 and you can go to cricket or something and get a cheaper plan so you can at least have a phone. Or you can use the money as part of the $150 for the I-phone and go to Verizon and get your own data plan or you could use the $100 for a prepaid phone. Bummer let me know what you want to do.” 

Chuck is all worried about Zach and I told him that to let Zach make his mistakes. He’s not interested in anything we have to say. 

I watched Glee tonight which was an episode from last week and I was so taken with the voice of Damian McGinty a new character on the show.  His voice is so great and I loved the song he sang “Take Care of Yourself”. It made me weep again thinking of Kyle.

Kyle Foote posted on Face Book regarding the Sugar House Chick-fil-a protest, “We are having a blast making a handful of posters and getting ready for tomorrow. Don't forget we will be meeting directly across the street from the Chick-fil-a on the corner of 1200 East and 2100 South at 11:30am and we will stay until 1:30pm. We will have a few extra signs for those who can't make their own. It's gonna be a lot of fun spreading our message and welcoming Chick-fil-a to the neighborhood. Can't wait to see you all there!

Greg Hardin wrote to Kyle, “Kyle, are you still facilitating the CONNECTIONS group on Monday Nights??? NAMI keeps asking me if I would be interested in doing that group??? Let me know so that we don't duplicate services. Thanks!”

 

10 November 2011 Thursday

Chuck Whyte bought me some scented candle wax for an air freshener. I guess in thanks for hauling his ass down town all this week. Kyle Foote was nervous about his Chick fil a protest today. So I texted him saying “I hope the troops are rallying for you. This is your day. Give a great rabble rousing speech. I know you have leadership skills. Love Ben.”  He said back he hoped people show up. 

Kyle wrote to reporter Rosemary about Chick-fil-A being protested for being anti-Gay.  “Hello Rosemary, I have attached a brief press release about today's protest of the opening of a new Chick-fil-A in Sugar House. Chick-fil-A has long supported anti-Gay and anti-marriage equality causes to the tune of over $3 million since 2003 alone. Today a group of us will be gathering during the lunch rush and protesting Chick-fil-A in order to better educate the public about their anti-Gay stance. It is my hope that if this isn't something you can cover, that you can perhaps forward it to the right people? Thanks a ton! Kyle Foote. Note He also sent the same email to foxnews13, KUER, and KRCL signed as Kyle Foote Protest Leader.”

Rosemary Winters responded, “Hi Kyle, I just wanted to let you know that after we spoke I was alerted by another reporter about your past criminal record. Because you are someone who the Salt Lake Tribune has written multiple stories about in the past, my editor said the story needed to include a reference. Rosemary.” Kyle replied to Rosemary Winters Thanks for the heads up Rosemary, I definitely think it’s appropriate in context. Hopefully my criminal history doesn't interfere too much with the message. regards,  Kyle.”

Kyle Foote posted on Face Book, “Channel 2 Will be filming today at noon! If you can only get away from work for 20 minutes to support the protest then be sure to do it right at noon so you can help us pack in the protestors for the TV Cameras. I'm excited to see everyone today! Channel 2 Will be filming today at noon! If you can only get away from work for 20 minutes to support the protest then be sure to do it right at noon so you can help us pack in the protestors for the TV Cameras. I'm excited to see everyone today!”

He began contacting community Gay activists to attend the protest. He wrote to Fernando Noriega-“don't care if you go in and get a chicken sandwich after, but I'd love to see you at the protest today.” If only to help make sure there's lots of bodies for Channel 2 (Brian) when they come to film at noon. Fernando responded, “he just called lol are u buying lol hahaha Just Kidding ... ill swing by and see if i can rally a couple peeps. Kyle replied “Thanks!!! I'd consider buying you Chipotle, (even if it is inferior to Baracoa) but definitely not Chick-fil-A! lol.” Fernando “YAY! Mmmmm see u there.”

Kyle Foote wrote Daniel Ogden –“Hope to see you and as many people as you can drag to the protest today! Channel 2 will be there at noon and I want to have as many people there at noon as possible so it looks good on the news.”

Kyle Foote wrote to Brian Keith- “Hey Brian! Hope to see you at the protest today, feel free to drag as many of your friends as you can along. Channel 2 will be there at noon to film so it would be great if we had everyone there for at least 20 minutes around noon. Thanks!”

Kyle wrote to Eric Ethington-“I know you're a busy guy, but I'd love it if you could take a few minutes and swing by the protest today or perhaps help spread the word. Channel 2 is coming to film at noon and the only way they'll actually put us on TV is if there's a good number of protestors. Thanks Eric!”

Eric wrote back, “Protest today?” and Kyle responded, “Yes, I put together a protest of the Chick-fil-A that's opening in Sugar House. Would love it if you stopped by! Protest the Opening of Chick-fil-A in Sugar House.” Eric said, “ Very cool! I don't know if I can get out of work, but I'll try Good luck!” Kyle replied, “Thanks Eric, perhaps you can help spread the message if you can't make it.”

Then while I was looking at the Tribune I saw the article on the protest and texted Kyle about it. He wrote. “Is it up already?”

I also wrote to Charles Frost saying, “Kyle’s Chick fil A Protest was today and the SL Tribune had an article on it that mentioned Kyle’s criminal past.” Charles Frost asked, ““What section of the Tribune? Are Kyle and Chick Fil A the same article? Help me plz.” 

Then he responded, “ I found it. Kyle sounded so intelligent until the facts came out in the last paragraph. He will never live this down and needs to find a life that does not include the spotlight. He craves power, influence, and attention. His past will not allow these desires. Lucky Rosemary Winters doesn’t know about Orgy.com!!! My God, that would’ve discredited him, the protest, and all he said to the reporter. Plus it would’ve driven business to Chick Fil A! Kyle cannot be a spokesman for this community.”

Rosemary Winter’s article: Sugar House protesters say Chick-fil-A is anti-Gay A national controversy over whether Chick-fil-A is anti-Gay has come to Salt Lake City. On Thursday, a small group of Gay-rights advocates picketed the opening of a new store in Sugar House at 1206 E. 2100 South. The protest was planned for the lunch rush, and about eight people gathered at 12:30 p.m., holding signs with slogans such as “Chick-fil-A is anti-Gay.”

The fast-food chain was the subject of boycotts earlier this year after a restaurant operator in Pennsylvania provided free food at events held by the Pennsylvania Family Institute, a political advocacy group that opposes Gay marriage. More than 10,000 people have signed a student-led petition at Indiana University South Bend, demanding that Chick-fil-A be removed from campus. But the company, which is owned by a Baptist family that takes pride in guiding the business with religious principles, has refuted claims that it is anti-Gay.

Following the Pennsylvania incident, Dan Cathy, president and chief operating officer, said publicly that while he and his family believe in the “biblical definition of marriage,” they love and respect those who disagree and did not consider the free meals to be an endorsement of the Pennsylvania Family Institute or its mission.

But Kyle Foote, organizer of the Salt Lake City protest, said such statements are hurtful toward members of the lesbian, Gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. “I can’t, in my mind, understand how someone can say, ‘I love and respect you, but I spend millions of dollars fighting your equality, Said Foote , a Gay Salt Lake City resident.

Q Salt Lake magazine recently reported that Winshape, Chick-fil-A's nonprofit foundation has donated $3 million since 2003 to anti-Gay groups, such as the Eagle Forum, Focus on Family and the Marriage & Family Legacy Fund.

In an interview with The Salt Lake Tribune in July, Cathy said his company has wrestled with how to address the backlash from the LGBT community, saying the company wants to “give positive encouragement and support” to everyone. “We’re very pro the traditional family of a husband and a wife in marriage, parenting children,” Cathy said. “We are not politicians and we don’t want to get into having a political voice here, but we support, financially and otherwise, organizations that are going to be strengthening society and raising young men and women that are of the character that we would want in our restaurants.”

Foote, 32, said he hopes the protest helps consumers make educated decisions about whether to buy food at Chick-fil-A. “It’s the first time they’ve opened up a location in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City is a very inclusive community,” he said. “They’re coming in and essentially being our neighbor. I wanted to send a message to them and to the community about what we expect of our neighbors and about their history.”

Foote became the subject of news stories in 2008 after he pledged $3.4 million to Westminster College in exchange for naming rights to the school’s entrepreneur center and was unable to pay. He made the commitment at a time when he was deeply in debt to investors and later used publicity about the pledge to groom targets in an unrelated securities scam for which he was convicted on charges of felony fraud, according to court records.”

In the comment section there were many negative comments regarding Kyle.

“So you wouldn't have a problem with a convicted felon telling you how you are "supposed" to live your life? I'm all for Gay rights, an adamant supporter of equal rights for all... My only contention was that a convicted felon is telling others how they should live their lives... that's just ironic... my issue is not with the purpose of the protest, just the messenger.’

“Restaurants have to screen every group or gathering they provide food for to make sure they are politically correct???  GIVE ME A BREAK!   This is grandstanding by a gentleman who might want to worry more about his own issues and less about interfering with a "food" establishment's right to prepare and serve food!   Ridiculous!”

“By the way, what a really good spokesman the Gays have in this Foote guy.  Way to go!  Maybe instead of worrying about Chick-fil-A you should be worrying about not scamming other people out of their money.  Just another quality guy on the Left. Cow say.."eat more chickin"......MR.  Foote say "I speak with forked tongue as I was convicted of fraud, etc." Now the guy feels CF is bad for giving out free food to some group?   TYPICAL!!!!”

“Here is one article relating to Mr. Foote's integrity. “You don't understand. Obviously he was born that way and some unidentified genetic disorder causes his actions. He had no choice in his actions to defraud all those people.  If you were not so narrow minded you would understand all this and give him a free pass on responsibility! LOL.”

“Defrauding your neighbors isn't right; especially all the while proclaiming your Christianity. Foote is dishonest and corrupt.”

“A shame the Gay community has to be so pushy and vocal. Foote's attitude makes them less tolerable to me.  Good to learn of organizations the foster mentally healthy relationships though. Organizations I can support financially.”

“Foote is a scumbag of the highest order, and he is the organizer of the protest. Just sayin’' as I fully support the LGBT community in their struggle for equality.”

"I wanted to send a message to them and to the community about what we expect of our neighbors and about their history." Interesting choice of words from a convicted fraudster.”

“Did you read the article? Foote is Gay and was the organizer of this protest -  and despite being a convicted felon he has the gall to decry Chik-Fil-A as being bad for the SLC community because of their history. As such his comment is completely hypocritical, with a touch of irony.”

“The gall for him to pay for his crime according to the justice system and try and rebuild a life where he advocates for equal rights.  Shame, shame, shame.”

“He is criticizing Chik-fil-A for not meeting his self-professed standards for the community and neighbors that he himself does not live up to. He is claiming Chik-fil-A are bad neighbors and bad for the community because of their history - when he himself makes a bad neighbor and is bad for the community due to his history as convicted felon for fraud. That's about as clear-cut "pot calling the kettle black" form of hypocrisy as there is.”

I responded and wrote, “So many of the comments on this board remind me of all the ugly diatribes heard when African Americans dared to have sit-ins at White Only Restaurants 50 years ago. People claimed that it hurt people's businesses, people have the right to eat where they want, it’s hurting the Negro cause, the Bible supports the separation of the races, it's Un-American to protest...yadda yadda yadda ... it's in living memory the best chicken place in the Valley was the "Coon's" Chicken Cafe.   Gay equality is the new civil rights issue and people better get out of the way because the Freedom Train not Traxx will mow you down.  Progress cannot be stopped and time will erase all the bigots of today as it has from the past.  And while Mr. Foote may have seriously damaged himself and others with poor youthful decisions...I for one believe in repentance especially by one who now seeks to redeem former mistakes by addressing the wrongs done to a minority.  It’s not the mistakes that people make that defines a person but how they rectify those mistakes and learn from them.”

“Foote, 32, said he hopes the protest helps consumers make educated decisions about whether to buy food at Chick-fil-A.  It sure Has !  I'm eating there from now on ! Foote is a sick criminal.”

“Kyle Foote is representing the Gay activist ... I think Gay and lesbian community probably should do their investigation of Kyle Foote.  He has been prosecuted for securities fraud and has ripped off many investors.  He's also the same guy who told Westminster that he would donate 3m for a new building which he knew he didn’t have the funds to make such a donation.  What a joke, you idiots only helped Chick fil a get free publicity.  If Chick Fil owners want to donate to a religious group, what’s the big deal.  We all don’t have to agree to same ideals and beliefs, but we do have to respect each other’s opinions and beliefs.”

“Watch out Trib!  You're going to be nailed for being anti-Gay because you've blown the whistle on Kyle Foote.”

I responded again “They hardly blew the whistle on anyone. Mr. Foote's past is open records.  Foote did not benefit in any way for organizing a protest against a corporate entity that has been hurtful to a minority.  In fact it was courageous knowing that he could be the object of attention rather than the message of the protest.  It is easy to focus on an individual rather than the message. That is why Ezra Benson and J Edgar Hoover tried to smear Martin Luther King as a Communist and a womanizer rather than deal with racial inequality in this nation.    If I was Mr. Foote I would focus more on organizing and let others be in the spotlight but so few are willing due to abuse heaped upon them.  Marriage inequality is the Main Topic of the protest so I suggest we return to it.”

“It could easily be argued Mr. Foote actually hurt himself personally, further, by orchestrating this protest.”

“Kyle Foote just got out of prison and still owes a LOT of people a LOT of money.  ... Hey Kyle, how 'bout less time protesting and more time WORKING, mmkay?”

I responded – “Mr. Foote has never been to prison and the courts have decided on the amount of restitution which he is paying so please get your facts straight. A personal attack on Mr. Foote does not negate the fact that Chick-fil-A  is a corporation that does not believe in Equality.  They have a right to free speech to say what they will but when they contribute money to groups that are actively anti-Gay then they should take heat for that.

“Oh, I'm SOO sorry.  It was JAIL.  HUGE difference... Speaking of facts:  He still owes over $300,000 in restitution to his victims. If the LGBT community had any sense, they would distance themselves from him immediately.”

“Kyle Foote, the protest organizer, is a convicted felon for fraud. This was just a few years ago where he served a short jail sentence.   He is also the founder and owner of WKF Productions, under which he founded and runs a porn website called orgy.com.  The website encourages orgy's and sex parties for people who are into group sex or are curious.   So from this I don't believe he believes in or supports monogamous marriage between two people, which is what the LGBT community says they want. Kyle Foote is quoted on qsaltlake.com as saying "I think it's important for us, as Salt Lake City residents, to be very careful about who we invite to be our neighbors.  Does Chick-fil-A really espouse the values we want to have in our community?" Well, if your values are to lie and deceive people and to run porn websites encouraging behavior such as group sex and orgy's, then I DO NOT want HIM as MY neighbor!!  Is this who the LGBT community wants to represent them??  Does the LGBT community believe in that  kind of behavior as good and moral??  Do they support his behavior or website/company?? Check him out for yourself.  His full name is Warren Kyle Foote.  You can Google him for yourself. I, for one, love Chick-fil-A!  Chick-fil-A is an honest company who has the best food and the best customer service.  And they will serve ALL people, regardless of who they are or what they believe in, with the same great and friendly service.  That is something that I support!  They can give their money to whoever they want, it's their right.   Just because they support marriage as being a religious ceremony between a man and woman, doesn't make them "anti"  anything.  There is a difference between supporting what you believe in and being "anti-Gay".  Now, if Chick-fil-A were to speak out against Gay people or deny them service in their restaurants, then I could understand why they would be considered anti-Gay.  But they don't!!  For those who support Gay rights, does that make YOU a bigot or anti-hetero??  No, the two sides just have a different belief.  Doesn't mean either side is "anti" anything!!  Why can't there be a understanding that you can agree to disagree? Do your research on other companies and see what they give their money to.  Chick-fil-A is not the only company who gives money to charities.  Most here in UT give a lot of money to charities ran by the LDS church.  And you all know about Prop 8 that they just supported recently.  So why aren't you protesting those companies too?? Because if you were to protest all the companies that have given to charities that you don't like,  you wouldn't have very many options as to where to go out to eat or shop, etc, etc. So what if you don't want to eat there?  That is your right and it's your loss, if you like the garbage and low quality and horrible customer service that other places give you. That just leaves more delicious chicken for the rest of us!  In fact, I think Chick-fil-A sounds good for dinner!”

Brek Joos who worked on the Orgy.com as a designer wrote to Kyle “Hey, I don't think I ever got paid for that last round of work on the site.”

 

11 November 2011 Friday 11-11-11

It’s the First time I've actually cooked in about two weeks. I made Fettuccini with brown butter and Mizithra cheese with red peppers and a nice spring green salad a fresh baguette and glass of Pisano wine. It was a nice meal for Chuck Whyte and me but I guess I better get used to cooking for myself again.

Young people don't eat.. they dash and go or chomp down while text messaging.

I wrote on Face book “I am proud of everyone who is working to take America back to its roots that all men are created equal and endowed with Inalienable Rights NOT Corporations ----but MEN! Humans! Dumbasses. The Mad Hatter Tea Party is destroying this country.”

Jordan Kasteler wrote to Kyle, “you're single action as created quite a stir... great work! I'm disappointed to see the animal rights issue not even mentioned. It seems as though you called out the Animal Rights community to join forces and then didn't represent them during media coverage. If that's the case, this is highly disappointing. Sugar House protesters say Chick-fil-A is anti-Gay | The Salt Lake Tribune.”

Pagan James wrote to Kyle- “I just wanted to say: Thanks for bringing awareness to the chick-fil-a. I'm sorry I couldn't attend, but it looked awesome!  Also, did you serve in the military? If so, THANK you!”

 

12 November 2011 Saturday

Sometimes I feel like a ‘Norma Desmond’ especially on this cold windy dark morning with the leaves whipping and swirling all over the deck as I view my glory days behind me and I strive off madness by clutching at the illusion of youth...

I wrote Kyle a letter this morning: I hope you are staying warm this blustery day. I came home yesterday and blew off all the leaves from the deck and patio ahead of the storm but it looks like a leaf bomb went off in the back yard. Oh well it would have been worse if I hadn't had.

Chuck Whyte had a friend, who he is twitter patted about, over last night hot tubbing all night and then again this morning. I’m Glad someone is using it.

 Zach Seach just dropped by on his way to San Francisco paid for by his new sugar daddy Chet. He wanted to know if he could drop by and have the money he had given me for the I-phone for his trip. I said I didn't feel good about him having both the phone and the money so he gave me the I-phone back but didn't bring the charger. So I am sure it’s dead.

He bought another phone that he pays $3 a day to use. So glad he's not here this weekend. He's too much work.

Next week is parent teacher's conference so it’s late nights until Friday.

Chuck will be at his new place probably the weekend before Thanksgiving.

I am really having 2nd thoughts about Zach moving in. He has so much baggage that I don't know if I want the drama. I think I might just prefer to live alone for a while and sort things out and get ready for surgery and refinancing.

My downstairs refrigerator went out LOL who'd had thought both would die at the same time. Of course I'm not going to replace it.  I Might just build shelves in the space to store things. I don't know what because I need to throw crap out.

I would like to have all the tools and stuff more organized though. Not sure why because I think my building days are over.

I got a credit score sent to me from Trans-union. I don't know what it means but its 727. Sounds like an airplane to me. Got another refinance offer at 4.277 fixed rate. I hate being so dumb at this stuff. I don't feel like I am a stupid person but it all seems so overwhelming at times.

I am taking off the entire week of 21-25. Not going anywhere or anything. I just need a break I guess. It’s Hard to get my head wrapped around school.

The Giles asked me over for a Saturday Thanksgiving on the 26th. I guess I will do that. I will probably cook up that turkey in the freezer and make some type of casserole. Or go to Chuck A Rama that would be a really cheap dinner the day before thanksgiving but probably not. I am not one for eating alone.

I am happy you are spending Thanksgiving in St. George. I hope the weather is really good for you and Marty, to get out and explore. If you are not going down in the truck I would like for you to bring it by so I can do some yard and garage work rather than it just sitting at Amy's.

Chuck might try to get a hold of you some next week to borrow the truck to haul stuff out of storage to his place. You don't have to help him but let him use the truck. I said he can't have it Monday because of your NAMI obligations.

I plan on spending today gathering up info I need for refinancing so I can have it when I am ready since I have the house to myself today. Probably clean too.

I made stuffed green peppers this morning because Chuck brought home six of them. I don't have a clue why and he didn't either except that they were on sale. I guess I will make a meatloaf too. I'm in cooking mode I guess because of the weather.

I am sorry that a friend of yours was killed in that Halloween accident. I don't think I knew him but what a terrible waste at that age. Well AIDS carried off many from my generation so loss is something I know very well.

I guess I will keep the I-phone now and have Michael put me on his plan. Not sure why. Don't have a clue how to use it. But I guess if I can get through college I can figure it out. Take Care of Yourself Ben”

As I was writing this Kyle texted me at 10:30 “I’m gonna head to your place in a little bit and I’m planning on hanging out until I go to work at 4. Hope that’s ok.” I wrote back, ““You never have to ask whether I am here or not but I will be…just finished sitting down and writing you a letter this morning.”

I was on a cooking kick this morning and made stuffed green peppers this morning while Chuck and Jason were hot tubbing it.  When I knew Kyle was coming over I also made a crock pot of chili. I was going to make a meat loaf and thought good god get a grip.

Any way Kyle showed up about 11 after Zach had already dropped the I-phone off and he was on his way to San Francisco but the dumb shit forgot to bring out the charger. Oh well.

I was happy because Kyle was here. He checked to see if the refrigerator in the garage was just off because of the circuit break and it was! I am not sure why I had forgotten to check that.

 Anyway while visiting he said that he gave up his storage unit and has all his things over at Amy Barry’s now. He’s in her spare bedroom which he said has a very tiny shower.

He also said that he went to Taylorsville yesterday to get some golf clubs from the Mayor of Taylorsville because he knows him from going to school with his kids. I guess he needs them for Marty’s father to play golf when they go to St. George next week for Thanksgiving. 

Anyway they were having a Veterans Day parade and this guy who is creating statues to honor the vets asked Kyle if he would pose for one because he would fit the uniform they had. Kyle was very excited about that. 

I didn’t talk to him at all about the Salt Lake Tribune article. I thought let him bring it up if he wants.

Out of the blue he asked if I’d go see the movie “J. Edgar Hoover” with him because he said of all his friends I’d be the only one probably interested in seeing it. Of course I said yes so we went to the noon matinee at the Gateway. I enjoyed it but it was long without much action.

It was snowing by the time we left the theater and when Kyle had to leave for Park City to do his Happy Monkey Hummus thing I helped him put sand bags back in the truck for traction. I also gave him $15. 

 I wrote about it on Face book: “Went to see J Edgar Hoover with Kyle Foote today. We didn't know anyone else who would be nerdy enough to want to see it. I had no idea that it was going to be a love story. Lance Black is an excellent writer to have made me, who hated Hoover, cry over his death. Homosexuality is not about sex, as in the case of Hoover and Clyde Tolson, but rather it’s about who you love and cherish.”

In the news the Police evicted the “Occupy SLC” campsites in Pioneer Park.  The Occupiers vacated the park without the melee that was predicted. Out at the Murray Fashion Place Mall (in front of Crate & Barrel and H&M,  there was a SLC's “Born This Way” Flash Mob event.

Both GOP idiots Herman Cain and Rep. Michele Bachmann said in a primary debate on foreign policy that they would reinstate water boarding as an interrogation technique designed to simulate drowning. The procedure is widely considered torture.

I think we should water board Cain to see if he's telling the truth about his denial of sexual harassment charges and water board Bachmann to confess that she married a closet homosexual and why they only provided foster care for 23 teenage girls and not boys.

 

13 November 2011 Sunday

Yesterday I had the house all to myself for hours and hours, and I liked it. May be my therapist is right and I need time to be alone and in touch with who I am and not what I can do for others. Or maybe he's full of shit. 

I Read in the SL Tribune this morning that State Sen. Ben McAdams is going to run for S.L. County mayor. I taught with his mother Susan McAdams for years and years at Orchard Elementary.

I went to American First Baptist with Chuck Whyte this morning. Pastor Curtis Price’s Sermon was on making bread and since I've been cooking up a storm lately I guess it is timely.

After the service we went shopping at the Sunflower Market on 3^rd South and 7^th east. That was the first time I had ever gone there and I thought it was rather nice although Kyle Foote disdains it because they banned him for writing a bad review.

Also I went to Smiths to get dog food and over to see Chuck’s place. I was grumpy and just wanted to get home.

There at home, I made a pot roast and went hot tubbing. Actually I went in to clean out all the leaves that managed to get in under the cover and put chemicals in it.

It’s turned out to be a beautiful clear blue Autumn day after all.

I’m trying to organize my papers for refinancing. I decided to finally change my beneficiary for my Utah pension.  I took off the Utah Stonewall Center and added Kyle.

In the evening I found out that a former student of mine, Curtis Ferguson, is now the boyfriend of the current Empress of the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire! Now I know of at least five former students of mine who are Gay. They are all in their 20's. God I feel old. 

I wrote Greg Hardin-“Did you read the SL tribune article on the Chick-fil-A protest that Kyle organized last week? It, along with people’s comments, laid Kyle's past out again. Sad really. Kyle should not be a spokesperson for the community but should just organize events which he's good at; but putting himself out there just damages him and doesn't do much good for the community either...

He's going to St. George over Thanksgiving with Marty's family so evidently they are okay with Kyle's record. I tried to defend Kyle as much as I could in the comment sections of the paper.

Hope all is well. Chuck is still here but probably will be moving into his new place about the 20th of this month. Take care. “

Greg wrote back; “Yes I read it. Look at all the free advertisement Chick-Fil-A got out of it. They should give Kyle a $50.00 Gift Card. LOL On a different subject, Brian Maffly from the Tribune called me last week and asked me what Orgy.Com was and I told him that I had no idea and that I hardly know Kyle. He wanted to know how to get a hold of Kyle and I suggested he mail: orgy.com. LOL Hope you and Chuck have a Happy Thanksgiving! Hugs!”

 

14 November 2011 Monday

It was a Busy day at work because I had to prepare for SEP Conferences which I had last week. I was supposed to have 4 today after school but one rescheduled and one was a no show.  I was done by 4 so I raced home to try and get to see Kyle Foote before I have to go to my therapy appointment at 6 and Kyle leaves for NAMI.

He texted me at 4:03 saying, “The pot roast was your best yet! Can you let Mike know the dogs have been fed?” However when I got there he wasn’t there just Michael Romero and Chuck Whyte. I guess Chuck had already fed the dogs and Mike was picking up Coco.

Later Kyle dropped by again and said he had only left because he didn’t want to deal with Michael. I laughed and said me neither. 

I guess Kyle is going to do some work for Chuck and they left shortly afterwards to go to Lowes but I was happy I got to see him.

He brought over an article that made front page of the Daily Chronicle on the Chick Fil A protest but this one didn’t mention any of baggage that Kyle carries. 

I headed off to see Machiel Klerk and we had a session for an hour.  It was kind of a rambling one. I told him of the dream I had a couple of weeks ago about Kyle showing me his erection. When He asked how I felt about that I said I don’t think I felt anything…not arousal more like closure like it made Kyle human to me and less of something I placed on a pedestal. 

We talked about how I felt about death and how the Gay community has no place for its Elders not just Gay people who grew old, but for the people who are the vessels of wisdom.  We Visited about what Kyle meant to me, and I said joy.  I said when he lived here I had an intellectual companion who brought vitality into the home. 

I made another appointment for the 29th of November at6:00 O’clock, skipping next week.

Greg K. Paiz had asked if I would volunteer to help cook a turkey dinner at the Firsts Baptists next Sunday morning and I said okay. I remember all the fun Thanksgivings I  had helped with at MCC and the 1st Unitarian Church years ago for the Gay community ...such good times. Everyone one pulling together.

Once a traveling Lesbian singing group came invited by Becky Moss so we had music as well.

Houston Rowe of the GayHotSpot wrote: “ OMG Hey Everyone, I have not received any more articles and currently don’t have anything for Thursday to post. If you have something or will be finished with something by Wednesday please let me know. Thanks.” Kyle responded to Houston Rowe saying, “I'm gonna write one about the protest, it should be ready by Thursday.”

 

15 November 2011 Tuesday

It was a Long day at Washington. I had a conference at 8:00 this morning and I didn’t get out until 7:00 this evening. At home I wrote my article for the Q Salt Lake on Beyond Stonewall and went into the city to pick Chuck Whyte up at 9:15 so he wouldn’t have to take the bus.  He said Kyle Foote worked for him for about 3 ½ hours.

I wrote Kyle this morning: “I had a morning conference so had to be at school earlier. Three Conferences down, 17 more to go. I read the article in the Chrony...I bet you were proud to be listed as a U of U Junior!  That is so great. 

Chuck will be over at his place most of the day. There's chili, pot roast, and salsa in the refrig.  Haven't heard from Sears yet. I gave the I-phone to Mike to set up and sync it to iTunes. I guess I will keep it after all rather than let Zach Seach have it. 

Chuck is going crazy over all he has to do this week. I tried to tell him that not everything as to be down on clockwork but he's so OCD no telling him anything different.  I made my therapist laugh last night when I told if he ever gets a housekeeper make sure he has OCD. Well it’s going to be a long day.  Hope you have a great one.”

 

16 November 2011 Wednesday

I wrote Kyle: “The internet is off at the house this morning ugh... probably the modem but didn't have time to check it. Got home last night about 7:30 and quickly wrote a Lambda Column and then, when it was 9, Chuck Whyte still wasn't home but still working...dumb ass...he said he was going to take a bus so I just said stop working and I will come and get you ...ugh... It's going to be another late night.

I know Chuck appreciates what you are doing for him. Chuck is generous so I am sure he will make the aggravation worthwhile. If you swing by the house there's food in the frig, Hope your math test goes well. Ben”

It was another long day of Parent Teachers conferences. One mother had a cough and I am afraid I caught something from her because my throat felt raspy as I went to be. 

Before leaving school Kyle called me and left a message. When I listened to it I was surprised because he just said that he wanted to chat and that he wanted me to call him and he’s taking a break from working at Chuck’s. 

So when I got home I called him and found out why he called. He’s scared to death that when he goes in tomorrow to see his probation officer he be sent to jail because of issues surrounding Orgy.com.  He finally admitted that he was more shook up than he admitted from the guy who confronted him at the Chick-fil-A protest with a stack of documents calling him a crook.

He said this guy was going to call Kyle’s probation officer and this guy posted a lot of crap about Kyle on Face book and on the Gay Hot Spot. Kyle is worried that he will be arrested for violating the fiduciary restrictions placed in his probation and that if he does it could take a month or more to get it taken care of. He mostly just wanted to talk to me about his fear.  I know that he’s really scared.

So much for giving him $650 for his birthday so this wouldn’t be an issue.  He says that Marty Alder and his parents all know about his criminal past and don’t care. I wonder if that is true.

 

17 November 2011 Thursday

I wrote Charles Frost this morning- “Kyle called me last night to "chat" but actually to tell me how afraid he is about going to jail after seeing his probation officer today.  This is his check in day at 4 and he's scared that he might be arrested because of all the hullabaloo over his Chick fil- a protest.

He's not worried about that but about this crazy guy that confronted him at the protest and probably wrote those comments about Kyle in the Tribune. Kyle said this guy also created a Face book page on Kyle which Kyle had to get Face Book to take down and he sent stuff to the Gay Hot Spot. This guy said he was going to call Kyle's probation officer.  Kyle is worried, as he should be, that his probation officer might consider Orgy.com a violation of his fiduciary probation and then he would have to go before a judge to explain it all. If that happens he could be in jail for over a month waiting to see a judge. 

He's planning on going with Marty Alder's family to St George for Thanksgiving and of course his finals at SLCC would occur probably when he is in jail.  What a mess... I told him what you suggested, without telling it was from you, that  he needs to keep a low profile in the community, may be still organize stuff, but not be a spokesperson but as you said I didn't think his ego will let him. Looking forward to tomorrow to seeing you for dinner and the play.”

            Well Kyle Foote didn’t end up in Jail but his troubles are far from over. I wrote Kyle this morning, ““Will be thinking of you today as always but especially today.” He wrote me back in the afternoon, ““Just in case the golf clubs will need to go to Taylorsville City Hall. Just call Mayor Russ Wall. Obviously this is only if I'm unable to return them myself.  There won't be a major rush on returning them, he's not expecting them back until the week after Thanksgiving and he's gonna be out of town quite a bit between now and then.”  

I was having my last Parent Teacher’s conference when he texted me at 4 this afternoon saying, “Walking in now. I’ll text you as soon as I get out”.  A half hour later at 4:30 he texted “I’m out. It went ok. Just ok though.” 

I was done with all my conferences by 5 and I rushed home to talk to Kyle. He had just finished up with Chuck White and he didn’t sound very responsive. Almost like he didn’t want to tell me anything, which was 180 degrees opposite from yesterday. 

I had a parent cough on me all through SEP conference last night. Now I feel like crap and have 7 more conferences to go today. Oh the joys of teaching."

Marty Alder wrote to Kyle-“Hey random cute boy. Wanna fuck?”  Kyle replied “- Hey back! Um, not sure if my boyfriend will like this but..... Yeah, sure!”  Marty said, “- Then great!” Kyle added- ‘Too bad you're in class right now.”

 

18 November 2011 Friday

“Snow tonight to cover the trees from what the wind has stripped from them; revealing their naked shamefulness."

I wrote Greg Harden saying, “Kyle went to his probation officer yesterday and got discouraging news. The Attorney General office is saying that he should have paid nearly $1100 if he had a full time minimum wage job and says he's in arrears. He has to meet the Probation Officer again this Wednesday and bring in all records on Orgy.com and then he has to meet again on Dec 2 to report on whether he has a full time job and is getting caught up on the money the AG says he should be paying. The AG wants Kyle to be paying $500 a month minimum. He is pretty discouraged and thinks he's going to be arrested and sent to jail. I can't help him. he's tapped out all my resources.”

Greg Harden replied, “Sad news to hear Ben, so many people care for Kyle and want the best for him. Bless your heart for all that you have done for him. I know Kyle loves you and appreciates everything you have done for him. Kyle will be okay, if they decide to send him to jail it will be for a minimum time due to his restitution obligation. I'll keep him in my thoughts and prayers. Also I want you to know that I think you are a very sweet and dear man. Hugs to you Ben for your friendship and for being you! HUGS!!!”

Bill Poore and wrote back and forth to day about earlier days. Bill wrote, “I was living in the Village in the early 80s when AIDS hit, it was like a war zone. It is difficult for me to watch anything about that time because of all we went through, the fear, sadness, and despair. Just recently all that has been coming back to me. I lost so many friends, I ran from NYC in 1989, it became just too much to deal with.”

I wrote “The Flirtations had a great album from this era and one track called Just Like Living In War Time I use to play an lot on Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL ‘This is no time for doubting, to stop and wonder why  This is a time for shouting, "I don't believe the lies!"  One way or another, no one will be spared...I call out to my brothers, "Does not anybody care?"  We are living, it's just like living in wartime Conspiracy of silence, the enemy within  Complacency or arrogance make us think we cannot win Make us think that the battle has been won  But the thunder in the distance says its only just begun!  They try to break our spirits, they try to keep us in our place They do it to the women and the poor of every race  We face a common enemy of bigotry and greed  But if we fight together we can find the strength we need  We are living, we are living in wartime We are living, it's just like living in wartime We are living, we are living in wartime We are living, we are living in wartime It will not go away, more die every day, this is war.”

Bill Poore replied-Thank you for sharing that, when I talk to the young Gay men today, it saddens me when they talk about the parties where they try to get infected with HIV. They don’t have a clue what we went through as a community. It redefined us in NYC and SFRAN, and LA.

Wow, I loved your comment about former students that are now Gay. You taught them 20 years ago. What grades do you teach? Bountiful is so conservative, I imagine you have some great stories from over the years teaching in that community.

I have lived all over the country, in Gay ghettos from the time I graduated from college in 1976.  Since I returned to Utah, I have not been active in the Gay community at all. I find myself at odds with a lot of the leadership and the way they define our community, especially at the Center.

During the Pride week at the U I was hurt several times by members of the LGBT youth's attitude. I was stopped several times by transgenders correcting me when I would say "Gay" or did not use the current term in Transgenders process. They would not even come and see my show because it was "only about Gay men and lesbians".

I did the show for the LGBT. I got no support what so ever from the Center. They said they had things they were doing during my run. I reached out several time to the director on down.

I lived through, as have you, a lot of the history of the movement. The LGBT on campus treated me like an outsider, and pretty much ignored everything I said. They have a very closed little group that controls the resource center with most of the focus on transgender and lesbian issues. The young Gay man really does not seem to have much of a voice.

I was friends and part of the lives of Transgenders in the Village in NYC from the time I moved to the Village in 1977. Yvonne Ritter who was arrested at Stonewall was one of my dearest friends in NY. Her and I worked together during the early days of AIDS in NYC and later worked with members of the community getting sober.

 I want to get back involved with my community; one way to do that is getting to know some of the older Gay men who are very involved, like yourself. I want to find a place where I can work with Gay youth.

I have worked in treatment centers with young recovering addicts and alcoholics, and with my experiences as a teacher get along well working with young people. I like working on the front lines. I learned a long time ago, from the early days of ACT UP that I did not like meetings.

There are some real serious issues in today’s young community that are being ignored because the agenda is top heavy with only women and transgender issues, not that those issues are not important, they are very important, but it seems there is not a balance of issues.  Young men are killing themselves in their choices of how to live as Gay men.

 I would love to have lunch and have you teach me about my own community in SLC.  I am free from Wed on next week. Have a restful weekend. It is funny you seem to have a lot of young Gay men in your life, (I believe we have that Jake boy in common) I have a lot of straight young men in mine. They know I am Gay but come to me with a lot of their life issues....mostly girls.

I don’t want to sound like a bitter old queen, because I am not. I am very teachable and have always worked from a place where compromise is the way to move forward. Looking forward to hearing from you.”

I wrote back, “It is time to create a Support Group for older Gay men. The hell with Lesbians Bisexuals and Transgenders and with the youth who think all we have to offer is money. They wouldn't even know their asses from a hole in the ground if it wasn't for the Baby Boomers that came before them. Let's meet this week and plan something. That was my thing years ago organizing groups.”

Bill Poore said, “Gay Men over 50 that are not Queer" Does the leadership of the Center, or anyone of the organization know we do not want to be called Queer. That was started totally by a young lesbian radical at the Center. If you look at the photos posted at the Gala for the LGBT Resource Center Pride Week, the reception table, all transgenders and lesbians. The photos of the keynote speaker (Pauline Parks, transgender from NYC) all the tables around the podium were occupied by women. I saw maybe one Gay boy.

I manned a table during the campus pride for our show, near the student union and all the reps representing the resource center were all women and trans. I did not meet one Gay boy that was part of pride on campus.”

 

19 November 2011 Saturday

November is a very dark, dark month. It’s the Dark Moon. Its seems all the bad spirits that are set loose at Samhain are trying to cause as much suffering as they can. I can't wait until Yule when the light is reborn to banish the darkness. Hang on people and fasten your seat belts we are in for a bumpy ride. Even Thanksgiving can be a rough time especially if you are a caregiver.

I am depressed over Kyle again. He’s got a hold of my heart again.  I got up early this morning to bake a turkey for when he was to come over.   He called last night and said that he would come over for a few hours today.  I wanted to have a kind of thanksgiving dinner with him since he will be gone over the holiday.

I wrote on Face Book “Is there a 12 Steps Program for binge cooking? In two days I made spaghetti sauce with Italian sausage mushrooms and red peppers, sautéed yellow squash and Brussels sprouts in crumbled bacon, cooked a turkey this morning, made corn bread dressing, yams are cooking on the stove....please make it stop! I need an intervention!”

I shoveled snow off the deck today and sent flowers to Mike’s mom in Rawlins and ordered two hooded bath robes for Mike and Chuck for Christmas from the same company where I got mine. It came yesterday and I really like it.  It’s very heavy terry-cloth.

Anyway I kept sending Kyle little texts throughout the morning until at 12:30 this afternoon I get a message, “Sorry Ben, I barely woke up. I must have been sleep deprived after this past week. I haven’t slept this long in forever!”

 Then he called me to say that he was working for “Happy Monkey Humus” again this afternoon at 2 so he won’t be coming over after all. He said that Marty Alder and he will be spending the night together in Herriman this Wednesday night before going down to St. George.

Another ding to the heart. Not only did I want to have dinner with him because I know he how he loves turkey I also wanted to go to Lowes to buy hardware for putting curtains up around the hot tub. So I was bummed out and disappointed by his not coming over.

I feel like he’s just checking-in like I am some type of probation officer after I made that demand at the beginning of the month that he unblock me on Face book and he spends at least 5 hours a week with me for use of the truck. I doubt whether he had his own vehicle he would ever see me.

I ended up taking Chuck Whyte to Lowes anyways because he had stuff he still needed for his condo. While out I bought a shorter outside extension cord for Christmas lights. 

Chuck and I ate the Turkey dinner while we watched Glee which was about everyone’s first time having sex and it made me think again that Marty’s first time was with Kyle. That he and Kyle are lovers. That they are family, and they are spending Thanksgiving together as a family.  It made me realize what an outsider I am in all this. I will never be included in Kyle’s family circle. I know this now. I need to so very much move on.  Is there anything lonelier than eating a dinner you prepared for someone else because they didn't come over?

My Face Book friend Richard Sheltra posted "Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option..." Somehow I've got to learn how to do this. Then Bill Poore, the U of U director, wrote back “This is my expertise: Those that care the least,  control the relationship. Don’t call them and don’t wait for them to call you. If you do, it is Dial P for Pain.”

I went to Charles Frost’s recognition of a “Fairly Free Thinker” event given to him by the 1st Unitarian Church, deservedly so.. I gave Doug Lott a check for $23 for the ticket Charles bought for the show “Hair” that we didn’t get to see. 

I only saw Babs de Lay there but no one else that I knew,  but the place was packed. I sat by Babs DeLay of all people. Maybe she will not think of me as such an ass hole if I am Charles’ friend. Afterwards I came home to a quiet house

I am off to the First Baptists in the morning to help cook a Thanksgiving dinner for them. Staying busy keeps me from missing someone.

 

20 November 2011 Sunday

Today is the 90th anniversary of my Grandparent Johnson's marriage. I Miss them very much.

I feel melancholy. I feel that Kyle and my relationship is so broken that it’s beyond real repair. If Kyle lived here then if he overslept I would still see him. Everything is an effort.

I need to keep repeating the mantra “Marty is his lover I am not”. He made it so plain last September when he sat down beside me and tried to comfort me by saying it would never happen.  Why do I keep holding on? Am I too afraid to let go? Is his brief attention to me worth it? 

While Zach Seach and Chuck Whyte were here they were a great distraction from Kyle. “I know all there is to know about the ‘Crying Game’ I've had my share of the crying game First there are kisses, then there are sighs And then before you know where you are, you're saying goodbye One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon about the crying game And if he knows, maybe he'll explain Why there are heartaches, why there are tears? And what to do to stop feeling blue, when love disappears? First there are kisses, then there are sighs And then before you know where you are, you're saying goodbye Don't want no more of the crying game Don't want no more of the crying game.”

I wrote “Dear Kyle this is a letter I will not send you. I sense that you have found a new family in the Alders. I am happy… no I lie I am not happy about anything that takes you away from me but what recourse do I have? None? I kept asking Andy Dalrymple last night when he called taking some advice about the jackass that he loves who is taking advantage of him…what are you getting out of it? I have to ask myself the same questions… what am I getting out of it and is it enough?  No.”

I went to the First Baptists this morning at 9 after dropping Chuck off at his place to help prepare the Thanksgiving dinner at the church. Joel Evert and Ken Burnett were mostly in charge but once they knew I knew what I was doing I was put to work chopping celery, Onions, and then carving the turkey. I and this other fellow cut up about 8 turkeys. I was so sick of turkey by the time I was through. 

Chuck had to take a taxi to church because I couldn’t leave to go get him. Actually the work kept my mind busy and occupied so I didn’t have to think of Kyle. 

After dinner and dropping Chuck off,  I went to Wal-mart and bought some rope lights for the deck and when I got home I saw the truck in the garage and instead of being happy I was thinking please let him not be here but he was. 

There he was Sitting in his same spot, watching TV and checking his status on FB. I guess he’s deleting most of his 1400 friends. He’s down to less than 700 people down. 

He also shocked me by saying that he is not going to St. George with Marty this weekend after all. He said it was because it’s too early in the relationship for them to spend that much time together with Marty’s family but I wonder what the real reason is? Did Marty’s parents call it off?  It’s hard to believe that Kyle would have since he borrowed golf clubs to go golfing with Marty’s dad. Was he afraid that his probation officer wouldn’t let go to St. George.

I asked him how Marty felt about him not going at the last minute and he said that Marty understood. I bet.

He did admit that he thinks he’s going to jail this Wednesday when he reports in because the Attorney General  wants $1100 from him for past restitution and he doesn’t have a job yet.

When we went for a ride with the dogs I told him again that I wanted him to move in with me that we can work out anything but he again said that it wasn’t going to happen. It took a lot of courage for me to ask him knowing I would be rejected again. After that I thought why bother anymore?”

If he would have moved in, I would have tried to get him the money and fix it but not now. If he has so little feelings for me that he’d rather go to jail then live with me again why bother? So be it. 

I really lost interest in Kyle being here after that, and I started stringing the rope lights on the porch but he came out to help and later we finally ate the turkey dinner I fixed yesterday.  It’s probably the only Thanksgiving dinner I will ever have with Kyle.  Last year he was in jail. 

Well if he goes to jail, guess who is going to get stuck paying for Orgy.com? May be jail is where he belongs. There he can’t hurt any more people.

It’s easy for Kyle to say no to me. 

He was trying to be sweet to me today by touching me and rubbing my back but all that did was make me wall up my heart more.  Need to distance myself from him and him being in jail well at least I would know where he is. 

So I guess I better get serious about refinancing the house and get the American Express and Horizon Visa at least taken care of. 

“A false hearted lover will lead to the grave and the grave will decay you and turn you to dust not one boy in a hundred a poor boy can trust.”

 This evening I went and had a massage by this guy who lives over on Redwood near 7-11. He was only 40 so I thought I’d give him a try. He had a massage table but really wasn’t very good at it but it was still nice to be massaged by a naked man. There’s a time coming and that time is coming soon that I will no longer care Kyle Foote. My cornucopia heart is nearly empty.

"Corporations and Bankers better see the hand writing on the wall- The Times They Are A-changing... Whose side are you on? People or pseudo-people? If the Wall Street establishment would have regulated itself as much as they demand the police regulate peaceful protest we wouldn't be on the verge of a social revolution. I say pepper spray WALL STREET for occupying AMERICA!"

 

21 November 2011 Monday

It was a rainy drizzly day for most of the morning. A Gray November day. I am taking personal leave days from work this week. At 10 this morning I went to Bountiful to America First Credit Union to apply for refinancing of my mortgage. I locked in at 3.88 for a 30 year mortgage for $135,000.  I would be making about $800 a month payments for the rest of my life.

Well the loan officer said I should have enough to pay off American Express, Citibank. Horizon’s Visa and Lowes so that would leave me with Sears, the cars and the mortgage.  I was done by 1 in the afternoon and then went to Wal-Mart to get some more string lights and I also bought a Belgium Waffle iron. Merry Christmas.

I also went to Lowes and got some brackets to put up poles across the posts to hang curtains from around the hot tub. 

About 2:30 I get a call from Kyle Foote asking if he could come over and hang out, which was very strange because he knows he doesn’t have to ask.  So he spent about 3 hours here before having to go off to NAMI.

I told him about the refinancing and he said that it would help “us” a lot. Well I know it will help me if he ends up going to jail because I will be stuck with all the credit debt.

I fed him more turkey and I am sure he hadn’t eaten all day. 

When I took Coco home, I looked inside the truck and was surprised to see the entire back area all filled with suitcases and totes and shoes.  It made me really wonder if Kyle and Marty broke up.  He didn’t mention Marty once today although he was all jazz about the Happy Monkey Humus people that he’s been doing some work for.  I wonder why Kyle won’t tell me what is really going on in his life.

He’s deleting Face book friends like crazy and he said if he gets below 200 he will probably drop Face book all together. He’s running away.  I wonder if literally.

Just when I was thinking now that I have refinancing I can get Kyle out of my life but then I realize that I can’t.  I stare at his form, his face, his crotch, his feet, his hair just trying to keep a mental picture in my heart for always.

I did that with John Cunningham and Billy Bikowski so I can pull them up and see them at any time. 

I thought about school and how it went, a little, but I am so glad I am taking the entire week off. 

It was Sad to hear that Kristen Merrill of the Saliva Sisters died today.  I loved the Saliva Sisters and they are a part of my Gay coming out experience.

It’s Time to reevaluate those I have in my life who consider me a priority and not an option, those who love being with me and those who just need me as a backup plan. Time has a way of sorting those people who are in your life from your life. Someday someone will realize what he had in me and how much he lost

Kyle Foote wrote to Rick Weber of NAMI saying, “Hey rick! I haven't seen you at group in a few weeks. I hope you're ok. ~Kyle” Rick Weber wrote back, ‘Hi Kyle, I'm doing fine. I wanted to be there but had class! I will be there tonight. I have put together a resource box for the group and would love to talk to you afterwards. Thanks,  Rick.”

The Gay and Geeks group posted: “Hello all! Just a reminder that Geek and Feast is tomorrow night. Bring a dish to share and invite all of your friends. The evening begins at 7 PM at the residence of the illustrious/generous/philanthropic Raymond King (1118 South Windsor Street - which is between 9th and 8th south). There will be movies, pie, friends, ballerinas, handsome sweaters, and Luke Skywalker pilgrims. This is one not to miss!”

 

22 November 2011 Tuesday

I got a speeding ticket this morning Ugh. I was trying to pass a car that was blocking me from getting onto the freeway. Well it could be worse. I could be going to Jail like Kyle Foote might.

I Took the documents that America First Credit Union needed to continue the processing of my mortgage. Then I bought the poles to hang the curtains from around the hot tub.  I Worked putting them on the posts and that almost all afternoon but now it’s done.

I then went to Dancing Crane this New Age import place on 7th East in Sugar House and bought some colorful Indian print curtains to hang around the deck. It’s so faerie.

It was a breezy day but it got up to 50 degrees so I was glad for the weather to work on the deck.

 I got a call about 5 from Kyle saying he was just sitting down with Marty’s father to talk about his “history”.  He told me over a month ago the Marty’s family knew all about him. So he lied to me back then.

I was so disturbed that Kyle might be trying to con him that I wrote Darren Alder a message-“Mr. Alder, my name is Ben Williams. I don't know if Kyle has ever spoken of me. He lived with me for a year.  We became very close and I grew to love Kyle and only wanted the best for him - but I don't want others that care for him get hurt financially either.

I've absorbed the debt Kyle incurred in my name because I love him. I told him when I learned what he did that I would not send him to jail. Kyle now says he's sitting down with you to go over his "history". This upsets me because he claimed that you and Marty knew all about his history and it didn't matter to you so I left it alone. Now I wonder if he ever told me the truth. It’s pretty much a mess.

He's been on probation ever since I have known him and he went to Jail a year ago last November until I could secure a phone line so he could be monitored at the house.

 Before you offer him any financial help please ask him how he financed Orgy.Com and then let me know what he said and I will let you know whether he is telling you the truth. 

If Kyle knows I have contacted you, I know he will feel really hurt and probably never have anything to do with me again but  I cannot let him do to someone else who cares for him, like I know your family does, like he did to me.

I never made contact before because I thought Kyle was making a go of it but he is in desperate straits again with the AG demanding $1100 in back restitution or he will go to jail.  That is at least the story he told me and he tells a different one to others.

 I know this is painful for everyone but if you don't know when someone is telling the truth how can you really know that person?  Before you judge me too harshly I am refinancing my house to take care of a $20,000 debt Kyle occurred with credit card fraud.  Sincerely Ben.”

As soon as I wrote it, I deleted it and wrote Greg Hardin. “I am in a quandary- Kyle just called and said he is meeting with Darren Alder, Marty's dad about his "history". Kyle had told me before that Marty and his parents knew what Kyle had done and was okay with it. Now I wonder if Kyle lied. He is desperate. He needs $1100 or he will go to jail. Monday Kyle said that he was not going on the big trip to St. George with Marty and his parents...I wonder if they found out about the real Kyle? I am afraid that Kyle might be pumping them for money. Should I keep my mouth shut?”

While waiting for a response from Greg,  Kyle called me and said that the talk with Darren Alder went well. I asked him did they read the newspaper story and he said yes and I asked if he told him about Orgy.com and then he asked, “about the site or what I did to you?”

He replied that he had done both and when I asked how he felt about it Kyle said Darren was ok with the site but “disappointed” in what he did to me.

Kyle then tried to chit chat and said he was going back to Amy Barry’s to read and rest.  I just don’t believe Kyle. He told me that he had talked to Curtis Price last August but told him nothing and now he refuses to go to church anymore because Kyle knows that he lied to him.  So I tried writing to Darren Alder again.

“This is Ben Williams. I don't know if you know me but Kyle lived with me this pass year.  He is still using my white pickup truck to get around. The reason I am contacting you is that Kyle called me and said that you and he had a talk about his history and you were okay with his past.  I am not out to hurt Kyle, I never have, but he told me a while ago that he had already told you about his criminal past and you and Marty were okay with him. So I was puzzled why he was meeting with you again. 

Kyle has so many fine outstanding qualities but he truly is like a split personality and an enigma because he only reveals parts of himself.  He told me on the phone just a few minutes ago that he told you how he got the money for Orgy.com from me.  Did he tell you he charged $20,000 to a credit card he opened in my name and on another card he stole from me? 

When I found out he did this to me I was completely devastated not so much for the money as much as the betrayal of trust. Kyle lived with me room and board free and had full use of my truck so he could go to school, work at the Farmers Market and pay his restitution.

He knew how much I trusted him and loved him and he took advantage of that.  He begged me not to call his probation officer, scared to death he would go to prison for this gross violation of his probation.  I loved him so much I couldn't send him to prison but agreed to help him pay this off.

I actually accepted all the charges so Kyle would not be investigated for credit fraud.  It was shortly after this he met your son and Kyle and I hit a really rough patch because I felt like he abandoned any emotional responsibility to me. 

Only my closest friends knew what Kyle had done to me.  I have to refinance my house now to absorb Kyle's debt because the AG is after him to pay $1100 in restitution or go to jail which he may tomorrow.  

The real reason I am writing to you is that Kyle said he has been absolutely honest with you about me.  I love Kyle but know that he has this illness that the court ordered to him to complete “Moral Reconation Therapy”.  [Moral Reconation Therapy (MRT) is a type of behavioral therapy aimed at decreasing the likelihood of someone returning to abusing substances or alcohol. It teaches people in the criminal justice system to focus on the moral aspects of their illness, and the social consequences. MRT started as a behavioral treatment for offender populations to reduce the likelihood of re-offending. It is now a widely accepted cognitive-behavioral approach that treats substance use disorders, trauma, domestic violence, and more.]

Please care for Kyle but don't let him have access to your financial accounts or give him any money you can't afford to lose.  I feel somehow like I am betraying a confidence by telling you this but I would feel horrible if Kyle was able to do to anyone else what he did to me. It’s like he has no control over it like an addiction. 

He owes nearly $300,000 to four individuals he swindled and I don't know how he will ever get out from under that for the rest of his life.  I love Kyle and always will but I’ve learned that you can love someone and not trust them.  Sorry if you find this all disturbing since we don't know each other but just have feelings for the man.”

I deleted this letter also before sending it. I didn’t want to come across as a love sick fool. Before going to bed early, I wrote on Face book, ““It says something doesn't it when someone you know and love who you might not see again for a long while, would rather be home alone than with you.” 

So I also wrote Kyle “Hope you are okay I feel like something is wrong and you aren't telling me. I will always be grateful for my deck and the time we shared.” He replied “The only thing I'm stressed about is not being in jail. Everything else is fine and going well enough.”

I didn't believe him and later I saw that he posted a picture of Marty at his place and he wrote that all he needs after yoga is apple juice, crackers and hummus to be happy.  That is where he was at Marty’s.  That is where his heart is.

 Finally Greg wrote back to me:  “Ben I know you love and care for Kyle very much but I feel you are enabling him and that you have put yourself in a codependent relationship with him. Kyle has other sources besides you that he can go to. I'm sure he can utilize his contacts from the Farmers Market and such.

Darrin Alder wants what is best for Marty. Darrin's sister is the Residential Mortgage Manager at Wells Fargo Bank, she has the resources to pull credit and police background checks. If Darrin doubts Kyle’s intentions, Darrin and Jessie are two steps ahead of Kyle!

Ben I know you want to help Kyle but, when is this insanity going to stop? You need to take care of yourself and I sincerely mean it. Like I said, if Kyle goes to jail it will only be for a short time because they want restitution payments.

When Kyle goes to jail (yes, I know that is hard to hear) just be his friend on the outside. You can write him, visit him and put money on his account. He'll probable qualify for the ankle monitor and he will be able to stay with you again while he serves his time.

In AA, we learn that a person has to hit the bottom in order to realize where they are. Kyle has not hit his bottom yet, he has been very lucky and fortunate. If you are having Kyle over for Thanksgiving, let him know how much you love and care for him and that you want the best for him. In that moment, you will be able to spiritually connect with him and he will let you know how much he loves and cares for you too. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Hugs!”

I wrote him back saying, “Thank you Greg. I know you are right. I wrote Darren twice but deleted it each time before I sent it. I couldn't be sure of my motives whether I was trying to keep Kyle from hurting them or coming off sounding spiteful and scornful.

I know I have enabled Kyle way too much. I am trying to wind that down. He's a broken man and as much as I love him I can't fix him. I just don't believe Kyle any more. He said that he told Darren all about Orgy.com and what he did to me to get it but I don't believe him.

I know Darren and Jesse aren't going to let anyone hurt Marty. I just wonder who canceled Kyle's trip to St. George. Kyle said he did but I don't believe him. I guess not believing Kyle anymore is a good thing.

Kyle's issues with MRT keeps him from ever seeing how his actions destroy people's lives. I am refinancing my house to pay off the debt that Kyle put under my name. It's not to enable him but to protect myself. He will never be able to pay me back, especially if he goes to jail.

You are absolutely right that he has other options. I just don't want to be just an option to Kyle anymore knowing I will never be a priority.

I don't know whether he goes to jail I will put money or anything to help him. I gave him $620 in October to put towards a probation problem. It didn't do any good and I might as well have thrown it in the toilet.

I had to come up with $450 for an appraiser to come look at the house so I spent over $1000 on Kyle since he has moved out! I don't even get his association anymore.

 I've asked him to move back home several times and each time he said no so I don't want him here under court supervision knowing that it wasn't his choice to be here. The holidays will be a good time to make a break from the tormented enchanted spell Kyle has cast over my heart.”

I wrote later wrote on Face book-“got a refinance rate of 3.89 % locked in. Now I can pay off the debt hanging over my head especially since I know the person can never pay me back. Grateful I have a home. Grateful I have a job. Grateful I can afford two animal companions. Grateful my health is still holding up. Grateful for friends who have become family. Grateful the life lessons learned that I am a much stronger person then most people I know.”

 

23 November 2011 Wednesday

I was up at 3  this morning thinking about Kyle Foote going to jail today and couldn't get back to sleep with too much on my mind but I managed to lay down at 5 when I get a call at 6:30. It was from the man who was coming to hook my water line up to my frig saying that they were on their way and would be there in 15 minutes. They were scheduled from 7-11. 1st time ever had someone be on time or before time!

So I hurried and clean the kitchen and moved the pantry cupboard. Kyle had paid for it when he put in the order so I didn’t have to at all. They were done in less than a half hour and I spent the rest of the day working in the yard raking leaves and mowing.

 Kyle called this morning about 9:30 and said his probation officer said that he didn’t have to come into day after all but needs to come in next week. That was a lot of unnecessary stress on Kyle for a week. He said he’d be over in the afternoon.

So after taking Chuck Whyte over to his new place, I was home alone for most of the day. Hoping Kyle would be spending a lot of time here today and may be the rest of the week, I made a bacon mushroom quiche and a veggie quiche. I also made a pot of beef stew. 

After cooking I did so much effing yard work today because the weather was a balmy 60 degrees. Raked tons of leaves and mowed before a cannon ball mowed me down. The kids next door keep throwing this Lacrosse hard ball into the yard to torment the dogs and while mowing the backyard I ran over it when it was covered with leaves and it shot out like a cannon ball and hit me in the right leg. A little more centered I am sure it would have broken a bone as it is I have a knot the size of a goose egg and am cripple up....ouch ouch ouch... still got one good leg so all is not bad.

Kyle didn’t show until about 2:30 and just said he was dropping the Truck off so I could use it because he had the Atwater’s Jeep to get around in. We watched a new series he likes and ate some stew. But he only stayed until I fed the dogs. He said he had deliveries to do for Happy Monkey and probably would just be by himself all Thanksgiving. That wounded me so we left and I took him to the Atwaters at 5:00.

I sent home with Kyle however a veggie quiche to give to Amy Barry. It was my way of saying thanks for taking care of Kyle. He also took with him a bunch of beer and some sherry. Zach had cleaned out most of the rest of the alcohol.

On the drive over to pick up the Jeep, Kyle could tell that I was sad. I just thought we’d might have spent more time together. Then he surprised me when he reached and held my hand and said he could tell I was upset. I said it didn’t matter how I felt that the outcome was going to be the same.

At Erin Atwaters place we had another talk out in the car. From what Kyle was finally telling me I realized why he cannot move back in with me because Marty Alder still hates me. He hates the fact that Kyle comes over to see me. He absolutely hates that I want to adopt Kyle. So as long as Kyle is dating Marty I can’t be included in that circle.

I said that it makes me incredibly sad that I cannot be a part of the life that has become so meaningful to Kyle.  He said that if things work out between him and Marty then Marty will have to come to terms with me. He said that Marty may or may not be there for him but that I would always be there for him. I am glad that he realized that.

 Kyle also told me that Marty’s best friend Crystal Gittings deleted Kyle from her Face book. She is mad at Kyle because of his criminal past and while Kyle said that Marty is okay with it, she is not. Kyle thinks it’s because he is coming in between her and Marty. Maybe so. So the party is over now over there. Marty is losing his best friend because she doesn’t want anything to do with Kyle.

Before I left, I guess Kyle has decided to go to St. George after all. It’s probably a good thing for him but not me.

I got to spend some time with Kyle Foote so it's been a good day. It’s going to be a very peaceful Thanksgiving. Chuck Whyte, I know, is happy to be moving into his new condo. Like my grandma always said when company leaves it’s a "glad lonesome". Miss the company but nice also to get back into a familiar routine.

 

Thanksgiving 2011 Thursday 24 November

I had a very nice day home alone with the schnauzers for Thanksgiving. I didn’t want to leave the house. Faye Romero called me yesterday to say she got the flowers I sent but other than that no one called me nor did I call anyone.

I Wrote Kyle Foote- “I just want to say I hope you have a fun and meaningful Thanksgiving with the Alders. After all you have been through lately I know you need a break from school and worries.  Just have fun and relax and build some memories with Marty. Will be thinking about you today. Ben”  I never heard a word back from him. I didn’t expect to.

I got a lot of house cleaning done today and especially moving the front room furniture around. I needed to shift some of the ghosts around so that everything doesn’t remind me of Kyle. It does look totally different and it a much better arrangement. I really cleaned every room except the movie room.

Yesterday I hung India print curtains around my hot tub so it looks like a Hippie spa. I just need to burn some Patchouli incense and I am set. Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna hare hare..

Happy Thanksgiving everyone...I think I will have another piece of Quiche and sip some more on my pomegranate blueberry tea.

My sister Charline Wachs wrote- “Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving. We all went to Denise and Heidi for turkey day. Mary cooked a wonderful meal. I only had to bring a cake, rolls, and the bean casserole . We had a great time did not leave till almost 9. It was nice to spend time with Heidi’s side of the family.”

 

25 November 2011 Friday

I finished working in the house for most of the day. I cleaned out drawers. Pulled out the winter clothes and put away the summer clothes...organized my linen closet and got rid of a bunch of raggedy towels and old medicine.

I made up the downs stairs bed and vacuumed the house again. Scrubbed the bathroom and afterwards I finish the laundry. I must have tossed my small fiber optic Tree and I don't want to put up the pink one this year.

I also want to buy a pretty poinsettia plant and call it good. I only went out today to buy some poinsettias to decorate the front room now that it’s all been changed around. It’s nice to have the house looking different. It’s the best I can do without moving. 

I am, Reading my 2009 Journal I realized that I never finished it but stopped in the middle of September. Not sure why. Anyway spent much of my time going back into my old Face book account and copied postings from that year into my journal. Amazing how much you lose if you don’t write it down. 

What I realized was that in August and September Mike Romero and Mark Andersen moved out, leaving me alone. Mike and I had lived together for 16 years and I was on my own again at the age of 58. I guess I couldn’t process it and stopped writing.

 How much I did write seems so much like what Kyle did to me at the same time of year. Emotionally he left me, leaving me alone again now at the age of 60 years. I don’t think my heart had really healed before it was broken again.

In 2009 I was so afraid of losing everything because I didn’t think I would be able to have my teacher’s license renewed because of arrest records from years ago. I had no support.

 

26 November 2011 Saturday

I was up early this morning in the dark thinking of Kyle Foote and how I’ve not heard a word from him. I know he has found a new family with the Alders and so it should be.  They are young and energetic people.  I thought how they must perceive Kyle as a member of their family almost a son in law with Marty and him sharing the same bed.  I am sure it’s the first time Marty has had a boyfriend at a family gathering like Thanksgiving. 

It’s been a strange holiday weekend. Todd Bennett and Ron Hunt were nearly in a car collision; Brian Williams was almost hit by a car, and Deb Rosenberg posted in a metaphor that she and Carla Gourdin are breaking up,  and my niece Denise Wachs messengered me asking if there were crazies in our family.  She lost her job because of her drinking.

Denise wrote- “Yeah. Lost my job a couple weeks ago and that really is weighing me down. Called Sally Mae to put into forbearance but they refused to work with me. I have the guy’s name and badge #. He was a complete ass. I've taking care of most everyone else. And unemployment in this state really blows. For some one that makes over 50,000 a year for almost 4 years, I'll get 240 a week! I was making that a day!!! oh well, optimism is free . Right? It's still free? Shit who knows any more. I just hope that God has something good for me in store. He's already put in place a great support group for me. Well......GOD.......Let’s get on with it!!”

Well when I got to thinking, what else can go wrong, I finally got an email message from Kyle this morning at 8:30. He  wrote- “Hey Ben, Just wanted to send you a note and say I'm thinking of you this holiday weekend. This past Wednesday, while at work, Marty came down with a pretty bad stomach ache and diarrhea it only got worse after that.

When we woke up the next day, on Thanksgiving morning, he was in terrible pain and the only thing coming out was blood. He took some Advil and started to feel a little better so we drove down to St. George thinking the worst of it was over. But that night he took a pretty bad turn and so we took him to the ER at about 8pm on Thursday and were there until 1:30am.

Turns out he has Gastroenteritis and had blood in his intestine. So Friday I spent the entire day taking care of him in the hotel room, where the only thing he could do was wake up every so often to poop blood and then crawl back into bed and sleep. He hasn't gotten much better, but the Dr said it could take 5 to 7 days for him to fully recover. I'm just hoping he gets a little better today.

Anyway, hope you have a great day with the Giles and an enjoyable rest of your holiday weekend. Love, Kyle.”

I wrote him back trying to keep my emotional distance- “I am sorry Marty is in so much pain and discomfort. His parents must be frantic. He is lucky to be with someone who loves him while he is sick. Not a pleasant way to spend the holidays. Take care of both of yourselves.  When I said ‘build memories with each other’ this is not what I had meant. Hope they gave him fluids in the ER and you are taking care of yourself too.”

I went over to the Giles for a Thanksgiving dinner in the afternoon. I was early but I didn’t know how to get out there to Daybreak so I was about an hour early. Randy and I talked about Kyle. He said he wished I’d get him out of my life. He said Scott, this detective friend, pulled up a huge file on Kyle and more than just financial crap but sexual offenses too. I was so sad.

He said that he’s going to get me Kyle’s arrest record which includes sexual assault charges too. It’s like do I even know who this man is?

 I fell asleep on the Scarlet Gypsy couch with Daisy and Buddy by my side. I must have been really tired.

 

27 November 2011 Sunday

This morning I wrote on Face Book “Well its almost over. I hope everyone survived the first wave of holidays relatively unscathed. (Gawd that sounds cynical).”

I thought that was a shitty sentiment so I posted again “Okay attitude adjustment...I am looking at a beautiful dawn breaking over the Wasatch Mountains...I am grateful for sipping on hot Italian Roast coffee while noshing on a English muffin with orange marmalade jam on it. I am grateful for a peaceful home while listening to the theme from Route 66 while my furry companions gather around my feet. I am grateful that at my age my heart is still open to the possibility of love. I am finally grateful that I can be grateful for what I have and not envious of what I don't have.”

I went to First Baptists where they had the 1st Advent Sunday service after picking up Chuck Whyte along the way.  Afterwards Charles Frost and Doug Lott  came over to enjoy a dip in the hot tub, some wine, cheeses, and good conversation on this beautiful Sunday afternoon.

I wrote to Curtis Price pastor of the 1st Baptist-“Enjoyed your passionate sermon this morning. I haven't checked in with you for a while but want you to know I appreciate your hugs. They are worth coming to church for.

I am in therapy. My insurance wouldn't cover the women you suggested but a found a Jungian therapist that is Gay friendly who I like. I like him because after the first session he recognized I was suffering from a broken heart.

Chuck Whyte stayed with me when Kyle moved out at the end of Sept. He really likes the feel of the 1st Baptists. He used to be a Deacon in the Metropolitan Community Church here in SLC and has been a committed member of the Gay community for years. We are good friends even if we annoy each other.

I am refinancing my house to get out from the credit card debt that Kyle placed on me. I still love the kid. Stupid I know... but the heart does what the heart wants regardless of the head. Thanks for all you have done. Ben”

 

 

28 November 2011 Monday

I was up early to go into work because I hadn’t planned anything for the week before I left. I found out from Mrs. Jaspersen, that my substitute never showed up for the two days and the office had to scramble to get people to take shifts looking after my class. Oh well I did what I was supposed to do.

I took the truck into work just to keep Kyle from taking it without my getting to see him first. At 9 this morning he texted me that he was going into see his probation officer and later texted that he had to come and get some receipts he left in the truck so he had to drive to Bountiful to retrieve them.  I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day so wasn’t sure whether he was in jail or not until I got home. 

School went okay and my class is starting to practice the Bell that Couldn’t Ring for Christmas. We only have three weeks to learn it to perform it on the 20th, which is the last day of school until we get back from Winter Break. 

My right leg was really bothering me and when I got home and took off my shoe I noticed a darken bruise had pooled around my ankle and heel which wasn’t sore but my leg sure was. I thought that the blood must have drained down my leg to my foot. It scared me enough to call and make an appointment to see Dr. Stoneburner but the earliest I could get in was the 8th! If it doesn’t get better I will have to go to emergency care.

I called Kyle about 4:30 this afternoon to see if he was picking up the phone or was in jail. No answer, so I called Greg Hardin to see how long it is before the jail posts new inmates on the internet. He said generally 12 hours, but as I was talking to him, Kyle texted me saying that he’s okay and is at a job interview and would call me back which he did about an hour later.

We talked for about a half hour and then later I called him and suggested that I met him after NAMI so he could come retrieve the truck.  So at 8 this evening I gave the dogs a ride to meet Kyle and let him take the Atwater’s vehicle home, and then he drove me home so he could retrieve the truck.

I gave him $20 so he could have some spending money before he gets paid on the 1st.  I am starting to realize I really don’t know Kyle. He’s full of secrets. I wonder how one can love a sphinx?

 But I think of the things I have because of Kyle. I have a painted house, new flooring, new fixtures for downstairs bathroom, a new rug for the downstairs bedroom, new light fixtures, a new staircase, a new deck, new doors, a new patio, and a fire pit.

Amy Barry wrote to Kyle at 9 this morning, “Hello- I was hoping we can set a time to sit down and talk about the market map at my house.  We need to discuss how we want the configuration to look like and our 2 pavilion choices. Is there a night that is good for you both?  I’m sure we’ll be able to come together at some point J. Thanks, Amy.”

Kyle wrote back, “Sounds like a good time to me! I can do after 6pm this week on either Tuesday or Wednesday. Just let me know and I'll be there. :) ~Kyle”

 Christine A Johanson commented on her Face Book Wall post to Kyle : "All is forgiven. We've BOTH been super busy, but I have missed you!!!!!! What are you doing Thursday? I didn't have the boys for Thanksgiving this year so we're doing our turkey dinner this Thursday night instead. You and Martin are invited!!! ... and I'll make sure there are plenty of vegetarian things to eat for Martin. "

 

29 November 2011 Tuesday

I should have gone to the doctor’s today because of my leg but I wanted to come home and be with Kyle Foote. It’s really getting worse though. When I came home Kyle was here doing school work on the computer and watching TV.

I asked him how he liked the way the room was changed around but he acted like he didn’t. He said he likes things to stay the same however I really think he just doesn’t like changes without him being involved. 

He was watching a series about people bidding on abandoned storage units and then he told me something really revealing which I don’t think he meant to do. He was actually kind of bragging about it. I knew he lost much of his personal things when he lost two storage units he once had. He was telling me that the people who bought his abandoned units really made out well because in one of them he had $10,000 worth of wine! Plus all his furniture and electronics! 

I thought to myself that was all things he had bought with stolen money!  I asked him why didn’t he find a way to move it all before losing it and he admitted that he had his “personal assistant” put it all under her name because he was “busy’ and when he couldn’t pay her any more she took the units and he had no recourse.

So in other words he was hiding all that stuff under her name and then he lost it all anyway.  There is so much I will never know about Kyle.

At therapy tonight Machial compared Kyle to being a crocodile. He said that no matter how magnificent a creature he appears to be he will still bite you without remorse if I put my hand to close to his mouth.

It was hard to hear because it is true. Even if Kyle loves me he will bite me because he is a crocodile.

Machial also said that with me being an Eros Maniac that whenever Kyle is around me he is ‘luminous’ and that makes it all the harder to see him as a crocodile.

I wrote Kyle before going into work this morning, “Hope your morning is less stressful than yesterday. I hope Marty is improving too.  Had a restless night because of my leg. Yesterday my foot turned kind of dark like maybe blood is pooling around my ankle from the knot I got on my leg.  If it’s not better today I will go to instant care tomorrow. It’s painful to walk on when first getting up. Probably just needs to heal.  Have a wonderful day.”

Kyle using the pseudonym Ryan Jacob was on Craig’s List trying to hook up as that he didn’t have a place anymore to bring guys home. He was mostly sending pictures of an image he said was his.

 

30 November 2011 Wednesday

I went to the doctor at Instant Care in Bountiful right after work to have my leg looked at. The doctor said what I thought, that the blood was just draining from my leg down to my foot but she did give me prescription for antibiotics.

 

DECEMBER

1 December 2011 Thursday

I went to bed at 7 last night and slept in until 6 this morning. I guess my body needed to rest to heal my leg. I hobble around with a walking stick. Wish I had someone to take my trash out LOL. Buddy and Daisy are good snugglers and are watching over me.

Gawd what a day...dodging toppling semis heading to school, seeing giant spruce trees fall across the street only to reach school with all the power off, no electricity no heat and kids waiting to come inside! What is wrong with some parents? Or the district saying school was still open!

I texted Kyle Foote while at school since I couldn’t do much else- The power is out at school and two huge spruces have tipped over and when I came in the door the wind knocked over all these partitions. There’s no lights, no computer, no cafeteria, but we are holding school!” The kids are freezing and so am I as I read to them by the window light from the Best Christmas Pageant ever.

The water fountains don’t work without electricity and there’s no lights in the bathrooms. Fun day. I Heard on the news no school in Davis tomorrow.

Bountiful high is shut down and I am not sure I will be able to get out with all the trees across the roads.

I only had 7 kids show up but by noon parents had enough sense to come and get their freezing kids. After I Got all my kids taken care of by noon and I was able to make it home myself. There I made me a huge pot of chili, and I got crackers, corn bread, diet coke, whisky and my channel changers... I am ready for the end of days. The weather can just blow me.

I was able to write a column for the Q while home. I wrote on Face Book “For you James Dabakis I finished an article for Lambda Lore on SLC's bath houses...don't say I don't love you.”

 

2 December 2011 Friday

There was no school today and because of the decision to keep schools open yesterday in Davis thirty buses were damaged mostly with windows shattered. I thought we teachers had it rough but it must have been hell for the bus drivers rocking and a rolling in the hurricane winds.  It was the First time they closed school in my 23 years, outside of a snow storm and even then they usually will keep them open. I am convinced that even during the Apocalypse elementary schools will remain open. 

Later in the morning Kyle Foote brought some of his stuff back to the house, mostly totes filled with clothes, and put in the downstairs closet.  He said he had to go seen his probation officer at 2. When I thought about it, I texted him and said I probably should go down with him in case he gets locked up and I would be able to take the truck home.

So I went with Kyle down to the Probation Office on Fremont Street at 2. He was super up tight and snapped at me when I tried to make him smile. So I just sat in the office watching Kyle being grilled by an unhappy probation officer. I could only hear bits and pieces because I was sitting a distance away but could hear the probation officer say that Kyle lied to him and that he violated agreements three times.

It took about 20 minutes and Kyle said that he will have to check in again this Tuesday at 10 in the morning. 

On the way home, all Kyle could talk about was Marty Alder and how he and Marty had talked about a life together and yadda yadda yadda. At home Kyle left rather than stay a bit  to visit with me. I am not a priority for this crocodile.  He said he’d drop by tomorrow but I don’t want his leftovers. 

I spent much of the day putting up Christmas lights and repainting Grandma’s Buddha that was getting rather shabby. There’s Not much to say. It’s very cold out. Too cold out to go outside.

Without everyone here to have to take care of, I actually got to sit and do something creative. I plastered in the cracks and repainted Grandma Johnson's smiling Buddha. She bought the concrete statue in California over 50 years ago and it sat on her back porch in West Texas until she died nearly 20 years ago. I rescued it and brought it home and keep it as a reminder of the quirky side of Grandma that rarely anyone saw.

I wrote to Greg Hardin about Kyle afraid he’s going to jail.

Greg Harden wrote back: “So sad to hear. I don't know what to think anymore. Kyle has detached himself from me a long time ago. Whatever happens, please prepare yourself for the worst. I appreciate all the things you have done for Kyle, but we both know he is not going to change unless he hits the bottom!

Don't you think it is sad that most of his family doesn't want to have a relationship with him? Where are all of his friends, the ones that he spends all of his time with? They are probably oblivious to all of this! If not, Kyle has probably dried up their resources too.

I'm very upset with all the things he has done to you. Yes he did do all the home improvements for you but that doesn't give him carte blanche to all of your resources and emotions too.

Also, Kyle is not the suicidal type. I have been around enough of those people and Kyle is far off the radar map.

I'll still be Kyle's friend, whatever happens to him even though he probably will choose not to contact me. The reason is obvious, I know how Kyle thinks and he knows that I'm on to him.

Try to get into the holiday spirit; a festive diversion is very healthy. Keep me posted, I will keep me in my thoughts and prayers and you too. Hugs!

I responded back to Greg: “I am slowly detaching myself from Kyle. Time and distance just naturally do that and he's put both between us although he's in contact with me now nearly every other day. But I think a lot of that is he's afraid I'll pull the plug on the truck. He owes the courts $1200 and I don't think they are going to let him off this time. I don't have  the money although I could get but why? It’s throwing money down the drain.

He isn’t my lover, he's not my son, and he's barely a friend only when it’s convenient for him. I love Kyle and always will but he doesn't really need me more than an option in his life. It may be unfair to Kyle but because with his incapability to love, maybe I am getting the most he has to give. But my well is nearly dry and I know longer can be his savior.

 

3 December 2011 Saturday

I cleaned house this morning and also went off to school to get some lessons ready for next week.  I worked a couple of hours since we were shut down Friday because of Thursday's wind storm. Frost in on the deck so too cold to work out side but my Saturday house cleaning is all done.

I was paying bills this morning and saw that the American Express still hadn’t been paid $217. I didn’t even know if Kyle had any money, so I texted him and he said it would be helpful if I paid it and then I asked if he could pay half of it and he said he could.

I was pissed in the afternoon when he still didn’t drop by. I am such a low priority so I texted him again and said I guess this means you aren’t coming by.

Kyle Foote wrote saying “I have 216 in my account. It is an auto pay. If you can help out with a hundred then I can pay you back when I get paid by the Hummus people next Friday.” Later he wrote, “I told you yesterday it would be around 2 But if you are in a bad mood I won’t.”

I wrote back, “That’s a shitty thing to say. I just wanted to know if you were still planning on coming over.” He responded, “The way you asked was VERY shitty and you know it. All you had to ask if you had forgotten what was the time I planned to come over. You didn’t need to be a jerk.”

That pissed me off and I said, “You need to apologize to me and bring the truck home today… I am not in the mood for your bull shit either.”

Then Kyle called me because he knew he pushed me too far and we calmed down and he said he was on his way over. Actually after that we spent quite a nice afternoon watching the Sordid Lives series on Instant Watch. How I love sharing the time together. Is that too much to ask of him? Then he was off to visit with the Happy Monkey Hummus people about getting a job through them.

 

4 December 2011 Sunday

I went to church with Chuck Whyte this morning. When I picked him up, I came inside to look at his place and to also give him the hooded terry cloth bath robe I bought him as a house warming gift. I knew he needed one.

After service we stayed for dinner and sat with Greg K. Paiz who said the church’s donations to the Utah AIDS Foundation is over flowing. He also said the church voted not to have church on Christmas morning so there will be a Christmas Eve service.

I came home about 2 expecting this kid to come over who I met on one of the sex lines. He didn’t show up and I only half expected him to anyway so I wasn’t really disappointed.

More disappointed that Kyle didn’t take a few minutes out of his day to call me.  It’s turned bitter cold after that wind storm.

Kyle wrote to Jey M Glusman “Your analysis of the photo you shared on your profile and the information you refer to is offensively wrong! Sagging pants has no connection to homosexual acts in jail. It started because belts are not allowed in jails and inmate’s pants would sag, many inmates upon leaving jail felt comfortable with over-sized clothes and no belt and continued to wear this style. Then the style was adopted and popularized by various hip-hop artists. To allude to the idea that people who sag their pants are simply copying a made up signal system for homosexuality in the prison system is absurd at the very least. If you're going to spread an idea, take the time to research it before you pass along misleading and outright inaccurate information.”

 

5 December 2011 Monday

I went back to work and it was super cold only in the 20’s for most of the day. I Kept thinking about Kyle Foote much of the day.  When I got home, almost immediately there was a pounding on the door and two police officers were on my door step asking if Kyle was home. I said no and they asked if he lived here and I said yes and they wanted to see his room. He had a few of his things in the closet that he brought over just last week but one could tell that the room was mainly vacant.

They asked if he stayed anywhere else and I said he has a boyfriend but don’t know where he lives.  Then they left and minutes after that, Kyle shows up. When I told him what had happened he was just freaking out.  He kept pacing and wouldn’t sit down. Wouldn’t eat.

I just wanted to hold him and protect him but I could tell that he didn’t want any kind of affection from me so I left him alone while he watched more of “Sordid Lives”. I had to leave at 5:30 to go to my Therapist.

I wanted to hold on to Kyle forever. I felt like this might be the last time I ever see him here. He didn’t want to hold me much, so I left.  I cried some at Machiel Klerk’s session because I was so emotionally torn about Kyle.  I came home exhausted and my buttocks and legs really hurting me. I went to bed around 9 at night.

Rick Weber wrote to regarding NAMI-“Hi Kyle, I will be finishing my Monday class tonight, so I may or may not be there. Go ahead and start the group without me, and if it's not too late, I'll join you. Thanks,  Rick.”

I sent Greg Hardin a text about the police coming to the house and he wrote back, “Keep me posted tomorrow (Tuesday) my thought and prayers are with Kyle. Hugs to you for being such a great friend!”

 

6 December 2011 Tuesday

I woke up at 3 in the morning and wrote to Greg Hardin-“Can't sleep. Have these shooting pains in my legs starting in my hips. Trying a heating pad. I believe you can worry yourself sick.

When I came home from work yesterday Kyle's probation officer and another police officer pounded on my door. It startled me to say the least. They wanted to know if Kyle was here and I said no and they asked if he lived here and I said yes and they wanted to see his room. Of course it was empty except for a few totes he had brought over to store last week. You could tell that he wasn't living there.

They asked me if he stays somewhere else. I said he had a boyfriend that he spends some time with. Almost as soon as they left Kyle shows up and I told him what happened. He was freaking out. I had asked Kyle for 2 months to come home or leave stuff in that room but he would have none of it. He knew he was violating probation by not living here.

So he was nearly crying thinking about the reality that he's probably going to jail. He said that he could get 4 years. The whole time I just wanted to hold him but he’s emotionally shut down. I thought here I am holding back tears thinking I might not see him again for a long time and realizing that he doesn't care about me. It was like he had detached himself now that all his deceit had been exposed and there were no more places to hide.

He was like a trapped little boy and it was breaking my heart. 

I had my therapy at 6:00 yesterday so I had to leave at 5:30. Kyle doesn't say two words to me until I said I will see you tomorrow trying to be optimistic. Then when he saw I was leaving he came over and gave me a hug but it was not the hug I needed from someone I loved who was going away.

He goes in at 10 and said he will text me before going in and if I don't hear back from him to come and retrieve the truck.  I don't know what more I can do or what I want to do. Marty is his lover not me.

I know he will want to depend on me if he goes to jail like he did last time but I don't feel like I ought to any more. I gave him a home, entrance back into the Gay community, opportunity to finish school, and more importantly I gave him unconditional love.

Then he betrayed me. Stole $20,000 from me and then emotionally abandoned me.  I told my therapist that I feel guilty because one of the feelings I have about Kyle going to jail is relief. Perhaps I can get out from under the enchantment that I feel for Kyle.”

This morning at 8:30 I wrote to Chuck Whyte saying, “Kyle goes in today to see his probation officer. They came to the house yesterday looking for him. At 10:00 he will know whether he goes to jail. It could be up towards 4 years.”

Kyle wrote me at 10 this morning saying, “I’m on my way in now. The keys to the truck are in the gas tank and my debit card is in the console. If you don’t hear back from me then it is safe to assume I’m in jail. Marty is aware and will be letting Amy, Christine and the hummus people know what happens. I also deactivated my Face book just in case. I love you Ben.”

I immediately wrote back, “I love you with all my heart and thank you for coming into my life.”

Kyle wrote to Ricker Weber of NAMI to  explain why he wouldn’t be facilitating the Monday night group. He said, “Hey Rick, Thanks for the note yesterday, you were missed at group. It was a good group and we had a couple people show up. As for the next few weeks I actually will be unavailable on Monday nights and I need you to take the lead. I'll be gone for 4 to 6 weeks, but I'm confident you can do very well during my absence.  Regards, Kyle.”

So Kyle later called me from the jail phone and said he was arrested. He didn’t say why and I didn’t bother to ask. Did it matter?  He asked if I would go to his University of Utah account and use his Log-In ID to cancel the classes he signed up for and to find him some sociology class he could take on line. His ID number is u0047480 and password John1982.  There I changed his mailing address from PO 520763 SLC 84152 to my home address.  His Debit card number is 7399.  That is all I could do for him.

He called me a second time at 2 in the afternoon but I had to take the phone call out in the hall away from the kids. I think he just wanted to talk to me before they lock him away. 

I sent Michael Romero a text asking if he could help me retrieve the truck but evidently all I sent to him was the cryptic following “36 Fremont Street.” I texted Chuck Whyte at noon and said, “He’s in jail.” Chuck then asked me “what for” and I wrote back- “Don’t know.”

During afternoon recess I texted Charles Frost saying, “Kyle went to jail this morning.”

After work I went out to Fremont Street to retrieve the keys that were left in the truck and then when I took Coco home. There I asked Michael Romero to go with me to bring the truck home which he did.

I haven’t had time to process my feelings. Kyle told me on the phone earlier that Marty and he were up until three in the morning. That is who he wanted to be with but it is I who he depends on.

When I checked my emails I was shocked to see that Marty had unblocked me and sent me a message. Evidently Kyle wrote to Marty Alder at 9:30 this morning with the following in the Subject line “Jail, University of Utah and PO BOX Info” then he wrote  “Marty, You are too good for words, no matter what happens I am grateful to have been with you for the time we've shared and I sincerely hope that we can spend a lot more time together in the future.

Here is a bunch of information that should be helpful during all of this. I'm so sorry to put you through this and to have been a disappointment in this regard. I will do better in the future and take no risks so I can be with you. I love you very much, ~Kyle

“Inmate Lookup Tool: This will help you find me listed in the jail and it will tell you my housing and SO number, the things you will need to write me or to visit me. "http://iml.slsheriff.org/IML" Visitation: Here is the webpage that breaks out the visiting days for each pod and the rules and regulations for when you visit me "http://www.slsheriff.org/metroJail/visitationSchedule.html"

Jail Address:  3415 South 900 West, Salt Lake City Utah 84119 is the physical address for the jail if you come to visit. There's a long ramp on the West side of the jail that you walk up.

Mailing and Emailing: Apparently there is now a way to email inmates, here is a link to the information for both written letters and email. "http://www.slsheriff.org/metroJail/prisonerMail.html"

My Personal PO Box: My Box number is 520763, you can just throw away anything that isn't a check. University of Utah login info: My username is: u0047480 My password is: John1982 (uppercase J) Use the link below to login: "https://gate.acs.utah.edu/" University of Utah Email Login: My username is: u0047480 My password is: John1982 (uppercase J) Use the link below to login: ttps://www.umail.utah.edu/.”

Marty Alder wrote me this evening, “Ben, I need your help. I do not know what to think right now. Do you know of anything that Kyle is intentionally keeping from me? I know about his crimes and everything, but I don't really know how this works and I'm always finding out new information about Kyle that I am surprised I didn't already know.

 Are you going to his hearing? I don't really know how things like this work. I would really appreciate some assistance even though things are generally pretty ugly between us.

I've been in bed all day feeling numb and now I am shaking and crying and I need something to make sense.  Thank you so much,  Marty.”

I wrote him back, “Marty thank you for reaching out to me. I know you are truly hurting. I am too. I have learned over the year and a half I've known Kyle that he compartmentalizes people to keep people from knowing everything.

His sister is the PTA president at my school and we have talked. I am also close friends with the person he lived with before moving in with me.

There is a lot you and I will probably never know. I probably know as much as anyone except the courts. I hope he has told you everything. But I doubt it.

He called me twice today from jail. I can find out where he is being held and find out visiting hours. He was in jail a year ago last November also.

I am sorry things became ugly between us. It never was my intention. I know you only heard Kyle's side. After trusting and loving him so much it nearly drove me crazy that he could steal $20,000 from me to start up Orgy.com.

All my friends wanted me to send him to prison. I couldn't do that to him. We cried together all night long over what to do so I agreed to accept back the charges he charged through the identity theft and thought we would work it out together and almost immediately he emotionally detached himself from me. It nearly drove me crazy and suicidal.

It was never about you Marty. It was how Kyle was pushing me away from his life and making a new life in which I wasn't included.

I hope you will not hold anything against me for acting out in pain and anguish. I wish I could hold you and comfort you now. I know your heart must be breaking. Call me or if that is too weird right now my email is benedgar51@yahoo.com. I know Kyle loves you but I am not sure Kyle loves himself.

 

7 December 2011 Wednesday

Marty Alder wrote me saying “Ben, Thank you so much for your response. Due to the nature of all of this, I am not readily willing to believe all of what I hear. The $20,000 is news to me, although I have had a hunch that there had to be more about you that I wasn't being told. I'm going to be very skeptical of what just about everybody tells me at this point, including Kyle obviously.

However, I hope that reaching out to all of you and combining our knowledge will help make the situation a bit more clear. When it comes down to it, we are all one and none of it really matters. I honestly think it's pretty beautiful that we can all feel and experience things in a way that connects us all. That may sound lame, but it's really what I'm feeling right now.

My emotions have settled a lot since everything has happened, so it has been nice to be able to just sit here and actually think about it. I don't think Kyle loves himself either and hopefully that is something that we can all come together to help him with.

I truly think he has good intentions in his heart and is making attempts to change. However, we've only been dating for four months now and so that may just be my naivety speaking. Even if it's true, it definitely won't be a help. 

Oh, also, I'm not sure if you even know this...but do you know the password to his computer? I feel as though this would be a good tool for me right now...thanks. If you know it and don't feel comfortable telling me, I totally understand. I just think it could be of great assistance.”

I wrote back “I understand your skepticism. I use to believe everything Kyle said. Kyle told me that you knew everything about the $20,000 and that he had told your dad all about it too when he sat down with your dad and told him his history. I can understand why he didn't tell you. He only lets people know what he wants them to know.

Last spring when Kyle and I were building the deck I was so completely trusting of Kyle. I loved him and never thought he could hurt me. He had complete access to my credit cards because we were ordering a lot of stuff on line. I borrowed against my house to pay for all the construction that was getting more and more expensive but Kyle did such a wonderful job.

I paid off all my high interest cards before going to California to bury my mother. When I returned in July I got a notice from Chase Bank whether a charge had been authorized or not. That freaked me and I called Kyle who was out on a date and asked what it was.

I knew that he had used my card when I looked for it and couldn’t find it. He was out with my car instead of the truck, so I looked in the truck and was shocked to find my Chase Card along with an American Express Card in my name. Long story short he ran up $10,000 on the Chase Card and another $10,000 on the American express within one month. He had used my credit history and what he knew about me to open the AMEX without my knowledge.

I was sick to death not only over the debt but that Kyle could do this to me after all that I had done for him with free room and board free use of my truck and more so the love and affection I had for him.

I called the cards and refuted the charges and had a detective friend of mine and his wife come over to be with me when I confronted Kyle. My friend wanted to call his probation officer right then and send Kyle to prison. I was out of my mind and couldn’t think straight. Kyle was crying and pleading with me not to call his probation officer.

I told my friend and his wife to go home that I couldn’t do anything that night. Kyle and I then went down to his bedroom and I held him all night long and we both cried ourselves into exhaustion. He intimated to me that he would commit suicide rather than go back to prison. My heart was just broken over the betrayal.

He wanted to go to church in the morning because he felt he needed to be there and we went to the 1st Baptist and it was the only time Kyle ever let me hold him in my arms in public. After church I came to the realization I could not send Kyle to prison. As we were heading home where my friend was waiting to meet us to call Kyle’s probation officer, I told Kyle that I was not going to send him to prison. He pulled over to the side of the road and burst into soul sobbing tears.

So back at the house I called the credit cards companied and said the refusal was a mistake and I accepted the $20,000 to keep Kyle out of jail. We worked out an agreement that he would make the payments on the cards from Orgy.com which is what he stole the money for in the 1st place.

Now do you see why I was acting crazy around Kyle whenever he was being celebrated as an entrepreneur? I found out later he was telling people that he financed it from selling property he had in Idaho.

I just recently went to get my house refinanced to get out from under the debt that Kyle placed me under. I knew that eventually he would be sent back to jail for parole violation.

I have been going to a therapist because of Kyle. It’s been hard because of all the mixed up emotions I have for him… Even when you grow older, life can get messy.

Even with all that I have been keeping Kyle’s secrets like I need to protect him when I was another one of Kyle’s victims.

I do not know how Kyle will ever be whole. He owes $300,000 in restitution to others and he’s a felon. The only thing he has going for him is loyal friends.

I don't feel like I am betraying Kyle I just think you need to know the truth... so many times I started to message your father but I was afraid it would just come across as jealousy. I was not jealous of you and Kyle (may be a little) but mostly that Kyle was pushing me out of his life when I needed his assurance that he loved me the most.

I was extremely hurt that I was no longer included as family, which I always thought I was to Kyle and I still do. No matter what Kyle may have said about me he still lists me as his emergency contact because he knows I will be there for him. I hope this makes some sense.

I know Kyle has shut down his face book page. He's been running scared ever since he appeared on Judge Joe Brown last June when an old boyfriend sued him.

Marty I know you don't really know me but I have been involved in building a Gay community in Salt Lake City for over 25 years. Integrity is the only currency I've ever dealt with.

I ran many a support group in the 80's and 90's helped start the Gay Community Center, was awarded the Dr. Kristin Ries Award for community service which is given each year at Pride Day. I have been the community archivist and historian for the same amount of years and have written hundreds of articles for Gay newspapers.

I am not saying this to brag but just let you know that my reputation in this community is sterling and whatever I tell you is the truth. Kyle was able to enter into leadership positions in the community through the doors I opened for him especially writing for the Q.

I never told Michael Aaron about Kyle but since the chick fil a debacle he dropped Kyle as a contributor. I am sure Kyle is crushed right now but it’s from the weight of lies he told nothing you or I did.”

Marty replied- “Wow, thank you for opening up so much. I am a bit speechless, but extremely appreciative and sorry for everything that has happened to you. I found out his court date is Friday at 2 at the Matheson court house if that is something you are interested in attending.”

I wrote back, “You can write to Kyle at  Warren Kyle Foote #187422 Salt Lake County Jail  3415 South 900 West  SLC UT 84129 He's in C-Pod and visiting hours are Mon and Sat 9-9 I plan seeing him Saturday and I want to attend the court.

I get out of school at 1:30 on Friday so I might be late. His computer password was Qwerty79 but doubt if it is now. I really don't think you would find anything on it useful. I have a copy of his probation conditions. Greg said that he violated a his probation of not having a checking account and wrote a bad check,,, a 2nd degree felony.

Kyle has asked me to register him for online classes at the U but if the judge throws the book at him he could be locked up for a very long time...perhaps 4 years!”

Marty responded “Thank you. A big part of me thinks that that would be his best possible choice right now anyhow. He would have reading, people would visit him twice a week, it's stable...I kind of hope he gets busted hard for his own sake.”

Greg Hardin wrote me- “I looked at his mug shot, it said it was a 2nd degree felony for issuing a bad check or draft. I didn't know he had a checking account and I hope he did not forge anything. Did he tell you what he did? I'm sure they had to arrest him with something tangible while they investigate and prepare more solid charges for breaking his parole probation and whatever else he did.

I'm sad, it hurts and I know you are probably exhausted worrying about him. Ben, like you told your therapist, jail is the best place for him right now. I'm monitoring the court calendar to find out when he sees the judge. I will keep you posted. Right now he is in the C Pod, his visiting days are Mon and Sat 9:00 AM to 9:00 PM.” 

I wrote back- “Thank you Greg... he had a Wells Fargo's Checking account and a Bank of America. I wonder who he wrote the bad check to? He did not tell me anything except that he was probably going to jail. I can't believe anything Kyle tells me so wouldn’t know whether it was true or not. I just assumed that he was in trouble being behind in restitution. That is what he told me and probably from violating a probation for not living at my place. How do you monitor when his court date is? I would like to be there if at all possible. I'll call you tonight.”

Amy Barry wrote me “Hi Ben-  I thought his bail was already set at $50k? I thought the hearing on Friday was about counsel (heavy sigh). Anyway, that is nice of you to visit him on Saturday. You can tell him that I'll still be around when he gets out and consider him to be worth the friendship. I'm not really sure what to say as I'm experienced in this arena so I hope that is encouraging enough.  Kyle has left nothing over here so there isn't anything to retrieve. Apparently he knew or at least saw it coming.  Thanks Ben and keep in touch.  Amy”

 

8 December 2011 Thursday

I couldn’t sleep so at 2 in the morning I wrote Amy Barry-“Kyle brought a couple of totes over that had clothes in them but I didn't see his pictures that he used to have in the basement or any of his books. He didn't bring over nearly all the clothes he used to either, so I wonder where he stashed those. He had a picture of himself in uniform too. So sad if he loses even what little of things he did have. . I was just hoping to gather all his belongings in one place for him.

Kyle is being held on a charge of passing a bad check and it is a 2nd degree felony. The judge probably is keeping his bail at $50,000 to make sure he is in court so he can reprimand him for violating his probation for the 3rd time.

A year ago November he was arrested for his 2nd violation. I am really concern that the judge will send him to prison this time. It just breaks my heart that someone with his potential has just really destroyed his life and the lives of others.

Amy Barry wrote back, “To my knowledge he had things in storage somewhere. You should ask him where it all is so you can deal with it - if you so choose. I had no idea he was arrested last year for violating his probation! Obviously all this makes me wonder what truth there is in Kyle, which is too bad because I clearly think he has something of value deep down.

Since his original offense wasn't that long ago and he can't seem to go a year without violating the probation I can understand your fear the judge will send him to prison. And here he had a lot going for him right now to screw it up by writing a bad check instead of asking for help just boggles my mind.”

I wrote her back “I was looking at the charges and I know I don't know everything but the bad check may have been from 2007 although he violated his probation by even having a checking account. I think honestly they are going after him because of the Orgy.com business.

Kyle told me that he was storing a bed he took from the house up in your rafters and that he took all the things he had in storage out of a storage unit he had when he moved out. It really doesn't matter. I just was afraid his personal pictures and documents would be lost. 

Amy I don't know if Kyle ever told you that after he built my deck he stole my credit card and opened another one without my knowledge to finance his Orgy.com. He ran up $20,000 on them by the time I found out. I was totally devastated by his betrayal because I loved him so much.

Still I couldn't send him to prison and he said he would make payments which he did some. I let him live with me room and board free while going to college and let him have use of my truck for the farmers market. However by the end of September he was so emotionally distant to me because of his new involvement with Marty I just felt like an old Gay fool and we got in a fight and he moved out.

I never did Kyle any harm nor would I ever but I no longer feel like I should be protecting Kyle from letting people know what he did to me. I feel like at times Kyle portrayed me as the bad guy for making him leave.

I am in the process of refinancing my house now to cover all that credit card debt now that he's in jail and probably will be for a while. I love the boy still for all the good things he did for me and can't hate him for what bad he did to me. In fact I am in therapy now trying to understand and process my little adventure with Kyle. I will always love Kyle but will never trust him completely again. I hope you are well.

Amy Barry replied, “OMG! Ben can I call you and talk about this? I'm totally freaked out now that I was very much lied to and how can I possibly know he didn't steal something from me.”

And so began a very emotional shitty day for me. Kyle’s court appearance was finally posted. He is appearing before Judge Denise Lindberg in the Matheson’s Court House at 2 p.m. on the 4th Floor W48. He was arrested on a bench warrant for a 2nd degree felony for passing a bad check. His attorney is Patrick Corum. 

I just spent much of the morning trying to figure out where the rest of Kyle’s stuff is before going to my Doctor Appointment at 10:30.

 I texted Charles Frost while waiting- “I am sitting in the doctors waiting for a checkup. Nothing major. Just checking on the leg that was hit by a lacrosse ball 2 weeks ago…everything is fine. I talked to Amy Barry who Kyle was staying with and she said that he didn’t leave anything there but like Marty she knew nothing about what Kyle did to me. Now she is freaked. Kyle goes before a judge at 2 tomorrow. Sounds like Judge Brown all over again but I doubt whether this judge will shout a song about Kyle this time. I am going to try and be there.”

Things went well with Dr. Stoneburner. I had lost 8 pounds and my blood sugars was at 7 and everything else was good. He said that the hematoma on my leg from the Lacrosse ball is what is causing the draining of blood. He thought the pain in my legs may be from a pinched nerve. Ugh. 

After the doctors, Amy Barry texted me saying “Ben I feel the strong need to talk to you in person. Could I come by your house this afternoon?”  I replied certainly and she came over about 12:20 and we visited for nearly three hours. She wanted to know everything I knew about Kyle and after rehashing all that conspired between us she was truly freaked.

She said she had all the locks on her house changed because Kyle had keys and she changed all her accounts. She was irate and said if Kyle did anything to compromise the Farmer’s Market or her personally she would make sure he went to prison.

She said as it is, she can’t find an American Express card of hers. She also contacted the Happy Monkey Hummus people and they were shocked too,  since Kyle had been so trusted and actually had access to their house and cars. They told Amy that a check book is missing.

I asked Amy what Kyle had told her why he moved out. She said that Kyle said I was acting out sexually inappropriately with him and that I was projecting my issues on to him.  She agreed to take Kyle in for about a month but it wasn’t to be a long time thing and she never had him pay $150 a month like he told me. And the bed he took is not stored in her garage but rather Amy thinks it was sold on KSL.com

One of the most concerns Amy had was for Marty Alder after I told her all about the bare backing and Orgies Kyle had had before dating Marty. She said she was going to get a hold of Marty’s mom and have her be with Marty when she tells him. I told her I appreciated her doing it rather it coming from me. 

So that was an emotional conversation but then later Marty calls me and wants to know all about Kyle’s sexual history. I told him this will really hurt but the truth does heal. So I told him about Zach Seach and Michael Ferguson and some others I knew off the top of my head and we cried and cried over the phone.  I guess what connects us now is our love and betrayal.

After getting off the phone with Marty I texted Charles Frost “I am an emotional wreck right now but will get better. Amy Barry came over for much of the afternoon and I just got off the phone with Marty who wanted to know the names of Kyle’s sex partners because he is worried about his health.”  Charles wrote back “I’m sorry. They’re all coming to you because they know you’re a truth teller.”

These are some of the other messages I sent and received throughout the day.

I wrote Marty “do you know where any of Kyle's things may be? He brought some totes over before his arrest but said he was going to bring his books and stuff and never did. I talked to Amy and she said he didn't leave anything over there although he had told me that he moved everything out of the storage unit he rented and brought it to her place. I hate to see him lose more of his stuff. He had wall pictures and a picture of him in uniform at the house. I am assuming he left his computer with you. I don't know where his phone I bought him ended up. I would like to store all his stuff here at the house but who knows where it all ended up. For someone so materialistic things really didn't seem to have much value for Kyle. May be I might see you at the court hearing Friday. Hope you are doing better- Ben”

Marty responded, “Hey Ben He has stuff stored at my place and I'm pretty positive his phone was confiscated by the jail which I'm assuming they would give back once he is out. I would kind of like to keep it here because I don't want him to think that he is rid of me and all is well. I want him to have to converse with me so that we can be cordial and we can figure our shit out so to speak. I hope that makes sense.

I couldn't find his court date through the jail. They told me to call the court and so that's how I found out. I really do appreciate everything you've told me to help me through this. Thank you again.

I do have one thing to say though and I mean absolutely no harm by it. It is just what's on my mind and I've got to say it. From the stories you've told me, I've gathered that you've been somewhat of an enabler for Kyle's behavior. I understand that because you love him and to do anything that would hurt him would crush you.

 But you've let him do all of these awful things to you and then you've just cried it out with him instead of doing what I think is the right thing and turning him in. If he is ever going to get better, he is going to have to learn that he can't keep hurting the people he loves and getting away with it.

I think it is still important that you are there for him during this time, but if you give him too much he is only going to cheat, lie, and steal from you again. That is so unfair to you and it simply cannot happen anymore.

I really hope he stays in jail for at least six months to a year because if he just gets out on probation again he will continue to do the same things he has been doing his whole life. In his mind that is all there is and it's going to take some extreme restructuring for him to get out of that habit.

I feel so awful about both you and him because both of you have done so much hurting. It is neither worth it nor healthy for either of you to have to go through such traumatic emotional bullshit. It really just can't happen anymore.  I hope this doesn't sound like a stab at you, because I really care for you and am feeling for you right now. The last thing I would want to do is make you feel worse.

You just have to remember that you as an individual has to stay #1 in your book and to compromise yourself for what seems to be for somebody else's benefit isn't fair to either of you.

I hope to see you on Friday. I would like to give you a hug and support you through this as much as I can. It has been extremely difficult for me and will continue to be, but I think you have it worse because you have had much more time to build the relationship you have with Kyle

I think you and I have similar personalities in that we are very emotionally driven and we can get pushed around. The only way we will ever grow and be the strongest "us" we can be is by standing up for ourselves and being exactly who we know we are. –Marty.”

I responded, “I know you are right in many ways but when you have suffered as many losses in life of the people you love through AIDS, suicide and even murder as I have over the years, even at my age, I am too young to have had so many losses. Hopefully your generation will never experience this. Letting go of people you love and who say they love you is not easy. I am working through this through a Jungian therapist I discovered and am trying to figure out what was the connection that brought Kyle into my life. I didn't seek him out and yet there he was and so was his nephew and sister and the pastor of the church I attend.

It was more than Kyle needing me and I needing Kyle, what people fail to understand about Kyle and I is that he brought as much joy into my life as he has pain. It is something I can't explain. There's few people in my life that I have felt so deeply connected with than Kyle. Why I have no clue except that he brought joy into my life.

 I know Kyle needs to pay a penalty for what he has done to the people who love him. Karma will rule in the end. And I really hate that he was not more careful with your tenderness. He loved you and was afraid of losing you because Kyle is more cynical than me.

I just never wanted to be the one to ever harm Kyle... I am not trying to play a victim but I have to forgive Kyle to move forward no matter what the court system does. I believe the greatest sin is to hate someone you once loved and while I don't love what he has done, I love him for the child within that hurts.

I had a mother who loved me unconditionally. You have a mother who loves you unconditionally. Kyle never had that in his life.

Each person must do what their light guides them to do. Loving Kyle does not mean that I hate myself. If anything I feel as I am a stronger person because I can. When my life is over it won't matter what I owned or what I did but to me it will matter who I loved.  That's all I am taking with me.

My love for Kyle, Billy, and John are sealed in a special place in my heart and always will. I know many will judge me for my feelings for Kyle after all he has put me and others through but my heart is my heart.”

Marty wrote, “That makes complete sense Ben and I have a lot of respect for your hearts wishes. I think that is very noble of you. However, I think all the joy he brought to your life was fabricated. I think that the person that you love so unconditionally is a figment of Kyle's imagination. It's not actually him.

He persuades people and gets them in the exact place he needs them in order to take advantage of them. I've never been happier than every second I was with Kyle. We would spend 72 consecutive hours together and all I wanted was to be with him more and more. I am so in love with that person, but it's just somebody he made up.

It was four months of pure lies and my love was invested into those lies. That is my take on the situation, but maybe you feel differently. Either way you are correct. Your heart is your heart and you know what you need to do.

I contacted Zach and Michael and am just waiting to hear back. I would still appreciate it if you could tell me more about my possible sexual history that I don't yet know about. Thank you so much for everything. I am going to be here for you through this and intend to keep in contact with you. I think it would be good for both of us.”

Amy Barry wrote, “Ben. well that concludes a pretty shitty day all around. thank you for taking all that time to talk with me and to talk to Marty. i will never forgive Kyle for putting me in that situation where I basically had to crush his heart and then i had to find his last boyfriend and tell him too. God dammit I'm pissed as hell! I swear on all things pure and holy Kyle better hope there is not one financial hair out of place of mine or the markets because I just need one reason to nail him to the wall.

Ben I don't want you thinking there is anything to support in Kyle. That jackass has put a young 20 yr old in a position where he could have HIV and that is unforgivable and not redeemable in any way. He's also taken everything good you gave him and threw it back in your face. 

Okay rant over (for now) and you can tell I really am blunt when I'm on a roll. I forgot to ask you about Christine. what is her story? How long has she really known him and do i need to tell her to check her credit? Amy.”

 

9 December 2011 Friday

I left school immediately at 1:30 so I could be at the court house by 2. I don’t know why I bothered because Kyle Foote wasn’t brought in until 4 as the very last case. It was just awful sitting there waiting.

I was surprised by Greg Hardin’s appearance but we sat together and he explained a lot. He was worried when he couldn’t see Kyle’s attorney. When Kyle was finally brought in with handcuffs in a pink prison jumpsuit it nearly broke my heart. We were the only ones still in court so he saw Greg and I.

I guess it was just a bench warrant hearing and they scheduled his preliminary hearing for next Friday. I drove Greg home to Cottonwood and then came to my home to start calling people.

I talked to Marty Alder and he has a key to Kyle’s PO Box and he has been picking up his mail. Amy said that Kyle forged $4700 from Dave and Erin's check book to show that he had check stubs and was employed by them but he wasn't No money was actually missing. I asked Greg Harden “Wasn't the same crap he pulled with that Green Jockey company?”

I wrote Amy Barry- ‘Kyle always referred to Christine as his very best friend. It made me a little jealous after all I was doing for Kyle but I knew they had a special connection. Christine only came to the house twice. Once to sleep over on Kyle's 31st birthday when he was so drunk and then at the Deck party last June.

She has two boys she is raising and Kyle truly loves her and I don't think Kyle would gain anything from hurting her. She never accepted my Face Book friend request so I am not sure if Kyle told her lies about me too.

Her name is Christine Johanson I believe. Kyle got a lot of ego stroking for hosting dinner parties with her.  She is a nice person. Funny I was thinking last night how Kyle had to tell lies about me to make me look bad and all I had to do is tell the truth about him. This thought wounds my soul.”

Amy wrote- “I have written her a long note and she can do with it what she pleases. I doubt Kyle truly loves anyone so don't believe he is capable of it. Remember my uncle who so loves his mother.... Don't let your soul be wounded. You don't have to suffer in silence so don't and take this cleansing opportunity to regain your power and confidence. Kyle victimized you and broke you down, but you don't have to continue to give him power over your life and happiness (God knows he doesn't deserve it).  We'll be in touch.”

Christine Johanson reached out to me and wrote, “ Ben, I haven't talked to you in a while. I just got a message from Amy Barry regarding Kyle's recent arrest. She had said some things, in that message, about what Kyle has been doing to you and to others. This includes not only large amounts of money from you and others, but also sexual assaults. I have to ask; is it true?”

My response to her was- ‘Christine I tried so hard to protect Kyle because I am sure the only one who loves him more than I is you. Last July Kyle stole my Chase Credit Card and fraudulently opened a card in my name for American Express. He used my information that he had from ordering things on line for building the deck. I had previously paid off the Chase card and I was shocked to find that I had $9,000 charged to it. I found my card and the American Express Card in my truck that I always let Kyle use.  There was $17,000 on both cards and later he added another $3000 without my permission.

I was devastated that Kyle could betray me like this. He begged me not to send him to prison. He broke down like a little boy. I couldn't do it Christine. I couldn't send him to prison. We agreed to work something out. He had used all that money to create his Orgy.com site which he was telling everyone he had financed from property in Idaho.

 Kyle then started distancing himself from me when I needed his assurance the most. He met Marty and told Marty that I was a sexual predator and was trying to steal 'his" truck and that is why he had to move out in October.

He and Marty blocked me on FB which just about killed me and yet Kyle would still come over and hang out at the house and use my truck which I guess everyone thought was his.

I entered therapy over Kyle and refinanced my house to cover the $20,000 because I knew Kyle would not really be able to pay it with the $300,000 he owes on the other felonies.

In November his probation officer was cracking down on him and like a fool I gave Kyle another $650 to help him get caught up on his restitution. I didn't know that he was passing bad checks at this time.

He was arrested December 6th. His court date is today at 2. I am going to be there. I love the boy.  A detective friend of mine ran a check on Kyle because he was worried about me and he said he saw some sexual assault arrest records and some juvenile sealed records. He is going to bring them to me.

What most concerns me is that I found out that Kyle would host orgies at Motel 6 and he often had unprotected sex as he did with Marty. Marty is only 22 and Kyle was his first love and did not know anything about Kyle's criminal and sexual past so he is devastated.

I probably know more about Kyle than anyone and he's done some really unconscious able stuff. I can hate what he has done to people who love him but I still love the boy inside him that is broken and scared. I am sorry to be the one to tell you this. I am tired of keeping Kyle's secrets when they just hurt people.

 

10 December 2011 Saturday

Kyle wounded my heart so intensely this morning. I don’t know how to recover.  I wrote Randy Giles at 6:30 this morning after he asked about Kyle’s court hearing, “They would not reduce his bail. He was the last one so I sat for over 2 hours waiting. He was charged with forgery of a check. His prelim hearing is next week. Found out that he stole a check book from the Happy Monkey Humus people to make it look like he was working for them although he didn’t take any money from their account. He had to show his Probation Officer he was employed for the Atty. General office. It back fired and now he is screwed. So much more to tell but I am exhausted. I am going to see him this morning in jail. Luv Ben”

I had also a message from Amy Barry-  She wrote: “Ben- Be strong today. Remember there is no truth in anything that Kyle says because he believes only in himself. Show him you are no longer a willing victim. Feel free to tell him we’ve had a very long talk, I don’t care. I’m here for you to call if you need to – you have my cell #.

I’ve done more research on sociopaths. I realized last night why he enjoyed the farmers market so much and perhaps why he did a good job for us. It put him in charge of a small group of people, gave him power over them and that fed his narcissism. He would tell me of altercations and things he would have said to people and I understand now he wasn’t telling me to keep me informed he was bragging. There’s a lot I will unravel about his behavior for a while.”

I had a restless night and spent time just getting myself together to head down to the County jail to see Kyle. I thought that it would make his incarceration easier to know that people still loved him and supported him.

It was a very cold, dreary, hazy day. It was hard trying to find where the visiting facility was because I had never been there before.  Finally I managed to locate it and walked the long ramp leading up to the building.

Inside I had to show my ID and say who I was there to see. There were so many other unhappy people also waiting.  I was there about 8:20 but wasn’t able to be called back to see him until 9:30.

I put $30 onto his account while waiting and waiting. At 9:00 they had us put everything into a locker and then went to a metal detector where then we went into another room and waited and waited.

Finally they called us in and we walked down this very long corridor to this central room where it split off into the different meeting areas. Kyle was in C-3 and I was the only one there who went into it.  I was so glad to see Kyle although it was surreal (am going to use that word a lot) to see him in his dark pink jump suit sitting behind the glass.

The first thing he asked me was why I was looking so sad in court yesterday. He said it isn’t you who is going to jail. I thought that was such an odd response but I said that it is natural to be upset to see someone you love in so much trouble. 

Then he said words to me that stunned me and made me so stupefied that I can hardly remember the rest of our visit. He said that they only let a prisoner have one visit a day and that he had a nightmare that I would show up before Marty Alder.

I am still sick just writing these words.  I said Marty and I didn’t know. He was expecting and wanting to see Marty not me. He said that he thought it was best we don’t have anything to do with each other anymore. He said that when he is released on an ankle monitor he was going to stay with Amy not me.

I then told him I didn’t think that was going to happen. He was shocked then. I explained that Amy knows what he did and she has changed the locks on her house and notified Erin and Dave Atwater who say they have a check book missing. I could see his mind whirling trying to process this information.

He said he didn’t steal any checks and then went on to tell me that last December when he was out on probation he lied to me about being able to attend school and work part time. His probation was that he had to have a full time job. He said the Happy Monkey Humus people agreed to say he was employed by them even though he wouldn’t be earning anything. He never worked for them although he told me he was.

  So all last year he was falling behind on his restitution and it was this past two months that things were coming to a head when his probation officer was demanding proof of his employment.  Kyle then made up payroll stubs off his printer and pawned them off as proof. And that he forged some papers saying the Attorney General Office had signed off on his restitution is why he said he was arrested and charged with forgery.

He told me this, I know, so that I would tell Amy in fact he told me to tell her. I was just half listening because I was still reeling over what Kyle initially said to me  about having a nightmare I would show up before Marty.

Then he blamed me for separating him from Curtis Price, and Charles Frost, and his sister saying that I tried to drive a wedge between him and other people. I said that they asked me about him and he countered that I didn’t have to tell them anything and I replied I was tired of keeping his secrets.

I told him I never lied about him like he did me. I told him I know he said I tried to steal my own truck and that he told people that I tried to molest him and then he went off on me.

He then was almost screaming that he was not going to let me not own what I did to him. He said I was pounding my fist on the bedroom door to get at him. I couldn’t have been more shocked to hear how he had worked all this up in his mind. I had become the villain.

Everything was my fault and as he was still going off on me they announced the time was up and I just fled, no good bye no looking back, I felt like I was going to sick. I pressed the buzzer to leave and the door wouldn’t unlock, everyone else was leaving and I felt trapped, that I couldn’t get away. I even pounded on the door, and finally I just held the buzzer down for the entire time and the door clicked and I could escape. I was desperate to get as far away from Kyle as I could.

But since the cruiser was on empty, I stopped at the Maverick on 9^th West and 35^th South and there I immediately I get a call from Marty crying saying they wouldn’t let him in to see Kyle. He had come all the way down too and was there at 9 probably just as I had left the holding area.

He was crying and I said I know they only would let a prisoner have only one visitor and I said Kyle wanted to see you not me. And then I said I am done I am done with Kyle that I can’t do this anymore.

I told him what he said about me being there was a nightmare come true. I was hysterical. I still am. I felt myself turn into an old man, as we were crying over the phone. I said I have to turn everything into his probation officer and I will never go see him again and I need to have everything of his out of the house.

Marty was crying with me. He said he would take everything so when Kyle gets out he can tell him to take his shit and get out of his life. I said to do it with as much dramatic flair as you can muster. It is good practice for the assholes who will come into your life over the years. 

After composing myself and hanging up Amy called and I told her how the visit went and how Kyle wounded me beyond redemption. She said he probably did me a favor which is true. She asked if I would tell Michael Aaron so she wouldn’t have to and I said I would.

So I called Michael to see if I could come over and pick up the ticket’s to Charles Frost show tonight and I said I needed to talk to him. There I laid it all out and Michael said he is so sorry he didn’t warn me earlier because he had known of Kyle’s past.

One of his victim was the woman Susan Sawatzki who was an acquaintance of Michael’s. He also said that Kyle, several years ago, had approached Michael in investing in a winery he said he own in California. May be this was part of the $10,000 worth of wine Kyle said he once had. I also think this is how he bilked Dan Fahndrich out his $20,000 investing in a nonexistent vineyard.

Any way Michael, like me, thought Kyle was trying to better himself so he never said anything. Michael said he feels like Kyle is also preying on the Gay community. He also said he saw Kyle on Craig’s List many time and later sent me pictures he had of Kyle from Craig’s list but none of them were of him in the nude. 

Again I am the only Gay person in Utah that hasn’t seen his prick. Michael told me not to feel like a fool because so many others have been in the same situation because we want to believe the best of people we love. 

It was nearly 2:30 in the afternoon before I finally got home and I was emotional wiped out but thought going out would do me good. It didn’t. I need to trust my instincts better.  Just like seeing Kathy Griffin last September on the day Kyle moved out, I was too emotionally unstable to focus on anything but I had promised Chuck Whyte I would pick him up.

I had a long conversation with Marty Alder about how Kyle tore out the piece of my heart and that I had loved him. I said, “I didn’t know how soon it would happen after writing you earlier about him being part of my ‘heart family’ that it would happen. Maybe that is, in a cruel way, the greatest thing Kyle could give me... tearing apart my heart so I can get over him. I hope you can resolve your involvement with Kyle and in a less painful way. Much love and happiness Ben.”

He wrote back later, “I think that was the best thing he could give you. A part of me wants him to tell me that it was all fake and that he doesn’t love me. Although, I know he won’t. He will keep that damaged piece of heart of yours, but I will make sure that the rest stays intact and thriving. I see us being very good friends for a very long time. And how beautiful is that? What a gorgeous disaster this may be. I am sending you all of my love and compassion. You deserve every last drop of it. Your heart is so beautiful.””

I then also wrote Greg Hardin- “I went to the jail to see Kyle this morning and I put $30 on to his account. He was not happy to see me. He said to me that he could only have one visit per day. I didn’t know that, neither did Marty. He looked at me and said, “I had a nightmare that you would show up before Marty.” Greg he couldn’t have stuck a knife in my heart and hurt me more and because of other horrible things he said to me I was numb like shell shocked. He doesn’t love me. He blames me for telling people. He accused me again of having molested him. It was more than I could take. I literal ran to get away. I am done with Kyle. You can do what you will but I cannot anymore. I feel shattered.”

Greg responded, “Wow that is astonishing for Kyle to treat you like that after everything you have done for him. First of all, how did Kyle know that Marty was going to visit him today, is Marty receiving Kyle’s calls? I can see how Kyle is detaching himself from you and turn it around and make you look like the bad guy. Kyle is incapable of love. If Kyle only wants Marty to visit him, that will save me a trip to the jail. I’ll occasionally write him but I will not facilitate any favorite treatment from the jail staff. I hope you enjoy Dottie’s show tonight. Hugs!”

I had to tell Amy Barry what Kyle said to me and I wrote back to Amy from this morning- I said, “Amy thank you for looking out for me. Kyle has left me numb and vulnerable but I am done. I refuse to be hurt anymore by him. I went by Michael Aarons and he told me boat load of stuff about Kyle but, like me. He thought he was trying to get his life together. Michael discovered that Kyle sold Orgy.Com on December 5^th right before he was arrested. Don’t know any more than that. It appears he was trying to cover his tracks.  I went to his Wells Fargo ATM and used his card. It shows $260 in the red. I printed out his last 10 transaction. I will be putting all that in an envelope to give to his probation officer.”

Amy wrote, “Fucking hell! That is really all I can say about what he’s done. I can’t believe he get that sold one day before his arrest. I have scheduled an emergency farmer’s market board meeting tomorrow afternoon. I will call you when we’re done and arrange a time to come out and meet with you.

We really need to change your locks in anticipation of Kyle possibly getting out just so you can start fresh. Maybe we’ll head over to Sutherlands or something. Thank you for telling Michael about things – one less thing i have to do.

We all wanted to believe he was trying to put his life together and I just can’t imagine there is more to hear, but I guess I won’t be surprised by anything. The most important part is that you now see there is no future in caring for Kyle and can start the hard work to rebuild your life. Therapy will help with all that. For me, I’m working to protect the market and fulfill what I feel is my moral responsibility to inform others and then i can be done with him and move on too.”

Michael Aaron had given Chuck Whyte and me over $200 worth of comp tickets for a VIP reception before the show. I really was in no shape to drive and only angels watching over me kept me from having an accident. In fact I was on 72^nd West and I 80 before I realized I was going in the wrong direction!

So turned around and got on I 215 and then I 15 and headed north. We were about 20 minutes late but it really didn’t matter. It was a stand- up and mingle cheese and wine affair for people who could afford the $100 tickets that was a fundraiser for Ogden Outreach.

Charles Frost as Dottie Dixon had so much on her plate that I didn’t dare even go into what had happened to me earlier. I met Bill Allred and I introduced Chuck and me as representing the Q. He then asked what I write and I said the Lambda column and we visited for a while. He even said that he would like to do a podcast show with me and take me to dinner.

But while that was heartening I still looked around and thought if Kyle wasn’t in jail he would have been here hobnobbing.

Anyway the “Hilarious Holiday Hullabaloo” featuring Sister Dottie S Dixon began at 8  this evening and we were seated at table 12 just below the run way and we couldn’t have had better seats and actually we were the only ones there because the table was reserved for the Q. 

The show was wonderful but I couldn’t concentrate. I just at times wanted to cry. I felt like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  The show was over at 10 and I managed to get Chuck and I safely home and I check the mail box and there is a letter from Kyle!

It was dated 12/7/2011 and he wrote, “Dear Ben, Being in jail is a very centering experience. I wonder how the world would be if every now and then everyone was stolen away from their family and loved ones and placed in isolation from all that they know. It would certainly allow people to remember the people and things in life that really matter. So I suppose I should be grateful for this “opportunity” to reflect on that which matters to me. Things like you and the dogs, my friends, and freedom in general.

 One other school related item that I need your help with is my classes that I’m missing and will fail. I need you to email those professors a requests an “Incomplete” or “I” for the semester. This way I can simply make up the work I missed when I am released. You should email them as you on my behalf and let them know I’ve been jailed and will therefore be unable to attend any classes or take exams.

The 4 classes are MATH 950, BIOL, Strength and Toning are aerobics. You do not need to worry about my philosophy class or my jogging/walking class. You can find the professors names and emails by going to SLCC.edu and logging into “my page”. My user name is “wfoote” and my password is “bill1979”.

If they request proof of my incarceration you can send them a link to the jail’s web site where they can look me up. Also while you’re logged in my SLCC account can you change my mailing address back to your house? Thank you Ben. I’ll write again when I have more paper and pencil to do so. I’m very glad to have you in my life. Love Kyle.”

I read his letter thinking he didn’t say one word that wasn’t planned. He just wants to use me further as someone on the outside. It costs him nothing to say “love”.   I also saw that I had another response from his friend Christine Johanson so I had to respond to her before going to bed.

Christine Johanson wrote: “Ben, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I’m sorry that all of us have to go through this. I’m still confused as to what is going on. I’ve heard things from everyone, but in my head it still just doesn’t make sense. I guess it will take some time to process. I did want to ask a few things.

The first is, how did everything end up turning out at court? I’d like to know what is really going on. And have you been to visit Kyle? If so, how is he?

The second is really hard for me to ask you. I really don’t want to think anything terribly bad of Kyle, but I have to know. What kind of sexual assault was he charged with?

Ben, I have two little boys, and Kyle has babysat both of them for me at times. The reason I am asking is because Amy specifically told me that I should know his history includes sexual assault BECAUSE I have two little children. That scares me more than anything anyone else has told me. And I need to know what the answer to that question is. I’m sorry I have to ask that, but I HAVE to ask that. Much love to you!”

I responded “As I write to you I just finished reading a letter Kyle wrote me from jail. To answer your question I attended his hearing on Friday. He was charged with check forgery a 2^nd degree felony. The judge would not reduce his bail.

Yes I went to see him jail this morning. Kyle said some really ugly things to me that shattered any love and affection I had for him and I did love him and even made him my beneficiary.

Kyle has told so many lies to so many people that it’s like we aren’t even talking about the same person. I think of the boy who built me a deck. And the tender feelings I believed he had for me. It’s hard to let all that go.

He had lied all year about his probation. When he got out of jail a year ago this very day he told me that he only had to work part time and had permission to be in school. That was a lie. His probation was that he had to be employed full time so all year he was falling behind on his restitution. Part of the money he stole from me went to pay catch up on his restitution.

Finally the probation officer said he had to get current with his restitution and his PO payments and show proof of full time employment. He lied to me to give him an additional $650 to pay off his PO but he still was $1200 in arrears on his restitution.

He tried to get the Happy Monkey Humus people to lie for him and say he was working for them full time but they wouldn’t. He began printing bogus pay stubs to show employment. He was caught and arrested.

The Humus people say a check book is missing. Kyle denies taking any from them although he had full access to their house while they were gone over Thanksgiving.

I just found out today that Kyle sold Orgy.com on December 5^th the day before he was arrested. He told so many different stories to Marty, Amy, the humus people and me that we are all in shock. Amy and the humus people are angry, while Marty and I are devastated.

Marty has to be tested for STDs and AIDS because now he knows that Kyle was very promiscuous and never used condoms.

As for the sexual assaults I have not actually seen any record of that although my detective friend will soon be bringing me Kyle’s criminal file. I know that he has two juvenile cases against him that are sealed because he was a minor.

Greg Hardin, his old roommate, said that Kyle told him once that his parents moved from Syracuse to Taylorsville because Kyle, who was a teen himself, had been sodomizing 14 year olds and they were ashamed to stay in the same ward where this happened. I can’t verify this. I can verify that he slept with a 15 year old when he was 21. I know the individual.

I don’t believe that Kyle is a pedophile. He always talked so highly of your boys and he wants to have kids himself but that will never happen because of his felonies.

Amy believes Kyle is sociopathic and after what he said to me today I believe it. It kills my soul but I have to believe it.

I can’t believe Kyle is devious but I do believe he is lacking a moral conscience that keeps him from recognizing the harm he inflicts on people who trusted him and love him. 

Honest to God Christine the money he stole from me is meaningless to me compared to the betrayal and complete trust I had in him. I wanted to adopt Kyle.

I know you love Kyle and I don’t want to take that away from Kyle even though he believes I am just trying to drive a wedge between him and the people that love him. He doesn’t care about the mental anguish I have been through carrying his secrets.

 Yesterday I sat for 2 and half hours just to see Kyle and know he had support and he was not alone. Today I sat for hour and a half before being let in to see him.

Neither Marty nor I knew that he could only have one visitor a day. Marty was going to see him after I did. When I went to see him he acted disappointed and finally he said to me “I had a nightmare that you would come see me before Marty.” Kyle might as well put an ice pick in my heart.

Then I will spare the details but at the end he was yelling at me still accusing me of having sexual molested him...it was surreal it was like he was beating a bruise on my heart. I couldn’t take it any longer and ran as fast as I could to get away.

Kyle is now blaming me for all his troubles. I have no more to give Christine. My heart is shattered and I just can’t keep on hurting. I want nothing more to do with him.

In this letter he is still asking for my help about school. I can’t do it I just can’t. I can’t do anything more for Kyle. Love shouldn’t hurt this much. I hope this answers some of your questions. All I can say is did any of us know the real Kyle or only what he wanted us to know. I know now that Kyle doesn’t love and probably now hates me. I feel like I became an old man today.”

 

11 December 2011 Sunday

I cried off and on all day. But it will get better. I wrote Charles Frost at 9:30 this morning, after he inquired if I was well. I replied, “In body but not spirit. Oh Charles, I am such a fool. I am so heartsick over if anything happens to Marty Alder because I didn’t turn Kyle Foote in last July. I can hardly breathe choking back my tears. Yesterday was one of the most painful days of my long life.  I am so sorry to have drag you and Doug into this sordid mess. You are too good of people. I want to say I am sad but I am not fine. I just want you to know I love you and I think you are brilliant and one of the kindest person I have ever known.”

I then wrote Martin Alder, “Marty I feel like I’ve harmed you the most, because I was a weakling. If I would have turned Kyle in last July he would never have come into your life. I am so sorry to you and your sweet mother. I have done you an egregious wrong due to misguided love and affection for a broken boy. I am so remorseful and ashamed. Please forgive me someday.

Marty responded back, “You can’t place the blame on yourself. I do wish I would have known more sooner, but Kyle put us in a position where contact would have been futile. It’s funny though, there were so many times I brought you up and felt sincerely saddened by what we’re going through. I told Kyle multiple times that I wanted to speak with you and bury the hatchet.

He always told me it was a bad idea and discouraged me so I never did it. Nobody is to blame in this except Kyle. Even the placing blame is just no good. Everyone was in the right place at the right time for all of this to occur. It takes an endless amount of different little, tiny events in order to lead up to one happening. To place blame on just a few of those events doesn’t make any sense.

You have my full hearted forgiveness and I feel a great deal of love for you. With such quick betrayal and lack of love, the only way to balance with the opposite which is quick love and support. Without Kyle’s wrong doings, we never would have known each other and such an intense sprouting of sharing emotions never would have been possible between us. I have no regrets.

I wrote back, “That’s because our emotions are overflowing and we are both Aries. I love you. I tried to get Kyle to let us talk but Kyle said you hated me. Did you get Kyle’s letter? I got mine? I also sent you in an email of documents  on stuff I was able to find on him. Talk about love being blind. I need to have you over for dinner soon. I can cook veggie or vegan. Hope you are holding up. Take care of yourself first. Someday bring some friends over and sit in the hot tub.”

Later I wrote him again saying, “Amy came over for about two hours to talk. I did give her all the documents I have on Kyle and I packed all his stuff up to put out in the garage. Hope you are studying hard.” He responded, “Oh yay! I’m glad. I’m sure she will take it to his parole officer with great haste. That is awesome that you got all of his stuff packed up. Did he have much still at your place? I just want a judgment on whether or not I can fit it all at my place. I have been writing the same research paper ALL DAY about Gay parenting. It is interesting, but a nightmare. Ha-ha I want to get off of the computer.’

I said, “I know it was stupid of me but I went ahead and contacted Kyle’s professors as Kyle asked me to do. I am sure it will be the last thing he ever asks for me to do for him again. Now I feel nothing is left undone. Finished.”

Marty replied, “Ha-ha I’m not concerned about it. I’m just glad I don’t have to do it. Lol Does he have quite a bit of stuff at your place still?” and I said, “Mostly clothes and all in totes. If you don’t want to deal with them it is really just as easy to store them in the garage. Do you have a lot?”

Marty answered, “Ok sweet. That sounds easy. I can’t believe how much clothing this boy has! He has a ton of clothes over here and two full storage units. They are tiny storage units, but still, I have quite a bit. I think it was his way of keeping me in his grasp...if I had most of his stuff I would be trapped.”

Ben said, “Perhaps so...if you really don’t want it, let’s bag it all up and throw it in my storage unit and let the mice have at it. Better yet do what Kyle did best; put it all on KSL.com LOL”

Marty laughed, “Ha-ha I didn’t know he sold anything on there. We will figure it out. But no matter what happens, I don’t think either of us should ever be alone with him. Should we make a pact?”

I agreed saying, “yes because he would absolutely hate that...he told me at the jail that he did not want to see you and me together as visitors. That would freak him wouldn’t it LOL.”

Marty responded, “Yes! We are both sides of the story. It’s perfect. Once he’s out he’s going to have to deal with us. Together. It will be brilliant.”

I said, “I would pity him but the 13 steps says not to LOL.” Marty replied, “I know. When I read that I almost screamed. It rung so true in my mind. I think those 13 steps will save my life.”  I said, “Amy Barry sent them to me.” Marty continued; “Cute She is a saint. We can love ourselves more than we love him. It’s easy. He sucks.” And I said “And not in a good way Hahahaha. Good night sweet prince and good luck with your studies tomorrow. Will talk soon.”

Marty added, “I would love to have dinner with you I received one of Kyle’s letters. It didn’t affect me like I thought it would. I was very proud of myself. It helped that it was full of lies. That’s one great thing about Kyle, you never need to trust him because he will always lie again. It makes it easier to disassociate. I saw the email but don’t think I will read it today. I have three finals due tomorrow and I don’t want Kyle to stress me out.”

 

12 December 2011 Monday

Curtis Price Pastor of 1^st Baptists  asked, “So What was the result of the hearing? Is Kyle in Jail?” I wrote him back, “Kyle is in jail right now. He had bench warrant hearing last Friday where he was charged with a check forgery and his bail was not reduced from the $50,000. This Friday he will appear in court for a prelim hearing where he will either plead guilty or go to trial. I believe he will go to jail or even prison this time, this being at least his 3^rd probation violation.

He lied to me all last year when he said he could be in school and work part time. When he got out of jail last December as part of his probation he had to be working full time so he was constantly behind on his restitution. He was forging pay stubs to give to his Parole Officer to act like he was working full time.

I went to his court hearing last Friday and went out to see him in jail Saturday. He was so hurtful to me that I had been crying for 2 days but am seeing my therapist tonight.

I am not going out to see him again. He has told so many lies about me, and to me. He’s been fired from his job with the Farmers Market and word is getting out about him so he’s lost the only friends he had.

I truly am coming to understand that Kyle is a sociopath and will lie to everyone. I am debating on contacting Jami Fultz to tell her about her brother. I don’t know if the family even cares anymore.

I could go on and on but I am just heartsick and weary over him. It’s so incredibly sad.

The last thing I did for Kyle was contact his professors at SLCC to have them change his grades to incompletes. I would hope that Kyle is kept in our prayers.”

Curtis wrote back, “I am so sorry Ben. You have done so much and put so much faith in this young man, but you are right, he seems to not care about who he hurts in the wake of his dysfunction. I pray that you are able to begin the process of severing all ties to him so that you can move on with your life.

I will talk to Jami about her brother so you should not worry about it anymore. You are in my prayers and Kyle is too. He may come around someday but for now he is lying in a bed of his own making. Please call on me if I can be of help or even just to talk. Take Care, Curtis.”

I responded, “Thank you Curtis... it is such a real tragedy that a young man with his potential can be so misdirected to hurt those who love him. He’s not only shattered my trust but that of his farmer market community, and his very young boy friend who discovered that his first love was a deceiver. I am just praying that Kyle didn’t put this young man’s health at risk.

It is all beyond sorrow. I have so many conflicted emotions but that is why I am in therapy. My therapist said that I am in a “tormented enchantment” with Kyle. God Bless you Curtis.

When I got home from school, I texted Marty Alder to have a wonderful day and he texted back that he was at the jail waiting for his father so I guess they are going in together to see Kyle. I am glad Marty is going in with his dad because this is going to be very emotional for him.

I wrote to Marty, “I hope you had an excellent day and school went great.” He replied, “I did. It’s good to have most of the semester behind me. I’m at the jail now. I’m waiting for my father to meet me.” I asked, “Are you going in with your dad?” Marty answered, “Yeah he wanted to be there with me. I’m assuming there is a place for him to sit or something.”

I wrote, “If you want, you can tell him Dr. Green will give him an incomplete and I did contact his other profs.” Marty said, “Lol ok I will. You pushover. Haha just kidding. Thank you for the call.”

Ben remarked, “My fairy name is Gayflower and my friends call me Mamabear so yeah I am a push over. I guess being a teacher I can’t let Kyle’s hard work disappear even if he’s a lying shit LOL.” Marty responded, “’-Haha yeah that made sense. Cute Ben” I ended saying “Hope you are okay thinking of you and sending love.”

Before going to bed I deleted Kyle’s phone number from my address book.

 

13 December 2011 Tuesday

At school today I emailed Jami Fultz asking if she could come in and talk about her brother Kyle. She agreed so we met after school at 3:30 and talked until 5:00. We talked about Kyle’s arrest for sexually molesting children at his mother’s day care.

We talked about why Kyle is in jail now for forgery. We talked about how much I loved him and how hurt his family must be if they have the strength to care anymore.

I gave Jami the address and time for his court appearance this coming Friday. I said I couldn’t be there. Besides Kyle doesn’t want me there anymore.

I wrote to Christine Johanson- “I feel the need to write you one more time. I felt that I was being incredibly unfair by insinuating that Kyle had sexual issues so I sat down with his sister Jami Fultz. I taught Kyle’s nephew last year.

I said that I had to ask outright whether Kyle was arrested for sexual assault as a teenager and she said yes. Kyle’s mom ran a daycare center out of their house in Syracuse and Kyle was sexually assaulting some of the boys there.

Jami said the number 17 sticks in her head of the number of boys. His mother lost her day care license and Kyle was sent to therapy.

Jami’s husband also worked at the clinic and he and Kyle’s parents disagreed over the type of treatment Kyle should have been receiving. The family moved from Syracuse to Taylorsville to give Kyle a new start.

Jami said that she didn’t know of any other arrest records for lewd behavior but Kyle upon returning from his mission would get caught hanging out at park rest rooms.

She suggested that you do ask your boys if Kyle had been inappropriate with them. We cried together for about an hour. She is going to Kyle’s court hearing on Friday but I am not. Kyle hates me now for not keeping his secrets. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. If you need more information Jami Futz is on face book and is Kyle’s older sister. She has two boys of her own.”

Christine Johanson wrote back, “Ben, Thank you. I’ve spent the last few days confirming everything that everyone has been telling me. You’re not the only one who has been telling me things and you’re also not the only person who is upset or hurt enough by Kyle to be cutting him out of their lives.

What you have told me isn’t what I had hoped would be the case, but I wanted to hear the truth, and that is what I have been hearing from everyone.

I’m actually thankful to be learning about it. Kyle has been alone with the boys. He’s on the list of people who can pick them up from school. I’ve put my children at risk by allowing him to be so close to them. I had to know. Nothing is more important to me than protecting them.

I will talk to his sister and thank you for her information. I’m also planning on talking with my boys. I haven’t yet, because I’m still preparing myself for the answer. I honestly don’t know what I will do if the answer is yes. Thank you Ben.”

I wrote back, “Much love...as much as we love Kyle, children wellbeing comes first...I share your aching heart.”

After 4 this afternoon Michael Aaron texted me and said, “I hope you are alright. Just thinking about you.” I responded, “I just spent an hour talking with Kyle’s sister.”

I got this letter from Kyle today dated the 10^th of December, “Ben, you deserve better than the way I treated you and spoke to you during your visit today. I was upset that you showing up meant I wouldn’t be able to see Marty and through all of this he has been my rock. It was unfair to treat you as I did, but you unfortunately proven too often to be an accommodating target for my misdirected anger.

I am hurt and upset of my own accord, truly no one’s fault but my own. I was dismayed when you accused me of never having apologized for hurting you and betraying your trust and love.

I started apologizing that first night with Randy and Kim and I’ve apologized many times and in many ways since then. However hurting you is not something I will ever tire of apologizing for. I will never forgive myself for the many ways I abused you and mistreated you and took from you. For all that I did to you I am truly and forever sorry and undeserving of your forgiveness.

That being said and regardless of the outcome of my current predicament I see no other healthy alternative than for us to completely disassociate one from another. We have enabled each other long enough and it is time to regretfully part ways.

I am unwilling to subject you to any more of my misdirected anger or further abuse your giving nature. I think it’s also clear that I am, at least for now, still unwilling to forgive you for sexualizing our relationship in your moment of weakness and anger. 

I appreciate all that you did and tried to do for me, a clear and overwhelming majority of which was kind and good. I regret having hurt you and will always love and appreciate you and the good you did for me. Hopefully I’ll finally learn from my mistakes and stop hurting people. Love always Kyle.

 

14 December 2011 Wednesday

My niece, Denise Wachs wrote  me saying, “Hi Uncle Ben. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m exchanging  vows with my girlfriend on New Year’s Day and I don’t have any idea where to start. Hope you can help.”

 

15 December 2011 Thursday

I read from “Heartbreak” a lot today before going up to Farmington for a writing class that was a waste of 4 hours or maybe I just could not think of anything else but Kyle Foote. I came home as soon as I could and read that Marty posted on Face Book, “For those who know/care, he has set me free today and has allowed the healing process to begin. Everything is going to be better and I am so excited to see what it will bring ”.

 I called Marty and he said that Kyle has sent him another letter saying that there was no future for them right now and it is better that he moved on with his life and not see him anymore.  He told Marty that he was going to plead guilty tomorrow.

After taking Coco home on this very hazy dreary gray day, I came back and fixed me something to eat when Tim Keller dropped by. He was down from Logan to take his folks to the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas program. We talked for nearly 2 hours getting him caught up with what happened to me with Kyle. He understood my motives almost more than anyone else and it was a relief talking to him. He didn’t make me feel like an idiot for loving Kyle.

However about 8:00 this evening Charles Frost called and said that Michael Aaron posted on Face Book that Kyle was arrested and showed his mug shot. I was devastated again and began to weep all over again. Tim left shortly after that and I was back in grieving mode.

Michael Aaron wrote: “Kyle is back in jail for an alleged violation of parole. If you have been a victim of Kyle’s and haven’t come forward, now would be a good time. I have several friends who have lost thousands of dollars to him. Defrauds people of money. Started a kind of Ponzi scheme several years ago. Allegations and convictions for: Identity theft, securities fraud, forgery. I know he preys on members and friends of the Gay community in Utah. I feel this is the best way to get people to come forward.”

There were many, many comments to the post. Jesse Fruhwirth wrote “Does he have a different name on FB? He looks like a guy I know, but the guy I know does not go by “Warren.” Michael Aaron responded, “It’s Kyle. He killed his page the day before his arrest.”

Adam Wade wrote, “And to think I used to love his articles quite a bit...”

Karl Bayman wrote, “I just wanted to say that I have known Kyle for over 15 years, he has had his troubles to be sure, just like everyone else, but he is a good guy and is incredibly intelligent.” I don’t think judging someone based simply on mistakes they have made is something we should spend our time doing as a community.”   Krista Al Qirim Thompson responded saying “When those “mistakes” have victims, it’s good to let others know to be wary.” Chris McArdle wrote, “ Karl – dude you’re a good friend! Continue to love him for who he is, but the only way he will ever get the help he needs is for everyone to know who he is, mistakes included. One thing I notice in our community is we turn blind eyes and settle to dwell in silence and denial. The more people who know exactly who this guy is, the better chances are the right people that can really help him will show up. I see people looking at serious drug addictions as though they don’t exist even after the addict dies they remain in denial. Silence = death and the truth is really the best option always.

 Michael Aaron added, “I understand where you are coming from Karl. I made no judgments in this post. I am stating the facts, making people aware and trying to ensure no others are harmed. I also want people to know that if he defrauded them, they are not alone and should come forward. I gave him a second chance once he served his time in prison, only to find that other friends of mine were defrauded as well since then. I feel guilty that I didn’t make them aware earlier and I feel complicit in giving him a forum to potentially groom other potential victims.”

Todd and Erin Collard of KBEE–FM 98.7 wrote: “Todd here. I will tell you how I feel about posting Kyle re arrest. He took my family for $2000 on a fake carpet biz. I followed him as he was in prison but did not know he was out. I think he would be safer in prison where none of us can get our hands on him. Let me know where to get in line. Karma sucks doesn’t it Kyle. Oh and to the folks who think that it is wrong to judge him look at his arrest record and how many people he has harmed. HE IS NOT A NICE GUY, he broke the law as soon as he was out .If I can help put him back in jail for a couple years I am there. If you screw with me you have screwed with my family and that’s where it stops. Oh yeah, I will be reposting this to another 10,000 face book friends ”

Dennis McCracken wrote: Thank you Michael. Yes, Kyle is a charming man, who uses that charm to harm others. He is friendly and fun to be around but is dangerous. Someone I care about has suffered greatly at the hands of Kyle and he should be put away for what he has done.”

Pagan James wrote- “Thank you for sharing this Michael Aaron.”

Timm H. Sheehan asked, “did he not work for or write a column in QSalt Lake?” Michael Aaron responded-“Yes, Timm. I gave him a second chance, even though I was likely in his sites to be included in his earlier scam that he spent prison time for. I guess I was lucky, because I didn’t have the kind of cash he was looking for.”

Hazen Dale wrote, “thanks for being bold and posting. If it’s one thing I can’t stand its dishonest lowlife. They deserve to be posted all over. To all reading this- if you are a liar, cheat, thief, bully, gangbanger, bigot, (heaven forbid) murderer. Etc etc- eventually you will reap what you deserve. And guess what....many of us will do our part to help you receive it.”

Adam Shafer posted, “He gave me crabs...”

Karl Bayman wrote; “i just hope that everyone who has decided that humiliating someone in public for their mistakes is the way to make it better gets to have their mistakes aired just as publicly.” Adam Shafer responded, “Breaking the law is not a mistake. You don’t go, “oops” and screw people out of thousands of dollars. The public has a right to know. But just to be fair, Karl... next time I wash a red shirt in my white load, I’ll let the public know myself.

I wrote, “Karl, thank you for standing by Kyle. I want you to know that I am one of Kyle’s victims. He stole $20,000 from me to finance Orgy.com. He lived with me and I loved him and the betrayal broke my heart and is still breaking it. I could not send him to prison although my friends thought I was insane not to. However while I will always love Kyle he has some real mental health issues. The Kyle he lets people see is not always the real Kyle. I thought I knew him better than almost anyone and yet I knew him very little because he compartmentalized people. He lived with me a year and a half, used my truck had free room and board I helped him while he was in Jail last November and yet few knew about our relationship. He remodeled my house and built my deck and in his own way did love me but also betrayed me. I hope in prison he can get some professional help to keep from reoffending and hurting himself and others. He is in court today at 2 and I believe he is pleading guilty to check fraud. The court knows nothing about what he did to me...I want keep it that way. I cannot and will not harm Kyle any further than he has harmed himself.”

Dal Pal Garber wrote, “ I have known Kyle my entire life. He is not perfect and his deceptions continue to grow it seems. This makes me sad and frustrated but I also know him to be a good person who has volunteered a ton of time in the Gay community and has tried to support a lot of different groups since he got out of jail several years ago. While I don’t think that excuses his behavior in way I also don’t think he’s a horrible person. Hopefully one day he learns that deception is never a way to succeed in life.”

Hazen Dale responded, “And so you know, I don’t judge and am not mean person. Just believe in doing what’s right. As for ‘making mistakes’ well, it’s a mistake perhaps the first time or when young. If a mistake, you feel remorse for it and actually try to quit. Those with drug addiction- mistake was starting, yes they need us to not be silent and help, encourage them. I too have known many who’ve ‘made mistakes’ and are/were friends. Some I have had to distance from as they choose to not want to not make bad choices anymore. Stand by my friends but they know how I feel- we have to own up to our choices.”

Heidi Shelton wrote, “Holy shit! I remember hanging out with you and Kyle @ Jam when the votes were being counted and he figured out my mom was his elementary school teacher! I thought he was fantastic, and as one who has made mistakes although not of this magnitude – I hope he gets the help he needs!!”

Andrew Parker Leasy wrote, “Naturally, we all do thing we are not proud of. Deeming Kyle, “not a good guy” shows more about you then him, Todd and. Yes, I grieve for the victims. I could not imagine how they feel, because I am not them, it did not happen to me, I am sorry that it happened to you. I am taken back by this news; however, I still know and respect what he’s done for our community. No that does not make up for what he has done to others. Nevertheless, please give the guy a break. It’s hard starting over and once he serves his time we should be supportive and confident that our justice system has done its job. Maybe we should be more involved… I volunteer at the Jail regularly. Because I know it has flaws, I do not sit around and complain that it has not worked. Let’s be the change we wish to see.”

I commented again, “Those of us who love Kyle find this a personal tragedy. It is incredibly sad that a young man of his intelligence and of his enormous talent has ruined his life and the lives of many others...and for what...money!? Greed has yet again destroyed someone’s life. Those who do not know Kyle should refrain from making comments that are not necessary. Michael Aaron posted this without judgment but as a warning so that others might not be taken in by good looks and charm. Kyle has done some very selfish things and hurt many people because he wanted to feel important. He is going to pay the price of this for the rest of his life. Please forgive me if I cannot throw a stone at him.”

Ryan Gray wrote, “I was able to prevent him from starting another of his potentially very damaging schemes earlier this year, but didn’t do so publicly. I think it’s good for you to expose it, especially seeing as he has done this REPEATEDLY and within the same community.”

Martin Alder wrote, “I will always love Kyle, but he hurts the people that are close to him the most. He has real goals just like anyone else, but he is also held back by mental illness and should not be made fun of. I will always be his ally and I know he has a very beautiful part of him that understands what is going on. I’ve never felt so connected to someone that put me through so much pain. It’s a very strange situation to have to grieve.”

I wrote to Amy Barry-“I was going to call last night but thought maybe we all needed a break from the drama. I hope you are feeling better and aren’t having the anxiety attacks. Take care”

Amy wrote back, “- Ahh, thanks. I’ve got an appointment for a therapy session this week. I do okay with the anxiety – I basically stop thinking. I’ve been distracting myself with a 2^nd job I’ve put off and that seems to help. And you, doing okay Good luck today and we’ll chat soon. Amy”

I wrote saying, “I am reading “Heartbreak” by a Jungian Therapist named Gineete Paris... I can’t see the lines half the time because I am crying so much but it is helping me understand what is going on with me. She’s helping me understand that this is a physiological event as well as an emotional one..”Unhealed heartbreak can bring on the fate that is most feared: isolation in a loveless world.” I don’t want that to be my fate.

Amy wrote back, “Then don’t let it. I’m glad you’re finding guidance in your feelings with this book. By telling the truth and talking to others you insure the isolation Kyle was building for you isn’t there and you know this isn’t a loveless world – Kyle is just a loveless person. Crying is good. My heart hasn’t been broken.

I feel that I’ve been left with a load of crap on my lap and I don’t know where or how to begin to work through it. What are the chances that we would come into contact with someone like this?

 I had this horrible realization last night that there was that kid he was seeing that lived in South Salt Lake. I can’t remember his name can you help me with that? He needs to be told to get tested, etc. Just hang on to the reality that “we will make it through this and figure out how to keep our humanity intact”.

I answered, “He was seeing so many people I am not sure who this kid might be. I feel like you were victimized as by a stranger you took in which may be more painful or every bit as much as being betrayed by an object of love and affection. We will get through this. We are strong people but we probably need professional help just as much as if we had a physical gaping wound that won’t heal on its own. I fear for Marty because his heart hasn’t been broken by Kyle yet...he still hasn’t been rejected...I hope Marty, who is young and resilient will reject Kyle first.”

Amy Barry added, “The kid I was thinking of worked at Clearlinc, lived in South Salt Lake, had a Hispanic last name, and was seeing Kyle last Christmas. I helped Kyle wrap presents for him. I fear for Marty as well. I don’t know what Kyle said to him on his visit the other day, but it fucked him up. I hope his parents and best friends don’t let him fall into it again. His heart will be broken no matter who does the rejecting.

I really hope Kyle goes to prison so we can all start to heal with a little assurance of peace. Being in jail has the possibility of release at any time and it leaves people on edge. All these heartaches help shape us, but this is beyond belief. My therapist has no idea what he’s got coming with me. I feel victimized in the fact that I exposed people in my life to Kyle. Sometimes I think about the people I love fiercely (such as my nephews) and I contemplate the harm that could have come to them because I allowed Kyle in my life and I just start crying. It’s just too much at once.”

I shared, “Ginette Paris writes, ‘No one volunteers for such an experience; yet it happens, it is dangerous, and you need to take it seriously.’ I am glad you are going to seek help. I believe that boy’s name was David Castillo.

I never went into details with Marty but he did say that Kyle was very rude to his dad and that upset Marty. I am sure Kyle was upset because he couldn’t manipulate Marty with Dad there.

Did I tell you I discovered a letter from Kyle in the mail after we talked? It broke my heart again. He said he was sorry for treating me the way he did Saturday, that he will always be sorry for what he did to me, said that it is best if we never see each other again, and that he will always love me. This all on top of seeing his sister, talking to you and Marty. So I am just incredibly sad but on my way to healing especially if Kyle is given time so we are forced apart.

Marty still holds on to hope. I have given up hope. I have to think of Kyle as dead not as in “I hate him” but as there is no hope of him ever coming back to me. And that period of mourning is just beginning.”

Amy responded, “Thanks for the info Ben. I’m so glad Marty’s dad was in the room because that does prevent Kyle from manipulating Marty as much. I think Marty has hope that he can help him, but that will be crushed and hopefully before it does more damage to him. I will admit that letter surprises me and somewhat in a good way. In some way you can take that letter as permission to start your healing journey. Ben, if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to call. If I can’t talk right then I will call you back! I’m anxious about what happens tomorrow and almost holding my breath until then.”

Face Book Postings:

 

16 December 2011 Friday

 

17 December 2011 Saturday

 

18 December 2011 Sunday

What a difference a year can make. A year ago I had to put down two of my old dogs and Kyle wrote at the time: "It's hard to drive with tears in your eyes... I helped drive in the sad procession to take two of my friend Ben Williams dogs, Priscilla and Smokey to be put to sleep. They lived long and loved lives, they took little and gave so much in return. It is a sad time and we all might just need a few extra hugs."

It’s been a hard year.  And now Kyle is heading to prison. 

This morning I filled up the hot tub and threw out a bunch of old electronic speakers and crap that had been stored for years down stairs. It’s Just time to clean out the clutter in my life.

 I also went over to Amy Barry’s to pick up the manila envelope that I had given her with all of Kyle’s banking stuff in it.  Her lawyer said not to give it to the Parole Officer  unless they request it and in Kyle’s letter he wanted his debit card to go to Jami.

I wrote Mike Romero, “Randy is in the hospital to have his appendix removed. I think I will go out to see Kimberlee. Do you want to go?” but he never got back to me.

I talked with Marty Alder who asked if I had gone to see Kyle yesterday with Jami and he said that he had a call from Kyle from jail and he had accidently denied it!  He said that he couldn’t go see Kyle because he had a scheduled visit from someone already. He thought it might be his sister Jami or Christina Johnson.

It was Jami because she called me at about 3 this afternoon  and said she had gone out to see Kyle and that he will be transferred to prison Wednesday or sometime after that. She wanted me to tell Marty that he could go out Wednesday morning if he cared to.  Marty’s so conflicted. 

Jami said that after he goes to prison he won’t be able to see people for 2 months So not until about March.  He does have another hearing on January 6th in regards to the Attorney General but whatever is decided there will run concurrent with his sentence. 

Jami was upset saying that Kyle would have to do this over Christmas and I said yes it would have been nice if all this went down in March! But then I said well Kyle won’t have any Christmas this year but then he has been an awfully naughty boy! That made her laugh. 

I told her I didn’t believe Kyle is a monster and I will not treat him as one.  I guess we won’t be going to the “Family and Friends” orientation at the jail since Kyle is being transferred out of jail to prison.

 So then I called Marty back and I told him what Jami had said. However it put the decision to see Kyle or not back in his court. 

I spent the rest of the day just keeping busy. Made Taco soup. Changed sheets on the bed. Did laundry. Oh Kyle what have you done?

 

19 December 2011 Monday

It is another cold dreary day. The computer at school wasn’t working so it was a long day all though I did put on a movie, “Willy Wonka”.

When I came home I made an appointment to see my eye doctor this Wednesday because I think my eyes are having issues. I can’t focus as clearly and my night vision is almost a blur.

I fixed me something to eat then fell right to sleep. 

Marty Alder wrote on Face book-“Why am I still up?! Clearly still obsessing over somebody who is dead...and why? There is a kitty laying with me that has always loved me unconditionally.”

I wrote Kyle Foote’s sister, Jami Fultz saying, “Jami I put Kyle’s letter in a sealed manila envelope. Would it be easier to just send it home with Morgan? He won’t know it’s from his uncle. I have an appointment at 4, or I can just give it to you tomorrow. There’s no hurry.”

 

20 December 2011 Tuesday

The stress has caught up with me and I have slept for the last 12 hours. I Still don't feel rested. It will get better.

At school we performed “The Bell That Couldn’t Ring” all day so it filled the time. I gave Morgan Kyle’s letter to bring home to his sister.

Charles Frost texted me at 2:30 and wrote, “I CAN’T even watch this judge Joe Brown anymore without thinking of Kyle and all the sadness surrounding him right now. Are you doing okay Ben?” I wrote back, “I have my ups and downs. I see my therapist tonight. School is out tomorrow afternoon for winter break. Kyle goes to prison tomorrow.  My house is being appraised on Thursday. I crashed yesterday for 12 hours probably stress. Dealing one day at a time. How is Doug’s neck?  And how are you doing? We will have a good visit this week or next. It is crazy that Christmas is Sunday.

I went to my Therapist at 6:00 and had an hour session with him. I told him about my dream of being in a shrouded mist and how I can hear my friend’s voices but cannot see them.

Also told him about the dream I had about my friends tearing down the deck that Kyle built and I was crying telling them to stop.

Probably the most important realization was that Machial wanted me to come up with a symbol for Kyle and Janus popped into my head.  He’s the God of beginnings and endings, looking backwards and forwards and I realized that being two faced I never knew which one was I really talking to.  I made another appointment for January 2 at 5:00.  I think I am winding down.

 

21 December 2011 Wednesday

Last day of school for 2011 and first day of Winter and Kyle is going off to prison.

At school I tried to write Kyle a letter and then half way through it I deleted it. Why bother? Kyle doesn’t love me and what more is there to say?

Marty Alder went to see him but did not feel up to talking about it. I think it’s okay. Time to start letting go.

I went to Dr. McKay my optometrist and he said I have the beginnings of cataracts and that my prescription had changed and my glasses were more like reading glasses then for seeing distances.  So new glasses again today.

Marty Alder wrote me this morning, “I’m going to visit Kyle today. Hopefully he will still be there after meal time.”  I replied, “Good luck and hope it’s a good experience. I forwarded that woman’s Christmas card to him. Give him my love whether he wants it or not. Do you know Erin Longaker? She sent Kyle an Xmas Card.” He answered, “Yes. She volunteered with us at the NAMI walk. She LOVED Kyle and has a very intense personality. Oh, can I get Jami's number from you by the way? Thanks.” I wrote back, do you think Erin should know that Kyle is in Jail? I sent you Jami's phone by text. I gave Jami Kyle's letter yesterday. Are you going to see Kyle today? Do what's best for you... love Ben”

Marty replied, “don't think it would hurt if she knew he was in jail. He did touch her soul, so I think it's only fair if she knows. I can tell her since I know her.” I said, “Thanks... i did forward her Christmas card to him...I hope he gets it. call me when the dust settles if you are up to it.”  Marty added, “I will talk to you tomorrow. Nothing bad happened, it was a good visit. But I'm still not sure I want to chat about it quite yet.

I ended saying, “Take all the time you need to process your feelings.”

 

22 December 2011 Thursday

I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream. I posted on face book: “It’s amazing that you can wake up one morning and realize that the relationship you thought you had with someone was a Big Nothing. Time to move on and find myself out of the mist. Never knew how big nothing could be.”

 Then I wrote Marty Alder- “Marty,  I feel as though I need to apologize to you. I feel like I have been intruding in a very personal and intimate relationship you have with Kyle. I feel like I have been mining you for bits of information about Kyle and that is wrong. Please forgive me. What is between you and Kyle is private and to be cherished between lovers. I am sorry.”

 I had to wait around all morning for the appraiser to come out to look at the house. I am hoping he appraises at $160,000 or more so I can get the full amount of the loan to pay off all the debts Kyle ran up and foolishly accepted.

Afterwards I went and picked up Chuck Whyte to take him to the airport for his Christmas trip to California. I Went and had a bite to eat at the China Buffet over by the house. It wasn’t nearly as good as when it first opened. I wonder how long it will last.  Other than that didn’t do much else until the evening.

Greg Hardin wrote- “How are things going, have you heard anything from Kyle. I sent him a card. I also noticed that he can receive emails!”

I wrote him back-“Marty went out to see him yesterday before he gets transferred to Prison when no one can see him for two months.” He sent me a letter to give to his sister Jami which I did Tuesday.

Marty said it wasn't a bad visit but he didn't feel up to chatting about it. I sometimes feel like I am intruding on their personal relationship. They were lovers not me. Kyle didn't ask to see me.

I guess he has another hearing on January 6 from the Attorney General on another charge. But his sentence will run concurrent said his sister. I wish I knew how to find out what Kyle's sentence was. I heard 1-15 years and his sister said Kyle thought he'd serve at least 18 months.

I thought I'd like to go to the January hearing to hear for sure his sentence but a big part of me says I need to move on. I've done all I could for Kyle. I will still love him but I can never be sure that he loves me.

 My therapist wanted me to come up with a symbol for Kyle. I picked Janus because of his two natures and faces. I never really knew which one I was talking to.

About five I checked the mailbox and there was a letter from Kyle. It was not one that I hoped for or expected.

He had written it on the 19^th, “Ben, I received both of your letters today. Thank you for updating me on the status of my things and my friends. Please do not mail me anymore letters, however. I am not even close to being ready to forgive myself for the pain I caused you nor am I ready to forgive you for the pain you caused me.

I am in a dark place when it comes to you and I and it would be unfair for me to further engage with you as all I feel are anger and regret. (Primarily self-directed). I am going to close this letter now in an effort to avoid furthering anything hurtful in its lines. Please do not respond, simply let me go. Continue in your therapy and find love and peace within yourself and your friends. Please give all my things without exception to Jami as I do not want them in your possession upon my eventual release. Hold on to the good memories we made together as I know I will. Goodbye Ben- Kyle.”

Shocked  my his words, I cried a little but went out on a sex date with a man named Gary Jay. I was kind to him but he wasn’t my type at all and so I just jacked him off so he wouldn’t feel neglected and I could just go home. Today is the day I begin to get over Warren Kyle Foote.

 

23 December 2011 Friday

It was Kind of a sex crazy day. This morning I had this Scot named Joe Smith come to look at the downstairs bedroom. He’s a masseuse and I am sure a happy ending kind of guy. Anyway I don’t think he will take the room but he gave me a quick massage for free and I got to see him jack off his load.

Well after he left that just whet my appetite and brought up sexual desire that I had kept below the surface and I put an ad on Craigslist for a massage and I had several people respond. First was this guy from Draper, probably married, who came over about 1:30 and while he was trying he wasn’t really getting into it and in the middle of it Mike Romero came over to get Coco. That certainly put a damper on things.

Later about 4 another guy, just getting off work, wanted to come over and I let him and he massage just a little than jacked off. He had a great time but I thought this isn’t scratching my itch at all.

 So I had four sexual encounters between last night and this afternoon and I couldn’t get anyone to fuck me. All they wanted to do is jack off. Oh well!

I called Charles Frost in the afternoon and we talked for an hour catching up.  He was offered a position at the Pride Center as Director of the Sage program. Good for him. And he had just been selected as the Q’s Person of the Year as Dottie Dixon.  We also talked about Kyle going to prison today.

Amy had called earlier freaking out because the jail had called her and said Kyle was being released.

I said no way. It probably meant he was just being transferred from jail to prison.  When she called the jail that is exactly what it meant. She wrote me, “You were right. He was released to prison. Sorry for the alarm. I’m surprised at how anxious it made me. Thought I was over that phase.”

            I wrote Marty Alder saying Amy got a message  from the jail today that Kyle is being transferred to prison. Thought you would want to know.” He responded, “Wonderful Thank you! Now I can send my letter  lol.” I then said , “Merry Christmas and next week you are coming over to watch Sordid Lives and bring any strays and I will fix a veggie meal. How’s Thursday before the big New Years Hullabaloo? ”  Marty Alder replied, “That sounds perfect.” Haha Than you so much.”

So Kyle is spending Christmas in prison. He is a convict now. I told Charles that it is where Kyle belongs for hurting so many people for just his selfish needs.  I did ask Marty Adler over this Thursday for dinner and a movie. It’s time to let that dear boy go to.             The Deseret News had a news story saying a Study on HIV treatment was called biggest medical breakthrough of 2011. Wonderful but too late for my generation.

 

24 December 2011 Saturday Christmas Eve

I was on the computer early this morning and read how Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry couldn't even get 10,000 signatures to qualify for Virginia's March 6th GOP Primary! Good riddance to Southern White Trash!

I saw Kyle’s prison inmate picture this morning. It made the reality of him being in prison come home.  I wept. But it was time to put some pants on and get busy... the house doesn't clean itself and the dog's need some Xmas goodies. They have been very good this year they said.

So I went to Smith’s to get some treats before I took Mike Romero to Chuck A Rama for lunch. They closed at 3:00 and we got there about 2:30 so barely made it. But it was tasty and filling.

 Mike then came over to  the house and looked at the projector room. It needed rewiring because not sure what Kyle did to it. I made some Rice Krispie treats and thought of my Aunt Bonnie the entire time. She always made them for Christmas. All my aunts but one is gone now.

While the day began dreary it did end nicely.  I wrote on Face Book “A person I love won't be having a Merry Christmas this year or perhaps for the next several years. We certainly reap what we sow Be good for goodness sake!”

About 9:45 at night  I get this text message from a guy I met on Silver Daddies named Mark Canaan. He wrote “Hey this is Mark from SD. What are you up to tonight? Just cracked open a beer. Just got off work. You have any plans?”

So I texted him back and said that I hadn’t and was just waiting for Santa. He texted back “LOL this is my first day off in 12 days tomorrow. So don’t have any plans either. You wanna get together and watch a movie or something?”

 I couldn’t remember where he lived and when he said Provo, that was about a deal breaker for me until he asked, “You alone for Christmas?” and I said just me and my schnauzers.

He wrote “Yep empty house except for my dogs. Where you at?” When I told him Salt Lake he said “Dang that. It’s kind of far.”  I knew I wouldn’t be able to get him to come to Salt Lake so I asked if he wanted me to come to his place and he said “It would be nice”  I asked what he would like to do and he said, “Would be down for anything. Snuggle, get to know maybe.”

So that I didn’t drive 40 miles for nothing I let him know I was a total bottom and he said, “I like to top.”  So I wrote “Sounds like we are compatible then. Would you like me to come down. It would probably be 45 minutes” and he answered, “I would if you wanted to”.

So I pull some clothes on and am thinking what the hell am I doing driving to Provo at 10:45 at night!.  There’s a lot of construction still and when I got to Center Street it made me detour back up to University. It was so dark it was hard to read any street signs. I was kind of lost.

At 11:45 he wrote, “You still coming?” And I responded saying I am lost so he laughed and gave me directions to his place. He’s this really cute 29 year old guy who is really into older guys.

He put on the old King Kong movie and we snuggled for a while before starting to make out. He was so sweet and caring and saying and doing all the right things. Then we kind of did some frottage until he slipped his cock in me. He was so wildly passionate.  I kept thinking what a great Christmas gift to be fucked by a virile young man on Christmas morning.

It was nearly 2 in the morning when I left to drive home. I texted him saying “Thank You” and he wrote back “You Too. That was really fun”. 

I have to remember that even if I never see him again, I needed the affection and passion after what Kyle did to my head making me feel so undesirable.

 

25 December Christmas Sunday 2011

I Woke up with a sweet memory of last night’s passion with Mark Canaan.  He said that he was going to Bountiful today and might stop by but never did so I was a little disappointed…it was what it was. At least I got a cleaned my house out of it.

I called John Reeves this morning to wish him a Merry Christmas and told him all about Mark while I was still in passion’s euphoria. Also I heard from my Cousin Kay who said there was 6 inches of snow in Amarillo. Other than that I had a very quiet Christmas watching Christmas Vacation and Miracle on 34th Street.

I put away the Christmas Tree and fixed a Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato Sandwich for Christmas dinner.

Later in the evening Michael Romero called and asked if I wanted to go out to Daybreak to spend Christmas evening with the Giles and I did.  They decorated their house beautiful for Christmas and we ate some baked ham and creamed potatoes with them.  Randy is doing well considering he just had an appendectomy last week.

Before going home he printed out Kyle’s Court records for me.  Merry Christmas.

 

26 December 2011 Monday

Dad died 8 years ago in Palmdale, California 2003. My sister Charline wrote on her Face Book page “My Dad passed away on this day in 2002. When he first passed away I had no time to morn him because I was too busy trying to keep my Mom going. That first year I bet we were at the doctor’s office on an average of once a week. I am so thankful she had a strong will to go on. I know she missed Dad and was not happy without him. She is now with him and that is where she truly wanted to be. I miss them both very much, but I know they are now together and that makes it a little easier. Only thing is now I feel like I am mourning both of them and that does make it hard to deal with. I do want to think all of my family and friends for their support and love that helps most of all. May God Bless all of you.” 

This morning I went to Best Buy in Bountiful to get a new pair of glasses because of my prescription change. It was $366 dollars but I had that much in my Flexible spending account.

After I came home Michael Romero came over and worked on getting the movie room working again. It was so screwed up probably from Kyle playing around with it.  I may have to buy a new receiver because it is acting weird.

I took Mike out to lunch again and we went to Applebee’s in Bountiful. I was given a gift card from Christmas so that went to pay for dinner.  I guess with Kyle Foote out of my life I am having to rely on Michael more again. 

I made a coffee date with Charles Frost tomorrow at Millcreek Roasting at 2:00 after I get my cavity filled tomorrow. I have  a cavity in my last remaining baby tooth. I am 60 years old and I am having a baby tooth filled. 

In the evening I wrote to Dallen Pal Garber, Kyle’s old childhood friend, saying “Kyle went to Prison December 23 Sentenced 1-15 years... Very sad. His prison picture shows a broken man.”

Dal Pal Garber wrote back, “1 to 15? That's a pretty open sentence. I bet he gets 2 to 3 years at the most. He needs to go away and we all need to forget him. Forever.”

I responded, “That is hard to hear but you know him better than I ever did. I loved him so I was blind. You are probably right.”

Dal said, “You loved him yes but love is a two way street and he clearly didn't love you. 20 thousand bucks stolen from you is in no way an act of love. I think he cared for you but he also chose you to take advantage of you. He totally manipulated and took advantage of a caring and compassionate man. I don't know how to word this any other way except that he's a cunt. Yep sums it up. Did you know Kyle was a pedophile too? They moved from Syracuse to Taylorsville because he was taking advantage of kids a lot younger than him.”

I responded, “Yes his sister told me. I learned much later that Kyle was a “Janus” and I now realize I never knew which face I was talking to. I loved the face that Kyle showed me. Yes I realize that Kyle loved no one, not even himself. A very broken man who had so much potential. I believe that he is probably a sociopath who can feel for no one.”

I moved my TV and VCR/DVD player to my bedroom so I can watch television and movies in bed now. Before going to bed I wrote on Face Book “Thankful for many great friends, thankful I have a heart that still mends, thankful for Buddy and Daisy, Thankful for a Monday in which to be lazy, thankful that there more love in the world than despair Thankful for Face book so our stories, we can to share.”

I wrote to  Martin Alder about his coming over Thursday for a Veggie Pizza and a movie “Sordid Lives”. I asked “Does that work for you? You can have Kyle’s totes too. Hope you had a Merry Christmas with the folks.” Marty responded, “Ok  That is perfect.

sounds great! Should we invite Greg? Or no? I would  like to meet him sometime.  But if not it’s fine  : )  That sounds fun!. My friends will still be in Idaho for the holiday so I will be flying solo.”

            So I contacted Greg Hardin and wrote:

What are you doing Thursday? Marty is coming over for Pizza and watch Sordid Lives. Can you make it?”

 

27 December 2011 Tuesday

I Went to my dentist appointment at noon and had two cavities filled in my baby tooth that I still have.  I was done by 1:00 and Charles Frost called and asked if we could meet a little earlier and I said certainly.

We met at The Mill Creek Roasting Company on 7th South and we visited for a good two hours.  Charles said he was really tired and he really didn’t look well. His eyes were sunken. I think the new play and all its rehearsal on top of starting a new job with Pride City is wearing him down. I worry for him.

I told him all about my Christmas Miracle with Mark Canaan and of course we talked a little about Kyle Foote. No new insights. What hasn’t been said already?  It’s becoming easier and easier to say that Kyle deserves to be in prison. 

When I finished visiting with Charles, Chuck Whyte called asking me to pick him up from the airport. He got in about 5:00 this late afternoon and we went to the grocery store also to get a few things. I was out of eggs. 

The receiver in the projection room still was not working so if I want to use it as a movie room I will have to buy one.  Other than that didn’t do much today as the year from hell winds down.

 

28 December 2011 Wednesday

I ordered a new receiver on line from Best Buy using Mike Romero’s email account because I saved $65 but it still cost $200. Merry Christmas to me. However I had a hell of a time picking it up because on line I used my Ben Williams name and when I went to the store they wouldn’t let me have it because I didn’t have any identification on me that said Ben Williams.

Mike even came to the store and reluctantly they let me have it. I had my credit card and a license with a picture a cell phone that had Ben Williams on it but they were being difficult. Poor customer service. 

Anyway Mike said he wouldn’t be able to put it together until this weekend so I guess I will have my movie night with Greg Hardin and Marty Alder in the front room. Oh Well. 

This morning I wrote Charles Frost, “Just sending love and hope you are feeling more rested. I worry about you fatiguing yourself. Much love. Stay happy.”  Charles wrote back, “Thanks friend. Loved visiting yesterday! You can keep me on the straight and narrow! Christopher is here and we’re working on the play! Good revising occurring.”

I concluded saying, “Friends watch out for each other...drink lots of herbal teas. And cut your play down to 80 minutes or less.. you are enthralling at 10 minutes so 80 is plenty... keep your health in mind...love Ben.”

In the evening I went over to Amy Barry’s for dinner at 7 and Marty Alder was there also. It was like a wake for Kyle. It’s all we could talk about. Amy fixed a lovely salmon dinner and I brought banana nut bread.

No real revelations about Kyle except from me to them. Amy knew nothing about Judge Joe Brown. Marty said there was a bunch of mail in the PO Box including a letter to Jami Fultz. I told him that he ought to pick it up because eventually the mail will stop if Kyle is no longer paying for it.  I said I’d take the letter to Jami.

Well I finally got to see where Kyle was staying when he was away from my house. I wonder now if he ever thought of it as home. He probably had tricks over here without Amy’s knowledge like he did at my place.

I wrote on Face Book after getting home, “Had dinner with exceptional people, Amy Barry and Marty Alder. We were brought together by our big hearts and immense capacity to love. Life is bizarre but fascinating.”

Marty commented that the dinner was wonderful but he cried like a baby after he walked into his empty apartment. I wrote him, “If it’s hard being alone until your pals return you are always welcome to crash here. I’ve Got two schnauzers to cheer you up and you can watch all the sad movies you want and get drunk on honey whiskey and zero coke.” Marty replied, “That all sounds perfect. Except for I will bring full calorie coke. I need calories these days.”

Amy Barry wrote, “I am happy we got together and i ended up drinking most of the wine. I hope it was good for you Marty. I don't know if I should say you're welcome if you cried all night. I do however, like being included in a group that is fascinating.”

Marty replied to Amy, “You should most definitely say you're welcome. Crying is one of the most real things there are.” Amy said, “I would prefer to take your tears away, but I acknowledge I am not magical.  hope you had a good day today.”

 

29 December 2011 Thursdays

I Did nothing but clean the house in preparation of Greg Hardin and Marty Alder coming over but in the end only Marty did.  I waxed the floors, vacuumed, cleaned out some closets, mopping up pee spots. Whether I was having company over or not it was good to get the house clean for the New Year. 

I ordered Vegetarian pizzas from Papa Murphy and Marty came over at 6:00.  He had a busy day with going out to lunch with a new friend, meeting up with Aaron Wood, Kyle’s summer fling and then coming over here.

He said that Aaron broke up with Kyle because he was becoming too dominant and he was learning more about his background. So another lie Kyle had told me.

 Anyway we watched Sordid Lives and Marty really liked it.  We had a good visit and Marty left about 9:00.  I don’t know how much longer Marty and I will see each other. Probably a good thing to let go of people who I only knew because of Kyle.  I will leave it up to Marty and Amy.

 

30 December 2011 Friday

It was Another warm and breezy day. It was nearly 55 degrees. Because the weather was so good I decided to drain and clean the hot tub as it’s Beautiful day before a storm.  I drained my hot tub...got all the little floaters out, wiped it all down and disinfected it and now filling it back up...During the fall, no matter how I tried, small leaves would find their way in and stew, but it’s cleaned now and I probably won't drain it again until February or March. I need to get a pool boy and one that won't rip me off.

  Kyle showed me how to drain it but this was the first time I actually did it myself. I guess if I am going to have a hot tub I better learn how to maintain it.

At 12:30 this afternoon, I met Bill Poore for lunch at Wingers on 4th South and 6th East.  He’s this 62 year old assistant director at the U who had worked on Broadway and lived in Manhattan for about 14 years during the height of the AIDS epidemic. He knew Ruth Gordon and Estelle Getty the actresses and knows Harvey Fierstein. 

He reads my posts on Face Book so he said he felt like he knew me already. He said he dealt with his own sociopaths in New York and they are charming and good-looking and will lie constantly because they do not care so.

We sat and visited for nearly 2 hours at Wingers. I think we can become good friends. 

In the late afternoon Michael Romero came over and hooked up my new receiver. It’s even easier to work than the old one. I watched Romero and Juliette on the big screen before going to bed. Such a beautiful movie. I was 18 years and in love with John Cunningham when I first saw it in 1969. Now I am 60 and where did the time go? No longer a youth except in my heart.

 

31 December 2011 Saturday

This year is like a horror movie where just when you think the monster is dead it reaches up and grabs you one more time.  Both Marty Alder and I were attacked again although Marty’s is a thousand times worse.

I had whiskey batter waffles, sausage patties, and hot coffee for breakfast and I wrote on Face Book “I'd make someone a good wife or fat.”

Then I went up to school in the afternoon to, mostly, I think,  get mentally ready for school because I didn’t do much while I was there.

I checked my emails and had a message from America First about my refinance. “Hello Edgar, I wanted to let you know we received the Appraisal and it came in lower than estimated at $142,000. Because of this we are only to pay off three of the debts you had wanted paid off – both mortgage loans with America First and your Horizon Credit Union revolving loan. Please let me know if you would still like to proceed with the process. I really wish we were able to pay off all of the debts for you but unfortunately our guidelines will only allow the Loan to Value for Cash Out refinances to be at 85% and this is the most we can offer with that amount. Have a good New Year’s Edgar.”

Another blow upon the bruise. I would still have American Express and Citibank, Kyle’s gifts to me, to have to pay off and AMEX has the highest interest. My dream of being able to roll everything into one payment was shattered.

I shared on Face Book “Well due to the crappy housing market my house appraised for less then I needed to roll all of Kyle's fraud into one payment. Ugh. Looks Like I will still be paying off his debt well into the New Year and the next and the next. Anyone looking for a room to rent? Felons and sociopaths no matter how cute need not apply.”

 I was too bummed to stay and work at school or about doing much of anything else so I spent the entire day researching and revising a 25 page paper I wrote on the Irvine Hodge murder in early Nauvoo.  I hardly stopped to eat. 

Chuck Whyte went with his friends out to Wendover and I never heard from anyone else so just stayed home and kept my mind active with research.

Before going to bed about 10 I checked my Face Book updates and Marty Alder had left a strange post- He wrote, “I don't believe in revenge, but days like today make me question that more than anything. What else could possibly happen to me? Seriously.”

Marty Alder texted me saying, “Yeah today I got into Kyle’s computer. He slept with more people while we’re together than most people sleep with in their lives. I now know that he is missing a heart. He had nothing inside of him and never will.”

I called him to see what was wrong then another surreal revelation came pouring out. Marty had met with Jami Fultz this morning to give her Kyle’s letters and she showed them to him and one of the letters had his password to his computer Qwerty7979.

Once Marty got into it, he was horrified that Kyle had been on Craig’s List almost daily having sex and cheating on Marty all through the time they were dating! Marty was so devastated that he made his mother come get him because he was crying too hard to drive.

Marty thinks he must have a STD now and that is why he was bleeding and losing so much weight. Kyle the selfish bastard was even fucking him when Marty was recovering and it hurt. 

Marty said that Kyle made up names on Craig’s list and bizarre stuff.  He even posted naked pictures of himself on the computer.

The one redeeming quality I thought Kyle had was that he loved Marty. Now Marty found out that Kyle had been cheating on him on Craig's list almost constantly and daily. Marty is pretty sure he has an STD or HIV and that is why his rectum bleeds and he's lost so much weight. Marty now wishes Kyle would die in prison... what a tragedy Kyle left among the people who loved him.

We ended the conversation about getting together to deal with Kyle’s stuff. I decided that I do want his computer, the copying machine, and his Kindle. The rest of his crap can be thrown in the street for all I care.

So ends a year that started with such promise of love and happiness.  I had a broken monster disguised as a loving son living in my midst and it nearly destroyed me.  But I am not going to let him.  So ring in the New Year.