Autumn 4th Quarter Journal 2012 October - December

 

October

1 October 2012 Monday

I Spent much of my day planning for a substitute for tomorrow. I am just weary this year. I moved all my kids’ desks around but I think it’s a big mistake but oh well the month will go fast.

        It’s well into fall now and the leaves are changing their colors on the mountain and it’s been much, much cooler at night. I turned my AC off about a week or more ago and I guess it’s about time to turn off the water for the year too. The squash patch is about gone.

         I got a few things off it last weekend and I gave them to Charles Frost on Sunday. Mrs. Jaspersen keeps me in veggies from her garden. I sent John Wilkes my file from the 1970’s because he said he’s writing a play from that time period.

 

2 October 2012 Tuesday

I took the day off because I had an in-service at the District in Farmington on the new Math Core. It lasted until noon. At home about the only exciting I did was get under the sink and try to fix a leak.

 

3 October 2012 Wednesday

My financial advisor, Tyler Ferguson met with me during my planning time and showed me the difference between retiring at 64 and at 65. It’s feels Strange to be even talking about retirement.

            I had to contact a parent, asking her not to send her kid to school in long sleeves because all he does is chew on them... I Confiscated 4 pens in the form of hypodermic needles because kids were straightening paper clips inserting them and chasing kids at recess with them like giving them shots... I am retiring at 64 and it will not be too soon. Hang on.

 And the point of the Presidential debates were? 90 percent of Americans have already made up their mind... I think a Romney Presidency would be a 4 year general conference weekend all pious platitudes but business as usual making the billions. The general consensus is that Romney won the debate with Obama off his game. He seemed distracted. Although Romney truly lied all through the debate and his most memorable remarks was that he would cut funding to National Public Television which everyone has interpreted as killing off Big Bird LOL.

 

Chuck Whyte is all wigged out because Michael Aaron posted that he owned the rights to the words Fabulous Fun Bus and told Chuck he couldn’t use it in his advertising of his Wendover event to raise money for the AIDS Christmas Fund.

 

4 October 2012 Thursday

I had my first Student Engagement observation today and I had forgot I was even being observed…so I just put my 24 years of experience to work and made it happen.

            I went to a fundraiser for Ben McAdams that Stephanie Pappas and her partner hosted at their Mill Creek home that James Dabakis  had pulled together. I went with Charles Lynn Frost and David Andreassen and I have a confession. I drank Jim's unguarded drink after he left our table...I was really thirsty and didn't want to make my way through the crowd. It was mighty tasty whatever he was drinking.

            The grub was great. All Greek food, meat balls rice, stuffed grape leaves but my plate was cold when I ate because they started speeches right next to my table and I thought it would be impolite to eat while they were speaking.

            The crowd of mucky-mucks raised over $60,000 this evening, the largest one day total for any Democrat candidate. It was a $100 a plate dinner but Jim said he just wanted me there as his guest.

            Charles heard Jim telling people, pointing to me, that I was the Gay Community’s historian so I guess that will be my legacy.

            I snubbed Valarie Larabee but schmoozed with Joe Redburn, Todd Bennett and Ron Hunt, Jarvis Boyer and his wife who was there, Mark Swonson, and few others I knew. But mostly the moneyed people, who were there, I am not in that league. I am just a school teacher but I taught school with Ben's mother Susan McAdams for nearly 15 years. So I heard all the stories from her about him growing up in West Bountiful. He will make a great county Mayor...vote for him...

            Stephanie Pappas has two beautiful Great Danes that I helped feed... but glad to be home with my own babies...lots of movers and shakers there tonight. I only went because Jim invited me. I can't write big checks but I can do my bit.

,            James Connelley wrote me saying: “Maybe you can't write huge checks but your contributions have always exceeded any monetary donation.”.

 

5 October 2012 Friday

Mike Romero came over about 6:15 to look at my computer. It had been really acting weird and it wouldn’t even let me log on at one point. I managed to get on and reset the computer to an earlier date but I may have to end up wiping it.

            I showed Mike the pictures of his 2nd great grandpa I found on Ancestry.com. I think he thought it was cool. I thought he looked just like him. Anyway after he left I watched an episode of Glee where everyone breaks us. I think really Glee is about finished and 30 Rock was so bad don’t know if even can watch it anymore.

Doesn't anyone know whether Mitt Romney has ever been released from his church callings as Bishop or Stake Callings? Would America elect a Catholic Priest that had not left the priesthood or a Baptist Minister or a Jewish Rabbi or a Muslim Imam? I wonder if people understand that they are electing a Mormon High Priest for President of the United States who's sworn oaths are to his church over the allegiance to the Constitution... If he has not been released from every LDS church calling and position that would bother me knowing that the LDS church has ultimate authority over Romney... disobedience to church leaders is a sign of apostasy and would jeopardize his salvation... the LDS church could send Mitt on a church mission if they wanted to and he'd have to go.

 

6 October 2012 Saturday

A guy from Layton contacted me on Adam from Adam wanting to get together with me but Layton is 21 miles away and too far for a quick fling. I must be getting old because I’ve driven to Logan before when I was younger for a fuck.

         Then about 11 this morning I took Chuck to Chuck a Rama to fill his tank.

 

7 October 2012 Sunday

I just got home this afternoon from going out to dinner and seeing a play with Bill Poore. The U of U, for Gay Pride Week, put on a play called “Geography Club” about forming a Gay/Straight Alliance in high school. There were lots of cute college boys making out in the play so that was fun...

         Times have changed. I overheard the lead boy talking to his family afterwards and he said thanks for coming grandma... I don't think my grandma would have come to a play if I was making out with a boy LOL...

         Bill bought me dinner at “The Other Place” and we discussed being Gay in the 1970's and the different paths we took on our life journeys... The Other Place is not my favorite place but the food is solid and I like their Greek salad.

         It was a nice afternoon even if I almost got hit three times by crazy ass Mormons late for Conference who were turning left in front of me...It’s Fall LDS Conference in Salt Lake City.

.  I Didn’t do anything else today but soak in the hot tub. I didn’t get any chores done. Oh well.

          I wrote Jon Jepsen: I hope National Coming Out Day was successful and the time line of the Pride Center was of interest to people. I worked several days on it gleaning info from my files and paring it down. I hoped Nikki and Valarie liked it.  FYI I was at the March on Washington Oct 11 1987 from which Coming Out Day sprang. Took a 3 day train trip with a friend to be there with no place to stay once there LOL Those were the days of fun activism...still can hear someone shout from the sidelines as we march by "Utah small but proud.."  Michael Aaron got us chanting "We're sorry for Orin Hatch" God who knew 25 years later we would still be sorry for Orin Hatch.”

 

8 October 2012 Monday

I Slept with a heating pad on my neck all night. I am really stiff for some reason. Since this is the month for ghost I guess it is no surprise that Kyle Foote would come to haunt me in my dreams.

        This evening Nate Carter from across the street rang my bell and said a letter had been delivered to his mail box instead of mine. It was from Kyle. I was really kind of stunned but opened it and read it. I immediately wrote him back.

 

        I really don’t want to involve my friends in this. They can never understand my feelings for Kyle. I don’t understand my feelings for Kyle. I am not the same hurting person I was a year ago. However this time of year can’t help but make me think of my boy.

This is the letter I wrote: “Dear Kyle, I just got your letter today. My neighbor across the street brought it to me. You had the street number wrong. You put 1634 instead of 1633. I would have written sooner if I had received it after you wrote.

        Kyle there is not a day go by that I don’t miss you. I don’t tell anyone this because they’d think I am crazy. Maybe I am. You once said our relationship was our relationship and so it is.  I sit on my deck in the evening and when people come over and I always say to them this is the deck Kyle built for me.  You made my life more pleasant with the hot tub, the deck, the home improvements…I look at the corner of my counter where the refrigerator would not close and think Kyle did that for me and he didn’t have too when the whole weight of the world was caving in on him.

        Your sister told me last winter that you blocked my letters so I never tried to contact you but wanted to let you have your space. She asked me if I was the one sending you some money every month and I confessed yes. I said it wasn’t much but I wanted you to have your daily Dr. Pepper. I don’t know if they even have Dr. Pepper where you are.                 I was going to send you a birthday card next week. I sent a little extra money to on the 1st of October. I hope you got it. I enjoyed spending the last two birthdays with you.  You are still a young man. And you will be a young man still when you get out.

        I was 35 years old when Fran and I divorced and I started a new life.  I didn’t start teaching until I was 37 and now I will be retiring in a couple of years.  I hope your time away from all you knew and loved has truly helped you see what is truly important in this one and only life.

        I know it will not be easy, in fact you know it will be difficult, to establish a new life and a life of integrity and honor.  But you know full well how creative, intelligent, and capable you are…you know airplane mechanics, you know how to do carpentry and build things, and you have the ability to work with your hands as well as your mind.

      Daisy and Buddy are fine and the same. Buddy learned this trick though. He comes to the bedroom door we had put in and stares at me to get up and let him in…then he goes to the kitchen out the doggy door and then back around…I think he thinks it’s funny. Then Daisy all this summer got into the habit of climbing into the bath tub to hang out because I guess the porcelain is cooler.

      One can adjust to anything life throws at us I suppose…but kiddo I do miss you… even if my friends don’t want me to talk about the past. I have such a deep affection for you… have no idea why really, but I felt connected with you from the moment I met you at Deb and Carla’s party that summer day.

      Even if you just wanted to play me at first, I think you had come to have affection for this old man too. Maybe some past life incomplete business or preparation for a future life. Who knows.

      What we went through together, I know now seems like a Greek Tragedy… and people came out of the woodworks to tell me of your escapades at the house… funny Kyle I was truly the one person you never needed to hide anything from… and as the song goes with all your faults I love you still.

 

      I truly hope you are getting some professional help while incarcerated and taking advantage of any educational opportunities there might be. Your intellect needs to be challenged. Old habits have to be broken.

      I know I am just rambling now. Not sure what to say. I don’t want to write anything that might make you melancholy… You will get through this one day at a time.  You will always have a home in my heart. Love, Your Friend for better or worse Ben

 

9 October 2012 Tuesday

I had dreams of both Mike Romero and Kyle Foote last night. I Dreamt I wanted to be with them both but they didn’t want to be with me that much. Then I dreamt about Mike’s parents in Rawlins, Wyoming and that I had not slept all night being out with Kyle and Mike and I had to change into a tuxedo with a top hat for school. Weird.

            Japanese Stem Cell researches believe they can make an egg from two Gay men. When Gay men can produce their own babies what will theocrats arguments be now against Gay Marriage then?

I don't want my country ruled by Mormons, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists Hindus, or any theocracy...We are a secular nation, always have been, and always will be. The Constitution rules this land NOT the Book of Mormon, Bible or Koran... Just say NO to theocrats

 

10 October 2012 Wednesday

Ugh! they treat Salt Lake Westsiders like 2nd class citizens. They closed a section under the I-15 FWY at 3rd south so they could repaint the underpass at 5 O'clock. There are only three ways to get to the east side from the north west, and they are at 6th North 3rd North and North Temple without having to go down to 200 South.

            On North Temple you can't even make lefts easily anymore because of Traxx so detouring to just get one block over I had to go three miles out of my way.

            Charles Frost gave me a snoot full today about how poorly the National Coming Out Day fundraiser was presented last Sunday. He said that when Jim Dabakis was given his Life Time Achievement award they had Beck Moss, Nikki Boyer, Joe Redburn come to the stand and stand behind him but they never introduced who they were! Jim just said thanks and sat back down. The Award from the center didn’t mean a thing to him.

            Even the video that Larabee produced to show case Jim was very amateurish Charles said. He said it was good that I didn’t go but he is still upset that I was slighted by Jon Jepson by not letting me know that my timeline was not used. That and Larabee switching me off for Jim really pissed Charles off.

 

11 October 2012 Thursday

I had the weirdest dream that I was flying to London and while there I was trying to hook up with a bunch of cute British Boys.

            It's too bad that the folks at the Pride Center co-opted “Coming Out Day” as a fundraiser instead of a celebration in which all Gay people could participate in as it was intended to be. Coming Out is the single most liberating and courageous event any Gay person will experience and it should be a celebration not a money maker. There should have been a community event today!

 

            It's too bad that the folks at the Pride Center co-opted Coming Out Day as a fundraiser instead of a celebration in which all Gay people could participate in as it was meant to be. Coming Out is the single most liberating and courageous event any Gay person will experience and it should be a celebration not a money maker. There should have been a community event today!

            Chuck Whyte commented: “I agree 100% , We MUST have COMMUNITY CELEBRATIONS that are open to ALL regardless.”

Fernando Noriega of the Gay Hot Spot wrote: “Hmm ... with all the hubbub going around about several dif issues ... I’m starting to think the Pride Center needs to re-evaluate a few things.”

            Jon Jepsen wrote: “I paid for my table with no expectation of anything in return from those who joined me. Seats were sold at cost.”

            Bill Poore added: “ I had that same feeling after years of going to Pride in NYC with no cost then arriving in Calif having to pay to enter...it has become way too much about money, and sadly a lot of our community just don’t have the money. I totally agree with you Ben.”

            I responded to Jon Jepsen saying: “Jon that is fine for people who can afford $35 plate but is this venue the right place to celebrate “coming out” in this community? How many people were there under 25? But that is not the point “Coming Out Day” is an entire community event and should not be used as a "brunch". Who decided that?

            Coming Out Day in 1995 was the impetus for Camille Lee and Kelli Peterson meeting and forming the first Gay Straight Alliance in Utah....How many teenagers were at the Coming Out Day Brunch... The use of NCOD is also an issue. It’s elitist not to use "Coming Out Day".  John Bennett on the Federal Building plaza, named for his grandfather came out on the news...”

 

            Chuck Whyte added: “Jon Jepsen, Thank you for your continued support and work in OUR COMMUNITY, My feeling is that NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY (NCOD for those who choose not to say the words) needs to be a CELEBRATION and NOT ANOTHER FUNDRAISER.  Yes we have PRIDE DAY and I personally know that it has to have a charge for entrance to pay for the wonderful 3 days, underwriting from individuals and corporations only goes so far. I remember very well my COMING OUT and want to CELEBRATE it with my ENTIRE COMMUNITY and not just a few at a fundraiser that 99% of my friends cannot afford...........Thank you for letting me state my opinion.”

            I wrote: “If the Pride Center wants to have a dinner event in October how about using Gay History Month as a theme to honor the still living activists in the community that made having a Center possible... but then you wouldn't be able to honor the big money donors. At least the center did honor James Dabakis who earned his stripes being involved for over 30 years.”

            In other news today Joe Biden and Puke Ryan had their vice presidential debates.

 

12 October 2011 Friday

I had Homemade French Burgundy Onion soup and garlic toast on a wet autumn evening...Maybe even a dip in the hot tub later...I wonder what the simply folk do?

 

13 October 2012 Saturday

I went out to Chinese Gourmet with Chuck Whyte for lunch...the food was yummy but all the soldiers in camouflage was even yummier...

            Question, does anyone know if the Pride center has volunteers out at the bars to register young voters? The old Utah Stonewall Center always did or GLUD was there doing it... Seems like a perfect way for the center to reach out to bar owners to do some joint community service... This election is going to affect the entire community and the deadline is fast approaching to register...

            Connell Rocky O'Donovan came over for some onion soup and to visit. We have known each other since 1988. We gabbed for 3 hours like two old men reminiscing about the imagined good works we did as younger men. lol Nice to talk to someone who remembers the old days especially Beyond Stonewall, the Community Council and the Sacred Faeries... good times.

            He was down and depressed however because this boyfriend of his,

named Jeff turned out to be a loser too and Rocky bailed him out of Jail to the tune of $2000 then he skipped and Rocky in on the hook for another $8,000 if they never catch his. But like me and Kyle he was more broken hearted than anything else. There’s no fool like us old fools.

            There was an article in the Deseret News on a service project I had my students do on Friday. At school I go by Edgar l which is my legal name....

            “Bountiful students try their hands at service By Wendy Leonard , Deseret News Published: Friday, Oct. 12 2012 Fifth-graders plant tulip and crocus bulbs at Washington Elementary in Bountiful on Friday, Oct. 11, 2012. Students at Washington Elementary School are piloting a new program that requires each class to do a good deed in the community. (Laura Seitz, Deseret News)   BOUNTIFUL — It isn't yet winter, but the students at Washington Elementary School are already excited for spring. "We are going to be so proud of ourselves," said 10-year-old Kaelie Schwab. She and 43 other fifth-graders planted 130 tulip and crocus bulbs in the otherwise dirt-filled planters in front of their school on Friday.

            It was part of a Good Deeds Challenge, started by the Rocky Mountain Care Foundation, that aims to bring a love of community service to elementary school-age children. "We'll know that we planted them," Schwab said, as a grin inched across her delicately freckled face.

            "I like flowers best."  Denise Perez, 10, said the school gives them so much, it's about time they paid it forward.     

            "They give us breakfast and books and stuff," she said. "I like to help the school because it helps me."

            Each grade level at the Title I school carefully selected a different service project that will be completed by students before mid-November. Their aspirations include gathering pennies for Primary Children's Medical Center, writing, and sending letters and pictures to U.S. Marines, collecting used books, and reading to younger students, and recycling certain items.

            "As a public school, we have a lot of service that is done on our behalf," said Principal Liz Beck. Aside from federal funding, she said the students at Washington Elementary have received new shoes, eyeglasses, and other benefits from members of the community.

            A group recently voluntarily painted a colorful map and lines on the school's playground, nearly 85 individuals — not all of them parents of students — visit the school weekly to participate in reading programs with the kids, and the school has a small but dedicated PTA that works diligently to provide students with a variety of extracurricular experiences.     "It's kind of a good thing for our kids to also learn how to give back," Beck said.

            Lupe Mamata, 10, said the school helped provide Christmas for her family last year, which made her "feel great." An older brother was going to cover the cost, but Mamata said having the school involved gives her more of a reason to give back.  

            Nicholas Berge, 11, said it's "cool" that the bulbs will come up every year in the future.

            "I hope they turn out to be teenagers who help others and adults who can see that others do so much for them and even someday, that they teach their own children the same values," said Karen Hildreth, mother of fifth-grader Bridger Hildreth.   She said the family's religious background has helped them to instill virtues of service and helping others in their children, as there are often many church- or Boy Scout-sponsored opportunities to serve. As parents, Hildreth said she and her husband take every chance they get to talk about the benefits of service, which go further than getting a good feeling from helping others.

            "A lot of our kids have never done any gardening whatsoever; they live in apartments and don't often have the opportunity to do something like this," said Washington Elementary fifth-grade teacher Edd Williams. He said planting bulbs is a school beautification project that will help bring a greater sense of self-esteem to students and to the neighborhood, as a lot of people drive by the central Davis County location and "they will hopefully notice that someone cares about our school."

            Fifth-grade teacher Edd Williams talks to students about doing good deeds after planting tulip and crocus bulbs at Washington Elementary in Bountiful on Friday, Oct. 11, 2012.

            Washington Elementary is the first school to implement the Good Deeds Challenge, and Rocky Mountain Care Foundation executive director Dede Fluette said it is an extension of the community service their organization already provides. The nonprofit organization assists low-income individuals or those in Davis County without insurance, with essential health care services, equipment, pharmaceuticals and more.

            "We strongly believe in serving the community here at our foundation and the hope is to spread this message to children in the community," Fluette said.

            Following the culmination of the various projects next month, the students will celebrate their good deeds together with a pizza lunch, donated by community vendors such as Ogden's Grounds for Coffee and Bountiful's Pizza Pie Cafe.

            Fifth-graders, including Erica Teaford, right, plant tulip and crocus bulbs at Washington Elementary in Bountiful on Friday, Oct. 11, 2012.

            But the idea is really to teach students that service is its own reward.

            Williams told the students that in addition to planting bulbs, they are welcome to perform service at any time, including holding the door for others, helping to pick up trash and many other options.

            “You might get something out of it, but that's not why we do it," he said.

 

            As the students pointed to where they planted each of their bulbs, they couldn't help but feel good about themselves, Mamata said.

            "There is a lot of negative out there, I like to help them see something good every day," Beck said.

 

14 October 2012 Sunday

I Didn’t much today except laundry. About 2:45 in the afternoon, I went to Motel 6 on North Temple where I was invited to be a third person in a sex party. When I got there this 40 year old man named Jason was already doing this 65 at least year old guy…It was really kind of a dud and was over before it hardly started.

            I blocked Max Harris that black kid because he keeps pestering me to meet him like at 1:00 in the morning. Not Even. He also would never verify to me that he was over 18 and I had my suspicions.

Tell me there's no difference between the Democrats and Republicans so I can slap some sense into you... Don't tell me that Republicans can be Allies... they are the party of the Oppressor... They are party that opposes Equality... and people who affiliate with Republicans might as well spit in my face and say I am not as equal as you.

 

15 October 2012 Monday

I mailed off Kyle Foote’s birthday card this morning before going in to work. So I hope he will get on Wednesday. I was reminded at work that my observation for Student engagement is tomorrow.  Ugh! So I stayed late planning for a substitute and to make a lesson plan.

        I come home, feed the dogs, take Coco home, eat a bite myself and then watch a little Hulu Plus after checking Face Book and then I am  in bed by 9:00. That’s what a typical school day looks like.

        Charles Frost may be coming over Wednesday to soak in the tub.

         Tell me again how the fanatic religious right is not America's Taliban? Faithful Word Baptist Church - Pastor Steven Anderson preaches on Obama's death from 2009 outbursts...In August 2009, the church received national attention when Anderson shared that he was praying for the death of President Barack Obama in his sermons. Don't tell me there's no difference between Republicans and Democrats...

        In the 2nd District where most of us who live in Salt Lake reside, Chris Stewart the Republican and is endorsed by Glen Beck, is a believer in the End of Times, a Zombie Apocalypse and wants to reinstate DADT to keep Gays out of the military...

        Jay Seegmiller the Democrat is a supporter of working people and equality. Get out and vote!

        Chris Steward is far more dangerous than Mia Love WHO won't be representing Salt Lakers! WHY is there so much concern about Love and Matheson when we in Salt Lake should be outraged that Steward may become our Congress man! Vote Democrat! Otherwise you are part of the problem.

 

16 October 2012 Tuesday

At school today Jeny Petersen and I did our formal student engagement observation but Principal Liz Beck and assistant Ardell Arvidsen didn’t get to see me because they had to deal with some 4th graders “Touching” each other.  I am so glad that is over.

 

            The Wind was blowing to beat the band when I got home and it looked like we were going to get some rain but it passed over. I Fixed tostados again for dinner and sent Kyle Foote  some money $25 for his birthday tomorrow.

            The Presidential debate is tonight. I Doubt whether I will watch it because I know who I am voting for and it’s not Romney.

            I wish people understood that this election is NOT about the economy...the Republicans collapsed the economy under George Bush and voted against every job act during the last 4 years. It’s not about the economy or the Utah Republicans would not be socialists when it comes to alcohol sales.

            It's about rolling back all the progressive gains made in the last 40 years. Reproductive Rights, Women Rights, Workers Rights, Gay Rights, the environment, regulation of wall street and commerce...

            The far right has hijacked the Republican Party which was not hard to do... They want a President who will NOT lead but just comply to the Billionaire autocrats and the theocrats who want to enforce their values on all Americans!

            They will if they get a hold of the Supreme Court...

 

17 October 2012 Wednesday

After work came home and Charles Frost came over to soak in the hot tub because his neck was hurting

            I received this letter from Kyle on his 33rd birthday but which he had written on the 14th:

 “Dear Ben, Thank you for your kind and gentle response to my letter. I know I should have written sooner but I was, and am, still working through a lot of pain. Thankfully I am getting the support I need here in Gunnison. Despite my recalcitrance. I never stopped caring for you and I knew you had not stopped caring for me… despite our Greek tragedy!

Sorry for the address flub, I’ll address my letters more carefully in the future so they end up in the right hands. I appreciate the update on Daisy and Buddy. I sure miss those two, mostly Daisy, I’ll admit. Give them both a squeeze for me and let them know I care. Daisy was a great gal pal to me and I miss her cuddles and adoring stares. Yes, I miss Buddy too, he was just more high maintenance than his sister.

How’s Coco doing? Does she still come over every day? If so give her some love for me as well. Come to think of it if you have some pictures of the pooches I’d love to have a couple. We’re allowed 3 X 5 pictures by mail, so long as they’re printed on photo paper. If you wouldn’t mind including some in your next letter, I’d appreciate it.

Also, if you can find it, I’d like a copy of the picture of us together at your 60th birthday party. (You may need to edit out the cake so it passes the censors.) I know all those pictures and more were on my face book page, but as it is suspended you may need to turn it back on to access them. If you do turn my face book back on, you may want to disable the ability for people to comment so my page isn’t over run by detractors.

You may need to access my email to restart my page, but you have access to all those things so use them as you see fit. Hopefully you’re at least able to access some photos that are worthy of sending in.

I do wonder how a lot of people are doing and I’m sure you’re kept tabs with many of my old friends. Admittedly I’m not ready to hear too much about my detractors or those whom I’ve disappointed. In time I’ll want to know that as well, in the meantime any good news or positive updates on my friends and the community would be welcomed. I’ll leave the who and the what to your discretion as you pretty much knew or least knew of everyone in your life.

Although I would like to know how Deb is doing after her separation from Carla. Also how are Charles and Doug? Have the three of you continued your friendship? Whatever happed to Zach? Did he resolve his legal troubles or has he disappeared?

 What of the Sugar House Farmers Market?  Did it move to Sugar House Park or did it fold up? How’s Chuck doing? Is he still loving his Condo? Has Greg Harden managed to stay sober, or at least out of jail? There are many others I think about, but I don’t want to over whelm you with queries.

I know I hurt and disappointed many people in my self-centered pursuits, not least of all you. I’m not yet in a place to hear too much of those with a justifiable low opinion of me. I realize that sooner than later I need to face up to the full extent of the damage I’ve caused so I can make amends to those I harmed or at least learn from my mistakes. That time is not now, but when it comes, I’ll need your support to work through it.

Speaking of Dr. Pepper, I have appreciated your monthly support over these past months. Yes they do sell Dr. Pepper on commissary here, but it’s far too expensive to indulge in with any regularity. I actually haven’t had a drop of any kind of soda since the day I was arrested. Don’t worry though; I’ve been putting it to good use by buying hygiene, chocolate licorice and the occasional microwave popcorn.

I’ve been saving up most of it so I can put a deposit down on a personal TV. I very much look forward to the not too distant day when I can watch my own TV instead of having to watch football instead of 60 minutes or mixed martial arts fights instead of Frontline on the shared section TV. My goal is to save enough by January to get one.

In the meantime, thanks to you, I was able to splurge on a treat for my birthday this Wednesday. My original plan was to have someone make chocolate ice cream for me, unfortunately the ingredients for it weren’t available so I’m getting a chocolate cheesecake instead. It’s amazing what some of these jail house chefs can do with a microwave and creative use of the commissary items. I won’t be sprinkling any gummy bears on my cheesecake but maybe I’ll have some ice cream for next year.

Thank you for enabling me to splurge on a birthday treat, one that thankfully won’t require you to pick up a drunk from a bar at 2 a.m.

I’ve been pretty fortunate to have things to keep me busy both in Beaver and now here in Gunnison. In Beaver I worked in the kitchen and tutored high school and a few days after I got here I was able to get a job as an English tutor. I mainly work with ESL and resource students, few of whom can read or write above a 2nd grade level.

When people arrive here they administer a competency test called TABE. The test gauges people on reading, literacy, and math. Students are graded on a scale of 0 to12.9 in each area. I took mine the 2nd day I got here and scored a 12.9 +  in all three areas, even math! I did so well they immediately asked me to tutor.

In addition to tutoring I’ve also been taking programming classes getting some counseling and I’m in something called the Strive Program. I’ll fill you in on those things in more detail in future letters. Suffice it to say for now that I’m staying productive and I’ve had a number of very unique and enlightening opportunities since coming to prison.

 In many ways this is the best thing that could have happened to me. (Not many people are sent to death row and live to tell about it!)

Post-secondary or vocational educational opportunities are very limited here, but I’ve been proactive, nonetheless. Ohio University has a correspondence program designed just for the incarcerated. It is really the only regionally accredited, legitimate program on the market and I’m close to being able to being able to apply. I had to clear up some issues with the VA from my unsuccessful spring semester at the U. I was recently able to get the U to refund the VA 60% they had paid.

The VA will actually pay for me to take courses while incarcerated at the 60 percent rate but the monthly stipend changes. Now that the VA has been refunded I can move forward with my application to Ohio University. I’m still not sure how it’s all going to work out, but I’m pursuing it, nonetheless.

I’m not sure what happened with my SLCC professors that you emailed for me. I’m obviously not going to be able to take my math or biology finals unless they are willing to allow them to be proctored here. I most likely will have to take an F for those classes, could you follow up on these for me?

No matter what I’m pressing forward with my education. Come hell or high water I’m leaving prison with a bachelor’s degree!

I sure do miss your cooking, your pot roast, and chili Verde in particular. I hope you’re taking care of your health as well. You need to watch your diet and exercise. Stay happy and healthy and write when able. Love Kyle

 

18 October 2012 Thursday

I got up this morning early to be down at Dr. Stoneburner and I was going to impress him with how much weight I lost but he scolded me on how high my blood sugars were.  I weighed in at 255.5 lbs. which is the least I have weighed in years but he said that my lab work from last Friday shoed my blood sugars at 425 and 9.5…

            I was shocked because I don’t feel like I have been out of control especially since I’ve been losing weight. Well he insisted that I get back to pricking my fingers and adjusting the doses of Lantus I take.  So when I got home I tested my blood 286  and then gave myself almost 90 units of insulin…then I ate breakfast.

            At noon I tested again 350! So I didn’t eat for the rest of the day until about 7 when I had a plate of nachos… While waiting to go down to Sandy for my examination at Hoopes Vision I wrote Kyle Foote back a long letter nearly four pages.

            Then I rushed down to Sandy…my vision is so bad that even in the day time it was hard to see the street names but I found it.

            Well after a thorough examination Dr. Hoopes said sure enough I have cataracts on both eyes and they are at the point that glasses won’t help so I set up appointments for surgery.

My right eye will be done on the 20 of November and the other on the 18th of December. My insurance will pay for the surgery but it won’t pay for implants behind the eyes that will cost $5,000 out of my own pocket.

I agreed to it but I am having second doubts…that’s a lot of money for the few remaining years I have left. I can buy a lot of glasses for $5000 and I truly just want my eyes good enough to get my driver’s license renewed and to finish working for the next 3 years.

            When I got on the Mac lap top this evening it was acting crazy…the touch pad wouldn’t let me move the cursor easily and it was flipping pages. There was no sound either to watch movies so I gave up about 8 and  went to bed…

            However about midnight this Asian kid from Provo emailed me and said that he was in Salt Lake and wanted to know if he could come over. I said sure. His name was Terry and he is from South Korea…I told him I never done a Korean before.

            He was tall and had a big dick for an Asian and he was happy to be fucking me and he felt pretty good to me I must say. He is going to BYU for some Business Program his company is paying for and will be going back to Korea in November. He wants to see me again before he leaves and I said sure…but I didn’t get to sleep until about 2 in the morning.

            This is the letter I wrote Kyle:

“Dear Friend, Your most welcomed letter came on your birthday. Reading it was like almost being with you on your special day. I hope you received the card on your birthday but if not close to it. I put $25 in your account on Tuesday the 16th so you should at least get that on your birthday.

            I will try to answer your letter today as it’s the beginning of Fall Break. We aren’t allowed to say UEA anymore LOL.

            I went to the doctors for a checkup this morning. I was glad that I had lost 20 lbs. since I saw him last in July but my blood sugars were sky high and he scolded me for that. He said that is probably why my eye sight is blurring. I have had to have three pairs of glasses in less than 3 years and of course my prescription has to be the $300 kind.

            Last June I took Greg Hardin to his eye doctor and I got a new pair then. Greg said you know the guy that owns the eyeglass store. I got a good deal and they were corrected but by now they are failing again so this afternoon I am seeing a cataract especially at Hoopes Vision.

            Greg is well. His dog Sam died last June and is buried in his back yard. He got a companion dog for his other dog so he still has two. I don’t hear from him often but he did want your address so he can send you a Christmas card.  You know how he is.

             Surprisingly Amy Barry and he have become close and they do things together. Once every few months they come to my place to watch a movie on the big screen. I made her a huge carrot cake for her birthday that she loved.

            Tomorrow is the last day of the Sugar House Farmers market. It had moved to a pavilion in Sugar House Park. The last time I talked to her she was asking if I had seen any paperwork on the trailer you had bought because she was trying to get rid of it.

            Marty moved out of Century 30 in June and I came over with the truck to help but he mainly wanted to give me boxes and stuff of yours. I stayed friends with him on FB until July and then unfriended him because I thought it was time to move on and let him move on.

            Chuck keeps up with him, however. He quit Old Navy and is working at the Oasis Veggie Restaurant. Last I heard he had a new boyfriend so  end of that chapter.

 

            Deb and Carla broke up last summer for good and Deb moved out down to Sandy where she has a new girlfriend. I talked to her at the Pink Dot event a few weeks ago. I could tell she was still broken hearted. She nearly cried when I hugged her.

            She still worries about Carla and the dogs but knew it was time to leave. She said that she didn’t think she and her new girlfriend will last because they are so different but at least she is out and about and making new friends. She doesn’t go much to the South Valley Unitarians much anymore either.

            I saw Michael Ferguson and his cute partner Seth Anderson at the Pink Dot Event too. They have been together now almost a year and had gone to Japan together. Michael asked about you and said if I ever did hear from you to say hi.

            The Salty Gossip folded last July… I guess bitchiness has a shelf life.  Fernando Noriega has become a lot friendlier to me. He reorganized The Gay Hot Spot and I think he may be the sole owner now. I never hear anything from the other guy.  Fernando invites me to all his events but I am way pass all that but am grateful for the invite.

            Eric Ethington has dropped from his position on being on the A list after being a campaign manager for Jim Dabakis. Jim was not happy at all that Eric was promoting himself rather than Jim. But Jim did get elected chair of the State Democratic Party and he loves it using that position as a bully pulpit.

            Last summer your sister texted me saying she was so excited that Jim Dabakis posted a comment on her Face book page! I guess I was the only one in Bountiful she could tell who would appreciate it LOL…. Jim has introduced me to Fred Karger at the HRC dinner and to Scott Howell at Pink Dot as the “Gay Historian of Utah”… lol… I also got to meet Barney Frank last month when he came to Salt Lake.  Does prison spare you from a lot of the politicking?   

 I have not heard from Zach Seach since I unfriended him last May. He stayed here a year ago and was going to move in but after dealing with his alcoholism, smoking, and his bringing every stray cat through the door I said no. He then went off to San Francisco for a month with some Sugar Daddy who dumped him after a month. He kept in touch with Chuck Whyte for some strange reason but he knew that I was on to him…

He was on some patch that he had to wear for some recovery of drug addiction.            He was always making snide remarks about his being Republican and when he boasted on my Face book that he told all his family in Wisconsin to vote for Scott Walker. I was done with him and blocked him. I can tolerate lots of faults but being a Republican isn’t one of them.   I still have some of his clothes and shoes here, however.

            Chuck Whyte is doing okay. He is organizing a Fun Bus to Wendover as a charity event for the Court’s Annual AIDS Christmas Fund. The Court gives out $100 to people with AIDS for Christmas. They’ve Been doing it for at least 20 years. He’s on a tight budget having been out of work for over a year…once a week I take him to Chuck A Rama or a Chinese Buffet to fill his tank up.  He packs it away like hadn’t eaten for days.

            Your friend David Van Patton calls me about once a month at the end of the month asking for help. He runs out of food and I use to give him groceries but now I just give him money and let him buy what he likes not what I think he should have.  I think his mental illness is getting worse from reading some of his posting on Face book. What a sad character in deed.

            That NAMI group you facilitated was taken over by this Gay Mexican kid and he soon started posting everything in Spanish so the Gay group disappeared. Greg is working for NAMI about 16 hours a week and getting paid.

            Charles Frost and I have become best friends and we say that is the best thing that came out of that debacle… so good can come out of anything.  We talk daily and he comes over about every other week to sit in the hot tub and we gossip and catch up on all the news.

            Charles was hired at the Utah Pride Center as a director of events. He hates Valarie who is an autocratic alpha lesbian. She will not delegate in the slightest anything…She is way past her shelf life…she dislikes the Gay men community and hates the lesbian community. She and Brandi Balkin are bitter enemies LOL.

            I took her to task last Pride Day for making an announcement that the Pride Center was 20 years old when in fact it was founded in 1991 which I have been trying to tell them for years. Of course she blew me off until Jim Dabakis jumped into the fray and told Valarie in no uncertain terms that what Ben says about our history should be taken as the gospel.

            Well Valarie back peddled like crazy, tried to take me to dinner to make nice but I would have nothing do with it… I’m still upset that she gave herself the Kristen Ries Community Service Award this year! She gets a salary! You don’t get a community volunteer award for that!  I boycotted the Grand Marshall Reception because of it…

            Any way Charles was going to honor me at the Sage’s Summer Garden Party with a Life Time Achievement Award when Valerie told him to hold off because she was going to give me the award at the National Coming Out Day Banquet…Well just before the banquet she tells Charles that they are going to give the award to Jim Dabakis ,  because Jim’s so pissed at Valerie and had dropped out spearheading the fundraising committee for the new $3 million Center that Valarie is trying to get built…So I was dumped so that  Jim could be schmoozed…

            Charles was furious but I made him promise not to tell Jim Dabakis because he would have gone ape shit and awards are meaningless anyway …contributing is what counts… although I was steamed, I still wrote a timeline the center asked me to do to use at the Banquet…I worked 3 days to get it done to meet their deadline and then only to find out from Charles that Valerie didn’t even use it!

            And Jon Jepsen who asked me to do it didn’t even have the balls to tell me it wasn’t used! And yesterday these same people asked me to put together a list of Kristen Ries Recipients! I guess he has the balls to do that!  Of course I will because principles over personalities…

            So how has your day been? LOL

 I started my book on the History of the Gay community in Utah last summer. I got the 1950’s done but have stalled with school starting back up.  Jim and Charles are virtually threatening me to tie me to a chair if I don’t get the book written.

            I don’t have any photograph paper to make pictures of the pups like you asked but I will get some this week. I have the color printer back. Marty gave it to me so that should make good copies… [We paid enough for it]

            I am still babysitting Coco and she is still a little pill but Daisy and Buddy just love her… Buddy and her will just sometimes kiss for the longest and I say, “get a room”!

 

            I have pictures of us on my own computer from the 60th that I will crop and send.  I will be 62 in April. Wow!

            I don’t hear from your sister much anymore since Morgan is in Junior High… I know some of my anti-Mormon rants must cause her concern.  Well I say, “don’t be anti-Gay” and I won’t be anti-Mormon. Live and let live should be the Golden Rule.

            I am sorry you didn’t get your chocolate ice cream and gummy bears this year. Maybe next. You are still a young man. I kept that half package of bears and chocolate ice cream after you left for the longest time. It was hard to let them and the memory of you go.

            Good news I eat a lot more onions now…In fact I made a huge kettle of French Burgundy Onion Soup which was a hit with all I shared with. I would gladly stop eating onions again to see your face and hold you one more time. Well if not in this life maybe the next.

            I make Chili Verde now and then and usually end up giving it away to Mike. Sometimes my food goes bad before I can use it up. Oh how I miss feeding you and you being fussy, but that’s neither here or there now.

            I don’t make pot roast anymore. That was kind of our thing…and I have a turkey in the freezer I bought last year before you were arrested in hopes we might have made amends…Now I guess I will cook it for the dogs and say, “Happy Thanksgiving”.

            I am so glad that you are using your intellect to help tutor… I hope you are now understanding what a gift you had been given…your keen intellect…I hope you can get all the help you need while incarcerated to become as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside…Time will fade beauty but your intellect will only grow more radiant.

            Do you remember when we were so angry with each other when I took exception to you calling me a bigot and then you contritely came with a dictionary and said you were just one word off and then you pointed out “Big-hearted”? You are so clever and witty…

            All I asked you to do, if you recall, was “be good”.

            How much have you saved for a deposit on a television for your cell? Let me know the difference and I will see what I can do. I was worried that they might take all the money I send you away for restitution which we all want paid but I am glad that the little it is, is going to you for personal hygiene, popcorn, and chocolate licorice.

            I think I would have to be locked up to get off my diet cokes… every time I walk by the Dr. Peppers I think of the little time we had together as a family…I never thought of you as just a friend…never did. You were too close to my heart.

            I guess I will get ready to go see the eye doctor and hopefully fix them, thus  I will close saying no matter what anyone says about us…our relationship is ours and no one else… for better or worse.

            I hope you will spend the rest of your life doing good and being that man you always wanted to be who deserves a family and respect… though you know by now I will always be your family … whatever that means to you. With Great Love and Affection Ben

 

19 October 2012 Friday

This morning my blood sugars was 145 so it’s like a fucking roller coaster. Productive day. I took Chuck Whyte out for breakfast at CJ’s then came home to mow the lawn but I was out of gas so when I started up the truck the battery went dead.

            So called Triple A again and Jardine Services came out again and put a battery in the truck for $97.94. I can’t beat that… a mechanic would have charged $25 for labor alone. So that was kind of an unexpected expense.

            I pulled up all the squash plants and cleaned out the bed. In the afternoon I went and got a haircut finally so lots of little things got done.

            I had fun at Bingo and SAGE raised about a $1000... Not too many in costume...Charles Lynn Frost was a cute fireman and I brought out “Soddy Mae Butts”.. Sister Missionary for the Church of Judy Garland of Fabulous Queers!

            I won a pastry loaf as a prize as a crowd favorite...I haven't worn the outfit in six years but I can finally fit back into the Red Skirt. LOL

            A woman came up to me and asked if I was Ben Williams who writes the history column for the Q...she said she loved my articles...that was flattering. I was going to go to the "Bearacudda" at the Jam but the cover was $8 so decided not to go because I was still really tired from the escapade I had at 2 am this morning.

 

20 October 2012 Saturday

It is Randy Giles birthday and was a busy day...

            I made my grandpa's chili and some cornbread. Connell O'Donovan came over to set up a Utah Radical Faerie Tribe Face book Page and this evening Bill Poore came over to watch a movie on the big screen since I canceled the Great Basin Bad Boys Fall get together because everyone had bailed but Bill and Charles. He brought a cheese pizza from the Pie and I made some zucchini bread. He loved the chili and I said it was a family recipe.

            We watch “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” featuring Judy Densch and Maggie Smith, which was excellent and should be shown at SAGE.

             My blood sugar was 125 this morning. I realized that I had left my red pill box hat and the bread I won last night on the top of the Cruiser when I drove off last night…Oh well nothing lasts forever.

 

21 October 2012 Sunday

My blood sugars this morning was 425. Ugh probably from the pizza I had yesterday. I Pick up my drugs at Smiths including some new insulin and some testosterone that I have to inject in me every three weeks. Ugh. 

        Its clouding up like it might rain. The forecasters say rain is coming all next week so I have me a kettle of minestrone soup cooking on the stove...I used up Charles Lynn Frost's left over wine that was nice and dry by pouring it in the soup...bubble, bubble, toil and trouble... my' witches brew has zucchini, fresh tomatoes, carrots, peas, onions, mushrooms, kidney beans, pasta, and beef! I've got magick abba ka zabba kazoo.

        Since starting up the Faerie’s Face Book page, 29 people have asked to joined.

 

22 October 2012 Monday

Today is my niece Denise 41st birthday. I had to messenger her to about the Sallie Mae debt she still owes that is delinquent and they are sending me bills because I cosigned for her about 10 years ago.

The weather is getting really fall like now and when school was out a big storm started blowing in whipping the leaves all about.

 

I went to my credit union after work to see what to do with my Horace Mann life insurance policy that I am dropping after all these years. There's no money coming to me from it and what do I care if there's money after I drop dead? So that's taking care of.

Now I need to get more information about the eye surgery. Bill Poore said not to spend $5000 on my eye surgery implants because I could buy a lot of glasses for the rest of my life if it came to that.  I just want to be able to see clearly again.

The presidential 3rd debate is going on and I watched a few minutes of it and then gave up... I know who I am voting for and I am tired of the bickering... I wish Obama could just knock Romney on his ass.

My blood sugars were crazy to day and I didn't eat much at all. This morning they were over 300 so I just had coffee and for lunch it was just some salami, cheese, and crackers and when I tested when I got home it was still 285...

It started to rain as I went to bed.

 

23 October 2012 Tuesday

This morning at 3, I was woken by the loudest thunder clap and it poured down rain accompanied with rolling thunder.

The day started off poorly when I was late to work because I couldn’t locate my wallet and keys this morning. I had left them in the car of all places.

The kids were really antsy today because of the weather but thank goodness no indoor recess. I really got after my kids this afternoon. Sometimes I just want to give up...Some of my students don’t care about school at all and have no support at home. Some of them are just plain lazy.

This one boy has not tested at all to meet his reading goal and this one boy smelled so bad that after school I told him to wear clean clothes and to bathe. Another of my students told me her brother ran away from home and I found out her father deserted the family on Friday leaving mom with a new born baby and four other kids… And all the legislators care about is test scores on which to grade a teacher's performance and to give pay raises.

I swear that the evil Republican legislators in this state are making teaching so difficult that no one will stay long enough to ever receive a pension any more. Teachers will be turning over every few years due to burn out… And there won't be any long term experienced teachers anymore.

 

24 October 2012 Wednesday

I've been eating minestrone soup as that my sugars are so out of whack. I am having to up my insulin and watch what I eat. It was 160 this morning and 350 now before going to bed...It’s crazy. I have been injecting myself with 100 units of insulin and taking 4 metformin pills a day and 4 cinnamon capsules.

I had an English muffin this morning, about six crackers at lunch... two small slices of toasts with my soup this evening and some corn chips and salsa. But I may have to give up my corn chips and salsa.

I might even have to have the bypass because losing weight isn't cutting it.  But got to get my eyes fixed first.

So I ate some homemade Minestrone Soup with warm Italian bread for dinner... It was heaven on this wet damp evening.

I Stayed up way too late until 11:00 watching a good autobiography of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz called “Lucy” on Netflix.

 

25 October 2012 Thursday

It snowed in Bountiful for most of the day but I don’t think any came to the house. Charles Frost and Doug Lott returned from their vacation to Moab and said he’s making chili to share with me. 

It’s wild and wicked looking outside this evening...wind whipping around dark clouds... its Halloween weather and chilly 35 degrees! My deck is muddled with damp leaves so it’s a mess...But I am making homemade chicken soup and my blood sugars are down for today so grateful for little things...

I went to American First to have my Visa Card payments automatically withdrawn. I thought I had already but I had a late notice.

Brandon Burt called and asked if I wanted to go to a play that he has to review for the City Weekly. It’s Lion in Winter.

 

26 October 2012 Friday

I tested my blood this morning and it was 95! Hardly could believe it since I don’t think I ever had it that low.  Kids were excited today with Halloween coming on, and tonight was the school carnival. Had to get after two boys taking this one girl’s coat and getting it wet. She’s not a high functioning girl and no one treats her nice.

There was frost on the ground this morning so it must have frozen last night. I need to clean my deck it’s a mess from all the rain and wet leaves from this week. That’s my chore for this week.

After work I met Mike Romero and we went to Chuck a Rama for dinner. It was shrimp night and we were in the mood for fish. I just had a salad and plenty of shrimp and fish but stayed away from the breads and desserts so even though I ate a lot I was careful what I was eating.

Got home about 6 to feed the dogs and then just stayed in for the evening watching Hulu Plus and Netflix before heading to bed about 10:00. The days are getting shorter and shorter.

 

27 October 2012 Saturday

I tested my blood sugars this morning. The Meter read 125 so that’s not bad after all the shrimp I ate yesterday... blood sugars back to normal...  It’s Chuck Whyte’s birthday today and he is off to Wendover for his fun bus fund raiser for the People With AIDS Christmas Fund that the Royal Court is sponsoring. He’s only going to make a few hundred from what he says after all the work he put into it.

I am going to have to pay Denise Wach’s Sallie Mae loan again… because she’s late… Ugh oh well I paid a hell of a lot more for Kyle and Denise did make mom’s last days happier so that is something.

 

I guess Michael Aaron is giving up his Sugar House office for the Q and everyone will be working out of their houses to save money…Oh well…Michael was kind of a shit to Chuck Whyte over using the name Fun Bus to promote the AIDS Christmas Fund…

I saw that my article is out in the Q finally. Seems strange to wait a month in between.

 I had two sausages, two scrambled eggs, and two small slices of toast with butter and marmalade for breakfast although Buddy got one of my sausages and one of my toasts.  That’s my doggie diet.

I really cleaned the house today especially the front room which wasn’t all that used but polished dusted and shined the wooden floors. I brought in all the plants from outside now that it’s freezing at night. I have had my geraniums now for almost two years.

I finally got rid of all the leaves off the deck and around the hot tub so things are starting to look presentable again.

Asian ginger chicken for lunch with a wine cooler and a soak in the hot tub... Ahhh life is good ... Grateful for life's simple pleasures...

In the evening Terry my Korean trick from Provo called and said he was coming up about 11 to spend the night. This will be the first time I have slept all night with someone in a very long time. I only agreed because I haven’t had morning sex in years and I miss it.

In the news an effigy of Obama is lynched by Romney supporters in Orangeville Utah and the Mayor or police won't take it down until the owners of the property can be contacted! It’s an outrage.

 

28 October 2012 Sunday

Terry, my Korean trick, left about 5:30 this morning and I was so tired for the rest of the day. I learned that I can’t sleep with anyone any more. I am too restless and uncomfortable. Terry is a nice lover but I just am not that attracted to Asians and I think it has to do with pheromones. Not sure what else it would be.

It’s a pretty day in the neighborhood...I made some Chili Verde and an apple Betty dessert and delivered some to Charles Lynn Frost and Doug Lott this morning before they got busy. They sent me home with some Red chili and some homemade chutney.

I had Chuck Whyte and Bill Poore over for Sunday dinner and we watched a movie in the theater room that was so horrible that I fell asleep; tired from last night. It was the Worse movie of the century but fortunately I fell asleep...I hate slow-paced Indy films that stretch out a half an hour premise to a hour and a half movie. I hate movies about slackers anyway and the Pacific northwest where everyone wears layers and layers and they all look like grungy dumplings...

If Romney is elected this is what you can expect... Obamacare will become Romneycare with Insurance companies back in charge. There will be more deregulation and more outbreaks of pharmaceutical mishaps. The military will get more weapons that they don't need to enrich companies like Halliburton. We will be on the verge of a nuclear war in the middle east. Russia will become the enemy again. Companies like Enron and Bain Capital will go unchecked. The middle class deductions of home mortgages will disappear. All your state income taxes and local taxes will increase.  Medicare will be severely curtailed replaced with a voucher system. Social Security will be tied to Wall Street gains and losses. Utah will have a huge influence in the Executive Branch, as ex Gov Leavitt will pick Mormons for Romney’s inner circle. Religions will get more public moneys. Gay Rights will come to a halt. Stem cell research will come to a halt.  Global Warming will increase. Women's reproductive and equality rights will come under attack.

We will be stuck with the same failed policies of every Republican President since Herbert Hoover as China takes all our money to the bank...If Romney is elected we deserve our fate. If Romney wins in November I will hold responsible the people who vote for him for ending American democracy by allowing a cabal of Billionaires to buy the Executive Office by lies and deceit with duplicity on the part of the Supreme Court and Rupert Murdock's Fox news.

The Roman Republic fell when Emperors replaced elected consuls and the Empire became to be ruled by the Emperors Praetorian Guard which deposed and chose Emperors...

If Americans allow Billionaires to pick presidents we are doomed as a nation and I am sure Gays will be blamed for moral decadence like they were blamed for the fall of the Roman Empire when it was its political decadence that destroyed the Pax Romana.

 How stupid must one be to believe that a handful of Billionaires and Millionaires are spending Hundreds of Millions of dollars to get Romney elected without expecting a profitable return on their investment?....How stupid must you be to think they are doing it for the good of the common man...

 

29 October 2012 Monday

My Blood Sugar were 95 this morning. Denise Wachs said she contacted Sallie Mae and signed up for a program that will have me off her loan by the end of the year or sooner. I paid $288 today to get her caught up and current. Mom would have wanted me to after all Denise was so good to Mom in her last days.

I cooked up some fajitas today and bought some more of those Fiji apples that were so good.

In the news Hurricane Sandy the “Frankenstorm” is hitting New Jersey and New York. It’s pretty bad but here in Utah it’s a beautiful 70 degrees although last week we had snow!

I guess Michael Aaron is shutting down his Sugar House office to save money on the Q.

If Romney is elected he will do what he does best as a venture capitalist businessman...He will drive the nation into bankruptcy and sell the assets off to China at a profit to his Billionaire overlords...

That is how he got rich...never did a lick of physical work in his life and never will.

 

30 October 2012 Tuesday

My Blood Sugars were 101  this morning. I Had to be at work early this morning because of the service project we are doing but after work I went to the Rose Park Senior Center and voted early. It Took less than 5 minutes and I didn't just punch Democrat...I looked at every candidate then voted Democrat! Even if I had to hold my nose of some of them like Scott Howell, and Peter Cooke LOL

I Voted for Ben McAdams for County Mayor and Jay Seegmiller to be my 2nd District Congressman. I Voted to give property tax breaks to service men while serving our country...It will be interested to see if that passes in Romney Country...

I hate to see all our Representatives from Utah be Tea Party ass hats but it may look that way. We better start apologizing to the rest of the country now. 

I watched Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, my all-time favorite Halloween Movie this evening...Channel 2 would always show it on Halloween on the Early Show in California when I was a kid but now I can watch it anytime.

Mitt Romney is in Dayton Ohio always out of harm’s way...Any Republican who accepts help from FEMA and votes for Romney is scum, pure scum...Let Republicans rebuild without any help from the government they so want to destroy...

If Romney and Paul Ryan were President they would be wringing their hands and saying you are on your own… Remember how George Bush responded to Katrina? "You're doing a heck of a job Brownie!"

Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen? This is a question for a LDS temple recommend... so how the hell hasn't Mitt Romney's recommend been revoked? He has been documented telling so many lies, but then what's a little fibbing when you have given millions to the LDS Corporation? Proverbs 12:22 Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord.

This is what you can expect with a Mormon Presidency as we Gentiles living in Utah know all too well. Mormonism is not just a religion it's a theocracy and philosophy that Mormons are better people than anyone else especially if born under the Covenant to LDS parents.... this mind set is so pervasive but only works if Mormons are in the majority and in power. You know Romney will surround himself with Mormons in his inner circle... because to everyone else, Mormon beliefs are weird...

Former Governor Mike Leavitt has already been chosen to head a "transition team". How many Gay people will make the cut? Mitt Romney gave the Mormon Church millions of dollars through Bain Capital in stock holdings so they could also profit from Bain. (Bureau Investigates)

Romney gave the Mormon church the following stocks between the years of 1999 to 2009 when he claimed he have quit Bain Capital, as their CEO, and was running for President: 1 million dollars’ worth of Domino Pizza shares (DPZ)     and 2 million dollars of Burger King shares (BKW)

Romney claims he was “not” running Bain Capital but we are to believe he was giving Bain stocks to the Mormon Church. In this way, the Mormon church could buy and sell stocks, legally without paying any capital gain taxes, and this benefits the church but also Mitt Romney. THIS WHY MITT WON'T SHOW HIS TAXES

 

31 October 2012 Wednesday

Blood sugars were 99 this morning. I bought glaze donuts and a huge bag candy for the kids Halloween party put on its the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown and Walt Disney Halloween Donald Duck cartoons with Witch Hazel and called it good... I am waaaay over Halloween now ! Bring on the turkeys!

It is a beautiful warm day 75 degrees. The kids should have no trouble trick or treating even if it’s a school night. The harvest moon is waning but still beautiful.

 I got a letter from Kyle today. Mixed feelings because at one point he wanted me to get copies of the articles he wrote for the Q when I know he didn’t write them. I sent him $200 so he can have a television in his cell… Stupid I know but what can I do…I love him.

 

 

November

1 November 2012 Thursday

We had our Discovery gateway program today which teaches kinds about chemical and physical reactions which is in our 5th grade core. Cooler today than yesterday but still a very pretty fall day.

I talked to Bill Poore a lot this evening. I called him to see how he was doing since he has the Shingles. We ended talking a lot about Kyle Foote…He was surprised that I hadn’t told Charles Frost that I have been in contact with Kyle. I guess I just don’t want to have him worry about me.

I told Bill that I am going to confront Kyle about him asking me to retrieve the articles he had placed in the Q under mental health when he hadn’t written them. May be concern that he’s playing a game again. The only way I can deal with Kyle is if he’s truthful with me.

I wrote Kyle:

Dear Kyle, I got your letter on Halloween. Pleasant surprise after dealing with the hyper kids all day with it being Halloween and all. My first school term is over this Friday so time is starting to pass.

I don’t know if I told you that I went into Hoopes Vision and had an eye examination and found two cataracts so I have to go in for surgery  this month and next month.  They wanted to do some implants that would give me 20/20 vision for near sighted as well as far sighted but insurance wouldn’t cover it so I decided not to have that done. It was $5,000 beyond the surgery. I can buy a lot of glasses for that kind of money.

My blood sugars are under control again. For the past week they have been under 100. They were as high as 300-400 in the middle of October.

Last week it was cold and rainy and snowy but the weather this week is perfect. It was 75 degrees on Halloween.  The dogs and I just turned off the lights and watched an old classic Agatha Christie mystery  Ten Little Indians.

Got my voting done early on last Tuesday. By next Tuesday we should know who the president will be. I guess you heard Romney is lying through his teeth in Ohio about Jeep jobs going to China. Even Chrysler had to assure its employees that it was a lie.

 Sounds like you have your hands full with your classes in STRIVE. You are a natural teacher.  I am glad you are writing down goals for your “Plan for a Meaningful Life”. I am sure in the monk like existence of Prison you have time to reflect on what is of true value and what is temporary. It’s like the difference between Glamour and Beauty… Character is the one thing that is more important than all else. Love can be truly freely given but trust must be earned.

My mom told me that to be trusted is a greater honor than to be loved when I was young and a beloved neighbor said to me once, “ A man is only as good as his word.”  Our word is the only currency that matters.

 I am glad you have a friend in Todd Milliner who is willing to be a mentor to you in your classes. You can learn from anyone.  If you want to send me a copy of the course I will keep it safe with your belongings.

Amy said that the Sugar House Farmer’s Market had a good season but it’s iffy if they can pull it together for next year. There are so many Farmer Markets now. Charles Frost and I usually went every Saturday to the market in Murray Park. That was my favorite. But all the markets are closed now.

I have most of your things Kyle because your sister said that Steve didn’t want them stored at their place. I cleaned off a shelf in the garage to stack the boxes and brought other things into the downstairs bedroom. Your birth certificate, military papers, and personal papers, and photographs I did give to Jami to keep for you because wasn’t sure if you ever wanted to hear from me again.

I did give your Kindle to Greg.  I would never use it and he was telling me last summer about wanting to buy one so I just gave it to him. I figured Greg had been good to you. By the time you are out they will be obsolete anyway.

Everyone is going with the I-Pad or mini I Pad or the Tablets. I have your Apple laptop. I also have all your suits and clothes but I will give them to charity if that is what you want. I want to save a suit or two for you however when you get out so you can look for work.  That is if you don’t buff up and can’t fit into them… We don’t stay young forever.

I went ahead and sent you money for the deposit for the television. Call it an early Xmas present…or may be after I tell you this you might not want to hear from me again.

Kyle I am really concerned that you would ask for copies of the articles that Michael Aaron printed that was attributed to you.  You know as well as I do that you paid a ghost writer to write those articles. You didn’t write ten articles on mental health you paid Patricia Kettle to write them for you. I can only imagine that you did it as part of the compulsion you had to be noticed.

 In your first letter you said you still realize you had a disease. Showing the board articles that you did not write is not honest. If you truly are to get well you must be honest in all your dealings no matter how painful.  I know this might make you angry or even disappointed but I love you and can’t be complicit in helping you deceive.

If you haven’t thrown this letter away by now, I think education might be a good career move IF you really care for people and deep in your core I think you do.  Have you considered a Special Education Teaching Degree? Or School Counselor? I think you would like that more than being a classroom teacher.

Special Education teachers are in high demand and you are already using some of that skill. You work in smaller groups and more one on one. You wouldn’t have to major in Science or Math either your killer subject.

Kyle I am still going to send you small sums of money each month whether you block me again or not.  You will always mean so much to me even with all your faults… I know most of them now but I still see the good in you. I see the boy, the Eagle Scout, the Air Force service man, a community builder….

We shared only a year together but the memory will last me a life time… I miss you still.  I still walk by the lazy boy and see your image sitting there typing some scheme on your computer with Smokey on the leg rest, while watching TV and I still want to walk by and grab your toe and give it a tug.   But life goes on with us or without us….

Be good and do good. With Great Love and Affection Ben

 

2 November 2012 Friday

We had Ballet West come to our school for an assembly and the boys sure were cute otherwise not much to mention this end of the first term. The results of our school’s mock election were announced with 47 percent for Romney and 41 percent for Obama... It didn't surprise me that Romney won but it did surprise me that he only won by 47 this being Bountiful and Mormon country.

After work I left early to go get my testosterone shot at the Redwood Clinic. It was relatively painless with a nurse doing it so instead of me doing it I am just going to make a standing appoint for a nurse to give me the shot.

Afterwards I went to Deseret Industries and bought a shelf to hang in the kitchen and an end table for the movie room. 

I forgot to test my blood this morning so tested it in the afternoon and it was back up to 250. Weird.

In the evening I went with Brandon Burt to Midvale to see a production of “Lion in Winter” that he was reviewing for the City Weekly. The acting was fairly good but I was disappointed in the directing that made the actors saying most of their lines to be funny or sarcastic which really down played the pathos of the play… But Brandon thought it was fantastic so what do I know?

 

3 November 2012 Saturday

My blood sugars were 110 this morning before eating. In the afternoon picked up Chuck Whyte and we went to Red Lobster and we had the “all you can eat” shrimp platter... Brook Heartsong sent him a gift card for $25 so he wanted to treat me but I knew two people can’t eat at Red Lobster for $25. I was right because the bill came to $37 and with the tip I paid $15 for my “free” meal but  it was good.

After coming home I went out to take a dip in the hot tub and was surprised that the water was only tepid and this message FLO was flashing. I removed the filter and got my obstructions out and filled the hot tub up more but it still says FLO... I guess I will have to call a service man in to look at it.

In the evening had a nice Samhain gathering at Connell O’Donovan’s place where he had set up an altar.. we smudged, we smooched, we shared our hearts and then we parted. Merry Meet Merry Part and Merry Meet Again...

In attendance was Mariposa (Walter Larabee) Griffin Brother John (John Crapeau) Connell the Barbarian (Connell O'Donovan) a young man named Jake Garber, and myself Gayflower... however after the circle closed Tracy Aviary (Greg Harden) and his friend Scott Patterson came and we schmoozed. Good energy... Next Gathering will be Yule.

Today ends daylight savings

 

4 November 2012 Sunday

I took the cover off the hot tub to see if I could locate the pump and let some air out of it but it looked way too complicated for me so I will have to pay for someone to come service it. I ordered a new filter, and a system flush so maybe that will help.

I watched Alice in Wonderland, the old Walt Disney Version, but other than that didn’t leave the house today…

Buddy and Daisy don't get the concept that it's Normal standard time again and I get to sleep in an hour! They want their morning treat and they want it now or Buddy says there's hell to pay... he's so bossy.

I did make an apple cobbler today that was tasty.

 

5 November 2012 Monday

My sleep schedule is all off and I got up early to go into work because we had a half day Math in-service on our teacher’s prep day. Useless and boring but I played the game. Our principal Liz Beck bought us pizza for having to go through it.

Mike Romero called today and said he had a tooth extracted and was picking up Coco early. So I didn’t have to take her home.

I’m still not finding a person to fix my hot tub. The guy that Greg Hardin’s sister Lisa suggested doesn’t work on Belize brand hot tubs and the Spa Depot doesn’t recommend service people so that was disappointing.

Charles Frost called in the evening and said he would post on Dottie Dixon’s site asking for a repairman because she has thousands of fans.

Before going to bed Adam 4 Adam was busy and Terry said he wants to see me again before going back to Korea so he is going to try and stop by this Thursday evening and this guy named Rob is coming over tomorrow for a massage but I doubt whether I will get fucked but still it may be nice.

 

6 November 2012 Tuesday

My Blood sugar was only 112 this morning after eating two slices of pizza yesterday. The new filter on the hot tub didn't do the trick...It still says FLO... who knew it would be so difficult to find a repairman? So Still no hot tub until someone comes out and service it?

            The 800 number for my Belize Brand said they don't recommend just any technicians, and another guy here in Salt Lake said he doesn't do my type of tub...

After searching and searching, Yippee, I finally found someone to come out and look at my hot the day before Thanksgiving... He was some guy I got off KSL.

After coming home from work, I wrote Kyle back:

“I got your letter Monday November 5th.  I know you must be excited to have another hurdle over with. This is the Information you need to provide for the Transcripts.  Send the information back to me and I will either call or mail your transcript requests with any required fee.”

Then this kid named Rob came over about 7:30 to get a massage. It was nice being with someone but nothing really happened. We Played around a little but no sexual intercourse. He left about 8:30 so I decided to watch some of the presidential voting results.

Then all of a sudden Ohio went for Obama and it was all over.. America, you restored my faith that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time... Unless you are from Utah then you are pretty well fooled all of the time.

Ben McAdams won County mayor and Jim Matheson barely beat out Mia Love.

My cousin Chris Johnson wrote: “As hard as it is to watch a dream die, Romney probably can't believe he wasn't able to buy the election. This is America! We worship capitalism. But even with his God's help he couldn't pull it off. Now, his chances of ever being president are about as far away as hope in a dead man's eyes.”

 

7 November 2012 Wednesday

I don't know about you but I finally feel like I woke up from a nightmare, where Billionaire old white men tried to use toothless ignorant hillbillies to dictate national policies to an amoral autocratic-theocrat to make the Billionaires richer by throwing the rights of Gays, women, and other minorities under the bus to satisfy the bigotry of the relics of the old  Confederacy. I can sleep better now without that dread hovering above me.

            Money can't buy you love and apparently it can't buy you the White House either, Koch Suckers...The Republicans raised nearly $800 million to buy the Presidency while state budgets go bankrupt for the lack of a million here or a million there for needy programs...

Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas made Citizen United happen and are all Republican appointees. Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth from Utah County is deafening ...all the prayers and fasting, and temple going, and white horse prophesying, Romney's defeat is almost as bad as BYU's butt being kicked by the University of Utah....

My God why hast thou forsaken the predominant church in Utah Valley? Maybe next time the LDS folks won't back such a lying sociopath crook just because he's rich, a Republican and comes from Mormon Royalty... Nah won't happen.... Mormons may live in their own little version of reality but thank God the rest of America believes in Equality and Progress and the Constitution...

I am rallying around the flag boys this morning shouting the Battle Cry of Freedom! G'OBAMA!!! and Hilary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren or Tammy Baldwin in 2016! Forward America with Justice for ALL.

 I wonder how Romney feels knowing that we got the scissors now, and he's the one being chased down the hall instead of that terrorized prep school boy? Oh well he can always take a vacation oversea and visit his money or go back to Bain and terrorize Americans by shipping their jobs overseas to China.

Maybe as a consolation prize, the Mormons will call Brother and Sister Romney to be a Mission President... Siberia or Nome Alaska would be a good choice and THANK GOD Paul Ryan can go back to being the Dweeb from Wisconsin.

 

8 November 2012 Thursday

I am on a doggy diet... I take a bite of my English Muffin and then Buddy thinks he should have a bite and then I can't let Buddy have some without giving some to Daisy and then of course Coco thinks she is entitled too so I am eating a fourth these days Don't Cry For Me Utah County....the truth is I never left.... (Still gloating over the people who in 2004 voted to enshrine a second class status in the Utah Constitution for me, my friends, and the people I love)Okay I am done gloating... but God did it feel good while it lasted...

Winds are howling tonight storm coming in tomorrow but can hardly complain when it was 72 degrees today! Well at least the wind will strip the remaining leaves before winter really gets here...

My Korean fuck buddy Terry came over this evening again at 9 and we fucked until about 11. I am going to be wiped out tomorrow.

 

9 November 2012 Friday

Jim Dabakis is running for Ben McAdams old seat in Senate District 2. What a difference a day makes...yesterday 72 degrees and today 30...It snowed most of the day a wet heavy snow. Stressing out about parent teachers conferences next week. Really not prepared. Came home and made French Burgundy Onion soup...that hit the spot....Grateful for a warm dry place to lay my head... I got a letter from Kyle today. He said he was sorry that he had tried to bullshit me. I thought he really would not want to hear from me again.

            A Letter from Kyle Foote dated 7 November 2012 arrived today;

“Dear Ben, I just got your letter from Nov 1st today. First of all, thank you for calling me on my bullshit. I need that. Secondly I’m not going to stop writing you or block you again just because you were forward with me. Hell, I can’t remember half of my lies so somebody needs to point them out. The only thing I want your complicity in is supporting me on a path of improvement. So thanks you for confronting me. (I am still curious about how things are going for the Q and if you are still writing for them?)

 I am glad to hear you are able to have your cataracts taken care of at Hoopes Vision. Is it a safe procedure? How long  will it take for your eyes to heal? I’m also very glad to hear about your blood sugars, 300 t0400 is way too high. Do your best to stay healthy. You have a lot of life left to live.

            Yesterday was election day and what a night it was! Todd Mulliner and I watched the results come in. Democrats did very well and we even have an out lesbian in the U S Senate! Not to mention the legalization of Gay marriage in two states by popular vote. All in all I’m very pleased with how things turned out.

            Thank you for storing my things. I had just assumed they were at your place since Jami danced around the subject the few times I made inquiries. You can do it as you see fit since it all represents a former life that I can’t go back to. I need to look forward, not back.

I am surprised to hear that she does in fact have my birth certificate because she said she didn’t have that. I hear very little from Jami actually. I think it’s been over two months now since she last wrote me. I wrote her towards the end of September around the time I first wrote you and she still hasn’t replied to that letter. I don’t know if or when she might write me again. She just doesn’t seem to want to be a part of my life (which I’m okay with).  The not knowing why she doesn’t write or if she’s going to again is painful.

In some ways I wish she just would write and tell me she prefers to end correspondence altogether so that we can both move on with our lives. I think we are both kidding ourselves if we think we’ll ever have an any kind of meaningful relationship. Maybe I’ll write and ask her to return my important papers to you for safe keeping instead. I just don’t know what to do.

             I appreciate your input on my becoming a teacher when I get out of here. I’ve always wanted to teach true it was college and not public schools, but I’ve really enjoyed teaching students here in a way I didn’t expect. The reason I suggested math or science in particular is because I suspect it will be a challenge to get a job with a criminal history so if I choose a subject that has a big demand it will make getting hired on more likely. Do you know or perhaps can find out which subjects so in fact have the highest demand? I think I would enjoy being a resource teacher, but I’m not sure about special ed. Can you send me more information on the areas you think I might be good at and that have a high demand? I recognize that I would love to teach high school history or social studies, but I’m afraid those areas are too crowded. I figure if I can get hired on, then perhaps I can switch subjects later on. I value your input on this and look forward to what you have to say. (Just because I’m weak in math and science doesn’t mean I can’t learn.)

 

            I’ll close this letter now since I want to mail it tonight. I don’t want you thinking I’m mad at you for some reason. Thank you very much for the money for my TV deposit. I didn’t expect it and it shocked me to see such a high balance on my books. I’ll be ordering it tomorrow and I’ll let you know when it comes. I really appreciate it  even if AI don’t  need to have it and probably don’t deserve it. Thank you as always for writing and keep calling me on my bullshit. Be gentle though. I am sensitive still. Love Kyle

 

10 November 2012 Saturday

I wrote Kyle Foote a long letter today and mailed it off. The Florida results finally are official and they went for Obama so the final Electoral College was 332 for Obama. 

It snowed almost all day but it was so warm on Thursday that the snow isn’t sticking on the road or sidewalks. It looks outside like I took a black and white picture because the sky is gray from the falling snow.

On Thursday it was 72 degrees! I've got tree branches down in the back yard from the weight of the wet snow. Daisy sure loves the snow. Can’t hardly get her to come in. Been snowing nearly 24 hours from the lake affect...a huge branch of my Globe Willow is broken off from the weight of the snow. 7-8 inches so far.

I made two apple pies because felt like baking...I feel the urge to cook when the snow flies although there's no one at the house to eat them anymore. So I will give one to Doug Lott, Charles Lynn Frost hubby since he loves apple pie. Maybe in heaven Charles and I can be sister wives. Charles will make martinis and I’ll do the baking... we will be ministering angels though I am not wearing gold lame' for anybody...sensible gingham is good enough for me.

It was a nasty night out coming from Charles Lynn Frost's Obama victory party which was so much fun. Lively discussion and got to meet people dear to Charles and Doug... like his daughter Rachel and friends Paul Johnson, Robert Guido, and David Wilcoxson.

 It must have snowed another 4 inches while there and road was snow packed all the way home. No one was driving more than 20 mph thank goodness. Now I have snow in my bed from two schnauzers having snow on their paws but we are all safe and warm and home this snowy, snowy night.

 

11 November 2012 Sunday

My blood sugars were 188 this morning. It snowed all night and my deck is covered again with snow. It’s 28 degrees in Salt Lake City and there's 10 inches on my deck not the 3 inches the official count says there is....Good day to stay home eat soup and watch movies...I can't see the yard damages from broken tree limbs until after the snow melts later this week.

I made some chicken soup just to be doing something and in the late morning went out and shoveled snow while it was still coming down. While Shoveling the sidewalk at noon, I was stopped by this Mungo pine tree that was bent down by the heavy snow across the sidewalk.  I planted  what I thought at the time was a mungo tree 13 years ago but as grown into a pine tree. It is  well over  across the sidewalk. I don’t know when I am going to get to taking care of it. There is so much snow.  I don't know whether I can save it but I can’t move it or try until some of the snow melts.

It's snowed another 4 inches this morning for a total of 13 inches and it’s still snowing. But the Driveway is shoveled and a layer of de-icer is put down so I am pooped....

It’s time for some homemade chicken noodle soup and a slice of apple pie... should I have hot cocoa too? Hell why not after have a tree branch dump snow on my head and all down my shirt....

I didn’t go anywhere today but just stayed and played on Face Book.

 

12 November 2012 Monday

This week is early out because of Parent Conferences which I dread. Mike Romero came over after work and helped me upright my pine tree and tie it to another tree with a rope...Yay! I wouldn't have known when I'd be able to do it this week with late parent conferences... all my dependable neighbors left me high and dry to eke out my old age the best I can, bereft of any comfort and friendly camaraderie to stave off my declining years... all alone.

         I wrote on Face book:  “To all my friends in Utah Senate District 2 please vote for Jim Dabakis. He is a proven hero to our community and is one of us. We need to put the Gay back into the state legislature and a Gay who will fight for all of us. Peter Carroon wants McAdams seat and he may be a good man but this is what he said about marriage equality "I believe traditional marriage is between a man and a woman. I also do support making sure all our citizens can work, live and support their loved ones without discrimination in our society." "Our citizens have spoken on [civil unions] through a constitutional amendment so it wouldn't be something I would pursue." Support the man who truly believes in equality like his life depends on it...Jim Dabakis!

 

13 November 2012 Tuesday

It was a late night with all the parent conferences. I didn’t get home until 8:00 and then went right to bed at 9.

            Who's all for making Salt Lake City an Independent City state? I am all for secession too.

 

14 November 2012 Wednesday

It was another long day of Parent Teacher Conferences. I Just got home from another late parent conference night...It was weird because I actually had a conference with a parent who I had taught when she was in 5th grade and I am now her daughter’s 5th grade teacher. I almost felt like I was conferencing the mother since Jackie's mother was there also... it seemed so surreal... I was flashing back when she was a little girl.... it is truly time to retire if now I am teaching the children of the children I taught.

            I fully support James Dabakis in his desire to serve the folks of Utah's 2 Senate District. We need to support people who believe in equality and who understand the unique culture of Utah... we need people like James Dabakis who has always been a beacon of light and sanity while the forces of darkness and insanity of the Eagle Forum rage against us. That may sound harsh but there's been a contracted war against Gays for 40 years in Utah and we need people with long memories to defend us not placate us.... we need, as Harvey Milk said, Gays in positions of power not just allies working on our behalf ... Gays are 10 or more of the population and we should be represented by nearly that percentage in the halls of power.

            Issues important to minorities are better served by minorities policymakers. Women know their issues better than men. Latinos and Blacks’ interests are better served by themselves and so it’s the same with Gay equality... Allies are great and needed but we are not children. We can fight for our own rights.... Jim reflects the liberal values of the 2nd District. He will do us proud.

 

15 November 2012 Thursday

Peter Carroon stated that if he is elected State Senator he will fight for an anti-discrimination law which is NOT the same as fighting for Equality. Carroon is against marriage equality and yet wants to represent a portion of Salt Lake City where a good many of the constituents are Gay and lesbian. James Dabakis will fight for anti- discrimination laws and for Equality! Carroon will represent only a fraction of District 2 who supports his religious beliefs. Dabakis will support Everyone Rights regardless of religious beliefs. Uganda officially passed Kill the Gays Bill and the UN hasn’t condemn it

 

16 November 2012 Friday

I stayed late at work to get lessons ready for my substitute for next week since I am taking off Monday and Tuesday for my eye surgery. Went with Chuck Whyte to the Sage Autumn pot luck at the Chase Mills House in the Tracy Aviary.

 

17 November 2012 Saturday

Is there a 12 step program for compulsive baking? I made a pecan pie for Doug Lott this morning, then made a batch of Chex Party mix, and now I made a batch of sticky buns...

I drove over to Mike Romero’s to deliver a plate full while they were still warm but what the hell am I supposed to do with these that are left?

I went with Charles Frost to support James Dabakis’ bid for Senate seat in District 2 at the Oyster Bar on at Market Street. There was a pretty good turnout of delegates and Charles and I went to schmooze on Jim's behalf however I think most people there were for Jim anyway.

I didn't eat anything, just had diet cokes because I didn’t want to elbow myself up to the shrimp platter but had a lovely time anyway...

 A fellow from the Avenues, Thomas Chandler, who is a retired law professor from the U, sat with us and we discussed politics and education. Since he was a delegate I let him know how great Jim is. Thomas was a great liberal and straight but I wouldn't hold that against him. LOL...There were lot of the lavender lads and lasses there as well as supportive straight allies.

In the news Canada has had same sex marriage for 12 years now...what is wrong with some Americans that they just don't get it... Legislating religious bigotry is not the American Dream of Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness... Sad that our neighbors to the north get it and we don't....

Shame on Utah for enshrining Mormon prejudice into their constitution in 2004... It took them 148 years to accept blacks... will we have to wait that long for Utah to do the right thing? The American thing!

I know some individual Mormons are very loving and kind to Gay people but that doesn't change dogma... it doesn't change the top echelon... but time will eliminate them too and progress will come.

 

18 November 2012 Sunday

My house chores are all done, cleaned out the hot tub and refilled it, blew all the leaves off the deck, chopped up the 20 tree branch that broke off the globe willow and hauled them to the curb for the city to pick up.

I then fixed a Sunday dinner of baked ham, sweet potatoes, lima beans, and baked rolls for Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte.

Bill Poore invited me to go with him to see a production of Sweeny Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street at Studio 115 up at the U of U. There was lots of young people and the first thing I noticed was the smell of young testosterone in the hall way. It Took me right back to my college days.

The best performance I saw all year was the U"s musical theater production of Sweeney Todd...I was half expecting a nice rendition but I was blown away by the vocals and talent of the entire cast especially Karlie Rose Lowery who played Mrs. Lovett as well as Joseph Bosteder who played Sweeney Todd.

I would go see anything these two were in... It was an excellent staging in a small space.... If you missed it you missed some fine musical theater.

 

19 November 2012 Monday

I am a little tired from my late night escapade…but since Andy called and said he couldn’t make it I am glad I got plowed even if it wasn’t the best.

The city came by early this morning to haul the tree branches away… Surprised that they were so prompt.

I wrote Kyle today and mailed off his requests for transcripts for him. Well I cooked up a turkey I had in the freezer from last year and it turned out all pretty and golden brown then I turned it into dog food...

I realized I hate cooking a turkey and worse I hate stripping the meat off the carcass. This is my last turkey I will ever cook...been cooking them for over 30 years and I ain't cooking them no more! I don't even like Turkey that much... I gave half to Michael Romero but the rest is going to my hounds...They like turkey.

Well I had Connell O'Donovan over to finish off the leftovers from the Sunday ham dinner and he was all jazzed because he's researching whether Mormon missionaries baptized “We'wha” the famous Zuni two spirit man/woman in the 19th century. We is history geeks...

This is the letter I wrote to Kyle;

“Hope this letter finds you in good spirits. I got your letter Friday but am just getting around to taking care of your transcript requests since most places were closed over the weekend.  I am sending Westminster’s and Utah Valley University’s requests in the mail when I post this letter. I haven’t contact Phoenix yet but will tomorrow.

The day got away from me. I had to do a lot of phone calling for my cataract surgery tomorrow. Maybe my next letter I won’t have to print so large so I can see what I am writing. It’s going to cost me nearly $2,000 to get one eye done because I have a Thousand deductible, but my left eye I am having done in December shouldn’t cost as much because my deductible will have been paid for the year.

Charles Frost is taking me down to St. Marks and will stay with me. I baked Doug Lott a pecan pie on Saturday to say thanks.

All last week was parent conference and I was exhausted with late nights but on Friday night went to Charles’ SAGE pot luck at the Tracey Aviary. Speaking of Tracy Aviary, Greg adopted two dogs of a friend of his from a friend of his that died and additionally he has two puppies so he has 6 dogs now! Daisy, Sally, Joe Salmon’s dogs Blue and Caspar, and two pups Harley and Marley. How he will feed all of them I don’t know.

It was a handful with Smokey, Priscilla, Daisy and Buddy and they were small.  His big heart couldn’t let Joe’s dogs be separated. I guess he was dead for 4 days before someone found him and Blue and just stood guard over the body the whole time.

Greg says Blue is adapting to Sally and Daisy but Caspar is depressed and won’t eat.  That’s my greatest fear that I might die before Buddy and Daisy and they get separated.

I saw Eric Ethington at Jim Dabakis Senate kickoff party at the Oyster Bar. I hadn’t seen him for over a year. He’s put on at least 30 lbs. He Didn’t say too much to me. Jim had a reception for the delegates who will replace Ben McAdams senate seat in district 2.

I’m not a delegate but Jim always wants me at these things for some reason. The last time I was at the Oyster bar was with you at another of Jim’s functions.  I didn’t eat a bite but just drank diet cokes…I am not a high falutin’ Oyster Bar kind of guy. Lot of twinks where there with their daddies to gobble enough for me anyway LOL.

I Spent all my time talking to this Thomas Chandler a retired U of U Law Professor. I know how to schmooze and since he was a delegate I talked up Jim to him.

I went to a play Sunday with Bill Poore. You never met him. He’s an associated theater teacher-Director at the U of U. He likes me because I am opinionated like he is and old school.  He worked on Torch Song Trilogy with Harvey Fierstein so he regales me with all the notables he met while working on Broadway.

Anyway we went and saw a student production of Sweeney Todd and those kids were every bit as good as anything I had ever seen. I saw Alexis Baige there with a new boyfriend.

Don’t know much more to write. I have all this week off. Tomorrow Chevy will groom the dogs and Wednesday the Hot Tub repair guy is supposed to come out in the afternoon. Sure will be nice to get that working again. I drained the water and refilled it…burr the water was chilly.

Well I am glad you will be getting your television so I guess that will be almost like a Christmas present. Love you always Ben

 

20 November 2012 Tuesday

Early this morning I had several guys from the Adam 4 Adam hook up site wanting to come over and play but I had no time…That’s the way it goes. Yesterday when I could have played all day, no one contacted me.

I Had my eye surgery at 12:30 today at St. Marks by Dr. Phillip Hoopes of Hoope’s Vision. My good friend Charles Frost is being an angel of mercy and took me down. He stayed with me at St Marks hospital for the procedure. I was told after my eye surgery today that I can't lift anything over 50 lbs. for some reason. I’ve had no food or water since midnight.

The  $1000 deductible with the 20 percent co pay is making this procedure a hit to the pocket book but I am lucky to have insurance at all and I do need all the film scraped off my windshield so I can see again lol. 

The procedure was amazingly pain free and simple. I don’t think I was in the operating room more than 20 minutes and I was able to see out of my right eye immediately. Everything looked crystal clear.

It was a really good experience and I only wish now I had planned to have my left eye done sooner.

At home from surgery I felt a little wobbly but I can see again out of the one eye however I washed Daisy's butt for Stephen Bolinder who came to groom the dogs at 4:00. Mike Romero came and picked up Coco afterwards as I was still too woozy from the anesthesia to drive,

Well today is also my Grandma and Grandpa Johnson’s 91st wedding anniversary. I will probably live to see their hundredth.

I thought about the kids performing the Animals First Thanksgiving today but not much…I am glad to be having all this time off.

 

21 November 2012 Wednesday

Charles Frost took me down to Sandy to see Dr. Hoopes and for me to pay a bill. It is Gorgeous weather and we talked about Trans issues since this is Tranny Month.

The appointment didn’t take but 20 minutes and everything seems to be healing fine.  I have 20/20 vision out of my right out but I am little cockeyed because my left eye is near sighted and my right eye is far sighted and I have no near vision at all. I definitely need reading glasses. It’s Strange that after 50 years of near sightedness I am now far sighted.

Well about 11 this morning  Andy finally came over. He’s a handsome thing; hairy chest and body the way I love it but he isn’t available for a boyfriend so I gave him a good massage, blow job and then he fucked me. I took a shower and he went back to work…

$500 later my hot tub is working again. The heat pump was bad so with parts and labor and more chemicals it all adds up... It’s up to 56 degrees now yippee.  It’s on its way.

 

22 November 2012 Thursday

I spent Thanksgiving eating Split pea soup, summer sausage and cheddar cheese, crackers, Chex party mix, pickles, olives, crusty bread, pumpkin pie and drinking rum and coca cola  while watching Divine and Tab Hunter in Lust in the Dust.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Many of us of a certain age know exactly where we were and what we were doing on this day in 1963

Gave it my best attempt to mingle today. I went to Tryangles for the post-Thanksgiving get together but there's about 8 people there and none whom I knew and a huge screen football game was blaring that was really annoying me... So I guess no one I knew was coming so I headed back home ... Oh well.

 

This is a letter dated the 17th I received from Kyle Foote:

“Dear Ben, The teacher I work for is named Jana Young. She has been teaching here since this prison opened 22 years ago. I’ve been learning an awful lot from her and not just about English. For instance did you know that the real reason Hillary was mad about Bill diddling around with Monica was because she wanted Monica for herself? Bill and Chelsea are just an elaborate cover up for Hillary’s lesbianism. I also found out the real reason behind Obama’s reelection- he bought everyone who voted for him a cell phone. Jana is a veritable fountain for conservative rhetoric, if Bill O’Reilly or Rush Limbaugh could just hear her talk they would weep for joy. I on the other hand feel like weeping for a whole different reason!

            My teacher isn’t the only conservative here either. The day after the election, the school principal wore black to symbolize his mourning for the country. All these examples, among others, serve as reminders that I am smack in the middle of the reddest part of the reddest state in the nation.  The officers and staff at the facility are so conservative they make Bountiful look like Sodom and Gomorrah .

You are a Saint for having suffered all these years  working with so many conservatives. I’m not sure how you’ve managed. It takes all I have and then some to keep my mouth shut and even then I don’t unusually succeed.

             Moving on to another subject, I should probably tell you a few things about how the prison housing works.

            After I went to the board in Beaver County, I was given the option to request where to go in the IPP system. In a way of describing, about a decade or so ago the state of Utah decided it didn’t want to be in the business of building or expanding prisons so they contracted with their county jails across the state to expand their county jails and house state inmates for a daily fee.

There are 22 jails in the system ( called the Inmate Placement Program), Beaver being one of them. The reason Beaver County gave me a chance to move was because they are more of a short term facility and the only programs they offer are for drug and alcohol offenders, which I am not.

 My caseworker and I reviewed all of the county jails available to me and jointly determined that none of them offer classes or programming that would be beneficial to me and my future. 

The major flaw of the IPP system is that it is only a housing solution and the participating counties run their jails on a for profit basis and therefore don’t spend a single dime more than they absolutely have to on programming and education. That is why I requested a release from IPP and a return to state custody in Gunnison, Utah. These requests are not normally honored, but fortunately for me mine was and a little over 3 weeks after I asked for the move, I found myself here in Gunnison.

I have definitely benefited from my move and all of the programming and classes available to me here. Now I’m telling you all this to let you know that at any moment, I can be transferred back to a county jail. As a nonviolent  offender with a comparatively short sentence that is not a trouble maker I am an ideal candidate for IPP which is why they housed me there in the first place.

            So fortunately, even though the powers that be approved my move to Gunnison, that doesn’t mean I won’t be moved back at any point of their choosing. It is my hope that they leave me here for as long as possible, ideally for my entire sentence, but that is unlikely.

There is no way to find out in advance and no way to know which jail I would end up in until I’m in the van on my way there. It could come tomorrow, next month, or never. I’m telling you this so you are aware of my situation. If I do get sent to a county facility again, I hope it will  be Garfield County or I’d even be okay with Duchene. Those two facilities have the best options for inmates. Any way I’ll keep you informed if anything does happen. At some point I may actually choose to request a transfer, but not for now.

            Gunnison is quite different from Beaver County in one big way. The inmates here are not your petty criminals and drug addicts. For instance the pod I live in has 12 guys, out of those twelve, I’m the only one who is not in prison for murder. As I’ve built friendships with the guys I live with, and others, I have to force myself to not pass judgment.

Most of the time I’m good at that, but some here did things so heinous and have no regret that it’s hard to like them while others who committed quite heinous crimes who are remorseful are quite easy to like. Although things here aren’t that simple and most inmates don’t talk about their crimes to many people.

            I have gained a definite appreciation and a certain understanding of murderers, rapists, and pedophiles during my short tenure here. The paradigm through which I see and judge others  has shifted dramatically as has the lens through which I view myself and those I have harmed. I can’t help but feel grateful for my relative youth and the opportunities that yet await me in life when compared to people like my cell mate who will die in prison.

 I can only be optimistic about my plight and try to gain as much from this experience as possible. How many people are afforded a real opportunity to pause their life and fix all that is wrong with themselves before they push play again?  Well I do and for this I am thankful.

            I’m not sure why I’m waxing so poetic in this letter. I guess I just want to add some texture to our correspondence and discuss the part so the experience with you that I can’t discuss with my fellow inmates.

            I do actually have a few good friends I’ve made here in STRIVE, not to mention those I made in Beaver. My three closest friends so far are Brad Baker, Todd Mulliner, and Jeffrey Kitchen. Brad is just an all-around great guy. You would like him. He’s one of those Gay guys who had to go through a couple of marriages before discovering himself. Now at 47 he’s very proud and content gay man. He has a kind spirit and a huge heart and I’m lucky to have befriended him.

Jeffrey Kitchen has two strikes against him: He’s a BYU alum (twice!) and a lawyer. Both of which are made up for by the fact that he’s come to his senses later in life, embraced agnosticism and is kind of a liberal. He also has a kind way about him and arguing with him remind me of arguing with you. He’s very intelligent, uncompromising, and he fights back! 

As for Todd Mulliner, he is quite smart, his flaws are probably much harder to overlook, however. Not only is he a devout Mormon (with 2 kids on a mission right now) he’s also a conservative Republican. That being said, he and I get along swimmingly well. We agree on about 95% of everything and the 5% we disagree on we have great debates as how mutually entertaining they have been. I have a better understanding of why conservatives believe the way they do and Todd has a better understanding of we liberals.  I couldn’t asked for a more informed and open minded conservative to debate with and befriend. (Try not to let the fact that he’s an LDS Republican color your opinion of him too much.)

I’ve made many other acquaintances in here and in Beaver ad even a few other good friends (like Kevin Johnson and Dodge Van de Graff in Beaver County) but these are the three I’m closest to right now.

Thank you for the list of top needed specialties. It’s pretty much in line with what we expected. I’m somewhat limited to the classes I can take and therefore which specialties I can realistically prepare for over the next four years. I probably won’t be able to become a counselor plus that’s highly competitive. I also should probably not try to go against my abilities by doing Math or science.

What I can do is prepare myself for Special Ed and I can also take Spanish. It looks like both of those endorsements would also open up some doors to employment.

Thank you for getting me the info and helping with my application to Ohio University. They are the only viable options I have since they are the only school in the country that is both regionally accredited and offer classes by correspondence to inmates. (Regional accreditation is required for licensure.)

And at the very least a bachelor’s degrees will help me we I get out since I have no real tangible skills and I can rely on my charm and lies to get me any further then where they go me now.

As for my things, I really don’t see any reason to hold on to 90% of it. MY suits, ties, and dress shirts perhaps, but the rest can go to a good cause. Storing it for the next four or five years just seems like such a waste. It’s all up to you, sell it, donate it to Our Store, or give it to friends. I have no preference one way or the other. If anything my time in prison has shown me just how little I need to get by. I say get rid of as much as you can.

Your comments about Jami really got me thinking as well, she is definitely trapped in her own prison and I wish I knew of some way to ease her pain. A decade ago she left Steve briefly, right around the time when my mom died. She really struggled to take care of her boys, work full time, and finished her degree, but she made it. Even so she eventually chose financial security over a fulfilling life for herself.

I don’t say this in judgment. I’ve made my own bad choices along the way as well, worse choices that she in many ways. I say it as a concerned brother. Once her boys are gone, I can’t see any scenario where she is ever happy with Steve.

But I’ve long since strayed myself from my family and I also don’t; see any scenario where we reunite in any meaningful way. I just wish I knew a way to let Jami know it really is ok to let me go. 

She doesn’t need to feel responsible for me or blame herself for anything. I think she’s putting too much pressure on herself to be something to me she is not. I love her and I want the best for her but given her choices and family responsibilities what’s best for her most likely doesn’t involve a meaningful or regular relationship with me. I venture to guess that she has reached the same conclusion, whether consciously or unconsciously, and that is why she has stopped writing me, I guess I just want to hug her and tell her it’s okay so we can both move on.

 

The truth is you are my family now, Ben. And for better or worse I’m yours. As much as we would love to have deep meaningful relationships with our Jami’s and Donna’s that just isn’t in the cards for us.

Well I suppose I should wrap up this long winded letter. Eight pages is plenty. Let me know how the Obama victory party went.

 I’m sure Doug is glad to have someone baking for him. Oh and I’m bummed to hear about the hot tub. Did you call the spa depot.com? That’s where we brought it from and they could probably tell you more about what might be wrong. Also it’s under warranty. I’d gladly fix it for you  (and finish the roof over it too instead of a damn tarp). If they’d give me a furlough.

Also with all the people vying for Ben McAdams seat do you think Jim has a good chance of getting it? I hope so. I think he will make a good Senator.

Alright, I’ll close this letter now, Thanks for your support through thick and thin. Love Kyle. PS Happy Thanksgiving!

 

23 November 2012 Friday

I strained my back from Wednesdays escapade with the Persian Dude. Even though he was bushy and kind of cute and we didn’t fuck somehow I twisted my lower back and it’s really sore today. It was sore yesterday but not as bad as today.

            This is Black Friday but I didn’t venture out at all except to take Chuck Whyte to Chuck-A-Rama as kind of a thanksgiving meal. He said he only had a Swanson Turkey dinner yesterday…

            After eating I went to Smith’s to get some dry dog food but after that stayed home the rest of the day. Did use the hot tub for the first time since it was fixed. I mailed off a letter to Kyle and watched Glee and Last Resort on Hulu plus and that’s about it.

            “Dear Kyle, I hope this letter finds you well. I imagine they do something for the men for Thanksgiving. I didn’t do much. Earlier in the week I made a pecan pie for Doug Lott and last Sunday invited Chuck Whyte and Bill Poore over for a baked ham dinner so that is about all the cooking I did.  I made pea soup for Thanksgiving and Bill Poore brought over some crusty bread and we watched Divine and Tab Hunter in Lust in the Dust and that was about that.

I was invited to a post-Thanksgiving get together at the Tryangles at 9 last night but after waiting 15 minutes and no one showed up I headed home. Well it was a good attempt for me to get out but made me also realize why I don’t go out much at night.

 Strange, I’ve never spent a Thanksgiving with you or for that matter much of the month of November. In 2010 you were in jail for much of the time and in 2011 you were still angry with me and not staying with me.

I think you spent last years with Marty’s family in St. George where you had to take care of Marty because he was so sick. Last year I donated my time at First Baptists helping them prepare and cook their Thanksgiving dinner feeding about 200 people. Not this year.

I had bought a turkey last year thinking we might have it for Christmas but that wasn’t meant to be. I kept it in the downstairs freezer until just this past week when I cooked it up for the dogs.

Tomorrow Saturday Mike and I are going out to Randy and Kimberlee's for Thanksgiving dinner. I guess they are expecting 20 people which is way too many for me but it means a lot to them for Michael and me to come.

Tuesday I went in for my cataract surgery at St. Marks. Charles Frost took me and stayed with me the entire time. I was there for about 2 hours but the actual procedure lasted only about 10 minutes. After putting in the transplant lens I have 20/20 vision in my right eye but my left eye is still like 300/20 and cloudy so it’s really weird trying to adjust to it, I feel cockeyed, but I am not wearing glasses and my far sightedness is perfect.

I can’t go in until December 18 to get my left eye done. I think I will need reading glasses which is strange since for 50 years I was nearsighted and now I am farsighted. It’s hard to see the keyboard as I type…but the doctor is going to try and get me in sooner.

I have a $1000 deductible plus 20  percent so this go around cost about $1800 out of my pocket but the next eye I will only have to pay the 20 percent so it should only be $800. This was an expensive week for me.

On Wednesday I had a hot tub repair man come out finally and he said the heat pump motor was not working… he said about a year and a half ago his company Soakers had a whole batch of bad pump motors come in that had to be replaced and I may have gotten one of them.

The motor was $300 and labor and buying chemicals it was nearly $500 to get it fixed. Ouch but I had some extra money saved from working last summer in summer school so at least I could get it fixed.

All the Chase, Citibank, and American Express have been closed and balance transferred to my Credit Union cards that have a better rate. I still owe about $10,000 on your crazy escapade but it’s at least under control and manageable. I will get it all paid off hopefully by the time I retire in three years.           

Nothing really of news since your last newsy letter that I got on the 21st.  I voted for Obama so where is my cell phone? Should I call about it? LOL. I already have two I phones, the one you had through Michael and the one I bought for you a year ago October. That one however is useless because there’s a $250 balance on it and I could buy a new one for that…but your old one is good enough for me.

I think about you sometimes when I use it remembering all the busy contacts you were constantly dialing. I pretend it still has some of your aura. lol

It’s true we can learn to live without a lot of things but it’s hard to live without the people we love.

It’s difficult to be surrounded by Conservatives and especially those who get all their information from Limbaugh, Beck, and Faux News. My custodian listens to Rush constantly and I hear it when I have to get some supplies or when he cleans my room, if I complain about anything about the amount of additional stress put on teachers,  he always asks sincerely “Is it something Obama did?”

Conservatives have made Obama the incarnate of all their insecurities and prejudices.  It was in the SL Tribune that right after the election Utah was 4th in the nation of tweeting hateful racist stuff about the President. Only Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana tweeted more hate than Utah.

The pundits say that the reason why Conservatives were shell shocked when they lost the election was they are in a bubble where they only talk to each other and had lost a grip on a reality outside of their own making.  There’s even secession petitions being signed by tens of thousands…that is how racist and stupid these people are that they don’t know what they are advocating is Treason.

I’ve lived in Utah for six years before you were born and have seen over the year how Mormons in Utah have slipped from being moderate progressives to radical reactionaries. It’s a shame. And I blame the current General Authorities for letting it happen… but then they are all corporate millionaire business men not like 40 years ago.

But it’s not all bleak.  This 3rd grade LDS teacher told me last week that one of her parents complained that she let a student who had lesbian parents read an essay about her moms, in class. The teacher stood up for the little girl and said while she might not approve of lesbianism the little girl had every right to tell how proud she is of them and that she loved them.

The upset mother reactionary LDS of course said, “well it’s not a discussion I thought I’d have to have with my 8 year old!” and asked that her son not be seated near the little girl.

Times are changing and kids are not allowed to play “smear the queer” but as in the song in South Pacific you have to be carefully taught to hate.  I have to deal with the same mother since I have a boy of hers in my class and I have to be careful not to let my distain for her influence how I treat her son in my class although he is a sneak and I told her so at Conference although she thinks her son is perfect.

Hell, all these LDS parents do is teach their kids to be sneaky.  But I spent much of my life teaching Mormon kids to be kind and tolerant and that different is good. I never had my kids line up in two lines of boys and girls like others did. I always let the girls play the same sports with the boys… I did skits and plays and lots of art…

I only had a few that went to prison. One is a boy named Nathan Hare who I taught in 4th grade. I believe he was or still is at Gunnison.  His dad use to beat him and his mother deserted him and he would beat other kids up. I once was surprised when I first moved in the house and didn’t have the wooden fence up that I saw him in my neighborhood walking his dog just like a sweet normal kid. I am glad I have that memory of him. I heard later he was convicted of raping some teenagers and DUI’s and goodness knows what else to have landed him in the pen.  Poor kid never stood a chance.

It horrifies me that you are housed with convicted murderers but I once worked with a man at the U of U right before you were born who I really liked and found out later he got drunk and killed a guy.

No matter how you may have harmed people…you are not that kind of person…yes I know you have a kinky side… and you have a temper…who doesn’t, but your heart is not violent… I was blind to a lot of things but I was never blind to that…

As soon as I get caught up on bills I need to take Daisy in to the vet. She has a lump the size of a small egg growing on her inner thigh. It doesn’t hurt her and she runs and barks and does all her usually stuff but noticed that if she lays in the same spot too long she has a hard time standing on her hind legs. I massage them and rub them and then she seems to be fine…but I am worried about the cyst and her weight…

Buddy is fine and so is Coco. Had Chevy over Tuesday after my eye surgery to groom the trio. That was another $120…good thing I am not paying for college…

 

You had a laundry hamper of clothes that Marty gave me last Spring. I think mostly underwear and stuff. I have it stored underneath the stairs where you put in the light. You have several hats and shoes and boots stored in a plastic bin.

I’ve hung your suits up in the bedroom closet so not to get creases in them…Your shirts are stored in bins. Your framed picture of knots I have hanging in your old bedroom since the box was getting damaged.

Your air force picture, missionary mementoes, and small framed certificates are on the shelf. Cleaned out all the clutter and just saved what I felt is important to keep. I have a photo album with lots of loose pictures in it. Anything that had family in it I gave to Jami to keep safe.

I watched last winter a VCR tape of your Eagle Scout ceremony… what a cute doofus… I found another one on CD and gave it to Jami.  Your air force papers and legal documents I all gave to Jami because at the time because I didn’t know if you ever wanted anything more to do with me.

The only thing remotely political is the race between former Mayor Carroon and Jim Dabakis for Utah Senate seat 2. The delegates will choose on December 1. It will be close for sure. I hope your television comes soon.

I was at the Tryangles and just the 15 minutes there...I had to watch a huge screen of some football game that was on…I wanted to gouge my eyes out… Not once did you ever see me have any type of sport on here at the house. I can’t imagine what it is like as a captive audience. I guess watching the tight ends helps a little.

Thanks for the information on the IPP system…must be stressful knowing you can be yanked out of one environment and into another and scope out who’s who. I hope you can stay at Gunnison as long as you can. Will the Correspondent Classes transfer with you wherever you go? Maybe they will keep you at Gunnison because you do real and lasting good there as an ESL tutor. I guess if you can learn Portuguese you can learn Spanish too.

I hope you are getting some of your spiritual needs met as well as intellectual. You know I don’t mean religion…I mean really philosophical and personal examination  of the meaning of your life and consequences of actions… Have you thought about some 12 step programs not for drugs and alcohol but for other compulsions that make you make bad choices for short term gratification?

I know I have a compulsive personality and was in program for about 5 years when you were an infant. It helped me come to terms with my sexuality and self-esteem…I learned a lot but also miss it too. There’s fellowship in program and support without judgment.

I think I told you in my last letter that Michael Ferguson and his partner Seth Anderson want to collaborate with me on writing a history of Gay Salt Lake. I probably need an impetus to write more. My knowledge is so encyclopedic that I need someone to reign me in.

Well I better end this long rambling letter. I am taking Chuck to Chuck A Rama for lunch as kind of a Thanksgiving. He’s really getting low on funds. In fact I finally convinced him to go on food stamps he’s so broke having not worked for over two years. I think he spends what little he has left on his medicine and condo fees.

I told him he should try for disability since he had that stroke 7 years ago that affected his cognitive and mobility skills…But he’s still thinking he can do something…what I don’t know.

I told him last September that you had written me and he went bonkers so I don’t tell him anything about us anymore… don’t need the judgment even though they think they are looking after me. I have told Greg, Bill Poore, and Charles Frost that we are corresponding but no one else. I don’t necessary want to keep it a secret I just don’t want to hear from well-meaning people who will never understand the bond I feel for you.  I can’t disregard you any more than if you were my own son.

Speaking of Greg, two of his dogs Marley and Harley are actually his sisters and he baby sits them like I do Coco. So he only has the four. He has a part time job now working for NAMI but is sad because he had the death of two friends recently I think through suicide.

Amy Barry and I are going to go to Costco and buy him two 20 lb. bags of dog food for Xmas. Anyway, I love you, always will, for good or bad, you have a hold of my heart, you are the object of my affection, my almost son, my dear friend. Old Ben

 

24 November 2012 Saturday

I baked a store bought Mince Meat pie this morning and made 40 rolls from Rhodes Frozen Bread Dough but I made a lemon meringue pie from scratch to bring over to the Giles for their Thanksgiving Feast.

I went Mike and he bought some box wine…Coco stayed home with Buddy and Daisy. There was around 20 people at the Giles, work friends, Elyse and Kayla’s friends, Randy’s brother Corky’s bunch, and our old neighbors Lynn and Norma Chaffin with whom I spent most of the time visiting and catching up on things.

Randy and Kimberlee put out a spread as always and it was homey. They are the closest thing I have to family in Utah.

 

25 November  2012 Sunday

Had a wonderful evening at the Thanksgiving dinner Kimberlee Gile and Randy Gile put together in their home in Daybreak yesterday. There was around 20 people at the Giles. Randy and Kimberlee put out a spread as always and it was homey. They are the closest thing I have to family in Utah and love them dearly. Good food and good friends

Kimberlee Gile wrote to me: You ARE family to us, Ben! You are especially the family we choose - LOL. Thank you so much for sharing with our Thanksgiving feast. Having you there completed the circle of the people who mean the most to us. Thank you also for the wonderful rolls and pies. As always, we enjoyed your food. Love you!!!!”

Don't feel guilty not giving to Salvation Army...they are not a Charity. They are a church collecting money that is used to discriminate against people.

 

26 November 2012 Monday

Back to work after a long break. Told everyone about my eye and how the surgery went well.

 

27  November 2012 Tuesday

I went back to see  Dr. Hoopes in Sandy for a checkup. He said everything is looking good and I now have 20/15 vision now in the right eye.

Sam Holdaway called and wanted to know if we could fuck and I said sure since I was down in that neck of the woods. I got to his place about 9:30 this morning and all his roommates were at work so we had the place to ourselves. We fucked until he came, and then I left at 10:00. It was a nice way to start the day.

Feeling energized, I came home and baked two chocolate Cheesecakes, one to give to Doug Lott and the other to Michael Romero. I also made a huge batch of chili Verde to give to Charles Frost and Michael.

Charles came over about 3:30 to go hot tubbing. He’s off for a couple of days from the Pride Center. We just relaxed and visited.

In the news our Michael Ferguson is in New York City suing this Jewish Reorientation program called Jonah for falsely claiming to make Gay men straight. It was in the news and on CNN.

 

28 November 2012 Wednesday

My blood sugar was 115 this morning… I thought it would be higher since I ate a apple fritter and cheese cake yesterday. It’s Back to school. Not a terribly exciting day. We Had a fire drill and that was about it.

At home, I changed my sheets, took Coco home, and fed the dogs left over ham I had cooked off the bone. I had fried chicken, peas and carrots, Italian green beans, corn, and a yam for my dinner. I ended up sharing most of it with the dogs.

Charles Frost called me and we had a good talk about me writing Kyle. He was worried for me but I had to assure him that I was fine.

 

29 November 2012 Thursday

Well now I know Buddy and Daisy will eat lentils especially if they have cooked with a ham bone and broth... they didn't get the bone but they got plenty of ham that cooked off the bone...

I am eating clam chowder that Doug Lott made for me it really tasty but does have a cayenne kick to it ... but yummy.

I kicked a 5th grader out of my class room for wiggling his tongue between his V fingers....earlier he had made the motion that he was taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette... sheesh!

Amy Barry wrote: “Sounds like he has great parents.”

Bill Poore commented, “Funny I had to direct a scene today where I had to teach the student actors how to smoke a joint, different worlds for sure.”

Always done my best to live by this sentiment-I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. - Stephen Grellet

 

30 November 2012 Friday

Thank God It’s Friday

December

1 December 2012 Saturday

Today is my nephew James Clark’s 44th birthday. It’s World AIDS day also but no one does anything in the community any more for it.

Last night Rocky O’Donovan called me up and says “do you want to go to the Trapp for a beer”... I said, “what time”? He said 8:30. I said well that's kind of late but okay...

So at 8:15 I get dressed and wait and wait and then I gets a phone call from Connell O'Donovan after 9 saying that he had fallen asleep! LOLOLOL See what you young guys have to look forward to.

So live it up! Someday a warm cozy bed will be more enticing than any night life. Ah gone are the days of going to the bars at 11 at night because nothing was happening until then.... But I sleep easier now.

Bill Poore commented, “Yeah the bars in NYC closed at 4 AM, then we went to afterhours places till like 7 AM, we would come out of the dark bars into the morning light, it would blind us...walking back through the meat district in our nightly wear, mostly cut-offs, still very drunk. The men in the meat district cutting up cows would yell things at us. I hardly blame them we must of been a sight. Today in bed by 10.”

I watched “We Were Here” before going to bed. It reminded me of what we went through in the 1980's and 90's here in Salt Lake...I could never vote Republican after living through that time.

One of the great worries my mom had was, by being Gay, I would catch AIDS... It was lots of parents fears back then

 

2 December 2012 Sunday

Windy as hell all night here by the airport. Chimes ringing all night long. Had a cool dream that I went to Southern California to meet up with my cuz Steph Williams, Terrie Williams, Barbara Danforth Nadsady, and Beverly Gollatz and we were tooling around in a huge Buick Electric like the kind Aunt Beulah would drive but it was a convertible and we were cruising up and down HWY 101 like in Foo Wong having such a great time... and Bev was driving and talking on a CB using the handle Granny Rose... weird but fun dream...must have been the chocolate mocha cheese cake I ate before going to bed last night.

            My cousin Stephanie wrote: “Oh what a fun lovely dream. Let's do it!” and my cousin Barbara Danforth Nadsady said, “That's awesome. I was going to say I have a Mustang convertible and we could make that happen. The problem is with the five of us we would definitely need a Buick electric.”

It’s so blame windy gusts about 25 mph...I wanted to do some work outside but didn't want to get blown away...Did string some Xmas lights. I always write Xmas for Christmas because Grandma Johnson always did LOL... Xmas reminds me so much of the times my grandparents came out to California to spend a week or so with us. Got my Xmas tree up because my sister Charline Wachs put me to shame having hers up after Thanksgiving but she still has kids in the house.

Found some zucchini bread I made last September buried in the back of the freezer...it's an old fashion Xmas miracle!

Now comes the torrential rain and lightning and thunder and Buddy and Daisy are huddled on the bed trying to get under my arms... It’s not a fit night out for man or beast... pity God’s creatures who can't find shelter tonight.

 

3 December 2012 Monday

I took the day off for my appointment with Dr. Stoneburner at the Redwood Clinic. I couldn't believe it...I got in and out of the doctor’s office in less than an hour and that included lobby time! Felt like I won the lottery! Stoneburner said I only lost a lb. since my last visit and I said well I didn't gain a lb. I've lost 25 since last summer and my blood sugars are good... lose weight… lose weight my doctor sounds like a broken record.

Bill Poore commented “we must have the same doctor...except mine is a “she.”

Bruce M. Barton said “save the weight for me Ben---I hear the opposite. but I have gone from 130 when I lived there in Utaaaah and now am 159 a virtual stud LOL

I wrote back: good for you Bruce M. Barton gaining weight is as hard for some as losing weight is for other

 

4 December 2012 Tuesday

School will be crazy now with the kids all hyper. All the Thanksgiving Turkey art is down and now up goes Christmas stuff.  At least I have a lot of art projects to keep them busy and we will be practicing the Bell That Couldn’t Ring skit.

 

5 December 2012 Wednesday

I think I am getting the stomach flu...Michael Romero has it ... and I have felt run down all day. I Got a flu shot last October but there's all kinds out there... Going to have a little supper and then retire to my bed where Buddy will keep me company. No kids are sick at school though... It was a rainy indoor recess, so my one nerve was shot...

My California cousin Stephanie Williams wrote: “It's going around. A few folks here have had it..”

Bob Henline added, "Feel better, Ben. Make Theraflu with vodka instead of water, it'll fix you right up!”

My sister Charline Wachs wrote: “take care of yourself, lots of rest and liquids.”

Roland Ron Holmgren said, “Take care, Ben. It's the season to get sick...specially for people who work with children like you do. I don't get a flu shot, but my doctor made me get a pneumonia shot. Good advice.”  I responded, “I got all my shots pneumonia, shingles, tetanus and flu

I received a letter from Kyle dated 29 November.

 “Dear Ben, I’m glad to hear that your first eye surgery was a success, hopefully the second eye goes as well as the first. It sounds incredibly expensive but worth it. I’m glad your insurance will cover most of it. I’m going to the eye doctor for an exam as well next month. My distance vision isn’t what it used to be. I’m surprised that my up close vision is still good considering how much I read. But it’s my distance that’s fading. So I’ll be getting eyeglasses in the next month or two. It’s good you won’t need them any longer except for maybe reading glasses.

            Speaking of expensive, the hot tub repairs sound like they were painful. Did you check to see if the motor was still under warranty? Either way it’s good you got it fixed so you can enjoy it with your friends this winter.

            As for IPP, yes it is very stressful in some ways not knowing when they might move me. Unfortunately my job in education doesn’t provide me with any security the IPP office can do whatever it likes. I’m thankful I’ll at least be here long enough to graduate from STRIVE which would be in September next year.

            With regards to correspondence courses following me where ever I’m sent, the answer is it depends. Only some of the county jails allow correspondence courses. I know Garfield County does which is why I would like to end up there if I have the option. Like I said in my last letter at some point it will likely be a good idea for me to request transfer to a specific jail rather than just let them randomly decide where to send me. The ability to continue and complete my education during my time is something I’m very focused on. I do not want to be stranded in some Podunk county jail with no counseling, programming or educational opportunities that would be hell. So in order to avoid that, I’ll need to be proactive.

            How was Thanksgiving with Randy and Kimberlee? Are they still happy with their new home? My thanksgiving weekend turned out nicely. First they passed out TVs early so I got mine on Wednesday afternoon before the holiday. Yay! I joked with my friends that I have a new man in my life and he’s 13 inches “Measured diagonally). Thanks to you I didn’t have to gorge my eyes out from over exposure to sports over the holiday.

They also let us sleep in until 8 a.m.  on Thanksgiving and served a big breakfast of scrambled eggs, fruit, and yogurt. For dinner we got turkey, yam, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and for dessert pumpkin pie.  It was pretty good considering the circumstances.

Who knows, if you take care of your health, we still might yet get to spend a Thanksgiving together after they decide to let me out. Thank you again for the TV. It will be well worth the $11 a month in rent and one good thing about the deposit is that they return it to me when they transfer so I’ll be able to use it to get a TV at Garfield County or wherever else I end up if they have them as well. Either way it will make my weekends and holidays much more tolerable while I do have it. Thank you.

            Speaking of politics, I found out why you didn’t get a thank you cell phone for your Obama vote. It’s because you aren’t a minority on the dole in a swing state. If you were a black single mother in Ohio you would have gotten one. Perhaps you should read the fine print before you vote next time to make sure you sell your vote to the highest bidder.

            I was watching the news the other night about the race to replace McAdams. I really hope Jim gets the seat, but I bet Corroon will eke out a win. Frankly, Corroon would make a great senator. One of the other candidates, Will Carlson, is a friend. I actually attended his law school graduation with another friend Matthew Peterson. (Matthew owns the optical shop in Sandy that Greg took you to.)

Will is a good guy but not much of a politician. This is the second office he’s sought and my guess is it won’t be his last. Will definitely doesn’t have a chance against Jim or Corroon.

            The story you told me about the narrow minded LDS mother at your school was sad if not surprising. I’m glad that your colleague was brave enough to allow her student to read the essay aloud in class. I shared your story and comments with friends Todd and Jeff. Your opinion and experience brought smiles to all of us.

            Being around murderer and racists isn’t as bad as you might think. At the end of the day murderers, rapists, drug addicts, and even financial criminals are just people who want to be loved and cared for, just like everyone else. I try not to think too much about the horrific things that some of the guys here have done. If I think about it too much the  I get judgmental and disgusted.

One kid was talking to me right after he’d been to see the board of pardons. He was fuming mad about all the “lies” the board was saying about him. He said to me “They have everything wrong about my case. It’s just a bunch of lies. He then angrily spurted out Thy claim the girl I raped was 14 and that’s just a lie. She wasn’t 14 she was 13. I couldn’t believe what he was saying and he had no clue how what he said sounds.  There are plenty of cases of guys like him. I do my best to avoid those who are truly disturbed and carry hate in their hearts.

            I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to address my “spiritual needs” as you put it. There is a caseworker here named Warnock. He facilitates a number of great programming classes that I have been able to take. Most have been self-help in nature from the likes of Zig Zigler to Dave Ramsey and even Stephen R Covey.

Todd and I have also  been collaborating on the ‘Plan for a Meaningful Life” material. Both he and I are at a similar place in our journey to figure out what really matters in life and how to obtain that. Writing that class and participating in all the others has been a very enlightening experience.

One great thing about prison is all the time it affords me to learn, read and ponder. Most people don’t have the opportunity, at any stage of their life, to step back and re-think every aspect of their life. I’m fortunate to be able to do this at a relatively young age. I still have a lot of life left to live in front of me and now ZI can do it the right way.

            I was planning on buying a soda to enjoy on the 5th of December to recognize the one year mark since my incarceration. Strangely I’ve been craving Coke more than Dr. Pepper  so that’s what I was going to buy. Before I had a chance to buy it though I got a surprise invitation to a tutor Christmas Party where we have the option of paying $5 for a catered meal of double cheeseburgers and soda. I gladly delayed my soda plans for the party instead and paid the $5. The party isn’t until the 20th of December but it will be worth the wait. We will get real beef burgers with bacon! The only downside is that the burgers will come with a side of onion rings instead of fries. Yuck! I’ll just try to trade my onion rings with someone else, Prison sure teaches you to appreciate the little things (like bacon and beef).

            You do need to get going again on your book! It’s good that your friends are spurring you on and encouraging you. Your knowledge truly is encyclopedic with regards to the history of Gays in Utah and there is no one else who could really write it. I would suggest getting everything written first. You can pare it down and organize it into a cohesive story arc later. Also if you can send them to me and I can mark them up and mail them back. I have the time to help that’s for sure. That and I would love to read the stories you have to tell. No matter what, keep at it. This will likely be your Magnum Opus and it needs to get done.

            Hopefully the growth on Daisy’s leg isn’t anything bad. Let me know what the vet says after you’ve gone. Speaking of Daisy, I’m still waiting for those pictures of the pups. Hopefully you’ve figured out how to print them and having some “family” photos of you, Daisy, Buddy and Coco would be nice.

            I’ll close this letter now. Stay well. Watch your blood sugars, enjoy the hot tub, and say your prayers. Love Kyle

 

6 December 2012 Thursday

Under the weather but not deathly sick with the stomach flu...not achy or feverish or any morning sickness lol...just some tummy cramping. So off to work and packing Imodium... others I know who had it were wiped out.

Several kids were gone today. A bug is going around. Thank goodness for Imodium lol. I think if you are sick you get to eat burnt almond fudge ice cream... in bed

Some of us with long memories know this new PR Mormon Gay Website is BS! Remember when they excommunicated Clair Harward in 1985 because he had AIDS...When the national news picked it up they about pissed their pants backtracking saying that the church was providing food for him... totally insensitive to the fact Clair was dying in a state of excommunication and he needed spiritual comforting NOT food...

And then when Alan Gundry came to town touted as the LDS Liaison to the Gay community in 1988 and Affirmation was so joyful until they realized Gundry was here to set up Evergreen, an ex-Gay therapy group...

Does no one remember Prologue and how the LDS Church tried to discredit it by setting up a bogus company that sound like outside critics when it was a front for the Church?

Last I checked the Mormon Church still calls the severity of same sex love akin to murder! They slander Gay people, drive some to suicide, and we are supposed to be jumping for joy because a bunch of old men finally said its okay LDS members to be nice and decent to us?

And what truly seems outrageous is that the leadership of the Pride Center believes the LDS Church web site is a good thing although it tells every Gay person you will never EVER have the same favor in the sight of God even though being Gay is not a choice... Ugh disgusted.

Pride Center Status Update: "This new and official LDS Church website is yet another resource Utah Pride can provide for Mormons who reach out for support."

Are you fucking kidding me? This site re-affirms that homosexuality is a sin that Gay kids need to grow up and lead celibate love less lives...and promotes Reorientation Therapy...

The new site states being Gay is NOT a choice but choosing to live an unhappy unfulfilling joyless life is? What's next?

Is Valerie going to put an LDS reading room in her new Pride Center? Valerie what is your idea of support? Certainly not what most of the rest of the community would think. How about putting Evergreen in your resource as well?. Perhaps it’s time for a leadership change at the center, which seems now lacking in Pride

Douglas Cartier added, “The whole website basically says that something is 'wrong' with gay people and we still do not accept you for who you are and love. It is a thinly veiled attempt to pretend to accept us as people and individuals, but whatever you do, DON'T have sex. Please! When you read the statements, it just adds more confusion to the issue especially for younger gay people. Until the LDS church says, 'we love everyone, unconditionally, no matter what', I will not accept their sugar coated bigotry.”

 

7 December 2012 Friday

Mormons have a dilemma in their theology...If they now accept that being Gay is not a choice but an intrinsic characteristic then God knew before they were born (pre-existence) that he would have Gay children but then set up a completely different standard for his heterosexual children...

He gave both of them powerful sex drives to form intimate relationships but only told his Gay children they must NEVER act upon their instincts and will never be allowed to have a sanctioned outlet for their sex drives as his heterosexual children...

Thus contrary to NY "free agency", God has predestined 10 percent of his children for failure if they act on urges he knows they have but says he loves everyone equally and is no respecter of persons or gives favoritism...

The Mormon BS is that they teach that being Gay is just about sex and that is all... that is like saying being straight is just about sex... what's love got to do with it?

There are no genius theologians in the one size fits all Mormon world to ever figure this out where the Kingdom of God like a mustard seed can contain all the birds of the field.”

John P Wilkes wrote: “I like how you always capitalize Gay, Ben.” I replied saying, “Gay is who I am not what I do ... I recognize a proper adjective when I see it even if others do not!”

Dominique Storni responded: “LD$, Inc... aka, The Morg.. resistance is futile, you WILL be assimilated.”

Shaun Terrill added: “If I had my druthers, I would put "belief in a religion" as a DSM-IV category. I mean, it's clearly whacky delusional thinking that creates humongous interpersonal angst.”

Bruce M. Barton wrote: “Ben you never cease to amaze and thrill me with your sharing!!”

I just sent Valerie Larabee the following message-“Valerie I think you owe the community a town meeting to address your comments and decision to use the Mormon Gay Website as a legitimate resource for Gay Mormons... I think Brandi Balkin needs to be there to address concerns that the community has. You are both not elected representatives of this community but your opinions carry weight with the community and something as serious as endorsing the Mormon's website that includes Reparation therapy, promotes heterosexism, and still condemns Gays as an evil lifestyle needs to be addressed.

 I am not the only one that is deeply disappointed. You could have expressed to the media that the community is pleased that the Church is recognizing that being Gay is not a choice and to encouraging Mormon families to stop ostracizing their children BUT then you should have said the community is disappointed that the site still acknowledges Reorientation therapy and that being an active Gay person is a not worthy of equality before the law.

Michael Ferguson bravely is suing JONAH ... I would expect that the Center would be as brave as he.”

I am writing a strongly worded letter to the Salt Lake Tribune on the decision of the Pride Center to use the Mormon Gay website as a resource for Gay Mormons... I encourage others to do so and pressure the Center to rescind their decision or stop supporting the Center since it has stopped supporting the Gay Community...

I sent this letter to the SL Tribune Opinion Ed: Dear Editor, Regarding Dec. 7 article "New Mormon church website has softer tone on gays", I am troubled that some members of our community think the LDS Church should be congratulated for just doing the right thing. That is their prerogative. However I am upset these unelected Executive Directors from the Pride Center and Equality Utah somehow feel the need to gush over this new website which does not change anything how the LDS Church is going to work to defeat Gay Rights. The LDS Church still insistence that Gay people live lonely, celibate, loveless lives. Yes, they encourage Mormon families not to kick their kids to the curb but is that only if they do not try to find love and affection from the same sex? I wish the Pride Center would have thanked the church for its progress in acknowledging that being Gay is not a choice but as long as that church remains dedicated to preventing full equality and to not allowing Gay people to live out the full measure of their lives, the Center should have respectfully declined to use the website as a resource for Gay Mormons.

My author friend Val Holley wrote: ‘Bravo, Ben. Ever the advocate of equal rights.”

I responded: “It's even more than equal rights it’s about saving the lives of Gay kids that are taught the only way to have God's approval is to live a loveless, celibate, unfulfilled, joyless stifling lives. If God knew that it was not good for man to be alone and created a companion for him how hard is it to figure out that a fulfilled life means sharing it with the person you love? Today’s Mormons have turned “Man is that he might have joy” into a lie for Gay kids.”

Douglas Cartier wrote I do like this idea. She does not and has never spoken for me,” and I wrote back, “I would like leaders held accountable for their actions when they speak for the entire community...they should pro-Gay first and foremost... building bridges means people meet half way. Not building a bridge so the other side can walk all over you.”

My Trans friend Dominique Storni wrote: Current LGBT leadership in Utah certainly seems to be placating LD$, Inc. I'm VERY disturbed by it all. I didn't even to go EU's Equality dinner this year. I think Valerie and Brandie do good things for us. However, I can't understand for the life of me why they think they need to placate and even support bullies. two words... Op Ed.

I replied “Valerie and Brandi need to stop attending $100 a plate fundraisers and get out in the real community...talk to people at Paper Moon, at Jam, at Affirmation, at Trans events, everything... leaders lead… they advocate… they push to do the right thing.  They aren't just bureaucrats or make appearances at high profile media events. Yes these women have done good but they aren't elected and are only accountable to their boards who think as long as the money is rolling in they are doing a good job... and on the most part, they have, and I have, never complained much except for that Huntsman fiasco talk about kissing ass. But this using the LDS website as a resource at the Center has gotten me fighting mad and out of retirement as a hell raiser…”

Dominique Storni wrote: “I'll raise some hell with you, Ben.”

Amy Barry added, “Op ed is the next step for this message Ben. Keep talking and keep fighting.”

 

8 December 2012 Saturday

It was a lazy snowy day... I snuggled in and had a good cry watching “Titanic” again...I made some whiskey balls this evening and watched the “Maltese Falcon”. It was a Good movie day. I created a new Face Book page called the Utah Stonewall Community as a Free Speech zone and had 21 likes in one day... People have things to say and there should be a place to say it.

 

9 December 2012 Sunday

After shoveling snow off my deck I was Xmas Caroled by 100s of Starlings in my tree those aren't leaves at the top but black birds. I tried to film it but because I am near sighted I pushed the wrong button and after their song with a mighty swoosh they were gone. It was a morning gift of nature

It snowed about 6 inches out here in West Salt Lake light and fluffy not like a month ago...not as cold as yesterday ... Feel like baking...Tracey Turnblad felt like dancing I feel like baking

Daisy loves the snow... you just try to bring her in... that fat girl can run fast when she wants too...she loves who cold weather...hates summer

 I had 6 inches here this morning but my veracity is doubted by some... This is what's left after 7 hours of sunshine. This is at 4 pm

Michael Aaron wrote: Is that 6 manhunt inches? We got about 2 here in the Marmalade. I replied “ LOL Lake effect. Michael let me assure you thus morning before the melt and shoveling it was 6 inches and not Manhunt Inches either you scamp. I can't see with one eye being at 400/20 and the other 20/15.

Had a nice visit with Charles Frost and hubby Doug Lott... Charles makes a fantastic quiche

I made Grandma Williams’ no milk chocolate pies, for some friends, piled high with meringue....I wonder who will keep her pies going after all her grandkids are gone? I guess it’s my way to connect with Grandma by making her pies and thinking about her as I mix all the ingredients. She's been gone 32 years now and I miss her still and the long talks we had in her last years in Yucaipa. My Afghan one she knitted for all her grandkids is still draped across my Gypsy Red couch.

My Grandma Williams had two Gay grandkids and although she never knew it I know in my heart it would not had made a difference to her. Her love of her family was greater than anything that we could have been or had done.

I last talked to her on Christmas Day 1978 and she knew her time was near. She told me that her mother was coming to her in dreams calling Annie, Annie and in a few weeks she was gone. I am grateful for all my wonderful aunts, my mom, and my grandmas...I am so lucky to had such loving women in my life.

Steve Brackenbury commented: “Nice remembrances. Thanks for posting. My grandmother did know I was gay and while the rest of my family was shunning me, she was the one who accepted me and told the rest of them to get over it. Older people are wise (usually).”

My sister Charline Wachs wrote: Grandma Williams once told me that she was not ashamed of any of her grandchildren. She truly loved her family and enjoyed having them around her.”

Bob Henline added “Shared food always makes for great memories. Enjoy them, Ben!”

My cousin Terrie Williams asked: “do you happen to have her cherry pie recipe?”

Roland Ron Holmgren wrote: “What lovely memories you have of your Grandmother. I still have a quilt my Grandmother made for me many years ago. She had squares of cowboys and horses since she thought that was what a young man should have. (how little she knew!) You are such a great cook and baker legacies no doubt left behind from her. My mother wrote up all her recipes for Bob and me when we first moved in together. I still use and cherish them today. Why don't you write up the recipes and give them to family members?”

I replied, “I only have a few...My grandpa's Chili Recipe, and Grandma's Apple Butter and Chocolate Pie...I moved off to Utah when I was 21 and never had the chance to get her recipe cards besides I think most of it was in her head....She recited the apple butter and chocolate pie to me and I wrote it in my journal many years ago now.”

Our Senator Mike Lee, "the youngest sitting U.S. Senator, was unable to cite any valid reasons for his derailing the UN disabilities treaty and could not cite any examples of a UN treaty that had any bearing on U.S. law. For Lee, a constitutional lawyer, to be unable to defend his ludicrous positions, is extremely damaging to his credibility,"  wrote Anderson Cooper. Stupid, stupid Utahns

Amy Barry commented: “But, but he knew people who home schooled their children that were afraid this UN treaty would adversely affect them. At least that was his quote after the vote.”

Bill’s brother Ross Poore wrote: This made him look very unprepared, seemed to lack knowledge on the issue, and had possibly invented non-facts to support his position. Not unusual for Senator Lee. This interview is an embarrassment to the State of Utah. We have this gentleman for at least 4 more years, maybe forever like Senator Hatch.”

I responded, “It would be bad enough if he was a dumb ass Congressman but a Senator? The Tea baggers traded Senator Bob Bennett for this cretin?”

Curtis Jensen added: “The idea that this ass hat is there for another 4 years is disturbing.”

 

10 December 2012 Monday

I had a slice of quiche tonight that I put in the toaster oven and forgot I had it set to broil and without my glasses it got pretty toasted before I could smell it...hmmm Blacken Quiche ala Charles... still delicious!

Jimmy Hamamoto commented, “Ragin' Cajun Quiche”. Roland Ron Holmgren pleaded, “Ben, get you some reading glasses before you burn down the house.”

            I responded: I’ve got some but need to keep them around my neck LOL... I use to be able to see the fine detail and not the big picture but now I see the Big Picture and not the details.”

 

11 December 2012 Tuesday

It’s 7 am and pitch black outside...oh can't wait for the winter solstice to bring the sun back... you are my sun god my only sun god you make me happy when skies are grey you'll never know dear how I love you oh please don't take my sun god away...

I hate teaching the weeks before Xmas ... The kids are not aware of anything but the approaching Holiday... A lot of holiday art use to keep them focused on school... Not any more as they could not care less ... Glitter and paste are things of a bygone era

Bob Henline  wrote: “Say it ain't so, Ben, are there no paste-eaters left in the back of the class?” My cousin Beverly Gollatz added, “Make ornaments from material, cotton and glue. They write their name and the date with glitter. Oh you will need string too. My kids made these and were so happy to get them back.”

            I responded: Half my kids would not even finish it without me getting an ulcer...the other half would forget to take it home. Besides Christmas decorations are not tied to the core... takes away time from learning. So I am always being told.

 

12 December 2012 Wednesday

At 11 minutes after 12, the kids in class did a drum roll and celebrated 12 12 12 12 12 and then cheered... Oh the Simply joys of kids. 12th day of the 12th month of the 12th year at 12:12 in the afternoon. It will be a century before it happens again.

Clark County, the home of Las Vegas, issued 1,224 marriage licenses on the Monday and Tuesday before the 12-12-12 wedding rush. That's three times the business the area would normally see. Straight Marriage is so sacred...

Melissa Sillitoe Bocarde responded: “Marriage reform will happen. I believe it.”

 

13 December 2012 Thursday

I had coffee and a very frank and lovely discussion with James Dabakis...For gawd sake let this man get some sleep...he looks exhausted...let's not wear him out...he's a treasure that cannot be replaced... then I was off to an Xmas party at Dan Fahndrich where I got to visit with another one of my favorite people from the old days, Becky Moss.... Dan was a great host but I needed to leave early after all it’s a school night.

James Dabakis wrote: “Frankly, there are few true conversationalists left. People who would enjoy "My Dinner with Andre". Ben is one of those people, where there is so much to hear and say but never enough time. 'Conversation--not texting'. That is our message to the shiny, bright new generation.”

I wrote back: “With you Jim, intercourse comes easy, intellectual intercourse that is.”

 

14 December 2012 Friday

My letter to the Tribune was printed today. First one I had written in nearly 10 years... helps to be friends with the opinion page editor though. Good old Elbert Peck.

Re "New Mormon church website has softer tone on gays" (Tribune, Dec. 6): I am troubled that some members of our community think The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should be congratulated for just doing the right thing.  I am upset that the unelected executive directors of the Pride Center and Equality Utah feel the need to gush over this new website, which does not change anything about how the LDS Church is going to work to defeat gay rights.

Yes, the LDS Church now encourages Mormon families not to kick their kids to the curb, but it still insists that gay people live lonely, celibate, loveless lives.

The Pride Center was right in thanking the church for its progress in acknowledging that being gay is not a choice, but as long as that church remains dedicated to preventing full equality and to not allowing gay people to live out the full measure of their lives, the center should respectfully decline to use the website as a resource for gay Mormons. Ben Williams Salt Lake City

There was a mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. A kid  shot and killed 26 people, including 20 children between six and seven years old, and six adult staff members.

 

Only the mentally ill think they need to own an assault weapon... ban assault weapons and semi-automatics... no one wants to take your hunting and sports weapons away nor your hand guns just your ability to mass murder innocent people.

 

15 December 2012 Saturday

It’s snowing outside my bedroom, soft flakes, but stating to pile up...an inch on the deck railing. Daisy had a rough night with her hind quarters so I was up in the night rubbing them and massaging them. I Gave a quarter of an aspirin to her and she was able to get some sleep... not so much me...and when I did fall asleep I had a dream I was shopping at Wal-Mart what a nightmare

Steve Brackenbury  wrote: “I love to give dog massages. All of my friends dogs love me for this reason. If there can be a Dog Whisperer how about a Dog Masseuse?

James Connelley added, “Pooch problems are the worse. Hope Miss Daisy's rest was plentiful and very sorry you dreamt of shopping in Wal-Mart, truly a nightmare.”                  

Douglas Cartier wrote: “Sorry about Daisy. It's so hard when they're uncomfortable. It makes us uncomfortable. Ask your vet about “Brace”. They use it on horses and now for all animals. It's like Ben-gay for animals. Pun intended. Lol. It's worked well for my Gabe's discomfort.

Roland Ron Holmgren wrote: “You are a kind and caring pet owner. Did you see Honey Boo Boo in your dream?”

It's snowing this morning and the birds dropped by to sing to me and then they went off to carol at  another house I suppose... There were hundreds in the poplar trees.

The power went off about 1:30 this afternoon ... It was weird it flickered and I heard this rumbling outside and then everything went off here at West Pointe near the airport

Back on the grid what did I miss?

It’s hard to post anything yesterday and the shooting of elementary kids... being an elementary school teacher myself... it seemed so unfathomable... I hear the sounds and see the sights, daily, in a place of learning, laughter, squeals, and even high pitch screams (yes little girls love to scream don't ask me why) but never are they done from horror...

I received a letter from Kyle Foote written on the 10th;

Dear Ben Thank you for your letter of the 4th. I’m glad we are corresponding again. Not a lot is happening here, just getting things wrapped up for the holiday break. The term ends on December 19th and will start back up again on January 3rd. That means I won’t have any work or programming classes for the two weeks over the holiday break.

A lot of guys are looking for the time off . I’m not one of them. Time goes by much more quickly when we are busy. Too much free time is not a good thing in my book, there’s not enough good TV shows to watch!

That reminds me thanks again for my TV, it has been great! And yes, they do pay me for tutoring. I get $2 a day and I teach 4 days a week except for holidays and over term breaks. They also give us tutors extra incentives like the movie and burger party they’re throwing next week.

            I’m not sure what a cinemascope TV is but I do know  Michael loves his gadgets. I’m sure he is really happy to have a new toy. You should have him fix the printer. I’m not sure why it’s not recognizing word but I’m sure Michael can figure it out and fix it. If you can’t get it to print pictures you can always put them on a C or thumb drive. (Mike could help with this too) and take them to any Wal-Mart or Walgreens and you can print them out onto photo paper at one of their user friendly kiosks.

It’s nice to hear that Todd is doing well at Lowe’s. He’s a great guy. If you see him again send him my love as well. I’m ecstatic that Jim won the Senate race. We actually didn’t see the race results here, so the first I heard of it was in your letter.

Strangely on Friday morning as I was reading your letter, a story came on where they were interviewing Jim and had him listed as Sen. Dabakis. The story was about the church’s new website. I’m very curious what kind of info the site has. If it won’t pain you too much I’d love it if you sent me some pages from their new site that I can pass around here.

I loved the article you sent on Michael Ferguson’s lawsuit. He really is a sharp guy. I had heard a lot about his suit on TV but I hadn’t put 2 and 2 together with who it was until I got your article. Could you get his address for me so I can write him a note of encouragement?

            I’m excited to hear that Seth’s publisher gave him the go ahead on your book. I’ve been telling my friends here about you and your history book. Let me know how you and he are working together. I’m sure it will take a while to put together but I’m pleased you’ve started.

            Keep us the good effort on your diabetes management your health is very important to a lot of people, myself included. I won’t tell anyone that chuck is on food stamps, hopefully he gets on disability or gets a job soon. Give the pups a hung from me and keep one for yourself. Also I’ll be sending a little Christmas surprise to you and the dogs next week. Kyle

 

16 December 2012 Sunday

Not sure what I ate last night but I woke from a dream where I had attended a huge Megaplex LDS Church meeting in some place like South Jordan where there were like a thousand people in church all younger than 40...many of the guys were wearing colored shirts like yellow and green...they were having a pot luck in the gym and they were dancing to some reggae lively songs and the kids were pounding the tables and I was asked to Baptize some kid and I kept asking for a Book of Mormon so I could read the Baptismal covenant found in the Book of Mormon but no one had one...but the Bishop had a microphone and he was leading the ward in a clapping song on stage.

I was to Baptize a boy named Mickey Moss but couldn't find the baptismal font and everyone was having such a good time that we forgot about it and we all went home.

I found my white truck with the LGBT Obama sticker on it and was surprised that it wasn't vandalized and then I woke up! I swear I am not on drugs but maybe lived in Utah too long.

Jon Schild wrote commenting on the dream: “Back in the late middle ages when I was a deacon we used to wear pastel colored dress shirts. Even pink. Nobody had a cow about it.”

I replied, “don't want Mormon boys to look like fags do we? Lol”.

Patty Reagan wrote this to me regarding my letter to the editor-"I've been meaning to tell you that I really appreciated your letter to the editor about the Mo's and gays. As soon as I heard about their "shift" I said out loud, "don't trust them." They are up to something...better PR after their Romney loss. Anyway, thanks. pr"

 

For those who do not know who Dr. Patty Reagan is... she has no lesser station than Sainthood in our community... A professor of health at the U of U she started the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation in 1985... With no funds or grants she started the first information organization in Utah on AIDS education and fought to educate this state about AIDS when the Utah Health Department refused.. The SLAF eventually became the Utah AIDS Foundation under Ben Barr... she is someone people should know who she is... people are alive today because of her.

 

17 December 2012 Monday

I heard from my cousin Stephanie Williams that Uncle Wallace Williams died yesterday.

Obituary in Lubbock Avalanche: Willard Wallace Williams LUBBOCK- Willard Wallace Williams, 85, passed away Sunday December 16, 2012 in Lubbock. Willard was born January 17, 1927 in Portales, New Mexico to Anne and Louis Williams. He grew up in eastern New Mexico and the plains of West Texas. Willard married Mattie Lee Jarnagin October 21, 1944 in Muleshoe, Texas. He served in the US Army during WWII. Willard was a wood craftsman and worked for Lubbock Asphalt until his retirement in 2001. He enjoyed square dancing, was a foster parent and a member of 1st Church of Christ in Shallowater. Survivors include his wife, Mattie; children, Gary Williams, Kay Stevens, Terrie Williams, Frances Griess; brother, Raymond Williams; nine grandchildren; nine great-grandchildren; and three great-great grandchildren. He was preceded in death by his parents; brothers, Edgar, and Milton; and sisters, Minnie, and Bonnie. Graveside services will be held today December 19 at 11:30 a.m. in Resthaven Memorial Park.

 

18 December 2012 Tuesday

My left eye surgery is today at St. Mark’s hospital. yay! Charles Frost will be taking me...

Back from eye surgery which took about 6 minutes...Charles Frost drove back and forth and made me some soup. The left eye is still slightly dilated so it will be a few hours to see the same out of both eyes

            Ed Firmage made a comment on my SL Tribune letter. He wrote: "The new kinder, gentler language is a velvet coated cudgel. But it's still a cudgel and will have the same effect as Boyd K.'s naked iron cudgel. I don't see the witch's hammer turning into a flower any time soon. That would require a miraculous discovery of self-awareness, compassion, and imagination on the part of church leadership. It would also require eating a likely fatal dose of crow."

I am pleased as punch that the Great Ed Firmage wrote in reaffirming my opinion.

 

19 December 2012 Wednesday

I took the day off for my appointment. I went in for my eye checkup at Hoopes Vision. The doc said my eyes were looking good and I have 20/20 in both which I never had before while wearing glasses. The future's looking so bright I've got to wear shades! And I am wearing some vintage sunglasses that were my dad's. Never thought I'd be able to wear them having to have prescription lenses but now I can. They look like they are from the 50's or 60's.

 

I Took Chuck Whyte out for Xmas lunch at the Chuck a Rama ... I wonder if they named it after him. LOL

Those of you who know long time community members Richard Packer and Steve Merrill will be sad to learn that Richard passed away at 4:30 today. They were a couple for over 30 years...Richard's family was authorized to make the final decision on terminating his life... not Steve, his companion, because Utah does not recognize any legal union between these men... It does not recognize the love and companionship and sacrifice that kept them together. RIP Richard.

Chuck Whyte wrote I remember all the many hours and the many donations Richard gave to our community....A True Community Icon is now watching over us..............” I replied: “oh the stories he could tell.”

Roland Ron Holmgren added: “So sad. What is terrible is that his family made the final decision. This should never have happened, and it should never happen again. We need to continue the good fight....where equality is for everyone, and this will be a thing of the past.”

Beau Chaine' wrote: For those who knew Richard and want to pay their respects: Funeral services will be held Saturday December, 22, 2012 at Jenkins-Soffe Mortuary, 1007 West South Jordan Pkwy, South Jordan Utah. Viewing at 12pm with the service beginning at 1pm. Interment will follow at Lindquist Cemetery, 1718 Combe Road, South Ogden, UT. In lieu flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

His partner Steve was mentioned in the obit as one of the surviving relatives "Richard is survived by his life partner Steve Merrill". It is my understanding that Steve was right there with the family and was involved with all decision making when the doctors left decisions to the family and he made it with them.”

I remarked back: “so glad to hear that... I really couldn't believe otherwise.”

 

20 December 2012 Thursday

            I had the kids perform the Bell That Couldn’t Ring all day going from classroom to classroom. I am sure the other teachers were happy for the distraction.

In the evening I went to Brewvies to see  a comedy  “The Family Stone” along with Amy Barry and Greg Hardin ... There was a pretty good turnout but then it is free and Brewvies serves Beer in the theater! Yes this is still Utah.

 

21 December 2012 Friday

The first day of Winter and school is out for the Winter Break. After doing a school wide sing-along in the auditorium after lunch we sent them all home. I am exhausted.

Finally feeling rested after going back to school yesterday and putting on 8 performances of The Bell that Couldn't Ring... my Xmas skit I've had kids do for 20 years... I am a dying breed no one does plays and skits anymore ... takes away "valuable time" from Math, reading and computers that your state legislators love so much... The arts especially dramatic arts are a casualty of Business men making policy for schools.

Haven't stayed out this late in a long time...went out on a date to dinner and a movie... and saw The Hobbit in 3 D...I think I would have enjoyed it just as well in 2D. We Ate at Z'Tejas at the Gateway and after the show when to SL Coffee break and talked until midnight... Well the place was packed with middle age Middle Eastern men playing card games and young couples...So this is what goes on in SLC after hours...Cool

 

22 December 2012 Saturday

We held the Winter Solstice Yule Festival tonight for the Utah Radical Faerie Tribe... I made onion soup and got all my candles lit and the room smudge with sage...now to welcome back the sun and celebrate the days getting longer again and remember our ancestors and loved ones who have passed over...

Only a few came over but we had a Merry Yule celebration ... we smudged... we shared... we ate... we laughed.

 

23 December 2012 Sunday

I am as busy as a relief society sister on Conference weekend... I went to Mimi's for breakfast with the Giles and Mike Romero...then back at home he locked his keys in his SUV that blocked my garage but he managed to pull the cruiser out with inches to spare only after I chopped my rose bush down and busted the sprinkler head...then after going over to his place to get his spare key he was able to unlock his SUV...

I baked a chocolate meringue pie and made 2 doz. whiskey balls to take to the Giles for Xmas eve.

I received a Xmas package from Kyle Foote who crocheted me a scarf and the dogs small blankets...I am Glad he learned a useful skill in prison...there he's in his orange jump suit busily knitting while the murderers he is housed with look on...My life is strange. Ho!

My grandma Williams had a little cafe in the 1930's in west Texas...they had no way to keep pies refrigerated so she made fruit pies or her cream pies without milk so they could set out on the counter... not that they lasted that long because they were so good.

The chocolate pie is really dark and has a fluffy meringue topping that is slightly toasted. I only make it at Xmas and it makes me feel close to my grandma still.

 The scarf and throw blankets are like Afghans made with plastic hook needles for sure... I am going with Xmas charity on this one and hoping he is becoming remorseful for past wrongs...he's in the pen for 5 years...

"Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body."

I went over to Chuck Whyte’s this afternoon and brought him a bag of cutie tangerines and some other sugar free food stuff for Christmas. In the evening I watched Scrooge My favorite Christmas Carol version...

I want some Taquitos with green sauce from Olvera Street and I want it now...Anybody mind driving to Los Angeles and back for me?

 

24 December 2012 Monday

I sent Kyle Foote $50 for Christmas. I put it on his books through Corrections Access the company I have to go through to transfer money into Kyle’s account at Gunnison. It cost $ 5.95 for each transaction.

             It’s an old fashion Christmas eve blizzard...The snow storm kept me home tonight rather than going to Daybreak to spend Xmas Eve with the Giles...At least got to see them yesterday when it was clear and beautiful…so spending Christmas Eve with Buddy and Daisy staying warm.... Hope everyone is happy and well.

I am watching OLIVER on Netflix. It’s  big musical for this wintry night. Santa won't come unless I go to bed. "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Steve Brackenbury  wrote me: “I am watching "Scrooge". A night of musicals...” and I replied, :I watched Scrooge the night before which made me think of Oliver... reading about it I found out something I never knew, the boy who played Oliver couldn't sing so they had a girl dub in his singing voice LOL. He also claimed to be a godfather to one of Michael Jackson's children

 

25 December 2012 Tuesday Christmas Day

Deck the halls with snow Christmas 2012. It’s Christmas morning and it’s a beautiful morning looking out from my bedroom. Look at Frosty go bumpety bump over the hills of snow! I spent Christmas Day alone with Daisy and Buddy. I didn’t hear from anyone so I guess everyone had a good day.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas and someone cute to come shovel the snow...

Salt Lake City is having a very White Christmas ... I sometimes miss my Southern California Christmases with palm trees wrapped as candy canes, golden tinsel draped across the street signs slightly blowing in the warm breeze, shopping at Buena Park Plaza, walking around Virginia Gift Shop at Knott’s Berry Farm, taking Grandma and Grandpa Johnson walking out on the quarter mile Huntington Beach Pier, watching the color lights change on our aluminum Christmas tree and bowls of ribbon Christmas candy, divinity, and fudge and the big family get togethers in Downey or Norwalk with the Williams' clan and smelling grandpa Williams chili permeating the air. Grandma, mom, Aunt Bonnie, Aunt Minnie, Aunt Marie, all in the kitchen, and all gone now... I was one lucky little Gay boy.

Uh Oh! Two giant Magpies have landed on my deck! Are they scouts for an advancing army for this Spring? Will there be a Magpie War 2013? Do I need to gird Daisy's loins and get her a leather helmet? So far it’s been Peace of Earth because the Magpies are staying up in the trees. Heckle and Jeckle just better behave or it might be war.

Chuck Whyte wrote me: “You need to leave those sweet birds alone or they just might gang up on you and peck out your new eyes. I thought you were going to go out and clear your walks.....maybe you forgot already.....I heard that you are so old that you were in college when Santa was born.........LMFAO.......BTW HAPPY CHRISTMAS YOU OLD FART.........

Brandon Burt wrote: When I was in Cornwall in the southwest of England, I learned that the charm for magpies is, "One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, and four for a boy." So think of two magpies as a good omen for the coming year.”

 

26 December 2012 Wednesday

I Hope everyone enjoyed Christmas as much as I did. I am spending some time with Charles Lynn Frost, hubby Doug Lott, and their friend Chris Wixom today. Wonderful food, conversation, Figgie pudding, and I even had a Cosmopolitan Cocktail! ohhh look at me! so sophisticated!

 

27 December 2012 Thursday

At least half a foot of snow fell last night... The Snow blower wouldn't start so I shoveled the driveway, the sidewalks by hand and it took an hour... Light powdery snow just a lot of it... If I hadn't had to go to my eye examination would have stayed in bed!

 

28 December 2012 Friday

Everything I know about making Quiche, I learned from Charles Lynn Frost... I guess we aren't real men lol

 

29 December 2012 Saturday

I never taught in a school where prayer was banned in Utah... I only objected once to my principal when the PTA at Orchard used to start its meetings with a Mormon Prayer to Heavenly Father... that’s done away with now... When the district did get sued it was because of dumb ass teachers who preferred one religion over another... Religion is totally prevalent in Utah schools because the heavy influence of Mormon teachers.

At Orchard, teachers used to have Mormon temples as screen savers on their computers or pictures of General Authorities on the wall behind their desks.. I knew of one woman. Elayne Day who kept her Book of Mormon displayed on her desk... Parents would ask me if their children could get credit for reading the book of Mormon...

I knew a teacher, Reva George who would not teach Earth Science because she did not believe the Earth is billions of years old... No one in elementary school would even have taught about Prehistoric Men except for me... I took so much flak from parents whenever I dared teach about anything that might hurt their children's "testimonies".

I needed a massage today and looked up on Craig’s List for someone who would do it nude and not be too expensive.  There was a guy close by that I contacted this morning but he didn’t get back to me until I had called Patrick Ryan up for a massage today. He’s located in an old building called Wasatch Plaza in suite #6 about 2200 South and 5th East. I was there at 4:30 and stayed a full hour for $40. He gives a great massage and we are both nude. He mounted me towards the end and I really needed that tension reliever too.

This other 46 year old guy named Concord finally got back to me in the evening and wrote: “What I offer is approx. 50 min of pampering combining a therapeutic and sensual massage for $40. Located in Rose Park area of Salt Lake City (approx. 1000 N 1700 W) and available 7 days a week afternoon evening and late night (times vary). I can also do out call sessions providing a wonderful full body massage in the comfort of your home or hotel if you prefer.  I use a professional massage table (In-call only). and use a very nice massage oil. Write back and let me know if you are still interested and we can set something up. nude to nude on request.”

He’s so close to where I live I will have to keep him in mind.

I received a letter from Kyle Foote dated 23 December 2012;

“Dear Ben, I hope this letter finds you well my friend. Today is Christmas eve’s eve, Even in prison, Christmas is everywhere. I just returned from an interfaith service where they read the story of Jesus’ birth from the Bible and we sang carols. It was a little too Christian for my taste but I went with friends and enjoyed the experience,  nonetheless.

Last night I went with the same friends to a Christmas Choir performance put on by the LDS inmate choir, that was quite good. They’ve been showing all sorts of holiday movies on TV and the prison will be giving us a nice dinner and breakfast on Christmas Day. I also bought a few bags of candy that I’ll be wrapping up and passing out to the people in my section who don’t have anything of their own and to my friends as well All things considering I think Christmas should be nice this year.

            How did your eye surgery go? Hopefully everything went well and you are well on your way to healing by the time this letter arrives.

I’m glad to hear you are doing so much baking. I know how much you enjoy making things for the people you love. It’s also nice about that you’ve been making the holiday part rounds. A Christmas day soak in the now working hot tub sounds like a perfect way to spend the day.

Personally I’ve always found Christmas day itself to be rather anti-climactic. By the day itself everything has already happened. I much prefer the lead up. I’m sure you’ll make the most of your day even if it’s just you and the pups.

Thanks for the picture in your last letter. I showed it to all my friends. It was a little small but nice to see their faces. Of course everybody knows about Buddy and Daisy since I spent so long working on their blankets. People kept asking who the baby blankets were for and I told them they were actually for dogs not people. I hope they liked their presents and you yours. I sent them out last Sunday, hopefully you got everything before Christmas.

            I sent out a handful of Christmas cards last week including one to Jami who I still haven’t heard from in over 3 months. Have you heard from her at all or talked to her since we began corresponding? Hopefully everything’s okay with her.

Over this next year I want to try to get more friends’ addresses so I can send out more cards next Christmas. I didn’t send on to Greg Hardin though. He is such a complicated individual. Don’t be surprised when he tells Amy Barry that we are writing. He can’t keep a secret to save his life. I need to fill my life with good friends who accept me for who I am and inspire integrity. Unlike you Greg does not bring the good out in me.

            I just finished reading Edmund White’s book “City Boy”. I marked a passage in the end because it made me think of you and some of the stories you shared with me from your past and it also clearly illustrates one of the ways I went wrong living my life.

Here is what he wrote: “ In the 1970s gay New Yorkers had decided to separate out friendship, love, and sex. The friend, the lover, and the fuck buddy were three different people… This division of labor… gave the starring role to friendship…our friends were the ones we cherished and pursued and cultivated. We could say strategic things to lovers and seductive things to tricks, but a friend deserved the truth. With a friend we had to get things right.”

            I definitely didn’t give you the truth you deserved as my dearest friend. I’ll do my best to get things right moving forward.

            Since I have so much time for reading, if you wouldn’t mind send me a few suggestions of good Gay history books that I should read, or even books on LDS history or anything else you think I might like, just suggest the titles and I’ll see if we have them in our library here.

Also if you look on Edward R. Hamilton’s website (a book seller) and you provide me with the book number and price I can order it directly from them from in here. We get catalogs from them in here, but they don’t list a majority if books that are for sell and a lot of their books sell for under $5 so I can afford them.

 

            I was thrilled to hear that you pissed off Valerie Larabee and the “establishment”. I shared all of the articles and letters to the editor with my friends here. All of us were loudly applauding your sentiments even my Mormon Republican friend Todd. (I’m slowly converting him to the dark side.)

Send in as many articles as you like. I love reading them and they make me feel involved and informed. Too bad the Q doesn’t mail subscriptions any more or I’d order one of those. 

Speaking of subscriptions I ordered a few magazines, there was a deal to get  magazines for $20 so I ordered Rolling Stones, Reader’s Digest, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics and National Geographic. It seemed like a goof deal given my limited resources and also that’s all the more they’ll call my name at mail call, always a nice feeling.

            I’ll wrap this letter up now. Send more pictures (larger ones at least) and then I’ll stop nagging you. Well, probably not stop, but at least slow down on the nagging. Hugs all around to you and the dogs. Love Kyle

 

30 December 2012 Sunday

Corn bread and a bowl of pinto beans ahh I am such Southern white trash but the vittles are good eatin's

One glass of eggnog with brandy and I am ready for bed... such a light weight but bought me a new garbage disposal today! Yay! and a new snow shovel …boo!

My cousin Chris Johnson wrote: Granddad used to call that "strawberry shortcake". Hope you had a good Christmas Ben! I'm just glad it's over. Also contemplating deactivating my FB account - having trouble seeing the point anymore.

I replied, “oh stop it ... you use it to be interesting, funny, quirky, obnoxious, and keep me entertained and yes I am glad Xmas is over.”

Chris is my oldest cousin's son...knew him since he was a baby...he's from my mom's gregarious hillbilly side of the family ... the ones who never met a stranger... but he's the smart one in the family...

 

31 December 2012 Monday

It’s snowing this morning and I am getting rid of Christmas 2012...should I store everything in the closet or the trash can? I am wavering towards trash can...Surrounded by dirty dishes while lounging in bed watching all the episodes of “Neighbors” on Hulu while it snows...best New Year Eve EVER! Now I am  eating a 7 layer bean dip with corn chips watching Spielberg’s “TinTin” on the big screen with Buddy curled up in my arms.

Well the year is about over. I guess the Mayan calendar was wrong and it wasn’t the end of the world except for Kyle Foote. His world ended and he has spent his first year incarcerated for leading a hedonistic sociopathic life.

I have survived Psychic Jeanne Dixon's 1962 End of the World Prediction, Charlie Manson's 1969 Race War prediction, 1975 Jehovah Witnesses end of the world prediction, Pat Robertson's 1982 end of the world prediction, Hal Lindsey's 1988 Rapture prediction and  1995 Comet Hale-Bopp end of the world prediction. I am not too worried about the end of the world. It will happen when I die.

 

            It’s been really weird that Kyle has reached out to me, when last year this time he didn’t want anything to do with me and he had broken my heart. I guess being in jail gives one time to really reflect on a dissipated life. I haven’t mentioned to most people that I am writing Kyle and sending him money because I just don’t want to deal with their judgment of me. I love Kyle in a way even I can’t understand so how would I expect others to do so?

            I haven’t kept up much this month in my journal. December is really taxing for elementary school teachers. The kids are so wired and hyped for Christmas that it takes all my energy to keep them on task.  I decorated the house some, put up a tree, and strung some lights on the porch and over the garage. I don’t know why I bothered because no one really comes over.

            Mike Romero’s mother has been really sick and I doubt whether the Romeros will ever be coming down to spend Christmas here ever again. I don’t hear anything from my family.

            But I have Daisy and Buddy and they are enough. Mike Romero’s dog Coco comes over through the week so I have her too.

            My eye surgery went well  at Hoopes Vision and that is like a miracle that I have 20/15 vision and only need reading glasses.

            I have been on hook up sites a lot over the Christmas Break but except for paying for some massages that is the only sexual encounters I’ve had. I am not sure why I bother except I get lonely for physical contact, mainly. I don’t want to have my heart broken again and I am still bonded to Kyle.

            So here I am a 61 year old man living alone again. I wonder what the New Year will bring.  I hope a Happy and Sane New Year for everyone... Let's all be a little kinder to each other in 2013 and tell each other “we love you and appreciate you more often”...

When the Ball drops in New York City it's the New Years in America as far as I'm concerned... So Auld Lang Syne everyone , Sleep well and watch the Rose Parade tomorrow!