Autumn 4th Quarter Journal 2023 October-December

 

OCTOBER

1 October 2023 Sunday

Today was one of the worse heartbreaks in my life when I saw Adrian get arrested. This morning I called Kyle and asked if he wanted me to bring him some clothes to Motel 6 so I went down stairs to get him some pants, a shirt, and a change of underwear. Adrian was in bed but I didn’t say anything to him that might set him off.

When I got into my car I saw Adrian rush out of the house and get into  his KIA and soon realized he was following me to find out where Kyle was. I stop at Common Cents just to pretend I was going to get a drink and  I then rolled down my window and asked Adrian what was he doing but he was still super angry and he reached into the car and grabbed all the clothes I was bringing. At that point I felt I had to call Kyle because I didn’t know what Adrian was capable of because it was like he was not in his right mind

 Kyle said he was calling the police to come the house and arrested Adrian for domestic abuse as Kyle really felt threatened. He told me to return, sit in the car, and wait for the police to show up.

When they did, Kyle showed up at the same time and the officers had me fill out a witness report as I had seen Adrian strike Kyle. Then they asked me to take them into the house and we went into the downstairs bedroom where I saw Adrian dressed and coming out of the bathroom.

He looked surprised but resigned and I thought my heart would break seeing him getting handcuffed. He asked if he could put on shoes as he was had bare feet. He did not resist in the least and was so much like the boy I loved I could hardly stand it. The police took him out of the house and the family was on the front steps so upset and crying and Milagros trying to say that Adrain only had wanted to reconcile.

I was weeping so much that I only said to them go back inside and rest and I then drove off to Bewilder as it was after 10 and Kyle stayed behind to talk to the family about what had happened.

I couldn’t get the image out of head of seeing Adrian taken away but I opened the kitchen the best I could to keep me from having a total breakdown as I knew my heart could stand only so much pain.

I had to help Kyle in the kitchen as now there is no workers besides me.  I was truly heart broken and don't know how much more grief I can handle but I will.

I concentrated on making chicken and pork schnitzel as we were all out of chicken schnitzel and Kyle spent the morning peeling and chopping onions for the caramelized Onions we serve on just about every sandwich. Working was the only way to keep from breaking down, which I did once in a while weeping in the office. I knew Kyle was in real pain also because I knew he still loved Adrian as I do.

I feel like I have no one to talk to with about this heart ache as I just don't want anyone to know that Adrian got arrested this morning but I was just devastated. I never saw that side of Adrian and he was always so sweet and good to me so I am just so hurt that I was the one that brought the police into the room to witness him being taken away in handcuffs.

Thank God we did not have a busy day which was a mixed blessing because we were physically and emotionally exhausted but we only had like a $400 day where a $1000 is about average. Since Kyle lost all his workers it's been me and him running the kitchen working long days but Kyle spent some time placing ads out for additional help  as that tomorrow Bewilder is kicking off X96 Week.

I was a cook long before I was a teacher and I feel I must support Kyle. It won't be forever but this on top of the drama at home I am just weary but like I once said, we do what we have to do until we cant.

I left around 5:30 to go back to the house to feed the pups, dreading to have to interact with them after this morning but pulling into the driveway, Adrian’s car was gone and inside no one was in the house. Beds were torn apart and my first instinct was that they were gone and didn’t want to be here anymore, angry over Adrian being arrested. Again, it was another bruise on a broken heart. It appeared to me in my foggy thinking

the family had just packed up and left after thinking I was the one who had the police come to the house. I was simply devastated and heartbroken, even more if possible.

            Coming back to Bewilder, I told Kyle that the family was gone and I think that was another blow to him. But I went back to work helping and washing up from all the prep work we did as well as dishes. I would get weepy at times missing the family being here as that was for me the joy of being down here, even as tiresome as it was.

            At one point we put some money into an account for him because we didn’t know how long he may have to stay before seeing a judge but later Kyle was notified that Adrian had been released but he was still worried what Adrian might do so he closed early and sent me home to lock the house up so if Adrian did come he couldn’t get in.

            So, I left, went home was shocked to see Adrians car in the drive way and lights on. I timidly went into the house to investigate and was astonished that all the family was there. I was dumbfounded and had to ask what was happening.

I had Luisana come into the bedroom and she was crying and I was crying and the family said how much the loved me and had taken the money that Phil McCarthy had given me for them to bail Adrian out but knew he could not come back to the house. She was upset that I would be upset about taking the money but I wasn’t because it was for them and it helped Adrian get released from jail.

I am just sort of disappointed that the $1600 is gone now because of the cushion psychologically it had given me.

            Milagros came into the room also and was trying to comfort and reconcile with me and I got the impression from what I could understand that they didn’t want to leave and wanted to come back to work for Kyle. I said that Kyle is not a bad man but Adrian and his relationship is complicated and probably not suited for one another which is not to say we don’t love Adrian.

            Finally, I called Kyle as he wanted me to let him know when the house was locked up and instead I had to let him know the family hadn’t left and was reconciled to what happened with Adrian this morning was brought about by Adrian not controlling his emotions.

            So, Kyle came home around 9 and with trepidation, sat down with the family at the kitchen table and at that point I was out of the loop as the conversation turned to Spanish. I could only read their reactions and everyone was crying at one point, even Kyle, which I rarely ever saw him do.

            Luis Negron, the dad, was in the bedroom during all this and he came out and shook Kyle and my hands so I know there was no hard feelings on his part but the family left with him to go pick up Adrian who was released from jail to find a place for him to stay as he isn’t allowed by the protective order to come to the house without two police officers with him.

            After they left, Kyle and I visited in the front room about his and Adrian’s relationship and Kyle admitted that what prompted the latest fight was Adrian’s outrage that Kyle was cheating on him. Its wild that for many Gay men, me included that we can separate sex from love and while Kyle enjoys fucking around it means little to him as much as the “companionship love” he has for Adrian.  

He said that sex with Adrian 2 or 3 times a week is plenty for him while Adrian wants to be intimate with him constantly. I know a lot of that is simply the 20 year age difference. Also, I think for Adrian constant sex for him is also a constant validation of himself. Sexual dynamics is so complicated among Gay men…perhaps simply men in general or at least some men.

So, we are finding Adrian a place to stay until we can figure this craziness out. I went to bed after 10 thinking how crazy my world is: living with people and not simply dogs.

2 October 2023 Monday

I woke up around 3 with cramps in both my legs which eventually I was able to rub out and when I was typing up my journal my fingers on my left hand cramped up. Over using them I guess.  The kids went off to school like normal so life is normal for them at least. I walked the pups and for a change Lulubelle wanted to go this time. It was gloomy out like it might rain today and the weather had changed to fall being chilly.

            Another weary day full of worries and weeping. It was nearly 10 when I knocked on Kyle’s door and he hadn’t even dressed yet so I said I would go down to Bewilder and open up the best I could. He came later after 10:30 and said that the family didn’t spend the night at the house.

            It started raining this morning and Kyle sent me off to Harmons on 13^th South and 15^th East to buy $160 worth of brats. It was pouring down rain and I was soaked just going back to the car. As Kyle was alone at Bewilder I hurried as fast as I could back through the rainstorm.

            At Bewilder I was surprised to see Milagros and Lusianna there but they didn’t stay long just stopped to see Kyle. Evidently they had spent the night with Adrian at his motel all crying all night long. Additionally Luisiana and Luis caught whatever Lucianny had and had broken out in spots and itching so since it was contagious it must have been something like the measles or chicken pox. I imagine Adrian must have driven them but parked further away.

            After that it was a very slow day since it was raining so hard all afternoon. Kyle and I visited a lot about Adrian and Kyle went on line to find a marriage counselor that perhaps they both could attend.

            As it was so slow, I went home around 2:30 because I needed to feed the pups and cook them some chicken. I called Mike Romero up and asked if he would let Adrian stay with him for a few days but didn’t tell him why except that Kyle and him were fighting again. He said sure no problem. I told Luisiana that Adrian could stay with Mike and be close to the family and to try and convince him to do so.

            Milagros fixed a plate of beans, rice, and a small steak for lunch. I ate  with them but then after feeding the pups around 3:00 I headed back to Bewilder.  I was texting Adrian back and forth trying to get him to listen to reason and to go stay with Mike but he was in such a bad depression, nothing I could say could convince him.

            After it stopped raining it began to pick up and we were rather busy, the two of us for the rest of the night until after 8. I was so exhausted emotionally and physically that I just wanted to sit down and cry but that would not have helped.

            Kyle said that he had three people lined up to be interviewed on Wednesday to come to work as a prep cook, a dish washer, and a line cook. We just don’t know if Milagros and Luisana will ever return but we are still hoping.

            I texted Adrian back and forth  when I could and Kyle even wrote him, as me, saying we loved him, but Adrian’s in a very dark place right mentally. Even saying he wants to return to Columbia. He also sounded like he didn’t want to live with his sister here either.

Around 8:30 I was gave out, from driving in the rain, working since 10 this morning and emotionally concerned about Adrian but I was so fatigued that Kyle sent me home as he was going to close at 9 anyway and after I did come clean up, I left Kyle to close.

            I came home to a dark house but brought some old brats home to share with the pups before going to bed about 9:30.  I know I have done all that I could and have little more left to give.

Conversations with Adrian:

Adrian Villalobos “I feel very devastated, I feel that it is a very unfair situation for me, my only mistake was trying to fight my husband, a man who I have loved with all my heart. A home that is being destroyed and I can't explain why all this happened overnight. It hurts me even more that today. I cannot step into my home and be able to live my 4th month anniversary today. I am a great person and a young man very dedicated to everything he does. I dedicate myself to my husband, to my home, to my family, to the business, to my studies, and to my sport. I am a healthy person! and with you- you are my grandfather you are my dad you are my friend and I love you too and you are in my heart no matter what happens

 I asked, “Do you feel okay staying at Michael Romero for a few nights? I called and he said he is happy to have you. He has an extra need and you know Coco and it’s neat us on 4^th North and 4^th West. He does

Adrian wrote I think that even if I'm on the street, what matters most is stopping the problem. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the officers to build a case and then go to court to tell my version and the truth is I don't want to prolong the problem anymore. I think there are things. More important than solving my stay is the same where I am without Kyle and he is happy without me.

I replied to Adrian, I know you are very right now, but we want you safe and near your family and Michael likes you a lot and one step at a time. Everyone wants you at Mikes. Being close to family will be good for you and your family and for us. I just want to hug you again. Kyle loves you very much, and he wants to resolve things as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, the decision for you to move back in together is not up to him right now. That will be a decision for a judge. He will petition for the judge to allow contact as soon as possible, at the very least, through an intermediary. I know Kyle loves you. He wants to be married to you. He wants you to be happy and safe and content in your home together. He also needs to feel safe from the violence. I need to know that you will never physically assault him again, no matter what. I know you're a good person. I know you love Kyle. I think if you guys get counseling together with a therapist, you can talk through your differences and be happy together. Kyle wants to be with you. He misses you. He cries every time we talk about you, especially today on your 4 month anniversary together. We all love you. I love you. Kyle loves you. Your family loves you. We want you in our home together.

Adrian Villalobos “I am only waiting for him to resolve all the damage that has occurred. No, I would never beat him or anyone else or act with violence because yesterday I learned that people do not change with blows, those who want to change and do things well do it from the heart. So, I will never make that mistake again, but a betrayal hurts and his words also hurt me, but I am no longer here to talk about the past, it is time to look for a quick solution, which is the only current reality. but really I must act to resolve my life because life goes on and I need a new home and a new job as soon as possible I am broke, I don't have any money and I need to move to solve things and I can't build something and then leave everything thrown to return to Kyle then everything is in his hands. And really, it's not because I'm trying to create harm, nor do I tell lies or want to make things worse, but maybe I have a plan to return to Colombia with my mom since they wouldn't travel anyway. I feel alone in this country and I won't be able to heal alone if Kyle doesn't. this one I prefer to go away.

I wrote “We don't want you to leave. We all love you. Will you go to therapy with Kyle to try to talk through your differences? He really wants you back but you have to meet him half ... all that I have written comes from his heart. Please don't throw away a chance to be happy again. That is why you need to stay with Michael so you have an address and your clothes and things you need.

Adrian Villalobos “The truth is, I don't need therapist help. I just know that I love him. I have Lara eyes. He is the man who moves my floor. He is the man that I adore and I don't need anyone else to complement me. I am clear about my feelings. But if he wants therapist help, I can support him as I have always done, support him in everything and obviously when one loves and wants one, one defends one's own with teeth and nails. but violence will never be my priority, neither with him nor with anyone.

No, like I told you, I'm not going to bother other people's houses. I think I have my house and my home and it's at 1633 N Fernleaf St! and if not there with my husband as soon as possible. I prefer to find my own means

I wrote “Well, it will be up to the judge on Wednesday what happens. I love you very much, and Kyle loves you very much. I hope you find a  way to resolve this with Kyle. I think the judge will require therapy. You may not have a choice. No matter what, I love you, and you are family to me. I don't want you to leave

Adrian Villalobos “I don't want to leave either but my life also continues and I have to look after it, believe me, I'm doing my part as flexible as possible when I make a decision it's final. but this time I am thinking about being with the man I should love and the man who is my husband today and I hope will be my husband forever.

I wrote, “I miss you so much and your happy face and you singing sugar sugar and Adrian, I know the good times you have had with Kyle outweighs the bad but I will miss you so much that  I can't  hardly stand it but love you enough to respect whatever you decide is best but please let me help. Milagros and Luisana may have some money to help you to night... I gave them what I had in the house for your bond so you wouldn't be in jail anymore. I know you are a Proud and independent man

Adrian Villalobos, “We hope Kyle resolves! As I told you, everything is in your hands and before a judge. Don't worry, I love you with my life and I also long to sing along and accompany you until you are older because if something happens to you, I wouldn't stand it.

I wrote, “Kyle is going to be at your hearing on Wednesday so have faith in us.

He weeps almost every time I show him what you have written ... his heart is so heavy right now he said he couldn't read anymore because it hurts so much also.

Adrian Villalobos, “That's right, but since I love that man and he doesn't understand that I give my life for him, I carry him in my blood, those street kids are for seconds and I am forever in his life and I just want him to value me. and dedicate myself to not wasting time or losing a beautiful relationship and home that not everyone has, we are gay and Kyle and I have a built life that no one has and I am leaving my pride aside

I wrote, “You are his one companion... they only one he truly loves, The only one...

Adrian Villalobos “That's how we are, I have to continue my life while he resolves.

Tomorrow I have to build the case with an officer to tell my version and I don't want the problem to drag on any longer. I don't want this caliber of problems anymore. I don't want any more problems for me or for him. I hope I can stop all this. Although I am devastated by what he did and failed me. I still love him because when you love you forgive whatever as long as the occasion is not repeated because I also have value as a person. we must be happy and not live in an appearance of happiness

I wrote “We are getting busy in the kitchen so if I don't respond  it is not because I don't love you

Adrian Villalobos Ok

I wrote “It finally slowed down... I don't know how much longer I can keep this up at my age but not much else I can do...poor Luisana and Luis  came down with same thing tutu had so they are sick...I hope you stay well... I hope you get some rest... love you always.”

3 October 2023 Tuesday

Such a long hard day but Adrian is home again and that is all that matters. I took Lucianny to school this morning as it looked like more rain. Also, I had to meet Mike Romero up at Lodders to take him home. I finally told him all that was going on with Kyle and Adrian, and how hard I have been working at the Kitchen with just Kyle and me.

I came home, walked the dogs, and went into work at 9 to start the day and open up the kitchen. I knew I would have to clean and clear up anything Kyle had left.

He came in around 10 from having a meeting with the Lulu Pizzeria folks in South Jordan. So, I had the place ready by 11 and it was slow because it was gloomy out and Kyle finally had a change of heart and decided to rescind the order against Adrian coming home.

First he had to have me go home and tell Luisana to call him and then Adrian as he couldn’t get Luisiana on the phone. He had to have Luisiana talk to Adrian because legally he was not allowed to have contact with him. Kyle had as conditions for Adrian to come home that he agrees to attend marriage counseling and temporarily sleep upstairs.

Adrian agreed to the terms so Kyle closed the kitchen up so we could go down to the police station for Kyle to get the release. Back at the kitchen Kyle interviewed a few people to hire to help out.

At 230 I went home and took a nap for a half hour and then walked and fed the dogs. No one was home but Luis who was sick in bed. I was back at Bewilder by 4:30 to get ready for the evening.

Kyle was told that a group of 50 were coming in as well as anyone else so we would be hit hard. We stocked up as much as we could and then around 6 to 8 we were slammed. Kyle was pushing out orders and I was the fry cook and assisting where I could.

It was more than exhausting and almost unbelievable 2 people especially an old man like me could serve around 70 people or more. We made nearly $1000 today and the majority of that was between 6 and 8.

We were so slammed that I had no opportunity to do any pots, pans, or dishes. When I could, I went and retrieved the piles into the kitchen but the sinks were having draining issues so I couldn’t even do the dishes.

Kyle  knew I was played out and told me to go home, which I reluctantly did leaving him to close up the best he could when he decided to close. He wanted me to go home and check on things there.

When I saw Adrians car in the driveway it was like gloom had lifted and coming inside I found him in the spare bedroom, I burst into tears. And just held him and he me and I could tell he was happy or more than happy, perhaps relieved to be home. Our home. Once I knew he was home and okay I left him and called Kyle before going to bed. He wanted to be informed about the situation at the house and I told him I thought it was all good. I went to bed around 930 and heard Kyle come in around 1130

Craven McCarthy is no longer Speaker of the House and 3rd in Line to the Presidency lol...Matt Gaetz got his way and now the Republican Civil War begins

4 October 2023 Wednesday

I was up early to fix Adrian some breakfast as I said I would although he wasn’t up. Only Tutu was up as she left to catch the school bus. I left the house at 8:30 as I had to go to Lucky’s and get some coffee filters, hot chocolate, and marshmallows, my only simple joy these days.

            When I came into the kitchen at Bewilder at 9 the place was stacked with pots and pans and trays that hadn’t been washed last night. So, I turned on all the equipment and thought I better wait on washing up until Kyle comes in because I don’t want to flood the place with the drains.

            Instead, I made 42 chicken schnitzels. Kyle called after 10 and said he would be in as soon as he could, but he had a nose bled that wouldn’t quit so I opened as best as I could. He came in finally after eleven but we didn’t have any orders until noon.

            The gal who works the bar and waitresses said that the business is so slow during the day that she doesn’t know if she can stay as she feels like she is almost volunteering if she is working mainly for tips. I just don’t think the Microbrewery is where people come for lunch and is more of an evening place to have a glass of beer with a meal. There are not any real business around Bewilder that people would just drop in and out on 4^th West the islands in the middle of the street are filled with homeless camping out.

            Kyle had his first session with the therapist over zoom at noon while I did up almost all the dishes. It was truly exhausting as they were all left over from last night’s big rush.  It was grueling and my backed ached. He had me go home at 1 as it was slow and I did not argue because I was so tired.

            As I pulled into the garage, Adrian also pulled into the driveway coming back from the gym. Upstairs, Milagros was fixing some lunch and I had Adrian come into the bedroom to talk. Kyle wanted me to remind him that the zoom Therapy session is this Friday and I also asked whether Milagros was coming back to work. She said she would help out this evening if Kyle asked her so I called Kyle to tell him to ask..

In the mail Adrian’s Social Security Card came so he can legally work. I was napping when I heard him scream with excitement so I got up to see what was going on.  He was so excited and well he should be and I said see now you are an American.  Now he can legally work anywhere.

I went and laid back down until 3:30 then was up to walk and feed the pups. It’s almost worse taking a nap because I am so groggy afterwards.

Anyway, Milagros went with me to Bewilder at 5 and I can’t relate how much that meant to me and I am sure Kyle also. Wednesdays are Trivia Nights and we were super busy for almost 3 solid hours pushing out food. Millagros worked the fryer and Kyle the line and I kept up with the dishes as well and did prep work as they needed. I don’t know how we had managed with just the two of us. It truly takes at minimum  3  people to work the kitchen at night.

I stayed the entire time and closed with Milagros while Kyle took a well-deserved rest. He left at one point near closing to go to the store but we had no orders when he was gone as it was nearly 10.

He took home in his car and when I pulled into the garage I saw Kyle give Milagros a single red rose. I am sure when Luisana gets well she will want to return also. I don’t know whether Adrian will or not. I was in bed by 10:30.

             Is it me or do Republicans act like petulant children who if they don’t get their way they throw a tantrum and try to shut down the government. The very first action of Speaker Pro Temp Patrick McHenry was to evict Nancy Pelosi from her office while she is attending Dianne Feinstein’s funeral...Republicans are despicable

5 October 2023 Thursday

After feeding the pups the treats and taking them for an early walk came back and found that Lulubelle had peed in the bed so I had to strip it and going into the bathroom to do the wash, I saw that the toilet was clogged. I had to go down and wake Kyle up as he had the only plunger in the house downstairs.

After dealing with that, after Milagros and Kyle went off to Bewilder, I took Adrian down to his bank at Wells Fargo and put $500 in his account so he could pay for his English Lesson from a SLCC tutor

            I went to Bewilder by 11 and work until after 2. When I first got there Milagros was upset because Kyle’s nose was bleeding again and she was worried gain that Kyle would have Adrian arrested again. I hugged her and assured her that wasn’t going to happen. Kyle was adamant that he didn’t want Adrian to work there anymore.

I came back to the house to rest, fix the pups their supper and walk them. Adrain was coming back from the gym and I talked to him  about reapplying at Newrest  where he worked before he was fired for not having any documentation. He said his friend Gabby may be able to get him back on there. I said having his own financial independence would be good for him and didn’t want him to know what Kyle had told me.

I was back at 530 and while it was a busy night it was not like Tuesday. I was really tired but stayed until closing at 10 so the others could also get out at a decent time.

6 October 2023 Friday

I woke Adrian up a little before 8 this morning because I said I would pay for his oil change in the KIA. Kyle wanted me to drive the Terrain so as to have the oil change in that vehicle also. We were at Walmart in Centerville by 8:20 and they were already busy. . We were informed it would be at least an hour and a half wait. 

I thought we could walk over to Chili’s to get some breakfast which after going there saw that they didn’t open until 11 so we had to go back to Walmart to just wait.

            A young couple with lots of groceries were sitting in the only bench available so Adrian and I had to stand the whole time leaning on a stack of tires. I remember when I was much younger I would give up my seat to older people but it’s a different world today.

            It was almost 10:30 before both vehicle were done and I had to sign a waiver that Adrian’s car had virtually no oil in it. I paid about $117 for the both of them. Then I had to hurry to Bewilder as the key to open the building was on Kyle’s key ring but when I reached there, they had managed to get in.

 Kyle had his marriage therapy session at 1 and he went and sat in the Terrain while Millagros and I held down the fort for him but we only had one or two orders and Millagros knows more what to do then me so I was just a helper.

            Kyle came back all smiles so I imagine it went well but I didn’t ask or pry figuring if he wanted to tell me anything he would later. I was so tired that I left to go home to go to Smith’s to buy treats for the pups and take a nap and no one was there that I could see. I slept until around 4 to go walk the pups as they didn’t get a morning walk.       

Walking along the south sidewalk I saw what looked like shattered safety glass and on closer inspection I saw that two of Mike’s trailer’s windows had been broken out with a large rock. Mike hadn't been home two weeks and someone smashed out his camper windows just to be malicious. I heard something like a small blast early this morning which woke me and the pups but I didn't have a chance to see the camper until walking the pups this afternoon.

So, coming back from the walk I took pictures of the damage and sent them to Mike who is still without  his truck which was still at Lodders. He said he’d call the insurance and make a police report but will look for a safer place to store the trailer.

            Leaving to go back to Bewilder I saw Adrian and Luisiana together in his vehicle. He seemed all smiles and poor Luisiana was still covered with pox marks but said she feels better. She even tried to go into work but was still too itchy.

            Adrian got a paper to permit him to work in the United States although I heard that Biden administration has made a deal with Venezuela to deport people who came after July. I still think our group is still safe.

            I was so exhausted today. Just wore out I think. Maybe I am just tired but I am sick of Utah drivers who would rather run you off the road rather than let you merge on to the Freeway rather than move over a lane. Then at work my metal drink container fell where I put it on top of the FIT and conked me in the head from which I have a bump now.

            Kyle said we were closing early by 9:30 because he was having the vents over the grill and fryer cleaned tonight with people coming in to do it. We were super slow for a Friday also for some reason.

However, Kyle was in a very good mood and around 8:30 Adrian showed up dressed handsomely in new shoes and pants. My heart was  glad to see him. Kyle asked me to take Milagros home when we closed so he could be with Adrian. So, I can only hope for the best that therapy is working or at least they are attempting to make it work.

I thought in your old age, people were supposed to take care of you instead of visa versa ... lol oh  well I am a Baby Boomer... it's what we do and I am in good health enough to take care of Mike and had taken care of Bill until he passed.

... counting my good fortune and the great genes my Johnson family gave me...the Williams side aren't worth shit lol I am the oldest Williams boy and all my male cousins are long time passed away.

I am lucky that I can still be useful in this old life ... it doesn't last forever so make the most to find joy .. . "You love who you serve" has always been my maxim and will be until I am no longer sentient

7 October 2023 Saturday

I had to take Kyle down to America First Credit Union so he could deposit $1000 into my account and withdraw it in cash for Millagros. Then I went over to Mike’s to bring him over to the house to see the damage to his trailer.  We also went looking at storage places but finally decided perhaps buying a heavy duty trailer cover might be the best option to keep it from being vandalized and left on the side of the house.  Mike has a bunch of doctor appointments on Monday and since Loddars hasn’t fixed his truck yet I will have to take him down to the South Jordan clinic and just wait for him there. I have a 10 o’clock appointment on Tuesday at Rosman dental clinic.

            I went into Bewilder afterwards and Kyle had me make chicken schnitzel but I left around 2 to come home and rest. I can tell that I am starting to feel the effects of working so much.  I took a nap with a heating pad on my lower back, then walked the pups and fed them. Before going back to Bewilder, I finally put my Jacko lanterns up over my garage and porch lights. I think that is about all the Halloween I am going to do this year.

            Back at work I saw that there were a lot of dishes so Kyle and Milagros must have been slammed while I was gone. I tried to get caught up with them but Kyle had me do a lot of prep work like cooking and bagging the schnitzel noodles and other prep work.

            I was surprised when Adrian came in at 7 to work which helped give Milagros and Kyle a break although they were slammed until about 8 and then the place emptied. Kind of weird.

            Kyle made up a new schedule giving Milagros and Luisana Sundays and Mondays off with only Kyle there to work those days so that means long days for me. Their hours would be from 2 until closing. He said he is trying to hire dish washer but until then I guess I will be there doing that also. I also know I will probably be the one coming in with Kyle in the morning and taking the girls to work.

            It doesn’t sound like Adrian is going to work with Kyle, as that Kyle can’t afford to pay him and he would be better off finding work on his own. The Newrest job is a swing shift from 7 to 4 in the morning and Adrian is hesitant about taking it because he would see Kyle very little then. I think that might be a good thing for a while but I am staying out of it.

            While Kyle and Adrian were in the office, I did say that I needed help with paying the Mortgage with 7 people in the house now rather than 3. I thought $150 a month from each, including me was not unreasonable and neither did they but Kyle did say Milagros was looking for an apartment to move in November. I wasn’t going to ask for money until November anyway so who knows?

            I need to call Tyler Ferguson to set up taking money out of my 401 since I am now 72 years old and the feds require it.

            In the news Hamas in Gaza attacked Israel so there’s another war going on overseas.

8 October 2023 Sunday

I was sick this morning with diarrhea  but went into work to open up. After Adrian and Kyle came in I tried to eat something to settle my stomach but as it was so slow I went home to rest and be with the dogs. The family was gone all afternoon probably with the dad Luis Negron so I was glad to have my stomach trouble without them all being here.

            I went back in at 5 but was still feeling weak and dizzy and since it was so slow Kyle said to go back home, which I did. The family still wasn’t home and I laid down but my stomach was so upset I went downstairs to Kyle’s bathroom and tried to vomit. I have a hard time ever throwing up but I managed a bit that helped some. I then went back to bed and by then the family had come home.

Kyle said that he hired two sisters to work as dish washers so hopefully my time down there will be back to me wanting to be there instead of having to be.

            Israel was attacked by Hamas Gaza militants and now the two are at war.

9 October 2023 Monday

Today was a holiday; either Columbus Day or Indigenous People Day… your choice. So, there wasn’t any school for the kids and it was Milagros and Lusianna’s day off from work.

            Mike Romero called me around 8:30 this morning, saying that his truck was ready and had been ready but Loddars had forgotten to call him. So, I took him up to Bountiful to retrieve his truck but also it meant I didn’t have to take him to South Jordan in the afternoon.

            He called Bish RV, where he bought his trailer, and they will have to replace the entire door because the window broken was built inside it. The place said they would store the trailer over the winter for him, however.

            Adrian has more car trouble. His passenger side tire fell off and it’s propped up on the side driveway.  Thank god it didn’t fall off while we were on the Freeway last Saturday. I guess his brother in law Luis Negron is going to fix it. Just another worry.

            I went to Bewilder  by 10 and was surprised that Kyle and Adrian had left it so clean that there was little to do. They came in around 10:30 and about noon we had several orders and Kyle was being really bitchy towards me criticizing almost everything I was doing even though it was always the way we had done it for over a month. I wasn’t in the mood and snapped back at him and he told me to go home but since Adrian wasn’t there I refused to leave him alone there and let him calm down.

            I don’t know what bug was up his butt as he and Adrian weren’t fighting and we both mellowed out. I guess Adrian left to go with the family to apply for an apartment down the street off of Redwood near 7-11. I guess they are serious about finding their own place with the dad Luis moving back in with them from what Kyle told me.

            I guess Kyle and Adrian had a “come to Jesus” talk with Milagros about how they need to be self-sustaining now and that we have helped them all that we can. Kyle told me not to give them any more money and that was easy for me to do because I don’t have any more to give.

            Adrian returned around 1 and the new Latina girls who were going to be the evening dishwashers showed up near 2 so I left for home. Anyway, it was a slow day.

            I finally cleaned up the shattered glass on the sidewalk, then was in my room for most of the rest of the afternoon and except for walking the pups.

            My stomach finally settled down today but felt like I just needed to rest. I mostly got caught up on some programs like Bob’s Burgers and the Simpsons and checked out Face Book posts.

            I saw that Elbert Peck finally contacted me and wanted to get together again sometime soon.

It's seems to me that all these Republicans who are supporting Israel for being attacked are the same ones who want to end funding Ukraine which was attacked by Russia.

10 October 2023 Tuesday

The kids went back to school and I had a dental appointment at Roseman this morning at 10. I had a periodontal checkup and a cleaning. I have to go back on the 23^rd for two cavities.

            I came to Bewilder afterwards to help Kyle for a bit as he was there by himself until Adrian came in around 1. I left at 1:30 to go get Milagros and Luisana to bring them to work and then I returned home to take a nap and cook up some chicken thighs.

            I also swept under the front room couch and was concerned to find some mice droppings but I did find the television remote that Luis was too lazy to look for. I had noticed that for a couple of weeks the television had never been on and he was only using his phone to watch programs so I figured he lost the remote somewhere.

After waking up from my nap, I decided to treat the kids to a Papa Murphy pizza for when they came home. I mainly wanted it for Tutu who works so much around the house.

            Anyway, I stayed home this evening resting and watching some television until around 8 Luis Negron the dad came over to work on Adrian’s car. It was dark out so I went into the garage and retrieved Kyle’s spot lights so as to illuminate the driveway so he could work on it.

            I went back to bed but later after getting up to turn off some lights, I noticed that the tire was put back on Adrian’s KIA.  I think Kyle must have closed up early as I heard everyone come in before 10.

            It was a super warm day at 80 degrees but it is supposed to cool down drastically tomorrow and even rain.

President Biden addressed the nation about Israel being attacked but thanks to Republicans we don't have an Ambassador to Israel, vital military appointments, and a Speaker of the House. Thanks, GOP for undermining our response. Republicans are  destroying America

11 October 2023 Wednesday

Today is “Coming Out Day” created to recognize the 1987 March on Washington that I went to, now so long ago.

            Adrian was up early and even came into my room when I was still in bed to give me a hug in the dark. I think he wanted me to fix him some breakfast of pancakes lol. He had his tutor on line class at 8 and I fixed him breakfast at 9, then walked the pups, and went off to Bewilder.

            Kyle had been down there early as he was rearranging things for a fire marshal inspection and all. When he was done with that I helped him open up and stayed cleaning and making some pork, veal, and cubed steak schnitzel as we were out of all of them and almost all of chicken but we had none of the last.

            I left at 1:30 to go back to the house to retrieve Milagros and Luisana to bring them to Bewilder and I stayed until 2:30 finishing up the schnitzels. I met the new Latina dishwasher named Alanna I believe.

            It started to rain for most of the morning and afternoon with snow falling on the mountains. There was even a skiff of slush in the parking lot when I left Bewilder.

            I stopped at Lucky’s before going home to buy some milk, coffee creamer, and some other items. While checking out, this 82 year old lady asked me if I wanted her potato wedges that she had bought with her fried chicken dinner. She said she paid for them but didn’t really want them. I said that was really sweet of her and gave her a hug.

            The weather cleared enough for me to later walk the pups and when the kids came home, they didn’t have to walk in the rain.  I made some split pea soup in the crockpot earlier and baked some pecan sugar cookies for Tutu and Luis when they came home. I really don’t think they are much into sweets.

            I watched the news and the Israeli and Hamas War is all that is on the news with missiles being sent back and forth. Here in the U.S. the House Republicans chose to nominate Steve Scalise of Louisiana over Trump backed Jim Jordan but there’s still no vote by the full house.

            I also started to organize my research on the Macedonia Hotel a little before retiring to watch a documentary called “Ordinary Men” about the German Police force that was ordered to shoot Jews during World War II.

12 October 2023 Thursday

Another wet and chilly day. Adrian was up at 8 to go on line with his tutor and afterwards I fixed him some breakfast. For some reasons he likes for me to fix his breakfast and I love making it for him. How often does a 72 year old man get to feed a beautiful 25 year old?  Then I walked the pups in a slight mist before heading off to Bewilder.

            The kids didn’t have school today because of UEA. I remember so looking forward to the break when I was a teacher. Actually, I go into Bewilder a little early as no one is there and I can use their restroom in privacy. At home there’s no lock on the bathroom door and I am paranoid someone might walk in while I am on the toilet. I have always been weird that way.

            At the kitchen I fussed around until Kyle came in around 10:30 and he said last night they were slammed and did over a $1000 worth of business in just an hour when the place just filled up. I think he said they made nearly $2000 yesterday in total.

            Kyle had me go to the Emigration Harmon’s to buy more brats as he sold out of most everything last night. It was raining and it seems like every time I go up there it’s in the rain.

            Back at Bewilder I breaded some Pork schnitzels before Adrian brought Milagros and Luisana into work at 2 so I left and went on home.

            Luis and Tutu were in the kitchen cleaning and washing and by that I mean Tutu was doing most of the cleaning. I don’t know whether it’s just a cultural thing but they don’t just speak to each other but shout at each other.  The others do it too so I know it’s not just a teen thing. It sounds like they are angry the way they shout but I know they aren’t.

            I’ve lost complete control of my kitchen as I don’t know where anything is anymore. Dishes and pots and pans get placed willy-nilly in cupboards and never back where I originally had them. My garbage disposal switch doesn’t work so I don’t have a garbage disposal anymore as Kyle has been too busy to look at it. I have to make sure the kids don’t clog up that side of the drain. Oh well sounds like a First World Problem when children in the Middle East are being slaughtered by religious fanatics as missiles rain down on Israel and Gaza.

            I spent some time back to writing up the research I did on the hotel that once was located at 528 West Second South for nearly 70 years. It relaxes me and I suppose gives my brain some stimulation.

            After feeding the pups, I took them for an evening walk and then spent the rest of the evening in bed watching television. I watched the re-boot of “Frasier” with Kelsey Grammer. I enjoyed it probably because it was familiar.

            I was ready to go to sleep by 9 as I had been up since 5:30.  I heard the gang come home around 10:30 so I know Kyle isn’t staying open until 11 on Thursdays anymore. He said he has two catering orders coming up in a week or so.

13 October 2023 Friday

I went to Bewilder a little before 10 and Kyle was there soon afterwards to install a new shelf in order to put out food because the old opening was way too small. That took until after 11 but we managed to be open for service as it was slow until after 12.  Kyle said Adrian was with the girls looking at apartments.

            I didn’t have to do any prep today and left at 2 when the girls and Adrian came in. Adrian was so excited as he received his permanent work permit today in the mail which is good for 5 years.

 I had to meet Kyle at Lee’s Market to go to America First to withdraw cash for Milagros weekly salary. After paying taxes and S.S. she cleared $486.  That’s about all I have left in my checking account but my S.S. came and that’s about $1500 but over a thousand of that will go to bills at the end of the month.

            The kids were home from school so I stayed in my room mostly working on the computer. I walked the pups twice today as it was rather pleasant out. The leaves are changing their colors and beginning to fall.

            I never took a nap today and after watching some television I fell asleep around 7:30 and did not wake up until the gang came home sometime after 10:30.  I just kind of doze until it quieted down around midnight and then fell back to sleep again.

            Steve Scalise dropped out of the nomination for Speaker of the House which kind of leaves Jim Jordan as the GOP nominee but he doesn’t have the votes in his own party to be elected. The Republicans went home for the weekend rather than try to elect a speaker leaving us without a functioning government with the crisis in the Middle East raging on.

14 October 2023 Saturday

I went down to Bewilder before 10 this morning followed by Kyle. He said they had a $1200 night last night and I could see that a lot of food was used up last night and we were really low on just about everything.  Kyle said that he basically didn’t have the funds to replenish anything. I don’t understand how we could be making so much during the week and then Kyle mostly broke.  Maybe it will get better but again I had to go to the Emigration Harmon’s to buy some brats to get us through the weekend. I put it on my credit card and told Kyle that when he gets paid on Tuesday I want $140 to start paying my credit card which is now over $6,000.

            I also made 24 pork schnitzels and 30 beef schnitzels during the time I was down there before leaving to go fetch Milagros and Luisana to bring them to work. I can’t wait for the kids to go back to school so I can have some quiet time. They shout at each other constantly, Luis making some demands on his sister to fix him food while he does nothing to help her. Typically, they blare the television in the bedroom room or front room or play music off their phones loud enough to keep me from napping.

Tutu, the sweetheart, cooks and cleans the kitchen but puts everything back willy-nilly and it’s a hunt to find anything. Nothing gets placed back in the same place twice. Also, Luis is constantly in the bathroom and the kids take so many showers during the day that I have basically stopped using my bathroom room at all. I either use the downstairs bathroom or at work. Kyle never put a lock on my bathroom so I am paranoid that someone will walk in on me while using it. So, I am more than ready for them to go back to school next week.

I don’t regret having the Negron y Villalobos clan here, but it’s been an adjustment and I am winding down from working every day at Bewilder even if it’s just for 4 hours. I am working way too much for a retired 72 year old man especially without any compensation.

While walking the pups in the late afternoon, I noticed that Mike Romero had come and removed his trailer from the side of the yard.

I watched some television and tried to go to bed around 9 but was restless and heard the gang come home around 10:15 so I know Kyle has given up the idea of staying open until 11, Thursday through Saturday. Now that he has to work it also, I think he realizes how hard it is to stay that late. Besides, he is paying the girls for a 40 hour work week and 8 hours a day starting at 2 means they have to be done by 10.

Southern Utah was busy with people  flocking to see the “Ring of Fire” when the moon eclipsed the sun. I guess it was spectacular but I am too old, perhaps jaded, to care much about such things anymore.

15 October 2023 Sunday

I went to Bewilder this morning after walking the pups. Kyle came in shortly afterwards. I stayed until 2 after working 4 hours. Adrian and the dishwasher came when I left.

I can’t take afternoon naps anymore on Sundays or some other days because all the Negron y Villalobos are home and are making so much noise with the television going and their loud Spanish chattering that can be heard through the entire house. It’s not like I can join in with the conversation so I remain in my room typing.

            When I came back from an afternoon stroll with the pups the house was quiet as they were all gone. I figured the dad came and got them all to go shopping. So, I had the house to myself. I fed the pups their chicken and rice and then laid down to watch a little television.

            The leaves are really beginning to fall and the nights are turning cooler although all the windows in the house were opened. I did notice a beautiful sunset of streaks of orange in the western sky around 7:15 so the days are getting shorter also.

            Adrian showed me, after he came into work, what he wants to get for Kyle’s upcoming birthday. It’s an arrangement of Dr. Peppers, as Kyle doesn’t like cakes or most sweets for that matter.

            The month is half over now and my life is so much different than from a year ago. I suppose that is a good thing. I’ve always said a change is a good as a rest but I don’t really feel rested but I do feel useful.

16 October 2023 Monday

The kids were still out of school today so after walking the pups I went into Bewilder and Kyle was already there I suppose for a meeting. He was on the phone the entire time I set up the kitchen.

            It was a slow Monday as usual and I spoke to Kyle about being paid even though he suggested that I needed not come in at all. I said I need the money as I have spent so much subsidizing him and the Negron Y Villalobos clan that I am broke. Almost all the debt on my visa card is for them not me and I need to start paying it off. I asked for $250 a week for the four hours a day I come in. That is barely minimum wage. He said he would pay me on Wednesday. I guess I will see if he does.

            I left at 2 when the dishwasher and Adrian came in, stopped at Lucky’s for some groceries and made some corn bread for the pot of beans I made yesterday. After I took the pups for a walk, came home to a quiet house so they all must have gone somewhere.

            It was nice to be alone for a bit. I do care about the family but I feel isolated even with them here because we don’t communicate unless we need something and then that is by an app.  So, in some ways I feel even more alone in my own house.  Kyle said earlier that if they are approved the family will move into their own apartment in November. Then I suppose the house will feel empty also.

            I gave Tutu a bunch of art supplies I had that I knew I would probably never use, watercolors, brushes, and paper. She was coloring something the other day and I thought maybe she might have an artistic flair.

            Well at least I have shelter which the people in Gaza are being forced out of theirs as the Israelis are getting ready to invade in retaliation for the massacre of Israelis.

17 October 2023 Tuesday

Today is Kyle’s 44^th birthday. I went into Bewilder around 10 and opened up as I usually do but when Kyle came in he wanted to clean and change the oil on the fryer but I had already turned it on so we had a challenge emptying it while it was still hot but it turned out okay.

            It was super slow, which was kind of a good thing as that Adrian wanted to surprise Kyle with a type of birthday cake which was two tier layers of canned Dr. Peppers with Gourmandie little dark chocolate cakes surrounding the tops of the cans. It was extremely clever for Kyle as he doesn’t like cake and he loves his Dr. Pepper.

            Adrian came in with Millagros and Luisiana a little before 2 in order to set up the display and I think Kyle was genuinely surprised and touched by the warmth and affection the presentation represented.

            The Latina dishwasher joined in on the celebration and she seemed a real character, enthusiastic and not in the least shy and reserved.

            The place was empty of customers so the little party was unobserved by anyone but us with festive balloons and lots of picture taking.

            I left the gang around 2:20 and just came home to enjoy some time alone as the kids were in back in school and wouldn’t be home until 4. I cleaned my bedroom and did a load of wash and walked the pups before then. 

I went back into my room and fed the pups and remained there for the rest of the evening. It’s become my little sanctuary I suppose.  I am still researching information regarding the lodging house that once occupied 528 West Second South.

            When the folks came home from Bewilder around 10:30 Kyle had me come into the kitchen where everyone had some champagne to toast Kyle on his birthday. Adrian was not feeling well and running a bit of a fever. He thinks he’s coming down with something. Kyle said that Adrian was hired back at Newrest and will start this Saturday with Wednesdays and Thursdays off. His hours will be 6 until 2:30, which were his hours before he met Kyle. Hopefully, this will give him more independence so he doesn’t have to rely on Kyle so much.

            In the news President Biden is going to the Middle East but talks with Arab countries have been suspended after a missile struck a hospital in Gaza killing 500 people. Hamas is blaming Israel and Israel is blaming another Arab militant group.

            Some good news Jim Jordan’s first attempt to become Speaker of the House failed. He will try again tomorrow.

18 October 2023 Wednesday

Adrian was not feeling well at all and thinks he may have what all the kids had either the measles or chickenpox. I went into Bewilder this morning my usual route on the freeway to 6^th South to turn on to 4^th west but was caught in a traffic jam as the police had 4^th  West blocked off for some reason and had the 6^th South traffic merge lanes. I had left  early but because of the delay I was followed to the parking lot by Kyle.

He told me the Tuesday payment from Cody for last week didn't get deposited yesterday because of insufficient funds so Kyle was fuming because he was dependent on it to buy meats for this week. So that was another stress.  Kyle wasn’t even sure he wanted to open this morning but I said that I would go to the emigration Harmon’s and put the meat order on my credit card and he could pay me back when Bewilders money comes through.

            This time Kyle had preordered the brats so I didn’t have to take any shit but they screwed up the chicken order. We wanted chicken breasts for schnitzels but instead they cubed 20 pounds like for stew meat. So, I only paid for the brats which was around $250.

            Back at the kitchen Kyle was working putting out food so I suppose he had a talk with Cody. He never let me know if the money cleared nor did I ask but he seemed more cheerful and at ease.

            I left at 1:30 to go back to the house to retrieve Adrian and the girls. Adrian had left his KIA yesterday so I brought him back so he could take it home. However, he was so sleepy I was really worried about him.

            Kyle had called around to get 20 pounds of chicken breasts from another supplier so I could come back later after taking care of the pups to bread them for schnitzel. He went and got them himself and then he said he had to take Adrian to Ogden for a drug test for his Newrest job that he will start Saturday if he is well enough.

            So, after walking the pups for their 2^nd walk and feeding them an early supper. I went back to Bewilder at 4. I had to pound 23 chicken breasts thin enough to flour, then coat in an egg wash and bread crumbs. The 23 were cut into two pieces so I made 46 of them. Luisiana helped with the breading so it went faster and Milagros fried them up. We also did some veal cutlets.

            The Mexican dishwasher is kind of a character. She tries to talk to me all the time like I know Spanish and its almost comical. She is a bit daffy I think but seems to be a hard worker keeping up with the pots and pans.

            Kyle and Adrian returned around 5 and after I had finished all the schnitzels,  I left and went back to the house.

            The kids were home and Tutu was at the kitchen table dutifully doing her homework while I suppose Luis was goofing off in their bedroom.

            I was tired tonight even though I slept well last night so I laid down to watch some television. I noticed that Prime Amazon TV had all these old horror movies from Universal like The Mummy, Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Invisible Man so I put them in my watch list. They even had Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein my Halloween favorite.

            However, while I started watched Vincent Price’s House on Haunted Hill I fell asleep around 8. I kind of woke up when the garage opened, bringing the gang home a little after 10 and promptly went back to sleep.

            In the news Jim Jordan failed to achieve the votes needed for House Speaker losing even more GOP defectors. President Biden was in Israel today but because of the explosion at the Gaza hospital any meeting with Arab leaders was called off by them.

19 October 2023 Thursday

Adrian has come down with chickenpox and had to cancel his orientation class with Newrest until next Tuesday.  I went to Bewilder at 10 however, Kyle had me leave at 11:15, to originally to take Adrian to Newrest, but he was too sick. Instead, I took Milagros and Luisana to Rancho Market where they wanted to buy some herbs for Adrian to bath his body in. We also went to Smith’s where I bought him some more calamine lotion and some antihistamines for his itching.

            I then returned to Bewilder where Kyle said he had been rather busy with orders while I was away. I had to leave again at 1:30 to return back to the house and then take the girls to Bewilder where they start work at 2.  Back at the house I checked in with Adrian and then at 3:00 I had to take TJ to the vet’s to get his nail trimmed.

            I was rather surprised how much I was charged this time, $33. I can’t do it myself because he is such a screamer but I think I need to find someplace else less expensive. I did make an appointment for Max to have his nails trimmed this Monday at 3.

            The kids were home from school by 4 and I walked and fed the pups. I was upset that Luis didn’t take the trash cans to the curb like I asked him to do as his job.  So rather than get after him I just hauled the two cans out to the curb as they were completely filled. Its little thing that are starting to annoy me like never replacing the toilet paper roll or going through paper towels in the kitchen so completely and just placing kitchen items after being washing willy nilly so it’s a hunt to find anything.

            Oh well. Sounds like a First World problem in a world that is on the verge of chaos.  

            I stayed in my room for much of the evening, watching an episode of the new Frazier show and finished watching House on Haunted Hill and 1931’s Dracula. I remember going to the Grove Theater in Garden Grove as a kid to see House on Haunted Hill which to a kid was scary but now seems nearly laughable. Dracula, however, is still riveting.

The GOP is the party of treason. McCarthy, Jordan and Green and others should have been expelled from Congress for being insurrectionists and Jordans so called Freedom Caucus' main purpose is to shut down the government which basically Gaetz managed to do. Jordan lost even more Republican votes for Speaker of the house.

Americas enemies could not have had more usefully idiots. Seems no coincidence that war broke out when our government is paralyzed. The radical religious fascists welcome the war in the middle east as the end times. They want a war.

 It may be too late now for us because so many chose not to vote in 2016 allowing Trump and his billionaires to stack the courts with ultra conservation reactionaries ... oh well ... i can die knowing I never collaborated with reactionaries nor was politically apathetic.

            It was announced that the Utah Pride Center will reopen on October 24^th with limited hours 4 to 8 p.m. only Tuesday through Thursday. Bill Blevins announced that the Gay Men’s Support group will be allowed to continue to meet at the same time on Tuesdays.

20 October 2023 Friday

Kyle said that the payroll still hadn’t been deposited so we didn’t have to go to America First today. Maybe tomorrow. I worked at Bewilder until 1:30 when I left to retrieve Lusianna and Milagros to bring to work. After coming home, I looked in on Adrian and he is covered with chickenpox and needed some more spray on Calamine lotion so I went to Smiths and bought what he needed and some things for me.

            The kids were home by 4 but I stayed in my room, feeding the pups and napping. Luis never brought the trash cans in and they can stay there until he does.

After watching the news, I went back down to see Adrian and I helped him make his bed up and brought him some chicken soup.  Afterwards I returned to my room and stayed there for the rest of the evening watching two old B-Movies 1959’s The Giant Gila Monster and 1942’s The Shadow Returns. Mindless diversions. I did finally watch Lon Chaney Jr’s classic The Wolf Man before calling it a day.

            The good news today was that Jim Jordan’s 3^rd bid to become Speaker of the House failed and the Republican caucus finally withdrew his name as a nominee. Jim Jordan and the Republican Party are not the biggest losers in their inability to govern. It's the American People.

21 October 2023 Saturday

Weird day with Kyle having a melt down at work frustrated with the waiter who wasn’t getting the food out on time when we got slammed around 1 with orders. I wanted to help but he was in such mood he just wanted me to go home.

Earlier he asked if I would  go to America First to get some cash to pay the dishwashers. The check from Bewilder from last Tuesday still hadn’t cleared though he seemed certain that it would either this weekend or Monday.  We figured that Milagros and Luisana could wait for their paycheck, which they should have received yesterday as they are family and are living at the house free of charge. I took out $400 and with the money he owes me that is nearly $1000 from just last week.

Adrian brought the girls in at 2 and I left having no idea how Kyle was going to behave. I have to realize that Kyle’s temperament is always going to get in his way of ever being successful. I know that everything he has or has accomplished since being released from prison has been facilitated by me, financially and emotionally.    Anyway, the day was going smoothly until that.

On the way home I stopped at Sutherlands and bought some drain cover mesh to keep large food items going down the kitchen drains. God knows I can’t afford a plumber right now and since my garbage disposal doesn’t work who knows what is being put down  the pipes.

            Adrian said he was feeling better but still has his spots so he’s not feeling “pretty”.  I walked the pups, fed them, and retired to my room to watch movies. Sometimes I feel like a captive in my own home, by my own choice actually. The kids are just being typical teenagers and it’s my own crankiness I think that keeps me isolated.  I really don’t eat anymore and the kitchen has been taken over so I don’t know where anything is anyway.

            I am just getting weary of all the drama that Kyle brings to my life but then who knows how long it will last?

I watched the Claud Rains’ Invisible Man  and a little bit of the Mummy before retiring. I think I am losing my interest in things I once took joy in but I am not yet ready to leave my pups behind to the care of others.

22 October 2023 Sunday

Still upset with Kyle from yesterday but felt like I had to go in to open up Bewilder as that Kyle was going to be there all day without the girls and yesterday it was so busy. When he arrived around 10:30 he was already back from being Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll so I just went on about the work that needed to be done. I mostly worked on breading 24 slices of chicken breasts for schnitzels. We were out with most everything, as Kyle said they did $1700 yesterday.

            Kyle was anticipating a slow Sunday but all of sudden we were slammed with orders around “brunch time”.  Kyle had me go back to the house to bring somebody to help and Adrian came saying he was feeling so  much better even if he is still marked with the residue of the pox.

            We were busy for most of the afternoon but managed to bake four trays of bacon and four trays of cookies in between the onslaught. The Dishwasher girl named Sarah came in at two and she had piles to do for sure.

            I stayed until 4 after working non-stop since I came before 10. Adrian was there to finishing the evening with Kyle. I was bone tired after just six hours and barely had the energy to walk the pup for their 2^nd walk but you do what you got to do.  I fed them their supper and ate a bowl of raisin bran which is all I had to eat since an English Muffin this morning.

            Luis Negron must have come and taken everyone to see the fall colors in the canyons as I saw that Milagros and Luisana posted on Facebook some foliage when they were out and about. He also must have taken them grocery shopping in the evening as after I had already gone to bed they all came home like gangbusters.

            I watched the 1958 The Blob, which is one of my favorite Halloween movies this evening and around 8 Kyle called me to say that finally the $5,000 he was owed was posted to his account that he was owed last week. He also said they did a $1400 Sunday so this weekend we did over $3000 in business.

            He also asked to go to the credit union first thing in the morning to get Milagros and Lusianna’s paychecks paid. I said I would cancel my dentist appointment that was tomorrow to have some cavities filled at 10. My teeth weren’t hurting but just doing some maintenance anyway so I will reschedule.  Hopefully, I can get paid some of the money owed me.

            While walking the pups the leaves were falling from neighborhood trees and we were crunching through them. It really felt like a fall day, not too warm and not too cool.

October is always a nice month in which to be alive.  Today is my Grandpa Williams and my niece Denise Wachs’ birthday. Grandpa would have been 121 today and Denise turned 52.  I was in college, living in the dorms at Cal State Fullerton when she was born.

23 October 2023 Monday

I was up by 6:30 and started making my coffee when I decided I better empty the dishwasher myself as it is always a mess when Tutu tries to put way too much in. So, waiting for my coffee to brew I reloaded the dishwasher before the kids get up at 7 to get ready for school.

Around 8, I called and rescheduled my dental appointment until Thursday November 2^nd at 3 in the afternoon. Then after walking the pups and having a bite to eat myself I went followed by Kyle to the America First Credit Union downtown on 5^th South and 5^th East by 9:30 as that was the closest to Bewilder.  Kyle deposited $1881 into my account and withdrew $974 in cash to pay Milagros and Luisana from last week  finally. That left me with a little over $900 that he owed me from paying the dishwashers, from buying brats and $250 that I had asked to be paid weekly for my time, which is still ridiculously little for the amount of  work I do there but better than nothing which I was getting all before. I was shocked that the teller was struggling how to divide  the $973.96 into two. I guess strong math skills aren’t a requirement.

            I noticed on my left arm near my wrist a purple discolored skin about the size of a quarter. If I was a younger man and it was the 1980’s I would think it was a sign of AIDS but now that I am 72 years old and haven’t had any sex whereby I could get AIDS it must be just from old age.  It’s always concerning when something new appears on your body to remind you that you are mortal.

            Kyle had Adrian bring the girls into to work this morning although it was their day off , so as they could cut onions and make the condiment sauces as that tomorrow Kyle has a large catering event in the evening.

            While they were doing that I made 22 chicken schnitzels to keep busy while Adrian and Kyle went shopping as we were about out of everything from the busy weekend we had.

            Mondays afternoons are usually much slower times and the girls went home after doing what Kyle had asked and around 2 I left to go home to take Maxx into the vet’s to get his nails trimmed. He is such a better boy and ever flinches getting his nails trimmed. When I went to pay I was surprised that I was only charged $22 and said that I was charged $33 for TJ last Friday. The woman who helped me was at a loss to know why I was charged more because she said that the cost is always just $22. I wasn’t offered a refund and chalked it up as a loss and left. But at least now I can take Taco down  to have his nails trimmed and I will make sure I don’t get over  charged.

I enjoy walking the pups through the leaves that have fallen and hearing the crunching beneath our feet...there’s so much for the pups to sniff and explore...the rusty colors are beautiful and the weather is perfect ... not too warm and not too cool... love the four seasons we have in Utah...it makes you feel connected to beginnings and endings

            I came back home to rest and feed the pups when Tutu asked if I would take her Mom to Walmart. It was after 4:30 and I was hesitant because I told Kyle I would come back around 5:30 to help with any dinner rush but I agreed. I knew tomorrow would be super busy and there wouldn’t be any time then.

            I thought I was just taking Milagros and Tutu but everyone piled into the FIT all four of them and the drive home traffic rush made it harrowing as I could hardly see out the windows with the three in the back seat and 13^th South exit is tricky in the best of times. A truck stopped right in front of me that I barely avoided trying to move into the right lane so I could exit.

            At Walmart I waited in the car with Luis in the back seat and why he came. I have no idea. Anyway after a few minutes the girls came back out saying that the person who was selling a phones had a problem with a payment so it was a wasted effort.

            I just dropped them off back at the house and hurried down to Bewilder. Actually, Adrian was there keeping Kyle company more than anything I suppose as well as the Latina dishwasher who I think her name is Anna Sylvia or something like that.

            Anyway, it wasn’t all that busy and while I helped some, I left around 7 because I was tired and I knew that Kyle wouldn’t have to close by himself.

            At the house I went to bed and I wasn’t sure if Taco had eaten as I went to Walmart and didn’t get to watch the pups and I know Lulubelle will eat everything if I don’t watch. Taco acted like he was really hungry so I fed him some Kennel Ration before I hitting the sack myself.  I was watching an episode of the Simpsons and must have fallen asleep as when I woke  bit the episode was about over so I just turned off the lights and went to bed.

            When Kyle and Adrian came home, Adrian came upstairs to visit with his sister and woke me but I managed to fall back to sleep.

            It’s almost that time again when trick or treaters abound.. I love October and as Mabon is ending soon it will be Samhain in another week and darkness will rule November which I dread.

24 October 2023 Tuesday

Today the big catering affair at Bewilder I rode with Kyle so that Adrian could use the Honda FIT to go to his orientation at Newrest. The tire fell off his KIA again. Kyle had me bread 60 pieces of chicken schnitzel for tonight as well open up for afternoon lunch. Adrian came in around 12:30 saying his orientation was put off because the power went off where he was supposed to have taken it.

            The girls came in around 2 and were put to work peeling onion to be sauteed and Adrian helped me bread all this eggplant for schnitzels. I went home around 3:30 exhausted.

            I walked the pups and by the time I feed them and rested a bit I went back in at 6. I had wanted to go to the Gay Men’s Support groups meeting back at the Pride Center but that didn’t happen. Kyle needed me.

            It was all hands on deck to feed 140 people for the catering affair. Some type of conference booked the place and Bewilder closed for regular customers. At the kitchen Kyle wanted me to put out salads in trays. However, when looking at the produce it had gone bad so I went to the Glendale Smith’s and bought up almost all the arugula and spring greens in their packaged section about $50 worth to bring back to the affair.

            Kyle had me out front serving the beer cheese to anyone who wanted it as I was the only one besides him that spoke English. The Spanish crew was busy putting out product in the back and Kyle was being a gopher replenishing as needed.

            We served 4 different kinds of sliced up bratwursts in warming trays, pretzel bites, sliced chicken and eggplant schnitzels, French fries, and salad.

            We opened the line for serving a little after 7 and people were hungry but all I had to do was ask “would you like some beer cheese?” That was my job for nearly 2 hours and I found that I really enjoy being a server and interacting with people.

            We had so many complements about the food so I think it was a success. I was really tired from being on my feet all day and also from breading schnitzel. It’s not the breading that is tiresome but Kyle insists that the chicken breast gets pounded really thin to it almost falls apart.

            Before going home Kyle said that we made $2,900 just today from our regular day and the catered event. Kyle said that he was going to treat the Spanish crew to pizza from the Pie for all their hard work tonight preparing the sandwiches, keeping the fries coming and all the rest.

Friday there’s another catered event but only brats will be served instead of schnitzels also so it should be easier he said. I hope. It sometimes think it’s ironic that in the 2020’s and in my 70’s I am doing what I was doing in the 1970s when I was in my 20’s. I could not do this work as much as I have if I didn’t work with those I consider family

            Coming home I went right to bed but was too tired to sleep and my legs were cramping up  so I tossed and turned a lot.

25 October 2023 Wednesday

I went with Kyle again this morning to go to the bank because he needed a certified check to send to Sysco to pay for an order that bounced last week when the Bewilder check bounced. We went to the same Credit Union downtown and then to Bewilder to open up. We didn’t get there until after 10:30 and it was a rush because last night they just cleaned up but everything was put in every which way.

            I thought we were doing a good job and then a bunch of orders came in and at one point Kyle blew up at me again because I couldn’t light this stupid flame with  a lighter. He threw it and told me to go home and he was raging again and I thought to go out and calm the situation down but I couldn’t go home because we came in Kyles’ car so Adrian could use the Honda Fit to attend his Orientation. He finally came out and gave me the keys so I went on home. I am really getting tired of being dismissed like I don’t matter.

When Adrian came home with the FIT, he took the girls into work in the Terrain.

I’ve been in the mood for some Chinese food lately and I decided to go to China Delight to get a sweet and sour pork bowl with lo mein. When I got in the car I noticed the gas gage was completely on empty. I didn’t dare drive it any further than to 7-11 and then filled the tank up. I put 9.7 gallons of gas in the FIT and it’s only a 10 gallon tank. Adrian was lucky to make it home at all.

            China Delight was really disappointing. There was no green peppers or onions just some sweet and sour breaded pork over spaghetti like noodles. The regular Chinese woman wasn’t there either so not sure what is going on down there.

At the house I noticed that the crockpot in which I had the chicken for the pups supper wasn’t plugged in and when I did, the outlet popped, blew up and sent sparks all over the counter. The crockpot power cord burnt through and one of the switches in my circuit panel that controls the outlets to the microwave, toaster oven, coffee machine had snapped. At least the oven range worked and I had lights but I figured I’d have to have an electrician come to look at the control panel. It's always something. At least the house didn't burn down.

Well later when I checked the refrigerator, that plug is on the same circuit so it was not working either. I am glad i have a refrigerator in the garage to put perishables and frozen foods in. I cleaned out some space and threw away a lot of condiments and waited for the kids to get home around 4. I wanted them to empty out the refrigerator, not me since its almost all Negron’s items anyway.

When Tutu came in and I told her on the say hi app what had happened and that the Microwave was not working and Luis and she needed to bring perishables down to the garage. When I asked Luis to help he was just sitting at the kitchen table on his phone playing so I asked him again and still he didn’t respond so I got after him and said do it now. He would have just let his sister do it if I’d let him. I was not in the mood for his laziness.

Anyway around 4:30 I noticed that Adrian was home and I told him about the loss of power in the kitchen and I was surprised when he said Kyle was in his bedroom. So, I told him about the power to the refrigerator and microwave was off then left in the FIT to go to Bewilder.

When I left earlier I left behind my thermal cup and some jackets so I wanted to retrieve them just in case I decide not to go back in tomorrow. Luisana said it wasn’t too busy so I didn’t stay to help any.

Instead, I went to Taco Bell on North Temple to just get a bean burrito for my supper. I went inside because of the long line at the drive, however now you have to order at a kiosk rather than with a live person at the counter so I left because I didn’t want to deal with that. So, I went back to the drive through and waited for about 10 minutes just to get a bean burrito. I won't be going back either.

Kyle had called while I was on the road saying he fixed the circuit panel but that is all he said…no contriteness for being such an ass to me.

At the house I just watched some television when Luis Negron dropped by to see his kids. I went back to bed and just contemplated my dwindling affection for Kyle and life in general.

The Republicans elected a right wing Christian Nationalist to be the Speaker of the House.

26 October 2023 Thursday

It rained all night long, not clearing up until after 9 this morning. The weatherman said we had .75 of an inch here in Rose Park. When it cleaned up I did take the pups for a jaunt around the block.

            Kyle didn’t ask me to come in and I didn’t volunteer. I don’t go where I am not wanted or appreciated so I stayed home all day. Only around 1 did Kyle call and ask me to bring the girls to work and that was the extent of any conversation we had.

            This morning around 10 I took the FIT in to have it registered for another year. Registration was $188 and another $40 for the inspection. Well at least that is out of the way.

            I am tired of always worrying about Kyle even when I am upset with him. So, I don’t know whether my days at Bewilder are over or not. After being down there for so long being at home seems kind of pointless. I did finally also cut down the giant sunflowers that were done for the year since the ground was so moist. I took the trash barrels out not expecting Luis will do it without being prompted so why bother?

            Evidently Kyle took Adrian to work at Newrest even though I said he could use the car. However, as he doesn’t get off until after two, I imagine Kyle needed me to have the car to take Luisiana and Milagros to work which I did.

            I have nothing in the house to munch on so I went into North Salt Lake to Lee’s Market to get some goodies and stopped at Del Taco, which is up there for 2 Tacos and a bean burrito.

            I was home in my room for the rest of the day mostly in bed watching television. KUTV made an announcement that Sterling Poulson their weatherman will retire in December. He always was my favorite Salt Lake Meteorologist.

            There was a mass shooting in Maine at a bowling alley with 18 people dead. I am sure the Republicans and NRA and sending their thoughts and prayers.

27 October 2023 Friday

Feeling my age this morning...my knee starting aching during the night and I used a cane to hobble around to fix coffee. Old age is creeping up on me fast.  The pups still expected me to take them for a walk, which I did.

            I heard Kyle take Adrian to work at Newrest  before 6 this morning. I didn’t bother going to Bewilder as Kyle still hadn’t apologized so he had to open and work without me.

            Luisana around 11:30 asked if I would take her to find a shipping box for a present she wants to send her cousin in New York. So, we went to Zurchers,  party store where she bought a gift bag but no box. While stepping up from the curb, I fell but fortunately Lisana was there to help me up. Nothing was hurt but my pride.

            Back at the house the shipping cartons that Kyle had bought to send out his Carhart jackets last year was too small so I took her to the Post Office where I bought her a larger box. We came home and addressed it after taping the box up to send. However back at the Post Office the counter clerk said that she could not find the address that Luisana had me write on the box. It was going to cost $50 to send it so we took it back to the house and I had Luisiana double check the address. It was nearly 1:30 by that time and I had to take the girls to work by 2.

            After dropping them off at Bewilder, as I was leaving Kyle called me asking whether I had seen his text message, which I hadn’t. He had wanted me to bring the girls in by 1:30 and had told the girls but they never said anything to me.

            He needed them to help prepare for the catered affair in the late afternoon and for me to go with him to the credit union to get everyone’s paycheck.  He also had to pick Adrian up as he was off work after 2.

            So, I went with him to pick up some restaurant supply mayonnaise and other things he was out of that he needed for the catering, then went, and picked up Adrian. Newrest is off of 13^th South and Gladiola Street so we went to the Pioneer Branch of America First. It was the branch that last winter I deposited a check that Bill Poore had given me where the teller gave me grief over the way Bill’s handwriting was.

            Anyway, the Asian teller was just so helpful and did not have any issue with us depositing $1600 into my checking account and then drawing out cash for 5 different amount. She was so great and helpful and made it easy compared to the teller from last Monday who didn’t even seem to know how to add and subtract.

            Anyway, Kyle asked if I would work serving the beer cheese again and I said I would as that is the closest I will get for an apology. I also said I would stay and help get ready for the buffet  dinner which was to start at 4:30. It was kind of hectic but all the heated sausages and pretzel bites were done so just had to cut up vegetables for a veggie tray and put a salad together. I was able to use up all the salads I had bought at Smith’s last Tuesday.

            It was a smaller event with about 100 people from some skiing event and I stood for the entire time asking people if they wanted beer cheese, which nearly everyone did. This crowd was much younger than the Tuesday science conference crowd and kind of more rude, which I think that generation is. Oh well my part of the catering was over by 6 and I went home. I did ask Kyle if he wanted me to come in tomorrow morning to open and he said yes. We will see how that goes.

            I fed the pups late nearly 7 and made some bean soup before retiring for the evening. Luis Negron came to the house around 7:30 to work on Adrian’s car putting the passenger side tire back on after it had fallen off.

            I fell asleep around 8 from not sleeping well last night and woke up around the time the gang came home. Luis and his kids were at the kitchen table and everyone but Kyle came up to visit so it was raucous for a while but when the dad left and everyone else went to bed it was after 11:30. My stomach was a bit upset and when the house was quiet I went and used the toilet and was surprised that I had a bit of Diarrhea. But nothing serious and so went back to bed.

            Roy Zang posted that he was back in town and said he came by to see me while I was away.

28 October 2023 Saturday

Another chilly day only in the 40’s. After walking the pups, I left the house and decided to mail Luisiana’s package since if waited until Monday it would never have reached her cousin for her birthday next week. On Saturdays, the post office is only opened between 10 and 2 and I was 20 minutes early so I went to Lucky’s to do some shopping and bought two large bags of  candy for $9 each to have Lucianny and Luis hand out for Halloween on Tuesday. Then I went right back to the Post Office at 10 and paid $50 to have the package shipped.  Only later did I learn that was a mistake.

            I went into Bewilder and Kyle mainly had me just work prep rather than the line which I was just as happy to do. He first sent me to Emigration Harmon’s to pick up brats he ordered then back at the kitchen I boiled them and finished putting them away in the Walkin. Next he had me prepare these “pretzel bites” he was serving instead of the giant pretzels he normally gets from Sysco but can’t until he pays off the $3000 he owes them which he says he has when he gets paid this Tuesday for this week. Finally, he had me weigh out and portion pastrami meat as he was going to start serving Reuben sandwiches.

            I left at 1:30 to pick up the girls and there I learned that Luisiana had not corrected the address on the package after all, that was left in my car. I had asked her yesterday if the address was correct and to take the package back into the house. I heard her say the address was correct but it wasn’t. She said she was going to correct it this morning but I was already gone.

            The mix-up made her start crying because she thought the package would be lost like in Columbia but her mother said that in America it was different and I said the worst that will happen is that the package will be returned as undeliverable and we would send it again just late.

            I felt horrible since I was just trying to be helpful and I know Luisana was disappointed but it was just one of those “lost in translation” deals. She did call her boy cousin to whom she had sent to the package to give to her girl cousin and he said that the address belonged to a friend of his and he would try and look for it. That seemed to console her and especially since the package won’t just be lost but at most delayed.

            Anyway, after dropping Millagros and Luisana off at work, I stopped at Common Cents and noticed that I still had Kyles debit card I used to buy the brats this morning so I had to run back to Bewilder to give it back. While out I decided to go to Target and buy a small rice cooker to replace the one Mike had given me that stopped working. and it was nearly 4 before I finally was home to walk the pups and feed them.

            Taco acted like he wasn’t hungry and was just burrowed in under the covers so I put his food up for later but he never ate anything. Moving the cadenza to look for an outlet I noticed the decomposed corpse of a mice that had been caught in my mouse trap. Gross. I never noticed it before because it was hidden.

            I went to my bed to eat some 5 bean soup I made in my crockpot and watched some television. I got caught up on the latest reboot of Frazier and I think it was the best episode yet.

            Before calling it a night I watched The Exorcist from 1973, which I hadn’t seen in probably 50 years. It was as creepy as ever and hard to watch still. I know I never will watch it again even if it reinvented the horror genre like 2001 Space Odyssey did for science fiction.

            The gang was late coming in after 10:30 so they may have been busy.

29 October 2023 Sunday

Such a long busy day. After taking the pups for their morning walk I went to Bewilder where I worked until 8:30 at night only taking off about an hour and a half to come back to the house to walk and feed the pups before heading back.

            Kyle had me weigh and package deli meats; corned beef, ham, and turkey when not helping with prep and working the fryer. I also made up two trays of pretzel bits, and two trays of bacon before I left around 3:15. By that time, Sarah the dishwasher had come in.

            When I came back I started in on breading chicken schnitzels and made 30 slices. That took a most of the evening as I had to fry them up also. I was on my feet so much today and was really exhausted  as Kyle had only me to work with all day and the same will be tomorrow. I need to tell him he needs to hire a fry cook for Sunday and Monday as I can’t be expected to work that much or for that long at my age.

            When I came back around 4:30 Adrian was sitting in the office with Kyle acting gloomy. I asked if he was tired and he said he was as he has to be at work at 6 in the morning. However, Kyle in a way of passing said that Adrian was wanting a divorce again. I didn’t say a word nor discuss it as I can’t care anymore about something I have no control over. If they do they do. The rest of the gang will be moving out in November.   When I first came back to the house, the gang was leaving with the dad and when I was in bed around 9 they return from doing a massive shopping, I think for things they will need for their new apartment come next month.

 Shortly after that I heard Kyle come home around 9:30 so he must have closed the kitchen down after I left. It was slow when I left at 8:30.

            I am just too worn out anymore to much care about all the going on at the house. When I drop dead life will go on without me just fine and if not I won’t be around  to care.

30 October 2023 Monday

Another long day at Bewilder with Kyle although I was not as exhausted as yesterday because we weren’t nearly as busy. However, Kyle fired the dishwasher as she was bothering Cody and Kyle was certain she was stealing food. She was really kind of goofy and doubt if she would have shaped up her behavior.  However, that meant we didn’t have a dishwasher for the night so guess who also had to do that?

The first thing I did this morning was cut and peel a fifty pound bag of onions to so Kyle could cook them up into an onion sauté that he puts on all the hamburgers and brats. He boiled up more brats and had to run and go get French Fries because what we thought we had was actually tater tots because the bags were plain and unmarked.

            Still, it was a very slow Monday and allowed us to get most of the prep work down without being hit with orders which only came in sporadically.

            I was able to leave after 2:30 to go back to the house and walk the pups for their 2^nd walk and then feed them before heading back to Bewilder around 4:30 and stayed until closing at 9. It was so slow that Kyle closed the kitchen at 8:45.

            When I came back to the Bewilder, Adrian was there, and he was interviewing a Latina girl named Maria who Kyle hired as the new dishwasher who will start tomorrow at 2. So that is done; now if only Kyle would hire a fry cook for Sundays and Mondays because I can’t continue to being on my feet for 10 hours  working in the kitchen doing three jobs, prep, fry cook and today dishwasher.

            I don’t know what is going on between Adrian and Kyle and don’t wish to be involved. All I know was when I come back to work, Adrian kissed me on the cheek.

            When I came home to go to bed Luisiana asked me to take her to an appointment she has at 8 in the morning with immigration at Decker Lake. I have no idea what that is all about. I guess I will find out tomorrow. It’s always something.

While I love Halloween I hate to see October go. November always seems dark and dreary, not really fall anymore nor winter. The clocks return to Standard time making it dark by 6 o'clock and i feel like hibernating ... At least November reminds us to be Thankful for our blessings

31 October 2023 Tuesday

At ICE immigration with Luisana this morning off of Decker Lake in West Valley and trying to find the building in the dark was a bitch. At least we found it and were not late. I have no idea why she needed to see them. I think they just want to track her whereabouts as she is 19 and not a minor. Her appointment was at 8 so I sat in my cold car waiting for her to return.

When I went to start the car the engine would not turn over so I was stuck with a car that won't start in the ICE parking lot. I called Kyle to tell him the FIT wouldn’t start and I called AAA,  so hopefully it's just a battery but I asked for a tow truck just in case it’s something else.

It was frigging cold and when Kyle came with battery cables the car still wouldn‘t start. Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait long for the AAA man to show up and he got the car started but thought we might need a new battery. It's  always something.

Luisiana was finished about this time so we drove to Auto Zone off of California and Redwood to have the battery checked and sure enough I needed a new battery. The battery cost more than $250 and since the FIT was still running I drove it home and Kyle said we would swap out the battery later. So, everything will be fine until next time and there's always a next time lol.

I went into work with Kyle and it being Halloween it was super slow but Kyle had me go to a Restaurant Depot to get a box of hamburger patties as we were down to just a few left. When I took Kyle’s Terrain he was nearly out of gas. I am surprised he even made it down this morning and to work. I stopped at Maverick which gasoline prices were still high compared to others places and put $10 in to get me to the restaurant depot without running out of gas.   The place is just on 7^th West and about 12^th south but didn’t want to take a chance of running out of gas. When I came back with the hamburger patties I saw that the new dishwasher Maria Hernandez had come in early.

Anyway, when that adventure was over I had to go and pick the girls up but I stopped at Common Cents to fill the Terrain up. I put over $50 in it plus the $10 from earlier so the vehicle must have been running on fumes.

After dropping the girls off, I went out to the Terrain and sat in the car to take a nap waiting for Adrian to get off work and come take me home. He was at Bewilder around 3:00 and I was home by 3:30. After walking the pups it was nearly 4 when the kids came in from coming home from school.

I told Tutu that I wanted her and Luis to hand out the Halloween candy tonight while I keep the pups in my room with me. It was still light out when my first trick or treaters came by; some teenagers and I gave them some candy. Tutu and Luis were asleep and I woke them up saying the trick or treaters were already out but in reality most of them didn’t start coming until around 7 when it was dark out.

Kyle came home around 6 himself and put in the new battery to the FIT so hopefully I will have a vehicle tomorrow. He and Adrian went out to see a Chinese client, Kyle had worked for last spring. They went out to dinner I think. I watched a little TV but didn’t really watch my old standby Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown except for snippets on You Tube.  I fell asleep around 8:30 as the gang came back. Kyle and Adrian brought them home and closed the kitchen early as it was super slow due to it being Halloween night on a work day.

I went back to sleep with the pups and so ends another Halloween and another October. It ended better than it began for sure.

NOVEMBER

1 November 2023 Wednesday

I went into work and Kyle had me go to the bank and make a depot and get a cashier check to pay the dishwasher he had fired. He also paid me $300, the $250 I earned and $50 for the money I spent getting hamburger patties yesterday. Then I went Emigration Harmons to get some Brats.

            It was super slow this day after Halloween so I made 30 chicken schnitzels. Kyle in the afternoon was in some type of mood and took it out on the server who works the day shift.  I stayed out of it but I think he was being a dick to her.

            Anyway, Adrian had his day off so he brought the girls to work so I didn’t have to so I was home most of the rest of the day alone until the kids came home around 4.

            I cooked up one of the large, pressed Turkeys that I had in the freezer since last September that Kyle had me bring home when he took over the kitchen. I used up all the chicken thighs that I had which was a lot. I also brought home the beef schnitzel that Kyle took off the menu. He’s only serving Chicken and Veal from now on and eggplant.

            I was tired and didn’t do much but walk and feed the pups. I was in bed by 7:30 and fell asleep until 8:30. I don’t get an afternoon nap anymore. I tried to stay away until the gang came home and then went back to sleep.

The best day in November for me is not Thanksgiving, it is always the 2nd Tuesday when I can vote against Republican Fascist Evangelicals.

 My ballot info came today. I vote not that I think my candidate will win in Utah but because I am an American and my father fought in WWII for that right.  Vote until it’s taken away which with this corrupted Supreme Court it may.

2 November 2023 Thursday

            Adrian was up early to go on line with his English tutor and he asked if I would fix him breakfast which I did. He was bundled up in a blanket and hoodie. I didn’t think it was that cold but then I wasn’t raise in Columbia.

I went walking the pups before going into Bewilder and decided cancel my Roseman Dental Appointment at 3 after all.  I got to thinking why should I subject myself to the pain of having cavities drilled when my teeth don’t hurt and I was worried they might screw up again and then have to have them yanked liked they did that one time. So, I decided just to wait until there is an issue that really needs to be fixed.

            So, I went into Bewilder around 9:45 and worked opening the kitchen. Kyle was late nearly 10:45 as he had gone and bought some pretzel bites and beer cheese. I told him that we were almost out of French fries so he had to go off and get some of those also.

            It was another very slow day. I think maybe we had 5 orders the entire time I was there. Kyle said he made up a new schedule giving Milagros and Luisiana 52 hours a week instead of just 40.  Milagros will have Sunday and Mondays off while Luisiana will have Monday and Tuesday. That way Kyle will only be by himself on Mondays instead of Sunday and Monday. Of Course, I will probably be there most of the day on Monday to open up and to help close.

            Anyway, Kyle had me go to First American Credit Union to pull out money for the girl’s paychecks as well as the weekend dishwasher. I went to the Pioneer Branch because they are more helpful than the downtown one on 5^th East.

            Anyway, I was glad to be home and did some chores before the kids got home from school. I helped Luis put the trash bags in the correct bins to take to the curb for pick up tomorrow. He wants me to take him to get another haircut tomorrow. I said I might but didn’t promise. He’s an entitled little shit.

            Today is Milagros’s birthday. Adrian and Kyle were in and out buying for Millagros’ birthday celebration which occurred after 10 when they all came home from work. The dad was over also so the whole gang was in the kitchen with a cake and balloons and presents.

            Luis, however, wouldn’t get off the phone playing a game and stayed on the couch while everyone else was taking family pictures and toasting Milagros with champagne.

There was lots of laughter in the house, as my Columbian family celebrated their mother's birthday. I didn’t understand much if anything as everyone spoke Spanish but laughter is universal. That I understood. 

I sat on the couch with TJ and Taco in my lap looking at the rest gathered in the kitchen and dining room and I thought I had a glimpsed of what the house will be when I am gone. People enjoying life in a house I had built for Mike and me so many years ago. It was a comforting experience.

            I went to bed close to 11 but the party went on until later but not much later.

3 November 2023 Friday

How quickly joy can turn to sadness in this old life. It was a beautiful Indian Summer Day; 67 degrees this November 3rd. Indian Summer is warm autumn weather after the first killing frost.

This morning I was up at 5:45 because Adrian wanted me to fix him some scrambled eggs to take with him to work. At the time I had no idea this would be the last time I would ever make him breakfast.

I filled out my ballot for SLC mayor and 2nd District Representative before going into work.  I have no doubt that neither of the people I voted for will win.

I walked the pups then went into Bewilder to open up. I could see Kyle finally had a delivery from Sysco as the place was stocked again. I only had to scrub out the huge kettle that they cook down the onions in as they let the bottom burn and it was all crusty.

            As it was rather slow I made 30 chicken schnitzels before leaving at 1:30 to go retrieve the girls to bring to work. After that I was home to do some chores before the kids came home.

            As usual Luis did not take the trash out nor do anything but lay on the couch and played video games all afternoon and well into the evening. I am done with that lazy kid who has his sister do all the work and won’t even pick up after himself.

            Anyway, I fed the pups and started watching a DVD Mambo Italiano when Kyle called me saying he and Adrian had another blow up again and Kyle asked me to go  downstairs to see if he was there and he was.

Adrian was  grabbing all his clothes and stuffing them into trash bags as he said he was leaving Kyle for good. He had smashed his wedding ring to bits and was frantically gathering up his belongings.

There was nothing I could do or say but watch his sad and sorrowful actions. He was in a state again and I thought it better that he leaves rather than have a physical encounter with Kyle, as for the mood he was in.

 I asked him to tell us where he was going but  I doubt whether he even knew as he was just being impulsive. He was just in a hurry to get out I think before Kyle comes back. I just watched him but did not cry. What would have been the use? Time for that later.

Finally, he threw all his bags into his KIA and began to drive away into the night. I made him roll his window down so I could hug his neck and kiss him good bye and he said to me Goodbye forever but in a melancholy way.

I went back into the room and picked up all of Kyles clothes that Adrian had thrown onto the floor and placed them on the bed. I then went upstairs and called Kyle to tell him that Adrian had left.  While all this heartbreak was going on Luis was oblivious shouting into his phone playing a game and Tutu was in their bedroom.

Kyle and I talked for a good while on the phone trying to make sense of what had just happened. Kyle said he thought he and Adrian were having a good day and even went and got haircuts together.  

What set Adrian off was so insignificant that I think it was the final straw to give him an excuse to leave. Kyle said he thought that Adrian just can’t be happy and I said I love Adrian but i wonder if he isn’t manic depressive with his wild mood swings from being ecstatic to a moody depression so quickly.

Adrian came into my life a year ago this November when Kyle brought him home from meeting him at Verse. I think Kyle loves Adrian but I don’t think Kyle is suited for long term relationships. Their age differences and cultural differences were too great even though we tried to make life easier for Adrian as much as possible.

Well now Adrian has left and I don’t know if I will ever see him again.  I loved him like no other in a long time and my heart is broken. An old man’s last attachment.

It's just that how could he just leave without a plan where to go? That really hurts someone like me, who has long made him a part of my life. He said he wants to get far away from everything; even quitting Newrest. I can’t think about him being by himself or I will go crazy.

Kyle thinks he has a good enough relationship with Milagros and Luisiana that Adrian’s leaving him won’t make much of a difference at work. However, in another week they will also be gone from the house to their new place down the street and that will be another issue on how get them back and forth from work as they don’t have transportation and I don’t even know if they can drive.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is trust in Providence that someone will be okay when you have done as much as you can for them. Everyone has their own journey, and leaving is sometimes part of that journey. One of the burdens of growing older is the memories of loss. Loved ones come and go. Still, it’s hard to say Goodbye. I hate goodbyes. There is nothing good about them.  Fare well is a better ending.  Fare Thee Well Adrian, my Backstreet Boy.

I have had a sore throat in the mornings for the past few days from nasal drainage but I wonder if I have Covid again as that last December that was a symptom I had when I did have Covid. 

Sometimes I think it’s time to leave this vale of tears as I think my work here is done until I think of my pups and they still need me even if no one else does anymore.

4 November 2023 Saturday

I tried not to think about Adrian being gone for much of the day to keep from weeping.  Sometimes things change, people move on. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, but they come into it for a reason and sometimes only for a season.

“Grief , I’ve learned , is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

I looked at some of Adrian’s Facebook postings and since he came to America last summer 2022, he’s been in New York, Salt Lake, and visited Las Vegas and Hollywood. If he can make it to Mexico and cross the Rio Grande and take a bus to New York City and then find his way back to Salt Lake where he found a lover and a place to live, I know he will survive no matter how difficult it might be for him at the moment.

He is young, handsome, and smart so he will land on his feet but just not where I will be able to find him.  The notion that he is capable keeps me from going crazy and as far as I know, he’s not in jail.

Kyle hasn’t spoken to Milagros and Luisiana about Adrian leaving. I don’t think anyone wants to address what it means to the dynamics of us all being together. The only reason they are truly living under my roof is that they are Adrian’s family and now that Adrian has left there’s little beyond employment to bind us.

In 6 more days, they will be moving out into their new place down the street on Redwood and then how lonely it will be here again. Grandma Johnson called it a glad lonesome when company leaves but the Negron y Villalobos have been more than company. They were family for a while. You love who you serve.

I spent nearly $6000 bringing them here and providing for them because of my love for Adrian and Kyle. When the family was still in the jungles of Central America I wired nearly $900 to them for their journey and I know Kyle sent much more. I also spent $1500 for bunk beds and a pull out couch for their stay that I will still be paying on when they are gone.

I spent another $1500 renting a van that didn’t get used for hotel rooms, and gasoline for Kyle to bring the family to Salt Lake City. I spent $250 buying them shoes and clothes and another $250 on groceries. I know I spent money on incidentals they needed for school, paying for gas to transport them back and forth from work.  They lived here for over two months and I never charged them a thing in room and board. Kyle said they will pay $1800 a month for their new apartment.   My utilities went up especially water usage as the kids take two or more showers a day and the washer and dryer are going constantly.

This isn’t even the $3500 I received from Rich Butler and Phil McCarthy to help them when they first arrived. $1600 of that they took to pay Adrian’s bail to get him out of Jail.

I am saying all this not to complain but just to point out that I have done all of this mainly for my love of Adrian and now he is gone.  In 10 days, it will be the year anniversary that Kyle first met Adrian and brought him home to live. November 22^nd Adrian will turn 26 years old. I hope he is with family.

I went into work a little before 10 to open up the kitchen. I had a sore throat again last night and I started to worry that it might be strep or something worse.  Kyle had me go to Emigration Harmons to get some Italian and Original brats and It was a very slow morning and afternoon until after 1 when it got busy but I had to leave to go retrieve the girls. When we returned saw that Kyle was frantically trying to put out several orders that came in but now he had help.

I left and went to the Redwood Urgency Care clinic because last December  I thought I had strep but it was Covid. So, I went to have my throat checked out. Actually, I got into see someone pretty quickly as the place was not busy at all.

My throat has been sore for a couple of days now but just at night so I hoped to nip whatever it is in the bud. I also was nervous that I might have caught Covid again and I have been working around food so much.

Other than nasal drip and a night time sore throat I feel fine, just tired for my age.  I had them do the entire battery of tests but thank Providence the results came back negative for strep, covid or the flu. While I was down at the clinic I got my 6th Covid shot and RSV vaccination and some  Flonase recommended for my nasal drip.

I came back to the house and Luis was flopped on the couch talking as loudly as possible into his cellphone that he was gaming on. Tutu was in the bedroom while I walked the pups and laid down to rest.

Kyle came home at one point to change the lock on his downstairs bedroom and changed the garage code to 1951 from 1633 to keep Adrian from coming back. At work he asked me if I had heard from Adrian and I said I hadn’t and I didn’t expect to do so. I can’t help but think Kyle is heartbroken and at the same time relieved from the drama. They had only been married 5 months.

I spent the rest of the evening in my bedroom contemplating how different things will be again very shortly at the house of the Barking Dogs.  What a topsy turvy week this has been and an emotional rollercoaster.

5 November 2023 Sunday

I turned back what clocks I didn’t last night for Standard Daylight Time, had my coffee, walk the pups, and then went into Bewilder to open up. Kyle and Luisiana followed shortly after as Kyle wanted to change out the oil in the fryer.

            On Sundays we do Belgium waffles for brunch and sure enough as soon as Kyle left to go get some maple syrup an order came in. Fortunately, the waffle iron was already heating and I buttered the grids and made up a batch of batter but Kyle came in before I had to actually put the order out.

            This is the first time I think Luisiana was here to open as she normally had worked at 2 in the afternoon so that is why I wanted to come in to help. It was slow enough to get a lot of prep work done. I started pounding chicken breast to make schnitzels and cut up some red cabbage before I left around 12:30. I told Kyle I would come back later to bread the schnitzels.

            Actually, I wanted to leave to drive out to Newrest hoping to see Adrian’s car there in the parking lot. I spotted his KIA and I was so relieved that he hadn’t quit his job and that he had the good sense to stick with it for a while, now that he is out on his own. I was comforted seeing his vehicle there as it dissuaded so much of my anxiety over him.

Driving over to Newrest I heard on the radio the songs “Someone I used to know”. I think this one of the saddest break up songs. The lyrics made me melancholy as I thought how long it wouldn’t be until Adrian is just someone I used to know. Even though Adrian was Kyle’s husband, he was a part of my heart too.  I thought of how last summer I would drive down to SLCC and wait for him to get out of class and how happy my heart was just to see him.

“Now and then, I think of when we were together, Like when you said You felt so happy, you could die, I told myself that you were right for me, But felt so lonely in your company But that was love, and it's an ache I still remember- You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness-Like resignation to the end, Always the end, So when we found that we could not make sense, Well, you said that, we would still be friends-But I'll admit that, I was glad that it was over.”

“But you didn't have to cut me off-Make out like it never happened; And that we were nothing. And I don't even need your love-But you treat me like a stranger And that feels so rough”

“No, you didn't have to stoop so low; Have your friends collect your records And then change your number. I guess that I don't need that though; Now, you're just somebody that I used to know, Now, you're just somebody that I used to know.”

. I am not feeling well like I am fighting off the beginnings of a cold. I came back to the house and went to my room until the gang left with the dad. Then I walked the dogs and fed them before returning to Bewilder around 4:30.

Kyle had Luisiana and Maria were there so he wasn’t alone and when I arrived he was dishing out ice cream for the girls with chocolate sauce. I went to work breading the chicken schnitzel and then frying them up.

Kyle said they got a lot of prep work done today, more brats boiled, cabbage made, more onions peeled and sauteed, and of course the schnitzels so tomorrow when it’s just the two of us it won’t be so hectic.

I left at 6:30 and it was already dark and stopped at Smith’s to get some NyQuil and dog treats before coming home to an empty house. I just went to bed and was asleep around 8:30 when I heard the gang returned. I never heard when Luisiana and Kyle came in.  I never told Kyle that I went to Newrest and that Adrian was still there for at least for now.

6 November 2023 Monday

It was a damp and gloomy morning but later in the day it warmed up nicely for a November day. It was a very long and tiresome day however as that it’s both Milagros and Luisiana’s days off and as it turned out the Latina dishwasher Maria did not come in so it was just the two of us all night.

I was at the kitchen about 9:45 and Kyle came in around an hour later after I had set the place up. The lady to whom we have been donating a lot of food in the “bodega” or pantry came before he was here but I knew what stuff he wanted her to have.

During the day it was really slow and only had three or four orders. We did so much prep work yesterday that it didn’t matter and I left around 1:30 to come back to the house and rest a bit as I still am fighting off catching a cold.

Milagros was the only one home so Luisianna must have gone out with the girl she knows here. I walked and fed the pups early and went back to Bewilder at 4:30 as Kyle was there alone.

Maria’s uncle showed up, first asking for Adrian which kind of confused me, but then realize that it had been Adrian who she had first met when was shown around when she was hired. Kyle was in the bathroom so I went and got him and her uncle had come to explain why she did not show up for work, which I thought showed initiative. So, she hadn’t just flaked out but still I worked 9 hours today as fry cook and dishwasher.

Around dinner time we were hammered for about an hour pushing out orders. Then about an hour later we had another busy rush so I was running around on my feet being a gopher for Kyle as well fry cook. When there was a pause I went out and retrieved the tub of dishes because it was nearly over flowing.

I got them all washed and put away before I had to do it all over again for the second rush.  Kyle said he was shutting down the kitchen at 9 and at 8:15 said I could leave but I stayed the entire time to help finish do all the dishes, pots, and utensils and general cleaning. I finally left around 9:30 and went home and straight to bed so tired I could hardly stand.      

During some of the breaks during the day Kyle admitted what I kind of knew was that this business is barely paying for itself, with rent, utilities, groceries, and labor costs. Without my almost free labor I think he would really be hurting. I think he was counting on Adrian to fill in a lot of the gaps but that is not going to happen.

I did tell him I had gone to Newrest to see if Adrian was still there and Kyle said he knew that Adrian was still there because his friend Gabby had come to Bewilder the other day to retrieve Adrian’s blender he uses for protein shakes. I guess he is staying with her.

I sent Adrian another message saying that I was still his friend and if he needed help I would be there for him but he has never reached out to me so I think he’s just cutting any ties he formerly had. Later in the evening Kyle said that Adrian’s mom from Columbia had reached  to him but I don’t know what that was about.

The Negrons y Villalobos are set to move out this Friday into their new place. Kyle said that he had paid their first and last month rent so they could move in and that would be his last obligation he felt towards them as Adrian’s family.  So that chapter of my life is coming to an end very soon.

7 November 2023 Tuesday

I took Millagros in with me to Bewilder at 10 this morning and it was raining lightly. When I took the pups for a walk at 830 it was between showers. It was nearly 11:30 before Kyle showed up as he said he hadn’t slept all night. Earlier he said that he had a court appearance in Tooele scheduled this morning but it was rescheduled for next Tuesday in the afternoon.

            He was stressed all day and I just left him alone but I did go and buy some chicken breasts as we were down to only 14 schnitzels. I had earlier breaded 8 veal schnitzel all that we had. 

            It was really slow I suppose due to the rain. Maria, the Latina dishwasher, showed up really early  and when I knew there was 3 people there I left to go home as I was tired from last night. I took a nap, walked the pups, then at 3, I went to go pick up the chicken breasts and brought them back to work where I breaded them.

            At one point Milagros visited with me in the “say hi” app regarding Adrian, and she didn’t know that he had left the house but from what I could gather he mentioned to her that he misses Kyle and being home.  I didn’t quite understand all of it but said that it was Adrian and Kyles’ relationship and I should stay out of it but that Adrian would always have a home with me if he wanted, whether he and Kyle ever get back together.

            I left around 4:30 and it was raining still, came home and fed the pups and then decided to go to the Gay Men’s Support group which is meeting back at the Pride Center.

            It was raining, dark out, and hard to see the street lines but I made it okay and there was just a small group there, around 8 of us. We discussed if being Gay made one more aware of being political. I said I was always political even as a teen when I joined the Let Us Vote group in high school and that my college minor was Political Science.  I said that I was taught that people are either Gladiators or Spectators when it came to politics and I mostly am a gladiator.

Because of the rain we were a small but vocal group wary of the right wing political agenda that seeks to roll back any progress we have made in the last 20 years.

On a side note, people were stacking books in cubicles as the old library has returned to the Pride Center after 5 years. The collection had been hosted by the main public library but was in jeopardy of being discarded .

As one of the founding committee member of the Utah Stonewall Centers library in 1991 and head librarian from 1993 to 1994 it is good to see a remnant return even if greatly reduced from when it was once the largest Gay and Lesbian library between Chicago and San Francisco.

When i visited NYCs pride center their library was minuscule compared to the one that Robert Smith created originally in 1991. We had books, zines, albums, videos, tapes and several tables and chairs in one room dedicated totally to the library. Nearly all books were donated and categorized by fiction and nonfiction.

When the Utah Stonewall Center was unceremoniously closed many of the books were simply looted or discarded while some made it over to the Gay and Lesbian Community Center on 3rd West. The library was always an afterthought for many years.

            The meeting was over at 8 so I came home and it was still raining. I went to bed and I heard the garage open a little after nine so Kyle must have closed early to come home.  

            Tomorrow Luisiana will work from 10 to 10 and Milagros from 2 to 10 so I suspect I will be bringing them to work and probably getting some brats from Harmons.

Ohioans voted to enshrine in their constitution a woman's right to control her own body and not politicians. It was a good night for progressives.

8 November 2023 Wednesday

After the showers we had all day and night yesterday, for the rest of the week it’s supposed to be dry and sunny. At least we didn’t get snow here on the valley floor.  November can bring snow storms early here in Utah like it did in 2020.

            I took Luisiana to work with me at 10 and we opened the kitchen until Kyle showed up. I let him know we were low on French fries and he was depressed that he only had $3 in his account because the Tuesday check from Bewilder Brewing hadn’t cleared yet.  So, I gave Kyle my debit card to go to Restaurant Depot and get whatever supplies we needed.

            I breaded 26 chicken schnitzels to until I had to leave to go take Milagros into work at 2. Maria came in to do dishes so they were fully staffed.  Kyle and I had a heart to heart talk about Adrian and the restaurant and how in the long run only relationships truly matter.  I told him that Adrian needs to come home even if its sleeping in the spare bedroom after the family moves out this weekend. The dad is in California right now working and has his car parked out in front of the house

            I came home around 2:30 and later Kyle came home to do some laundry. Since Adrian has been gone downstairs is a mess.  I took a bit of a nap and then gave the pups their 2^nd walk and fed them after the kids came home from school.

            I fixed some oatmeal for my supper as I wasn’t all that hungry and watched episodes of the Simpson’s Tree House of Horrors  and Bob’s Burgers.

            Then surprisingly I got a phone call from Kyle to tell me about meeting Adrian at Barbacoa restaurant to talk. Kyle said Adrian was very contrite but he wasn’t sure if he believed Adrian. The gist however is that Kyle is allowing Adrian to move back home and downstairs again. I wonder how long it will last this time. Adrian had been looking for apartments as a roommate and realized how expensive everything is and the cheapest apartment was in Riverton at $900.

            Whatever the motivation Adrian has for coming home doesn’t matter to me, whether it’s because of the love he still has for Kyle, or the fact he had a home here.  If it doesn’t work out with him living with Kyle downstairs again he can always live upstairs in his own room. Ideally I think Luisiana and he should share the bedroom once Milagros, Lucianny and Luis move out but I have no control over that.

            As I told Kyle this afternoon the hardest part of growing old is that no one listens to you really anymore and you just become a spectator in younger people’s lives.  That is what mom once told me while living with Charline and Dennis in Arizona that she was no longer the “mom”.   I am not sure I ever had that relationship with Kyle but I did control what I could for me and others but now it doesn’t seem to matter.

I told Kyle that I really didn’t need to work at the Kitchen or have him and the others live with me that I would be just fine being home with the pups but I do it because I love him and them and it’s important to do something useful instead of just sitting home.  I said you brought those Columbians into my life and it’s not in my nature to detach from them until they choose to leave me.

Life is messy.   

9 November 2023 Thursday

            I had weird dreams about being taken on a tour around BYU and Provo and how everything had changed. Don’t know what that was all about.  I had broken sleep but when I got up after the kids went off to school, I looked out the window and Adrian’s KIA was parked in the driveway again.  Strange how everything seems so transitory anymore.

            Just as I was getting ready to leave for work Adrian came up stairs and I just went to him and embraced him and held him so grateful he came back home and I know he was also as he kissed me several times on the forehead. No matter what I want us all under the same roof. He asked me to fix him a pancake and eggs which I did gladly before taking Milagros off to work.

            Kyle came in shortly afterwards. He seemed to be in a pleasant mood but when I asked him whether the Tuesday payment had come in he admitted it was not nearly what he thought it would be and was only $1200. I don’t understand how it can be so low where he will hardly cover payroll and supplies have to be bought also. Tomorrow is payday for the workers and I doubt whether I will get my $250. If anything, I will probably have to subsidize payroll so all the girls can get paid.

            Looking at my checking account my Horace Mann insurance came out this week and that was over $500. A year ago, I had an accident where I had no insurance so I guess I shouldn’t kick but that does seem high for a senior.

            Anyway, at work I mainly helped Milagros cut onions and I was really tired and not feeling well. My stomach was giving me issues again. So, when Kyle said Adrian was bringing Luisiana as he had the day off I just left and went home a little after 1:15.

            I stopped at Lucky’ to get some dishwasher soap and a few other things and then came home and went right to bed. I snapped off and on before deciding to buy a cheese pizza and a pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar for the teens. They don't come in until after 4 so I knew they’d be hungry. I didn’t see that anything was left out for them to make dinner with.

I don't know how long it's been since I bought Little Caesar’s. When I taught school I would buy several for the kids achieving their reading goals. I know kids seem to enjoy Little Caesar.

Adrian was home most of the day doing laundry and cleaning downstairs. It must be his way of contrition for acting out  last weekend. I have to day it’s a roller coaster ride with Adrian and Kyle’s mood swings.

            I stayed in bed most of the evening not eating much and actually fell asleep around 8:30 but woke up after 10 when the gang came home. I looked at Facebook for a while trying to get sleepy enough to fall back to sleep but worrying about payroll for tomorrow and money worries made my mind anxious.

            Compared to real issues in the world my troubles are transitory. Somehow we always manage to get by and always will until we don’t I suppose.

10 November 2023 Friday

I went into work worried about payroll for the gals and when Kyle came in he told me he only had $800 in his account. On top of that he said that he had promised to pay $1764.65 for first month rent starting today. So, I said we need to pay the four payrolls and I will use funds from my line of credit.

            I left Bewilder and went to the downtown American First and deposited $700 into my checking account from Kyle, then had a cashier check made out to the Grove Apartments for move into Apartment 190. Withdrew $486.98 in cash for both Milagros and Luisiana and $396.50 for Maria the Columbian Dishwasher, and $168.56 for the Sarah our weekend dishwasher.  Total $3303.67 from my line of credit today. If I add in the $700 its only 2603.67 but that would also mean I didn’t get paid my $250 or the $61 I paid for chicken this week. Kyle needed more chicken for schnitzel for the weekend so I had to go buy $75 worth of chicken.

            In the afternoon, Kyle left with Milagros to go to the Grove Apartments to sign the papers for their new place. They didn’t return until after 4 and I was super exhausted having breaded 20 chicken schnitzel and chopped up 4 heads of cabbage as well as helping Luisiana who came in with me at 10.

            I went right home, not feeling well, with stomach issues. I walked the pups, fed them, and then took to my bed. So tired from my hip hurting from being on my feet too long today, came home and fell asleep at 6 and woke up at 8. So, it will be a struggle to go back to sleep again... old age problems lol  Grateful to have a warm bed and 4 bed companions to share it with I fell asleep by 8:30 and woke when the gang returned at 10.

            I had a bit of diarrhea which concerned me but after everyone came home I had no toilet to use anymore that I would be walked in on.

11 November 2023 Saturday

I had a rough night with stomach issues and not much sleep. Sparing details, i will just say i had to remake my bed in the middle of the night at 2 in the morning. It was not pleasant. Joys of old age.  I was on the toilet for much of the time after that while everyone else was a sleep.  I was finally able to get back to sleep around 4 and hoped that I didn’t have any more accidents.

I texted Kyle in the morning and said I wouldn’t be coming in because I was not well. I did not trust me being far from a toilet. So, he took Milagros in to work and I went down stairs and showered because even though I wiped myself down after the accident  I wanted to be completely cleaned.

I then decided to go get a haircut as it had been since September 6. I wanted to do it yesterday but I had to stay and work so late that I was too tired.  I went to Lucky’s and bought some Pepto Bismo and Power Ade trying to get this bug under control. I also bought some yogurt and apple sauce too.

I heard from Jim Dabakis this morning and he’s in Patagonia at the tip of Argentina . Don’t cry for me Argentina. He wanted to tell me he had tickets to My Fair Lady at the Eccle Theater tomorrow and he emailed them to me.  Later in the afternoon he called and we had a much longer conversation. He is enjoying Argentina and he said next year in September he may have a Mexican student move into my soon to be vacant bedroom. That’s a long time away I said. I could be dead by then.

I made a Italian spaghetti type meal using rigatoni noodles. I also had to clean the dishes from the dishwasher  as someone had put dish soap in the dishwasher and it was filled with suds. Oh well.

I went back to bed rather early and Kyle called around 9 saying that he was going to take Lucianny to the Eccles tomorrow if I felt well enough to go into wok tomorrow. I said I did so we will see how that goes. He said it was slow for a Saturday and may come home early.

I contacted Tyler Ferguson to take money out of my savings so I can pay off some bills. He said he would start the process this Monday.

12 November 2023 Sunday

I worked with Luisiana from 10 to  5 so Kyle could go to the theater with Lucianny to see My Fair Lady at the Eccles theater. It was a 3 hour show that started at 1 so had to work all day and Luisina worked with Kyle unto closing which I think they did early, as they were home a little after 9.

            It wasn’t too busy and we did a lot of prep work with making fry sauce, 36 breaded chicken schnitzels and other items. We worked well as a team when it got busy a few times with me as fry cook and Luisiana putting out orders.

            We didn’t do brunch today because I didn’t know how to serve waffles. I knew how to make them just not how to present them. Actually, if Kyle will show me how, perhaps I could do Sunday Mornings with Luisina and Kyle could have the early shift off.

            When I left work, Adrian who had come with Kyle, left with me and we stopped at Target because he wanted to get some notebooks for his English lessons. We visited a bit and said it would be a year since he came home to live with Kyle and me. He remarked that back then he didn’t speak any English and now he can understand and speak it a little.

13 November 2023 Monday

I was up at 5:30 to fix Adrian some eggs, cheese, and rice to take to his work and then I noticed that the facet where the water softener used to be was leaking a lot. I pulled out everything underneath the sink and looked to see where it was leaking. I then had Kyle come up to look at it and he said it was a small valve and an easy fix so I hope. Last year I had a $900 water bill from the underground sprinkler system.

I went and bought a dozen original brats at Harmons this morning before coming in to open the kitchen. Kyle came in a little afterwards.  I cooked up the brats and made more pretzel bites to keep busy.

            It was slow as usual on a Monday and I stayed until Maria came in at 2. I went to Smith’s to buy some tomatoes and dog treats before going home. No one was there so I took a nap, walked the pups, and then fed them before going back to Bewilder.  The kids never came in so they must have gone to their new apartment on Redwood.

            I worked at Bewilder until 8:30 when Adrian came up to see Kyle and Kyle said I could leave because Maria, Adrian, and he would close up. So, I came home and saw that the kids were here spending the night so they could catch their bus in the morning. They evidently haven’t figured out the route from their new place yet.

            It was a long day when I finally went to bed.

14 November 2023 Tuesday

I was up by 530 to fix Adrian a breakfast burrito to take to work. The kids spent the night at the house so they could catch the morning bus. I paid $100 to Ashley furniture and will pay them off when I get money from my retirement account.

Kyle wanted me to take Milagros to work  but she and Luisiana were over here by 9:45. Luisiana must have driven her dad’s car. So, I ended taking Milagros here from the house.

            Kyle came in with a 50 pound bag of onions before leaving for Tooele for his court appearance. I know he was anxious going by himself but I had to stay with Milagros.

            It was a slow day and between 1 and 3 we didn’t have one customer. To keep busy peeled the bag of onions with Maria’s help while Milagros spent much of the afternoon talking on the phone to her family.

Kyle texted me a few times saying that he was there just sitting and waiting for his turn. Finally, around 4 he said he went before the judge with some good news that a new judge had been assigned to the court and he said that as long as Kyle was paying his restitution he no longer needs to go to Tooele for further hearings. He was ecstatic over that because I know appearing there was always so stressful for him

            Anyway, we picked up business around 4:30 and Kyle didn’t come in to relieve me until after 5:30 so I was beat although not from being all that busy.  Kyle came in with Adrian so I left to go home to fed the pups. It was really dark out so they didn’t get a second walk and I was too tired to try and make it to the Men’s Support Group.

It’s quiet in the house now that my Columbian family has relocated to an apartment and space of their own.  They lived with me for nearly two and a half months while we were getting them adjusted. 

The kids are at West High now, Milagros and Luisiana are working for Kyle and the dad is moving in with them also. It’s been a long journey for all of us but spending the first night with no one here speaking Spanish seems odd and a little discerning.

My grandma Johnson always called when extended company left a "glad lonesome". I am glad to have my own routine back again but also the house seems awfully lonesome. But i still have four pups to keep me company.

However, after I had gone to bed around 9:30 Kyle and Adrian came in and so did Luis and Lucianny to spend the night again. So, I guess it’s a transitioning.

15 November 2023 Wednesday

It's been a year now that Adrian Villalobos, my "Backstreet Boys" biggest fan, came to live in the House of the Barking Dogs. My first inclination that there was a kid downstairs was when I heard “I Want it That Way” blasting from downstairs lol I can't imagine him not part of the family now.  Life is full of new beginnings as well as sad endings like when Bill Poore died.

            Luis and Lucianny spent the night again and after they left for school I went into the kitchen and noticed that the handle to the Oven door was off and the door was split open. I knew how to fix it but didn’t have the strength to hold the two sections together to screw the screws backs in that held the two pieces together.  I noticed that Luis had eaten all the pasta I had in the refrig as well as some of the corn bread left in the oven, which is probably how he broke the door accidently.

            I had Kyle come up around 8 to fix it and he was not happy that neither of them let me know about the oven before they left for school.

Today was Adrian’s day off and I had a little breakfast, walked the pups, and then went by the Grove Apartments to pick up Luisiana.  We opened the place and Kyle came in with Adrian a little later but they left to go get some brats and chicken breasts. I certainly hope Kyle was paid by Bewilder yesterday.  It shouldn’t be my worry but it is.

            I stayed until 1:30 and then left to go retrieve Milagros. I brought to her about 5 heavy comforters I had in the closet for their use as Luisiana said that the kids didn’t have much. Kyle said the kids were sleeping at the house because their mattresses haven’t arrived yet, just the ones for Milagros and Luisiana.

            Anyway, while at  Bewilder, Kyle tells me how he’s remodeling the kitchen there next week with the help of Adrian putting in new stoves and such. I have no idea where he got the money to do that. He also wants to have a Thanksgiving Dinner for everyone at the house next week. He wants me to invite TJ Otaka, Jim McMullin, and Mike Romero with them and the three of us along with five of the Negron’s clan, that’s 11 people. I said they could do what they want but my days of cooking big dinners are over. I guess Bewilder will be closed on Thanksgiving.

            Anyway, back at the house I started going through the kitchen finding where Lucianny had put everything and reorganizing the drawers and cabinets. Yesterday I put the front room back together the way I wanted it.

            Kyle came home around 3:30 to fix the leak beneath the sink that was actually ruining his bathroom ceiling downstairs. Actually, I thought he was just going to clamp it off but instead went out and bought a new faucet altogether and took out the old water filter system beneath the sink that Mike and I had put in when we first moved in.  So, I have a new facet but still no garbage disposal. Perhaps just as well.

            Everyone seemed really tired today, both Kyle and Adrian, but they did go out to celebrate their one year anniversary from when they first met. I watched a little television in the front room for the first time in months and went to bed around 8:30. Kyle called at 7:30 and said the kids were coming back to spend the night but they never did.

            I heard the garage door open around 10 when Kyle came home probably from taking Luisiana and Milagros home first. The kids did not come with them.

            Kyle has all these plans for next week. I should be worried that he’s getting ahead of himself again but what is the use of worrying?

            Michael Aaron wrote an article about the new director of the Pride Center and the new board. Here we go again. Their emphasis is going to be with youth and trans not seniors and mental health and said they want to be fiscally transparent. We will see. Ryan M. Newcomb is the new director.

16 November 2023 Thursday

The rain woke me up early this morning. At first I thought it was the kids in the shower getting ready for school as they always did. But then i realized it was just the rain and I am by myself again. Feels kind of strange for the house to be so quiet. I guess i am having an empty nest moment.

            I took some pots and mixing bowls over to the Grove when I went to pick up Milagros to take her to work. The rain had kind of stopped and later in the day had cleared up completely.

            After helping open up the kitchen Kyle had me go to the credit union to deposit $2000 and take out $1500 in cash so he could buy new kitchen equipment. He gave me $500 to help start paying down the money from my line of credit. I still haven’t receive the money from my retirement fund yet.

            Back at Bewilder I made 40 chicken schnitzels because we were totally out and at 1:30 I left to retrieve Luisiana who worked the rest of the night.

            I went to the store because I had very little in the house to eat. I hadn’t really bought anything for me in a while and the family took all that they had here.  After returning the house I walked the pups again and fixed them some supper and did not go out again.

            Kyle wanted me to contact Jim and TJ Otaka about coming over for Thanksgiving  so I managed to get a hold of them as they were back from Iceland. They said they would come.

I also called Roy Zang to find out what is going on with him and Tony. I guess the job in LA didn’t turn out to be what it was advertised as and they returned to Salt Lake City and are living in the Buckingham Apartments where I used to live in the Avenues. We had a long visit catching up and Roy said he was diagnosed with some skin cancer so he was glad to be back in Salt Lake for the Huntsman Clinic.

I went to sleep around 9 in a quiet house.

17 November 2023 Friday

Over filled my coffee cup this morning, so put a saucer below it and immediately thought of my grandpa Johnson always slurping his coffee from a saucer when his cup was too hot. Anyone else’s grandpa used to drink their coffee from a saucer too.

I took Luisiana into work with me and set up the kitchen but Kyle was there with a lot of prep for remodeling. He had an electrician come in to put in some more outlets, and we put together a new shelving rack for the pots and pans. In my free time I got down on my hands and knees and scraped up a lot of the grime in the corner of the walls that had been built up for years. I don’t know how a kitchen manager could have let the grime and grease accumulate over the years unless they had such a turn over that no one took proper management of the place.

            Anyway, I went to retrieve Milagros, then to the Credit Union to deposit the girls payrolls money and then pull it out in cash. I noticed that Kyle didn’t pay me again.

            After getting off work I dropped some items off at Deseret Industries and bought a good pot with a lid, a couple of knit shirts for work, and some dishes.

            I also went shopping at Lucky’s for a few items before coming back to the house

Where I stayed for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I made some lima bean soup because I heard the weather is supposed to cool off for the weekend.

            I told Kyle I wasn’t coming in tomorrow. I should have a day off as well.

We talked about Thanksgiving and said I am leaving it up to him as all I am going to make is cornbread dressing, pecan pies, and cranberry sauce.

            I didn’t see Adrian at all today but Kyle said that he got his days off moved to Thursday and Fridays.

            Only thing in the news is the Israeli-Hamas War which has overshadowed the Russian Ukrainian War and supposedly China’s leader Xi and President Biden made some strides to reduce tension between our two countries.

Seven years  today I was asked to foster "Cupcake". I was a failure and ended up adopted her and can’t imagine her not being a part of my little troop. I was told at  the time she was a surrender because her owners did not have time for her...She was about 5 years old.

 I wrote at the time "We [the pups and I] will see how it goes and hopefully get her into a good home who has time for her. The best way I can honor Lucky, Daisy and Farley is by helping these little sweet hearts find good homes." 

I was such a sucker. How could I let her go? I renamed her Lulu Belle after adopting her. She i think was  really surrendered because of bladder issues because she is a puddle maker so a mop should have come with her.  Hard to think of her as around 12 now.

I still had Buddy and Harleigh at the time plus Maxx and TJ so Lulubelle made 5.

18 November 2023 Saturday

I was up at 5:30 to fix Adrian a breakfast to take to work, did some dishes in the sink and baked some biscuits. The dishwasher isn’t working again so it’s back to washing them by hand.

            It rained off and on during the day which didn’t stop the pups from wanting their morning walk. So, I walked with an umbrella so they could have their constitutional.

            I wanted to do some yard work and perhaps drain the hot tub but it was too wet outside so I concentrated on cleaning the house. I took two bar stools to the Grove Apartment when I went to take Milagros to work.  I told her I was taking the day off.

            Back at the house I started in on the dining room and moved the red tall rustic cabinet from where it had been since I bought it, near the back door, to the wall between the front room and the dining room. It really opened up the space. I had to take down my picture of Huntington Beach I had framed years ago and find a new spot for it.

            I mopped and swept and waxed the floors, polished furniture, washed baseboards and just rearranged and cleaned for company this Thursday. I might not get another shot at it.

            I stopped to take Luisiana to Bewilder but those two times were the only times I left the house today while working so hard.  Kyle went shopping for grocery for that day and I prepared the different breading’s for the cornbread dressing. In the evening I even baked two pecan pies and froze them before going to bed. I will thaw them out on Thursday.

            I was pooped out and went to bed around 8:30 when I heard the doorbell ring several times and knocking so I finally decided I better answer the door and it was the dad Luis Negron and Lucianny. That surprised me but they came to retrieve some work tools Luis had left in the garage. While they were here I gave them the wooden bench that I had put out on the veranda because I didn’t want it in the bedroom. I knew they could use it because when I went there the other day I saw that they had fold up table but no seating.

            They left around 9 when they heard from Milagros that the kitchen was closing early and so I went back to bed to sleep.

            Kyle had asked me to ask TJ and Jim to bring rolls and shrimp cocktail. He texted me- So here's what I'm making: 1. Turkey 2. Dressing 3. Mashed Potatoes 4. Sweet Potatoes 5. Corn 6. Pumpkin Pie 7. Whipped Topping 8. Champagne 9. White wine 10. Red wine. I already bought the Turkey and I'll go to the market for rest of what I need today. You're going to make: 1. Corn bread dressing 2. Asparagus 3. Other pies/desserts Am I missing anything?”

Perhaps punch or sprite for kids, Gravy

Kyle Ok, I'll have soda options as well for the kids. Plus, bottles of water Oh, yes. I'll do a Turkey gravy

I am making cranberry sauce but you might get a jelly can one

Kyle Ok, I'll get one can, if only for nostalgia

Rolls

Let's ask Jim and TJ to bring rolls and shrimp cocktail

Okay dinner at 4 ?

Yes,  served at 4. Maybe show up at 3

I lived in the dorms at Cal State Fullerton my Junior Year in college in the Fall of 1971 until I was kicked out for telling people I was Gay. I had joined the Gay Student Union that was organized that fall. It was a difficult time.

In college I joined antiwar marches, attended protests, took part in conscious raising until broken hearted i joined the Mormon Church in 1972  thinking they would fix me  and I went off to BYU hoping to find answer in a strange land... never did ... just more confusion with a failed marriage,  until i came out as a Gay man in 1986 and discarded the baggage that  I had carried for far too long.

I was a radical activist in my early 20s then became a fanatic Mormon and later still a fanatic Gay community builder in Salt Lake City while recording our history. 

Some 50 years later I am  still a new left  radical just moving more slowly as i am wending down. It’s been a strange and interesting journey so far.

It seems like just yesterday it was Halloween and next week is Thanksgiving. Where does the time go? I am only making a few pecan pies, cornbread dressing, and cranberry sauce this year...letting others do all the rest for Thanksgiving...part of turning it over to younger people.

I remember back in the 1980s putting on huge Gay community Thanksgiving dinners for 50 people or more at the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church or up at the First Unitarian social hall... i had a lot of help but  I was the main coordinator.

Good times and fond memories

19 November 2023 Sunday

I was up at 5:30 to pack a breakfast for Adrian to take to work. I couldn’t walk the pups this morning because of the drizzling rain but I did go and retrieve Luisiana to open  up the kitchen.  The bar hostess said that a large crowd was going to be in today and we didn’t have but a few chicken schnitzels that I made last week. It was brunch Sunday when waffles are served so I heated the griddles but still wasn’t sure how Kyle wanted them served.

Kyle didn’t even come in until 11 and Luisiana and I were already busy with orders. He had all week to show us how to prepare the Waffles but hadn’t and then criticized me while telling me how to prep the waffles. When i asked him a clarifying question on preparation he threw a tantrum and stormed out basically saying I was too stupid to understand. But he came back and then told Luisiana how to prepare them. Never apologizing. It really pissed me off because he treated me like I was an idiot. Later he said he was going to urgency care because he wasn’t feeling well so i kind of let his attitude go. However, I am so weary of Kyle’s mood swings.

I had started making chicken schnitzels and when we were slammed we had a lot of chicken and waffle orders as a huge group of 25 or more came in. I was running back and forth between making waffles and acting as a fry cook as Luisiana was swamped. We used up all the schnitzel that was done from last week plus much of what I had breaded this morning.

Kyle came back at 12:30 and we were still busy, out of many things and Kyle started laying out bacon to bake as we were all out of that. I went back to breading chicken that had been left out for a while and when my hands were full Kyle demanded whether I had put bread in the brown sugar to keep it soft when I put it away and I was frustrated and said I was busy.

It was about 1:30 and he threw another tantrum at me, threw a piece of chicken I was breading and yelled at me to go home because i dared talked back to him when he was critical of me again. He even called me a bitch. 

I was so sick of him disparaging me through his tantrums so I grabbed my stuff and left,  even though we were still quite busy. I hated leaving Luisiana but when Kyle is in one of his states there’s no reasoning with him.

As I was going out I said I was not coming in tomorrow for this was the third time Kyle yelled at me to go home. Kyle yelled at me as I was leaving and said not to ever come back. I don’t know whether I was hurt or relieved.

I came directly home and to get my mind off of the fight,  I went into the backyard and started draining the hot tub. It was still raining but I didn’t care. I shut the tub down as it never gets used anymore.  I am the only one who keeps its filled and cleaned, and I don't care anymore.  My days of using a hot tub are over.

It had been raining all day but around 4 I finally took the pups for a walk in the misting rain. They slept mostly all day anyway because it was so gloomy out.

This last rage of  Kyle has made me not want to even be at Thanksgiving this week. He has once again taken any joy away from it.

For the rest of the day, I felt at a loss of who I am because of my perhaps misguided devotion to Kyle. But I cannot take his emotional abuse any longer. I did nothing wrong for him to berate me like he did and it’s not the first time he screamed at me to leave. Its insanity on my part to allow him to keep debasing me when much of what he has is solely because of me.  I have supported him in almost everything for the past 13 years…but I don’t know how much more I can take.

            Like the song Landslide, “Well, I've been afraid of changing' ‘cause I've built my life around you.” I have made Kyle my life for so long that it seems like a part of me is dying. Perhaps it is.

I just need to remember I am not responsible for Kyles’ actions. He brings everything upon himself. So, I have been pondering what my life is going to be like now with this new break. The Negron’s are gone from the house, I rarely see Adrian, and since Kyle doesn’t want me at Bewilder I won’t see much of Luisiana and Milagros anymore. Events turn on a dime.

Part of me thinks I have out lived my usefulness except I know my pups need me and love me.  That keeps me from packing it in and moving on.

It all seems so surreal.

20 November 2023 Monday

I stayed home brooding over how Kyle treated me yesterday but decided to use the time productively. I drained and completely cleaned the hot tub but did not refill it. I cleaned it the best I could and drained a lot of the water out of the pump lines as I could also. The little bit left in there may freeze but hopefully because the tub is covered and has a shelter over it, they won’t burst.

            I also finally mowed what is left of my backyards of the weeds that have grown up since I last mowed it in the summer. I wanted it reasonably cleared for the winter and pulled up the remaining wild sunflower bushes.

            I also scrubbed the veranda of all the dog poop that had gathered there since last time since company will be coming over for Thanksgiving,  I suppose.

            I never heard from anyone except Luisiana who asked how I was doing, the sweet thing. I said I was just staying home and resting rather than telling her how I really was feeling dejected.  I didn’t fix Adrian any breakfast because I just wanted to lay in the dark. The only time I left the house at all today was to walk the pups twice.

            I did post some information on the Earth Texas Facebook site about my family living there in the mid 1920’s a hundred years ago.

            I also decided to make a pumpkin-cranberry Bundt cake for Thanks giving dinner  and I finished preparing the corn bread dressing and then put it in the freezer with the pecan pies. I will thaw them out Wednesday night and all I have to do is bake the dressing and make the cranberry sauce.

            I have been watching a few episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and the Fellow Travelers series.

            I was tired from all that I did today and went to bed early around 8:30.

            In the news former First Lady Rosalyn Carter died yesterday. She was a great lady. President Carter is a widower now after 77 years together.

21 November 2023 Tuesday

I had a dream this morning that I was back at Bewilder but the kitchen had been rearranged.  I got up fixed some coffee and an English Muffin and went back to bed and fed the pups their treats as I looked on Face Book. Then I saw this message from Kyle that he posted last night at 9:30

“Hello Ben, I'm sorry for getting upset with you on Sunday. Once again, I was not at my best and I have no excuse. You are very important to me and I don't like it when we're upset with each other. So, I wanted to write and apologize because I was in the wrong. I love you and you matter to me.”

I wrote back at 8 this morning “I know you have these moments and while I never take it personally ... it does feel like I have little to offer you anymore... i said when you were in prison I would always love you and i will until I die. Every family has its issues, but we, you and Adrian are family... i am too old to hold a grudge against people I love.   If you want me to go in with Milagro this morning I will.  I just needed to hear you say you regretted angry words said under stress. I love you as you well know.”

I then took the pups for  walk on a very frosty morning. The temperature got down to 25 degrees so any water left in the hot tub pipes I am sure froze. While out walking I thought about Adrian’s birthday tomorrow and how I am going to start letting him park in the garage and I will park on the side driveway. That way he won’t have to warm up his car and scrape ice as he does at 5:30. I don’t use the FIT until well after the sun is up so this will be my gift to him.

I took Milagros in to work this morning to set up the new kitchen. Kyle and Adrian installed a new stove and range as well as two additional fryers. That made putting out orders a lot easier for sure. We were almost out of French Fries and Kyle had to go hunt down brats so it was Milagros and by ourselves for much of the day.

I made some veal schnitzels finally  but that was the main prep work. Maria came in around 1 and she is not afraid to work. She even helped Milagros on the line.

When I left at 2 Kyle was back and I went to the Rose Park Smith’s to buy ingredients to make Adrian some Lasagna since it is his birthday tomorrow.

He came home around 4 and I showed him the Lasagna and he was really excited because it’s one of his favorite foods and I also gave him my garage opener and said he could park now in the garage and I will just park in the driveway. I hated seeing him go out in the cold to start his car just to warm it up and defrost it at 5:30.  I hoped this will make his life a little bit easier.  I know it was long and hard walking from the LaFrance Apartments on 3^rd West down to Main Street catch an early bus in the winter to get to Orchard Elementary when I was a teacher.  That was about 30 years ago.

Anyway, Adrian went off to see Kyle and I stayed home to clean up my kitchen and watch some television.

22 November 2023 Wednesday

Today is Adrian’s 26^th birthday. His 25^th year sure was a bumpy roller coaster ride. I was up at 5:30 to pack him a lunch of lasagna and pears before going back to bed. Around 8:30 I did walk the pups and it was another very frosty morning. I know Adrian must have been happy to not have to scrap his wind shield by parking in the garage.

            Kyle came up around 9 to let me know his plans for Adrians birthday and for tomorrows dinner.  He said he is taking off Friday all together.

 I then went and picked Luisiana up to take in to work. She hadn’t seen the new equipment in the kitchen but we worked just fine together.  We were low on chicken Schnitzel and were almost out of French fries but later in the day a Sysco order came. We had a bit of a lunch rush but mostly it was kind of slow.

            Kyle brought Milagros as they had gone shopping together for Adrian. They were here around 2:30 and Adrian came soon afterwards. Kyle had brought 40 pounds of chicken breast and asked if I would stay and make schnitzel. I was tired but knew we only had about 4 in the cooler so I stayed another hour.  I left as soon as breading them and Milagros and Luisiana worked the evening with Maria as their dishwasher.

            My left eye was noticeably red as many people commented on it but it wasn’t sore so I think maybe a vessel popped. At my age I am less self-conscious of my appearance.

            When I left I went to Deseret Industries mainly to buy serving platters and bowls and found a brand new Farber Ware manual can opener in the package unopened for $2. They are normally around $16. I ended up gifting it to the Negrons, not sure if they had an opener.

            At the house I cooked up the cranberries and cleaned up a bit.  I saw that Adrian and Kyle were both home downstairs. They were going out to a birthday dinner at the Rodizio Grill at Trolly Square around 7.

            Kyle wanted me to go pick up Lucianny at 7:30 and bring her back to the house so she could decorate the place with the balloons and with the blow up ones that spelled out Happy Birthday and the number 26. All were silver and black.

            The rest of the gang came over after closing the kitchen, to be at the house to surprise Adrian when the two came home from dinner. It was a little after 9:30 when Adrian came upstairs in the dark thinking just to see me and was surprised to see everyone else yelling Happy Birthday.

            Kyle had two bottles of champagne and some expensive little chocolate mousse cupcakes to celebrate. I stayed up until 10 but had to go to bed tuckered out and fell to sleep amidst the laughter and chatter in the kitchen. I hope Adrian knows how much he is loved.

23 November 2023 Thursday Thanksgiving

Bewilder was closed today so we all had the day off to prepare for the afternoon dinner. I was up early as usual although I had prepared most my part in advance so it wasn’t all that busy for me except last minute cleaning and setting up extra card tables to display the dessert.

I noticed that my left eye was still red and a little swollen but still didn’t feel all that bad. It was chilly out walking the pups this morning.

            I was surprised that Kyle and Adrian didn’t even leave the house until 11 to go to Bewilder to roast the turkey and prepare the rest.  As that Kyle wanted people to starting coming over at 3 for dinner at 4 I thought he hadn’t given himself much time without having to rush.

It was almost 3 when they came home to even start to set up the table. I went beneath the veranda and saw that Kyle had piled all these stuff like lawn mowers and buzz saws on top of the plywood so I started pulling things off so when they did come they could haul a plywood sheet up.

            They also dropped Tutu off to help set up the table and left us some table cloths from Bewilder to use. Kyle brought extra folding chairs also because we were having 11 people for a sit down dinner.

            TJ and Jim arrived shortly after 3 bringing dinner rolls and shrimp cocktail. They were a little disappointed when I told them that Mike was having dinner at the Giles and wouldn’t be eating with us. Mike did say he might drop by as the Giles were eating at 1 but I know with the Giles that means around 2:30 or later.  He never did come so I told Jim and TJ that I would bring Mike out some Saturday before Christmas to visit.

            Kyle and Adrian were back around 3:45 with the turkey and what else they had prepared. He made a stuffing for the Turkey which he had splayed to cook faster. He brought corn, gravy, Turkey, potatoes, and yams. He covered the yams with marshmallows and the yams were more like the consistency of baby food. His mash potatoes were from roasted ones and was not very creamy. He also brought a huge platter of vegetables and hummus.

            I made cranberry sauce, cornbread dressing, steamed asparagus, as my contribution to the dinner beyond the desserts.  Adrian brought this 18 inch long Columbian flan like dessert that he had made for his birthday but we had today.

            There were plenty of drinks, soft and hard and the 11 of us manage to sit around the makeshift table in my small dining room. Luis Negron brought his brother Leonardo also, so three of us were Gringos, one was Japanese, and the other 7 were South Americans.

            I ate what I could with small portions but mainly wanted just cornbread dressing and cranberries. We prepared way too much food but it’s better to have more than not enough. It was a traditional American Thanksgiving. There was lots of laughter and chatter and I sat near Jim and TJ to visit so they wouldn’t feel left out at our “bilingual” dinner table.

            I know Adrian was really happy to have his family here as well as TJ and Jim enjoying a Thanksgiving. He wanted TJ and Jim to join us for Christmas Dinner also that the Colombians would prepare.

            I wasn’t exhausted like most Thanksgivings that I am usually involved with but since I was nearest to the kitchen, after dinner wound down, I started clearing plates and filling the dishwasher which thank Providence was working again. Some people are Marys and some people are Marthas. I have always been a Martha serving others.

            The dessert table was hardly touched. Adrian’s flan and the fresh cubed pineapple was the hit among the Latinos. Smith’s Grocery were selling fresh pineapples for 99 cents so I bought two. I think only TJ, Jim, and I had a slice of the Pumpkin and Pecan Pies. When TJ and Jim left around 9 to go home I sent two untouched pies home with them knowing no one here would eat them.

            It was raining when they left and I went to bed because I knew I would be working tomorrow but the party continued in the front room until 10 when suddenly it became quiet.

I noticed the veranda lights were still on and when I went into the kitchen to turn them off, I was pleasantly surprised that the table had been returned to normal and the kitchen cleaned up. The little mice must have scurried to clean up while I rested. 

            I had earlier put all the leftover food in plastic containers which the Negrons Villalobos took home with them which I was glad but it wiped out my storage of containers lol. I was glad they took it all but they left the cranberry sauce and took the cornbread dressing. I guess I will have to make some more for me again.

            My sister Donna called me earlier in the day to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. She said that yesterday her son Kevin totaled his car but he was unhurt and they went and bought another one. She said they had a small dinner just the two of them.

            Sometimes I forget that I am a bit of the glue that holds this all together when I start to feel insignificant as I age. Kyle is only here because of me and my love for him. He brought Adrian home who is also here because of my love for them.  Adrian and Kyle brought the Negrons y Villalobos home here temporarily until they found their place down the street which I paid the deposit for.  So, I think I am the tie that binds and tethers us all together. I even brought TJ and Jim into our lives through creating Gay Men Allowed several years ago.

So that was basically Thanksgiving 2023 and it was extremely enjoyable

            Yesterday I noticed that the $8,000 I took from my Retirement Fund finally was deposited and I paid $4,000 of it on the Visa Credit Card to make a dent in it. I will probably pay off my Ashley furniture also so that my monthly bills will start being lower.

24 November 2023 Friday

TJ Otaka sent this message this morning. “Guys, Thanks for a great Thanksgiving dinner. Great seeing you all and Adrian's family. As soon as we hit the 47th south, the rain turned into snow but we made it back here safely. Before I forget to mention, thanks for the pies as well. We are all set for the weekend and beyond with your delicious pies

You sent.”

I wrote “I woke up to snow here also...glad you made it home safely...always a pleasure seeing ya’ll.” Kyle added, “Thank you so much for joining us last night. It's always great seeing you both. Glad you made it safely and we hope to see you again soon.”

We had the first real snow overnight but less than 2 inches, just enough to cover the ground. When I walked the pups the sidewalks were cleared.

Kyle was staying home with Adrian today so I took Luisana to Bewilder with me to open up but Kyle had to come in briefly to print out payroll for the week and give me the debit card to take to the Credit Union.

Actually, Milagros came in around 11:30, with Luis Negrons dropping her off. She said she wanted to come in as not to be alone in the apartment as I suppose the rest were going out today and Milagros had to come in at 2 anyways. It was the first snow fall for the kids Lucianny and Luis and Kyle said they went out early to make snow angels.

Anyway, since Milagros wanted to stay with Luisiana, I left to go to the Credit Union to deposit the payroll and take out cash for all the women. Kyle even paid me this week my $250 that I said I would work for.  After coming back with their pay, I left for the day and went to Deseret Industries to shop a bit for some utensils and I bought two more long sleeve pull over shirts for the winter.

I also went to Smith’s bought items to make some cornbread dressing since the one I made all went home with the Columbian and I also bought a yam and instant potatoes for the gravy left.

About then I was home and cleaning the house getting everything back in order, when Kyle called and said the Brats at Emigration Harmons was ready to be picked up. I had said I would go get them so he could be home with Adrian.

It took about an hour to drive across town, pick up the order and then deliver them back to Bewilder where we repackaged them. So, in the late afternoon I was home to fed the pups their supper and I had  like my own little thanksgiving meal.  It was getting dark and it was cold out so I didn’t take them for a second walk.

I actually ate too much and soon retired to my bedroom to watch some television and snooze a little.

Kyle came up to get a little pumpkin pie and Adrian ate the flan he made that I saved for him from all that went home yesterday. They started digging out the Christmas stuff beneath the stairs and earlier I changed the garage and front porch lights to my colored Christmas Lights. Not sure how much I will do this year.

I hope everyone had a safe and warm Thanksgiving. We had a joyous bilingual celebration here, with the best part sending left overs home lol ...

Now holiday  trees can go up, you can post all your Christmas memes on Face Book, play Christmas music, battle the war on Christmas and fight with other Americans the conspicuous consumption which is Black Friday

25 November 2023 Saturday

I was up at 5:30 to fix Adrian some breakfast to take with him off to work. Today was my day off but I ended up taking Milagros into work at 10 and Luisiana at two because Kyle asked me. Milagros was on her own until Kyle got there around 11.

            I did a lot of work today outside beneath the veranda. I saw that all the equipment was left on the patio so I decided to clear out beneath the deck. I moved  6 tires which I don’t know why we still have them, further down underneath the stairs and swept and cleaned out the flooring. I lifted the plywood up vertically against the house so there was more room to store items which would not have to be moved when Kyle and Adrian pull out plywood for a make shift table.

            I decided also to make more room in the garage by hauling out totes that could easily be stored beneath the deck. I went through a lot of Kyles tools, sorting them and throwing out stuff I know he doesn’t even know he has that he would buy again  if ever needed. There were so many duplicate crap.

            Anyway, I put everything away and swept out the garage and made things more tidy. His work bench however is another story. Its piled with tools and crap that needs sorting but not by me or at least today.

            I brought out some of my Christmas decorations to put on the porch lights and put the holiday wreath on the front door. I am not going to string lights like last year. What I have on the railings is enough.

            I brought in my fiberoptic Christmas tree and nativity cheche and that’s about all I am going inside the house. It’s enough.

            I thought I had lost my garage door opener because I looked all through the Honda FIT where I thought I had placed it. When I took Luisiana down to Bewilder Kyle helped me look for it and dumb me I found it in my cup holder. That was a relief. I found that my tire pressures were low and Kyle told me to go to Discount Tires in Wood Cross because they would check and fill my tires for me. So, I did that.

            While in Bountiful I went to Dollar Tree and Ross Dress For Less looking for some New skillets and Christmas stuff but didn’t see anything I wanted.

I acknowledge on Facebook that it allows many of my Gay and Lesbian friends and acquaintances the forum to reach out to relate what is going on with them. Many of my senior friends can’t get out and socialize like we once did and Face Book allows us to stay in touch.

I do appreciate my friends sharing their struggles with each  new aches, pains, and difficulties they are having, in updates even if I can't do a thing about them but be empathetic and let them know someone is listening and cares..

Older Gay folks often have lost many of their network of friends, families, and lovers through time and Face Book allows me a way to stay in contact. For me it’s  like a community newsletter for my friends.

26 November 2023 Sunday

I was up at 5:30 after a restless night. I kept waking up after going to bed so early, afraid I would sleep past time to get up and fix Adrian some breakfast to take to work. I tried to rest some afterwards but I had to walk the pups and take Luisiana into work with me.

            It was really slow this morning and Kyle didn’t come in until after 11:30. Thank goodness we didn’t have any waffle orders like we did last week as that one of the waffle irons was not heating properly.  We only got busy in the afternoon but in the morning I had to make chicken schnitzels quickly because they ran out last night. Also, we were down to one and half bags of fries so they must have been really busy last night.

            Before going home, I went and bought a case of French fries at the  US Foods  Chef’s Store by Target on 3^rd West. I had never been in it before but us kind of like a warehouse.  After taking them back to Bewilder I left to go back home. First I had to stop and get gas as I was on empty. I went to Rose Park’s Smith and with a 10 cent discount I paid $2.99 for gas, the lowest I think I paid all year.

            I then went to Dollar Tree to look for some silk poinsettias and food containers. They had hardly any flowers at all but I bought a few to be festive. Then went to Lucky to get some milk, queso cheese, hot chocolate mix and a red onion for Bewilder.

            From there I decided to go to Walmart on 13^th South and bought a small frying skillet and some kitchen and bath mats as I threw out finally the old ratty ones. I also bought my first live poinsettia for the season.

            It was very chilly out as I put red bows on my outside porch and garage lights and walked the pups. I have been wearing the heavy coat Adrian bought me last year for Christmas because it’s been in the low 30’s.

            After that I fed the pups, ate some tamales myself and then went to lay down around 6:30 and fell asleep. I woke up at 8:30 and got up to straighten up the kitchen and shortly afterwards Adrian and Kyle came home as Kyle said it was slow at Bewilder.

I finally was in bed snuggled in with TJ laying on my legs, Taco under the covers by myside, Maxx sprawled at the head of the bed on my left side and Lulubelle down by my feet...the pups had turkey, rice, peas, and carrots for their supper after their 2nd walk... i feel blessed to have them all wanting to be with me this frigid night

27 November 2023 Monday

            The alarm I set on my tablet went off at 5:30 so I could get up and fix Adrian breakfast and lunch to take to work. I tried to go back to sleep but wasn’t able so I made coffee and did my usual morning routine.

            The Huskys next door were howling all night long so I had a restless sleep anyway. I went into work after walking pups. As I was pulling into the parking lot a large cargo truck pulled in and delivered two freezers that Kyle had ordered. The crate was delivered near the kitchen and Kyle dealt with it after he came in.

            I managed to set up the kitchen all by myself and the only prep I did was made eggplant schnitzels as we were  all out and cut up two heads of red cabbage because we were out.

            After Maria showed up I left around 2 to go home and rest before walking the pups and feeding them. While I was away, Adrian came to Bewilder and helped unload the freezers. Kyle wanted me to go to Lowes to buy a power strip for them, which I did then Adrian left for home. He wasn’t feeling well. I gave him my garage opener as I told Kyle, Adrian would use it more than me since I go in and out the front door now that I park in the driveway.

            With the help of Maria, Kyle had us rearrange the kitchen as he also put in two bun warmers also. Because of where the new freezers went how we weigh and measure items to deep fry became an issue that needs to remedied.

            We had a small dinner rush but by 7:30 I was really tired and Kyle said that he and Maria would close up so I left and went straight home to bed and was asleep by 8:30.

            I think I will tell Kyle I don’t want to work Sundays anymore and will work Saturday instead in the morning doing prep. I hate doing the waffles for Sunday brunch as its just way too stressful for me.

Less we forget Harvey Milk and Mayor George Macone assassinated this day by a disgruntled homophobic former police officer and city councilman. Salt Lake is one of the few cities to name a major thoroughfare after a Gay man.

Reactionary Republicans always claim the system is rigged and only they can fix it. Just remember what happened in 2016. I am not worried that Biden won't  beat Trump in a popular vote election but scared to death of the Electoral College.  Hillary Clinton beat Trump by 2 million votes but the outcome of the Electoral College threw the election to a criminal.

            Mitt Romney said he’s vote for Biden over Trump. A little too late.

28 November 2023 Tuesday

Up at 5:30 to fix Adrian his scrambled eggs to take with his rice and cheese to work with the lunch I packed for him. I fixed myself some coffee and a breakfast burrito I ended up sharing with the pups along with their doggie treats.

            I walked the pups before heading over to pick up Milagros for work. Today is Luisiana’s day off. I showed Milagros all the changes down at the kitchen and when Kyle came in we filled the new freezers with French fries, tater tots, pickle fried, an Jalapeno bites.

            I baked a batch of pretzel bites and boiled up 48 various types of brats while there. My stomach began to get queasy for some reason. When I left at 2 I told Kyle that I didn’t want to work Sundays anymore because I don’t want to do brunches. I told him I hate doing waffles because they stress me out to no end and I am too old for that kind of stress. He said he wanted me to still come in on Sundays but I said I am not doing waffles and he needs to come in and do them.

            Anyway, I called the vet and on Thursday I have an appointment at 3 to have Lulubelle’s shots and to have Taco’s nails clipped. So that’s finally done.

            Coming back home, I rested, walked the pups, and fed them before retiring. I was tired from being up so early. I thought about going to the Men’s Group but once home I didn’t want to go out into the cold. I just wanted to stay in bed and snuggle.

Six years ago, I brought home an abused old chihuahua to foster. He had been abandoned in the canyon and left to die. He was rescued and i was contacted to foster him, which I did.  They named him Rocky and he was thought to be 10 or more years old. He’d bite me anytime i came near him. He was so scared but I realized he needed a permanent home.  So, I adopted him and just added him to my pack.  I renamed him Buster.

I had him for 6 years and he died peacefully in his sleep in his little bed. He  was loved and cared for in his old age. He would make me laugh .... I miss him but he’s buried in the back yard near his last home so I know where he is. 

29 November 2023 Wednesday

My alarm went off at 5:30 so I could get up and scramble Adrian some eggs and fix his food to take with him off to work and then I went back to bed to rest but not really sleep. When I started getting ready I took a shower that walked the dogs before leaving to go get Luisiana to take to work.

            When I was setting up the kitchen I noticed that the walk-in was like a freezer and things were frozen. I have no idea how that happened but Kyle didn’t seem to concerned even though the produce was ruined. I suppose he fixed it as it later went back to being just refrigerated.

            It was a very slow day and Kyle wanted me to take Milagros before coming to work first to America First Credit Union to get a document notarized for Tutu’s school transcripts from  Ecuador but the loan officer there wouldn’t ask the only ID that Milagros had was not official and she needed her immigration papers she had from El Paso so that was kind of a waste.

            After taking her to work I left and went home for the rest of the day and after walking the pups I didn’t leave the house after that.

            I baked a frozen pizza for my supper and fed the pups some brats that Kyle let me take home that he didn’t want to serve customers.

            I was really tired and watched The Man Who Invented Christmas movie before falling asleep around 8 and slept through the night.

            Today is two of my cousins birthdays Stephanie Williams and Chris Johnson, who is actually my 2^nd cousin. They are about 10 years apart.

30 November 2023 Thursday

I did something to piss off Face Book AI algorithm again. I can post but not comment on other friends posts...just can do the like emoji..  Then later Face Book in their infinite mercy and graciousness allowed me to comment on posts once again.

I took Milagros into Bewilder this morning and it was cold and damp. We set up the kitchen and Kyle bought new warming pots to starting serving 4 different of soups. I left about a quarter to 1 to go bring Luisiana back because I needed to take Milagros back down to America First and even though we had a Spanish speaking helper we couldn’t get her signature notarized because the credit union stated it was bound by Utah laws on what documentations they would accept.

The guy did say that we could find an independent notary and do something called a notary attestment so that will have to be the way we have to handle it.  Its sure a lot of work just to get a paper notarized so Tutu can get her transcripts from Ecuador.

Anyway, I came home to take Taco and Lulubelle to the Wasatch Springs Vet. Taco needed his nails trimmed and Lulubelle her Bordetella and Rabies shots so she can get groomed. After taking them home I went to the Dog Park and made an appointment for Thursday December 14^th at 9 in the morning. The receptionist was a young millennial with a nose ring and tattoos who barely acknowledge I was there. No customer service skills whatsoever. Oh well.

Then I dropped by Deseret Industries to donate the aluminum Christmas Tree that once belonged to Mike Romero’s aunt Rose that I saved from being tossed but I never used it so donated it.  I bet it was over 50 years old.

Gas prices have dropped below $3 a gallon but sure people will still complain about the economy. Heard on NPR that food prices have gone up nearly 25 percent since 2019 due to inflation and Biden seems to be blamed instead of Trump and corporate greed.

At home I fed the pups and watched a bit of the news and then retired. Henry Kissinger is dead at 100 years...now he can be tormented by all the dead Chileans that dictator Pinochet murdered.  I fell asleep around 8:30.

"Has the War on Christmas begun yet or do I wait until December 1st? I have a stock pile of Happy Holidays,  Seasons Greetings, Joyous Yuletide, HO, HO, HOs, and Xmases I need to use up. But I don't want to jump the gun."

November has never been a favorite month of mine as it always seemed dark and gloomy even when it wasn’t.  The Negron y Villalobos moved into their new apartment out of my spare bedroom with the help of the money I gave them for a deposit.

Much of my life now revolves around working at the Bewilder kitchen about 28 hours a week, usually from 10 to 4, except on Mondays when I work around 8 hours with Kyle alone. I am not sure how long I can keep it up but even though Kyle keeps saying I don’t have to be there he depends on me to be. Especially as he uses my Credit Union to pay the employees as he only has a debit card from a bank that doesn’t have locations in Utah.

 DECEMBER

1 December 2023 Friday

The sun will rise at 7:31 today and set today in Utah at 5:01 . Thank goodness we are back on natural time. Because of the Wasatch Range that shadows Salt Lake City, it will be after 8 before the sun peaks over the mountains. Each day until the Winter Solstice we will continue to lose about 2 minutes per day of daylight.

Well, we are now in the last month of the year and it rained and snowed much of the day. I managed to walk the pups just as snowflakes began to fall and then went and picked up Luisiana to take to Bewilder.

            There the walk-in was frozen again and so it was kind of hectic especially now that we are serving 4 kinds of soups that also needed to be heated up as well as the beer cheese.

            I think the soups will be popular especially the chili con carne. Kyle came in around to help with the soups as I wasn’t sure where Milagros had put them away last night but it was all okay and I managed to bread 33 chicken schnitzels and fry them up before leaving to go get Millagros.

            After bringing her back, Kyle was gone with Adrian but he wanted me to go to the Credit Union to get payroll for everyone. However, when I went to transfer money into my account I was told there was insufficient funds in Kyles account. So, I had to take money out of my money market account to make sure Millagros, Luisiana, Maria, and Sarah were paid as I am sure with it being the first of the month they had rents to pay.

            I was frustrated and went to the Credit Union branch on Pioneer Road and they also said the card had insufficient funds. Kyle checked this morning and said he had $2900 in his account but one of his venders took out $2700 instead of $270 so until he can get that straighten out, again I am subsidizing his business.

            It was nearly 4 in the afternoon before I was able to come home and I made an Italian Macaroni and Meat casserole for Adrian’s lunches this week as well as a macaroni and cheese casserole. For myself I made a pot of Taco Soup which sounded good on this wintry snowy day. However, it was a little bit too spicy hot as I put in too much chili powder.

            I fed the pups after walking them again and then watch some news.  George Santos was finally expelled from Congress being the only 6^th person in history.  Former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor died also was in the news.

            My stomach started getting a bit queasy later and I started having some diarrhea and so I went to bed and I must have been really tired as I fell asleep around 7.  I woke up around 10, got up to clean the kitchen and go to the bathroom again before trying to go back to sleep.

            It’s World AIDS Day and it’s also a time for me to reflect on all my friends and a few lovers who didn't survive into old age with me, due to this then fatal disease. Many were in the prime of life not only fighting a disease that would kill them with only one doctor in Utah who would treat them but also homophobia which added to their suffering.

2 December 2023 Saturday

I woke up around 4 after I made a mess in my bed again, involuntarily in my sleep. So, I had to get up and strip the sheets off the bed and put everything including my soiled shorts into the washer.

            I put my flannel sheets on and remade the bed and put down extra layers of towels in case I had another accident. I kept going to the toilet with runny movements, not sure what caused this bout of incontinence. Since I was up and awake I also decided to just prepare Adrian’s breakfast and lunch after 5 am when I had settled down and then went back to bed.

            I fell asleep and didn’t wake until after 9 in the morning. The dogs slept with me as it had snowed during the night and the morning was gloomy. I posted on Face Book around 9:30 “It’s good to stay in bed all day when not feeling kosher on a cold snowy morning. At my age, it’s always something that hits when least expected. At least i have a warm bed and no place to go.”

            I was hoping Kyle would see my post and know I wasn’t taking Millagros to work and he would have to go in with her.  He did and responded, “Get some rest today! You deserve a break.” I replied, “stomach troubles all night”. He asked “do you need Alka seltzer or a Sprite? Crackers maybe?. I replied “I am having cream of wheat to put something on my stomach...that should do it I hope. Thanks” He later wrote “There's plenty of soup at the restaurant if you want some I can bring it to you.”  I answered, “I am just staying in bed and close to the bathroom. Just kind of feel off and out of sorts.

            A Face Book friend Jeffrey Chidester wrote to me, “Benedgar, I have learned so many things from you since we became friends. If I have, others have. We value what you say. I value You.” I replied “ Thanks... it’s the old school teacher in me...i am a pontificator lol.

In bed all day except when Taco, TJ, and Maxx insisted that they needed a walk. Around noon I decided to get out of bed, use the bathroom and take the pups for a walk around the block. It was cold and breezy out so I bundled up but they needed a walk. Sometimes I think the needs of the pups are the only thing that keeps me sticking around this mortal coil.

I usually walk them in the morning at 9:15 so 12 noon was late for them. It was damp with snow on the ground but they insisted. I told them they better do their business because it’s the only walk they are getting today.

Back home fixed a cup of hot tea, and back in bed with a heating pad and 4pups now sound asleep.

            I was in bed for most of the day except to use the toilet. I didn’t feel terrible just tired I slept a lot also. Kyle and Adrian brought me some chicken soup and crackers from Bewilder but otherwise I had no interaction with anyone.   

3 December 2023 Sunday

I slept all through the night without any accidents but my bowels are still loose. I was up at 5 to fix Adrian his breakfast and lunch to take to work. However, he never left at 6 so have no idea what is going on there. I am usually an afterthought.

Still having stomach issues but no sense laying around and moaning about it. Might as well be vertical while I am still able and hope for the best. At my age being tired is just part of reality. But there are miles to go before I sleep and pups to walk and feed.

It was a drizzling rain all morning so the pups didn’t get a morning walk before I went and picked up Luisiana to open up the kitchen. Taco was so disappointed. Luisiana  wasn’t feeling well either with stomach issues but no diarrhea like me.

Opening takes longer now that there are four soup kettles that have to be filled and reheated. All the pots have to be rewashed before they can be filled also.

            Kyle showed up around 10:30 and said that Adrian stayed home with a sick stomach.

 I asked Kyle about the funds and he said the vender said it would take a few days for the money to be returned. I said that when we get paid on Tuesday, I want the salary for the week deposited into my account so payroll is first thing paid. He said that was a good idea but I wonder if he will.

            It was extremely slow with only two orders of waffles and schnitzel probably due to the rain. Kyle said yesterday was their worst day yet with only making $500. Kyle made the waffles because I had told him I wasn’t doing it any more.

            However, when I informed him that the overhead fan wasn’t working and it was 95 in the kitchen he went on the roof to try to fix it. When he couldn’t he decided to close the kitchen for the day so Luisiana and I ended up cleaning up to go home early.

            We were done by 1 and she went with her family who came by to pick her up so they were all together. I left and stopped at Sutherlands to buy a broom for home and an industrial mop handle for work as the one there was rusted and broken. I figured Kyle had enough on his mind.

            I took the pups for a walk in the light misting rain and then was in for the rest of the day.

            My bowels seem to be finally settling down and although I was queasy I didn’t have any unexpected surprises and after feeding the pups I went to bed. I tried to stay up past 9 watching old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond so I wouldn’t walk up in the middle of the night.

            It was a wet and gloomy day on the most part but without any snow.

4 December 2023 Monday

Finally getting back to normal from the stomach bug...I guess it's going around but affecting people differently.  Grateful to have had a warm bed and a toilet nearby... simple necessities we take for granted at times

When I went into work at 10, Kyle wasn’t there but soon the lady that collects donated items came by. Because Kyle wasn’t there to inform me and last night he said to donate items in the freezer down in the basement I inadvertently hauled up many of the brewery’s bags from their freezer which had not been marked. Fortunately, one of the guys from the brewery was there who I could ask and saved me from giving away what the brewery uses.

            The stairs were dark and steep so it had been a lot of work hauling so many heavy bags up so I was early exhausted by the time Kyle came in. he showed me all those old frozen meat buried beneath what we do use but by then the lady was gone and didn’t come back. Since Kyle said he was just going to throw it all away I took several to take home to freeze to feed the pups.

Kyle had been running around trying to find parts to fix the motor for the industrial fan on the roof so we could be open.  I was upset that he had not been more explicit about what he wanted donated but I figured he had enough to worry about.

            He did later get a call from a distributor who stated he could have a motor shipped from Denver, hopefully by Wednesday at the latest. It will be around a $1000 and guess who will be paying for that?

            Since there was absolutely no reason to be at Bewilder, I left around 11:30 and went to visit with Mike Romero who I hadn’t heard from since before Thanksgiving. He had a doctor’s appointment today to have his catheter changed out down in South Jordan and asked if I would stay with Coco instead of bringing her to the house as she had not been feeling well and had a bit of diarrhea also.

            So, after he left I stayed most of the afternoon over on Hodges Street watching episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond until Mike came back at 3:30. Almost as soon as he left, Kyle called and said he was going to open partially with soups and salads but I said I couldn’t come back right then because of Mike needing me to look after Coco. However soon as he came home I left to go back to Bewilder.

            Mike said he’d go with me to see TJ and Jim this Saturday and also I said I would help him hang his movie star pictures I gave him from the old movie room.

            At Bewilder, Maria had come in and Kyle had her put to work doing some cleaning but there was really no reason for me to be down there so I left before 5 to come home to walk and fed the pups.

            I had baked a huge turkey breast this morning that Kyle had given me some months ago from Bewilder that I had thawed out to cook for the pups. So, they will be having turkey and rice for their supper for a while.

            I went to bed after watching the news and fell asleep around 7 and woke up at 9. I watched some television until around 10:30 because I didn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night.

5 December 2023 Tuesday

I had a strange dream that I was visiting with relatives I didn’t know about the Johnson clan in Tennessee. I vividly told them why the family lived at Johnson Hallow on Martin Creek between Putnam County and Jackson County because they were bootlegger and could hide from the law. My sister Donna was with me as a much younger person as I was and she and I were both interested in this handsome guy. Weird what comes out in dreams as I hadn’t thought of Martin Creek in years and years.

            I fixed Adrian his breakfast and lunch, went back to bed before getting up to walk the pups before going into Bewilder. Kyle didn’t have Millagros come in today because there would have been nothing for her to do. I heated up the soups and got what we were going to serve until Kyle came in around 11. We were only serving soups and grilled cheese sandwiches.

            Mike Romero called around 10 and asked if I’d go with him on Thursday at 9:30 to get his windshield replaced and I said I would.

            When Maria came in around 1:30 I left because the two of them could handle how slow it all was and Kyle said Adrian would come down after he gets off work.

            So, at home I rested some and walked the pups again as it was a beautiful 50 degree day and then fed them.

            I gave in and went to the Gay Men’s Support Group tonight although I would have rather stayed home. Who knows how many times I will feel up to it.

            There was about 12 there and two new people to the group. I sat next to Paul Milne as usual. Bill Blevins said that last Tuesday coming home from the meeting near his home, a person being chased by the police side swiped and totaled his car. Fortunately, he only sustained a broken finger in the collision. The guy was caught and booked in jail.

            The meeting was interesting but kind of low key, with various topics coming up during the evening. When it was over at 8 I left and went back to Bewilder where only Kyle and Maria were working. Kyle said they only made $140 tonight and his account was empty because he had to pay rent.  I stayed and helped clean up and left at 9:30 to come home and go to bed. I will be by myself tomorrow for some of the morning as Kyle has a doctor’s appointment.

6 December 2023 Wednesday

Kyle had me go into work to start all the soups as he had a doctor’s appointment up at the U of U. It was hectic making 4 different kinds of soups on the stove and washing the pots as well as setting out the brats out and all. He didn’t come in until after 11 but it wasn’t too busy, I just hate having to set up by myself and make decisions.

            Anyway, Maria came in around 1:30 and shortly after that I left to go home as I was tired from getting up at 5:30 to make Adrian’s breakfast and lunch. It was over 50 degrees again today so I took the pups for a second walk and then around 5 Kyle called me to ask me to come back down to Bewilder to help out Maria as that Kyle and Adrian were up on the roof on the building putting in the new motor for the fan.

            Kyle managed to get it operational so we were back in business with all the fryers and grill turned on to the Wednesday evening crowd. Adrian left to bring Millagros and Luisiana back to work the evening shift and they acted happy to be back at work.

            Kyle let me go home around 6:30 and there was three of them, Maria, Millagros, and Luisiana to work so Kyle and Adrian left too.

            I fixed me a bowl of Potato soup I had taken from Bewilder and went to bed.  I watched a bit of television but fell asleep until 10. I decided to get up and have a bowl of raisin bran cereal and watch Everybody Loves Raymond so I wouldn’t wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning and now be able to go back to sleep.

            It was near midnight when I turned out the lights and went back to sleep.

            In the news Norman Lear, who brought social commentary to the sitcom, died at 101.  We were just talking about last night how All In the Family discussed Gay characters sympathetically and even had a reoccurring drag queen's death by a basher be a poignant emotional show.  The drag queen had once saved Archie's life.

Craven Kevin McCarthy said he's going to leave Congress early...there is Gaetz in Gatorville smiling... hopefully the gators there will have him next. Santos, soon McCarthy, and hopefully Green, Boebert, and Mike Johnson will join them in the  annals of infamy

7 December 2023 Thursday

It was a wet rainy morning but managed to walk the pups before I had to go meet Mike Romero at 8:30 downtown where he was getting his windshield replaced and take him and Coco back home. Before heading back to the house, I stopped and got gas at Smith’s where with a 10 cent discount I paid $2.77 a gallon the cheapest I’ve paid in years. I also went in the store and bought a red onion for work. I had already walked the pups so I went to the Grove Apartment and both Millagros and Luisiana came with me. I guess they wanted to get caught up at work.

            I am glad they did because there was a lot to do. It takes nearly an hour to cook the four soups and beer cheese and clean the containers so they did all the other prep. There were so many pots and pans for Maria to do when she came in.  I had to go to the Glendale Smith’s and get some parsley, salad mix, and a couple of tomatoes because what we had had gone bad.  I baked two trays of pretzel bits, chopped up two heads of red cabbage and 30 chicken schnitzels while the girls boiled brats, cooked spaetzle, and did all the sauces.

            Kyle came in and put up a new wire shelf and when we sat down I asked him whether he had the money for payroll this week. He admitted he didn’t again.  He just paid rent for the month and since sales had been down he just didn’t have but around $200 in his account.  That was depressing but I cannot let the four women not get paid so again it will be up to me to pay from what I still have from the money I took from my retirement fund. It will be around $2000 and of course nothing for me.

            When I went back to the house I went on my America First account and saw a GoDaddy charge which really surprised me. I called them and they said that I had no transactions on my account and when I called Kyle he said he didn’t use it. So, I had to go to the bank and dispute a charge for $99.99 from GoDaddy when I don't even have an active GoDaddy account. Supposedly I will get the charge reversed and I had to be given a new debit card.

            On the way back home, Mike called me to say his truck was ready and I swung by, pick him up and took him downtown. Coco was shivering the whole time and I think she is not long for this world.

            Then back at home after feeding the pups, Kyle came upstairs and asked if I had a spare laptop as his was broken. That surprised me but worse later he told me that he and Adrian were fighting again and Adrian smashed his laptop while at work!  God like there isn’t enough drama.

Around 7:30 while I was in bed already, Kyle came up and sat in my room saying he was going to sleep upstairs. He needed to talk I suppose so I let him but wasn’t really sure what set Adrian off this time. All I know is that I am weary.

            Kyle also talked about how he renegotiated his deal with Cody the owner of the Brewery because we are not making the income that was projected. Between rent and sharing some of the sales it sounded like Kyle was paying out nearly 25 percent of the business. From that remaining food costs and salaries have to be paid.

            He stayed until after 9 talking and when he left I thought he was going to sleep upstairs but noticed that he had gone back down to his room.

            So tomorrow again I am burden with economic uncertainty. I can squeeze out payroll for this week but said that next Tuesday when he gets paid I must have the payroll for the women before anything else.

            So, I am getting so weary. Not only from the work which is probably good for me to be active but from the uncertainty of the business being sustainable. It should not be my concern and worry at my age but it’s the way I am built. I have never not been a care taker from the days of being married to Fran, living with Mike Romero, and now Kyle and Adrian.  But I am weary and wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just fade away now which is my eventuality anyway.

Life is easier when it's lived simply and with purpose. In 50 years, all that we thought we could not live without will be trash to someone else.  But hopefully good memories of us will outlast our material possessions after all like the song says We Are Just Dust In the Wind.

8 December 2023 Friday

It was a cold snowy morning, and windy also from the sounds of my chimes. At least I have a warm bed with 4 pups who sleep by my side and we are not out on the streets. I worry about the homeless with pets as I don’t think shelters allow them inside and people won’t leave the only creatures that care about them. We all need the basics like love, water, food, and shelter.

            I went and picked up both Luisana and Milagros to go into work. We didn’t have as much do to prep as we did most of that yesterday. I saw the mess in Kyle’s office with broken dishes and his shattered computer. Adrian must have gone on a tirade again and it just breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do. I am powerless over people as A.A. teaches.

            Kyle came in but soon left to find a computer place to see if his data could be recovered and he found a place that could for $150 so that’s good but pricing replacements at Best Buy were expensive.

            A pretty good lunch crowd came in which was encouraging and I left at 1 to go withdraw money from my money Market account to pay of the Latinas their salaries which amounted to about $1800. So, it’s going to be a slim December for me unless Kyle is able to pay me back some of the money.  Kyle did give me all this deli meat that he had me package that he never used that was starting to turn to give to the pups so at least they will be eating even if I am not.

            I went home afterwards to rest and I walked the pups again and I saw that Adrian posted that he brought in a treat as it was Luisiana Negrón 20^th birthday. I hadn’t bought her anything and she is so sweet to me so i went to the Mexican bakery brought her a large flan cake for$33 that she can share with her family when she gets off work.

            I only stayed long enough to give her the cake and then headed back home to feed the pups as it was after 5 in the late afternoon and getting dark. Kyle wasn’t at work and not at home so have no idea what is going on and at this point don’t really care as much.

            I called Chuck Whyte to visit some as it had been a while. I can tell his mental faculties are diminishing by the way he converses. He was wanting to know if I heard of any Gay places having Christmas because he didn’t want to spend the day alone. I said Christmas Day doesn’t mean a thing to me and I have no idea what I will be doing. I didn’t tell him that I didn’t even know if Kyle and Adrian will be together then and if the Columbians do anything it would be awkward for them to be there together.

            Anyway, I went to bed around 8:30 tired and when Kyle came in I think he slept upstairs.

            I had a message from Ross Poore which surprised me asking how I was and I said I was fine and that I had taken in a Columbian family for a few months. Strange that it was a year ago that I was visiting Bill Poore at the Woodland Care Center after he had been released from the Huntsman Center. I wonder why Ross contacted me unless he was nostalgic about his bother.

Ryan O'Neil passed away at 82. Heart throb in the 1970s and 80s. Played a pretend Gay couple in the film Partners with John Hurt.

9 December 2023 Saturday

Another morning of drama between Adrian and Kyle. I was up early to fix Adrian some breakfast to take with him and saw that there was no eggs. I don’t remember using them up so Adrian must have fixed himself some.

            I went back to bed and rest some until I heard the garage door open and then banging on the door. I looked out the window and Adrians car was in the driveway and the door he was banging on was Kyle’s. When I heard shouting I went downstairs and went inside the room and they were yelling at each other again. I asked if everything was okay and Kyle said no because Adrian won’t leave to sleep upstairs.

            I managed to take Adrian upstairs and briefly talked saying we would talk more later after he gets off work and after I return from TJ Otaka and Jim McMillan.

            After he left Kyle came upstairs saying that as soon as the divorce papers are signed he wanted Adrian out of the house. I said this is still my house and I am not kicking Adrian out that he could stay upstairs as long as he needs. Kyle finally settled down and I started to weep saying I am just so tired, physically, and emotionally, having to worry about keeping it all together for everyone. I said sometimes I think about just going and sitting in the car in the garage with the pups and us all go to sleep. I said I am basically broke and have no idea how he is going to make Bewilder work if he doesn’t even have enough money to make payroll?

            He had to leave to go take Millagros in to work as it was supposedly my day off. After walking the pups, I got ready to head over to Mike Romero’s place where I spent the morning hanging the pictures of the Hollywood Divas that I once had hanging in my movie room. I gave them to him as they were too good just to trash; Bette  Davis, Joan Crawford, Gloria Swonson, Mae West, Judy Garland, and Jean Harlow. They were once Gay icons but doubt if the LGBTQIA+ crowd even knows who they are.

            I stayed there until around 12:30 when we left to head out to T.J. Otaka  and Jim McMillan place out in Daybreak. I drove and actually I got turned around and a little bit lost from all the new construction out there but we were just a little bit late.

Mike took Coco with us because she is almost getting too old not to be with Mike.  TJ fix a delicious repast of fried chicken some, wraps, and some shrimp for us and Mike visited about what old people usually do when we get together; You know, medicine, death, and Gay porn LOL.

I informed them not to expect Adrian and Kyle to have a Columbian style Christmas eve dinner this year and they said they were fine with that because they actually had planned on staying home this year.

We stayed until around 4:45 and the sun was already starting to go down so thought we better leave before it gets dark. Christmas traffic is even worse than normal with people driving crazy and too fast.

They sent us home with some Christmas butter cookies and some beautiful poinsettias. However, Mike gave me his tin of cookies because his blood sugars had been way to high lately.

It was nearly 6 by the time was home after dropping Mike and Coco off and I then fed the dogs but we didn’t go for another walk. It was too dark and too cold.

Adrian wasn’t home so I cleaned the spare bedroom, made the beds, and just made it not such a storeroom. Adrian came in shortly after that and said he wasn’t feeling well, with a sore throat, and was a little feverish. I think he is just emotionally exhausted like the rest of us. I fixed him some hot tea and visited a bit. He said he is done fighting with Kyle and is resigned to leave the relationship peacefully. He held on to me and hugged me for the longest time before going to take a shower to get warm. He did finally come upstairs and go to bed as Kyle had called me and said he didn’t want to see him downstairs.

I was exhausted too and went to bed around 9. Kyle was back and forth between Bewilder and did bring a flat of eggs home as I had said I was out and I wanted some for Adrians breakfast in the morning. I have no idea what time he actually came home.

I know the Negron’s clan was celebrating Luisana’s birthday after work at their apartment but Adrian wasn’t there.

So, it goes.

10 December 2023 Sunday

I was up at 5:30 to make Adrian some breakfast to take with him, rested a bit before walking the pups and then I took Luisana into work. We opened the kitchen and almost right at 11 we had orders for waffles and Kyle still wasn’t in but on his way.

            I was in the process of making the four soups and Luisana was stocking up when he came in. I didn’t talk with him much and kind of left him alone and just did what I had to do to stay busy. He asked about Adrian a couple of times but we never really visited. It was slow enough that around 1:30 I left as I was feeling dizzy and just plain tired.

            At home I cleaned the kitchen, walked the pups, and took to bed. Adrian didn’t come home until around 5 and he said he had been out with his sister. I brought home from Bewilder some chicken soup for him and made him some hot tea. We visited a bit and he was as weary as I and he said that he wanted to take a hot shower and then going to his room to rest.

He said that he wants to leave Kyle peacefully so he can live his life the way he wants.  He said he is going to eventually try to find an apartment because staying here hurts too much after being separated from Kyle.  He said that he needs a place for when his other sister and mother and brother comes. He was really tired and just wants to rest tonight  but did asked me later this week to help gather his things and clothes.

            After that I just went to bed feeling like someone had died. I wrote a bit on Face Book what I was feeling.

“Tonight, I am missing a lot of family and friends who have left me behind. Memories of them are precious but they also tugs at the heartstrings.

 I think one grows old when there's no more joy to be had in the world as its difficult being here without peers who shared the same timeline and experiences.  All my old friends have passed. Those who knew me as a younger man are just memories.  There are few to reminiscence with.

Sometimes it just feels like at a certain age  your time has passed and you are just taking up space for others to occupy before we become stardust again. 

People come and go out of your life so much more quickly when you are older than when younger. The heart breaks are just that more frequent.

I have had a long life fortunately and I've always fought the good fight for justice and equality  as best as I could but now I am just weary of the world's meanness and of being too old to make much of a difference anymore that I felt I once did.”

Erick Myers wrote me, “You’re still living your values and contributing, Ben! The fact that this year you shared your home with a young family starting their new life in America is massive proof of that.

As someone who remembers you from the 80s and 90s, when you ran support groups for so many people in our community, I continue to be thankful for the huge positive impact you had on my life as I came out. Your gift for organizing groups, events, and including everybody in your circle of friends has been a blessing to thousands of men and women over the years. And I know that you know that is the truth. You aren’t irrelevant; you’re just taking a break to reflect on life.”

I replied, “Erick Myers there’s a few of us still around like you to remember when we were the movers and shakers.”

I don’t know if I want to live in this weary world without Adrian and I am weary of always being the caregiver and provider for Kyle’s ventures. At what point does someone watch over me? I think never, so I need to see to how my end comes like I have always done about everything else all my life. I feel like my cup is empty.

11 December 2023 Monday

I am in a state of depression. I know it but don’t know what to do about it. I am tired of living in an age I don’t belong. I slept all night though, sometimes dreaming, sometimes worrying if Kyle will make payroll this week, worried about how my finances are dwindling, and sick at heart about my little family breaking apart. I don’t know what more I can do in this world.  Maybe there’s another. Maybe not.

            I did not feel like eating but made some coffee and walked the pups before going to work. In the car I noticed I had a full tank of gas and the cruise control was on so Kyle must have taken my car somewhere last  night while I was sleeping.

            I was the only one setting up the kitchen as Kyle didn’t come in until after 11 but I had everything ready and cooked. It was not as frigid this morning so I didn’t wear a jacket this morning and I inadvertently left my glasses home but I managed without them.

            At one point Kyle said to me that he has no one to talk to about his feelings about the break up. I had simply left him alone, not wishing to engage knowing I was on the verge of tears myself, but I knew he needed me so we went into his office and he began to let out some of his feelings and I just listened, not having any comfort to give. I did try to explain that the reason Adrian became so violent towards him was because how deeply he was hurt by Kyle’s often indifference.

            Kyle said that he is contacting a lawyer for the divorce and that he wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow morning as he wanted to stay home and take down all of the Christmas decorations and tree that he had just put up a few days ago. He said that he couldn’t sleep last night so he took my car as not to open the garage and just went driving. I knew he went hundreds of miles from what was on the odometer.

            It was slow with just a few orders so after Maria came in, Kyle said I could go, which I did. He said that he and Maria should be able to take care of whatever business they had on a Monday.

            I did say I would go get 20 pounds of chicken breasts to make schnitzel for tomorrow as there were only a few left from the weekend.

            I was all out of Nudges and Beggin dog treats so I had to stop at the store where I also bought ingredients to make a pan of lasagna for Adrian’s lunch tomorrow. It won’t be very long before there comes a time when he won’t be around for me to cook for him.

            When he came home I had to let him into the downstairs as that Kyle had locked the door. Adrian needed some of his notebooks for his driving class tonight. He said that he found a place to rent and that he would be moving out of the house and I just listened and complimented him on how well he is speaking English now. 

            I spent the rest of the evening alone. I have had no interest in posting on Face Book any more Christmas theme memes as that I have shut down that part of having Christmas this year. There is no Joy in my world. Kyle said earlier that he had no one to talk with but then, so do I.  It’s all contained, bottled up, but seeps out once in  while through my eyes.

            Jim Dabakis had texted me earlier to see how I was and how Taco was doing.  I did tell him that Kyle and Adrian were separating but not how I really was feeling.

            I was  asleep when around 9:30 Kyle called and said he was coming home and wanted to talk to me about Adrian and him. So, when he came in I went into the front room and Kyle said that Adrian and Millagros had come down to Bewilder and Adrian and Kyle agreed to divorce as amicable as possible and that Adrian was moving away. It wasn’t anything I didn’t already know from talking to Adrian earlier.

            It was nearly 10:30 before I went back to bed. I am heartsick from losing the little family I thought I would have in my old age. I told Kyle earlier that I do not want him ever to bring another boy home to live  as I cannot endure another loss.

            So, another chapter in my life comes to a close.

12 December 2023 Tuesday

I was up early to fix Adrian his breakfast and lunch knowing it won’t be long until I won’t be able to as he won’t be here. I tried to go back to sleep but too much grief was on my mind. I walked the pups early so I could go to the meat market by 9 to pick up the chicken. I decided it was better to do it before getting Millagros so she wouldn’t be left alone.

            Kyle ordered 40 lbs. rather than 20 so it costed me $79. From there I went into Bewilder and started turning on equipment before going back to Redwood Road to retrieve Millagros.

            At work I cooked up the soups and Millagros set up the food stations. I made 15 chicken schnitzels first, because we were completely out but then later after cooking them, finished about 20 more so that should do for a couple of days.

            It was extremely slow this afternoon with only a few orders and a food delivery. Millagros was talkative on her phone while I basically just tried to keep busy. Maria came in around 1:30 and I had done up a lot of the pots but left her enough to do.

            The Wi-Fi on my phone stopped working around 12:30 for some reason but I was able to use Bewilders guest Wi-Fi until Kyle finally came in after 2:30. I was really tired and ready to go home. I showed him what came in today and he fixed the Wi-Fi on my phone. As I was leaving he said that Adrian  was home now and needed to get some things out of the bedroom downstairs that Kyle started locking.

            Back at the house, I greeted Adrian who was so depressed, heartbroken, and said he was too upset to have eaten anything for lunch.

We went into the bedroom and saw that Kyle had stripped all evidence of Christmas and Adrian gathered a few things before we sat on the couch downstairs and just held each other and cried. He said that he thought of me as his father and grandfather and it hurt him to leave me as well. I told him that this was always his home whenever he needed. I also, between sobs, told him that I told Kyle that he could never bring another boy to live here because this was Adrian’s place. After shedding many tears, we went through the unhappy task of taking all his clothes and personal items upstairs. The saddest and most heartbreaking thing was seeing Adrian take one last look at the room, and crossed himself, and kissed his fingertips as if to say goodbye to a beautiful but tragic dream.

            He had said that the main reason he had to leave Kyle was that he could not share his bed with Kyle knowing that Kyle brought boys home to fuck in the bed. He said he couldn’t be so disrespected. He said that Kyle may have a million boys but Adrian only wants one to love. He said someday Kyle will be old and alone. I fear that is true. I know Kyle has some real issues but his inability to keep his zipper up, lost him a boy who truly loved him and a family he could of have had.

            Adrian had to go someplace but not before he was worried that his phone was acting up. I thought perhaps Kyle had canceled his service but actually he had just not paid the Verizon bill that was due yesterday.

            Adrian asked me to do a load of laundry for him so he would have some clothes for work, which I did after he left the house. I didn’t watch TV or anything but just went to bed. I was really emotionally as well as physically tired. I only stayed awake long enough to pull his clothes out of the dryer and fold them.

            This morning my printer was acting up and wouldn’t print but when Kyle text me an email asking me to print out copies of a divorce request I fooled with it to get it to print. He needed two copies, one for Adrian and one for himself. I am just numb but we will all get through this one way or another.

            While at work I noticed another dark purple spot on my left arm similar to one I had on my left arm a while back. Not sure what that is all about. Just another sign of my mortality.

            I fell asleep but woke up at 10 because my night shirt felt drenched from sweat. I must have broken a small fever.  I got up and fixed some English Muffins. I was going to have some cereal also but the milk had gone bad.

            I checked my American First credit union and had to change my password for some reason the old one was not working. I changed it to simply Edgar10@1951.

            I still am not ready to post on Face Book. I kind of just want to deal with what I have to deal with in my own journal.  I am not all cried out yet.

            I have a fantasy that I could convince Adrian just to stay and live upstairs and pay me some small rent and be just a tenant, which would be the rational thing to do as it would provide him a space and he really wouldn’t have deal with Kyle that much as Kyle rarely ever comes upstairs. Oh well I can dream I suppose.

            It’s now after midnight and I suppose I should try to go back to sleep.

13 December 2023 Wednesday

I had a very restless sleep and around 4:30 I got up to pee and go into the kitchen and was surprised to see that the front door was wide open! Have no idea how that happened or who left it but I went down and locked the door.

            I went back to bed for a bit until after 5 I started making Adrian’s food to take with him work. He left around 6 and I went back to bed but really didn’t go back to sleep as I was so distraught over all that is going on in the house.

            I just had coffee and decided to go into the spare room and sort through all of Adrian’s clothes that were dumped in a  pile. I hung up his shirts and jackets and placed his other clothes in folded piles. I also made up the bed. I know Adrian will probably leave but I am going to tell him that he can store anything he wants here at the house.

            It was getting near 9 to I showered and then walked the pups before leaving to take Luisana to work. An electrician was in the kitchen doing something with the electrical panel. Luisana worked setting up the line and I cooked the soups and Kyle came in after 11.  We weren’t busy at all and I was getting extremely tired so at 1:15 I told Kyle I was leaving because I needed to go to the store to get some milk and bread and Kyle asked if I would pick up a large jug of dish soap because we were out at work.

            I went to Lucky’s and then over to the Grove Apartments to retrieve Millagros. After taking her to work I came home and was going to lay down when noticed that Lulubelle had wet the bed so I had to strip it and do some laundry as well as remake my bed.

            Adrian came home after 3:30, took a shower then left saying he had to meet Kyle about the divorce papers.

            I walked and fed the dogs and laid down until I heard Adrian come in around 6:30. He went to his room and shut the door so I left him alone for a bit until 7 when I knocked and went in. I joined him in his bed and we talked through the Say Hi app. Evidently Kyle had some boy over last night to fuck and Adrian noticing another car in the driveway went down into Kyle’s room and saw him fucking this boy. It devastated Adrian but he did not get violent or angry as I think he is resigned to the divorce and Kyle’s promiscuity.

He said tonight they had a long talk and Kyle admitted to Adrian that he has promiscuous nature and that unless Adrian wanted an open relationship they couldn’t be together. Adrian said to me that he is “conservative” and only wants one man to love, his husband and could never except Kyle sleeping with someone else in their bed. He said that Kyle doing so showed a lack of “respect” for Adrian.

            Adrian talked a bit more and then suddenly he burst into tears, more like a primal anguish and pain. He kept sobbing and crying out for Kyle and for his mother and I just held him as he wept and wept and cried out like a wounded animal.

            At one point I noticed blood on his cheek and realized that he was racked with grief so much that his nose was bloody. I got him to go into the bathroom where I cleaned him up and a blood clot came out of him.

            Exhausted, I took him back to the bed and he asked for a Sprite and I went down to the garage to get him one. He must have texted Millagros about his bloody nose as when I came back up I had a call from Kyle asking about Adrian. I said I couldn’t talk right now as I needed to get back to Adrian. After giving him his Sprite, I cleaned up the blood on the floor the best I could not really caring, just concerned for Adrian.

            The violent anguish seemed to have subsided to just tears so I just laid with him and held him in my arms, petted him, and stroked his hands and forehead. I know he felt exhausted and he started to sleep some so I took TJ and went back to my own bed to sleep a bit and let Adrian rest.

            I am not sure what time it was probably around 10. I took TJ with me and climbed back in bed with Adrian who reached out to hold my hand. I had to take TJ with me as he would have cried and whined not to be with me.

            So, I just held on to Adrian throughout the night. I heard Kyle come home but he did not come up. I got very little real sleep but Adrian needed me.

            At one time he said his parents separated when he was 7 years old and he thought when he got married he would never divorce. The realization that his dream of building a life with Kyle and in this house was shattering to his heart.

            I wanted to weep myself but how could I? Adrian needed me to be strong. 

14 December 2023 Thursday

I slept with Adrian for most of the night with TJ nestled in by my side. I had to take the pups for an early walk as I had to take Lulubelle down to the Dog Park groomer by 9. I then came home threw myself into the shower and got ready for work.  I reluctantly said good bye to Adrian, not realizing that I was not to see him again at the house.  The last thing he said to me was how blue my eyes were this morning.

            I went and picked up Millagros and we opened the  kitchen and did the usual prep when Kyle came in around 11.  He had me go deposit this week’s payroll. He said he had it but I was not confident. I wanted to go to the Pioneer Branch on 17^th South and on the way over around 11:30 the groomer said Lulubelle was ready to be picked up. That was fast. So, I went there first, paid $67 which included a $5 tip and took her home before heading back to the Credit Union. He had me deposit $2,071.26 to pay Maria, Sarah, Millagros and Luisana and said to keep  $500 of it to start paying me back. Actually, that is just a drop in the bucket for what he owes me.

            Anyway, back at Bewilder I left at 1:30 to go retrieve Luisana and Kyle said that he wanted me to go for a ride with him on my return. I had no idea what he wanted but just agreed to go along way too tired to resist or care.  

He showed me Bubba’s Truck Wash place on 27^th South and Third West that he said he is investigating to run as another business venture. He said that Luis and Leonardo Negron might work for him there. Actually, I could not have care less about it and wondered how he was going to also run Bewilder’s kitchen.

            Back at Bewilder while sitting in the Terrain, he started talking about Adrian, how they both agreed that a divorce was the right option and he thought Adrian was being mature about it. I didn’t say anything until he asked about my take on the matter but said I know everyone’s relationship is their own but he was 44 years old with lots of past heart aches while Adrian is only 26 and this was his first and he is devasted but like with a death he is walking through it until at moments like last night when he was screaming in pain.

I said to Kyle that there’s no blame here. Your wants, sexual appetites, and desires are different from what Adrian wants. Kyle said at one point that we had each other before Adrian came, and I said to him yes but Adrian brought joy into the house. “Of all the boys you tricked with Adrian was the only one who love me.”

            While we were talking Adrian face time a call to Kyle and they spoke in Spanish so I had no idea what was being said except I could see that Adrian was crying and then Kyle was crying.  I began to weep and said I had to leave and go home. I wanted to be with Adrian again and hold him.

            However, when I came into the house and went into the bedroom, all his clothes and items were gone. He was gone. I immediately burst into tears and was sobbing so hard I could hardly breathe.

            I started tearing down all traces of Christmas outside and in the house throwing much on it away into the trash barrels. I took down the raggedy Pride and American flags removed all the Christmas lights and I was almost hysterical with grief. It is as if there was a death. Adrian was gone and so was all my joy.

            I had to walk the pups so I hid my tears and did what I had to do for them because if not for them I didn’t want to be any longer in this weary world.

            But life goes on. Adrian didn’t die just the dream of us all being a family. With Adrian gone there’s no one here anymore to take care of anymore, no getting up at 530 to fix breakfast and cooked rice, pancakes, and scrambled eggs. I know he will get through all this because he is a survivor, but we will never be the same again as we no longer share a same space.

I have always hated Christmas as it rarely has ever been a joyous time and this year is no exception. I have shut down to spare my heart

15 December 2023 Friday

Life is made up of days of great joy and great sorrow. This is one of the sorrowful days as I suppose will be many to come. I can’t believe that there’s some great plan by a divine being but just part of what is called life.

            I woke up at 5:30 this morning but didn’t get up until after 6:30 to make some coffee. I am still weeping and feeling inconsolable. But life must go on and dogs needed to be walked and work to be done.

            I picked up Luisana to take her in to Bewilder and it was a usual day setting up the kitchen. Being at work was good only in that it kept me from being too weepy and kept me busy.  I made 44 breaded chicken schnitzels and later Kyle called and said he was sick and had been throwing up all night. I suggested that he stay home until the afternoon and just come in at 2 bringing Milagros with him, which he did.

            He also said that he’s taking veal schnitzels off the menu because he sells so few of them so Chicken Schnitzels will be the only one still on the menu after the four we started with back in September.

            Jim McMillan called not know I was at work to say he was sorry that I was so upset about the divorce. He himself fell walking to the South Jrdan clinic that is just down the street from their condo last Monday. He banged his face up pretty badly with a swollen eye and bruises. He said he continued to the clinic and they addressed all his wounds and the Moran Eye clinic tried to repair his glasses which will need to be replaced. He was by himself when he fell. He said the swelling and puffiness has gone down but he was a sore sight to see.

            He invited Mike, Kyle, and me down for Christmas day but I told him that I wasn’t sure what was going on and not wanting to tell him that I was finished with Christmas and doubt any of us will feel much like celebrating.

            After Kyle brought in Millagros he paid all the girls their pay and I had given Maria a bag of Mandarin Oranges that I bought the other day for Adrian but there’s no one to here anymore to eat them and she has a husband and baby.

            Kyle said he wasn’t staying long just long enough to do some business and then take his computer home that he had replaced the one that Adrian had trashed. I was tired myself and didn’t do anything but walk the pups in the afternoon and basically just dealt with my depression.

            Kyle came home around 3:30 but didn’t see him until around 7:30 when he came up to get some saltine crackers and chips. He embraced me and I hugged him back. What else could I do?

16 December 2023 Saturday

Adrian came by the house after he got off work. He didn’t come by to come back home but rather to ask me to intercede with Kyle about quickly submitting the divorce papers as he believes Kyle is stalling.

As we conversed, mainly on the Say Hi app, I was under the impression that they had talked the other day and Kyle said he needed time to consider his own feelings. Adrian stated that he feels that Kyle is not going to be faithful and will always want 3 ways and “orgies” and that is not what Adrian wants out of a marriage.

            I said I would talk to Kyle but doubt that Kyle will talk to me as he shuts down when he doesn’t want to share his feelings with me. Adrian implied that he was also seriously thinking about leaving the state which made me so sad.

            Adrian said he’s staying with Millagros right now but it’s way too crowded in the apartment and he’s hoping to find a place of his own. I know he won’t come back home knowing that Kyle might bring another trick downstairs and that would be too painful for him to endure. Adrian said that Kyle is claiming that Adrian abandoned him by leaving the house. I just don’t know what to believe anymore because so much gets lost in translation but Adrian said he wants the divorce quickly and amicably so he can move on.

            Again, my heart was grieving by seeing Adrian and knowing he’s in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it.

            Around 6:30 I was surprised when Adrian showed up at the door again. He wanted to leave Kyle a message as that Kyle had blocked him from calling him. When I tried to call Kyle, he said he didn’t want to talk to Adrian so he left. I walked him to his car and I told him he would be my “only” boy as he is worried that I might love some future infatuation of Kyles.

            A little later Kyle called me to tell me why he blocked Adrian as he felt that the only reason Adrian had been calling him was to find out when Kyle was taking the divorce papers in. I said that wasn’t the real reason that Adrian probably just wanted a reaction from him.

            Kyle said he felt like Adrian had abandoned me by leaving the house and that perhaps Kyle should be the one to leave so Adrian could come back and bring “joy” back to me and I said the joy was knowing how happy the two were together.  Kyle reiterated how sex with so many different guys was meaningless to him compared to actual love which he felt he had for Adrian which isn’t enough for Adrian and probably needn’t be. When one person in a relationship loves more than the other, he is always going to be hurt.  

            Kyle said that Bewilder was having a closed party tomorrow and Luisana and I didn’t have to go in until about 11:30.

            Jim Dabakis sent me ticket to go see Mama Mia but it’s for a Sunday and I wouldn’t have anyone to go with. So, I will see if Luisana and Tutu would like to use them for Christmas Eve.

            For escapism I have been watch a Netflix series called 'World War II: From The Frontlines' a docuseries with colorized and enhanced footage that made the people seem more alive than the simple black and white images. Sometimes it just seems surreal that all this mass destruction ended just 6 years before I was born.

17 December 2023 Sunday

Strange dreams of being at an award ceremony for Charles Frost. I saw him plain as day and then he changed into Dottie Dixon his Mormon housewife persona. I was asked to read one of the presentation. Later another dream I was back in school and it must have been Orchard Elementary as Dan Unger was in one of the classrooms. I was wandering the halls trying to find my classroom but all the rooms were filled with teachers who were not teaching but just sleeping while students were watching videos. I knew I had to intervene and teach and went to the school librarian who I recognized but don’t recall her name. I was asking where the resource room was the held all the lessons plans and she said they were all gone as they weren’t used anymore.

            So, I went back into a classroom and it must have been around October as I began to teach the students about 3D, length, width, and depth and showed them how the world is in 3 dimensions and in art we try to duplicate that. So, I taught them how to draw a realistic 3D pumpkin on flat construction paper. I have no idea where these dreams came from or why they were so vivid.

            It was foggy and hazy this morning when I walked the pups. I didn’t have to go into Bewilder to set up until 11:30 because the brewery was having a special event and was closed to the public. I picked up Luisana and we were down there setting up when I was informed that at least 120 people would be coming in for some form of game tournament.   Cody only told Kyle about it yesterday so there was not much we could do to prepare but operate like normal with waffles and the regular menu.

            Kyle came in around 12:30 and wanted me to remain by the fryers while he worked the grill and Luisana pushed out the orders which started coming in around 1. Then we were busy, busy, busy with all the orders coming in one after another. Because we had three people working the line and Sarah came in at 2 while it was hectic wasn’t particularly crazy as we all had out stations.  We had plenty of schnitzel and the rest of what we needed. The only thing we were out of was the soups except a little bit of potato soup.

            By 2:30 the rush was over and we settled down but for the first time in a long time I think Kyle had a profitable day. I think Cody was impressed how smoothly the kitchen went serving such a huge crowd. Kyle mentioned in passing that the offer he gave to  run the truck car wash on 27^th South was accepted and I suppose Luis and Leonardo Negron will be working there full time if all goes well.  I hope it’s not just another one of Kyle’s pipe dreams.

            I left a little after 3 since the kitchen was covered and I was tired. I stopped at Lucky’s on the way home to buy some groceries as I had little in the house to eat as the last time I shopped I bought mainly items to feed Adrian but those days seem to be over. Driving by the Grove Apartment I saw his KIA in the parking lot and my heart was heavy.

            I cooked some meat to make some Tacos and fed the pups after walking them in the cold dampness as the air was still slightly foggy. I watched some television but both Hulu and Netflix said my monthly payment wasn’t processed probably because I had my debit card changed.

            I haven’t posted on Facebook since Adrian left and I am just trying to get through Christmas with as little heart ache as possible.

            I found the form on line to transfer the deed to the house after I am gone.  The legal Property Description is Lot 38, Northpointe Phase 1, According to the Official Plat Thereof, as recorded in the Office of the Salt Lake County Recorder, APN #: 08-22-335-010.  I am leaving it primarily to Kyle and if Adrian out lives Kyle then to him.

            Christmas Eve is just a week away. I don’t think Luisana and Tutu would use the Mama Mia tickets for next Sunday so I need to find someone to give them too so they don’t go to waste. Today is Jim Dabakis’ 70^th birthday.

18 December 2023 Monday

Kyle had to attend some meetings and a doctor’s appointment until 2 so he asked Millagros to come in today to help me open up. It was super foggy with an inversion this morning and I worried about Adrian driving in the thick fog to work.  By the time I went to pick up Millagros, it had lighted to just a haze.

            We only had one soup this morning to prepare and no prep as we were out of most things until an order came in after I had left for the day when Kyle arrived. We weren’t busy but I was tired and went home and took a nap.

            After taking the pups for their second walk I chopped up some of the veal schnitzel that Kyle had me take as he wasn’t serving it any longer. I doubt whether her could have served these as they were kind of dried out and where extremely tough for me to cut up.

            Anyway, I called Andy Dalrymple to see if he could use the Mama Mia tickets but he said that Becky Moss had already given him and Garth Chamberlain tickets for the Saturday matinee. He said that Becky was running a group called Silver Pride kind of like Deb Hall’s SOAP group for seniors. That was surprising.  Anyway, then I called Roy Zang to see if he and Tony could use them but they are going to visit his grandmother on Christmas Eve so the tickets may go to waste.

            Roy was in a talkative mood and said he loves living at the Buckingham Apartments downtown near the Madeline Cathedral and he shared how, having been diagnosed with skin cancer his perspective on what is important in life has changed.

            I had just got off the phone and was fixing to eat two tacos and some Spanish Rice I made when Kyle called and asked if I would go to the store and buy some tomatoes as they were all out and only he and Maria Hernandez were working. So, I did and went to the Rose Park Smith and the entire parking lot was filled with cars and inside they only had Roma Tomatoes and these huge $2.70 a pound ones. I bought 3 of them which was nearly $8 and they only had one checker working and every self-checkout was packed with lines waiting to use them. Unbelievable.

            Anyway, I rushed down to Bewilder and barely got across 4^th West into the parking lot because 4^th was packed with a line of cars heading toward 4^th South but I managed to push my way through. Fucking holidays.

            Kyle said that they weren’t too busy but I arrived just in time with the tomatoes for an order that came in.  He asked if I’d go buy some egg plants and some flour  to bread some schnitzels tomorrow so I went to the Glendale store and bought their last 5 egg plants before finally making it back home and to bed.       I was cooking some pinto beans in the crockpot that I let simmer for the rest of the night.      

Christmas is a week from today but it will past this year without any help from me.  I’m not in the mood to watch any Christmas movies or go over to see anyone. It’s not that I hate Christmas like old Scrooge, it’s that if Adrian and Kyle are not together, what is the point? Kyle said he filed the divorce papers today and it will take 30 days before they need to be signed to make it official.

            I am doing a transfer of death deed to deed the house to Kyle upon my death and to Adrian if Kyle dies before me. I am considering leaving most if not all my 401K what is left to Adrian and not Kyle because in reality Kyle has already gotten more than his share from it that he said he would pay back but I know never will.

19 December 2023 Tuesday

The Christmas season has always been a time for me just to get through with not much joy and this year is no exception.           I woke up at 5:30  this morning, not sure why. Thought about Adrian a lot and how he would be getting up about this time. I didn’t get up until after 6 however and did my morning routine, breakfast and walking the pups. The fog has lifted and it was not as cold although the inversion is still here.

            It was just Kyle and me this morning as Millagros asked not to come in until the afternoon. I breaded some eggplants for schnitzels and baked two trays of pretzel bites as it was slow. Kyle said that he wanted to give out Christmas bonuses to the gals as well as their regular pay. He wants to give Sarah $50, Milagros and Luisana $150, and Maria Hernadez $200.  He said we have helped Milagros and Luisana so much already but Maria is such a good worker, has a unemployed husband, and a toddler who all live in a shelter for immigrants up in Ogden. She often comes in early and I know taking the Front Runner back to Ogden she gets home late.

            I left at 1:30 to go pick up Millagros but first stopped at Lucky’s to buy two 12 can packs of Coca Cola for the gals to have at work.  When I returned with Millagros, Maria and Kyle had just been hit with a large rush of orders so It was good  we came back on time.

            After that I went home, laid down a bit, later walked the dogs, fed them, and then retired to my own bed again. I know I am a bit depressed but what can you do but do what needs to be done?  I watched a Netflix film called “Leave the World Behind” an apocalyptic movie about a mysterious attack on the America that featured Julia Roberts in a role that was unusual for her. I watched it all but it was rather unsatisfying because of some of the plot was never really explained.

            Hard to believe that it's been 7 years since this Christmas pot luck was held by "Gay Men Aloud" a group for neglected older Gay men that  the late Charles Frost and I started. The group no  longer exists but friendships made from that group have.  Gay Men Aloud was my last hurrah for creating community organizations. 

 Since I came out in 1986 I was either instrumental in starting or a co-founder of Wasatch Affirmation, The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, Salt Lake Affirmation, Unconditional Support, The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah, Beyond Stonewall, The Gay and Lesbian Historical Society, The Utah AIDS Quilt Memorial Project, The Sacred Faeries, The Utah Stonewall Center, The Utah Stonewall Archives,  The Pillar Newspaper, The Utah Stonewall Historical Society for Gay and Lesbian Studies, the Lambda Lore Columns, This Day In Gay Utah History, Gay Men Aloud, and finally The Utah Queer Historical Society, mostly while holding down a full time job as an elementary school teacher.

Last year at this time I was even down at Club Verse painting all the construction Kyle did for the stage, the dressing rooms, and VIP sitting area.  No wonder I am exhausted but satisfied with my life.

20 December 2023 Wednesday

Kyle came upstairs around 9:00 saying that he had a flat tire from a bolt lodged into the side wall which meant the tire had to be replaced. However, he had Maria Hernandez coming down early from Ogden to change out the oil in the fryers and clean them and he could not meet her to let her in so fortunately or not the Ogden Front Runner was late and she arrived about the same time Luisana and I did to set up the kitchen.

I walked the pups quickly before taking off and when in the car I noticed Taco outside looking at me. I thought how the hell did he get out of the house. I was so grateful I spotted him before leaving or he would have been outside all day and perhaps wandered off.

            I helped Maria a little but she is so protective of me that she doesn’t want me doing anything too strenuous even though I know my limitations. She sees me as an old person, which I am I suppose. Kyle took off the tire at the house and took it to Big O where it was under partial warranty and it only costed $100 to replace it. When he finally came in I left to go pick up Millagros and bring her back. In the office I noticed that Kyle had his computer opened and he was downloading all these photos of Adrian. I wonder if he was missing him.

I left to drop off some blankets and sheets at Deseret Industries that I didn’t want anymore. I really went there looking for a wall clock for the bathroom which I found and I bought a waffle iron and a lap Afghan that once home it turned out to be like a poncho but I loved the muted colors. I also went to Smiths in Glendale to buy another bag of Beggin Dog Treats and items to make Rice Krispie Treats that I had a hankering for. I needed some gas as around town it was down to $2.73 most places but some stations were already jumping prices up to $2.89.

            Back at the house I walked the pups again and used my meat grinder to chop of the veal and roast I had for the pups so they are set. I called Mike Romero to let him known about TJ and Jim’s offer for a Christmas dinner but told him I just wasn’t in the mood to pretend to be jolly and wouldn’t be going. Besides Kyle mentioned that the Negrons would be inviting me to their place for Christmas and although I feel obligated to go if asked, without Kyle I would be the only one there speaking English and I would feel so awkward.

            I spent some time trying to find people who could use the Mama Mia Christmas eve matinee tickets, but Andy Dalrymple was going on Saturday, Roy Zang was going to his grandmother’s, and Alan Anderson was going to California.

            Kyle surprised me saying that he thought he and I were going, which was odd because he had told me that Bewilder would be opened until 4 that day and I know he doesn’t like Abba music. He also suggested I take Tutu but I’d rather not just because of the language barrier is difficult to relate to each other.

            Well, I stayed in after making rice Krispie treats and feeding the pups so I retired early.

Tyler Ferguson sent me the forms to change my beneficiaries for my retirement fund so I need to figure that out as well as do the transfer of deed forms for the house. Today is the last day of fall 2023 and it’s been a rough season with the breakup of Adrian and Kyle’s marriage.

21 December 2023 Thursday

First Day of Winter and the Season of Yule. I posted a lot of Yuletide greetings and first day of Winter memes on Facebook because I am so over Christmas. I don’t even want to acknowledge it let alone celebrate it this year.

This morning I used the waffle iron I bought yesterday for the first time and it worked really well. The only problem is that I don’t know where any of my cooking oil and shortening went. I thought I had nearly a full bottle. Oh well, I used a little butter and it was just as good.        I finally looked behind the toaster oven and there was a dead mouse in the trap I set. It looked like a plump one and I was a bit squeamish. Only when I came home from work did I dispose of it and the trap. The poor little thing actually bled some. I didn’t think they were supposed to bleed. I am such a sissy.

            I went and pick up Milagros to go into work with me and was setting up when Adrian called me saying that he was trying to take his test for his driver’s license but need two forms of identification showing my address. He thought there was two letters on the entrance table addressed to him and I rushed home to help him but there wasn’t any as Kyle must have tossed them. Fortunately, Adrian found two in his car.

            I went back to work. I made two sheet trays  of pretzel bites and breaded and fried 40 chicken schnitzels. Milagros was busy with doing sauces and Sauteing onions. Maria came in around 1:30 and I left to retrieve Luisana, and Adrian called. He was so excited with good news that he had passed his driving  tests and received his temporary driver’s License.

It was his day off and he was coming back to the apartment so I went and met him there and congratulated him and hugged him. He was so thrilled to share the news. He also said that perhaps in three weeks he may be made a supervisor at Newrest with more money. So, life is good for him right now. I said don’t forget your old friend Ben and he said never and kissed me on the forehead.

            Luisana and I left for work and there Kyle wanted me to go to the American First Credit Union and deposit $2200 for the gals payroll. He said that he could not be as generous as he had liked and was only giving Milagros, Luisana, and Maria a $50 Christmas bonus and Sarah as she is part time only $20.

            I went to the Pioneer Road branch and this time the place was busy probably because of the upcoming holiday. When I finally was able to reach a teller I sighed a breath of relief that the money was in the account. Sarah gets $168 a week, Maria gets $487 a week and Milagros and Lusiana gets $587. Anyway, I decided to supplement their bonuses so Maria, Lusiana, and Milagros got $100 each and Sarah $40.  I guess it was my little way of giving them a Christmas gift.

            All the running around made me not get home until after 3:30. It made my heart glad to hold Adrian again and know he is moving on with his life. Also, TJ Otaka said he was sick and he and Jim did not go to see Mama Mia. He said that he thinks he will not be well enough to have Christmas so I let Mike Romero know. I wasn’t going anyway. Roy Zang even invited me over for Christmas day but I took a pass and said maybe on New Years. I just want to deal with my grief of Kyle and Adrian’s divorce in my own way but I did say after Christmas is over I will just get over it myself. It was another unseasonably warm day in the 50’s with a little haze but not much.

22 December 2023 Friday

I woke up at 4:30 as I had stomach issues for much of the night with belly pains. I didn’t have diarrhea but did have to use the toilet a lot. I was hoping that my stomach would settle and it did for a bit but I was queasy a lot today.

I took Luisana into work with me this morning and it was just the two of us until Maria came in around 1:30 and Kyle called and said that he would bring Millagros in when he came. This morning he had an appointment to see Dr. Stoneburner who prescribed Kyle some Zoloft for his anxiety and depression.

            Maria brought in some little gifts for us and gave me a coffee cup and some candy with a note thanking me for being so kind to her. I am glad now that I added $50 to what Kyle was giving them as bonuses. They didn’t know I did that.

            Luisana asked me to come have Christmas dinner with the Villalobos y Negrons on Monday and I feel like I should at least make an appearance. Kyle also wants me to take Tutu to Mama Mia on Sunday so there’s that. Luisanna and he will just work that day until 4.

After I left Bewilder I stopped in at Rose Park Smith’s as I needed to by a replacement air filter for the furnace and I wanted to get some milk, vegetable oil and the Nudges griller dog treats that  TJ likes. Upon enter the store I was surprised and delighted to see Adrian as he was to see me. He was doing his shopping for his food for the coming week  so I walked with him throughout the store to be with him. So, my heart was gladden some and sadden some. At home I walked the pups, fixed me a couple of tacos, and fed the pups before calling it a day.

23 December 2023 Saturday

My day off from having to go into Bewilder. It was raining hard enough this Saturday to wake me this morning. Rain instead of snow is okay by me. Skiers can slog up the canyon roads if they want the powder. Later in the morning I notice that there was a dusting of snow on the ground here.

            I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and laid in bed for much of the morning with the pups. Only when the weather cleared up around noon did we even go for a walk. I worked some on trying to get the right forms for a Transfer Upon Death document so I can have it notarized and file it next week. It will help avoid probate when I leave the house to Kyle. I’ve decided that I should leave my 401k money, what is left, to Adrian as over the past 3 years Kyle has received nearly $80,000 or more from it that has never been paid back so he has had more than his share of an inheritance from me.

            In the afternoon I went to Bewilder to have Kyle show me how to use the scanning code Jim Dabakis sent for the tickets for Mama Mia tomorrow as I will be taking Lucianny. The show begins at 1 so I will pick her up at noon.

            I went to Lucky’s to buy some russet potatoes and hamburger meat as I plan on making shepherd pie in baked potatoes for Monday. I wanted something simple and not too Christmasy.

            After walking the pups in the late afternoon, the weather turned quite chilly and after gathering the mail I was surprised that the city sent me a notice of intending to shut off my water for past due payments! Evidently they didn’t take the monthly payments from my checking account that I had automatic withdrawn for decades. Someone there screwed up and hadn’t processed my payments. I never checked because it had always been done automatically. They say I owe $194.87 from a previous balance of $104 and now 90.70.  I checked my bank statements and the last time they took money from my account was November 13 for $103.48  My actual water use is only around $13 but garbage and sewer fees are nearly $55 a month.  Oh well I can’t do anything about it until after the holidays.

            I watched a little bit of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas this evening before falling asleep.

24 December 2023 Sunday Christmas Eve

I paid my water bill on line today after realizing that they probably stopped taking it out of my checking account after I had to replace my debit card. I didn’t have to work today because I took Lucianny Negrón to the Eccles Theater to  see Mama Mia courtesy of Jim Dabakis. Only Kyle and Luisana worked today and then only to around 4. I parked in the Walker Bank parking tower on 2^nd South and Regent Street and we walked up to the Eccles theater. It was quite chilly out and we only wore light sweaters. The play began at 1 but we were there by 12:30 and I took some pictures of Lucianny in front of the Mama Mia large sign after standing in a line with others wanting to do the same.

            I was a little anxious about using the scanning codes on my phone for the first time but it turned out to be simple and easy. We found our seats, 15 and 16 in  Row J, which were aisle seats. It was kind of awkward not being able to converse with Lucianny so we just sat in silence while the auditorium began to fill. It was the last performance of the troop and I was surprised how the theater was filled up on a Christmas Eve.

            Anyway, I am not sure how much Lucianny understood of the plot though I did explain earlier about a young girl trying to determine which one of 3 men was her real dad. However, like Adrian she was an ABBA fan so I am sure she, like me, enjoyed the music and the dancing. I must have been slightly melancholy or maybe just old age sentimentality but I had to keep from tearing up thinking of Adrian and Kyle especially the song the Winner Takes It All.

            Anyway, the show was energetic and over by 3:30 and Kyle wanted us to stop by Bewilder before going home. The brewery was closing also, so no one was really there when we arrived. It was the first time Lucianny saw the kitchen where her sister and mother works. Kyle said they did $500 worth of business which is way more than he expected. I met Luisana’s friend Alejandro who was visiting in the kitchen also. He is in the military and bilingual so he could speak English to me.

            Anyway, we left and I took Lucianny back to the Grove. They were having Christmas Eve dinner at 6 so I went home, walked the pups, and it turned freezing cold out and then fed them. Kyle came home and was downstairs when I left at 6 to go over to Negron’s apartment but when I knocked on the door and rang the bell no one answered. I could see no one through the window so I left a tin of Danish butter cookies and went back home. Kyle asked why I was back so early and after I said no one was there he talked to them and said they were running late and dinner would be at 8. As I was home, I really didn’t want to go out again, but I could tell Kyle really wanted me to be there as he knew he couldn’t be. It was so cold out, 30 degrees and felt like 27. I snuggled in bed with my furry family to stay warm until heading out again. Kyle wasn’t home alone as he was invited to a Venezuela party in Midvale and had left before I went back to the Grove Apartments.

Funny where life takes you. I Never thought I'd be spending a traditional Columbian Christmas Eve in my old age. Although I was invited over by my migrant family for an 8 o'clock dinner, it didn’t begin until  9:30 lol. Until then I sat on a bed next to Adrian who was so affectionate to me that I know he needed me there. He held my hand and stroked my beard several times while he sang and danced to Columbian music videos, none of which were Christmasy but energetic dance and song numbers from South America. I was glad to have come now, if for no other reason than to spend the evening with Adrian. He said he had to work Christmas Day at Newrest at 5 in the morning but after the new year he will be made a supervisor making more money. We visited mostly through the say hi app but his English is really improving. I think he implied that his mother wouldn’t be coming next month.

Millagros fixed a South American potato salad, a type of tamale steamed in banana leaves, and a roasted turkey. I was the only one who didn't speak Spanish at the table but I was there because they wanted to share Christmas Eve with me. I thought how when they journeyed to the United States, they left behind their relatives, friends, and all their possessions. They crossed jungles, rivers, and deserts in hope for a better life here. Now they have a simple apartment with sparse furnishings but have jobs and a future here. They are not gloomy or depressed at all but full of laughter and mirth. I am grateful that I played a small role in their new life.  It made me understand that no Matter how little we have if we have each other we have all that we need.

I left at 10 having spent way more time there then I intended and they gave me pull over sweater as a Christmas gift.  Kyle was still out when I came home and Taco must have really missed me as he was full of kisses.

Christmas Eve has always been more special to me then Christmas Day. I think because my Grandma Williams insisted that all the aunts and uncles and grandkids come to her house on Christmas eve and that is when we opened a lot of our presents from each other.  There were plenty of pies, homemade candy, and Grandpa's West Texas Chili.  The men were all in one room playing dominoes and the women in the kitchen laughing. I was always in the kitchen listening to the women's stories.

My favorite Christmas memory is from 1962 when my Johnson Grandparents came out from Texas to visit. As tradition dictated on Christmas Eve we went to my dad's folks for Texas Chili and to open presents. My grandma Johnson was happy watching everyone unwrapping a present and then I noticed my Grandma Williams slip away...when she came back another gift was under the tree addressed to my Grandma Johnson...she was so surprised... It was some knickknack that Grandma Williams took from a shelf and wrapped it so my other grandma would have a gift to open... I doubt whether anyone else noticed what my grandma Williams did but I saw it and will always remember it... It made me realize I came from good people even when I was only 11.

Today is my maiden Aunt Minnie's birthday born in 1929. Maiden Aunt is an old fashion word for not married. Better than Spinster for sure. I used to always feel sorry for Aunt Minnie for her birthday being so close to Christmas like she was cheated out of her special day but as I grew older I realized how lucky she was to have all her kinfolk gathered together on that day.

I like to think that no matter how sometimes our Christmases aren't always like we planned, we have each other, and our memories that last longer than anything found under the Christmas tree. There was a Christmas full moon tonight

25 December 2023 Monday Christmas

I heard the garage door open at 4:30 this morning so Kyle must have spent the night wherever he was. He should have been with Adrian but it’s his life not mine. I know he’s been looking rather ragged lately. I imagine depressed spending Christmas without Adrian. I gave the pups some polish sausages for Christmas morning. That’s as good as it’s going to get. All evidence of Christmas except for two poinsettia are gone. I baked some potatoes to stuff with a shepherd pie concoction and put on ABBA on Pandora. Kyle came up around noon to visit but mostly I think to find out how Adrian was doing. I told him I thought he was moving on with his life but since everything was in Spanish I wasn’t quite sure.

            Anyway, I guess the party he went to was okay but I think he mostly went as not to be alone but after visiting he said he was taking off for a long drive to clear his head. I am done second guessing what is going on in it. Actually, he was gone less than a half an hour I guess because he realized he had no place to go to get away from himself.  I spent some of the afternoon cleaning the spare bedroom by moving the bunkbed around and rehanging my wall tapestry that I had on the south wall for years and years that the girls had taken down.

            I called TJ and Jim to see how they were and TJ was feeling better but still congested but they did fix their turkey dinner for the two of them. I made a simple Christmas dinner of a shepherd pie in a twice baked potato.  I had a nice surprise Christmas visit from Richard Harmston and Charles Bigo while Kyle and I had just sat down to eat. They are in town from San Diego. I left my plate and had them come in to sit and I know I talked their ear off but was so happy to see them again. We old cisgender Gay men are so much fun.

            After they left, Kyle and I had a slice of pumpkin pie left over from Thanksgiving that I had kept in the freezer and then fed the pups their supper.  Kyle went back downstairs and said we got through Christmas and I didn’t say a thing because in reality Kyle inability to be faithful to Adrian is what caused this very melancholy Christmas.

A year ago, I visited Bill Poore in a care facility so he wouldn’t be alone on Christmas Day and brought him a plate of food and some desserts. My father died the day after Christmas 20 years ago. Seems so strange that it could be 20 years now without hearing my father’s voice.  At a certain age Christmas is more about memories than a celebration...so while you can... hug those you love today and give people a call.

26 December 2023 Tuesday

My father died 20 years ago today. It seemed so surreal that I often get the year of his death mixed up with 2004 as that his funeral was at the start of that year and on the 1^st anniversary of his death the Indonesia Earthquake and Tidal Wave killed tens of thousands.  I was so out of it this morning that I forgot to put coffee grounds in the coffee maker so I only had hot water so I just had hot chocolate this morning and cooked hot oatmeal. I prefer my mocha coffee for sure.

            Kyle left earlier than me to go to Orem to meet with someone about running a donut shop down there. Have no idea about it, but he thinks he can manage it as well as the Bewilder Kitchen and his proposed truck wash.  I picked up Millagros to take with me and I could tell she was not feeling well. When Kyle came in around noon he had me take her back to her apartment because she had a sick stomach. We first stopped at Rose Park Smith and I bought her some Pepto Bismo, Alka seltzer plus, and some ginger ale.

I swear people are getting worse about driving. As I was backing out of my stall a person in a SUV across from me didn’t even looked and slightly bumped me. I said for her to pull back in and then I left, not bothering to deal with it as I could tell there was probably no damage and there wasn’t. People are so distracted these days.

Today was Luisana’s day off so it was going to be just Kyle, Maria, and me at work but it was super slow the day after Christmas. Kyle wanted to tell me about his Orem donut encounter and I listened but not really interested in his newest scheme. He had a husband he could have been sharing it with but all he has now is just me.

Mike Romero called while I was at work and said he went over to the Giles for Christmas and had a nice time visiting. He said the good news is that Gay Elder’s cancer seems to be in remission although Randy’s hips are going out on him. I imagine Kimberley is holding it all together for that family although the girls are working. He asked how I was doing and I said I gave myself until Christmas to grieve about Adrian leaving but said I was now just going to move forward into whatever the new year will bring.  He wants me to come stay with Cocoa on January 4^th when he has to go down to have his catheter  changed out. He said he was a little worried about blood in his urine but his blood sugars are back down to 130 which he was happy about. He also said he loves the movie star pictures I gave him and calls it the wall of Divas. I am glad they found a good home. Someday they probably will be trash.

I went home and rested some, walked the pups again and fed them when Kyle called and asked me to come back to work to show them how I chopped up the red cabbage. I thought that was funny as what was there to chopping up cabbage but I guess he wanted me to show Maria.  So, I went back in and stayed for a bit. Kyle wanted to make his cooked sweet and sour spiced red cabbage but was out of white sugar so I went to the Glendale Smith’s for the second time. Early in the morning we were out of dill and parsley so I went to get some and I bought Milagros an Apple Pie that the store had on sale for $2.99. The second time I bought the sugar and Maria a cherry pie as well as I had given her a package of the Biscoff cookies.

Last Friday Maria missed the train back to Ogden and spent the night out in the cold and we told her never ever do that again and to call either me or Kyle. She could stay at my place or Kyle would have driven her home.  That really bothered us that she felt like she couldn’t have had us help her.

After shopping for Kyle, I came back home and watched a little television before falling asleep.  I had thought earlier that I would go to the Gay Men’s Support Group tonight and I had plenty of time to have gone but my mind wasn’t into it after coming home. I think what Bill Blevins is doing is wonderful but my interest in the being part of the group is waning. I don’t think I have much to offer any more than an old man’s nostalgia. Inside this wrinkle old man  today still beats the heart of a young  Gay hippie. Unlock my soul and you will find an ageless Gay hippie, with a heart full of disco, and the hope of love and peace in this old world

27 December 2023 Wednesday

Another unseasonably warm day as it was in the mid 40’s and no snow yet. My utilities have been extremely high lately for some reason. My water and trash bill has been near $100 and my gas bill was another $100. However, my escrow account sent me a refund check for around $350 for over payment. I went and picked up Luisana, who like Milagro yesterday had an upset stomach. They think it might have been something they ate for Christmas. Luisana felt well enough to stay but I helped her a lot and had her rest some. Between 11 and noon we were kind of busy with orders but it died off after that. A shipment of supplies came in so we had to put them away and I baked some more pretzel bites. We were all out of Original brats but Kyle just had us serve Jalapeno, chicken and gallic, and Italian.

            Kyle came in around noon but left again to go have a meeting about taking over the truck wash down on 27^th South and I left after Maria Hernandez came in to go retrieve Milagros who said she was feeling better. After leaving Bewilder I went to the First American Credit Union on 5^th East and 5^th South and deposited the escrow refund check and had my transfer of deed upon death notarized. Mike Romero has to record his as well so I asked if he wanted to go with me tomorrow. I am leaving the house to Kyle and if he pisses it away it won’t matter to me as I will be dead.

            I came come, walked, and fed the pups, and stayed in after all that. I wanted to take a nap but Lulubelle wet the bed again so I had to strip it, do laundry, and remake my bed. I am really going to have to keep them out of the room while I am away. I am too old to keep up with her shenanigans. I fell asleep around 8 but heard the garage open around 10 but slept again until 1 in the morning when I woke a bit but was able to go back to sleep..

Tom Smothers  of the Smother Brothers passed away, it was announced. I think only my generation probably even remember their comedy show and it being canceled by CBS for being too controversial....RIP

28 December 2023 Thursday

Another heartbreak day when I received this message from Adrian, “Ben Williams from today I don't want to be your friend anymore. I don't want to have people in my life who are in the same circle as Kyle. I'm going to delete you from my contacts, I don't want people who only support him.” I was stunned as I had written to him earlier that I hoped he was well and I was thinking of him. I wrote back to him that I understood and that I wanted him to know that I would always be his friend.  But deep inside I was broken by Adrian’s need to cut all contacts with Kyle including me.

            I had earlier picked up Milagros to go to Bewilder and she said she was feeling better and we set up the kitchen. Kyle came in after having a meeting with the Logan kid who wants Kyle to take over the Bubba Truck Wash. I had the blow to the heart just a short time before Kyle came but I didn’t say a thing to him when he asked if I heard from Adrian as they were quarreling. Kyle blocked him again and perhaps that was what set Adrian off to disassociate himself from me. The Negron family is so intwined with Kyle’s businesses now I don’t know how Adrian cannot be in contact with people within Kyles circle.

            Kyle said that funds hadn’t been deposited to pay the gals this week and because of the holidays it might not be until Tuesday next week. I didn’t offer to help out this time as I didn’t feel up to bailing him out again. I went and brought Luisana back to Bewilder and then went home to meet Mike Romero to go to the County Recorder’s office to file our deeds of transfer upon death. Mike drove because he had Coco in his truck because she was having trouble walking this morning.

            Mike needed to go with me because he hadn’t a clue where the Recorder’s office was or what to do once there. Fortunate for us, no one but we were there filing anything and the gal at the window was extremely helpful. She looked over our documents and we each paid $42 recording fees. Once through, I had Mike go to Bewilder and I took him inside to show him where I have been working since September. Kyle took him on a little tour of the place and afterwards Mike took me home where I remained for the rest of the day.

            I took the pups on their second walk, with the day being sunny and warm for the end of December. Back at the house I went into the spare bedroom and stripped the sheets off the bed Adrian and I last slept in and put them in the wash. It was kind of a sad closure as I had to face the reality that Adrian would not be coming home anymore. My dilemma now is to decide to still make Adrian my sole beneficiary for my 401K retirement account since he doesn’t want anything more to do with me.  I still want him to have the money but who knows if he will be around to access it when I am gone? I am at a loss.

29 December 2023 Friday

I brought Luisana to work this morning but I could tell she did not feel well as she was coughing and looking kind of out of it. When Milagros came in around 3 I had just finished making chicken schnitzel so I took her home. I first stopped at Rose Park Smith and bought her some Nyquil and other cold medicine.

            Before all that Kyle had me go to the credit union as his funds came in after all and not next Tuesday. I was worried and was prepared to at least pay Maria and Sarah.  He said he had enough to pay his restitution but only had me deposit $1500 to cover payroll which was always close to $1900 just for the gals; $1200 for Milagros and Luisana, $500 for Maria, and about $175 for Sarah. So, I had to subsidize the girls about $400 from my own money but at least it wasn’t for all of them like it was a couple of times.  I am basically working for free. I am also paying to keep others paid.

            Luisana said that Adrian is working on his days off, so I suppose it’s his way not to be at the apartment and to deal with all that he’s going through. Some people only come into your life for a season but are imprinted on your heart for a life time.  That will be Adrian. Well, this year is quickly coming to a close.  I am still relatively heathy and can still care for my four pups. I wonder for how long?

30 December 2023 Saturday

Gloomy day with our winter inversion. I didn’t hear from Kyle how the day went at Bewilder although he left this message after I went to bed saying Luchita still isn't feeling very well at all. It will be just you and me tomorrow at the restaurant. We close early at 5pm for the new year and we're also closed on Monday.

I spent much of the day rereading and editing the month of March 2020 so I could print it off of my computer. It was the beginning of what became the Corona Virus epidemic, an earthquake in Salt Lake City, and the month my sister Chaline died.

I only walked the pups once around noon and then went to Lucky’s and Smiths to get some groceries and treats for New Years Eve and the day. It seems strange only shopping for me and not buying for Adrian, the others, and even Kyle. I bought items to make some clam chowder for tomorrow, and found some peanut brittle which hadn’t been out during Christmas

            I paid $100 on the Ashley account. I still owe over $1000 on furniture that I had bought for the use of Adrian’s family. Oh well. Nothing is forever, not even the moon and stars.

I needed to use up left overs from Christmas so made a shepherd pie because it has veggies, potatoes, and hamburger in  brown gravy. I don’t really feel like eating but a one dish supper is better than nothing. 

While I was watching some television I heard a commotion in the kitchen. I set a mouse trap in the kitchen and I heard it go snap and now I have a dead mouse on my counter and I am too squeamish to deal with it. I feel so guilty. If I was a Hindu I would be in real trouble. I will deal with it tomorrow. I am such a big old sissy.

I hope people are staying warm and with friends or family as 2023 comes to a close. Last year I had Covid19 at this time, so I am grateful that I am well this year.

31 December 2023 Sunday New Year’s Eve

Interesting way to end the year with the 12th month, 31st day, and year 2023 being  123123. I’ve been waking up between 5 and 5:30 in the morning lately. I feel fine and I have been going to sleep by 10 at night, so I guess I am getting enough sleep.  I have been fixing waffles for breakfast nearly even morning this past week since I bought the waffle iron from Deseret Industries.

It was a gloomy inversion morning with lots of frost on the ground when I walked the pups this morning. Since Luisana was not coming in to work today it was just Kyle and me from 10 to 5 when we closed early.  It was a very slow day with very few orders so I cleaned and kept up with what dishes and pots had to be washed. Kyle made some champagne jello shots that he was taking to a party with the people he spent Christmas Eve. I knew I would be spending the evening alone with just the pups but I really don’t mind being alone this year.

            After coming home, I made some clam chowder and fed the pups. It was too late for a second walk. When Kyle came home he had some of the Shepard pie I made the other day and then disappeared downstairs until around 8 when he came up to give me a jello shot. I am not crazy about champagne but had a little as it was his way of saying Happy New Years to me.  I was already in bed with the four pups.

We didn’t stay up until midnight but at least we were all snuggled in for this last night of 2023. Just glad to be safe and warm this year and not sick with Covid.  I knew the New Year began from all the firework explosions going on in the neighborhood. I was a sleep and was barely aware of the noise. I heard Kyle come home but had no idea what time as I was too sleepy to look at the clock.

Well, we made another revolution around the sun. It took us 365 and a quarter days but we did it. Great team work. Every beginning has an ending... goodbye 2023 hello 2024. 2023 will always be the Year of Adrian Villalobos and his Columbian family.  I miss him so much but at my age every day brings a new loss. It is what it is.

This year the Republican controlled house passed the least amount of bills in a decade and Trump is the Republican candidate to beat on primaries. I can’t worry about what the New Year will bring as there is little I can do anymore to make a difference.