JULY
1 July 2007 Sunday
Life goes on with you or without
you. Affirmation-Salt Lake held a Potluck and Barbecue, by Brian Benington and
Duane Jennings with a short patriotic program. The address is:
The Utah AIDS
Foundation’s Village program held a “BARB-B-QUEER 100% BEEFCAKE” at Fairmont
Park. “LUBE WRESTLING - VOLLEYBALL- PRIZES and LOTS, LOTS of HOT GUYS Spread
the word invite your friends and lets the get the MEN OUT to PLAY!!
I
am in mourning to even consider going to either.
2 July 2007 Monday
I left the house at 8:30 this morning to drive up to Logan to meet
Courtney Moser. Michael Aaron called last night and said he couldn't make it
after all so I went by myself. I met up about 10:00 with Courtney and he drove
his big Buick to Preston Idaho where we then picked up Tim Keller.
We reached
Thatcher about 11:30 and I was so glad I didn't go alone because I never would
have found the Ward house out on this country road.
Kevin Hillman
was on the program as a speaker and Mark Thrash was one of the pall bearers.
Kevin wearing a wool suit, white shirt and tie looked like he'd fit right in
with the rest of the priesthood holders. You can imagine that Mark stood out
magnificent as a black pearl.
Logan was
represented by Courtney, Tim Keller, and Judd and perhaps some others I did not
get to meet. Several of Chad's co-workers from Comcast attended as well.
The viewing was
closed casket and I went through the condolence line and
The service was
very subdued and of course tip toed around
The Thatcher
Ward House was a 1950 style Mormon building no air conditioning but I'd say at
least two hundred people attended; of course mostly uncles, cousins, relatives,
and friends of the family.
There was a
display table out with pictures of Chad through childhood and teenage years and
some UGRA things. He had a written an essay in high school which on the cover
said The Life of Chad Keller. I saw that he only received a B+. That must have
pissed him off royally. Only a B+ on your life!
Anyway I only
read a bit but I guess when he was about 4 he and this little girl both wanted
to play with this toy shopping cart so Chad pushed her down, ran over her with
the cart and went on his merry way.
Courtney, Tim,
and I agreed that seeing Thatcher made us realize how difficult Chad’s eccentricity
made his growing up in this little rural Mormon village. Even the Bishop
commented that people were mean to
We stayed for
the dedication of Chad's grave by his brother. Both Courtney and I almost
giggled during the solemn occasion because Chad's casket enclosure was spray
painted a glitzy gold. It looked fabulous! Like a
He was interred
next to a lovely pine tree on the perimeter of the small rural cemetery. It's
on a ridge that over looks the valley. We chose not to stay for the funeral
dinner thinking that it was really for the family. Besides, I could not face
the funeral potatoes nor array of Jell-O salads that the Grace 2nd Ward Relief
Society surely made for the occasion.
Instead we
drove through
Courtney wanted
to show me the historic Mormon Tabernacle in Paris Idaho so we stopped to be
tourist. It was a great piece of stone architecture. And the Mormon gal who
showed us around was so proud of it. The huge organ was draped with red, white,
and blue bunting for the up coming 4th of July concert.
It was a long day and I didn't get home until
after 7:30 this evening and when I turned my cell phone on Kimberlee had called
from Montana to say the sale of the house did go through after all and asked if
we would move the stuff they left behind into our garage until they could come
back down in a week or so. So that's what I will be doing tomorrow moving more
of their stuff.
I've got to do
it early because its been over 100 degrees here in Salt Lake with rolling brown
outs.
Well I guess we
will have to muddle through now in Salt Lake without Chad Keller to goad us,
scold us, and tell us we could be even more fabulous if we try. Love him or
hate him...
Courtney Moser later
wrote me: “Ben, Thank you so much for going today. I enjoyed your company
greatly. I'm sorry it took all day but I'm eager to show people Idaho. Love, Courtney.”
3 July 2007 Tuesday
As promised, I went over to the
Giles garage and moved everything they had left behind that I could lift by
myself, back to my side yard driveway That
took two hours and I was exhausted as the heat began to intensify. Now I need
to find a place to put it all.
Joe Redburn
wrote to me: Thank you for the pictures and your impressions of Chad’s funeral Monday.
I could not get there by 11 a.m. but thought about him all day as I am right
now.
4 July 2007
Wednesday
I
buried a friend on Monday and today I wasn't so sure that they wouldn't have to
bury me too.
As
Mike Romero and I were backing out of the garage to take the dogs for a little
ride, the aluminum garage door came crashing down inches from the vehicle. The
spring broke and the garage door came down like a guillotine.
However I was
more pissed then shook up because that's another fucking thing to fix and the
garage door jammed so my own truck was sealed off in the garage. Oil your
springs boys! Well enjoy life while you have it.
I invited Ben
Anderson over for a 4th of July dinner of BBQ pulled pork sandwiches, corn on
the cob, Cole slaw, potato salad, chips, watermelon, and key lime pie. See
there's advantages for having an old bear as a companion.
We then all
went to this eclectic import store called “Exotica” over on Highland, owned by
these two Gay guys, and had fun just browsing. Ben bought a bronze pineapple lamp;
I bought a walking stick with the carved head of stag and Mike Romero bought
one with the head of a wolf. We also bought two small Egyptian jackal figurines
and I bought a scarab for good fortune.
Ben said he’s
been using the web camera to talk to this guy in Italy who is a chubby chaser.
He’s twitterpated.
Miss Priscilla
just becomes a bundle of nerves during the 4th because of all the fireworks. The
popping sounds just send her into a frenzy so we went to the movie room put on
Independence Day and just stayed home for the rest of the 4th.
5 July 2007
Wednesday
Today this cute bear cub repair
man named James came out and fixed the garage door so everything is back to
normal, kind of, except that its hotter then hell and dry as a bone. We haven't
had a drop of rain since June 7 so everything is getting that wilted look.
I picked up a
copy of the Salt Lake City Weekly yesterday and an article on Babs De Lay
quoted me and called me the unofficial historian of Gay History in Utah. That
was an ego boost.
Kevin Hillman
told me last Monday that he found Chad lying in bed propped up on his pillow,
the TV going with the remote in one hand, and an empty bottle of
anti-depressants in the other. I can just see Chad channel surfing while
munching on anti-depressants! His last thoughts were probably that there's
nothing but shit on television! I just loved that guy and surely do miss him.
The
Old Stonewall Coffee at the Pride Center has been rebranded as “Café
Marmalade” with a “new look, new hours,
and a new vibe!”
“Café Marmalade
will be open from 7am to midnight and will be offering a full range of menu
options from delicious espresso concoctions to a gourmet lunch menu and
tantalizing pastries. Come in early for your morning pick- me- up, have your
business lunch here, and then drop back in the evening to chill with friends.
Weekends will be
jumping with live music on Saturday nights, BBQ’s on the patio and more.
Café Marmalade
in the Utah Pride Center also offers four computers with free internet access,
as well as wi-fi, resources about the GLBT community and the biggest GLBT
library in the state. Let your curiosity lead you here, your good taste is sure
to keep you coming back.”
6 July 2007-7 July 2007
No entries
8 July 2007 Sunday
It was another tough day...hot and smokey and then about 11:00 as we
were backing out of the garage the rollers came off their tracks and the garage
door is jammed again. The more Mike Romero worked on it the worse it became and
I said just leave it and I'll call the company that did the spring to come out
and fix it. Both vehicles are out of the garage, thank goodness.
At 1 this
afternoon I went to the Memorial for Chad Keller that Kevin Hillman put on and then
at 4, I went to the Trapp for the wake
Joe Redburn did.
The Giles said
they weren't coming back down to get the remainder of their stuff so I will
have to deal with that to at some point. I am really tired. So maybe I will
write more later.
When I went out
to water my lawn this morning a stinky gas smelling haze had settled in the
valley. Then I read the paper and I guess a major fire storm closed 95 miles of
interstate on I 70 and I 15 down by Fillmore. People were lucky to escape alive
with some truckers just abandoning their vehicles. Glad I wasn't headed to
Vegas this weekend.
“Memorial
Service for Chad Keller , A Gay Man Extraordinaire(1969-2007)
When: Sunday July 8th 2007 at
1:00 p.m.
Where: Zion Summit Social Room
241 North Vine Street (50 West), Salt Lake UT (Capitol Hill/ Marmalade
Districts)
Memorial Wake and Remembrance When: Sunday July 8th 2007 4:00 p.m. Where:
The Trapp 102 South 600 West SALT LAKE, UT For information on either of these
event call Kevin Hillman at 801 860-5403
9 July 2007 Monday
A survey on “My First's”
1. Who was your
first prom date? Never went to a high school prom although I drew and painted
the decorations for Senior Homecoming Dance in 1968
2. Who was your
first roommate? Rick Adams from Lancaster, CA, and Jim Dalton just recently out
of the Navy. It was 1971 and I was living at the dorms at Cal-State Fullerton.
I came out of the closet and Rick hated me but Jim and I had a brief affair.
Love them navy boys.
3. What was your
first alcoholic drink? Probably beer…folks and neighbors where fishing and I
pulled a can out of the ice cooler thinking it was Soda Pop and it was frozen
beer. I was probably in 3rd grade and can’t stand beer pf any kind to this day.
4. What was your
first job? Chopping cotton in
5. What was your
first car? 1963 Ford Galaxy
6. Who was the
first person you texted today? I don't text
7. Who is the
first person you thought of this morning? Michael Romero
8. Who was your
first grade teacher? Mrs. Orchard of Bryant Elementary,
9. Where did you
go on your first ride on an airplane? 1968 from
10. When you
snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? The boy next door
use to throw pebbles at my window so I’d climb out and we would play nasty.
Started when I was 13 and lasted until I was about 16 years old. He was my
sister’s boyfriend. He later got a girl pregnant, married had 5 kids, became a
millionaire in
11. Who was your
first best friend and are you still friends with them? Jerry Smith. We were
born on the same day and went through grade school through college together. He
married moved to
12. Where was
your first sleep over? My cousin’s Larry when I was in 3rd grade. I remember my
Aunt Bonnie washing my feet before getting into bed. It felt wonderful like I
was really loved.
13. Who was the
first person you talked to this morning? James the cute bear cub garage repair
man.
14. Whose
wedding were you in the first time? Ralph Ludders, September 1970 in
15. What is the
first thing you do in the morning? Pee
16. What was the
first concert you ever went to? Jose Feliciano and The Edwin Hawkins Singers at
the Greek Theater in
17. First tattoo
or piercing? I got my ear pierced when I was about 38 and then let it heal
over.
18. First
foreign country you went to?
19. First crush?
My 7th grade gym teacher, my sister’s boyfriend’s navy buddy Rick Adams from
Ft. Smith
20. When was
your first detention? I was a Perfect Child
21. What was the
first state you lived in? I was born in
22. Who was the
first person to break your heart? John Francis Cunningham and he’s still
breaking it some 38 years later.
Today 37 years
ago in 1970 I told someone I loved them for the first time.
A group calling
themselves Soulforce are having events to protest at Evergreen International this
week called “Surviving the Ex-Gay Movement” Timed to coincide with Exodus
International 's annual "Freedom Conference. Thanks, Duane Jennings, and
Brian Benington Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian
Mormons (801) 486-6977
10 July 2007-11July
2007
No entries
12 July 2007
Thursday
I read some articles on Randy
Kraft, the serial killer who may have killed up to 100 mostly Gay men. He grew
up about 3 miles from me in Orange County and reading his own biographical
stories of growing up in Orange County, it kind of creeped me out.
He is about 6
years older than me and lived on Beach Blvd. while I grew up on Dale Street
about 1/2 mile to the east.
I think I met
him once in 1971 at Bob Wimberley's party in Long Beach when I was 20 years old,
but didn't really know him, in fact didn't remember him much at all until about
14 years later when he went on trial for murder and then remember the
connection.
His trial cost
$10 million dollars, one of the most expensive in the county's history. I just
remember he was so much older than me and really kind of too macho and I also thought
he was too Gay.
I was very naive
at the time, sexually and worldly. In fact I had a hard time being around Bob's
friends because they were all very sexual and on drugs while I was still in
love with John Cunningham and wasn't interested in being a party boy.
Reading how he
sadistically tortured and murdered all those young men made me think how people
can be raised in the same environment and turn out so differently. We were both
raised in west Orange County in the early 1950's, both youngest child and only
son, both Gay. He became a serial killer and I became a serial writer.
He once murdered
a young man near Rawlings Wyoming and I live was with a man from Rawlins. He
was raised as a Republican and I was raised as a Democrat. May be that is the
difference.
13 July 2007 Friday
It’s Friday the 13th and our new neighbors have
started moving in. Hope its does not portend anything. It’s still another hot
100 degree day with smoke still in the air. I suppose nearly 600 square miles
have burned here in Utah. It’s Too hot to work in the yard and it’s too hot to
go anywhere.
I enjoy the
faerie clothes I bought at Dancing Crane. Actually they are imported from
I had Ben
Anderson over for supper and we watched “When Worlds Collide” and “The Poseidon
Adventure,” the Shelly Winter version. It was great making fun of these old
classics.
14 July 2007
Saturday
No entry
15 July 2007
Sunday
My right hand is sore and swollen
from where a hornet stung me while doing yard work. It itches and burns. I
can't get in to see my doctor until the 31st so hopefully the swelling will be
gone by then. Last year I was attacked by a hornet swarm and was stung over 45
times!
16 July 2007 Monday
I shouldn't write post when I'm upset. Ben just called me from the VA
hospital crying because they want to keep him there and maybe do a heart
transplant. He doesn't think he will make it out. I called his son for him
because he couldn't get a hold of him and Jared's on his way up there to talk
with the doctors.
He sounded so
weak on the phone and he said they put him immediately on oxygen because he's
levels were critical. We talked and I tried to be positive with him saying he's
still looking forward to swimming with the dolphins at the Mirage in Vegas when
his Italian boyfriend Mattias comes over in August.
After Chad died
I told Ben he better not die because I can't take much more. I am too upset to
write anymore. Medicine is so much better today so may be it will be okay.
17 July 2007
Tuesday
The weather had cooled off today
with a lightning storm blowing through. Finally had our garage door replaced
and it is so much better.
I baked a lemon
meringue pie. I always bake when I am upset. Keeps me busy and my mind off
things.
The Pride Center
sent out an ad, “Are you GLBT and 45 - 50+ ? Please join us the Utah Pride
Center 361 N. 300 W. in Salt Lake City Tuesday July 17th at noon We will be
meeting to discuss the needs and direction the programming for the older GLBT
community should take at the Center. Your attendance at this gathering will
help us serve you better!
I
didn’t go. I want little to do with the Pride Center
18 July 2007 Wednesday
Ben Anderson is going into surgery today to see if his heart can handle
a stint put in one of his veins. The doctors told him that it’s all they can do
for him. If they open him up and cannot find a good vein then they will just
abort the procedure.
He also talked
to Mattia Lumaca from Italy who said that he didn't care about cancelling the
trip to Las Vegas. He still wants to come over and see Ben Anderson and take
care of him.
Ben Anderson's
son called me about 3:00 in the afternoon and said his father's surgery went well and they
were able to but in two stints. However because of a blood thinner tube in his
leg he has to lay flat on his back for a while.
I spoke to him
later in the evening and he sounded so much better, even better than before he
had the surgery. I told him that I'd come over and spend the night when he's
released so he won't be alone.
I must have
been really worried about Ben because I went out and bought a KitchenAid Power
Plus Mixer that can make 9 dozen chocolate chip cookies, or 6 pounds of mashed
potatoes, or 3 and 1/2 bread dough.
See what
happens when a child is deprived of an easy bake oven! I wish I would have had
a Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven as a boy rather than all those damn Tonka Toy
dump trucks. What did Dad think I was going to grow up to be? A garbage man.
I also tore up the carpet by the garage entry
and put down linoleum tile to keep busy.
Finished
writing my article for the Q last night late. It's on the Payne Papers from
1977. I have been writing a series I call “Utah's Thirty Year Homosexual Wars. “
People have
been sending positive energy my way and I thank them for it. A kid named Steve
Matthews wrote me saying, “Hi, I was friends with Chad since we went to grade
school together in Idaho, I had seen him earlier this year, but had no idea
that he died till I saw an article in the Pillar... will you give me a call or
we can meet for coffee? Steve Mathews, 918-5552.”
I said I would
19 July 2007 Thursday
Paul "My quiver is bigger than
yours" Mero is another sad example of how pandering to the radical right
gets you 15 minutes of fame and a paycheck. I've read and heard enough of him
to last a life time.
For you that are
unfamiliar with pathetic Paul Mero here's his philosophy in a nut shell: “Secularism
evil theocracy good. My children come first and the hell with yours. I've got
mine, so sod off.
I doubt whether any one opposing vouchers for
private schools are saying that private schools are inferior to public schools.
On the contrary, smaller classes, mandatory parental involvement, and a strict
work ethic found in most private schools are wonderful. However all these same
things could be found in public schools with more accountability on the part of
both student and parents.
What I
personally object to is taking my tax money to subsidize private schools.
Parents have the choice to send their kids to private schools as it is now.
There are scholarships, grants, and sliding scales for many of these
institutions. If a parent feels that the public schools are in adequate then it’s
up to them to find ways of financing their child's education...not me.
Home schooling
is also an option in this state who still feel that Evolution is only a
"theory".
As a home owner
I pay a lot of money to educate the children in Salt Lake City in the PUBLIC
school system. The public school systems of Utah on the whole are some of the
best educational institutions in the world. However the public schools were not
created solely to make sure your child gets into Harvard.
They were created to give all American
children a basic education to be productive and good citizens so they could
intelligently participate in the great American Experiment of Democracy! In
that endeavor one size does fit all!
Public schooling
has always been the great leveler in society but I fear too many are seeking a
Prep school system like that which serves the U.K.'s aristocrats and gentry
classes.
Private schools
are wonderful. So is owning a Mercedes. If you want something bad enough you
will find a way of getting it. Hopefully not out of my pocket.
The CEO's of the
Oil Companies already have a permanent hand in one of my pockets. Please stay
out of the other. "this ain't your parents public school system...they're
PC indoctrination factories that offer extracurricular activities..."
Keeping on
repeating a lie does not eventually make it the truth. Your obsession with PC
and diversity, which coming from you sounds like swear words, betrays your true
animosity towards the public schools. You don't give a rats arse that
"34%" can't read at an 8th grade level (if that's even a true
statement).
Because it is
public school there is no magic pill to make students do homework, read at
home, or for that matter even have parents have books at home. reading is a
very complex task to teach and learn. For some it comes naturally, for others
it's difficult for a variety of reasons, including dyslexia, ADD and something
as simple as white paper glare.
Unfortunately not every child get's an eye
examination and many children (and adults) who are illiterate fake it or learn
to cope fearful of ridicule. Skills are taught at school but unless parents are
willing to read and have read to them, their child will not develop strong
reading skills.
You cannot blame
teachers for what parents should be doing themselves even if it’s difficult and
time consuming to listen to you child sound out words as they read. How about
coming to a local school and volunteering to have a child read to you. May be
you will also get to listen in on all the indoctrination that teachers are
doing instead of math, reading, language arts, spelling, science, Art, P.E.,
and social studies.
Fortunately for
you DS7 Social Studies where all that awful diversity and PC is located is
rarely taught due to lack of time. Most classes say the indoctrinating pledge
to the Flag, slap up a picture of the president, and a copy of the Bill of
Rights and call it good. And don't worry school is not even in session on
Martin Luther King Jr. Day. And in high school isn't that what Seminary is for
to counter all the PC Indoctrination?
Most Social
Studies teachers are coaches more interested in team work then Socialism. As
long as any one church claims to have the keys to heaven, domination, misery,
and abuse of power will follow. My understanding is that faith is the key to
heaven and everything else is man's interpretation.
Enlightenment
comes from within if the Kingdom of God is within you. Right or wrong I'll
follow my own path and not someone else's. May be our paths will join may be
they will separate but it's the journey that is fascinating not the
destination. Happy Traveling and Keep On Trucking.
20 July 2007 Friday
Of course Rep. Cannon and Rep. Bishop
want to cut funding to NPR because they believe you can fool folks north and
south of Salt Lake County not some of the time but all of the time.
I also grew up
at a time where the corner liquor stores were then the convenient stores. I
could walk in buy my comic books, Suzy Q, and a RC cola and somehow not be
corrupted by the sight of beer, wine, and hard liquor. I managed to grow up not
obsessed with booze.
I have bottles in my liquor cabinet that are
gathering dust except when I occasionally make Rum Balls. Here in Utah I feel
like I'm an alcoholic because when I go into a liquor store, I can only
purchase booze and then I stock up on sales. I'll buy a case of wine because I
can't just stop at the grocery store and buy one bottle for dinner because some
Mormon kid will be corrupted if they see a bottle of White Zinfandel although
it's perfectly fine to see cases and cases of cheap beer and malt liquor on sale
in the same store.
But hey this is
the same state that had to be sued to even hang a Coor's neon sign in a bar
window! How many of you remember having to bring your own liquor bottles into
taverns because they were only allowed to serve Beer? Or getting more than a
single shot of alcohol due to the mini-bottles being more than an ounce?
Have you noticed
that in Salt Lake there can be only one bar on a city block by city ordinance?
No chance of night life developing here. Back in the late 60's beer was banned
from city parks because of some teenage disturbances and has any one wondered
where have all the keggers gone? No one under 35 probably remembers the
wonderful kegger parties held in City Creek Canyon in the 70's.
While the liquor
laws have loosens some, actually Utah is a much more UP-TIGHT place then it was
when I first moved here. I blame it on 25 years of sanctimonious Republican
Puritanical domination. I sure wish Jesus would return and turn my bottled
water into wine.
When I bought my
house 11 years ago I worked for the down payment which included among other
things putting in a sprinkler system and laying sod. I wish now they would have
given me a dump truck load of mulch since now I have put half my yard into
xeriscaping and bark. It would have saved me a lot of work and would not have
been so wasteful.
I have lots of
lovely shade trees now which were killing the grass anyway. Don't just think of
tearing out grass...plant more trees. They provide relief from the heat, cools
your house, provides food if you are planting nut or fruit trees. Who cares
about raking leaves anymore? I don't have grass for them to kill and the leaves
keep the weeds down.
I always thought
retribution was the providence of God. My mother taught me to turn the other
cheek, walk an extra mile, and forgive seven times seventy. But what did she
know. She's just a Campbellite and not a member of the True Church. Just
because someone says something mean spirited to me, I do not have to validate it but I do have to
let that person have the right to say it. Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one
has the power to make you feel inferior unless you let them.
Voltaire and the
French and English Enlightenment thinkers are still as true today as they were
200 years ago. They (not divine intervention) provided the foundation for the
Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Freedom
of Speech. However just because one has the right to make a fool of themselves
it is better to have the wisdom to have some self restraint. Sticks and Stones
do break bones and words can really hurt. It's not a sign of weakness to be
kind; it's called civility.
Tammy Faye Bakker
died today. Love her or hate her she was a character. She was the subject of
RuPaul’s documentary The Eyes of Tammy Faye and she became a Gay icon after the
PTL Club folded. In her last interview with Larry King she said that "When
we lost everything, it was the gay people that came to my rescue, and I will
always love them for that."
21 July 2007
Saturday
Ben Anderson was released from
the hospital and asked if he could spend the night and I said certainly. I made
up my bed for him and made a bed for myself upstairs.
We watched
"Invaders From Mars" and “20 Centimeters” before heading for bed.
However about 3
in the morning I hear Ben being up and going in and out the front door. I was
worried so I got up and he was all panicky because he couldn't find the power
cord for his sleep apnea machine and hadn't slept all night and was having
trouble breathing.
He was afraid
that he had left the cord at the hospital. But he had another machine at home
so I said I would drive him to his apartment so he could sleep in his own bed
where he knew he could get oxygen and the rest he needed.
22 July 2007 Sunday
I didn't get back to sleep myself
until 4:30 Sunday morning but was up by 8:30. I fixed Michael Romero some
breakfast and then made some Banana Nut Bread from some overly ripe bananas
that Ben Anderson had at his place and then cleaned the house really well.
Later in the
morning Michael wanted to go to Kohl's to looked for attachments for my new
Kitchen Aid mixer but instead ended up buying a Cuisinart food processor
instead, along with a new coffee maker. I also bought some sandals and shoes
for school in the fall and some more shirts.
Mike Romero
bought some sandals and shorts and shirts for a trip he is taking to Sacramento
on Am Track over Labor Day. He's taking a sleeper car and the train goes over
Donner Pass in the Sierra's. Should be fun but I'll be back in school.
We then took
Ben's truck back to him in the afternoon with some of the Banana Bread. He said
he felt better. Haven't heard from anyone else much of community news.
When my mother
in law in Wyoming had surgery on her back and she had insurance, her portion
was close to $20,000. I needed to see my doctor, which I had for 15 years, last
week but the HMO has him working so hard.. back to back with new clients...that
I can't get an appointment until July 31st. Sure if it's an emergency I can pay
a $60 co-pay or try to see my doctor by sitting around all day and hoping for a
cancellation.
I have been pretty healthy most of my life but
in late middle age have developed diabetes. I am glad I have insurance but my
co-pay is nearly $80 a month where I see others people waltz in and have a $5
co-pay for same drugs I use and I am pretty certain these people don't have
access to better insurance then I do.
People who say
the health care system isn't broken are either-1. Rich, 2. an Elected Official
or 2. stupid.
A grass fire was
about a mile from the house which sent
plumes of smoke into the air. Glad it was only a grass fire and not the
refineries further down the road.
23 July 2007 Monday
It finally some cool air arrived from an evening
rain. About 6:30 a thunder storm swept quickly overhead but it was enough to cool
things off, get the dust, and smoke out of the air.
We took the
hounds for a ride and before we knew it we were up
While we were
out driving we stopped at a light next to a SUV full of college age boys. I was
commenting to Michael how cute they looked when one in the rear passenger seat
said, "Hi Mr. Williams". Taken back I asked what his name was and he
said Mason and I had him as a student in sixth grade must have been seven years
ago! Wow.
Talked to Ben Anderson
tonight and he sounded much stronger then this weekend. My hand is so much
better from where the hornet stung me but there was a good size hole in my hand
where the bugger stuck me.
In California,
the tide line of the beach is public property but the wealthy buy property right
up to the tide line to prevent access to the beach that belongs to everyone and
they use the same arguments as the Utah McMansionites do building in the
foothills to prevent hiking trails. “Its private property, it will bring in
crime.”
The great
shame is that people were allowed to build in the first place in these
areas that should have been preserved for the public. The Jordan River Trail
also needs fixing at North Temple. Is anyone working on that I wonder?
24 July 2007
Tuesday
Well another Pioneer Day. It's a
good thing all those old pioneer leaders were pardoned for treason or I doubt whether
we would celebrating the 24th today and Mormon history would be more
convoluted then it is already.
When I was a
student at BYU in 1973 I would visited a nursing home off of center street to
read and visit with an old gentleman there. He was 93 years old even then. He
had an interesting life, was a WWI vet and came from a polygamous family.
His father was a
practicing polygamist and this old gentleman couldn't say enough vile things
about polygamy when it was practiced in full faith in the Mormon Church. He
said those old men were just nasty.
His father was
an old man when he was born, and he never had a father's attention, he was just
one of a multitude of offspring and since his mother was way down on the totem
pole he always had hand me down clothes and casts off.
The children of
the first wife lorded it over the other children. He said he rarely hard enough
to eat or any treats. And this was in Provo. These talks with this old WWI vet
sure made me change my views of the "sanitized" version of LDS polygamy.
It wasn't all about taking in the widows and excess women populations.
25 July 2007 Wednesday
When are people going to
understand that public schools are not businesses. They are not there to make a
product and make a profit. It is a very specialized service industry that deals
with children's educational as well as emotional needs. If Conservatives are
serious how about paying teachers based on performance then pay according to
the maximum students in a classroom.
Let's say a
dollar per student which is far less then babysitters get. So a teacher with
only 25 students would get $25 an hour while a teacher with 35 would get $35 an
hour. And some Jr. High and high school teachers with as much as 45 students in
a class room would get paid $45 an hour. Now that's what I call fair... getting
paid for the amount of work you do.
If there's a
shortage of math teachers may be its saying that teaching is extremely
difficult for such left brain people. Children are people not numbers. So it’s
easier to be an accountant then wipe noses and break up school ground fights.
(A lot more money too.) Walk around an
elementary school these days and count how many male teachers there are? You
try raising a family on a teacher's salary.
You can't and
that's why we are losing teachers especially men teachers. Teachers want to
have a home, reliable transportation, and raise a family just like you... so
they leave the profession, or work two jobs, or take on additional duties such
as coaching which is not available at the elementary level.
Some children
will go all through elementary school without seeing a male employee except for
the custodians. That will be for a lot of boys their role models. This is not
to say that some of the most excellent teachers are women but having more men
in our schools would also be a good thing too.
26 July 2007
Thursday
No entry
27 July 2007
Friday
I nearly had heat stroke today
working in the back yard. I dug up this Japanese Maple tree, to relocate it and
it was a bugger to move because it was so well established. I've been moving
rocks and plants while re-designing my back yard and I think I over did it.
28 July 2007 Saturday
I bought a car today. It's a 2007 Chrysler PT Cruiser. I Bought it
through a car rental place for $12,000 which I thought was a good price for a
car with just 17,000 miles on it and still under warranty.
I hadn't planned on buying a car but I went
looking with Mike Romero and Ben Anderson because Ben is in the market for a
car. His truck just isn't suiting his needs anymore.
So we went down
to Midvale after breakfast but Ben didn't like the Cruiser for himself but I
thought it was a good looking and fun little car. So I decided to buy it. It's
a pearl red with a gray interior. I named it Ruby after Dorothy's Ruby Slippers
because it will always take me home. Ben is thinking about an Impala.
My Sonoma is a still a great truck and in
great condition but I bought in January 1998 as a brand new car although it was
a 1997 model. I only have 88,000 miles on that truck so I didn't really need to
buy a new vehicle but I wanted my own hatchback so I could drive my pups
around.
I have four
dogs and they love to go for a ride but the truck just wasn't suited for them.
I am going to keep my truck, which is paid off, until January 2008. If I really
don't use it any more then I will sell it. Mike Romero thinks I should get at
least $6000 for it with the camper shell and all. So it was an exhausting day.
The buying
experience was not bad at all but when ever you make a major purchase you think
, is it what I want? Can I afford it? Since I could say yes to both those
answers I bought me a car today! Feeling better today.
Mormon justice
is weird. When straight man David Thacker shot Douglas Koehler, a Gay man,
point blank in the head in 1993 in Park City, Thacker was given a man slaughter
charge and sentence 0-7 years.
When Mike Archuleta and Lance Wood in 1988
shoved a tire iron up the rectum of Gordon Church, a Gay man, and put battery
cables on his genitals, and then kicked him to death near Cove Fort. Guess
which one of the pair of got the death penalty and which one who was a Mormon
Eagle Scout just got life?
Can anyone
remember which black man was executed for his part in the Ogden Hi Fi murders
although he hadn't killed anyone?
How come Mark
Hoffman can blow up two people, terrorize a city and he's still breathing air?
Makes you wonder.
Affirmation
activist Russell Gorringe sent out a wedding announcement. The children and
grandchildren of Joe Baker and Russell Gorringe are pleased to request your
presence at the covenant of holy union between their fathers on Saturday, July
28, 2007 at 5 p.m. at the United Church of Christ, Ceremony performed by The
Reverend Erin B Gilmore. No gifts please. Your presence alone is the best gift
possible. There will be light refreshments, visiting, and dancing following the
ceremony.”
29 July 2007 Sunday
The reason I haven't written for a couple of days is because Ben
Anderson loaned me his copy of Harry Potter’s Deathly Hallows on Wednesday and
I didn't do anything until Friday when I finished all 750 pages. I think
Rowlings did a great job finishing the series even if she killed off a lot of
characters in doing so.
A parent gave me
hard back copy of the Sorcerer’s Stone way back in 1997 saying that it was a
great book to read to kids. I think the series is much more then a children's
book now that in the last book Harry turns 17 years old.
It is a book that makes you not want to put it
down. I found myself reading past midnight when I was dead tired but had to
read the next chapter. I hated myself for keeping on reading but that's what a
great story teller does.
30 July 2007
Monday
I went to the dentist today and
had the rest of my work done so I am finished except for a crown but I think I
went way over the $1500 that my insurance will pay for.
I asked the
billing gal there if they had an account still open for Chad, and they hadn't
heard that he had died. The receptionist and the billing lady started to cry.
They really liked Chad and looked forward to his coming in.
The billing lady
told me of a story where once Chad came in and when he was in the chair the
dental assistant asked if he knew he had a bee in his hair.
Well he jumped up waving his arms all about
and the assistant was screaming because she was afraid of bees. The Billing
Lady said it was about the funniest thing she had ever witnessed. Oh Chad you
were a character.
31 July, 2007 Tuesday
July is about over and its been an extremely hot one. Its been a month
of change also. Started out with funeral services for
Today I went
into see Dr. Stoneburner, my doctor, for a check-up. He said I lost 13 pounds
and everything looked fine. I had some blood work done so I should get the
results of my blood sugar levels soon.
I went up to Washington Elementary school today to
bring up a desk and an office chair. I Stayed and hooked up my computer but my
room was too hot to stay in very much.
I did visit with
my principal Liz Beck and gave her the name of some teachers from Orchard who are looking to get
out.
In the evening Ben Anderson came over with a
movie "Pigskins on Parade" which featured Judy Garland in her very
first film in 1936. It was fun to watch. I fixed hamburgers for our dinner
tonight and corn on the cob.
Well nothing too
exciting going on...just wanted to say goodbye to July.
AUGUST
1 August 2007 Wednesday
It is August already. I don't
think August really gets the respect it deserves. First of all it doesn't get
its own holiday just kind of stuck there between July and September. It's
hardly fair.
August while it's still majorly hot is a
“cool” month because you know summer is coming to an end so you try to cram in
as much fun as you possibly can.
When I was active in the Faeries we had a
holiday for the first weekend in August called Lammas which was the first
harvest holiday so we made bread, and jams, and goodies to celebrate. I must be
channeling some Faerie energy because I've been working in the yard a lot this
summer
Today I put mulch all around the Japanese
Maple that I had Dugged up and transplanted earlier in the week that nearly
gave me heat exhaustion.
Tonight we watched “300” the comic book movie
about the Battle of Thermopylae
2 August, 2007 Thursday
Today it was
overcast so I finished digging up all the plants in my old garden, sage,
chives, day lilies, and irises mostly and re-bedding them.
Ben Anderson bought
himself a new car today. Its a shiny black Hyundai Sonata with a sun roof. I am
so glad he was able to find something that suits him and he can get rid of his
beat up old truck.
Speaking of
trucks I am probably going to get rid of my
3 August 2007
No entry
4 August 2007
Saturday
I went to breakfast with Ben
Anderson and Mike Romero and then went looking for license plate frames for the
cruiser. Went to Fashion Place Mall and I swear I haven't been to a mall in 5
years! Not missing anything.
5 August 2007 Sunday
No entry
6 August 2007 Monday
Didn't do much over the weekend just spent it relaxing. Watched some
movies, made chocolate chip cookies and that is the fabulous life of Ben
Williams.
7 August 2007-11 August
2007
No entries
12 August 2007
Sunday
Well Ben Anderson's Italian boyfriend, Mattia Lumaca tonight about 9 pm.
Mike Romero and I took Ben to the airport where he about near drove us crazy
waiting for Mattias’ flight to come in. I think he was extremely nervous and
who wouldn't be. Ben gave Mattia two dozen red roses. I think Mattia is in love,
love, love.
Old
closet case Merv Griffin died today; he was probably the most popular television
personality in his day but deeply hidden.
13 August 2007
Monday
Today was Ben Anderson's 51st
birthday and before his doctor's appointment Ben wanted me to go driving around
Salt Lake with him and Mattia Lumaca to show him Salt Lake . I could see that
Mattia could not care less about sightseeing. He only has eyes for Ben.
14 August 2007
Tuesday
Mike Romero and I took Ben
Anderson and Mattia Lumaca out to dinner for Ben's birthday. Monday he had
dinner with his son Jared and daughter-in-law Meg who didn't want Mike Romeo
and I there, so we celebrated on today. We went to the Texas Roadhouse for
dinner because I love their Sweet Potatoes even more then their steaks. Mattia
wanted some American food so what's more American then Texas Beef?
15 August 2007 Wednesday
Ben Anderson and Mattia Lumaca left
this morning for their trip to Vegas. The doctors said if Ben takes it easy he
should be okay. They are staying at the Mirage because Ben wants to swim with
the dolphins. I told him he better watch it or he will be the one belly up.
I went to Washington
Elementary today to look at my room and to run off some songs that I am making for
a fun song book for my class. While there I heard that the 4th grade would like
my room, so the 4th grade can all be in
a row. I talked to my principal Liz Beck, and she said if I wanted to move I
could but she wouldn't force me so I decided what the hell, so I spent much of
the day moving back in to my old room across the hall.
It was so hot in
the rooms, about 88 degrees and I was sweating buckets moving book cases,
desks, file cabinets, supplies. So I am exhausted.
It's been sweltering here in Salt Lake in the
100's and dry. My poor plants are all about withered.
I sure miss Chad
Keller almost every day. I keep thinking of things I want to gossip about and
share. I hope he's happy.
I've been in
contact with this woman who is working on the elusive Williams line in
I love my PT
Cruiser probably as much as my pups do. They ride in the back and bark at
everyone and put their heads out the window. It's summer time and the living is
easy.
16 August 2007 Thursday
Elvis Presley died thirty years ago, sitting on a toilet with his pants
down to his ankles. Everyone knows where they were that day. I was on the road
somewhere between
I liked many of
Elvis' songs but I was not of the generation who crowned him king. I was
teenager in the mid to late 1960's and Elvis' hay day was from 1956-1962. The
music of my generation is mainly the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.
John Lennon
being shot was more traumatic to me then Elvis dying. Elvis was 42 and I was 26
so he seemed like a middle-aged man to me and yet somehow the Rolling Stones in
their 60's still seem contemporary.
Elvis liked President Nixon too so there was
definitely a generation gap. I've come to appreciate Elvis more as I've gotten
older but he never rocked my world.
My nephew was
married at the Graceland Chapel last year in Las Vegas with a Elvis Presley
impersonator singing Viva Las Vegas. He came to Salt Lake City for a concert in
the mid 1970's but I didn't go because, one I didn't have the money and two
Elvis never really did much for me.
You'd think that
a man in a white polyester Rhine-stone jumpsuit would have been just up this
Gay boy's alley but with all his chintz Elvis never exuded any Gay energy to
me.
Another scorcher
in Salt Lake but at least we don't have the humidity.
All that is in
the news is the coal miners in Huntingdon Utah mine disaster who are probably
dead.
17 August 2007-22
August 2007
No entries
23 August 23, 2007 Friday
I heard from an old Gay activist Curtis
Jensen who now lives in San Francisco. He wrote:” Hey everyone, I was
interviewed for a podcast: The Feast of Fools, the number one LGBT podcast in
the US (iTunes stats), a featured comedy podcast on iTunes, and winner of the
2006 and 2007 People's Choice Podcast Award for best LGBT podcast. The
interview is partly about my job with Steamworks and partly about me personally.
No iPod required (you can listen on your computer via media player) - but you can subscribe for
free on iTunes and it's a great show - I've been addicted for months.”
I responded to Curtis Jensen "The
interview was really cool. I am glad that you found a job that is queer
identified. I am sorry to hear that you are HIV positive but thank God we have
the drugs we do now. My friend John Reeves who moved back to
24 August 2007-26
August 2007
No entries
27 August 2007 Monday
Here it is the beginning of the week that school will officially begin
with the kids back on Wednesday. I've been at school for almost two weeks
already, because I changed classrooms back to my original one at the end of the
hall. So busy, busy, busy moving bookcases, supplies, desks, chairs, putting up
bulletin boards etc.
I have 30
students on my list at the moment, but I expect at least one or two more as
people realize it's time to register their kids. And my room is already hotter than
a pistol with no air conditioning so just can't wait for the 30 bodies to add
more heat to the room.
I heard from the
young custodian and from several of the teachers that my room is haunted by the
ghost of a little girl who carries a book bag. She only comes out after nine at
night. I asked Dorothy Pratt who is 75 and who has taught at the school longer
then anyone else and she said yes a little girl did die in that classroom back
in the 1970's.
Ben Anderson is
a war bride or that's at least what I call him. Mattia Lumaca asked him to
marry him when they returned from Vegas and Ben said yes so Mattia bought them
both wedding rings before leaving to go back to Italy. Ben's been boo-hooing
and I said its just like those whirl wind weddings during WWII where the guy is
off to war for months at a time. Mattia can't get back over here until
December. He's gonna to try and get a Student Visa.
28 August 2007 Tuesday
No entry
29 August 2007 Wednesday
Well it was my first day back to school with students and I have a big
blister on my heel from wearing new shoes and I was so heated in the classroom that
as soon as I came home I took a cool shower. It was 95 today in Salt Lake and
my room was at a constant 85 degrees. Even with all the fans, which stir the warm
air more than cools it, I was exhausted at the end of the day.
I brought in
cold bottled water for all my students today and passed out Otter Frozen pops
after lunch recess. I did take the kids out to play kick ball to get them out
of a stuffy classroom even though it was hot outside too.
I have 31
students but 3 didn't show up so they may have moved without telling us or they
are still on vacation.
Sen Craig of
Idaho, our Mormon sister state to the north is the latest political scandal
involving a conservative family values Republican. Evidently he was making a
date in a airport tea-room and got busted. Poor old closet case.
Michael Romero is
leaving in a few days on a train trip to Sacramento over Labor Day. That should
be fun.
Well I think it
will be a good year at school. I can only hope and at least I don't have to
take anymore classes.
Michael Aaron
wrote me saying: Ben I enjoy reading
your daily posts in the Tribune.
I wrote back
“It’s an obsession. I am just an opinionated dick. Thanks”
30 August 2007-31 August
2007
No entries
SEPTEMBER
1 September 2007
Saturday
So here it's September already
and Labor Day weekend and I am still crippled by this huge blister on my heal
that is still seeping pus.
Ben Anderson and
I went to see "September Dawn" about the Mountain Meadow Massacre by
Mormons on September 11 1857. There were a total of about 12 of us in the
theater so not a block buster in Salt Lake.
While some of it
was pretty accurate and Terrence Stamp and Jon Voight were pretty good, the
dialog was pretty cheesy. After the Bishop works up the congregation of young
Mormon males, looking a lot like Abercrombie and Fitch Models, they all start
shouting “Blood Atonement Blood Atonement” like a football cheer. It was rather
funny when the subject was pretty serious.
The film also
made the preacher on the Arkansas Wagon Train sound like a New Age Christian
rather than a fire and damnation preacher that most clergy were in the 1850's.
It would have
been a ton more realistic if they showed the Mormon men committing the atrocity
out of fear for their own personal safety if they did not obey the Priesthood
and Militia's order to murder the train.
I bottled 9
pints of peach jam today from my tree but because Ben was staying over and I
was helping him transfer files from his Apple Crap computer to his PC, I didn't pay enough attention to my jam and
they didn't jell up but they will make good pancake syrup.
I feel so in tune with my grandmas when I can
jam; kind of a cross generational tie. Even though they are both dead I feel
them near me whenever I bottle fruit.
As a boy I use
to brush out my grandma Johnson's hair, what a little fag boy I was even then.
2 September 2007 Sunday
At 5:30 this
morning I get a call from Mike Romeo that his train was in so I gathered the
hounds put them in the cruisers and went to the station to retrieve him. The
Amtrack state is only about 10 minutes
from the house on Third South and Sixth West. He said he had a good trip and
met a Gay Swedish couple on their way to
Monday, Labor
Day it’s supposed to be 100 and School
will start in earnest Tuesday with all day classes.
Larry Craig
resigned from the Senator for playing footsy with a vice-cop. I don't like the
guy but hell loosing your career for playing footsies while Vetter can solicit
prostitutes and no one goes after him. Ho Ho Homo-phobia
3 September 2007-5
September 2007
No entries
6 September 2007
Thursday
We had our Back to School night
today. I was in my heated classroom for 12 hours because of it. Traffic is always
so bad coming into Davis County from Salt Lake that I knew if went home, I'd
never make it back to school on time so I just stayed.
7 September 2007 Friday
So glad this week is over. It’s
been so warm in the classroom and I am glad that at Back To School Night
parents can feel how hot the classroom can get.
This man named
Seth L. Bryan wrote me “Dear Ben, I have had the hardest time trying to reach
you over the last few months; every email I have sent to various addresses has
bounced back.
Fortunately, I
just read the Trib article on slavery and Mormonism, which led me to your Yahoo
Group, which gave me this email address. This time I hope it goes through.
Allow me to
introduce myself: I'm a graduate student in the Religion Department at the
I have read your
blog at gayflower.blogspot.com with great interest but was really frustrated
that the month of August is missing (or, rather, the entries for July have been
copied onto August).
In terms of your
relationship with the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, the month of August
appears to be very important. And, in that I am seeking out information on the
history of the RCJC, that missing month appears to be very important to my
research. I feel like I've invested hours into a putting together a puzzle only
to find that the center piece is missing. Your help would really be
appreciated. Regards, Seth L. Bryant Dept. of Religion.”
8 September 2007 Saturday
Ben Anderson came over tonight
and Mike Romero, he, and I had a Planet of the Apes and Beneath the Planet of
the Apes movie-thon. "Get your hands off of me you damn ape!"
It was fun to
see Charleston Heston's tush again. I first saw Planet of the Apes in the
spring of 1969. It was John Cunningham's and my first date although he didn't
know it was a date...but I knew!”
I wrote Kevin
Hillman as I hadn’t spoken with him since Chad Keller’s death, “How are you
doing? I hope your summer has gone well. It seems that
There's been so
many times this summer I've mourned over
“ There's so
much I want to tell him and it makes me so damn mad that he's not here to
gossip with and I miss his stupid laugh. Funny I really didn't realize how
connected I was with
“For me, this
community will never be the same without Chad in it. He was the last of the
true characters. Everyone else seem so Borg like. I know I am just getting old.
“ I drove by his
place the other day and his flower pots look like they have taken a beating
this summer. I can't blame Mark Trash for not taking care of them. He never
claimed to be a plant person.
“When I went to
Chad’s and my dentist in July I told them that Chad had died. They were shocked
and sadden. He had even made in impact on them. The dentist wondered if he
would ever get the Fabby Award for best dentist that
9 September 2007 Sunday
“Time keeps on slipping into the
future.” It was busy week last week and
we are back into a routine now and over the weekend a major cool front came
through and its been about 75 in the day. Yes!
I haven't felt
like making dinner lately so been eating out a lot lately. I did bake some
chocolate chip cookies. Boring life I know.
My pups make me
happy and I am spending a fortune taking them for a ride in my PT Cruiser. I
can get gas by my school in
The Utah State
Fair is going on. I think about going, but that all I do is think about.
The big old
blister on my heel is healing finally.
We'll be voting
Tuesday for a primary election for Mayor of Salt Lake. I think I am ready to
vote for Ralph Becker. He's the cutest and if I have to look at a mayor for
four years by damn I want him cute! BTW there's no such thing as a cute
Republican.
Well I spend my
life aggravating people on the comment section of the Salt Lake Tribune. I am
about the only one who uses my name instead of some stupid handle. I usually
get some great compliments back to me.
Well got to go
scratch my balls.
10 September 2007- 13 September 2007
No entries
14 September 2007 Friday
It seems to be easier to write at the end of the week as I come home so
exhausted from teaching that I just want to relax mentally as well as
physically. “I am ornery, I have a head cold, and I need sex.
I've been
getting frantic phone calls from the Pride Center wanting me to be involved in
a history project for the month of October which is Gay history month. They are
putting the pressure on because they have put Luci Malin and Todd Bennett, two longtime
friends of mine, who also happen to be
on the board of directors, up to calling me. But I don't want to!
I already write
a column bi-monthly and working full time I am not up to pulling out my files
to help out the center. I have some real issues with the center anyway. They
took away the archives ten years ago and stashed them from me for five years
until I could recover them with the help of Jay Bell.
We had to do all
the heavy lifting and sorting ourselves in the heat of summer without any
thanks. We gave them to the U of U and that's the last I've seen of them.
Then in 2003
they asked if the historical society would do kiosks for Pride Day and be a
partner with Pride. We built painted and delivered the kiosks and afterwards
they tried to screw us out of our money saying that we hadn't signed the
contract in time which was bs because we did.
But more than
anything else, they treated me like I was an idiot and were very disrespectful.
When a new director took over I tried to let them know that their dates on when
the center was founded were wrong. Instead of thanking me they acted like who
are you?
Last year Luci
Malin asked if I had a record of the past members of the board of directors
because the center had no record of them so I spent eight hours going through
my files hunting for them and after sending the information to them I didn't
get as much as a kiss my ass.
The Center has
never acknowledge the work I have done and only calls me when they need
information for a project. I am sure they will want me to use all my resources
again and will not give me credit let alone any payment for services.
I have never
taken a dime for anything I have ever done in this community but if they can
dole out tens of thousands of dollars on salaries I don't know why they would
expect me to do this for free.
Ben Anderson came
over this evening and wanted to go to Bingo Nite as Bunny. It was a western
theme so Bunny had on a denim skirt, my cowboy boots, toy guns and holster, and
a cowboy had to sit on top of her pink bouffant. She wanted me to go but I said
no way.
I am just
recovering from a head cold and didn't want to be in a stuffy hot room. But Mike
Romero and I did drive her there to the
Baptist Church because I knew she couldn't drive in the boots.
Its a beautiful night with rain clouds causing
the ions to clean out the air. It’s warm but pleasant.
No sooner did we
leave Bunny, and went and bought some dog food, she phoned to come and get her.
She lasted about 1/2 hour. She said that she got a standing ovation as Bunny
but the younger Cyber-Sluts kind of kept their distance from her.
After picking
her up she said that this was Bunny's last hurrah and the wig goes back into
the box. Well at least until Bunny wants to come out again to play. I said that
she doesn't have to be a Cyberslut she can always be a Garland Gay.
15 September 2007 Saturday
This morning Ben Anderson, Mike Romero, and I went to the Utah State
Fair to look at the rurals. Mighty fine looking Cowboys and farm boys. We saw
the 700 lb. butter cow, petted the goats, looked at the Jersey and Guernsey
Cows, perused through the vegetable exhibits, quilts, and canned goods.
We watched the
wild turkey races and had a foot massage and Ben got his funnel cake with
strawberries and whip cream. We're living in Yewwwwwtah!
Ben was going to
come over afterwards to watch a movie but his blood sugars were at 400 so he
stayed home to rest. Mike Romero left to go to a Napa company picnic in the
late afternoon. They made so much money this year that his CEO flew to Paris
for dinner and spent 1800 dollars on Champagne. I guess he felt guilty so he
let the little people have a picnic catered by Famous Dave BBQ.
I stayed home
this evening and watched Bette Davis die in Dark Victory. 1939 was the greatest
year in film history.
16 September 2007 Sunday
No entry
17 September 2007 Monday
I just learned that John Francis Cunningham had died last 13 May 2007. I
am devastated. He was my one true love. My first love. I can't write anymore. I
need to lay down.
18 September 2007 Tuesday
I had a terrible depression after learning that John Cunningham had been
dead since May. I always knew that no one would ever tell me if he died and
that I'd have to find out on my own.
After weeping
myself to sleep last night, going over all the times of my life, spent with
John in the distant past, I heard someone ringing my doorbell and a bunch of
girls giggling. Half a sleep and half mad, I was getting up to put some pants
on when my phone rang.
It was Elyse Giles on the front porch wanting to see Mike Romero
and me. Elyse thinks of Mike Romero and me as her Gay uncles and she was having
a two hour layover in Salt Lake, after flying down from Montana where she had
been visiting her folks.
She was with her
girlfriends and wanted to tell us that she was pregnant and we would be Gay
uncles again. So bizarre. Here one minute I am learning about the death of my
high school love and the next I am hearing that the little girl who moved in
ten years ago next to us is all grown up and having a baby. Life IS a fucking
circle.
Elyse just wanted to drop in and tell us about
the news in person and then had to flit away, so back to bed I went thinking
how surreal life is.
Today I had a
massive headache, probably from remnants of the cold I have, and having had my
sleep interrupted, and from the hit my body took upon learning that John was
dead.
I had not laid
eyes on John since 1972 when he enlisted in the army rather then being drafted.
We were both 21 then. Funny how one person can affect you so much to control
the destiny of your life.
I was so utterly
devastated by John joining the army that I left
When John told
me that he didn't love me in 1970, I later joined the Mormon Church to fill the
hole left in me, hoping that religion would cure me of my ‘sin’ of loving him.
It didn't.
But I built a
life in
However one day
I was so low and feeling that life had no real meaning with out knowing whether
John was alive, well, and happy a kind of miracle happened. I have no way to
explain it other than I was inspired how to find John.
I knew his parents well and knew the company
that his father had worked for so I called asking for his dad's address. They
said that they couldn't give out that information so I said that if I sent them
a letter to them would they forward it and they said they could do that.
It was three months later and I had almost
forgotten that I had sent the letter when I got a phone call. It was John. I
was actually hearing his voice after so many years.
Over the course
of the next several years we called and talked, and I told him that I still
loved him. He wanted me to come see him and once I almost did but I was too
scared. I wasn't 18 anymore. I was 38 and I was afraid for him to see that I
had changed.
John said he
wasn't Gay but he had never married, worked as a fireman in an all-male unit. I
learned that he had several DUIs and hated his life.
We once talked
about his coming to Utah where I would train him how to be a title searcher but
that never happened either.
His phone calls
became less frequent. I became involved in two relationships and then his phone
number was disconnected. His name was so common that it was hard to locate him
in
The brilliant
high school varsity football player's life had become tragic. The last times I
had really talked to him, he said he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I remember one
time, him calling me in the middle of the night and asking me if I was in
California because he heard my voice distinctly. God knows if there is anything
to telepathy he would have heard my thoughts constantly.
Just the other
day we were watching Planet of the Apes and I told Ben Anderson and Mike Romero
that I first saw the film was John and it was my first date, even though he
didn't know he was on a date.
John is even to
this day so much a part of my soul. I can't believe he's dead. I thought even
if we were not together we were at least alive together. That sounds stupid I
know.
I took John down
with me when I registered for the draft because he hadn't yet and he turned 18
three months before me. I drove with him so he could get his drivers license. I
registered him for college, wrote term papers for him to keep his student
deferment up. He was like number 9 in the draft lottery for that year. I was
like 256 but they were drafting numbers up to 300.
All the time we
were together, I never held his hand, kissed his lips, held him in an embrace,
or any other physical intimacy. It was simply enough to be in his company. This
was how things were before Stonewall.
I loved him with
all my heart and soul and yet I could show him no more then that I was his best
friend.
When after spending
an evening at Disneyland and over a year of this pinning, I finally, during my
College Freshman summer, told him that I loved him. We sat for a while in the
darken car and then finally he said, “I don't love you.”
What else could
he have said? I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown afterwards. The first
person in my life I ever told that I loved, it was to another man, and he said
he didn't love me. I felt so damned dirty.
I would have
committed suicide except for a dear college friend Ralph Ludders to whom I
confided why I was so despondent. I told him all about John and I and all that
we had done together and rather then being repelled or disgusted, Ralph simply
said to me: "You really did love him."
Someone finally
validated what I felt for John and I will always hold Ralph in a special place
in my heart. So Ralph and I went to
I was best man
at Ralph's wedding to Brenda September of 1970. They eventually joined the
Mormon Church which led to my joining it in 1972.
John Cunningham
dead. I fear now so is a piece of my heart.
19 September 2007-21 September 2007
No entries
22 September 2007 Saturday
Ben Anderson came over to go out
for lunch and a play. We went to this upscale hamburger joint called “Acme
Burgers” on 4th South and Second West where it cost $40 for two burgers and a salad.
Never again. I had Ben pay since he won $600 playing poker out at Wendover
yesterday.
Then Michael
Romero, Ben Anderson and I went to see a musical called "Johnny
Guitar". We walked out at intermission. Just didn't have any spark or
queer energy. Musicals must have queer energy or they are duds.
I haven't stolen any surveys from my Arkansas
friend Tony Jones in a long time. But this was fun.
A is for age: 56
B is for beer of
choice: Root Beer
C is for career
right now: 5th Grade Teacher
D is for your
dog's name: Priscilla, Smokey, Daisy, and Buddy
E is for
essential item you use everyday: my computer or my toilet hmmmm
F is for
favorite TV show at the moment: 30 Rock
G is for
favorite game: Hearts or pretending that some day I'll find someone who will
love me as much as I love them.
H is for birth
Home town:
I is for
instruments you play skin flute
J is for
favorite juice: Grape juice and Crackers.. makes me feel as if I'm in church
K is for whose
butt you'd like to kick : Republican Closet cases
L is for the
last place you ate : El Ranchitas. We had five rolled tacos while Ben had a
chicken tostado
M is for
marriage: I am done playing that game. Just give me good friends and a fuck.
N is for your
full name: Ben Edgar Williams.
O is for
overnight hospital stay: Not since third grade when I had tonsils out
P is for people
you were with today/recently: Ben Anderson
Q is for recent
quote: “Let them eat cake"
R is for Biggest
Regret: Not having sex with this cute 18 year old sailor when I was 15 years
old. We had just finished swimming in my neighbors pool in
S is for status:
Twilight Zone but technically single
T is for time
you woke up today: Around 6:15 a.m.
U is for
underwear: cloth covered elastic long leg briefs colored.
V is for
vegetable that you love: Fried Okra
W is for worst
habit: biting nails
X is for x-rays
you've had several of my teeth, a couple chest films, one for a fractured wrist
Y is for yummy
food you ate today: two crumb donuts and a mocha latte coffee for breakfast
Z is for zodiac
sign: Aries of course
23 September 2007 Sunday
Strange how that the first boy to ever have intercourse with me, Phil
Casas, committed suicide at the age of 47 on August 3 1996 and the first boy I
ever loved but never had sex with is also dead at the age of 56, I fear by
suicide.
Phil Casas was
born 6 March 1949 and was the same age as my sister Donna, in fact for a while
he was her boyfriend. The only picture I have of Phil is of my sister and him
at 8th Grade Graduation in 1963. His parents George and Sophie Gamboa Casas
moved next door to us about 1958 after the
Little Stevie
Campbell and I use to lock ourselves in the bathroom to play with each other
even before I entered elementary school.
Anyway Phil was
always known as the “mean kid and bully” and he liked that reputation. However
in Jr. High, Phil, who was now in High School, started seeing me differently.
One late summer
night we were out laying on the grass talking and the conversation came around
to girls and sex, and such. Phil was horny and wanted me to jerk him off.
Over the course
of the next three years until Phil was a Senior in High School, Phil would
regularly throw pebbles at my bedroom window wanting me to come out and play at
night. I'd crawl out my bedroom window and we would play around in the side
yard between our houses.
Once while his
parents were gone, I was in his bedroom when he started rubbing my ass with his
dick when it just naturally went in. No pain no cramping. He liked it and I
liked it so he came. We really didn't screw around much, however. He mostly
wanted me to blow him and I was not really into that very much at the time. I
mostly just wanted to be close to him and jack off.
Phil never
kissed me nor outside of wanting sex from me acknowledged me or was very
affectionate. And at school he ignored me all together while he hung around his
“jock varsity big men on campus” crowd.
His Senior year,
he knocked up some girl and they got married straight out of high school and
had I think five kids. Phil as a man always had a kind of affection for me, as
someone who helped out his urges in his youth.
He eventually
became a Millionaire, lost it during the Savings and Loan Scandals of the early
1980's. He was making a come back in the 1990's when his wife divorced him and
he committed suicide.
I always
wondered if perhaps his attraction to same sex was coming back or was it some
other middle age crisis. I will never know.
Both Sophie and
George Casas are gone now and like John Cunningham's death, I suppose it will
always be a mystery when they died.
Its finally
raining here in Utah, a fall-like rain to match my depression over knowing John
is dead. Will we ever see each other again in the here after?
24 September 2007-27 September 2007
No entries
28 September 2008 Friday
Today is Billy Bikowski's 46 birthday. My demented sweet 25 year old
love. He and John Cunningham the two great loves of my life and neither one
loved me back. I suppose that says a lot about my character or perhaps I was
just in love with being in love. Suppose it hardly matters any more.
Mike Romero came
home from work with a new car. He traded in his Equinox for a 2007 Chevy Trail
Blazer. When I first dated Michael he had a red Trail Blazer. This one is a
pretty silver gray color.
I guess Ben Anderson
and I buying new vehicles this year entitled him to buy one also. His payments
are lower then mine because he got $10,000 for the Equinox.
Ben's son Jared has
been really ill lately perhaps gall bladder. Health insurance is great as long
as you don't get sick.
I emailed
Michael Aaron, publisher of the QSalt lake and said that I wouldn't be writing
a history column for a while. I said I needed some time away from the community
to process losing Kathy Worthington, Chad Keller, and John Cunningham this year
and things in general.
29 September 2007-30
September 2007
No entries
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