Winter First Quarter Journal 2020 January-March Trump's 4th Year

 

Journal 2020

January

1 January 2020 Wednesday

I woke up with snow on the ground and it snowed some this morning too but not nearly the snowfall the weather folks predicted. In fact, this is my kind of winter storm, the kind that melts off the driveway and sidewalk without any effort on my part.

            Danny Montoya had to leave early around 5:30 this morning to drive to Wendover where his charter airline company has stationed him temporarily. Kyle Foote stayed in his room downstairs until nearly 11. I imagine he was tired from his romantic endeavors.

I made some homemade biscuits from this 7-up and sour cream recipe I know and had them with my hot mocha coffee for this snowy morning. I watched “Priscilla Queen of the Desert” to start off a fabulous new decade.

When Kyle came upstairs I fixed him some scrambled eggs and a couple of biscuits. Then I finished making clam chowder for the afternoon” it's kind of a New Years tradition for me.  I make a good clam chowder.

I had Michael Romero over for lunch around 1 in the afternoon and by then it had stopped snowing and much of it had already begun to melt. He brought Coco over so for this New Years Day I got to spend it with family as Kyle also came up again and ate some Clam Chowder too.

Michael didn’t stay long. It was his day off so  I let him go home to watch movies and relax. I sent most of the chowder home with him.

Kyle was antsy to get out of the house and wanted to go shopping for a few personal items and I went along so we spent much of the afternoon together.

After all these years, it seems almost like a dream that he is here again. At one point I said to him “look at all you have accomplished in less than a month. You have a new vehicle, a job in the field you are going into, a boyfriend, and a warm roof over your head.”

He said however that Danny and he haven’t really committed to being boyfriends yet so I said then a handsome friend with benefits.  I think its Kyle’s anxieties that make him doubt a lot of the good that is in his life.

We first went to Lowes in Bountiful because I suggested that he might want to change out the shower head downstairs to a hose like I have in my tub because they are great for cleaning what I called “your under carriage” LOL. If you are going to be making love it’s important to stay clean as he wanted to buy some disposable wipes that is why I suggested swapping out the shower head. But he didn’t see any at Lowes that suited him.

We then went to the new Smith’s down in Woods Cross that was built where the old K-Mart used to be because but we couldn’t find the items he wanted which surprised us being that the supermarket is so huge. Instead, we went back to the Smith’s Market Place in Bountiful, bought some groceries there, and he found what he was looking for there. At one point I had him drive by Washington Elementary to see if they had started demolishing it but they hadn’t. The school looked so forlorn and empty.

Back at the house, I didn’t do much after that. Kyle went back down to his room and I fixed me some biscuits and gravy and watched a series on Hitler’s Youth and how the Nazi’s coerced and brain washed an entire generation of young people.

I went to bed around 10 at night with my pups. We are all tuckered out.

So here it is a new year and a new decade. Perhaps the one I will die in. Grandma and Grandpa Williams and dad all died in their 70’s so it is likely so will I, except that mom was in her 80’s and my Johnson grandparents were in their 90s. I wonder which genes will prevail.

I feel like I am in fairly good health and am at the lowest weight I’ve been since the 1970’s. I can’t believe I am wearing a size 36 pants and they are loose but then I rarely eat  any more and when I do it’s not much.

I only have four pups anymore, Maxx, TJ, Lulubelle, and Buster, although Taco, Jim Dabakis dog, has been with me for about a month while he’s been down in Mexico. I am still babysitting Miss Coco too.

The biggest change is that Kyle Foote is living with me again. I can’t explain the emotional attachment I have for that man. I almost said boy but at 40 I guess that wouldn’t apply. I have such a bond with him and I feel so contented whenever I am with him but I have to be careful not to smother him and just let him be who he is.

I met a man named Bradley Jim Hart, the last week of last year. He is very sweet to lay and cuddle with and he’s attracted to me even though I am 26 years older than him but I am just grateful that at my age someone still finds me romantically attractive. I have no clue where this relationship is headed but so far it’s been nice.

The only relative I heard from over the holidays was my niece Denise Wachs who informed me about her son Nate Ferguson is having a baby shower on the 25^th so she will be a grandma herself soon this year. She also said that my brother in law Dennis Wachs is not doing well. He smoked a pipe for years and years so his health is declining. My sister Charline is 72 years old and my sister Donna is 70.

I am still living at 1633 Fernleaf Street in Salt Lake City and am glad to not be alone here even if Kyle is gone a lot. I don’t entertain my friends here as much as I used too, no big dinner parties anymore. I guess I am slowing down or my priorities have changed.

I am ready to give up writing for the Q Salt Lake and right now I am feeling that as soon as I finishing the decade of the 90’s for my Utah Stonewall Historical Society’s Lecture Series, I will be done with that this year. The only commitment I have made is to help Roy Zang with the History Booth at Pride Day this year.

Well, it’s a clean slate for me to live what remaining time I have left in this world. I hope to see Trumpism end this year and wiped away.

I need this information to check my America First Credit Union balance now that my Mortgage is being taken out on the 1^st of the month. My account is 24429912 plus my password

2 January 2020 Thursday

This morning, I went to America First to see why my new debit card hadn’t arrived yet and whether my old one would be good through January. The teller said it would be however, she printed off a new debit card for me while I waited as that America First had sent me out one 2 weeks ago.

            When I went to the grocery store at the Glendale Smith’s, the new card didn’t work but the old one did. However, when I came home and checked the mail there was my new debt card in the mailbox after all. So, I had that one activated so hopefully I am good to go.

            Before that I also went to Walgreens to buy some KY jelly lube and what I thought was a douche bag like the old one I had but gotten rid of. I wasn’t paying close enough attention and actually bought just a hot water bottle bag without out the hose attachment. So that was a waste. I went on line and bought what I wanted from Amazon but it won’t arrive until the 4^th after my date with Brad Hart tomorrow.

            I made some minestrone soup today and had a couple of bowls of it. It was good but really filling and I brought a lot of it over to Michael Romero’s when I took Coco home. I also kind of told him about meeting Brad.

            When Kyle Foote came home, we visited a little, and he told me of his prospects of the two interviews he did and he said the dry wall contractor seemed promising. He’s said he is going to go ahead and get his contractor license in a few weeks.  Then he went downstairs to finish working on putting some cords from his TV through the wall boards. 

I spent some time actually cleaning out the bathroom closet and getting rid of old medicine and stuff I will never use that had just been cluttering up the space.  I have done more de-cluttering in the house since Kyle moved back home than I did in the 8 years he was gone. Maybe I was just waiting for him to come home.

            Danny Montoya is back in Provo so I guess they will spend much of the weekend together.  I watched a couple of episodes of Season 2 of Lost in Space before heading to bed.

            Roy Zang helped with getting the Pride Center to list our two historical societies on their Calendar of events site. I had let him know that neither of us was listed on the calendar of events

            I told both Michael Romero and Kyle Foote that I was done writing for Michael Aaron’s QSalt Lake. It’s time to move on. Until 2012 I was writing bi-monthly columns nearly 180 columns and since then just once a month. I have written around 84 since 2012, all without any remuneration. I did it mainly for my personal satisfaction of sharing the histories of the community, which is no longer a gay-centric demography but is now a trans-dysphonic one. God save us Nellie Queens.

3 January 2020 Friday

Unseasonably warm in the mid 50’s today but at least we aren’t burning up like Australia is. It’s horrible for all those people and animals. Really tragic. The main news story here is how Trump ordered the assassination of an Iranian General in a drone attack in Baghdad. Of course he did it to draw attention away from his impeachment.

            I made Shepherd Pie and Brownies for my 3^rd date with Brad Hart and besides taking TJ down for his shot and taking Coco home I didn’t leave the house.

            I didn’t see much of Kyle Foote as he was only home long enough to change to go see Danny Montoya who’s down in Provo.

            Brad came over at 6:30 and I’ll say this for him he’s punctual and doesn’t keep me waiting.  I think I am growing more and more attached to him. We ate supper and shared some of our doings. Then we went into the movie room to watch the “Ritz”. The pups all joined us. Brad is kind of a novice about Gay culture and much of the references to show tunes in the old classic kind of went over his head. He said he’s never been that involved in Gay culture and I said that is okay just as long as he understood that I really am “out” in my position as a historian of the community.

            We came to know each other a little better and I asked him when his birthday was and he replied May 17^th. He said mine was April 10^th which kind of surprised me that he would know that but he said he looked at my Face Book profile. It pleased me that he cared enough about me to remember.

I said he’s a Taurus and I’m an Arian and our signs aren’t supposed to be compatible. He asked me if I believed in Astrology and I just smiled and said I believe in everything. I told him that I am an old hippie and faerie.

I said in my old age I always said I want to wear floppy hats and smoke pot. He then asked me if I smoked pot and I said I could count on my fingers the times I ever smoked weed. Then he surprised me again and said he could help me if I wanted to smoke some dope because he’s a smoker. Well, that is cool. I told him I’d have to come over sometime but he said I was probably a light weight and I said I am sure I am.

            After the movie, I took him into my bedroom and left the pups behind the movie room gate so Brad and I could make love without it being a puppy pile. As it was the Chihuahuas cried the whole time wanting to be with me.  Brad must really like me to be making love while serenaded by whiny pups.

            I love holding this man in my arms and covering him in kisses. He loves me taking the initiative in our love making. He’s insecure about himself and I said I am insecure about my image but together we can reassure each other.

Tonight was the first time we actually fucked with him penetrating me and Cuming. It felt wonderful but also kind of miraculous that this sinewy tall carpenter actually was excited by me.  I thought that physical sex with someone who is attracted to me was over for me at this time in my life.

            After making love we went back to the kitchen where I fed him some more and packed up some containers of food for him to take with him. He laughed when I said I liked to 3 “f’s” him: feed, fondle, and fuck him.”

            About the only way we are not completely compatible is that he’s a night owl and I am a morning lark and by 10:30 at night I was fading fast. He knew I was so he left for home over on 1000 West and North Temple with me embracing him and kissing him as he left.

            It seems so surreal that I might actually be falling in love with someone I think is falling in love with me. 

4 January 2020 Saturday

I am running errands this morning. I took the Honda Fit down to the car wash on 3^rd West down from Wal-Mart to get some of the road salt off of it and to vacuum it out for the New Year. I am paying $22 a month for unlimited number of car washes so I might as well use them .

From there I drove over to the Redwood Clinic to pick up some blood pressure medicine that Dr. Stoneburner had up the dose on them for me. While out, I stopped at Maverick on 13^th South and filled up the tank. Gas was down to $2.65 and I put $19 dollars in it.

Before doing all this running around, I began draining my hot tub. It’s time to put fresh water in it and chemicals while the weather is decent.  When I came back to the house it was almost empty and ready to clean.

It's so nice out that it gave me a nice window of opportunity to drain the hot tub, clean it, and sweep off a lot of the dead leaves that had fallen around the deck” now I am ready to let it snow when it comes. I even was able to just wear a pair of shorts to climb into the tub to remove the remaining water before filling it back up.

Inside I made a crock pot of chili to use up the hamburger meat that I hadn’t used in the Shepherd Pie yesterday.

I also had to wash all my bedding. One of the little scoundrels decided to wet on my bed near the pillows. I took off all the mattress pads and saw that it didn’t soak down to the mattress but I still flipped it over any way and did up the wash. The sheets were slightly soiled at it was from Brad Hart and my love making last evening.

I had ordered through Amazon an enema bag like the one I had for years but I had thrown out as I thought my days of love making were well past. It came today.

I wrote to Brad Hart saying: “I had a wonderful time last night” hope you're having a productive day. Thinking of you.”

He wrote back: “I had a really nice time last night too. Working in my basement today and discovered a plumbing leak, so I’m off to Lowe’s”” I responded: “ Hope not too serious or expensive.”

He later wrote back, “I got it fixed. Fortunately, it was something I could repair. How’s your day going?” I said: “Busy too” drained and cleaned the hot tub so if I did it right and everything works the way it's supposed to we can hot tub this winter” swept some of the dead leaves up too and made a crock pot of red chili and beans” don’t work too hard” thinking of you “take care.”

He responded, “Oh wow that sounds like a lot of work. It will be nice to use the hot tub. I’ll try not to work too hard”  Thinking of you too. I just had some Shepherd’s pie for lunch- yum! Thanks.”

I also wrote Bill Poore and asked when we were going back up to Layton to retrieve the canes his brother had offered him last Christmas. He wrote back, “I am not sure. I am still in bed” have not really left my house for two days. I need to go to the store today and buy a plant for my niece Courtney, her grandma Joyce, her father’s mother died yesterday”. Her and I got along well, laughing and making fun of the rest of the family”. She would look at me and whisper "Idiots". I responded, “It's a really nice day to get out and do some errands “ let me know if you need any help.”

I really didn’t do much else today. In the evening, I saw that on the Criterion Channel they had all these Science Fiction Movies from the 1970’s. Some I had not seen since I saw them in the theater almost 45 years ago. I watched Charleston Heston and Edward G Robinson in “Soylent Green” which I think was Robinson’s last film. It was about the overpopulated dystopian future where food was scarce and a corporation owned the main production of food, one which was called Soylent Green. The big reveal at the end was when Heston playing a cop discovered that people were being made into a food product called “Soylent Green.”  It was a big hit at the movies as I recall. Soylent Green takes place in the year 2022. So, I better watch out because it's almost here LOL.

I was really feeling kind of lonely tonight something I rarely do. I think I was missing both Kyle Foote and Brad Hart while sitting alone watching TV on a Saturday night. Kyle of course is with Danny Montoya and I don’t want to push myself onto Brad at this early stage of whatever is going on between us.

I know Kyle has been a really bad scoundrel in the past and rereading my 2012 Journal it sure dredged up all hurt he caused many, many people by his reckless disregard of empathy for those he hurt. I can only hope that 8 years of prison has changed that boy into a better man. With all his faults I do love him and suppose I will always love him.

Secretary of State Pompeo and Rick Perry both publicly said they think Trump is an agent of God’s to save Israel and establish America as a Christian theocracy. How scary is that? The Evil Evangelical fascists are not content to just burn the Cross they have to twist it into a Swastika. Heil Trump.

5 January 2020 Sunday

Kyle Foote must have come home at 1 this morning as I heard the garage door open and the dogs barking. I had gone to bed really early at 9 yesterday so I was awake, got up and fixed some tea and worked on editing my 2012 journal until 3 in the morning when I forced myself to go back to bed.             However, I still got up at 7 made my coffee and wrote in this journal some more. About 9 I decided to go to the Wal-Mart in Centerville to buy another body pillow instead of washing the one that was wet on. Why take the chance of ruining the washing machine. I bought a new small frying pan and a few more personal items while there. I was back by 10.

            I didn’t see Kyle Foote until almost 3 in the afternoon. His Rogue was in the garage so I assumed he was home but thought maybe he had gone off some place with Danny. However, when he did emerge he said he didn’t want to talk about it but he and Danny had broken up last night. I wanted to console him but nothing I could do if he didn’t want to talk about it. He took some Shepherd Pie back down to his room to eat and I didn’t see him after that. I know he must be depressed and should talk to someone about it.

            He starts back into school full time tomorrow as well as back to work. I continued to watch a documentary on Hitler’s Children that had interviews with survivors I think from back in 2000. Any surviving Hitler Youths would well be into their 90’s now.

            Brad Hart asked if he could come over this evening and I said certainly.  We went and soaked in the hot tub for about a half hour wrapped in each other’s arms. Then back inside I fixed him a bowl of Chili and cornbread. We ate and visited before going to bed.

Poor TJ. I had to leave him outside the door and he scratched and cried the whole time Brad and I made love.  It’s been so long since I’ve had anyone over that I didn’t realize what a nuisance TJ would be. All the other pups are fine but TJ has to be where I am or he feels like he’s been tortured.

            Brad and I just seemed to fit together and his size is just perfect to for me to be penetrated with the least amount of discomfort and maximum satisfaction. More than fucking, we mainly kiss and caress each other.

            Found out that he knew Chris Wadsworth really well when Chris was in his band Long Distant Operator and that his sister Natalie Hart lived at Del Mar Court at the same time the Faeries lived there in the early 90’s. I said that Salt Lake is a small city in many ways and that it doesn’t pay to be a jerk because someone you know will know others.

            Brad left for home around 10 and Kyle had gone out somewhere. I feel badly for Kyle and wished he would talk to me. I am feeling a little shut out of his life right now. Maybe it’s just insecurities but with him keeping secrets from me 10 years ago that was devastating. I hope this doesn’t affect his recovery.

To all the fake Christian Charlatans who think Trump is their savior, reconcile if you can Proverbs 12:22 King James Version (KJV) " Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: but they that deal truly are his delight."

6 January 2020 Monday

Danny Montoya spent the night so I suppose Kyle Foote and he made up or at least settle some of their issues. Kyle’s first day of classes began today at Weber State and he said it’s the first time he had been in a college classroom in many, many years” at least since 2011. He came home late around 7 this evening and said because of his college and work schedule he’ll probably be getting home late this entire term. He said he has another job interview also as a construction manager.

Danny came back over and they ordered a pizza but didn’t invite me to have any so they must have eaten in bed. I guess any expectation that Kyle and I would be eating together is an illusion. Sitting and watching “Spin and Marty” on the Disney Channel I felt more alone than when I was living alone.

            This morning, I took TJ in for his shot. Just one more on Friday and after that just monthly. While there, I and an appointment for Lulubelle to be groomed next Wednesday at 9. After taking TJ in for his shot at the Dog Park and bringing him home, I went grocery shopping and Lucky’s had a huge ham I bought for $6.50. At home I cut it up into parts and froze a lot of it for soups and ham steaks.

I also made two quiches and some crème of spinach soup for lunches this week. There was a book out in the 1970s with the title “Real Men Don't Eat Quiche”, that I always think of when I make a quiche. Hmmm I love quiche so I guess that says something about me.

Horrible news today. Michael Aaron posted in the Q “Breaking: Longtime gay activist John Bennett dead at 57 years old.” I've known John since 1987. He was a really sweet and good man. “Friends of longtime gay activist John Bennett say that he died over the weekend of January 4, 2020. He was 57 years old. No further details are available at this time.

Bennett held leadership roles in the ’80s and ’90s at the University of Utah Lesbian and Gay Student Union, AIDS Project Utah, Utah Pride Festival, and the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah.

He was an accomplished classical pianist and was accompanist at the Salt Lake Men’s Choir for three years and, in 1993, founded The Lesbian and Gay Chorus of Salt Lake City. He was also former Sen. Bob Bennett’s nephew.

Bennett served as executive director of the Utah Stonewall Center, now the Utah Pride Center, from 1994 to 1995.

He was part of many other groups, including the Utah AIDS Memorial Quilt Project, and marched with the Utah contingent at the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in 1987.

Bennett managed a senior center of Salt Lake County Aging and Adult Services from 2004 to 2013 before taking on the fulltime role of caregiver for his aging parents until his mother’s death in May of 2018.

He started Bennett’s Art Glass in 2015. The name paid homage to the Art Glass Department of a former family business, Bennett’s Paint and Glass. He did custom pieces for many homes as well as Franklin Covey.

He became president of Life Ring Secular Recovery, a secular alternative to 12-Step recovery for drug and alcohol dependency, in 2017.

In November, Bennett was hired as a program manager at the University of Utah College of Pharmacy, Pharmacology Department.

This story will be updated as more details are released.”

7 January 2020 Tuesday

It was another exceptionally mild day today in the mid 50’s. Today is the anniversary when I married Fran Fuchs in 1977. She will be 75 years old this year.

            I didn’t do much today other than edit my old journal from 2012. I did sit in the hot tub and am making some bean soup with the ham broth I had from yesterday. I also bought a pizza from Papa Murphy after knowing Kyle Foote and Danny Montoya had pizza yesterday.

            I made a crock pot of bean soup this evening for something to do and began watching Darby O’Gill and the Little People that I don’t think I had seen since I was a child with my parents at the drive-in. I remember the banshee scaring me to death but then I was only 8 years old. I also watched a couple of episodes of Spin and Marty the old Mickey Mouse Club serial that I also had seen as a kid.

            Kyle Foote came home about 9 tonight. He said things don’t seem to be working out with Nathan Vandersteen and he is looking for other work. He went to the same chee-chee dentist in Sugar House today. The same as we went to last summer. I have my dental appointment tomorrow. 

This evening the news reported Iranian Rockets are being fired into an American base in Iraq. I thought people used as an excuse for not voting for Hillary Clinton because she was too hawkish and would lead us into war. I hope the Make America Great Again folks are taking their sons and daughters down to enlist.

Bill Poore wrote: “My gut tells me that the U. S. will do nothing knowing that there would be some response for the killing of the Iranian leader”. I doubt we will do nothing more”. Just a gut level response””

            Then of course Mitch McConnell says he’s going to hear the impeachment in the Senate without any compromise with Senate Democrats.

8 January 2020 Wednesday

My Roseman appointment was at 9 in the morning so I left the house at about 8:30. Jeff worked on filling another cavity and he does it so well. He saved the tooth from having a root canal. I was there until nearly 11 and I encountered a blizzard snow storm on the way home. The snow was really coming down so I didn’t go to the Wednesday Men’s lunch group.

However, at home the snow was just sticking to the lawn. The. Streets and sidewalks were already melted. I am glad I made a crock pot of bean soup yesterday so I could stay in and watch movies. I finished watching Darby O’Gill and the Little People, 101 Dalmatians, tried to watch THX 1138 which I hadn’t seen in nearly 50 years. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now, either.

I have been watching on the Disney Channel the old Mickey Mouse Club's serial Spin and Marty. I had not seen it since I was a kid in the 1950's. The episodes are about 11 minutes long and even though I was only 4 when they premiered in 1955 I am sure watching all these 14 year old boys on a dude ranch turned me Gay. Ollie the ranch hand wrangler was hot! And wore an open buttoned shirt so you could see his hairy chest” The counselor Bill Burnett was the kind nurturing father friend figure. My path was set. Yippee Ki Yi

My comments solicited a variety of responses from my friends. Cole Gilmore wrote: “It was before my time but I had a HUGE crush on Wally Clever (Tony Dow). He was also a diver. Chinos and a short sleeve V-neck? YES SIR!”

Bill Poore commented “Spin and Marty was for sure the beginning of my gay life, just a kid but was totally in love with the boys”. Wally was so hot. I loved it when Wally and the Bev got dressed in their bedroom”

Doug Murri wrote: “Fuck! Really, really was so hot. Who cared about the Beve.”

I responded: “Wally was every gay boy's teen idol” I also liked Tommy Kirk who played in a lot of Walt Disney films like the Shaggy Dog. He was gay in real life.”

Merrill Crosbie said: “Yeah, it is sad how Disney ruined his life because if it. I used to love Bill Bixby in My Favorite Martian. But the one that truly turned me gay was Robert Conrad in Wild Wild West. Those eyes. That chest. That butt!

Doug Murri  then wrote: “It was The Rifleman that did it for me. Chuck Conners shirtless and tight pants had this little Mormon boy fantasizing.” Bill Poore replied, “It was his boy that did it for me.’ PA, do you think I will be big like you?’ ….Chuck started out doing porn… I would have done Mark even though he was just a kid”.Pa he wants to suck my dick”..”

Erick Myers added: “I had a crush on both characters. They seemed so handsome and confident, with an emerging sexual energy that I found stimulating.”

This evening Kyle called and asked if I had any old printers still around because he said Business Depot in Bountiful would give a $50 discount on a new printer if he exchanged one. So, I looked in the movie room closet and found an old printer, copier, scanner combo that I had forgotten about. So, he came home to retrieve it and I asked if I could go with him just to spend some time with him. He bought one that probably isn’t as grand as the one he bought 9 years ago but big enough to do all his school work and any jobs he might get. He told me about the 4 hour interview he had with this one company that he is hopeful for and the homework that he had to do tonight.

On the way home Danny Montoya called and Kyle asked if he wanted to go get something to eat. I don’t know why but my mood changed on a dime. Here Kyle was going out to be with Danny and excluding me again even when he said he would be home tonight because he had so much homework to do.

Kyle could tell my mood shifted and asked what is wrong and initially I didn’t want to open up. I thought why does it matter but he insisted so I told him how I felt excluded every time he is with Danny to the point that I felt like an outsider when I thought we were going to be a family. I said it was wrong for me to put any expectations on him.

He said that Danny and he weren’t much more than fuck buddies because Danny has never even introduced him to his family and that while Kyle wants to meet my needs in reality he said he doesn’t think that way, and that I needed to express myself more when I needed his companionship. He even said I should schedule time with him. I know he didn’t mean to be insensitive, but I felt that I had to compartmentalize time to be with him. It also made me realize that I was not really a high priority in his life right now. 

He said that his 8 years in prison made him want to get as much done now and I said when you were in prison, in a way so was I. I didn’t say that I drove 4 hours to spend time with him at Gunnison and spent every weekend to be with him at Lone Peak and picked him up every day when he was at Fortitude so that I shouldn’t have to schedule time to be with him and that spending time with me shouldn’t be such an effort.

I’ve done all that I can do for Kyle Foote. It’s time to let him go and fly away. 2020 should be the start of new beginnings and the start of new endings.

After he left to be with Danny I drove over to see Brad Hart. I guess I needed to be with someone who wants to be with me. He was working stripping baseboards for a project he was hired to refinish but we hugged and kissed and made a date for this Friday. 

I then went to Ranchitos, I guess, because my emotions made me want to eat and I bought a bean tostado and 3 rolled tacos. At home I barely ate half the tostado and none of the taquitos. I was emotional eating more than being hungry.

At my age I should not be feeling these emotions anymore. Very juvenile. I just don’t know how to stop loving Kyle. Years ago, in therapy I was told that I talked about Kyle like he was a rock star. I guess I still do. I told Kyle while in the car that a lot of my feelings are remnants of mixed emotions about Michael Romero, Billy Bikowski, and John Cunningham. I didn’t say that they were unrequited loves also.  

9 January 2020 Thursday

Today is John Cunningham’s birthday. He would have been 69 years old but I have no recollection of him other than being 20 years old. My back has been so itchy lately really bad and I wonder if I don’t have a rash or hives. It’s very hard to sleep and of course it being on my back it’s difficult to put any anti-itch lotion on it.

            So, I went to the Urgency Care clinic on Redwood Road where the provider there said I had severe dry skin and prescribed Triamcinolone Acetonide Cream. I went to Smith’s in Rose Park to pick up the prescription and also bought some heavy duty moisturizer.

            I took the Honda Fit to the Car Wash today to get some of the road salt off of it and just to be out. I went to Deseret Industries and bought several Tupperware like containers to send food home with Brad Hart when he comes for dinner.

            I made some fruit cake this afternoon with diced prunes, apricots, raisins, cranberries, blueberries, and pecans. I glazed it with a rum sauce.

My stomach hurt a lot today and I don’t know why” from eating too little or feeling gassy. It’s very uncomfortable for sure.

I was also very upset with the pups when I discovered someone had wet on the bed again. I stripped the bed, did a load of laundry, and remade the bed. Then I noticed later one had wet it again. I was more than pissed and they all knew it and I shut them out of the bedroom while I remade the bed for a second time.

Two parole officers came to the house today to ask if Kyle was home and I said he was at work. They asked if he lived here and I said yes and that they could come in if they cared but they didn’t.

            I tried to distance my affection for Kyle Foote today as I have to be careful not to go crazy over something that will never be any more than it is. He had Danny Montoya over gain to spend the night.

10 January 2020 Friday

            Kyle Foote worked from home this morning as I mopped the floors and did up some more wash. I saw that he got his printer set up downstairs. There was snow on the ground this morning, less than an inch and it was off the driveway by the afternoon.

            I was surprised when Kyle asked if I wanted to go to the Home Show down at the Expo Mart in Sandy. I said sure. I said we had to be back by 4:30 however because I need to take Coco home, feed the dogs, and finish dinner for Brad Hart. I made twice baked potatoes, a cheese sauce to go over broccoli and cauliflower, sauté’ some mushrooms and onions, and baked a Marie Callendar peach pie. I waited until his coming over to grill the steaks.

            Before we left for the home show we took TJ down for his last weekly shot. He won’t need to be there again until February 10^th.

            The Home Show didn’t start until 2 so Kyle and I ate at Costa Vida because he was in the mood for something like a Café Rio bowl but I said I didn’t like that place. I don’t care for their rice and that’s all they fill up their bowls with so we ended going to Costa Vida where I had never eaten before.

            I wasn’t very hungry at all and just ordered their tortilla chicken soup which wasn’t very good as the broth was lukewarm and not hot at all. I only ate about half of it. But Kyle was hungry and ate every bit of his. I thought the food was rather expensive too for what we got.

            Kyle is going to spend time with Danny Montoya down in Provo this weekend. He finally opened up about what they had argued about. Kyle said that he could spend Friday and Saturday nights with Danny in Provo but he had to be home Sunday so he could prepare for the coming work and school week. So, I guess that is what they had argued about, but now seem to have worked it out.

            We were at the Home Show for 2 hours walking around looking at all the exhibits but Kyle was mainly interested in the ones that dealt with construction. I took a lot of pictures of him talking to people. For the first time I saw him as a 40 year old man and not the 30 year old I once fell in love with. Strange.

            We were home by 4:30 and he left about 5 and I started finishing dinner for Brad Hart. He came over at 6:30 and I had way too much food for me to eat but he had a good appetite. I guess I still am not very hungry.

            After eating we went into the movie room because the pups had taken over the bedroom. There I kept them out, and we got undressed. He was really tired from his arduous work this week so I gave him a good massage and then we caressed, kissed, and talked for hours about how incredulous it seems that we could find each other and really like each other. At one point he made love to me and we spooned for the longest time after he came. It felt so wonderful to be held again. It would be super easy to fall in love with him and I think I am already a little. Time will tell.

            We were together for 4 hours just being in each other’s company and locked in each other’s embraced when we finally rose from our love bed and went to the kitchen where I fed him the peach pie.

            I made him a carry-out tray of the leftovers, along with the remainder of the pie and a loaf of fruit bread. He said his band Desert Ocean is coming over to practice tomorrow and He will probably get high and eat the whole pie himself when he gets the munchies. That made me laugh. Brad left about 11 taking with him the Autobiography of John D Lee I had up in the closet.

I was in bed myself near midnight feeling loved and satisfied.

I guess Iran accidently shot down the Ukrainian Plane that killed all those people. Here the very same people who want us to bomb Iran couldn't recognize the country on a map if their lives depended on it.

11 January 2020 Saturday

I had breakfast in bed this morning with a scrambled egg, buttered homemade biscuits, and strawberry jam” The pups are all still sound asleep and Buster snores. This is what old age looks like to me” lots of pups, a warm bed, and hot coffee in the morning” I am content.

All 5 pups slept with me last night” must have been cold out for it to be a 5 Dog Night. I think I kept them up too late” I wrote on Face Book I fixed a nice dinner of steak, twice baked potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower in a cheesy sauce and a peach pie for dinner with a “new friend”.

Alan Anderson wanted to know more about this ‘new friend” and I wrote him: “I met this 42 year old house restoration guy right before New Years. He owns a house across from the State Fairgrounds so he’s close by” he’s a dog person, has a cute beard, has his own band Desert Ocean and we have been dating for about 2 weeks” he’s tall, masculine and is attracted to older guys and is really a nice man who just wants to hug and kiss on me” it’s taken me by surprise at my age because I was done wanting to be romantic with anyone” he doesn’t cook and I like having someone to cook for “. The only downside is that when I shut the dogs out so Brad and I can be alone, TJ scratches and cries to be let in during our love making” he’s such a little pest. I really haven't posted anything on line because we’re just taking things one day at a time” we spent New Year’s together” we seem pretty compatible considering our age differences and he’s not involved in the Gay community at all” pretty much a lone wolf” he left the Mormon Church at 15 and hates it” well you are the first person I've really told about Bradley Jim Hart except a little to Kyle Foote but he’s so pre-Occupied with his own boyfriend he’s never even met him yet” so there you go.”

Alan responded, “That is so awesome. So happy for you. Now all of your in-laws need to meet and approve. Lol” and I replied, “He’s kind of shy so it may be a while lol he’s kind of a one on one kind of guy.” Alan wrote back, “I understand. But I hope to meet him someday. Btw, can we bring our brats over next weekend?”

            I said, “He’s on my face book page so you can kind of see him there” picture is not as flattering as in person but then I am bias.” Alan wrote back, “He's very nice looking. Does he have kids? I thought I saw a pic of him and some kids. Speaking of kids, can you dog sit next weekend? Our wine tasting group is going to Mesquite next weekend. How did you meet him?

I answered, “Never been married so I suspect no lol.  I don’t have any plans except spending some time with Brad “ I still have Taco” Jim hasn't come back from Mexico yet. Can you drop them off Sat Morning? Brad comes over for Friday nights as our date night” actually I was bored after Christmas and feeling a little lonely with Kyle Foote and his boyfriend making whoopee downstairs so I went on Silver Daddy site that I hadn't in 10 years just to see what was out there” Brad saw my profile and I said I'd meet him for coffee and the rest is history” I canceled my Silver Daddy account after meeting Brad” I was only on it to meet someone and he really was taken with me so it was kind of fate that we met “ he said he was about to give up meeting anyone because he didn't do just hook ups” so we will see how it goes” it's kind of nice that we are both independent home owners and have our own spaces too” neither one too clingy until we are together”  did I mention he is a top or is that too much information?”

Alan replied, “We leave Friday after work. Let me talk to Kyle. It sounds like it was fate. Happy dance.”

I had a nice lunch with Bill Poore at the Coachmen's restaurant although we first drove clear across town to the Over the Counter Cafe which was packed and the parking lot filled with crazy East side drivers. Because people don’t know how to drive and the parking lot was packed I was boxed in until jackasses decided to back out to let people through. Bill only wanted to eat there out of nostalgia in the first place.  I prefer my less crazy west side of Salt Lake.

After seeing that the Café was packed Bill suggested Coachman’s back over on 13^th and State. So that was a wasted trip as that Over the Counter was on 33^rd South and about 2600 East. But we got to visit and I finally told him about Brad Hart. While eating at Coachman’s the snow really started to come down but wasn’t sticking to the roads. I came home and took about a 2 hour nap” glad to be snuggled in with the pups

I was adventurous ate a bit of a fruit cake bread I made with prunes, dried apricots, raisins, cranberries, blueberries, lemon zest, molasses and rum with toasted almonds in a rum butter glaze” I gave one away to Mike Romero, Brad Hart, and Bill Poore each, as Guinea pigs but it turned out be tasty if a bit heavy” The pups had ground turkey and barley with left over chicken and beef steak for their summer this gloomy wintry day. I had the French dip sandwich Bill bought me that I had brought home from our lunch” Bill wrote me: “Always great to have lunch with you”. We don't seem to judge each other’s crazy doings”.not that I have any but I don't have seven dogs waiting for me when I get home like you do.”

My sister Donna Jones called me out of the blue at about 7 this evening. Her voices was breaking so I knew something was wrong and she cried and said that my brother in law Ken finally passed away. We don't speak often and haven't in probably 4 years” one of the reasons was that Ken kept her estranged from the family. I am sad for her but not that he is gone” we were about the same age “He was mean to my mother when Kenny was born in 1976 and didn’t even come to mom’s funeral in 2011. I can hold a grudge for a very long time “maybe now my sister and I can repair our relationship.

Donna and I were once so very close. I told her after we talked for about a half an hour that I would call her next weekend. Perhaps it’s time we all start talking again. I asked if she wanted me to tell the rest of the family and she said yes. Donna isn’t on Face Book or even has a smart phone. I thought it kind of strange that Ken died over a week ago and Donna is now just reaching out to tell the family. I went on Face Book to start a messenger group with Charline Wachs, Denise Wachs, James Clark, and Stephanie Williams in it to let them know about Ken’s death.

This is what I wrote: I just got off the phone with Donna, her husband Ken Jones passed away January 3rd” There won’t be a funeral “ he is still waiting to be cremated” he’s been sick for the past couple of years and went into the hospital after Christmas “Donna said she thinks it was his heart” he had been morbidly obese for years and refused taking care of himself” She said she probably will retire in April, sell the house, and move Kevin and her to Arizona, not sure where” she seemed to be holding up well just emotional as can be expected. They were married 13 Feb 1975 so were together a long time” just thought I'd let people know her phone number is 1 909 332 4036 address 34931 Date Ave, Yucaipa, CA 92399” she’s not on FB so letting people know.”

Denise wrote: Oh no!!! We will love to have her and Kevin here in Arizona with us.” I replied, “She doesn’t want to be real hot and I told her Northern Arizona isn't too bad but also she needs to be where Kevin can eventually find work as he had been Ken's caretaker all his adult life and actually has no work experience.”

Stephanie wrote: I am so sorry to hear of this. Thank you Ben for letting me know

Kyle posted on his Face book site that this was the anniversary of his mother’s death in 2002.

12 January 2020 Sunday

I slept in until about 6:30 this morning before deciding to get out of bed and make some coffee. The pups sure have been sleeping-in with me lately. I fixed for breakfast hash, an egg, and some of the biscuits I made yesterday.

            Roy Zang called to visit and remind me about the business meeting next Sunday. He’s a little discouraged about how little helpful some of the non-Gay people at the Center have been about getting us on the Calendar after many requests. If you are not a Tran or Person of Color they are not interested in helping. I said to Roy “Liberation means we get to define ourselves and not defined by others” I am a Gay man” I am not an LGBT “ sexual orientation is my tribe and my identity””

Kyle Foote came home about 11 this morning from being with Danny Montoya in Provo.

I ordered some flowers through Pro-Flowers to be delivered to my sister Donna this Tuesday but didn’t do much else today until Kyle asked if I wanted to go with him out the Daybreak to fix the latch on TJ Otaka and Jim McMullins microwave. Of course, I said yes and we were out there by 2 this afternoon. We took the Honda Fit as I figured Kyle had put enough miles on his Rogue going down to Provo for the weekend. There were flurries of snow falling out there.

TJ was under the weather with some type of cold and we were only there about an hour while Kyle fixed it. TJ and I visited about John Bennett’s death. I guess they became really acquainted with him as part of the Gay men’s movie group. I speculated that John may have taken his own life as no one is posting what he died from and no mention of an illness or accident. John had bouts of depression. But I just don’t know.

Back at the house I cooked Kyle Foote the 3^rd steak I had left over from Friday’s dinner with some grilled red peppers and Spanish rice. I mixed some hamburger into the Spanish rice and that is what I had for my supper.

I called Brad Hart this evening just to see how he was doing. I guess his drummer for his band Deserts Ocean is being flakey and didn’t show up for rehearsals yesterday.  So, he’s contemplating if he even wants to keep a band together anymore which is more of a hobby for him then makes him any money. I just wanted him to know I was thinking of him.

I just watched a few episodes of Netflix’s Lost in Space before calling it a day.

Kyle said he will need some help paying for his General Contractor’s license that he working towards this month. I am investing in his future and I hope he makes a good life for himself.

13 January 2020 Monday

I didn’t know it was going to snow for most of the day.  I stayed in for most of it and was able to reconstruct the missing month of December from my 2012 Journal. I was able to get into my old Face Book account under Ben Williams and pull off all my posting for that month so my 2012 Journal is complete once more.

Bill Poore asked if I wanted to go to his brothers this Thursday or Friday and I said Thursday would be better.   Then Chuck Whyte asked if I would give him a ride to John Bennett's Service on next Sunday. I said sure and would pick him up at 4:30

I know what I am fixing for Brad Hart this Friday, Chili Rellenos. Here’s the recipe 1/2 cup flour, 1-1/2 cup milk, 4 eggs some salt and pepper mix till blended. Use a 9X12 pan (greased) pour some of the mixture into the bottom. Stuff 5-6 chilies with Monterey jack cheese and place in pan pour the rest of the mixture over the top. Add grated cheese (cheddar, mozzarella or a mixture of both) bake at 350 for 50 minutes remove and let rest for 10 min. and serve. I added chopped chilies to the mixture and a little taco seasoning for a kick. But not necessary.

14 January 2020 Tuesday

I went and took the Honda Fit down to the carwash as it seemed the roads were good at 11:30 but when I was done, it started to snow a little. I went to the Glendale Smith’s and bought some groceries and there they had some apples and pie crusts on sale so I decided to make Brad Hart a pie. I even went to Deseret Industries and found a smaller 8 inch pie dish.

            At home it snowed consistently for the rest of the afternoon at least an inch or more. I baked the pie and cooked up some chicken and pork for the pups future meals.

            Mike Romero said the roads were bad so he came and picked up Coco and I fed him some Clam Chowder while feeding the hound’s grilled steak.

            After he left, I drove over to Brad’s and delivered him his pie. It was just an excuse to hug him.

            The Democratic Debate was tonight. I didn’t bother to watch. I don’t care who gets the nomination this summer because I will vote for him or her no matter what.

            My stomach was upset for much of the day and nothing I could eat seems to settle it. After going to bed, I became so nauseous I even vomited but I didn’t have anything on my stomach to come up.

15 January 2020 Wednesday

I was able to sleep in until after 7 this morning and made some oatmeal and coffee for breakfast. Kyle Foote came up to get some milk for Danny Montoya who spent the night and he gave me a long hug since I didn’t see him at all yesterday. He has a doctor’s appointment with Stoneburner in the late afternoon.

            While working on sending Daniel Cureton my Journal from 2012 I completely spaced off Lulubelle’s grooming at 9 this morning so I had to make another appointment for next week on the 22^nd at 10.

            At noon I went to the Gay Men’s Sack Lunch at the Pride Center but there were few of us, just Paul Milne, Dwight Wood, a new guy named John, and myself. Since the new guy was just coming back into the community after ending a long term relationship we mostly talked about activities that were out there where he could meet people.

            I made some red Italian meat and mushroom sauce with bowtie noodles for some lunch but found it was too hard to digest so I gave most of it away to Mike Romero but saved some for Kyle but when he came home from a long day he just wanted some clam chowder.

            Jim Dabakis called about 7:30 and said he was back in Salt Lake and was at the airport. He came by to gather up Taco Belle and the pup was so excited to see Jim. I think that really made Jim happy. He said that he’s leaving in 5 days for about 10 days so Taco will be back soon.  I told Jim that he needs to put me down as a contact number for the Dog Park so I could take him in if ever needed. He agreed.

            Kyle might have a job at Jim’s place because I guess there’s issues with his basement bathroom over on B Street. I don’t know if Kyle appreciates how my reputation opens doors for him but he gave me a long hug before going to bed.

            Articles of Impeachment were sent the Republican Senate by Pelosi where McConnell will try to obstruct justice.

16 January 2020 Thursday

            Bill Poore came over about 11:30 this morning for me to take him up to Layton to see his brother on his brother’s 73^rd birthday and retrieve some walking canes that Bill was offered at Christmas but wouldn’t take until he stopped being pig headed and realized he needed something to be more steady on his feet .

He brought a Marie Calendar Banana Cream Pie for his brother and I gave them a loaf of banana nut bread I had made. We had a nice visit while Ross was watching the Impeachment proceedings.

On the way home Bill and I stopped at Popeye Chicken to pick up some lunch. I don’t know how many years it’s been since eating at a Popeye. I do like their chicken better that Kentucky Fried. I ordered their chicken sandwich which was pretty good of what I could eat of it.

Some of Kyle Foote’s tools from Rehab came today so he was excited about that.

I cooked a pot of pinto beans tonight to turn into refried beans tomorrow for dinner with Brad. I think Friday is going to be out date nights.

17 January 2020 Friday

There was supposed to have been a major snow storm during morning rush hour with even the state offices having a late start at 10, but we didn’t get all that much here in Westpointe. Kyle Foote left early just in case to take his AGC Pre-Licensure Education tests. He has to do that before he can take his General Contractor’s exams tomorrow.

I was working on cleaning up my 2011 Journal when about 8:30 the power went off. Don't you love it when the power goes off after you’ve have been editing on the computer for 2 hours and your morning work is undone and lost? Rich Butler suggested I buy something called a UPS uninterrupted power supply and surge protector back-up that would keep my computer from shutting down during a power outage. So, I ordered one on Amazon.

Oh well I just went back to a warm bed and cuddled with 4 pups until the power came back on which wasn’t very long. But by then I was not motivated to start over again and stayed off the computer for the rest of the day.

Instead, I watched episodes of Grace and Frankie, AJ and the Queen, and "The Healing Powers of Dude", all are Netflix shows. AJ and the Queen is a RuPaul series with lots of drag queens and Dude is about a boy and his emotional support dog.

When I was pulling out of the driveway, I saw old man Hall from next door snow blowing my sidewalks and driveway. That was kind of him and since I had some banana nut bread I gave him a loaf to show my appreciation.

Not knowing what the conditions of the roads would be, I was way early for my dentist appointment at Roseman. The roads were fine and dry all the way down to 106000 South so it was just a morning storm. 

My appointment was at 1 and I was in the dentist chair until 2:30 but Jeff managed to save another tooth from having a root canal. I have another appointment for next Wednesday on the 22^nd at 9 in the morning.

It was a really lovely day after this morning” crystal blue skies against the snow covered Wasatch Range”

Back at the house Kyle was done with his quizzes and was inventorying the tools he received from the state rehabilitation office. He has nearly $3000 worth of construction equipment and tools. He was also excited that he won three $25 gift cards for being the fastest guy in his Division of Professional Licensing DOPL test prep class to get 100% on all the test prep questions. He said when he won his 2^nd $25 gift card, the class was starting to get mad at him for doing so well” With the 3^rd win he swept the field and won the contest for all 3 sections of the test prep. He said he feels really prepared to pass his General contractor's license exam tomorrow!

I finished fixing a Mexican dinner for Kyle and Brad Hart. I made chili rellenos, shredded pork tacos, Spanish rice, and homemade refried beans. I guess they were good as I only had a bite. I wasn’t hungry.

Brad came over at 6:30 in the evening and met Kyle for the first time and Kyle ended up staying and eating more then he thought he would” but then they both had home construction in common.

Kyle said he was super tired and probably was, from getting his AGC Pre-licensure Education Course Certificate for 30 hours that he did all week and so went down to his room about 7. I told him I was proud of him.

Brad and I went into the movie room to cuddle on the single bed, away from the pups although TJ scratched and cried to come in the whole time. We got naked and hugged and kissed and eventually Brad wanted to fuck me. I had olive oil as lube and it was the first time he said he had ever used it and was at first skeptical. I said trust this old hippie and he was pleasantly surprised by the sensation.

Afterwards we just held each other and got to know each other better sharing more about our lives and upbringing. He had a very rough childhood with a strict Mormon father who was already 44 years old when Brad was born. 

We talked about where our relationship was heading and I said I wanted to call him my boyfriend, even though with no connotations or expectations of that word. He said he was comfortable about that and it was awesome that it was so easy for us to talk and share our thoughts. It was the first time I’ve had “pillow talk” in a very long time.

We talked about me being a Faerie in a sense of being in tune with nature and the seasons and he said that as a gardener himself it made sense to him.

It was nearly 11:30 when we rose from each other’s arms. I nearly fell asleep in them but Brad had never actually spent the night sleeping with anyone so after feeding him some more I sent him home to his bed near midnight. I think I am falling in love with this man.

Before leaving Brad gave me two of his CDs. Desert Oceans is his current band and Sego lily is a compilation of songs he did solo” guess what I will be listening to during Saturday house chores?

            In the news it’s been widely reported about Gov. Herbert putting the kibosh on the whole condom HIV prevention campaign because of the risqué slogans on the packages.

            I heard there was a standing room only crowd at the First Baptist Bingo night and $3020 was raised for the Volunteers of America Homeless Youth Resource Center and also the audience brought in a mountain of food for Lunches of Love (sack lunches for homeless youth). Way to go.

18 January 2020 Saturday

I went with Kyle Foote around noon to Lowe’s in Bountiful where he looked at storage units for all his tools he received from the state. I bought for him two shelf cabinets and other shelving stuff for around $250 and some mice traps as he had seen some mice downstairs.

            He went off to take his General Contractor’s test for his license in the afternoon but for me it was kind of a lazy afternoon as I was still rather tired from last night’s monkey business with Brad Hart. I sent him a message this morning saying, “Thanks for a sweet evening” I hope you slept well” you make me happy”  Ben.” 

            Kyle came home about 5:30 and said he passed his General Contractor test so we went to Charlie Chows to celebrate “It’s a totally different dinner crowd than lunch with Bill Poore and there was no egg rolls on the dinner menu.  It was actually kind of busy for an early dinner crowd..

I was not impressed with our waiter who never came back and checked up on us the entire time we were there. I ordered a cup of hot and sour soup and also ordered some shrimp which were overly bread and under cooked so tasted doughy” I ate the soup but took the shrimp home.

Kyle ordered the Orange Chicken and also a cup of egg drop soup. He only ate the soup and about six pieces of chicken the rest we took home for the pups. It was a pile of food but we are such light weights. A cup of soup probably would have been enough for either of us but it was all good. Our meal came to $29 and I left a $5 tip as the waiter didn’t deserve more.

Kyle was tired, mentally exhausted, so we didn’t linger afterwards but came back home so he could rest and unwind. He caught a mouse in the trap he set.

I sent Mike Romero a message asking if he would take Lulubelle in for her grooming this Wednesday as I double booked that day by having a dental appointment in the same morning.

19 January 2020 Sunday

Today would have been my dad’s 95th birthday. It was a pretty day out, clear skies and lots of snow on the mountains.

            I told Roy Zang I would attend the Utah Queer Historical Society’s business meeting today at 1 so I did. However first I brought the Orange Chicken left over from last night over to Brad Hart just to drop by and see him and then I did a little grocery shopping at the Glendale Smith’s market before heading to the Pride Center.

            A woman from the historical preservation committee attended to talk about creating a walking tour of Gay sites in Salt Lake. We also discussed what to do with people who are consistently absent and having business cards for the society. I said that I would work with Daniel Cureton as soon as we have business cards to contact collegiate history departments to inform this about our resources and would contact Owen Edwards if he still wanted to be a part of the committee and suggested that the monthly lecture oratories be expanded to discuss historical places and events.

            The meeting lasted until 3 in the afternoon and then I went and had the Honda FIT washed to get the grime off. It was so busy there that I will never go again on a Sunday. Cars were in line backed out to 3^rd West.

            I went and picked Chuck Whyte up at 4:30 to go attend John Bennett's memorial service at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church on 9^th East. I had never been in the building before. The entire church was packed with John’s family, former coworkers, and his friends. The service was lovely and his cousin Janna, Michael Aaron, and Robert Hall a friend of his spoke. The Salt Lake Men’s Choir sang. It was a nice tribute.

            We sat next to Dan Fahndrich and there were a lot of the old guard Gay folks from our activism days attending.         From listening to people and not trying to be crass I deduced that John took his own life.

            In the reception hall it was lined with John’s glass art work and lots of his photographs. There was a sign saying take any photos you wanted so I gathered up a dozen or more of the photos of people that I doubt anyone else would have recognized like scenes from the 1987 March on Washington, and pictures of Curtis Jensen, Joe Dewey, and Val Mansfield. I took them for the historical society and Stan Rovig, who was John’s close friend says he has a lot more of John’s pictures he will donate.

I posted on Face book a picture of him I took at the 2003 at Gay Pride Day during a happier time. He maybe didn't know the impact he made on this community over his life. He was a good guy.

I was home by 7 this evening after dropping Chuck off at his place. I noticed that he didn’t look all that well and that his hands had the trembles. He’s let his appearance go probably from being isolated.

 As it was dad’s birthday and I said I would check in on my sister Donna, I called her and later Charline. I haven’t talked with them in ages” I was just checking in and now that Ken Jones is dead maybe Donna and I can reconnect again. Charline said that Dennis is in poor health but not in dire straits that Denise implied at Christmas.

This morning before going off to the Pride Center, Jim Dabakis brought Taco Belle back over to be with the pack for about 10 days while he squires friends from the Argentine around Southern California. He said that someone made an outrageous offer on his townhouse on B Street in the Avenues that he and Steve accepted and they will have to be out by March. They have another home in Millcreek area I guess will be their Utah resident for a while.

20 January 2020 Monday

Today is Martin Luther King Holiday but when one is retired all days are holidays. It was gloomy, damp and overcast for most of the day but not with an inversion. It’s just mid-winter weather.

            My hot tub is giving me fits again. I can’t seem to get it to warm up past 86 degrees even though I have tried to get it back up to 104. I guess I will have to call Soaker’s again to come out and look at it.

            I was kind of expecting Kyle Foote to come home today but he’s still with Danny Montoya down in Provo.

            I made a pot of Cream of broccoli and ham soup this morning and took some over to Mike Romero in the afternoon. We visited a little about his retirement plans which I guess will be in June 2021. I also took Coco back to the house so she could play with the pups until Mike came over later to retrieve her.

            I didn’t do a whole lot today. Roy Zang chair of the Utah Queer Historical Society has been talking to me a lot about his frustrations with dealing with Connell O’Donovan’s ego. I commiserated having dealt with it for over 30 years. Connell can be quite brilliant but he does nothing without wanting complete recognition. I told Roy that Connell is one who will never set up chairs for an event but always wants to be the center of attention. Oh well. We all have our quirks.

            I was lying in bed this evening, about 6, when Brad Hart called me and asked if he could come over and I said certainly. I was thrilled that he asked to come over instead of me asking him because it showed to me that he enjoys being with me.

            He was disappointed when I told him that the hot tub was not heating up because he had wanted to soak but I took him into the movie room and gave him a good back massage as he said he was kind of sore from working on an old door for a restoration project he’s being paid for. We kissed and hugged and then made love. This time I just laid on my stomach and let his full weight lay on me as he penetrated me.  I love his love making.    I still can’t believe that at my age I am finding love again.

            When we held each other in the afterglow, I asked if he was hungry and he was so we got dressed, went to the kitchen and I fed him the soup and some Italian Ziti dish I had bought yesterday and cooked up earlier.

            Brad stayed until 9:30 with us talking. I Found out he really likes Star Wars. Then I sent him home so we could both rest and I could go to bed.

            What a pleasant evening being made love to by a good hard working soul.

21 January 2020 Tuesday

I called Soakers on the hot tub to find out why it stays at 88 degrees when I try to increase the temperature back up. Somehow they said I had evidently put my hot tub on a “sleep mode” but after calling Gordon Richard, my hot tub guy, about it, he was able to tell me how to reset it by pushing the temperature button and the light button. Who knew? “ So, It went back up to 104! Yippee. So, I am a happy camper again. I added some fix-a-leak to the water also to help seal any small leaks.

I made some Homemade chicken enchiladas and Spanish rice for lunch but of course I ate very little of it. I only heard from Kyle Foote a little bit this afternoon when he messaged me. I was wondering as I thought he had to be back to work after yesterday’s holiday or start his online classes at Indiana State.

I was antsy being home alone and missing Brad Hart and Kyle so I was debating with myself if I really want to go out this evening to the Pride Center for the Tuesday Men’s group” Sometimes you have to blast me out of the house and out of my rocking chair” but I felt I needed to stop isolating so I put my pants on and went. I was glad I did but don’t think I will make a weekly habit of it.

Paul Milne from SAGE was asked to share stories from his life which was interesting. He was raised until a teen in the Fort Union area with an abusive Mormon dad but then moved off to Chicago where he came out, then to California, then after meeting his lover of 22 years, finally to Florida where his partner died of a heart attack. Having to start over again he returned to Utah. His long term relationship started a discussion about why it’s hard to find Gay men who want a relationship and not just sex. This one guy, who I think must just be coming out as he claims to be bi-sexual, was very critical of the “Gay community” which he treated as a monolith just wanting hook ups and not relationships. He sounded really bitter, and frankly full of internalized homophobia.

Of course, I kept trying to explain that Gay can mean anything and not to lump everyone together when most of his experiences with meeting people is on the grindr app. However, at the end of the meeting I went up to him and hugged him and several other mature guys which I think physical touch was what a lot were craving as seniors. It was what John Reeves used to call “Doing my Ben thing.”

Dwight Wood said he’s been on Silver Daddies after I told him that I had met Brad Hart through that app. He was pleased.

The GOP is running the Senate’s impeachment of trump like National Socialism ran Germany, lie after lie, no witnesses and a predetermined verdict”

Bill Poore has been posting reminisces on his Face Book page. I already heard his stories many times but I am glad he is sharing them.

“Just remembered one night while working at the Helen Hayes Theatre on Broadway, I was locking the theatre up for the night and there was a loud knocking at the door”. I yelled at the person we were closed”. She would not give up, finally she put her fingers in cheeks and did that big smile thing”. “It is me Shirley MacLaine”.

There was a cab out front waiting for her “I opened the door and she said, “I could not find Bunny Slippers for Harvey but got these cute Pig Slippers”. Tell him I am sorry.” She was referring to Harvey Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy”. I thanked her and sent her on her way”.it was way cold outside”.

I have so many just one on one stories with major stars I met while working at the Helen Hayes (formerly Little Theatre) where Merv Griffin first did his show”. The first time I was at the that theatre was while I was in the Coast Guard on liberty and I met Merv when he got out of his limo, didn't know at the time he was gay, and I was really cute. He flirted with me and told me to come and see his show “Bob Hope was his guest. He invited me back stage but I just left when the show was over. I wonder what he wanted.

The second time at that theatre after I got out of college, my lover and I went to see my friend Stephen Joyce in The Runner Stumbles”. And within a few months I was hired by my friend Billie Joyce as the box office assistant “full union gig “it started a ten year career at that theatric was a young guy, the youngest treasurer on Broadway.

I was making great money and an entire world opened up to me “Fire Island for 3 summers “an entire book could be written just about that period”. OH, I need to stop”

One book could be about everyone I met, major stars,' and, Tony Awards, the other one would be sex, drugs and rock n roll.

I have always thought it was really strange about my history with that theater always felt I had been there most of my life. I need to go back and visit that theatre”. Sardis was next door”. I met so many stars there”. Elizabeth Taylor with Lillian Hellman, Liz was starring in Lillian's play”. Two giants and the list goes on,,

oh, I am ramblings. Then there was the night I walked Rock Hudson backstage to meet Harvey. Rock was really drunk “go figure… and a few years later he died of AIDS, I’m rambling again”

Ok another Broadway story”. For the ladies”. My bosses on Gemini were the producers of Landford Wilsons play "Fifth of July" it starred Christopher Reeves. Actually, casting him was a mistake. I told the producers that over and over again, they did not listen.

Chris had just done Super Man plus a couple of other films so they wanted a star “so here is the story “opening night was Ok (the critics killed Christopher) He was a really sweet guy and it really took the wind out of him, he just couldn't carry the show.

Opening night party was exciting, reviews not out yet “so here we go. I had to go to the bathroom. I had just started and the door opened and Chris walks in and goes to the urinal next to me “he smiles and say hi, well I almost shit my pants.

So here we are, me and Superman next to me”.do I look or not? All I can say is Chris was truly a Super Man”. This of course was before his accident.

The play survived Chris's bad reviews. It became a real hit after Richard Thomas took over and the producers had it re-reviewed”. Richard was perfect for the part”. Really a sweet guy as well”. I never stood next to him in the bathroom, however. I always had a thing for John Boy. Goodnight John Boy.”

22 January 2020 Wednesday

I think 3:30 is way too early to get up but I did anyway.  So, I made some buttermilk biscuits, had coffee, and typed on the computer and rested before heading down to Roseman Dental School appointment at 9 to have another cavity to fill.

I tried my best to eat 2 buttered biscuits with apricot jam but one was all I managed” The biscuit I ate was good however with my hot coffee, and if I'd had more time I would have made milk gravy which would have been just the ticket on this wet gloomy morning.

Mom always made the best milk gravy using bacon drippings and she would splatter it all over the breakfast plate and not just the biscuits. To this day I like a bit of gravy over my fried egg.

It was raining this morning kind of a drizzle but better than snow. The weather condition made the Utah drivers go crazy and traffic was really heavy going on down.

            Jeff and Spencer worked on me and I didn’t get done until nearly 11 this morning. I made another appointment for February 18^th at 9 when Jeff returns from some clinic work down in San Diego.

            Mike Romero had to take Lulubelle in for her grooming which was at 10 so after getting a cavity filled, I swung by home to bring some deviled eggs I made yesterday to the Gay men's sack lunch. I stopped for gas along the way I filled the tank up for exactly $20 at $2.31 a gallon.

It was a small group again with Paul Milne, Doug, Kim, Dwight wood and myself. Dwight confirmed that John Bennett had killed himself. Stan Rovig told him that he had read John’s suicide note and that he killed himself on purpose using heroin. I guess he was majorly depressed and his new job was being very critical of him.

After lunch at 1, I swung back to the house to take Taco down to the Dog Park to get his nails trimmed while picking Lulubelle up from the beauty parlor. Taco was not happy “ screaming and twisting around while groomer tried to cut his nails” I was so embarrassed for Jim Dabakis” now everybody's home and happy”.

I then went myself to get a haircut at the Vietnamese barber shop I go to down the street next to the Post Office. The man I usually go to went back to Vietnam for 5 weeks so I had his daughter give me a trim. I needed it but I kept my beard longer. Brad Hart the other days suggested he’s like to see me in a longer beard. While we were chatting away, she commented how people in Asia are worried about the new virus coming out of China that has infected two people in the U.S. one in Seattle and one in Houston.

At the house I fed the Dogs rotisserie chicken because I didn't have time to cook anything. They didn't seem to mind. I've been listening to Brad Hart's Sego Lily CD in the Honda FIT as I drove around today” he sings and plays the guitar on a solo disc ”He’s so talented”

When I took Coco home I also gave Michael Romero the chicken enchiladas I made yesterday. I wasn’t going to eat them and Kyle Foote is still not back home.

I didn’t want to sit home alone watching TV so I decided to attend Chad Anderson's Voices Heard at the Marmalade Library “I know a lot of creative people” they make my life rich in experiences not in things. I love people more than things “always have.

I feel so hip going out on a winter night in SLC to hear a selection of storytelling by some incredible writers “kind of like the NPR’s Moth Hour “heard stories of a tragic car accident, a teenage rock star wannabe, a gay Mormon boy at a Scout Camp, a review of 1963 experiences through music, a mother dealing with an autistic child, and the value of swearing” story telling is as old as time itself

            I sent Brad Hart a short message to let him know I was missing him, “I've been listening to Sego Lily in my car while driving around running errands “. You are so talented and I love hearing your voice”  Ben” thinking of you.”  He responded, “I’m so glad you’re enjoying it!” and I added, “I am but not as much as I enjoy you.”

Terry Jones one of the creators of Monty Python died at the age of 77. He was a Comedic genius.

23 January 2020 Thursday

I woke up at 1:30 this morning after going to bed near 9:30 last night and couldn’t get back to sleep. I am not sure why my sleep schedule is so out of whack. I had a dream that I was upset with Kyle Foote for not spending more time with me. Almost like I was being discarded.

It made me think why Kyle, during the past week, couldn’t have called me to just visit with me and share what is going on in his life. I mean I get it that he wants to spend a lot of time with Danny Montoya but aren’t I at least worth a phone call to see how I am doing” just to keep in touch? 

Last Tuesday evening he sent a message saying “Just checking in with you. I'm not dead LOL.” What am I? His probation officer? I just replied, “I was worried. Have fun,” which really didn’t address how I was feeling. He then wrote back, “No reason to worry. I'll send you a message on Face book if I die. LOL. It's just Danny's birthday week so I'm staying with him.”

Again, I just said without any recrimination, “Tell him happy birthday.”  I am sure Kyle thought, that by that brief response, it showed I was placated so he wrote back, “He says thank you. I'll probably be home Thursday evening. Things are going very well this week.”  It kind of made me wonder if it was Danny who prompted him to even contact me.”  So, I wrote back, “I am happy for you” take care.”  Less than 50 words were all I meant to him.

It was 3 in the morning before I went back to bed.

Then this morning at 8, Kyle wrote me, “I'm still alive, well, and with Danny. I'll be home sometime this evening around 9. It feels like I've been gone forever!  But then I realized it's only been 4 nights. Still, I'm very much looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again and seeing you and the pups. Miss you!”

I’m not sure whether he does or not. I simply wrote back, “I miss you too. Hope you and Danny are having a nice time.” I didn’t want him to read too much into how I am actually feeling neglected. Why I am not sure. Old drama queen I suppose.

Then he sent another message, “We are, although I'm glad he has work tomorrow. I'm ready for a break from him. His birthday was yesterday. I'll tell you all about our week tomorrow.”

            I went to the Glendale Smith’s to get some groceries and then took the Honda FIT to the car wash to get some of the road grime off before heading back home. I cooked a roast for the pup’s supper and made sloppy Joes for my lunch.

            In the afternoon I sent a message to Brad Hart saying, “Looking forward to hot tubbing and dinner date tomorrow” I hope you are too “can’t wait to see you soon,  Ben, have a wonderful day.” He wrote back that he’s looking forward to it too.

            At 6 this evening, TJ Otaka messaged Kyle and I saying, “It seems I survived my first night-out yesterday. (20 days for the first time since I last went outside.) As we said, we'd like to have brunch with you this Sunday. Are you available? As it is a lunar New Year weekend, we are thinking about Chinese at Red Maple on 47th south just west of I-215. Does this work for you guys? If you prefer a regular brunch, we can do that instead.”

I responded, “This Sunday won’t work for me as I have several commitments but Kyle might be able” after all he did all the work.”

Kyle wrote, “I'm available, but I'm happy to wait until Ben is also available. He was a critical part to the success of the project after all.”

TJ said “We agree. Ben is a busy man. How about 2/2? Are you both available?”. Both Kyle and I said that would probably work.

I spent some of the evening mopping up pee spots that I have kind of let go since I’ve been the only one home.

I sent an article to Kyle that the SL Tribune wrote about the jail system housing prison inmate. Kyle wrote, “That's very interesting. Though nothing new to you or me. It's a sad system.”

            I’ve been editing my 2011 Journal to send to Daniel Cureton. It is very difficult to reconcile the Kyle from back then to the man he is now. It’s kind of disconcerting. Am I still under a kind of “tormented enchantment”?

24 January 2020 Friday

            Kyle Foote worked from home this morning and he came into my room to say good morning. So, I got up and went into the front room. Kyle could tell I was a little shut down emotionally and he must have realized that I was upset from being ignored. He placated me by saying that he missed being home with the pups and that Danny Montoya is “a lot of work”.

Well Danny just turned 28 and Kyle is 40. About the same ages as Jeff Workman and I were nearly 30 years ago and Jeff wore me out.  Kyle let me hug him and he said he loved me. I suppose he does as much as he can.

            He had to hurry off to work so I started planning for Brad Hart and my date tonight. It was drizzling all morning as I went to the store and worked around the house. It seems weird that in January it’s raining and not snowing.

 I made baked macaroni and cheese, beans and polish sausage, cauliflower broccoli medley, summer squash, and baked a Marie Callendar Razzleberry pie.

            The solar panel company people, that Kyle had talked to at the Home Show Expo last month, was schedule to come out at 3. Kyle was home from going to lunch with his sister Jami Fultz by then but the guy that came out was over more like 4 in the afternoon. 

Kyle went over all the details while I stayed with the unhappy pups in the projector room. After reviewing what my electric bill has been, Kyle seemed to think that it was worth having Solar panels installed on the roof with a substantial tax credit next year. So, I agreed to do it and Kyle said he would re-roof the house because it needed it. Except for the roofing material, there wouldn’t be any upfront money, just a monthly payment for the next 25 years but I will be dead by then. My monthly payment will be around $150 a month but my electric bill supposed will be minimal.

            Mike Romero came over to pick up Coco and he seemed to think it was a good decision too, after he had looked into it for his townhouse but it wasn’t feasible for him.

            Brad Hart came over at 6:30 this evening for dinner and Kyle decided not to eat with us but took off. I am sure he found someone else to amuse him because he was gone all night. Perhaps Danny called.

            After eating, Brad and I relaxed in the hot tub for a bit where I rubbed his feet as the jets soothed us but when he began to get over heated we got out, dried off and went and laid on the twin bed in the movie room. We have to be in there because TJ cries and scratches wanting to be with me in my bedroom.

We relaxed sharing some of our thoughts. I gave him another back massage with olive oil and after a while he was hard and mounted me. I love our love making. He is gentle yet powerful and we are so sexually compatible that it is kind of rare.

After he was spent we canoodled in the afterglow. I had to teach him what the word meant because I don’t think Utahns know that word. We talked about how pot had changed in potency over the years since I smoked a joint 30 years ago. He was worried that if I ever came over to smoke with him at his place that it would be too strong for this lightweight. So, my fantasy of growing old, wearing floppy hats, and smoking pot probably is just that a fantasy.

Reluctantly we got dressed and went back into the kitchen where Brad ate two slices of pie. He likes pie. Then we went back to the love bed and canoodled some more just having pillow talk and holding each other.  I could tell he was really relaxed and I was so close to falling asleep with my head on his chest that we agreed he should go home before he fell asleep here. So, Brad left a little after 11 and I was finally able to climb in bed with the pups.

I had a sweet time and Brad asked me to not cut my beard for six months. He wants me to grow it longer. We will see.

25 January 2020 Saturday

The Asian New Years starts today and it’s the Year of the Rat. The human-to-human transmission of a new SARS-like coronavirus is spreading because of the traveling for the Chinese New Year so they say. Body temperature checks are being held at international airports.

            I didn’t do a whole lot today. I am a little tired from yesterday’s amorous date night with Brad Hart. I wrote him, “Hey I know you are at a client's but just wanted you to know how wonderful you make feel and am grateful that you have included me in your life. Each time we are together I feel closer and closer to you” I hope you enjoy our date nights as much as I do” thinking of you this morning and feeling content” love you.”  He replied, “I do enjoy our date nights and look forward to them. I’m glad to know you, Ben.”  

            Around 5 in the afternoon I wrote him again just to be sharing with him, “I am going to the theater tonight again at the last minute with a friend whose husband doesn’t want to go” I was telling you last night about being a surrogate theater spouse lol and here I am again lol seeing Fiddler on the Roof at the Eccles” hope you had a productive and you rest up this Sunday.. love Ben.”

Alan Anderson asked me this morning to go to the Eccles Theater with him to see Fiddler on the Roof since Kyle Daniels had debate today with his high school students and was too tired to go.  I agreed even though it’s not my favorite so Alan wouldn’t have to go alone and lose the money he spent on the ticket.

Alan and I went to Chubby’s for dinner before the show and we visited about what is going on in our lives. We talked about Brad Hart and Kyle Foote and he said that several friends were concerned about Kyle moving back in with me.  Maybe they should be for the more Kyle withdraws from me the more I become obsessive over him.

At the theater, John Williams’ family, who inherited the seats right in front of us sat in the 1^st row. I met his sister Susannah tonight which I thought was awkward for me having visited in Draper with the man who killed her brother.

Some relations of John set in front of us and they were rather trashy I thought…These 3 women came in after the opening number, making clattering noises with the high heels. One kept coughing throughout the play and I thought oh great…another reason not to go out in crowds. In fact, there seemed to be a lot of hacking going on in the audience.

The show was well performed but really isn’t one of my favorite musicals. Does that make me anti-Semitic? During the intermission these same broads came in again after the show started and clattered in front of us. They seemed very privileged and only concerned about themselves. To top it off, this tall guy with bushy hair sat in front of me blocking my view for most of the night but I wasn’t too upset because like I said it’s not one of my favorite musicals. It didn’t help that it was a 3 hour long musical and I was getting very uncomfortable with my stomach starting to hurt and my butt sitting too long in one position.

The musical was over at 11 and we made it back to the car quite quickly. However, because Alan had parked on the 5^th Floor it took 15 minutes just waiting for cars to empty out before we could leave the parking terrace. I hate sitting because I like to keep on moving. So, it wasn’t the most pleasant theater experience tonight, a lot probably from me being tired.

It was kind of foggy here in the Rose Park area tonight which surprised me and it was 11:30 at night by the time Alan dropped me off.

When I looked at Face Book after coming home from the musical, I saw that Bill Poore finally responded to the message I had left him last Thursday. He wrote, “I just saw this, would love to go to lunch”. When?  I have not felt well, doctors found some serious issues with me and it makes me tired.  I don't go out much.  How are you doing?.” It was too late at night to respond back so I went to bed around midnight.

Kyle Foote is probably out with Danny Montoya as he left Friday without saying where he was going which is kind of inconsiderate and I haven’t heard a word since. I don’t know why I thought I would. I don’t think he’s built to be too considerate that way. Either you love people as they are or you don’t I suppose.

I wanted to save this Meat Loaf Recipe that is supposed to be like Cracker Barrel’s. It just sounded good and maybe I will make it for Brad for our next date night.

            2 pounds lean ground beef, 1 small finely diced onion, 1/2 cup finely diced bell pepper (optional), 1 1/2 sleeves of crushed Ritz crackers, 4 oz. shredded sharp cheddar or Colby cheese, 3 eggs, 1/2 cup milk, 1 tsp. salt, 1/4 tsp. black pepper, For the topping:

1/2 to 3/4 cup ketchup, 2 tbsp. brown sugar, 1 tsp. mustard

26 January 2020 Sunday

Things I need to do this week. Today, go to the Pride Center for a Pride Day meeting, Monday night go see another musical at Hillcrest High School, Tuesday take TJ down to get his teeth looked after and I also have to take the Sonoma in to get it registered before the month is out.

I was up way too early for having gone to bed at midnight. I had things to do today so I thought I better start moving. I brought Brad Hart over a jar of beef stew before picking up Chuck Whyte. We visited some and he showed me what he’s been doing working on his basement. I just wanted to see him and let him know I was thinking of him.  

I then drove over to give Chuck a ride to the Pride Center to attend a planning meeting for the Utah Queer history booth for Pride Day. The place was packed with some Trans’ event” but there were just 3 of us, so we met in the computer room. Roy Zhang and I think we had a good start.  I really think Chuck attended just to get out of the house and that was fine but ..hopefully more will join us later “We want to build upon last year and celebrate 30 years since the 1st Pride March in SLC.

We spent some of the time trashing Connell O’Donovan, who didn’t come, because he wanted his own UQHS business cards with his name on it. It’s always going to be about him.  Roy has a Chinese husband so I asked him if his husband was concerned about the viruses coming out of China and Roy laughed saying he’s so panicky that they were to Olive Garden to celebrate the Chinese New Year’s instead of a Chinese Restaurant.

We closed the meeting agreeing to meet twice in February on the 15^th and 29^th for our next meeting to decide on what buttons and postcards we want to make.

When I came home at 3 in the afternoon Kyle Foote was back. I was being weird. I asked how his weekend was but didn’t stick around to hear. Instead, I went over to Mike Romero’s to bring him some stew but I left my phone at home and he didn’t answer the door.

Back at the house, I was shocked and surprised when Kyle asked if I wanted to go to the movie with Danny and him. This was the first time Kyle had ever included me in anything with the two of them. It melted my hard heart again. It’s all I ever wanted from Kyle, to be included in his life without me having to ask.

He said that Danny was going to be spending the night here and maybe tomorrow but he will be staying in Wendover. Kyle said that he would be going to spend the nights Friday and Saturday with Danny in Wendover while he is there. I know I am not Kyle’s keeper but I just wanted to know where he is when he’s gone. Is that wrong? I guess I’m too much like my mom who said she never could go to sleep until she knew all us kids were home after being out.

I think Kyle is a little frustrated over how Cavalier Danny is about his flight schedule because he is such a Millennial that he doesn’t seem to be bothered that he doesn’t have a set schedule and Kyle is all about having a regiment.

Anyway, after Danny arrived we went to see “1917” at the Valley Fair Mall Megaplex. They first had a bite to eat at the Food Court there in the mall and I was surprised how busy the place was for a Sunday night. Also, the demographics have really changed over the decades. I told Danny when I first used to go here it was like 90 percent blue eyed Mormons and now it is like 90 percent Latino. Times change and it’s easy to see how frightened the MAGA crowd is of change.

Kyle paid extra for reclining lounge like seats that even had a butt warmer in them. Sheesh. People are so spoiled compared to when I was a young movie goer. The film was very intense, detailed, and historically accurate in a kind of “Saving Private Ryan” or “Dunkirk’ kind of way. Not everyone's cup of tea but film buffs and history buffs will love it “very unpredictable movie too.

When we walked out into the parking lot we were surprised that it was raining when we left the theater. It’s almost the end of January and it should have been snowing but it was in the 40’s today.

Back at the house, Kyle came upstairs while I was in the kitchen and hugged me and thanked me for going with them. I just hugged him and said I loved him and thanked him for including me. He didn’t know how much that means to me. He said that I was a very important part of his life. It’s all I needed to hear, to be appreciated because I do love him so.

All that is in the news is the death of Kolbe Bryant the Laker’s Basketball player died along with his daughter and others in a helicopter crash today. I really don’t follow sports but to many it is a great loss.

 

27 January 2020 Monday

I went with Bill Poore out to lunch at Charlie Chows to get out of the house. Then drove around looking for this gym that had a heated pool on 1600 east and 42^nd South but never found it. It gave us an excuse to visit. When he said that I was talking a lot about Kyle Foote and not Brad Hart, I then told him how much Brad is becoming to mean to me but how I thought both Kyle and he were both anti-social personalities but to different degrees. 

In the evening, I went with Mike Romero to Hillcrest High School to see Merrily We Roll Along. Alan Anderson went with us but Kyle Daniels didn’t. I thought it was going to be the Sondheim musical version but it was the Kaufman-Hart version which flopped on Broadway in the 1930s”the cast of high school kids I thought were great in period costumes but I was tired and Mike was getting nothing out of it so we left at intermission”

I had been out 3 nights in a row so I was okay with coming home to bed by 9. Tomorrow I have to take TJ down to Brookside Vet for some dental work at 9 and Coco in for grooming at noon.

28 January 2020 Tuesday

I dreamed last night I was in a deserted high school where all the students were ghost” no more snack of cheese and crackers before going to bed.

TJ’s appointment was at 9 in the morning at Brookside Veterinarian down on 7200 South. As I was trying to merge from 2100 North on to I-215 some asshole in a big white truck refused to let me by speeding up and nearly drove me off the road. Why people have to be such asses is beyond me when the lane next to him was empty and he could have easily accommodated us that were trying to merge. The experience nearly ruined my morning.

The clinic was very busy when I got there as they had just opened at 9 and there were lots of cat people there which I rarely see at the Dog Park vet that I had been going to. So, I dropped the little guy off and went back home to work sending Daniel Cureton my 2011 journal one month at a time.

I wrote him a preface, “Daniel this journal must not be published for a long time, if ever, preferably after I am dead. I trust you with it as an archivist. There's a lot of embarrassing and salacious content especially regarding the relationship I have with Kyle Foote. He spent 8 years in prison for his crimes. He is not the man he was then. I believe in redemption. I would not want anything published now that would hurt his chances of rehabilitating his life.

I was suffering from mania then from an obsessive love of Kyle at the same time traumatized by his betrayal of my trust and being kept in the dark by his lies and secret life. Many of the fraudulent charges, Craig Lists Ads, and sexual conversations he had with others, I included, were lifted from his Computer in 2012 when I had access to it. It was almost like he was living a double life some of it probable from sexual compulsion, some from narcissism, but some from a need to be loved and esteemed.  I added them to put in context what I was experiencing at the time, having no idea what he was secretly doing after I had gone to work, or to bed.

By the time I met him, Kyle had already been a convicted felon, but while he had been in jail and released several times, it was only at the end of 2011 that he was actually sentenced to prison.

It's a sad story of a young Gay man, spiraling out of control and an old Gay man's last attempt to find love. So “Death In Venice”. I loved him then and I still do. For better or worse. I was the only one who ever visited him when he was incarcerated. I wanted him to know he could change and that he was loved. 

I had sexualized my feelings for Kyle back then, being very confused, when I really just wanted him to be family to me, a proto son.

I did go to therapy when things went crazy for me from what my Jungian therapist said was ‘tormented enchantment’ with Kyle. It was the last time I was ever suicidal although I was cognizant enough to reach out for anti-depression pills and seek therapy.

It was a different time. There were lots of young Gay men start up groups, like Simply Social, The Gay Hot Spot, Salty Gossip, and of course Craig's List which was the preferred hook-up site.

The Utah Pride Center was then controlled by Valerie Larabee who used community events as simply fundraisers for the center without any real sense of reaching out to the community. Club Jam was "the bar" to be seen at with Club Sound becoming more and more straight.

I turned 60 years old in 2011 and I think I was experiencing an existential crisis of entering "old age" as a Gay man, no longer contemporary or relevant to Gay men in their Prime as we began the 2nd decade of the 21st Century. 

But I am still here.”

Daniel wrote back, “Yes, I'm glad you are still here! We need you more than ever, Ben, thick or thin. You're doing the best you can as a human, to help and love someone who needs it. I promise to keep it safe till after your death. I'll archive this email with it as well so that there is a record of your request prior to if/when it's published.”

            I almost missed Coco’s grooming appointment because it was at noon and I let time slip away while on the computer. I rushed her down at 12:45 and Carol, her groomer, was still able to take her. When I later picked Coco up I gave Carol a $10 tip for the inconvenience.

            The Brookside Vet still hadn’t called back by 4 and their phone was busy the several times I called. Because I knew traffic would be a bitch going south at this time of day I decided to just drive on down there and wait. I had Michael pick up Coco.

            I was at the vet’s at 4:30 but TJ wasn’t ready to pick up until 5. The poor little boy had 14 teeth removed, 6 incisors, 6 molars, and 2 described as major teeth. I also had them give his rabies and Bordetella shots. All in all, it was $543 but half what the Dog Park had quoted.

            I had fixed a roast for the other pups and when Kyle came home from his night class he ate a bit of it too. I just sat with TJ in my lap while he recovered from his surgery today.

            John Fugelsang wrote: “Ken Starr once impeached a president for fellatio” yesterday he performed fellatio on an impeached president.”

29 January 2020 Wednesday

TJ is doing good “I gave him his pain pills and some drops for any infection “but he seems to have his appetite back and is his spunky self again. I am sure that if he had that many bad teeth they had to have been hurting him.

It rained for much of the night but had turned to snow this morning. I waited until noon to go register the Sonoma and get its tags for the year. They expire at the end of January. It seems Strange to see the year 21 on the plates now. The Sonoma is 22 years old now and we are well into the Roaring Twenties. It was only $78 to register it.

I made split pea soup today and when Kyle Foote came home around 5:30 he had a bowl. He said some gal is coming by on Friday to look at the back yard and whether it’s feasible to build a small home on the south side.  Mike Romero and I talked about eventually selling his townhouse and living back here but in a residence of his own.

Jim Dabakis called saying he was back in town so Taco went home tonight but not for long Jim is leaving again for Mexico so Taco may be back either Monday or Tuesday” he was happy to see his daddy.

Jim wants to take Kyle and me out to dinner before he leaves again. I left it up to Kyle to choose the restaurant because I know I will probably just have soup wherever. Jim said his place on B Street is selling for 1.2 million dollars but they have a place in Cottonwood off of Highland and 45th south they will move into for the time being.

He said his husband Steve Justesen is in China right now taking a tourist group that had been planned before the Coronavirus had made travel there dangerous. Some countries had even stopped flights into China.

30 January 2020 Thursday

So glad January is nearly over” not my favorite month “at least we've had as much rain as snow. Still, I am getting cabin fever”  I stayed in for most of the day and watched Netflix. I finished watching Frankie and Grace and a couple of episodes of AJ and the Queen, RuPaul’s show.  I also began working on the Lecture Series for this coming Wednesday on 1998.

Lucas Horne, the Ballet Dancer who organized the Project Rainbow for a Pride Flag drive last June contacted me about them commissioning a mural that is being painted of important people who helped pioneer our community. He wants to meet with Connell O’Donovan and me to seek suggestions who should be included” my first thought was of Joe Redburn who certainly is a founder of what we have today when he opened the Sun as the first openly Gay dance club in SLC in 1973” however I am sure Connell will want all these people who didn’t even identify as Gay as we know it today to be included. Lucas introduced himself in a message saying he once met me with Jim Dabakis which I thought was kind of cool that he remembered that.  He wanted to meet this Sunday but I responded back I couldn’t so I guess we will meet the following Sunday February 9^th at 11 in the morning at the Pride Center.

I had a message from Kyle Foote, “Hey Danny is gonna get to the house before me tonight. Probably close to 630 or 7. He'll likely just head right into my bedroom. You know him, he's shy.” I was surprised that he came because I thought Kyle was going to be out in Wendover Friday and Sunday.

Kyle was home by 8:30 from his class and said that he’s having some gal over tomorrow to look at the feasibility of having a second home unit put on the lot.

31 January 2020 Friday

It was in the mid 40’s this last day of January. Tonight is Date night with Brad Hart. I really missed him a lot this week. This morning, I cleaned the front room really well, vacuuming and mopping.

            Danny Montoya spent the night with Kyle Foote and he never came out of the downstairs room today except I suppose to pee or go smoke. Kyle did take the truck so Danny could use the Rogue. I never saw Danny at all today which seemed strange to me that he could hole himself up and not ever come up to say hi to me. His behavior was a bit disconcerting because it made me wonder if he didn’t like me or that I am too old for him to relate to. Kyle assured me that Danny is just a Millennial Introvert. Well, he’s Kyle’s fuck buddy, and I hope lover, not mine.

            Kyle came back to the house at 10 this morning with someone to look at the size of the back yard. He said he was told it was doable but the home would have to face Dale Ridge and have off street parking so we would have to put in a drive way I suppose. 

            I told him however we would have to wait to have any more plans made because I had expenses this past month like TJ’s teeth extraction and while I didn’t tell him this also I ended paying for his watch that was included in the phone bill.

            Anyway, I spent the day also preparing a meatloaf from a Cracker Barrel recipe, peeling potatoes to mash, making mushroom gravy, along with green beans with bacon bits, buttered corn, and crescent roll. It’s nice to meet someone like Brad who enjoys me for more than my cooking. I asked Kyle earlier if he and Danny was eating with us and he said they would so I made a lot and even used shallots instead of onions for Kyle.

Well Taco Bell is back. This afternoon Jim Dabakis showed up on the doorsteps with Taco… Jim is leaving out tomorrow for old Mexico and won’t be back until March 1st” We visited a bit and he said his hubby Steven Jutesen got safely out of China from the tour group he had taken there” Jim said he may be going to Japan to visit in February. I’m glad to just stay home making meatloaf for my lover.

I must still be insecure about the age difference between Brad and me because I had been thinking of the lines from the Mikado Are you old enough to marry, do you think? Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade? There's a fascination frantic In a ruin that's romantic” Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?” .I am the ‘ruin’ who is romantic. I guess you are never too old to want love.

Kyle was home by 5:30 and surprised me by saying that Danny wanted to go get a haircut. I thought “he couldn’t have gone and gotten one earlier when he was just lying around?” It kind of disappointed me, because I had made all this extra food and thought we all could have had a nice meal together the 4 of us. I didn’t say a thing to Kyle about how rude I thought Danny was being because it wasn’t worth it.  I wasn’t really mad just really disappointed. Never have expectations and you are never disappointed.

So, I ended up with way too much food, as it turned out to be just Brad and me for dinner and I eat only about a cup of food if that much. I made the cracker barrel meat loaf recipe and Brad who had actually eaten cracker barrel’s meatloaf before said it was just like it. The little I ate was moist and tasty and Brad had two big helpings.  He said he was hungry. I like feeding him.

After we ate, we went and took a dip into the hot tub but to my consternation the inside felt gritty. I thought what now? It wasn’t smooth or slick. I am going to have to drain it and clean it and see what is going on with it now. We only stayed in for a 15 minute cycle and I had Brad take a shower just to get any chemicals off of him just in case.

We then went into the movie room where the twin bed has become our love nest. He said his arms were sore from sanding so much this week so I gave him another massage especially on his arms. When I began sucking on his nipple he became rock hard. Bingo I found his erogenous spot. I lubed him up with olive oil and let him penetrate me. I think we are becoming lovers because his love making is more than just getting off.

After he was spent, he lay in my arms and we canoodled for several hours just making pillow talk. I think he shares more with me than he does anyone else because most of the time I think he’s an introvert. He did say his energy is recharged when he’s spending time alone. I understood that. However, as much as I enjoy being with people I do like them at my own convenience.

He made me laugh when after a while he said, enough cuddle time, and we rose from the bed and got dressed.

Kyle and Danny had come home sometime before 10 so they must have gone out to eat instead of having dinner at home. Two pounds of hamburger made a big meatloaf so I sent the rest of it and everything else home with Brad. He won’t need to cook for a week.

I sent home 4 containers of meatloaf, crescent rolls, chocolate cupcakes, and another container filled with mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy, green beans, corn, and more meatloaf” did I mention I had a huge meatloaf? 

I kind of didn’t want anything left over as if those two couldn’t bother to eat with us, I am not feeding them later. Besides when Kyle did come up after Brad left he said Danny and he were leaving out early in the morning for Wendover and he wouldn’t be home until after 11 tomorrow night. I think he was feeling a bit sheepish for not eating with us after all the effort I had put into the meal as he gave me a long hug and that was enough to placate this old fool.

Earlier he had worked out how much it was going to cost to re-roof the house. It will cost about $3000 with Kyle doing the labor.

In the news the cowardly traitors in the Republican Senate voted not to call for witnesses in the impeachment trial all but assuring trump’s acquittal. Only Mitt Romney had the integrity to break ranks and vote for witnesses and now he’s become ostracized among the Republicans. A trial with no witnesses is no trial at all.  

FEBRUARY

1 February 2020 Saturday

I was worried about the hot tub most of the night so after Kyle Foote and Danny Montoya left for Wendover in the morning and it was light outside I began to drain the hot tub. Actually, it was a perfect day for it as it was unseasonably mild. When the water was mostly out, I took a bunch of towels and soaked up what was left and then began to really wipe the insides down. There was a lot of this powdery substance that clung to the sides and bottom that made the tub feel gritty.

I spent an hour cleaning and wiping and then took out the filter that was completely clogged which probably cause the issue. I ordered a new filter from Amazon that is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I hope so because Sunday will be my window of opportunity to refill the tub as Monday a huge snow storm will envelope the valley.

            Other than doing that chore, I never left the house the entire day. I worked on my lecture series for 1998, posted some documents to my history site, and watched Netflix by finishing RuPaul’s AJ and the Queen series.

            I was missing both Brad Hart and Kyle today and feeling a little lonesome. I made some Chicken Soup with Rice for my supper.

I posted an article on AIDS Survivor Syndrome and the guilt associated with it on the Gay Men’s Resource page and had the following comments”

Roy Zhang wrote “I didn’t know this was a “thing”

I responded “yep many of us have it to various degrees” we just don’t deal with it because no one really wants to know about it” a form of survivor guilt is why I am driven to preserve the history and stories of all those who can't” it’s one of the reason my generation never got to grow old together           

Roy Zhang responded back “I definitely know how you feel. I hadn’t realized how much surviving through the AIDS crisis affected me until recently. Thank you for preserving our history!”

I replied, “It was just like living in war time” knowing that sharing our love could potentially be a death sentence and no one seemed to care because God hated faggots.”

Roy Zhang said, “so true ! I started an obituary book in 1990, a sobering thought of my youth.”

Bill Poore wrote “I call it multiple death syndrome” I know for me it wasn't until a few years later I realized how much I was affected by all the deaths I faced while living in the Village in NYC”I just noticed guys like me just didn't have any ambition, we couldn't see the point. I remember at one time in NYC thinking we were all going to die, all the news coming out during the early days really didn't tell us anything different.

            I responded, “AIDS drove me out of the closet. If I was going to die I wanted to live an authentic life. It was why we built so much community because we knew our Time here was short.

Michael Allen Gray wrote, “Thank you Benedgar, sometimes I feel lost and it’s good to know what I’m feeling has a name. I’m going to share this piece with my Mental Health providers at the VA. Many of us have buried ourselves under the title of being HIV+ but the reality is we will always have an AIDS DIAGNOSIS.

In the news Michael Aaron wrote in the Q Salt Lake “Former Brigham Young University psychologist Dr. Robert Duane Card, who put many LDS gay men through horrific electro-shock aversion therapy to “rid them of their homosexual desires” died Tuesday, Jan 21, the day before a ban on anti-LGBTQ conversion therapy took effect in Utah.”

2 February 2020 Sunday

Today is a palindrome day 02-02-2020 and Candlemas. We are half way through Winter now. Ground Hog's Day has replaced Candlemas in modern times but the sentiments are the same of it being a seasonal Cross Quarter Day between Winter and Springs. In the old ways there were 8 seasons not 4, Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter and 4 Cross Quarter Days in between.

            I was up way too early at 4:30 this morning feeling restless wondering when Kyle

Foote was coming home. He didn’t until 10:30 this morning and we had to meet TJ Otaka and Jim McMullin at 11:30 at the Red Maple Chinese Restaurant on 4700 South in Taylorsville.

            I worked on going through my 1998 files until about 7:30 and then went back to bed and slept in until 9. I was still kind of groggy and a bit distance with Kyle who kept trying to get me to perk up. I guess I was still down in the dumps about Danny Montoya and him not eating supper with Brad Hart and me and then him telling me he’d be back at 11 last night but wasn’t. I was also concerned that if Kyle goes on the Nevada side of Wendover it might violate his parole. He said he only stays of the Utah side.  But I changed attitudes once we were on the road. I can’t help it. I just like being in his company.

            Well, I ain’t afraid of no Coronavirus so we had a nice luncheon with Jim and T.J. Otaka at Red Maple Chinese restaurant ”I never knew Dim Sum was like a buffet” I always thought it was a dish, like pot stickers lol. You learn something new every day” I stuck with hot and sour soup and egg rolls however lol”. Kyle thanked T.J. and Jim for treating him to his first Dim Sum. He said the food was delicious and the company was excellent. They even gave Kyle a gift card to Amazon’s for his help with their Microwave.

            We talked about John Bennett’s suicide death and TJ especially wanted to know all about Brad Hart. I felt like a school girl smiling the whole time telling him about Brad.

            We stayed until 1 in the afternoon then came back to the house because Kyle needed my help mounting his tool cabinet in the garage. I also refilled the hot tub and replaced the filter when it came this afternoon. I was glad I was able to do it ahead of the storm.

            While working in the garage we also cleaned it and reorganized and threw out stuff that was either unusable or just not needed. We later will go through all the tools and power equipment to see what else can go in the trash.

            I fixed Kyle a dinner of some of the leftover meat loaf and I had chicken and rice soup. While he was talking to Danny while eating Danny remarked that he wished he could have some homemade food! I nearly choked. Even Kyle told him that I would have cook for them any meal if they would eat it. I thought, not half joking, “fuck you” because he went out to eat with Kyle last Friday after getting a haircut. Kids!

            Kyle retired to him room after eating to relax and I just watch some TV until I got bored. Let the heathens watch their gladiator bread and circuses known as the Super Bowl but as for me and my house we are having hot chocolate with marshmallows and butter biscuits.

I decided I should call my sister Donna Jones and see how she is doing. I was surprised when she said she retired this past January 24^th. I guess her company was downsizing and gave her a pretty good incentive package to retire. We had a good talk considering we hadn’t in ages. She still wants to move away from California with her son Kevin who I guess is finally getting his driver’s license. He’s 40 years old now.

I went to bed around 9:30. The wind began to pick up and howl so for sure a storm is coming in.

            In the news people are making fun of how dumb Donald ‘I am a genius’  Trump is by congratulating Kansas City, Kansas for winning the Super Bowl when the team is from Kansas City, Missouri.       

3 February 2020 Monday

More snow fell last night and this morning from a huge storm than we had all of January. I shoveled a path out the back, down the steps for the dogs this morning but within a couple of hours it was covered again. The snow is up to TJ and Taco's necks. The snow is very dry, fine, and powdery which makes it want to drift and spray in the wind. It's the first time this season I had to put my snow boots on.

            I have my mop ready because I expect a lot of accidents in the house this morning. I really can’t blame them. It’s a good thing I drained and refilled the hot tub over the weekend for the entire hot tub lid is covered in about 4 inches deep in snow.

            I've got a pot of pinto beans cooking this morning, and so corn bread and beans today for a wintry day. I don't have to be anywhere today so I can stay home and finish my report on 1998 for my Wednesday's lecture series. Kyle Foote, however, had to brave the treacherous roads today. Some of the Schools are closed for a snow day others are having a late start” in Utah that's rare. State offices are closed too.

            It snowed all day and by 4:30 it had snowed heavily here by the airport like a blizzard. Michael Romero had to come get Coco because the roads aren’t plowed and he said Hodges Lane where he lives would have been impassable for the Honda Fit.

            I watched the weather news and I guess Salt Lake Valley was hit the hardest with 18 inches in Cottonwood Heights and a new 9 inch record for this day at the airport which is probably what I received here in Westpointe. Oddly the Wasatch Mountains got only a few inches and nothing north and south of us.

            I wrote Brad Hart that I hoped he was staying warm just to let him know I was thinking about him. He wrote back, “Wow so much snow! I stayed warm by sanding Victorian trim all day. Hope you’re well and staying warm too.” Later he added “Check out what I did yesterday” I painted my basement rock wall to look like rocks. It was painted white before. I think it turned out awesome!” It was awesome, and I said, “Incredible” when I can get out of the drive way I will have to come over and have a look” sure gives the wall a rustic look. You are really talented.” He responded saying Thanks and asked if I needed any help with the snow. I replied, “Thanks but a neighbor did my sidewalks and Kyle is helping with the drive way” sure would like to be under the covers with you though.”  He surprised me by saying, “I’ll come visit you tomorrow and we can get under the covers.”  I wrote back I can’t wait.

            My niece Denise Wachs sent me a message with a picture of her new grandchild but without any information. I don’t know whether the baby is a boy or a girl for that matter.

4 February 2020 Tuesday

            I was up early to clear off the back deck and go to Lucky’s to get some hamburger meat to make chili for Brad Hart coming over. I wrote him this morning “I have chili and a key lime pie if you want to come over this evening after working or whenever.”  He wrote back, “Sweet! I’ll come over after work, around the usual time.”

            It had stopped snowing last night and it was a beautiful blue sky” over everything it was frosted with snow. It was cold however, only up into the high 20’s.

            Well, I had the solar panel people over for them to do an initial measurement and inspection. Kyle Foote had his first of the month meeting with his parole officer this morning. He said when he returned that he will have a new one who won’t meet with Kyle until the end of March which I am sure helps with Kyle’s anxieties.

            He then stayed home for the Sparrow Electric people to look at the house to see if it’s structurally sound to support 39 solar panels. Kyle said he hopes the lesbian who climbed into my attic space gets to help with the installation ”keeping it all in the family” LOL

            When they were through, about noon, Kyle and I had some lunch at Taco Bell. It had gotten really expensive. I only had a bean burrito, a small drink, and Kyle had a Taco, some nacho chips, and a medium drink and it came to $10.

            Afterwards we went to America First down on Pioneer and 17th to check on financing to build a tiny home detachable on the south side of the yard for Michael Romero eventually to come live in. It sounded like with redoing a mortgage with a cash payout, which makes the most sense and is doable so probably I will go ahead with it”

            I live in a prime location close to the airport, close to downtown, and between two north and south freeways” land in Salt Lake City will eventually become premium as more people want to live closer to downtown in the 21st century and I am still basically surrounded by open space.

            Kyle printed off some floor plans to show Michael what we are envisioning before he went off to work. Later in the afternoon America First called and said that a Mortgage for about $180,000 for 30 years at 4 percent interest would be about $950 a month. Maybe about $200 more a month than I am paying now.

            When Michael came over to pick up Coco I fed him some Chili and cornbread and we discussed his moving back here in a detached dwelling. I think he kind of thought it was a good idea however he won’t be able to sell his Townhouse until 2024. He had some ideas to add to Kyle’s initial floor plans like adding a small deck so he can set outside and making the loft bedroom more of a hobby room for his trains and such.

            After he left, Brad Hart came over at 6:30 this evening. Kyle had classes tonight but did say Danny Montoya was coming over later. It didn’t matter because they would be holed up downstairs anyway.

            Brad had several helpings of chili and corn bread and it makes me happy to feed him. We visited some before ending up in the twin bed in the movie room where we canoodled and I gave him a good back massage. We just kissed and embraced and made small talk before we became more romantic. He had never used Crisco before as lube so that was a new and pleasurable experience for both him and me.

            After we were through we laid in each other’s arms before eventually getting up and going back to the kitchen to have some Key Lime pie. Because it was a work night for him, Brad didn’t stay longer than 10 at night and I sent him home with the rest of the Chili and the Key lime pie. It was a very sweet evening.

            I saw a recipe for Vegan buttermilk biscuits” I thought what the living hell was this? Turns out you use lemon juice and soy milk instead of buttermilk, and the recipe called for Vegan Butter “intrigued I looked up what Vegan Butter is and it turns out to just be plain old margarine” everything in the recipe was disingenuous” I swear Veganism is a cult lol

            I did find a recipe for drop buttermilk biscuits that I love and you don’t have to cut in butter or shortening or roll them out” melted butter is added to the cold buttermilk and then added to the dry ingredients” quick and easy for real biscuits eaters instead of Vegan posers”

            I always keep buttermilk in the house which I seem to use more than milk these days especially for baking. Used it in my cornbread yesterday” tasty

I cut this recipe in half works fine makes about 8 when you do

Easy Flaky Buttermilk Drop Biscuits

INGREDIENTS

2 cups (10 ounces) all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon sugar

3/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup buttermilk, chilled (see note)

8 tablespoons butter, melted and slightly cooled (I use salted butter)

5 February 2020 Wednesday

It was 4 years ago I brought Harleigh home after Lucky had died. He had a good home until he passed last year.

            Danny Montoya spent the night again. He was here all day too and when backing out the garage he accidently clipped his passenger side mirror on the garage. He didn’t damage it too badly. Kyle Foote came home while I was in the shower getting ready to go out. So, I didn’t see him much today to talk about stuff.

            I finished, finally, condensing my files on the year 1998 so I could present it tonight. I spent so many days and hours on it but am getting such little support for these lecture series anymore. I used to get nearly 20 people coming to them but I only had about six last night show up, Jeff Laver, Paul Milne, Angela Snow, Richard Harmston, Charles Bigo, and Chuck Whyte. Of course I had to go pick up Chuck. The weather turned bad in the evening and that may have kept some away. It started to snow again and it was cold out. Or maybe people are just tired of me. I was home by 9 and soon went to bed mentally tired.

            Today was the first time ever one of the pups soiled the blankets in the back of the FIT probably coming back from dropping Coco off. Not sure who so I had to strip everything out of the back and do a load of wash. Probably it was a good thing to just because the blankets needed a freshening up.

            I am committed to the elimination of the Republican Party for the good of the United States. The GOP controlled Senate voted not to indict Trump on the House’s impeachment articles. Only one Republican Senator had the guts to vote for his indictment and that was Utah’s Senator Mitt Romney. He voted his conscience and now Trump’s minions are out to crucify him.

            In the news also actor Kirk Douglas passed away at the age of 103” RIP Spartacus.

6 February 2020 Thursday

I woke up with about 2 inches of snow of the ground where I had just cleared it off the other day. Fuck you snow” I am staying in bed today. At some point today I guess I will have to go out and shovel snow but I don’t want too” can't I just wait until Spring?

            Kyle Foote took Danny Montoya to the airport this morning and when he came back he said that the department of licensing needed letters of references because he was a felon before he can get his Contractor License. Just another hoop” one of many he will have all his life I suppose because of his record.

            Well Damn my Puritan work ethic. I couldn`t lay in bed knowing there's snow to shovel so I put my big boy panties on, bundled up like an Eskimo and shoveled the back deck and steps, then the drive way, and then 100 feet of sidewalk. Mr. Reed Hall my good neighbor who normally had been doing my sidewalks went to Hawaii for a week, the bum . I blame my Danforth side of the family for this New England gene. I know my Southern side would have just stayed in bed.

            I went grocery shopping for tomorrow’s date night with Brad Hart and I was so surprised how crowded the store was this afternoon. I had never seen it that crowded before” with mostly Latinos. Not sure why, maybe because of the break in the weather.

            When I returned, I was surprised to find Kyle home. I guess he had quit his job in Ogden yesterday and was in a quandary over two other job offerings. One was a Construction manager job and the other was for a maintenance man for the Kimball Apartments downtown. He was stressed over whether to take the jobs or just concentrate on working on a basement project for this Spencer kid who sold us on the Solar Panels and building the detached housing unit in the back yard.  I knew he needed to talk it out.

            He told me he paid a $1000 for a lawyer to help him get his General Contractor’s license so I said I would help him out by paying him a $1000 for shingling the roof. He ordered the roofing material and it may come next week. I hope the weather gets better. The roof is covered with snow now. I did give him $240, $200 of which Jim Dabakis had given me for keeping Taco Belle during December and now February.

            Today is Bill Poore’s 71st birthday. He didn’t want to go out so I said we would take a rain check when it wasn’t so cold.

            My niece Denise Wachs finally sent me information about her grandson Silas Aaron Ferguson who was born 3 February at 6:20 in the afternoon. She also sent some bad news about my sister Charline. “I want to tell you that mom is in the hospital.  She has a fib [Fibulator] and is going in to get her heart shocked back into rhythm now. Her heart currently is only working at 30%. I will call you afterwards if you like. Heidi and I are with her and I spent the night here with her. Love you.” I wrote back, “Please keep me informed and congrats on being a new grandma” and then asked, “is Dennis with Charline?” Denise said, “No. Dad is home. He has a lot of health issues going on and can’t be here. She has a touch of pneumonia also and that is what he knows.”

7 February 2020 Friday

            I made a banana Cream pie this morning for Brad Hart since he likes cream pies. Other than that, I didn’t have to do much prep work since I was just making tacos and Spanish rice for supper.

            Kyle Foote decided he’d take the landscaping construction manager job and when he came home from his class this morning we scrambled finding the portfolio where he keeps his social security card, birth certificate, and other important papers but we did.  So he went off to go to do all the paper work at this place. He wasn’t back until the late afternoon. He said all the material for the roofing had been ordered and if the weather holds will be delivered next weekend.

            Kyle decided to eat with us because Danny Montoya is away and Brad came over promptly at 6:30. That is one of the things I love about him is that he doesn’t keep me waiting when he knows dinner is at a certain time. It was enjoyable feeding both Kyle and Brad and I ate just about a half a taco.

            When supper was over, Kyle went down stairs and took TJ with him so this was the first time Brad and I were together and didn’t have little TJ serenading us by scratching and crying at the door to be let in.

            Brad was really tired from work this week so we just got undressed like old married couples and got under the blankets to canoodle. I held him for the longest time and we just made pillow talk for most of the evening. I did give him a really good back massage. I could tell he was tired and I didn’t initiate an arousal because he means more to me than just a fuck. He said he would if I needed it but I didn’t and my emotional needs were being met just by us lying nude in bed within each other’s embrace. Even then we petted, kissed, fondled, and embraced for much of three hours. I think I helped him to relax and that he feels at home coming here to be fussed over.

            It was after 10:30 at night when we got dressed and went back into the kitchen to have some pie. He had two big helping. I think perhaps I fawned a bit much over him but he doesn’t recoil from my touch and embrace but rather kind of leans into them.

It was after 11 when I sent him home because I knew he was tired and needed to sleep in his own bed. I sent home the pie and the rest of the fixings for tacos with him and walked him to his truck. Actually, it wasn’t frigid out just kind of cool and damp and there was almost a full moon in the southern night sky. I kissed him goodnight and came back inside to see TJ scrambling up the stairs from Kyle’s room. We all then went to bed.

            This week proved what little decency and integrity the Republican Party had is gone” ”Grabbed them by the Pussy Trump made them his bitch, and the party has thanked him for raping the shit out of them” it's now all but the Trumplican Party and the Republican Party in name only” the former party of Eisenhower, Goldwater, Rockefeller, and even Reagan is essentially dead. They brought it upon themselves by stop being fiscal conservatives and began indulging in their prurient interests dominated by racist religious right wing extremists.

            Roy Zhang wrote saying “I couldn’t agree with you more ! I was just saying to my assistant that now that the US government has opened and allowed this behavior to happen and continue , we will never go back to being the leader we once were , the precedent has been set for all government officials to do whatever they please , say whatever they want , act like childish teenagers. It is a sad point in history.”       

            Deb Hall who is the director of SAGE also said “It is definitely a turning point for the nation. He wants to make it great again - which for him and his followers means hatred and bigotry for people of color, the LGBTQ2+ community, women and the poor. He has destroyed decency and honesty. He has caused hatred between families and friends. So hard to watch the crumbling of our country.”

            Orson Bean who was a television and movie personality was struck by a car and died at the age of 91.

 

8 February 2020 Saturday

            I received a call this morning from Kyle Foote who was at Ken Garff’s Nissan dealership, fit to be tied. He was so angry at them because the service agreement warranty that he had purchased from them for his Rogue didn’t cover all that he was led to believe. I think he just needed to blow off steam to someone who cares enough about him to listen to him rant. He did cancel the warranty which he had paid $1800 extra for it.

            He then was gone again to meet his old Mission President and his wife for lunch. They agreed to write a letter to the State Licensing Board, as I did, to help Kyle jump through that extra hoop the state required of him before he can get his General Contractor’s license because he is a felon.

            While he was out I went to the Glendale Smith’s Grocery store to pick up some meat for the hounds and some items for me to make a chicken pot pie. Then I went over to D.I. at Welfare Square to look for some long sleeve tee shirts to wear under my Baja Hoodies and just around the house. I bought 2 and some kitchen spatulas.

            I found my little ceramic blackbird pie steamer that I had bought a long time ago so I decided to put it in chicken pot pie to see it still works to help release steam from the pie so it doesn’t bubble over” I guess it does.

            In the afternoon my niece Denise Wachs called to give me an update on my sister Charline who is in the hospital with pneumonia and some heart issues that is being treated by shocking her heart rhythm but to normal. They haven’t managed to do so yet but she isn’t critical. Denise finally had a come to Jesus moment with her dad Dennis saying he had to take more responsibility for his own care and not rely on Charline for everything. I guess his kidneys are only at 30 percent himself.

            I called my sister Donna Jones up to let her know that Charline is in the hospital. I told her how Denise said that Cottonwood might be a place where Donna might want to move to and that Denise had connections to help Donna relocate if she still wanted to move to Arizona. She said that she had even looked at Ogden, Utah. I also told her that our cousin Stephanie even said that her son David wants to move to Arizona and if he does, Stephanie would move also.

            In the evening after Kyle came home he worked on contacting people who would write him a reference to the state board and I just watched some television. I watched some of the animated Clone Wars, a cartoon version of Star Wars that Brad had suggested.

I had written him earlier in the morning, “I really enjoyed spending time with you in my arms last night” hope you are feeling rested this morning” have a great weekend””

I also finished watching a Netflix teen movie called “Alex Truelove” another coming out story. It was kind of entertaining but also showed how attitudes towards homosexuality had really changed since I was a teenager, actually attitudes towards sexuality in general.

            Robert Conrad of the 60’s Wild, Wild West show died at the age of 84. He was such a handsome actor.

9 February 2020 Sunday

I had a restless night last night waking up about 2:30 in the morning with a belly ache and feeling gassy. I had a glass of orange juice but I was up about a half an hour before falling back to sleep.

I saw this meme of Face Book that seem to fit me to a T these days. “Old age is mostly wandering around the house at 3 a.m. thinking of ways to entertain yourself because you can’t sleep.”

            I had the strangest dream that Buddy was outside the front door and I wondered how he could have gotten there and I looked to see that the side gate was opened and there was this cute, bearded construction guy working in the backyard. I asked him to keep the gate shut because I was afraid of my dogs getting loose. Daisy was in the dream as well as the Chihuahuas… so weird.

            I made some waffles for breakfast this morning and when Kyle Foote was up he asked if I wanted to go to Lowes in Bountiful with him to buy lumber and material to build a work bench in the garage. I said sure and I used my Lowes’ card to purchase about $100 worth of material.

            I met up with Lucas Horne of the Rainbow Project and Connell O'Donovan about noon at the Creek Coffee establishment on 9th South. We were first going to be at the Pride Center but they were closed up so we went to this coffee place Lucas suggested. I almost felt like a hipster having coffee on a Sunday afternoon downtown.

            The Rainbow Project, which spearheaded all the Rainbow Flags fundraiser during Pride Day, want to do a mural using Gay figures from Utah’s past and wanted some input from two old curmudgeon Gay historians” I had brought a list of nearly 30 names of people from various decades from the 1970’s to the present.  Connell had concerns about including Babs DeLay because of her controversial reputation but I said if we left off everyone who was hated by someone no one would be on a list. He wanted Tony Adams included only because he was a person of color.

            Connell really did not add anything to the list nor brought one of his own so I ended up taking most of the time explaining to Lucas who all these notable people were and how they contributed to building the community we have today. I said that without these people we would not have the rights we have today.

            Lucas really hit the gene pool lottery. He’s tall, physically perfect, and very handsome, but more than I think he’s a kind person who wants to make a difference in our community.

            Connell had to leave to go to work before we finished going over names as we were there for near an hour and a half. Connell of course had a ride with Lucas so Lucas had to leave when he did.

            Back at home Kyle was working constructing a work bench and I laid down with the pups for a little nap before deciding I wanted to warm up by going into the hot tub. I wrote Brad Hart, “Sitting in my hot tub this afternoon not the same without you..”

            I made a taco salad for my supper but Kyle said he wasn’t feeling well and thinks he’s coming down with something. He is going in tomorrow to see a dermatologist because he has a spot on his ear he thinks might be melanoma. 

            I wrote to Bill Poore, “You feeling any better?  Do feel like going out? Do you need anything?” He responded, “Feeling better, have been out briefly, am watching the Oscars”. can’t seem to break the habit” it is in my blood.”  I didn’t even know the Oscars were on tonight. I wrote back, “I'll pass on watching” they've been picking shitty movies lately anyway and I doubt I will go see any of them lol.”

            I watched a couple of episodes of Clone Wars and a movie called “Big Business” which had Lilly Tomlin, and Bette Midler playing twins who were mixed up at birth. It was entertaining but forgettable.  

10 February 2020 Monday

Why isn't there a donut drone that will deliver me an apple fritter “ this is the 21st century for God's sake.

            I went out this morning to get the Honda Fit washed but that was about the only time I left the house.

            My sister Donna Jones called about 5 this afternoon  for an update on Charline and I said I hadn’t heard anything but after hanging up, Denise called and said Charline was with her and was taking her home. I talked a little with Charline and she sounded tired but okay otherwise. All her arteries are good… no need for a stint “just one artery affected by old age. So, I called Donna back and gave her the news that Charline was on her way home.

            I told Roy Zang about Connell O’Donovan having pictures and other items of John Bennett that Stan Rovig had given him. He was pissed that Connell had never mentioned it to him as that Roy is the chair of the Queer Utah Historical Society. He said that Connell never tells him anything and has his own agenda. He said, “To be honest I am kind of getting sick of it - he is undermining anything I or anyone else does. I am trying to hang in until after Pride if I can do that I will resign at that point. Connell says he reached out to Kelsey [the transgender issue committee chair]- however Kelsey told me he had not , she hadn’t heard anything until I reached out. The flyers still are not completed - Connell wanted the entire back of them to be just about the oratory and the “queer ancestors” it was ridiculous. I will say something at this week’s meeting with Lucas, that I am one of the few who didn’t leave Utah in the early 90’s and have a wealth of local history as I lived it and was here. Actually, you and I are the only ones “. I was involved with local activism all through the 1990s not just up until QN disbanded”

            Roy later also called me and I let him vent and I talked him down from resigning. I said let’s just get through Pride Day and see what happens then. Since he wanted to showcase the 30^th anniversary of the first Utah Pride March I wrote him, “I keep forgetting to tell you that this is the 50th anniversary of the first Gay Liberation march in 1970 as well as our 30^th.”

11 February 2020 Tuesday

At 3 in the afternoon, I met with Lucas Horne again to discuss Gay pioneers who built the LGBT communities as they are known today “ we met at Mestizo Coffee Shop on North Temple and my” have they expanded since I had been there about a year ago” While we were talking, I was explaining that most Gay Latinos in Utah back in 70s, 80s, and 90s were from New Mexico and not south of the Border. Then this man came over and heard me talking about New Mexican heritage, introduced himself as Leonard Romero and we then talked about New Mexican heritage some lol” so I guess the teacher in me was utilized. He wanted my phone number so he could learn more.

I did extensive genealogy in New Mexico for Mike Romeros family so I am quite knowledgeable about the land of Enchantment” besides my dad was born in New Mexico so does that make me half New Mexican? So poor Lucas had to hear me go off on a tangent but he said he could listen all day about our history.

I also told him that while I was a teacher at Washington, our Title One school was involved in the I Can Do program that Ballet West sponsored. Lucas is a dancer with Ballet west.

            I transferred a $1000 into Kyle Foote’s America First Credit Union today for his reroofing my house sometime this month.

Bernie Sanders won the New Hampshire primary which was to be expected but Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar beat out Warren and Biden. I see some attacking Democrats presidential candidates rather than the real enemy of the Republic, trump cultists” vote for who you agree with without tearing the others down “

Bill Poore wrote, “All I can say is the Democratic Party will make a big mistake if they pick Sanders, Trump will kill him. I have followed politics my entire life and the Democratic party seems to be going more liberal all the time. I hate Trump but not real sure I can vote for Sanders either.”

12 February 2020 Wednesday

I went to the Gay Men’s noon sack lunch to get out of the house as it was a nice day. It was a small group again but glad I went. Dwight Wood had to share his adventures dealing with this gorgeous Italian man who is stuck in Turkey who he met on Silver Daddies. He blames me for telling him about Silver Daddies LOL.

My Utah Primary ballot came today. Ugh, I have to pick just one Democrat in the Utah Primary out of 16 choices”5 of them at least have dropped out. I will not vote for Gabbard or Sanders because they aren't real Democrats “ It’s a tossup for me between Warren, Biden, Buttigieg, and Bloomberg “ hmmm decisions, decisions “

Kyle Foote wanted to go with me to see Mike Romero when I took Coco home because he wanted to show Mike floor plans for the Accessory Dwelling Unit. Mike was good with it and I just sat and listened to them discuss it because I really am not having anything to do with it but pay for it. Kyle was pushing the project along and said that it would be nearly $5000 for all the drawings and permits to even begin the project.

I am a little concerned because I just put $3000 in my visa card to pay for the roofing material and just paid $1000 to Kyle. I guess I still have some residue issues over the financial bind Kyle put me in ten years ago but I have to believe he is not the same man.

I went to see Brad Hart at his place at 6:30. I brought him the lava lamp that I bought a new bulb for because he liked it. I didn’t use it anymore and I told him now he would have something with which to remember his old hippie lover. He said he bumped his head at work today and had a knot on it. Ouch. We went down to his basement for him to show me how he had finished it off and it was quite impressive. He is a skilled carpenter for sure. He also showed me some of his musical equipment that he was so proud of.

I was hoping to do a little more with him than just visit and kiss him but I could tell he was tired so I only stayed about an hour. I will see him this Friday. I get some mixed vibes from him at times. I know he is happy to see me but he also acts kind of awkward that make me feel like I am intruding in his space. He asked me if he needed to bring me anything for Valentine’s Day. I laughed and said, ‘no he didn’t’ and he asked if I liked chocolates. I thought that was funny.

Danny Montoya and Kyle Foote were gone when I came back to the house and it was just as well as I didn’t feel like dealing with them as I was a little frustrated from not having a romantic evening with Brad.

            Today is my ex-wife’s 75^th birthday.

13 February 2020 Thursday

I woke up at 3 in the morning with my stomach hurting a bit and I was up a lot having to pee so not sure what’s up with that.

I applied online at America First Credit Union for a refinance loan and cash payout. I want to refinance the house for $180,000. I only owe $100,000 on it. I guess I will hear from them soon.  When they called back, in the late afternoon, I guess I applied for the wrong loan because they only did 15 years loans and I wanted a 30 year loan to keep my payments low so they said they would have someone call me tomorrow.

            Danny Montoya was here most of the day but doesn’t ever interact with me. It kind of hurts my feelings like I am superfluous to him, too old to bother with, and when he is here, Kyle Foote doesn’t interact with me at all. I am just not included in any way in that relationship and it really makes me feel disposable and not family at all.

            I contacted TJ Otaka about going to the Pompeii exhibition at the Leonardo as that Kyle never got around to it. It seems like Friday March 6^th will be the day that works the best for TJ and Jim McMullin and for Mike Romero. When I contacted Kyle he said it didn’t work for him and I thought Oh well. If he wants to go bad enough he could go with Danny. I need to stop making Kyle a priority or I will always be disappointed.

            I made Chili Verde and I let it simmer for much of the day for tomorrow’s dinner with Brad Hart. I hadn’t made chili Verde in a long time. I wanted the flavors to combine overnight. I also made up the Spanish rice too so that tomorrow all I have to make is the Chocolate Meringue pie.

            I retired early around 8 this evening seeing no reason to stay up. Kyle has his late classes on Thursday and Danny doesn’t visit but stays held up in the downstairs bedroom which is becoming a mess.

I didn’t eat much at all today. I burnt some cinnamon rolls I tried to make this morning, didn’t have lunch because I threw out a Swanson fish stick frozen dinner because it was tasteless, and I tried to cook up a frozen pizza that even the dogs wouldn’t eat so I threw it away too. In my old age I am finding that nothing tastes that good to me anymore.

14 February 2020 Friday

Today was a St. Valentine’s massacre of any illusions I had regarding what was my role and  relationship to Kyle Foote is.

I slept pretty good last night but still I was up at 4:30 this morning. I was editing my Journal from 2020 when Kyle and Danny Montoya left early shortly after Coco came over at 6:45. I knew that Kyle was going to be in Wendover all weekend so I didn’t think I’d see him at all today

One of the first things I did was make a Chocolate meringue pie for tonight and then kind of lounged around feeling old today and rather disappointed that my dreams of being a part of Kyle and Danny’s relationship was not going to happen” oh well . I decided to defrost the freezer downstairs because it was really making a racket. It occurred to me that I think my shelf life has expired but I am still sitting in the back of the freezer unnoticed waiting to be tossed out. "Nothing feels quite as good as feeling sorry for one's self"- Boys in the Band.

I also paid $96 for 4 tickets for TJ Otaka, Jim McMullin, Mike Romero and me to go see the Pompeii Exhibit at the Leonardo. I bought tickets for March 6^th at 10 in the morning and will pick them up at will-call.

America First Credit Union called me back about 10 this morning and it sounded to me, with a 30 yrs. mortgage and if the house is apprised at only $200,000 I could only get 80 percent and after closing costs of $4000 I would only be getting $60,000 and out of that have to pay planning fees. However, my mortgage would only be between $1000 and $900. I told the gal I would have to talk it over and she gave me a number 801 827 8343 to call later.

Kyle said I would have to pay planning costs around $ 5000 and that's not rolling in the cost of the roof” so that would only be around $55,000 which I don't know is feasible. I texted Kyle what I found out and he seemed optimistic that he could do the project for under $50,000.

I was still upset how Danny and Kyle hole up downstairs and never come up to sit with me or ask anything about my day. But when Kyle came home at 3:30 this afternoon he brought me flowers for Valentine’s Day before going off for the weekend”

What should have been a sweet gesture, I spoiled it by teasing him saying that just “when I am mad at you, you do this.” I said that I have been feeling more like I am a client than his friend. He took offense and Wow Kyle and I had a major fight.

When how I tried to explain that I shouldn’t be compartmentalized, he again said that I had to tell him my expectations of him, and when I said I shouldn’t have to, he became enraged, shouted at the top of his voice an almost a primal screamed that he is tired of disappointing people and that he should move out. He then backed away and recoiled from me like I was his enemy. He was more enraged then when I saw him that day back in June 2011.

When I tried to explain that being old, I carry a lot of baggage, but before I could explain my meaning he screamed that he isn’t a kid and that he has life experience and I was shocked where that was coming from, because I never denigrated his experience and age. When he later was more calm, I assured him that I had always respected his knowledge and skills and what I was trying to say is that because of my age and experiences I had a certain amount of emotional baggage that I carry around also, that I may have been projecting into our relationship.

I just had to stand down and let him vent as he screamed at the top of his lungs his frustration that he must have been carrying around for a long time. It was a completely irrational response. I was afraid that he would storm away and leave me high and dry.

I was devastated and felt like I had been verbally beaten up just because I wanted him and Danny to pay some attention to me and include me in their lives. However, I knew just to let his anger subside” but it was the first time that it truly made me realize again that Kyle may have some major mental issues that I just cannot help him with.

He has so much inward hate and has to compartmentalize all aspects of his life just to function and I have to accept if we are to go forward that I am in a separate box with him, no matter how big, from his other boxes.

I cried and he cried, and I said I thought of Kyle as a son and just wanted some affection and acknowledgement. I said for 8 years all I wanted was him to come home.

He eventually calmed down and while still visibly shaken and with his voice hoarse, he had me sign to have the electric meter changed for the solar panels. That was another $5000 but would be rolled into the monthly cost.

He then left to go be with Danny but did say good bye which is all I ever wanted him to do is acknowledge that I existed here in the house.

I really felt battered after Kyle left but not devastated. I was emotionally drained but not defeated. I just had to realize that the dynamics of our relationship had really come to the surface.

I can never expect Kyle to be anymore to me that a grateful friend but never an emotional support. I don’t think he is capable of it. Either I accept that or move on. However, it now frightens me about all the projects that Kyle wants to do and whether he might start them and never finish them and then I would be stuck.

The most powerful take away from this explosion and outburst is that I really need to leave Kyle alone and try not to make our lives intertwine as a family. You can’t expect someone to give what they don’t have.

I was kind of feeling edgy after Kyle left and somewhat depressed but I concentrated on getting a meal ready for Brad Hart. I prepared the smothered Chili Verde burritos by baking them and heating up the Spanish rice.

Brad came over promptly at 6:30 and we ate while I tried to get my mind off of Kyle. He really enjoyed the meal and we chit chatted until I had him go into the movie room to make love on the twin bed. I needed the affection he was giving me, and he held me in his arms and we were amorous before we fell into passionate love making.

 We tried some new positions and he was really enthralled with me being on my back and him deep inside me as he held and kissed me.

We stayed in our lover’s bed until nearly 10 at night holding and caressing and making pillow talk. I loved stroking his long beard and staring into his eyes. He’s so funny that he will slightly giggle when I compliment him so I call him ‘giggle box’. I think Brad is falling in love with me and I am infatuated with his body and what it does to me but I love his kind heart.

We finally dressed and went back into the kitchen to eat some pie that turned out to be way too rich with the dark chocolate. It was more like a brownie pudding LOL. Well, I had not made one from scratch in years.

It was nearly 11 when I packed up to-go bags of leftovers enough to feed him for a couple of days. He said he was going to be tight moneywise because his next pay out for the work he’s doing for these people will mostly go to pay his mortgage.  

So, I was glad to send him home with extra food and I said that he should know he can always have a meal at my place. I also gave him $25 in Susan B. Anthony coins that I have never used that was given to me at my retirement in 2015. I said use them for gas money or food for his dog Nikki. He was hesitant to take them but I insisted. After all the money I have given to Kyle this was just chump change. Besides I know what it’s like to be cash strapped.

I walked him to the car and the sky was full of stars but it had really turned cold out. I kissed him good bye and went back inside to go to bed.

What a very strange St. Valentine’s Day after having a major melt down in Kyle and my relationship and then making love in Brad’s arms.  Things will be different after this day. I know.

15 February 2020 Saturday

I slept pretty well but woke up around 3 in the morning worrying but forced myself back to sleep and I actually slept in until 7:30. One of the most vivid dreams I had right before waking up I was walking up the stairs from the bottom hall of Orchard Elementary to the faculty lounge. It was so clear I could even see the color of the bricks in the wall and the view into the auditorium. It was so weird because I haven’t been at Orchard in 15^th years.

            I made shepherd pie with biscuits for lunch as Bill Poore came over at noon. It was 5 years ago today that he went down with me to Gunnison while Kyle was in prison there. Strange. I had Bill Poore over for lunch rather than going out. He brought some flowers too. We talked about what happened between Kyle and me yesterday and how I have to learn to be a roommate to him and not get so emotionally attached to him and expecting Kyle to fulfill a role in my life that he’s just not capable of fulfilling.

            I feel that Bill is right that Kyle Foote has an Antisocial personality disorder which is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others without any remorse. This behavior may cause problems in relationships or at work and is often criminal.

After eating we also went to Best Buy because I had to buy a charging cord for my phone. It was weird that the old one started smoking when I plugged it in. That never had that happen before. When Bill left I gave him back his Torch Song Trilogy Poster I had framed for him and some framed pictures that he had left over here. I wanted him to have them back since he had been asking for them, not that he will do anything with them I am sure.

It seemed like it was a nice day out but other than going out to buy a chicken for the pups dinner I never left the house.

I texted Brad Hart saying, “Just saying thanks for a very sweet evening last night” I am practicing stretching. Hope you had a very nice Saturday love Ben”.

 I watched some Clone Wars and I fell asleep in the lounge chair sometime around 8 this evening but not sure when I actually got up and actually went to bed.

Kyle texted me about a friend of his wanting names of animal rescue places  because his friend wanted to adopt a dachshund. It surprised me and I guess it was away for him to reach out to me after our blow up. I wrote back to him that Hearts for Paws was a good place to look but also the Best Friends rescue in Sugar House where Jim Dabakis got Taco. I said we got Coco from CAWs “Community Animal Welfare Society.”     

16 February 2020 Sunday

I woke up at 2 in the morning but made myself go back to sleep after getting up and looking for my W-2 forms from the state and social security so I can file my taxes.

            I slept in until 7:30, made some biscuits and coffee for breakfast, and because I was bored this morning, I looked to see what Zillow Realtors said my house is worth. They said $295,000. I say bull pucky. There's no way. However, the Hall’s house behind me, they said it was worth $319,000 and Gile’s old one next to me is at $330,000. I do have a corner lot even if my house is small.  Mike’s place on 246 Hodges Lane is listed by Zillow at $279,000. I was really surprised that Chuck Whyte’s old cracker box house up on 21^st and 2200 East was a half a million dollars.

I looked up REMAX and they said the house was worth $198,000. What a difference. However, Trulia said that the property was at $295,000. Realtor.com says the house is $265,000 which is probably more likely.

            About 10 this morning I was surprised to hear Kyle Foote pull into the garage as he said he wasn’t going to be home until Monday sometime. When he came in he said there was a noise going on that was coming from outside. Oh, the joy of home ownership. We went out in the rain and my heat pump compressor started making a racket and then started smoking” sheesh” so I’ve got to have someone come look what's up with that”.”

            Kyle then embraced me and I said lightly, “we are both kind of messes.” But I am determined to back off and let him have his space and time alone. He did say he had a rough weekend but I didn’t enquire. It’s not my business.

            I left to attend the Utah Queer Historical Society mainly to support Roy Zang and to give some items to Daniel Cureton. The weather was more a misty rain rather than a drenching one for most of the afternoon. As it turned out Daniel didn’t come because he had attended a conference down in Provo and the only regulars there were Terry Gillman, Connell O’Donovan, Roy and me. Lucas Horne attended to share what the Rainbow project was doing with their mural of Queers in history. Then Deb Hall spoke about a traveling exhibit that the Stonewall Archives is willing to have come to Utah for free. I didn’t voice my opinion about the exhibits they choose but felt that by trying to be so accommodating to the Black Chamber of Commerce by bringing an exhibit on the Harlem Renaissance that they left out one on Latino culture when there’s a hell of a lot more Latinos in the Gay communities of Utah than Blacks. And nothing was chosen to represent Gay and Lesbian influences” just one for Trans and a generic time line of events leading up to Stonewall. Of course, Connell wanted everyone but Gays represented in the exhibit. But I was really past caring.

            Interestingly I learn that Deb Hall is now over all Adult programs at the Pride Center and not just SAGE anymore. She let it slip that she thought the UQHS was the most organized of all the programs at the Center with most of the others having no leadership. In fact, those people who swept in here and demanded a People of Color program and some of the others have left the state.  Typical. Just resume builders and not community builders. I thought to myself if we were the most reliable program at the center then things are really dysfunction among the others.

            Then Deb wanted to share about the SAGE event “Remembering the Sun” which is going to be a big venue in March. The meeting at that point devolved into people just reminiscing about experiences at the Sun and when the wistful recollections of all the cocaine used at the sun, I had enough and I decided to leave.  I didn’t need to hear the longing of the “good old days” of drug use which I always considered drugs the darker side and destructive element of the Gay community” symptomatic of destructive behavior due to low self-esteem. The Royal Court for all the good it tried to do was also the conduit by which drugs flowed into this community.

            So, I left before the meeting was completely over because I really didn’t have anything to add and so didn’t hear what this person Megan had to say. I couldn’t tell whether the person was a Trans or what, not that it was any of my business. Also, I never heard from the woman from the historical preservation committee who attended” I suppose to talk about creating a walking tour of Gay sites in Salt Lake.

            Later in the evening Roy Zang called me and we talked for a good hour and a half about his frustration with Connell and Roy’s decision to resign as chair. I didn’t even bother to talk him out of it anymore. The UQHS has become Connell’s shit show and Roy finally had enough. I told him that as he was only a teenager in Queer Nation, he never knew how egotistical Connell was and is” while I was older than Connell and had his number. I imagine that historical society will become less effective with people like Roy and I who really were willing to do the work, stepping away while Connell just wants to bask in his own glory.

            Oh well. I am done trying to work within a community that has passed me and the Gay men and women who built it, by. We are two decades into the 21^st century and I am as relevant as Rutherford B Hayes was to the 1920’s. Time to step aside.

Even Michael Aaron sent me a message saying that I hadn’t sent in a Lambda Lore column for 2 months and asked “I haven’t seen a column from you for this or last issues. Are we okay?”  I am not ready to give him a response back but I am really kind of done with it all. My March Utah Stonewall History Presentation on 1999 will be my last and I won’t recycle it. Attendance has really dwindled anyway.

As I told Roy while we were on the phone, I will be nearly 70 years old in a couple of years and am done. I need to spend what time I have left on a relationship with Brad Hart and what can be salvaged with Kyle Foote.  I feel like the Community left me more than I have left the community.

Kyle and I talked a little after I came home about financing for the small house project and roofing the house. I kept it strictly about house projects and nothing about his personal life or about Danny. I suggested that he hire some Mexican laborers to help him with the roof. It’s not that I have stopped caring but because I do care that I know better than being too involved in his life. Neither one of us can handle it. He has been hugging me more lately and I suppose that is all I ever wanted from him.

I’ve tried to work on my taxes today but have been too distracted to actually do them.  I made $49,850 last year according to my Utah State Pension, Social Security, and Ticor Pension. Wow I just didn’t realize that because I thought I was only making around $33,000 a year.

17 February 2020 Monday

I worked all morning doing my taxes up. I didn't want to use TurboTax as I don’t have a lot of deductions and credits but it's so complicated these days an ordinary person can't figure out all the codes” Utah, which supposed to have a flat tax, is the worse with all the percentages they require” I am getting the great sum of $12 back from the state after paying Turbo tax $40 to figure it out for me.  However, I am getting $2600 back from the Fed’s which will help pay for the roof.

Kyle came home about noon that surprised me because I thought he had to work but since it is President’s Day his new job said he could take it off. He worked on designing the small house all afternoon.

I wrote Bill Poore, “We are going to start going to Senior centers for lunch now” it's only $3 and we can go to Liberty by your house or River Bend by mine” look at the menu it's all the same as either place.” He agreed and I said I would swing by and pick him up tomorrow at 11:30.

About 6:15 this evening Kyle hollers upstairs asking if wanted to go to the Pete Buttigieg Rally. I was rather surprised as he hadn’t given me an inkling that he was interested in attending. I said yes like a dope just because I am so used to saying yes to him. So, I quickly got more warmly dressed and we went in his car.

The rally was being held at the Union Event Center where the Pride Spectacular was held last year and even before we got to 4^th West there were so many cars and people walking to the event that I said to Kyle just park in front of Mike’s place on Hodges Lane.  It was a cold clear night and I was not relishing walking all the way over the Event Center so I thought why not ask Mike to take us there, which he did.

            The line was already down 3^rd North to 4^th West packed with people and we slowly moved a few steps at a time. I finally figured out the reason that Kyle wanted to attend was to impress Danny Montoya, who Kyle said was a big Buttigieg fan. However, when I asked him if Danny was going to vote in the Nevada caucus next Saturday, he said he didn’t know if he knew how. So here I am out on a cold February evening with Kyle who isn’t even visiting with me.

            At one point this person with a bullhorn was harassing the people in line saying voting for Buttigieg is voting for a racist. That pissed me off and I instinct yelled “Go to hell.” And Kyle shocked me by saying “Real mature Ben.” I said she had her opinion and I have mine and then as to further piss me off he saw a police officer and started saying “Fuck the police… Get a job and stop sucking off the public’s tit.” Even though he didn’t shout it I knew that the officer heard him.  He then said, “see I have my opinion too” and I said, “fine but the officer was not being anti-Buttigieg”.

            Well, that spoiled the rest of the evening for me and we basically were in line for an hour slowing edging up to the Event Center in silence. He of course bought some Buttigieg merchandise when we got to where they were letting people in.

There this same gal with the bullhorn was further agitating the crowd, accusing this tiny woman of assaulting her, which I witnessed that she hadn’t, but was just playing for sympathy from the crowd. She then started chanting “Black Lives Matter” over and over. She was a gathering of 1 with a bullhorn.

            After standing out in the cold night air we finally made it inside where it was warm and the place was already packed and yet I knew there were still a huge line of people behind us waiting to come in. The only person I saw there I knew was Angela Snow and we talked briefly.  Once inside Kyle mellowed again and wanted me to take some pictures of him holding a “Mayor Pete 2020” sign and he even bought us something to drink.

            Eventually we made it up to the upper balcony for a better view of the stage. I saw on my cell phone that Michael Aaron had left me another message about writing a column “Hey Ben, are you not getting my emails? I haven’t seen a column from you for this or last issues. Are we okay?”.  I just responded, “taking a break”.

            We made it inside at about 7:30 but it was after 8:30 that Pete Buttigieg took to the stage after Mayor Erin Mendenhall announced her endorsement of him. We were right next to the railing so we had a pretty good view but after about 15 minutes Kyle wanted to leave. We agreed with all that he was saying but it was just a political speech to fire up his base so we left about 9.

We called Mike to meet us at 3^rd North and 4^th West and it had really turned cold and my teeth were chattering walking over there with Kyle way ahead of me and not with me.  I didn’t even try to catch up with him. He didn’t really want to be with me anyway. It was all to impress Danny even though at home he thanked me for going with him.

            It was nice to hear someone running for president who couldn’t remember where they were when Kennedy was shot. As long as it isn't Trump I respect everyone's choice for a presidential candidate even if they are wrong. We were back at the house after 9 and I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup to warm me up but Kyle stayed downstairs I am sure to regale Danny with the night’s events. 

            I am glad I went and witnessed the political rally and I told Kyle that the first political rally I went to was in 1967 when Jerry Smith and I went to see George Wallace who was campaigning for the presidency. At the time we sat in the front row and even shook Wallace’s hand. I said to Kyle that going to this rally kind of atones for going to that one in my youth. I don’t think he cared. 

I am certainly reevaluating going places with Kyle anymore just to be with him because he’s never going to be with me.  Oh well. Weaning off is a good thing. I’ve stopped inquiring about his personal life except when he mentions it.

            While at the rally I had a response from Brad Hart from a text message I had sent the other day. He wrote, “I had a really nice time on Friday, too. Thank you. I’ve been sanding moldings and stripping hardware and so forth all weekend, getting ready to get this kitchen finished. Your burritos are keeping me sustained.” I wrote him back, “I was at the Buttigieg Rally when you texted” sounds like you had a very busy weekend” I am glad you enjoying the burritos” I've got to keep your strength up for your good loving” love Ben.”

18 February 2020 Tuesday

I had a morning dentist appointment at Roseman at 9 to have a cavity filled that took two hours. That cost $94. I was barely back into the city by 11:30 to go with Bill Poore to lunch. He said he didn’t want to go to the senior center for lunch because he’s not one of those “old people” yet so we ended up going to Coachman’s on 13^th South and State.

            Even though Bill paid for lunch I said it’s ridiculous to go out and get these huge portions knowing we can’t eat them and we end up taking most home. I had a pastrami burger which wasn’t very good and a plate full of fries that I only ate about a fourth of them and only a bite of the burger. I took the rest home to give to the dogs for their supper. I said that we need to go to the seniors because for $3 the meal would probably be just the right amount.

            Anyway, back at the house I spent time calling America First to do a refinancing and cash out on the house. I was on the phone with an agent Tammi Hass who got the process going. I told her that I didn’t want my payment to be more than $1000 a month. My Credit score that they used was 756 which meant I could get an interest rate at 3.25 percent. If I only refinanced the balance on the house which is $100,000 for 30 years my mortgage payment would only be $450 a month. So, financing $180,000 should be well under $1000 a month I hope.

            That was kind of exhausting so I didn’t do much else except get a pizza for dinner. I knew Kyle had to work all day and attend night class so I’d be alone for the evening.

            I was bored watching TV and kind of tired from yesterday so I decided to just go to bed.

I've been an activist for most of my life, from marching against the Vietnam War to protesting institutionalized homophobia” I've tried to do good in this world, feeding the hungry, mending broken hearts, teaching children and preserving history for the future but at this time in my life it's time to leave the future to others” this is now the lesson I need to teach myself” time to just take care of me “I no longer need to be in the parade. “Learn to be done, not mad, not bothered, just done!”

   “To request paper copies from America First Federal Credit Union of the notices and disclosures previously provided by us to you electronically, you must send us an email to mtgsystemsadmin@americafirst.com and in the body of such request you must state your email address, full name, mailing address, and telephone number. We will bill you for any fees at that time, if any.”

19 February 2020 Wednesday

I worked on downloading some statement for the America First Credit Union mortgage refinancing and was surprised that Kyle Foote was home as I had heard the garage open this morning at 6:30 and thought it was him. Evidently Danny Montoya spent the night. I sat down a little with Kyle this morning to let him know what is going on with America First. He was the one who told me of Danny, as I am no longer interested in being involved in Kyle’s personal life, only what he is willing to share with me. He did say yesterday was the first time in 8 years he worked an 8 to 5 job at his new employment.

            I made 4 small loaves of Date Nut Bread this morning to use up some dates I’ve had since Christmas. Kyle asked if I wanted to go to Lowes this morning but I said I couldn’t because I had the bread baking so he took Lulubelle with him. Lowe let’s people bring their dogs. I guess he wanted to get a compressor to help do the roof. He said the roofing material will be delivered tomorrow

            I went and picked up Bill Poore to go together to the Gay Men’s Noon Sack Lunch at the Pride Center. There was a decent turn out this time about ten men including TJ Otaka and Jim McMullin as well. Of course, we discussed politics without any real rancor because we are basically all on the same page politically. All the old guys at the noon men’s lunch said we need a President under 70 years old.  I am not watching the debate tonight. I don’t care as I will vote for the nominee who ever it is but I fear that it may be Bernie Sanders and I don’t think he can beat Trump.

            Dale Sheld shared some sad news about Charles Frost with me. He said he heard from one of Charles’s friends that he has Stage 4 Colon Cancer. If that’s true he doesn’t have long for this world.  As much as I am fine with the break up I had with Charles, I hate to hear of him going through this.

            Also, while at the Center I talked to Robert Moolman about what Stan Rovig had said about not releasing John Bennett’s legacy to the center until I picture is put up for him.

            After the meeting, Bill and I actually went to lunch at the Greek Souvlaki place on 3^rd South and 4^th East. I hadn’t eaten there in years and I had a hankering for a Gyro with red sauce. I thought it was kind of pricey as that since we both ordered a Gyro and a drink and it came to $18. However, it was good but had to take half the sandwich home.

            Kyle helped me download more information for the America First refinancing but Tammi Hass made a mistake and had me wanting to use refinance the existing mortgage of $100,000 instead of doing a cash out one of $180,000 but after contacting her she said she would fix it and I should get the paper work in 2 or 3 days.

Supper was a hit, with the pups having a medley of Gyro meat, pita bread, roasted pork, and round steak”

Brad wrote me “Mmm, this date nut bread is superb!” and I wrote back to him so are you.

            In the news BYU took homosexuality as a violation off its honor code. It's about 45 years too late for me” I am a BYU Alumnus from 1975 Centennial Year.

As if keeping a body in a freezer for 10 years wasn’t weird enough the deceased "husband" identified as a trans person” Paul/Paula was a vet and evidently died of natural causes and the woman who survived him collected $177,000 in payments to the deceased until her own death last year” I love Utah it's so queer with peculiar people”

20 February 2020 Thursday

Today I officially became old” Mike Romero and I went to the River Bend Senior Center at 11:30 this morning and ate lunch there. It was a $3 donation but I gave them $5. The meal of Chicken Parmigiana was balanced but I could not finish the portions although I did enjoy my jello. Afterwards this little old lady named Doris loved showing us the ropes probably thinking we were new meat. She showed us the workout room.  So, it has come to this” "I am old I am old I shall wear my trousers rolled".

            Before going down to the Senior Center, I went and had a haircut and beard trim at my usual Vietnamese place. I told the gal there that I wanted the length of my beard kept but trim the rest. Brad Hart wants me to have a longer beard.

After eating I came back to the house and took a little nap until when the roofing material was delivered at 2. The huge truck nearly took up the entire street because of its conveyor belt delivering the shingles to the roof. Also, the roofing people left all the roofing nails on the porch but when I picked the box up to move it into the garage the box fell apart but managed to get them all up in a pile by Kyle Foote’s tool bench.

I must have been in the mood to bake because I made up a batch of Toll House Cookies, however using pecans instead of walnuts. I brought a dozen over to Mike Romero’s.

As I was taking Coco home, Tammi Hass from America First called me again as I was driving. She said the new refinancing loan would be for about $184,000 and about $998 a Month mortgage payment. I said that it was okay”

For Dinner tomorrow’s date night, I am going to make beef stroganoff over noodles, buttered broccoli, homemade bread, and a cheese cake.

For the rest of the evening, I finished watching Avatar that I probably hadn’t seen in ten years and then went to bed at 9:30.

President Pete has a nice alliteration ring to it “. just saying

21 February 2020 Friday

For you who are counting there's only one more month of winter before the Spring Equinox” hang in there. We got this.

             I sent Deb Hall, who is now over all the Pride Center Adult Programs as well as SAGE, a lot of pictures and documents about the SUN Tavern and the Tornado that destroyed it for her Remember the Sun Event this coming March. She wrote me back, “All I can say is WOW!  Thank you Ben for sending all of this.  I'm going to have every article and every picture blown up and hung at the event.  Would it be okay if I credit you with providing all of this?”   I said sure just also mention they are from the Utah Stonewall Archives. 

            I made a lemon cheese cake this morning and also made up some bread dough to let rise all day for supper tonight.

            Bill Poore didn’t want to go out for lunch at the Senior Center and I doubt whether he ever will. I met Mike Romero there and we had lunch together. I think Mike actually enjoys it. Hey for $3 who can complain?

            Kyle Foote worked only half day for Terraworks and this afternoon he crawled up into the attic to cut out some of the vents that goes through the roof. I just cleaned the house mopping and actually furnish polishing the kitchen cabinets. I had not done that in a long time.

Then I began getting dinner ready. Kyle said he would eat some tonight but actually he went out to see Danny Montoya who was in town to be with his sister’s family.

Brad Hart came over promptly at 6:30. It’s one of the things I love about him.  He had gotten a haircut today and he looked really sharp with a corduroy jacket he wore over.

The artisan bread was still hot from the oven, and Brad had several helpings of the Beef Stroganoff over egg noodles. I also made some buttered broccoli for a vegetable. When Kyle came back from seeing Danny he also had a bowl of Stroganoff but took it and TJ downstairs.

After eating Brad and I went into the hot tub for about a half an hour and I gave him a good foot massage while there. Afterwards we retired to the movie room where I gave him a nice back massage using olive oil before we made love. He was very frisky with me tonight. We decided that the Missionary Position was our favorite because we can kiss and look passionately into each other’s eyes. However, while pounding me, we knocked over the headstand supporting the pillows but we didn’t stop for a long while and then just cuddled and pillow talked about what was interesting to us.  

When we arose from our lover’s bed, we went back into the kitchen where I served him the cheese cake and I guess Danny returned to spend the night with Kyle.

Brad and I sat and visited some more about wondering who lived in his 110 year old house over the years and I said I would see what I could find out myself. He was getting tired, I could tell, and I packed up the rest of the dinner, the cheesecake, the rest of the chocolate chip cookies, and what I had left of the date nut bread which he said he really loved. I walked him to his truck and it had turned really cold probably because the sky was clear and the stars were out. I notice the stars more now being with Brad.

The Tribune reported that a huge new development surrounding the Holy Trinity Greek Cathedral on 3rd West and 3rd South in downtown Salt Lake City is coming. Looks like the Le France apartments and all the cottages on Del Mar and Wayne Courts will be demolished. That little artisan collective will soon be gone. Many of my friends like Bobbie Smith and Jimmy Hamamoto lived there in the early 90's. It was where many of our Sacred Faerie rituals and festivals took place. It was where Jeff Workman and I were lovers for a brief moment in time.

The Greek’s plan is to bring in elevated green plazas, public walkways, and an expanded cultural center for congregants of the Greek Orthodox Church of Greater Salt Lake.

I sent a message to Michael Aaron today saying “Robert Moolman needs a nice portrait of John Bennett for a memorial picture for the center do you have one? If so could you forward it to him? BTW did you hear that Charles Frost has stage 4 Colon cancer? That is what Dale Sheld informed me last Wednesday.” Michael Aaron responded, “I'll get someone to send a photo. I do know about Charles. I learned early but was sworn to secrecy. Charles told me at the beginning of the year. He says he has up to 2 years, though could of course be less.”

An Unsung hero Larry Tesler died on the 16^th at the age of 74. He made my life so much easier by inventing the cut, copy, and paste functions.  

22 February 2020 Saturday

Danny Montoya spent the night with Kyle Foote and left out early to head back to Wendover. Then Kyle emerged to start the process of roofing my house this morning. He went down to Home Depot and picked up two Mexican day laborers to help him and I went to America First and withdrew $200 to pay them. Kyle said that was the going rate as that they were mainly assisting him while he did all the actual nailing and trimming. I also later went down to McDonalds and bought two cheeseburger combo meals for the Mexicans so we fed them lunch.

            Kyle was up on the roof the entire day and he asked me to take pictures of the progress along the way. I helped clean up some of the debris but other than that didn’t do much else. They worked from 10 this morning until about 5:30 this afternoon with a half hour lunch break but was able to finish it all except for a little trimming Kyle said he would do later. I paid Kyle $1200 for doing the roof and $200 to the Mexicans.

            Kyle upon returning said he was getting too old for this kind of labor. He took some Tylenol because he was stiff and sore and went to bed to relax after fixing himself some nachos.

            I spent the rest of the evening watching “Young Sheldon” as that Kyle had signed us up for CBS all access.

Earlier in the day I did some census research on Brad Hart’s house in Ancestry for 1910 through 1940. We were interested in owners who lived on his street at 1000 West between North Temple and 200 North which back then it was 900 West and North Temple and 100 North before the street numbers were all changed in the 1940’s. He lives at 150 North 1000 West which I am pretty sure was once 48 North 9^th West.  He wrote back to me, “Awesome information! I agree, the house number 48 is probably my house. I know my neighbor’s house to the south was built in 1918. I think it’s interesting that the 1910 census doesn’t list the house directly north of me, because it is shown on the 1898 Sanborn maps. Maybe it was unoccupied  by 1910.”

23 February 2020 Sunday

Except for having to wash up all my bedding and go shopping for groceries, not much happened today. One of the pups or more wet on the bed so I had to strip the entire bedding and do several loads of washing. Kyle Foote didn’t emerge from his room for  much of the day, only this morning when he was hungry for biscuits and gravy. I think this is the first time he has asked to have a sit down breakfast.

            My stomach was queasy for much of the afternoon. I am not sure why. In the afternoon I made stuffed bell peppers for supper but I am the only one who ate any. I also made a blueberry cheesecake. I guess I am in a cheesecake making mood.

            I mainly got caught up on this season’s Young Sheldon series and then later started in on MOM. So, it was kind of a do nothing day.

            Kyle finished up the roofing trimming and then didn’t see him the rest of the day as he was down in his room-cave. I realized this evening that Tuesday I have a doctor appointment with Doctor Stoneburner, I guess I will have to reschedule.

            Johni Cerny who founded Lineages died at the age of 76. Bruce Harmon worked as a salesperson for Lineages for years and years. He got me a job in 1988 with the company as a researcher before I was hired as a teacher in the fall. I met her when she hired me but had no idea she was a Lesbian even if her best researchers were Gay men.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed I was with a bunch of queer folks going up some stairs with Connell O’Donovan passing me by, saying a disparaging remarked, so l grabbed him by his fat love handles and threw him down the stairs saying I was sick of him and to go back to California for another 20 years “then I tried calling people to tell my side of the story while everyone defended Connell because he was bawling” I don’t need a Jungian psychoanalyst to understand what came out of my subconscious. I also dreamed I was back at Orchard Elementary with my Principal Pam Parks.

24 February 2020 Monday

I was able to get in for a checkup with Dr. Stoneburner today, to my surprise. I called at 8:30 to cancel tomorrow’s appointment and there was an opening at 11 this morning.  I had to cancel tomorrow’s appointment because my solar panels are being installed. I knew I’d be waiting a while and I was right, I actually didn’t see Dr. Stoneburner until noon. The nurse weighed me in at 179 lb. and my blood pressure 115/65 so I guess I will live another day. I didn’t believe that it was so low so I had Dr. Stoneburner recheck it using a cuff and it was 130/70. I told him that my high number usually runs in the 150s at the Dentist. He said going to the Dentist would raise anyone’s blood pressure.  I am going to schedule a colonoscopy after learning Charles Frost has stage 4 colon cancer. Before leaving I made an appointment for Wednesday 6 May at 8 in the morning for a Wellness Checkup.

            I stopped at Arby’s on the way home to get a Gyro, Curly fries, and a medium Dr. Pepper which I later spilled all over the kitchen floor and Taco Belle stole half of my Gyro off my plate. I guess he was hungrier than I was.

            Kyle Foote was home when I returned and I was surprised that his Rogue wasn’t in the garage, He said he left it at Danny’s which confused me until later in the evening I learned that last night Kyle went out to Wendover, left his car there and came back into the city in Danny’s vehicle. That is why he came in so late last night at 2 in the morning.

            They left this evening to drive back out to Wendover to spend the night and retrieve Kyle’s car.

            I just spent the night catching up on CBS’s MOM episodes before going to bed at 9 at night.

My cousin Stephanie wrote and said Colon cancer runs in the family. “I have been going regularly every 3 years since dad died from colon cancer. 11 precancerous polyps removed. We are polyp prone in other areas of our bodies too. Have them check your thyroid. I have 3 growing there, but biopsies say they are currently ok. I go every 6 months to get them checked out. Uncle Edgar had polyps in his colon too I was told.”

 

25 February 2020 Tuesday

I really like the color of my new roof that Kyle Foote installed last Saturday “but it's going to be all covered up with Solar Panels because this is 2020 and I'm living in the future. The pups are not going to be happy today” I  have to lock them in the movie room as the solar panel installers are coming today and some have to be inside the house up in the attic” oh joy.

The panel installers came earlier than I thought at 8:30 this morning and more people have been on my roof in the past week than in 23 years. Drill ye Terriers drill” I can't watch much TV from the noise of drilling brackets into place on the roof

They worked until 4:30 but said they would have to come back tomorrow to finish the installation. So, I had to call Roseman Dental School and reschedule my appointment for March 4^th Wednesday at 9.

            I watched several episodes of Star Trek Discovery before heading off to bed and looking at Face book I had a message from Alison Smith who is my old school friend Jerry Smith’s daughter. That took me by surprise so I responded back and Jerry Smith wrote at 10:30 at night: “Hi Edgar I was looking for people on a Rancho website and I saw you.  I sent the email address I guess to your face book.  When I sent it I guess it might look like my daughter sent it.  We are hopelessly connected on our electronics.  It irritates her more than me. So, this is actually Jerry.  Just wondering how your life has gone and where you are at in the world.  Write me if you have the time. Jerry” His email address is jzuht@yahoo.com.

26 February 2020 Wednesday

When I got up this morning I wrote Jerry Smith an email and while I was anticipating a response back I never received one. I wonder if it was because I told him that I was Gay? Oh well.   

            The guys from Sparrow Electric was back over at 8 this morning and Kyle Foote was still here to tell them what needed to be redone with venting the attic before he ran off to school. I stayed with the dogs most of the day to keep them calm with so much activity going on inside and outside.

            The installers were done by 4:30 again and Kyle  remarked that they did a nice clean job. The power company won’t however be hooking me up until late March.  Terry McKeown who is a Face book friend and I had taught all three of his boys wrote “You’ll love your power bill. We have panels and in the summer our bill is just the basic service fee amount. Running the A/c none stop we pay about $10 a month during those hot summer times. He said he has 22 panels and I have 39.  Courtney Moser said that he only has 18 because that was all that could fit on one side of his roof. I have front and back because my electric bill was running close to $250 to keep the hot tub at 104 degrees and running the AC in the summer it was even more.

            As it was so nice out today I decided to lay out the dimensions of the small house which Kyle is calling the Los Casita using the 8 foot poles I had that once defined my garden which now will replaced. The house will be about 15 feet by 30 feet but two stories.

            I had  Mike Romero come over to pick up Coco and to look at the dimensions of the Casita. It’s much larger than I thought and I will still have half my back yard. Kyle was really hungry so I suggested we all go to Chubby’s for dinner where I treated us. It was nice relaxing and getting away.

            Back at the house Kyle Foote really wanted to get Tanya from Authentic Homes on board by paying her fee to get started. I was concerned whether I would have the money to pay the fee as I had a lot of expenditures lately. The fee was $4995 but I used my line of credit at First America to pay for it. “Authentic Homes with Build Team Construction will design all phases of the proposed Accessory Dwelling Unit on your site. This will include unlimited revisions and printing/copying of all necessary documents and presentation materials.”  So, I guess I am committed to the process.

Roy Zang said that Jill Hazard Rowe, who is a Mama Dragon who does a podcast wanted to contact me about being interviewed. So, I wrote her asking if she was interested and she responded “Yes! He was telling me that your story would be so important to share. Would you be interested in being a guest on my podcast?”

I answered “I would be happy to so” I am retired now so my schedule is pretty open. I've written a history column for the Q Salt Lake since 2004 and cohosted Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL from 1987 to 1994 so I've seen a lot of growth in Utah since I moved here in 1973 to attend BYU.”

Oh, that's amazing. Ok. Let me get back with you on some date options. How about noon on May 5th? The studio is at City Creek.” I said I would be there.

            So, I am going to be busy the first week into March. On Wednesday the 4^th I have a  9 o’clock Roseman Dental appointment and that night is my last History Lecture series.  Thursday an interview with Jill, and on Friday I am going to the Pompeii Exhibit at the Leonardo.

            I also received a surprise message this evening from Kelli Peterson, who 24 years ago started the Gay Straight Alliance at east High School. She wrote “Hey Ben-This is Kelli Peterson. I recently came across a box of archives from the GSA and I thought you would like to have them. Would you be interested?” I responded absolutely and asked her where I could met her to pick it up. She replied “Do you want to meet me at Bjorn’s Brews on State street on Saturday at noon? I have a meeting earlier close to that coffee shop.”  I said sure and thanked her and she wrote back, “No problem. I’ve intended to give the archives to you for a few decades so I’m glad I’m finally getting around to it.”  The address for the place is 2165 State St, South Salt Lake.

            Later I saw a message from Brad Hart asking if the Solar Panels were all in.  I responded to his message late at night after getting off the phone with Roy Zang. I wrote him, “Yes they are finally installed” it took 2 days” I am well and missing you” are we getting together Saturday night because of your Moms birthday? Are you jamming that night? Let me know how you are doing  love Ben”. Then I added, “I was on the phone with a gay friend who just learned his husband wants a divorce so had to deal with that or I'd responded sooner” thinking a lot about you.”  Brad responded, “I’m doing fine” just working a lot. I don’t know what the plan is for my mom’s birthday. I’ll try to find out tomorrow. We can get together Saturday. Or tomorrow.”

            I called Roy Zang about 10:30 tonight because he wrote on Face book he needed to talk to someone. I knew he must be upset as that he gets up at 3:30 in the morning and so this was way passed his bed time. He said  when he came home tonight, his husband told him that he  wants a divorce and wants to go back to China.”  I just let him have a listening ear because I know he must be devastated. His mom has a traumatic brain injury and even though younger than me is at an early stage of dementia and he said, “I don’t even have my mom now - she is not mentally here anymore.”   So, I let him talk out his shock and just listened. I said he could borrow my truck to use to move. I know what a break up is and how lonely it can be eating by yourself again.

            This is the letter I sent Jerry Smith, “Jerry, Well what a pleasant surprise!  I have searched for you over the years but with so many Jerry Lee Smith's in California I thought I'd never hear from you again. In fact, when I received the message that I thought was from your daughter, I was dreading that she was going to inform me that you had passed! So here we are both alive nearing 69 years old. Was it 50 years ago that we were only 19 with our futures ahead of us?

You must have been receiving some cosmic signal as I had been thinking about you a lot lately.  One of my recovery questions for an online account is "what was your childhood friend's name?" and of course I put down "Jerry".  Then about a week ago I attended a campaign rally for Pete Buttigieg here in Salt Lake because a younger friend wanted to attend.  I later told him I was too old for all that jazz and it would be the last rally I ever go to then I told him how the first rally I went to was to see George Wallace with you in November 1967 when he was campaigning for president. I said we sat in the front row and Wallace shook our hands. I said going to see Pete Buttigieg was a fitting atonement for the sins of my youth ha!

I thought about you and your family over the years and actually did some genealogy research on your Smith family line as I had worked for a brief time as a genealogist and I still do it as a hobby.  I don't know if you are interested in that at all but here goes

John Smith 1760-1804 married Jane McCarthy 1769-1819

William Barnum Smith 1793-1856 married Christina Stites 1789-1884

John Marion Smith 1817-1847 married Mary Ann Buchanan 1821-1866

Woodford Smith 1845-1894 married Catherine Charles 1848-1924

Lloyd Smith 1866-1905 married Belle Zona Clayton 1876-1934

Earl Lloyd Smith 1903-1962  married Edith Amber Parr 1899-1952

Your Dad

You

Well, where to begin with me. I am a retired Elementary School teacher of 28 years. I've lived in Salt Lake City since I moved back to Utah in 1985. My ex-wife  Fran and I separated in 1986 and divorced in 1988 after I came out as Gay. I left the Mormon Church and became active in Gay rights here in Utah. I received a Life Time Achievement from the community last year and received a certificate from the state of Utah in 2015 for preserving the History of LGBT people here.  I've written a monthly history column called Lambda Lore since 2004 and founded several Gay historical societies as well as support groups back in the 1980s.

I don't think it should be too much of a shock that I am Gay although tried my best to hide it. I don't know if you remember John Cunningham. He was the great love of my life back then. He committed suicide in 2007. 

My mom and dad have passed and I was extremely fortunate to have them as long as I did. They moved from Garden Grove in 1989 and were like gypsies after that moving to Victorville CA, Lubbock TX, Prescott AZ, Cottonwood AZ, Palmdale CA where dad died in 2003 the day after Christmas and mom then moved to Las Vegas NV and finally to San Tan AZ where she died in 2011 3 days after our birthday.

My two sisters are still living but I don't see them much. Donna lives in Yucaipa and Charline in San Tan AZ where they both are grandparents.  Fran and I never had children.

I've gone by the name Ben Williams since 1972 when I worked as a YMCA camp counselor  although I also go by Benedgar sometimes. I bought a house back in 1996 here in Salt Lake City and have lived here at 1633 Fernleaf Street Salt Lake City Utah 84116 ever since.  My phone number is 801 505 3459.  I am currently having solar panels put on the roof and this summer I am having a small house built on the property for rental. Prices are going up here in Utah but not as outrageous as California. The folks' old house on Dale Street is listed for more than a half a million dollars! They bought it in 1954 for $8500. ha! 

I have fostered a bunch of small dogs that I adopted, I have a garden and fruit trees, I still like to cook but since I had bariatric surgery to put diabetes in remission I can't eat much but I am down to the weight I was in high school! I just wish I still had the hair. 

Life has been good, ups and downs, mostly ups. I am healthy, happy with my life, and felt like I have done some good in this old world.

I will always think of you as the best boyhood friend I could ever have had. Thank you.  Hope you are well and happy too and so is your family

Your friend always Ben aka Edgar”

27 February 2020 Thursday

Brad Hart said his family wants to celebrate his mom’s 80^th birthday on Saturday, so he’s free for tomorrow. I wrote back to him “Yay” how about enchiladas casserole and refried beans for dinner tomorrow? I want to kiss you so much so be prepared.” He wrote back, “I love enchiladas! I will be looking forward to kissing you.”

            I wrote and asked Bill Poore if he wanted to go lunch but he never responded back so I went to lunch with Mike Romero to the Senior Center.

            I’ve also been talking to Roy Yang a lot or at least listening as his relationship falls apart as his husband filed for divorce.

            This evening, I watched several episodes of Star Trek Discovery before going to bed around 9 tonight. I like the show but it seems to have darker themes then other Star Trek series. Kyle had his night class so I was by myself much of the day.

            All that is in the news nationally is the fear of the Coronavirus becoming a pandemic and the incompetency of the Trump administration to prepare America for the inevitable contagion. The Stock Market dropped nearly 1000 points.

            Here in Utah the main thing the legislature is doing is decriminalizing polygamy.

It's sometimes even amazes me how far my collection and preservation of Utah’s Gay history reaches researchers. I received this message from a total stranger named Grace Watkins. I've always said I don’t have time to write a book. Too busy saving our prime resources for future historians”

“Hi there! I hope this finds you well. My name is Grace and I am a doctoral student in History at the University of Oxford writing about the history of American campus police. I am so sorry to contact you via Face book, I just wanted to reach out to thank you for the incredible work you’ve done. I have found it immensely helpful (and personally inspiring to me as an aspiring historian) as I research campus security at BYU, and I wish I had the travel funds to visit your archived materials at the University of Utah, especially the late 70s issues of The Open Door. I hope to highlight your work on the David Chipman case and related incidents in my next chapter. Do you happen to have any recommendations of where to look for any primary source material, besides state/local newspaper coverage? No worries at all if not, and thanks so much again. "

Some of my friends responded. Craig Hunter wrote “You are awesome!” and Courtney Moser said, “Your efforts are an invaluable resource to humanity.” Dan Fahndrich added, “Ben, which is a wonderful tribute to all of your hard work and energy for the betterment of all of us”. THANKS.”

James Dabakis wrote “OMG, that alone is a tribute for a life well-lived. Thanks Ben” and Deb Hall remarked, “Ben, which is fantastic. Thank you for all of your excellent and important work.”

28 February 2020 Friday

This morning I received a call from Tammi Hass who is handling my refinancing of my mortgage. She needed some more information regarding who carries my home owners insurance, if I was also Edgar Hugh Williams “Jr.”, and she never received a copy of my income from Social Security. I didn’t trust my ability to make a copy and send it on-line so I drove to America First on Pioneer Road and had them make a copy and fax it to her. So, all that is taken care of and she told me that it may take up to 60 days for it all to go through because they are so busy right now with people refinancing.

I went to lunch with Mike Romero at the River Bend Senior Center at 11:30. Actually we were almost late and we got the last two meals LOL not that I ate all that much. It was a warm day over 60 degrees.  When I came home after going to Deseret Industries where I was looking for a twin size head board, I prepped the enchiladas. I didn’t find any at DI but I was looking because last time Brad Hart and I fucked on the bed we knocked over a stand I had at the head of the bed.

Fridays are Kyle Foote’s long work days with Terraworks and he asked me when he came home from work to take him down to Sutherland’s parking lot where he caught a fun bus to Wendover rather than driving. He’s spending the weekend with Danny Montoya in Wendover.

Brad came over for our Friday dinner date night at 6:30. I fixed beef enchiladas, refried beans, Spanish Rice, avocado slices, chips and Pico de Gallo. For dessert I cheated and had bought a Marie Callendar Key Lime Pie. I make way too much food but most went home with him.          

After eating we relaxed in the hot tub. It was a really nice night out, not frigid at all. After soaking for a while we went into the movie room where I gave him a good back massage. I thought we were going to just cuddle but he surprised me by being aroused so I lubed up and climbed on him. After getting comfortable with him in me, we switched positions and made love Missionary style where we could kiss while fucking me. He was so intense and passionate that my face turned hot and we were really cooking. He was so intense and I felt like he really was connecting with me body and soul not just my body. He had a very forceful orgasm and we then just embraced catching our lovers breaths.

As usual we laid in bed for nearly another hour just talking about life while we embraced. Eventually we arose and went back into the kitchen to eat a bit more and have pie. Even there, Brad shared some of his frustrations with his parents and I just let him vent. He said he was sorry and I said don’t be because who can he share with if not his lover? I could tell he was really getting weary and so was I as I was nearly midnight. I said he could spend the night if he cared to but Brad prefers the comfort of his own bed and probably so do I.

It was a pretty night out still when I walked him out to his truck to kiss him goodbye and said be safe going home. So glad he only has to go as far at the Fairgrounds about two miles from here.

            I wrote Daniel Cureton, “Tomorrow I am picking up a box of documents from Kelli Peterson on the East High GSA “ I will get them to you as soon as I can.”

29 February 2020 Saturday

I had an interesting visit with Kelli Peterson this afternoon at Bjorn Brew on 21^st south and State Street. She wanted to give me a box of material from her days of her involvement with creating the first high school Gay Straight Alliance in Utah back in 1996 when she was a Senior. She’s a mother of a 10 year old now who just discovered his mother activism” I told her she surely made history and that I would make sure to keep the material safe” I feel so old. I was 45 when she was 18. I said I would give the material to Daniel Cureton to archive.

            From there I went to Deseret Industries to look for some long sleeve pull over shirts now that it’s getting warmer out, too warm to wear my poncho pullovers anymore.

            I should have worked on my lecture series but I just wasn’t in the mood so sat in the front room and watched Star Trek Discovery and fixed some Tostados for supper.

 Danny Montoya and Kyle Foote came home about 5 this afternoon and actually came upstairs and sat with me to visit some. They came back to Salt Lake to help Danny’s sister and her family pack up and move back to Las Vegas because they didn’t get the grant to stay at their place while here for their daughter’s cancer treatment. If your family has a major medical issue seeking medical treatment is a nightmare in America dictated by Insurance Companies.  I told Danny about the City of Hope and the Shriner’s Children Hospital that he didn’t know about so he could let his sister know about those facilities.

I went to bed fairly early around 8:30 after learning that Joe Biden won the South Carolina primary. He used to be the front runner but is more like a long shot now. MARCH

1 March 2020 Sunday

It’s been Snowing all morning this 1st of March but the ground has been so warm none of it is sticking to the sidewalks, driveway or streets. In fact, it snowed all day so I never left the house. It's one of those homemade ham and split pea soup with skillet cornbread kind of day and TV binge watching. I watched some more of Star Trek: Discovery and “IF” on the Criterion Channel. It was such an important film for me back in 1969 about youthful rebellion against the establishment and seeing naked boys on the big screen.

I did not know that meteorologists consider March 1st, the beginning of spring. So winter is over. The Meteorological spring is considered to be March, April and May. The other meteorological seasons consist of three consecutive months: Meteorological winter is December, January, February. Meteorological summer is June, July, and August. Meteorological fall is September, October, November.

Pete Buttigieg dropped out the Presidential race today after not showing in the South Carolina primary. So, I guess my vote for him for Super Tuesday is wasted but oh well. What an excellent role model for youth compared to Trump.  He’s going to endorse Joe Biden because he thinks Bernie Sanders is too radical for mainstream Americans.

2 March 2020 Monday

I heard on the news that some store shelves are running out of items by people scared of the Coronavirus and the main item people are stocking up on is bottled water” like water doesn’t come out of the faucet? I was at Lucky’s this morning and this woman had a cart filled with bottled water and bottles of bleach asking the checkout person if they carried face masks because she said she didn't want to get sick” paranoia. I guess the stock market dropped also last week because Coronavirus worries.  I survived the Hong Kong Flu, the Swine Flu, the Bird Flu, the AIDS epidemic so I am not too worried about the Coronavirus.

            I was bothered today when I learned from the financial company LoanPal that is financing the Solar Panels stated that my monthly payment will be closer to $190 than the $140 that I thought had originally agreed. The interest rate is 2.99 and is locked in for 20 years but by then I will be dead anyway but I am still nervous that I am accumulating all this debt and being on a fixed income. Kyle assures me that it will be fine but his assurances once got me in a financial mess.

            Bernie Sanders held a rally at the State Fairgrounds this morning. The news said about 6000 people turned out to hear him. I just cannot get behind him  not so much because of his positions but because of his fanatical followers who caused us the 2016 election.  Amy Klobuchar was in Salt Lake City too for her own rally but 2 hours later in the evening she withdrew from her Presidential candidacy also.

3 March 2020 Tuesday

I was listening to NPR this morning when they kept referring to Pete Buttigieg as LGBTQ and not as a Gay Man. When did it become politically incorrect to refer to a male homosexual as a Gay Man? Last I checked both he and I are not Lesbian, bisexual or trans although people have called me queer a lot and not in a friendly way. When did LGBTQ plus become an individual identity and not the name of a community? I don't get it but then I am a tired old queen.

Merrill Crosbie who is an old guy like me who attends the Gay Men’s Lunch Group and I got into a lively discussion. He is a total assimilationist who been with the same man for 37 years and never had been active in the community. He said, “I wish they would dump all the letters and just let “human” suffice.” I responded “Not me …. I want a homosexual …I don't like the guess work of whose in my tribe or playing on my team.” Merrill then said, “that only works if the letter is stamped on their forehead. I’m tired of being different. I want everyone in my tribe.” I replied, “Merrill Crosbie I fought too long and hard for my right to be different but not inferior. I’m not willing to filter who I am just to get along”” Merrill remarked back, “you are increasingly alone on that. Only old timers that fought the battle embrace it. Youngsters (like me) have it too easy and increasingly don’t need a label.” I retorted, “not having a label is a label.”

Kevin Scott commented, “LGBT is easier for a lot of people to swallow. Wait, I'm getting hungry.” I teased “Lettuce Bacon and Tomato but what is G?” Kelly Byrnes responded “Guac.” LOL

Roy Zhang wrote “I couldn’t agree with you more! I came out as a gay man !” and Randy Hoffman said “That is very odd that they referred to him with the whole acronym. He identifies as gay. He’s says it. No one needs to skirt around that.”

Bill Poore of course added “You know how I feel. I am a gay man period. I am not LGBTQ.”

My old friend Kathryn Warner who lives in Colorado now said “Right? And can’t the B, Q and the T have their own band wagon?”

Ruadhan O'Sheridan commented “Sounds like someone is checking someone's hyper-PC category box so no one feels left out.”

Jill Hazard Rowe who is a Mama Dragon and does a Pod Cast wrote, “Perhaps people think this is politically correct? I don't know. I definitely have a gay son. He would hate it if I called him my LGBTQ son. Lol.”

I watched some of the Super Tuesday results come in. Utah of course  went for Bernie Sanders and disappointingly so did California. However, the only other state he picked up was Vermont. Biden took the rest with none of the other candidates picking up any state but did win a few delegates. Sen. Warren really did badly because Sanders upstaged her.

I would think Warren and Bloomberg would give up after the drumming they have gotten tonight. And Why is the Russian asset Tulsi Gabbard still running for President if not to be a spoiler like Jill Stein of the Green Party did in 2016?

4 March 2020 Wednesday

This was a wasted morning. I went down to Roseman Dental for my 9 in the morning appointment and was kept waiting for around 40 minutes before finding out that Spencer Judd who is my regular student dentist was not in so I had to reschedule. His next opening isn’t until April 7, a month from now, and I made it for 10:30.

So, I just came back home and worked on my presentation for tonight and made some Peanut Butter Cookies.  I sent out a message, “Here's a Reminder that tonight is the last of the Utah Stonewall Historical Society’s Lecture Series as we finish up 1999 and the end of the Gay Nineties” over the past 3 years we have covered six decades of Gay history from the 1940s to the 1990s. Thanks for letting me share it with you” and yes there will be cookies.”  I didn’t expect many to be there tonight and I was right.

Jim Dabakis called this afternoon from Mexico and said he’s coming back this Friday so I will only have little Taco Belle for a few more days. He said I stirred up the Bernie Bots on his Face book from what I had posted about Sanders. We both laughed and said we were tired on their whining.

I had written, “My fear is that Sanders has developed a cult following of devotees much like Trump. He promises everything like Trump without the ability to follow through. Mainstream American Democrats and Independents aren't behind his crusade against Wall Street and many of his extreme views. He is an opportunist and demagogue not a Democrat and between him and Trump people will vote with their pocketbooks because they believe they are better off under Trump. If Trump wins there goes the Supreme Court and all the progress Democrats have made since FDR. It’s disheartening that young voters are more interested in voting for someone they agree with completely than saving our nation from the trump administration and its Russian influence”. having said that I will vote for him if he is the nominee because I love America more.”

Here’s another reason to elect Joe Biden. He spoke with CBS Houston reporter Marcelino Benito and confirmed on-camera that he’s already told Pete Buttigieg that he’ll have a job in the Biden administration.

Michael Bloomberg dropped out of the race after spending $500 million on ads and has now endorsed Biden.

I guess I am going this Sunday with Jim to see “Dear Evan Hansen” at the Eccles Theater for a matinee” I heard it’s sold out but don’t know much about it. He also said his husband Steve Jutesen is taking a travel group to Japan. I said it’s probably safer there than right now in Seattle, where the Coronavirus has caused the death of at least 9 people there.

            Kyle Foote came home from work about the time I was getting ready to leave. He was too tired to attend my meeting so I told him there was Taco Soup in the refrigerator. I later saw that he posted “Thank you Benedgar Williams for the delicious bowl of taco soup after a long day of work.”

Well, we had a small yet enthusiastic group for the wind up of the USHS lecture series. Thanks to Jeff Laver, Paul Milne, Angela Snow, Charles Bigo, and Richard Harmston for coming. I think Charles and Richard had almost perfect attendance since we began back in Sept 2017. I had made hundreds of cookies over the years also. It wouldn't be a Ben Williams meeting without homemade cookies. It was kind of sad ending this chapter of my life but everything has a shelf life.

In the news, not surprisingly BYU backtracked on its more accepting Honor Code. “Same-sex romantic behavior cannot lead to eternal marriage and is therefore not compatible with the principles in the honor code,” said the letter, which was written by Elder Paul V. Johnson, commissioner of the Church Educational System of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Doug Murri wrote “There was never a shift in their acceptance. They did some "word play" to make it appear they were being more accepting. But it was clear that nothing was changing. People may have "wanted" to see acceptance in it. But it was never there. We've all seen and experienced the Church's doublespeak on the issue of homosexuality. They do something damaging to their public image, then they try to do some PR repair. But the reality is it never changes. To run after these shiny objects, they toss out in press releases is worthless.

The greatest gifts I've ever given myself have been to move from the state of Utah. I literally felt I was finally breathing again. Then, when I officially resigned my membership in "the Church", when that letter arrived in my mailbox, I opened and read it, I have to admit I felt some deep sadness. A part of me died. That was the old me that I had held on to from my earliest memories. But, after a few days, my sadness melted away and I felt lighter, fresher, more free and refreshed. It was like a new beginning.

The Church talks about the new beginning that baptism brings to individuals. But I felt that same new beginning when I got that letter removing my membership and the blessings of my Priesthood. I now rejoice in that day. They hold no power over me anymore. Be gone, all you grumpy, old, white Republican men in SLC. Be gone with you!”

·         T.J. Otaka Sorry we couldn't be there tonight. We wished we could have been there. It was our night for "Dear Evan Hansen." We thank you for giving us the opportunity to learn about the gay history in Utah. We appreciate your efforts

·         Deb Hall Thank you for all of your knowledge, great stories and personal accounts in the recounting our Utah history. I have enjoyed the classes I’ve been able to attend.

5 March 2020 Thursday

It was a really nice day with temperatures up in the mid 60’s.  The weather was so nice that I decided to do some yard work. I replanted the peach tree in the backyard in line with the nectarine and apricot trees to get it more out of the way when construction commences this summer. Then I raked a lot of leaves out of flower beds in the front yard and cut back some of the shrubs. I am just starting to spruce the place up after a long winter.

            In the news Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the Presidential race after such a poor showing in Super Tuesday, failing even to take her own state of Massachusetts.       

6 March 2020 Friday

            Danny Montoya came and stayed at the house this morning. He said he’s off until the 16^th so I wonder if he will stay here the entire time or go back home to Las Vegas for some of the 10 days.

I went to the Leonardo’s Pompeii Exhibition this morning with Mike Romero and we met TJ Otaka and Jim McMullin downtown. I've had a fascination with Pompeii ever since seeing this giant naked statue in the film Last Days of Pompeii as a boy” hmmm I must have been Gay.

I really enjoyed the exhibit because I love museums and history” amazing examples of artifacts from daily life 2000 years ago in the Roman Empire were on display. Because we went early it wasn’t crowded at all and you could take your time looking at the exhibits and reading the information about each display.

 It took us a little more than an hour and it felt like we were not rushed. They even had a discrete section for some of the erotica found there, phallus charms and frescoes of heterosexual couples but no Gay graffiti which I’ve read is all over the place in old Pompeii.

The most poignant exhibits I thought were the body casts of some of the people who died in the eruption. I had seen pictures before but seeing them in person was truly fascinating. I thought the Pompeii exhibition was well worth it as I will never go to Italy to see Pompeii. The only down side was that there was no place to really sit along the corridors and standing for that period of time kind of made me tired.

Also, when we went to use the escalator to the 2nd floor. It wasn’t working so it was a bit of a climb. They had an elevator but I don’t do elevators unless I have too. I suppose it depends on how much you like history whether you'd enjoy the exhibit or not” we all did, I think.

In the gift shop TJ and Jim bought some clothing souvenirs, Mike bought an insulated mug, and I just bought a Pompeii magnate that had a mosaic of a dog on it.

Angela Snow commented “There were a lot of preserved ancient Roman artifacts. There wasn't as much volcanology as I would have liked, but there was some. I had mixed feelings about the casts of the people who died. It definitely helped to emphasize that these were real people who were affected by a tragedy, not just a great archeological discovery, but it seemed a bit intrusive.”

My cousin Terrie Williams commented “I also like museum and to be able to really read and browse and contemplate. I felt a little rushed because of the crowd at the King Tut exhibit but it is worth going because like you said, I probably won't be traveling to the foreign countries. Sounds like a perfect adventure.”

We were done going through the Leonardo by 11:30 so we walked over to Charlie Chows on 4^th South where Mike treated us to lunch. I of course only had a cup of hot and sour soup and some spring rolls. That was more than enough.

            I spent the rest of the gorgeous Spring day fixing a Friday night dinner of tuna and noodle casserole, buttered asparagus, garlic bread sticks, and strawberry short cake for dessert.

I was kind of surprised today that Jim Dabakis hadn’t come by to pick up Taco Belle  so I had him for another night. I fed the pups left over roast pork for their supper.

Kyle Foote and Danny joined Brad Hart and me for supper and there was  plenty of food. They came up to eat however after Brad I got undressed to go sit in the hot tub. So, they didn’t actually eat with us. It was such a nice night out for it and the waxing moon was so big and luminous in the sky.

Brad shared with me his past week while we soaked and to my surprise he started vaping. I didn’t care and told him that but I was surprised to learn that about him after all these weeks we have been together. Better vaping than smoking for sure which he had given up except marijuana. I thought it funny when he said he had hid the fact that he vaped from me because he thought it might be a deal breaker in our relationship. Hardly.

We left the hot tub for the twin bed in the movie room and we mainly just held each other and talked. I did climb on top of him and we fucked a little but not to climax. Actually, I was a little anxious I might not be as clean as I wanted as I didn’t have time to douche before he came over like I normally do. I guess I have issues with that. But he didn’t mind that he didn’t cum and we just snuggled and held each other.

He actually thanked me for listening to him vent last week about how his father did him wrong pressuring him to buy some property in Idaho that he thinks he will never get the value out of it. He commented that it really helped him having someone listen to him and I said that is what people do when they are in a relationship, so I guess we are in one. A strange one, but in one, nevertheless.

Brad stayed until 12:30 in the morning. I think just comfortable being with me but I sent him home because I knew he was really getting tired and I know he likes to sleep alone in his own bed.

In the news there was a large protest near the Mormon Church’s office building by young people protesting the rescinding of more lenient policies towards Gays at BYU.   

7 March 2020 Saturday

I did very little today except loads of laundry and stripping my bed and remaking it. I worked on my Gay Utah Blog updated some information but that was mainly all.

The House of the Barking Dogs just got a little quieter tonight” Jim Dabakis came by to retrieve the little boy” Taco was so excited to see Jim. We visited a little about how Taco will respond going back with Jim and being alone after being part of the pack here. I think he will be fine as long as he get to be with Jim most of the time.

Jim said the sale of his Avenue townhouse fell through and he’s relieved really because he didn’t really want to move anyway.

I went ahead and turned most of my clocks ahead today just to start getting used to the new hours now that we are going back on Day Light Savings Time tomorrow.

Is it me or does it seem like the Mormon God is schizophrenic about Gays? One minute children of Gay couples can't get baptized, then they can” one minute BYU Gays can show affection, and then they can’t ”it’s almost like old white men are making these calls”

Mick Mulvaney is exiled to Ireland and North Carolina Klansman I mean Republican Mark Meadow is the Criminal in Chief's new ass kisser” ever noticed all the people who are replacing the stooges in the White House are worse than their predecessor? It's almost like trump has dementia or something.

8 March 2020 Sunday

I was up and down all night peeing and I also had a gassy stomach that gave me a painful stomach so I had a fitful sleep. It seemed lonesome not having Taco Belle tucked in my side also. I had the strange dream about Phil Casas, the neighbor boy I had sex with as a teen in Garden Grove back in the 1960’s. I dreamed not about him but that his sons who wanted to sue me for writing and implying that their father was a homosexual and I said that it was him throwing pebbles at my bedroom window for me to come out and have sex rather than me seducing him. Strange and weird dream that came bubbling to the surface.

I left the house at noon today to meet Jim Dabakis at 12:30 this afternoon to see Dear Evan Hansen at the Eccles Theater. I never saw the place so packed and because of the metal detectors it took a long time for everyone to get into the Theater.  I kept waiting for Jim and his friends” and he barely was there after the 3^rd bell for people to take their seats. As it was, I was surprised that the ticket I had was in row TT in the Orchestra sitting by myself. I thought I was sitting with this woman friend of his but she was in another row too, by herself. I ended up with a nice seat but was stuck in the middle of a row of people to the left and to the right of me. I was kind of tired and really wasn’t all that into the play but others were bawling through most of it but either I was stoic or hard hearted so I just concentrated on the incredible singing voices.  

The musical was too depressing for my tastes as I want musical theater to be peppy and lively with lots of chorus boys. I think I would have declined going if I knew what the play was really about and that I would be sitting nearly 3 hours by myself. I would have stayed home but Jim did pay $115 for the ticket to a play that was sold out.  

When it was over at 2:45, I just left the theater rather than try to find Jim and his friends, who I didn’t know, in the throng of theater goers. It must have poured outside while I was in the theater as the streets were wet downtown and so was my car’s windshield.

Kyle Foote took Danny Montoya to the airport so he could fly home to Las Vegas to see his folks for a couple of days. I think Kyle was kind of relieved because he had this school project he had to work on.

I just spent the evening binge watching the last of Season 2 of Star Trek Discovery for the rest of the night.

I did send a group message on Face book inviting TJ Otaka and Jim McMullin, Alan Anderson and Kyle Daniels, Richard Harmston and Charles Bigo, and Brad Hart to a St. Patrick Dinner next Sunday. I also told Kyle that if he and Danny are around they are invited too. However, Richard said he and Charles will be out of town that weekend.

I heard that Mart Crowley, Tony-winning playwright of The Boys in the Band, is dead at the age 84. He and Natalie Wood are now reunited.  

9 March 2020 Monday

I Had the weirdest dream again that I was back teaching and wanted to do a lot of Christmas art with my students but I had gotten rid of it all when I retired so I went to another classroom asking if they kept copies of all the projects I had made but the room was empty and the teacher there said she had been let go because of budget cuts” I woke up so sad that I was not able to have my students do fun Christmas art projects” I've been retired 5 years now and still seem to be still a teacher in my subconscious” being a teacher must have been what defined me for over a quarter of a century”.

Today is the Monday Morning after DLST when everybody goes to work in the dark and is late” I'm retired and I even hate it and the stupid Utah legislators want to make it permanent” Pity the farmers and school children” noon is supposed to be when the sun is directly overhead not at 1 pm “ DLST was instituted to save energy during a crisis not for businessmen to play golf longer” Salt Lake is on the edge of the Pacific Time Zone anyway so we get summer twilight even until 9 why do we need it until 10 pm? I wish we were like Arizona and would stay on Standard Time” I know that's unpopular but so is being a Democrat in Utah.

I made some biscuits and scrambled eggs this morning for breakfast and then just worked on my journaling and adding information to my Gay History Blog. I watched a few episodes of shows I like on Hulu, mainly Bob’s Burgers, The Simpsons, and Brooklyn 99.

I was surprised to see Kyle Foote home at noon but he said he didn’t have to go into work and he had stayed up until 3 in the morning to finish this class project for his Interior Design class at Weber State. He said it was incredibly time consuming.

I went out in the afternoon to work some more in the yard even though it never got very warm.  In fact, it sprinkled a little later in the day so I called it quits working outside. I mainly planted some Japanese Iris bulbs, cleaned leaves out of the flower beds, and dug up a lot of the chives near the roses which have spread. They really can get out of control if you let them. It felt good being out grubbing in the soil after the long winter and now is the time to dig while the ground is still damp.

For supper I asked Kyle if he felt like going out and he did so we went to China Delight on North Temple because that is one of his favorite places. He ordered an Orange Chicken bowl and I ordered Pork Chow Mein because I was in the mood for veggies but of course I took most of it home.

After we were done eating we drove around Fair Park and the Marmalade area looking at how small many of the old homes are. Some of them were the same size as will be the small house in the back yard. It was nice to be out driving around with Kyle. 

I wrote on Face book “Is it okay to self-quarantine for 14 days even without the Coronavirus? Asking for a friend.”

A bunch of Conservative Congressmen including Ted Cruz are self-quarantining themselves after attend the Conservative Convention where they came in contact with someone with the Coronavirus. The entire country of Italy has declared itself under a type of quarantine to keep the virus from spreading because 400 have died there. I guess the virus takes its toll on the elderly, like me, and not so many young people.

In the news Oil took biggest daily dive since 1991 Gulf War prices dropping by a third and the stock market dropped nearly 2000 points due to the Coronavirus scare.

10 March 2020 Tuesday

I am done wore out! I spent 2 hours moving castle block bricks, digging a trench for them, replanting my herb plants in front of the bay window, pulling up Bishop Weed that had gotten out of control, and planting more bulbs. I ate the left over Chow Mein for supper and soaked in the hot tub until I was good and tender” I’ve gotta get it all done before the Corona bug gets me and I am sure it will at one point”

Primary Tuesday for Washington State and others.., I wonder if fear of contagion will keep people away and how it will affect things”

Tonight, I watched the news and Joe Biden won Mississippi, Missouri, and Michigan. It was later announced that Washington state and North Dakota is going for Sanders but Idaho went for Biden. The biggest prize of course was Michigan which many thought Sanders would carry.  The biggest take away is that people are voting for whom they think can beat Trump, over ideology. Who every gets the nomination will be a 1 term president” suck it up” I survived Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George W Bush and y’all can survive 1 term of Biden or Sanders. Clean out the Trump Administration from the White House first and in 2024 the Social Democrats can have their Revolution.

My cousin Stephanie Williams wrote me: “Michigan is the biggest prize, with 125 delegates, followed by Washington (89), Missouri (68), Mississippi (36), Idaho (20) and North Dakota (14). Michigan, Washington and Missouri — and their combined 282 delegates — make up 80% of the delegates at stake Tuesday.

I responded, “Sanders will stay in to be a spoiler and his Bernie fans will throw as much mud at Biden as possible and then stay home and pout.” Stephanie replied, “If they do that again and if Bernie does not right away get on the Biden “we must defeat Trump” train. I hope history does not repeat itself, unfortunately that seems to happen way too often.”

In other news Putin is trying to destroy the Shale Oil industry in America but glutting the market with cheap oil. I haven't heard trump say anything about his good buddy Putin's aim to cripple America, have you?

11 March 2020 Wednesday

            While checking Face book this morning I read that Stephen Bollinger’s husband  Michael Sealey had passed. His obituary only said that he died on the 7^th of “unexpected health complications.” I asked Chuck Whyte what did Mikey die of but he didn’t know. He was only 59 years old. Poor Stephen has had a share of sorrows when his sister was murdered some time back.

Jim brought Taco back over this morning for a play date. The little guy was missing his pals “I went to the men’s noon sack lunch and Lordy folks must have been scared of the old Corona Virus because only 4 of us old dudes ventured out. I heard that the Mormons cancelled people coming to April Conference and told them fools just to stay home and watch it on TV.

I am prepared to watch for the Corona bug hit Salt Lake City with a vengeance when all those international Returned Missionaries comes homeland I need to stock up on some more toilet paper. Isn’t that what everyone is doing?

            After lunch I went to Deseret Industries and dropped off a bunch of size 38 shorts and some shirts that I don’t wear anymore and bought some more shorts at size 36 for the summer. It was very nice out which made me think of the warmer weather that is coming.

We’ll all that is in the news is the spreading of the Coronavirus. Major venues are shutting down, schools are closing, the stock market is crashing and poor Tom Hanks and his wife have confirmed they have the affliction.

            Trump addressed the nation about the Coronavirus pandemic blaming everyone and everything but his administration. He ordered a thirty day travel ban from Europe. How are Mormon Missionaries getting home, I wondered at first, but then heard the ban did not apply to Americans. Like viruses can recognize nationalities” wash hands avoid crowds and eat healthy.

The general feeling I am getting from people I know is “Everybody's going to end up getting it. Don't stress.” We survived AIDS we will survive this” we are tough old birds

Jim Dabakis wrote: “Obviously, with COVID, Utah cannot wait for leadership from the 'it's all going to be fine' FEDS. Italy has 12,462 cases with 827 deaths. South Korea has 7,755 cases with just 60 deaths. Much of the difference is that South Korea went to a severe social distancing system FAST! Italy waited for cases to pop up. The Italian health care system has been hit with thousands of cases at once. The medical system has collapsed causing deaths to skyrocket. Our state should be moving now with closures and strict rules so that in two weeks' time we are not facing hundreds of cases!

The Utah 'We are Ready' press conference aside, are Utah's medical facilities and staff ready for hundreds of highly contagious people over a very short period of time? This is the moment for real leadership to step up.”

            Courtney Moser wrote: “As the uncertainty of the Corona Virus continues, The Matrons of Mayhem wanted to let you know that we will continue our regular bingo schedule (Friday March 20) until otherwise advised by the health department. And out of an abundance of caution, we will temporarily suspend the wearing of hats during party fouls and will sanitize the handles of the butterfly nets between each use. Please use common sense and stay home if you are ill.”

12 March 2020 Thursday

It's the end of the world as we know but I feel fine.  I went to the Senior Center with Mike Romero for lunch this afternoon were they served a very nice ham dinner but we were worried about all the old people there and how the Corona Virus might impact them.

 Well, the panic shopping has commenced. After meeting Mike Romero for lunch at the River Bend Senior Center, I went to Lucky’s on Redwood Road to get some dog food for Lulubelle because she is so picky and to get cabbage for dinner this Sunday. There almost every parking space in the lot was taken.

Inside the store people were lined up, some with 2 shopping carts, full of cases of bottled water, toilet paper, top ramen, rice, beans, canned meats, sports drinks, boxes of macaroni and cheese, you name it. I never saw the likes of it ever. Every cashier was working themselves down to the bones”

Doug Murri wrote “It was exactly the same at my local Smith's here in Vegas. No shopping carts. No parking spaces. People with 2 carts filled like mountains. No toilet paper, water, no potatoes, no meat, no milk. It was pure insanity. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. Pure panic.”

I thought I better pick up a few staples while in the store” like flour, sugar, oil, powder milk, eggs, and butter, the staples because I know how to cook.  I wanted some Italian sausage for Spaghetti I am making for Friday date night and since Lucky’s didn't have any, I went to the Rose Park Smith's and they were completely out of toilet paper “Wow! I also went to the State Liquor store to buy some red wine to cook with.

I am not worried so much about the corona bug as much as a mandatory quarantine keeping me at home.

Kyle Foote said Weber State is going on line to keep people home as is the U of U. He said he received a call from the guy who wanted my shed last year asking if I still wanted to get rid of it. I do.

Jim Dabakis came by right as I came home from shopping and picked up little Taco Belle so I’m back to 4 pups plus Coco. He said that the buyers of his townhouse are still interested after all.

Well, the Corona Virus Apocalypse has come to Utah and basically all social gatherings have been shut down. The governor announced a shutdown of all gatherings of 100 people or more so I guess Mormons are staying home from church.

The Mormon Church announced they are closing some Temples to stop the spread of the contagion.  Later they suspended all Sunday church services worldwide. Well, it's sad that so many Mormon brides will have to postpone their Celestial Marriages for the time being, with the closure of some Mormon Temples around the world. I hope they can remain chaste for the duration of the plague.

On the positive side, when the temples do reopen Mormons will be busy having that many more Baptisms for the dead. Even Mormon owned City Creek Mall closed down for the day to disinfect. 

I also learned that all county senior centers will be closed indefinitely because of the virus. So many seniors, who attend the centers and depend on them for their daily meals, companionship, and resources, are out of luck. Seniors are the most vulnerable for the virus. At my age I have a 3.6 percent chance of dying of Corona Virus according to reports however for Bill Poore and those over 70 it goes up to 8 percent. However, he the lifetime risk of being diagnosed with colorectal cancer is about one in 20.

When I took Coco home, Mike Romero said that Dominion Mountain Fuel was on lockdown after 1 this afternoon with no one allowed to come on site without checking in first.

            I filled out the 2020 census this afternoon. It didn’t have that many questions, just who lived in the household, their relation to head of household, birthdates, ethnicity, and whether the head of the household owned or rented. They did allow people to put down as a relationship a same sex partner or spouse as an option. They wanted exact birthdates this time too which is nice for future genealogists, although this information won’t be made public until 2092.  I entered that Kyle Foote was part of my household as a housemate and so he will now always be listed as part of my official existence. It kind of gives me a comfort to know he will be connected to me in some way. He is lucky that he was released from prison in time for the census count or he could have been enumerated as incarcerated.

            So, the country is shutting down and the stock market is tanking. March Madness basketball tournaments are canceled” all shows on Broadway in New York City have closed. Here in Utah all arts venues have closed also like The Eccles Theater, the Rose Wagner, and well as most universities and colleges and some school districts.

My cousin Terrie Williams wrote “Disneyland is closing until end of April. So is Universal Studios. It's a big thing here. A lot of the sports events as well as Coachella Music Festival are moving to October. Cities make a lot of revenue from these events in the way of taxes as well as hotels and restaurants and limo services. Festivals in the spring are popular here and help to lift moral. Glad I have some books and lots of art and craft things.”

This late afternoon the Pride Center made this announcement, “Effective immediately, your Utah Pride Center is putting into effect a plan of action in regard to COVID-19/coronavirus. Our obligation to our community is to be present for you while simultaneously considering the safety of our community members in light of what the W.H.O. has declared a pandemic.”  Even the Utah AIDS Foundation is closing its doors until March 27.

            Courtney Moser wrote “In accordance with Governor Herbert's direction to limit public gatherings to fewer than 100 people, we will need to cancel bingo scheduled for March 20th. We will reschedule when things calm down. Please let people know that this is just a postponement. We regret any inconvenience this may cause. Please stay tuned for further bingo announcements. Stay well and wash your hands, B4 and After and During and In Between””

            Besides Tom Hanks and his wife, I also heard that Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada’s wife has the virus. I didn't survive the AIDS plague of the 80's and 90's in SLC to be taken out by a virus named after a fucking beer!

Lord I only want to live long enough to see Trumps administration of Criminals swept from the White House” then I'm ready to go” I've had a good time” however if there’s any justice the Trump White House would all be infected for eliminating the national pandemic team of experts in 2018

Because America elected a moronic narcissist as President we are reaping the whirlwind. Perhaps if Trump and John Bolton would not have eliminated in 2018 the expert team of those who knew the most about curtailing an epidemic in the first place and underfunding the CDC we wouldn't be in such a mess” Look to the Trump White House for culprits not others. Keep voting Republican and it will not bode well for humanity

13 March 2020 Friday

Well, I survived another Friday the 13^th by staying home all day except to take Coco over to Mike’s home. I was bored this morning so I made 6 mini loaves of pumpkin bread with dried fruit I needed to use up.  It was much cooler today than yesterday so didn’t even work in the yard.

            I received a message from Brad Hart this afternoon saying he wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming over tonight for the spaghetti dinner I had prepared. He said he was okay but hadn’t gone camping either as it was too cold. I was disappointed for sure but wrote back to him that it was okay and just for him to rest and bundle up. Not sure if he was physically ill or had depression. Doesn’t matter either way I suppose, because I spent the evening alone watching Rita Hayworth in the classic “Gilda”.

This evening Kyle Foote called me and wanted to assure me that I mattered to him. It kind of took me by surprise as he had left in the late afternoon to drive to Wendover to spend the weekend with Danny Montoya.

Earlier in the afternoon when he came home from work, he told me about his plan to build a small wall in the basement to have the electric panel moved from outside to inside. Evidently he felt like I doubted his intentions about doing projects for me when I really hadn’t. I was just tired and I guess he misconstrued my lack of enthusiasm as my feeling like I didn’t matter much to him. He repeated over and over during the conversation that I matter very much to him. I guess he had feelings that I wasn’t aware of” as he repeatedly kept telling me that I do matter to him. I said I appreciated that but I couldn’t tell where this was coming from except that he felt bad that he felt like I felt like I didn’t matter to him.

After last Valentine’s explosion at me I guess I have dampened down my feelings and expectations of what it would be like having Kyle live here. I do love him but I have to hold back as not to be overwhelming. I told him I heard today that all visitations to the prison have been suspended for a while. That will be hard on a lot of inmates and their families.

            Denise Wachs texted me about my sister Charline being back in the hospital. She wrote “Hi. Moms back in the hospital.  She started acting weird and we suspected stroke. She seems ok now but has gone back into a fib  and is getting readmitted to the heart center. She may have some fluid on her lungs too but I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor for full details.  Once she goes home Heidi and I are going to make sure her and dad both get home health care.  It's too much for James and Rachel is no help. Anyways I'll keep you posted. Love You.” About an hour later she wrote “Good news. No stroke. Just left over side effects from her procedure.  Phew. So that's good.  But still keeping her over night to make sure.”

            I fell asleep in the lazy boy chair listening to music from the 70’s. I guess feeling nostalgic and wondering what this 21^st century plague will do us all. So, I guess the Mormon's Year Supply directive wasn't so crazy after all. However too bad they didn't insist on a year supply of toilet paper as well as cracked wheat LOL Growing up in Earthquake country I always had items in the house stocked up for an emergency” have gallons of water in the freezer for the pups even” just didn't know toilet paper would be a thing” I have plenty of that and soap also” only thing I am low on is laundry soap”

14 March 2020 Saturday

I sent out this message to my friends who I invited over for dinner before all this virus  lock down happened. I wrote, “Because of all that is going on if people want to stay home this Sunday, I completely understand”. I will still cook dinner but no obligation ….   We will have a no hugs event LOL”. Be safe.” I never heard back from anyone so I guess people are still coming.

I was up way too early so I made some buttermilk biscuits and hot mocha coffee for breakfast. Well, they say bread is flying off the store shelves here in Utah which seems odd since Mormon Sacrament and Sunday School meetings have been suspended” It doesn’t affect me not having bread because I'd rather make biscuits for breakfast instead of toast anyway” biscuits and scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, biscuits and honey butter” I've got plenty of flour and baking powder so I am good for the duration”

            I worked all morning on Ancestry.com trying to determine my great-nephew Nate Ferguson’s paternal line. There’s a lot of dead ends with that family. I wanted to work in the yard but it was too blustery outside making it much too cold. The wind can stop any time now” enough already.

            So I isolated today and didn’t see anyone or go out. I’m researching family genealogy, keeping up with my journals, and will be typing up the old hand written ones, keeping my Utah Gay History blog up to date, binge watching Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus, Netflix, and CBS Access, as well as doing Spring Cleaning and yard up keep will keep me busy during the lock down here in Utah” who has time to worry about what's been canceled? As long as we have water, power, and food in the pantry we will get through this “ this plague may seem scary to some but it's not my first rodeo. Having gone through the AIDS epidemic that targeted me specifically, hopefully with precautions I can weather this one. I feel sorry for parents who have to work and have small children at home and seniors who will really feel isolated from the world “.Is Trump done making America Great Again? Asking for a friend.

            I called my sister Donna Jones this evening to see how she and Kevin are doing. She and my nephew Kevin are fine” her house in Yucaipa is being sold to an investor because it was too run down to put on the market. She said it was in pretty bad shape, almost dilapidated because Ken never took care of the place and Donna worked full time. She said she will probably be moving to Bullhead City, Arizona in middle of April or 1st of May. That’s on the Colorado River across from Nevada. She is doing okay and  just like me staying home and trying not to get sick.

 

15 March 2020 Sunday The Ides of March

Beware the Ides of March” It's like March Madness in America without all the basketball. While others are stock piling toilet paper and Top Ramen and lamenting that there’s no bread on store shelves, I am following Marie Antoinette's great advice when told the people have no bread” she replied supposedly "We’ll let them eat cake"“ So I was up this morning making a pineapple upside down cake as well finishing up a coconut cream pie.  Jim McMullin and Brad Hart both like pie.

People are panicking but it's not the Black Plague or even the Spanish Flu” just wash your hands, stay home as much as possible, email your friends, read a book or catch up on your programs better yet clean your filthy house” Until someone is coming up the street yelling "Bring Out Your Dead" stop buying so much damn toilet paper as it appears many of you are already scared shitless and don't need any.

So I worked most of the morning prepping for dinner and cleaning house. Most of the meal is easy to just let it do its own thing but I never made Irish Soda Bread before but it looked like it turned out fine. Those who ate it said it had a good flavor. The proof is in the pudding so they say.

Maybe being a direct paternal descendant from 5th Century Irish King Nials of the Nine Hostages gave me the knack to make good Soda Bread” or maybe it’s because I made 4 punctures in the dough to let the fairies out so as not to ruin it.

I really wasn’t sure who was coming but no one canceled even though they are advising people to stay home. Alan Anderson and Kyle Daniels were the first to arrive followed by T.J. Otaka and Jim. I was a little worried that Brad might not come but he did and that made me really happy. We greeted each other without hugging which seemed odd but precautionary. It was an important development in Brad and my relationship for him to actually meet some of my friends and they him.

We had a nice spread of corned beef, cabbage, carrots, parsley potatoes, pimento corn, green beans with bacon, ham with pineapple glaze, a Waldorf green jello salad, Irish Soda Bread, Coconut cream pie, and pineapple upside down cake. Jim doesn’t care that much for corned beef so that is why I made some ham for him. T.J. and Jim McMullin brought me a festive St. Patrick Day bouquet and Alan and Kyle brought some delicious sugar cookies so we had plenty of sweets.

I think everyone had their fill and having horseradish with the corn beef as Brad had suggested was delicious. Kyle had two plates but then he always loves my cooking. It did not seem awkward at all having a former lover Kyle here having dinner with my current lover. Kyle said his school is shut down for the students but he has to go in and teach on line. Alan is still going into his office while most of his co-workers are working from home. T.J. said Daybreak’s recreation center is shut down but they are fine otherwise.

So, it was nice having a few friends over for a St Patrick Day dinner and it may be the last get together we have for a while as they are imposing more restrictions. In California the governor closed all bars and night clubs and restricted Seniors to their homes so as not to overwhelm their health services. We are not that Draconian yet but you never know. Park City closed all their restaurants and bars. Now that we are supposed to socially isolate it may be awhile before I can host another dinner.

People left about 3 in the afternoon after 2 hours and we didn't hug or shake hands but gave the Vulcan hand gesture saying, “Live Long and Prosper”. I sent home all the leftover food with everyone.

Brad was the last to leave and we walked around the yard looking at what was starting to bloom. He admitted that the reason he didn’t come over last Friday was that he was depressed. I thought that was the real reason. Brad was the only one I hugged and quickly kissed saying goodbye when he left. We aren’t supposed to but how can you not?

My cousin Terrie Williams commented saying “I made corned beef in my crock pot then sautéed thin sliced potatoes with thin sliced cabbage and an assortment of herbs like basil and just a little cumin with pepper” sautéed with extra virgin olive oil. Then I made a bed of potatoes and cabbage with shredded brisket. Yummy. Your bread looks like it would be yummy warm with a little Irish butter and some local honey.”

I talked to Roy Zang in the afternoon who is being divorced by his Chinese husband that has nothing to do with the virus. He said the Chinese markets down in South Salt Lake are fully stocked because no Anglos are shopping there.

After talking to him in the late afternoon I thought I’d venture out to the store.  I needed Milk and laundry soap so I ventured out to Smith's here in Rose Park. The panic buying is over it seems but the shelves were bare of a lot of staples” no flour or sugar at all, bread all gone, as well as paper products and bottled water” I picked up a few things and people seemed a lot calmer without long lines. There were signs limiting amounts of certain things you could buy and the hours were reduced.

At home tried to call my sister Charline Wachs but each time just went to voice mail so I spent the evening cleaning up after the dinner party. It took two dish washer loads. I fed the pups chicken thighs. 

Richard P. Butler commented about my shopping spree, “Hopefully it will get better. My guess is all the idiot hoarders are now broke and can't spend anymore.” Kevin Scott added, “I went at 7:00 a.m. yesterday just to pick up a couple staples. I ask the manager about the reduced hours and he said that was to give employees time to stock shelves.” I replied, “I saw an employee also disinfection the handles in the frozen food section” the fresh meat department was completely closed down. Jim Dabakis said, “I have seen better-stocked shelves in Havana!”

16 March 2020 Monday

 I dreamed I was getting a tattoo of an Ankh on my shoulder. What was that all about? I have no intention of ever getting inked but I dreamt last night I was in a tattoo parlor getting a simple Ankh draw on my right shoulder for $70. LOL What was that all about? Regressing to my former Egyptian incarnation? Or too much corned beef yesterday. The ancient Irish claim their kings descend from a Princess Tea Tephi. The poetry and folklore of Ireland tell the tale of the Prophet Jeremiah, an Egyptian Princess and Simon Brug (Baruch) a Scribe. They Landed in Ireland about the same time that the destruction of Jerusalem took place, bearing with them a great chest and a stone wrapped on a banner. The Princess married the Zarahite King, Eochaidh II. Ard-dath, Ard-righ, or Heremon, horse man of all Ireland. The stone is used today as Britain's Coronation Stone over which all English Monarchs are crowned.

Well, the Coronavirus scare has taught me 3 things about America”1st Top Ramen is essential for survival, 2ndly Americans use way too much toilet paper, 3rdly the housing construction industries need to install bidets in all future bathrooms or we will end up deforesting the United States and we truly will become a waste land

I called to make an appointment for Lulubelle to be groomed on the 24^th at 1 in the afternoon so I guess they are still open for business.  I wonder if my barber is?

Social distancing evidently doesn’t apply to dogs as Taco came back for a play date and sleepover. I had just laid down for a nap when I heard someone at the door and it was Jim Dabakis with Taco. He was lonesome for his pals.

I heard on the news as of 11 pm tonight all sit down restaurants and bars in Salt Lake county will be closed” I suppose if you don’t know how to cook now would be a good time to learn or find a boyfriend who does. There will be no green beer for St Paddy day and if you want to go out to eat you better do it today.

I called Mike Romero to see if he wanted to eat at Chubby’s before they close down. We've lived a long life so we are risking it. I had an enchilada and a relleno and also ordered a takeout dinner too. There were just two other diners in the place and only a cook and two waitresses working. I left a $5 tip. I sure feel sorry for restaurant workers who depend on their income to pay for their rent or mortgage.

            Courtney Moser's posted “At the grandkids request, I took them to Golden Corral tonight. There were only 15 other people in the entire place. First time I've been there that I haven't almost tripped over a loose child. That’s the one and only upside to this whole situation that I can see. Oh, and I stopped at a grocery store in Brigham City while I was there. They had everything I needed. So, I got ONE of each item. Don't want to be included with the hoarders.

Randy Hoffman who is visiting California said, “It’s the same in the Bay Area right now. As of midnight, all non-essential businesses are closed. Mostly bars and clubs and museums and such. We are under mandatory shelter in place. But we went on a walk on a trail and it was quite busy.”

My cousin Terrie Williams wrote, “LA closing restaurants to sit down. You can order and pick up or have delivery only. Bars closed as well as museums and the local farmers market will discontinue until further notice. As far as I know you can still go to the beach here. Hope this blows over quickly. Extreme measures being taken here. This will probably change the way we do business in the long run. Hopefully for the better.”

My heroes are all the people going to work to take care of animals in kennels, dog parks, and animal control services as well as grocery clerks, and of course medical staff and first responders”

They say the stock market plunged 3000 points.

17 March 2020 Tuesday

I brought Maxx home 4 years ago today” he was about 4 years old then so close to 8 now” when I fostered him I only had Buddy and Harleigh because Daisy and Lucky had died in February. He was the first of the new gang of pooches I have now.

The pups aren't going to be too happy but I think I need to start feeding them dry dog food” I guess when they are hungry enough they will eat it” start weaning them off people food I suppose in case I can't get to the store “ a new reality. So, I went to the grocery store to buy dog food early this morning thinking to beat the crowds. I was wrong.

At Lucky’s, the parking lot was nearly full and they had 5 cashiers working when they usually have only 1 or 2. The place wasn't overly crowded but it looked like the amount of people in the store at 5 in the afternoon and not at 7:30 in the morning” It still amazes me to see the baking aisle with empty shelves of flour. I also noticed the dry beans and rice were all gone too. I thought nobody baked any more but I was wrong again. There's plenty of food depending what you will eat

Americans are not used to seeing empty shelves ”we had been the land of plenty for most of my life” The only thing I remember even being close to this was the gas embargo in 1973 when there were long lines at the gas pumps and you could only buy gas on either even or odd days. Meat became really expensive but there were no shortages.

I guess this is the new reality “ pandemics and global warming brought to you by a political party that refused to govern and which provided wealth for the few at the expense of the many”

If the Corona bug doesn’t get me I think yard work will. It was such a pretty day so I spent 2 hours filling a huge trash can with yard waste, especially cutting back Russian Sage that you have to prune by hand. I am exhausted but tomorrow the weather is supposed to turn bad so gotta make hay while the sun shines “ besides it beats sitting home bored.

            Kyle Foote and Danny Montoya came home while I was still out cutting back the Russian Sage. I told Danny he could stay here as long as he liked if he didn’t want to go back to Las Vegas were many of the Casinos are closing laying off thousands of workers.

            In the evening, they went to China Delight for supper and brought me home some Pork Chow Mein. I fed the pups chicken and Kibble and Bits for supper “I hope they don’t rebel.

As a senior Gay man who already lived through 1 deadly epidemic, it's really stressful thinking about going through another one and potentially losing loved ones again. It must have been really discouraging for people who lived through World War I to see it all happen again some 20 years later.

For senior Gays and Lesbians, it's going to feel like déjà vu. I don’t know if we have it in us to fight another battle. Jill Hazard Rowe who does a pod cast commented, “So much love and respect for those that went through such heartache and tragedy. Roy Zhang taught me much in his podcast. Praying for this to pass without much loss.”

Terry Gillman added, “Ben, I don’t think it’s limited to just Seniors, I’ve been having flashbacks all week. I remember how much misinformation there was when KUTV first reported “A Problem with GRID in Utah.” As we were starting to top 100 cases back in the early 80’s. It’s surreal and has me nervous about leaving the house. Back in the early 80’s there were fears of the virus being airborne (which this one is), the fear it was in our poppers, and even that masturbation could cause it. It’s maddening. I replied “Terry Gillman hopefully we won’t be reading the obituaries daily like we did” sad thing now is there won’t be any group memorials.

Leroy Natano Te'o wrote, “I'm still suffering from PTSD from living through the 80's in San Francisco, where I grew up!!”This whole "Corona Virus Scare" has catapulted me back to the years of the "AIDS Holocaust", a time I wish I had never lived through!!”(sigh!!)..”.

Ron Holmgren's wrote a post similar to my feelings, “A special thanks to the people who are providing support and help to the most vulnerable of our population. Those working in nursing homes, group homes, hospitals, care centers and our first responders. They can't leave their jobs. They realize their support and service is needed, despite the risk of their own health and wellbeing. They are true heroes. Bless them.” I replied, “My heroes are all the people going to work to take care of animals in kennels, dog parks, and animal control services as well as grocery clerks, and of course medical staff and first responders””

            Well, it’s official. Utah is the most paranoid state in the Union. News reports said that the tracking website “Womply.com” monitors grocery store spending across the United States. Utahns spent 261% more last week at the grocery stores than the same week a year ago. The grocery stores are struggling to keep up with the demand for more products from Utahns. It’s official that Utahns are #1 panic grocery store shoppers in the nation.

            Smith’s Markets, however, said that they are opening their stores just for seniors between the hours of 7 and 8 in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Deseret Industries is closing to the general public so no shopping there for a while.

I wonder if the radical right Evangelicals still believe Trump is their savior? Are the Mega-Churches still open for business? Asking for a friend. I wonder how many of Trump's golf courses are closed? Does social distancing mean I can't pinch people not wearing green today?

RIP Lyle Waggoner died at the age of 84  I used to watch Carol Burnett just to see him. He was such a hunk.

18 March 2020 Wednesday

Wow Salt Lake just had a major earthquake, worst since I’ve ever been here. It shook the house like crazy and splashed water out of the hot tub. My house is located on the Jordan River mud flats and we shook like jello. The strong Earthquake hit here in Salt Lake this morning at 7:10. I just sat down at the computer with my coffee when we went rocking and rolling. It was really shaking the house so it was hard to keep my equilibrium. I managed to corral the pups and get them all into the yard and Kyle Foote who was downstairs said he was okay but we were all shook up literally. It was one of the stronger quakes I had ever experienced since the 1971 quake in Southern California.

The news said it was 5.7 on the Richter Scale and the epicenter was in Magna so that is why it felt so strong here at the house.  Thank goodness we did not lose power and we were able to turn the TV on. While watching the news about the quake there were lots of interesting aftershocks, at least 9 so far that were 3 pts or higher. TJ is in my lap

The ceramic tortilla holder that Mike Romero and I bought 24 years ago in Santa Fe was smashed by bric-brac falling onto the table. I just used it on Sunday for my St Patrick dinner. I had just placed it back on the dining table from the counter last night “if I would have left it there, it would not have been smashed” nothing last forever

The airport is closed and 55,000 people without power “ no one is social distances right now as people are gathered in the streets outside of their buildings, scared of aftershocks.

I heard on the news that Rio Grande state archives building was damaged and The trumpet on the Angel Moroni has fallen off the Salt Lake Temple! It's the apocalypse

Mike Romero was sent home from work because of the quake but he can't get into his place because the power is off on 4th West and 4th North so he can’t get his garage door to open and he doesn’t have a key to his doors. So, He just came over here to wait it out. Kyle showed him the 3 D rendition of the small house and he liked it. I fixed Kyle breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast but Mike only wanted toast and coffee.

            I wrote Brad Hart and said I hoped he was okay and his place did not sustain any damage. His house was built in 1910. He wrote back, “I’m ok. Whew that scared me. Are you ok?” I replied, “We are good.. just some minor broken bric-brac “ I grew up in Southern California so not my first rodeo” glad you are good.” He answered back, “Glad you’re ok. I had some stuff fall off the walls and off of shelves.”

            Kyle was antsy to be doing something so he took off to Lowes to buy some lumber to build a small wall in the laundry room in which he will install the electrical panel.

            Mike and I just watched a strange 1968 movie called the Swimmer that featured Burt Lancaster. He’s in a tight bathing suit throughout the entire movie and even in the buff in one scene.

            Afterwards we went over to his place to see if his power was restored and it was and to check for damages. However, nothing had fallen or broken. So, we went for a drive to see a house design that will look similar to the small house and then he wanted to go downtown to see the Angel Moroni without his trumpet. He was probably pissed because the historic wall around temple square is being torn down. I was surprised to see how much of the old temple wall around Temple Square had been torn down while I guess the Salt Lake Temple is closed for reconstruction.

Downtown was eerie with no Traxx running and hardly anyone on the streets and no traffic to speak of. In fact, the only people I really saw were homeless people who were gathered in small groups. 

            I guess there was another powerful aftershock 4.6 at 1:15 this afternoon but I was in the truck with Michael so didn't feel it. It, however, caused more damage to old homes over in the Westminster College area.

            Jim Dabakis came over about 5 this afternoon to retrieve Taco Belle and he sat a bit and visited with Kyle and me. I guess his place didn’t have any damage. I sent him home with a loaf of pumpkin bread I had in the freezer.

            For an earthquake, it wasn’t so bad as long as no one was hurt but for those who sustained property damage I doubt whether anyone had earthquake insurance.

            I watched on PBS the state’s response to the Coronavirus epidemic and why such drastic measures had to be taken.

Ben McAdams has the Coronavirus, one of two Congressmen who have contracted it so far. I hope all the Assholes who voted for Mike Lee are riddled with remorse if not they should refuse all help from the government which Lee voted against.

19 March 2020 Thursday

Today will be the first day of Spring. With all the trauma of the past week at least we have flowers and blossoms to look forward to and the renewal of life.

            I felt another tremor this morning right before 7. I suspect we will continue to have them for a while as Mother Earth settles down.

I finally sat back down at my desk computer after jumping up from it yesterday during the 7 in the morning quake. I hadn't looked at it since then and found that where I had set down my coffee cup yesterday, the quake had splashed coffee all over the desk and keyboard and since I had marshmallows in my mocha that was a mess to clean up. No worries I will rebuild. After posting this to Face Book Robert Moolman from the Pride center wrote, “Thinking of you with your marshmallow mocha is all I need to remind myself how faaaabulous our community is and has always been. Sorry about the spillage but stay as awesome as your coffee!”

It’s another day of isolating at home. I went through my pantry to see what I have stashed away. Not sure why I have 4 cans of pumpkin puree and 4 cans of cranberry sauce and 2 cans of water chestnuts but I have them if the quarantine lasts until Thanksgiving. I found a 5 pound bag of flour too I had forgotten I had. I found out that I am really pretty well stock and just need usual daily stuff like eggs, milk, and cheeses.

Deb Hall of the Pride center wrote me, “Hello Ben - I hope this finds you well.  I wanted to reach out and make sure that you are doing okay.  There are some folks that I'm particularly fond of in our community and you are certainly one of them and I wanted to reach out.  Please let me know if you need anything.   Take much care.  Xoxoxo.”

I wrote her back, “Thank you Deb, which is so kind of you “I am in a better spot than most so cannot complain. I've always kept a larder full of can goods and box mixes and have plenty of meat in the freezer” I have a 40 year living down stairs if I need anything” just self-isolation like we are supposed to and trying not to get bored but I have lots I keep busy with on the computer and I have lots on streaming channels to watch. I use to say I live alone but its great company so I try to live that by keeping myself occupied” I hope the earthquake didn't shake you up too much” but thanks again for checking in on me “I am sure there are many more who are in more dire straits than me” it just seems so surreal” but soon it will be time to garden””

Deb responded back, “I can't wait to garden!  I myself am feeling a bit smug because I have all my homegrown, home canned and fresh frozen food at my disposal.  I know it is all pesticide free, germ free, covid free and tastes spectacular!  I'm proud of you and I, and others like us, who still carry on with our pioneering ways!  I was glad to see that you were with Jim and TJ recently.  I've been very worried about them.  Angie and I haven't seen them for a while and I worry about Jim's health.  Tell them we said hello and that we love and miss them very much.  Anyway, keep posting your great posts.  I'm going to try to get a couple of your history pieces and repost to the SAGE page.  I think it helps people to be able to see things from the past that they can relate to.  I appreciate everything you do for our community.  You are a force Ben and I hope you know that.” 

I replied, “If you Google ‘Ben Williams Lambda Lore’ there should be a bucket load of articles I have written “” and she ended our conversation writing, “Oh fabulous!  Thank you for that information.  I'm making that my project for tonight!”

            Kyle called at 4 this afternoon and we talked to Tammi Hass at America First whether we were locked in at the rate I agreed to last February or whether we could get even a lower rate as we heard the feds were cutting their rates. To our shock she said that .the interest rates to refinance a mortgage had jumped to 5 percent just yesterday when I was quoted 3.75 just a couple of weeks ago. The real shock was when she said I hadn’t locked in at the lower rate when I thought I had. She had screwed us over royally by being incompetent and never ever keeping in contact with me since the end of February when I submitted all the paper work she required. This was a real blow to the plans of financing the building of a small home in the side yard. What else can go wrong?

            It hailed pretty hard over here in Westpointe when I was getting ready to take Coco home. The ground is white with it. Doom and Gloom. I am just weary.

            In the news both Salt Lake County and Utah County are ordering citizens to avoid gatherings with more than ten people -- making it illegal to do so for at least 30 days. It's all part of nationwide efforts to slow the spread of the coronavirus. Each county's health department is making it a class B misdemeanor for a violation, which can carry a penalty of six months in jail and/or a $1,000 fine. Subsequent violations are upgraded to class A misdemeanors.

            Also, in the news Congress passed a stimulus bill to help out Americans suffering from businesses and industries shutting down because of the Corona Virus. It is not surprising at all to me that the 8 Senators who voted against the aid stimulus package to help Americans were all Republicans including Utah’s Mike Lee” and you wonder why I think America's real terrorists are the members of the GOP ideology radical right”

20 March 2020 Friday

I woke up to a new reality this dreary dizzily morning. I went shopping at 7 this morning at the Rose Park Smith's Market because I thought I better go before Monday. When I arrived at 6:45, the parking lot was already half full and people were lining up at the door like it was a Black Friday sale. That made me anxious. It seemed so surreal. About 5 minutes to 7, I got out of the car where I had been waiting because it had been drizzling rain and went to get in line. Let me tell you, not all old people are nice, some nearly pushing themselves to get inside when the doors finally open”

However, before letting people into the store, the assistant store manager addressed the crowd of seniors and said that she had put a pallet of toilet paper aside just for us and that there would be enough as we were rationed just one package. She added they wanted to take care of us for having taken care of them.

So I managed to get some toilet paper, whole milk for Mike Romero, a five lb. bag of potatoes, some bananas, strawberries, and a yam, peanut butter, some pork for the pups, and 2 dozen eggs, but there were still no flour on the shelves. However, I am grateful to get what I need if not what I want. There were lots of people in facemasks.

Rich Butler commented after I posted my experience at Smith’s, “I will watch for flour when I go to the store. Anything else you might need?” I replied, “Thanks “no I am good and I am okay on flour “ I have an extra 5 lbs. bag in the pantry I forgot I had” not really baking much now that everyone has to stay home ha! It's just really weird not seeing flour on the shelves” people must have hoarded them because I doubt that many people bake anymore from scratch.”

Richard Harmston wrote, “At Smith's, I reached to pick up a loaf of bread and an elderly woman (at least 80 years old) snapped, "That's mine! I saw it first." I REALLY don't need bread that bad.”

My cousin Terrie Williams, who lives in Southern California, added, “I went to Trader Joes just now. They have a line waiting to get in with 6 foot markers so everyone stays their distance. As folks leave the store they let that many in. The shelves were pretty stocked and it was nice shopping without someone running into you. They didn't have their premade coffee out, which I enjoy a small cup while shopping. It was a civil experience. Everyone is a little spooked right now so face masks and people on the phone with their buddies to keep them company.”

I responded to Terrie saying, “Times like this brings out the best and worse in people” glad your experience was a good one” stay safe.”

Then I asked about her sisters, my other cousins, “Is Frances and Marilyn doing okay?”  She answered, “Yes, they checked in and their kids are making some grocery and errand runs for them. Frances was saying they were planning on getting out in the yard today. They had been inside most of the week and they are used to getting out seeing their church friends. She lives in Rogue River Oregon and it's a small community. Marilyn is retired but has her kids and grandkids so they are all looking out for each other. Guess it's time to catch up on the “To Do List”. I'm working, however work is almost at a standstill. I will be working a bit from home. I am connected remotely with our computer program at work. I will go in as needed.”

Then Michael Aaron responded about my lack of flour comment writing, “I can bring over some flour tomorrow. Like about 2 pounds?” I wrote back, “Thanks Michael but I am okay” I have plenty for the time being” I just keep looking because it seems so odd for the store shelves to be empty of that staple” have never seen the likes of it in all my life and it freaks me out a little.”

Finally, Dan Fahndrich chimed in, “Harmons is much better in quantity of items and service. I also went to Smiths and it was lousy.” I replied, “The only Harmons is downtown and not in my neighborhood.” Michael Aaron added, “Harmons can afford more quantity and staff. Their prices are 20% higher than Smith's.” Dan Fahndrich responded, “I got what I wanted, and at Smiths, I did not. Ohhh, and Harmons is close to me””

Shortly after I came home, Sparrow Electric was here at the house for much of the day prepping the basement to move the electrical panel from outside to inside the house. Kyle Foote still needs to build the new wall where it will go.

I hadn’t heard a thing from Brad Hart since Wednesday, whether he was coming over for dinner and I didn’t push it. He hasn’t called or texted me all week whether I was fine or just to comfort me by talking. Even on Wednesday, I was the one who initiated the conversation, like I always do. I am really beginning to reevaluate our relationship” if we even have one beyond sex.

I didn’t do much today but keep the pups company as people came in and out of the house until taking Coco home and bringing Mike the milk. He said that Dominion Gas is even considering closing their fleet garage down to just 2 days a week which means Mike will probably be furloughed through Napa.

Kyle said the old folks in Bountiful accepted his bid to build a deck on their house so he’s really excited about that. In the late afternoon Holly from America First finally called and said what I had suspected that there was nothing they would do to honor the first quotes I had for a refinance back in February since rates jumped yesterday.

She said that if I refinanced for $180,000 my monthly payment would now be $1,230 versus the $822  I pay now and the $990 I was quoted when I first applied.  She said that the rates were really volatile right now and could go even higher or even lower. I said I would decide next week on when to lock in if I decide to proceed. She gave me a number to call for daily rates at 1-385-881-3976.

I get $1270 in social security and the new refinancing would take almost all of it leaving me just my $2,168 state pension and my $21 Met life pension to live on. I have a $315 monthly car payment. I owe my Visa $3,590 and my line of credit $5,042.97. My

Solar Panels will cost me $200 per month for 20 years. My Total Debt including the car is $28,073 plus $40,000 for the solar panels. So, I just don’t think it is doable right now in this time of uncertainty.

I made a type of beef pot pie for dinner tonight just in case Brad decided to come over without telling me, but he didn’t. I also expected Kyle and Danny Montoya to eat with me but they didn’t.

I am really melancholy tonight. Kyle is downstairs with Danny and Brad Hart didn’t come over and I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything and no one is here for me to say to me “you’ll be fine and hang on”. I don’t know if I even want to hang on anymore.

If there is a God punishing America” it's not for allowing Gays to marry but for denying hospitality to refugees and putting children in cages while giving tax breaks to the obscenely wealthy, oh yeah and for electing Donald Trump.

But I am so grateful for clean water, electricity, and friends at this strange period.

Denise Wachs wrote me saying, “Howdy Uncle Ben! You okay? Just seen you had an earthquake the other day.” I responded, “Yes we had a good shaking as we were only 5 miles from the epicenter “. just a few broken bric-brac thrown off the wall but no real damage” just staying home and self-isolating like they say to do” lots of shortages up here because people are scared and have large families and everything is pretty well shut down” Donna will be moving to Bullhead City in April if they let people out of California.”

She wrote back, “I'm so glad you are ok. We are staying in as much as possible. Heidi is doing well after her surgery. I don’t think I have to go out any more we have plenty of provisions for a week or so. Bullhead City huh. Well, I'm glad for them and hope they are all doing well. Mom and dad are doing pretty good and that makes me happy and I feel like I can breathe again. Have a great day. We love you and baby Silas is getting big and doing well.”

In the news Governor Herbert ordered the rescinding of Salt Lake County’s ban on groups of 10 people and the issuing of tickets for violations.

21 March 2020 Saturday

Danny Montoya spent the night here and I guess he will be staying with Kyle Foote until they call him back to work. I don’t mind him being here but it seems that Kyle spends more time  with him then working getting the retaining wall up for the electricians for Monday. It kind of makes me nervous that he’s putting it off.

About 10:30 this morning I was off to Lucky’s to get dog treats as we are all out and they are becoming unruly. While the pups favorite type of chewies were gone. I got the last bag of beef Nudges that they do like. 

Today was the first time ever I bought 20 pound bag of flour.  Lucky’s only had about 10 bags left saying 1 per family. They had no other sizes of flour that was smaller. Lucky’s was finally limiting how much of anything you could buy. I think 2 items was the limit. All stores should have started rationing a week ago. Welcome to the new reality.

I was surprised in the afternoon Kyle wanted to borrow my Costco Card so he and Danny could go shopping. The triumphant hunters came home from Costco bearing enough bounty to last through to the summer and this the freezer in the kitchen, downstairs, and in the garage is full. Between the two of them they bought $600 worth of bulk items which is all you can at Costco! Kyle said it was the most pleasant experience he ever had at Costco as they only were letting a few people in at a time so it wasn’t a mad dash and long lines. I am tuckered out and all I had to do is help put it away. But I've got two hard working men who I am sure will eat it up over time and whatever I cook for them.

I talked to Charline finally today. She sounded like she had a cold or something in her chest but said she feels pretty good and that my nephew James is taking good care of her and Dennis, doing all the cooking. She will be 73 this June so I hope she can make it through this Covid 19 epidemic.

At the beginning of the AIDS epidemic people were paranoid about how it might spread but except for keeping Gay men from donating blood and shutting down Gay bathhouses the general public was unaffected just paranoid” nothing like now when people are told to self-isolate” Safe sex was the buzz word among Gay men who were terrified of having been infected or having infected others when there were no real tests for HIV or treatment” Main difference I see is that the Gay community was left to deal with the disease on their own as somehow deserving it but there’s no stigma associated with the Corona virus.

            I worked some of Nate Ferguson’s ancestry to pass the time and also the Utah Pride Center posted a link to my past Lambda Lore articles for people to read while they are self-isolating.

Kenny Roger's died at age of 81”you gotta know when to hold 'em know when to fold 'em

TJ Otaka wrote, “I recently read an article on Yahoo Japan about a woman who was surprised to find a bunch of toilet paper in the storage at her parents' house. They were purchased by her mother 47 years ago when oil shock hit Japan in 1973. I was in Jr. High at that time and still remember the hoarders emptied the shelves across the country. Although my mother was not a hoarder, we somehow survived the shortage crisis.

A respected senior mathematician sent me a terrifying note: “The rate of (virus) increase has been consistent this week,” state epidemiologist Angela Dunn said in a briefing. “It’s been about a 50% increase this entire week from day to day.”

Utah started last week with 8 Coronavirus positive test cases we ended yesterday with 112 cases.

22 March 2020 Sunday

I was up early this morning cooking a roast and make some chicken and rice soup that I was planning on bringing over to Bill Poore as we had planned to have met at noon. However, after preparing all of, it, he sent a message saying he wasn’t up to going out. He wrote, “Ben I am running a fever this morning” I think I need to stay home.  Thank you for the offer on doing my bedding”. I will get it done in the next few days” I am going to just buy all new bedding. Throw the other stuff away” Let me know you got this” I think I just better stay in and rest.  I have enough food etc. to get me through “Let me know you got this.” I just wrote back “okay” what else could I do? You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. I love Bill but at some point you have to let it go. 

            Later in the evening he asked how I was doing and I said fine and he wrote, I am ok”. just running a slight fever”. I am alright however. I have been laying on the bed all day on my laptop”. boring life for sure.”

I sent Brad Hart a message saying I hadn’t heard from him in a while and hoped he was okay. He never responded back so I don’t know what is up with him whether he’s super depressed or just wants to let our relationship go. I wanted to keep the lines of communication over on my part. Again, there’s not much you can do for people after you have reached out.

            Kyle Foote surprised me by asking for a breakfast of pancakes this morning. Danny Montoya already had a bowl of cereal but I guess shared some of Kyle’s breakfast too. I also used up the bacon I had in the refrigerator.

            It was such a pretty day that around 11 this morning I went out to work some more cutting back the Russian Sage on the Parking Strip at my corner. I was done about 1:30 in the afternoon filling up another large trash barrel with yard waste. Two and a half hours of yard work is plenty for this old man” still cutting back Russian Sage and raking debris” I am glad to have a yard to grub in to pass the time and get a little exercise and sunshine” while outside a woman driving by asked if I was okay and needed anything” how thoughtful and kind” I said I was fine but thanks.., a few people were out walking” some looking for their dogs who got out of their yards.

Kyle finally began building a wall frame for the electrical panel that is being put inside the house tomorrow when my Solar panels get hooked to the grid. He also put in some more electrical circuits in the bathroom downstairs. He had to go back and forth to Lowes several times but I stayed home all day.  He said that Davis County has banned self-serve fountain drinks and 7-Eleven makes you use hand sanitizer to even come into the store. Fountain drinks another casualty of the signs of the time.. I hope everyone is being safe. I guess the first death in Utah from the Coronavirus occurred in Lakeview Hospital in Bountiful.

I told Kyle today that unless mortgage rates come back down to at least what I am paying now, I could not see paying a higher percentage refinancing than I am right now. I said if the rates drop back down maybe I might reconsider. I just don’t think it’s the right time to be taking on a major project in the middle of a plague.

I guess another 4.0 aftershock hit a little after 7 this evening but I didn’t feel it as I was outside waiting for Steve Wood to come by to look at the shed again. Kyle said it felt really strong as did others who posted on Face book. Steve came over about 7:30 and took measurements to see how to remove the shed out of the back yard and down the driveway.

I saw an email from the Dog Park saying that while they are still open, when I bring Lulubelle in to be groomed on Tuesday, that I have to stay in the parking lot and call them that I am there and they will some out to get her. I also will have to pay on the phone.

So that is my day for home isolation this Sunday. It seems strange that just last week ago I had my friends over for dinner.  

Chuck Whyte asked, “How are you doing” on Face book and I replied, “good, I have the pups to keep me sane, plenty of food in the house, typing up my histories, and Facebooking” and you?” He answered, “doing laundry, keeping the condo clean, watching TV and watching more TV , wish I had some pet therapy” “LOL.”

I wrote on Face book “Keep Six feet distance or you may be 6 feet under in a 6 foot by 3 foot hole in the ground” this is time to get serious.”  So many people, especially young ones don’t want to give up socializing. My father's generation was asked to go fight World War II, grow victory gardens, and use ration coupons. I think asking me to stay home and binge watch Star Trek should not be considered a hardship. Everyone stay in touch but stay home. My cousin Chris Johnson responded, “Right, if people think staying at home is one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to do in their life, they should be grateful that they haven’t had a very hard life…”

            Grocery stores across the state have temporarily created special shopping and pharmacy hours for seniors 60 and older during the coronavirus outbreak.  The ones that I go to are Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 7 to 8 a.m. Smith’s Food and Drug, all locations. Tuesday, 6 to 7 a.m. Wal-Mart, all locations. Wednesday, 8 to 9 a.m. Target in at 1110 S. 300 West, Salt Lake City.  

            This is a bread roll recipe I might have to try that have simple ingredients.

1 1/4 C. whole milk, 1 T. instant yeast (active will work too), 1/4 C. honey, 3 T. melted butter plus more for brushing, 1 large egg, room temp.1 tsp. salt. 4 C. all-purpose flour

Directions: Heat the milk in the microwave for about 40 seconds, till Luke warm, and then pour in a mixing bowl. Add the yeast and honey, let it sit for about 5-6 minutes till it begins to foam up. Add 3 T. melted butter and the egg, stir to combine. Stir in 3 C. of the flour and the salt, begin combining adding more flour 1 C. at a time till you have formed a nice soft dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 2 minutes. Use a rolling pin and roll the dough into a rectangle about 1/4" thick. Use a knife to cut the dough into approx. 20 squares and place on a greased baking sheet. Cover with a clean towel and let them rise did doubled in size, about 1-2 hours. Bake in a 350 degree oven for 14-16 minutes. Brush with melted butter once out of the oven.

23 March 2020 Monday

Really sorrowful news this afternoon around 3, Denise Wachs called me to say that her mother, my sister Charline had passed way. Denise was in shock herself and just wanted me to know and for me to tell my sister Donna Jones. I didn’t press for any details. It was not the time. I had just talked with Charline on Saturday and she didn’t sound well and said she was really tired. I didn’t know it would the last time I ever hear her voice. Except for being tired she sounded in good spirits and I noticed that yesterday she had “liked” some of my posts on Face book.

            I called Donna to break the sad news but didn’t visit much as I didn’t know anything myself but also sent a message to my cousin Stephanie Williams to let her know and so she could let the rest of the family know.

            Then I began to sit in my lounge chair and weep. Taco Belle, Coco, and TJ were all in my lap while I had a little cry over the news.

I wrote on face book, “Feeling a little heartbroken and melancholy this afternoon. I just heard from my niece that my sister Charline passed away today in Arizona. I just had a good talk with her on the phone the other day so I am grateful for that” she had been in poor health but I am now grieving for her and her family in Arizona” will the circle be un broken” I see my generation fading away “ only consolation is she will no longer be affected by what the rest of us will be going through “Rest In Peace sweet sister.”

I texted my cousin Stephanie Williams at 3:30 in the afternoon to let her know. I wrote, “Stephanie, Denise just called me and said Charline has just passed away” I don’t know anymore and Denise was just getting ready to leave to go there” will you let Terrie and others know” I just talked to Charline on Saturday and she didn't sound well.” She responded, “Damn, We just texted a couple of days ago, she seemed to be hanging in there “ I am so sorry Ben, Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I will talk to Terrie.”

A little later Stephanie wrote, “Denise just called me and let me know that Dennis found her. She was unresponsive. He called Denise then called 911 but that she was probably already gone. They think it was her heart. I just talked with her a bit online a few days ago. I am so sorry for your loss.”

I replied to Stephanie, “I thought it might be her heart “she said she was so tired and could hardly move” she must have sense something because she told me if anything happened to her that James would be beside himself.” Stephanie then wrote, “Oh I am sure. I think all 3 of them are going to have a hard time with this. I talked to Terrie and explained what happened. She will talk with her sisters. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.”

I had Mike Romero come over to get Coco as I felt like it would not be a good thing for me to be driving being so emotional. While here I asked him if Kyle Foote could borrow his truck to haul a trailer Wednesday. He agreed and I sent Mike home with food I had cooked earlier. Danny Montoya and Kyle are still not eating here even after buying all that food. When they came home for a bit, they brought me a condolence card and some mums after learning that Charline had passed away.

I was too melancholy to watch any television for the rest of the evening. Around 7 I called my nephew James Clark to see how he’s taking the death of his mother. Naturally he’s really grieving but I managed to get some more information from him although I was surprised to hear that Charline is still at the house as the coroner hadn’t come yet for the body. An autopsy will be performed to find out the exact cause of death but James suspect it was her heart.

Evidently she had been at the computer, when she got up and then fell. She may have hit her head as she had a small gash but I doubt that she suffered any. It was Dennis who found her and of course he’s in shock. I don’t expect Dennis to live all that long without her because she was the caretaker in that family. He’s in really poor health himself. Charline and Dennis would have been married 50 years at the end of July this year.

James and I talked a little about his son Jayden who is 13 now and is going through some serious depression himself beyond his grandmother’s death.

Denise was at the house with James and I guess Michael Wachs will come home but maybe not as he lives in Wichita Kansas and airports are not the place to be right now. If he comes He will probably drive. Of course, Donna and I can’t come but we both think Charline will be cremated and perhaps have a memorial service this summer like Mom did.

So that is how a disappointing day ended. 

This morning, I was up early and caught Mike as he was dropping Coco off and asked him to borrow his two generators for when the power to the house was cut off after the electricians come. However, Kyle received a text saying Sparrow Electric canceled because the two electricians who came last Friday are sick and would have to reschedule for April 14th. I certainly hope they hadn’t come down with the Coronavirus.

So, all the prep work and getting psyched up for having no power today was for naught. Then I learned that The Dog Park sent a message saying that when I bring Lulubelle down tomorrow, I will have to call from the parking lot and someone will come and get her and that I will have to pay using my phone. These are the times we are living in.

People are outraged that when 1600 missionaries were sent home from the Philippines, thousands of Mormon families went to the airport to greet their return instead of socially distancing themselves as secular and Mormon authorities had told them to do.  This why I always said Salt Lake City will be an epicenter when Missionaries return home because Mormons are so into denial of reality.

We had another tremor this morning that startled the pups. It was a 3.1 and only 2 miles deep. In the news I heard Ben McAdams has been hospitalized with the Corona Virus. I hope he recovers fast.

Just a week ago I held a dinner party and now everyone is self-isolating to hopefully slow down the spread of the disease that is killing so many in a single day in places like Italy. Strange, just this morning I wrote on Face book, “Not to be too pessimistic but glad I made my will and prepaid funeral expenses a couple of years ago. Hope to make it through this but you never know what the future will hold “” and then later in the day I hear that my sister had passed away.

Also, early this morning I had sent Jim Dabakis this message, “Does Taco need a play date? Today Monday I have electricians in the backyard and house but on Tuesday you could bring him through the backyard gate or garage”” About 1 in the afternoon Jim came by with Taco but evidently hadn’t read my message and just thought on his own that Taco Belle need a play date. He later wrote me, “Oh my God Ben, I am so sorry, I just read this”. I will come and pick him up”.so sorry about your sister.” He also called and said no it was fine to have Taco Belle here for a couple of days and we must have thinking the same thing about the little guy.

Brad Hart finally responded to the message I sent the other day. It was pretty nondescript, “I’m doing all right. I hope you are well.”

Some of the comments by family are the following: From the Johnson side, Chris Johnson wrote-“Oh no! Really hate to hear that sad news…”, my cousin Kay Campbell said, “Oh I am so sorry to hear this!!” and Chris’ wife Dana Hays Johnson wrote “So sorry Ben!”

My cousin Terrie Williams wrote, “Steph just called me with the news. So sorry to hear that. I'm glad you called your sister. We just never know. Last time I had seen her was when your mom passed and they put her urn in the ground with the rest of our folks. Hugs and Peace, Love, and Everything Else.”

My second Cousin Barbara Danforth Nadsady said “So sorry, Ben. There probably isn’t much I can do from here, but if there is anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

My cousin Stephanie wrote, “Charline had such a loving personality. I will really miss her. Many of the best times were when our family got together. If I can do anything for you or the family, I am just a phone call away.”

24 March 2020 Tuesday

Early this morning about 6:30 Another tremor hit. It was a 3.2 and it woke the pups who are all curled up in bed with me this sorrowful morning.

            I wrote on Face book, “Thank you all for your condolences over the death of my sister. It means a lot to know how much you care although most of you never knew her or heard me speak about her.

She had just liked some of my FB posts the night she died so it was a shock to learn she had passed away even though I knew she was ill”

Both my Dad and my sister passed away at home relatively quickly, which I consider a blessing. They did not have long bouts in the hospital and were in their homes in familiar surroundings when they left their mortal coil behind. Hard on those who found them gone but a blessing for them. My sister Charline Wachs was extremely close to my dad and as a teen they constantly fought as Charline was so independent and dad overly protective”

Charline lived the majority of her life in the Garden Grove & Stanton area of Orange County, was married to Dennis Wachs, a Viet Nam vet and had 3 children, James, Denise, and Michael. Like all us Williamses she was raised to be a caretaker and nurturer” attributes of our parents, now of my little family there's just my sister Donna and me left behind, and 4 female cousins. That is all that is left of my generation of baby boomers born after World War II.

As a teen, Charline was a real beauty and had so many guys wanting to be her boyfriend. I saw a parade of hot rod teens, then later sailors parade in our house in Garden Grove all wanting to woo her. So even though a young awkward brother, I was always surrounded by handsome youths in my teen years. They swarmed around her like bees to a flower.

Goodbye sister until we meet again.”

My cousin Kay Campbell responded, “I did not get to know Charline as well as you & Donna, as she didn’t come as often to the farm. But I will never forget her hospitality when we brought Dad out to see your Mom in Arizona. Her & Dennis gave up their beds! No words can describe the loss of a sibling. I am also grateful it was not a prolonged suffering. I will choose to believe that her big heart just gave out, just like my brother’s. Her love of family was so evident. May that love continue to comfort all of you. Love you cousin!!”  I responded, “I love you Kay no matter how far apart we live from each other. You are always in my heart. As hard as it was on your folks how much a blessing it was that John passed away at home and not on the road somewhere. Stay as safe as you can …”

Denise Wachs wrote “Thank you Uncle Ben. That was beautiful. She will be missed every single day.”

Danforth Nadsady's comment. ‘I remember visiting your family in Garden Grove and was always so in awe of Charlene and her vivacious persona. She was bigger than life to me.”

Stephanie wrote on her Face Book page, “My cousin Charline Wachs passed away yesterday. They think it was her heart. I have so many fond memories of her. I am so glad I was able to make the camping trip this last year with her and her grown children and their families. I got a lot of good chats with her and had a wonderful time. But is there ever enough time” I will sure miss her. Love to her husband Dennis Wachs, her children James Clark, Denise Wachs, Michael Wachs and their families.”

Abagail Clark Brewer, who is James’ daughter wrote “You knew me better than most. You knew how I dealt with things, or rather didn’t deal with them. How I pushed things away to dull the hurt… you showed each and every one of us how very much you loved us and how important we all were to you. We know that we were your life, but I don’t think you knew that you were ours too.

You taught us to love” to really love. You taught us to love without conditions and to forgive no matter how hard it was. You showed us what it was to be selfless and to devote your life to taking care of others. You taught us more than you will ever know. I am so grateful for you Grandma I love you so much more than I ever could have told you. I want to scream it now. I want to scream to the top of my lungs so you can hear me. I want to hug you and hold your hand just one more time, if only for a moment.

I can’t though. I can’t hug you. I can’t touch you. I can’t see you, because you aren’t here. Wish it wasn’t so hard, but life is hard. I guess all this pain can be used for something good. It can change us. It can teach us. It can turn us into something better. It has changed me. You have changed me.

Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for giving me more than I ever could have asked for. Thank you for taking care of me and for all the memories and moments we shared. Thank you for teaching me and laughing with me. Thank you for devoting your life to all of us. I love you so much Gran. I love you more than you ever possibly knew. I will see you again and I know you will be waiting on me with open arms. You loved us all deeply, and we felt it. I hope you were able to feel our love pouring right back at you. Because we love you so much. Then, now, and forever. you can breathe easy again. Finally, Grandma, you can breathe without struggle. Finally, you are reunited with granny. Finally, you are home”. P.S A lady bug landed on my foot before I got the call .. I know it was you .. Thank you. May your beautiful spirit Rest In Peace …”

Later in the morning Kyle Foote and Danny Montoya came upstairs. Kyle met with his parole officer this morning and his work didn’t need him to go in. He gave me a long, long hug. Then he said that Danny had been called back to work. I wrote on face Book, Kyle's flight attendant friend Danny just was called into service to have to fly ICE deportees down to Brazil. So, I was up this morning fixing him sandwiches and making sure he has some food as we aren't sure how many food places will be opened at the airport. I can tell he's kind of nervous over what he may encounter being gone a week. Sending him off with a lot of disinfectant wipes too. It's starting to feel like living in war times.”

Angela Snow wrote, “It's an emergency that we have to deport people to Brazil right now?” I replied, “I know right? Bastard Trumphiles.” T.J. Otaka commented “I respect those who are working now, especially in the medical and service sectors. I pray for his safe return.”

Bill Poore wrote, “You have become a mother again” well always have been to the dogs”” and Richard Butler added, “He will be in our thoughts. Not easy but obviously necessary.”

So, I fixed Danny a bagel breakfast sandwich and Kyle some scrambled eggs the proceeded to make four sandwiches, two ham and cheese, and two roast beef and cheese. I gave him the lunch box container I had bought last summer but never really used to put the sandwiches in, plus some yogurt, and jelly beans.

So, while Kyle and Danny were packing for his flight, I called my niece Denise to see how she is holding up. She’s being brave and just doing what needs to be done in the moment. Charline is going to be cremated and she did not want a service but I told Denise that this summer when things calm down maybe Donna and I will be able to come down. When I asked how Dennis Wachs was handling it, Denise said he still was in shock but he is going to stay with my nephew Michael Wachs in Wichita, Kansas. I asked for how long and was surprised to hear, “permanently”. I guess my nephew James and Dennis really don’t get along that well and Michael will be better suited for taking care of his dad. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dennis doesn’t pass away also this year as his health is really poor too and without Charline to tell him what to do all the time he’s going to be lost.

Denise said that everything Charline and Dennis have is already in James’s name so there’s no need for a will or anything. So, I guess James will inherit the house Mom bought in San Tan Valley.

After hanging up I called Donna to visit some. I think Charline’s death is hitting her harder than I thought. I think Donna thought by moving to Arizona she would get to be closer to her. I said that I would send flowers to the house from the both of us so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.

At 1 in the afternoon, I took Lulubelle to the Dog Park groomers on North temple. The new reality is that they come outside to come get your pup rather than allowing you inside. When they called about 2 hours later that Lulubelle was ready, I paid over the phone using my debit card.  Kyle wanted to go with me since he was done dropping Danny off at the airport. We stopped at Arby’s and got a small shake.

He also went with me to take Coco home because he wanted to talk to Michael Romero about borrowing his truck. However over there, Mike said that it’s official and Dominion Gas wants him to work from his house rather than go into the shop. He will basically be on call to go get parts and such but will do it from home. However, he said that after work Kyle could borrow the truck to take the trailer he is renting for demolition debris out to the dump.

While I was fixing to feed the pups, Jim Dabakis dropped by to pick up Taco Belle. However, I asked him to let Taco eat first and so Kyle, he, and I visited for about an hour. This was the first time Jim asked about Craig Crawford. It was kind of awkward for sure. He and Kyle also discussed the prison system for a while also as I just sat and listened. My life is so bizarre I think at times.

After Jim left, Kyle went downstairs to study and rest up for his big day tomorrow tearing down a deck for these old couple in Bountiful. He also said he may have another job lined up designing a pool house for someone.

I watched another episode of Babylon Berlin before heading to bed rather early about 8:30 this evening.

I heard that Jackson Brown has tested positive for the Coronavirus and nearly 300 people here in Utah have tested positive. Some Republicans think killing off a portion of the population is acceptable if it saves the economy. They should burn in hell starting with trump. How many people will have to die before Republicans accept the fact that Trump is an enemy of the people?

Terrence McNally, died Tuesday, age 81 from complications of age and the Corona virus. He was 81. My all-time favorite Gay comedy is 1976’s The Ritz that he wrote with Treat Williams, Rita Moreno, jack Weston, F Murray Abraham, Kaye Ballard, and Jerry Stiller all in it.

25 March 2020 Wednesday

I was home until a little after noon when Kyle came back to the house and finished with him demolition project. He asked if I wanted to go get something to eat as well as go out to the Dump and Lowe’s. I said I did. We first went to Taco Bell on North temple and there was such a line in the drive through because no one could go inside. It was almost a 10 minute wait just to get through the line. I just had a red burrito and a small Dr. Pepper. Then we went out to the Dump to get rid of a bunch of old decking planks he had in the back of the truck. I helped him unload and then we went off to Lowes on 13^th South and 3^rd West. He bought a lot of items he needed for rebuilding the deck in Bountiful about $670 worth and I put it on my Lowe’s card. One of the items he really needed was only located at the Murray Lowes so went down there before getting back to the house around 3. It didn’t rain this morning but did in the afternoon quite a bit.

            He went back to Bountiful to hitch up the trailer he rented and take the remainder out to the dump by himself.

            I fixed myself a BBQ Beef sandwich but it didn’t sit well with me so as the day progress I was nauseous and sick to my stomach. I threw up a little but nothing much so I just covered myself with blankets and watched some more Babylon Berlin before heading to bed around 8:30. I have the sniffles and a runny nose too so may have a touch of a cold.

            James and Denise called and wanted to know where Charline was born as neither one could remember. They wanted it for her death certificate and Dennis was with them signing off for her to be cremated. I could tell they were both weepy. I told them Charline was born in Los Angeles but Donna and I were born in Texas. Charline was always proud she was a native Californian.

            In the news Summit County has ordered a lockdown until the 1^st of May as that county has a disproportionate amount of coronavirus cases.

Chicken Pot Pie Recipe

Filling:

1 cup chicken stock (I use Swanson’s unsalted), 1 cup whole milk

1/2 cup all-purpose flour, 2 teaspoons olive oil, 2 boneless chicken breasts (about 1 pound) cut into 1-inch pieces, 1 cup chopped onion, 2 carrots, sliced 1/8-inch thick (1 cup), 2 stalks celery, sliced 1/8-inch thick (1 cup), 1 cup frozen peas, thawed on a paper towel, 3/4 teaspoon salt (less if using salted stock), pepper to taste

Crust:

1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/3 cup vegetable oil, 1/3 cup 1% milk

egg wash (one egg yolk + 1 teaspoon water)

400 degrees Place on a foil-lined baking sheet. Bake for 25 minutes. Let stand at least 20 minutes before serving.

26 March 2020 Thursday

This morning lying in bed I was grateful to be socially isolated with my canine crew” they keep me sane in this time of insanity. Their needs and antics keep me grounded. If you have a pet companion, cat, dog, or bird consider yourself blessed at this time.

When I got up to fix some coffee I looked outside and we were blanketed with at least 3 inches of snow. First the corona virus, then an earthquake, Moroni trumpet falling, and now SNOW!!! My God why have you forsaken us? Is it because we are hoarding too much toilet paper here in Utah?

I commenced to make a breakfast of homemade butter biscuits with strawberry jam and fixed a scrambled egg to have with my morning mocha coffee topped marshmallows.

I sat down to watch the news and I know I am an old curmudgeon but am I the only one who finds the “feel good news clip” showing a Utah County grandma waving to a parade of her 34 “34!!! Grandchildren kind of disgusting? No wonder Mormons hoard so much.

As I was watching the news another good tremor shook the snow off the trees and startled the dogs. It lasted about 5 seconds but shook the house pretty good. It was a 3.2. Then within 10 minutes of the first one, here we go again” shake rattle and roll. The news said the epicenter for the aftershocks were near the airport golf course off of I-80. No wonder it felt jarring as my house is only about 3 miles from where it hit.

After that bit of excitement, I had to go to the Rose Park Smith's to pick up a refill prescription for Lisinopril my blood pressure medicine. On the way over I saw two Mormon sister Missionaries out and I thought good Lord what is wrong with the Mormon Church that they still have their missionaries tracting?

These women were not social distancing from each other either. The Mormon Church has shut down all their temples but they need to suspend their missionary work of going from house to house during this time I would think. Who knows what they could be spreading?

The Rose Park Smith's was not crazy at all and so I picked up some treats for the dogs, milk, carrots, wax paper, three 12 packs of Dr. Pepper and Coke Zero and some other items. There were signs on the store’s floor telling people to stand this far from each other, which was 6 feet, while waiting in line and they had several people going around and disinfecting carts and counters. The card readers at the pharmacy counters were also placed about 3 feet away from the pharmacist’s windows.

People in the store were generally polite and keeping at least 4 to 6 feet from each other within the store. As I have plenty of flour and other stuff and I didn't go around noticing what they might be out of. Actually, they looked well stocked.

When I came home, I washed my hands with soap and water. It’s all I can do as I don’t have any disinfected except bleach and ammonia.

I went to the store because I wanted to make a chicken pot pie that looked yummy. I changed the recipe a little by leaving out chopped onions and celery and added just carrots, peas, potatoes, red bell peppers, parsley, celery flakes, and of course chicken. I ran out of crust on one edge so next time I need to roll it out a little flatter and maybe make the inside a little creamier. It smelled good however and was good on this wet and snowy spring day. It's from a recipe by Cousin Stephanie Williams posted so I thought I'd try it.

I most just looked at Face book for much of my self-isolation, cleaned the basement laundry room by putting away a box full of Kyle’s clothes he hasn’t touched since he moved in, did a load of wash, and changed the filter on the furnace. It was time for sure.

Kyle came home from his Bountiful decking job to cut some planks with the bench saw he had bought. He had taken it out of these huge boxes that I cut down for him and put in the recycling trash bin.

When he took off to see about a bid to design a pool house for some people down in South Jordan, I watched a little more of the news and trump was holding another briefing. Good Lord he was rambling at the press conference that he’s responsible for the rate of people dying from covid 19 going down. So delusional, as the rate of infection is going up with America out pacing all other countries and deaths are now over a 1000.

            When Kyle came home he was so excited that he got the assignment for the pool house bid that his company Build Team bided on.

            In the evening, I had a message from Jimmy Hamamoto wanting me to call him and I did on my cracked I-phone. I don’t remember dropping it but I did and the corner is cracked but it seems to still work. I need to get all my contacts off it in case I have to replace it.

            Anyway, Jimmy just wanted to check in with some of his friends although he never asked a thing about me. With Jimmy it’s always a one sided conversation so he told me about having to teach special education at home and other issues. He said he was okay and that he wasn’t planning on retiring until he is 72. Ugh. His choice it seems. After hearing him drone on, I remembered why I stopped being friends with him because he is not really interested in my life. But for old time sake, and for John Reeves, I wanted to hear that he was okay.

            Kyle wanted to go out about 9 for a celebratory ice-cream so we went to Arby’s for a snack size shake. It’s been a while since I have been out that late at night.

27 March 2020 Friday

Strange dream I was showing Kyle Foote where I lived in the old Juel Apartment which no longer exists. I lived there for 3 years in a space not much larger than my front room and dining room is now.  But it was some the best years of my life and I guess I wanted to share that part of my life with Kyle in my dream.

Well, I was able to lock in a refinancing of my mortgage after calling almost every day for rates” they had been all over the place from 5.5 % last Friday to 3.67 % percent today. I was able to talk to Tammi Hass and she said that for $400 that would be added to the closing cost I could get the rate of 3.67 which she said would make my monthly payments $1011 per month for $184,000. I am currently paying 3.8 percent. She said it might not be until May 6^th that the loan is approved. The market is crazy like a roller coaster. It's like playing roulette “ just the luck of the moment as the rates are almost changing hourly” but 3.67 is lower than what I pay currently”

Kyle asked me to go with him to Lowes again and I agreed to get out of the house although I didn’t go in with him. While sitting in the truck and looking at my phone I saw that Arlyn Bradshaw said he tested positive for the Coronavirus” he's a county councilman and has been a champion in the Gay community for some time and was once president of LGSU.

I also had a voice message from Roseman Dental University canceling my April appointment which is just as well. I kind of thought that they might.

When we came back to the house, I was surprised to see Taco Belle here. Jim Dabakis must have dropped him off while we were out.

I cooked a pot of lima beans and ate on that and in the evening I called Mike Romero up and said the pups needed a ride and I wanted to bring over the rest of the chicken pot pie that I knew Kyle and I wouldn’t finish. Also, Mayor Mendenhall was issuing an order for Salt Lakers to shelter at home starting tomorrow so it might be a while getting out. Mike says so far he’s enjoying working from home but doesn’t know how long it might last or whether he will get laid off.

He wanted to show me a building that had a corrugated siding that he liked so we drove over to it on 9^th West and about 1^st South and I took a few pictures on my broken phone to send to Kyle.

I spent the rest of the evening home watching Peter Lorre in the classic “M” which I don’t think I’ve seen since I took a Film Appreciation class back at Cal State Fullerton.

In the news Congress passed the $2 trillion relief aid and of course the GOP made sure the riches 1 percenter get their share of profits and tax cuts.

Actress Kathy Griffin may have the coronavirus but can’t get tested and Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of Great Britain and Prince Charles have both tested positive. Italy is just being inundated with Coronavirus deaths but now the United States is number one in the amount of cases.

Observation of Ron Holmstrom “For fourteen days I have involuntarily stayed at home. Now looks like we are all going to be staying at home if we follow the Governor. I have plenty of food, have been catching up on my reading, and listening to music, watching films. And occasionally the weather permitting ,done yard, and even tackled the dishes. We are going through a time that none of us have experienced at least in the USA before. But there is something that is happening that we haven't experience in a while. We are coming together as a country to fight this thing. And despite almost turning the country into a nation of recluses, people are finding ways to help each other, honoring the people on the front lines battling this pandemic, and we have a positive attitude that indeed we will conquer this. I have never been more proud of my country than I am now. Staying at home is the best chance we have of defeating this scourge ”we will persevere.”

28 March 2020 Saturday

It snowed overnight again here in Westpointe” good thing I have mocha marshmallow coffee and 5 pups to cuddle with this gloomy Saturday morning. Residents of Salt Lake City is officially ordered to Shelter in place by the mayor. So, we are ordered to Shelter in place by the mayor of Salt Lake City. You mean I can’t go to the gym? Damn I was so looking forward to starting sometime this decade LOL. I guess I will have to stay home, bake, and watch TV, do some genealogy, research Gay history, play with the dogs, garden, face book, and feel sorry for myself” I heard that if residents of Salt Lake City violate Gov. Gary Herbert’s new “Stay Home, Stay Safe” directive, they could be charged with a class B misdemeanor and fined up to $1,000.

I read in the SL Tribune an article on Lucas Horns and his boyfriend, both Ballet West dancers, recovering from having the Coronavirus they contracted in NYC” Lucas founded the Rainbow Project and is such a good guy” I met with him several times in February regarding a history mural the project wants to do here in SLC” best wishes for a speedy recovery”

My neighborhood watch pack of pooches are in the Bay window keeping Fernleaf Street safe from shelter at home scofflaws.

Kyle Foote was gone most of the morning so I went into the hot tub to warm up. The hardest part of social distancing and sheltering in place is sitting naked in my hot tub all alone” oh the humanity “ curse you Covid 19 “ we all have to make our own sacrifices.

When he did come home he asked if I wanted to go with him down to South Jordan where he wanted to take some measurement for the enclosed pool he is designing. I said yes and just stayed in the car while he was doing his thing.

Back home I signed off all the disclosure documents for the refinancing that probably won’t go through until sometime in May. I also made some Oatmeal cookies full of walnuts, pecans, cranberries, raisins, coconut, and pepitas.  I also made some spaghetti sauce and noodles for lunch.

In the evening, I watched The Last Picture Show on the Criterion Channel. Even though it came out in 1971 I had never watched it. At the time of its release, it just didn’t appeal to me with so much else going on in my life. It was released to the theaters on the day my niece Denise Wachs was born.

I did call Denise to see how they are all doing down in Arizona. I guess she is still at the house and said that James’ daughter Abagail was there with her boyfriend helping out. We didn’t talk long because she was tired and busy.

I never thought I’d see the day in Utah when all the temples are closed but the liquor store is open. Signs of the time. I heard that Congressman Ben McAdams was released from the hospital to recover at home” very good news.

America has had the misfortune of having do nothing Republican Presidents during pandemics “ I never thought I'd hate another president as much as I hated Ronald Reagan” boy was I wrong”

29 March 2020 Sunday

I fixed a little breakfast of some bacon, a little hash browns, a fried egg and coffee. I wasn’t all that hungry but needed to eat something.

Salt Lake City and County are circling the wagons. Now Mayor Jenny Wilson has ordered a stay in place directive and shut down all salons and barber shops. I’m going to be pretty grizzly when this is all over. I will have long hair and beard by the time the ban is lifted. Maybe I will wear some flowers in my hair and revert back to being a hippie.

Brad Hart posted a video of his Spring Equinox get away to White Rocks in Skull Valley. I don’t even need to leave the house when Brad Hart posts such wonder videos of places he goes on YouTube. He wrote, “It wasn’t empty, there were about six other groups camped there, but not too crowded.”

“Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.”

I’ve been updating my Blog "This Day In Gay Utah History" with all this free time and working on my grandnephew Nate Ferguson’s family tree. Through his Zimmerman line he has Revolutionary War ancestors.

I paid $248.85 to Horace Mann confirmation number Q5HNB-W15DT. I was so proud of myself to actually go on line to add Horace Mann to my pay bills account at First America.

Jim Dabakis came over about 1 this afternoon to pick up Taco Belle. I think the little guy was ready to go home.

Kyle Foote went off this morning to look at a work truck that he may buy if he can get financing for it. We did our patriotic duty and ordered take out from Chubby’s” Fearless Leader Gov. Herbert said he expected all Utahns to eat take out 3 times a week.

I finished watching the third season of Babylon Berlin and started watch the disaster film 2012 that I don’t think I’ve seen in 10 years. I was tired and went to bed before finishing it.

            Saw that the owner of Ken Garff, Bob Garff died of the Corona Virus today. He was in his 70’s. The first NYC nurse to die of COVID-19 is a gay man. As he worked frantically to save lives, taking extra shifts so his colleagues could spend time with their kids, he worked without proper protective equipment--because the gear was not available. Jim Dabakis commented, “Do you suppose his patients or their desperate families invoked their religious liberty--to not be treated by this hero?”

People are having a really hard time paying their rent now. It seems to me that when the government forces you not to work they take some responsibility in helping pay rents and mortgages “ instead of just saying stay home” maybe the government need to have a bank freeze on what landlords have to pay on their obligations”

30 March 2020 Monday

The sun has come out after gloomy this morning with rain showers overnight” I've got two dogs in my lap this lazy Monday morning here in Westpointe in the River District west of Marmalade and Rose Park.

            Kyle Foote bought the diesel Ford work truck today from some people down in south salt Lake. He got a really good deal on it for $4500 when it’s worth at least $10,000. I went with him to drive him down there this morning so he could pick it up. My house is becoming to look like a used car lot. Danny Montoya’s car is parked out front as well as my Sonoma pickup, and Kyle’s Rogue is in the driveway because his side of the garage is being used by a saw bench he used to cut lumber for the deck he is building in Bountiful. My Fit is still in the garage though.

            In the afternoon, Mike Romero came over because Coco needed to play with the gang. He’s still working out of his place and I guess will indefinitely until the virus subsides. Kyle came home from work, with his new truck, and had Mike look at it. Mike agreed he got a really good deal. I sent him home with some of the oatmeal cookies I made and a dozen eggs because he said he was getting low and needed some. He wanted to go to the 7 in the morning Senior time at Smith’s tomorrow but I informed him that it’s only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday

            I made some chicken and dumplings for dinner but I made it a little too spicy using his Caribbean spice but it was okay.

            I tried watching some Gay movies on Hulu but found them boring and did not feel like watching anything else so just ended up going to bed around 9 tonight.

            I never want to hear people say we need to have a business man as president and the government ran like a business ever again. America is more than an economy.

31 March 2020 Tuesday

Today is my Grandma Williams birthday. She was born in 1902 in Stonewall County, Texas. Well One day quickly becomes like another when you are home all day but it was a nice warm day in the mid 60’s and it’s supposed to be the best day all week.  Kyle Foote woke me up at midnight by leaving the house and by hearing the garage door open. He didn’t come banc until almost 1 in the morning. I wonder where he goes? I don’t ask. But I couldn’t’ go back to sleep so I just got up and worked on the Ferguson Genealogy until nearly 2:30 when I thought I’d better try to get some more sleep.

            Surprisingly the pups let me sleep in until 8:00 when I just got back on the community and did some more genealogy until about 11:00 when I knew I need to get up and get moving. It was kind of a really lazy day doing genealogy and soaking in the hot tub “I should have done some yard work because it's so nice out but nahh”

I was watching the noon hour news when I heard a very familiar bark and I looked down and there was Taco sporting a new collar with the tag still on it like Minnie Pearl! Jim Dabakis must have let the put through the side gate ha! Theres no order keeping the pooches from socially isolating “ if he's got to be quarantine Taco says he wants a big although smudgy bay window to hang with his posse

I made a beef pot pie but I filled up on onion rings from going to Arby’s with Kyle so I'm too full to eat any. He wanted nachos so we also stopped in at Taco Bell so we helped keep the economy going. He looked up some applications on line for me to co-sign for him to get a reduced interest rate on his vehicles. So, neither of us had any pot pie but it will keep. I made it with sautéed beef, potatoes, carrots, green beans, peas.

The pups had left over chicken breasts, brown rice, left over chicken dumplings, and a little bit of roast beef”

Shit getting real ”I am down to my last few jelly beans” debating whether I should risk going to the store” I mean I am talking jelly beans and what is Easter without jelly beans?

Bill Poore had written last Saturday, “I think we should see each other”. I want to come over and see the pups”. fuck this social distancing.” He wrote today, “How are you doing?  you didn't respond to my last message.” So, I responded, “I am fine” just trying to stay busy with genealogy and watching shows “ how are you doing? I can come get you tomorrow if you want to come over for a bit”” He answered like he has been doing for a while, “I think we should wait s day, feel slight fever.”  I wrote back, “Okie dokie ”Thursday its suppose to rain so maybe Friday.”  I knew he probably wouldn’t get out of the house but at least I made the effort even if we aren’t suppose go out unless it’s essential business.

Idaho had a 6.5 earthquake around 6 this evening about 80 miles northeast of Boise. Its rocking and rolling here in the mountain west. A lot of people said they felt it here but I didn’t .

The Pride Center announced the postponement of Pride Day until late September because of the Covid19 crisis. I didn't think they'd be able to pull it off anyway” it's such a big under taking and who knows we may all be still under orders to be socially distancing “ we've had Pride Day as late as the end of July but this will be the latest” I think Southern Utah has their celebrations in September also. Robert Moolman wrote me saying, “I think we are all body venturing into some uncharted waters. I hope everyone is saying prayers and providing offerings to whichever deities that they might or might not think will help with the NO RAIN situation. Instead of first Pride of the year in Utah, in 2020, we will be the last.”

Theres going to be a lot fewer evangelicals and white nationalists after this is all over if they don’t smarten up “ sad people are so enamored with the trump cult that they will risk their lives for a demagogue who doesn't give a rats ass for them at all.

This is sobering: “Make no mistake. When loved ones are removed from your home by ambulance because the virus has hit them hard, you are not going to be able to follow them there, sit by their hospital bed and hold their hand. You are not going to be able to pop in at 7.00 pm for visiting hours. They are going to have no one other than exhausted and brave hospital staff to see them through days or weeks of barely breathing through a ventilator until they either die or recover. They are not going to be well enough to text you.

You are not going to be able to phone the ward to check in on them regularly (staff will be too busy for that). During that time, they will be completely alone, while you sit at home waiting to hear whether they have made it through.

Imagine that person is someone you love dearly. Because it's going to be a reality for many in the coming weeks.

And if that person in hospital happens to be you, going through that ordeal completely alone, it would be nothing less than terrifying.

Please stay home and only go out if absolutely necessary. Social distancing is imperative right now for your family and mine.”