JULY
 |
| John Reeves, me, Bob Christensen |
AUGUST
1 August 1988 Monday
I think I stayed in the apartment all day cleaning and picking up the place until I went up to the PIE for pizza near the University as a last function for the 1988 Steering Committee of Beyond Stonewall. Mike Buck was our accountant, John Reeves the Director, Randy Olsen was the rides coordinator, Chuck Whyte and Eric Christensen were the publicists, James Connelley was facility coordinator, and Mark Lamar and I were the workshop coordinators. Eric and Mark were the only ones who didn’t attend for Pizza and our last meeting.
Later in the evening I called Steve Barker from Ogden. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes but then had to make another call. He called me back and all in all we talked on the phone from 9:30 until 2 in the morning. He said that he knew Billy Bikowski and had even set him up on a date with one of Steve’s old flames. He said the date was a disaster because they were both so alike with their hang-ups. He did not think that highly of Billy. I can’t be objective however when it comes to him. Steve had just broken up with Pedro Vacaflores so he was kind of blue.
I really enjoyed talking with Steve and the time just seemed to slip away. I don’t know why but I feel drawn to Steve but not necessarily in a romantic way. He knew Clair Harward, really well, the Mormon boy who died of AIDS in Ogden after being excommunicated. How he was treated was a powerful force in my leaving the Mormon Church and coming out of the closet.
2 August 1988 Tuesday
There were summer thunderstorms today. It is the first really wet day in months. It sure helped cool things off.
I am so poor. I went to the Crossroad Urban center to get some food. That was a humbling experience. Chuck Whyte who works for the Citizen Congress sure has come through for me with groceries from Crossroads’ food bank.
But I have a job interview tomorrow at 11 in the morning in Davis County. I don’t know why I bother. I’m not going to get hired but if I don’t go, it’s a foregone bet I won’t get hired.
Later I went to the central library to write up my history column for the Triangle. I am writing about Oscar Wilde.
At Unconditional Support tonight we had a large turnout especially of people who had been to Beyond Stonewall. We basically shared our collective experiences and the meeting was very powerful. It was probably one of our better meetings. Eric Christensen was at the meeting tonight and it was good to see him looking well after having been in the hospital.
Afterwards we went to Dee’s for coffee. I was sad to hear Ken Francis say he may be leaving for California because he’s depressed that James Zurkel the twit, who had been leaving with him, has left him again.
I tried calling Steve Barker three times this evening but he was never home.
John Reeves and I need to get together this week to talk about Beyond Stonewall ’89. I always want Beyond Stonewall to have as its theme “Liberating the Captives and Binding Up The Broken Hearted.”
3 August 1988 Wednesday
What a bizarre day. Randy Olson took me to Farmington where I had an interview with Mr. Olearain, the principal from Sunset Elementary. I think it was a good interview but I have been so disappointed about the three other interviews that I thought I did well on. So I am not optimistic about getting a teaching contract this year.
Steve Barker picked me up after the interview because Randy couldn’t stay and he took me up to Ogden where he treated me to lunch at the Ben Lomond Hotel downtown. I think it might be a Radisson Hotel now. Anyway after lunch we went to Steve’s house and visited, getting to know each other better. We talked a lot about Billy Bikowski and how bizarre and compartmentalize he is. He’s like a completely different person who ever he is with.
Also I think I know now what really happened on his mission that caused him to have a nervous breakdown in Uruguay . From what Billy confided in Steve and from the little he told me, I think that while Billy was staying at these people’s home in Uruguay, he flirted or charmed the daughter of the family who wanted him to sleep with her. It’s likely that Billy may have tried and with all his hang ups on sex and masculinity he felt too guilty and couldn’t screw her. However she was in love with him and kept after him for sex. His failure to perform probably caused him to have a mental collapse and after confessing was sent home. I think this will be the closest I will ever come to the truth.
Anyway Steve asked me if I would go to the show with him and we went down to Salt Lake City to Cinema In Your Face on Broadway. There we saw an art film called “Aria” which was an anthology film of ten short films by ten different directors. It was interesting. The film was entered into the 1987 Cannes Film Festival. Steve’s mentally challenged uncle Darryl and his 17 year old son Spencer who is Gay, along with Spencer’s 17 year old friend Jeff Sewell went with us.
Jeff is this red headed nice guy and seems really special. Jeff is sweet, bright, clever, handsome, charming, and sexy and really mature for his age. He will turn 18 in September. He’s into computers and dinosaurs and had attended Beyond Stonewall last weekend with Steve and Spencer.
After the show we all came back to my place to visit. However Spencer left to take his father home but Steve and Jeff spent the night as we had stayed up so late talking. We spent much of the time discussing whether Spencer has gotten himself involved with an older “chicken hawk”.
Anyway I let Jeff sleep on the couch while Steve and I slept on the carpet but I slept closest to Jeff. He evidently was attracted to me and reached for my hand. I let him hold it but then he tugged me up on the couch with him and we kissed for most of the night while Steve slept soundly. It could be so easy to fall in love with Jeff even with the major age differences between us.
Earlier in the evening, Steve had offered to take me back to Texas on a road trip to see my folks. He said he’d pay off the expenses but I’m not sure if I want to deal with the under line, unstated obligations I might feel. I really like Steve and all but the chemistry between us is just not the same as I now feel for Jeff.
4 August 1988 Thursday-
Jeff Sewell and Steve Barker left this morning to head back to Ogden on the bus. It was so sweet snuggling and kissing Jeff’s sensual lips. We had held hands almost all night long and nothing more. However I was so tired that after they left, I went to bed and slept in until noon and then I just stayed in love struck daze for most of the day.
In the evening I went to The Gay and Lesbian Community Council where I was a rabble rouser. I put forth the motion that we educate the politicians of this community and state about our issues. Greg Stanger was my main adversary throughout the meeting saying that the council should not be political at all. I said that if we pretend to leaders here, then we need to lead and take the risks to keep Gay Liberation alive in Utah. As far as I know this is the first time the word Gay Liberation has been used in the council.
5 August 1988 Friday-
Jack Olearain, the Principal from Sunset Elementary called me at 1:30 this afternoon and offered a job teaching 6th grade in the Davis County School District. He said he was impressed with my interview when I said “No one cares how much you know until they know how much your care.” He will send me the district forms in the mail so I can start orientation for new teachers on the 23rd. I am ecstatic. I can’t believe it. It’s not just getting a job but being hired is the culmination of a process I started at BYU 12 years ago. I still can hardly believe it that I finally can begin a career.
Dave Reed was over at the apartment visiting about what is going on with him when I received the phone call. He said he had just quit his 3rd grade elementary teaching job this year. He said he was burned out after 16 years.
He also said that he saw Billy Bikowski a couple of weeks ago and they talked about me. Billy said that he was beginning to feel something for me. Well that’s fine and dandy but a little too late. I’ve even changed the name of my cat from Billy to Willy.
Since I was hired today I’ve decided to go back to Texas with Steve Barker after all. We will leave out tomorrow. Mark Lamar also dropped by. He said that he would feed “Willy” for me while I’m gone.
Later I called Tom and Jean Horan, our old neighbors, to see if Mom and Dad were there but they weren’t so I guess they are already on their way to Texas. I did call my Aunt Pauline Johnson and told her I probably will be coming back for a visit.
In the evening, John and I distributed Triangle Magazines in all the bars and in the Club 14 bathhouse. While we were about and about I saw some guys who were at Beyond Stonewall a the In-Between and it’s like we have this rapport now. Strange it was just a week ago that we were all sitting around a campfire listening to Dr. Patty Reagan regale us with tales about our Gay heritage.
Jeff Sewell was going to come down from Ogden to spend the night with me but he later called and said that Derek Streeter had called him and had asked him to go up to Park City for the Art Fair. Derek said he’d pick Jeff up tomorrow from Ogden to take him so he stayed in Ogden. So I guess Jeff decided to do that rather than be with me. I miss being with Jeff and seeing him. Oh well. It’s not like we can do anything until he turns 18 even though he wants too. So it’s just as well we cool it.
This trip with Steve Barker to Texas will be fun and a good get away. We will go through Santa Fe New Mexico on the way down so that should be fun also. I’m just nervous about going not having any money of my own and being completely dependent on Steve. I’ve never done that before. But he said he wanted to do it for me for all that I had done putting Beyond Stonewall together.
6 August 1988 Saturday
It was another bizarre day. After tossing and turning all night, anxious about taking a road trip to Texas, I was up at 9 to get ready to pack and clean the apartment. I hate returning to a messy place.
Steve Barker was supposed to have picked me up at noon but he called at 11 to say it would be probably closer to 2 in the afternoon. Then he said we had to go to Park City first to see some people at the Art Festival. That made me anxious as I knew Billy Bikowski would be at the Art Festival but I also thought the chances of running into him were slim.
It started to thunder and shower when Steve showed up at 2:30 and we were in Park City by 3:30. As we carried two bundles of newspapers down Main Street, God Damn it, I saw Billy. He didn’t see me but still I was really upset because I didn’t want to see him at all.
Anyway I lost myself in the crowd so Billy wouldn’t see me. Steve found Jeff Sewell who then came to see me and to say hi as another thunder shower began. We ran down Main Street getting soaked to where Derek Streeter, Dave Malmstrom and Dave’s friend Antonio had sheltered. I was just having a delightful time with Jeff, who made me forget all about Billy. I know I have an infatuation on him but seeing Jeff together with Derek is disconcerting. Does he have a crush on Derek also?
The rain didn’t let up, so we all went into the Main Street mall and as I was walking, almost arm in arm with Jeff, I hear a very familiar voice saying “hi” as someone rushed by me. It was Billy. I didn’t even respond back as I was truly happy just being with Jeff.
Anyway Steve was anxious to be on the way because he said he had to go back to Ogden before leaving for Texas. I was mildly disappointed leaving Jeff behind especially with Derek that old scoundrel.
In the car I had to take my contacts out as I think I may have scratched my eyeball as it was sore. Then while heading back down to Ogden, Steve pulled over to pick up a scary looking hitch hiker without even asking me. I was so upset and thought to myself is this what it’s going to be like going back to Texas with Steve; me subject to his whims. I hated not having any money as is.
Anyway, back in Ogden, after letting the hitch hiker out, I asked Steve to pull over and I explained to him that I didn’t want to go to Texas with him after all. I said while it was nice of him to offer I just didn’t feel good about it. I said we haven’t really known each other that long yet to be taking such a long trip together where I am totally dependent on him.
I couldn’t really verbalize all my feelings but seeing Billy when I didn’t want to do so, picking up a hitch hiker, Steve being so adamant about getting his way all the time, and my being completely dependent on him for every little thing, had me feeling some real resentment.
Steve was shocked that I didn’t want to go after all but eventually agreed with me that it was probably for the best. Right now is probably not the right time to be making this trip.
He agreed however to take me to Sunset Elementary so I could see where I would be teaching. I found that it is right off of the Route 70 Bus Line from Salt Lake to Ogden so I can take a bus to work with absolutely no problem. It’s only about a half a mile from the bus stop. However I will have to get up really early to catch the bus at 7 in the morning.
As it was in the late afternoon now, Steve and I stopped at a Chinese restaurant for supper before going back to his place where we talked about his nephew Spencer’s involvement with this pedophile named Gary. We discussed ways we could convince Spencer that his relationship with Gary was not healthy.
A friend of Steve’s named John Terrill then dropped by and he said he knew both Clare Harward and Billy. I am meeting so many people who know Billy but who don’t anything about me at all.
Steve took me home to Salt Lake City at midnight. I feel good about the decision not to go back to Texas but I am sad and disappointed I won’t be seeing Grandma and Grandpa Johnson.
7 August 1988 Sunday-
It was a delightful ending to what was mostly a boring day. It was the first time in a long time that I was actually bored. I haven’t written that I’ve been bored for a very long time but today I was bored.
I walked over to the Rainbow gas station on 4th South and 7th East and bought a Sunday paper to read and I was still bored. I think I was also edgy and nervous about whether I would see Jeff Sewell at Affirmation tonight.
I talked a little to Ben Barr this morning who is going crazy getting ready for an AIDS Award Banquet . It’s the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation’s first and they are presenting Dr. Kristin Ries with an award to honor her for her dedication to people with AIDS. Ben said that Newsweek magazine recently presented her with its "Unsung Hero of 1988" and she was also named by Utah Holiday magazine as the most compassionate physician in Utah.
Mark Lamar came over at 5, after attending his Salt Lake AIDS Foundation’s training session. I told him that Steve Barker was coming down from Ogden to attend Affirmation and I asked Mark to join us which he did. I was a little hesitant thinking I might see Billy there but he wasn’t after all
It was a Pot Luck social at Affirmation this evening and there were lots of people attending but I was fixated on Jeff alone. He’s so cute, charming, and sexy. He’s about 6 feet tall, copper colored hair, blue eyes, lightly freckled, and a smile that would melt butter. He has such strong rugged Gaelic looks. Surprisingly Derek Streeter who was also at Affirmation was not at all interested in paying attention to Jeff as much as I was for sure.
After the pot luck, Steve Barker wanted to go to Backstreet to see Ben Cabey’s show Fusion but I didn’t. However Mark Lamar did but he hadn’t any money. So I gave him a couple of buck for the cover and to buy a libation.
Jeff Sewell stayed at my place until Steve came back to pick him up to take him home. We kissed and made out the entire time but kept everything above board. As he is still inexperienced, we just hold hands and kiss. I especially love just talking to him and getting to know him better as we come from different time lines. I think I am falling in love again. I know I am infatuated with him for sure. It was after midnight when Steve Barker came by to retrieve Jeff.
8 August 1988- Monday-
John Reeves dropped by this afternoon feeling frustrated and dejected not being able to find a position for the fall. He said he is so broke that he’s not sure he can pay rent in September. I gave him $20 after I closed my savings account at the Utah Credit Union so he could renew his membership at Club 14. I only had $25 in the account anyway. John is so lonely for physical affection and needs sex for his emotional health like we all do and since Gog has brought Jeff Sewell into my life, I wanted John to be happy too and he enjoys the activities at the bath.
Jeff called me this morning and asked if he could come down from Ogden to do some genealogy research with me. I said certainly but I let him know that today the genealogy library closes early on Monday for Family Home Evening. He said he wanted to come down anyway to see me and he could come down after work at 9 tonight.
Ken Francis called me this evening and said that he’s got a job in South San Francisco and will be moving to California this week. I am so happy for him but sad for me. I asked if he would take me downtown to meet Jeff’s bus which came in just as we arrived. Ken then took us back to the Juel and there Jeff spent the night at my place. He is delightful. His birthday is September 16 and it blows my mind that I can be involved with someone his age and that he’s attracted to me at my age. But it’s not his age that appeals to me but it’s what Jeff himself calls chemistry. Call it whatever. I know that I am falling for him.
9 August 1988 Tuesday-
Jeff Sewell spent the night however there was no sleep for the two of us as we laid in each other’s arms all night long. We slept on the carpet, which was uncomfortable any way, but out lips were touching all night when we weren’t; talking like lovers.
I fixed Jeff some breakfast and then at noon he had to leave to catch the bus back to Ogden so he could go into work. However he said he’d try to come back down with Steve Barker to attend Unconditional Support tonight. That made me still want to be in his company so I took the Ogden bus with him for his ride back home. Jeff and I sat in the back of the bus and laughed about us being “love criminals” in the state of Utah.
I also went to see how long it will take me to get to Sunset Elementary and with all the stops and detours it was one and a half hours. So it will be a 3 hour round trip when I start work there.
Anyway I was back home by 5 and even though I was exhausted from not getting any sleep last night I had to pull things together for Unconditional Support. Jeff wasn’t able to make it to U.S. after all because he misread his work schedule ad had to work later than he thought.
We had a nice turn out though. Summer must be winding down because people are coming back. We answered some questions that Glen Camomile made up just something light and fun. Glen I found out is a high school teacher at Viewmont in Davis County. He’s about 52 years old and very charming.
Allan Petersen and Erick Vaughn will probably become the new assistant directors of Unconditional Support when Ken Francis leaves because Randy Olsen is wanting to step down also. Ken came to Unconditional Support to say goodbye. I almost started to cry. Ken has been an important part of my coming out story.
At Dee’s Coffee Shop, Mike Anderson showed up after his getting off work. He looks pretty good after having lost 30 pounds
10 August 1988 Wednesday
Steve Barker called me this afternoon to say that after talking to Jeff Sewell, Jeff said he was upset with something I had said to him about Derek Streeter. I was really upset because Steve said that Jeff didn’t want to go the community dance this coming Saturday night because I’d be there and he wanted to be with Derek. I was rather freaked out by this news so rather than just hearing all this second hand, I called Jeff up directly. I told him that I didn’t want to “smother” him but just wanted him to be happy. He thought I wasn’t attracted to him because I wouldn’t have sex with him and Derek does want to. I am glad I called because it cleared the air but still it was upsetting.
John Reeves is rather upset because his phone will probably be turned off today because he’s out of money to pay his bill. We went to the dollar movie tonight just to get away and forget our troubles for a moment. We saw Poltergeist III which the description of “awful” is being too kind.
11 August 1988 Thursday
I woke up at 5 this morning feeling nauseous so I decided just to stay up. I need to start getting used to it. At 7 I caught the bus to the Genealogy Library where I stayed until 4 when the power to the building went off. I guess a huge dust storm blew in abut we didn’t get any rain out of it.
I worked primarily on Jeff Sewell’s genealogy but didn’t touch anything I would have gotten paid for because I am so over Lineages.
I stayed home for the rest of the evening, watching television, mostly The Cosby Show, A different World, Cheers, Night Court, and L.A. Law before going to bed at 10.
John Reeves had his phone disconnected today so there’s no way I can contact him now. Then some collection agent called to harass me about my Visa Account being delinquent. I said I don’t have $20 to my name and hung up on him.
12 August 1988 Friday-
Ken Francis left for California today. When he came over this afternoon and I knew this time it really was goodbye, I started to cry, just bawled. His leaving is just another closure of a period of my life. Ken has been a very important part of my Gay life and I’m going to miss him beyond words.
Willy Marshall told me that Jon Butler has fled to California also. Changes, changes all around me. Nothing seems constant in my world any more.
I am also really melancholy over Jeff Sewell as well. What to do about Jeff? I’m already more involved with him than I should be. He’s out tonight seeing Evita at the Capitol Theater. Then tomorrow he’s going on an Affirmation sponsored hike with Derek. On Sunday Derek is picking him up to take him to Affirmation.
I’m not going to run after Jeff and try to compete with Derek. Billy Bikowski once said to me that nothing is as unattractive as desperation. So true. I want to be Jeff’s obsession, his number one. If that is horrible, than I am sorry but that’s how I feel.
I love that man but I am not going to go through with him what I did with Billy. This old heart can’t take any more heart breaks. Maybe I will just say, “fuck it all.” Love is not meant for me. “they’re writing songs of love, but not for me.”
Steve Barker wants me to move into his apartment in Ogden. No way in hell. I need my own space.
It is a warm August night but it’s cooler than it was in June and July. The crickets are chirping making their night music. Tomorrow it will be three years that I returned back to Utah from California. Can it only be three years? Seems a life time ago.
13 August 1988 Saturday.
I was nauseous for most of the day. I don’t know why. Perhaps I have a small bug. I went to the HYPER Building on campus and weighed myself and I was down to 191 pounds. I hope to be down to 185 by September 1st. I sat in the sauna a little but it was quiet the time I was there.
Anyway Steve Baker dropped by thus afternoon before going to see “Evita” with Steve Oldroyd. We had a heated discussion over pedophilia and he was defensive of it and I was adamantly opposed to it. I was actually getting sick to my stomach and was disgusted with Steve even though I know he is not a pedophile himself, that I know of. However his defense of the North America Man Boy Love group made him seem sleazy in my eyes, his defending the exploitation of minors.
It also made me feel dirty regarding my affection for Jeff Sewell even though he’s almost a grown adult but won’t be 18 until next month. I hate that. I’ve been melancholy all day over Jeff and our relationship if we even have one. Does he care for me or is it only hormones on his part?
Anyway in the mail, mom sent me $200 to help out until I can start getting paid teaching. James Conrad called wanting Ben Barr’s phone number so he ask him out on a date.
We held a Community dance at the central City Community Center Jeff showed up with Derek and while he wasn’t all over Derek, he really wasn’t with me either. I was not feeling well for most of the night and seeing Jeff there and his not being near me made me sad. The only time we were together at all was when I gave him a copy of the genealogy I did for him.
I talked to Mark Kraft for most of the evening and had a heated discussion with Rob Moore who wrote what I thought a very homophobic article about Gay Pride Day for the Triangle.
14 August 1988 Sunday-
It’s Mark Lamar’s 29th birthday but I am still not feeling well. Rocky O’Donovan came over this afternoon and took me out to dinner. We had Greek food over at Trolley Square. However it made my stomach even sicker.
. We talked about Gay History and how he is doing some research on Gay people in Mormon Church history. In the late afternoon we walked over to Mark Lamar to see him on his birthday. Rocky left from there but Mark walked back to my place and we later walked up to Affirmation. I wasn’t feeling well and was not in the mood to see either Billy Bikowski or Jeff Sewell so after thinking they might be there, I told Mark I wasn’t up to staying and walked back down the escarpment to my apartment.
There I realized that Jeff was just an illusion and perhaps a reclamation of a youthful time I never had with John Cunningham. So goodbye sweet, sweet Jeff. Live long and prosper and may all good things come to you.
15 August 1988 Monday
I am still sick to my stomach.
In the evening Steve Barker and an Indian friend of his named Kenny came down from Ogden wanting to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I was still feeling nauseous but went with them to show them where LGSU meets. Steve said that Billy Bikowski was at Affirmation yesterday so I was glad I wasn’t there. He also said that Jeff Sewell told him that he was “in love” with Derek Streeter. I think deep in my gut I knew that. Perhaps that’s why I am so sick. Steve said Jeff’s afraid I will treat him the way I do Billy but what Jeff just doesn’t know the hell that Billy has put me through for 2 years.
I have such mixed feels about the revelation about Jeff’s affection for Derek, sadness and relief. I just want to be a lone, live alone, and die alone. Why am I doing any of this? What is wrong with me that no one ones me?
1 September 1988 Thursday
When back in Salt Lake after work, I called Jeff Sewell to see what he was doing this long Labor Day weekend. Every other word out of his mouth was Derek this or Derek that. I was so disappointed that I just terminated the conversation. What’s the use? I need to just let it go.
At 6:30 this evening Fran called and said she was bringing her boyfriend Vincent by the place so I had to straighten up the apartment real fast.
I didn’t go to Gay and Lesbian Community Council for the first time in over a year and I might not again. I don’t much see the point with all my allies leaving. In St. George Orrin hatch was caught on record calling the Democrats the party of homosexuals. The nerve of his fag bashing us. Later he tried to deny that he made such derogatory comments until presented with a recording of his comments.
Anyway Fran and Vince came over at 7 and I met her new love for the first time. He’s in his late 50’s for sure and kind of overweight but I think he really cares for Fran and that is all that matters to me. I know it probably seemed awkward for him to meet me but Fran wanted him to. She said she signed the divorce papers and wants to file for bankruptcy. I said why not.
It was good to see Fran again and to visit. She said her mother Lorna Fuchs is in a rest home in Minnesota with a broken leg and isn’t doing well.
I held Fran as we said our goodbyes. How bitter sweet. I told her about FHP the Family Health Plan my school insurance covers and how she could start using it.
I went to bed early again, not feeling well.
2 September 1988 Friday
I just tossed and turned all night even waking up at 2:30 in the morning. Thank God it is Friday with a long weekend coming up. I need it so badly. I thought a lot about Billy Bikowski and Jeff Sewell while tossing and turning.
I decided not to let them drive me away from attending Affirmation if I want to go. I’ve decided to just inform them to leave me alone if they come up to say hi to me there.
Susan McCoy likes to leave early on Fridays from work so thank God I was home by 4 in the afternoon. I’m sure I’ve caught a cold probably from the kids.
Mark Lamar came over at 6 this evening and wanted me to go with his to Radio City to have a drink and pick up copies of the Triangle Magazine. So while I wasn't feeling all that great I went with him anyway.
At the bar, because I hadn’t eaten anything all day I got shit face on two cocktails. John Pearce, Chip Prince’s lover was there and kept trying to feel me up. I was so drunk I didn’t much care. Eventually we left the RC and walked down 2nd South to the In-Between but at 9:30 I finally said to Mark that I wanted to go home and he walked me back to my place because I was so drunk. I hadn’t been this drunk in months and months. I am such a light weight.
Ken Francis called me tonight and said he loves California even though he hasn’t started his new job yet. I am glad I was able to loan him $70 for his move. I told him just to pay it back when he could.
I went to bed after 10 and I know I am sick. Ugh!
3 September 1988 Saturday-
I didn’t have a hangover but I felt really lousy all day from this cold. I really didn’t do a whole heck of anything except try to straighten up this messy apartment. I did walk down to the Central Library for a little bit. I needed to Xerox some forms for the phone company to keep them from disconnecting my phone because of the bill that Fran owes.
Other than that I stayed in all evening and watch a little Saturday night television and talked to a bunch of people on the phone but I was in bed by 10:30.
James Conrad called before I went to bed and we visited some. That was nice. Mark Lamar also called and said he was staying home too because after he left me he went back to Radio City and was picked up by some guy and didn’t get home until early this morning.
Randy Olson said he saw John Bennett at the Gay and Lesbian Community Council last Thursday. He said that John has moved back to Utah because things didn’t pan out for him in California. Reina Horton from the Youth Group was elected to replace John Reeves as Vice Chair.
I saw Bill Sims yesterday while I was out at the bars and he’s back in Utah from California too. Lots of people move to California but then come back. I used to really like kissing Bill when I first met him a few years ago. He’s still cute but kind of an alcoholic I think.
I did try to get a hold of Mike Buck and Dave Malmstrom to set up a Beyond Stonewall meeting for tomorrow but it doesn’t look like it will happen this Sunday.
Randy Olsen called me to tell me about GLCCU. He said he saw John Bennett there and that he has moved back to Utah from California.
What’s in my head? I’m kind of in the blahs. September is still a hard month for me. In 1985 I was finally hired by Utah Title but Fran was out of work and we were so broke after spending our savings moving back to Utah. We were living off of Zucchini and peaches that were growing at the house we rented on Roberta Street.
In 1986 , I fell completely in love with Billy Bikowski who was putting me through living hell which continued into 1987. He didn’t love me but wouldn’t let me go either.
This year I am in tight straights until I get paid in October because teachers only get paid once a month. If it wasn’t for the $200 that Dave Malmstrom loaned me after he sold his Trans Am, I would be entirely broke. That’s all I have to live on until I get paid for August and September.
I am not feeling good about myself again. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I should love myself just as I am.
The article about Beyond Stonewall that was in this month’s Triangle was fun to read. I want to go on a March on Washington again and take the train with Mark Lamar across America. What an adventure that was.
4 September 1988 Sunday
I slept in a lot today trying to get over this miserable cold. I spent a lot of the afternoon correcting a lot of my student’s homework.
In the evening, mark Lamar called and that he wouldn’t be going to Affirmation with me all, but Randy Olson said he would. I needed the moral support in case I see Jeff Sewell or Billy Bikowski there.
When we arrived for the pot luck, I took Dave Malmstrom aside to discuss Beyond Stonewall and some other activities like the community dances. We sat by ourselves in the chapel and when we came back out into the Social hall I saw that Billy was there. I was shaking so much that Randy actually gave me a valium to calm down. I made sure I sat far away from him and did not look in his direction and he did not try to approach me. It was a good thing for him or I might have gone off on him.
Jeff Sewell arrived without Derek Streeter and I ignored him too but when he came up to me, I couldn’t be mean to him. He’s just a sweet naïve kid who’s in love with someone other than me. He was feeling sad because Derek went to some meeting where Jeff wasn’t invited. What an insensitive bastard.
After the meeting ended, I kicked everyone out of the church so Dave could lock up and go with some of us out for coffee at Dee’s. I then saw that Jeff was standing outside in the dark and I asked him when he was being picked up. He said as soon as Steve Barker’s other meeting was over but didn’t know when. I said get in the car. You can’t wait here all alone for who knows how long. So we took Jeff to Dee’s with us.
As it was Steve Barker didn’t come to get him until after midnight so Jeff would have been stranded for several hours waiting alone.
Anyway, we stayed at Dee’s until they closed and kicked us out. Billy Bikowski was the topic of conversation among the group and that depressed me.
5 September 1988 Monday Labor Day
Smoke is heavy in the air from all the fires up Emigration Canyon and what is drifting down from Yellowstone. It’s been hot for so long that I hardly notice it anymore. It’s been in the mid to high nineties since the middle of June with just a trace of rain. It’s been just an extremely dry, hot, hot summer.
I’m not in love so it’s not been a very exciting summer, just the same nagging aching in my heart over Billy Bikowski.
I didn’t do a heck of a lot today. I just graded more papers and talked to different people over the phone. I was bored mostly. I would have like to have gone to the movies but no buses are running today and I have no car. So alas I just stayed home.
Steve Barker called in the evening and because I was so desperate to get out of the apartment I went with him to the Blue Mouse on 1st South and saw “In a Shallow Grave”. It was a strange movie but interesting about a disfigured World War II soldier entrusting another guy to deliver a love letter. Anyway he paid my way so can’t complain.
We talked briefly about Jeff Sewell and how Derek Streeter didn’t spend much time with Jeff this weekend. I think Steve is more jealous than he lets on about Jeff and Derek but I think it’s mostly over sex. I know he’s not in love with Jeff but cares more about his feelings than Derek does.
6 September 1988-Tuesday
Well it’s back to school and thank goodness it was an early out. After work I came home to rest before attending Unconditional Support. Eric Vaughn did a lesson on Communication Skills especially Listening Skills. We had about 30 people tonight. I was in kind of a weird head space tonight and not sure why. Eric did a good job for his first meeting. I didn’t go out for coffee but just went home to bed.
Tomorrow Mason Rankin is having a demonstration in front of the Federal Building to protests Orrin Hatch’s remarks about Democrats and homosexuals even though Mason is a Republican.
7 September 1988 Wednesday-
I am in the end of summer, no money and no lover doldrums. Gone are my little Gay family of John Reeves, Ken Francis, Jon Butler, Russ Lane, Mike Anderson, and Mike Howard all who I depended on for emotional support. Only Mark Lamar remains.
I feel like I am drifting anchorless with “no direction home”. Where is there a final port? Finding a lover is a goal but not the solution to finding value in my life’s work. Is my life of any value? Am I teaching these children anything that they will take with them for the rest of their lives?
And the Gay Community. What is that? Is all my efforts of any value> Everyone says “Thank you. Thank You. We love you for Unconditional Support, for the Community Dances, for Beyond Stonewall and yet I never get invited to parties of social gatherings and now no one drops by anymore. Where is everyone? Curtis Jensen, Garth Chamberlain, and Chris Brown are so young and I am too old for them to relate to me. Billy Bikowski can go to hell. God am I on the “pity pot” or what!
There was a rally at noon in front of the Wallace Bennett Federal Building on State Street and 1st South to protest Orin Hatch’s remarks about Democrats and homosexuals.
8 September 1988 Thursday
I am so tired right now. I am still in the doldrums. I went to Gay Fathers because I was bored being at home. I was hoping to meet some new people. Becky Moss was there talking to the group about Lesbian issues. Matt Wilson and John Bush are revitalizing the group.
The weather was finally cooler today at 85 degrees. Forest fires are still burning up Yellowstone and we are getting smoke all the way down here from them. I heard that the resort at Old Faithful burned down. Well Reagan’s anti-conservation cronies really did it this time. I remember when Reagan was governor of Californian, he allowed the lumber industry to chop down the oldest living Sequoia tree saying “if you’ve seen one tree you’ve seen them all. How many do you need to look at.” Reagan has a 20 year track record of being anti-ecology. Well my hands are clean because I have never voted for the bastard.
Mike Anderson called me this evening which was a pleasant surprise. Thumbing through my phone book I realized that I don’t have any close friends to call anymore. Just people I kind of know but not friends.
I am about ready to let my involvement in the Gay community go. Let someone else fight the fights. I’m tired. I need someone to curl up next to and fall asleep. I want someone with whom to share my life. Go to hell Billy Bikowski.
9 September 1988 Friday
After coming home from Sunset, I had a few messages on my answering machine. Allan Petersen wanted to go out tonight and said he’d come by to pick me up. We went into Bountiful to see where Eric Vaughn had moved because Allan is hooked on him.
We spent the night talking about Eric and Billy Bikowski which made me very melancholy.
There’s really nothing to write about still. I have such a gloomy attitude, like something bad is going to happen, like a premonition.
10 September 1988 Saturday-
The song Red Red Wine by UB40 is popular on the radio again and I hear it all the time which makes me so melancholy for Billy Bikowski because I used to sing it last year when ever I was drunk and upset over some slight he was always doing.
So I went down to the liquor store on 4th South and 2nd West and bought a bottle of wine and then called Mark Lamar up. I asked him if he wanted to walk with me down to the Deerhunter and he did. He met me on 2nd West and we walked down to KRCL because I wanted to check on some music for tomorrow’s taping. While we were walking, the other shoe dropped that I had had a premonition. He said he was moving back to Indiana for good in about two weeks. I started to cry. I knew this was going to happen. I sensed it.
I can’t explain how I feel why but it’s like everyone who knew me when I first came out of the closet and were there for my struggle to get where I am today are gone. Everyone that I have loved from then has left me or is leaving me. It feels akin to what very old people must feel when everyone they knew and love has died and they are all that is left.
11 September 1988 Sunday
I graded papers and stayed inside for most of the day. A cold front came through the valley and it has turned really chilly.
I finally was able to get a hold of the New Shakespearean Players who are performing the play Bent so Becky Moss and I could do a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL.
I have a low grade headache.
I would like to hold someone tonight.
12 September 1988 Monday
I came home from school and found that the IRS had put a fucking summons on my doorstep for me to appear the 26th of September regarding the back taxes they claim I owe. I was scaring myself because they can basically do anything they want to me.
Also the law office of Wall and Wall called and wanted me to come in tomorrow to see a judge about the divorce. I said I couldn’t on such short notice.
Allan Petersen dropped by for a while in the evening. He’s so love sick over Eric Vaughn. He said he’s angry at Billy Bikowski because yesterday at Affirmation, when Allan wanted to be alone with Eric, Billy kept butting in. Poor Allan.
I had a call from Dave Malmstrom who said he is working day shifts now so we can have our Beyond Stonewall meetings in the evenings. Good. Maybe he will also be able to come to Unconditional Support.
Randy Olson said that Lorraine from the YMCA said that John Reeves only signed the check for Camp Rogers without either having Mike Buck or I co sign it . So I need to get that straighten out immediately.
13 September 1988 Tuesday
Allan Petersen did his first Unconditional Support meeting on the topic of “Depression” We had a good turnout. Mike Anderson and so did Steve Barker with a new boyfriend. He tried to badger me into coming to Jeff Sewell’s birthday party this Friday but I said I was not going to be there. All Jeff cares about is Derek Sewell so if Derek is there it won’t matter who else might be there, certainly not me.
I went out to coffee after the meeting at Dee’s for just a little bit. The Salt Lake Men’s Choir was back at Dee’s in full force so the place was packed with us fags. I am sorry but I don’t like them very much. Too piss elegant for my tastes.
John Reeves called and said that he’s back in Boston staying with his son and daughter in law. He hadn’t found a teaching job yet but is working as a night security guard. He said that I might have to file bankruptcy to get some protection from the IRS.
14 September 1988 Wednesday
It was downright cool today but not as cold as yesterday when it finally rained a little. Susan McCoy picked me up at 6:45 this morning and I didn’t get home until 6:15 this evening.
Mr. Birrell asked if we would pick up some tickets for him at the Salt Palace for the Ice Capades. My class played his class today in P.E. and we won. No biggy but the kids were all excited because his class is suppose to be so tough.
Allan Peterson came over this evening to visit. He said he’s moving from Layton to Bountiful where he found an apartment. I think he’s moving just to be closer to Eric Vaughn because he is so in love with him.
15 September 1988 Thursday
Mark Lamar is giving up his apartment because he’s moving back to Indiana and wants to stay with me until next Wednesday. I didn’t go anywhere after coming home from school but just stayed home and watched television while grading papers. I gave three tests today and tomorrow is our 6th Grade Field Trip.
Mark brought over a pizza for supper and that was yummy.
No comments:
Post a Comment