Winter First Quarter Journal 1989 January-March President George Bush's 1st Term

 JANUARY

1 January 1989 Sunday

I woke up at 7:30 without a hangover to get ready to go to meeting. At 9:30 I walked up to 2^nd Ave and A Street to attend morning worship meeting at the Quaker Meeting House. Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen were there. Rocky wasn’t feeling well and was disappointed in his family because his mother said Robert wasn’t welcomed in her home. Her loss.

After the meeting I came back home after buying a 10 pound bag of cat food to feed some of the strays around the Juel Apartment. Billy Cat went out last night and has been gone now about 24 hours. I am worried about him. I wrote out my bills, about $500 worth. I paid off Montgomery Ward’s finally after 5 years.  Didn’t eat any flesh today but ate some sugar. I’ve tried to give that up for my head’s sake.

I called Mike Anderson because “Saturday Voyeur” ended yesterday but he said he has a job working at Voila. Later Jim Hunsaker dropped down from his apartment to use my phone and to visit. He had just gotten home from an all night New Year’s party.

Mike Pipkin dropped by in the evening and we watched TV together. We watched the Karen Carpenter Story. He’s working at Lamb’s Restaurant downtown and may put off going to Santa Fe for a while now. Mike brought about 2 six packs of beer over and he was pretty soused when he left at 10 pm.

Becky Moss never called about doing a show for Concerning Gays and Lesbians tonight and now that she has Jim Rieger she really doesn’t need me.

A guy named Ryan called me on the date line and we made a date for tomorrow. Happy New Years.

 

2 January 1989 Monday

I am sick with chills and deliriums.  I must have caught a flu bug. This morning I was fine but now, ugh.

 I got up at 6:30 to grade papers and to get ready to go back to  school tomorrow. I walked downtown to Weinstocks in the Crossroads Mall where I bought a silver chain for $20 to wear my crystal on.  Then I started feeling nauseous about 3:30 in the afternoon  and when this guy named Ryan, who wanting information about the community, came by at 5:30 in the late afternoon I was really getting the chills. We visited until 7:30 in the evening, talking about Gay issues and his bisexuality. I know he would have liked to have had sex but I was afraid he might catch my bug. By 7:30 I was so sick, I sent him on his way and I went straight to bed where I tossed and turned, aching and sore and nauseous. 

Jon Vrban, the sweet thing, called later and was concerned about me being sick. Chuck Whyte called too. I thought that if I died who would feed my cat?

I also thought how I need a will. I want Billy Bikowski to have my amethyst silver ring, my papers go to the Historical Society that Rocky and I are forming, genealogy to Mom and Dad or to my sister Donna and everything else to my ex-wife Fran to dispose as she chooses. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow but I have to because all my manuals, grade books, and lesson plans are at home.

 

3 January 1989-

I got up at 6 this morning and am still really, really weak but strong enough to drag myself in for a half day. It was good to see the kids but I was listless and felt like nodding off all day. Somehow I managed to get through the day and I was home by 4 this afternoon.

 I took a nap until 6 this evening and that really helped. At 6:30 I was down at the Crossroads Urban Center for Unconditional Support as my last official responsibility as director. We had a good turnout of about 20 people for our business meeting.  Elections took place and we elected Allan Peterson as the new director, Ray Von Nielson as Asst. Director and Darrell Webber as Secretary/Treasurer. I was asked to stay involved as activities coordinator and Randy Olsen was kept on as our representative to The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. Chris Brown from Lesbian and Gat Student Union attended the meeting. It was good to see him and Jon Butler.

Next Sunday the new officers will be coming over to my place for dinner and to discuss the transition of responsibilities. I gave Ray Neilson the key to open up the Crossroads Urban Center and all the Unconditional Support funds to Darryl Webber.  After the meeting I went home straight to bed. It pleases me that Unconditional Support will continue without my leadership. We did good. Oh yes I have to plan a Valentine’s dance for February.

 

4 January 1989 Wednesday-

I haven’t eaten flesh since last Saturday and I feel better. I have cut down on sugar too. I am feeling so much better . Almost human again.

At school spent all the morning planning a hall bulletin board . It was our class’s turn so I put the words “It’s a Small World” and I had my students do drawings of children in their native countries costumes around the world. 

I heard that my student Jeremiah Kite may be leaving my class.  A mixed blessing as he is so much trouble.

Anyhow I was home by 4:30  and spent a while straighten up the apartment. Billy Cat has been gone almost 48 hours and I am getting really worried. When he does come home again, he’s not going out for the rest of the winter. Its cat litter city for me but I don’t want to go through the worry again. I’ve grown so fond of that cat. It will really hurt me if something has happened to him.

In the evening this guy from the date line came over. We had oral sex but he couldn’t stay hard so eventually we gave up. It happens sometimes. Something wasn’t clicking I suppose.

A Big storm  is supposed to come in tomorrow night. Snow, blizzards, the works. John

Reeves called me from Boston. He said he got a nice letter from Justin Webber  who attended Beyond Stonewall last summer.  Also said he’s fallen in love with the Boston area. I knew he would.

Ray Nielson called and said he got the key officially transferred into his name. He also said that he was satisfied being the Assistant Director.

Satu Servigna dropped by with a stack of Triangle Magazines she asked me to distribute. I told her I wanted to start writing for the magazine again. She said great. I need to write a news release about the new leadership of Unconditional Support.

 

5 January 1989-Thursday-

My cat Billy finally came home this morning and I locked him in the bathroom when I went off to work. He was so exhausted he mainly just slept anyway.

At school today I met with Jeremiah Kite’s father who wants custody of him and most likely will be transferring him to another school in Ogden but he just wanted my input on how it may affect Jeremiah. I recommended that he go to his new school even though I really would miss him but he’s such a challenge.

Anyway, I am feeling much, much better since my bout with the flu. There seems to be two types of bugs going around; the flu and a bug that causes sore throats and runny noses. I haven’t gotten that one, yet.

Getting ready for the community council tonight, I discovered that I don’t have any more blank checks at all in the house. So I called Randy Olson up and asked he’d write a check for Unconditional Support’s membership dues tonight and then take me up to my bank and I’d give him cash. He said “Well we could do that but why don’t you just write a check off your deposit slip?”  I said, “I guess I could do that” and then cut off the conversation and hung up.

 I was so fucking mad. He’s totally worthless as a friend and unreliable. I’m cutting my relationship off with him entirely.

Jim Hunsaker wasn’t home by 6:30 to take me to council so I started walking down Sixth East to the Metropolitan Community Church. I didn’t have time to take a bus to my bank, pull money out, and then make it to the meeting by 7 pm. However on the way down Jim Hunsaker stopped and gave me a ride the rest of the way.

Shit! I was elected secretary-treasurer of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah tonight. The reason I was elected was that Chuck Whyte who originally said he wanted the office changed his plans. Curtis Jensen had agreed to run for vice chair and Chuck Whyte for Secretary/Treasurer. However before the meeting Chuck asked if I would nominate him for Vice Chair and not caring I said sure. Well he was elected over Curtis and Curtis said he would not accept the secretary-treasurer position.

 So Val Mansfield was nominated but he said he would not accept the nomination unless someone else agreed to run also. So about five other people were asked and they declined so Bruce Barton nominated me saying it would be a natural position for someone from the Historical Society.

Well I am a girl that just can’t say no especially in service to the Gay community so I accepted the nomination and was elected. The new chair of the council was an even bigger surprise but I think ultimately a good choice. I would not be honest if I did not say that the position was almost thrust upon him, but Neil Hoyt will be a good chair. He will have to grow some and get over the fact that he can’t make everyone happy. If he tries to do that he’ll be mediocre. Chuck Whyte will have to be on a tight lease. He’s somewhat scattered but when he’s focused no one works as hard as he does.

 

6 January 1989 Friday

After work I went to the bank to get some more checks made and then I went up to the sauna in the Heath, Physical Education and Recreational  Building, at the University of Utah, It felt really good. I didn’t get home until about 7:30 and then watched a little TV. I cleaned the apartment some and went to bed about 10:00. I needed the rest after a busy, hectic week.

 

7 January 1989 Saturday

Today is Fran and my 12^th wedding anniversary.  In the day I cleaned my apartment, graded papers, and did several loads of wash. About two in the afternoon Jim Hunsaker came down and said he was going up to the HPER building and wanted to know if I wanted a ride. So I went with him up there and read the paper while soaking in the sauna. 

There was a small article on mandatory reporting of AIDS testing.  I decided to respond to it.

Coming home from the sauna I took a bus to Smith’s Grocery store on 9^th East and 8^th South and bought some groceries for tomorrow’s dinner. I am having the new officers of Unconditional Support over.

I decided I wanted to see a movie tonight because there was nothing but sport on TV. So I took a bus down 7^th East to 9^th South and walked over to the Tower Theater. I saw “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” again and “High Spirits” which was a mediocre movie with no direction. The movies were out at Ten thirty and snow was falling. I was covered with snow by the time I trekked home. It was peaceful and quiet walking through the snow. I think I was still missing Billy Bikowski and wondering if he’s home from New Hampshire yet. It was nearly midnight when I went to bed.

 

8 January 1989-Sunday

  Yesterday, while at 9th and 9^th, I went to Cahoots and bought a birthday card for John Cunningham and dad. Tomorrow is John's 38th birthday.

I didn't go to my Quaker Meeting this morning. It was too cold to walk and I had a lot to do. I wrote a letter to the editor about the mandatory reporting article but the real mind blower was my meeting with Christy Bradley.

At 2 in the afternoon I walked over to Dee’s on 4^th South to meet with Matt Wilson and Christy Bradley. Matt had set up the meeting between Christy and Rocky O’Donovan and myself to talk about some serious allegation Bradley was making against  Mormon Church leaders. Robert Erichssen and Dan Fahndrich were also at the meeting with Christy but when Dan heard what we were there for, he split before he got into some heavy duty shit.  Basically Christy Bradley turned to us for help because she knew Rocky had contacts in Utah Valley that could help her.

This is her story. Christy is a 43 year old woman who use to act as a prostitute “call girl” out of the Hotel Utah from the late 60’s to the early 1980’s; serving Mormon officials there. She was an “outlaw” meaning she worked for herself and not an agency however she said that the Angel Escort Service use to service clientele there also.

The clientele that she was speaking of included men such as Gordon B. Hinckley. Amazingly she substantiated a lot of the same things that Charles Van Dam alleged about Hinckley having attended sex parties, and all the prostitution and other activities that were going on in the Hotel Utah. She basically considered the Hotel Utah the Mormon Church’s private cat house.

 All this would be vaguely shocking but mostly amusing except for the claim that certain Mormon officials participated in a child pornography and prostitution ring here in Salt Lake City. She claimed that they are dealing in child selling abroad. Watching this fairly normal pleasant looking woman make all these accusations was all the more wild and common sense to me to reject them. However I imagine that if I’d lived in Nazi Germany in 1944 and someone secretly told me that my former Jewish neighbors down the street were being made into soap and lampshades, I would have thought it just as absurd. In fact my head doesn’t comprehend most of what I heard tonight.

Christy said about four years ago in 1985, she befriended a 12 year old male prostitute named “Billy” who was working out of the Hotel Utah. He was this Mormon Official’s, named Elder Taylor, play thing. From Billy, Christy and another call girl discovered a whole ring of child prostitution going on at the hotel and more disturbing they were white slaving these children into international markets.

Accordingly, these women befriended Billy and tried to get Billy out of there but the money was too good and because he was hooked on drugs, he would stop. He supplied his habit by hooking for Mormon Church officials.

However about two years ago while trying to get Billy out of Utah, Christy and Billy were attacked by “transients” over at Pioneer Park.  Billy was stabbed to death and Christy barely escaped. She is convinced that  transients were paid by Church Security to cover their tracks. She has been running scared ever since and has been trying to find ways to get out of the state since she has a little girl now.

However, in a very bizarre way she knows she is relatively safe while she is here in Utah because no one, absolutely no one, would believe such a wild story. I believe that she is really scared and that she told me similar things that Charles Van Dam repeated to me last November before he died.

I never told her about Van Dam. I cannot believe that these two people are insane or pathological liars. Something is going on.

Christy Bradley also said that the old ward house on 9^th  West and 4^th South use to be a warehouse for these children being brought into the state before being shipped out for a child pornography ring. She said that Gordon B. Hinckley knows about it but is not involved in it. She said that Hinckley believes that he is like God and can do anything he wants. I thought that’s Joseph Smith’s Church of the First Born talking. These Mormon big shots think they are Kings and Priests of God therefore can do no wrong as long as they don’t deny the Holy Ghost.

Joseph Smith took other men’s wives, property, set himself up above the laws of the land, and ordered people assassinated and he is the role model that all Mormon men want to emulate.

I also keep thinking why does Gordon B. Hinckley’s name keep coming up? He’s relatively a no body. What is going on here?

Rocky knows Sandra and Jerrold Tanner very well and he is going to meet with them and see if they know anything and at least give them my Charles Van Dam’s tapes. He will see if they, using their network, can help Christy get out of Utah.

Later while talking to Becky Moss about this mess she said that this Allan Hadfield’s child molestation ring out of Lehi, Utah also has far reaching consequences and that perhaps his leniency in his sentencing may be traced to his connections with being Mormon. She also said she heard that his wife is a Lesbian.

 

9 January 1989 Monday-

Today is John Cunningham's 38th birthday. I mailed off both him and dad a birthday card.

I didn't feel well at work. In fact my left nut was so sore that I think I must have an infection of some type. I made a lesson plan for a substitute teacher tomorrow and decided to go to the VD clinic. Who knows maybe I have some STD.

In the evening watched ALF and went to bed early and am still reeling from the conversation I had with Christy Bradley.

 

10 January 1989-Tuesday

I called in sick this morning and tried to get a lot accomplished. I made reservations at the Central City Community Center to hold a Valentine’s Dance on the 11^th.of February. I also sent away for a registration form for the National Teacher’s examination. The test is on March 4^th. I had some applications from New Mexico sent up also.

When I went to the P.O Box downtown, some Bank Statements were in for Beyond Stonewall. We have about $500 in our account. I button-holed Neil Hoyt into being a promotion chair but still I haven’t found anyone to fill the role of publicist.

Anyhow, I had a nice haircut and beard trim today at the $3 hair cut place on 7^th East. I mean a real short and stand up all by itself cut. Mt first reaction was My Gawd What have I wrought? But it grows on you and I like it.

Well the VD clinic wasn’t open today but are opened tomorrow until six so I guess I will go get checked out tomorrow. The next trick is to decide whether to get my first AIDS test or not. I will make that decision tomorrow.

It began to snow about three this afternoon  and has been snowing for the rest of the day. I went up to the Heath, Physical Education and Recreational  Building, HPER to sit in the sauna. It felt wonderful.

Coming down from the University I got ready for Unconditional Support. It felt great not having to bring refreshments, bags of cups, and opening questions to break the ice. Tonight’s meeting was led by Ray Nielson and he did a good job for his first time.

The snow kept a lot of people away I think because only about 15 people showed up. We watched a video on the AIDS Quilt called “Remember My Name” It was quite moving especially when this father implored other parents to be there for their children with AIDS. He said don’t be afraid just grab them and love them because you never know when it will be the last time you hold them in your arms. I know that is why I can’t keep my hands off Billy Bikowski because who knows when it will be the last time I will get to hold that man in my arms.

Jon Vrban called in the evening to see how I was feeling. I told him I was going to the VD clinic tomorrow and will let him know the results as soon as I get them.

Ben Barr returned my call. I called him to asked him for a list of non Mormon Gay Lawyers. Yesterday Kevin McCloskey said that I should retain a lawyer with a will stating that certain tapes and my journals will go to certain individuals upon my demise. I said if I did disappear all of a sudden and am found murdered it would because I got involved in something evil. I didn’t want him to know which one I chose if my phone is being tapped.

Ben gave me some good advice about my tape recordings of Charles Van Dam’s recollections. He suggested that I make copies of my tape and send it to each member of the 12 Mormon Apostles and let them clean up their own house if there are only a few rotten apples. Ben said send the tapes and just sit back and watch. I agree and so I’ve been making copies like crazy. I’ve already given several away. I am sending one to Theresa Watanabe of the San Jose Mercury News and one to the Tanners of Lighthouse Ministries.

Additional Material

·         “Remember My Name” A play based on the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt by David Lemos

 

11 January 1989 Wednesday

I went back to work today but still am feeling blah. I was awake most of the night breaking small fevers. I was glad to be back at school. I got teased a little about my hair but some of the kids really liked it. This is Jeremiah Kite’s last week. I have really mixed feelings about that boy.

Anyway after school, Susan McCoy dropped me off at the VD Clinic on 6^th South and 2^nd East. I decided to go ahead and get an AIDS test as well as a VD check. I thought I really ought to because ignorance is not bliss in this case. It cost $10 for both tests.

A woman health worker examined me. I’m not a sexist but I would have been much more comfortable with a man feeling my penis, scrotum, and looking up my ass.

 I had blood drawn for an AIDS test as well as for syphilis. Dabbing my urethra for a culture stung like hell and since she didn’t get a good sample she had to do it again. Boy did it burn. I said, “Well if you’re gonna play you have to pay.”

I won’t get the VD results until nest Wednesday and a week after that for the AIDS results. I am a little apprehensive but not really.  I guess I am pretty fatalistic. What will be, will be. I’m not afraid to stand before my God. In fact I look forward to the great day. But right here and now, my left nut aches and my dick stings and I am missing Billy Bikowski.

 

12 January 1989 Thursday-

Not a bad day at work except when Jeremiah Kite mouthed off at me and  I hauled his butt down to the office. I called his step-mom to come pick him up. Tomorrow is his last day and he thinks he’s invincible.

In the evening I didn’t do much. I straightened up the apartment, did some dishes, and read from Adelle Davis’ book, “Let’s Get Well and Eat Right.” I want to build up my health and lose some weight. I’m going to stop eating hydrogenated fats, anything cooked in coconut or palm oil. I need to start eating more brewer yeast powder, skim milk, cottage cheeses, peanut butter, safflower oil, lecithin, molasses, bananas, apples, corn, peas, lima beans, yams, squashes, spinach, and yogurt.

And even though I want to be a vegetarian, I’m going to eat fish liver oil, and eggs occasionally. I want to stay away from meat. I think it breeds cancer.

I’m going to reduce my intake of sucrose in the form of refined white sugar, and white flour. Every morning I am going to start drinking my “pep me up” drink and not eat after 6 in the evening as a rule.

I was in bed by ten. Jim Hunsaker, Garth Chamberlain, Chris Brown, and Curtis Jensen are going down to Phoenix this weekend for a planning meeting of the Desert and Mountain States Conference.

Chuck Whyte wants me to write an article for the Triangle on the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. I am going to meet him at four tomorrow to make an ad for the dance in February.

I’m also going to write a history column on Michelangelo.

What else? Kevin McCloskey called to say that he is friends with Paul Van Dam, Attorney General of Utah and cousin to Charles Van Dam. He said if anything happens to me he would discuss what I told Kevin with Van Dam. Jim Hunsaker wants me to feed his fish for this weekend while hes gone.

Additional Material

·         Adelle Davis (25 February 1904 – 31 May 1974) was an American author and nutritionist, considered "the most famous nutritionist in the early to mid-20th century."

 

13 January 1989 Friday

I am so caught up in my own little world that I forgot that the tenth of this month was the tenth anniversary of Grandma Williams’ death. I really miss her still. I’m not very good with departures.

Today wasn’t Jeremiah Kites’ last day after all. His mother wants him to finish out the term so he’ll be here until the end of next week. I had the class make cards for him to give as a surprise going away party next Thursday. His father however took him out of school today. I didn’t much like my kids today. So glad we have a three day weekend.

 After school was out, Susan McCoy dropped me off downtown and I walked home. I am still trying to walk a mile a day. I went up to the HPER Building  and sat in the sauna.  It felt really good.

I missed my bus afterwards so I walked down off campus. I got a lot of walking done today. I cleaned the apartment a little bit but really didn’t do much else. I was in bed by nine thirty.

 

14 January 1989 Saturday

I didn’t get up until nine this morning so I must have caught up on some much needed sleep. Later in the morning I caught a bus downtown and walked over to the post office. I then caught another bus out to Fashion Place Mal where I bought two pull over sweaters and two belts at the Sears there. I think I’m finally shopped out.

Later in the afternoon, I went back to the sauna at the HPER building. I was really horny and afterwards I went over to Orson Spencer Hall. I hadn’t been there in months. I met someone there and we had sex and I was then able to get on with the rest of the day.

I went shopping at Smith’s Food King at 8^th and 9^th and bought a lot of health food items. I always get “religion” after reading Adelle Davis. I haven’t had meat in over two weeks and now it’s time to concentrate on ridding sugar from my diet too. 

I saw my letter to the editor in the Salt Lake Tribune today. That was kind of fun. I have never been published in a newspaper before.

 In the evening I mostly watched TV because I was rather lethargic. Probably tired from walking home from the University again.

Additional Material

·         ORDER OF THE HOLY CROSS NUNS FIND LOVE HELPS AIDS PATIENTS COPE  By Hilary Israelsen, Associated Press  Sister Linda Bellemore does not wear a habit. But next to the insignia identifying her as a member of the Order of the Holy Cross, she wears a button that reads "Heal AIDS with love." Because of her work with people with AIDS, she is known among friends as "the AIDS nun" and along with Sister Joan Steadman, handles the needs of AIDS patients once they leave Holy Cross Hospital." The program was started because we saw a need here that no other organization was addressing," she said. Sister Linda said the Order of the Holy Cross in Utah goes back to 1875 when Mormon leader Brigham Young asked the organization to come to Utah to help care for miners who were sick and needed medical attention. Helping in areas that other organizations are not addressing is what the Order of the Holy Cross is all about. The program at Holy Cross Hospital is designed to help patients deal with the disease once they leave the hospital. While all area hospitals handle people with AIDS, Sister Linda said Holy Cross seems to get the majority of AIDS patients at some time in their treatment because Dr. Kristin Reis, who treats many of them, admits all of her patients there. The program started nearly one and a half years ago with Sister Linda. Sister Joan came on board last August to help with the education part of the work. Sister Joan has background as a health educator and offers instruction in the ethics of the disease as well as the transmission of the disease. Sister Linda has been a registered nurse, but now works with the pastoral care staff as well as the health care staff in her work with people with AIDS. "Caring for people with AIDS is a blessing and a challenge both, " she said. The people they work with are young and not used to being sick. Many times they are not aware of the resources available to help them and don't know where to turn. When a person with AIDS is admitted to Holy Cross, one of the sisters visits him or her and offers help. When victims are released, the sisters make sure they are taken care of at home. "We think people with AIDS that are in a caring environment do better than those who are not," Sister Joan said. Both agree that the most effective technique for AIDS patients is so-called "hug therapy," along with spiritual comfort. "Very few of the people we work with are Catholics," Sister Linda said, "we encourage people to discover what the real meaning of life is to them, whether or not that includes religion." But, she added, many of them choose to invest in a "divine insurance policy." The sisters do whatever people with AIDS need them to do, they have taken them shopping for groceries and to doctor's appointments besides checking on them at home.

 

15 January 1989 Sunday

I am coming down with a cold. Everyone seems to have it. Perhaps I can shake it off staying in tomorrow.

I went to my Quaker Meeting this morning. The walk was refreshing and yet tiresome. Serenity comes from surrendering to the will of God. Thy will be done.

I saw Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen at the meeting. Rocky said that Christy Bradley is sick and the meeting with her for today is called off.

I was home the rest of the day, graded papers and figured up Quarter Grades for the kids until Rocky came over and we went up to Affirmation. The only reason I went was hoping to see Billy Bikowski. He wasn’t there, until the meeting was nearly over.  I was speaking to some guys when he came in and I lost my train of thought as soon as I saw him. Immediately I realized it was a mistake to have come.

I have so completely and thoroughly outgrown Affirmation. So has Rocky and Robert. I see some faces that seem stuck, neither able to go back or go forward.

After the meeting I kept my distance from Billy and yet he came over and gave me a hug. I did not hug him back. I don’t want to care about him anymore. I did ask him about his Christmas at home in New Hampshire. He said something about his mother but I wasn’t listening, just looking at him. I was too involved in my own emotions to listen.

My head finally won out over my heart and I managed to keep a polite distance. He went with others to coffee at Denny’s on 5^th South but I went home to grade papers. Billy, you fucking bastard. You don’t know what hold you have on me. God grant me the courage to let Billy go out of my life. Into your care I commend my love for Billy.

Rocky and I have a meeting this Wednesday about the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society at six in the evening.

 

16 January 1989 Monday-

It’s  Martin Luther King Jr. holiday and I’ve been fighting a cold all day. Vitamins are working wonders.

I had a Beyond Stonewall Meeting with John Bush. Things to do lest I forget. Call Rob Moore and Jim Rieger to ask if they would be publicity chairs. Call Dave Malmstrom about the Delta Institute and call the YMCA about meeting with the camp director for February. John Bush also wants to write a charter for the Delta Institute.

I spent most of the morning going through my grade book figuring up grades on my calculator. What a chore that was. Other than that I didn’t do a hell of a lot. I went outside only once to empty some trash but otherwise I didn’t venture out at all. I just stayed warm and snuggly this wintry day.

I heard a song on the radio that made me cry over Billy Bikowski. It really surprised me that I am still crying over him. Why do I miss him so much? He’s a geek. He just didn’t really know what he had in me.

Anyhow I called Dave Malmstrom in the evening about the Delta Institute. John Bush and I have decided to form a corporation called the Delta Institute as an umbrella for all the groups I am involved with so we can have just one non-profit status. I picked the name Delta Institute because Delta is the Greek symbol for a triangle.

Dave Malmstrom and I talked for about an hour about his being an officer in The Delta Institute, Gay Activities and the community dances. I let him know that Unconditional Support would be going alone this year because I didn’t want to deal with the leaders of Lesbian and Gay Student Union and Affirmation this year. I am tired of the bickering and lack of follow up. Dave understood but was concerned that the dances would become exclusively for Unconditional Support people. I said not at all. They still will be community dances. Dave agreed to become an officer of The Delta Institute so we can incorporate.

 

17 January 1989 Tuesday

Back to school after a nice holiday. I am glad it was a short day however. I spent some time filling out forms for take the National Teachers Exam in preparation for moving to New Mexico.

 I went to Unconditional Support this evening a little reticent thinking that Billy might show but he didn’t.  Allan Peterson led the meeting mostly discussing what people wanted to see happen in Unconditional Support this year.

 I met a fellow named Bryan who was back from being in Washington DC. He was kind of interesting. The most exciting news I heard was that there’s going to be another March on Washington this October. I am so excited about the possibility of going again. If I am alive I will be there.

I went out to coffee after the meeting to Dee’s. It was the first time in a long time. It was kind of nice being out with my tribe.

 

18 January 1989 Wednesday

School was a little different today. I held a “Read-A-Thon” for my students. They could bring soda pop and candy and sit anywhere they liked after the last recess until the end of the day. Most laid on the floor with blankets and quietly read. Of course, Justin, Broady, and Darren had to be censored for thinking it was a “gab-a-thon”.  

We had a staff meeting right after school. Both Susan McCoy and I think it’s funny how the principal Jack Olearain always stands behind me and rests his hand on my shoulder. Would he if he knew I was queer?

After riding home with Susan, I called the VD clinic to find out my results. I am clean. No gonorrhea, syphilis, or Chlamydia. I have to wait until next Wednesday for my HIV results.

I went to Smith’s at 8^th and 9^th East to get some cat food, cookies for tomorrow’s class party, and a video just in case Denise doesn’t come through with "The Incredible Journey".

Anyway I bumped into Mike Anderson at the store and even though I was in an extreme hurry to catch the bus to be back home by six, we visited some. He said he may be moving to San Francisco with Dave Kendall. That will be great for him.

 John Bush called this evening to say that Guy Larson has accepted the position of hospitality chair for Beyond Stonewall. I told John that I had called Dave Malmstrom and he accepted being part of the Delta Institute.  I need to talk to Jim Hunsaker about a making a community calendar for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council.

Anyhow John Bush wants me to find out more about the March on Washington and have the Delta Institute coordinate the effort in Utah. I said what a wonderful idea that was.

Jon Vrban called to visit also. That was nice of him and I would like to get together with him soon.

 

19 January 1989 Thursday-

 Today is dad’s 64^th birthday. He’s really starting to get up there. I hope when I am 64, I am just in my intellectual prime and ready to write and compose and do all the things I don’t know how to do now.

Today was Jeremiah Kite’s last day and we threw him a going away party. It was nice and the kids got wild but it was also the last day of the term. The kids have another three day weekend for it’s a Career Ladder Day for us teachers.

After school came home and tried straightening up the place some. I had to take the bus down to 8^th and 9^th to return the video I rented yesterday. I walked over from there to the Metropolitan Community Church on 6^th East where I had a Gay and Lesbian Community Council transitional meeting for transferring the offices from Jim Hunsaker, Reina Horton, and Bruce Barton to Neil Hoyt, Chuck Whyte, and myself. Only Reina Horton from the Youth Group did not show up for the meeting.

 

20 January 1989 Friday-

I went to work with Susan McCoy at eight thirty this morning. It was quite foggy all the way into Sunset. Because today was Career Ladder Day, the kids have it off so teachers can do grades at the end of the term. Since I had most of my grades figured out from last weekend, I mainly just spent the time rearranging my classroom and putting up new bulletin boards.

I was home by four thirty in the afternoon and then took a bus up to the University of Utah to sit in the sauna and cruised Orson Spenser Hall a little. I must be really horny or something. I spent most of President Bush’s inauguration day trying to get laid. No luck at OSH, so in the evening I went downtown, even as cold as it was, and went to the Magazine Store on Main Street to cruise. Then I walked over to Radio City on State and there I thought I’m not that desperate so I caught the last bus back home. I was in bed by midnight.

I had forgotten that tomorrow is the Quaker Mid-Winter Gathering and I’m supposed to be there at nine in the morning. Before going to bed I put my name on the date line. I was so desperate. Gawd.

Well we got a new president- Barbara Bush. ha!  The Ronald Reagan Administration ended with President George Walker Bush CIA assuming the mantel of Reagnonmics.

 

21 January 1989-Saturday

The Mid Winter Meeting for the Society of Friends (Quakers) began today at nine this morning. The meeting was held at the Methodist Church on 2^nd South and 3rd East.  Rocky O’Donovan and I helped Pat Sexton make lunch and there was perhaps one hundred people there all together. At three thirty, Allen Stokes of Logan led a meeting on the Quaker Role in the Gay Civil Rights Movement. It was good to be with open minded individuals.

Additional Material

·         PRELIMINARY HEARING SET IN KILLING Two men accused of killing a Southern Utah State College student north of Cove Fort, Millard County, are scheduled to appear in the East Millard Justice of the Peace Court for a preliminary hearing Jan. 24. Michael Anthony Archuleta, 26, and Lance Conway Wood, 20, are being held in the Millard County jail without bail, charged with kidnapping and killing Gordon Ray Church, 28. Officers found the victim's body Nov. 23, 1988. They were led to the scene by Wood, who, according to an affidavit, claimed he witnessed the murder and that it was committed by Archuleta. At the time of the arrests, Justice of the Peace Ron Hare issued a gag order, preventing law enforcement and court officers from releasing information about the case. Details of the crime were revealed through an affidavit made public Dec. 9, however. The information was based on an interview with Wood by Iron County Attorney Scott Burns. Hare set two days for the hearing but ordered it closed to the public. Reporters have complained about the closure and are trying to get the hearing opened. They are scheduled to argue their case Jan. 25, but that is the day after the hearing will begin.

 

22 January 1989 Sunday-

I didn’t venture out of my apartment today except to buy a Sunday paper and do some radio programs at KRCL. Jim Rieger and I did three programs for Concerning Gays and Lesbians so we don’t; have to come back for two weeks. The first program was an interview with Garth Chamberlain, an officer of Lesbian and Gay Student Union for the first half and the second half we promoted The Gay Historical Society.

The 2^nd program was a long interview with Donald Steward about the Names Project coming to Utah in March. Don Steward is the media coordinator for the event.

The 3^rd program, which will air on Valentine’s Day, we talked about VD and STDs. I talked about my own personal experience with going to the Salt Lake Health Clinic and what people could expect there. 

Anyway I was home by ten at night and wanting to go to bed when Jon Vrban called and wanted to come over. I was still horny so I said sure come over.  We hadn’t made love in a couple of weeks. I told him about the radio programs and he said he didn’t know that I did them. He smiled and said, “So my lover is a celebrity.” That surprised me. I never thought of Jon as my lover, just a fuck buddy, but it really pleased me inside to hear him refer to me as such. No one had ever called me his “lover” before.

 

23 January 1989 Monday

Back to school again. I was glad that it was a short day. I didn't miss Jeremiah like I thought I would. Instead I am glad he's gone.

In the late afternoon at five thirty I was at the Crossroads Urban Center with Chuck Whyte trying and figure out the mess we inherited from Bruce Barton. The Membership records, financial records, and minutes were in every state of disarray.  All jumbled up. We finally managed to separate them into 3 categories-Membership, financial, and minutes. We worked for two hours and Chuck really helped a lot.  I wouldn’t have been motivated to do them by myself.

Anyhow I was home by seven thirty and watched a little TV and tried to do some work around my apartment.

Salvador Dali the artist died today.

Additional Material

·         $5,000 SOUGHT TO DISPLAY AIDS QUILT IN S.L. Associated Press Salt Lake City has been chosen as the first stop on the 1989 U.S.-Canadian tour of the NAMES Project quilt, a memorial to people who have died from AIDS, officials said. The giant quilt has 8,288 panels, weighs 16 tons and represents AIDS deaths in 50 states and 13 foreign countries. The Salt Lake AIDS Foundation and the People with AIDS Coalition of Utah are seeking $5,000 to sponsor the showing of576 panels, or 1/16th of the quilt, at the Salt Palace March 16-19.The organizations hope the display will illustrate the impact of the AIDS epidemic by personalizing the grim statistics. The tour is an effort to raise money and encourage support for people with AIDS and their loved ones. Ben Barr, AIDS Foundation director, said there have been 176 cases of AIDS reported in Utah. He said the quilt "provides a really safe, non-threatening way to educate kids about AIDS." Each panel has the name of a person who has died from AIDS and was sewn by friends and relatives of the deceased. David Sharpton, founder and a director of the AIDS Foundation, said the quilt is a source of strength. "For those of us who have AIDS, the quilt is a part of us," Sharpton says. "Reality is that one day there will be a panel with our names." Barr said Mayor Palmer DePaulis has pledged his support and the organizations will also be seeking private and corporate donations.

 

24 January 1989 Tuesday-

Ted Bundy, the serial killer, who attended the University of Utah was electrocuted today in Florida at the age of 42. I have been rather melancholy all day about thinking what a tragedy for everyone involved. Couldn’t they have studied him and perhaps found a causation for his addiction to murder?  Anyway it’s all over now. It chills me with the despicable cheering and party atmosphere in Florida at his death. Even Ted Bundy has God within according to Quakerism.

Anyhow I got through the day at work unscathed . After recess the playground attendant, Hannah, called me out into the hall to tell me about the misbehavior of some of the boys in my class. I thought what now? And she said that two boys in my class were grabbing at each other on the playground and by her embarrassed grin, I knew what she meant, their crotches.

 About this time, Mr. Birrell is marching five of his boys down to the principal office to have them call their parents and Hannah said they were involved also. I thought “Good God. Why don’t we just blow everything out of proportion?” If the boys would have been simply fighting, Mr. Birrell wouldn’t have dragged them down to the office. I told Hannah I would take care of it. It was Justin and Eric Rogers of course.

 I called them out into the hall and asked them what was going on. They both acted sheepishly until Eric volunteered that they were playing “Ball Tag.” I thought it was funny but didn’t let them know that. I said to them that they were old enough to know about sex and that they shouldn’t be grabbing each other’s nuts at school. I told them that certain behavior was not appropriate for the playground and then let the matter drop.

At Unconditional Support tonight I led the meeting on VD and HIV testing. It was a good meeting until Billy Bikowski showed up. I stumbled over my words until I could compose myself again. I hugged him during the group hug but then just ran off to be with others.

Eric Christensen was there with Scott Robinson and Jeff Wood was at the meeting too. I was telling them about the game of Ball Tag that my Sixth graders are playing and I grabbed Jeff’s crotch and said “You’re it”.

As an activity we went for the last performance at the art deco Center Theater on State Street and Broadway. After tonight the center theater will close its doors and be torn down. It was kind of a historic occasion.  I saw a little old lady weeping and another elderly gentleman dab his eye.

There weren’t very many people there for the last showing. We saw “Cocoon: The Return”. In our group were Jeff Wood, Eric Christensen, Scott Robinson, Kurt, Steve Oldroyd, Darrell Webber, and Rick Eden.  After the movie we walked about the old movie palace, looking and marveling at the art deco motif’s which be soon torn down and lot in time and space. 

Well the final curtain came down for the Centre Theater. Fran and I had our first date at the theater in December 1976. We saw a Woody Allen in the movie called The Front. I lost my neck muffler that night that I had had since my early days at BYU. 

Well nothing lasts forever not even my love for Billy or does it? Why does just seeing him walk into a room make my heart stumble and my mind relapse? It is like seeing a ghost; a beloved apparition that is all sound and fury signaling nothing.

Jon Vrban  called me right before I had left for Unconditional Support and wanted to come over for sex but I told him that while I’d love that, I have to lead a meeting and attend an activity tonight.

John Reeves called from Boston also. He is quite hopeful about finding work back there as a security guard.

Well what a day of closures. Ted Bundy’s life was extinguished this morning. I hope it brings peace to the families of the victims because it will not bring their daughters home. I’ll leave the fate of my cousin’s murderer in the hands of a more infinite wisdom than man’s.

 

25 January 1989 Wednesday

Well at work, we had our cholesterol levels checked and I guess being a vegetarian does pay off because mine is 140. Two hundred is considered dangerously high. That pleased me because almost everyone else was either high or hovering around two hundred. Mr. Birrell’s was 245. I also had my blood pressure checked but I can’t remember what it was but it was normal.

Someone stole $45 from Mrs. Johnson’s purse yesterday in the library. Oh brother. Mr. Olearain wanted me to search the boys who weren’t suspects but had volunteered to be searched. I just had them turn their pockets inside out and take off their shoes. I wasn’t about to frisk them.

Anyway after work, Susan McCoy dropped me off at the Health Clinic. I hadn’t really been concerned about my test results until I was sitting in the waiting room. Then I thought, “What if I am positive?” However thank Gawd the results were negative. I guess I am in better health than I thought. No STDs, no AIDS anti-bodies, and my cholesterol is 140. I also want to get in better shape but I’m grateful to the Lord for my health. 

Additional Material

·         JP DENIES DAILIES' PLEA TO LIFT GAG ORDER  A Millard County justice of the peace has denied a motion from two Salt Lake City newspapers to lift a gag order on a case against two men charged in the death of a Southern Utah State student. Justice of the Peace Ron Hare also held a preliminary hearing behind closed doors Tuesday. Michael Anthony Archuleta, 26, and Lance Conway Wood are charged with capital homicide, aggravated kidnapping, aggravated assault and auto theft in the beating death of Gordon Ray Church, 28, of Delta. Before the hearing began, Hare denied a motion by attorneys for The Salt Lake Tribune, Deseret News and Society of Professional Journalists to lift the order and allow the public into the hearing. Hare also denied a motion from the media to unseal the records in the case. The gag order was put into effect Nov. 25, the day the two suspects were charged in the beating death of Church, son of Delta City Councilman David Church. (DN)

 

26 January 1989 Thursday

I was tired this morning, and tomorrow Susan McCoy is calling in sick so I’ll have to take the bus back and forth between home and school. It’s an hour each way on the bus.

Eric Rogers called me an “asshole” after lunch. I dragged him down to the principal office and called his mother. Later I put his desk out in the hall. I’m not letting him back into my classroom until he apologizes.

Anyhow I stayed at work until five fifteen so didn’t get back into Salt Lake City until six this evening. I had Susan McCoy drop me off at Smith’s on 8^th and 9^th  East and while shopping someone said, “Long time, no see.” I turned around and am startled to see Billy.

My pulse started to race. He said “You need a shopping cart,” because my grocery basket was over flowing. I replied that I only get what I can carry on the bus.  He then asked me if I needed a ride. If it wouldn’t have been so damn awful cold out I would have said no but at fifteen degrees I said yes, hating myself for being so weak.

 I treated him like a casual acquaintance on the ride home. Only responding to his remarks and making polite conversation. He has an Econoline Van now. I thanked him for the ride but didn’t ask him to come in and he didn’t inquire about me at all. He doesn’t love me. Never did.

 

27 January 1989 Friday

I had to get up at five thirty this morning to catch the Ogden bus to Sunset. Susan McCoy my usual ride took a mental health break. I was at school by eight fifteen and it was a bitterly cold day. Mr. Birrell was also absent today so I was the only regular sixth grade teacher on duty. 

As soon as school was out at three in the afternoon, I grabbed the stuff Susan wanted me to take home for her and I was out the door to catch the bus to Salt Lake City. I didn’t get in until almost five this evening so it was a long day.

I later took another bus up to the University of Utah to sit in the sauna. I stayed on campus until nearly eight thirty, cruising Orson Spenser Hall a little bit too but there was no action.

When I arrived home Jon Vrban called and I had him come over because I was so horny. We fucked until about ten thirty at night and when he left I was asleep by eleven thirty at night.

 

28 January 1989 Saturday

I took the state street bus down to Midvale to pick up my glasses I ordered last month. They came finally. It’s great to be able to see clearly again.

I had to be back in town at one to meet this guy downtown who called me on the dateline. We went back to my apartment and it was awful. I will spare me the details. I finally just asked him to leave.

I did in the late afternoon go back up to the University of Utah to soak in the sauna, kind of to get clean of yuck. After I walked down from campus, I was barely home by six. On the way off campus I did run into Richard Hefner who was a past president of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union in 1987. He had to resign because of some mismanagement of the group. Oh Well.

I didn’t do much else today. It was too cold to go anywhere else so I stayed in for the rest of the evening and stayed up late watching TV and reading the article that John Reeves had sent me yesterday.

I am feeling so isolated here in Utah behind the Zion Curtain.  I have been weepy off and on today over Billy. Why?

 

29 January 1989 Sunday-

I walked to my Quaker Meeting which was at ten. The weather was crisp but not too frigid. The meeting was good.

Afterwards I went with Rocky O’Donovan for a walk and discussed the Historical Society meeting this week. I said I would bring the key to open up Crossroads Urban Center. We then walked over to the post office at Expo Mart to check the PO Box; but nada.

Rocky told me an interesting bit of gossip. Sometime last week he went down to Provo to meet with the executors of the estate of Charles Van Dam who also collects sex scandals stories involving General Authorities of the Mormon Church. Anyway, the story is that this Mormon Therapist named Al Claussen had some files on Eldred Smith which his wife had discovered after Claussen’s death.

These files were on various missionaries who had been referred to Claussen by the Mormon Church because they all had the same problem.  They all had had sex with Eldred G. Smith before going on their missions. While Smith was Patriarch of the Mormon Church he would spot cute missionaries and tell these young gullible boys that as Patriarch of the Church he had received certain ordinances which he wanted the new missionaries to have.

 After the “laying of hands” on these guys, they came back from these missions pretty screwed up and were sent to this Claussen who would discreetly work with these kids. It was getting to be such an embarrassment to other church leaders that finally Smith was forced into retirement and became the Patriarch Emeritus even though the position is supposedly hereditary and for life.

It was kind of funny since Eldred had replaced his cousin Joseph Fielding Smith who had been retired to Hawaii for his Gay escapades. The church now was searching high and low in the Smith family trying to find someone to fill the position of Patriarch but couldn’t find any who didn’t have homosexual proclivities. So the church felt it was safer to abolish the position of Patriarch of the Church which Joseph Smith had bestowed on the male heirs of his brother Hyrum Smith. Life behind the Zion Curtain.

I told Rocky that sometimes I think the Mormon Church is a cereal box type religion; nicely packaged but with too much sugar, little fiber, and plenty of additives to keep it from going stale.

Additional Material

·         JUDGE DELAYS RULING ON A TRIAL IN SLAYING OF SUSC STUDENT  By Dennis Romboy, Staff Writer  The prosecution has finished its arguments in a preliminary hearing for two men charged with murdering a Southern Utah State College student. But Millard County Justice of the Peace Ronald Hare will wait for defense attorneys to file motions before ruling whether enough evidence exists to try Lance Conway Wood, 20, or Michael Anthony Archuleta, 26, on charges of capital homicide in the brutal beating death of Gordon Ray Church, 28. A court clerk said the hearing, which began Tuesday and has been closed to the public and press, will not begin again for five to six weeks. "All the evidence has been presented and the court granted the defendants time to file motions and be briefed on those motions," said Marcus Taylor, Wood's attorney. Taylor would not disclose the nature of the motions. "I'd like to but I hesitate to discuss what I have in mind. I might get in trouble with the court. I have to follow the rules, too."  Hare refused to talk to the press about whether the motions could be made public. The judge closed the hearing, issued a gag order and sealed all court documents relating to the slaying. Church, 28, was found beaten to death Nov. 23 in the Dog Valley area about a half-mile south of exit 138 on I-15 near Fillmore. Evidence at the scene and other information indicate the killing was at least partially sex-related, said Millard County Sheriff Ed Phillips. Wood and Archuleta are being held in the Millard County Jail. In addition to first-degree murder, they face felony charges of aggravated assault, aggravated kidnapping and auto theft. Witnesses were called and physical evidence was presented in the three-day hearing. The court will now take the next several weeks to prepare the transcript. After copies are distributed to prosecutors and defense attorneys, the defense will have 10 days to file their motions. The state will then have 10 days to respond before Hare rules whether Archuleta and Wood should be tried for the alleged crimes. Taylor said he doesn't know if the motions will be made public after they are presented to the court. He said that would have to be clarified by the judge.

 

30 January 1989 Monday

Well back to work and I pulled Eric Rogers and his desk out of the hall and back into class. He wrote an apology. I guess that’s good enough for a twelve year old. However he did get in trouble later with Mrs. Marrietti who spotted him having some kid in a head lock.

I was home by four. Then I took a bus to Smith’s to buy a bus pass for February. It’s not that far away. Thank goodness.

I made some bran muffins this evening and watched ALF. Then I listened to some phone messages I had on tapes from my phone machine from the past two years. It was good to hear the familiar voices and conjure up old memories; even the painful ones from Billy. They don’t seem to hurt as much anymore. Time changes everything.

Jon Vrban came over about nine forty-five at night and we fucked for a while. It felt nice, however after he left I became sick to my stomach. I did a douche and tried to settle my stomach but it was upset until midnight. I must have caught a slight bug.

It’s going to be a long day tomorrow with such little sleep.

 I called mom yesterday and both mom and dad have colds. My niece Denise might join the National Guard.

 

31 January 1989 Tuesday

I am so glad to have this long cold dark month over. I really hate it. There’s been snow on the ground since Christmas Day’s big storm.

At Unconditional Support there was a fairly decent turn out. Darrell Webber led the meeting where the discussion developed around Gay dating. Brook Hallock and another woman were at the meeting tonight.  We don’t get very many Lesbians coming as a rule.  I think I’m the only romantic at Unconditional Support sometimes. Everyone talks about taking relationships slow. I’m sorry I can’t. I think of Andrew Marvell’s “Coy Mistress”

                                    Had we but world enough and time

                                    This coyness, lady were no crime

                                    But at my back I always hear

                                    Time’s winged chariot hurrying near

                                    The Grave’s a fine and private place

                                    But none, I think, do there embrace.

I said I felt like this is the time I am alive! Now is the time I want to hold someone and feel his body next to mine. I also continued to defend my position of metaphorically “knee dropping” guys who after three or four dates say “Let’s just be friends”. 

I am amazed at what so many people consider a date.  They think anybody they go out with, whether just friends, or girls, is a date. I thought only someone to whom you have romantic feelings constitutes a date with the expectation of something wonderful happening.  You don’t have that when you ask a buddy out.

FEBRUARY

1 February 1989-Wednesday

The first meeting of the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society was held at the Crossroads Urban Center at 7:00 this evening. In attendance were Robert Smith, Rocky O'Donovan, Neil Hoyt, Robert Erichssen, Grant Cheever, Brook Hallock, a woman friend of Rocky who chose to remain anonymous because of fear of retribution from the Church Archives, and Liza Smart who had given Rocky and Robert a ride. It was a nice turn out. 

Rocky O'Donovan was elected Director and Robert Erichssen was elected as Secretary. Everyone else in attendance agreed to be part of the first board of directors. Erick Meyers may be another officer when we vote again next month. 

Rocky gave an overview of the research he has been doing on early Gays and Lesbians in Utah History.  We set our next meeting for March 8^th.  Always the second Wednesday of the month.

Brook Hallock landed a bomb shell on me at the meeting.  She is convinced that Derek Streeter is a church spy what she calls a “duck”. She confronted him at Unconditional Supports last night at coffee. He just smiled and not denying it just asked “Why do you think that?”

My first reaction was that it’s not possible but after Brook made her case I was swayed. I too now think he’s probably a church plant. I am so honest and upfront with people that it’s not in my nature not to accept people at face value. I always thought him rather odd.

 

2 February 1989 Thursday-

A snow storm dumped over fifteen inches of snow over night and Davis District closed schools  so I didn’t have to go to work today. I spent a lot of the day up in the sauna at the University of Utah.

At The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah tonight I assumed the duties of Secretary/Treasurer. I did okay I guess.  It was a small meeting probably due to the snow that was dumped last night.

After Community Council Brook Hallock held a meeting for community leaders about the nature of informers who she called ducks. Brook Hallock was herself a duck in several conservative women’s group, infiltrating their meetings to gain access to their secret agendas.

Brook Hallock said there were three types of ducks. Decoy Ducks were Gays who were blackmailed or coerced into spying by governmental or religious organizations. “If you are truly repentant you will do this for us”, That sort of thing.   Ring Neck Ducks are paid Gay informers who do it for the money, and Mallard Ducks are actual Church Security or FBI or CIA plants.

Brook told me that she thought Derek Streeter was a Ring Neck doing it for the money and loyalty to the Mormon Church.  Her reasoning was that first Derek Streeter attends every Gay meeting and function there is. Secondly he’s been out of work by his own admission and yet drives a new car, has a nice apartment, and has money to take trips to national Gay conferences.

Thirdly Derek had worked for the Church for the last 15 months at the Missionary Training Center in Provo. Fourthly he does not break the word of Wisdom, still wears his garments, believes that the Mormon Church Leaders are inspired and that homosexuality is a sin.

Fifthly he is well known at the Mormon Archives where Rocky O’Donovan was banned and he had Christmas dinner with Brent Metcalf a known Church Security Spy. And Lastly Derek has been out for six months now and has not grown in Gay consciousness one iota.

Derek didn’t even protest or act shocked at Brook’s accusation when she confronted him. Whether he is a duck or not GLCCU probably need to be more careful about who has access to our membership list. Other then than I see no real reason to feel concern or we might be feeding into homophobia. I certainly don’t want to get hysterical. John Reeves called me before the meeting and I let him know about Derek.

Today would have been my cousin, Gregory Williams 27^th birthday had he not been murdered.

 

3 February 1989 Friday-

I went back to work today. I showed a movie “Willow” during the last half of the day as a “Gold Slip” activity that the class earned for good behavior.

 It was a cold nasty day. The arctic blast is beating down on us.

I just stayed in this evening because it was too, too cold. I listened to some cassette tapes of old phone conversations from 1986 and 87. Hearing Billy’s voice is so bitter sweet. But it seems whenever I think of him anymore it’s not the good times that I remember. They were too few. It’s only the bad and sad times that are my memories.

 John Reeves called me again from Boston to tell me about a conversation he had with Geoff McGrath recently. McGrath related how two boys from the Utah Valley’s Men’s Group were taking an Ethics class at BYU. The Instructor asked the class to write about an ethical dilemma they have had which would be held in strict confidence. These guys wrote that they were lovers and the Instructor turned them into BYU Standards Office. McGrath said that Derek Streeter and this professor were best of friends; just a thought.

 

4 February 1989- Saturday

I spoke to Dave Malmstrom most of the morning about Derek Streeter. Dave and Chuck Thomas have come to the conclusion that Derek is probably a plant. They had thoughts for a long time that either Derek or Lawrence might be church spies. Derek is always calling Dave for addresses and such.

Allan Gundry, the LDS Church’s so called liaison with the Gay Community is forming an EXODUS type group for Gay men who are trying to stop being Gay. He is the same man who lied to Dave Sharpton and Dave Malmstron about how the church was going to become accepting of Gay people. Dave said he’s very dissatisfied with Mormonism now. Well it’s a bullshit theology, based on greedy, elitist, racist, and sexist concepts.

I went up to the sauna this afternoon but got caught in another blizzard waiting for a bus. I had to stand for fifteen minutes out in the howling arctic wind which cut through me to the very marrow. It had been below zero.

When I got home and while thawing out, Darrell Webber dropped by to pick me up for an Unconditional Support officers meeting at his home in West Valley. I really didn’t want to go but I agreed as not to hurt his feelings. Allan Peterson and Ray Neilsen never showed up. It was kind of a wasted evening except for getting to know Darrell better.

I never got to go grocery shopping and I am out of cat food.

It’s still nasty weather outside. So, so cold like ten below zero at night and that’s not counting wind chill.

I came out of the closet three years ago.

Additional Material

·         The Phoenix Foundation later called Evergreen Foundation an organization founded to help Mormon men overcome the homosexuality.

 

5 February 1989 Sunday-

I didn’t go to Quaker Meeting this morning. It was just horrendously cold out; about ten degrees.

Jeff from Sandy called and wanted to get together for sex. So I cleaned up my apartment and he came over about one in the afternoon. He was a tall, lanky cowboy type originally from Coalville, Utah. He didn’t have much meat on him but what there was, was all dick.

 We hit it off so we ended up going to bed. We just fucked mainly. He brought his own condoms even though I had my own. That shows to me that he’s probably careful.

 He came pretty quickly but it was good while it lasted. We lain in bed and talked a little. He said he wanted to take me out dinner tonight and a movie. I was touched in a corny kind of way. It was a sweet gesture.

He wanted to go skiing so he left and he never called back which I didn’t really expect him to do. But it was a nice experience.

About three in the afternoon another man called me, named Scott. He also asked if he could come over and I said certainly. He was really gorgeous. Rugged brunette, nice frame, like skiers’. He didn’t have much hair on his chest.

Scott asked if he could take a shower and so I watched him strip. While in the shower he asked me to join him so I undressed and stepped in with him. I took some soap and sudsed up his ass and cock then his back. With lots of hot water streaming down on us, I gave him a blow job. I was spitting water but it was fine.

 When we got out of the shower we dried each other off and we applied lotion on each other. He had a raving hard on as I slipped a condom over his cock. It was large enough that it wasn’t easy to slide the condom over it.

Then he penetrated me and we had great sex, doggy style, legs over his shoulders, on my stomach, and draped over the bed. I finally ended up eating his taint and ass while he jacked off. It was a hot way to spend a cold, cold winter day.

After he left, I just watched TV for most of the rest of the evening.  I also called Jeff Swell who has been dating Derek Streeter to let him know what people will be saying about Derek.

I talked a lot with David Sharpton today and we discussed what people are saying about Derek Streeter and about trouble at the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. Dick Dotson who founded a food bank for the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation left the foundation along with Donald Steward who was the program director of the People With AIDS Foundation. Dave was the founder of the People With AIDS Coalition.

 Dave claimed that the SLAF was spending its resources inappropriately by hiring too large a staff, and not making adequate efforts to use the trained volunteers. David Sharpton and Ben Barr have had a stormy relationship for some time.

 

6 February 1989 Monday-

I called in sick today because I was just feeling a little blah from this nasty weather. It’s like twenty below zero at night. I’m glad I called in sick because Susan McCoy called and said her truck wouldn’t start due to the cold. She asked me how to get to school on the bus.

 I did up my bills today. I have about $150 to last me for the rest of the month, I think.

Mark Lamar called me this morning from Indiana. We chatted for a while and I guess he is finally getting used to being back home.

In the evening we had our first official Beyond Stonewall 89 meeting with all the committee chairs. All were in attendance, except for Neil Hoyt who was speaking at the Utah Valley Men’s Group. The heads of the committees were the following-Ben Williams Program Director, John Bush Registration and Finances, Guy Larson Hospitality, Dan Fahndrich Accommodations, Neil Hoyt Promotion, and Mike Anderson Publicity. We kicked around some wonderful ideas. Guy is going to have his staff be responsible for a group of cabins, placing candies, flowers, etc. in each cabin. Wonderful idea.

 

7 February 1989 Tuesday-

I had to take the bus this morning going back to work. Susan’s truck is still not working. It was a bitterly cold day thirteen below zero. I wore two coats to try and stay warm waiting for the bus.

Jon Vrban came over last night and we fucked until ten thirty so I was kind of spacey today. The kids were all cooped up not able to go outside so they were acting bratty.

 Susan McCoy said her husband Floyd was coming to pick her up this afternoon so I did get a ride home.

There I made some Valentine poster for the Unconditional Support dance this Saturday and for the school dance.

 At Unconditional Support,  there was a really different crowd turn out. There were a lot of men I didn’t know. Derek Streeter didn’t come and Ray Neilson held the meeting on organizational spies known as  “Ducks”.  At the very beginning I said “I don’t think any body’s name should be discussed here tonight.” It was a pretty good meeting and more upbeat and positive then Affirmation’s.

Billy Bikowski showed up at the beginning of the meeting. It made me a little disconcerted and distracted. After the meeting I purposely went out of my way to avoid hugging him or having to talk to him. I just tried to have fun with the others.

I said I was going to start a new organization called “Gays R Us” which would be on call and standby to help other Gays out in times of crises such as excommunication, legal spats, and etc. I was kind of spoofing but I do see some value there also.

I had to get home right after the meeting, mainly because I did not want to deal with Billy. I didn’t want my tears to freeze as I walked home.

Falling into bed I cried and cried. I am so lonesome for him. I miss our walks, our talks, his touch, his smile, his eyes that light up like no one else’s. I miss his stinky breath in the morning, seeing his bulge in his BVDs, holding his rough strong hands. Why do I still love him?

I saw Willy Marshall and Jon Butler at the meeting. It’s been three years this month that I first met Jon. He was one of the very first people I met at the Restoration Church. A lot of time has gone by since then; a lot of living in these three short years in the prime of my life.

 

8 February 1989 Wednesday-

Gawd what a day at work! I’m sure Patrick Stamps was on drugs today. Adam Shaffer mooned me after class and Darren Carabajal’s aunt caught him stealing. He was the one who stole the money from Mrs. Johnston’s purse and other things at school. I also found out my second evaluation is this week ugh!

 I had to get up at five thirty this morning to catch a ride at six thirty with Susan and Floyd. So it was a long day anyhow.

This evening I spent 3 hours from 6 to 9 typing up the minutes from the Gay Community Council from January and February with Chuck Whyte at the Crossroad Urban Center and mailing them out.

Michael Ortega, the director in charge of the Crossroads Urban Center  was there also and I kept coming on to him. He’s so hot. I am so glad to have the minutes done.

 

9 February 1989 Thursday

What a day I am having! Oy Vey! Eric Rogers was caught with cigarettes in his pocket. Did Jeremiah Kite keep all these jerks in line and now there’s a power vacuum?  On top of this I have an evaluation tomorrow in Social Science. Ugh! Who has time to think of that? Gawd!

 I spent most of the evening cutting out paper pictures and all that fun stuff to pull a lesson together for tomorrow.

Ray Neilsen dropped by. He said Allan Peterson is acting like a big baby. What’s under his craw?  I guess Ray made him mad by mentioning that it was Derek Streeter who nominated Allan for director at coffee last Tuesday.

Derek showed up at Dees but it was strange that Billy didn’t. Well I’m exhausted and am going to bed.

The weather is warming up. It’s twenty degrees. Well good night sweet prince. I’ve got to get a card off to Fran for her birthday that’s coming up,

 

10 February 1989-Friday-

I am so glad to see this week end. I had to do my evaluation today. I had so much going on that I really didn’t care. It’s been such a bitch of a week. I took the Valentine posters home for the dance tomorrow.  When I came home I called the Central City Community Center to make sure all was okay for the dance. Then I went up to the University of Utah to sit in the sauna. It snowed lightly. I also cruised Orson Spencer Hall a little. No activity to speak of.

 

11 February 1989 Saturday-

Bizarre day. I got up around eight this morning  and cleaned my apartment. I took a late shower about ten thirty and as I stepped out of the shower there was a knock on my door. Putting on my robe, I answered the door and to my shock and surprise there was Billy Bikowski. I had him come in while I got dressed. He even took my trash out for me while he was waiting.

Anyhow he said he came over to get Ed Benson’s address because he wanted to pay him back some money he owed him. I couldn’t find it right away so then he asked me if I needed to go shopping. My mind was reeling but I said yes because I needed to get some heavy ten pound bags of cat food  and I didn’t want to have to take the bus. Besides I wanted to find out what he really wanted from me.

 At Smith's at 8^th and 9^th  East, Billy slipped me a $50 bill!  He said he wanted to finish paying me back. Later, I said that I was only accepting this money because it means so much to you to be able to pay me back. He also wanted to go to Cahoots to look at cards for his sister. I wanted to buy a birthday card for Fran also so I went along with him. Still wondering what this is all about.

Leaving Cahoots Billy got into a minor fender bender and that totally stressed him out. However he does now have insurance.

Back home I fixed us some lunch and my resistance was finally worn down and I put my arms around him. I just wanted to hold him close to my heart. He stayed until five thirty this evening and we talked a little about us but it was the same old shit. He was letting me hold him and he held me and I still didn’t understand why he is here. Is it just his quarterly check up to see if I still care?

When John Bush came over for the Delta Institute Board Meeting, Billy left. Before he did however, I invited him over for Sunday dinner as he left.

Anyway John and I went down to check the PO Box. There was nothing except a very bizarre letter from Allan Peterson. He said he was resigning from Unconditional Support and kept protesting that he was a not a Mormon spy just because Derek and he were friends.

I later called him and calmed him down. I asked him not to resign and come down to the dance and communicate with us. So he said he would. Blessed are the peace makers.

Anyhow, only John Bush and Dave Malmstrom met with me for a Delta Institute Board Meeting.  However Dave did bring his boyfriend Chuck Thomas along. They told me that Tony Feliz appeared on the Geraldo Rivera Show to promote his book Out of The Bishop’s Closet”.

Anyway we talked a little bit about the Restoration Church and my early days with Russ Lane before leaving at eight fifteen to go set up for the dance. The Community Valentine’s Dance began at nine and lasted until midnight at the central city community center. We made $136 so we had about 48 people throughout the night. I was paid back the $45 I fronted and plus we reserved $45 for the next dance. I kicked in enough money to be able to give $50 to help bring the Names Project Quilt.

Derek Streeter showed up at the dance and I just treated him no different than anyone else. Fucked up.

Billy showed up about ten and he was being a real dink. He at one point said I “smelled” and he never commented about how successful that the dance was or even asked me to dance. When Richard Morris played “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin I just grabbed Mike Anderson and made him dance with me. I said to him “This is Billy and my song”.

Ray Neilson, Allan Peterson, Darrell Webber and I finally were able to connect up and Peterson’s feelings were communicated. I assured him that we supported him as director and no one thought that he was a Mormon Spy.  That was major too.

Anyhow most of the evening was fun and Billy was mostly a sad distraction. I kept kissing Shawn Hughes from the youth group. I always thought he was sweet. When I left the dance with Doug Fenstermache, Billy said to me that if I needed a ride I could crouch in the back of his van. He had Mark Haslim in the front with him.  Doug Fenstermacher took me home after the dance was over.  Fuck you Billy. 

I was too keyed up to go right to sleep. What a strange, strange day. It’s so bizarre.

 

12 February 1989 Sunday-

I stayed up too late last night and was tired all day. I did fix a vegetarian lasagna for Sunday dinner just in case Billy Bikowski did show up although I wasn’t expecting him to do so. However he surprised me by showing up. He must have been hungry.

However, in the middle of a nice dinner my kitchen sink began to over flow with this black greasy yuck like a demon possessed house. Instead of thinking that my kitchen sink had a pipe line to hell, I ran upstairs and sure enough a plumber was there. Whatever he was doing was pushing up crap through my sink and onto my floor. Gawd!

 Well I cleaned some of it up and after the plumber fixed the drain and left, Billy and I went to the couch to talk. I held him but he pushed me away emotionally. I saw his eyes become dull and I knew he was going through another mood change. He then told me that he didn’t love me; that our relationship was sick. That he only wants me when he’s down and needs my nurturing. When he’s well he will seek out other people. Another blow upon a bruised heart.  

I then told him that I don’t need him like he needs me. I’m independent, able to make it on my own, have a regular sex partner, and have built myself a nice life. I said I don’t need you but I do love you. I told him also I thought he was a dink for treating me the way he did at the dance.

I also said “Let’s make an agreement. Admission through my door has a price. You must kiss me and allow me to make love to you to enter. If that’s too high of a price to pay then don’t come around anymore.”

With that he left and I was fine until I was watching the Tracey Ullman Show and heard the song “Someone to Watch Over Me”. It made me burst into tears.

About nine thirty at night Jon Vrban called and asked if he could come on over. I said certainly. We made love because I needed some physical intimacy; although while Jon was fucking me, Billy’s face kept flashing before me. I know it will never happen.

Jon afterwards said I was the best lover he’s ever had. That was sweet of him to say and something I needed to hear after Billy’s rejection. Jon is great in bed too. Great stamina and virility.

Today is Fran’s 44^th birthday. I sent her a card and $20.

 

13 February 1989 Monday-

 I was tired at work all day, probably from the emotional strain from the past weekend.

            After school I met with some of the parents of some of the boys in my class. It was awkward for me but I think I handled it well. Justin Wiberg lied and said that I would call students in my class “Shithead” The lying sack of shit. I don’t care if he’s only 12. I’d never call any of my students that.

I spent 2 hours at Crossroads Urban Center typing up the membership lists for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. I was so tired.

John reeves called me later in the evening when I came home. He told me some horrible news he heard from Val Holley. Boyd Paul committed suicide in Washington DC.  Boyd and I once dated and he jumped off a bridge on to a freeway because he wasn’t dealing with being Gay and Mormon. I made love to Boyd back in September of 1986 but we drifted apart. I hope he’s at rest now.

  

14 February 1989 Tuesday-

Today was a different at school because of Valentine’s Day. Susan McCoy and I, this morning, had stopped at Smiths in Sunset and bought a bunch of suckers to give out with work certificates that the kids could redeem for not doing an assignment. The kids exchanged cards and little candy hearts.

We had the 6^th Grade Valentine’s Dance at the end of the day and the students did a good job with refreshments and decorations. At the dance, I danced with my girls Becky, Mariah, and Farrah.

When the kids were doing a line dance, Mrs. Gorringe and I danced together down the line. It was cute.

In the evening I went to Unconditional Support. Before that however, Chuck and I made an ad for the March Community dance before the meeting. Yesterday I went to the Community center and paid $25 down on a dance for March 25^th.

There was a fairly big turn out at Unconditional Support and Ray Neilson led the meeting. He had us share the most romantic date we had ever been on.  

After the meeting a group of us went to see “Torch Song Trilogy”. There’s too much to write about the film to properly convey my feelings about that movie. It touched some strong chord in my own life but a lot of what was in the movie I had been struggling with for years here in Utah. Still I’m glad I came out here in so many ways. It made me a stronger faggot. 

 

15 February 1989 Wednesday

Justin Wiberg’s step dad came up today wanting to know why Justin had to stay in during recesses. I told him for lying about saying I was swearing at my students. The dumbshit then admitted he lied at Monday’s meeting. I forcefully made it clear to the step dad that I never swore at my students nor called them shitheads. As I said last Monday I used “street talk” to get their attention when they were being so unruly but it was never directed at them. I also said while Justin is in my class, he will obey my class rules and not disrupt my class. He then yanked Justin out. Good. Fucking low life think they can bully everyone.

 

16 February 1989 Thursday-

Both Justin Wiberg and Eric Rogers were absent today and I am hearing that Justin may transfer into Mr. Birrell’s class.

On the way home tonight, Susan McCoy’s truck broke down in Bountiful when we stopped for gas and the trunk would start back up. Since there was absolutely nothing I could do and she was at a convenient store, I decided to try and catch a bus home rather than wait for her husband Floyd. So I walked about a half mile to a Route 70  Bus stop and finally got home at seven tonight. It was a long, long day.

I wanted to go to Boyd Paul’s viewing which was held in Sandy, Utah but I couldn’t get a hold of anyone to take me so just staying home and stayed warm. I went to bed at nine at night because I have to catch a bus to work tomorrow.

 

17 February 1989 Friday

Everything that could go wrong today did. I got up at five thirty and was out to catch my bus to downtown at six forty five. By the time I realized that my bus wasn’t coming I walked downtown and I missed my Ogden bus by five minutes. That meant I couldn’t catch another bus until eight.

I went back home and called Judy the school secretary to let her know that I wouldn’t be in until nine thirty. Susan McCoy wasn’t coming in at all so I had to round up all her things up to take home to her after school.

In the afternoon I had another confrontation with Eric Rogers. He was writing notes about me. He refused to give me the note so I took him over to Mr. Birrell. He refused to give it to either Mr. Birrell or me so I hauled him down to the office. I made him call his mother.

She came unglued at me and she said I was tired of me terrorizing her child and she was going to the school board. Great,  that made my day. Fortunately I had tons of documentation concerning Eric’s behavior in class but Gol!

When I finally came home about five thirty I went up to the University of Utah and sat in the sauna. I needed it desperately. Ugh!

Additional Material

·         2 BEGIN 1-15 YEAR TERMS IN ROBBERY, KILLING  Two Salt Lake men who robbed and fatally beat another man last spring in Jordan Park have begun serving prison terms. Salesi Fatafehi Tonga, 20, and Feke Latu, 18, were sentenced this month by 3rd District Judge Richard Moffat to two concurrent one-to-15-year terms in Utah State Prison. Both men, originally charged with second-degree murder, pleaded guilty to manslaughter in the April 7, 1988, death of Norbert Begay, whose body was found by children playing in Jordan Park, 10th S. Ninth West. The men also pleaded guilty to aggravated robbery for stealing the victim's radio. Begay was beaten unconscious and died of subsequent asphyxiation. Return to front pageTwo men charged with the beating death of a Salt Lake man last spring have pleaded guilty to reduced charges. Feke Latu, 18, and Salesi Fatafehi Tonga, 20, both of Salt Lake City, admitted Wednesday that they beat and robbed Norbert Begay, 22, in Jordan Park, 1000 S. Ninth West. Two children playing in the park found Begay's body the afternoon of April 8. An autopsy determined Begay had been beaten unconscious and died of asphyxiation. Originally charged with second-degree murder, a first-degree felony, Latu and Tonga pleaded guilty to manslaughter, a second-degree felony. They also pleaded guilty as charged to aggravated robbery, a first-degree felony. Third District Judge Richard Moffat ordered the two men to undergo a 90-day mental evaluation at Utah State Prison before sentencing, which is scheduled Feb. 3.

 

18 February 1989 Saturday-

I cleaned house most of the day and went through my files. I was kind of productive.  Susan and Floyd McCoy came over to pick up Susan’s homework and tests from her class that I brought home for her. I also went to the liquor store with them and I bought $20 worth of white zinfandel and Mogen David  wines.

Michael Anderson called and wanted to go to the benefit held at Back Street for the Names Project. I agreed to go and meet other people from Unconditional Support who wanted to go but only Derek Streeter showed. So we caught a ride from him.

At Back Street I got so drunk on just a half pint of Vodka. I was totally shitface. The benefit raised $2500 for the AIDS Quilt. That was wonderful. Darryl Webber took me home.

Additional Material

·         U. REFUSES TO PERMIT VENDING OF `2ND BEST' AIDS PREVENTIVE By Dennis Romboy, Staff Writer University of Utah President Chase N. Peterson has rejected a proposal to sell condoms on campus, saying vending condoms would be making a moral judgment the university is not prepared to make."A state institution is not in the position to make moral judgments for faculty, staff and students," Peterson said, adding that decisions concerning sex should be made by individuals, not implied by university statements. Mike Kaly, president of the Associated Students of the University of Utah and former vice president Grant Sperry want to have condom vending machines installed in men's and women's restrooms in all three campus dormitories, the Olpin Union and the Social and Behavioral Science Building. The students say the administration's rejection of the plan ignores realities faced by today’s students. If the U., which is renowned for its medical sciences, placed condom vending machines on campus it would appear as an endorsement, Peterson said. Condom use, he said, is only the second best protection against the AIDS virus and it is not guaranteed. The university does not want to suggest their use is officially recommended or entirely safe. He said he dismissed the proposal on medical and legal grounds. Kaly said the selling of condoms on campus is a moral issue that university officials are trying to avoid. "It became a hot potato kind of thing. The administration didn't really know what to do. It's an issue they'd never seen before. I feel we've been pushed aside."Peterson said the university is not making a moral statement about the sale of condoms on campus, but a biomedical one."Medical science has proven that the best protection against AIDS is abstinence or a sexual relationship with a reliable partner."He added that there might also be legal ramifications if an individual bought a condom on campus and then contracted AIDS. Kaly claims the U. will not allow the sale of condoms because the administration believes it would endorse sexual behavior it considers unacceptable."I think it's completely a moral issue. I don't think it has anything to do with legal and medical aspects." He said the idea for campus condom vending machines was rejected when he presented it to Peterson several weeks ago. "I thought that was pretty lame," Kaly said of the administration's reasoning. "The university sells pornography and cigarettes in the Union, and there are no legal ramifications. Condoms seem a lot less harmful than those items. We know cigarettes kill people." Peterson said he is open to discussion, and the issue has been discussed by a campus committee on student health. The committee, he said, concluded that abstinence or sex with a reliable partner, whether in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, is the best way to avoid the deadly virus. On this point, Kaly partly agrees. "Condoms are the best protection against AIDS besides abstinence." But because many students are sexually active, he said, condoms need to be readily available on campus. The administration, however, has not completely closed the door on the sale of condoms on campus."If it's a good thing to do, we'll do it. If it's a bad thing, we'll resist it," Peterson said. For now, the U. will stand behind its current position. That doesn't sit well with David Sharpton, director of the People with AIDS Coalition of Utah, who said by not making condoms available on campus, the U. is turning its head on a serious problem."They're dealing with an attitude that sex isn't an issue with those kids. But it is a serious issue."He said the coalition supports students' efforts to have condom vending machines placed in campus restrooms.

·         GAY ACTIVIST MICHAEL ORTEGA-WEST-SIDE RESIDENTS WANT CLEANER RIVER  Several Salt Lake residents who live near the Jordan River told park and water officials Thursday their west-side neighborhoods are ignored and demanded that the river be cleaned. But the residents were told they are the ones who must take the initiative by organizing clean-up projects and lobbying elected officials for funds. "We can't keep up with all the junk that's thrown in the river. There's no way. That's what the people who live along the river have to do," said Bard Ferrin, Jordan State Park superintendent.  Ferrin said that between June and September, three employees spend a half day each week cleaning debris from the river. Until 1982, 20 employees worked on cleaning the river, but lack of funding has cut back upkeep and developments. Residents complained that their area is particularly ignored and asked for their "fair share" of a clean river. "Why is it the west-side neighborhoods always have the garbage?" said Michael Ortega, community organizer of the Salt Lake Citizens Congress. "You go north and you go south and it's much cleaner." But Ferrin denied that more effort is spent cleaning one area over another. "It's exactly the same care," he said. Steve Jensen, water quality planning coordinator of the Salt Lake City/County Health Department, told the gathering of about 50 residents that while the river is not safe for swimming, it is safe for fish and other aquatic life. "We still have a bacteria problem on the lower part of the river, though. We don't know why," he said, adding that storm drains and illegal dumping are causing some of those problems. _© 1998 Deseret News Publishing Co.

 

19 February 1989 Sunday

I had a hang over this morning. I never had a hangover before.

Jeff the Cowboy from Sandy came over this afternoon and we fucked. He’s a nice man.  

Mike Anderson called me to see if I wanted to go over to his friends', Laren and Tom, for dinner about nine tonight. I walked over there , they just lived off of 11th East, and although it had snowed almost all day long, it was slushy going. It started to warm up today finally. It suppose be in the forties all next week.

At Laren’s place we watched some videos and I listened to mundane, boring, meaningless chatter between Laren, Tom and some other airheads that were invited over. I know they must have some redeemable traits for Michael to like them so much but intellectual stimulation isn’t one of them.

Yesterday I introduced Mike Anderson to a guy named Robert Smith at Backstreet. They wanted to do some “Revues” at Backstreet together. I told Robert, he ought to come to Unconditional Support if he wants to get involved in a Gay community.

 

20 February 1989 Monday-

No school today for Presidents Day holiday. Yeah! The buses were running today, however, so I didn't have to be a prisoner in my apartment.

I graded all my students’ papers this morning. It took me about three hours. I had so much to do.

About one in the afternoon I took a bus up to the University of Utah and sat in the sauna for a couple of hours reading the newspaper. That felt wonderful. I cruised Orson Spenser Hall a little also while on campus. No action.

Jon Vrban came over this afternoon about five in the afternoon and we fucked. He said he was meeting up with an old lover tonight and he was nervous about that. 

I was tired this evening and wanted to just stay in but Jim Hunsaker called about seven and wanted me to go with him to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union on campus. Since I haven't been in a million years, I decided to go.

Garth Chamberlain led the meeting on dealing with loneliness. There were lots of new faces. LGSU is still too young of a crowd for me. I needed LGSU at one time but I've outgrown it.

George Marshall was still his obnoxious self proclaim leader of LGSU. Joe Dewey wasn't at the meeting but Liz Pitts was. She’s got her shit together. I asked Brook Hallock to do a work shop for Beyond Stonewall. She agreed. I also gave the Youth Group a Delta Institute application if they want to join under our non-profit status.

 

21 February  1989 Tuesday-

I went back to school, ready for a major confrontation with the mothers of Eric Rogers and Justin Wiberg. However Mr. Olearain fought that battle for me and supported me 100 percent. Thank God he thinks I walk on water.

Justin got transferred to Mr. Birrell’s class and Eric’s mother told Jack she was sorry for blowing up at me. Anyhow it was all anti-climatic. I was so stressed out but very little happened after all, about my alleged bad conduct.

I went to Unconditional Support this evening. Jim Hunsaker brought a masseuse, Bill Blevin, to show the group the techniques of massaging. Bill Blevin gave Jim, who was nude except for some strategically placed towels, a full body massage.

At the beginning of the meeting Derek Streeter asked if he could have some addresses of some members and I said I don’t give out that information. He then asked if I thought he was a Mormon spy. I said “I don’t know if you are or not. Only you can answer that.  I know that people do that sort of thing, although I can’t conceive how or why they would.” 

I also said "It didn’t matter what I think anyway, because you will always be welcomed to come to Unconditional Support as much as you want.” 

I also said, “Whether you are a spy or not, I never did trust you. As long as you continue to profess to be a card carrying Republican with your first allegiance to the Mormon Church, I would never trust you. We all have to prove ourselves trust worthy at some point. All of us. Even you. I don’t see you as wanting to be one of us. We defend you but you never defend us.”

I think of the Mormon Church, the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, the Catholic Church, and Islam as the enemy to Gay and Lesbian people everywhere. I can never have complete trust in people who still have vestiges of loyalty to these organizations.

Anyhow Billy Bikowski sneaked in at one point without me noticing.  When I saw him my spirit went to lead. Thoughts flew back to a time when I massaged his beautiful body and our energies flowed back and forth between my hands and his silky warm skin.  

This man named Tyler Shaw showed up at the meeting. He called me last Sunday about Beyond Stonewall. He is a beautiful, rugged young man. Quiet and reserve though. Shy? I’m certainly not.

 Anyway after the meeting Billy came up to me to say hi. I was cordial to him. As long as he’s at Unconditional Support I will treat him cordially but if he ever shows up at my place again he better have his lips puckered or I’ll slam the door in his face.

I went out for Coffee and walked down to Dee’s with Robert Smith, who attended his first meeting tonight, Jim Hunsaker, and Mike Pipkin. Billy tagged along. Mike is leaving at the end of this month to move back to Moab where he said he’s going to manage a restaurant down there. I sat in a booth away from Billy and he visited with Brook Hallock mostly.

Before going to bed, John Reeves called me from Boston. He said he had a wonderful date with a man he met on the computer exchange line. He also said that Massachusetts is pushing for a Gay Rights Bill and he wants to get involved in the political process.

I told him about Mike Anderson and me wanting to go to New York City this summer for the 20^th Anniversary of Stonewall and would like to see him in Boston. That would be so much fun.

 

22 February 1989 Wednesday

The weather is finally letting up and it’s beginning to thaw.

Susan McCoy wanted to leave about four this afternoon so I was home fairly early today. I just tried cleaning my apartment. I am kind of worn down and wanted to go to bed early but Jon Vrban called about nine tonight and wanted to come over.

We fucked and after he left about ten, Jeff Wood of all people dropped by! I thought how bizarre. I was curious to find out what he might want. So I had him come in. Basically he said he wanted to be my friend, that I had a lot of qualities which he wanted in a friend but he doesn’t want to have sex with me and doesn’t want me “coming on” to him.

After politely listening to him I finally said, “Don’t you find this just a little odd? I mean you come all the way over here at ten o’clock at night evidently because I have something about me that you need and then you tell me that you just want to be my friend and then you set boundaries to that friendship? Don’t you think that is kind of strange?” Well I do.”

I was much kinder to him than I should have. I should have dropped kicked him and sent him on his way. What kind of friend says, “I don’t find you sexually attractive?” It’s not only rude by unkind. I sent him away.

Additional Material

·         HATCH, SIMON SPONSOR BILL FOR COLLECTING INFORMATION ON `HATE CRIMES' NATIONWIDE  By Lee Davidson, Staff Writer Legislation to collect national data on "hate crimes" by white supremacists and others was introduced Wednesday by Sens. Paul Simon, D-Ill., and Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.  "Hate crimes are among the most heinous of all crimes because they strike so deeply at their victims' individuality and self-esteem," Hatch said. "While the FBI collects certain national crime statistics, there is no federal record-keeping concerning the occurrence of hate crimes." The bill would require the attorney general to collect data for the next five years about crimes that show evidence of prejudice based on race, religion, sexual orientation or ethnicity. "Hate crimes are not committed in one local area, but surface all across America. Yet we have no uniform method of determining if these crimes are on the rise and exactly where they are taking place. This bill is aimed at rectifying that information gap," Hatch said. "Through this data, law enforcement agencies can better address and seek to prevent these crimes." Hatch also said that hate crimes have touched virtually every ethnic and many religious minorities in the nation in recent years. Some instances he mentioned:  - In Salt Lake City in 1980, a former member of the American Nazi Party murdered two black men jogging with two white women in Liberty Park in a sniper attack. The same man was later convicted of the 1977 bombing of a synagogue in Chattanooga, Tenn. -In 1987 in Howard Beach, N.Y., a black teenager was killed by a car while being chased by Whites. -In July 1987 in San Jose, Calif., a black woman was denied access to a public park by white supremacists who also terrorized her with racial threats. -During the winter 1982-83 in North Carolina, the White Knights of Liberty conducted nighttime cross burnings in front of interracial couples. -In February 1982 in Cleveland, a member of the Social Nationalist Aryan People's Party murdered two blacks and a white person he mistakenly thought was a "Jewish professor."  -In 1981 in Mobile, Ala., members of the United Klans of America murdered a black teenager. -A Chinese-American was beaten to death with a baseball bat in Detroit by two whites upset about the effect of Japanese car imports on American jobs. -Last September in New York, two teenagers desecrated a synagogue, painting swastikas on the walls, burning the building and destroying six Torah scrolls. -Last year in Doraville, Ga., the Yeshiva High School was spray painted with anti-Semitic and racist slogans. -In the mid 1980s in Cedartown, Ga., Hispanics were shot at and had their cars rammed by members of white supremacist groups. Hatch also said that according to the Anti-Defamation League of B'nai B'rith, 1988 anti-Semitic incidents included 823 episodes of vandalism and desecration and 658 acts of harassment, threat or assault - the highest number of incidents reported in five years. © 1998 Deseret News Publishing Co.

 

23 February 1989 Thursday-

The weather is warming and there is a thaw in the air. I went to Gay Fathers after work today. There was a  small turn out with only about six of us.  John Bush and his boyfriend Mike Connors have given up smoking and they are climbing the walls they said. I am so grateful I don’t have that monkey on my back.

I went after the meeting to The Other Place this Greek Restaurant on 3^rd South with them. . There Mike said something to me that kind of hurt my feelings. I was telling John Bush about what Derek Streeter said to me last Tuesday and Mike Conners jumped all over my case saying that I had no right to withhold information from Derek and I said I most certainly do. Anyhow I felt like I was being personally attacked, more than anything else and I thought “Fuck you”. I’m still mad.

 

24 February 1989 Friday-

So glad that it’s Friday. We had some members of Ballet West perform this afternoon for an assembly. Other than that noting exciting is going on.

Susan McCoy dropped me off downtown and I went to the Post Office on 2^nd South. There was a rejection letter was in the PO Box from Louise Hay. Dan Fahndrich had asked her to speak at Beyond Stonewall. 

Then I went over to the Crossroad’s Urban Center  where Chuck Whyte and I put together the minutes for Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah to mail out. I was there at four thirty and worked until seven thirty tonight. I didn’t do anything else but straightened up the apartment before going to bed fairly early. 

Fran called me this evening. I was kind of down and tired so we didn’t talk much. The snow is melting. Yay. It’s been up, in the forties, which feels wonderful. Glad this long winter is breaking up

 Additional Material

·         Louise Hay sold tens of millions of copies of her book “You Can Heal Your Life”. She preached the power of love and affirmation to heal illnesses which made her a leading voice of the New Age movement in the 1980s. She developed a belief system based on the idea that medical maladies such as AIDS are inextricably linked with negative thoughts. She died 30 August 2017 at the age of 90

25 February 1989 Saturday

I got up this morning about eight and watched “Pee wee Herman’s Playhouse” while fixing breakfast. I straightened up the apartment before catching a 9^th East bus to go to Smith’s this morning. There I bought a March bus pass and some groceries, especially cat food for Billy Cat. 

In the afternoon I took a bus up to the University of Utah to sweat in the sauna. I saw Duane Dawson there and we spoke. I guess I’m not mad at him anymore. He said he makes $46,000 a year as a nurse. How would it be? Oh well money isn’t everything and I have enough for my needs I suppose.

After leaving the sauna I went over and cruised OSH. Spring fever I suppose. At one of the bathrooms I had a close encounter of the weird kind. Some guy in the stall next to me was cruising me me and wanted to give me head. So I get down on the floor and he was giving me oral sex as I was feeling him up under the stall. Anyway he then gets up and come next door to see who was in the stall and it was Glen Camomile! We both turned beet red. Then I started to laugh and I said “You meet the strangest people here” and he smiled and said, “No, the most wonderful.” He was right.

I still think it’s funny in an embarrassing sort of way to trick anonymously and then find out it is someone you know. Oh well.

I came home after that walking down the hill rather than taking the bus as it was such a nice day and I was sick of being cooped up.

In the evening, feeling restless, started calling people on the phone. Nobody was home or either they were going out and couldn’t visit.  I was so frustrated that I threw my address book against the wall and yelled “FUCK!!”  Then as if the Universe heard me, Doug Fenstermacher, the sweet thing, called and wanted to know if I wanted to go out to the movies. His boyfriend Don Penrose had gone to play Dungeon and Dragons and Doug was all alone so we went out.  Doug is such a sweet, gentle spirit. I really do love Don and Doug.

Before he came over at nine thirty, Mark Lamar called to say he was in the hospital. He had lost a lot of weight and his white cells and blood platelets are way down. He also has some lesions on his face. He’s scared to death that he’s contracted AIDS. I’m not even going to deal with this possibility until his test results come back.

  Anyhow Doug and I went to a late show and saw Tom Hanks in “The Burbs”. It was okay with some funny moments. We mostly went to see it because nothing else was playing so late.

I didn’t get home until about midnight and I was so tired. I went and fell into bed. Why can’t I find someone as sweet and wonderful as Doug?

 

26 February 1989 Sunday-

It rained off and on for most of the day. I walked to my Quaker Meeting in the rain under my trusty umbrella. It was like a rainy spring day. It was good to be at meeting again.

            Rocky O’Donovan spoke at Quaker Meeting about making an AIDS Quilt panel for one of his friends.  I spoke and said to my Quaker Friends, “The other day at work I over heard someone say ‘I’m so sick of hearing about AIDS’ and when I think of my friends dying of this disease and another one calling me just yesterday saying that he was in the hospital with a low white cell count, I’m sick of hearing about AIDS too.”

Anyway after the meeting I walked home, read the Sunday Newspaper, and then took a nap. It was such a rainy day and sleeping weather. 

In the late afternoon a guy named Joe called me and wanted to come over to fool around. He was a good fuck but came too soon. He was embarrassed but I said I must have excited you too much. Ha! That made him feel better.

Anyhow I decided after he left that I wanted to go to Affirmation so about six fifteen, I walked up to 13^th East. There was a pretty good turn out even if we had a time getting into the Unitarian Church building because Russ Lane was late with the key.

 Tony Feliz was in town promoting his book “Out Of The Bishop Closet”. John Butler and Willy Marshall was at the meeting along with Duane Dawson. It was almost like old times.

Neil Hoyt led a wonderful meeting on “Touching and Getting In Touch”. He had us hold hands with someone who was a stranger to us and later taught us touch techniques. It was a really good meeting and just what Affirmation needed to break down some real attitude problems.

 Billy Bikowski was at the meeting and once while I was sitting by myself, he came over and sat by me. He asked me if I was going to sit in the circle and I asked him, “Does that mean you want to sit next to me?” He said he didn’t think that far ahead. But I knew was his way of being with me. I know my Billy.

Anyway I walked home after the meeting and it was such a nice evening and not so deathly cold. Halfway home Duane Dawson stopped and gave me a ride down to my apartment.

 

27 February 1989 Monday

The snow has almost completely melted off the playground finally. So sick of snow.  I had the kids put up new bulletin boards with spring time themes. I have twenty five students now when I started off with thirty. Just with those five gone, it makes all the difference in the world.

Back in Salt Lake I went to the downtown library to check out another book to read in class. I finished “Ollie Dibbs and the Dinosaur Case.” Before that, I read to the class “Blubber” by Judy Blume and about bullying. I’m going to read next “It’s Not the End of the World” by Judy Blume.  

At home I made some bean tostados for supper before Michael Anderson and Neil Hoyt dropped over for our Beyond Stonewall Meeting. John Bush couldn’t make it tonight. Mike is publicity chair and Neil is promotion chair. We basically discussed deadlines for the Triangle and getting something together for the Royal Court’s Coronation. We also made a list of people I’m asking to be facilitators at Beyond Stonewall. They included Marc Potter, Brook Hallock, Dr. Patty Reagan, Dr. Michael Elliott, John Reeves, Richard Rodriguez, Ben Barr, Bruce Barton, Dr. Kristin Ries,  Becky Moss, Mark Winter, and Rocky O’Donovan.

Our meeting lasted from six to seven at night then we all went up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union where the topic was Paganism and Wicca. Brook Hallock and Nancy Diatima Perez, Tom Abizu Jensen and Becky Moorman were the presenters.  It was interesting.

George Marshall was obnoxious and pretentious and the room was filled with attitude. I was very, very good at keeping my mouth shut until George Marshall started ragging on how all the Christian were killing the witches in the middle ages which started the band wagon of piling on how Pagans are good and Christians bad.

I finally gently reminded the group that it was the Pagans who sic the lions on the Christians first and no group had a monopoly on intolerance and inhumanity towards mankind. The meeting closed with a Pagan candle lighting circle.  When each person lit their candle I declined and simply said “my life is my light.” 

Matriarchy is wonderful as long as it allows Gay men to develop in our own gentle ways. Heterosexual patriarchy based on dominance and submission is sometimes mirrored in our own community.

Additional Material

·         AIDS FOUNDATION ELECTS SLATE OF OFFICERS John Seaman, a professor in the University of Utah Graduate School of Social Work, is the new chairman of the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. Vice chairman is Bruce Harmon, a professional fund-raiser for a major national health agency. Elected secretary was Cindy Kindred, program underwriting director at KUTV. Terry Chin, vice president of finance at Holy Cross Hospital, is treasurer. (Deseret News)

 

28 February 1989 Tuesday-

The kids at school are doing such a wonderful job on their bulletin boards. It makes me happy just to see their creativity. Dancing Leprechauns, happy bunnies, Easter eggs, and lots of rainbows. I am so sick of winter.

I went to the Cross Roads Urban Center early, about six this evening to work with Chuck Whyte on some community Council business such as the membership lists etc.

Then I attended Unconditional Support where Allan Peterson led the meeting again on the topic of Dating again and it was so boring. But then I was tired and was just trying to stay awake. Allen has no pizzazz, no oomph; which doesn’t make him a bad person, just wearisome. Oh well, he’ll grow into it. I hope.

Billy Bikowski showed up at the meeting and after our group hug, I saw him going around and hugging everyone especially Derek Streeter. He gave Derek one of those deep heart to heart hugs and it hurt seeing that.

I saw Wayne Schnyder at the meeting who was once one of the Restoration Church’s cheer leaders. He must be was back in town with Tony Feliz.

Well, we went off to Dee’s for coffee after the meeting.   There Derek Streeter asked me about the Restoration Church and I told him about my former association with the church and what it then believed. Derek said it was the first time he ever heard me talk serious about Religion.

Garth Chamberlain then asked me if that was the reason I didn’t light a candle at yesterday’s LGSU meeting or did I choose simply not to participate. I said I chose not to participate in a pagan ritual because of my own personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I told them that all I have ever done in the Gay community or tried to do in the Gay Community is from a personal love for Jesus Christ. Very few people know that about me because I keep my spiritual beliefs concealed, like at yesterday’s meeting when I said “My life is my life”. 

Anyhow, from coffee we went over to Trolley Square to go to the late showing of “Torch Song Trilogy”. I was however really tired and didn’t feel up to it but I wanted to be a trouper. I saw Mike Pipkin at the show. He said he’s not going to Moab after all. He’s staying and will work up in Park City.

Then I saw Billy Bikowski at the theater and something ripped open inside. Maybe I was just tired or maybe feeling vulnerable but I began to hurt deep in my soul again and I couldn’t bear to be at the show. The movie touches too close to home anyway and to be there with Billy, and yet not with him either, was too much for this poor boy to bear.

Anger, anguish, angst or whatever carried me home and before I had a chance to feel good and sorry for myself, I smelled smoke in my apartment as soon as I opened the door. Somehow the stove top burner got left on high and was burning up a cake pan I left on the stove. It was just a hazy greasy smoke but I was so grateful to God that I came home when I did and caught it before it burned up my cat and all my journals.

I opened up all the windows to air out the place. It was thirty four degrees so while it was cold at least it was possible.

 About ten thirty at night Jon Vrban called for some loving. I told him that I was absolutely dead but let’s get together later in the week. Well Billy and Jeff Wood don’t find me sexually attractive but at least Jon does and he has his shit together far more than those two boys combined.

About midnight the phone rang and woke me up but then it stopped without leaving a message. In my crazed delusion, I fantasized that it was Billy. That somehow that movie had gotten to him and he finally, finally realized the love he has in me and that he loves me too. Sick.  Why do I love that man still?

MARCH

1  March 1989 Wednesday

The first day of March and what a wonderfully warm day at fifty six degrees it was. All the snow is gone and it was so pleasant out. I took the kids outside for P.E. and we played kickball.

I got paid today and they finally stopped taking out the American Federation of Teachers dues from my paycheck. Last fall I inadvertently signed up for both the AFT and the Utah Education Association. With pay from career ladder days I cleared $1,045 for February.

When I came home I paid off some bills. I sent $113 in for the 1988 taxes that I owed after doing the EZ tax form. Also I paid $200 to rent, paid off my Weinstock account at $230 and some little bills such as Sears, lights, and my record club. I still have to pay phone and Levitz Furniture but I haven’t gotten those bills yet. I would love to pay off one major bill a month and then I’d be able to afford a car payment.

 In the evening John Reeves called from Boston. He’s excited that he may have two good job interviews coming up. It was good to hear from him. He said that Bob Hope us going to do some ant-Gay violence public service announcements to help stop fag bashing.

 I’ve written a response letter to the editor of the Salt Lake Tribune regarding an article I thought was anti-gay. I haven’t typed it up yet to send it.

Mike Anderson dropped by with some news about what he wants to do for Beyond Stonewall. He’s gotten Danny Keele and a friend of his named Mark to help him with publicity.

These are a list of names I am going to ask to participate as facilitators for Beyond Stonewall- Marc Potter, Brook Hallock, Patty Reagan, Michael Elliott, John Reeves, Richard Rodriguez, Ben Barr, Bruce Barton, Kristen Ries, Becky Moss, Rocky O’Donovan and possibly others.

 

2 March 1989 Thursday-

It rained off and on all day and Susan McCoy got sick and went home early at noon that meant I had to take the bus home. I didn’t even wear a coat today. I was feeling kind of blah today myself so I decided to stay home tomorrow. Pat Stamps and his partner in crime Eric Rogers cut school today after lunch. Oh well.

In the evening it lightened and thundered. It was a strange kind of storm.

Anyhow, at The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of there was a pretty good response considering the weather. Some people from the Socialist Worker’s Party showed up and wanted us to endorse something of theirs. I wasn’t paying attention. Brooke Hallock and Chris Brown said they had reservations about endorsing anything by the Socialist Workers Party because they are not friends of Gay and Lesbian People.

At GLCCU I asked Brook Hallock, Ben Barr, and Bruce Barton if they would do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall and they all agreed to participate. Great.

I heard Gay Pride Day is in June this year rather than July. Good.

Dave Sharpton was rather rude at the meeting. I suppose he thinks he can get away with it. 

Val Mansfield gave me a ride home from the Metropolitan Community Church so I wouldn’t have to walk in the rain.

 

3 March 1989 Friday

It had snowed last night and it was winter wonderland once again. I hate the snow. Yuck I am getting sick of it. I wasn’t feeling well like I had a tad bit of a cold. But I went to the Utah AIDS Foundation to give Ben Barr the AIDS panel that I made for Michael Spence AKA Tracey Ross last year.

 I also wanted to get tickets for “Beirut” that the Salt Lake Acting Company is doing as an AIDS benefit next Tuesday. Ben wasn’t in his office but I used his office to type up a formal letter to the Beyond Stonewall presenters and my letter to the editor of the Tribune as a response to a homophobic letter printed on the 1^st.

David Sharpton must be totally frazzled because he is so rude to everyone anymore.  Chuck Whyte was also up at the foundation working in their food bank for the People With AIDS Coalition. It was the first time I had ever been up to the new offices on 9^th East.

I gave Patty Reagan’s application for Beyond Stonewall to a woman named Karla who Ben said was a liaison person for Patty. After getting my letter typed up and printed, I sent off ten letters to Marc Potter, Ben Barr, Bruce Barton, Brook Hallock, Becky Moss, Patty Reagan, Richard Rodriguez, Michael Elliott, John Reeves, and Rocky O’Donovan who I’d like to be the keynote speaker at Beyond Stonewall.

I also sent off my letter to the tribune in response to a homophobic letter sent to their editor.

I then went up to the sauna at the University of Utah which was so relaxing. There was hardly anyone in the sauna today.. Anyway I walked over to Orson Spencer Hall where I met this interesting looking student who was cruising me. There wasn’t anyone else around so he fucked me there in a stall which was great but kind of kinky.

 In the early evening Michael Anderson called and wanted something to do this evening. I wasn’t feeling well and up for a night out. I had called in sick today after all but Mike prevailed upon me to go out with him.

I reminded him about Dan Fahndrich’s “Jack Off Party” at his house which Michael was up for. I really, really didn’t want to go but Michael said it’s just one of those things you have to experience as a Gay man. So I said, “oh Gawd” and agreed to go with him. 

We called Dan and he agreed to come down from his place in the Avenues and pick us up at eight. When we walked in I knew this was going to be tacky from all the strategically placed towels on all the furniture. I thought to myself that perhaps we could just unzip and be done but no we were required to strip.

I’m not a total prude but I did kind of feel uncomfortable being nude in front of so many guys I knew socially. People at the party were of course Dan Fahndrich, then Scott Anderson, Dave Reed, Glen Camomile, Mike Anderson and myself.  Glen and I usually don’t get along. I don’t know exactly why, but he doesn’t like me even though I inadvertently gave him a blow job a month ago.

Watching three hours of porno is not my idea of a good time and when Dave had to leave at eleven, I got dressed and went with him so he could  give me a ride home. I like the line from Torch Song Trilogy when the old queen says, “I can’t have sex with people I know.” 

Michael stayed at the party when I left. I have to say it was interesting but not my cup of tea. I like my sex live and not Memorex.  Also I think I have a hard time being in Dan Fahndrich's place with all the memories of when Billy was his house mate.

 When I talked to Dave on the way home he said he understood perfectly as he was quite familiar with Billy’s charm. Billy’s a geek. I don’t want to love him anymore. I was in my own bed by eleven thirty at night and a little sad.

 

4 March 1989 Saturday

I called Mark Lamar back in Indiana this morning to find out how his health was. He said the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him. I’m so glad. We talked about me taking a trip back east this summer for the 20^th anniversary of the Stonewall riot. I’ll be leaving June 11^th so I guess I will miss Gay Pride Day here in Salt Lake City but New York will be great.  Mark said he has already made his train reservations. I’m getting really excited about the trip.

Michael Anderson says he wants to go too but we will see how that goes.

I wanted to send a copy of the Triangle  to John Reeves so I went downtown to the post office to send off a packet of my journals to him as well and I stopped at the Crossroads Mall to buy an extension cord for my phone so I can carry it into my bedroom.

I stopped in at the Radio City and I was surprised to see Jon Merrill working there as a bartender. He said he’ll be working on Saturday days, Sunday evenings, and Monday evenings. I sat at the bar and visited with him to see how he’s been for most of the afternoon. It was delightful and so much more fun than that Jack Off party last night.

 In the evening I just stayed home, cleaned the place and watched some TV. I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go out with so I went to bed early about ten thirty. It was a nice day weather-wise, cool but overcast.

 

5 March 1989 Sunday

I woke up about seven so I decided to just get on up. I cleaned the kitchen and piddled around before going to church. The weather was nice enough to walk on up to the Quaker Meeting.  It was a small turnout but I was glad I went. I saw Rocky O’Donovan and asked him if he would be our keynote speaker at Beyond Stonewall. He said certainly. I also asked Robert Erichssen to be my assistant at the camp and he also agreed.

When I started actually planning out my responsibilities, I finally realized that I also need an assistant responsible to only me to free me up to do all that I will need to do that weekend.

After the meeting I walked home and fixed a vegetarian lasagna to eat on for the coming week. Afterwards I went to a Sunday Matinee at Trolley Square and saw Torch Song Trilogy again. This time I did cry.

I then called Becky Moss to see if there was a show to do tonight for Concerning Gays and Lesbians and we decided just to do a bunch next Sunday. So that freed me up for the evening but I didn’t want to go to Affirmation. I didn’t want to take the chance that I might see Billy there. 

This is the 3^rd anniversary of the founding of the Wasatch Chapter of Affirmation.  It’s been three years and for most of that time I’ve been miserable over my feelings for Billy. Instead I went down to the Radio City about six thirty to see Jon Merrill again. Mike Anderson was supposed to have met me there but he didn’t show up. I stayed until nine and it was kind of fun meeting different people who knew Jon. However am I going to met the caliber of person I want to be with in a bar?

When I left I walked over to the Magazine Shop on Main Street to see if they carried a copy of Tony Feliz’s “Out of the Bishop’s Closet”. Jon Merrill said he had bought it and is reading it. I’m wondering if I should buy it for a part of my own history but I’d rather not line Tony’s pockets with my cash. What to do?

At the Magazine store I saw Bruce and Phillip, who is writing a book about his Gay Mormon Experience for Signature Books. He said he and Derek Streeter are best friends and that Derek had dinner with Brent Metcalf at Phillip’s house. I am so confused about Derek.

I walked on home and went to bed by ten thirty. The Triangle still hasn’t come out.

 

6 May 1989 Monday

I’m back at school on this drizzling and overcast day. I was so glad it was a short day with the kids so I was home by four.

I called John Bush and said it wasn’t necessary to have a Beyond Stonewall meeting tonight. I just updated him on what I had been doing and said let’s just have a general meeting in April.

I wanted to go to the show tonight to get out of the house and was planning on going alone until I called up Eric Christensen just to visit. He and Shawn Hughes are on the outs, so he wanted to go to the show with me. We went to the Tower Theater to see “Scrooged” and “Oliver and Company.” They were amusing.

Before going to the show Eric and I went to Radio City to pick up a copy of the Triangle that was finally out. I was really mad when, again, nothing was printed from the articles turned in by me for Unconditional Support.  I am upset but not mad enough to cut my nose off. It wasn’t even a decent issue. Well at least they put in the dance ad. I guess I can’t bitch totally

 

7 May 1989 Tuesday

It was cloudy and overcast all day. I didn’t get to see the partial eclipse either. Today was fine until this evening.

When I got home from work, Michael Anderson called and said his friend Mark was going with us to see “Beirut” at the Salt Lake Acting Company theater. The play is an AIDS benefit for helping bring the AIDS Quilt and managed to raise $2000 for the Names Project.

Anyhow, I was in fairly good spirits and having a lot of fun seeing people from the community I knew there. We had front row seats and I was joking with Michael, being snarky and campy as we usually do, but I could tell that he was becoming standoffish to me and I couldn’t figure out why. Then right before the play began, he says to me “Ben, I don’t mind letting you be part of my life but I don’t feel comfortable about talking about Ben Barr with his people right behind us and making comments about the actors on stage. I have to be around these people and I think you are being extremely rude.”

 Michael, who I had considered being like a sister after all we had been through for three years,  might have as well stuck me with a knife. Is that how people perceive me? Am I just a bitchy rude ass? And even if I am why Michael doesn’t, after all we have been through together, love me anyway.

I always have looked pass his faults. I thought we had a special bond. A tight friendship. After his comments I could hardly sit and enjoy the play. The evening was ruined for me. If I could have left without making a scene I would have.

The play was just an hour long and was over by eight thirty. The director opened the rest of the evening for a discussion about AIDS but I left and walked home feeling really wounded.

 I stopped in at Dee’s on Fourth to see people there from Unconditional Support. I would have stayed for the company, but Billy was there laughing and having a good time so I went home, fell on the couch and bawled. I was so heart sick.

I want to get the fuck out of Utah where people treat you like shit. I build these support organizations that are no use to me when I need them. But Billy who doesn’t do shit flits around all of them, laughing, having a good time, people interested in his butt while I lay here in the dark, alone, and crying. It’s not fair. I’m sick of it. Where is there someone to watch over me? To take care of me. To comfort me. I’m just a scared little boy too at times.

 

8 March 1989 Wednesday

I am still smarting from Michael Anderson’s caustic remarks yesterday. I would not have gone out or done anything today if I hadn’t already made a commitment to Robert Smith to go with him to the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society tonight.

He came over at seven and we walked to Curtis Jensen’s house at 40 South and 1200 East where we held the meeting at seven thirty. About fifteen people were in attendance and it was a nice crowd. John Lamborn, Erik Meyers and his lover, Chris Brown, Neil Hoyt, Robert Smith, Grant Cheever, Steve Oldroyd, Curtis Jensen, Brook Hallock, Becky Moorman, two women from OWLS, Rocky O’Donovan and myself and some others drifted in and out.

Rocky gave a presentation about Edith Chapman an early day Lesbian. It was an interesting presentation and afterwards we had a business meeting. We voted that Brook Hallock, Rocky O’Donovan, and Liza Smart would be the representatives to the Gay Community Council. Rocky asked that we meet at my place on the 22^nd for an organizational meeting to write by-laws and incorporate and to discuss whether to affiliate with the Delta Institute. 

The meeting ended about nine thirty and I walked home with Robert Smith. He said he wanted to walk me home and my heart fluttered but then crashed when he said he wanted to see if Jim Hunsaker was home. Well scratch him off the list of potential suitors.

 

9 March 1989 Thursday

It was such a beautiful day at seventy six degrees and record breaking temperatures. I had the kids play softball because it was so nice out.

I was suppose to go to this AIDS Quilt fundraiser thing tonight but I was tired, horny, depressed, and whatever. I needed time for myself.

It was such a beautiful warm night out that I walked down to the central library to cruise the upstairs men’s room. It was interesting but not spectacular. I stayed until closing, came home, and made some phone calls.

I called Ben Barr to ask him to come in Sunday at KRCL to do a program. I also called David Sharpton and we talked about a half an hour bitching about everything going on in our lives. It was great to get it out of my system. We both agreed we were over committed, under sexed, and extremely frustrated.

Becky Moss said she’s going to do one of the Beyond Stonewall workshops but wanted to know if she could also bring her girlfriend Catherine for free also.  I said I’d have to think about it but probably not. I don’t have anything against Catherine but why should she get to go for free? What has she done for the community besides be Becky’s lover?  I don’t know of anything. What a position to put me in.

As it is we are having eighteen free participants, myself, John Bush, Neil Hoyt, Mike Anderson, Guy Larson, Dan Fahndrich, Richard Morris, and ten facilitators; Ben Barr, Michael Elliott, Patty Reagan, Richard Rodriguez, John Reeves, Marc Potter, Brook Hallock, Becky Moss, Robert Smith and Bruce Barton and all are going to be working at the retreat. Who knows, maybe Becky felt it doesn’t hurt to ask but it hurts me to have to say no.

John Tower was denied by the Senate to be Bush’s Secretary of Defense.  Yay!

 

10 May 1989 Friday

Another beautiful day but boy is my hay fever kicking in. I’m going to have to make an appointment soon for some allergy relief before I get as sick as I was last year.

I have a new student. I got her last Tuesday but she came today. Now I have twenty-six students still down from the thirty I began with at the first of the school year. Susan McCoy dropped me off downtown and there I discovered that my wallet was missing. I wonder if it fell out of my pocket while I had the kids outside for P.E. and I was doing calisthenics with them or maybe its still in the classroom. Who knows? Only thing important in it was my driver’s license and bus pass and since I don’t drive I miss my bus pass more.

Later in the evening I went up to the University of Utah and sat in the sauna and afterwards cruised OSH. Nothing going on there that I could see. It was such a beautiful night out that I just walked on home.

I went to bed by ten thirty. I took some antihistamines that Michael Anderson had left here two years ago before going to bed because my eyes were itchy. I never did see my letter to the editor in the Tribune so they probably didn’t print it. Oh well. 

Additional Material

·          SENATE PANEL OKS BILL FOR DATA ON `HATE CRIMES'  Washington Bureau A bill co-sponsored by Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, to collect data on "hate crimes" by white supremacist and other groups sailed through the Senate Judiciary Committee Thursday. It passed by a unanimous voice vote after short debate. It now goes to the full Senate for consideration. The bill sponsored by Hatch and Sen. Paul Simon, D-Ill., would require the attorney general to collect data for the next five years about crimes - including murder, rape and assault - that show evidence of prejudice based on race, religion, sexual orientation or ethnicity. © 1998 Deseret News Publishing Co.

 

 

11 March 1989 Saturday

I slept in until nearly ten thirty this morning. Surely I was knocked out by the hay fever drugs I took last night. I was only wakened by the telephone ringing when I had a call from John Reeves. We visited for nearly a half an hour. I let him know about my plans for the summer. He also wanted to do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall on forming a political action committee. He is getting involved in the political process back there in Boston. 

After I got dressed for the day, Allan Peterson dropped by. He’s apartment hunting because he got a full time job down here in Salt Lake City. I let him know where I was emotionally with Unconditional Support and that I am suffering burn out. No, more than burn out- a nuclear meltdown. I am on my way to china if I don’t get some relief even if it’s a break from everything.

After Allan left I took the bus to Smiths at 8^th and 9^th.  There I ran across Liza Smart who was at the Historical Society’s meeting on Wednesday. We visited for the longest time and she is a neat woman. She wants to get involved with the publicity aspect of Beyond Stonewall, especially within the women’s community.

I spent a lot of the afternoon down at the Radio City Lounge visiting with Jon Merrill and Curtis Robinson. There, some drunk fag basher came into the bar and started getting belligerent. Curtis was ready to jump down his throat but Jon asked us not to goad him on. That was the first time I ever saw that in a Gay Bar. We have no safe spaces evidently.

Anyhow I left around six thirty and was home by seven. I thought about going down to the Deerhunter but I was already tired and also Doug Fenstermacher had dropped by to visit. I fed him some dinner and gave him a massage. He’s such a sweet man and I could really fall for him if he wasn’t already involved with Don Penrose.

 After he left I went to bed by ten. When I checked my phone messages I heard that Billy Bikowski had left a message on the Info Line for Chris Brown. A friend of his had been arrested Friday at Orson Spencer Hall for misconduct. I gave the message to Chris.

 

12 March 1989 Sunday

It was another beautiful day and not at all cold like the weathermen had predicted. I went to my Quaker meeting and saw Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen there. I told them about Grant Cheever paying for the membership of the historical society in the Gay and Lesbian Community Council for voting privileges.

After the meeting I walked over to Memory Grove and laid out in the sun and read the newspaper. I enjoy Memory Grove but it does make me miss the good times I had with Ken Francis there a lot.  I stayed at the park until one thirty and then walked  on back home. I didn’t do much else before getting ready to do a program on KRCL.

Ben Barr picked me up at six but Becky never showed up until seven thirty. It was frustrating because Ben had to leave to attend another meeting even though it was nice just visiting with him about gossip at the Foundation. While waiting I gave him a nice neck and back massage. When Jim Rieger showed up at seven, he and I did a show about the AIDS Quilt that is coming to Salt Lake next week. We interviewed Don Steward who is on the committee helping it come to the Salt Palace. Jim engineered the show while I did the interview. It was the first time I ever did a show without Becky engineering. When she did finally show up we did two more half hour shows.

One was on condoms and Gay teenage suicides. The other was just a generic program on Gay lifestyles. I was out of there by ten and in bed. I am just pooped.

Thursday Becky, Jim, and I will be interviewing people’s reaction to the AIDS Quilt for another program next Wednesday after this coming week. I am really suffering from burn out but I have to get an ad into the Triangle for a dance in April.

Additional Material

·         S.L. POLICE PROBING ASSAULT INCIDENT  Salt Lake officers Saturday were trying to determine what led two teenage boys to the rooftop of an east-side duplex in an incident that left a California man injured. A 14-year-old runaway from a Provo foster home was being held at the Decker Lake juvenile detention center in connection with the incident that began Friday night in Memory Grove. Robert Toolson, 48, Pacific Palisades, Calif., had been visiting his mother at her Avenues apartment. It is not clear, however, exactly how he met up with the 18-year-old and 14-year-old boys. Toolson told officers he left the residence about 9:30 p.m. Friday and was going around a curve in the road through Memory Grove when two teenagers on bicycles pounded on the door of his rented four-wheel-drive vehicle. The Californian said he stopped the car and the 14-year-old boy opened the passenger door, according to a police report. The older teen said his companion was having an asthma attack and would die if he did not get home. But the teens told officers they requested a ride from the man after they had been drinking, the report said. And they contend a struggle ensued after Toolson assaulted the 14-year-old, who was sitting in the front seat. The man told police that when he got to South Temple and E Street, he asked the boys to get out of the car. Toolson said he felt threatened by the teenagers, especially the older one who said he had a gun, the report said. The ride ended at Eight East and Second South, where Toolson was hit in the head with a block of wood, according to the report. The two teens ran away. Officers were called to the intersection by a neighbor who reported the incident as an assault, the report said. An officer spotted two teenagers and chased them to a duplex at 208 S. Eight East, said Sgt. Art Healey. The two teens on the roof threw bricks at officers and said they had a gun. The department's special weapons team was called. After three hours with a trained negotiator, a 14-year-old boy, clad in sweat pants and sneakers,  climbed down with his 18-year-old companion. No weapons were found except for "a bunch of bricks," said Lt. Bill Gray, Special Emergency Response Team commander, who oversees the eight-member weapons team.

 

13 March 1989 Monday

The weather has changed once again and it’s really cool out. I did not find my wallet up at school so it really must be lost this time. Oh well. At school I made some decorations for the community dance this March.  When Susan McCoy took me home I had her drop me at the Central City Community Center where I finished paying the deposit for the dance and also made a reservation for April 22^nd for our dance in April.

 I then walked to my bank to have them issue me another instant cash card for the money machine. I will have to get my driver’s license replaced over the Easter Break. I went to the library to turn some books back in and realized that I can’t check out anymore books until I replace my library card.

In the evening I stayed home and made decorations for the dance while watching ALF, Katie and Alice, Murphy Brown and Designing Women. James Conrad called me and we visited a little. He was singing the blues having been the one that broke it off with Frank Fatah True this time.

 

14 March 1989 Tuesday

I was really tired today and had to stay at Sunset until five this afternoon for this In-Service class, we have to take to supposedly make us better teachers. I really didn’t get back to Salt Lake City until almost six. 

Jon Vrban came over last night and stayed until eleven. That is why I think I’m so tired. I am also seriously considering breaking off with him. Last night he asked if I knew Derek Streeter. I was surprised but only said yes. He wanted to know a little about him because Duane Dawson fixed him up with a date with Derek. I said Derek has his faults but I couldn’t see any reason for him not to go out with Derek. I told him I had some personal problems with Derek but I think on the whole, he’s okay. Ever since Derek got this “Spy” reputation I have thought of him as an underdog and I feel sorry for him.

  Anyway the more I thought of Jon and me, the madder I became. I always thought Jon was just too busy with work and school to date anyone or for us to go out but now that I know that he is dating and going out with others, I feel used.

Billy Bikowski just wanted my nurturing skills. Jon just wants me for sex. I am getting sick of people just using me and not giving me back anything I might need. Neither Billy or Jon would ever kiss me. They didn’t love me. Not really.

I walked over to the Crossroads Urban Center around six and did some Treasurer work for the Community Council with Chuck Whyte. I told Chuck that the Secretary Treasurer position should be divided in to two positions with the Vice Chair taking some of the work. It’s just too much work for one person.

While there I used Chuck’s computer to generate an ad for the Spring April dance to go into the Triangle.

I stayed for about a half hour at the Unconditional Support meeting. Ray Nielson was leading and he makes Ken Francis seem like a mental giant. Both incredibly sweet guys though.

I was tired probably why I am so bitchy and walked home to bed by nine. 

 

 15 March 1989 Wednesday

I bought a ten speed bike from Susan McCoy tonight for $50. It had belonged to Floyd who paid $250 for it originally. I am so excited about having wheels again. We left right after faculty meeting so I was home by four thirty.

On my door was taped a note from Jim Hunsaker wanting me to go with him to the Candlelight procession tonight. He also asked me to go with him looking for a rattan bathroom cabinet so I did. While out with him I bought a lock for my bike too.

We walked together from the Juel Apartment over to St. Mark’s Cathedral and we were there around six fifty and it was already packed. We barely got a seat because there were probably five hundred people in attendance. The service was really moving.

Towards the end,  before we got up to join the march, Curtis Robinson came and joined us. We went outside with our lit candles and were at the head of the procession. The Salt Lake Police had estimated that only fifty people would attend the march. My, weren’t they way off by ten fold. 

Curtis and I walked down South Temple while holding each other and it was so beautiful. The weather held up for all of it. I can’t remember other candlelight processions in Salt Lake City. The energy was tremendous as we march right past Temple Square. I thought about the social significance of us walking arm in arm in front of Utah’s Kremlin. The march ended at symphony Hall with us singing We Shall Overcome.

Additional Material

·         QUILT REFLECTS COMPASSION, DIGNITY DUE AIDS VICTIMS Some of the names Rock Hudson, Liberace, Roy Cohn, Michael Bennett - are easily recognizable. others aren't. But each of the names prominently displayed on the nearly 9,000 panels of the Names Project Quilt, which arrived in Salt Lake City Wednesday, represents someone whose life was cut short by the deadly AIDS virus. Each panel in the ornate quilt represents about 18 percent of the deaths from AIDS in the United States. For each panel in the quilt, 4.5 other people have died. But local sponsors of the display - the Utah AIDS Foundation and the People with AIDS Coalition of Utah - say that the purpose of the quilt is "to bypass the statistics surrounding AIDS and to emphasize the compassion and dignity due those directly impacted, their families and friends."  The giant quilt, a tribute to those who have died of AIDS, is beginning its 1989 U.S./Canadian tour in the Salt Palace March 16-19. But the real beginning of the labor of love was in San Francisco after a candlelight memorial service in 1985 prompted participants to attach to a government building cardboard pieces with names of friends or loved ones who had died of AIDS. Cleve Jones, now executive director of the Names Project, conceived the idea of a giant quilt consisting of panels bearing names of those who have died of AIDS. It was to be a vehicle to spread a message of compassionate awareness around the world. In 1987 when Jones teamed up with Mike Smith to organize the Names Project Foundation, the response from around the world was immediate. Sewing workshops were set up and people contributed the 3-foot by 6-foot cloth memorials of their husbands, wives, sons, daughters, lovers and children who had died of AIDS. The panels, as varied as the lives they commemorate, are made of everything from clear vinyl, leather, shirts, shower curtains, afghans, cremation ashes, stuffed animals, photographs, incense, mink, merit badges, fishnet hose, Mardi Gras masks, pearls and lots of sequins. There's a 100-year-old quilt panel, and another panel is fashioned from a Buddhist's saffron robe. A Barbie doll is displayed on another of the panels, which collectively contain 28,184 feet (5.34 miles) of fabric. The quilt will be displayed in the Salt Palace through March 19 at 9 p.m. when several Utah panels will be added. The quilt weighs 16 tons and represents all 50 states and 13 foreign countries. The Names Project does not allow admission to be charged to view the quilt. But Geoffrey Baer, media coordinator, Utah AIDS Foundation, said donations that are made will stay in Salt Lake City to provide help (food, shelter, medical services) to people with AIDS. The goal is to raise $5,000 for these services. In conjunction with the quilt's arrival, an interfaith candlelight healing service will be held March 15 at 7 p.m. in St. Paul's Episcopal Cathedral, 231 E. First South. The service at St. Mark's is for people with AIDS and for people who care about people with AIDS," said the Very Rev. William Maxwell, dean of the cathedral. "Healing comes in many forms and not always as an immediate physical healing, but a healing of the spirit of the individual. "Likewise, all of us who have been touched by AIDS in any way need healing; healing from fear, grief, anger, guilt, loneliness, all of the emotions which enter our lives when someone we know - and especially someone we love - is diagnosed or dies from AIDS." Following the service a candlelight procession will go from the cathedral, down South Temple to the Arts Center. The quilt display will officially open at 5 p.m. March 16.

 

16 March 1989 Thursday

At school we held our Sixth Grade Science Fair for most of the afternoon. Susan McCoy was for the PTA meeting tonight so I took the bus home. It was so slow going tonight and it took nearly two hours to get home.

 I then grabbed something to eat before getting ready for the opening ceremony for the Names Project. I took another bus downtown to meet up with Jon Merrill and Curtis Robinson in front of the Radio City. We all wanted to go together. Steve Oldroyd was in the bar and he joined us.

The Quilt was displayed in the Assembly Hall of the Salt Palace where Coronation is held.  Curtis said you could feel the energy level in the air surrounding the event. The walkways were laid out but the center squares were empty until the unfolding. Many of the 12 feet by 12 feet panel squares were already hanging on the walls including twenty-five individual panels of Utahns which were displayed on the stage wall; including the one I made for Michael Spense. That made me proud that I made a quilt panel even as busy as I am.

It was a somber atmosphere within the Salt Palace as if at a funeral. At seven this evening the unfolding ceremony began.

David Sharpton was the conductor of the event and introduced the dignitaries who read off the names of people who had died of AIDS, as the unfolders laid out the squares to fill the empty spaces. Some of the unfolders who I knew David Malmstrom, Chuck Thomas, Ric Belnap, Erik Meyers, his lover Rod, Neil Hoyt, Garth Chamberlain, and many, many more that I just can’t recall as I write this.

The emotions and senses, of those participating, were reeling. I didn’t think I’d cry after seeing the Quilt in Washington DC but I did. 

On stage, reading names, were Mayor Palmer DePaulis, his wife, Bruce Lindsey from KSL, Cathleen Block from KUTV, Bruce Barton, Ben Barr, Bruce Harmon, Larry White of the Golden Spike Empire, and many, many more.

The unfolding ceremony lasted about an hour then people began to mill around on the walkways between the squares.  Curtis and I walked arms around each other and looked at the colorful and tragic memorial. While I was viewing panels I came upon Clair Harward’s panel. I burst into tears. I didn’t know someone had done one for him.

It was a very emotional evening with people weeping, consoling and hugging each other.  On a section of the quilt where we allowed to write, I wrote the name of Mark Bluto from the Restoration Church.

The TV cameras were rolling everywhere and even Becky Moss and Jim Rieger were doing interviews for Sunday’s taping for Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I was too choked up to even attempt to do interviews.

So very many  names and yet only a forth of the quilt was on display which even in its entirety only represented a fifth of everyone who has died from AIDS. And some say I’m not supposed to be radical nor political when the government has spent more on finding a cure for male pattern baldness than a cure for AIDS.

I walked home by myself in a slow steady drizzle. Even the heavens are weeping.

Additional Material

·         S.L. MAN SERVING 1-15 YEARS FOR '88 SLAYING A Salt Lake man is serving one to 15 years in Utah State Prison after admitting he killed a Holladay man in Jordan Park last summer. Jacob Timothy Martinez, originally charged with second-degree murder, pleaded guilty to manslaughter, a second-degree felony, in the death of Gordon Winslow, 46, who was shot with a .22-caliber revolver July 10.Witnesses told police they heard gunshots and saw two men kicking another man on the ground. The two men fled. The victim got into his van and attempted to drive away but crashed into a fence. He died a short time later  (DN)

 

17 March 1989 Friday St. Patrick’s Day

It was a long, emotional day after yesterday’s viewing of the AIDS Quilt. I was glad that Susan McCoy had to get home early because I was so exhausted. I lay down on the camelback couch as soon as I got home and was unable to get animated for the rest of the evening. I was so emotionally drained.

So I cut out decorations for our dance next Saturday for the rest of the evening.

I was going to go back down to the Salt Palace for the live presentation between nine and ten but as I said I was wiped out. Instead i watched it on Chanel 2 News and I was glad I did. They did a documentary on the Quilt showing Wednesday’s Candlelight march, the unfolding ceremony, and a little bit about the Utah panels.

I was shown with Curtis Robinson as we walked arm in arm in the Candlelight procession Wednesday. I have to get a copy of the video because almost everyone I know is captured on film. It was like a family album. I was crying throughout the program. I am glad I stayed home to watch it.

I was in bed by ten thirty really, really tired

 

18 March 1989 Saturday

I was up early around seven thirty this morning to clean my place. It was in really bad shape and I did my wash. About ten, I decided that it would be nice to make come cookies for the volunteers at the Salt Palace so I made about six dozen oatmeal applesauce cookies. I also called Ben Barr to see if it would appropriate to bring cookies and he said certainly just bring them through the back.

So I took another bus downtown and was there by noon. I was to be a reader of names at noon with John Terrill. That was a powerful experience and I really tried to choke back the tears when reading the list with just all the single names of Bill or Billy. There must have been thirty of them or more and to read one after another nearly broke my heart. I stayed at the Names Project until around two thirty this afternoon. Leaving the Salt Palace I walked over to the Radio City to kill some time before catching the bus to Smith’s. Curtis Robinson was there as was Jon Merrill who was bartending. It was good to get away from all the sorrow and laugh and tell some jokes.

 My favorites are “Why are Mormons buried thirty feet underground?” “Because deep down they are really good people” “What’s the difference between a pig and a Mormon?” “There are some things a pig just won’t do.”

There were two nice guys, Wayne Elliott and Kerwin, sitting with us telling us these jokes. I was only going to stay about a half hour but I got to having so much fun I stayed until five before catching a bus that went directly to Smith’s without me having to transfer.

I had to be back at the Salt Palace  by seven to read off some more names so I rode my newly acquired bike rather than take a bus. Names of people who had died of AIDS was consistently read although the day and evening and we had to take turns reading to avoid fatigue. One of the names I read off was John Glorioso. He was a Quaker. Rocky O’Donovan the sweet thing, cried in my arms

 I stayed at the Names Project until closing at nine at night. I added Charles Van Dam’s name to the panel you could write on.

 I spent much of my time in the company of Ben Barr and David Sharpton who both looked exhausted.

 At the Salt Palace I came across Darrell Webber who was with Mike Casey and Erik “Chase” Carlson. They wanted me to go with them to see the Rocky Horror Show at the Blue Mouse. Since both Mike and Chase were virgins I agreed to go with them.

I rode my bike home in the rain and then Darrell came by to pick me up. Darrell had a scar on his cheek and I asked him how he got it. He said about two weeks ago a man he picked up while cruising on State Street pulled a knife on him and stabbed him.

Yesterday Mark Lamar called me all upset because he was attacked while walking home from a bar back in Indiana. This black man just hit him for no apparent reason except that it was obvious Mark is Gay. Thank God Mark was near his home and didn’t get beat up.

Anyhow we went out to dinner at the “Other Place” but I just had coffee. Michael bought everyone else’s dinner. He would have bought mine if I would have eaten. I was tiffed at Chase because I think he’s really using Mike because he has a good income from working in the oil fields near Casper, Wyoming.

 Mike is about 45 years old, a little portly but nice and just coming out. Chase is twenty two and works as a waiter and I think he’s just using Mike as a sugar daddy. Oh Well. It’s not my business.

Darrell said Chase even moved in with Mike. People are so vulnerable their first year out. Rocky Horror was fun as usual at the Blue Mouse and it was three in the morning before I went to bed.

 

19 March 1989 Sunday

I slept in until nearly noon. I didn’t make it to Quaker Meeting because of the weather. It rained and drizzled all day. Surely the heavens are weeping over us.

 It was so warm and beautiful the night of the Candlelight Procession but has misted or rained ever since.

I finished putting clear contact paper on all my decorations for the dance next Saturday. I made faeries, elves, mushrooms, unicorns, frogs, and toadstools to decorate the walls with. It should be fun.

Around four in the afternoon  there was a break in the weather so I rode my bike on down to the Salt Palace and stated there for nearly another two hours visiting with folks I knew.

About five thirty, Cecilia from Metropolitan Community Church came up to me to ask about the dimensions of the panels because she wanted to make one for Stephen Baustrad. I asked “Stephen? Dead?”  and she said, “Didn’t you know? He passed away February 28^th in Phoenix of AIDS.” I just then burst into tears and held her as I cried. Stephen dead? And what a place to hear about it. I just cried and cried and thought how much I really hated all this death around me.

About six thirty this evening I rode my bike down to the KRCL studios to do a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I wanted to be done by eight to go back to the Salt Palace to see the closing ceremony but we didn’t get finished until nine fifteen at night.

It was a wonderful program with interviews from people’s reactions to the opening ceremonies. It was a nice tribute and I dedicated the show to Ben Barr and David Sharpton and all the many volunteers who helped made this event possible.

 There’s too many emotions swirling around me to even articulate just one and write it down. They are so, so elusive and they melt away as soon as I start to write.

It’s been powerfully draining the past five days, seeing so many friends at the Names Project crying and mourning. It felt a lot like a family reunion or perhaps, a funeral.

At home after doing the program I called Mom and Dad. They had just returned from a trip to Texas. Mom said Grandma is getting so feeble. She just lays up at the rest home in Littlefield and cries to go home to the farm at Hart Camp..

 

20 March 1989 Monday

The first day of Spring. Yay! I survived another fucking Utah winter. I don’t care if I die in the Spring, summer, or fall but please God not in the winter. Ugh!

Back to school and I was so glad it was an early out day for the kids.

I was home by four thirty in the afternoon and I took a nap until five thirty. I should have slept more but I wanted to go to the library to look up books on African Art because we are studying that continent in Social Studies.  I m going to have my student make Africa shields in art so I need designs. I stayed there until around six thirty then walked on home.

I wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union but I missed the seven thirty bus so I took the eight fifteen one. I don’t know why I bothered. When I got there at eight thirty this evening, there was a note on the classroom door saying they ended early and were over at the Union Building having coffee. The only reason I went up at all was to announce the dance this Saturday.

However when I walked over to the Union Building no one was there I knew except Joe Dewey and Garth Chamberlain who were involved in a game of chess. I talked to Garth briefly but Joe didn’t even have the courtesy  to look up to say hi as if I didn’t even exist. I really do think he’s worthless and a self centered jerk. Perhaps when he grows up he’ll change. 

I left and just walked on home feeling rather blue, hating being in Utah and feeling unappreciated and unloved. I’m tired of living alone but on the other hand I’m glad to be living alone.  I want friends but I am tired of starting all over again as people move away or die. I am missing Billy Bikowski and hating him at the same time. I am a bundle of conflicting emotions.

At home I called Steve Brackenbury in California, perhaps just to link up with someone from the past who might understand how I am feeling. Time changes everything. After getting off the phone with Steve,  I read from my journal from 1986 until I went to bed at eleven thirty. I should not have stayed up so late. I’ll pay for it tomorrow.

 

21 March 1989 Tuesday’

It seemed like a Wednesday all day to me for some reason. After getting home from work, I went right over to the Crossroads Urban Center on 4^th East. I was tired because of the In-Service class I am taking now. It’s from three fifteen until four forty five.

            Anyway at Crossroads I received the Gay and Lesbian Community Council’s minutes from Chuck Whyte and typed them all up. I stopped at seven to attend Unconditional Support to make an announcement about the dance this Saturday and gave out some information on the Human Rights Campaign Fund.

After making my announcements I went back upstairs and typed until eight then went back down..

Billy Bikowski was at the meeting but I tried not to let him distract me. The topic of the meeting for tonight was on people’s reaction to the AIDS Quilt. Robert Smith brought his roommate Troy Lunt to the meeting for the first time.

After the meeting Mike Casey was going to lower the seat on my bike but I guess it takes a stupid Allen wrench. So I’ll have to wait until next week. Oh well I am used to a sore butt.

Billy came over to my bike to see if he could help. I didn’t ask him to so he left, then stopped and turned and gave me a sad look. I just gave him a slight resigned sigh and a look that said, “I know it’s over between us and there’s nothing we can do but I wish you well.” 

I stopped in for coffee at Dee’s for a brief minute. While there Rocky O’Donovan and Darrell Webber paid their registration fees for Beyond Stonewall in full tonight.

 

22 March 1989 Wednesday

I am glad to see this day end at school. I was dragging my ass so much. I am really going to enjoy my four days off this week for Easter Break.

I was home by five this afternoon and I spent most of the time cleaning my apartment for the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society business meeting.  Liza Smart, Robert Smith, Rocky O’Donovan and I spent about three hours going over our articles of incorporation with them finally agreeing to let me write them up and then go over them with everyone next Wednesday at Liza’s place.  I really like her. Perhaps kindred spirits. I don’t know.

We decided to move our meetings of the Historical Society to the last Wednesday of each month.  It was a good productive meeting. I love building community and this historical society is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time anyway. I gave Robert Smith a facilitator application to do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall.

 

 

23 March 1989 Thursday

I went into work this morning with Susan McCoy until one this afternoon. It was a Career Ladder day and the kids are all off but I was delighted that Jeremiah Kite came up to school to see me. That touched my heart because it makes all the low pay and bull shit worth it to know that you‘ve made a difference in someone’s life. If I didn’t mean something to that boy he would never have taken the time to drop by to see me. Maybe he realized how much I cared for him and wanted him to achieve something in life. 

After getting home from Sunset, I went over to Crossroads Urban Center from two until five making thirty six copies of the minutes, stapling them, and stamping envelopes to mail out to paid members and organizations of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council.  So glad that is done.

It was a fairly warm day and I rode my bike around for exercise. It’s supposed to rain on Easter but if it’s warm tomorrow I’m going to lay out in the sun.

Gay Fathers was pleasant because I met a fascinating man also named Bill. He’s about six feet four inches tall, dark hair, highly masculine profile. Good looking but sensitive. I can tell. He has Strong powerful hands and I would like to give him a massage. He’s just coming out and I am strongly attracted to him. I only went to the meeting to give John Bush the checks for Beyond Stonewall I’ve received but after seeing this man I decided to stay. He’s from Brigham City and had just separated from his wife. I hope he will be okay. He’s staying with Beau Chaine so Uh Oh. Beau says he’ll be starting up a new catering business this fall for the Gay help line. 

 

24 March 1989 Friday

I cleaned my apartment a little and did some errands this morning but mostly suffered from hay fever. I don’t know what kicked it in but I am miserable and doped up. Some daffodils are up and the lilac bushes are just beginning to bud but that’s all. I’m taking Benadryl and antihistamines and bee pollen pills and I’m still miserable. Ugh.

I went up to the University of Utah and sat in the sauna for a long time and that seemed to help a lot. I just feel drugged out. 

Well some history was made here in Utah up at the University. Some scientists were able to create fusion at room temperature. They say cold fusion will possibly change the way we live and use energy. That would be wonderful. When the capitalists can figure out a way to make money off of it and not take an economic dive because of its investment in oil perhaps we will see something come of this yet.

In the evening I watched Mary Martin in Peter Pan. I remember first seeing it in 1955 on TV. The next day at the doctors I remember asking my mother if we could watch it again. She said may be in ten years. I never saw it again until  tonight. “ I’ll never go grow up never grow up not me.”

I was so strung out that I didn’t go out or anything. I went to bed by ten.

I keep thinking about Bill from Brigham City.

 Fran sent me an Easter Card filled with jelly beans ha! And a small name tag. It surely doesn’t feel like Easter break to me.

 

25 March 1989 Saturday

What a lousy stinking day. I slept in until ten this morning. I think I am still drugged out on all the hay fever medicine I am taking.

I spent much of the morning calling people to remind them about the community dance tonight. I don’t know why I bothered. I just could not get energized this morning or in the afternoon but I did drag myself downtown to the Radio City. It wasn’t very fun today, probably because of my rotten attitude. I just felt blah.

 I left there and went down to the city library to look up a book for Bill from Gay Fathers and I also cruised a little. Never too tired for that.

I was home by six to start rounding up stuff and decorations I made for the dance. Darrell Webber said he’d pick me up at eight and when he did we went to the store to get some punch and cookies.

We were at the Central City Community Center by eight thirty this evening and I started decorating the multipurpose space. When Allan Peterson breezed in, his attitude was like “I’m here now! What do you want me to do?” No take any initiative on his part at all. So I said help move tables to open the dance floor but they stood around and all Darrell and Allan could talk about was their cruise they are going to go on together.

 I was just frantic trying to get all the decorations up by nine when the dance was suppose to begin. However Richard Morris didn’t even show up with his equipment and music until right at nine and it took a half an hour to set up all his speakers and sound board. I was getting more and more frustrated by the minute as people were coming and milling around complaining that there was no music.

Finally it was nearly ten before the dance really got on the way and about then the rickety table that Darrell had set the refreshments on collapsed when some people were leaning on it. Punch spilled all over the floor but at least the glass bowl didn’t shatter.

I saw it happen and just sat down discouraged. People were looking at me like “Aren’t you going to take care of this too?” Allen looked at me and I said to him, “I’m not cleaning it up”.  But the spill sat there for fifteen minutes with no one bothering to clean it up so I thought “Oh fuck it”. I went and retrieved a mop and bucket and swabbed it all up myself. I was so mad.

Allen, Darrell, and Ray Nielson are the officers of Unconditional Support and none of them even bothered to lift a finger to help clean up the mess. By ten forty five at night most of the young people had left the dance and at eleven I told Darrell I was going home and they could lock the place up.

Unconditional Support made about $100 tonight and while that is wonderful what am I getting out of it? I guess I am expected to just be an old work horse, an old nag so that the young thoroughbreds can cavort with each other.

 I miss Chris Brown and Dave Malmstrom when we worked as a team on these dances. They weren’t afraid to work. I am through with my last community dance. I’ve thrown my last one. I hoped they enjoyed it.

After walking home to the Juel on 6^th East, I stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live in my basement apartment. So I didn’t get to bed until nearly one thirty in the morning.

At two thirty in the morning I woke up choking from my hay fever because I couldn’t breathe lying down. I got up and went to the front room feeling so awful and congested. I hate spring in Utah for what it does to my allergies. Ugh.

I hated today. All throughout the dance I just wanted to go outside and scream in pure frustration but no, the show must go on. I’m just tired of caring more than others do.

 

26 March 1989 Sunday Easter

It rained and drizzled all day which was very reflective of my dreary mood. I didn’t make it to church because of the rain. I didn’t go anywhere nor call anyone.

 I watched Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, which is one of my favorite thrillers, for most of the afternoon. During an interlude from the rain, I decided to get out and I rode my bike down to the Radio City because Jon Merrill was going to be working Easter Day and there he was dressed as his drag persona as Dixie.

 It was pretty depressing let me tell you spending Easter Sunday in a Gay Bar in Salt Lake City. Forlorn hope. I did spend much of the time visiting with Steve Oldroyd. He’s upset because he just got a one week notice for his job ending. Anyway I decided I did not want to spend Sunday evening in a bar so I came home and then walked up to the Affirmation Meeting in the Unitarian Church. Besides I had a lot of information I had to give Neil Hoyt from the Community Council.

I mainly visited with Dave Malmstrom about how things are going on in the community. I told him that trying to get anyone to assume responsibility in Unconditional Support is like pulling teeth. He said the same about Chuck Thomas because evidently he’s not much of a go getter either.

Russ Lane was at the meeting tonight and it was just about three years ago that I got him a job at Utah Title so he could stay in Utah. Billy Bikowski showed up too but I just ignored him so he couldn’t bruise my heart and I continued on with my conversation with Dave until a video tape from KUED’s AIDS Quarterly program was played. It was a documentary about Malcolm Pace who died from AIDS at the age of 39-years and then we watched  a HBO documentary called “What Sex Am I?” which was about Christine Jorgenson.

When Jeff Wood came into the meeting hall, he motioned to me to come sit next to him so I did. Why I wasn’t sure but he acted really warm to me and sweet. He put his arm around me and ran his fingers through the back on my hair. It felt good to have the attention especially in front of Billy.  I could tell that he was noticing all the affection that Jeff was giving me and at one point he got out of his seat and Billy walked by me brushing against me before taking another seat in front of me so that I would have to look at him.

However I didn’t play into his little game. I had a nice time after all at Affirmation even when Neil Hoyt was being rather snotty to me for some reason. At the end of the meeting he made an announcement about changes being sought by members of Wasatch Affirmation and I enthusiastically said Amen and the Neil sarcastically directed his remarks to me saying “Paid member’s views are considered more valuable than those who haven’t paid up.” And I piped back at him, “There wouldn’t even be an Affirmation to pay dues to if it wasn’t for Ben Williams!” and Russ Lane stated “that’s true.”  So there. 

After the meeting Jeff gave me a ride home so I didn’t have to stick around and dwell on Billy or wonder whether he’s going to offer me a ride or not. I was in bed by ten thirty. Happy Easter.

 

27 March 1989 Monday

It’s the last day of my Easter Vacation and I really didn’t get much accomplished. I made an appointment with my Family Health Plan FHP provider to get some relief from my hay fever. But my bus was so late getting down to 7800 South in Midvale that I had to get off at the Fashion Place Mall to call and cancel my appointment as I knew I’d never get there  in time.

While getting off the bus,  it started to rain so hard that I barely got into a Denny’s to call before it really down poured. I made another appointment for April 10^th at five forty five with FHP. So I spent nearly two hours riding the bus for no reason.

In the late afternoon,  I went up on campus to sit in the sauna to sweat out the pollen in me and it felt so good. While there I met a man who was looking for some action so we got together and I damn nearly had heat stroke before he came, but it was worth it.

I had to be home by six for a dinner date with Jim Rieger from Concerning Gays and Lesbians. He took me to the Samurai Restaurant at Trolley Square and he treated me to dinner. I had vegetable tempura and egg rolls. We sat and visited for about two and a half hours about his life in California where he spends half his time for his work, He’s very witty, intelligent and a charming individual but I never felt any real spark of attraction for him. We walked about Trolley Square afterwards looking at the shops. It was a nice evening.

 

28 March 1989 Tuesday

Back at school and I was dragging all day from the lack of sleep from my hay fever. Then I had an in-service class from three until five so I was really tired by the time I finally got home.

I tried to cat nap a little before attending Unconditional Support but I didn’t really feel all that rested until right before the meeting. So I decided to walk down to the Crossroads Urban Center just in case Bill from Logan might show up but he didn’t. Neither did Billy Bikowski.

The meeting was on Gay Rights and Allen Peterson is so boring. He just doesn’t know how to liven things up or speak in anything but a soft monotone voice. Oh Well. The real objection I have to his style is that he doesn’t give everyone a chance to talk by at least going around the room once so people can comment if they wished to do so.

Steve Oldroyd told me he thought my likening our Salt Lake Gay organizations to forts on the frontier was a wonderful analogy. Bryce Beesley announced he wants to start a couples group for those in a relationship.  Chuck Whyte gave me the GLCCU agenda for next Thursday’s April meeting. He said he wouldn’t be there as he is leaving for San Diego for two weeks.

 After Unconditional Support I went with others to Dee’s for coffee. There Jim Hunsaker and I had an argument over the direction of the Youth Group was going. I finally thought he doesn’t have the faintest notion of how the youth group was formed last year so why bother discussing it with him?

After Dee’s, Mike Casey, came over to my place and he fixed my bike by lowering the seat so it would be more comfortable for me to ride. Now at last it’s really rideable.

My hay fever is acting up again and I’m getting a cold sore on my lip from blowing my noose so much. Don’t ask me how the two are related.

 

29 March 1989 Wednesday

I was a zombie at work today. I was so glad when the faculty meeting was over at four so I could go home. There I slept for about twenty minutes but not nearly long enough. I tried straightening up the apartment. A small place can get messier quicker than a large one.

Then I went over to Liza Smart’s place for a business meeting for the historical society. In attendance were Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Smith, Liza Smart, and myself. We hashed out the articles of incorporation that I had written up and now all we have to agree on are the by-laws.

The Executive Council will be Rocky, Liza and Brook Hallock with Rocky acting as chair and director. . Before leaving, we decided to hold our first Board of Trustees meeting next Wednesday at Curtis Jensen’s house. It was kind of fun creating this new organization. It’s what I like to do. Hopefully one that will last if its built on a good foundation. We worked until ten at night and I was really ready to hit the sack when I made it back home

 

30 March 1989 Thursday

We had our faculty picture taken for the year this morning at school. My hay fever has really kicked din. At home I spent much of the evening making music tapes for the kid’s dance tomorrow. The first tape I made broke so I had to stay up until midnight making another one. I know I will be a basket case tomorrow.

 

31 March 1989 Friday

I was so exhausted this morning plus having major hay fever. Susan McCoy and I had to stop at a store this morning to get some punch for the dance this afternoon. While there I bought more hay fever mega drugs. My eyes were almost swollen shut from allergies. They were so puffy and gross and red and itchy. I almost went home because I was feeling so lousy but decided to stick it out and told the kids that I was in bad shape and just have mercy on me today.

My class lost to Mrs. Pickett’s fifth graders in a state and capitals naming contest. I have to make cupcakes now for her class.

 After school I deposited my monthly check and went up to the University of Utah to sit in the Sauna  to sweat out some of this water I am retaining and is bloating me up. I hate this so much. Yuck. Well this is the end of March. Winter is over and spring is here and I’m still in Utah and I’ll be 38 years old in April.

Today would have been my Grandma Williams’ 87^th birthday.