Fall 4th Quarter Journal 1990 October-December

OCTOBER 1990

1 October 1990 Monday

It’s my third day of my cabbage soup diet. I’ve been really good on it. Wayne Stanger is being a jerk. So, what else is new? Anyway, after coming home, I ate some supper. I was paid today and found out that $113 was still being taken out of my check again for the IRS. When I was finally able to get  through to someone at the IRS who knew what they were doing, she said that the IRS had never received my check from September although it had been deducted from my payroll. She said I need to get a copy of my September check from payroll. So, this is another way to screw me over. I only owe them $103 so I’ve over paid them now $123. After eating dinner, I went over to John Crapo’s place in the Avenues. He has a cute little place. He had this wooden turquoise painted bear totem that he wanted to give to me. That was really sweet. While there, he said that he's thinking about starting up an “Integrity” support group for Episcopalian Gays. John would make a good monk I think. From his apartment I then went over to see Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdin. They said that they are having the women's Sacred Faerie gathering tomorrow. I dropped some of the Faerie ritual totems off, including the broom and some of the chants. Devorah also said that Kathryn Warner aka Luna reserved Lava Hot Springs for November 3rd for a Samhain Festival. On the way home I stopped at the Tri-Arc hotel on 600 South  and cruised the downstairs bathroom that is always busy with something going on. There I picked up this nice looking guy named Fred and went out to my van where I gave him the best blow job of his life. That’s me “Cock Sucker supreme”. The Bridge Magazine published its first issue. I am not especially impressed. I guess David Sharpton and Dick Dotson opened a space on 1300 West as an alternative to Ben Barr’s AIDS Foundation.

Addendum  The Horizon House a new facility for people with AIDS, intended to provide a home-like environment for social gatherings, therapy programs and educational seminars opened Oct. 1 in Salt Lake City.  Horizon House is a non-denominational, "non-political" project that will be run by volunteers on a shoe-string budget, according to Dick Dotson, a Salt Lake City businessman who helped establish the facility. "There can never, ever be paid staff," Mr. Dotson said. "This is a volunteer organization all the way.".   Mr. Dotson saw the need for Horizon House while working as a volunteer for the Utah Aids Foundation. Some people with AIDS, he said, wouldn't take advantage of services offered by the foundation because of its setting. Others were deterred by the foundation's perceived identity as an organization run by, and for, homosexuals. "The few {therapy} groups that were in Salt Lake were held in clinical offices and formal settings which made it uncomfortable for the people with AIDS themselves and their families," he said. Project organizers also plan on "steering away from the gay identity attached to the disease," he added. According to Mr. Dotson, hemophiliacs and children with AIDS have been especially reluctant to patronize the Utah AIDS Foundation. Some services Horizon House will offer have been structured especially for them. Others will be open to any AIDS victim, their families care providers and health care professionals. Among the services now being planned are a weekly social gathering for children; a therapy group conducted by a minister; art therapy; and a Saturday activity for hemophiliac children, intended partly to "give the parents a break." In addition to providing direct services for AIDS sufferers, Horizon House has several other missions: To encourage collaboration between AIDS and health-related agencies in developing services and support programs; to encourage such agencies to develop cost-effective programs by minimizing overhead and program duplication; and to develop an "emotional and psycho-social response to the  AIDS epidemic . . . " Horizon House will be administered by a 15-member board of directors who include Mr. Dotson, health care professionals, an AIDS victim, a high school student who has worked with AIDS sufferers and representatives of several community agencies (09/24/90  New AIDS Center to Offer Patients Dignity, Privacy  Byline: Anne Wilson Tribune Staff Writer  Page: B1 (Copyright 1990)

2 October 1990 Tuesday

It’s German Unification Day. The world and its cold war conflicts as I have known them all my life have changed.  East and West Germany are now One Germany and there’s no Soviet bloc  anymore. Perhaps  eventually there will be no Soviet Union . President Bush  was on TV tonight to beg the American people to support his compromise Tax budget bill  that raises the gasoline tax when it already cost $1.37  a gallon now from only 99 cents last May. His budget would cut Medicare and yet won’t increase taxes on the super-rich.  In the evening just stayed home and watched Roseanne while  Mike Pipkin went to his Mayan New Age Spirituality class tonight and the women are having their Sacred Faerie Circle. I believe that the men will have theirs this Saturday out at the Great Salt Lake.

3 October 1990 Wednesday

I experienced powerful magick today when Erick Meyers came over this evening and read my Rose Chakra aura and to have his medicine cards read. As a side note I found out that Erick’s real surname is Campbell. I really must have a slight prejudice against Germans because when I found out that he was actually Scottish my attitude towards him change. Anyway, Erick came over at 7 o’clock and Mike Pipkin went over to Steve Oldroyd’s  so we were left alone. I read to him his medicine cards and he is the first person for whom I've read the cards which had Armadillo medicine in his spread. Armadillo is a symbol for boundaries. His cards were snake, armadillo, buffalo, grouse, badger, rabbit, turkey, otter and one more that as I am writing this I can't of what it was. His main totem was Buffalo like Becky Moss. The Buffalo is a symbol of prayer and abundance. Since we both have badger “Aggressiveness” in our spread, I think that is why sometimes we step lightly around each other even though I am actually rather fond of Erick. After reading him his medicine cards, Erick said that he wanted to read me my Rose Chakra which turned out to be a powerful experience for me. We went into my bedroom and sat in chairs facing each other. We walked through a meditation before he centered me and focused his spiritual eye on me. He said he saw me as a flower. The flower was a Calla Lilly which I never would have seen for myself but as Erick explained what he saw, I was deeply touched. He said that as a Calla Lilly I was not part of a field or bunch of flowers but I stood alone on a firm stem with my roots deep into the rich black loamy soil, extended deep into the very heart of the Goddess herself. Erick  saw me as having only three leaves on my stem, two were juxtaposed to one another and the third one was further down the stem and smaller. He said that they stood for the clusters of support which feed me. They were my friends, my family, and the smaller leaf by itself were my lovers. My bright yellow pollen rich pistil was tall and erect surrounded by a pure translucent white corolla. Erick saw that other flowers in the garden look towards me as a symbol and yet because I stand alone I seem sad, almost weary of the responsibility. There are other Calla lilies in the garden but not near me and what I seem to be longing for is to be in a field of Calla lilies. Erick's spiritual eye saw that I am an instrument in helping create that field of Calla Lilies. I will make it possible, and when I am surrounded by a sea of Calla Lilies I will not be the color white any longer but will become the most beautiful neon iridescent blue. A neon blue Calla Lilly is what I will become. It was so beautiful to view me as an iridescent blue Calla Lilly. Erick  Meyers said that he was exhausted and that he had never experienced such a powerful reading before. He thanked me for letting him experience and share such a beautiful vision. I know I have something deep inside that separates me from the other flowers in the garden? What is it? No flower is better than any other. It takes all kinds to make a beautiful garden and a lovely bouquet. I know from Erick 's vision that I must continue to trust my own instinct with the Sacred Faeries and my role in the Gay and Lesbian Community of Utah. I need to follow my vision. I know what drives me.

4 October 1990 Thursday

Dave Reed dropped by Orchard during my lunch hour and we visited and caught up on things. He told me a curious thing that Billy Bikowski is an emotional drain on him much like Mike Pipkin is for me. That’s too bad because of Dave’s health and how odd it was as that Billy has never been a burdensome like person to me. Anyways, after school I came home and called Derek Siddoway. I asked him if he wanted to go to the Opera at the Capitol Theater next Thursday. Dave  is in the opera as a background person. It is the dress rehearsal for Othello and Dave could get us in for free.  Derek said he had been wondering how he was going to go to the Opera  this year so we must have been on the same wave length.  However, he didn’t commit to me one way or another. I didn’t do much else but I did try to call faeries about the circle this Saturday.

5 October 1990 Friday

I’ve caught a slight cold from my students. The weather has changed as its considerably cooler. I am so frustrated. Last night I went up to the sauna to weigh in and I weighed one pound  more than I did before I started this stupid cabbage diet. I’m up to 203 pounds after starving  and going hungry all this time. I just wanted to cry. Anyway, this evening I went to Community Council. I went with Carla Gourdin and helped her with her wheelchair down the stairs at the church to the meeting hall.  There was a large turn out  with at least fifty people. The only ruckus we had tonight was people from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and from the Youth group. They were bitching that Chuck Whyte’s Unity Show, which is to be a fundraiser for the council, was being held at a bar. They were upset as they felt like they were being excluded from attending. My feelings are that it was pretty chicken shit to go after Chuck just one month  before the show. He’s been putting together these Unity Shows for 7 years and they have always been at the bars because of the Royal Court folks are the main performers. They had a whole year to voice their concerns and work with Chuck to find a suitable venue and yet no one from these two groups lifted a finger to help him at all. I agree in principle that all future activities sponsored by the community council should be  held in accessible places for all members of the community. Kevin Warren is truly a dick with a mile wide persecution complex. He was trying to be as divisive as he possibly could. Rocky O’Donovan was just as bad and even walked out the meeting pouting which was real mature on his part. Anyway, disgraced former Salt Lake County Attorney spoke at the council offering to provide $1000 worth of free legal for the council.  He said something interesting that he was reduced to “milking the mice” rather than being able to get high roller clientele. David Nelson announced that he had written  by-laws for the council  which is a curious statement to make since we already have by-laws. He did not attend the October ’87 meeting at Aardvarks  when we as council members worked out our initial by-laws.   After the meeting  Chuck was feeling very frustrated  by the attacks on his Unity Show so we went to the Deerhunter , but first stopping at Club 108 the old Backstreet, to pick up a banner for the Unity Show. Poor old Chuck, tottering on a bar stool, supported with one hand on his ass and the other on the bar for support. It was kind of symbolic to me I’d think. At the Deerhunter, it wasn’t very crowded for a Friday . Probably everyone was at the SUN  because it’s LDS Conference Weekend. I saw Jack Horsley at the Deerhunter. He’s still a cutie.

6 October 1990 Saturday

I didn’t sleep past 8:30 even though I wasn’t in bed this morning until 3. I wanted to get my haircut so I went to the dollar barber shop on 500 South and 700 East. I had Jodie cut my hair and she is so cool and did such an excellent  job that I gave her a $5 tip.  I also  did some running around today on errands but I was home by noon and tried to get some more sleep  but I was too restless. At 2 o’clock I decided to go buy a VCR player at Silo electronics on State Street as they were having a one day sale. I paid $180 for a demo but I had to go to Radio Shack where I had to buy the cables to attach it to my TV which was another $10.  So now I have a VCR player.  Strange, but I am glad  as now I can invite people over to watch videos. I bought a video tape called Lust in the Dust that had Devine and Tab Hunter in it and I watched a bit of it before people started coming over for the circle. It was so chancy for rain this evening that we decided to hold the Sacred Faerie Circle indoors at my apartment. Bobbie Smith aka Gillian was the Pillar in charge of the circle since he was the Pillar of the West-Autumn. It was the first time he acted as a Pillar. Those who attended were Jon Shields, Erick Meyers aka Buffalo Song, Jimmy  Hamamoto aka Fuku, Bobbie Smith aka Gillian, Mike Pipkin aka Puck, and me. It was a good circle. Powerful. We did a rebirthing ritual for Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku and Buffalo Song whose faerie name actually came to him while in the circle. We drew lots to see who will be the new pillars for the new Turn of the Wheel or New Year which will begin November 1st. I drew the East Pillar, Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku drew the West Pillar, and Bobbie Smith aka Gillian drew the South. No one else in the circle felt like they wanted to act as a Pillar yet. Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku was a little nervous about taking on the responsibilities of a Pillar so soon,  but jump on in. Either you are spiritually prepared or you are not. There's no Faerie 101 course at the University that I know of. Tonight is LDS General Priesthood Conference about 3 blocks from my home. We did an incantation and invoked the Goddesses to bring down Patriarchy and to protect us from the Patriarchal Priesthood.

7 October 1990 Sunday

Former Governor Scott Mathesen died of bone cancer today that he probably got from the atomic bombs being tested in Nevada during the 1950s and 60s.  Last May at the Democratic Party’s plank committee I attended, to make sure sexual orientation was included in the State’s Party platform, he was the chair of the committee  along with Karen Shepherd. Anyway, I argued with him over the inclusion of Gays and Lesbians in the state’s political process. He felt that including us in the Democratic Party would hurt them in Utah but I said  that I felt that it could only help the Democrats as there is a whole slew of people who feel disenfranchised and estranged  from the political process and who don’t vote but would now if included if the democrats adopted the plank.  Both Mathesen and Ted Wilson were non committed to us. Karen Shepherd actually said she felt  “this burden”  should be shared and I retorted that I didn’t consider being Gay a burden. Anyhow old Scott Mathesen died today. I went up to the sauna to weigh myself and I am down to 198 pounds. I am now on  fruit and vegetable diet and I have lost 5 pounds since Thursday. I gave up that St. Joseph Cabbage Soup diet that said you could lose 10 pounds in 3 days. It used to work for me years ago but not anymore. I stayed home this evening watching “A Passage to India” on the VCR player.

Addendum Homosexuals make up the largest percentage of Utah's AIDS population, according to figures compiled by the Utah Department of Health. Since 1983, 325 cases of AIDS have been reported; 188 of the victims have died. Of the reported cases, 69 percent have been homosexuals and 6 percent have been bisexual intravenous drug abusers.  The other 25 percent of Utah AIDS cases have been reported in several populations:16 percent have been IV drug abusers and 3percent were hemophiliacs infected by contaminated blood products. Two percent were heterosexuals that contracted the disease from an infected partner and 3 percent got AIDS through a transfusion. No cause can be determined for 1 percent of the cases.  Dr. Lynn Ford, co-director of Mountain States Regional Hemophilia Center, said two young men are known to have been infected with HIV "from a blood product which was used to treat their hemophilia." She said 40 hemophiliacs in Utah, ranging in age from 9 to mid-50s, are HIV-positive. Thirteen have developed full-blown AIDS, and of these, eight have died. In the general population, Utah Department of Health figures show 325 cases of AIDS reported in the state since 1983; 188 of those individuals have died. Ben Barr, executive director of the Utah AIDS  Foundation, said there are currently an estimated 2,500 Utahns who are HIV-infected. “But that number could be much higher." (10/7/90 E-1)

·         7-14 October 1990-Sunday through Sunday--Photographer Cheri Piefke displayed a photo gallery of People With AIDS at the Utah Museum of Fine Arts. Photographed with their friends and families their images are accompanied by handwritten statements about living with AIDS. Charles Loving, assistant director of the museum, found eight days this month to exhibit the 35 photographs and companion video project entitled "Test of Love: AIDS in Utah."  Exhibit was brought by the word and reputation of  Ms. Cary Stevens Jones, who has been a photographer for a decade, and is executive director of Very Special Arts Utah. She was a co-sponsor of the documentary exhibit with the People With AIDS Coalition of Utah. Discrimination against a co-worker rumored to have AIDS was one reason photographer Cheri Piefke, 39, determined to combine her artistic interests with AIDS issues. She also cites San Francisco Chronicle reporter Randy Shilts' examination of the AIDS epidemic(And the Band Played On) as an essential influence. Besides, said Piefke, "People seem to feel because they live in Utah they are immune from the world”  Through the People With AIDS Coalition, the Utah AIDS Foundation and several physicians, she built contacts over the next six months with young hemophiliacs with  AIDS, with gay men harboring the deadly virus, with women who have passed the disease on to their children, and with the children themselves. She said she tried to meet each person on a personal level and developed closer relationships with some of her subjects. In the process, Piefke said, "I've gotten past prejudices I didn't know I had about IV drug users and homosexuals." Piefke made many of her contacts through Dr. John Christensen, a pediatric infectious disease doctor at the University of Utah Medical Center, and Dr. Tom Evans, director of the Infectious Disease Clinic at the U. Medical Center. A photograph of Evans and his personal statement will be included in the exhibition.   Evans, 35, did his training and residency in San Francisco, and then trained in infectious disease and tropical disease in Virginia.   He came to the U. to be on the faculty in infectious diseases with an emphasis on the human immunodeficiency virus, which causes  AIDS.   He said working with HIV isn't "special," but just another aspect of being a physician. Evans has found a lot of discrimination, both conscious and subconscious, against patients who are HIV-infected. "I think that discrimination doesn't go away until you actually know people or meet people. This exhibit is a way of getting people as close to meeting these patients as possible without actually meeting them and realizing that they're just normal humans who happen to be infected with a virus that causes a prolonged disease. I'm hoping the public will realize HIV is something that affects your next-door neighbor, affects your nephew, can affect your grandmother, can affect anybody. That's the true value of this exhibition."   You will encounter a wide variety of people with AIDS while touring this exhibit. Five-year-old Tyler Spriggs got AIDS from his birth mother, a former intravenous  drug user. He's happily settled with a foster family and recently started preschool, "even though there's a bigger danger for him of picking up a disease," Piefke said. "Tyler knows he's setting an example for making every moment of life worthwhile." In his statement for the show, Tyler commented: "When I get really tired, then I'll go to live with Jesus. But I'm not tired yet." A  recently married 29-year-old woman Peggy Tingey with a daughter, 10, and a son, Chance Tingey 6 months, writes: "It took a week to get the HIV test results.   It was the longest week of my life. The baby and I are positive and my husband and daughter are negative. The guilt is the hardest thing to deal with."  Michael writes about learning of his infection: “My life flashed before my eyes as my best friend quietly embraced me and said he had  AIDS and his life was to be shortened. And thus, mine also."  The mother of two hemophiliac sons, ages 21 and 27, who both have AIDS, writes from a small Utah town: "Hemophilia wasn't so bad - we had learned to live with it - But this   AIDS is bad, and it's a bad feeling. I'm mad as hell - and I don't know who I'm mad at - it isn't easy and it isn't fair." The most intimate photos in the show, according to Piefke, are a series on Randy, who is shown first with his father as he enters a local hospital for a long-term stay. Later, Piefke was summoned to a convalescent center, where the family had gathered for a "goodbye" ceremony before taking Randy off life-support systems. Randy's younger brother Steven led the family in prayer. "We just basically tied into our Catholic roots in a time when we needed stable grounding and belief in something," Steven recalled. "Even in death it makes sense to be hope-filled." -  In seeking "some meaning in Randy's leaving us," Steven said he "used what the Catholic Church has always used to create a powerful statement that our love is there and our love is connected to God's love and it's all the same thing."   At the conclusion of the goodbye ritual, Randy raised his hand "with all the IVs" to clench Steven's. "We were all just silenced by the gesture."   Piefke photographed the family a last time, shortly after Randy's funeral. (10/07/90 `A Test of Love' Museum finds space for pressing exhibit  byline: Ann Poore  Page: E1 (Copyright 1990) E-3

8 October 1990 Monday

Well, I’m back to School. I’m so glad it’s a short week because of the Utah Education Association Convention. My cold is better and I’ve been taking a lot of vitamin C and echinacea.  I’ve also been taking  dandelion root for my liver. I’m still on my diet and it’s my fourth day. After school I went to Mervyns at the Crossroads Mall and bought some sweats that were on sale, a purple top and black bottoms.  I checked out another movie from Albertson’s too, A Fish Called Wanda. It was pretty good. In the news, Congress is still trying to get a budget passed. All the national parks are closed. I just stayed home this evening although the Lesbian and Gay Student Union Conference  started today. I ripped into Angelea Nutt and Kevin Warren last Friday since they like to stir up stuff. I noticed that they listed all the workshop presenters on the program except me.  So, I asked if I was still scheduled to speak  this Thursday. Kevin said  yes and I said “How would I know  that since I’m not listed on the program” Kevin said that the Stonewall Community Center committee wanted it that way. I said bull shit. It’s common courtesy to list the speaker even if he is speaking on behalf of a group. The weather turned much cooler today as it has dropped to 58 degrees. I hate it. I guess it’s time to pull out the sweaters and put away the tee shirts. What’s in my head? I’m not certain. The leaves have all turned a pretty color. I want to lose twenty pounds by the end of the month.

9 October 1990 Tuesday

I was tired for most of the day and didn’t stop to get a drink at the gas station this morning  because I had left my money at home. Anyway, after school, I straightened up the house and thought how much I want to move from Mike Pipkin who seldom helps me and to live alone. I like Mike a lot, but I don’t want to live with him anymore. At 6:30 Dave Reed and I went over to Debbie Rosenberg’s place. She is moving out to move in with Carla Gourdin  so we had to help her move this heavy hide-away bed. It was on the second floor of her building and was a bitch to get it down this L shape flight of stairs because it barely fit.  Becky Moss was there to help also and we were helping the most but we did it. Over at Carla Gourdin, the rest of them  made homemade chicken soup, while I just drank cranberry juice. Becky said that Jim Rieger is back in town. He said he had more friends in Salt Lake then in Ridgecrest, California where he is from. After coming back home with Dave Reed,  I bought some life insurance from him at $25 a month. I needed to start putting some money away. I may never live  to see it or I may be like Grandma Johnson and live forever.  I’m not even sure what kind of insurance I have but it’s with Guardian Life. It was really hard work moving that sofa bed but it was fun being with Becky, Debbie and Dave with whom I talked a lot about Mr. Bikowski.

10 October 1990 Wednesday

School will be out  until Monday. Yay. It’s UEA Weekend but I am not going as it’s not mandatory. The kids have been so much better this year that I’m not completely stressed and worn out to a frazzle like last year.  This morning when I entered the classroom, I noticed several things were a skewed and realized that someone had been in the class last night and had stolen several things. That was rough on the kids who had several personal  things stolen. I really felt bad over that.  In the evening after school, I went over to Bobbie Smith’ place and borrowed a lot of video movies to watch this long weekend and he gave me a real juicy book to read called “The Mormon Murders”  by Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith about Mark Hoffman. I read it real late  into the night as I found the Hoffman and Hinckley connection of the forgery and bombings compelling.

11 October 1990 Thursday

I rode the bus up to the U of U this morning with Bobbie Smith and Jimmy Hamamoto for the Gay and Lesbian Conference being sponsored by the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I was a guest lecturer on the Stonewall Rebellion. I saw Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Ericksen at the Conference sitting with Angela Nutt and Danielle Schaeffermeyer. We visited briefly but it’s hard to keep up a façade. I don't feel close to Rocky any more. I need to work on that. Anyhow I taught my lesson in room 312 and only about 5 people were there but I gave a damn good presentation  and that’s five more who now, who know about Stonewall then they did before. After the conference I came home and cleaned the apartment, getting ready for Derek Siddoway to come over tonight but at 5 o’clock, he called and said that he was swamped at work and with school so he wouldn’t be able to make it to the Opera tonight. I was really disappointed but tried to salvage it by making a date this Saturday to see “Cinema Paradiso” up at the Union Building. I was so disappointed that I needed to just get out of the house so I went up to the U of U Sauna and weighed in at 197 pounds. I also cruised Orson Spencer Hall  before finally getting to bed at midnight. It was a cool snappy fall day. I’ve been reading the Mormon Murders constantly. I can’t put it down.

12 October 1990 Friday

I read for most of the day from Mormon Murders and watched a little TV. Mike Pipkin paid me $50 when  he got home and  then this girl named Mindy Wheeler, who he works with,  dropped by to watch Gay porno. She said she had never seen what men do together and she was curious. At 7 o’clock I went with Chuck Whyte to Club Karrera's for the Royal Court's AIDS benefit featuring the Slip Ups. Walt Larabee, Don Glenn and the gang were fabulous as ever however, a funny or perhaps a better word, a curious thing, happened as I went to the bar counter to buy a drink. This guy commenting on the Babushka scarf that I was wearing said, "You wear it well." That made me smile, so embolden, I gave him a kiss and went back to my table where David Sharpton and his lover Mike  Andgotti were sitting with Chuck and me. David had been in the hospital this week. He said that the virus had hit his spinal column. He didn't look well either but he did say that ACT UP was formed last week. I think David's anger is the only thing keeping him alive so I hope he stays angry forever. Anyway, the man at the bar came over to our table and sat with us and we ended up holding hands throughout the show. We even necked a little. He asked me what my name was and I said Ben and then he asked me my last name and I said "Williams". A slight smile came across his face then and I asked him what was his name and he said "Michael Bryner." I thought, "Oh Shit!". Mike is infatuation with Michael Bryner. All I ever hear is Michael Bryner this and Michael Bryner that, although I had never met him before tonight. He said that he had just called Mike tonight to leave a message for me! He didn't know who I was either except that I was the director of Beyond Stonewall and he wanted to do a workshop next year. What a coincidence! I playfully asked him later in the evening if he had "willed" us to be together tonight. He just laughed but I was serious. He has such an aura of powerful shamanic magick about him. I don't know what to think about this now. I haven't had someone really attracted to me in a while. Michael Bryner let me know right away that he's not as involved with Mike as Mike thinks. It was a strange night out

Addendum Michael Mark Bryner was born June 12, 1950 in Salt Lake City, Utah, to Mark and Grace Bryner. He died of AIDS complications on March 8, 1998. Survived by his partner of more than nine years, John Apel.

13 October 1990 Saturday

I  read from Mormon Murders  for most of the day.  It’s really juicy. I called John Reeves to see how he was doing and to have him read the book when he gets a chance. Mike Pipkin said something about moving in with Mindy Wheeler as a roommate. I hope that works out for him and her.  The weather is gorgeous although I didn’t do much outside today. Tonight, Derek Siddoway stood me up again. I knew he would. I was hoping that he just misunderstood where to meet, so I went to the Union Building on campus and waited. He never showed so I went into the theater anyway and while it was a good flick, I didn’t sit through all of it because I was edgy from being stood up again. I came home at 11 and I am really disappointed in Derek but C’est Le Vie. I think I frightened him when I kissed him and he’s not ready to deal with any real issues in his life. I thought about Michael Bryner a lot today. He left some flowers on the door step while I was out. Mike  thought they were for him.

Addendum The city assistant attorney Larry Spendlove filed  arguments to revoke the business license of Leo D. Busch’s business license  of Club 14 1414 200 South health club is a public nuisance patrons engage in illegal activities  city has sought to revoke the club’s license since las spring when undercover police officers posed as clients  health club converted warehouse  exercise equipment, a sauna, a swimming pool a room for watching television a social or recreational conversation and individual private dressing rooms focus of the club is toward male homosexual members

14 October 1990 Sunday

Mike Pipkin and I went to church at the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church for the first time in ages. I was hoping to see Michael Bryner there. I did, so in I went but Mike sat between Michael Bryner and me. However, Michael did put his arm around Mike to rest his hand on my shoulder. Kelly Byrnes preached a sermon on Social Responsibility. Bruce Barton was in Colorado Springs with Bruce Harmon for Coronation there. After the service I attended the pot luck downstairs and sat at a table with Michael, Steve Oldroyd, Willie Marshall, and Mike. It was a nice turn out at church and I am meeting some new people there. Nevertheless, I’ve come a  long way from any established religion and cringe at some of the patriarchal references made in church today. I heard from Bobbie Smith that Donny Eastepp was diagnosed with AIDS three days after Bobby Dupray died and that he will be closing the In-Between to go back to Texas to die. I asked Chuck Whyte to confirm the news but he wouldn’t confirm or deny. You can never get anything out of Chuck. The times, however, are a changing. Mike left with Michael to help go clean his house and I thought why doesn’t he clean our place? I went back to the apartment and stayed home. I didn’t feel like going out to do a radio program. Mike and Michael came over in the early evening and we watched “the Ritz” that had Rita Moreno and Treat Wiliams in it about a Gay bath house. I heard that Club 14 was being shut down. The police are wanting to close it permanently and probably will succeed.  Anyway, this time I sat with Michael on the couch. I have to examine my feelings. What are my feelings? I don’t know honestly.

15 October 1990 Monday

I am back at work and it wasn’t too bad. The day dragged a little. There’s two more weeks until the first term will be over. I came home a little early so I could go to the YMCA to meet with Mike Spain the director of Camp Rogers about setting a date for Beyond Stonewall. He’s been stalling us for over a month. So, I went in person to find out what was is going on. As I suspected, he was jerking us around because he did not want to commit to a weekend retreat next year in case  he wanted to expand his summer day program  to six days instead of five. I explained to him that my organization was just as important to me as his was to him and I needed a firm commitment on some date for 1991, so I could start planning. I finally got him to accept my check for $150 and we will have the same dates July 12, 13, and 14  as we did in 1989.  I’d rather have had it at the last of July or first of August  but at this point I was just glad to finalize the deal. Well now at least that is taken care of. At home, later in the evening, Michael Bryner called and I’m kind of disgusted with him. I got this, “You’re a real sweet heart and sensitive romantic guy… but I want you to know how committed I am to John Apel and I don’t want you to get the wrong impression on how I feel”. So, on and on ad nauseum. That finished whatever spark there might have been between us.  Well for me at least. I don’t need another “let’s be friends” speech from someone whose been swapping spit with me all weekend. I am not that mature. I want to fight, struggle, nurture, have passion with the man I love. Anyway,  being bummed out after that, I went over to Bobbie Smiths to return some video tapes and get some new ones. I also went with Bobbie to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. It was a boring by-laws meeting  and a real waste of my time except to goof around. Angela Nutt has no teaching or leadership skills. Organizational skills yes. In abundance but leadership skills none. Kevin Warren has zero. He’s all combative and evasive about everything.  LGSU voted tonight not to go to coffee at the Aardvark because Beau Chaine  won’t permit cross dressing on the premise. Curtis Jensen said the food there was lousy and too expensive. Garth Chamberlain, or Zack as he prefers to be called now, said it’s not convenient to get to for them without cars. The last two reasons  have some validity but this bickering within our community  over perceived discrimination should stop. The enemy is out there. Not in here. I left the meeting early and came home. I talked briefly with John Crapo today. He's doing okay and is wanting to start up an Integrity Group. Jimmy Hamamoto later came over to the apartment and the sweet thing brought me a Halloween gift. It was some bath salts and a card. It was fun visiting with “Fuku” and Mike Pipkin about being "young and Gay" and all our silly antics.  I saw in the Daily Chronicle an advertisement saying that “Lesbians, Gays Bisexuals are discriminated against on campus. Sign petition to have Sexual Orientation added to the University’s nondiscrimination policy Wed-Fri at Women’s Resource Center 293 Union.”

16 October 1990 Tuesday

It rained and turned cold this afternoon. Rainy days always means indoor recess.  Coming home, I just did some house work and settled in for the evening. Mike Pipkin went to his Mayan New Age class. I just stayed home and watched “E.T” and “the Princess Bride”. There’s nothing else to report. Billy Bikowski  was on my mind a lot  today but I just recall last June when he said that he was not willing  to live with me, and then I turn cold towards him again.

17 October 1990 Wednesday

I had strange dreams  last night and the most powerful one was where John Cunningham and I were making out and he attempted to kiss me. The weather is turning colder and the leaves now are brilliant in color foliage. It’s been a pretty autumn so far. I stayed home this evening and watched several videos, The Wizard of Oz and The Women.”  I talked to Jim Hunsaker on the phone and we are going out to brunch on Sunday to catch up. There’s nothing major going on in my life. I am trying to talk Chuck Whyte into taking back the Unity Show from the Community Council . That way he can run it any which way he chooses to raise money.

18 October 1990 Thursday

It was a tiresome day at school and I was kind of snappish at the kids. I am not sure why? Maybe because the kids are so hyper. Perhaps it’s the storm that is coming. Some people say that the kids sense  storms before adults and they act up more. Perhaps. The National budget crisis is all that is in the news. Gas is up to $1.40 a gallon in most places. In the afternoon after I came home from work, I just stayed home and had my supper, did the dishes, and watched “Outrageous  Fortune’ that had Bette Midler in it. It started to rain this evening that is why I stayed in. Mike Pipkin was out with his friend Mindy Wheeler for most of the evening.  Michael Bryner called me this evening to visit. I wonder what his trip is?  I do like him but I don’t think  I should invest  any emotion into a relationship with him after he said he was committed to John Apel.  I also watched The Simpsons where Homer’s  personal assistant Karl, voiced by Harvey Fierstein, said to Homer “My mother taught me never to kiss a fool!” and then kissed Homer.  It was so fun to see a positive Gay character on the show.  I also talked to Bobbie Smith a bit on the phone just visiting. I counted up how many sexual encounters I had since the first of January through the first of October and I had 80 experience, mostly one night stands. I guess you could safely call me a slut bunny.  Jim Hunsaker said that he had only been with about 3 guys this entre year. I guess I enjoy getting laid more than he does. I think next year in my journal I’m going to try and be more accurate. I may have done 100 people a year except for when I went to BYU and the 9 years I was married. I am making up for lost time I suppose. I would say almost all my encounters were wonderful.

Addendum The kiss between Karl and Homer is believed to be the first animated male-male kiss to air on network television.

19 October 1990 Friday

Mike Pipkin paid me $50 in rent  but also asked if his friend Mindy Wheeler could stay with us until she can get on her feet. She’s 20 years old and was thrown out by her mom. I said sure. I rented a movie  tonight at Albertson’s, Vision Quest with Matthew Modine in it and another movie that was completely forgettable. I am infatuated with Matthew Modine as he reminds me of Billy Bikowski in every way.  Watching him makes me so melancholy for Billy. I went up to the U of U sauna and weighed in today and I am back at 200 pounds so I’m dieting again. I am packing away a lot junk food  in the kitchen. Gawd how I want to hold Billy in my arms again. At the sauna I fooled around with Stuart and two other guys but nothing heavy.

20 October 1990 Saturday

I went to see Bobbie Smith  this afternoon over at Del Mar Court. He was playing Dungeons and Dragons with Troy Lunt and their straight friend Marie. I gave him back his porno magazines that Mike Pipkin had “borrowed”.  I almost got hit by a diesel truck  on the way over because I wasn’t paying attention as I was so upset that the $150 check I sent Fran had bounced. So, I went to my bank and transferred $200 from my savings into my checking account  to cover it. I don’t know where I screwed up. I tried to rent  “Streamers”,  another Matthew Modine movie that Jeff Wood said had the actor in it. Jeff had called me this morning and we visited some. I suppose he was lonesome. He said he’s in love with Matthew Modine also.  Jeff thinks I am crazy to still be in love with Billy Bikowski. Maybe I am. Anyway, I couldn’t find a store that carried that movie. These are the movies that Matthew Modine are in that I know of, Birdie, Mrs. Soffel, Vision Quest, Streamers, Married to the Mob, Gross Anatomy, Pacific Heights, and Memphis Belle.  Jeff said that Matthew Modine was raised in Utah.  The last two movies I was able to rent and I am playing them right now but they are making me so melancholy for Billy. I feel that there’s an empty  pit in my soul. After watching those two films, I also stayed up late and watched  “The Whales of August” and “Moonstruck”  because I once heard Billy say that Moonstruck was one of his favorite movies. About 10 I got a call from Fred the man who I had met a few weeks ago at the Tri-Arc Hotel.  He called to see if we could get together tonight. He wanted to trick with me again out in the parking lot of the hotel. So, I drove over there. He’s a sweet hunky guy with a delicious cock. I didn’t get home to bed until 11:30 and Mindy Wheeler was sleeping in the front room on my couch.

21 October 1990 Sunday

I scrubbed the kitchen today from top to bottom. Mike Pipkin was out all night with Bill Blevins. I am still packing stuff away in the kitchen that I no longer need. I fixed Mindy Wheeler some breakfast because I know she had to have been hungry. However, I really want to live alone and soon I will. Jim Hunsaker had to cancel going to brunch so I went up to the sauna  and I’m down to 197  pounds again. Why am I such a yo-yo. Anyway, I was gone for most of the afternoon and then at 5 o’clock I went to Affirmation. Brett Marshall  gave a good lesson on “Shame vs Guilt” and it was a decent meeting. Affirmation is finally becoming  what it ought to be, a get well station and not a holding pen for Mormons. I talked to Willie Marshall’s boyfriend Dave a little after the meeting regarding the Sacred Faeries and the medicine cards.  Erick Meyers said that we didn’t have to do a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians tonight and I was glad for that so I just went home. At 9 o’clock I was obsessed with Billy Bikowski again and so I called him. I finally got a hold of him and we talked for about an hour. I suppose he is doing well but he was just a disembodied voice when I want him in my arms. He said he has a shop again and is slowly  paying off bills. I love him. I will always love him.  I had called John Cunningham yesterday but still was not able to speak with him. I am in the doldrums of my life.

22 October 1990 Monday

It’s my niece, Denise Wachs Ferguson’s 19^th birthday, born in 1971 in Bellflower, California, the granddaughter of Edgar and June Williams. Today would have been my Grandpa Louis Williams’ 88^th birthday. I had the mothers come to school to help with the Pilgrim Fair that the Fifth Grade put on . So that was taken care of and I finished grading the early Spanish explorer reports  and turned them back to the kids. At home I was too tired to go out so stayed home and watched “Logan’s Run” and had this epiphany about myself. I had not seen the movie since it first came out in the 1970s  and had forgotten entirely that Michael York was in it.  A very young Michael York and seeing him brought back a sweep of feelings, especially including feelings for Billy Bikowski who resembles Michael York. Am I in love with Billy or Michael York who was the first man I ever saw kiss another man in the movie “Something For Everyone” from 1969. He played a Bisexual German sociopath  and he was also a Bisexual in the 1972 movie Cabaret. I wonder if Michael York  represents my youthful desire to kiss John Cunningham in a time when there was little representation of Gay love in films.  So, who am I really in love with? John or Billy or his archetype represented by Michael York and Matthew Modine?  What image is held in my head. Who is the “Beloved” from last summer at Salt Aire? Can I finally release Billy with love knowing that he might just be an archetype also. I read in the Tribune today an article about LGSU where that Rocky O’Donovan is trying to get the U of U to add Gay and Lesbian anti-discrimination to the college’s Bill of Rights.

Addendum- The Lesbian and Gay Student Union began circulating petitions requesting a clause prohibiting "sexual and affectional discrimination" be added to the University of Utah's student bill of rights. The anti-discrimination clause was spear headed by Rocky O’Donovan and Debra Burrington of Women's Studies Program, if  LGSU  can gather enough signatures then  public hearings would be held on the issue and the changes would then go to the university's Academic Senate and Institutional Council for approval  Kevin Warren said "bigotry and ignorance" are the only barriers that would keep such a clause from being added. Most of the petitions have been circulated by members of the LGSU. But one petition posted in the Women's Resource Center has been stolen several times, Mr. Warren said. (Tribune 2 Nov 1991 Page: B1 )

23 October 1990 Tuesday

I am still reeling from the personal revelation that my infatuation with Billy Bikowski and Matthew Modine may be somehow connect to my fascination with Michael York kissing a man when I was a teen and in love with John Cunningham. I wonder if it’s my lost gay youth that I am missing and am longing for.  Perhaps I can set that aside for now. The weather has turned into an Indian Summer  after we earlier had a frost and now it’s 61 degrees. I spent much of the evening helping Debbie Roseberg move the last of her things into Carla Gourdin’s lavender painted house.  Nothing was too difficult like the sofa bed  but the landlord had to remove a window so we could move the box springs down because the hallway stairs were too steep and narrow. Mike Pipkin told me some gossip he heard that Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez  have broken up after a 12 year relationship. Nancy moved into her own apartment. This must be the year of break ups. I may sell my  bed  to Mike and Mindy Wheeler for $100 since I may be getting a queen size  bed from Carla and Debbie. Gas prices are still at an all-time high at $1.40 even though a barrel of oil has dropped from $41 to $28. It’s a rip off if there ever was one. It’s what this country deserved for electing a Republican Texas oil man as President. Our troops sit idly in the desert thank the Goddess rather than in combat but it’s costing us a fortune while President Bush bold facedly lies and says we are there because of Iraqi aggression and not for the oil.

24 October 1990 Wednesday

I have been really busy at school. I don’t know exactly why I don’t feel like I have a handle on everything. Maybe because the term ends next week and I have all these papers to grade and put in the grade book. I’m not sure I sometimes wonder if these kids are learning anything from me? I’ve been living on lentil soup, sour dough rolls, salads, watermelons, apples, bananas  and hot cracked wheat cereal containing barley, rye, and oats.  I’ve been real good about giving up sweets.  I didn’t eat any of the donuts brought into the faculty room today and I don’t know when, probably as week ago, that I actually eaten a pastry. I talked to Gale Scott and Kendra Souter last night. They seemed to be doing  okay. After watching the news, I left the house to avoid eating. I went to Price Savers down on 35^th South and 900 West where I saw they had some really good bargains that I hope to take advantage of soon when I get paid again. I need drinking glasses  and other sundry household items. I would like to buy another VCR  also so I can start recording  programs. Anyway, while I was out that way, I cruised  Jordan River Park that is just southwest of the store.  I found a cruisy  walkway, like a miniature reeds like in Boston. I didn’t do anything with anyone, however. One more week and October will be over and so long October.  I’m feeling edgy.  I am not sure why, perhaps because feel isolated perhaps. I am alone. I don’t know what it is. I sent my IRS statement to the district’s payroll office. I hope they will stop  taking out $113. I could use it as much as the government. I’ve paid almost $3,000 to the IRS  these past two years on penalties and interests on a tax return that Fran underpaid about $150, back in 1983 but wasn’t caught until 1987. Since we were married and she was fired by the IRS, they came after me.

25 October 1990 Thursday

It was a beautiful warm Indian summer day. We are having a warm spell after the first frost and it was 74 degrees today. The kids received back a lot of the items that were stolen from them. It was little girls from 4^th and 2^nd Grades who were going into unlock rooms and pilfering what they wanted.  Anyway, came home  and stayed home all evening. I watched the Simpson’s Halloween Special and “Babes”. Later I called Bobbie Smith and talked to him on the phone for about an hour. He said that Angela Nutt was told by Patty Reagan and Debra Burrington who was the keynote speaker at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union conference, that they both received death threats through the University’s inter-campus mail. I hope they make a big stink about it as it was probably Aryan Nation skinhead freaks because of the swastikas all over the letters . In Orson Spencer Hall  on the bathroom walls were scribbled swastikas.  Salt Lake  better pull Queer Nation together  before these assholes take over. Tomorrow is Halloween Weekend with lots of parties at the bars. I don’t know for sure what’s up.

26 October 1990 Friday

School was the same as always except Brian Neve came to my room after school was out to see me. I am not sure why as he just sort of hung around the classroom until I went home. I didn’t mind as evidently he needed to be there.  Anyway, after leaving Orchard, I pulled out some Halloween costumes for Affirmation’s Halloween Party tonight. Jeff Wood dropped by and I invited him to the party as well as going with Chuck Whye. Jeff later ended up inviting  a date which kind of ticked me off some because I thought it was just going to be us friends going out together. Anyway, I put on the cute sheep costume that Michael Anderson made so many years ago and Chuck went in drag, which so was Affirmation’s party but not in a Gay way. Nothing against Johnny Anderson and Mark Hansen but it was just the type of folks that were attracted there, who were afraid to have fun as the Bishop might be offended. Ha!  All the community people I knew, who were “out”, were  all in costumes. The “hip” pretty boy yuppies who are all afraid to risk  being vulnerable were not in costumes and all huddled together on the “make.” I knew the party was not for me as no one was really engaging with anyone and no one was acting like a host to keep things lively and moving along. I threw such better parties in my day of running groups.  Anyway,  I soon split with Chuck and we went to Detours where the Bridge Magazine was throwing their Halloween Party. It was more fun at least,  but not a hoot like in the old days at Backstreet. Most of the community’s mucky mucks were at Detours to support the Bridge so I am glad I showed my face there. I saw John Bennett, Rev. Bruce Barton and Emperor Bruce Harmon, David Sharpton, Val Mansfield, Dan Humphres, Doug Wortham and Brook Hallock who was without Nancy Perez which confirms what Mike Pipkin  told me about them splitting up.  Brook  seemed  real down and forlorn. I went up to her and just put my arm around her to show I cared. She surprisingly said to me “Have I told you this year that I love you?” I replied “I’m not one to have to start each conversation with whom I love but you know I do you. It’s enough.”  Poor Brook. I had a few drinks of Apricot Brandy but Chuck was really getting looped. Detour had a show of male strippers  and female strippers  and after the show was over, we stayed and danced. It felt really good to be dancing again. I miss it. Well, we left when the bar closed at 1:30 and Chuck wanted to pick someone up on Broadway and Main, so we drove over there. I was sitting in my van wearing my sheep costume while Chuck, in drag, picks up this 19 year old who said his name was Joe. He was really into poppers and at one point he asked me if I wanted to have a threesome. I said that it was Chuck’s party not mine. But he kept coming on to me. So, I gave in but wanted to go home first to change out of the sheep costume. We then drove to Chuck’s house as I said I would give Joe a ride home from there. Chuck fucked him and later Joe fucked me. Then I took him home about 3:30 in the morning but instead of going back home, I went back downtown to Broadway and Main where I met this black guy who I took into the van. He really fucked me the way I needed it. Youth is fun but experience is so much better.

27 October 1990 Saturday

Today is Chuck Whyte’s 33^rd birthday and in the wee hours of the morning we had a strange adventure with a teenage boy named Joe. Well at least he said he was 19.  I will leave it at that.  However, while Joe got my motor  running, he didn’t take me anywhere I wanted to go so I went back down to Broadway and Main to find someone who meant business.  I picked up this cute black man and we drove to a side street behind Guardian Bank. He was giving me the most delicious head but I needed a good fucking so he obliged. We both had a moment or two of ecstasy. It was nearly 5 in the morning before finally collapsing in my own bed. Neither Mike Pipkin nor Mindy Wheeler had come home either. I only slept until 9:30 before getting up to clean the apartment and feed Billy Cat. I was so dragging my tired but happy ass almost all day. Ugh. Chuck called me about 11 and we made plans this afternoon to go up to the sauna on campus to soak and detox after such a strange night of madness. The sauna did us both a world of good. Chuck wanted me to go out again tonight but later Bobbie Smith’s straight friend Marie wanted to have her and her boyfriend Mark’s medicine cards read. Duty before pleasure so I stayed home and did a reading. Marie ‘s main totem was Crow which stands for the Law  and Mark’s was Deer or Gentleness.  It was a nice reading and I had a nice time. Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku and Kathryn Warner aka Luna are in charge of the Faerie Circle this Full Moon. I finally went to bed at 10:30 tonight instead of running around with Chuck.

28 October 1990 Sunday

I guess Chuck Whyte went out partying on Broadway and Main and Mike Pip[kin said he called me at 4:30 this morning but he wouldn’t let him talk to me. I was glad for that. Thank Gawd. I spent much of this beautiful, beautiful  warm autumn day just lounging around the house. I later went to visit Bobbie Smith after he came home from working a long shift. I borrowed another movie from his collection. He said he’s doing fine although the ceiling in his bedroom had caved in. The units on Del Mar Court are really old built back in the 1920’s or before that.  Back at the Buckingham, Jeff Wood dropped by in the afternoon. He said he broke it off with his boyfriend that he had taken to the Affirmation party because John Kramer or Cramer asked his boyfriend out  and he accepted. Jeff is not having good luck with boyfriends as another one had stolen $300 worth of goods from him including an expensive leather jacket. Well, when Jeff decides to attract good things, they will come but he’s still not comfortable about being Gay. I didn’t do a KRCL radio taping program but did go to the studio to tape a four minute promo for Chuck Whyte’s Unity Show which will air after Concerning Gays and Lesbians. It took longer to do the 4 minute spot than a half hour show but still it was fun being with Becky Moss and Debbie Rosenberg. Debbie said she met with Kevin Hillman and they will run Pride Day next year. They are considering moving Pride Day from Sunnyside Park to Murray at the County Park for the site.  I read Mark Angus's medicine Cards today. He's joining the Faeries with his lover, Erick Murdock. Mark's main totem was the Skunk! Which has to do with Reputation. It was a really, really nice, beautiful day today.

29 October 1990 Monday

Another beautiful day as I went back to work but they day after Wednesday,  a storm is coming in. I brought cookies for the kiddies today for all the birthdays in October. I called payroll department and Mary Bone said she received my letter from the IRS but nothing from them officially lifting the lien against me but she said she was going to lift it anyway so I’ll start having $113 more in my paycheck again.  After school I came home and went over to Debbie Rosenberg’s to help her move her bed but she wasn’t home so I came back to the apartment to get ready for Erick Murdock’s reading which took about three hours because we spent so much time talking also about Sacred Faerie traditions and rituals. Erick's main totem is the Beaver or builder which is true for him because he's sort of a work alcoholic.  We didn’t finish until 9:30 tonight. Rod Schaffer finally called me after I learned that he was still in Salt Lake.  He wanted to know if I had dates for next year so could announce it at his party this Sunday. I asked him if he wanted to still be involved  with Beyond Stonewall as a courtesy and he was enthusiastically adamant that he did. Oh shit. Then he immediately started to take control of things but tomorrow I will lower the boom and let him know that this is how things will be. I need cooperation not conflict.

30 October 1990 Tuesday

 It was a crazy day at work with the kids so hyper and excited for Halloween.  After work Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdin asked me to come over for dinner. While there I helped them move some furniture around for them. I suppose Samhain will be at their place this Saturday. It was a wonderful day out at 75 degrees for late October. Anyway, I met with Rod Schaffer at 7:30 and Debbie came with me. Even though he tried to set the agenda  and take control of the meeting, I took it right away from him. In a very firm  but innocuous way I let him know  that I was in charge, not him, and that we would be doing a “healing, learning, and nurturing “ retreat. When he saw that the tide had turned away from him, he began  to bow out and I allowed him to graciously retreat and I will find out this Sunday if he still wants to participate. I’d rather him not but am willing to allow him to play only if he plays by the vision of the original reason for Beyond Stonewall and not let it be just a yuppie retreat.  Debbie thought I handled it well taking back control of Beyond Stonewall. I had asked Liza Smart tonight if she would like to participate in Beyond Stonewall  but she declined saying that her schedule would not permit her to attend. So that clears the way for me to find new people.

31 October 1990 Wednesday

The new “Turn of the Wheel” begins tomorrow and it’s time to take inventory of my life and clean out negativism from my space as well as clean my house. Mike Pipkins’ friend Mindy Wheeler finally moved back home and it feels good  just to have Mike and me here. It will feel even better when Mike leaves and I am here alone.  The classroom mom’s had a Halloween party for the kids held after the school wide Halloween parade from classroom to classroom.  Although the kids are like hyper sugar crazed maniacs today, on the whole they are great kids. The weather turned cold and cloudy during the day as a storm approached.  After school let out, I didn’t go out to any Halloween parties  but just stayed home and watched a few Halloween specials. Mike Pipkin and Tracy left to go out somewhere leaving me alone. So, I then lit some candles, tried to clear the house of negative influences, and burned some sage. I then conjured up the images of Darrell Webber and Mike Casey. In a meditation I saw Darrell and his spirit told me that his pain was over and that Mike Casey was happy too, just sad to have left Richard Rodriguez so soon. While in the meditative state I invoked the spirits of my ancestors and meditated on what the coming year may bring. After feeling peaceful and relaxed, I then put away all my Halloween treasures for another year and went to bed about 10 p.m. I had no Trick or Treaters tonight and went to no parties. I just had a quiet reflective time alone. Mabon is over and Samhain is beginning. Samhain marks the beginning of winter. Happy Halloween everyone.

 NOVEMBER 1990

1 November 1990 Thursday

Today was the end of my first term and three more to go of my third year of teaching. Each term is about 45 days. It rained for most of the day and so it was an indoor recess. It was much cooler than it has been at 40 degrees. I hope it’s just a cool front and not a long term  condition. I hope Indian Summer is not over yet. I was paid today. I make $12.64 an hour or $1,559. 84 a month now. I pay $162.80 in federal income taxes, $66.60 to the state income tax, and $117.77 in social security or $347.17  a month in taxes in total. That’s almost exactly what I almost pay in rent. I also pay $34.67 in Davis Education Association monthly dues, $9.81 for FHP medical to cover Fran and $1.53 in disability insurance in case I get sick and can’t work. My total deductions are $393.18 which leaves me $1,157.66  a month to live on.  I’m not complaining because I was living on $880 a month before. I’ve paid $4,066.88 in taxes and social security so far this year, not counting the $113 the feds took out for the last 10 months . I paid rent today and that was $388 and I gave them my 30 day notice  that I will be moving out. But where to?  Today is Becky Moss’s 33rd birthday. I asked Kendra Souter to be in charge of promotion and publicity for Beyond Stonewall and she accepted. Great. I need too work on getting grades done tonight but I am too tired. Happy New Years as Samhain is the beginning of a New Wheel. I heard that a Chapter of Queer Nation is being started but some lesbian named Melanie Bailey, and also by Curtis Jensen and Rocky O’Donovan.

2 November 1990-Friday

The kids were gone today because of Career Ladder Day so I was able to get all the report cards handwritten and finished . I also made a cute Thanksgiving poster now that it’s November. I was really tired today and couldn’t wait to get home. I almost forgot about Community Council tonight in  the Metropolitan Community Church’s basement. It was a marathon again lasting from 7 to 10:30. Mostly the bitchiness was over the Unity Show being held at a bar again and the Youth Group’s opposition by feeling excluded. Rocky O’Donovan even resigned from the council in protest which I thought was a fit of bad form,  but too bad for him. It was truly an immature attempt to protest the fact that the council suspended its rules  so as to hold this month’s Unity Show as a fund raiser at a bar. Liza Smart sure spoke up regarding a comment that Chuck Whyte made and sparks were flying. I loved it. Why would anyone want to be anywhere else but here? The best show in town. At the council I nominated Bobbie Smith to serve a second term as Secretary because he asked me to. Robert Ausstin is running again for Chair. An ad hoc committee was formed on Ageism to address the concerns of the youth and seniors. I called it the Troll and Chicken Committee. After the meeting, I met with Alex “Bianca” Cueva who is Empress of the Royal Court and we talked regarding having his medicine cards read this Monday. He was all excited about it. So am I. After the council meeting, Bobbie Smith, Chuck and I went to Club 108 formerly Backstreet but we didn’t stay very long.  I was too tired from a long day.

Addendum-Kevin Warren and Angela Nutt co-Presidents of The Lesbian and Gay Student Union at the U. of U.  received anonymous threats of violence because of their attempts to get an anti-discrimination clause added to the student bill of rights. An organization called Utah Students Against Gays behind the threats. According to an article published by the Salt Lake Tribune, “Anonymous letters were sent through the university's campus mail to two professors and the co-presidents of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. The letters included a hand-drawn Nazi swastika and the words "Death to the Gay" and "Thank God for AIDS." A second page included a typewritten statement claiming gays and lesbians deserve to be ostracized and despised for spreading the AIDS virus. University Police have a copy of the letter and "have been monitoring the situation," said Chief Wayne Shepherd.” "Utah Students Against Gays." The University Chief  also admitted that this was not the first incident of Gay Bashing. “Several week ago, he said a campus sidewalk was spray-painted with anti-gay slogans." Besides the letter, Kevin Warren told The Tribune he has received several hang-up telephone calls and one in which a male caller said he killed Kevin’s boyfriend. “In checking, Mr. Warren found his boyfriend to be safe. Both Mr. Warren and Ms. Nutt called the letters and telephone calls "extremely upsetting" and "frightening." They did not wish to name the two professors who also had received the letters. Ms. Nutt said the individual or group behind the threats also could be upset about a gay and lesbian conference that was held at the university earlier in October. The event received a great deal of coverage from the U. student newspaper. "The conference may have made someone very angry," she said. Besides contacting University Police, the LGSU leaders have worked  with an officer from the Salt Lake Police Department who is aware of tactics used by anti-gay groups within the local community, Mr. Warren said.”

3 November 1990 Saturday

John Reeves called me from Boston this morning and said he was doing fine with his fall classes. I told him about the trouble I had with Rod Schaffer wanting to change the concept of Beyond Stonewall but we had worked it out. I went apartment hunting today and I was a little discouraged. I don’t know where I am going to light.  Anyway, I went up the Campus sauna but also to the bookstore there and bought a small  blank pages book in which to make a Book of Shadows  for the spells and songs for the Sacred Faeries. It’s where I'll keep my meditations, songs, chants, herbal recipes, and traditions and rituals for the Faeries. While in the bookstore, I also bought some music posters for my classroom at Orchard. I made a pot of lentil soup at home but I wasn’t paying attention and I let it burn. Oh well.  Brandon Burt came over about 5 p.m. and I began reading his Medicine Cards for him although we didn't have enough time to finish it completely before I had to get ready for the Samhain Festival. Mike Pipkin chose not to go to the festival but we did have a good turnout of about 14 people, seven men and seven women. Those who attended were Brandon Burt, Erick Murdock, Mark Angus aka Gus Buddy, Bobbie Smith aka Gillian, Rocky O’Donovan aka Sky Bear, Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku, Debbie Rosenberg aka Applestar, Gail Scott ask Sky Rat, Kendra Souter aka Ursis Heribulus, Carla Gourdin aka Spirit Dancer, Kathryn Warner aka Luna, Chrisanatree, Becky Moss aka Moss and me Gayflower. It was a wonderful circle and experience. We had a hand washing ceremony, did some healing, some Goddess worship, sang songs, chanted, did some meditation, magick and lots and lots of laughter. After the circle was closed but unbroken we feasted at a pot luck. I had made pumpkin pies. Yummy stuff. There seemed to be some tension between Sky Bear and Applestar and Spirit Dancer. He wanted to go sky clad for the ceremony but they wouldn't allow it. After the circle was closed most of us went down to Club Karreras but it wasn't all that fun. The attitude there broke the magick of the full moon for us, so the men left the women at what essential is a now a full on Lesbian Bar now. Brandon, Gillian, Fuku Gus Buddy and his British friend, Peter went back downtown to the Bistro on Broadway and Main where Mike works sometimes. There we stayed and visited until 2 in the morning. It was a full moon and we were all moonstruck. After the Bistro closed we still weren't ready to go home so we all piled into my van and visited some more while parked on Broadway until 3:30 a.m. We were talking about Gay experiences, our fathers, and about our coming out experiences. It was very powerful interacting and intertwining our common experiences. It was a long, long day but lots and lots of fun. After dropping everyone else off, Brandon Burt came home with me and spent the night. We slept together in my bed but didn't have sex. We just cuddled and curled up into each other like two teddy bears.

4 November 1990 Sunday

I didn’t even start stirring until almost noon. I spent most of the morning laying naked in bed with Brandon Burt. When I did start to stir, Jeff Wood came over as he is all heartsick over his latest boyfriend Michael who is playing the field. I care about Jeff a lot but until he becomes totally excepting  of his being a Gay man he’s going to be a mess.  I did a load of laundry today which I needed to do desperately and I also went  up to the sauna  where I weighed in at 195 pounds. Chuck Whyte need a ride home from work so he met me at the sauna and we sweated and detoxed. I also went  grocery shopping as part of some of my errands. The Stonewall Reunion Party Rod Shaffer was hosting  began at 7:30. I was super tired and came close to not going but was glad I changed my mind. Nearly 40  perhaps more folks  showed up for the reunion and I sat mostly with Jimmy Hamamoto. Dan Fahndrich did an excellent slide show prestation and I was so proud of what John Reeves and I did. I introduce the new committee members to the group  also. I will be the director, Debbie Rosenberg in charge of finances, Kendra Souter chair of promotion and recreation and Rod Shaffer  will be in charge of publicity and set up.  I made sure I gushed all over Rod so actually had to accept the position I gave him. Essentially, I was very gracious to allow him even to be in such a neat position. I think it’s kind of touching to see something John and I envisioned come to fruition and now is an institution. If nothing else I’ve accomplished  is remembered, I hope Beyond Stonewall will be. Neil Hoyt’s boyfriend Don Glenn  is coming over Tuesday night  to have his medicine cars read  I just know he’s a faerie and should be a part of our group. I’ve talked with Jon Schild a little about joining the faeries  as he is drawn to it but he is anxious over some of the power words we use.  

5 November 1990 Monday

It was raining when I went to school today and it rained for most of the day until it turned into some snowflakes. After school I came home and worked in my Book of Shadows drawing Celtic designs and mythological pictures. I made a pot of lentil soup before Empress Bianca, Alex, came over to have her cards read at 6:30. We had such a good time that we ended up visiting until 10:30! Bianca is very unique and very other worldly. He's a very very beautiful melding of male and female until one does not know where one leaves off and the other begins. Alex Cueva is this year's Empress of the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire and while he has a composed, reserve demeanor he has flashing eyes that glow when things of the Spirit touches him. His cards were as unique as he is. We never pulled a main totem because I doubt whether he'll ever join the Sacred Faeries, and I doubt whether we could even become really close. Perhaps Drag Queens are meant to be an illusion and are not to be scrutinized too closely. I like him though and can see how he must be on his guard constantly to keep people from using him and his position. His spread was East-snake, South-Coyote, West- Rabbit North-Turtle, Above-Raven, Below-Fox, Within Mouse, Left- Hummingbird and Right-Linx What a powerful and right on the mark reading. Snake stands for transmutation and who can do that more than a Drag Queen? The Coyote is the trickster. Rabbit is fear. The Turtle is female mother earth energy and the raven stands for Magick. The Fox can see without being seen, the mouse scrutinizes every detail, the Hummingbird stands for esthetically beauty and the Linx is the keeper of secrets!  I like the ideal of the November moon being called the Dark Moon. Every moon should have a name instead of just calling it a full moon. I think the Indians have names for moons such as Full Buck Moon, Wolf Moon, Hunting Moon, Harvest Moon, Honey Moon and probably more names. I received a collection of books in the mail today from my book club. I need to stop buying books for a while I am spending way too much but I enjoy books. My van is really starting to need serious attention with the tires, and  brakes as well as needing a tune up, oil change and the fuses, lights and heater looked at. Should I just buy a new car or just replace the worn out parts? Decisions. I like having the van but life would go on without it.  I received a book of poetry and one the poet John Clare wrote was just the epitome of what I am feeling.  “So dull and dark are the November days, The Lazy mist high up the evenings curled, And now the morn quite hides in smoke and haze; the place we occupy seems all the world.”  I am an old bear and love my cave for winter. The place I occupy does seem like all the world since it’s such a chore to lumber out now that cold weather has set in.

6 November 1990 Tuesday

It’s Parent Teachers Conference Week  and how I hate it. I had to stay until almost 5 dealing with parents and then I ran home to vote in the general election before Don Glenn came over. I voted for Bob Waldrop for Senate District 1 but after that I voted a straight Democratic ticket. I voted to remove the sales tax on food and to kick out all the judges. About 6:30 p.m. at home, Don came to the apartment and we had a really nice visit and card reading. Don is the same age as I am. I love being with people my own age. Anyway, Don's main totem is the mouse which stands for Scrutiny so one doesn’t  miss the big picture when consumed with details and control issues. His Faerie name is Warm Moon Shadow. I think Don might actually get involved with the Faeries. Later in the evening Debbie Rosenberg called me to come over and rehearse for the Unity Show but I begged off until Thursday because I was tired from parent conferences and the card reading. I went to bed before any of the election results were announced. I’m so tired.

7 November 1990 Wednesday

It was another day of conferences  so I didn’t get home until after 5 o’clock. Bill Orton won in Utah County against Karl Snow the Crook. The Republicans tried to smear Orton because he was unmarried implying he was not a “family man”.  It’s a real upset as Orton is now a Democratic Congressman in one of the most Republican counties in the United States. Wayne Owens won  again in the 2^nd District, which is mostly Salt Lake City.  The Democrats control the County Commission government now with both Jim Bradley and Randy Horiuchi winning their races. However, Horiuchi only won by about 1000 votes out of 180,000 cast. Karen Shepherd won in Senate District 1. I know it was the Gay vote that made the difference in Susan Wray’s race. Anyway, Dave Reed came over this evening to read to me my insurance policy. He stayed until nearly 11  and we talked a lot about Billy Bikowski. We always will I suppose. Fran called earlier to say she wasn’t coming up this weekend after all. Perhaps it is just as well.

8 November 1990 Thursday

I felt really ran down today. My bod is trying to tell me something; probably to get more rest. I am eating okay but I’ve got the sniffles so I am pumping Vitamin C and echinacea into me. It was another long day at work pleasing parents. I was at school until 6:15 with my last parent showing up late. Tomorrow I have only one at 1:30 and then I am out of there. After work I went directly over to Carla Gourdin and Debbie Rosenberg’s place where we practiced our Unity Show Skit, It’s very sophomoric  but who cares? I wasn’t really up for it so only stayed a little while  before  going home to watch Cheer’s 200^th special episode show. I miss Diane Chambers and Sam Malone’s off and on love affair. I miss my own. I was in bed by 9 o’clock. I want to find an apartment by this weekend so I can start moving from the Buckingham.

9 November 1990 -Friday-

I had only one parent conference  today so I was able to leave at 2 in the afternoon. I wanted to look at apartments but nothing really seemed to materialize in the rental section of the want ads. I’m really worn down from the stress of conferences this week but at least my cold is very  mild. I’m just fatigued. I did clean the apartment a little as Mike Pipkin doesn’t do a thing around here anymore. He never really did much anyway. He did pay me his rent for last week so that’s something. I checked out four videos from Smith’s Food King down on 8^th South  and just stayed home this evening and watched them. They were “A Trip to Bountiful”, “Drifter” “Ghostbusters II” and “Full Metal Jacket.” The most powerful all the films was of course Full Metal Jacket and I was surprised that Matthew Modine was the star of it.  I am becoming so infatuated with Matthew Modine. I think he’s an incredible actor. Talking to Jimmy Hamamoto, I found out that the Modines are from Utah and Matthew  grew up here. His brother Maury Modine is kind of a hanger on-er at KRCL and Jimmy knows him pretty well.  I told Jimmy that I want to meet Maury and start a Matthew Modine  Gay fan club.  He’s so hot. Jimmy said he thought the Modine family had owned at one time the Ute Drive-In in Midvale. Anyway, I still want to rent all of Matthew Modine’s movies.

Addendum-The Utah AIDS Foundation, in cooperation with Salt Lake Acting Company sponsored a benefit performance of "M. Butterfly". A $25 donation includes a cocktail party

10 November 1990- Saturday-

Don’t ask me why but I was up at 6:30 this morning as I just couldn’t sleep any longer so I got up and cleaned the apartment and did all the dishes up. At 11, I left to go out looking for apartments. I even went to the Scarsdale apartment on 900 East where Billy Bikowski lived in 1986 and 87. It’s really gotten run down and shabby. However, I looked at the apartment just below Billy’s old place but it made me sad. Rent had actually dropped to $220 as I think Billy was paying $260 when he was here. Except for the lack of storage  space, I really wouldn’t mind living here but the nostalgia would be very painful I think. I went across the street and I encountered Justin Webber. He said he was moving so I think I will try to move into his place. I think a two bedroom apartment is only $270 with heat paid. I had about as much apartment hunting as I could take for the afternoon so I went  up to the sauna on campus. I weighed in at 195 pounds. I would really like to get below 190 pounds by the end of the month. I came back home at 5 o’clock and started getting ready for Chuck Whyte’s Unity Show. Today is Kathryn Warner’s birthday. I think she is 33. However, she didn't feel up to performing tonight so the Faeries did something else. Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku came over about 8 and we went to Club 108 formerly Backstreet together. Mike Pipkin was not being very sociable and did not go out tonight. I really didn't want to go out either being so worn down at work this past week but I was glad to be there when we did arrive. Bobbie Smith and Julie Pollack were working the door taking money. We sat at a table near the stage that was reserved for the Sacred Faeries. Chuck Whyte whose show this was, also sat with us. Emperor Bruce Harmon and Empress Bianca were tonight's emcees and did an excellent job. Concerning Gays and Lesbians was the 3rd act scheduled so I performed with Debbie and was glad to get that over with but it was fun for sure. Debbie ended up performing in three numbers. One was for KRCL, another for the Sacred Faeries, and one also for Pride Day. She and Kevin Hillman are the Co-Chairs of Pride Day '91. They did the cutest act for Gay Pride Day. Apple star’s such the loveable ham. The Sacred Faeries formed a circle on stage and sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". Fuku and I were having a great time. All in all, it was a fun show and I enjoyed Walt Larabee’s Slip Ups and Jodie Lynn the most. But then again I really enjoy Camp Humor which is becoming a lost art form. I was drinking Cape Cods and feeling pretty loose so I was having a good time. Becky Moss joined us and said that her friend Ragnar is back in town and wants to join the Faeries. Ragnar's real name is Richard McCall but has always gone by his Faerie name. I also heard from Fuku that Tom Henacy was in a car accident yesterday and I think he's banged up and bruised pretty bad but not seriously hurt. The Unity Show was over at 11:30 p.m. and Fuku and I went home soon afterwards. I was in bed no later than 12:30 a.m. thank the Goddess.

Addendum Liza Smart was named as one of The 1990 Women of Courageous Action by the Utah National Organization of Women (NOW).  Liza Smart received her award for promoting the diversity of culture and working to end patriarchy.  She was also led the campaign for creating the Utah Stonewall Center, a community center for Gays and Lesbians. “Lesbianism and feminism are inextricably linked, “ she said. “You cannot be a feminist without acknowledging the love that exists between women.” (SLTribune 4B 11/12/90)

11 November 1990 Sunday

It is a beautiful Autumn Day. The leaves crackle beneath every footstep. It's warm too, up to about 65 degrees. President Bush is preparing us for war. The powers who want war I guess couldn't trust President Reagan to get it right so I guess Bush is the War President. After seeing the movie "Full Metal Jacket" and its portrayal of the world of Patriarchy I am scared for the Planet. Mother Goddess save us from patriarchy. This is not a world of shit. Patriarchy makes the world a world of shit and death. I was planning on staying home for most of the day. I did watch on PBS “A Little Night Music” before  Chuck Whyte called and wanted to go up to the sauna. He said that the Unity show brought in a little over $1000! I'm really proud of Chuck. Anyway, we did the sauna scene at the University where I saw Brandan Burt. He said that he had found his Medicine Card reading which Mike Pipkin  had read to him before! No wonder I didn't feel prompted to finish his reading last week. The totems were probably telling me that he had them done already. Anyway, when we were finished at the sauna, Chuck and I went to Affirmation at the Unitarian Church where there was a good crowd of about 20 people. We were paired off into small groups and I was with this guy named Brian Campbell. He’s a school teacher also and I’ve always found him attractive so it was fun getting to know him better. He said that he respected my “wisdom” and it has helped him with his coming out process. I’d sure like to date him. I really would. At Affirmation I said how much the group has improved under the leadership of John Anderson, Walt Larabee, and Willie Marshall. I said credit should be given to them for turning Affirmation around back to it being a first aid station for wounded and recovering Mormons.  After the meeting, Chuck wanted to go to Village Inn on 400 South but I didn’t. I was tired and just one to go home and watch a film on Climax cable called “The Big One” about an earthquake hitting Los Angeles.  There’s earthquake hysteria again with predictions that an earthquake will hit either L.A., San Francisco, Salt Lake or the New Madrid Missouri area  on December 2nd and 3^rd. Well time will tell I suppose. I’ve never put much stock in earthquake doomsayers. However, Mike Pipkin is freaking out but that is Mike for you. So, what’s going on with me? I am a little stressed about moving. I have been drinking licorice root tea and eating lentil soup today.  I am eating plain and basic. I am thinking about Billy Bikowski a lot again, probably from having been over to the Scarsdale apartment. I want to go over to his place and just hold him again in my arms. There I go whining again. When will these feelings leave? When I’m willing to let them go, I suppose.

12 November 1990 Monday

I’m back to school and it was a beautiful Indian Summer day. But I am still a little tired from this weekend. I stayed home this evening and watched the last half of The Big One”. The special effects are great. Mike Pipkin went out with Tracy tonight so I stayed home alone to work on my Book of Shadows. I like being alone.

13 November 1990 Tuesday

My first evaluation with Wayne Stanger is set for November 28. Ugh! The weather is gorgeous at 70 degrees. It is amazing  for it to be so warm this late in November. After school was over I went and checked out the apartment  where Russ Lane lived but they were all furnished and I need an unfurnished place. No one was at the Princeton Apartments  for me to check out what is going on there. Mike went to his Mayan Class and I stayed home alone to work on my Book of Shadows. Walt Larabee dropped by to borrow some albums for the Slip-Ups. I’m missing Billy Bikowski so much I feel like I could burst. Is he okay? Am I okay? Why isn’t he checking on me also? Do I leave him alone? Do I finally accept him on his terms?  Is my pride worth not having him in my life? I want to hold him in my arms again.

14 November 1990 Wednesday

It was a remarkable day. After school I went over to the Princeton Apartments  and talked with Mr. Miller the manager, who said he wouldn’t know if there would be any vacancies until next Monday. That was disappointing  as I had my heart set on moving this weekend. Oh well. I’ll just keep on looking and check back with him on Monday if I haven’t found a suitable place by then. Today when I came home from work, Mike Pipkin took my bottle of white zinfandel wine that I had bought last Friday. I’m sick of living with an alcoholic. I took everything of mine from his room except the bed and packed it all away. The dark dull days of November are full of bleakness.  Billy Bikowski has been pounding in my brain for so long lately that I finally gave in and went to his place but his roommates said he wasn’t home. So, I called him at his work number and he was there. He was surprised to hear from me. I asked him if he would like to go to dinner with me. A little reluctantly, he agreed. I picked him up from his work a little after 7:30 and we went to Skipper’s Fish and Chips on State Street and 21^st South. He wouldn’t let me buy him dinner but I did buy him a large bowl of clam chowder. He looked so thin but otherwise well enough. We ended up talking and visiting until the place closed at 10 o’clock. What did we talk about?  I can’t recall much as I spent my time losing myself by gazing into his blue eyes and trying to reconnect with his soul. I did tell him that I can’t bare not being a part of his life. I said I know I can’t have you the way I want you, so I’m willing to be the way you want me to be if that’s the only way I can have you as a part of my life.  And I meant it. I saw that his clothes are frayed and he’s taken a beaten in life lately but I know he is as strong as crystal. He’s maturing, questioning his spirituality, perhaps even awakening  to it again. He said he’s no longer  Mormon. I’m happy he’s able to make that transition  but there’s no “us” anymore, I’m afraid. However, he still is a magnificent man and one I will always love. I took him home at 11 and as he was about to leave, nervously I asked, “Can I have a favor?” He nodded and I asked, “Can I hold you?” And we held each other all too briefly. My heart pressed against his heart. What are my feelings? I have none.

15 November 1990 Thursday

Mike Pipkin didn’t come home last night. I wonder where he’s at? After school I looked at an apartment on 800 East  but didn’t want it as it didn’t have a shower just a bathtub. I went up to Smiths Food King in the Avenues and checked out two movies, Matthew Modine’s Gross Anatomy and Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. Do the Right Thing is a very powerful movie.  Dan Unger, Elaine Day and Reva George are so upset over the district keeping Martin Luther King’s birthday as a school holiday while dumping President’s Day. I went to bed at 9:30 and haven’t seen Mike all day. To be perfectly truthful, I really didn’t much care. I have too much of my own stuff to think about. This week went fast and I still haven’t found a place yet. November always seems to go by fast. The month is half over and I still have $600 in the bank  and a check I need to deposit from the IRS for a refund of $120. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving and Billy Bikowski yesterday asked why don’t I let people invite me over for a change and I replied, “Because they don’t”.  I’d be truly thankful if I was able to spend more time with Billy in a better, more healthy way. I also love Matthew Modine now ha! He is so cute and charming and I just think he’s the greatest. I didn’t watch the news tonight, just the Simpsons.

Addendum-Murder Mystifies S.L Detectives. Salt Lake City homicide detectives say they’re mystified by a murder Tuesday night and have no suspects in the case. The victim 46-year old Jerry Leon Campbell, was found lying on the kitchen floor of his 819 East 800 South  home about 9:30 by his roommate who was returning from work said police homicide Sgt. Ron Millard.  The victim apparently was shot once in the head and had been dead about four hours. There’s no signs of a struggle and a motive for the killing is unknown.” The sergeant adding robbery has also been ruled out. The killing “really is kind of a mystery now” said police spokesman Lt. Jim bell. “ We don’t have a lot to go on right now.”  

16 November 1990 Friday

I have not seen hide nor hair of Mike Pipkin since last Tuesday. I'm as worried as I am pissed. Jerry Campbell, this Gay Taxi Driver who I only knew slightly, was murdered Tuesday. His roommate came home and found him shot once in the head. He seemed a pleasant sort of fellow to me the few times I spoke to him. Short, round and chubby. The Jolly sort. However, the gossip is that the murder had more to do with drugs then being Gay.  I live in such a small world; more like a small town within a much larger community and I usually know most of the outstanding Gay and Lesbian personalities. Anyway, I stayed home this evening and just watched videos. I watched Joe Versus Volcano, which was just so, so. And Nadine with Jeff Bridges and Kim Bassinger. I really liked it. The other two were not very memorable. I was tired tonight and went to bed by 10.  I called this mechanic in order to bring my van in as it desperately needs brakes, a tune-up and other things.

17 November 1990 Saturday

Justin Webber called me this morning to let me know that his manager said an apartment wouldn’t be vacant until December 15^th. I was so disappointed but also relieved because I could look for a place today rather than being kept strung along until Monday. I spent much of the day looking at apartment opening ads  but the prospects were pretty gloomy, let me tell you. I finally fund a small basement apartment at the Embassy Apartments and being so discouraged, I took it. It will be $235 a month with heat paid and I put down a $125 deposit plus a $10 processing fee. I can’t move in until next Friday but that’s okay because I’ll have the weekend to move.  With that accomplished I went up to the U of U and sweated in the sauna after deciding on a new place to live. My new address will be 130 South 300 East Number 2. Anyway, today was the BYU Utah basketball game at the Special Event enter so there were tons of people up at the U but none in the Sauna so it was quiet there. I also went to Orson Spencer Hall and met someone to have sex with. It was great and it’s been awhile. In the evening, I checked out four more videos, “Lethal Weapon I and II”, “Uncle Buck”, and “Great Balls of Fire.”

18 November 1990 Sunday

Still no Mike Pipkin and I’ve gotten  most of my things out of his room now, but if he doesn’t show up by the time I move, I am just sacking all his crap up and putting them out on the porch. Anyway, Chuck Whyte wanted to go up to the sauna in the afternoon so we did.  Affirmation was having their Thanksgiving shindig at Aardvarks today so I didn’t go to that. Instead, I went shopping at the 8^th South Smith’s with Chuck  where I encountered Mike Anderson and his boyfriend Doug. I haven’t seen Michael in at least one and half years. I gave him a hug which I am sure  surprise him as I know he was thinking I’d be upset with him as to how he treated me when we last were together. He’s a flake but I care about him. Chuck came back to my apartment with me and watched a video “Major League” while I fixed some cheese nachos for the both of us. It was kind of a fun movie. The apartment is a total wreck with everything every which way as I am trying to pack. Well, what is going on with me? I’ve found a new place to live. Mike Pipkin is in outer  space somewhere and Fran may come up here next week. I’d like for her to go through my stuff and take what ever she might need. I want to get rid of most of the junk. Mike is part of that junk that I want to get rid of. I’ll only love Billy Bikowski

19 November 1990 Monday

After work, I took the van into Steve Gordon’s shop to have a tune-up and brakes worked on. He said it will cost about $100 but it has to be done. I took a bus home at 4:30 and Mike Pipkin finally showed up. I was so disgusted with him. I asked him about the wine he took and he said he would reimburse me. Like hell he will. He said that he has been staying with Tom Henacy who needed someone to stay with him after his accident. Mike said that he may go to work for Dennis Terranova who is the father of that little boy who attached himself to me last summer. I didn’t bother asking whether he quit his last job or was fired. I could not care less. I couldn’t leave the house tonight without the van so I stayed in and watched some TV. I went to bed at 9 o’clock however because I knew I’d have to be getting up early tomorrow to catch the bus into work. I didn’t realize how tired I am of Mike until now. Kind of like how I was with Jim Rieger when I knew I was getting rid of him too. I am starting to release my frustrations  that I kept bottled up. In the news they say the Cold War with the Soviet Union was formally ended today which news was over shadowed by perhaps war in the Middle East over oil.  

20 November 1990 Tuesday

Today is Grandma and Grandpa’s 69^th wedding anniversary. I woke up at 4 this morning as it was hard to go back to sleep knowing I had an early bus to catch. Mike Pipkin was sleeping on the couch in the front room and I didn’t mind at all turning on the lights and making noises to get ready. I left the house at 6:20 to walk down to Guardian Bank but their teller machine was out again so I couldn’t get any money this morning. It was quite windy this morning but thanks to Providence it didn’t begin to rain until I caught my bus and was at school. In fact, the rain turned to sleet, then snow by the time I left work at 3:45 to catch a bus home. I walked home in a heavy snow storm. This was the first real snow fall of the season. I kept thinking that the snow was making Billy Bikowski  happy as he loves the snow. Anyway, I could pick the van up at 5 so I went to the mechanic shop  and it cost $118 to have the front brakes replaced and a tune up. Steve Gordon said the rotaries were shot and that the gas filter probably had never been changed in 10 years. Well so at least the van’s been tuned up and the brakes worked on. I didn’t get back home until almost 6 and Mike Pipkin had his fat ass on the couch watching TV until he went to his Mayan Class. I was glad so I wouldn’t have to deal with him. I asked him when was he going to pay me any more money for rent and he said he would have to owe it to me. Well, I really didn’t expect anything else from him. If someone was going to owe me money, Why can’t it be Billy Bikowski?  I called him this evening to let him know about the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church’s  Thanksgiving dinner they were hosting. I didn’t ask him to go with me just wanted to inform him so he’d have a place to go. I called Debbie Rosenberg and Bobbie Smith this evening also to see how they were before going to bed at 8. I was pretty exhausted from fighting the wind and snow and all from our first winter storm.

21 November 1990 Wednesday

I woke up again at 4:30 this morning and tried to go back to sleep until 6:30. On the way to work, I see this young guy hitchhiking on Victory Road and when I looked closer it was Billy Bikowski. I stopped and gave him a ride  to a better spot on Highway 89  where he could catch a bus ride to Ogden. He said he missed his bus for an appointment up there. I would have taken him to Ogden but I would have been really late for work. I should have just let him take my van I suppose. Anyway, school went pretty fast and the kids were understandably excited for the 4 day holiday break. I took off from Orchard as soon as I could but at home I received a major set back regarding my new apartment from a message left me. I called the Embassy and the assholes there said I wouldn’t be able to move in this weekend after all because they still hadn’t painted the apartment. I was furious. I went there and got my $125 deposit back but they kept the $10 as a credit check, the bastards. I was really thrown for a loop so I tried to contact John Crapo to discuss me renting his place that he was leaving. He didn’t answer his phone so I went over to his place where we talked through my frustrations and my motives for moving. He made me realize that I really didn't want to move but just wanted Mike Pipkin to move out and that I didn't have the balls to ask him to do so. Mike moved in with me last December for what I thought would be just a couple of weeks. I thought, yep that's me. A people pleaser to the end. Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I’d rather disrupt my life. John helped me make the decision to just go ahead and stay where I'm at. It seemed so much like the right decision that immediately a weight seemed lifted off me. So, I went back to the Buckingham Apartments and contacted the managers and they seemed ecstatic that I was staying and didn't give me any bit of a hassle. So here I am, sitting in my apartment, where everything packed to the ceiling in boxes and I’m not going anywhere. But just getting rid of Mike will be like another weight has been lifted. I'm not going to tell him that I'm not moving but he never showed up today anyway. I must be crazy. Oh well.  I called Billy Bikowski to see if he was okay from the other day. He was and wasn’t late to his appointment after all as he caught a ride  right up to Weber State almost immediately after I had dropped  him off. Thank you Providence. I went out this evening and bought a membership at Blockbuster Videos and finally was able to check out the film, “Streamers”.  It was a powerful movie but I found it very disturbing because the character that Matthew Modine plays is named Billy  who gets murdered at the end of the film. I hated that. If only the character would have loved “Richie” he wouldn’t have died. Anyway, I stayed up until 1 as there’s no school tomorrow. Why I was up so late I don’t know as I had woken up at 4:30 this morning. I have been waking up lately around 5. Ugh.

22 November 1990 Thursday

Today is Thanksgiving . Wasn’t President Kennedy assassinated 27 years ago on this date. I can’t remember. I was up at 6:30 and I scrubbed the carpet in the front room all morning. It’s so dirty. I’ve got to get Mike Pipkin out of here so I can put my place back in order. I went to Thanksgiving dinner at the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church. I didn’t really know anyone there except Chuck Whyte, Willie Marshall and Jon Schild until Bill Bikowski showed up at 3. He didn’t come to eat but just to see me. That made me so happy and it made my day. He said he had a dinner to go to at 6 and had to leave to make some pies to bring so he couldn’t stay long. I held his hand at the blessing  like I did in 1987. This is the third Thanksgiving out of five that Billy and I have spent some time together. I really love him. He asked me if I was getting another roommate and I said no as I was l “was leaving that vacancy for you.”

23 November 1990 Friday

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and decided to just go ahead and get up. K-Mart in Woods Cross  had a sale on VCR’s and I wanted to get another one since I am not moving out after all so I could tape record shows.  My Guardian Bank versa teller  wasn’t working again and since the sale was only from 7 to 11  this morning, I drove out to the bank in Kearns  where there was a branch and a K-Mart. But their machine wasn’t working either. So, I had to wait until 8:30 before the drive-through window opened and then by the time I went to K-Mart, they were sold out! So, I took my $200 and went to “Price Savers on 35^th South  and 9^th West where I bought myself a Samsung VCR that  had a remote control for $199. So, when I came back home at 10, Mike Pipkin was finally up and he started to clean his room and pack. I kept gently urging him that he had to be out today because I was moving tomorrow. I didn’t let him know that I’m not moving at all. If I would have, it would have been harder to get him out. I know he was wanting go through my things to see what he could take but I just stayed home and scrubbed the carpet in the dining room and just kept busy. I did have him scrub the bathroom as he never paid me any rent. Anyway, he was gone by 4 and it felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I love Mike but his drinking was very hard on me also with us both being compulsive personalities. I had Jimmy Hamamoto over this afternoon and we finished watching Streamers together. It’s so intense and I’m still angry that they killed off Matthew Modine. Anyway, after Mike was gone, Jimmy and I then went to the 5 O'clock showing of Dances With Wolves and even though the line was really long, we did manage to get in. It’s a fabulous movie about Native Americans, a real epic, 3 hours long. The best part was that you do get to see Kevin Costner's cute butt!  After the show I came back home and looked around my apartment and hardly knew where to begin to put things back. I started in the front room rearranging the furniture as that was the easiest room. I went to bed at 9:30  really physically and mentally tired.

24 November 1990 Saturday

Today was really strange as I woke up early again and decided to start cranking on putting my apartment back into order. Fran called me this morning and said she’s be up this evening to spend the night.  I have things I want to give her and also some money. Anyway, spent some time with Bobbie Smith as we went grocery shopping together and I rented four moves, Weekend at Bernie’s, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, The Fabulous Baker Boys and Parenthood. Bobbie gave me some cables to connect my VCR’s together but still haven’t been able to actually do it because I am a nerd. Fran came up at 5 and we watched some movies together and she helped me do up some of the dishes and put things away back in the kitchen. At one point as we sat on the couch, I thought how estranged we have become since it has been more than four years since we separated and fourteen years since we first met in November of 1976. I do care about Fran but our lives don’t touch much anymore. She said she’s almost through with her nursing program and wants to go to Romania to work with the AIDS babies there.  Anyway at 10:30 Billy Bikowski called and I was taken by surprise. He asked if I knew of any all night laundromats since he didn’t get his wash done last Thursday. I said he could come over here and used the complex’s machines and watch TV. He agreed but Fran freaked out when I said Billy was coming over and she then said she was taking off and not spending the night. She doesn’t like Billy and I told her that I wish she didn’t feel that way because even though Billy has caused me great heartache, he’s also given me great pleasure. She was adamant about leaving so I gave her $50 and she took some items home with her. My honest feelings were that I was glad she was leaving, only so I could spend time alone with Billy. After she left I drove out to his wood shop and he showed me some of the work he is doing. He’s carving table legs that are goat shaped hooves. At the shop it’s like I am in fairy land when I am with Billy. We then went over to his place, gathered his laundry and took it back  to the Buckingham. We did his laundry until 3:30 in the morning and watched Clark Gable and Jeanett MacDonald in San Francisco. I fell asleep laying my head in Billy’s lap during the ending . I love this man so much. Anyway, when the laundry was finished drying, I helped him fold it and then asked if he wanted to spend the night or go home. I had such a beautiful evening with Billy and didn’t mind if he said he wanted to go home, which he did. I simply said, “As you wish”, like from the Princess Bride for he is my true love.  After taking him to his place we sat outside in the van and we visited a little more. Early in the morning is an odd time to converse when things said do not always makes sense.  He was being cryptic and asked me if I would explain something to his mother, if ever it needed explaining. I simply said, “As you wish”. I held Billy in my arms and he held me in his. My fondest memories are moments like this.

25 November 1990 Sunday

I was so very fatigued  for most of this beautiful, late autumn day from staying out so late. I didn’t go to bed until almost 5:30 just floating on air from spending so much time with Billy Bikowski. At 9 Chuck Whyte called  to see if we were still doing the “sauna la la thing.” I just stayed up after that  as I had so much to do. I just didn’t know where to begin. I started with the kitchen and then worked in my bedroom, making a little progress here and there. About 2 I took a break and I went with Chuck up to the U of U.  The wind was whipping around the fallen leaves and stripping the trees of the few stragglers left behind on spindly branches. This whole Thanksgiving weekend has been  just beautiful weatherwise with temperature often the sixties. At the HPER building we encounter Jimmy Hamamoto who also joined us in the Sauna. As we were going in we saw Rocky O’Donovan on his way out. The U of U sauna is every bit a Gay bath house on Sunday.  We stayed in the sauna and showers until 4 o’clock and I weighed in at 196 pounds. I still want to lose 30 pounds but at least I’m under the dreaded 200 pounds. In the evening, I just stayed in and managed to get my bedroom back into reasonable order but there’s still a lot to do. Yesterday I found a working electric typewriter  thrown in the dumpster  which I retrieved and a ten-speed bike that only needs some minor repairing. I wonder what is going to happen next for Billy and Me? When will the shoe drops and my heart breaks.

26 November 1990 Monday

It was not a happy day for me at school as I got a new student  who was taken from Elaine Day’s class because she could not handle him and now I have 32 students.  The kid is Taylor McDonald who has some serious emotional problems, mostly I think from a demanding dad. Also, when I was leaving  school I accidently scraped one of the cafeteria lady’s car and we had to wait around for the police to finally show up and to fill out a report for insurance purposes. As we were on private property I didn’t get a ticket.  It was snowing  and blustery and my van kind of slid near her car.  The weather was not anything like the nice weather we had over the Thanksgiving Break. I didn’t do much damage to her car but scratched her door but I felt terrible about it. Coming home, I just kept plugging  along in the apartment, cleaning out junk and getting rid of so many things I don’t use anymore. For my supper I made vegetarian chili and corn bread  and been snacking on it. I want Billy Bikowski to come live with me. How do I convince him to do so? It would be beneficial for him. Maybe if I approach it from the angle of just trying it for six months, until next summer. Then we could go our own way if it didn’t work out.  He could save money and perhaps pay off some of his bills and pay back some to his other fiends to whom he owes money. What would I be getting out of it? The pleasure of his company

27 November 1990 Tuesday

Well, I didn’t hit anyone with the van today. That’s a good sign. I met with Taylor McDonald’s father  this morning who requested his son’s removal from Mrs. Days class. What a mess. Anyway, it snowed and sleeted  but only a little, not like yesterday so the kids could go out for recess. After coming home from work, I put $20 worth of gas into the van’s tank. Gasoline is $1.35 a gallon now. I stayed home for the rest of the evening still cleaning the apartment and slowly making a dent. I am also getting used to actually being alone and not feeling like Mike Pipkin is just off somewhere. Tomorrow I think I am going to do some more major dumping of stuff into the dumpster out back. Nothing special to write about today. Jimmy Hamamoto called and said that the Full Moon Gathering will be this Saturday again at my place. He said he saw Maury Modine the other day at KRCL and was visiting with him. Jealous. I left a message  with Billy Bikowski’s work  this evening for him to call me but evidently he didn’t show up for work. I want him to move in with me but perhaps that is just a demented notion in my fevered love sick brain. Becky Moss called and said I wouldn’t have to come into the studio to do a program this Sunday . That’s good although I do miss taping a show. She wants me to take notes at December’s Community council  for a later program.  The Stonewall  Community Center committee is having an Art Auction  in December as a fundraiser. They are doing really great guns. I went to bed early at 9 because tomorrow is my performance evaluation with Wayne Stanger.

28 November 1990 Wednesday

I did my evaluation for Wayne Stanger on creating texture in art. I like to do my lessons  on art because Wayne Stanger doesn’t have a clue about the subject matter. It went well I suppose. Who cares as long as it’s over? I came home just mentally exhausted. Still, I did up the dishes and straighten up the place. Billy Bikowski called me back today and he said he had left work yesterday exhausted. We visited for about a half an hour. He said he went up to Ogden again to see his therapist on his Bi-Polar  issues.  He sounded rather down about it. I asked him over for dinner this Friday and he said he’d rather go out for dinner  so we will go to Sizzler’s  again since that  is what he wants. I can always eat off the Salad bar. I’m going to ask him to come move in with me. If he does he does. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t The universe will flow on. But I do love that man. Debbie Rosenberg called tonight. She said that she and Carla Gourdin had a nice time in Phoenix. She had heard from Willie Marshall that I didn’t out of the Buckingham after all but just had Mik e Pipkin move out. She also said that the women are having their full moon festival on Saturday too. A woman named Brynwyn is supposed to come over tomorrow to have her medicine cards read by me. Jim Hunsaker also called me tonight to visit. He was the dispatcher who took the call on the Jerry Campbell murder although he didn't connect it with him at the time. He said that it was probably a drug burn more than a Gay related bashing.

29 November 1990 Thursday

School is really wearing me down. If it wasn’t for echinacea I probably would have a full blown cold. Flu, strep throat and the like are sweeping over the entire school. Wayne Stanger gave me my evaluation results back  this afternoon. I received 40 out of 40 points so why does he always makes me feel like I’m incompetent?  I really don’t much care for Stanger either . I wonder why?  Perhaps h represents the disapproving patriarchy to me with his Father Knows Best” demeanor.  Anyway, I stayed home this evening and did house work since I am still packing things away I want to discard. Brynwyn cancelled her reading so  I called a few people tonight about the Sacred Faerie Gathering for Saturday. In the Northern Tradition the December Full Moon is the Wolf Moon and whenever there are two full moons in a single month the second moon is called a Blue Moon. We will be having a Blue Moon December 31st. I don't think we will have another Blue Moon until the year 1999. Tonight, I made a Goddess Cake for the Saturday Gathering. It’s an apricot corn meal cake.  I am looking forward to dinner with Billy Bikowski tomorrow

30 November 1990 Friday

It’s the last day of the month finally and pay day. I cleared about $1100 with the Career Ladder Day bonus money. As when we come back on Monday, it will be December, I had the kids take down all the Turkeys and other Thanksgivings decorations as that Christmas is on its way. In art I had the kids make construction paper poinsettias to start decoration the room. My energy level is super low. I don’t feel sick, just dragging my ass a little. Billy Bikowski called and asked if it was okay just to go to dinner rather then going out because he has so much work to do. I said, “As you wish.”  We went to the Sugar House Sizzler and stayed there for about two hours. It felt right and fine to just be with him and see him eat so much. I love his brilliant t blue eyes. It pleases me so much just to be with him. We didn’t converse much just small friendship chatter. When I took him back to his work shop there on Commonwealth Avenue and West temple, we visited some more and I invited him to come live with me until June. He did not say yea or nay and I did not press him. Let him take some time to consider it. Well so ends the dark, dull November. But Billy is kind of back in my life for the time being. I get to hear his voice. He calls me on the phone again. We go out to dinners once more. I think after four and a half years, I’m not infatuated with him anymore but truly love him. Goddess knows, its not about sex. We haven’t been together in that way since December 1986 but it’s his sweet soul I love.