Winter First Quarter Journal 1993 January-March President Bill Clinton's 1st Term

 JANUARY

1 January 1993 Friday New Year Day

I stayed up until 3 in the morning drinking and visiting with Chuck Whyte and Dave Ball. Jeff Workman came home at 2 and went straight to bed without saying a word.  They could tell I was upset so Chuck left to crash at Jimmy Hamamoto’s place in Del Mar Court and I guess Dave spent the night at Bobbie Smiths place across the way from Jimmy’s.

Jeff was up around 9 as was I.  He sat me down and said he thought  we should separate and then he started sobbing. I held him and he said that he has been having an affair with Cary Ferrin and he loves him but he loves me too. He was in misery and so was I. He said that Cary broke it off with him last  night when Jeff told him that he was moving to the Riviera Apartments with me. Cary said that he felt that Jeff had no intention of leaving me. So Cary broke it off

            So Jeff’s heart is broken over Cary and miserable over cheating on me. I told Jeff that I knew what was going on, that I wasn’t blind or stupid. I just looked the other way  hoping the infatuation with Cary would pass. I told him that I wanted things to work out between us, that I loved him.

            I don’t know how much is really over between Cary and Jeff because Cary kept calling Jeff all day. Later Jeff went over to Cary’s place to get some clothes he left there.

            I called Mom and she said they received the money I sent them and that they have been sick with the flu down there in Arizona too.

            In the afternoon Jimmy and Chuck came up to my apartment and wanted me to go with them to a movie. Since Jeff was gone and I was miserable I went with them to the Crossroads’ Mall and we saw “Home Alone.”

I heard from Jimmy Hamamoto that Bobbie Smith, Troy Lunt, Todd Dayley, and Tom Henacy all went out dancing last night for New Years Eve. I said no one called me to see if I wanted to go. No wonder Dave Ball was at my place. I guess no one invited him either.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Allen W. Remington, died of complications of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. He was 36 years old. Born in Tooele and educated in Tooele. Allen enjoyed family activities such as baseball, fishing and family vacations. He was an honor students at Tooele High School, graduating in May 1974. Allen was formerly employed at Tooele Public Library, Hardy Salt Co., and American Salt Co. He also worked for the US Army at Dugway Proving Grounds, where he received his training in mainframe computer operations. In 1982, Allen was employed by Holy Cross Hospital in Salt Lake City, where he worked in computer operations until failing health forced his retirement in 1991.  After his own diagnosis, Allen devoted countless hours as a volunteer with the Utah  AIDS Foundation, as a public speaker and educator. Allen chose to share his own experiences as a PWA in an effort to promote greater public understanding of this health crisis. The number of lives influenced, and potentially saved by Allen's educational efforts is unknowable. In his personal life, Allen enjoyed running, travel, and antiquing. He also pursued a never ending quest to enlarge his vast and varied music collection.. And finally, a very special thanks to his dear friend, Jim Pierce, for his years of loving care and his unique ability to make life a constant adventure. In lieu of flowers, Allen suggested donations to the Holy Cross Continuity of Care Program, c/o Sister Linda Bellemore, Holy Cross Hospital, S.L.C., Utah. DN

 

2 January 1993 Saturday

It snowed almost all day long. Jeff Workman and Cary Ferrin made up today. This morning Jeff and I discussed how our relationship is changing and how maybe we should just live as roommates when we move to the Riviera. Jeff said he wanted me to start dating again, but I think that is just to assuage his guilty conscience. I have no intention of dating again when I’m still in love with Jeff.

            After Cary and Jeff left, I just mindlessly watched TV and tried to work on some school projects before going back to Orchard Elementary on Monday.  Bobbie came over in the afternoon and I told him the news that Jeff and I are moving from the LaFrance over to the Riviera Apartments which are just about 2 blocks down from the Utah Stonewall Center. I think he was kind of sad about the changes happening to our little Faerie Community. He did say that Matt Wilson was moving in as his roommate now that Todd Bennett had left.

            In the afternoon Jeff and I trekked over to the Crossroads’ Mall to get out of the house and see a movie. We saw “The Muppets Christmas Carol.” It was just okay. I thought we were having an alright day until Cary called and then Jeff drops everything to go be with him. Jeff had him come over and pick him up.

I haven’t talked to Bobbie Smith or Jimmy Hamamoto about what is going on with Jeff Workman and Cary Ferrin. I am still kind of feeling hurt and neglected that I wasn’t asked to go out dancing New Year’s Eve. I wonder why I am out of the loop? Maybe I’m being too hyper sensitive right now.

 Dave Ball is tiffed with Carrie Gaylor and Michelle Davies for cancelling a Community Council Meeting yesterday without consulting his opinion as they are all suppose to be on the executive committee and he’s an officer too.

I sent in a nomination to the Diversity Is Great Award committee for Bobbie Smith for his creation of the Stonewall Library. 

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Charles Edward ``Chuck'' Griggs, Jr. age 30 died in Newport Beach, California after a long and valiant battle with Aids. He was employed by Federal Express for nine years. Step-brother of Julie Brizzee, Lesbian activist in SLC. Survived by long time companion, Rob Quest He attended Kearns High School and then graduated from the University of Utah with a B.S. degree in mass communication in 1987. He had a great love for reading, art, music and traveling.. He was very dedicated and involved in many hours of community service in Out Reach programs and educating in Aids awareness.

 

3 January 1993 Sunday

Jeff Workman did not spend the night here again. I was up at 8 this morning and started packing the little bedroom away when the feeling hit me how alone and betrayed I felt by Jeff. I put on some sad music which was the wrong thing to do as by then I was a total wreck. I was bawling out of control. I wept so hard I was afraid I was making myself sick. Finally I couldn’t stand to be in the apartment any longer and I packed a bag and called Chuck Whyte. I asked if I could come over. I was going to leave Jeff, however, just as I was walking out the door, he came home. When he saw me with a suitcase he freaked out. He had me come back inside the apartment where we both cried and cried. I said to him that I can’t fool myself anymore. This denial isn’t working. I can’t bear him spending the night away from me leaving me alone.

            Jeff said he didn’t want to lose me and that we are meant to be together. I said I don’t want to keep getting hurt either.  After getting all cried out, we went over to Chuck’s to say I wasn’t moving out and I took Jeff and him out for breakfast at Dee’s on 4^th South.

            Afterwards, Jeff wanted me to go for a drive. The roads were treacherous but we went north to Ogden and then west out towards Corrine. The land was as desolate and barren as I was feeling.

            Back at our place, we spent the evening together, mainly getting ready to go back to work in the morning. It’s been a rough holiday season and am glad it is over.

 4 January 1993 Monday

I tossed and turned all night long so I was a wreck back at school. It didn’t help matters that it was only 5 degrees this morning and never was above 25 degrees all day so the kids weren’t allowed outside for recess.

            I came home as soon as I could. I wanted to go pay a deposit to hold our new place at the Riviera but Jeff Workman never came home all evening. I was in bed when he did come home. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.

 

5 January 1993 Tuesday

I am not feeling well. I am not taking very good care of myself. I wanted to go up to the University of Utah to use their sauna but when I got there I found out  now they make you use a student of faculty I.D. to get into the locker room.  So I took the bus back home where I had a message from Reed Cutler, the owner of the Riviera. He said that it may be the 25^th before I can move in to the apartment there.

            Jeff Workman called at 6 this evening and said he and Cary Ferrin were going out for dinner. I went numb inside to shut my feelings down. It’s just not working. It kills me when he leaves me to go be with Cary. He wants to be with him more than me. I can accept that  but I don’t have to like it. It just hurts too much inside to pretend we will get through this. He loves Cary. I can’t compete against that.

 

6 January 1993 Wednesday

All day I was so depressed. I really do not know how Jeff Workman and I could live together anymore. I don’t want Jeff simply as a roommate and it hurts knowing that Cary is more important to him than I am. I don’t want to move into the Riviera and be depressed the whole time there. If we are breaking up, we need to really break it off and find separate apartments. I made a list of how we could stay together but it did not seem possible any way I looked at it.

             When Jeff  came home from work, I sat him down to talk. I said I didn’t want him seeing Cary anymore as a condition of us living together, He became really sad and said that he didn’t think he could do that. Then I knew for certain that it was over between us. The affection and love he once had for me as an esteemed companion is over. We talked and we cried. Jeff said he loved me and needed me and didn’t want to live without me but he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore. That was the worst blow upon my heart.

            Jeff was going to go out with Cary to aerobics but we stayed home agonizing over what to do. We can’t live together and yet can’t live apart. We have bonded as a family and yet it was all coming apart. The dilemma  was tearing our hearts wide open.

            Jeff cannot afford to live alone and I can’t abide the emotion turmoil that living together would exact.  After crying for several hours we finally went to bed at 7 this evening exhausted from grief from all the demons of a failed love swirling above our heads and stabbing us in the heart.

While we initially agreed to have separate apartments, while we embraced in bed, it seemed an impossible thing to do. How can I let him go? How could I ever bare not to hold him in my arms? Knowing how few nights we would ever have together, it drove the reality of our decision like a stake through the heart. After we were cried out, I realized that as long as Jeff wanted to live with me I could not refuse him and it’s something I will have to bear.  It’s what we do for love.

So after an emotional rollercoaster, we were back where we started, but not entirely. We decided to live together until June and that who knows?  We are finished as lovers. It is over. He is free to make love to whomever he wants and so am I. We won’t pretend to be a “couple” anymore. He’s on his own and so am I.  But Jeff can’t have everything he wants because I can’t either. It’s a strange road to get to where we are now.

How do I feel? I am not sure, but the uncertainty of whether Jeff’s still in love with me is over. A new beginning is in the wings for us. Perhaps a new love for me too? Don’t look back, Ben. There’s nothing there but salty tears.

 7 January 1993 Thursday

I had such a difficult night with me just tossing and  turning without any real rest. Jeff Workman was sleeping in the other bedroom. I had very strange dreams with Jeff in all of them. Even though I went to bed early last night, I feel like I’ve been beaten up. I would not have gone into work except that I had no choice. Jeff took the day off however.

            It snowed all day. I came home right after work and it was snowing a lot the whole time I walked from downtown to the LaFrance. There’s so much snow on the ground already and more has been added today.

            Jeff had done the dishes which was great. They had been stacking up during the week. He then went to the gym with Cary Ferrin and then said they were going to Unconditional Support together.  I stayed home as usual, besides I didn’t want to deal with them being seen as a couple in a social setting. That was my spot with Jeff or had been.

            I’m still trying to shed some pounds. I read somewhere that each pound is 3500 calories and to lose 2 pounds per week one would have to reduce their caloric intake by a 1000 calories a day beyond what they should eat to maintain weight and not gain it.  To find out what you need to maintain weight you take your preset weight and times it by .45 and then my 10 and add 900. Then times that by 1.2 for low activity, 1.4 for medium activity, and 1.6 for high. Reduce all that by 1000 calories a day and you’d lose weight,

8 January 1993 Friday

I woke up to a blizzard this morning. The Highway Patrol advised people to stay home and off the roads because of the dangerous conditions but the news said “schools will be open.” So I trudged through the snow storm to catch my bus to school. It snowed most of the day and I had 6 out of 27 students absent.

            At home I watched the news about Rudolf Nureyev  the famous ballet dancer, having died of AIDS at the age of 54 years. He didn’t publicly acknowledge that he had AIDS.

            I wasn’t going to go to Community Council tonight because of the storm but Jeff Workman asked if I’d go with him. I had such mixed feeling about being seen with him but I relented and went. There was not a very large turnout as could be expected. I cornered Kevin Hillman and asked if Bobbie Smith was going to be recognized for his community service at the DIGS Award and he said he was. Good. Kevin also told me of some of the others being recognized but I wasn’t as interested. He did say that David Nelson was getting an award too even though everyone thought that he is a jerk. But David does deserve to be recognized and that’s for sure.

            Anyway there was not much controversy tonight except over Marlin Criddle’s lack of attendance at the Community Council. He’s missed 4 months in a row and the by-laws state that he could be replaced as Chair of the Utah Stonewall Center. A motion was made that he be contacted and encouraged to attend or we might be forced to select a new director. However I also made a motion for the Council to let him know that he has our full vote of confidence. That motion passed. Chris Brown was elected the new Anti-Violence Project Chair. That was a  good choice. Val Mansfield agreed to remain chair of the Outreach Committee which is responsible for publicity. Bobbie Smith however was on a toot about how the Utah Stonewall Center was being managed. He grumbled about the phone lines, about the Post Office Boxes, and that the Center was not being kept clean. He complained about the performance of the Center’s Board of Trustees; to the point that he was losing his credibility and was just making people mad at him and not at the problems.

            Todd Dayley came to Council and we visited some. He was super sympathetic about what Jeff is putting me through. After Council, several of us went across the street to Village Inn for coffee and dinner, including Todd, Bobbie, Troy Lunt, a guy named Larry, Jeff and myself.

            While we were visiting and discussing the next issue of the Salt and Sage, and Faerie business I brought up again the idea of creating a community newspaper.  I was distracted when Cary Ferrin showed up with a friend of his and sat near us. Jeff just seemed to come alive at that point while I faded away.

 9 January 1993 Saturday

Today is John Cunningham’s 42^nd birthday but to me he will be forever young. Another snow storm blew in today but Jeff Workman and I managed to dig his truck out and make it to the grocery store. The parking lot was snow packed and packed with cars. It looked like everyone was expecting to be homebound this weekend. While we were out we went to the music store next to the Tower Theater.  There I bought three CDs, March of the Falsettos, Falsettoland and Cole Porter’s Centennial Collection. Jeff had finally exchanged the Elvis Costello CD for a Donna Summers Album.

            Back at the apartment I packed some more boxes with things while Jeff left for somewhere. He didn’t tell me where. Later in the evening, Jeff went out with Cary Ferrin. I went to the full Snowfrost Moon gathering rather than sit home depressed.

The ritual was held at Bobbie Smith’s place with Jimmy Hamamoto acting as the Pillar.  Most faeries invited had declined to come because of snow packed and icy streets. There was just a tiny band, Bobbie Smith aka Gillian, Todd Dayley aka Abby Normal, Rhino, Jimmy Hamamoto aka Fuku, Harold Jones aka Silver Fox, Troy Lunt aka Helen of Troy and myself. I was not in a good space but I didn’t want Bobbie Smith to be upset with me if I didn’t come.

We discussed the purpose of the Sacred Faeries and whether or not we are meeting our stated purpose anymore. I said I thought we have somehow lost our way. After the gathering some of the others stayed for pizza and a porno. I just walked back home after talking to Bobbie Smith about his anger at the Community Council and that he needs to get a real job to help his finances and stop his obsession with finding fault with everyone at the Stonewall Center.

 10 January 1993 Sunday

It snowed all night and much of the day. Jeff Workman was out all night long. I listened to March of the Falsettos and Falsettoland as I took down much of the front room to pack away. In the afternoon Jeff came home and we went over to the Riviera Apartments where I gave Brad the Manager a $180 deposit. I know it was a Sunday but Brad seemed kind of stand-offish to me like he didn’t want to be bothered.

            Anyway we went and looked at where apartment 306 was located at the very back of the complex. It didn’t look like the tenants have made any effort to move. In fact Brad didn’t even know that Reed Cutler had even talked to us about renting. I hope those people aren’t playing games and have to be evicted. We are suppose to be able to move in on the 25^th. I hope so.

            Anyway Chuck Whyte said he wanted to go to affirmation tonight. I said he was crazy if he thinks I’m going out anywhere in this weather, Snow is piled as high as it can be.

            Jeff was really sweet and mellow with me today. What is going on with him? I’ve typed up some articles for the Salt and Sage. Todd Dayley is going to be in Denver next week so I guess we will get it out on next Sunday.

 11 January 1993 Monday

A severe winter storm blew in this morning dumping 7 inches of more snow at the airport. The storm closed down schools, city, county, and state offices. In fact most businesses shut down too.  I was listening to news when Jeannie Wheelwright our Special Education teacher called and confirmed that there was no school today.  So we had an early snow holiday. Jeff Workman and I.  We stayed in bed and slept in for a couple of more hours.

            When we were up, I just watched TV and typed on the computer for most of the day. We couldn’t go anywhere until the storm lets up which it finally did at 4 this afternoon. I heard some roofs collapsed from the weight of the snow including the wine store on 3^rd East making a mess.

            When the storm was over Jeff and I went outside to dig out his truck and then tried to go the Utah Idaho School Supply store to buy some Martin Luther King posters for our classrooms but they were still closed due to the storm.

            Jeff went to his aerobic class and I stayed home and watched the "Time Machine" on the TNT channel. It’s Rod Taylor’s birthday for the Turner Network is showing some of his old movies.

            I didn’t hear from anyone today. The phone lines were jammed and the authorities had asked people not to use them except in an emergency. They said this was the worst storm to his Salt Lake City in the history of official record keeping.

 12 January 1993 Tuesday

 It’s back to school while there’s a break in the storm systems. It was amazing to see how much snow had fallen at school, three feet or more. The day went really fast because we had so much to do before the term ends. I left school right on time, tired, so I didn’t do much around the apartment. Jeff Workman took me down again to get a Martin Luther King poster and I dropped our Rental Agreement off at the Riviera while we were out. The roads were slick.

            Letting me off, back at the apartment, Jeff went to work out with Cary Ferrin while I stayed in for the evening. I watched episodes of Quantum Leap and Roseanne. I like Quantum Leap when the character leaps into the body of a woman and Scott Bakula has to play a woman.

            I was in bed when Jeff came home and then I was woken by a phone call from John Reeves in Boston. He wanted to share that Matthew Modine was being interviewed on the Whoopie Goldberg Show. I was too out of it to visit at all so we cut the call short. I was having strange dreams about being under attack by snipers and other violent people for being Gay. Where is this coming from?

            Perhaps from seeing scenes on the news about the violence in Bosnia where Serbs and Muslims have turned on one another in a bloody frenzy of retribution. Saddam Hussein and George Bush are again rattling sabers at each other. Poor Bill Clinton is inheriting a mess from the Monopoly playing Republicans.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Cory Nick Cozza age  35, died at home after a long illness.  Cory was born July 3, 1957 and adopted by his grandparents, Nick and Thora Cozza. He graduated from Gem State Academy in Caldwell, Id. He had worked for his Dad as a butcher at Cozza Market. Survived by special friend and companion Kenn Shosted. Former Prince Royale VII of the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire

13 January 1993 Wednesday

It was a long day because of an after school In-Service which lasted until 5:30 in the afternoon. The bus was also late so it was almost 6:30 in the evening before I got home from work. The weather is okay, no real new snow although it’s still awfully cold outside.

            Jeff Workman was gone by the time I came home from work. I just did  the dishes and ate a light dinner. I went to bed by 8:30 this evening  really mentally tired out.

14 January 1993 Thursday

I woke up right at 6 this morning from a very erotic dream about some guys I was out camping with. I heard on the news that President Bush ordered an air strike against Iraq. Most presidents try to leave office peacefully but Bush leaves kicking and screaming. Also some bigots in Idaho are to pass the same initiative against Gays which the folks in Oregon defeated.

            I came home straight from work and cooked some rice for my dinner. Jeff Workman went to aerobics and to Unconditional Support while I stayed in and tape recorded the Simpsons.  The house is a wreck with it being boxed up and things torn down for the move.

            I didn’t get much sleep last night because of my strange dreams. I wonder what is going on in my head.

 15 January 1993 Friday

 I am so glad to have a 3 day weekend in the middle of January as I really need it. After school I went to an early show rather than come home to an empty house. I knew Jeff Workman was going to the gym with Cary Ferrin to work out. I walked down to the Broadway Theater and saw “The Crying Game”. I knew right away that the character Dil was a Drag Queen but the hets in the audience  all let out a gasp in surprise at the great reveal.

            I was home by 7 in the evening but Jeff still wasn’t home so I figured I’d be spending another night alone, “All by myself.”  I went to bed at 9 at night and Jeff came in at 10:30 and woke me up to visit. I don’t know what he really wanted . He went to bed himself a little later.

 16 January 1993 Saturday

Jeff Workman left at 10 this morning to go do aerobics. I told him he was an addict. I stayed home and cleaned the place and moved some things around. When Jeff still wasn’t back by 1 in the afternoon, I decided I needed to get out of the house. The walls were closing in on me. I was upset with Jeff staying away so long and I didn’t want to be home alone.

            I took the bus to Trolley Square and went to the movies. There I saw Jeremy Irons in “Watermark’, and “Alive” which as about the South American ruby team some who survived a plane crash in the Andes.  After the shows I walked over to the Stonewall Center for video night.

Garth Chamberlain was at the Center and we spoke briefly about Kevin Warren, Cary Ferrin, and Jeff. Garth does not like Kevin and I think the feeling is mutual however Kevin and Cary are friends. Harold Jones was at the Center too. The movie was “My Private Idaho” which I wasn’t in the mood to see so I just left and walked home from the center about 12 city blocks. It wasn’t freezing out though, but was kind of nice out in fact.

            When I reached the LaFrance I  saw that Jeff had left a note saying he hadn’t gotten home until 3:30 in the afternoon and then went off to see Cary. I was so miserably depressed. I listened to some sad music and went to bed. I am really getting sick of this.

 17 January 1993 Sunday

I had a restless night. I woke up at 5:30 this morning but stayed in bed tossing and turning until 8. I thought I heard someone try the front door last night which made me nervous.

Anyway I didn’t eat anything as I lacked an appetite. I was expecting Jeff Workman home this morning but by 10 I knew he wasn’t coming. I needed to get out of the house rather than brood so I walked over to the Aardvark Cabaret to attend church services at the Metropolitan Community Church. Kelly Byrnes came down from Logan act as a pastor to the Salt Lake members of the Bridgerland church. It was a small group, perhaps a dozen people including Bruce Barton, Bruce Harmon and Chuck Whyte. They were doing a 12 step program to work out their anger, frustrations, and resentments against those who remained at the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church. I sat next to Bruce Barton and while it was nostalgic to sing some of the old hymns like "Blessed Assurance", I realized I am not a traditional Christian anymore in the American sense. If anything I am a Gnostic Christian Pagan.  I venerate the teachings of Jesus Christ but abhor the Christian Church. To me his “church” is his teachings not any building or organization. I guess I am much more of a Quaker than I realized. I didn’t come home until I in the afternoon and Jeff still hadn’t been home.

Bobbie Smith left a message on my answering machine saying that the faeries were leaving at 10:30 this morning to input the Salt and Sage. I only heard the message after I had returned from the MCC church so I missed that.

I saw Russ Lane while out walking today. He was on his way over to see an old room mate who lives in Wayne Court just west of Del Mar Court. He lives in one of the bungalows that are being torn down by the Greeks. We hugged as I hadn’t seen him in ages. He’s tall and skinny while I’m short and fat. Mutt and Jeff.

I took a nap in the afternoon and slept until 4:30. I think it was mostly from depression rather than fatigue. Jeff never came home so I walked across town to the Stonewall Center to attend Affirmation which began at 5. Duane Jennings and Lynn LaMasters, from the Restoration Church, are the co-directors of Affirmation now. I had kind of a funny feeling there. It was like I did not belong. There was no warmth or fun, Willy Marshall and Harold Jones were about all the folks who knew who I am and my original involvement with founding Affirmation in 1986.  There was not a huge turnout either. It was a video night and the group voted to watch "The Princess Bride" over "Some Like It Hot".

I watched a little bit of it but I was too antsy to sit for long as my mind was racing and wondering what is going on with Jeff. I finally left at 6:30 in the evening and walked on home. 

This is a holiday weekend and I am spending it alone. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve alone and now it looks like I will spend Martin Luther King Holiday alone.  I need to make being alone my choice and not Jeff’s. I feel like Cary Ferrin has robbed me and I hate him for it. I know now how Fran feels about Russ Lane although it is not the same thing.

 18 January 1993 Monday  Human Rights Day

No School because of the holiday. I woke up around 5:30 this morning from a restless less. My mind is in such turmoil. I can’t live like this anymore.  I called John Reeves last night crying. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I realize that living with Jeff Workman would be like living with an empty shelf, a constant reminder of what I lost.

            About 10 this morning as I was leaving to go to the barber, I met Jeff coming home on the stairs. He asked me where I was going and I just said "out".  I then took a bus to 7^th East where I had a shave and trim for the DIG Awards tonight. Brenda Voisard and Kevin Hillman have put together an awards’ banquet to honor those who have given community service. They call it "Diversity is Great" or the DIG’s Awards. I had bought a ticket for Jeff  but I told him this afternoon that I was taking Bobbie Smith instead. We aren’t a couple anymore. I really did not feel up to going at all but Brenda Voisard asked me to present an award to Bobbie and I knew he wouldn’t go if I didn’t. He was being a real pain about going anyway but I finally told him to just be gracious and learn to work with these people.  They are not the enemy. I was not in a good space to be a reconciliator.  

            It was a dress up occasion and we went to Exchange Place at 6:30 this evening but the Award Banquet was still be pulled together at that time. I saw Becky Moss and Glenn Camomile and it seemed a bit awkward but Becky and I somehow gravitated towards each other and hugged each other for old time sake I suppose. I guess that is the first step to be reconciled.  I saw Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdin there as well. I told them I never get to see the people who mean the most to me anymore. I mainly ended up with talking to Val Mansfield who was also receiving an award.

            Kevin Hillman was frantic, but he stopped by long enough to say that he’s pissed at Randy Richardson for some reason. I wanted to say told you so but I didn’t. Dale Sorenson also came by our table to talk some. He actually was somewhat amiable to me.

            Anyway I fumbled through a presentation for Bobbie who was being recognized for all the hard work he has done for the Utah Stonewall Center’s library. I had not prepared a speech but spoke from the heart. Those people who were honored for community service that I can remember were David Nelson of the Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats, Sergeant Dave Ward the former police liaison to the Community Council, Randy Horiuchi Salt Lake County Commissioner, Abby Maestas of the Rape Crisis Center, Maureen Davies, Melissa Sillitoe, Chris Williams an AIDS fundraiser, Bobbie Smith and Val Mansfield. Queer Nation was the only organization honored and that was for their non-violent activism. The event last until 10 at night so it was after 10:30 before I was home and asleep.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         DIG AWARDS-STONEWALL CENTER HOSTS AWARDS DINNER MONDAY The gay and lesbian Utah Stonewall Center will host its first "Diversity Is Great" awards dinner Monday, Jan. 18, at 32 E. Exchange Place (355 S. Main), at 6:30 p.m. The dinner will be held to recognize individuals who worked in 1992 to help gay and lesbian people in Utah. Reservations can be made at the Center, 450 S. 900 East, Suite 140, or tickets can be purchased at the door. For information call 539-8800.

·         Page: B3 AIDS STATISTICS IN N. UTAH MISLEADING?    OGDEN -- Health officials say the number of reported AIDS cases in northern Utah may not reflect the actual extent of infection.   They believe people diagnosed with the disease likely move to be closer to advanced medical care and support agencies. One state health official said AIDS cases are on the rise statewide, and northern Utah will see an increase in diagnoses, particularly since national health agencies expanded the definition of the disease.    Salt Lake County has about 76% of the AIDS cases in the state. The Weber/Morgan Health District has 7%;Davis County has 4% and the Bear River Health District about 1%.  Dr. Mark Nichols, director of the Weber/Morgan Health District, said the statistics may not accurately reflect the occurrence of AIDS in northern Utah.  ``They may well come from Weber and Davis County, but they move to Salt Lake,'' he said.  Davis County has had 21 cases of AIDS reported since 1983, the first year a case was reported. No cases have been reported since September 1992. Another 24 people have been diagnosed as carrying the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), which causes the disease. Utah has had 788 HIV-positive cases, the first reported in 1989.  AIDS attacks the body's immune systems, leaving it unable to fight off disease. The virus is found in bodily fluid and is most often transmitted through blood or during sexual contact. Dr. Arnold E. Issacson, director of the Davis County Health Department, said intravenous drug use and homosexual activity -- two major risk behaviors -- are not normally associated with the county's mostly suburban lifestyle.

 19 January 1993 Tuesday

Today is Dad’s 68^th birthday. Reed Cuter the owner of the Riviera, left a message saying that the apartment will be available this Sunday for me to move into so I called Harold Jones to see if he’d help me move. He said he would.

            I’m so truly miserable that I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I wrote Jeff workman a letter today trying to express my feelings. I had to do it. It was my way of divorcing him. My emotions were so liquid that I wasn’t sure what I felt inside. I left the letter on Jeff’s bed. I knew he would read it before going to aerobics but nothing was said to me. What more could be said?

            “Dear Jeff, I really don’t know how or where to begin. My emotions are so liquid right now . I don’t know if I can write you how I feel, but I must try. Intentionally or not, Jeff, you have really wounded me in the heart. I’ve tried my best to recover but your being with Cary and leaving me alone has been like a blow upon an open wound. I’ve had to shut down my senses just to bare the pain. Now I don’t feel anything at all. I don’t hate you. I think it is a great sin to hate someone you once loved. But seeing you is like looking at an empty shelf, reminding me of what is missing.  I hate Cary like the robber and thief he is. He broke into our house and stole away my family. That thief Eric stole trash from our house. Cary stole my treasure. If he had any honor, Cary would not have become involved with you while you were still in a relationship with me. And if you had any loyalty to me you would have ended our relationship before beginning a new one. I could have stood affairs on the side, but not being replaced in your heart with Cary. Cary took my place without my permission. I’d thought it’s a lesson, Cary should have learned by now; that one cannot build happiness on someone else’s misery. I can’t imagine how either of you, in your hearts, are ever going to feel right in your relationship knowing you have wronged me so severely. These past few months, I kept thinking, “What’s best for Jeff? What’s best for us?”  This long weekend has given lots of time to think. I realize now that there’s no “us” anymore, just “them”. I lost the right to seek what is right and best for Jeff.  I am not a part of him anymore.  I am alone again and have just myself to care for and I must be about that business once more.  I did so love taking care of you Jeff, and making you the most important thing in my life. I am sorry I could not make you happy and that you had to seek your happiness elsewhere. I tried the best I knew how to give you a sense of family that would always be there for you but I suppose now your journey does not require that. Good luck on your journey away from me. I will always wish you well and you will always have a home in my heart. Now to the mundane. Jeff we cannot live together anymore. In our hearts we know that. It is not fair to keep you from starting a new life and it’s not fair to me to be constantly reminded of what I have lost. I know it’s not practical for your to be out immediately, so move over with me to the Riviera for the month of February. That should give you a month to find a new place and a chance for us to divide up our lives. I think that this a small request for all that I’ve been through. I know you are in pain also, Jeff, and I am sorry for that, truly I am, but I did not cause it. You made the decision that brought us to this point. Somehow we lost our way to happiness and now the trail divides. I don’t regret my journey with you. I am just so weary of goodbyes. Nothing we say or do, I fear, can ever make the path forward, for us together, happy again. I keep telling myself I don’t love you anymore. It’s a lie but I will keep deceiving myself until it comes true. Take care of yourself. I hope you have given your heart away to someone who won’t break it. Your Sweet Baboo.          

20 January 1993 Wednesday

This morning, after dressing for work, I laid back down on the bed in the darkness and cried. Finally I went to Jeff and we just held each other for the longest time. We agreed to talk after work which we did.

Well we have a brand new President with a brand new enthusiasm. The 5^th grades watched the inauguration in my room. I just wanted to clap the whole time when ever Clinton spoke but Elayne Day and Reva George seemed so gloomy that I didn’t want to rub it in.  I love having a Democrat in the White House again. I am so glad that Mormons will have to deal with us now after 12 years of them shoving their radical Republican mean spirited  agenda down our throats. In the poem that was read Gays were mentioned for the first time. That was so exciting. We have a voice again in the White House. Clinton is our Moses leading us out of the bondage of Mormonism and evangelical fundamentalism. 

            When Jeff and I came home from school we talked about where do we go from here? He told me that he’s getting over Cary Ferrin but now that he’s been working out and losing weight he feels like a little boy in a candy store of Gay men.  I told him that it’s perfectly natural to feel that way when coming out and it’s something he should have done before trying to create a relationship with me. He never had the chance to sow his wild oats before settling down with me as I was his first and only sexual partner until he met Cary.  Now that I understand where his head is at, it is easier for me to figure out what is going on with him, even if it’s not any easier to accept that I am not his lover anymore. 

He’s thinking with his dick not with his heart. I do believe that his heart will always belong to me. But our divorce still stands so we can go on with life. He can’t afford to live on his own  and I can’t afford not to have him in my life. So we will try to live together as friends. Is that possible?

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Larry Ray Brown, 38, passed away peacefully at home in Salt Lake City, January 20, 1993, due to causes related to Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome; AIDS. Larry accepted his illness graciously and surrendered his life with dignity.    Born January 4, 1955 in Salt Lake City to A. Richard and Jacqueline Applegate Brown. Married Michelle Anderson on June 27, 1982. Larry was educated in the Salt Lake City and the Granite School Districts; Leys College, Cambridge, England; Centro Rio Branco, Sao Paulo, Brazil; Snow College, and the University of Utah. Larry has worked full time in residential real estate since 1976. He was proud to be associated with Gump and Ayers Real Estate, Inc. and the Salt Lake Board of Realtors where he voluntarily served on the Community Service Committee and achieved the honor of membership as a Lifetime Member of the Salt Lake Board of Realtors Million Dollar Club. Larry was respected and admired by his co-workers and clients. He will always be remembered for his quick wit and radiant personality. Even after his diagnosis as his body was ravaged with disease Larry continued his community service commitment together with his wife, Michelle. Their story reached thousands of students throughout the state.    The family wishes to express their appreciation and gratitude to Dr. Kristen Ries, Maggie Snyder P.A. and their staff, to Dr. Leo Sotiriou, and the entire nursing staff on the Med III Unit at Holy Cross Hospital.     Larry is survived by his wife, Michelle, and two marvelous children, one son, Nathan, and one daughter, Victoria; his parents, A. Richard and Jacqueline Brown, Salt Lake City; one brother, A. Richard Brown, Jr., Salt Lake City; two sisters, Mrs. Marvin B. (Jackie Lynne) Orr, Draper; and Dianne Brown, Salt Lake City; and three nephews and nine nieces.    Funeral services will be held Saturday 11 a.m. at Neil O'Donnell and Sons Mortuary, 372 East 100 So. where friends may call Friday from 6-8 p.m. Burial Mt. Olivet Cemetery.

 21 January 1993 Thursday

Today is the end of the 2^nd term and it’s hard to believe that the school year is half over already. I stayed home this evening packing and going through closets and cabinets. It’s really hard to know what I can live without for a few days.

            Jeff Workman went out to his aerobic class and didn’t get home until 9 tonight so he was of no help. However we stayed up until 10 talking because it felt more like a Friday because it’s a career Ladder Day tomorrow. I feel so much better knowing where Jeff  is coming from. He’s in his Gay candy store stage where he wants to sample all that is out there.

            Well it’s the first full day of having a Democrat back in the White House after a drought of 12 years. It sounds wonderful to say “President Clinton”.

 22 January 1993 Friday

I am so glad that the Snow Frost Moon cycle is over. The Horny moon usually has a good winter thaw in it. I went to school and saw that vandals had broken outside windows in Mrs. McAdams,  Mr. Olsen and Mrs. Day’s rooms. What a mess. Maybe it’s just as well I am in a windowless room.

           Well I worked on report cards  all day and have them all finished  for the midyear. That felt great so now I can just concentrate on moving this weekend to my new apartment. I wanted to go to the Utah Stonewall Center’s Board of Trustees Meeting tonight but blew it off.  

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         AIDS TESTING BILL Hundreds of Utahns will be forced to give blood for AIDS tests under  a bill introduced in the  Legislature proposing that anyone convicted of prostitution or soliciting a prostitute be tested for HIV.  Results of the tests would be kept on record. Any prostitute or customer found to be HIV positive and who is subsequently arrested for prostitution or soliciting would face felony charges and possible prison time. The intent of the law is to help police and health officials keep AIDS-infected prostitutes off the street, said the bill's sponsor, Rep. Kirk E. Oscarson, D-Sandy. The measure is opposed again this year by the American Civil Liberties Union and the Utah AIDS Foundation. Robert Austin, associate director of the Utah AIDS Foundation, called the bill ``one more instance where the hysteria around HIV prevents any kind of rational response.'' Kathryn Kendell, the ACLU legal director, agreed the bill is likely to win approval but said the ACLU remains concerned. `In the hysteria over AIDS, people find it very easy to sacrifice constitutional protections, particularly the constitutional protections of the `undesirables,' '' she said. (01/22/93  Page: B4  SLTribune)

 23 January 1993 Saturday.

What a day I am having. I was up early to pack more of the apartment up. Reed Cutler our new landlord, said we could pick up the keys to the Rivera apartment this evening.  Bobbie Smith dropped by and we went over to the Utah Stonewall Center together to retrieve more boxes to pack with. He had lots of boxes from people donating books to the library. From there we went to Smith’s to buy some Chinese food for lunch.  Bobbie said that yesterday, at the Board of Trustees meeting, people are upset with Scott Carpenter since he hasn’t turned over the checking account for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council to Michelle Davies. He seems to be ducking everyone. I wonder what is up with him. Randy Richardson is suppose to be having his problems too with the OutFront.

            Anyway, when Bobbie and I get home, who should be sitting in my front room? Becky Moorman! She came back to Utah just to get her things from Alice Hart. Some heterosexual kid named Michael had drove her out to Utah. She wanted several of us to go with her to divert Alice and help her grab her stuff. I was amazed at her audacity and I said "no". I told her that I’d be happy to help her if she and Alice come to some reasonable understanding but as it stands, to forceful enter Alice’s house would be breaking and entering. She became very cool to me after she realized that she could not use me in her nefarious scheme. However Bobbie went along with her. What was he thinking? He had already had some trouble with the law and having to pay back back restitution.

            Todd Bennett and Eric came over to Del Mar Court to retrieve the rest of his things from Bobbie while I was there to make sure only Todd’s stuff was taken.  I made the remark that I was going down to Troy Lunt’s to see the “good” Todd which ruffled some of Todd Bennett’s feathers.

            Anyway down at Troy’s place I stayed and visited for several hours. I just opened myself up to Troy and we really were getting to know each other better after all this time. I told him my John Cunningham story and I talked about how I believed one can cross over time and comfort one’s self at various times in your life.

            I decided to go home at 4 this afternoon and Jeff Workman still was not back from Aerobics and I was getting annoyed because we had so much to do.  By 5:30 I decided just to take a bus over to the Riviera because I wanted to get those keys so we could move tomorrow. Jeff came in at 5:45 and I got after him for being so inconsiderate. I knew he felt guilty so he raced me over but the manager had already left.  It all worked out anyway as I then called the owner and he had made a master set of keys for us.  I was worried as I had made all these arrangements  to have people help us move tomorrow.  Reed came down to the Riviera to give us the keys and  we met our new landlord who seems like a really nice man. I paid him $430 for part of January and all of February's rent.

            Back at the Greek Complex, I went down to Bobbie’s to find out what happened with Becky.  He said that once everyone pulled up at Alice Hart’s house, she spotted them all and called the police. So Bobbie took off with Blair Lewis and Peter Crane. While we were visiting Bobbie gets a phone call from Becky saying she’s in jail!  I guess after Bobbie had left, the police officer made out a field card on Becky and found out that she had all these outstanding warrants from parking violations and other stuff.  She was calling Bobbie to try and find people who would co-sigh for a bail bond. Good luck with that.

            I didn’t even consider it for a moment. I’m sure it’s for at least $150 and I know Becky will skip out of state as fast as she can as soon as she is free. Well perhaps this is a hard lesson for Becky like the hard lesson I learned last year.  You can’t fuck with the law. She always thought she was too clever and never seemed to mind asking others to break the law for her. Becky and Alice, lesbians from hell.

 24 January 1993 Sunday

It was moving day from the Le France apartments owned by the Greek Church to the Riviera Apartments down on 6th South and 9th East. I woke up at 6 this morning and started in packing the kitchen again. It started snowing before I even was up and it wasn’t supposed to snow at all today! It was supposed to have been bright and sun shiny like yesterday.

Jeff Workman and I started taking several loads over ourselves in his truck before noon. It was wet and slushy outside. Last Friday Jeff Workman and I bought a cat carrier for Billy Cat and bringing him over to the Riviera was so much easier although he’s so freaked out. Also last Friday I had the lights transferred to the new place and the cable TV disconnected at the LaFrance. I found out that the Riviera has gas heat instead of steam so I will have to get the gas turned on and the phone transferred over. I’ll do that tomorrow while I am at work.

At noon Bobbie Smith, Jimmy Hamamoto, David Ball, Harold Jones, and Todd Dayley all came over to help Jeff Workman and me move our furniture. Thank the Goddess for loving friends. I bought four large Ambassador pizzas for $25 and some drinks to treat everyone to lunch.  

We finally finished moving the bulk of everything by 5 in the afternoon. Everyone left at 6 this evening. Jeff and I tried to round up enough clothes and stuff for school tomorrow. I so need to get rid of things we don’t use anymore that is just clutter. I have too much crap. Grandma Johnson said that every move is like a fire. Where’s a match.

I went to bed at 8:30 exhausted. I am so sore I can hardly move but I think I am going to love our new apartment. It has two huge bedrooms, a nice kitchen and a great shower in the bathroom. I will never miss LaFrance. It never wanted me there.  

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL        

·         Charles ``Chuck'' Lay died. He was born October 16, 1962 in Salt Lake City, Utah. Charles was a very loving person who enjoyed life to the fullest. He is survived by his family; many, many friends; and his best friend, Jerry Faulkner.   Family and friends would like to thank Dr. Thomas Evans and the staff at the University Medical Center for their care and compassion. WE LOVE YOU AND WILL MISS YOU!    Memorial services will be held Thursday, January 28, 1993 at 1 p.m. at the Cottonwood Mortuary Chapel, 4670 So. Highland Dr.T 1/26 N 1/26

 25  January 1993 Monday

It was hard getting up this morning. It was Jeff Workman’s Career Ladder Day so he drove me to work. I was able to call U.S. West and Mountain Fuel to have the utilities hooked up for our new place at 851 East 600 South apartments 306. I am keeping the same phone number 531-6846.

      After work I walked over to Mountain Fuel and paid $23, they said I still owed from the time Fran and I lived on Roberta Street, as to be able to get service turned on at the Riviera.  I didn’t get home until almost 5 this afternoon. Jeff took me over to LaFrance to get some dirty dishes and stuff left there and some other stuff. He then went to aerobic and weight lifting while I stayed home and worked on pulling the front room together. I watched some of the "Poseidon Adventure" while cleaning and putting things away. Billy Cat  seems to be mellowing out finally in his new digs. I’m going to like our new home.

            Well it is time for new beginnings. The Chinese New Year was last week and Candlemas is in 7 days which is the first Spring. Time for new things to come into my life and let go of the past.

 26 January 1993 Tuesday

Jeff Workman took a personal leave day to go over to the old apartment at LaFrance to clean it. He took me to work so I didn’t have to take the bus but tomorrow I have to figure out a new bus route for myself.  I was paid today. I’m not sure why so early. I cleared nearly $1500.

            I took the 9^th East bus home from downtown. It takes me a little longer to get home then when I used to get off on Main and Broadway. Jeff said it took him three hours to clean the oven at LaFrance. It was horrible and it wasn’t even our mess but hadn’t been cleaned in years. We never used the broiler and that was the worst part.  Anyway we went grocery shopping in the evening finally.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Douglas Roy Ownbey  passed away January 26, 1993 after a long and courageous battle with the AIDS virus. Born March 21, 1958. Doug was an artistic floral designer. A previous owner of a Logan floral shop, and an avid artist and lover of beautiful music.  Children, Danny and Christina; mother.

·         He Created the first Gay Pride Tee Shirt.

27 January 1993 Wednesday

It was a dreary day with the weather pattern stuck in an inversion. I  took the 9^th East bus home from work and I guess that is the bus route I will use to come home on from now on. At home the phone is now working but the phone is only working in Jeff Workman’s room so I’ve got to figure out why. He told me that after aerobics that he was going over to Cary Ferrin’s place to spend the night. He said he was horny. That was kind of insensitive of him but I’ve got to get over him. Jeff also said that he’s taking his sister Diane Workman down for an AIDS test. Her former husband had been exposed to some woman who has HIV.

I worked on the new place especially in my bedroom as much as I could before giving up at 9:30 tonight.  John Reeves from Boston called earlier  to just visit. He said he’s beginning his new term at Bunker Hill Community College. We visited about President Clinton’s pledge to remove the ban against Gays in the military. The president’s position is sure bringing out the homophobes.

Mom also called and said that their Prescott, Arizona house sold and they have to be out by March 1^st.  Mom called really late for me, around 9:30 so I wasn’t very coherent but she said Dad and she were really surprised how fast it sold.  Mom said the house sold for $120,000 so they didn’t lose any money and they dropped their mortgage payment from $800 a month to around $300.

They bought a new house in Cottonwood and their new house is only a couple of years old too, so that should help with the resell value if they decide to move again. The address is 1938 Rancho Mañana. Cottonwood is 16 miles outside of Sedona so they will be so much closer to my Uncle and Aunt, Milton and Marie Williams, who live in Sedona.

This is mom and dad’s third major move in six years. In 1987, after selling our house in Garden Grove, they moved to Victorville, California. From there they moved to Prescott, Arizona in 1990 and now they are moving to Cottonwood. I think this will be a better move for them so they won’t feel so isolated from family.

Dad even got on the phone and talked to me for a while. That was odd as that when even I call and he answers he always hands me off to mom.  He thanked me for the money that I sent him for his birthday. I wonder what is going on with him that he wanted to talk.  

I may have to take some personal days off at the end of February or the 1^st of March to help them move. They don’t have anyone else in Arizona. Everyone else is in California.

 28 January 1993 Thursday

Jeff Workman came home this morning after staying out all night and took me down to the bus stop downtown to catch my bus to work. I have a lot of sick kids with the flu and I’ve had the sniffles all day.

            After work I went to the LaFrance  and cleaned off the back porch and mopped all the floors then came back to the new place to rest.

 29 January 1993 Friday

I’m not feeling well so I made arrangements for a substitute to work for me on Monday. I had a lot of kids out sick. After school, I came home and worked on putting things away at the Riviera Apartment. Jeff Workman said he was over at the old place to finished cleaning it tonight. I was going to go over with Jeff until he informed me that Cary Ferrin  was going to be there helping him. There was no way I wanted to be over there with them. In fact I was even upset that Cary was coming over with Jeff to bring stuff to this apartment from LaFrance.

 ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Phillip N. York passed away January 29, 1993 in Salt Lake City at the age of 33. Born September 18, 1959 in Ridgecrest, California to Robert Lee and Anna Lee Bertram York. Phillip attended Central Methodist College in Fayette, Missouri and Utah State University with music scholarships. He was a piano student under Gary Amano. He is survived by his mother; sisters, Connie Scotti and Pamela Schmutzler; and brother, Chad York, all of Missouri. Memorial services will be held Wednesday, February 3, 1993 at 7 p.m. at the Vintage Square Reception Center, 1760 South 1100 East, Salt Lake City. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Continuity Care Service at Holy Cross Hospital.

 30 January 1993 Saturday

I went over to my old place at the LaFrance to walk through the apartment to check to see if I had missed anything before turning the keys into Sharon Philpot but she wasn’t home. So I slipped the keys under her door.

            I didn’t see Jeff Workman any all day. So I rented 4 videos from Smith’s “Dead Again”, “Finders Keepers”, “The Gamble” that had Matthew Modine in it and another comedy because I knew I’d be spending the night alone here at the Riviera.

 31 January 1993 Sunday

This afternoon, Bobbie Smith called wanted to know if I’d go to the show with Todd Dayley and him. I said sure but we didn’t see a movie we really was interested in watching so we rented 2 movies from Smith’s with Walt Disney’s “Newsies” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. We also picked up Chuck Whyte on the way back here. I made bean  burritos and some popcorn. It was fun.

 Jeff Workman came home about 6 this evening and ate with us but talked on the phone the entire time to  his friend in Alaska mostly. . It was fun having a  few people over and in aeries in the Riviera apartment. It feels so more like home after I had put salt in all the corners to dispel any negativity left over from the last inhabitants. It was a wonderful way to begin Candlemas, the first spring.

It’s funny how Jeff Workman still sleeps with me but not on me anymore. I need to get used to sleeping alone. It hurts to have him spend nights with Cary and then crawl back into my bed like nothing is different. Everything is different. If I can’t have Jeff Workman’s love back, then I want my old space back.

FEBRUARY

1 February 1993 Monday

What a pain in the ass day. After typing up some song lyrics for school, I left the house to get a key made to my new apartment for Bobbie Smith. I returned the videos I rented to Smith’s Food King then walked down 9^th South to Smokey’s Records where I bought two used CDs, “Into the Woods” and “Hair”. From there I walked over to Sears on State and 8^th South  to get a key made at the key shop there. I decided to trek from there up to LaFrance to check if I had any mail and give LeAnn who moved into my old apartment my new address so she can forward any that might come. I also saw Sharon Philpot. She said there shouldn’t be any problem getting my cleaning deposit back as I had left it spotless.

            From LaFrance walked to the Post Office and among other mail, my state tax refund finally came. However the jerks made it out to my ex-wife Fran and me. I walked up to North Temple to First Professional Bank and tried just to deposit it but they wouldn’t let me as long as Fran’s name is on the check.  So I had to walk back down to the Heber C Wells State Tax Building on 3^rd South and 2^nd East where I talked to this woman named Donna Martin.

            I tried to explain that Fran and I did not owe any money to the state in 1985 that this was just an over payment on my part I made. that they just happened to credit to ’85. It was part of a check I wrote last November that was an overpayment. I told her that Fran and I have been divorced since 1988. I don’t have a clue even where she might be living anymore and we definitely do not have a joint account any longer so basically this check is nonnegotiable.

            I tried to be as calm and sympathetic as possible after they first said nothing could be done. Then they reconsidered and took the check back and said that  they’d reissue it with just my name on it . But it will take another 4 to 6 weeks.  It’s a good thing I didn’t have to have the money to live on.

            From there I took a bus home and was disturbed to find a message on my machine from  my principal Mr. Stanger for me to call him. He has never called me at home before. I thought for sure that my secret hiding place has been discovered and the Mormon Nazis were about to drag me away. I was sure someone spilled the beans about me being Gay. However all it was about was his wanting to transfer Dolan Williams into my class since Mrs. Day can’t handle him. I praised Providence that this was all there was to it  and said to Stanger “no problem.”

2 February 1993 Tuesday Ground Hog’s Day

I went back to school today. Jeff Workman is still taking me to the bus stop on Main Street. I got a new student today. His name is Dolan Williams and he was transferred from Elayne Day’s class. Every year I’ve had at least one student taken out of her class and put into mine, but she’s “Hot Stuff”. I guess because she is the wife of a Stake President in the LDS Church.  I have 28 students now, Mrs. Day has 24, and Reva George has 25.

            I came right home after school. Bobbie Smith, who stayed at my apartment to let the phone repair man in, said that the front room outlet is good but it looks like the line in my bedroom is a separate line so there are two phone lines here. However Bobbie has been letting me use a cordless phone so that might solve the problem anyway.

            I typed up some more of David Sharpton’s entries from my Journals tonight. Jeff was gone all evening and didn’t come home at all. It’s time for us to sleep apart. It’s time for him to be in his own room.

 3 February 1993 Wednesday

I was quiet around Jeff Workman the little I saw of him today. It still hurts to have him spend the night with Cary Ferrin and then crawl back into bed with me like nothing is different . Everything is different.  If I can’t have Jeff’s love back then I want my own space back.

            When he came home from work I told him that he ought to make up his own bed up so he could sleep in the other room. Then I went into my room to work on the computer. Jeff  left for aerobics and I didn’t see him anymore for the rest of the night.

I  walked down to Gypsy Moon to deliver a stack of Salt and Sage ‘Zines and then over to Smith’s to get some groceries. At 7 this evening I was at the Stonewall Center where I worked in the library for about an hour typing in books titles. I saw a man there named Glen who I hadn’t seen in years but couldn’t place him from where.  I can’t for the life of me remember  how I know him.

Anyhow Robert Austin was speaking to the Youth Group which is now led by a kid named Terry Gillman. I hope it goes well under his direction. I visited with Bobbie Smith while working about Jeff. I think my friends are upset with him for the way Jeff is treating me the way he does.

At home, David Ball called and said that the Candlemas Sabot will be held at Todd Dayley’s place. We also talked about creating a paper for the community that I have been kicking around for a while, now that the Bridge is gone.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         A House panel decided to slap convicted prostitutes and their customers with a test for the AIDS virus even though the requirement may infringe on privacy rights. ``The state's interest in protecting health sometimes outweighs privacy,'' said Rep. Kurt E. Oscarson, D-Sandy, who sponsored the bill and helped the Health and Environment Committee pass it, 5-4. In a separate action, the full House passed a bill to force convicted sex offenders to submit to an HIV test at their victims' request and to pay for it. The bill, which passed 66-0, also provides for voluntary state-funded testing for victims of sex crimes. Kathryn D. Kendell of the Utah American Civil Liberties Union told the panel the bill is unconstitutional because it discriminates against prostitutes and their customers. She said they may have practiced safe sex, protecting one another from possible health hazards. `You are criminalizing a supposition,'' Ms. Kendall said. Robert Austin of the Utah AIDS   Foundation said the bill is a misguided attempt to curb infidelity, prostitution or the disease itself. He also said it might give the false appearance that prostitutes in Utah are free of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. 02/04/93  Page: A6  SLTribune)

 4 February 1993 Thursday

I still have a lot of kids out sick with the flu. Jeff Workman went to his aerobic class as usual and I didn’t see him for the rest of the evening. I taped another episode of The Simpsons and worked on extracting entries on my friend AIDS activist David Sharpton from my journals.

            John Reeves called from Boston and said that he told his class at Bunker Hill Community College that he was Gay. It was the first time that he had ever “come out” to any of his classes he taught. He said he’s weirded out because of it not knowing how his students will react. It was a brave thing to do.

 5 February 1993 Friday

Jeff workman stayed out again all night and was only home long enough to take me to the bus stop this morning. I had almost 7 kids absent today. Knock on wood that I don’t get sick. It’s hard to teach when a fourth of your class is absent. I had the kids work on a Valentine Art project and watch “The Incredible Journey”.

            When I came home I saw this note taped to the TV “Hey my Sweet Baboo, I have been a creep and have been neglecting you. Would you like to spend a fun filled evening with me? Mark yes I would love to or No Eat Shit! I will be home from the spa around 8:30 or 9. Then we can go out for dinner etc etc.  xoxoxoxoxo Jeff”  Needless to say I was extremely confuses and caught off guard by this note.

            Actually Jeff hadn’t left yet when I discovered the note and was in his bedroom, so I said, “I’d love to go out with you.” I thought perhaps Jeff was finally coming back to his senses.

            I told him that I had to go to Community Council before we could go out. He asked me to skip it but I said I couldn’t besides it would be over by the time he returned from the gym.

            So he left to go do aerobics and ten  I waited for Harold Jones to come over at 6 this evening. He wanted to talk to me before community Council to get my opinion of the Horizon House, the other rival AIDS organization. He was upset with them because he wanted to start a game and cards playing group and wanted to hold it at the Horizon House but he was worried about having to deal with Dick Dotson and Donald Steward. I told him that he had a right to be concerned.

Anyhow we talked about getting together this Sunday to discuss creating a community paper together. He said he would be willing to work on selling ads. We left the apartment at 6:50  to go to Community Council and after pulling into the parking lot, I  heard a hissing sound coming from Harold’s tire. He had run over some glass. So I went with his to PayLess to get some sealant for the tire put the puncture was too big. It didn’t work so we ended up having to change the tire. It was cold and a pain and I was a half hour late for council and missed all the Organizational Reports.

Shane Jones our police liaison didn’t show up again. Curtis Jensen and Dale Sorenson worked out a compromise solution to their fight over the council’s position on lobbying. We voted to give the chair more autonomy on speaking out on advocacy issues without having to come to the council constantly. We abolished the Human Rights Committee since without the ability to actively lobby, its effectiveness is minimal at best. There was a large turnout of people at the council. That was refreshing.

Anyway Jeff said he’d pick me up after council but after waiting until 9:30, I went ahead and walked home. Jeff was there washing some clothes. I was peeved because I thought what a fine way to start a fun filled evening. We went to the Red Iguana for dinner but it was after 10 at night when we finally ate. Jeff was less than enthusiastic towards me and I really had the feeling that this was a pity date.

Earlier Bobbie Smith, Todd Dayley and Dave Ball had asked me to come to the SUN with them so I asked Jeff if he wanted to go dancing and he did. Stephanie Thomas was working the door so I didn’t have to show any ID to get in.

In the club, Jeff didn’t even sit next to me and I thought, “Here I am alone again”. So I visited with some friend of Todd Dayley and danced a little with him before going home about 12:30 in the morning.  Jeff had wanted to leave earlier but I didn’t care. I left with Jeff but I wasn’t with him. Some fun filled evening.

 6 February 1993 Saturday

Jeff Workman left this afternoon to spend the day with his sister Diane who is returning to Colorado after all. He said he had to take her to the airport so he wouldn’t be able to make it to the Faerie Gathering tonight.

I made rice and black beans for the feast and rode over with Matt Wilson and Jimmy Hamamoto.  I was peeved at Matt for keeping me waiting 20 minutes out in the cold. Jimmy Hamamoto is in a quandary about what to do with his program at KRCL. Station Managers Dave Young and Ken Pavia basically told him that Jimmy had to stop playing so much of his alternative music on his Sixties’ Show and start playing more mainstream music from that period. They also said that he’s playing too many Gay public service announcements during his show.

Jimmy Hamamoto is upset and doesn’t know if he can do what Dave and Ken wants or whether Jimmy even wants to. He doesn’t want his show to turn into work. Their major complaint is that Jimmy’s show should be a bread winner and back bone of the fund drives but they don’t feel  that he’s pulling in the bucks like he should. He’s pretty disheartened.

The Gathering was held at Todd Dayley’s place and we celebrated the Horny Full Moon as well as Candlemas. Terry aka Thoth and David Ball were supposed to be the Pillar and “Tit” [Troll in Training]. However Thoth has a performance tonight and couldn’t make it to the gathering so David Ball basically ran the show. Faeries who attended were Bobbie Smith, Jimmy Hamamoto, David Ball, Todd Dayley, Harold Jones, Firefly, Tom Hennacy, Kevin warren, Wolf, Amoeba, Troy Lunt and myself. We did some visualization, some healing, a candle ritual and feasting. Ron Priddis showed up late about when the Faerie Gathering was over.

After most people left, Bobbie, Dave, Todd, Casey, Troy and I stayed to play Ancient World Diplomacy.  I was Egypt. We played until 1 in the morning so we were really tired by the time we finished. Bobbie and I tied, losing to Todd. Casey gave me a ride home and Troy wanted me to find out if Casey was dating anyone. I found out that he in fact is in a four year relationship.

 7 February 1993 Sunday

The cable TV that was in this apartment was shut off on Friday so I have gone all weekend without the tube on but I did hear that Arthur Ashe, the former tennis champion died of AIDS yesterday.

            Jeff Workman stayed out all night and only came home long enough to get some clothes for his aerobic class. John Reeves called me and said his wife filed divorce papers on him. He should have done it years ago on her! She’s a bitch from "mental illness hell" and have turned his kids against him.

            I cooked in the kitchen for most of the day fixing cheese enchiladas, Spanish rice, bean dip, pineapple salsa, a salad, and made cinnamon rolls for all the guys who helped Jeff and I move.  I also invited Chuck Whyte.

Harold Jones came over about 1 this afternoon so we could talk about putting a Gay magazine out. That was a big mistake. I should have followed my gut instincts and listened to my own judgment. Harold Jones was quarrelsome, unsupportive of any of my ideas, and generally was calling me dictatorial as I had told him that I was going to be the editor in chief in any publication I start.

I told him upfront that I really just wanted him to help sell advertisements. He wanted to be part of the editorial staff and make decisions about what is printed. I told him that the faeries had been working on the Salt and Sage for a year and a half and not once had he ever written anything for it or helped out in the production aspect of the ‘zine. That kind of shut him up. Mostly I think what bothered me the most was that he doesn’t trust my vision. When I was writing for the Triangle I never said to Satu Servigna, “I want to have more say and control over your magazine.” All I ever said was “How can I help?” I don’t need Harold Jones’s crankiness. Putting out a Gay paper will be hard enough.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Timothy Heidel, age 51 died of AIDS complications at his home in San Diego. Tim and Terry Scott were proprietors of Timothy's Restaurant, ``Utah's finest restaurant'' (Jay Livingood-Deseret News). Tim and Larry Wood were owners of Heidelwood Grooming.  Survived by long-time companion, Terry Scott

 8 February 1993 Monday

Jeff came home this morning after staying out all night. I think he just came home to change clothes for work. I didn’t say a word to him all day. Actually all morning, because I only saw him when he took me downtown to catch my bus to work. I just don’t have a lot to say to him right now. He’s made his life separate and apart from me.

            It was an early out day but I had to stay late to work on the grant proposal for the Artist In Residence project. At home I called the cable people. They said I have to pay them $36 first before I can get someone to come out and hook up the cable. They said I have to pay in person but I won’t be able to do that until Saturday.

           Jeff never came home tonight so I worked on the computer and watched some videos. Yesterday this Mormon nut named Cody Judy tried to hold Howard W Hunter, a Mormon Apostle, hostage at BYU at a Fireside down there.  Judy thinks he’s the next Mormon Prophet. Also in the news, Arthur Ash the tennis player died of AIDS, I think last Saturday. I didn’t get a newspaper or have the television on  to really hear the news. 

 9 February 1993 Tuesday

It was warm enough today that it actually rained some. I’m still not speaking to Jeff Workman. He spent the night away from the apartment again. I don’t know if I feel hurt, anger, disgust, sorrow or what anymore. Do I feel anything for Jeff anymore?

             I missed my Centerville bus connection home after school, so I had to stand in the rain and wait for the Ogden Bus. At the Crossroads Mall, I met Terry Gilman, one of the up and coming Youth Group Officers and we rode the bus together until I got off on 9^th East. I tried to visit with him and give him some good advice about being more visible at the Gay and Lesbian Community Council.

            Anyway I didn’t get home until 5 in the late afternoon and Jeff still wasn’t home. I was certain that he was going to be gone, spending the night with Cary Ferrin. At 6 this evening I met with some Faeries at the Utah Stonewall Center after knowing that it was impossible to work with Harold Jones. Bobbie Smith, David Ball, and Todd Dayley met with me to discuss putting together a newspaper for the Gay community beyond the Salt and Sage faerie zine. We left the Center and went out to dinner at Rude Café over at their new location to discuss what I hope to do with a community paper. Todd Dayley picked up our tab for dinner and from there we went to Village Inn to have coffee and dessert and to really get down to business. We decided it’s best to go with a newspaper format the size of 17 inches by 22 inches; and for the enterprise to be a non-profit; and organized under my Delta Institute’s non-profit Articles of Incorporation I had made for Beyond Stonewall.

I said I wanted us to be equal partners with equal salaries. Bobbie Smith agreed to be the Advertizing Executive, David Ball the managing Editor, Todd Dayley the art design and layout Editor, and I will be the Editor In Chief. It’s going to be a campy newspaper for the Gay men’s community. Todd Dayley said he would contact his friend Brandon Creer to see if he’d help with accounting. David Ball is going to check with Hoffine Printing for costs. Bobbie Smith is going to start gathering a list of potential advertisers. I think we can do this. Bobbie Smith said that Joe Redburn of the Trapp has already approached The Private Eye Weekly about putting out a newspaper. We need to jump on this if we are going to have a going to press date the 21st of each month.

After the meeting, David took me to the Post Office and then to the store so I could get some cat litter for Billy Cat. I didn’t want to ask Jeff. Dave said that I should tell Jeff that he doesn’t “owe” me anything and should just move out. It was after 9:30 at night before I was able to go to bed. I woke up at 10 when I heard Jeff come home. Why he didn’t stay with Cary is beyond me.

 10 February 1993 Wednesday

My heart is breaking. Jeff Workman left me to move out, and in with Cary Ferrin.  This morning Jeff took me to the bus stop downtown and it was snowing. Again we didn’t speak because what more is there to say? School went okay and I had two former students Brandi Meyers and Scott Lollis dropped by my classroom to see me.  I was feeling pretty good from their visit and saying that I was their favorite teacher, and I was rushing home to get a bite to eat before going to the Stonewall Library to volunteer. I was surprised to find Jeff home already.

            It was strained between us but he said that the cable man had come and hooked up our service. Jeff said he went ahead and paid the bill.  Then as I sat down on the couch, Jeff came and sat next to me and started crying.  He said that he had stayed home from work today and moved all his things out. When he told me the news, it felt like a knife had sliced through my heart. I began to sob out of control. 

When I saw his empty room, I was destroyed beyond any more words. I cried and cried and between crying, I held sweet Jeff Workman in my arms, cradling him, trying to comfort the despair welling up in his heart. It was unbearable. I had to block out my feelings because he was in so much pain too. However I wasn’t allowed to suffer from grief because sweet Jeff was suffering so. It was his first heart break.

I didn’t really want Jeff Workman to leave; only treat me better, and let our family be a family again. Jeff Workman was crying so out of control that I thought my heart could not withstand hearing his sobs. We held each other and I said I was so tired of losing people I love. I am so tired of the loss.  Jeff Workman said that he had to leave to find himself so what more was there to say?

Jeff asked if he could keep the apartment and post office box keys. I said yes. He asked if he could come see me Friday. I said yes. He was in so much pain and as he left, I told him please don’t cry I can’t stand to see you cry especially as you leave me, and then he left.

I called Bobbie Smith and said I won’t be able to make it into the library tonight. My soul is in hell. I am so devastated. I need to have my heart bound up. I need my Goddess mother to cradle me in her eternal arms. Such a bitter, bitter, way to end our family. Goodbye. Goodbye my love, goodbye.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         William Gregory Albiston 43, died in Los Angeles, California of complications due to AIDS. He was a native of Ogden, Utah. He graduated from East High School and attended the U of U.  He was active in politics serving with the Young Democrats for Governor Calvin Rampton. In moving to California he was employed by Data Systems, GTE, Government Systems Corp. as Manager of Finance, where he worked up to the time he became unable to work. Greg loved classical music and was an avid concert and opera patron and supporter of the arts. Survived by his special companion Dan Finn, of Los Angeles, Calif.;

 11 February 1993 Thursday

I was up this morning at 5:30 because I was not sure how I was getting to work. Checking the bus schedules, I found that a 9^th East bus came at 6:40 that would get me downtown in time to catch a bus into North Salt Lake. It was relatively easy to catch the connection so at least that stress is gone.

            I was okay at work. I really didn’t have a lot of time to think about the break up, but as soon as I walked in the door at home to an empty apartment, I began to cry. But I didn’t have much time to feel sorry for myself because David Ball came over  so we could catch an early show at the Tower Theater to see “Swoon”. The showing was a benefit for the Stonewall Center with half of the ticket proceeds going to the Center.

            Curtis Jensen, Chris Brown and some other Queer Nation types were there also. Swoon was about Loeb and Leopold, the Gay child killers of the 1920’s. It was good except that it bothered me that they used a touch tone phone for a prop instead of a rotary one. To me it was a glaring faux pas.

            Anyway coming home we stopped at Smith’s so I could buy some heart shape suckers  for my class room party tomorrow, I really didn’t buy a lot of sweets for my class this year. I have room mothers who are willing to do it for me.

            Back home, Bobbie Smith, Todd Dayley, and Troy Lunt came over to see how I was doing and to check up on me. I started to cry again and said I wanted them to call Jeff and comfort him too, because I know he’s in a lot of pain also. I said that Jeff should be included in the newspaper business but it has to be their decision not mine.

Troy heard the music I had playing on the five CD disk player and he said to me that they caught me with my “drawers in” meaning that I was playing all these sad love songs. Troy calls it “scoring” my life. I guess being a Gay man I do have to have background music for all occasions.

To take my mind off Jeff Workman, we all talked about the newspaper venture. David Ball said he went and talked to Hoffine Printing and said it will cost about $250 to have an eight page paper with a run of 3,000 copies. Bobbie Smith and Todd Dayley weren’t all that keen of the name Jeff Workman and I had come up with last year. They didn’t like the name The Male Organ and they suggested the name The Pillar of the Community.

I did not like it at all but didn’t want to be negative right off the bat. I said The Pillar might be okay but it doesn’t have much of a ring to it. I think the paper should be Gay indentified.  Troy Lunt suggested “The Homo Herald” which I liked much better but Bobbie Smith said that a Pillar was phallic. So the Pillar could be a good name I suppose as it connects with our Faerie roots. Perhaps “Pillar and Post” or the Rainbow Pillar. I just don’t know.

Anyway we all stayed and talked until 9:30 at night when I shooed everyone away so I could go to bed.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         DIG AWARDS GAY GROUP HONORS SEVERAL UTAHNS, ORGANIZATIONS The Utah Stonewall Center, a project of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah Inc., sponsored an awards dinner to honor groups and individuals who have "created positive change for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in Utah." Recipients and contributions of "Diversity is Great" awards went to Lou and Lee Weyer and Kim Pelton, Salt Lake Police Sgt. Dave Ward, Maureen Davies, Kim Russo and Val John Mansfield.  Also, Robert Smith, Chris Williams, Salt Lake County Commissioners Randy Horiuchi and Jim Bradley, David Nelson, Ray Henke, "Joanie Lynn," Marshall Brunner and Kathy Worthington. Other recipients were Melissa Sillitoe and Queer Nation. Deseret News

12 February 1993 Friday

It’s getting easier to catch the morning bus. We had our classroom Valentine’s Party this afternoon. I was not much in the Valentines mood. My 5^th grade co worker, Reva George, gave me a potted plant of daffodils. That certainly made things brighter.

            After school, I went straight home to unwind. I was also expecting Jeff Workman to show up because he said he wanted to see me and ask how my day and week went. I guess I either misunderstood or it’s still too early to see each other because he never showed up. I cried some more tonight. I just miss him so much but we did divorce last January. This was just the end. Today is my ex-wife Fran’s 48^th birthday.

 13 February 1993 Saturday

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and just decided to get up and straighten up the apartment. I moved the glass top brass dining room table into Jeff’s room and I brought the single bed up from the storage room and but it back together. I did some laundry and typed up some more memoirs of David Sharpton.

            Chuck Whyte called me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Affirmation’s Valentines dance and I said I really wasn’t up to socializing especially at a Valentine’s dance and with Affirmation people. So instead I convinced him to go to the show with me. We went to Trolley Square and saw John Goodman in “Matinee”. It was a nostalgic look at B grade horror movies. It was cute but nothing spectacular. We ate some Chinese food at Trolley Square. Since Chuck was ready to go home, we went and saw Walt Disney’s Aladdin because he had never seen it before. I treated him to both movies while he spring for dinner. It was a nice diversion to keep my mind off of Jeff Workman. Time will heal this too.

 14 February 1993 Sunday Valentine’s Day

I slept in until 7 this morning then started messing around the place. I was having the gang over for Sunday dinner today, so I walked down to Smith’s to pick up some groceries. I was lugging them home when Donald Steward, seeing me walking, stopped and gave me a lift. I told him about starting up a Gay men’s newspaper to be called The Pillar. He said that Randy Richardson’s failed OutFront was a fiasco and thought a paper ran by me would work fine as people in the community are “comfortable” with me.

I had asked Chuck Whyte yesterday about the concept of a paper and he said he thought “The Pillar” was a great name so I guess I was wrong. Good to be wrong sometimes.

I called John Reeves back in Boston when I was home this morning for a long visit. I told him about Jeff Workman moving out. I get so weepy whenever I talk about it.

Later I made split pea soup, baked potatoes with sautéed  mushrooms, red peppers, and onions in wine and sour cream sauce, served with hard rolls and a salad for the Craft gathering.  I had invited Chuck Whyte but he wanted to go to the Royal Court’s King and Queen of Hearts Ball instead.

Those faeries who flitted over were Troy Lunt, Jimmy Hamamoto, Bobbie Smith, David Ball and Todd Dayley. They all showed up with sandwiches, drinks, chips, and cookies so it was a pig out feast. But since we planned on playing Diplomacy after the business meeting it worked out just great.  However when I told Jimmy that Jeff had moved out I started to cry.

 I played music from Le Cage Aux Folles and a Disco Years' CD that I picked up from my  Post Office Box yesterday, while we ate.  Afterwards Troy Lunt and Jimmy Hamamoto took naps while Todd Dayley, David Ball, Bobbie Smith, and I worked on Pillar business. Todd Dayley said he had asked Brandon Creer if he’d work as the Financial Executive and he was thrilled to be asked. Brandon is the only non faerie but his joining gave us five partners for the directions of East, West, North, South, and Inside. I asked the group to keep a slot open for Jeff Workman if he ever comes to his senses and wants to join us.

We went over advertizing, layout, distribution, and content.  Todd Dayley came up with a great masthead using an image of a capstone of a Corinthian pillar. Brandon is going to meet with me sometime next week to go over the Articles of Incorporation and our nonprofit status. We agreed to give Bobbie Smith twenty five percent of the advertising rates for the ads and split the remainder among the staff or whoever goes out and gets advertisers. Any way after the meeting we played Diplomacy and watched a movie so it was nearly midnight before everyone left to go home. 

 15 February 1993 Monday Presidents’ Day

It’s Presidents Day so I didn’t have to go into work. Bobbie Smith called me this morning to visit. He said that Bob Manchertz asked him if it was true that Jeff Workman and I split up. I said news travels fast. Well Bob heard it from Jeff so he must have been pumping Bobbie for some dirt. I still expect to see Jeff’s truck in the parking space as if it was a phantom.

            My mirror that I had for 15 years broke today and last Monday a picture fell off a wall breaking the glass and last month at the old apartment, my glass frame for the poster that Debbie Rosenberg had brought me from New York City broke. I feel that all of it is symbolic of Jeff and I breaking up. You can’t put the pieces of broken glass back together for even if you tried slivers would always be missing and the cracks would visible, You have to replace the class.

            Dave Ball came over at 11:30 this morning to run me around on some errands. I went to Smith’s to buy a lot of staples too heavy to lug home on my own and to cash a check. We then went to Gypsy Moon in the 9^th and 9^th area to buy some incense.  I took Dave to the State Noodle House for lunch for taking me all around shopping.

            After eating, we went to a used record store where I bought a Beethoven CD and the Best Hits of Steely Dan. Finally we went to Pick and Save where I bought some large throw pillows for the front room. It was nearly 2:30 in the afternoon before I had all my errands done thanks to David.

I began to input material for the newspaper and worked on it for most of the rest of the day. In the late afternoon David Ball called me from the Stonewall Center and said Randy Richardson’s OutFront magazine is finally out and it’s really a joke. It’s Xerox quality with hardly anything about the community written in it. David Ball thinks Randy is ready to fly the coop and he only put the paper out because Joe Redburn was about to sue him for taking advertizing money without putting out a product.

Anyway I feel lost in this big old apartment. I kind of feel like how I felt in 1971 in California when Jim Dalton said he’s move in with me at the Sycamore Apartments in Placentia and then didn’t, leaving me in an empty apartment. I felt so alone and abandoned. That’s exactly how I feel now. Alone and abandoned.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         OGDEN Workshop: ``Gay & Lesbian Support Group,'' 2:30 p.m., Room125, Building 1, contact-counseling Center for interview. At Weber State University

 16 February 1993 Tuesday

I went back to work after a long 3 day President’s Day break that was restful. The kids are kind of hyper though, but it’s this time of year. We all have cabin fever, I suppose.

            I came home and fixed a light dinner and watched the news. I spent the evening typing content on the computer for The Pillar. David Ball dropped by for a brief visit. He said that at the Utah Stonewall Center’s Board of trustees meeting, Randy Richardson, the editor and owner of the OutFront, was trashed. The police did a background check on him and found I guess mega dirt; all criminal stuff not sexual stuff.  Well I hope he doesn’t trash the community as he says he’s going to do.

            I hope Jeff Workman is doing okay. I’m sure he is or I’d hear something.

            In the news people are in a dither about President Clinton’s proposed tax hikes. Well it’s time to pay the piper. Reagan tripled our National Debt. It is only fair that those who benefited the most from the plundering of America now pay the most.

 17 February 1993 Wednesday

It is so very cold outside. It could be worse I suppose. I talked to no one today after leaving work and heading to the Stonewall Library  to volunteer. I was kind of lonesome so I didn’t want to be home, alone.

            I typed on the computer before heading down to the Center to volunteer in the library. Bobbie Smith was there and another volunteer, named Glen who I finally remembered where I knew him from. I met him year ago around 1986 or 1987 as a friend of Jim Hunsaker.

            The Youth Group was having a raffle of some CD tonight. I am meeting tomorrow night with Todd Dayley and his friend named Brandon who wants to come on board with the Newspaper Project.

            I keep wondering if Jeff Workman is happy and whether he made a good decision. As long as he is happy, my being so unhappy doesn’t seem to hurts as much. Life goes on and happy times will return as surely as the swallows return to Capistrano.

            The wheel of life is turning. I still love being Gay, heart break and all. Well at least I have Billy Cat still with me and he kind of loves me. So many people have died of AIDS recently. It’s mind boggling. I’m not sure but I think Randy Shilts who wrote "And The Band Played On" died today.          

18 February 1993 Thursday

It was so cold today. It time for spring to get here. I still come home and half expecting to see Jeff Workman home but I’ve got to get over it. He’s not coming back. If he wanted to stay with me, he would have. I have to accept the fact that he wanted to leave. At home I just fixed a bowl of pinto beans and corn bread for my supper.  Todd Dayley canceled coming over because of his work schedule. I will meet his friend Brandon Creer sometime this weekend. 

19 February 1993 Friday

Today we had our Science Fair in the afternoon. It was pure bedlam and really wore me out.. I had to laugh because yesterday on the Simpson’s they also had a science fair and Principal Skinner said, “Pretty good science fair  considering we have no Asians at our school.”

            I stayed home this evening typing up news stories. I’ve got to stop thinking about Jeff Workman. If he comes back, he will come back. If not I have my memories.  

20 February 1993 Saturday

We had a blizzard blow in this afternoon. It was really something else. The morning was nice enough that I even walked the two and half miles to the post office and back. Jeff Workman had been there already I noticed.

Downtown was awash with adolescents in baggy sports shorts for the NBA playoffs hoopla. Heterosexual heaven is a basket ball and a hoop. Anyway by the time I reached home it was sprinkling .

I wanted to go get some groceries for tomorrow but by noon it was really gusty outside and  beginning to dump the snow. An inch came down in 20  minutes and there were 6 inches in 3 hours.  The landscape was frosted over again and milky white. Needless to say I was unable to get outside again until nearly 4 in the afternoon.

I spent the time inside working on The Pillar, typing up an essay on the upcoming National March On Washington. When Todd Dayley and Bobbie Smith dropped by, I asked Todd if he would run me to Smith’s which he did. I managed to buy what I needed to make spinach lasagna for tomorrow.  After they left I continued working until I went to bed at 9 tonight as I was so tired from waking up so early.  

21 February 1993 Sunday

I woke up early after a fitful sleep. I am surprised I can sleep at all anymore. Anyway I lounged around reading the Sunday paper before getting up out of bed at 8 this morning to start preparing dinner for the Pillar gang. I made spinach eggplant lasagna that took about an hour to prepare. Then I straightened up the place, scrubbed the bathroom, and did a load of laundry before folks started coming over at 2 this afternoon.

Those faeries who came over were Todd Dayley, David Ball, Jimmy Hamamoto, Bobbie Smith, Tom Hennacy, and Firefly. Todd Dayley’s friend Brandon Creer and his hippie lover Steve also came for dinner. There were lots of food, lots of visiting, and Jimmy Hamamoto brought over faerie music. I also played an LP record from the 1979 March on Washington.

Brandon Creek is a very handsome man, in a very rugged  masculine way. He has piercing blue eyes, long black hair and a beard. His lover Steve is also very handsome in a New Age hippie kind of way. He has long flowing salt and pepper hair, clean shaven, and exudes feminine strength. They complement each other.

Todd Dayley is a teddy bear like me, round and firm and fully packed. At our business meeting we agreed to go with Brandon’s suggestion of starting out as a small business and bagging being under the auspices of the Delta Institute’s non-profit status for a while. I came up with a great name for the business that we will be operating under. It’s “Uranian Publications Ltd” as that Uranian was the 19th Century term Karl Ulrich coined for homosexuals.  Kind of gives us a high tech sound don’t you think?

Todd Dayley had run off a sample demo copy of the cover for the newspaper. He’s great at layout and design. Bobbie Smith and he have worked on an advertizing page and contract.  David Ball is going to check on the rates at Hoffine Printing for a 12 page paper with 5,000 copies. I’m still typing away on content.  We agreed today that we would be a General Partnership with an equal split of the profits.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         R. F. Scott Burris (Jorgensen,) our beloved son, brother and friend, died at Doxey Hatch Medical Center, after a courageous struggle with illness.   Born June 13, 1942 in Salt Lake City, Utah.   Scott loved people and touched everyone’s life that he met.   Mass will be celebrated Tuesday, February23, 1993, 12 noon, at the St. Vincent DePaul Catholic Church, 1375 East Spring Lane.   In lieu of flowers, it was Scott's wishes to have donations sent to St. Vincents School Foundation, 1375 E. Spring Lane, SLC Ut.84117. Directors, Neil O'Donnell & Sons Mortuary. 

22 February 1993 Monday

Back to school on a snowy day. I’m meeting with Bryce Astill’s parents tomorrow. He’s flaking off again. I didn’t get a chance to have much planning time because there was another Artist In Residence meeting. The deadline for the grant application is next Monday.

At home, I got a phone call from Brandon Creer saying he wanted to meet with everyone tomorrow about some business decisions. I spent the evening sorting through files and filing news clippings away. Todd Dayley dropped by to pick up the news copy I’ve prepared already.

I came across a photograph of Jeff Workman I had tuck in a key chain holder. It made me cry. I put it by my bed. You picked the wrong time to leave me Jeff. This newspaper should have included you as it was our dream last year,

I went to bed by 9 tonight feeling a little weary but excited about the prospects of the paper.  

23 February 1993 Tuesday

I saw in the Tribune this morning how Bob Waldrop is suing the City for towing his car for a packing violation. I had to laugh. Bob is such a character. I had a slight headache all day. I hope I am not getting sick. Bobbie Smith has some type of crud that is going around.

I met with Bryce Astill’s parents and they were very supportive of what I am trying to do with him to keep him focused and productive.

There is a lot of exciting news about The Pillar today. At 5:30 the Pillar partners came over to my apartment and Brandon Creer said he found a place for a business address and a phone message for $50 a month. He also had us agree to a General Partnership under the name Uranian Publishing and he filed for a trade mark the name The Pillar. He’s been fantastic.

David Ball looked up what it will cost for a bulk rate stamp which is $75 a year and seventeen cents per item. I gave David Ball a check for $75 to start that process. Todd Dayley said he loved my article on the March on Washington. It’s going to cost about $475 to print 5,000 copies of 12 pages with some color. The names we are going with, for publishing information purposes, are Ben Williams, Bobbie Smith, David Ball, Todd “Dailey”, and “Brandon Allen”.

I received a call from Joe Redburn on my answering machine. Bobbie Smith said that Joe probably wants to talk to me about the Private Eye starting up a Gay Paper. However we agreed tonight that as a general partnership he’d have to meet with the five of us to discuss anything. However we also agreed that we want to do a newspaper that we alone control and that I have complete editorial input.

Brandon Creer and Todd Dayley were surprised when I told them that this paper is somewhat of a coup in the community. Bobbie Smith and David Ball understood completely. It’s amazing how this is all coming together. Our meeting lasted one and half hours and after the others left I tried returning Joe Redburn’s call but he wasn’t home. So I left a message where he could find me. I typed up three articles on a column I call “Wacky Heterosexuals” the rest of the evening before going to bed at 9 tonight. 

24 February 1993 Wednesday

I had to stay an hour after school working on the Artist In Residence application grant. We had a woman from the program come up to help us write a good proposal. After getting a bite to eat at home, I walked up to the Utah Stonewall Center to volunteer in the library. There I heard a lot of juicy gossip. Evidently Randy Richardson left town with several thousand dollars of people’s money he had scammed. Terry Gilman of the Youth Group said that Officer Shane Jones is filing charges against him.

Brandon Creer dropped by the Utah Stonewall Center to get our signatures on a General Partnership agreement as that Bobbie Smith, David Ball, and I were all in one spot working in the library. He said he is already getting complaints about the newspaper being only for the men’s community and Kevin Hillman told David Ball that he didn’t like the idea of a separate paper. Well why didn’t someone make the same complaint  to Kathy Worthington when she started the Womyn’s Community Newsletter?

Also a man from the governor’s office came to the Center to look at a copy of the Salt and Sage. Evidently the governor’s home phone number is in the personals and was getting a few strange calls. Ha! The security person said that the governor can take a joke as well as the next guy but wants the number taken out. Oh that Jimmy Hamamoto. It wasn’t me. In a matter of the heart, Bobbie Smith said Jeff Workman called Matt Wilson and said he wouldn’t be acting as a Pillar at the Easter Gathering.  

25 February 1993 Thursday

 I woke up to a snow packed morning. A snow storm blew in during the night and dropped at least 6 inches of new snow on the ground. It was still snowing when I left for work. I am tired all the time from getting up at 5:30 but I will survive.

            I went to the P.O. Box after work and I had 2 CDs  come in. One was the soundtrack for Honeymoon In Vegas and the other was Rosemary Clooney’s Greatest Hits. Jeff Workman had a few things there also.  I just left them there for him to pick up. I also received a thank you note from the Hardwick, Massachusetts Historical Society for the Jonathan Danforth biography I left with them  last summer

            Taking the 4:45 in the afternoon bus home was a nightmare as it was standing room only. I was afraid I’d might poke someone eye out with my umbrella who was sitting down beside me. I finally managed to get off on 9^th East and 4^th South and walked home in the snow rather than endure waiting for a crowded 9^th East bus. They are always crowded. They need to run more during rush hours.

            When I made it to the Riviera, I was exhausted and cold and had some left over lasagna for my supper. I also taped a rerun of the last episode of "MASH" for Bobbie Smith. I tried also to type  some. Chuck Whyte wants me to write him a check for his rent since he doesn't get paid until the 5^th of March and his rent has to be paid on the 1^st or pay a hefty late fee. I said I would.

            I heard from Bobbie that Randy Richardson absconded with at least $4500 from Charles Jones the guy who is running a Fifty Plus Support Group for men.  Ron Johnson of the Utah Gay Rodeo was also taken by this crook. Anyway Todd Dayley said he had all the articles I’ve given him inputted but he needs more. I typed up some articles on Gay Spirituality but gave up at 9 tonight and went to bed. There’s always tomorrow.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         HUMAN RIGHTS-ABUSE LECTURES The Salt Lake YWCA, 322 E. Broadway, is continuing its free Thursday noontime lecture series on human rights abuse. - Feb. 25 - "Against Gays." Robert Austin, associate director of the Utah AIDS Foundation, will discuss sodomy laws, family laws and anti-discrimination legislation and their impact on the public lives and families of homosexual men and women.

·         `Robert Austin, of the  Utah AIDS Foundation, spoke about discrimination through laws and anti-discrimination legislation in a talk entitled `Against Gays,'' at the U of U 

26 February 1993 Friday

It’s strange that February could be over so soon already. I wasn’t feeling very well today like I am on the verge of a cold coming on. I kept sneezing all day at work and it’s too early for hay fever. I had the kids change out the classroom bulletin boards taking down all the Valentine motifs and putting up a March St. Patricks Day Theme. After school was out Brenda Tau’a took me home into Salt Lake because we had to drop off our  application for the Artist In Residence program at the State Office of Education.

            Mom called me this evening and said that my Uncle Milton’s operation showed that he had cancer on his lung and is given only 30 percent chance of recovery. I said let’s not be burying him yet. Mom and Dad are moving out of their house in Prescott to Cottonwood this weekend and then heading back to Texas for a while to see Grandpa and the rest of the bunch there.

 27 February 1993 Saturday

I woke up early. I couldn’t sleep in any longer so I got up and straighten up the place. Around 10 this morning, I walked down to Smith’s, bought some groceries, then walked back home. It was cold out and I hated lugging groceries home in my shoulder strap bag but one got to do what you have to do.

            Chuck Whyte came over in the afternoon and wrote him a check for $300 so he can pay his rent. He wrote me a check but said I can’t cash it until March 5^th. Todd Dayley and Bobbie Smith also came by to pick up more articles I’ve written for the Pillar. They also took me back down to the store to buy some more groceries for tomorrow’s dinner I am fixing for a business meeting.

            Bobbie said that the In-Between is officially closed now. Donny Eastepp went back to Texas to die I suppose. It was sad to hear that the In-Between is gone. I had some really good times there when I was coming out.

            I stayed home the rest of the evening and typed up a news story on the In-Between closing. It will be interesting to see how this paper turns out. Robert Olson  called me tonight to visit. He said that he wouldn’t be making it to gatherings anymore as he’s moving on, I suppose like I am.

            Yesterday I was so melancholy for Jeff Workman. I wrote him a letter asking what he is going to do. I don’t expect a reply.

            Dear Jeff, Happy Birthday. I miss you. Are you ever coming home? Or are you trying to create a new life without me? I just wish I knew what was going on in your head. I’d like to give it another try. Maybe you don’t. If you are really gone and I have no room in your new life, I need to know that too. I have a box in your bedroom of things left behind, including your high school yearbooks. If you aren’t coming home, you’ll need things for your new home. The single bed in the front room is yours if you don’t want your grandmother’s bed. You can have the chest of drawers in your old room also if you want. Please take either the dining table in the kitchen or the one I put in the bedroom and two chairs. The CD player is yours also. I am at the Stonewall library from 6 pm until 8:30 on Wednesdays if you want to come get these things without seeing me. After locking up you could throw the house keys and the P.O. Box key through the mail slot. If you want me there to help you move I will do that too. If you want me to keep everything the same, to give you more time, I will do that too. If you want to come home and try to work out a new relationship I will do that too. I hope you are healthy, happy, and content. You will always have a home in my heart. Love always Ben.

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

·         Page: C3 HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR CHARGED WITH LEWDNESS   A Highland High School counselor has been charged with forcing two male students to fondle him during a meeting with the youths in his Salt Lake City school office. Lynn T. Wood, 54, grabbed the boy’s hands and placed them on his genitals during a Jan. 25 meeting, investigators allege. One of the alleged victims is age 18, the other is 16.   Mr. Wood has been charged with two class B misdemeanor counts of lewdness. If convicted, he could be sentenced up to a year in jail and a $2,000 fine. Highland principal Charles Shackett said Mr. Wood has been suspended with pay pending the outcome of the investigation. ``The incident was reported the day it happened,'' said Mr. Shackett. ``He was suspended immediately.''   Mr. Wood is director of the school's English-as-a-second-language department. He taught at Highland for five years after moving from South High when that school closed, the principal said. The suspect was out of town Friday and unavailable for comment. Mr. Wood is also the Mormon bishop of his Murray ward. He will be ``relieved of his duties while the matter is being resolved,'' said Don LeFevre, spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. During the past year, seven Utah schoolteachers have been investigated for allegations of sexual misconduct. The state Board of Education revoked the licenses of six teachers and suspended 16 others from July 1991 to May 1992 for various violations. Teachers found guilty of felonies involving sex or drugs have their licenses revoked automatically.  Some recent cases include: Carlos Pinto, 38, a special-education teacher at Skyline High, pleaded guilty earlier this month to sexually assaulting a 17-year-old female student. He had been charged with sexually abusing several other students, but those charges were dropped in exchange for his guilty plea.   -- Raymond Persson, Davis County School District child psychologist, charged with raping a 10-year-old child. He allegedly jumped bail in September and was arrested in Oklahoma three months later. He has pleaded innocent.   -- Dennis Roger Tanner, Jackling Elementary teacher in West Valley City, is charged with fondling several sixth-grade students. He has pleaded innocent. Trial is set for March 22.

 28 February 1993 Sunday

I had Brandon Creer, David Ball, Bobbie Smith, Todd Dayley, and Troy Lunt over for Sunday dinner and to discuss Pillar business. I fixed Chinese food and it was just okay. My stomach is a little queasy but the others said dinner was fine. I had the Pillar’s Introduction article finished. Brandon had a financial sheet to show us. Bobbie Smith is ready to make some Ad sales so we really are on a roll. We think this is really going to work.

Brandon had to leave after the meeting and the rest of us stayed and played a game of Ancient Diplomacy for about four hours. When everyone was leaving I asked David Ball to take me over to the post office to put a letter in the box from Jeff’s sister. It’s the only way, outside of calling him at work, that I know how to get a hold of him.

So this is how February 1993 ends. I am alone again. It was a long drawn out love affair but now it’s over. Well the weather is still cold and snow is still on the ground but hope springs eternal.  The Community Council finally got its incorporation  back as it hadn’t been filed.