1985 age 33 & 34
“Oh, that I might have my request; and that
God would grant me the thing that I long for” Job 6:8
JANUARY 1985
1 January 1985 Tuesday
No entry
2 January 1986 Wednesday
No entry
3 January 1985 Thursday
I suppose some people like to start their
journals on January 1st but that would have been hard for me this
year since I didn’t even buy this
journal until yesterday. Besides New Year Day was no big deal. I didn’t even
get out of my red striped nightshirt that Fran bought me for Christmas. I
didn’t shave , shower, or nada. I just kicked back and typed and watched the
tube. I shuffled some more paper around on the Morgan family, trying to justify
linking Grandpa Theophilus Danforth with Daniel Boone’s bunch in North Carolina
and Pennsylvania. That’s to say I descend from Edward Morgan of Gwynedd,
Pennsylvania. He was grandpa to Daniel Boon and General Danel Morgan of the
Revolutionary War fame. It’s pretty certain to me that Edward’s son William
Morgan is the same man who died in Rowan County, North Carolina and to who
Theophilus Morgan Sr. was an administrator off his estate. William Morgan’s
sister Sarah married Squire Boone and became the mother of Daniel Boone.
William Morgan’s brother James Morgan of Buck County Pennsylvania was the
father of General Daniel Morgan, hero of the Battle of Cows Pens during the Revolutionary War. Today I watched
Monty Python’s Yellow Beard on Cable TV.
It was really funny. Fran aka Billie Deen” as she said she wants to go
by now, has stopped watching TV so she us busy making a nest for herself in the sewing room.. We both do not feel all that well. Dad is down with a bad cold and I think we
are trying to fight one off. We finished off the clam chowder that I made for
New Year’s Eve. That’s one our tradition to have clam chowder on New Year’s
Eve. Yesterday was back to work at
Ticor and business as usual. It’s been slow and Fred Wetzel, our
supervisor, has no intention of replacing fellow searchers Diane Goetz or Joe
Cruz. The weather has been windy, clear and rather warm. I went to Trader
Joe’s and bought some yummy hard rolls
to eat with some soup I made but I ended up eating hamburgers for lunch instead
and bacon and eggs for dinner. We deposited Fran’s check yesterday and now I
know that’s a mistake. She should just
cash it from now on because it’s too hard to get $550 out of the versateller to
pay rent with. Yes I said rent! We pay
$550 a month in rent. Isn’t that ridiculous? I don’t think I will ever get used
to that! We seriously talked about leaving California at the end of summer or
sooner if I can get a teaching contract. I can’t make any decisions until Santa
Ana College sends my transcripts off to
Utah. Fran went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting last night. I stayed home
and typed up some of my journals from 1968
and watched Brian de Palma’s Scarface on Cinemax. It was about the cocaine trade and its bloody
dealings. I also bought Fran a diary at Deseret Books for to start the new year off. I don’t know
if I will write in mine daily, or weekly, or even monthly. I sure have been
slothful in my last one for 1984. As far
as I know everyone in the family is fine. I haven’t heard anything different
about Grandpa Johnson’s condition. He’s still in the hospital at Amherst. No
news is good news I guess. After paying rent we have $290.53 in our checking
account. No, I take that back. I had to write a check for $190 to make up the
difference between the $369 I pulled out
in cash for rent so we should have $100.53. I have a $30 check over at mom’s
house that Grandma Johnson gave “Billie Deen” and me for Christmas. I don’t
want to touch the checking account for a
while until everything clears. Today I signed up for the Ticor Tax savers
Thrift Plan. Six percent of my gross will be tax exempt and matched by Ticor by 50 cents on every
dollar. I am also having 10 percent of my gross taken out as an investment and
I’ll get it all back when I quit. I’ve got to save some money somehow, I can’t
imagine me staying here at Ticor for
another 6 months but the time will pass. That is one thing you can depend
upon. I guess it will okay unless I am
fired, I would like to spend more time writing or drawing or just being
creative. I need to find me an O.A. meeting. I need to get back into program. I
have been abstinent since the 1st , three whole days. I want to get
21 days under me and then give my food away to a sponsor. I need to quit
isolating and grow closer to my Father in Heaven and especially to my dear
savior. BYU won the National Title for being the #1 football team in the United States. It
doesn’t mean a thing to me although it makes a lot of people mad that BYU
received such a high rating. Fran wants to get pregnant this month. We will see
what happens.
Additional Material
I did not start off the year by writing in a journal and only began it on January 3rd. My recollection of the beginning of 1985 is that I was a married man living at the Orange Villa Park located at 248 North Prospect Apartment C , Orange, California. Fran and I were members of Bishop Morris’ Orange Second Ward. We were only semi-active as, being transient we were not fully integrated into the Ward. I was called to be a Genealogy Sunday School teacher, however Fran hadn’t been called to any church position. Actually, our spiritual needs were being met through attending the 12 step programs of Overeaters Anonymous of which Fran had been attached to for several years while I had only recently been converted to the ideal that I was a compulsive over eater stuffing down my true feelings. I was employed at Ticor Title Insurance located at 800 Main Street in Santa Ana as a title searcher, chaining the title to property in Orange County. I was damn good at it but I had a boss who found ways to obstruct any real advancement with the company. Fran worked for a food service company called SAGA but she also began taking courses at Flavio Nail Salon to learn how to do ‘acrylic finger nails” which was becoming increasingly popular. There she made many women friends and some Gay ones. The entire time that Fran and I lived in California after moving back there in 1982, I never had any friends, just work acquaintances. I had a couple of close “sponsors” in Overeaters Anonymous but never as friends. At Ticor I became friendly with a Filipino coworker named Rey Rubio and except for things we did at work I had no outside friends. Actually, I think I was hiding my true nature so I did not want to get close to anyone. My one relationship I was to reestablish was with John Cunningham, my first deep love of my life, although we connected over phone calls we never met up in person. I began to read accounts of the early mention of a deadly disease breaking out among homosexuals in newspapers which by 1985 had me stop going to the Long Beach bath house on Locust Avenue. “Los Angeles Times Orange County was experiencing an “epidemic of AIDS, a disease that attacks immune systems, leaving the body defenseless against disease, and for which there is no known cure. But said Tom Pendergast, the county epidemiologist, the county was no worse off than Los Angeles or San Francisco. The county’s number pf reported AIDS cases and deaths was small compared to those other areas, but during a six-month period had grown at a rate faster than in the rest of the United States.”
4 January 1985 Friday
No Entry
5 January 1985 Saturday
No Entry
6 January 1985 Sunday
Today is Fast and Testimony Meeting. Although
Fran and I didn’t fast or bare our Testimony our meeting times have changed and
we are meeting at 11 now for Sacrament. I didn’t do much this weekend. Just
trying to fight off a cold. Fran’s been down too. Mom called while I was at the
Spa and said that Grandma Johnson is back in the hospital at Amherst . At work
Diane Goetz is coming back. That’s good.
I really didn’t want to go to church today but if I hope to get the spirit of
church back I must put forth. I really love the church. Sometimes I just go
insane. Temporary insanity I guess. I need to start studying the
scripture and stop getting caught up in the world. I need the blessing of the
Lord in my life. I typed up more of my diary from 1968. Reading it, I’m really
amazed at how much my aunts and uncles, Bonnie and Bill, Milton and Mariie and
Grandma and Grandpa Williams visited our house on Dale Street. Mom has never
come over to our place once the 3 years we have lived in California except for
when we first came here and we didn’t have a phone yet. I wonder why? Sure,
makes me think our going over to Dale Street is not such a big deal. I made
navy beans for the weekend. It’s tasty to have a bowl of beans and dark whole
wheat rolls, I haven’t had sugar in the form of candy or desserts since New
Years Eve when I got on the scale at the spa and I weighed 224 pounds which was
4 pounds up since the last time I weighed myself. I’m still a size 38 inch
waist but the pants are feeling snuggly. I used to be a size 46 so progress not
perfection.
7 January 1985 Monday
Today is our 8th Wedding
Anniversary but since we both worked today and had no money we just stayed home
8 January 1985 Tuesday
No Entry
9 January 1985 Wednesday
Fran and I went to Sister Roberts’ house after
work to help her with her genealogy. We stayed several hours helping her
organize her materials, mainly with her group sheets. When I was about to
leave, my eye caught a family group sheet containing the family of Rev. Thomas
Stone of Putnam County, Tennessee. Looking at it further, I noticed that
Willaim P Stone, a son was born 1799 and married to Jennie Welch was on the
same sheet. My heart leapt and I stopped
what I was doing and interrupted Fran and Sister Robert who were visiting,
saying “I know now that God had a reason for me to be helping Sister Roberts
with her genealogy because I have now found the parents of William P Stone who is my Grandpa Johnson’s great grandfather.
I had been looking for them for ten years!”
It is a testimony to me that the Spirit of Elijah guides us to our
ancestors records. At first I thought Sis. Roberts and I were related though
this Stone line but the more I looked at the records the more it seems that we are not related at all, making it all
the more miraculous that she would have this record among all her group sheets
when she wasn’t even related to the Stones at all. They were my people, hidden
in all those group sheets that Sis. Robert’s sister had sent her. So, God sent
me to help Sister Roberts so that I could find the ancestors of Grandpa a
Johnson. James Wilburn Johnson born 18 September 1901, Commerce, Texas, son of
Luke J Johnson and Polina Elizabeth Patton, daughter of Benjamin Franklin
Patton and Margaret Stone, daughter of William P Stone and Jane Welch, son of
Rev. Thomas Stone and Sally Corder, daughter of William Corder, son of James
Corder, son of James Corder, son of Edward Corder, son of James Corder born
1630 in Virginia Colony. This is a
testimony to me of God’s love for my family and the importance of this work. I
praise the Lord for his goodness to me.
10 January 1985 Thursday
Grandma Williams died 6 years ago today and I
still miss her a lot. Fran went to Loma Linda today to have her teeth worked on
so I am going to have to take the bus home from work tonight. Work is the same
as usual. Bob Reilly was being obtuse as usual
but other than that the day is going ok. I still can’t believe that it’s
this far into the month already. I’ve been debating with myself whether to
enroll at Santa Ana College this semester or not. I’d like to take something
fulfilling and fun and at the same time useful. Maybe a creative writing class
or an art class. I don’t know of what more to write. I haven’t heard from
anyone. No news is good news, I guess, Fran had her teeth worked on. That was
$215. Yesterday was John Cunnigham’s 34th birthday and I haven’t
seen him in 13 years. I wonder if I would recognize him if I did see him? My
old college friend Ralph Ludders birthday is tomorrow ad he will be 34 also. Dad will be 60 years old on the 19th.
I wonder what he thinks about that? The
weather has be good. It hasn’t rain for a while. In the news we are negotiating
with the Soviets for an end to the arms race but probably nothing will come of
it.
11 January 1985 Friday
I was paid today at work and cleared $475. I also paid $70 for a new
pair of long wear soft lens contacts.
12 January 1985 Saturday
Boy was it windy today. It blew down the
evergreen tree in front of out apartment. Also, some of the neighbor’s fences.
I talked to mom on the phone and she said that Grandma Johnson is back home but isn’t doing very well. They have a
woman from Littlefield coming out to the farm to stay with her during the day
while grandpa goes off to the gin. I
guess grandma is really weak and her mind is starting to go, from having her
strokes. I think she wants to die now. Mom is really excited about our decision
to move back to Utah. I think she really likes Salt Lake City. Just writing the
words Salt Lake City makes me kind of home sick
for the place. I bought some
acrylic paints today and painted two
pictures of mothers cradling their babies in their arms. It really satisfies
something deep within me to create something that didn’t exist before except in
my mind. I spent most of the day going
grocery shopping and making Chili Verde and tamales. It’s a lot of work believe
me.
13 January 1985 Sunday
I am sitting in church listening to a
Sacrament talk about “listening to the prompting of the Holy Ghost.” I’m glad
that the winds have died down. I went to see Sister Roberts in her Genealogy
Sunday School class. It was good to be in genealogy again. At work the other day I found out that the
new woman Estelle Reilly is from Cookeville, Tennessee. That is where many of
the Patton folk lives now.
14 January 1985 Monday
15 January 1985 Tuesday
No Entry
16 January 1985 Wednesday
I called Mom to see what was going on about
Dad’s 60th birthday tomorrow. She said that right now my nephew James is giving them such fits that
she can’t think of anything else. I guess James wants to quit school all
together and Mom and Dad are having a cow over it. He’s over 16 and there’s little anybody can do about it if
he really refuses to go. They think they can make him go to work also but
that’s a laugh. You can’t make anybody
do anything they don’t want to do short of force and Dad and mom won’t force
James to do anything. In fact, I called her yesterday and I guess Mom,
Dad, and James re going up to Tom and Jean Horan’s Aarow Bear cabin in the mountains for Dad’s birthday. Well,
that ends anything I had planned. I wanted to get a cake and some ice cream and
have some of the relatives over but forget that now. Charline and Dennis have totally abdicated
their responsibility for James to Mom and dad. Fran and I went back over to
Sister Roberts to help her with her genealogy and had a nice time. We stayed
until 10 at night which is late for us.
17 January 1985 Thursday
No Entry
18 January 1985 Friday
I’m at work at Ticor. I’ve been tired all this
week. I think I might have a low grade virus. I haven’t seen any of the folks
for at least two weeks. I’m really ticked off with Fred Wetzel at work. He’s
really a weasel. He said that I
shouldn’t handle the birthday money because I’d eat up the contributions. I
didn’t want to have anything to do with it anyways but it made me mad. Weight
is always an easy target. Besides I don’t even eat the cakes they have for
these stupid parties. I’m finally learning to read metes and bounds
descriptions. I’ve been here a year already. In fact, the 16th was
my one year anniversary. The computers
were down for the whole day so that’s why there’s nothing to do. I just
tried to look busy. I heard some Mexican ethnic jokes that some in the office
thinks are funny. “What is the first three words a Mexican baby learns? Welcome
K-Mart Shoppers. What are the first 3 words in a Mexican cookbook? Steal 3
eggs. What are two Mexicans in a shoe box called? A pair of loafers. This is
the kind of racist people I work with. The only friend I have at work is Rey
Rubio who is from the Philippines. In the news Reagan will hold his big State
of the Union to do this Saturday as not to conflict with the Super Bowl. The
weather has been nice all this week. I made a pot of lentil soup also. I liked
it but Fran didn’t care for it. Really
don’t know what more to write. Fran was paid $400 and she’s still not watching
TV any and I’m still typing up my 1968 journal.
19 January 1985 Saturday
Today is dad’s 60th birthday. My
uncle R.L. called and said he wanted to drop by around 5 so Fran and I blitzed
the place to get ready for a visit. I changed the front room around a little
and when R L came, we went with him to Earl’s Restaurant on Tustin Boulevard for dinner. We treated
R.L. He and I had chicken fried steak while Fran had a T-Bone steak. We came
back home afterwards and R L spent the night in our spare room. We stayed up late visiting. I guess R.L. and
Ellie aren’t getting along too well right now and he needed someone to talk
with. Sounds like he and Ellie aren’t too happy in their marriage. He said he
still hasn’t been over to Aunt Minnie’s to pick up his copy of the family
history. We talked a little about that. R.L. said Grandma Danforth always said
that she was part Comanche and Cherokee. The Comanche is probably from her
mother Maggie Roden Wilson Peacock and the Cherokee is probably from Bill
Peacock’s side of the family. Two stories he told me, I will try to recall. One
was that the winter after he was born it
snowed so hard that the snow was over the fences and Grandma and Grandpa couldn’t get into town. They had burned all their coal and they were
burning feed stalks to keep warm until a
thaw came when they could get to Plainview
to get some coal. R.L. said Grandma Williams had a wood burning stove
and she would pull the oven door down ad place RL in his cradle on the oven door to keep him from freezing.
RL also said that when the hotel at Muleshoe
burned down on Christmas Day 1929, which was the day after Minnie was
born, Grandma and the baby were carried out of the burning building on a mattress with them folded in the middle.
They lost everything they owned except for the shirts on their backs. R.L. said
Aunt Buelah and Uncle Ed were running
that hotel at the time and they lost everything also. We had a nice visit with
R.L. and he’s the only one of all my
uncles whoever comes to see me or has any interest in the family history, Well
R.L. has more education than most of the others plus he comes closest to being
an intellectual. Probably would have been more so, if he wasn’t so dogmatic.
But that’s the Williams’ trait to be negative.
20 January 1985 Sunday
Today is Ward Conference and it was announced
in Sacrament that on January 27th there will be a church wide fast day for the people in Ethiopia. Whatever
money is donated to the church on that day will go to relief agencies in Africa
who are trying to feed the starving. That is a really neat idea. It will
probably raise millions. We went over to mom’s today to pick up our mail. Mom
said that our neighbors, the Casas, are moving finally, so mom and dad are
seriously thinking of putting the house up for sale. She also said that Grandma Johnson called and
sounded pretty strong. We had to laugh because we think the only reason she is
up and around is because she wanted to get rid of that woman whose taking care
of her. She wants that woman out of her house because she is jealous of Grandpa
showing off and doesn’t want someone snooping around her things. Aunt Pauline
said that they got this woman only so Grandpa could go to the gin to be with
his cronies and not be tied down looking after grandma but he spends all his
time showing off to this lady because he’s got an audience. Grandpa is such a
mess. Ha! I didn’t get to do much typing. The weather has really turned yucky!
If we were in Utah it would be snowing.
21 January 1985 Wednesday
No Entry
22 January 1985 Tuesday
“Yesterday is a Memory. Tomorrow is a vision.
Today is a bitch.” I saw thus on a bumper sticker. Ha! Ha! I think I am coming
down with the flu. I’ve been abstinent from sugar for 22 days now. Yay.
23 January 1985 Wednesday
I was having a pretty good day until Fred
Wetzel called me into his office to chew
me out for talking too much so others cannot get their work done! So, I am now
responsible for the production of others? It really pissed me off because I don’t drop what I am doing and turn
around to talk and visit like Jennie
Metz and Bob Reilly do. Jennie is a 19 year old know it all future bull dyke
even if she doesn’t realize it yet. They turn around and talk to me! To me.
Well piss on them. I got in trouble because someone said that their
production was down because I talk to them too much. Can you believe that? So,
hold the phone. From now on they can just screw themselves because I am tired of getting dumped on when
I out produce everyone one else in the department and Fred knows it. I’ll be a
mute from now on that’s for damn sure. The weather was prettier than it has been lately It had been gloomy and yucky. I ate across the street from Ticor at Chew
Chew Junction for lunch and had Chinese food. Sweet and Sour pork, egg rolls ,
chop suey and fried rice. Yum. Fran went
back to Loma Linda to have her teeth fixed
so I had to take the bus home again. I don’t mind it, once in a while. I got home around 6 and had a bowl of lima
bean soup and crusty bread. I watched Bosom Buddies reruns. I still
think that it was one of the most cleverly written shows on TV. Right now, my
back is stiff. I felt it as soon as I bent over to kiss Fran. Probably sore
from laying funny on the floor while
working on my Book of Remembrance. I am trying to put it back together after
tearing it apart. Its 10 p.m. and I’ve just finished watching “Threads” again
about a nuclear war and its effects on England. It is so sad and tragic that I
pray to God that if we are to go out in a blaze of fire and brimstone that I’ll
be at ground zero so I can be
vaporized and will not have to suffer. Well, I
guess I’ll try and get some sleep and hope that my back gets to feeling better.
24 January 1985 Thursday
It’s taken me all day to get my thoughts
together enough to write them in this book of what happened to me today. I spoke to John Cunningham for the first time
in 13 years! Mom called me when I was half asleep, half upset that someone
would call so late. I couldn’t at first comprehend whether I was dreaming or whether mom was actually telling me that
John Cunnigham had called and left a number where he could be reached. I made
mom read the number, 619-724-8649 several times before it registered that John had
called me. John Francis Cunningham. Alive! And calling me! Just the other day I
was thinking how disappointed I was that I didn’t get a response from the
letter I had sent to John’s folks last November. After Mom’s call, Fran was
wide awake also and she seemed incredulous as was I that John had actually
called. I had to call him back
immediately. With trepidation which over
whelmed my amazement, I dialed the number. Three rings. A man’s voice answered,
“Hello”. “Is John Cunningham there?” I asked. “Well, hi Ed. Glad to hear from
you.” This voice was still not registering in my brain. Too much future shock.
John was speaking over the phone but it was hard to recognize his voice. How did
he sound? His voice was different but
his tone and inflection still had the same sardonic lilt to it. We spoke for about a half an hour with him
still calling me Edgar not knowing that I changed my name to Ben in 1972. We spoke for a half an hour catching up on
the past 13 years. No, John is not married. No, he is not divorced as he was
never married. He is a fireman for the government working on San Clemente
Island but living near Vista in San Diego County. His folks live in Oceanside.
We bantered back and forth a little, with him putting me down several times
with off the cuff remarks and he seemed to be having a hard time connecting his
thoughts. My friend, the brilliant John Cunningham, sounded like a burned out
pothead. Either he was high on the phone or he has definitely done too many
drugs over the past 13 years. He, as always, initiated the end of our
conversation but he stated he would like to talk again this weekend. I felt as
if I kept most of my dignity and did not
come across as too anxiety ridden over the phone. After hanging up the phone, I
went back upstairs to the bedroom and
went to bed where I had a restless and disturbing night. One main thought kept reoccurring. Why did he
call me ? He really doesn’t deep down
like me I think, so why did he take the trouble to call?
25 January 1985 Friday
Today I‘m still in a mind boggling daze and
although I seem to have continued on with life, business as usual, deep inside
me, in my subconscious, I am in a state of suspended reality. Did I actually
speak to John Cunningham or did I dream it like a hundred times before? Did he really call Mom wanting to speak to
me? Is this reality or some sort of
disillusionment, a fantasy conjured up by a desperate wanting on my part? Did I wish it into being
like Prospero in the Tempest? Or did God
grant me the desire of my heart so that
I might suffer the consequences of my prayers?
For 13 long years, I have kept in my heart a secret locked room, lit by
a single solitary hope that one day I would, in some way, know what became of
John Cunningham after he left me in 1972.
This unfinished business was tugging at my soul, keeping me from the
peace and inner contentment that would
let me go on with my life. I’ve been looking for John in every face I saw,
wondering if he was dead or alive. Is he married? Is he happy? I just wanted to
know if he was happy. For these past 13 years, I was unable to answer these
questions. I have worried until I was weary and resigned that I may never know.
Rarely acknowledged and mostly unexpressed to anyone, I needed to know where John was and that he was he happy. I
had accepted for years the fact that I probably would never know these silent
secrets. I thought perhaps only through the veil when we might meet again at last, would I be able to
ask him, “Where were you and were you happy?” These past two years, I
discovered through Overeaters Anonymous Programs that if I was ever to put John
Cunningham to rest, I had to know the answer to these questions which I was
certain I would never know. So, I pleaded
with my Heavenly Father to no longer
bind me to promises made 13 years ago to forsake John and God answered
my prayers when yesterday at 10 p.m. John called Mom’s house asking for a
number where he could reach me. Today I feel so ambivalent about all of this and how I feel now about John.
It closes one door but opens another. I feel now as if I can put to rest the
ghost of John Cunningham past and all the fantasies I had conjured up in lieu
of reality. I feel like by closing the
door and finishing the chapter , I am
putting a major, a major, portion of my
life in a box I now can seal. One which
I no l longer have to open to examine and analyze. The man I talked to on the phone
yesterday is not the young college
friend, I loved. I don’t think this John Cuningham and I could be friends. I
don’t know. I’m very confused right now. And it’s very late. Nearly 1 a.m. Fran
is still out with her O.A. friends at Coffee. I know one thing from this, I
will never leave Fran, unless she asks me to go. Whatever life John has
fashioned for himself, I am not a part
of it anymore. Nor do I have it in my power to influence his happiness. What an
arm of flesh I had in John Cunningham. While I am discovering, I might not like this John Cunningham, I will always
love him but I pray to God never again in the same neurotic, destructive,
self-defeating way as before. I thank God for Program and the Gospel.
26 January 1985 Saturday
I bought another canvas and painted a picture
of our three cats, Killer, Baby, and Fat Jack. I think it turned out real nice
and Fran is pleased to have a painting of the cats. This morning Fran went to
her Overeaters Anonymous meeting and
around 10:30 I called John Cunnigham. I needed to talk to him again to prove it
wasn’t a dream that after all these years I now know where he is. Our
conversation was so much more normal than last Thursday or at least I was more
normal. We talked and visited and caught up on our past lives. Then we talked
politics and philosophy just like in
days gone by. It was almost like we only spoke yesterday and we were carrying
on without skipping a beat. I think I
know now why John called me. I think he’s lonely, knows his life is changing,
that he’s getting older and wants something
from his past to bring continuity to his life. One thing I was happy to hear from John is that while
he’s a far cry from being a “Born Again”
he at least accepts a faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He said nothing in
life would make any sense without someone like Christ. Anyway, I was pleased to
hear that and he wanted me to keep in touch and call him again. I hung up when
Fran came home and while it was a seemingly small thing to anyone else, to me
it was major deal that I was the one to initiate the termination of our conversation. A lot of
growth has taken place for me to be able
to do that. John’s address is 333 North emerald
#130, Vista California 92083. I’m going to send him an old Rancho High
School newspaper article about him when he went to Washington DC in 1969.
27 January 1985 Sunday
At church I taught a lesson in Sunday School
on reading old handwriting in Sister Roberts genealogy class, Only four people
were in the class but that’s okay. Whenever 2 or more are gathered in his name,
he is there said the Lord. Fran’s been down lately because of her period. We
had cheeseburgers for lunch after church
ad not much else. We fasted this morning
for the Ethiopians who are starving
in Africa and Fran sent them a check for $30 for a fast offering to go to feeding the Africans. Church wide it
should raise several millions of dollars
in relief aid. We wanted to send more
but with rent coming due we are kind of broke. Mom said her Church of Christ on
Newland also sent several thousands of dollars to Africa. We didn’t do much else today. I took a nap
from 3 to 5 and Fran went to choir practice. I ironed some shirts for work next week and cleaned the kitchen.
28 January 1985 Monday
No Entry
29 January 1985 Tuesday
No Entry
30 January 1985 Wednesday
I took off from work today and instead went to
the Huntington Beach Library to try and find something on Grandpa Johnson’s
people. I am trying to find the ancestry of the Welches. I think Jame Welch’s
father might be Thomas or John Welch of
Buncombe County, North Carolina. She may be part Cherokee. I think Polina Patton’s
grandma Malinda was a Crockett. She named two of her sons with the middle name
of Crockett, David Crockett Patton and William Crockett Patton. Davy Crockett,
the frontiersman, who died at the Alamo, was married to a Polly Patton so perhaps there’s a connection between the
Pattons and the Crocketts.
31 January 1985 Thursday
Well, we are definitely into 1985 now that
January is kaput. I think that this month has gone pretty fast considering that
January usually crawls by. The highlight of the month was hearing from John
Cunningham. I’m still reeling from that. Well, I’ve played hooky for two days
from work. Yesterday and today. I had to
get a new battery for the Toyota and today I took off just for the hell of it. Mental health break. I
wanted to go to the Spa this morning but the Buick wouldn’t start so I put
water in the battery and decided to walk to the Spa this morning. It was three
miles from our Apartment and it took one
and a half hours to walk it. I took the bus home. For 75 cents a ride , you
can’t complain. I was really pooped but it was good to go for a long walk. Fran
worked late tonight and missed her dental appointment. I received a letter from
Grandma Johnson. She said she was feeling better. Fran is enrolled in college
again. She is taking some cosmetology class learning how to put on fake finger
nails. In the news they think they found out what causes AIDS.
FEBRUARY 1985
1 February 1985 Friday
I went back to work today but I felt tired all
day. Rey Rubio said he heard Fred Wetzel and Elmer Heiser talking saying that
production went down when I was gone.
It’s neat to know that I make a difference. I have to go into work tomorrow for overtime. I have
to be there at 6 in the morning. Ugh. But will be off by 1 in the afternoon.
Fran is taking over the money situation altogether now because she thinks she
can do it better. We will have to pay rent late this month. Well, I can’t worry
about that. It has been cold lately. I think I will go to bed. Yawn.
2
February 1985 Saturday
I had to work
overtime and worked 6 hours. It was a cold rainy day and I had to be in
early so I was tired for the rest of the day. Fran was out shopping for a smock
for her class so I really didn’t do anything at all after coming home
3 February 1985 Sunday
Fran was sick today so she didn’t get to sing
in the choir for the Stake Conference after all. Paul H. Dunn was the presiding
General Authority.
4 February 1985 Monday
I went back to work with same old same old
going on. At work I called Kay Wiker in Laguna Beach. He’s working as a
bartender in the “Boom-Boom” Club down there. He said he was well and will turn
25 in March. That’s a mile stone birthday like 21 is and turning 30. Oh, and
Gary Smith is quitting customer service. So many people are leaving. Gary is a
born again Christian but never hassled me for being LDS.
Additional Material. The “Boom Boom Room” in Laguna Beach was the oldest Gay bar in the
Western United States at one time opened in 1927 off of the Pacific Coast
Highway. The Boom Boom Room closed in 2007 after a Beverly Hills billionaire
purchased the Coast Inn.
5 February 1985 Tuesday
Fran began her acrylic nail class at Flavios
tonight so I’m home alone. We are really strapped for cash right now because
Fran paid her $150 for her class and tuition. She didn’t pay rent so I have to
save every dime until next Friday payday. We will have to pay an additional $20
late fee. I don’t know what will happen because all of our next pay check will
go to rent and if Fran wants me to pay tithing before anything else then we
won’t even be able to pay rent. Jenie Metz was funny today although she didn’t
mean to be. She said when she was little she considered being a nun but it was
too “churchy”. Ha! Then she said she doesn’t read the Bible because it’s so
old! That is almost as funny as when the bus boy Lonnie at the Presbyterian
Retirement Home said to me you can prove that God exists because they couldn’t
put it on the money if it wasn’t true. Ha-ha!. I’ve been lonesome lately for
friends. I’ve been reading my journal from 1971. What a
disturbed mixed up kid I was. Totally Schizoid.
My sister Charline came to the Orne Villa Park apartment this evening
upset over my nephew James. Dennis and she Charline are quarreling over him
James. Dennis wants to kick him out. I thought I had problems but when I think
of what James is putting people through he must really be a basket case. I love
James but he’s one screwed up kid torn between Mom and Dad and Charline and
Dennis. I hope someday he can get his act together. This is the only life he
gets. Well, I can’t handle this one so I’m going to sleep. Good night sweet
prince. Only thing special tonight on TV
was a moving called Consenting Adults with Marlo Thomas, Martin Sheen
and Barry Tubb. It was about a college boy facing his own homosexuality and telling his parents about it. Marlo
Thomas was excellent and Barry Tubb was beautiful and troubled. That movie
really stayed with me.
6 February 1985 Wednesday
No entry
7 February 1985 Thursday
No Entry
8 February 1985 Friday
No Entry
9 February 1985 Saturday
I went to Overeaters Anonymous to get away
from Fran. I hate meeting at a Restaurant and constantly being interrupted by a
waitress, but I feel more comfortable at that meeting than any other. I met
Fran’s O.A. friend Dave. He’s okay just a little pushy, a little controlling. I
need serenity in my life. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know
the difference.
10 February 1985 Sunday
I didn’t go to church today because depressed
over lack of funds. We hardly have enough gas to get to work. Fran and I were
mad at each other. Probably mostly from low blood sugar. I need to start
attending my men’s O.A. meeting in Irvine more regularly.
11 February 1985 Monday
We are busted and flat broke. I had to roll
pennies to make ends meet this week until Fran gets paid this Friday. Since she
took over our finances it’s been one disaster after another. At work there was some surprises as that Bob
Reilly is quitting. Friday is his last day and Bob Chesla is being promoted to
examiner then, after just three months to a title officer. I guess sucking for bucks does get you
somewhere. Fred Wetzel still hasn’t hired anyone to replace Joe Cruz, Diane
Goetz who quit again, or Howard Nagel except for Estelle Reilly. Now Bob Reilly
is quitting and Jenny Metz is probably going to get fired . She screws up so
much. That just leaves Shelly
Viall, Rey Rubio, Harriett Royer,
Estelle and me among the regular searchers. Shelly is 25 years old and
while sweet is kind of a bubblehead. Harriett is 45 years old and motherly but
timid and a native Californian. Craig
Malchow has been out sick for long, leaving Jack Magnus and Rudy Rudisell to do
all the long searches. What a mess! I’ve never seen a company have the turn
over that Ticor does. I called BYU today to see about my teacher’s
certification and they said they never received
my transcripts from Santa Ana College. Typical! They want to screw me one more time before they let me go. If
they don’t find it soon, I’ll have to
send another by register mail. I can’t believe what a number they have done on
me for nearly 10 years. Wow. It’s been
ten years trying to get this certification and still they won’t let me go. I
haven’t gone anywhere or done anything
because we have no money. We can’t even buy groceries. Oh, I suppose we
could borrow the money from Mom and Dad but I am sick of that. We have a roof
over our heads so I’m grateful for that.
With Fran doing the bills we might be out on the streets. Fran got a letter
from her sister Kathy Killian which made her so mad she tore it up without
finishing reading it. Tomorrow is Fran’s 40th birthday. I don’t know
what more to write.
12 February 1985 Tuesday
Today is Fran’s 40th birthday. She
had to go to Loma Linda to have her teeth worked on this morning. Her sister
Mickie Hoegen called her this
morning and her sister Connie Svenby
called but also but right after she had already left for her acrylic nail
class. Speaking of classes. Well, I
really don’t believe it but BYU called me a work and said that they found my
transcripts from Santa Ana and they will be sending me my teaching credential
in the mail! I can’t believe it. It’s been ten years since I first entered the
education program at BYU. I never would have dreamed it would take this long to
become a teacher. I’m a teacher now bonified and certified! Yahoo ! I also
called Weber State and they said I had to send them $5 and I’ll receive my
elementary certificate. So, this is a red letter day for me! At work we finally
got a new searcher and he’s at entry level so it will be a while before he will
be of much help. Oh yes Fred Wetzel said the reason I wasn’t promoted to Title
Examiner was because the rumor was out that I’ll be quitting. The real reason
is that I am too valuable to him as a searcher as I produce rings around
everyone else. I need to see new faces. Well, I guess I’ll close and go to bed.
13 February 1985 Wednesday
No Entry
14 February 1985 Thursday
No Entry
15 February 1985 Friday
It was kind of a weird day . I was up early to
take Baby Cat down to the vet to have him neutered. He was so spastic that
putting him in the cage, he spasmed out and cut me a good one. He scratched me
from my knuckle to the base of my thumb. I thought he was going to rip my thumb
off. Ouch! Oh well. I guess if I thought someone was going to cut my balls off,
I’d do more than take off a thumb. Anyway, at work, today was Bob Reilly’s last day. We had our ups and downs but I
think I will miss his repartee and wit. At lunch I went over to Santa Ana
College to pick up Fran so we could take
care of some business. She had her wallet stolen with her versateller card and some checks so
we had to open up a new checking account and apply for a new card. We cashed
Fran’s payroll check at the bank so we finally have some money. I have been
eating bean soup all week and glad to
have had it. By the time I returned to work, Bob was already gone so I didn’t
get to say goodbye. Then Fred Wetzel pulled Rey Rubio off the Newport
Beach desk and put him on the Laguna
Beach desk so I lost my helper. Fred
said Rey will stay there until he can
train some new people. Oh well. I guess party time is over for a while. Since I
started working at Ticor in January of 1984, the following people had quit our
department. Jack Priestley left in January, Tammi and Terri Larson in February
and in March Randy Routier and Ron Drinenberg quit. In August Enoch Fernando and Rey Rubio quit
although Rey came back. In September
Diane Estrada quit and in December Joe Cruz quit. In January Diane Goetz
and Howard Nagle left and now Bob Reilly.
That’s 12 people so far . Of course, Rey came back but if you count
Debbie Davis who was promoted to Title Officer
and then quit because she couldn’t hack it, then that’s still 12. Only
people still here ate Sherry Viall, Harriett Royer,
Estelle Reilly, Rey Rubio, Jenny Metz
and me. The long searchers are Jack Magness, Rudy Rudisell and Craig Malchow whose been sick and gone
for over a month. Renee, Donna, and Indy Martin are technically in the
department but they aren’t searchers.
Indy is 60 years, a grouch and alcoholic. There’s only one new guy, Lee, but
he’s entry level and has been working for only a week. Tonight, Fran went to
Overeaters Anonymous and I just stayed home resting
16 February 1985
Saturday
Fran and I found a cool thrift store on Olive
Road.
17 February 1985 Sunday
No Entry
18 February 1985 Monday
After work I bought some more clothes at the
thrift store on Olive Road.
19 February 1985 Tuesday
The zipper ripped out of my white bell bottoms
that I bought at the Thrift Store I had bought. Oh well they were tight anyway. I paid
most of the bills tonight while Fran was at her class, lights, telephone, cable
TV, the University of Texas, the Los Angeles Rescue Mission and tithing. Fran
insists we pay our tithing but I sure don’t see any blessings returning. We now
have $6 in the bank until Friday payday.
20 February 1985 Wednesday
Dear Diary, today was such a busy day that
it’s hard to know where to begin. I want to catch up on a lot of things and to take time reflect. I’ve
been waking up at 6:30 in the morning lately on my own. I don’t know if it’s
because its getting lighter in the morning or what. Today I fixed Fran and me
our protein malt shake for breakfast which consists of milk, a banana, an egg,
carob powder and protein powder all mixed up in the blender. That with a piece
of toast starts our day. I wore my beige woolen slacks, brown and blue plaid
shirt with a brown tie and my corduroy
sports coat to work. I drove Fran
and myself to work as usual and it was a dreary overcast morning, cool and humid,
the type of weather that makes me sneeze. I started work at 8 and Fred Wetzel
called in sick so it was a weird day. I was pissed off for most of the day
because of the amount of Newport Beach orders I am getting without any help. I was
mad at Jack Enda at the Newport Beach office also for calling me every few
minutes about the status of the searches
I was trying to do. He gets a commission not me. I was just generally
pissed all day. I did 17 searchers today because of the load
we have, but I only wrote down that I did 10 because I didn’t want Fred to
think I’ll do that all the time and that I can handle Newport Beach all by
myself. I can, but why should I? If it’s important to them let them pay me
more. The other searchers are lucky if they do even 6 a day. Shelly Viall made me mad also because she
made the comment that my car was old. I said to her “obviously Shelly you are
into material objects while I am into relationships and intellectual pursuits.
I am disappointed in you.” She didn’t know what to think after that. Talk about
reverse discrimination. Usually, Shelly is a good kid. Don’t know why she is on
this high horse lately. Jack Magness, who sit behind us with Rudy
Rudisell, later in the day snottily said
to Harriett Royer and Estelle Reilly
“Now you girls aren’t supposed to be listening to what we are saying to
each other back here.” That made me mad
so I told Estelle, “Tell him to go screw himself and the horse he rode in on.”
I came home for lunch and had some chicken, broccoli and rice casserole with an
orange. I am feeling rather bloated
although I have lost 10 pounds since Christmas.
After work I went and picked up Fran and we were home around 5:30 but
then Fran had to zip off to her finger nail class. So, I fed the dogs and cats and had some
supper myself before watching Bossom Buddies reruns until 6:30. I love my dogs, Sam and Toby. They are so
cute. Fat Jack the cat even when he’s a
shit is so much fun. When I came home from work Jack and Killer were on the
kitchen table wrapped up in each other’s arms, just hanging out. I wish I had a
picture of it. Jack thinks Fran is his
alone and doesn’t like any of the other
two cats messing with his mama. Fran said this morning Jack jumped on Sam to make him get up and
leave because he was sleeping next to Fran
and Jack wanted that spot. Only
Jack gets to sleep with Fran. I’m getting used to Fran being gone so much with her classes
although I do get lonesome. Yesterday I
went to the spa but just stayed home tonight. I think I’ll go to bed early.
That sounds like a plan. Around 7 I
called John Cunningham and finally was able to get a hold of him. He sounded
glad to hear from me and said he was going to call me this weekend. We visited for about
an hour, talking about religion and politics, just like in the old days.
He admitted that he was drunk the first time he called me last January. But I
am grateful for that because perhaps he
never would have called if he hadn’t been. He had just finished a shift
working on San Clemente Island and said
he was tired so we hung up so he could go to bed. He said he wants to get
together some weekend. I said that would be great but I’m really thinking that
it would be terrible. I really want to see him after all these years but I’m really scared also. I am afraid that
my feelings for him are still too strong for him or even worse. Yet I’m afraid that if I see him again that
all my feelings for him may be dead and that my affections are only wrapped up
in the ghost of a 19 year old boy with whom I experienced the intellectual awakening of my spirit some
16 years ago. Perhaps it’s time to let go of the past. I carry the past around with me like a turtle does
his shell. I feel safe within the hardened walls of fixated memories. Is my
feelings for John reality or an illusion?
Fantasy or fakery? Is it a deluded, aberration of a twisted warped mind or is my love for John glimpses
into the mind of God? Beauty, perfection, truth. They are my holy grail. I
thought I found them in John. Poor John. Poor drunken misdirected underachieved
sad John. Still can’t believe that John
is back in my life. After all these years. I love my heavenly father. I don’t
know why he allowed John to come back into my life, except that it pleases me.
Perhaps I’m going to die soon and everything is returning to a full circle. I
don’t know. I have Fran and now I know that John is well and happy, so what is
there more to life? If I should die don’t grieve for me because I am content,
have a full life, and will be with Grandma Willaims again. In a month Spring
will be here. I can’t think of any more to write about so will close for now.
21 February 1985 Thursday
I finished 17 searches for Newport Beach again
22 February 1985 Friday
At work we have been super busy and I’m
expected to be superman again. I did another 16 searches today when a normal
day’s work is usually 7 . This morning, Jack Enda came over to my desk and
asked about a search I was working on at the time, and asked why Newport didn’t
have any searches on the morning mail run. I got mad and said “Look Jack, I did
17 searches yesterday so you can’t possibly tell me you have all of them out. I
have 10 more sitting on my desk that only need the general index checked to complete
them. If I didn’t get any out this morning it’s because I spent the entire
morning checking for starters for the 15
or more that just came in! He knew I was mad and backed off. He then said, “I guess it’s about time I take
you to lunch again.” I replied, “Never mind lunch just give me a valium.” I got paid
today and that surely helped. I
pulled $100 out in cash and left $330 in the checking account. I gave
Fran $25 and spent another $20 on things we needed around the apartment like light bulbs and trash sacks. I spent
another $25 on groceries.
23 February 1986 Saturday
This morning I went to the men’s stag
Overeaters Anonymous meeting in Irvine and pitched about John Cunningham coming back into my
life. Everybody at the meeting looked so straight like my father that it really kind of freaked me out but I
did it anyway. It took a great deal of courage and I am proud of myself for that. I arrived late and ended
up sitting next to Kevin. That was kind of touchy but when we closed
with the Lord’s Prayer, I held his hand
firmly to let him know that last year was history . After the prayer, I said to
him just like this, “Kevin I want a hug”. It wasn’t a request but a command. He
did and it was good for him as well as
for me. No hard feelings as fellowship is fellowship. Principles over personalities. Afterwards I went to the Thrift Store on
Olive and Orange Road and bought 2 pairs of jeans, one pair of blue corduroy
pants, two pairs of gray slacks, and a brown pull over sweater all for
$12. All were in really good shape. We
have a house guest for all this weekend and while it’s good to do service, I
realize how much I have grown to value my privacy. Our guest is Eve Goldman a
woman from Overeaters Anonymous whose husband
beats her and she needs a place to stay a while to work things out. Fran
and Eve went to a show together and saw
“The Gods Must Be Crazy”. I hear that it
is a really good show and Fran said she really liked it. I don’t see Fran much anymore between her work, her nail
classes, and O.A. Mom called today and said that she has next week off so she
and Dad are taking off for Las Vegas for a few days. They just need to get
away. Later I also called John Cunningham again for about an hour. My phone
bill is going to be high but right now I don’t care as long as I can hear his
voice once in a while. We talked politics and philosophy again. Talking to John
is cool water to my thirsty soul. We are so alike, two die hard sixties
liberals. Fran and I are pretty much in agreement on most issues but John and I
are totally together. Probably because we are closer in age than Fran and I are
and from our shared experiences. Fran’s
upbringing and her people were pro-military and pro-Vietnam War and to them, I
would have been a “Commie liberal Peacenik”
But Fran and I are totally together
with the Gospel while John and I are ions apart.
24 February 1985 Sunday
Today I fixed a breakfast of hash browns,
scrambled eggs and toast for Fran and Eve Goldman who spent the night. Then I
prepared for Church. There I sat next to Bishop Morris and it’s really
weird but now I really like him now. Two
years ago, when we first moved into the ward,
I spent so much of my energy on disliking him. It was just part of my
disease. Reject before being rejected. I
have got to be aware of that when we go home to Salt Lake City. It was a quiet
day and beautiful outside. I taught my genealogy Sunday School class on Census
records. Fran came to my class today. She’s so sweet, however she is obsessed
with these acrylic nails. I am afraid
that she’ll burn herself out over there in her school.
25 February 1985 Monday
No Entry
26 February 1985 Tuesday
No Entry
27 February 1985 Wednesday
No Entry
28 February 1985 Thursday
No Entry
MARCH 1985
1 March 1985 Friday
I woke up at 5:30 but didn’t get up until
nearly 7 this morning feeling like I’m
trying to come down with a cold. Fran wasn’t feeling well either this
morning and had a hard time getting up.
While she was putting on her makeup downstairs, I took a shower and got dressed
for work. Fridays are casual dress days at work so I didn’t have to wear a tie.
I wore my white jeans and blue wool pull over sweater. It’s really more of a baby blue than a true
blue. We drank our malted breakfasts and
were on our way to work by 7:40. We took
the 22 Freeway to Bristol south to 17th
Street where I dropped Fran of at Santa Ana College. Then I drove down
Washington Boulevard over to Main Street
then south to 8th Street
where I parked and then walked to Ticor. I was only a few minutes late.
I really don’t care if I am or not. It’s the first of March and there’s so many
new faces at work. Two more girls quit in customer service so hardly any of the
old crowd is still around. Rey
Rubio is still my only good buddy at
work although Estelle Reilly is good to visit with and Jennie Metz is always
good for a laugh. Otherwise, it’s the
same old shit at work. I did 210
searches last month which averages out to 10 a day. That’s better than anyone
in the department. At lunch I drove home
and fixed me some chili Verde burritos and also did a little grocery shopping.
I had to buy the dogs some chow and some
more kitty litter for the cats. I also
went to the bank and deposited Fran’s paycheck. She grossed $509 but only
cleared $400. I took $100 out of our account for the weekend. It amazes me how
quickly $100 can go, with $25 for Fan, $20 for gas, and $50 for groceries.
There it’s gone. Fred Wetzel wanted me to work
tomorrow but I begged off feigning sickness. It’s close to the truth
because I am sick of working at Ticor. I was off at 5 and went back to Santa
Ana College to pick up Fran. I hate that she keeps me waiting 10 or 15 minutes
with nothing to do but sit in the car. Traffic wasn’t too bad and we were home
by 5:30 as we only live 5 miles from Fran’s work. Fran wanted to stop at a beauty supply store to buy a cosmetic
nail brush. I sure hope she doesn’t spend
this whole weekend doing her nails over and over again like she did last
week. At home I fixed supper for Fran
and me . We had some more chili Verde burritos and watched “Bosom Buddies”
reruns on the tube. Then Fran took a
warm bath to get ready for her
Overeaters Anonymous meeting tonight.
She wanted me to come with her bit I was tired and declined. Besides that, this should be her own meeting as we
need our own spaces to pitch about
things that are really bothering
us. So, I stayed home and listened
to cassette tapes and cleaned the house
a little so I don’t have to spend all day tomorrow doing it. Fran went to the
doctor’s yesterday and she weighed in under 200 lbs. So, she felt great about that. I don’t know
what my weight is right now. I will weigh myself at the Spa tomorrow, Right
now, as I am writing this, it’s 12:45 so technically it’s March 2nd.
I am also doing a load of wash while sitting up waiting for Fran to come home
from coffee. Sam is lying here by my feet. Killer is lying comfortably on
Fran’s Afghan in the chair. Baby is
probably upstairs by himself and Jack has to always be by his food dish.
Toby is staring a hole in my head, poor little worried fellow. I called mom
this evening to see how dad is. Mom put
him the hospital last Wednesday when he was complaining of chest pains but the
doctors can’t find anything wrong with
his heart. They think he has some kind
of infection. Mom said that James had to go to the doctors also because he cut
himself while messing around cutting on his shoe I haven’t heard from anyone
else. Mom said I received some genealogy from Grandma Wiliams cousin Velma Neville
who lives in New Mexico. I should
go pick it up over at Mom’s house. Time
sure is passing rather quickly . I still haven’t heard from Utah about my
teaching credential. It should come any day I suppose. I’m getting a little tired. I think my second
wind is about over. Nothing to mention
in the news, just Reagan and his budget cuts.
No Entry
3 March 1985 Sunday
No Entry
No Entry
5 March 1985 Tuesday
No Entry
No Entry
7 March 1985 Thursday
No Entry
8 March 1985 Friday
I have been sick with a strep throat for the
past two days. I didn’t go into work either on Tuesday, Wednesday and
Thursday. Today I left after a half day
to go see a doctor. The only reasons I went into today was because it’s payday
and I won’t get paid if I didn’t because
I have used up all my sick days already.
9 March 1985 Saturday
No Entry
10 March 1985 Sunday
I taught genealogy in my Sunday School class
om the House of Israel in Europe, especially on British Israel.
11 March 1985 Monday
It’s Monday and I spent the weekend sick with a cold. I am finally feeling like it is
breaking up. I went into work at 8 this morning and felt drugged out all day.
I’m taking a decongestant that’s made me so sleepy all day. It made it hard to concentrate on my searches. New girl who is black started today. Shelby
is her name and I guess now I’m one of the old timers now and I have only been
her 15 months. The new searchers now are Lee, Pam, Mike Hassell, and Shelby.
Mike is the only one I think I can become friends with. I don’t know what more
to write. I guess mom and dad are doing okay or I would have heard something.
They haven’t bothered to call me to see how I am. Fran received a letter from
her niece Tracy saying that her nephew
Stephen Fuchs had a little boy to carry
on the Fuchs’s name. Tracy that she and Dan want to move back to California.
After a long winter back there in Minnesota they ate ready to come back.
12 March 1985 Tuesday
No Entry
13 March 1985 Wednesday
Mom called me this morning at 6:45 to say that
my teaching credential came in the mail yesterday. That is a relief. She also
said that she’s been off work because pf a pinched nerve in her back. Grandma
Johnson’s sister Aunt Essie Word is in the hospital with a stroke and all of
Grandma’s sisters are in failing health. Grandma has three sisters’ older than
her who are still alive. There’s also a sister and brother younger
than her also still living. That’s about all mom had to say. At work, it was Fred Wetzel’s 25th
anniversary with Ticor. I don’t think I will ever work 25 years at just one
place. Fran took me to work as she needed the car so I had to take the bus home which I hate because here in Orange County
many of the drivers are so rude that they won’t even stop for you half the
time. Both today and yesterday, I had to wait an extra half hour because the
driver wouldn’t stop for me. At work Jack
Enda gave me a bottle of wine for doing such a good job for Newport. That made
me the celebrity among the new people
who were impressed , I suppose. I guess no one told him I am a Mormon and don’t
drink alcohol so I will give it to mom and dad. Lee, one of the new hires, quit
yesterday so now we only have Pam
Chavez, Mike Hassell, and Shelby. It was kind of a fun day at work for a change
because Fred was gone for most of the day. I ate across the street at Choo-Choo
Junction and had a bowl of Chili and a chicken salad sandwich. Back at work
Jennie Metz told Shelby that I was a Mormon and she said in shocked disbelief,
“Are you a MORMON?” and I said, “Yes. Is there something wrong with that?’ Then
she said , “You aren’t active are you? And I replied “Very”. It blew her a way, I could tell. So
later I said to her, “well now that you know
what my religion is, what is yours?” I really didn’t care I just wanted her to know that LDS is just my
religion and not my identity. Shelly Viall kept dumping paperclips all over my
desk this afternoon trying to be cute.
So many new faces at work. I miss Bob Reilly, Gary Smith, Joe Cruz and
even old fart Howard Nagal. I’ve been so
tired lately. I need to go to sleep. If I don’t go to sleep soon I’ll be a
basket case in the morning.
14 March 1985 Thursday
No Entry
15 March 1985 Friday
No Entry
16 March 1985 Saturday
No Entry
17 March 1985 Sunday
No Entry
18 March 1985 Monday
No Entry
19 March 1985 Tuesday
The Senate voted to authorize production of
the MX "Peacekeeper" intercontinental ballistic missile so Reagan can
have his toys.
20 March 1985 Wednesday
No Entry
21 March 1985 Thursday
No Entry
22 March 1985 Friday
No Entry
23 March 1985 Saturday
Fran and I went to see The Killing Fields
which was really good but very disturbing. It was about the Communist takeover
of Cambodia. I have been so neglectful
about writing in the book but really there is so little to write about. I am tired on not being appreciated at work,
tired of having no money because Fran doesn’t take work seriously and only
wants to learn how to do acrylic nails.
24 March 1985 Sunday
No Entry
25 March 1985 Monday
No Entry
26 March 1985 Tuesday
Today was an interesting day at work but before I go into that I need to mention that yesterday was the
Oscar Awards and Amadeus won as best picture Anyway back to today, this morning
Fran gave me a psychological test
developed by the Mattel Toy Company she said that they used in their
hiring practices. The test asked four
questions, the first being pick a color and then used four adjectives to
describe it. Then pick an animal and also use 4 adjectives to describe it. You
do the same the third time by describing a body of water and lastly describe
your feelings with four adjectives if you were in a room with four walls, no
windows, no doors and only a single light bulb. My answers were Blue, “colorful, cool, icy, pretty. Dog Fun, neat a buddy, loyal. The Great Salt
Lake, Stinky, slimy, salty, and dead. Finally, “lonely, unhappy, cold,
solitude. Fran said she answered the
following way. Yellow-Bright, cheerful, warm, sunny. Dog, Loyal, cuddly,
loving, strong. The pacific Ocean-Vast, unknown, scary, dark and lastly joyful,
energetic, physical, springy. I was amazed to learn the key to interpreting the
resulting answer. The color, animal, and body of water is inconsequential as it is the adjective that were important.
The color question is how we think other
people perceive us. The adjectives for the animal question is supposed how we
perceive ourselves. The Body of Water
question is how we feel about sex and the one about eh room is concerning
death. In other words, I think people
see me as colorful, cool, icy, and pretty and Fran think people perceive her
as is bright cheerful warm and
sunny. I think I am fun, , neat, loyal
and a buddy while Fran see herself as
loyal, cuddly, loving and strong. I think the words used to describe how I feel about sex is
really revealing. I called it stinky,
slimy, salty, and dead. I suppose it is as I am not expressing my homosexual
nature but only heterosexualism. Fran thinks sex is vast, scary, dark, and unknown which I think is
because of me. The response to how I feel about dead I think is probably
normal, lonely, unhappy, cold, and in solitude however I think Fran’s response
were weird, joyful, energetic, physical, and springy. Well, I couldn’t wait to try this quiz on my
coworkers at Ticor and I was amazed how valid this quiz seemed to be. There was sharp divide between how those in
management and salespeople answered as opposed to the regular office
workers. There was also a real difference between the men and
women. Rey Rubio who is a 35year old
Filipino and a good friend mentioned the
color Green perceived that others saw him as attractive, dominating, bright and
beautiful and he saw himself as a horse fast, friendly, good helper and nice to
work with. Estelle Reilly is 45 and
chose the color blue , pretty, bright, alive, and subtle. She was a cat, loveable, dependable,
independent and belonging. Harriett
Royer chose pink, soft, sweet babyish, not bright and also saw herself as a
cat, loveable sweet, dependable
belonging. Shelly Viall picked yellow and a dog like Fran , sunny,
bright, happy, warm and also cuddly loving, playful, happy. Jennie Metz picked Red bright, bold, vivacious, and attractive. Her
animal was a cat furry courageous, mischievous, lovable. All the supervisors at
Ticor saw themselves as animals of prey except for Elmer Heiser and Sall Grant.
Elmer was a rough, big, strong dog however
and Sally was a graceful deer surrounded by Lions. Fred Wetzel was a
Tiger vicious, strong ferocious Bill
Lake a Lion ferocious fast quick large, Barry Leimbach was a jaguar strong,
sleek fast dangerous , Curtis Sweeney
Bear mean, big, wooly, and ferocious. Only one of the regular office
workers, Mike Hassell saw himself as a lion, fierce, carnivorous, beautiful,
strong.. No wonder it’s a jungle out there. Tigers and Bears Oh My!.
27 March 1985 Wednesday
No Entry
28 March 1985 Thursday
No Entry
29 March 1985 Friday
It was a pretty day after all the wind and
rain we had earlier. There’s nothing new to report. I tried to get in touch
with John Cunningham today but never was able to. Fran’s gone to her O.A.
Meeting and I am just tired so stayed home. The house is a wreck but I am too tired to clean it. I know I’ll look back at these
times as dead years because my life is so boring. Congress has passed the MX
Missile Bill.
Additional Material
The LGM-118 Peacekeeper, originally known as the MX for
"Missile, Experimental", was a MIRV -capable intercontinental
ballistic missile (ICBM) produced and deployed by the United States from 1985
to 2005.Bombs away!
30 March 1985 Saturday
No Entry
Today would have been my Grandma Willaims’ 83rd
birthday. I went to church today but only to teach Sunday School, where I gave
a lesson on New England genealogy. As usual Fran didn’t do anything today
except eat and sleep. She’s abdicated any responsibility in helping keep up the apartment. All she’s supposed to
do is keep the kitty litter box cleaned in the upstairs bathroom but she won’t
even do that. She spends all her fucking time with her nails. Yesterday she
said she was too tired to sew up some
clothes of mine after I spent the day scrubbing and waxing the kitchen floor,
cleaning the front room and kitchen, doing a load of wash, grocery shopping and
cooking a batch of chili Verde. And she can’t find time to do one fucking thig for me?
But she had our neighbor Renie Whitney come over and stay all night doing her nails. I’m really getting
tired of this of this shit. I went over to Dale Street this afternoon after Mom
called and said that she had my elementary certificate from Weber State . Fran
was taking a nap so I just went by myself. Over there Mom asked us to come for
Easter Dinner next month. She also said James has a new job starting this week
at the Taco Bell on Chapman and Manchester. That’s funny because I first
started working at a Taco Bell while in college. Anyway, I gave Mom and Dad the
Mattel psychology test and this was the result. Mom’s color was Blue, bright,
brilliant, cold, icy. Her animal was a Horse fast, swift, loyal, intelligent.
The water was Lake Tahoe Pretty deep, cool blue. The Room was Claustrophobia, hemmed in,
nervous. Dad picked green, relaxing,
happy, cool, not ripe. The animal was Cow provides food, sad, friendly. The
water was Ocean wide, deep, rough, blue. In the Room he was bored confined
restless and lonely. It made me realize that dad sees himself as a provider to
his family.
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