Fall 4th Quarter Journal 1986 October-December

Darrell Ray Hunt, 71, of Idaho Falls, passed away Saturday, April 28, 2012, at Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center. Darrell was born April 3, 1941, in Idaho Falls to John Ray Hunt and Sarah Pearl Mullinnex Hunt. He attended Idaho Falls High school and graduated in the class of 1959. After graduation, he attended Ricks College. He then accepted a call to serve a mission in Brazil. This was one of his favorite times in life. After his mission, he returned to school, obtaining a bachelor's degree Darrell's first job out of college was as a band teacher in Bancroft, Idaho. Later, he moved with his family to Vernal, Utah, where he was employed as a band and choir teacher at the high school. In 1974, he moved with his family to Idaho Falls, where he was employed as a band teacher until the late 1980s. His later years were spent working at Sam's Club until his retirement.  He loved Brazilian Basanovas. He played many instruments and especially enjoyed the trombone. He loved going for drives and taking in nature. Yellowstone Park was one of his favorite places to drive through. Darrell will always be remembered as having a sense of humor and being optimistic. He is survived by his companion of 20 years, Curtis Magnuson; a sister, Norma Ryner; his two children, Fay Michaelis and Darrell Hunt; and nine grandchildren. He is preceded in death by his parents, John Ray Hunt and Sarah Pearl Mullinnex Hunt; his sister, Melva Hunt; twin brother, Doyle Hunt; half-brother, John Vernal Hunt; and a half-sister, Ruby Hunt. Private family services were held May 1 at Buck-Miller-Hann Funeral Home in Idaho Falls. Interment was at Fielding Memorial Park in Idaho Falls.

 

OCTOBER 1986

1 October 1986 Wednesday

It rained almost all day. Work was barely tolerable but I'm missing Billy Bikowski something horrible. While I was cleaning up my kitchen listening to the stereo this sad love song by George Michael, A Different Corner was played. The words "I am so scared" and "If all that there is- is this the fear of being used I should go back to being lonely and confused, if I could I would, I swear" sent this overwhelming feeling of loneliness sweeping over me. Since moving out on my own, I have felt lonely before but not this dreadful sense of "loneliness". So I went upstairs to Jon Butler's apartment where we talked for a long time. We talked until almost 11 at night. I told him how lost I was feeling and I don't know why. Jon just let me talk it out and I heard myself saying that by sending Bill Bikowski away, I have my "self esteem", myself "respect", my integrity, but these are only empty words. They don't lie down beside me at night. So after I left Jon's, I called Bill Bikowski up and inquired how he was. He said that he had a head cold. I asked him if he would like to spend the night and he agreed. About midnight Billy showed up and now is at my side and this is better than words.

Additional Material 

The Mayor of Salt Lake and the Governor of Utah both declared the last week in October as AIDS Awareness Week. Utah Health Department reported that there was 42 cases of AIDS in Utah and 22 of these people had died. John Lorenzini of the Utah AIDS Project publicly announced that he had AIDS in a letter in the Triangle Magazine. Richard Cochran, director of AIDS Project Utah stated that he was unaware that there had been an AIDS Awareness Week last year when APU sponsored another AIDS Awareness Week for the end of October after the Royal Court’s fund raising efforts. John Lorenzini born 25 Mar 1947 died 18 July 1990 of AIDS age 43. Rick Cochran  born 28 March 1953 died 5 June 1987 of AIDS in Minnesota.

2 October 1986 Thursday

I am happier today than I have been since last Saturday. Bill Bikowski spent the night and stayed at my house most of the day resting from his cold. I fed him some homemade chicken soup and plied him with vitamin C. He felt well enough to leave this afternoon but he came back over in the evening and I fed him some split pea soup and crackers. I also made him some sweet rolls and we curled up on the couch and watched Bill Cosby, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court. After the shows were over we turned the TV off because wanted to have a seriously talk. Out of the blue he began to rag on John Cunningham, saying how John used me and how I am always defending him. He went on to comment how that anyone I become involved with will have to live under the shadow of John Cunningham. I don't know what burr was under his saddle but it sure sounded like he was jealous of John. I tried to explain to Billy that I think my love for John represented my sense of Gayness through all the dead years when I pretended to be heterosexual. It was by me holding onto this memory of my love for John, even if he didn't love me back, was my unconscious attempt to hold on to my true self. After arguing for a while over this bizarre subject I was exhausted. Billy wanted to stay up and watch David Letterman but I said I was going to bed and I did.

3 October 1986 Friday

I woke up about 2 this morning and not seeing Billy Bikowski in his bed, I went into the front room and found him sound asleep on the floor with the television going. I tried to rouse him to come to bed but he was dead to the world so I went and pulled the pillow blankets off the bed, covered him up, and left him there. I went back to bed disappointed that he was not coming to bed. I just wanted to hold him and him being just in the other room, seemed to exaggerate the distance of our relationship.  I awoke at 8:30 and went off to work leaving him asleep on the floor. Work was a little busier than usual and that was good. After work I came home and Billy was gone. Not long after being home. Jon Butler came down with a friend of his from Washington DC. His name is Kim Garver and he is also a friend of Elbert Peck! I invited the two for dinner and fixed chicken spaghetti. Afterwards they invited me to go with them to the Deerhunter. We found a spot at the end of the bar near the men's room so we could cruise all the guys coming and going. As we visited, I found that Kim is a really nice guy and I like him a lot, but as a friend. Besides any friend of Elbert Peck's is a friend of mine. We sat there, had a beer but the place was filling up fast so when Jon complained that the smoke was killing his eyes, we left to head over to the In-Between where there's a patio. I also wanted to see if sexy John Howell was there and he was sitting at the end of the bar and drunk already. When I went up to him to say hi, he acted indifferent to me this time. I was really disappointed, and feeling kind of rejected. I thought I don't need his bull shit so I said to the others “let's head over to Backstreet”. Jon was tired and just wanted to go home but before he left he hooked Kim and me up with another friend of his named Rick. So we walked over to Backstreet from the In-Between and at first I was kind of disappointed and ready to walk home, but then I saw a crowd from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union sitting at a table. There were Jim Hunsaker, Curtis Jensen, Graham Bell, and Mike Ortega all having a good time. Graham Bell was dressed as Joan Crawford and Curtis Jensen was in drag as Christine Crawford, wire hanger and all. They were a hoot!  I introduced Kim to everyone but he was hitting it off with Rick and soon they disappeared for the night. I asked Jim Hunsaker to dance and we were out on the dance floor for nearly an hour, changing the words from "I'm your Venus" to "I'm your Penis"! Boys had their shirts off and the smell of male sweat and poppers perforated even the smoke. As the evening wound down, I went with Curtis, Jim, Graham and Mike over to the new Gay restaurant next to the In-Between. It's called Connection and it’s kind of connected to the In-Between by an inside entrance. We went for a late night snack and I really got to know the Lesbian and Gay Student Union crowd better, and they me. I was able to catch a ride with them home. On 6th South and State Street we came to a stop next to this really cute guy who I could see kept looking at us out of the corner of his eye. I flashed him a smile and he smiled back. I could tell he was interested in what was going on in our car but couldn't figure out the woman being there, so Curtis pulls off his blond curly wig, shakes out his short black hair form underneath. The guy in the other car then just laughs and I waved at him. He waved back but as the light turned green he sped off leaving behind his close encounter with a Walk on the Wild Side. t was a very fun, exciting evening after all but more so it was nice to know that I can have a good time without Billy Bikowski. It was after 2 in the morning  before I landed in bed.

Additional Material

 Antonio A. Feliz receives and translates a revelation, now HT&P 42, commanding preparation for Spanish‑language missionary work and promises angelic protection for those missionaries.

4 October 1986 Saturday

I managed to sleep in until almost ten-thirty and almost as soon as I was out of the shower, Jon Butler and Kim Garver came by my place. They were on their way downtown to the Triad Center and wanted me to go with them. I told them that I would have to decline because I was on my way to get a haircut. I'm tired of my hair being so scraggy. So after they left, I rode over to the dollar cuts, got my trim, and then over to Smith’s to pick up some groceries. I am getting pretty good at balancing the shopping bags on my handle bars. n the afternoon I finally got around to doing a load of wash for the first time in over two weeks! I was really out of clothes. While trying to clean the house, Troy Nichols dropped by. He said he caught a cold, so I fixed him some chicken soup. We visited some and Troy is a good hearted kid. While sitting in the front room Troy lit up a joint. He asked me if I wanted a toke and I tried a puff. It was something I hadn't done in ages, maybe since before I became a Mormon. Later Troy took me to the liquor store and I bought a bottle of White Zinfandel to have in the house for company. After he left Kim Garver came back down and asked if I wanted to go to General Priesthood Session of October Conference. I said "thanks but no thanks". I was not that stoned. I didn't need to waste two hours listening to that dribble. Finally Billy Bikowski shows up at 5 o'clock to go out to J.C Penny's in West Valley with me to exchange his birthday gift. Having been kept waiting by him for an hour pissed me off, but once at Penny's he picked out some real cute Bugle Boy gray pants and a nice shirt to go with it. I spent over $40 on him. It was fun buying Billy clothes and dressing him like a life size Ken Doll. Anyway on the way home Billy asked me what I had planned for tonight. I said "Oh nothing special" expecting to him to follow through with the inquiry, with a remark like, "Do you want to go out tonight" which would have been the next logical suggestion but instead Billy says, "Richard Lamborn and I are going to The Sun tonight to check out all the Conference goers". I replied “That sounds like fun" and I was still half expecting him then to ask "Do you want to come along?" But nothing. Billy says nothing to me but small talk the rest of the drive home. I kept thinking, "Bill you better ask me out if you know what's good for you. You better ask me out" But he says nothing. I become very quiet then and Billy sensing my mood change knew something was wrong but he wouldn't ask what. I gave him all the opportunity in the world to ask me to go along tonight and he never did. When he dropped me at my apartment I said "ciao" and then his favorite expression "Bueno" for goodbye. I ran into my apartment and did everything I could to keep from crying. I am sorry but I don't think it was too much to expect to be asked to come along. Here I just spent $40 on him, and he can't even ask me along to go bar hopping? I just tried to forget it by watching television but about 8 o'clock Kim Garver and Jon Butler dropped by wanting me to go with them to the Deerhunter so I never got to watch the Golden Girls. I needed to get out of the apartment to keep from feeling sorry for myself so we walked down 4th South to 3rd West and 7th South. Kim absolutely loves this bar but I'm not crazy about it because you can't dance there. Anyway I was getting drunk there on Kim's peach schnapps that he brought with him and I see Derek Kaufman. While visiting I told him what Billy did to me today and he said that he never was too crazy about Billy anyways, and I should just dump him. I also asked him if he had a membership to the Sun and if he would take me there. He did so we went. I wanted to go dancing and show that son of a bitch that I don't need his skinny ass to have fun. The Sun was packed and I didn't see Billy at first. I spotted Mark Haslim from Affirmation through the crowd, and he asked me to dance. While we were out on the dance floor, I saw Bill and Richard dancing together. Bill saw me and came over and extended his hand for me to shake. I wanted belt him, not shake his hand but I did because I am a better person than he is. Kinder. But then I turned my back on him, and ignored him by going back to my dancing partner.  This haunting song “Red Red Wine” by UB40 then was played by the DJ and it summed up my drunken state of mind. How dare Billy even come up to me to say hi at all? Why the fuck should I act like everything is wonderful. It isn't wonderful. Bill has absolutely no consideration for me or my feelings. He can trash my heart and smile an innocent smile as if no harm done? I danced a little more with some others and then Brad Townsend took me home at one-thirty in the morning. Bill, Bill, Bill. You chisel away my love till there's nothing left. Goodbye. As a great Vulcan once said, "Live long and prosper".

Additional Material: Chuck Whyte presented Unity V “The Quest” 1986. The annual Unity Show acts as catalyst for organizing a forum for Gay and Lesbian leaders and activists to address a large audience. Greg Garcia, a founder of the Wasatch Motorcycle Club challenges the community to work together.  Unity V was held at Backstreet. Garcia stated in part, “I, as master of the Wasatch Leather men, invite the heads of all Gay and Lesbian bars, organizations, and groups to join me in a meeting to begin the vital exchange of aid and information. …Brothers and Sisters we face the most dire crisis in our long history. Through unity we can find hope. Through unity we will fight oppression from within and without.”

• "When I Think Of You” by Janet Jackson is number one song on the national charts
• Lyrics to Red, Red Wine performed by UB40-“Red, red wine Goes to my head.. Make me forget that I Still need her so… Red, red wine It’s up to you All I can do, I’ve done…. mem`ries won’t go… mem`ries won’t go… I’d have thought That with time… Thoughts of you  Would leave my head…I was wrong now I find Just one thing makes me forget… Red, red wine Stay close to me….. Don’t let me be alone ….It’s tearin` apart My blue, blue heart…. Red red wine you make me feel so fine… You keep me rocking all of the time… Red red wine you make me feel so grand… I feel a million dollars when you’re just in my hand…. Red red wine you make me feel so sad… Any time I see you go it makes me feel bad… Red red wine you make me feel so fine… Monkey pack him rizla pon the sweet dep line… Red red wine you give me whole heap of zing… Whole heap of zing mek me do me own thing… Red red wine you really know how fi love… Your kind of loving like a blessing from above… Red red wine I love you right from the start… Right from the start with all of my heart… Red red wine in a 80`s style… Red red wine in a modern beat style,… yeah Give me little time,… help me clear up me mind… Give me little time, help me clear up me mind… Give me red wine because it make me feel fine… Mek me feel fine all of the time…Red red wine you make me feel so fine …Monkey pack him rizla on the sweet dep line… The line broke, the monkey get choke… Burn bad rizla pon him little rowing boat… Red red wine i`m gonna hold to you… Hold on to you cause I know you love true… Red red wine I’m gonna love you till I die… Love you till I die and that`s no lie… Red red wine can`t get you out my mind… Where ever you maybe I’ll surely find …I`ll surely find …make no fuss jus` stick with us…. Red red wine you really know how fi love.. Your kind of loving like a blessing from above… Red red wine I love you right from the start… Right from the start with all of my heart… Red red wine you really know how i love… Your kind of loving like a blessing from above… Red red wine you give me whole heap of zing …Whole heap of zing mek me do me own thing

5 October 1986 Sunday

I didn't get up this morning until around ten when Kim Garver came over and wanted to go out for brunch. I told him that I really couldn't afford to go out and that if he liked I would fix him breakfast here, which I did. About the same time Mike Anderson called and I invited him over for breakfast too. I fixed scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast. We were having a good time gossiping when Fran called. She was in Salt Lake City visiting with Wanda Fillman-Suazo. She said that she's going to see this woman Debbie Fairchild who is running a support group for LDS women whose husbands are Gay. She also said she was interviewing for a job with the IRS and if she can get a good government job she will be set. After getting off the phone, Kim tells me that while visiting Russ Lane, Russ told him to be careful around me because I am only looking for sex! What a real ass! I could have slapped the slut into next Sunday. Russ has put the moves on Kim and everyone one else in Salt Lake City and he has the nerve to say that about me! I haven't ever wanted to be with anyone but Russ, John Howell and Billy Bikowski and they all don't want to be with me, so my sex life is just about on par as in a nunnery. After everyone left to go about their business, I went to the U of U and sat in the sauna in the HPER Building. I needed to de-tox from all the alcohol I've been drinking this weekend. I stayed up there for a couple of hours and it felt so good to have all my pores opened up. It was kind of quiet up there and not any action going on that I could see. After sweating all my juices out, I walked on home where I baked some cinnamon rolls for Affirmation's pot luck tonight. I was kind of expecting Mike Anderson to swing by and pick me up but when no one showed I walked up the escarpment to 13th East where we are meeting now in the Unitarian Church on 6th South. I sang, “Red, red wine Stay close to me Don’t let me be alone It’s tearin` apart My blue, blue heart” all the way up the hill. The song is stuck in my head. It wasn't too bad outside walking up only about 55 degrees. I was a little late getting there, after all the announcements, and I was pooped. Russ was such an Ass for moving us up the hill. I decided that this is my last time at Affirmation, after looking around and seeing an all new group of people there. Only Russ and I were from the old crowd and the only one's still there that had been here since the beginning last March, and I am burned out on Russ. Poor Paul and Rob, those guys from BYU. They said they were beat up by fag bashers last night when they left the Sun. About five guys jumped them in the Sun parking lot by the railroad tracks. They stole their money and Paul looked pretty bad with his face all swollen and bruised. I visited with Paul and said how sorry I was for them and how what goes around will come around. Eventually somewhere, sometime it will come back to those boys. I do so believe in karma and not resisting evil. But it did make me realize that it could have just as easily have been Brad Townsend and I and that I need to take a cab home when I am out late in that area and not try to walk home. Paul said he appreciated my words since no one else would talk to him about it. The Pot Luck was a drag I suppose with all the new people not knowing each other. I was the only one trying to fellowship people, and I wasn't in the best of moods. Bill Bikowski wasn't here tonight and I hadn't heard from him all day. Who cares? I left Affirmation early and walked back home more melancholy than ever. I am really feeling sorry for myself and wondering what this life is all about? I need to pray more and become more Christ centered in my life. Well I did feed Bill, clothed him, and gave him shelter which the Lord require us all to do for each other, but now I must serenely fold my hands and wait for someone new.

6 October 1986 Monday

I am not feeling well, fighting off a cold I think.  Troy Nichols went home today sick so something is going around. Bill Bikowski was sick last week.    I left work early and while crossing the street, I saw a little Toby like puppy flopping along after his master. I broke out in tears and thought oh Toby I miss you so much! Our love is stronger than the bonds of death. Sam and Toby I love you so much. If I could wish myself dead to be with you both I would. When does the hurting stop? Oh Toby how could I have let you go? I just did not know how much pain there would be in our separation. I’ve heard of dogs mourning themselves to death for their friends and I feel like at times I am doing the same. Thank God they don’t have a grave for me to go to and grieve over. At home I started to get the chills while also breaking out in a sweat. I had wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union tonight but decided it was more prudent to stay home, warm and snuggly. Besides I was in a low spot emotionally. I did call the Douglas County School District in Nevada to send me for an application. Douglas County is the Reno-Tahoe area. I feel like I want to leave Salt Lake and the memories of Bill Bikowski. I need to make a start away from bastards like Russ Lane and Bill who only know how to use people and to get away from the painful memories of Fran, Toby and Sam. I don't know what else to do. About 6 this evening Billy called me and wanted to talk. What more is there to say? He wanted to know what he did that was so wrong and I said that if you don't know then it really doesn't matter because then you really don't know right from wrong. He said, "You sound closed up to me", and I said, "Isn't that what businesses do when they take inventory?" Billy wants some neat concise pat answer that will make him feel good and I'm sorry right now I don't have any answers that will make what he did right. I think I should cut my losses right now and go with my life. Billy wanted me to come over at ten tonight but I said, "No". He wanted me to call him later this week and I said, "Perhaps". He then said that he had to go to his drawing class so I said "Go.  You have a lot of time, effort and money tied up in it to not go and do well". As I am writing this a wave of "giving in" has swept over me. It's 9:30 and if I walk over to Billy's I will get there about ten. I just don't know what to do. I am such a fool. Such a fool. Do I just love the rejection? Do I believe all the sacrifice will make a difference? Will the BLUE FAERIE come and make wooden Billy into a real boy of flesh and blood? Stay or go? Be practical. Be a man. Have some pride. Some self esteem or Go to Billy and hold him as long as you can for our walk together is very short. If I could only hold Toby and Sam again they would want for nothing. I will go to Bill's tonight. The time will be soon enough when I won't have him to hold. John Cunningham is proof of that. Hold on to life before eventually time rob us of everything. About nine thirty Willy Marshall dropped by and we briefly visited until I said I had to leave.  Willy said was mainly waiting for Jon Butler to get home and he’d would have been visiting Russ but when he went up there he could hear that  he was tricking with someone. So after nine-thirty I walked over to 9th East and 125 South, singing the melancholic sad song "Red Red Wine". “Red Red wine stay close to me make me forget that I needed him so. Red, red wine it’s up to you all that I can do I've done but the memories won't go.” When I reached his apartment Billy wasn't home so I sat down and wrote him a farewell note. I wished him well and asked him to take care of the little boy inside himself that is precious to me. Then I walked on home. Willy was still here waiting in the hall so I invited him in and we sat and visited. He said that he did get in to briefly talk to Russ Lane. I told Willy that I thought Russ was living in a fantasy world and needed therapy. Willy left when Jon came home and  I went to bed near midnight when I had really wanted to go to bed much earlier.

7 October 1986 Tuesday

It was a dreary day. I am wondering what life is all about. Work has been the same for a while. It’s so dreary without Russ, and without Troy Holmberg. After work I went up to Jon Butler’s to talk. We sat in the dark to match my mood and discussed Gay relationships. He’s upset about Lon Wright because Lon is distraught and being hysterical about their relationship.  I told Jon that I am missing Billy Bikowski that I miss his smile. We decided that we both needed to get out so we took a walk over to Bryant Intermediate where the Salt Lake Men's Choir practices and then we walked down 9th East where I could see that Billy wasn't home. I knew that he would be at his class. After leaving Jon back at the Juel, I called Billy’s answering machine just to hear his voice. It's so dear to me. I then called Alma Smith and Mike Pipkin to find out what is going on in their lives. The days are so little without Bill.  There’s a saying that one must become a fool to become wise. Am I just a fool?

Additional Material-Elizabeth Van Der Burgh and John Lorenzini of AIDS Project Utah began training sessions for the Utah Department of Social Services. Eventually over 700 department employees were trained by the end of the year. Van Der Burgh RN served on the Board of Trustees of APU. Lorenzini came to APU after serving in AIDS Project LA and the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. Lorenzini Past co-chair of the National Association of People With AIDS for past three years.

8 October 1986 Wednesday

Work went okay with no major problems. The weather is wonderful, very autumn-like. The trees are all golden and there’s the smoky smell of wood burning in fireplaces is in the air at night. Tonight is the 2nd meeting of Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. Mike Pipkin came over at six-thirty and I asked him to come with me to the meeting so we walked down to the Crossroads Urban Center together.  It was a much smaller meeting tonight, just four of us and one was a Lesbian named Brook Hallock. It was extremely interesting hearing her story. We discussed the group’s charter and she said she really liked it especially the fact that we decline outside contributions. She said that certain influential members of the community believe that they are immune to criticism because of the money they give to the different groups. After the meeting Mike Pipkin and I went over to Jon Butlers where we sat and visited until nearly ten. We got in to this deep conversation about how to achieve a Christ conscious state of awareness. Back at my apartment I called Billy Bikowski's answering machine again to hear Bill's voice but Bill answered instead. I enquired about his health and he asked me to come over. I knew that it was not the smart thing to do but I went anyways. I walked on over and there Billy was doing his dishes down the hall in a vacant apartment because his own sink is backed up. I sat down in the front room on the floor while he finished his dishes and played Carly Simon's Torch Song Album "I'll Be Around" and Fleetwood Mac's TUSK album especially SARA.  “Drowning in the Sea of Love”. Billy came in and sat down next to me and I just stared at his profile searing his image into my memory banks to last me a life time. At one point Billy said that he wanted some cheese but didn’t have any in the house so we walked down to Safeway’s on 9th East and 4th South, about midnight, to try and find the perfect cheese. Billy called it a “Cheese Quest”. That was fun and, as always, a little bizarre. Coming back to his apartment we sat in the dark eating cheese and around 2 the morning I asked him "Do I give you enough time to miss me?" It was a rhetorically question needing no answer by Billy replied, "You can't make me love you." I said, "I Know". I passed this remark off lightly and said I have to go home. Billy wanted to drive me home but I didn't want his company anymore. He tried to make me get in the car but I am just as strong willed and I was insistent about walking home which I did.

Additional Material

Russ Lane Chapter director of Wasatch Affirmation visited the office of Mr. Hartman Rector of the LDS Seventies Quorum to complain about anti- Gay remarks. Rector’s secretary reported that he received a number of letters of complaint from Gay members about Rector’s anti-homosexual remarks.  President Ezra Taft Benson condemned homosexual behavior also in the General Priesthood remarks.

9 October 1986 Thursday

I didn't get up until eight-thirty this morning feeling blue and tired from last night. Bill Bikowski was upset that I wouldn't let him drive me home last night but why should he always get his way? I rarely do. I had to walk home to clear my mind and be away from Bill. As Evelyn Wambaugh says, “another blow upon the bruise.”     I was sort of out of it at work all day. Gena fired the copy girls yesterday. Geez Louise! Who doesn’t Gena fire?   I haven’t felt well all day and at lunch I went home to lie down. In the mail Carol Lynn Pearson’s book “Goodbye I Love You,” came. I couldn’t put it down.  I cried, no bawled through the last thirty pages. The story hits too close to home. I don’t want I be like Gerald. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life going from lover to lover then dying alone. Though Gerald didn’t die alone, he didn’t find his male love either and died being taken care of by women. Should I run back to Fran’s arms and become celibate or do I struggle and fight and see where this adventure I call life takes me? I really would like to die. I’m not having a lot of joy in my life right now. I would like to join Sam and Toby. Why struggle, tussle, and scuffle?  I am ready to lie down somewhere and become a meadow.   I brought Russ Lane some chicken and dumplings tonight. What is life about if not to nurture until the grave swallows us up? Russ had his friend Cary over so I didn’t stay but instead came home and watched some TV. Jon Butler dropped by and he could tell that I was down in the dumps and he said that I do have him as a friend and for me to always remember that. After he left I decided I needed to go for a walk to stop crying. I ended up at Beau Chaine's place at 500 East and 500 South. We talked about Billy Bikowski and how much I love him but Beau said that I have to get over him because he isn't worth it and besides Beau tried to tell me that it’s in Billy's Eastern European genes to have a defect when it comes to reciprocating love. I don't know about that. I think that's simply Beau's Gallic prejudice of Polish people. I am mentally exhausted. Poor Carol Lynn and Gerald Pearson, and poor Ben and Fran.

10 October 1986 Friday

I called in sick today because I was so nauseous. I slept in until eleven and only got up then because Darrell Hunt was coming by at one in the afternoon for a visit. However at noon Jon Butler came by to see how I was doing because he knew I was really depressed over Carol Lynn Pearson’s book. I said I was okay, just tired. It was so sweet of him to care about me. Jon had to go back to work before Darrell Hunt came, and Darrell brought some Kentucky fried Chicken for lunch. That was also sweet of him. We visited until nearly three when I told him that I had to go run some errands before the “get together” tonight.  I invited him to come back later tonight and join us.     He said that he would enjoy that since he was going to be alone in Salt Lake tonight. Darrell is this 45 year old man from Idaho Falls that I had met several months ago at Affirmation. He was a school teacher who had just been through the trauma of being arrested in a public park in Idaho and after publishing his name in the paper he lost his job and family. He said he was suicidal and that I was the only one who talked to him that night at Affirmation and had given him hope by being saying so many positive things about being a Gay man. I wish I could save people the humiliation of that awful experience.     Anyway in the late afternoon I went to the Barber Shop to have my beard removed but they were so crowded that I didn’t stay to have it down. Instead I went to the store to get something to fix for the evening. I made a crab dip and bought some drinks and apples to bake.     As the day wore on I became even more nauseous and sicker by the minute but it was too late to cancel so I pulled the “old trooper” routine and was the charming host.     Mark Lamar, his lover Bill Cowsert, Jon Butler, Darrell Hunt, and I chitchatted, and played a word game to get to know each other better. We discussed AIDS, the book “Goodbye I Love You”, and the Gay life. Jon though I was in rare form and guffawed over everything I was saying. He thought I was being witty with him being my best audience but in fact I think I was just getting more delirious. However it was an enjoyable evening with things breaking up at ten-thirty.     After my company left I became sicker and sicker and went right to bed where I began to get the tremors and deliriums from my fever and wanted Billy Bikowski by my side. I staggered up out of bed and called Billy and asked him to please come over and stay with me. He said he was still as work but would after he finished a project he was working on. About two in the morning he came straight from working. I was so delirious that I was rambling. I could tell I was burning up with fever. I lay on the couch with my head in Billy's lap while he watched late night television and I finally fell asleep about four.  I am so grateful that Billy's here.

Additional Material

Darrell R Hunt 1941-2012

 Darrell Ray Hunt, 71, of Idaho Falls, passed away Saturday, April 28, 2012, at Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center. Darrell was born April 3, 1941, in Idaho Falls to John Ray Hunt and Sarah Pearl Mullinnex Hunt. He attended Idaho Falls High school and graduated in the class of 1959. After graduation, he attended Ricks College. He then accepted a call to serve a mission in Brazil. This was one of his favorite times in life. After his mission, he returned to school, obtaining a bachelor's degree from Brigham Young University. He married but later divorced. Darrell's first job out of college was as a band teacher in Bancroft, Idaho. Later, he moved with his family to Vernal, Utah, where he was employed as a band and choir teacher at the high school. In 1974, he moved with his family to Idaho Falls, where he was employed as a band teacher until the late 1980s. His later years were spent working at Sam's Club until his retirement.  He loved Brazilian Basanovas. He played many instruments and especially enjoyed the trombone. He loved going for drives and taking in nature. Yellowstone Park was one of his favorite places to drive through. Darrell will always be remembered as having a sense of humor and being optimistic. He is survived by his companion of 20 years, Curtis Magnuson; a sister, Norma Ryner; his two children, Fay Michaelis and Darrell Hunt; and nine grandchildren. He is preceded in death by his parents, John Ray Hunt and Sarah Pearl Mullinnex Hunt; his sister, Melva Hunt; twin brother, Doyle Hunt; half-brother, John Vernal Hunt; and a half-sister, Ruby Hunt. Private family services were held May 1 at Buck-Miller-Hann Funeral Home in Idaho Falls. Interment was at Fielding Memorial Park in Idaho Falls.

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                                                   11 October 1986 Saturday

Billy Bikowski left this morning about nine or ten. I asked him if he would stop by Jon Butler's to ask him to come downstairs to check on me.  I felt so drained and weak. I asked Jon if he could go to the store and get me orange juice. He also brought down a book written by Jerald and Sandra Tanner called Mormonism: Shadow or Reality. I have been so conditioned to think of the Tanners as outrageous liars and monsters while I was LDS but now I find this their writings are quite scholarly and while shocking to an ill informed Mormon, most of what they wrote about was not new to me. However I never saw so such information compiled in one encyclopedic source.  For many years I had problems with some of the basic tenants of the Mormon Church, which to my way of thinking were not in harmony with the teachings of Christ. I do not believe in “Blood Atonement”, “Secret Signs and Tokens”, “Polygamy”, “Adam-God”, “Priesthood Authority”, “infallibility of the First Presidency”, “the modern Church incorporated”, “tithing”, and other things I won’t enumerate.     One Faith promoting incident occurred today. About three thirty I felt well enough to get up and do some dishes when suddenly the clock radio blared on.  As I went to turn it off I recognized Ed Benson’s voice. He was a guest on Martin Davies’ K-Talk Radio program discussing homosexuality. I was amazed because I never listen to Talk radio and here my radio was tuned to the station. Figuring that Russ Lane or people at Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians might want to listen to the program, I started to tape record the show. As my cassette tape was coming to the end, all of a suddenly I heard Fran’s voice as a call-in listener! She called in and was talking about us!  I was only able to tape some of her thoughts but what I had made me cry. I was so grateful that Heavenly Father wanted me to hear how Fran is dealing with our separation and made it possible for me to do so. Later in the evening Jon brought a married friend of his over to meet me in order to get some more information on MADGAL. His name was Rich Pupil and we ended up visiting for much of the evening. Incredibly Rich said that he knew who Bill Bikowski was for he has seen Bill at the Deerhunter drinking dark beer, being coy and cutesy about the bar popcorn there, saying it was his and being playful. Billy’s deadly charm. Interestingly Rich said that while he thought Bill was cute he could sense that Bill wasn't really ready to hop in the sack. I knew that. Billy just wants to talk and ply his charm on susceptible men.     Jon and Rich left about ten and I went to bed around ten-thirty still feeling weak from my virus for much of the day.

Additional Material

Partial Transcript of the Martin Davies Show on K-TALK Radio

Fran: I would like Mr. Benson to listen to the man that called in the first half on the program who said please don’t shut the door on it  I don’t know if my husband was born the way he is. He says he can remember having homosexual feelings when he was three. And my husband is not a liar and I believe him but I also believe this gentleman who called in and says not to close the door on it.  I think if we say well we are born that way then it precludes any possibility of change. Martin: Okay Good point Ed: If you would like to leave that door open, I certainly would welcome that. Martin: Can I ask you a couple of questions? Fran: .Sure Martin: When you married your husband did you know he was gay? Fran:  No… Viscerally I knew… but he did not tell me that… but deep down I knew he was. Martin: A Gut Feeling Fran: Yes my gut feeling was that he was. But it didn’t matter. We are LDS.  He’s trying to do the right thing, live the gospel and all this stuff and it just wasn’t enough. Martin: One of the questions I was going to ask Ed, but we have somebody here to help us, is- how can a wife tell if her husband may be gay? Fran:  Drive by Liberty Park and see if he can keep his head straight. Ed: I get your point. But maybe the audience doesn’t know what we mean by this. You want elaborate on that? Fran: You can go ahead. Ed: I think what she is alluding too is often times, men go to public places such as parks, and this again if people are paying attention to who is going in and out of restrooms, I think this is what she had in mind. Fran: Yes and the park itself. There are a lot of guys running around the track and I know my husband would often times just break his neck looking at the men instead of the road. That wasn’t the first clue I had but just things like that. Martin: How did it first come out into the open? Fran: Well when I married him he had been disfellowshipped and he told me the reason for his disfellowshipment. Ed: Through the LDS Church. Fran: Uh Huh (affirmative). Ed: I see. Well this is what we mentioned earlier that this is not an accepted practice in almost any religion. Fran: Well my problem with that is… I don’t have any problem with the church’s stand on anything...it’s their church. They can do want they want. But I have a problem with people, and I know it’s done out of ignorance so I am forgiving of it, but I hope… I really think what you said at the beginning about in the 1980’s we won’t be recommending that people marry as a fix kind of thing, like a cure for it, because it doesn’t fix anything. Ed: That’s true. Often children are brought into this marriage… they are innocent and its confusing for them and also for ourselves, as your own case has been, I’ve sure, been very difficult. Fran: Yes. Martin: How do you feel or get along with your husband? Fran: Oh I love him.  We had a better marriage them most straight people I know. Ed: And this often can be the case.  It can be very effective and a good pairing. Fran: But he was not unfaithful to me as far as I know. Ed: This also can be the case. That is what I mentioned earlier in my relationship with my wife of 15 years, I was faithful to her. Fran: He was…he is…. kind, he’s sensitive, he’s sweet, he’s helpful, he cooks better than I do, cleans house better than I do so I hated to lose him. Ed: So what you are saying there were a lot of advantages. Fran: I really hated to lose him… that is what has hurt me so much because I miss him I miss his association so much. And I am in therapy right now and I am trying to work through this so that I will be able to be friends with him and not have my guts ripped out every time I see him. Ed: Have you read the book of Miss Pearson’s? Fran: Yeah, I am kind of half way through it right now. Ed: Okay I think that will give you some good insights too.  Her experiences in a very meaningful can be very helpful for you. Fran: Yeah I think so too. And also Debbie Fairchild’s down at the BYU. She’s a graduate student and she works with people in this situation because she’s been in the same situation too. Ed: Okay that’s a good resource. Fran: Uh Huh (affirmative) Martin: How long were you married? Fran: Ten years. Martin: You lived together ten years? Fran: Uh Huh. (affirmative)  Martin: Was the kind of parting that happened very recently,  you know,  “okay Sweetheart I got to let you go because you got this in your system and I don’t want to hold you back”? What that your attitude? Fran: No I wanted to…he left me. Martin: Yeah that is what I mean. Fran: Yeah,  he said “I love you but I’m not in love with you”,  and he felt like part of his life was missing that he had been living a lie, and he had to pursue that… and I hated hearing that. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t care if he was homosexual as long as he didn’t act on it. Martin: Yeah (sympathetic) Fran And I’m now… this might sound strange but it wasn’t a problem for me. Martin: How’s he getting along? Fran: He said he’s happier than he’s ever been. Ed: How old is this man? Fran Thirty-five Ed: So he’ still pretty young isn’t he? Martin: Did he leave town? Fran: No, he’s here. Martin: And if you should see him driving the other way, it really cuts you up badly? Fran: I can’t stand it. I can’t even stand it.  If I see him I’ll cry for two days… and nights. Martin: Well my unprofessional comment is… you are clearly somebody capable of giving terrific amounts of love. Shall I tell you an old fashion recipe that I have? There is only one way to relieve the pain you are suffering and that is to fall in love with another. Fran: Oh I believe it. I’m in a divorce adjustment clinic. Martin: Go right into another relationship. Fran: That is interesting Martin. Martin: But the second thing is this… when do met someone and you get a little flash that hey this could be good… don’t compare them. Oh he’s taller than John or he’s shorter then John. Oh John use to do this and this.  Don’t ever compare people. Ed: Everybody is an individual Martin: Everybody is an individual, and you know in your heart of hearts that someone with as much love in you as you clearly have, you’re going to find somebody. Fran: Oh I hope so. Martin:  But don’t hunt for him… don’t hunt. Fran: No I’m burned. I’m not touchable right now. But I figure within a year. I’ll be able to meet somebody and be ready for it. Ed: Yeah, it’s like going through a mourning period. You have to go through that after you have had that loss then you will be able to restore yourself. Fran: But I will always love my husband. I will always love him. Martin: Super. Fran: Even though the world tells me I’m crazy, I can’t help it. Martin: Of course not… nobody understands these crazy love affairs. That’s the way it goes. Ed: The unfortunate thing about being a gay person is often the female is vulnerable to that relationship. Fran: I don’t think this man would never have married if he hadn’t been counseled by the church to do so. Ed: Well then, this again is a mistake isn’t it? Fran: Yes… Oh yes…. that is one of the things I like about Carol Lynn Pearson’s coming public with this… that maybe it will prevent and raise consciousness about it. Martin: Caller I need to put you on hold and my producer would like to have a word with you.

•    “When I Think of You” by Janet Jackson is number one song on national charts.

12 October 1986 Sunday

I slept in for most of the morning only getting up to read the Sunday Tribune. My stomach is still nauseous. Billy called me to see how I was. I would like to see him but why?     Jon Butler and Mike Pipkin came over in the afternoon to watch some television. I needed to get out of the house so I walked down 6th East to the Metropolitan Community Church. It felt good to sing some Gospel songs and to worship the Savior in my own personal way.     Back at the apartment, I watched TV with Jon and Mike who were still here and we especially enjoyed “I Claudius” the PBS series on the murderous escapades of the first Roman Emperors. I didn’t go to Affirmation tonight because Russ Lane is in Chicago for the National Affirmation Conference and I am still not feeling up to hiking up the hill to 13th East.  I heard Affirmation was a flop anyway. “I am slowly dying; everything is fine.”

Additional Material-

Richard Cochran director of AIDS Project Utah addressed Wasatch Affirmation. He was diagnosed with AIDS in the fall of 1985 and became the first person with AIDS nationally to head an AIDS organization.

13 October 1986 Monday

It was a boring, boring, boring day at work and I was still feeling nauseous. Because it is Columbus Day, and the banks are closed, it was a slow day at work with many people just taking the day off.     In the evening I managed to make it up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union because Brook Hallock, the Lesbian I met at the Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians support group gave Mike Pipkin and I a ride to campus. It was fun being out and about and in fact I feel much better now for having been out enjoying myself infused with queer energy.     Jim Hunsaker, the President of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union moderated the group tonight and had us discussing Gay Personal Ads. He had each of us think about what we are looking for in a relationship and how we would describe ourselves in a minimum of words. Jim then had us each write down a personal ad and I wrote, “Relationship oriented  WM Must be Caring, sensitive, intellectual. Hunters, leather, and butch need not apply. Am creative and enjoy being with same. No drag please.”     I really liked Jim Hunsaker’s activity for tonight and I like a good intellectual group activity as much as sex! It’s true! This kid named Tom gave Mike and I a ride home but I am not sure what his last name is. In the Gay world we have no last names.     Kim Garver called me this evening from Washington DC to thank me for my hospitality and for the fun time he had here in Salt Lake.  Kim had attended the Chicago Affirmation Conference and said that Russ Lane made a fool of himself there by running so aggressively for vice-president of Affirmation nationally. Poor Russ. When you run through them all,  will you ever appreciate what you had in me? I am tired and need to go to bed. I wrote a poem today I called October.

14 October 1986 Tuesday

There’s so little to write about. I am tired and lethargic. In the evening I went grocery shopping and then watched some television while visiting with Alma Smith on the phone. Russ Lane also called me to tell me how fantastic his trip to Chicago was.     I am feeling a little bitter today over the loss of innocence I once had in the LDS Church. Ultimately I know that I am responsible for all the years wasted, not the church. I really no longer consider myself LDS or Mormon. I’ve excommunicated the church from having power over me and “consign them to the buffeting of Satan”. Or whatever.  That’s what they would have pronounced on me if I would have let them. I really am just feeling, “leave me alone and I will leave you alone’, but as long as they keep saying hateful things about Gay people I don’t think it will be possible.     I got rid of the last of my “priesthood garments” yesterday by throwing them in the trash. I haven’t worn garments since last Summer and really don’t believe in what the LDS Church says they represent. Just another form of control over my body I refuse to allow them to have. However I did enjoy the sexy feel that the Bamberg one piece garments had, especially the open crotch.  At lunch today I met with this suit and tie man named Mark at Burger King o the corner of 6th east and 4th South. He said he was interested in more information about the married and divorced support group I had started. I could also tell that he was also interested in me but there was something about him that refused to spark it for me. I realized why he wanted to know more about MADGAL after he told me of groups of very professional and well connected secreted Gay married men who met for sex parties. Because of their positions in the community and Mormon church they have to be very discreet and have asked Mark to inquire about my group. He said that none of these men wanted or could afford to attend MADGAL so what Mark was suggesting was that if any men attending the support group fit the profile of being a professional or church connected individual, I should refer them to him to see if they would be acceptable to his cabal of married Gay men. I was kind of disgusted and flabbergasted by his request. I felt like I was being asked to pimp.  I told him that I wouldn’t do that because MADGAL was a support group to discuss issues of being Gay and Married or divorced, not a sex club. Mark appeared to be a nice man but I was not at all comfortable with his request which suggested that all there was to being Gay was romping around in secret sex parties. He asked if I wanted to attend one of his groups and I said I wouldn’t be interested in going back into the closet.     Later when I was visiting with Jon Butler, I told him about the conversation I had with this man and he said I should have joined his group to see what it was like. Perhaps I should have but at the time when he was asking me it seemed morally repugnant. I am tired of living lies. I told Jon that I am chucking and getting rid of so much baggage and wreckage from my past that it kind of scares me like I am free-floating. This year has been something else. I am amazed that I’ve found the time to write a word of it. I've got to get Billy Bikowski out of my life too but I can’t take him to the dumpster.

15 October 1986 Wednesday

I called Billy Bikowski today while at work to see if he wanted to go see Romanovsky and Phillips in concert with me as part of a fundraiser for AIDS Awareness Week. Well he hemmed and hawed around and said that he didn't know if he would feel right about going on Sunday. I finally said to him, "Gee Bill I didn't mean to create a crisis in your faith. But maybe we can fast about it for three days or maybe go talk to your Bishop about it. Do you think calling the home teachers would do any good? Have them come over and give you' blessing and I'll put your name in the temple so you will make the right decision." I could tell that I had wounded Billy more deeply then I intended but I made amends by saying "No. Really. If you need more time to think about it let me know by Friday" After I hung up I thought "Am I crazy?" I am letting him manipulate me again by making me feel sorry for him?” So I called Billy right back and said, "Just forget it. I'm not going to sit around for three days waiting for you to make up your mind. Forget it. I'll get someone else to go with me". Work was boring. It’s my mantra lately. It was slower than usual and then with Tony Scarborough’s orders not coming to me anymore it cuts down my work load by a fourth.  Anyway I did get paid today and cleared $548. After work I was going to stay home and write out checks for bills to pay but was feeling rather edgy so I decided to go to the Wednesday Salt lake Affirmation.  There was a pretty good turnout, about thirteen which is a lot for John Copper’s group. Those I knew were John Cooper, Craig Hunter, Mike Pipkin, Brook Hallock, and Mark the man I met yesterday for lunch. Anyway we are still talking about how to come out to parents. Mike Pipkin was loaded again and was so God dam metaphysical and all philosophical; spewing all the wisdom he has accumulated in his 24 years. Actually it was kind of funny to me since he was high but I manage to keep him in line so he wouldn’t go ragging on people or as he would say, “reading their beads”. However when he started ragging on Russ Lane I told him to stop being such a bitch and he was good for a while until he slipped again and started in on Russ again. I then said, “Girl retract your claws.” Then again I thought I was really going to lose it when he started in on revealing the Temple Rite penalties and tokens. Geez Louise! Anyhow this new really cute  kid named Boyd Paul, was actually wanting to know how to deal with coming out to his parents so I tried to keep the topic focused on that. Mike Pipkin, Brook Hallock, and I more or less facilitated the meeting tonight because John Cooper and Paul were so timid and boring. It was a pretty good Affirmation because it got rowdy and people actually participated in the discussion rather than sitting passively. It was really fun. After Affirmation, here comes the good part, Boyd Paul comes up to me and asks if I had a copy of all the different Gay groups in the community. I said “if you like to come back to my apartment I can get you that list”. He said “sure” and by his eagerness I was kind of flattered. Boyd is about six foot three inches tall, slender build, 23 years old and a BYU student. At my place I offered him a bowl of soup that I had been cooking, and he ate two bowls full. Later he confessed that he mainly just ate more so that he could stay longer. I put some music on, then I went and sat next to him on the sofa. He was hoping I would be forward.  I was hoping that he would be. Finally I reached over and kissed him. He was so sweet and responsive. We made out on the couch for about an half hour when then I suggested that we lie down on the bed. I simply had in mind to be more comfortable but he fervently begins stripping off his clothes. Never one to be a bad host I did likewise. We made love all night long wrapped in each other’s arms, and he came three times with him simply rubbing up against me and between my thighs. It was safe sex all the way without any penetration but I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful it felt being with someone who actually was turned on by me. He was so keen on my beard, my hairy chest, and my kisses. I didn’t have to change anything about me to please him. He wanted me because he found me attractive! I was so thankful to my Heavenly Father.  After being rejected by Russ and Billy Bikowski, and making me feel undesirable at last I met someone who the amazing qualities that are in me.  Boyd was so funny when I told him I was born in Texas; he said he loves Texas and Texans! Lying in bed in a lovers embrace, we talked about ourselves. He said that he’s a returned missionary from Columbia, but has left the church behind and doesn’t wear his garments anymore. Most importantly he not a Republican or likes to hunt! I think I love this guy.

Additional Material

Boyd Samuel Paul was born in Salt Lake City, Utah, on October 29, 1963. After graduating from Murray High School, he served an LDS mission to Cali, Colombia. Boyd graduated from Brigham Young University and served in the Air Force Reserve. He was an Eagle Scout and a member of Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons. At the time of his death he was working as a lobbyist in Washington, DC. Boyd committed suicide in Washington, DC, on February 9, 1989 by jumping off an overpass onto a Washington Expressway. He was 25 years old. Boyd was survived by his parents, brothers, sisters, nephews, and some special friends in Washington, DC. He is buried at the Murray City Cemetery in Utah plot 140944.

16 October 1986 Friday

I spent a wonderful night wrapped in Boyd Paul’s arms. We didn’t get up until eight-thirty this morning because we just didn’t want to get out of bed. We took a shower together and Boyd is so sweet. Well, we’ve have now seen each other in the morning and isn’t that a major test of any relationship?     I went into work dragging my ass and that asshole Tony Scarborough corners me in the hall and hits me up for a buck for a gift he bought Bob Elcock for Boss Appreciation Day. I told him I didn’t have a dollar on me and he said for me to sign it and I’d owe him a dollar. I told him I wasn’t going to sign it or give him a dollar. Well that really pissed him of and later he comes into my cubicle and says to me, “You really ought to improve your attitude!” I was so pissed that I marched into Bob’s office and demanded, “Do you have a problem with my attitude?” Bob was surprised and said, “no” so I then asked who does Tony think he is to tell me I need to improve my attitude?”  Bob taken aback asks, “Is there a problem between the two of you?” and I said, “No, I just don’t talk to him.” Then Bob has the nerve to say “well you don’t talk to me either”. I retorted “I don’t talk to anyone around here because when I do I get in trouble!”   Bob then tries to calm me down and more or less stated again that he has no problem with my attitude so I march into Tony’s office and bellow, “Who the hell are you to say I need to improve my attitude? And I don’t appreciate being button holed in front of others and hit up for money for a gift you bought yourself with any of our input. That’s not how it’s done here. Ask us if we want to contribute for a gift. Don’t demand money for a gift you bought to get the credit. I know what a brown noser you are” I was fuming at him. Not only that I told him I’m going to talk to Ed Rogers about his attitude which I did. Ed is pissed off at Tony anyway and had told Tony before that he was satisfied with my job performance and to leave me alone. Mr. Rogers also said that Tony wasn’t a good office manager in Provo and he has had run ins with others at Utah Title besides me. Ed also told me to tell Shauna Mayeda what Tony is doing by having Bill Shelton doing all his general index searches and by passing me. So I got back at the son of a bitch.     In the evening I mainly cleaned my filthy house and threw out more church stuff. I am trying to straighten up the place before my date tomorrow with Boyd Paul. I also went through a lot of papers from my marriage and from my wild ride with the LDS Church. I tore up my baptism certificate from 1972, my Patriarchal Blessing from 1973, my priesthood lineage, and my Temple Sealing Certificate. I even threw out my Book of Remembrance, my temple garments, my temple clothes, even my green fig apron that I loved. I am doing a thorough inventory of my fife and I realized that I am really not LDS anymore and I just cannot find my spiritual path following the teachings of Joseph Smith and his adherents. It’s not only stagnant for me it’s a dead end. If I am to progress I need to find another path that is not so restrictive to my Gay Spirit. When I threw everything away I knew that I was symbolically excommunicating the LDS Church from my life and it felt liberating.

17 October 1986 Friday

Tonight was another failed anticipation of love. It was slow at work but okay because I didn’t fight with anyone. I kept thinking of my date and how much fun it was going to be. I dressed casually while Jon Butler was over visiting. Billy Bikowski called me about 6:45 to inquire about me but I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was expecting my date with Boyd Paul at any minute. In fact Boyd came to the door while I was on the phone so I was the one who got to cut Billy off for a change and hang up first. Yay! I introduced Boyd to Jon before he took off.  Boyd brought me a bottle of wine and I said that we could drink it when we returned home after our date. It was a wild and windy evening because of a storm front that was rolling through the valley but it wasn’t that cold just kind of an autumn chill and it felt pleasant to be out in it. We went to La Frontera for dinner and I ordered tamales with rice and beans while Boyd had a chicken enchilada. We encountered Jim Pincock at La Frontera also who was sitting with some friends that appeared straight. It was good to see him again. We then went to Backstreet where the Gay Rodeo Association was having a benefit but it was the same old drag queen show. It was rather tiresome really, but we were sitting with Jim Hunsaker and he said he would sponsor us into The Sun after the show. So off to the Sun we went around ten thirty and the crowd there was small until after eleven. So we had the dance floor basically to ourselves and we danced a while. There were not a lot of people at the club that I knew. I was half expecting to see Billy Bikowski and Scott Wallendorf but I didn’t. I was really enjoying my date with Boyd. When I spotted Brad Townsend, his Spanish Fork friend Steve Brackenbury, and Paul from BYU, I introduced them to Boyd.  Big mistake.  Paul was also with someone else form BYU and Boyd said that he wanted to visited and be with them. However the way he said it to me, it sounded as if he was saying he wasn’t really ready to make a commit to a relationship with me. That came right out of left field because we hadn’t even discussed anything like that but it was a splash of cold water reality in my face. I told him “I understand. Go talk to your friends from BYU. It’s okay.” But it wasn’t. He left me sitting alone for an hour while he was carried on with Paul and this other cute kid. As the time ticked on I did a slow burn, and then went out onto  the crowded dance floor by myself to dance out my hurt and frustration. Finally at midnight I found Boyd and asked him to take me home and I was cool and aloof to him all the way home. He wanted to walk me to my door and I suppose fool around but I only had him come in and then said, “For future reference Boyd, the next time you go out on a date, try spending some time with you date.” He looked puzzled, so I said “I know you just wanted some feedback from other Gay BYU students, but you didn’t have to spend so much time with them leaving me by myself.”  I told him that he would have seen them again if he kept  going to community events but leaving me so long made me feel like a fool. I told him I was hurt by his insensitivity, that I did not have a good time, and mostly the evening was a drag. I then asked him to leave. Shit I am going to become celibate or at least date no one under thirty! No one.

Additional Material

Billboard Top ten 1)True Colors, 2) Typical Male, 3) I didn’t Mean to Turn You On, 4) Heart Beat, 5) Amanda, 6) Throwing It All Away, 7) All Cried Out, 8) Human, 9) Sweet Love, 10) Two of Hearts,

18 October 1986 Saturday

I felt rather lethargic and slightly depressed all day over Boyd Paul. I didn’t think he could affect me so much but he has. I talked to Jon Butler this morning and told him what happened on my date. He said I had a right to feel upset.  For example if a straight guy asked a girl out on a date and then left her for an hour to talk to some other girls that would be pretty crummy. Basically that is what Boyd did to me. He did apologize but still. I should be angrier but right now I am just feeling rather sad and missing him. Strange. I know.     I bought two tickets for the Romanovsky and Phillips concert for next Sunday as part of AIDS Awareness week.  I saw Russ Lane two times today while he was down during his laundry. Big deal.     In the evening Craig Hunter came over to visit with me because he was lonesome. He’s so cute and I could have gone to bed with him but I am too upset. I’m not getting involved again with anybody.     Darrell Hunt from Idaho mailed me a package with potato shaped salt and pepper shakers. He called me also and I now know that he’s got a crush on me! It stormed this morning and again later this evening.

Additional Material

"Typical Male" by Tina Turner is number one on national charts.

19 October 1986 Sunday

I went to bed early last night and slept in today until almost nine o’clock. I did the dishes and straightened up the place. I was not expecting much to happen today but it did.     In the mid afternoon I went over to Beauchaine’s to see Mike Pipkin who is staying with him. Mike wanted to get out of the house so he came back to the Juel apartments with me where then he and I sat and drank vodka, malt coolers, and champagne  so we would be drunk for Affirmation. Jon Butler came down after a while and joined us in our bacchanalia. We were just being silly when Mike Anderson came by to take Mike Pipkin to Affirmation while I rode with Jon who also gave Mark Crux a ride.     I was plastered at Affirmation and wore my Halloween plastic pumpkin prongers on my head.  It got a laugh. It was a big crowd at Affirmation, with several people from the Restoration Church attending. Lynn LeMasters who has moved to Salt Lake City is looking for work. She said Pam Calkins will be moving up later this week. I sat with Eddie Muldong to hear some gossip and he made an off handed comment about Mike Howard so he and Eddie must have had a falling out.     I saw Boyd Paul and when I did my heart went out my asshole as Sherrie Hartnek use to say. I went up to him and told him that I still wanted to be his friend and that I probably over reacted some last Friday. Well I said what I had to say and now the ball is in his court.     During the introductions when people tell who they are, I might have been really drunk because I stood up and said that Affirmation is only here because of the service and dedication of Russ Lane. He later came up to me and gave me a hug but I said, “Don’t touch me unless you mean it.”  It was great to be looped.     When we broke up into smaller discussion groups I went to the one with Boyd in it so I could stare at him and be flamboyant. Boyd I have a crush on you!     After Affirmation, Billy came in late and came up to me. I said, "As I live and breathe!  If it isn't Bill Bikowski."  I shook his hand and then I flitted down the stairs so I didn't see Billy again but then Mike Pipkin, the sot, said that he saw Billy and told him off for using me. That made me mad because Mike had no right to read Billy's beads. I was also pissed that Mike Anderson wouldn't take me home when I wanted to go, so I walked home. Piss on Affirmation. Why do I keep coming back? At home I called Billy Bikowski up and said “Mike Pipkin had no right to talk to you the way he did.” Then I lit into Billy. I told him that we should just go our separate ways. I said that I still love you but Goodbye. I want to scream my love away and quit wearing my heart out in the open where anyone can abuse it. It lightened and rained some today.

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Gala Benefit Concert Kicks Off AIDS Awareness Week Events That’s What Friends Are For, a gala benefit featuring music, comedy and mime will kick off AIDS Awareness Week with an evening of entertainment Friday 8 p.m. in Symphony Hall. Among performers at the benefit will be nationally known comedienne Roseanne Barr, (who grew up in Salt Lake City and attended East High School), The Saliva Sisters, and mime artist Joe Pitti. Emcee for the event will be Todd Collard from KISN Radio. Tickets are $10, 12.50, and $15.00  Events for AIDS Awareness Week, sponsored by AIDS Project Utah, will continue on Saturday with a presentation of the film “AS IS” The film version of the play was produced by Showtime for cable television  and received 1985 Drama Desk Award for  Outstanding Achievement. Colleen Dewhurts and Robert Carradine star in the story of a homosexual stricken with AIDS whose former lover returns to care for him. The film will be shown at 8 P.M. at Bryant Intermediate School 40 South 800 east. Admission is $7. Sunday the entertainment will continue with a performance by Romanovsky and Phillips at the Bryant School. The campy duo has garnered a national following by singing about their lives as gay men. The concert will begin at 8 p.m. Admission is $7.  AIDS Awareness Week will continue through October 31 with daily morning and evening seminars on legal, emotional, and health care concerns surrounding Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. For further information on these and other events contact AIDS Project Utah. (Salt Lake Tribune E12)

That’s What Friends are For benefit for AIDS Project Utah. Roseanne Barr, comedienne, Saliva Sisters, nostalgic music, Johnny Crawford, thirty’s music. Symphony Hall 8 p.m.  (Salt Lake Tribune E14)

20 October 1986 Monday

I wrote some poems today and one I called, “My Mormon wife” actually made me cry.     I went with Mike Pipkin to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union in the evening. Brook Hallock and her lover Nancy Perez gave us a ride up there. At the meeting Jim Hunsaker let a discussion on “who are our Gay Role Models?” My list included Bruce Barton, Jim Hunsaker, John Cooper, Scott Mills, Pam Calkins, Duane Dawson, Auntie De, Gerald Pearson, Meg Christensen, and Romanovsky and Phillips. Most of the people on my list were mostly Salt lake community leaders who are willing to put something back into the community. I feel strange like change is in the air again. What to do? I am alone and it’s scary after all these years. It’s over between Billy Bikowski and me. It's over between Russ Lane and me, and I suppose between sweet Boyd Paul and me.

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A LIE by Ben Williams You needed my warmth But not my fire; You needed my love Without my desire; I needed to soar But you said no higher; I wanted the truth But needed a liar

21 October 1986 Tuesday

It was a slow day at work and kind of a wet drizzly day. I wrote two poems today was called Gay Bar Blues and the other Friends.  My poems are more like lyrics that will never be set to music.     After work I had planned on a quiet night at home but I was edgy and getting more and more depressed,  and raiding the kitchen. So I decided to go for a walk. Jon Butler was at the Salt Lake Men’s Choir practice so I walked over to Bryant Intermediate to meet with him after rehearsals.  He could sense I didn’t want to be alone so he invited me along with other guys from the choir out for coffee at Dee’s on 4th South. Jim Pincock sat with us, but this incredibly handsome guy named Rand Barker really lit my fire. Found out that he’s in a relationship with Adrian Ruiz so nothing can come of it but the flirtation was titillating.     One of the members of the choir brought his sixth grade son along and he went on and on about his girlfriend and how she’s always calling him. I asked him “does she titter when she calls?” and he responded, “No she’s flat”. Jon Butler just about busted a gut laughing but it went over my head at first!     After arriving home at ten-thirty, Jon and I talked about the direction of our lives are going until about eleven thirty. When I was just about ready to turn in and go to bed, Darrell Hunt of all people dropped by needing to talk so we visited until two in the morning when I told him really needed to get some rest.     Darrell has a major crush on me and I hope I am not leading him on by being friendly to him. I’ve never given him the slightest impression that I am interested in a relationship with him other than friends. He’s a sweet man but not my type. His court appearance was today and he really needed someone to talk to about the trauma.

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FRIENDS by Ben Williams Do you really think I shall ever forget you? Or that warm night we made love under  cool covers. I held you firm to my heart all through the night As the stars faded and the moon lost all her light. Do you really think I could ever forget you? The TV played on until the Late Show was over. You fed my desire. I fed your empty hunger...As we lay silent softly breathing. I longed for Your touch as you played by my side close to me in bed...Reaching out, holding you. I was then your lover. The sweet smell of musk from your sensuous smooth skin Sent my senses soaring. Words better left unsaid Now fills  my empty head. How Will I ever stop loving you? Now that you’re gone; Please remember me now and then And smile, knowing I shall be your true friend.

 John R. Crane receives a revelation, now HT&P 44, which reassures him amid personal doubts, explains that greater light attracts equal darkness, calls the Saints to meet that opposition with unity, love, and faith, warns that every righteous work stirs evil resistance, and charges Crane to wield just reproof tempered by deep compassion while hearkening solely to Christ until His return. 

22 October 1986 Wednesday

Darrell Hunt asked me out for lunch today so we went to China Village on Main Street. Lunch was good and while we visited I let him do most of the talking to release his feelings about his being convicted yesterday on lewdness charges, losing his teaching job, and the alienation of his Mormon family.  With all that on his plate he seems to be in good spirits. He said he was suicidal when he first was arrested.    After work, I went to the Crossroad Urban Center to prepare for the Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians meeting.  We had to meet upstairs instead of the parlor because of a board of directors meeting the center was having. We had fourteen people show up for this our third meeting! However Beauchaine came to the meeting and tried to run the show. Finally as conciliatory as I could be, I told him “Beau this is my night to facilitate the group. If you want to lead the meeting next time I will be happy to turn the time over to you then.”  Beauchaine is not really interested in our married group but just promoting his own Cabaret organization.     Today is my niece Denise Elizabeth Wachs 15th Birthday. She’s growing up so fast. I thought about her a lot today.

Additional Material

U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop advised that sex  education that includes information on both Gay and straight relationships would help prevent the spread of AIDS

 Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 43, which—amid an AIDS‑related pastoral crisis—commands the Church to (1) govern strictly by the Law of Common Consent; (2) convene regular quarterly priesthood conferences; (3) complete its priesthood foundations by organizing the First Presidency, local presidencies, and sustaining a Presiding Bishop; (4) safeguard temporal affairs through appointed counselors; and (5) send “standing ministers” into their communities to succor society’s “lost sheep,” thereby marrying compassionate outreach with fully ordered priesthood governance. 

23 October 1986  Thursday

Darrell Hunt took me out to lunch again and this time we went to the Slouvaki Greek Restaurant on 3rd west and 6th North. I told Darrell that I feel kind of funny about his taking me out to lunch so much but he pooh-poohed that and said that he’ on vacation and was enjoying my company. I then was very honest with him about my feelings that we could only be friends and he said he was fine with that.    In the evening we went to another little Chinese place, the Ding Ho on  Broadway between Main and State.  It was good too but not as good as China Village. Darrell says he needs someone to talk to and he enjoys my company. He’s thinks of himself on Vacation from Idaho. I told him that I enjoy being with him too but that I didn’t have the funds to reciprocate eating out.  Darrell is a sweet man and knows that I am not taking advantage of him but still it’s a fine line to walk, trying to just be friends with someone who is really infatuated with you. I wouldn’t want to hurt Darrell’s feelings for the world.     After dinner we went to the Deerhunter where I bought myself a drink. Darrell is not yet drinking alcohol. It was interesting sitting at the bar visiting. It’s something I usually never do. Go out to just have a drink, I mean. It’s a nice break from the routine. Darrell tells the worse yokel jokes. They are so dumb that they’re funny but in a real rural kind of way.  They are the kind of the jokes you tell when you are in 5th Grade. Darrell bought me some drink coasters for my place in the shape of giant buffalo nickels and pennies. They are cute but he thought they were hilarious!     After coming home from the Deerhunter, Mike Pipkin dropped over for a while and I was glad for his company because Darrell, to tell the truth, was getting a little too cornball-ish for me. Mike said he burned his arm at his work rather severely but otherwise he seemed in good spirits.

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Surgeon General C. Everett Koop urged parents and educators Wednesday to teach teenagers how to prevent AIDS and warned against, “free wheeling casual sex,” that spreads the virus causing the disease. “A condom should be used during sexual relations from start to finish with anyone whom you know or suspect is infected, “ he said at a news conference to announce the publication of a booklet containing his report about AIDS. As of October 20, the Center of Disease Control recorded 26,500 cases of AIDS in United States. “I would say there are going to be some very interesting conversations in the bedroom,” adding “we’re talking about death here.” (Salt Lake Tribune A1)

Vowing to prosecute an “explosion of obscenity with a vengeance,” Attorney General Edwin Meese III unveiled Wednesday a seven point anti-pornography program that includes the creation of a federal strike force and center of obscenity prosecution. (Salt Lake Tribune A1)

24 October 1986 Friday

Darrell Hunt wanted to take me to lunch one more time before leaving to return to Idaho Falls. We went to the Red Iguana and it’s the first time I have ever been there. It’s good but not as good as La Paloma’s.     I later told Jon Butler that it was getting to be pretty nice being taken care of by Darrell. I can see why young ones look for sugar daddies.  I told Jon that I was worried that I was taking advantage of Darrell’s feelings for me but Darrell did say to me that he knew that I do a lot for Gay people in Utah, and I have fixed a lot of dinners  for lots of people and have taken people out to dinner whenever I could. He said it was now my turn to be taken out to dinner.  That really made me feel better because I do believe in karma and that what goes around eventually comes around. When I think how Russ Lane and Billy Bikowski used me incessantly for their own comfort, its only right that some of that comes back to me.  I know that Darrell will be blessed in some way also. Cast your bread upon the waters.     After work I came home to type up some of my poems when Alma Smith called to visit. He said he’s without transportation like me right now, so it’s been hard for him to get about and about.     Later about nine thirty, I was bored sitting home so I decided to go out. I rode my bike down to Backstreet where I encountered Guy Larson from Affirmation and Ken Francis from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I also saw Scott Wallendorf at Backstreet and he was quite stand offish to me so I went up to him and said, "Just because Billy's an asshole there's no reason why we can't be friends." I stayed and danced with Guy and Ken until one in the morning then rode my bike on home. It wasn’t too cold out about fifty degrees.

Additional Material:

AIDS Project Utah sponsored another AIDS Awareness Week with Comic Roseanne Barr, the “Domestic Goddess” performing for an AIDS Project Utah benefit at the Symphony Hall. Singer Davyd Daniels was the co-producer and was the opening act. Other entertainers included Johnny Crawford of the Rifleman, the Saliva Sisters, Mime Joe Pitti, Rusty Richards.  Event hosted by actress, June Lockhart. Emcee was Todd Collard from KISN 97FM radio. Val Smithson participated in recording music for some of the performers and assisted as sound technician. That’s What Friends Are For… A Gala Benefit Event at Symphony Hall. Tickets were $15.00 Over 900 people attended. Roseanne Barr was sister of Ben Barr a member of the Gala planning committee.  Rick Cochran was given an award by show’s producer Catrine McGregor Cash.  He created a faux pas when he expressed his gratitude for this “the first AIDS Awareness Week” although the Royal Court had twice already sponsored activities.  Many from the court were offended causing a rift between APU and The Royal Court.

Utah’s Domestic Goddess (Roseanne Barr) Comedienne Comes Home for AIDS Awareness Show Comedienne Roseanne Barr, America’s own 33 year old “Domestic Goddess”, said any woman can become one. A prospective Goddess needs two things. “Define herself as one and stop listening to what others say. Changing from housewife to Domestic Goddess is a spiritual awakening.” Ms. Barr is in Salt Lake City, a place she likes since she no longer has to live here, appear at a benefit to kick off AIDS Awareness week in Utah. The show “That’s What Friends Are For”, sponsored by AIDS Project Utah, will also feature The Salvia Sisters, mime artist Joe Pitti, and guitarist Johnny Crawford.  It’s Friday at 7:30 at Symphony Hall. She grew up in Salt Lake City and attended Emerson Elementary, Roosevelt Junior High and a year at East High. “I’m doing the show for my brother Ben Barr, assistant director of AIDS Project Utah and an emotional support peer counselor. I also think it’s important to d something about this horrible disease. Along with doing the concert, she will be visiting her parents, Helen and Jerry Barr who reside here. “I think it would be great to film me at some of my old haunts-Sugarhouse Park, Liberty Park, Memory Grove, and my favorite place Bill and Nada’s Café, “ she laughed. “Actually I’d like to take the cameras inside and film after midnight to get the real feel of the place. Bill and Nada’s has good food and generous helpings,” she mused. “That’s a thing about Salt Lake City. There is good food and big helpings anyplace. It’s kind of a conspiracy to make women fat. I like that. Utah likes fat women. There’s an ice cream place on every corner and those big Dunford chocolate doughnuts with chocolate frosting. There’s not another doughnut like it on earth. When asked her least favorite memories of Salt Lake City, she said in jest, a sanctimonious attitude, in fact you have to drop dead and bed to get a drink and Salt Lakers are not nice to smokers. (Salt Lake TribuneC-1)

Concert Tonight Begins AIDS Awareness Week Rick Cochran was educated about AIDS the hard way. In August 1985,  a friend was diagnosed as having a degenerative brain disease associated with AIDS. “It was like dealing with someone with Alzheimer Disease,” he said. “We all had a very quick lesson in AIDS and learned a lot about it through caring for our friend.”  It was this experience that later prepared Cochran for his own diagnosis. “I went to my doctor and he said, ‘Let’s go to the hospital.” At that point you can go into denial or you can deal with it. I dealt with it. I’m a fighter. When you’re told you have a terminal disease, it makes you appreciate life, take things one day at a time.” Cochran’s fighting spirit lead to his involvement with AIDS Project Utah, an organization committed to providing support for AIDS victims and people close to AIDS victims, as well to educate the general public about the disease. Cochran is now director of the program. “My way f dealing with the disease is by helping other people,” he said. “ We to educate. I can’t stress that enough. We have to fight the fear with facts and we need to get the facts out. In the rest  of the country everyone things are perfect in Utah, but we have the same problems as the rest of the country. People need to admit that.”  As part of national AIDS Awareness Week, October 24 through 31, AIDS Project Utah will sponsor a  series of activities to entertain, raise funds, and most important, to increase awareness about the disease.  The activities will begin Friday at 7:30 with a gala benefit at Symphony Hall 123 West South Temple, featuring numerous entertainers including local mime artist Joe Pitti, nationally known comedienne Roseanne Barr, (formerly of salt Lake city) and nostalgic sounds of the Saliva Sisters.  Saturday, a film of the play “As Is” staring Colleen Dewhurst and Robert Carradine will be shown at eight p.m. at Bryant Intermediate School 40 South 800 East. The film is the story of a homosexual stricken by AIDS whose former lover returns to care for him. Admission $ 7.  On Sunday, singer/songwriters Romanovsky and Phillips will perform in concert at the Bryant School. In the words of Cochran, “They have a great sense of humor and are very talented musically. They also happened to be gay and their music happens to be basically about gay lifestyle. Admission for the eight p.m. performance is $7. Monday through Friday medical seminars will be held, beginning at eight a.m. at the Veterans Administration Hospital for members of the medical community. The seminars will focus on a variety of health topics related to AIDS and will be conducted by nine experts in AIDS treatment, research, and legal issues.  Nightly lectures on the same subjects are for the general public and will be offered Monday through Thursday at seven p.m. in the Holy Cross Hospital Moreau Center.  AIDS Awareness week was originally to be commemorated by a one night fundraiser for AIDS Project Utah but interest in organizing numerous other events was so high that the project grew to its current size.  While the response has been positive, Cochran said funding for the events has been uncertain. He added that a major reason local business have been reluctant to contribute to the project is ignorance about the disease and its social implications. “There is still a stigma surrounding AIDS: To be associated with an AIDS project in Utah carried the stigma of being gay. This is not a gay organization. It is a social service organization to help people who are concerned with someone who has AIDS,” he said. It is sort of a Catch 22. We’re trying to dispel the fear and educate people about AIDS because most people still think that it’s the “gay disease.” It is a major health issue that will affect everyone at some point. ( Salt Lake Tribune M-8)

Rock group Berlin performed at the Salt Palace Assembly Hall Reviews said that the Assembly hall was a miserable place for any performance and the concert was only half sold out.

“Ken” Eugene Francis born 30 Apr 1962 in Michigan. He died 10 Nov 1993 Oakland, CA age 31 of AIDS.  Ken Francis was nick-named “Sugar-Tush” which is what most everyone who knew him called him. Ken was a “trick” name that he was using when he met some guys in Liberty Park who invited him to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and Affirmation. They introduced him as “Ken” so the name stuck. He was a returned LDS missionary who had a fun and endearing personality.

MY DATE by  Ben Williams My date is tonight I got to get ready. Got to shave my face and why must I have a zit in such an obvious place? What should I wear that won’t clash with what we are having for dinner? The Beef Stroganoff is ready .Almost. It needs sour cream. Whisky Sours for later. I hope he likes Old Crow and not Jim Bean The front room is clean. The table is set now to make the bed. I don’t know why because we’ll be back there after he’s fed. But only if I’m lucky He’s so cute. I really could just die. I can’t believe he said yes to dinner. I hardly know the guy. He’ll be here any minute. The white zinfandel is nicely chilled. What if he’s just being nice? After dinner he’s suddenly ill! Or has to be off to visit a friend who’s dying of AIDS Quit tormenting yourself. He said he’d come over. You’ve got it made in the shade.  He’s here and I’m not ready. It’s got to be him ringing bells at the door. Look in the mirror one time more. Still beautiful. Same as before. “Hi, come on in and sit down. Go ahead and your jacket take off. Dinner’s almost ready. Have some wine. Hope you like Beef Stroganoff. (Actually I hope he likes stroking off) Sitting down next beside him, he smiles and looks into my eyes. Boldly I smile back, my leg touches his. I place a hand on his thigh then he leans into me closely And we begin to softly sweetly kiss. I fondle his dark blond hair gently and he my face gently caresses. Soon passions are ignited. All our love to each other we gave And dinner  we ate in bed later. Thank God for my Microwave

25 October 1986 Saturday

It was a beautiful day out so I heard people say. As for me I didn’t venture out until the sun had almost gone down. I sat around for most of the day typing and composing poetry. I wrote a poem called “Faith” about my first coming to Utah in 1973 so long ago. Another one I called this time which I guess I wrote about Boyd Paul.     In the evening I went out with cute Craig Hunter who wanted to go to the March of Dime’s Haunted House but he didn’t want to go alone. It was a lot of fun and Craig is such a little kid at heart. He’s so sweet but emotionally he’s more like a 15 year old then a 25 year old man. He wanted to hold my hand on the bus ride back home so we sat way in the back row where no one could see us. He was acting like it was such a forbidden thrill. Just like a kid.     Anyway after dropping him off at nine at night, I decided to head down to the Deerhunter and visited with this extremely boring guy from Brigham City until ten thirty. I couldn’t take anymore of him so I rode my bike over to Backstreet where I saw a lot of familiar faces from the Restoration Church and some other I knew there. I danced with Eddy Muldong and his date Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis. I knew Sugar Tush from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and Affirmation. Eddy told me some gossip about the Restoration Church saying others are getting disenchanted with Tony Feliz the Prophet. I danced with Sugar Tush and while he may not be the brightest light bulb in the carton his smile makes up for it. He lights up a room and his laughter which is somewhere between a giggle and a nervous laugh is infectious.     I stayed at Backstreet until one in the morning then decided to ride my bike on home. This is the first time I’ve actually gone to the bars alone unescorted. I am finally feeling comfortable and knowing enough people not to feel left out of the scene.

Additional Material:

Forrest Tucker, Gay American actor died (1919-1986). Best known as Beauregard Burnside in Auntie Mame.

"True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper number one song on National Charts

FAITH by Ben Williams He left California, traveling on a bus Alone, weary, across the star lit desert sand Blinded by the gaudy glare and lights of Vegas Soon in the fumes of stale diesel and oil Safe and warm secure. Inside is a tired lonely boy Who cannot sleep. Fears and anticipation Are like grimy sweat rolling down young under arms. Up an asphalt road towards higher elevation Winding through sleepy hamlets, the stars are obscured Phantoms forming shadows, the bus slides pass still farms Into St. George, Utah. All shapes are bleary and blurred. The bus pulls out.  All on board are trying to rest A tired mother lets her sullen child just whine. Two young soldiers on leave, laugh, play cards, and jest. Overhead a bulb flickers, impossible to sleep. The boy watches as strange names on fluorescent green signs Quickly pass and jump through the inky dark in great leaps. Hurricane, Parowan, Cedar City, Fillmore Firmly clasping his childhood pillow to his breast Nephi, Payson, Spanish Fork, finally Provo Lightly the old feather pillow to which he clung For seven hundred miles slips from his pilgrim’s chest As he arrived on the campus of Brigham Young Faithfully he registers, then fears something’s wrong. A towering Saint stares and says “Your hair’s too long.”

THIS TIME by Ben Williams Funny, you know this time I really thought he’d stay. This time it was different; this time it was real. Why was it so different? He still went away. But he wanted me. I didn’t want him. No big deal. But he was cute, and the sort whose smile made him shy. (His curly hair was made to run fingers through.) Funny, this time I thought love would last and be true Funny, this time it was different. Don’t know why Perhaps because his eyes, spying mine, sparkled and shined His lips parting softly as I pressed mine to his.His arms reaching, searching, and soon we were entwined. And his face flushed, and my blood raced as we kissed. Funny, this time I felt different, something new Hearts pounding; bodies stirring; our lips moist and wet I asked him to lay with me and our bodies met In sweet excitement, passions no longer subdued As his power was spending on my loving thighs. His hot sultry breath caressed my neck and shoulder. We embraced tighter, gazing into loving eyes. Our kisses were probing, deep, each one more bolder. Engulfing me in raptures only lovers know. Like he and I, who loved with both body and soul, Had for a brief moment. It seemed to me endless then. Who knew it would not last past light of day Funny, you know this time I really thought he’d stay.

26 October 1986 Sunday

What I had planned to be a relaxing Sunday turned out to be rather exciting when a bunch of people dropped over all throughout the day. This morning I had straightened up the place and walked down to buy a Sunday paper but before I was able to settle in to read it, Brad Townsend called and wanted to know if he could come by. I said certainly. So I made up some peanut butter cookies for a snack when Mike Pipkin came over with booze and dope. He wants to come in and get high so we sit on the couch and I get glasses for his orange juice and vodka. The breakfast of champions. He also lights up a joint and passes it to me where I take a small toke and before I know it I am one toke over the line. I am such a light weight. When Mike Anderson drops in later I am stoned already so when he breaks open the booze he brought I though “Why not?” I had bought Mike Anderson and Jon Butler a ticket to theRomanovsky and Phillips Concert tonight so Mike wanted to spend the afternoon at my place.  Then when Jon Butler came down, he took a toke, so I had a full house of “Four Queens”, or is that a Royal Flush? When Brad Townsend finally came by, he was the only one not getting high. Mike Pipkin and Brad decided to join Mike, Jon and I for the concert and we walked over to Bryant Intermediate, which is only a couple of block northeast from my apartment, and I am surprised we didn’t get arrested for creating such a ruckus on the way over.     The concert started at eight and was wonderful. I just love those guys and their queer energy, however I think their concert last April may have been a bit more fun. But maybe it was because it was the first time I ever heard them and I was just coming out and anything Gay was like manna from heaven to my soul. Nevertheless tonight was a blast and it was the first time I ever went to a concert stoned.     After the concert, we were joined by Guy Larson who came back to my place. There we did something awfully wicked which we probably wouldn’t have done if we weren’t all stoned. We were all talking about Russ Lane and how he sometimes tricks with the guys who call him about Affirmation, so at the time it seemed like a good idea to call Russ up and pretend to be a novice interested in Affirmation. So Mike Anderson calls Russ, using his acting skills, pretends that he is someone else and that he wants to know more about Affirmation. I set Mike up with all that I knew about Russ’ love of Spanish guitars, hooking up with someone with a general authority connection and who also speaks Spanish. While Mike was shmoozing Russ the rest of us listened in on the other line in the bedroom after removing the mouth piece so Russ wouldn’t hear us giggling.  Geez Louise. It was worse than I thought. Russ went on and on and on promoting the virtues of Affirmation like a professional. Russ should go into public relations. He’s gets so excited about what he is promoting. No one else loves or promotes Affirmation as much as Russ does for whatever reasons. We were almost disappointed in the phone call when Russ slyly says, after Mike tells him that he’s the nephew of a General Authority, “We ought to meet in person where we could talk some more.” So Mike picks up the cue and starts flirting and Russ responds right back and from there it kind of snowballed and it actually got out of hand. I think Mike Anderson enjoyed being the imp. Russ invited the imaginary investigator over for dinner on Tuesday and that is where Mike left him hanging.     I told Brad, Guy, Jon, and Mike Pipkin and Mike Anderson that they must never let Russ or anyone else know about this prank. Russ would be really hurt and instead of this being funny it’d be cruel. I made them swear. I didn’t get to bed until after one in the morning.

Additional Material

A national Gallup Poll showed that public support for legalization of homosexual relations has declined sharply during the past year with 33 per cent in the latest survey favoring legalization and 54 per cent opposed. This is the first time a majority has opposed legalization since Gallup began assessing public opinion on the issue in 1977, reflecting growing concerns about the AIDS epidemic. Paralleling the latest findings, a Gallup Poll found majority approval of the recent Supreme Court ruling that the Constitution does not give consenting adults the right to have homosexual relations in private.  In 1977 both those who believed and those who did not in legalization of homosexual relations was 43 percent. In 1982 45 percent approved and 39 percent disapproved. In 1986 33 per cent approved and 54 percent disapproved.  Regarding the Supreme Court ruling 51 percent approved ad 41 percent disapproved. (Salt lake Tribune A-7)

27 October 1986 Monday

I wasn’t too hung over today, so it wasn’t a bad day at work except that Canyon Anderson called me into his office, where as “a friend” he grilled about my status in the LDS Church. He said that he has been hearing rumors about me being “inactive” and he wanted to know how I felt about the church. Of course I couldn’t come right out and say that I think it’s full of shit and that I have left it behind so I coyly said not to worry because people gossip all the time about everyone but I did say that it’s a false doctrine that says “if you love your neighbor you will inform on him when you suspect him going astray”. I also told Canyon that I have a problem with the church’s “new” doctrine of the infallibility of the Living Prophet. But other than that I simply said, “Canyon, this is how I feel about the church. I am a convert. I graduated from BYU. I am an Elder. I am married in the temple, and I went on a Stake Mission in California. Draw your own conclusions.” And he did. I can’t help it if they were all wrong.     I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union in the evening where we discussed hypothetically future events in the Gay community.  Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez gave me a ride up to campus and Guy Larson took me home, where I had him come in and visit for a while. He’s just coming out of a marriage also.     After he left, I wanted to go to bed early but didn’t. I had to write Russ a letter from his imaginary friend telling him that he had to cancel his date Tuesday because a long time lover had called him and they were going to try and get back together. I wanted to let Russ down in the most kind way possible. I couldn’t stand knowing that Russ would be waiting and waiting for someone who would never show up. I have been there before.  After writing it I went up stairs and slipped it under his door.  Then came home and went to bed.

Additional Material:

The AIDS Project Utah sponsored nine different speakers to come to Utah and participate in a lecture series on AIDS. Leading AIDS expert, Dr. Mathilde  Krim suggested that AIDS spread in the Gay Men’s community from tainted gamma goblin during the Hepatitis B experiments on Gay Men in the late 1970’s.

28 October 1986 Tuesday

I went to my Dynacomp training meeting at eight this morning by riding my bike downtown. After returning and dropping my bike off at the apartment, I encountered Russ Lane who said he needed to talk to me. I had him come down to my apartment and he told me all about this person with whom he was infatuated and who had broken his heart. I had to pretend that I was hearing all this for the first time, but I was able to hold Russ again in my arms and really take a good look at him. It made me realize how very much I still care for this man. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I know his heart, perhaps. Afterwards I went into work there was nothing new going on there. In the evening I made up some cheese enchiladas and the Spanish rice in advance for tomorrow’s soiree. After that I decided to walked up to Bryant Intermediate to watch the Men’s Choir rehearse but since I didn’t see Jon Butler or Rand Barker there,  they must have gotten out early. I then walked over to Bill Bikowski’s place where when I arrived I saw that the lights were off, so he probably wasn't at home. I walked back home and went to bed around ten-thirty.

29 October 1986 Wednesday

Canyon Anderson called me into his office to tell me some office gossip saying that they are considering me for a position to manage the Recording Department in January when Gena leaves to be trained in Escrow. I think I might go for that if it gets me out from under Bob Elcock’s thumb. He also said that Jon Butler is going to be allowed to go in to searching for Title Officer Brent Greenwood. I’m happy for Jon.     At home I was busy getting dinner ready for my guests. I was excited for most of the day at the anticipation of seeing Rand Barker again. He really turns me on.  It was a lot of work getting dinner together, fixing sour cream enchiladas, Spanish rice, and frijoles. For dessert I made a peach cobbler to serve with vanilla ice cream.     Dinner was at eight and Jon arrived first, then Rand and his partner Adrian Ruiz came. They brought me some wine. At dinner Jon mentioned that he had just finished reading Carolyn Pearson’s “Goodbye I love You” and he also was close to tears. I told him that I boo hooed all through reading the last thirty pages myself. I discovered that Adrian Ruiz is a King Kong fanatic like myself. We bored the others as we related all our favorite parts and why? Then we sang, “What ever happened to Fay Wray, that delicate satin draped frame. As it clung to her thigh how I started to cry for I wanted to be dressed just the same.”     All through dinner I kept eyeing Rand because I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.  We all ate until we were stuffed, and afterwards we finished off the wine, played the Truth Game, which was a real intimate way of getting to know each other. I also gave them the Mattel Personality Test and this was Rand’s results: Color; Blue- cool, electric, caressing, shimmering, tropical Animal: Panther- sleek, sensual, silent, penetrating Water: Mediterranean Sea- romantic, warm, entreating, embracing Room: Sheltered, hopeful, lonely, expectant.     Adrian’s was the following: Color: Green- leafy, grassy, brilliant, summery Animal: elephant- large, gray, big, humongous water: Black Sea- Large, calm, watery, soothing Room: boxed, suffocated, stifled, lost.     Jon Butler’s was the following: Color: Purple-dark, somber, fearful, soothing Animal: Horse-strong, large, fast, noble Water: Ocean-deep, cold, salty, rough Room- alone, safe, restless, curious.     The adjectives for the color question is how they think others perceive them. The animal question adjectives is how they see themselves. The adjectives for a body of water is how they view sex and the bare room question is what they think about death. All interesting answers. The party broke up after eleven and while holding Rand, I kissed him goodbye and he was rather passionate. It was a sweet evening with the underpinnings of romance. I really like Adrian too and Jon. A foursome perhaps? After all this is Utah the land of polygamy..

Additional Material:

The Salt Lake Tribune editorial board wrote in editorial Surgeon General Has Reasons For Increasing Sex Education: AIDS, the disease without a cure has already killed 15,000 of its victims in the United States. These grim facts scare people. Many, as seen by the recent decline in national support for legalizing homosexual relations, California Initiative to quarantine AIDS carriers, and various lawsuits to keep AIDS infected children out of the public schools are striking out in the wrong direction. By edict of the Utah State Board of Education public schools are prohibited from teaching about the “intricacies of intercourse”, the “acceptance of homosexuality”, and “how to do it approaches to contraceptive techniques.” Various value laden interpretations of the time worn policy have discouraged teachers from even broaching the subject of intercourse, homosexuality, and contraceptives. Utahns obviously cannot teach their children about AIDS infection and death if they refuse to discuss its causes. (Salt Lake Tribune A-10)

Two AIDS Nurses J.B. Mulligin, Porter Warren Discuss Unpopular Job It’s not fun, it’s not pretty, but AIDS Awareness Week is important in bringing some vital view points to the state from through the country. Utah’s most experienced practitioners have handed perhaps a dozen cases each, while J B Mulligan, an adult nurse practitioner has now see 900 AIDS patients at San Francisco General Hospital’ put patient clinic. At San Francisco General Hospital where more patients have been treated than any other facility in the world, the average stay for AIDS patients is eleven days. That is between the time of diagnosis and death. Warren Porter, a  Registered nurse from Los Angeles alleged patient abuse is still going on in American Hospitals by homophobic staff members. She cited the case of a Fort Lauderdale Florida patient who she said lost 45 pounds and looked like a prisoner at Dauhau when he was released from the hospital. Frightened nurses had apparently refused to help the weakened man eat. He died 48 hours after being discharged. “these are the same people who said, “It’s okay. He was only a dirty queer.”  When you check into the hospital for the first time with pneumocystic corinii pneumonia and the first thing that happens to you is some guy walks up and asks what code status you want. He’ll ask whether or not you want to be resuscitated. That’s a very scary thing when you’re really not thinking you are going to die,” said J B Mulligan. (Salt Lake Tribune B3)

30 October 1986 Thursday

Billy Bikowski called me at work to tell me that he's back from his trip to Seattle. I never even knew that he had left but it  was good to hear from him. After work I just wanted to watch a little TV and tried to clean the house up from yesterday when Mike Pipkin called and wanted to come over to watch TV with me. I guess he is bored. I said sure but he was still stoned and was just wanting me to provide a space where he can smoke his dope. That gets tiresome. If it’s not a party or special occasion then why smoke. I’m sorry I am just not a pot head. I’m just “addicted to love.” I really don’t like being around people who feel like they have to be stoned all the time. Besides that, once he’s high he gets the munchies and while he was here he ate up all the food I had left over from yesterday’s party that I had planned on living on for a while. That really pissed me off primarily because of his lack of consideration. I’d feed Mike if he was really hungry but when he’s just on a pot induced munchies spree, I can’t afford to feed that habit.  What really pissed me off however was that while I was doing the dishes, he brings me the one he had been using to wash and doesn’t say a thing about helping me! Well I was raised to be hospitable but not a door mat. I save that experience for people I am in love with. It really made me upset with him because of his lack of consideration. I am not his mother. If he’s just going to be a pot head then I don’t need him in my life.

Additional Material:

Human Cells Not Cockroaches Spreading AIDS  Mosquitoes and cockroaches cannot be blamed for the spread of AIDS nor can anything other than specifically infected human cells according to one of the researchers who originally isolated the HIV. Dr. Jay Levy, an immunologist research specialist and professor of medicine and pathology at the University of California at San Francisco said Wednesday that myth should be laid to rest once and for all.”  Dr. Levy put down the premise suggested in Salt Lake Monday during the keynote address by dr. Mathilde Krim, co-chair of the American Foundation for IADS Research. Dr.Krim hypostasized that the concurrent appearance of the horrendous disease throughout the world may have resulted from use of gamma globulin extracted from African blood donors. Gamma Gobulin is often given to homosexuals because of their high exposure to hepatitis B. While the HIV virus spreads rapidly to many different kinds of cells  in the body, it is very fragile. (Salt Lake Tribune B1)

UTAH NOW FACING PROBLEM OF AIDS By ROBERT LINDSEY, SPECIAL TO THE NEW YORK TIMES For years many residents of this predominantly Mormon state believed there was no AIDS problem, in line with the church's conservative sexual teaching. Now, at the suggestion of the state's small community of homosexuals, Gov. Norman H. Bangerter has proclaimed this ''AIDS Awareness Week,'' and Mayor Palmer DePaulis of Salt Lake City has taken a lead in warning residents about the spread of acquired immune deficiency syndrome. The fatal disease is transmitted by a virus through sexual contacts or exchanges of blood that, in the United States, has principally affected homosexual males and intravenous drug abusers. More than 65 percent of Utah's 1.6 million residents are Mormons, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a fast-growing religious organization whose doctrines rank homosexuality, adultery and fornication next to murder in grievousness among major sins. Warnings Since 1981 Some physicians here have been warning since 1981 that Utah, like any other state, was susceptible to the spread of AIDS. But because the conservative Mormon influence is so strong here, many Utahans predicted that their state would be little affected by the disease. Some church leaders had said it emergence proved that God shared the Mormons' condemnation of homosexuality. Now some residents say that it is time to acknowledge how difficult it can be to suppress human sexual conduct and that Utah has been affected by many of the same currents of change that have affected American society elsewhere. Church members who become identified as homosexuals are directed by the church to marry, and they face excommunication if they do not cease homosexual contacts. In a state so dominated by one religion, this can lead to social ostracism and difficulty in obtaining or keeping a job, former members of the church say. As a result, these former members say there is great pressure not to acknowledge a homosexual orientation. Despite the vigorous moral climate, however, Utah has not been spared a problem with AIDS. #47 Cases Since '83 Since August 1983, according to Craig Nichols, the state epidemiologist, 47 Utahans have been diagnosed as having AIDS, and 24 of the victims have died. Although the rate of infection is a tiny fraction of that in coastal cities such as New York or San Francisco, state health officials expect the number of cases to grow, especially among bisexual males.  Health officials say the strong religious and social pressure on Utahans to marry and the strong taboo against homosexuality have led an unknown number of Mormon men to lead double lives; after yielding to pressure to enter a heterosexual marriage they continue to have sexual relations with men, and if they become infected with AIDS there is a high risk that they will transmit the disease to their wives and unborn children. “'Because of the cultural differences here,'' said Jessalyn Pittman, director of the AIDS Control Program in the Utah Department of Health, ''we're very concerned about the problem of bisexual men.'' 'You Can't Believe the Guilt' ''A lot of men are forced to marry, and then they play around on the side,'' said Davyd Daniels, a former Mormon who said that when he was 12 years old he tried to commit suicide because he could not deal with the conflicts between his homosexual urges and the guilt he said the church imposed on him because of its renunciation of homosexuality. ''You can't believe the guilt,'' he said. ''We have people committing suicide all the time because they can't handle it,'' said Ben Barr, assistant director of a group largely composed of homosexuals that organized ''AIDS Awareness Week.'' Mr. Barr, who is 26 years old and Jewish, said that although he was not a Mormon he still felt pressure as a fourth-generation Utahan to marry young and did so when he was 16, even though he realized he was a homosexual. Now divorced, Mr. Barr has a ten-year-son. William Blevins, 40, a former librarian at the Mormon Church's genealogical center, said the church put pressure on him to marry at 24 in the belief ''it would cure me'' of homosexual leanings. Homosexual Organizations It did not, he said, adding that ''I still had my feelings'' and that after he fathered four children the church discharged him, then excommunicated him and forced him to disclose the identities of several other employees at the church's headquarters with whom he had had sexual relations. He said his wife left him and remarried and he no longer has custody of the children. Despite the strong taboos against homosexuality, a half-dozen bars cater to homosexuals here and homosexuals have their own monthly magazine, several social organizations and their own church, Affirmation, that follows many Mormon teachings. Mr. Nichols, the state epidemiologist, estimates there are 30,000 homosexual men in the state. Homosexual leaders assert the number is much larger because many Mormon husbands, in Mr. Daniels's words, ''are afraid to come out of the closet.''

Experts Call for $2 billion a year for AIDS Crusade. A six month report from the National Institute of Medicine, the most comprehensive ever done, warned if the spread of the virus is not checked the present epidemic could become a catastrophe. (Salt Lake Tribune A1)

Utah’s Libertarian Party chairman, Bob Waldrop, said that government involvement in everything other than police, courts, and natural defense is mischief making.  Bob Waldrop is a former pastor of the Metropolitan Community Church in SLC.

31 October 1986  Friday Halloween

I had so much fun today it’s hard to know where to begin.  I dressed as a hippy at work with a leather headband, a blousy shirt from 1971, flared bell bottom pants, and sandals with flowers in my hair. There wasn’t a party at work like Ticor use to do and very few people dressed up because of the low morale due mostly to Bob Elcock being a louse of a manager.     Anyway, I left at five to go with Jon Butler to Mark Lamar’s for dinner and to have him do my makeup for doing drag tonight. Mark’s not doing Alice Foxx anymore but still has all his make-up kit and wigs. He is letting me borrow his wig and high heels. It was fun having him fuss over me even though I am not really into all that but it’s fun once in a while. He wanted me to take off my beard and I said no way! Not for one night so I will be the bearded lady. When he was done it was wild looking and let me just say I was not a pretty girl. I wore a blouse that tied in a bow in the front and a lavender corduroy jumper with some costume pearls.  The blouse and jumper I found in my old clothes trunk and they had been Fran’s. In fact it’s what she wore when she and I was married in 1977 so in a way I am wearing my wife’s wedding dress! I let Jon Butler wear my hippy clothes along with this homemade green vest since I no longer needed them.  It was fun just playing dress up.  Mark didn’t feel like going out because he was in a mood, so Jon and I left about seven-thirty to head to the Metropolitan Community Church on 6th East. The Lesbian and Gay Student Union was hosting a Halloween Party in the Church basement. I had Jon swing back to the apartment to pick up the chocolate cupcakes I made for the party which turned out to be rather of a dud. While it was fun to see the different costumes, no one was dancing and just sitting or standing around. The night brightened when Mike Anderson walked in. He wore a homemade sheep costume! He made a little open wooly vest, some wooly briefs, and a hood with lamb’s ears. He wore black leotards to guard against the cold, black mittens trimmed in wooly material and I am not sure where he got the slippers that were in the shape of hooves but he was adorable. He kept telling everyone that he was a lost sheep that had gone astray. He was so cute. His friend Lamont Draney also came with him and he was draped in pink tulle, wearing pink Capri pants, a pink blouse, a bouffant wig and rhinestone glasses. He said that he was Patsy Cline. We started having the best time using the names Patsy, Bo, and Lola. I went by the name Lola because whatever Lola wants Lola gets!     Jon Butler was feeling out of place because of his age so he said he was heading to the bars. I then saw Eddie Muldong looking forlorn sitting in a corner dressed as a motley Court Jester. He came all the way from Provo on a bus and he did not look happy because the party was turning into a real dud so I asked Mike if Eddie could join us as I couldn’t stand the thought of someone not having a good time on Halloween! Mike said sure so we left the Metropolitan Community Church and went to a party that some of Mike’s friends were hosting. His mom Clarisse was there and while the people were nice we were the only Gays among a bunch of straights. We felt kind of uncomfortable not really knowing anyone no matter how polite they were trying to be to us. So about nine-thirty, almost ten we finally decided to hit the bars ourselves and we went to Backstreet because you don’t need a membership there. Again I saved Eddie’s ass because he didn’t have his license with him and I lied and vouched for him that he was 21 so he could get in. I couldn’t leave him standing outside in that fool’s outfit. Geez Louise!     Backstreet was packed and simply outrageous! No way could I begin to describe the smoky strobed, multi-colored lit space, packed with hundreds of men smelling of sweat and sex. So many drag queens looking bored and smoking Virginia lights, toga dressed preppies, snarly leather queens all studded out, nearly nude men wearing cut-off levis slit up the sides gyrating with poppers up their noses, and even a monocle Mr. Peanut was there larger than life.     It was impossible to find a table in the back bar room where the main dance floor is located so we stood pressed up against the bar inhaling every brand of cigarette there is. Eventually Patsy and I had to pee and we tried to get into the “powder room” but too many drag queens were squished into the lavatory so we went to the men’s room where I pulled up my dress to take a piss ala Cabaret.  It was funny the looks I would get.     I saw Adrian Ruiz and Rand Barker both members of the Men’s Choir while I was trying to hook back up with Bo and Patsy. They were so cute dressed in German Lederhosen which really showed off Rand’s fine legs and butt! Rand is so damn handsome and I feel electrified whenever I am near him. My hair is not the only thing that stands up when he near! At different times I asked him to dance with me on the dance floor which was like a gyrating mass of incredibly gorgeous men. While dancing to Blondie’s “French Kissing in the U.S.A”., I held him close and passionately kissed him as the strobe lights spewed its blinking luminescence  off the silver glitter disco ball, melting a myriad of colors over us in. I thought I was going to pass out from the intensity of Rand returning my kiss. But after returning to their table and seeing Adrian and Rand so cute together it made me realize that it would be such bad karma, besides a sinful act, to do anything to come between them. They looked so cute together and on the dance floor they were such incredible dancers, Astaire and Astaire.  However if something happens that they break up I will definitely be first in line to date Rand. But alas for now, he belongs to someone else.  Damn!     Anyway I had so much fun tonight I hardly know where to begin. After awhile it became so hot in the bar that I took off my wig and my blouse so I was dancing with just the corduroy jumper, black panty hose and white pumps on. The pearls were swinging back and forth on my hairy bare chest.  Wild! After collapsing from exhaustion and putting my feet up on an empty chair this guy came up to me and began running his hand on my leg which was stretched out. Ooh la la! The Pet Shops Boys were singing The Sodom and Gomorrah Show while this guy’s hand was slipping beneath by frock to find my, well you know what. It rhymes with frock.     Jon Butler located me about that time and said he leaving with someone he met and I said I will be fine with Bo and Patsy. And I was. We danced all night until the place closed at two in the morning to the “Monster Mash”, the “Time Warp” while glitter filter down from somewhere making my hair, beard and sweat dazzle. Fun! Fun! Fun! After the bar began turning up the house lights we shooed ourselves outside like the unholy dead but too wired to go straight home. Bo suggested we head over to The Connection for a late night snack. There we shared a platter of onion rings. Patsy had this little throw away camera and she kept dragging people over to our table to snap their picture with us.  Over a platter of fried battered onions Bo, Patsy and I became fast friends. We started in on all our old flames and I started telling Patsy what sluts men are! And she kept saying, “Fuck ‘em”.  It was so hilarious.     Eddie Muldong the motley fool found us laughing our butts off at The Connection and when we decided to call it a night at three in the morning I had Eddie come home with me to sleep on the couch. He said he had to be up at seven to catch the Provo Bus home and I didn’t want to be disturbed by the sad clown. But what a fun glorious day. Halloween, the Gay National Holiday!

NOVEMBER 1986

1 November 1986 Saturday

Can you believe it? It’s the first of November already. I slept in until ten-thirty this morning but still felt wasted from last night’s revelry. I didn’t really drink all that much yesterday only about three glasses of wine but I still feel hung over.             I tried to clean the house some by taking down all the Halloween decorations and packing them away until next year. I was expecting Fran to drop by but she didn’t. In the late afternoon around four-thirty I asked Billy Bikowski to take me to the Cottonwood Mall because I wanted to go to Penny's to buy some pants. He took me out there but said he couldn’t stay because he had to meet with some clients. At the department store I bought 2 sweaters, a pair of black slacks, some socks, a white shirt, a red flannel shirt, and some underwear all for under $100. I’m wearing a size 36 pants which are a big snuggy but light years from the size 46 I use to wear married to Fran. I caught a bus home carrying my bundle and it was a very cold evening with the wild blowing wildly. I was glad to get home back to my warm cozy home about seven. There I unwound by watching a little TV until Russ Lane came down around eight to do some ironing while watching Golden Girls.  A Gay boy life revolves around watching the Golden Girls Saturday night don’t you know? While here, he let me give him a nice body massage while we visited like we were old friends again. That was nice.             About ten tonight Billy called me to ask me over for breakfast tomorrow and I said why don't you come over here instead, and I'll fix you breakfast in bed. I just didn't want to walk all the way over to Billy's so early in the morning tomorrow but he was so adamant that I gave in and said okay. Well besides it is good for Billy to do things for me after all I do for him.             I ended up going to bed late about midnight. Well here it is November; dark gloomy November. It won’t be long now until the snow will blow in and I am not ready for that no matter how many sweaters I buy. Not at all. There are some die hard leaves on the trees but Fall is truly here and taking its toll. The harvest is over and I have not nearly gathered up enough nuts.             I don’t know yet what I will do for Thanksgiving. I guess I’ll start rounding up the strays that have no place to go. Mark Lamar said he would like for us to come over to his place for Thanksgiving. Not so sure about that. I love Mark but I have eaten his cooking before.

Additional Material:

"True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper is number one song on national charts

Rick Cochran stepped down as director of AIDS Project Utah due to health reasons and rift in the Gay Community over AIDS Awareness Week. The APU Board of Trustees appointed former assistant director, Ben Barr to be Rick Cochran’s successor. Barr was originally affiliated with the group as an emotional support volunteer.

 2 November 1986 Sunday

I got up at seven-thirty this morning to get ready to go over to Billy Bikowski's for breakfast at 8. I stopped at Smith's Food King on the way however to buy a pizza because he was joking yesterday about wanting pizza for breakfast. When I reached Billy's place he was still taking a shower so I let myself in and it was nearly 9 before he even got around to fixing breakfast. I should have stayed in bed. Anyways he fixed us an egg omelet along with the Pizza I brought over. He also made a drink out of pomegranate juice which tasted like grass. Yuck. Bizarre. But that's life with Billy. We began to visit and I made him nervous by sitting so close to him and he said to me, "Don't fall in love with me." I retorted don't worry you have been replaced by Rand Barker. Rand is the heart throb of my life now." Anyway I was at his place until noon. I gave him a massage and had some light fun teasing Billy. Billy is fun. Billy wanted me to go with him to go get his VW Rabbit that he had left near the cottonwood Mall where he ran out of gas yesterday coming back from dropping me off there. His mountain bike had been in the back of his car so he rode that on home. Billy makes his life so complicated. Why doesn't he let me help take care of him? Anyways we drove his van down to get his car and I drove the Rabbit back up to his apartment. After that I just went home to take a nap but Mike Anderson came over instead.  We visited and had fun calling the Gay Date line where Mike urged me to put my name and number on it.  I felt really stupid afterwards but oh well. It’s done. We will see what happens. After that we left to go pick up Lamont Draney for Affirmation because tonight was Pot Luck. I brought a pizza. I really like Lamont as a friend. He’s clever, funny, and so sweet. Anyway Affirmation was a blast with sixty-two people there! I counted them. The only downer of the evening was seeing Boyd Paul there and him acting aloof and distant to me. I guess I’m still hung up on him. On the whole it was good to see my friends. I wore my leather headband and when people ask what’s up with that I say it’s my tribute to leather. It’s about all I can handle. Anyway after the meeting, I was exhausted but went out to Backstreet anyhow because Mike Anderson and Lamont wanted to get a drink. I saw Marilyn Johnson from Affirmation and Guy Larson there and we all sat together and visited. I even danced a little. God I’m exhausted.

Additional Material

Utah Epidemiologist Out Lines the Risk of AIDS  by Anne Palmer Medical Writer- Public health officials in Utah however, have been hesitant to categorize intimate activities. As far as Dr. Nichols is concerned the only safe practices are celibacy and mutual monogamy among non infected individuals. “anything else except those two practices does have some unquntified risks.”, he points out. Dr. Nichols had previously been criticized for being overly autious in his analysis of AIDS transmission and admits that his celibacy and monogamy statements  ae “Ultra-conservative.”(B2)

AIDS Project Enlightens National news organizations were apparently impressed this past week with Utah for hosting national experts for AIDS Awareness Week. Thursday’s New York Time featured a lengthy story saying the state’s Mormon leaders could no loner deny the presence of homosexuality in the community.  State epidemiologist Craig Nichols said the state had been criticized by the New York AIDS Foundation and subsequently the Center of disease Control for failing to provide public funds. “At the time we felt AIDS Project Utah was a fledgling organization and we were not going to pass out funds until we were sure they had a board of directors which had some goals consistent with our objectives.” After the week’s lecture series, dr. Nichols said, I believe the greatest value of AIDS Awareness Week was that individuals in our community who are at highest risk of acquiring infection are taking action on their own to educate the public and their own group members.(SL Tribune B2)

 3 November 1986 Monday

What a bitch of a day at work. The computer was screwed up for almost all day so couldn’t get my searches done. It was Jon Butler’s first day as an examiner. I wonder how he liked it. After work I briefly saw Russ Lane coming back from a job interview which made me miss having him here at Utah Title. In the evening I had to do a load of wash before going to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union at seven-thirty. Anyway right before leaving for the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, I get this phone call from someone that sounded like Mike Pipkin in my message box on the dating service. I thought at first  it was Mike and that he was playing a joke on me so I was being really rude and flippant when it turned out that this guy was for real and that his name was Dan! He had called me in response to my message on the date line. He said that he was 24 years old, going to Utah Tech, majoring in accounting. He sounded fun so I replied and said I’d meet him at the Coachman Restaurant on State and 13th for a date tomorrow. Brook Hallock gave Mike Pipkin who came over and me a ride up. I think Mike was stoned again or at least he was acting like he was high. The Lesbian and Gay Student Union meeting was on what our “wants” are.  A piece of paper was passed out to everyone to anonymously write our replies. I only wrote one word on my paper,” serenity”. Most of the rest of the group, but not all, only wanted materialistic possessions.             I loved getting out of the house.             I wonder what is in the works for me. I am exhausted and it’s near midnight so I’ve got to get to bed.

Additional Material

 The Lebanese magazine Ash-Shiraa reported that the United States has been selling weapons to Iran in secret in order to secure the release of 7 American hostages held by pro-Iranian groups in Lebanon which began the Contra Iran Scandal.

The Lesbian and Gay Student Union of the University of Utah elected Richard R. Hefner as new president replacing Jim Hunsaker.  Curtis Jensen and Daniel Humphrey were elected co-vice presidents.

There can be no relaxation in the battle Against AIDS (Salt Lake Tribune A14)

 4 November 1986 Tuesday

It was another bitch of a day with the computers down for most of the day. I am looking forward to my blind date with Dan tonight. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t what I expected. Dan was a sweet man but a little too much of a queen for me.  We visited at the Crossroads Mall for about two hours but we just didn’t really click. We never did go out for dinner.  Well if you don’t date you won’t find Mr. Right if there is such a creature.             I saw Mark Lamar today and he came by and retrieved his drag accouterments I had borrowed for Halloween. He was in a good mood and it was great being with him. Fran called today also and said that she needed some money for the storage unit.             I voted a straight Democratic Ticket today. Jon Butler is with Willy Marshall at the Libertarian headquarters for election night results. I wonder how LaRouche is doing in California. I’ve got to write some dates down to remember appointments. On Sunday the 9th I am having Curtis Jensen from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, and Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez over for dinner at 2:00. On Wednesday the 12th I am going with Lamont Draney to usher for Saturday’s Voyeur. I would like to find someone to share my life with but I am happy. I do miss having someone to love. Russ Lane, Rand Barker, John Howell, John Cunningham are all shits!  Forget it and go to bed. I am kind of tired tonight. I think I am getting a little cold because I am feeling run down.

Additional Material

The gay community of California successfully defeated two LaRouche initiatives that propose quarantining Californians with AIDS and HIV. Out of this effort came the first statewide advocacy group for gay and lesbian civil rights -- the Lobby for Individual Freedom and Equality (LIFE Lobby).

Saturday’s Voyeur: Christmas Roadshow '86 Originally created by Nancy Borgenicht and Michael Buttars. Additional Material 1979-1986 by Nancy Borgenicht and Edward J. Gryska

 5 November 1986 Wednesday

Work was a little better today because the computer was up and running. However I am feeling run down like I am trying to come down with a cold. My throat is a little sore. I probably caught a bug walking home last night. I had a phone call message at 8:30 this morning from some guy named Dave on the dating service. He never called back At noon a kid named Frank called and wanted me to come over to meet him and when I did he wasn’t there so he was playing games I suppose.  So far I am not terribly impressed with dating over the phone. But it’s something different I suppose.             After work I went to open up the Crossroads Urban Center for a Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians meeting. Beauchaine lead the meeting and about ten guys showed up. After the meeting we changed the charter a bit by throwing out the words spiritual and replaced them with the word “awareness” at Brook, Beau, and Derek Kaufman’s suggestions.             I think Mark the business man is a real sleaze and I am so glad no to be involved with him. I know he only comes to MADGAL to see if he can recruit men to his secret club.

 6 November 1986 Thursday

I tore my left contact lens while cleaning them yesterday so I tried calling around to price a replacement. America’s Best on 72nd South is the best price but I won’t be able to pick them up until December 5th. I guess I’ll have to get use to wearing my glasses gain.             Work was a bitch again with the computers crashing for most of the day and on top that it snowed almost all day! It’s the first snow fall. I hate it.             At home I am getting weird phone calls again from the dating service. This guy from the avenues wants me to sleep with both him and his girlfriend! He says that his girlfriend wants to watch two guys fuck and then get fucked herself. What a fantasy for a bisexual male. Then this other guy named Tom wants to meet me so I invited him over thinking we could talk, visit and watch little TV and then if anything connects who knows? But he shows upon my doorstep drunk, comes inside the apartment and says to me,” I want you to rape me I am so horny!” I thought get real bub. He’s so hot to get raped but hey that’s not my scene. So I jacked him off to get him off, and to get him out of my place. I sent him packing! Geez Louise! No more dating over the phone!

Additional Material:

Three Advise City-Council to Create Salt Lake Commission on Human Rights An expansive ordinance to deal with discrimination was presented to the Salt Lake City Council Thursday. In a briefing that went unexpectedly quick, gay rights activist David k. Nelson, Utah ACLU Executive director Shirley Pedler, and Hispanic attorney Carlos Chavez outlined the needs and uses of the ordinance. The proposal called for creating a five member commission to hear complaint about discrimination through the city.  The city council asked its staff to review the idea and return with a recommendation in less then three months. Mr. Nelson a candidate against council woman Sydney Fonnesbeck in the last city election said he researched the ordinance for two years. He said such commissions already exist in Phoenix, Reno, and Pocatello. After the council meeting however he said if his proposal were adopted it would give Salt lake City the nations most powerful Human Rights Commission. Asked whether this might be too broad, he believes it would be improper to dilute the power to protect the rights addressed in the ordinance. Specifically it addresses age, color, disability, marital status, national origin, race, religion, sex, and sexual orientation.  One of the elements that makes his version particularly strong is its intention to regulate violations city wide an not strictly those for city government.  Mr. Nelson said this is necessary because the Unites States Civil rights Commission, which has handled such situations is planned for extinction. The only other agency dealing with it is the Utah Industrial Commission’s Anti-discrimination Division and it deals primarily with employment problems. Ms. Pedler who for nearly a dozen years has directed the local American Civil Liberties Union office urged the council to approve the idea. She said the need for the ordinance is apparent through complaints her office receives. Mr. Nelson estimated creation of Human Rights Council would cost Salt Lake City $150,000 to $200,000 annually. He stressed the figures was a guess. David Nelson encouraged the SLC council to adopt a Human Rights Bill protecting the rights of minority group members including Gays. Bill was supported by attorney Carlos Chavez and Shirley Pedler director of Utah’s chapter of ACLU however again SLC attorney, Roger Cutler called the bill an obvious attempt to “substantially alter protection for persons practicing homosexuality.”

 7 November 1986 Friday

I only worked until one-thirty because Bob Elcock sent me home because the computers were still down for most of the day. I’ll have to come in tomorrow but that’s okay because having taken off early I took the bus to the U of U Campus Career Center to look up what I would have to do to teach overseas. I also spent a little time with Russ Lane helping him rewrite a letter to the editor.             Darrell Hunt came down about six this evening  and wanted to go to the Deerhunter but that was kind of a dud. So we then went to the movies and saw “Ferris Buehler’s Day Off”. It was really cute. After the show, we went to Backstreet where we danced a little. I didn’t see anyone I knew. Then a snow storm blew in and we went to Denny’s for a late night snack. I had a bowl of chili and some onion rings. Darrell is a sweet man but there’s absolutely nothing between us. We are way different.  I don’t know how to let him know that we can’t ever be anything more than friends. He brought me down fifty pounds of potatoes from Idaho! Geez Louise! Golly he knows how to court a gal. Besides the potatoes, there’s a ceramic mashed potato bowl he made himself in the shape of…you guessed it- a potato! I know he enjoys my company far more then I do his and you can’t be mean to someone because of that. However when I’m with him, I can’t help but be thinking I want to be with someone else. But I am kind, so here I sit smiling at his russet potato jokes, his million stories about his mission to Brazil, and growing up and teaching in Idaho. It’s going to be a long weekend. It snowed off and on all day but it didn’t stick.

Additional material: 

Top Ten Song on Billboard- 1) Amanda, 2) I didn’t Mean to Turn You On, 3) True Colors 4) Human, 5) True Blue 6) Take Me Home Tonight 7) You Give Love a Bad Name 8) Typical Male 9) Word Up, 10) The Rain

8 November 1986 Saturday

I got up this morning at seven after only about six hours of sleep. I wanted to go into work early any way to take a break from Darrell Hut. He’s driving me nuts.             I worked from eight until noon and then had to come home.  Darrell wanted to take me out to lunch for letting him stay with me. We went to La Frontera’s on 4th South and about 15th west. I really deserve being taken for lunch because I had to work for it,  by listening to Darrell’s nonstop gab session.             After lunch we went over to “Price Savers” on thirty-fifth South and 9th West so that Darrell could price VCR’s. Price Saver’s had a Samsung’s VCR for $229 which is a great buy. I want to get one for myself for Christmas if I can save the money.             Anyway after coming home, he wanted me to watch Kiss of the Spider Woman with him but I was so tired I really couldn’t enjoy it.  Around six,  I went upstairs to Russ Lane’s apartment just to get away from Darrell for awhile. I was going nuts.  Russ said he understood because Darrell came by while I was at work and Russ had his fill of him then. In the evening I begged Jon Butler and Mike Anderson to come over so I wouldn’t have to be alone with him.  They did and we all watched a little TV especially the Golden Girls, which was about a Lesbian friend of the Bea Arthur’s character. It was so funny.            About eight-thirty we started watching some porno films but couldn’t taken them too seriously and kept making jokes with Mike Anderson about the action. I was nearing exhaustion by ten, and the last I knew Darrell, Jon, and Mike were still watching porn’s after I went to bed.             I like Gay films as much as the next guy but couldn’t get too excited with Darrell here. Having a VCR in the house made me really want to get one. The weather is nippy out.

Additional Material

"Amanda" by Boston is number one song on national charts.

 9 November 1986 Sunday

Let me just say right off that it was an El Bizarro Day. I got up about eight-thirty to straighten the place for my dinner party today and to get some of the preparation out of the way. Yesterday I made the peach cobbler and soaked the chicken in milk and eggs.  So this morning I coated them in seasoned flour and peeled the potatoes to get ready to boil.  My menu is Southern Fried Chicken, Biscuits, gravy, creamed corn, mashed potatoes, and peach cobbler. I had the Temple of Doom playing on the VCR while cooking and cleaning. Thank goodness Darrell Hunt left this morning to head down to Provo to see his daughter at BYU so that got him out of my hair for a while, or at least until dinner at two. So I was free of his corny jokes, and puppy dog shadowing of me for most of the day. I talked to Fran for a bit and she said she was hired by the IRS in Provo. She also said that she’s had the car tuned and serviced so she’s doing well.  Best news is she said that’s she should be able to start helping with the bills soon. Thank goodness! Anyway around two Russ Lane happened to drop by, and after spying my culinary preparations and seeing him drool, I invited him to dinner too. I knew there would be enough to feed a small army and besides Mike Anderson had called earlier to say that Lamont Draney said he had to cancel because he had to go up to Park City. So for Sunday dinner at my place today I had Mike Anderson, Russ Lane, Billy Bikowski, Darrell Hunt, Curtis Jensen, Brook Hallock, and Nancy Perez Diatima. I went up to invite Jon Butler to join us but he wasn't home so that was all of us. I had everything ready by 2 but by two-thirty Brook, Nancy, and Curtis still hadn't arrived so I had the rest eat before the food got cold. Bill Bikowski was so sweet to me all day and it made me fall in love with him all over again. It was neat having Russ Lane and Bill Bikowski, two people I really love, together for a Sunday dinner. I really didn't feel much like eating so I sat on the couch with Mike Anderson as Russ, Bill, and Darrell chattered away in Spanish. Mormons have absolutely no manners. You should never carry on a conversation where some in the group is excluded. Neither Mike nor I knew enough Spanish to carry on a conversation so we felt like bumps on a log. Finally by three Brook and Nancy showed up with Curtis and I had them sit down and I dished them up what was left of dinner which I tried to keep warm. I acted the gracious host and pretended that we had started early and that they weren’t late. While we were all visiting in our little group, a real coincidence occurred! By happenstance Russ Lane mentioned that he was from Cedar City, Iowa originally and Brook then exclaimed that she was raised there herself and had even attended Jefferson High,  the same high school Russ attended although at different times. However the real kicker is that Brook said she was in love with the girl’s high school gym teacher who happened to have been Russ Lane’s mother! While Russ’ mother is in no way Gay, Brook said that Mrs.Lane was her first Lesbian Role model and had the worse crush on her!  Meg Christensen’s Ode to a Gym teacher was exactly how Brook felt about Russ’ mother!  Isn’t that a hoot! Russ had almost not come to dinner as I had inadvertently hurt his feelings when I invited him by saying that he couldn’t talk religion at the party.  That was a stupid ass thing for me to say and later I went up to his place and apologized. I asked him to forgive me and please come to dinner. Just think if I wouldn’t have gone after Russ, Brook and he may have never made this connection. The Mormon Church is a small world but the Gay Mormon community is smaller still. One of the reasons I had asked Brook and Nancy over in the first place was to read my poems to them. I even read the one about Billy called HAPPY BIRTHDAY, which was about Billy’s abysmal behavior last September and Billy was here to hear it. Too bad. It's just a work of literature now and he did inspire it. Brook, Nancy, and Curtis had to lave at five to head down to KRCL where they were being interviewed for some reason on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. It was about that time that the others started drifting off too.  Russ had to go get ready for Affirmation and Billy left saying that he had to go home and write letters. Soon it was just Mike Anderson, Darrell Hunt, and me.  Fortunately Russ had asked Darrell to pick up some kid who needed a ride to Affirmation so I was spared another round of Idaho spud jokes. Mike Anderson also left saying that he had promised to give Steve Oldroyd a ride to Affirmation. I didn’t feel like going. I wanted to rest and spend some time alone without Darrell hanging on to me. So while everyone was away I watched “Temple of Doom” again and some porno flicks. About nine-thirty tonight Mike Anderson appears with a whole troop from Affirmation, including Ken “SugarTush” Francis, Jeff Manookian, Guy Larsen, and this kid named Juan. We continued to watch some of the porno flicks I had been viewing until Guy Larson said he had to take off. When he left, some of the guys kind of drifted into the back bedroom. When I went back there, Mike Anderson turned off the lights and lit a candle. We visited in the candlelight and it felt like I suppose a Boy Scout campout would have but having never been a scout I couldn’t really say. We told some horror stories about being Gay at BYU, and later Mike asked if I would share some of my poetry which I read to them by candlelight.  I was sitting basically in the dark next to Ken this really hot 24 year old returned missionary and I could feel hands that were not my own exploring intimate parts of my body. Knowing what was inevitable I suggested that we push the twin beds together and within seconds we were all on top on a king size bed, scrabbling to take our clothes off. We were laughing and saying we can’t believe this is happening. Soon the five of us were naked, lying on the bed feeling each other up. I really was attracted to Ken and had always wanted to know what it would be like being with him so I took this opportunity to find out by performing fellatio on him. The other rascals were trying to make me laugh and let me tell you it’s hard to do with your mouth full. I was democratic and went back and forth from Ken to Jeff but wouldn’t have sex with Mike Anderson. It would have been too weird because he is like my best friend, or a younger brother, or even closer sisters! Eventually Juan lost interest in us and wandered out to the front room to go solo on the couch while finishing up the porno flicks. We however were just having the gayest time, enjoying each other’s company, reveling in our maleness, and cementing our friendship bonds with our own body fluids like horny hornets.  It was a crazy spur of the moment midnight madness. It was a mass confusion of firm hairy legs and smooth thighs. Finally by two-thirty in the morning we were spent, with me blowing Ken, Ken blowing Mike, and Mike blowing Jeff. I didn’t care if I climaxed or not since I had already spewed earlier before the party when I had been alone watching the flicks.  Mike and Ken came simultaneously which was thrilling to behold and Jeff came moments later.  I went and retrieved a wet warm towel and washed each lover in turn.  It was a magical experience and I believe we all had a good time, enjoying our passions. I dare say no one will ever believe that the five of us from Affirmation had sex together. After Ken, Jeff, and Juan took off, Mike and I were too wired to sleep so we drove down to Redwood Road and 21st South where Guy Larson was working a graveyard shift at a 7-Eleven.  We imps rubbed it in what happened after he left for work. He just laughed. After that we headed back to the Juel apartment and watched “The Women” on Darrell’s VCR until four-thirty in the morning when I told Mike I had to get some sleep. I left him staring at Rosalind Russell giving beaver shots in the gym, and crawled into bed exhausted. It was a long, long day.

Additional Material-

Dr. Kristen Ries MD, a specialist who was a fellow in infectious disease at the Women Medical College of Pennsylvania where she graduated Cum Laud, spoke to Wasatch Affirmation. She came to Salt Lake in 1981 where she opened a private practice. Extensive involvement with AIDS patients gave her a unique insight into the personal as well as clinical aspects of the AIDS crisis. She spoke to Wasatch Affirmation about the human aspect of the AIDS epidemic.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY by Ben Williams Billy, darling, Billy Happy, Happy Birthday Wasn’t it fun Billy, Darling, Billy Charming Billy Where were you on Sunday? Candles glowing, white wine flowing, Chowder brimming, ribbons trimming Wrapping paper pretty and new Concealing gifts ‘special for you. Blueberry cheesecake Graham cracker crust Spiced with cinnamon, Walnuts crushed Clam chowder, New England Style Steamy hot, Sea crackers, all crispy ready for the pot Crab dip, white and pink, Crinkled potato chips Goblets to be filled China plates, some chipped Waiting, yes, waiting, My Sweet Billy, dear Candles shining so brightly and clear Shadows come creeping So slowly seeping Slipping past curtains As I lay sleeping Pools of wax forming From candles still glowing Liquid light glimmering, In the dark shimmering Billy, darling, Billy, Happy Happy Birthday It was fun, Billy, Darling Billy, Charming Billy Where were you on Sunday? Feeling so foolish Feeling such fear Feeling it’s true, You don’t love me dear Drip, drip, drip, The wax gives out Dim, Dim, Dim, The glow goes out Will my love come, I have my doubts Finish

 10 November 1986 Monday

I took the day off  but was woken by Mike Pipkin knocking on my living room door at eight this morning. He was lit, so I told him I was too groggy to talk and to come back later.  At nine Darrell Hunt came by to retrieve his VCR because he was heading back to Idaho. Please dear God, help Darrell find true love and suitable work in Idaho so he will stay there.             I couldn’t go back to sleep after that so I tried to pick up the first layer of party refuse a little while Mike Anderson slept the sleep of angels.  I am so tired today and I just want to crash but will continue on. Mike Pipkin returned at 11 but I am sorry, I am not sure I like him anymore. He get’s tight, then he’s critical of me.  He even drank almost a whole pint of vodka here that I hadn’t even opened! I just don’t think I like Mike Pipkin much when he’s drunk. He’s so into himself and no one else.             I guess he had no place to go today so wanted to tag along with Mike Anderson and me. We went to Price Saver’s out on thirty-fifth South and 9th West where I was able to get a great deal on an answering machine. I paid $65 for it and it’s really cool and I am so happy with it. Back at the apartment Mike Anderson and I played around with recording a fun message. The one I left was finally “No this isn’t Dairy Queen or Burger King but if you have a Whopper and want it you way then please leave a message.”             After hooking up my answering machine, Mike Anderson, Mike Pipkin, and I went over to Mike Anderson’s place to watch some cable TV. We mainly ended up watching MTV which I haven’t been able to watch for nearly a year! I was so tired at Mike’s I nearly fell asleep so Mike Anderson took Mike Pipkin and me home around five.             There I got ready for the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. Mike lay on the couch and watched some TV. I did talk to Jon Butler only briefly before heading out for the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. He had a fight with Lon Wright last Saturday night and they are on the outs. So then I left Mike watching the flickering TV and took off for campus. There the Lesbian and Gay Student Union was extremely interesting. Brook Hallock gave a lesson on a book she had found in a used book store called, “The Color of Love.”  It helped explain what type of “lover” you are by answering a questionnaire profile. The premise of the book is that there are a variety of different forms of love but since we have but one word for love, it does not explain “how” we love. The author stated that for the purpose of his book he believed that there are eight types of lovers: Ludic Eros, Ludic, Mania Ludic, Storge Ludic, Pragma, Storge, Storgae, Eros Mania.            A Ludic Eros lover enjoys the playful pursuit of love. A Ludic lover is more playful then serious. A Mania Ludic cannot reciprocate serious love. Storage Ludic Lovers only want friendships. A Pragma lover is looking for compatibility. A Storge lover wants companion friendship like brothers and sisters. Storge Eros is a love based on duty and selflessness.  Mania Eros is the idealistic type lover who falls in love at first sight.  Guess what I am? Mania Eros damn it!  In other words I fall in love completely and unconditionally. However most everyone else at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union were Pragma Lovers or Ludic Eros.             This kid named Tom gave me a ride home from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and about ten-thirty I get this phone call from the gay dating service that both Mike Anderson and I had joined.  This guy named Ray said that he wanted to meet me so like an idiot I said “sure”. So, then I rode my bike up B Street in the Lower Avenues to the guy’ apartment. I was stunned when he opened the door and found that Ray was a real sleaze. I said this is not what I had in mind and rode my bike back on home.   He said that he was a “bisexual” and wanted me to have sex with him and his girlfriend. I wouldn’t have slept with him or his girl friend for a $1000! Geez Louise! I may be easy but I am not sleazy. On the way home I thought I was going to freeze my nuts off. It was thirty-five degrees out and with the wind factor from riding my bike downhill it was probably in the teens. I am going to bed! Finally! And it’s after midnight already.

 11 November 1986 Tuesday

I love my answering machine. I love screening calls. I love listening to my recorded messages. I feel like I am a full-fledged faggot now with my own telephone answering machine. I didn’t have to work today because of Veteran’s Day, so I had Troy Nichols and Jon Butler over to fix them breakfasts. I made biscuits and gravy. In the afternoon Mike Anderson dropped by and he offered to take me grocery shopping again. He’s come down with a cold too. We stopped by his friend, Marilyn, to give her tickets for a Wednesday performance of Saturday’s Voyeur.  Other then that I spent much of the day trying to clean the place but really didn’t get much accomplished. At 6:30 this evening, Mike came by again to take me over to Lamont Draney where he read me my fortune on his Tarot Cards. Lamont said that the Tarot Cards said while I wished that Billy would love me that I'd be disappointed if I got my wish. That's probably truer than I know. We couldn’t stay long because Mike had to get ready for tonight’s show. We just walked from Lamont’s place which was just a couple of blocks to the Salt Lake Acting Company on 5th North and 2nd West. I ushered for the performance taking tickets, and showing people to their seats but once the show began I was able to sit down and watch.  It was absolutely wonderful and one of the funniest shows I have ever seen anywhere. Mike played a Mormon Missionary and was so talented. Becki Mecham as “Althora”, the mother of the brood, was simply fantastic. The show stopper however was the ending when she walks on stage wearing a larger than life beehive hairdo replete with a miniature of the Salt lake Temple Square. It was so outrageous that one could not possibly appreciate the effect unless you saw it.

Additional Material-

Sperry Rand and Burroughs merge to form Unisys, becoming the second largest computer company. Sperry introduces 2200 Series, forerunner of the current ClearPath HMP IX system. Unisys is still an important player today in the market for powerful systems, including, among many others, the ES7000 server supply for Microsoft Windows 2000 Data Center and the ClearPath Plus systems that form the heart of many data centers among clients such as the New York Nasdaq exchange and AT&T.

 12 November 1986 Wednesday

I went back to work today and Bob Elcock was such a shit to me. He said he wasn’t going to pay me for coming in last Saturday. I really got into a fight with him over it. I can stand the weasel. I think Bob is going to do away with my department so I may have to go back to examining or into recording. Other then that, nothing was really new at work.             I am still feeling groggy from my cold but I was able to put in the mail a poem I wrote for the Triangle Magazine. I sent in my poem entitled, “I’ve Got the Gay Bar Blues”. I also sent in an advertisement for Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians.             In the evening just I watched Hammer, Magnum P.I. and some other trash on TV while I worked on some Poems tentatively titled, “A Fool”, and “Wounded Heart”. About ten at night Billy Bikowski dropped by to show off his new haircut. I thought it was cute but he thought it was too short. He's going to be on KSL's Prime Time Access because of his wood carvings and he was all excited. He  wanted to tell someone I supposed that loves him. Richard Lamborn's roommate Jim Rinaldi works for KSL and he's the one that helped get Billy on the air. I fixed Billy some supper, not much, just corn chowder and some hard rolls. I am still very much in love with Billy Bikowski but how can I tell him that? It will just scare him off. I'm nothing more than a comfort­able overstuff chair to him. I'm there when he needs to relax and un-wind. I guess that should be enough but it’s not. He says to me he has another boy­friend and while I act like I don't care the pain is real. Should I pitch a fit and throw his ass out? No. That's just spiteful. He still is my friend and just because my feelings are stronger for him than his are for me doesn't mean I should punish him for not returning my feelings. I just want to hold him again like I use to and make love to him.  However the Tarot Cards said I’d always be disappointed in any relationship with Billy.

Additional Material-

GAY LOVE AT BYU by Ben Williams I see blue, blue eyes framed in long, long lashes, Gleaming teeth flashing; wickedly smiling, Sitting near him with knees so slightly touching, Resting, telling me, more than lying lips denying, Could ever say to me, I lean ever so slightly forward; arms lightly touching, Resting, suggesting more than lying lips denying, Could ever say to me, I cautiously, nervously, glance at him, The room lights are growing dim, My eye catches his blue, blue eyes, Cautiously, nervously, glancing towards me, We both cough, we adjust, as if we must, And we lean into each other as bookends, Each other supporting, Hoping no one’s reporting, Our postures sitting in the dark, Knees pressed together, As the celluloid film flickers, I don’t feel wicked, Just alive I don’t know what this means, This scene, does he the same? It makes for a dangerous game, Me with sweaty palms, careful not to alarm, To show signs of panic, As my heart soars, even roars, Why do these risky antics, Send shivers, quivers to my soul, Does it to him too? Does he feel whole, connected, complete, This vague masculine touching, sweetly indiscreet, Then the lights flash on and now he’s gone, I reassume the role of an empty soul, Lost at BYU.

 13 November 1986 Thursday

It’s the same old crap at work. In the evening just stayed home and watched The Bill Cosby Show, Cheers, and Family Ties. I also tried to clean my house since I can’t get any elves to do the dishes while I sleep. I still spent most of the night writing poetry, and editing what I have already written. Billy Bikowski surprised me by coming over yesterday to get approval on his new buzz hair cut.  All his long blond mop is gone. I wish he would have given me a snippet of it. Yesterday while I was combing and brushing his hair, I knew I was still in love with him. When he left, he kissed me on the forehead. What does that mean? I know Billy loves me but isn't in love with me. Perhaps I just love Billy too and am not in love with him. Oh who am I fooling? Mike Anderson called this evening and said that his cold is still bad so that’s why he hasn’t been out and about except to perform in Saturday Voyeur. He said he still needed someone to usher tomorrow night and I said I would if Jon Butler doesn’t come through. In the news President Reagan was caught illegally selling arms to Iran in exchange for some hostages held in Lebanon. I don’t know why everyone is so upset to find out that he’s a liar? He’s a Republican isn’t he?

 14 November 1986 Friday

It was payday finally and I cleared $570 with which I went and opened a new checking account because my First American Credit Union is all screwed up.  I found a bank with free checking, called Guardian Bank, down on 2nd South and 2nd East. The weather was so nice that I rode my ten speed downtown where I also dropped in Weinstock’s to see Rand Barker. He acted so happy to see me and invited me over tomorrow to watch some videos.  He told me I could bring a friend so I invited Jon Butler but he already had a prior commitment with his family in Centerville that night. However Jon said he would help me tomorrow morning move some desks and furniture at the Sunstone Magazine’s office for Elbert Peck.   The magazine is moving their offices to the Rio Grande Train Station on 4th West and 3rd South. Tonight Jon said he is ushering for Mike Anderson at a performance of Saturday’s Voyeur so I won’t have to.             I stayed home all evening watching a little TV but mostly typing my poems and stories.  I enjoy sitting on the floor in my cozy little apartment using my coffee table as a work station while listening to the FM. Some songs out right now I really like are the Bangles’ “Walk Like an Egyptian”, Robert Plant’s “Didn’t Mean to Turn You On”, Billy Joel’s “It’s a Matter of Trust”, the Pretender’s “Don’t Get Me Wrong,” and Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again”.

 15 November 1986 Saturday

I didn’t get out of bed until after seven-thirty after not getting to bed until so late last night. Only reason I was up at all was to go with Jon Butler to meet with Elbert Peck downtown. We had made commitment to help Elbert move stuff at the old offices of the Sunstone Magazine on 1st South above the Dinwiddie’s Store or near it. It was a lot of heavy lifting and I really broke a sweat but I love Elbert and this is for him.             I still have my cold so I only came into work until about eleven when I said I had to leave to meet someone which I did. I walked across the street and took the bus to the Crossroad’s mall to Weinstock’s to see Rand Barker who works there. It was kind of a disappointing meeting. Sometimes he acts excited to see me, and then at other times he acts so demure. I can’t figure him out.  Anyway he did say the invitation to come over this evening was still on.             I then went home, typed up some poetry, and took a long hot steamy shower because my muscles were sore from the heavy lifting I did this morning.             In the evening I borrowed the company car to go out to Adrian Ruiz and Rand Barker’s places on 7th East and about 39th South. I put gas in the car and bought some Berry Coolers to take out there. I had just a little trouble finding the place, and was really looking forward to spending the evening with them, but when I arrived I found that I wasn’t the only guest. Two women and a guy I kind of knew named Richard Madison was also there. I was a little disappointed because I had planned on spending the evening alone with Adrian and Rand.             Anyway the condo looked like a Nordstrom’s Showroom full of mirrors, gilt, and glass. It was too elegant for my taste. I like things homier but Adrian and Rand were the complementary host I must say. The plans for the evening were to watch a video of King Kong, the original version on their VCR.  I thought we were there to have fun and I guess I was making too many comments because everyone politely ignored me but acted like they were annoyed that I was talking through the movie.  Finally after getting shushed once too often by Richard and the Dykes, I said, “Excuse me but King Kong has only been around for over fifty-three years and I thought everyone knew the plot by now!” I excused myself then and went home. Piss elegant fairies.

Additional Material

Episcopal Bishop Urges Churches to Help AIDS Patients The Right Reverend George Bates newly ordained Episcopal Bishop of Utah spoke of those terminally ill with AIDS saying they are among those who need ministering the most.  Jesus Christ was on earth to minister to the sick not to those who are well. (Salt Lake Tribune Article B13)

"Amanda"  by Boston is number one song on national charts

Associated Press wire service carried story by Roger Young about Gay persecution at Brigham Young University.  In spite of slight improvements, persecution of homosexuals continued to haunt many Gay students attending BYU.  The article recounted BYU’s zealous campaign against homosexuals in the mid-1970’s which consisted of tracing license plates from Gay SLC bars, taping phone conversations, “aversion therapy” which involved giving electric shocks to a student while exposing him to Gay pornography. Homosexuals Endure at BYU Despite a Strict Code of Honor In many ways Glenn is a model BYU student. He’s in the Elder’s Quorum Presidency of his Mormon Church Ward, and a veteran of a two year church mission to South America where he held several leadership positions. But contrary to the strongly held tenets of the faith, which owns and operates BYU, Glen also is a homosexual.  And Glenn says he is far from being alone in the Gay lifestyle at BYU despite the aversion for homosexuals held by the Mormon Church.  People would be surprised at the number of Gays at BYU he said.  It is way over a ten00 out of 26,000 students attending classes at the central Utah school. BYU has all its students sign a Code of Honor which in part states that anyone caught involved in a homosexual act could be expelled.  The church teaches that not only is homosexuality a grievous sin but it can be overcome.  Glen and other homosexuals who consented to interview if their full names were not used disagree. The believe that they were born Gay and have no choice in their sexual preference for men.  School spokesman Paul Richards acknowledged that homosexuality is noting new for BYU.  However he said the school’s treatment of Gays is changing.  There is more of a “let’s talk about” about it attitude now,” he said.  “I would say there is a more understanding approach used now.”  During the late 1970’s BYU came under fire for its use of aversion therapy in its treatment of homosexuals. Richards said while there were other college campuses experimenting with the same thing, “BYU did get a black eyes for that.” Keith, a Salt Lake City native, said he volunteered for the therapy while attending BYU. “First they made me watch a Gay Pornography flick and everything I got aroused they would shock me.” He called.  This was followed by an explicit heterosexual love scene without the electrical shock he said. “They made me feel like I was Pavlov’s dog.” Keith said.  After several months of treatment, he was considered “cured”.  But three months later, he moved in with an older man who is still his lover.  Dr. Clyde Sullivan, director of Counseling and Development at BYU says aversion therapy is no longer used at the university. “I don’t believe in aversion therapy,” he said. “I don’t believe in hurting people to bring about change. My observation is that it does damage. Homosexuality is a behavior not a condition.  It’s not a broken leg that can easily be mended,” Sullivan said. “However, I believe human beings can shape their lives,” he added, ”Fundamentally, I believe we can bring we can bring about change. But it requires hard work on the part of the therapist, the client, and society. He also said that rumors that gay students who came in for counseling will be reported to the school administration is unfounded. We operate with a confidential and privilege communication, Sullivan said. If one of my stuff turned a student in, they would be in danger of losing their license and could be fired.  Several ex BYU students remember the extremes that  the school went to in what they refer to as the “purge of75-76”. During that period several homosexuals were expelled some of them claiming they weren’t even allowed the chance to defend themselves. Daren now a Salt Lake City business man said that although he is a homosexual while at BYU he was celibate and never and never broke the Honor Code. He believes the school’s Standard Office which enforces the code, got his name from Gay friends. It was incredible. One day I was a student and the next day I was out.”  Daren remembered. Richards said it was true the school was once zealous in ferreting out homosexuals.”  During the late 70’s the security officers  was going to Salt Lake and getting license plate number’s off cars with BYU stickers parked outside of Gay bars.” He said. “I think at the time there was even taping conversations. However when then President Dalin Oaks found out about it, he put an end to it post haste.”  Now if a student is discovered to be a homosexual he is referred to the Standards Office and his Mormon bishop is notified. The bishop then has jurisdiction, Richard said. “If the bishop continues to give his approval and we have no other evidence to work on, the prison is welcome to stay in school.”  However if the student won’t work with the bishop our position is pretty is straight forward; the person would not be allowed to stray in school. Also repeat offenders, even if they are seeing their bishop will be allowed to stay in BYU classes,” Richard said. “To have someone who is considered a predator by the church, trying to get other people involved, the church after a while says, “Why should we be subsidizing that kind of activity at a place where people should be free of that?” Richards said. Homosexuals at BYU are far from convinced that the days of purging and harassment are gone, despite with school officials say.  Frank (Fatah) who graduated in April and now works in Salt Lake City said he was “harassed by the Standard’s Office constantly” Frank contends that he kept a low profile while attending BYU only occasionally going out with other men. Despite his cautiousness however, he said he was called in .  “They had notarized statements detailing my whole life,” he said. “Even things I said on the phone to a Gay friend were quoted.”  Frank believes a former roommate tuned him in, though he can’t prove that. Frank believes the only reason he escaped expulsion was through the influence a relative had with a member of the schools board of trustees. Some homosexuals from BYU frequent a Gay support group (Wasatch Affirmation) in Salt Lake City headed by Russ Lane.  Lane who says he is a returned Mormon Missionary, himself, said most of the BYU Gays in his group “live a moral life.”  “I know many gays whose just want to meet a R.M.” he said. “We’re not perverts, we’re not weirdoes. We’re just people who happen to love people of the same sex.”  Some feel trapped at BYU saying they didn’t realize their sexual preference until they are well into their college careers. And while they admit they could transfer to a less conservative school, they fear losing Credit hours in the process. ”A lot of BYU courses are not accepted at other colleges,” Glen said. Also stories abound about how Gay students have been have been kicked out of school and are then given F’s for their courses. The subsequent damage to the grade point averages made it difficult to get accepted elsewhere.  Glen said. Richards doesn’t put much stock in such stories.  I don’t think BYU would put itself in that legally vulnerable situation. You can’t be giving F’s because someone has a certain life style.” He said. Duane (Dawson) an employee at a Salt Lake City hospital, who says he was expelled from BYU in 1983, said a dangerous myth is forced on many homosexuals students by some church leaders. ”They tell you ‘You’ll meet some sweet little woman, go to the Temple, get married, and all your problems will be over,’ Well it just doesn’t work that way.” (11/15/86 SLTribune C3)

 16 November 1986 Sunday

I hadn’t felt real great all day and kind of planned on spending most of the day alone typing up my poems when Brook Hallock dropped by about two-thirty in the afternoon. I invited her to dinner and we just walked over to Dee’s Restaurant on 4th South where we visited and got better acquainted with each other.             She said she couldn’t believe that I was an Eros Mania since she didn’t think men were capable of Eros Mania. She’s really intrigued with me because of it. I read to her some of my poetry I am working on and solicited some feedback from her since she received a degree in English Literature. After I told her about my failed love affair with John Cunningham from 1969, she surprised me and said she’d like to write a book on that relationship.             We ended up not going to Affirmation but visited until nearly eight-thirty at night when she left for home. About an hour later Fran showed up on the doorstep with Frances Walling with whom she has been staying. We caught up on what’s going on with us with Fran. She’s working now for the IRS down in Provo. While they were here Affirmation must have gotten over because Brad Townsend and Mike Anderson dropped by too to just visit. When Fran left, I kissed her goodbye and cried a little. I’m not sure why.

Additional Material

Health Department Plans Guidelines on Workers AIDS (SLTribune G7-6)

STAYING OUT OF HARM’S WAY by Ben Williams Streams of hard water beating down upon my head, Spraying, spurting, spewing, steamy streams water, hot, I’m engulfed in a liquid veil, a liquid net, Staying in my watery world, it’s all I got, I’m feeling nothing at all but the steady spread, Of water pouring over me helping me to forget, Tired of hurting and trying always him to please, I’m weary of crying, the soothing helps me rest, Warm soothing water, drip, drip dripping down my cheeks, In a pool of water, knees pulled tight to my chest, Slipping down to the tiles, my chin resting on my knees, Naked wet, wanting to scream, trying not to weep, Come water, come now, wash away my dreary tears, Mingle with water salty coming from my eyes, I’ll sit still and bask in the waters feeling warm, And stay in my shower where no one sees me cry, No one sees my naked soul bared in here, Here alone it’s safe. Here he can do me no harm.

 17 November 1986 Monday

After work I borrowed the company car and I went to Cahoots to buy Russ Lane a birthday present. I bought him this cute card with a sexy guy on it, a Chippendale Calendar for 1987, some male magazines, and a birthday cup cake.             I brought them upstairs to him about 7:30 to wish him a “Happy Birthday Eve”. I didn’t know if he had birthday plans for tomorrow so I wanted to catch him home tonight. After inviting me in I gave him a body massage and rubbed him down with Vick’s Vapor Rub since he said he was coming down with a cold. After having him all rubbed down, I just held Russ in my arms and said that I’m glad that I’m the person you are spending your last night with in your twenties. We just held each other, cried a little, and laughed a little. I do love Russ. 

 18 November 1986 Tuesday

It rained for much of the afternoon but glad it didn’t snow. In the evening, I just stayed home and typed some more on my poems. Later Russ Lane came downstairs for me to take a picture of him with some roses someone had sent him for his birthday. Today is Russ Lane’s 30th birthday.             I made him a big pot of chicken and dumplings, which he tells me, is his favorite thing that I cook. So I supposed he had a nice birthday.             At nine I went out with Jon Butler to Dee’s on 4th South to meet up with some guys from the Salt Lake Men’s Choir. I went mainly hoping to see Rand Barker, but alas the cute thing wasn’t there, so I sat with Jim Pincock and flirted with him. I felt so much like Scarlett O’Hara at the Barbeque. Fiddle dee dee.

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SENSELESS  by Ben Williams To sleep, It keeps me from thinking of you To sleep, it can’t keep me from dreaming of you Awake. It takes All I can do to keep on trying Awake. I’m blue. Can’t take feeling like crying To Eat. No treat. Just have no desire. Can’t even chew To drink. No wine on ice or on fire for me will do My Friends. Console. Sweetly they try. But in vain My Friends. Control my sunken feelings. I’m in pain

 19 November 1986 Wednesday

What are my feelings? I am missing Billy Bikowski so much I can hardly stand it. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days and that may not sound like a big deal to some but when you are in love like I am I need to talk and hear from him every day. His phone is disconnected so I can't get a hold of him and James Conrad said that Bill wasn’t at his art night class so I don't know how he is. Part of me says to let him go entirely because I can't be mooning over someone who cares so little for me. While I really do love Billy, I've got to find someone new.             Craig Hunter gave me his new work number at the Utah Department of Social Services. He’s in the secretary pool there. I talked to Craig some more about forming a Church of Christ here in Salt Lake, since nothing here seems to be meeting our needs now. So I will see what happens. Brook Hallock wants to line me up with Mel Baker, the radio host of Concerning Gays and Lesbians when he gets back from the Great Peace March, It rained for much of the morning but later the weather cleared up and it became a pretty day. After work I walked down to the Crossroads Urban Center to facilitate another meeting of Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians (MADGAL). It was a smaller group this time perhaps five people. Brook Hallock led the meeting and while it was interesting it was a bit too cerebral, I thought. I wanted to deal with Gay issues, emotional issues, not theories, leave that for the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. Oh well. Brook Hallock said she and Nancy Perez will be over for sure for Thanksgiving as will be Mark Lamar and his lover Bill Cowsert. I might have about 15 people here in this tiny place. If my front room is 12 feet by 12 feet I will be surprised. I am tired so will just go to bed. The Pretenders have a great song out right now, “Don’t Get Me wrong.” It’s wonderful and captures what Billy Bikowski does to my heart.  “Don’t get me wrong If I’m looking kind of dazzled I see neon lights When ever you walk by Don’t get me wrong If I am acting so affected I’m thinking about the fireworks That goes off when you smile. Once in a while Two people meet Seemingly for no reason They just past on the street. Suddenly thunder Showers everywhere Who can explain? The Thunder and the rain It’s something in the air.”

Additional Material

The Great Peace March for Global Nuclear disarmament was a 3,200 mile trek cross country media event from Los Angeles California to Washington D.C. It began March 11, 1986 but after two weeks PRO-Peace, the sponsoring organization collapsed. The Marchers reorganized and found new sponsors and finished the “Consciousness wave” November 15. Thousands of people across America participated in the Great Peace March.

 20 November 1986 Thursday

Today is Grandma and Grandpa Johnson’s 65th wedding anniversary. That is really amazing! I wonder what they did for it. If anything, I am sure J.W. and Pauline arranged it. Today at work Tony Scarborough and Paul Brown started calling each other fag. Paul is so latent. It’s pathetic. I called Billy Bikowski finally at Granite Mill because I haven’t heard from him in so long. He was there working and said he was doing okay. That’s when I got angry. If he’s okay and nothing’s wrong then he’s a real bastard for not keeping in touch with me.  He knows how I feel about him. He said he would drop by tonight about seven-thirty and I said “fine”. I spent the evening cleaning the place. I am finally getting over my cold. I sat down and watched some TV, mainly Cheers, and typed up some poems. In fact to tell the truth I kind of forgot that Bill said he was coming over! At 9 tonight, I hear a knock on my door. "Well as I live and breathe, if it isn't Billy Bikowski". All charm, wide smile, boyish sex appeal oozing out of every pore. I said, "Come on in" and he apologized for being so late. I said I didn't realize that you were. In fact I had forgotten that you were even coming over." But I was still upset that he hasn't called me in over a week. He thought I was mad just for being late. He tried to charm me. It didn't work. He made some jokes. I was ice. He drew some stupid pictures. I stayed safely aloof. He could not touch me. I was insulated from his tricks. I had a “charm proof” vest on. Even when he did as his last resort, a patronizingly hug, flapping about like some fucking penguin instead of holding me, I was not moved. I was British. He knew it too and he tried flapping all around trying to bring my Jericho Walls down but I was impenetrable. He didn't know what to do next because none of his tricks worked this time. Nothing was working for him so he retreated into laughter and the absurd and after an hour of him making a fool out of himself he left. I did not get up to see him out. I did not say goodbye. And most importantly I did not cry. I went to my room and wrote a poem "I'm Sorry But I Am Over You", which eventually became my poem BON APPETITE.

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BON APPETITE by Ben Williams I am sorry, but I am over you. Really came as a surprise to me too. I didn’t love you at first sight like they say. But I do remember clearly that day. First saw you there in the park on your bike. My heart sang and I knew, you, I would like. I really thought that my feelings would last. But that was summer and summer has passed. I thought I’d love you then and forever, That my devotion for you would never Diminished, only grow more and more strong. Now I’m sad it didn’t last all that long. How did it just end? My love was so true. Perhaps it was the night when I was blue And you never called to visit or talk. Or when you and I stopped going on walks Perhaps it was when it dawned on me How low on your list of priorities, I was. Did you think I’d always be there. Waiting Did you think I would always care? I did. Even when home missing your face, Knowing others were there taking my place. Really amazes me, my love could be gone. I thought the hurt would just go on and on. Once too often, you did me a slight wrong. Loving one too many, stringing me along With a wisp of a smile and twinkling eyes And promises to stop making me cry. I do care for you. Don’t want you to be hurt But time will dish out your just desserts. I am sorry but I am over you. It came as a real surprise to me too.

MORMON BOY by Ben Williams It’s so very hard I know to lose all you had. Your friends in the Ward all think you’ve gone bad. That’s all they can see. More the Pity There’s no joy in wishing you’d finished your mission. But life is Celestial, yes loving a terrestrial Bad boy like me. Even Me. Mormon Boy. Don’t be Coy. I’ll love you for life. You won’t need a plural wife Or the Book of Mormon, for the love we’re performing. We’ll rise above the blithering rest I know we will be blissfully blest. Man is that he might have joy. Mormon Boy, Don’t cry anymore. Be glad they’ve shut the door. They can’t do you anymore harm, Sheltered here in my arms, It’s only a ploy Mormon Boy Living here in a city of hers and hims, Though it’s painful for the church’s whims, Of our kind of love they condemn, To destroy, Mormon Boy. But Let’s walk up to the temple gate, Wherein they’re taught to hate. There’s no special room for us. No Justice. Just prejudice.  Although it annoys Mormon Boy To our own queer love, we must be true. Even if they, our fellowship, withdrew. Slowly we’ll become our own holy of holies, A strong alloy, Mormon Boy, So please stop weeping, no more crying. For here we’ll make our own perfect Zion, We will make our own way There’s no shame in being Gay. Yes in truth This is the Place When Wrapped in an eternal embrace. My sweet Mormon boy

 21 November 1986 Friday

            At work Bob Elcock was off on vacation so it was a fairly nice day. Brent Greenwood, who was left in charge, and who is good to me, said I could borrow the company car for the weekend! I couldn’t find the keys for the Chevette so I took the Honda.             Utah Title gave each of us a $15 gift certificate to buy a turkey at Smiths. That was neat and I will buy my Thanksgiving Dinner Turkey!            In the evening I drove over to Slouvakis on 3rd West for some great Greek food and then to Backstreets and the Deerhunter. I needed to get out of my apartment because I was feeling edgy. I’ve been bitchy and sharp with people. I am on the edge. I think it’s from having seen Billy Bikowski.  I went by myself because I wanted to meet some new people however I only saw Ken Bruck at Backstreet. It was really slow hardly anyone was there. So we danced together. About ten-thirty or eleven I left to go over to the Deerhunter and it was packed. I saw Jon Butler there getting sloshed, drinking beer. I could only talk to him over his shoulders because the place was so jammed. I only had two coolers all night because I knew I’d be driving the company car home. I kind of wanted to pick someone up to bring home with me but then again I didn’t either. I want more permanence in my life then just a one night stand. I want someone who wants me, not just for easy sex. I think the fear of AIDS has really cooled my ardor somewhat. We are heading into the last month of autumn and still no real snow. Thank you oh controller of the Elements! It rained in the afternoon and around eight at night it even lightning and thundered! It then rained so hard, turning to sleet and slush as it being so cool that time of night.

Additional Material:

Iran-Contra Affair: National Security Council member Oliver North and his secretary started shredding documents implicating them in selling weapons to Iran and channeling the proceeds to help fund the Contra rebels in Nicaragua.

 22 November 1986 Saturday

I managed to sleep in until nine-thirty this morning and it felt so good.  Then I gathered up my past IRS forms and did my taxes up like I promised Fran.  I guess before they will permanently hire her they want to do a background check and audit and since we are still married that includes me too.            When I went out to go shopping I took Jon Butler down with me to this wholesale produce store on 4th West, and then later I took Russ Lane shopping. I also bought a 23 pound turkey at Smith’s Food King.  I just piddled around for much of the rest of the day. I made Russ Lane some more chicken and dumplings, and then went off to the Metropolitan Community Church dinner just briefly. I didn’t stay to eat but just to pop in and visit with folks. After I left, I drove down town to the Magazine Shop on Main and Broadway to look at some of the men magazines when Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis spotted me and came over to say hi. He told me that he was just on his way to The Sun on his temporary pass so I asked if he would sponsor me in. He said sure but first he had to stop by a straight friend of his.  I said I’d just go on down to The Sun and wait outside for him. But there, instead of waiting, I just asked some guy who was heading in to sponsor me and he did.             Inside I saw Jim Hunsaker dancing with someone I kind of knew, and then I asked Lyle Bradley from KSL to dance which we did for a while until Jim came and joined us. Lyle saw some other friends and took off with them so Jim and I danced the rest of the night, almost every dance, until 12:30 when the place began to close. Now back to standard time the bars shut down at 1 in the morning.  Don’t ask me why.             I was just soaking from sweat, actually drenched, because it was so crowded and warm inside the bar. Besides I had been drinking a lot of liquids because of my cold so I probably lost a lot of fluids that I’d stored up.             After The Sun closed, I was too keyed up to go home. Jim Hunsaker and I went with Lyle Bradley to Denny's on 5th South for a late night snack. I just had tea. There Jim started talking about Billy Bikowski after I had mentioned that I was breaking up with him. Jim said "Good" and I said why? Jim said that Billy had made a lot of enemies in the Gay Community. I said that's not the Billy I know.   Then Jim changed the subject and said “let’s do Brunch!”

Additional Material:

Scatman Crothers, American actor, musician, born 1910, best known for his performance in The Shining died.

"Human” by Human League is number one song on national charts.

An Interfaith Worship & Pot Luck was held in salt Lake City.  Wasatch Affirmation, Salt Lake Affirmation, Dignity, and Metropolitan Community Church held its second annual service held at the Metropolitan Community Church 823 South 699 East.

 23 November 1984 Sunday

I was up at ten-thirty this morning and still dragging from not going to bed until three. The only reason I did get up was because Jim Hunsaker proposed that we do brunch today. I decided to ask him over for breakfast instead of going out. I fixed a big Southern style breakfast of bacon, eggs, hash browns, biscuits, and milk gravy, served with hot tea and orange juice. Jim came over about a quarter to noon and stayed until two. He came over for Brunch because he wanted to hear my poems however eventually we ended up discussing Billy Bikowski.  Jim said that Billy's made a lot of enemies in the community especially of Jim and Graham Bell. Jim is still resentful and unforgiving that Billy was fooling around with Jim and Graham at the same time last spring. Well I said to Jim that while I can't always excuse Billy's abominable insensitivity to people, I can understand that he's in a lot of pain and that that pain spills over and sometimes people close to him can get hurt too. Billy is a walking wounded, and he's bleeding emotionally. We all are. He needs compassion, and love and some understanding even though he wants to be punished. I cannot punish Billy. I can only love him. Jim then said that if I really wanted to make Billy angry just say that I heard that Billy went down on so and so. I guess that's because Billy won't do French Active just passive. Anyway Jim liked my poems and said that I should publish them. After Jim left, I spent a lazy day until later in the late afternoon I walked up to the U of U to get out of the apartment. I needed to walk off some of my edginess.  I went to the sauna in the men’s locker room in the HPER where a lot of guys were cruising. I met a man named Darryl who’s a teacher originally from New York. He moved here for the skiing. We had a brief encounter because I’ve been horny all weekend. When I left the U it was almost dark.  I wanted to see Billy since he's been on my mind so much and because I was preoccupied with him for most of the day. So coming down from the U, I walked to his apartment and I was going to knock when I heard Richard Lamborn talking through the door. They were laughing and having a good time so I just stood outside listening for an opportune time to knock. I didn’t know whether I should disturb them or not. Then hearing them laugh so much, I got emotional and thought how Billy dare have a good time, have fun, when I'm so miserable. How dare he have fun without me? Crazy I know. Isn't love a state of insanity? Anyways I finally did ring the bell and Bill invited me in. I said I could only stay a few minutes. I told him that I didn't appreciate his phone messages and then I started to leave. He then said to me meekly "I guess I forgot what kind of relationship we have", and I said, "So I noticed." and I left.

Additional Material-

QUESTIONS by Ben Williams Are our ancestors proud of us though dead gods they may be? Does Buddha serenely sit beneath a sacred bodhi tree, Crossing and uncrossing his supple legs so leisurely?  While meditating wearing a smile contemplatively? Is Krishna eternally happy chanting while dancing Is being Hindu that sublime and Nirvana so enchanting? While smelling of sandal wood, saffron and incense? Are we just a drool in a pool of slime or reincarnating essences? Is Gansha the elephant headed god the one and true? Is god a hummingbird flittering over fields of cloves and dew. Didn’t god send his baby son to die for fiend and friend? Do you really believe that God was ever a bearded man? Is not god a Nicene Triune Father, Son and Holy Ghost? Tell me of whom of these ethereal three do you love the most? Did He ever for our sins shed a multitude of tears and cry  Did god allowed his only beloved son for us to bleed and die? Does the mother of god dress in blue while holding the holy child? How could the world upon Mary’s son, spit, curse, and revile He who suckled softly on Mary’s tits, so sweetly and so pure He who came to salve this sphere and all its tribulations cure? Well they also spit upon you and me, I for sleeping with men For this I am to burn forever, eternally be condemned. And you for devouring the flesh of shell fish and swine. Does god really care what you eat or that you drink a little wine? Augustine the very naughty Saint  of heaven once wrote, Only shine for those who study god’s words and recite it by rote Upon those hallowed streets of amber, I surely will not trod Nor reside in the unblemished golden palaces of the City of God, Does Christ delight in colored glass and saintly statues of marble? Delight in Papal princes adorned in purple and trimmed in sable? Is God a Calvinist god preferring  hard wooden bare floors, Knowing who and who is not saved from times before Does God want all His chapels unadorned, plain and austere? Cold pews, filled with mostly with cold hearted dour peers The Bible denounces, so  says the pious  who moralize: “No Jew or Queer can be saved” These are more or less the lies That Southern Baptists preach, teach, shout, rant and rave While all the while knowing their ancestors had owned black slaves. But we can be saved, if we only we pay modern tele-evangelists Our “love offerings”, then perhaps by their prayers, they insist With faith and the shedding of a thousand remorseful tears By Grace alone can we be saved, the Jew, Pagan, and Queer. Does your god have a prophet and does this prophet speak to him? Is your god consistently changing, rearranging on every whim? Is Joseph’s god a loving, smiling  heavenly father there? Do you believe in plural gods forever coming in pairs? A godly stud in heaven, telling a multitude of misleading lies  Begetting and begatting a myriad of endless spirit lives From a multitude of wives, of whom he must constantly be in bed. Or is Joseph’s God a philander like he who he had misled? Do you pay a Mormon tithe, have completed a Mormon mission? Is your patriarch so repressed? He’ll love you only on condition? Yes Never smoking, never drinking, avoiding all caffeine? God has time to test your faith by the means of a coffee bean. So Is the prophet a holy man in all god’s good pleasure he seeks? I wonder why god thinks this wicked world is even wanted by the meek?

 24 November 1986 Monday

Billy’s friend Richard Lamborn sat next to me at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union tonight and he was picking out guys who he thought Billy would be attracted to. Is he nuts to be saying that to me? Doesn't he know how deeply I'm in love with Mr. Bikowski? I can't believe that Richard would be pointing out guys to whom Billy would be attracted. I can understand rationally that Billy is not attracted to me but it still hurts me emotionally.  Richard must not have a clue how I feel about Billy or he wouldn’t have said what he did to me knowing that it would hurt me. The Lesbian and Gay Student Union’s meeting’s topic was on a holistic approach to AIDS recovery. This kid named John Gatzemeier spoke. Some woman in California named Louise something or another is promoting the idea that AIDS can be cured by self love.  Gatzemeier believes that maybe Gay self hatred is the cause of the disease. God knows we are taught to despise our nature constantly.  I guess if I love myself enough I will not die from the disease by keeping my chin up and take herbs. Well there’s nothing else out there. I met Mel Baker, the host of Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union this evening. Brook Hallock wanted him and me to get together and while I think he’s brilliant, and his politics are like mine, he’s just not my type. I’m not attracted to him, and as I told Brooke, it doesn’t matter whether he’s attracted to me or not-it’s whether I’m attracted to him. And I’m not. Besides Billy Bikowski is still way too much in my system to even start dating other guys. I’m glad I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union but I was really tired from staying up so late last night. Richard Lamborn took me home from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I am feeling so melancholic. So blue. I really believe it’s the blues. Mike Anderson didn’t come with me this evening because he went to see “Gypsy” performed at East High with some of his friends from the Salt Lake Acting Company.  He’s in rehearsals for Saturday Voyeur.  He had stayed at my place all day while I was at work and even borrowed some of my clothes to go the play. It’s fun that I share clothes and sizes with a 22 year old. It’s like doubling your wardrobe. Russ Lane came over to do his ironing on my ironing board and to watch some porno films while I was at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I saw that the Affirmation Ad got placed in the Chronicle today so Russ was all jazzed about that. I feel so bloated and unloved. I am not happy right now and I know it’s because I am plain tired! I need to get to bed. I'm feeling again that the people I love, don't love me and the people that love me I'm not attracted to. I feel like I'm going to cry tonight. I want to cry but I can't because I don't know what I'd be crying over. Am I still crying over Billy? Aren't I all cried out over him? Is it Russ Lane? John Cunningham? Fran? Sam? Toby? Sweet dear Toby. He loved me and even more so he loved Sam. I’m crying now as I am writing this because it has hit me like a wave that I put to death two creatures who loved me so totally and devotedly, and I miss them so much. I just want to hold them and have them next to me again. I’ve paid a terrible price for my freedom. I am tired of loving too much. It’s not mentally healthy. Perhaps it’s time to go on another retreat.  Time to regroup. To seek serenity. Serenity. Bill Bikowski is dangerous to my mental health. Please, please help me let him go.  Billy if you think that another one can love you better, than I’m not the one and as Bobby Vee said, “Run to him.” My tears will dry. And give him all your devotion. “If you want me darling I will hold you ‘til your life is done but darling if I’m not the one, run to him.” The weather is absolutely wonderful for November if that’s any consolation. I’ve decided to go home to Garden Grove for Christmas. Mom wanted me to come and even was willing to pay for some of the fare. I was kind of putting off going home and facing the music. But I’d rather go now and get it over with.

Additional Material-

John F Gatzemeier  a Utah Native, died of AIDS at the age 43 on 19 July 1995 in Los Angeles, California. He was born 8 September 1951.

Louise Hay, Southern California native, in 1984, wrote You Can Heal Your Life. Louise explains in her book how beliefs and ideas about our selves are often the cause of our emotional problems and physical maladies and how, and by using certain tools, we can change our thinking and our lives for the better. You Can Heal Your Life reached the New York Times bestseller list and remained on it for 12 consecutive weeks. In 1985, Louise Hay began a support group called "The Hayride," with six men diagnosed with AIDS. By 1988, the group had grown to a weekly gathering of 800 people and had moved to an auditorium in Santa Monica with followers in most major cities including Salt Lake City. It was during this time that she wrote The AIDS Book: Creating a Positive Approach, based on her experiences with this powerful group.

 25 November 1986 Tuesday

I spent much of the evening baking for Thursday’s dinner. I made two pumpkin pies, 2 pecan pies, and 2 loaves of Date Nut bread. Mike Anderson came over while I was baking and we watched movies on his VCR player. What a great invention! We watched The Heiress, starring Olivia De Havilland. I loved it. “How Could you be so cruel?” “I was taught by masters.” It made me sad that even through all her growth and strength, she turned hardened.  We also watched the Life and Times of Harvey Milk. It made me cry and I truly understand why he’s a symbol for Gay Pride. I agreed totally with that English professor who proclaimed that the candlelight vigil after Milk’s death was the most eloquent expression to a tragic act of violence ever expressed by a community. It made me proud to be Gay. It was fun watching movies and having Michael and Mr. Pibbs over. Mike brought his pup Mr. Pibbs over with him and it was wonderful having the little fur ball running all through the house. He’s some kind of shaggy poodle mix. It made me miss Toby so much though. I’ve got to stop wanting to cry every time I think of him but simply remember the good times and how sweet he was, and how his life would have ended in October of 1980 if not for Fran and I saving him and taking him with us to Montana. Billy Bikowski left another one of his bizarre messages on my recorder. And why does he call me when he knows I'm not home, the jerk. I don't know if he's coming for Thanksgiving or not now. It’s not like Billy to pass up a free meal. That's mean. And not true. The weather is still holding up with no snow.

Additional Material:

Iran-Contra Affair: U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese announced that profits from covert weapons sales to Iran were illegally diverted to the anti-communist Contra rebels in Nicaragua.

 26 November 1986 Wednesday

Work went okay and I wished everyone a Happy Thanksgiving before going home. I talked to Billy Bikowski today and he is coming over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am thankful for that. In the evening I cleaned my house and rearranged the furniture for tomorrow and while I was doing so, Billy dropped by around 7:30 this evening and we visited for a while. It was kind of strange. I didn't know how to feel. I love him so much. I just want to hold him and take care of him and to be with him. He said that he was in an accident with his van and while no one was hurt he said that he did about $900 worth of damage to someone else's car and Billy has no insurance. There’s nothing I can do for him. He must make his own way.             I didn’t go to bed until 2 in the morning.  I was so tired but had to get the place clean for tomorrow. I moved all my furniture around so I can fit everyone in comfortably in my small place. I am so tired. I finished making the cornbread stuffing and other goodies for the dinner. I put the Turkey on to cook about 1 and will just let it cook throughout the night on a low temperature.             I am on the pity pot a little bit thinking why isn’t someone helping me? It’s so much work but it must be done. Tradition!

Additional Material:

Iran-Contra Affair: U.S. President Ronald Reagan announced that as of Monday, December 1 former Senator John Tower, former Secretary of State Edmund Muskie, and former National Security Adviser Brent Scowcroft will serve as members of the Special Review Board looking into the scandal. They became known as the Tower Commission. Reagan denied involvement in the scandal.

 27 November 1986 Thursday Thanksgiving

I woke up about eight this morning and checked the Turkey. It was just doing fine. I finished cleaning, polishing, and vacuuming the place.  Then I started cooking some more. Mike Pipkin called about nine and said that he didn’t have to work today because he quit his job, so I said come on over and help me get dinner on.  He was company for me too. About one this afternoon the guests started arriving. They were Mike Anderson, Jon Butler, Billy Bikowski, Helen and her husband Tony and their twin boys Matt and Jonathan, Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez, Curtis Jensen, these strays Richard, Randolph and another boy whose name I’ve forgotten already and with Mike Pipkin and me, we had about 15 people show up actually for dinner. Others dropped over later in the evening to watch Gay movies. Billy Bikowski was on time and the main person I wanted over. For dinner we had a 23  pound turkey, cornbread dressing, giblet gravy, turkey gravy, mashed potatoes, Candied Yams, a  Corn soufflé, green beans, yellow squash, cranberry sauce, olives, rolls, pickles, relish sticks, punch, pumpkin and pecan pies. So we had a lot of food and if anyone went hungry it was their own fault. The get together was fun and Mike Anderson had us playing games and watching some of his videos he brought with him.  We watched some cartoons, the Honeymooners, and a really campy movie classic The Women. We kept wriggling our fingers in Joan Crawford fashion saying “Jungle Red” as if we had on red nail polish. After the Lesbians, and Helen and her family left, we broke out some Gay films and had some wine coolers. Billy Bikowski enjoyed himself I think and late in the afternoon he lay down on my bed and took a nap. I followed him, a little tipsy, and lay down beside him. I love his form next to me and his touch; the feel of his breath on the back of my neck as he sleeps.  When he left in the evening to go see friends in Ogden, the party was over then for me. He truly lights up my life. Still it was a fun day but I am really, really exhausted looking at a pile of dishes and left over food. I am going to bed.

 28 November 1986 Friday

I got paid today $540 and during lunch I asked Mike Anderson to take me up to Spartacus Travel Agency to buy my ticket to California. A round trip cost $178 so I guess I am coming home for sure on the 23rd of December, in less than a month. I was really tired today from the entire hullabaloo from yesterday. When I came home from work I spent most of the evening cleaning the apartment and doing up the dishes. Around 9 tonight Billy Bikowski dropped in to tell me about the filming of his TV presentation at some gallery. He was lonely for Rich­ard Lamborn, I think, who is leaving Salt Lake for Rochester New York and for Jim Rinaldi who’s gone to San Francisco for the holidays. I guess that just leaves me. I gave Billy a massage and fussed over him. I know I shouldn't have but I can't help my feelings. I just enjoy being with him so much. I wish he enjoyed being with me just half as much. I was really tired from cleaning up from yesterday and I curled up on the couch with my head in Billy's lap and tried to sleep some as he watched TV until about 2 in the morning. I then tried to get him to come to bed with me but he was adamant about sleeping in the front room so I went to bed without a fight. I was too tired. Let him do as he will. He was in a real peculiar mood tonight. I know he was wanting to have sex but at the same time he didn’t and I was too tired to seduce him so he wouldn't feel guilty. It's hard to explain. I don't know what I feel.

 29 November 1986 Saturday

I got up about 8 this morning and was still tired, so I went into the front room and pulled the covers back over Billy and he said for me to come sit by his side so I did. I just want to kiss him and hold him in my arms. I want to take care of him and for him to love me. As we began to come to life, I fixed us a breakfast of French toast, eggs, and hash browns. I wanted to watch PEE WEE HERMAN at nine but they moved his show up an hour to 8. So instead I watched a little Saturday morning TV with Bill until we got cleaned up. I asked Billy if he would take me to Sears on State Street and 8th South, which he did. I wanted to buy a new ribbon for my typewriter and while there I flirted with this cute guy named Douglas. He acted Gay but don’t know if he was or not. Afterwards, Bill and I also dropped by Deseret Industries on 7th South where I bought a pair of pants for $2 and Billy bought some electrical things. Billy just dropped me off at the apartment after going to D.I. and went on home to his place. The weather in the morning was absolutely gorgeous and it must have been at least 60 degrees. But later, after Billy left and I was getting up from a nap in the afternoon, I saw that it was raining but hey better then snow. I spent the rest of the day alone and did some phone calling. I called Mom to let them know when I was coming home. She said that Dad and she are serious about selling the Dale Street place and moving out of Orange County. I wonder how I will feel when they do? I then called Fran and she said she had a nice Thanksgiving at the Suazos.             I watched the Golden Girls and some other TV this evening, whiling typing up my poems. It was a real quiet kind of day. No one called except for Mike Anderson earlier this morning and I wasn’t home at the time. It’s kind of a funny feeling this solitude.  I am still really tired even after the three hour nap I took this afternoon. It’s probably really good for me to stay home and rest for a change.

Additional Material:

Cary Grant, British and Hollywood Legend, born in 1904, died. One of Hollywood’s greatest screen stars playing in screwball comedies to Hitchcock thrillers. Always debonair he was reported to have been at least bi-sexual with a romantic friendship with cowboy star Randolph Scott before they became huge personalities. He was discovered by Mae West who gave Grant his first screen role.

"You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi number one song on national charts.

 30 November 1986 Sunday

It’s the last day of the month and it zoomed by. I spent a quiet Sunday at home alone for most of the day. I went to the store twice, once to get groceries, and the second time to get some Christmas Decorations for a cake I wanted to bake. I made a candy cane house which took up most of my afternoon. Mike Pipkin dropped by for a little while and I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving but he’s already has a new boyfriend. The most exciting news of the day was from a phone call I received from Dave Reed.  He said that he read my poem that was printed in the December issue of the Triangle magazine!  I was so excited that they printed it. It’s exciting to see one’s work in print! Dave said he enjoyed it. I went to Affirmation with Billy Bikowski and since it was the 5th Sunday in this month we just played games. Billy and I played scrabbled even though I hate it. I just wanted to be with Bill. I kept spelling out words like Penis, Sex, Butt, etc for which I wasn't getting any points but it was fun shocking Billy.  I hadn’t been to Affirmation in a while and people said they missed me. It was good to see some of the old faces. Before taking me home, Billy asked me to go with him to Beauchaine’s opening of The Gingerbread House Cafe tomorrow on 5th South and 5th East. What’s new with me? My feelings for Billy are changing. Time is taking care of that. I am tired right now so won't try to analyze my feelings. I had a cold for much of November and was feeling slightly out of sorts.  Mike Anderson and I have really grown closer since Halloween.  He calls us “sisters” and he calls me nearly every day just to gossip and check up on how I am. “Sisters are doing it for them selves!”

Additional Material-

 Antonio A. Feliz and John R. Crane receive a joint revelation, now HT&P 45, which teaches that genuine consecration flows from Spirit‑directed sacrifice, warns against hollow offerings, extends the Law of the Gospel to full economic equality, calls the Saints to gather in one place, foretells the future ordination of seven High‑Priest Apostles, and charges the “watchmen” to spread the Kingdom and establish Zion through love and unity. This section was presented for canonization, but not accepted.

GAY BAR BLUES by Ben Williams Girl! Come over here! Have I got the dirt for you. Hell yes, that slut has been sleeping with you know who! And guess who I saw at the bar the other day? And he says he’s just curious, not really Gay. Who is he trying to fool? Certainly not me! When he goes into the John, it’s not just to pee. Do you know the queen over there, he’s got a wife! Got religion too! Jesus came into his life. But just between you and me, I know it’s a sin, Doesn’t he look a might peaky, just a might thin? And that asshole who use to be mine-over there, Yeah, the fucking mustache freak with the thinning hair. I know I’m an awful bitch for being so mean, He was such a lousy lay, but such a good queen! Girl, guess who’s been sleeping with so and so these days? Yes! Really! That’s right! And I know he has got AIDS! Oh I know that it’s true because I heard him say, In a meeting downtown, for drunks, you know A.A. Don’t you laugh but you know who I saw in the park? Said to him, “Trying to get a tan after dark?” And those young queens over there, trying to look straight, Pathetic! but the blond one, I’ll give him an eight. But the dark one is too tall and look at those arms, Just sticks and bones, but still, he has a certain charm. No I’m not drinking and take all those Quaaludes away, They’re causing me wrinkles and you know what they say. Where are you going girl? Got a bucket full more, Don’t get cute with me Bitch. We all know you’re a whore. So dearie, who was that trick you were with last night? Honey you can’t suck your thighs in. Stick with Bud Light. I’m telling you as a friend and you should be told, Nobody loves ya, if you’re too fat or too old. Oh I hear you got dumped last week by your new flame! He was neurotic, plain crazy! What was his name? You deserve better, but I doubt if ever you will. Especially the way you keep downing that swill. It’s so depressing day after day after day, Watching  these pathetic old men, who are all Gay. Look who is trolling! My God, I knew him back when! Well doesn’t he think he’s just a nine or a ten? Well Hon, got to go. Therapy is at two. The guys a jerk, but kind of cute. Eyes are blue Now what I just told you dear, I know it’s all true, After all, dear, remember? I heard it from you!

DECEMBER 1986

1 December 1986 Monday

I didn't go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union tonight but I did go to Beau Chaine's opening of the Gingerbread Cafe. Billy Bikowski was supposed to pick me up at six-thirty and finally at seven I called him because I was upset wondering where he was. I said to him, "Why aren't you over here?" and he replied” I thought it wasn't until nine.'" I then said, "Billy that really doesn't change anything. You knew I was expecting you at seven so why aren't you here or at least? Why didn't you call to find out what was going on? “Were you just going to keep me waiting for two hours?" Well he rationalized himself again and he said that he would be over at nine  and he was but I was silent on the ride over to The Gingerbread House. Once there I was in no hurry to go inside, so sitting in the darken car in front of Beau's place, Billy turned to me and said, "Do you ever want to scream?" and I said, "Yes." "Why don't you then?" he asked and I replied “because I can’t”. Then Billy asked me if I wanted to cry and I replied "Yes but I won't".  Billy then continued this asinine conversation by asking if I was hurt, and I said "No I think I'm more angry than hurt. But I don't know why.” I then told him “the only reason I am here with you is for Beau's gala opening because I don't have a good enough excuse for not being here. “Then I just quietly said, “I am tired, tired of the entire pretense that you love me. I am disappointed, and tired of being disappointed." At  which point I then jumped out of the car, put on a smile, and said after I left him sitting the car, "But the show must go on'.' So I ran into the Gingerbread House on 5th South, beaming and greeting everyone, all expecting Ben to be all smiles as usual. I did not show that deep inside, there is a tired boy who is tired of being disappointed by people he loves. Some people there, whom I was expecting to ask me to do something this weekend didn't, and that really stung. I think mainly due to my feeling that I am such a low priority in Billy's life.  I am hyper sensitive to my other friends not asking me over to do something. Jon Butler spent the weekend with Johnny Welch who is up from Southern Utah for the Holidays. Russ Lane never calls me unless he needs something. And I expect way too much out of Billy. I'm so depressed right now. I know Billy doesn't love me. Why do I put myself through this? I need to go on another retreat like last June. I need to be left alone for a while so I can figure out what to do with Billy. I need to get my head together. No more the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, Affirmation, Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians, or anything else for a while.

Additional Material-

Beauchaine’s Cabaret Corp., a non-profit organization opened a restaurant with a non-alcoholic atmosphere known as the Gingerbread House on 5th East and 5th South. It was to be a quasi-community center.

 2 December 1986 Tuesday

Fran called me this morning needing money. I got paid last Friday but I spent a lot of it already on rent and things. I did say I could let her have the $80 that  Mom sent me for my plane fare home. So basically I now paid for the trip home entirely. I put the money right into her checking account. What games am I playing with Billy? I want Billy yet I don't want Billy. I am so confused. I think mostly I don’t want the pain. "I haven't got room for the pain."

Additional Material-

Desi Arnaz, Cuban born band leader, actor, and producer died. Best known for his role as the long suffering husband of Lucy Ricardo on I Love Lucy. (1917-1986)

 3 December 1986 Wednesday

The weather is foggier and cooler than yesterday. Time is playing head games with me again. I don't know where I am going and time is passing so swiftly. It seems like time is just slipping away. During my lunch hour I walked downtown to Radio City Lounge to see if the Triangle Magazine has come out yet because I wanted a copy of my poems but they still haven't distributed them to the bars yet. The only one I have seen so far is the one Billy Bikowski showed me at Affirmation last Sunday. Anyways I saw Steve Oldroyd there and I had a drink with him and we visited. After work I walked down to the Crossroad Urban Center where we had our smallest meeting yet of Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. I am thinking of just letting the group dissolve itself but Derek Kaufman said that he would like to see the group continue so I said, "I will continue do this as a service to the Gay Community until I show up and find that I am the only one there. When that happens I'll know then that it’s time to move on to bigger and better things. I bought some incense at Golden Braid a New Age Shop. I like burning it in the winter time to mask the stale air of the rooms being shut up. I bought some Frankincense and White Jasmine. I really like the White Jasmine. Since Rand Barker and Adrian Ruiz aren't going to be able to go to Saturday Voyeur this time I asked Billy Bikowski if he would like to go and act as an usher with me, Derek Kaufman, and Russ Lane. He acted really excited and said it would be fun. I almost hesitated asking Billy because I was afraid that he would come up with a reason not to go and I didn't want to be disappointed again. I know this is crazy. My head. My head. what is going on in my head? I want to scream away my love for Billy if I could.  But he lights up the dark corners of my life for me. Whenever he enters a room, he shines like neon. He's a bright flashing comet. He is fireworks on a warm summer night. I love him so much. What am I to do? How to let him go? Break away? How to break away clean and painless? Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Just slowly dying of heartbreak

 4 December 1986 Thursday

Ten years ago Fran and I had are first date here in Salt Lake City. I am so depressed about the Holidays. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it is Fran and mine tenth anniversary coming up and this month is bringing back a lot of memories of lost illusions. I think too, I am depressed because I want to spend Christmas with Billy Bikowski but he's going home to Concord, New Hampshire and I'm going to Garden Grove, California. But hey, aren't you supposed to spend Christmas with the one you love? While watching TV in the evening Nancy Perez called me to visit and needing help regarding information on the house they are renting but which Nancy and Brooke Hallock are thinking of buying. Nancy is such a sweet lady and her demureness reminds me so much of my sister Donna. Later around 9 tonight,  I get a surprised visit from Duane Dawson and Scott Mills. I hadn’t seen the two of them in months. Scott too needed some information about the Condo that he's living in. I glad I am able to help.

Additional Material

Ben Barr, Greg Garcia, Bruce Barton, Bruce Harmon, Donny Eastepp, Curtis Jensen, John Sasserman, Beau Chaine, Michael Aaron, Graham Bell, David Nelson, Les Emmett, and another Gay man made up 13 Gay male community leaders who met to form what would become the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. Ben Barr of APU, along with Bruce Barton of the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church and Greg Garcia of Wasatch Leather Men, called for an organizational meeting to communicate better among each other. The previous Utah Community Service Center and Clinic failed to establish such a council in 1985.  The first meeting was held in the Fellowship Hall of the Metropolitan Community Church at 823 South 600 East.  Purpose of the group was to create a “United Nations” of Utah’s Gay interest groups. Representatives from  (John Cooper) Salt Lake Affirmation, (Ben Barr) AIDS Project Utah, (Donny Eastepp) Golden Spike Rodeo Association, (Curtis Jensen) Lesbian and Gay Student Union, (Bruce Barton) Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church, Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire, (John Sasserman) Triangle Magazine, (Greg Garcia) Wasatch Leather and Motorcycle Club and at least one Gay owned business, (Michael Aaron) Art Attack. Barton stated, “I see our organization as a loosely formed council that’s doing information sharing and keeping everyone updated.

Salt Lake City’s two bath houses, Club 14 and Jeff’s Gym (Club Baths) received notice from the Salt Lake City attorney, Roger Cutler, requesting that they cease doing business or face legal prosecution. “SLC believes each business constitutes a brothel as a place of lewdness assignation or prostitution.”  Bruce Baird, assistant city attorney handled the case.  Michael Morris was the manager of Jeff’s Gym. Monte Pease was the manager of Club 14 owned by Leo Busch. 

5 December 1986 Friday

Bob Elcock is such an ass at work. This morning he asked me if I was still interested in taking over the recording department and I said, "Not without some compensation." And that made him mad because he wanted me to take it over without a raise at the same salary I’m making now. Bull Shit. Anyways he then said, "I'm going to have to put you back in examining because I've decided to do away with the General Index computer department". I said, "Fine." That took the wind out of his sails and then I said, "Brent has already said that he wanted me to examine in the Second Mortgages department. ""That pissed him off because he wanted me to squirm but I saw this coming and already had my bases covered by talking to Brent Greenwood. I am only a fool in matters of the heart not the head. Then I also said, "If you put me back in examining, I will not examine and also be the computer expert too." He acted surprised and said, "Why not?" and I said, "Get real Bob. The other examiners don't even want to have to answer the phones and you want me to run all over this plant fixing every one's computer problem? I can't be trouble shooting everyone's problems and also be on production because you won't take it into account when my production is low because of all the work required on the computers."  And it’s true. Bob has no idea what my job description is because I created my own position and that is what really galls him. He doesn't have any real control over me. Bob would make a great shop steward but he's a lousy manager. I left in the afternoon to take the bus down to Midvale for my eye examination appointment at America's Best Contacts. I bought some extended wear contacts for $75 and with the contract it came to more than $125 but it’s worth having the insurance. The weather has been so wonderful lately that I wonder what's going on? It was in the high fifties today and it rained a little in the evening when Jon Butler and I went to Troy Nichol’s party. I was having some fun there visiting with all these straights, smoking a little dope, and drinking Tequila Sunrises until Tony Scarborough, my Arch-nemesis from work showed up. I couldn't let him get anything on me that he might use against me later at work, so I was on my guard for the rest of the evening. However  Jon and I didn't stay much after Steve Bundy and his fiancée showed up with Norene Hansen and her boyfriend Kurt. I don't like partying with people from work because I think it is wise to keep my private life and work life separate. At one point I said to Jon, after figuring out that we were the only Gays at Troy's party, that we better be good Christian Negroes and not get too uppity or they might turn on us. As long as we are straight acting we will be “Men” but as soon as we just be ourselves, and they find out, we will be 'those faggots'. So between Troy's very young straight macho shit friends and the people from work, I told Jon we ought to go. I said “I don't want to party with these people from work. They can't treat me like shit there and gossip and talk about me then expect me to party with them after work”. Forget it. I only came for Troy's sake because he’s about the only decent person I know at work. It's been a weird day. I am really missing Billy Bikowski but I am excited about tomorrow seeing him at Saturday’s Voyeur. It will sort of be like our first date. The first time we have ever gone out to see a show or play together. I want to build some memories with Billy that are not all melancholy.

 6 December 1986 Saturday.

As Evelyn Wambaugh wrote so aptly in Brideshead Revisited, "Another blow upon the bruise," and this time I don't think the victim will recover. Around one in the afternoon Billy Bikowski calls me and says "Ben something has come up. Something I can't get out of and I won’t be able to go tonight." My brain went numb and decorum kicked in and I said quietly, "It is a little short notice don't you think to be telling me now?" He said, "I am sorry". And I said, "Don't worry I’ll find someone to replace you." And then I hung up on him before he could say anymore. I wouldn't have been able to endure anymore. Billy wounded me in the heart. As far as I am concern, the only excuse he could possibly have for not going tonight was either someone in his family died or he had to go to jail.. There could be no other reason to justify his low regard for my feelings and my position of counting on him to usher with us tonight. I had no time to feel sorry for myself because it was paramount that I find a replacement for Billy. He had lamely suggested that I use Scott Wallendorf. Is Billy really that in sensitive or just ignorant? I just started dialing and I only able to find Alma Smith home and as it turned out today was his 33rd birthday so it turned out to be a neat experience for him so it worked out really nice after all but that still does not excuse Billy's actions. There's no excuse. It is just another nail in the coffin. I am such a low priority to him. I can't handle being the last on his list anymore. Not anymore. He has dealt me such a blow that I fear it may be fatal to our relationship. 'That's a laugh. What relationship? Doesn't a relationship imply that two people are involved? It's going to take a lot of love on Billy's part to make this one right and I’m afraid he just does not have it in him to give. Saturday Voyeur was magnificent and as much fun as the first time I saw it in November. Russ, Al; and Derek all really enjoyed the show immensely and I'm so glad Mike Anderson was able to get us in to the show. After the performance at the Salt Lake Acting Company theater, I went to Backstreet because I was so bummed out by Billy’s behavior, that Ass. I knew if I went home I would just cry, so I decided I needed to be with people. I needed to dance away some of the hurt. While at Backstreet, I ran into Brad Townsend who wanted me to meet a friend of his named Larry Beck. He's so cute and from Brea, California but supposedly he's straight. However I got him to go out on the dance floor with me. If he is straight then he's awfully curious. I also talked Larry into going to Denny's on 5th South after the bars closed for some tea. Denny's is where all the Gays go after the bars close to continue to visit. Ken Bruck saw us there and came over to join us at our table. It was good to have so much company to keep my mind off of what Billy did to me.

Additional Material

"The Next Time I Fall"  by Peter Cetera and Amy Grant is number one song on national charts.

 7 December 1986 Sunday

I did very little today, like I was still in shock. I felt numb. Elbert Peck didn't show up for our lunch date either. I wanted to visit with him some more and wanted him to meet Jon Butler. But since Elbert was a no show, I ate lunch with Jon and I told him what Billy had done and he said he was sorry. How many times has Jon had to say that to me this year? After Jon left, Brad Townsend dropped by and stayed with me for most of the evening. He could tell that I was really down. Then James Conrad came by with news that made my issues pale in comparison. He said that Frank and he were in a terrible car accident which put Frank in the hospital. Some crazy man drove head on into them at 80 miles an hour when they were coming back from visiting Frank's grandmother. The guy totaled James’ truck, put Frank in the Hospital, and he gets away without anyone getting a license number. Unbelievable! James is okay just stiff and really shook up. Something like that can really rob you of any sense of security in this old world. After James left, I stayed with Brad, watching Ingrid Bergman in her role as Anastasia, which was excellent. But I am too mentally tired to write more. Change, change, change. I want to scream but I am too tired. What is the old saying'? "Stop the world I want to get off." No. I am determined that my life is going to change and for the better. Every day in every way I am getting better and better.

 8 December 1986 Monday

I can't believe it but Billy had the nerve to call me on my recorder and leave the following message, "This is Bill. I am sorry I had to cancel last week. I'm tired of it. Goodbye. Oh. This isn't suicide. It's just that I'm tired of having to do this but I suppose it’s necessary. Anyways take care."

Additional Material-

Mitchell Roy Beauchaine  held a meeting at the Gingerbread House Café offering its use to as a mean of permanently establishing a Gay Community Center as part of the previous Utah Community Services Center and Clinic. He had reorganized the lapsed Community Service Center into the Cabaret Community Services an entity under the Cabaret Corporation and continued to operate the Gay Help line.

9 December 1986 Tuesday

Billy Bikowski called again today leaving this message, I guess because I wouldn't return his calls. "This is Bill Bikowski keeping in touch. Boy can I make some mistakes. Umm. I want to call you when you're there. I'll reach you later if you're willing to talk. I hope so. Bye." I was so depressed that Mike Anderson said I should get out of the house so we decided to go to the show. I wanted to see something light and perhaps a comedy to make me laugh like "Peggy Sue Got Married". Something like that. Instead Mike wanted to see David Lynch's "Eraser head" which was playing at the Blue Mouse. I found it to be one of the most dark and disturbed movie I have ever seen. It made my mood even blacker and I had to close my eyes and trying to sleep through most of it because it was very painful for me to sit there and watch the movie.

 10 December 1986 Wednesday

Billy Bikowski called again but this time I didn’t have my recorder turned on to screen his calls. I answered the phone not knowing it was him so we talked briefly. I was trying not to cry but I did say to Billy, "I just don't think you realize what you did." Then I told him that I wasn't able to talk to him right now and I hung up on him. I love that bastard so much and he holds me in such low regards.

 Additional Material 

 Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 46, commanding the Saints to (1) deepen unity and power by pondering past words and promptly obeying the Spirit, (2) dedicate Sacramento as the community’s spiritual center with a single Holy House and altar under a steward until a future temple is built, (3) let High‑Council decisions flow through proper priesthood quorums before reaching the Church, and (4) gather only as wisely directed through a bishop‑led council that practices common consent and consecration. Those who follow these patterns are promised added wisdom, love, and divine sustenance.

11 December 1986 Thursday

I have cried for the last five days. Sometimes I think I am going crazy. I will come home from work during my breaks fall into my bed and cry. Billy Bikowski has broken my heart and with all the shit I have to take at work I cry at a drop of a hat. I wonder if I am having a breakdown? Mike Anderson tells me he thinks Bill just wants me to stroke his ego and for me to let him go. My head is so messed up I can't even think straight. This week at work I have decided not to take over the recording department because I had such a bad feeling about it. So I said no to Bob Elcock and Gena. Gena was upset but in a way she deserves this for what she did to Russ Lane back in September.

 12 December 1986 Friday

I am slowly recovering. I stayed at work until six-thirty this evening trying to finish up some projects there and then I came home to my apartment to try and clean up my life. Before leaving work, Ron Howell the purchasing manager, confided in me that Bob Elcock wanted me to go back into searching because my production there was about twice what everyone else's is now. While that was a real boost to my ego it made me hate Bob Elcock even more because he makes it sound like he is putting me back in searching because I don't do anything. Before going home I got the extra computer terminal up and running just to show Bob up, but anyways enough of that nonsense. About 7 this evening, Fran shows up on my doorstep and I was so surprised. She said that she came up to attend a Single Women Meeting at the Metropolitan Community Church but since no one was there she dropped by. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to meet Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez which she did so we drove over there. However they weren't home and I really had to go to the bathroom so we went over to Backstreet’s to use the men’s room. Fran came into the bar with me and we saw Candy Steel there with her new lover and some other of her Lesbian friends. So we went over to their table and sat with them and had a few drinks. We also saw Eddie Muldong and Lynn LeMasters with Bob McIntier and Lynn's spouse Carol Dee. Fran and I danced a few of the dances, but she tired easily, not being in shape, but I danced most of the night with people I knew like Ken Bruck and Eddie Muldong. We had a lot of fun at Backstreet and Fran stayed up here in Salt Lake. She spent the night with me the first time since last August. It felt so naturally to hold Fran all night long. We stayed up late visiting. Fran said that she and Frances Walling got into a quarrel and have broken up their friendship and she came up to see me because she was feeling blue. Her emotional and physical relationship with Frances Walling came as a surprise to me but not a shock. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. Fran doesn't know if she is a Lesbian or the word she prefers, a Gay Woman, but she found her relationship with Frances very satisfying. She said it has helped her get over me and to fallout of love with me although she loves me and I love Fran. How very strange this year is turning out to be. I come out of the closet and Fran appears to be slowly following. Tomorrow this woman from Provo, Jennifer Triff is coming up from Utah County to go to Puss-N-Boots with Fran, to meet some of Fran's Lesbians friends. Fran says Jennifer is straight, just very open minded, and wants to see what Gay life is all about. Fran met Jennifer in a Divorce Adjustment Clinic in Provo where they became friends. Jennifer is the woman who got Fran a job at the IRS. I will probably go to Puss and Boots with Fran because I have never been there before and would like to see what it is like. What an interesting day and what an interesting revelation Fran has laid on me. So good to have Fran back into my life again.

Additional Material-

The Salt Lake Men’s Choir presented their traditional Christmas Concert at Bryant School.

Boy on Video Says He Was Forced to Have Sex (12/12/1986 SLTribune B-1)

13 December 1986 Saturday

My Saturday friend, or is it fiend, did it to me again. I must be totally, totally wacko to keep letting him do this to me. Fran spent the night with me and it felt good to have her back in my arms. It felt good to be holding her again. After ten years it feels kind of right. In the afternoon Fran took me down to pick up my contact lenses and it felt wonderful to have them again and not to have to wear glasses. Anyways we spent most of the day shopping and paying off bills and it was such a nice day out. I can’t believe the difference between this December and last year. When Fran's friend Jennifer Triff came up from Provo, Fran and she went over to Candy Steel’s, while I stayed home to watch the Golden Girls. Right afterwards, Billy Bikowski calls me and said we have to talk about what is going on between us. I said fine and I then told him without a shadow of a doubt about my feelings for him. I didn't play coy but laid it right out before him how much I love him and now it’s about time for him to do something about it. I said "You can't be hurting me anymore and I can't be a low priority in your life”. We talked until nearly ten when he said we should go out and do something together. I said “let’s go dancing at Puss-N-Boots" and he said that he didn’t feel comfortable there. Then I suggested Backstreet and he said that he didn't have any money for the cover. I said I had a dollar to get him in and he said that if I had a dollar he's rather go to Denny’s.  I said that was fine but I had to go to Puss–N-Boots first because I was committed to going with Fran and Jennifer. But I did say I’d be at Denny’s at midnight and I would then meet him there. Fran and Jennifer dropped by to pick me up to go to Puss-N-Boots and it was the first time I had ever been there. Its over on Redwood Road  and about 8th South. It was much larger then I had imagined and I got the feel of what it’s like to be a Lesbian in an Gay man’s bar because I was definitely in the minority. We met up with Candy and Kathy there and we danced a little before leaving about 11:45 so I could meet Billy at midnight. I met Billy at Denny's, a little after midnight, and we were able to sit in a secluded corner booth. As we began to talk we skirted every issue we could except that I did say to Billy that I was no longer going to be the passive one in this relationship because I've decided that if I want Billy I will have to fight for him and nothing yet I have tried has worked. Anyway it was a real power struggle for control between Billy and me as we discoursed into the morning. I bought Billy an appetizer plate of fried foods. Yuck. But that was what he wanted; anything for Billy. Later Rob Ivy from BYU and a friend of his joined us and we visited for a while. The problem with Rob is that he is good looking and he knows it. Anyway Billy wanted a Sundae without having to ask for one, so it became a power struggle over how to get him this fucking Sundae. I wanted him to have it but I wanted him to ask me for it. He wanted it but wanted me to buy it for him without him having to ask me. I knew exactly what was going on; such silly games. I wanted him to have one and he wanted one but he didn't want to relinquish control by having to ask for it and I didn't want to lose power by asking if I could buy him one. It took a half hour for us just to order a frigging Sundae. I was really enjoying just being with Billy and when he wanted to leave at 1:30 in the morning, I wasn’t ready to part, so I told him that I would meet him at his apartment. But while standing in the middle of Denny's parking lot, with his hands shoved into his pocket looking sheepish,  he had the nerve, the gall to tell me that he had a date with Jim Rinaldi at 2 this morning. I was stunned to the very core of my soul and my eyes just glassed over and with as much class as I could muster I said, "Have fun," and I walked away as fast as I could to my car. Billy called out after me frustrated, "Ben", but I lost it then. I swung around, gave him the finger, and took off in my car. I was in a heated blinding rage. My mind was reeling as I raced home not caring about traffic or street lights. Billy raced after me in his Volkswagen Rabbit and pulled between me and the backdoor entrance to my apartment, blocking my way inside. I had to go past him to get inside my building and as I did he said harshly to me, "Ben we are going to have to resolve our relationship.” I said with such anger, "I have. Goodbye" and then push myself past him into my building and Billy stormed off. I was so furious. For the very first time I was actually furious, not hurt, not disappointed but angry. I wanted to slap him, punch him in the face, or kick his ass or something, the bastard. How could anyone do something like this to anyone? How could he do this to me? I told him over the phone, "Don't hurt me" and even as we spoke he had a date with Jim Rinaldi,  while manipulating a dinner out of me. Knowing how I feel about him how could he think he could just slip away to Jim without me knowing? Fran was already in bed sleeping when I stormed in. I just curled up into her arms. I had such a fitful sleep for most of the night. I kept waking up wanting to scream. Wishing I could just get up, drive out to the Great Salt Lake and scream my love away and if that wouldn't work throw myself in.

Additional Material

"The Way It Is" by  Bruce Hornsby and The Range is number one song on national charts

  First men sealed together  in the Restoration Church – Ronald Socha and William Calhoun; John Crane and Thomas Gibby.

 Quarterly Priesthood Conference held in Los Angeles. 

14 December 1986 Sunday

What a roller coaster ride. Fasten your seat belts we are in for a bumpy night. In the morning Fran and I just laid around talking about her failed relationship with Frances Walling until I fixed us some breakfast. Fran went to church at one this afternoon and right before that Billy Bikowski calls and says that he thought we both were being manipulative last night but he was sorry for some of his actions. I said, "I don't even know why the hell I am even talking to you." I then let him know what he did to me. I said suppose I had taken out a girl to dinner someone I was crazy about and wanting to go home with her and spend more time with her she says she has a date with another guy at 2 in the morning?”'. Bill said that it's not the same thing and I said, ‘’the Hell it's not" Just because we have the same genitalia doesn't mean that the relationship isn’t exactly the same. We talked in circles for about 2 hours and then Billy said he had to make contact with some other people today so I said "Fine. Don't let me stop you.” And I slammed the phone down. I was so emotionally beat up that I went back to bed and slept until 3:30 in the afternoon. When I rose, I cleaned the house, and did a load of wash. Fran came home at 4 in the afternoon and we went to the Metropolitan Community Church at six. We only stayed forty-five minutes because we wanted to get up to Affirmation where Dr. Jan Stout was to talk about the biological causation of Sexual development at the Fireside. Dr. Stout said that the medical conclusions today are that sexuality is not a learned behavior but a biological condition. In other words I was Gay from my mother’s womb. Anyway I sat with Derek Kaufman in the chapel’s balcony, while Fran sat with Candy, Kathy, and Marilyn. Then late as usual Billy came in and sat up front with Richard Lamborn who’s back in town for a couple of days. When I first saw Billy enter I just wanted to get up and run out of the Unitarian Church but Derek calmed me down. So I just obsessed over Billy throughout the Fireside. There where at least 130 people here tonight in the Unitarian Church and I could only focus on Billy. He was the only one who mattered at all. Fuck. In addition to Dr. Stout’s talk which was excellent, Jeff Manookian played a piano recital from the works of Liszt.  Jeff is incredible. What a talent. Fran left afterwards and went with Candy and Cathy, while I stayed to Socialize after the performance.  I saw so many good friends and I hugged everyone. I was even invited to Doug Webb and Bobby Martinez’s Christmas Slumber Party. At first I thought everyone was being invited but then I found out that only a few were. I really felt am ego boost that I was wanted at their party. Bobby is a dancer in the Ririe Woodbury dance Company and Doug has the most intense beautiful eyes I have ever seen on a man. I met this kid named Eric Murdock at Affirmation tonight and asked for his phone number. He’s this cutie that I’ve seen around the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. However I would be with Billy in a New York second if he’d ever ask me. Russ even came up to me, held me, and gave me a kiss. He said that Fran and I were also responsible for making Affirmation happen. That’s true and it soften my heart towards Billy. I then went up to Billy and said, "Hello, I'm Ben Williams, and Bill stretched out his hand and said, "Hello I'm Bill Bikowski. You are driving me crazy and I you." At that point we just held each other for the longest time. I just let him hold me.  “My baby doesn’t love me because he’s nuts” was something I said to Fran the other day. I then left, giving this guy a ride down the hill and later picked Fran up from Candy’s. At home I found a message on my machine from Billy asking if I needed a ride to Affirmation. He must have called while I was at the Metropolitan Community Church. I called Billy back and thanked him for his consideration. We talked briefly and he apologized for his abruptness this afternoon. Then Billy shocked the hell out of me by saying, "I love you." I was so taken back that I didn't know how to respond. I just said, "Thank you". He said, "You make me feel things in my heart that I thought were shut down years ago and would never feel again." I then said, " I love you too." and as I spoke these words a mini-thought came into my head that Bill needs the Jim Rinaldis, the Richard Lamborns, and the others as part of his recovery. He needs a lot of people loving him. I must always remember this if I really do love Billy as I truly believe I do and if Billy loves me back if it’s meant to happen it will happen.     Fran spent the night with me again. She said she really liked Marilyn but is afraid of the age difference because Marilyn is a “baby dyke.”. What a wild, wild weekend. Thank you dear Lord for your love.

Additional Material-

Robert Martinez was born June 17, 1962 and died December 4, 1991 in Utah of AIDS. Dancer with Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company.

Wasatch Affirmation sponsored a lecture by Dr. R. Jan Stout MD on the origin of homosexuality at the Unitarian Church. Lecture entitled; A New Look At the Causes of Human Sexuality had Dr. Stout addressing “Psychobiology and Its Impact on our Sexuality.”

15 December 1986 Monday

It was a bitch at work again with the computers down for most of the day. Think I care? Since Bob Elcock is so hot to do away with my department? Bob wanted me to work overtime tonight but I wouldn't because Billy's program was on Prime Time Access tonight at six-thirty.

Billy rushed over to my house to watch it with me and then he stayed until ten o'clock at night. It was fun seeing Billy on TV. He was featured on KSL because of the wood sculpturing he's been doing. He was so cute.

After the show, we talked a lot and I held him. I even kissed Billy for the very first time and not just a peck but a real kiss. I really felt something but I don't think he did at all.

We talked about it a little and I said that if he doesn't feel anything when he kisses anyone I can handle that. But if he is thrilled when Jim Rinaldi or Scott Wallendorf kisses him then he needs to leave me for them, because it means that he does love them more than me.

Besides I am not going through life affectionate less. I want to hold someone and kiss him even more than even just having sex.

Additional Material-A handful of individuals from various Gay organizations volunteered to help form a steering committee which would eventually create the new Community Center’s board of directors. Representatives from People Who Care, Salt Lake Affirmation, the Restoration Church, Concerning Gays and Lesbians, and others.

 16 December 1986 Wednesday

I was invited to two Christmas Parties today. Rand Barker invited me over but I said I wasn't sure I could make it because of Billy Bikowski's party but I would try. I had called Rand from work, just to visit, and he said he was just getting ready to call me to invite me to a Christmas Party Adrian Ruiz and he were having. It was another crazy day at work with the computers acting up. I worked over time trying to get all the orders out that I couldn’t during the day. During my lunch hour, I made a batch of sugar cookies to bring to Billy's party and I'm glad that I did because no one else made treats. I also called his machine and left a message saying that I had a dilemma with trying to get to both parties. I left a message that Rand was a much better kisser, so it’s a tough decision,  but I did say I would come to Billy’s party. I worked until 7:30 then rushed home to ice the cookies. I made little holly leaves and round cookies. Then I put the banana cake I had left over from yesterday’s office party on a plate, decorated it with candy canes and then I also made a cheese ball to serve with crackers. It was foggy out and it got worse as the night progressed. Everything looked sugar coated like my cookies as I drove down to Rand and Adrian’s Party down on 39th South and 7th east. Adrian ad Rand’s place was packed. There were about 40 people at Rand and Adrian's and their place was decorated like a show room at Nordstrom's. “Chez Elegant” but it didn't feel warm and homey to me. Most of the people there were from, the Salt Lake Men's Choir. I didn't stay long. I kissed Rand a Christmas kiss and he curled my toes. God he's electrifying. Then I left to go over to Billy's because I really just wanted to be with him anyways. When I got there about 9, he wasn't even home but had left a note on the door saying to just come in that he had to run some errands and that he would be right back. It was so pathetic at Billy's place after leaving the Festive Decor of Rand and Adrian's show place. I put the cookies, cake, and cheese ball on Billy's makeshift desk with the pine bough he asked me to bring. I sat there by myself until almost 9:30 getting extremely melancholy so I left and went back home. Then I had a change of heart and decided to go ahead and play out the scene. After all I did tell Billy I would come. So I walked back over to Billy's. The winter night air really cool but not frigid like last year, and no snow!. Anyways when I trekked back there, Billy was home and I still was the first to arrive. We sat across from each other on the floor for about 15 minutes, quite pathetic and I felt so sorry for Billy. Then finally someone else shows up. It was Dave Reed followed shortly by Richard Lamborn. That's all who came. Billy poured us some Eggnog and toasted us. It turned out to be a nice evening just visiting. I laid on the floor with Billy propping his legs on me. It felt good and right being with Billy. I stayed until 12:30 in the morning when Billy left to take Richard to drop of his rental car. When Billy came back he took me home first and I kissed him goodnight. Funny. Even with all of Adrian's finery and "Classy" friends drinking expensive wine and exchanging gifts, I had a sweeter time in Billy's humble little hovel because I was sitting on the floor with him.

Additional Material

Baby With AIDS (Salt Lake Tribune C1)

Fear of AIDS Prompts Precaution (Salt Lake Tribune C2)

17 December 1986 Wednesday

In one week it will be Christmas Eve. At work the computers were still on the fritz some, so work was hectic. I worked until 6:30 this evening and then left to attend Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. There was only one other person there for the first hour until we were joined by another. So again, it was just three people. When I walked home in the foggy mist I looked up at the full moon and started laughing because I decided to throw the charter out that was pieced together last September and just lead the meeting by my gut instincts. I will be a benevolent dictator. Ha! I kept laughing and thought geez, I’m losing my mind. It seemed so funny. I wanted the meeting to stand or fall by the charter but I let it emasculate the meeting by taking out the spirit. Well I have the spirit and the vision so if it’s going to do anything at all it’s up to me. Come April, it will be six months and we’ll see if MADGAL stays or falls along the wayside. I talked to Ken Brück when I called him from work. He’s going to Moab to see his sister for Christmas. So I told him about Mike Pipkin wanting to go home to Moab and I was trying to get the two of them together for a ride for Mike. Fran is coming up tomorrow for the office party. She bought mom and dad coffee mugs for Christmas. Before going to bed, I got a call from Billy who was still at Granite Mill working. He's frantic to get enough work done to get enough money for a plane ticket home for Christmas. I hope he can raise the money. I don't know if I'll get to see him before he leaves. I have so much to do and he's leaving in the afternoon on the 19th. I just want to kiss him again. I’m so tired. I just need to go to sleep.

 18 December 1986 Thursday

Billy Bikowski called me at work today frantic and then he came up to see me about 4:30 this afternoon. He said that his money situation fell through and he didn't get paid for his work so he could go home to New Hampshire for Christmas. He was so frantic and desperate to go home that he said he was going home even if he had to hitchhike back. When he said that I was really distressed out and said, "I don't want you hitchhiking. I couldn't handle that." The thought of him going home that way in the dead of winter chilled me and besides who knows what lunatic might pick him up? Young boys disappear all the time. After he left I called Greyhound Bus and found out that a round trip ticket to New Hampshire was only $160 so I called Billy up and said that I would loan him the money if he would not hitchhike home. He agreed. This will put a crunch in my Christmas plans but it’s important to me that Billy goes home for Christmas. Helping him get home is my Christmas gift to him.     In the evening I went to the Utah Title Christmas Party held at the Hotel Utah. Fran came up from Provo to go with me and shake up people seeing us together. I saw this absolutely gorgeous guy with some girl from the Provo Office. We flirted some and in the bathroom I invited him to join our table. He did and it was a nice evening and fun with Troy Nichols’s antics. After the office Christmas party, Fran went down to Utah County, and Billy came over. He spent the night with me. What do I feel? A loss. I feel like I have suffered a loss with Billy going home. I wrote a poem, A GAY CHRISTMAS about Billy going home.

 19 December 1986 Friday

Billy Bikowski spent the night with me and in the morning I made love to Billy or tried to but he's so unresponsive so I gave up, trying to give him oral pleasure and just held him in my arms. We got up at 6 in the morning, because Billy had a million things to do today to catch the ten o’clock bus. I really didn't think Billy would able to make that connection. I went into work at 8 so I could leave when I needed to take Billy down to the station but as it turned out Billy said that a client of his called him for some "emergency woodcarving" at Park City so Billy wasn't able to go until the evening. Billy made $180 today at $30 an hour. Isn't that something? He's so talented. However when I went to his apartment at 7 this evening, I could see that there was no way he was going to be ready by 7:30 to catch his bus at 8. He was still packing and cleaning. We also needed to cash his check so we had a lot to-do. As we left Billy's apartment, he hears his landlord downstairs, and he didn't want to deal with him because he hadn't paid his rent yet from the first so I went downstairs by myself while Billy climbed out the window and shimmies down the fire escape. How could I not love him? He's so wild. We went to Smith Food king's all over this town cashing $50 checks and at one point while driving by Banbury Cross donut's on 7th East,  Billy throws a tantrum because I wouldn't stop and buy him a blueberry fritter. He was so funny that I had to go back and indulge him completely. And why not? I won't see him again for probably three weeks and I know that somehow things will have changed by then and they will be different. I just know it. It was really wild and crazy being with Billy tonight and really having him all to myself. Fran was up again but spent the night with Candace Steele and Kathy. By 11 at night, I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically by being up so late with Billy last night, and then getting up so early this morning. I told him that I was going home to get some sleep so that he could finish his packing. I knew otherwise that we would just gab if I didn't and I didn't want to him to spend the night because I didn't want a repeat performance of this morning when Billy wouldn't let me finish giving him head. So I went home alone, but it was a wonderful night with Billy and I just can't capture the magical romantic qualities of the night, that it was for me. Bill what do you want out of life? A big house? A Saab? Influential friends? Beautiful people up in Park City sitting around eating Brie and obsessed with themselves? If you do then how can we ever hope to make this thing work? I want a warm cozy home, modest transportation, perhaps a truck, friends who love me, eating at greasy Greek cafes, being surrounded by the Gay Intelligentsia. Most of all however I want to be loved by you. But if you cannot love me please leave me so I can go on to another. I've gotten over Jim Dalton, Bill Hall, Mike Allred, John Wagoner, Larry Copenhagen, Gary Ratliff, and Russ Lane in my life time so I can certainly get over you. If I can live without John Cunningham all these years I certainly live without you. Can't I? I do most certainly love you whatever that means. I think I have since I first saw you ride through Liberty Park on your Bike last Summer. I was so flattered that someone as gorgeous as you would stop to talk to me. I remember everything. You on your bike with your very short cut-offs that showed off long lean legs that went right up to your ass. You wanted me to come see your art exhibit at Park City for their Festival. I didn't know you then. Just that your name was Bill and you had the widest smile and the most sparkling blue eyes I had ever seen on a guy.  I miss you already.

 20 December 1986 Saturday

Why aren't I crying my eyes out over Billy Bikowski? He's gone back to Concord where no one loves him as much as I do. He'll be there Monday night sometime if he makes all his connections right. Why aren't I crying? Maybe it’s a relief that he's gone or maybe it’s just that I don't feel that he's gone yet. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. At the Bus Station, just before boarding, Billy hugged me goodbye in front of God and Greyhound. I want to cry. My lover is going home for Christmas. But He isn't my lover. I sat in the car waiting for the bus to rollout. I did cry a little then. I stayed in the chilly fog waiting for Billy's bus to leave because it's important for me to see things to their conclusions. I saw Billy on the bus. He saw me waiting and he waved frantically, exuberantly, excited to be going home for Christmas. I waved softly goodbye and that was my payoff to see Billy so happy going home. That made all the effort worthwhile. Why aren't I crying? Perhaps I’m all cried out. I slept on the couch all last night and I was still dreaming when my alarm clock went off at 6 this morning. I managed to stumble over to the phone and in a coma I called Billy to wake him up. He was glad I did because he too was sound asleep. I slept walked through a shower and managed to get over to Billy's at 7. He was still packing. I was too tired to’ be frantic over his cavalier attitude towards catching the 8 a.m. bus. To my amazement Billy dismantled his mountain bike and put it in a box to take it home on the bus, along with 2 suitcases, a set of skis, and a backpack  I thought he's got to be kidding. They will never let him take all this stuff on the bus but I didn't say a word. I just helped him drag it all down to the car. We took Billy's VW Rabbit because all his stuff wouldn’t fit in mine car and I drove him down. Billy was freaked out by the fog which wasn't very thick at all compared to California, and to what I use to drive in out there, but he was nervous and we had a little row over my driving. I said, "Bill I am a better driver than you in either rain or fog. If it was snowing I'd let you drive." Anyways we got to the Greyhound Station at 8 and Billy frantically runs in to get his ticket while I carried in his luggage. As we stood in line to get on the 8 o’clock bus it filled up, so we had to wait until a little after ten for the next bus heading East. Billy was just a space cadet with so much nervous energy and he was almost bouncing off the wall. I didn't want him to get out of line but wanted him to have something to eat so I left and went to Hardee's to get him a breakfast to go. So at least he had a hot meal in him. I am so glad that I was with him and anyone perceptive could see that we were lovers the way we kept fussing over each other. I saw some other Gays catching the bus. The bus has become the poor man's transportation. Anyway, Billy had food and magazines for his trip that I bought him last night so I did all that I could do. Billy strapped his skis to his Bike Box and was able to take all his baggage on board the bus. I was truly amazed but Bill's Charm. Who can resist? He hugged me goodbye and got on the bus and he was gone by 10:30 in the morning. I watched the bus disappear into the fog and went back home to bed and slept until 1:30 in the afternoon when I got a phone call, from all people, Michael Allred! He said that he received my Christmas card and wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. We visited for nearly an hour and I came out to him telling him that I was Gay. He said that he thought everyone knew it ten years ago at BYU. We had a good talk and said that he had another baby last August he named Justin. I was happy to hear about his growing family. Mike will be an excellent dad and his kids are lucky to have him as a father. I didn’t go back to sleep but tried to straighten up the place to occupy time. Guy Larsen from Affirmation also called to visit. He wanted to share with me a poem he had written. I liked it a lot and then we visited about Fran and Billy. After we got off the phone, Troy Nichols called to tell me that he told Tony Scarborough and Noreen Hansen to quit talking behind my back at work! Good for Troy. What a loyal friend I have in him. Qualities like that are rare and hard to find in people. Later in the evening Mike Anderson came over and brought me some Christmas presents. He wanted me to open them now and they were some fun coffee mugs with dogs chasing rabbits, and some Trivia Pursuit Cards. He's so sweet to me. I do have some good people in my life but then like attracts like. That makes me wonder about Billy. Why doesn't he feel attracted to me? Could it be that he's really a dud after all. A charismatic dud for sure. Just can't help loving that man of mine. It takes 21 days to break a habit. Bill will be gone for 21 days. That should help me get over him and find someone to replace him. I watched Golden Girls with Mike Anderson because it’s the best show on TV and later went out to Backstreets for a little bit. I was too tired to stay long and I also wanted to go into work tomorrow to catch up on orders. When we came home Fran was here and already a sleep.

Additional Material

John Lorenzini and Elizabeth Van Der Burgh were presented a special award by the Utah Department of Social Services and signed by Governor Bangerter for their AIDS training Sessions.

"Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles is number one song on national charts

 21 December 1986 Sunday

It’s the First day of winter and still no snow. Last year we were knee deep in the white shit. Fran and I slept in this morning and around ten I went over to work to enter searches on the computer before noon when they will go down. I also typed up some of my poetry and in the afternoon went Christmas shopping for Mike Anderson. I went to Cahoots and to “Pic and Sav”. I came home about 5 in the late afternoon tired and blue over Billy Bikowski being gone. He called me this morning about 6:30 from Omaha. He sounded absolutely excited. That made me miss him, all the more. But I'm nothing to Billy. I know that. Scott Wallendorf and Dave Kimball are much more important to him than me. Fran left for Provo at six this evening and I watched the musical  “Annie” on TV while organizing my poetry to give out as Christmas gifts. Mark Crux dropped by as he was heading off to Affirmation.  I didn't go to Affirmation. I was too sad over Billy being gone and from crying. Later I heard from Russ Lane that CBS News is going to interview him about Affirmation next Sunday.  He wanted me to join him and while I said I would love to, I’ll be in California. And I am not too crazy about going home either. Mom called me and she  upset me by saying that I’d have to take the shuttle bus from LAX to Disneyland because no one wanted to fight the traffic to pick me up. I don’t know why that let me bum me out maybe because I really don’t want to go home anyway, and now no one is going to be at the airport to meet me? Shit. In the evening Mike Anderson dropped by around ten o’clock at night  and I gave him his Christmas presents. We then went out to a couple of the bars but ended up at Radio City until midnight so I didn’t make it to bed until nearly one. I am really missing Billy but the aching will pass.

 22 December 1986 Monday

The Computers are finally running smooth at work. Troy Nichols took me to the bank to deposit some money so I don’t have bouncing checks all over the city.  I got a bonus in the mail today. That will cover the $100 dollars I gave Billy to send him home on. Cast your bread upon the waters. I called Mark Lamar and he said that he and his lover Bill Cowsert are leaving this Friday to move to Texas. I started crying. I couldn’t help it. Mark is like family to me and we have been close ever since I first saw him at the Restoration Church last spring with his shaved off eye brows. He once kissed me goodbye on 4th South and 7th East just across the street from Utah Title. It was the first time I had ever been kissed by a man in public.  It was just a little peck goodbye and I remember freaking and telling Mark stop it! He just laughed. We have gone through a lot together and next to Jon Butler my best sounding board.  It seems like everyone is leaving me. After work Mike Anderson and I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union for their Christmas Party.  At Orson Spenser Hall we saw this really cute guy cruising the bathrooms.  I invited him to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union and he fled and Mike was miffed at me for causing him to be scared off because I think Mike wanted to do him. After the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, Mike and I then went to the movies and saw “Little Shop of Horrors. There we saw Jim Hunsaker, Curtis Jensen, Graham Bell, and others from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union also there at the Plitt Theaters in the Crossroads Mall. The tickets were $5 and while the show was cute and funny, I could have waited for it to play at the dollar movies.  But Mike had been raving about it and I wanted to do something with Mike for the Holidays before I take off. Goodbye Salt Lake. I will be in California tomorrow.

Additional Material-

The Salt Lake Men’s Choir performed on Temple Square in the Assembly Hall.

 23 December 1986 Tuesday

Billy Bikowski called me at 8 this morning to tell me that he made it home. He got in last night about 9. So glad he made it home in time for Christmas. Billy is home now in New Hampshire for Christmas. Home for Christmas. Now I can concentrate on getting my butt home for Christmas. Geez. If not for the obligations I made I would stay here in Salt Lake.  Maybe next year I will!  Especially when I remember how I had to make all the travel arrangements on my own this year.     It’s nearly 6 in the evening and here I am sitting at the Salt Lake airport waiting for my flight to take me home to California. Troy Nichols took me to the airport and dropped me off. It’s really something when you think about it, that I can step into a heavier then air flying machine that will jet propel me all the way to Los Angeles in less than two hours. Amazing really.  And it’s lonely here, sitting, waiting, waiting to be flung threw the air. I’m sitting here listening to the chit-chat, the waiting talk. I am still thinking about Billy. I think about him all the time. I think about being with him; with breaking up with him. I can’t get him out of my head.     It seems so surrealistic to be even here at the airport terminal. Terminal. That is how I feel. Everything is familiar but yet unfamiliar. I am tired. I wish I could just sleep. Sleep to forget that Billy doesn't love me.     What else is new in my life? Troy Nichol’s father is going to get me on his family membership plan at the Deseret Gym so I am going to start working out in 1987! Feel like I’ve put on ten lbs over the holidays but who knows. Fran will be staying at my apartment over Christmas.     I had Leon from work notarize the car title to transfer it to her.     What will happen in California? Will I see John Cunningham after all these years? It would be wonderful but I don’t expect it to really happen.     I’m on the plane now and it’s really not all that full, in fact the whole airport didn’t seem that busy considering its two days before Christmas. I thought it would be packed with people coming and going. Not so. I am looking forward to the California thrift stores. That should be fun. Well soon we will be taking off.     I arrived in Los Angeles at 6:45 pacific time but it was nearly 8 in the evening before I could retrieve my luggage. It’s unreal to have to wait an hour to just unload the plane! I finally caught a shuttle bus to Orange County which cost another $20 and I was finally home on Dale Street by 9:30.  Mom was already in bed with a bad back and Dad was being his usually snarly self.  Welcome Home. Ho! Ho! Ho!

 24 December 1986 Wednesday Christmas Eve

I just finished calling Billy in New Hampshire. It was 11:30 at night their time. I love him so much. Is he thinking of me? I asked him if Santa Claus was going to be good to him. He said "He was good to me already. The minute I arrived in Concord." Billy then said, “Did I say thanks?" and I said seeing you wave frantically to me as you pulled out of the bus station was all the thanks I needed in the World. I only wish I was holding him. I feel so disconnected here in California.  I should be in my little apartment. I haven’t even been here in California 24 hours and I am already home sick for Salt Lake City. I went for a walk today to get out of the house, and I walked about a mile. It was a warm day nearly 75 degrees. Palm trees were swaying. People were rushing about. In the evening we went over to my sister Donna  Jones’ for Christmas Eve. My sister Charline Wachs was there with her kids Denise and Michael. Denise is growing up so fast. She’s 15 now, tall, and such a pretty girl. Michael is in the 6th grade and so clever. My nephew James didn’t want to come I guess and is out with his buddies. The kids have pretty well accepted Fran not being here for Christmas.  Donna’s boys are good looking too, though I really don’t know them very well.     Donna put on a spread and it was delicious. It was a relatively quiet Christmas Eve and I think it was the way it should be. Charline and mom went in on pots and pans for me for my present. I want to go home to Salt Lake now.

 25 December 1986 Thursday Christmas Day

I tried calling Fran several times but no answer. I walked about a mile to get some post cards to send back to my friends. My unmarried Aunt Minnie Williams came over this afternoon to have Christmas dinner with us. Yesterday was her 57th birthday. My sister Charline, her husband Dennis Wachs, and the kids also ate with us. We had Christmas ham, and dinner was good. In the evening I took James and Denise and some of their friends out to the movies. We saw “Stand By Me” which I liked a lot. There was a lot of strong male bonding.     I informed my 18 year old nephew James,  that I am Gay this morning. His response was, “it’s Cool”.  Like “no big deal.”  Last night he had gotten drunk and got the entire family into a big row over it. Geez it’s such a zoo out here. I want to go home now. I talked to my sister  Donna Jones over the phone in the early evening while Mom and dad were taking Minnie over to cousin Frances Griess’ house  in Huntington Beach. My uncle and aunt Wallace and Mattie Lee Williams are out from Texas. I told my sister Donna  that I was Gay and that was why Fran and I broke up. The big question on everybody’s mind is “Aren’t you afraid of AIDS?” I said sure I am but that doesn’t stop me from being a Gay man. I am missing Billy so much. I told Mom about Billy and how I love him but he doesn't love me. Mom said that to try and find someone who will love me and is worthy of me. How to get over Billy?

 Additional Material 

John R. Crane receives a revelation, now HT&P 47, which urges the Saints to make Zion their central longing, promising each person personal direction on when and where to gather. It authorizes flexible Sabbath worship—whether in chapels or homes—so long as they remember Christ’s sacrifice, teaches that all Church business must be guided by divine (not worldly) wisdom, and affirms that the Lord delights in sincere, consecrated offerings, inviting the faithful to “ask what ye will” that He may bless them. 

26 December 1986 Friday

I can’t believe that I am going to have to be here for three more days! It’s like torture. I am so homesick. It feels like it did back in my college days when I was home for the holidays but missing all my BYU friends and my own place. I cashed in my IRA while here in California and paid a $96 penalty. I also went to some thrift stores around Orange County and bought some nice things for my place. I will have to get a footlocker to bring back to Utah all the things I am buying in California. I think about Billy Bikowski all the time. I love that song by Dead or Alive "BRAND NEW LOVER". I need find myself a brand new lover someone who doesn't notice all the others. 

Additional Material 

Prison AIDS Policy Stresses Education Not Prophylactics (Salt Lake Tribune B2)

Salt Lake Red Cross Launches AIDS Program (Salt Lake Tribune D11)

27 December 1986 Saturday

I bought a blue metal foot locker today in which to take my clothes home. I also went to the Adult Bookstores on Garden Grove Boulevard just down the street at the end of Dale Street and bought a Male movie video called “Face to Face”.     For the rest of the day I spent it bored out of my mind.  Can it be just a week since I last saw Billy Bikowski? Sometimes I long for Billy so much I think I'll die but I have to let him go. He's in love with Dave Kimball more than he ever will be with me. And when I think of his leaving me to go be with Jim Rinaldi, I just go crazy. I must start over when I get back in Salt Lake, a new beginning without Billy. That that’s Unimaginable and unbearable. Billy why is it so easy for you to leave me? I just want these days in California to past quickly so I can get back to Salt Lake and back to my little apartment. Back to my life. I am out of sync here in California. I would have to kill myself rather than live my mother's life with Dad. Dad does little but growl and mutter at James and Mom all day. It’s so pathetic and pathological. Around and Around and around. STOP: I want to get off NOW:!! Billy come rescue me. I want to go to the Fraternity House, this a Gay Bar on Beach Blvd and Garden Grove Blvd so much, just to be with Gay people.  But I don’t have a house key to get back into the house, and I would have to walk. I just want to go home to Salt Lake. It’s my constant whine. I feel like I'm in exile. It feels like 1974. I am dying here. Like I'm crazy. Get me out of my parents' house. HELP, HELP, HELP.

Additional Material-

"Walk Like An Egyptian"  by The Bangles is number one song on national charts

 28 December 1986 Sunday

I was so bored this morning but I was able to borrow the car to go see my old neighbors, Tom and Jean Horan, who are like second parents to me. While there visiting them on Fairhaven in Santa Ana,  Jean gave me $100 for helping her with her genealogy and some title work I did for her a while back. That was neat of them. Cast your bread upon the waters. I gave Billy $100 to go home to New Hampshire with and I've gotten $200 back not expecting anything . I saw Tommy Morris, Jean's grandson, who I use to baby sit and change his diapers when he was a baby. He's 22 years old now and has grown so handsome. It seems so strange. Here is Mike Anderson also 22 years old and Billy is only 25. So young. How can thing work out between us?     In the evening I just watched some TV until I got so edgy that I walked the two miles to the Fraternity House club. I just needed to be with gay people and to listen to some dance music. I ordered two Peach Seagram Wine Coolers which were excellent and talked to the beautiful bartender. He’s so handsome and was coming on to me since we were about the only ones in the place but I thought that I am going home tomorrow so why bother?  

29 December 1986 Monday

I finished packing this morning. I am so antsy to be going home. I talked to Mom some more this morning about being Gay and my being in love Billy Bikowski. It was good to be able to communicate with her again. My mom’s only real problem with me being Gay is her fear that I will catch AIDS. I tried to tell her that even if I do get sick and die, there is something powerful about really living an authentic  life and not living  in fear and secret. I told her that I am happier now than I ever have been in my life!     Around one o’clock my Charline Wachs came over to take me to the airport. I paid her $10 so that I wouldn’t have to take the Disneyland Shuttle.  Anyway we arrived at the airport about two-thirty and I almost cried for joy at the thought that I was going home. After my sister dropped me off, my plans were to drop off my luggage and take a bus into West Hollywood since my flight wasn’t until seven-thirty this evening. However to my dismay learned that Morris Airlines wouldn’t check in luggage for my flight until 6.  Since there weren’t any lockers large enough to hold my luggage, I had to sit in the check-in area for three hours waiting for the Morris personnel to come and open up. I was so bummed out! I couldn’t even go get a magazine. Around four-thirty a couple came and I was able to visit with them some which helped wile away the hours. Live and learn.     Finally I was able to board the plane about 8 o’clock and I sat next to some born again Christians on the flight back. It helped past the time pretending to care what they were babbling about. It was nearly 11 at night, Utah time, when the plane touched down in Salt Lake City. It took me another frigging hour to collect my luggage.  I managed to flag a taxi and it cost me $15 to get home. I was so glad to get home but surprised to still find Fran here. She was sleeping when I came but she woke up to tell me some horrible news.     Her friend Jennifer Triff, who went with us to Puss-N-Boots a couple of weeks ago, was murdered by her estranged husband on Christmas Day!  She was shot in the face in front of her children. What a tragedy for Fran because she and Jennifer were becoming fast friends. It was Jennifer who got Fran her job at the IRS.  Fran had bought Jennifer lunch and had spent Christmas Eve with her. Fran even kited a check for Jennifer because they were broke until after Christmas now I will have to cover it or it will bounce big time. How fragile life is. Jennifer seemed like a very sweet lady and I liked her but did not know her well. Anyway I held Fran in my arms and we went to sleep about one in the morning.

 30 December 1986 Tuesday

Fran was up at 6:30 this morning for the long drive back to Provo to go back to work. I really didn’t much sleep after that so I went back to work myself and I was really glad to be back. I think most were also glad to have me back. It's good to be back in Salt Lake. After work, Mike Anderson came over with his VCR and we watched the porno film I brought back with me. We were getting pretty hot and worked up by it so we decided to go to the bathhouse on 2nd South called 1414 Club. We bought a membership but it was not as nice as the ones in California. Mike wanted me to go with him the Club 14 because he never had been to a Gay bathhouse before. I like the Jacuzzi and the steam room but basically being there just made me lonesome for Billy Bikowski. Earlier today I called Eric Murdock, while at I was at work, and made a date for this Friday. If I'm ever to get over Billy I have to start dating more. I can't be going to the baths and then fantasizing about Billy there. I got to get him out of my life

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Mayor Palmer DePaulis signed a letter directing the police chief, city attorney, and city-county health department director to “explore all legal remedies to terminate these business (Jeff’s Gym and Club 1414) claiming that “the continued operation and licensing of these establishments is inimical to the community interests. “ “I am informed that at least one of these businesses advertises in national publications for the Gay community that it is a Gay bath house. Police investigation have repeatedly confirmed that illegal sexual activity is permitted and condoned, with all of its health, moral, and other negative implications in our community.”

 31 December 1986 Wednesday

I left Mike Anderson at the Bathhouse and I came home at 2 in the morning. I’m not sure where he spent the night but at six-thirty he was at my door wanting to crash and sleep. It was a chilly day but still no snow! I was paid $600 today. I was dragged out being at work for most of the day, from staying out so late last night with Mike Anderson.         I left work at five-thirty in the late afternoon and crossing the street in front of the Juel Apartment, I saw a purse laying in the street. I kicked it to the curb before a car could run it over. Upon picking it up and looking inside, I saw that it wasn’t empty. Someone must have put it on top of her car and drove off forgetting it.     Coming into the building I saw Russ Lane on the landing and we visited a little about our holidays. He said he wasn’t going to do anything to ring in the New Year. Then I met Jon Butler’s new boyfriend, Richard. He seems really nice. I hope things work out for them. Jon deserves a good man. However I hope Jon’s cultural Mormon stinginess doesn’t sabotage the relationship.     Fran was at the apartment when I came in the door, and she looked through the purse I found to find a phone number or address. The woman had a $500 paycheck, $41 in cash, and some major credit cards. We called her and she immediately came over to retrieve it. I know she was grateful for us to have found it and returned it but she didn’t say anything. Strange.     I then went upstairs to visit with Jon and Richard, and I met this heavyset man named Rob from San Francisco who John introduced as an Affirmation community leader out there. Around eight, Fran and I went over to Candy Steele and Cathy’s New Year Eve party. I wore a tuxedo shirt, black bow tie, a back vest and black pants. I looked really handsome from what people told me. At Candy’s party, it was a mixed crowd. There was a Gay couple Chris and Mike, a bisexual woman named Maureen who was with her husband, Cathy’s sister Marilyn, Candy and Cathy of course, and us. They had enough snacks to feed an army.  I only stayed until ten, leaving Fran at the party, and went to Backstreet for New Year Eve and to meet Jon and Richard.  Last year Fran and I were both so sick and I am grateful for my health this year. Before heading off to Backstreet, I first went home, and roused Russ Lane out of bed. He was in his pajamas already.  He had me come in and I took him back to his bedroom and lay down with him.  I just held him and we reminisced the year we had together and all that we had accomplished with the growth  of Affirmation and in our own lives. We held each other for over an hour, and then kissed each other Happy New Years, a deep, passionate tongue kiss. French Kissing in the USA.  My first and last real kiss with Russ lane. I do love him. I left the Juel at eleven at night because I did want to be at Backstreet to see the New Year in. Backstreet was not as crowded as I thought it would be. There were lots of people but none that I knew right off the bat. While sitting at a table, near the dance floor, this cute guy came over and asked, “What is your name?” I said, Ben” and then he asked “do you remember me? Len?”  and I said “of course Lennie Fisher!  I’ve tried calling you so many times but you moved so much!” Lennie is this Gay man I met in August 1985 before I came out of the closet. I thought about him a lot so I was flattered that he came up to me and recognized me.  We danced for a while, having a great time, but he said he had to leave. Then I saw Bill Sims who I tricked with a year ago and I went over to visit with him. Bill was surrounded by his entourage but I was forward and went up to him and just held him. He was looking so handsome, that I reached over and kissed him and we started French Kissing in the USA. I was really turned on by him and we were hitting it off big time. I spent most of the rest of the evening with Bill, dancing a very slow sexy dance together. He asked me if I wanted to start dating him so I guess we will start dating. I never did see hide nor hair of Jon Butler and Richard. I did see Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez and I was thrilled. We laughed and kissed. I do love them. We did a three way dance until the midnight countdown. Bill Sims found me and I was holding him.  At midnight I gave him a deep kiss, and then started kissing everyone, wishing all a Happy New Year as the DJ played Auld Lang Syne. Balloons cascaded down from the ceiling and people were tooting party horns. I silently toasted those who weren't here to see the New Year in, Carol Kessler, Jennifer Triff, and Cary Grant. I toasted all who died of AIDS last year and thought about who I might lose this coming year because of this terrible plague. I thought of Billy Bikowski and hoped that he is happy and my wish was that he is surrounded by people who love him and is spending time with people he loves. I stayed until backstreet closed at 2 in the morning when Bill Sims asked me to come over to a Jacuzzi Party, but I declined. I said I was still really tired from my flight home from California. In truth however I just didn’t want to compete with Bill’s friends for his attention and affection. When we can be alone, and really get to know each other then I’ll feel more comfortable about being around his friends. Well 1986 is over. What a strange year. The most important year of my life since 1969. Just like in 1969, at the beginning of the year, I had no inclination of the wonderful transformation my life was to take. 1986 a year of destiny. Change, change, change.  I came out of the closet. I left the Mormon Church. I separated from Fran and got out of our “marriage”.  I lost Sam and Toby and the kitties.  I fell in and out of love with Russ Lane. I am in love with Billy Bikowski, my sweet mad artist and how madly I am in love with him. More people have filled up my life than ever before since coming out.  I met so many new people this year. Some came and went. Some have endured. The important people shaping my life in 1986 are: Michael J. Anderson, Rand Barker, Beauchaine, Ken Bruck, Jon Butler, Pamela Calkins, Stan Dickie,  Lamont Draney, Tony Feliz, Cy Felts, Ken Sugar Tush Francis, Brook Hallock, Mike Howard, Jim Hunsaker, Darrell Hunt, Gordon Jones, Derek Kaufman, Mark Lamar, Richard Lamborn,  Russel Lane, Guy Larsen, Jeff Manookian, Willy Marshall, Scott Mills, Lynn LeMasters, Bob McIntier, Eddie Muldong, Troy Nichols,  Nancy Perez, Jim Pincock, Alma Smith, Candy Steele, Brad Townsend, Scott Wallendorf, Johnny Welch, and Lon Wright But most important to me is Leon William Bikowski Jr. who has illuminated my constellation of friends, over shadowing all as a bright nova star. I love you Billy Bikowski. Goodbye 1986. I’ll miss you. It was a year of tremendous personal growth. I am a stronger person because of it. Now I can face 1987 without fear, secure in the knowledge of who I am. I do fear that I will lose people I love due to AIDS in 1987 and I wonder if we won’t all perish from the disease. God’s Will Be Done. It’s how we live out our lives rather than how long we live that will matter in the end.  God Bless us each and everyone especially those living in the “Cities of the Plains”. Let my last words be for 1986, “I love you Billy Bikowski.”

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On 17 Sept 1995 Bill Sims II died at age 33 in Salt Lake City, Utah of AIDS. He was born 11 July 1962.

24 Cases of AIDS reported in Utah with 9 fatalities. By 31 December 1986, 51 adults and three children cases of AIDS reported since began keeping records with 33 deaths. All who were diagnosed before July 1985 were dead. Four adults were female, half who contacted HIV by IV drugs and the other half by blood transfusion. Of the three children two belonged to a parent with a high risk factor, and one was through a blood transfusion. 34 of the adults were homosexual males or bisexual males, 8 of the adults were IV Drug users, 5 of the adults were both homosexual and IV Drug users. Two adults were infected by a blood transfusion and two had undetermined factors and had died of AIDS. A screening of Military recruits in Utah taken 24 November 1986 out of 3450 tested, three white males tested positive for HIV antibodies.  Eleven of the Adults were between 20 and 29 (1966-1957), 32 of the adults were between 30-39 (1956-1947), six were between 40-49 (1946-1937). Two adults were over 49 yeas (before 1936)