Summer 3rd Quarter Journal 1973 July-September

 

JULY

July was a long hot and lonesome month for me in Provo. Most of the kids I had known in the dorms were gone preparing to go on their missions. I was trying to adapt being on my own and the only people I knew were my roommates Ken Lewis and Leland Sanasac. Both guys were very reserved and into their own issues and not that interested in being friends. Ken Lewis, who I had been a dorm mate in Chipman Hall, actually never really got to know me, he is being more occupied trying to find a girl who would marry him. He was a nice guy but really kind of boring. It took a while to get to know Leland Sanasac who I think was a bit put off by my California openness compared to how cliquish most small-town Mormons are.

            I didn’t express in my journal how much I was missing Bill Hall. I was totally infatuated with him, but I tried to put it in the context of a “brotherly” love.  I was also trying to sublimate my homosexual feelings to conform to how the Mormon Church expected me to be, a heterosexual.

            BYU was a lonely place in the summer when it felt like the campus was deserted. Because it felt like everything was on temporary hold, I was very much bored and at 22 years old also lonesome for companionship and just plain horny. It was during this time I began to explore and discover the graffiti in certain isolated men’s rooms soliciting sexual activity. I was drawn to them like a moth to a flame. I didn’t have any sexual encounters but just to be where there was a strong sexual presence was enough. I knew whether I wanted to accept it or not that I was not alone and there were other young college boys hungry for sex as much here at BYU as there were at Cal State Fullerton perhaps even more so because BYU  was so repressed.

            I also continued to have these Psychographic or “automatic” writing by which I produced written words without consciously writing them. I still can’t explain how. I rarely mentioned in my journals that I was continuing these writings even after giving the Gospel According to St. Peter to Paul H. Dunn in April. I kept expecting to hear from the General Authorities in Salt Lake about what I had written but never did so I continued to write what I felt prompted to write.

            However, as I became more immersed in Mormon Doctrine and the BYU Culture, I began to become extremely conflicted in what I felt compelled to write and the abnormality of it by practicing Mormons.  Eventually this conflict between why I became a Mormon and being a Mormon was so overwhelming that I had a minor mental break down.

Part of my experience as a young man at BYU was not realizing I had join a cult with an entirely different sense of reality than how I was raised to understand the world growing up in California. I had isolated myself and began to indoctrinate myself in Mormonism to become the best Mormon I could be as I felt somewhat inadequate being a convert and not born under the covenant.  Even more of an inadequacy was not being a Mormon Return Missionary which made me a 2^nd Class citizen at BYU.  Mainly however I was using Mormonism as a fix for what I felt was a serious flaw in my character, falling in love with guys.

In the July issue of the Ensign, BYU psychology professor Allen Bergin published an article portraying some homosexuals as "psychologically disturbed persons" who are "compulsively driven to frequent and sometimes bizarre acts." He cited two clients with "compulsive, or uncontrollable homosexuality" caused by intense fear for the opposite sex, a lack of social skills for normal male-female relationships and seeking security exclusively from the same sex. Bergin discussed the behaviorist sexual orientation change efforts he used in an attempt to change their same-sex sexual behavior and attractions.

1 July 1973

No Entry

2 July 1973 Monday

Today I was in for a real surprise. I was studying while lying on the couch when someone knocked on the door. My roommate Leland Sanasac answered it, and I thought no more about it but when I asked him who it was, he said someone for Ken Lewis.  I still asked and said, “Well who was it?” and Leland answered some kid named Mike Allred.

            Mike Allred! Someone from the dorm! I ran down the hall to see if I could catch him and I did. I had him come back to the apartment. It was so good to see a familiar face. Mike Allred, after Winter Term, had gone home to Wyoming for the summer but was back now trying to find a place to live for the Fall. I thought he was going to live with Ken here at the Robert E Lee, but he said he really didn’t want to because the Robert E Lee is such a dump.  So, I took him down to the Hostel Apartments on 2nd East so that he could get a better idea of what he really wanted.

It was really good to see Mike again. I didn’t really know him that well at Chipman. He had just gotten off his mission from Argentina and came to the Y on the block program. When he was assigned to the floor at Chipman he didn’t act really friendly.

            At the time Sister Liggett had us guys help carry his things and I carried up his shoes. Most of the time he stayed in his room and Marvin Jones was his roommate.  Ken Lewis got to know Mike pretty well because he and Marvin Jones were friends. I went into his room once to visit and ask about his mission and such. I tried to be friendly, but he was going with this girl named Donna so much I thought they must have been engaged.

            I really didn’t see much of him again until he showed up today. Mike said that he wanted to share an apartment with guys he knew and who were more serious. I told him that Mark Cottrell needed out of his contract and that Mike could help him out by taking it over.

            I know Ken Lewis will be mad at me for squiring Mike away from being at the Robert E Lee.  When he came home from school , he was mad, because he thought  I was trying to talk Mike into living with Darwin Ross and me but hadn’t. Ken spent the rest of the time praising the Robert E Lee to Mike who was getting ready to leave. So, I left and went to the Deseret Towers to see Mark Cottrell to tell him about Mike coming down from Wyoming and that he was interested in maybe taking over his contract at the Hostel.

            I contacted Mountain Bell today to get a phone hooked up here under my name because I am tired of feeling so isolated from everyone and home. I was assigned a number 375-9153. A guy is supposed to come out after the 4^th to install it and bring me a phone to rent as part of my bill.

            I spent the rest of the evening watching TV with Mark at the Deseret Towers where there is air conditioning. It’s been so hot today and the Robert E Lee is like a furnace.

3 July 1973

No Entry

4 July 1973 Wednesday

I slept through Provo’s big 4^th of July parade and celebration. In the afternoon I walked down to the Provo Tabernacle grounds to read in the shade of the trees there. I wrote in my notebook and observed the people milling around me. It was such a beautiful warm, sunny day. The sky is so brilliantly and infinitely blue and the leafy green trees darkly shaded the Tabernacle Grounds.

5-7 July 1973

No Entries

8 July 1973 Sunday

I got up for church this morning at 9. I am in a consolidated 41^st Branch of the 8^th Stake because of the summer.  I went to Priesthood at 10:15 with Darwin Ross who picked me up and the lesson was on the “Gathering of Israel”.  Afterwards I was asked to be a counselor on the Young Adult Mutual Improvement Association Committee. I was so excited, but I think there is so few of us that everyone is getting a calling and since I am only an Aaronic Priesthood holder I don’t qualify for much else. I then went to Sunday school with Darwin Ross, and we went to Denise Smith’s Sunday School class where she wanted Darwin and me to be in a skit about Repentance. Darwin was the Bishop, and I was the sinner. Type casting for sure.

            Later I went to Sacrament again with Darwin. I love the 41^st Branch. It’s the most spiritual and exciting Ward I’ve ever been in. C Terry Warner is more than a Branch President; he’s more like a General Authority. I’m attending this branch because in the fall I will be in its boundaries when I move over to the Hostel.

            In the evening Mark Cottrell came over to see Darwin and me about us living together this Fall. Mark is up in the air about his plans. He thought that it was best just to wait until after Summer to either go back to school or go a Mission.

In the late evening, Leland Sanasac and I had a serious talk in which I tried to make him more concerned with me being a Son of God rather than a carnal human being. He thinks I am too frivolous with having so many friends. I can’t be mousey like him because I like people.

Additional Material

C. Terry Warner is an American academic, author and business consultant. Warner grew up near San Francisco and overcame childhood stuttering then studied art at the Art Students League in New York. He also studied acting at the Stella Adler Studio, also in New York. He set aside his interest in the arts for a bachelor’s degree in history from Brigham Young University. He received his master’s and PhD in philosophy from Yale University. He joined the faculty of BYU in 1967 where he served as chair of the philosophy department, director of the Honors program, and dean of the College of General Studies. Warner taught an honors seminar with Arthur Henry King. He was also a visiting senior member of Linacre College, Oxford University where he worked with renowned philosopher and psychologist Rom Harré. Warner retired from BYU in 2009.

He wrote the book “Bonds That Make Us Free” and founded the Arbinger Institute which does consulting, and training based on his academic work on the foundations of human behavior and self-deception. He and his wife Susan had 10 children.

9 July 1973 Monday

Last night before going to bed, I called Bill Hall at 10:30 and we talked for about 45 minutes. He’s happy and excited about his Mission Call to the North Carolina- Virginia Mission. He said that about August 3^rd he’s coming to Utah with his folks to take out his Endowments in the Salt Lake Temple. I hope to get to see him then.

            This coming week he said he’s going to Louisiana to see his brother. I hope he gets to see Renn Yorgason while there as he was called to the Gulf State Mission.

            This morning I was up at 8 and finished typing up my paper on “Death of a Sales Man” for my English 251 Class. Then I got dressed and went to class at 11. The class is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the Jesse Knight Building for 2 hours. It was another hot day again walking up to campus. It was 105 degrees. In class Sister Nielsen went on and on about the Point of View of a short story. However, I really enjoy attending this English class.  I let Sheryl Talbot  a girl taking the class with me read a letter I got today from Melinda Lowery who is also her friend.          

After it was over, I went to the Wilkinson Center to see about the job I applied for in food services. Bro. Payson hired me and said he wanted me to start this Wednesday. He said I’d be working as a grill cook in the “Cougareat”, Monday through Friday from 4 in the afternoon to 8 in the evening and on Saturdays from 9:00 in the morning until 5:30 in the late afternoon.  I will be making $1.65 an hour. I hope everything will work out at my new job but I know the Lord will see that I am provided for so I will do as He wants.

            When I came back to the apartment at the Robert E Lee, I read some short stories, “I’m a Fool”, “Tears Idle Tears” and “Miss Brill” for my class assignment. Because it was so warm in the apartment, I became drowsy and took a nap from 4 in the afternoon to 6.

            When I woke up, I was hungry from not eating anything all day, so I fixed one of my Chinese Dinners I had premade up. When Ken Lewis came home, he asked if I wanted to go to the Storehouse Market. It’s a grocery store that is super inexpensive by the fact you have to price mark your own food with a grease pencil from bins containing bulk items and then bag them yourself. It’s great for college kids like me on a budget. I spent about $5 on groceries for the week. I bought some granola cereal, some Frosty Root Beer, and some other snack items to munch on.

            While we were shopping at the store, we came across a former BYU Sister of Ken’s, and we got to visiting. She said if we would buy the ingredients, she would make us some homemade bread weekly!  Homemade bread how great is that?

            When we came back to the Robert E Lee, Leland Sanasac  said that Margaret Dinsmore  had called and left a message  about going with her tomorrow to the Church’s Historian Office in Salt Lake to do research for our History 490 Class. So, I called her back and she agreed to take me with her if I’d pay her $2 in gas to drive me up with her to Salt Lake.

            After that Darwin Ross came over to visit and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Family Home Evening with him. I did and so he drove us out to Provo Canyon, but we couldn’t find where they were meeting so we came back down into the city. We decided to go to Jerry’s Burgers instead where they had a summer special, two for the price of one and then drove to another place for a Cherry Vanilla Coke because Jerry’s doesn’t serve caffeinated drinks. We felt like being wild.

            Darwin and I had fun talking about the old days in the dorm and then he dropped me off at 10:30 tonight at my place and I was in bed by 11:30 when it was still quite warm in the apartment.

10 July 1973 Tuesday

Last night before going to bed. I was troubled by visions of many upsetting things going across my mind, but of others things I was gratified. I had no visitations or manifestations which I have in years past years on this night, but I was given the sure word that Harold B Lee is a Prophet of God who holds the Keys of this Dispensation. The Church is not only true, it is the Truth; for it holds the keys to Life Everlasting.

            I was up this morning at 7:30. I did not sleep well at all last night, for the many things I saw and the loved ones I be held in my dreams.  But I had to get up to get ready for Margaret Dinsmore who is taking me to the Church Historian Office for our History 490 class. She is doing her paper on Daniel H Wells, and I am doing mine on Charles B. Thompson, this apostate from the 1850’s.

            We were at the Church Office by 9:30 this morning and we stayed there doing research until 3 in the afternoon. I found most of the information I needed from Journals found in the History of the Church.

            Back home in Provo, the Robert E Lee apartment was extremely hot inside, almost unbearable. Ken Lewis received a letter from Bob Dalley who’s on a Mission to Central California. He said he’s baptized 5 people so far since last May and he might have 4 more in August. He’s having a very successful mission but then Bob was always so spiritual.

 

11 July 1973 Wednesday

I slept all night on the front room floor because that was the coolest part of the apartment. This place has absolutely no ventilation and it’s laid out in a way that retains the heat which may be fine for Winter but it’s miserable now. It just heats up like an oven and being on the second floor doesn’t help matters much. I was up this morning at 10 after having gone to bed at 2 after finishing up my paper on Thomas Wolf’s The Lost Boy. I really like the story and for some reason it reminded me of John Cunningham.

            I went to my English class today at 11 and we discussed JD Salinger’s masterpiece “To Esmic With Love and Squalor” about battle fatigue in WWII even though I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet.

            It was really pretty out today,  a real summer day with billowy white clouds in a deep blue sky.

BYU is having this workshop on the Watergate Affair. Leland Sanasac is extremely interested in it, but I look askance at it.  John Mitchell, the former Attorneys General, is testifying now and trying to make his self-come out smelling all right. I’m not too interested in Watergate because I think nothing will come of it.

            I had to go into work today at the Cougareat in the Wilkinson Center. This was my first day on the job as a fry cook. I’m on the grill making hamburgers. I didn’t mind it, but my legs are a little bit tired for standing for 4 hours. BYU Food Service is a huge enterprise. I can’t imagine what it will be like in the fall.

            Ken Lewis and Leland Sanasac came up to see me at work. Leland even bought me a drink. BYU won’t serve cola drinks, but I like their own fountain drink called “Rockport” kind of a cross between Root beer and Sarsaparilla. Another tasty one is their Red Cream Soda.

I tried to study some after work at the J Reuben Clark Library. I didn’t succeed because I was feeling so lonesome and edgy. I walked down to Chipman Halls, remembering all the fun times I had there with guys who I had grown to love and then I walked over to Jerry’s Burgers for a Dr. Pepper but forgot they don’t sell Caffeinated drinks.

As I was walking home the voice of the Lord came to my mind  and said “Cease to do evil. Learn to do good and all things shall come to pass.” I started to sing the old Church of Christ song Oh how I love Jesus because he first loved me.

Satan tormented me severely today and I told him that even if he does drag me down so that I lose my estate or that he ruins the exaltation of my family and causes me all the misery he can, he still going to lose. Even in hell, I’ll have the great satisfaction knowing that Satan lost, and the Savior won. I will never worship Satan, nor his devils for God the Lord is my King and if I fail, I’ll fail the Lord. I’ll never fail Satan for I will never have anything to do with him. He may drag me down because of my weaknesses but it is the Lord I love, and I know that He will be triumphant over Satan and will have the great satisfaction that all of Satan’s evil, God will change to good. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

            Oh, I am dizzy. Help me Lord to keep my proper balance of mind.

12 July 1973 Thursday

I was so tired this morning that I slept in until noon. It too hot in the apartment last night to get any rest. At 4 in the afternoon, I had to go into work and worked until 8 again. This night I worked with a young small blond kid named Steve Law. He’s only 17 years old and hardly looks that old, more like a shy 15-year-old. My goodness am I getting that old? He is so young, innocent, and naïve. I like him a lot and feel protective of him.

            The only trouble or at least notable event at work was that I was assigned a locker in the men’s quarters beneath the Cafeteria and was given two chef shirts to wear  and just at closing, when I had just thrown soapy water on the floor of our work station to mop up in front of the grill, in comes a Boy Scout Troop! Ugh! So here we are slipping and a sliding trying to wait on this Boy Scout Troop and both of us brand new! What a sight!

As soon as work was over, I rushed home and borrowed Ken Lewis’ bike to ride over to Bro. Chris Burt’s place only to find out to my embarrassment  our MIA meeting was scheduled for yesterday. I was so embarrassed but anyway Mary Beth was there, so I found out all the details anyway .On August 11^th we are having a Branch Breakfast up in the Canyon and I’m head of the transportation committee. Me without a car.  Oh well.

13 July 1973 Friday

I was up at 9:30 this morning to get ready to walk up to campus for my class. Since it was Friday the 13^th, we had a quiz on the Point of View of a ghost story. On Monday I have a paper due on the novella “The Lost Boy” by Thomas Wolf and we are going to have a midterm soon ugh!

            In the mail today I had another letter from Laura Edmundson. She more or less told me where she was moving to in order to get away from Janet.  It’s just around the corner from the old Othry Hall dorms at Cal State Fullerton. I wrote her back just before going into work urging her to make an attempt to find happiness by joining the Church since only through the Church can true happiness be found for happiness consists of the Peace of God and the joys of heaven and since it is written that the Peace of God is Celestial Marriage, and the joy of heaven is eternal increase only in the Church can you obtain it; for the Church holds the keys.

            I went into work at 4 this afternoon and worked with this character named Jack. I really don’t know how to take him and if I had my choice, I’d leave him. He’s arrogant and rude.

            Last night we had a big electrical storm and tonight after work it rained  quite heavily. It sure cooled things off though to 75 degrees. Leland Sanasac came up to the Cougareat to buy a 5-cent ice cream cone and he stayed to walk with me back to the apartment. That was nice of him. He’s changing for the better. I wish I could.

            I called home and talked to Dad. I was surprised that Mom went into the hospital last Wednesday for an operation. I hope it turns out all right. Mom is in such poor health being so overweight.

            For two nights in a row, I’ve dreamed of my nephew and niece James and Denise, but I also dreamed of another child that was younger that Denise by at least 3 years and the child was a boy. Is Charline and Denise going to have another baby or did I dream of “Nishard?’ I was so lonesome in my dream for James and Denise that I almost cried. I love them so much and I guess I am homesick. When I think of little James hugging my neck and kissing me goodbye as I go off to “Newtah” I could cry.

Additional Material

My nephew Michael Louis Wachs was born in January 1975 completing the family of my sister Charline Wachs.     

14 July 1973 Saturday

Today was an exhausting and an exhilarating day. I was up at 8 this morning even though I was tired because I only had about 7 and a half hour of sleep. I walked on up to the Wilkinson Center and went into the Cafeteria to start my shift. I changed into my chef’s uniform which consists of a brown mustard colored double-breasted smock with a white card board chef hat. Gad! What silly things they make us wear.

            From 9:00 to 10:30 I worked on the breakfast shift cooking hot cakes, eggs, and such. We were rather busy for a Saturday morning on Campus. I worked with a kid named Allen until ten cooking breakfast when Mike came in.  After 10:30 we switch over to the snack grill and we start cooking hamburgers again. Within the past 4 days I learned the whole routine of my shifts. I guess I am starting to be an old hand at food service.

            I worked with Mike until 3:00 in the afternoon when then I am on my own after that until 5 when Steve Law comes in.

            About 12:30 this afternoon, Ken Lewis came up and I had to take a double look at who was with him. Roger Olson was with him, and I was so surprised. He just came down for the day. I only had a 5-minute break in the 8 and half hour shift and I spent it talking to Roger. He was really looking good.

            After work I was just exhausted being on my feet all day. My feet and legs ached so badly. I walked on back to the Robert E Lee and showered. Then Roger came back over to the apartment. Ken went out on a date with Evelyn leaving Roger and me alone to talk. We visited for a long time. I had to tell him all the gossip that I could remember. He said that Kathy Ausderau is being moody again and wants to apostatize. I guess I’ll have to write her again and tell her to knock it off.

            Later in the evening about 7, Roger and I went to see Sister Liggett, our old dorm mother at Chipman.  Roger wanted to see her more than I did but it was good to see a familiar face from the dorm again.  Sister Liggett did say that Randy Gormley had been through Provo, yesterday. I don’t think he knows I am in Provo as if he’d even care.

            Afterwards, Roger and I went to Jerry’s hamburgers for dinner where I tried to talk Roger into spending the night, but he said he’s a Sunday school teacher now and has his obligations. He said he’d come down again before he goes on his Mission. It sure was good to see ol’ Roger again.

            After he left to go back home to Ogden, I went up to the J Reuben Clark Library to do some more research for my paper on Charles B Thompson, but I didn’t get much done.  But I picked up the new fall catalog and schedule at the bookstore. I now have to figure out what to I’m going to take in the fall.

            I called my sister Charline Wachs tonight to see how mom is doing and to talk to little James some. He said that Denise has a new pappy and James is trying to learn how to play catch ball. Oh, how I love those children.

 I’m still tired but in the Lord do I rest.

I received a letter back from my Grandma Johnson in response to one I had written her about how I had come to join the Mormon Church: “Dear Grandson received your letter just think all began in my bedroom. What you heard was granddad Calling you to get up and help him hoe. I still think the same about the Mormons. I’ve read there [their] Books long before you was ever born. Yes there [they’re] growing by leaps and Bounds just like the Catholics because of false prophets which come to you in sheep clothing (Inter ye in at the strait gate.) for wide is the gate and Broad is the way. That leadeth to destruction and many there do go in there at, ( but strait is the gate and narrow the way which leadeth unto life and few there be that find it) I’ll just walk the narrow Path as long as my old feeble legs will carry me.  remember there were only 8 souls saved when the world was destroyed. May not be that many when he comes again but I hope to be among the few tho it ant [ain’t] poplar [popular] I’ll never follow no man.  God left us a plan of salvation and he hasn’t told the Saints a thing since he accendened [ascended] in to heaven if there were a few more believed the word, would be better off. I trust Charline and Donna got more since [sense] than to listen to such. I’m sure Kay has. Yes, I’m glad they cut your hair. I’m a firm believer in decency, they are moral people, tho old Brigam [Brigham Young]  did have a lot of wives. hope you settle for one wife.  this may not mean a thing to you, but grandma never was one to beat the devil around the stump. I haven’t had a vision. I don’t know anything only what God has revealed in his holy word, and we are to obey God rather than man. Jr I trust you receive this with love for God knows I love you and trust you see the error of your way before it’s everlasting to late, From Grandma

Additional Material

"Will It Go Round in Circles" by Billy Preston was the number 1 song for the 1^st two weeks in July

15 July 1973 Sunday

I was so exhausted today like a well ran dry that I just couldn’t get up for Priesthood this morning. I was so tired.  Mark Cottrell came by after Sunday School let out and said for me to call Bro. Paul Smith because he wanted to talk to me about filling out the necessary forms for becoming an Elder. I was excited although I cannot become an Elder until after September 21 because of what the Spirit told me. However, I can get the necessary things in order, I guess.

            I feel so dizzy like I am coming undone. I walked over to see Mark later in the afternoon. If his parents move to Provo as he thinks they will, he won’t move in with Darwin and Me.

            I went to Sacrament meeting and Mary Beth said I could home teach her and her roommates this Tuesday at 8 in the evening.  I was also assigned to a Family Group with Mark. Mike Presbry is our “father” or group leader.

            After Sacrament Meeting, I came home and fixed some supper. I had rice, potatoes with cheese, summer squash, and meat loaf. Then I studied the Book of Ether somewhat. I love Moroni’s sermon on Faith in Chapter 12.  I also wrote Kathy Ausderau not to give in to the Adversary but to be valiant.

16 July 1973 Monday

Today I slept in this morning again. I was so tired. I was up by 10:30, got dressed and walked up to the J Reuben Clark Library to some more research on Charles B Thompson who claimed to be the true successor to Joseph Smith and founded a splinter Mormon Church that believed in Reincarnation in Iowa that lasted about 10 years. At first, I was in sympathy with him because he was such a devoted convert to the Church but after Joseph Smith’s death, an evil spirit got a hold of him, and he was taking financial advantage of his followers so cruelly by using the Lord’s name in vain.  He truly was what we are warned against, a false prophet, not Joseph Smith a true prophet.

I stayed in the library until it was time for me to go to work at 4. Every day I walk through the TV lounge section of the Wilkinson Center and there are dozens or more students glued to the news of Watergate. The bombshell today however was big because it was testified that President Nixon had secretly tape-recorded conversations in the Oval Office that might show that he knew a lot more than what is he admitting.  We are admonished not to speak ill of the president but sorry he will always be the guy who ordered the expansion of the war in Vietnam which led to the Kent State Massacre.  I can’t understand BYU’s blind eye to his crooked presidency.

They forgot to make me out a time card again so I’m still using a temporary one. I change in to my uniform in the men’s locker room downstairs that consists of my yellow chef jacket, and my paper conical chef hat they want us to wear when we work the grill. It’s a living.  It was not such a bad night and since it was slow, I took off at 7 though I think they wanted me to stay until 8. But they hired me with the understanding that I’d work 4 to 7 Monday through Friday and all-day Saturday. If they don’t like it, tough, I’ll quit. I like my job, but I can’t let it interfere with school and church. The problem is that the most important things to me, that I spend the most time on, school and church, pays me nothing to live on.  Oh well. They are labors of love.

At 7 Mark Cottrell came by the Cougareat and said he’d take me to Family Home Evening. I didn’t even have time to go home and change out of my school clothes. There are only 3 boys in our “family” group Mike Presbry, Mark, and I but there are 8 girls. The only ones of the sisters that I know are Rita Wolcott who was Wayne Tuck’s old family sister from Helaman Halls and Denise Smith, my Sunday School Teacher.

It was a good Family Home Evening for the first time with me not knowing anyone really. We all introduced ourselves and bore our testimonies. Afterwards we had ice cream bars. Mark and I left early because he has a test tomorrow that he wanted to study for it. He said he sure had a rough day today and he’s beat. He said everything went wrong for him. Days like that is when you truly need the Lord.

I’ve been expecting Wayne Tuck to call or write because he said he’d be down this week sometime.

Everything seems to be piling up at school with it being the middle of the Summer Term already. I’ve looked at the new fall class schedule that came out last Saturday and ugh!

BYU sure is building a lot this summer. They’re putting in a new walk way between the Engineering Building and the Thomas L Martin Building. Also, they are pouring the foundation for a new law school and are building more hand ball courts. 

When I came home Ken Lewis said that Dad had called while I was at Family Home Evening. He said that Mom had her operation this morning and is supposed to be doing fine.

I’ve got to get started on my English paper Ugh!

17 July 1993 Tuesday

            PJ Payson my manager at work asked why I left at 7 yesterday and I told him that I had Family Home evening and that I was hired under the impression that I was to work 4 to 7 and a 23-hour week but if this was not the case, I was falsely misled. He back down and just asked if I’d work until 8 this Friday and I said that on any day I don’t have a conflict with a church responsibility I would work until 8 but Church duties came first because I was only hired to work until 7 in the evening.

            Well anyway when I left the dish washer guy says to me “Nice guy leaving your buddy like that!” That really hurt because on the surface that’s how it looked but why should I have to justify myself to him. Why is he, my judge? He’s the same jerk who hid the frying machine basket strainer so I couldn’t drain the oil back into the pan to be able to put away the draining machine.

            After work I hurried home to the Robert E Lee, still smarting from his mean comments and changed clothes to go out Home Teaching  tonight.  I prepared a little talk to go along with our lesson of “You’re a Child of God.”

            I home teach five people, Mary Beth, Judy Brammer, Renee North, Linda Erickson, and Gordon Zimmerman. The girls are all roommates at the Seville Apartments.  John Hatch is my companion, and he really is a good man. He’s considered a Mexican although he is an Anglo because he was born and raised in the Mormon Colony in Northern Mexico. He’s not even a U.S. citizen because both his parents are Mormons from Juarez, but he is so American and speaks perfect English. Peculiar.

            Darwin Ross was over at the Seville when we were doing our Home Teaching at Mary Beth’s and he took me home afterwards. Darwin said he was in Salt Lake City all weekend to join the Army Reserves to help out with college expenses. Yesterday he was sworn in. In another week I’ll be living with him at the Hostel just a block away.  We will be closer to where we met for Church at Farrer Junior High.

18 July 1973 Wednesday

I was up at 9:30 this morning and dressed for school. It was pretty warm out all day. It’s about 95 degrees even right now at 1:30 in the morning. However, it’s rainy out and the air is quite pleasant smelling. It sure is raining hard now.

            I received a letter from Janie Posey today. She didn’t have much to say but she did write a pretty interesting story about an Indian named Chief Posey who led the last Indian uprising in the United States in 1923.  Janie said she isn’t related to him, but I was surprised to find out that Janie is adopted into a Mormon family, and she is a full blood Taos Pueblo Indian. That’s pretty special.

            In my English class today, Sister Nielsen was in a bad mood but soon snapped out of it. We discussed “tone” by reading certain poems by A. E. Housman and Thomas Hardy.

            After class I went to the Wilkinson Center and in the lobby, they’re being selling posters, so I bought one of a Silly Cartoon Vulture, called Beaky Buzzard, that struck my fancy for $2.50. Then I went into the Cougareat to get a snack. I just had their raisin carrot salad, a donut, and a fruit drink because 50 cents was all I had left until I get paid.

            After eating I went to the microfilm room in the J Reuben Clark Library located on the 4^th level and did some more research on Charles B Thompson. If only people would obey and believe in the General Authorities so much needless grief could be spared. Harold B Lee is a prophet of God who is a Seer, Prophet, and Revelator, and if we will just obey his counseling, we would be safe from the buffeting of Satan.

            I stayed on campus and went into work at 4 in the afternoon until 8 this evening. A new boy was hired to take Jack’s place, who is being transferred over to the Soda Fountain which is a relief. He never liked me; everyone wants to get off the grill. It’s the hardest job in the cafeteria. 

The new boy’s name is Dave Olson and he’s from Kaysville and knew Richard Bowman, Bruce Lloyd, Dave Kirkham, Bill Hutchinson, and Steve Wellings  who were all of them Kaysville boys from Helaman Hall days.  He really is a nice guy and good to work with. It still cracks me up that a fast single hamburger is called a “Quickie Burger” and I have to ask kids if they want a “Quickie”. Dave here must have purer thoughts and deeds than me as it doesn’t faze him at all. But then I grew up in California or as some here call it “Sodom and Gomorrah by the Sea”.

            I came home afterwards and showered to get some of the grease and sweat off of me. Ugh! I didn’t get much accomplished tonight  and not doing any studying. After I was refreshed, I talked most of the night to Ken Lewis about trivial things. He’s thinking about leaving the Robert E Lee and moving into the Hostel with Darwin Ross and me especially if Mike Allred takes over Mark Cottrell’s contract.  It won’t be but a little while before I am down at the Hostel Apartments living with Darwin Ross. I sure wish I knew Mark Cottrell’s plans because we don’t want to get stuck living with someone we don’t know.

            I wish I could write something more profound in this journal so future historians could say, “Look how profound he was! He knew how to write just the right things” but in my heart I know that the most profound thing I can write in this space is “eternal truth” and that is “God lives, and Jesus is the Christ”  and I am a child of God. How simple. It’s hardly worth mentioning. No not so. These are herald truths

19 July 1973 Thursday

Today was such a surprise! Nothing happened in the morning. I just laid around all day until going into work at 4. About 4:30 while on the grill at the Cougareat cooking up “quickie burgers”, Wayne Tuck showed up. I was so happy and excited to see him. Ken Lewis told him where to find me at work. I gave him my apartment key so he could let his self in to the apartment so he could have a place to stay while down from Salt Lake.

            I had to work until 8 in the evening and coming back to the apartment I couldn’t get in because Leland Sanasac and Tuck were out walking around. So, I just waited on the steps for them to come back besides it was cooler outside. I am so excited over seeing Tuck I feel like doing cartwheels.

            Anyway, we spent all night visiting our old friends from the dorm days who are still here during the summer term like Sandy Trout, Mark Cottrell, and Rita Wolcott.  Then later we went to the Uintah Theater and saw “Cahill” featuring John Wayne which was a typical John Wayne movie.

            Afterwards we went to Warsaw’s Supermarket in Orem, and he paid $4 for 2 steaks for tomorrow. We spent the rest of the night just talking. Tuck told me how his mother is dying of cancer. That is really sad knowing she might pass away while he’s on his Mission.

Additional Memoirs

Tuck’s mother died in November of 1973

20 July 1973 Friday

Tuck and I both got up at 9:30 and I fixed him and me a good breakfast. We then went up to the BYU Campus so Tuck could take some pictures as memories. At 11 this morning, Tuck went with me to my English Class and afterwards back at the Robert E Lee, I fixed us a couple of Steak dinners with baked potatoes. They sure were good.

            At 4 in the afternoon, I had to go into work at the Wilkinson Center and worked until 8 in the evening when I took off to go back down to the Robert E Lee Apartment to meet  up with Tuck. We went to the Pioneer Drive-In and saw Stanley Kramer’s “Oklahoma Crude” and Cliff Robertson in “J.W. Coop”.  The shows didn’t start until almost 9:30 when it started to get dark. Tuck and I cracked up over Oklahoma Crude.

            After the show we went back to the apartment, and we sacked out in the middle of the front room in front of the fan I had scrounged. I didn’t sleep much, just kept thinking how short the pleasure of mortals be. The precious gems know as friends more valuable than gold.

Additional Memoirs

As inflation made the price of meat sky rocket, I didn’t know that these would be the last steaks I’d eat for over a year.

21 July 1973 Saturday

            I was up at 8 this morning to get ready for work. I was super tired from staying up so late but have to work. Tuck was still a sleep on the couch, and I just could not see the sense in waking him up to say goodbye. I left him a note instead and left.

“Dear Tuck, I have to go into work, and I did not want to wake you up to say goodbye. I am glad you were able to come down and am truly sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together. I know you will be a successful Missionary and will return home an example for me to live by. Please don’t come by work because I’ll just get upset again. I know I am such a baby, but it is not the fact that we won’t be seeing each other again for we will but rather it’s the act of departure I mind. Tuck be good; I’ve not always been the example I should have been. I’ve always been the most lax with those I love. You’ll always be welcome at my house Tuck as long as you continue to serve the Lord as I know you will. Will you take my Vulture Tuck? It’s not much but I want you to have it.

            Take care and drive safely on your way home. No sense killing yourself since you are going on a mission. Be valiant. Love from your friend Always Ben God Bless You.”

            Tuck replied to this letter by leaving the following note which Ken Lewis brought up to me at work. “Benji Boobs Thanks for taking me in and thanks for being a friend among friends. Ben thanks for all that you have taught me even if you don’t think you have. You are one of the best buddy’s I’ve got so please remember me in your prayers cause I need all the help I can get !!!!! Write when you can so’s I can get your new address. I might be able to see you when I come down to go to the home, but I can’t promise anything. Well… I’ll see you in two years so be the same Ben Edgar, ok? Wayne PS Thanks for the vulture. I love it.

22 July 1973

No Entry

23 July 1973 Monday

I moved into the Hostel Apartments at 356 North and  200 East  today which is a little more than a mile southwest of the Robert E. Lee. I am glad to move out of here even if I am paid up to the end of the month. It’s been as hot as a firecracker for most of the month that I lived here and it being so dingy it never felt like home, more of a college flop house.

            Darwin Ross helped me move all my belongings into the place as we both signed a contract to live there at the Hostel. It took two car trips, but it was just so neat to get out of that dump. No one is living in the apartment so I spent the night at the Hostel rather than go back to the Robert E Lee although the manager said the apartment will need to be painted in a few days. I stayed up most of the night putting things away.  It feels more like home here. It has two bedrooms with two single beds and two chests of drawers in each. It’s furnished with a couch and a couple of chairs and a dinette set in the small kitchen. There’s a large window in the front room and each of the bedrooms and one in the kitchen so it’s nice and bright.  And no dirty green shag carpet like in the Robert E Lee.

 

24 July 1973 Tuesday

In the morning Darwin Ross had to work until noon but I didn’t because of the Holiday. Later in the afternoon I went with him into Salt Lake to help him bring some of his things back home that he doesn’t need at the new place.

In Orem we stopped, and I met Darwin Ross’s real father who lives in a trailer court in single room trailer. It is really pathetic but it sure is ennobling to see Darwin’s great love for his dad who is kind of a derelict.

            Since it was Pioneer Day, Darwin and I decided to go for a drive and drove through Provo Canyon to Heber them down through Parley’s to the turn off at East Canyon. We came down Emigration Canyon into Salt Lake City. We stopped at “This is the Place” Monument because I had never seen it before.  It  was rather impressive.

Darwin’s stepfather and mother have a really nice home in Olympus Cove and must be really well off. Well at least to what I am used to. Darwin’s mom is really nice and fixed us some sandwiches for dinner to eat before leaving Salt Lake. We didn’t get back to Provo until 11 at night.

25-27 July 1973

No Entries

28 July 1973 Saturday

Additional Material

"Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" by Jim Croce was the number 1 song for the last 2 weeks in July.

29-30 July 1973

No Entries

31 July 1973 Tuesday

So, it’s the end of a very long and hot summer in Provo. So different from being here last Winter. There’s just a couple of more weeks before the Summer Session ends and while it’s been hectic, I’ve managed to stay caught up.

            Living off campus is totally different than the camaraderie of the dorms and I miss that. Ken Lewis and Leland Sanasac and I never really connected, and my closest friend is Darwin Ross and he’s over at Debbie Holbrook’s as much as he can be.  It’s lonely being here during the summer. All the dorm friends like Bill Hall, Elbert Peck, and Wayne Tuck seem more like memories than anything else.  I miss them so much.

            Work keeps me busy but the only kid there I like is Steve Law who is so young and innocent, we really have nothing in common outside of work but he’s a great guy and fun to work with, but I can tell he thinks of me as this older guy to look up to.

            I really like my Branch, but I feel still like an outsider almost an interloper. There’s a part of me I am so trying so hard to control but I am so weak before the adversary. I thought coming to BYU and serving the Lord, I would be changed. And why was I given this task to perform and why haven’t I heard from Salt Lake. Oh, ye of little faith.

 

AUGUST

When I told my folks I was thinking seriously about marrying Janie Posey, it was the only time my dad ever expressed concern about me once I had left home. He was worried about the life I might have had if I married a Native American. I don’t think my dad was being racist but a product of his time, who saw the trouble mixed race marriages could bring and I think he must have known how naïve I was about women.

The pressure to date and marry at BYU was intense. The university was as much a Mating Service as an academic institution. I think Ken Lewis after just a few dates asked every girl he went out with to marry him.

I was willing to marry to conform and believed that obeying the will of God as taught in Mormonism, I would have these unwanted sexual desires for men magically disappear.  Fortunately, Janie, who really did like me and I liked her but as a friend, had the good common sense to realize that I wasn’t marriage material.

            As the pressure of an 8-week semester began to wind up, along with a hectic work schedule and now a confused misguided goal to finish writing the Gnostic Books of Enoch and Jared before September 21^st, I was living inside a pressure cooker.

1 August 1973

No Entry

2 August 1973 Thursday

I didn’t do much today, just cleaned the apartment, and went to work at 4 in the afternoon. It was a fairly busy night, so I didn’t get off work until 8:00 in the evening and it takes about 20 minutes to walk home to my new place. 

When I came in, I saw someone watching TV. When I looked again it was Bill Hall! I couldn’t believe it! I really didn’t think he was going to come down. I was so excited and happy, but he said he could only stay until 11 and had been here since 6. Two hours I could have spent with Bill wasted.

Anyway, we went to the movies and saw The Legend of Boggy Creek at the Academy Theater downtown and afterwards we went up to Jerry’s for a burger for old time sake. It was so brief that it almost seemed like a dream.

He’s getting his endowments tomorrow on August 3^rd in the Provo Temple. Saturday his parents are leaving to go back to North Dakota, but Bill won’t leave for Virginia until this next Thursday. I just wanted to hold him but being with him was enough.

3-4 August 1973

No Entries

5 August 1973 Sunday

I attended Priesthood Meeting and Fast and Testimony meeting and I bore my Testimony

6 August 1993 Monday

In my History 490 Class I had to critique a paper. It wasn’t such a bad situation. This coming Friday I have to critique Margaret Dinsmore paper. In English 251 we mainly discussed how to scan poems for its meter and rhythm. 

Then I worked from 4 in the afternoon until 8 this evening when Mark Cottrell came by to take me to Family Home Evening. We held it in our apartment at the Hostel and Darwin was able to put the front room back together after the guy who painted the room pulled everything down yesterday.  Mike Presbry, our Family Group Leader, gave  a lesson on overcoming our weaknesses and afterwards we had cookies and cherry Kool-Aid.

I’ve gotten several letters lately. One was from my cousin Kay Johnson Ballard. She said she is enjoying living in Houston and that she has picked out names for her baby already. If it’s a girl she will be called Thalia Ann and if a boy Neal Roderick after the McLeod side of the family.

            Kathy Ausderau says she’s not coming back to the Y but is instead moving to Salt Lake to look for work there. I sent her the Salt Lake Tribune’s classifieds in the mail. Tawna Fewkes wrote that she just got back from a trip with her father and now is working at a Summer Youth Camp like I did just last summer.

            My sister Donna wrote and said that she’s going to register at Santa Ana College this fall and then transfer to Cal State Fullerton. She is not progressing like she wants at Cal State Long Beach.

            Mom said, when I called her, that the operation she had was a stomach reduction operation to help her lose weight and she had lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. She also said that Frank and Barb’s daughter Kathy Welte came over and stayed with her when she was recovering. Mom said that my cousin Gary Williams had his baby on July 30^th. It was a boy they named Gary Lynn Williams. He is grandpa and grandma Williams’ first great grandson to bear the Williams’ name.

7 August 1973

No Entry

8 August 1973 Wednesday

This afternoon I called the LDS Mission Home to find out when and what time Bill Hall is leaving on his mission Thursday. He wasn’t able to come down like he wanted to do so as to give me that information because he didn’t know it the first time he came down.  Also, once he’s in the Mission Home, he’s not allowed to talk to anyone outside of the home, so it was up to me to find all these things out.

            Before going in to work today, I got a craving for some homemade bread, so I made a whole wheat loaf.  It was really weird, but I think it came out all right. I had to go in to work at 4 in the afternoon. I left the apartment early so I could buy a greeting card for Bill in the bookstore. Then I worked from 4:00 to 7:30 with Steve Law.

            I sure will be glad when we get paid on Thursday because I am low on funds and Darwin Ross spent all his money paying back tithing, so he didn’t have any money to pay me back.

            When I came home from work Darwin, and I drove out to Provo Canyon with kids from MIA to have a campfire and make “Hobo Stew”. Everyone brought a can of stew or vegetables to throw into a big kettle to cook. We then scoop it out and ate the Hobo Stew out of our cans. It was pretty good.

            After it got dark, we all sat around the campfire and sang songs and hymns. It sure made me think o Janie Posey and my old dormitory family when we had a campfire for our last Family Home Evening. It won’t be long until Janie and Debbie Holbrook and the rest of the gang from Chipman Hall come back.

            I have to take out a small, short-term loan to pay for my tuition, but I can pay it back when my larger student loan comes in.

9 August 1973

No Entry

10 August 1973 Friday

Today seemed like such a long, long day. So much had transpired that it’s almost seems like two days. While I was at work yesterday, Bill Hall called and told Darwin Ross that his flight was changed from American Airline Flight 284 leaving at 11:05 in the morning to Frontier Airlines leaving at 7:45. Bill told Darwin to tell me not to come because of the hassle but Bill didn’t know me if he thought anyone, but God would keep me from seeing him off on his Mission. 

My biggest concern was transportation to Salt Lake City. I was having Randy Gillian from upstairs take me, but I couldn’t ask him to take me that early, but I was going to try. It later turned out that he was willing but by then I had other arrangements.  Darwin God Bless him said that I could use his car, but he had less than an 1/8 of a tank of gas. We managed to scrape together $1.50 but that in no way could buy enough gas.

I went to bed praying that night and beseeched God that I might see Bill one more time. I knew I was trying the Lord’s patience for he had made it clear that I was only to see Bill that one time but my Lord who is full of compassion and mercy in abundance gave his permission. I knew that I was wrong not to have asked the Lord first whether I could go or not but since He gave his permission, I knew everything would be provided for.

At 5 in the morning, I woke up after the Lord inspired me with the way to go. Darwin and I had thought and thought how I could get more money for gas and the Lord plainly showed  me how, He said return all my pop bottles to Warsaw Market which I did, and I got $2, So now I had $3 in all to buy gas. I was able to buy gas in Orem, otherwise I would have run out and it took until about 7 in the morning to get to the Salt Lake Airport.

 It was about 10 minutes before I could find Bill who was sitting with his companion in the terminal. Bill was so surprised when he saw me and had this expression on his face which said, “you’re an idiot but I’m glad you came.” I gave him 2 packages of cookies I made and made him open them because I knew they would not let him take them through the metal detector unopened.

It was so good to be there. His companion’s family was there but a shared family really isn’t the same thing.  I only got to spend 10 to 15 minutes of actual time talking to Bill because he had to board his flight out at 7:30. And then he was gone, gone onto a great and successful mission in North Carolina. The Virginia-North Carolina Mission had just recently been split and that is probably why they switch airlines.

            I was so proud of Bill, so very proud to have known him. In two years, his mission will be over. I wonder if mine will be. Two years! What changes it will bring. I know I cannot be the same person then and I am not the same person I was 2 year ago. Look at me. I’m in Utah alone, on my own upheld only by the arm of the Lord.

11 August 1973 Saturday

The Young Adult Mutual Improvement Association had an end of the term Breakfast up Provo Canyon  this morning. I was able to get everyone connected up for a ride who needed one, but I wasn’t able to go myself because of work. I had to be at the Wilkinson Center at 9 to cook breakfast and then grill hamburgers the rest of the shift until 5:30 in the afternoon. I have to say that the Cougareat makes the best Hot Cake batter I have ever eaten and just one fill’s an entire plate for 50 cents.  That and a nickel glass of milk fill me up for the entire day.

Additional Material

"The Morning After"  by Maureen McGovern was the number 1 song for the first weeks in August. The song was from the Poseidon Adventure disaster movie.

12 August 1973 Sunday

Darwin and I walked to Priesthood this morning. It’s only about a half mile to Farrer Junior High on Center Street from the Hostel. We walk with the sisters from the Seville Apartments who are attending Relief Society. Actually, Darwin walks with Debbie Holbrook rather than with me.

            This is the last time I will see some of these brothers as they are moving out of the boundary of the Branch or are leaving BYU. I am glad Sunday School is right afterwards, so we don’t have a big break between meetings.

            Darwin likes to change out of his Sunday clothes when he gets back to the apartment but all I do is loosen a tie. He ate over at Debbie’s for Sunday dinner, and I finished the tuna noodle casserole. I made some oatmeal cookies for us to snack on. There’s no watching TV until after Sacrament meeting because we set that as house rules. I would not have the TV on at all, but I was out voted but at least no afternoon sport games.

            I mostly hole up in my room and write anyway.

13 August 1973

No Entry

14 August 1973 Tuesday

Today is the last day before finals and while I can accept it, I can’t believe it. Yesterday I bought a new record album, Seals and Croft’s Summer Breeze, and for family home evening we baked a “scripture cake” using only ingredients mentioned in the old Testament. It sure was tasty.  Today in the afternoon, I did my washing up because my wicker basket was starting to get moldy. I also worked on my History 490 Research Paper. I went into work at 4 this afternoon and worked with Steve Law until 8:30 this evening. We were pretty busy.

My boss PJ talked to me asking if I would work full time over the break. I said I would because I need the money. Besides we’re supposed to get a dime raise so I’ll be making $1.80 an hour, 20 hours a week when school starts up again.

I pay $50 a month in rent with utilities included. That includes a house cleaning. My food bill is about $10 a week but that will probably go higher. There is a meat shortage going on. Some kid said there is no meat in California but when I called mom, she said there’s plenty of meat just really expensive. Ground hamburger is now $1.09 cents a pound double what it used to be at Albertsons. When the price freeze goes off on September 12^th it’s supposed to get even more expensive. I’m paying 65 cents for a half gallon of skim milk, 83 cents for a dozen medium size eggs, and 50 cents for a loaf of bread. That all is supposed to double with inflation. I’m just thankful that I’m in the Lord’s Church and He’ll sustain the faithful Saints.

            Mom said when I called her that she and dad had just got home this morning from Uncle Ed Danforth’s funeral. He died last Thursday and was buried on Sunday at Earth, Texas. Mom surprised me by saying that in the middle of September, my uncle and aunt JW and Pauline Johnson with Grandma and Grandpa might come to Provo to see me on the way to Yellowstone. Something to think about.

            I’ve been thinking I need to get married to change my feelings. I hope that I will marry Janie Posey. The Lord said she is the one when I prayed about it.

15 August 1973 Wednesday

The Summer Term ended, and I have a two-week break. Darwin is gone for some basic training, I think for the two weeks, so I am here at the Hotel by myself until Ken Lewis shows up. I am working full time at the Cougareat during this break because I need the money and we are shorthanded due to so many kids leaving BYU to go home for the break. At least it should not be too busy for a week or so. It will also give me time to work on the Book of Jared while I am home alone without distractions. It also helps me from feeling so lonesome and tempted to go up to the Franklin Harris Fine Arts building.

16-17 August 1973

No Entries

18 August 1973 Saturday

Additional Material

"Touch Me in the Morning" by Diana Ross was the number 1 song for a week

19 August 1973 Sunday

There was hardly anyone at Church today with it being the recess between the Summer Term and the Fall Term. I was called to pass Sacrament because, so few guys are in town. Even President C Terry Warner’s family was missing. I heard they went on vacation.

 Our apartment building is almost like a ghost town, but it won’t be but another week before it fills back up. I am glad we are on the 2^nd floor and not on the first that is partially underground.

20-24 August 1973

No Entries

25 August 1973 Saturday

When I came home from work at 8:30 I saw Ken Lewis on the couch watching TV. I was glad to see him, and he said he came in just about 7 this evening after driving all the way in from California. Before he went home, he had brought all his stuff from the Robert E Lee  over and stored it in Darwin Ross’ room.  So, he was already unpacked, and I didn’t have to help him. He’s the same old same old. He had left his bike here while he was gone to California, and he had let me use it to ride to the store for groceries, but I ate a lot up at work.  He said Leland Sanasac wrote him while Ken was in California. He went back to Minnesota, I think, and isn’t coming back to the Y.

            We were both exhausted, so I helped Ken make up his bed and I climbed into mine in the other room. It’s nice to have someone else here even if it’s Ken.

26 August 1973 Sunday

At church I was surprised to see Janie Posey back in town because no one mentioned it and she had not written to me that she’s coming back. In Sunday School I sat next to her and asked how her trip home was, but she didn’t say much to me. All her roommates at the Seville really kept her busy.  Maybe she’s upset that I didn’t write more or go out with her more. There’s a change in the air for sure with summer winding down.

27 August 1973 Monday

Mike Allred arrived this afternoon, so our Apartment is filled with my old dorm mates, Darwin Ross, Ken Lewis, and now Mike. He pulled up in his red Volkswagen bug that was bursting with boxes and bags he brought with him from Star Valley, Wyoming where he is from. We are going to share a room as that Ken Lewis picked Darwin’s room when he moved in last week.

            Mike brought with him a stuffed Penguin he brought back from his Mission in Argentina. I had no idea that Argentina had penguins. Mike said his name is Juan Carlos, so we displayed him quite prominently on the brick and shelving board bookcase in the front room.  Mike said he was excited to be back at BYU after having worked all summer on his dad’s ranch near Afton.

            He came on the right day because after work, when I came home, Mike went with us to Family Home Evening at the Seville Apartment to meet our family “sisters.”  Everyone was happy to see our family completed.

            I think Mike and I will become good friends. He’s more interesting than Ken and he’s not so in love as Darwin is with Debbie Holbrook so he’s never at the place much.

28-29 August 1973

No Entries

30 August 1973 Thursday

I registered at 9:30 this morning for my Senior Year.  Tuition will be $300 this term. I registered for English 321- the Study of English Grammar taught by Asst. Professor Zane G Alder. It’s a morning class from 10 to 10:50. Most of the other classes are in the afternoon or evening to accommodate my work schedule. I signed up for History 466 a History of Utah Class taught by Joseph S. Wood . Both of these classes are held in the Jesse Knight Building. I have to take a religion class so I signed up for Gary Anderson’s Doctrine and Covenants that’s an evening class on Thursday from 6 to 7:30.   My hardest class will be Hebrew 441 which is Classical Hebrew taught daily from 4:10 to 5 in the afternoon. It’s taught by Keith Meservy, and I am taking it to satisfy my language requirement which will also opt me out of taking any math classes. It has no prerequisite which is really lucky for me.

 

SEPTEMBER

September was a pivotal month in my complete immersion into Mormonism.  The Fall Term began, and school activities filled both the campus and off campus with a new energy.  I had a letter from Bill Hall who was now on his Mission in North Carolina who questioned the appropriateness of my Gnostic writings stating that if God was going to reveal anything new it would come through the established Priesthood channels of authorities. Additionally, when I shared my writings with Kathy Ausderau who didn’t have the firmest of testimonies in the first place, she also began to chide me.

            It had been a long hot summer and change now was in the air and I had learned so much about how the Church felt about individuals receiving revelations other than personal ones for themselves. What I was doing, even though I was not sharing it with anyone, nonetheless, was not Mormon orthodoxy.

The few who knew that I had been writing things,  kept secret  through what I believed at the time to be divine intervention, tried to convince me that what I was doing was not in harmony with the Modern Utah Church. My entire journey into Mormonism had been based on what I had felt was a religious epiphany but now seemed fraudulent; having learned that all Mormonism demands is obeying authority through a chain of command.

            Early in the month I had a mental collapse that I realize now was brought on by physical and mental fatigue. The complexity of having felt that I had some sort of special relationship with God and also trying to be accepted into this new Mormon identity overwhelmed me.

            Recovering, I chose not to seek a spiritual path of my own any longer but decided to sublimate my own spirituality to following the restrictions of Mormonism. I felt I could no longer trust my own spirituality, so I shut that part of myself down and became lockstep into Mormonism.  I became a Mormon autotron or robot  allowing others to do all the thinking for me. It was the only way I believed I could be sure I was not being deceived; not realizing that I still was in many ways.

            After I turned in all the Gnostic Material, I had been writing over to C Terry Warner my Branch President,  I met with him and other counselors from the 8^th Stake. They wanted to interrogate me to see if I was a heretical apostate which I was not. I told them the truth how I had come to obtain these writings and my meeting with Elder Dunn and how I had been waiting for an answer from authorities in Salt Lake. I was told that the fact that I was not contacted was my answer  all along.

They questioned me about things like why was their no punctuation in my writings and I said because I didn’t see any. I think that answer kind of surprised them. Anyway, they knew that I was innocent of any thing that would actually jeopardize my standing in the church, and they felt that I had just been deceived by the Adversary but if I just followed the Brethren I would not be in any trouble.

            This ended the period of my Gnostic Writings, and I threw myself into becoming a doctrinally devout Mormon.

1 September 1973 Saturday

Additional Material

A sing about interracial love, "Brother Louie"  by Stories, was the number 1 song for the past 2 weeks.

2-3 September 1973

No Entries

4 September 1973 Tuesday

Classes began today because yesterday was the Labor Day holiday. I had to work it though,  because so many students were on campus anyway checking things out getting ready for classes to start. The Text Book for my Hebrew Class is delayed and on back order, so I have to use the Reserve Library. I don’t know what I was thinking, except being desperate, to take a Biblical Hebrew Language class that is upper division and they assumed no one would be so dumb to take a class without knowing some Hebrew. But there wasn’t any perquisite, and I am desperate not to take additional semesters of language to meet my foreign language requirements so I can graduate.

5 September 1973 Wednesday

Kathy Ausderau wanted me to come over to her place at 487 North 400 East to talk this evening. After telling Kathy Ausderau all that I had been writing and that I had seen Elder Paul H Dunn she told me that she thought the Adversary was behind all that I was doing  and how wrong it was of me to continue as that it was probably confusing my friends.

I thought when Kathy was questioning me about the writings, I thought “Why am I persecuted by my friend for saying I’ve seen an angel of God? Are these things only for priests and prophets and kings? Can’t a humble boy in prayer ask for truth and light and received that knowledge? I told Kathy not to ridicule me. That all summer I had kept expecting to hear from Bro. Dunn, but he never did contact me.

As I was walking back to my apartment with Kathy, I became so distraught and confused and afraid of what I have been writing. That it might have been from the Adversary like she and Bill Hall thinks. It was too much for me to deal with and as I walked, I felt dizzy and weak like the ground was no longer solid.  I was so overcome and troubled that I just blacked out and fell to the ground according to Kathy.

She was so scared that she rushed over to get Mike Allred, Ken Lewis, and Darwin Ross at the Hostel to carry me inside. They then called President Warner and he came over with his station wagon where he took me up to the Student Health Center. They said I was out for about an hour, from 11 until midnight, when this all happened.

After I came out of it, through some ammonia under my nose, I was so ashamed.  Afterwards I was taken home, and there President Warner gave me a blessing and I handed over to him all the uncompleted work that I have been receiving all summer long as Bill Hall had written me to do, and Kathy Ausderau had admonished.

6-7 September 1973

No Entries

8 September 1973 Saturday

I got a surprised call at 7 this morning from my Uncle J.W. Johnson who said Aunt Pauline and Grandma and Grandpa are in town and staying at the Motel 6. They wanted to see me, so I told them how to get to my place. They were on their way to Yellowstone. They hadn’t had breakfast yet, so we went to Sambo Restaurant and on the way, I showed them where I use to live at Helaman Halls which was not far from the restaurant just down the street.

            It was so good to see Grandma and Grandpa Johnson even if Grandma is disappointed that I left the Church of Christ to become a Mormon. At Sambo’s J.W. treated me to breakfast and I had ham and eggs and pancakes. Because the rest ordered coffee, the waitress asked if I wanted coffee too, but I said milk will do.

After eating I had them drive around BYU a little and showed them where I work. Grandma made a caustic remark about all the girls on campus wearing “long tail dresses”. Anyway, they wanted to get on the road because they wanted to be in West Yellowstone by this evening, so they left at 10. It was such a quick sweet visit almost like they really weren’t here. It was weird though seeing Grandma here in Provo.

Additional Material

"Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye was number 1 for a week.

9 September 1973 Sunday

I was called to my first calling in the 41^st Branch of the 8^th BYU Stake this fall term as Assistant Clerk of Historical Records and was set apart by the Stake High Counselor John Gardner.  In Priesthood I was called to be a Home Teacher with Mike Allred the senior companion. I think Mike is still wary of me after having a break down last week,

10 September 1973

No Entry

11 Sept 1973 Tuesday

Trouble in all the world I see. I heard the missionaries are on lock down in Chile after the government was overthrown in a military coup. It’s all in the news that Chile’s President  Allende committed suicide during the coup. Nixon never liked Allende and the U.S is now backing  the fascist General Pinochet. 

12-14 September 1973

No Entries

15 September 1973 Saturday

The first Mutual Improvement Association’s picnic was held as an opening social in Vivian Park in Provo Canyon. I couldn’t go because I had to work all day, but Mike Allred said it was fun.

Additional Material

"Delta Dawn" by Helen Reddy was number 1 for a week.

16-17 September 1973

No Entries

18 September 1973 Tuesday

We held a birthday party for Darwin Ross today at the Hostel. Debbie Holbrook baked him a birthday cake and Michael Allred and I splurged on some ice cream. He turned 22 years old today. It was a lot of fun just horsing around with some of the kids from Family Home Evening.

19 September 1973 Wednesday

The Mutual Improvement Association held a Square Dance at the Seville Apartments and Mike Allred wanted me to go but I was too exhausted from school and work. I just wanted to lay on the couch and watch Sonny and Cher Comedy Show on TV.

20 September 1973 Thursday

Kind of sad news that the singer Jim Croce  died in a plane crash in Louisiana. He had a lot of hits like “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim”, “Operator” and “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.”  The tennis match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs is the “The Battle of the Sexes” with king being framed as a Women’s libber and Riggs as a male chauvinist pig. Lots of people are interested in it but not me.

21 September 1973 Friday

It’s been a while since I last wrote in this journal. It is the Fall Semester now and I’m taking eleven units this term. I enrolled in English 321 which is a pretty interesting class on diction, phonics, and sentence structure. We are studying Phonemes now. My instructor is Bro. Alder who is dry but interesting. It’s a 3-unit class which meets on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 10 in the morning. Then on Wednesday and Friday I have a 2-unit class on the History of Utah class with Bro. Wood. It meets at 3:00 until 4 in the afternoon.  Then at 4, every day I have Biblical Hebrew a 4-unit class with Bro. Jicard.  I really like the class but it’s already 4 weeks into the semester and there’s still no text book for the class. I have been studying out of the Reserve Library but yesterday I lost my Student Body Card and now I don’t know what to do because I can’t access the library without my student body card. I guess I will have to pay a $4 replacement fee. My only other class I am taking is a religion class that is required every semester. I am taking Doctrine and Covenants which is a 2-unit class taught by Brother Andersen. It meets Thursdays at 6 to 7:30 in the evening.  Then I go into work back at the Cougareat  and work until 11:30. On those days I don’t get home until 12:15 in the morning. That’s my class schedule for the Fall Semester. 

 I work at the Cougareat Cafeteria in the Wilkinson Center as a “Soda Jerk” from 11:30 to 2:30 in the afternoon. I finally got off the grill and my boss  PJ Payson let me transfer over to the ice cream section to be a Soda Jerk. There was an opening and as I had some seniority, I was able to get the job. It’s so much nicer not having to wear a stupid smock and paper chef hat, asking people if they want a “quickie”.  I now wear a white jacket and a small paper hat. I mostly serve soft drinks and some ice cream. The Sundaes and Parfaits are too extravagant for the ordinary student. While I am busy most of the night with drink orders, Iron Port, Red Cream, Root Beer, Orange Soda, and Lemon Lime soda, at least I don’t come home smelling of grease.

Autumn is truly in the air and it’s my first time spending it here at BYU. It had snowed on Mt Timpanogos the first of September and now there’s snow down to the base and snow has fallen in the canyons. All the leaves on the trees are changing from Green to red, orange, and yellow. I never saw the seasons change while home in Garden Grove. It’s cool but quite nippy at night. You need a sweater or jacket now.

            My roommates are kids I knew in the dorms and Ken Lewis was actually my dorm mate there. He’s a Junior and working full time as well as going to school full time so I don’t see him much except at church. There are 4 of us that share the apartment with two to a bedroom. Darwin Ross shares with Ken and I share with Michael Allred who I think is the best of all of us.

I am still expecting Darwin and Debbie Holbrook to marry some day they are such a fun couple. Ken Lewis and Sarah Francis are really thick together and I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t get married. Ken is so eager to marry someone. Sarah took Nancy Geiger’s contract at the Seville and is Debbie Holbrook and Janie Posey’s roommate.

            Janie Posey and I have broken up and she is pretty thick now on Mike Allred,  but he only likes her as a friend. Denise Smith, I know is thick on me, but I only like her as a close friend kind of like I did Laura Edmunson at Cal State Fullerton.

            Kathy Ausderau has finally settled in Provo although she’s not enrolled at BYU and just lives a couple of blocks northeast of the rest of us.

22 September 1973 Saturday

Additional Material

"Let's Get It On" knocked Delta Dawn out of the number 1 spot for another week.

23 September 1973 Sunday

The 41^st Branch Priesthood Meeting began at 9:16 this morning with 83 men in attendance at Farrer Junior High.  President Warner was presiding and Dick Wilson conducting the meeting. The opening song was “We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet” led by Roscoe Orton. The invocation was offered by Jim Nichols. The announcements were that there will be a Fireside with Stake President Robert Daines speaking for non-members to be held at St. Francis at 8:30 this evening. Football block seating is available and for intramural events. In the Business session we discussed that there is a “back to the Temple Day” set for September 26.

We sustained in the Elder’s Quorum, Bro. Art Meacham as Group Leader of the Family Exaltation program and Bro. Scott Larsen as Elder Quorum Rest Home Coordinator in the Welfare Committee. Bro. Mike Dorais was sustained as Assistant Secretary to the Elder Quorum’s Secretary. The lesson was on the Authority of the Priesthood taught by Rob Robson. The benediction was given by Randy Leyton. The meeting was dismissed at 10:15.

24 September 1973 Monday

            I went to Family Home Evening with my assigned BYU family group from the 41^st Branch. The Sisters in our group are Marta Gillings, Karen Hunt, Chris Burke, Piper Ballou, Mardene Francis, Linda Prindle, Leila Olson, Barbara Smith, Rita Wilcox, Carol Starr, and others I can’t recall right now. Most of them, Mardene, Linda, Leila, Barbara, Rita, and Chris live in the Seville Apartments an all-girl residence. The other Sisters like Marta, Karen, and Piper live in an old house at 303 East 100 North.

            I like Marta who is a senior from Richmond Virginia and is very strong and independent and wears a lot of flannel and jeans except on Campus and at church of course. I like how she is not petite. Karen is red haired and kind of hippie in a sort of way. She doesn’t seem all that interested in BYU. Chris Burke, Rita Wilcox, Barbara Smith, and Carol Starr are nice and much older than the other girls. Leila Olson is the youngest in the group barely 18 years old with long straight blond hair and a pixie face. We all feel protective of her as the “baby” in the family.

            Linda Prindle and Mardene Francis both have started making eyes at Mike Allred as he’s a Returned Missionary which makes me chopped liver in their eyes. Mardene is a senior. She has a younger sister named Sara who is a Freshman. Darwin Ross is so involved with Debbie Holbrook still that I doubt whether he will participate much in Family Activities.  There were lots of treats tonight I suppose to let us guys know what good cooks the sisters are.

25 September 1973 Tuesday

Mike Allred offered me a ride to work because it was raining. At the Wilkinson Center I saw Elder Gordon B. Hinckley who had just finished addressing the student body at the Devotional. He just came back from the Australia Mission Field, and he spoke about God giving us knowledge through the Holy Spirit.

26 September 1973 Wednesday

I didn’t go to my English 321 Class today but rather read from my journals and decided to appreciate the heritage I have even if not “Born Under the Covenant”.  As I was walking up 200 East to go to work, when Darwin Ross spotted me and offered me a ride which I accepted.

I had to work making “Quickies” burgers off the grill in the Cougareat from 11:30 to 2:30 through the lunch rush crowd. Rob worked with me until 1 and Jess Johnson comes in at noon until 3 so I am never working by myself.  It was pretty slow today, but it was good because my attitude is improving about work,

After work, I went to the Dean of Student Life to see if my Student Body Card was found but it wasn’t. Then I went to my History of Utah Class. The lecture today was on the Donner Party and the Mormon Battalion.

Right immediately afterward, I have my Biblical Hebrew Class. Finally, the Instructor said our Text Book will be in the bookstore tomorrow. The shipment was lost, then it was sent to the Library but finally tomorrow we will get our books. It’s about time.

27-28 September 1973

No Entries

29 September 1973 Saturday

The Carpenters are coming to BYU on October 12^th to perform in the Marriott Center as part of Homecoming Week. I wish I could afford to go but the tickets are $4 each. The comedy team Skiles and Henderson will open for them.  The poet W.H Alden died in Vienna at the age of 66. I read some of his work in English Literature.  He and Christopher Isherwood were good friends.

Additional Material

"We're an American Band" by Grand Funk was the number 1 song for a week

W.H. Alden and Christopher Isherwood had been lovers.

30 September 1973 Sunday

Priesthood Meeting began at 9:15 this morning with 76 in attendance. President C Terry Warner  presided, and Bro. Tim Garbett conducted the meeting. During announcements we were admonished to attend General Priesthood Meeting in Salt Lake City next week. Home Teaching District leaders are to meet with the Elder Quorum’s Presidency at 4 this afternoon.  The opening hymn was “The Spirit of God Like A Fire I Am burning” led by John Mourtgas. The Invocation was offered by Bro. Clare Hall. During business the brethren were asked to meet with Bro. Paul Smith for Fast and Testimony offerings. The brethren were also asked to participate in a Welfare program next Saturday leveling an elderly lady’s yard at 8 in the morning. Genealogical work to be planned also. The lesson was on Blessings and the Bestowal of Blessings.

            The Fast and Testimony Meeting began at 11:30 with 236 people in attendance. Bro. John Gardner presided over the meeting with President C Terry Warner conducting. The prelude music was provided by Sister Hammond.

It was announced that there is a Ten Stake Fireside tonight at the Marriott Center with Elder Spencer W Kimball, President of the Quorum of the Twelve as speaker. After Sunday school there will be a signup sheet for “setting apart” to alleviate unnecessary waiting for those who have callings. Budget cards are available for 50 cents. All are encouraged to pay budget and church building fund. We were admonished to attend General Priesthood Meeting next Saturday and to watch all of next week’s General Conference Sessions. There will be a special Interest program on October 17 featuring Carol Pearson and Reba Keele as speakers. The Topic will be “Daughters of Light”.

The opening song was “Father In Heaven” led by Sister Nielsen. The Invocation was offered by Bro. Zimmerman. During Branch business we sustained Sister Renee North as Meeting House Librarian, and John Mourtgas as Choir President.  Sister Marilyn King as Relief Society’s Homemaking Teacher, Sister Karma Groenig as Special Service Coordinator, Sister Cheryle Farmer as Compassion Service leader, Sister Doretta Thorup, Sister Janie Posey, and Sister Linda Erickson as Cultural Teachers, Sister Cathy Nielsen as Assistant Special Interest Home leader, Sister Sharon Barker as Chorister in Relief Society, and Sister Joan Hoppe as Relief Society exaltation teacher.

As Sunday School teachers we sustained Sister Cathy Moore and Bro Roger Foote. Sister Fay Jenkins was an assistant to the Sunday School presidency, Sister Natalie Brown was Sunday School Chorister, and Sister Kelly Jamison as Sunday School Pianist.

In the Young Adult Mutual Improvement Association were sustained Sisters Debbie Powers, Sue Roberts, Lynn Bodily, Donnette Gibbey, Justine Davis, Corrine Thompson, Robin Parker, and Cherie Fisher were sustained as assistant counselors.

The Sacrament hymn was “How Great the Wisdom and the Love”. The Sacrament was administered by Steven Barker, Paul Burnham, and Kirk Hammon. It was passed by Dirk Merrill, Larry Kocherhans, Richard Eldredge, Gordon Zimmerman, Dick Wilson, Lynn Ballard, Alan Morgan, and Randy Leyton. Testimonies rendered were by President C Terry Warner, Sisters Cathy Moore, Judy Brammer, Barbara Smith, Eileen Hunt, Denise Smith, Trudy Gross, Kathy Hymas, Marilyn King, Janie Posey, and Sue Roberts, and Brothers Chris Burt, Guerry Green, Dick Wilson, Jim Swenson, Lee Ivy, David Geesaman, and Rex Mayberry. The closing hymn was “The Lord Is My Shepherd”. The benediction was given by Alan Morgan. 

There was a 10 Stake Fireside with President Spencer W Kimball of the Quorum of the Twelve Speaking at the Marriott Center. All he talked about was not postponing marriage and to marry early without letting getting an education in the way.