Spring 2nd Quarter Journal 1973 April -June

 

APRIL

In April I was forced from Paradise into the “lone and dreary” world. The Winter Semester ended on April 20^th, and I was in a vortex of emotions as my homosexual feelings of love was surfacing at the same time, I was trying to suppress them with religious indoctrination. I was so distraught over leaving the association of the young men I had grown to love that I started to care less about my school work and more of spending the last few weeks enjoying the company of being with these “innocents.”  I even missed taking some finals in order to see some of these young men off as the left for their missions.

            I stayed in Bill Hall’s room a lot listening to the radio with his head set on while lying on the floor. The Steely Dan song Reeling In the Years was especially poignant to me and my experiences with Bill.

“Are you reelin' in the years Stowin' away the time Are you gatherin' up the tears  Have you had enough of mine…You been tellin' me you're a genius Since you were seventeen In all the time, I've known you I still don't know what you mean The weekend at the college Didn't turn out like you planned The things that pass for knowledge I can't understand…  I spend a lot of money And I spent a lot of time The trip we made in Hollywood Is etched upon my mind After all the things we've done and seen You find another man The things you think are useless I can't understand.”

            When Bill Hall, Jim Kronus, Jim Lillis, and I made a quick weekend trip home to California to go to Disneyland, the following day before heading back to Utah we all drove into Hollywood so they could see Grauman’s Chinese Theater and other sites. So, the lyrics the trip we made to Hollywood stood out to me as well as the Weekend at the college and the things that passed for knowledge, I can’t understand was especially relevant as that all my classes were now seemingly meaningless compared to my relationships, I was making with the young men in Chipman.

            Another song I listened to over and over again as my time in the dorm was fast coming to an end was the Doobie Brothers’ Drift Away. “Beginning to think that I'm wastin' time I don't understand the things I do The world outside looks so unkind I'm countin' on you to carry me through…Thanks for the joy that you've given me I want you to know I believe in your song.”

            My main obsession of course was with Bill Hall, a sweet young man who was funny and dorky and adorable. My second passion was the completion of the Gnostic manuscript for which I felt that I had been sent to Utah. I can only explain my meeting with Paul H Dunn, on was amounted to my last day of the school semester, as “divine” intervention as I did nothing to promote the meeting myself. However, the meeting did reinforce my belief that the Mormon Church was true and that I had a special calling. I think it was my younger self’s way of trying to reconcile my deep love for John Cunningham and my deep religious upbringing. I had to make sense of why I had these homosexual feelings. If I was abnormal that abnormality had to have a special purpose.

            It was almost a shock to my system when I finally returned to California from the Mormon cocoon I had been incased in at BYU. None of my family or friends could understand what I had been through, and I found that it was almost impossible to relate to them. I was as isolated from my former life, now being a Mormon, as much or even more so when I was hiding my homosexuality.

            I never felt quite as lonely in my life as when I returned to California at the end of April. I felt hollowness inside of me.

1 April 1973 Sunday

Today was Fast Sunday. The Testimonial Meeting was so fantastic with all the guys who have received their Mission Calls baring witness to the truth of the Gospel. When we sang “I Stand All Amazed”, I started to weep and Janie Posey, my BYU sister hugged my hand.

2-3 April 1973

No Entries

4 April 1973 Wednesday

Additional Material

The World Trade Center officially opens in New York City with a ribbon cutting ceremony.

5-7 April 1973

No Entries

8 April 1973 Sunday

I was up at 10 this morning as there wasn’t any church because of General Conference. I listened to the first session and then got cleaned up some. I wanted to talk to Bill Hall this morning about what happened last night, but nobody seemed to know where he was since he never came back to his dorm last night.

            From Jim Lillis I found out that he went to Salt Lake for Conference with Blaine. That made me upset, because he didn’t ask me to come along even though Bill knew how much I wanted to go to Temple Square as I had never been there before.  Wayne Tuck saw how disappointed I was, and he asked if I wanted to go to Salt Lake with him because I said I was going, even if I had to walk or hitchhike.

            Wayne said his brother was driving down to pick him up to attend his Patriarchal Blessing in Salt Lake and he wanted Tuck to be there. Tuck said I could go with them to Salt Lake. I arrived at Temple Square at 2 in the afternoon just as the last session of Conference began. I wasn’t able to get into the Tabernacle, but I was sitting with thousands of others gathered in the square listening to Conference on speakers. I was just overflowing with joy sitting so close to where the Prophet was speaking, even if I couldn’t see him.

Tuck and his brother James came back and picked me up at 5 in the late afternoon. We went over to his Aunt’s small modest house on 800 West and  500 South where Tuck’s family had an open house. Tuck’s people are “Salt of the Earth” type and not pretentious.  We left to go back to Provo at 9 at night. Two girls, one was a girlfriend of Tuck’s cousin and another girl, named Beth, rode with us back down with me squeezed in the middle between them in the back seat. I fell head over heels infatuated with Beth. Oh well.

This a letter Mon sent me from Grandma Johnson: Sunday evening Dear June and Edgar, Hope Both are feeling better. Edgar I was talking with a fellow that has your physical condition. Said he had the old Asia flu in December and hadn’t had enough strength to do anything since. Doctor said that was the way it effected some people and nothing they could do about it just to ware [wear] it out.  Snowed and sleeted this morning. We went to church. Been trying to thaw out all evening. My Roses are trying to bloom but they look more like the last Rose of Summer and Easter 3 weeks off so we can have lots of snow yet. Mr. and Mrs. Hudson from Lubbock are down. They had seen Huskeys here. Said he  [Mr. Husky] had worked in Louisiana all winter of course she [Mrs. Husky] teaches  Said didn’t know when they would ever be down. The grandbaby’s were fine. Clee and Raymond haven’t got down yet. Such weather there [they’re] better off at home.  Neather [neither] has Alice and Spencer got over.  Weren’t long now, till Jr will be ready to go home. Just hope you and Edgar can go up there. I sent him a Birthday card  don’t know where [whether] he got it or not. Did Carol and her hippies go back to their Canyon. Hope Charline and Dennis get there house. Glad you sent the clippin’ about the Bees. Will try and keep them informed about these things. Sure, don’t want them to quit making honey. There not a thing of news so we’ll close. Looks like going to be a cold night. Love you all Mama and Daddy.

Addition Memoirs

Wayne Nolan Tuck was kind of rough around the edges but had a good heart and he and I became good friends long after our days at BYU. In fact, I asked him to be my Best Man at my wedding in 1977.  I lost track of him afterwards, but he was a good man. As for Beth, who knows? I wanted to be infatuated with a girl but in truth I was already in love with Bill Hall.

In Grandma’s letter, she never punctuated or capitalized the beginning of her sentences. She would often randomly capitalize a word for no particular reason. The Huskeys were family friends who had a lot next to my grandpa’s at Lake Stamford. The Huskeys had three kids, two girls and a boy who were about the ages of my sister Donna and I while we stayed with my Grandparents during summer vacations in the 1960’s.  Carol who she was referring to be the daughter of Jean Horan, my mom’s best friend.

9 April 1973 Monday

Mark Contrell asked me to plan the last Family Home Evening activity for the year. We joined with Alan Skidmore’s family and went out to Provo Canyon to Vivian Park where we set up a Campfire. It was really nice.

            Kathy Ausderau and Robyn Pearson came with me down to the Provo River to get some water to make Kool-Aid and I shared the cookies that Laura Edmundson sent up for my birthday. We sat around the campfire singing Primary Songs that I didn’t know and some hymns. Janie Posey brought her guitar with her, and she taught us some camp songs.

            It was a really nice Family Home Evening, it being our last as a BYU family. I only wish Bill Hall would have come.

Additional Memoirs

Kathy Ausderau was part of my life in the fall of 1973 when I was roommates with Michael John Allred. She became very indispensable to Michael and me being able to become close. She was from California and much more astute than I realized and was one of the first to realize that I had a strong crush of Michael.  I don’t know if I ever learned to spell her name correctly. She was a slightly plump girl and attached herself to me not romantically but sort of like what would have been termed a “Fag Hag”.

Janie Posey was a sweet girl who I misused pretending I had more feelings for her than I did as I tried to act heterosexual as I was caught up in BYU’s match making.

10 April 1973 Tuesday

Today was the greatest and happiest birthday so far of my life. This morning Brian Smith and Bob Dalley and some others came into my room, woke me up and wished me  Happy Birthday. Elbert Peck gave me a book called “Mediation and Atonement” written by President John Taylor for my birthday.

            At supper, Tawnya Fewkes wanted me to eat with her and Bill Hall. She is going by the name TJ now and it kind of fits her personality. Afterwards I walked with Bill and her to Budge Hall where she presented me with a birthday cake she had made. I was really moved because she didn’t even know me that well. I said a silent prayer thinking “Thank thee O God for the sweet spirits you have shown me.”

            Bill then asked me to go to the show with them for my birthday. We walked downtown to the Fox Theater where we saw “Sounder.”  Bill paid our way. I never had such a thoughtful birthday by such wonderful people before.

Additional Memoirs

Actually, it was only the happiest birthday because I was able to spend time with Bill Hall and that he had given me some special attention. I turned 22 years old making me one of the oldest person on my dormitory floor except for Jim Lillis.

11 April 1973 Wednesday

Tonight, Randy Gormley and I got into a fight of sorts, and he thought he had to be so hard. I had written Bill Hall earlier a note that I considered very personal of which evidently Randy knew the contents. I was furious with Bill for sharing it with Randy and we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning discussing it.

            I then revealed to Bill of all the things that had brought me to BYU, all the visions and visitations from the very first one from the Angel Nashebaum to the very last of which I saw the Plates of Jared. In a very limited way, I told him about the writings in my possession and the Law of Eternal Friendship and of my love and appreciation for him.  He was truly amazed, and he didn’t know what to think except that he said that what I told him must be true.

Additional Memoirs

Nashebaum was the imaginary name of the Angel who appeared to me in either a vision or hallucination that I had July 9^th 1971 in Texas on my Grandparents farm, which led me on the path to Mormonism and later Gnostic Sprit Writing that I first shared with Kent Larson in October 1972.

 I can’t explain all this except I may have had a self-induced delusion to make a spiritual connection between being homosexual and being religious. The conflict may have manifested itself as having a divine purpose to make sense of me being homosexual.

In the auto-writings attributed to The Book of Jared, homosexuality was part of a “higher” Jaredite Priesthood consisting of the pure love between equals. The context was that it was the Priesthood of the Jaredites who came to Ancient America in order to preserve it.

I actually don’t remember much of what was written as I gave it all to LDS Church Authorities in October 1973 after I had nervous breakdown at BYU.

12 April 1973

No Entry

13 April 1973 Friday

This afternoon while I was praying, the spirit came to me and said that next Wednesday I should go to Salt Lake City and deliver up the Gospel of St. Peter to a General Authority for their judgment.  I was surprised because always before when Elbert Peck and Jim Lillis had admonished me to give it up to a proper Priesthood Authority, I told them, I could not until the Lord instructed me to do so.

            Tonight at 11, I was in Bill Hall’s room and the two of us were discussing the things I had shared with him before and out of the blue, Bill informed me that I had an appointment to see Elder Paul H Dunn this next Wednesday. I was more than shocked. I was stunned.

            When I asked him again to make sure it wasn’t a joke, he said that, early at 5 this afternoon, he had decided to contact the Church’s headquarters. I knew then that the Lord’s hand was sure and swift in this endeavor but to what end I know not.

            I spent the remainder of the night copying the Gospel of St Peter into the manuscript.

14 April 1973 Saturday

I stayed holed up in my dorm room copying the manuscript way into the morning hours recopying the 150 pages of the Gospel so that Elder Dunn should have a copy as flawless as possible.

Additional Material

"The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" by Vicki Lawrence has been the number one song for the past two weeks.

15 April 1973 Sunday

I stopped working on the Gospel of St. Peter and worked most of the day on the MIA floor paper. Many of the kids on the floor are extremely curious about what I am doing holed up in my room but only Elbert Peck, Bill Hall, and Stewart Weed know the full extent of what I am doing. Wayne Tuck, Jim Kronus, Jim Lillis, and Randy Gormley know a little about the work but that’s all.

16 April 1973 Monday

Already some of the kids on the floor have moved out to go home to prepare for their Missions. Joey Walker, Ken Speck, Brian Krapec, and Brian Smith to name a few. I had two finals today, but they weren’t important to me.

            TJ Fewkes left this night to fly home to Canoga Park, California. I was quite surprised to find out that  TJ more or less had dropped Bill Hall for Joey Walker when she was so in love with Bill. I could hardly believe it. What a foolish girl. Bill was just starting to care for her.

            In the evening our BYU family decided to get together one last time. It was so sad. I was just starting to get to know my family enough to really come to love them. We went over to Gordon and Judy Buck’s place as they are our family advisors. On the way home,  since Randy Leavitt had left earlier, we stuffed Bill Hall, Janie Posey, and Melina Lowry in the trunk of Mark Cottrell’s car to go back to Helaman Hall. It was so funny.

            Back at the dorm, Richard Ridge had stolen Bill’s room key and had hid it in my room. Bill immediately thought it was me who was the culprit all along. Since he had accused me, I thought I might as well do it for real. So, I took his key and he then found out about it. We wrestled for about a half an hour with him trying to get the key away from me. It finally took both Rich and Bill to get it away from me. It was really strange because while we were wrestling after a while it wasn’t a game anymore but rather the key became to me symbolic of Bill’s friendship and it took heaven and hell to get it away from me.

When Bill finally pried it from my hand, I almost burst into tears. Bill and I were completely exhausted and while we lay side by side, I told him why the key meant so much to me because he meant so much to me. I’ll never forget saying, “May be it’s because I wanted the key to your friendship that I fought so hard.”  He then said, “never ever forget that I am your friend.”

When we finally got off the floor, he wanted to go get some Jerry Burgers, but I just wanted to sleep because wrestling with Bill made me super tired. I went into his room and fell asleep. When Bill returned, he woke me because I was talking in my sleep, and he said I uttered  so many mysterious things.

Additional Memoirs

My finals were so unimportant to me by this time that I didn’t even go to class to take them so I could say goodbye to my friends.

If your replace the word friendship with “love” the true meaning of why I was wrestling with Bill as did Jacob and the Angel’s blessing seems more clear. I was “super tired” more from my strained emotions than physically.

Rich Ridge was Brian Smith’s roommate, and their room was next to mine. Rich was sent on a Mission to Austria while Brian was sent to Columbia South America.

Jerry's Burgers was a 24-hour, beach-themed hamburger stand at 1151 N. Canyon Road that was within walking distance from Helaman Halls. It was the only restaurant in Provo opened 24 hours a day.

 Kids from the hall made a regular trek to the hamburger joint because it wasn’t expensive and had the best college food, especially when we were hungry after the Commons closed for the evening.

The original "Jerry Burger," was one of the best hamburgers I had ever eaten, and the place stayed in my mind for years. It had just opened 4 July 1972 and was a popular hangout especially for California kids because of its Beach Theme. 

The  Burger consisted of  the following: "You start with the bottom bun, add a big -- and I mean really big -- slice of tomato, mustard, pickles, chopped onion, beef patty, chili gravy, a big slice of cheese and the top bun." The owner said. "The keys are the big tomato and the chili gravy."

 Jerry's was also home to great homemade French fries and "Jerry's Old-Fashioned Lime Rickey" which was populate as caffeinated drinks were forbidden to BYU students. I always ordered a Cherry Ricky as it was about a third of a cupful of ice slush then any flavored syrup you wanted and Sprite.

17 April 1973 Tuesday

Darwin Ross came to me and asked if I wanted to move in with him this fall. I said sure and later my family father Mark Cottrell decided to move in with us also off campus rather than move back into the dorms.

            In the evening Rod Peterson, Clark Stevens, Randy Leavitt, Wayne Tuck, Bill Hall, and I went to the Wilkinson Center to go bowling as a last of the Semester activity. Afterwards I was going to go with Bill, Brad Omer, and Wayne Tuck to the Varsity Theater to see Tora Tora Tora. They went in before I did, and then I remembered that Bill had lost my Activity Card so I could not even buy a ticket.  So, I went back to the dorms somewhat upset especially when Bill or any of them didn’t even apologize for not waiting for me. But then it was my fault too and God love every one of them.

Additional Material

Rod Peterson was Clark Steven’s roommate, and he was sent to the East California Mission

Tora, Tora, Tora was a 1970 Japanese American biographical war drama film that dramatizes the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.

18 April 1973 Wednesday

Today had such a dream like quality to it. It’s my last official day here at BYU and in Chipman Hall. Wayne Tuck and Bob Dalley both left for home at 10:30 this morning and I had a final to take at 10 for Bro. Montgomery’s class on the History of the Middle East so I missed seeing them off. I miss Tuck so badly. He was my best friend and supporter on the floor.  This morning as I left for class, I started crying seeing him pack up and I told him to be good and God Bless him until we met again.  I was so upset that I am sure I bombed my final.

            Bill Hall avoided seeing me all morning which I guess it was just as well as I had prayed and fasted for two days whether he should come with me to Salt Lake or not, but the Lord whispered “no” that this is something I had to do without him. I was so upset because I so wanted Bill to be with me but after Bro. Barrett’s Doctrine and Covenants Class at 2 in the afternoon final, which only took me a half an hour to take because I didn’t care, I went back to the dorm to get dressed in my Sunday clothes to go to Salt Lake.

            Ken Lewis said he’s drive me there, so I gave him $2.50 for gas.  We left near 3 in the afternoon and arrived there a little before 4. My appointment with Bro. Dunn was at 4 but when I went to his office, his Secretary said he was running a little behind. So, I didn’t get to see him until 4:30. During the meantime, Ken and I walked over the visitor center at Temple Square and looked around for a while.

            Paul H. Dunn’s office was in the old LDS Administration Building on the 4^th Floor, Office 407, I believe. He shared an office compartment with the Apostle Gordon Hinckley.  Ken stayed behind in the waiting room as I was told to come in to Elder Dunn’s Chamber.

            Bro. Paul Dunn is a very polite man. He asked me about such things as my schooling and other light subjects. Before I told him why I had come, I gave him the book he wrote that Janie Posey wanted him to autograph for her if he would and which he did.

            Then I very nervously and very scared to death, gave him what I believe to be the Gospel According to St. Peter. He read the introduction I had written before the manuscript. It was hard for me to gage what he thought about what he was reading but then he put it down and said that he would give it to The First Presidency of the Church which is the proper authority to decide whether this is true or of the Adversary. I was almost shaking by the time the interview was over.

            Ken was just brimming with curiosity of why I had met with Bro. Dunn, but I couldn’t tell him anything at all except that what I had given Bro Dunn was in the hands of The First Presidency. He then asked me that if there was anything I could share with him, then to write him this summer. I said I would if I am allowed.

            All the way home to Provo, I was in a daze. To think that something of mine was in the hands of the First Presidency! Back at the dorms I told Elbert Peck as much as I dared and he exclaimed, “Here I’ve been a member of the church all my life and you’re a convert of less than a year and have already hit the big time!” I thought his saying that was funny.

            All the great joy of meeting with Bro Dunn faded away however when Bill Hall, Jim Lillis, and Monte Schlerf went bowling without even asking me along. At first, I was hurt but then I made up my mind that I was not going to be a fool and ruin my last night here in the dorms.

            When Bill Hall and the others returned, I acted like nothing had happened and was super friendly. I asked Bill to go for a walk with me and we walked up to Jerry Burgers. Along the way I told him I was sorry for being such a pain at times and that his friendship means more to me than anything else in my life.

            Later that night, even with Jim Lillis hanging around, Bill and I talked, messed around, and really had a good time, our last night in the dorms. Bill finally fell asleep about 4 in the morning, in Jim’s room, while I went back to my own room and did all this last-minute cleaning and packing.

            Finally, at 4:30 I went into Bill Hall and Randy Gormley’s room and put on their stereo head phones. I laid in the dark listening to the Radio Play “Reeling in the Years” and “Drift Away”.

Additional Memoirs

I think it’s ironic that I met with Paul H. Dunn who’s meteoric rise in the leadership ranks of the LDS Church was propelled by false stories he told about his World War II combat experiences and professional baseball career. The stories were not born out of his actual experiences, but out of his vivid imagination. They were complete fabrications that were repeated over and over, from the pulpit, in books, and on audiocassettes. 

What Dunn was doing was basically “Lying for the Lord” which is a derisive expression to describe LDS leaders’ untruthful public and press statements. 

When I met with Dunn, he was 48 years old just six days away from his 49^th birthday. He was at the time widely considered one of the most dynamic LDS speakers in the 1970s. 

The book Janie Posey gave me to have him sign was his “I Challenge You… I Promise You,” one of over fifty books he wrote to inspire LDS Youth. His books told of extraordinary "real life" experiences that he claimed were from his past.

However, in the late 1980s, a number of investigators, including Arizona Republic reporter Lynn Packer and church critics Jerald and Sandra Tanner, accused Dunn of fabricating, or embellishing many of these events. 

In 1991, Dunn admitted that he had "not always been accurate" in his speeches and writings.  He never was disciplined for his falsehoods as they were “inspiring”, but it was a scandal nevertheless and when Queer Nation protested LDS Conference in 1991 some of the posters claimed, “Dunn fabricates but Packer lies”, referring to Paul H Dunn and Boyd K Packer. I never heard a word back from the First Presidency and now I doubt that my writings went any further than Dunn’s Wastebasket however there is a slight possibility they are in some church secret archives somewhere.

19 April 1973 Thursday

This morning around 5, Bill Hall came back to his room and into his own bed to sleep while I lay on the floor next to him listening to music from the radio and thinking about all the wonderful experiences and good times, I’ve had this semester and how quickly it have passed. How blessed is the God of Joseph who brings us such joy.

            Jim Lillis left at 5:45 this morning to catch his 6 O’clock bus back to Buffalo, New York. Bill was going to see him off, but he was too tired to get up from his bed. So, I finally had what I wanted, for at least one hour, and that was, some alone time with just Bill and me. I watched him as he slept. It went by so quickly.

            I had to wake Bill up at 7 so he could go take his Accounting Final. I spent the remainder of the morning rushing around dealing with last minute details. Darwin Ross was able to get me a ride to Los Angeles with Nancy and Greg Geiger who I was to meet at 10:30  so I had to get everything ready by then to leave. First, I had Rich Ridge take me down to the Bus Depot where I paid to have all my packages sent home. I had 144 pounds of stuff that cost me $20 to ship.

            I then checked out of my room at 8:30 this morning and turned in my key. I didn’t even have time to get nostalgic about the space I had lived in for three months in which I had some of the greatest moments of my life.

            Finally, the dreaded 10:30 came and Bill Hall was still not back from taking his final. Elbert Peck helped me carry some things that I was taking home with me to Budge Hall where I was to meet Nancy and Greg. However, they weren’t there yet so I rushed back to Chipman to see if I could catch Bill Hall there. He was just stepping out of the building, and I was so confused, anxious, and upset about leaving him. I just grabbed his hand and hardly could say goodbye. I was so choked up. When I did the tears just swelled in my eyes. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I just wanted to stay a few minutes longer looking into his young face, but I had to hurry away back to Budge Hall as not to miss my ride. I did not look back or I wouldn’t have been able to control my tears.

            There at Budge, I met up with Greg and Nancy. I also said a quick goodbye to Janie Posey who was there to see me off. Even before I had a chance to cry at our farewells, we left.  Looking back out the rear window it now seems like it all had been a dream.

            The weather was crazy all through Utah, but we only hit really bad weather outside of St. George. Nearly all the cars on the road were BYU students heading back to California like one big mass exodus. I was a zombie all the way home to California and as I had shut down my emotions.

            Once in California, instead of having Greg and Nancy take me into Los Angeles I had them drop me off at the interchange of Freeway 10 and 57. From there I called Mom and Dad to come get me. I was home and  back in my old bed by 10:30 tonight.

Additional Material

As I was leaving BYU, I had no idea that the complete ban on any students with a homosexual orientation was lifted by Dallin H. Oaks, on this date 19 April 1973 at a Board of Trustees meeting. There it was decided BYU would allow students who had "repented of" homosexual acts and "forsaken" them for a "lengthy period of time." Additionally, students "guilty of irregular sexual behavior" (not including fornication or adultery equivalents) who were "repentant" and "showed evidence" that the act(s) would "not be repeated" would be admitted while "overt and active homosexuals" would still be barred from remaining and enrollment.

20 April 1973 Friday

This morning I was up at 11 still tired but I wanted to go over and see Sister Larsen, Tom, and Jean Johnson in the afternoon to find out where Kent was. But once over there things had really changed since I’ve been away or perhaps, I have. Kent was up at Cypress, but I couldn’t locate him there.

            My package and luggage I sent home from BYU came in today and in the evening, I was so lonesome for my BYU family that I even called TJ Fewkes up and found to my surprise that she was staying in Downey when I called her. I asked if I could come by this Saturday to see her, and she said sure. 

I started to write down an impression of my dormitory friends but didn’t get far with it.

Randy Leavitt roomed with Mark Cottrell in dorm room #2006. Randy was my BYU Family Home Evening brother though we didn’t really feel any connection or closeness. He didn’t participate in much of the hall activities or pranks although once or twice he joined Bill Hall in wrestling me and swatting me on the butt with Randy Gormley’s fraternity paddle. He was born 26 Dec 1953 and called Calgary, Canada home, even though he was American born. He didn’t hold any church or MIA offices or positions although he was an Elder in Israel and received his Mission Call to French Polynesia.

            Mark Cottrell was born 11 April 1953 and was my Family Home Evening “father”. He was quiet person and somewhat reserved. He’s majoring in Child Development and was a good family father. He’s from Evanston Wyoming and is a Westerner through and through. I imagine Mark and I will grow even closer as that this fall. Darwin Ross, he, and I will be sharing an apartment off campus.

            Darwin Ross is a great Saint and I truly admire him in his love for and knowledge of the Gospel. What the Lord neglected to give him in stature He over compensated by filling Darwin’s spirit with great compassion and love. Darwin was also my Family Home Evening brother and is an Elder in Israel, having served a mission in France and Belgium. He served in the 30^th Branch Priesthood Quorum as the 2^nd Counselor and in Sunday school, he is our Genealogy Representative. Darwin was born 18 September 1951 and is from Salt Lake City and this is his freshman year at BYU. He’s really undecided about his major right now although he leans towards Political Science and History.  Darwin was one of the first kids on the floor who I met, and I must admit, he set the tone for the friendships and love that I developed for the rest of the boys of the hall.  About mid semester, Darwin and Debbie Holbrook started going together and they are a dynamic pair! Darwin is so love sick over Debbie that it’s pathetic but understandable. I think I will grow closer to Darwin also next semester when we move out together. It was Darwin who thought enough of me to ask Nancy and Greg Geiger if I could ride home with them and loaned me $10 to get home on when I knew he had none to spare.

            Monte Christensen was Darwin Ross’ roommate. I’m sorry I didn’t get too know Monte as well as I should have. He’s a tall lanky likeable fellow who is an Elder in Israel preparing to go on a Mission to the Netherlands. He was born 21 Nov 1953 and calls Monticello, Utah home. He chummed around mainly with Joey Walker and Malcolm Hunt who lived right across from Darwin and Monte in room 2202.

Joey, I got to know fairly well and Malcolm somewhat. They are both from Waterflow, New Mexico and were born 3 days apart. Joey was born 7 Aug 1953 and Malcolm on 4 Aug 1953.  Joey came to me several times concerning a girlfriend of his in New Mexico who was a Campbellite as I had been so that he might learn more about what his girlfriend believed. He wanted to know if I could change from the Church of Christ to being a Latter Day Saint, how could he convince his girlfriend to accept the Gospel.

Malcolm Hunt is a photographer of sorts who took a lot of hall activities. The two pictures he gave me are from the Fifties Dance.  Joey was a Family Home Evening “father” and Malcolm was a Home Teacher.

Sid Turner was a strange and complex person who I never really understood. He was born 25 July 1954 and is from the San Diego, California area. He like me, left the Campbellites Church of Christ against out parent’s wishes to join the Latter-Day Saints. Therefore, by rights we should have become good friends, but our personalities clashed somewhat. He’s very athletic and I am not. He was the hall champion in all sports, but I don’t think he ever was completely converted to the Gospel for he expressed to me that he had doubts about the divinity of the Book of Mormon. He also took advantage of some of the kids in the hall that I didn’t approve of. Not maliciously but just naturally as part of his competitive personality.  He was a munch mouth for sure and was always there when food packages were sent to kids. Because of that Wayne Tuck and Sid didn’t get along that well.

21 April 1973 Saturday

I drove to Downey to see TJ Fewkes, but her mother said she wasn’t home. That was disappointing. I wonder why she wasn’t home. I feel so lonesome and abandoned.

22 April 1973 Sunday Easter

My nephew and niece James and Denise came over to Mom’s to go Easter Egg hunting but other than that nothing was special this Easter except for a phone call from Bill Hall. About 9:30 this Easter morning, the day became fantastic when I got a long-distance phone call from Bill Hall in North Dakota. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe my ears that it was it really was for real.

He had just arrived home because they had to stop in Montana overnight because of a snow storm. He told me all about his getting a construction job for over the summer making $800 a month before he has to go serve his mission. He called to get TJ Fewkes phone number. I guess he hadn’t gotten the letter yet in which I sent it to him. He said that in my haste  that last day and in all the confusion, I had accidently left 2 pictures in his room that Malcolm Hunt had taken of the hall kids. I said he could keep them to remember all the fun we had together.   He also said that he probably won’t come out to California until August. I can wait. I can wait the eternities for the spirit of love dwells within me.

 I went to church back in my home Ward, by myself of course, and it felt so strange to do so. I felt so out of place for some reason. No one remembered me or tried to fellowship me. It didn’t feel the same as it did before I went to BYU. I feel like a no body here, while at BYU I felt like a person of worth. Maybe being home again, it will change how I feel.

23 April 1973 Monday

I went looking for work today and found employment right away at a Taco Bell just down the street at Gilbert and Katella. Work is work and I need the money that is for sure. Afterwards I drove to Cal-State Fullerton’s Institute of Religion and even there I felt out of place like a stranger even though Bro. Thompson and Sis. Neville were very friendly to me. I guess I have outgrown the Institute program.

24 April 1973 Tuesday

I drove to Cypress College to see my old history teacher Bro. Thomas V Reeve. We talked for a while about me having attended BYU and discussed many of the changes going on at Cypress. I told him about seeing Paul H Dunn however I couldn’t tell him the reason why.

            In the evening I was invited by Ralph and Brenda Ludders over for dinner. We had tacos and afterwards I read to them some of the MIA Newsletters I had been the editor for,  while I was at BYU. I told them of some of the fun times I had up at Brigham Young. I also told Ralph, who is my best friend, about everything, the visitation, the manuscript, the plates, seeing Elder Dunn, prophesying to Bill Hall, and expecting a letter from the First Presidency at any time. He was truly amazed.

            If it wasn’t for Ralph, I know none of this would have been possible/ I am deeply grateful that Ralph was a friend when I needed a friend desperately. I will never forget that, and I suspect neither shall my Father in Heaven.

Additional Memoirs and Material

            A letter from Mom’s cousin Rachel to my grandma Johnson: Tuesday A.M, Dear Ones, Thanks for the Easter Lily. It was beautiful and still is and will be, for has some blooms coming on. Mama did appreciate it. Mama is so much better. Doctor will let her leave hospital now if we could get a place at the Home. They thought yesterday but it didn’t come through. Surely something will develop today. Mama just has to go up there until we can see what we can do.  Betty and the 3 kids came Friday night. I know God made it possible. We almost killed ourselves. I’d never gotten it done if they hadn’t come. I took the boys and went to the basement. We found stuff that should have gone long years ago. Betty and Brenda tore the kitchen apart. Betty knows Mama’s kitchen better than I. They are left yesterday. Bill is nearly 20 and Brenda is 18 ½, Bob is 16. They are cute, sweet kids, Betty says good kids. She doesn’t have any trouble with them. She had done a good job.  They took a lot home with them, and a friend let me use her basement until Earline can come for some things. The boys moved all that over there, except a few things I have left here in the house. 2 or 3 hopes and 2 cedar chests. 1 mine’s and 1  mama’s. I’ll tell you a bunch never looked as good, and I would never have finished it alone. If I can get mama in the Home and sell this front bedroom set. I do still have a bed and that’s all. I hope to finish up in a few days. I wanted to stay long enough to see how Mama will adjust to the home. I’ve got to get back but may not be able to work. May go back and have a nervous breakdown. I’m about done in.  It’s a month today I came, and it’s been rough. Well yes, Aunt T I’ve had lots of sorrow and troubles in Canadian, but I’d know the people here are made of gold. They have done everything on earth for mama and me. Fixed food. Gave me transportation, washed Mama’s gowns part of the time. I’ve done them part time here by hand. Mama had a big washing and after the kids here on weekend, a little girl friend of the twins just insisted she take that big old wash last night and do it. In business ways they’ve been so nice. Some kids bought this house, and they are such nice kids. Sold the house dirt cheap but it’s old and not worth much. Everyone has made it easy as possible. I know if mama can stand the Home and we can afford it, she will be better off here. People she knows will visit her. The church will be good. I can’t stay home with her in Tucson, and I’d hate to put a dog in those homes out there. They are so expensive too. I’m just praying she gets better to where she can stay alone at my place. The people I rent from are right there and she is home all time. I know Earline isn’t strong enough to take on this load. I guess a step at a time and surely God will make a way some way. Not one word or anything from Shamrock. Mama wanted Uncle A to have grandpa’s old rocker and I have books and books she thought they would like.  I think their kids will keep them if they come up and get them. The rest is about gone. Just talked to the Home, they hope there will be a room before the day is over. It’s wait, wait. Do hope you both feel better. Easter was warm and beautiful here. Blew up cold yesterday and last night. We went to church Sunday. Didn’t seem like Easter, but I have faith there will be better days. I must get busy. If I don’t write again before I leave, I’ll write when I get home if I don’t get too cornered up. I know I’m needed on my job, and I pray I’ll have sense enough and strength enough to carry on. Thanks again for the plant. It is lovely. Thanks for your mail and encouragement. It has meant a lot. Just to heat from someone in a case like this and know they care means a lot. Time all gone I do thank you for your concern ad love, I hope if mama is ere a while, you can come up to see her. Best to all your family. Love Rachel.

25 April 1973 Wednesday

I started work at Taco Bell on Gilbert and Katella and worked an 11:30 to 2 in the afternoon lunch shift with a nice girl named Shannon. After work I came home for a little bit but then Mike, who is the manager, wanted me to come back and work some extra hours. I went worked the dinner rush shift from 5 to 7 this evening with a kid named Larry but at the Taco Bell on Gilbert and Garden Grove Boulevard.

            When I came home Mom, Charline, Dennis, and Donna were getting ready to go over to Carol and Mike Randall’s place in Laguna Beach Canyon to salvage some stuff they had abandoned. It seems that Tom and Jean Horan’s daughter Carol had married Mike Boyd Randall after John Grigg’s death in 1969. Mike is all mixed up in this Brotherhood of Eternal Love drug syndicate which is an LSD and dope pushing Organization.

            Anyway, Mike was arrested earlier this month and was supposed to have appeared in court yesterday but skipped out with Carol and their kids. He was out on a $30,000 bail bond which Tom and Jean raised by mortgaging their house which they now lost.

            Anyway, Mom had spent all day at Carol’s old house moving out furniture and keep sakes and this evening Jean said we could go and take anything we wanted that was left, like towels, sheets, blankets, and other household items.

            So, we went and salvaged about $200 worth of wood and lumber, a $400 canvas teepee, and lots of books, hippie clothes, and odds and ends that they had left behind. I was able to get quite a few really nice towels, blankets, and cooking utensil for my apartment next fall.     We didn’t get home until 11:30 helping Jean clean out that mess Carol left behind and I sure was tired.

Additional Memoirs

I knew Carol Horan all my life as she was the youngest daughter of my neighbor Tom and Jean Horan who lived across the street from my parents. Carol was their youngest daughter but was nearly a teenager when I was a youngster. She married this kid named John Griggs in 1961 and during their Beach Surfing stage I often babysat their two kids when I was in Junior High school.

The roots of the Brotherhood of Eternal Love began with John Griggs and his friends from high schools in Anaheim.  In 1966 John and Carol switch from being identified with the surfer era to being hippies and John and his friends incorporated the Brotherhood of Eternal Love as a church that year when I was 15. LSD as it’s sacrament. 

John dealt in pot and hashish to fund providing LSD at giveaway prices. Griggs eventually met Timothy Leary, the LSD Guru in the Summer of 1966 who helped him hook up with LSD manufactures.

I was a teenager at the time and had no idea how heavily Carol and John were involved in distributing of LSD all over California out of their Mystic Art Word Gallery in Laguna Beach.  I even had some of my own high school art work displayed in their gallery. 1967 was the Summer of Love and I would often see John and Carol’s hippie clan gathered across the street dressed in white cotton muslin clothing colorfully embroidered and with wreaths of flowers crowing their long hair. I wanted to be dressed like them.

I once even met Timothy Leary in Laguna Beach but at the time I had no idea who he really was. Jean Horan had a home sewing business making sails for sail boats but about this time she switch over to sewing huge canvas teepees that the hippies were living in up Laguna Canyon.

She employed me simply to help her pull the canvas through the power sewing machine because the weight of the canvas was so heavy. I loved being with Jean any way as she was my “second mom”.

These teepees were at least 16 feet tall and 40 feet in circumference and the hippies paid like $500 for each of them. Little did I know it was mostly from selling LDS that they had the money to buy these teepees.

In the summer of 1969 John Griggs died of an overdose while living up Laguna Canyon. It was at the end of July and right before the Charles Manson killings in August which forever changed the perception of freaky hippies. 

However, John Grigg’s death made him almost a mystical figure in the Brotherhood of Eternal Love and he was known as “Farmer John Griggs”. 

In 1970 Timothy Leary received a 10-year sentence for his 1968 LSD offenses.  John Griggs along with his partner Mike Randall had distributed 3.6 million tablets of LSD in the hay days between 1967 and 1973. Their product was known up and down California as "Orange Sunshine."

Eventually Carol married Mike Randall and raised John’s three kids including “Full Buck Moon” who was born just days before John’s death in 1969. The DEA was established in 1973 partly in response to the convictions of several members of the Brotherhood of Eternal Love and Nixon’s War on Drugs. 

In April 1973 Mike and Carol along with Jean Horan’s three grandkids fled and went into hiding. I think at first, they fled the country and all of them changed their names and identities even the kids. When ever Mom and Jean talked on the phone, they never discussed Carol’s where abouts because Jean’s phone was wiretapped. Mom said she wouldn’t have been surprised if ours was too.

Jean and Tom were eventually repaid the $30,000 they lost from refinancing their house when Mike skipped bail. An ad was placed in the Los Angeles Free Press soliciting funds to pay for a defense fund for the Brotherhood, money that went directly to Tom and Jean.

 I heard Mom say that the money was actually being sent from Mike and Carol, but it couldn’t be traced.  I also heard much later that Mike and Carol  hid out in New Mexico for years and years still dealing drugs and into Eastern Meditation Religions.

Mike and Carol are still prominent members of The Brotherhood of Eternal Love living the last I heard up in the Bay Area of California. Carol is revered as the widow of Farmer John the mystic prophet. And no, I never tried LDS willingly until I accidently ingested some in 2003 that were hidden in brownies at the Lazy Bear Retreat in Guerneville, California.

26 April 1973 Thursday

I worked again from 11:30 until 2 in the afternoon and then I came home and helped Charline and Donna go through a lot of the junk we collected from Carol’s house. Mom said that Jean told her that she is pretty sure her phone is being tapped by the FBI and for Mom not to discuss anything about Mike and Carol over the phone. I wonder if ours is being bugged also as sometimes you’d hear a click.

27 April 1973 Friday

I worked again from 11:30 until 2:30 and in the evening I took a plaster plaque I painted for my Aunt and Uncle because Marie wanted it to be more colorful. Later I went over to see what Tom and Jean Johnson were up to, but I don’t feel as close to them anymore because I think Kent has been pooh-paahing me to them about becoming a fanatic.

28 April 1973 Saturday

Today I just put up and packed away a lot of the pots, pans, dishes, and kitchen utensils that I will bring back with me for my Provo Apartment this fall. I don’t suppose I should tell Darwin Ross and them where I got them. I worked from 5 this evening until closing at 10:30 over at the 17^th Street Taco Bell in Santa Ana. I don’t like that stand to well, but the manger wants me to become the assistant manager there. It’s in a rough area.

30 April 1973 Monday

Additional Material

 President Richard Nixon announced that White House Counsel John Dean had been fired and that Attorney General Richard Kleindienst had resigned along with staffers H. R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman.

 

MAY

Preface

In May I was terribly lonely, missing the comradeship I knew at BYU. I really missed the homoemotional affection I had there and the feeling that I belonged. Being back in Garden Grove, California living back again under my parent’s roof at 22 made me feel useless and just spinning my wheels.

            All my old friends and acquaintances from Cypress College and Cal State Fullerton had moved on with their lives and I was no longer included in those circles. That was mainly my choice as I had insulated myself from the “Gentile” world which actually just isolated me from the California life style that had been my life experience before becoming a Mormon. As I had no intention of remaining in California any longer than I had to me was reluctant to make any new friends and I even stopped attending my Garden Grove Ward that felt alien to me and so unlike BYU’s Mormonism. Even my closest longtime friends like Jerry Smith could not relate to how I had changed. I lived and breathed Mormonism. It was the only way to make sense of my homosexuality and spirituality.

1 May 1973 Tuesday

I called my old Taco Bell boss, Duane Pickett  up this afternoon to see if he need any part time help because working for Mike’s Taco Bell just isn’t make me enough money. I had called my bank about a loan for this fall and while they said I could get one, they also said that I couldn’t get it until mid-September or even the 1^st of October sometime. This really puts ne in a dilemma as I felt the Lords commanded me to go back to Provo to attend Summer School, so I’d have to come up with $150 for tuition and another $300 in the fall or $450 altogether. That won’t even be counting living expenses such as food and rent.        So, I’m going to have to hold two jobs down if I’m even going to hope to have enough money to go back to BYU.

Anyway, Duane Pickett  said that he really needed help, so I guess I’ll start work back at Taco Bell in Anaheim  this coming Friday.

            I told mom how that I want to leave California for good as far as I know because there is nothing here for me anymore. Mom and Dad said they would take my Pinto off my hands when I go back to Provo and that’s a relief.

 I went back into world on 17^th Street at 4:30 and worked until 10:30. I’m working with a boy named Jeff Grubb and it’s interesting that he’s of the  Bahá'í Faith. I’ve heard of it bit knew very little of it. I was surprised to hear that they believe that Christ has already come in the form of their prophet who died sometime in 1890.

Additional Material

Seals and Crofts were a popular singing duo of songs like Summer Breeze, Diamond Girl, and Hummingbird who were members of the  Bahá'í Faith which made the religion kind of trending among spiritual seekers of the early 1970’s.       

2 May 1973 Wednesday

I packed some more of my stuff I want to take with me back to Provo today. I went through all my kitchen ware I retrieved from Carol Randall’s abandoned place just to know all that I have. I had to go into work at 4:30 at the stand at 17^th Street and Fairview in Santa Ana. I worked until 9 frying up taco shells which I hated. They didn’t even provide me with gloves, so I had to use a towel. I am not really happy here because the managers are really cheap, and the place is ran down. If they take so little pride in their place, why should I?

3 May 1973 Thursday

My grades from last Winter Term came in the mail today and they were as bad as I feared. Bro. David C Montgomery’s History of the Middle East  and Bro. Michael Seibt’s Historiography classes were the only classes where I got a C+ in. All the rest of were either D’s or failing. It was a disaster. I’m so depressed because I have never been below a B average in my entire college time. I am still hoping to hear from the First Presidency which will make it all worth it.

4 May 1973 Friday

I went back into work at 4 to finish frying some taco shells that I didn’t get to last night. Then I went on duty at 5 and worked with Joanna Nicholson until 7:30. Afterwards I worked by myself until closing. Then I drove clear over to State College and Lincoln in Anaheim from Santa Ana to work for Duane Pickett  at that Taco Bell from 11 at night until 7 in the morning.  I worked with a crew of a three people, a guy named Ted and 2 Mexican girls, Valinda Sanchez, and Patty Hernandez.  I really took a liking to them although I don’t know how well Ted and I will hit it off as he is an atheist.

5 May 1973 Saturday

When I got off my shift at 7 this morning, I came home pretty beat from working 13 hours let me tell you. I went to bed at 8 and slept until 3:30 in the afternoon when I had to get up to go back into work at the Taco Bell on Gilbert and Katella. It was only the dinner shift from 5 until 7 and hardly worth it but every penny helps. I feel as long as the Lord is near me, to strengthen me, help me, and hold me up by His righteous omnipotent hand, I can endure and persevere anything. I’m counting the days until I can go  back to Provo.

            At home I watched some TV and read some more from the Book of Mormon until I had to go back to Anaheim to work my graveyard shift. I’m studying the Book of Mormon carefully on my own now and the more I read and learn from it, the more daily I am convinced of its divine origins. 

6 May 1973 Sunday

I worked from midnight until 8 this morning and it was not too busy of a night. The only recordable event was when Ted and I got into a discussion about religion and God. He said he had no need of God and that I was using God like dope. He said that God was a farce and more or less that I was a fool. To his credit I must say that he was not vindictive, just ignorant.

            Anyway, within the restraints of my Aaronic Priesthood I prophesized to him that ill would befall him for renouncing God and I then bore him my testimony of the divinity of Christ and the truthfulness of the Church and the Gospel.

            When I left work, I went home and to bed so tired, My Lord is my rock and in him I draw strength from his abounding wells of plenty. I was too tired to attend church although I fasted all night as this day was Fast Sunday.

            I had to get up by 3:30 this afternoon to get ready to go back into work again at 5 and I worked until 10:30 at the 17^th Street Taco Bell stand.  When I was off work, I just came home and watch a movie on TV. It was Captain From Castile with Tyrone Powers in it.

            About 1 in the morning, Valinda Sanchez called me and said she was having some trouble with Ted but then as she was talking to me on the phone said she was able to solve it. I went to bed at 1:30 praising my Lord.

7 May 1973 Monday

 I was up this morning at 10:30 and around 12:30 in the afternoon; Duane Pickett  called me and said to me “What can I do to convince you to come work for me full time?”  I said “Nothing” as that working there and also on the 17^th Street location, where Mike is training me to be an assistant manager would have been too hard.  So, then Duane Pickett  said, “How about for $2.50 an hour” and I almost fainted. I leaped at the offer because that was $20 a day. I said I would for that for that salary. I almost burst into tears after he hung up because for the goodness of the Lord. This was the means of my making enough money to go back to school and. I knew He would assist me as long as I obeyed His will.

            At $2.50 an hour for a 48-hour week, I’m now able to quit that other job which was only paying me $1.45. I will now make enough money for me to pay for tuition and have money to live on until my student loan comes through. Hallelujah.  I knew my Savior would provide for me and show me a way back to Utah.

            The reason for this good fortune was that last night Duane Pickett  fired Ted for hassling the girls there by trying to put the moves on them. Duane Pickett  was desperate for replacement for a graveyard shift man, and I was there at the right time to do it.  He also knew what a dependable hard worker I  am from years ago when I worked for him while go to Cal State Fullerton.

            So, I had to go into the 17^th Street Taco Bell and work a shift from 4:30 until 10:30 and then I drove over to State College and waited around helping the girls out until my midnight shift began.

8 May 1973 Tuesday

I worked at State College Taco Bell with Patty Hernandez and Valinda Sanchez until 2 this morning and then they left, and I worked by myself. I do all the prep work for the morning hours, cooking up the taco meat, cooking the beans, and shredding the lettuce, onions, and cheese. Fortunately, I never have to fry shells up because Duane Pickett  does that during the day shift. When all my prep work is done, I clean all the steam cabinets wipe everything down, wash the floor with bleach water, and then early about dawn I go out and hose the patio and parking lot down and empty all the trash barrels.  Duane Pickett  comes in at 8 and I like to have everything clean and ready for the day shift.

            I left immediately and went home and slept until 3:30 this afternoon then I had to turn around and go back to work from 4:30 to 10:30 on 17^th Street. After closing up the stand I drove over to State College to begin my graveyard shift all over again.

            In the news the standoff between the government and the Lamanites at Wounded Knee ended with the Indians surrendering.  It was all kind of sad. I still will never forgive Nixon for the Kent State Massacre that happened 2 years ago.

9 May 1973 Wednesday

I worked my graveyard shift until 8 this morning and then slept until I went into work on 17^th Street. However, I told the manager that this was my last day because I was starting to ruin my health and it just wasn’t worth it for $1.45 an hour. It will feel good to sleep all day tomorrow.

10 May 1973 Thursday

After coming home from State College, I slept in for most of the day and I really didn’t accomplish much before going into work at midnight. I did get an amazing letter from Wayne Tuck telling me what he’s been up to, and it made me miss him all the more.

11 May 1973 Friday

I worked this morning until 8 where then I came straight home to Garden Grove where I talked to mom some before going to bed. Mom said Dad sold his red Ford Pickup truck for $300 to our neighbors, the Casas. We had it for almost as long as I can remember, well at least since 1960. It was always parked on the street in front of the house and when Charline learned to drive the stick shift,  she would take us all down to Huntington Beach during the summers while rode in the bed of the truck.  Dad once tried to teach me to drive the truck but gave up when I couldn’t figure out how to shift the gears. It was a good truck and now it’s gone.

            My sister Donna came over this morning to clean the house for mom really well for the upcoming Mother’s Day. I finally went to bed at 11:30 but Mom work me up at 12:30 saying I had a phone call from a Kathy Ausderau from Utah. At first, I couldn’t imagine what Kathy from Utah would be calling me, so I was quite surprised that it was Kathy Ausderau from Provo. She was just depressed and lonesome with ever one having gone home, and she just wanted someone to talk to. We talked for a good half an hour catching up on what little news we knew. We were both missing people.

12 May 1973 Saturday

Additional Material

The song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree" by Tony Orlando and Dawn has been the number one song for 5 weeks now.

13 May 1973 Sunday

I got off work at 9 this morning and came right home to Garden Grove. In the afternoon, something kept bothering me and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I went to the show by myself to see “Billy Jack” and it was really good but, on the way, home I had even a stronger feeling that something was wrong with Bill Hall. It was such a strong impression that on impulse I called North Dakota on a hunch. The first time I called no one answered the phone and the second time I called I couldn’t get through because the lines were tied up with Mother Day calls.

            After I couldn’t get through the second time, I thought I was just being dumb. I wanted to call a third time, but I was so tired from working all night that at 6:30 this evening  I fell asleep. However, before that I must have been feeling nostalgic as that I called Tujunga to see if I could speak with John Cunningham. The Lord had revealed to me last year that I’d never see John again this side of the veil, but He never said anything about not talking to him.

However, it didn’t matter as when I called Mrs. Cunningham, she said that John had joined the Air Force and had just left last Thursday  to be stationed in the Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio. I am sure now I will never see John again in my life.

Additional Memoirs and Material

Billy Jack is a 1971 action/drama independent film, by Tom Laughlin, who played a mixed race Indian Green Beret that protected a bunch of counter culture hippies from conservative town’s people.

I never did see John Cunningham again however I was in contact with him over the phone several times in the 1980’s. He committed suicide 13 May 2007, with me never seeing him again.

14 May 1973 Monday

In the mail today was two letters, one form Gordon and Judy Buck, and the other from Brian Smith. I was just bubbling over with excitement from Brian’s letter as I had never written him, and he wrote this on his own volition. A notice also was in the mail that my new glasses were ready to pick up, so I went into Santa Ana and pick them up. I can see clearly again. I also had some federally insured loan papers notarized while I was out and about.

            I still had an urge to call Bill as yesterday I had fallen asleep, and I was just sick about the fact I hadn’t made contact with him. So, I called him this evening. The first time I called him he wasn’t home because he was out on a date with some girl named Sharon. I thought well so much for TJ Fewkes. About an hour later I called again, and I was finally able to speak with him.

            I was so upset however to hear that he had gotten into a motorcycle accident yesterday and is on crutches. He didn’t break any bones but wrecked his knee which he has to stay off of if he wants to have it heal before his mission. He said he crashed about 1 in the afternoon their time yesterday. His accident forced him to quit his construction job pouring concrete. As accident prone as he is I was so worried about him doing construction work. He said he may be coming to California now within the next few weeks to live with his sister in King City near  Monterrey and hope to find work up there.

            After hearing about his accident, I was amazed how the Lord had prompted me and said that I’d see Bill one more time. I didn’t know how that would be possible with me leaving for Utah in June for Summer School as  before I thought he wasn’t coming out until August.

            Bill said that Randy Leavitt sent him a post card saying the Church changed his mission call from French Polynesia to Quebec, Canada. That’s disappointing news I am sure because he was so excited that he was going to get to go to Tahiti. Bill also said that Randy Gormley was in a head on collision which totaled his car, but he wasn’t severely hurt.

I remember how frantic I was that last day upon leaving BYU and I needed someone to take me down to the bus depot to ship all my packages home, but I couldn’t find anyone around who had a car. I had asked Randy if he I could borrow his car or if he could take me down, but he just said “no”. I was hurt and said to him that I would never have asked him if I really didn’t need his help. But he didn’t care. So, while I’m glad that Randy wasn’t hurt, I’m also glad that the selfish jerk totaled his car.

            It seemed strange talking to Bill, now that some time has passed between us. I don’t know how I feel right now. Ambivalent, I guess.  It’s like not caring a damn anymore but then it’s like having an empty longing feeling in my gut for him. I suppose time takes care of and changes everything. What a sinner I am to have these feelings for Bill. What a piece of clay I am.

15-16 May 1973

No Entries

17 May 1973 Thursday

Additional Material

The televised Senate hearings on the Watergate Hotel break in of Democratic Headquarters in Washington DC. Began.

18 May 1973

No Entry

19 May 1973 Saturday

Additional Material

"You Are the Sunshine of My Life"  by Stevie Wonder is the number one song

20 May 1973 Sunday

I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints a year ago today and I almost lost my life this morning. I was working my graveyard shift at the College State Taco Bell with Valinda Sanchez  and it was a pretty busy and hectic night. Valinda even stayed until 4:30 in the morning before I sent her home. It was a good thing I did for her sake.

            At 5:15 I had most of my prep work caught up and I had fixed myself a drink intending to go outside to sit on the patio for a spell before cleaning the lot of trash. Just as I began to open the front door that leads out to the patio, I was surprised that it opened seemingly by itself. I looked and saw a figure had opened it and as I was about to say what are you doing thinking it might have been a drunk because we got so many of them early in the morning but then I saw that he had a mask covering his face. My eyes flashed down and I saw a gun in his hand pointed at me. From that moment on I had a terrified sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

            There is absolutely no words to describe the panic and terror one feels to be robbed at gun point and not knowing the intentions of the man who has his finger on the trigger. Instead of just taking the money from the cash registers, he screams at me and orders me to the back of the store the whole time swearing at me and threatening to shoot me if I did not follow his commands. I had no time to process what was happening because I thought I was a dead man. I knew that whenever they take someone out of sight it is usually to shoot them. however instead of shooting me, he forced me into the utility broom and mop closet while he unlocked the back door to let someone else in.

            The few minutes that I was terrified in the darken broom closet, the pair ransacked the place. It was only a few minutes, but it felt like eternity. I was completely helpless and knew that we have no control over our lives which can be snuffed out in seconds, really.

            My mind raced with thoughts like, what a sinner I was and that I am in no wise prepared to meet my maker. There was so much more I wanted to do, work unfinished, sins unrepented, and promises unfulfilled. I thought how totally wasted would be my life for it to end like this in the back utility closet of a Taco Bell. I thought how I’d never see Utah again or all my friends from the Y. All this work, stress, and strain was for nothing. I hadn’t even made enough money for a decent funeral, and which would be a burden on my parents.  I thought if I had died in Vietnam at least my parents would have had a medal to show for it.

            Well only by the Mercy of God I wasn’t murdered. I heard one of the robbers say, “let’s go take care of that guy and get out of here” and I was prepared to be shot when some drunk customer came up to the front counter and was yelling “Is anyone there I want to order some food.”  I heard the back door quickly open and slam. I assumed the robbers had fled. However, I stayed in that closet petrified to come out afraid that they would return.

Eventually I reluctantly came out and then called the police. It only took about 5 minutes for police cars to come racing in. I was questioned and told them what had happened. The detectives questioned me to see if I had anything to do with the robbery, but they could see by my shaky condition that I was petrified. It was only after the police arrived and I told them what had happened that the horror hit me, and I was scared to death.

            Duane Pickett  was called, and he came down immediately and while I thought we were robbed of about $600 because it was a busy in actuality, we were robbed of $1500. Evidently it was an inside job by someone who knew where Duane Pickett  would hid money on the weekends when the banks were closed. I didn’t even know that there was so much money hid on the premises. Duane Pickett  hid the cash in empty Taco Shell bins hidden in the store room.

            When I finally was allowed to go home, I kept thinking I could be dead now. It was a very chilling experience to say the least.

21 May 1973 Monday

Something happened to me this morning that is really hard to explain. I went back to work my shift from midnight until 8 because I need the money even though I was still extremely shook up about having been robbed yesterday.  When Patty Hernandez left at 1, I was on my own again and I just kept busy waiting on the few customers who came up after the bars closes and night owls and did my prep work.

            At 5:15 in the morning as I started to go outside to empty the trash and hose down the patio, I looked outside and saw that it was nearly dawn and immediately I froze with fear. Because everything was exactly the same as it was yesterday morning, I went to the back of the work station, climbed up on a counter with my back to the wall almost in a fetal position. I couldn’t move. It was like I had shut myself down. I stayed that way for at least a half an hour until the sunrise changed the light in the sky and the morning song birds began to chirp. When it was no longer exactly the same as yesterday, I was able to climb down and finish my work.  I don’t know what came over me but when everything was exact still and the same as yesterday, I crawled into a ball and couldn’t move.

            When Duane Pickett  came in at 8, he apologized for keeping so much money on site and said he will always collect the daily receipts either in the safe or take it home.  We are convinced it was an inside job from someone who used to work here and knew who would be working alone and where the money was stashed. We figured that was why I was placed in the closet before the other guy was let in because possibly, I might have recognized him.  This afternoon I had to go down to the police station and look through a mug shot file to see if I recognized anyone, but I didn’t. The guy with the gun had a bandana over the lower part of his face and wore a baseball cap.

Additional Memoirs

I had my suspicions it was Ted who had been fired and having worked graveyard shifts at Taco Bell may have discovered where Duane Pickett  hid cash on the weekends.

22 May 1973 Tuesday

Grandma Johnson wrote a letter dated the 22^nd. Dear June and family Glad you both are better. We are OK.   Been just a summer day first one we have had. The longest winter I  ever experienced in my life. Wilburn catch a few fish along. Too cold for me for a while. But working  in my flower bed.  My Roses and lilacs blooming. I’m sending Gracie letter back. She’s Flora Brazzle oldest daughter and can write just like her. I never knew anything  about any of the Fenters.  Only mama’s brothers half brothers and sisters only ones that ever visited us. Grandpa Fenter died the summer before Bill and Chick was born in November. Of course, Mama didn’t get to go and next summer Grandma and the 4 kids at home come to visit us and she passed away shortly after they got home was operated on was cancer just sewed her up. Arkansas may be running over with Fenters far as I know and the Indian Blood  all on Papa side.  How is Donna, did she loose the weight she was striven for and are you on a diet And they let Jean old son in law  go Scot free no wonder there’s so many devils in the world. Hope Charline and Dennis get their house and get moved in time for James to start to school. There’s nothing worth  telling so will close Love from us Mom and Dad

Additional Memoirs

I was in contact with Grace Shue who was Grandma’s first half cousin. Their grandfather was Andrew Hunter Fenter. Jean Horan’s son on law was Mike Randall who had skipped bail.

23 May 1973 Wednesday

I didn’t freak out yesterday or this morning working alone at 5 so I guess Monday was just a onetime weird reflex or fluke.  Now it all seems like a bad dream although Velinda Sanchez quit working the late shift because of what happened to me. She is too scared that we might get robbed again.  Mom would like for me to quit but the money is too good. I am making $140 a week working 7 days at a time.

25 May 1973 Friday

The Lord answered my prayers and told me I should return to Utah for the Summer Term and that I would be provided for if I do. So, I need to work as much as I can to accomplish that end because the Lord only helps them who helps themselves. So, I sent an application form in admissions for Summer School

26 May 1973 Saturday

I had another explosive situation at Taco Bell on a very busy Saturday night. I was training two new guys, a high school senior named Gary and this Jesus Freak named Jim when this gang of Mexicans came up about 1:30 in the morning and were giving us a hard time and frightening off customers. I just let it ride because we were way too busy to get upset over them hanging out in the parking lot and patio but when they started pushing these white kids around, I saw the makings of a fight.

So, I asked the Mexican gang to leave, but they weren’t about to listen to me. I warned them that if they stayed and caused any more trouble, I would call the cops. They just scoffed at me so when I went to the phone to try and bluff them, they weren’t having any of it and started swearing and tipping trash cans over, so I had to call the cops.

            I had nightmare visions of a fight breaking out in the glass enclosure where there was about 17 people gathered. When the cops arrived, I thought they would help defuse the situation but instead they inflamed it. One of the cops asked me to ask the leader of the Mexicans or who I thought was the main antagonist to leave. I was unaware of the distinction of the law that when someone is asked to leave, and they don’t comply it’s the same as trespassing. I did what I was asked to do and asked this Mexican kid named Johnny  to leave but  he refused. Evidently this gave the cops the right to remove this Mexican kid off the property by any means he felt necessary.

            Well, the cop grabbed the Johnny, then the kid, who was drunk, took a swing at the officer which understandably inflamed him and so he strong armed the kid and threw him physically outside the glass patio enclosure where then he sprayed the kid with mace.

            The other Mexican kids witnessing this were furious and looked at me as their primary object of hate and vengeance. The littlest of the gang started yapping about like a Chihuahua, threatening  to go get the Barrio to come back and tear me and the place apart. Him I wasn’t so worried about, but it was tough other Mexicans who were with him that frightened me.

            I remembered all too vividly when I was working at Nunez’ Market  last year when 20 Mexicans jumped this white kid who they were angry at and busted him up pretty good until I went out and dragged him into the store all bleeding.

            Well. I was nervous yes, but after having my life almost ended last week and shaking in a closet, I wasn’t as scared now.  However, the two young high school kids I was training sure were worried what would happen to them. I am sure they thought I had just signed their death warrants.

            Anyway, about this time, the cop who mace the kid named Johnny came back up to the counter and told me that I was coming with him downtown to the police department to file charges against this Johnny. I stood right up to him and said “No, I was not.” I never wanted this kid arrested just removed. Then this cop became angry with me. So, I had the Mexican gang and the cops both upset with me. The cop more or less said that I had started this whole mess by calling the cops in the first place. I informed him I was in no position to leave this stand and traipse down to the Police Department just because he let things get out of hand.  I did however say I might consider it, if I could get a guarantee that this taco stand would be patrolled hourly for protection from the Mexican gang who were right at that moment revving up their low riders to go rouse the barrio for a vendetta of revenge against me.

            It was really an explosive situation let me tell you. The police wanted to force me one way and the Mexicans were after me on another account. I finally calmed down and got my wits about me and thought what would Christ do in this situation? Naturally he would want to settle everything peacefully. So, I went to the officer and asked if I could just talk to the Mexican kid who he had handcuffed. He said, “No way”. That really ticked me off and I got angry. I said  “Look you cops I think cause more trouble than your worth. Where were you when I was almost killed last week? Every night three or four patrol cars come in here for free food, but you never patrol here to see if I am all right working here alone. I called you for help and you made matters worse than they are before you step in”.

            I was really steaming and said “I don’t even want to talk to you anymore. Who’s your superior? I don’t even want to be bothered with you anymore. Go get me who’s in charge over you.”  Lucky for me he was working with a Sergeant who I explained how I just wanted to talk to the kid and see if he would talk to his friends and tell them just to leave. If he would do that, I would not press charges and he could leave with no hassle.

            Fortunately, the other Mexican kids saw how I was trying to help their friend and was not trying to be vindictive. The Sergeant had good sense and was helpful, thank goodness, and he allowed me to go talk to the Mexican kid who now was kind of sober and himself scared about going to jail. I told Johnny that if he and his friends would just leave and not cause any more trouble, I would not press charges against him for trespassing. He agreed and said he would leave. The cops then talked to this kid and unhand cuffed him and even told him that they were sorry for being so rough on him and the boy apologized to the police and me. I said I was sorry too that it all got out of hand. We then all shook hands and let by gone be by gone.

Additional Material

The instrumental "Frankenstein" by The Edgar Winter Group is the number 1 song

27 May 1973

No entry

28 May 1973 Monday Memorial Day

Work was kind of slow and I was surprised when Johnny Medina, the Mexican kid who was maced the other day by the police came up alone and wanted to talk with me. He was puzzled why someone wanted to lift him up and not kick him when he was down. I told him that I was a Mormon and that is what we do. I gave him some free food too and he stayed with me while I did my prep work. I guess if I can feed the cops for free maybe I can get some protection from Johnny’s gang if the police aren’t going to come around here when I need them.

Mom had my sister Charline and Dennis and the kids over for Memorial Day and she barbecued in the backyard. I couldn’t sleep any longer with James and Denise over running through the house. My sister Donna had to work so she wasn’t over.

My brother-in-law Dennis was upset that the Indy 500 was a wash out because he lives for that car racing stuff that is so boring to me. The race was canceled for later this week after a major crash  and because rain washed out the rest of the afternoon.

Mom fixed potato salad, baked beans, and hotdogs and hamburgers for dinner and made strawberry shortcake. It was all good, but I went back to bed at 3 to try and get some rest before tonight.

30 May 1973 Wednesday

Johnny has been coming up to see me a few times this week and not for free food. He just likes to hang out with me and talk while I work. I don’t mind the company either.  He and I started talking about the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. May be it will help him some day. However, since he’s been here, I’ve not had any trouble at night.

This is a letter I received from my Great Aunt Essie Word: “Dear Edgar I am sending you a letter I got from my niece that lives in Abilene, Texas. She seems to have got quite a bit of information of the Fenter Clan. I hope will be some help to you. I now live in Tucson Arizona with my daughter Rachel Blackmore. Can’t say I like it here as I lived at Canadian 38 years. It will always be home to me but when people get old and can’t do for themselves, they had to do as they can. In two more months, I will be 84 years old. I am doing very well, I guess if they don’t get me mixed up in this Watergate scandal ha. It’s the biggest mess I ever heard of. I haven’t heard from Tress and Wilbur in quite some time. Last I heard they were back at Haskell. Hope they are well. How is your mother and family? It’s a shame I know such a little about my niece June and family. Hope to see you all someday but life’s sin is sinking low with me. Write to me. I do love my mail. Hope this information in this letter will be of some help to you tracing  the Fenter tree. Lovingly Yours Aunt Essie Word.”

Additional Memoirs

I think Johnny was intrigued that this Gringo treated him like a human being. I kind of liked him as he gave off this sexual vibe probably because he was a “bad boy”, and I was a sissy boy.

Aunt Essie was my Grandma Johnson’s oldest sister. She was born in September 1889 in Jack County, Texas before a drought there had the family move to Indian Territory in 1890 where my Grandmother was born in 1899.

31 May 1973 Thursday

I am so melancholy. I found out from a letter that Bill Hall had been through Provo a few weeks ago and is in California all this time. I never received one letter or even a post card from Bill. I can’t understand why he did not write me and tell me his plans. I had been working from midnight to 8 in the morning 7 days a week in order just so I could have any 2 days off in a row to be with him when he should come down to Southern California.  I have worked 35 days straight without a day off and I am really tired and when I heard from  a letter Judy Buck wrote about Bill being in California, I thought that Bill could not be much of a friend to not have written me even once to let me in on his plans.

Additional Material

I was more than melancholy I was heartbroken, but I couldn’t write that.

 

JUNE

Preface

June marks the transition period for this record of 1973 from this being a straight Journal to a Memoir. Over whelmed with schooling, working, and church assignments I ceased keeping a daily record of my life. There is a saying that the faintest pencil mark is better than the best memory and this is really evident in this case of trying to recall events that happened some 46 years ago.

            The first half of the month of June I was still working seven days a week 8 hours a day for $2.50 an hour. I was making $20 a day I had never made that kind of money ever before. Even though I had several traumatic experiences at work in the previous month, I kept working with my eye on the goal of returning to BYU which I thought was a lost paradise as well as a sanctuary from the world during the few months I lived in the dorms.

            I was increasingly becoming a religious fanatic in June.  I think it was a way to keep my homosexual urges at bay which I mostly did with a few lapses. I tried to control my masturbation habit but at the age of 22 it was nearly impossible as that it was the only really sexual outlet I had even if it compounded my fanaticism with guilt.

            I quit my job at Taco Bell about mid-June when I thought I had enough money saved to attend the Summer Term at BYU and have enough for some living expenses.  I have no idea anymore when I left California to return to Utah as my last Journal Entry for the month of June was on the 8^th and I didn’t resume writing until June 22nd when I was ready to attend BYU again.

I kind of sketched out the events of June 1973 through old letters I had saved and by looking at BYU’s Summer Schedule for 1973.

            June is a month filled with family birthdays and of course Father’s Day. My mother’s birthday is June 3^rd , and she turned 44, followed by my oldest sister Charline whose birthday is the 9^th .  She turned 26 in 1973. June 16^th in 1973 was both my Grandma Johnson’s 74^th birthday and Father’s Day. The end of the month, June 25^th was my older sister Donna’s 24th birthday. By that time, I was already back in Utah, however.

            I have no recollection anymore of when I left California and how I came back to Provo. I am pretty sure it was not by bus, and I have a vague memory of Mom and Dad taking some time off or was on vacation and wanted to visit Utah. I am pretty sure they took me back. I am also pretty sure that is what occurred as I was bringing with me a whole lot of items to set up a household from items I had salvaged from when my neighbor’s daughter and husband who fled the country to avoid prison for selling LSD.

            I must have applied for summer term by May 30^th which was the final date for readmission and class registration was on June 22  and June 23. The first day of class was June 25 for the 8 weeks of the Summer Term.

            I do know that I had to meet with Academic Standards as I was put on academic probation and subject to suspension because my Winter Grade Point average was barely a D because of the finals I failed or didn’t take because of my emotional stress in April of leaving the kids in dorms. In fact, the only reason I was allowed to attend at all was that all my previous transcripts from Cypress College and Cal State Fullerton showed that I was often on an honor roll list and that my grade point average had been 3.75. 

The admissions review board realized that something went wrong my first term at BYU  and attributed it to my being away from home and other factors, so I was readmitted. However, I had to retake the classes I failed and decrease my BYU grade point deficiencies or I would not be permitted to attend in the fall. I was also required to regularly attend every class I was registered for or not be readmitted.

            I must have contacted my old dorm room mate Ken Lewis because I became his roommate again. He was living off campus, at the Robert E Lee Apartments at 885 East 900 North just below the southeast side of BYU.  In 1973 you didn’t rent an apartment but just a space in an apartment which you shared with others. The landlord could place anyone in the apartment to share a room. Ken was eager to have me, someone he knew, share an apartment with him. He was already living with a kid he didn’t know in the apartment named Leland Sanasac . I did not know him at all either but as I only lived with his for about a month, I have but a faint recollection of him  that he was kind of nerdy and did not have many friends or any people skills.

1-2 June 1973

No Entries

3 June 1973 Sunday

Today is Mom’s 44^th birthday. She was born in Shamrock, Texas. My sister Charline came over with her kids and my sister Donna stayed for dinner. I slept through it all too exhausted from working to get up.

4-5 June 1972

No Entries

6 June 1973 Wednesday

I gave into one of Satan’s temptations because I lost faith in the Lord’s promise that I’d see Bill Hall this summer at least once.

Additional Memoirs

I went up to Cal State Fullerton and cruised the Men’s room on the 2^nd floor of the Art and Drama Building which was always a cruisy but secluded spot.

7 June 1973 Thursday

Out of the blue I got a call from Bill Hall! He said he and a friend of his wants to come down this weekend to stay with me while I show them around Los Angeles. I am so ashamed of myself for succumbing to sin and not trusting the Lord. I learned a valuable lesson. If I had but the faith to have waited one day all that the Lord had promised would have come true. After praying for forgiveness, the spirit said that because of my transgression I will not see Bill this weekend. I asked of the Lord what do you mean I won’t see Bill this weekend? He said himself that he was coming down. I went into work at midnight very depressed and was glad to be working alone as I was really weepy.

8 June 1973 Friday

I went to Ralph Ludder’s Graduation ceremony at Cal State Fullerton. What irony. I met him in my freshman year at Cypress College and thought he’d never finish because he was so goofy but fun; and now here he has graduated as a teacher probably at least a year before I ever will.

While at Ralph’s commencement Bill Hall had called the house and told mom why he couldn’t come down this weekend. It seems that he had to get back to North Dakota on a family emergency.  I was so upset when mom told me that Bill had called and said he wasn’t coming down. If I had only remained obedient to the Lord but for 1 day, I didn’t get to see Bill.

9 - 21 June 1973

No Entries

One of the reasons I did not record anything during those two weeks was that I was working every night from Midnight until 8 in the morning but instead of going straight home to bed I would drive over to Cal-State Fullerton and prowl around my old haunts for sexual activities in the men’s rooms there; primarily in the Arts and Drama Building.  Because the campus was on summer break there wasn’t much action going on but enough to make me feel terribly guilty and disconnected from the good Mormon boy I wanted to be.

 It also convinced me that I needed to leave California as soon as possible to get away from places I frequented; like the Adult Book Store at the end of Dale Street on Garden Grove Blvd that had a video arcade. The bookstore’s arcade showed porno movies clips for 25 cents, and it was always filled with men wanting oral sex anytime of the day as it was opened 24 hours.

I was totally disconnected from needing male physical and sexual contact and feeling that God had wanted me for a higher purpose; to write these apocryphal mysteries surrounding the Prophet Enoch and the Jaredite Priesthood.  It was a very confusing time, and I was exhausted.

I am fairly certain that Mom and Dad drove me back to Utah to visit the campus and take a trip. I think Mom said she was amazed that driving through one of the canyons after dropping me off in Provo, they encountered snow.

Surely, I remained in contact with Ken Lewis who was my roommate in Helaman Hall with who I lived with after returning to BYU. There were three of us living in a two-bedroom apartment at the Robert E Lee about 800 North and 700 East just below the campus. The third person was a kid named Leland Sanasac who I didn’t know.  He was older than me, tall skinny and kind of aloof.

Additional Material

Leland Louis Sanasac died in 2014 at the age of 65 in Cedar City. He joined the Mormon church. “After his discharge from the military, Leland moved to Provo Utah to attend Brigham Young University. While attending college, Leland taught Polish at the Missionary Training Center.”  He remained a member all his life but never married.

22 June 1973 Friday

Summer Term registration began today I signed up for English 251 which was a requisite for a teaching English minor, and it was 3 units. We will meet at 11 in the Jesse Knight Building. My Professor is Lorna R Nielsen.

History 490 is a  Historical Research and Writing class which is required of all Senior History majors. It was 3 units. It’s from 1:10 to 3 in the afternoon right after English with Bro. Siebt again. It’s in the J Reuben Clark Library building but I hear you are out of class doing research as much as being in class.  For my religion class I am not sure what I will take.

23 June 1973 Saturday

It’s strange to be living with Ken Lewis again. We share a bedroom and bath while Leland Sanasac has the other side of the apartment to himself. We share a kitchen and bathroom space in the middle. We are on the 2^nd floor and the place doesn’t have air conditioning, so I know this place is going to get hot. But I am only paying $35 a month although it’s been prorated to include June.  I am going to have to get a phone put in my name because Ken and Leland don’t want one, but I feel too cut off from the world as it is.

Additional Material

"My Love" by Paul McCartney & Wings was the number 1 song for 4 weeks during all of June

24 June 1973 Sunday

I didn’t go to church today. Ken Lewis went off to Salt Lake this morning and forgot to tell me where we are meeting for Priesthood.  Leland took off without me when I was still sleeping so I probably missed it anyway.  I wrote a lot of letters today, one to Wayne Tuck, another to Bill Hall, and one to Grandma Johnson to let them know my new digs for the Sunday.

            There’s no TV so it was really quiet today, so I just listened to records I brought up with my Stereo. Listened to the Devine Miss M Album I bought while I was in California because I love the song “You Got to Have Friends.”  When Ken Lewis came in, he said he was sorry he didn’t tell me about where church was meeting. He thought I knew. He said we are in the 41^st Consolidated Branch for the Summer.

25 June 1973 Monday

Today is the first Day of the Summer Term and I was up early to find my classes. The walk from the Robert E Lee up to campus is pretty easy and can see why Ken Lewis chose the place even if it’s kind of dumpy. Not sure how I feel about being back in the routine again. It’s going to be hard with a lot of reading in a condensed amount of time. My teachers seem cool.

            Today my sister Donna’s 24^th birthday. I sent her a birthday card last week, so I hope she got it. I sent it to the Dale Street Address because I don’t know where she is living in Anaheim. I am sure

26 June 1973 Tuesday

This is from a letter my mom sent me. “Hi, Hope you got the money ok. Have you found work yet? Donna got a letter from mother. Said Kay told her you were serious about a Mormon girl. Mom said she didn’t think you would ever leave the faith. Well so much for your car. Ha. Got this letter in the mail today. Will send it to you. I’ve been sick but everybody else is ok. It sure has been hot here. Well don’t know anything to write. Guess Donna isn’t moving home.  Love Mom

Additional Material

Grandma Johnson had said that upon Graduation from college that she would buy me a new car.

27 June 1973 Wednesday

I went over to financial aid this morning to see about my student loan for the Fall and they said it was being processed. I attended my classes. I know I am going to like my instructor, Sister Nielsen, in English 251 but the reading list is going to be brutal. So much to cover during the next 8 weeks but I will have to do it if I want to stay in school in the fall. 

            By Friday we have to come up with who we want to do a research project on for my Historical Research and Writing class. It has to be some individual from Mormon History from original sources. Bro Siebt said he didn’t want any family history stories because this isn’t Genealogy 101. That made me laugh because I know from the crestfallen looks on half the class many thought they could get by writing about great grandpa crossing the plains in handcarts.  I have to think about what I want to do my paper on, but I know I want to do it on somebody from the Nauvoo Period not the Utah period. The Prophet Joseph Smith was martyred on this day in 1844 at Carthage Jail in Illinois.

28-29 June 1973

No Entries

30 June 1973 Saturday

It was warm today and spent most of the day in the Wilkinson Center to stay cool and I found a secluded place on the 2^nd floor where I can just sit and write which I did until I got hungry. Then I  went down to the Cougareat for a Brownie and some milk. The campus seems empty from when I was at the dorms last. It almost feels like BYU is on hiatus.

I walked over to the J Reuben Clark Library, and it felt deserted accept for the staff.  I was able to get on the Microfilm machines without any wait to search some census records from the 1880’s on my family. The 1880 Census has a sound index that helps locate my people where the earlier censuses you have to just slug throw the whole county and hope your family is there.

Tomorrow will be the first time I will have attended Church since coming back.  Ken Lewis said we are in the boundaries of the 41^st Branch. I guess I will meet the Branch President tomorrow. I need to be back in church because in California I was sorely tempted by the Adversary to fall back into old habits.

            I am glad June is over. It was a busy but lonesome month. All my California friends have changed or gone on with their lives without me. Even Brenda and Ralph Ludders have changed and don’t seem to care about having joined the church as much as I have. That is ironic because if they had never accepted the Gospel last year, I would not have investigated it by attending the Institute of Religion at Cal State Fullerton. But Ralph said that the Cypress Ward has never really reached out to them; kind of like what happened to me in Garden Grove.

I am so glad to be back beneath the Hills of Zion, but I am still lonesome. I suppose I can never have again what I had at Chipman.  Nothing lasts forever.

Additional Material

Former Beatle George Harrison’s "Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth)" pushed Paul McCartney out of a number 1 position

Additional Material

The Summer Hits of 1973

1. Kodachrome  by Paul Simon

2. Shambala by 3 Dog Night

3. Playground In My Mind by Clint Holmes

4. Give Me Love by George Harrison

5. My Love by Paul McCarthy

6. Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters

7. Will It Go Round In Circles by Billy Preston

8. Right Place Wrong Time by Dr. John

9. Long Train Running by The Doobie Brothers

10. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce

11. One of a Kind by The Spinners

12. Natural High by Bloodstone

13 Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy  by Bette Midler

14. The Morning After by Maureen MacGovern

15. You’ll Never Get to Heaven If You Break My Heart Stylistics

16. I’m Doing Fine Now by New York City

17. Diamond Girl Seals and Croft

18. Daniel by Elton John

19. Don’t worry Baby by London Bridge

20. Frankenstein by Edgar Winter Group

21.  Behind Closed Doors by Charlie Rich

22. Daddy Could Swear I Declare by Gladys Knight

23. And I Love You So by Perry Como

24 So Very Hard to Do by Tower of Power

25. Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree  by Dawn