Summer 3rd Quarter Journal 1974 July-September

 

JULY

The month of July was consumed with my concern with John Wagner’s mysterious illness. He was hospitalized several times and his mother Ann Virginia Wagner even  flew to Utah from Wheeling West Virginia to be with him and to determine what the doctors had diagnosed about his condition. As I was the only one with a car, I was recruited to transports him several times and do a lot of visitation trips. Also, as that I was so infatuated with John Wagner still, I dropped most of my own life issues to take care of his needs during this crisis.

It was not appreciated by John who came to see me again as part of the causation of his trouble. But not just at me, John lashed out at all those who cared for him as if to drive those closest to him away.

I missed attending many of my classes during the summer term but the worse was the class taught by Rodney Turner who in turn would affect my plans on graduating in August because he was a pompous ass.

1 July 1974 Monday

It’s the first day of July already! I went to Bro. Turner’s Religion Doctrine & Covenant  class at 2 this afternoon followed by my History 468 class on the American Negro taught by Bro. D. M Stewart in the Jesse Knight Building. My new schedule is completely altered from what I originally signed up for. My American Negro class is from 4 to 6 Mondays and Wednesday and is 2 units. My Religion 325 Doctrine and Covenant Class for 2 units is from 2 to 3 Monday through Thursday with Brother Rodney Turner and is in the Joseph Smith Building. Intro to Genealogy is from 7:30 to 9:30  Tuesdays and Thursdays. That class in taught by Brother Wright in the MARB and is also for 2 more units.

For Family Home Evening I went to Kitty’s apartment where Darwin Ross gave the lesson. John Wagner says he hasn’t been feeling well. Probably as the intestinal flu like I did

Additional Material

Dr. Lindsay M. Curtis, M.D. "Why does the Church oppose homosexuality? Why is it wrong?", published in the Ensign Magazine, July 1974, p. 14 "There is harm in homosexuality. Many homosexuals seek to introduce others into their practice, often those in their tender, impressionable years."

2 July 1974 Tuesday

I got Larry Bianch to cover my shift and it was good thing I did because about 9:30 tonight John Wagner said he was still hurting really badly on the insides. I said for him to go to the doctors, but he refused until be started to bleed when he peed. Then I made him go and I took him to the emergency entrance at the Utah Valley Hospital. We were there from 9:30 until 11:30. The tests said he had an intestinal infection, and they gave him some medicine but he’s in a lot of misery.

3 July 1974 Wednesday

PJ Payson, my boss at the Cougareat, and I had it out at work this afternoon. I found out from John Wagner that he had to work in place of Rob and Ken therefore PJ didn’t tell me the truth about not scheduling me to work the 4th of July. He said I had to work it because everyone else had too but that wasn’t true because Rob and Ken didn’t. I called him up on the phone. I was mad. He was mad but I had been promised the 4th of July off by Paul Paystrup. I stood my ground, and I did finally get it off.

4 July 1974 Thursday

Jodie Clark and I went to the Grand Provo 4th of July Parade together. It was really well organized and was a beautiful parade. There were marching bands, floats, clowns, even an elephant, and lots of pretty girls. Jodie and I both enjoyed it.

            In the late afternoon I went over to the Clarks and had a barbeque. That was fun. Jodie has such a sweet family.

5 July 1974 Friday

I spent a good part of the afternoon in the Salt Lake Genealogy Library, and I found a gold mine of information on Grandma Williams’ Danforth side of the family. All of the Danforths have been traced back to 1453 by a researcher from the 19th Century. It goes as follows; Me to Dad to Grandma Williams to Oscar Mabry Danforth to Theophilus Bassell Danforth to Thomas Bassell Danforth to Samuel Danforth to Jonathan Danforth to Samuel Danforth Jr. to another Samuel Danforth to Jonathan Danforth to Nicholas Danforth the immigrant to Paul Danforth to William Danforth who was born about 1453 in Framlingham, Suffolk County, England.

I invited  Mardene Francis and Denise Smith over for dinner tonight. It was completely vegetarian with no meat, just crackers, cheese, fruit, and pasta salad. It was fun. Afterwards we all went swimming in the Park Plaza pool. Mardene is finished with school now. The Spring Term was her last. She should be returning home to Calgary, Canada soon so I wanted to see her before she leaves.

6 July 1974 Saturday

John Wagner isn’t speaking to me for some reason. His new roommate is a kid from Payson. I am feeling left out. Carmen Lopez and I visited a lot today. She has developed a crush on John, and I think it’s a hoot when she says in her Spanish accent in all seriousness when referring to John saying, “Oh that kid.”

            I wandered around campus a lot in the late afternoon. Not a whole lot was going on which was a good thing. Wickedness was never happiness.

Additional Memoirs

I was drawn at times to certain secluded men’s rooms on campus, especially in the basement of the Jesse Knight Building and the upper floors of the Harris Fine Arts Building were there were usually Gay graffiti scribbles by guys looking to have oral sex. When on occasions someone would enter a stall next to mine, I would panic and leave especially if they started to signal, they wanted to have sex by moving their foot closer beneath the stall.

Rock The Boat by The Hues Corporation was number 1 for a week until July 12th.

7 July 1974 Sunday

I went to Priesthood and thought the teacher was preaching  close to heresy. However, the Fast and Testimony Meeting was nice. For a Fireside tonight at 9:30 they showed movies on the sun deck of the Park Plaza.

8 July 1974 Monday

I gave the lesson for Family Home Evening on the Resurrection and the Millennial Reign. I was very disappointed to learn that this Wednesday’s Fireside tickets to the Manti Miracle Pageant weren’t enough even for the entire Branch so John Wagner and I can’t get tickets for Jodie Clark and Karen Lyman to go because they aren’t in our Branch.

Darwin Ross could have gotten us the tickets we needed if he would have but he won’t saying it just for kids in our Branch. I am very disappointed in his actions  after all we have been through. He could have easily done us that favor, but I don’t think he thinks much of John. I am working a morning shift again from 8 to 1 with Marietta Clark. I told PJ Payson that I’d quit if I didn’t get off the night shift.

9 July 1974 Tuesday

Before going to bed I had a long special talk with Heavenly Father. I reflected on what happened on the night of July 9 and morning of July 10 from 1970 through now. I felt full of the spirit and was feeling good. I am here now at BYU from the events that transpired on this night in 1971.

Additional Memoirs

In 1970 after having spent the evening with John Cunningham at Disneyland, we went to a late-night donut shop in Garden Grove, California where we sat in the car until early in the morning. I told John for the only time that I loved him after he had demanded why I was so moody. He quietly told me that he did not love me. It was a very traumatic time in my young life telling another boy I was in love with him. The rejection caused me to have nearly a nervous breakdown from a broken heart. The following year in 1971 while spending a few weeks on my Grandparent Johnson’s farm in Hart Camp, Texas, while praying fervently about my relationship to God, I experienced a religious euphonic epiphany that I interpreted as a supernatural manifestation. It would change the course of my life. July 9th and 10th became very significant for the rest of my life.

Today was Linda Prindle’s 25th birthday which may have influenced why I thought she was going to play an important part in my life.

10 July 1974 Wednesday

Today I had the opportunity and privilege of hearing a living prophet at the  Manti Miracle Pageant. I went into work at 8 this morning and worked until 1. I was so worried all day about only having two tickets for the 4 of us who were going down to Manti. But thanks to Marietta Clark I was able to get one more from an extra she had for Jodie Clark. Now we had three and I thought for sure we all could get in. How could they turn us away?

            John Wagner was off his shift at 12:30 and he went home to get ready. I met Jodie Clark at the Wilkinson Center and from there we picked up Karen Lyman. By 2:30 we were off and on our way to Manti and our spirits were high.

            The Spanish Fork Canyon was absolutely beautiful, and we sang hymns all the way down. John was in good spirits considering the shots in the butt he’s been getting every day for the infection he has.

            We arrived in Manti about 4:30 in the late afternoon and we had a little picnic there for our supper. Karen and Jodie provided it. As good as the picnic was, I couldn’t really enjoy it because I was still worried about all of us perhaps not getting in.

            Buses started arriving at 5 so we went up to the admission gate and to our dismay we were told that entrance was by ticket only. However, the Lord was good to us as that this lady nearby overheard our plight and to signaled us. She said for us to go to the Lost and Found and ask for a certain Sister there and she would give us another ticket. We could hardly believe our good fortune. So, all of us were able to get in to see the pageant  after all.

            Oh, Praise God, three years ago this day I was told to join a church headed by a Prophet of the Lord and I am sitting in the midst of a gathering of the Saints to hear a Prophet of the Lord.

            The sky was the deepest blue with white billowy summer clouds behind the back drop of the beautiful Mormon Temple. Thousands and thousands of the Saints were gathered on the Temple Grounds to listen to a prophet of the Most High God and to witness the Manti Miracle Pageant.

            As President Spencer W Kimball entered the grounds, we all rose to our feet and sang “We thank Thee o God for a Prophet.” The spirit was strong, and our flesh tingled. President Kimball sat near the podium no more than 50 feet in front of us and we were able to see and hear him perfectly clear. Sister Kimball spoke to us first on the value of keeping a journal. Then the Prophet gave a note of warning against lusting after the flesh. In no uncertain terms he distinguished the difference between Lust and Love. It was like he spoke directly to me.

            The Manti Pageant was dazzling. I felt so moved by the Spirit as did the rest of us. The ending was so beautiful, magnificent, and marvelous with the Temple all lit up and a choir dressed as celestial angels singing upon the tops of the Temple rampart wall.

            It was late at night as we drove back to Provo, and I had a hard time keeping awake coming home from the Temple. It was nearly 3 in the morning before dropping the girls off and I finally was able to go to sleep.

 

11 July 1974 Thursday

John and I were on bad terms today. We had gone up to eat at the Cougareat and I wanted to share the most personal and intimate happening in my life and that was being visited by Nishenbaum an Angel of the Lord. However, John became very upset with me after I told him my conversion story and I became very upset with him when he began criticizing me. I told straight out that I am not a liar. He said he didn’t think I was, but he also didn’t believe that I was visited by an angel.

I was so upset by his reaction that I was sorry I even disclosed this event in my life to him. I was not boasting or seeking praise but was merely trying to share something very sacred and meaningful to me with him as my friend. I told him that he could not really know my story without believing what I told him was the truth and not from a “puffed up mind.”

            He hurt me even more saying it was all of the devil and that I was an Apostate for saying I beheld an Angel of the Lord. With these words our friendship I felt died.

Additional Memoirs

This was the beginning of an estrangement between John Wagner and me.

12 July 1974 Friday

 I was estranged from John Wagner all day. The hurt I felt from his words ran deep into my heart and it was not pride that compelled me to leave John alone today. He called me evil so that I no longer could help him in any way or form to overcome his forbidden nature.

            After work at the Cougareat I hurried home and changed my clothes to go pick Jodie Clark to go to the Genealogical Library in Salt Lake City. She wanted to do some family research and I did some more research on the Danforth Clan once they are left New England for the South.

            After the Library closed at 9, Jodie and I went to Trolley Square where we had dinner at The Ice Cream Parlor. Afterward we went to the show to see The Three Musketeers. It was even funnier the 2nd time I saw it. I had a very good time with Jodie. She really is Celestial Material.

13 July 1974 Saturday

I went into work from 9 this morning and worked until. I  then came home to do up some laundry. I was surprised when John Wagner came in at 4 this afternoon and he humbled himself by apologizing to me. He said he had been praying and thinking a lot about what I had told him the other day. He said he knew now that what I said was true and I would not have shared those things with him if I had not considered him such a friend. John’s words made me love him very much because of this but the hurt of his former had ran deep and will take time to heal.

            In the evening John’s Peruvian friend Carmen Lopez invited him to a party but he didn’t want to go without me. Since Mardene Francis was coming over anyway, I asked her to come go with us. The party was a flop for us. It was a Latin Party and all the kids there, except for us, were from South of the Border and speaking Spanish.

Mardene has a crush on John and clung close to him all evening which hurt Carmen’s feelings as she also has a major crush on John also. Mardene was goading John on by giving him a sympathetic ear.

John’s mood changed again, and he ended up the evening telling Carmen and I in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want anything more to do with us. I have no idea what that was all about, but it came as a blow. After John and Mardene left the party, I went and talked with Carmen who was heartbroken. John can be so cruel at times.

Additional Material

Rock Your Baby by George McCrae was the number 1 song for two weeks.

14 July 1974 Sunday

John Wagner went into the hospital today and I am so upset and worried about him.

This morning I got dressed for Priesthood when I received a call from Linda Wright who said she was with John at the LDS Hospital and to leave his Blue Cross Insurance Card out on the table for her to come get. I guess he called her instead of me thinking I would be mad at him for his behavior last night. They didn’t know me very well if they thought even hell could keep me from going to the hospital myself. I told her she could stay with John, and I’d bring it down to the hospital.

            Once there I looked in the Emergency Room  and saw John strapped to a stretcher, really looking like he was in severe pain. Linda was by his side. I didn’t know if I dared go in to see him. When I did, he was hurting, and he lashed out at me to go away. I was upset but went over to the admittance desk and gave the nurse there the Blue Cross Insurance Information. Then I went to the lobby and waited to see if they were going to admit him into the hospital. When I found out that they were, I went back to admittance and filled out his forms the best I could.

            Afterwards, Linda and I came back home to Park Plaza and attended Sunday School as there was nothing else, we could do for John.

 In the afternoon, I went over to Carmen Lopez’s place and told her about John’s condition. We went down to see him at the hospital, and he was extremely bitter towards us saying that we were thinking that it probably served him right for how he treated us. We just sat by his side and took the abuse because we knew he was in pain and that we loved him. It was like he was trying to drive us away, but I knew he was simply scared and needed his friends now the most.

            They had stuck a urinary catheter in him so he could pee and while we waited, they pulled it out. He is in so much pain. The attending physician Dr. Wallace thinks he may kidney stones like I did last year.

            I was so emotionally drained seeing John suffer so that I didn’t attend Sacrament Meeting as I was too exhausted from crying and crying like somehow this is my fault for not caring enough for him. I’d give anything to get him out of the hospital or even change places with him. I called John’s folks back in West Virginia to tell them about John’s condition and I am glad I did because the hospital never informed them that he was in the ER.

            O merciful Father send healing on thy wings for they son John.

15 July 1974 Monday

It was a very strained day for me as all my thoughts were on John Wagner who was admitted overnight at the hospital. Tomorrow they are going to have exploratory surgery for Kidney Stones that aren’t being passed.

I went into work at 8 and worked my shift until 1. My mind is completely exhausted. What to do? What can I do? Marietta Clark tried to comfort me, but I kept feeling so bad about John’s condition. He says he scared and so am I for him.

            After work I went straight over to the hospital to see him and stayed with him until 5. I missed both of my classes to be by his side. John said he didn’t want any visitors except Carmen Lopez and me. John however now said he didn’t anything more to do with Linda Wright. That really hurt her that he can turn on a dime against his friends.

John is in such bad spirits, I don’t know what to say anymore. I tried telling him yesterday that I was his friend, and I did love him, but he just said, “Actions speak louder than words.” I don’t know what he meant by that.

16 July 1974 Tuesday

John Wagner called me from the hospital while I was at work, saying he was really upset and scared about the surgery they are performing on him today. He asked if I would pick his mother up from the airport as she is coming out to be with him. After we spoke, I was in a daze for most of my shift worrying about John. However, Carmen Lopez and I got a hold of some Elders to go down to the hospital and give John a blessing before his surgery.

            After my shift I hurried down to the hospital and sat in the lobby while John was in surgery until 3 in the afternoon. Afterwards I then went into his room and sat with while he came out of it. He convulsed 5 times within the 2 hours that I was with him, and they didn’t give him anything for the pain.

            I left at 5 just to meet up with Jodie Clark and Carmen Lopez who went with me up to Salt Lake City to pick up John’s mother at the airport. She flew in from Wheeling, West Virginia to be with John and find out what is wrong with him. We didn’t get back to Provo from the airport until 10 at night and we went straight to the hospital so she could be with John.

            John’s mother is really a sweet woman but very strong and attractive. It was really late by the time I finally got to bed.

17 July 1974 Wednesday

I went into work at my usual time, and I was dead tired and emotionally upset. Marietta Clark was really understanding.

Afterwards I went to my history teacher and asked if I could postpone taking my test tonight because of all I have been going through with a sick roommate  and he said I could take it this Friday. I was very relieved by Bro. Stewart’s kindness. I’ve been under such strain that I doubt whether I could even concentrate enough to take the test.

            The results of John Wagner’s tests from yesterday showed that he has no kidney stones and now the doctors think what is wrong with him is in his nervous system. The nerves to his kidneys and bladder are not working properly. They are now calling in a specialist from Salt Lake City to run more tests on him.

            I let Sister Wagner have the use of the Pinto so she could go see John at any time from her motel.

Jodie Clark came over tonight and stayed until 8 but I couldn’t think about anything but John. She is leaving tomorrow for Palmyra, New York to perform in the Cumorah Hill Pageant  back there. We did have a long talk about our relationship, and I really didn’t want her to go because she really has given me such strength during this time.

Additional Memoirs

She could not have known how in love I was with John Wagner more than just a concerned roommate.

18 July 1974 Thursday

I worked my morning shift at the Cougareat and then finally went back to my Doctrine and Covenant Class to take a midterm. I’ve missed too many class times, but I think I am caught up on the work.

Then I went to see John Wagner in the hospital in the late  afternoon. He seems in such better spirits now with his mother here. In the evening I went to my Genealogy class for a midterm exam, so I didn’t make it back to the hospital.

Additional Material

The Mormon doctrine of not allowing blacks to hold the Mormon Priesthood brought the Boy Scouts into a serious confrontation with the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People [NAACP}. While the Boy Scouts of America said they do not discriminate because of religion or race, Mormon-sponsored troops had a policy of discrimination. The Salt Lake Tribune reported: "A 12-year-old boy scout has been denied a senior patrol leadership in his troop because he is black, Don L. Cope, black ombudsman for the state, said Wednesday.... "The ombudsman said Mormon 'troop policy is that in order for a scout to become a patrol leader, he must be a deacon's quorum president in the LDS Church. Since the boy cannot hold the priesthood, he cannot become a patrol leader.”

19 July 1974 Friday

I am really getting exhausted between work, school, and going to the hospital. I hope my own health doesn’t give out. I work all morning, then go to classes in the afternoon and then visit John Wagner in the hospital. The emotion strain of worrying about John is the worst of all. I am, mentally fatigued.

            The John’s medical team now thinks John might have a tumor on his spine or even multiple sclerosis. I was shocked hearing this prognosis because John is so young. I pray every night for him, but I can’t do anymore. He’s even had his name placed in the Prayer Room of the Provo Temple for a blessing. I have started a fast for him also.

            Tomorrow he is going in for surgery to have a spinal tap. I don’t think John will ever know how much I am suffering on his behalf or even care.

20 July 1974 Saturday

I worked from 9 to noon today and after work I picked up Kitty, Carman, and Sister Wagner up so as to drive to Salt Lake City. Before leaving at 2 in the afternoon, we first went to the hospital to see John Wagner, but he was sleeping so we then just left for Salt Lake. There the four of us toured the visitor center and walked around Temple Square.

            I let Sister Wagner have the Pinto after having dropped me off at the Genealogy Library where I went to take my mind off of John. They all went out to lunch, but I was still fasting for John.

At 7 in the evening, we went to Trolley Square where we had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory, where Sister Wagner treated us. We didn’t get home back to Provo until late.

21 July 1974 Sunday

I went to Priesthood with Darwin Ross and also to Sunday School. Then I went and picked up Kitty, Carmen Lopez, and Sister Wagner to take her back to the airport in Salt Lake City so she could go home to West Virginia.

Before leaving, she spent the rest of the morning and afternoon with John at the Utah Valley Hospital. Her flight was at 3 and I was sad to see her go. She’s a part of who John is.

 We came back to Provo after Sister Wagner’s flight took off and I spent the remainder of the evening talking to John’s friends at Park Plaza telling them what I knew of his condition.

22 July 1974 Monday

John Wagner called me while I was at work this morning from the hospital and said he was being transferred to a hospital in Salt Lake and asked if I would drive him there.

When I got off work at 12:30 I went straight to the hospital where Linda Wright met me with a station wagon that she had borrowed from a friend wherein John could lay out in the back rather than sitting up. He was really sick.

I got directions from the admittance where to take him and drove him along with Linda up to Holy Cross Hospital in Salt Lake. When we arrived, I was able to get him admitted.

As they were wheeling John into the hospital, we were with him, and he said something funny to me. He asked where he was and I said Holy Cross Hospital and he grinned and said, “Holy Cow!” as he didn’t know he was being admitted to a Catholic Hospital. He must have been feeling better to have his sense of humor back or he was doped up on pain medicine.

            I spent the rest of the day with him in his room as I know he’s worried and disoriented. I wish he could just come home. Hospitals are so depressing.

I hated to leave him there  to go back to Provo. I feel that things are changing all around me over which I have no control. O Lord give me faith to accept changes without fear in my heart.           I really miss Jodie Clark’s consoling words. I wish she was here to lean on, but I have no one.

23 July 1974 Tuesday

I went into work at 9 today and worked until 1 in the afternoon. I then went to Doctrine and Covenant Class and my Genealogy class. I found out I got an A on my D & C midterm. I have been missing a lot of class time by taking care of John Wagner and his mother. O Lord help me understand why things must change. Give my legs the strength to follow where ever thou leads.

 I was so happy those few brief weeks in June with John with such great expectations.

24 July 1974 Wednesday

Today is Pioneer Day and my battery in the Pinto went completely dead today. I had a friend of Linda Wright take me to Grand Central where I bought a new battery for $25. Ouch! I still owe $40 in rent and $65 for a car payment. I was paid $58 yesterday but $25 of that went to buy the battery.

            I called Denise Smith up to see if I could borrow $25 and she said I could. I guess she and Mark Solomon are going back to Washington DC for a little vacation.

            After installing the battery in the Pinto, Carmen Lopez and I drove to Salt Lake to see John. I couldn’t believe how rude he was to me.

I told him I had to move out of Park Plaza because rent was going up and if he won’t move with me, I’d have to go by myself. He said he would not move, and I was so hurt by his attitude. I knew then he doesn’t want to live with me anymore.

He kept being rude to both Carmen and me, so we finally  got up and left rather than listening to him berate us. I had planned on staying all evening to keep him company but instead I left with Carmen who was also upset and angry. What went wrong? Why is he so ugly to us like it is wrong for us to care so much for him.

Additional Material

The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon cannot withhold subpoenaed White House tapes, and orders him to surrender them to the Watergate special prosecutor.

25 July 1974 Thursday

I went with my Genealogy Class to the Salt Lake Genealogical Library at 6:30 this evening and I stayed until they closed at 9. I then went over to Holy Cross Hospital to see John Wagner, but he was ruder to me than ever, so I just left. It hurts my heart.

26 July 1974 Friday

I came down with the flu or something because I ache all over. I called work and said I couldn’t come in because I was sick. I then slept in until 11 this morning when I tried to get up and get moving,  but I still feel tired and drained of energy.

I needed to get away from the apartment, so I decided to go to Salt Lake City again to do some genealogy there, I found some more information on the Danforth Lines and some on the Fenters. Grandpa Hans Michael “Finter” came to American from Germany in 1737. I didn’t even bother going to see John Wagner. Maybe he will miss me.

27 July 1974 Saturday

Mike Pitcher, from the Hostel, and I went to look at a 4-man apartment today. He doesn’t want to be there anymore either. It was really nice being out with Mike,  but I don’t know if I am staying now in Provo after Graduation.

 I don’t know where I am going. I lost all my California friends when I joined the Mormon Church and all my Mormon friends here at BYU are now married or scattered. I feel so much in limbo as not being home in either Garden Grove or Provo.

I have a strong impression I am to leave from this place and if I am then a way will open up. I feel like everything I had with John Wagner was built on a foundation of sand. I had so much hope that John Wagner and I would be good friends for a long time, but Wickedness was never happiness.

            In the evening Carmen Lopez and I went to the Pioneer Drive-In and saw Walt Disney’s “Herbie the Love Bug Rides Again” and “Dumbo” They were both very good, but we didn’t get out of the show until after 11:30 at night.

Additional Material

The House of Representatives’ Judiciary Committee adopted 3 articles of impeachment, charging President Nixon with obstruction of justice, failure to uphold laws, and refusal to produce material subpoenaed by the committee.

John Denver’s  Annie’s Song was number 1 until August 9.

28 July 1974 Sunday

I woke up this morning at 9:30 when sunlight streaming through the window made it too hot to sleep. I went to Priesthood at 10:45 and the lesson was very good on how to become perfect. I was given the subject on how not to yield to temptation. First you have to have the desire not to sin. Then you clean up your thoughts and avoid all places and person which tends to drag you down.

            After the opening exercises for Sunday School, I went and picked up Carmen Lopez as she wanted to drive up to Salt Lake to see John Wagner. We also picked Linda Wright up also who wanted to visit John. When arrived John seemed indifferent to see us but both Carmen and I were in a good mood, so we didn’t let his attitude bother us

Pretty soon his roommate Wayland, and two of his former Family Home Evening Sisters dropped by as did Karen Lyman, Kathy, and three other friends of John, He just lit up to see them, but it made me sad to be so ignored by him. So, I asked Linda and Carmen if they were ready to leave and they said yes. Linda on the way home said that John told her that he was tired of being manipulated by me! I didn’t understand that comment at all.

When we arrived home, we were all pretty depressed by John’s attitude towards us. I can’t understand “that kid” as Carmen calls John.

At 6 this evening I called John to see what’s really wrong and why he’s upset with me. I should think that he’d be really happy that he’s coming home tomorrow but all he does is give me the cold shoulder.

I asked him to be truthful to me and he said that he had been doing a lot of thinking and thinks that Carmen and I have been manipulating and using him because of his popularity. He said he was tired of being around us “emotionally unstable persons.” He wants to be himself and not live up to the expectations of others. I told him then that is what he should do. He then said to me he was tired, and he hung up on me.

Well, I guess the party is over. I am tired. I know I have been a loyal friend to John through each and all of his trials and although he will never know it, I did love his spirit. We must have been close in the preexistence.

John is a very confused young man. I hope he finds the happiness he’s searching for. I am keeping thinking of Diana Ross’ song that says, “We don’t have tomorrow but we had yesterday.”

It’s strange how you meet people, become close, and then drift away. Even stranger is that I got a phone call from Mike Picher who said he had called Michael Allred up about living with us in the Fall and Mike said he would. I was really amazed by the circle of roommates this year, first with living with Darwin Ross this summer and now Michael Allred in the fall.

I hope I can make things different between Mike and me this time. This is an answer to a prayer that Mike might come to know what kind of person I am when I am not fighting a spiritual battle like last year.

July isn’t even over, and things are completely different from the beginning of the month. What will happen between John and me now? Friendship lost? People come into your life for a reason and often just for a season. I wonder what lessons I was supposed to learn from being with John.

I’m really missing Jodie Clark more and more. I wish she was home. Life! What a soap opera but I am so grateful for it.

The impeachment of the president is in full swing now and it’s all that’s in the news. It’s in committee now to be voted on by the full House. It’s one of the most historic Moments in American history and I don’t give a damn.

I am having my own personal crisis here which will affect me more than the deposing of a President. Let God Reign.

29 July 1974 Monday

It was so hard to pull myself out of bed this morning at 7. Darwin Ross’ alarm went off at 5 and I don’t think I fell back to sleep the entire time after that. It was a mad house at work because it’s Genealogy Week and there’s 2,500 hungry visitors on campus for it. I think they all ate at the Cougareat today .

            Marietta Clark is back but Sam Swain won’t be back until tomorrow. It was very hectic, and I think the flu bug has still got me down. I get a sharp pain in rear like I’ve had a shot. I guess the virus has settled there.

            After work I went to my D & C class where I took a test and afterwards, I went to talk to Br. Stewart about my American Negro Class. I found out that the class book report isn’t due until next Monday, so I was happy I hadn’t fallen behind having missed a lot of class time because of John Wagner’s situation.

            In the Harold B Lee Library, I came across Denise Smith, and we talked for a long good while catching up. She and Mark Solomon are going back to Washington DC on a tour and It’s going to cost her nearly $500. I am sure it will be worth it. I was able to pay her back the money I borrowed from my last paycheck. I told her I could not believe that Mike Allred and I are going to be roommates again. One eternal circle.

            I went to my American Negro Class and didn’t get out until 6 this evening then I went home to Park Plaza to face John who was released from Holy Cross today. I didn’t know how I was going to react to his being there.

I went in to the apartment changed into a swim suit and laid down on a beach towel by the pool. I was very reserved and stayed by myself.

            Darwin, John, and Wayland talked Sheryl McCrary into cooking dinner for them by paying her some money. I said I didn’t have any to join them but when I checked the mail later and I was surprised that Mom sent me a check for $60! That will really help out.

I called her later in the evening to thank her and she said that my nephew James had started school today already and that my niece Denise had taken a pair of scissors to her hair. Charline had to take her down to get a proper cut to fix it. Charline’s baby is due the last of December or the 1st of January. Probably in January because Charline was late with both James and Denise.

            Carmen Lopez called me before going to bed and she is very upset with John’s bad attitude towards her again. I sympathized but said that it is time to move on and let John go his own way as he will never appreciate what we have done for him. I said how can he like us when he doesn’t like himself?

30 July 1974 Tuesday

How do I express in to words what I am feeling. John Wagner informed us that the doctors said he has Multiple Sclerosis and will probably die from it he said. What can you say when there’s so much to say? So, nothing gets said.

I love John Pershing Wagner Jr. and the parting will be so very hard. I am grateful for the Gospel that makes the parting easier to bear knowing we will see each other again. If John wasn’t so young and vibrant. If he was married and was leaving some part of himself behind in his children, or if he’s been through the Temple or even if his family were members, it would be easier to bear. I can’t think about it anymore.

Additional Material

Multiple Sclerosis is and was not a terminal disease as John Wagner implied. MS can cause significant anxiety, distress, anger, and frustration from the Moment of its very first symptoms. ... In fact, anxiety is at least as common in MS as depression. Loss of functions and altered life circumstances caused by the disease can be significant causes of anxiety and distress.

31 July 1974 Wednesday

I had to get up at 7 this morning to get ready to be at  work at 8. I was so tired because Darwin Ross has to get up at 5 and he makes all the noise in the world doing so. He has a job as a radio announcer on KBYU FM and he might get on with KBYU TV too. So, we have a celebrity in our midst.

            Anyway, I sent a letter off to Jodie Clark today. I so do miss her. I can’t wait until she gets back to Utah, and I move into my new Apartment.

What a nightmare it has been here at Park Plaza. Just like I told President Ahlander, I’ve never been happy here. I went to see him yesterday and he said that I could be advanced in the Priesthood this coming September if I am still around.

            Work was especially busy with all the people on campus for Genealogy Week and the day just dragged on. What to do.

Elbert Peck called me yesterday. He’s back in Provo to take out his endowments in the Provo Temple for his mission. He’s been called to Northern California. Ha! After all the wise cracks he made about California being Sodom and Gomorrah by the Sea. Oh Lord help me fulfill my mission; that is help me find myself.

            Mom called again to say that Charline’s baby that’s due in January is going to be a boy. I knew that.

Sheryl McCrary is cooking for us all now and she is a really good cook. We pay her $1.50 per meal.

Things are really different here at Park Plaza with John Wagner home. We never talk.

 I had such a good talk yesterday with Marietta Clark about life in general. She said that she thought John had a hard life torn between a mother who doted on him and a gruff father who probably didn’t relate to his “pretty” son.

Well July is over. it was a month of immense joy and intense sorrow.

Additional Material

The Center for Disease Control  reported that Gay and bisexual men account for 1/3 of all cases of syphilis in the US.

 

AUGUST

In August 1974, my high hopes of being with John Wagner were dashed as he made it clear he no longer wanted anything to do with me. It was probably as much my romantic obsession with him as it was that he had shared too much with me about his homosexuality. I moved once more, this time from Park Plaza back to an all-boys apartment complex called the Stevens. I agreed to be roommates with Mike Pitcher who I knew from the 41st  Branch and at the Hostel Apartments. To my amazement Mike Allred agreed to be a roommate once more with me.

At the end of Summer Term, I was cleared for Graduation with a Bachelor of Arts with a history major. However, because Rodney Turner failed me for missing too many times in his religion class my graduation was voided as I was shy a half a unit. It was another blow to my self-esteem, but I also began to doubt that Brigham Young University was truly the Lord’s University and had my best interests at heart.

As I was completely broke and had used up all my loan money for tuition, I could not afford to get back into school for the Fall Term and as that there was a very tight job market in Provo, I was quickly sliding into an untenable economic situation. Up north, Ted Bundy the notorious serial killer received a second acceptance from the University of Utah Law School, and he moved to Salt Lake City. As bad as Brigham Young University was by terrorizing Gay people the University of Utah actually had a psychopathic murderer in their midst. My future wife was a coed at the U and with dark brunette hair, she was the ideal type of victim he was seeking. She lived on at 357 South 13th East and just below the Law School. Ted Bundy lived at 565 1st Avenue about a mile and half away.

1 August 1974 Thursday

This Genealogy Week at BYU is so hectic. We are busy in the Cougareat nonstop. I told my supervisor that I’d be quitting soon, and he said I could after this week. I really hadn’t planned on quitting so soon but perhaps it is for the best since I will be able to concentrate on my studies more and for the finals in a few weeks,

            The static in the apartment is growing more tense. John Wagner belittles and criticizes everything including me. If John hadn’t wanted me more than a casual acquaintance, he should not have burdened me the intimacies of his life. It’s a heavy burden and I felt a responsibility that I guess was not really there.

Additional Material

AT&T is the first major American corporation to agree to an equal opportunity policy for  Gay men and women.

2 August 1974 Friday

I worked from 9 to 1 this afternoon with Greg Hunsaker. He really gets on my nerves because he picks, picks, picks on everything I do even more than John Wagner does. The evenings are cooling off. I guess the summer of 1974 is coming to a close.

I was supposed to have gone out to the show tonight, but I was tired, and I have to work tomorrow. John Wagner is finally talking to me again but just barely. Carmen Lopez was over for most of the day and borrowed his typewriter to work on some reports. So, I guess I will have to use my own clunker to type up my paper.

3 August 1974 Saturday

I went into work from 9 and worked until 1 this afternoon. I tried to talk to Marietta Clark some, but we were way too busy with this being the last day of Genealogy Week. It was also my last day at the Cougareat. I’ll miss working with Sam Swain. He was cool.

            I went to the show at the Varsity Theater, and I saw Denise Smith there. I watched “In the Heat of the Night” for extra credit in my American Negro Class

            Nixon’s impeachment is in full swing now. He’ll probably resign under pressure. These are the signs of the end times.

Additional Material

The Mormon leaders changed policy of only letting Deacon Quorum presidents become senior patrol leaders in LDS sponsored Boy Scout troops. "Shortly before Boy Scout officials were to appear in Federal Court Friday morning on charges of discrimination, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a policy change which will allow black youths to be senior patrol leaders, a position formerly reserved for white LDS youths in troops sponsored by the church.... “An LDS Church spokesman said Friday under the 'guidelines set forth in the statement, a young man other than president of the deacons quorum could (now) become the senior patrol leader if he is better qualified.'" (Salt Lake Tribune, August 3, 1974)

4 August 1974 Sunday

Today was Fast and Testimony Meeting and I went to Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament from 10:45 this morning until 2:30 in the afternoon. I volunteered to pass the Sacrament because I felt bad that I haven’t used my Priesthood in  a long time.

            In the afternoon I started typing up the Danforth Family History and it took nearly all night. I didn’t go to the 10 Stake Fireside though I knew I should have. Elder Franklin D. Richards was the speaker.

5 August 1974 Monday

John Wagner started speaking to me again. I wonder if he thinks I should be grateful. I think it was because he needed me to take him to the University Mall in Orem where he bought some things.

            I didn’t do much today but work on my book report for my American Negro History Class. In the evening I went to Family Home Evening, but we didn’t do anything special.

Additional Material

The “smoking gun” tape of June 23, 1972 is revealed, in which President Richard Nixon and White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman discussed using the Central Intelligence Agency to block a Federal Bureau of Investigation inquiry into Watergate. Nixon's support in Congress collapses.

6 August 1974 Tuesday

I took John Wagner back up to Salt Lake for an appointment to see Dr. Nord. He confirmed that John has Multiple Sclerosis . It’s sad but what can one do? Nothing. Life will go on without either John or me. I’m glad I know this Church is true because it’s been a source of great strength for me.

7 August 1974 Wednesday

I went and laid out by the Park Plaza pool for most of the morning. Then I went on campus and bought the Graduation Banquet Tickets for Mom and Dad and picked up my graduation announcements that I had ordered.

            I took a test in my American Negro History class and felt as if I did well on it. Next week is Finals Week. I can’t believe I am actually graduating. I started college in the fall of 1969 at Cypress. It seems like it’s a dream and something will happen to prevent it. I spent most of the evening doing my home teaching.

8 August 1974 Thursday

President Nixon resigned today in order to avoid impeachment by Congress. Last Monday Congress received transcripts which proved beyond a show of a doubt that Nixon not only knew of the Watergate break in, but he actually sought to pervert justice by covering it up and denying everything.

            We all watched on television as he gave his resignation speech. It was brief. He never admitted his guilt but rather said he resigned because his effectiveness as President was over. This was the first time a President had ever resigned.

            Vice-President Gerald Ford will be sworn in as the 38th President of the United States tomorrow. Everything is topsy-turvy.

I do not feel any regrets that Nixon resigned in fact I was quite pleased. I never voted for him, and I thought not much of him from the very beginning but since President Harold B Lee said we should sustain the Presidency of the United States I felt obliged to try and think the best of Nixon although I was suspecting the worst.

            I wonder whether Nixon’s had all that great of foreign policies that everyone said he had. He sold Russia all that wheat which cost American people millions of dollars, plus sky rocketing high inflation. He gave Egypt nuclear power which could be turned against Israel. And Vietnam is acting up again violating the peace accords.

            These are the last days and there will be no peace until the Prince of Peace comes to reign.

            Tomorrow Jodie Clark will be home from New York. I have been excited about our growing relationship. I think I would like to have her meet my parents and then set a date. But I will have to wait and see how it all works out. I love Jodie Clark very much.

Additional Memoirs

I was still under the illusion that marriage to the right girl would magically make me straight and all my homosexual feels would disappear.

9 August 1974 Friday

Today Gerald R Ford was sworn in as the 38th President of the United States of America. He is the first President of the U.S. who has never been elected by the American people. I believe that President Ford was raised up by God Almighty to preside over this people before moral chaos completely shatters this nation. Ford is a man called of God, I am sure. He has a son who is going to Utah State University in Logan, and he went to see the First Presidency when he was Vice President. Ford is a praying man and that is what this country need at this time.

            This morning I went to the Wilkinson Center and picked up my last paycheck. I made $75 and paid Denise Smith back her $25 and paid John Wagoner $10 because I didn’t want to have to owe him anything.

            About1 in the afternoon I finished mailing out my graduation announcements to family and friends then I went to Salt Lake City to do some genealogy research. I really didn’t find out a whole lot except that I traced the Puritan White family on the Danforth’s side back to 1000 AD in the Middle Ages. It was already done so just needed to copy it.

            I stayed until closing then rushed straight back to Provo to go see Jodie Clark but when I got there her mother Marietta said that Bruce was over visiting with her. I was kind of upset because he really has been putting the moves on her. So, then I just went home and called her later to say hi. She seemed really glad to hear from me. I wish I could tell her what is in my heart, but I don’t that it is the right time.

            I went to bed really late because I stayed up to watch the horror flicks and even when I went to bed I couldn’t sleep. I felt worried and anxious and kind of upset because things are rapidly changing in my life. I wish I knew how, I say I’ll go where ever the Lord tells me to go but I wonder if I have been so weakened by sin that I won’t recognize the Spirit when he talks to me.

Additional Material

Richard Nixon becomes the first President of the United States to resign from office, an action taken to avoid being removed by impeachment and conviction in response to his role

10 August 1974 Saturday

I could not believe what has happened. I am still in a state of shock. I’m in a daze. Jodie Clark is going to Marry Bruce! It can’t be happening. This morning I took Sheryl McCrary to work and afterwards I went straight over to Jodie’s to talk. She looked so beautiful, and I was so happy to see her. We talked for a long time, and she told me all about her experience with the Cumorah Pageant. I made a date with her to go see The Russians Are Coming but that soon was quickly canceled.

            She walked me out to my car and then became serious. She told me how she had been doing a lot of thinking, especially about her eternal progression. While she was in the Sacred Grove, Jodie had prayed about Bruce and me. When she told me that like a fool, I was so confident that I even felt sorry for Bruce. What a fool I was. Then by her demeanor, she didn’t even have to tell me that Bruce was the right one for her as I just knew it.

            She said that last night Bruce had asked her to marry him, and she had said yes! I felt so cheated. I tried to keep from getting angry and upset and just said, I hope you will be happy with your choice you made.”

            However as soon As I arrived back at Park Plaza I cried and cried but finally got fed up with always being not good enough. I was sick and tired of loving someone and then losing everything I love. I decided to quit being a nice guy and to let Jodie know exactly how I feel. So, I called her up and said she can’t marry Bruce because I wanted to marry her. I said Bruce is just a Returned Missionary who is marriage happy but that I really loved her and wanted her as mine.

I said there is nothing he can offer her that I can’t give more of. I really upset her, and she said she would call me back. So, I waited and waited by the telephone and prayed and prayed. Then the phone rang. I was a nervous wreck.

            She said she decided not to see Bruce for four days to think and pray over what I had said. But as for me she said she could never be dishonorable and break her word to Bruce even though she loves me better.

            I was just really torn up inside. I said Goodbye, knowing full well that I would not see her or Marietta or the Clarks again. A big and tender part of me died. What to do now? Between John Wagner and Jodie Clark this sure has been a wasted and hurtful summer. It’s so sad, It’s just you and me again Lord.

Additional Material

Feel Like Makin' Love by Roberta Flack was a number 1 song until 16 August.

11 August 1974 Sunday

I went to Priesthood and Sunday School but not to Sacrament. It was not intentional but rather I fell asleep on the couch, and no one had the decency to wake me. Last night I didn’t get to bed until 3 in the morning. John Wagner and I stayed up and had a long talk about what we had been through this summer. It was probably the last one we will ever have together. This is the last time the 39th Branch will meet for the Summer Session.

            I can’t believe that Graduation is so near, and that Fall is in the air already. The nights are really cooling off and some the mountains are beginning to change color. It’s a short summer. Well, it’s a short life.

12 August 1974 Monday

Another tragic day all around. John Wagner was in an ugly mood so I went out to the pool to study to get away from his negativity, but he couldn’t leave me alone but continues to annoy me all afternoon. I went to my Doctrine and Covenant Class but not to my American Negro Class which was a mistake. I was in the library doing genealogy and the time got away from me.

            When I came home at 530 this afternoon, Wayland and John were together gossiping, and John was giving me a headache from his ignorance. He wanted us to plan something form meals this week. They were being so ignorant and backbiting that I finally got fed up and went to my room. I said I would eat by myself this week rather than but up with John’s ugliness towards me. So, they all went out to eat while I fixed myself some tostados.

            In the evening things became progressively worse so I worked off my frustration by cleaning the apartment. John would then come out of his room replace the records I was listening to on the stereo to put his on instead. He is the rudest and most inconsiderate person I know. John Wagner being Number 1 is his motto and code of honor. I am just disgusted with his selfishness.

            I left to go visit Linda Wright and Chris and that was a mistake for Linda asked if John had ever mentioned about her and Val Olson. I didn’t lie and I said yes. She immediately got up and went to our apartment to have it out with John. However, they ended up being friends, but John directed his poisonous fury at me. He said he’d see me rot in hell and other vile things. I thought then what an ugly person John really is. Beautiful on the outside but filthy still inside. I feel contaminated by him. I know to protect myself I must be more humble and meek and get out.

Additional Material

  "No Freedom for This Guy- But Then He Asked for It"- Second District judge has sent a Clearfield job corpsman to a halfway house for rehabilitation after the defendant asked that he not be completely freed from incarceration. Eddie Lee Mathews, 19, was sentenced in June to six months term in the Davis County jail after he pleaded guilty to forcible sexual abuse. He had originally been charged with Sodomy. Judge Thornley K Swan said the court was prepared to release Mathews on probation and return him to his home state of California but that the defendant had requested to go to the half-way house. The defense attorney said the reason for the request was to allow Mr. Mathews to receive further treatment under a county psychiatric program. 1974 An 18-year-old Clearfield job corpsman has been booked into the Davis County jail on a charge of sodomy officials reported today. Arrested at the center was Eddy L Mathews. An official of the job corps said the allege incident was reported by another corpsman Ogden Standard Examiner

13 August 1974 Tuesday

I helped Valerie work on decorating the pool area for the 39th Branch Luau tonight. When I went to my genealogy class, to my joy I found out that there is no final because Bro Wright had to go to Canada so all we had to do is write a page on what we did in class and what grade we think we deserve. I honestly think I deserve an A for all the research I did this summer. In the evening came back to Park Plaza and went to the Branch Luau. It was pretty nice, but I don’t feel like I fit in here anymore.

14 August 1974 Wednesday

I was so tired this morning as I had stayed up until 2:30 typing up Darwin Ross; paper for him. He ran out of typing paper do we had to quit for the night. At 10:30 I went over to Sheryl McCrary because I said I would take her and her mother to the airport in Salt Lake. However, they missed their flight just by 5 minutes, but they were able to get on another flight not too much later.

            When I came home, I made an extreme effort not to let John Wagner treat me or Darwin like dirt. I asserted myself though and told him what a pig he was being, and he retreated to his room for most of the day. I was acting very not like my usual self. But a person can only be demeaned so much. When all is said and done, I do not hate John but hate the devil that’s within him. I am still concerned about John’s spirit as much as ever I was. Someday things will be different. I need some sign from the Lord that he still cares for me that I am doing what is right. I am so sad about how things have turned out between me and Jodie Clark and John. It’s been a wasted summer hasn’t it.

Additional Material

After a three-year battle, Gay Community Services Center Los Angeles won tax-exempt status.

15 August 1974 Thursday

Today was spiritual and uplifting. Mom and Dad arrived today at 10:30 this morning. I was really surprised to see them in so early but evidently, they left yesterday and spent the night in St. George. Fortunately, I had cleaned the apartment this morning.

            It upset me that when John Wagner’s family came last June, everything had to be immaculate but when my parents came no one lifted a finger to help me clean.

            I was so glad to see Mom and Dad that I whipped out the genealogy and showed them all the research I have done and how we were through the Puritan lines related to Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and Lorenzo Snow.

            In the afternoon I completed my Doctrine and Covenant Final which I know I aced it and then met Mom and Dad over to the Wilkinson Center where we picked up the tickets for the graduation banquet. I had an extra ticket because I had planned on my Sister Donna coming who didn’t come. So, I went over to the Harold B Lee Library and asked Denise Smith if she would go with me and my folks to the banquet tonight. She said yes. Donna didn’t come because Ken Jones and her fiancée broke up and she was depressed. I was glad they split up. She could never been happy with someone who is as possessive of her as he was.

            I saw Mardene Francis and her folks and talked a brief Moment before we went to the Alumni House to pick up my Cap and Gown. After that we went back to the apartment to wait until it was time for the banquet. At Park Plaza, Mom and Dad met Wayland, Darwin Ross, and John who was being rude again and that upset me. He has no reason to treat me like dirt after all I did for him and his family this summer.

            Anyway at 6:30 this evening we went and picked Denise up and we went to the Banquet in the Wilkinson Center’s Ballroom. For some reason I felt guided, and it led me to take my parents and Denise to some seats as nothing had been assigned. Denise then looked up and saw elder L Tom Perry walking right y us. Denise and I were flabbergasted to see an Apostle of the Lord so near to us. My parents could not understand our excitement, then all of a sudden, elder Perry and his wife came over to our table to greet Mom and Dad and he put his hand on Dad’s shoulder as he shook hands. I was astonished. He actually came to my parents and joked with them. He said he and his wife had been debating on what kind of pie was being served. He said blueberry and she said cherry. I affirmed to him that it was cherry and he said that his wife jokingly said she wanted his. I wanted to jump up and say take mine! Or anything I have. Denise could almost not stand it as she was so excited about Elder Perry conversing with us. I really as the hymn says Stood all amazed. Even Dad, I knew felt the spirit that Elder Perry brought with him.

            As he began to leave, something possessed me, and I had to stand and shake his hand. I wanted to feel his strength. I felt so warm and alive inside from doing so. After he left, Denise and I just looked at each other as we just could not believe what had just happened; to be that close in proximity to an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ! As he was departing, we saw Elder LeGrand Richards and Elder Hartman Rector Jr pass by. We just couldn’t stand it as we were going crazy with excitement.

            We were sitting near the long table where the invited guests of honor were placed, and we were not more than a table length away from the General Authorities who came to the Banquet.

            The dinner was good, and they served Roast Beef. The Guest Speaker was Elder Perry and he spoke on having goals as objectives and finding the means to achieve=e them. Elder Perry's personality came alive with fire as he bore his witness of the living Christ.

            The Banquet lasted for 7 until 9:30 at night and after it was over for some strange reason Denise and I went up to Elder LeGrand Richards, shook his hand, and talked a few minutes about how Denise was a relative of his. He asked ,e my name and I was surprised not because he didn’t have to do  that but rather it showed his immense love and concern for each of the children of Heavenly Father.

            We also went up to see Elder Rector and we stood shoulder to shoulder near him, but he was too busy with talking to friends and we didn’t want to interrupt and bother him. We were more than spiritually uplifted and felt blessed.

            I am not worthy in the least degree of the love and blessings I received at the hands of the Lord. I spoke face to face with two Apostles of Jesus Christ. How blessed am I. I pray in the depths of my heart that the Lord sending elder Perry to my parents with stir their hearts to accept the Gospel. What more is required? Tonight, I have been renewed again after being in the depths of despair from my wickedness. My cup is filled, and I am refreshed. The work of God is to go forward, eternally progressing.

16 August 1974 Friday

Today I graduated from Brigham Young University, in Provo Utah. It’s a day I thought would never come. It took me five long years, but I was faithful and endured to the end. I began my not so illustrious college career in September 1969 at a small Junior College in Cypress, California. John Cunningham was the overwhelming force then to go to college to be with him. Now in August 1974, I have finished the race, some 700 miles from where I started. I am now officially an Alumnus of Brigham Young University. Who would have thought I would be, back then? This awkward poorly educated child? Going to Junior College was more than I had dreamed I could have handled but a Midsummer Night dram in Texas transformed my life and carried me off to Utah.

            This morning Mom and Dad called to wake me up so we could go eat breakfast at the Cougareat. There my parents met Marietta Clark who was working, and it was awfully good to see her again. She hugged Mom and Dad and gushed about what a great son they have. I just love Marietta and it’s sad that things couldn’t work out between Jodie and me, but God’s will be done. She said that Jodie is going to Logan to meet Bruce’s parents.

            We decided not to go to the University wide Commencement ceremony but rather we just went to the Convocation of my History College. I didn’t know that Elder Marion G Romney was presiding at Commencement, or I would have gone. Convocation began at 1”30 in the Afternoon. My hat was too big, and I was afraid it would fall off of me. Caps and gowns are ridiculous anyway and if it was not for Mom and Dad being here for Convocation I would not have gone. I didn’t go to my graduation at Cypress College in 1971.

            Brother Holland, Dean of Religious Studies was the main speaker. Even President Dallin Oaks was at the convocation, and I was able to shake his hand, It was really my week for dignitaries. After Convocation was over, I still really could not believe I had actually graduated. It still seems like some far-off unreachable goal.

            After Convocation we went back to Park Plaza where Dad helped me put new points and plugs in the Pinto plus changed the oil and filter. I sure was appreciative of that. Then we went to the Cougareat for dinner. Keith Haines was working the grill and he fixed Dad and me an extra humongous Maxi-Burger. After dinner, we went back to Mom and Dad’s motel where we could talk more in private. They liked Darwin Ross, but John was being so rude to them that they didn’t want to go back to the apartment. And that was after all I had done for John this summer. I suppose John will be given by tithe Lord in accordance with what he gives, I guess. John, John, John, where did your sweet spirit go? The people we meet in life are sometimes just walking tragedies. I am learning I cannot become emotionally evolved being with unstable people. I must search for stalwart and valiant members of the church of Jesus Christ.

            At the motel, we had a long talk about what is going on with each member of the family and about the church. I am thinking seriously about going back to Texas this coming Tuesday to see Grandma and Grandpa Johnson and the rest if I can swing it.

            I stayed with Mom and Dad until 9 tonight and then said my goodbyes. They are leaving out at 4 in the morning.

            I came back to the Park Plaza and began packing some of my things away in order to move out. Wayland and John cannot prosper neither can they be truly happy until they make a personal commitment to change and serve the Lord God of Israel and keep the spirit near them.

17 August 1974 Saturday

I spent all day moving from Park Plaza to the Stevens Apartments at 274 North 500 East into apartment 3. It was hard work moving all my things by myself. The book case with all those cinder blocks was the biggest chore. Wayland, Darwin Ross, and John Wagner spent the day cleaning the Park Plaza for their check out. I won’t be able to have my inspection until Monday

Additional Material

The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace was the number 1 song for a week.

18 August 1974 Sunday

I spent the night at Park Plaza sleeping on the couch. I went to Priesthood this morning where the lesson was on having charity. It really started me thinking. Right afterwards was Sunday School and I sat with Kitty.

            John Wagner went back to the hospital this afternoon to have his wisdom teeth extracted. More misery for him.

            I slept over at Park Plaza again tonight on the couch, probably for the last time. I was listening to the stereo and thinking about all that had happened over the summer term. I spent the night alone as that John was in the hospital, Darwin Ross was in Salt Lake City at his Mom’s place, and Wayland was down in Payson.

            Lying there in the dark, I thought what a wasted summer it had been and how my relationship with John had failed, but then the Spirit prompted me and said, No you had not been a failure. Even if John and you are no longer friends, the summer had not been wasted. I had been on a mission with John, and I had fulfilled it. John has really changed and for the better since I first met him. He is more in tune with the Gospel and stronger in the Church than he was 3 months before I met him. We weren’t meant to be friends for a life time but rather just long enough for us to accomplish an aim and that was John’s repentance. No, I did not fail.

19 August 1974 Monday

I was up at 7:30 this morning to start on cleaning the apartment for check out. I had to clean and defrost the refrigerator, clean, and wipe down the cupboards, and scrub the floor. I had it all done by 11.

            Wayland returned at noon, and we had a fairly nice talk. He said something about him not staying at Park Plaza after all.

            In the afternoon, I went and paid the electric bill that accrued from June 29th to August 29th and that was $70! Outrageous. Then I went and put a $30 deposit to have the gas turned on at the Stevens Apartments. It was a long and busy day.

            The weather has been cooling off some. Tomorrow I should be completely out of Park Plaza even though I have gotten rather attached to it. I thought I hadn’t.

            Mike Pitcher is moving in today so I won’t be alone here, and Mike Allred will arrive next week.

            In the news President Ford said that he did not believe in complete amnesty for the drafter dodgers to return from Canada and the Ambassador to Cyprus was murdered.

20 August 1974 Tuesday

I was up at 8 this morning and called Mountain Fuel to see when they would be out to turn on the gas. They wouldn’t give me a definite time, so I had to stick around all day. Monopolies are the curse of the common man.

            After they did come out, I took the Pinto down to Sears to have a tune up and a lube job like Dad suggested. When I returned home, John Wagner called to inform me that the electric company over charged us by $30 on our electric bill and that our bill should have been only $40.

            Wayland and John came over later in the afternoon to sign off their pink slips for the Park Plaza managers that all the utility bills had been paid. I told them to just give me money for their share of the electric bill that I had taken care of already. They said they liked my apartment, but Wayland did most of the talking. John didn’t say much.

            In the late afternoon I went to Sears to pick up my car. The tune up and lube job cost $15. Then I went to Grand Central and bought a table cloth for the kitchen table that was scroungy and 2 record albums. One was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the other was Walt Disney’s Fantasia.

I also got my $25 deposit back from Park Plaza and turned in my key. It felt strange leaving but God doesn’t want me there anymore, I feel. But Oh, I am going to miss it, and the summer by the pool and sun bathing next to John. It’s funny when I first moved into Park Plaza I did not like the attitude there. I felt so alien in the 39th Branch after being in the 41st for over a year. But now I have made it home with many memories and It was hard to finally leave it all behind.

            A year ago, I moved into the Hostel because of Darwin Ross, but he left in the middle of the school year. Then after I had moved into Park Plaza this summer, Darwin did also because of me. Now I am leaving, and Darwin is staying. I guess it’s the Lord’s way. What new adventures will come out of me living at the Stevens Apartments? Only God knows but my faith is strong, and he leads me along.

            In the evening I fixed a little dinner and sent a way to Texas for copies of some death certificates on some great grandparents. When I was so lonesome, I called the guys at Park Plaza and John answered the phone. He said he had just gotten back from seeing Mary Ann off to her Guatemala Mission. We didn’t say much more. I pray to Heavenly Father that all things will work out for John. My mission is over but hopefully a new one will begin. Together with God I think I can make it on my own.

21 August 1974 Wednesday

Today I had a big surprise when Michael Allred came in at 5 this afternoon. I was really excited. Now it won’t be so boring here as it had been. I hadn’t expected him in until next Monday. I think he was bored in Afton and wanted to return to school. It was so good to see him again. The summer had changed both of us and had given us time for reflection of all we went through last winter. For the short time we will be here at the Stevens, I’m sure things will be good between us.

            I spent most of the day job hunting. I even went out to the movie studio, but it wasn’t very promising. Then I went up to BYU to look for full time work. That wasn’t the best either. Finally, I went to the unemployment office. There were some low paying jobs available, but I wasn’t quite committed to taking any of them.

            In the evening spent the time visiting with Mike. Things have changed.

22 August 1974 Thursday

Mike Allred was able to find work at Carson’s Market today, but I didn’t even bother going out. It’s depressing being a college graduate and working for nothing. I spent most of the time cleaning the place.

            I went to Grand Central and bought a pair of Jeans and I even was able to find some Okra at a store here. I bought 2 pounds worth and will fry it up for Sunday dinner.

23 August 1974 Friday

I was up at the genealogy library in Salt Lake from 2:30 this afternoon until they closed at 9. While I was there, I put in an application in the personnel department. They said that mine was one they would review.

            I found some information on the English Sotherons in the Middle Ages but nothing on more recent family members.

24 August 1974 Saturday

Mike Allred and I went to the Timp Drive-In where we saw “The Sting.” I didn’t think it was as good as everyone else made it out to be. It was too choppy and slow paced.

 Additional Material

(You're) Having My Baby by Paul Anka with Odia Coates was number 1 for 3 weeks until September 13.

25 August 1974 Sunday

I went to church for the first time in the 92nd BYU Branch. Priesthood started at 9:30 in the morning followed by Sunday School at 11 and Sacrament at 6:30 in the evening. The meetings are sure spread out. President Squire is our Branch President. I went to Priesthood with Mike Pitcher and Mike Allred, and I wasn’t really impressed with the Quorum but then I never am at first. I invited my old roommates from Park Plaza over for Sunday dinner but only Darwin Ross made it. John Wagner said he had other arrangements and Wayland was down in Richfield.

            I fixed a baked chicken with cornbread dressing, corn on the cob, fresh green beans, and chicken gravy with biscuits and of course fried OKRA!! I made a Pecan Pie for dessert. I listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Album I had bought the whole time I was preparing dinner. I just love it.

            I have to write John Wagner’s parents for the $20 they sent me for my graduation. That was really nice of them especially since John and I have parted ways.

26 August 1974 Monday

It was very hot today even though the nights are cool enough. The Mountains and especially the Y-Mount sure are changing colors fast. I went to the show tonight to get out of the apartment. I saw Fantastic Planet and Chosen Survivors.

27 August 1974 Tuesday

I went to Salt Lake City to look for work because there is so little available in Provo that will pay anything. I first went to the Church Office Building. It didn’t look very promising because you have to have a Temple Recommend working there. Then I went to the Salt Lake Unemployment Office. There are jobs available but mainly as cooks. I really don’t want to fall back on that. I’d like to go into my field, but I don’t know how to go about it. I feel really strange, kind of lost. I don’t know how to explain it. I wish I was still at Park Plaza. I really do miss it. There is nothing ever happening here at the Stevens.

28 August 1974 Wednesday

I am so frustrated from not finding a decent job and my funds are almost exhausted again. Everyone is getting ready to start school again and I am not. I feel lost. I have lost faith to believe that everything will work out for me. I am frustrated because I can’t find a decent job in Provo because almost everything is filled with part-time BYU students. I am worried that I may have to move to Salt Lake City.

            I filed for unemployment, and I hope I get before my rent and car payment are due.

29 August 1974 Thursday

I went to get a copy of my grades and while I got an A in Genealogy and a C in American Negro History, but Rodney Turner gave me an E in my Doctrine and Covenant Class which was failing. I couldn’t understand that. I was truly shocked! I need to find out why but can’t until the Fall Term starts next week and he’s back in his office. That E will prevent my graduating! The Lord is testing my faith and finding it lacking.

30 August 1974 Friday

I am so preoccupied with the cares of the world that the Lord’s spirit has withdrawn from me. There’s so much temptation out there and I feel like I am in limbo.

31 August 1974 Saturday

I have been tempted and tormented by a bad spirit about me for the past week. I won’t blame this one on the Adversary but will say that it’s probably of my own making. I am carnal and devilish and am not keeping the commandments of the Ord. I know it’s because I lost my faith and trust in the Lord.

 

SEPTEMBER

1 September 1974 Sunday

Today I was called to be Family Group Leader in Church today. I am still attending a student branch even though I am not enrolled in BYU anymore. I typed up the Puritan White family I am related to through the Danforths. I can trace Dad’s ancestry back to Joseph of  Arimathea, the uncle of Jesus, and through him back to Adam.

Mom called this morning and said that my uncle and aunt JW and Pauline Johnson might bring Grandma and Grandpa Johnson up to see on their way to Yellowstone. That would be wonderful.

I need my heart broken so I will be more receptive to spirit so that my body does not become broken through sin.

Additional Material

1974- The scholarly quarterly Journal of Homosexuality made its debut. The Journal of Homosexuality is a peer-reviewed academic journal covering research into sexual practices and gender roles in their cultural, historical, interpersonal, and modern social contexts.

2 September 1974 Monday

Today is Labor Day and I held our first Family Home Evening meeting. I have a good group of about 20 kids.

I picked Denise Smith up from the airport today. She said she really had a good time in Washington DC. I went over to Park Plaza this evening to see some of the kids. I saw Sheryl McCrary and Linda Wright who is happy and content now she has nothing to do with John Wagner. She even looks better. Sheryl and I had a good talk about dating and such. She really revealed more of herself to me. She really is a sweet person. Sheryl has nothing to do with John anymore either.

I saw Darwin Ross and I can tell he is unhappy with his decision to stay at the Park Plaza. I pray that he will find what he needs but he’s been like a lost puppy since he and Debbie Holbrook split up last year. I didn’t see either John or Wayland . It’s against my nature to leave John on such bad terms but there’s little I can do about that.

What does the future hold for me? So much is up in the air. One step at a time I suppose. Lead Kindly light.

Additional Material

Kenneth Whitney Lewis’ 23rd birthday

3 September 1974 Tuesday

I tried seeing Bro, Turner about changing my grade but he said he couldn’t see me until tomorrow.

4 September 1974 Wednesday

I went up on campus to see Bro. Rodney Turner and he was very rude and insensitive to my plight. He had a closed mind and wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say as an explanation why I had missed so many days. I finally lost my temper and said don’t cut me off anymore and listen to what I have to say. He was lacking in any empathy, compassion, or understanding  even after telling him of having to care for John Wagner and his mother during his illness last July.

            However, the most he would do, and I had to squeeze that out of him was give me and incomplete instead of an F and even then, he acted like his eternal salvation was in jeopardy with even doing that. I had A’s on two of my midterms and an A on my final, but he flunked me because I missed too many of his lectures!

Additional Memoirs

Rodney Turner was a professor in the College of Religious Instruction at Brigham Young University for thirty-two years. He retired in 1988 and died 5 Nov. 2014 at the age of 91. He wrote Woman and the Priesthood that was published in 1972 which at the time I had him was his claim to fame. It was a very misogynistic book basically stating that a woman’s role was to be a wife and mother and any other ambition was Satan’s attempt to destroy the family.

            I think the real reason he was so obtuse and agitated with me was that I had unintentionally embarrassed him during one of his lectures. He was always so pompous and thought God inspired every thought that came out of his mouth. He was lecturing on the Word of Wisdom and was telling the class that resurrected beings did not eat meat because they were pure beings. He even said Angels even puke at the sight of meat. This puzzled me I innocently inquired to hear his reasoning on his thoughts why Christ upon his resurrection ate fish and honey. He was so flustered that a student would question him and especially on something that refuted his views. I knew my Bible from being a Church of Christ Member every bit as well as any Mormon who many read it to support their doctrine. Anyway, he made some off the cuff remark, but I knew that I had pissed him off which is why one of the reasons I skipped his class. He was a very arrogant man.

            Rodney Turner was the first crack in the belief that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was looking out for my best interest.

5 September 1974 Thursday

I was so upset over Bro. Turner’s attitude that I went to Bro. LaMar Barrett who was the Dean over the Religion Department. I said that the grade was not an issue now but Turner’s appalling

Condescending attitude towards me. Bro. Barrett said he would talk to Bro. Turner because being a Religion Teacher he shouldn’t have been so rude and abrupt with me and leaving me so bitter towards him. Bro. Barrett even confided that Bro. Turner could be “cocky at times.”

            I spent most of the day afterwards looking for work again.

6 September 1974 Friday

I went to the unemployment office, and they first sent me to the Storehouse Market in Orem, The guy was such a creep. I just tore up my application in front of him and walked out. I went back to the unemployment office and told them about  what a bad experience it was and the manager being a jerk. They said they would talk to him about the way he treats the people they send out. I then put an application in at the Mountainland Office. I don’t know exactly what they do but I was qualified for the position so why not? After that I put an application in at the Hobby Store in the University Mall which seems the most promising.

            Kent Larsen’s Mom and Dad sent me a tie tack for my graduation which was sweet of them, and my cousin Kay sent me a letter saying she was proud of me. Michael Allred actually gave me $5 which helped out a lot.

7 September 1974 Saturday

Mike Allred and I went to the Lagoon, an amusement park in Farmington past Bountiful. We spent most of the day up there going on a few rides like the roller coaster and haunted shack then  walking around the Midway. We spent most of the day up there and was back in Provo by 7:30 in the evening

            We then decided to go to the Art City Drive-In and see The Three Musketeer and Mash. Mike hadn’t seen either, but this was the 3rd time for the Three Musketeers, and I first saw Mash with John Cunningham  back in 1970. I am completely broke now but I had a fun day being with Mike, so I don’t regret anything.

8 September 1974 Sunday

I went to Priesthood in my new Branch but afterwards, Mike Pitcher, Mike Allred, John Baugh, and I decided we wanted to go to the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints here in Provo to see what it is like. It was familiar but different. I didn’t like their hymn books at all, and their church service was similar to my old Church of Christ with just the Bishop preaching. He seemed to not hold the Prophet Joseph Smith as in the same high esteem as the Utah church dies. They don’t say “amen” after everything like we do. I think I was the only one saying Amen. I didn’t care.

Additional Material

Watergate scandal: U.S. President Gerald Ford pardons former President Richard Nixon for any crimes Nixon may have committed while in office. But he wouldn’t pardon the 100,000 draft dodgers most of who fled to Canada.

9 September 1974 Monday

I had to borrow $2 from Mike Allred for gas money so I could look for work. I am so upset and depressed that I missed graduation by a ½ a unit! If Turner would have given me even a D- minus I would have graduated. A half a unit and I have no money to get back into school.

10 September 1974 Tuesday

I finally found work at ZCMI as a dishwasher in their Tiffany Room restaurant. How low have I sunk in my situation. I through 5 years of college and end up as a dishwasher. It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. And even then, I am only working part time at $2 an hour. At least it’s not the slave wages I had at BYU. I work 4 hours on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, then 6 ½ hours on Saturday

11-12 September 1974

No Entries

13 September 1974 Friday

Grandma and Grandpa Johnson came in with my Uncle and Aunt J.W. and Pauline today around 6 this evening. I was expecting them in yesterday and by 6 it was too late to do anything,  so I just went to their motel to visit, and I spent the night sleeping on the floor just to be with them.

Additional Material

The first national lesbian writer's convention was held in Chicago.

14 September 1974 Saturday

Before having to go into work in the afternoon and evening, I took my uncle and Aunt and Grandma and Grandpa Johnson up to BYU where we ate breakfast in the Cougareat and then we drove out into Provo Canyon to show them Bridal Veil Falls. The trees were blazing with colors.

            I had to go into work at noon and work until 7 this evening and afterwards I went straight over to Motel 6 where they were staying. I then suggested we go to Temple Square up in Salt Lake City which we did. They were not impressed. They sure are dye in the wool Protestants. At one point JW says that God would not allow the Bible to be in error then in the same breath admitted that there is some uninspired work in it. We talked on different planes all night. We have two different concepts of God, or Heaven, of hell and of the Scriptures. It made me sad how apart I am from them now.

Additional Material

I Shot The Sheriff by Eric Clapton was number 1 for a week

15 September 1974 Sunday

While JW and Pauline went to the Church of Christ in Orem, I stayed with Grandma and Grandpa Johnson and didn’t attend church. They checked out of their motel and came over to the apartment to wait for JW and Pauline to get out of Church. We went to Sambo’s for Sunday dinner, and they left out at 1 this afternoon for home. Who knows when I will ever see my Grandma’s face again?

16-20 September 1974

No Entries

21 September 1974 Saturday

I have a very miserable cold which kept me from going into work today. My physical and Temporal  and spiritual welfare this month has been very low. I have lost my close relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I am very depressed and discouraged. Provo will not pay wages enough to sustain even a low level of subsistence. There’s no money for food let alone to pay bills and other expenses.

Additional Material

Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe by Barry White is the number 1 song for the week.

22-27 September 1974

No Entries

28 September 1974 Saturday

I can’t keep up with this journal. I am so unhappy being treated like crap at work by the waitresses because I am just a dishwasher. At least Mike Allred and I have remained good friends during this difficult time which has been a comfort. But  my church and religion has not. I do not presume to blame them, but I feel like I am such a failure. I feel like “ a complete unknown with no direction home.” What went wrong? Is it that I am no longer where I am supposed to be? Sometimes I feel like Provo is mocking me for being here as I am no longer a part of BYU. Wickedness was never happiness.

29 September 1974

No Entry

30 September 1974 Monday

I am living on less than $120 a month with a $65 car payment and $45 in rent plus utilities, a phone bill, tithing, and money for gas to get to work. I can barely live let alone try to save money to get back into school. If something doesn’t open up for me quickly then it’s Goodbye Provo. She was not the provider I thought she was. I am just so weary of living hand to mouth. Is that anyway to live? I must figure out a way to go forward. I cannot go back.

            I haven’t bought groceries in 2 weeks. I just eat crackers, rice, and scraps. I am no longer connected with BYU. I lack ½ unit from graduating so I will have to take a home study course to earn my B.A. degree that way. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth living,

Additional Material

Rock Me Gently by Andy Kim was number 1 for a week