1980
The New Decade of the 1980s was when I entered my thirties and my life completely changed and I began living an authentic life midway through the decade. The first five years I was still unhappily married. I loved Fran as a difficult companion but not as a true wife.
The Village People sang a optimistic song "Ready for the 80's"
"The world Talkin' 'bout the world Belongs to you It belongs to you The world I know I know I know Belongs to me It belongs to me I'm ready for the eighty's glad to be alive I'm waiting for those magic numbers to arrive. I've got myself together got myself in gear I'm gonna be the first out there, to greet this Fabulous year I'm ready for the eighty's, I'm ready for the eighty's Ready for the time of my life Are you ready Are you ready 'Cause I'm ready for you, honey 'Cause I'm ready for you I'm ready for the eighty's, I'm ready for the eighty's Ready for the time of my life In the eighty's we will travel far We will realize just who we are We can move as one. I'm ready for the eighty's things look positive I'm ready and I've got a lot of love to give There's hope in ev'ry heart and love on ev'ry face. The eighty's promise ev'rything is just gonna be great. I have faith in this old world of mine Everything is gonna work out fine We'll be loving in the bright sunshine Baby, I'm ready for the eighty's,... I'm ready to begin anew And I want to share it all with you Give the universe a different view we'll communicate Baby I'm ready for the eighty's,... And baby I'll be happy with you 'Cause baby, baby, baby Our dreams will come true I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready Baby I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready,...
I was not ready for the 80's by any means. It had been four years since I was expelled from BYU without finishing my teaching credential and 3 years since I married a woman I was not in love with but simply was a companion to appease society and the Mormon Church. I was still a true believing Mormon as it defined my existence and my only hope of becoming a straight. I always deluded my self that my homosexuality was addiction I had to a vice that was among the cannon of the worse sins in Mormonism. Being married was my perceived lifeline to living how I imagined God wanted me to live.
However at the beginning of 1980 I was so in love with Gary Ratliff by boss at the Special Event Center but through intense jealousy I made his and my life miserable. I did not know it at the time but three of the six full time crew were repressed homosexuals. We were not even closeted as we were so repressed that the only way to express ourselves were through vying for Gary's attention. The work at the SEC was very physically demanding at times, and mentally fatiguing also from the long hours we spent with each other.
Gary and his wife Gabby were married in 1970 in the Salt Lake Temple and remained married and even had another son in 1986 when I was coming out of the closet.
Pat Winter was completely devoted to Gary which he had know since high school. Gary used Pat to booster his own ego as Pat was so slavish and protective of Gary. Years later after I had come out I saw Pat a few times in local Gay clubs but not sure he ever came out completely as Kay Wiker and I did.
[Verlin] Kay Wiker only came out of the closet after moving to California in the early 80's and found work as a bartender in Laguna Beach's famous Boom Boom Room Club. I didn't completely come out myself until 1986 as I had so much baggage to shed.
I have no Idea what ever happened to Cliff Garland as he kept to himself . I know he lived in West Jordan and was married with children but he avoided all the drama that was apparent at the SEC
Dean Guthrie married and had a child but died at the age of 48 in 2007.
Kelley Carlson graduated from the U of U in 1981 but have no idea how long she continued to work with Gary. She never married and was killed in a plane crash in Colorado in April 1990 on her way to a singing competition. She was 31 and buried in Bountiful.
JANUARY
1 January 1980 Tuesday
It’s the beginning of a brand-new decade. I slept in
until 9 before getting cleaned up and shaved my beard off. I started growing it
last September. I shaved it off because Fran wanted me to. As soon as I did I knew it was a mistake. I
looked so dopey. I was super depressed because I did have such a beautiful
beard. I became real disappointed and
also mad at Fran for even suggesting to
cut it off. Fran took down the Christmas tree and I cleaned up the rest of the
house. I was so tired of the house looking
like crap. I know Fran isn’t well
from the accident and can’t help
with keeping the house up but she lets it get so out of hand. I guess it’s not really her fault just really
depressed in general from my lack of paying her much attention with all the
trouble at work. Rent is due and all our money is tired up in a car in
Bountiful. we can’t depend on any of our
friends as they are in the same boat we are in with no money. It snowed last
night but during the day it mostly
melted. Mom called to wish us a happy new year. Some happy new year with Fran
and me fighting again. She is upset that I talked to Gabby Ratliff about what
is going on at work with Kelley Carlson.
Mom said that Dennis Wach’s mother Janet Peavy was in the hospital
having suffered a stroke. Dad has an irregular heartbeat also. It was gloomy, ugly, smoggy day this new Year’s day. I sure need to the
spirit of the Lord with me. It’s a brand new decade with new hope. I am still
painting some. I a m almost finished with Gary Ratliff’s and am starting another one new experiment
with color and light. Today should not have been like it was. I should have
been sweeter to Fran. Oh well life goes on. I have made a commitment to stay at
this duplex on Bryan Avenue and at my
job for at least two years so we can get ahead.
The number one song for all of 1979 was Super Tramp’s Logical Song. I
guess disco music is over now with the 70’s.
2 January 1980 Wednesday
I worked my 8 hour shift. Kay Wiker came by a little
before 7 and took me up to work but I didn't start until 8. I buffed the
concourse and in the afternoon mopped beneath all the trash cans. I played some
basketball during the afternoon break. Gary Ratliff really tried to be normal
today and rebuild bridges he had burned last December. He even came to the
lunch room for lunch and played backgammon with Kay rather than stay in the
office with Kelley Carlson. I played backgammon with Kay at lunch and won and
then played Gary and also one. Gary still isn't normal with me and he told Dean
Guthrie that the reason he didn't take me home last Saturday was because I had
stormed out of the office before he could ask me. I told Dean that Gary was
lying. Later at 5 when I put up my
walkie-talkie, Kelly asked if I needed a ride home. I said thanks but I'd be
alright then started walking home. Gary never would have offered to take me
home. I am tired of doing for him what
he won't do for me. Fran went to an O.A. meeting tonight. She is the
treasurer of the meeting.
3 January 1980 Thursday
It was a real bummer of a day at work. Gary Ratliff
wouldn’t even speak to me when he came in but was cheerful to everyone else..
That’s how the day started. I walked up
13th East to the Special Event Center which was about 2 and half
miles and took 45 minutes. Boy was it cold. All morning I worked sitting up for the retirement of Merle
Rushton down at the grounds building. Gary Ratliff sent Cliff Garland and
me back up to the center after most of the heavy work was down. He
kept Kay Wiker, Dean Guthrie, and Pat Winter with him. In the afternoon I walked
with Kelley Carlson down to the Grounds Building for the retirement ceremony.
She was upset with Gary for snubbing her yesterday and was willing to talk to
me but when Gary saw us together he
poured his charm all over her and she was hooked again. Our staging came today.
When the retirement was over, Dean wanted
Pat and me to head back to the center with Gary to help him set up for
the girls’ basketball but Gary wanted Kay instead and left Pat and me with Dean.
So I knew now I was on the outside looking in. Gary is trying to shut me out
and in with Cliff Garland. I am trying to resist but even Pat has been ragging
ion me lately also. Kay had his hair permed
and Fran went her doctor’s today. Gary has turned in a jerk.
4 January 1979 Friday
It was a weird day. I worked my 8 hour shift. Kelley
Carlson came and picked me up so I wouldn’t have to walk and Gary Raliff took
me home. During my lunch hour, Kay Wiker took Fran and me to pick up our
insurance check finally from the accident. We were w a little late returning ,
no big deal but Pat winter has been spying on us all morning long. The real
killer in the day was when Gary put me back on 7 to 4 to clean offices again
starting this Monday only to keep Kelley from giving me rides. I was finally,
finally fed up. I went to Gary and said I need to talk to you in the office. He
asked if it was personal. I said no only so he would talk to me. Kelley and
Dean left but we still had a million interruptions. At first ne was so cold so
defensive, saying he was withdrawn and
looking out for number one. I found out that that he and Kelley did have an affair the Thursday after the Logan game and that’s
why he’s in this darkness. I told him where I was coming from and what I felt.
I also asked him to take me home which he did. We talked for about an hour and
a half in all. He’s a hurting dog now but we did talk. We did finally talk and I
felt like I had the spirit with me
5 January 1979 Saturday
I had to work from 3 to 10 for 7 hours of overtime.
Before going to work this morning I cleaned house some an read the newspaper.
The Russians have invaded Afghanistan and the U.S. is putting
grain embargo on them. The whole
Middle East is in a fury. It’s the last
days. Fran went to see some of her old girlfriends this afternoon and Kay Wiker came over to take me to do some grocery
shopping. I also bought a frame for Gary’s picture I painted for him. Kay also bought 2 gallons of paint to paint
the lunch room at room. We barely got to work on time. I worked with Dean
Guthrie and the new kid Bryce all night although it was a tremendously slow
night. I typed on Gary’s genealogy and
when Kay came back up , I stained the frame and put a blue velvet matting around the border of the
painting. It does look pretty good. I
called the King’s car place and he wanted to know how I was coming along with
the cash for the Nova. It sounded like he wasn’t really willing to work with me
on it anymore by even taking payments. I
was kind of depressed over that. I would like to get that car but If I don’t I will live without it.
6 January 1980 Sunday
Fran is coming down with a cold so we didn't have Kay
Wiker and his mother over for dinner. We didn't go to church either but just
snuggled and watched TV. We watched the
opera Gounod's Faust and found it so inspirational especially when Margarita,
after having sinned through temptation and Satan's influence, she found
redemption through God's grace. It was so beautiful and I felt the spirit of the lord with me so much.
7 January 1980 Monday
I started my new shift 7 to 4 again and worked cleaning
offices. I gave Gary the painting I did for him but he didn't say a word to me.
I spent the morning also cleaning the concourse. At lunch Gary and Kay played
back gammon while I painted. I am feeling
really depressed like I want to quit this job. I am tired, just plain
tired of it all. It weighs heavy on my soul. Fran took Sam in today to get an
distemper shot. It was a pretty day and it’s Fran and my 3rd anniversary. We
didn't do anything to celebrate but just stayed home together. It's hard
getting back to getting up so early again.
8 January 1980 Tuesday
Kay Wiker picked
me up and I worked my new hours and in the afternoon Gary Ratliff called me
into the lounge to talk to me, He said he wanted to be my friend again but not
as close as we once were. I didn’t really know how to respond. I felt like he
just wanted me to be one of the crew. Well I finally found out how he feels
about me. The Holy Ghost witnessed to me
to just let our relationship go, Just let it go. Dean Guthrie didn’t come in
this morning because of a bad snow storm on the roads and left early after he
did. Gary didn’t make it in until later
also, The snow storm was a real mess. When Kay and I were off work we helped
push this girl’s car out of a snow bank. I did not feel good about Gary and my
conversation. I can’t trust him. I want to but I wonder if I can ever trust him again?
9 January 1980
Wednesday
I cleaned the coaches’ offices this morning with Dean
Guthrie, Cliff Garland and Kay Wiker for the first hour. Then was supposed to
work my assigned area while rest of the crew built a scaffolding to change out the emergency lights in the
concourse. I asked Heavenly Father to
help me with not feeling so left out. During lunch painted some on an oil
painting I am doing while Gary and Kay played backgammon. It was kind of a
depressing day until this new kid Rick Roper was hired to help me in the
concourse. He’s 22 years old and in college. Finally someone to talk with.
Heavenly Father really answered a prayer. Kelley Carlson and Gary are drifting apart
but now I have someone to fil the void that Gary leaving has left. I
think work can now finally be tolerable. Kay is still picking me up and taking
me home. Fran had to go to court today because of the accident and plead not
guilty. She has to go back on February 22. Gary is not being kind and it’s hard
for me to respect him anymore
10 January 1980 Thursday
When days are depressing as this one was, I hate to even write down what happened. Kay Wiker picked me
up and after work drove me down to La Paloma afterwards where Fran went back to
work. There Fran fixed us something to eat. It was Fran’s first day back to
work since the accident. Kay and Dean Guthrie worked for most of the day
painting the lunch room . I found out today that Gary ripped the phone out of
the First Aid room because he didn’t want me using it. He is also going to make
Kay an assistant to Dean over the rest of us. Gary is just building Kay up
against me. He also told Kay that I had
called one of Kelley’s friends and told her about Gary and Kelley’s affair but
I hadn’t. I couldn’t believe it. So I had a long talk with Kay and worked out a
lot of my feelings about work. I’ve asked Heavenly Father to help[ me let my feelings for Gary go. Grandma Williams died just a year ago and so
much has changed since then.
11 January 1980
Friday
It was a much
better day at work. Heavenly Father really helped me today and I had the spirit
with me so strong. I worked all day with Pat Winter cleaning the storage area
in front of Gary’s office. I apologized to Pat today and I told him I forgave
him for all offensives real or imaginary. Then about 11 I went and talked with
Gary Ratliff. I wanted to tell him I forgave him too but he was furious because
he believed that I called Kelley Carlson’s friend Dolly Anderson telling her that Gary and Kelley were having
an affair, I plainly and forcefully with
the spirit told him that I did not call any of Kelley’s friends and I don’t
know any of Kelley’s friends. I said I have never lied to him and have always been straight with him
and if he still thinks I am lying then some day when he’s closer to the spirit
he will know that I am not. I also told him that I have forgiven him and I
asked for forgiveness and if he still wants to hate me then that’s his burden and his problem
because I won’t carry it anymore. I’m really through with it. I had to work two
hours of overtime with Kay in ticket sales . I was paid today $350 but only
cleared $280.
12 January 1980 Saturday
Fran and I went down town this morning to ZCMI to cash my
check. Then she came back home while I went to the genealogical library and
turned in Grandma and Grandpa Williams’ temple work. I stayed until 4:30 then came home. There I helped cleaned the
house while Kay Wiker took Fran to a laundry mat. We then went up to the U in
the evening and say Superman. Kay had never seen it before and he loved it.
That movie is still exciting. We didn’t get home until midnight. Kay is going
to take me to Bountiful on Monday to put
some more money down on the Nova. I’m going
to try and put $250 more on it.
That will make $700 or half. I’ve got to go to Zion Bank also to see if I can
get some money out of them from the insurance money. It was kind of a warm day.
It even rained some as it was 54 degrees. My stomach is feeling queasy.
13 January 1980 Sunday
I must have come down with the stomach flu as I am
really sick to my stomach. I stayed in
bed almost the entire day and didn’t attend any of my meetings. Frann fixed BBQ
chicken for supper that was pretty good.
Mom called and said everyone is sick in California even the Donna’s baby.
Charline has moved from their place and Dennis’ mother Janet is in the hospital
with a blood clot on the brain. She’s in a semi-coma and will be operated on
this Tuesday but it doesn’t appear good.
14 January 1980 Monday
I spent much of the day hauling risers up the wind tunnel
by rope. Then had to set up the arena floor for the basketball game tonight. Gary Ratliff was in a sour mood
in the morning which caused Dean Gutherie to be bummed out also but Kay Wiker
and I had fun together. Gary and Kelley Carlson are getting close again. They sit
in the office all afternoon and play backgammon together. Kay is bummed out because
he feels left out again. Gary is not repentant at all and Gabby is crazy. She
should have insisted that Gary get rid of Kelley if he was truly sorry. After
work, Kay took me downtown to the bank to get some of the insurance money so we
could go to Bountiful but the bank was being weird So we didn’t get to go. We
went to La Paloma for dinner and called King’s car and told him we have the
rest of the money by the first of February. He surprised me and said that Gary
had a check for me.
15 January 1980 Tuesday
Spent most of the morning bringing out the side Basket
Ball hoops. During Lunch, Gary Ratliff and Kelley went out together alone again
and during our afternoon break Gary showed two pornographic films in the lunch
room. Three minor 17 year old high school kids were there. They were good LDS
boys and I felt terrible that Gary would do that with them there. When I walked
into the room and saw what was going on, I turned around and left. Thank Heavenly father that
he helped me resist temptation. Last night I had a dream or a vision of the
Second Coming where the moon and
sun were both in the sky and colorless
while in the East a great light was the Heavens. I immediately knew it was the
Lord and I fell to my knees and started praising Good and soon Fran joined me.
It was a beautiful dream but how contracting are things at work. Gary is trying
his best to justify what he is doing and to bring the rest of the crew low. Like
how can they dare criticize his adultery when they are watching porno films.
16 January 1980 Wednesday
I made the decision to get back into school in the spring
and work towards an elementary education certification. I am tired of working
at the Special Event Center. Dean Gutherie came and told me that Gary didn’t
want me to have an walkie talkie anymore and that I am to work completely by
myself now. He said Gary really hates me now
and to be on my toes. I told Dean that I didn’t blame him at all and I
only feel sorry for Gary, not anger. I’m going to tray and hang in there until
March. But I don’t know how, I brought in some brownies for the part time
people. Jed Hansen asked why was Gary
putting all these posters up in the office like “I’m not here to judge” and “Bad girls
always get what they want.” I walked
downtown to and bought an ensign
Magazine and rode the bus home with Fran. I talked a bit with Richard
Hilton today.
17 January 1980 Thursday
I quit my job today. It was giving me a headache as well
as a heartache. Gary called me into the office and that I had taken more time
on my breaks that I was supposed to have
and that he would put me on report. I asked, “who said I was taking too much
time?” and he said it was none of my business. He also said I was not to talk
to the part time kids at all. I lost my temper for a moment and argued with him
but tried quickly to calm down again. I decided form the point on that
it would be my last day. I just did my work as good as I could so as not to be
faulted. In the afternoon when Gary was showing porn films again this time to
Brian Neilsen and Randy Turpin, who is over plant operations, I turned the
lights on and said I’ve come to get my things and here are my keys. That is how
it ended. Kay Wiker drove me home. Fran went to her Spanish class so I was
alone with my thoughts all evening . I
called Mike Allred and we talked for an hour. I know Heavenly Father wanted me
to quit. The Gary I knew and had so much fun with is gone, gone, gone.
18 January 1980 Friday
I woke up around 8
but didn’t get up until much later. Fran went to work at La Paloma while I
looked in the newspaper for want ads. I
saw two positions that seemed to me pretty good. One was at Shanks Florsl in
Bountiful and the other was Buddy’s. a fast food place in Sugar House. I took
the bus to Bountiful and it took over an hour
from downtown. I decided that job would be too much of a hassle trying to get to work. It was rainy and windy
for much of the day. In the evening I worked for Tommie Martinez at La Paloma
until midnight in the kitchen. It was weird.
19 January 1980 Saturday
I was hired at Buddy’s today and will start on Monday. It
was extremely windy today. It blew our screen door off its hinges. I think I
will enjoy my new job. Today was Dad’s 55th birthday born in
Portales, new Mexico.
20 January 1980 Sunday
I went to Priesthood and Sacrament today and did some
Home Teaching. It wasn’t as cold and windy today. A cousin of Fran’s from
Rochester, Minnesota wanted some information on the Fuch’s genealogy I’ve
researched. I talked with Kay Wiker today and he said that Gary was really
depressed and nobody was saying anything about why I quit. I called mom today
and she said Dad was taking a nap. Fran called her Mom and invited her to come
to Utah this summer to see us. I doubt whether she will. We watched a movie on
TV called “Fun with Dick and June” in the evening. The elder’s Quorum President
said he has a car he trying to sell.
21 January 1980 Monday
It was my first day of work at Buddy’s Drive Thru
Retaurant Hamburger Stand near at 1275 Simpson Avenue and 13th East.
I worked with the manager Dave Facer and two girls named Marie and Cherrie. It
wasn’t too difficult and I worked from 10”15-6. in the evening Fran and I went
to the Elk Theater on South Temple and saw a double feature “Hair” and “Cuba”.
We took a taxi home as the buses stopped running when we got out.
22 January 1980 Tuesday’
I only worked from 10 to 2 today and Dave wasn’t in and
it was a drag. The girls are son immature. when I got off work I took the bus
into Bountiful to see King about getting my deposit back. I didn’t see the Nova on the lot so I am sure
he went ahead and sold it. He only gave me $300 out of the $450 I had put down
because he said he didn’t have it with him and said I would get the other $150
next week. I came back to the city and
went to the Salt Lake Library and checked out several Operas and operettas
including Madam Butterfly and The Mikado.
23 January 1980 Wednesday
I worked from
10:15 until 6 mostly with Dave Facer. We talked about movies we liked because
he’s into film making. After walking back home, I spent the evening cleaning
the kitchen as it was a mess. Meg Madsen
called to see how were doing hearing that I had quit the U of U. They were
doing good, I guess. Kay Wiker came up to work to drop off tickets to the Molly
Hatchet concert for sandy at La Paloma but I guess she ended up not
going after all. . He said that Gay Ratliff
is really ragging on Dean now as he redirected his animosity towards him..
I listened to Slavic Music for most of the evening
24 January 1980 Thursday
I worked from noon to 7 tonight. Dave Facer didn’t work so
I worked with Sherrie and Nancy for most of my shift. The day went slow but
wasn’t too bad. In the evening I listed to the Mikado and went to bed fairly
early, around 10. In the news there was an earthquake in San Francisco although
they said there wasn’t much damage.. Yesterday President Carter gave his State
of the Union Address and said he’s bring back registration for the draft It
won’t be long I suppose until the dread draft is back all together. They are
even wanting to register women. I guess the U.S. is going to Boycott the
Olympic Game this Summer in Moscow since Russia invaded Afghanistan. I think that is a good thing. Those who argue
that sports should be above politics are just being ostriches. I quit the
Special Event Center just a week agio but its sees so much longer.
25 January 1980 Friday
I worked seven hours
today at Buddy’s primarily with Sherrie. Kay Wiker said he’d pick up my
paycheck from the Special event center
for me. In the evening Fran and Sandy Jenkins from next door and I went to
K Mart where I bought the album Hair from the movie as we loved the movie.
Fran’s sister Mickey called today and wanted Fran to fly back to Chicago for
Mickey’s divorce. So I guess Fran will leave
on Sunday and come back February 3rd. Mickey is buying Fran’s
plane ticket otherwise we couldn’t afford
it. What is going on with me? I feel so weird like the floor was pulled right out from under
me with my relationship with Gary Ratliff and my job at the Special Event
Center. I am working as an Assistant Manager at Buddy’s. I really do miss the
Gary I once so admired.
26 January 1980 Saturday
No entry
27 January 1980 Sunday
I went to Sunday School today with Fran and it started to
snow. It was really snowing when we walked home almost a blizzard. Paulette
Gasparac came by the duplex to take Fran to the Airport. I said Goodbye from
the house and kept Sam company.
28 January 1980 Monday
I only worked from 8 to 2 today
29 January 1980 Tuesday
I only worked from noon until 5 today because it snowed
so badly that the store closed early. I had to walk back and forth in the snow which
nearly 14 inches fell. The city closed up early also. The U of U closed down
and so did the shopping malls and downtown. I shoved the sidewalk and driveway but it didn’t do
much good The back of the duplex has drifts 3 to 4 feet high and cars on 13th
South and east are slip and sliding left and right. What a mess.
30 January 1980 Wednesday
I worked from 8 until 1 in the afternoon and then came
home and tried to clean up the place some. I watched TV a little and felt real
listless until Fran and Mickie called. That cheer me up. Fran said she would go
to the Newberry Library in Chicago to look up some things for me in their
family history collections. It was a cold,
cold day.
31 January 1980 Thursday
Another very cold day. worked from 11:45 to 6 o’clock.
The heat was off in the building so it was chilly at work. Afterwards I took
the bus to the genealogy library to look up some Williams family stuff. It is
the last day of month. Goodbye cruel January.
FEBRUARY
1 February 1980 Friday
Fran is still in Chicago with her sister Mickey. She
won’t be back until Sunday. There’s still lots of snow on the grown. It hasn’t
snowed since last Tuesday but it’s been so cold that it can’t melt. I worked
from 11:45 to 5 today. I am not real
thrilled with this job. There’s no creativity, no challenge, no one to talk to
when Dave Facer isn’t here.
The girls are nice enough but have none of the razzle
dazzle that Gary Ratliff and Kelley Carlson had. Maybe
it’s just as well. Sometimes I wake up and expect to go back to work at the
Special event Center., as if it was all a bad dream and everything is back the
way it was. I wish Fran was home. I miss her company and am lonely. I took the
bus to the genealogy library to look up more records on Barnwell District South
Carolina on the Williams and Kearse families. I found that George Kersh
(Kearse), Harriett Kearse Williams grandfather as in Granville County as early
as 1775. That area later became Barnwell.
He was a Revolutionary War soldier as well as Britton Williams, Wylie
Green Williams’ grandfather. I went grocery shopping and bought Sam some dog
food and some other things I needed/ It’s been so cold lately. I’ve turned the
heat down to 55 degrees so our heat bill won’t be so high. I’ve always liked
the month of February. It means Spring can’t be that far away. January turned out to as depressing as it always is.
I hope to get back into school this spring to finish my teaching certificate. I
need to grow closer to Heavenly Father to keep me in check. I saw Regina Beach
, J.R. Peacock’s daughter today when she
came up to Buddy’s to get something to eat. She said the Peacocks are okay. She
is my 1st cousin 2 times removed. In the news , I guess the U.S. is
going to boycott the 1980 Olympics in Moscow and everyone is thanking Canada for
sneaking six of our hostages out of Iran.
2 February 1980
Saturday
I worked today and after coming home, I cleaned the house
really good and changed the front room around for Fran who is coming home
tomorrow.
3 February 1980 Sunday
Fran came home today. I picked her up at the airport and
we took a taxi home. She was being really weird
and was on a crying jag all evening. She was on pain pills because her back was
really hurting and she was depressed
leaving her sister Mickey and coming back to Salt Lake City. She said it was
difficult leaving her so unsettled with her divorce
4 February 1980 Monday
Today is my day off so I went up to the University of
Utah to see a Elementary Education counselor. Their program was really stupid.
I wouldn’t even get accepted into the program until Winter Quarter 1981 so I
wouldn’t be doing my student teaching until 1982! Rhen to even be admitted I’d
have to take a battery of tests. I was really disappointed. Fran didn’t work today
either. We went to the show and “The Legacy” and “the Deer Hunter”. The first
one was really insipid but the Deerhunter really left an impact on me.
5 February 1980 Tuesday
No record
6 February 1980 Wednesday
No record
7 February 1980 Thursday
I drove down to BYU today to see an elementary education
counselor. They said I could start in the spring and be out by Winter Semester 1981. It was
really neat but the thought of driving all the way to Provo was discouraging. I
went to see Fran at LA Paloma and the spent the rest of the afternoon with her
helping in the kitchen. I can’t decide whether to go to the U or to BYU. The U
would not disrupt our life style but it
would take two years to finish where BYU
would really disrupt our lives but I could be finished within a year.
8 February 1980 Friday
I called weber State this morning on a whim because I did
not have a good feeling about either BYU or the U. I talked with a counselor over
the phone and felt encouraged. So I am going up there next week to register for
school. I worked at Buddy’s from noon until 5. I am barely scraping by however we bought a used washer and dryer
today so no more laundry mats. We went to the show tonight and saw Steve Martin
in “The Jerk”. There was a sneak review for the Robin Williams movie “Gorp”
also but both were stupid and we felt
cheated at $4 a ticket.
9 February 1980 Saturday
I worked from 11:15 to 5 at Buddy’s as I didn’t even know I was supposed to work
until I received a call from Dave Facer. This morning before going in, I
cleaned the front room, the bed room and bathroom really well. Fran went to
work at La Paloma. In the evening we went over to Dave Facer and his wife Pa,
for dinner. It was nice to get out of the house but the evening was nothing to
write home about. In the news President Carter said that women as well as men
should register for the draft.
10 February 1980 Sunday
We went to church and Fran said she is considering
becoming a Baptist as her attitude towards the church was not wonderful lately.
Today was the second anniversary of Murray Van wagoner’s exit from the veil of
tears. Fran said she still gets angry
with him for leaving her as she misses him so much.
11 February 1980 Monday
No record
12 February 1980 Tuesday
Today is Fran’s 35th birthday. She said she
was really grateful she isn’t in Wyoming like last year living among the oil
riggers and the cook’s kitchen helper. I
spent much of the day on a bus going up to Ogden and back home again. I filed
out an application to start school at Weber State this spring . the best news
is that the education department said
that I could complete everything for an
elementary degree in three quarters providing I finish my secondary Education
degree also. I didn’t get to spend much
time with Fran on her birthday as I didn’t get
back from Ogden until nearly 8 this evening. On the bis I talked to this
rough neck that was working in Wyoming
on an oil rig so like Fran, I am
grateful that we aren’t up there slaving away.
13 February
1980 Wednesday
No Record
14 February 1980 Thursday
I went down to La
Paloma after work to pick Fran up. I brought her a Valentin’s Card. Charline
called this evening and said that Dennis
Wachs’ mother Janet Lamb Peavy died this morning at 11 o’clock/ I haven’t talked with Charline in a long
time. I guess she and the kids won’t have to move after all. Charline called to find out where
Janet was born and who her folks were so I gave
her what little I knew. Strange how Dennis never inquired much about his
own mother and now she is gone.
15 February 1980 Friday
No entry
16 February 1980 Saturday
No Entry
17 February 1980 Sunday
I went Home Teaching with Dean Wallace this afternoon.
Frab is still sick with her flu. I hope I don’t come down with it. On March 2
our new church schedule begins and
church will be from 9 until 12. In the evening Kay Wiker and his mother Elaine
came over to visit and pick up the oil painting I did for him. He said that
Gary Ratliff asked about us. That really surprised me as I do miss him
18 February 1980 Monday
I called in sick
today and it rained all day.
19 February 1980 Tuesday
I spent the evening cleaning out the basement and also
doing some oil painting. I listened to records all day especially the Mikado
and Tannhauser
20 February 1980 Wednesday
We went to the
consumer credit bureau this morning to
see if we could get in to see a counselor
21 February 1980 Thursday
We went back to the Consumer Credit place early this
morning and I feel pretty good about dealing with them to consolidate our debts
. However Frab seems to think we still ought to file bankruptcy. It rained for
most of the day again and I guess the storm is pretty bad in California. Old
President Cart has decided for America to boycott the Moscow Olympics and the
athlete are madder than hell but they’re
so egotistical and selfish so who cares.
I spent time today down at the Genealogy library and found a gold mine of information on the
Kearse line Great great grandpa George Kearse Williams’ mother was a Kearse.
Jseph Brabham a Scotsman marred Flora McPhail. He came to Virginia in the
1750’s and migrated to South Carolina. Their daughter Flora Brabham married William
Kease and had two children George and Harriett before Flora died. William
Kearse then remarried Elizabeth McMillan. Harriett Kearse married William Green
Williams and was the mother of George Kearse Williams. This family move from
South Carolina, to Georgia, then to Alabama and finally to Texas. George Kearse Williams married Rebecca
Shelomith Rushton and settled in Cass County, Texas. Their son Edgar Lewis
Williams married Rosa Lee Perser and were my great grandparents. They would
move to Dickens County, Texas. I want to get closer to Heavenly Father and keep
his commandments as there is so much temptation to sin.
22 February 1980 Friday
No Entry
23 February 1980 Saturday
I received a summons from Brighton Bank today. I cleaned
house and went to work at Buddy’s only
for an hour. I need to find another job. Yesterday Fran was in court all
morning about her car wreck. Steve Madsen came up to represent her but when her
case came up she was given a dismissal . Fran was the only one with a lawyer.
24 February 1980 Sunday
No Entry
25 February 1980 Monday
No Entry
26 February 1980 Tuesday
It was my day off so drove down to Provo to meet with
Steve Madsen. He went over the bankruptcy paper since Fran and I decided to
file. I went to the library to type up a
lot of the forms.
27 February 1980 Wednesday
No entry
28 February 1980 Thursday
No Entry
29 February 1980 Friday
It’s leap day so it’s the last day of February instead of
the 28th. Fra and I went down to the Federal Court House above the
Post Office and across from La Paloma. We turned in our Bankruptcy petition forms and paid our $60 to file. Reflections on the
month of February. I am still working as an asst. manager at Buddy’s on Simpson Avenue in Sugar House.
I was hired for 40 hours a week but Dave Facer never gave me more than 20 hours
and sometimes less. I don’t like any of the girls I work with and I suppose
they don‘t like me either. However I don’t have any long time plans to stay
here. I applied to weber State College
and was accepted so I will start
this spring. We bought an old
station wagon from a man in our Ward for $500 so we transportation again
however I walk to work whenever I can as Buddy’s is just about a mile from the
house. I miss being at the Special Event Center with some of the guys but not
the drama
MARCH
No Record
2 March 1980
Sunday
Fran and I attended all our meetings on the new schedule.
Priesthood is at 9, Sunday School at 10, and Sacrament at 11. We are home by
noon. It is truly a wonderful schedule meant to have all the meetings in a
three hour block rather than spread out over the day due to energy costs. After
church was over Fran and I spent the rest of the day just enjoying each other's
company. I fixed a big pot of Texas chili for dinner and ate on it for most of
the day with cornbread. I took a nap in the afternoon.
3 March 1980
Monday
I only worked from 11:30 to 1 today because Dave Facer
sent me home early as it was so slow. Hardly worth the time going in. We took
the rest of the bankruptcy papers down to the Federal court House and then I
went to the genealogy library where I xeroxed off a bunch of genealogy to send
to relatives. In the evening, after taking Fran home from La Paloma. we watched
WKRP in Cincinnati. It was really funny. I finished reading Dennis Patrick's
"Auntie Mame Travels Around the World." It was really good. I really
got a tickle out of reading it.
4 March 1980 Tuesday
I didn't work today and rather worked on genealogy as
Dave Facer didn't call me in to Buddy's.
I also went down to La Paloma to see Fran at work. She had to go to
traffic school tonight a Highland High
School as part of her fine for the accident. I wrote Grandma Johnson's sister
Aunt Essie Word and also to grandma's niece Cousin Audie Smith. I also wrote to
Keith Frutiger, Fran's cousin also to send genealogical material I have found.
It was a cold day today. It was windy also. John Anderson from Illinois won the
presidential primaries in Vermont and Massachusetts on the Republican ticket, however Ronald
Reagan will probably be the Republican candidate with perhaps Anderson as his V.P.
5 March 1980 Wednesday
I worked 8 hours at Buddy's from 10:15 until 6:15 but it
was really slow today. I worked mainly with Marie. I really don't like or care
for any of the people I work with as they are stuck up high school girls from
East High. I was paid today and only
made $103 and each paycheck is less and less. It's ridiculous. Fran went to her
overeater's anonymous meeting this evening. However I didn't do much of
anything. I did walk to work and back although the weather was cold and chilly.
It will probably rain tonight.
6 March 1980 Thursday
I only worked with
Laurie from 10:45 to 6:00 although the time went by pretty fast. However I made
up my mind to quit as I am not making any money and am tired of being under
appreciated.
7 March 1980 Friday
I went to the genealogical library today and looked up
some more family records on the Williamses of Barnwell County, South Carolina
and especially the Kirkland's.. I found a deed recorded in 1820 between George Kirkland and his daughter
Elizabeth Kirkland the wife of Wilson Williams and mother of Wylie Green
Williams. So I finally found George Kearse Williams grandmother. George
Kirkland had two brothers named Reuben Kirkland and Robert Kirkland who all
came from Scotland to Virginia then down to South Carolina.
8 March 1980 Saturday
I called Dave Facer today and told him that I quit as he
gave himself 60 hours and me only 16 hours. How did he expect me to live on
that? Anyhow my state retirement check
came finally from working for the U of U
. I went grocery shopping and bought fruit and food for Sunday diner. I called
a man named Karl J Walker who is a descendant of the Kirkland's of Barnwell
County . In the evening Fran's friends Lynn and Shannon Spencer came over for a
visit. It was nice.
9 March 1980 Sunday
I had such a
restless night with Sam jumping up and down on the bed and never settling down.
Fran and I went to all of our meetings at church today. Fran wrote a lot of
letters to send off and I fixed a T-Bone steak for dinner with mushrooms and
onions cooked in butter, green beans and cracked wheat dinner rolls. We also
had baked potatoes with butter and sour cream and a lettuce and tomato salad
with alpha spouts served with a ranch
style dressing. It sure was good.
10 March 1980 Saturday to 23 March 1980 Sunday
March is a transitional month for me. I quit work at Buddy’s
because UI knew I would have sooner or later because of going back to school.
But when I would go into work I would get sent home after about an hour. It was
really ridiculous. I was hired as an
assistant manager trainee for potential full time work but each week my hours
were cut more and more just so Dave's
labor costs could be kept down. I was really never liked by any of the girls on the day shift who were typical narrow minded insipid nothings . Dave turned
out to be a real wimp. . I went to work
at La Paloma for a while on the weekends to help out but what we really lived
on my state retirement check. I bought an electric typewriter for $200 and paid
$300 in tuition and books at Weber State and of course rent. The money
went pretty fast. i went to the dentist twice in March and had two cavities filled. I have to go
back in Aril and have my wisdom teeth taken out.
24 March 1980 Monday to 30 March 1980 Sunday
On the 24th of March besides snowing like crazy we went
to the Bankruptcy Court to meet with our creditors. It sure was a good thing
that Stee Madsen represented us because it was a harrowing experience. We
weren't the only ones there but it
turned out we were the only ones that didn't have any creditors show up. So all
the things that Frann had been dreading
didn't materialize. She didn't have to face anyone from Auhrbach's. Most
of our debts were from Fran's student loans from college. Afterwards we went over to La Paloma, which
is right across the street from the Federal Court House and had lunch. I was supposed to have registered for class
that day but I had to be in court that
day. So on the 25th I took the Bus to Ogden
then transferred on another bus to
Weber State where I tried to get my classes. I could only get 18
unites as one of the classes I need was
closed already. I'm taking 3 education classes, and an English Lit class for
children. It really seems over
whelming to be back in school and I have
to really start cracking the books. I have
a lot of reading. A lot. So far the only
two classes I have to attend is an English lit class on Tuesdays and a Science
education class on Wednesday. I really like my classes so far but I don't understand at all the Will-Kit program I have to do.
Fran has been working 6 days a
week now and sometimes a double shift on Saturday. She likes the people she
works with and that is half the battle of working. Although if something came
up better for her she'd quit. I guess she
is taking a Spanish class on Thursday nights from the community school
programs. and talks to Fortino at work
who is a Mexican who only speaks Spanish.
On Monday nights she is also taking a crocheting class and Wednesday is over
Overeaters Anonymous Meeting. So life is really busy for her also. So much of my time is taken up by riding the
bus to Ogden ad back. I spend anywhere between 4 and 5 hours a day just riding the bus. Fran wants to move to Ogden
but I think it would be unwise to move from what is familiar to us in Salt Lake. Plus I'd really hate to move and have everything so upset again. I
got to do a lot of genealogy while waiting for school to begin.
31 March 1980 Monday
Well I am back in college again
taking 18 hours this quarter in Elementary Education. I’m taking Education 325
and 326 which deals with teaching
reading, language skills, social studies, science and math. I have 9 will-kits
to do in Ed 325 and 12 in Ed 326. . In Math I had to come up with 34 lesson
plans for teaching different problems in
math. That really terrified me as I never took one math class my entire college
career. Also I had to micro-teach a math and science lesson on video tape which
I really hate to do. I spent the first two weeks of the quarter just trying to
figure out a will-kit is and what I need to do to complete each one. It’s
really frustrating. Those that aren’t working on a dual certificate like me had to take an introductory classes
which would explain what to do and how to do them . I was really frustrated at first but the instructors were so nice and they all
have spent individual time with me to help me along. Dr. Jimmie Merrill is my English
reading and language instructor and he is just great. He pulled me through so many
of the Will-Kit assignments. I really
doubt whether I could have made it without his kindness and help. When I would go into pass off a Will-Kit, I’d almost flunk
the test and he’d let me take it over and over again orally, then pass me off. He’d ask me a question and I’d
say I don’t know and he’d say yes you do then pull the answer right out of me. I do want to remember him as
one of my best and outstanding teachers
I ever had. For social studies I had Karen Lofgreen and she is a super nice
lady, also a great teacher. She’s real bubbly
and enthusiastic and in general a
sweetheart always ready to stop anything
she is doing to help or find an answer She’s
a neat lady. Now Dr. Johnson, who is in charge of Math and science will-kits really
intimidates me. I don’t know whether its his stern father image or what, but I didn’t like him for a long time because I was scared of him. I guess I was really
afraid of failure, knowing my own weakness in science and math, than of him The
other two classes I am taking are
Children Literature and Science in the elementary
grades. This girl named Leslie Brch is in both my two night classes and is a
really big help in trying to do these Will-Kits. I really like my Children’s
literature class. Most are ready picture
books while I am reading about 100 pages of young adult books like by Judy Bloom and Louis Sachar. Dr. Williams teaches the class and I like her
personality but I think she is somewhat
unorganized. The class is too unstructured and this ius really fun class. It
meets on Wednesday from 4 to 7. There isn’t any required reading per se just in
my science for Elementary just that each
week we share something we read dealing with science and turn in 2 science
lessons. These are ditto off onto card stock to share so that we all can start
collecting a file on science projects. Its really neat.
Added Material and Memoirs
The first of the year was a difficult time with quitting
two jobs and just drifting without any real direction. Fran and I had settled
into a companionship marriage neither completely willing to admit it. We truly
were alone and isolated from any family support and Fran’s friends came and
went frequently. I had no confidants with whom I could truly share my struggles
with my sexuality. It was a difficult time to have such a detachment with
reality. I was more in love with Gary
Ratliff than I was with Fran but was able to keep a semblance of being a
dutiful husband. Part of that was allowing Fran to have a life of her own unrestrained
by me. Poor Sam was such a devoted dog
and rascal and was left alone a lot more than he deserved. One of my favorite
memories of him was once hearing him howl in the kitchen I saw him on his hind
legs trying to get at the butter dish on the counter which each time he reached
out with his tongue it was pushed further away. He was so frustrated and I
thought it was so funny. He was an
excitable pup and we got him into doggie training we he jumped on an elderly lady
visiting on the porch and knocked her off the porch in the snow. I was so
mortified but she wasn’t hurt and took it in stride as amusing.
The days
I recorded nothing was often times I was lonely and out cruising for male
companionship. My main place was up at Orson Spencer Hall on campus which was
notorious for sexual encounters between males.
I was not the only one seeking affection in our loveless marriage as once I walked in on Fran and Fortino at La Paloma and Fortino was kissing Fran. I turned around and walked out more upset that I wasn’t giving her the romance she deserved.
Songs that were meaningful to be during this time were "We
don’t Talk Anymore" , "Please Don’t Go", "On
the Radio", "Sara", "Lost In Love" "Another Brick in the Wall" and "Him"
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