The Year 1970 Memoirs and Antidotal Material

 1970 Memoirs and Antidotal Material 

Ages 18 and 19

1970

This is more a recollection and a reconstruction of the year 1970 than a journal as I didn’t resume keeping a daily record of my life until 1971. However, I had over the years written about events that had happened during my Winter Freshman and Fall Sophomore years at Cypress Junior College in Orange County, California.

I did write down a few events in a notebook but actually I was reluctant to put my personal feelings down on paper as I did not want a record of my true feelings for John Cunningham to be discovered. However, those feelings did spill out of me as I was unable to control my feelings of unrequited first love.

I did not know until 1971 of anyone else who had the same secret feelings that I had and in truth I was ashamed of them as society expected me to be. I knew that Gay people were either to be made fun of, ostracized, or killed.

            In a Creative Writing class, I took at Cypress College in 1971, I had to write a “dialog” passage. I reconstructed for my assignment the traumatic conversation I had with John Cunningham when I told him I loved him. Of course, I left out any indication that this conversation was between two males. My instructor wrote in her notes on my assignment “I’m not sure whether the confusion that takes place in regard to the character’s identities works or not. Since the relationship here could have any number of sexual overtones and roles, I find the argument to be ineffective and inane as you may have intend it to be.” She gave me a B+.

            I was still 18 years old at the beginning of the 1970’s. High School had not prepared me for life, but I did love being in college, especially being with John Cunningham who depended, somewhat, on me.

My parents allowed me to live at home with little demands on me, as long as I was going to school. I was still living at home at 11562 Dale Street in Garden Grove, along with my unmarried sister Charline and her infant son James Edgar Clark.

I had not yet changed my name to Ben Williams. I was still Edgar, not Ed or Eddie, just Edgar. That was the name John knew me by. Nor was I not especially religious although being raised Church of Christ, I suppose I was more than many of my peers. It was only after John, and I broke off our friendship did I try to fill the void I felt with God as a means to fix me as I felt broken. When George Harrison’s My Sweet Lord was released in December of the year did, I try to find some meaning in my life.

I was extremely fortunate that in 1970 there was no tuition in the California Education systems beyond Student Fees so my only expense was in buying my text books and school supplies. Living in the North Orange County Junior College District I was allowed to attend college free otherwise I would not have been able to afford to attend college. The cost ordinarily for books, supplies and Associated Study Body fees were generally not more than $75 per year.

While I had signed up for the draft in April 1969, as required by law, and to keep my draft card on my person, I managed to avoid the draft by having a student deferment. for both John Cunningham and me. The requirement was to be a full-time student and keep a B overall grade point average which I did for both John and me.

I say for John also because there were times when John seemed less interested in doing required term papers and other assignments and I would do them for him besides my own class loads. At the time, I thought that John was so brilliant that he couldn’t be bothered doing such mundane tasks as researching and writing a term paper which actually I enjoyed doing, especially if I thought it would bind John closer to me. Additionally, the thought of John being drafted and possibly dying in Vietnam motivated my desire to keep both our grade averages up.

January 1970

            My first semester in College ended on Friday,  30 January 1970 after Finals Week. When I received my grades, I was amazed. I had been told by my high school counselors at Rancho Alamitos that I would never be able to succeed in college and that I would be better off joining a branch of the service rather than wait to be drafted. The threat of the draft and the love of John Cunningham was a great motivator, however.

I received an A in my Western Civilization 4A class taught by the formidable Thomas V Reeve. That was an extremely hard class, but I received 3-unit credits for it. I only got a B in my English Rhetoric 1A class for 3 units taught by Mrs. Yamada. I really didn’t understand much what was required in that class.

We were required as first-time college students to take a class called Guidance 40 Introduction to College for 1 unit that was taught by a school counselor named Mrs. Mellom. It was just either a passing or not passing class. I passed.

I had taken Cultural Anthropology with Mrs. Fouste only because by the time I was allowed to register last fall, most classes were already filled. I really did get much out of it but passed with a C grade for 3 units.

I had dropped Mr. McLeod’s United States History class because I had signed up for the section out of order, so I took an American Government class instead for 1 unit and got a B in it. I had to take a P.E. class, so I took Volleyball for ½ a unit because I thought it required the least coordination on my part however, I managed an A out if the class. So, all in all I had a B average in 11 ½ units

            John Cunningham and I often went to the movies a lot. That was what people did back then before VCRs and Cable TV. The main Theater Complex in Orange County was the Edwards Cinema chain but there were also lots of standalone theaters. There were many Drive-In Theaters with our favorites being Highway 39 on Beach Boulevard  near my house, the Orange Drive-In on State College Boulevard, and the La Mirada Drive-in in Santa Fe Springs that you paid by the car load and not by the individual. Opened in 1953, the La Mirada Drive-In, was one of the largest drive-in theatres in the country at that time with the capacity to hold approximately 1,000 cars.

In 1970 Orange County had 11 drive-ins mostly managed, by the Pacific Theatres. In 1969 drive-ins received some competition when Syufy (now Century) Theatres built the 70mm-equipped indoor Cinedome on property adjacent to the Orange Drive-In. John and I saw 2001 Space Odyssey there.

One of the first movies John and I saw at the start of the year on January 3rd was Paul Newman and Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid at the Brookhurst Theater on Ball Street in Anaheim. The number 1 song for all of January was BJ Thomas’s “Raindrops Keep Falling In My Head” from the movie.

The following week 9 January 1970 Friday was John Cunningham’s 19th birthday, and it was a rainy day, but it cleared up when we decided to celebrate his birthday by going to the movies. We went to the Cinedome Theaters on Chapman in the City of Orange to see 2001 Space Odyssey. It was an amazing movie but being so young I had a hard time understanding the ending of it when the astronaut became a fetus.

Another film John Cunningham and I saw together in January was Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould in M*A*S*H which although it was technically about the Korean War the subtext was it was about the insanity of trying to keep sane during the Vietnam War. MASH was a box-office hit and was the third highest-grossing film released in 1970. I would see it several times more throughout the year, several times again with John and also with my childhood friend Jerry Smith who lived one street over from Dale Street at 11591 Poes Street in Anaheim, and a new friend Ralph Ludders who I met in the Spring Term at Cypress.

On 12 January 1970 I read in the Sunday Los Angeles Times that Nixon said he wants to end student deferments. I was worried until I read that those who already had deferments would be grandfathered in, so John and I were safe as long as we attended college.

One of the big local news items I remembered was from 13 January 1970 when two Cal State Long Beach professors were put on suspension for having four nude models show up at a lecture on Social Myths of Contemporary America in a sociology class. That was so scandalous but showed how the New Left professors were pushing the envelope of society norms. It also showed how more daring Los Angeles County was compared to conservative Orange County. Public nudity in any form or context was still a rare novelty.

During the end of the Fall Term Jerry Smith, who attended South Coast Junior College, and I went to the Huntington Library in San Marino taking my baby nephew James Clark with us. He was barely 2 years old, but I would take him on lots of excursions. The Library and gardens were then free to the public and housed an art collection including The Blue Boy and Pinkie. I first went there with John Cunningham in 1969 and have always had fond memories of the place.

Popular songs on the radio acted as a background score for much of my young life and many I associated with my love for John Cunningham or reflected the social and cultural mood of the youth culture of America as Baby Boomers were coming of age. Songs I heard all month long in January were Peter Paul and Mary’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” Diana Ross’ “Someday We will Be Together,” Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Down on the Corner,” Steam’s “Hey, Hey Kiss Him Goodbye,” Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love,” The Jackson 5’s “I want You Back”, Shocking Blue’s “Venus”, and Dionne Warrick’s “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”.

Spring Term Registration was made a lot easier because this time it was first come first serve by appointment only and you can be sure that I made sure I was one of the first to register.

 For the Spring semester I enrolled in Art Appreciation 5 with Mr. O’Brien from 10 in the morning, followed by U.S. History 1A at 11 with Mr. Magnusson, and at noon Political Science with Mr. Boyle. So, I had three classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday one after the other without any long breaks.

On Tuesdays and Thursday, I also took three classes. I took Volleyball again as my P.E. elective at 10 with Mr. Mercandantes, followed by Western Civilization 1B with Mr. Reeve again now at noon. I signed up for Geography as my physical science with Mr. Hahn as an evening class at 7 for Tuesday and Thursday. I carried 16 and a half units to be able to keep my student deferment.

The fall semester ended in January and final examinations for day classes began on Monday January 22 until Friday January 29. The semester official ended on that Friday.

February 1970

I started a new semester at Cypress College in February. I made sure this time that most of my classes were with John Cunningham. As my Ford Galaxy car was a gas hog, John and I often rode to school together in his yellow Karma Ghia, but I paid him gas money for picking me up. It was a special time just being with him in those close quarters of the sporty Volkswagen. We always parked in the lot just outside of the Bernstein House’s Fine Arts Building. The Bernstein House was named for Leonard Bernstein. Being History majors, John and I were assigned to the Bernstein House as were all those who were lumped into the Humanities and Liberal Arts.

The Cypress College House System at the time had the Carnegie House named for Andrew Carnegie for Business majors, and the Edison House named Thomas Edison for Technology majors. Each Building had its own cafeteria and student government.

I took 13 ½ units classes for my second Freshman term to maintain my student deferment for the year. I had History 7A, Western Civilization 4 B, Introduction to Art. All which were 3 units each and P.E Volleyball for a ½ credit.

 I took Physical Geography on Monday nights  which substituted for any physical science class as it required a lab. Mr. Hahn taught the 4 units class. In the Geography lab class, I met Ralph Albert Ludders Jr., and we became friends while hanging out during the breaks. He would be the first person to whom I ever admitted I was in love with a boy.

On Saturday 7 February 1970, Jerry Smith really wanted to see “Start The Revolution Without Me” with Gene Wilder and Donald Sutherland who were playing two sets of identical twins, which were accidentally switched at birth. The parody was set in revolutionary France.

The movie was not playing anywhere in Orange County, so Jerry and I did something unusual for us. We drove into Los Angeles to a theater near La Cienega Boulevard. I thought the movie was hilarious, but the critics didn’t so much.

            While I went to the movies a lot in the winter of 1970, the most memorable one for me was The Sterile Cuckoo with Liza Minnelli playing a neurotic Freshman in a college. I saw it with John Cunningham at the Golden West in Westminster.

I identified with Minnelli’s of Pookie character. In a way, she typified my relationship with John. I too was possessive, neurotic, selfish in my totally altruistic way. She had also accused this kid at a frat party of being Gay, when she was drunk, which made me so uncomfortable, as I was also afraid also of being accused of being a homosexual.

Over the course of its cinematic run, I went to see it several times but mainly by myself. When the song from the movie Saturday Morning came out it gave me such melancholy feelings of John having been my Saturday Morning college love.

Songs that were popular in February and were always on the radio were Sly and Family Stone’s “Everybody Is a Star,” Tom Jones’ “Without Love,” Eddie Holman’s “Hey There lonely Girl, The Guess Who’s No Time, Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Who’ll Stop the Rain,” Mark Lindsey’s “Arizona,” Brook Benton’s “Rainy Night in Georgia,” The Tee Set’s “Ma Belle Amie, Simon, and Garfunkel’s mega hit “Bridge Over Trouble Water.”

In the nightly news was the trial of the Chicago Seven defendants, most notably anti-war activists Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, and Tom Hayden, who were tried for conspiring to incite a riot at the 1968 Democratic National Convention. About 15,000 protesters attend the anti-war rally and attempted to march towards the convention but were confronted by police. Clashes between police and demonstrators last several days and over 500 people are arrested.

The trial ha began on September 24th, 1969. Over the course of the trial the United States National Guard was called in to control crowds of demonstrators that gathered around in support of the defendants.

The trial called counterculture folksinger icons to testify, including singers Phil Ochs, Judy Collins, Arlo Guthrie, and Country Joe McDonald. New Left activists testifying for the defense were Norman Mailer Allen Ginsberg, Timothy Leary, and Rev. Jesse Jackson. In February of 1970, all of the defendants were acquitted of conspiracy but five of them are convicted of inciting a riot. They were sentenced to five years in prison each and given $5,000 in fines each. In November of 1972, all of the convictions were overturned by an Appeals Court on the grounds of judicial bias and bias in jury selection.

When word got out how hard Mr. Reeve’s Western Civilization class was eventually so many dropped it so there was only about 7 of us left. I couldn’t get that kind of attention even if I would have went to a private school.

As that Cypress was very small, not crowded at all, there was never a parking problem. Lots of times John Cunningham and I parked next to each other because there were so many empty spaces especially in the Bernstein House parking lot.

I was able to talk John into taking me to school the Spring semester because our schedule was mostly the same. I said I was having car issues but in reality, I just wanted to be with him. I paid him gas money for taking me.

March 1970

John Cunningham and I had our usual spat where he wouldn’t want to see me for days at a time although I would see him in his regular spots studying in the Cypress Library or in some our classes. This was the case for much of March, so I attended movies a lot without him, mostly with Jerry Smith, or often alone.

            The movies I saw with Jerry were blockbusters like “Airport” and “Woodstock” and a few lesser ones like  The Ballad of Cable Hogue,  but the most memorable one I saw alone.

 On March 22, a Friday I read in the movie section of the paper that a controversial film called “Boys In the Band” was having an exclusive premier at a theater that I think was either in Costa Mesa or Newport. It had a tag line that “is not a musical.”

I knew it had a homosexual theme, so I was drawn to go see it but frightened at the same time. I remember sitting in the theater parking lot trying to brace my nerves to go up to the ticket counter. I was so afraid that by buying a ticket that I would be identified as being Gay.

            The movie was thrilling and yet depressing but it was the first time I had seen homosexual characters in a movie where they didn’t end up killing themselves like in Shirley MacLaine did in The Children’s Hour or Rod Steiger in The Sergeant. Nor was it psychologically damaging as in The Killing of Sister George. It was the first film where I saw Gay people as in real if damaged relationships. In 1970 how else could Gay relationships be portrayed?

            Songs that were played constantly were the  Beatles “Let It Be,” Jaggerz’ “the Rapper, The Chairmen of the Board “Give Me a Little More Time,” The Hollie’s He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Brother,” Santana’s “Evil Ways,” the Delfonic’s Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time” and my favorite Edison Lighthouse’s Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes.”

Making the news was that on March 18, the United States Postal Service workers went on strike in New York, California Ohio, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Massachusetts, and Colorado with 210,000 out of 750,000 U.S. postal employees walking out. President Nixon assigned military units to post offices and the strike lasted 2 weeks.

At the end of March, I had the mid-semester blues. I started looking for permanent work because Dad wanted me to go back to work for H & L Coors Beer Distributing during Easter Vacation. So instead, I went down Lincoln Avenue in west Anaheim, stopping  at all the fast-food joints. When I asked for a job at the Taco Bell at 3238 West Lincoln Avenue and Westchester, the owner, 55-year-old Leo Waldman [1915-2008] sporting black horn-rimmed glasses and a crew cut and wearing a white shirt with a black clip-on blow tie, asked if I could start right now. I said sure and he hired me on the spot.

I only worked a couple of hours, mainly shredding lettuce, while Leo waited on customers. He then told me to come back at 4:30 with a white shirt and he would let me wear his bow tie until I could buy one. Thus, I was hired at Taco Bell at $1.55 an hour for 22 hours a week and all the tacos I could eat.

            When I went back  home to Dale Street, I had to break the news to Dad that I wasn’t going to be working at H & L because I found myself a permanent part time job at Taco Bell. I thought Dad would be upset with me  because he had a fit last summer when I wanted to work with John Cunningham at night as a delivery boy for Pizza Man. But this time actually he said in the long run I would probably make more money working steady at Taco Bell. That’s all he said to me, but it was enough to get me off the hook working as a “swamper” helping truck drivers deliver beer. I was called a swamper as I employed as a general laborer assistant. I learned later the termed referred originally to a laborer to a riverboat captain. Ha!

            I first worked at Taco Bell with two Mexican kids about my age named Steve Gonzales and Frank Ruiz. At first, I was kind of afraid of them because I always heard how tough Mexicans kids were, but we actually became friends. In fact, I became friends with them sooner than I did this college age girl named Karen Gramsted as she was reserved and stand offish at first. Karen and I both attended Cypress College and I later learned that her father was an insurance man for the parents of the singers Karen and Richard Carpenter. She and her brother lived at 809 South Winchester, in Anaheim although I had never been to their house it was not far about a mile from Taco Bell. Other kids who worked there were Ken Grant and Steve Young both who were both still Juniors in high school and kind of immature.

            Anyway, my first week at Taco Bell was just miserable for me as there were so much to learn and I never thought I’d ever get the hang of folding a burrito right. Every time I rolled the stupid thing the fillings would ooze out at the ends making a mess. Steve Gonzales however was real patient and helpful. He taught me the simple trick to folding them by tucking an end in before rolling in order to avoid making a mess. After that major hurdle was overcome, the rest of the food preparation was a snap.

            When I first started at Taco Bell everything on the menu was just 25 cents. It didn’t make any difference if it was a bean burrito, a bell burger, or a taco. The drinks were all 10 cents, 15 cents, or 20 cents. California’s state Tax back then was just a nickel on a dollar so you could buy any three food items and a large drink and with the tax it came to $1 which made it super easy to ring up an order. We had an old fashion manual cash machine that we had to enter the amount before the register would open. We figured out the price on a scratch piece of paper or in our heads.

            Leo Waldman’s Taco Stand was a private franchise which he owned outright. All he had to do was buy the meat sauces, the red and green chili sauces, the hot sauce condiments, and the paper products, and also make sure he kept the Taco Bell Menu. He also could only sell Pepsi Products. Other than that, he could do just about anything he wanted.

            I was a very conscientious worker, and I always prepared the food right and it tasted good when I was in charge. Leo Waldman trusted us completely and we had no night time supervisor.

Leo Waldman was a good boss and died at the age of  93,  in  Anaheim, California, on December 17, 2008.

April 1970

The Beatles officially broke up in April of 1970 when Paul McCartney publicly stated on my 19^th birthday that he was leaving the band. Let It Be was released as their final album a month later. The Beatles had been such a major source of music and culture for my teenage years from 1964 to 1970.

            I turned 19 on my April birthday which as it was a Friday, I talked John into going with me to see Midnight Cowboy. However, on Katella and Magnolia, someone turned in front of John’s Karma Ghia and we had an accident. No one was hurt and the car wasn’t damaged much but we went to a payphone to call our folks. His Dad came to talk to the police and Mom came and took John and I back to the house where I then took the Ford Galaxy and John, and I went ahead on to the movie which we saw at the Brookhurst Theater on Ball Street. John’s Dad took the Karma Ghia back to John’s house after exchanging insurance.

            The Midnight Cowboy had won the Oscar for best picture, and it was kind of hard to relate to since it was about the seedy side of New York City and about two broken people. The Gay scenes were embarrassing and yet titillating. John Barry’s score for the film always reminds me of sitting next to John in a darken theater.

            In the middle of April while in my History of the United States class, I sat next to this red-haired girl whose hair was cut in kind of a “Mia Farrow’s Rosemary Baby look.” It was not fashionable for the times as most girls were wearing long straight hair. She passed me a note saying she wanted to go out with me, which really took me by surprise as I hadn’t paid any attention to her or any girl for that matter.

            I had noticed that she kept looking at me from across the aisle out of the corner of my eye. When I did glance at her she would smile at me and out of habit I would smile back at her, but I didn’t even know her name until she passed me that note.

            Her name was Judy Stacy. She was petite and slender very much like the actress Mia Farrow. She wore bleach dyed blue jeans which was the rage and usually a tie-dyed soft pastel ribbed knit sleeveless top that clung to show off her tits.

            I passed the note back to her saying sure I’d like to go out with her. She then scribbled me another note asking me to come to her place to study and have dinner. After class she told me where she lived. I thought since she attended Cypress that she lived nearby but I almost choked when she said she lived in Chino, nearly 35 miles from Cypress.

To get to Chino you had to drive through Brea Canyon Road which near Diamond Bar was said to be haunted. The road was narrow, winding, and made you have to drive slow especially at night. But since I committed myself to the study date, I had no choice.

            Judy asked me to come over for dinner on Friday April 24 and we then also made a double date to see a movie with my new friend Ralph Ludders and his girlfriend Brenda Maloney.

In the news on April 13th the second oxygen tank on Apollo 13 exploded, causing issues with the other oxygen tanks. The crew contacted  earth  with the famous line "Houston, we've had a problem." On April 17th, the crew of Apollo 13 successfully splashed down in the Pacific Ocean near Samoa, with all of the crew surviving.

On April 22, the first Earth Day was celebrated in the U.S partially in response to the huge Santa Barbara oil spill in 1969. The aftermath of the spill inspired then Sen. Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin to organize what came to be known as "Earth Day", when he succeeded in amassing some 20 million people to the cause of educating people on issues related to the environment on April 22, 1970, with the help of Denis Hayes, the organizer of the first Earth Day, and U.S. Rep. Pete McCloskey of California.

How can  describe my first date with Judy Stacy but to say it was a disaster? It took me over an hour just to drive out through all the hairpin turns of Brea Canyon then trying to find her parent’s house which was out in the rural country. When I finally did locate it,  I saw that it was a typical California rambler ranch style house but from the looks of it I could tell that Judy came from far more money than me.

            Judy’s plump Italian mother greeted me at the  door and invited me in. She was all smiles and seemed very congenial. Judy then came out to join us and we sat at the kitchen’s breakfast bar where we looked over some history notes that I had brought along.

            I should have known something odd was going on between Judy and her mother by all the eye contact they were making with each other. Judy’s Mom asked me if I wanted to see a card trick. To be polite, I said sure. She then pulled a card from a deck and when I touched it I it I received a small electric jolt. Judy’s Mom started laughing but Judy simply smiled and said Oh don’t mind Mom. She’s a real kidder.”

 I tried to compose myself and thought what would happen next. I was really hoping that the time would pass quickly, and I could get out of there.

            Judy asked if I liked stuffed cabbage rolls, and I said sure when in fact never had them before in my life. When they were served, I could hardly eat them as they were strange and unfamiliar to me, but I smiled and said they were yummy. What was strange was that I was eating alone. Neither Judy or her mother ate with me. Judy said she was a diabetic and couldn’t eat except at certain times. So, I awkwardly ate my cabbage rolls which Judy and her Mom watched.

 After trying two of the cabbage rolls and trying to keep them down, Judy’s Mom tried to force another one off on me  however I really did resist this time and said I really couldn’t eat anymore but they were delicious.

            After clearing away my plate, finally Judy and I began to get some serious studying done when I overheard Judy’s Mom say to her, “Do you think your friend would like to see the wild animal your brother caught?” Judy replied, ”Oh I am sure he would,” and then she beckoned me to join her and her mother on the back patio.

Speaking to me Judy’s Mom said, “Judy’s brother caught it while it was trying to kill some chickens.” She added, “We don’t know what kind of animal it is. All we now is that it’s quite vicious.”

            Judy then spoke up saying, “Yeah, it nearly bit my brother’s two fingers off and he had to have stitches to save them.”

            “But don’t worry now, “ Judy’s Mom reassured me. “We have him in a cage so he can’t get out. We just want you to look at him to see if you can tell what he is. Our neighbors think he might be a wolverine, but I never heard of a wolverine being down here. All I know is that whatever it is, it’s mean and vicious, so don’t stick your fingers in the cage.”

            So there, out on the backyard patio I saw this wooden crate with a wire mesh screen covering the front side of the box.

 “I don’t want to pick the cage up, Judy’s Mom said, “because it just makes him go berserk so just stoop down and look through the screen.

I really didn’t want to stoop down and peer into the cage, but Judy and her Mom were so insistent that out of good manners, I had to at least have a peek at the creature. I was told to get down on all fours, which I did as I was asked. I peered into the box which  was dark inside the wooden crate, and all I could make out was some gray fur bunched up way in the back.

            “Can you see him?” Judy’s Mom asked. I said “No, he’s too far back in the cage.” Then she said, “Stay where you are, and I’ll gently tap at the back to coax him to come out towards the front so you can get a better look at him.”

            Before I had time to respond that it wasn’t necessary, Judy’s Mom was tapping at the back of the wooden crate and then swoosh, up popped the front door of the wire mesh screen and a large gray furry creature sprang up at my face! I didn’t have time to think or yell because the fright was too great.

            Then I was aware of the belly laughing and braying coming from Judy’s Mom. I turned and saw the slightly embarrassed look on Judy’s face and her trying to stifle a chuckle. I looked down at the ground and saw a rabbit fur pelt and immediately the blood came back to my face.

            “You should have seen the look on your face!” Judy’s Mom said almost doubled over from laughing as if her sides were going to split.

            Not knowing what else to say, I lamely said, “Yes, I guess it was pretty funny. But it’s getting late so I should be going now.”

We went back into the house where I gathered up my notes and thanked Judy’s Mom for dinner. She had now composed herself and said, “Well you are a good sport. No hard feelings?” She extended her hand.

I said, “No hard feelings” and shook her  hand. Immediately I heard a buzz and felt a pain. She had a surprise hand buzzer within the palm of her hand.

            I said goodbye to Judy, hurried away still hurt and bewildered by Judy’s Mom’s amusement at my expense. As I drove in back down through the dark canyon,  all I could think about was dreading our date for next Friday.

On 17 April 1970 My sister Donna filed for divorce from her first husband Terry Pierce in April. One day I had a phone call from Donna, and she asked me to come over to her apartment. She sounded so upset and had been crying. Terry and Donna had just recently moved into some apartments off of Adelle Street behind Lampson and Dale Streets. When I arrived, I could see that Donna had been crying and I asked what was wrong and Donna said that she and Terry were going to get a divorce. I said to her, “Donna you can work things out with Terry” thinking that it was she who was the one initiating the divorce because he was such a jerk. What she said next dumbfounded me because it was the furthest thing from my mind. She said “No Terry left me. He’s run away.” And that’s how Donna’s ill-fated marriage ended.

            Terry had pawned some things of Dad’s, sold their stereo and television which they were buying on credit. He also ran up their credit cards to the limit before skipping the state, leaving Donna in debt, and abandoned. She had to move back home in with Mom and Dad. She later filed bankruptcy and became bitter about marriage for several years. Grandma Williams gave Donna the money to file for divorce. Terry only married Donna to avoid being drafted and later she told me that Terry liked to dress in women’s clothing. He was six years older than Donna originally from New York State. She became very bitter about marriage after the break up.

            Grandma Johnson wrote Mom a letter dated April 21. “  Dear  June and all. Hope you all are getting along. We went up home Thursday and Friday night all cyclones came when we had got in from the gin meeting. Electricity went off. So were in the dark. TV was off and batteries down on the radio. We went to bed. Didn’t know  just want it done till morning. We come Saturday  but thank goodness  wasn’t right at us. Though the damage was great at Plainview and Clardon at that fishing lake all the trailer houses were destroyed and 14 killed.

            Mr and Mrs Huskey and John come down Tuesday and stayed until Thursday. We all left at the same time. We all had a good time.

Did I write you Wanda’s boy got married Gary. Jr. Nichols Boy was in a car wreck taken 32 stitches on his face and Boots Gray’s tractor run over him. Had to take both legs off. Don’t know where he will live or not and a Mr. Strobbefield shot himself. Didn’t want to live  any longer. I agree it’s a troubled world but it’s the only  one I know and I want to stay long as I can.

Guess the astronauts came in on a wing and a prayer.  I thought for a while they would be left in space.

 How little James sure looked like he has grown . Good Jr got  work. Know it helps to have money he can call his own.

JW and Polly  and Kay was okay She had dinner ready when we got up there. Kay still mooning over Guy. She wont date anybody just wouldn’t be true to Guy, the little ugly wart.

            Mr Huskey came by on his way to Jacksboro  to a job. Said Judy had lost all her fat and Buddy and Joann was still in School. Pam was fat a ever. Better get this in the box.  love from us.”

            Songs that were hits on the radio in April were John and Ono Lennon’s “Instant Karma,” the Jackson 5’s “ABC”, Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit In the Sky”, Badfinger’s “Come and Get It”, Bobby Sherman’s “Easy Come, easy Go” The Friends Of Distinction’s “Love or Let Me Be Lonely”, The Guess Who’s “American Woman”, The Supremes’ Up the Ladder to the Roof” , Tyrone Davis’ Turn Back the Hand of Time” and Bobbie Martin’s “For the Love of Him”

In the news President Richard Nixon signed the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, which banned cigarette television advertisements starting on January 1, 1971.

On April 29^th, the U.S. widen the war in Viet Nam by invading Cambodia to hunt out the Viet Cong which soon sparked widespread, large anti-war protests especially on college campuses.

As soon as I was able to register to vote in 1970 (the age to vote was just lowered from 21 to 18) I registered as a Democrat. It was the party of FDR, JFK, and LBJ. It was the party that supported unions, the middle class, and civil rights. I never had to apologize for my vote because I never voted Republican.

May 1970

            About the 1^st of May Frank Ruiz quit at Taco Bell and I talked Leo Waldman into hiring John Cunningham, who was looking for work. John and I only worked together for about three months before John quit in July. Leo had John and I work together on the weekends with me training him.

            Karen Gramsted was mad that John was hired, as she didn’t like him and thought he was a goof and that he wouldn’t be able to learn the job, but I was really patient with him as Steve Gonzales had been with me. Nevertheless, I basically carried him through the hardest parts of learning the routine.         

At Cypress College, slowly it was dawning on me that I was getting better grades than John at Cypress and I was a better worker at Taco Bell. I was faster and better able to think on my feet quickly.

On 1 May 1970 Friday, Judy Stacy while in class  said that while she was looking forward to our date, she didn’t know why we had to go with another couple. I said it would be fun to double date but in reality, I was thinking there’s safety in numbers. As it was, I had to drive all the way back out to Chino to pick up Judy however this time I made sure I didn’t go back into the house of horrors but waited for her outside on the front porch.

            We drove back to Orange County where I picked up Ralph Ludders and Brenda Maloney. We took my car this time as the Ford Galaxy was much roomier and less cramp than Ralph’s compact.

            We went to the Highway 39 Drive-In off of Beach Boulevard and Lampson where we saw Steve McQueen in The Rievers and Richard Harris in A Man Named Horse. While waiting for it to get dark, Judy and I sat and talked while in the back seat Ralph and Brenda made out. I found out that Judy was 3 years older than me, and sexually had gotten around as she didn’t waste any time.

She was all over me, kissing me, giving me hickies on my neck, and was trying to arouse me but we couldn’t do anything real serious as Ralph and Brenda were in the back seat. Still, she had me rub her breasts and she put her hands into my pants. It was a hot time at the old drive-in. I can’t really remember much about the two feature films until I saw them again later that summer with John Cunningham.

            Anyway, the movies were over by midnight and after dropping Ralph and Brenda off, I asked Judy if she wanted to go someplace and make out some more, but she said it was late and she ought to be getting home.

So, I drove her home through Brea Canyon with Judy cloned to my side with her hands between my legs getting me hard while I tried to concentrate on getting us home in one piece through the winding canyon.

            At her house, when I tried to kiss her goodnight, she acted like I was trying to take advantage of her, and she said she had to go inside. That was the extent of our second date. The drive down the canyon was spooky that late at night and I kept imagining I was seeing hitchhikers in the dark.

            By the time I reached home, I had come to the conclusion that Judy was one weird girl and while we were sociable for the rest of the school term, we never dated again until the fall term in September after John and I had broken up.

About this time  in the Spring of 1970, John Cunningham started smoking pot that his older brother Andy had turned him on to. The song Mama Told me Not to Come by The Three Dog Night band was really popular, and I associated it with John.

 John told me that he felt great smoking marijuana. Eventually he became a heavy user, supplied by his brother who acquired pot on a military base. Of course, I wanted to experience everything John was doing but not being into the drug culture I had no idea how to even acquire some weed.

I didn’t have the money to indulge in drugs nor had any real desire to experiment with them. I never hung around kids that thought it was cool to be on drugs.

I was a pretty straight shooter all through high school and did not hang around with or knew anyone who did drugs. Most of my friends were very much like me, middle class kids only on the fringes of the hippie culture. In fact, this girl named Joey Calamitas was the only person I knew who admitted she took drugs in high school. Even then she mostly took “whites or speed” and she said she occasionally smoked pot.

It is trite to say, but I was high on my love for John Cunningham and that was addicting enough. John and I were attending Cypress College together and working at Leo Waldman’s Taco Bell on Lincoln Avenue, so our lives were pretty much entwined as I had intended.

When John started smoking pot, suddenly I felt left out of an experience that John was having and I was not. I felt like I was losing control of our relationship because of it. However, John said he couldn’t get any grass for me from his brother as that Andy didn’t want a lot of people knowing that he was constantly high as he was on active duty in the air force as a paratrooper.

So, I had to turn to my own resources to try and find a connection. It wasn’t as easy as it seemed. Then it was strictly against the law to smoke Marijuana or even to have it in one’s possession. So, while kids were smoking joints, they were also extremely paranoid about being busted by “narcs.”

The only person I knew that was a pothead was Ken Grant, the high school kid who worked at Taco Bell as our shell fryer. I approached him one day about buying some grass off of him and even though we had worked together since March, he was extremely paranoid. He asked, “How do I know you’re not some Narc?” I tried to assure him that, but he said he had to think about.

Although Ken was really paranoid and even though he had known me for some times he was afraid I might be a “narc” but he reluctantly on May 2nd came up to me at work and asked, “Do you still want a joint?” I said sure so he sold me a joint for $5. I was only making $1.65 an hour so that was a lot of money and was probably way too much to pay but being a novice and feeling lucky to even get a joint I gladly forked over the money to Ken.

Anyway, after work, I went over to John’s house on Capri Street and asked him to walk down to Gilbert Elementary school where I lit up my first hit off of a joint. It didn’t seem to affect me until much later. I didn’t know what I expected out of the experience; probably at least as big a thrill as an orgasm but in that I was disappointed. It was far from any euphoric effect however John said my eyes were dilated and I was acting high. I couldn’t tell whether I was or not

Anyway, we sat on the school’s lawn and talked about life. Being with John was the greatest high. We stayed out until 3 in the morning watching the clouds cover up the stars until John said we’d better go home. He said he didn’t want me to drive in my condition, so he drove me home in his Karma Ghia. He said he’d drive the Ford Galaxy into work the next day and then I could take him home after we closed up the stand.

My first marijuana cigarette was really no big deal. I thought if that’s all there is to it, then forget it.

On 4 May 1970 Monday I was working the front counter at Taco Bell, waiting on customers, when John Cunningham came up to me from the back on the stand where he had been listening to the radio while cutting lettuce. He had the most surprised, astounded look on his face as he almost shouted, “the radio said they are shooting students in Ohio!” I just looked at him like he must have lost his mind, or it was some type of perverse joke. I saw that he was not smiling or suppressing any type of a grin but was deadly serious.

            I just said “what?” because I couldn’t believe what he had just said.

            “They are shooting students on the Kent State campus in Ohio!” he repeated. I stupidly said, “Who is?”

            John shouted, “the God Damn National Guard is shooting protesting students at Kent State.”

            Hearing those words my young days of naivety and trust in the government were shattered. My college experiences were never to be the same and all illusions that the government was there to protect us was over.

            Freedom of speech and the right to peacefully assemble were stricken from the Constitution at that Moment as far as I was concerned. I had to come to grips with a new form of reality.

            The criminals in the White House had no conscience and words alone would never dislodge those evil men from their citadels of power. I knew  then that change could not come about from social consciousness alone but now had to come from within each individual.

           

The shooting of students at Kent State profoundly influenced my outlook on life. I was a student against the Vietnam War. They could have shot me too given the same circumstances. What had sparked student riots and demonstrations across the nation’s campuses was Nixon’s decision to widen the war by involving Cambodia. Nixon had lied to the American public. He promised to end the war in Vietnam but all he did was widen it and now Cambodia is involved as well as Vietnam in Southeast Asia.

            Governor Rhodes of Ohio had ordered the National Guard, made up of inexperienced, scared, and poorly trained youths onto the Kent State Campus to quell the protest over the Cambodia invasion. They fired into a crowd of students who were taunting them. A girl had just put a flower in the barrel of one of the rifles before shots were fired. Four students were killed outright and several innocent bystanders who were just going to class were wounded. It was horrible.

            The next day on 5 May 1970 Tuesday there were protests here in California over the Kent State Massacre and over the escalation of the war which became so intense that there was a call by the radical left to shut down the colleges and universities in the state. Governor Ronald Reagan came on TV and said that under no circumstances would he allow the California campuses to be closed by radicals. He promised to keep the campuses open even at the point of bayonets if need be. He said earlier in April about anti-war demonstrations caused more protests and a riot at UC Santa Barbara, "If it takes a bloodbath to silence the demonstrators," Reagan said, "let's get it over with." Well Governor Rhodes certainly has started one.

On Wednesday 6 May 1970, the day after his speech, the situation on California’s campuses was so volatile that Governor Reagan immediately ordered the closure of the Higher Education campuses, doing a 180-degree reversal of his previous position. He was more concerned about property damage than the welfare of protesting students.

            When the campuses were closed, as if in some ludicrous play the radical left screamed “How dare Reagan silence the University system, the only voice of opposition to the establishment.” Protesting students quickly occupied different campus and held what was called “Free University.”

            As that Cypress College was closed due to the political climate and since nothing was happening on campus, I felt compelled to go over to Cal-State Fullerton to see what was happening there if anything. Over there the Humanities Building was about the only building opened but, on the Fullerton Campus, there were thousands of students gathered.

            There were signs, banner, and posters everywhere proclaiming that Fullerton was a “Free University” where sympathetic professors and instructors held anti-war workshops as well as on philosophy, pottery, ecology, experimental dance, guerilla theater, and so much more arts and crafts. Long haired protestors with bullhorns spoke about bringing down the establishment and the corporate war machine. Colorful banners flowed down the sides of balconies. The one thing that stood out the most to me was an anti-war campus magazine that had as an inside cover a group photograph of twenty or more naked protesting guys and girls flipping off a picture of Ronald Reagan with caption “Fuck You Reagan!” It was the first time I had ever seen a photograph of completely naked people, attracting young people.

8 May 1970

Additional Material

Much of conservative America sided with the shooting of student protestors and in New York City construction workers attacked about 1,000 students and others protesting the Kent State shootings near Wall Street and at New York City Hall.

11 May 1970

Additional Matrerial

 An F5 tornado struck downtown Lubbock, Texas, the first one to hit a downtown district of a major city since Topeka, Kansas in 1966. The Huskys my Lubbock friends were not near the destruction and were safe, but 26 others were killed. At the time it was the costliest tornado damage in America.

14 May 1970

Grandma Johnson wrote a letter to me on this date. She wrote, Dear Jr. was sp glad to hear from you, only one that writes any news. Guess we’re well. I have had the jimmies ever since the cyclone  that got Lubbock  & warnings  are out for more today.

 We have had a lot of rain & everything is so pretty and green . Wish you could see my rambling rose. It’s just a picture.

            Mr. Niniest went home yesterday. Lonesome without  him. He’s like Grandpa Johnson talking of the past so much. Said they had sent Jr. Muller  off . He just got out of control this time & old Jud & Thelma are suing for a divorce again. No wonder its enough to run all the kids crazy.

Haven’t heard from oe but Max and Bobbie wasn’t in the path of the cyclone. Neither was Huskeys except Buddy and Joanne. It was out in on Quirt but haven’t heard where they was home or not.

School will soon be out. Getting anniversary cards;  a long one from Brenda and Leonard. She going to school this Summer so just Danny left to hoe. There’s nothing of news guess you have read & seen all this on TV but I sent it . Write again soon love your grandparents .

23 May 1970 Saturday

I remember one time when we were super busy with lines out to the street. I was working like mad doing both the window and helping John prepare the orders but because he was still new, he was extremely slow. The people were more annoying than usual as I was frantically trying to get the orders out.

Well, there was this one old man standing in line that was muttering and sputtering about John saying things like “Never saw anybody so slow and blah, blah, blah.” He was kind of egging on other people in line to start muttering too and when he said something like “If I couldn’t move any faster than that!” referring to John, my protective instincts just broke loose.

I stopped what I was doing, whipped around and in the meanest voice I ever heard come out of my mouth, I said point blank to him, “Shut up old man or get the hell out of here.” I couldn’t believe I said it and the man was so stunned and did shut up. So did the rest of the whole line. I suppose they thought they were dealing with a maniac or maybe they realized what assholes they had been as that we were working as hard as we could with just the two of us.

Anyway, later when the crowds left, and I could calm down I thought it was rather funny but in reality, I couldn’t stand anyone criticizing John. Eventually he caught on to the routine better, but he really wasn’t that good of a worker. Perhaps that was one of the first flaws in my perception  of a perfect John Cunningham that I had come to grips with.

Songs played on the radio for May were The Ides Of March’s Vehicle, Ray Stevens’ Everything Is beautiful, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s Woodstock, Simon and Garfunkel’s Cecilia, Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Up Around the Bend, Marmalade’s Reflection of My Life, The Moment’s Love On a Two-Way Street, The Poppy Family’s Which Way You Going Billy, Joe Cocker’s The Letter, and the Sandpiper’s Come Saturday Morning which was the theme song of the Sterile Cuckoo and that is how I viewed John Cunningham as my Saturday Friend.

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed my Freshman year at Cypress College primarily because I was with John Cunningham much of the time and I began to blossom academically compared to my high school years.

Before I met John, I was a dull narrow minded and somewhat bigoted average high school kid. I was raised with conservative Texas farming values and in California my immediate family there was no one with whom I could express myself or talk about things that mattered to me except perhaps for my sister Donna but she married and left home when I was only 16.

I was actually starving for intellectual companionship and then John came along. When he came in to my life, he filled that void to perfection. I came out of my dormant cocoon and through John began to realize that there was great big world out there beyond Dale Street and high school that I never imagined.

John’s friendship no matter how precarious, fed my soul. It also created a great dilemma and impasse that was a constant source of confusion. I knew I loved John, but I was struggling with the difference between physical and spiritual attraction as defined by my religious upbringing. Somehow during my Freshman year, I actualized myself as a partially rational and liberal minded person because of John and my love for him.

June 1970

The Cypress’ Spring Semester ended in June, and I received the following grades for the Spring semester. In my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday classes, I had a B in Introduction to  Art taught by Terry O’Brien, a B in U.S. History 1A taught by Mr. Alexander McLeod, and a B in American Government taught by Mr. Joseph Boyle. In my Tuesday and Thursday classes I received in Volleyball a B, in Mr. Reeve’s Western Civilization 4B I got my only A, and in my Physical Geography science class I only got a C, but I kept a B average to maintain my student deferment.

 I met Ralph Ludders in the Geography night class which the only good thing I got out of that class. We became eventually very close friends, in fact I was his best man at his wedding in the fall. He was also the very first person I ever told that I was in love with John Cunningham.

Summer 1970 began with June and having just  finished my Freshman year at Cypress College and I enrolled in English 1B  for Summer school . I was just taking this one class with Mr. Armen Manis  who I thought was a great teacher.

I enrolled in English 1 B for summer school just taking this one class with Mr. Armen Manis who I really thought was a great teacher. John Cunningham and I both took the class together. We spent most of the summer studying English literature and I had to read DH Lawrence’s Sons and Lovers and Hemmingway’s The Sun Also Rises. We also studied poetry that Summer Term and the three poems that have stayed with me throughout the years are TS Elliott’s Love Poem of J Alfred Prufrock, Andrew Marvell’s To His Coy Mistress, and Edna St. Vincent Millay line “Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand: Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!”

            The class was very concentrated, lasting 3 hours for 5 days for 8 weeks. During the breaks I would go and sit with John by the duck pond south of the library.

            Besides school, I was busy at work. By June Steve Gonzales had quit, so Karen Gramsted and I were basically the night managers and were on our own after Leo Waldman went home at 3:30 in the afternoon. It was our job to wait on customers, cook up the meat and pinto beans as needed. The beans were cooked in a huge pressure cooker with just water, salt, and lard. After they were done, we used a drill with a customized blade at the tip to whip the beans and pour them into these plastic tub trays to cool in the walk-in refrigerator.

We also cut up 40-pound blocks of cheese and grated them, shredded lettuce, and cut up onions as needed. Everything was prepared on site.

An incident happened that early summer that I can’t explain rationally still. I was finishing cooking the seasoned Taco meat and draining off the excess fat that Leo Waldman wanted us to save in #5 size cans that that the red and green chili sauces came in. He would use them the fats to season the refried beans.

I was working with Ken Grant, this high school kid and we were super busy during the dinner rush, and we were running out of taco meat, so I started cooking another batch and waiting on customers at the same time. Fortunately, the crowd diminished before we did run out of meat, so I just finished the cooked meat by letting the excess fat drain off.

After scooping out the taco meat and putting them in half pans in the steam cabinet to keep hot, if we needed any later, I found an empty gallon size tin container which our red burrito sauce comes in, and I poured the meat juice and fat into the tin can. I then carried the can into the walk-in cooler to let it solidify.          Leo likes for us to use some of the fat to flavor the beans.

Anyway, we were busy again and this time we were running out of refried beans so I started heating some up and went into the walk-in to retrieve the tin can with the meat fat to use in the beans. As I picked up the can from off the rack, all of a sudden that gallon of liquid meat fat spewed out of the bottom all over the floor and metal racks.

            At first, I was mad and upset at the mess because we were so busy but then I looked at the empty can, and I saw that it had no bottom to it! The can didn’t have a bottom. I called for Ken and said come look at this!

When he saw the mess on the floor at first, he was pissed then I showed him the can. I said it had to have had a bottom or how could I have carried the hot grease into the walk-in? Ken said Maybe it fell off” and we looked all over the floor and racks while cleaning up the mess but there wasn’t any can bottom anywhere.

            Karen Gramsted came up later in the evening just to visit and I told her what happened and later even asked others to explain how this could have happened, but no one could, and neither can I. Strange but true.

Mainly in the evening on most days, after the dinner rush, we restocked for the next day and cleaned up the place at closing, my wiping everything down and mopping the floors with bleach water at the end of our shifts. I would do it bare foot, but my bell bottom jeans would get bleached spots on them. After a while, all my bell bottom blue jeans were bleached out on the cuffs where the bleach water would splash on them when I squidged the floor.

            Most of the time working at Taco Bell was fun and Karen Gramsted and I became really good friends. We would play rock and roll music all night long and one of her favorite songs was “Lonely Girl.”  We became such good friends that we would come up to work even on our days off just to hang out and visit. Also, to get some food to eat as we were only making about $1.45 an hour. And of course, we all pitched in and helped each other with the work when we got busy and to close up, whether we were getting paid or not.

            In June Karen had her younger high school brother Jim Gramsted hired on as a taco shell and tostado shell deep fryer. All our corn taco shells were fried on the site, so they were always fresh.

            John Cunningham and I were quarreling  in June somewhat as perhaps he felt that I had deeper feelings for him than simple friendship, and that now the Spring term was over, we were not sharing much of our lives except during summer school and when I would see him at work.

I was becoming more and more demanding of his time in our relationship and wanting something more from him for me. I was still so very much in love with him but was in complete denial. At the same time John needed less and less of me because his brother Andy, having finished boot camp, was home more frequently because he was now stationed in San Bernardino.

            Andy was in the paratroopers and had bought himself a Harley Davidson motorcycle that he kept at his folks' house on Capri Street in Garden Grove. Andy showed John how to ride it and said John could use it while Andy was on base.

Once John came over to give me a ride on the motorcycle and he sped so fast that I had to hold on to him to keep from falling off. It really scared me and made me question John’s judgment. However, because John now was riding a motorcycle, I acquired a motorcycle that needed repairing and I kept in the garage on Dale Street. I never really rode it and eventually my brother-in-law at the time Terry Pierce took it off my hands.

            My friend from Cypress College, Ralph Ludders about this time bought himself a Yamaha motorbike. He had transferred to Cerritos College for the summer.

My senior year in high school I had joined a club called Let Us Vote known as the LUV club mainly because of John Cunningham being in it. The club advocated letting 18-year-olds vote because if they were old enough to be drafted, they should be old enough to elect their leaders. On 22 June 1970 President Nixon signed as a measure lowering the voting age to eighteen which became the Voting Rights Act Amendments of 1970.

At the end of June John and I had just gotten over a horrible argument that lasted for about a month. Less than two weeks later in July we went through a travail which I ended out being together and I almost succumbed to suicide out of despair.

The songs for June were Rare Earth’s Get Ready, Chicago’s Make Me Smile, The Beatle’s The Long and Winding Road,  The Jackson 5’s The Love You Save, Three Dog Night’s Mama Told Me Not to Come, The Temptation’s Ball of Confusion, Vanity Fair’s Hitchin’ a Ride, Blues Image’s Ride Captain Ride, Melanie’s Lay Down, Elvis Presley’s the Wonder of You, White Plains’ My Baby Loves Lovin’, and the Moody Blue’s Question.

            John Cunningham and I went to see the film The Strawberry Statement on 15 June. The movie was about the “counterculture and student revolts of the 1960s, loosely based on the non-fiction book by James Simon Kunen.” The Columbia University protests of 1968 was one of the main feature of the movie.

            The film featured songs that were popular at the time  like "The Circle Game" by Buffy Sainte-Marie, the Plastic Ono Band’s "Give Peace A Chance" Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young’s "Helpless", "Judy Blue Eyes", and "Our House."

            The one movie I went to see by myself was Darling’ Lil that starred Julie Andrews and Rock Hudson about a cabaret singer and spy during World War I. I saw it at the Stanton Theater in the Stanton Plaza between Orangewood and Katella on Beach Boulevard. It was just okay.

As part of the growing anti-war movement on June 24, the United States Senate repealed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution which was the pretext that led us into the Viet Nam War in the first place.

On 28 June 1970 I was working at taco bell and was made a manager by Leo Waldman along with Karen Gramsted because Frank Ruiz had quit in April. I managed to get  John Cunningham  on to replace him. Karen Gramsted, John Cunningham Steve Gonzales, Ken Grant, and Dave Young  were all the persons working there. John and I were going to summer school at Cypress and taking English 1B with Mr. Manis.

July 1970

 

3 July 1970 Friday

Jerry Smith and I went to a drive-in to see “Catch 22” which was all the rage then, but I really didn’t care much for it. I thought it was depression although I was supposed to be a black comedy.

9 July 1970 Thursday

John Cunningham and I decided to go to Disneyland this evening for something to do. We didn’t have classes and we weren’t scheduled to work together at Taco Bell until the weekend. I always secretly considered it a “date” whenever John and I went out.

            We bought out coupon ticket booklet and went on most of the rides. We ate dinner at Captain Hook’s Pirate Ship café where we had their “Tuna Boats.” We sat at a table in the Skull Rock Cove, right behind the ship, to plan out what rides we wanted to go on.

As it was a week day the park wasn’t as busy as it would have been on a weekend but being summer time, it was still crowded. There were long waits at the Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Matterhorn. I didn’t care as long as I was waiting with John.

We watched the Fireworks over Sleeping Beauty Castle after Tinkerbelle came down at 9:30. For the last ride before heading home, John and I went on the Mark Twain Paddle Boat that went around Tom Sawyer Island. The Magic Kingdom is even more magical at night when all the Pixie Lights are turned on and other lights sweep away the darkness with color.

            John and I found a secluded spot back near the Paddle Wheel and we listened to the crickets and the lazy lapping of the water as we leaned over the rails peering into the black water. I was standing as near to John as I dared. I was so much in love with him but suddenly a melancholy thought crept into my head as we were coming towards the end of the ride. I thought this special Moment will soon be over because this is nothing but a fake imitation.

The depressing thought advanced when I looked around and realized that Disneyland was nothing more than an elaborate façade and illusion. I then was struck with the sharp realization that my relationship with John has been nothing more than an illusion also, a fantasy land which I had created in place of reality. Here I had loved John intensely body and soul for over a year and had never told a single person, even John about my intense longing for him.

At around 11 at night, when we left Disneyland, my mood had dramatically changed. I was very morose, and John could tell I was being moody again and started to withdraw, so to break my frame of mind before completely spoiling the evening,  I asked, "Did you have a good time tonight? He just replied “Sure” as I could tell he was put off by my sullen disposition. Trying to repair the friction between us, I inquired “What are you going to be doing tomorrow?”

He coolly said, “I thought that I’d study for English tomorrow. Haven’t had much time to catch up with the reading”

I simply said, “Oh”,  sounding a little disappointed. “Why? Did you have something else in mind?” he asked/

I answered “I don’t know. I thought maybe I could come over and we could do something.” That suggestion was brushed off with a curt, “No I don’t think so.”

“Oh, Why not?”

I received a cryptic reply, “You know why.”

I was afraid to where that was leading, so I said “Well if we aren’t gonna do anything tomorrow then let’s not go home right now, okay? Let’s go to the donut shop first and get something to eat before taking me home.”

DK Donuts was an all-night donut shop that anchored the end of the Orange County Plaza near Brookhurst and Chapman. We had often gone there after going to the movies or some other activity where we would sit and talk. .

I was surprised and gladdened when John agreed and said, “Alright it’s late anyway. I guess a couple of minutes more won’t matter.” The tone of his voice was off putting so I said, “Well now don’t let me take up any of your precious time.”

He snarled at me “Oh don’t be so sarcastic. I said I would, didn’t I?”  I knew I had pushed too far and quickly said to change the conversation, “I’m sorry, so how did you like Disneyland?

“It was fun,” he said rather indifferently. John drove his Karma Ghia down Katella and turned on Brookhurst to get to the Orange County Plaza. We parked outside of DK Donuts where we bought a half dozen donuts and some hot chocolates.

As we sat in the car, in the shadows of the DK illuminated sign, were silent as we devoured our Bismarck donuts until I tried to get us to talking again. I asked John how did he liked the movie we went to last weekend.

 He said it was good, but I said I thought the dialog was contrived after all people don’t really talk like that. People don’t like to get into such deep and meaningful discussions as they did in the movie. They don’t like others to show their real feelings because true emotions embarrass most people.

“Oh, I don’t think you can generalize like that. After all there are lots of reasons why people can’t communicate with each other,” I offered then continued, “I think it’s mainly of the pressure from society that turns most people into neurotics when it comes to sharing their feelings. I know that even at times I feel as if I’m losing my mind and it’s because of society.”

            John answered, “Everybody feels like that once in a while.”

            “I know but not like this. Sometimes I feel if it’s gonna be all over for me pretty soon if I don’t get to a psychiatrist.”

            John was annoyed. “Quit being dramatic. There’s nothing wrong with you, seriously that is,” he said sarcastically. “What do you think it is that’s making you neurotic? Confide in me because I think you’re pretty strange, as it is so you can tell me.”

            Perturbed I responded, “Very funny.”

            The cryptically John said, “Anyway, you don’t have to tell me. I think I know it besides.”

            Taken back, I quietly replied, “No I don’t think you do.”

Frustrated with the conversation he asked, “Then why don’t you tell me?”

Meekly I almost whispered, “Because I can’t tell anyone, especially you. That’s the whole problem. I can’t tell anyone how I feel. Even to myself. It’s extremely frustrating at times.”

“Don’t we all, I mean don’t we all feel like that at times?”

I only said, “No I don’t think so. You can’t possibly know how it feels; to keep something bottled up inside you? How can you?” Then in almost anger, I said, “I have never seen you display even the slightest trace of sensitivity towards anything or anyone. As far I can see you can’t feel anything. You’re as cold as you are rigid. You haven’t the faintest idea of what I am talking about do you?”

“Yes, I do. Christ You really after all this time don’t know me, do you?”

“How can I. You won’t let me really get to know you. I’ve looked into your eyes a thousand times since I first met you and do you know what? Not once have I seen a flicker of light behind those eyes. It really scares me to see how void you are. You know, it’s not just me. You won’t let anyone really get close to you. I sometimes wonder what you are afraid of.”

            John exploded, “Jesus Christ What the hell do you want from me? I have never had a friend like you. It’s not enough that I spend more time with you than I do with myself. I don’t know what you want from me. You seem to want to control me.”

            “No, I’ve never!” I said defensively

“Oh yes you have. I’ve seen you acting that way at times. You’ve always around. Under my skin. Always in my way. Never even letting be alone anymore. Christ You know well how much I value my privacy. You’re suffocating me.”

            “Suffocating you? Just because I like to be with you. Is it just me you can’t stand having around or is it people in general? If I am that difficult maybe I better hang a sign around my neck stating  reading unclean, unclean.”

“Har, Har, Very funny. Your humor is almost as droll as you are.”

I continued with the inanity, “You, you can’t possibly know what I feel. God knows you should by now.” Giving up, I wearily stated, “Oh God my mind is so tired and it’s late. We better go before I say something I know must never be said.”

            Surprisingly, John demanded, “You might as well say it because I think I know anyway.”

“No, you don’t. Thank God for that. You can’t possibly know what I mean, or you wouldn’t be asking me. We better go.” John began to turn the ignition key  when I employed “No wait. Let’s not yet. Let’s just sit here a little longer. Soon you’ll be gone, and it will all be over soon enough as it is.”

            John looked at me irritated. “What do you mean by that? Christ it’s irritating when you won’t say what you really mean. I wish to hell you’d quit this hinting around at whatever you are trying to say. It gets to be very tiresome after a while. I don’t even know what you are talking about half the time.”

I sighed, “It’s just as well.”

“There! See you’ve done it again.”

Knowing that the night was leading towards a major quarrel, I said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I act like that. I just do. I don’t know, maybe it’s the only way I can halfway say what I want to say and still feel safe. You know like a turtle, I guess. I’m sticking out my neck but pulling it back in when I sense danger. There’s a reason I can’t tell you anything straight out.”

Frustrated John coldly responded, “Well then there’s not much use in our carrying on a conversation is there? I mean if you won’t be honest with me.”

I snapped, “Don’t give me this honesty crap. Since when have you ever been honest with me? I can’t be honest with you for a reason. What is your excuse? For me to be honest with you is to lose you.”

Stunned, John responded, “Lose me? Jesus. You don’t have me.”

Resignedly I answered, “I’m more aware of that fact then you will ever know.”

Fed up John looked at me and said, “I don’t understand you. What’s more I don’t want to either. I don’t want to play these cat and mouse games with you anymore. I don’t know why in the world you still want us to be friends. We never have fun anymore. All we ever do is fight. Tonight, was the first time in months that we had fun and hell, we’re gonna fight before it’s over too. I can tell.”

Childishly I said, “Well tough! I’d rather you hate me than feel indifferent towards me. Damn. At least when we are fighting, I can get a reaction out of you towards me. That’s something you never do when we aren’t.” I added, “You know all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never shown me any sign of affection. Not even a pat on the head. God! Your dog Schulz gets more affection than I do. And I’m the best and only real friend you have.”

            Angrily John shouted, “Don’t hand me that. You’re no friend. You’re too possessive. Ever since I first met you all you seemed to want is to possess me or something. And c’mon, I really feel sorry for you. Don’t you think it’s a little sick to be jealous of a dog? You’re really pathetic at times. Yes, I really pity you.”

I laughed, “Ha! You know that is the first and only time you have given me anything. Did it deplete you? Well, I won’t take your pity and spoil your perfect record.”

“Just shut up.”

“You have never given me a thing. Not even gratitude for all I have done for you. Look at all the money I have given you.”

“Christ why should I be grateful. You’re always holding what you have done for me over my head like some damn whip. I’m sick to death of it. From now on don’t do a blessed thing for me! Except for getting out of my life. You’re thoroughly and completely disgusting.”

I knew I had gone too far and quickly repented. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry I really am. Don’t get so mad I’m sorry. Why do I do this to you? I can’t seem to be able to help what I am doing around you. I don’t mean to cause all this stress. God knows I never want to hurt you. I’m confused. I’m tired. I’m not as strong as I pretend. I can’t take us quarreling. Please let’s not fight anymore. I hate it when we do. It just tears me up inside. I am so, so sorry.”

            Rhetorically John Asked, “Why do you always end up apologizing? Why in Christ’s name do we go on like this? It’s over. Friendships don’t always last you know. Why is this one so important; so special; You have other friends. More than me.”

“But it’s your friendship I want,” and I began to weep slightly.

“Why and stop crying. Jesus Why must you cry all the time? You really are pathetic.”

            I then implored John, “we gotta remain friends. Please. Let’s still be friends and forget about tonight. I’ll change. I will be better. I can you know.”

You can’t change and neither can I. And why should you want to change? Why are you so obsessed with this friendship? Well, why? Tell me.”

Then as quietly as I could I admitted for the first time, “Because, because I, I love you.”

            No response but a sad “Oh.”

I continued “I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will love you until I die. You are always in my thoughts, my dreams, and my life since that school in March last year I first saw you.”

John’s first response was, “You don’t love me.”

The taboo subject was breached, “Yes, yes, I do but I never wanted you to know. I tried , I really tried to keep you from ever knowing  or suspecting how I feel about you. Once when we were coming home from the drive-in you said to me almost in disgust why I was looking at you like I was in love with you. Well, I was. I am. You can’t imagine the hell I’ve gone through keeping it a secret from you and anyone else. Pretending just to be a good friend when all the while I just wanted just to hold you. Believe me I really did try to hide it from you. The last thing in the world I ever wanted is to hurt you and now I have.”
            In what seemed an eternity of silence John answered, “I don’t love you.” Like a dagger to my heart. I simply said, “I know.”

Then as in an act to redeem his masculinity he said to me, “In fact I am in love with someone myself.”

“Who is she?”

“I’m not telling you.”

In anguish I told him, “If you are trying to hurt me, you are succeeding.”

As if he was trying to make sense of the unwanted revelation John almost to himself said, “Funny. The guys in PE at Rancho said you were queer, but I never believed them.”

Then seeing the tears in my eyes demanded,” Oh quit crying for Christ’s sake.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Quit saying sorry. I am not trying to hurt you.”

In complete emotional exhaustion I replied, “I know you’re not. But I can’t help how I feel about you. I love you even if you can’t love me back. I love you.
            I  deep remorse for shaming John with my queer admission of love for him, I countered, “I feel so sick inside that I could do this to you,” adding, “ I feel lost.”

Then mostly to myself I murmured in the darkness, “You don’t have any idea what it’s like loving you, cherishing you,  while never letting  you or any other soul know how I feel. It’s my shame, not yours, so I’ve tried to keep it to myself, hidden out of sight. Do you know what it is like to be in love and the whole world calling it sick and wrong? You will never know how many nights I cried each time I left you, knowing that you will never love me. That everything we did was pretense because I knew you would never want me the way I wanted you.”

Then suddenly John admitted, “That is not completely true. I could have wanted you. I could have desired you, but you were always there. You never gave me a chance to need you.”

Completely deflated I lamented, “Now it’s too late.”

John whispered, “Yes it’s too late.”

Looking up at John I said, “Please remember my love for you was never meant to hurt you.”

He asked, “Then why did you? That’s what I can’t understand. Why me? I never suggested anything that you could have construed as any interest in you that way.”

From the pit of my stomach I confessed, “You don’t understand. we don’t choose who we fall in love with. I loved you from the Moment, I first saw you and I still do. And I think I will always love you. You still don’t understand, do you? God do you really think I singled you out for this? Do you think I’d go through all this hell but for any reason than to be by your side? I love you.”

Finally, John stated the dreaded obvious. “We are gonna have to end it all now, you know.”

“Yes, I know.”

Then as an admission John stated, “And no matter what you may think, I really did not know about the way you feel. I guess I was stupid not to see, but you have to believe me when I say I never intended to lead you on.”

I asked, “How was it that you never saw? Are you really that blind?”

“I just didn’t realize.”

Before leaving to take me home to Dale Street, I commented, “Isn’t it strange how the only way I could have kept you in my life was by leaving you alone And now that I have told you of my love, I have lost you forever.” Then the tears welled again when the realization came that , Oh God, I love you so much and I have lost you forever. I can’t stand this. How I hate myself for doing this to you.

            The anguish of that night of telling someone that I loved him for the first time, and that that love was seen as a perversion was overwhelming. I felt like I had shamed John and made what I felt for him dirty. I also knew that we would never be able carry on any type of a relationship even a charade after I had revealed my darkest secret.

            For the next few days, I was shattered. I could not eat nor sleep nor continue as before. The weekend was excruciating as I just cried in my room and hoped to die.

13 July 1970 Monday

Ralph Ludders had moved out of his folks place into an apartment near Cypress. He asked me to come over and while reluctant I felt obligated. Once there he saw that I was near to having a nervous breakdown and demanded to know what was wrong.

            I told him that I had broken up with my “girlfriend.” Ralph looked at me and said, “You must have really loved her.” I then started to weep and broke down. In anguish I said, “It’s not a girl. It’s John Cunningham. I’m in love with John.” My emotions began to pour out of me for Ralph was the first person to which I confessed that I was in love with a boy. It all gushed out of me how I fell in love at first sight, did everything I could to become his friend, spent my senior summer with him, went to college with him and worked so hard to keep both our student deferments up.

            I expected Ralph to recoil from me in disgust and horror, and demand that I leave his place but instead Ralph looked at me kind of puzzled, with sadness in his eyes and quietly said, “You must really love John.” And that is all he said about my confession. He was so totally nonjudgmental and entirely supportive and sympathetic to my declaration of love for another boy instead of a girl.

            Of course, he couldn’t fathom it himself, but the fact that I was in love with John didn’t matter to him. I was his friend, and I was in pain.

Finally, I found someone to whom I could confide in my guilty secret about my feelings for John.

Before sharing with Ralph, I was very much on the verge of a nervous collapse, even suicidal but Ralph was there to be a sounding board. He offered no advice. He did not condemn me. He just listened as I tried to talk through my feelings.

22 July 1970 Wednesday

I remember one time in July riding with Ralph Ludders on his moped motorcycle over to Cerritos, just hanging on the sides of the seat behind him. He scared the hell out of me, and I think  never really had gotten over the spill I had when my uncle Milton Williams had tried to teach me to ride a motorcycle up neat Lake Elsinore.

I had sped up instead of slowing down, around a curve and we flew off the road down into a ravine. I landed first and the bike land on me and my uncle landed on the bike. I should have gotten right back on the bike, but I didn’t and for a long-time riding on a motorcycle made me skittish.

Much of the summer of 1970 when not in class at Cypress or working at Taco Bell was spent with Ralph Ludders. Often times would go to Huntington Beach, and we would build sandcastles on the shoreline just as if we were little kids. We would decorate it with broken shells or sticks that represented John Cunningham and we would sit on the beach as the tides slowly crept up to wash away the sandcastle and John and my terrible hurt. Those times were the golden age of my 19^th year.

Ralph Ludders as well as Jerry Smith and I went to the movies a lot in July. For me it was a form of escapism. On 17 July Jerry and I went to see the movie “Joe” about an uptight advertising executive who in a rage kills his daughter’s hippie boyfriend. At a nearby bar, he hears a blue-collar  worker named Joe ranting about how he hates hippies, and the mismatched pair go on a killing spree of hippies and inadvertently kills the daughter played by Susan Sarandon. Joe was played by Peter Boyle.

The following week I went by myself to see the movie, “Cromwell” about the English Civil War. Richard Harris played Oliver Cromwell and Alec Guinness played King Charles I. It was one of my favorite movie of the summer. But the movie that made the most impact on me was Michael York and Angela Lansbury in “Something For Everyone.”  It was a black comedy about a sociopath murdering his way to marry a German countess in post war Germany. What made it so memorable was it was the first time I saw a man kiss another man romantically.

Some of the summer tunes popular on the radio were Freda Payne’s Band of Gold, The Carpenter’s Close to You, The Five Stairsteps’ Ooh Child, Bread’s Make it With You, Charles Wright’s Loveland, and Eric Burton’s Spill the Wine.

That last song really hurt my heart with the line “naked before every kind of girl” after John Cunningham had made an admission that he had had sex with a girl after I had told him that I loved him. I was extremely jealous and had feelings of inadequacies as well as despising myself for not being manly and capable of loving a woman.

            However Close to You is how I felt about John and Bread’s made me long for John.

July and August were very difficult for me as I was heartbroken over the loss of John.  . What made it worse was that John Cunningham and I still worked together at Taco Bell, and we had Mr. Manis’ Summer class also together. So, we were still thrown together a lot. We never spoke of that July night again and John simply treated me like a casual acquaintance or worse with indifference.

            I had Ralph Ludders as my emotional therapist and our therapy sessions consisted of going to Huntington Beach nearly every day where we played like kids building sandcastles. “Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand: Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!” We would build these elaborate sandcastles and stay until the tide came in to slowly sweep away our creations. Ralph would sometimes place a shell or twig on the top to represent John until he was swept away too. It was all so symbolic to me. I was letting the sun, wind, and tide purge John from my soul. They never did.

            I talked to Ralph unceasingly about John after my initial  admission to Ralph that I was in love with John. It was if a flood gate had been released that I had pent up since I first fell in love with him and could never share that dark secret with anyone. It felt so good to be able to speak to someone about the love I had felt so intensely for over a year but had hid.

            My sister Charline married Dennis Lee Wachs on 31 July 1970. He was a Viet Nam veteran having been in the navy over there. I was so involved in my own issues that I can’t recall how they ever met but sure they were introduced by acquaintances. I did not attend the wedding which I think was done at the court house.  Grandma and Grandpa Williams gave them bed sheets and linen for a Wedding gift.

Additional Material

I wrote the following for the Q Salt Lake called “Come and See My Shining Palace Built Upon the Sand” published July 22 2010.

The Stonewall Rebellion was a year old, and I had still never heard of it. Gays were marching in New York City to commemorate the riots on Christopher Street. It didn’t affect my world.

At the beginning of the summer of 1970, I did not consider myself a “homosexual.” I was not one of those people, who were derided by decent people. No, I would not let myself entertain the thought. Nonetheless, there I was, 19 years old, and hopelessly, unrequitedly in love with a boy named John Cunningham.

It was July 1970 and I had been longing for intimacy with the object of my affection. The only time I’d ever had an “intimate connection” with John was when I was scrubbing his feet to get rid of the tar balls that had washed ashore from the 1969 Santa Barbara oil spill. But this was 1970, a new decade. I was maturing emotionally as well as sexually, and I knew that something had to change in this romantic friendship I felt for John. The change came after spending a summer night at Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth.

The fireworks over the Matterhorn had ended, and Tinker Bell was safely back in her domicile. John and I were on the Mark Twain Riverboat, back by the paddlewheel, peering out over the shimmering black water. We could hear the soft strains of a banjo nearby. I leaned as close into John as I dared, trying not to gaze at him any more than I had the courage; I knew it exasperated him when I looked so lovelorn. Yes, it was a magical night; one that any romantic couple would treasure. However, I suddenly had a melancholy thought. I had loved John with all my mind, heart, and soul for over a year and I had never told him. My mind kept informing me that all of this, this dream of John and I being together forever, was a façade, just like this fake riverboat and this fake Mississippi River in the middle of Orange County. None of it was real.

After we left the park, as was our custom, we went to DK Donuts at the end of the Orange County Plaza near John’s house, where we ate our crumb donuts in silence. Finally, after being irritated by my mood swing for a while, John demanded what was the matter. I felt leaden inside and simply said, “I can’t tell you. If I tell you, I will lose you.” I meant to say, “as a friend,” but I didn’t.

Sometime around midnight in the dimly lit Karmann Ghia, he said, “I think I know anyway.” I told him he could not possibly know what I was feeling.

“Damn it, then tell me,” John insisted.

And so, I softly said, “I love you” while staring out the window into the nothingness of night.

There was no response for what seemed forever, then a small, dull “Oh,” followed by a deadened, “Well, I don’t love you.” My heart was rent from that Moment on.

John went on to say that he had heard from guys in gym that I was that “way,” but he never believed them. He said that he had been seeing a girl and that they had made love. Even though I instinctively knew that was not true, the seed of jealousy was another “blow upon the bruise.” In the wee morning hours of July 10, John finally said he thought we ought not to see each other again. It really didn’t matter to me; at that point, my soul seemed to have shattered leaving me hopelessly weary of living.

John and I departed. We never were really together again. I went home, hoping to cease the pain by sleeping, but even though I was in agony, there were no more tears, and no one with whom to share the worse secret of my life.

The worse part of being a homosexual in 1970 was the feeling of complete isolation. I had said “I love you” to a boy. As Shirley MacLaine had cried out in anguish in The Children’s Hour, I too felt so damn dirty. Not only had I debased myself, I knew I had also shamed John for telling him that a boy loved him. He had to live with that stigma.

I was contemplating leaving this old world when the telephone rang. It was Ralph Ludder, a college mate, who was desperate for me to come over to help him on a term paper. He pleaded so insistently that I had no choice but to repress my inconsolable hurt and go to him.

I know Providence sends angels when we most need them. Ralph was that angel. Upon seeing me and realizing that I was shattered, he implored to know what was wrong. I passed it off by saying that I had broken up with a “girl.” Ralph gave me such a compassionate look that for some reason I could no longer keep living a lie and continue to live. So, I blurted out that it wasn’t a girl. It was a boy, John Cunningham. Then it poured forth, all the bottled-up emotions and passions I had felt for John since I fell in love with him that spring day in English class. I sobbed and drained my nose as well as my tear ducts, and when I was through, I steeled myself for the rebuke I knew would come.

Instead, Ralph looked at me and said, “Wow! You really do love him!” To the day I die, no kinder words could ever be spoken to me.

Ralph was a hopeless heterosexual, engaged to be married. But he spent the rest of the summer with me on the beaches of Southern California where we two 19-year-olds would build sandcastles. Ralph would put a shell or stick-on top, and we would stay until the encroaching tide would come and wash pseudo-John and the sandcastle away. I will always remember the sand, the sun, the glistening foam, and my friend Ralph letting me know that he loved me for who I am, not for what the world said I should be.

Gay liberation came to me in 1970 with the smells of the sea and the calls of sea birds. I would spend my lifetime after that summer learning what freedom meant for me.

August 1970

            During the course of the month Ralph Ludders had me go on double dates with him and Brenda Maloney and usually one of Brenda’s girlfriends. I think he thought I just needed a girlfriend to replace John. I had fun on these dates, but my heart was still with John only. A part of me was missing without him in my life. I did not feel whole. I was empty. I was lost.

At Taco Bell I was able to have Leo Waldman hire on my younger cousin Larry Fagen who was still in high school as that John Cunningham had quit at the end of July.

1 August 1970 Saturday

Jerry Smith and I went to the Highway 39 Drive-In and saw MASH and Hell Boats.

2 August 1970 Sunday

Nixon’s Commission on Obscenity and Pornography stated in a draft report that pornography had no “ascertainable relationship to crime, juvenile delinquency, deviancy or emotional disturbances.” The panel recommended the repeal of obscenity laws for consenting adults.

5 August 1970 Wednesday

To get out of the house I went to the movies by myself and saw “Performance” which was X-rated as it supposedly  explored the underworld’s homosexuality and violence. Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones was in it.

6 August 1970 Thursday

I heard on the news that Disneyland was being shut down this evening, so I rode my bike down Katella Street to see what was happening. There was a major traffic jam as people were told to leave the park. The news said 30,000 people were refunded their money when the park was closed by the police, and it took two hours for all the people and cars to leave. The police was out in force, some in riot helmets and helicopters were flying over the monorail near the Disneyland Hotel. Lots of kids were out and service men from El Toro were out on the street, many were drunk or looking for girls in the crowd to take back to their rooms. You could smell marijuana smoke.

When I asked what was going on, this guy said there had been a riot there by some militants. On the 11 o’clock news however it said I guess about 300 “Yippies, hippies, and other unkempt visitors” were having a sit-in on Tom Sawyer Island and smoking pot. Then they started snake dancing at the city hall on Main Street. Some were even protesting the war and waving North Vietnam flags.

Police from all over forced the Yippies out and closed the park at 7 a little before I got there. I heard about 20 people were arrested.

The last time I was at Disneyland was on July 9 about a month ago. I was with John Cunningham on the Mark Twain Paddleboat going around Tom Sawyer’s Island when I knew that my relationship with him was a façade like everything else there.

7 August 1970 Friday

Yesterday the Selective Service announced that number 195 was the highest draft number for the rest of the year. It said that 163,000 young men would be drafted but for the entire year which was the lowest amount since before 1965. In 1969 nearly 290,000 men were drafted.

8 August 1970 Saturday

I only had to work at Taco Bell from opening until 4:30 when Karen Gramsted worked the dinner rush and shift. I went down to Zody’s on Chapman across from the Orange County Plaza and bought a couple of 45 records. I bought Teach Your Children Well by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, Why Can’t I touch You by Ronnie Dyson and In the Summertime by Mungo Jerry. I went then to Newberrys and bought a Mad Magazine and a double ice cream for 15 cents.

            It was a warm night, and I  was lonesome so I went back down to Taco Bell and helped Karen and the others close up so they could be out of there by 10. Karen said she had a beach party campout that she wanted to get to down at Seal Beach. She asked me to come but I didn’t feel up to it. Feeling kind of sad and depressed. I miss seeing John Cunningham.

            I went to the Westminster Edward Theater and watched “Lovers and Other Strangers” later that month  and “Soldier Blue” a motion picture account of the Sand Creek massacre, and it was said to have been inspired by the news of the My Lai Massacre

20 August 1970 Thursday

I ran into John Cunningham at Cypress and for the first time since July we made plans to go to Knott’s Berry Farm, but he stood me up by not calling or coming over. I was so mad and tired of his indifference and abuse that I called him up and told him off and what I thought of him. He cooled me down however and asked me to go out for a drive with him. By the tone of his voice, I knew that this was it, what had long I dreaded.

            He came over and picked me up and we drove up to Cypress College. There we parked and walked over to the piazza near the campanile where we leaned on the railing and talked. John said he thought it was a good idea if we should split for a year and not see each other, talk to each other, or doing anything together.

            I was so stunned like I was kicked in the heart. I was quiet. What more could I say but after the hell I went through this summer, I was resigned to give in to whatever John wanted. I was so exhausted from the emotional drain that our relationship was having on me. I was tired of crying every night.

            Although John said we would get together as friends again after the year was up, I knew in the depths of my soul that this break would be permanent. I was so tired of wanting him to love me that I simply agreed and for once I tried to keep an air of dignity by not trying to convince him of how deeply I felt for him.

That night something long festering, seemed to have finally died. I never felt so empty, lonesome, and lonely in my entire life. I had to shut all my emotions down to keep from feeling obliterated by John’s decision to live a life without me in it.

21 August 1970 Friday

Since Karen Gramsted said she would work for me tonight because I didn’t feel like going in, I stayed home and watched TV all evening. I watched the premier of  Age of Aquarius that had Patty Duke and Beau Bridges and the Pacific Gas and Electric Band performing “Are you Ready? It’s kind of a talk show like Johnny Carson only with Kevin Coughlin as the host. Kevin Coughlin was one of the stars of the 1969 film Gay Deceivers about two guys who to avoid the draft pretend they are Gay. He died in an automobile accident in Malibu in 1976 at the age of 30.

25 August 1970

Received my tickets to The Greek Theater today to go see Jose Feliciano and the Edwin Hawkins Singers. I am taking Karen Gramsted on September 9.

Additional Material

The Greek Theatre is a 5,900-seat music venue located at Griffith Park, Los Angeles, California. It was built in 1929.

26 August 1970 Wednesday

It was kind of a bizarre day when Jerry Smith and I went into downtown Anaheim near Anaheim Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue where he said Fred Townsend said there was a magazine store that sold adult magazines without asking for I.D.

We located the store, and it was like a rented-out space with just tables laid out with every kind of hardcore porno displayed. I was kind of embarrassed being in there, but Jerry was like in a candy store. He bought a bunch, no questions asked and then we took off.

However, driving back down Broadway, a cop car was following us. Jerry was so paranoid about being pulled over with the stash of porno in his Volkswagen that he pulled over and he had me jump out with the sack of porn magazine and tossed it into a side walk trash can.

            When the cop car simply passed by us without stopping, we were so relieved that we never went back to retrieve the porno but just went home comforted that we weren’t busted for being caught underage with hardcore porno.

29 August 1970 Saturday

Jerry Smith wanted me to go to the Los Alamitos Race Track. He likes to bet on the horses, but I am not that much into it. However, I needed to get out so I said I would go but found it rather boring.

 

September 1970

The first couple of weeks after John Cunningham broke it off with me, I was living in hell, almost grief stricken without John in my life. I went through withdrawals, where I would drive over to his street late at night, sit in the dark hoping I would get a glimpse of his shadow passing by his bedroom window, and cry. It was a mania. Life had completely lost any color for me, and every day seemed as it was in decay.

Songs that I heard over and over again on the radio which I didn’t especially like were Lookin’ Out My Back Door by Creedence Clearwater Revival, Julie Do Ya Love Me by Bobby Sherman, Candida by Dawn, Cracklin’ Rose by Neil Diamond, I’m Losing You by Rare Earth, I’ll Be There by the Jackson 5, and All Right Now by Free. Snowbird, by Anne Murray, was the only song that touched me in anyway because of how I felt about John Cunningham and I breaking up. “Spread your tiny wings and fly away And take the snow back with you Where it came from on that day The one, I love forever is untrue And if I could you know that I would Fly away with you.

            I had registered for my Sophomore Year at Cypress College, and it was a much easier process than the nightmare registering last year. My sister Donna Pierce had also enrolled at Cypress for the Fall Term as she wanted to get back into school after her divorce from Terry...

I signed up for Physical Anthropology as my biology requirement with Mrs. Bonita Fouste for 4 units. John Cunningham and I had the same lab for the class but a different lecture period. Mine was at 9 in the morning.

That class was followed at 10 by Asian Civilization 19 B with Mr. Alexander McLeod for 3 units. I took that class with my sister Donna. My lab for Anthropology was at noon. These classes were Monday, Wednesday and Friday except for the lab which was only on Mondays and Wednesdays.

On Tuesday and Thursday, I had a History of California 39 class taught by Mr. Reeve who was my favorite teacher, for 3 units. Thomas Varney Reeve II [1934-2016] made more of an impact on my self-esteem and my ability as a collegian than any other teacher I ever had. He was a Mormon born in Los Angeles and he and Terry O’Brien were they only two Mormon instructor that I had at Cypress.

My Health class was at noon for 2 units. It was held in the Bernstein House Health and was required for an Associate Degree. John Cunningham was in my health class too. After that was Volleyball which I took for my PE requirement for ½ a unit. All in all, I was taking 12 and ½ units this semester which was more than enough to keep my draft deferment.  September was hot and hazy as I recall and boring. However, when Ralph Ludders asked me to be his best man at his wedding to Brenda Mahoney I was honored.

11 September 1970 Friday

Ralph Ludders rented an apartment at the brand-new Briarwood Apartments off of Katella and Western in Stanton for him and his finance  Brenda Maloney. He wanted me to come over and spend the night at his new place as kind of a bachelor party for just the two of us. We ordered a large black olive pizza and were drinking cherry vodka for most of the night. He talked about how much he loved Brenda, and I was so melancholy over John Cunningham. Ralph kept trying to convince me that I would find a nice girl to forget about John. We watched TV for much of the night until at one point we were both completely drunk.

            Soon the room was spinning and spinning as I lay on the floor until I got so sick that I crawled to the bathroom and threw up all the pizza and booze I had consumed. I felt deathly ill, and the smell was horrendous. For years I could not even look at a pizza with black olives on it without feeling sick. It was the first and last time I was ever so drunk that I vomited. I learned my lesson well.

12 September 1970 Saturday

On top of that being sick for much of the night we experienced an earthquake which I couldn’t  tell really was happening or if rather it was just a side effect of the spinning room. However, the Lytle Creek earthquake was a 5.2 and struck the area near the Cajon Pass, knocking a San Bernardino radio station off the air, and causing landslides and rock falls. Though ultimately a forgettable event, and certainly overshadowed by the San Fernando Earthquake which followed five months later in February 1971, the Lytle Creek quake did get the attention of much of much of southern California and even caused tall buildings to sway in downtown San Diego.

Today was Ralph Ludders’ wedding day so we then got dressed up to go over to Brenda Maloney’s parents’ house where he and she were married. I stood in as his best man. Ralph’s parents and sisters were also there.

As soon as the ceremony was over, I left because I was still wasted from drinking all night.

13 September1970 Sunday

I heard Timothy Leary escaped from a minimum-security prison near San Luis Obispo where he was serving a 10-year sentence for marijuana possession. He had been arrested in 1968 at the Mystic Art Gallery in Laguna Beach where John and Carol Horan Griggs sold drugs in their hippie days. The newspapers called him the High Priest of LDS. I only met him once when he was across the street at Jean Horan’s house with a bunch of hippies.

18 September 1970 Saturday

Jimi Hendrix died just twenty-seven years old in London, due to alcohol-related complications. He aspirated on his own vomit and died of asphyxia while intoxicated with barbiturates. I am glad I didn’t choke on my own vomit at Ralph Ludders’ bachelor party a week ago.

21 September 1970 Monday

I happened to see Judy Stacy while I was walking across Cypress College’s field track shortly after Ralph and Brenda were married. I went over to say hi. I was really lonely then because John Cunningham and I had split up and Ralph had gotten married. I remembered that Judy used to really dig me, so I thought why not give it another whirl at romance.

            Teen Idol Bobby Sherman had a popular song out called “Julie Do You Love Me” which in my mind I changed to Judy, Judy, Judy Do You Love me?

 Anyway, she said she had moved out of her parent’s house in Chino to Garden Grove into some apartments off of Gilbert and Katella behind the Taco Bell there. I asked her if she would go out with me again and she said she would. I asked if she would like to go to the Los Angeles County Fair in Pomona and she said she’d love to go. So, we made plans.

            On the appointed day I dressed in the sport jacket that I had bought to wear at Ralph’s wedding and bought her some flowers. However, when I went over to her apartment and knocked on the door to pick her up no one answered the door. I thought maybe she had to go out at the last minute, so I went and sat in the car waiting for her to come home. She never came home. I sat there for two hours, before driving off really feeling rejected. John had rejected me and now Judy had stood me up.

            I called Judy the next day but never heard back from her for a couple of days later. She said she had to go up to Chino because her mother had been sick and had forgotten about our date and that she was sorry. She wanted to make it up to me and said we’d go out the following weekend. I said that would be great and we made plans to go out for dinner.

            When the day came for our delayed date, I dressed up again and went over to her apartment. There Judy answered the door in her night gown. She said she didn’t feel like going out but said she wanted to cook dinner for me instead but didn’t have anything prepared. So, I suggested that I’d go to the market and pick us up whatever she wanted to cook. At her suggestion, I picked up a couple of steaks, baking potatoes, makings for a salad, and some wine.

            While fixing dinner, Judy danced around her apartment in her see-through nightgown trying to be wispy like and ethereal I suppose. She said for me to just lie on the couch and get comfortable. Suddenly there was a knock on the door at 8 in the evening when dinner was almost ready.

Judy opened the door still in her nightgown and there was this rugged guy wearing an army surplus jacket and faded blue bell bottom jeans. She acted surprised but invited him in. She introduced him to me as an old friend of hers and wanted to know if it was all right if he stayed for dinner too.

Feeling like it was all contrived and I was a fool, I said “look Judy, this is a probably a mistake. I’m just going to leave, okay?”  She acted disappointed but soon as I left, I heard the clinking of wine glasses and knew they were enjoying the meal I had just spent $20 on. Needless to say, I never saw Judy again after that and I was really cautious about becoming romantically involved with anyone again for a long time. It was obvious to me that I did not know how to play the game. I had lost John and now I lost Judy my feeble attempt at being heterosexual.

26 September 1970 Saturday

Downed power lines during the Santa Ana wind storm, in the Laguna Mountains in San Diego, started a wildfire. It was the third-largest wildfire in the history of California at that time. It burned 382 homes in 275 square miles and killed 16 people. It was one of many wildfires in a massive conflagration that spanned across the state from September 22 to October 4, 1970.

30 September 1970

There was so much unrest on college campuses that Attorney General John Mitchell ordered the Justice Department to send representatives to 51 of the nation’s campus to meet with students.

           

October 1970

I remember the month of October as being hot, hazy, and boring. The air was still smoky from the wildfires to the south of Orange County and the Santa Ana winds made everything hot and dry.

I was adjusting poorly to life without John Cunningham. I was still driving over to his folks’ house on Capri Street near the Orange County Plaza, at night, just to sit in my car to be in proximity of him. My heart just ached from the emptiness of not being with him.

            At the beginning of the month, we were shocked by the news of the death of Janis Joplin on October 4. She died in her Los Angeles hotel room from a heroin overdose. Joplin died exactly sixteen days after Jimi Hendrix did, and both were only twenty-seven years of age.

            Nearly a year after last year’s War Moratorium, Nixon announced that the United States would withdraw 40,000 more troops before Christmas; so, we who were against the war were excited by the news not realizing that later the Pentagon Papers would reveal that the war was never winnable, but we stayed in the war just to save face.

            One of my favorite comic strips, because it was political and relevant to the times, was Garry Trudeau's comic strip Doonesbury that debuted in late October. In San Jose, anti-war protestors hurled eggs and rocks at Nixon’s cavalcade with a rock barely missing him. He later flew down to San Clemente which was the Western White House.

            I campaigned for Jess Unruh who was a Democrat running against Governor Ronald Reagan. He spoke at a rally in Huntington Beach on October 29 that I attended. I remember my Mom standing up for me when we were over at Barb and Frank Welte's place this one time. When Barb was criticizing me for campaigning for Unruh, Mom said that at least I was out doing something I believed in. I was a staunched Democrat from the day one because I hated Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon.

            I think for Halloween Jerry Smith, and I went to a drive-in movie as that Halloween was on a Saturday that year. The Fountain Valley Drive-In had a double feature of The House of Dark Shadows and Kelly’s Heroes.

            I was aware also of the attempt of a group of Gay Liberationist trying to take over the small northern California county of Alpine which only had 400 registered voters. Residents wanted the county annexed to El Dorado County to avoid any takeover by California’s Gay Liberation Front.

            Songs that were popular that I really liked were Green-eyes Lady by Sugarloaf, We’ve Only Just Begun by The Carpenters, Fire and Rain, by James Taylor, Groovy Situation by Gene Chandler, It’s A Shame by The Spinners. Look What They’ve Done to My Song Ma by The New Seekers and Joanne by Michael Nesmith who once was a member of the Monkees.

            The only two movies I remember going to see in October were “The Great White Hope” about a black boxer named Jack Jefferson and “I never sang for my Father” with Gene Hackman in it. Neither film was that memorable to me.

 

November 1970

I was pretty miserable during the month of November still stinging from the break up with John Cunningham. School just did not seem that interesting to me without sharing it with John. I had John in two classes, a health class, and the lab portion of my Anthropology class which E. Bonita Fouste taught. In them he distant himself from me so we never worked as partners.

            Except for the fact that I had to maintain a B average to keep my student deferment I think I would have dropped out.

Songs I was listening too on the radio were I think I Love You by the Partridge Family, The Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles,  Gypsy Woman by Brian Hyland, Montego Bay by Bobby Bloom, El Condor Pasa by Simon and Garfunkel and Our House by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

            When I first heard El Condor Paso on the radio it stunned me because last winter John Cunningham had played it on his stereo while we had once been visiting in his bedroom. He said how much he enjoyed the lyrics. I had never heard the song since then,  until now and it panged my heart each time, I heard it because it reminded me so much of the times we had spent together.

            The Vietnam War had begun to deescalate in November when for the first time in 5 years an entire week ended with no reports of combat fatalities and at the same time 

Lieutenant William Calley went on trial for his participation the My Lai massacre of Vietnamese women and children.

3 November 1970 Tuesday

For one of the class assignments in Anthropology, we took a field trip to the San Diego Zoo to study the primates and take notes. I sat and studied this big orange Orangutan.

 It was difficult being on the bus with John and being in San Diego with him. Everything reminded me of the previous year when we spent so much time together exploring San Diego together. However once there John mellowed out and we studied together, and it was the last time that John and I really had fun being together like old times. I wonder if he misses me at all.

16 November 1970 Monday

            I joined the Garden Grove Historical Society for a paper I had to do in my History of California Class project that Mr. Reeve required. Ralph Ludders and I both took the class together so being with him was a consolation for my loneliness.

I decided to do my research paper on the history of the old Magnolia Street Cemetery across the street from Hare Junior High on Magnolia where I went to immediate school. I began to look up the oldest tombstones from the 1880’s and research the pioneer families buried there. I eventually discovered that it was established as a cemetery for the community of Westminster because over there the water table was too high and prevented coffins from being buried so they created a cemetery 3 miles away near Magnolia and Chapman.

19 November 1970

I received a letter from Don Dobmeier of the Garden Grove Historical Society that was dated from this date. “13132 Pleasant Street, Garden Grove, Calif. Dear Ed, By this time, I presume you have been contacted by our member Dick Elliott, about some of his relatives and Magnolia Cemetery. If not, let me know. He had information about a 1874 burial there. Also, some aged relatives who might have some oral history to impart to you.

Besides showing off my new stationary, I’m writing  to further express my interest in your project particularly and your Class’s in general. For a J. C. student to research local history is one thing but to become an authority on some un-researched fact of O.C. history,  as you say the assignment is- this is something. Two little is being published now- a few notable items; Esther Cramer’s La Habra (excellent) Ed Miller’s “Slice of Orange” (Not too good) and few others.

26 November 1970 Thursday

            I don’t remember Thanksgiving 1970 at all, but I am sure Mom fixed a big Turkey Dinner. My older sister Donna Pierce was living at home as was I and my oldest sister Charline Wachs was now married to Dennis Wachs who became the stepfather of my nephew James Clark

30 November 1970

I received another letter from Don Dobmeier  written on this date.  He wrote “Dear  Ed, Very pleased to hear from you and your friend’s applications are being processed and you should receive membership cards fairly soon. In the meantime, I’ve sent (represented for this) this month’s Newsletter is the “special” which I mentioned to you.

Where did you find the copy of “Santa Ana Valley” by Mrs. Hill. It is a reference in Doig’s “village” and if it has not been reprinted should be a good candidate W’s “History of So. Calif” I  m aware of and have a copy (reprint) of their “Los Angeles Co. 1880”  Wait I re-read you to mean you are looking for theses , Right?  They are scarce.  T o W’s “So. Calif” should ne available but the “S.A.V.” is rare. If you’d like to look through my copy of L.A. Co” you may – the local ref. lib doesn’t have it- but does other So. Cal info- Lewis Guinn and  Century edition (the Guinn is mostly biographical) UCI and CSCF  both have local hist. collections- our special collections librarian- at CSCF see Linda Herman or Kay Heil.

The Hitchcock case I am aware of but you are proving to be the “authority” on the Magnolia Cem. I am totally unaware  of who is buried there. There was an article in the S.A. Register  Jan 13, 1969 which gave mention  of the case and some other information. I have a copy, or you can look through their morgue.

 Have you contacted the Genealogical Soc. Yet?  Dick Elliott is also a member of it. I’ll have him call you this week of possible- Back issues of their quarterly are at the Gen. main lib. Bower Museum might have some info.

How are you coming with amassing info? How extensive will your report be- I ask in anticipation of publication-we’ll probably put out an item approx. the size of  the “researching Local Hist.”  Pamphlet  souldn’t be too large and this size is pretty well standard. Pictures?  Right now I’m not writing anything- Christmas cards pretty soon- We are starting a new series in Janary “Historic Landmarks  of G.G.” it will begin with the Folsom-Mills House – a 1920 structure at Main  & Stanford (Mrs. Farris place). It us the first item because it’s the one we have written. Hope to do more of the ommunity Centre building first (in connection with the Redevelipment  Project.)  but will accept other items. If you or one of your  classmates  would like to write a 400-700 would piece on a local landmark plus photo of same we’d certainly  find a future  issue or it. You might condense some of your info on the cem. Add an old phot and we’’ print that as a preliminary item. Or if you have an old farm house, Church, or what ever, research it get an old photo  and that will do. We do limit you to Garden Grove even though much is available  on many other areas.

The Whitaker-Jayne House in Buena Park will be open the first Sunday of each month  beginning in December. It’s an 1887 (?) house at Whitaker and Manchester, I was at the dedication sometime ago and found it “better” than anything available in the ‘80’s. But do go see it if possible. We plan a similar type museum for the Stanley House- whether we can us the upper floor is yet unknown but it is a bigger place than W.J. and should offer good potential- More so because of furnishings. The W.J. place was paid  for by the city though- something we shy away from- 100,000 dollars so far on the place (including acquisition), we need 20,000 dollars to get started and have the land.

Do try to get to the O.C.H.S. meet. not only for G.G. but for Dr. Shumway’s lecture. We haven’t exactly spelled out what we’ll do but have a week to plan. Don Dobmeier.”

           

December 1970

In December I had quit Leo Waldman’s Taco Bell and went to work at a Convenient Store in Rossmoor, but I hated the work and my boss. I didn’t like having to work alone as I was feeling pretty lonely anyway. I only worked a couple of weeks there before going back and asking for my old job back from Leo who did not hesitate to hire me back. I was glad to be back with my cousin Larry Fagen, Karen Gramsted, and her younger brother Jim. I think I only had quit because my life was so unanchored without John Cunningham.

            I started to date Ralph Ludders’ younger sister Pam during the month. I liked her and she was really sweet but emotionally I was unavailable. She did teach me how to French kiss however which I had never done before. I thought it was gross. She was still in high school and fun and actually was a little more experienced than I was. We went on a double date with Ralph and Brenda Maloney to see “On A Clear Day You Can See Forever” featuring Barbara Streisand about reincarnation. It still is one of my favorite movies.

I cannot remember what I did for Christmas but over Christmas Vacation Grandma and Grandpa Johnson came out from Texas to spend the holidays with us in Garden Grove. I am sure we also spent Christmas Eve with my Grandparent Williams and that side of the family.

My ’63 Ford Galaxy was having trouble again. The starter went out on it and rather than deal with it I bought myself a 10-speed bike that I began riding to school which was a trip of about 4.5 miles one way. I’d ride down Katella to Holder which had less traffic and entered campus from there. After classes I would ride over to Taco Bell that was just a mile away and then back down Western to Katella to come home. It only took about a half hour to ride back home.

The popular songs in December were “One Less Bell to Answer” by the 5th Dimension “No Matter What” by Badfinger, “Share the Land” by The Guess Who, “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison, “Black Magic Woman” by Santana, “Does Anyone Really Know what Time It is?” by Chicago, “Knock Three Times” by Dawn and “Stoned Love” by the Supremes.

George Harrison’s song “My Sweet Lord” reawakened a part of my spirituality that had gone dormant when I was all consumed with John Cunningham. I knew that my feelings for John were “abnormal” according to society’s attitudes and that homosexuality I believed was a grave sin, so I began to transfer the devotion I felt for John to the adoration of another male figure, Jesus Christ who would love me unconditionally, so I thought.

I have no idea what I did for New Year Eve. Much of my life was clouded by a depression.

The North Tower of the World Trade Center at 1,368 feet made it the tallest building in the world at the time.