OCTOBER
1 October 2024 Tuesday
Well
it’s getting into the final quarter of the year. October is my favorite month,
not too hot and not too cold. Even as old as I am, Halloween will always be my
favorite Holiday...Thanksgiving is too much work, Christmas is aways
disappointing, and Easter is mostly ignored.
I was on the phone for much of the
morning trying to reactive my United Health Care card because Mike told me that
they allow you $40 a month on health care products and I thought that Yolanda
could use it to buy products for Chuito.
My Samsung tablet is dead. I went to Best Buy after bringing Kyle his
lunch, to check with the Geek Squad there. One of the issues of getting old is
that technology changes faster than you can keep up with. My Samsung Tablet bit
the dust. The gal, who was sporting a
rainbow label pin, cleaned the charging port but said the mother board was corrupted.
In fact the Geek Squad at Best Buy said they don't repair Samsung Tablets
anymore. So there’s no way
to recover any of my pictures. Oh well.
I've had the tablet for about ten years
because that is what old people do. We hang on to things that others discard
for something newer. All I want is a tablet
on which I can check email, Facebook and google search while I am in bed. That's
all, so don't know whether I really need a new one or not but I liked having one with a screen bigger than
just using a phone screen. Oh well... Nothing last forever. It could be worse I
could live in Hurricane States.
Anyway after that I went to Winco
specifically to buy grape jello for Adrian but they didn’t have any so I bought
a few other flavors and then went to check out. They don’t have self-checkout stations
so I had to stand in a checkout line behind two people with cart loads, taking
their sweet time visiting with the check-out person, so before I could get
through I was in line for at least 10 to 15 minutes for just a couple of items
I really didn’t need. Remind me not to go back to Winco.
I am a masochist because I started watching
the vice president debate tonight and I was really pissed at people who said
they are still undecided. Not choosing a Felon and liar who wants to be a dictator seems to be too
difficult for them.
So I tried, I really tried but just couldn’t
stand to watch Vance’s revisionist view of Trumps Presidency but even more sad
is that half of Americans will believe everything out of his lying mouth. He wouldn’t answer if he thought the 2020
election was stolen.
The debate moderated did clarify JD
Vance’s lie saying, “Just to Clarify, Springfield’s Haitian migrants have legal
status.” And he replied, “The rules were you guys weren’t too fact check!” Republicans
hate getting caught in their lies and then whine about it being unfair.”
This evening while eating some
popcorn another tooth broke off in my mouth. Like the other one it didn’t hurt
and the nerve must have been dead. So I am falling apart in stages.
Iran sent 100’s of missiles into
Israel in retaliation for the Israelis killing Hamas and Hezbollah’s top
leaders. So the world is on fire while America is flooding.
The destruction in North Carolina,
Georgia and Florida is massive. I don't want to appear to have epicaricacy at
the destruction caused in the old Confederacy
by Hurricane Helene but can't help but having a little Schadenfreude for
trump country.
If I was a vindictive Fundamental right
wing Christian I would blame the swath of destruction on the South due to God's
vengeance for their support for the orange anti-Christ felon and their hateful
attitude towards immigrants but I am not that stupid.
However voting for decades for those
denying climate change and for someone who pulled out of the Paris Climate
Agreement to support the Petroleum Industry does have terrible consequences.
The South needs to realize that they
aren't going to see Billionaire Capitalists stepping up to restore anything
even with all their tax breaks, but you
will see Socialism stepping in to help the QAnon antigovernment morons "Go Brandon"
cretins restore their trailers. You also won't see the NRA crowd sourcing any
help either or Mega Churches doing anything but thoughts and prayers.
It will be all "Go Fund" sites
and Blue States picking up the pieces like they do every time.
Today is Jimmy Carter’s 100th
birthday. I am proud I always voted for him.
Adrian
missed the appointment time for Yolanda and Chuito to go to ICE for a check in
so Kyle will have to do it tomorrow. He’s not feeling well, kind of feverish. I
made him some soup this evening.
Kyle was too busy to leave Papi’s
today so after bringing him his lunch I went back home. I worked on the Romero
genealogy and used the Read Aloud speech feature for me to make corrections.
That was really handy.
I put some fall decorations out but that
was about all I did for the day.
I have been watching posts people have
made of the destruction of whole towns in western North Carolina...what a
tragedy for those folks whose lives were impacted by the catastrophe... it will
be years before they can completely recover if ever with roads and bridges washed away, water and
power gone...
You expect people living on the Gulf to
take the risks of hurricanes but not hundreds of miles inland.
Liberal or conservative, they are
Americans and I am glad the Federal
government is jumping to assist the state's affected by Hurricane Helene.
Don't worry flood ravaged Red States,
democratic socialism is on the way to bail you out while corporations wait to
see what the profit margins are.
Already they are bemoaning the damaged
mines of Spruce Pines "disrupting
the global supply chain for microchips and solar panels" rather than
dealing with the human tragedy of people losing their homes and lives.
I
cooked a pot roast for Kyle’s lunch and Adrian and Yolanda helped me string
lights and put up Halloween decorations. The disaster in western north Carolina
is all I have been watching.
I was up at 4:30 to
fix Adrian his breakfast only to learn that he stayed home downstairs with Kyle
because he was not feeling well.
Kyle had be just bring him his lunch
to Bewilder where he was there to pay the gals there so I didn’t go to Papi’s.
I did do a bit of shopping at Glendale Smith’s to get some dog treats and then
I stopped at Deseret Industries just to browse. I am glad I did because I found
a ceramic Jacko lantern just like the one stolen from me years and years ago.
Now I have a set again. I so bought a large skillet that was like brand new for
Yolanda because she likes her big skillets when she cooks up lunches for the week
for Adrian. I saw that she made lasagna
for Adrian who was in bed much of the day not feeling well.
When Kyle came home he wanted me to
go with him to buy a mop and bucket for Papis so we went to Sutherland. At the
house he said he had burned his ankle when he spilt some acid on it and it hurt
like hell. I thought he should go to urgency care but instead just took some
Neosporin I had for it.
Hopefully by Sunday we might hear
something about when the boys would be released and flown to Salt Lake.
The scenes from Appalachia are
devastating but the comments made by some that they are doing for themselves
because FEMA isn’t helping is infuriating. And the lies that Trump is saying is
nauseating and really psycho but his MAGA cult is just lapping up the Kool-Aid.
I
am already seeing posts from morons like Marjorie Taylor Greene that the fact
that only red states were damaged by Hurricane Helene is because it was a
Democrat plot to hurt the Donald. She claimed that the weather can be
controlled. Unbelievable the amount of crap MEGA morons will believe. What is
sad is that although millions of Americans will vote more for Harris than
Trump, but about 100,000 conservatives
in battle ground states could make Trump president again and you know that
fucker will die in office and Vance would become President then.
It
was a very warm day today. Kyle was able to stay home for most of the day. This
afternoon the neighbors behind the Bahena’s were having a big party with a live
Mexican trio of guitar players and singers that could be heard all through the
neighborhood. I made some onion soup
today while yesterday I made lima bean soup.
Monday:
Trump falsely claims Biden hasn’t answered calls from Georgia’s governor
Monday:
Trump cites baseless ‘reports’ about anti-Republican bias in the North Carolina
response
Thursday:
Trump falsely claims the Biden-Harris response had received ‘universally’
negative reviews
Thursday:
Trump falsely claims Harris spent ‘all her FEMA money’ on housing illegal
migrants Friday: Trump
falsely claims $1 billion was ‘stolen’ from FEMA for migrants and has gone
‘missing’
Saturday:
Trump falsely claims the federal government is only giving $750 to people who
lost their homes
I was woken from a
dream as the phone alarm went off at 4:30. Crawled out of bed to fix Adrian his
breakfast but then stayed up instead of going back to sleep. I cleaned the lazy
Susan below the cabinet corner that hadn’t been cleaned in years, scrubbing it
and trying to get any of the mice droppings that had accumulated over time.
Then I just worked on my computer
until Kyle was up and wanted a waffle. After eating we went down to Best Buy to
pick out a new Samsung Tablet for me. That was about $250 then we went running
around for produce and buns for Bewilder. When we got there after 11:30 the
gals said no one had come in to open the front of the house so Kyle called
Amanda the manager and Cody to let them know.
Mike Romero than called and said he
needed a ride to Best Buy in Farmington because his truck wouldn’t start. So
Kyle and I drove him up there to pick up a Roku gizmo and he will have his
trucked towed to Papi’s where Luis Negron will work on what Mike thinks is the
fuel pump.
Back at the house Kyle set up my new
tablet for me. It will be getting used to the new technology. All my old
pictures on the one that died are gone. Oh well.
I guess Adrian is upset with his
sister Johana who thinks he should get back together with Kyle and that Adrian
is just using him. Kyle said he doesn’t want to get back with Adrian as a lover
or husband and I didn’t say that Adrian has told me the same thing. I did tell
Kyle that we are Family and as long as we take care of each other nothing else
matters.
When Adrian came home he and Kyle
had a long talk and I went and took a nap. I have no idea what they discussed
as it really isn’t my business.
Yolanda and Chuito were gone all
day, I suppose they went with Johana and Jesus to church and somewhere else as
they didn’t come home until after I went to bed. I left Adrian kind of alone as
he was moody so I gave him some space. I just let him know I love him as we all
need to know even when moody.
Today is my cousin Kay Johnson
Campbell’s birthday. I think she turned 70 today.
We
had good news this morning. Johana's boys will arrive in SLC tomorrow after
having been released from immigration detention in Texas. The 17 year old Gabriel
and 8 year old Brian were held for 2
weeks but will be united with their mom and grandma tomorrow. So for a while,
the boys will live here with me until Johana and Jesus can find a bigger
apartment. If Trump wins and does a mass
deportation you better believe I will be doing an Anne Frank and hiding them
from the MAGA Gestapo
I was tired when I got up at 4:30 to
fix Adrian his breakfast so afterwards I did go back to bed to try and sleep
some more. Jesus came over to take Yolanda and Chuito to Bewilder where she
works with Johanna during the day.
When I went to Papi’s to bring him
lunch, he wasn’t there but he was at Bewilder. I saw that Mike Romero’s truck
was down there so it must have been towed there this morning. Luis is
going to work on it.
At Bewilder Kyle and Jesus were
removing all the coke dispensers from the old Bismarck shack now that he’s
given that up. I rode with him in the U-Haul taking it all back to Papi’s. We
then went and got some items for the kitchen and I hugged Johana because I know
she is so happy having her boys coming here.
Back at the house Luisana brought a
bunch of helium filled balloons to the house because tomorrow is Jesus’
birthday and we are also going to celebrate 8 year old Brian’s birthday also which
was the 30th.
So that was the most excitement for
the day here. I didn’t see Adrian at all today since breakfast and no one else
much as I was in bed by 9 myself.
I guess Hurricane Milton is
barreling towards Tampa Florida as a category 5. They say it exploded from a
category 1 to a 5 in just 24 hours and will be as bad as Helene or worse.
My two cents... I know a lot of good
people are hurting right now in the South but the focus on those using the
disaster to attack Biden and Harris infuriates me.
Ever notice that when disasters impact
Red States, Republicans scream the loudest that the federal government is not
doing enough and yet when there's a massacre of people by weapons of mass
destruction the Republicans only send
"thoughts and prayers?"
Mike Johnson is slamming Biden's federal
response to Hurricane Helene when he and his own party refused requests for
additional funding because of pandering to Red State climate deniers.
The lies from MAGA Crazies never cease,
saying there's been no real help from the government or FEMA because the area
affected is Trump country.
One minute these fiercely
"independent" mountain folks are saying they are having to do
everything for themselves and then posting that the "govmint" ain't
doing enough.
Everyone is a Socialist when it benefits
only them.
Today is the 1st anniversary
of Hamas attack on Israel killing 1200 innocent people and Israel as retaliated
killing over 40,000 people in Gaza. Religious Fanaticism has made it clear
there will never be peace in the Middle East without a Two State Solution.
Religious Extremists are fueling terrorists.
So many people have died because a few
Hamas maniacs thought it a good idea to murder and kidnaps 1000s. But Israel needs to stop. They have had their
pound of flesh... now they are becoming what they are fighting, killers of
innocents. Time to get a peace accord
for Palestine.
8 October 2024 Tuesday
Today
was Adrians day off but I was up by 6 anyway. We were all excited that the boys
were arriving today from Houston. Kyle stayed home from Papi’s today so he
could take Johana Pereira and Adrian to the airport to pick up the boys. I saw
a video Kyle took of Brian running to hug his mama. They had been separated for
over six months. They arrived at the
house around 1:15 about the time I had to go take Michael Romero to Bountiful
to sign off on the HELOC at America First.
I was able to see the happy reunion
with Grandma and both the boys hugged me. That was sweet of them. Gabriel is 17
and Brayan just turned 8 a week ago on September 30. So I had to leave almost
immediately to pick up Mike for his 2 o’clock appointment. He thought it would
take much longer but he just had to sign some papers and he was out in 10
minutes. He asked if I would take him to Smith’s in Woods Cross to pick up his
grocery delivery at 3. But because we were done so early I just went home for a
bit. The whole gang was gone to a celebratory lunch. Mike asked why I didn’t go
and I said I would have just been sitting there while they all spoke Spanish so
I thought it was good for all of them to reconnect after all they went through
to get here.
So later I went back over Mike’s to take
him to Smith. All the streets around here are being worked on, with 7th North down to
one lane and 5th West and 3rd North completely closed. It’s
like a maze to get around. I was down on empty so I stopped at Rose Park
Smith’s to fill up. I hadn’t been there since they screwed me out of $20 that
one time. Anyway Gas was still $3.54 and I was pleasantly surprised that I had
a 70 cent a gallon discount I suppose from all the shopping I had been doing
there for Bewilder, so I only paid about $2.85 cents.
Anyway back at the house, the whole
crew was over except Luisana who had to work so Johana Pereira could have the
day off, and Luis Negron who was still at Papi’s. It didn’t take Brayan long to discover the
hot tub that was set at warm not hot and he was having a blast. It warmed my
heart to see Yolanda with all her family here at the house.
The family is celebrating both Brayan’s
belated birthday and Jesus Pereira’s
whose birthday is actually today. I didn’t get much of a rest as it was a very
busy day and happy day for the Villalobos. My house is filled with music,
laughter, and love. Brayan’s birthday was September 30 and Gabriel’s is May 2nd.
At one point this evening sitting
with Kyle, he remarked that from hearing a report on how difficult it is
becoming for Venezuelan immigrants he said that we did more than most to help
our tiny group. He smirked and said we were doing our Christian duty. Little
does he know that I believed you can’t save the world but you can help them
placed in front of you. I said even though the house is overflowing right now,
I used to live in the house all alone and now it’s useful again.
I also said that he was the
Patriarch now and how lucky we are as Gay men to have a real intergeneration
family when so many Gay men grow old and alone.
Anyway we had to wait for Luisana to
get off work and Jesus who didn’t get here until 11:30 and I was doing my best
to stay up with TJ and Taco snuggled on my lap. Even though I didn’t understand
much what was being said, I knew everyone was happy and the room was filled
with laughter.
Finally when Jesus arrived we
toasted with champagne and cut two cakes. The one for Brayan was 3 layers with
a Soccer theme motif and Jesus had the Boston cream cake Kyle bought a while
back.
It was near midnight or after that I
finally retired from the fiesta.
I guess Florida is a real mess right
now with hundreds of thousands heading to higher ground and many cars on the
side of the road that had ran out of gas.
9 October 2024 Wednesday
I posted a video from yesterday when the
boys met their mom at the airport after being released from immigration
detention and flown from Texas. They had been held up for 2 weeks separated
from Kyle who had gone to Bogota to bring Adrian's mom, invalid brother, and
his 2 nephews to live with us. Adrian's sister their mom and her husband came 6
months ago and left the 2 boys with their grandma so they could get a better
life here.
It was a maze of bureaucratic red tape
due to immigration policies but thank God Kyle speaks Spanish to push through
it.
A year ago Adrian's other sister and her
3 kids lived with us until they could
get situated...
So
now because of Adrian we have a family of his mother, his invalid brother, his
two sisters and brothers in law, and 3 nephews, and two nieces all living the American dream...all are
working and making America still a land of opportunity.
Last night we had a celebration of 2
birthdays with lots of Latino music, laughter and love. I managed to stay up
with TJ, Taco, and Maxx on my lap and listened to and not understanding a
single word but I did understand the love that filled my house in my old age. For
that I am truly grateful.
Today was Adrians day off so I didn’t
have to fix his breakfast but I was up at 6 anyway. I guess Jesus and Johana
spent the night here as there was a house full when I started stirring. At 8
Kyle took Johana, Brian, and me down to North Star elementary to register him.
He will start tomorrow in second grade.
Kyle then went off to work and I just
stayed up, fixed some breakfast and walked the pups. I went down to Papi’s to
bring drinks for Luis and Gabriel who started today. Kyle had to go to Ogden to
get some car washing chemicals.
In
the afternoon I took a long nap from 1
until 4:30, I suppose from being up so late last night. Then I fed the pups and
when Adrian came home he gave me a beard and hair cut with the trimmers I had
bought the other day at Wal Mart.
We were out of ice and juice for
Adrian’s breakfast tomorrow so I had to run to store to get some. Then I pretty
well went back to bed because tomorrow I
will be up again at 4:30.
All that is in the news is hurricane
Milton barreling down on Florida which took precedents over revelations that
Trump as a private citizen was taking calls from Vladimir Putin.
10 October 2024 Thursday
Well it was the first day of school
for Brian Fernandez y Villalobos and we all went with him as the office showed
him around the school and introduced him to his 2nd grade teacher
Mr. Lloyd who is fluent in Spanish so Brian will fit right in. I was up at
4:30 to fix breakfast for Adrian and I
just stayed up until we all left and actually afterwards as I went to bring
Kyle his lunch and drinks for Luis and Gabriel at 11.
At 12 “Grandpa” walked to North Star
elementary to retrieve Brian on his first day of 2nd grade as it was early out this week for
parent teacher’s conferences. Parent teachers conferences seemed really early
since ours were always in November after the first term. Really impressed with his teacher as he
walked Brian out after school let out to find me and he came a running. I can’t even ask how Brian about his first
day was because I don't speak Spanish so I just smiled and nodded a lot.
Leaving I made a wrong turn crossing the
street and we ended taking the long way home down Independents Street . Instead
of 8 minutes it was 12 but it was okay because we saw a lot of spooky yard
stuff. I looked at a map when I got home and saw that I went right, when I
should have went left LOL as I was crossing with a bunch of parents and kids.
Oh well it was a warm beautiful autumn
day.
When Adrian came home from work I could
see that he was really upset about something and we went into my room to talk
and he began crying. He is heartsick because he wants to be with Juan Pablo his
first love since Kyle doesn’t give him the affection he needs, just sex. Adrian
isn’t in love with Kyle anymore after breaking his heart last year. However
Adrian knows that his family does not like Juan Pablo and wants Adrian to get
back together with Kyle. He is torn between his family who basically said they
would disown him if he got back with Juan Pablo and Adrian’s deep romantic love
for his first lover, Juan Pablo who has been wanting to get back with Adrian.
So I just let him cry in my arms. I know how painful a first love can be. Oh
what would it be not to have drama as a Gay man.
This morning I baked a whole chicken and
Yolanda made some spaghetti for dinner. When Kyle came home he stayed upstairs
and was fawning over Adrian and I could tell Adrian was conflicted.
Utah First Credit Union left a message
wanting how to resolve a deficit in my Checking so the vehicles don’t get
repossessed. I sent the email off to Kyle to have him deal with it. Always
something isn’t it.
Republican morons are claiming All
powerful democrats are controlling the weather by Jewish laser satellites while
Gays are causing earthquakes..
Thank you President Biden Inflation
falls to 2.4%, lowest in three years
11 October 2024 Friday
Today
is National Coming Out day and when I posted this on Andy Dalrymple’s Gay Forum Site “Coming Out Day was created in
1988 to commemorate the historic 1987 March on Washington to protest the
Supreme Court’s ruling that the Constitution did not guarantee the right to
privacy after the police arrested a Gay man in his own home having sex with
another consenting adult”, Facebook told me to delete it as it “hate speech” bullying
and went against their community standards. They wouldn’t even let me contest it.
Up at 4:30 to fix breakfast for
Adrian and I stayed up thinking I would be walking Brian Fernandez y Villalobos
to school, but actually Johana and Jesus was over to take him. So I guess that
will be the routine, they take him to school and I pick him up to bring him
home.
I made Lulubelle go on a walk with
the other pups because she has been so listless and not active at all. She’s
been trembling a lot and barely eats.
I deboned the chicken I cooked
yesterday and made chicken soup out of the bones and leftover meat. Then I went
to Papi’s to deliver drinks but not lunch for Kyle as he still had his chili
rellenos left over from yesterday. He did want me to go with him to get our Dr.
Peppers and then to Costco where he bought candy to hand out for Halloween.
Then I rushed home and walked up to
North Star to pick up Brian and we walked home this time the right way. LOL
I was tired but Brian asked if he
could use the Jacuzzi as he calls it, so I filled it with more water and added
some chemicals to keep the water clean.
Then I sat outside to watch him and
it was really warm today at least 85 degrees and soon Yolanda joined us. It was
pleasant outside but didn’t really get a nap.
When I finally did lay down around 4:30, Brian woke me up, wanting a
treat so I gave him a couple of taffies and had him go walk the pups with me. I
think he’s a bit too young to understand that it’s okay to stop and for the
dogs sniff everything.
Then around 6 Kyle called and asked
if I would go to Bewilder and help out washing dishes as Luisana was not
feeling well and it was only Milagros and Maria there tonight. So I did and
helped out but it was rather slow so after getting caught up with the dishes,
Kyle showed up with dome supplies and he could see I was almost falling asleep
so he said it was fine if I went home. He left also.
At the house, Adrian came home
around 7:30 and I asked if he was feeling better and he was but I think he was
still confused about his love life. Checking my messages, Jeff Freedman is in town
and wanted to meet up with me for coffee. What for I have no idea as we were
never particularly close when he lived here. I said I’d meet him tomorrow at
Mestizo coffee house on North Temple.
I also saw a message from Utah First
saying they were going to close my account tomorrow if the outstanding checking
balance was not paid tomorrow and repossess the vehicles. I showed it to Kyle
and he just wrote them back that he would take care of it on Monday but I will
just pay off the $3500 balance tomorrow. Ugh.
12 October 2024 Saturday
When
I got up this morning a little after 4, I saw that both Gabriel and Brian were
watching sports on television while I fixed Adrian his breakfast. After Gabriel was back to sleep, I could tell
that Brian was on his phone playing games.
Since Monday is Columbus Day and banks
will be closed I went to America First and withdrew $3500 then went to Utah
First Credit Union to pay off the Checking Account Balance. At America First in
Bountiful they totally remodel the interior since the last time was in there a
few months ago.
Then I went to Papi’s to bring Kyle some
lunch before going to Mestizo Coffee to
meet up with Jeff Freedman at 11. We visited all after noon until 1:30 about
the old community. Jeff Freedman is now from Pittsburgh and stopped in Salt
Lake on his way to Las Vegas. He started almost all the social groups back in
the 90s like the softball league, and bowling league! As well as started the
Barony of Northern Utah when he was Emperor and was cohost on Concerning Gays
and Lesbians when I left the show. We commiserated that we are just seen as two
old white Gay guys now, even though he is heavily involved with the Pride
Parade in Pittsburg and has started a magazine called the Qburgh for back
there.
At the house Tutu was over for much of
the day after working with her family cleaning the U of U vans this morning.
Both Gabriel and Brian were in the “jacuzzi” while I tried to take a nap.
This evening I barely saw Adrian at all
and only Kyle when he told me he was taking Yolanda to see Funny Girl at the
Eccles theater with the tickets Jim Dabakis sent me.
I spent some time this evening going
through my old Facebook page from that has the Gay Historical Material on it to
save and repost to the Lecture series one.
13 October 2024 Sunday
I
spent much of the day going through my old Utah Stonewall Historical Society
Page and copying relevant items to the Utah Stonewall Historical Society
Lecture series page. Taking a break from the Romeros.
I did call Mike to see if he needed
anything and he said he was fine but on Tuesday he will need some help picking
up groceries. I also called Jim McMullin because I hadn’t heard from him and TJ
in some time. We just visited a bit and
got caught up since we last visited.
Kyle took Yolanda to the Eccles
Theater to see Funny Girl, and Johanna came over to take the rest of the crew
to church so I had the house to myself for much of the afternoon.
I refilled the hot tub and decided
to clean the pool which hadn’t been done in months. It was really warm today so
I climbed in and started skimming the bugs, leaves and other stuff that had
accumulated. There’s these little swimming bugs that were very elusive and I
have no idea what they are but they were at least a hundred that I scooped out.
I think they are called Boatman skimmers that don’t bite and live on Algae.
Then Carlos Bahena came over to show
me where Adrian had backed into their new retaining wall that needs to be
repaired. I felt so bad about it so that’s another expense. When Kyle and
Adrian came home I told them about what happened which Kyle already knew about
but hadn’t bothered to talk to me or Carlos about it.
I was tired from being out in the
sun in the pool for about 2 hours so I went to bed by 8.
14 October 2024 Monday
Well
it’s a Monday routine again. Up at 4:30 fixing breakfast, Adrian goes off to work.
Brian goes off to school, Gabriel goes off to work, Jesus takes Yolanda and
Chito off to Bewilder. Then I bring Kyle his lunch. I also went grocery shopping
to get some treats for after school for Brian and at 2:30 I walked over to
North Star to pick up Brian where the school was handing out two bags filled
with potatoes and canned goods. Guess what old man had to lug it all home in 85
degree heat I had just gone grocery
shopping and bought 10 lbs. of potatoes prior so we are stocked now.
Adrian came home around 2:15 and was
off to the gym. Jesus came by and took Brian down to Papi’s although I said I
had no probable babysitting if he wanted to stay and watch TV. So I was home alone for most of the rest of
the afternoon.
The leaves are just now starting to
change colors as it had been so warm. I am parking out in the drive way so
Adrian can use the garage. It won’t be long before its frosty again in the
morning. Today was Columbus or Indigenous day so banks are closed and no mail.
My car insurance agent called and I
switched from Horace Mann to Progressive. The renewal is up on 11/08/24 and Horace
Mann was renewing at $4939.20 for the year.
My agent can get my insurance with Progressive for $1401 for 6 months.
This will save you $2137 per year. I had to pay $278.20 down and 5 payments of
$224.56.
15 October 2024 Tuesday
I
can tell I am getting into a mood of depression as I am starting feel like a
ghost in my own home as life goes on around me without me in it. I stayed in my
room this morning while everyone was stirring, getting the boys off to school
and work.
When I did get up myself, Adrian was
lounging about and coming from downstairs he said to me he felt like a prisoner
because Kyle asked him to sleep with him last night. It kind of pissed me off
because I said there are worse things than sharing a bed with Kyle, and I
thought how ungrateful Adrian is being after all Kyle has done for him and his
family and the stress Kyle has gone through for him, that if Kyle can relieve
some stress by fucking him, he should just shut up about feeling like a
“prisoner”.
I went down to Papis to bring Kyle
his lunch of roast beef but he was gone to Ogden to get more chemicals for the
car wash so I left after getting Luis and Gabriel their drinks. I stopped at
Smith’s on the way home to buy Mike Romero a gallon of Milk and Chocolate milk
because he said that was about the only thing he was running out of. I also
bought a gallon of Sunny D orange drink for Brian since he really like it when
I bought some the other day. It’s better for him than just drinking cokes all
the time.
While at Mike’s I showed him how to
cook some chicken thighs as he had never cooked them before as I had always
down it for him before and he had only cooked chicken breasts before. I
couldn’t stay long because I wanted to get home so I could pick up Brian from
school.
Kyle said Yolanda had to go in to
Bewilder for Maria today because she had to take her son to the doctors so
after walking Brian home, Jesus came and picked him up to take him to Papi’s
although I said I didn’t mind babysitting him while Yolanda was away.
So as that Adrian and I were alone,
I wanted to go lay down with him but he was on the phone talking and I could
tell he was not interested. I think that started my spiral down as after he
left to go to the gym without saying goodbye to me.
Instead of staying home and moping,
I drove into Salt Lake and went to the Genealogy library to look up some New
Mexico records. I hadn’t been there in probably over 4 years or more. I noticed
they changed the name on the building to Family Search and not LDS anything
anymore since that old codger Russell decreed nothing could be called Mormon or
LDS any more. Same thing with LDS College when it was changed to Ensign
College.
Anyway I stayed until 6:30 and they
only thing I really found was Esquibel’s account of the Romero Family that was
never on line. It had a long dissertation on Diego Romero but didn’t make any
connection with him and Salvador and Ynez Romero except to imply he had a
mistress.
It was almost dark by the time I came home but took the pups from their
second walk before feeding them their supper and stayed in my room for the rest
of the night and went to bed by 8:30.
16 October 2024 Wednesday
I
slept well but woke up at 4:40 this morning and couldn’t really go back to
sleep. I was brooding over how neglected I was feeling by Adrian. I mean I am
kind of use to it by Kyle but not Adrian. Just feeling old and worn out. Then I
felt like I was coming down with a cold. I guess it was a good thing that I had
my Covid booster and flu shots about a week ago. Little Brian Fernandez y Villalobos has
tested for Covid probably from all the time he was in detention in Texas
and airplane flights. I guess the rest
have been exposed and have tested positive also.
I took a long nap today and Kyle had
to go into Ogden to get more chemicals for the car wash so I didn’t go down to
Papi’s. I really had a sore lower back when I got up from my nap and Kyle gave
me some Tylenol. I went to bed fairly early.
Adrian had his class tonight.
17 October 2024 Thursday
Today
was rainy off on and on but I was
feeling much better. I brought drinks to Papi’s but Kyle wasn’t there and was
surprised when I came back to the house he was home. I helped him cover the
swimming pool and he said he was home to take Johana into the clinic by
Bewilder as she was not feeling well but she didn’t have Covid. Kyle got his flu and Covid shots today.
I laid down again for a nap when
Kyle got me up because everyone was over to celebrate his birthday with
presents and a cute chocolate cake decorated with a Dr. Pepper motif.
They all later in the evening went
to a concert at Eccles Theater to hear a singer Silvestre Dangond from Columbia
who was in town for one night. Kyle really doesn’t like concerts and only went
to please the rest of the family. I know birthdays aren’t that important but I
know it does mean a lot that it is acknowledged.
18 October 2024 Friday
Yolanda
wasn’t feeling well today. She’s probably caught the same cold that is going
around. Johana had it the other day. And I have been sneezing with a drippy
nose also. I went to the store early
this morning to get some kitchen garbage sack as we finally went through all of
them. Then I went over to Mike’s to take him to Smith’s in Woods Cross to pick
up his grocery order.
Kyle said he had to be at Bewilder
all day doing a photo shoot so I didn’t have to go to Papi’s so I came back
home and starting putting the Romero book together and took a long nap until
Roy Zang called around 4 and we talked for about an hour and a half just
visiting.
He and Andy Dalrymple went to Nikki
Boyer presentation the other day so I wanted see how that went at the Pride
Center. He said it was fine just not a big turnout mostly older lesbians, which
I kind of figured. He told me more about
his skin cancer and bone cancer and we talked about facing our mortality. He
did say that Jackson Carter is getting the panel I made Michael Spence for the
AIDS Quilt to display at the center and is doing a kind of tribute to Tracy so
I sent to Andy Dalrymple what photos I had,
I
didn’t do much else but walk and feed the pups and go back to bed. The weather has really changed as it feels
like fall with the rain showers today and yesterday.
19 October 2024 Saturday
Well
this evening Kyle and Adrian started removing and rearranging to start changing
the old movie room into two bedrooms. I hadn’t seen Adrian all day after fixing
him his breakfast. When Kyle started stirring this afternoon we filled out our
ballots for Kamala Harris and signed my
Progressive Insurance form to send off. On my Utah Ballot under President
Federal Office candidates there was Lucifer “Justin Case” Every love and I
thought how did Trump manage to get on the ballot twice. Talk about voting
fraud. LOL
We did our patriotic duty and dropped
off our ballots at the Northwest community center because Trump said if he wins
I never will have to vote again.
Well it was a chore moving the hide
away sofa down to Kyle’s room but with Adrian and Gabriel’s help they managed
it. The bunk bed and Adrians bed are
being moved into the front room while the movie room is being remodeled. So it’s
going to be a real mess and a tight fit for a while. I have been left out of
the conversation so have no idea how long it will take.
Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost in my
own home just observing but not participating anymore.
People like to make fun of us Baby
Boomers but it was because of us that
the constitution lowered the voting age from 21 to 18. The first
election I could vote in was in 1970 when I was 19 and voted for Jesse Unruh against
Ronald Reagan for Calif governor.
The first presidential election I could
vote in was in 1972 when I was 21 years old and I was smart enough to not vote
for Nixon nor have I ever for a Republican of which I am so proud.
It makes me sad that 18 year olds don't vote
when we struggled so hard to get that right.
My senior year I joined the LUV club Let
Us Vote... I must admit that John Cunningham being a member may have influenced
me a bit just to be near him.
20 October 2024 Sunday
I
tried to be quiet this morning but I had to turn the kitchen light on to fix Adrian his breakfast. Everyone is
sleeping in the front room now. I tried to lay down some but fixed some
pancakes for my breakfast. Then I started typing up some histories. I was
looking for pictures of Tracey Ross also to send to Jackson Carter at the Pride
Center.
I took Mike Romero to Walmart in
Centerville so he could get some testing strips using his Medicare card. I
checked to see if my print out worked and it did so. I guess I can use it now
to buy over the counter medicine. I will probably use it mainly for disposal
adult diapers for Chuito. When I first left to go pick up Mike there was a
firetruck and EMT across the street helping someone.
Anyway when I came home Kyle was
there with the old Build Team Truck because he was tearing up the old carpet
from the Movie Room that’s 28 years old. Then he taped off the outline where
he’s going to build the walls to have two bedrooms. Yolanda’s bedroom will be
small but it will be just a sleeping room.
I made some deviled eggs for Kyle
and we went to get our drinks before I took a nap in the afternoon.
21 October 2024 Monday
The
morning started off piss poor when I got up at 4:30 after sleeping very little
to fix Adrian his breakfast and then when he wasn’t up I called downstairs and
he said he wasn’t going in which made me mad that he couldn’t have told me
before I got up and packed a breakfast for him.
I had a restless sleep up all night due
to my jaw hurting from a toothache so I quickly drove down to Roseman Dental urgency care again. I
am not sure what is worse the toothache pain or being in the dental chair for
hours.
Anyway they got me in right away but
then they wanted to take my blood pressure. I knew my blood pressure was going
to be high as I hadn’t been taking my pills for a while but I had a waiver from
doctor Stoneburner on file down at Roseman which was supposed to excuse me from
having it taken. It is always High when I am in pain. However they insisted I
do a routine blood pressure cuff even after I said I was there in urgency care.
It was over the limit the school will do and when I complained to the doctor he
said if it’s too high they wouldn’t take me even with the waiver. I was so
frustrated, having left the house early and driving all the way down to 106th
South in pan and then just to be turned away. I don't know whether I was more angry or frustrated. Either
way I felt like bawling because my jaw ached.
So I drove back home and went to bed suffering
until I could figure out what next to do. Maybe I will just suffer I suppose. When I checked my blood
pressure at home and it read 20 points lower than what it did at Roseman and I
even checked 3 times.
Kyle came home around 10 to start on the
movie room when he saw me still in bed and asked if I was okay. I said no
because of being turned away from Roseman. He called around to several dentists
and found Town Dental in Bountiful and could see me at 4. I dreaded the fact it
would probably cost hundreds of dollars to be seen. So since I was going to the dentist at 4, I decided I
might help as well as lay in bed and moan. That's what boomers do. We complain
then we get to work like our parents taught us.
I main swept up the sheet rock dust and debris that will go out the
window down into the dump truck. Any way I just got up and helped with the demolition
done in the old movie room as Kyle cut down sheet rock and lumber to clear the
space. He is turning the space into two bedrooms for Adrian and his mom and
invalid brother..
Later Ron Holmgren wrote me and asked, “Did
you think....in your wildest dreams, that you would end up with a second family
at your age?” and I replied Nope never...but it's been a blessing but also
getting used to sharing a space I had so long to myself especially bathroom
time lol.”
I drove into Bountiful and the dental
office was in the shopping strip where Parson’s Bakery is located, I was amazed what a pleasant experience it
was. The receptionist said that they took my Medicare insurance so the whole
visit didn’t cost me out of pocket any. I don’t recall the Dentist name but he was excellent,
no high pressure, or belittling how I take care of my teeth, just said that one
of the eye teeth on the lower left jaw was riddle with cavities and that I
could either have a root canal or pull it. I said to just pull it as I no
longer have a tooth above it.
I was also pleased how virtually
painless it was and how quickly he took the tooth out although he said it gave
him trouble because it was just braking apart instead of coming out in one
piece. At Roseman I would have been in the chair at least an hour perhaps
longer and start to finish it took only about 25 minutes plus they gave me a
prescription for antibiotics and pain pills which Roseman never did.
I had to stop at Smiths to pick up the
drugs and that took longer than being at the dentist. When I came home Adrian
and Kyle had cleaned out all the debris so the room was clean to start framing
tomorrow.
I took the pups for a walk and fed them
before going to bed because it was a trying day and my mouth was still numb.
I added Cinema Box to my Roku site. Mike
told me about it that it had all these old movies without commercials. I
watched a bit of an old movie called Kings of the Sun which I hadn’t seen in at
least 5 decades. It was kind of a 1961 Mayan drama with George Chakiris and Yul
Brenner in it. So that was my day.
22 October 2024 Tuesday
Adrian
went to work today to make up for yesterday so I woke up at 5 and quickly made
him a takeout breakfast. I had another restless sleep with my jaw hurting but not from where the
tooth was pulled.
Then around 6 I started to have a
little bit of diarrhea from the antibiotics I think, but Gabriel Perchas was in the bathroom and then as he took a
shower I couldn’t wait any longer so I went into Kyles room and used the toilet
there. First time ever but when you have to go you have no choice.
Anyway I went back to bed and slept
until around 9 and I made arrangement to take Mike Romero into Bountiful to
pick up a battery for the truck to see if that is one of the issues. We went
about 11:30, picked up the battery drove and got drinks for Luis and Gabriel
and then down to Papi’s as Kyle pulled in about that time so Mike, Luis, and he
visited about the truck and Sebastian did some of the translating. Kyle worked
building the partition wall and its starting to really look like two rooms. He
told me it had to be done by the 30th because the social worker is
coming over to check on the boys.
23 October 2024 Wednesday
I
spent almost all day sending Alice Faulkner Burch who is with the Utah's Black
history organization “Sema Hadithi African American Heritage & Culture
Foundation.” "Sema Hadithi" is Swahili for "Tell the Story"
and we desire to tell the story of all of Utah's Black communities. I sent to
her email SemaHadithi@outlook.com stories I had written on the Pioneer Bank
families, Lulu Johnson, Curley Crosby, and Fanny Payne. I didn’t do much else
but go pick up Brian from school and later went over to Mike Romero to see
about Coco as that the large abscess on her hump was draining and so I brought
some antibiotic cream over for her.
I had a bill from Synchrony Bank
that upset me because I paid off my Ashely account and this was for nearly
$2,000 from a google account. Also Mike said that he’s going to tow his Truck
to Lancers because he doesn’t trust how well Luis knows how to fix it.
24 October 2024 Thursday
Adrian
took the day off again so I didn’t have
to fix him any breakfast and I slept or rested while the house stirred. Gabe
has to get ready to go work at Papi’s and Brian has to get ready for school so it’s
after 8 before it’s just Yolanda, Chuito, and me in the house.
The wind really blew fierce last night
and the cover over the swimming pool was blown down into the water. Something
to take care of later I suppose.
It was a long tiresome day. Kyle said
that Mike’s truck got started so we could pick it up after coming back from
taking him to the Daybreak Clinic. I went to pick him up at 1 and all the roads
down there were under some type of construction that it took 45 minutes to
arrive there. I sat in the car with Coco and while it was only supposed to take
a half hour, When mike came out at 3 he said another patient before him had
taken a lot of extra time. So leaving I was going to take the Mountain Corridor
but it was backed up for miles so I had to zigzag across Daybreak to get to
Bangerter and then drove over to Papi’s which we got there just before 4. Kyle
was there with Brian. So Mike drove back home and I drove to the Glendale
Smith’s to get more treats for the pups, mainly TJ.
I was super hungry as I hadn’t eaten
since early breakfast except for an egg sandwich. After walking the pups and
feeding them Kyle was home and Luisana, Tutu, and Luis Jr came to the house in
costume to go with Gabe, Adrian, and Kyle to the Haunted House on 13th
South. They were all excited and it was fun to see them getting all hyped up.
I was tired from all the 3 hours of
traffic driving so I went to bed fairly early at 9.
In the news Trump more or less stated he
wanted Generals loyal to him like Hitler’s generals were for him and his former
chief of staff John Kelly told the New York Times that Trump said that Hitler
did some good things and Kelly said that Trump indeed is a fascist. He said he wanted Generals loyal to him and
not the Constitution.
25 October 2024 Friday
I
was really upset this morning after getting up at 4:30 to fix Adrians breakfast
and he still was not up by 5:10 so I called him and got some garbled message I
couldn’t understand like he wasn’t going in today so I sent him a message
saying I was done fixing his breakfast as this was the third time I had gotten
up to fix him breakfast without him letting me know. As I went back to bed
evidently he rushed up grabbed his breakfast and hurried off to work.
I am feeling so underappreciated
right now and like I am a ghost in my own home and it’s so damn cold. Not sure
what Kyle has done to the thermostat settings but it was 64 in the house this
morning.
I calmed down later in the day and
realized I was probably over reacting due to being tired and my house being
turned upside down during the reconstructing of the bedroom.
I took Kyle his lunch and drinks for
Luis and Gabriel. Sebastion Johnson took yesterday and today off to fly to Las
Vegas to attended a Trump Rally for a podcast. He’s not a trump supporter thank
goodness.
When I came back home I made an
apple sauce cake and then I was reminded that Brian gets out of school early on
Fridays and It was already a little
after the time so I drove down there quickly and he was all by himself waiting.
He didn’t seem to mind. He’s a really resilient little boy and its hilarious
listening him play his games on his phone as he gets so excited.
I didn’t see Adrian all day so I’m
not sure whether he’s mad at me or not. He sent my message to Kyle and Kyle
said that he should be more considerate of me and at least communicate with me.
Actually that’s all I want.
Kyle came home around six and worked
a little framing and I was already in my night shirt as I was really tired,
mentally and physically I think from having a tooth pulled, driving 3 hours in
traffic with Mike Romero yesterday and just weary from worry about Trump
getting back into the White House. Also I have a general malaise but not
certain why.
Kyle said the gang had a great time
at the Nightmare on 13th South last night. That will be good
memories for them all. I’ve known Kyle for 14 years now, through good times and
bad times. But also memories of the bad
times makes me always think will another shoe drop? I can only hope that he realizes that his
decisions effect more than himself anymore and that he has a family now that
depends on him.
26 October 2024 Saturday
I
am living in a state of anxiety, not sure why. Maybe it’s seasonal or maybe it’s
because my whole house is turned upside down. Four people are living out of the
front room, I am huddled in my bedroom and Adrian and Kyle are downstairs. Jesus and Johanna was over for most of the
day to be with their boys so I just
tried to stay out of the way and typed in the bedroom on the Romeros of the 18th
Century.
Kyle didn’t even start working on
the movie room until noon, which I thought was a waste of the morning but he
did some framing and moving electrical out lets.
As the gang left to take Johana to
work and to go buy Brian a Halloween costume, I finally did some yard work
moving some paving stones over to the parking strip between the Behanas and my
section so that backing out of the driveway will be a bit easier. I started
cutting down some of the overgrown sunflowers also and when I went in to get my
saw, I noticed the garage door wouldn’t open. Evidently Kyle turned off that
portion of the control panel.
Well off they went, so I continued
to work in the yard until I was pooped and when I came into the house I
discovered that the lights and electricity to my room was off also! Thank
goodness I saved what I was working on earlier but I couldn’t do much so I
fixed Adrian’s breakfast to put in the refrigerator thinking I would stay busy until I see Kyle.
Well he just came home long enough to
dropped Brian off with his spooky costume and left with Adrian. When I called
him to say the electricity was off in my room, he was kind of snarky saying he
wished I would have told him sooner and I was rather perturbed and said I had
no idea it was off as I was outside working.
Well he rushed home and fixed it and
said Adrian was in a mood because he was hungry and I said tell him to get over
it. I love Adrian but I think he could
be doing more after all we are doing for his family because of our love for
him. Oh Well.
It was beautiful autumn weather around the mid
60’s. There’s been no real news from Israel firing missiles into Iran. North
Korea is sending troops to assist Russia. I bet North Korea will execute the
families of anyone trying to desert.
I read a comment about Elon Musk that
rings true exactly for Trump also -"He was born rich and never had to go
through the things that makes a man. Basically he has the emotional maturity of
a toddler."
27 October 2024 Sunday
It
was around 8 this morning that I got up after having some sexy dreams. I was
surprised that it was so late although it was nearly 11:30 before I went to bed
last night. Everyone was still in bed as I went into the kitchen to fix some
coffee. I didn’t turn the light on to not disturb those sleeping and when I
reached for the coffee container the lid wasn’t on tight and it dropped and
spilled all over the floor. That was not a good way to start the day.
Fortunately I had an unopened container of coffee but still I hated the waste.
It was a quiet day around the place
as that Johana and Jesus took their boys and were gone all day doing a family
thing so it was just Yolanda and Chuito here with me for most of the day
although Kyle was in and out but did get the movie room mostly completely wired
for all the outlets. I mostly just
helped cleaning the room up from debris.
When Adrian came home he came in
late around 7 so he was gone for much of the day but came into my room to visit
and hug on me. All is forgiven.
Kyle said that Sebastian Johnson
will be gone for two weeks for some non-profit thing he’s doing so I imagine I
will have to be helping Kyle out. On Tuesday Mike Romero needs for me to meet
him at Lances as he is dropping his truck off there because they have the
wherewithal to use a computer to check everything out just in case.
28 October 2024 Monday
Brian
didn’t go to school today because Johana didn’t feel well to pick him up. I
told Kyle to tell Jesus and Johana that I would take him in the morning if they
weren’t well. There is no reason I
couldn’t any way, as I am up.
I brought Kyle his lunch and Gabe
and Luis their drinks and by the time I came back home, I was here by myself as
Yolanda took Chuito into Bewilder, and Jesus took Brian.
I worked in the yard some cutting
back rose bushes and more sunflowers. The season is about over for sure. This
Sunday we go back to Standard time.
In the news, Trump held a rally at
Madison Square Gardens in NYC where a comedian called Puerto Rico a floating
garbage dump.
I didn’t see Adrian today and Kyle
said he didn’t sleep downstairs. When Kyle came home he was too tired to work
in the bedroom construction and I just watched Bob Burger episodes and two
Simpsons before heading to bed.
29 October 2024 Tuesday
It
was a rainy morning when I picked up Mike Romero from Lancers where he took his
truck in to have the computer system checked. I had to be there at 8 and it was
really dark out with the rain clouds. Then we went to Papi’s to drop off Kyle’s
lunch I made for him of chili rellenos. Rice and black beans. He was late getting
there until after 8:15, due to his dealing with Adrian’s court case today for
his speeding and reckless driving ticket.
From Papi’s I took Mike to the
Redwood clinic to have some blood work done but he said they were backed up and
he didn’t want to wait 45 minutes so I just took him home. Cocos enlarged hump
has been draining and has gone down quite a bit and Mike is glad for that.
Adrian went into work this morning
but didn’t spend the night at the house.
It was a zoom court appearance and Kyle called me later and said that
Adrian was fined $450 and has a misdemeanor now.
It was damp and wet and cold for
much of the day and I drove down to pick up Brayan rather than walk him home.
When Kyle came home he worked some
more in the construction room framing in Yolanda’s closet. He asked me to find
out what is going on with Adrian as that he missed his class on Monday. Oh well I can’t worry about everything.
30 October 2024 Wednesday
Life
is just one change after another. There was a big blow up between Adrian and
his sister Johana and his mother with
lots of screaming and crying and I not understanding a bit of it except that
Adrian has been deceiving everyone because he’s bee shacked up with this Juan
Pablo guy for the past three days and that is why he hasn’t spent the night
here or been around to see us or his mother. It got pretty ugly with me taking
Brian into my bedroom because he was
crying from all the adults yelling at each other.
Adrian eventually left and never said
a word to me but when I texted him later he said he had been depressed and now
he is happy being with Juan Pablo. I am
not angry with him but Kyle said he is heartbroken even though earlier he was
telling me that he just wanted to be friends with Adrian but I think that will
be extremely hard to ever be that again.
So this is the dilemma. All of
Adrian’s family is up here because of him and either living with me or working
for Kyle. Adrian’s leaving doesn’t affect us, at least right now, how we feel
about his family because they have become like family to us but it’s weird that
his mom and disabled brother will be living here without Adrian.
Adrian right now is dick enchanted
with Juan Pablo and who knows how long that will last but I wonder now if
Adrian will ever come back here to live. The bedroom was being reconstructed
for him and his mother but I wonder now if Kyle will have the same enthusiasm
to finish it the way it was envisioned. And who will end up paying for it?
Probably me. I still owe $6000 for bringing Yolanda and the rest of the bunch
up from Columbia and I wonder if I will ever get paid back for that.
It truly is a mess right now. I am
not sure how I feel right now. We made Adrian the center of our world and now
that is gone. Kyle has a relationship independent of Adrian with the family
because they all work for him. But my
only relationship with them was through my love for Adrian.
What a mess.
I went down to Papi’s at 11 to bring
Kyle his lunch and went with him to the Chef Store to get supplies. He bought a
lot of things that he usually gets from Nicholas so I wonder if he is behind on
his billing. I didn’t ask.
I went to Walmart and used my Medicare
card to buy some depends for Chuito and then was home for the rest of the day
except to pick up Brian from school.
TJ wiggled out of his harness this morning and I
couldn’t locate it anywhere so I bought him another collar so we could go
walking.
The Social Worker came over today to
check on how Brian and Gabriel were doing and I had to straighten up Kyles room
downstairs. I saw that there was a huge hole in the corner of the sofa cushion
probably made by a mouse. That really upset me as I had just paid that off.
That was another thing I had bought for Adrian’s family last year as it was a
hide away bed. Oh well.
Before going to bed I watched on Cinebox
The Reivers a movie that Steve McQueen was in that I hadn’t seen since it first
came out in 1969.
I saw that the actress Teri Garr
died age the age of 79. I am just biding my time until it’s my time to shuck
this mortal coil. I already feel like a ghost just watching life that I am not
really a part of anymore. I guess there won’t be any more getting up to fix
Adrian breakfast anymore. At least Yolanda still has Chuito and the boys to
look after.
31 October 2024 Thursday
I
saw that Johana was walking Brian to school so I quickly got dressed and I
drove them the rest of the way to school. Evidently Jesus has a new morning job
and can’t take them but since I am up early anyway there is no reason not to
take them Kyle was just getting ready to leave
when I came home and I said I would take Johana into work from now on at
10:30 before going to Papi’s with his lunch.
He looked a mess and wanted to talk
to me about Adrian and Juan Pablo and how he never wants Pablo to be ever near
the house or the places of businesses because Adrian’s family hates him for
what he did to them in Columbia. I said we are on the same page about Juan
Pablo never coming around but Adrian is still welcomed to come around as much
as he likes.
So that’s that as that neither one
of us got much sleep last night. I didn’t even go to bed until after midnight
worrying about how Adrian’s leaving will affect finishing the new bedrooms and
his family living with us. When Kyle was
through expressing himself I reminded him that this is still my house. I pay
the mortgage and all the utilities so I say who lives here and who can come
over. I guess Adrian yesterday told Luis
Jr who was here for the fight to get out of “his house” when Luis said how much
he hated Juan Pablo.
Anyway Kyle went upstairs and explained in Spanish
that I would take Brian to school in the
morning as well as pick him up and I will take Johana to work Monday through Friday.
So that was what I did this morning,
stopping at Maverick to get drinks for Luis and Gabriel and bringing Kyle his
lunch. He wanted me to go with him to get some more supplies for Bewilder.
It was looking overcast like it
might rain today but it never did. I walked down to North Star to pick up Brian
and was home for the rest of the day trying to take a nap before this evening.
Lusiana and Tutu came over and went
trick or treating with Brian, Gabriel, and Kyle while I sat down by the door
and handed out full size bars of Trix, Reese’s, and Hershey that Kyle had
bought. It was all over by 8:30 when the
gang returned to the house tired and loaded down with loot.
While they were going through their
loot I was surprised that Adrian showed up. I guess he came by just to get
clothes and stuff and when Kyle noticed that Pablo was waiting in the car
across the street, Kyle was upset with me for not talking to Adrian earlier
about never bringing Pablo anywhere near the house.
So I had Adrian come into the
bedroom to kind of let him know that he is aways welcomed here but because of
Kyle and his family Pablo is never to be allowed at the house. Adrian became
defensive so I had Kyle come speak to him because I don’t think Adrian really
understood what I was saying.
They stayed calm and talked and
talked in Spanish with me not having a clue what was being said except that
Adrian broke down and was crying. He stayed with Kyle for a good 45 minutes
while Pablo I guess waited in the car. That was a bizarre ending to the night
with Luisana and Tutu laughing in the
front room having enjoyed their trick or treating while Adrian was weeping in
my room.
Well another Halloween has come and
gone... we mostly had teenagers who I was happy to see...the few little kids
that came were with their parents...I think younger kids go to Trunk or Treat
activities leaving the house to house to teenagers. Halloween is about having
fun without an age requirement.
So October is over and what a crazy roller coaster month
for the saga of Adrian and Kyle. So Samhain is here now with it being the
cross quarter day between the fall equinox and the winter solstice... a time of
soups, baking, and extra blankets on the bed
NOVEMBER
1 November 2024 Friday
I
drove Brian and Johana to North Star and when I came back to the house Kyle
called and said Adrian is having a mental health crisis and Kyle went to pick
him up from Newrest to take him to Papis and I went down there early to bring a
blanket and pillow on which Adrian could rest of the couch down there. He is
overwhelmed with emotions about his family and Juan Pablo and is considering
suicide.
By the time I arrived at Papi’s they
were already there so I just hugged Adrian, kissed his forehead and left them
alone. I came back to the house and after 10:15 I took Johana to work at
Bewilder and stopped to get drinks for Luis and Gabriel because I wanted the
day to be as normal as possible. I dropped in to see Adrian and Kyle who was still comforting him and talking
Adrian down off the proverbial ledge.
So I went back home and waited to
pick up Brian as it was early out at 12:30. After that around 1 in the
afternoon Mike Romero called and asked me if I would take him to get his blood
drawn as his truck wouldn’t be ready until Tuesday after his zoom call for his
doctor appointment. So I did, but down at the Redwood Clinic the lab was closed
because no one showed up for work. Can you believe that? So I took him to the
Sugar House clinic where Mike had never been before but he got right in.
While waiting, Kyle called me to
tell me what was going on with Adrian. He had calmed down enough for Kyle to
have taken him back to Newrest to pick up his car after they had a long talk
and Adrian rested a bit. It sounds like
Adrian is really confused and embarrassed feeling like he’s disappointing
everyone. Also his relation with Juan Pablo is already rocky and they have been
arguing over Adrian leaving his family. Adrian admitted that he and Pablo have
not had sex as Pablo blames not getting hard because of Adrian having been
married to Kyle so there is already trouble in paradise.
I took Mike home and continued to
listen on the phone to Kyle when I arrived in the garage and Kyle surprised me
by telling me that he fucked Adrian before taking him back to Newrest. Kyle
rarely if ever tells me these things but it was the probably very healthy for
Adrian as he needed sex and also to have it by someone who cares deeply for
him. Kyle I think subconsciously was very jealous of the picture Adrian posted
of him and Pablo snuggling and he asked Adrian to remove it which he did.
Adrian had rented a room for Pablo
to stay in until he has to return to Columbia on November 8th and
Adrian doesn’t want to come back to the house yet but we also said we will rent
him a space if he doesn’t feel safe with Pablo.
Well nothing is absolutely solved
but Adrian does know he has options and that we, meaning all his family
including me want what is good for him. It’s hard being 27 years old. I know I
was so infatuated with my boss Gary Ratliff when I was that age even though I
was married to Fran and I made some really stupid decisions.
Roy Zang called me later and said
that he had visited the Pride Center to see the quilt panels down there and
when he said the one I made for Michael Spense was pink that really surprised
me thinking maybe it had just faded over age. However when Roy posted a picture
of it, I soon saw that it was not the one I made but it was done by someone
else. So I looked in my files and found
a picture of mine and looked in the Quilt directory and saw that there were two
for Michael Spence, mine in block 1348 and this pink one in block 288.
I was rather disappointed that the
original I made in 1988 was not the one being displayed but as usual no one
from there bother to contact me to see if they had the correct one. Oh well.
Not the first time the Pride Center fucked me over.
In the news Trump called Liz Cheney a War hawk on
Tucker Carlson show and suggested how would she feel if 9 guns were pointed at
her and shot her in the face.
Kyle
went to Papi’s early this morning and this afternoon I joined hm at Bewilder to
learn how to make pretzels as we are making homemade pretzels now rather than
buying them to cut down on cost I suppose. Johana was working with Luisana as
Milagros had the day off because it was her birthday.
I was at Bewilder for about an hour
and a half kneading dough and twisting them into pretzel shapes. I then had to
run to Office Depot to buy printer ink because Kyle ran out and needed to print
out the new menu. He also had to run back to the house to meet Jesus and Maria
who are going to help with sheet rocking the rooms tomorrow. Kyle went with
Jesus taking my credit card to buy what is needed.
I took down all the Halloween
decorations outside and inside. Once a holiday is over I like to get rid of it
all. I take after mom that way.
I also decided to do some major
cleaning in my room by cleaning out closets and rearranging stuff that I had
just packed in them. I should get rid of some more clothes I suppose.
Kyle was gone for most of the
evening while I tried to take a late nap. I did message Adrian to let him know
we love him and miss him and when Kyle came home he was so distraught over
Adrian being with this Pablo guy who Kyle won’t mention by name but only refers
to his as the Jackass. He is so stressed out and I think he is finally coming
to terms with how much Adrian truly means to him and is so afraid of Adrian
going off with Pablo. The fact that Adrian might be having sex with him is
tearing Kyle apart.
There’s little I can do as I am
powerless over people, places, and things, but just let Kyle emote his
feelings. He said he’s going to fight for Adrian and not just let Adrian
passively make wrong decisions by listening to Juan Pablo who wants to tear
Adrian away from his family.
Kyle said that the gang was coming
over after work to celebrate Milagros’ birthday with a cake so I knew they
would want me to be there, especially if Kyle isn’t, as he is dealing with
Adrian.
So even though I turned my clocks
back I didn’t go to bed but stayed up in the dining room waiting for people to
get off work. I was surprised that Tutu was over already and had cleared off
the dining room table. Gabriel must have
been tired and was a sleep next to Chuito.
I gave Tutu all these water colors, brushes, and painting tablets as I
know I will never use them. Those days are behind me. She is taking an art class so this should
help her.
Anyway it was after midnight and
technically no longer Milagros’ birthday when Luisana showed up with balloons
and Milagros came with Luis. I was surprised that Johana and Jesus didn’t come
nor Luis Jr but I suppose Johanna was super tired. Luisana said they were busy
and Kyle even said they sold two Pretzel towers for $24 each. So I guess they
are a hit but I am sure a lot of work to make a batch up.
Anyway we wished Milagros happy
birthday and basically everyone then just left as I suppose everyone was
exhausted from a long day.
As they were leaving in their cars
another surprise, Adrian came up stairs and gave me a hug so he must have been
downstairs with Kyle as I know Kyle had sent him a message saying he wanted
actually needed to see him because Kyle was in a bad spot over this crazy
affair.
Long time ago I told Kyle before he
even went to prison that our
relationship is nobody’s business and I reiterated that to him earlier, that
Adrian and his relationship is nobody’s business.
It was after 1 before heading to bed
but because of going back on standard time it was only midnight.
I had the strangest
dream last night that seemed so real. I was at a gathering somewhere when I
received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize but just said, “Bill”.
When I answered it was Bill Poore calling me from the Beyond. We visited and
while I was astonished he said he was in a good place and just wanted to let me
know he was happy and okay. I then told
some members of his family that I had a strange call from Bill although we all
know he passed away a year and a half ago. I
told them that it was comforting because I then knew my mother was in a
good place. This morning Kyle left to go get the work truck and I went with him
as he needed to talk to me about his feelings and how stressed he is over
everything. He wanted to drive by Newrest to make sure that Adrian had gone to
work as I think he was a bit frightened that Juan Pablo might harm Adrian.
We stopped at Lowes and I helped him
load 11 panels of sheet rock and I had to put on my debit card because
evidently my credit card now maxxed out again. That was around $180. Maria and
Jesus were at the house and unloaded the panels while I took the pups on a
quick walk around the block. They worked all day constantly sheet rocking the
two bedrooms so they are really starting to look like two rooms.
Adrian came over around 2:30 after
he got off of work but Kyle was down at Bewilder. Evidently he came back to the
house as he told me later in the evening that he fucked Adrian this afternoon
and last night. Kyle said that Adrian came home specifically to get fucked by
him so evidently Adrian is really not being satisfied by Juan Pablo.
This
evening Kyle came in and talked to me this evening about how things stand now
and he’s been talking to Yolanda and Johana about making sure that Adrian knows
he is part of the family and not to attack him because of what Juan Pablo was
doing.
I
wrote on Facebook I am going to try and not post anything political until after
Tuesday as most of my friends have already voted and I am sure we are all
exhausted and stressed out. I am going to post lots of cats, dogs, and children
memes, and see if that helps .
4 November 2024 Monday
All
hell broke loose today. Maria and Jesus came over to work some more on the
rooms and when Kyle came up a few times he asked if I heard from Adrian and when
I said no he went into one of his dark moods screamed that he didn’t care about
the room and he was going off to kill himself because he can’t stand the
thought of Adrian being with that guy. I followed him downstairs to the garage
as he drove off saying he was going to kill himself. I was so distraught that I
called Adrian and told him to fix this and I took the dogs and went out for a
long drive to get away. I think I would have killed myself also
I came home from
taking Mike Romero to pick up his truck from Lancers and it was cold and damp
out. When I came home I saw that Yolanda and Johana Pereira were packing like
they were leaving because Adrian threw Johana out of the house. I said first of all this is my house and not
Adrians and I say who stays and who leaves and I didn’t want them to leave.
When I called Kyle to explain what
was going on he rushed home and they had a blow up. He was screaming and out of
control like he can get when he is so frustrated. I finally just went to my
room because they were yelling at each other in Spanish and I had nothing I
could say that they wanted to hear. It’s all about Adrian decision to stay with
Juan Pablo I suppose. But I am done. I feel like I am just a ghost observing
and not much else.
Adrian
has to do what he has to do but he’s being considerably selfish and thinking of
no one but himself.
After
the blow up Kyle came in and said that
he explained to them all that this is my house and no one can ask anyone to
leave but me and that Kyle and I both want Yolanda to live here with Chuito and
for the house to be grand central for
family events without any fighting that the house is to be what Kyle called a
Cathedral of Harmony.
It
was really cold and dreary out like it might snow but never did. It was just
cold enough for me to pick Brian up in the car.
Jesus
was going to come over to work on the bedrooms but he called Kyle and said he
had worked outside all day and he was cold and tired. Maria even said she
returned the $500 to Kyle and just wanted to get paid when the work was
completed.
Adrian
called and said he wanted to come over to see me and he did around 6:30 but
mostly Kyle wanted to go drive around some place and give him an ultimatum of
either to choose Juan Pablo or him for a relationship. I have no idea how that
will pan out. I did not watch a bit of the election coverage as I fear too much
that Trump will regain the White House. I went to bed around 8:30.
Well,
it looks like Democracy died tonight by a large margin when more people wanted
a senile 78 year old felon to be in charge of what used to be The greatest
nation in the world. I guess the price of eggs was more important than freedom
from fascism.
I am resigned to the fact that America
will never be the same and that I am now a stranger in a strange land living
among a hateful ignorant people. We have a President now with full immunity to
take revenge on his enemies and will never be held responsible for his crimes.
This is worse than 2016 when we didn't know have this man would do to
America...Trump voters knew full bore now and voted for his hatred anyway. The
inmates are in charge now.
I've deleted all the political groups I
belonged to and have even stopped caring to listen to the news. The Electoral
college is not the blame this time as the felon received the majority of the
votes. it’s going to be a bumpy ride with probably buyer’s remorse but I don't
much care. I can die with a clear conscience. The billion oligarchy one and so
has Putin. Sorry for Ukraine and NATO but not for Most Americans who chose
fascism over the price of eggs. Just wait until RFK becomes head of the department
of secretary of health and human services. Covid 19 will seem like a day in the
park. Oh well like you I am done.
America is leading down a dark path. There’s no comfort that half of the
American voters are good people when the majority are ignorant and selfish or
just plain evil.
I deleted all my political groups and
all my anti- Republican memes because what does it matter anymore. Even if the felon drops dead or is
assassinated by the Iranians by January, J D Vance is waiting in the wings.
November 5th is the day Democracy died.
In 1923 a coup attempt by Adolf Hitler was quashed and on November 9, Hitler was arrested and was later
tried for high treason. In 1933 he was
elected Chancellor.
The Felon was never arrested for his
2021 attempted coup and it only took him 3 and half years to regain the
Presidency. We were warned now it's too
late.
There's not going to be any consolation
in saying I told you so when America has buyer’s remorse having elected a
demented vengeful 78 year old felon with JD Vance waiting in the wings to
impose project 2025.
Goodbye Ukraine and NATO. You know the
oligarchy in Russia are popping the champagne corks to have a useful idiot in
the control of America's foreign policy again.
I wonder if the bitch Melania is coming
back to the White House. The majority of Americans deserve the fascist
government they voted for. I hope the price of eggs is worth it.
I’ve stopped watching the news or the
autopsy of the results of the election. The media as far as I am concerned is
complicit in the felons re-election for treating him as a legitimate candidate.
I was up at 3:30 this morning to learn
the horrific news that Pennsylvania went for the felon so all was lost. I had a
restless disturbing attempt to sleep some more but couldn’t. When I was up and
dressed to take Johana and Brian to school I was informed that Brian has broken
out in a rash all over and wasn’t going to school but rather I was asked to
take them to the 4th Street Clinic across from Bewilder which I did.
Kyle suggested that I not wait as it may
take hours for them to be seen so I went back home. At 10:30 I went to Common
Cents to get the guys their fountain cokes and to bring Kyle his lunch. When I
arrived there, Kyle wasn’t there but had gone to take Brian home. He was on his
way back when someone wanting to rent a U haul showed up. Evidently Brian just
has hives and nothing more serious like the measles or chickenpox.
Afterwards we went to get our drinks and
I could tell he was in no mood to visit so I just left him alone and didn’t ask
about Adrian.
Back at the house Milagros was over, visiting
with her mom and I worked on some of the Romero genealogy rather than think
about the dystopian future we will have for the next 4 years.
In the afternoon Mike Romero called to
ask for the name of the dentist office I went to as that he had a bad toothache
and needed to see one.
Maria’s husband Jesus came over around
6:30 to work plastering in the bedroom and Kyle came home around 7. He looked
shot and asked if I would go to Bewilder to help with the dishes as they were
swamped and he wanted to be home because Adrian agreed to come over and he
wanted to be here when he did.
So off I went to Bewilder and was there
at 7:30 and the entire parking lot was filled with cars so I know the crew was
busy and I was surprised that only Milagros and Maria were working and they
were slammed. So I jumped in and started washing pots and pans and dishes and
worked until 9:30 non stopped. It was
crazy busy but the gals kept up the pace.
Maria insisted I go home around 9:30 and
I agreed because I basically had all the dishes done which helped them out a
lot. So I drove back to the house and when I opened the garage door to park the
car I was surprised that Adrians car was parked inside.
I didn’t know what to think. At least he
parked in the garage and not out on the street like he was going to leave
later. I don’t know what this means but hopefully it means that Adrian wants to
be part of the family again. It’s not easy loving an irrational man, or should
I say “men” as both Adrian and Kyle are crazy.
In another week it will be two years since they met at Club Verse and
Adrian came here to live. Strange that Club Verse closed at that location where
Kyle and I worked so hard.
Brian
stayed home another day so I didn’t have to take him to school or pick him up.
The weather was much nicer than yesterday, not as damp and gloomy.
I went down to Papi’s with drinks for
Luis and Gabriel and lunch for Kyle. When we went to go get our drinks he told
me a bit about what he and Adrian discussed last night. Also I guess Kyle last night at bewilder took
a tumble on the sidewalk there really hard and he thinks he might have broken a
rib.
So after bringing some supplies down to
Bewilder I went and bought him so Tylenol to help with the pain. Also while
speaking with Kyle he’s decided to do more inhouse food preparation to cut down
on costs. He already has the crew, making jalapeno bites and breaded pickles as
well as making pretzels, now he wants to them to do the French Fries in house.
He said he wants to get away from food suppliers like Nicholas and Sysco to
save money and is cutting back the hours of the crew from 40 to 37 and is going
to bring Yolanda on as a night time dish washer.
This late afternoon, after feeding
the pups I decided to go down to Bewilder to be doing something rather than
stew over half of American’s disloyalty and stupidity. I went down around 5:30
and I think Kyle was surprised to see me there. I worked with Milagros and Maria
helping getting caught up on dishes however they were not as swamped as
yesterday. I mainly relieved Marie from the chore of breading pickle slices
which was time consuming but freed her up to do other prep work. I know she was
tired so I was happy to help but standing on my feet for two hours was enough
and so at 7:30 I left for home.
I have not listened or watched the
news since the election. I have no interest in hearing the felon crow nor the
lamentations of the loss of a new beginning.
I have to stay busy with my own life for my mental health. I even
stopped looking at posts of my friends who are crushed and posting their own
jeremiads. I will probably die during the Felon’s term in office if he doesn’t
blow up the world first.
8 November 2024 Friday
Kyle
broke me today and I am at a loss to do anything about it but say I am done. He
called me this morning and said not to come to Papi’s because he didn’t want to
eat or see anyone and that he blocked Adrian on his phone. Yolanda wanted me to
bring Johana her lunch to Bewilder and since I had to be out, I bought drinks
for the guys and brought Kyle some lunch to Papi’s.
There he said he just wanted to be
left alone but I also knew instinctively he need to vent so I stayed and sat on
the couch. I commiserated that Adrian’s actions have been disastrous towards
the family and us so much that I agreed that Adrian needed to decide whether he
wants to be part of the family or be just a roommate with us. I thought that was strange because Kyle terms
meant that he still wanted Adrian around. I told Kyle that he needed to
concentrate on keeping his businesses going and stop obsessing over things we cannot
have any control over,
He then wanted me to contact Adrian
and demand that he come to the house to ask him what does he want to do be part
of the family or a roommate. I hated being put in that position ultimatum but I
also knew I had to agree to get Kyle to calm down from his mania.
So I did and Adrian said he’s come
over at 2:30 to see his mother and speak with me, which seemed to satisfy Kyle.
So Adrian came by after work and I took
him into the bedroom to talk and I asked him what he wanted to do and that I
didn’t want to talk about Kyle or Juan Pablo. However Adrian poured out his
heart to me saying that he loved us and being here with us and the family but
that he also loves Juan Pablo and he is torn up because of his love for Kyle and Juan Pablo. He seemed very
defeated and I listened as much as I could using our attempts at English and
the Translation app which I hated because it did not truly convey what we
wanted to say to each other from our hearts. I knew I could never get a
commitment that Kyle demanded of him on his leaving even though we were at a
stalemate until 4 when he said he was really tired and need to leave.
Kyle called about that time and demanded
that I tell him what happened and I said I was too exhausted and weary to and
when Kyle was watching the security cameras on the phone he was screaming at me
over the phone that Adrian was driving away. He was absolutely out of control
so I hopped in the car hoping to follow Adrian and bring him back but I was
also at the time out of my mind. I finally called Adrian and said he had to
come back to the house as Kyle wanted to talk to him. Adrian did and I had him
sit in my car in the driveway and I was sobbing as I said that Kyle wanted
Adrian gone, which is what he had screamed at me on the phone.
Kyle pulled up and got out and started screaming
at the both of us furious that I had said that Kyle wanted Adrian to leave which he did and yelling obscenities
at me. They were then screaming at each other in Spanish and I just snapped and
went to the car and cried and cried. I felt so destroyed because Kyle yelled at
me to either chose him or Adrian. How could he ever have asked me to make that
choice when it was killing me.
Kyle’s car was blocking the driveway so
I couldn’t leave but I wanted to just get away as I was having a mental
breakdown. So I just went up the backstairs to my room and saw that the pups
were anxious for a walk and I knew that for them I had to be strong so I walked
them, fed them and stayed back in my room why the screaming match continued in
the front of the house.
I was done. I kept saying it over and
over that I was done. I just closed my door to my bedroom and looked up ways of
just ending it all. I had a notice in the mail from Capitol One Bank that they
were going to repossess the Volvo so Kyle hadn’t been paying his car payment.
It must have been months for them to send out the notice. But what else he has
screwed up I don’t know. I am sure he hasn’t paid his Nicolas account and that
is why he has stopped supplying Bewilder with their service.
I have no idea what will happen if all
Kyle’s businesses fail because he is so fucked up over Adrian which just seems
to be the catalyst not the prime reason.
It’s always some damn drama with Kyle and I am now too old and resigned
to not being able to fix anything anymore. I am drained. My pups are the only
thing that keeps me still here but for how long? I just want to go away but it seems I have
miles to go before I sleep.
It was around 7:30 that Kyle came into
my darken room and I was too exhausted and did not care to hear what he had to
say. He blamed me for his blow up when I said that he was the one who wanted
Adrian gone and that I didn’t deliver the ultimatum he wanted. Well I don’t care as for now my feelings are numb. I am powerless over
people, places, and things.
I didn’t leave my room and had the door
shut all night. I just don’t want to see anyone as my heart hurts and if it
doesn’t heal I need to just go away.
9 November 2024 Saturday
As
expected I had a very restless night then around 8 Kyle came up to my room to
check on I suppose. He said that Adrian had spent the night but was told to
make a decision between Juan Pablo and himself. I didn’t say a word. What more is there to say?
He asked if I was coming down to
Bewilder today like I said I would yesterday to work on making French fries
since we aren’t buying them frozen any more. I said I didn’t know how I felt
but as he sat down to talk and explain the situation with the car and how he
has to put a drop ceiling in at Bewilder as the health department is getting
adamant about it. He seemed so much calmer and was resigned to accept whatever
decision Adrian makes, and that he needed to concentrate on our new family and
his businesses. So I said I would come in to work as I probably ought to do for
my own mental health, While I was still lying in bed he came over and hugged me
and kissed me and said he loved me.
I was weary for much of the day like
I had been ran over with a truck but I went down to Bewilder as I said I would
although there was little I could do but watch. I have no idea why Kyle wanted
me down there except perhaps to be supportive. I stayed until 4 mainly just
sitting around and looking at my phone until I finally left at 4 to go home.
There Jesus and Maria were working
in the new bedrooms and Kyle bought the white paint for the rooms so that will
happen soon I suppose.
I stayed in my room for most of the
day except when walking the pups. I need to go to the store but didn’t get around to it. The
other day I bought a whole bunch of boneless chicken thighs that were on sale
at Lucky’s for the pups supper. I think Lulubelle is declining as she has lost
a lot of weight and eats very little.
I went to bed and watched some
television before calling it a night. I didn’t talk to Kyle about Adrian
anymore. There’s nothing more I can say or do.
10 November 2024 Sunday
I
made split pea soup this morning after going to Lucky’s to get a few items as I
needed pancake mix, coffee, some saltine crackers, and bread. This morning I
also swept and cleaned the two bedrooms really well.
This afternoon Kyle needed me to go to
Bewilder with him to make pretzels. When we got there I only saw Luis and
Milagros working. I didn’t ask anything because Kyle was on pins and needles
about Adrian as today Juan Pablo was supposed to leave and if he doesn’t then
Adrian is out of our lives. I was tired but we managed to make the dough, knead
it, roll them out into pretzel shapes, boil them than bake them. We were there
for at least two hours or more.
When we came home Maria and Jesus
were here already painting the bedrooms white as that is what Yolanda wanted
like Adrian’s room. Kyle, this morning, wired all the electrical outlets.
I hadn’t eaten since this morning
and it was nearly 5 when we were home finally so I had to walk the pups. However TJ had a
moment and just collapsed on his side when I had them all downstairs. I was
really concerned and had Kyle pick up TJ and care for him as I walked Maxx,
Taco, and Lulubelle.
Before I could feed the pups, Kyle said
we had to go to Lowes and buy 2 more cans of paint which I had to buy again. I
was exhausted and just wanted to lay down when Kyle came in and said that Luis and
Milagros needed my help doing dishes so down again I went to Bewilder.
As that Luis had made French Fries
all day, none of the dishes had really been done and it took me two hours to do
up all the serving trays and dishes, pots and pans and just when I was about
done, Kyle came in with 50 pound bag of potatoes that needed prepared into
French Fries. Since they had to take back over the sinks, I was done and said I
was going home.
I guess Kyle is changing the
schedule again and Johana will be going in at 9 from now on to do prep work
before the business opens. So I guess I will be taking her at 9 from now on
after taking Brian to School. However on Monday, Yolanda will be going with her
and taking Chuito.
Tomorrow Kyle and I are meeting at
Papi’s to go over him getting caught up on his car payment and seeing what more
is needed to finish the bedrooms. I know we will need flooring and doors which
will be around $1000.
I went to bed not knowing what
Adrian decided so I have no idea whether Kyle will be suicidal tomorrow or not.
11 November 2024 Monday
When
I went downstairs to use the bathroom, the door to Kyle’s bedroom was locked. I
guess that shows what Adrian’s decision is and it’s going to be a bitch of a
day with Kyle. So after taking Brian to school and Johana, Yolanda, and Chuito
to Bewilder I went down to Papis to face Kyle. I was going to get him caught up
on the Volvo but the bank was closed today due to Veterans day.
Kyle was typing up an ultimatum for
Adrian which was a way of his of still not letting go. He basically said that
Adrian could use the bedroom if he was willing to pay $600 a month and sign a
lease by the end of the week or he would allow Adrian back and he needed to
come get his things. I know people do
stupid things when hurting. But I didn’t
interfere as I mainly wanted to keep Kyle from having a meltdown. Well when he
sent the message off to Adrian that set Adrian off and he responded back that
he would come get his things and said we were kicking him out which we had no
real intention of doing but Kyle cannot handle Adrian’s indecisions.
We then went to Bewilder because
Kyle informed Johana and Yolanda what he had sent to Adrian just so they knew
exactly what was said in case Adrian tells them differently. Johana actually
said we should have done this long before.
Well Adrian said he was coming to
the house after work to get his things and Kyle didn’t want me there in case
they had another ugly confrontation. The
wind was whipping around with leaves that were left on trees being blown
through the street and it was 70 degrees so a storm must be coming through.
Anyway I didn’t want Brian to be at the
house with the two of them there hashing out what they needed to so after
picking him up I took Brian to McDonalds and bought us some late lunch as I
hadn’t eaten since early this morning. I then took him to the library thinking
he might play on the computers there but instead it stressed him being there
and he was crying to go home. Since it was after 3:30 I hoped whatever was
being discussed at the house was settled but it wasn’t so I took Brian to Milagros’
apartment to stay for a while.
I came back to the house and Adrian
was still there so I took the pups for a walk and fed them in my room before
Kyle came in to say Adrian had left. Kyle sat with me for nearly an hour and I
just listened to him being so conflicted about Adrian and his businesses and
life in general.
I finally said, whether Adrian is in
our lives or not, we have a family now we must look after. That was our
decision. Adrian is hung up on coming back here, having to pay rent which was
never a condition of mine but is a deal breaker for Kyle because he wants
Adrian to sacrifice some like we all are.
Kyle is so disconnected about his
feelings and he wants me to do what he wants and I said I only want to do that
brings harmony to the house that I love both Adrian and Kyle and it seems that whatever
I decide it hurts one of them. He did say Adrian wants to talk to me tomorrow
but I don’t know what to say that won’t upset the one or the other.
Then to top the day off Milagros
called and said she was not going in today because she was “tired” so we had to
take Yolanda back to work her shift. The
day was bad but not awful as I had expected.
Kyle and I did go to Lowes earlier
and bought a door for Yolanda’s new room and Maria and Jesus came over in the
evening to do some touch ups. We didn’t have time to pick out the flooring so
that will be a tomorrow thing.
Mike Romero said he has mice and I
was going to get a trap for him but Lowes was all out of the ones I like. I have to babysit Coco this Thursday for
Mike’s doctor appointment.
12 November 2024 Tuesday
Well
I saved Kyle’s butt again on this damp, snowy day. It was raining but quickly
turned to snow when I took Brayan. I know this was Yolanda, Brayan and
Gabriel’s first snow ever although pretty sure Johana and Jesus saw snow last
spring.
After taking Johana to Bewilder I
went down to Papi’s with Kyle having a complete melt down over his finances.
Just the other day he assured me that the businesses were good places but now I
don’t know what to believe. Cody McKendrick from Bewilder said that billing for
this week would be held up unless Kyle came up with $3300 which Kyle said was
totally unexpected. I had come to Papi’s to see what we could do to keep his
Volvo from being repossessed and so I paid $400 for that. Then to keep Kyle
from imploding we went to the Pioneer Branch America first and had a cashier
check made out to Bewilder.
We dropped that off after buying
some food items we went back to Papis while Kyle tried to figure how to hold it
all together. Sebastian came back yesterday so at least Kyle didn’t have to
deal with the car wash although it being snowy and rainy all day there really
wasn’t any business.
I thought we were going to get
flooring today but that went out the window as that Kyle had to go pick Brayan
up to take him to a nonprofit pediatric eye examination place to get new
glasses for the one he broke.
Any way at that point I went home to
rest and then around 3:30, Kyle hit me with the news that he owed over $9000 to
the Papi’s landlord or he was going to kick Kyle out. After all the fucking
money Kyle spent on that car wash we couldn’t just abandon it so we went to the
credit Union to get a cashier check. This morning I had nearly $21,000 in my
savings and now I am down to less than $9,000.
I am totally tapped out now and am not willing to pay anymore for any of
Kyle’s businesses. At this point I have to take care of me until I die. If Kyle
loses all his businesses and all the family have to find new jobs, I have to
take care of me and the pups now.
Anyway Kyle dropped me off at
Bewilder because a party was coming in at 5 and when I was there at 4, I was
shocked how that no dishes had been done at all, and Johana was leaving at the
end of her shift leaving Maria there until Luisana comes in.
I knew Kyle would have a shitting
cow if he saw the condition of the place so I jumped in and stacked all the
pots and pans and trays and bowls so I could clean out the sinks to fill them
with water. I wiped down all the counters that were left and worked furiously
to get the area cleared and clean so Kyle wouldn’t see how it was.
Two new guys were hired today named
Jose and Daniel, because Milagros is probably going to quit or work part time
and Kyle has created a new work schedule
13 November 2024 Wednesday
I
just want to die as I am weary of life. My foot really hurt this morning and
all day I can hardly walk on it but I had to take “Brayan” to school and then
go into North Salt Lake to take Johana into work. I am so tired I can hardly
think straight. The concrete guy was supposed to come this Afternoon but I
haven’t heard from him. Kyle wanted me to go with him to get supplies for
Bewilder as I guess they had a very busy night.
Kyle is on the verge of a nervous breakdown
and I am just worn out. A statement from Fidelity came today and it confirmed
my worst fears that Kyle emptied my 401 K of $65,000 so that is gone. Well I was
going to leave it all to him anyway. I went downstairs and didn’t blow up. I
just wanted the truth and he said he spent it doing all the improvements at
Papi’s. Then I got a message from Utah First Credit that he’s behind on another
HELOC payment. I have no idea how much.
Adrian came over this afternoon to
speak with his mother but as that I am a ghost I have no idea what they spoke
about.
Mike Romero called me this afternoon
and needs me to come over tomorrow at 12:30 to babysit Coco while he goes sees Dr.
Stoneburner.
The Concrete guy came over to look
at the wall and said he will come over this Saturday to fix it and it will be
about $200. Now that I don’t have any reserves, everything seems like a lot. I
am worried that I will have a huge tax bill next April that I have no idea how
to pay. It would be easier just to fade away.
I went to bed to lay down and Jesus
came over to finish the wall and around 7:30, Adrian and Kyle came up to see me
to tell me that Adrian is moving back in with Kyle downstairs. I hugged them
both and was happy but so much has happened that I just want to let the world
continue on without me. At a certain age, little brings much joy when you feel
useless. It’s been two years since Kyle met Adrian at Club Verse and brought
him home and into our lives.
14 November 2024 Thursday
My
foot hurt so bad I could only hobble around for much the day. At certain age your wellbeing can change on a
dime. I did nothing to damage my foot but now it's so painful to put weight on
it when I stand... oh well I should stop
complaining as it doesn’t change a thing. Almost all my friends are dealing
with their own health issues as we grow older. We, who are still here survived
AIDS and Covid 19 so everything else is a piece of cake.
I had to take Brian to school and then
Johana over to the Grove Apartments where Milagros lives as she is filling out
an application to see if she can move in there. I waited 45 minutes in the cold
car until taking her off to work before coming back home to rest.
At 12:30 I went over to Mike
Romero’s to sit with Coco while he went to his doctor’s appointment. He had
King Kong on so I watched it the whole time but I had to leave at 2:25 so I
could go pick up Brian from school. Mike had called and said he was on the way
home so Coco wasn’t alone long. Her hump is really draining a lot and she seems
to be much more active even walking on her own now.
However I think Lulubelle is in decline.
She won’t eat and she wanders around like she is in a daze and had really lost
weight. I don’t want her to suffer but I am not sure whether her time has come
or not. I don’t want to think about it yet.
I didn’t see Kyle or Adrian much today,
not that it matters as that I am not feeling all that well.
Two years ago I was constructing stages
and seating at Club Verse and now it’s closed. Nothing last forever just
the stardust that makes us, us. Enjoy
the ride and be good to yourself and each other.
15 November 2024 Friday
It's been 2 years now that Adrian
Villalobos my "Backstreet Boys" biggest fan, came to live in the
House of the Barking Dogs. My first inclination was that there was some kid
downstairs when I heard "I Want it That Way" blasting throughout the
house lol. I can't imagine him not part of the family now. Since he came in my
life, we have helped his two sisters, their husbands, his 5 nephews and nieces,
his invalid brother and most of all his mother start a new life. One that
hateful Republicans would destroy.
As I am winding down, my life has been
full of new beginnings as well as sad endings.
However I know every ending is someone else’s new beginning. When it's my time to fade away at least I know
I tried to do some good in this old world among so much hateful selfishness.
The bottom of my foot felt less
painful this morning almost like it’s gone away but not quite. But enough to
walk the pups twice without hobbling.
Now that Adrian has come back home,
he’s parking back in the garage. It’s been so frosty in the mornings now that I
went out at 7 to scrape the car a bit to drive it back into the garage to run
the defrost and clear the windows before taking Brian to school. Not sure why I
bothered because I got a phone call at 9 to go pick him up as he had a headache
because he doesn’t have his glasses.
However as soon as he came home he was well enough to play video games
all afternoon.
Those were the only times I left the
house and except to type some of the Romeros research. I was in bed much of the
time, not feeling well or perhaps depressed. I took Lulubelle out this
afternoon with the other pups for a walk but she was in such a daze like she
didn’t know where she was so I just picked her up and held her in my arms
around the block. It may be the last time we go walking together again. She
hasn’t eaten in the past few days, barely drinks water, and when she’s not
wandering she just sleeps. She doesn’t seem to be in any pain, but completely
unaware of her surroundings. She is not
getting any better. I am just monitoring her.
Kyle came home around 5:30 and came
up to see Lulubelle and to hold her. I know he was hoping she was just going
through some issues but now he can see that she has lost so much weight and is
fading. Kyle even hugged me and kissed my head which is more affection than he
had ever shown me from years before.
He and Adrian went out to dinner to
commemorate their 2nd anniversary from when they first met. Adrian
is still slightly distant from me and I am not sure whether he’s still hurt by
me or is embarrassed by his actions that caused so much turmoil and uproar.
Maybe a little of both. I love him but I can’t deal with the drama anymore as
it has taken too much out of me but what will be will be. I am more concerned
right now with Lulubelle’s welfare.
When Kyle came home from dinner he
came up to see me to tell me that Bewilder did twice as much business this week
than it did last week and evidently the homemade pretzels are a hit because we
keep running out of them.
16 November 2024 Saturday
I
left the house about 8 this morning to go to America First Credit Union to pull
out $200 to pay for the repair of the driveway wall that Adrian crashed into.
It was cloudy and a bit rainy and snowed slightly so I wasn’t even sure the guy
was coming over today.
I am still rather depressed and
worried about Lulubelle. She is not doing well nor getting better. She's
probably 14 years old and is shutting down. I have had her for 8 years as a rescue and
gave her the best life I could. Tomorrow it will be 8 years since
when I was asked to foster "Cupcake". She was about 5 or 6 years old
then. I wrote at the time "We [the pups and I] will see how it goes and
hopefully get her into a good home who has time for her. The best way I can
honor Lucky, Daisy and Farley is by helping these little sweet hearts find good
homes."
I
was a foster failure and ended up adopted her and now can’t imagine her not
being a part of my little troop of pups. I was told at
the time she was a surrender because her owners did not have time for
her. I think she was really surrendered
because of her bladder issues because she is a puddle maker, so a mop should
have come with her. I was such a sucker.
How could I let her go? I renamed her Lulu Belle after adopting her.
She doesn't recognize anything anymore
and won't eat or drink. She's lost at least 5 lbs. in the last week. Yesterday I
tried walking her hoping the exercise would do her some good but she just
stopped like she didn't know what was going on. So I just picked her up and
carried her in my arms for probably our last walk together.
She doesn’t seem to be in any pain just sleeping a lot.
She often will get up and wander in a daze then fall down where ever to sleep.
I know next week I will have decide if it's time for her to cross that Rainbow
to join Buster, Harleigh, Buddy, Farley, Lucky, Daisy, Priscilla, Smokey,
Saffy, and Oscar.
When Kyle came home he asked if I
would go with him to run some errands for Bewilder. While there, the concrete
guy said he was there at the house to fix the break. I was kind of anxious that
we weren’t there when he came but we were home soon enough and he was working
on it.
When Adrian came home he helped Kyle
unload all the tile flooring for the bedrooms and brought them all upstairs so
I guess that will happen soon. Adrian barely interacts with me anymore which
makes me so sad but life is full of sorrow. He’s home where he belongs.
Carlos Bahena came to look at the
job done and he was pleased with it so that is one more thing finally
accomplice. Kyle said Adrian was going to pay for it but he didn’t offer so I
went ahead. I suppose money won’t do me any good in the grave.
Well fortunately whatever was causing
excruciating pain in my foot nearly crippling me has subsided which was
depressing me among all the woes and worries over fascism in this country. I
never took anything for the pain which I should have done I supposed. Kyle has been hurting a lot lately due to his
cracked rib so I gave him the pain pills I never used that the dentist had
prescribed for me. He said they seemed to help.
I wonder what America will have to
suffer besides the loss of individual freedom for embracing fascism? The Germans,
Italians, and the Japanese all paid a terrible price for their embrace of fascism.
I just need to hope that the half of the country, who weren’t deceived by a
madman will put up a resistance to the ultra-right’s pact with the devil and who
sold out America for the price of eggs.
Making America Great Again i guess means
white men are again allowed to Rape, Plunder, Pillage, Ravish, Exploit, and
Deceive without consequences....The Republican Dream but an American nightmare.
I need to take a hiatus from the circus
for a while so I am not listening to the news anymore since the election. We all
know we have hit an iceberg. Nothing we can do about that since fascists are in
charge now of all 3 branches of government and have all the lifeboats just for
the billionaires. I hope people just try to survives physically and mentally
and try to keep other safe during the next four years. Who knows when another
Covid like epidemic will hit with the crazy ass Kennedy in charge of crashing the CDC. Even
his own family warned us against him.
17 November 2024 Sunday
It
was a tearful day as Lulubelle passed away this afternoon in her bed. She was
probably 14 years old and had been shutting down for days. I was going to take
her to be put down tomorrow just to end her decline after I found her outside
on the deck shivering in the cold. I had
been keeping her in my bedroom, either on the bed or her own little pad but she
must have wander out while my back was turned.
I had looked up information on the Humane Society even to call and make
an appointment for her.
Johana and Jesus had come by this
afternoon to take Brian and Gabriel with them so only Yolanda and Chuito were
home. Kyle had left at 11 to show Jose the new guy at Bewilder how to make
Pretzels and didn’t come back to the house until after 2:30 when Adrian came
home.
I stopped typing to check on her in
her closet bed and she seems so still with eyes half closed I reached for her
and found she was gone but still warm. I immediately called Kyle hardly able to
get the words out that Lulubelle had died. He rushed up stairs and sat on the
bed sobbing so hard. I picked Lulubelle up and cradled her one last time and
she was limp. Adrian came up to see Kyle holding Lulubelle and grieving with
copious sobs. I know he loved her most of all the pups.
We knew what we had to do and wanted
to do it before the boys came home so I wrapped her up and we took her down to
where the others are buried. Kyle dug a big hole and we gently placed her in
the hole, covered her before filling in the dirt. We buried her by the pink
rose bush where we buried Buster and where I had interred all the remains of my
other pups. I replaced the bricks around the little burial ground by the steps
and place markers on top to know where not to dig. I was as stoic as I could be
doing what had to be done. She will
always be home here now.
I
had her for 8 years as a rescue and gave her the best life I could. It was exactly 8
years ago today since I was asked to foster "Cupcake". She was about 5 or 6 years old then. I was a foster failure and ended up adopting
her and I renamed her Lulu Belle.
I was told at the time she was a
surrender because her owners did not have time for her. I think she was really surrendered because of her bladder
issues because she was a puddle maker..
For the past days she didn't recognize
anything anymore and wouldn't eat or drink. She had lost at least 5 lbs. even
and was really thin. .I noticed a change in her a couple of weeks ago becoming
listless and had even thrown up a few times. She didn't seem to be in any pain
just sleeping a lot. But she would often
get up and wander in a daze then fall down to sleep where ever to sleep.
Towards the end I don’t think she recognized me or knew who I was.
Compared to yesterday it was a bright
blue sky day and not chilly at all for the sad task we had to accomplish. So today. she crossed that Rainbow Bridge to join Buster, Harleigh, Buddy, Farley,
Lucky, Daisy, Priscilla, Smokey, Saffy, and Oscar.
I am heartbroken but have three others
that depend on me to carry on. No matter
of time can erase the memory of a good dog.
In someways I am relieved that she
went before me so I know she was cared for until the end. I just fed three pups
tonight but Taco didn’t’ eat his supper by the time I went to bed.
Kyle came up to my room this evening
and stared at the empty spot where Lulubelle passed away. He said the hardest
thing was laying her in the ground as a final goodbye.
18 November 2024 Monday
Kyle
said he thinks he might have pneumonia so he went into urgency care but they
said he just had a bad virus. So after he came home he went to bed and I
brought him some chicken soup. I took Brian and Johana to school and work,
walked the pups twice and fed them although they don’t seem to like the food
much. I wonder if they are wondering where Lulubelle has gone as we took her
away so quickly to bury her. Getting used to only putting 3 food bowls out for
supper...grief comes in waves but mostly remembering joy and what a character
she could be. Sometimes I wish I could just join her. The world will wag on without me in it.
19 November 2024 Tuesday
I
don’t know how much I can take of Adrian and Kyle’s bickering. I took Brayan to
school and Johana Pereira to work this morning and when I came home I walked to
dogs. Kyle was up about 9 all fucked up again because Adrian didn’t spend the
night and didn’t tell Kyle where he was. I really don’t care anymore to get
involved. If both of them are so damned fucked up then there’s little I can do
about that. Kyle is crazy with jealousy.
Off he went to get chemicals for Papis
and I didn’t see him all day until late in the afternoon. I was really upset
that Kyle was adamant that he wanted Adrian gone. When Adrian came home he came
and talked to me and swore he was over at his girlfriend’s house and that he
hadn’t seen Juan Pablo in 6 days and he is through with him and wants to be
part of the family but Kyle is so damn jealous. Kyle didn’t want to come back
to the house if Adrian was there so I just stayed out of it. After two Kyle did
come home bringing home Brayan’s new glasses and he and Adrian went down to
their room. I had to go pick Brayan up from school and after dropping him off
at the house I went over to Mike Romero’s as he need assistance hanging a
poster.
Walgreens had a sale on making
enlarged posters out of photographs. He had one of Coco made into a 3 foot by 2
feet poster that he framed but needed help hanging it because he couldn’t see
well enough to do that. I went over and saw that the way he had the frame was flimsy
so I secured it better to hang and also went to ACE hardware on 3rd
West to get some picture wire which worked a lot better trying to hang the
frame against the wall. The poster was not heavy, pretty light and it made Mike
happy to have a huge poster of his beloved Coco.
I returned home after that and saw
that Kyle and Adrian were still downstairs but I didn’t hear any fussing and
fighting and later they both left the house. Learned later they went to
Bewilder and the place was slammed for about an hour with some book club
reading going on there.
Yolanda went to work so Gabriel was
home to look after Brayan and Chuito all evening. Brayan was a chatterbox
blasting his games in the front room while I laid in bed trying to rest and I
thought I never thought in my old age I would have such going on in my house.
It made me happy that the house was alive with laughter and boisterousness.
Kyle told Brayan he had to turn in
his phone to me at 8 from now on so he can wind down and get ready for bed on a
school night. Children need structure as well as love. I think Gabriel is one
of the sweetest kind person I know for his age. He just dotes on his invalid
uncle. So unlike his cousin Luis Jr.
Kyle called after I was already in bed
to call it a day to ask if Brayan turned in his phone, to say how busy Bewilder
was and that Adrian was even down there and is trying to make amends.
November must be the month I adopt
dogs...first Lucky, then Lulubelle, then Buster... all gone now.
Nine years ago today in 2015 I brought home one very sweet dog that I
sprung from jail...he was picked up in West Valley on a vagrancy charge... He
was in the pokey until I paid his bail and brought him home to join Daisy and
Buddy my two schnauzers... Bill Poore named him Lucky but I was the Lucky
one...he would not go to bed until I did... and always had to be by my side
always...
I lost this sweet boy in February 2016
and days later Daisy had a seizure and died also. I only had Buddy left so I
decided to foster rather than grieve. So along came Harleigh, Maxx, TJ, Farley,
Lulubelle, and Buster... I was not much good at Fostering...only two, Marley
and Wiley, was I able find good forever homes...Marley went to a Gay couple and
Wiley was adored by a mother daughter team of schnauzer lovers.
I am fortunate to have had my little
puddle maker Lulubelle for 8 years. We buried her next to the house and pink
rose bush so as this will be her forever home.
No amount of time can erase the memory of a
good dog.
20 November 2024 Wednesday
This
evening Kyle started working laying the flooring in the small bedroom. I had no
idea what it all involved as I thought it was going to go together like Pergo
flooring but no Kyle is laying down actual tile that has to be mortared in and
what a labor intensive job. I am really rather pissed that Adrian picked out
this flooring knowing that Kyle would be doing it all. We worked for a couple
of hours and only got a third of it done. It’s such a mess and to clean up. It
will be days before just that room gets finished.
21 November 2024 Thursday
I
was up early to take Brian and Johana to school and work but they weren’t here.
I never know what is going on and I know Kyle is frustrated also but I think
everyone is doing the best they can. So Kyle asked me to come down at 11 so I
brought drinks and lunch for him and we went and got some drinks. I was
surprised that Luis Jr. was down at Papis.
I brought a couple of things back to
Bewilder afterwards and bought a Belgium waffle maker at Target for $16 on
sale. I had looked previously at Walmart and D.I. but they had nothing that
suited me. I also bought a birthday card for Adrian as his birthday is
tomorrow. Kyle has movie tickets to go see Wicked and I guess they will go out
for dinner at Rodizio Grill.
Kyle was home by 4:30 and I helped
him with tiling the small bedroom for about two hours and we got up to the
closet. We will hopefully finish Saturday and Sunday.
22 November 2024 Friday
Today
is Adrian’s 27th birthday. I gave a nice card and $40. I made him an
apple pie also that no one ate. Oh well.
I woke up from strange, unusual
dream last night. I wonder what was going on in my head?
I
took Brian and Johana to school and work then went down to Walmart to buy some
depends using my Medicare plan but it didn’t go through which when I called
about it later found out that the benefit was quarterly not monthly like I
thought. So I just ended up buy some groceries items instead.
I later went to Luckys and bought
some soda pop that was on sale as all the coca cola was gone and only 1 can of
Dr. Pepper was left. I also bought a ham that was on sale also.
In the evening it was just me and
Gabriel as that Kyle took Adrian, Yolanda, and Brian out to dinner at Rodizio
Grill. They came home around 9 and I am not sure whether Kyle and Adrian made
it to see Wicked. I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to stir up shit in case they didn’t
.
I made some popcorn on the stove and
went to bed by 8 but just looked at Facebook and played Spider on my tablet
before going to bed around 10. I don’t know what happened after that.
For
a couple of years about 10 years ago I would help Ken Burnett at the
First Baptist Church with their Thanksgiving dinners. It was tiresome being on
my feet in the kitchen doing prep work and a lot of chopping, gravy making,
whatever I was asked to do. We had a lot of helpers but Ken and I mainly had
institutional cooking skills as I was once a dormitory cook at UC Irvine.
The 1st Baptists are a Gay affirming
church and they had let us use their cultural hall for our Gay Men Aloud meetings... So it was nice that Greg Allen,
Joel Jay Vallar, Robert Edward Cross, and Kent Scadlock, went down to help out
and show our appreciation...
I threw a lot of Thanksgiving Dinners together
for the Gay community back in the 80s at MCC and 1st Unitarians back as a
younger man. They were good times trying to build a sense of community. Service to others is a good thing..
For those Liars who claim that the
Felon has a mandate, he only won by 1.65
percent over Harris and only . 4987 out of a percent of the 154,190,329
votes that were cast.
Harris had 74,391,441 and the Felon had
76,898,772. So 2.5 million people voted for the Felon over than Harris.
Therefore .016 of the American population decided that a felon should be in
charge of this country.
The Republican did a number on the
American people by purging the voter
rolls of over 800,000 in the key so called battleground states. AZ purged 5 %,
FL 2.4%, GA 4.2, MI 2 %, NV 10%, OH 4% PA 3.7 %. Republican controlled
Mississippi purged 1,487, 000 more than
California's 1,320,000.
As of September 2024, 36 million voters
were registered Republicans.
Based on 2024 data, the nation has
around 45.1 million Democrats. That leaves around 73 million unaffiliated or
their states doesn't require them to declare a party. Some are 3rd Party
affiliated of course.
The bottom line is the Electoral College
rigged for winner take all even if by the smallest of margins.
I have to take heart that barely half of
Americans do not care about preserving our Democracy. Still it is going to be a bumpy if nor
catastrophic next 4 years..
23 November 2024 Saturday
Adrian
didn’t go to work today but I didn’t see him at all as he stayed downstairs.
When Kyle and I went to get our drinks, Kyle said he thinks Adrian is in his
depressed mood swing again and is mad at his sisters for not doing anything for
his birthday which in reality he brought upon himself for fighting with them
over his affair with Juan Pablo. Kyle was upset because Adrian basically
ignored his mother at Rodizio Grill giving all his attention to his friend
Gabriella who went with them.
Kyle then said that after the new
year he wants to break up with Adrian for good which made me think then why did he have such a melt
down over Adrian being with Juan Pablo and putting us all through hell? I think
they both must be crazy. I didn’t say a word about it.
Nothing got done in the bedrooms,
which I thought we were going to do.
24 November 2024 Sunday
It’s
been a week now since Lulubelle passed away. It was snowing this morning but by
the afternoon it had all melted and it was a clear beautiful day. TJ didn’t
want to go on the morning walk when it was snowing out.
Kyle came home disturbed with Luisana
Negron as she quit Bewilder because she found a boyfriend who said he would
take care of her but she has kept him a secret from her family. It sure sounded
familiar to what Adrian did with Juan Pablo. Kyle had hired two Latin guys,
named Daniel and Jose and he is going to give Daniel Lusiana’s hours. Then
Sebastian Johnson from Papi’s let Kyle know he was quitting for good also but
Kyle thinks he can give Jose that position with some training. So change is everywhere.
Kyle asked if I minded not having
Thanksgiving this year and I said I hadn’t really planned on it anyway with the
house so discombobulated.
When Kyle finally got his chores
done with his businesses this morning, in the afternoon he finally got around
to working in the two bedrooms. He mainly laid down the subflooring for
Adrian’s room.
I guess Johana will find out
tomorrow whether they have been approved at the Grove where Milagros lives. If
so I guess the boys will be moving out so that it will be just Yolanda and
Chuito here.
I don’t post much about the felon’s
dumpster fire because there is little if nothing I can do or say at this point.
Besides between Russia, North Korea, and Iran they will probably blow up the
world.
25 November 2024 Monday
It
was a frosty morning when I took Brian and Johana to school and work. I
shouldn’t have to be scraping my windshields at my age when I have a garage but
it is what it is. I went down to Papi’s with drinks and Kyle’s lunch and Jose
was in the office so I hope that was working out. He’s bilingual so that is
what Kyle needed.
Back at the house I worked on the
computer until it was time to go retrieve Brian and Kyle said to stay with
Brian so get a turkey that the school was giving away to needy families. So I
stood in line with Bryan along with about 60 or more families outside in the
chilly damp air. I was the only Anglo in line with everyone one else Latino or
Polynesian. I wasn’t sure why Kyle wanted me to get the free turkey as we
decided not to have Thanksgiving this year. Anyway the giveaway also included a
roasting pan, boxed dressing, and cans of corn and green beans. It was a half
an hour standing in the cold to receive the bag.
I was surprised that Kyle came home
around 3:30 to starting working in Yolanda’s room to finish up the flooring and
Adrian came home shortly after that. I thought he was in a good mood and even
came in and spoke to me calling me his grandfather. I heard him laughing with his family but then
things took a turn. While Kyle was working Adrian came in to the space and
started getting heated at Kyle, which of course I couldn’t understand so I
asked Adrian to leave him alone so Kyle could work and not get agitated. So he
left and Kyle said Adrian was upset or jealous of Jose working at Papi’s.
Well that set Kyle off but he
continued to work until later when Adrian left with Gabriel, I heard Kyle and
Adrian yelling at each other outside. I told Adrian just to leave with Gabriel
to diffuse whatever they are fusing about.
When Adrian returned later I had
already got into bed when he came in to talk. He basically said he knows he is
too young and immature to have a relationship with either Juan Pablo or Kyle
and he needed to concentrate on his work and himself. I thought that was wise and that he didn’t
want to sleep downstairs anymore and Kyle had already told me earlier that he
didn’t want Adrian downstairs in his space either. He barely left my room when all hell broke
out.
I haven’t lost my shit in years if ever
but this evening I came unglued and scream at both Kyle and Adrian, out of
control yelling for them to stopped their goddamn bickering and fighting. I am
sick to death of it. All I should have in my so called “golden years” is peace
and harmony instead of this constant adolescent hostility of one minute saying
they love one another and are jealous and the next they are at each other’s
throats.
This insane roller coaster made me go
berserk when Brian and Gabriel called for me to go downstairs when I was
already bed. So I go downstairs and Kyle
is throwing Adrians clothes out of the room and Adrian and Kyle were screaming
at each other in Spanish and I yelled goddamn speak English so I know what the
fuck is going on. I am so sick of them shouting at each other and I haven’t a
clue what they are yelling about.
Kyle started yelling at me and for
the first time I screamed in his face back to shut the fuck up and also at
Adrian. I was almost hysterical with rage as I was at a breaking point. I think
they were both shocked to see me going so berserk.
Adrian left to calm the situation
down and I stayed downstairs to have a come to Jesus movement with Kyle who was
adamant about having Adrian out of his life. I said as long as his family is
here, Adrian is not out of our lives but you have to let your emotional state
about him go. He berated me and said all I cared about was having the two
bedrooms finished and I said of course I do but only because getting Adrians
room done will get him out of your space which is what you want and what I
want. He was so volatile but I wasn’t walking on eggshells any more. He kept
saying he felt trap and I said that he created his goddamn trap and being an
adult means dealing with it. I said if you want to abandon everything you have
built go ahead and leave. I will use what money you have left me to pay someone
to finish the rooms. I would have too except he said he would.
When I left for my own room I was
exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think the only thing those
two like more than fucking is fighting no matter the collateral damage.
The only happy news I heard all day
was that Johana and Jesus were approved for their apartment at the Grove and
perhaps by Wednesday they will be moving in. Then the bunk bed will be
dismantled and they can have it for the boys. After that we can get Yolanda’s
bed set up in her room by then and maybe Adrian can sleep in his own bed that’s
in the living room until his room is finished.
Years and years ago Kyle said he
makes a lousy boyfriend and I know that’s true. He called Adrian a cheat and a
liar and I said well so are you. My curse is that I love them both. I am such an old fool.
26 November 2024 Tuesday
Kyle stayed home from Papis although he didn’t
start to work on laying the tile in the large bedroom until after 10:30. I was
up early to Take Brayan and Johana Pereira to school and work this morning and then when Kyle finally got
around to working in the large bedroom I helped him for most of the afternoon
until I had to stop and go pick up Brayan at 2:45. It was rainy for much of the
day. I don’t think Maxx is feeling well as he’s been drinking water all day and
then throwing up. It was dreary out almost
all day.
27 November 2024 Wednesday
Maxx
has lost weight and isn’t eating anymore. His ribs are starting to show. Maxx
is just listless and lost so much interest in his walks and he seems to be in a
daze. Hasn't eaten in 2 days. I know old dogs can fade fast when you least
expect it...I knew that I would start losing them as they were all getting to
be Seniors but it's still difficult to see. I can only hope it's just a virus
or something but at 14 or 15 years it could be most anything. It's only been 10
days since I buried Lulubelle and this seems too soon for another loss so I am hoping he rallies. Until then I will
just love on him
I took the pups for a walk around the
block this morning and seeing Maxx hardly able to make it, I was heartbroken
and I tried calling the Wilson Vet Clinic but no one returned my call as they
were probably closed for the holiday.
When Kyle came up to ask me if I
wanted to go with him shopping I told him how I think Maxx is fading and that I
was so worried I was losing him. So I just stayed home with Maxx until the
afternoon when I knew all the pups had been sleeping all day and Maxx just
zoned out on the bed. Kyle wanted the company I supposed to go get supplies for
Bewilder. Papis closed at noon for the holiday.
Kyle while we were at Papis talked to Cody McKendrick about paying rent
weekly rather than monthly to spread it out and Cody agreed.
Kyle said that Johana got the keys
to their new apartment at the Grove and on the way back home he drove by it so
I could see where it is. It’s the building just behind where Milagros is so
they will be close to each other.
Milagros called in sick this evening
so both Daniel and Jose worked the evening shift and Yolanda went in to help
with the dishes.
I stayed home after that but tried
walking Maxx again and the pups and we just walked really slowly and Maxx just
didn’t seem to be interested in sniffing and just walked beside me. At this one
lawn where always enjoyed laying on his back and wiggling his butt, he stop,
laid down on his back wiggled once then turn over and just laid there. I waited
for him to get up but I had to prompt him.
The rest of the walk we gingerly made it
back home without Maxx usual lagging behind to sniff everything but he was the
first one back to the front door waiting to go back in. Seeing that I knew then
that Maxx had lost any interest in life. I could tell from his eyes that he was
kind of in a daze and barely knew where he was. At one point when I couldn’t
find him in the bedroom he had gone outside and was just sitting outside in the
cold.
28 November 2024 Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
is the worse Thanksgiving Day of my life, between Maxx dying, Kyle having an emotional
melt down, and Adrian angry at me.
I
had a restless night getting up several times to look for Maxx as he
wasn’t in the room. I turned on my phone flashlight and looked for him outside
worried that he might be sitting out in the cold but I found him in the hall
way laying on the floor. I brought him
back to the room and then shortly later he pushed open the door to the deck and
I went looking for him again and then found him wandering around in the front
room. I brought him back to the bedroom and secured closed the doors firmly and
was able to doze off again but I did hear him intermittently throwing up and
drinking water.. I know what I need to do on Friday but dreading it.
I kept Maxx in my bedroom with the door
shut so he wouldn’t wander off but I didn’t walk him only TJ and Taco as he is too
weak and wobbly. He’s still drinking and throwing up. I know it’s just a matter
of time.
This morning, I suppose to take my mind
off of Maxx, I made a Thanksgiving repast of sorts knowing that no one would probably eat it. I
made cornbread dressing topped with dice chicken thighs, candied yams, instant
potatoes, gravy, and corn. I also had a can of cranberry sauce. No body ate any
but the few bites I had but I had no appetite worrying about Maxx
Gabriel and Brian were gone with their
parents at their new apartment all day so it was just Yolanda and Chuito here.
I didn’t hear from Kyle all morning so I called and asked if he wanted to go
get a Dr. Pepper, which we did, but he was in a very foul mood and didn’t want
to have anything to do with anyone. He told me to let Adrian know not to come
to the house or he would go ballistic. Not wanting any more fighting when I am
dealing with the heart break of Maxx, I texted Adrian to ask him not to come to
the house today but he got all defensive and said that it’s his house and that
Kyle is the problem not him. I just could not deal with him so left it at that
but later Adrian came to the house and was yelling at his mother that she
needed to move out with him. He was shouting in Spanish but only learned later
what he had said to her from Kyle.
I just shut my bedroom door and stayed
with Maxx lying next to him on the floor stroking him. I saw that I had a text
from Tyler Ferguson about the withdrawals from Fidelity asking if they were
fraudulent. So I will have to deal with that but not today. I even imagine just
selling the house, paying off all the debts and move in with Mike Romero again.
I was so sick of the grief of living here and all the fighting. I even drove
over to Mike’s around 5:30 to get out of the house but he wasn’t home and I
suppose still at the Giles where he went for Thanksgiving.
Maxx has had 3 seizures today and I
thought he'd pass with each one but he's
still with me although now he's stopped drinking. He hasn't eaten in two days
maybe three. He's very weak. I have been laying with him all day petting him
keeping a hand on him and talking to him. I just want him to know it is okay to
let go. It's hard but trying to be strong for him. What is surprising how
quickly he failed as a week ago he was running around on his walks and being
his old self.
Then around 7, Kyle finally came up to
check on Maxx and he kind of apologized for being so shut down earlier. He said
that tomorrow after taking care of business he would come back to the house and
work on the bedrooms. He said that he talked to Yolanda and Adrian said he was
getting his own apartment but Yolanda wanted to stay here so who knows. My only
concern and thought is being with Maxx and comforting him.
November
is good time and bad time for me...Harleigh and
Lulubelle both passed away in November and I am sure to lose Maxx very
soon. However I adopted both Lulubelle and Buster in November so they show up
on my FB memory feed. It's bitter sweet
Seven years ago today I brought home an
abused old chihuahua to foster. He had been abandoned in the canyon left to
die. He was rescued and i was contacted to foster him which I did. They named him Rocky and he was thought to be
10 or more years old. He’d bite me anytime i came near him as he was so scared
but I realized he needed a permanent home. So I adopted him and just added him
to my pack. I renamed him Buster.
I had him for almost 5 1/2 years and he
died peacefully in his sleep in his little bed. He was loved and cared for in his old age. He
would make me laugh . I miss him but he’s
buried in the back yard near his last home so I know where he is.
Lulubelle is buried near him where I interred
all the remains of my other pups there
also.
“Go with me of difficult journeys. Never
say I can’t bear to watch or Let it happen in my absence. Everything is easier
for me if you are there.”
29 November 2024 Friday
Maxx
struggled all night long, breathing so heavily, with a couple of seizures but
finally at 4.40 this morning he gave out and now he is at rest. Both Lulubelle and Maxx died in their own beds
at home. My good boy is finally at rest. Come daylight he will join the others.
He was such a happy smiley pup. I
adopted him in March 2016 and was the first foster I adopted after both Lucky
and Daisy also both died within weeks of each other.
Maxx fought very hard not to leave me
although I kept assuring him it was okay to cross over. His death was hard but
unless like Daisy who suffered horribly in pain all night until I could rush
her to a vet to end her suffering. She was near death but suffering so that I
had to put her down... that was the absolute worse night of my life being so
helpless.
Well it will be strange to only have two
dogs now and TJ is about 16 with a heart issue. I always thought I'd lose him
before Lulubelle and Maxx. Jim Dabakis' Taco is only about 7 so I am afraid he
will outlive me. I worry about that.
I
am grieving but it's only for this day and not for the everyday for 8 years
that Maxx brought me such happiness.
Bill Poore’s brother Ross sent me this
message tonight... comforting to know this while I was laying down with Maxx. “Happy holiday. Wanted
you to know that Thomas, Bills nephew did me a favor. He spread part of Bills
ashes in the park next to the Stonewall monument. Part of him will be in the
Village for eternity in his honor. Be well. Ross”.
Around 7:30 I just needed to be doing
something for Maxx so I went to the side of the house and started removing the
bricks around my little doggy cemetery and then started digging a grave the
best I could, Kyle came out around 8 and finished digging the hole as the
ground was clay that far down. Then we went to get Maxx and Kyle asked to have
some time to weep over him.
We finished burying Maxx about 8;30 by
the Pink Roses near Lulubelle, Buster, and the others who actually were
cremated. Maxx, Buster, and Lulubelle were the only ones to die at home.
It was a frosty morning but a pretty day
and so grateful no snow and the ground was not frozen. We wrapped him in a shroud and placed a
lily by his side. He now can rest with the
rest of the gang.
After doing the mournful chore I took
Taco and TJ for a walk around the block and it was melancholy for me to see all
the spots that made Maxx so happy.
I always had a leash on him but let him
trail as he wanted because he was always a good boy who would come when I
called. At least he won't have to deal with ice and snow this winter.
And I will always know where he is.
Maxx never went a day at the house without
food, clean water, a yard to play in, doggy companions, a bed to sleep in and
daily walks where he loved to flop on his back and wiggle his back on the
grass. He had plenty of hugs and love and a bay window that he could look out
and bark at anyone who dared walk on the sidewalk in front of the house.
The House of the Barking Dogs will be a
little quieter now and empty but I am grateful this Thanksgiving to spend time
with Maxx before he needed to leave us behind.
When I wrote this earlier I had no idea
how by the end of the day the house would be completely quiet.
This morning after burying Maxx, Kyle
and I went to work in the large bedroom laying down most of the tiling. Kyle
wanted to get most of it done before Adrian got off work at 2:00 because he didn’t
want to be at the house with Adrian. So we finished around 1:30 and he went off
to his businesses to do payroll and shop for Bewilder.
Kimberlee Gile wrote me “I was just
reading your recent posts to Randy, and we both started crying for you. We had lost Jack, my Nana, and then Mulan in
2014. It just shreds your heart. My Nana lived a full, long, beautiful life, so
it was sad but also expected. Losing our dogs was like losing a chunk of our
hearts. Breathing through the sobbing became a challenge. I am so very sorry
for your heart today. Your babies have the best dad and best home. I may be in
the neighborhood later today to drop off something for Girl Scouts. Would you
mind if I stop by just to give you a big hug at your doorstep? I know your home
is full and busy, so I don’t need to come in. I just want to see you even for
just a minute.” I responded certainly and she did with her mom Gay and
granddaughter Shirley. Kimberley brought by some lilies over and to say how sorry they were about Maxx passing. Their
sweet granddaughter wrote me a card and gave me a toy pup. They met Yolanda and
Chuito and I had them come in to sit down and we had a good catch up visit. We
will always be like family.
Adrian came home around 3:30 after
Kimberlee left and he seemed distant but said he was sorry about Maxx. I left
him alone with his mom after telling him that Kyle said the rooms would be done
by Monday for them to move in but he didn’t say anything.
I had a lot of sweet messages giving me condolences
over Maxx and I took TJ and Taco on their walk with memories of Maxx with every
step. I think Taco was missing Maxx, not being with us as he kept looking
behind where Maxx would bring up the rear.
Adrian had left and Yolanda went off to
work leaving Gabriel hear to be with Chuito and around 6 I get a call from Kyle
saying that Adrian had parked in the garage in his spot and he said that he
thought Adrian was trying to cause a situation and that Kyle was going to go
spend the night at a motel rather than confront him.
So I went and asked Adrian why he was
parked in the garage in Kyles spot and he just said that Kyle doesn’t own the
spot and anyone can park there. He was being such an ass to me and I said that
this is still my house and I get to say who uses the garage and the he starts
yelling at me that I always take Kyle’s side and that he was leaving for good.
He had been on the phone shouting to his mom at work I think and I finally blew
up how insensitive he was with me having dealt with Maxx this morning that I
told him to leave rather than fight so then he blew up and said he was leaving
tonight and taking his mom and Chuito with him and never coming back.
I called Kyle and related what Adrian
had said and then I snapped and just needed to leave. I gathered up TJ and Taco
and took them to my car and drove off.
I wanted to go over to Mike Romeros to
get away and maybe spend the night because I was just a breaking point. The
garage door pass code at Mike’s wouldn’t work and I kept calling him but he
would not answer his phone. I was so pissed that he’s never there when I need
him.
Kyle kept calling me and finally I
called him back just to weary to care anymore. He wanted me to come back
home and that he brought Yolanda home
from Bewilder to calm Adrian down but before I could get home Kyle said that
Adrian was packing his car with all their things.
When I came home Adrian was gone but I
just went up the backsteps into my room and brought the dogs to bed with me. I
couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Kyle then confronted Adrian and took off
and had called the police because Adrian had taken a hammer to the door handle downstairs.
I didn’t know any of this until Adrian came into my room and said the police
were at the door. Kyle then called me and said to tell the police that
everything was okay. I wearily went to meet the police and explained that it
was just an emotional breakup and that no one was harmed or assaulted. Yolanda,
Adrian, and I stood out in the driveway while the police officers took a
statement and called Kyle to make sure he was okay with what I had explained.
Yolanda came to me and we hugged and cried and I kissed her hand as I said good
bye as Adrian drove off with his mother and brother.
They were gone when Kyle came back to
the house and came back upstairs where we talked about the new reality. He said
that he thought the family would drift away from us in order to keep a
relationship with Adrian.
I was just too fatigued to care much
anymore but the house was emptied of all their belongings and it seemed so very
quiet and empty.
It truly was a black Friday. So the two year adventure with the Venezuelan
Columbians has come to an end. The house is back to being the way it was before
I invited them into my heart. But As Kyle said, what more could we have done for
them that we haven’t done? How can we truly have a relationship with them anymore
without Adrian? All I know right now is grief but also relief. Relief that Maxx
is no longer suffering and perhaps the rancor in the house will be over. I just need to let go myself of worrying
about the Villalobos any longer if I can. I am an old man and they will need to
figure it all out without me.
Earlier when Kimberlee was here I told
her how grateful I was to have Yolanda and the family here so I had people to
look after me some, but how quickly that all has changed because Adrian is so
emotionally unstable and willing to disrupt every one’s lives for his own.
30 November 2024 Saturday
It’s
after 1 in the morning and I can’t sleep
any longer. I got up and typed up some of my sorrows. I truly feel like
a ghost in the house now with everyone one gone. It’s been a horrible shitty
month with the Felon being re-elected, Lulubelle and Maxx passing away, the
constant strife between Adrian and Kyle, and now back to an empty house.
Yesterday when Kyle came in to visit
we felt deflated and defeated. Where to pick up the pieces of our shattered
lives. Kyle said he knew when Adrian
returned the last time it was out of resignation, not that he really wanted to
be here anymore. He is certain that the hopes and dreams of having a little
family is gone, and the crew will drift away since Adrian is no longer involved
in our lives to anchor them with us. He said that he had grown so much from
this experience even becoming monogamous for Adrian and becoming a family man
through it all.
He was worried that Taco will need a
companion but I said that I didn’t want any more pups that these are my last
ones that I want to be responsible for until I pass on. When he left to go back
to Bewilder to help since he had taken
Yolanda away, he leaned over and hugged me and kissed my forehead. Adrian as he left earlier held me and kissed
my forehead and said he loved me as he left.
I feel so superfluous.
Mike Romero called me this morning
returning my calls finally but I couldn’t talk to him as I was not upset just
choking up on my words. He said the battery in the garage open was dead and
that is why it wouldn’t work for me and for some reason my calls last night weren’t
going through to his phone. Oh well it was just as well as I was home.
The house seem so empty now and the beds
in the front room are all stripped. As I looked around the cupboards were
emptied of food they had brought making it seems even more desolate. I fixed
some breakfast this morning of pancakes, not that I was hungry probably just
anxious.
I walked TJ and Taco and then
gathered up some of Brians things left here and some rice and chicken dish
Yoland had left here. I drove down to Papis but Kyle wasn’t there but I saw
Tutu and Gabriel there so I gave what I had to Tutu to takeback to the Grove.
I came back home and called Kyle to
see if he wanted to go get a drink but he said he needed to sleep as he had
gotten home so late yesterday and I know he feels as beat up emotionally as I
am.
Then this afternoon the Microsoft
edge app stop working so I couldn’t access anything on the internet. I have no
idea what went wrong with it but it’s frustrating because I can’t access
Ancestry, or my yahoo mail or Facebook on it. I hate this fucking month.
Anyway Kyle was up around two and
Johana and Jesus was over to take some stuff back with them and Kyle took apart
the bunk bed we are giving them. I went with Kyle back down to Papis to
retrieve the work truck to go back to the house to load up the bunk bed and
mattresses. I could tell that Kyle was freaking because he didn’t want to do
anything more than the basic he had to do and wanted to get out of there
quickly. I think upset that he might see Adrian. Anyway I went in to their
apartment and saw Yolanda and I gave her a bittersweet hug. We are just pawns.
While riding with Kyle he said it
was a good thing that he went back to Bewilder last night because Milagros left
leaving Daniel by himself and the grease trap had backed up. Milagros is
another one who only thinks of herself.
Anyway I spent the rest of the day
at the house. I took down the Columbia flag I had bought for Adrian and through
it in the trash. It’s his decision that he doesn’t want to be here any longer.
The hardest part of growing old is
feeling superfluous. That is how I am feeling as the world wags on around me
and my useful days are long behind me. I am
just not equipped anymore to deal with America's Brave New World
dystopia. Reverting to the sayings of my youth "Turn On, Tune In, and Drop
Out". Superfluous. So glad November is over.
Kimberlee Giles wrote this to me that
touched my heart. “Dearest
Ben, you just recently made a huge impact on my granddaughter. She is all about
nature and pet rescues. In fact, whenever we play, it always has something to
do with pet rescues. When I told her about Maxx and our plans to visit you, I
told her about what an amazing person you are. You have always opened your home
and heart to dogs and people in need. You always help people and take care of
them.
You plant gardens and beautiful flowers
to share the beauty of nature with everyone. You treat everyone like family.
And you were an amazing teacher for many years. That’s just the stuff I told
her about that she could understand, and it made her so excited to meet you.
Later I plan to tell her about the
life-changing impact you have made on Utah by paving the way for others to feel
loved, welcomed, appreciated, and safe in their own skin. If it weren’t for you
and your contributions to our history, many young people today would not have
the liberties that you worked so hard to attain.
Your generosity and love are unmatched. Every
day, you graciously share your thoughts, stories, and memories with us on FB,
keeping us connected to history, beauty, and even the realities of today. You
make us feel less alone in our worries and concerns. Superfluous is NOT a word
I would ever use to describe you. You are a reminder that our history is
important and our future still has people in it who will fight for peace and a
love for humanity. You provide a voice to injustice. Therefore, I prefer describing
you as vital.
DECEMBER
1 December 2024 Sunday
I puttered around the empty house
this morning rearranging the kitchen and doing dishes and throwing things away.
I finally tossed the rug I took from Bill Poore’s place that I had out on the
deck rather than try to clean it. I had already thrown out all the doggy beds,
blankets, and Lulubelle and Maxx’s food bowls. It was too hard to have them as
a reminder.
Kyle left the house to go to
Bewilder to teach Daniel and Milagros how to make Belgium waffles now that
Luisana had quit. He was gone for much of the morning and the only thing we did
together was get our drinks at Common Cents.
I walked Taco and TJ this morning
and it’s still hard seeing all the places that Maxx loved so well. I had a
scare in the afternoon when I walked them as TJ just kind of collapsed on the
sidewalk and when I picked him up he was a little limp. I whispered don’t you
dare die on me also so I carried next to me until the other side of the block
on Niles, then set him down and he seemed to be back to his self.
Mike Romero called and asked if I would
come over to babysit Coco while he goes to have his catheter changed tomorrow.
I said I would.
I wrote Jim Dabakis whether his
Mexican student friend still needed a place to stay and so Jim called and we
visited for about an hour. He’s been down in Mexico for a couple of months. We
talked about Lulubelle and Maxx and how Taco was doing. I told him about how
everyone was gone now and on their own so we have two unfinished bedrooms. His
friend, named Marco, now won’t be coming up until April because of some Mexican
Bishop screwing up his application to BYU. That’s so typical. Anyway it was
good to get caught up.
Yolanda sent me a voice message that I
had to have Kyle translate for me. She said “Good morning Ben, How did you
sleep? May God bless you and keep you well. I also care for you a lot. Thank
you for everything Ben. I’m truly grateful. I love you a lot like you were my
own father. Then she said, “I’m also in pain and heart is destroyed.” So am I. I got so attached to her and Chuito
so quickly even if we couldn’t speak to each other at all.
I
just wanted to see her to comfort her so I gathered up all the food items they
had left behind and some pots and pans and brought them over to Johana’s new
apartment. As I was parking Jesus and Johana had just returned from shopping so
I brought up the 3 flights to their place and brought in the stuff. Yolanda was
in the kitchen as usual and she was happy to see me and I gave her a long hard
hug.
She showed me the bedroom where the bunk
bed had been assembles plus a full size bed for her and Chuito in the same
room. It looked cozy and it made me understand that they have moved on and they
will be okay and I needed to know that and let go.
There seems to be a big hole here at
the house or maybe it’s just my heart as it’s much too quiet here although Taco
and TJ can now access the bay window
again to bark at any passersby.
Kyle spent the rest of the day down
in his room and I tried to figure out what went wrong with my computer. Kyle
did come up at one point to look at it and helped me at least get back into
yahoo mail but never could access Ancestry.com.
November was a difficult month for me
with lots of losses and then on top of that on the last day, the search engine
Microsoft Edge that I had been using on my desk top went black so I couldn't
access all the sites that I used to do research. Everything else on the
computer worked but the Microsoft Edge.
Because I am so old I didn't know I had
the old Explorer browser until Kyle informed me and it just disappeared. You
picked a fine time to leave me Lucille. Now I am trying to navigate Google Chrome but
can't access Ancestry.com, Newspaper archives, family search, all which I am a
subscriber because they want passwords I
don't remember. It's not like life isn't hard enough now.
I
went to Lucky’s after dropping items off at Johana’s apartment. I wanted to
make some taco soup because that all I feel like having any more is soup. I fed
the pups but they didn’t eat much. They don’t seem to like their morning treats
anymore like Maxx and Lulubelle did.
Today is World AIDS Day. So many of my
friends died way too young and took with them the gifts of music, dance,
theater, and visual arts that would have enrich the world. Now Dr. Fauci is being demonized and
persecuted by the right wing fascists and to add insult to injury, anti vax RFK
Jr will make decisions for our wellbeing as Secretary of Health and Human
Resources. Oh well what possibly could
go wrong? I guess bring back the refrigerated trucks to use as morgues like in
the Felon's first Presidency. There won't be a Joe Biden to save America's ass
this go around.
It's also my nephew’s 56th
birthday. I should have called or something but I didn’t.
2 December 2024 Monday
I
was up early just in case Johana and
Brian needed rides but when I looked that it was after 8, I figured they must
have had other arrangements. I was
finally able to connect back to ancestry after about an hour trying to find a
number to call. They were able to restore my page but gave me this code in case
it ever happens again. L6NB-3LWP-CLHJ Ancestry recovery.
I took lunch and drinks down to
Papis at 11. Kyle seemed okay but you never know. Evidently Jose accidently
sent one of Kyle’s U haul trucks out of state when it should have stayed local.
Well it’s not like Kyle hadn’t been
distracted .
I spent the afternoon over at Mike’s
while he went to his medical appointment in Daybreak. I sat with Coco and
watched “Top Hat”, the old Fred Astaire and Ginger Roger’s flick. I just love
the interchange between Eric Blore and Everett Horton two old queens.
I felt really sad this afternoon
walking the pups and started to weep before I returned home.
You
never outgrow missing your mother and I just wish she was here to hug. I am feeling
melancholy with the house so quiet and empty tonight. Serene I fold my hands
and Wait.
Letting
go is such a hard lesson but when people choose to leave, one has to accept
that their journey no longer involves you, and one must simply wish them well
as they find their own path.
One does not need to replace love with
hate just resignation that life is full of lessons and roads are not always
smooth traveling. Pot holes and bumps
just mean to slow down for a bit and take a deep breath until the passage opens
to new vistas around the bend. "But life don't clickety clack down a
straight line track It comes together and it comes apart."
I miss the life I thought I would have
with Adrian’s family. “Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my
life around you. But time makes you bolder. Even children get older And I'm
getting older too”.
3 December 2024 Tuesday
Everything
seems so pointless right now and there is no holiday spirit in my heart at all,
just going through the motions of living for TJ and Taco’s sakes and to be
there for Kyle when he needs me. He asked if I would go with him to Cosco primarily
for the company I think because he is as lonesome as I am.
There he had to buy some items for
the Bewilder group that was coming tonight. Cosco was a mad house and for
everyone who was bitching about the economy there was no let up on shoppers
pushing and shoving with little regard who might be in their way. Kyle wanted
me to eat with him at Cosco’s Snack bar so he had a cheese pizza slice and I
had a hot dog that I couldn’t finish. It wasn’t that it wasn’t good I just
don’t have an appetite anymore.
Kyle took me home and he went back
to Bewilder to prepare for the group of about 30 which had booked a small
party.
Mike Romero called and asked if I
was home as he wanted to come over. At first I was worried that it was
something wrong with Coco but actually he wanted to bring me these framed
pictures of Coco wearing her pink goggles from when we took her to the vet in
2019. I had sent him a picture of her from my computer and I guess he loved it
so much that he went back to the place he had that large poster made and had a
little 8 inch framed picture with a magnetic backing so I could put the picture
on the fridge.
We talked about taking a road trip
out to Wendover so Mike could get some medical marijuana for his neuropathy.
Maybe after Wednesday.
When he left and after feeding the
pups not that they are eating much, I went down to Bewilder to see if Kyle needed any help but he really didn’t. Jose
and Daniel were the ones working tonight and while they are good guys it seemed
alien to me to be down there without any of the girls. Even the front manager
Amanda made a comment on how quiet the kitchen was compared to the chattering
when the family was all there. I couldn’t stand around and do nothing so I
scrubbed out three huge pots that the beer cheese was cooked in that were
crusted over. That took about a half hour of scrubbing. I only stayed for less
than an hour and Kyle was leaving also as it was rather slow and his catered
event was all set out.
I went to bed around 8, as I was not
physically weary just mentally and emotionally. I just feel weepy all the time.
I miss everyone and everything. Even the shit Adrian who never had it so good
as when he lived with Kyle and me but it was never good enough.
4 December 2024 Wednesday
Kyle
was not feeling well, mostly depressed I think. I know he had gone out some
where last night because I heard the garage door open and closed around 2 in
the morning. He didn’t even get up until almost noon and all we accomplished
today was the spacers between the tiles in the bedroom which I had to untwist
hundreds of them to save while TJ sat on my lap on the floor.
Kyle wanted me to go with him to get
our drinks then he needed something from Papis so we went there for a bit, before going to Bewilder where he could fix
himself something to eat. Only Johana and Maria were working there and while
Kyle was cooking a burger I did up a few pots in the sink. I gave the girls
hugs and a kiss and then we left.
Kyle wanted to rest some downstairs
after we came back home and I didn’t see him again for the rest of the day.
It was a really hazy day with a
winter inversion that didn’t help with depression I suppose. In the evening Roy
Zang called to check in on me but I mostly listened to his health woes which
were much more serious than what I am going through with my abandonment issues.
We visited for a good hour and
gossiped a bit. He said that Jackson Carter from the center told him that they
still held the note for the old center on Main Street and 13th South
and that some evangelical church is buying it from the center with monthly
payments. Zang thought it amusing that a Christian church was paying money to
the center.
Chuck Whyte later called and wanted
me to go with him to the Salt Lake Men’s Christmas Choir and I said no for two
main reasons. I don’t like choirs and secondly I am still grieving and don’t
care to do anything but get through December. There’s no time limit for grief.
5 December 2024 Thursday
I
had the most vivid dream before waking up that I was at Washington Elementary
for some conference and I saw Dorothy Pratt standing with some other people I
didn’t know and I rushed dup to her and just hugged her. She was so surprised
to see me. Dorothy died in February 2023.
I called Mike Romero this morning to
see if he still wanted to go out to Wendover to the Marijuana dispensary there.
He did so he came over around 10:30. It was cold and gloomy out with an
inversion this morning.
We went to Lee Market first in North
Salt Lake because Mike needed some cash and he didn’t know that Lee’s had a
First American Credit Union inside until I told him. While there I bought
myself a apple fritter for the road.
Instead of the inversion lifting it
seemed to just have gotten worse out in Tooele County with heavy fog as well.
It never really cleared up until after
Knolls about 45 miles from Wendover.
I hadn’t been to Wendover I don’t
remember since when. It was Rich Butler’s and Bill Poore’s favorite place to
get away to but mostly to gamble.
It was a fairly warm day out there
around 40 degrees and just a little hazy in the distance. I’ve never cared for
Wendover as it always seemed so desolate. Only reason I went there today was
because Mike needed to get some medicinal
Marijuana for his neuropathy. I mainly went just for the ride. I did want
to see what the outlet was like, which was quite large and well maintained. I
noticed there were only about 4 cars in
the parking lot and all them with Utah license plates.
You have to show your driver’s
license once you enter and then inside there are glass display cases that
reveal what can be purchased. Then you go
up to a long counter where people then assist you with a purchase.
Mike kept asking if I wanted
anything but when fantasy hit reality, I didn’t. I think those days of thinking
I would be a pot smoking old hippy is just that, a fantasy. Mike bought some
pear flavored gummies that are supposed to be specifically for neuropathy pain.
He offered me some but I refused
only because I don’t think gummies have any effect on me to get a buzz and I
didn’t need them for pain and Mike does. So Mike bought his gummies and we drove briefly through
Wendover which was probably 20 years since I had been there, maybe more. Not
missing a thing.
So we left after driving quickly
around Wendover although there’s nothing much to see and even though it was 1
in the afternoon the place looked dead and closed up. So we drove back home and
it was foggy and hazy for much of the way back and forth.
We did take a detour to get off of
I-80 and drive through Grantsville as I wanted to see how it had changed. It
was a life time ago I lived there with Fran because she wanted to be close to
the Suazo’s.
I was home by 3:30 and I noticed
that while traveling I had a hard time articulating words while visiting with
Mike to make the road pass. That seemed strange. Maybe I was just tired.
I took the pups for a second walk
and actually then undressed and got into my night shirt as I wasn’t going to go
out again and there’ was no one in the house but me and my two pups.
Mike said something to me after
seeing the house this morning for the first time since all the construction and
shuffling around. In the front room is just the old full size bed, the bureau
and the two night stand. No other furnishings. He said it seemed like a boarding
house instead of a home and that I had always made my house a home with
pictures and decorations. It seemed ironic that Mike pointed out what I must be
feeling that the house is not a home anymore.
Kyle came home for a bit and then left again in the evening probably
to help out at Bewilder, He didn’t say. He did say that not because he was
angry with them that he blocked all the Columbians from his Facebook page.
Later I saw that Milagros had posted a collage of pictures of happier times
with Kyle. She labeled them “som momentos vidios siempre yo los recordare” “some
moments videos I will always remember them”. Added “ You did it was a great kindness you brought us all
together and now we are all together thanks to God and to you. I know God will
bless you greatly.” I know life
is full of changes.
I watched a bit about a film about the 1942
Battle of Midway. There are lots of trouble in this world greater than a broken
heart, but at the time, it seems the entire world.
6 December 2024 Friday
It
was mostly a gloomy inversion day with lots of fog and dampness. I was
depressed for most of the day, either because of life or the weather or both. Funny
how as you grow older your world grows smaller not larger. Six years ago I had
a house full of pups and now I only have two.
Eight years I had a cozy home filled with color and throw blankets and
now I basically spend my day staying in my bedroom in just one room.
When Mike came over yesterday he was
kind of shocked saying how it looked like my front room looked like a boarding
house with no living room furniture and
it’s not homey like I had always made my house. The house is in a state of
construction and I suppose it doesn't really matter as you get older as things
become just things and the memories of the people who have passed away or moved
on just seem to be all that does matter. I take comfort in the past as its sweet and
familiar.
When Kyle came home I was in bed already
and he came into the bedroom and said that he is letting Luis Negron go at
Papi’s and Gabriel to save money as he’s going to have Jose work there washing
trucks as well as work the office. Kyle had been paying Luis $800 a week and
not sure how much he was paying Gabriel weekly as an assistant. I don’t know
whether Kyle is economizing due to financial considerations or is just cutting
ties. It makes me wonder if Milagros
will then quit Bewilder. Kyle said that we needed to start looking out for
ourselves instead of being a charity for the Villalobos, which I never felt but
we have spent thousands of dollars on them because they were Adrian’s family
and by extension ours. Still it’s a
shitty time to let Luis go right at Christmas time. Oh well it’s not my decision and I am too
weary to worry any more. I just want to leave it all behind if I can no longer
be of any use to anyone.
7 December 2024 Saturday
I
was anxious but resigned about what Kyle did at Papi’s today. I just can’t
worry any more about things I have no control over. I stayed home all morning
and worked on the computer. It was another inversion day so didn’t want to do
anything. At least it’s just chilly and frosty not frigid.
The Power was off for 2 hours here in
West Pointe by the Jordan River. Fortunately I had saved what I wrote and was lying
in bed when the lights flickered and then went off. I thought it was a good
time to nap with TJ and Taco as there was nothing else I could do. The Fit was
in the garage and with the power off I didn’t want to mess with manually
opening the garage door. It was off for about 2 hours.
Kyle came home around 1:30 and asked
if I wanted to go to Bewilder with him to help prepare for the closed event
tonight. I declined. I didn’t want to
hear about how Papi’s went. I suppose I won’t be bringing drinks anymore for
the guys nor do I feel like going down there much anymore either.
The power came on around 3:30 and
Kyle called and asked about my small crockpot that he wanted to use for the
beer cheese for the event so I decided to bring it down so he wouldn’t have to
come home to get it.
At Bewilder Johana and Milagros were
working with Daniel there. The girls came up and embraced me and I hugged them
back but I didn’t stay any longer.
Sometimes waves of nostalgia sweep
over me about Adrian and how it all has fallen apart, my dream of us all being
a family until I die. Life is never a certainty. I have had many a broken heart
in my life. Adrian is just one of them.
I went to the Rose Park Smith’s to buy
some treats for me since I am all alone now, me and the pups. Yesterday I went to the Mexican Bakery and
bought the cinnamon crisps they called Tortillas but we always called them
“Elephant Ears.” One of the older women acted like she recognized me and asked
how I was as that she hasn’t seen me in a while. That surprised me and made me
wonder if she confused me with someone else.
At the house I have just been
watching mindless television as a diversion. So that is how I spent this gloomy
Saturday. I don’t know which I hate worse November, December or January?
Basically all of Samhain and Yule.
At Pearl Harbor we were attacked by
fascist Imperial Japan, we were attacked
on 9/11 from religious Islam extremists, however on Jan 6th treacherous Americans tried to
overthrow our Democracy empowered by
Evangelical and Corporate fascism in collaboration with the MAGA Republican party.
What is the point of remembering Pearl Harbor today when half the country wants
to forget what we once stood for and the sacrifices made to preserve a
Constitutional form of government?
8 December 2024 Sunday
There’s
no Christmas cheer this year as my house is not a home this year. Kyle is out
at night, who knows where. I go to bed early and wake up early for no reason.
Kyle didn’t even get up until almost 11 and then wanted me to go with him to
get a drink and then down to Bewilder to see how the crew there was making out
with the Trivia event being held there. Milagros was there working with Daniel
and Jose and was surprised to see Luis Negron there also, which made me really
sad not knowing whether Kyle had terminated his employment at Papis yet. Today
is Lusiana’s 21st birthday. Last year I bought her a flan cake but this year I
might as well be a stranger.
I saw my dog walking neighbor Debbie
walking her pup Annie this afternoon and finally was able to tell her the sad
news of Maxx passing away. Annie was always so excited to see him. She would
pull on her leash straining to be with him.
I don’t feel like my house is a home
anymore. Who knows what the new year will bring? Either way I have lost my
interest in life anymore. I am becoming a fatalist not knowing whether my life
had any meaning or purpose as it is coming to a close. All my appetites, not
just for food but for life is fading. Like Peggy Lee sang so many years ago Is
that all there is?
I post life affirming memes on Face
Book like “I woke up. I have clothes to wear. I have running water. I have food
to eat. Life is good. I am thankful” and
“At the end of life, what really matters is not what we bought, but what we
built, not what we got, but what we share; not our competence, but our
character; and not our success, but our significance. Live a life that matters.
Live a life of love.” But I don’t feel any of that in my soul anymore and no
matter how many prayers I send to Jesus, there’s no comfort there anymore just
resignation.
9 December 2024 Monday
I
had an 11:15 nail trims appointment for TJ and Taco at Wilson Vet’s. I was
there way on time but they were short staffed so I had to wait 20 minutes
before they were done and it cost $43, which I think is way too much. I need to
look around for something cheaper like maybe PetSmart.
The inversion has kind of lifted so
not so gloomy but I didn’t do much but walk the pups and do a bit of grocery
shopping. Kyle came to the house around 3:30 and asked if I had anything of
Adrians besides the mail but I didn’t. He was bringing the last of anything he
had in his room to Yolanda. I didn’t engage at all and didn’t ask about Papi’s
at all.
I just puttered around and worked on
the Romero’s 19th Century ancestries and was in bed when Kyle came
home again. He said he spent much of the day trying to find an easy dessert to
put on the Bewilder menu. I have little interest anymore.
I think a lot about the condition of
aging and letting go as well as loss. But how many of my young friends who died
too soon would have wished to have had the issues of aging? I actual feel
however the hardest part for us baby boomers growing older is that we had no
mentors...like everything else we had to Pioneer what it means being Gay after
Stonewall from Gay Liberation to SAGE.
10 December 2024 Tuesday
I
have been so weepy and on the verge of just staying in bed as there doesn’t
seem much purpose any more as I am spiraling down into depression. If it wasn’t
for TJ and Taco I’d probably never leave the house. I don’t have much appetite
for food let alone life. Kyle came home
at 3:30 and I was already in bed. He came up to see me but I could barely acknowledge his presence.
What is there to talk about? I don’t want to know about Papi’s or what finally
played out there. But then I walked the pups for their afternoon jaunt and when
I came back I went down to Kyle’s room and knocked to come in. He could tell I
was in despair and teary eyed. I said I was sorry for not visiting when he
first came home but I am so melancholy and weepy and the only one I can talk to,
is him but I didn’t want to upset him with what he’s going through also.
I don’t want to burden my friends
which makes me feel even more alone. What can they do but feel bad for me?
Kyle asked me to go with him to
Restaurant Depot to look at dessert options for Bewilder. I think he knew I
needed to get out of my head as well as the house so I went. He decided on a
Cheesecake, a chocolate mousse cake, and a carrot cake.
We took them back to Bewilder where
Jose and Daniel were working and Maria was waiting to be picked up. I could
tell something was wrong with her too as she was sad as well as tired. Problems
at home but I didn’t pry and then there’s the language barrier.
Kyle had to go off and get sausages
for the kitchen and I had forgotten my reading glasses so I couldn’t even look
at my phone. Instead I went into the old office and started cleaning and
organizing it for something to do. Being down at Bewilder is also a reminder of
my loss of my Columbian family. I just see Luisana dancing and having fun and
Milagros on the phone, and Maria working so hard. I think of all the chicken
schnitzels I breaded and pots and pans I washed, fries I cooked and all to keep
the business afloat to support the Villalobos. That is all gone now. That
dream. It’s just a business now.
11 December 2024 Wednesday
I
had the sweetest dream this morning that I was with John Cunningham in his room
sitting on a couch together and he was allowing me just to hold him and be
close to him. I was thinking while lying in bed that I want to get rid of the
sleeper couch that stored down in Kyle’s room. I never liked it and only bought
it for Adrians family as well as the bunkbed and that’s gone. I just want two
recliners and the loveseat couch that I got from Mike Romeros. I think I need
to get my house back for my mental health. Yesterday Kyle said he was angry at
the Villalobos and I said I wasn’t, just heartbroken. That is why I need to
remove anything that reminds me.
I went down to Papi’s dreading not
seeing Luis and Gabriel there but was surprised when Gabriel popped his head in
when I dropped off Kyle’s lunch. Later I saw Luis as if nothing was amiss so either Kyle changed
his mind or he’s waiting for another time. I mainly went down there to tell him
about my decision to get rid of the sleeper sofa as I never liked it and it
just reminds me of when we were going to be a family. He was okay with that but
was upset that I wanted to move all of Adrian’s bedroom furniture into the
unfinished bedrooms to get them out of the front room. I said I needed my house
back, my space back, I needed my home and every time I see everything in
disarray it pains me emotionally and mentally. He explained to me that he
didn’t want to have to move everything twice but the real reason is that he’s
not emotionally ready to admit that his dream of having a family failed. I
understood that because it was my dream also but the only way I can heal from
November’s loss is to move on and get some semblance of a home again.
We compromised and Kyle said he’d
finish the small bedroom and we can put everything in there out of the living
room. Well now I will have to see if he follows through on it We left it at that and went and got drinks
then I left.
I went over to Mike Romero’s to have
him show me how to have a picture made at Walgreen’s like he did Coco’s. I
wanted to make a magnetic framed picture of Maria’s little boy to give to her
because she was so sad yesterday. Mike showed me how and he actually paid for
it so I only had to go pick it up. While I was in Woods Cross I went to Smith’s
to buy TJ his Nudges Griller treats but the two chihuahuas just don’t demand
their treats like Maxx and Lulubelle did so I think that tradition may be
ending.
While at Smith’s I bought to large
boxes of Russell Stover Chocolates, one for Johana’s household and one for
Milagros. I will probably give Yolanda the Christmas ham next week.
After walking the pups in the
afternoon, as it had turned cold I got undressed and went to bed to snuggle.
Kyle came home around 6:30 and showed me pictures of how he is presenting the
desserts he bought for Bewilder. He said he hired another girl from Columbia as
part time help.
I proofed much of the Romero
genealogy from the 19th century and am about ready to print it off.
I want to put it on a Blog if I ever get around to it.
12 December 2024 Thursday
I
designed a picture of Yolanda and Chuito from a photo from Yolanda’s Facebook
page and had it made into a Magnet to give to Yolanda for a present. Then I
went and got three drinks for Jose, Luis, and Gabe at Papi’s before getting a
drink at Maverick with Kyle. I then went to Bewilder and gave Maria Hernandez
the picture I had made of her little boy Matsut before going back home where I
spent the rest of the day.
I did print off a copy of the
Romeros from the 19th century and started in on the 20th
Century ones. In the evening Jim McMillan called to check in on me and we
visited for about an hour. I didn’t mean to but I kind of poured out my woes to
him.
I sure have seen a lot of posts about Luigi
Mangione, charged with murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO a week ago. Not a lot of
people posting condemnation citing how UHC has the highest denial of claims to
increase profits.
13 December 2024 Friday
There
was snow on the ground this morning which surprised me as I hadn’t heard any
weather reports. Taco had no problem with it but I had to carry TJ as he wasn’t
having any of it. Too cold I suppose. I
went to Lucky’s this morning to get some milk and groceries. Other than that I
was a home body all day even though the sun came out and melted most of the
snow.
I didn’t see much of Kyle today
until he came home in the evening. He said it was a busy day and he even had to
go to Park City to fix the oven he had sold from Bewilder a while ago as the
pilot light didn’t work. He also said the drain at Bewilder backed up again and
he had to clean all that out. I didn’t bother asking about how things went
otherwise.
I spent much of the day going over
the Romero’s from the 20th Century and even created a Blog to post
all my research on line.
TJ was so frisky tonight being a
little pest bugging me and Taco the little squirt.
Before going to bed I started having
a toothache in what little teeth I have left. I just suffered with it and hoped
it would be gone in the morning.
My depression is lifting but my
melancholy is still shrouding me.
14 December 2024 Saturday
Kyle
came home around 1:30 to work in the small bedroom. I was on my way over to
Mike Romero’s place because he had some oranges he wanted to give me. I didn’t
stay long so I could return to help Kyle. He basically was cleaning up the
spacers between the tiles and mortar while I swept and cleaned. Later he filled
in the grout and the room turned out super nice. He said he might be ready to
hang the door and do the baseboards tomorrow.
He went back to Bewilder in the
evening to help train a new girl he had hired. Daniel, Milagro, and Yolanda
were working tonight he said.
TJ sure was being clinging today but
that’s okay because someday I will miss him being a little pest at times.
I used to go all out baking and making
soups for holiday gets together with my friends. That’s part of getting old, losing
the ability to do things once enjoyed, and the appetite to even do them, but
worst of all is losing the friends simply by attrition.
Covid 19 forced so many of us older
folks to stay home and isolate and while we made it through the epidemic the real casualty was
never making it through the isolation. We got used to simply staying home as
our peers drifted away.
This December I haven’t even put up a
tree, strung lights, or brought out my nativity scene. Why bother? Those
festive days of yore are over but the
memories linger. I did watch A Charlie Brown Christmas as it came out in
December 1965 and I showed it almost every year that I taught. I wonder if I
would be allowed these days?
15 December 2024 Sunday
I
woke up several times during the night so didn’t get much rest. At one point
when I woke up I was dreaming that Yolanda was visiting and I gave her the
photo I made up for her and also that Adrian came into the kitchen and hugged
me and said he still loved me. Strange what was rolling around in my head.
Kyle and I went to get some drinks and
them down to Sutherlands where they were having a furniture sale to look at
recliners to get an idea of what is out there. We actually took TJ and Taco
with us into the store, carrying them around.
Kyle said that Yolanda Perez had called
him and asked him to take her out shopping at 2 so I went over to see Yolanda
for the first time in about two weeks. I brought her the picture I had made of her
and Chuito as well as brought over Brian’s Halloween costume that was left here,
a holiday ham, and a large box of Russell Stover Assorted Christmas chocolates.
I think she was surprised to see me but glad also. It was sweet to see Brian
again and he was excited that I brought him back his Halloween masks. I gave
Yolanda a hug and she said something to me in Spanish about Adrian but I just
smiled and hugged her tight and said it will get better. No one was home but them and probably Chuito
that I should have stopped to see but didn’t. I left before it got awkward.
I then went and bought some Mexican
cinnamon crisps I like and then to Smith’s to but another Russell Stover
Assorted Christmas chocolates. I had two in the fridge but when I checked this
morning only one was there so Kyle must have taken one. I wanted Milagros crew
to have one. When I went to their apartment only Luis Negron’s brother,
Leonardo was there so I gave it to him.
When Kyle came home from taking Yolando
to Ross because she wanted to buy a purse and some blouses, he said that she
said that Adrian had been sleeping in his car, I guess too ashamed to be with
his sisters but I would think he would have enough money to find a place. It
made Kyle angry that Adrian was sleeping in his car and it made me very sad.
So I texted him trying to be nondescript
and wrote “I saw your mom today. I brought her a picture I had made of her and
your brother that has a magnate backing so she could put it on the
refrigerator. Take care of yourself and hug your mom for me when you see her.”
I was surprised that he texted back,
Thank you Ben”. I then replied “Take good care of yourself. He wrote back If I
try, take care of yourself too.” I love you.” And I wrote back “Love you too,
always will.” And we left it at that.
I checked the mail finally and had a
card from Maggie Snyder and Kristin Ries. “Ben Finally, Thanks for your
address. We love you for who you are. A very good person. We have always
admired you and as the most accurate
historian- according to us. We wish for your pups you have left-happy holidays!
In 2023 we lost Henry the Cat (adopted stray) and Buffy our 9 year old chicken
in 1 day. How several months ago we lost Hoja our 17 year old cat and Wuzzy on
the same day again! We now are down to 1
chicken Fuzzy and 1 Cat Patch on this
card. Patch just turned 17 a few weeks ago.
We are trying to convince her to be a traveling cat!! We hope 2025 will
be a good one! At least we know it will be interesting! How lucky we are to
have lived in our times! All our best, Kristen & Maggie.
16 December 2024 Monday
TJ
gave me the biggest scare this morning as while I typing I heard a sound like
the wind was knocked out of him and I turned around and saw him lying on the
floor still. I quickly picked him up and placed him on the bed saying out loud
don’t die on me too. He stirred and I took Taco and him for a walk but TJ I
just carried as he was kind of out of it and was just fine with me carrying
him. By the time we returned he was back to his old self. I know one day is
little heart will give out and he will take a piece of mine with him.
Kyle didn’t go to work today that I
could tell and around 11 he came upstairs and hung the door frame to the small
bedroom. Tomorrow we will go get all the supplies to finish the room, like
hardware and baseboard trim.
I worked almost all day on Mike’s
great grandfather Ricardo de Jesus Romero’s family and little else. When I went
to lay down to take a nap, Jim McMullin called and invited Kyle, Mike Romero
and me over for Christmas dinner. I said that I would ask them but not sure
Kyle will want to go and I am not sure what Mike’s plans are. However I said I
would go, although I would just as soon not but they are concerned about me
after Jim heard all that I’ve been through.
I am bored with television and
haven’t anything good to read but I have been listening to an audio book called
“White Trash Warlock” a fantasy book that takes place in Denver. Its
interesting but not compelling.
17 December 2024 Tuesday
I
woke up at 1:30 this morning when I heard Kyle coming home and opening the
garage. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just went on Facebook to read and
post. I finally got up and fix some
breakfast of biscuits and Gravy. I
didn’t do anything today but work on the Romero family and didn’t see Kyle at
all today until this evening when he came home, He said he was busy today but
tomorrow we should get all the supplies for the room tomorrow. He surprised me
by saying he would go to TJ and Jim’s for Christmas.
In 2025 there will be no "I told
you so" or schadenfreude on my part or even smug satisfaction... just pity
...without any sympathy because indeed you brought on the storm and must now
suffer the deluge.
18 December 2024 Wednesday
I’ve
been waking up after midnight then having the dickens of the time getting back
to sleep. I need to stop going to bed so early I suppose.
This
morning I went to Utah First Credit and put $500 towards the $850 owed the
HELOC that Kyle hadn’t paid since October to avoid more issues with them.
I went with Kyle down to Papi’s to
retrieve the work truck around 11. Kyle said that Old Hickory Sheds still wants
him to open the Bountiful location and are willing to help with the costs of
set up. He said that if it works out he will move his office there and the
black sofa couch that I don’t want he would bring down to Papi’s. We then went
to Home Décor and Lowes to buy most if not all the remainder of the items
needed to finish the two bedrooms. We bought a door, a mirror closet door, lots
of base board trim and all the hardware for the door handles and other stuff
needed. It was around $850 worth of merchandize.
We brought it home and lugged it all
upstairs but the only other thing Kyle did was replace the door knobs with door
handles which he said was easier for old people to use. I don’t have any
problem with my grip but I suppose someday I might.
In the evening I went with him to
Bewilder just to get out of the house. It was around 5:30 or 6 and was super
slow. Daniel, Milagros, and Yolanda were working tonight and I went and hugged
Yolanda and Milagros. At one point Milagros took me aside and asked if I had
talked to Adrian and I said I had. He is staying at her apartment so he’s at
least not sleeping in his car. I was able to see Brayan on a video call. They
say he misses me and would like to come see me, maybe tomorrow.
I haven’t told Kyle that I had
communicated with Adrian as I certainly don’t want to stir anything up although
this morning Kyle said the issues he had with finishing the rooms have
dissipated some. I certainly don’t miss
the drama but I miss Adrian.
19 December 2024 Thursday
Kyle
stayed home most of the day to work putting the baseboards in the small
bedroom. I know he was tired because he was out most of the night because I
heard him come in at 4:30 this morning. He
just wanted me to stay out of the way which I did mostly. Then this
evening as I was laying down he called from Bewilder and asked for me to come
down and help out. Evidently Daniel and Milagros called in sick which just left
Catalina the new girl Kyle is training, him and Yolanda. I was there from 6:30
until 9 mainly working the fryers, while Kyle worked the grill and Catalina put
out the orders. Yolanda was there to keep up with the dishes.
It was a fairly steady busy night
without a break until after 8:30. I was tired, not used to working so steadily
on my feet. A year can make a big difference at my age what you can do.
20 December 2024 Friday
I
was really tired this morning I think from working on my feet yesterday and I
hardly did a thing today until Kyle started in on cutting tile to finish the
closets in the big bedroom. I helped mainly by staying out of the way unless he
needed some help which he did with me handing the tiles when he needed them and
down in the garage as he was cutting them. The water hose to the tile cutter
broke again after having super glued it so I had to stand and spray water on
the blade as he cut the tiles. That was tedious going up and down the stairs
constantly and TJ was being so needy wanting to be held a lot.
I fixed meatballs with marinara
sauce for Kyle’s lunch and when he had me go to Sutherland to get the super
glue I saw that they had peanut brittle so I bought two boxes. It reminds me
how Aunt Pauline would make peanut brittle at Christmas and send it to us in
California.
It was a very warm day for December
in the high 50’s maybe even 60 degrees. Kyle said that he is closing the
carwash for two weeks and just having Jose work there doing U-Hauls. He has let
Gabriel go and Luis will just work as needed. Kyle told me the other day he
planned on renovating the Bewilder Kitchen soon. Oh well I can’t worry about
everything.
Am I the only one that thinks Elon Musk
is teetering on tyranny? He’s always
bullying Republican Congress to shut the government down. After today autumn 2024 will be a memory
and so begins our winter of our discontent
21 December 2024 Saturday
Kyle
spent the late afternoon and evening cutting tile for the hallway closet and entry
into the bedrooms, which took most of the time and I had to spray water on the
cutting blade which was my main job besides handing the tiles to him. I think
my main job however was keeping the pups out of the way. I did have to go to
Floor and Décor to buy another bag of Mortar which Kyle used to put down the
tile, so I am basically cornered in my room and out of the bathroom for a day
or so for the mortar to set. I have the door to the deck that I will be using
to go to the kitchen. At least I have my faithful pee bottle.
Well it’s the first day of winter and
while being a little cloudy and damp it sure doesn’t feel like it. Not a bit of
snow anywhere, just a bit frosty this morning when I walked TJ and Taco.
22 December 2024 Sunday
Well
another black letter day for 2024. This afternoon while Kyle was cutting tile
and the garage door was open, a repo man came and saw the Volvo and repossessed
it as I suppose Kyle never got caught up with payments. Surprisingly Kyle
seemed resigned to it and not outwardly showing any signs of distress. He said
that as long as we have the FIT we will be okay which also means he will be
having to use it for all his work related issues while I guess I will be
stranded at home a lot. This morning Kyle had to go get Tomatoes and cheese for
Bewilder and unbeknown that was the last time we will have ever used it .
We did how ever completely finished
tiling the bedrooms and hall way so that was kind of a red letter day for the
house I suppose. However the dryer downstairs is having issues and the water softener
in the garage was leaking and Kyle had to
shut that off.
Kyle wanted some Mexican food so we
went to Chubby’s for lunch and we split an enchilada plate. Kyle asked if I had
heard anything from Adrian so I shared with him what I had messaged Adrian. We
talked a bit about whether Adrian would come back home and stay in his old
bedroom. Kyle was not opposed but also was not in favor either as he harbors a
lot of resentment towards him because not only did Adrian take off but he took
his family with him and our dreams of being a family. I am not sure if his
coming back would change anything.
I went to the store while I had the
car and bought cake mixes and pudding mixes to make some Christmas bundt cakes.
I guess while I am still alive I need to bake at Christmas even if it does not
feel like Christmas at all this year.
I texted Adrian asking how he was
feeling as he said he had a fever a few days ago and said that I would like to
take him to lunch after the holidays but by the time I went to bed he hadn’t
responded.
So this is how the year is ending.
Kyle lost the Volvo, is trying to hang on until the middle of January when
business picks back up at Bewilder. He has let go Luis Negron and Gabriel at
Papis and just has Jose there who he doesn’t have much confidence in as he has
made several U haul mistakes. The crew at Bewilder consists of Milagros, Maria,
Johana, Yolanda, Daniel, and Catalina. I wonder how many will remain in 2025. I
wonder if I will remain in 2025? So much
uncertainty. Oh well.
23 December 2024 Monday
We
didn’t do anything in the house today but kind of cleaned up the mortar between
the tiles so they can be grouted later.
Kyle worked almost all day on that. I went to the store to get eggs so I could
do more baking of bundt cakes. Stores
are running out of eggs again. I paid $6.50 for 18 so I could do my holiday
baking. So we elected a Felon because of the price of eggs and the prices still
too high because of the Bird Flu going around.
I noticed that the water softener was
leaking so that has to be fixed. When
you are a home owner it’s always something. Kyle went in to Bewilder to work
with Catalina since he knew it was going to be a slow night even though they
were super busy and did a $500 lunch rush. I drove him down at 4 but then came
home to feed the pups although TJ hasn’t been eating. Not sure if he’s not
feeling well or what.
Kyle wanted me to return so I brought a spice
pumpkin bread loaf to give to Catalina and stayed until around 7:30 doing up all the
pots and pans and trays that the lunch crew weren’t able to get done. It was
slow in the evening and after doing up the dishes I was super tired and Kyle
let me go back home so I could clean up my kitchen from all the dishes left
from making Bundt cakes all day.
I sent an olive branch text to
Adrian saying I missed his smile and after the holidays I would like to take
him to lunch. I was hoping that this encourage him to consider moving back home
but my fantasy was shattered when he wrote back that we had all deleted his
smile and realize I am not important to you. I wrote back “I never deleted you.
Sorry you feel that way and left it at that.
It’s the last time I will reach out to Adrian. I’ve done all that I can
do to let him know I love him but time to let him go on his journey without me.
I know it’s also the beginning of the disassociation we have with his family,
just as Adrian was the glue that connected us.
24 December 2024 Tuesday
The
morning didn’t start off nice even though I was up at 5:30. Yesterday Kyle said
he wanted us to leave the house at 8:30 to go get potatoes for Bewilder before
Maria shows up. Well when he came up he saw that TJ had piddled on the tiles
and he must have just did it because it wasn’t there when I was going back and
forth between the bedroom and kitchen and he got after me for not keeping the
pups off the tile but I snapped at him
and said I can’t watch them ever second and that set him off and said for me to
just take what I was bringing down to Maria without him. I thought here we go
again with Kyle being a moody bitch.
So I first went to Bewilder to drop off
a bundt cake I made for Maria but she wasn’t in yet just Johana Pereira. I told her that I had one for
her family that I’d bring to the apartment. Well they needed potatoes so I went
to the chef store and bought two 40 lb boxes and brought them back and Maria
was there. I asked if they needed anything else and they were all out of
ketchup so back to the Chef Store I went. Coming back to the house I see the
work truck in the driveway and Kyle was pissed because he took an uber down to
Papis to retrieve the truck to go buy potatoes and ketchup not knowing I had
already. I didn’t fight with him but it
was his own damn fault for not communicating with me. Well at least the place
has plenty of ketchup and potatoes now.
Anyway then I took the two chocolate
Bundt Cakes over to the Grove Apartments. Jesus Pereira was just leaving out the door when I arrived which
was fortunate so I could drop off one of the cakes. Then I went over to
Milagros where Luis Negron answered the door and took the other cake. I noticed
at Johana’s they still didn’t have any furniture in their front room. I will
probably give them the old solid wooden coffee table that I’ve had for years.
In the afternoon Kyle probably
knowing he was a dick asked me if I wanted to go with him to get a drink and to
the liquor store to get some wine for TJ and Jim tomorrow and to the store. So
I went with him. The liquor store on North Temple was super busy and I stood in
line to hold a place while Kyle shopped. They
had 4 checkers so it went pretty fast but there must have been 20 people
just in line and more browsing the store. From there Kyle stopped at the Rose
Park Smiths and mainly just bought snacks and treats for down in his room. I
didn’t need anything.
I worked on the Romero’s family research
of the murder of his aunt Rose Duran in 1959. Then Kyle came up around 6:30 and
started fussing around with the television so we could watch Scrooge. I had the
pups curled up with me on the bed while Kyle sat in a folding chair.
It was his way of trying to make
Christmas Eve special for me knowing how Christmas Eve means more to me than
Christmas Day. The movie was over by 8:30 and I went to my room and Kyle
retreated down stairs. I had a sweet Christmas Eve watching Scrooge with my two
remaining incorrigible pups and my favorite person
25 December 2024 Wednesday
I woke up from hearing heavy rain on the
roof. It's the first time I've ever heard it rain on Christmas instead of snow
falling. Santa is going to get drenched so we are going to have a wet Christmas
instead of a white one. I tried going back to sleep to dream of my sugar plum
fairies but it was after 3 in the morning before I could.
I didn’t get out of bed until after 7:30
which is late for me. The rain had turned to just a scant amount of white snow.
There was none on the sidewalks when I walked Taco and TJ about 10 o’clock. I
had to carry TJ a lot because he didn’t want to walk on the cold sidewalk
Mike Romero came over at noon, although
he said the damp weather is doing a number on his neuropathy and wasn’t sure he
was going to go but he bucked up and we were down at TJ and Jim’s just
before 1. We had a pleasant surprise that Charles Bigo and Richard
Harmston were up from San Diego visiting Jim and TJ so I was able to see them.
All of us, except Kyle, became
friends from attending Gay Men Aloud so many years ago. They didn’t stay long as they had their own
family dinners to get to.
Kyle seemed like in a good mood and so
was Mike once settled down over there and it helped that he took some gummies.
I brought a pumpkin spice bundt cake and Kyle brought some wine and chocolate
candies. We had a delicious turkey dinner, with stuffing, mashed potatoes,
gravy, rolls, corn and asparagus. They always put out a nice spread and I know
they enjoyed having us as much as we enjoyed ourselves reminiscing and talking
a lot about setting up trusts for our estates for when we pass. We had a very
Merry Christmas over at T.J. Otaka and Jim McMullin's place when I was
expecting to just stay home and lay in bed with the pups.
It was a very gloomy overcast Christmas
with gray skies that kind of put a damper on our spirits but being with friends
helped a lot. We left by 4:30 and once home I walked the pups once more, fed
them and went to bed. Kyle gave me a hug before disappearing downstairs. I
actually had a couple of glasses of zinfandel wine while watching a Tyler Perry
film about the 6TripleEights black Wac
Corp who served in World War II. It was really interesting and historical.
Milagros posted pictures of her
Christmas dinner with her family at I think Luisana’s boyfriend’s place. I didn’t
see Johana, Jesus, Gabriel or Bryan with
them, just Yolanda and Chuito. Adrian wasn’t in any of the pictures either.
However I hope everyone also had a
special day with friends and family. God Bless Us Everyone.
26 December 2024 Thursday
It
was a wet snowy morning when I took the pups for their walk. When Kyle returned
from Bewilder he said that he is letting go all the family of Adrian’s from
both there and Papi’s. I guess the final straw was Johana going to the Clinic
across the street without letting Kyle know she would be late coming into work.
He said he felt they were only using him when they need something. I know that
is just his misdirected anger at Adrian because he asked me if Adrian called me
on Christmas day which he hadn’t. I didn’t ever tell him that I had reached out
to Adrian the other day and he shut me down.
I also didn’t mention that Milagros posted a beautiful Christmas dinner
that must have been held at Luisana’s boyfriend house. Evidently Adrian or
Johana’s family weren’t invited or didn’t want to attend as they weren’t in any
of the pictures.
I was really upset and sad that Kyle
had decided to hire new people to work for him after all the time, money, and
worry I spent on all of them. It distressed me that all of them would be losing
their livelihood with the coming year. I understood how Kyle was feeling,
seeing them every day and reminding him that they aren’t family any more. I
spent thousands of dollars on Adrian and his family since meeting them. I even made
sure they were paid their salaries and paid their deposit for their apartment
at the Grove. I am still paying on the $7000 it took to bring Yolanda, Chuito,
Gabriel, and Brayan to Utah from Columbia. I know I will never see any of that,
not that I really mind because I did it out of love for them. I know I will
never stop loving what we could have been to each other but what is, is. I am
helpless over people places and things but still I cannot but worry about them.
Unlike Kyle, I just can’t harden my heart.
When Kyle came home in the afternoon
he started working on grouting the large bedroom and he needed more grout so I
drove down to Floor and Décor and spent $60 on another container of grout so he
could finish the hallway. The pups and I are banished to my bedroom and the
front room, me for 24 hours and the pups until Sunday afternoon for the grout
to completely cure. If the dogs pee on any of the grout it would soak in. So I
have to use the back porch deck to go back and forth. I decided to just make up a bed in the front
room so they pups could sleep with me and use the doggie door.
My heart is aching but not breaking.
It’s just another blow upon a bruise.
The little South American chapter of my life is nearly over. I have to accept
that they all got along without Kyle and me three years ago and they will find
a way to get along after us. I even told Kyle while we went to get a drink that
Adrian has moved on without us and we just need to finish the rooms and rent
them out for the income.
The day after Christmas is always a sad
day for me as my father passed away in 2003. He had gotten up to go out to get
the newspaper and came back into the house and before he could get to the
kitchen he died instantly from a stroke.
When my mother got up she found him lying on the floor.
I
am grateful he never suffered nor had any real illnesses or accidents in his
life time. I am sure he saw enough trauma as a 19 year old sailor in WWII when
his mine layer ship the USS Gamble was hit by a Japanese bomber the day before
the invasion of Iwo Jima. The bomb killed 5 of his mates and crippled the ship.
My
dad worked hard all his life, and married his Texas 16 year old sweet heart as
soon as he was mustered out of the Navy in 1946. He had a good life and a happy
one mostly raising a family in Garden Grove California.
When my mom called to tell me of dad's
death I was in the middle of shoveling out one of the worse snow storms to hit
SLC. Most of the city was without power as we were for nearly 2 days. No way to
get home with the airport shut down and had to sit in a dark frigid house for a
day and a half with no electricity, just going out on my mind wanting to be
home for my mother.
Grateful
that he called his brothers on Christmas Day and talked to his family before he
departed this world.
He was born 19 January 1925 and would have
been 100 this coming January if he had
lived.
We never really knew each other or
connected with one another very well. It wasn't that I was Gay, he just
couldn't connect with me or I with him. When I would call home and he answered
he would briefly ask how I was doing and then pass me off to my mom. I don't
think he ever knew what to say to me.
He was not demonstrative but showed his love
for us by providing for us. As a kid he never said he loved me but the day I
graduated from high school while in my school robes he stooped down and
polished my shoes. That is how I knew he was proud of me.
His generation did not want to relate to
their children they simply wanted to raise them to be good people. I think mom
and dad did.
I was named Edgar Hugh Williams Jr after my father but
when I was 21 I starting calling myself Ben Edgar or "son of Edgar"
instead and moved 700 miles away from anyone I knew to start a new life with a
new name.
27 December 2024 Friday
Kyle
was gone most of the day with the Fit so stayed home and typed on the computer.
Kyle had to get chemicals for Papis from Ogden and then take back to Floor and
Décor two unopened containers of floor tiles. I guess he interviewed people to
work at Bewilder also. It was a gloomy day and was rainy for some of the time
today.
I have been sleeping in the front
room with TJ and Taco so they can use the doggie door. Kyle has my bedroom and
the hall blocked off from them so that they won’t pee on the tile. I wonder if
I will ever get my house back to being as it was when it was a home with all the
pups that I miss so much. I am getting more and more accepting that the
Villalobos are slipping away from my life.
Sometimes the people you wanted as a
part of your story are only meant to be a chapter, some just a paragraph, and
others hardly a footnote.
28
December 2024 Saturday
Kyle
worked all afternoon on hanging the door to the large bedroom we used to call
Adrian’s room and cut all the baseboards for the room so except for caulking
and some painting touch ups and hanging the closet doors the two rooms are
about finished. It was raining for much of the day so it was wet when I walked
TJ and Taco but it wasn’t a downpour more like a drizzle for most of the day.
I went with Kyle to return some items to Lowes and then some power tools to Bewilder. Milagros, Daniel, and Yolanda were working tonight however Luis was also down there. I hugged Yolanda and Millagros but it was awkward for me being there after Kyle had said he was going to fire them all. I know he needs Luis’s help with the remodeling the kitchen which he plans on doing this coming week. So I don’t know what is going on in his head. I guess it really doesn’t matter. Olivia Hussey who played Juliet in the classic Romeo and Juliette died at the age of 73, the same age I am. What is a youth? Impetuous fire. What is a maid? Ice and desire. The world wags on. A rose will bloom. It then will fade So does a youth. So do-o-o-oes the fairest maid.
29 December 2024 Sunday
Sad
news that President Jimmy Carter died today at 100 years old. I guess he
couldn’t bare the thought of living through another presidency of the
Felon. It was another intermittent rainy
day so just stayed home working on the Romero family information. Mike called
me this morning and was amazed how much information I had on the people he knew
and had forgotten about. I said its just a working copy and I needed to clean
up a lot of the spelling and grammar.
Kyle came home around 1 in the
afternoon after being at Bewilder and we went to get our drinks. He said that
after the first of the year he’s giving up soda pop and wants to start running
again to lose some weight. He looks fine to me but the new year I suppose is a
time for resolutions. I had him take me
to Smith’s to get Nudges Griller treats for TJ as I ran out this morning.
Smiths must have had a back log of eggs as they had a dozen on sale for $2 and
18 for $3. Before Christmas I paid $6.50 for 18. Later in the afternoon when
Kyle went downstairs to rest and eat his lunch I took the FIT and went to
Lucky’s and bought $75 worth of groceries as I can’t just run to the store
anymore with us only having 1 car now.
Around 4:30 Kyle came up to work
caulking the baseboards and getting ready to paint. I finally moved the
barriers so the pups could walk down the hallway. I was rather tired but I made
some split pea soup today.
My one tooth, a molar on my left
lower jaw, has been achy for a couple of days maybe a week already. It comes
and goes but I know I will probably need to go see the dentist and have it
pulled. Then I won’t have anything on either side of my lower jaw. Oh well one
day it will all be burned up anyway. The
flags are to be lowered for 30 days for Jimmy Carter which means they will be
at half-mast for the Felon’s inauguration.
30 December 2024 Monday
The
Villalobos had some sad news as their sister in Venezuela who had cancer died
at the age of 41 today. After Kyle came
home from working at Bewilder with Catalina tonight we went and bought some
white roses to bring over to Milagros
apartment as they had invited us. Yolanda was there and I gave her the
roses. They had a little shrine with pictures and flowers set up, so Tutu put
the flowers in a vase and set the roses with the others. Adrian was at the
apartment sitting next to his mom and I suppose feeling awkward with us being
there. I sat next to Yolanda and just let her cry on my shoulder while Kyle
talked in Spanish giving our condolences. Before leaving I went to Adrian and
hugged him which I wonder if it will be the last time.
Earlier in the day, I made fried
pork chops, mashed potatoes and gravy as I was cleaning out the refrigerator. I
also made a spaghetti meat loaf before Kyle was up at noon. He had gone out
last night again. We went to get out drinks and then to Sutherlands to buy more
caulking so Kyle could finish the larger bedroom. After he left to go work with
Catalina he had me paint all the baseboards and trim in the hallway and smaller
bedroom. That was a chore for me getting up and down off the hard tile floor
but I managed it.
Jim Dabakis texted me and asked if
we had a room to rent for two cousins, a boy and a girl for a couple of months
in January. So we may have renters next months. The pair want to come to
America and wants to get here before the felon’s inauguration.
So the year is true to form
continuing to bring a lot of heart ache and sorrow. Heard in the news that the
actress Linda Lavner died today but the news is overshadowed by President
Carter’s passing yesterday. We lowered our flag to half-mast.
31 December 2024 Tuesday
I
had to go to Lowes early this morning to buy more white paint mainly to do the
two doors. It was a frosty morning walking Taco and TJ, mostly carrying TJ.
When Kyle was up I helped him paint the remaining large bedroom so all that
painting is done and the doors hung. He wants me to scrub and clean the floors
tomorrow and then we can start moving the furniture out of the front room.
We took a break to go get a drink. Supposedly
Kyle said he’s giving up Soda pop for the New Year and wants to start running.
Well we all have out delusions. We went to
Bewilder where Maria and Catalina were cleaning everything out of the
kitchen and office so it could be demolished and then we went to Papis to check
on Jose before coming back to the house to finish up. I took the pups for another afternoon walk
Kyle left at 3:30 taking the work truck
to meet Luis Negron down at Bewilder to begin doing what Kyle envisions to make
the kitchen more efficient. I stayed in all evening looking at Facebook posts
and happy to stay home this New Year
Eve. I called to activate my Medicare Card and found out that I have Reward
Points that I have never used. Learn something new every day I suppose.
At 8:30 Kyle called for me to come
down with the FIT to pick him up. TJ was persistent about wanting to be with me
even coming into the garage when I was backing out so I ended up taking him
with me. Taco was already under covers in bed after having a supper of meatloaf
and chicken thighs. I brought Taco in
with me and I was amazed how much work Kyle and Luis managed to do tearing out
the divider behind the sinks and opening up the entire office by tearing out
the walls. I sat with TJ which will be the one and only time he will come to
Bewilder.
I was nearly asleep when Kyle called
at 8:30 so when we came back to the house I went right to bed. Millagros called
Kyle and wanted him to come spent bringing in the new year with them. He didn’t
want to but went anyway and brought a few bottles of champagne with him. He
made excused for me so I didn’t have to be there. I know he was hesitant
because Adrian probably would be there. Before leaving he hugged me twice,
which is unusual for him.
I don’t know why but I stayed up
until around 11:30 looking at Facebook posts of my friends before turning over
and going to sleep. I knew it was midnight due to the fireworks going off but
nothing like in the past which went on for hours. If the booms lasted 5 minutes
I’d be surprised.
This has been a hard year with
losing Maxx and Lulubelle, Adrian and Kyle’s
breakup, the depletion of my 501K and other financial loses. Oh well I still have two sweet pups, my health, a roof over my head, a
warm bed and food and clean water. I still have reliable transportation and I still
have Kyle who is nothing but one adventure after another for good and bad.
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