Autumn 4th Quarter Journal 2014 October-December

OCTOBER

1 October 2014 Wednesday

I was up early to be at work at 7:30 for Faculty Meeting and training on the new SAGE system which I will never use.  It was a cool day today only in the mid 50’s. Fall is definitely in the air. I did bus duty today because the 6th Grade teacher LaRae Everson was gone but then I came home as quick as I could.

 

I bought some Harvey Milk stamps today because I was all out of stamps with all the letter writing I’ve done lately. I need to write back Kyle and if I have any time after catching up on my journal I will.

 

2 October 2014 Thursday

I made plans to take tomorrow off and come in Saturday to get ready for next week.  I am just plain tired.

 

Mrs. Pratt came in to day wandering the halls. She’s like a ghost that doesn’t know where she is. I think she is at least 85 years old or more. She is a good woman but sad to see her in this decline. When I am done with school I will be done with school.

 

So I got as much as I can ready for a substitute for tomorrow.

 

At home I had a bowl of cereal for dinner and some popcorn and called it good.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote a long letter in response to his from the other day. Five pages in small font and I put two Harvey Milk stamps on it to make sure it gets there. I told him I would send him $200 this weekend.

 

Bill Poore is not feeling well said he hurt his back but needs to be well by Saturday for this acting gig he’s in.

 

Pretty day but it’s getting cooler for sure.

 

I watched a mash up of the Simpsons and Family Guy this evening before going to bed. It will be the end of an era when the Simpsons finally take a bow.

 

This is the letter I wrote Kyle. “Dear Kyle, I got your undated letter on Tuesday the 30th of September which was post marked the 29th. By the time I post this letter tomorrow I expect you have been in Manila for just about a week. I hope you are adjusting to your new digs and have met new acquaintances there that you can pass the time with.

 

From one of your previous letters I was afraid you might call the wrong number. You had the prefix as 550 instead of 505. But it didn’t matter because I know how to find out where you are no matter where they shuffle you around.

 

I looked up this one site which said you are only allowed to have $290 in your account at the Daggett Jail. I don’t know whether that is accurate or not so you might have to ask around and let me know. I sent you $50. I hope you have it by now and I will send $200 this weekend. I wish I could send more and may at the end of the month but I just had to replace the garage opener and that was $650 so I am a little tight. So get what you think you really need first and then if you can have more than $290 in your account I will send more in a few weeks.

 

It’s a pain being paid only once a month and having to have that stretched over 4 weeks and hope nothing comes up.  I was planning on spending $50 in gas to come see you on your birthday but if you think the money would be more wisely spent on getting the things you need to be more comfortable there I will send you that money too. But with the money I sent and will send this weekend that extra $50 would put you over $300 unless you spend some of and they don’t count that. Let me know what you decide.

 

Who knows they may bump you out after the holidays and you may be somewhere closer. It doesn’t really matter because you are in my heart and that is good enough for me. As long as I can hear from you and know you are mentally and physically in a good spot that is all that I care about.

 

Are you still sore from working out? You over did it trying to impress your new friends [lots of laughter]…but it will be less painful and you will start to feel better and at your age even look better and have more clarity.

 

You letter was very descriptive. I knew the place would be small. How could it not be? But you describe it as being even smaller than I thought.  Well it’s not summer camp and I know you will adjust to the routine…At least there shouldn’t be all the lock downs like at Gunnison, maybe the food is even better, and while no more television it sounds like at least they have a selection of movies you can watch.

 

I know that country through Wyoming can be pretty barren with 100 mile patches between towns. I went to Rawlins a lot with Michael Romero. 100 miles from Rawlins to Rock Springs, another 100 miles from Rock Springs to Evanston, another 90 miles from Evanston to Salt Lake.  The Three Sisters is a stretch to the east of Evanston that can be pretty nasty in the winter.

 

Michael went home last weekend to see his sister and he said that I-80 is really a mess now with truckers and big rigs just tearing up the highway. I’ve been to Lyman and Ft. Bridger but I have never been to Flaming Gorge. Google Maps says Manila is 177 miles from Salt Lake and a 3 hour drive.

 

I know you want a job but hopefully you won’t be in Manila 7 to 12 months from now. If you are I will be retired by then and can come see you whenever I like if I get approved. Their application asks the question have you ever been arrested and of course I have been 23 years ago and I wrote that down because I am sure they check S.S. but I never have been convicted so hopefully they won’t hold that against me and keep me from seeing you.  I am pretty sure I can see you without a barrier if I am approved.

 

When you lived with me didn’t you say you didn’t like pancakes? I hope you have gained an appreciation of them [lots of laughter]. And yes I like American Cheese for grilled sandwiches and hamburgers but I also like cheddar and muenster and Swiss but I haven’t been eating much cheese anymore like I use to.

 

I don’ care for processed meat either…pressed turkey or mystery meat loaf but you know it could be a lot worse. I wonder if they will serve you fried chicken or baked? Whatever I am sure you will enjoy it and the Mormon Ward dinners. I am surprised they don’t sell soda but I guess it’s one more thing they would have to truck in. Do they make you live the word of wisdom with no tea or coffee? [lots of laughter]

 

Don’t be sad about the time away from our visits.  I will write you as often as I can. I’ve neglected a lot of house work sitting down in the evening to write but I think you being in Draper was traumatizing but things will begin to be normal again. I know you miss people you became friends with like Jeff Kitchen.

 

I am going out to dinner with Jim Dabakis tomorrow to talk about all the shit that is going on. Last Tuesday I read this in Bob Henline’s Blog… “There is currently a great deal of bitterness and in-fighting in Utah’s LGBTQ community.  In-fighting that, in my opinion, threatens to unravel a great deal of work and progress that has been achieved in recent years.  The one thing that I think serves to end these types of problems most effectively is the open air.  It’s time to put it all on the table and let the chips fall where they may.

 

First, I want to address recent issues with Equality Utah. During the transition from Brandie Balkin’s leadership there have been a couple of mis-steps that have resulted in hurt feelings.  Many people are aware of various parts of these issues, but here’s what I know, and what I think, about the whole shebang.

 

Last week Equality Utah announced their slate of endorsed candidates for this cycle, and there were some pretty serious issues.  The day before the announcement was made public there were, to my knowledge, three very adamantly pro-equality candidates that were sent notifications that they were not being endorsed. Those candidates were Charles Stormont, Liz Muniz, and Karen Kwan, and although obviously disappointed, the public reactions I saw from all three demonstrated a great deal of poise and dignity. Once the list was published the next day, all three candidates were endorsed.

 

  Additionally, there were several races (4, I believe) in which both candidates were endorsed.  One of these races was for Salt Lake County District Attorney.  Relative unknown Steve Nelson was endorsed alongside current DA and longtime champion of equality Sim Gill, who was also honored at last week’s Allies Dinner. Also initially on the endorsement list but later removed was Republican Representative Johnny Anderson.  Anderson’s website expressly states his belief that marriage should be restricted to man-woman relationships.  Amazingly, with everything that’s happened in the past year, marriage equality wasn’t part of E.U.’s endorsement criteria this cycle.

 

Second, the Allies Dinner of last Friday.  I didn’t attend this year’s dinner but have heard from a number of people that it was a fantastic celebration and there was a great deal of appreciation for the focus on transgender issues this year.  What I have also heard from multiple sources is that there was a very nice presentation about marriage equality that made absolutely no mention of the people that made it happen in Utah:  Restore Our Humanity. It was the vision and determination of Mark Lawrence that put Restore Our Humanity together.  It was that group of dedicated activists that recruited the plaintiffs, hired the attorneys, and started this process.  It was Restore Our Humanity, with a huge amount of help from this community, that carried this through to the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals. The organization has since handed the case off to larger groups with more resources as it plays out in the national arena.  But that doesn’t change the history of Kitchen v. Herbert and the omission was a direct slap in the face to the all-volunteer board of R.O.H. that shelled out $1,500 of their own money to buy a table at that dinner in support of Equality Utah.

 

All of that being said, I’ve served on all-volunteer boards for organizations smaller than Equality Utah and understand the time commitments involved.  While it’s obvious that mistakes have happened during the transition, I think it’s also important to acknowledge the difficulty of managing such an organization, especially in a volunteer capacity.

 

With that in mind, I want to single out Professor Cliff Rosky, Equality Utah’s board chair.  He has a full-time job as a Professor of Law.  He has a family, including a newborn child.  He has also taken the role of board chair in service to this community.

 

Could there have been greater oversight?  Sure.  Would that have prevented any of these mistakes?  Nobody can know that. What I do know, though, is how Rosky responded.  He jumped in headlong with his sleeves rolled up.  He reached out to the people asking questions and answered them with honesty and transparency.  He, as board chair, took responsibility for the mistakes himself and apologized publicly for them.  He didn’t lie. He didn’t hide.  He didn’t, in any way, try to shift blame.  He exemplified grace under pressure.

 

So, in answer to the question I’ve been asked more than once this week:  why haven’t you been all over Equality Utah for this mistake?  The answer is just that, they owned it.  They didn’t hide.  And they’ve promised to take steps to fix it.

 

Last thing with Equality Utah, their decision to name Troy Williams as their next Executive Director.  It is no secret that Williams and I have butted heads in the past, and I’m making every effort to not let that personal baggage cloud my thoughts on this. Was he the best choice?  I can’t answer that question.  I’ve never seen Williams’ resume, nor have I seen those of the other applicants for the position.  He’s definitely got his work cut out for him, changing from the passionate, in-your-face activist to the polished negotiator and bridge builder.  I have to believe he’s capable of doing it, as I believe we’re all capable of making desired changes within ourselves and our lives.

 

Honestly, this is going to be a rough year on the hill, regardless of who’s the face of Equality Utah.  The legislature is going to be increasingly obstinate as marriage equality works its way up the legal mountain.  Williams’ passionate voice, if that’s the direction he chooses to go, may just be what Utah needs to hear over the deafening silence we’ll get from the official channels.

 

 While we have disagreed, and probably will still continue to disagree, on strategy and methods, I wish Troy Williams the very best in this new role.  His success means success for us all.  It’s a success that we, as a community, all need and should keep in mind.

 

Now, with regard to Utah Pride.  I’ve always been a fan of the concept of a community center that is responsive to the needs of this diverse community.  I have, in the past, participated in and donated to Utah Pride events.  Last Thanksgiving my wife and I donated two turkeys and several hours of preparation and cooking time for the Center’s Thanksgiving Potluck dinner. It saddens me to say that unless wholesale and fundamental changes are made at Utah Pride I will never again support them or their events.  That probably doesn’t mean much to Utah Pride, but unfortunately for them, I’m not the only person in the community that feels that way.

 

In January of this year I wrote a follow-up story to the promises made by Utah Pride after the October meltdown of last year.  Utah Pride had failed to deliver on their promises to provide clean and accurate financials.  The majority of the information for that piece came directly from Utah Pride’s board chair, John Netto. Shortly thereafter, Netto ejected me from a meeting to which I’d been invited by members of SAGE’s advisory board with a very vocal and hostile rant.  A rant not about the story or the facts presented therein but directed at me personally.

 

Since that time several reports have come to me about Netto and Utah Pride’s new Executive Director Steven Ha making disparaging comments about me and QSaltLake, including recent threats of a defamation suit.  On the occasion of the first rant I challenged Netto to point out anything that was factually incorrect in my reporting.  That challenge remains unanswered, yet the back-biting and ridiculous chatter continues.

 

Reporting facts does not constitute defamation.  Asking questions of supposed community leaders with regard to promises they made voluntarily in public meetings is not defamation.  Making knowingly false statements that a journalist has defamed you is defamation.

 

Discussing former staff members’ alleged failings in wholly inappropriate and unflattering ways with journalists is defamation.  It’s defamation for which not only Ha and Netto could be held legally liable, but that could also create liability for Utah Pride.

 

It is important to note again here that the issues between Utah Pride and myself, more accurately between Ha and Netto and myself, have gone from the professional to the personal because of their actions.  Ha has reportedly asked colleagues and friends of mine why I declined to pursue Equality Utah’s endorsement snafu with the same vigor I demonstrated in my reporting on Utah Pride.  I believe I answered that above, but I’ll reiterate:  it’s because of the difference in how each of the organizations involved, and their respective leaders, addressed the issues within their organization.

 

One (Rosky) handled it with respect, with transparency, and with honesty.  The other (Ha and Netto) handled it with broken promises, personal attacks, and concealment.   They’ve made these issues personal and have since tried to push it off on me as a “vendetta.”

 

Further in May of this past year there was a public board meeting at Utah Pride at which their auditor announced that the financial audit was complete.  Those numbers were flashed up on a screen, but no copies were provided to attendees or to the press.  The auditor’s recommendations were similarly veiled.  There were, reportedly, a number of them but they were approved by a board vote as a package, the details of which were restricted to board members.

 

Approximately one week later, in a meeting with Ha, Netto, Michael Aaron, and myself, I asked for those audited financials and was told that they were not yet complete, as the 4th Quarter numbers from 2013 had not yet been entered into the accounting system.  I was confused, as I was present when the auditor announced completion and couldn’t imagine a professional auditor signing off on an audit that was missing an entire quarter’s worth of data.  Plus, I just happened to have in my possession Utah Pride’s P & L summary for Q4 2013, dated January 8, 2014.

 

The story quickly became that the specific breakdowns noted on that statement were not accurate as they were being adjusted to reflect a new accounting scheme, and that wasn’t yet ready. At that point Ha issued a challenge to me:  find another non-profit that would provide that level of financial information.  Should I meet that challenge, he offered to personally pay me $500.  He then added that Guide Star, the standard for non-profit reporting, doesn’t require that level of disclosure.

 

Within days I emailed to Ha complete financials for another local non-profit, along with a PayPal invoice for $500.  He called and begged off by claiming that his reference to Guide Star meant that the non-profit in question should be certified by them and that the one I selected was too small.

 

I then logged on to Guide Star and downloaded complete financial statements and annual reports for USO, which I emailed to Ha.  USO is not only much, much bigger than UPC, but they’re also very highly rated by Guide Star. Ha has never responded to, nor has he acknowledged, those emails.  Yet he has continued to make disparaging remarks about me and about QSaltLake in the community.  One would think that a leader with as much purported experience as Ha has would be a bit smarter than this.

 

 The community is small, word gets around and gets around very quickly.  But, he has persisted in maintaining his whisper campaign. I have, for the most part, kept my anger at his nonsense somewhat private and kept it out of my social media and published works.  Until now.

 

Last week I was informed that Ha was attempting to intervene in an honor being bestowed upon my friend and fellow columnist Ben Williams by SAGE Utah.  A number of people contacted me after Ha reportedly contacted them to ask about alleged slurs that Ben has made to the bisexual community.  From what I could gather, he was on a dirt-digging expedition in an attempt to undermine the honor.  That is the last straw.  I am no longer willing to keep Ha’s unprofessional and unbecoming behavior to myself in an effort to avoid airing this community’s dirty laundry.

 

Ha’s behavior is despicable.  He is the leader of an organization that sits at the heart of our community.  His constant petty back-biting and attempts to undermine other people only serves to foster division and dissent and our strength, as a community, lies in unity of purpose. If we are to advance and succeed as a community we need to get past this bullshit.  Unfortunately, my wish that it would slowly recede over time was just a pipe dream.

 

 In that spirit, however, I hereby extend my hand in friendship and support to Troy Williams.  If I’ve offended you or wronged you in any way, Troy, I sincerely apologize.  I don’t expect that we’ll always, or maybe even often, see eye to eye on what should be done and how.  What I do believe, however, is that we both agree on the goal of full equality for all.

 

Within that context, I am sure we can operate in an environment of cooperation and mutual respect. As for Utah Pride, the ball is in their court.  It’s been almost a year since the October meltdown and they did manage, recently, to send financials to Michael at QSaltLake.  I’ve not seen any public disclosure of anything, but I’ve honestly not been paying attention to them in a professional context.

 

If they want this to stop, it can.  They will need to issue a public, written apology to me for publication in QSaltLake for their unprofessional and demeaning behavior, with assurances that such will never be repeated. Should they fail to take this step, all emails and the audio I’ve recorded will be released to the public.  We’ll let the lawyers and the courts decide what constitutes defamation.

 

I wonder if the board of Utah Pride is ready for the rest of Utah to see the true faces of their organization’s leaders under that level of scrutiny.  I’ll be waiting, but not for long.”

 

So that’s the first I heard that Steve Ha was out to smear me and pressure the SAGE board to rescind their award to me. This is what I found out that Steve Ha did. He took a personal conversation mostly between Bill Poore and I from a secret Face book Page that Charles Frost and I created 2 years ago called Great Basin Bad Boys...it was just by invite only to talk and dish and post erotic pictures and comment about issues to Gay men over 45.

 

Well Jon Jepsen copied the comments of banter I was doing with Bill over Bi-Sexual Day. Bill said that it didn't mean you could buy sex...it was humorous and so I told the old Woody Allen joke and what Tina Fey and some other quoted about bisexuality...and then I went on the bisexuality site and saw a quote saying that the day was established "because some people" in the L and G community had "marginalize" bisexuals so I made the comment if I heard marginalized used to slam Gay men anymore I would slap them... It was banter like anyone does in private conversations... Well Steve Ha took my comments and no one else’s from that thread and started fishing in the community about me being anti-bisexual.

 

Jon Jepsen and I've had issued since I caught him in a lie about the Kristen Ries Award...and I found out that he and Ha are roommates. So yes I might have been "insensitive" to bisexuals on a private post but NO ONE would have been offended unless they had been a member of that site.

 

I know it was Jon who gave the comments to Ha. He could not have had those comments otherwise... Both Charles Frost and Jerry Buie have seen the comments so I know where they came from...Now I am not worried about myself because I could give a rats ass but is this what the center has become? Having a hate list to smear people who might be honored, who are critical of the center? Shades of Nixonian paranoia...

 

 I am a big boy and don't give a shit about Jon or Steve who have contributed nothing to this community except sat on elitist  Boards so they can be invited to the right parties but I am concern that they will attack others in the community that don't have as tough a hide as this old rhinoceros has...

 

I am proud of my battle wounds... I wrote this on Face Book I have 28 years of service to the Gay community and a record of integrity and sacrifice. Let some insignificant people howl. I will still be here after they have burned out. Wouldn't be the first time I've been slandered. Probably won't be the last.

 

There are people in this community whose opinions of me I value above all else... But for some others not so much. But this is the kind of person we have running the Pride Center...Steve Ha. Instead of being man enough to talk to me, he has been calling people behind my back trying to solicit some dirt on me because he is pissed that SAGE chose to honor me for my long time service to the community...

 

I don't need honors to know what I've done in my life.  I think Ha's action is despicable and this shows his lack of character... Since his email is not listed I could not contact him to let him know what I think of him... Also since I cause so much heartburn to the powers that be, I am declining SAGEs kind offer to honor me... But I had such an out pouring of support and after I was assured by Jerry Buie that SAGE stands behind me 100 percent I reconsidered and agreed to accept the award.

 

He wrote me “Ben:  You might of heard that I'm now the chair person for Sage.  I want you to know that the board fully supports your nomination and desire to receive the Sage Award.  You are loved and appreciated for all your years of service and in particular a commitment to the history of our community. Who knew this was going to be controversial?  I want you to know we stand behind this choice and decision and will continue to do so.  I'm asking that you reconsider accepting the award.  I know you know who you are... but understand that by accepting this award you send a powerful message in BEHALF of Sager's..... that we stand tall in our history and in our accomplishments and are not so easily silenced.  The community needs you to have this award as it represents the spirit of community and service that so many of us honored in our journeys.   You are loved by many and I would ask that you reconsider the decline of the award, let us as a board take on the controversy and know that the honor is deeply deserving!” 

 

So never a dull moment around here.  Love from your controversial, still making waves and annoying the powers that be, friend.

 

Ben, Daisy, Lucky, and Buddy… it was cold the other night and they all thought they had to sleep with me.

 

3 October 2014 Friday

I took today off simply because I was tired. I am going to have to take even more time off throughout the year if I don’t want to exhaust myself.

 

Beautiful night out in Salt Lake City for Mormon Conference weekend. Went out to dinner with James Dabakis at Su Casa in the city and had a pleasant relaxing dinner and a comfortable visit. Even saw Bob McIntier who I had not seen in ages. First met him 1986 when I first came out and we were involved with the Restoration Church and Wasatch Affirmation. Very few people are still around that knew me when I was still married to Fran.

 

You can tell it's Conference weekend because driving home by the SunTrapp the street was packed with cars. Conference weekend historical the Gay Bars are packed... One of the fun facts about Salt Lake City.

 

Met up with Bill Poore to see how he's doing..

 

.I love early October in Salt Lake City the weather is the best and the moon is shining bright.

 

Here we go again Mormon General Conference... I wonder who they will bash this time with all the love they have in their hearts? They already sic the Danites I mean Church Lawyers on a friend of mine for exercising free speech... Oh well so it goes in Zion.

 

4 October 2014 Saturday

I don’t think I did anything today beyond grocery shopping. I remember seeing David Sharpton angry a lot back when, but I think I saw him the angriest when he came to Utah from Dallas as a speaker to an LDS social workers convention under the impression that the church was extending an Olive Branch to the Gay Community. Alan Gundry, Affirmation and other groups were told and lead to believe, that LDS church wanted to reconcile with the Gay community but as Sharpton soon learned Gundry who brought him to Utah was in actuality forming a Mormon Exodus Group later called Evergreen.

 

The LDS reconciliation was to turn Gays straight and bring them back into the fold... This was a major betrayal and many faithful Gay Mormons at this time were so disgusted they left the church for good.... And so it goes...but who remembers David Sharpton now? He founded the People With AIDS Coalition Utah and an Act Up group. Dead these some 20 years from AIDS... A look back in time.

 

In response to my comments about David, Michael Aaron wrote:  Sharpton changed the fabric of our community, so in a way we all remember him. Jon Schild wrote I was one of the first that fell for Gundry's lies and went to visit him. The man had no ethics at all. Ruadhan O'Sheridan said “I remember David very well. He also lived in the Riviera, but I think that was before you moved in there.” Garth Chamberlain wrote: David was my neighbor at the Riviera. He didn't have a phone so he would borrow mine. It had a very long cord and would reach his place thru the hallway.

 

5 October 2014 Sunday

I wrote Kyle Foote today in Manila Jail. “Dear Kyle, I hope you are well and are making good use of the time in Manila. I received two letters from you on October 3rd dated September 30 and October 1st. I will see what I can do about the magazine subscriptions.

 

I got you a $200 money order and will put it in the mail today along with this letter. Find out for me how much you can have in your account and I will try to send you some more. I am glad you have people you know from Gunnison. I hope they were friends. It’s sad about that 19 year old at Gunnison. I hope you didn’t know him.  I am sad that he saw his future without hope.

 

I received your application visitation request form but I was ahead of you. I already sent one in.  I will look into the phone call deal. I hope Manila has a set up to let inmates receive phone calls. It may be the best way to keep in touch beside letter writing since it’s such a long way away from Salt Lake City.

 

             It’s General Conference Weekend and from all the Face Book posts you’d think the Gays were storming the temple walls with buckets of tar and feathers. It’s Armageddon because Club Jam decided to have some fun and have a Missionary Theme for Conference Weekend.

 

For as long as I remember, and I know even before that, the Salt Lake Gay Bars were packed on Conference Weekend. The SUN use to have a huge banner saying, “welcome conference goers”. It was a well-known “secret” that Conference weekend was the time to get “intimate with a new found friend.”

 

Even some in the Gay community said Club Jam went too far… but you know the types; the wishy washy afraid to offend the oppressor because they might take back the crumbs they gave us.

 

I am pretty sure it's because we have conformed so much to straight society in order to be "accepted" that we have lost the appreciation of "CAMP" which was crucial to Gay men's culture  like forever... to make fun of everything and anything was part of who we were... It's the lack of appreciation of Camp, by Gay assimilationists  I think that is causing so much heartburn over JAM being so naughty this weekend. Hell even calling a bar JAM because it’s in the Marmalade District is CAMP... Camp drag gives heartburn to some people in this community... the Trans absolutely hate The Cyber Sluts, and Matrons of Mayhem, and even Dottie Dixon.

 

If you are offending someone in order to insure social justice, liberty, and freedom for the oppressed I say, “offend away”. The Abolitionists didn't care if they offended the slave owners. Liberators don't care a fig about the oppressors... Boo hoo you are being so negative and you expect them to respect us if we don’t respect them? Bull Pucky.

 

The Church's statement on Jam's Missionary Position Weekend said "In recent years many people in our community, including religious leaders and representatives of the LGBT community have worked hard to create greater understanding and develop more sensitivity and good will toward each other. It is sad to see events like this - deliberately designed to offend and alienate - given any kind of attention." I could hardly contain myself from spitting up laughing...That's a good one... so funny...

 

My old Queer Nation friend Curtis Jensen wrote this in response, “Blood boiling. Always the victims. Message to Mormons, you haven't been victims since you arrived in Utah. Get over yourselves. And tell me exactly what great strides you've made regarding the LGBT community? All you've done is deigning to "allow" a couple cities to pass some marginal, base level equality legislation (as long as it doesn't have anything to do with love, sex or relationships). You've also convinced people that you've somehow changed your policy regarding LGBT membership when you still cannot be a worthy member and an LGBT person with an active love, sex or relationship life with anyone other than some frigid sacrificial woman you offer up for us to marry.”  Matthew Lyon wrote, “I wasn't invited to any secret meetings, nor did I vote for anyone in the LGBT community to speak for me. I'm not interested in building bridges with these people--we've rolled over long enough. They can eat s**t and die!”

 

Then old Pharisee Dallin Oaks said Saturday night "When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously, and practice civility with our adversaries.” I loved it that he’s preparing Mormons to accept that the Mormon Million dollar anti-equality marriage crusade is a failure… but then he has to get a dig in.

 

It’s showing Gay people a lot of respect now isn't it calling us "adversaries!" He says to treat us civilly and then calls us adversaries? Well the Mormon Church teaches that Satan is the adversary so you know what camp Oaks thinks we are in. It's hard to believe the Mormon Church will ever embrace Gay people as long as we are the “adversaries”...

 

But who gives a s**t...I am an American and I demand my equal rights and don’t give a rat’s ass whether people like me or not... my rights don’ t depend of people’s opinions.

 

“Salt Lake City gay bar accused of mocking LDS Church Updated: Saturday, October 4, 2014 Chris Miller (KUTV) Club Jam at 751 North and 300 West in Salt Lake City, has a naked statue of Moroni guarding the entrance; the workers are wearing missionary nametags and there are signs advertising things like 'sacrament shots' and 'garment droppers'. Club management says it's their way of profiting from this weekend's LDS General Conference in Salt Lake City.

 

"We get a lot of out-of-towners, people just started showing up in their suits, wearing their former missionary name-badges and we decided to capitalize on it," says Megan Risbon, club manager.

 

Club Jam advertises itself as a gay bar. The establishment has been the venue for some controversial events in the past, but some are calling this weekend's party a desecration of things the religion holds sacred.

 

A Face book page touts the event as the 'Missionary Position Conference Weekend Party'. It offers free entry to those wearing "garments, missionary nametags, or their missionary suit." "We're not having people in garments dancing on the bar, we're not doing stuff like that, we're just having a good time," says Risbon.

 

While the bar says this type of event has been going on for years, at least one patron says this year they went too far.  "The gay community asks so much for tolerance and understanding of what they believe in," says Aubrie Scoffield, who frequently the club in the past. "They're not really broadcasting that to other people. Instead it just looks like they're mocking the LDS community in general."

 

Salt Lake's gay community is in the spotlight while the state fights a federal ruling legalizing same-sex marriage. Club Jam insists this event isn't meant to take a shot at the LDS church, or the state. "That is funny to me because we are a bar, our whole purpose is to have a good time and that's exactly what we're doing," says Risbon.

 

At least one patron will think twice before going back to Club Jam.  "It's changed my views on what they as a club stand for," says Scoffield.

 

The LDS church weighed-in through a written statement by spokesperson, Dale Jones: "In recent years many people in our community, including religious leaders and representatives of the LGBT community have worked hard to create greater understanding and develop more sensitivity and good will toward each other. It is sad to see events like this - deliberately designed to offend and alienate - given any kind of attention." In the interest of full disclosure, 2News has an employee with an ownership stake in Club Jam.”

 

Interesting that it was 40 years ago this weekend that the Mormons started their “War against Homosexuals.” At 1974 General Conference old Spencer W. Kimball, said "Every form of homosexuality is sin.”  They have been bad mouthing us ever since.[lots of laughter]

 

They went after Michael Ferguson big time too this weekend threatening him with a lawsuit.

 

“Paul Rolly: LDS Church quashes gay member’s fliers BY PAUL ROLLY THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE A gay Mormon who planned to hand out informational cards outside Temple Square during LDS General Conference this weekend has been served with a cease-and-desist order by church attorneys.

 

Michael Ferguson, a returned missionary, and his partner, J. Seth Anderson, became the first same-sex couple married in Salt Lake City after a federal judge ruled that Utah’s ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. The cards he had printed and planned to distribute on the sidewalk outside the temple grounds outlined the church’s position on gays and lesbians, as stated on the church’s official website, mormonsandgays.org. The cards also contained the web address for that site.

 

 Ferguson said he didn’t understand the objection since it’s the church’s own site. But what spawned the objection was that the card also contained the official logo of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said spokesman Dale Jones. “When an individual or group adds the church’s logo to a promotional item, it implies that the item has the church’s official stamp of approval,” Jones said. “That is not honest. Irrespective of the message contained in the promotional product, all organizations are obligated to protect their state and federally registered trademarks and logos.”

 

Ferguson said his intentions were merely to spread understanding and love and help Mormons understand their own church’s position on gays and lesbians through the church’s own writings. The card’s three bullet points, as explained through various interviews on the website, were that same-sex attraction is not a choice, that love is the greatest commandment and that therapy does not change one’s same-sex attraction.

 

“Those principles are important for [Mormons] to understand,” said Ferguson, noting that many Latter-day Saints believe wrongly that being gay is a choice and can be “cured” by therapy.

 

An ironic comparison • Ferguson planned to simply pass out the cards directing church members to the LDS official website on gays. As a believing Mormon, he planned to be peaceful and respectful. And while the cease-and-desist order resulted from the use of the copyrighted church logo, it’s still unsettling that a peaceful message sent by a fellow devotee of the faith is banned, while those obnoxious anti-Mormon “fundamentalists” can use their First Amendment rights to scream at Mormons walking to LDS General Conference, call them names and disrespect their sacred garments by waving them at attendees.”

 

            On Michael’s Face Book page his “Mormon Friends” are deriding him for being so “negative and bashing conference” and Michael is soooo tame but you know what a loud mouth I can be so I kind of hijacked the thread.

 

            I wrote: “Okay I will let others have the final word but it just amazes me that people on this thread who are supposed to be Michael's friends do not speak out against the LDS church opposition to Michael and Seth's marriage... that somehow it's a sham... a counterfeit... that they could not possibly love each other like heterosexuals do and would want legal protection for their commitment if not societal approve of their love. For all the "good" the church is supposed to be doing the cruelty towards Gay people who want to be married is despicable. And if you are not actively engaged in getting church leaders to drop opposition to secular marriage then you have no moral compass on what is decency. You can argue till the cows come home whether God approves or doesn't approve of Gay love within your own church BUT when your church spends millions to force others to live by their belief that is tyranny. All the LDS church has to say is drop their opposition to Gay marriage and every Mormon except the rabid homophobes would drop it too... And then the so called Gay Agenda would disappear as well.”

 

            Another news article stated “Mormon leader reiterates opposition to gay marriage at biannual conference Associated Press People fill their seats in the Conference Center before the start of opening session of the two-day Mormon church conference Saturday, Oct. 4, 2014, in Salt Lake City. SALT LAKE CITY —

 

 A high-ranking Mormon leader reiterated the church’s opposition to gay marriage, but he urged members to be gracious toward those who believe differently. Dallin H. Oaks of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ Quorum of the Twelve said Saturday during the faith’s biannual conference that legalizing same-sex marriage is among current world values that challenge Mormon beliefs.  But Oaks said that while Latter-day Saints may disagree with others, they should not be disagreeable or come off as contentious in explaining their beliefs.

 

The church’s stance on homosexuality has softened in recent years, but this is third consecutive conference in which leaders have said marriage should be limited to a man and a woman, as God created. In October 2013, Oaks said human laws cannot “make moral what God has declared immoral.”

 

Fine Dallin…I will stay out of your church if you stay out of my bedroom. You’d think Mormons would obsessed more over the fact that Mormon kids are getting sicker and sicker from the polluted air along the Wasatch Front. Mormons should be more interested in their children’s lungs than their genitalia.  But All Is Well All Is Well. Love Ben

 

6 October 2014 Monday

The U.S. Supreme Court denied review of a ruling from the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals that found Utah's ban on marriage equality unconstitutional, allowing same-sex couples in the state to begin marrying immediately. This is a very historic day for Utah...but it did not happen overnight. 40 years ago Spencer Kimball said at Conference homosexuality is a sin in every form giving the green light to persecute Gay people...

 

Heroic people like Joe Redburn opens the first openly gay bar in 1974 which became our defacto community center... Newspapers sprung up and Bob Waldrop challenged the state in court and won... Steve Holbrook creates KRCL and mandates there is always Gay programming in 1979... Michael Aaron helps create Gay Conferences at the University of Utah in the early 80s and the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah united the community and organizes Pride Day and the Utah Stonewall Center which was a catalyst for East High GSA in the mid-1990s which allowed Gay kids to come out in their teens!

 

David Nelson forms Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats that made the Gay community politically powerful... James Dabakis creates Equality Utah in early 2000 to capture the momentum... And grassroots activist Mark Lawrence seizes the moment and pushes for marriage equality... Each step built upon a previous one... I want to thank everyone and anyone who took an active role in pushing against oppression in Utah to get us all to this day of Jubilation... We are family friends and lovers and children .... Tears and fears could not hold back the march of Justice and Liberty which is the American promise... We Gay people must continue to fight for justice and equality for all people

 

With every new beginning there is also an ending. Today was probably the most significant event in my lifetime since the Stonewall uprising in 1969 when I was 18. I did not and could not have known the ramifications of that event in my life and the same can be said of October 6.

 

I spent all evening not at a rally but in front of my computer compiling a list on behalf of Mark Lawrence of community members and activists that did not live to see this day...it was a somber task. I read through the hundreds of deaths from AIDS of people who were survived by "special friend" "longtime companion" "life partner". I read through the suicides of people too hurting and too weary to continue the battle...

 

I saw the remnant of what use to be a community where we cared for one another, loved one another, fought with one another like families do. I believe that the event of yesterday will make the last vestige of a Gay community an anachronism. Perhaps that is a good thing...perhaps it is not. Will it create a new caste system of married Gays and unmarried Gays?

 

Will Gays not wishing to marry and create families be stigmatized as in the heterosexual world? Will we even have a concept of being a folk anymore? Will we need an identity or a history? Time will only tell if the generation that grows up without a connection to the struggle will be better off or worse. For me the journey was every bit as important as the destination... Just reflecting and trying to process the impact of what marriage equality will have on the institutions we built to protect us and serve us...where do we go from here if we are no longer "queer".

 

There was some joy being in the Gay ghetto surrounded by one’s own, nurtured by the creativity, passion, and inspiration of people with common hopes and dreams...who relished being Gay in a conclave of friends and lovers unanswerable to the dictates of a heterosexual conformist society. When in any apartment building downtown at least a fourth of the tenants were Gay and within this community you could shed the facade of heterosexualism and be authentic....

 

 But coming out of the shadows into a new dawn too is evolution... And you either adapt or die... But I never thought of the ghetto as a reservation or plantation as much as an oasis or even a fortress against a society that wished we didn't exist. When the Salt Palace destroyed Japanese Town it scattered the Japanese people among the general population...destroying its culture and a sense of identity... Something was gained but something was lost... No value judgment here ... Just an observation

 

Kevin Scott wrote me: Great comments. A recent post of yours has stuck with me, about the death of the gay community. You had some great points. At the same time I wondered if they weren't just byproducts of winning the war. It's sad to see solidarity wane, and yet we shouldn't long for the plantation/reservation. There's another generation, like all generations before, unaware and unappreciative. Thanks for the clarification Ben. I must say that I envy that sense of community, I only came out 7 or so years ago and the community that I found (and continue to find) is in the various clubs I joined - QUAC, Spicy Dinner, Hiking, Gardening, SAGE, etc. The importance of bar culture had waned with the internet encroaching that territory.

 

Michael Sanders wrote this observation: “Having lived my pre-Utah life in New York City, and growing up in downtown Philadelphia, I spent the majority of my life surrounded by people that did not care about my sexual orientation. Traveling the world, spending time in cities like London, Paris, Amsterdam, Rio.... etc. I also felt the same laissez-faire attitude. I also always felt a sense of camaraderie and belonging within the LGBTQ communities that was very accepting, and I am not just talking about sexual orientation. Here in Utah, the "local culture" breeds non-acceptance that crosses all boundaries of all the demographics. I am fortunate to have grown up in an environment where differences were celebrated not scorned. In an LGBTQ world where men in leather danced with drag queens. Where black and white were colors that mixed as easily in the nightclubs as the on the runways. Where people worked together to combat ignorance and disease. As an outsider, (6 years in Utah this week) it is easy for me to see how the Utah community embraces the Caucasian hetero-normative ideal and dismisses or holds any variation in contempt. It is hard to unlearn a value structure that you are raised with, especially when you are surrounded by a majority that are like-minded. Therefore Ben, you and I will always be the bad boys behind the casserole curtain.

 

Bill Poore responded to Michael Sanders comments saying: Michael that is the best objective description of "Utah Gay Culture" Having moved back after being gone over 25 five years I felt like a stranger in a strange land. I was used to that totally blended community where I lived in NYC. In the Village, we were black, tran, lesbian, white, leather, drag. There was not the anger you feel here, between the groups here. Utah likes to put people in boxes and it is hard to blend when you are a box. This community really has to get over it differences and just see one family.

 

Michael Aaron West observed “Can I give you a view from our new world as Gay dads...? I met my husband in 1995 at the Utah Stonewall Center and then we left Salt Lake City in 97 and have lived all over this country. In 2008 we moved to Maryland to have a child biologically with a transman. Our son was born in 2009 and since then we have watched gay culture slowly disappear from our lives.....and we miss it dearly..

 

I experienced our community plenty working for years professionally with LGBT organizations and centers and also I was a very active part of the national bear scene as a performer (singer/songwriter). But since we had a child we would find all single or even coupled gay men turn their backs on us, we struggled to make friends and keep them. Gay men wanted nothing to do with family men with kids.

 

But then "The Modern Family movement" or "the light blue polo shirt movement" (as I call it) began and all gay men wanted to marry and have kids. And now even though there is a growing base of men with kids, there are emerging cliques within it. Our family is very blue collar and middle class....and we have found it hard to make friends with new Dad's with money, huge houses and several adopted children of all races. It's the whole "A" class "D" class thing that we would see in the Bear community.

 

Also we have now found it hard to have a biological child and be accepted in a groups of new dads who have adopted children of other races....and we find it so freaking strange... I am sure there are folks out there for us...but for now the most welcoming people have been straight people and a few lesbian moms...but otherwise attempting to regain "gay" culture back in our lives has been very tough.

 

Of course we do have gay friends all over the country who we connect with via Face book, but it's not the same world we long for...that world was sitting and watching "The Women" with Ben and Michael back in our 20's and feeling at home...that world was showing a membership card at the door of the Sun for a drag show. That world was living in Ft. Lauderdale in the late 90's and living in an awesome all gay apt complex (gay ghetto).

 

That world was Pride days that didn't have corporate sponsorships from Delta and Verizon. That world was being out and proud and loud and not having to sport Gap clothing. That world was leather clubs and dance music. That world was having several close friends who were drag performers. That world was were the word "family" had a much different meaning....and lastly that world was late nights with people who were the family you chose...not the family you were born into.

 

I hope and pray that the LGBT community can carve out a "new" culture that survives these new modern families with light blue Polo shirts...because I for one miss the GLITTER!

 

I responded to Michael Aaron West saying “I really appreciate your views Michael... Never been a biological father, I do feel like a gay father to a lot of young men finding their way... The greatest work you have is your son but you don't have extended family around you to help... I know that has to be hard... Utah is pretty family friendly and hopeful gay dads here have other resources... Thus far Gay men couples have not been allowed to adopt here so an A list has not developed here yet ... I taught over 500 children in my career so I am way over child rearing [laughing out loud] I want to adopt someone old enough to do windows... Until then I have 3 furry babies.”

 

Weston Clark wrote: “Ben you are a hero. I posted some similar thoughts (without the authority you have) on the matter yesterday. I am so excited for our future - it is what we fought for. But I also am sad that this might mean the passing of what makes us all us. I hope it doesn't - but I think it will take work on the part of our community to keep us from "disbanding." Your record of our history is beyond important. I seriously feel so strongly we need to memorialize it ALL in a museum we can all see, use, and reflect upon regularly.

 

Mark Lawrence also commented “Thank you Ben. A thought that I've had lately Michael, I haven't nor ever will have children. But maybe, just maybe it's my job to help you with your job. Maybe me and those like me are to help open the doors for you and your family. Just a thought. There is still plenty of glitter my friend.”

 

I finished by saying “I agree with Mark we still are family. Many of the Gay men of my generation, only had children if they had been married to a woman...  Most of the rest were too busy fighting for our rights, dancing and fucking, and trying to figure out what it meant to be Gay. We were a generation without guidelines, boundaries or limits. After all we were the first in any significant numbers to identify as Gay...we screwed up a lot but eventually did more good than harm. I think the next generation after ours  know now how to protect themselves from AIDS and know the value of relationships over excessive indulgences but now this 3rd generation from Stonewall does not think about AIDS at all , do not think about a us as a community as we knew it but they do  think a lot about marriage and children and friends... And so it goes

 

7 October 2014 Tuesday

Sad news that Bob Henline and family is moving to Big Sky Country, sad for us but new opportunities for him...

 

What's with all this call for civility by Mormons over the Supreme Court’s decision? Do Mormons think we will run amok drunk with power and make fun of green jello? I am certainly hoping that admonition is directed at Gayle Ruzicka, the Sutherland Institute, Mary Summerhays, and Mike Lee and not at us...

 

Is gloating at not being a second class citizen being uncivil? Funny how the oppressor wants the oppressed to be civil after they lose in court. Mormon legislators are lining up to make religious exemptions to Gay rights in Utah. Some doofus even wanted to call Gay marriage “pairage” to distinguish from straight marriages. I sure love the Mormon idea of what it means to be civil.

 

 Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, while talking to reporters Tuesday, said he shares concerns about ramifications of the court case. "You can’t even begin to think of all the things the LGBT community can come up with to demand certain privileges and rights," Hatch said. "So I think it‘s just the beginning of some very trying times for people who feel otherwise. And I think it’s the beginning of trying times for folks who are gay."

 

Bill Poore commented “I told you the legislators will come out shooting both barrels, they will not take this lying down. Gayle, Summerhays, Engar, and the Sutherlands will attack stronger than before. Watch there will be tons of new bills purposed, passed and signed into law that will have to be challenged in court. This is going to get really ugly really fast.”

 

About 25 years ago an organization called The Desert and Mountain States conference sent delegates to a yearly conference to meet and plan with gays in states with similar issues...the states were Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and Utah... We were a fierce little group and Utah was almost entirely funded by a drag group called the Love Birds...founded by Curtis Jensen and Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin... Now all these years later Utah led the way for Marriage Equality in all these states except AZ and NV .... Grassroots are the best roots because they go deep and aren't like tumbleweeds which go whichever way the wind blows

 

The term Pairage generated a lot of discussion on Face book. Bob Henline said, “How is "pairage" civil?” and  Michael Sanders sad pairage is a term for shoes, not people. I wrote that “I think legal fornication should be used instead of marriage.” Kevin Scott wrote, “I thought pairage had something to do with partridges...”

 

Of course they have to have another name for us so their children will know good married people from bad parried people. They will explain “We are married little Nephi but they are parried” or as I like to say Gentile fornicators.

 

Jon Schild snarkily said “Has Boyd K Packer had his heart attack yet? Just curious.”

 

Becky Moss wrote “Yes, I had a part in this. Along with many others. Too many did not live long enough to see this day. Please live well, marry well, love well and honor those who went before us. Mark Lawrence - Thank-you for not listening to the "No, it is too early to go after marriage equality". Once again, it takes one person to change the world! Ben Williams is working on the list of those who did not live to see this day. I look forward to that list, as you can all imagine, I knew so many of them and I wish they could see what Ben and I get to see!

 

Comments about the Desert and Mountain States Conference included details about the Love Birds. Curtis Jensen wrote: Thanks for the recognition Ben. I will clarify this by saying that Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin founded the Lovebirds before I was involved, and I was on the board of DMSLGC and needed to raise money for the conference. I approached Greg, having seen his Lulene act about hosting a drag show fundraiser. He agreed but only if I would be his "drag virgin" for Closet Ball and perform with him as a Lovebird that night. I agreed and ended up performing as Marlene Lovebird with Greg and a rotating "3rd bird"  for the next 3 years.

 

I added There was always a third Love Bird but like Curly in the 3 Stooges he was always being replaced.

 

Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin wrote: Back then we only charged $3.00 "suggested donation" But we packed the club with our friends, families and oh course our fans. It seemed we always made no less than $500.00 for an event. The friendships we made in the community have lasted for years and once in a while someone will remind me of such & such. I'm honored that my small contribution to the community is remembered by your postings. I love and miss all of The Lovebirds. Hugs To all!

 

Curtis Jensen said $500 paid for several registration scholarships for the conference. It seems like peanuts to us now, but back then it was a nice chunk of change and met our fundraising goals.

 

Michael Aaron stated “I went to at least one of those conferences. I remember” and I commented that the Love Birds were the only drag act to perform at Abravanel Hall

 

Al Miller wrote “I love your view and history messages” and Sheri Morris said “I love these treasures. Thank you!”

 

8 October 2014 Wednesday

The 10th Circuit Court lifted all ban on benefits for Gay and Lesbian couples today. We can adopt, get married, and have inheritance rights. What assholes, like Gayle Ruzicka, the Sutherland Institute, and Mary Summerhays, fail to realize is that while I probably will never marry again in my life it is nice for that to be MY choice and not theirs.

 

It’s been two days now... the sky is still blue, the sun is still shinning, straights are still marrying, people are still having babies in Utah, and I'm still waiting to see how letting Gay people get married is the end of the world as we know it.

 

Did anyone's marriage break up and I just didn't hear about it? Maybe I should sit in divorce court and see if there's a sudden influx of divorce cases...the Conservatives promised that Gay marriage would do irreparable harm...

 

Should I give it a week? How long is enough time to say perhaps some people are just plain old bigots using religion to justify their ugliness.

 

I hear it all the time “I don't vote because there's no difference between Democrats and Republicans”. I wonder how many of the 1300 couples married last year will not vote in this mid-term election? Even more disheartening how many will vote Republican? I hope I am not just being cynical.

 

Mormon Patriarchs are already lining up bills to punish Gay people in Utah for the audacity to demand rights given to all Americans...there will be as much civility there as there was in 1996 when Mormon Republicans held a close door session and gay bashed without restraint...

 

More Gay Mormons have committed suicide from the Patriarchs' teachings than people massacred by their ancestors in Southern Utah... I hope Mormon Patriarchs will be civil as Oaks suggested but since he is the proponent of the "lying for the Lord" concept I doubt it...

 

As an educator we now are so scripted on what to teach, how to teach how many minutes to teach a subject and gather data data data ... Today I said fuck it... These kids are 10 years old...it's October and we are making paper Halloween bats to swing from a string... The kids were shocked and delighted...I have made these construction paper 3 dimensional mobiles for over 40 years even when I was student teaching and substitute teaching... This is my last year and these kids are going to have a creative fantasy Halloween like every other class I have ever taught..

 

They won't remember multiplying and dividing by power of 10 which we did today but they will remember how cool it was to construct paper bats and swing them around. Tomorrow we will draw Jack o lanterns using perspective and shading! Fire me I don't care.

 

I am exhausted from all hullabaloo over marriage equality...I get so worked up... But I have been an social activist from my college days when I attended marches and moratoriums against the Vietnam war ...I use to be able to say The War and everyone would know what I was talking about but we have had so many wars since then...

 

So I just went and soaked in the hot tub while the cooling evening air and the lengthening shadows swept over the pups and me, my faithful friends by my side reminding me how sweet it is to be still and in the moment.

 

I keep saying it and I don't care who it offends but you know Republicans really are bastards... They refuse to consider raising the minimum wage...which is $7.25 in Utah...a working mom would have to work 3 hours for a bucket of KFC chicken...if she went to McDonald's for lunch a combo meal would about take an hour of her wages... I wouldn't pay someone $7.25 to clean my house for an hour because I would feel like a low life... Romney can have an elevator for his car CEOS can make million dollar bonuses ... But we can't pay people $10 an hour? Grinding the face of the Poor is what GOP really means...

 

My cousin’s son Chris Johnson wrote “Marriage is considered by many to be just one of many important milestones in life. Some people are already married. Some people may never get married. Some people will get married at some point in the future. Some people enjoy being married so much that they will do it many times. Good for you! Gay people who want to marry have no desire to redefine marriage in any way. When women received the right to vote, they did not redefine voting. When African-Americans got the right to sit at a lunch counter alongside white people, they did not redefine eating out. They simply were invited to the table along with everyone else.”

 

Ruadhan O'Sheridan commented  about my Gay fatigue, “You know, it is a long-term adrenaline high when you are a part of history, particularly the history of our own small pond of the gay world. After THAT moment when the world recrystallizes in your consciousness is a powerful trip that you don't want to come down from. You have been a part of the stream that is the Utah LGBT community for a very long time (especially in gay years). I imagine this sudden transition was more powerful for you in a lot of ways. I am not surprised at all that you are exhausted.”

 

I replied, “You are so wise....You maintain a state of battle readiness for so long that when you realize it's over there’s a sense of battle fatigue finally.”

 

Kevin Scott wrote “And to think I sometimes feel all rallied out...”

 

9 October 2014 Thursday

Today I moved into my home 18 years ago. I had a 7 months wait for them to build it. I had to landscape it, every blade of grass every tree, every flower and every bush I planted myself. Michael Romero and I had to paint all the rooms too.

 

It's been the home of Billy Cat, and my dogs Oscar, Priscilla, Saffy, Smokey, Daisy, Buddy, and Lucky and Coco who hangs out during the day...

 

Cooked a lot of meals here and slept many nights...it's been a home never just a residence... I am the longest staying person in this entire neighborhood that has changed so much over the years.

 

10 October 2014 Friday

The Restore Our Humanity Rally to honor those who did not live to see this day was held at Washington Square to celebrate marriage equality in Utah.  It was sparsely attended, probably 100 people but Sim Gill talked from the heart and Michael Aaron gave a rousing speech on how one person’s decision to come out can affect a community. Mark Lawrence called a few youth to come up and said its time to pass the baton to them that we old people are tired.

 

At the end glow sticks were passed out instead of candles as Becky Moss, David Andreason, Connell O'Donovan, Michael Aaron, Valerie Larabee, Mark Lawrence, another fellow named Tuttle read off names of those from our community who did not leave to see this day. I started it off and I remarked that as I was compiling this list from the he obituaries I kept, that I saw a lot folks called of longtime companion, life mates, special friend but never a husband. I said because of Mark we now can say husband or wife”.  After wards I took Chuck Whyte out to dinner.

 

Bob Henline’s observations –“Not as big of a crowd as we'd hoped for tonight, but a powerful and moving tribute to those who came before us in the fight for equality. Thank you to everyone who attended and paid their respects. Special thanks to Michael Aaron Green, Becky Moss, Ben Williams, David Andreason, Connell O'Donovan, Bob Tuttle, and Valerie Larrabee for helping honor those who didn't live to this milestone. Also thanks to Charles Stormont, Sim Gill, Jolene Mewing and Colleen Mewing, and of course, Mark Lawrence.”

 

Mark Lawrence commented “It was a beautiful crowd and thanks to Charles Stormont , Sim Gill, Valarie Larrabee and all those who participated . I think we have closure and now we can move forward.” Colleen Mewing added “We are so proud to have been a part of Humanity Restored! We shall always be grateful for all that Restore Our Humanity has done to bring marriage equality to Utah!”

 

Jon Schild commented “Too bad Kathy Worthington didn't make it.” Amy Barry said, “With Sim and Stormont we have 2 great candidates.”

 

Chuck Whyte wrote “Thank You Mark Lawrence for including the past ,present ,and future of our community, It personally meant a lot to me.” David Andreason stated, “I love and appreciate you, Mr. Williams.”

11 October 2014 Saturday

I was 34 when I came out permanently in 1986 although I tried when I was 20 years old in college while attending Cal State Fullerton’s Gay Student Union in 1971... I was too young and the movement too new... I think if I would have come out then I'd never had moved to Utah and I probably would have been an AIDS statistic ... There's a reason for everything.

 

...Went to the SAGE Fall Potluck with Chuck Whyte and Bill Poore... I made stuffed pork-loin cutlets with pork gravy and apple slices for the pot luck this evening at 6 at Liberty Park. I was supposed to make a dessert but I had a pork-loin the needed to be used up. I also brought tomatoes from garden to use up before the frost gets them.

 

I saw Garth Chamberlain there so I had him sit with Amy Barry at our table... Good turnout considering all that is going in on... I got a plaque honoring my contributions to our community while I was there... It was a nice gesture and getting a standing ovation was touching but as I said we do what we do because we are a family.

 

I was disappointed, however, that Charles Frost didn’t give me the award but handed it off to someone who really didn’t even know me. But still it was nice to be recognized.

 

Bill Poore said to me “I am so happy you took that award.  I have to say I worked up a tear when they all stood for you....I feel that was showing real appreciation for all you have done.  I never want you to ever say to me again no cares for all you have done. I had a good time. I campaigned for Dominique Storni for an award.....another good person would be David Andreason

 

I said “I am pushing for Courtney Moser ... He's been an activist up in Logan for 20 years and there would not have been a community up there without him. He created Weenie World up Logan to pass out condoms for men cruising during the aids epidemic and now he's raising 1000s of dollars when he took over the Matron of Mayhem from Donald Steward. But they will probably give it to Troy Williams or Steve Ha... All is forgiven with Dayne Law... He was nearly in tears apologizing to me and I told him it's okay we all of family and we say things we regret later but we are still family... I gave him a hug... I know he has worries and troubles we can't understand or appreciate. Trans folks are so hormonal.

 

Bill then said “Dayne has MS, and other issues, in pain all the time. I am happy he came and talked to you. I congratulated him after I saw him talking to you. I told him that we need to get the senior community and the trans together in more social situations.  He said if we just got to know each and our stories that would go a long ways in bridging the gap.”

 

I replied, “yep coming together but the Pride Center won't let that happen.” Bob Henline wrote regarding my almost not accepting the SAGE Award referring to Steven Ha “Glad to see you didn't let that little shit push you away, Ben.”  Bill Poore said, “ It is by the Grace of God that you were there to receive it, thanks to all your loving friends.” Douglas Cartier  then wrote “Congrats! Glad you took the award. You deserve it!” Bill Poore responded about me being mad, “We held our breath there for a while Douglas, she was on one there for a few days.”

 

Kevin Scott added “And this one isn't a pity like my friend, the vote was unanimous. This was well deserved.” Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin said, “Ben, You are so loving and caring of the time that you have given to the "community". I love you for being you! Hugs!

 

12 October 2014 Sunday

John Wilkes sent me a photo from the SAGE event last night of me getting the award and another one of me gabby up a storm and drinking a big gulp [lots of laughter] Garth Chamberlain is sitting next to me in his kilt.  I've known Garth since he was 18 or 19. He founded with others a Gay Youth Group back in the 1980's and a big supporter of the Utah Stonewall Center. Glad to see him getting out again. In the picture also right behind my right shoulder is Bill Poore a curmudgeon like me [but we earned it] and his back turned to me is Jose Castillo who lives out by me.

 

Thanks again to SAGE for giving me an award even if as Chip said it was "controversial".... Hahahaha... How do you get anything done if you are not? But I am still around and probably will be controversial for a few more years.

 

Wait until my journals are published posthumously... Good thing I'm going to be cremated or they would hang me [lots of laughter]

 

Texas chili and corn bread on this cool October day with all the beautiful leaves showing in their glory before they fade away to become new life in the Spring.

 

I invited Bill Poore over for lunch and we visited, argued, discussed, and had fun. Now I am laying in the hot tub relaxing as the leaves fall around me...I am so grateful to Kyle G. Daniels and Amy Barry for putting a roof over this old man's head last summer... one less worry for this fall and winter.

 

I think it would be fun to organize a Friend of the Utah Stonewall Center Reunion pot luck to get together and celebrate with our old activist friends and supporters from 20 years ago... for those that are still here that is...

 

A comment that Bob Henline's brother posted a few days ago made me reflex on the activism that goes on in Utah over the years. He said that Utah' Gay community had changed the lives of countless people. When I think of it in those terms I am proud of what "small but proud" Utah has done that will benefit all our Gay brothers and sisters and the Trans Communities throughout the United States.

 

It was Mark Lawrence a Gay Utahn that set in motion the domino Court decisions striking down marriage inequality. It was a Derek Kitchen's courage to put his name on a lawsuit against Gov. Gary Herbert. It was three Gay and Lesbian Utah Couples that challenged bigotry and prejudice for all Americans. I am so proud to be connected with this "small but proud" Utah Gay community one that know what public service and sacrifice for others is all about...

 

Mormon Families should be proud that they instilled these values of volunteerism and leadership into their Gay children. It’s been a real honor to be part of this great community (as dysfunctional as it can be at times) and a real honor to have known such sterling progressive people that won't take "NO" for an answer. I cherished fighting the good fight with so many.

 

13 October 2014 Monday

Back to work for a short week…If I did anything different than I always do I can’t remember it. Still no letter from Kyle Foote. I am sure one will come tomorrow. 

 

American attention span is so short. A couple of weeks ago it was all about ISIS now it’s all about Ebola.

 

14 October 2014 Tuesday

I decided to take tomorrow off if I am going to go see Kyle Foote. I need an extra day to do chores and just relax. That trip I know is going to wipe me out. I was looking for a letter today from Kyle but still none in the mail box. I feel kind of forgotten now that he’s settled in Manila and I sent him his money.

 

I watched more of True Blood tonight.

 

Been going to bed early. I didn’t sleep well last night and I am constipated for some reason which I rarely am so having to deal with that. I guess it’s prune juice tomorrow, [lots of laughter].

 

A second health worker has come down with Ebola in Dallas who treated that man Duncan who died last week after coming from Liberia. Everyone among the conservative commentators are blaming Obama of course.

 

15 October 2014 Wednesday

I decided not to go see Kyle Foote today or this weekend even though his 35th birthday is Friday. Part of the reason is that I haven’t had a letter from him in ten days. I really expected him to write back at least that he got the money I sent him. Part of me thinks do I really mean that much to him or am I just living in a fool’s paradise.

 

When I got the envelope that his friend Todd Milliner sent him containing the pictures and graphing paper he had left behind at Gunnison among his stuff was two post cards from Alexis Baigue of the Salt Lake Acting Company which were very sexually suggestive.

 

It brought back a lot of old jealousies to me and once again made me realize I am really nothing more than a “useable friend”; and my affection for him runs much deeper than that. How would I not go through heartbreak again, if just simple postcards reminded me of my status with him?

 

I have been melancholy and blue since receiving the package. Kyle led so many secret lives. None of them authentic. He says in his many letters that he had changed, come to realize the harm he had done…I’d like to believe him but I don’t want to go through a broken heart again at my age.

 

So I spent all morning writing a very long letter to him and sent it to him in two parts. Hopefully he will get it on his birthday along with the $50 money order I sent. That’s $300 I’ve sent him since he landed in Daggett County. But I just don’t have the energy to spend three hours driving  mostly through Wyoming to see him behind a barrier for a few hours before making the long journey back.

 

Strange I had so looked forward to seeing him on his birthday. Not every dream comes true.

 

Since I spent all of my morning doing very little else I called Chuck Whyte to see if he’d like to go to lunch, which I had no doubt that he would. Picked him up at 1:00 and went to his favorite Chuck A Rama on 4th and 8th because he can fill up all he wants. I had a salad and some chicken wings and some BBQ pork and even I felt like I ate way too much.

 

Nothing new in Chuck’s world but he did tell me that the Center had hired a security guard. Wow. All the time we were at the Utah Stonewall Center we never felt that insecure or afraid.

 

It was a very warm and windy day. It reminded me a lot of fall in California when the warm winds came down the Canyons. It wasn’t a Santa Ana Wind,  but still really breezy and warm. Thirty miles an hour winds at the airport.

 

After dropping Chuck off I went to the Bishop Storehouse Deseret Industries were I found some good buys. I bought  a 13 inch Pyrex baking dish for $2.00, a metal pentagon star like I have over the garage for $4. I think I paid nearly $20 for the one I bought at Lowe’s. Bought sundry cups and dishes too. I am such a kitchen queen.

 

From there went to Smith’s and picked up my Insulin and some groceries.  After taking Coco home I was in for the evening. I was really tired for some reason so I think a long trip would have done me in.

 

My cousin Frances Ann said my aunt Mattie Lee Williams  is sinking fast. She is my last Aunt and that is just by marriage. She was a Jernigan and a girlhood friend of my mom’s there at Hart Camp and Spade. Her father was the bus driver for Hart Camp School. Well that’s about it for a long day.

 

This is the letter I wrote: Dear Kyle, I was so looking to see you on your birthday but I guess it was not meant to be this year. I’ve caught a cold from the kids at school and was hoping that it would get better this week but with the cold medicine I am taking I thought I better not chance it.

 

I still have not heard back from Manila about being able to see you without a barrier visit which would probably would have been okay because then you wouldn’t have caught my cold. But the Nyquil I have been taken probably would have gotten me arrested for a DUI. [lots of laughter]

 

I took the day off to rest but I am afraid this letter will have to suffice in lieu of a long visit. I haven’t heard from you since the 1st of October. I hope all is well with you and that you got the $200 I sent you.

 

 Since Daggett doesn’t have an online service I have no way of knowing whether you got the cashier check okay or not. I had The Week, and Time, and This Old House subscriptions changed over to Daggett but they said it probably will be November before you start seeing them. Hopefully they will send back issues. I asked Michael Aaron to send the Q to Daggett also.  If you have any other magazines that need to be rerouted just let me know and I will see what I can do about it.

 

I got on the Securus Site and they didn’t show they had service to Daggett on their Webpage…so I don’t think calling is much of an option. It was the first of October 2010 that you moved in with me and it was the 1st of October 2011 that house felt empty again. The 9th of October marked when I had moved into my home 18 years ago...I had a 7 months wait for them to build it, then I had to landscape it and paint all the rooms...every blade of grass every tree, every flower and every bush I planted myself. It's been the home of Billy Cat, Oscar, Priscilla, Saffy, Smokey, Daisy, Buddy, and Lucky and now Coco even hangs out during the day... I’ve cooked a lot of meals here and slept here many nights...it's always been a home never just a residence for me...

 

I’ve lived with Michael Romero, Mark Anderson, Levon Mirakyan and you here. Of all of them I miss you the most. Strange.  I am now the longest staying person in this entire neighborhood that has changed so much over the years.

 

The people who bought the house across the street have it in a continual state of upheaval. I have no idea what they hope accomplish there.

 

About a week ago I got a package in the mail from your friend Todd Milliner from Gunnison. It contained your old drafting papers and designs, and I guess pictures you had cut from my letters that had sticky stuff on the back that I guess you used to put them around your bed.  There wasn’t a letter or anything in it just random stuff I guess he figured you might want to keep, some postcards etc. He must have thought a lot of you because it cost him nearly $6 to mail it and I know in terms of prison money that is a lot.

 

I never heard back from you whether you can have more than $290 in your account but I will send $50 along with this letter and I hope you get it on your birthday but perhaps not…Just know I am thinking of you and wishing that your 35th year will be so much better than last year and perhaps you might be released early.        

 

I know you have been following the news. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it that after all these years and in my life time all people can marriage the people they love. Now perhaps your dream of marrying someday and having children will come true for you. That boat sailed for me many, many years ago.

 

I heard the news the day after I mailed you off a letter when I was driving into work and at first I thought the Supreme Court had denied Marriage Equality because I was so geared for defeat but once I realized that the Supreme Court had refused to hear Governor Herbert’s defense of Amendment 4 I nearly burst into tear but I was, from that point on, smiling all day.

 

 My cousin’s son Chris Johnson wrote me this that I thought was really profound. “Marriage is considered by many to be just one of many important milestones in life. Some people are already married. Some people may never get married. Some people will get married at some point in the future. Some people enjoy being married so much that they will do it many times. Good for you! Gay people who want to marry have no desire to redefine marriage in any way. When women received the right to vote, they did not redefine voting. When African-Americans got the right to sit at a lunch counter alongside white people, they did not redefine eating out. They simply were invited to the table along with everyone else.”

 

What assholes like Gayle Ruzicka, the Sutherland Institute, and Mary Summerhays fail to realize is that while I probably will never marry again in my life, it is nice for that to be MY choice and not theirs.  It’s been two weeks now... the sky is still blue, the sun is still shinning, straights are still marrying, people are still having babies in Utah, and I'm still waiting to see how letting Gay people get married is the end of the world as we know it. I don’t know of any straight couple seeking a divorce because Gays can marry… maybe  I just didn't hear about it? [lots of laughter], The Conservatives bigots promised that Gay marriage would do irreparable harm to society… the same asses said the same about interracial marriage 40 years ago and look now we have an interracial president!

 

Maybe that is what they mean [lots of laughter] In 40 years will we have a Gay President? More than likely a Lesbian will be president first [lots of laughter]... These bigots all bitch that the Bible has anti-homosexual passages but they all ignore the PRO SLAVERY passages. How long is enough time to say that perhaps some people are just plain old bigots using religion to justify their ugly hatefulness?

 

So It was a very historic day for Utah but it did not happen overnight. 40 years ago Spencer Kimball almost to the day had said at General Conference that homosexuality “is a sin in every form” which gave the green light to persecute Gay people for most of my adult life. But that same year heroic people like Joe Redburn opened the first openly gay bar which during the 1970’s became our defacto community center... Newspapers sprung up and Bob Waldrop challenged the state in court and won... Steve Holbrook created KRCL and mandated there always will be Gay programming... Michael Aaron Green helped create Gay Conferences at the U of U in the early 80s and the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah united the community in1986 and organized Pride Day and the Utah Stonewall Center which was the catalyst for East High GSA in the mid-1990s which allowed Gay kids to come out in their teens! David Nelson formed Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats that made the Gay community politically powerful... James Dabakis then created Equality Utah in early 2000 to capture the momentum... And grassroots activist Mark Lawrence seized the moment and pushes for marriage equality when the bureaucratic HRC and EU and Pride Center tried to shut him down saying it wasn’t the time .. Each step built upon a previous one...

 

However with every new beginning there is also an ending. October 6th was probably the most significant event in my lifetime since the Stonewall uprising in 1969 when I was 18. I did not and could not have known the ramifications of that event in my life and the same can be said of October 6. I spent all evening not at a rally but in front of my computer compiling a list on behalf of Mark Lawrence of our community members and activists that did not live to see the day...it was a somber task.

 

I read through the hundreds of deaths from AIDS of people who were survived by "special friend" "longtime companion" "life partner". I read through the suicides of people too hurting and too weary to continue the battle...I saw the remnant of what use to be a community where we cared for one another, loved one another, fought with one another like families do.  Sadly I believe that the event marriage equality will make the last vestige of a Gay community an anachronism. Perhaps that is a good thing...perhaps it is not.

 

I wonder will it create a new caste system of married Gays and unmarried Gays? Will Gays not wishing to marry and create families be stigmatized as unmarried are in the heterosexual world? Will we lose the concept of being a queer folk? Will we even need our own identity or a history? Time will only tell if the generation that grows up without a connection to the struggle for Gay Civil Rights will be better off or worse. All ready for young Gay people the new struggle is for Trans rights not Gay rights as if sexual orientation is passé’ and the only thing that matters is gender identity.

 

For me the journey for civil rights was every bit as important as the destination... So I am reflecting and trying to process the impact of what marriage equality will have on the institutions we built to protect us and serve us...where do we go from here if we are no longer "queer".  Is the “Gay Community” a dead concept?

 

There was some joy being in the “ghetto” surrounded by one’s own, nurtured by the creativity, passion, and inspiration of people with common hopes and dreams...who relished being Gay in a conclave of friends and lovers unanswerable to the dictates of a heterosexual conformist society. Within any apartment building downtown, at least a fourth of the tenants were Gay back in the 1970’s 80’s and 90’s and within this community you could shed the facade of heterosexualism and be your authentic self.... But I suppose coming out of the shadows into a new dawn to is evolution... And I know you either adapt or die...

 

Some disparage the Gay Ghetto model but I never thought of the ghetto as a reservation or plantation as I’ve heard people say, as much as it was an oasis or even a fortress against a society that wished we didn't exist. When the Salt Palace destroyed Japanese Town in 1969 it scattered the Japanese people among the general population of Salt Lake ...destroying its culture and its sense of identity... Something gained but something lost...

 

If you read the Q regularly I know you know who Bob Henline is. He and his family are moving to Montana; sad for us but new opportunities for him... Michael Aaron is devastated because Henline was his best supporter and reporter.  Some of us wonder if Michael has the will to keep the paper going… It is his business and financial support but I think Michael is burning out.  I know he is drinking a lot more and when he was asked to peak at the Restore of Humanity Rally he was already loaded and had a flask with him. Well isn’t that what makes a good newspaper man being half drunk? [lots of laughter]

 

The Mormon Church and the Republicans are calling for “civility” over the news of Gay marriage in Utah. Do Mormons think we will run amok drunk with power and will make fun of green jello? Or stick our tongues out and go nah nah nah?  I certainly hope that admonition was directed at Gayle Ruzicka, the Sutherland Institute, Mary Summerhays, and Mike Lee and not us... Mormon legislators are lining up to make religious exemptions to Gay rights in Utah and some doofus even wanted to call Gay marriage “pairage” to distinguish from straight marriages.

 

Yep I sure love the Mormon idea of what it means to be civil. Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, while talking to reporters said he shared concerns about Gay marriage’s ramifications.  "You can’t even begin to think of all the things the LGBT community can come up with to demand certain privileges and rights. So I think it‘s just the beginning of some very trying times for people who feel otherwise. And I think it’s the beginning of trying times for folks who are gay." He is such an ass.

 

Is gloating at not being a second class citizen being uncivil? Is demanding not requesting our civil rights too trying for him? It’s Funny how the oppressor wants the oppressed to be civil after they lose in court.

 

Mormon High Priests in the legislature are already lining up bills to punish Gay people in Utah for the audacity to demand rights that are given to all Americans... life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I bet there will be as much civility there in 2015 as there was in 1996 when Mormon Republicans held a close door session and gay bashed without restraint over the issue of gay clubs in Utah high schools...

 

More Gay Mormons have committed suicide from the bigoted  teachings of ignorant leaders than people massacred by their ancestors in Southern Utah... I hope people will be civil to us as Dallin Oaks “the old meanie” suggested at Conference but since he is also the proponent of the "lying for the Lord" concept, I don’t have much confidence in his words….

 

About 25 years ago I was involved with an organization called The Desert and Mountain States conference which sent delegates to a yearly conference to meet and plan with other gays in states with similar issues...the states like Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and Utah... We were a fierce little group and Utah was almost entirely funded by a drag group called the Love Birds...founded by Greg Hardin... Now all these years later Utah has led the way for Marriage Equality in all these DMSC states except AZ and NV ....

 

Grassroots are the best roots because they go deep and aren't like tumbleweeds which go whichever way the wind blows like nonprofits that depend on causes to pay salaries. My letter was too long so I’ve split it. The second part should be following this letter. Love Ben”

 

“Dear Kyle,    Hope you got the first part of this letter okay. On October 8th the 10th Circuit Court lifted all ban on benefits for Gay and Lesbian couples today. We can now adopt, get married, have inheritance rights. People with kids are rushing to get their partner’s name on adoption papers and a Gay couple has even been able to be foster parents to two little girls. I am really happy for these families but married Gay couples with children is adding a new paradigm to the sense of Gay community.

 

An old friend I knew since he was 18 years old Michael Aaron West  wrote me the other day on his perspective as a Gay Dad. “Can I give you a view from our new world as Gay dads...? I met my husband in 1995 at the Utah Stonewall Center and then we left Salt Lake City in 97 and have lived all over this country.

 

In 2008 we moved to Maryland to have a child biologically with a transman. Our son was born in 2009 and since then we have watched gay culture slowly disappear from our lives.....and we miss it dearly...

 

I experienced our community plenty working for years professionally with LGBT organizations and centers and also I was a very active part of the national bear scene as a performer (singer/songwriter). But since we had a child we would find all single or even coupled gay men turn their backs on us, we struggled to make friends and keep them. Gay men wanted nothing to do with family men with kids.

 

But then "The Modern Family movement" or "the light blue polo shirt movement" (as I call it) began and all gay men wanted to marry and have kids. And now even though there is a growing base of men with kids, there are emerging cliques within it.

 

Our family is very blue collar and middle class....and we have found it hard to make friends with new Dad's with money, huge houses and several adopted children of all races. It's the whole "A" class "D" class thing that we would see in the Bear community. Also we have now found it hard to have a biological child and be accepted in a groups of new dads who have adopted children of other races....and we find it so freaking strange...

 

I am sure there are folks out there for us...but for now the most welcoming people have been straight people and a few lesbian moms...but otherwise attempting to regain "gay" culture back in our lives has been very tough.

 

Of course we do have gay friends all over the country who we connect with via Face book, but it's not the same world we long for...that world was sitting and watching "The Women" with Ben and Michael back in our 20's and feeling at home...that world was showing a membership card at the door of the Sun for a drag show. That world was living in Ft. Lauderdale in the late 90's and living in an awesome all gay apt complex (gay ghetto).

 

That world was Pride days that didn't have corporate sponsorships from Delta and Verizon. That world was being out and proud and loud and not having to sport Gap clothing. That world was leather clubs and dance music. That world was having several close friends who were drag performers. That world was were the word "family" had a much different meaning....and lastly that world was late nights with people who were the family you chose...not the family you were born into.

 

I hope and pray that the LGBT community can carve out a "new" culture that survives these new modern families with light blue Polo shirts...because I for one miss the GLITTER!”

 

The elections are just a few weeks away. Midterms don’t bring the voters out like they should. Here we don’t have a US General Surgeon because of Republicans caving into the NRA’s objection to Obama’s nominee at the same time Republicans are blaming Obama for not doing enough to stop Ebola spreading. They cut aid to Africa cut the budget of the CDC and now are blaming Obama? Sadly morons will believe them.

 

I hear it all the time I don't vote because there's no difference between Democrats and Republicans. I wonder how many of the 1300 couples married last year will not vote in this midterm election? Even more disheartening how many will vote Republican? I hope I am not just being cynical.

 

I think I caught my cold last week when I spoke at the Restore Our Humanity Rally on Friday and attended the SAGE fall potluck where I received an Outstanding Contribution Award.

 

Mark Lawrence hosted a Restore Our Humanity Rally to celebrate and honor those in our community who did not live to see this day of Marriage Equality in Utah. Mark had asked me to come up with a list of a 100 of more people from our community who died before seeing our struggle come to fruition. I think sometimes people think I can just push a button and spew out any information they need at any time. Well it takes time and effort but I make it seem effortlessly.

 

It was sparsely attended however probably 100 people but Sim Gill talked from the heart about a Gay friend of his who died from AIDS and Michael Aaron gave a rousing speech on how one person’s decision to come out of the closet can affect an entire community.

 

Mark Lawrence called a few youth to come up on the steps in front of the court house and told them it’s time for us old timers to pass the baton off to them that we old people now just want to get drunk. [lots of laughter] probably true for a lot of us old codgers.

 

At the end of the speeches glow sticks were passed out instead of candles among those attending as Becky Moss, David Andreason, Connell O'Donovan, Michael Aaron, Valerie Larabee, Mark Lawrence, another fellow named Rob Tuttle read off names I had found of those from our community who did not live to see this day...

 

I started it off and remarked that as I was complying the list and reading through so many obituaries, I saw lots of “long time companions”, “life mates”, “special friend” “partners” “significant others” but never did I see “husband or wife”. I said Thanks to Mark’s efforts and vision we now can say “husband or wife” at the end of our lives.

 

It was a long day but the next day even longer. I cooked up a ten pound pork loin that I had cut into 40 slices and stuffed with dressing to bring to the pot luck. It was a lot of work but since it was the last pot luck of the year and I know so few people cook anymore I wanted it to be special. So the stuffed pork-loin cutlets with pork gravy and apple slices, I noticed, was the only homemade entrée…everything else was store bought or buckets of chicken.

 

I was supposed to make a dessert but that pork-loin needed to be used up it had been in the deep freezer for probably 6 months. I also brought tomatoes from the garden to use up before the frost gets them .

 

The day was also National Coming Out Day. I was 34 years old when I came out permanently in 1986 although I tried when I was 20 and in college attending Cal State Fullerton’s Gay Student Union in 1971. I was too young and the movement was too young. And I was too heart sick over John Cunningham joining the service so being Gay had no meaning to me if John and I were never meant to be together..

 

I think however if I would have come out back then, I’d never had moved to Utah and I’d probably have been another AIDS statistic ... There's a reason for everything.

 

At the Potluck I went with Chuck Whyte and Bill Poore and also sat with Amy Barry who is very busy trying to get Mary Bishop elected to some county office. I also saw an old friend Garth Chamberlain there so had him sit me at our table. He knew me when I was still married and he was 18 years old. He was a founder of the Utah Gay and Lesbian Youth Group which had the unfortunate acronym UGLY Group [lots of laughter].

 

It was a good turnout considering all that was going on with the Pride Center hosting a coming out day event and Wanda Sykes performing at Abravanel Hall.

 

Dayne Law the Trans Man who dished me so severely last August came up to our table and sat down and with tears in his eyes and said he needed to apologize to me that he was so out of line with what he said about me.

 

The poor thing seemed to be so stressed out that I had to reassure him that its forgotten and that there’s no need to be so upset over… and I gave him a reassuring hugs.  It reminded me of the time my lover Jeff Workman came over to tell me that he had found someone new and was breaking up with me and he was so upset he was crying so hard in my arms. Here I was consoling a lover who was breaking up with me because his heart was breaking.

 

 I guess I am a tough old bird. Learned to put my heart aside when someone else is in pain. But I had learned earlier that Dayne has MS, and other issues, and is in pain all the time and with all the testosterone he has to be on constantly how could he not be hormonal?

 

Later as the potluck went on,  I was surprised when Charles Frost came late and even more surprised when he said that someone from the SAGE Board was going to give me the award instead of him. I thought it was odd and kind of a letdown because Charles presenting the award would have been more prestigious than just some guy from the board.

 

And then when the guy said he wasn’t going to read my accomplishments that I had provided for Charles, since he asked for them, I was especially perturbed. He said they read like an “obituary”. So most in that crowd probably had no idea why I was even getting a plaque. When I took the microphone I just said that what I did and what I do was for the love of this community and then as I was going on, I saw a person standing named Doug Webb.  I met him in 1986 at Affirmation when I first came out and who I always called “Beautiful Blues Eyes” because he had the most intense dark blue eyes.

 

His partner Bobbie Martinez was a Dancer for Ballet West who died on AIDS way too young. When I made eye contact with Doug I then realized that everyone in that room was giving me a standing ovation and I was so flustered by the gesture I just quickly ended my speech and simply said thank you.

 

I think seeing Doug reminded me of my journey and of all the people I had loved and touched over these many many years. The people I’ve loved and the people I’ve lost, just for a split second, upon seeing Doug, seemed to have been in that room too.

 

It must have registered on my face because when I sat down Charles said I looked like I was having a very emotional experience. Even old Bill Poore my curmudgeon compatriot said to me “I have to say I worked up a tear when they all stood for you....I feel that was showing real appreciation for all you have done.  I never want you to ever say to me again no cares for all you have done.” [lots of laughter]

 

Well Marriage Equality in Utah! You maintain a state of battle readiness for so long that when you realize it's over there’s a sense of battle fatigue that finally sets in. When I wrote on face book that I was exhausted from all hullabaloo over marriage equality, my friend, Ruadhan O'Sheridan who was president of LSGU 20 years ago wrote me, “You know, it is a long-term adrenaline high when you are a part of history, particularly the history of our own small pond of the gay world. After THAT moment when the world recrystallizes in your consciousness, it is a powerful trip that you don't want to come down from. You have been a part of the stream that is the Utah LGBT community for a very long time (especially in gay years). I imagine this sudden transition was more powerful for you in a lot of ways. I am not surprised at all that you are exhausted.”

 

Well as Equality Utah, HRC, and Pride Center scrabbles to profit off of and take unearned credit for Marriage Equality I will end this letter. Fall is definitely in the air and time to put the garden to rest and get ready for a long winter slumber.

 

Not knowing what my future or your future entails…I will just close my saying as I’ve already said to you, “be good.”

 

Your tired friend for better or worse Ben Daisy, Buddy, Lucky, and Coco wish you a happy birthday.

 

 

 

16 October 2014 Thursday

Well it was the last of my squash today... I pulled up all the squash vines, filled two big trash cans and then hoed and raked the beds to put to sleep for the winter...I planted way too much squash so next year just  a couple of starts. I still have tomatoes left and as warm as it's been I should still get some more off of them before pulling those up too......probably will can some salsa with what I have...

 

I worked two hours getting much of the yard winterized and I mowed the front yard probably for the last time this year. I still need to weed whack but I am out of twine so I went down to Lowe’s and bought 3 spools. I also bought some holiday lights to string around the top of the hot tub.  So it was a pretty productive day.

 

I hurt a muscle in my right arm trying to move a huge rock that I should have left alone.

 

My last aunt died today in Lubbock. Mattie Lee Jarnigan Williams. They are all gone now. My cousin Frances Griess said they will bury her next on Tuesday which  would have been their 70th anniversary.

 

17 October 2014 Friday

I was sore all night with an ice pack on my arm from working so hard yesterday doing yard work... Two Advil’s helped... There are some things that just get harder to do at 63 then even 53... But I am still mobile and upright so grateful for that... And if Grandpa could farm unto his 70s I should be able to take care of a 1/4 an acre...

 

Today is Kyle Foote’s 35th birthday and I learned from VINE after I wrote him that he’s been moved from Manila back to Draper Prison. All this fucking around with him just cost me a visit to him on his birthday and about $300. I hope his account travels with him.

 

I had my doctor’s appointment with Dr. Stoneburner this morning. I noticed that the receptionists were asking everyone if they have recently traveled out of the country especially to Africa. The waiting area at the Redwood Clinic looks like a UN refugee camp as it is. Women is traditional Muslim clothes, Tongans, Pilipino, Hindus etc.

 

It took me two hours to get in and out of the doctor’s office and he said I lost 8 lbs. since my last visit and everything else seemed fine. My A1c only went down a smidgen from 8.4 to 8.3. He wasn’t real happy with that but I said well at least it didn’t go up!

 

So that took most of my morning that and writing my Q Column that I know is late. Also I made an apple pie for Doug Lott since Charles Frost was coming over to hot tub. He was a late getting here but I guess he had a busy day.

 

Before he came over I cleared the deck and porch of leaves and I put up colored lights I had bought at Lowe’s the other day around the top of the hot tub posts just beneath the metal roof and it looks really festive for sure.

 

Charles and I hot tubbed for about an hour. He said the Pride Center was broken into and had all their new laptop computers stolen. That is why they hired a security guard. I think there’s still a bit of an estrangement between Charles and I or least I sense it.

 

After hot tubbing, took Coco home and gave Mike some soup and chicken and stuffing I made. He said that Michelle, his sister, is in the ICU with a morphine drip. I don’t think she is going to last much longer.

 

When I returned I found two letters from Kyle in the mail box one dated the 10th and the other the 15th.  The bottom line was that he said he was about to be moved again.  So here we go again.

 

In the evening I picked Chuck Whyte up about 9 in the evening to go to Bob Henline’s farewell get together at Lucky 13.   I sat with Alan Anderson for most of the time. There was a pretty sizeable turn out for sure. Lots of community people and Bob's friends. Becky Moss and Amy Barry were the only gals I knew there but Michael Aaron, John Wilkes, David Andreassen, Lee Castillo, and Charles Frost were there and many others.

 

 I usually do not go out on a Friday night anymore but glad I did. Lots of chit chat and visiting. Best part of the evening the server gave me free diet coke drinks [lots of laughter] I asked Michael Aaron if I made the deadline for the Q by sending in my article this morning...ha...I knew it was days late.

 

I wrote this letter today “Dear Kyle,    I am writing you on your 35th birthday to let you know I am thinking of you and that  I got two letters from you today, one dated the 10th and another the 15th. So if I couldn’t be with you today at least I have some letters to hold in my hands.

 

I have not heard from VINE yet of any transfer as of today.  It seems odd that you are being shuffled around. Strange that my friend Bill Poore, who says he is psychic, told me yesterday he had a feeling you weren’t going to be in Daggett very long.

 

 I am glad that you have been catching up on your “R” rated movies. I bet you did watch the Gay scenes on Game of Thrones a few times [lots of laughter]. I’ve been watching Season six of True Blood but I think that show has jumped the shark. But I am glad you have something to do to pass the time. Funny the little things that matter.

 

 I don’t go to the movies anymore. I think the last time was last July when Bill and I went to see the Disney Maleficent Movie with Angelina Jolie.

 

Did you hear the Mormon Church made a movie called Meet The Mormons? True story. The biggest spread in history of Rotten Tomatoes. "Meet the Mormons" has an AUDIENCE score of 92 percent and a 0 on the CRITICS "Tomatometer". Hahaha…

 

On Face Book an email is going around showing that “a stake has assigned each ward to send 10-15 members to attend each of the six showings in the area. If you suppose there are 12 wards in a stake, the stake is asking that 120-180 members attend each showing. That equates to 720-1080 people all six showings. The letter even says that if you can’t afford tickets then the ward will pay. We wonder if this will come from tithing funds or fast offering donations. In our opinion, neither of these sacred funds should be used to pay for members to see a film (at $15 a ticket).”  How funny is that? Oh Well.

 

Arizona became a free state today on your birthday. Their AG gave up fighting Gay marriage there. Wyoming is still being held up while the state appeals. Otherwise the world is only worried about Ebola which as you well know is all Obama’s fault.      

 

Tore out my squash plants from the garden yesterday but kept some of the tomato plants because it’s been so warm here in the 70’s. I have a whole bunch of green tomatoes so if the weather stays nice I should be able to get more. I am going to can salsa I guess with what I get off the plants.

 

My last aunt died yesterday back in Texas. She was my aunt by marriage but was my mom’s girlfriend back in the 1940’s. My uncle and she married in 1944 when they were 17 and 16 and my mom and dad went with them when they eloped and married in New Mexico. My mom was only 15 and dad 19…I come from a wild family [laughing out loud]. But they are all gone now. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, and I am the last of the boy cousins.  Seems strange to see your family disappear like that.  Charles came over today to soak in the hot tub. I just strung holiday lights up around the back until the metal roof and it looks pretty cool and festive. He’s job hunting again. He said that the Pride Center was broken into and all the new computers that they just got to set up a cyber space for the youth were stolen. I guess they hired a security guard now. They just need to admit that location was a bad idea and move but I really don’t care anymore.  Got other things to worry about. I sent him home with an apple pie I made for Doug.  It’s his favorite kind of pie.    

 

Took Chuck to lunch last Wednesday at Chuck A Rama so he could fill his tank. He’s doing okay just dirt poor.  About 3 months ago I helped him replace his cell phone that some trick he had come over had ripped off from his place and then just last week while at Smiths on 4th South this lady in a car with a handicap sticker asked if she could borrow his phone to make a call and when he handed it to her, she put the car in gear and sped away. So now he has a new phone but it took all the cash reserves he had.      Sorry about your pizza… was it onions and hamburger pizza? But I am glad you are developing a tolerance for a very healthy veggie [lots of laughter].  I hope you will be able to take things you bought with the money I sent you this time. Does the money in your account just get transferred to where ever they put you this time? Do you think you are going back to Gunnison? I certainly hope they don’t send you to one of those jail that you were worried about. But stay upbeat and I will look for the package of your writings and will keep it safe for you until you get out.

 

 I am glad you are keeping a journal even though at times it can be painful to reread. I look back at some of the things I wrote over the years and realize that I am not that same person.  Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time to myself when I was hurting and just say, hang on it will be okay.

 

I miss you but have to believe we are all where we need to be for right now.  I am enclosing your story about the birds as a separate page so you can give it to whoever you want.  Happy Birthday my friend Ben PS. As soon as you are settled again I will reorder your magazines again. Oh well your life is not your own for now.

 

This is the letter I received from Kyle dated October 15, at Manila Utah- “Dear Ben, I am sending you a stack of papers that I’ve accumulated the past three years. They include my first journal, all the letters I received so far, notes and thoughts from my chats with Ron Lafferty when I was on death row, various certificates and other random items I would like to preserve but am tired of carrying around with me. I went through all my papers just before they moved me to county and threw away about 12 inches worth of odds and ends but still left me with a large stack of stuff to keep.

 

I figure you can put the stuff I’m sending you with the letters you are saving.  I hadn’t gone back to read my journal from my first six months in prison for a few years. It was interesting to be reminded of that time and of a few things I forgot.  It was a time that I was still very angry at myself and was misdirecting that anger at you. I’m so glad I was able to pull my head out of my ass and recognize that you are a rare find and a true friend. I’m sorry I ever even considered pushing you out of my life. Your friend and family for always. Love Kyle.”

 

This is the column I wrote for the November Q column –“I came to Utah alone on a Greyhound bus in January 1973. I had wrenched myself from a life in Southern California, with a one way bus ticket to Provo, grasping only a suitcase and my childhood pillow; and an admission slip to Brigham Young University.  I had joined the Mormon Church in California while seeking meaning to my life.  

 

Although I was sexually active as a college student and had even tried coming out as a Gay man in 1971, it just didn't seem to be working for me. I know joining the Mormon Church really seems a little extreme, but back then, most of the Gay kids I knew in college were Mormons.

 

The Utah church back then was not the bastion of ultra radical conservativism and anti-homosexuality that it became after Spencer Kimball became president of the church. So at the age of 21, I found myself at BYU, living with twenty or more 18 year old guys in the Helaman Hall campus dormitory. I was in Gay Heaven.

 

 Although I was now a Mormon and wanted to be good, I immediately fell in love with this funny cute 18 year old wrestler from North Dakota. Although I knew what my feelings were, I am sure he did not know his. I think he just knew he liked to wrestle me, up and down the hall on our dormitory floor. He liked to pin me holding my arms down, which I often let him do, and he would instinctively grind himself into me until I would buck him off, fearful of going too far.

 

Sometimes others pre Missionaries would pile on and we were a mass of young bodies. However all things come to an end and at the end of that winter term, ninety percent of my floor went off to serve on LDS missions. I felt like a widow as they left one by one.

 

By the end of December 1973, Harold B. Lee, the president of the church died and Spencer W. Kimball assumed the position of prophet, seer, and revelator. At that point everything changed for homosexuals in the church.  Kimball had written a book that had been published four years earlier called the “Miracle of Forgiveness”. Once he assumed the presidency, his words took on added weight and his book became a best seller which foreshadowed things to come.

 

At the Fall General Conference 1974 Kimball announced that “Every form of homosexuality is sin.” The gears of the Mormon bureaucracy were now reworked to ferret out homosexuality among members. At first, it was hard to see the change that Kimball’ presidency would bring but increasingly church talks openly began to condemned homosexuality in Mormon meeting houses. Homosexuality began to be framed as a disease, a contagion that had to be not only curtailed but rooted out. Exterminated. 

 

Under BYU’s President, Dallin Oaks, campus security was instructed to find homosexuals on campus and bring them before standards to be treated or expelled. At BYU, as in most of middle America, homosexuality was mostly an underground phenomenon, pushed into the shadows, into the recesses of dark places, into the furtive, quick, anonymous coupling in parks and men’s rooms, killing all hope of meaningful relationships and self-esteem.

 

In certain areas on the BYU campus, in certain discreet men restrooms, homosexual graffiti was scribbled on walls of the stalls. The first time I encountered such graffiti, I was shocked that it occurred at the Lord’s University; but also titillated. Some of the passages were truly indicative of the torment and loneliness that homosexual males endured at the Y. Some wrote they were desperate, some said they were lonely, while others were pleas for human contact.

 

I managed to be relatively behaved at the Y but as I was maturing, my young body rebelled against the artificial unnatural state of forced celibacy. I was 24 years old when I met Larry. He was a tall, blond, strikingly handsome 27 year old BYU student.  I met him at the one of the few places in Utah County you could meet other homosexuals off campus, away from prying security. The Pleasant Grove Rest stops, on I-15, were notorious in Utah County as a homosexual rendezvous.

 

 I expected no more from Larry than a quick exchange of mutual desperate coupling, but instead we drove out into a farmer field late at night and we just kissed and kissed and kissed. I had not kissed a man in nearly five years and my soul was ravenous for affection. Even though I knew I was putting everything I had at BYU in jeopardy, when Larry asked to see me again, with a sad remorseful reluctance, I agreed.

 

I was very much emotionally conflicted between my loyalty to the LDS church for which I had given up everything, my California family and friends, and the hunger for the affection I received from being with Larry.

 

In spring 1976, Larry and I met surreptitiously on campus. We held hands beneath desks. I would sit on the floor outside of Larry’s classes, just to be there when he walked out of class to see the smile on his face. Once, while in the Heber J Grant building, sitting on the floor so very close, I looked up to see other students walking by and frowning at us. I suddenly realized that while we were not touching, we were beaming because we were in love.

 

At this time, unknown to us, Salt Lake Church authorities had directed Dallin Oaks to commence a crackdown on homosexuality at BYU in conjunction with a joint operation with police and sheriff departments in Utah County. For some time BYU security had set up a system of phone and body wire taps on suspected Gay students.

 

 I did not know it at the time, but the psych department was also going full blast torturing Gay men with electric shock “therapy. Gay men were terrorized that if they did not submit to BYU Standards’ demands, their families would be informed of their homosexual activities and they would be excommunicated.

 

One snowy evening in early April, Larry came to my shared Provo apartment.  I immediately knew something was wrong. He was despondent and had been crying. He said to me, “Ben, I’m not going to make it” and then poured out that he had been pulled in by BYU standards.

 

They demanded that he “out” all the Gays he knew on campus as a condition for non-retribution. He was coerced to reveal names but he asserted that he never gave them mine.  Then I learned he felt so remorseful over complying with BYU Standards that he swallowed a bottle of aspirin. He had simply come over to see me, he said, for one more time and to say goodbye.

 

I did not respond at first. I was paralyzed by the nightmare scenario I had just heard, but almost immediately, putting that aside, I knew I had to try and save Larry’s life. I won’t go into the harrowing details of the drive up Provo Canyon or the reaction of the staff at emergency room at Utah Valley Hospital. Or staying with Larry as BYU Security came to question him while he was hooked to saline and other tubes and the school officials and his church leaders puzzled over why I was there.

 

I had managed to hold it together for Larry but at a terrible toll on my psyche and my heart. I truly felt like we were the Jews of BYU. I felt we were out to be exterminated, to keep the university pure.

 

Some nearly 40 years after Spencer Kimball called me, my lovers, and my friends evil, I sometimes feel like some people in Utah are still trying to exterminate us; not just us, but our families, our marriages, and our authenticity as a people. Perhaps it’s just from the trauma, that I was subjected to as a young man while living in Utah County, talking that makes me skeptical of Utah’s intentions towards Gay people. Or Maybe not.

 

19 October 2014 Sunday

I didn't do a thing today but type and research...My ex,  Michael Romero ’s sister Michelle passed away yesterday ...she was 54... Knew her for 20 years like a sister in law ...She died of alcoholism. Her  liver gave out on her finally...

 

I hope going back to work tomorrow isn't a real pain...I am going in early probably 7:30 in the morning...

 

Bill Poore had not been feeling well and worried about his cat Stanley. He also is concerned how his department chair will take his decision of retiring. He wrote: My back is still tender. Stanley is hanging in there.  I will probably make a move in the next couple of days on having him put down. I just hate to face it. I have sort of stressing about how to tell Gage I won’t do Spring.  I don't know why I am nervous about it.  He gave this new guy four classes and changed the schedule placement to favor him  I know I am a good teacher and the kids like me, it is just he is starting to find new blood to replace us old farts when we leave.  I will probably send him an email this week. How are you feeling, are you stressing over the boy in jail? I know once I have sent that email I am totally committed no turning back and I will be relieved.  I really am looking forward to not having to teach.  I will be giving up 10 thousand for the Spring but I don't care.

 

I wrote back: “I'm not stressing over the jailbird at all...what is ...is ...nothing much I can do... It's hard to say no and face a new change in your life... It will all be good... Just different.”

 

Then we talked about what Michael Ferguson had been doing challenging the LDS church. Bill Poore said “I swear Michael Adam Ferguson is going to end up starting his own cult....with naked picture of the 12 Apostles . pictures of him giving Joseph Smith blow jobs....It is going to be so weird...watch he is getting weirder and weirder more and more fucked up as he goes along.  Some of his post about Mormons is in outer space, it is not even in the real world. They talk in tongues. I am again not following him, he is a perfect example of me saying ex Mormon RM Queers are the most fucked up gays out there.  They don't have a clue what the real gay world is like, in all the big cities.  They would be laughed at believe me.

 

I just did a Google map on your address and the real picture.  I was almost sitting on your front porch. It was capture in July. The sidewalks were wet from either a rain or watering.  It was freaking amazing.  I did my street and my car was park on the street.

 

We live with big brother watching us all the time. They really do know what we are doing all the time, especially if we have a cell phone. They know where we shop, and really where we are at any given moment.  I found you one day from your cell phone.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote before going to bed. “Dear Kyle, Just a quick note to let you know  that I know you were transferred from Daggett, but unfortunately not until after I sent a letter off to you on your birthday.  Hopefully everything will transfer to you and not get lost.

 

I received your three packages yesterday on the 18th and I will put them down beneath the stairs with things I still have of yours. I also got two letters from you on your birthday but I think one is missing, the one you wrote about Gay marriage. Maybe it will show up eventually.

 

I am glad you were able to halt your orders so that money wasn’t wasted like the money I sent you at Gunnison for clothing last August. Hopefully you will get my letter to you I wrote on your birthday. If not this is just another one hoping it gets to you.

 

Only news around here is that Michael Romero’s sister Michelle died on Saturday from her liver shutting down. She had a really bad drinking problem and never could quit it. She was only 54. I don’t think Michael will go up. I called his father and said how sorry I was and that the Romeros were like a family to me. Well I won’t write more until I get a good address for you. Hopefully you won’t be in the West Wing in Draper very long and that you will go back into a prison instead of a county jail. But we will just have to wait and see. They can’t make a prisoner of your mind. Keep writing even if it’s just to past the time and keep you mind occupied. Love Ben as always.

 

I copied this dessert recipe. Whether I ever make it or not it sounds good. “Pumpkin pie and cheesecake lovers will both choose this dessert at your holiday table. Ingredients Serves: 12 Graham Cracker Crust: 2 cups graham cracker crumbs 3 tablespoons butter, melted 2 tablespoons granulated sugar Cheesecake Filling: 2 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, softened 3/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar 3 eggs 1 can (15 ounces) pumpkin 1 tablespoon flour 2 teaspoons McCormick® Pure Vanilla Extract 1 1/2 teaspoons McCormick® Pumpkin Pie Spice Directions Preheat oven to 350°F. For the Crust, mix all ingredients in medium bowl. Press evenly into bottom of 9-inch spring form pan. Set aside. For the Filling, beat cream cheese and brown sugar in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating on low speed after each addition just until blended. Add pumpkin, flour, vanilla and pumpkin pie spice; beat until smooth. Pour into crust. Bake 50 minutes or until top is lightly browned and center is almost set. Turn off oven; let cheesecake stand in oven 1 hour. Remove from oven. Run small knife or metal spatula around rim of pan to loosen cheesecake. Cool in pan on wire rack. Refrigerate 4 hours or overnight. Store leftover cheesecake in refrigerator.

 

20 October 2014 Monday

Monday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be after a long four day weekend and actually 5 because I played hooky on Wednesday... It was a very warm day for late October ... 77 degrees is very unusually and we still haven't had a freeze so technically it's not even Indian summer... Making haunted houses with the kids in the afternoon...don't worry we are doing our math and I taught them the Sieve of Eratosthenes to find Prime Numbers today.

 

I wrote Bill Poore that Kyle is back at Gunnison. Bill replied, “-what the fuck? They don't have him in Draper anymore?  I mean did you get a message from those people that keep you informed of his where a bouts.”

 

“Yes he was transferred down today. So they put him through hell, made me miss his birthday, and he's back where he started.”

 

“Well at least you don't have to drive to Dagget County.  I think he will survive you missing his Birthday.  Don't forget Rocky Horror is Friday. It starts at 8.  Maybe we should meet at Smiths and drive up together.  I think there should be parking.  I know it is sold out. It is going to be a who’s who in politics and queers. I just don't know why he is back in Gunnison, this makes no sense. Well I was correct about him not staying in Draper.”

 

21 October 2014 Tuesday

The first month of fall is over and it was much cooler than yesterday. Almost a 20 degree difference. Things are moving along at school so far. No real drama this year.

 

When I came home saw that I had a letter from Kyle. He mailed it to me on Sunday so it came fast. He told me about how he got reclassified for his mental issues and cannot be sent to county jails anymore. He thought he would be weeks in Draper so I bet he was surprised when they moved him on Monday to Gunnison.  I am going to try and go down and see him on Saturday I think.

 

Bill said that in his acting class he put his students on camera and wrote me “So this Marine, when I had him like do his name, agents etc., he just takes off his shirt, (Zac Effron body) and says he here to audition for the porn star role.....I thought I was going to die....he knew what he was doing., so fucking hot.”

 

I said after hearing that “And you say you want to quit [laughing out loud]”

 

Bill replied, “I am going to quit......today was the first day back after Fall Break for two of my classes.  Several didn't show up and the rest were like zombies. The next six weeks we have to do a lot of work, and a lot from me.  I just don't have it in me for another semester. I am dreading telling the chair but I am done.....That kid is going to be an officer in the Marines.  He knows he is hot, the type that ended up in gay porn in San Diego.  There was a big Marine base there. A lot Marines did porn for extra money.  My friend Mike was a director for the Ford Productions and he always could get Marines to do the Jack Off first timers with their buddies.  He actually started the entire first timer straight jerking off videos way back.”

 

“All you need is money to pay the guys,” I suggested.

 

“You should see the boys in that class, there another kid built like a brick shit house. So beautiful.....really hot boys, one is Russian Nico, a little monster but so fucking sexy.  I know I will need to find another job that has hot men around.”

 

“Towel boy in a bath house?,” again I suggested.

 

Bill asked, “ what bath house....maybe I should open a bath house. By the way I just found the book you sent that you wrote....I put  it “save on Face Book” and forgot about it because that is how my mind works.  I found it again and started to read it.  It is so fascinating.  I just don't know how this church survived.  Lie for Lord is such a rationalization and most of the brotherhood are comfortable with that concept. They have no problem lying to nonmember especially when they are doing business with them.  Mitt Romney has no problem looking directly into the camera and lie.  It is part of who they are.  I will continue to read it am enjoying very much.  Have you sent it to Michael , Charles?  What are you going to do with it?”

 

“That was a first draft. I have revised corrected, edited and added more since then ...”

 

22 October 2014 Wednesday

Today is my niece Denise Wach’s 43rd birthday.

 

23 October 2014 Thursday

I am voting for Sim Gill not only because we need decent compassionate competent people in political office but also I dreamed last night I was being charged for an unsolicited call about Mormonism (and I was actually defending Mormons) and Gill came to my rescue and told the person on the other line I didn't have to pay for the call! I consider that a "sign" that the universe wants me to vote for Gill my hero! — feeling blessed.

 

Well the kids had fun making their haunted houses that I designed for them to build...it's the last time I will use these little patterns so into the trash they go... None of the other teachers have time nor value these little projects.

 

My schnauzer Daisy is a happy girl cause she just had a good butt washing.

 

24 October 2014 Friday

After work I went to Chillis on 4th South with Bill Poore before going up to the Pioneer Theater. Rocky Horror Show is sold out so we wanted to get up there in time to get a handicapped parking space.  It is going to be wild. They want people to dress and are selling prop bags with popcorn, newspapers etc.  I think the entire gay community is going to be there plus a lot local celebs like Bill Poore’s acting friend Anne Decker. 

 

            It was a Terrific evening at the Pioneer memorial theater watching a concert production of Rocky Horror Show...It was a full house...Every democrat must have bought a ticket because Jim Dabakis played the role of the narrator...I sat so close to Jim I could see him sweat. [laughing out loud]...he was a hit! Oh yes the actors they flew in from Broadway were good too! Lol ... Don't dream it be it. Bill said that a lot of the leads in Rocky were locals and the kid playing Frank n Furter has an impressive bio...including being a finalist on The Voice. He struggled a little with the character but was an amazing singer.”

 

            Bill wrote today that his little cat Stanley is very close to death. He wrote “he has not moved, eating or drank anything.  He is on the bed, I have given him a lot of kisses and pets.  He moves his tail when I touch him but he could die any minute.  I am just fine.  I want it over for him.  I am exhausted by him taking so long. It has been emotionally draining for me.  I hope he dies tonight, I have already started getting rid of everything.

 

I wrote back: “I am sorry for the little critter...he just doesn't want to leave you...but tell him over and over that it's okay to go...maybe he is waiting for you to leave to pass....real sorry you've gone through this.”

 

“I am so ok with it Ben, I have told him to go, I pet him and scratch his head.  I think you might be correct about him not wanting to leave me.....he has slept right next to me every without moving.  Blanche waited until I got home one night and died like within the hour.”

 

After the show Bill wrote: “When I got home Stanley is still breathing.  I think was waiting for me.  He can’t hold on much longer. Thanks for the dinner.  It was fun going with you. I sent James a note on his wall.”

 

“Maybe he will drift away tonight when you are both sleeping.”

 

25 October 2014 Saturday

I fixed a big breakfast of pancakes and bacon before hitting the road shortly before 10  this morning to head down to Gunnison. Stopped and got gas for the truck and with 30 cents a gal off I was able to fill up at $2.89 a gal. Haven’t done that in 6 months or more.

 

            The weather was a gorgeous fall day a little breezy but still 75 degrees.  I was down in Gunnison by noon but I didn’t get to see Kyle Foote until nearly 1 in the evening. First they said they hadn’t finished the inmate count so it was 12:30 before I could even go back into the waiting area and while I was about the 2nd person back in the visiting area I kept seeing all these other inmates come ahead of Kyle. I was getting worried and about after 20 minutes I asked if there was a problem.

 

One of the guard said that there was a mix up in the yard and they went to go tell Kyle that he had a visitor. However, when Kyle finally was notified and came it was about 1 in the evening! The guard said he’d give us more time but he only actually gave us 10 minutes out of the half an hour they wasted. Kyle said he was in his cell reading and his housing guard just forgot to tell him! After all the system put him through I guess it  wasn’t enough.

 

It was so good to see the boy and we spent the entire time talking about his strange journey. We finally agreed that he had just been on vacation having spent time away from Gunnison, traveling and seeing other sights, and getting to watch a bunch of R rated movies in Manila. But they sure put him through so much unnecessary anxiety.

 

 He said that he thinks the reason he was finally sent back to Gunnison was that while at Beaver he told the jail there he had a peanut butter allergy and if you have any type of food allergy you are not supposed to be housed in a county jail where they aren’t equipped to deal with it.  It finally showed up on his records so they sent him back to a state prison.

 

Well it was good to see the boy and we talked about his restitution and what careers he could go into when he is released and then the time was up all too soon. I left Gunnison about 3 0’clock and was home by 5 p.m. and was really tired.

 

Did do some grocery shopping but stayed home the rest of the evening just relaxing. The wind was whipping through the trees tonight. On a dark and spooky night it's not a good idea to watch ghost stories with the wind whipping through the trees and the crackling of falling leaves being serenaded by my lonesome wind chimes....

 

Daisy, Buddy, and Lucky are huddled with me in bed on the watch out for things that go bump in the night...

 

26 October 2014 Sunday

This about noon Michael Romero and I went to the West Valley Mall to change my phone plan and take me off his plan so I have my own plan and bill. I also signed up for Comcast because I guess my Clear Network is going away.

 

 I  invited Bill Poore over for corn chowder and an apple crisp I made today.....He wrote “it was the comfort food I needed as of 8:36 Stanley is still breathing.” Stanley is his cat that he’s had for 20 years that has been dying for two weeks now.

 

On Sunday, November 2 Daylight Savings ends and back to Standard Time or real time.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote, “Dear Kyle, It was good to see you yesterday so that I could see for myself that you are okay. You seemed more relaxed more at ease. Gunnison is the best of all possible worlds for you considering your circumstances I suppose.  Knowing you won’t be yanked out and sent to county must be some kind of relief for you and hopefully will help with your anxiety.

 

I’m still upset that they cheated me out of 15 minutes with you.  They only gave us an extra 10 minutes even though they kept me waiting 25 minutes to bring you out because they forgot to tell you that you had a visitor. Oh well. Just grateful I get to see you at all.  Thank goodness for your food allergies.

 

I hope they will move you soon to another section that will make it easier for you to get back into STRIVE. As for all the things they made you get rid of for your unwarranted move to Manila well I guess you have to look at it as a fall house cleaning I suppose.  I hope you can get the necessities back that made your life a little more pleasant for you. If not going back to work should really help and if you need something immediately let me know.

 

The trip home went pretty fast; it seemed to be not much vacation traffic. I usually get into see you there by at least 12:30 so I am home by 4:30 but I didn’t leave the prison until 3 so it was after 5 before I was home.

 

When I left the visiting room there was a little girl just sobbing, having to leave her daddy. It was heart wrenching. This one woman commented that it’s so hard on the children and I said, “it’s hard on everyone” but especially the little children.

 

Remember the mantra “This too shall pass” when you get weary or lonesome or feeling blue. Look how traumatic being yanked out and sent to Manila was but it too is now just a memory.

 

Hope you finally get to finish the North and South series.  I really hope you find some work there just to make your days pass faster and give you something to do each day.

 

Next Sunday is back to Standard Time and it will be dark early but it will at least be lighter in the mornings for a while.

 

I think I told you most of the news I had to share.  Starting to feel it’s time to be nesting like an old bear.  I doubt whether I will do a thing for Halloween this year.  I didn’t even decorate the house. It’s just me and the dogs who don’t appreciate it.  But then I get enough of it at school.

 

Had the kids create jack-o-lantern art and made some cool 3 D construction haunted houses and then Thursday we will have Halloween parties at school.  That will be enough. Friday is Halloween but the kids are out for Teachers Planning Day because the 1st Term is over.  My last first term.

 

I throw out lessons as soon as I do them. I want not to have to clean my room out my last day. I have some real conflicting emotions about retiring. I know that it’s truly time but all my life I have worked and much of my identity has been tied up with working.  The only times I was in hard straights was when I was out of work. I mean extreme hard times, no money, little food and what I could scrape up I paid rent never wanting to ever be homeless.

 

Because I never had anyone I could rely on for help nor ever received help it makes me nervous if I will be able to keep my lifestyle even if I reduce it considerably.  Oh well one can make one ill worrying about the future when the future manages to take care of its self.           

 

It will be interesting to see what the November elections bring and whether there will any type of backlash against Marriage Equality and Obama Care.  If young people vote I think we will be okay but if they stay home and let the Tea Party Koch Brothers buy this election it will be tragic.

 

 It’s hard to believe that it’s been 14 years since George W. Bush stole the American Presidency and look what he did in his 8 years.  Invaded a country based on lies, fought two wars on a Chinese Credit Card, gave a tax break to the rich and then nearly collapsed the country while Billionaires got richer and richer.  Well there are a lot of stupid people in this country hence the popularity of Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty.

 

  Speaking of Honey Boo Boo her show was cancelled because her mother began dating her daughters molester…[lots of laughter] Freaking inbreeds. I fear we will lose the U.S. Senate and the last two years of Obama’s Presidency will just be stalled and the country will fall more into chaos as climate change deniers, fracking supporters, and Citizen United buys election after election.

 

 I fear that the American Republic has become an Empire supported by constant foreign wars to prop up the Billionaire Patricians.  Well people who voted Republican just handed America over to Koch Brothers didn’t they, one vote at a time.  Oh well.

 

I am really tired today. Surprising what gets harder to do as one ages. I use to drive straight through to Garden Grove from Salt Lake City 15 to 16 hours and never fazed me but just that little jaunt to Gunnison tuckers me out [lots of laughter].

 

I got a cramp in my thigh last night I think from sitting in one position yesterday in the truck but I couldn’t do that trip without cruise control. I think it was more stress than the trip though.

 

Every time I go down I worry that something will keep me from seeing you…and I was stressing big time just waiting and worrying about you in the visiting room but seeing you and your smile made it all worthwhile.

 

That clown Jason Chaffetz is in the news for not knowing we didn’t have an Surgeon General and complaining that his office wasn’t doing enough to prevent Ebola from coming into the country on Fox News. The person that Obama has nominated has been on hold for nearly a year and a half because of the Republicans listening to the NRA’s objections to him.

 

 I wish more people had faith in the Constitution than then their guns.  But most Americans have no clue about the Constitution and how our government works but they know how to pull a trigger. 

 

Ron Klain was appointed “Ebola Czar” by President Obama in response to conservative assholes attacks. I wrote on Face book that Ron should tell his critics that Ebola is a Gay disease and then Darrell Issa and Jason Chaffetz and all the rest of the religio-fascist conservatives wouldn’t give a shit.  

 

Over 20,000 people died of AIDS before St. Ronald Reagan even mentioned the word AIDS and 1 person died from Ebola and the far right goes ape shit…

 

Fox News owned by a Billionaire Arab and Australian loves to stir up stupid Americans.  Fear mongering is a science now. Well the rest of the news you probably get yourself. So I won’t harp on that any more.

 

Except did you hear that the LDS posted on their site admitting that among Joseph Smith’s wives were teenagers…[laughing out loud] Well I am researching Joseph Smith Sr. and William Cowdery’s involvement with the New Israelite Movement in Vermont about 5 years before Joseph Jr was born. That sect believed that they were descendants of 10 lost tribes and used diving rods to find hidden treasurer what was once called dousing. Both men taught their sons Joseph Jr and Oliver to use the “Rod of Aaron” to find treasure.

 

Smith Senior  taught his son that God gave his family magical powers of discernment and visions. Joseph Smith Sr.’s father  was a Universalist Minister in Vermont and taught his children about universal Salvation and many of the underlining beliefs of Mormonism that made it attractive to New Englanders.

 

It’s Interesting to find that it didn’t all happen miraculously, but step by step. Joseph Smith Jr. evolved from a youth who believed in folk magic and peep stones to an evangelical who combined all the different theological gems from that period into a new religion of which he claimed that he was the oracle of God. It was a good gig as long as it lasted.

 

However Brigham Young took the mechanics without the religious genius and built himself a nice empire where he was king for 30 years. Now we have a corporation rather than a king running the dream of the stone peeper. Gone is the economic communism and sexual utopia that Joseph Smith dreamed of for capitalism and sexual repression.  And so it goes.   

 

It will be interesting if marriage equality brings polygamy back into the folds of the church which in reality it  never left. Section 132 is still there for everyone to take a gander at. If Mormon’s no longer follow Joseph Smith’s decree to live The New and Ever Lasting Covenant of Plural Marriage then why have Dallin Oaks, Tom Perry and Russell Nelson been sealed to second wives in Temple for all time and eternity?

 

I saw Oaks at Abravanel Hall a few years ago with his second wife and he was so rude and pushy to her. He was not kind nor attentive to her at all. I felt embarrassed for the woman the way he treated her making her trail after him.  Oh well I have my own issues I suppose.

Love forever Ben

 

27 October 2014 Monday

It’s only a four day work week with the term ending on Thursday so we did a some ghost art today and fun things.

 

After work I took Chuck Whyte out for a birthday dinner at Panda Buffet .  He was born in 1957 so I guess that makes him 57 now. He’s getting worse mentally so hope he can hang on for another birthday. The Chinese buffet wasn’t nearly as good as it used to be. It’s gone downhill. Most buffets do when the Islanders take over a place with their humongous appetites and quantity becomes more important than quality. ..

 

It feels very much like fall again 48 degrees...the moon was pretty with its sliver.

 

28 October 2014 Tuesday

I made Chili Verde after school. It sounded good. Now to let it sit overnight for all the flavors to set up ...it's nice to have a clean kitchen.

 

Only 41 percent of young people between 18-24 bothered to vote in 2012... That is shameful...my generation fought hard to lower the voting age from 21 to 18... Bring back the draft and see how quickly the youth gets motivated to vote....

 

Michael Aaron asked, “So if you were to guess what Bruce Bastian donates to Utah Pride Fest to be listed as a top sponsor, what would it be?” I answered “$25,000?”

 

Michael Aaron replied “That's half of what I would think, but 3 times what he donates. Costs me more than that to do our contribution. $8k is it.”

 

“I was going to say $50,000 but then I thought no he probably gives to HRC. Kind of tells you he is done with the center.”

 

Michael Aaron then said that the Center wanted him to remove that note about Bastian’s contributions in today's story on the Pride festival. Netto had let that information out in the meeting knowing full well Michael was there. He’s ignoring rather than denying their request.  Michael Aaron said the room's atmosphere changed dramatically when he walked in 15 minutes late and the board restructured the whole meeting.

 

I asked “To keep us more in the dark? Charles Frost  said Steven Ha wants to get rid of John Netto in January when his term is up.” But Michael said that Beano has the Center by the nads and won't let that happen.. I responded back, “I don't think anyone down there had any balls. Give the piece of crap building back to Beano... Down size to a house or office since no Gay activities take place there.”

 

Michael Aaron said: “It’s all changing to counseling for addicts, DUIs, refugees. With no relation to sexual orientation.”

 

“of course not... and they suck off the Gay community's tit for funding through a Pride Day that doesn't celebrate being Gay any more just "diversity," I added.

 

29 October 2014 Wednesday

Times they are a changing ... I had my students write an opinion on whether they like Halloween or not and right in the middle of this one students essay, the student wrote "my mom is going to marry Marlisa and I am going to have step brothers and sisters. Marlisa is going to be my new step mom... " Without blinking an eye [laughing out loud].

 

I noticed while searching the internet that mom and dad’s old house on Dale Street is up for sale. I then looked up mine to compare. I was really surprised to see that my parents’ home in Garden Grove sat on a 7,840 sq feet lot and my home in Salt Lake is 7,841 sq ft!!! Just realized that. Kind of a coincidence...

 

I always thought our old place was huge but I am 1 sq ft bigger [laughing out loud]. My folks bought a house at 11562 Dale Street in Garden Grove CA in November 1954 nearly 60 years ago ... I was 3 years old when we moved in and 21 when I moved away...

 

My parents bought it for $8500 and I see that it’s on the market again… for $459,000... I think mom and dad got $89,000 for it when they sold in 1988. The last time I slept in that old house was in December of 1986 when I came home for Christmas.

 

 In the backyard dad built this cinder block wall that from pictures I can see is still there and we also had fruit trees, a Chinese elm, oleander bushes and grass which from the looks of pictures have been all pulled out.

 

There’s a small patio in the backyard which dad never got around to putting in himself.... My house has 1, 478 sq feet including basement and two car garage, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms... My folks house had 1,156 sq feet and 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms... My bedroom in Garden Grove was barely 8 feet by 6 feet [laughing out loud] barely fit a twin bed and a chest of drawers.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote: “Dear Kyle, I finally got the letter you wrote me on October 6th. It came today 22 days after you wrote it. It had all the news about your thoughts on marriage equality, and going to the gym to work out and then the news about you being transferred back to Gunnison. On the back of the envelope it was written wrong address but on the front I couldn’t see that anything was amiss.

 

 I hope things are getting back to normal or at least routine again for you there at Gunnison. Are you still exercising like you done in Manila? Do you have access to text books again?

 

When I was back in Salt Lake, Mike Romero and I went to Verizon and opened an account under my own name. When they send me my first bill I will send you a copy. It will be nice to speak to you when the weather gets bad again.  So far it’s been nice here but cooling down considerably.

 

The rest of my garden finally gave up and wilted from the night time cold. This week is the end of the first term and kids are off for Halloween. Yay.  They can be a hand full on that day. I don’t plan on doing anything for Halloween except turning off the lights and watching The Shining.  You were just a baby when I saw it at the Highland Theater many years ago.

 

I had my kids make a hippy Frankenstein that they colored and put together with brad fasteners today and yesterday we colored in ghosts with white crayon then painted over them with water colors and of course we already made haunted houses and jack-o-lanterns so I am Halloween out.

 

Down comes the Halloween art and up goes the Turkey art [lots of laughter].  Parent teachers conference is the week of November 10th  and Thanksgiving Break is the 26th through the 28th but I am going to take the whole week off.  So one of those weekends I will come see you. I can’t imagine two storms in a row but you never know.

 

Charles Frost called me a little while ago, which surprised me. We haven’t been as close for some time. He went to Tulsa Oklahoma for a SAGE Conference. That’s for old Gay dudes like me [lots of laughter]. But I’m really not that interested in getting involved with a “Seniors” group. Not ready for the rest home quite yet…not while I can still enjoy going to Rocky Horror [lots of laughter].  I guess he’s okay just still hasn’t found work yet.

 

Well the elections will be over by the time any other letter I write reaches you.  Hate to see us lose the Senate but if we do we do.  I read this letter to the editor in the Salt Lake City Weekly. You probably have already seen it but it was interesting since you have written me much of the same.

 

“Myths From the Inside At age 42, for the first time in my life, I am in prison, and I’ve discovered 10 common prison myths:

 

Myth 1: Everyone in prison claims they’re innocent. I’ve met almost no one in prison who claims they’re innocent.

 

Myth 2: Rapes, theft, and violence are a way of life in prison. Prison rapes, theft, and violence are fairly rare. All three are greatly exaggerated stereotypes. Bar none, some of the finest people I have ever met are in prison.

 

Myth 3: The more serious the crime, the more dangerous the person. Often, that’s not true. Many people (even with serious crimes) have turned themselves around. Strangely, people convicted of more serious crimes actually recidivate less (perhaps because they’ve already hit rock bottom): For example, sex offenders and homicide offenders recidivate 38 to 40 percent less than the average.

 

Myth 4: The United States incarcerates fewer people than other countries, but at a higher rate than any other country in the world; the United States has 5 percent of the world’s population but 25 percent of the world’s incarcerated.

 

Myth 5: Utah has increased its higher education, rehabilitation, and treatment programs. In Utah, the opposite is happening. Consider education. For every $1 spent on prison education, between $6 and $13 is saved. This is because educated convicts recidivate less: non high school graduates recidivate at over 70 percent, high school graduates at 24 percent, associate’s degree graduates at 10 percent, bachelor’s degree graduates at 5.6 percent, and master’s degree graduates at 0.5 percent. Yet in 2007, the state legislature stopped funding prison higher-education programs under the theory that prisoners need to be punished, not educated.

 

Myth 6: County jails are better able to rehabilitate prisoners. County jails offer limited (if any) rehabilitation programs. Time spent in county jails is largely unproductive.

 

Myth 7: Prisoners can earn “good time” to reduce their sentences. Even attorneys and judges are misinformed on this one. There is no such thing as “good time” in Utah prisons.

 

Myth 8: Prisoners know how much time they will serve. Utah is one of the last states in the union to have what is called “indeterminate sentencing.” Indeterminate sentencing means that when a person is sentenced, they have no idea how long they will serve. Utah has sentencing guidelines for each crime, but the guidelines have become ambiguous and meaningless.

 

Myth 9: Prisoners show little rehabilitative initiative. Gunnison prison has a prison-housing unit called STRIVE (Success Through Responsibility, Integrity, Values and Effort), which inmates and staff co-created. STRIVE inmates maintain 40-plus-hour productive weeks and teach classes to one another on topics such as fatherhood, relapse prevention, emotional control, etc.). STRIVE, a voluntary program, is one of the cheapest and most successful programs in the prison, with recidivism rates below 10 percent, yet STRIVE is not recognized by the board.

 

Myth 10: Being incarcerated affects only the individual incarcerated. Studies estimate that the real cost of incarceration per inmate (when you include the costs of building new prisons, unpaid taxes, etc.) is $168,000 per year. With 7,200 Utah inmates, that’s more than $1.2 billion a year. Families and children of inmates also suffer.

 

Some argue that prisons aren’t perfect, but that they’re the best we’ve got. Other countries are, however, trying punishments that mitigate the unintended consequences of prisons. In the Netherlands, for example, 19 prisons have been closed as the country focuses more on treatment and rehabilitation. Anonymous Utah Inmate”

 

Well I don’t have much to say since seeing you last weekend so I will  close now. I am about the same just older.  I miss you and not a day goes by that I do not think of you and hope you are in good spirits and being productive as much as you can.  Be good. Love Ben

 

30 October 2014 Thursday

So the 1st Term ends today and I have finished my last time I have Back to School, set up a new classroom, have UEA holidays or Halloween. Since this is my last Halloween Party yesterday I went out and bought two gallons of punch, two dozen pumpkin spice donuts and I was glad I did because while the PTA brought sugar cookies they didn’t bring any punch and said just give the kids water! Water? That made me mad.

 

 I know that at Orchard they sure the hell weren’t just giving the kids water. Later the office went out and bought punch but I said I had my own. At least the office was sensible. So after passing out all the treats I put on a movie “Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein” which none had ever seen but loved it even if the movie is nearly 70 years old. Timeless comedy because kids are still kids.

 

So I got to enter grades that were piling up and get some work done. In the afternoon we had an assembly with Tyler Whitesides who writes the Janitor series of kid books.  So that pretty much was my last Halloween party at school.

 

When I came  home it was so gorgeous out in the high 60’s that I decided to blow the deck and porch off because I hear its suppose to snow Sunday but I can hardly believe that.

 

So after that I decided to burn some twigs and small branches in the fire pit because I hadn’t used it all summer and fall. It was Samhain so I thought a pretty little fire would be cool and it was for a while.

 

Everything was going great until I decided to add some leaves and organic debris to the fire and then it began to smoke and smoke and smoke big billowy white smoke. I thought for sure that it would burn out but hadn’t and it seemed to be getting worse so I got the hose and started to put water on it when more smoke plumed out and then I see my neighbor and some woman asking if my house was on fire. They were so frantic.

 

 I was embarrassed but said no but the woman said that the woman across the street called the fire department because she thought my house was on fire and that the dogs were trapped when they pounded on the door and got no answer. So I went to the front yard and here comes the fire trucks. I was so chagrined feeling really stupid so I had to tell the firemen that there was no fire that leaves had made all that smoke.  I felt so dumb and that I would get a fine or a ticket but I didn’t.

 

So I caused a lot of excitement on Fernleaf today unintentionally. But I have to say that my house smelled like camp fire smoke for the rest of the night.

 

In sadder news, Randy and Kimberlee Gile put down their Pekinese pup Mulan that they had for at least 14 years maybe longer.  She was the last of the original dogs of Fernleaf. They are mourning her lost.

 

31 October 2014 Friday

There were no kids today because it was teacher’s prep but Liz Beck wanted us to participate in a film that was being made where we were the students and the kids were the teachers. Two of my students were in it.  That took much longer than anticipated and it was nearly noon before we could get into our rooms to work.

 

I changed seating and cleaned but at 3 I left when I learned that the school will be opened tomorrow to work. I wanted to get to the store and clean house a little before Bill Poore’s coming over. The store was packed with last minute shoppers trying to get home before the trick or treaters come out.  Bought a boat load of Soda that was on sale for 88 cents for two liters and some dog food. It was so pretty out and warm it is hard to believe that this is the end of October.

 

Bill came over about 6:30 bringing a Pizza from the Pie at the University.  The Trick or Treaters were out in droves this year. Must be a lot of new families in the neighborhood. I just turned off the lights rather than be glued to the door to hand out candy and listen to the dogs barking at everyone. So we watched The Shining and Bill said he had never seen it before and I bet it’s been nearly 20 years since I saw it.  In some ways it held up and in others the over the top acting was almost comical now but it was a fun way to spend Samhain.

 

He seemed to be okay wit Stanley his cat finally passing about a week ago.

 

NOVEMBER

1 November 2014 Saturday

The day started off warm, sunny and beautiful about 68 degrees as I went into work at 11 this morning  and worked until 3 in the afternoon getting lesson plans ready for next week.  Only about four teacher were there at Washington.

 

When I left at 3 the sky had turned dark and it was really blustery. A front had moved in with a wicked wind is blowing. Don't park under any trees. I saw a limb snap off and it fell onto a SUV smashing it. Branches and leaves flying every which way...Thank goodness this storm held off a day or we would have had little witches and ghosts flying around for real...

 

I made split pea soup in the Crockpot for tomorrow's cool down and now I believe it just very might snow in the mountains and rain down here. All evening it was kind of blustery outside...so batten down the hatches...hopefully it will strip most of the leaves from the trees so I don't have to clean them off the deck every day as I have been doing.

 

I turned the clocks back today so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow and in the evening I began watching the series “The 100” about a dystopia future involving young people building a new future. It is kind of good and watched about 4 episodes before heading to bed.

 

The West Pointe Community Council said the area just north of me , where the new soccer fields, on the west side of I 215 is on the short list of one of the 4 possible sites for the new prison ...I have no problem with that all the city is going to try and oppose it. I guess the other locations are just west of Amelia Earhart Drive north of I 80 about where the old Bare Ass Beach use to be.

 

President Obama's ratings are down despite the highest economic growth since the Clinton years and had  brought us out of the Republican Great Recession.

 

2 November 2014 Sunday

Dear Kyle, I hope you are well and productive. As I write you it’s a cool rainy morning, and back on Standard Time. Well October, your birthday month, is over and what a wild ride that was for you. Well I know it broke up the monotony if nothing else but as the saying goes “Lord spare us from interesting times.”

 

 I seem to be in good enough health, had my flu shot, but if I get Ebola it’s all Obama’s fault. How did Americans get this stupid to believe everything Fox News says? Oh well.

 

Come Tuesday we will see how it all plays out. This past week was only a four day work week because the 1st term ended on Thursday.  This second term will speed by with all the holidays.

 

I took Chuck Whyte out for a birthday dinner at Panda Buffet for his 57th birthday on October 27th. He’s getting worse mentally from his disability and I think also from his lack of socializing and isolating in his Condo due to it being too hard for him to get out and about.

 

The Pride Center had a board meeting last Monday too which Michael Aaron attended. He said the room's atmosphere changed dramatically when he walked in 15 minutes late, and they restructured the whole meeting because he was there. They were upset that they couldn’t keep us more in the dark.

 

Michael Aaron wrote me asking “So if you were to guess what Bruce Bastian donates to Utah Pride Fest so as to be listed as a top sponsor, what would it be?” I said probably $25,000 and Michael said that was three times as much as he actually donates.

 

Bastian only gave $8,000 to the Pride Festival, which Michael said it costs the Q more than that to do the Q’s contributions in advertising.  It kind of tells you that Bastian is done with the center.

 

When Michael posted his comments about the board meeting he said that Netto wanted him to remove the amount that Bastian contributed to the festival but he just ignored their request. I told him “fuck them”.

 

Charles told me that Steven Ha wants to get rid of Netto in January when his term is up. But Michael Aaron said Beano Solomon “has the Center by the nads and won't let that happen.” They ought to give that piece of crap building back to Beano... Down size the center to a house or office since no Gay activities take place there anymore.

 

It was broken into a couple of weeks ago and all their donated laptop computers for the youth center were stolen and now there’s a security guard patrolling the place. You can’t get into the center unless you are buzzed in…no more simple drop in like at the place on 3rd West.

 

Michael Aaron says it's all changing to counseling, for addicts, DUI’s, refugees with no relation to sexual orientation at all. But times are a changing. Maybe we don’t need Pride Centers anymore.

 

I had my students write an opinion essay on whether they like Halloween or not and right in the middle of this one students essay, this student wrote "my mom is going to marry Marlisa and I am going to have step brothers and sisters. Marlisa is going to be my new step mom...”

 

Then she went on to tell where her moms are going to honeymoon. What that actually had to do with Halloween I don’t know…but wow…Without blinking an eye she shared about her two moms.

 

The other day I looked up my old home in Garden Grove and saw that it was up for sale so I looked up the specs and it was being sold for $459,000!!! Location is everything. [laughing out loud]. My folks bought it 60 years ago this month for $8,500.

 

I was really surprised to see that my parents’ home in Garden Grove sat on a 7,840 sq feet lot and my home in Salt Lake is 7,841 sq ft!!! Kind of a coincidence. I always thought our old place was huge as a kid but I am 1 sq ft bigger [laughing out loud].

 

My house has 1478 sq feet including the basement and two car garage, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms... My folk’s house had 1,156 sq feet and 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms.

 

My house is worth $149,000… $300,000 less than my folks home. And my house is built so much better than the chicken wire and stucco frame house of my folks. Location, location, location.

 

 With the end of the 1st Term I have finished my last time having “Back to School Night”, setting up a new classroom, having UEA holidays or Halloween at school. Since this was my last Halloween Party I went out and bought two gallons of punch, two dozen pumpkin spice donuts and a bunch of candy.  I was glad I did because while the PTA bought sugar cookies, they didn’t bring any punch and said just give the kids water! Water? That made me mad. I know that at Orchard they sure the hell wouldn’t just give the kids water.

 

Later the office, after seeing the PTA dropped the ball, went out and bought punch but I said I had my own. At least the office was sensible.

 

So after passing out all the treats I put on a movie “Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein” which none had ever seen but loved it even if the movie is nearly 70 years old. Timeless comedy because kids are still kids no matter what. So that pretty much was my last Halloween party at school.

 

When I came  home it was so gorgeous out still in the high 60’s that I decided to blow off the deck and porch because I heard its suppose to snow on that Sunday. I hate having a bunch of soggy leaves after a snow storm. So after clearing everything I decided to burn some twigs and small branches in the fire pit you built because I hadn’t used it all summer and fall.

 

It was also Samhain so I thought a pretty little fire would be cool to look at while I rested. Everything was going great until I decided to add some leaves and organic debris to the fire that had died down and then it began to smoke, and smoke, and smoke… big billowy white smoke. I thought for sure that it would burn out but it didn’t and seemed to be getting worse.

 

So I got the hose out and started to put water on it when even more smoke plumed out. As I was doing that I see my neighbor behind me and some woman frantically asking over the fence if my house was on fire! I was embarrassed but said no just burning leaves but then the woman said that the woman across the street had called the fire department because she thought my house was on fire and worried that the dogs were trapped inside. They had pounded on the front door but off course I was in the back yard.

 

So I went to the front yard and here comes the fire trucks. I was so chagrined, feeling really stupid… so I had to tell the firemen that there was no fire that leaves had made all that smoke.  I felt so dumb… and that I was certain I would get a fine or a ticket but I didn’t. So I caused a lot of excitement on Fernleaf last Thursday unintentionally. I have to say that my house smelled like camp fire smoke for the rest of the night.         

 

For Halloween it was another warm beautiful evening.  It was so pretty out and warm… it was hard to believe that this is the end of October.  The stores were packed with last minute shoppers trying to get home before the trick or treaters came out.  I bought a boat load of Coke and Pepsi that was on sale for 88 cents for two liters and some dog food.

 

Bill Poore came over about 6:30 and brought a pizza from the Pie at the University.  The Trick or Treaters were out in droves this year. Must be a lot of new families in the neighborhood. I just turned off the lights rather than be glued to the door handing out candy and listening to the dogs barking at everyone.

 

So instead we watched “The Shining”. Bill said he had never seen it before and I bet it’s been nearly 20 years since I saw it.  In some ways it held up and in others the over the top acting by Jack Nichols and Shelly Duval were almost comical now… but it was a fun way to spend Samhain.

 

 So now it’s November. On Saturday the day started off warm, sunny and beautiful about 68 degrees as I went into work at 11 in the morning and worked until 3 p.m. getting lesson plans ready for next week. When I left the sky had turned dark and it was really blustery out. A front had moved in with a wicked wind blowing. I saw a limb snap off and it fell onto a SUV smashing it over in Rose Park. Branches and leaves were flying every which way...Thank goodness this storm held off a day or we would have had little witches and ghosts flying around for real.

 

I made split pea soup for the cool down and now I believe it just very might snow in the mountains because it’s raining down here. All Saturday evening it was blustery outside, almost gale winds...so I battened down the hatches and climbed in bed with the pups...hopefully it stripped most of the leaves from the trees so I don't have to clean them off the deck every day as I have been doing.

 

I watched a television series on Netflix called The 10 about a dystopia future involving young people building a new society. Premise is that earth had been destroyed during a Nuclear War and the only survivors were in a space station colony that was running out of oxygen so they send 100 teens back to earth hoping that after 90 years the surface was livable again. It is kind of good and I watched about 4 episodes before heading to bed.

 

I heard from the West Pointe Community Council that the area just north of me where the new soccer fields are being built and on the west side of I 215 is on the short list of being one of the 4 possible sites for the new state prison ...I have no problem with that but the city is going to try and oppose it. But since the state legislature hates Salt Lake City, who knows what will happen.

 

I guess the other locations are just west of Amelia Earhart Drive and the airport just north of I 80 about where the old Bare Ass Beach use to be.  Kind of make sense to build it there because the land is empty and probably will never be developed much because lack of water out there but it is still close to services that a prison would need.  Interesting I guess.

 

Well yesterday I checked my mail box and nothing was there and the flap was open so if anything was in there it surely went with the wind. I hope there wasn’t a letter from you in there. If there was it’s probably in Bountiful or the Great Salt Lake or Oz…it was a fierce wind.

 

Well don’t know what else to write. I am going over with some Gay friends of mine to help clean this 90 year old lady’s house at noon. Her family has neglected her so my friend Brandon Burt solicited a bunch of us to go over and clean. I guess it’s pretty bad.  It’s Sunday morning now and I am going to close now to get this in the mail. For better or worse Your friend Ben

 

3 November 2014 Monday

The Mormon Church’s announced that Joseph Smith had multiple wives. And this is news why? After school got on line to check out the Judiciary that is up for election, the ballot measures, and school board candidates so I can vote early in the morning tomorrow.

 

4 November 2014 Tuesday

You won't vote because you think both parties are bad? You are a fucking idiot then and the reason America is turning into a Corporate Empire rather than a Republic... I Voted at 7 am before heading to work...I forgot my reading glasses so I put it on large font and voted a straight Dem ticket just to be safe... Only office I didn't vote for was surveyor because only one person was on a ballot ... A republican!!! I never vote for a Republican out conscience even for dog catcher... Voted against amendments and for the ZAP [Zoo, Arts, and Parks] tax and to retain all judges and for Brouchard for School Board...   Pissing people off today on Face Book by shaming them for voting Republicans [laughing out loud] I was called a Bully for telling the truth...Republicans for 30 years have done everything they could to disparage, deny civil rights, demean, destroy our families and to withhold health information that could of saved 10s of thousand lives of my people and I am a bully?

 

Republicans have given up conservatives like Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, and Goldwater for Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, and the Tea Party. They absolutely should be ashamed. McConnell won in Kentucky and soon it became apparent that we are going to lose the Senate. Fifty-Five percent of Kentuckians are assholes. By the end of the day it was apparent that it was a Democratic Train wreck as the Senate fell into the criminal hands of Republicans

 

5 November 2014 Wednesday

Happy Guy Fawkes Day…So you think Utah is not a Theocracy? Look at all the county races...most of Utah's counties ran only 1 candidate for office...a Mormon Republican ... This is a one party state where most elections are decided within Ward houses.

 

I survived Nixon and Kissinger. I survived Reagan and Jesse Helms. I survived George W Bush and Cheney. We will survive McConnell and Boehner. All the Koch money will not make them live forever... This too shall pass.

 

I wrote Kyle a letter today. Dear Kyle, I got your Halloween letter today. I think I know what the two notices are for. The letter I sent on your birthday was returned to me from Manila as not deliverable as they wrote on it that the inmate was not in the facility.

 

When I got it back I just put the whole letter, envelope and all, in a new envelope.  Both were addressed to you but they just saw that it looked like inmate to inmate without checking to see that it was to you.

 

The other letter returned is even funnier. When I took it to mail, I had it in a bag with my school lunch which contained butter biscuits and I noticed that some of the butter leaked on the letter but I thought nothing of it. I didn’t know butter was a dangerous substance [lots of laughter]. Lessons learned.

 

I never got them back from Gunnison yet. I am sending you the letters again that I wrote. They were saved on my computer. I am pretty sure these are the ones you never got. If you have these, then send me the dates of the letters you have received and I’ll try to retrieve the ones you don’t have for you. 

 

“17 October 2014 Dear Kyle,  I am writing you on your 35th birthday to let you know I am thinking of you and that  I got two letters from you today, one dated the 10th and another the 15th. So if I couldn’t be with you today at least I have some letters to hold in my hands.  I have not heard from VINE yet of any transfer as of today.  It seems odd that you are being shuffled around. Strange that my friend Bill Poore, who says he is psychic, told me yesterday he had a feeling you weren’t going to be in Daggett very long.

 

I am glad that you have been catching up on your “R” rated movies. I bet you did watch the Gay scenes on Game of Thrones a few times [lots of laughter]. I’ve been watching Season six of True Blood but I think that show has jumped the shark. But I am glad you have something to do to pass the time. Funny the little things that matter. I don’t go to the movies anymore. I think the last time was last July when Bill and I went to see the Disney Maleficent Movie with Angelina Jolie.

 

Did you hear the Mormon Church made a movie called Meet The Mormons? True story. The biggest spread in history of Rotten Tomatoes. “Meet the Mormons” has an AUDIENCE score of 92 percent and a 0 on the CRITICS “Tomatometer”. Hahaha…

 

On Face Book an email is going around showing that “a stake has assigned each ward to send 10-15 members to attend each of the six showings in the area. If you suppose there are 12 wards in a stake, the stake is asking that 120-180 members attend each showing. That equates to 720-1080 people for all six showings. The letter even says that if you can’t afford tickets then the ward will pay.

 

I wonder if this will come from tithing funds or fast offering donations. In my opinion, neither of these sacred funds should be used to pay for members to see a film (at $15 a ticket).” How funny is that? Oh Well.

 

Arizona became a free state today on your birthday. Their Attorney General gave up fighting Gay marriage there. Wyoming is still being held up while the state appeals. Otherwise the world is only worried about Ebola which as you well know is all Obama’s fault.   

 

Tore out my squash plants from the garden yesterday but kept some of the tomato plants because it’s been so warm here in the 70’s. I have a whole bunch of green tomatoes so if the weather stays nice I should be able to get more. I am going to can salsa I guess with what I get off the plants.

 

My last aunt died yesterday back in Texas. She was my aunt by marriage but was my mom’s girlfriend back in the 1940’s. My uncle and she married in 1944 when they were 17 and 16 and my mom and dad went with them when they eloped and married in New Mexico. My mom was only 15 and dad 19…I come from a wild family [laughing out loud]. But they are all gone now. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, and I am the last of the boy cousins.  Seems strange to see your family disappear like that.

 

Charles Frost came over today to soak in the hot tub. I just strung holiday lights up around the back under  the metal roof and it looks pretty cool and festive. He’s job hunting again. He said that the Pride Center was broken into and all the new computers that they just got to set up a cyber space for the youth were stolen. I guess they hired a security guard now. They just need to admit that location was a bad idea and move but I really don’t care anymore.  Got other things to worry about. I sent him home with an apple pie I made for Doug Lott.  It’s his favorite kind of pie.

 

Took Chuck to lunch last Wednesday at Chuck A Rama so he could fill his tank. He’s doing okay just dirt poor.  About 3 months ago I helped him replace his cell phone that some trick he had come over had ripped off from his place and then just last week while at Smiths on 4th South this lady in a car with a handicap sticker asked if she could borrow his phone to make a call and when he handed it to her, she put the car in gear and sped away. So now he has a new phone but it took all the cash reserves he had.      Sorry about your pizza… was it onions and hamburger pizza? But I am glad you are developing a tolerance for a very healthy veggie [lots of laughter].  I hope you will be able to take things you bought with the money I sent you this time. Does the money in your account just get transferred to where ever they put you this time? Do you think you are going back to Gunnison? I certainly hope they don’t send you to one of those jail that you were worried about. But stay upbeat and I will look for the package of your writings and will keep it safe for you until you get out. 

 

I am glad you are keeping a journal even though at times it can be painful to reread. I look back at some of the things I wrote over the years and realize that I am not that same person.  Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time to myself when I was hurting and just say, hang on it will be okay.

 

I miss you but have to believe we are all where we need to be for right now.  I am enclosing your story about the birds you wrote as a separate page so you can give it to whoever you want.

 

Happy Birthday my friend Ben

 

PS as soon as you are settled again I will reorder your magazines again. Oh well your life is not your own for now. Love Always Ben”

 

“ 19 October 2014 Dear Kyle, Just a quick note to let you know  that I know you were transferred from Daggett, but unfortunately not until after I sent a letter off to you on your birthday.  Hopefully everything will transfer to you and not get lost. I received your three packages yesterday on the 18th and I will put them down beneath the stairs with things I still have of yours.

 

. I also got two letters from you on your birthday but I think one is missing, the one you wrote about Gay marriage. Maybe it will show up eventually.  I am glad you were able to halt your orders so that money wasn’t wasted like the money I sent you at Gunnison for clothing last August. Hopefully you will get my letter to you I wrote on your birthday. If not this is just another one hoping it gets to you.

 

Only news around here is that Michael Romero’s sister Michelle died on Saturday from her liver shutting down. She had a really bad drinking problem and never could quit it. She was only 54. I don’t think Michael will go up. I called his father and said how sorry I was and that the Romeros were like a family to me.

 

Well I won’t write more until I get a good address for you. Hopefully you won’t be in the West Wing very long and that you will go back into a prison instead of a county jail. But we will just have to wait and see. They can’t make a prisoner of your mind. Keep writing even if it’s just to past the time and keep you mind occupied. Love Ben as always”

 

 As for your accounts, I sent 3 money orders to you while in Manila. I sent a $50 money order dated Sept 28 2014, and a $200 money order dated Oct 5, 2014 and I sent you one for $50 before your birthday.  I wired you money into your account this year through Access Corrections 05/04/2014 $70.00 08/14/2014 $135.00  09/01/2014 $150.00 So you should have had $655 on your accounts…if that helps your counselor track the money. Have you itemized what you spent? I hope they figure this out for you soon. 

 

Well I guess you know Jim Dabakis and Gill Sim were reelected so that is at least something we can celebrate. Frigging Republicans acting like they have a mandate from the people when only 38 percent of Americans bothered to vote…the lowest turnout since 1942! San Pete County had no contested elections. Every office had one candidate a Republican and the same with Daggett County. Why would people vote if it’s already determined who is going to be elected! Right out of the Ward House in most counties.

 

The following Counties had NO contested races or if contested it was by the Libertarian party or Constitution Party: Box Elder, Cache, Daggett, Duchene, Emery, Iron, Kane, Morgan, Piute, Rich, San Pete, Sevier, Uintah, and Utah. Each had only one candidate a Republican! The following counties had only one contested race with a Democrat: Beaver, Garfield, Millard, Wasatch, and Wayne…[in Millard the Dem won the race.]

 

The most Democratic races outside of Salt Lake City were Carbon 4, San Juan 5, Summit 5, Tooele 5, Juab 4, Washington 3, Davis 2, and Weber 2. But democrats only won an office in these Counties: Beaver, Carbon, Juab, Millard, Salt Lake, San Juan, and Summit. Democrats only won office in 7 of Utah’s 29 Counties. No wonder no one votes.

 

The old USSR was like that. Everyone got to vote but there was only one person to vote for! [lots of laughter]. Well finally the Republicans can’t make Obama a one term president, Hahahaha… The Party of NO is in charge now so get ready for No social security, no VA benefits, no new infrastructure, no regulation of the coal and oil industries, no minimum wage increase, no immigration reformed, no progress period.

 

I survived Nixon and Kissinger. I survived Reagan and Jesse Helms. I survived George W Bush and Cheney. We will survive McConnell and Boehner… All the Koch money will not make them live forever… This too shall pass. Your friend for better or worse Ben

 

6 November 2014 Thursday

It will be interesting to see how much Mia Love can really accomplish in Washington working with her other Priesthood holding Utah delegates. I guess as long as she realizes she's a token and doesn't get too uppity she will be just fine. She will be trotted out on occasion to show how diverse the Republicans are and attacking Obama has nothing to do with race. But she better be careful Utah doesn't cotton to uppity women who don't know their place.

 

In a basically one party state it's hard to be an active voter...if I lived in one of the 20 counties that only had Republicans on the ballot I am sure I would not vote if it meant voting for a Republican. Lowest voter turnout nationally in a midterm election since 1942.

 

I think Democrats lost this election because they were wimps. Instead of not having Obama campaign they should have embraced the policies of a sitting Democrat president...attacked the Republicans as a party of obstructionists, a party of anti-women, anti- immigration reformed, deniers of Climate change, anti-minimum wage and want to repeal basic health coverage for millions of Americans without a plan of their own?

 

Last year they shut down the frigging government! Instead of distancing themselves they should have embraced and went on the attack...we may still have lost but people would know what we stand for... we are party of the people. We only need to tell the truth about Republicans to counter their lies against Democrats. These are nasty people and bullies.

 

7 November 2014 Friday

Had an unknown caller leave a message on my iPhone calling me a "fucking faggot" this afternoon. That was original and chicken shit .... When I use to have my phone hooked to an answering machine in the 1980s it was also the number for about 4 Gay groups I was involved with and I used to get phone calls in the middle of the night calling me Faggot... I guess times haven't changed as much as I thought.

 

It might just be this mentally disturbed kid I met last April in Ogden off of Silver  Daddies that is obsessed that I haven’t wanted to hook back up with him. I wrote him on SD and explained that we lived too far away and I was trying to be gentle but the truth he is that he is scary and suicidal and blames me.  Scary. It really is. I started locking all my doors in case he finds out where I live and tries to stalk me.

 

I wrote Kyle today. Dear Kyle, It’s already one week into November and I got your letter today dated November 4. I am so glad you got transferred to Birch where you know more people. It won’t be long until you will be back into STRIVE.

 

I sent two letters to you that just contained mail that has come to the house periodically. I will be better about sending them to you quicker. I put $195 in your account so you should have it by the time you receive this letter. I hope having a television helps with passing the time and I know it must be good to have access to a library again.

 

Enclosed also is a copy of my phone bill like they required so I hope that will help get phone privileges. I was amazed how fast your letter came because normally it’s five to six days from the time you write to the time I receive a letter.

 

 I was feeling kind of upset today. I had an unknown caller leave a message on my iPhone this afternoon calling me a "fucking faggot". When I used to have my phone hooked to an answering machine back in the 1980s, it was also the public number for about 4 Gay groups I was involved with and I use to get phone calls in the middle of the night calling me “Faggot”. I figured it was closeted kids getting their kicks calling a homo up.  I guess times haven't changed as much as I thought. Well I guess we will have to let the Republicans run amok for two years.  I saw this on Face book and thought it was funny.

 

  “Congratulation Voters Here is what you rejected voting out Democrats: 65 straight months of economic growth A record 56 months of private sector job growth Unemployment falling from 10.1 percent to 5.9 percent The budget deficit reduced by 2/3s Fewer Americans in harm’s way in foreign war zones Zero attacks by al Qaeda on American soil Record stock market growth Here is what Republicans gave us the last time they were in charge- Two economic recessions The worse financial collapse since the Great Depression The worse terrorist attack on America in history Two longest wars in American history The worse record of job creation since Herbert Hoover A complete collapse of the stock market A budget surplus turned into a trillion dollar deficit Well played America, well played.”

 

What a nightmare it’s going to be with James Inhofe of Oklahoma as chairman of the Environment & Public Works Committee. He’s the Senate's most outspoken denier of the scientific consensus that climate change is real and man-made and is a fucking Christian Creationist who believes the earth is for man to do with whatever the hell he wants.

 

Next worse will be Orrin Hatch as chairman of the Finance Committee which has jurisdiction over taxes, entitlements and health spending and is an enemy of the Affordable Care Act.

 

I think Democrats lost this election nationally because they were wimps. Instead of not having Obama campaign for them, they should have embraced the policies of a sitting Democrat president...attacked the Republicans as a party of obstructionists, a party of anti-women, anti- immigration reformed, deniers of Climate change, anti-minimum wage and wanting to repeal basic health coverage for millions of Americans without a plan of their own!

 

Last year they shut down the frigging government! That should have been a major issue. Instead of distancing themselves from Obama and what we stand for they should have embraced and went on the attack...we may still have lost but people would know what we stand for... we are party of the working people.

 

We only need to tell the truth about Republican policies to counter the lies they tell against Democrats. These are nasty people and bullies they only respect strength.

 

Jim Dabakis posted the same sentiments on his Face Book page “Thanks Obammmmma....Boo to Democratic Senate candidates around the USA for quaking instead of 'splaning. Your President has been economically awesome--if you want to be a US Senator, you need to be able to open your mouth and tell your constituents the truth--not crawl under the bed with Fox News! No wonder you all lost.”

 

It will be interesting to see how much Mia Love can really accomplish in Washington working with her other “Priesthood” holding Utah delegates. I guess as long as she realizes she's a token and doesn't get too uppity she will be just fine. She will be trotted out on occasion to show how diverse the Republicans are and that attacking Obama has nothing to do with race.

 

But she better be careful Utah doesn't cotton to uppity women who don't know their place. Ask Kate Kelly of Ordain Women about what happens to uppity women. While the Republicans are creaming their panties over Mia they forget that Shirley Chisholm was THE FIRST Black woman elected to Congress and she was a DEMOCRAT. In 1968 no less...

 

As always Republicans are 40 years behind the Democrats...So Mia Love can go suck it... She will NEVER be a Shirley Chisholm whose campaign slogan was "Unbought and unbossed". Mia Love CAN NEVER say that. As member of House Agricultural Committee Chisholm met with Robert Dole and worked to expand the food stamp program. She played a critical role in the creation of the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children (WIC) program. 

 

So everyone is so smug that Utah made history by electing the first black woman  ever to Congress but what did not make the headlines is that Utah also made history by electing the first black woman to the state legislature! Democrat Sandra Hollins will represent District 23,  my district here in the northwest part of Salt Lake City. And she beat the Republican by a 30 point margin! Yay for Rose Park and West Pointe or Marmalade West, as you use to tell your friendly “friends”. J 

 

Speaking of Jim Dabakis he asked me to go with him to the Pioneer Theater tomorrow evening to see a play called “One Man, Two Guvners” which people say is really funny. Jim is good about taking me to plays and shows when his hubby Steve doesn’t want to go.

 

 I heard from my 24 year old Armenian ward Levon Mirakyan, today, that he wants to come back to Utah from Texas. He said the church people there are “freaky”.  I told him before he went to watch out for crazy Southern Baptists. So I told him that he will always have a home here. 

 

I am having Comcast installed this month, not for cable TV but for internet. Clear is going away next year so I thought I better get a new provider. I’ll see how they are and after a year I can always drop them.

 

I am babysitting Coco this weekend because Mike went up to Rawlins for his sister’s memorial service. I guess they are scattering her ashes up in the mountains.

 

The dogs are being groomed tomorrow by Chevy Stephen Bolinder. That’s $160 but he comes to the house and does all four dogs. They are certainly worth it.

 

Last week Lucky was so sweet he actually crawled next to my head and wrapped his paws around my neck like he was hugging me.  He is such a sweet boy and it will be a year in a few weeks that I got him from the pound. Daisy and Buddy takes me for granted not knowing any other life than that of the Life of Riley.

 

 I have been really tired lately. Losing my pep. I have some type of rash on my right leg that I have been putting cortisone cream on but it itches so much that it wakes me up in the middle of the night several times. Hope it goes away soon.

 

Next week is Parent Teachers Conference so not looking forward to that…makes for long days. Well I don’t know much more to write.  I am so happy that you are able to make the best of a bad situation and that you are becoming a better person and the man your Mom and Dad would want you to become.

 

No matter how much I miss your association, I know you are where you need to be to learn the life lessons that will serve you well for the rest of your life so you can meet a companion to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I hope that when I am gone you will continue to live your life in such a way that you will be an example of service, purpose, and integrity.

 

Kyle you have wasted so much of your talent on vanity, on material trash, on false values. I hope this time is a time of reflection on what really matters in the old world the only thing that does last, fidelity and love. Everything in this world is an illusion except the passion and love we should have for one another in this old world. Find a path be true to it and those on the same path will seek you out. This poem has helped me more times than I can say.

 

Waiting by John Borough

SERENE, I fold my hands and wait, Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;

I rave no more 'gainst time or fate, For, lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays, For what avails this eager pace?

I stand amid the eternal ways, And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day, The friends I seek are seeking me;

No wind can drive my bark astray, Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone? I wait with joy the coming years;

 

My heart shall reap where it hath sown And garner up its fruit of tears.

The waters know their own and draw The brook that springs in yonder height.

So flows the good with equal law Unto the soul of pure delight.

The stars come nightly to the sky; The tidal wave unto the sea.

Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,

Can keep my own away from me.

 

Love from your kith and kin Ben

 

8 November 2014 Saturday

Gonna be a busy day. Going in to school this morning (yes I know its Saturday) to get ready for Parent Teacher Conferences next week, then Stephen Bolinder is coming at 1 to groom four dogs and this evening going with James Dabakis to IN THE EVENINGT to see One Man Two Guvners... I hope this old man can keep up...

 

9 November 2014 Sunday

I fixed a Sunday dinner for Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte today. Bill had gotten me tickets to Three Penny Opera at  the Babcock Theater so I thought I’d pay him back with a home cooked meal. He loves Mormon funeral potatoes, so I cooked a pot roast, some green beans and potatoes for them. We had a nice visit and Bill brought me some flowers.

 

I just dread fall conferences. I don’t know why I do at Washington because they have never been that bad. Only once had I had to stop a conference and ask a parent to leave because he was a step-father and he just wanted to rant about school in general.  Orchard had some pretty bad conferences and often blindsided not knowing there was a problem at all until apparent showed up. Usually it was some stupid thing a kid went home and told that I hadn’t even done. Ha!

 

Once this parent started berating me for showing a R rated movie The Nightmare on Elm Street when actually I had just shown The Nightmare before Christmas…

 

Oh well now I think it’s just the long days and the constant being “on” before all these parents who don’t what to hear realistic news on what their children are doing in school.

 

10 November 2014 Monday

I had four conferences right after work but I was able to leave at 5:30 to go home and feed the dogs. Tomorrow will my horrendous day.  I sent $100 to Kyle today on his accounts and wrote him.

 

Dear Kyle, I got two letters from you today. One was dated the 5th and the other the 6th of November and I also got back the two letters they wouldn’t deliver to you.  I will send those too even though I sent you the gist of them in my last letter. As for the money I sent to Manila I will see about that but probably won’t get a chance to do anything about it until next Friday.

 

I have parent teacher conferences all this week starting today and tomorrow and Wednesday. I won’t be getting home until after 8. The conferences wear me out and I can barely feed the dogs before I want to fall into bed. I will send you $50 tonight so you should have some money before we find out what they have done with it. Hopefully it will come to you before I can see about it. Your money for your television rental should be in your account by now since I wired it last Friday.

 

Saturday was a busy day for me but kind of fun. Michael left Coco home with me and Stephen Bolinder (Chevy) came over and groomed the dogs all afternoon. That left me  $160 lighter in the wallet but if you are going to have pets you have to take care of them.  When I brought Buddy home nearly 10 years ago as a puppy I never knew he would turn into such a "watch dog". No, he doesn't keep prowlers away.  He wakes me up every day at 6:30 in the morning, whether I am ready to get up or not, by barking at me until I get up.

 

Lucky is so unlike him and is not a morning person...he curls up in the crook of my legs and would sleep in everyday if I didn't get up. The other day I was shocked by what a little sweet lover he’s become. He crawled up to me in bed put his little paws around my neck and just was kissing my face.  Not that I wanted him kissing my face but he was so affectionate I couldn’t push him a way.

 

And Daisy well she's still just big bone Daisy ...She’s loving the outside with the cool air.

 

In the evening I went to the Pioneer Memorial Theater with Jim Dabakis. There was a football game at the same time and we nearly could not find any parking at all but we squeezed into a place behind Kingsbury Hall and walked over. We saw a funny farce called “One Man, Two Guvners” which had a lot of pratfalls by actors., some about my age, I am not sure how they could do it night after night...

 

Your friend Alexis Baigue was in it but had only 3 lines.  The show was fun and it had a four man skiffle band, one who played the washboard that was really good. He was very good looking too. It seemed like a concert as well as a theater production.

 

The house was only half full though and I thought it was because of the game but a friend who also went to see it said it was half full that night too. I think most people never heard of the play and I know I hadn’t.

 

Jim is a season ticket holder and that is the only reason I went…mainly to be with Jim.  We talked about the elections of course but also about the pride center…Michelle Turpin was feeding a bunch bull shit of talk about how grand the Las Vegas Center is to him but I said it doesn’t matter how grand the place is if it doesn’t have a vision.

 

Michael Aaron said when he went to the board meeting a week ago he said the center is changing its focus to counseling for addicts, DUI, refugees with no regard to sexual orientation.

 

Yesterday I fixed a dinner for Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte since neither one will be coming over for Thanksgiving. Chuck is going to Palm Springs to spend it with his brother’s family and Bill Poore is going to his brother’s although he really doesn’t want to go but is being guilted into it.

 

 Bill Poore brought me some flowers for the table and it was a beautiful November day on Sunday, warm nearly 70 degrees.  It’s cold today only about 45 degrees!

 

On this Great Basin Bad Boys Face book Page that Charles Frost and I started over 2 years ago a bunch of guys started posting about funeral potatoes (I’ll explain later) and so I made them for dinner and you should be proud to know I used your mother’s recipe. You left your Mom’s Taylorville Ward Cook book here and this is the first time I ever used it. I was looking for a funeral potatoes recipe when I saw that it was your mom’s recipe. It even said for people after they make it to bring some to “Bruce” your dad [lots of laughter]. Sounded like he really liked funeral potatoes. (Your mom said to put 2 tablespoon of minced onions in it. How did you let her do that? [lots of laughter])

 

So to go along with that I made crescent rolls, green beans with bacon, burgundy cooked pot roast with onions, a Waldorf green jello salad, and an apple cobbler. I even served the last of my tomatoes from the garden. Sounds like a typical Sunday Mormon dinner doesn’t it [lots of laughter].

 

I wonder what people will do when they forget how to cook? So how did I get a hankering for funeral potatoes. It all started when one of the guys posted a picture of two cute guys in their garments and wrote “You can thank my (whatever great she might be) grandma. Elizabeth Warren Allred was the Betsy Ross of temple garments”.

 

I flippantly wrote: “Bring back the tie and ribbon Union suit garments the only true and holy underwear.” And it took off after that.

 

James Connelly wrote I've removed those from enough men. I hope I never see them again. Then I posted a picture of what they looked like in my BYU days 40 years ago and said :”Now this what I'm talking... that's all they wore back in the day and everyone lounged around in them because they were so comfy.”

 

 I like how the LDS Inc has backed off on the traditional view that garments were for physical protection as well as spiritual protection. When I was at BYU the faith promoting story that was going around was how an LDS sailor fell overboard and a shark bit off one leg up to the garment then bit off the other leg up to the garment line and then bit off both arms up to the garment...I was amazed until I was told the shark bit his head off but the garment was untouched! I laughed my head off hearing that which was probably not nice and said why didn't he pull the garment over his head? [lots of laughter]

 

I heard how bullets flattened against them, how people were saved in fires, and old timers would NEVER take them off and even bathed with the garment around one leg so it was always on their body.

 

Brandon Burt wrote  “Gods no, no, NO! Who are these people who think temple garmies are sexy?!?!?! They are the most unflattering underwear ever devised by man or deity. Once I hooked up with this guy ... he wore the funny underwear. And for dirty talk, he kept asking, "So ... were you ... [pant pant] ... raised in ... THE RELIGION?" Talk about losing a hard-on, like, instantly!

 

I responded with lots of laughter and said 22 year old boys with crotch less underwear. Need I say more? The original garment was designed only for priesthood men, after the pattern of mid-nineteenth century long johns. It was originally a one-piece garment made of plain, unbleached cotton cloth that covered the body from ankles to wrists. No buttons were used on the garment. Four to five tie-strings took their place to hold the front closed. The garment had little collars which were not visible from the outside of the shirt worn over it. In the crotch area was a large flap, which ran from the back below the waist all the way under the body and met the front tie closing. The flap was completely double so the men had to pull it apart in order to expose themselves. And Mormon men have been exposing themselves ever since”

 

“Some LDS Women are so anxious for the Priesthood but until 50 years they just wanted their own underwear.  Because women were not originally intended to be a part of the endowment ceremony, when they were finally admitted, women received the same garment as the men. Women and men in the church wore the very same garments until 1965. Thus, all Mormon pioneer women wore the men's garment, which were 100% cotton long johns. Now that was sexy.

 

Brandon wrote “Now THAT'S sexy! [lots of laughter] Oh my gods. No wonder the sisters are not smiling in those old photos they have hanging at the Pioneer Museum! They had BUTTON FLIES chafing their nether regions [lots of laughter]

 

Doug Wortham wrote “Ben, You’re one very smart dude. I’m sending you by e-mail the quote from my family’s history about Elizabeth Warren Allred making the first pair of garments. When I went on my mission, Russia was part of the USSR. (Or was it the other way? The USSR was part of Russia.) I told people garments were made by Russian grandmothers (those stout and harsh-looking women who always seemed to be standing in bread lines) for extra money, but they didn’t know they were sewing underwear. They thought they were sewing curtains.

 

Michael N wrote I'll say it again ... I am not LDS anymore and have very hard feelings for some of their tenets, but it is truly childish and disrespectful to make light of something very sacred to some when it doesn't do any harm. Shame on you”

 

I wrote back “Michael you have a right to your opinion but you don't have the right to shame anyone on this site...there are other sites if this offends you... I don't care whether Mormons find their underwear special or not ... 40 years of hateful soul crushing rhetoric does not give Mormons the right to be sensitive about anything Gay people may say...No one sees this site but us so either get over it or we will miss you... •                     Doug Wortham also wrote: When my mom was lost due to Alzheimer’s, she still said garments were sacred. But I’ve always wondered why underwear? With underwear you sweat in them, you dribble pee on them, and you leave brown flecks, even streaks. Then talking about them isn’t taboo. I’ve heard people who wear them joke about them. Also, I know evil people who wear them. I’ve been around them my entire life. Probably 95 percent of the people living in Utah know what they look like. Have we really crossed a line? If so, what’s it equal to? Maybe dissing the statuaries and relics of the Catholic church? Protestants have done that for at least 500 years. In Sunday School and seminary, I was taught the Catholic church was the church of the devil.

 

I agreed and wrote “Personally I don't think anyone attacked people for wearing garments on this thread, but as underwear in a state where most of us have had sex with someone wearing them or we were wearing them, it’s a fair topic to post... As for no harm being done I suspect the majority of the 67 percent who took away our rights to marry in this state wore them. All the men who have trashed Gays at conferences and elsewhere wore them...they wear them because they think it represents a magical power that gives them the right to feel entitled to dictate how other people live.... And they have been used for over a hundred years to shame those who don't wear them. They are no more special then the pope’s ruby red slippers....Saying shame is the same BS that people said about Club Jam and their Conference Weekend theme or Saturday's Voyeurs mocking Mormon culture... garments are part of Utah’s culture as much as green jello, fry sauce, and republicans none of which are very special.”

 

Doug W added “Using Protestant ridicule of Catholic statuary as our example, I would say it is disrespectful for people to enter a Catholic church, pull all the statuary out, and burn it in the street. The same goes for burning a pair of garments in public. Saying it’s ridiculous to worship idols or believe a piece of cloth can protect you from physical harm or looking at pictures of the hated objects is different. Then if you can say you like pulling off a man’s garments, that’s not hate or ridicule. That’s . . . Go ahead and fill in the blank.

 

I responded “I pulled many a garment off of Utah boys and then didn't seem to mind”

 

Brandon B wrote “I guess Michael has left the group over this. But I can't figure out what "harm" he figures is being done to LDS people by our critique of temple garments. After all, they are the ones who (sometimes literally) have thrown those garments in our face. I think we should at least be allowed to describe why we were alarmed when they did that! The first close friend I lost to AIDS was Tony Masock. His partner Kimm Mikkelsen stayed by his side till the very end. At the last minute before Tony died, Tony's parents sent the LDS priesthood in and they did what I can only describe as a deathbed confession. I did not even know these existed in the Mormon church. But they basically asked him to repent for being a homosexual -- and at that point Tony was so far gone that he actually did -- and then they gave him the olive-oil blessing. Soon after that, Tony died in Kimm's arms, even after he had been coerced into renouncing his gay identity and basically rendering Kimm a spiritual stranger. I was sad and disappointed by this, and I feel the LDS response to the epidemic was sad and demeaning. I don't hate Mormons -- many of them are good people -- but I'm angry at the church hierarchy.

 

Bill Poore chimed in “I don't hate Mormons either, I would rather deal with them any day that the born again bible thumping Christians. I have a lot of dear friends that are LDS”

 

Doug M  wrote “Have your fun with garments all you want. But Ben, when you lump our sacred Utah fry sauce into this equation, you've crossed the line for me”.     Bill Poore: “I don't think I read that part, he didn't mention Funeral Potatoes did he, now those are sacred!?” 

 

Doug M “Well, Bill........The recipe for Funeral Potatoes is sacred, not secret.”        Bill P: “ I have this 90 year old ex bishop friend who I have told him that he has to tell me when a member of his ward dies so I can come to the dinner after the funeral to have funeral potatoes. We have a lot of laughs over it. They had a 90th birthday for him at his ward, He invited me by telling me his daughter had made funeral potatoes for it even though he had not died, just for me. I call them Dead Mormon People Potatoes., his ward friends loved it.”

 

Doug M: “I do have to admit I was always entertained by my tricks who tried to hide the fact that they were wearing garments. I'll admit that there's a definite and very impressive skill to taking off your button down dress shirt, over your head, without unbuttoning any buttons. While taking your garment/undershirt off simultaneously, to keep it a secret from the guy they're about to do the big nasty with. Watching them try to put the shirt back on afterwards was even funnier.”

 

Brandon Burt:’ “Bill, It wasn't until I was in college that I learned that those wonderful potatoes we used to eat at funerals were humorously known as "funeral potatoes." At the time, I hadn't eaten them since my Aunt LeOra's funeral. (She could practically have been known as Aunt OreIda, which I might actually do in my memoire, but anyway ...) When I met my husband Dave, I was already in my late 30s, and I'm lucky enough that his mom always makes funeral potatoes for major feasts: Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. I have a secret/sacred copy of the recipe from the 33rd Ward cookbook (a.k.a. "festive potatoes"). You'd be amazed at how easy it is to make. You just need a lot of butter and carbs (and a strong pioneer heart!).”          

 

Doug M: “Last time I had Funeral Potatoes was at an aunts funeral. The ward sisters had brought in the food. 2 different sisters had made Funeral Potatoes. However, Sister Peggine did not use corn flakes in her recipe. Sadly, her potatoes were largely ignored. They're not funeral potatoes without the damn corn flakes. I wonder if Sister Peggine is a member of our little Face Book page right here? If she is, here's the gosh darn recipe for her.

 

Bill Poore: “recipes vary from person to person. My family has them at every family gathering. I had one good member bring me a plastic bowl of them last Xmas to the pool at the VA Hospital...she was so sweet.”

 

I wrote I have a Taylorsville Ward Cook Book. We ought to have a ward dinner sometime [laughing out loud]”

 

Doug W: “From underwear to potatoes. Only in Utah. OK, maybe in Idaho, too.”    I added “Making funeral potatoes today...see what y'all have done?”

 

Doug W: Just make them in your underwear.

 

Charles Frost: Doug W call me either for a good therapist, sex therapist, underwear therapist of enlightenment therapist”

 

I added “How about funeral potatoes therapist?”

 

Bill Poore “I think there should be a 12 Step programs for funeral potatoes.”

 

Well I hope this little round of Gay banter has made you smile and BTW you Mom’s funeral potatoes were delicious and I told all that they were your mom’s recipe.

 

 Stay well, stay strong, stay hopeful, and stay good. I love you and I reckon I will until I die.  Take good care of yourself. You have a long life ahead of you with friends, lovers, adventures, and good times. Be thankful for the gift of life and serenely fold your hands and wait. Learn Listen and Love. It will soon come. Life is but a dream. Love Ben

 

11 November 2014 Tuesday Veteran’s Day

Yay I get to go home now from Parent teachers Conference and I am worn out like a pair of ten year old Birkenstocks. I met with 10 parents to day for a half an hour each so that was 5 hours right there. I got home  about 7:30 though.

 

12 November 2014 Wednesday

May be its the colder nights, but all three hound dogs insist in getting up in bed with me last night and then they are in such a deep sleep zone that I can't even turnover. I feel like I am in one of those infant waddling blankets with arms and legs tucked in tight....

 

But Yay I am home at 8 p.m. on a very cold 28 degree night from 12 hours at school... Just one more conference tomorrow ...

 

When I got home I found a letter in my mail from my Horizon credit union saying my debit card may have been compromise with the latest hacking at Home Depot so they canceled my card...so for about 2 weeks without a debit card... Ugh!!! I never carry cash anymore but thank goodness I have another Credit Union debit card as a backup...how quickly we forget how to use cash and checks [laughing out loud]

 

13 November 2014 Thursday

Yay all done with my last fall Parent Teachers Conference...I have another session in January and then that will be my last after 27 years.

 

 Brrr it’s a cold, cold day 28 degrees now but still no snow, yay for that...

 

I only had one conference today, just right after school so then I went down my credit union to see what I could do for Charline and Dennis Wachs. They need $2200 to fix their truck. It’s such an old clunker they could have bought a better used one for the money they spend fixing it up.  The folks said I would find out if I am approved tomorrow. My credit score is 750 but he said it would be 850 if it wasn’t dinged by my niece’s Denise’s late payment for a loan I co-signed for her 10 years ago. She only owes $800 on it so I should just go ahead a pay it all off.

 

At home fixed some corn bread and Texas chili. I also made a sugar free chocolate pie for supper.  I got a short letter from Kyle today. He didn’t mention anything I had written previously but it was dated the 9th.

 

14 November 2014 Friday

The end of a hellacious busy week at school, starting last Saturday when I went in to prepare for conferences this week... After the kids left Liz Beck, my principal, said I could leave early today but I just said that I needed to stay to prepare for next week... Lots of worksheets to make and figure out what I am doing.

 

My class had our end of the term silent auction in today and yesterday I bought about $20 worth of pop and candy for the kids to bid on to use up the classroom money in their bank accounts. They get paid for classroom jobs and good grades on test and fined for misbehavior...It my classroom management tool that I use to control behavior and teach them economics.

 

After  work I went to America First Credit Union and they approved the loan on my Cruiser, extending it out another 24 months although it would have been paid off in 18 months. The guy looking at what I have to pay said that I have about $1200 a month in bills, my mortgage, two car loans, and a visa card. That’s not terribly bad I think.

 

So I had to look up Charline’s address because I knew the one she sent me was off. She wrote “1169 with Lowman”…when it was 1169 W. Loemann… sheesh! Good thing I checked and didn’t just trust her. Makes me think what else is going on with her? Early dementia? Hope not.

 

Both Dennis and Charline collect social security but I think that is about all and they blew through all of Mom’s money. She has three grown kids but comes to me for help. Well thank god I am in a position to help although I know I am on my own and always have been.

 

Randy Gile wants Mike Romero and I to go to their place for Thanksgiving dinner so probably will.  I watched a little television but went to bed by 10 p.m.

 

15 November 2014 Saturday

It’s extremely cold here in Salt Lake City today. It’s 30 degrees with 40 percent humidity. I went and bought some more stamps today. I sent my last one off yesterday mailing Charline her check. I bought some Janis Joplin. How’s that for being a child of the 60’s?

 

            There would be frost on the pumpkins if I had any pumpkins this morning [laughing out loud]... Still no real snow.

 

Strange dream last night. I was at this big banquet table huge with lots of people sitting there, some I recognized like Curtis Jensen, Becky Moss, Connell O'Donovan, and Michael Aaron, but most I did not. We had to tell who we are and what we accomplished when this younger gal stood up and said kind of arrogantly to us I don't know anything you did.

 

I got up and proceeded on a tirade that everything you see today is because of people at this table and we did it while AIDs was killing our friends. I was told to sit down and be quiet so I left the table. Woke up after that because Lucky came and draped himself across my belly [laughing out loud]

 

After going to the store after buying stamps came home and worked on my Lambda Lore column that was due yesterday but just was took weary to do it after work. So I spent about 3 hours writing up one on KRCL and Stephen Holbrook. 

 

I guess I am taking Chuck to the airport on the 25th because he’s heading out to Palm Springs.

 

Suppose to get down to 16 tonight...bring all critters inside...mine are all snuggled with me. It's a 3 Dog Night....

 

It was a year ago today that I brought Lucky home from the pound. So November 15th is going to be his birthday for me. Such a loving sweet boy and a blessing to this family. Makes us complete.

16 November 2014 Sunday

Have no idea why I picked the coldest day of the year to do yard work...got all my leaves in the back yard blown into my compost and crawled beneath the hot tub deck to blow out the dirt and leaves that accumulated there by crawling on my hands and knees on the cold, cold cement...did get some laundry done and a nice clean bedroom with fresh sheets...only 28 today and 13 tonight....dogs are already jockeying for bed space...

 

17 November 2014 Monday

Nothing new at school. Just glad that the conferences are over. My 5th grade co-worker Jeny Petersen is in poor health and is taking tomorrow off to take a series of tests. She thinks she has cancer. Really sad.  Still extremely cold today. Kept a boy in today because he didn’t bring a coat. Sheesh I am a better parent… who would let their kid come to school without a coat in sub-freezing weather? Days are getting shorter and shorter. It seems that the sun is going down at 5:30 now.

 

18 November 2014 Tuesday

My Buddy alarm clock didn't go off...he almost always wakes me up before six o'clock barking for a morning treat...I was in a heavy sleep but then woke up and it was almost 7! And the dogs were all zoned out! Where do I wind up my watch dog? Hope his main spring isn't broken [laughing out loud]...

 

It was picture day at school and another record of my annual decay. I stayed late preparing for a sub tomorrow because Comcast emailed me and said they are coming out tomorrow so I had to take time off... when you live alone you do what you have to do.

 

Teaching- The only profession where you have to do more work to call in sick than if you just suffered through it

 

19 November 2014 Wednesday

Took the day off to have Infinity/Comcast come hook service. Used my time wisely this morning and cleared out all the leaves in the front yard, put my veggie garden to rest, and soaked in the hot tub...

 

Two more days and I am taking a week off... I have three months of sick days and a month of personal leave days so using what I can before June. 

 

The Comcast/infinity installation took two hours and dogs were not happy being behind bars for the duration and while my iPad works fine my laptop won't pick up the Internet...says there's no connection though I am typing this to prove that I do...

 

The technician said it may have something to do with Levon Mirakyan 's bootleg copy of window 7 [laughing out loud]... Well I guess it's time to upgrade.

 

 With all the bitching and moaning about President Obama have the Republican Controlled House ever came up with a plan on immigration? Have they EVER come up with a plan to with the health care system? NO because in their minds don’t fix what isn’t broken which actually means keep the money rolling in to Bankers, Wall Street and Billionaires and NEVER redistribute the wealth back to the people who created it…labor

 

20 November 2014 Thursday

Same old same old at school. My grandparent Johnsons were married on this date in 1921.

 

21 November 2014 Friday

I am Exhausted ... Stayed late at school to prepare lesson plans and run off worksheets so I can take off two days next week... I hope it's worth it.

 

Hot tubbing with Kevin Scott and Jose Castillo this evening... Now I am ready for bed.

 

Changing internet providers is a pain in the derrière ... Got to use old passwords to get into old accounts that I haven't a clue what they are anymore...Had to go back to a desk top in the front room because the laptop wouldn't pick up an Internet signal...spent the evening hooking up wires and cords but finally got internet working in the front room...

 

I use it for research for my writings. Had to dump all my pictures (1000s) of Gay people and events as well as over 10,000 pages of writing onto an external hard drive and to Google Drive to transfer ... Well I took a year to put this Day in Gay Utah history on the Internet so I know that is safe...Who has time for a boyfriend?

 

The House, including jackasses Stewart, Chaffetz, and Bishop, had no time to pass an immigration reform bill in the past 512 days because they were too busy trying to repeal Obamacare 54 times! They'd rather have 30 million people lose health insurance and 5 million hard working people face deportation than let a Black man make national policy even if he won two elections by the majority of Americans...

 

The co-Founder of Human Rights Coalition and his boyfriend were arrested in a sex scandal with a 15 year old boy. So what! I am not defined by the actions of others...how many heteroes are arrested daily for sex with minors?

 

I doubt the scandal breaking about Bill Cosby, a beloved black comedian, is giving the NAACP heartburn... People who paint everyone with the same brush because of the actions of one or a few are bigots...tell them that and fight back... Don't whine how someone's actions affect you... Tell people to go to hell and keep fighting for equality...

 

A state representative in Utah hot tubbed naked with a 15 year old girl and when he resigned the legislature gave him a standing ovation... Don't put all your trust in national leaders...fight locally ...one man can make a difference take Mark Lawrence for example ... Look what he accomplished without huge expensive self-congratulatory banquets and without the permission of people saying it's not the right time...it's never the right time...that is what courage is for ...

 

22 November 2014 Saturday

Not sick but not a well woman either...went to bed a little warm and achy...probably why I've been so tired...Buddy is letting me sleep in but he too is restless...gonna stay in bed and take it easy ... My eyeballs are sore. I feel much more rested just hanging out with Lucky, Buddy and Daisy.. I think my blood sugar really dropped from not eating since breakfast this morning ... Had a small bowl of corn flakes I shared with Lucky before snuggling...

 

Weird dreams lately that I was surveying people and if they didn't answer the first three questions a certain way...they were evil and then I'd send them a post letting them know they were evil. I hope no one got a post from me... Lol

 

A bleak November day as a cold front moves through scattering leaves from the Globe Willow all over my deck....It started raining over here about 1 this afternoon and has drizzled all afternoon.

 

Rain is pounding now on the roof... I bet it turns to snow when the temperature drops.... We have not had snow in the valley yet and it's late November. So glad to be home in my own bed ... I Stayed in bed with the hounds snuggled in watching movies all day...but this evening I went with Charles Lynn Frost to see Three Penny Opera at the Babcock Theater up at the U...there was a game this afternoon which I am sure was miserable but parking was okay for us... I like the Three Penny Opera but I was worn out after it was over. It was  2 1/2 hours long.

 

JFK killed 51 years ago now. He was a hated President by the radical conservatives... The Secret Service protecting Obama is so inept a man with a knife was able to get all the way into the White House ...Fox News is complicit in the poison atmosphere of politics today.

 

23 November 2014 Sunday

First snow of the year ... Good reason to stay in bed. Just what I didn't want...it’s snowing before I had a chance to clean my veranda off...makes it that much harder to clear the snow. Still feeling pretty blah... No pep... But snow melted and I was able to blow the leaves off the deck later in the day.

 

Made a pot of onion soup but then got distracted on the computer and let it boil down to just a concentrate [laughing out loud]... Just added more water to reconstitute it.

 

Bill Poore came over with a breakfast burrito yay... And we visited some...just kind of a cold day all though the sky was really blue...glad I have a sub tomorrow and Tuesday to just stay in bed. My Puppy name is “Professor Puffy Liver Lips”

 

Bill Poore later commented “We don't really visit, we just gossip, as we are meant to do. Thanks for the onion soup and salsa.” I replied that for we Gay men gossiping is visiting.” Chuck Whyte piped up and said, “Now if there was such a thing as Sugar Free cheese cake we would be the “Golden Girly Boys”.

 

            Roland Allen Holmgren  commenting on getting the veranda cleared wrote, “Well, you blew the leaves off the deck so you did come up with some energy! Monday and Tuesday seems to warrant take it easy days. Snuggle with the pups. It is a well-known fact that there is great healing power derived by puppy snuggling.”

 

            A quiz I took on Face book said “You're the caregiver! Jung identified this archetype in many goddesses and female role models throughout history. You're the mother figure: the selfless caregiver and helper. Everyone comes to you for advice. You truly love others as yourself and your greatest fear is selfishness and ingratitude. You manifest compassion and generosity. A Jungian psychologist would tell you to be careful not to be taken advantage of and never let yourself play the martyr.”

 

24 November 2014 Monday

Is it me or did Fall suddenly leave and winter has descended and grabbed us with its chilly hands, blowing cold air in our faces? Or should I just turn up the heat?

 

I’ve had such a rash on my leg and back all weekend so I thought I better go in to Instant Care and see what that’s all about. My rash on my leg and back keeps me up at night.

 

The Doctor checked for strep although I don't have a sore throat or anything but one of my students Friday checked out early with strep .The test only took  5 minutes and  I have strep. The occupational hazard of teaching I suppose. I didn’t  think of strep for why I was feeling so run down because I had no sore throat but my itchy skin was a symptom and that is why I went to instant care. I am quarantined for 24 hours. Good news No Ebola.

 

Levon Mirakyan, My Armenian Ward, has moved back to Utah from Texas. He said they were freaky crazy there [laughing out loud]. I’m glad he's home. It gave him some perspective that while Mormons might be crazy they are not bat shit crazy like Southern Baptists are. Mormons are basically good family loving people who go a little off the deep end trying to compromise Joseph Smiths fantasies with reality... It ain't easy.

 

This is 2014 and students still cannot wear beards at BYU unless they carry an ID card showing an exemption... In Idaho they have to wear it around their neck.

 

Nearly 42 years ago I boarded a greyhound bus, left my family behind, and took a Circuitous 16 hour trip to Provo clutching only my admission slip to BYU, a suit case, and a pillow. I arrived early in the morning in pitch black darkness, stored my things in a locker and began my trek to campus. I had no idea where it was.

 

It was January and snow on the ground and I mostly had on California clothes. As people came out of their homes to pick up newspapers I would ask “is this the way to BYU?” They would nod and point north trudging along to keep warm I finally saw the escarpment and began the climb up the side of the hill and found the Wilkinson center where late registration was taking place.

 

Then the sun came up and I saw for the first time Y Mount and I gasped at the majesty of it. I had no idea… No idea… I said a grateful prayer…grateful to be among the Saints after the ridicule and rejection I had from family and friends for joining up with the Mormons…

 

I had such a glow in my heart ...then as I was standing in line ...two young men in suits came over and looked me up and down…I was puzzled. Then one spoke to me sharply…”you are border line”…. The other confirmed …”border line”… I was stunned what did they mean? Then seeing the panic on my face they said “Your hair is touching your ears… Go get a haircut”…that was my introduction to standards…I quickly complied…I did not want to offend…but years later this episode became symptomatic to me showing that no one cared about what was in my heart or what I went through to come to Zion. It only matter what my facade was… Later I learned I could do anything I wanted as long as the facade was in place….

 

A Grand Jury did not find the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown responsible for his death. Until blacks enslave whites for 300 years followed by dehumanizing laws followed by 70 years of lynching and having the highest rate on incarceration in prisons, I think they should shut the fuck up over the fury and anger of the serial killing of black teenagers by white police officers in this country

 

The face book responses to posting that I went to the health clinic was as follows

 

Bill Poore: Ben get into bed with a cup of tea and watch movies with your dogs.

 

Barbara Danforth Nadsady: Let's turn this around ... you have health care ... you left the clinic without having to be sent to the hospital ... you own a car and have a valid license ... you can afford medicine ... you were able to walk through the store and stand on your own while waiting ... you have vision whether your windshield is clean or dirty. NOW. Have some lunch ... get some rest. Tomorrow there will be a whole new batch of a--holes to annoy you, and if you still feel the same way you do today, take one of them out ... NO MERCY!!!!” I replied, “I love Danforth Spunk and telling it like it is!!!”

 

Brandon Burt wrote, “I’ve heard of road rage, but not Windex rage! [lots of laughter]”

 

“I SAID I WAS CRANKY !!!!!”

 

Brandon Burt said, “Oh, sing it sister! I've had days like that. The cherry on the cake of my day is always when there's a football game so it attracts all kinds of people from the 'burbs and they can't ever figure out how to drive on a roundabout ... they either cut people off, or they stop at every intersection. They're dangerous!!!”

 

Bill Poore pipes up “How do we tell the difference with the real Ben and the cranky Ben?” and I wrote “YOU WANT TO SEE CRANKY?”. Bill continued, “You are from Texas aren't you Ben? You must be happy to have someone to mother smother again.” I answered “We're not Southern Baptists... We were LBJ Texans and FDR Texans ... My great grandparents McLeod’s were granger socialists I have you know.” Bill Poore countered “But then you joined the Mormon Church.....get real.”

 

I said, “I was a Hugh B Brown Mormon!” and Bill said, “This reads very much like John Steinbeck. I said, “I was drinking vodka and grape fruit juice....the booze brought out the Steinbeck in me.”

 

Facebook sent me my Year 2014 in review. I shared 238 photos and streamed 715.  I received 1578 likes on my comments from the following.  Roland Allen Holmgren liked 439 Times, Bill Poore liked 218 Times, Al Miller 172 Times, Craig Hunter 148 Times, Stephanie Williams, 131 Times, Michael Aaron West 111 Times,  Michael Pierce 105 Times, Kyle G. Daniels 95 Times,  Greg Allen 88 Times and James Connelley 80 Times.

 

I find it strange that Ron Holmstrom liked my comments the most and I have never met him and wouldn't recognize him if I saw him in the street... Lol.  Bill Poore wrote, “ hey I know I commented on you more than Roland....this is a mistake. Oh I see this also includes Great Basin Bad Boys.”

 

I replied snarkily, “Bill it must because of all the times you de friended me in your ambient induced dream world.”

 

Bill Poore responded, “What? you are such a sick queen. I forgive you because you are cranky today.”

 

Roland Allen Holmgren wrote, “As I have written before, you are one of the people I follow faithfully. You keep me sane in an insane world. While you wouldn't recognize me in the street, I would recognize you and introduce myself. So while you don't know me in person, I place a high value on our strange friendship, value your support, value your kick in the pants when I need it. But most important I respect you because you are a kind, thoughtful person. Plus, you live a fascinating, eventful life with good friends (I even include Bill despite being mean to you sometimes).

 

I told Ron “I was pen pals with this kid named Tony Jones in Arkansas long before Face Book appeared on the scene. It was a Yahoo group site kind of like My space...I never met him but enjoyed our correspondence for years... Writing is a form of intimacy that sometimes transcends reality.”

 

25 November 2014 Tuesday

Another lazy day getting over the strep but am feeling much better with the antibiotic I got from the doctor’s yesterday.

 

Spent much of the day ranting on Face book about the troubles in Ferguson,      Missouri. It’s indicative of the frustration the way the country is moving under corporate-fascism.

 

I got out of the house only to take Chuck Whyte to the airport. He’s heading to Palm Springs to spend Thanksgiving with his brother’s family.

 

Then I went to Whole Food and bought some more of that Almond Shampoo that I like so much that is only in health food places.

 

 Charles Frost was home so I stopped in and we visited for about an hour and half. He’s still looking for work and the only news he had was that Steven Ha told him that he’s resigning to go back to Asian Community but hasn’t set a date or time. Good riddance.

 

John Netto wants to run for President of the Board again too but who cares? I am sure that they are hurting. No one showed up for last Saturday’s Bazaar except a few trans.

 

After that I came home and rested. In the game “two truths and a lie” I always say I am a direct descendant from the Irish King who brought St. Patrick to Ireland, I am an alumnus of BYU and member of the young Democrats there, and my real name is Ben Williams. They always guess that I didn't go to BYU but that is a truth.

 

I graduated from BYU 40 years ago this April 2015... I knew Elbert Eugene Peck when he was a tadpole freshman and Lynette Malmstrom and I were in the same branch. She married LaDonna Moore once the Utah AIDS Foundation director after Ben Barr.

 

 I wonder if I will need one of those beard permission cards to visit the campus next year to see how the little university of horrors has held up?

 

The 12-member grand jury in the Darren Wilson case began hearing evidence Aug. 20. The jury had nine white and three black members. Ferguson is a majority-minority community and the racial make-up of the grand jury, as well as the fact that Mr. McCulloch is white, has drawn criticism.

 

Nine of the 12 members are needed for a vote to indict. The jury consisted of 6 white men, 3 white women, 2 black women and 1 black man. While the jury was reflective of the county’s racial make-up, which is 70 percent white, it was not of Ferguson’s, which is about two-thirds black.

 

All it took was nine votes not to go to trial ... if you cannot see how the people of Ferguson believe the deck was rigged you are probably white and privileged. Income inequality and racial injustice cannot be solved with a baton or tear canister... Until the police and the people address the real causes...

 

With the Republican transfer of wealth to the richest segments of the population and grinding the faces of the poor, there’s going to be more civil unrest, more Fergusons, and people will clamor for martial law...

 

I hate to see the death of the American Experience in my life time but the Supreme Court has aided and abetted those who want to establish a ruling plutocracy...

 

A white man with a gun is patriotic a black man with a gun is to be shot. A retired Philadelphia Police Captain gets it why doesn't main street Americans? As he says the police are becoming mercenaries for the 1 percent. Why do you think all the surplus war equipment is being given to police departments across the nation? Who are they going to use it against? Muslim Terrorists? Look in the mirror...

 

Sworn to serve and protect but to whom? I am old enough to remember the police riots of Chicago in 1968, the Southern police force hosing down people and setting dogs upon them for peacefully protesting.

 

In 2012 a black man was killed by police every 28 hours 136 of them unarmed. We are not immune to this in Utah... I am grateful for the police don’t get me wrong but they are not above the law and they should have constant watch guarding by a citizen panel.

 

I am grieved by the looting and destruction of property in Ferguson and I understand the frustration of people who ask how does this help... I can only answer.. It makes the world pay attention... because property is more sacred then human life in this country...

 

Does anyone even care that a mixed race youth in Saratoga Springs was shot in the back several times by the police, cleared by their own internal investigation while witnesses disagree with their version, the autopsy disagrees with their version of events, and all video of the event is in police custody are not released.

 

Perhaps if someone made a fuss against property there... the fed authorities would get involved... Remember it was a riot on Christopher Street that started the Gay Liberation movement not the peaceful demonstrations in Philadelphia...

 

When Dan White only got manslaughter charge the rage in San Francisco was unstoppable and property and police cars destroyed...

 

As I recall it was the Tories who said I don't understand why they had to destroy the tea cargo by throwing it into Boston Harbor...

 

The Civil War which was ignited over social and political injustice perpetrated by the ruling class of the South dominating all three branches of government and trying to entrench slavery in all of America... that act raised the indignation of free men and they destroyed a hell of a lot of property including the loss of the value of freed slaves...

 

I hope Ferguson helps turn this country around... to understand that injustice to one is injustice to all and that racism is not dead.

 

I do feel horrible for those who are caught up in the middle of this social upheaval but they can rebuild their lives, even Darren Wilson just got married, but Michael Brown and Darrien Hunt they are both dead. People care about Michael Brown but not so much Darrien Hunt... Think about why and get angry and then get involved... How this grand jury decision must be painful for Darrien Hunt's family too.

 

A tale of two Mormons Clive Bundy incites guns to be pointed at federal officers and is still alive and member of the LDS Church in good standing.  Darrien Hunt a mixed race comic con fan carries a prop samurai sword is considered suspicious and is shot dead in the back. No longer an active member of the LDS Church.

 

26 November 2014 Wednesday

Well it was a beautiful day but by I didn’t do much but try to recover some of my 2012 Journal. All copies that I had seemed to have ended with November and nothing from December. So I went into my messenger conversations with Charles Frost from that time to recover some of it.

 

It was a good thing I did because later in the evening before going to bed I posted some more pictures on Great Basin Bad Boys of men freeballing in shorts where their junk was visible and one of them must have caught Face Book’s censors again and I got a notice I was blocked from Face Book for a week [laughing out loud]. I am such a bad boy.

 

Well no Thanksgiving Greetings from me this year but I spend way too much time on Face Book anyway especially with all the crap that is coming out of Ferguson, Missouri. I was able to post a lot about stupid shit that white people riot over and burn property especially after sport games that have nothing to do with Civil Rights.

 

 In the evening I thought Levon Mirakyan might be moving back in because he was fussing with crazy Dave Robinson but when I went to pick him up like always they both had calmed down so instead Levon and I went out to Chinese dinner.

 

He suggested Chef Gao a place that replaced Asian Isle on 1st South and 5th East. We ordered Orange Chicken and Shanghai Noodles and they were both delicious. The service was kind of poor but the food was great and what more can you want?  So that’s what is up with Armenian ward. He has grown a trimmed beard and looks really handsome and he’s growing up and becoming more mature and Americanized.

 

I wrote Richard Butler a long catching up letter after he of all people contacted me yesterday on Face Book and asked me how Mike and I were doing and to send him an email. So I sat down this morning after having breakfast of corn beef hash, eggs, and buttered biscuits and wrote him a long letter.

 

Hi Richard, It’s good to hear from you again. I still think of you as a dear friend even if we don't see each other as often.  Being a married man, raising kids, and working full time will do that to a man.

 

This is my last year teaching and will retire at the end of May. I've done it for 27 years and that is long enough since I will be 64 in April. Hopefully between Social Security and my state pension I should be okay. I am not putting anyone through college [lots of laughter].

 

Well let's see how long has it been? At least 5 years? I still tell Bessie Larson  stories to my friends and what old timey Mormons were once like ...so different from today’s bunch. 

 

My mom passed away in April 2011 and Michael's mom passed away in April 2013. His dad is still in Rawlins age 81 but his sister Michelle died this past October basically from alcoholism. She was only 54.

 

Of the pups, Saffy died in 2007, we put down Priscilla and Smokey both at the same time in Dec 2010. Pris had dementia and little strokes and Smokey had pancreatic cancer.  I have a wall in my hall lined with their little funeral boxes, Oscar, Saffy, Priscilla and Smokey.

 

After Saffy died I bought a little female Schnauzer from friends in Wyoming that  I named Daisy. She had a brother that no one wanted because he was male and black so I later bought him too. I named him Buddy. Daisy has grown into a big Amazon likes to stay outside even in the cold and marches around the back yard protecting me from birds and people who dare walk by the fence. Buddy is a little sissy dog that just wants to be by my side all the time.

 

After Priscilla and Smokey were gone, it was just the three of us until last year in November.  I really didn't think I wanted another dog but I saw that the pound had a little scruffy schnauzer that had been there for 2 weeks. I thought surely someone would snatch him up but when he was still there after the 3rd day of checking on him I went and rescued him.  I named him Lucky and he’s a salt and pepper schnauzer male like Oscar and if Oscar reincarnated it must have been into Lucky.

 

I thought Buddy was sweet but this dog sits in my lap, at my side, and kisses me all the time (not a schnauzer trait). Hess only 4 now and will outlive Buddy and Daisy well into my last years. He is the best thing I could have done for Buddy giving him a real play mate.

 

Mike and I hadn't been getting along for some time after Saffy died and in 2009 he found a place to buy on his own. I gave him $10,000 out of the house and he moved out. We had lived together since January 1994 so it took some getting used to living alone again.  But towards the end I felt like I was living alone anyway.

 

He still works for Nampa but is the parts guy for Quest Star gas' fleet and of course everyone thinks he the best thing since sliced bread.   

 

By the time Michael left I was the last man standing in the old neighborhood, Randy and Kimberlee Gile had moved and sold their house to these nice Mexicans who don't speak a word of English so I don't even know their names and we have been neighbors nearly 6 years now.

 

Norma Chaffin moved off to Saratoga Springs, and across the street in front of me several families have come and gone. The place is filled with Tongans now and is a mess. Gisella, who worked so hard in her yard would roll over in her grave if she saw the place now.

 

 In 2010 Michael adopted a real miniature brown schnauzer he named Coco. Since he has no fenced yard at his townhouse (you know how he hated yard work) and because he doesn't want her to be alone, he drops her off here every morning so she won't be lonesome. I take her over to Mikes at the end of the day when I get home from work to also give the pups a ride. So that’s our routine Monday through Friday. My pups babysit Coco and so she kind of has like two homes.

 

So I see Michael everyday through the week, and we visit a little, but our lives aren't all that entwined anymore.  If it wasn't for Coco I doubt whether we'd see each other at all except for emergencies.

 

Last year his place was broken into while he and Coco were gone on a weekend  trip and all his electronic toys and televisions were stolen. You know how he liked all the gizmos. But he had insurance, replaced what he really wanted, and put heavy screen doors on his front and back doors. 

 

This year he bought himself this big camper with an awning and pull out bed.  Its sitting at my place in that third driveway because he has nowhere to put it at his place.

 

 In 2010  I took in this young 30 year old I met through a friend who said he could do some work to the house. He lived in the old downstairs bedroom. He repainted my front room, kitchen, and hall and that deep stairwell from the front door to the front room.

 

He took out all those old ceiling fans and replaced everything with light fixtures. He tore out all the carpeting in the front room and hall and stairs. Boy was the carpet mat pee stained over 14 years [lots of laughter]. He laid laminate wood flooring in the front room, hall dining room and kitchen and the stairs. Actually he rebuilt the stairs and I stained some stairs steps and so the steps are wood now instead of carpet.

 

I came pretty attached to him with all this work and thought of him almost like a son. He even threw me a 60th birthday party for me and invited all my friends. It meant a lot to me turning 60 and all. Mike never celebrated my birthday once.

 

Kyle was good company, smart intelligent, good sparring partner about current events. He would bring young friends to the house and I just didn't feel so lonely. He even was with Mike and I on that sad day we put Priscilla and Smokey down. He was family to me.          

 

In the Spring of 2011 he said I needed to replace the back deck and it needed replacing badly. You know what a crap job they did on it originally.  So I figured out a budget and I said I always wanted an extended deck all along the back of the house and he said that he could do.

 

Then I said I wanted the sliding door taken out and the window in my bedroom removed and replaced with doors that would open onto the deck. That he said we'd have to contract out which I did.

 

Then I said it might be nice to have a hot tub on the deck but he said it wouldn't support the weight but Michael suggested a step down to a deck that would surround the hot tub on the ground. That my friend said he could do.

 

He brought some friends over and we moved the tool shed from against the house over to the back corner next to the Giles. That was a major feat! Then some guys came out and pour a concrete patio from one end of the house to the other and extended it out almost to the fence like an L shape.

 

Then down came the deck. The hounds had to go through the garage for about two weeks.  I pulled up all the paving stones on the south side of the house where I use to have a swing and hauled them to the north side were we re-laid them and created a fire pit.

 

My friend brought a carpentry buddy over and put up all the posts for the upper deck  and soon it all started coming together. I bought Trex planks instead of wood which was about twice the cost but would never need maintenance.  Soon the upper deck was laid and steps down to the lower level and steps from there north and south so Daisy could have her yard again.

 

The hot tub was delivered and Mike helped us get it into place and then Kyle built a frame around it and laid the planks.  We hired an electrician to wire for the hot tub. My back yard now is essentially split in half.

 

 We put in a railing to keep the dogs from falling off and around the hot tub deck he framed in posts so a roof could be put on.

 

It took from the first of May until June 25 to do all that work. I was exhausted but he was young and could climb and hammer like a monkey and I was so grateful for his work on my behalf.

 

Then came the betrayal.  When I went to California that summer to bury my mom’s ashes next to dads at Rose Hill Cemetery, Kyle used my credit card to open an account under his name.

 

I had taken out a loan and had paid off all my credit cards we had used to buy the $18,000 worth of materials to build this massive deck so later I was surprised when my bank called and asked if I had authorized a certain purchase. When I checked into everything I found that he had ran up nearly $15,000 on my cards to create a web site. I was devastated to the core because I trusted him and cared for him.

 

I had Randy, Kimberlee and Mike come over when I confronted him about what he had done.  It was not a happy time for me. Randy wanted to take him out and shoot him... he was so mad.

 

The thing is I knew when I took him in that he was on probation for earlier fraud... but also, this is really weird, I was teaching his nephew in 5th grade at the same time and his sister was my room mother.   I really thought we had a special connection of trust, loyalty, and friendship.

 

After I told his sister what he had done she then told me that he had a history of hurting people financially who trusted him. A mental illness.

 

He begged me not to send him to prison and after all that he had done for me that no one else had ever done, I couldn't do it. So I accepted the charges that he racked up with the promise he would repay them with the profits from the website he had created. (He was a very intelligent kid with so many skills and an air force veteran with so much wasted potential).

 

Any way  that lasted only a few months and long story short he eventually was arrested for violating his probation and was sent to prison in December 2011 for 5 to 15 years.  He is now down in Gunnison State prison.

 

After the financial blow, which was nothing like the blow to the heart, I went to therapy for the first time in my life to recover from severe depression. I felt all alone, old,  foolish, and useless.

 

But I refinanced the house with really good terms, paid off all the high interest credit cards, tightened my belt, and got involved in community projects again to make new friends which gratefully I have again.

 

I was even just recently given an outstanding community service award with a standing ovation... but I am very wary of ever renting out my room again. 

 

I put in three garden boxes in the front yard and grow squash, tomatoes, and cukes in the summer. I mostly give them away. If you got to water, it’s better to water something you can eat.

 

Yard is still covered in trees and I am now the longest resident in this whole section of West Pointe. This October it was 18 years and we could not have done it without your help and for that you will always be my friend.

 

As for the jailbird, I cannot harbor any real hate for him. He had a compulsion like gambling to be an entrepreneur. He left me with the home I wanted that I would have never contracted out, never would have done, and now I have a lovely deck to sit out on, a door in my bedroom to walk out off, a hot tub to soak in and invite friends over to use, a painted house, new floors, and I have some close friends I met through him and the tribulation he caused.

 

My friends don't get me that I write him in prison and occasionally go see him. He has four siblings none who will have anything to do with him. His mom and dad died when he was 20 and 22. The prison admittance told me I am the only one who ever visits him.  He in therapy in prison, on medication, and working on finishing his college degree.

 

He owes a lot of restitution and his life is pretty well shot from all the poor decisions he made in his 20's  and the earliest he will be up for parole in 2016 when he’s 37...but I still think of him as family so I guess I am screwed up too. I just don't want him to feel abandoned in this world, unloved and unwanted. That would be the cruelest prison sentence of all. And he is being punished by years being taken away from him that he can never have back.   

 

So here I am some four years later... still have a house ($780 a month) a huge yard, two vehicles (still refinanced... earlier this month my basically destitute sister need $2200 to fix their truck), three happy loving dogs, I'm soon to retire, keeping busy writing and researching, and in pretty good health considering taking insulin for diabetes.

 

I am down to 235 lb. which is still a lot but I was over 270 not that long ago. Still losing weight. Well this is long winded enough...

 

Mike and I are going to The Giles for Thanksgiving. The girls are all grown now. Elyse is 25 and Kayla 18. They live out in Daybreak so don’t really see them much anymore except for holidays.

 

Come over some time for a visit or a soak in the hot tub and see how the place changed.  I am happy you are a family man and hope all is well with you and yours Take care old friend.

 

Richard wrote back-“Sorry about your Mom. Seems like lots of things have been going on some good some not so good. Glad you have settled into the single living lifestyle. I'm not too surprised by Mike. He was very distant and aloof the last few times that I had seen him.

 

Sounds like the remodel is amazing. The patio was a POS when they put it in. In fact I think we said it wouldn't last way back when. Your yard seems like a paradise. Amazing the transformation from dirt to "Garden of Eden" you had in mind. I must see it.

 

 I'll give you the Cliff Note version of our life. Austin went to college for a short period of time and dropped out. He currently works for Harmon's and lives with his boyfriend (Dustin) in So. Jordan at Dustin's Dad's basement apt.

 

Desi got married last December 1st to a great guy named Aaron. They live with his parents in West Jordan and both go to college. So we are empty nesters so to speak.

 

Brenda is doing fine and I also for the most part.

 

I did take a few months off from work last spring with a pinched nerve in my neck as well as several bulging discs in my back. So other than being a cripple, I'm fine [lots of laughter].

 

We are currently housing Brenda's oldest Daughter Cierra and her two kids while her husband is in prison over in Colorado. One more year and he gets out.

 

My friend Dave Chapman (40 years) passed away a few years ago of cancer. He fought a great battle but succumbed in December 2011.

 

 I sold the house in Magna and moved to West Valley off of 4100 So. across from Winder Dairy after marrying Brenda. Nice older home (30 years?)

 

I hope to retire from Kennecott in a few years. I've been with them now for almost 16 years If you can believe that.

 

Sorry about all the financial issues you've had. I know it changed your plans around. We need to get together and visit face to face. Let me know what works for you and I'll see what I can do. Take care my friend and I'll see you soon. Richard Butler”

 

27 November 2014 Thursday Thanksgiving

I don’t know why I think it matters and why I should expect anything less from Michael Romero but he didn’t come by to pick me up to go out to Daybreak for Thanksgiving with the Giles.  He was supposed to come by at 12:30 this afternoon and we were going to go out together. I cleaned up and got dressed and waited… but when he didn’t show up I thought I’d blow off the driveway of the leaves from earlier this weeks but I guess I was the one blown off.

 

At 12:45 I texted Mike if he still was coming but haven’t heard a thing from him. I am sure he has it all mixed up. He only hears what he wants. Yesterday I told him that Levon Mirakyan might be coming with us so maybe he heard it as if I was taking Levon myself but last night Levon said he was good for dinner at some Bishop’s house.

 

Randy texted me at 1:15  if I was still coming but told him that I had strep earlier this week and maybe it’s better that I stay home and rest. I didn’t want to tell him that I am feeling hurt by Michael’s thoughtlessness but what is new? I suppose. Old wounds. Some don’t heal.

 

Forty years ago I spent Thanksgiving alone also when I had come up over the Thanksgiving Break to retrieve stuff I had left at my old place in Provo because I thought I was coming back to school right away. Everyone had left for home and the few that stayed never thought to invite me for dinner so I drove into Salt Lake and went to the movies. I saw Earthquake.

 

Well I am not much in the mood to be cheerful anyway. Nothing feels quite so good as self-pity.

 

Well I picked myself off and dusted myself off changed my clothes and went out and worked in the front yard for two hours. It was an overcast day and kind of damp but the temp was around 50. I mainly worked in the southeast part of the yard raking leaves, pruning, and pulling some grass. I filled the garden waste can and one of the big trash cans.  Actually felt good to get down in the dirt and make everything look nice before the snow comes that eventually will cover everything in a blanket of white.

 

I turned on the front steps Christmas Lights this evening since Thanksgiving is officially over, well technically I never got one. Then I get these Text messages from Mattia Lumaca who I haven’t seen nor heard from since last August when they wanted to sleep down stairs while their house was being painted, then he got to what he really was after.

 

He asked if I still had the truck. That fucker. Do I have loser written all over my face?  Just yesterday Levon was asking about Ben and Mattia and he was saying that there were users and here today Mattia goes and proves. I am so over them.

 

And today is the not the day to try to use me, not after Michael blew me off.  So I just told Mattia that I sold it to pay off debts. Big lie but who knows I may have to anyway once I am on a fix income.

 

I forgot last year this time my nephew James borrowed $900 from me to keep his vehicle and this year Charline and Dennis borrowed $2200. I will never see a penny back so there went any of the inheritance money Mom left me from her insurance.

 

So I guess I will cook chicken giblets and gizzards for the pups supper tonight. I see I have a yam. I’ll eat that and call it Thanksgiving. I hate the holidays.

 

28 November 2014 Friday

I checked the weather report and it said it would be in the mid 60’s in Gunnison so I decided to go see the boy although I was having mixed feelings because I hadn’t heard from him for over two weeks and having reread my 2012 journal and going over again all his escapades, it made me wonder if he’s just playing me.

 

And then I realized I am not going just for me but also to see him so that he knows someone loves him regardless what his past is. I don’t think Kyle Foote is the same man who went into prison some three years ago this coming week.

 

The roads were clear and with a twenty cent discount I filled the truck up at $2.73 a gallon and about $25. It’s the cheapest I had ever put in to go see Kyle. It’s a little over 260 miles round trip.

 

The roads were good, not a lot of holiday traffic and I was at the prison by 12:30 and I was surprised to see Kyle waiting for me in the visiting room! He said now that he’s in Birch Section he’s right next door so I didn’t have to spend anytime waiting on him.

 

First thing I noticed was how long his hair had gotten and side burns. He said he put in for a haircut but they just call you down rather then set up an appointed. He looked healthy and genuinely happy to see me.

 

I gave him a very long tight hug and wished I could have held him the entire visit but that is crazy.

 

 I asked first whether he was getting his magazines and he said yes all but the Q so I will have to talk to Michael Aaron about that.  Then I asked if the money from Manila jail ever got straighten out and he said the money I sent him was finally allotted for all but the money he had in his accounts at Gunnison before they transferred him is still in route from Draper. So he hasn’t gotten that taken care yet. But he got his television and the money I sent this month.

 

He’s happy in Birch, that section of the prison, and he has a cell mate from Texas that he may be losing. He’s busy with work, kind of a customer service guy for the education classes and he’s working from 7 to 7 so he said he’s exhausted by the time he showers and goes to bed.

 

We talked some about his past and what got him here and that he will not even be up for parole until December 2016 so two more years. He might not even get that because he’s sentenced to 5 years for the fraud but 1-15 years for a $6,000 check he wrote.

 

He said he is lonely for a relationship and companionship. but most guys once they know he’s Gay just want to use him for sex and he doesn’t want that. I told him that being used would get old real fast. There is this one guy he said he is attracted to and would consider having a relationship with, but what he’s in prison for is so horrible, Kyle can’t imagine them becoming lovers. 

 

Kyle said that he gets propositioned a lot once guys know he’s Gay but he tells them if they aren’t willing to suck his cock then why should he theirs? Sounds like Kyle is finally missing human contact. He said that is why he doesn’t touch anyone in prison all though he was quite the hugger on the outside. He said he has to put of barriers.

 

In part of our conversation about Charles Frost finding work, I mentioned that now Doug Lott and he are legally married Charles can use Doug’s insurance then out of the blue Kyle said he especially needs it being HIV positive! I said what? And he said didn’t you know Charles and Doug are HIV positive? I said how do you know that and he said that Greg Hardin told him because Greg and Charles use to play together back in the 1990’s.  I was really surprised. I didn’t think Charles would keep that a secret from me.  So I wonder if that’s true.

 

We talked about his mental health and I told him with all the different Kyle’s there were on his face book whether he had disassociate personality issues.  He said he also wonder at times whether he was a sociopath but he said that he felt like he did have empathy and that he was just incredibly self-serving.

 

Well we talked about a lot of things and he said he sent two letters but I said I only got one from the 9th but when I got home today there was a letter in the mail box from the 23rd.   But still sounds like one is still out there somewhere.

 

All too quickly the 2 hours went by and I held him as long as I could and whispered in his ear I love you and he said He loved me too. What a strange tale.

 

Traffic was great coming home although south bound I guess a tanker truck exploded by the Route 6 exit causing major back up. I was home by 5 in the evening and stopped at Ranchitos for a chili relleno burrito since I hadn’t eaten since this morning, which I shared mostly with the hound dogs.

 

Then I called Bill Poore who had a nice dinner with his brother’s family for Thanksgiving. He asked me to a faculty dinner party sometime around the 9th of December for Christmas.

 

I am banned from Face Book for a week and I am having some withdraws but am getting a lot more done for sure.  I watched Planes, Trains, and Automobile tonight on Netflix before going to bed. It’s a good Thanksgiving movie and I should watch it more often.

 

Today Michael Ferguson had a surprise party given to him by Seth Anderson but I was too tired to attend and besides it would mostly be their friends their own age.

 

29 November 2014 Saturday

Windy Windy morning. The wind blew all night and again I didn’t get much sleep from heart burn although I didn’t eat much. Had a bowl of tomato soup and crackers before going to bed and that probably did it. Tomatoes can be acidity.

 

I got on the computer today and didn’t get off most of the day. I was able to get the laptop hooked up to Wi-Fi and also the printer so I feel like that was a major accomplishment for sure for someone as little techno savvy as I am.

 

I went through a lot of my old Journals to delete the half completed ones and save the ones that are finished. I want to use my lap top eventually for nothing but keeping my writing on. 

 

Yesterday Charles Frost suggested we get together today but instead we talked on the phone for two hours. We discussed all the excitement on Face Book’s Great Basin Bad Boy from me being kicked off again for a week. I am pretty certain that I am being monitored and that there are some photos that act as a red flag  to the censors.  The ones I posted are so benign compared to what I have seen others post. Oh well. We also talked about Kyle Foote and how I think he is lonesome for companionship. Nothing going on in the community to speak of.

 

Bill Poore came over about 3 this afternoon to return the TV I loaned him a while ago. He went and bought himself a smart TV that is like a computer and picks up WIFI and Netflix etc. We went out for a late lunch about 3:30 to this Mexican place on 9th West and 7th South called El Maguey. Bill wanted to treat me. It was tasty and reasonable priced. We both had green chili smothered burritos but they were the Mexican kind of green sauce rather than what I would consider Green Chili.

 

We visited about our Thanksgivings, Charles Frost, and of course Kyle. We then went over to the Deseret Industries at Welfare Square because he had never been there before and I bought an iron wrought patio table for $4.  It was nearly 5 when we got back to the house and he took off with some of the pictures he had left here in my storage.

 

The rest of the evening was pretty quiet. I never got around to buying a new filter for the hot tub, nor blow off the leaves again on the back deck. Oh well I did fold some clothes and put them away.

 

Going over some of my past journal, I realized that Michael Romero was a real jerk to me and why I put up with it as long as I did was crazy, but for the dogs I should have kicked him out but I just can’t do that anymore than I could turn down my sister’s request for $2200 to get their truck fixed.

 

Bill poopahed me giving it to her because of my parents but even if they are dead and do not know what is happening anymore I had to do it to honor my parents. Charline was their first child and pride and joy.

30 November 2014 Sunday

I woke up after 8 this morning and I slept pretty good I must say. Since I didn’t go shopping yesterday I went out early and bought groceries for me and the hounds. I bought stuff to make a quiche and some split pea soup and a lot of meat that was on sale that then I threw into the deep freeze.

 

 It rained this morning kind of a drizzle but cleared before I got back home with the groceries. I spent most of the day on my diaries that I want to put on my lap top but did get the laundry down and I was able to get the leaves blown off the deck before we get snow. It’s coming.

 

I also wrote Kyle a letter which took a while. So that was pretty much my last day of November.

 

Without Face book I feel kind of disconnected but I also feel freed up to get other things done. I didn’t see anyone today or talk to anyone. Kind of isolating I suppose.

 

My letters to Kyle I suppose is my real communication. I wish I could write him truly how I feel about him but it wouldn’t do any good and wouldn’t change how he feels about me. I will go in early tomorrow because I have nothing plan and it will be December already!

 

Dear Kyle,     I hope this letter finds you well and productive but not worn out. I was so happy to see you Friday. You will never know how glad it makes my heart to see you and hug you and listen to your voice. I sensed you were a little melancholy and I suppose that cannot be helped. I get melancholy too and I am not locked up.

 

I had a safe trip home and it was a beautiful day. They said the warmth broke records but today it’s been damp and cold. Even rained a little this morning. Definitely soup weather again so I am making some split pea soup.

 

 I go back to school tomorrow after such a nice break from the kids although I was sick the first few days of it and Thursday was disappointing when Michael Romero didn’t come by to pick me up to go to the Giles for Thanksgiving. Just made me realize how little I mean to him. I cried a little, probably more from nostalgia than from real hurt. Just another dull blow upon a bruised heart. I can take it. Always have.

 

So picked myself up had a nice time with the pups and looked forward to my seeing you again. I guess I was more upset because I had passed up all these offers for dinner because Mike and I were going to spend the day with the Giles.  Oh well I guess it was not meant to be.      

 

I finally was able to figure out the Wi-Fi for the printer so if you get this letter it worked. I also was able to get Wi-Fi on the laptop but I am still going to keep my desk top out here in the front room on a little desk I’ve set up. It has all my old music on the hard drive and it’s nice to be listening to it on my Winamp. I have 100 songs playing now from the decade of the 1980’s. Your childhood but my 30’s and a good time in my life even though a hard time also.

 

I was your age when I came out as a Gay man and left a marriage and hetero life that was a prison for my soul. We all have different types of prisons I suppose.

 

I went on line to try and find an address for your sister Kelsi. It wasn’t easy but you know me…I am a genealogist historian…You said the address you had for her was in Pittsburgh and the most recent I can find after Pittsburgh is for her is in the town of Irwin, Pennsylvania that is a suburb of Pittsburgh. Do you have this address? 187 Anderson Road, Irwin, PA 15642?

 

What I could find out is that she is living here with two guys Peter Natishan a musician and Brandon Marshall, who is about 20 years old. Does any of this ring a bell?  She used to be Kelsi Foote Simons I think. She may still work at General Growth Properties Inc.

 

One report says her relatives are Tom Simons, Diane Simons, Blane Simons, Peter Natishan, Kristopher Foote, and you.  I hope this helps you with your Christmas Card list.

 

When I got home Friday there was a letter in my mailbox waiting for me from you written on the 23rd.  It was posted from Provo on the 25th and I got it on the 27th.  So it took four days to get your letter. Well I guess that beats the Pony Express that took 10 days to get from St. Joseph MO to San Francisco [lots of laughter]. It mentions a letter that you sent sometime after the short letter I got from you on the 13th.

 

The last letter I wrote you was in response to that short letter about you losing a day [lots of laughter]. Oh well I guess it will show up if not we will get caught up.            I hope you have reduced some of your work hours so you don’t feel so exhausted that it hard to decompress at the end of the day. I am glad the TV is working out for you and that you can watch some of the holiday shows and especially Sixty Minutes.

 

There’s not a lot of shows I catch, but I like Modern Family, Bob’s Burgers, and The Simpsons, but really I don’t care for any of the new shows this year.      

 

As soon as I get a statement from Verizon with my phone number on it I will send it off to you so you can get it authorized to call me.

 

I will talk to Michael Aaron and see what is holding up the Q. Probably just some over sight.

 

The 15th was the first anniversary of me getting my pup Lucky from the pound. He is such a good dog.

 

I think I told you I had to switch internet providers because Clear is going out of business and now I have Comcast/ Infinity what a pain in the derrière ... I had to find old passwords to get into old accounts that I haven't a clue what they are anymore...I even had to go back to a desk top in the front room because the laptop wouldn't pick up an Internet signal... I spent an entire evening hooking up wires and cords but finally got internet working in the front room...

 

I will use it for research for my writings. But had to dump all my pictures (1000s) of Gay people and events as well as over 10,000 pages of writing onto an external hard drive and to Google Drive to transfer ...

 

I love how the Republicans are going ape shit over President Obama using his authority to help with the immigration problems. The House including jackasses Stewart, Chaffetz, and Bishop had no time to pass an immigration reform bill during in the past 530 days because they were too busy trying to repeal Obamacare 54 times! They'd rather have 30 million people lose health insurance and 5 million hard working people face deportation than let a Black man make national policy even if he won two elections by the majority of Americans...

 

The latest scandal is that the co-Founder of Human Rights Coalition and his boyfriend were arrested in a sex scandal with a 15 year old boy. Everyone is so upset that it will reflect on the Gay movement. I say so what ... I am not defined by the actions of others...how many heteroes are arrested daily for sex with minors? I doubt the scandal breaking about a Bill Cosby is giving the NAACP heartburn... People who paint everyone with the same brush because of the actions of one or a few are bigots... I say fight back... Don't whine how someone's actions affect you... I tell people to go to hell and keep fighting for equality...

 

Even in Utah a state representative hot tubbed naked with a 15 year old girl and when he resigned the legislature gave him a standing ovation... I don't put my trust in national Gay leaders...the fight is locally ...one man can make a difference… take Mark Lawrence for example ... Look what he accomplished without huge expensive self-congratulatory banquets and without the permission of people saying it's not the right time...it's never the right time...that is what courage is for ...

 

I went with Charles Lynn Frost to see the Three Penny Opera at the Babcock Theater up at the U about a week ago, Bill Poore had given me tickets. I like the Three Penny Opera’s music but I was worn out after it was over. It was 2 1/2 hours long and I had strep but didn’t know it.

 

Last Monday when I went to the Instant Care I learned that there's a reason I don't own a gun. It’s because when I'm sick, I get cranky, and when I get cranky people annoy the crap out of me.

 

I lucked out when I went to instant care. I was the only one in the office and got in to see the doctor immediately. When I was done the waiting room had eight people there so I was feeling pretty cocky. It soon went downhill from there.

 

I’ve come to realize that most Utah drivers are law breakers. It’s against Utah law to drive in the left lane and impede traffic. By state law you must move over. However on the Freeway coming home from Bountiful some jackass was in the left lane doing 65 with no one in front of him and six cars behind him/her; and next to him/her was a police car blocking anyone trying to get around and the far right land was being blocked by all the cars pulling over to get ahead. Have you EVER seen HWY patrol ticket a driver for impeding traffic? Never.

 

Then at Smiths, I go to the pharmacy to get my prescription and the woman in front of me is having all these forms printed off and having to sign each and every one which made me wait 5 min longer than the 10 seconds it usually does. Next I go to the pickup line. Just one person ahead of me. A man who decided that he wanted to pay for his 12 bottles of Gatorade and two cases of pops there as well as his prescription...  by that time I was ready to kick someone’s ass (low blood sugar ...didn't eat breakfast) so then I do a bit of shopping and go through the checkout like a normal person ...no one ahead of me but two women neither with much but one of them decides to cash a check for over $300 so the manager has to come over and then I wait for the next lady who wants to write a check! Then fiddles to find her ID like the bitch didn't know she needs it?!

 

Finally I go to my car and I see a sister missionary cleaning her car window with Windex and she is on the passenger side blocking me from getting into my car so I unload my groceries and a guy pulls up next to her and asks he can borrow the Windex making me have to walk clear around his car to return my basket...

 

Finally as I was able to get into my car the Sister Missionary smiles and says do you want me to do your widow? I smile and say, "you're a kind soul but no thanks" and I drove off not wishing to see another person for 24 hours. Some people are alive today because I don't have a concealed weapon permit.

 

Levon Mirakyan, my Armenian Ward, has moved back to Utah from Texas... he said they were freaky crazy there [laughing out loud]... I am glad he's home .... It gave him some perspective that while Mormons might be crazy they are not bat shit crazy like Southern Baptists...Mormons are basically good family loving people who get a little off the deep end trying to compromise Joseph Smiths fantasies with reality... It ain't easy.

 

15 REASONS-You may be a Mormon if ...1. Your daughter says a man raped her and you ask if he's been on a mission. 2. You call Protestants and Catholic Churches "The Great Whore" then wonders why they don't like you. 3. You are offended by the sight of a black man drinking a coffee. 4. You think evolution is crazy and full of holes, but you believe a white skinned Jew in Guatemala rode a tapir with steel armor to see Jesus and you have never actually seen a tapir. 5. You think that a self-proclaimed prophet with three years of formal schooling is better at reading Egyptian then an actual Egyptologist. 6. You have a cousin who left the church, but you don’t talk about him.  7. You think that a Mayan glyph showing a tree confirms the Book of Mormon. 8. You think that a religion which maintains that God is still changing his mind and fixing stuff almost two hundred years after he sent down the truth is pretty trustworthy. 9. Your testimony sounds exactly like everyone else’s and you still think its powerful. 10. You blame your state's high teen suicide rate on masturbation and coffee. 11. You notice that at any one point you know at least two pregnant women. 12. You have every said "We are not a cult. I'd love to explain, but I have to be back at the temple at six for a baptism for the dead." 13. You had sex explained to you by your father on the day you were married. 14. You fear that Gay pagans will kidnap you, take off your pants, and reveal the secret underwear to the world. 15. You think that the polygamists now are confused but not great-grandpa. I hope that made you smile some.

 

I visited with Charles Frost the other day. He’s still looking for work and the only news he had was that Steven Ha told him that he’s resigning to go back to Asian Community but hasn’t set a date or time. Good riddance. John Netto wants to run for President of the Board again too but who cares? Well I will close for now. Your friend for better or worse. Ben

 

DECEMBER

1 December 2014 Monday

Today is my oldest nephew’s birthday. James Edgar Clark was born 1968, which makes him about 46 years old.

 

I was up before six this morning because I needed to go in early because I had nothing planned for the week. So I fixed my usual breakfast of oatmeal, English muffins, and coffee before heading out.

 

I mailed off Kyle’s letter today and I hope he gets it either Thursday or Friday.

 

Work went pretty smooth. I took down all the Turkeys stuff from November and up went all the Christmas stuff.

 

 I paid $10 for the faculty Christmas Party that is this Friday the same day as Greg Hardin’s People With AIDS Coalition shindig. I told him that I’d make some macaroni and cheese for the fundraiser.

 

When I took Coco home,  Michael Romero apologized for not taking me out for Thanksgiving at the Giles. As I suspected he didn’t hear half what I said about Levon Mirakyan and had thought I was taking him. Well at least he felt bad so all is forgiven.

 

I had pea soup and a quiche for dinner tonight that I made yesterday. It was better today. 

 

Today is world AIDS Day- Age Gap: Do You Know Someone Who Died of AIDS? My generation didn't plan for the future because we didn't think we would have a future... for many of us we lived for years with survivor guilt that the angel of death passed over us and took so many that we loved.

 

Bruce M. Barton wrote: “The first AIDS funeral I performed was in the early 80's for a wonderful YOUNG man, Marc LaBoa in Salt Lake City.”  Brandon Burt listed friends,” Tony, Ragnar, Greg, Steve ... countless others.”

 

            Bill Poore commented, I lived in the Village in NYC from 1977 to 1990.....it was a war zone, everyone was dying. In the beginning we all thought we were going to die. I lost too many to count.”

 

I wrote the names of my friends, “Ken Sugar Tush Francis, Dave Reed, Jasper Nightshade, David Sharpton, too many to list...”

 

Michael Sanders added the names “Keith Haring, Klaus Nomi, David Wildman, John Sex, Gia Carangi, Mark Burkett , International Chrysis, Robert Hayes, Willy Ninja, Way Bandy, Mark Smith, David Burns, Lance Loud , David Spada , Cookie Mueller, Eric Gregg, Rubin Sandwich.... so many more...I could probably go on all night, but I won't.”

 

 

 

2 December 2014 Tuesday

I am getting a new student tomorrow. I still will only be at 21 but it still always changes the dynamics of the classroom.

 

I bought gas today because I was on fumes going to work. With a 30 cent discount I paid $2.49 a gallon the lowest price in a couple of years.

 

After work, I went and picked up my prescriptions from Smith and some treats for the dogs and some egg rolls. I had 3 egg rolls, a bowl of split pea soup and a roll for dinner tonight.

 

I see on Yahoo mail that a lot of people are missing me on Face Book ha! But I won’t be out of purgatory until probably Thursday.  I think it’s very homophobic of Face Book to deem a natural part of a male anatomy as obscene. To me doing that is what is obscene.

 

 Anyway watch RIO 2 that I received from Netflix this evening and I have to do something about my toilet upstairs. It’s leaking from the bottom and needs to have the flush valve replaced. I guess I will figure that out this week. I have faculty meeting in the morning ugh.

 

3 December 2014 Wednesday

Last night I was up several times trying to keep the toilet from dripping and getting water all over the floor. It was nearly midnight before I actually got back to sleep and I was up at 6 in the morning because I had faculty meeting at 7:45.

 

Nothing too exciting. Our Faculty Xmas party is the 12th. I thought it was this Friday so I was glad to hear that because I told Greg Hardin I would attend his activity this Friday at the Jam.

 

It was drizzly this morning but cleared up. The weather is supposed to be in the 50’s all this week.

 

At work this mother in the office asked me if I was Mr. Williams and I said yes and she said she had me for a teacher over at Orchard. She was a grown woman with a fourth grade student. She said I was her favorite teacher and loved all the art I did. I said well sadly those days are over and I am retiring this year.

 

My new student didn’t show up and I had a kid throw up in class but fortunately he made it to a trash can.

 

Right after work I went to Lowe’s and bought parts to replace the water valve on the toilet tank but probably won’t get to it until later this week. I also bought some colored bulbs to put on the porch and over the garage to be festive.

 

I also bought some string of colored Xmas lights and strung them after bringing Mike some split pea soup and a quiche over when I dropped off Coco.  I just had some beans and chips for dinner.

 

Michael Aaron wanted some material on the Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats so I spent much of the evening pulling up my files. Did that for about 2 hours and got half way through then said I was tired and would finish tomorrow. Michael Aaron said he’d get the Q out to Kyle Foote.

 

Since I haven’t been on Face book I kind of don’t know what is going on in the world. Salt Lake City said they don’t want the prison located out by the airport which simply means the state may give it to us out of spite [lots of laughter]

 

4 December 2014 Thursday

Still no Face book for me [lots of laughter] Went and bought some Christmas ribbons and bows to tie on my outdoor lights on the garage and porch to get in the holiday mood and made a batch of Macaroni and Cheese for Greg’s Fund raiser although I won’t bake it until tomorrow. Also, I sent 6 months of info on Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats to Michael Aaron before I watched a series of shows on Hulu.

 

5 December 2014 Friday

Well I was let out of Face book jail today. That’s more than the 7 days they said, and I am still on probation. I am blocked for posting pictures for another 7 days! Well the bitch is back after 7 days (actual 8) in Face Book Purgatory but they added another 7 days of being banned from uploading pictures by the Face Book Nazis...I am sure that I am being monitored and on Face Book's naughty list and what really pisses me off is that the pictures I posted that were flagged were so innocuous and none pornographic...

 

It is ridiculous that any part of a male anatomy should be considered obscene and a violation of community standards...why is a male penis ever considered pornographic in a natural flaccid state? So these geeks that make these rules have never taken an art drawing class in college? The lack of the values of a liberal education in college is what is seriously wrong with this country plus this phobia of the male penis by straight men.

 

So I can make comments and post now but not even a picture of baby Jesus because I posted a picture of a cute guy in shorts with his balls peeking out. I can understand Face Book not wanting to turn into a porno site but totally asinine that you are targeted posting a flaccid penis on a "secret" page.

 

And yes no one reported me this time...the picture was flagged before it even made it to Great Basin Bad Boys...Face Book sent a message saying one of the pictures I tried to post violated their terms of agreement and I was shut down without any recourse. I tried to post 5 pics only 4 made it. The fifth one must have been encrypted as a flag. I’m a baaaaaaaad little boy ... But I must say it was good to be back in the community.

 

I was tired last night from getting up to pee several times in the middle of the night and this morning I dreamed I was with these guys in some apartment in Salt Lake City and I began sucking their cocks. I must have been horny.

 

Anyway another week of school is over and I am that much closer to Winter Break.

 

Another fall like day. In the 50’s.

 

Notice Gasoline has dropped again substantially to $2.75. I have never seen it under $3.00 a gallon for years. Holly Refinery in NSL is giving our school 25 bikes so someone is still making money.

 

I left school early thinking I’d come in tomorrow but realized that Comcast is coming tomorrow to put the line from the cable box under the sidewalk then to the house and I need to be home for that.

 

When I came home, rested before taking Coco home and then I fed the dogs and baked the Macaroni and cheese I made up yesterday for Greg Hardin’s fundraiser tonight.

 

I am glad I went because Walt Larabee was there and I sat with him when he wasn’t performing and I met this nice guy named Chris.  He was standing alone near where I was and I said that there was a buffet if he was hungry but he said he had already eaten but then he came over to visit and asked what was going on. So I told him about it being a fundraiser for people with AIDS Christmas Fund.

 

Then we got to visiting and found out he was visiting from Austin Texas taking some classes at the U of U. So we got to gabbing like old friends. He looked about 30 and cute. He was smart and fun and it was a joy to actually converse. This guy from Logan named Steve came up to me and said I looked so familiar. I asked have we slept together? That cracked the Texas boy up.

 

I miss that. I miss being with Texans at time. So Walt, Chris, and I had an enjoyable time at Jam.

 

Anyway my Mac and Cheese was a hit and was the only dish scraped clean. Charles Frost didn’t show and there were about 100 people there all in all.

 

I asked Chris to Facebook friend me and I left about 10 at night to take Walter home. Sounds like he’s disappointed in the direction the court is going.

 

Greg Allen wrote, “Good to have you back! This is all quite insane in our "free" society.” James Connelley said, “Welcome back, bad boy! Let's start Queerbook. I'm over Face Book.” And  Al Miller wrote: “Welcome back. Missed your posts.”

 

Roland Allen Holmgren said, “Quite frankly, Ben, I missed your posts. So glad you are back...and please be good. A week without Ben is like a week of inversion in Salt Lake. Also, have you ever thought about setting a blog on Tumblr? They are very liberal on what is posted. What Great Basin Bad Boys posts is tame.”

 

Brandon Bur added, “Tumblr is more than "liberal" about what they allow. I've seen stuff on there that made my hair curl, and I'm a jaded fuck! Welcome back, Ben. I kept posting things and expecting to get your usual snarky commentary, and when it wasn't there, I was at a loss ... I had to start snarking myself!!!”

 

I said, “Frankly I think Face Book is really prudish and especially on a secret site.. Supreme Court is hearing whether threatening to slaughter someone in a Face Book post and another guy posted nude pictures of his ex gf and sends them to her boss and I'm banned for showing a little dick? Crazy. Can you do a group blog on tumblr?” Ron Holmgren  responded, “I'm not sure. I agree with Burt. I had straight hair before I joined Tumblr.”

 

Bill Poore  said what I am thinking that I am being singled out. He snarkily said, “I just think Ben is tagged for nasty photos, none of the rest of us are. I mean he uploads around 3 thousand a year, he is bound to get caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Ben looks like a perv, it was bound to happen. ......now what is tumblr and how do you get there....maybe we should switch to tumblr but I would need a tutorial on how to do that.

 

Charles Frost commented “Praise Jesus and Mary Mother of the Universe. YOU ARE BACK Ben! The worry that has been expressed should touch you to your mean old heart! HOWEVER, no pic posting means 2,000 word editorial rants. OMG--we may all wish we were banned until you can post a pic or two. ; )

 

Doug Murri wrote: The Menlo Park boys need to lighten up a bit. They allow lots of hate and bullying to go on, on many pages. But showing a pretty penis gets you banned? What's wrong with sharing a little dick among friends? Welcome back, Ben. You've been missed.”

 

6 December 2014 Saturday

It’s been three years now since Kyle was arrested and sent to prison.

 

Comcast told me that their guys would come out on December 6 to lay the cable from the cable box under the sidewalk and under my fence to the house and that I needed to be home to open the gate and keep the dogs inside. So I stayed home all morning and afternoon waiting.

 

I called about 1:30 to see when they were coming and Comcast said they laid it yesterday when I was at work! Sheesh it would have been a wasted day except I used it to put up my Christmas tree. Got my Christmas lights up and my tree. Ho Ho Ho.

 

I wanted to go into school and get some work done since I left early yesterday but since it was two o’clock before I found out that I wasted my morning I decided to instead go run some shopping errands.

 

I went and bought a new filter for the hot tub and then to bought some odds and ends to spruce up the house for Christmas. I strung another string of lights under the bay window so I have lights from one end of the house to the next.

 

I also went to Deseret Industries and bought some knickknack items but also I bought a sports blazer because I haven’t had a sport jacket for years.

 

While I was waiting this morning I tried plugging my external hard drive into my desk top and it crashed. Completely dead. I was panicky and asked Mike Romero to come over and he got it to working an recovered my files. Thank God.

 

I watched Albert Finney’s Scrooge today. It’s my favorite version of “A Christmas Carol”. So it was kind of a busy and unbusy day. 

 

Only 1 percent of people living in Utah in 2012 were born in Texas! I am a rare sort I suppose but then wild flowers don't care where they grow. I am a product of Texas Wild Cat Hell Raisers, Pioneers, and "Remember the Alamo" fight against all odds, kind of guy...

 

Then I wonder if I am even more of an outlier being just 10 percent of the 1 percent of Texans here, being as I am a Gay man. Yankee boy James Dabakis is also one of the one per centers who were born in New England and now living in Utah... born in different parts of the United States our journeys landed us in Utah to be a pain in the ass  to many Utahns each in our own ways. [lots of laughter]

 

7 December 2014 Sunday Pearl Harbor Day

 

I had heartburn for a good portion of the night because I ate a chili cheese bagel before going to bed. Finally about 2:30 I got up and took some baking soda in water which seemed to help with the acid.

 

Saw that Brandon Burt posted a cute Cavemen segment from YouTube where to Cavemen discover oral sex. It was funny but I slept in until about 8 in the morning this morning, I decided before I do anything else today I’d sit down and write Kyle Foote a letter. It takes about two hours to type up a long newsy letter to him. This one was 5 pages long.

 

After eating breakfast of bacon, eggs, hash browns, and toaster waffles I got busy with the day. I shared most of my breakfast with the pups so while it may sound like a lot of food actually it isn’t.

 

 I really worked hard today on the house because I was having Bill Poore over for dinner. It’s a good way to get chores done when you know people are coming over. I swept and mopped the house. Got all the pee spots up. Even swept and mopped the steps that really needed it.

 

I made a meat loaf this morning but didn’t cook it until 3:30 and I also made up a huge batch of Chili Verde that I will share with Mike Romero for fixing the computer yesterday. I was proud of myself getting the printer hooked back up to the lap top that I am using now and I was able to download my 100 years of music also on the laptop.

 

I hung the pentagram star over the front door finally. I found it at Deseret Industries  a month ago but finally brought the ladder out to hang it.  Lots of little chores. House drudgery but the house fairy isn’t going to do it for me.

 

 I looked in the mail box and there was a letter from Kyle Foote that he wrote on the 4th but probably before he got my letter. Said he’s excited about going to a Christmas Party that he gets to go to for all the volunteering he’s doing.

 

Draper still hasn’t sent the money back to Gunnison that I sent him last August and September that got transferred to Draper when he was moved.  I sent him $75 today.

 

 Well Bill came over about 5 this afternoon and I fixed a meatloaf, creamed corn, mashed potatoes and gravy and some broccoli and cauliflower of which neither one of us ate much.

 

He’s done with classes at the U. Just has to get his grades out and then he will be finished and retired.

 

 We had a nice Sunday visit and I am going with him on Tuesday to his faculty party. All his theater department people will be there.

 

After Bill left about 7 in the evening I took a dip in the hot tub and that felt so relaxing. Still another warm December day. In the mid-fifties.

 

I wrote Kyle “Dear Kyle, I hope you are well and you are being productive with your time. Well it’s been three years now since you have been incarcerated and you are now more than half way through your 5 year sentence. Someday it will all seem like a bad dream as you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start on a path that will be beneficial for you and others.  Too bad when you were first arrested they didn’t sentence you to therapy and counseling rather than just jail time which you seemed to have not taken seriously. I know in a strange way Prison has been good for you.

 

The weather here has been extremely unusual with it being in the high 40’s and mid 50’s. Yesterday it was 58 degrees. But it made it easy for putting up Xmas lights outside. No snow or cold temperatures to have to deal. I wasn’t going to put anything up this year but I thought don’t be an old Scrooge. So I put up a pink tree in my front window decorated as gaudy as I could with purple glass balls and strings and strings of sparkly beads [lots of laughter].

 

 I strung lights across the garage and across the bottom of the front room window. And up and down the porch railings and the tree net to it. Changed out the garage and porch lights to blue, red, and green bulbs and tied ribbons on the lamp posts. So ho ho ho.

 

Two more weeks before Xmas vacation. That will go fast and then I will come down for a visit. I am going to do a lot of holiday art before the kids get out even though we aren’t supposed to take minutes away from the almighty reading, Math, and Science core.

 

I did give up doing two holiday skits that I’ve had my kids do for the past 20 years, The Animals First Thanksgiving and The Bell That Couldn’t Ring.  But I am going to do holiday art. I am not going to deprive these kids of memories because of jackasses who think data and testing is more important than being creative and using their imagination.

 

About a week ago this mother of a 4th grader was in the office and she looked at me and said, “Are your Mr. Williams?” And I said yes and then she told me that she was a former student of mine when I was over at Orchard elementary. She said that I was her favorite teacher and she loved all the art I did in class. See…these kids don’t look fondly back on elementary days remember math and reading. The arts, the plays, the creative things you did and how you treated them. So many times I’ve had former students say I was their favorite teacher in elementary school…so this last year I want these students to also think I was their favorite teacher and have good memories.

 

Yesterday had some computer glitches that worried me. When I tried to plug in my external hard drive it shorted out my desk top and everything shut off. Michael had wiped my lap top because of issues I had from a program Levon Mirakyan put on last summer making it incompatible with Comcast internet. So, everything I had was stored on my external and my old desk top. I was only using my laptop for writing so I freaked.

 

But Michael Romero came over took the desk top apart took out what had been short circuited and got me back up and going again. Phew!

 

Yesterday was the pits too because Comcast scheduled some guys to come out and bury the cable beneath the sidewalk and my fence rather than it being just laid across the sidewalk to the cable box. I was told I had to be home to open the back gate and keep the dogs in.

 

So I had a lot to do that day but just waited and waited. But I used the time to put up my tree and Michael came and looked at the computer so finally about 2 in the afternoon, I call Comcast to see when they’d have their guys coming and they tell me they came out on Friday when I was at work! No one left a notice or anything and how they did it without me being home I have no idea so I wasted much of the day.

 

Did buy a new filter for the hot tub. See I am trying to be responsible.

 

Friday night December 5th Greg Hardin was hosting a benefit for the People With AIDS Christmas Fund. That’s when the Royal Court gives a hundred dollars to destitute AIDS patients. They have been doing this I know for the past 25 years. Anyway he guilt tripped me into making a huge pan of Macaroni and Cheese because part of the event was a honey baked ham and turkey light buffet. I guess his Bishop or someone works for, Honey baked and donated the meat.

 

Charles Frost was supposed to meet me there but he never showed. [lots of laughter]. Greg raised $600 so there are six people at least who will get a $100 but there will be other shows and fundraisers too.

 

I had written on Face Book  [I am finally out of Face Book jail] that people ought to come down early if they want my Mac and Cheese because anything I make for a pot luck goes fast and sure enough the only pan of food scraped clean was the Mac and Cheese [lots of laughter] And it was a huge pan like a turkey tray size.  There was still plenty left over of all the rest which was mostly store bought things and pasta salads.

 

The same thing happened at the SAGE event where I received the community service award. I made stuffed pork loin with gravy, about 40 portions, and it was gobbled up fast too. So I guess I still have the knack although I rarely cook for myself anymore.

 

Greg was dressed to the hilt in a red outfit and a blond bouffant wig and when I gave her a hug she was all pinned in with a corset that felt like a whalebone corset from the 19th century holding all that in.

 

Poor Greg was already drinking by the time I got there at 7 in the evening and by the time I left at 10 at night  I was taking bets, with this these cute Texan from Austin, on when Greg would keel over.  He was so sloppy drunk trying to perform he was slurring all his words and couldn’t keep time with his backup singers.

 

I sat most of the evening with Walt Larabee, an old friend of mine and a former Empress in the Court, and with this Texan named Chris. Walt was there to perform. Walt is a professional who has done female impersonating of Shirley MacLaine, Carol Channing and others on cruise lines. I knew him when he was just a 27 year old kid from Affirmation. He and Charles Frost go way back in their acting days from the early 80’s.

 

I saw this cute thirty something guy standing by himself and looking kind of lost so I called to him and said that there was a buffet if he was hungry. He wasn’t but came over to my table and asked what was going on. Soon found out he was an out of towner from Austin Texas who was just in for the week to take some medical classes at the U.

 

He is a RN and we just hit it off like old friends like two regular Texans who know how to gab. He didn’t know anything about the Imperial Court system and he was fascinated by it. He said he liked to watch drag shows which I thought was unusual for his generation but good for him. He also seemed more like my generation not at all interested in Gay marriage. [lots of laughter].

 

I learned something interesting from him about New Mexico. His family is Texans from Farmington NM just like my dad was born in New Mexico of Texans. Anyway New Mexico instituted a state lottery which only has one purpose and that is to give free college education to its high school students who maintain a 2.0 average in school! Isn’t that so frigging progressive?

 

He became a registered nurse with a free education and graduated debt free, not like so many college kids that are drowned in debt just to get an education. I told you Germany has free college education even for Americans. Watch those places take off. America will slowly become a backwards nation if only the wealthy can afford to get a higher education.

 

So Chris made my night fun even if Greg was a falling down drunk. He has aspirations of running for empress next year but it will never happen because of his alcoholism. He kept telling me while drunk- “remember I only have misdemeanors no felonies” [lots of laughter].

 

This is the first time I’ve been out to the clubs in months, many months. I think I told you that your old friends no longer own Club Jam. The people who owned the restaurant The Garage on Beck Street are the owners and are not Gay but what clubs are strictly Gay anymore anyways? Probably The Sun Trapp and Tryangles are the last two. The Paper Moon closed this weekend. The last woman bar in the state. The Metro has moved into the building next to the SunTrapp and is a mixed bar. Of course Club Sound hasn’t been Gay in years. Joe Redburn sold the Trapp to his employees and they renamed it the SUN TRAPP in honor of Joe’s old Sun Club. [before your time].

 

 Megan Risbon who use to be Valarie Larabee’s assistant and director of Pride Day is the club manager of Club Jam. She’s an ultimate fag hag so she brings the Gay boys into the club. I think I told you I had her daughter as a student years ago.

 

Well I have no idea what’s going on at the Pride Center. I hear from Charles that Steve Ha is wanting to resign but Charles speculates a lot on things and embellishes so who knows.

 

 Chuck Whyte is back to feeding the homeless youth breakfast on Saturdays at the center but that’s about all I know. I think I did write you that I told Michael Aaron that you weren’t getting the QSL and I sent him your Gunnison address and he said he thought he was sending it to the wrong place so hopefully it will start up again for you. If not let me know and I will keep pestering him. After all the years of writing for him [over 10 years] for free he owes me a favor or two.

 

At the Friday fundraiser this guy named Steve came up to me and said I looked really familiar. I asked, “Well have we slept together?” My new Texas friend laughed out loud at that and the Steve smiled and said well may be. [lots of laughter]

 

 Anyway I said you probably have just seen my picture in the Q. Then his lover said “I love your articles. I read every one of them.” He said my style was so free and easy. Then he said “I get tired of Charles Frost’s preaching in his articles. He needs to lighted up and not be so serious.”  Hmmm, observations  from my fans. [lots of laughter]

 

Friday morning I was finally released from Face Book  jail and was allowed to get back on Face book but am still banned from posting pictures for a week. On the night of November 26 before going to bed I posted some pictures of cute guys in various stages of dress on Great Basin Bad Boys which is a “secret” group which means no one can see anything posted in the group except members.

 

Charles and I created this group 2 years ago just for mature Gay men to discuss issues relating to the Stonewall Generation and because we are Gay men we post pictures of men or things we find funny or attractive or just bizarre without judgment.

 

However I posted some pics of athletes freeballing in their shorts, where their junk was visible and one of them must have caught Face Book’s censors and I got a notice that I was blocked from Face Book for a week. I am such a bad boy.  I know I am being monitored and it pisses me off no end. This is what my friends on Great Basin Bad Boys wrote when they found I was blacklisted.

 

Bill Poore: “Ben Williams has been a bad boy again and Face Book has kicked him off for a week....I am sure it was all those dick shots. •    I believe Uncle Ben will be able to read what is posted, he just won’t be able to post or comment....so be careful what we say behind his back. I think Ben was probably flagged and is being monitored....let face it he is a bad bad boy. There are some here that he might have pissed off that are no longer members of the group, they could have contacted Face Book and told them what a bad boy he is and they started to monitor him.”

 

Charles Frost:  “FYI. Uncle Ben has done it again!! Just in time for Thanksgiving holiday. He has been banned by Face Book for 10 days. A repeat offender. I cannot imagine what level of list his name is on at Menlo Park. He will be on a short hiatus. Another strike, and he'll be in a special Face Book jail.

 

Doug: “Seriously? Ben's posts are always the best...!!!! I, of course, always view them purely for their artistic value. Looks like there's an overabundance of turkeys in Menlo Park. Happy Thanksgiving, Ben and all you bad boys!”

 

Kevin Scott:  “I gotta have Ben send me whatever it is that got him banned. I'm guessing it was pretty tame... But I should be the judge of that. I regularly report spammers but consider that I join a group because I signed up for it. Why in the hell do people waste time being offended? That's your problem, not ours.”

 

Christopher: “What do you have to do to get banned? Must be serious. Of course in Utah I guess it's good he didn't get shot.”

 

Michael Aaron wrote on Great Basin Bad Boys: If people are getting reported to Face book on this group, perhaps we need to go through the members and figure out who is reporting the photos. If it is you, perhaps you should remove yourself from the group.”

 

Al Miller: “ I wonder if Face Book didn't flag Ben and they are monitoring. I would be very sad if it was someone in this group that was flagging things. I agree, if you don't like what had been posted please leave.” Michael responded, “Face book doesn't work that way, it's people that report photos. Usually it's a person.... a sad, pathetic person.”

 

 Charles Frost added: “Ben was tagged, please know that. He was being monitored. The previous (first) blocking we are not sure. As co-admin. for this group--we hope that everyone that is a member would do as Michael requests and self-remove if you don't wish to be here. Ben and I have at times culled the group to a smaller amount, the two times we have done this because certain members are never involved in any way, or because of suspicion that information that was posted on this "SECRET" group was shared with others and caused a lot of drama and conflict within the Gay Men's community. Enough said. Please--also make suggestions as to how to make this group more important, relevant, fun, naughty, for bad boys at whatever stage of life they exist. The group started to allow a place for gay & bi men to post items they would not feel comfortable posting on their own Face Book page. Great Basin Bad Boys is also used for information that is gay relevant, comedic, medically important, etc. Research. At times, social and emotional outlets and connections, etc. PLEASE OFFER YOUR FEEDBACK. In the meantime, know Ben is doing just fine, and being banned for a few days feeds his bad boy image too. There is a southern rebel (Belle) way down inside that one. He knows we love him, he knows we are concerned. Hope this helps every member of Great Basin Bad Boys to better understand.”

 

Bill Poore wrote: “I do not agree with Michael. I believe Ben is being monitored. No one else from this group has been banned and there has been some pretty nasty bad boy picture (That I loved) that did not come from Ben.” 

 

Friday I was able to let the Great Basin Bad Boys what had happened and I wrote “Well the bitch is back after 7 days (actual 8) in Face Book Purgatory but they added another 7 days of being banned from uploading pictures by the Face Book Nazis...I am sure that I am being monitored and on Face Book's naughty list and what really pisses me off is that the pictures I posted that were flagged were so innocuous… so none pornographic... It is ridiculous that any part of a male anatomy should be considered obscene and a violation of community standards...why is a male penis ever considered pornographic in a natural flaccid state? Especially in a private group of adult males.

 

So these geeks that make these rules have never taken an art drawing class in college? The lack of the values of a liberal education in college is what is seriously wrong with this country plus this phobia of the male penis by straight men.

 

So I can make comments and post now but not upload even a picture of baby Jesus because I posted a picture of a cute guy in shorts with his balls peeking out... I can understand Face Book not wanting to turn into a porno site but it’s totally asinine that you are targeted for posting a flaccid penis on a "secret" page. And yes no one reported me...the picture was flagged before it even made it to Great Basin Bad Boys...

 

Face Book sent a message saying one of the pictures I tried to post violated their terms of agreement and I was shut down without any recourse. I’d tried to post 5 pics only 4 made it. The fifth one must have been encrypted and flagged........I'm a baaaaaaaad little boy ...

 

 Bill Poore wrote I just think Ben is tagged for nasty photos, none of the rest of us are. I mean he uploads around 3 thousand a year, he is bound to get caught with his hand in the cookie jar.”

 

Well nice to know I have fans [lots of laughter]. Then people got mad when they thought it was someone in the group that reported me, which wasn’t the case. I am just being tagged by Face Book.

 

Well, Kyle I hope you get a laugh out of all this … I miss you more than you know. How I’d love to have a really long visit with you, one that lasted longer than just two hours, one where  I could pat your arm, hold your arm, and know that you are really there and not a dream like so many of my long gone friends are only now to me. Love from Drama Queen Ben…

 

8 December 2014 Monday

Tired all day but was able to pull enough work together to get through the day. I did a reading inventory called SRI and ran off all this Christmas Music. This will be the last time I will be singing Christmas songs with any students.

 

Brought some Chili Verde to Michael and picked up the desk top computer  that he worked on for me. I wrote Kyle today in response to the letter he wrote me.

 

Dear Kyle, I didn’t receive your letter from December 2 before I wrote you yesterday on the 7th. Please when you write tell me when you get my letters so I know which ones have reached you. I think we are out of sync and I am writing you before I get your letters so it’s hard to respond.

 

 I put in $75 in your account which should tide you over for a little while. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on your Swiss pastrami burger holiday volunteer party. Hopefully they won’t put too many onions on them or at least don’t serve onion rings.  I hope they have Tums in the commissary. I know how you feel about jalapenos.

 

I tried loading money for this morning before going to work but for some reason correctional access said you were not able to receive funds at this time. Weird.

 

But it’s about 4:30 in the afternoon and I am getting ready to take Coco home. Glad you got a haircut but you are fine looking either way. I was teasing because I had never seen your hair so long.  Did you keep the side burns?

 

I am glad you have started to watch Bob’s Burgers. It’s very clever and also has a lot of social commentary. I even learn some things from it like the episode where Tina did a report on Edison electrocuting an elephant named Topsy in 1903 to try an experiment with electricity. He actually filmed it…so cruel.

 

Anyway I hope the money that was sent from Gunnison to Draper shows up soon. I wonder if there’s anything I can do since I have the statements from Correctional Access.

 

I am enclosing with this letter a statement that just came today from Adams College. Not sure what much can be done about it.

 

I am tired from scrubbing the house yesterday, mopping and sweeping and generally just cleaning things for Bill Poore my director friend to come over for Sunday dinner.  He’s retiring this year in fact another week and he will be done. He will be 66 in February.

 

I made a Meat Loaf and I cooked a huge pot of chili Verde to give to Mike Romero for fixing my computer. Well not much more to write about so I will close for now.

 

Your friend always Ben

 

9 December 2014 Tuesday

I went With Bill Poore to his U of U Theater Dept faculty XMAS party at Fiddlers Elbow in Sugar House this evening and just got home...met some really nice people found a lady to give all my skits and plays and art projects to now that I am ready to retire so that was serendipity... Food was delicious and all the booze you could drink so I had a diet coke. Some theater historian wanted my email address once Bill Poore told him I was a Gay historian

 

10 December 2014 Wednesday

I feel out of sorts, tired and achy...we had a lock down drill today where we had to lock our classroom doors, turn off the lights and have the kids huddle on the floor until a police officer unlocked our door. Afterwards I told my kids that I feel so sad that this has become a part of their reality.

 

We drill and test them to death and now scare them to death... The hell with it...afterwards we watched Donald Duck in Mathmagic Land and at the end of the day sang Christmas Songs. I am feeling really ran down… my right armed is sore like bursitis and I just feel really tired. My knee feels a prickly too.

 

I got a letter from Kyle Foote today. I’d like to write him back but can’t really concentrate.

 

11 December 2014 Thursday

I woke up at 2 this morning from a pain in my arm. I have an inflammation of my rotary cuff in my right shoulder that is keeping me awake...Aleve isn't doing the trick... Heating pad isn't helping either... Should be fun at school in the morning with no sleep... Oh well...the pups are passed out snoring ...

 

I wrote Kyle Foote a letter: Dear Kyle, I got your December 2nd letter yesterday, the 10th.  I would have written then but I was so tired yesterday so I thought I’d set down and write you a letter today although I won’t get to send it out until tomorrow.

 

You should have received the money I sent Monday by now so I hope you have a fun time at the volunteer party and get to watch all the Xmas specials.  I know you are getting weary of being incarcerated. I guess that is supposed to be part of the punishment but look how much time has passed since you were yanked out of Gunnison last September. I know I say,  "This too will pass” a lot but I forget to add the last part, “ LIKE A KIDNEY STONE, but it will pass."  That’s much more realistic in times of difficulty and despondency.

 

I am feeling better than yesterday when I was so exhausted for some reason and my shoulder up by the rotary cuff was hurting so much that it woke me up at 2 in the morning just aching. I took ibuprofen, Advil, and aspirin but nothing seemed to help but while it still aches today it’s not as painful. Maybe its bursitis or just another thing to look forward to as I age. 

 

Nothing too new around here since I last wrote you.  Tuesday Bill Poore invited me to a faculty dinner party that the U of U Theater Department held at Fiddler’s Elbow. I met most of the staff there and a theater historian who wanted my email address when Bill told him I was the historian for the Gay Community. [lots of laughter]

 

I haven’t heard from Charles in a while or anyone else for that matter but I’ve been when really busy with school. The kids are getting antsy for Christmas and I am worn out all ready.

 

Tomorrow we have our faculty Xmas party. I dread it. All these women and I am the only man.  We have to have a white elephant. Well I guess it will be the last one I will ever have to attend so should be grateful for that. Just one more week before Christmas break. Yay.

 

The weather has been so unseasonably warm. It’s still in the mid 50’s. Last year this at this time it was zero degrees. Gas has dropped to $2.50 and that is unbelievable too. Just two months ago I was paying more than a dollar more than that.

 

The torture report is all people are buzzing about on Face Book. Republicans are going ape shit trying to defend torture. It’s really telling about the morality of some people that they would try to defend torture.

 

Anyway I wish I had more to report to you.  I can only tell you that you are never far from my thoughts. For Better or Worse your friend Ben

 

12 December 2014 Friday

Just one more week before a long need Christmas holiday break. Our faculty party was held at the usual Joy Luck Chinese place in Bountiful. Actually I think China Star which right across the street is better but Liz Beck said she’s afraid they would spit in her food since she has had run ins with the owners over their kids [lots of laughter] There  wasn’t as large a turn out as last year. When you are at a small school like ours it’s really noticeable. In fact more support staff was at the party than faculty.

 

We had a white elephant exchange after the meal and boy were those women ruthless when they wanted something. I had brought a bottle of Martinelli bubbly apple cider and a big bar of dark chocolate for my gift exchange. I had about three things taken from me but ended up with some ginger bread from Great Harvest which I just ended up giving to Liz. I didn’t need it. Well that was my last Faculty Christmas Party... I wonder if school teachers are the only ones who have to pay for their own Christmas parties. [lots of laughter]

 

Heard some good news that after I retire I can still substitute teach as long as I don’t make over $15,000 a year. So I could supplement my pension and social security if I had too. Or if the house needed something. So I don't have to completely be on a fixed income.

 

 Anyway beautiful December day and I know it reached 60 degrees but tomorrow the storm that has been deluging California is supposed to bring us some showers tomorrow.

 

At home I was surprised to get a call from Charles Frost. I hadn’t heard from him in over a week. But he had news he wanted to share. Steve Ha resigned from the Pride Center effective immediately! The official reason is that a form of cancer had returned and he was too ill to perform his duties while Charles said that Kent Frogley who is the new Board Chair told him confidently that Beano Solomon had given the board an ultimatum that he is let go or she would hold up her 100,000 dollar end of the year support. So who knows what really went down.

 

John Netto is no longer chair of the board and that is a good thing. Elected as president of the board was Kent Frogley, who had been the vice president. Christopher Wharton was elected as vice president, Kathleen Boyd as treasurer and Jason Suker as secretary. Boyd works for Wells Fargo, Wharton is a lawyer. Have no idea what Suker does. Anyway Charles was on a rant and he just needed to talk. I was in bed by 10.

 

Dismissing the Torture Report is like saying you're okay with criminals violating the Geneva Convention Rules and that you are okay with torture being done in my name and your name...

 

those so adamant in defending the 2nd amendment are strangely quiet about the 8th Amendment and the ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Bush and Cheney have made it impossible for the U.S to decry human rights abuses in China or elsewhere...the Republican legacy

 

13 December 2014 Saturday

Up this morning at 6 to write an overdue column for the QSalt Lake then off to discount tires where I bought 2 new tires and it only took 15 minutes and then off to school where I worked two hours... now home making Beef and Cabbage Soup the way my folks use to do for this rainy overcast day

 

14 December 2014 Sunday

Dear Kyle,     I thought I’d sit down and write you a letter since I am feeling better than I did when I last wrote you. My arm is still tender near my shoulder. I figure it’s the onset of bursitis. Welcome to aging. At least from me you will come to expect what you will go through some day. I guess it’s the price we pay for living too long in this world.     

 

This morning there was a skiff of snow and ice from rain last night. It’s been too warm for it to stick around. As soon as the sun comes up this morning it will vanish like faerie gifts.

 

Well last time I wrote you I said there wasn’t any community news but that all changed Friday. Steve Ha resigned as director of the Pride Center and straight man John Netto resigned as chair of the board. This is the official reason as posted in the Q “12 Dec 2014 Breaking: Ha resigns as executive director of Utah Pride Center;” board elects new officers- The Utah Pride Center announced today that its executive director, Steven Ha, has resigned, effective immediately. Also, John Netto is also no longer the president of the board of directors as the board elected new leaders at their December board meeting. Elected as president of the board was Kent Frogley, who had been the vice president. Christopher Wharton was elected as vice president, Kathleen Boyd as treasurer and Jason Suker as secretary.

 

“The Utah Pride Center today accepted the resignation of executive director Steven Ha and would like to thank him for his service,” Frogley said in a statement. “Mr. Ha was recently diagnosed with a recurrence of lymphoma and is stepping down.”

 

 “The mental health programs that Steven helped put in place are serving many members of our community and we look forward to building on the foundation Steven created during his tenure at the Utah Pride Center,” Frogley continued.

 

“Day-to-day operations will continue under the direction of Sheila Raboy in the position of interim operations director. She has resigned from the UPC Board of Directors in order to fill this important role and ensure continuity of programs.

 

The highly capable Utah Pride Center staff, along with Sheila, will collaboratively work to maintain and improve the programs, services and events offered through UPC.”

 

The Center will announce plans for a search for a new executive director after the first of the year. In the interim, the UPC Board will oversee the ongoing growth and expansion of programs, events, and partnerships.

 

Ha became the executive director in February with an expectation to serve for one year after the Center was on a search to replace Valerie Larabee, who resigned in October, 2013.

 

Ha joined the board of directors of the Center after the family of David Phan, the 14-year-old who committed suicide at Bennion Jr. high in Taylorsville in December of 2012, asked him to introduce them to gay community leaders in the hope of assembling a group to address issues faced by gay-ethnic youth.

 

He was elected treasurer of the organization in December, 2013. Ha focused on positioning the Center as a mental health provider in part as a way to increase revenue. He has also been focusing on grant writing and other efforts to progress the Center to the next level.

 

At the December board meeting, John Netto announced that his year term as president of the board was an appropriate time to “walk away” as he moved his focus to financing the building, managing a CDFA grant and writing other grants to move the construction of the building forward.

 

At that meeting, the board also voted to set up a new non-profit organization to own and manage the building, with a small lease agreement to the Center. Separating the building from the organization itself will allow that group to seek funds otherwise not available to the Center.

 

Kent Frogley joined the Center’s board of directors in 2012. He is currently the assistant vice president of institutional marketing and communications for Salt Lake Community College. He has also lead global marketing at Franklin Covey, was partner at Taylor Fife Kent and has been at O.C. Tanner, Saatchi & Saatchi DFS and Bates Worldwide.”

 

So here’s the behind the scene intrigue according to Charles Frost who took Kent out to lunch last Monday and plied him with libations to open up which didn’t take much. Kent is a pill popping lush. Can you tell we aren’t BFF?

 

 Anyway Charles and Kent go way back to Franklin Covey days and Kent also plays “Darcy” a sister in the Spanish Fork Relief Society in Charles’ Dottie Dixon performances. Also this article is wrong about Kent joining the board in 2012. Maybe this time but he was on the board back in the beginning when Charles Frost took over the Center in the early 2000’s in fact Kent had been Chair of the Board before but I digress with this background material. I just wanted you to know that whatever Kent told Charles is pretty reliable and was not meant for public consumption.

 

In the 1980 the community said there were three great communication systems Tele-Star, Telephone, and Tella Ben Williams. I was kind of the Hedda Hopper back then when everyone had to tell me juicy gossip in the community. I suppose no one thought I would record it in my journals and elsewhere.  Again I digress.

 

This is the scoop or poop. Beano Solomon the rich Jew who sees herself as a patrona for the Gays and Trans community wanted Ha gone. So much so that she said she would withhold her annual $100,000 end of the year contribution to the center. BTW she is also the lien holder on the building.  She was unhappy with the direction the center was going towards being a mental health clinic. She wants the center to be a show place for the Olympian Gays to tell the establishment their money makes them as good as they.

 

She also is good friends with Sheila Raboy of whom I know nothing even though she tried to friend me on Face book. I deleted her because I had no idea who she was. If I don’t know who you are then you really have not done anything of significance in the community. Maybe in their Gay clique but not in the community.  

 

Michael Aaron thinks she might be someone he can work with but Charles has really strong negative opinions of her; calling her a bull dyke Jew from Park City who is being groomed by Beano. Like I said I have never met her.

 

However she’s done two things so far to piss off Troy Williams of Equality Utah and Charles. First she went on Charles’ Face book page and took his 800 friend list and sent them all a friend request. I guess that is how I got mine. Anyway that made Charles furious and he told her that it wasn’t cool to raid someone’s friends list.

 

 Well you know she picked Charles because he has the crème le crème on his page. As for me I only have 120 that I wean down all the time. My posts go truly just to friends that I’ve actually met or have corresponded with for a long time.

 

Then at the Equality Utah end of the Year Christmas party wrap up she went and handed out her business card to all the donors there and big wigs which made Troy furious too like she was trying to hijack his clientele. Nonprofits should not raid each other’s donor lists especially in the Gay community.

 

So Ha did not resign because of health reasons only, but he actually was pushed out. And Sheila is the “director of operations” which is just a stepping stone to being named Interim director and then stepping over Ha’s body become Executive Director.

 

 The power lesbians in this community want a Lesbian at the helm. Beano however is another straight woman “ALLY” meddling in the affairs of Gay people.            Kent Frogley and I had a run in last year at the talking circle when he tried to call me a liar and I jumped all over his shit and told him to quit rolling his eyes and being a smug ass…I am not one of his favorites now. I wonder why?

 

Wharton is this little bow tie wearing lawyer who stands for nothing but is a great yes man. Boyd is this black lesbian who was put on the board last year for diversity and works for Wells Fargo Bank. She and Ha hated each other. Ha claimed he worked for Wells Fargo but took a sabbatical to save the center. Boyd was telling people that no one knew who Ha was at Wells Fargo. Then Boyd tried to solicit all the board members to switch their personal accounts over to Wells Fargo as favor to her. This was a no no according to by laws and violates common ethics.

 

Ha was trying to get her kicked off the board. He lost. She won and is now the “treasurer”.  This Suker guy I have no idea whatsoever who he is or when he came on the board. He won’t post any information on Face Book which showed that he had only 5 friends in common with me … the usual suspects Michael Aaron, Charles Frost, Jim Dabakis, Weston Clark, and Michael Sanders.

 

Link In says he’s a student at the U of U at the Eccles School of Business.  Again another unknown in positions of authority. Although there are 19 boards members in reality the four members of Executive Committee make all the final decisions. 

 

Kent also told Charles in a cryptic way that he was worried that some financial scandal might blow up. He referred Charles to some woman they knew while working at Franklin Covey who embezzled with her husband over a million dollars and was sent to prison. The inference from what Charles could gather is that the board is trying to bury some irregularity as deep as they can lest it blows up in their face.  The center has already admitted that while attendance was higher this year at pride, revenue was down considerable from last year.

 

I wrote my column for January on what is the purpose of a community center. Michael Aaron said it was really good and asked the right questions. What is a community center? More importantly what should be the vision for a community center for the Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Trans Community of Utah? Do we even have a vision anymore? Where are the visionaries and leaders in whom we can place our confidence and trust as we prepare to go into the second half of the decade?

 

Shouldn't we be asking what actually is the purpose of a community center and who gets to decide what that might be? Some advocate that the center should be a mental health and counseling resource. Others a show place for the elite to meet. While still others argue that a center's main goal should be to promote youth activities and programs. While all these goals are worthy in of themselves, is that what a community center should look like? If so then truly we should drop the word community from this nonprofit which often is view as only running programs and servicing clients from which grants can be obtained to pay salaries and upgrade the facility that houses its staff.

 

Last year as a crisis in the confidence in the leadership of the Pride Center came to a head, nearly a hundred members of the GLBT met in an open forum for nearly a month to express their disappointment in the direction the center was going.  Board and Staff members who attended these meetings were defensive and often patronizing to those in attendance and while great promises were made at reform and transparency, promising a new day at the Center, in reality business went on as usual.

 

The center has floundered with no real leadership, which connected it with the community at large. Staff came and went. Promises were not kept and the entire building has even gone on lock down.

 

 As 2015 is upon us, it appears that "the new boss is same as the old boss" with priorities placed on a building rather than the people for whom it was intended to serve. Well-heeled individuals voices are listened to far more than simply surveying the general population to assess our needs.

 

We still have a top down hierarchy, telling us what our goals should be and where we should put our resources rather than seeking our opinions.  A leadership that is perpetuated from among its own board certainly does not reflect the diversity within our community and can hardly represent its concerns. It was not always so.

 

In 1989, at a meeting of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah [GLCCU], Garth Chamberlain, a representative of the Utah Gay and Lesbian Youth Group, stood up and proposed the formation of a committee to look into the feasibility of a Gay Community Center for Utah.  The motion was sustained and passed and a committee was formed with Jim Hunsaker, a representative of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union of the University of Utah [LGSU], elected chair. Elected is the operative word here.

 

Our first community center was planned by elected leaders who worked under the direction of a body of representatives of individuals and representatives of community organizations that existed at the time.  As a member of the community center committee I have firsthand knowledge of the struggle to create an organization that would represent the vision of GLCCU.

 

I had the distinction of suggesting the name of the proposed organization to be the Utah Stonewall Center. I felt a need to connect us historically with the struggle for civil rights for homosexuals in America.

 

The vision of a center, as I understood it, was to be, as mandated by the GLCCU,  first and foremost a welcoming home for Gay folks and their friends. It was to be a safe zone. It was to be a place of resources, information, and education. It was to be a space open to just drop in and hang out. It was to be a facility to house and provide meeting space for various community organizations. It was to be under the direction of the GLCCU and subject to its internal audits and purvey.

 

At each monthly general meeting of the GLCCU, which was open to all; with voting privileges extended to paid members, the USC committee chair would give an accounting of minutes and finances. Transparency was not an issue.

 

We old timers who established the GLCCU and the USC cannot see why the issue of transparency is so difficult today except for the fact that no one making decisions is accountable to anyone in the larger GLBT community. It’s easy to dismiss people’s views if one is an autocrat or is enabled by a board to be one.

 

The Utah Stonewall Center had its grand opening on June 1, 1991 mostly due to the efforts of Charlene Orchard who replaced Jim Hunsaker as chair of the USC committee. The first director of the center was Craig Miller chosen by Orchard and who was sustained by the GLCCU.

 

Almost immediately there was a clash of interest in what was the purpose of the USC. Orchard and Miller, who had never actually participated in the democratic process of the proceedings of GLCCU, began to ignore the stated purpose of having a center and focused on it becoming more of a social worker clinic ran by professionals rather than by volunteers from the community. I and others were troubled that the USC was moving in a different direction, under the direction of a few people, rather than following the vision set forth and approved by the GLCCU.

 

USC's first year was a tumultuous one as a struggle ensued to establish the purpose of the center.  Hard feelings occurred, harsh accusations were made but in the end it was the GLCCU which made the decision in which direction the center should go after hearing all sides.

 

Keeping the mandate for the center to be a safe zone and drop-in space for the community, Marlin Criddle was elected to replace Orchard and Melissa Sillitoe of the Youth Group was selected as director to replace Miller. The Utah Stonewall Center had an all-volunteer staff which kept the center open seven days a week 12 hours a day.

 

At its peak, it housed the largest lending library of GLBT books, videos, and music west of the Mississippi. It housed the Utah Stonewall Archives, a collection of resources and history of Utah’s struggle for equality.  A monthly newsletter called the Center of Attention was published listing various activities.

 

Women Community organizations led by Kathy Worthington helped paint and make curtains for the large meeting space with architects and builders putting up walls to provide more meeting space.

 

A large binder with all the resources and numbers of bars, organizations, counseling and legal contacts was in the front station where volunteers were trained to look up information for the center’s clients.

 

People scrubbed floors, cleaned the bathrooms, swept the place because it was OUR community center. The youth group even had their own meeting space in the back which they decorated with spray painted murals.

 

Then of course the center housed a slew of groups as vastly different as Wasatch Affirmation for Gay Mormons and Power Play a pansexual bondage group. All the while, reporting monthly to the GLCCU the programs being developed, financial reports, and just a general accounting to the public.

 

 Along the way there were some that pushed to have the Center separate from the GLCCU and form its own nonprofit status. They felt that being monitored by the GLCCU was cumbersome and intrusive.  As it eventually worked out, interest in the GLCCU was waning as the old guard became fatigued from fighting two fronts, Utah’s bigotry and the AIDS epidemic which peaked in 1995 but had sapped much of the vitality out of the men’s community.

 

The same year, probably not out of coincidence, GLCCU stopped formally meeting. At the conjunction, the USC took that opportunity to break away and form its own 501c3 status. The old GLCCU’s nonprofit status however was maintained by the Gay Pride Committee even after the parent organization disappeared.

 

Without the GLCCU oversight, in 1997 the Utah Stonewall Center, without warning or community input, closed its doors.  None of the well-heeled community members stepped in to save it. Additionally without community oversight the chair of Gay Pride Day became involved with criminal fiduciary conduct.  There's a lesson in there for those who pay attention.

 

Well I will close for now. I went to my last Xmas faculty party on Friday. Learned that even after I retire I can still substitute teach as long as I make under $15,000 a year. So nice to know I don’t have to be on a fixed income. That’s good news.

 

One more week before Winter Break. I hope to see you before Christmas.

 

Write as often as you can. Take good care of yourself. Your friend in this life and the next. Ben

17 December 2014 Wednesday

Got all my “holiday houses” art projects that were  made by the kids sent home. We did some coordinate graphing of Christmas Trees and some Hanukkah math and then sang Holiday songs at the end of the day and the world didn't come to an end.

 

If we knew that the lives of our children could be snuffed out in an instant wouldn't there be more to their lives then citing text evidence  and modeling fractions?

 

 Came home and made some chicken soup to deliver to a sick friend, Michael Aaron, and now I am surfing Face Book [laughing out loud].  When we Gays used to call ourselves "family" I am old school enough to still believe it.  I told Michael to Get well soon and if you need anything give me a holler.

 

I haven't had time to process the tragedy in Pakistan about the cold blooded murder of children and teenagers by the Pakistani Taliban. Monsters and demons in human form. How much hatred must you have in your heart and utter lack of humanity to look at a child and execute him? There are such horrors in this old world and doubt if there is any joy in the hearts of those family who are burying their children. Bless the Beast and Children.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote today: Dear Kyle, I got your Christmas card and letter today and glad to get them. You dated your letter 12/14/15. Are you jumping the gun to 2015 already? Lol …Your last letter you wrote November instead of December. [lots of laughter] we need to get you a Calendar.

 

 I wrote you two letters on the 11th and 14th that you probably got after you wrote this letter I received today.         Have you had your holiday party yet with that volunteer group yet? I know you are anxious to get a paying job again and I am sure your principal appreciates your dedication and also your intelligence.

 

I am glad you got the $75 and if you need for me to print off a copy of the money sent to you before you were transferred to Draper last September I can.

 

I haven’t seen the show McCarthy yet. The Gay character is Tyler Ritter the son of John Ritter and grandson of country western singer Tex Ritter. You probably don’t remember Tex Ritter but he was very famous in his day. He sang High Noon for the Gary Cooper western with Grace Kelly. He also was the voice of Big Al in the Bear Country Jamboree that used to be at Disneyland. I don’t know if you ever saw that. He sang ‘Blood on the Saddle”.

 

I remember it well and my favorite song was Theda Beara’s song “All the boys who turn me on turn me down.”  That could have been my life’s theme song.  I use to sing it all the time…Every time I meet a guy who gets me shook, All I ever get from him's a dirty look. It's the same way, everywhere I've found. All the guys that turn me on, turn me down. All the guys that turn me on, turn me down. Nothing works for me that I found. It's the same way everywhere I see. Nothing ever seems to work for me.”

 

John Ritter died from an unexpected heart failure.  Tyler looks like his dad and sorry Kyle, he’s straight and married.  He’s also the brother of Jason Ritter who played a character on that show you liked “Parenthood”. He played a character named Mark Cyr.

 

 Well I don’t know how I got on that tangent. I think you are right that Face Book must have some type of algorithm on forbidden pictures because the pictures that  I had been banned for never even made it onto the Face Book site. They intercepted it before it was even posted and then shut me down.  So I am toying with a Tumblr blog to transfer the Great Basin Bad Boys members over to where they have no hang ups about the male anatomy.

 

I hope your card makes it to your sister Kelsi. And whether anyone ever responds back to you… you have shown them that you are thinking about them. Whoever does your cards is very talented.

 

I will talk to Jim Dabakis and Bill Poore again. Today is Jim’s birthday. He turned 61 today.  It Was just last year he invited me to his birthday bash where he had Debbie Reynolds come and sing to him and Charles and I had our picture taken with her.

 

I went over to Michael Aaron’s today with a pot of chicken noodle soup. He’s been down with the flu. You know we Gays used to call ourselves "family" and I am old school enough to still believe it.  Maybe Gays will have that connection again in their lives especially as some are predicting a backlash to all the gains we made recently. Same thing happened in the 70’s we were making great strides and then the Moral Majority and Anita Bryant set us back two decades and the AIDS epidemic didn’t help at all either.   But I am so proud to be everything conservatives hate.  

 

You probably won’t hear this on the news so I will copy it here for you about that hostage situation in Australia. “Gay Hero of Sydney Hostage Crisis Died a Second Class Citizen He was standing outside the St. Francis Hotel in 1975 where President Gerald Ford was appearing. As Ford left the building, a woman standing next to Sipple raised a pistol at the president. She fired, but not before Sipple saw what was happening and lunged at her, deflecting her arm and causing her to miss. This act earned him the attention of the media -- something he did not want. He didn't want his name known. But the media was relentless. He asked them to not reveal he was gay, something he hid from his family, but, of course, the story got out -- media feeding-frenzies rarely respect people and journalists feel themselves immune from consequences of their actions -- after all, they sell a lot of papers and it's not their lives that are screwed up. Sipple's mother did learn her son was gay and she disowned him, precisely what he feared. While he later reconciled with his parents, his mental health deteriorated. He drank heavily, became morbidly obese, and was found dead at the age of 47.

 

In Sydney, a mentally disturbed man, grabbing hold of religious extremism as his excuse, took customers of a coffee shop hostage. For hours, he threatened and used them as shields. Police negotiations were apparently going nowhere and the siege lingered past human endurance. This lone man had more than a dozen people in his grip but was getting sleepy. He started nodding off, even though he would try to fight it. The hostages were tired, but having a shotgun pointed at you has a way of keeping you alert. As the terrorist nodded off, the hostages ran for the door and safety -- but not all of them. One man charged the terrorist. Tori Johnson was 34. He managed the Lindt Chocolate Café for two years. Employees and customers all said he was a good man, a kind man. He was also a gay man. Johnson tried to take the gun to protect the other hostages as they fled, but he was shot in the attempt. His attack distracted the terrorist. The others escaped and the sound of the gunshot brought in the police, who killed the armed man. Another hostage also died on the scene, but of a heart attack on the way to hospital after being shot. Tori Johnson never went home that day, he died in hospital. He never again got to tell his partner of 14 years, Thomas Zinn, that he loved him, or that he wanted him to pick up his socks or any of the things one says to another who is the love of their life, with whom they share heart and home. Tori's partner Thomas, and his family, issued a statement: "We are so proud of our beautiful boy Tori, gone from this earth but forever in our memories as the most amazing life partner, son and brother we could ever wish for."

 

Mark Bingham was a gay man on United Airlines Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. The plane was in the hands of hijackers. He was rushing home to San Francisco to be an usher at a friend's wedding. Hijackers took the plane and Bingham and other passengers were herded to the back of the plane. He called his mother and left a message telling her what was happening. Other passengers also called home and learned of the attack on the Twin Towers. Bingham and other passengers decided to rush the cockpit and take the plane back. They fought the hijackers who lost control of the plane, crashing into an empty field instead heavily populated Washington, DC.

 

 Father Mychal Judge was a priest and the chaplain to the New York Fire Department. When he learned of the attacks in New York he rushed to the Twin Towers and began offering last rites to those who died. He entered the Towers and began helping those who needed it. As the South Tower collapsed debris flew through the windows and he was killed. His was the first body recovered and taken to the medical examiner, earning him the dubious distinction of "Victim 0001." Father Judge was also a gay man. He disagreed with Catholic teaching and said, "Is there so much love in the world that we can afford to discriminate against any kind of love?"

 

Besides their sexual orientation, what Tori Johnson, Oliver Sipple, Mark Bingham and Mychal Judge had in common is that they were heroes, but not by design. Fundamentally they were good men thrust into horrific circumstances who acted in a way consistent with their own moral character.

 

Heroes are good people facing unusual circumstances and remaining true to character. Yesterday we learned that Tori Johnson was a good man. Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott called Tori Johnson, and the other victim "good people." Yes, Tori was good people, but to Abbott he still wasn't good enough, at least not when it came to marriage.

 

Tori and his partner of 14 years, Thomas, could never be married, not in Australia. Tori and Thomas deserved the same rights as other Australians. But that right was denied them, and now, for Tori, it's too late. Prime Minister Tony Abbott laid flowers and said nice words but he's still fighting to deny marriage rights to "good people" such as Tori Johnson. If Abbot wishes to honor the heroism of Tori Johnson he should push for marriage equality. At the very least, he should get of the way and allow his own party caucus freedom to vote their conscience. For all couples like Tori and Thomas it's time to pass Senator David Leyonhjelm's marriage legislation.

 

Sydney siege: Gay café manager shot dead protecting hostages hailed a hero - The gay manager of the café at the center of the Sydney hostage crisis has been hailed a hero for wrestling the gunman before he was shot dead. Tori Johnson, 34, lunged at hostage-taker Man Haron Monis as he shot at several fleeing hostages at around 2am this morning, giving them time to escape. Johnson was shot trying to take the gunman's weapon and died later in hospital. Barrister Katrina Dawson, 38, was also killed while shielding her pregnant friend and four others were injured. After hearing the gunfire, commandos stormed the café, killing Monis and freeing the remaining hostages. Johnson was in a long-term relationship with his partner of 14 years, Thomas Zinn, who is being comforted with the deceased's family at the couple's home in Redfern. 'Police in Sydney have now confirmed to local media that the Lindt Cafe manager Tori Johnson died when he attacked the gunman, trying to wrest his shotgun away. This action almost certainly saved many lives,' Don Baxter, adviser for international programs at the Australian Federation of AIDS Organizations, told GSN. 'Gay Australians are comparing Tori's actions with those of Mark Bingham, who led the attack on the 9/11 plane heading towards Washington, bringing it down and thereby avoiding many more deaths.' Monis, a self-appointed Muslim 'cleric' who fled to Australia from Iran, seized 17 hostages at Lindt Chocolat Cafe in Martin Place yesterday morning. Monis had been out on bail at the time over 40 sexual offense charges and charges relating to his role in his wife's murder - over which he was most likely going to be jailed for many years. Monis had originally been a Shia Muslim but recently converted to Sunni Islam and started supporting the Islamic State despite the fact that they execute Shia Muslims. Johnson had managed the coffee shop since October 2012 and before that had worked at restaurants in Sydney and the US. He was the son of acclaimed Australian artist Ken Johnson and his former wife Rowena. 'We are so proud of our beautiful boy Tori, gone from this earth but forever in our memories as the most amazing life partner, son and brother we could ever wish for,' his parents said in a statement. Here’s a picture of Tori Johnson.

 

Well I will close for now. I am really heartsick over those 140 Pakistani students and teachers who were massacred by those demons in human form. How could anyone look in the faces of those children and young men and systematically execute them? Horrible. What a weary world this seems to be at times.

 

In a couple of days on December 20 we will be celebrating the first anniversary of marriage equality in Utah. I guess several events are planned. I am having Christmas Eve at the house for the strays. Hope to see you before that if the weather holds. I love you Kyle Foote. I hope you know that. Your friend for better or worse Ben

 

18 December 2014 Thursday

 “Winter Break Holiday” is code for “Christmas Party” tomorrow. We did Hanukkah Star of David decimal math, Festival of Lights word searches, 12 Days of Christmas word math problems today...

 

After work I went and got a gallon of punch, 2 dozen cookies, candy canes, Hershey kisses, caramel squares, and some other stuff for a class party tomorrow to send them all home tomorrow with a sugar high [laughing out loud]

 

19 December 2014 Friday

Last day of teaching for 2014 ... Not much teaching going on today... Just Ballet West I CAN DO dance rehearsal, spelling and vocabulary tests, XMAS party, lunch, cleaning out their desks, a holiday sing a long assembly and then shoo them out the door until Jan 5. Merry Yuletide.

 

A Mother sent her girl to school hacking and coughing and blowing her nose...Wonder how many of my kids will be down and out over the break? I am getting a raspy throat so I bet I've picked it up.... But in first grade six kids were sent home with rashes over their faces and body and may be a staph infection.

 

At the end of the day I had a missing student... I patted her on the head and sent her out the door after wishing everyone a merry Christmas and Happy Holiday... But she didn't go to the after school daycare and she's not with mom... I am staying late because if anyone needs to talk to me...

 

Epicurean: A School of Thought devoted to the pleasure of friendship and community. An Epicurean can find the good in any situation and always sees the glass as half full. "Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance" - Epicurus

 

20 December 2014 Saturday

As I feared I came down with some crud. Drank Nyquil throughout the night to control my dry hacking cough but it was the pain in my shoulders that was most miserable ... Tried heating pad tried frozen blocks...

 

Went to bed at 9 in the evening just now waking up at 10 in the morning....not a good start to winter break... Plenty of food in the house just don't want eat... I would go into a heavy sleep and just wake briefly to post I was still alive. My strength is poured out like water, my frame joints ache like ...

 

My sudden aches all feel like broken wings being twisted by leather tongs.......my lungs are sore ....back to me own bed for my eyes are heavy.

 

Just woke up at 3:30 in the evening from being sound asleep. Had to go relieve myself and get a tall glass of ice water...everything aches and the worst part is that I am dreaming that I am teaching the kids to divide fractions... Can’t even rest when I'm sick... Cool water is all I've had today .. Excuse me while I conk out again.

 

Only thing I was aware of today was that Mayor Becker declared today Freedom to Marry Day for Salt Lake City.

 

21 December 2014 Sunday

Been in bed for nearly 24 hours and the crud I caught is heading towards my chest. I’d yell at my dogs but I don't have a voice... They think all should go on as normal...Been thinking it's Monday all day and was surprised that it’s still Sunday. I made coffee, toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast but took a bite and then gave the rest to the hounds... No appetite ... Tried some chicken soup I had left over last night ... Ate a couple of noodles of that and Lucky enjoyed the rest

 

22 December 2014 Monday

I feel I am on the road to recovery. I have a residue cough but the extreme fatigue, delirium, and achiness is over. Not sure what I caught. I had a flu shot last fall and did not have a head cold at all. Must have been Ebola. [lots of laughter]

 

Sorry if I missed  birthdays or anniversaries. I know there were a slew of them on the 20th and more to come on the 23rd.

 

While I am feeling so much better... I am vertical and mobile... Not all my huskies are mushing... And my ass has been dragging all day... Mom always gave us 7 Up when we were sick when little... I know it was probably a placebo but I still have to have my 7-Up to feel better.

 

23 December 2014 Tuesday

I am all tuckered out...trying to get things done for Christmas, when three days were missing in action, is interesting. Got my Brandy Balls made, chocolate marshmallow rice crispier treats done, two chicken pot pies done to give to non-mobile friends, chili is simmering, and pinto beans in the crock pot... I found a little treasure, a holiday cookie jar, at Deseret Industries for a $1.50... I looked all over the Internet and couldn't find any like it... There's no stamp or marking but I think it's vintage... I don't care… it's cute...got my doggy stockings stuffed for the pups and instead of throwing away these choir kids I made 20 years ago decided to take them home for the holidays... Their school days are over ... Good night to all and to all a good night

 

24 December 2014

I shared this on Face Book page reminiscing about my Aunt Minnie Lee who was born December 24th 1929 in Muleshoe Texas. She always got cheated out of a birthday wish so I want to remember her today.

 

She was a “preemie” baby and couldn't fill a dinner plate from head to toe,  she was so tiny. She always had some mental development issues and was somewhat always childlike. She never married and lived with my Grandparents mostly until they died. My dad and uncles were the guardians of her estate until she died in 1999.

 

Grandpa Williams was working as a cook in that little bitty cowboy ranching town and the family was boarding in an old wooden hotel. They had three boys all under the age of 6 already when Minnie was born.

 

On Christmas morning that Muleshoe hotel caught fire and Grandma was carried out by men in a folded mattress with little Minnie in her arms as the town folks rushed around trying to put out the fire and get everyone one out safely. Grandpa had all three boys tucked under his arms. My dad was not quite 4 years old at the time. All the family's possessions were burned up including their Christmas toys. It was a sad Christmas at the beginning of the Great Depression but a miraculous one that they all made it out of the fire safe.

 

That whole family is gone now and none to remember that Christmas 1929 in West Texas.

 

It was no secret that my Grandpa Williams and his mother in law Minnie Danforth did not get along. She was ornery to put it mildly and Grandpa was passive aggressive. Grandma Danforth was always critical that Grandpa was a Baptist, she being a member of the Church of Christ.

 

During the 1930's my grandparents managed to open a cafe in Earth, Texas where the older boys helped in the Cafe busing tables and washing dishes. As they grew older they even were taught to cook on the grill and how to prepare other food dishes that was on the menu.

 

While Grandpa Williams and Grandma Danforth never did see eye to eye, they eventually reached a point where they tolerated each other. Except one Christmas Eve 1937, Grandpa decided to get even with her. The devious thought came to him while cooking up his chili recipe for Christmas Eve customers.

 

Grandma Danforth had the habit of dropping in to visit at the Cafe nearly every day and since she used tobacco in the form of snuff she kept a snuff can on a certain shelf in the kitchen. So Grandpa thought it would be real funny if he took some of his red New Mexico chili powder and mixed it in with the snuff then put it back on the shelf where she wouldn't notice.

 

Well it was not very long until Grandma Danforth strolled into the Cafe, went to the kitchen and pulled her snuff can off the shelf. Sitting down at a little oil cloth covered table to visit with Grandma Williams, Grandpa Louis watched from the kitchen as Grandma Danforth pinched out a bit of powder tobacco and placed it in her lip.

 

Almost immediately she hollered, "Annie get me some water! I'm on fire!" Grandma Danforth was said to have drunk a pitcher of water before she could speak and the first thing she said was "Louis you get your cotton picking self out here!" He was not to be seen for a while since he skedaddled off to his brother-in-law Uncle Ed to hide for a bit.

 

Grandma and Grandma Danforth did not speak to Grandpa the entire Christmas Day and put him in the dog house for nearly a month. My Aunt Beulah Danforth loved sharing this story with me. All are gone now and if I know them they are all fussing in heaven.

 

Bill Poore wrote: “Well I can see where you inherited your curmudgeons from. We will have to start calling you Minnie. My grandmother chewed snuff for years, hid it for years but in the end kept her little spitting can next to her chair as she read the Bible.”

 

I responded: Grandma Danforth's people were the Peacocks...They were hot tempered people...The Klu Klux Klan ran my Grandma Danforth's dad out of Cleburne Texas he was so ornery. Went to Comanche County Texas in the middle of the San Saba range war...all carried pistols to church... two brother in laws ambushed and killed. Later settled a town called Peacock named for him and his brothers. Destroyed by a tornado in 1914. He was poisoned so locals said by his 3rd wife. His sons were wild and would ride horses into saloons in New Mexico and west Texas. One shot a man for leaving a cattle gate open. The Peacock Gang they were called but they all were drop dead handsome men.”

 

Bill Poore said: Amazing how forgiving you are if they are handsome.” And I replied, “And your point is?” “just saying the apple does not fall from the tree, we are our DNA. Handsome is as handsome does.”  I then said, “they were heartbreaking scalawags... all are gone now.”

 

My cousin Terrie Williams wrote “I have not heard this tale...great story, I can just envision it all.” I wrote back: “I went and visited Aunt Beulah Danforth back in 1982 and made a tape recording of a long conversation we had of the family. She was the last of all them... She liked to tell stories but I have no doubt this one is true [lots of laughter] You know Terrie that Grandma Danforth was hit by a bus she had gotten off there in Calimesa. She was hit in one county and died in another and it caused all kinds of head ache for insurance and other legal matter.

 

She never had a headstone for nearly 35 years. Grandma Williams refused to have the name Gordon on her headstone...That caused a row with the Peacock side of the family.

 

Finally RL and Dad took the remaining money from Minnie's estate and paid for Grandma Danforth's headstone there in the old Downey Pioneer Cemetery. Later RL's wife Ellie said Dad didn't pay his share of the headstone while I was visiting and I whipped out a $300 check and paid them. Dad was mad because he knew he paid his share and later found the receipt. So they got $300 out of me but I wasn't about to let them say dad had cheated them. RL was embarrassed by Ellie was badgering him. No matter they are all gone now.”

 

My cousin Frances Griess wrote: Don't feel too bad. You weren't the only one Ellie cheated money out of. And believe me, it was a lot more than $300. I'd be surprised if she is seen on the heavenly side.” I wrote back: “As far as I am concern Uncle RL's wife is only Aunt Jerry and always will be.”  Frances said, “You got that right. And not too long before he passed, R.L. paid to have headstones put on Ellie's parents gravesite and the headstone for Ellie and her first husband.”

 

25 December 2014 Christmas Day Thursday

Christmas 2014 and all is calm all is bright ... Feeling blessed. I got up early and gave the pups their Christmas treats then started in on Christmas dinner. I had Bill Poore over and he brought presents to exchange. I couldn’t mention on Face Book that he was coming over because he told his brother Ross that he was down in Moab because he didn’t want to go to his brothers. [lots of laughter]

 I glazed a ham and fixed yams, corn, and cheesy potatoes. Had made a pecan pie too.

 Christmas snow was falling all day. It was the first snow that actually stuck to the ground. Three or four inches for sure... The real Christmas Magick will be if I don't have to shovel and it melts off the sidewalks and driveway... Merry Merry Christmas.

 This is the letter I wrote Kyle Foote: Dear Kyle, I hope to see you before you get this letter. I am planning on coming down December 26th so you will already have had Christmas and probably heard all this before you get this letter.

 It’s been snowing here all day so everyone is excited about having a White Christmas. Last night it was 42 degrees at 10 and today it never got over freezing with fluffy snow falling all day. The weather report for Friday says however it is supposed to be clear so the roads should be good.

  I got your letter dated the 21st on Christmas Eve. That was like getting a present from you. It was posted from Provo on the 22nd so it really made good times. Hopefully you got my last one dated the 17th. Before I get into why I didn’t make it down before Christmas, I did put $75 in your account for Christmas so I hope you got to treat yourself and your friends to something.

 Friday the 19th was my last day before Winter Break and I had been planning on heading down the next day on Saturday but I was laid up for 3 days in bed. This mother sent her girl to school that day hacking and coughing and blowing nose. I could tell she was really sick. I wondered at the time how many of my kids would be down and out over the break. Little did I know I would be a casualty? But at home I had a raspy throat so I knew I must have picked it up. I was hoping I was just tired from the hectic week before Christmas when the kids are so hyper but shortly after going to bed early before morning I was down for the count.

 As I feared I came down with some crud. I drank Nyquil throughout the night to control my dry hacking cough but it was the pain in my right shoulders that was the most miserable as if the virus decided to settle in there. It throbbed and hurt so bad. I tried using a heating pad and frozen blocks. I went to bed at 9 in the evening Friday but I didn’t wake up until 10 in the morning Saturday morning. It was not a good start to my winter break.

 What I was most miserable over was that I wasn’t able to go to Gunnison as planned. I had plenty of food in the house I just didn’t want to eat. I would go into a deep heavy sleep and then just wake up briefly to post I was still alive. I hardly had the strength to get out of bed to pee and feed the dogs. My entire frame joints ached. All day I slept. Everything ached and the worst part was that I dreamed I was teaching the kids to divide fractions... I couldn’t even rest when I'm sick... A Cool glass of water was all I could manage to put in me the entire day.

 I remember little except some strange dreams that dead family members were telling me I couldn’t go home. I had a really disturbing one about John Cunningham that I won’t write about. I have no recollection of Sunday and the winter Solstice.

 On the day you wrote your letter, I had been in bed for nearly 24 hours and the crud I caught headed towards my chest. In fact I thought it was Monday all day and how upset that I wasn’t well enough to go see you knowing that it would be after Christmas now before I could see you. I had missed your birthday and now I was missing seeing you for Christmas.

 I was feverish and my tears were even hot. I was surprised when I was lucid enough to realize it, that it was still Sunday. Later in the day I made toast and scrambled eggs for something to eat because I had eaten since Friday but after I took one bite of each, I gave the rest to the hounds who stayed by my side...I even tried some leftover chicken soup that I had made for Michael Aaron later that night but after eating a couple of noodles , Lucky enjoyed the rest of it.          

 On Monday the 22nd, which was my last window of opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas in person, I felt I was on the road to recovery but I was not strong enough to attempt the road to Gunnison. While I was feeling so much better, at least I was vertical and mobile, I knew that “not all my huskies were mushing”... I had still a residual cough and, even though the extreme fatigue, delirium, and achiness was over, I was extremely weak. I felt like I had been the love slave for a 500 pound gorilla who was into rough trade.

 Not sure what I had caught. I had a flu shot last fall and did not have a head cold at all.  Finally on Tuesday, well or sick I had to get going if I was going to have any type of Christmas. Even though it tuckered me out, I made Brandy Balls and made chocolate marshmallow rice crispier treats to give out. I also made two chicken pot pies to give to Doug Lott and Chuck Whyte for Christmas.

 Additionally I made my West Texas chili and made pinto beans in the crock pot for Christmas Eve. I had Charles Frost over for lunch on Christmas Eve because we hadn’t talked in a very long while. I think he has the holiday blues because he’s been out of work for so long except for what he does for SAGE at the Pride Center.

 I had spent most of the morning scrubbing the house since I felt well enough and I was having company over. While I had been in bed sick it had rained that weekend and the dogs tracked in a lot of muddy foot print and got into some paper towels and had fun tearing them up but the rest of the day had a relaxing afternoon with Charles Frost and we exchanged presents and then ate the lunch I fixed. Cornbread and Chili... Taught him to eat it like Southerners [laughing out loud]...

  One thing we talked about was why there were two events celebrating Marriage Equality in Utah last Friday... I was pissed that Equality Utah and the Pride Center did not jump on board and support Mark Lawrence's Restore Our Humanity's "Shelby Friday" Event instead of having a second event that EU and UPC organized. It was Restore Our Humanity that brought the lawsuit that brought marriage equality eventually to 35 states. And that organization did it without any support from EU or the PC either. Those organizations were so focused on an anti-discrimination bill that Gay marriage wasn't even on their radar. Give credit where credit is due I always say...

 Those organization held a champagne and cake event where the proclamation was read that Mayor Becker made December 20th “Freedom to Marriage Day in Salt Lake”. The elite were there at the EU event and Chuck Whyte, who was taken to it, said the people there spent more on haircuts then most people make in a day. Salt Lake District Attorney Gill Sim, however, attended The Shelby Friday Event as did Charles Frost and Amy Barry.

 Had a few hours of rest after Charles left, then I went into town to pick up Chuck to bring to the house where he had some Chili and cornbread. Then we watched “Christmas Vacation” ... What is Christmas without the Griswold’s? I had made a Christmas care package for him with a bag of Clementine tangerines, sugar free cocoa mix, mixed nuts, and some others things as well as sent him home with a chicken pot pie so he could have it for Christmas Day.

 Poor Chuck his short term recall memory is almost shot. He can’t pull up people’s names he has known for years and it’s so frustrating for him. At least I know half of what he’s talking about so I can fill in the blanks. He’s still not any closer to getting disability. Sometimes this state really sucks.  All his doctors say his mental abilities are diminished but the state is still holding back.

 Chuck was asking about Zack Seach, although he couldn’t remember his name. I said I hadn’t heard from him since 2011 so for the hell of it I did a Face Book search since his name is so uncommon. I was pleasantly surprised how he had turned his life around.

 He’s living in Costa Mesa, California. That’s in Orange County only a few miles from where I grew up. It’s like from Salt Lake to Farmington in distance. I used to go there all the time.

 Anyway he had just gotten a job as an assistant manager of “Sprouts” a health food store. I didn’t recognize him at first because he had buffed up. He runs, works out, does yoga and meditation and doesn’t smoke or do drugs anymore. He looks like he living a very healthy lifestyle in Southern California.

 He must be more out of the closet because in almost every picture I looked at, he was with the boys. One looked like a boyfriend the way they posed. So I am happy he turned his life around. He was such a mess the short while he lived here, smoking up a storm, drunk most the time. At least he was cute to look at and not nearly prudish like you were around me. So that’s my update on that boy.

 [I am letting you know about Zack with the ulterior motive to let you know people can change. He was a jail bird on probation when I knew him, with court order drug testing, and was even doing some “call boy” work. Glad to know he is trying to be a better man.

 Coming back home from dropping Chuck off, I noticed that it was 42 degrees at 9:30 on Christmas Eve.  I drove by 2nd South and saw all the unfortunate souls out on the street without a home or much warmth and I counted my blessings for friends and family who look after each other so we’d never experience that fate unless we all experienced it together... The wind was kicking up so I knew this winter storm was coming and thought Santa had better tighten his seat belt because he'd be a rocking and a rolling tonight .

 This morning I gave the hounds their stockings with Christmas treats. Every day is actually Christmas for them… spoiled. Bill Poore came over about noon and I was up early baking a Christmas ham. I made cheesy potatoes kind of a version of funeral potatoes but since I didn’t want to make much I changed the recipe a bit. Also we had candied yam, buttered corn, bread dressing and a pecan pie. Funny even with all this cooking I am at the lowest weight I had been in for the last 15 years. When you threw me a 60th birthday party I was at 275 lbs. I weighed myself the other day and I was at 225.  Still heavy but even when I was in my 30’s I was never under 190 lbs.

  However once back in 1974 when I was 23 years old I had a 28 inch waist! I don’t know what I weighed but even in high school I had a 32 inch waist at 165 lbs.

 I worked at this expensive Italian restaurant called Don Giovanni’s in Huntington Beach at the harbor. I was a prep chef and it was owned by these older queens (probably your age now [lots of laughter]) who now I know really hired me because I was so cute and BYUish. All the Gay waiters were always pinching my ass or trying to goose me but I was soooo Mormon back then and I think they thought I was a challenge and I was because I was a good boy although I had the hot for this cute 20 year dish washer who would sing Eagle songs in the back room.  It was 1974 and I was trying not to be Gay so I had a lot of lost opportunities back then.

 So that my friend was why you had no pre-Christmas visit although you almost had a visit from the ghost of Christmas past when I felt I was hallucinating and having out of body experience and some really intense dreams. I am so happy your Volunteers Pastrami burger party was a success even if you had to endure the assault on your taste buds of onion residue. Like they say, “you’ve had worse things in your mouth”.

 Glad you are getting use out of your TV. Hope you are also exercising you intellect and body. Some day you will be outside those prison walls and you need to be prepared.

 The only news I know of is that two Gay guys were attacked outside of Club Jam last Saturday but the police won’t call it a hate a crime even though they were called faggots and attacked outside of a Gay bar. But it’s not all the cops fault because the state anti-hate law is so vague it’s hard to apply it.

 What is a hate crime to me is this new show on The Learning Channel. Have you heard about it? “My Husband Isn’t Gay?” It follows three Gay men from Utah county who have married women to overcome “same sex attraction” [hate that word]. In other words 3 self-hating Gay guys (really cute though) are the subject of a TV series brought to you by the people who brought you Honey Boo Boo and My Five Wives. As if Utah doesn’t have a wacko image as it is to the rest of the world?

  Speaking of Wackoes, John Huntsman Sr. called Utaliban Mike Lee an embarrassment to Utah! So funny. Old borin’ Orrin said that was an unfortunate statement. You know, steadfast businessmen and people, who are concerned about Utah’s image, cringe when Ted Cruz and Lee and mentioned in the same breath.

 Speaking of embarrassments, 75 percent of Utahns want the prison to remain in Draper but the land developers that control this state like Greg Hughes don’t give a damn what the people want. People all the way from St. George to Logan are going to have to pay taxes to move the prison just because some good old boys want to develop the land beneath the prison.

 What is criminal as far as I am concerned, is that they are not moving the prison for the benefit of the inmates, guards, staff, or support personnel but for their own personal profits at the expense of the tax payers.  They whittled it down to three locations, near Larry Miller’s Sport Park in Tooele County, Eagle Mountain down in Utah County, and at 7200 West north of I-80 in Salt Lake City but on Kennecott Land which isn’t opposed to relocation there although Mayor Becker is livid about the prison being in the city.

 My bet is on the 7200 West location because the committee members and the power in the legislature are mostly from Utah County and north of SL County and they all hate liberal Salt Lake City. Where it will be going in, if they pick that location, will be smack in the middle of what used to be Bare Ass Beach…[lots of laughter] God I bet Gay Ghosts out there are still trying to pull out phantom vehicles stuck up to the axel in mud while others tear across the sage sand dunes in search of bootie.

 I was under the weather when much of the news of Obama opening diplomatic  relations with Cuba up was going on. I am ready to go there and get my Cabana boys to take care of this old gringo.  A lot of the reasons we hadn’t established ties with Cuba is due to the fact that Cuba needed us to be the boogey man to keep la Revolucion relevant as the island decayed. Besides extreme right wing rich Cubans in Florida made sure the GOP was not going to establish ties there. Still Cuba is the only Caribbean country I would like to go visit. I’d love to go to old Habana.  I love you Mr. Kyle Foote. I hope you know that. Your friend for better or worse Ben

 26 December 2014 Friday

My mom often would pack away the Christmas tree the day after... When it's over it's over [laughing out loud]... I am the same... I am itching to roll up Christmas. One year in 2009 I didn't have the patience to unstring anything so I dragged the whole thing down, ornaments and all and threw it all in the recycling trash bin. Before leaving my class last Friday, everything that smacked of Christmas was removed.

 I want to take a quick day trip today if roads are good, otherwise all but the outside lights will be gone.

  I got up this morning determined to go to Gunnison today weather and road conditions permitting. I checked UDOT and it sounded like Route 28 from Nephi to Gunnison was slushy but okay so I cleaned up after having some breakfast then when to get some quarters and gas. I have to get quarters because that is all you are allowed to bring without for the vending machines at the Prison.

  Gasoline had dropped again and I bought it at Smith’s with a 20 cent a gallon off for $2.03! Now that is unbelievable except for some places are under $2.00. Some doomsayers are saying that this is precipitating a world economy crash. Always doom sayers looking at the negative side of things.

 Anyway I was on the road by 10:45 and listened to “Le Miz” for most of the way. Roads were fine but it was over cast and gloomy for most of the way but when I got to Levan it started to snow and I was anxious all the way to Gunnison because that is a 30 mile stretch of highway that is little patrolled or traveled if I slid off anywhere along the way.

 But I made it to the prison without incidence and there weren’t many visitors there today. After passing all the procedures of locking up my things, walking through a metal detector and going through about 3 sets of locked doors I finally was seated to wait for them to bring Kyle to me at 12:45. I was surprised by the paunch that he had developed between the last I saw him and now. He’s getting a middle age belly that I can’t help but smile about.

  I had cotton mouth the whole time I was with him so I let him do all the talking. I did tell him that I had mailed him a letter that would explain everything anyway about why I wasn’t able to get down before Christmas. Told him some of the news I knew and he told me about his volunteer work with the education portion of the prison.

 He did seem in a lot better spirits and I felt a slight detection that while he was really glad to see me, he didn’t seem to need me to be there. I think he’s settling back into prison life and is resigned that he’s going to be there for another two years minimum. He did tell me he got a Christmas card from his sister Jamie Fultz after all. It’s been nearly 2 years since she made contact with him. So at least now he has one family member contacting him and not just me.

 We visited just about random things. Said his “celly” is this 24 year old who he gets along with pretty well and I would not be surprised if more. We talked about the range of sexuality in prison and I told him most people in prison are sexual opportunists and not Gay. They would choose a woman over a man anytime.

 So anyway the time as usually went by pretty fast and it was 2:45 before we were through visiting but what can one do? I gave him a long hug not just a quick squeeze because it may be a while before I can come down again now that Winter is truly here. I can only visit Friday through Monday and since it’s a four hour road trip I really need to have some time the next day to rest.

  I hit some snow again from Levan to almost Payson and not a blizzard or anything and it was still day so the roads weren’t frozen over. I was home by 5 in the evening so I made really good time but somehow this trip didn’t feel as satisfying for me. Something is changing inside me towards Kyle. I can’t identify it either. But I was able to do the one thing I really wanted to do over the Christmas Break and that was to see Kyle.

 However whenever I leave Gunnison I get very melancholy and the song “She Does Not Love Me” from the Off Broadway show “Ever Closer” kept running through my head. “He loves me not He doesn't love me … He thinks not highly of me… It can't be true …There's some confusion… If I love him  how can he love me not ? If I love him he ought to love me.”

 I went to bed by 9:00 tonight remembering John Cunningham and conjuring up his face and form for he only lives within my memory now.

 I lost my father 11 years ago today. He spent a quiet Christmas calling and talking with his brothers and other relatives. He got up in the morning to go get the morning newspaper. He made it back inside and then dropped dead. That was my father for you. He waited until he was inside the house and mom was still asleep. He never wanted to be a fuss or bother to anyone.

 So grateful he never had cancer or a terminal illness nor had to have long term care or a death watch. When it was time to fly away he just dropped his mortal husk with as little disturbance as he could.

 The horrible earthquake and tsunami in the Indian Ocean happened the same day but our personal tragedy of losing a father seemed to be the only thing I remember from that day and that I couldn't get a flight out for two days because power in Salt Lake City was out for nearly 24 hrs. from one of the worse storms in Salt Lake City's history. For 24 hours Mike and I huddled without electricity with our dogs with nothing for me to do but dwell on that my father was dead and I couldn't get home to my mother.

 My cousin Terrie Williams wrote: “yes I remember your dad called my dad in the afternoon, then the next day we got that call your dad passed. it was really a shock. My mom passed this Oct and dad went Dec 16 two years ago. The winter seems to get them. glad we keep in touch.”

 

27 December 2014 Saturday

I am so hungry for Iceberg Onion Rings and a Raspberry shake [lots of laughter], their hamburgers are good but no one makes as good of onion rings as they can. I have been eating there since 1975 when there was only one hamburger joint at 39th South. A serving of 4 rings is 600 calories [lots of laughter]. I can't imagine what the small shakes are!

 Well Christmas 2014 is history except for the lights. I think I will keep them up until New Years because they are “purty” and makes me happy coming home after dark. Didn't take too long but then I didn't have a huge tree.

I did go buy two snow shovels one for the deck and one for the front steps. Suppose to get more snow tomorrow so I am making split pea soup from the ham bone I had left over from Christmas supper.

 Mostly I've been listen to music from 1965-1969 that I had downloaded years ago. I have it all organized by month and year. It’s the music from my high school years. Wow was I lucky to grow up with the Loving Spoonful, the Turtles, the Doors, the Kinks, the Beatles, Stones, Dylan, Marianne Faithful, Janis Joplin, Moody Blues, Donovan, Simon and Garfunkel, the Animals, Beach Boys, and all the great Motown recording artists who wrote the music score for my teenage life.

 About 7:30 Levon Mirakyan texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to go out for “Chinese” which meant he wanted to go out so I got dressed and headed into the city and we met up about 8:00 and went to Rumbi Isle Grill on 4th and 7th on the spot Utah Title used to be when I worked there no so many years ago. Rumbi was nothing special but I let Levon pay because he wanted to treat me.

 However I gave him some Zucchini Bread and a card with $25 for Christmas. He seemed to be getting along better with Dave Robinson and is getting paid some finally. Not what he’s worth but he has a roof over his head and that is more than some have.

  Same old same old though he has matured a lot since I first met him. He’s not so worried about his mother and brother in Armenia and also he says he hates Armenians [lots of laughter]. His birthday is the 3rd of January and he will turn 25. Time to be growing up for sure.

 When we left he asked to drive the Cruiser and I reluctantly said yes. It was winter and dark and he had never driven with me as a passenger. I was on pins and needles the whole time and when instead of making a left in the left lane he started go straight I had to get after him to get over rather than hit an oncoming car. Sheesh. But I had him drive up and down backstreets to let him practice but was not going to let him drive downtown with all the pedestrians and cars. [lots of laughter]

 I was back in bed by 10.  Frazzled. Still feeling odd about my visit with Kyle Foote yesterday. My feelings and emotions are all muddled. Probably because this time of year all we do is reflect.

 People commented about the music I was listening to. My cousin Kay Johnson Campbell wrote about my selection: All of my favorites. That's the main reason I have Sirius radio so I can listen to the 60s channel. Nonstop music. But I bet your collection is the best!”

 Roland Allen Holmgren commented : “I was so lucky to meet so many performers in the sixties. That was the decade that defines my life. John Sebastian, Joe Cocker, Janis Joplin, the Who, Joan Baez, Arlo Guthrie, so many....then came the seventies. I did an award winning series of speeches for Toastmasters called the "Sound Track of My Life"...10 speeches and that just covered two decades. I doubt whether years from now much of the music of today will be remembered 20 years from now.”

 I responded, “I look back at the gangsta rap from the 1990s does anyone listen to that crap today?” 

 

28 December 2014 Sunday

Felt like making bread this morning... Haven't in years since living alone and all my old neighbors with kids have moved away... Need to keep up my skills...I made two loaves of Cinnamon Raisin Bread... I like kneading the dough...it gives me a way to keep my arms strong... Some go to a gym some make bread [laughing out loud]...fresh out of the oven it smells... Like I imagine heaven does.

 So in the afternoon I ventured into town as a snow storm began. I met Bill Poore at our spot at Smiths parking lot on 6th east and gave him a loaf. Then I dropped off a loaf for Charles Frost and Doug Lott on their door step since they weren’t home. The rest of the quiet day I stayed home and warm.

 I started a Blog Page to put my genealogy on so to share with cousins and relatives who are interested.

 

29 December 2014 Monday

I woke up to about six inches or more of fresh snow. Walking in a winter wonderland my ass. Those who were dreaming of a White Christmas can come shovel my walks...nothing like waking up to cold and wet furry feet jumping in your face...Thanks to Coco coming over at 7 in the morning Oh Sure then they are all snuggled in bed, Coco, Lucky, Buddy, and Daisy while I contemplate putting on pants and boots to clear the drive way...don't think it will melt this time... But I did my civic duty and got all my sidewalks cleared, and the driveway and front steps and the back porch steps down to the hot tub and the path ways for the dogs. Only took 1 and 1/2 hours even with a snow blower now to settle down to a cup of homemade lima bean soup and some crusty bread to chaw on.

 I went to the Dentist today for a checkup and cleaning. I have little cold sores at the edges of my mouth so it was a little painful having my mouth pulled this way and that. Dr Bye  said to me “let's do all this work while you still have insurance”...A little suspicious don't you think? Evidently I need shelves filled [whatever that means] and a crown because all that is left of one tooth is the silver filling. How much is silver going these days? Maybe I should just yank it. Brrrr we are in an arctic freeze.

 I had a nice comment from Sherry Morris: “I appreciated your column in this month’s Q. I absolutely agree that a community needs assessment is in order!”

 

30 December 2014 Tuesday

This morning I took down the rest of any Christmas in the house and worked on the Williams genealogy before hot tubbing with Charles Frost on this very cold day. It’s only about 12 degrees and clear as a bell. Everywhere else in the city I guess terrible winds and gusts were making life miserable and subzero conditions. I had Charles  use this heavy red terry cloth robe I bought for company to use. We sat there in the tub  for about an hour maybe more. When we came in we ate some corn chowder that I made this morning, so life is good.

 31 December 2014 Wednesday

For some strange reason I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and decided to just get up and put away all the Christmas stuff I had placed in the movie room. I worked for about an hour and moved somethings around and tidied up the place. It needs a serious dusting but that’s for another day.

 I went back to bed for a bit and then got up to I work a lot on the Colonial Williamses and think I have it kind of figured out with no hard evidence but lots and lots of circumstantial evidence. I want to put all my genealogy on a Blog site.

 I made French Toast and bacon for breakfast for my last breakfast of the year. And added music from 1970 to 1974 to my Sixties music I uploaded on Winamp. So lots and lots of memories from my youth.

 Then I needed to get in gear and straighten up the house for James Connelly’s visit. He’s in town visiting his mom for Christmas and wanted to drop by for a visit. I have known James since he was a teen back in the 1980’s and so he sees me as a Gay Mentor figure in his life although he now lives in Northern California and is in his 40’s [lots of laughter].

 I did need to clean the downstairs laundry room and sweep it. I was glad to clean that and make up my bed with fresh sheets.  Then before James came over I made some Spanish Rice and Enchilada Casserole for lunch. James brought his sweet English Lab named Sadie who was so well behaved compared to my hooligan bunch. Lucky was a little aggressive I think trying to be protective so he did a time out in the bedroom but later he was good.

 James accidently dropped a bottle of Cabernet wine on the front porch when he was struggling to bring Sadie in. He felt so bad but told him to forget it although the spilt wine made my steps look like a crime scene with blood pooling [lots of laughter]. We had a nice time catching up. It’s been a long time. I even forgot that he came over when I first bought this house in 1996 and helped Michael Romero and I lay sod. He hadn’t been here since and said there were no trees on the place back then at all. He was amazed how landscaped my place is now and loved the deck.

 Of course I had to tell him all about my jailbird love, Kyle Foote.  We also talked about who to leave my estate to when I pass over. I said I was really conflicted about leaving anything to my family who never visits or writes unless they need money. I am glad that I have the means to help out but I don’t want them to have my house that I worked so hard to make a home but then what will I care when I am gone? I know I will leave a little bit for each of my nephews and niece, even Kevin who I never hear from or have seen in probably 15 years. Then maybe I should just open a trust fund for my great nieces and nephews to attend college. I got by without any inheritance from anyone so I suppose they can too.

 James only stayed for about 2 hours and then had to leave. I spent the rest of the day in the quagmire known as North Carolina Colonial Williamses. I stayed up to Midnight this year which was strange. I spent a very quiet evening ending this year. At midnight Bombs and explosions were going off in the neighborhood frightening Daisy...any excuse to blow something up...dogs are huddled with me in bed.

 James Connelley sent me this nice message: “It was so great seeing you, Ben. You'll never know how inspirational you've been in my life. I hope someday you can open your front door without thinking of me.”

 And so closes 2014. I made it through alive to fight another day.