Winter First Quarter Journal 2013 January-March President Obama's First 4th Year

 

JOURNAL 2013

JANUARY

1 January 2013 Tuesday New Year Day

Lazy day today and I didn’t leave the house at all. Well today is a day of reflection. I am 61 years old, still single, living in west Salt Lake City at my home on Fernleaf Street. I still have my two schnauzer, Daisy and Buddy, and babysitting Coco.

A person I have come to depend on and love last year is Charles Frost and his hubby Doug Lott. I can’t see it being any different this year. Got a bit of a sniffle but otherwise no major illnesses and I am starting out the New Year with 20/15 vision.

My ex-lover, Mike Romero’s mom Faye has been in the hospital since before Christmas… she had a back operation go wrong and she is slipping in and out of a coma. I hope she can be stabilized and get well. She is the closest thing I have to a mother any more.

I am down to one uncle since Uncle Wallace Williams passed away before Christmas.

I watched TV a lot today…actually Netflix…made a big pot of Clam Chowder and went into the hot tub…brrr it was cold with snow still on the ground everywhere.

I looked at my journal from last year and fixed some of the grammar and spelling. I wrote Kyle Foote a letter. He’s in prison in Gunnison.

I had two guys from Silver Daddies email me back and forth wanting to get together but I think they were just teasing. Oh well the story of my life. Other than that I didn’t hear from anyone on this cold New Year’s day.

“Dear Kyle, Hope this letter finds you well. Just wanted to say hi, Happy New Year, and I love you at the beginning of this New Year. I go back to work tomorrow. So glad to have the holidays over although it wasn’t all that hectic. Took down all the Christmas decorations today and packed them away for another year.   Didn’t do anything today but stay home with the pups and made some clam chowder. Made way too much so will end up giving some to Mike and Charles.

I did brave the elements and go hot tubbing today. It was only 30 degrees out and the deck is covered with snow.

Charles and Doug have a cold they got from Chris Wixxon when he came out for Xmas. So far I’ve been good. Stayed away from crowds mostly this year.         

I was wondering whether you heard anything from Ohio University yet. It’s been almost two months since sending for your transcripts. How’s your STRIVE class going? Do you still want me to keep your notes on it? 

In two weeks my school year will be half over. They keep piling on more and more for Title One teachers to do what regular Ed teachers don’t have to do. I just hope I can hang in there until retirement.

I am so pleased with my new eyes that I didn’t know how depressed I was, not being able to see. When I went in for my check up on the 28th my vision was 20/15 in both eyes but I still will always need reading glasses.

Nothing really going on here. Everyone has kind of hunkered down.  I stayed home of course on New Year Eve watching movies on the big screen with Buddy curled up in my arms.

All that is in the news of course is the “fiscal cliff” this and that. Enough already.

 

I think I told you I went on a date with this professor from UCLA. He really likes me but I come to the conclusion I am too old to date.  I mean I like the cuddles and all that but having to get use to someone else’s quirks is hardly worth the bother. I guess I sound like an old poop. Maybe someone will come along that is special… but until then I have Buddy and Daisy.

Well this is a very short letter I know. It’s after nine and I am heading for bed so I will sign off... Write soon…I do miss you. Love Ben

 

2 January 2013 Wednesday

I am back to work at Washington on this cold, cold day. It was only 11 degrees this morning! The kids were ready to come back and I only had two absent but learned that one of my girls may be moving to Colorado at the end of the month.

After work, I went grocery shopping and bought stuff for my lunches now that I am back in the routine. When I took the dogs home saw that I had a letter from Kyle Foote.

 Charles Frost called me later to visit. He and Doug Lott had a quiet New Year’s mostly recovering from their bad colds they caught. A kid at school is sick and was coughing on me so I will probably catch something.

In the news the dreaded “Fiscal Cliff” was avoided at the last hour when the House of Representatives voted for the Senate’s bill. Only Orrin Hatch voted for the bill but no one else from Utah, even Jim Matheson did.

I had a pot pie and chicken soup for dinner and ate up the rest of the 7 layer bean dip I made last week and had given half to Mike Romero. I called his dad yesterday but no one answered. I hope his mother Faye is doing okay but probably not.

This is Kyle’s letter from December 30th.

“Dear Ben, I’m thrilled that you and the dogs got your presents in time for the holiday; hopefully it was a nice surprise. I was nervous that they may not get there until after Christmas. It’s nice to hear that the scarf I made for you is getting such good use and providing such comfort that was the intent. Perhaps you can take some pictures of yourself and the dogs enjoying your gifts?

 Speaking of pictures, I got some clarification on what’s allowed. You can include them in letters like you did at the end of your letter with Daisy and Buddy. There isn’t a size restriction just what ever will fit on the page in that letter.

My friend Brad Baker showed me a letter he got from his sister wherein she wrote a few lines of text, then a picture, then more text followed by another picture and so on. She included probably a dozen pictures in that letter. This should make things easier for you than having to print them on photo paper. Any photos you send would be appreciated.

It’s been about a month perhaps a little more since I applied to Ohio University’s college program for the incarcerated and you sent out my transcripts. Would you mind calling them for an update on my application and ask if they received all my transcripts? I authorized you on my application to speak with OU on my behalf so you shouldn’t have any difficulty having your questions answered.

I’m sure with the holidays things are taking longer this time of the year than usual. There’s no real rush on my part. I just want to make sure they are progressing. Ohio University’s # 740 593 2910.

 

Over the past year I’ve been doing quite a bit of journaling, writing and thinking all aimed at keeping a record of my time here as well as focusing my efforts at self-improvement. I’ve been thinking that it might be a good idea to share my efforts and my progress with some of my friends on a recurring basis through face book or a blog. My reason for this that I think it will be an additional way for me to take responsibility for my past, embrace my present, and prepare for my future. It would also act as a third party “record” holding me accountable for who I am and who I can be.

Perhaps since you have my computer you can reactivate my dormant face book page and transcribe posts for me? If not face book then perhaps a free blog site or something similar? What are your thoughts on this idea? I’m thinking it would be two or three hundred words every week or two.

Face book probably would be the best venue if you can set my page up and running we’d probably need to clean out my friend list a bit otherwise it would work. This would require your help so let me know your feelings.

I hope the remainder of your Christmas was pleasant and spent with friends. Mine turned out to be one of the best I’ve had in years. Despite my circumstances friends and good company surround me. I also have your love and support coupled with my generally positive outlook on life. I hope the hands full of holidays I’ll be spending in prison are as pleasant as this season has been.

 By the way, Yay for 20/12 vision! How nice to have your vision restored and be able to wear your dad’s sunglasses. Stay healthy and I’ll write again soon. With Love Kyle.

 

3 January 2013 Thursday

It is pitch dark out at 7 a.m. and 5 degrees outside.... poor critters of the field and air. Please don't keep you pets outside in this weather. The district has a policy to not send kids outside when the temperature is below 25 degrees so I guess it's another indoors recess this morning.

I wrote my niece Denise Wachs saying: I am still getting statements from Sallie Mae...when I made your payment last November you said you would take care of this and get me off their mailing list...what is going on? Your monthly payment is only $95.78 but it says here you owe $423.12 and past due is $287.34...They have added another $40 in late fees. You only owe $2,083. You could take out a loan for that much and pay this off... I can't be paying off your debts... and when you asked me to co-sign for you I never thought I'd have this much grief...”

She responded, “I have made three payments to department of education to take over loan and release u from this grief. I am truly sorry and am not doing this intentionally.”

I wrote Kyle Foote today,

“Dear Friend, I got your letter from December 30th yesterday after I mailed you a letter on the 1st so I guess you will get two letters this week and hope they aren’t redundant.

I will try to get a hold of Ohio University soon but they probably will be closed by the time I get home from work so will try to do it on Fridays when the kids leave early and I can do it while still at school.  It probably takes a while for the colleges to mail out the transcripts and then it probably takes a while for Ohio to process them.       

Thank you again for the scarf and blankets. They mean all the more to me knowing you made them.

I tried to get the dogs to be still long enough to get a picture of them. Looks like Coco got into the act.

Seth Anderson finally got a hold of me and we will meet this Saturday for coffee to go over ideas for the book he wants to write about Salt Lake.  I warned him that I can be pretty opinionated LOL

He and Michael Ferguson have been going back and forth texting in the Deseret Alphabet!  What geeks ha! Just right up my alley.

The Salt Lake Tribune chose Mormons Building Bridges to be the Persons of the Year which kind of raised eye brows in the community. So some Mormons put on white shirts and ties and marched in the Pride Parade last year and they are heroes? Oh brother.

If they really cared about the Gay community they would be demanding the Mormon Church change their policies on getting in the way of Gay Equality. Oh well. I’ve told Jim Dabakis and Charles Frost that if the damn General Authorities would get out of the way Mormon mothers would have this Gay issue solved in a heartbeat. Most mothers, not the Gayle Ruzicka crackpots, love their children and want them to stay together.

BTW did you know that one of Gayle Ruzicka’s daughters is a lesbian? Charles said she came up to him at one of his Dottie Dixon performances.

In the news Chris Vanocur got the sack from Channel 4 right before Christmas due to a buy out from another company. Lots of changes going on but I rarely watch the news any more except for The Daily Show LOL

I am glad you are journaling. By putting your thoughts and actions down on paper it makes you actually consider the consequences of what you are doing with your life. If you are truthful it’s almost impossible to do deeds that are harmful to other.

 I’ve kept a journal consistently since 1971 and even have one from 1968 when I was 16 and 17 years old and a Junior and Senior in High School.  I have kept all your letters that you have written me. I had planned to give them back to you some day.          I am not sure how I feel about you posting on your Face book Account. There are a lot of people who still feel hurt and betrayed by you, projecting one image to some people and another image to others. But If you are sincere and truly trying to come to terms with where you are now and how you got there and how you hope to be a better man it may be a good thing.

However I won’t be like I was when you went to jail in November 2010 and try to cover up for you.  It wasn’t healthy for either of us and I don’t think you could have had a very high opinion of me that I was willing to lie for you.

But I have no problem writing what you want on your FB account as long as I feel you aren’t using it to manipulate others. What does your therapist think?  Who would you want on Face book reading your posts? Who do you consider true friends? As it is you have only about 20 friends still on your face book page. But if you truly think it will be an additional way for you to take responsibility for your past, “embrace your present”, and prepare for your future I will do this for you.

If I get any responses or comments I will forward them to you too. If you do decide to go ahead with this I will send you the names of the people that are on your Friends list.  

I am very happy you had a wonderful Christmas…and you are making the best of the situation you find yourself in.  Mine was so-so just glad the holidays are over.

It’s been so cold here the past few days. In the low 20’s and in the single digits at night. The kids can’t even go out for recess when it’s this cold.

I just keep making the soups, clam chowder, chicken noodle, chili and giving it away. I guess I shouldn’t talk about food…

I hope you spent some of your Christmas money on yourself. Making sure your belly was content was my pleasure when you were here. 

Well I guess we avoided the “Fiscal Cliff” …damn Congress… it’s like they have to put a gun up to their head and threaten to kill themselves to get anything done.

I am digging out my birth certificate because I have to renew my driver’s license this April. With all the crap they make you bring in now it ridiculous but oh well what can you do?        

Well I hope to have more news later. I really don’t like January and I don’t get out much... you know me just an old mama bear… It’s cold and depressing and I wish you were here to have long talks with again, get into fights with again, feed you, and hug and hold you. Well I have the memories… and your smile still makes me smile. 

Be good. Love from Ben, Daisy, and Buddy always

 

4 January 2013 Friday

How come Coco, Buddy, and Daisy get to sleep in and curl up in bed on this cold wintry morning and I don't? Life is so unfair... Ugh.... well at least I will get a king's welcome when I come back home.

Eight degrees this morning but Woodruff is minus 25....brrr it's freezing in Zion. Another extremely cold day with bad air. It only got up to 16 degrees today so the kids were in all day. I learned this week that two of my students may be moving so I will be down to 18!

After school I deposited a $300 check in Horizons and withdrew $40 for a massage tomorrow from Patrick Ryan. He has such strong hands and gets all the right spots...

At home cleaned house a little because Doug Lott is coming over tomorrow to put in my garbage disposal.

In the news 200 missionaries in Provo are sick with some stomach virus. So something is going around.

I need to start getting my documents together to renew my driver’s license in April. Bunch of crap needing birth certificates and all. I have been driving since 1968.

 I took Coco home and gave Michael Romero a jar of spaghetti sauce I made and then watched Luciano Visconti’s “The Damned”. I had forgotten how good it is.

 

5 January 2013 Saturday

Great day so far...I Met with Michael Adam Ferguson and Seth Anderson for coffee and tea at the Salt Lake Roasting Company this morning at 10 to discuss collaborating on writing a Brief History of Utah's Gay community. Later I sent 4000 pages of Gay history I compiled off to them. Was that a bit excessive? I didn't want to send my whole collection yet...

 

Then Doug Lott came over and installed 3/4 horse power garbage disposal for me! Actually the instructions call it a disposer! LOL So I made a batch of snicker doodles, Swedish meatballs and noodles to send home with him including some clam chowder I made on New Year’s...

In the evening about 6 I went and had another massage done by Patrick Ryan for $40. Well worth it.

Gasoline is $2.75 at the Maverick on 17th South and 3rd West for anyone driving around in that area. Cheapest I've seen. Most places are like $2.89 to $3.00. Nice to see the gas prices finally come down. In November I was paying $3.65!

 

6 January 2013 Sunday

I have to say Daisy isn't dumb...she wants to stay outside but she's sitting on the Hot Tub Cover which I imagine is nice and cozy since the water is 104 degrees however her fat butt in making dents in the cover.... I tell her to get off but she won't budge and dares me to go out in the 18 degree weather.

I turned my house upside down to find my birth certificate but I finally did! I have to renew my driver’s license in April so thought I better start getting the paper work together... absolutely ridiculous. Been driving since I was 16 and now I have to prove I am an American?

I received this letter from Kyle Foote:

“Dear Ben, It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon here in Gunnison Valley as I sit down to write this letter to you. I think the temperature is 5 degrees today which is a big improvement to all the below zero days we’ve been having. Needless to say, I haven’t been going out to the yard lately and won’t until things warm up dramatically.

The only reason I am outside now is to walk to and from work which is about ¼ mile away in another building. The walk is very pleasant when the weather is nice; lately it has not been pleasant. Although I will say this is a beautiful valley with amazing views, bad weather and cold temperatures notwithstanding.

I am sitting across the table from my friend Jeff Kitchen I told you about. He’s writing to his family as well. He and I frequently sit and write together, he’s even kind enough to share his CD player and music collection with me while we write. Fortunately he and I have very similar music tastes, right now were’ listening to Enya, earlier it was John Denver and the soundtrack from the movie “the Man from Snowy River” and the musical “Next to Normal”.

I would consider buying a CG player and some CDs as well if I knew I wasn’t going to be moved anytime soon. You can’t take them with you if you are moved to a county jail and have to send them home. Jeff doesn’t have to worry about being moved like I do so it’s not a bad investment for him.

While I’m thinking about it I have shared your address with a few of my friends, specifically Brad Baker, my Gay friend, Todd Mulliner, my Republican friend,  and Jeff Kitchen, my intellectual friend, in case I am moved. I won’t be able to write them directly if I’m moved but I’d like to be able to stay in touch with them in the future in case I am moved. They’ve shared family addresses with me as well. You would like all of these guys with the possible exception of Todd and you’d probably fall in love with Brad. Mainly I’m just giving you a heads up, the only reason they will write you is if one of us is moved and they want to get a message to me.”

 

7 January 2013 Monday

The Air quality is 50 points higher then what EPA allows for fine particulates so no children are allowed outside... Indoor recess all day... In California we called it smog. In Utah it's illegal to call it smog ... It has to be called haze...Ugh and it’s so cold! 18 degrees!

Samuel Holdaway canceled our date and I am just as glad because I would have had to drive all the way to Holiday to pick him up, take him back here, and then to his home in Murray and I was really not feeling up to it. Even for a good fuck.

             

8 January 2013 Tuesday

Forty years ago, I took an 18 hour bus trip from Southern California to Provo. I had a suitcase, a pillow, and an admission to BYU and that's all. Didn't have a place to live...didn’t know a soul...but had adventure in my own soul...

I should have known I'd never be accepted in Utah when upon walking two miles from the Provo Bus station to BYU. The first thing I heard when standing in line to register was that my hair was too long...

My sister Charline Wachs commented- “But you did make a place for yourself and all that came after you found a place where they could be accepted for who they are”. That is so true.

Well I must have needed to catch up on sleep or something is going around. This boy in my class fell sound asleep after lunch and slept for 45 minutes at his desk before I gently woke him and had him go lie down in the sick room. He said he was just really tired.

After I came from taking Coco home, I ate some supper and then promptly fell asleep at 6:30 until 6 this morning...I woke up for a little bit around 9 pm but fell back to sleep...I think this frigid weather of snow and smog and temperature in the teens takes a toll on our bodies especially at my age.

Not a very productive evening. This guy off of Face book named Loki was flirting with me. I wish he had a picture.

             

9 January 2013 Wednesday

I am feeling a lot more rested today. However another student fell asleep in class this morning and is in a stupor like sleep. I must be really boring or something is going around... One student did go home with a bad stomach ache and one is home with the croup... Knock on wood I am still well but have no energy when I get home to do much but eat and sleep.

In the late 1980's I had an answering machine that used a cassette tape and occasionally it would record conversations and not just record messages. On one tape I saved a phone call between John Cunningham and myself. Since today would have been his 62nd birthday had he not committed suicide in 2007? I have been feeling a bit nostalgic listening to his sweet, sweet voice. It’s all I have of him except memories of us being 18 and ready to explore life.

I posted on FB two things that Grandma Johnson wrote that I found in her things- “My grandma Johnson, out on the farm in West Texas, wrote little inspirational thoughts that she would often send in to the Messenger, a Church of Christ national newsletter. There's no date on this clipping entitled "HOME" (Sent in Personal Letter from Sister J.W. Johnson, Littlefield, Texas) Home should be as nearly like heaven as we can make it. "Be it ever so humble There's no place like home" A home where there is a father's love, a mother's smile, a brother's welcome, a sister's embrace. It is grander than a king's palace- it stands at the end of our day's labor.

Heaven itself is the home we are striving to gain. It is a home that awaits us after this life beyond the grave. There the friendships formed on earth which cruel death has severed, are united, nevermore to be broken.

Why should we worry over temporal things of this earth? Jesus teaches us to lay up treasures in heaven. Are we laying up our treasures there?

We also find in His word-"Seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness", and other things will be added.

I fear we don't always seek God's will in everything we do. Them, there is that sweet verse which teaches us to lay all cares on Him for He careth for us.

A home is not complete without a good foundation. Let that foundation be Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Let's center our thoughts on heaven. Heaven should be our goal, for there we will be happy.”

I also found thus: “I would rather have one pleasant word in kindness said to me Then flattery when my heart is still and life has ceased to be. I'd rather have a loving smile from friends I know are true Than tears shed around my casket when I've bid this world adieu So bring me all your flowers today Pink, Yellow, white or red I'd rather have one blossom now than a truck load when I've dead” It’s a poem I found in my Grandma Johnson's things in her own handwriting. I believe it is from a poem called Flowers Today which for it sure was her sentiment.

 

10 January 2013 Thursday

It was nice this morning nearly 45 degrees and then about 2 it started snowing in Bountiful. I left as soon as I could to avoid traffic. I left at 3:30 to beat traffic but taking Coco home was a little scary. It was a white out conditions here in West Pointe....be careful everyone... I dread thinking I will have to shovel tomorrow morning to get out.  Mike Romero lives on about 4th West and about 4th North...not too far really just 9th west has crazies on it all the time.

I'm making a kettle of homemade chicken soup for this wintry evening. I just was able yesterday to clean off the ice off the deck and got the tub ready to use and here comes the snow again! I haven't used it since New Year’s Day!

When I bought this house I chose a corner lot because I didn't want to be boxed in by neighbors...what I didn't reckon with is that I have 100 feet of sidewalks to shovel when it snows plus the drive way and now I have a 30 foot deck that needs shoveling as well as the deck around the hot tub...

I just got in from shoveling for 45 minutes 4 inches of snow... I wanted to get that layer up before it freezes...they say another 6 inches by morning so I got my snow shovel ready to clear the driveway to go to work.... It’s a really pretty snow but I am sick of it...Oh the joys of home ownership and living alone.

I taught 7 subjects to low achieving 5th graders, made a pot of chicken noodle soup, shoveled 100 feet of snow, cranked out 1200 words for a history column for the Q Salt Lake...I'd say it was a pretty productive day for a 61 year old fat man. Now Buddy is saying come on old man let's hit the hay.

Seth Bracken emailed me about an article due for the Q Salt Lake. He didn't remind me last week so I guess I have to crank one out tonight.

Charles Frost and I got in a conversation about various topics after worrying about Doug Lott getting home safely from work.

Charles Frost wrote that his husband Doug Lott was still out in the storm. “I fear he's coming on I-80 now, which KSL just said was horrible, possibly going to be closed. Parley's Canyon closed one way, down to 1 lane the other. God, how it hits so hard. I'm weary of it all. I like that the snow will clean out the Inversion, however January is my most difficult month for sure.”

I wrote back, “It’s like white out over here now... Doug's a good driver but I worry about the other idiots texting and talking on the phone or driving 70 because they are in a SUV.”

Charles Frost then said “SOOO... WHAT was that all about with Jon Jepson and Chuck Whyte and the Kristen Reis Award? God such drama over minutia!!”

I responded, “Jon sent out a request for a Kristen Ries Award meeting.” And Charles said, “Jon Jepson will be very good at pretending he is taking ideas and notes and listening, then Valerie Larabee will still do it her way. YOU have her worried.

I said, “Chuck is the one who should worry her...he's furious about how the Kristen Ries Award is being handled... if I had my way I'd make Valerie Larabee account for all the votes she received last year...still think she stole it.”

Charles: Well she did. She needed it. She needs to wrap CERTAIN THINGS up before some huge National organization sweeps her away.” I said, “Please do... take her away...”

Charles: Would be nice. Would be indeed. I would love an interview with someone, if she left, just to set the record straight!!” I added, “Well if she keeps blowing money on stupid fundraisers perhaps the Board will wise up...I personally think her idea of Taj mahal Pride Center over on 4th South will be a fiscal nightmare.”

Charles commented back, “My God! The most dysfunctional community center in the world. I personally feel it will never really happen.” I agreed and said, “I don't either...the funding isn’t there or why do we need such a huge space?”

Charles Frost answered, “Beano Solomon is transitioning her life and her interests to Vegas, where she now has TWO homes. I have been told that she will be selling and leaving Park City home soon. Once she leaves, her interest and $$$ will go with her. Valerie Larabee has been so stupid in all of this. She is trying to divert attention from the failure and pace of it all, with all this other drama/shit.”

Then the subjected turned to Michael Aaron’s nudist group. Charles asked, “Do you go to UMEN?” and I said on occasion so Charles asked, “Are you a nudist?” and I responded, “Hell no... I am just naked at home and in the hot tub...I just don't like restrictive clothing...I'd wear a muumuu if I could.” That made Charles laugh and then Charles asked “Are you a slut? Here goes your 21 Question's.”

I responded, “I’ m not SLUT I am just POPULAR. Willy Marshall taught me to say “popular” instead of “slut” because all the really popular girls in High School were slutty. Although I wouldn't be oppose to someone having their dick up my ass all the time….”

Charles Frost commented “Well...you can't shake the slut tree and hope a husband will fall out.” And I said “True but there ain't no husband tree either. The odds are in my favor to find sluts at my age then a husband.” That made Charles laugh but he said “There are many out there, and you seem to find them. Which is good on you.”

I responded, “I can still catch the eye of a few but like Theda Beara sang in the Bear Country Jamboree "ALL THE BOYS THAT TURN ME ON TURN ME DOWN"

 

11 January 2013 Friday

After being up at 5 this morning and going out at 5:30 to shovel the driveway and sidewalks again, I get a call at 6:30 that Davis School District is closed on account of the snow fall! It must have been hammered up there because they NEVER have a snow day. This is the 1st time in over 10 years I can remember them closing school for snow. We had 6 inches overnight...so glad I shoveled before going to bed...so we had close to a foot since 3 pm yesterday.

Poor lonely hot tub hasn't been used in 10 days too cold! Not the hot tub. it's 104 degrees...

I left the house at 10 to go to the downtown Social Security office this morning to get a replacement card so I can have it when I need to renew my driver’s license...the roads don't even look like they have been plowed... Lots of slush.

It started snowing after leaving the Social Security Office downtown...I parked at the library but it was dicey getting up the ramp...lot of homeless huddled around the library...Salt Lake City has not plowed at all... 5th South was terrible as was 3rd West...Redwood Road is all snow packed...I can see not getting to side streets but main arteries?

I got home in one piece and am making stew...its stew weather for sure but I got a bucket of Chicken soup to finish too...I'm not hungry just feel the need to be cooking something...

In the evening I curled up in the movie room and watched two movies “The Naked City” and “Girls Will Be Girls” a drag movie. I Went to bed about 10:00 and snow is still falling.

 

12 January 2013 Saturday

It’s a Snowy day...high of 18 degrees low 5 degrees...I've got chicken noodle soup, beef stew, and stroganoff in the icebox. I am not leaving the house today but will have to put on snow boots and dig out again... The reason Salt Lakers are bitching is because we usually never get this much snow over several days.

I Shoveled a path for the dogs to go in and out the doggie door and down the steps and when I went to do the front sidewalk some angel had cleared it for me! whoo hoo! So I only have to do the driveway and that can wait...

So I am making pancakes from scratch since I am out of the box mix. Daisy, Buddy and I will have a nice breakfast of pancakes and sausages this wintry morning...

I was Looking all over for my pups before finding them hanging out in the bathroom... Buddy has to be where ever sister is and at the moment Sister is in the tub... She likes it there ... Weirdo.

I spent about 8 hours today typing up excerpts from my journal from last year that mention Charles Frost. I called it 2012 “My Year With Charles: Conversations with Charles Lynn Frost.” ” Not to be read until we are both dead… because people would kill us.

13 January 2013 Sunday

Wow it warmed up to 14 degrees today! Sounds like everyone is staying in and doing laundry LOL I hope no idiots are keeping their pets outside in this weather...Such a cold day I never left the house. Daisy and Buddy are curled up on the bed. This is where all your doggies and kitties should be this night as it drops to -2 degrees... If the water bowl freezes bring your critters in or you are an in humane idiot and should be fined.

            On Capitol Hill Crooked Utah Attorney General John Swallow praised the work of Utah Eagle Forum leader Gayle Ruzicka, predicting at the group’s convention yesterday that “when she passes, she’ll be going straight to the Celestial Kingdom.” That is the highest level of heaven that Mormons can reach. No separation of Church and State in Utah!

The wife of Kyle Foote’s Mission President wrote me; “Ben, Thank you so much for letting us know.  What a shocker!  I last saw Kyle over a year ago at the Sugarhouse Mkt.  We had a great visit.  I tried to find him at the market this year, but he obviously wasn't there.  And another time I tried to email him, with no success.  As I googled him now, the last record of arrest I find is Dec. 2011, a year ago.  Is he at the Gunnison Correctional facility on that charge or another?  When was he assigned there?  Does he have a release date? Does he want to hear from me?  Just wondering if he gave you my contact information. Again, thank you so much for letting me know.  Let me know if you know of any way for me to help Kyle. Deirdre Paulsen”

I wrote back: “Kyle was arrested for violation of his parole and for forgery a year ago December. He had lived with me for a year prior to his arrest. He was incarcerated at Beaver County Jail until last July and then transferred to Gunnison. He is sentenced to a five year prison term for security fraud...

            Kyle only started writing me again last October. At first he did not want to hear from anyone. He had talked to me about you before he went to prison. I have his laptop and access to his email accounts.

When I was deleting all the spam I came across an email from you.  I think he is trying to reach out again to people.  I love Kyle very much but know that he has a tough road ahead of him... he can be very charming which is what got him trouble in the first place... he has this mania for being a business man but he hadn't had any empathy for the people he hurt. Immediate gratification. 

He stole my credit cards and stuck me with $20,000 worth of debt although I never pressed charges against him...he owes others $300,000 so mine would not added anything to his sentence. 

            His sister Jamie and I have kept in touch but he says she has not written him since September... Most of his family has written him off for hurt he has done them.

I send him letters of encouragement and am helping him get into a correspondents program for college.  I care deeply for Kyle but know he can be manipulative telling people what they want to hear...  I have the few things he left behind. Ben Williams”

Deirdre wrote: “Ben, Wow, thanks for letting me know.  I'm so sorry that he hurt you and commend you for sending him letters of encouragement.  Getting him into a correspondents program so he could one day graduate from college would be excellent.  Obviously he has the intelligence. I don't know what has spurred his need for immediate gratification.  And I don't know how to account for his lack of empathy for those he has hurt.  He served a good mission and obeyed mission rules as far as I know.  He helped me out a lot by planning and organizing Christmas programs in prominent public places as a way to do missionary work.  He was great to work with.  And he stayed in touch with me after the mission; one time calling me on Mother's Day which I thought was very sweet since his mother had passed away.  We went to lunch a couple of years ago and he shared some of his dreams . . . but not his tragedies. Thanks.  And I'd appreciate any updates.  I'll write him . . . once I figure out what to say. . Best, Deirdre”

 

14 January 2013 Monday

Today is the Coldest day I can ever remember in Utah. On the way to work my car temp gage registered -2 degrees by the Jordan River coldest I've ever felt it here in Utah. It's 0 degrees now in Bountiful. It only got up to 12 degrees. Carbo loading on this 12 degree day... I had a Baked potato smothered with broccoli, mushrooms, onions, butter and cheese for dinner …yummy. MY official birth certificate came in the mail. That was super-fast. I just ordered it last week.

 “Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 9:20:15 PM Subject: Dr Kristen Ries Committee Mtg Hi guys, Thank you for showing interest in meeting to discuss the Dr Kristen Ries Community Service Award. Based on feedback from you, this coming Saturday (Jan 19) at 10am will be the best time to meet. I have arranged for some space at the Utah Pride Center.  We will discuss the guidelines and concerns you may have regarding the award. Valerie and I will be present and hopefully we can keep the meeting at about an hour. I am excited to meet, hear from you, and report what we are doing.  Our call and press release for nominees will go at the beginning of February. If there are other past award recipients that would like to be part of this, please invite them and bring them along. Thank you for your ongoing contributions to the community. You are an inspiring group. Yours truly, Jon Jepsen Utah Pride Center, Vice-President”

 

15 January 2013 Tuesday

Dottie Dixon is in rare form on X96 this morning, which I listened to as I was getting ready for school.

It only got up to 18 degrees so the kids couldn’t go out and I was so worn out that I didn’t do anything after coming home but taking Coco home and feeding the dogs and myself.

I watched a little Hulu but mainly John Stewart and then was in bed by 9 pm.

Some kid on Adam4Adam said that if I bought a bag of marijuana for $20 from him he’d come over and smoke it and have sex with me. Hahahaha! Tempting but no thank you.

Haven’t heard anything from Kyle in two weeks.  I noticed that Valerie Larabee is one of the presenters at this week’s SAGE meeting on relationships so I messengered Charles and wrote: “What does Valerie know about enduring relationships? Didn't she just get hitched?” Charles Frost responded, “she did. honey.” I replied, “So now she's an expert?”

           

16 January 2013 Wednesday

Finally it got over 20 degrees, so kids could not go outside for recesses. Ugh we were all just dying being cooped up together.

 

I talked to Charles Frost while taking Coco home and he said that Brandi Balken and Valerie Larabee both were talking about me at this Equality Utah meeting. ha! Valerie kept referring to me to Charles as “your friend”… I suppose I am “he that cannot be named” ha!

Well I am glad they are scared of someone in this community to keep them on their toes. There’s a Kristen Ries Award meeting this Saturday and I am taking Chuck to it. He will really be pissed when finds out that Valerie is canceling the VIP passes for past recipients.

            I made Doug Lott an apple cobbler to give to him tomorrow at the SAGE “Ask the Elders” event. I am supposed to pick up some tickets to an exhibit at the Leonardo Center from Michael Aaron also tomorrow.

President Obama made a speech on setting a gun control policy and the NRA went ballistic. Assholes. Weapon manufacturers are raking in obscene profits pandering to the paranoid.... all because we have a black president.

Sometimes you just got to sit down and pay some bills... but only after making an apple cobbler so the house smells good.

Seth Anderson wrote me, “Hey Ben. My class at the u this semester is a research seminar and I want to do something about Mormons and homosexuality (of course, that's what interests me.) I've thought of a few topics but they could be better. Do you think the changing view from the 70s and 80s to now about gay identity within a traditional LDS family would be interesting? That's kind of broad and I'm trying to home in on something stronger. Any recommendations?”

I wrote back, “I think it would be hard to quantify the views of LDS families unless you do a lot of research but could be done... I know some LDS families from the 1980's like Lucille Johnston who started an LDS type PFLAG called “People Who Care” and then there are the Watts family...they might give you more contacts... There's also always the transition from an activist driven community of the 70's and early 80's to an organizational driven community of volunteers to the evolution to a professional driven community of today

There's the Lesbian Separatist movement of the 1970's with women Aware, 20 Jacob Rue, OWL's and the transition from just “Gay” to “Gay and Lesbian”...

Seth Anderson responded, “That's interesting, about the activism. I do like that. Would there be enough sources I could find? I like that topic because it leaves a lot of room to address the implications of the professional driven community. I'm gonna mull that over. I like it.”  I answered him saying “Should be tons in my files and people are still around.”

I then wrote Charles Frost saying: “Tell Doug I got a homemade apple cobbler ready for him. I wish I could have baked it tomorrow so it would be hot but realized I have to get some blood drawn right after work for my Doctor’s appointment on Friday so I wouldn't have time before the SAGE deal.”  Then I received a message from Deirdre Paulsen about Kyle Foote’s situation. She wrote: “I agree with everything you say . . . but I'm not sure the early death of his parents is causative.  They were both alive when he arrived in the mission, so he wasn't that young.  His father died during the mission, his mother soon after he arrived home. 

I agree that he wants to be loved . . . and to feel important. I'm glad he built you the deck and knitted you a muffler and blankets for your dogs.  I had another missionary, imprisoned in a federal prison in California, who knit me a muffler and a hat.  I really treasure those items. Kyle's deceptions were really grandiose.  I think people invested with him because they didn't think anyone could make up such a scam. 

Sorry about your money and Kyle's breaking of trust with you. I do hope that Kyle's in counseling.  What do you teach by the way?  I did my student teaching in English in Payson.  . .but have taught composition and rhetoric courses as well as folklore courses since, mostly at BYU but one year at SLCC.  Love teaching . . . I’m close to retiring and it will be difficult to suddenly stop. Please stay in touch, Deirdre”

I responded to her writing, “I have a dual certificate but I've always taught elementary school mainly upper grades. I teach now in Bountiful and am a couple of years away from retiring too.

I have so many mixed feelings about Kyle... I know now he was deceptive on many levels...lying about just the most mundane and simple things...it seems like it was almost a game to him....ever person he knew...knew a different side of Kyle...the one he wanted them to know...

Even living with him for a year, I was so shocked that I knew so little what was going on in my own house while I was at work...

Still there was a loving caring part of Kyle and that is what I mainly choose to remember. I've send him a small amount of money every month so he can buy hygiene products, books, and occasional treats.  I know Kyle is where he needs to be and I hope he is getting some type of treatment to address his self-defeating compulsions.

I understand Kyle was a young man when his parents died but I think he didn't have any family connection after that since he was the youngest and his siblings were dealing with their own lives...

I am probably just projecting because I had the support of my own parents all my life until their passing a few years ago... I think being cut loose in the world at such a young age would be challenging but I may just be making excuses.

            My best friend growing up lost both his parents by the time he was 23 and never spent a life of crime and deceit.  Probably I think of Kyle as a kid that I could have taught in school and therefore too forgiving.”

 

17 January 2013 Thursday

I left school right after the kids left so I could get down to the Redwood Road U of U Clinic to get some blood work done. They are taking blood now from my hand instead of my arm rather than try to find a good vein in my arm. Well I guess it’s better than being poked with a needle several times.

I had a great time at SAGE's Ask the Elders tonight...There was a good turn out and a nice mix of young and old and even some straights. People should come more often because Charles Frost puts on a good program.

           

18 January 2013 Friday

I had my doctor appointment today with Dr. Stoneburner. While waiting I messengered back and forth with Charles Frost over things I overheard at the Pride Center while waiting for the SAGE event to begin.

I was 2 hours at the doctor’s office and even though my appointment was at 8:40 it was after 10:15 that I actually saw him.

I felt great I was just there for a checkup. He said all my stuff seem normal. I weighed in at 254 so I didn’t lose any weight over the holidays but I didn’t gain any either.

I went back to school at 11:00 to get ready for the Maturation Program. Even though I was on my own time I wanted to be there for the boys. The presenter was pretty good but there were these three immature boys who giggle so loudly at the most inappropriate times that I was really embarrassed. I went right home after it was over.

My social security card came in the mail today. That was fast. It was only a week and they said it would be 2 to 3 weeks. I am impressed. Now I have all my documents to get my driver’s license in April.

Utah's newest tea-bagger idiot Congressman Chris Stewart who is my Representative said, "it was "unacceptable" for the president to use executive orders to enact some new measures, including tougher penalties for lying on background checks to obtain weapons." Damn you assholes who voted for him and Damn you Mormon Republicans who gerrymandered this state so Salt Lake City can never have a voice that represents us.

I wrote Charles Frost this morning while waiting at the doctor clinic, “I was sitting in the marmalade Coffee waiting for the SAGE event to begin and a group of ugly Trannies were sitting around this table...really they looked like a cauldron of witches with frizzed out gray hair (a little lip gloss would do these ladies a world of good) ...any way I hear them talking about estrogen shots blah, blah, blah and then I hear them saying "They took over OUR meeting room so we don't have a place to meet tonight"... I thought you dumb fuckers you were having a meeting right there in the coffee shop for all the world to hear so what is your gripe? LOL So SAGE I suppose is on the Trannies shit list. Is Tranny correct? Or is it “differently gendered”? I can't keep up.

Charles Frost replied, “They went to the Middle Meeting Room. THEY had a room. They are the MOST BIZARRE group of people. Adult Trans Group last night. TRANS is the PC, but everyone uses Tranny, even them. So I say unless you practice your own rule, then don't expect the rest of the world to be PC, particularly Princess Kennedy--she screams Tranny every chance she gets.

The Younger people in this movement are so, so unaware of what and who and how they got to where we are. I am at a point where a lot of things are leaving my plate and efforts, and I am only focusing on those events, programs, and people that are worth my time and energy. It sure as fuck ain't queer youth or TRANS. They need their own movement.

Did you get names by chance of who the ranting uglies were? Please do from now on; I want to confront the TRANS leadership with that sort of blaming and shaming they spout out.”

I answered, “I didn't hear any names just tall ugly women lol oh let them bitch they seem miserable enough... I have yet to encounter a sweet Tranny... I'd like to meet one... Do you know any lol?”

Charles said, “Makayla Barandy, Check her out on my FB page. Full transition, surgery, gorgeous, and sweet as anyone could be. Other than that--FUCK NO! Hope you are doing okay. Wanna soak today? I can bring Chinese and Sake. Or maybe Sunday if The Cowboy is up to it. I am also off Monday for MLK Jr Day are you?”

I commented: “I am at the doctors waiting ... Took today off but said I'd come in for the boys maturation today. I will be home by two if you want to soak this afternoon I am off Monday too. Did Doug take his cobbler to work?”

Charles said, “He ate some last night, and some this morning before he left. He liked it (last night anyway). I was asleep when he left this morning at 6. He is exhausted, and I feel so bad for him. That fucking Suburban Propane is working all their drivers into the ground. There is gonna be a bit revolt and blow up at their team meeting this next Tuesday. SHIT is gonna hit the fan. He will survive, he always does. Winters, especially really cold ones, are good for the paycheck, but terrible for the drivers.”

I responded, “I talked to him last night about whether the money is really worth it if it keeps you from enjoying time at home... I said unless he needs the money for bills quality time with you and resting is every bit as important. He agreed said he was getting to old for this 5 day a week gig.” 

Charles said, “I hope he adjusts. He promised me last night to ONLY do 10 hour days, when they demand all driver do 5 days. He said he would. We shall see. Sweetie, I am not going to be able to commit to hot tub and food & wine today after all. I apologize. Talked with Doug for the last half hour and he is not doing well. I need to be home early and take care of him today. Perhaps a soak on Monday is better timing.

Please don't share this with anyone, he is very stressed and needs some really gentle time by himself and with the two of us, which I am going to kick in and provide. We talked for over an hour, which is very unusual for him while he's at work. He's stressed and very upset--as are all the drivers.

The fucking manager is killing them off, with drivers threatening to quit. They ALL come to Doug and complain too, since has the most seniority, and they trust him so. He takes upon himself all his work stress, as well as theirs.

I listened a lot and told him he needed to let them speak and be their own voices. Rob, the manager at Suburban is such an asshole. He doesn't realize he is killing his Goose that lays Golden Eggs. Doug and I talked about releasing, working ONLY 10 hour days, and him focusing on ONLY those things he can change at his workplace.

He and I are in the same boat. I am letting go of a lot here at Utah Pride Center. I will only be doing the barest of essentials, until things change, which I do not think they ever will. Until the leadership changes, this workplace won't be changing for the better. This saddens me; I think I will be looking for another place of employment in the near future. Please don't put this in your journal!! LOL.

 Talk to you later today, once I am off work, I will give you a call. Okay. Hope your Dr's appt. went well and that you had good news. You looked very good last night btw at the ATE, slimmer and fitter than I have ever seen you. Many commented saying the same thing.”

I made no promises and said, “You take care of each other that is the most important thing you can do... Warm up some cobbler for him. love you both and PS Valerie Larabee did not look well last night her left eye kept turning inward ... I did know that I made Jerry Buie and her nervous because they kept looking at me all evening... Take care stay warm.”

Charles said, “I think she is pre-dementia sweetie. I really do. She said she wasn't tired, but today she is sick and exhausted. Remind me to tell you about a story over the weekend.”

This is a Conversation I had with Seth Anderson about writing a thesis about Gay Salt Lake. He said, “Would you say I'm on the right track with this? I'm pulling from memory some things we talked about at the coffee shop. So far this is 50 words over my max, so I need to cut, but are my assertions factually correct?

Gay Liberation came to Salt Lake City in October 1969, just 4 months after the Stonewall Riots in New York, which is considered to be the impetus for the Gay Rights Movement in the United States.

In Salt Lake City, men and women without formal training or financial backing rose to the task of becoming activists. These early grass roots activists helped to unite and galvanize the closeted gay community in town. These groups formed networks and coalitions that began to make their voices heard, demanding equality under the law. These activists planned the first marches and protests and published newsletters to share stories and connect with one another.

Throughout the 1970s these grass roots organizations were led primarily by men and served a mostly male contingency. The AIDS epidemic of the 80s significantly altered the organizational hierarchy of the Gay Rights movement in Salt Lake. Many men did not have access to professional healthcare and few doctors or pharmacies in Salt Lake would treat them or provide any medication. Men who had been leaders in the community began to die from the disease.

During this time the lesbian community stepped in to care for these men. Consequently, after the men they cared for died, the women filled vacancies left in leadership positions in the LGBT activist community. I argue that this shift to primarily women leaders has remained the norm in Salt Lake.

During this same time the gay rights movement in Salt Lake evolved in the mid-1980s from grass roots activists to an organizational driven community of volunteers and eventually to salaried activist positions today. As a result of this organizational shift towards paid positions, the urgency and necessity for a younger LGBT-identifying generation to be involved in the Gay Rights movement at the grass roots level as activists has decreased.”

I wrote him back, “You are on the right track...the 1970's was an explosion of organizations- the Royal Court, Gay Student Union, MCC, Affirmation, bars, etc. none that existed in the 60's. Burn out and a series of murders especially Tony Adams dampened Gay Activism at the end of the disco era.

The early 80's was a new backlash...ERA was defeated, the Moral Majority became a political force, Ronald Reagan conservatives took over the Republican Party especially in Utah which began the death knell of the Democratic party and progressives who would have been Gay allies...

.LGSU produced a series of activists, David Nelson, Michael Aaron, Graham Bell who replaced the burned out activists of the 70's...they however were interested in social issues and politics affecting Gay people rather than organization building...

The Royal Court was at its height of influence and basically ran the community or what was left of it.

In mid-80's AIDS entered the community and for the next 10 years was the dominating force in the community and community building began again...old organizations were revitalize and new ones were created. The former activists lost influence because they could not build consensus once the community council was created in 1986....

The community council ran the community for almost the next 10 years, which was an all-volunteer organization... all projects like Pride Day, the Anti Violence project were ran by volunteers accountable to the council.

In 1985 Gay people founded the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation and the Utah AIDS Project which for the next 5 years was ran by volunteers even the directors...all funding went to information and services In 1989 David Sharpton founded the PWCA ...

By the early 1990's some people in the community started drawing a small salary due to full time work in organizations like the Utah Stonewall Center and Utah AIDS Foundation...by mid-1990's boards had been established that began to pay directors of organizations to make them "professional"... Many formerly volunteer organizations now were requiring licenses and degrees...The grassroots era was over by the 2000's.

Jim Dabakis was instrumental in ushering in the concept of professionalism when he started up the Pride Center, after the demise of the Stonewall Center, and Equality Utah... Now all major organizations in Utah are professional with volunteerism taking a back seat... The Era of the Paid Gay is firmly entrenched... I am one of the few throw backs to an earlier era...I have never taken a dime from this community for years of service in Unconditional Support, Beyond Stonewall, 7 years on KRCL or any of my writings, especially the 9 years I have been writing for Michael Aaron. It’s a different time.

I will send you a lengthy article the Tribune printed on Gay activism in the early 90's that mentioned all the old movers and shakers from that time. I would say that the activists of the 1970's were not demanding equality as understood today as much as protesting injustice and anti-Gay attitudes... in the 70's it was more like "leave us alone" let us live without being persecuted.

We gathered together because there was safety in numbers...Salt Lake City definitely had its Gay ghetto where Gays choose to live... the avenues were all hippies and communes so Gays went there and the University area was Gay friendly in the 70's and of course the single room apartments downtown were Gay havens. Gays lived pretty much in this area spreading out to the Westminster area in the 80's...Westminster was a dump back then painted lime green and almost abandoned.

The 80's was when Gays entrenched themselves with very little political activism except to protest AIDS discrimination laws... little push back because the state was looking for a reason to round us up as a health issue.

The 1990's Political activism was renewed with the Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats which became a powerhouse in the almost insignificant Democratic Party however people listened.

Activist Rocky O'Donovan pushed the first anti-discrimination at the U of U... Queer Nation was scaring everyone especially conservative Gays making GLUD look reasonable... A Hate Law Bill was introduced and defeated all through the 90's...

In the 80's Joy Beech was the nemesis of Gays then in the 90's Gayle Ruzicka took over that role... GLUD disbanded at the end of the 90's but Biskupski was elected in 1999 the first openly Gay person to serve in the state legislature...

In the 2000's the Utah Stonewall Democrats and Equality Utah became the main players... Equality Utah is a paid Gay organization...I am not sure of the Utah Stonewall Democrats.”

Seth Anderson responded, “you're full of so much fantastic information!! I like history anyways and always have, so learning about Utah gay history is so much fun! Thank you!! This research paper will fit nicely into the book we're working on.”

I wrote: “Well it's hard to think if it as history when you lived through it lol.” And he said, “lol I guess that's true.”

The he asked, “Was there a big divide between gay men and women until the formation of boards?” I answered, “The divide started in the 1970's with Women Aware and the Lesbian separatist movement... The huge women festivals in Michigan even fought over whether boy children should be allowed at attend... All women spaces sprung up and “Radica lesbians” saw themselves, at most, as allies to gay men but not inclusive in the former Gay Liberation movement... Even today women had to have their own Dyke March promoted by Brandi Balkans rather than just be in the Gay Pride parade... In most large cities even Dykes on Bikes lead the parades.

 It's in the late 70s and early 80's that Gay organizations changed their names to include “Lesbian and Gay” to separate the two groups. This started the idea that Gay only meant men but it doesn't- its gender less...

In the early 90s after a huge lesbian conference in Atlanta, Lesbians returned to Utah with the concept of “Political Correctness” the watch word and “gender parity” in all leadership positions... The horrific acronym “LGB” began to form when Lesbians demanded “bisexuals” be included within the parameters of the movement... Not until late 90's was the T added and kids today know nothing else but LGBT.... It originally was GLBT but Lesbians coopted even that...

Then all hell breaks loose with PC and Lesbians following National trends adding  “Intersex”,  “Questioning”, “Queer” and “Allies” which has become a syntax mess replacing common sense... I am glad that “Queer” is being adopted but it just supplants “Gay” which was the first inclusive word for same sex affection. However many senior Gay men hate the word Queer as a derogatory work like being called a fruit.”

Seth Anderson: “This is such great information! Thank you” and jokingly I responded “I am a treasure. lol Last night at the SAGE event, Meet the Elders, some guy said Amen to something I said and this 75 year old lesbian pipes up “A woman” Hahahaha. There are still some die hard feminists out there and good for them... Luci Malin of NOW once called me an honorary lesbian.... I loved womyn’s music over Gay men’s music most of the time but there are some “men hating dykes” that grate on me.

 The Lesbian Utah chapter of National Organization for Women I think was called “Ruby Fruit Jungle” Hahahaha. You might be too young to know that was a euphemism for a vagina ha!

Btw I am sitting at the doctor's waiting to see the doc so that is why I have so much time on my hands to barrage you. I am here just for a checkup ... You get old... You get fat... You get diabetes... You Pee more ... And you go to the docs...lol. AIDS didn't get me and diabetes is a pussy compared to that.”

Seth Anderson said, “You have diabetes?! Ben! that's no good! I'm sorry to hear that. It runs in my family so I'm more aware of it than most, I suppose. I'm really weird about sugar or at least I try to be. Thanks again for all the info. I'm like a sponge. I just absorb facts and info and stories. I'm excited that at the U I can put that to use. Michael and I are off to Park City again. We're running the tea bar at a gallery there. It's good exposure for the tea company. I hope it is cuz we're not getting paid and we can't sell anything and we're giving away lots of samples! Lol

I was supposed to be at the SAGE event last night but the Park City thing came up at the last minute. You're speaking at that next month aren't you? They asked me to, as well. I'm not sure what to talk about, other than why I like history and why the younger generation needs to know what happened before and why they must be involved. I think so anyways.

Let's talk in person again soon. We have a book to write!  Thanks again for all your help and for sharing your knowledge. PS I pee a lot but I think that's because I drink too much damn tea and coffee.”

             

19 January 2013 Saturday

Today is my father's birthday...He would have been 88 years old... I am Thinking of him today...I got my Texas birth certificate in the mail the other day. It said Dad was 26 years old when I was born and a farmer.

I had an interesting meeting this morning with Becky Moss, Chuck Whyte, Jon Jepsen and Valerie Larabee over tweaking the Dr. Kristin Ries Award Nomination process.  Valerie brought her photographer girlfriend for moral support I suppose knowing how formidable Becky, Chuck, and I can be.

We were very plain spoken about how we felt the award had degraded to being a popularity prize and no longer was representing its original intent to recognize outstanding volunteer service within the community. I was trying to be diplomatic but Becky came right out and said that Valerie did not deserve the Award last year.

Jon Jepsen was wimping out and not controlling the discussion. When I explained the qualifications for being nominated, Valerie fled the room in tears and her girlfriend lashed out at me! I wasn’t even the one who criticized Valerie although I totally agreed with Becky.

 Laura yelled at me and said, “YOU MADE HER CRY!” I was so taken back by her accusation I yelled back at her “SO WHAT! EVERYBODY CRIES!” I wasn’t going to let her play the victim and blame me. I couldn’t tell you how many times people have made me cry in the community. You suck it up and go on doing what is right.

If I wasn’t hated before by Valerie I am now. Funny how no one was mad at Becky when she was the one who actually said Valerie should not have had the award but of course those man hating dykes attacked me because I was the only man in the room that had balls to stand up to her.

In the evening I was going to watch Lincoln with Bill Poore but this kid named Andy McDaniel contacted me through “Adam 4 Adam”. He said he just moved here and wanted to make some friends. He offered to give me a free massage so how could I turn that down especially when he just lives off of 10th North and 1400 West.

So I bowed out of the movie and told Bill I’d make it up to him by cooking him dinner tomorrow. Besides he had gone to see the touring Company of HAIR and was still on a patchouli high being transported back to the Age of Aquarius.

So in the evening I was rewarded when Andy, who is in massage school, gave me a free cranial and neck massage and something called Rolfing (it only sounds dirty)... I had my hands and feet dipped in melted paraffin wax and had hot stones placed on me... all new experience to me but it was heavenly... I melted like butter... instant karma is gonna get you. He really had training. We didn’t do anything sexual but we both were sky clad which made it even more sensual.

I sent Douglas Wortham this message at 2 this afternoon: Missed you at the meeting. Becky Moss, Jon Jepsen, Chuck Whyte and I were there as well as Valerie who left before the meeting ended.  Jon Jepsen is chair of the Kristen Ries selection committee and you can email him with any concerns or ask for the minutes of what was discussed...

Things I remember discussed were not to refer to Kristen Ries Recipients as "Winners" but as “recipients”…If two nominees are tied or within a percentage then they both should receive the award...it’s not a contest…That people cannot be nominated who are paid for the service that they are being nominated for but only for volunteer community service beyond their job... not for the amount of volunteer hours they put into their job …That a previous Kristen Ries recipient will be involved in the nomination process and in vote counting for more transparency …There was talk of the center of eliminating VIP passes at Pride Day... and I voiced that if Kristin Ries recipients are not VIP who the hell are?  They were considering only allowing sponsors of Pride into the VIP section. You might want to voice your opinion.”

Doug wrote back: “Thanks, Ben!  I just had something else this morning or I would have been there. Sounds like a constructive meeting.  All I know is, if they do away with the VIP passes for KR award recipients, they won't see me anymore.  That's the biggest slap in the face!  It can't hurt them financially to give us passes.  I will let Jon know how I feel. Doug”

I replied, “Becky, Chuck and I said we will help in making sure that past recipients know when nominating and voting is taking place so they can contact the Selecting Committee if they do not receive the nominee information.  Walt Larabee does not have a computer so we must make sure he is notified. You can contact Becky Moss, Chuck Whyte, or Jon Jepsen all who can clarify if I misrepresented or misunderstood what was discuss. Ben Williams.”

Bill Poore wrote me about my date with Andy; “A date, wow. You didn’t meet on one of your hook-up links? Have a good time. See you tomorrow at 1PM. Hair was wonderful, some really nice dicks, Wolf, Berger and Claude were to die for, beautiful bodies. Great company with strong voices, I really enjoyed being with the rock star Boyer Jarvis.”

I responded: “It was well worth it meeting Andy...hot stones...feet and hands dipped wax ... cranial massage by a 31 year old Air Force veteran of Iraq... 2 hours! For free because I had a great smile! Needed it after the battle royal I had with Valerie Larabee who fled the meeting at the center in tears... thought I’d have to punch out her dyke girlfriend...So much for harmony and understanding sympathy and trust abounding and no more falsehoods and derision.”

Dominique Equality Storni commented on the Kristin Ries meeting “Of course, I should say that I wasn't around when it was originally started. I only have my take from what I was told by those who fought the good fight all those years I was pretending to be the perfect Mormon husband and father. Thank you, Ben, Becky, Kevin, Dr. Ries... and so many others who carved a path for others.

 

 

 

20 January 2013 Sunday

Becky Moss called me first thing this morning still fuming about the Kristen Ries Award Meeting. Her main source of anger was Valerie suggesting that we should have the courtesy “as leaders” to run thoughts and opinions by her before expressing them in public. That was a lot of gall on Valerie’s part I must admit. She serves this community she doesn’t run it.

Becky thinks the center is no longer a community center but a corporation with Valerie acting like a CEO. Valerie even admitted at the SAGE event last Thursday that she is used to giving commands and no one questioning her since she was an officer in the military service. Becky also said her relationship with Nikki Boyer is strained because of her fanatical devotion to Valerie who Becky said hates Brandi Balken and I suppose the feeling is mutual. Becky actually heard that Valerie struck Brandi once… but that is just gossip.

I made a Sunday dinner of pot roast, mashed potatoes, buttered corn, mixed veggies with squash, brown gravy and the rolls for Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte  who came over to watch a watch “Lincoln” this afternoon and it was incredible. Daniel Day Lewis certainly deserves an Oscar... Every bit of it was true to era and the casting incredible and the story to get the votes in Congress to adopt the 13th Amendment to prohibit slavery was fascinating...How history does repeat itself...

Bill Poore thought it was hilarious when I said to Laura Bradshaw “So What! Everybody cries.”

I support the President of the United States and the Constitution and I say down with traitors. The movie Got me so stirred up that after my guests left I took a dip in the hot tub 104 degrees even if it’s 10 degrees outside.

In the evening I watched another favorite movie Damn Yankee. I loves me some young Tab Hunter. He’s 82 years old this year but I’d still do him saggy butt an all LOL.

Well after posting on my Face book site observations about the Kristen Ries Award meeting these are some of the responses people posted.

Douglas Tollstrup aka Clariss Cartier wrote: “Hello Everyone, When I first became a recipient of the KR Award, I was so honored and excited!  I never expected anything in return which I'm sure none of the recipients did.  Years later when the Utah Pride Center started giving all the recipients VIP passes to Pride weekend, I thought, 'what a beautiful gesture and added bonus of being a recipient'.

Although, the true bonus is just serving our community but it was just an added acknowledgment and I truly appreciate the thought and enjoy it every year.

With that said, it has come to my attention that the Pride Committee is thinking about doing away with these passes except for sponsors.  In my opinion, a seriously bad move.  So, am I to now understand that the only people considered to be VIP's are ones who give money?  In our world right now, it seems like the only thing that matters is who has the money (Corporate America).  If you aren't contributing monetarily, you don't matter.

I never thought this was the attitude of the Utah Pride Center.  Maybe it isn't, but by taking away these passes, that's what it becomes. I never agreed with charging anyone to get into Pride and still don't but when that happened, I figured maybe it was needed to continue having a wonderful Pride weekend.  I don't feel it is though because I have been going to Pride for years and am dear friends with Jeff Freedman who put on Pride weekend for five years for free.  Sponsorships and donations paid for everything.

That was my biggest concern when The Center took over Pride.  Well, it happened and it is what it is, but now to consider taking away the one thing that us recipients enjoy and cherish our VIP passes, is just ludicrous.

As Ben Williams said, 'who are VIP's if not the KR award recipients’?  Whatever you decide, I appreciate you hearing me out and again, appreciate all everyone does for our community.  Please understand, though, that if the passes for us become a thing of the past, I will not be attending any of the Pride activities anymore.

No threat or intimidation, it's just how I feel, because you will be saying that each we don't matter. Sincerely, Douglas Tollstrup (aka Clariss Cartier) KR Award Recipient 1996

Chuck Whyte wrote: Here is message I sent Jon via Face book Hi Jon Thank you for having the meeting today, I feel that we are very close to getting all the issues 100% resolved... I need to re voice my concerns about the possible VIP pass changes. With what I heard today I feel that Money/Sponsorship is more important than Long Term Service. If it is a space issue then make the VIP area larger or eliminate the raised area and have one area/level for all Thank you for letting me voice my thoughts and/or opinions on this issue Feel free to share this information...I also agree with Douglas's feelings...I have also given over 30 years of unconditional service to a community I honor and love but I am tired of being treated like a second hand citizen....the money people /donors/sponsors can be treated as equals but not higher in the pecking order and so you all know how I feel here goes- DON'T THEY KNOW WHO WAS THERE AT THE FIRST PRIDE AND ALL OTHERS AFTER, DON"T THEY KNOW WHO HAS CLEANED BATHROOMS AT PRIDE, BUILT BOOTHS AT PRIDE, SERVE BEER FOR 12 HOURS AT A TIME AT PRIDE, LOST RELATIONSHIP DUE TO WORKING IN THE COMMUNITY, DONATED 1000's OF HOURS OF VOLUNTEER TIME TO COUNTLESS COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION,  AND ALONG WITH MY MOTHER MADE DONATIONS TO THE CENTER AND OTHER ORGANIZATIONS SO THEY COULD KEEP DOING THEIR WORK thank you for letting me shout...Yes I have received a lot of awards for my service to our community but the only one that will matter in the long run is RESPECT Chuck

 

21 January 2013 Monday

Today is Inauguration Day for President Obama and Charles Frost invited a few of his friends to come down to the Trapp and watch the parade at noon. Lord, I thought Charles Lynn Frost was going to have a stroke every time President Obama and the First Lady got out of the car and went for a stroll!

It’s a good thing Pearce Danner is an EMT and was sitting with us LOL... The group was primarily made up of 30 some-things- Matt Lyons, Pearce Danner, and Mark Sorensen. Charles and I who were the oldest in the group. They were all drinking "mind erasers" so after two hours I left and came home figuring after another round they wouldn't even know I was there.

David Andreassen came into the bar as I was leaving about 2:00 and joined the merry makers.  They are a fun group of guys for sure.

 

It was a remarkably historic day with Obama calling for marriage equality and mentioning the Stonewall Inn along with civil rights events at Selma Alabama and Senaca Falls, New York… That is why I voted for Obama and not Mitt Romney.

 

22 January 2013 Tuesday

I love hot cereal on a cold, cold mornings and sharing it with all three pups so they have something warm in their tummies... I give Daisy a little extra because she'll hang out in the snow and cold...she must be part husky...

No school for the kids today because of teacher’s prep and half our day was taken up by classes we had to attend mandated by the state.

In the evening I did a lot of the prep work for dinner tomorrow for Andy Dalrymple coming over.

I got the results of my blood sugars from the lab. My HGB A1c- was 7.8 but they want me to have it below 7. Better than last time when it was 9 or something.

Up too late tonight after realizing I never transferred my 1989 Utah Gay Chronology of events that never made the news but are probably only found in my journal and perhaps Connell O'Donovan...like the Gay and Lesbian Community council meetings, the Desert and Mountain States Conference held at the Marriott, Beyond Stonewall 89, the founding of the Utah Stonewall Center as a subcommittee, Gay and Lesbian Historical Society's Meetings, the Minutes of the Quaker Meeting adopting Gay Marriage in SLC, and so much more.

I got exhausted just reading about what I was involved in when I was 38 years old and all without a car... Good times except reading the names of all the people that are not with us anymore from 25 years ago. Most of us back then thought we would all be dead within 5 years so there was no time to lose or waste... I certainly never thought I'd live to be almost 62... by all rights I should be dead by now ;)

           

23 January 2013 Wednesday

I went back to school today and I had to be observed for Student Engagement. Just more hoops for the dog and pony show. When I got home from school I fixed a pork loin, with apple slices, spiced yams, fried okra, black eye peas, and corn bread for dinner for Andy McDaniel, this 32 year old Southern boy who served in Iraq.

I don't get to fix country cooking much, so that was a treat... none of my friends will eat fried okra and this kid ate every last bit of it... that made me smile...

Some times its hard eating Utah food... where the height of haute cuisine is shredded carrots in green Jell-O, funeral potatoes, and fry sauce.

Anyway after eating dinner we went into the movie room and watched several episodes of “Sordid Lives” and he began to massage me and then I made him get undressed (It wasn’t hard to do) and I gave him a good back massage. He said that I give a deep massage that many people that he’s had work on him couldn’t do.

I don’t know whether he was just super relaxed or he’s a big old bottom but he never got hard enough for him to fuck me and so I just sucked on him for a while with minimal results but honestly the cuddling and massage was great. Now if I could get him hard enough to fuck he would be perfect but there’s little perfection in this old world.

He went home about 10 so I could get some sleep for school.

 

24 January 2013 Thursday

The roads were horrible this morning because of the frozen rain fall. In fact the SLC Airport was shut down because all the run ways were sheets of ice. It took me a half an hour to get to work because I took the back roads.

Another in-door recess today so I put on a movie the “Emperor’s New Groove” and left work as soon as I could.

Stephen Bolinder was already here when I got home at 4:00. He was done by 6:30 and I paid him $125 for doing all three dogs. I wanted him to leave before the roads totally slick over again.

Mike Romero came over to pick Coco up so I didn’t have to go back on the treacherous roads. A SAGE event at the Leonardo was cancel because the roads were awful

 

25 January 2013 Friday

I woke up at 5:00 this morning fuming about “Engagement” being scheduled on Monday during our SEP Conferences. It’s not enough that we have so much on our plate next week that they have to schedule that on top of it.

I was going to get ready to go in early to plan for the Sub that we have to plan for Monday and get lesson plans ready and some grades done when the district called and said that there would be a 2 hour start time delay due to icy conditions….Should have been done yesterday…

Today was not nearly as bad so I went in at 8:30 to try and get some stuff done before the kids arrived at 10:30. I sent them home at 1:30 so with a 35 minute lunch in the kids were only here about 2 1/2 hours. I had 7 kids not showing up.

I had to leave myself at 2:15 for my appointment with Dr. Hoopes at 3:00. The new office is 30 miles from Bountiful at 118000 South in Draper so it took every bit of that 45 minutes to get there on time.

I didn’t get back home until nearly 4:15 just in time to take Coco home to Mike Romero’s.

In the mail I finally got a letter from Kyle. It’s been three weeks since I last hear from him. He wrote it on the 21st.

“Dear Ben, what a great day it’s been, today I watched President Obama be sworn in for his second term and in that speech he formally recognized that Gay love is just as valid as any other kind of love, and that it should be equally recognized by all. He didn’t stop there though; he even put Stonewall on par with Selma. What a great day for us queers.

I didn’t realize it’s been two weeks since I’ve written, strangely we get busy around here, that and we spent a few days locked down after a fight broke out in programming between some Polynesians. It’s not uncommon for us to get locked down once or twice a week for an hour or two. This is the second time that we got locked down for a period of days since I got here. We should be back to normal for school tomorrow.

BTW, thanks for the pics you sent, they look great! My friend Brad said that if you wash the scarf and blankets on gentle with some fabric softener and hand dry them it really softens the yarn. The brown yard is a bit rough, but I liked the color. I’m really glad you are enjoying them, even if there are some who think I didn’t make them myself. Oh well, I expected that might happen.

I have always been good at making things, like decks, floors, stairs, and unfortunately lies. I did make them for you and they are from my heart. I still have a long road to travel towards redemption and it will be a long time before anybody will trust me again. Even so, I’ll continue to crochet whether people believe I made them or not.

My friend Brad gets City Weekly and he was kind enough to let me tear out a few letters to the editor to share with you. You’ve probably already read them, but I still wanted to share them with you. One of them especially made me laugh out loud! The page is in the letter.

How did coffee go with Seth? Have you guys started working yet? I didn’t know Gayle Ruzicka had a lesbian daughter, that’s hard to believe. I know Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter and she is just as evil as her dad.  Then again what power dyke doesn’t harbor some Hitlerian tendencies?

What’s happened with Vanocre? Has another local station hired him? I watch Good Morning America every morning along with Fox 13 morning during the week; otherwise I don’t have time to watch the news during the week with all the work and classes I’m taking. That and I’m asleep by 9:30, well before the local late night news comes on. I hope he stays in Utah.

I spent your Christmas money on some goodies for myself and my friends, thank you. I also used the rest of it to order my new glasses. I should get those in about a month. Your support has been far too generous.

Have I told you how cold it is here?!?! A week ago the high was -1 degree, the low was -17. Walking to and from work in the other building is so cold the moisture in your breath freezes in your nasal passage. It’s a very strange and uncomfortable feeling.

 Supposedly we will start warming up into the teens in the next couple of weeks. It is very beautiful here in this valley but boy does it get cold. We’re actually situated on a high mountain plateau of nearly 6,000 feet in elevation.

Now that January is nearly over perhaps you can put the January blues behind you in preparation for February. All signs point to 2013 being a great year!

I’ll tell you all my journaling and writing has really been cathartic for me. I think the only way to come out of this experience as the kind of man I need to be is through a frank recording of my struggles and successes while here.

As for sharing some of my experiences on Face book, with your help, my counselor is only okay with it so long as I’m honest in my posts and you act as a filter. If there’s anything I want to share that you feel is inappropriate or is a lie then you can call me on it.

I want to preserve a record of my time in prison to share with my future self, friends, family, partner and maybe even kids. I want to put myself out there honestly and stop being something different to each person. Who knows, maybe my posts might even evolve into a book or something after I get out.  At the very least they’ll serve as a digital record of my time here and maybe my siblings would follow them and vicariously participate in my life… That is if they re-friend me.

Speaking of friends, you’re right I should unfriend some people like Amy Barry and such to avoid hurting anyone further who is angry at me.

 Sometime in the next few weeks they will be reducing the size of the Strive program by about one third. They are taking away two of the six housing sections to make room for the expansion of the prison drug and alcohol treatment program. There are 48 people in each section so they need to kick out 96 people to make space for the new program. Fortunately my section is not one of the two they are taking but that doesn’t mean I won’t get moved.

Drug and alcohol treatment programs get federal money so they take priority over other programs like STRIVE that don’t get any special funding. I really hope I can stay. I’ll let you know what happens.

Speaking of Drugs and Alcohol, you’ll get a laugh out of this. There was a clerical error on my records and I was accidently listed as someone ordered to participate in a Drug and Alcohol treatment program. Fortunately I found out before I got moved for treatment and my Captain is getting my records corrected.

The guys that run the Utah Department of Corrections are bureaucrats at their finest. Thankfully the officers and case workers here in STRIVE have our best interests at heart and really do try to help. Hopefully that doesn’t change with the program moving over into our space.

Well I love you, Ben, and I’ll write again soon. Sooner than two weeks at least. Your Friend, Kyle.

 

26 January 2013 Saturday

It was a very horribly foggy and smoggy day and it never really lifted. I took Chuck Whyte to lunch at Chuck A Rama so he could eat his fill. With my senior discount lunch for the two of us is under $20.00. I always eat too much at buffets so I don’t eat much else for the day and I don’t eat breakfast.

I spent much of the day writing Kyle Foote back and I mailed the letter off so he should get it in the middle of the week sometime.

Charles Frost was going to fly to Denver for some reason but his flight got canceled because of the fog and slick run ways. I stayed home this evening ad watched “The Rope”, Hitchcock’s film about two Gay murderers from 1948 and I watched “The Hurricane”, John Ford’s 1937 south pacific epic…the disaster scene is tremendous for 1937.

This is my letter to Kyle:

 “Dear Kyle,   Thank you for your welcomed letter. The last one I had received from you was dated December 30th so I was worried that you were sick with some of the bad flu that was going around or that you got transferred. Glad that it was only you staying busy.

Happy you spent some of your Christmas money on yourself and others. I am sure they appreciated it.  Do you have all the money for your new glasses? If not let me know. Funny you getting glasses and I have gotten rid of mine except for detail work. I have 20/15 vision now.  Maybe that is why I always wanted to hug you so I could actually see you because I was pretty blind even with glasses. It was getting so bad I stopped using the TV in the front room because I couldn’t see it well enough to use the remote. I had to get up and stand right in front of it and you know how big that screen was.

I got your letter dated the 21st on Thursday. So glad you were able to watch the inauguration even with all the prison guards there streaming tears and the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Since it was Martin Luther King Holiday also, Charles Frost had an Inauguration “Kiki” at the Trapp to watch the parade.  Kiki is the new Gay buzz word for a small party to share gossip.  Well at least that’s what I understand it to mean…I can’t keep up LOL.

I stayed 2 hours but since they all were drinking Mind Erasers and I was just having diet cokes I slipped away to go home thinking they won’t even remember I was there.

  Yes we all were excited that Stonewall and Gay equality were mentioned in his speech.  Of course I thought Charles was going to have a stroke every time President Obama and the First Lady got out of the limo to go for a stroll… he was so afraid for them. And for good reasons… Obama has had more death threats than any president in the past 50 years. I posted this on my FB accounts and got many positive comments back.

“Okay I am on my soapbox as Charles likes to say...so get out your hammers. Seneca Falls, Selma, Stonewall. “The Declaration of Sentiments”, which emerged from the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848, was a key document in the history of women's rights... The March on Selma, Alabama was the lynch pin for achieving Civil Rights for Blacks. And Stonewall- It bewilders me how many people in our community have no idea of the significance of this place.

The Pride Center dropped the name Stonewall Center because its leaders then felt no one knew what Stonewall signified. In 1988 less than 20 years after the event young people in Utah didn't know what Stonewall meant to them being Gay. I wrote in my journal on 2 February 1988 Tuesday- ‘At Unconditional Support tonight it was a different kind of crowd. Younger crowd. I gave a lesson on the Stonewall Rebellion and I was so surprised how the majority of the group had never heard of it. It will be my personal crusade to make sure the Gay community of Utah knows what Stonewall means. During the Beyond Stonewall Retreat I created for the community in 1988, a conservative attendee from Utah County said to me "that Stonewall meant nothing to him because he had not been personally affected by the rebellion in 1969."

I came unglued at his ignorance and told him that everything we have today is directly related to The Stonewall Rebellion which spawned The Gay Liberation Movement. I told him that this “Radical Faggot” is the one who brought Beyond Stonewall into being so this kid could have same sex dancing under the stars. It was not the socially conservatives homosexuals who ever accomplish anything first.

In 1969 there was only One openly Gay group in Utah, Gay Liberation... by the end of the 1970's there were over 50! Bars, health clinics, hot lines, bath houses, student groups, churches, newspapers, sports clubs, and support groups.

It's our duty to pass our history down to each generation for if the President of the United States knows the significance of Stonewall every Gay person should too. It should be herald at every PRIDE DAY event which was created to remember Stonewall!”

In the news Pat Buchanan is on the wrong side of history again and slammed the President for mentioning Stonewall.

Pat Buchanan: Stonewall Was Just A ‘Barroom Brawl’ By Zack Ford on Jan 23, 2013 Among the many conservative responses to President Obama’s second inaugural address was commentator Pat Buchanan, who appeared on Fox News to decry the President’s inclusion of various social issues. He described the speech as “not uplifting,” “not really poetry,” “pedestrian” and “deeply partisan” but specifically attacked the reference to the Stonewall Riots:

BUCHANAN: This is a cross between a State of the Union speech with an agenda and a partisan rally given to the DNC. And so, I think, the president lost a real opportunity. Look, they usually talk about what? When I was a kid, Lexington and Concord and Bunker Hill. What was he talking about? Stonewall. That’s a barroom brawl in Greenwich Village”

On a positive note Fox News canceled Sarah Palin’s contract. She’s off the air and that white trash family’s 15 minutes of fame is over.

Potential AIDS Cure, Discovered By Australian Medical Researchers, Modifies HIV Protein The Huffington Post By Meredith Bennett-Smith 1/24/2013 Healthy Living News Scientists working in a medical research facility in Australia say they may have discovered a therapy to potentially cure AIDS. Researchers at the Queensland Institute of Medical Research, led by Associate Professor Dr. David Harrich, say they have developed a form of gene therapy that turns the HIV protein against itself and ultimately stops it from replicating, according to the Australian Times.

Associate Professor David Harrich has found a promising way of stopping HIV from causing AIDS. The human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) is currently treated with a cocktail of drugs to stop the virus from causing acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS). But there is no cure or vaccine... His research has uncovered how to modify a crucial protein in the virus. Harrich himself notes that his research is not an HIV cure. "You would still be infected with HIV," he said, according to the Queensland Institute's statement. "But the virus would stay latent, it wouldn't wake up, so it wouldn't develop into AIDS. With a treatment like this, you would maintain a healthy immune system."

 Harrich, who has been studying the virus since 1989, told the Times that his breakthrough came at a critical point in his research, as his funding was about to run out. "I had my PhD student try one more experiment in late 2007. The experiment was to test if Nullbasic could render HIV non-infectious," Harrich said. (Harrich uses the term "Nullbasic" to refer to the proteins that allow HIV to mutate.)

"The student came back and said it worked, so I told him to do it again and again and again. It works every time.” Speaking with Australian media network ABC News, Harrich said he considers his discovery "fighting fire with fire."

It’s been as cold as I’ve ever felt it here in Salt Lake City this past month with an inversion that the national news calls the worse air in the nation. Breathing the air yesterday was compared to smoking a pack of cigarettes.

We had a really bad snow storm a week ago that dumped a foot here on my deck and then immediately froze because tempts dipped to 9 degrees in the day.  It’s been a harsh January at school because we have only had 5 outdoor recesses this entire month, not days, but recesses because we can’t let the kids out if it’s below 20 degrees or if it’s a red letter day. So I am about to go bonkers not having a minute to myself not even at lunch because the kiddies have to be supervised at all time.

Last Friday Davis District even called a snow day the first I remember in 15 years! And yesterday because the roads were solid sheets of ice, school had a two hour delay…

The air above the inversion was warm enough for rain but as it came through the inversion and hit the ground it turned to solid ice.

On Thursday they didn’t call off the school and that was the worse! Everything, roads, parking lots, driveways were like skating rinks. There were more wrecks then there were HWP patrol men to respond to them.  Crazy.

I’ve only used the hot tub twice this month because the deck is covered with frozen ice and it’s been below 15 degrees for most of the month.  The snow blower doesn’t work anymore so been shoveling all by hand...ugh.

Your scarf has come in handy for sure and I know you are good at making things you have good hands and have a good mind… I wish we would have gotten that roof put on before everything went to shit but oh well.

With the falling leaves and snow I can see now how beneficial that would have been but we were both exhausted.

I am glad you get the City Weekly that kind of lets you know what is going on in SLC. Yes I had read the letters to editors but seeing them through your eyes made me appreciate them more.

I miss the discussions we had, even the quarrels. You know how I love a soapbox. Someone hacked your Yahoo email account and sent a message out to all your friends promoting a scam. I went in and deleted all your friends email accounts (and tricks) so they wouldn’t get any viruses.

Your friend from your mission contacted you on Yahoo to see if the email was valid. I wrote her back to say the account had been hacked and don’t open it and informed her that you were incarcerated. And she wrote this- “Ben, Thank you so much for letting us know.  What a shocker!  I last saw Kyle over a year ago at the Sugarhouse Mkt.  We had a great visit.  I tried to find him at the market this year, but he obviously wasn't there.  And another time I tried to email him, with no success.  As I googled him now, the last record of arrest I find is Dec. 2011, a year ago.  Is he at the Gunnison Correctional facility on that charge or another?  When was he assigned there?  Does he have a release date? Does he want to hear from me?  Just wondering if he gave you my contact information. Again, thank you so much for letting me know.  Let me know if you know of any way for me to help Kyle. Deirdre Paulsen”

 I wrote her back catching her up on how things stand with you and she wrote back- Ben, Wow, thanks for letting me know.  I'm so sorry that he hurt you and commend you for sending him letters of encouragement.  Getting him into a correspondents program so he could one day graduate from college would be excellent.  Obviously he has the intelligence. I don't know what has spurred his need for immediate gratification.  And I don't know how to account for his lack of empathy for those he has hurt.  He served a good mission and obeyed mission rules as far as I know.  He helped me out a lot by planning and organizing Christmas programs in prominent public places as a way to do missionary work.  He was great to work with.  And he stayed in touch with me after the mission; one time calling me on Mother's Day which I thought was very sweet since his mother had passed away.  We went to lunch a couple of years ago and he shared some of his dreams . . . but not his tragedies. Thanks.  And I'd appreciate any updates.  I'll write him . . . once I figure out what to say. . Best, Deirdre

On the 16th she wrote back to me- [I had mentioned that you losing both parents at a young age might have contributed your losing your way in life and that there is a core part of you that just wants to be loved.]

She wrote back "I agree with everything you say . . . but I'm not sure the early death of his parents is causative.  They were both alive when he arrived in the mission, so he wasn't that young.  His father died during the mission, his mother soon after he arrived home.  I agree that he wants to be loved . . . and to feel important. I'm glad he built you the deck and knit you a muffler and blankets for your dogs.  I had another missionary, imprisoned in a federal prison in California; knit me a muffler and a hat.  I really treasure those items. Kyle's deceptions were really grandiose.  I think people invested with him because they didn't think anyone could make up such a scam.  Sorry about your money and Kyle's breaking of trust with you. I do hope that Kyle's in counseling.  What do you teach by the way?  I did my student teaching in English in Payson.  . .but have taught composition and rhetoric courses as well as folklore courses since, mostly at BYU but one year at SLCC.  Love teaching . . . I’m close to retiring and it will be difficult to suddenly stop. Please stay in touch, Deirdre •

I told her I have a dual certificate but I've always taught elementary school mainly upper grades. I teach now in Bountiful and am a couple of years away from retiring too.  I have so many mixed feelings about Kyle... I know now he was deceptive on many levels...lying about just the most mundane and simple things...it seems like it was almost a game to him....ever person he knew...knew a different side of Kyle...the one he wanted them to know...even living with him for a year I was so shocked that I knew so little what was going on in my own house while I was at work... Still there was a loving caring part of Kyle and that is what I mainly choose to remember. I've sent him a small amount of money every month so he can buy hygiene products, books, and occasional treats.  I know Kyle is where he needs to be and I hope he is getting some type of treatment to address his self-defeating compulsions.  I understand Kyle was a young man when his parents died but I think he didn't have any family connection after that since he was the youngest and his siblings were dealing with their own lives... I am probably just projecting because I had the support of my own parents all my life until their passing a few years ago... I think being cut loose in the world at such a young age would be challenging but I may just be making excuses.”

So if you get an unexpected letter from Deirdre that is why.

 I haven’t heard any more about Chris Vanocur. I am sure he will land on his feet. Very talented if pompous guy. So glad you can watch some news to stay in touch with the outside world.  Funny I rarely watch the local news anymore. I get all my news from FB friends who post stories and I read them. My friends filter my news for me LOL.

I still get my national news from Jon Stewart. You got me hooked on that.

Appears that Rhode Island’s house passed a marriage equality bill and once the senate passes it all of New England will be for Equality just like in the Civil War.

Finally watched Spielberg’s Lincoln…Daniel Day-Lewis was phenomenal. Do they show movies in prison?

Becky Moss and Charles asked David Nelson and I to be on an Ask the Elders panel for SAGE.  He wants us to talk about history and Seth Anderson is going to be the moderator and ask questions from a younger person’s perspective.

The dumb shit center misspelled David’s name as Neilsen and when I told Charles, he said Drew already had the posters printed up….Again I reminded him; how hard is it to get things right down there?

David Nelson founded GLUD, he’s founded this community about as much as anyone and they can’t get his name straight? That’s where a simple phone call could save a lot of bad will and looking stupid; like Valerie did last year when she made a press release about it being the 20th anniversary of the pride center when it was not and when I let her know it wasn’t and called her on it, Jim Dabakis informed her not to doubt me that I knew more about this community than anyone.

She wouldn’t listen to me because I am not a big shot donor but she sure the hell was mad, that Dabakis called her on it and she made an apology of sorts at Pride Day. Just another reason she is petty.

Charles wanted to honor me at the Sage Garden Party last summer for Life Time Achievement but Valerie told him not to because she was going to honor me with that Award at the Coming Out Day Banquet in October but when Charles asked her about Valerie said she couldn’t remember the conversation and gave the award to Jim Dabakis.  I never told Jim but he would have been furious with her.  That is the kind of person she is.

Seth and Michael have been so busy up at Park City for Sundance promoting their Queen’s Tea business but I have been sending tons of my archives (literally thousands of pages) so Seth can keep them and be the next keeper of the flame after I am gone. So glad someone his age has the degrees and the real interest in history to keep the records.

We met for coffee and decided not to do the book for that one publisher because it was more of a pictorial and the one we decided to write will be a collaboration between Seth, Michael, and me. We each will write on a part of the community history that is interesting to us. Good to get young people’s perspective for sure. I know you think I am a curmudgeon.

Gayle Ruzicka’s Lesbian daughter came to one of Charles’ Dottie Dixon play that is how he knows she is Gay. I guess the son that overdosed on heroin was also Gay from what I hear. Not real surprising there’s; always some lavender in Mormon men’s Gold and Green Balls.

Speaking of Hitlerian power dykes I had a blow out with Valerie Larabee a week or so ago. Chuck Whyte, Becky Moss, and I had asked for a meeting with Valerie Larabee and Jon Jepsen over issues with the Kristen Ries Award. Valerie was totally on the defensive and brought her partner Laura to the meeting I suppose for a backup.

 Anyway Becky brought up the inappropriateness of Valerie accepted the award last year and how it looked bad in the community. I didn’t bring it up but once it was in the open Valerie attacked me over my criticism of her endorsing that Mormon Web site endorsement and I told her she doesn’t speak for the community; she doesn’t lead the community she “serves” the community.

Then she had the gall to ask us not to put anything on Face Book about the Center before contacting her!  I told her she is not the queen of the community and she could have just as easily called me; I didn’t have to go to her. AND (this is a fight you and I had once) I can write anything I want on my personal FB page and comment on any of my friends postings without Valerie’s approval.

I said I only have 100 friends on my page and I NEVER said anything about her on a public forum and the only way she could have known anything is by Jon or Nikki reporting it to her. So she starts playing the victim and tearing up and crying and all the time I am trying to get us back on topic which is the Kristen Ries Award but in the middle of it she gets up and leaves!!! How frigging professional is that?

Her lover then gets up and starts yelling at me “You made that lady cry!” And I respond in my best Bette Davis impression, “SO WHAT! Everybody cries. I’ve cried plenty over this community.”

Then she says I am rude and I said I understand you want to stand up for your partner, which is commendable, but you don’t know what the hell you are talking about and you are being extremely rude to us.”…

She then stormed out but without any dramatic flair or panache that any Gay man would have done making such an exit.

Well you might as well thought I had stabbed Valerie in the heart. She asked every one of her lackeys at the Center if they heard that I had made her cry…

Charles, of course, denied everything, but I had told him the whole story. But he wasn’t the only one interrogated. He said everyone was asked, and they all knew; so someone else is spreading the story that Ben Williams made the Executive Director of the Center cry…LOL  Not by me. I didn’t know I still had it in me or that I cared enough.

 The day after the blow up, Becky Moss called me and talked my ear off, mad as hell at Valerie for suggesting that we couldn’t comment in this community without running it by her. Well Valerie dahling, you don’t know who the hell you are dealing with… Becky said that all the power Lesbians like Brandi Balkan and Michelle Turpin all hate her… and really it’s quite evident that Valerie doesn’t like this community…

She’s been there at the center for 9 years, even the President of the United States can only serve 8! She came to Mormon Utah in 1997 from being a Catholic in Maine and an officer in the Air Force so she doesn’t know anything about the dynamics of Utah…

She is a no compromise do it my way or the highway dyke… She’s alienated all the younger Gay men like Ferdinand Noriega and Drew McGrew and even Charles wants to quit because the atmosphere is so toxic there.

Charles should be running the Center and if Nikki and Jon had any balls they would fire her. Jon and Valerie bold faced lied to me at that meeting when I suggested that we need a community forum like the old Gay and Lesbian Community Council and they said that there is one called the “Queer Forum” and they had been addressing these issues and that they would invite me to the next one.

I found out the Queer Forum hadn’t met for over a year due to the fact that Brandi and Valerie hate each other and Pride and Equality Utah ran the forum. Ugh!

Then I get an email from Brandi saying that the next Queer Forum is to be held next week and sorry for the long delay trying to find a location!

It takes a year. I must be scaring somebody in the community this old fat guy!  I still have some cache’.

I called Ohio University and only got a recording stating to leave a phone number and they would call me back on your status. That was over a week ago and nothing. Maybe you should write them personally. Some places just won’t give out personal information to third parties.

How much stuff do you have at Phoenix? They wouldn’t let me ask for transcripts to be sent because I was a third party.

I kept meaning to tell you that so I thought I’d try just saying I am you with your information but you might have to write to them yourself and request them to send them. As far as I know all others have been sent.

I’ve had to order a birth certificate from Texas and get another Social Security card to get my driver’s license renewed in April. I have 20/15 vision so that should not keep me from getting a license. I might even get a pass port now that I have all these things.

Ridiculous I have been driving since 1968. I should have been grandfathered in.

 

Well the school year is half over. I never hear anything from Jamie any more. Although I still have her listed as a face book friend. Life goes on and people do to, I suppose.

Well I knew you like your wine but never thought you’d qualify for an addict LOL  I can testify that you never did drugs…(well at least that I knew of) maybe sex addition but not drugs LOL….

I still do not know how I slept through all of that …surely the dogs would have woke me up…they greet everyone who comes into the house. Good thing they cannot talk.

I met this 32 year old vet who served in Iraq that just moved here from Colorado for massage school. He’s been giving me free massages and I have been cooking for him… Ever had your feet and hands dipped in melted wax while getting a cranial massage… Bliss pure bliss…and he’s a cute ginger from Oklahoma so he likes my Southern cooking. The first time I fixed him fried okra he ate the whole bowl. LOL

Well I certainly hope the prison expansion does not cause you any grief. Keep journaling and I’ve saved every letter you wrote me and if I am alive when you are released I will give them all back to you. You might write that book. God knows people been wanting me to write a book about you from your escapades. Don’t worry I won’t.

Never ever get involved with an archivist historian. There are no real secrets that can’t be found out.

I certainly hope that you can make amend with your family… it’s so important to have those connections even if they are not close anymore. They knew you as a child; they know you in an entirely different perspective than anyone else in the world does or can. I’ve some of your childhood pictures. I can see you as a charming brat…even at your Eagle Scout ceremony you were kind of cocky… but how proud they all were of you, even as your dad said, you were like a sacrament cup that had to be polished up from time to time.

I can never take the place of blood family but you will always be family to me… Love you more than you can ever know Your friend Ben and the hounds

 

27 January 2013 Sunday

It’s a Rainy day but its clearing the air and melting the snow and ice...we are finally getting a thaw...I do nothing to do but cook... I made stuffed bell peppers, homemade chili and beans (Texas style not wimpy Utah and California style), and some taco meat...

Parent conferences are all next week until 7 so cooking up a storm today. Tacos are quick if the meat is already done, and a nice bowl of chili and corn bread...now that's good eating.

It started out as a nice morning then about 10 it began to rain and by noon it started snowing! This morning the deck was completely cleared off from the rain now snow packed again.

At 5 I went out and shovel the driveway and sidewalks; it was a wet heavy snow and I was exhausted… Too tired and too cold to do the back deck...and the snow kept coming down. ... So much for a thaw…

It took me 45 minutes to just shovel the driveway and the sidewalks and when I was done another half inch had fallen over the 5 inches I removed! It's a heavy snow full of water too... I just made a path way for the dogs out back too exhausted to do more...if this keeps up I won't get out of the driveway because the road will be snow packed. If the city wants me to shovel more they can kiss my ass I will pay the fine... I am tired!

It is still snowing at 9 at night!.. so not looking forward to shoveling out again in the morning...I am getting way too old for this...if I drop dead from a heart attack someone come feed my dogs... I will be that frozen lump in the driveway covered with snow so don't run over me unless you have good shock absorbers...

I did finish a column for the Q...

It’s been my experience, now that I am a "classic", that "good looks" fade over time but a "good heart" just gets stronger. And you can quote me on that.

 

28 January 2013 Monday

Yesterday 8 and 1/2 inches fell here at West Pointe near the Salt Lake City airport...It broke snow record for Jan 27 of 5 inches in 1980. Bountiful has 12 inches. Nothing is plowed...it will be a great time going to work I suppose...There’s been 40 crashes in Davis County alone already! I am going to hunt me down and kill a certain Ground Hog if he doesn't deliver an early Spring.

 

29 January 2013 Tuesday

Came home at 7 pm after conferences and made a sugar free apple crumb pie...with the stress of parent- teacher’s conferences I might eat the whole pie by myself...

 

30 January 2013 Wednesday

I want to go home but there’s two more conferences yet to go...can't I just Skype from home that Johnny can't read?

Home at last... home sweet home... Buddy and Daisy giving tons of kisses... do it all again tomorrow...

Hope everyone is staying warm, bellies are full, and chilling for the night...

One more day and this cold dreary month will be over! Yay!

Patty Andrews of the Andrew Sisters died. She made up one of the greatest girl groups in history....They were Icons of World War II... Patty was the sassy blond... They were a staple in many Abbott and Costello movies.

 

31 January 2013 Thursday

The last of my conferences was tonight and I was home by 7:30.

The Pride Center announced they are filing an amicus brief in support of the repeal of DOMA. Finally the Pride Center doing something I can agree with.

I just realized I needed to register my truck by the end of January and it’s the end of January now LOL. Well it’s stuck in the garage blocked by 3 feet of snow that I shoveled on that side of the driveway... Guess they can't ticket me if I am not driving it... I wonder if there's a late fee ha!!

 

FEBRUARY

1 February 2013 Friday

I think everyone is having a sigh of relief that January is over. It was a harsh one with bad air and the inversion. Everyone is as happy to see January go as I am.

Yesterday while in the office, speaking with my principal, a cute little 4th grader ran in all excited. He was almost out of breath as he said, "Two 4th grade girls called Gracie a butthole!" Then to emphasize the seriousness and shocking nature of the offense he shouted, "WITH A CAPITAL B!" I had to turn away to keep from laughing....Just so you know there is still innocence in this sometimes weary world.... With a Capital B!

Mrs. Beck let us leave right after the kids so I rushed home to clean the house, send Kyle Foote $40 and to get ready for Andy McDaniel’s coming over for dinner. I made some Chili Verde which I brought over to Mike Romero’s after taking Coco home.  I also made Spanish Rice and Beans con Queso.

Andy came over at 6 and we ate until 6:30 and then he wanted to watch some more episodes of “Sordid Lives” which he did.

Since the weather warmed up to low 40s today much of my snow is melting so we used the hot tub! It was fun massaging each other in the 104 degree weather.  I kissed him a few times and while he was responsive he was not passionate.

After hot tubbing, we went to my bedroom and he massaged my back and I him and then the poor guy fell sound asleep. We weren’t planning a sleep over but I didn’t want to wake him so we slept on top of the blankets with another one I got from the movie room to throw over us.

Then both Daisy and Buddy decided they wanted to be on the bed too. I though Andy would sleep and then wake up but he didn’t so he spent the night and while cuddling him I wondered do I really want a boyfriend at my age to interrupt my sleep?

I think if it was the right guy yes but I don’t think Andy as sweet as he is…is that guy.

Gonna meet Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson for coffee in the morning and giving them a special collection of out of print Gay history books I have... passing down things to the next generation... I feel like Mom did when she got rid of her pots and pans because she was done cooking big meals...

 

2 February 2013 Saturday Candlemas –Ground Hog Day

Sweet Andy McDaniels left this morning about 7 and I sent him home with left-overs. I am pretty sure that he and I will not be more than friends. Either I don’t excite him or he has erectile dysfunction but I couldn’t get hard nor did he have wood in the morning.

 

Well that’s okay because a great massage is wonderful but it would be sweeter to be penetrated but am grateful for what it is.

Beautiful day…skies are cloudy and blue… clean air. This morning I met Michael Ferguson and Seth Anderson over at Nostalgia Coffee on 1st South. I heard Nostalgia had gone out business but it looks like it might have been just a change of owners instead but the name was the same. It’s just a few yards west of the old Cosmic Aeroplane and the Blue Mouse.

After we left, I showed them where those places use to be. I love this area of Salt Lake and feel so connected to it. If I could afford it, this is where I’d like to live if I cannot keep up the house anymore.

I gave Seth about 10 books I had, especially the Gay Militant and The Trouble With Harry my signed copy of the biography of Harry Hay. I also gave him the illustrated Joy of Gay Sex which Michael latched onto LOL.

I sat and visited with those two until nearly noon when I said I’d pick up Chuck Whyte for our weekend buffet lunch…

Chuck a Rama was so busy, about 30 people ahead of us, that I told Chuck let’s go somewhere else. So we went to the Panda Buffet on North Temple which is always satisfying and I ate my fill of fried shrimp. For $20 for the 2 of us it’s quite a deal.

After eating I went to the American First and took out $80 to give to Chuck… I guess he’s pretty stone broke now and he’s been sick with a respiratory cough probably from the weather and bad air of January. I figured that if I can send Kyle money every month I should give some money to Chuck who has never done anyone any harm.

Besides its part of my promise to God that if I kept my job in 2010 that I was so scared to death of losing I would help people that need help. Of course then I had to take him to the store so I didn’t get home until nearly 3:30.

Since I said I would host a Candlemas gathering, I had to straighten the house from yesterday’s dinner with Andy McDaniel. I already made a kettle of chicken noodle soup so I only had to light the candles and put the bread in the oven.

Rocky O’Donovan and John Crapeau were the only ones that came over, which is what I expected but we had a delightful heart circle which lasted about an hour. I mentioned that I was grateful for all the blessings in my life. 

Then we visited out in the living room until John left at 9. Rocky is planning this big Oestre Spring gathering … I said go for it but I won’t hold my breath if it doesn’t happen.

Hoof and Horn Hoof and Horn All that dies will be reborn Corn and Grain Corn and Grain all that falls shall rise again.

Candlemas is over… we smudged, we smooched, we sang, we invoked, we remembered, we hugged, we ate, we drank we laughed, we cried... Merry Meet Merry part, and Mary Tyler Moore... It's good to be Gay.

Bill Poore wrote: So yesterday as I was getting out the pool at the VA Hospital, walking past the showers I saw the most beautiful man ever. He was around 6’ 1’, slender with perfect pecks, six pack, the most beautiful, rounded butt, handsome as they come, and to top it off a large perfect dick. I just wanted to die in that moment....I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He took a long soapy shower washing each part of his body so I could enjoy the heaven before me.”

I replied, “The stuff dreams are made of....

 

Then Bill Poore added: “Oh by the way Charles called me, he wants to book me into the Ask the Elders thing. I told him I was not even LDS, he said it did not matter. I said I really did not have anything to offer, that being around Ben Williams has just shown me I am stupid and know nothing about gay history other than the fact I lived through a great deal of it in NYC,, LA, SF and San Diego.”

I said: “Ask the Elder sounds better than Ask the Old Guy... well if you'd popped your head out of the Continental Bath House once in a while you'd know Gay Liberation was going on all around you...”

Bill Poore replied, “the continental baths were gone when I got there, (there were several others, Market Street, 13th Street, 47th Street and the best one was down town near Wall Street, higher class clientele. I was busy doing Broadway with history makers, like the play “Gemini”, “Torch Song”, “Fifth of July”, “As Is”, working with some of the most famous gay playwrights. Albert Innurato, Harvey Fierstein, Lanford Wilson, William Hoffman and working with the gay producers, Jerry Arrow, Ken Weisman (Grease, Torch Song) and of course John Glines of the Glines, Google him.”

I teased, “you Google him... I am not that kind of girl.”

He added, “I forgot some of the producers I worked with like John Glines....SOOO soph, what is going on with you and that little Vet?”

I said, “nada just massages”

 

3 February 2013 Sunday

Because of the fine mist that is freezing as it hits the trees and shrubs, everything looks spiky and fuzzy white outside. I Just woke up from a long nap...Is the "super duper" Bowl of rutting grunting, testosterone over yet? Has the world returned to its banality or should I nap for a few hours more? Wait maybe I will hot tub, or read a book, or make some quiche until the world has new heroes for a few minutes until it gets bored again...I prefer the “Reluctant Dragon” to the Super Bowl... I relate more to the sensitive sissy Dragon.

In the news The Mormon Church filed an amicus brief in support of Proposition 8 and for the defense of DOMA- “Marriage defined as the union of one man and one woman is an axiom of Western civilization — not an attack on the civil rights of gays and lesbians,” the brief reads.

Tell me again how the Mormon Church is softening its stance on Gays... Mormons building bridges all right...to push Gays off of.... Where is the rank and file's outrage? There isn't any...

Goose Stepping into the Celestial Kingdom... Mormons supported slavery, supported polygamy, were anti-civil rights, anti the ERA and anti-Gay Equality...when will this "inspired" church be on the right side of history instead rewriting its history?

 

4 February 2013 Monday

The Boy Scouts decided to not decide on their policy of letting Gays serve as Scout leaders

 

5 February 2013 Tuesday

Same old same old.

 

6 February 2013 Wednesday

Going in to work early for a mandatory meeting on Suicide Prevention... how can schools help the Gay kids when we are forbidden by state law to say anything positive about homosexuality? Who are the biggest bullies towards Gay kids but LDS Republican state legislators? Every day in this state two teenagers commit suicide...

Charles Lynn Frost is under the weather...all his friends are sending him healing thoughts and get well wishes for a truly good hearted soul! To all my other friends who are down with the croup that's going around, honey, whisky and lemon juice... warm it up and drink it down and go to bed!

 

Utahns who rallied at the State Capitol today for Clean Air are now occupying Gov. Herbert's office!

 

7 February 2013 Thursday

The Cheesecakes for birthdays this weekend are baked and chilling in the refrigerator... I'll clean up tomorrow LOL...I need a house boy anybody offering?

So can We trust the good folks at 50 East North Temple, the very ones that filed an amicus brief in support of banning Gay marriages, was going to pull out of Scouting if the supreme court had ruled that the BS had to be inclusive... what are the Mormons getting out of this? What is their angle? You know they are getting something out of it...being pro Civil Rights has never been their forte'.

 

8 February 2013 Friday

I was really upset with my kids today because of their blasé attitude towards the money system I run and after all the money I spend for things for them to buy in the auction.

It started snowing really heavy about 3 so I left school to go down to the clinic on Redwood road to get my testosterone shot… then I rushed home to take Coco home and to get ready for Rocky O’Donovan and Bill Poore to come over.

They arrived promptly at 6:30 which must be a first for Gay men. Bill brought a Pie Pizza and I made some dips to go along with the salsa and I also made a blue berry cheese cake.

 So I spent a fabulous evening with Bill Poore and Connell O'Donovan eating pizza, watching Zac Efron in his white underwear in “the Paperboy” in my theater room... The acting was really great but the editing by the director seemed too “Sundancy”: lots of extra shots that distracted and the close up of the scene of gutting an alligator was total not needed.

Then watched Walt Disney’s “Ferdinand the Bull” because Bill had never seen it! 2 demerits on his Gay card, but he regained them by telling us the story of a dinner party he was working at that was given for that son of a bitch Ronald Reagan, where a young man with AIDS was assigned to wait on Reagan’s table... Then we had cheesecake...

They left about 10:30 with Bill regaling us with tales of his Broadway days. Rocky ticked me off when he was asked if he was going to the SAGE Event and he said yes as  he was going to correct me… like he is THE AUTHORITY… he and his ego and then he tells Bill that he IS a professional published historian… whatever floats his boat….

Rocky O’Donovan said that yesterday he got a very intense email from a young Gay Mormon in another state who is struggling with coming out. His congregation is deeply homophobic and his family more so. He just turned 18 and is now supposed to go on a mission but he doesn't feel he can. He's feeling alienated, hopeless, and terrified. He said, “I'm so frigging tired of cleaning up the messes that the LDS Church makes out of peoples' lives. ¡Ai caramba!”.

Then he went on to say, “Speak out during Testimony Meeting. Bring your family and five other people to the Gay Pride march. Inform your leaders to start cleaning up their own messes and preventing further ones from occurring. Chain yourself to the gates of Temple Square in protest. Hold an anti-suicide "die in" at your next Stake Conference. Seriously, just take the next uncomfortable step, from wherever you are into where you want to go. It's scary I know but make it hurt. People are screaming alone in silence for our help.”

Bill Poore wrote me, “I just dealt with this very same situation with a young man in Orem who wanted to go on a mission. In the end the stake president would not let him go, gay was not the issue at that point. He was heartbroken. We forget they really love their church and this loss is overwhelming to them. The kid started drugs and was close to killing himself. I would love to talk to you about it. He is now ok, but it was a close call. Grandmother and uncles did not help this kid at all. They almost shamed him to death. Thank god a loving mother and father found out what was most important to them and intervened. He was clinically depressed. Making them get professional help is the most important thing. Taking the power away from the crisis through adult advice and intervention is so important. The most important thing is making them understand they will be alright.”

I replied, “I've stayed in Utah for 27 years trying to free the captives and bind up the broken hearted... friends have begged me to go to Boston, Seattle, Portland, California but I can't... This is my mission field... this is my hope and struggle to make Utah safer for Gay people...emotionally, physically, spiritually and politically... if I am a crusty old Gay guy it is to be strong here for others. I've had to become crusty, authentic, take the hits, and be loyal to my community. Being Gay opens the world to every possibility instead of family and societal expectations. Glad you were there for him...

Troy Williams responded: “The most powerful thing we can do is model how great life is being out, proud and gay. Connell and Ben, you guys do that extremely well. People deeply need strong social networks. For many, the Church is all they have. It's a great social network if you fit a certain mold. The terror comes when you are cast from your tribe and you enter a subliminal space where you are no longer fully Mormon, but not yet fully integrated into the new gay culture. And gay culture can be hella intimidating for gay Mormons. Cultural change is happening quickly -- the angst you feel about this young man won't be as severe in five, ten, fifteen years. And you guys are the reason we have to thank for that!”

I answered, “This is why Wasatch Affirmation was such a great organization for nearly 10 years...it was a safe place to come to where Mormon Gays could heard the same familiar jargon without the familiar shame... a place where Mormon gays could process their new reality as they transitioned into a welcoming Gay community. The friendships made there, lasted years and being GAY was the priority not being LDS...

 Affirmation took the good things…leadership skills, volunteerism...pot lucks... playfulness and helped "Gay" Mormons jettison things that were not working for them...unfortunately those who out grew Affirmation and went on with their lives left behind many who could not make that adjustment. Affirmation became more of a holding pen for Mormon Gays whose Mormon identity was more important to them than their Gay identity...

Unconditional Support the social group I founded was formed from an old Salt Lake Affirmation but dropped its attachment to Mormonism when over 75 percent of the group never were Mormon nor considered themselves Mormon anymore...

            It was a different community 25 years ago...more support groups, consciousness raising and a sense of belonging to a Gay Community.... By the end of 1989 there were Gay Fathers, 3rd Thursday Women's Group, The Youth Group, Unconditional Support, Affirmation, LGSU, The Cache Valley Alliance, Knights of Malta, the Wasatch Leather Men, the Sacred Faeries, the Wasatch Bears and a slew more of social and support group for people of all ages coming out and there were all "peer" driven not led by a "professional"... who knows more about being Gay then Gay people?... all we need to do is talk, listen, and support...”

Troy Williams  replied: I feel a deep belonging to the gay community -- but it took a long while to find my groove. Probably a good 6 or 7 years after coming out. A lot of that came from reading our history and seeing the work that was laid by everyone before me. Reading gay history, pre and post-Stonewall -- and in particular gay Utah history from both Ben, Connell & Mike Quinn, et al, really helped me understand my place in the long history.

Queer history became as inspiring as my Mormon heritage -- and that helped me feel deep pride for who I was. When new gaybies come out of the Church, they need to be able to connect to that larger historical tapestry -- and recognize they are part of a beautiful new tribe. That helps the transition. Then they can look at their religious upbringing and if they choose, move on.”

I wrote: “I keep the history of Salt Lake City Gay Civil Rights movement for three reasons... for my friends and lovers who did not survive and can't tell their stories... because I don't want the Mormons to create a false history when Gays finally win... and for all the young Gays who need to know they are a "people with a history" they are not just the flip side of straights...”

Troy Williams: “Amen Ben!”

Bill Poore responding to Rocky said, “you are really cool Connell. I liked the way you laughed at Ben and me when we got into a fight.”

Connell O'Donovan replied, “Thanks Bill for the kind and loving support. Although not trained in the slightest, I have been doing this "work" for 25 years - even in California when I thought I was far away from LDS influence. Because of my website, I get contacted about twice a month by people in crisis. I try to remind them to love themselves fiercely; that they are beautiful, magical, divine beings with gifts to share and to try to discover what those are; that the church can only control their relationship to the church - not to the Divine; to live their lives with honesty and integrity, regardless; that the closet may feel safe now but ultimately, it's just for clothing - not for your soul; to find a local, responsible and stable support group; that indeed "it gets better"; etc.

I never attack the church. Basically I just try to remember what I most needed to hear when I was where they are. I'm just tired and grumpy and had to spew a bit.”

I jokingly responded to Bill’s comments saying, “When did we ever get into a fight? You didn't cry did you?” Then seriously I added, “People are placed where they can do most good even if they don't know it.”

Bill Poore mocked my making Valerie Larabee cry by saying, “Ben, so what if I did cry, everybody cries.”

I then wrote, “Connell's very plight is why a "Gay Help Line" is still needed especially in Utah... Our community had one for over 25 years same number and at one time the only listing for "Gay" in the white pages.. It was staffed 24 hrs. a day 7 days a week by volunteers who would take shifts- none of them "professionals" just people like Connell who were Gay affirmative, had a knowledge of resources, and a compassionate heart... None of us had money back then... no under writers... no grants... no Gay millionaires... no lawyers... no social workers...

I use to run a message machine off of my own home number to tell people what support groups were in the city so that people could leave a message if they needed a call back... couldn't tell you how many times I was woken in the middle of the night with someone yelling ‘Fag die’ or ‘Queer’ and then hanging up.. my philosophy was they were self-haters who would someday come out...

My old home phone number is listed in the back of the book “Peculiar People” as a resource under Delta Institute...LOL How crazy is that?

            There is some talk by people at the Pride Center of eliminating VIP status from the Kristen Ries recipients at Pride Day this year and reserve that status only for big financial donors... I guess they don't care that without all the community service the Ries recipients had done and of the many more unrecognized people, there wouldn't be a community in which to hold Pride Day... times change. It’s all about “Show me the money”.

 

 

9  February 2013 Saturday

I wish I had a left brain...I am so right brained that what would have taken a normal person 10 minutes to change out a toilet seat. It took me a half hour...trial and error...tools scattered over the bathroom floor...I was ready to use a hammer... then finally it started coming together... I am exhausted and now I wish I hadn't bought a white one... Well at least I was able to put a curtain up in the bedroom with a flourish... Oh Mary don't ask...

I got my looks from my dad but none of his left brain...he could fix anything, wire anything, build anything, and all with a determined analytical mind... he would have me help him but to no avail...I don't know how many times I got yelled at for bringing him a straight screw driver when he wanted a Philips and God, how is any reasonable person supposed to know the difference between a crescent wrench, pliers and all the other thingmabobs...

I hated grease under my nail and smell of a car engine... Ugh..

House of Cards on Netflix is pretty good I must say if you like Washington intrigue... Kevin Spacey is a joy to watch being ruthless...

 

10 February 2013 Sunday

It’s been snowing all morning. There's 4 inches on my deck railing so I ain't going anywhere... I am holed up with a pot roast in the crock pot and I know how to make gravy...

Buddy is on the bed at my feet and Daisy is chasing snowflakes outside...

I got all my manly jobs down yesterday...Done shoveling the driveway and sidewalks as a good citizen should... but now to have some pot roast veggies and gravy and watch another episode of House of Cards before tackling the back deck...

Sun's out and sky is pretty maybe it will all melt... naw

Bill Poore wrote: Changing the toilet seat with a complete tool box is not manly. There are two wing nuts that can be taken off by hand, pull the old seat off put the new one on and put the wing nuts back on, simple as that, manly. Did I make you cry?

 

11 February 2013 Monday

Pope Benedict XVI is resigning! What a shocker. I wonder how much for the Pope's ruby red slippers. I bet the wicked old bitch of the Vatican won't need them anymore.... and What is the Real Story? Is Pedophilia hitting too close to home? Has more of his Nazi past surfacing? Is the homosexual priests he surrounds himself with, fuming at him for endorsing the death penalty in Kenya...?

Which Cardinal or Jesuit group is forcing the Bastard out... does he still get to live in the Palace and wear Christian Dior and have nuns wash his soiled undies? If he represents God on Earth is God resigning too? Inquiring minds want to know.

The Catholic Church is so fucked up now...probably always was... Hail Mary and Bleeding Jesus maybe with Bentdick gone some sanity might we turn? Unlikely... too much wealth is at stake.

No one is bad mouthing Catholics per se it’s just their homophobic misogynist popes who think they are God on earth... The selection of Popes make the Tea Party look positively sane... Next time try to not pick a former Hitler Youth with a known history of homophobia...It was this Pope as a Cardinal Ratzinger who banned Catholic Churches and properties from hosting Dignity a support group for Gay Catholics.

Bill Poore wrote: “I think you would make a wonderful pope; I can totally see wearing all his hats and gowns. You would love people kissing your ring.” I replied, “You know what you can kiss and it ain't my ring.”

 

12 February 2013 Tuesday

Today is my ex-wife’s Fran’s 68th birthday, where ever she is.  Kids are driving me nuts at school I really need a break from them.

This morning Jim Dabakis announced that he is having Gayle Ruzicka as a guess at his Morning Dabakis Caucus… there were lots and lots of comments about that.

In other news the Olympic Committee dropped wrestling as an Olympic sport without any warning. Well I don’t watch it but I like the skimpy wrestling togs.

My nephew James Clark posted that he has been in the hospital since Sunday with asthma and a heart problem…Don’t know any more than that.

Michael Romero heard from his sister Michelle finally. His mother Faye is improving but still is in Cheyenne but will never walk again. Her hospital bill is a million dollars!

Michelle I guess as liver cancer and is on a waiting list for a donor… Poor thing.

I am still tiffed at Bill Poore and a little at Charles Frost…I feel like they and especially Bill have been ganging up on me on face book. If that’s their idea of being funny I am not amused.

Any one for a Paris wedding? France passed same sex marriage... Cardinal Richelieu must be turning in his grave...Vive L'France.

Stephen Schroeck, Kyle Foote’s old boyfriend wrote and said: Hi Ben! How are you these days? Wanted to let you know I am receiving spam mail from your e-mail account, usually you can stop this by changing your e-mail password. What's the latest on Kyle?  I read your article about him. Hope you're well! Stephen.”

I responded back: Sorry about that...I saw a bunch of returned emails so I guess some one hacked me...I deleted a lot of email addresses so they wouldn't get any more I hope...

Kyle is at the Gunnison State Prison and is working as a tutor for ESL prisoners.... he likes prison better than county jails like Beaver because there is more treatment and counseling... he blocked me for six months but started writing me a couple of times a month saying he was sorry for what he did and knows he has a disease and wants to get out of this experience to be a better man....

We both know a good side of Kyle but we also know a very hurtful deceitful side... I hope prison does give him time to reflect and be that better man....

How are you? did you get buried by the snow storm? It’s been really snowy this winter with bad air quality. I am ready for Spring... Keep in touch... Hope life is being good to you. Ben”

Stephen Schroeck wrote back, “Hi Ben! I am well. The snow didn't bury Buffalo any more than normal.  I think the actual East Coast got hit harder than their "normal."  The weather is very screwy these past few years.  Temperatures were near 50 yesterday, melting everything, very strange. In regards to your e-mail, I found simply changing your password resolves the spamming sent out from your account. I'm glad Kyle is getting the help he needs.  Clearly that boy was out of control.  It will be interesting to see if he is really absorbing the help he is getting, or if he is simply reciting what he thinks people want to hear. Stephen.”

“I changed my password so I hope that solved the problem...I guess I should change it more often...With Kyle I can’t be sure whether he's reciting, manipulating, or sincere....I hope sincere...he said his sister has stopped writing him...he applied to the School for the Incarcerated in Ohio for a correspondence class and I had his transcripts sent there but I haven't heard whether he had been accepted.

I have all his clothes...he told me to sell them or get rid of them because he didn't want things he hadn't earned...I hope he was sincere...

I know its crazier than hell but I send him a monthly stipend of about $40 so he can buy hygiene and books or treats... I know he scammed and broke both our hearts but I can't accept that we didn't see some good in him... that's why I send him money... but as the time goes by I have more ambivalent feelings...

I don't know if I could ever truly trust him again but then... in 5 years we will have both moved on.... the cute shit...

I am glad the Kyle experience did not keep you from going on with your life...but you Yankee New Yorkers are tough as nails...have to be to survive your winters.... Take care and if I hear anymore news about probation or parole I will let you know. Ben”

 

13 February 2013 Wednesday

I have the mid-winter blues I think…Just kind of blasé about everything.  Don’t care about school. Don’t care about getting laid.. Even the letter from Kyle I got today didn’t cheer me up.

Michael Aaron said he enjoyed my March Lambda Lore column on my adventure in NYC in the summer of 1989.

I guess Gayle Ruzicka didn’t show up for Jim Dabakis’ caucus but sent a Cheralyn Eager, that bitch, in her place.

 

14 February 2013 Thursday

Valentine’s Day and of course it was crazy at school. There's no Valentine’s Day like an elementary school valentine day... My room looks like a St Valentine Day massacre.

Coco didn’t come over today so don’t know what is going on there.

Chuck Whyte asked if I’d pay his phone bill of $62 so I guess he really is getting on hard street.

I got a haircut today… whoopee.

I’ve been typing up Gay events from my journal for 1989. I’m typing about October and my break up with that loser Terry Johnson. Geez what I’ll do for a fuck.

 I received a letter from Kyle today dated 10 February 2013:

Dear Ben, Happy Valentine’s Day! Hopefully this letter finds you well. Not much new here to report and I continue to do well. I’m still in Gunnison and still working as a tutor in education.

I wrote you a letter in early January, although from your most recent letter it seems you didn’t get it. I can’t remember what I wrote in it though, so you must not have missed much. It may have been the letter I told you yes, that I would like the Sunday Tribune and a Q subscription if you can get them, but maybe that was another letter.

            I got my glasses sooner than I expected a few days ago. I’m still adjusting. Fortunately they turned out to be super cute for me far more than I expected. I don’t look half bad with glasses. My friend Todd said my IQ appears to have gone up 20 points at least with them.

Thank you for your offer to help with the cost but I had plenty from your Christmas money to get them. With everything (transition lenses even) they only cost $64.41 Of course the best part is that my vision is now clearer. I just need to get used to wearing them.

Todd and Jeff say that takes about two weeks, in the meantime they sure are irritating. You know what they say…no pain no gain.

I was able to get a caseworker to let me call University of Phoenix to request transcripts so you don’t have to worry about that. I still haven’t heard from Ohio University; they must be waiting for the last transcript. I wrote them and asked for an update. Did they ever call you back? I authorized you as one of my contacts with them so they should tell you anything about my file.

I’ll probably wait a few more weeks to follow up to give them a chance to get the transcripts from U of Phoenix before I write again. Everything in prison takes forever.. so one thing I’ve learned is patience.

Hopefully you and the dogs are enjoying your valentine’s day. I’ll write again soon when I have more to say or if anything exciting happens.

Love Kyle

 

15 February 2013 Friday

Up much of the night comforting a sick dog... Daisy was on the bed with me something she doesn't usually do on her own and I was woken by her heaving up…then she wanted to be held so I rubbed her belly but then I needed my sleep so I went into the movie room and then Buddy started barking because I had shut the gate and he wanted in to be with me... when I finally got up at 6, I found Daisy had spewed all over the bed this liquid black bile and where it hit the sheets it went down all the way through two layers of mattress covers!

So I stripped the bed  and did a load of wash before school but the good news is she acts like she is fine now. Gave her some Pepto bismo and she's out barking guarding the yard. Have no idea what caused it except I gave her some baby carrots with her food last night... Doggie stomach flu I guess...glad I wasn't in bed with her for the spew fest...

Daisy must have had a really rough night because there's spew in the hallway and on the front room carpet...oh well I got it off the wood floors but the carpet will have to wait until I get home from work... if there's more spew when I get home I will take her to the vet but I think she is much better now...

Daisy is resting this evening but not eating... not throwing up anymore either....she's been active but now resting on the bed with me... She wants her mama when she’s not feeling good. Gave her more Pepto bismo and just want her tummy to rest. She is drinking water and she can afford to miss a few meals. So we will see how it goes tonight... I spent the evening rolling corn tortillas with a cheese filling for tomorrow’s party.

In the news a meteorite broke over Russia…hurt over 1000 people mostly from shattered glass.. the pictures were spectacular.

 

16 February 2013 Saturday

I Spent all morning cleaning the house really well. Daisy is feeling better... still not entirely up to snuff... She won't eat any dog food but I got water in her and some link sausages, cheese, and biscuit... so her appetite is coming back slowly... all her messes are cleaned up and I scrubbed the floor to get up Buddy's little pee surprises... geez doesn't he know how to use the doggie door... the answer is yes! I guess what's a little pee between friends... that's why God created bleach and laminate flooring.

I got down on my knees and scrubbed the floors. They were pretty dirty but since the snow is finally melting it wasn’t long before little muddy foot prints were all over my clean kitchen floor again.

I met Charles Frost for lunch at 1 and we went to Zupas on 6th East and 300 South at the site where I use to work for Utah Title some 25 years ago. They are building a huge apartment complex where the old Juel Apartments use to be… wow!

Zupas actually was pretty good and I had a bowl of onion soup and a pulled pork sandwich. The place was filled with young people so must be the happening place.

 Afterwards we went back to his Townhouse and visited until leaving to go to Seth’s and Michael’s “All About Tea class”. Charles and I just caught up on things since we hadn’t seen each other in a while. He said Valerie took off for two weeks to go back to Maine on family business. That gal sure gets a CEO’s package.

At the All About Tea Class, it was the first time I tasted tea brewed from leaves and not in bags... The boys will be doing this monthly...I Gave them $20 although it was only $15 to attend... It was very informative, fun and well worth the money since you get product and the facilitators aren't half bad to look at! (Whoops that's the Gay man in me talkin')

You get to sample about 6 different types of tea and I guarantee there is one you have never tried before...Go... support local...support guys from our community.

 

 Afterwards I went home to get ready for a Fiesta and movie night with Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson, I cooked the enchiladas I made yesterday and straighten up again.

They came over about 6:30 and I had sautéed bell peppers, Spanish rice and enchiladas and we had margaritas. I told Charles Frost earlier that these boys make me happy and they are examples of why we worked so hard to make a better world for Gay people then we had.

After dinner we retired to the movie room and we watched Ferdinand the Bull and The Ritz since neither had seen them before. We are going to try and have a once a month Gay movie night. Of course they loved the movie. Then I showed them how to use the hot tub and left them to have some romantic time while I went to my room and read my FB and email accounts while they soaked.

After they were through we visited in the front room about history and I told them about the Charles Van Dam and Christine Bradley’s sex stories regarding Gordon B Hinckley. They left about 11:30 and it was a really fun. I love intelligent people. I felt like I had my own salon.

 

17 February 2013 Sunday

Well since no one wants to go hot tubbing with me this fine Sunday, I guess I will have to take a dip myself... excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable like 104 degree water.

After taking in the waters I am relaxing with a spot of Lady Earl tea and a jolly bit of biscuits. Delightful lads them boys of the Queens Tea... What-what Cheerio!

This tea that Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson are selling through their company The Queen's Tea is so good... I don't know what I was drinking before but it certainly wasn't tea if this is tea... I'm ready to reclaim the word tea from the tea baggers.

I finished watching the 13 episodes of House of Cards today and I watched a cute movie called “Butter” with Hugh Jackman in it… fun movie.

Bill Romero called me about 9 pm. He was at the hospital with Faye and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted me to have Michael Romero call her. She wants to make peace with him…She sounded so rough and tired her voice was like talking through water. I told her I loved her and wished her a happy birthday. She didn’t even know it was her birthday so I may have been the only one to wish her one. 

I then texted Mike, because who knows where he is, and told him to call his mother or he will regret it the rest of his life if she passes before he does. I told him I’d give anything to talk to my mother again. Death is so final…

I wrote this letter to Kyle Foote: “

Dear Kyle,   Thanks for the Valentine’s Day wishes. I got your letter on the 14th.  I know sometimes it’s hard to write when nothing seems to be happening but I am always interested in your thoughts on subjects not just what is going on in your life.

I talked to Michael Aaron about a subscription to the Q but he said that he’s tried sending issues to the state prison but they have turned him down. He wrote me, “Actually, when we've tried to send to the prison, we have been denied in the past. I never looked into why.”

When I tried to subscribe on line to the Salt Lake Tribune they wanted a home address… so I will have to try to talk to someone live and see what they do for the incarcerated.

I am glad you got your glasses so soon… I am sure they take some getting used to but your eyes are so important and besides you will always look handsome no matter what. It’s been my experience however that "good looks" fade over time but a "good heart" just gets stronger.

Transition lenses? Pretty cool.

Glad you got the Phoenix business squared away and hope you here from Ohio soon.      

Daisy was really sick last Thursday… She was heaving while on the bed because she wanted to be with me…but she was so restless I went into the movie room to sleep and glad I did because in the morning found she had spewed all over the bed…it was black and sticky and even seeped down through two mattress covers to the mattress.

I stripped the bed before going to work and gave her some Pepto bismo… when I came home found she had also thrown up in the front room on the carpet. She didn’t eat for two days but managed to get water down her and now she’s fine and eating again… Don’t know if she got a hold of something out side or whether she had a type of doggy flu.  Never seen such a mess from the head of the bed to the foot… But just grateful she seems to be over it but she is really attached to me now… still needs her mama I guess.

 Buddy never caught it thank goodness.     

I had Michael Ferguson and his partner Seth Anderson over for dinner last night. Made everything vegetarian for Seth. I made Cheese Enchiladas, Spanish rice, and sauté green, red, and yellow peppers. They loved it but you wouldn’t have because everything had lots of onions in them.

We watched Ferdinand the Bull a 1938 Walt Disney gay affirmative cartoon and The Ritz. There are so many old Gay theme movies they have never seen so we are going to have a once a month movie night…

The snow is almost gone around the hot tub so I told them to go use the hot tub while I do some work on the computer so they had a nice romantic time.

Earlier in the day I went to a class they are hosting on Drinking Tea for their  business called The Queen’s Tea. About 15 people showed up so there’s an interest in their product that they are selling but just for now at Wheeler Farm.

I am going to get them in contact with Amy Barry so they can be vendors at Sugar House if there is a Sugar House this summer. Amy is considering running for City Council from her district. Jim Dabakis held a caucus meeting last Wednesday and invited Madam Ruzicka to speak… did you hear the outrage all the way down to Gunnison? Well she was a no show anyway.

 I was nice and told Jim I trust his judgment.

I saw on Face book that your sister Jamie is trying to get a job with the Office of Court Administration but is discouraged because she heard there were over 250 applicants for the same job. I guess with the boys all in upper grades maybe she feels like she doesn’t need to stay home or she wants her own money…

Someone hacked my email so I had to change my password but not before it sent out a spam to my friends and for some reason yours…Stephen Schroeck sent me a message to tell me that my account had been hacked.

“Hi Ben! How are you these days? Wanted to let you know I am receiving spam mail from your e-mail account, usually you can stop this by changing your e-mail password. What's the latest on Kyle?  I am well. The snow didn't bury Buffalo any more than normal.  I think the actual East Coast got hit harder than their "normal."  The weather is very screwy these past few years.  Temperatures were near 50 yesterday, melting everything, very strange.  In regards to your e-mail, I found simply changing your password resolves the spamming sent out from your account. I'm glad Kyle is getting the help he needs.  Clearly that boy was out of control.  It will be interesting to see if he is really absorbing the help he is getting, or if he is simply reciting what he thinks people want to hear. Stephen”

This coming Thursday the 21st Becky Moss, David Nelson, and I were asked by Charles Frost to be on a history panel for Ask the Elders for SAGE. Seth Anderson is going to be the moderator and ask questions for the younger people.

At school while in the office speaking with my principal this cute little 4th grade boy ran in all excited. He was almost out of breath as he said, "Two 4th grade girls are calling Gracie a butthole!" Then to emphasize the seriousness and shocking nature of the offense, he shouted "WITH A CAPITAL B!" I had to turn away to keep from laughing.... Just so you know there is still innocence in this sometimes weary world....

We held a lock down practice at school mandated by the district… we have to do them like fire drills now. What kind of world are we living in…so sad? 

The Mormon Church filed an amicus brief in support of Proposition 8 and for the defense of DOMA- “Marriage defined as the union of one man and one woman is an axiom of Western civilization — not an attack on the civil rights of gays and lesbians,” the brief read. Tell me again how the Mormon Church is softening its stance on Gays... Mormons building bridges all right...to push Gays off of.... Where is the rank and file's outrage? There isn't any...Goose Stepping into the Celestial Kingdom... Mormons supported slavery, supported polygamy, were anti-civil rights, anti the ERA and anti-Gay Equality...when will this "inspired" church be on the right side of history instead rewriting its history?

I wish I had a left brain like you...I am so right brained that what would have taken a normal person 10 minutes... changing a toilet seat out, took me a half hour...trial and error...tools scattered over the bathroom floor...I was ready to use a hammer... then finally it started coming together... to be fair the bolts had calcified and nearly stripped.  Well at least I was able to put a curtain up in the bedroom with a flourish... I got my looks from my dad but none of his left brain...fix anything, wire anything, build anything, and all with a determined analytical mind... like you.

Been watching House of Cards on Netflix with Kevin Spacey in it. Pretty good I must say if you like Washington intrigue... Kevin Spacey is a joy to watch being ruthless as a Washington politician... You’d like it because it’s kind of like that show with Glen Close you liked. No redeeming characters.

Pope Benedict XVI is resigning! What a shocker. What is the Real Story? Is Pedophilia hitting to close to home? Has more of his Nazi past surfaced? Is the homosexual priests he surrounds himself with fuming at him for endorsing the death penalty for Gays in Kenya...? Which Cardinal or Jesuit group is forcing the Bastard out...? If he represents God on Earth is God resigning too? LOL Inquiring minds want to know. The Vatican is now allowing Joseph Ratzinger to stay in the Vatican immune from prosecution…Holy Cow!

I guess you heard both France and Illinois voted for Marriage Equality. The Old Confederacy and the States of Deseret are the main hold outs now… but segregation does end in time and eventually people will say what’s the big deal when we should be concerned about Banks that can’t fail nor Bankers that can’t be jailed.

On Valentine’s Day about 50 Gay couples showed up at the County Court Office requesting a marriage license. The county clerk was nearly crying having to read the state’s law on denying same sex couples the right to marry. Many were there with their children. I recognized some of my old Lesbian friends… We need to do more civil disobedience… like the Blacks did in the 60’s… put a human face on religious dogma that interferes with civil rights.

Chuck Whyte is in hard straights.. still can’t find work… is on food stamps, by my insistence, and I had to pay his $60 phone bill. I gave him $80 at the beginning of the month too…he should be on disability from that stroke he had years ago but you know Utah…if you have a heart beat and breathing you can work.  Don’t know what will become of him when it’s all gone…

poor old Chuck no one remembers any more all the money and time and good works he did for this community… built a community for what? So young people could Tweak all night and party like they have no responsibilities…

Charles said that poor old Fernando is really a mess and going down fast… I guess he can’t handle being in his 30’s… heard that Daniel Ogden is no longer with the Gay Hot Spot… I guess that is not fair …

 look at Seth and Michael they make me proud that my generation worked so hard to make a better world for them… I was amazed how effortlessly they said that they were a Gay couple at their Tea Class that was filled mostly with straights… something unheard of when I was their age. Oh well the “world wags on”…

Won’t have to worry about it but for a few more years… Probably wrote too much and said to much… I just miss you and our conversations… miss you more than I can ever express but can’t change the past we can just learn from it and move on and be the person that leaves more behind then worm food.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near; The grave's a fine and private place, But none I think do there embrace.

Affectionately yours Ben

 

 

18 February 2013 Monday

President’s day and no school. The Tribune calls for the LDS Church to help with Gay Equality. Michael Ferguson  wrote me this: *Gasp.*  Seth and I are reading your most recent Q piece for Family Home Evening right now. You mention the Mattachine's pamphlet "The One"--do you think the title of Boyd K Packer's infamous "To The One" was a deliberately (albeit subtly) titled to be a reply to the publication?”

 

19 February 2013 Tuesday

Back to school…

 

20 February 2013 Wednesday

I went to a meeting that Jim Dabakis held up at the capitol. It was at 4 so I was in a bit of a rush to get there after school let out.  Really don’t know my way around the capitol that much anymore and they changed the meeting from the East Senate Building to the 3rd floor of the capitol.

I attended a meeting at the state Capitol with several stakeholders in the proposed statewide “anti-discrimination bill. Jim shared some of the roadblocks that conservative Republicans are trying to attach to the bill. I admire Jim's passion and trust his judgment completely...

There was about 10 people there… the political types like Jim Gallegos, Troy Williams, Eric Ethington, etc.… Jim Gonzales’  advice to Jim put a fire in my soul... I may not live in Jim's district but he's my senator!

 I was not sure why I was invited except I guess Jim was interested in my opinion or he wanted me to record it in my journal which I am sure he knew I would, all though everything was off the records.

There’s been a momentum to have a statewide anti-discrimination law similar to Salt Lake City’s. The LDS church is even on board with it however at the last minute the Sutherland Institute and The Eagle Forum are pushing to add an amendment called the “Religious Liberty Act” which would give people who can claim religious conviction that homosexuality is wrong a free pass to discriminate.

The bill will not pass without that amendment and if the bill goes forward as is it will languish in a committee. Jim wanted some input and all agreed basically that it would set a bad precedent to let that amendment go through…

Jim called it “Bubba’s Law” so that any Bubba hick could claim Religious Liberty… Any way it was an interesting meeting but wore me out…

 

21 February 2013 Thursday

My energy level is low and I am seeing little floaties like gnats in my vision. I came home and tried to rest but perked back up to head on down to the Pride Center for the “Ask the Elders” program. Chuck Whyte got there about the time I arrived and also David Nelson. I haven’t seen him in years he’s such a recluse…

He was there with his cane. He actually looked pretty good and handsome with his white hair buzzed and a cropped short beard. I guess he has some type of bone disease and is living on disability.

Becky Moss cracked that he had the bones of a 105 year old. Becky was in her usually jovial mood… I only disagreed with Becky’s opinion on a couple of things especially her feminism.

Great night last night seeing Becky Moss and David Nelson at the “Ask the Elders”...Great turn out...even a Salt Lake Tribune reporter, Ray Parker, was in the audience...

 

22 February 2013 Friday

I Woke up feeling worn out. I didn’t even wake up to 6:30 and it had snowed again overnight, 3 inches, when yesterday was a beautiful day. Still seeing little floaties in my eyes so what is up with that?

Anyway I stayed at Washington until 4:00 because I am taking Monday off to get some more rest. I didn’t plan it because I didn’t think about it, but Monday is a Student Engagement observation…  I think I resent it a lot that the reading coach gets to set in judgment and we never get to evaluate her…

Anyway an article by Ray Parker came out in the Tribune on yesterday’s “Meet the Elders. Utah gay advocates asking for community to donate civil rights memorabilia LGBT • Next year marks the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising. BY RAY PARKER THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE PUBLISHED: FEBRUARY 22, 2013 04:49PM UPDATED: FEBRUARY 22, 2013 06:22 PM Utah gay advocates hope their community will celebrate the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising next year by donating their social-history memorabilia this year.

David Nelson, a political activist since the 1980s, told the crowd of about 35 people Thursday night they needed to help preserve Utah’s gay and lesbian social history — before it’s too late. “We’re running out of time,” Nelson said inside the Utah Pride Center for the “Ask the Elders” series.

He pointed to the University of Utah J. Willard Marriott Library, where there’s an archive of gay and lesbian history. The library is expected to soon announce a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender exhibition. “The reason we’re doing [the LGBT archive]…is we tell the story of Utah and part of that is the gay and lesbian culture that’s been here forever,” Elizabeth Rogers, a Marriott Library manuscript archivist, said in an interview.

On Thursday, the three panelists included Nelson, Ben Williams and Becky Moss, who all agreed on the most important historical event for gay people: Stonewall.

 

The Stonewall Inn tavern in New York City’s Greenwich Village was the site of several nights of raucous protests after a police raid on June 28, 1969. Stonewall is now regarded as the birth of the modern gay civil rights movement.

Williams, 61, said Salt Lake City has had a large gay and lesbian community since the 1970s, especially after Stonewall. “In 1969, there were 50 homophile [or gay friendly] groups in the entire U.S.,” Williams said. “By 1979, there were 50 just in Utah.” He rattled off the developments in Salt Lake City soon after Stonewall: the Metropolitan Community Church opening in 1972, the first openly gay bar, The Sun, in 1973, and the first community center in 1975, among others.

Williams said he has tried to preserve as much of the gay or queer history as he could, maintaining a Face book page called the Utah Stonewall Historical Society.

The trio advised the audience to donate their social-history memorabilia, such as photos, diaries and posters, to add depth to the current library’s holdings, which now includes the personal papers of leading figures in the Utah gay and lesbian civil-rights movement such as Jay Bell and Johnny Townsend.

Moss, 55, said it’s also important to remember how unsafe it was to be out as a lesbian or gay person in Utah. “It was called ‘fag bashing,’” Moss said. “We knew we could be hurt or killed.” She added it’s still important for people to come out and reveal their sexual orientation. “Tell your story,” Moss said. “Be who you are.”

The Utah Pride Center holds the Ask the Elders series, which involves a range of topics and sparks discussion between those who lived it and younger LGBT people. The next event is at 6:30 p.m. March 21 called “What have you done today to make yourself feel proud?”

When I talked to Charles Frost today he said it was a terrible day at the Center…Valerie Larabee is back and she wanted Megan Risbon, her administrative assistant, to take over the duties of Pride Day. Megan was so mad she quit! When I wrote about on Face Book  I had to leave Charles’ name out of it because Valerie is a vindictive bitch.

I wrote I heard from several friends of Megan that she quit the Pride Center today... a month ago it was Drew... How dysfunctional does the Utah Pride Center have to get before the Board does their job and get a director that does not run off its staff? Nearly a dozen people have quit the center over the past year. The institutional memory of an organization is lost with that kind of turn around... The Board is responsible to the LGBT community first and foremost not to the director... They need to clean up that mess down there before there is no center to clean up.

Wouldn't it be nice to have the director of a Gay Community Center actually like the people of the community? Get out and mingle with us instead of holed up like under siege... Very troubling...

At the beginning of the month I met with Valerie and she requested that I, and others at that meeting, not post anything about the center before running it pass her... But sorry this my Face Book page and I don't need anyone's approval to have an opinion.

Bob Henline wrote a nice post on his blog about the SAGE event from yesterday: Learn Your History! Posted by Bob Henline on Feb 22, 2013 Last night I had the pleasure of attending my first, but definitely not last, “Ask The Elders” event at the Utah Pride Center.

Last night’s panel consisted of Ben Williams, Becky Moss, and David Nelson – and if you don’t know who they are, you probably need to follow their advice and learn your history!

Ben, Becky, and David were literally pioneers in the gay civil rights movement in Utah.  Along with others, such as Michael Aaron, these were people who dug into their hearts and started community organizations, built community centers, and worked in the trenches with police, other community leaders, and elected officials to put Utah’s LGBT community on the map.

We live in Utah and we’ve got a lot of work to do, but the work we do today is built upon the foundations that these people helped to lay decades ago.  As we protest, negotiate, lobby, and participate in whatever other way we feel comfortable doing, we need to take a look back at what brought this community to this point and look at the people who turned Utah’s LGBT community into a community.  And we need to give them our thanks and our heartfelt respect. These people are heroes.”

 

23 February 2013 Saturday

I am still distraught over Charles Frost…I feel betrayed…I feel he is so afraid of Valerie Larabee… how is that healthy? I keep thinking how they took the word “Community” out of the title of the Utah Pride Center so truly it’s not a community center any more it’s a money making business to pay the salaries of it director and staff.

I’m too depressed to clean house. I just stayed in bed. I told Chuck Whyte I was not going to the SAGE event and I was so glad after seeing a picture posted on Face Book with Charles with Nikki Boyer and Megan, all smiling like nothing even happened…

So I put myself out on the line and look like a crazy person because I tried to defend Charles and now they act like they all are playing so nice? I don’t know what to think anymore…

Charles Frost wrote me this morning, “Your message is going to get me fired.”  I wrote back, “I hope not I said friends not you and if it does I will raise an army to get her fired... she is not a queen... even Michelle Turpin said that the turn over at the Center is unacceptable... I am sure you are not the only one who witnessed the fiasco on Friday... things are coming to a head I am sure...

I am about ready to tell Nikki and Jon Jepson if any more personnel disappears from the Center I will contact the Tribune, the Q and the City Weekly... They don't own this community... and that place is killing you... I can tell from how weary you are and from how sick you have been... You are a greater asset to this community then 10 Valerie’s... but if you want me to pull it off of my page I will...”

I then wrote Valerie Larabee saying, “What is going on at the Pride Center that you can't keep staff? I heard from friends of Megan that she quit...Is this true! Why is the morale of the Pride Center so low that you have a constant turn over? If anyone else leaves the center I will guarantee I will use whatever influence I still have left in this community to hold you accountable... and why wasn't the loss of thousands of dollars accounted for at the “Holigay” fiasco? What does the board think of the mismanagement of community funds? There will be accountability if I can help it.

And furthermore I certainly didn't appreciate your unprofessional conduct at the Kristen Ries meeting nor hiding behind your girlfriend. If you want to set up a meeting I will glad to talk to you and hear your side of the story. I will be also contacting Jon Jepsen and Nikki Boyer.”

Then Charles Frost and had this conversation. “It simply traces Ben. Valerie will assume. You really need to consider the serious consequences of just stating your feelings and what you've heard. You and I are friends, she knows that. I used you as the lead ATE forum. You post constantly about me. I will be ostracized even further and possibly targeted to be let go based upon this. There are times and methods, and proprieties. Valerie will in her fear of you fully confirm in her mind what she's already asked me several times. It makes my work life worse, and of all days today with a huge SAGE event.”

I responded, “Again Valerie is not a dictator... and I post about everything on my own site and I am truly sorry if this affects you in any way... but there are more people who love you then anyone at the center. There are people who will protect you...”

Charles argued, “We don't know this, and it is much more complex than that! What friends of Megan talked to you? Not even Bob Henline could get her to talk. The Board, Valerie, and other employees know WHO you are friends with. Your comment on the holiday event only makes it worse. Where and how would you know this?”

I responded, “Just because Megan doesn't talk to Megan doesn't mean she doesn't talk to others...You are too valuable to the center and they know it...yours are the only programs that are successful... Jon and Nikki won't let anything happen to you... you are too big of an asset and even Valerie knows that... That is why she wanted you... she knows beyond your skills you have a loyal following in this community... I deleted the FB comments... and told Bob just to investigate on his own... sorry that my friendship has turned into a liability...truly I am... truly... and if anything does happen to you hell has no fury...but until then I will mind my own business...”

I wrote a letter to Kyle to share my frustration with Charles attitude towards me.

“Dear Kyle,  I just feel the need to talk to you. It’s snowing again about 3 inches so maybe that is why I am feeling down.  The week didn’t start off that bad with President’s Day holiday and all. I even got an invite to a meeting that Jim Dabakis held up at the capitol. It was Wednesdays at 4 so I was in a bit of a rush to get there.  Really don’t know my way around that much and they changed the meeting from the East Senate Building to the 3rd floor of the capitol.

There was about 10 people there… the political types like Jim Gallegos, Troy Williams, Eric Ethington, etc.… not sure why I was invited except I guess Jim was interested in my opinion or he wanted me to record it in my journal which I am sure he knew I would, all though everything was off the records.

There’s been a momentum to have a statewide anti-discrimination law similar to Salt Lake City’s. The LDS church is even on board with it however at the last minute Sutherland Institute and The Eagle Forum is pushing to add an amendment  called “the Religious Liberty Act” which would give people who can claim religious conviction that homosexuality is wrong a free pass to discriminate. The ant-discrimination bill will not pass without the amendment and if the bill goes forward as is it will languish in a committee.

Jim wanted some input and all agreed basically that it would set a bad precedent to let it go through with the amendment… Jim called it Bubba’s law so any Bubba hick could claim Religious Liberty… Any way that was an interesting meeting but wore me out…

Thursday Charles Frost’s SAGE event ASK THE ELDERS was held at the center and it was the biggest turn Charles said he ever had for this kind of event. The newspaper only said about 35 people was there but there was more of them 50 chairs put out and they were filled.  Becky Moss, David Nelson, and I were on the panel with Seth Anderson moderating. He’s Michael Ferguson’s partner.

Any way, we all had a good time and I think it went well and people are hungry for their history… No one from the center showed up just SAGE and its board. I am sending you a copy of the write up. The reporter is the Tribune’s new reporter to cover Gay events.

I was really tired though and felt like I was coming down with something.  Had spots before my eyes.  So on Friday my energy level was really low. Charles and I talked that evening and he was all upset because of the fracas going on down at the Center…. Valerie’s administrative assistant quit when she was reassigned to do Pride Day which is a huge undertaking…Megan had been there for years and so there went the institutional memory of the center for several years.

Charles and four other staff went home at 4:30 rather than work out their shifts…  Any ways I was so upset with Valerie and how that place is going to the dogs I wrote on FB

 “I heard from several friends of Meghan that she quit the Pride Center today... a month ago it was Drew... How dysfunctional does the Utah Pride Center have to get before the Board does their job and get a director that does not run off its staff? Nearly a dozen people have quit the center over the past year. The institutional memory of an organization is lost with that kind of turn around...

The Board is responsible to the LGBT community first and foremost not to the director... They need to clean up that mess down there before there is no center to clean up. Wouldn't it be nice to have the director of a Gay Community Center actually like the people of the community? Get out and mingle with us instead of holed up like under siege... Very troubling... At the beginning of the month I met with Valerie and she requested that I, and others at that meeting, not post anything about the center before running it pass her... But sorry this my FB page and I don't need anyone's approval to have an opinion.”

Well I was not feeling well and kind of bitchy I know but now Charles is afraid he may lose his job because he thinks Valerie will track this information back to him… Gawd what an awful place Valerie has made of that place…

Anyway I took the post down (it's not like I had 1400 friends like you did) but it really upsets me that I may have hurt Charles and that I might lose his friend ship over it…

I messengered Nikki Boyer and Valerie and Jon Jepsen and said there better not be any repercussion against anyone at the center or I will personally use any influence I have left to force Valerie to resign if she goes on a vendetta…

Any way I really don’t care about the shit hole they made of that place (well I do) but I care more that I may have done something that will destroy Charles and my friendship.  I just want to cry all day and trying to put out fires…

If this is what this community has become “pot smoking lesbian dykes” alienating the rest of the community because they have a siege mentality then I am done.

I closed my FB account to viewers and dropped some of the groups that Charles and I belong too.

Tonight is a SAGE pot luck but I don’t want to go and see any disappointment on his face.

I miss you so much. Sometimes I felt like I could only talk to you… that you could keep me from being Crazy Ben…

            I have been sleeping all day depressed when not sending off heated exchanges between Nikki Boyer and Valerie… I am not afraid of no Dykes. My poor attempt at humor. I sometimes wish I was locked away with you and I could just see your face again.

Well I am going to end now because I am maudlin and if I don’t post this now I will change my mind. Ben

 

24 February 2013 Sunday

I didn’t leave the house today. I finally did my 2012 taxes through Turbo Tax… I didn’t make nearly the refund I had last year or the year before. I am only clearing about a $1000 this year compared to $1500 last year… I am So happy the Republicans have fought so hard to keep taxes going up on Millionaires.

I have been watching episodes of the Twilight Zone… the best writing in television history…

I did watch the Oscars this year which I normally don’t. Seth MacFarland hosted it this year which lots of people criticized but I thought he was okay… Daniel Day Lewis won for his portrayal of Abe Lincoln. And Argo was best picture other than that I didn’t care.

Well I got my taxes done another think marked off my list. I think I am still in a funk over the falling out Charles and I had.

 

25 February 2013 Monday

I took the day off and so glad I did just to rest more and I finally got laid again. I have been corresponding with Mike from Wisconsin who is out here in Salt Lake to do a job. We haven’t been able to connect until now. He was staying at the Sleep Inn in South Jordan and I drove down there. He had worked a graveyard shift and said just to come into his room if he was sleeping which he was…I took my clothes off and crawled into bed with him.

He was a tall Midwestern looking guy and we made out until I climbed on top of his and rode him until he came. I surely needed it. I stayed for about 45 minutes until he was satisfied and I let him go back to sleep and I went back home to get my truck.

The snow had melted enough in the driveway to finally get the truck out of the garage. It was supposed to have been registered last January but we have had over 60 days of snow on the ground piling up in front of the driveway.

I was down at Jiffy Lube at 10 a.m. thinking it being Monday it wouldn’t take long but I was wrong ! It was two hours. It had never taken that long before! I don’t think I will go back there but at least that is done now.

I had promised Chuck Whyte that I would take him to lunch at Chuck A Rama because I felt guilty about not taking him to the Pot Luck last Saturday Night. We didn’t get there until about 12:30 and of course Chuck ate his fill.

Chuck can never quite read me or grasp what I am going through with Charles Frost so we just had a vacuous visit…

 

For the rest of the day I napped and spent time with Coco, Buddy, and Daisy, watched more episodes of the first season of the Twilight Zone and opened an account on Bear411 again online. I get immediate hits from people out of state…Why am I so unattractive to people in Utah?

I talked to this guy in Florida, Ontario, Canada, and this kid in San Francisco… I am too old to travel and too poor to pay for someone to come here.

Weather is gorgeous and is expected to be in the 40’s by the first of March and that will melt what remaining snow we have unless a new storm comes in.

 

26 February 2013 Tuesday

At school the 6th grade was acting up so badly some even swearing at the new teacher that Jeny Petersen and I suggested to Principal Liz Beck that we teach 6th grade next year. It might be a good thing.

I came home so tired that I fed the dogs, took Coco home, fed myself and then went to bed.

I don’t know if Charles Frost and I can reconcile after this past weekend. I know I will not be going to any Pride Center functions… I am done with that nonsense.

All that is in the news is the “Sequestration”.

I watched some Twilight Zone,  which I feel I am in, until hitting the sack at 9:30.

Jeny Petersen called for a 8:00 meeting tomorrow to discuss helping the 6th grade teachers.

Megan Risbon definitely has not quit the center… so I have no idea why Charles would tell me that.

 

27 February 2013 Wednesday

I had an early morning meeting at 8 to discuss with Jeny Petersen what to do with the kids in 6th grade. They are yelling and swearing at the teachers.

 

At home I was in a discussion with Jon Schild about Jay Bell who was this Gay Mormon historian who died after being hit by a car... I have a disc of some of his chronologies...It was he who negotiated with the LGBT Community Center to get the Stonewall Archives back to donate to Marriott Library... He called me the day before he died and left a message on my phone...It was heartbreaking hearing his voice and knowing he was gone.

He wrote a book about the interactions between the LDS church and the gay world from 1945 up until about 2000. It is about 650 pages, of which around 200 are bibliography and notes.

I went to the funeral and his wake up in Federal Heights...I brought funeral potatoes...I thought Jay would have gotten a kick out of that..

Jon Schild wrote I still have my edited version of Jay's book. As you know, due to his vision problems he never had a very clear idea of spelling and punctuation, and not too long before his death he gave me the book to proofread. There is also a little editing, but not much. Lavina Fielding was doing some verification on the 200 pages of bibliography, but I have not heard from her in some time. I hate to see this just sit here. It should be available. What do you two suggest I do? I will get with you and take them and get them in the right place so all his work and can be saved...”

I said to Jon Schild: I knew he was working on a book before he died and some people at Affirmation were going to do something with it...Have you talked to Signature Books about it?”

Jon Schild wrote back, “Correction, that's about 850 pages, not 650. I haven't talked to anyone except Lavina, because she supposedly had everything set to publish it as soon as it was ready. I don't know how that finally came out.

I suggested “You could donate it to the Marriott Library as special collections in his name...they are asking for donations for the 45 anniversary of Stonewall...David Nelson has contact information for the Marriott.”

Connell O'Donovan added “I would check with Lavina. If she has a signed contract to publish it, she may be willing to go ahead with the project. Her email is <lavina@elavina.org>.”

Jon responded, I wouldn't mind giving a copy to the library, but I would like to see the book available to others. I'll get a hold of Lavina. That isn't even the same e-mail address I knew.”

 

28 February 2013 Thursday

I am finally feeling better...although it was hard to wake up this morning... but tomorrow is March Yay! It was a long day at school because of Math and Literacy Night.  I volunteered to dish out the food...

My poor pups will have to wait until tonight, right? Will they be starving? They certainly will think they are!

Our school fed 350 adults and children dinner for Literacy night... grandparents, parents, and kids... people are hungry in Utah but we don't acknowledge it...

I spent my evening dishing up fried rice and Orange Chicken...just wait until Republicans force austerity on us, rather than having the wealthiest and the most affluence pay a little more back to our nation... They didn't become billionaires without the rest of us...

 

 

MARCH

1 March 2013 Friday

I love this thought “You are the result of the love of thousands”. Stayed longer after school then I wanted to, with a meeting about the 6th Grade behavior.  I will probably teach 6th grade next year with Mrs. Everson teaching a split and Mrs. Petersen teaching 5th grade.

I came home and bought a pizza from Papa Murphy’s and then spent the next two hours cleaning the house. So glad for company tonight because it makes me clean the house...I had the inestimable Bill Poore and the incomparable Amy Barry over for pizza and a movie. Good company and good times...

Bill Poore wrote: “Thanks for the Pizza and making me watch Lincoln again, I liked it even more this time. I just love Lincoln so much as a man and as president. I just wished we had more like him today, sadly we don't. They are all bought and paid for. He said it is about equality and justice. When you have a Congress controlled by money there is no justice just words that don't mean shit.”

 

2 March 2013 Saturday

I think I will have some lovely Queen's Tea Lady Gray this morning instead of coffee...I am feeling kind of fey, this bright sunny March 2nd. Its Gonna get to 50 today and melt all my cares and snow away... I saw a robin a few days ago...and spring cleaning is starting to nudge at me. The Winter of our discontent is almost over... snow mostly gone...50 degrees...soaked in the hot tub 104 degrees... I took Buddy and Daisy for a ride so they could bark at everyone... Bill Poore calls it bad parenting ...I’m eating left over pizza and writing a column for the Q Salt Lake ...

Life is good...however the dreaded day lights saving times is next Saturday....

The Mormons go again reinventing themselves... polygamy is no longer essential to the highest degree of glory...monogamy is the preferred relationship... saying blacks were given the priesthood by Joseph Smith so church can’t be racist ... and no one can figure out how it changed... the Pearl of Great Price is now an "inspired translation" instead of a literal "translation"... Mormons are a peculiar people indeed LOL ... my grandma always called them queer LOL but she was from Texas.

Bill Poore wrote: “I hope I did not go too far on the Kyle issue. You have been pretty silent on the subject, which makes me nervous. I say that because I have been there done that.”

I said, “Don't be...I am fine... I have never told Amy Barry that I am writing Kyle nor told her that I am sending him money... She has very strong convictions about people and betrayal and I respect that ...Kyle was staying with Amy after he left me the 1st of October and was there when he turned himself in that December... she had no clue what he had done to me...nor that he was bringing guys back to her place to fuck without her knowledge...

I did not know Amy well at all before Kyle’s arrest and I am the one who told her and she told Kyle's boyfriend Marty Alder and Kyle's best friend Christine Johnson... Amy went into therapy like I did, with Jerry Buie, for several months...She started coming over to the house with Greg Harden who Kyle lived with before I met Kyle... I think it was therapy for her...

 

She is a very strong person and I like Amy a lot but I don't talk to her about Kyle... Her hatred of Kyle is stronger than her like of me and is afraid of Kyle...She had all her locks changed... put a check on her finances... She told me that if I ever received Kyle back she would have to end our friendship... so I don't discuss Kyle with her...

I was trying to steer the conversation away from Kyle for that reason... You are much more closer to me than Amy is but I think she is a great person...but there's this Kyle issue between us... and maybe its low self-esteem I don't know what but I can't abandon him...I love him too much ... and he's safe behind bars... so there you go. I don’t expect anyone to understand how I feel about Kyle because I am not sure that I do either. I just don’t want to discuss it.”

Bill Poore replied, “Dear friend you are sending him money? Just a thought, there so many other people out there that really need help and would benefit far more from your money and mentoring than Kyle.

Ben as a friend you should not be sending him money, what Amy said last night is correct, Kyle cannot change, it is a physical thing in his brain. He has done nothing to earn your support. If he had not been caught he would have continued what he was doing. He lied to everyone,. Sorry Ben sending money is way too much.

I believe his intention in writing you was to open that door again. You can say it was you who offered but it was him that got the entire thing stirred up again in your mind. I love you Ben; however, this was his problem and you are now making it your problem.

It is wrong, you cannot rationalize this to me. It is none of my business but I know from my own life experience and relationships with people like Kyle you sending him money is not coming from a healthy place in you.

Sorry, I think you should talk to a therapist and ask them point blank what they think. I know what they would say.

Ben Kyle uses people; he is using you again. You have worked too hard in your life to go down this road at this point. Yeah he is in jail now but you know damn well you would invite him back in. You are wrong Ben. I love you . Bill

            I wrote back: “I was sending money every month since he was incarcerated....even during the 9 months he didn't write at all...he didn't start writing to get money...I send him $25 a month a little more at Xmas and his birthday... sociopath or not he's my family and if its organic as I believe, I am not going to abandon him...I am not built that way... I spend way more money on Chuck Whyte...I gave him $150 last month and I take him to a buffet at least twice a month or more...

DO NOT ever mention that to Chuck... I do a lot that I don't tell people...I have my reasons... I don't expect anyone to understand so I keep a lot to myself ... I do this for me as much as for anyone... Christ told us to remember those in prison...he's the only one I know... I don't know that I'd invite him back in... 5 years is a long time and I will be 67...

            Bill Poore responded: “You are such a strong willed person. You are going to do what you feel you need to do, but there is an old saying I love. "You don't bullshit a bullshitter, steal from a thief, and lie to a liar. I am all those so everything you said you have rationalized in your mind; I know I can’t change that. Still love you even though I think you are a fool on this one.”

 

Then I countered: “I was a fool to spend 16 years with someone who didn't love me...I was a fool to be in love with John Cunningham to the day he died...I was a fool to spend so much of my life, time, money, and energy on a community that doesn't give a shit. If I only spent my life on what others said I should do it wouldn't be my life...

I am not pining over Kyle...I am out in the community as a single 62 year old man can be...I am still sexually active...I am interested in life...I am not a recluse... Kyle is not the focus of my life...He writes me once or twice a month I only write back in response...I don't initiate the letters...

When he was first arrested I put $30 in his account...I have done almost as much each month and will continue to do so. He had the prison officials  block any letters from me a year ago this January...it does not matter if I ever hear from him again...I am going to send him money...I want him to know there is someone in this weary world that cares if he lives or dies... his family doesn't.

How many times have I've even brought up Kyle to you...You’re the one who asked if I was feeling blue over Kyle not me. You asked how Amy and I knew each other...I didn't get into a big discussion about it... I don't dwell on Kyle and mope around... this is the most I've talked about him months.

I only was blue over Charles and it was through Kyle that I even met Charles...Almost everyone I react with now are post Kyle. Hell even sweet Michael Ferguson I met through Kyle.

I am okay... cleaning house, talking dirty with sexy pen pals, disgusted that everyone who thinks I am still hot, is out of state... rethinking things... I really appreciate your concern and if I felt like I was going off the deep end I would confide in you...I am more worried what the next object of my affection will do to me then worry about Kyle... I spend more money a month on Soda Pop then I send Kyle.

Bill Poore, replied, “Well soda pop isn’t good for you either....so there.” And I answered, “No its not but ha! and in 20 years or less it won't matter whether I drank 2 liters a day or loved Kyle... the world will wag on and my little story will not be known to anyone ...there will be new Gay lovers ... more cads to break hearts ... my little story is not unique.”

 

3 March 2013 Sunday

I had homemade raspberry yogurt griddle cakes and hot coffee on this rainy Sunday morning... I am washing the grit and grime away, left from the melting snow with a hose.  Welcome, welcome Sunday morning.

I emailed my column to Seth Bracken the editor of the Q. Just finished working on a column for the Q Salt Lake...Took me 4 hours to research it, compose it, edit it, and send it off. It's on the origins of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah...one of the creations that Gay Utah should be most proud of...a working democratic community building organization. No other Gay Community in America had done that...

All you had to do was Pay your dues and vote and help shape policies affecting us...instead of having board members picking directors making policies affecting us...

            What a fun evening it turned out to be ...I invited Kent Scadlock and Chuck Copeland over for a bowl of soup and a dip in the hot tub...they are great guys and we had a good soak when my friends Michael Ferguson and Seth Anderson asked to come over to watch a movie. They brought a friend, John Bonner with them and arrived as Kent and Chuck was leaving...

So I fed those boys and we watched “Gay Deceivers” in the movie room... The movie was from 1969 and about two Guys who pretend to be Gay to avoid being drafted...I think they enjoyed it...

Before they left I gave John and Seth a fun little personality test...the old house was full of queer energy tonight... now to bed.. night all.

This is the column I wrote for the Q:

“On October 4, 1986, during Chuck Whyte’s 5th annual Unity Show, Greg Garcia, a founding member of the Wasatch Leather men and Motorcycle Club, stood on the Backstreet stage and addressed a large Gay audience. 

He stated, “I, as master of the Wasatch Leather men, invite the heads of all Gay and Lesbian bars, organizations, and groups to join me in a meeting to begin the vital exchange of aid and information. …Brothers and Sisters we face the most dire crisis in our long history. Through unity we can find hope. Through unity we will fight oppression from within and without.”

And so was born the only representative organization in Utah’s Gay history, the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah.

Two months went by before various leaders of Gay organizations could agree to meet to discuss Greg Garcia’s proposal for unifying the community, a concept which was tried by the Utah Community Service Center and Clinic in 1985  but failed.  

On 4 December 1986, meeting in the Fellowship Hall of the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church, 13 Gay male community leaders and a gay business man, met to form what would become the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah.

While Gay women were invited to the meeting, it would be several months before a women attended and several years before the women’s community decided to take an active role in the council.

Those who were behind the push for a meeting, to discuss how to organize the community, were Ben Barr of the AIDS Project Utah, Rev. Bruce Barton of RMCC and Greg Garcia, Master of the Wasatch Leather Men.

The initial purpose for the meeting was to create a type of forum where community organizations could communicate among each other  and not  book events on top of other group’s major events.  The grand idea of the initial meeting was to create a sort of “United Nations” of Utah’s Gay interest groups.

Rev. Barton stated, “ I see our organization as a loosely formed council that’s doing information sharing and keeping everyone up dated.”

Those that caught the vision of unifying, in the face of political oppression and the onslaught of AIDS, were John Cooper, director of  Salt Lake Affirmation, Ben Barr, director of  AIDS Project Utah, Donny Eastepp, President of Golden Spike Rodeo Association, Curtis Jensen officer in the Lesbian and Gay Student Union of the University of Utah, Rev. Bruce Barton, Pastor of  Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church, Bruce Harmon a representative of the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire, John Sassaman, editor of the Triangle Magazine, Greg Garcia and Les Emmett, representing the Wasatch Leather and Motorcycle Club, Beauchine, representing the Utah Community Center and Clinic, Michael Aaron owner of Art Attack, David Nelson, and Graham Bell representing Gay Community Inc.

            The main divisive issue among the participants was whether the purpose of the group should be political or social. The strong personalities at the meeting had very different and divergent concepts in what direction the community should be headed.

The more conservative older faction felt the community should not make waves or call attention to itself out side of the Gay community. The younger more politically active faction pushed to have the forum become a PAC.

This initial meeting could not even come up with a name for the group because of the many trust issues preventing any consensus. The principle item decided at this organization meeting was that they should meet again next month and on the first Thursday of each month. And that was a start.

At the January, 1987 meeting of the "community council", which was the working designation for the group, there were no official officers or minutes kept.  Members still could not agree on even purpose of the council nor membership qualifications.

Member Michael Aaron did announced that he was launching the Utah Gay and Lesbian Anti- Violence Project to track hate crimes against homosexuals.

The following month, February 1987, the 12 people in attendance, representatives from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, AIDS Project Utah, the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire, The Gay Rodeo Association, Triangle Magazine, KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians, and Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church, were still debating the appropriateness of supporting political causes.

By March the council still had no regular officers or a secretary. However by the end of the meeting, Jon Sassaman of the Triangle Magazine was elected pro tem chair. The most important decision made by the council at this time, was adopting the motion to take over the official responsibility for Gay Pride Day Activities.

In April, 1987 I finally attended my first Community Council meeting for the first time. John Sassaman of the Triangle Magazine, acting Chair of the Council, finally had another officer to support him. Rev. Bruce Barton was elected acting Secretary/Treasurer. A position eventually I would serve, as Secretary, for three terms.

  The Council voted finally that all proposals and motions had to pass with a 2/3 majority. Until this meeting, all proposals had to be unanimous to pass.  At this meeting also, Donny Eastepp, co-owner of the In-Between bar was chosen to be chair the Pride Day Committee after he had reserved Sunnyside Park for a July 12th celebration of Pride.

Salt Lake had a history of a late starting date for Pride Day, due to the Royal Court’s insistence that late June was a bad time due to the amount of people who wanted to go to San Francisco for its Pride Parade. The Council later would vote that Pride Day was to be held in June and not be held hostage by the few who wanted to leave the state.

In May the council was six months old and already had two subcommittees, AVP [The Anti-Violence Project] and Gay Pride Day and had two pro temp officers. However during the two and a half hour May meeting the committee still wrangled over how political did the council want to become and who in the community does the council actually represent.

A division began to arise between the “solitary activists” and those who represented organizations. The only thing decided on at this meeting, by a majority vote, was holding a media event on June 30th to protest Utah’s refusal to fund the AIDS Project Utah. One suggestion was to blow up condoms with helium and set them loose over the state capitol.

The fledgling council did not meet in June due to people’s busy schedules and getting Pride Day organized;  but at July’s forum  Pride Day’s success was discussed. The Pride Committee reported a rousing surplus of $800 which became seed money for next year’s event. The council also voted on sponsoring Gay Day at Lagoon and renting the Heber Creeper for an AIDS fund raising benefit.

And still the question of politics was brought up. The council voted to organize a task force to investigate again whether the council should become more politically involved as a Political Action Committee.

The council also  talked about raising funds to sponsor sending Mel Baker, co-host of KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians, as a representative of Utah  for the March on Washington in October. He was already a member of the National Committee but lacked funds to get back to Washington. The council provided him with the funds.

The month of August in Utah is hot and so was its 1987 Council meeting. Graham Bell related how Dr. Craig Nichols; the states epidemiologist was refusing to use federal AIDS funds intended for the Gay community within the Gay community. 

Then John Sassaman resigned as pro tem chair as his health steadily declined due to AIDS. Before he did, there was a major blow up between John Sassaman and Graham Bell over how the council was to be organized. After many heated words the council voted to postpone officially organizing once again which made people angry.

Privately John told me that some members of the council have sabotaged all attempts at organizing except on their terms.  He told me that he no longer had the strength to fight those who wanted to use the council for their own agendas.

At the meeting a feisty election took place between Mark Lamar, Lyle Bradley, and John Bennett, all running for the position of Chair. John Bennett was elected and Lyle Bradley was elected vice-chair.

After the heady confrontational August meeting, September’s council was contrite. It had a smaller turn out than usual but the council did decide to form a committee to record anti-Gay attacks.  Michael Aaron agreed to chair the committee because of his involvement with his own Anti-Violence Project.

 After the resignation of John Sassaman, the Triangle Magazine folded and Satu Servigna, a Gay woman, announced  to the council that she had taken over the Triangle and was undergoing a transformation of it to be more of  a  community digest. That paper would exist until 1990 until her own health issues forced her to shut down the magazine.

Finally in October 1987 the community council held an organizational meeting at Beauchaine’s Aardvark Café on 4th South near 3rd West. The five hour meeting of eleven Gay men and one Gay woman struggled with creating by-laws to set procedures for voting, membership, and a statement of purpose. I and others were bound and determined that the solo activists, who represent no one but themselves, would not have equal status with leaders of organizations who represented groups of people.

The community council, I argued, was established originally as a place for organizations to network with each other not to push the personal agendas of some people. I passed a motion, which was adopted, that individuals would have one vote and organizations could have three members and with three votes, insured that Organizations would dominate the council.

While the by-laws could not officially be adopted until voted on in November, we did officially adopt the name of the organization finally as “The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah”.

In November the GLCCU’s by-laws were adopted, after a last minute attempt by some to alter them after having failed to get the necessary votes to do so at the October by-law meeting. However the solo activists were unsuccessful and any big changes to the by-laws were voted down.

At the 1st anniversary of Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah, over 40 people were present. There Graham Bell spurred a lively and heated debate for 3 ½ hours trying to persuade  the council to endorse him as the head of a liaison committee to the Mayor of Salt Lake with him choosing its four other members. GLCCU voted no to Graham Bell’s proposal. 

My main concern about the liaison proposal was the lack of accountability to the Gay Community of whom they would say they are representing. Accusations were flying about Graham Bell’s veracity, there were tears, and there was outrage.  It was very emotional.  Many felt Bell was setting himself up as a king maker...others genuinely believed he was trying to strengthen our Gay influence in the Mayor office.

The vote was 11 for and  22 against and 4 abstaining. I voted no because I thought how could Graham Bell hope to represent the community when he tried so little to compromise?  Everyone at the council wanted a Mayor liaison. That idea was sound.  That wasn't the issue.  It was who would decide the criterion for those appointed to the committee? That and the perceived token representation of the Lesbian Community on the liaison committee was Grahams’ down fall.

It was 9:30 before the council finally got to the rest of the night’s agenda.  Beau Chaine was asking for $250 to help maintain the Gay Help Line for the holidays when the most suicide calls occurred.  The council voted to give him $75.00 from its meager funds.

When I was my turn to give an organization report, I reported on the formation of the Utah Names Project to create panels for AIDS victim  I also announced the newly formed Unconditional Support for Gays and Lesbians organization and spoke of the needs of KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians of which I was now a co-host with its producer Becky Moss.

It was after 11 p.m. when we finished the meeting.  It was so out of control. But that’s the price of democracy.

Eventually the Community Council incorporated with the state of Utah and filed for a nonprofit status with the United States. An AIDS subcommittee, a Public relation subcommittee, and the Utah Stonewall Center subcommittee joined with the Pride Day and AVP committees.

The GLCCU organized rallies, protests, and worked with the city which recognized the Community Council on the same status as any other community council in Salt Lake neighborhoods.

The long lasting value of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah, however, was that for the first time the movers and shakers, as well as passive on lookers, of the Queer community, were talking to each other face to face. We got to know each other, and while there was never a total agreement on all issues, the council was a representational forum for the entire Queer community.

Anyone could join, pay their ten dollars and have a say and a vote. Salt Lake City was light years ahead of any other Gay community in America by exercising representational democracy.

I miss that. I miss that an 18 year old or an 81 year old could help make policy for Gay Utah. Maybe it will come back some day.

            Bob Henline wrote: “Sounds to me like rebirth is in order”.

Connell O'Donovan added: It was truly a representative government for our community. Frustrating and messy, loving and effective. I looked forward to our meetings every month. They were powerful and empowering....”

Jon Schild commented: “I enjoyed the two years I spent as a delegate also.”

Robert Smith who moved to Minnesota wrote: “enjoyed my time as sec. as well.  You Ben truly are the rock of Gay life in SLC. You were there in the early growth years and guided many into the Gay people we are today. I use the wisdom and inspiration learned from you to help me as the president of the Minnesota leather pride board and Vice president of the Atons of Minneapolis. I would not be the person I have become if it were not for you.”

I responded: So few remain here from that time... I am just seen more as a Curmudgeon than a Classic... Miss you Bobbie... come visit. I live by the airport and have a spare room... bring your hubby...” Our friend Jimmy Hamamoto who now lives in Boston added: “Ben's spare room is 'just right" A testimonial.”

Then I said that I wasn’t always loved at the GLCCU. I wrote I remarked: “I thought Queer Nation was going to run me out of town after standing up for Affirmation for holding "slave" auction that was being condemned by Queer Nation at a community council meeting LOL...

Connell O'Donovan responded to that saying: “We love you anyway, you old curmudgeon. But I still stand by Matt Landis calling them on it. In certain venues (i.e. leather events), a slave auction is fine but in such a public venue, it was bordering on racist.”

I stood by my actions and said: “No I still feel it’s still wrong for one group in the community to be attacking another group and when you make distinctions that it’s all right for the leather community to have voluntary slaves but not others its hypocritical... slavery in itself is inherently wrong not because its racist...all races have been slaves and all races have owned slaves... I stand by my convictions...and as I recall it was Rene Rinaldi attacking me, pushing her finger in my chest that caused the blow up... I was being assaulted yet everyone came to her defense when I stood up against her...there was a lot of anger in Queer Nation...that was being turned inward not outward... I guess being a curmudgeon is also standing your ground.”

 

4 March 2013 Monday

Yay, it’s March 4th and it’s just weeks away from Spring. It’s the last week of Standard time. It will be Daylight savings by this time next week.

In the news, I guess the old Pope is gone and a new one will be picked this week.

I went with my class to Abravanel Hall to hear the Utah Symphony perform its 5th grade performance . It was so much better this year and I am in love with Vladimir Kulenovic the assistant Conductor...His Russian accent is adorable. He's animated, lively, and cute as hell...oh yes he's also a wonderful conductor!

 

5 March 2013 Tuesday

The snow is all gone in the front yard and I found that someone had put a water drenched letter from Kyle Foote in my mail box from last January! It must have fallen out of the mailbox into the snow and had been covered with snow all these months until the snow thawed. I had to let it dry before I could read it and was afraid that it would be smeared but the water didn’t make the ink run and I could read it.

Charles Frost sent me an ice breaker message on FB and I responded: I love you Charles it hurts me that I might have hurt you ... That is why I stopped posting much... You are so right I sometimes get to passionate and forget who I might hurt... I really adore you and Doug and was just laying low.”

Charles Frost wrote back: “I knew this about you, and I was respecting that. I too was getting a bit of a breather before we talked. I don't think it needs to be a huge patching up--because we love you too. I just have to have some ground rules. I know you understand this. I am concerned and was fearful of being fired. You know that. Your passion is a wonderful characteristic, but you once told me ‘to come to you and vent and not take it to Doug.’ Then it becomes very public and it jeopardizes me, my employment, and our financial security at this time. I do not like to walk on eggshells anywhere, especially at work.”

Rocky O’Donovan wrote this to Bill Poore about the faeries: About the Faeries The Radical Faeries are a bunch of Fags and other Queer Folk who are finding ways to know ourselves and each other (same thing) in deeper and deeper ways. We meet in circles and in gatherings and in sanctuaries where we can come to know each other face to face.

In our explorations we... do rituals…create communities…go to gatherings… do drag… travel… perform… have heart … circles…talk…listen…make love… have sex… dance naked… honor our dead… cry… sing…laugh… argue… share visions… search for meaning… care for the sick…protect the earth…sew ….cook together…make art… tend gardens… make bonfires… watch the stars… commit heresies …cover each other with mud… exchange frocks and makeup tips…attempt anarchy …help each other out…play…

For some this is a spiritual journey, for some it's a way to create community, and for some it's a form of play. For others, it's a combination of all three. In many ways, we are finding ways to speak to each other's souls.

There are many aspects to what we do when we gather. In our heart circles, we share our hearts and truth with each other. In our gatherings we hold circles and form a community for a few days or a week or two. Our sanctuaries are places where we form a community for one year or many, welcome and comfort visitors, and hold gatherings.

 In short, we do many things as faeries, but we aren't necessarily defined by those things. Faeries are, well, faeries. No two are alike, and you may have to wait until you meet or become one in order to get a sense of what we're made of. But that's half the fun!”

             

6 March 2013 Wednesday

I wrote Kyle today because  I got a letter from him today!

 

“Dear Kyle, Yesterday someone put your water soaked letter from January 6 in my mail box and then today I find another from you so I guess I owe you two letters. One should be on the way and I will get this one posted today. It probably won’t as long and newsy.

Charles Frost reached out to me in an attempt to break the ice between us but in one of his comments he said, “I just have to have some ground rules,” regarding our friendship. I haven’t responded back yet but I know myself…if I have to have ground rules to be friends with some then I’d rather not be their friend. I am too authentic, too passionate about my feelings and if someone thinks that I might be a liability to be around then I choose not to be around them.

If I can never say anything about the Pride Center lest Valerie takes offense and blames Charles then I can’t live like that. If my friendship and my mistakes can’t be forgiven without ground rules then that is no friendship. Well that I how I feel… I won’t be censored for a friendship because that’s no friendship.

Well the snow is about all gone with a rain storm coming tonight. That will be okay. It will get the grime off of everything. Daylight Savings time is back Sunday morning. This was a hard winter and I am done with it…Itching to do some spring clean and work in the yard.

I think I told you I put a squash bed in the front yard by taking out some of the grass by the driveway. I’d like to put at least 3 more planter boxes in the front yard to grow tomatoes, corn, and pumpkins…Just have strips of grass to kneel on and mow. I am going to probably put concrete in next to the fire pit where we were going to have chickens. Nothing will grow there because of the shade… I can dream I suppose.

Glad the old Pope is gone…more scandals there that will ever reach the light of day for sure.

Jim Dabakis finally had Gayle Ruzicka up for his Wednesday morning caucus forum. She lives in an alternate reality… there is no changing her…we are just waiting for her to die.. Someone wrote that her phone tree is even obsolete in the day of Social Media…I think that is really true.

The legislature is even repealing the Zion Curtain liquor law for restaurants…ha! I will call the Tribune tomorrow again to see who I need to talk to; to get a subscription to someone incarcerated. A regular subscription wants a home address. I will also talk to Michael Aaron again…not sure how long the Q will last…The editor Seth Bracken is just working part time.

Well I don’t know much to write… all the dogs are well…I stopped giving them any chicken jerky strips so much is being recalled and all are made in China so I give them Kosher hot dogs in the morning for a treat.

I will try to get a hold of your sister Jami about your VA papers and I am glad they found some med’s for you. I hope they help you and helps you stay out of the county jail system. ell maybe I will send you my article for the Q for March. My one that will be coming out for April I’ll send in my next letter. It’s only a monthly paper now. Love Ben

How I Became Radicalized March 2013 Q Salt Lake Lambda Lore In the summer of 1989 I traveled to New York City for Gay Pride Day because I wanted to be where it all began some 20 years before. At Sheridan Square in front of the former bar, a mock re-enactment of the raid which had set off the Stonewall Riot was taking place.  Hundreds were jammed along the front sidewalk yelling at the fake cops who were pretending to be hauling off bar patrons and drag queens.          

Handed foam yellow bricks to throw at the cops, the crowd  called out "Pigs” and “Oink-Oink”. The taunting felt like I was transported back in time. So I joined in and enthusiastically yelled "GAY POWER!"  Wasn’t that what this night was truly about; Liberation and taking back our power.

As a chorus of “Gay Power” joined mine, someone yelled out, "Let's take back 7th Avenue!” Spontaneously hundreds converged into the intersection of Christopher Street and 7th Ave.  There seven others and myself lifted the police barricade, held it aloft, so that the joyful constrained crowd could move on down to the next intersection.

 Immediately the NYC police arrived on the scene but cautiously watched as the crowd swelled to several hundred chanting, "Arrest us! Just try it! Remember Stonewall was a Riot!"

The NYC police had the common sense to keep a respectful distance as we danced in the street, chanting our slogans "Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho, Homophobia's got to go!", "We're here because we're Queer!" and "Gay Power!" The playful crowd was now more than a thousand strong and with the increased numbers, the silliness of the earlier revelers turned serious. Thousands of marchers in the street now were basically saying "this is OUR night and we are going to howl!"

 I stayed with the young urban radicals who were carrying the confiscated police barricade, stopping traffic, and working up the crowd.  Definitely the event was taking on a life of its own.

At one intersection someone in his car tried to run us down. We streamed over to the 6th Precinct Police Department where people demanded that the police do something.  Angry at the police who would not address us, some of the young hot heads began jumping on the police cars parked out front and banging on the police station's front doors, which had been locked in case the crowd really turned ugly.

 Several American flags were set on fire in front of the police station and finally the cops came out with a bull horn to address the crowd that had filled the street.  Some self-appointed spokesperson stated that Gays in the Village were outraged over the recent killings of  two Gay men but when the police officer said that the murders were not Gay related, a chorus of "Bull Shit!" interrupted him.

The crowd began to shout, "No more lies!" and getting nowhere with the police, retreated after pelting the police station with condom packages.

Leaving the Sixth Precinct, we headed for the West Highway along the Hudson River where the Gay men were murdered.  Practicing civil disobedience, we sat down in the middle of the Highway and blocked the Saturday night traffic along this major thorough fare.  We declared our sit-down space "Queer Nation" and we sang "hey, hey Ho, Ho Patriarchy has got to go!" and "Not the Church! Not the State! We alone decide our fate!" and "Keep your laws off my body!"

The sit-down, blocking a main traffic artery, brought the police out in full force to deal with a potential volatile situation. However they simply re-routed traffic rather than take on a crowd of thousands of Gay radicals, screaming "Arrest us just try it Remember Stonewall was a riot!"

The New York Police swiftly redirected traffic and took the wind out of our sails. With no more traffic to hold up, we left the West Highway and went back to the streets where the Gay Bars were located.  We were at least 10,000 strong and our one voice, shouting "Gay Power", echoed down the narrow streets of Greenwich Village.

As we slowly and aimlessly walked along the streets of the village, cars on cross streets were immobilized by the endless procession. Most people sat in their cars smiling and waving, being very supportive but some looked very bewildered by it all, even scared and some really mad.

At side street intersections, several of us acted as a human barricade, holding hands with other, sort of like crossing guards.  However at one particular intersection, a brand new red automobile had stopped in front of us. It was full of young guys and they started yelling at us, "Faggots get out of the fucking way!"

Immediately the car was surrounded by people pounding on the car to let the occupants know we weren't taking heterosexual crap tonight. The driver flipped us off and ploughed right into the human barricade knocking down about five before speeding away. Immediately a chase arose and through the narrow streets hundreds ran after the car.

            I ran as fast as I could but kept getting passed up by the younger and stronger ones who were intent that this one would not get away. It was bedlam as the car drove up on the sidewalk, hitting some more Gay people until cornered and surrounded.

The cops finally arrived to disperse the angry and frustrated crowd.  But rather than just getting the hell out of there, incredibly the car backs up and tried to run down some more people.

The crowd was intent on revenge now, cops or no cops. The car was surrounded and under siege by a tumultuous angry crowd of hundreds.  Only after a squadron of cops put a stop to the melee were the visibly shaken and scared guys pulled from the car by the police.  The car was trashed. The car really took the blunt of pent up rage.

 Meandering down the street to get back to Christopher Street, this young Lesbian triumphantly exclaimed to me, "I use to be a Yuppie but I'm an anarchist now!" and she proudly showed off to me a section of the red plastic tail light that she had ripped off the car.  She held it like some trophy or treasured memento of a heroic battle.   I suppose it was.

Exhausted I sat down in the middle of the intersection of Christopher Street and 7th Ave along with this Gay man I met named Michelle.  He was the first one hit by the car but he said he was okay.  We sat in the middle of the street with our arms around each other and just drank in the scene of thousands milling around us on the warm June night.

We both felt lucky and grateful to have taken part in the Second Stonewall Riot and were able to re-enact the magic of 1969.  It was like being given a second chance to be a part of the most significant event in Gay History. 

Now here we were 20 years after the real Stonewall, two strangers locked in each other’s arms.  Michelle informed me that he had just gone off of his AZT AIDS meds because it wasn't doing him any good.  As we shared our stories I reflected on my life and thought that “here it is midnight and I'm sitting in my white shorts on a dirty New York City intersection, holding a Gay man who is dying of AIDS”, and I was extremely grateful for every minute of it.

           

7 March 2013 Thursday

It was an Exhausting day...I had a mother come in after school to complain how her son  feel's picked on by me... so I said I am glad you came in I was just about to call you about the essay your son wrote on “Bullying” and how he liked to go into other kids  houses at night and stab them in bed...

The LDS mom was wide eyed and said we don't allow violence in our house... She needs to step out into reality. Mom your perfect kid is a ticking time bomb...

I just got home after 6 p.m. Taking off tomorrow!

 

8 March 2013 Friday

I took today off from Washington after dealing with that crazy parent yesterday. I then went down to the Redwood clinic and had my testosterone shot and did some other running around.

I bought some eye glass retainers at REI that are kind of cool so I don’t keep losing my glasses.

I wanted to clean the house for the Faerie meeting tonight. John Crapeau and Rocky O’Donovan came over and I fixed an Italian Ravioli dish. I had to break the news to Rocky that I wasn’t going to the Easter Sabbot on the 23rd because I am so over the Center and don’t want anything to do with it. He took it well and I said I would help with the decorations, though.

           

9 March 2013 Saturday

I was Doing some yard work this afternoon when I got a phone call from Jim Dabakis asking if I wanted to go see Joan Rivers with him tonight at Kingsbury Hall at the U. I guess is lover Steve Justesen is stuck in Mexico so he asked me. I was thrilled!

We met for coffee at Nostalgia and then went off about 7:00 to see Joan... Jim Dabakis and I were guffawing and giggling and Jim would laugh and say, “that's so true!” after her quips about Gay men. Joan Rivers' warm up act was hilarious too but didn't catch his name.

She is a true legend... The place was packed with so many Gays you'd think it was Club Jam on Conference weekend.. After the show Troy Williams and his boyfriend Josh Lee suggested going to Market Street Grill for a bite to eat and we talked politics, Gay history, assimilationism, just a variety of fun topic.

To top off the evening I got a tour of Jim's new place in the Avenues on B Street behind the Cathedral of the Madeline.

I can't help it I just like Jim...he's such a genuinely good guy.

 

10 March 2013 Sunday

Daylight Savings time began today and I didn’t do much at all. I did buy a leaf blower and some other stuff at Lowe’s. I couldn’t get the other one to work and besides I wanted a more powerful one. Did some genealogy for Amy Barry today but mostly lazed around all day.

 

11 March 2013 Monday

I got Shanghaied this afternoon by parents who I was to meet during my prep in Mrs. Beck’s office. They were awful while trying to appear rational. They said that Joseph felt like I was bullying him so I said that if he is that comfortable in my room then he certainly could transfer to Mrs. Peterson’s.

 

I told them I did not treat him any different than any of my other students. What I wanted to tell them is they have a highly disturbed kid who fantasizes about sneaking into people’s home and stabbing them and he is a self-indulged spoiled little elitist that thinks he’s smarter than everyone in the class.  The mother refused to have her child accept any responsibility. Ugh. Two and  half hours of my life I will never get back. Joseph is supposed to decide tomorrow if he wants to switch rooms.

Seth Bracken of the Q wrote me and said that my column on the GLCCU would be in two parts-He wrote: Terrific column! I am running out of room for two full columns and so I think I’d like to just split it in half. I’ll run the first half this issue and the next half in April. I will leave a note to let readers know there will be a part two coming.  Thanks for everything! Seth.”

I then sent Seth Anderson a boat load of material on the AIDS epidemic because in one of his classes at the U he has to write a 25 page term paper. He’s doing it on AIDS.

He wrote me: This is all so perfect! Thank you! I was outlining and thinking things through today and was beginning to track down these statistics and this just saved me so much time.  Thank you for all you do!”

Michael Ferguson also thanked me and I replied, “Thank you boys for being my friend... and tell that cute lover of yours that before stressing out over papers, tell me what he's doing it on, so I can bombard him with info...no one will have the access to 1000's of pages like he will...Let's make his getting his master’s degree as painless as possible... :)

I can't write his papers for him like I did John Cunningham's to keep him out of the war but I certainly can make the research easier... Get the degree out of the way so ya'll can go on with your life adventures.”

Michael Ferguson wrote: Aww. You are so good to us. We were at the library today and spotted a book about the past 50 years of gay cinema--I really do think that gay cinema is a fun and light-hearted way of accessing and sharing the history of our people. It's *so* fun to be starting this tradition of gay movie nights with you.”

Seth Anderson added: “The masters is a stepping stone to more writing and more books. That said, I want to get it done asap! School is a lot of work. :) Thanks so much for all the documents and info.”

Then Troy Williams asked me: “Hey Ben, can you send me the names and contact info of the couple that we were talking about on Saturday -- the one who was suing over JONAHS? Thanks sir! Troy.”  I answered, “Seth Anderson and Michael Adam Ferguson ... Both would make a great interview for KRCL ... Go to Queen's Tea Face Book site to contact them ... I told them that we had talked about them... Or just go to their FB pages and message them. Michael is the one suing Jonah. Seth is an author student and business man.”

Troy replied “ great! Thanks. I see I am already FB friends with them. Love social media!”

 

12 March 2013 Tuesday

I didn’t hear anything from Joseph’s mom about him switching rooms. I didn’t think it would happen anyway. Liz Beck knows this mom is a nut. She was also upset that he didn’t win the spelling bee saying he was cheated out of it. It’s beautiful weather so who cares about anything else.

 

13 March 2013 Wednesday

The first of 16 Utah Dunkin' Donuts locations will open in June at 200 E. 400 South in Salt Lake City. This makes me happy.

            Fernando Noriega of the Gay Hot Spot wrote me; “hey Mr. ,.. just wanted a lil’ perspective from ya bout a pride package I’ll be selling in the next couple of weeks ... I know you are critical of high ticket prices but thought I’d run this deal past ya to see what you think ... it is a very good value ... also PLEASE keep VERY hush hush. VIP private entrance to PURE Friday night… my pride brunch Saturday… VIP entrance and VIP lounge to my event at the depot with the models and all the queens and a meet and greet… VIP private entrance to jam Sunday … 2 tickets to pride festival … entrance into pride festival member garden… meet and greet at pride for Saturday nights talent… discount to the gateway Hyatt … pre-sale $99 ** Andrew Christian models **4 of the best RuPaul drag race queens… so basically your entire pride weekend in 1 swoop for $99.”

            I asked “Have you talked to Pride Day folks on the member garden? Friday night is the Grand Marshall reception... the other venues are bars. Are they having a special show for VIPs that night? Do you have to give a cut to the Center?”

Fernando Noriega replied, “this is approved already through all venues including pride center I’m trying to gage my pricing all venue space is booked and all talent is booked none of my times conflict with pride and yes all venues will have special acts, talents, or events those night.”

I wrote back, “Will that cover your costs? Younger people more likely to attend those venues... do they have that kind of money?” Fernando Noriega responded, “there are cheaper options too ... tickets to individual events will be from $10 to 20 for general admission I am only selling 200 of these "all access VIP packs". I asked, “Isn't that $20,000? won't the Pride Center take cut?”

Fernando Noriega answered, “most of the venues including pride are giving us access and tickets based on trade for promoting the individual events .. hard cost is minimal pride center is getting a portion of each ticket all that stuff has been worked out ... I’m trying to see what peeps are willing to pay for a full weekend package for pride Don't you think that is a good value?”

I responded, “Well...I do personally have an issue with the whole concept that VIP status can be bought... I guess there's nothing wrong making money off a festival that has little to do with Gay Pride and more to do with turn an event into a cash cow for Pride INC. I think you have put a good entertainment packet together but I personally would use the term Deluxe over VIP but that's just me because I think all Gay people are very important people but then I am an old Gay liberationist still.”

Fernando Noriega said, “I totally see your point! I like the sound of deluxe package and can brainstorm other ideas I see the term more as a selling point so people know they are getting something special that they can’t just get by walking up to the event.”

I replied, “Pride was once about community building now it’s about having a party and how much money can the Pride Center rake in? But times change and if people just want to party and not care about our culture and heritage then I say charge them whatever they will pay to have a good time... some people will pay more than $99 for a bar tab and you have put together an nice venue...I think it’s around $35 just to go to the Grand Marshall Friday event and its boring and pretentious.”

Fernando Noriega said, “lol very true! I will just make a side note about not under estimating the benefit of engaging the younger crowd ... it's very hard to do that purely through education sort of services and events. well Mr. thanks for your thoughts and advice ... as a side note ... I will be offering a discount to my brunch through SAGE .. bonus is you will still be able to mingle with the Andrew Christian boys and I have specifically requested at least 1 sexy bear type lol.”

I then smoozed saying “I always admired that you never caved into rebranding  your forum, “LGBT Hot Spot” and kept it the Gay Hot Spot which is inclusive ... Gay does not mean men only...”

Fernando Noriega: “good grief! Amen to that!!!! Lol”

Then I wrote, “Thanks but I will probably not be participating in "pride" weekend. I am glad the community has you looking after the interests of the young who don't always get their voice heard. Maybe I will go to one of your events that isn't connected with the Pride Center.”

Fernando Noriega: “well ill slip you a link to my brunch and maybe you can make a cameo have a good night Ben ... appreciate your thoughts.”  I responded “that’s what I do lol”

             

14 March 2013 Thursday

Since it was “Pi” 3.14 day, the teachers who were supposed to bring in treats brought in pies. It seems fitting that Einstein was born on 3.14

On the way home from taking Coco home, trying to making a right turn like I always do onto  9th West…I pull up next to a cop car but then see that he also has his right turn blinker on so I quickly backed up to get behind him even though he’s way over in the middle lane. When I did,, my check engine light came on from switching gears to fast I think. Ugh!.

Daisy is in the bath tub and Buddy is snuggled with me so it is time to say goodnight John Boy.

 

15 March 2013 Friday

I took my car into Lodders this morning because my check engine light came on and they said it had something to do with the way my transmission acted yesterday but to check back next week and see if it goes off.

I took a dip in the old hot tub on this pleasant Friday evening...the deck is snow free and I had blown all the winter debris away...Spring cleanup deserves a relaxing evening...

I scrubbed the rust stains on a Trex deck. My deck chairs made a little mess from the snow this winter...

I wrote Kyle Foote today and I bought him a 3 month subscription to the Tribune. It cost me $80.

Since I am direct descendant of Irish king Nials of the Nine Hostage who brought the Roman Christian Patrick to Ireland, I think I will wear green and be drunk all weekend.

“Dear Kyle, Hope you are well. Hard to believe the month is half over and in another week it will be Spring.  I finally got a hold of someone at the Tribune to speak to about sending a newspaper subscription to you. I only paid for 13 weeks because not sure if the paper would transfer if you did. They said it would start a week from today. Be sure to let me know if you are not getting it.  Michael Aaron’s been on vacation so don’t know about the Q not being sent. 

Your sister is supposed to be bringing papers to the house this evening after she gets off work.  She is working full time as a manufacturing rep for products used in high temp industries. She gets off at 5:30 and works on 15th South and 7th West here in Salt Lake City. If she has time I want to invite her in to see the deck you built for me.

I will keep this letter short. On the 9th Jim Dabakis invited me to go with him to see Joan Rivers at Kingsbury Hall. His hubby was stuck in Mexico so he asked me to go with him. She was hilarious and more than half the audience was Gay.  She made a joke about how easy it is for Gays to fake an orgasm. Just grunt and spit on the person’s backside…lol  She was really nasty funny.

I went out to Market Street Grill afterwards with Jim and Troy Williams and Troy’s boyfriend Joshua David Lee. Do you know him I guess he is a video gamer programmer wiz. 

Any way the weather is in the 60’s now so I guess I have to start cleaning up the back yard from the winter mess.

Charles Frost and I haven’t spoken in four weeks so I guess that friendship is over. I am not mad at him or anything. I just don’t have the time or energy to have ground rules with a friend.

Chuck Whyte is still out of work and I have been paying his phone bill for two months. I don’t know how that all will all end up.

Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson are coming over to watch “Boys In the Band” tomorrow. I Can’t believe they have never seen it.  Michael calls my once a month movie nights his “EduGaytion” and he calls me his FAG- “Fairy Awesome Godmother”…ha-ha.

I don’t have much more to say right now. Oh the reason you got a letter so late from me was that it came back to me with postage due. So I put two stamps on it and sent it again.

I hope you medication is helping and you are using your time well… be good. Love you. Your friend always Ben

 

16 March 2013 Saturday

I am Copying audio files for Seth Anderson this morning so he can have my interview with Dr. Patty Reagan who founded the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. I also made copies of Rev. Bob Waldrop talk at the USHS presentations and Connell O'Donovan interview on KRCL... also I sent him minutes from the 1991 Sept Community Council... damn we were good at democracy here in Queer SLC... what happened? Not getting much house work done.

Bruce M. Barton wrote me, “It's true Ben--we worked so hard and learned so much--all about supporting one another, working for equality for EVERYONE, and made great headway. Now, too many of our youth know nothing of the history that got the freedoms we have today, or how much you, for all your work, helps us to remember—“

Chuck Whyte added; “We did a lot of GREAT things back then, We were always willing not to just go to meetings but to clean toilets, replace broken windows, scrub floors, repair roofs, etc., etc., etc., etc. the community we live in NOW is made up of those who put how much money you can give over the work that has been done.....if you donate enough money you can rewrite history and take credit for what people gave their blood sweet and tears to accomplish.......The wine drinking, cheese eating, meth taking, pot smoking, coke snorting leadership of TODAY can lick each of their QUEER (a name I will NEVER accept) body parts. .The people from my GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENDER community/generation can walk proud at the community we helped start.......may it not be destroyed.”

Dean Tingey wrote: Seth is a thoughtful historian. I am confident that he will capture the spirit of gay rights history so it is preserved and respected.”

I responded “Dean I know he will. That is why I am passing the torch and my collection to him... A keen intellect, connected to a passion for history, is rare indeed in the Gay community... all wrapped up in a pretty package too…  but temporary… beauty fades while intelligent just get more vibrant... I wish I am still around to see Michael and Seth come into their own... they are on their way... if not… I know our legacy will be in good hands.”

In the afternoon I drove down to attend Michael and Seth’s Tea presentation on Green Tea. It was being held at the little Wasatch Farmer Market place south of Murray park on State Street. I went to the Queen's Tea "It's not easy being green" presentation just to support Michael and  Seth... but learning something new all the time...

I sat across from a cute man so that was a plus. When I left I bought a new bath mat for Daisy at Target...she is spending so much time in the bath tub now I got her a nice plush one...She is so weird... or maybe it is me? Buying a $14 mat for my hound dog. So she is more comfortable?

It was a nice evening when the Queen Tea’s boys came over to watch “Boys In the Band” as part of their eduGaytion after helping Rocky O’Donovan move into his new place. I fed them a vegetarian pizza.

After the show, they took a nice dip in the hot tub... When they left I finally broke down and watch the first episode of the “Walking Dead” to see what all the fuss is about... special effects are especially gruesome.

It was a fun day. Such a beautiful day in the Rockies...

 

17 March 2013 Sunday

I hope everyone had a restful sleep with no hangovers from Irish Shenanigans... I’ve Got the corned beef and potatoes in the crock pot... by noon I will add the carrots and cabbage... who wants to join me?

Even though I am a direct descendant of an Irish King from 1600 years ago I won't make you kiss my Blarney Stone...

I ended up having a Walking Dead Marathon this St. Patrick's Day by watching season 1 and 2 on Netflix... now I feel like I know what people are talking about...lol. I am contemporary again. I watched like from 10 in the morning until 10 at night living off of the corned beef and cabbage I made. I invited people over but none could make it so I ate it myself.

This is the message I received in my email box: “To: Recipients of the Dr. Kristen Ries Community Service Award; Thank you for your participation as a past award recipient in the selection of the 2013 recipient(s) of the Dr. Kristen Ries Community Service Award.  As a past award recipient, you have received one of the highest honors our community can bestow.  It is unique to have future recipients of an award selected by the award's past recipients.  With 37 past recipients (the first being Dr. Kristen Ries in 1987), some logistical challenges can pop up, so your patience and assistance is sincerely appreciated. We have a very impressive list of nominees again this year.  However, only three of those nominees will advance to a second round of voting.  Each of the following three nominees received 20% or more of the total votes, so these are the only three we will be voting on.  In the second round of voting, if one person receives at least 50% of the votes, that nominee will be the 2013 award recipient.  If none of the nominees gets at least 50% of the vote, each nominee who receives 30% or more of the total votes will be a recipient.  Therefore, in theory, we could have 2 or 3 recipients this year (as has happened in some of the past years). Please respond to this email no later than March 22 with your vote for ONE of the following nominees: 1 - Charles Lynn Frost 2 - Fran Pruyn 3 - Brandie Balken If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to let me know. Yours truly, Jon Jepsen Utah Pride Festival”

 

18 March 2013 Monday

When I came home from school I stayed up to 10:00 at night watching the end of Season two of The Walking Dead. I am hooked. That kid from school never wanted to switch teachers. I’d like to slap the mom because she stirred it all up.

Chuck Whyte asked me to pay his phone bill again this month. That’s another $60. Alan Anderson is running for Salt Lake County Democrat Party Secretary.

Conservatism has done NOTHING for this country except to impede progress and the expansion of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness...Hell we wouldn't even have a country except for the radical left leaning liberals who thought individual freedom was a good thing and had read the works of the French and English Enlightenment...

If God inspired anyone it was Voltaire, Rousseau, Montesquieu, Locke, and Newton...certainly not the Popes, Archbishops, and Cardinals, Pastors, and clergymen who believed in the Divine Rights of Kings. "When Adam delved and Eve span who then was the Gentleman?" That was the Radical deconstruction of the class system.

             

19 March 2013 Tuesday

Now I am having withdrawals from finishing Seasons 1 and 2 of the Walking Dead and have to wait now for Season 3 to go on line. So I have busied myself with cleaning the kitchen, having a long talk with Bill Poore, and doing some leg work to promote his brother, Ross Poore's book called The Blood Doctrine... I contacted Brandon Burt of the City Weekly and Scott Renshaw, and Ray Parker of the Tribune, and Michael Aaron.

Bill was saying he was feeling run down so we talked a good hour about things. He’s one of the speaker at the SAGE’s Meet The Elders. I am not going. He said that after the history lesson at the last SAGE meeting in February, Charles Frost had said some things to Bill after Bill stated how fired up I could get people.

Charles said, “don’t you think Ben can be a bit much!” And Bill defended me saying that it took people like me to fire people up to get where we are today.  It made me think that Charles was a little jealous of me. Several times he mentioned me being on a soapbox and other mild put downs. I am coming to realize that even as friends… none of his friends wanted to be my friends. All the people I was meeting was his friends.

At school this 6th grade boy who sat in my room for half the day is being kicked out for selling fake drugs... He is such a broken kid...it breaks my heart...

 

In the news the Boy Scouts here in Utah are having a tough time raising money for their Scout A Rama.

I voted for Charles Frost for the Kristen Ries Award today…I wasn’t going to vote but it was a three way split between Brandi Balken, Fran Pruyn, and Charles and I didn’t feel that the dykes met the qualifications…

Bill Poore’s sister sent me this: “Dear Ben, Becky and David, My name is Janice Marcus, Co-President, SLC PFLAG and I'm writing to ask the three of you speak at our next meeting on April 9, 2013 at the Utah Pride Center from 8:00 - 9:00 P.M.  The history of the LGBTQ movement is a vital piece of information for all of us to understand as we advocate for the LGBTQ Community.  My brother, Bill Poore, associate Charles Frost, and friend, Brent Marrott have all mentioned your expertise in presenting this information. Would you please get back with me at your earliest convenience regarding your availability. Thanks for your consideration, Janice Marcus, Co-President, SLC PFLAG.”

I wrote her back that I would.

 

20 March 2013 Wednesday

Happy anniversary mom and dad... married 20 March 1946 Olton, Texas and married 57 years before dad passed.

At work I made an appointment to get my driver’s license renewed on April 4 at 9:15 a.m. at the Fair Park BMV location. I got a birth certificate, my social security card, and a bill with my address on it. It should be enough.

It was a misty day today and the air smelled so sweet and clean. After taking Coco home and giving Michael some leftover chicken fajitas I went down town to give David Van Patton $20. He said he was out of food again. He’s this mentally disabled guy I met through Kyle Foote and he calls me every so often when he’s out of food.

It’s a pain but how can I not? I made a promise to God that if I was able to keep my teaching job I would help others in need.

When I got home I was surprised to find a long letter from Kyle. I can’t help that I love that boy.

Kent Scadlock was supposed to come over to hot tub but he never made it. Just as well. I suppose. I had a baked potato for dinner.

  It's not daffodils but rather shirtless boys that are a sure sign that winter is over! Happy Spring Equinox

When will Americans say enough? When will they stop being slaves to Wall Street, Bankers, and Corporations’ CEOs. They do any reckless, irresponsible, dangerous thing they want knowing they are never held accountable and American workers will always have to foot the bill.... Bail out...synonym for you are so stupid...Ten years ago the Iraq war began. Republicans love war profits...war veterans not so much

 

21 March 2013 Thursday

The weather took a down turn and it’s about 20 degrees cooler than yesterday. It snowed this morning but then changed to a mist and it’s supposed to snow tomorrow.

Not a very eventful day. I finally sat down to catch up with my journal. Don't you hate it when you don't write in your journal for two weeks and you have to spend all evening reconstructing your life? Ugh For an old man who doesn't get around much anymore I've already typed 95 pages and 45,000 words and I still have about five days more to reconstruct...

I want to be the Samuel Pepys of my times...You historians out there know who am talking about...if not Google it :)

I’m in a sentimental mood today. I’ve been singing the Irish Poet Thomas Moore lyrics, “Believe me, if all those endearing young charms, Which I gaze on so fondly today, Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms, Like fairy gifts fading away. Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art, Let thy loveliness fade as it will; And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart Would entwine itself verdantly still. It is not while beauty and youth are thine own, And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear, That the fervor and faith of a soul can be known, To which time will but make thee more dear. No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close: As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets The same look which she turned when he rose.”

Dan Fahndrich posted that Scott Anderson died on March 14th. Scott and Dan were an item for many years and had bought a house together. His obituary stated nothing about him being Gay. He was born 19 November 1956 in SLC.

Brandon Burt wrote “I don't think I ever met Scott, more's the pity. But I always thought that I had a talent for picking out the secret gay obituaries in the Trib. (It's uncanny what great lengths families go to in order to cover up the nonstandard sexual orientations of relatives while paying final respects.) I must admit, however, that this one got right past my radar. Mission, temple marriage, later divorced, enjoyed playing the organ -- I suppose I should have guessed. Farewell, Scott Anderson! We hardly knew ye!”

I responded: He was such a sweet man and cute to boot. I met him at Affirmation in the late 1980's when he was about 30...later got to know him better through Unconditional Support. He went to Beyond Stonewall…seems I always remember him wearing short-short corduroy shorts and he had sandy blondish hair.

When my apartment at the Juel was like a Gay Salon where everyone congregated at one time or another, he'd come over and we had long talks about coming out and having been married... He went to live back home with his parents after his divorce and they were not at all supportive. He became partnered with Dan Fahndrich for 10 years until he moved away from Utah and like so many from back then we lost track of him. It concerns me that his obit said died at home... we all know what that euphemism usually means. He is being buried today. I will remember his sweet smile and twinkling eyes... Till we meet in Gay Heaven.”

 

22 March 2013 Friday

It was our snow makeup day and it snowed lightly off and on all day. It’s our last “I Can Do Dance” rehearsal until we dance at West High next week. Then after that Spring Break.

I wrote Kyle finally when I got home from school. I watched movies before hitting the sack. 

“Dear Kyle, I got your Saint Patrick’s Day letter last Wednesday but I have been tired lately with school so I waited a couple of days to respond. Besides I sent you one last week so you should have gotten it by now. It was the letter about sending the Tribune to you for three months. I hope the Tribune is being delivered to you if not let me know so I can complain.

I also said that your sister was going to come by with your papers. Unfortunately she still hasn’t… she said she forgot them one day and would bring them the next but hadn’t as of yet. I don’t know if she is still looking for them. It sounded like she wasn’t sure if she had them.  I am pretty certain I gave her all your important papers last year when Morgan was still in 6th grade because that is what you wanted.

I think Michael Aaron is still dragging his feet on sending you the Q Salt Lake because I think he is still upset with you for betraying his trust by posting those fake Health stories as your own.  I have no idea why you did that… maybe part of your illness… because certainly you are an excellent writer on your own… the speech you sent in this letter is proof of that… you have a brilliant mind on your own.

I haven’t talked to Charles for over a month, however he reached out to me today –“When could we possibly go to lunch and chat a bit? That is--if you are amenable. I would like to have a clear-the-air talk and continue being cherished friends. Charles.” But then he says he’s not available until April 6th!

I said I’d meet with him for lunch but it makes me think what does he want from me? I know he had another Ask the Elders yesterday and only 20 people showed up. I don’t know if I trust Charles enough to be as close to him as I once was. I was really hurt by his reaction… And I don’t know if I can be as vulnerable again.

I know I am hard on my friends… I know that but that’s because when I am friends with someone I give them everything that’s in me.  Most of the people I was meeting through Charles were his entourage and I felt like my only value to them was that I was Charles’ friend.

 I’m not holding a grudge…I can get over that… I do that all the time with Rocky O’Donovan and Bill Poore.  Charles hurt me on a deeper level… not as much as you did…but then again I love you more deeply than I do Charles. 

Oh well enough of that. Greg Hardin and I haven’t talked in a long time. I suppose he’s okay… we were never that close…in fact if it was not for you I’d probably not have associated much with him at all.  As far as I know he is well. I haven’t seen him since Amy and I went with him to Brewvies last Christmas.

I do more with Chuck Whyte. I paid another month on his phone bill so he can still trick around and between him and David Van Patton I am paying about $100 to support them. But by the grace of God go I…

The dogs are all well except Daisy has taken to laying in the bath tub all the time and Buddy on the bathroom rug next to her. I went out and bought a brand new bath mat for the tub nice and cushiony for her. Coco still makes the rounds between her townhouse and country estate… the little shit.  

Spring break is April 1st so that will be a nice break. Next week is the “I Can Do” dance at West High that you went with me and Jamie to watch Morgan dance.

You asked when my 60th was… it was two years ago. I will be 62 on April 10th.  I spent two birthdays with you and you one with me.

I have to renew my driver’s license this year but I got all my documents SS birth certificate, etc.  I should go get a passport but it’s a laugh that I would ever travel out of the United States. I’d rather stay home curled up with my Buddy and Daisy. That’s what I did last weekend. I had a Walking Dead Marathon. I had never seen the AMC zombie show but everyone is talking about it so I finally decided to watch all 2 seasons on Netflix.

 

Last Saturday Seth and Michael came over to watch Boys In the Band because they had never seen it… Catching them up on EduGaytion. It was fun. I really like them boys. They are going to make something of themselves someday.

Next week the Supreme Court with vote on Proposition 8 and DOMA… history making whatever they decide. But too late to make a difference in my life. No one is wanting to marry me.

I heard that Fernando Noriega is the Pride Day Entertainment Chair this year… He’s bringing in the Tranny from Glee, and some others I’ve never heard of except for Thelma Houston…Don’t Leave Me This Way. He is also putting together a VIP package as part of the Gay Hot Spot and selling tickets to different venues for $99. He has 200 so is planning on making $20,000 off of Pride Day!! You ought to know how I feel about this.

Yes I got your letter saying you are switching colleges to Colorado. Does seem like a smart move. I hope you get admitted.     

I am itching to put in some raised beds in the front yard…Ridiculous to water grass when tomatoes and squash and cucumbers are better. My back yard is a disaster. The Globe Willows have littered my back yard with branches and twigs.

The reason I want to put concrete in next to the shed so I can have the BBQ and Picnic stuff all on that side of the deck. If I don’t put concrete in then I may pull up the paving stones and move them over to that side of the yard. Well I guess I will see how much energy I have.

I need to rent that bedroom out down stairs to someone one who is willing to keep up the yard…for sure and maybe other benefits LOL

 Marty Alder contacted me the other day to see how I was. I hadn’t heard from him since last summer. He’s a barista at the Oasis Café and in a relationship since last August so he seems happy and has moved on.  Other than that I don’t know of anyone else… do you hear from people other than me? If you do you probably keep informed that way.          

I am meeting with Bob Henline tomorrow for him to show me how to set up a Blog Page so I can start putting my past articles on line and my chronologies  so there goes my life…

This cute professor from Toronto wants me to move to Canada and if I was younger I might be tempted LOL… he sends me pictures and we talk… but it’s not like I can just get up and relocate for someone smart and handsome… and younger… did I mention younger LOL… I had the smart and handsome in you… fat lot of good it did me… oh well maybe in a different life time.

I am so glad you are not living under constant stress. That can age you faster than anything and make you sick. I hope you can buy more things to make your life comfortable. Sounds like you have made some friends there for which I am grateful.

I don’t know if I’d ever move to Portland really but where ever I am I would like to see you again.  Well it’s getting time to take Coco home and I’ll drop this in the mail on the way. Your friend and family Ben.”

Bill Poore wrote me today, “Just thought you would like to know that the LGBT Resource Center on the U of U campus is now in many of their post calling themselves the Lesbian Gay Transgender, Bisexual Resource Center. LGTBQA.  We need to rally the gay men in this community or totally pull any support from anything they run.....I noticed that the bathrooms at the Pride Center are now Gender Free, so I pissed on the toilet seat to let those lesbos and trans clean it up.”

 

I wrote: “piss away LOL It Won't be long until it's Transgender, Bisexuals, Lesbian and Gays.”

Bill Poore then asked, “Hey did that Michael or J Seth say anything about how I did last night, they left early.  I could see where people would get bored it was one sided with Dominique [Storni].  There was also a clash with Joe [Gonzales] and a few over money from Pride Week.  Dominique really went after that as well. I said that they should stop the fucking fighting that there are kids out there that come to Pride because they have no contact with their community and it is important they see a celebration of being gay.”

I responded: well they won't see it at Pride Day...it’s turned so commercial ... I haven't really talked with Seth or Michael except commenting on FB... they are super busy getting their Queens Tea Business off the ground!  What were people saying about Pride money? That it's becoming too expensive?”

Bill Poore answered: Well that and people wanted more accountability on where the money went after Pride.  Yes the cost was also brought up, but Val [Valerie Larabee] (as per Joe) said that people spend less than it cost for just a couple of drinks at the bars.  I can’t believe the egos. I am starting to see.

Pretty much a bunch of angry dykes who hate each other has made this community is a mess, (Pride Center) No one really gives a fuck about the Pride Center. Young gay men just want to party and fuck.  They all hate the politics because it is dyke and trans focused. The Center is not on a state level from like Equality and James Dabakis. There was no one at the coffee shop except a few young lesbians and a lost looking trans.  No gay men at all were in the room.”

I said, “What is there for them? Nothing.”

Bill Poore agreed and said, “the politics going on within the groups is totally boring to them.  I don’t blame them one bit.”

And I said, “Well they aren't allowed to participate except under the thumb of a man hating dyke named Valerie.”

Bill Poore responded: “Sorry dude, most of them are  man hating.  I am older than you. I have watched it for years. I mean there are some really great wonderful compassionate lesbians in the community that work hard for the entire community.  I have known them, but then there are the real angry bitches that hate men.  My neighbors are men haters. There were no lesbians there last night because it was lesbian movie night.”

I asked, “What did Joe Gonzales have to say? Isn't Megan Risbon a lesbian?” and he replied “He defended the cost of Pride Day and how the money was being spent afterwards.  He pulled the youth card.”

I responded, “Did he say It's for the children? LOL.”

Bill Poore answered, “No Megan is not a lesbian. She is running Pride but is straight.  I really like her a lot. She is smart and warm,”

And I said, “I really don't know her...I have misplaced anger towards her because her quitting then not quitting caused the rift between Charles and I.”

Bill Poore continued, “Pretty much, yes, that their main program was youth. bullshit.  They have a trans month, a lesbo month. when do they have just an old cock sucking fag month? I’m becoming closer to Brent Marrott. He is angry about the angry dykes and trans as well.  He was really depressed and mad last night because no one showed up to his cancer program.  He was really pissed that all the lesbos all stayed away as well.  He said if it had been about women’s cancer they would have been there.

I think the Pride Center needs a new pope. Dominique really went after Val as well. She said they had mended their issues but she felt Val came in with a lot of baggage.”

Then Bill commented on the Gay statues that are in Sheridan Square, in front of the Stonewall Inn because he knew the models. He said, “You would have really liked David and Jimmy. They both were really hot. Jimmy was the day time bartender at the 9th circle.  He opened it around 11 am and got off around 5.  He had a real following. I lived around the corner so spend a lot of time there when not working....I loved Jimmy.  When I stopped drinking things really changed.  I mean I tried to keep my friends at the bar that hung out there during the day, but they really did not want to be around anyone not drinking.  They did not want to look at the fact they were all drunks, all smart guys.

  At night the 9th circle changed, there were hustlers, they had a big back room covered patio, a lot of drug deals.  It was a wild place.  I loved it until I got sober.  My producer lived 3 doors from it so he was there all the time as well.  He was a real drunk, then he got sober, that bar lost a lot of money when we stopped drinking.”

I commented, “Eventually the party ends... I never experienced that scene...even the party bars here in SLC...I never had any money to drink on... and never was into drugs... just sex when I could get it... LOL. I was too busy building community to be part of the party... always been the hostess never the guest.”

Bill Poore wrote: “I had the money in NYC, it was expensive living in the Village, Fire Island etc. but I had a great job in a good union so the money was great.  There was always money floating around shows.  I did drink too much but worked really hard at the theatre.  I had to get sober but have to admit there was a lot of fun times.

My drug period in NYC was for a very brief time, but it was destructive as hell.  It was a nightmare. I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really thought I would die from that or AIDS. We all thought we would die of AIDS. That influenced I think a lot of the destructive behavior of many.”

 I replied, “Yep Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we will die.”

Then Bill asked if I wanted to go to a musical up at the University of Utah. He said, “Listen, the musical Spring Awakening  (Tony Award winning) is opening in the Babcock Theatre April 12-14 18-21 25-28 at 7:30 and April 20-21 27-28 Mats at 2. Do you want to be my date?  It is directed by Denny Berry head of the Musical theatre training program.  She has worked on Broadway as a performer and choreographer most of her professional life.  It is about youth sex. Let me know I need to get tickets; it will sell out.”

 

23 March 2013 Saturday

I Just got home from dropping Walt Larabee off after the Ostara Spring Faerie Celebration...Well Salt lake City has now been cleansed and energized with Faerie energy so let Spring commence. There were about 25 people there and Larraine Horstmanshoff and Company's chanting music was relaxing.

Only problem at the beginning was that the (Off) Center double booked the multipurpose room for the Spicy Dinner Group and the Faeries but it got sorted out but it was quite funny to see all these Gay men look in and see us instead of the pot luck.

 

All ages were there young faeries and of course I was the oldest person always as Always.

Jimmy Hamamoto wanted to know: “Did some of the Spicy Dinner Group cross over to the Fae side...hmmm?”

I replied: “many were curious but Kent Scadlock directed the befuddled to the Spicy men...however when the dinner ended a few did come back and observe mostly I think because of the music...

It was a fun night but wasn't like our old Sacred Faerie celebrations, no feasting or breaking of bread like at the old Sabbots... but for novices it was good and some young men in their 20's and early 30's were there.

We had a pipe ceremony, Rocky got his runes blessed, a lot of Hindu chanting and singing...only Walt Larabee and Rocky and I were there from the olden days... We raised a cone of power but not the way we did it when there were all naked men present holding each other’s dicks in a circle.”

Connell O'Donovan chimed in, “This was a High Ritual not a Feast. (Had we added Feasting we'd have been there until way after midnight - no thanks!) So there!  I thought it was a phenomenal, energetic, spirit-filled extravaganza. I thought Cartel Chameleon   and Klaus especially took huge risks and stepped into their High Priestess roles with courage, wisdom, and depth, for two youngsters. And Gayflower, you were wonderful calling in South/Fire and then going around hugging and holding folks, to make them feel even more connected. That was really "Ben"eficial! Thanks punkin...”

I responded, “I still like food at my Sabbots... personal preference… and thanks for throwing it together. High Rituals were never part of my experience so it was new to me... Sabbots and Full Moon Magick is all we ever did...”

Connell O'Donovan added: “I'm still blown away by Klaus's Inuit Throat Singing he did to invoke East/Air. And I loved his "dreads" made out of plastic shopping bags all twisted up.”

I said: Those were cool... kind of a Rae Dawn Chong’s Quest for Fire look... did you have any of those new people join the Utah Radical Faerie Tribe FB page for community building?”

 I guess he didn’t because he never responded back. Rocky’s never been one to follow up on things.

“I wrote Bill Poore about my observations of Rocky’s High Ritual gathering. I said: “ You would not have liked this... although there were several half naked young guys there. First when I get there the center doubled book the room with the Spicy Men Dinner so Rocky is all stressed out...but he claimed the room first and the other guy was all stressed out trying to make do with the smaller room.

So I am unloading all my stuff, and Rocky just stands there not offer to help then he just starts telling me where to put the lights and drape things and I am getting pissed...like get off your fat ass and help...so I ended up decorating the room with the help of Durin who I can tell is a worker...

So I start hiding garbage and putting out partitions, stringing lights while Durin hung some of my scarves. John Crapeau never showed up so Rocky was depending only on me.

He was too busy with making an altar…

 

A bunch of young Faeries soon came and of course they don’t help either while Rocky runs the whole thing like the Rocky Show. Even though I was on the planning committee and I was there just to support Rocky, he didn’t once acknowledge me as someone other than a guy who showed up. This is so typical Rocky... I do the work and he takes the limelight... Oh well my lot in life.

He had these lesbians performing chants and while they were great the whole male faerie energy was dissipated and the younger Gay men probably didn't know the difference.

Rocky then gave this talk on Faeries and Harry Hay without him mentioning Harry had founded the Mattachine society so I had to bring that up and he didn’t mention at ALL the Sacred Faeries until I brought it up and that we were the first Faerie group to be inclusive of women…

There was about 25 people there so if they all paid their $10 donation Rocky should have made $250 with $50 of that going the Center. I gave Rocky an extra $20 to give to Lorraine Horstmanschoff and her accompanists for playing music mostly because Michael and Seth were having such a good time so I ended up spending $30 on another of Rocky’s affairs plus the money I spent on the frosted Sugar Cookies.

I sat with Walt Larabee, Chuck Copeland and Kent Scadlock, some older people I knew...I tried to make it fun and silly which is what Faerie is supposed to be while Rocky droned on and on in his LDS Conference teary voice...

I had some fun moments but it's the Rocky's Faerie show which I knew it would be. I wore my faerie poncho with a woman’s red hat and Good God, Rocky had on this amazing bronze beaded skull cap dripping with bead strings a crown of eggs with a Easter bunny sticking out of it and a huge ruffled yellow robe that Walter Larabee had made.”

Bill Poore wrote –“If I was doing a big project I know I would invite you to help me.....Rocky was lucky to have you. I did not know there was going to be a lot of half-naked boys there. Who did they double book with? I noticed some Tran thing.”

 I answered, “It was the Spicy Dinner event which is a big thing. It’s a Gay man's group anywhere between 30 and 60 men usually show up...It’s a pot luck social event...It’s been around for years and meets once a month. It used to be at people's houses. We had about 25 people. The Spicy Dinner folk took the smaller room on the other side of the bathrooms. They were frantic. Their invitation said “multipurpose room” so guys kept interrupting our event. Finally I just stood by the door to direct people to the Spicy dinner event...”

Bill Poore wrote: the smaller room on the other side of the bathrooms is part of the youth center....I think the trans had a meeting in there till 9. I love it. lesbian singing scares me. What kind of fairies are you?”

I answered, “I’m still a Sacred Faerie. I ended giving Rocky $40 to help pay for the music and the room plus I brought refreshment... if it doesn't involve him he doesn't think of it.”

Bill Poore replied “I am a bitch for atmosphere, (lighting) food, drinks all details covered. I would not like working with Rocky then.”

And I responded, “No you wouldn't... He flatters and flits but doesn't do the putting up chairs part...the stuff that makes it work...the ambience... he was difficult to work with back in the Faerie Days 20 years ago...However I believe people there had a really good time but they were being entertained not truly participating beyond singing.

 

He's so emotional too cries at a drop of a hat...but that's the story of my life putting up chairs so someone else can take the glory. Oh well I have a house, with Buddy and Daisy so I am rich beyond measure.”

Bill Poore added: “Well when you have gone to AA meetings for over 25 years you put up a lot of chairs. I hate folding chairs to this day. Yes you do have two dogs a nice house and Kyle will be there sooner than you think. By the way, I sent Megan Risbon a message and told her I pissed on her Gender Free toilet lids. I hope she gets my humor.

I thanked her for being so kind to me and some issues I was having with what I heard last night. I also sent one to Joe as well. To tell you the truth, when I saw the smoke free campus signs, it bugged me. There were rules, rules, rules, classic dyke and trans leadership. They are about control just like the Nazis.”

I ended the conversation saying, “You will be happy to know a Native American pipe ceremony was held in the multipurpose room with about 25 smoking on a peace pipe...the room was filled with smoke and the gender neutral bathrooms were well pissed in. Stupid. The bathrooms made me have to lock the door so I wouldn’t have some lesbian walking in on me to take a piss… but I like letting more guys in LOL.”

 

24 Sunday 2013 Sunday

I created a Lilting Moon Circle event for male energy for next Saturday. The full moon is this Wednesday.  Becky Moss and I will be talking at PFLAG on April 9 because Bill Poore’s sister who is head of the SLC group asked us if we would . David Nelson was asked to but he declined.

 

25 March 2013  Monday

A boy in my 5th grade class is wearing red lip stick. Should I tell him that it's the wrong shade for him? I told him his mascara made him look like a raccoon... He's a class clown and did it on a dare but he had the confidence to pull it off...

When someone in the class asked me why he was wearing lipstick, I just said ask him but if it’s not hurting anyone who cares? We talked about diversity and of  not all people being the same...

I am reading the “Giver” where Sameness is the highest society value and the kids said they all hate "sameness" lol

 

26 March 2013 Tuesday

Today the Supreme Court heard arguments on the Proposition 8 case. Almost every person I knew changed their status on Face Book  to the red and pick the marriage equality symbol as their profile picture. It was amazing.

I wore my red sweater in support. So much Red today I almost thought I was at May Day Rally in the old USSR... : )

Marriage is a legal contract NOT a religious sacrament ... As a binding legal contract it is discrimination plain and simple to keep some Americans from entering into contracts that others are allowed to contract.

The Government of the State of Utah lends support to those who discriminate against "Gay Families" by having Gov. Herbert as the keynote speaker at the Osmond’s supports marriage inequality rally... He is Utah's George Wallace...Segregation Today Segregation Tomorrow Segregation Forever.

However about 500 counter protestors showed up to out the straight marriage proponents 2-1.

 

27 March 2013 Wednesday

I love the fact that all my friends are wild eyed radicals....good company to be in... Equality and freedom doesn't come from negotiations but by demanding it... down with petty tyrants who believe they have control over your one life.

You hear us Gayle Ruzicka? How well did your values work for your own family that you want to foist them on us? You don't have to answer... we already know...you'd deny your Lesbian daughter equality and we know how well your values worked for your dead over dosed son, Michael....

Gonna be a long day...not expecting to get home until after 9:30 if I am lucky. My students are performing at West High for Ballet West's I Can Do Program... Peter Christie former Emperor of the Royal Court is the program's director! LOL...

If all these "family Value" idiots only knew how many of us are helping raise their kids and instill true values of tolerance, equality, fairness, dignity, respect and self-confidence they would have a cow! However they are the ones who had the state legislators mandate that we teach "morality" in public schools. What's more moral than treating people fairly and equitably?

Charles Lynn Frost and Brandi Balken are this year's Dr Kristin Ries Community Service Award recipients. I think I broke the news on my Face book account but I don’t care.

 

28 March 2013 Thursday

I took off today and I got more accomplished then I thought I would. Yesterday Seth Anderson asked if he and Michael Ferguson could come over today to watch a movie so I said I’d fix dinner for them too.

I was up early cleaning the house and shopping for them to come over. I actually finally painted the south wall that I had patch where Kyle Foote in the Lazy Boy dug a hole in the wall. I patched it over a year ago but never got around to painting it until now.

 I bought a ham today for Easter and invited Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte for Easter dinner.  I also invited Rocky O’Donovan and Andy Dalrymple but haven’t heard back from them.

Tonight I made a ravioli casserole, deviled eggs, brownies, a Greek salad and served with garlic bread. I got a call from Seth about 5 asking if 8 pm is too late to come over because they are meeting with their tax people until then. I said sure but it will be a late night so we just watched a few episodes of Sordid Lives. I also gave the boys my old hippie Faerie clothes.  I told these days I ain't wearing nuttin' but a muumuu to faerie gatherings...

It was a nice way to end the evening with Seth Anderson and Michael Adam Ferguson coming over for dinner and a movie...It was nice to have guys over to cook for who are hungry...I learned that from my mom and my Grandma Williams...If you come to my house and I'll feed you. I just love them boys.

It was a Beautiful day out, however.

I've come to the conclusion that conservatives are now just being mean and hateful at this point in the debate over Marriage Equality... they all but admit it's a foregone inevitability that Gay people will win BUT right wingers want to drag it on and on causing untold misery and hardship and heartbreak to Gay people and their children because they can't yet abide to do the right thing and admit they are on the wrong side of history and liberty and justice for all.

 

29 March 2013 Friday

I Went back into work today to send the kids off on their Spring Break and mine. I was so tired from staying up so late last night with the boys, who are flying down to Arizona until Tuesday to do some Queen Tea presentations. Seth Anderson is from Phoenix so it’s a home coming for him I suppose.

I really didn’t do much the afternoon but rest but then I began to feel restless like I needed a massage or a good screwing.  So I called up Patrick Ryan this bear masseuse that only charges $40 for an hour, since I can’t seem to get a hold of Andy McDaniel. So I cleaned up and took Coco home where Mike Romero says he’s going somewhere for Easter because I had invited him over but with Michael you never know if he’s lying to get out of something.

Funny, right after I made my appointment with Patrick, Jim from Wisconsin texted me and said he was back in town and wanted to know if we could get together.  He’s a sexy construction worker out here on a job so I said sure but not until 8, so I was doubled book for some physical encounters.

Patrick was wonderful relieving my stress and hitting all my pressure points and towards the end he opened me up and massaged my ass with his dick… he fucked me a little just to relax me and it was sweet and I felt really ready to go meet Jim who’s the boss of this pipe welding company which is out here on a job I think for Kennecott. He’s at the Sleep Inn motel on 106th South but he is worth the drive.

He left his door unlocked so I could walk in on him and I found him naked in bed. Jim is a whole different encounter…more romantic…we kiss and made out and caress long before he enters me. He is blond, rugged looking from German-Polish extraction, which accounts for his big dick. Love me some Polish sausage!

After we were done making love, I just held him and massaged him and caressed him until he began to fall asleep. He had to be up at 4 a.m.  He’s only here for about a week and then he will be gone again and I doubt whether I will see him again.

I was back home a little after 9 pm and about 10 p.m. this young guy responded to a Craig’s List ad I had posted when I was lonesome before calling Patrick. Usually I never get a response because I am out of the general demographics of Utah Gay men’s sex interests, however we flirted on line and we each sent pictures.

This kid’s arms were covered with Tattoos and probably parts of his body that I couldn’t see. He had those huge round studs in his ears and his eye brow was pierced and God knows what else. He  sounded like he was looking for a boyfriend not just an encounter and I knew that I would never be attracted to that tribal look…give me the Construction guy from Wisconsin look any day!

So I stayed up to continue a buzz I get with sexual energy… once I get on a roll it’s hard to stop…

 

30 March 2013 Saturday

I am Planting my garden in the front yard this year...because even bull elephants can't do the damage that Daisy does to the yard... no tiptoeing through the tulips her...more like Harlem Shuffle through the tulips.

I once asked Grandpa Johnson why was he planting fruit tree saplings when he was 68 years old. He said he needed something to do when he gets old. Grandpa out lived those trees. That's my life lesson.

So I went out and bought an apricot tree and a plum tree to replace the dead fruit trees I had removed last fall. I need something to do in my old age too. And if not someone else will get to enjoy them. We plant, even if we don't get to harvest...that's my motto.

We had a good Heart Circle to celebrate the Lilting Moon with just the four of us. They were Connell O’Donovan aka Conan the Barbarian but I call Babs, Kent Scadlock aka Phyllisbina, Kent’s roommate Chuck Copeland, and me. It was a Small group but we feasted on left over ravioli and salad and bread, did some magick.

We did a healing blessing for Conan because his knees were hurting and he was all stressed out over having to have his old apartment cleaned and cleared by tomorrow. We opened our hearts and let out the magick within us...Merry Meet Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again...

I fixed Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson's new strawberry tea elixir for the feast... It was light and refreshing... I feel energized for spring planting now. Another great night.

Kent wrote me: “Thank you Ben (the perfect host/hostess). Dinner was lovely! The Heart Circle and conversation with Connell, Chuck and you was most excellent. XO.”

 

31 March 2013 Easter Sunday

I was Up early to make dinner… Besides the ham, I made a dozen deviled eggs, some yams, candied baby carrots, green beans with bacon, fried okra, scalloped potatoes, and the Banana pudding which was devoured by all

Bill Poore brought me an Easter Lily too. I had Bill, Chuck Whyte, Chuck Copeland, Kent Scadlock, and Rocky O’Donovan come over. I Hope everyone had a nice restful Easter. It was a beautiful day...

Out on the porch, Bill Poore and I watched a squirrel and a magpie chase each other around one of my poplar tree...I never had a squirrel in my yard before!

I Think I am getting an ear infection...I will probably go to instant care...anyone heard of using vinegar as ear drops?

Chip Slaymaker passed away yesterday. He was Empress XIX aka Marci Malloy 1994-1995. Today is my Grandma Williams’ birthday born in 1902.