Summer 3rd Quarter Journal 2014 July-September

 

JULY

1 July 2014 Tuesday

Bill Poore and Kyle Daniels came over this morning to help me on covering the hot tub deck...we put up the bracers to support the metal roofing which Amy Barry said she'd help with this evening as it gets cooler...I was glad Kyle was on top screwing because I am much too old for that...I would landed on my can... But Bill and I can still lift up wood...

 

Tomorrow Bill and I am heading to Thatcher Idaho to put flowers on Chad Keller’s grave...his funeral was 7 years ago tomorrow....little old country cemetery probably the only Gay boy buried there.

 

About 7 in the evening, Amy Barry came over to help with screwing down the roofing material to the cross beams. I mostly helped by holding ladders and lifting up things. 

 

The Catholic Supreme Court decided that Women in America have less rights than Corporations that claim to be religious...six members of the Supreme Court are Catholics, 5 of them, the men are conservative Catholics appointed by Republicans...the one Catholic female sided with women...the three other justices are Jewish... There are no Protestants, which make up the majority of Americans religious views, liberal or conservative, on the court... No Mormons of course, and there will probably never be an avowed atheist in my life time...

 

Conservative Catholics ruling on birth control does not bode well for them ruling on Marriage Equal except Pope Francis is pretty liberal. We need to keep Democrats in the White House to appoint progressive on the Supreme Court ....

 

2 July 2014 Wednesday

When I finally had a chance to look at my Face Book messages this evening, Terrie Williams messaged me that Uncle RL had died and that Frances is taking care of all the arrangements....the last of all my uncles have passed away today.

 

My uncle R.L. Williams was 91 years old and had a massive heart attack on his birthday last Saturday. He was a WWII army veteran stationed at Diamond Head and he survived 2 wives. He was my oldest uncle. I am really feeling like an orphan now...I am the only nephew he had left.

 

Bill Poore came over about 10 in the morning with sunflowers for Chad Keller’s grave and we made it up there about 12:30 almost 1 I guess. It was only about 75 degrees in Idaho in the Bear River Valley ... Thatcher is about 25 miles north of Preston ID but the cemetery is about another 7 miles on country roads...

 

The cemetery was being watered with irrigation sprinklers right by Chad's grave... So I am sure he thought it funny that we had to dodge being hit full blast to get some pictures and put the Sunflowers Bill bought for his grave... Sunflowers were his favorite flower because Oscar Wilde was known as the Sunflower Apostle and all the Gay men would wear sunflowers in their lapels when they'd go hear him lecture...

 

Love him or hate him Chad Keller was a force of nature... Now he has the mooing of cows to keep him company as he rests in peace.

 

So driving back home we stopped in Brigham City and had lunch about 3 p.m. at the Peach City Drive-In. They make really good shakes. I had a raspberry. The food is nothing special, however. We left there almost at 4in the evening and I made it home by 5. After taking Coco home I finally looked at Face Book and saw that RL had passed.

 

Bill Poore wrote about our adventure: It was a wonderful day trip to pay tribute to that country boy Chad. Then he posted on his site, “I am suffering from Freeway PTSD today. I didn't think I would make it. My friend Ben's mother taught him how to drive on the freeway. We are just lucky he did not have a gun to shoot the slow drivers in the fast lane.. Get out of the way you stupid old man

 

I responded, Well if they are going to drive in the fast lane they better move their asses out of my way... That lane is for passing not for lolly gagging ... Got you home in one piece didn't I? We Left Brigham City at 4:15 and got home by 5 ... Damn good driving if you ask me.

 

Bill Poore: Yeah but I shit my pants 10 miles out of Brigham City. I then retorted That had nothing to do with my driving old man... We will bring Depends next time  We are the Gay Thelma and Louise.

 

Bill Poore: I promise you Thelma and Louise is a good comparison. Ben do you know Brad Pitt.?  I am Thelma.

 

Steven Powell Smith commented: It would seem when you two hang out its never boring. You're lucky to be friends.

 

James Dabakis wrote about us visiting Chad’s grave: It's so many years already...what a good friend to go up and say hi to Chad. I wrote back: He was a character and one of the more colorful threads in our tapestry.

 

3 July 2014 Thursday

Daisy woke me up at 2 this morning and I could not get back to sleep until 3 because I watched an episode of Big Brother and then Coco comes over like gang busters at 7 and I am exhausted and it's only 830. ....coffee here I come.

 

 I drove to Bountiful to go to Smith’s there so I could pull some money out for Kyle Daniels for working on the roofing. I gave him $100.  When Kyle comes over this morning, it will take 10 minutes of screwing and the top will be done...

 

Yay I also am having doggy guests for the weekend... Alan Anderson and Kyle are bringing their two babies for me to doggy sit...I will have five furry friends for the holidays... Casa Fernleaf the House of the Barking Dogs

 

I gave Kyle $100 and because he said he broke his new glasses today I am sure he could use it. When he came over to finish putting in the last screws he brought Corky and Bhannie over, his two little dogs for me to doggy sit.

 

I spent the afternoon cleaning up and putting away the tools we used so things are looking pretty good and I can concentrate now on the yard. I soaked a little in the hot tub too. That was nice.

 

Tonight it’s too hot to fix a heavy supper so I ate olive loaf deli meat and cheese on Rye Bread, homemade slaw, red grapes and a pickle with iced tea to wash it all down with.

 

Charles Frost must have been really sick this week. He wrote me-I am bouncing back a bit today, for the first time. THIS really hit me hard, the sickest I have been in a long, long time. Started in my throat, so sore I thought it had to be strep, but then eventually went into my sinuses and finally my chest. I have had such a horrible cough, my abs are so sore for coughing. I think I will be better tomorrow, cross fingers, hopefully. I want to be well. Summer colds are the worst! I have been bed ridden Monday-Today. Doug is a strict but excellent nurse. I ate tonight, the first real meal all week.

 

My cousin Frances Ann wrote about R.L.’s funeral, I already contacted the church.  I guess what I was thinking is:  if any of you wanted to come or have anything they wanted said, let me know so that I will try to accommodate.  Right now I am thinking maybe a memorial service at the church and a brief grave side at Rose Hills.  Time wise, as quickly as can be done next week as I need to return to Texas to help care for mom.  My phone number is 541-6593874 I wrote her back saying Whatever you decide I support you 100 percent... Thank you for doing this for Uncle RL...I know he loved you very much... I know you have your plate full with Aunt Mattie Lee... Bless you and much love Cuz Junior.

 

I posted pictures of the roof over the hot tub and said I learned a new architecture word pergola....sounds fancier than a roof. Michael Aaron commented, “Should I not read any of this with my sexual innuendo glasses on? I responded Funny how everything we say kind of comes out Gay [laughing out loud] Michael replied Or I'm just a perv.

 

Then others had to chime in. Peter Crane: so Kyle is a top? Bill Poore: Looks great. Kyle is the star behind this, he designed it, I am sure Amy was the best soldier. I responded All I can say is that Kyle knows how to get on top and screw like nobody's business... He was drilling it for two hours although he got rather sweaty...I was at the bottom trying to be helpful holding him steady... Err we are talking about holding the ladder while he secured the metal sheeting to the braces with metal screws aren't we? I am calling it a pergola sounds more impressive than a roof.  Bill then said,  Yeah make it totally gay. And I said Not until I get the colored rainbow Christmas lights up then it will be trey Gay.

 

David Estes snarkily wrote I prefer more than ten minutes of screwing but that's just me. Alan Anderson piped up, Hello, I'm reading this! Kyle G. Daniels, you have some ‘splainin to do! [lots of laughter]  Curtis Jensen added Is this a porn site or Face book?

 

Alan Anderson replied, Porn site, and I said, ya'll need to get your minds out of the gutter.

 

Amy Barry then commented “It's as if I was somewhere else. Bill Poore answered Amy saying, Ben told me how much you helped. I thought you were a great stand in for me....you are much skilled at that shit than I am. Alan Anderson wrote: Amy Barry from the sounds of things do you really want to be included in this escapade? (I did see you were the best soldier!)

 

Amy Barry got the last word in writing Alan Anderson you're right. I really meant that it is interesting how the thread took such a different turn from what I experienced. Glad I could help and can't wait for my carrot cake!

 

Later Bill Poore was complaining to me about Sheryl Ginsberg, a friend of Alan Anderson and a staunch Democrat Supporter. He said to me, noticed how Sheryl Ginsberg jumped on my comments about Israel and the Prime Minister Net.  Net is a prick and done more to hurt Israel in the last few years than any leader in the past 50.  Ginsberg  just is upset that anyone would say anything against a Jew. I responded e -Yep she's a Zionist Jew but a good person.

 

I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie tomorrow like a summer blockbuster,  nothing intellectual or highbrow and then go do lunch. He said sure even though worried that it might be crazy because tomorrow is the 4th.

 

I said “Let's do something trashy like Godzilla. And Bill replied That sounds cool. I could do Godzilla. I have been known to go see total trash even though I am an artist. I had a long talk with a man today at the VA pool who knows everything about the Bear River Massacre and that area....we were very close to the Massacre site, just a little north of Preston.  I am so tempted to go back and find that spot, he said it is on private land so could actually explore like I would like to....We discussed the fact that the Mormons try and deny they had anything to do with it but encouraged the military (Conner) to kill everyone.  They actually killed around 400 Indians.  It is the largest Indian Massacre in our country's history. They butchered those people. Because it was around of the time of the Civil War, the number seemed small in comparison with losses in the battles of the Civil War.  Got a lot of laughs about my post about PTSD on the freeway yesterday. Godzilla seems pretty violent for either one of us however the special effects or is that effects look good.

 

We decided to go Maleficent because Bill likes Jolie as an actress. ....He wrote: Actually Sarah the head of the Actors Training Program just recommended Maleficent, so art wins.. I swear I am going to delete Michael Ferguson his latest quote from one of Joseph's discourse.  You have got to learn to be Gods yourself, the same as all Gods have done before you. I just unfollowed him, after his new quote saying the definitive bio of Joseph Smith has yet to be written...I just have no respect seriously for anyone that can believe that bullshit....especially as a gay person with all that the Mormon Church has said and done against gay people, they have blood on their hands for all the suicides.

 

4 July 2014 Friday Independence Day

It’s a scorcher of a day. I made some 2 quarts of chicken noodle soup this morning and took it over to Charles Frost before heading to the movies to see Maleficent, a modern take on Sleeping Beauty.

 

I met Bill Poore there and paid for his ticket. We got senior discounts so only paid $13.00 however Bill bought us two drinks and a popcorn and it was $15! Oh well I really don’t get to the show much. I liked the movie. A lot of special effects.

 

After that came back home and stayed with the dogs for the rest of the evening.  I put on John Williams’ Phantom of the Paradise and turned the volume up to help drown put the fireworks.

 

Bill Poore said he unfollowed Seth Anderson on Face book after his post of a Mormon Temple and a quiz that says What kind of Mormon are you. Bill said It is just too much for me. There are a lot of gay couples out there that are married that are not Mormon that I will support.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote today finally.; Dear Kyle,  I got your letter on June 30th. Hopefully soon I will hear when I am allowed to visit you again. I feel like I am being punished and wonder what I did wrong, but love you, and want to see you.

 

 I did get your letter saying they needed a copy of my driver’s license which I sent off right away. I see no reason why it should take 4 weeks to process an application when they can do back ground checks in a matter of minutes on the computer. Well no sense getting upset over something we both have no control over.         

 

I will try and address your letter before just visiting, so I will  cover what you wanted to know. I talked to Jim Dabakis and he said, “Love to go down and talk to the jail folks! His  email  address is jim.dabakis@gmail.com.

 

I also talked to Bill Poore he’s my adjunct professor friend at the U of U and teachers musical theater but he’s also be a counselor for alcohol and drug abuse addiction. He said he would speak to if they asked. His email is bpooreslc@aol.com.

 

Jim being a state senator and Bill having worked in recovery might be acceptable to Mr. Warnock.

 

I wonder if Curtis Price would be willing to come down as a non LDS minister.

 

Ben McAdams is kind of on the outs with the Gay community because for all the money we raised for him and the votes we pulled in for him he has not appointed one Gay person to his administration or hired a Gay person for a county job.

 

He yelled at me in a face book post last December when I criticized that he did not show his face at the city county complex during the Gay marriages like Mayor Becker did and I said I was disappointed that he didn’t even congratulate Jim after all the thousands of dollars Jim helped raised from the A Gay list of wealthy donors.

 

Michael Aaron (now going my his real last name Green) told me that your Q Salt Lakes have been returned as undeliverable. I sent him the last address you wrote on your letter. Hopefully that will get straightened out.

 

He’s probably tiffed at me anyway for not going to his Gay Freedom Day on the 28th up City Creek Canyon.  I did try. I went 5 and a half miles up to Rotary Park on very narrow windy roads and after a half hour I gave up and went back down. It was pretty remote and I have no idea how he expected a bunch of old people to maneuver their way up there.

 

The road was one of those that if you met someone coming down you’d have to back up and it was a steep drop into the city creek and I said the hell with that.

 

Besides Kyle Daniels and I reordered 16 feet 2x6 to replace the 12 feet and bought another sheet metal panel and I needed to be home for delivery but that was a joke. He ordered them at 9:30 in the morning and by 6 in the evening they hadn’t even loaded them! It was 8 in the evening before my building material was delivered so I wasted an entire day being tied to the house waiting on delivery. Ugh.

 

 Well June went by pretty fast. They all do anymore. I built a new garden box where I planted winter squash and green beans and lettuce…but I think my lettuce all died from the heat. I’ve never tried to grow lettuce before. I am going to have bushels of tomatoes so. They are going gang busters as well as my summer squash and cucumbers. I will give most of it away because I will never be able to eat them all but better food than grass.

 

I want to get a pygmy goat for the back yard [lots of laughter]. Turn the shed into a barn. [lots of laughter]      

 

June 30th was the first of my series on Gay History at the library. 42 people said they were coming but only 15 showed up. [lots of laughter] Typical…the room only holds 35 so just as well.

 

I talked about the 1970’s and the growth of the Gay Community during that decade.  The next three presentations are given by others Seth Anderson (Michael Ferguson’s partner), early Court empresses, and then Connell O’Donovan who will talk on Queer Mormon Pioneers before 1869. I will finish up the series on July 28th but I was also asked to talk in Ogden on the 28th.  So July will keep me somewhat active in the Gay community.    

 

On July 2nd Bill Poore and I took a day trip up to Thatcher Idaho to put sunflowers on Chad Keller’s grave. That day was the 7th anniversary of having gone to his funeral. He was 10 years older than you born in 1969 and committed suicide in 2007. Thatcher is a little bitty farming and ranching community about 75 miles north of Logan so it wasn’t too bad of a day trip. It was beautiful up there only 75 degrees and the cemetery is way out in the country all by itself. Right next to it a herd of cattle was lowing and with the birds it was the only sound.

 

We stopped at Peach City Drive-Inn in Brigham City on the way home for a raspberry shake. Have you ever been there? Famous for its shakes it’s like an old fashion 50’s hamburger joint with car hops.

 

The 1st of July Bill Poore, Amy Barry, and Kyle Daniels came over to put the roof up over the hot tub.  Bill Poore and I mainly lifted up beams and held ladders and handed up tools and screws while Amy and Kyle fastened the roofing down. It turned out so much better than I dreamed it would. I am going to put color lights at the top in the back and they will reflect off the polished metal and should look really Gay.

 

A friend called the roof a Pergola… an architecture term so I am calling it that too. Sounds more Gay than roof.

 

When I returned from my day trip to Idaho I heard news that my last uncle died in California at the age of 91. He was my dad’s oldest brother and although married twice had no children so we cousins are taking care of arrangements.

 

 I started to think will anyone be around to make arrangements for me. My sisters and nephews and nieces all live out of state and my sisters are older than me and will probably pass before me. Oh well I will be dead so what will it matter then?

 

Strange to think that all my aunts and uncles as well as my own parents are no longer alive. As a kid you think they are so big and strong and full of life and now they are only memories.  Mostly good memories. We were a very close family. In fact it also seems strange that I am the oldest of the boy cousins and I am the only one still alive. They are all gone too.

 

I hope you are realizing with all this time to reflect that possessions are meaningless. They don’t make you a better person or more loved but who you love and how you love is all that matters in this life. If we get to be sentient stardust I think it’s more important to be amazed at the wonder of life than spend time accumulating objects that have no meaning. I would much rather have the kisses of my dogs than live in a spot less mansion.  I’d much rather try to be a good friend to people than have the riches of Wall Street.

 

I don’t believe in Satan at all but I do believe that the pursuit of materialism is destructive to the soul.  Some people still question me why I should still love you and I always say why shouldn’t I?  My love for you Kyle makes me happier than any riches…

 

 So many people I have loved are dead and gone so of course I will love you while we are in the here and now. How I’d love to write letters or visit with John Cunningham, or my mom, or Chad but all I can do is visit a grave and I can’t even do that for John because he was cremated.

 

 Smokey, Priscilla, Oscar, Saffy all my sweet pups are gone but I can still love and take care of Lucky, Buddy, Daisy, and Coco. Speaking of pups I am babysitting Alan Anderson and Kyle Daniels pups while they are down in Vegas for the 4th of July. They are seeing the Book of Mormon. So I have 5 neurotic dogs for the weekend trying to keep them calm from all the idiots blowing up things.

 

Setting off bombs in the street is not my way of celebrating America’s birthday or Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. But it gives the straight boys something to do I guess. 

 

I am going with Bill Poore to go see Maleficent. I haven’t been to the movies in over a year. We are gonna eat butter popcorn and drink pop and celebrate the 4th in the dark [lots of laughter].

 

I am making Charles Frost some chicken soup as we speak. He’s been really sick this week with a summer cold. It’s really has kicked his ass.  I told Amy I would make her a carrot cake for helping with the Pergola. She loves my carrot cakes.

 

Kyle Daniels off handedly mentioned that I had written you to Amy but I took him aside and said that he can never tell Amy that I am still in contact with you because she said long ago that if she knew I was still involved with you she would never have anything to do with me.  So it’s a don’t ask don’t tell with her.  But she may have mellowed out but it’s a subject I don’t wish to broach because really I rarely see her anymore. I don’t know of much more to write. I wish I could hug you but maybe soon. What is… is  Love you always Ben

 

5 July 2014 Saturday

I am still babysitting Alan Anderson and Kyle Daniels’s two dogs Corky and Bhannie.  I took Amy Barry her carrot cake this morning and while I was out in that part of the city I went to Dancing Crane and bought 4 reddish Indian print curtain panels to replace the old, faded ones I had surrounding the hot tub since I have a brand new roof. I also bought some Faerie Prayer flags.

 

However when I was stepping off the step ladder I fell back and my butt hit the end of the hand railing and it really, really hurt. I am sure I am going to have the biggest bruise.

 

6 July 2014 Sunday

Alan Anderson  and Kyle Daniels came in about 3 in the afternoon and said they had a great time in Vegas. Their pups were excited to see them for sure. I gave them the carrot cake I made for them for helping with the hot tub. I love the dogs but with my 3, I am worn out.

 

            Jerry Buie wrote this on his page which ignited a tirade by Dayne Law against me.

 

Hey Salt Lake City queers.... How many of you know Ben Williams? You young queers .... How many of you read his post or articles in the gay paper? His blog? This man has secured and recorded our queer history with great detail. As a therapist I hear queer folks struggle with self-esteem and identity. Want to know what is missing? That sense of cultural, that sense of having overcome adversity as a culture, that sense of history. The struggle is born from a lack of not knowing how deep and rich our stories are. When we begin to grasp where we have come from... We develop a deeper sense of Pride. Visit his blog! His page... And hug and kiss him with thanks for a beautiful dedication to your future.

 

The Dayne Law  wrote: How much does a gay historian know about transgender history? Obviously, very little. This is garbage. Maybe Ben should learn some REAL history about how the LGBT civil rights movement was actually started by trans* people at Stonewall? Ben may be an LGB or quite possibly an LG or G historian but he is a terrible T historian. He is still conflating the concept of sexual orientation and gender identity in this piece.

 

Yes, trans* people face similar discrimination but also suffer many more complex and different issues than gay people, often in the form of micro-aggressions from the gay community itself (demonstrated by the sheer ignorance of this blog and the language of ERASURE).

 

Not all trans* people identify as homosexual. Many are straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and polysexual. Please do not claim to have knowledge of glbT history and in the same breath say things like homosexual and gay history. Please do not claim to be a GLBT historian and not understand the B or T histories!

 

Jerry Buie the wrote, Here I am in St George, reeling from the news of my daughters engagement.... hence throwing me into crisis.... I post a friendly note regarding Ben who does as well as he knows how too and then I see this on my page.....OYI.... time out for both of you.

 

Here is what I would suggest kiddos.

 

1. Queer History..... is something incredibly looked over and perhaps only now is explored as it should be....ON MANY FRONTS. Ben started documenting history for this community before it was deemed relevant.

 

2. What has transformed into the Transgender Community as we know it today is partly because of men like Ben and others who dared to take notes. Yes the LGB and T community has come a long way in understanding WHO and WHAT we are and Can BECOME.

 

Dayne you are part of that history and there were MANY more who came before you. The various terms you threw out Dayne are relatively new terms being used more frequently now than they have been before. Many SAGERs are often perplexed on this new way of communicating and seeing things.

 

Sigmund Freud is an interesting historical figure, the father of psychology, got many things wrong but he started a discussion and dialogue that did not exist and that propels us today to know what we know.....I would suggest with effort and education we can find a more balanced and fair portrayal of the QUEER COMMUNITIES.

 

Dayne Law.... Who exactly is keeping track of Trans history in the way that BEN has attempted to preserve OUR history today? I emphasis OUR'S because the Gender movement defines me in as many ways as the gay movement has defined me..... it allows me to explore my gender stories and ideas in ways 10 years ago I did not even think was necessary.

 

I would invite and suggest that someone of Tea of Utah or any other Representative of the Transgender community, who wants the STORY told honestly, should consult with Ben Williams.... as an elder and teacher, if you will, and perhaps he could mentor the record keeper for this subsection of the community...... On how to do it, how to write it, gather it..... make it visible. There is much he can share and offer that in unity would bring us all together.

 

I can think of many transgender pioneers in our community who need the light shined on their hard work and progression for all our communities..... seems like a beautiful way to build connections, bridges, and history.

 

Bill Poore wrote me and asked, When did that attack by that Dayne bitch happen....I mean it should be made clear that the Trans really do not participate in the LGB activities...so tell them to start their own organization if they hate gay males so much. The language she wants you to use is as per trans community approval for new vernacular and they are wrong about Stonewall.....it was the street kids that started the riot..a mix of gay boys, lesbians and trans. Take the T out of your LGBT historian. from now on and announce it was at the request of the Trans.

 

I wrote Bill, This is the only article I had ever used GLBT instead of just Gay and I get shit.

 

Bill responded, Ben it is not you, the Trans community in this city has a big fucking chip on their shoulder made out of old cut dicks.  They  expect to change the entire LGBT community to fit their language....The reason there is no trans history is because there really was no recorded history made even verbally in this state. I really wished they would get really pissed and just leave the community entirely and start their own movement. I really don't like them as a group.  I will always love my Dominique Storni but we have history. I have a feeling you are on the Trans radar as a group. It seems they are watching everything in this community ready to attack.

 

I really don't give a fuck what they think. I put them in the same category as straights ty say they are not homosexuals.

 

Bill replied snarkily, Ben you are such a straight/trans racist.  You really would only be happy if we only had gay people in the world and would just tolerate lesbians. I have to remind you without straight people where would we get our gay teen boys.

 

I then wrote to Bill: Jerry Buie. Messaged me and apologized for Dayne being an ass and he said that Dayne is posting on the Trans site about our conversation [laughing out loud] and BTW Breeders will breed. It doesn't mean you have to like them. LOL

 

Bill replied, Well all I can tell you if they are in any meeting I am and say that Stonewall Inn and riots was Trans I will get up and challenge them. People like Jerry Buie and other members of the Pride placate the Trans way too much....the day will come when there is a real war...the lesbians will only take so much. The deal is Ben, Gay men just will never fully understand Trans.  We just love our dicks way too much.  The thought of whacking them off is just way too much for us to accept.

 

Agreed ... Trans should be a separate movement or Gay men should be.

 

Bill Poor: I totally agree.....It won’t happen in our life time,  however.  The gay men coming up might as well not have dicks because they sure don't have any balls....they will never take on the Trans. They are total wimps. Trans are all victims. Gay men fought and struggle but Trans just whine...

 

7 July 2014 Monday

I went in to Dr. Bye for a cavity and came out with a root canal ... Just waiting for the Novocain to wear off and the fun begin.

 

There was a good turnout for our second session of the Utah Stonewall Historical Society's summer series at the city library. I picked up Chuck Whyte and because he had a handicap sticker I was able to park in a 30 minute parking zone! Yay…

 

Seth Anderson was amazing with his in depth knowledge and insight on the history of the Gay movement in the United States ..There was a lively discussion at the end and he managed to keep people engaged.... Joe Redburn came and I sat next to him. I imagine about 15 people showed.

 

However Bill Poore was snarky and wrote, I have to admit my life is less stressful now that I no longer get feeds from Michael and Seth. I responded, Lol after this lecture tonight, I will also turn the lights off on them... I would Connell too if I hadn't scheduled him for the 21st... He corrected me on one of my posts and I told him to stop being so picky... I don't know how many occasions I've asked him over, had him for dinner, helped him with his projects and he still thinks it's okay to correct me... He was a jerk 20 years ago... I don't know why I thought he'd change...felt sorry for him I suppose but Rocky does nothing that doesn't promote himself.

 

Bill replied: It should be a bigger crowd tonight. They put out some Press.....would not be surprised if a trans shows up to challenge you fagots.

 

I said I didn't promote it last week because 42 people said they were attending... Most were friends of Charles Frost who I just think they said they were going to please him... I pushed more on this one... We shall see... I am so sick of the Trans community and I think some of them aren't right in the head let alone their crotches. Always bitching about how awful Gay men are.

 

Bill: I agree with you about the trans community. I think the nature of the disorder does create mental issues in them, all very serious and depressed, dealing with it is way more complex than being just gay.

 

8 July 2014 Tuesday

I made a Deseret Industries run this morning and came home with some treasures like a yellow and blue table cloth, some hippy scarves, an Ancient Egyptian framed picture, a sun burst for the deck and other doodads...

 

Making Jello now because my teeth hurt where I had the root canal and can't chew yet on that side...

 

Nearly burned my feet walking bare foot on the deck... it’s a hot one today. It’s a keep the dogs inside in front of the fans kind of day...

 

Daisy plops down on top of an air vent to keep her under carriage cool...I hope everyone is keeping their under carriage cool this sizzling summer day.

 

I ate the first summer squash from my garden for dinner. There’s something to be said about eating food you grow yourself...I sauté it until it is real tender because it still hurts to chew where I had my root canal...thank god for jello and cool whip...

 

Bill Poore wrote me: There was an article on the front page of the Trib today about U of U changing the fight song.....This one Freshman gay boy said he just didn't feel safe at the U because of the  number of people that opposed changing the song...Some of the quotes from those wanting it changed really threw me....we are called racist, sexists, and much more.  They really don't live in a real world. I fucking hate the word marginalized. Victim terminology I hate it as much as I do Family Values. I told a lesbian today that I think the reason gay men have a hard time with Trans is we just can’t imagine cutting off our dicks, we love them to much...I thought she was going to die laughing. She asked if she could tell that to her friends.

 

I said, We do love the dick… just not being one.

 

Then Bill wrote, So this Dayne Law that attacked you the other day is the Youth Coordinator, and Trans Coordinator.  I mean the level of anger he attacked you with was so not appropriate  for a person with their title.  I just got an email from the Center, it introduced Cappy a new therapist and Dayne and what they are doing...it is totally trans, no gay boy youth…they are having a trans youth camp this summer, what the fuck is going on with that Center....I mean if this guy is now the face for the Youth Program I  see nothing for me whatsoever at the Center. I answered, Yep...it's the trans center... Trans Attack has assimilated the center ... Must be where the new money is.

 

Bill said, “I am going to respond to the email. I am going to just say where the fuck is the lesbian and gay teen programs, where is their camp? We are now calling it the Trans Center no longer the Pride Center. I said They will bury you [laughing out loud]

 

Well, Bill said, I sent them an Email and told them that the seniors are now calling it the Trans Center....I went on and talked about the focus of their new letters always being trans. The youth program and the seniors are the ones feeling marginalized....I told them I didn't want a response. I was very honest with how I feel. I said I didn't want a response having lived in (listed  all communities) that there was nothing they could tell me about the needs of our community. I said, “Well they will just dismiss it but at least you said what you felt.

 

Bill: I just hope one of the Trans reads it. It will give them something to really be angry about. I am really shocked that this Dayne hold so many titles at the Center.  His response to your was so over the top, like he does not have a clue who you are.

 

They don't care it's a brave new Trans world. It's where the money is

 

Bill continued: Well it just seems there is such a disconnect with them, Equality Utah, Sage and the majority of the greater LGBT community. that is really sad though, I guess that is why I would rather work one on one in the 12 steps, more on the front lines of real people with real life issues. I think I am going to try and go to an AA meeting this week and see if I can make it without hating everyone in the room...I will pray in silence.

 

I said, Lol go ahead and hate them all if that's what you are feeling.

 

Bill then wrote I think I am going to start my own Gay community....membership by approval only. You can be a voting member if you wish.

 

I said, Can I voted you out? and Bill responded Only after I vote you out. So I said Then I will start my own Gay community.

 

Bill: Well you already have actually. I think you might have already been voted out of the Center if that Dayne has any control. He’s on the admin committee of the Center so he must have a voice.  I really don't trust anyone with a Master is Social Work, the new Caddy they just hired as a therapist has one as well....they live in an entirely different world.

 

I said Charles says Caddy is okay but will probably quit when she sees how dysfunctional that place is... Save us from Social workers.

 

9 July 2014 Wednesday

Woke up at 430 this morning in pain from my root canal. I took an Advil and now I feel useless. I wish now I would have had the damn thing pulled. If it doesn't stop hurting I just might...My tooth seems worse now than it did on Monday.

 

I can't bite down on the right side of my face without pain so chewing is out of the question.  I am calling the dentist tomorrow and say look at this tooth and see why it is hurting me so much...by now it should have subsided. It feel like the nerve is being touched. I am going to say either fix it or pull it.

 

Kyle Daniels came over today and wanted to fuck so we did. He said I had a huge black and blue bruise on my butt.

 

Brandi Balkin announced that she will be leaving Equality Utah for a job with the Gill Foundation in Colorado.

 

Bill Poore wrote that he just got an email back from Equality Utah and noticed that they in referring to the community just used the acronym LGBT without the Q. He said he found that very interesting because Equality Utah really gets its big financial support from money people and he doubted that  the Q is really as acceptable to them. I told him that sometimes they actual write Gay and Trans.

 

He also said he hadn’t received a response from the Center to the email in which he actually sent them a message saying the seniors are calling them the Trans Center.  I just think it is really funny  and told him that Charles Frost said good for him that someone has ball. He wrote me back:  I am such a fucking asshole. Ha.

 

10 July 2014 Thursday

Kimberlee Gile’s grandmother passed away in Las Vegas at the age of 91. My grandma Johnson died on this date too but some 20 years ago now.

 

I am seeing the dentist at 1... Pretty rough night...been up since 3 in the morning and now my dumb leg that I had bursitis in last summer that cause me so much grief is acting up again... Got a heating pad on it... so my mouth and butt both hurt [lots of laughter] I can't eat anything but scrambled eggs anything else hurts... I have a big old black bruise on my butt cheek where I fell the other day...that is probably what is agonizing my leg.

 

Appreciate your health it's a bitch when things start to fall apart... Other than that I am grateful to be mobile and have the affection of my hounds who know something isn't right and friends who worry about me... I will tough it out ... I am a Baby Boomer.

 

I found the Book of Abraham hieroglyphic on a plate at Deseret Industries on my treasure hunt there... Also found a whore house lamp shade with dangly beads ... I love Deseret Industries it's such a scavenger hunt.

 

By the way when I  went to the dentist, he ground the tooth down a lot more and I am in not such pain... Got antibiotics and pain pills so good to go. 

 

I finally sat down and wrote my column for the Q. I guess I was still pissed because I wrote it about what Dane Law had said. I do have a lot to be thankful for and have had a life well lived serving others.

 

Bill Poore wrote he has a hearing test at 4 but am free after that if you need anything? I need to fast after 8 for blood work tomorrow. You know I have realized lately that I am not steady on my feet. I am really going downhill fast.  Do you want me to come over and help you after my hearing test? I wrote him back saying Oh I am fine...I stepped off a step ladder outside the other day and fell back onto the wood railing and jabbed me in the butt cheek...It really hurt ouch... I am just laying low for a while. I have a big black bruise on my ass according to Kyle Daniels who came over.. I couldn't tell myself...

 

Bill then said I am happy Kyle was able to look at your ass, I am sure Alan appreciated his community service.  In the future would please stay off ladders and foot stools. Look at your record working around your house, last summer you fucked your back up, this summer you already fell off a ladder. Don't move anymore stones this fucking summer mister. You keep it up you might not make it to our retirement.....I had a dream about your Kyle last night...I was giving a talk at the prison.  He was so sweet to me, hugged and kissed me goodbye.  I said I miss him but poor life choices.

 

11 July 2014 Friday

Today was my Uncle RL’s funeral in Yucaipa. Stephanie and Frances were the only relatives that attended. I guess he will be buried on Monday in Rose Hill in the Sequoia section with the rest of the family.

 

In the afternoon Bill Poore came over and brought me a Pink Flamingo light set to hang on the deck. 

 

In the evening met up with Becky Moss, a friend of theirs Jandy Stelter and Alan Anderson to go to the reception for the opening night of Damn These Heels. Alan gave me one of his passes he got for sponsoring the festival since Kyle Daniels is up in Idaho for the weekend.

 

The reception was one of those hoity toity affairs but I did see Charles Frost and Doug Lott and visited with them.  I saw Dayne Law there and he made my skin crawl. I just want to slap him.

 

The film on Barney Frank wasn’t until 8 the evening. He was sick and that is why he and his husband didn’t come out to Salt Lake although it was all arranged that he would.  We stayed for the meet the producers after the showing so it was very late before I got home.

 

12 July 2014 Saturday

As I was getting ready to go met up with Alan Anderson for Damn These Heels, Mike Romero rolls up with a brand new RV that he wanted to show off and set up. He had wanted one for a very long time and now he finally has one. It’s very nice, has a shower, toilet, refrig, and it has a pull out awning. He will be happy with it but I am so glad I no longer am obliged to go places with him.

 

The RV was blocking my drive way...so I texted Alan and said I wouldn’t make it to the 2 in the evening showing but I would to see the film on George Takai.

 

I found Mike’s old frying skillet that his uncle had made for him and it fits perfectly over his stove. His town house doesn't have a place to set the RV up so it's in my drive way and I guess it’s gonna be parked in the 3rd Drive way. Well that is why we put it in so many years ago.

 

He then took it with Coco to the KOA on North Temple to try it out. I told him I have a film festival I have to be at by 7 so I had to get ready for that.

 

 I was home from seeing the George Takai at the Damn These Heels Film festival by 10 p.m.

 

It was a nice summer evening but didn't sleep well last night so will try to be in bed early tonight.

 

Kyle Daniels said his father had a heart attack and is in the hospital.

 

13 July 2014 Sunday

I slept in late until almost 8 in the morning but I managed to sleep most of the night from the benzene tablet I took last night to help with the rash on my leg.

 

Mike Romero showed up about 9:30 to go to Sutherlands to buy a chain saw... could be dangerous at my age... but my trees need a pruning big time...it’s an electric one but with enough power to do the job...

 

I will be swinging my saw left and right...I'm a lumber jack and I'm okay...I sleep all night and I work all day...

 

After that, Mike left and I left to go to the Damn These Heels film festival at 11:30 where I saw The Circle a story about a Gay man's club, kind of like the Mattachine Society in the 1950's. I really enjoyed it but then it was about Gay History.

 

I sat with Alan Anderson, Doug Lott, and Charles Frost and in front of us was Doug Wortham and his hubby Nick. I think we all had a nice time.

 

Upon leaving I saw Jim Dabakis on the way out...He's a history buff too and we visited a little too. I told him what Dayne had said that my history is Garbage.

 

He was discouraged about no one really coming forth to help save the Tribune.

 

I didn’t do much in the heat of the day but this evening Michael and I tried cutting down the tree limbs so Mike Romero can park his RV Trailer on the third driveway. We are pruning back the flowering plum tree between Randy Gile’s place and mine so Mike can park his RV without the branches hitting it and scratching it up.

 

 Well got two huge limbs down without losing a limb but the snap ring that holds the gear that turns the blade on the chain broke so Mike has to get one from work.

 

Get used to seeing a big RV in my side driveway for the next ten years until Mike retires ... I will do some more trimming when the chain saw gets fix...

 

 Mike bought me an electric weed whacker but now need to get Bill Poore over here to show me how to use it.

 

 

 

14 July 2014 Monday

What a fun evening at the city library with Marty Pollack and Doug Tollstrup speaking at the Utah Stonewall Historical Society's Summer Series. I picked up Chuck Whyte so he wouldn’t have to walk in the heat and we parked in a handicap space right out front of the Library. About 20 people showed however neither Seth Anderson nor Connell O’Donovan showed up. That’s kind of telling that if they aren’t on stage they don’t support me. I won’t ask them again.

 

David Andreassen came as always, as well as Al Miller and his partner Michael Neilsen one of the Matron of Mayhems.

 

I learned a lot about the early days of the Royal Court and a lot about its organization. There was a good turn and we went way over the time because people had so many questions to ask and experiences to share. Thanks to the various officers of the Royal Court that showed up to support Doug and Marty.

 

Douglas Cartier wrote me and said Thank you Ben for last night.  I enjoyed it.  I thought it was an informative and entertaining evening.  Wish more people would have come (which they're regretting now).  Glad for your work with our history for the entire community.

 

 Bill Poore said, “I loved hearing the history from both of them. The Royal Court is an amazing organization and all they do for our community. I can hardly remember my name, not alone 80 members of the court....or there about.

 

I agreed and said, It was amazing to hear Marty rattle off all the emperors and empresses by rote memory...

 

15 July 2014 Tuesday

What a wasted morning...I was told to come into the clinics pharmacy at 9 to go over my meds before seeing my doctor on Thursday and have some lab work done. I get there at 8:45 to see the pharmacist who doesn't tell me anything I didn't already know about my meds. So at 9:15 I sign-in to have the lab work done. All I needed to do was pee and have my finger pricked for my A1c blood sugars. I am usually in and out in 10 minutes however they have this new system and by 10 o’clock I go up and ask how much longer will it be and they said I should be next.

 

So by 10:30 I said here's your pager back this is ridiculous. So I was there for nearly two hours and never did get my labs done...Yes I do have good insurance but fat lot that does...

 

I did watch the breaking news on KSL while waiting, about John Swallow and Mark Shurtliff former Attorney Generals of Utah being arrested and booked into jail this morning. Would the Deseret News pursue the corruption of Utah’s politicians like the Tribune has? No wonder the powers want the Tribune gone so All Is Well in Zion.

 

When you have to renew your driver’s license, never ever tell the truth. Very frustrated today when I called Gunnison to see if I had been approved yet to visit Kyle Foote.  I was shocked to find out that my driver’s license has a hold on it and I can’t see Kyle until it’s cleared up. They said my visitation rights were on hold because my license had been suspended because every year I have to have a doctor send in a report on my diabetes... Holy hell... I wish they would inform people what is required all at once instead of piece meal...

 

What’s with all this God damn yearly renewal on everything...Might be August now before I see him. So I called my health clinic and they said yes I would have to get a clearance from my doctor.  Last year when I had to renew, on the medical portion I wrote I had diabetes and now I found out that every year I have to have my doctor send a note to the DMV that I am well enough to drive... they won't tell you that this is a yearly thing either and I found out I've been driving on a suspended license since May...

 

 I wrote Kyle Foote a long letter today explaining what the hold up on seeing him is now. I was so upset that I forgot to save the letter to my computer but it mostly was about that and my garden and going to see These Damn Heels and just what’s been going on since my last letter.

 

I talked to Charles Frost today and he said he’d like  to see Dayne Law’s copy of the  response to Bill Poore’s email.  So I asked Bill if he’d send it to me. Bill replied Dayne and I have become friends, we are going to have coffee.  While we are having coffee discussing Vista (where we both worked) and the youth program, I am going to tell him that you are one of my best friends. I thought I would take you as a date.....listen don't be upset, I am playing him for a bit. I am having a difficult time remembering Dayne at Vista as a male.  He remembers me really well but I don't recall anything about him at all, that is why I want to meet him.

 

I guess he might have been an intern while I was there. I really would not mind working in the youth program as a volunteer.  I have always had a strong commitment with the young.

 

I asked Bill if he had a strong commitment to follow all the bull shit regulations the Center will mandate him to follow? And he said no, probably will never happen because I can’t follow stupid rules. I doubt I will even go to coffee....

 

16 July 2014 Wednesday

My garage opener decided to quit working this morning... Fortunately my truck was out in the driveway because I couldn’t even get the release latch to work. 

 

I was first one in at the health clinic’s lab and it only took 10 minutes waiting and 10 minutes getting the labs done like it supposed to. I wasn’t there 2 hours like yesterday.

 

It's always something when you are a homeowner...one of the springs that pulls the garage door up broke so that is why I couldn't open it even unlatched this morning when I had to go get my blood sugars tested and a pee test...

 

When Michael Romero came over this evening to look at it, he discovered it was the spring. I thought maybe my garage door opener had gone kaput. So I guess I am calling the garage door repair man tomorrow after I get back from the doctors.

 

At least Michael changed my brake lights on the PT Cruiser...both of them were burned out... My luck a cop would have pulled me over and wanted to see my driver’s license which I learned Tuesday is suspended until the doctor sends in the form tomorrow that says I am okay to drive as I am diabetic ...

 

Well I did it. Callooh Callay. I finished putting my archives on a blog site as This Day in Gay Utah History. I made a commitment to myself last year on July 17th that I would post the material in my personal archives for each day of the year. It was a big task and it took me a year to complete usually at least 2 hours a day.

 

When the Utah Stonewall Center's archives were unceremoniously taken away from me I vowed that I would recreate what I could and that no organization would ever do that to me again.

 

My archives are the work of 17 years since 1997. There's no way I can estimate the hours spent compiling this material on our Utah history. Hours spent hand copying material off of microfilm, rereading my journals, and taking excerpts from them, and taking notes, talking to people. But it’s done. It’s in Cyberspace now at http://benwilliamsblogger.blogspot.com/ or on the Utah Stonewall Historical Society Face Book page. It’s my way on honoring all the Gays and Lesbians who gave me so much joy. I know some future historian will see my name and call it blessed.

 

The Q Salt Lake came out today and it was their pet issue. Michael Aaron wrote a tribute to Vixen that he lost last month. Very touching and of course it made me bawl.

 

Some people commented on the completion of the archive site. Al Miller said: I appreciate all of the hard work and insight. Thank you so very much!’. Amy Barry wrote: An amazing accomplishment for our entire community. Thank you. My friend Steve Brackenbury said, Ben, I love this. Thank you for your hard work and commitment to be consistent and reliable. There are so few, like you. And Tracy L Johnson-Faulkner wrote: Congratulations Ben on that HUGE accomplishment. You are a blessing to Utah.  It is nice to be acknowledged.

 

17 July 2014 Thursday

I was at my Doctor’s appointment at 8:20 this morning and all went well. I brought my A1c blood sugars down by 2 pts from 10.4 down to 8.3 still not perfect. .Everything else is fine but doctor said I need to lose 20 lbs. by October. I said I wanted a second opinion.

 

             I gained two pounds up 246 to 248 since my birthday but Stoneburner did give me  a prescription for diet pills so maybe that will help...

 

Test show I have some bacteria in my urine but I’ve got antibiotics so maybe I am flushing it. Most importantly Stoneburner faxed my medical records to the DMV and also gave me a copy so I should not be a road outlaw anymore. Hopefully I will now be able to go see Kyle Foote.

 

I called the AAA Repair people who originally installed my garage door a couple of years back but they never got a hold of me so I called Precision Door Service and they said they would have a garage serviceman out between 2 and 4 to fix the broken spring.

 

The cute repairman Josh came about 3:30 and had my garage fix by 4 O’clock. With labor it was $559.85.  $150 for each spring, $75 for a center bearing, $220 for a new set of rollers… with a life time guarantee My order number is 560432 in case I lose my invoice over the years. So that is my biggest expense of the month.

 

Kyle Daniels came over about 8 this evening to hot tub. I was kind of tired from all the things I did today and we soaked for about a half hour and then went to my bed room where we cuddled. That is all I intended to do because my system is all messed up from the antibiotics I am taking. But I could tell he was really horny so I sucked on his balls while he backed off and then we cuddled some more. He left by 11:30 so he wouldn’t fall asleep.

 

I read this on some message board and nearly spit my coffee out laughing this morning ...What tree did Eve and Adam eat from? So god created two simpletons without the intelligence to distinguish between good and evil. God then told Eve and Adam not to do something or they would suffer. He set them up to fail from the start by not giving them skills they needed to not sin and then defined them as sinners when they tried to acquire those skills. Sadistic bastard. Hahaha ...God he's such a jokester I guess if you are eternal you got to mix it up some to keep from going crazy

 

18 July 2014 Friday

This morning I was off to Deseret Industries again where I bought some sheets for the bed and a picture frame. Then I went down to Sutherlands and bought a new chain saw since I couldn’t find the receipt for the one that had a broken spring washer and Mike Romero said Napa didn’t have one small enough to fit.

 

Chuck Whyte called me late tonight all upset because some guy he had come over for a free massage ripped off his cell phone. He still has a house phone but like everyone else these days your life is in your phone. He asked if I would take him to T-Mobile in the morning to get another phone and of course I said yes.

 

Charles Frost and Doug Lott are going to Idaho.

 

All in the news is the Malaysia airplane that was shot down over the Ukraine by probably Russian loyalists with nearly 300 people on board mostly Dutch people and AIDS specialists going to a conference in Australia. Over 100 AIDS researchers perished. Unbelievable.

 

19 July 2014 Saturday

I was out of the house by 8:30 this morning to go pick Chuck Whyte up to take him to T-Mobile to get his new phone as soon as they opened at 9. I sat in the parking lot in the car under a shade tree for 45 minutes. After he was all squared away, we went to CJ’s on 39th South for breakfast. It wasn’t very crowded and noticed that on their breakfast specials their prices went up about a buck. Five dollars is still a great price for two eggs, 3 slices of bacon, hash browns and pancakes.

 

Chuck paid for breakfast since I was hauling his ass around this morning and from breakfast I made a stop at the Deseret Industries on 7th East and 21st South to see what they had in the way of desk lamps. I found two quality ones for 5 bucks each. One already had the lampshade but I bought a good condition red maroon shade for the other. I was very happy.

 

After doing a little grocery shopping for the dogs and picking up my med’s at Smiths I was home for the rest of the day. I spent the rest of this hot July day on the computer trying to finish up my chapter in Dark History on Joseph Smith and John Bennett.

 

Kyle Daniels and Alan Anderson went to the Capitol Theater this evening to see Wicked and I guess Michael Romero went off somewhere with his camper RV. I am happy to be home.

 

I think that my garden might completely die since I don’t have an automatic sprinkler system. It wilts in the heat of the day as it is.

 

Connell O’Donovan is so fucking aggravating. Last Monday he asked if the Library room had audio visual hook ups for a power point. I told him I was not sure because everyone else just gave talks. So on Wednesday he asks if I would split the cost to rent a computer projector for his power point presentation and I told him I would just cover it. Then he asks if I know anyone with a laptop that has power point software. I am getting pissed now because if he didn’t have a lap top why was he asking for me to pay for a projector? Finally I ask him if he found a lap top he could borrow and he said no and I said I didn't want to pay for a projector if you can't use it. So irresponsible.

 

20 July 2014 Sunday

And the rains came... It's a belly washer out here in Rose Park... The hounds were so afraid of the thunder they huddled with me on the bed while it made Lucky so mad he kept barking at it... He wanted to bite that thunder if he could get at it.

 

I spent all day time traveling back to Nauvoo to get the dirt on John C Bennett and Frank Higbee... What a Byzantine place that was full of lies, deception, sex, and murder all wrapped up in religion with a pretty bow but after 8 hours my butt was sore but a soak in the hot tub took care of that and now it's time for bed...

 

The actor James Gardner died today. He was one of my favorites. Dad liked watching him as Brett Maverick

 

21 July 2014 Monday

I went and picked up Chuck Whyte for the Utah Stonewall Historical Society's Summer Series, and about 15-20 people there which is a good turn out on a hot summer day. Connell O'Donovan was there early, trying to get the projector to work, but even with Peter Crane’s help they could not get a picture up on the screen so I went and got the librarian technician and voila! As always Rocky has to be difficult.

 

When It was 7, Rocky asked, Can’t we wait 10 more minutes and I said no we start on time and then he gets all huffy and I said it will take about ten minutes for me to welcome people, give announcements and introduce you. He’s such a control freak.

 

The presentation was nice, he got some facts wrong, but I just shut my mouth and sat on my hands. He talked about Queer Mormons born before 1869. I’ve heard it all before so nothing new for me but I am sure it was new material for everyone else.

 

  Heather Franke attended and hell’s bells I found out that she’s engaged to Dayne Law. What is up with all these Lesbians marrying Trans males? A Brave New World.

 

Well we were done early because Rocky only had about an hour worth of material and no one asked questions. We will have one more next Monday when I will present the paper I did for the Utah State Historical Society on Utah's Response to the AIDS Epidemic 1981-1986.

 

 While searching some records I found that Steve Oldroyd died in 2007. He was one of the threads of our little community back in the day. He was a staple at Unconditional Support and Wasatch Affirmation and other groups. He was a Julliard Graduate and was a prominent Hotel Utah Pianist, and winner of first national talent show at the Reno Gay Rodeo. He played Christmas Concerts on a Steinway for many years at the ZCMI Mall. He lived for years on 1st Ave between State Street and A Street.

 

I last saw Steve sitting on the grass in Memory Grove at Chad Keller's AIDS Red Ribbon Memorial. I think that was the last time I spoke to him. I always wondered what happened to him. No one seemed to know. He just seemed to have faded away as old faeries do. But found that he is buried in the Richfield Cemetery. Strange he died just a month before Chad Keller did. William Steven Oldroyd Aug 30, 1939 - 23 May 2007.

 

People commented about Steve. Bill Poore said, “I knew him very well from my days at the U and the theatre department. Are you sure he was born in 39? He didn't seem that much older than the rest of us at the time.

 

I replied to Bill, That's what his tombstone said... And I remember him turning 50 in 1989 and thought I'd never get that old [laughing out loud]...he was a strong supporter of unconditional support... A regular fixture where ever you went... He was a character for sure... Glad to know where he is...maybe a road trip is in order.

 

Bill added, Yeah, let’s go find him and take him some flowers. This could be our summer goal.....We could take flowers to Jay Flower also. He is buried in the Dragerton Cemetery. He also died of AIDS. Oldroyd was around the department a great deal because he was an accompanist for the Pioneer Musical Theatre Company. He work with Jim Prigmore on a lot of the shows.

 

Curtis Jensen added, Steve was a delightful eccentric soul who was always a kind presence at all the various community meetings and organizations that I would see him at. Hopefully tools like Face book will keep us all a little bit more connected to each other so that we don't just fade away.

 

Douglas Cartier wrote I knew Steve very well. He was a very good supporter of the Court and especially the drag queens. Jimmy Hamamoto commented that  Steve was a constant attendee at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union (known to me as Gay Student Union in the late 70's).

 

Greg Hardin wrote, Thank you Ben for your countless hours of research and insight of our wonderful community. I've also wondered what ever happened to Steve Oldroyd. He was always such a sweet man and very talented!

 

Brandon Burt said, He used to play piano at a Christmas party a couple of my friends threw every December. Then I think his health started to give out so he was no longer able to do that. But, yeah, I think the last time I saw him, he was playing Christmas carols .

 

Others who wrote about Steve’s passing were Melissa Sillitoe-Bocarde who said  I remember Steve, too, Ruadhan O'Sheridan who thanked me for posting about Steve, Steve Brackenbury said, I remember Steve, and Jon Schild also said I remember him. I haven't seen him for quite a while though. Now I guess I know why.

 

Garth Chamberlain wrote I remember Steve, He was a support meeting junky like myself.

 

Russell Pack commented, “Thank you so much for sharing, Ben. I remember Steve very well and so am sorry to hear of his 2007 passing. We cannot forget folks like this, that's for sure.

 

Alan Anderson:  I remember Steve well. Very talented pianist, and always upbeat. How did we lose touch of someone who was always in the community?

 

Chuck Whyte added: A Very Talented and Grand Artist, A True Unconditional Community Member. Without a doubt he is playing in the heavens for the angels

 

Tracy L Faulkner said to me How neat that so many have such wonderful memories of Steve. He must have lived a Fabulous life.

 

I responded Tracy he was such a fabulous old queen, bar fly, social group junky, talented SOB and such a fixture in the community for nearly 30 years. Everywhere you went there was Steve tugging at you, with sparkling eyes ready and willing to share some gossip... I never saw him without a day planner. So few colorful characters anymore. Steve was one of a kind. Makes me sad like Curtis Jensen said that he could have faded away without anyone knowing it. But now we do.

 

22 July 2014 Tuesday

I decided to move my captain bed around.  It’s a big undertaking because I had to move everything out of the bedroom and then take the bed apart. I wanted the head to be on the north wall facing south.

 

I had asked Kyle Daniels to help me but he hasn’t called me for a few days so I decided I can do it by myself and I did and I am so glad because it makes the room more spacious.

 

I need to get a new television I think for the bedroom now. I hadn’t changed my bedroom around in five years so I think it’s about time.

 

I am getting from my garden squash, tomatoes, and cherry tomatoes but no cucumbers... I think it's been so hot that it wilts the vines even though I water every day... The Green beans are just starting to flower... It will be Lammas before they are harvested... There's something grand eating what you grow... My mom would be proud. 

 

Just researching and organizing the chapter I am writing about sodomy in Nauvoo.

 

 

 

 

 

23 July 2014 Wednesday

Its 10:15 in the morning and I've got five planter boxes for the front yard cut ready to be built. With my trusty power saw and power drill, I cut and screwed and measured and used fractions and Dad's square. I think Dad would be proud but it’s not half the job he would have done. All I need now is to have Kyle G. Daniels come over and help me screw them together. Which I am sure he will since I am doggy sitting over the 24th. Alan and he are going to Lava Hot Springs. I am going to Ben's backyard hot tub...

 

So 5 and a half dogs for a couple of days. I am sure Corky is anxious to see his boyfriend Buddy again. With Bhannie and Corky visiting for a couple of days, I made chicken gizzards and hearts with creamy cheesy macaroni noodles with dried kibbles for supper. What are you having for dinner? Ha!

 

Bhannie was so excited to come over she pooped! Now that's excitement.

 

Michael Romero is coming over to pick up Miss Coco later after work. She's going camping in her air conditioned RV for Pioneer Day. So I will just have the five for the sleep over and when I say sleep over I mean all over me... I am a puppy polygamist for Pioneer Day or as the Gentiles say Pie and Beer Day...

 

When Michael pulled up after work to hitch up the camper,  Corky jumped on my window table and knock over my jade plant on to the floor [laughing out loud] that is why I can't have nice things :) good thing I shop at Deseret Industries.

 

Then while I am cleaning that up Michael opened the garage door without checking if the back door was completely shut and Corky pushed the back door open and is gone in a streak! Fortunately Michael caught up with him almost two streets away trying to hijack a car... Now everything is locked and barricaded... It Scared me to death...he's asleep by my side now the little shit ...

 

When I posted my August Q Salt Lake Article about Dayne Law telling me that my work was garbage I got these responses from my Face Book friends. Alan Anderson wrote Well written and totally honest. Thanks for all you do Ben. And it will never be enough for some people. The criticism you received from some people was not warranted, nor deserved. Sorry you had to go through that. I do know that person needs to learn about tact and standing up for his community when warranted. In this instance, his attacks were totally unwarranted, and if he continues to use such tactics, he will lose many of us as allies. Just saying.

 

Amy Barry added That critic will be one of those people that comes and goes without anyone noticing. And  Joshua Jonas Kent Jones said,  This community needs to have an intervention! Gather the wagons, circle our own and stop throwing stones at each other! Thanks for all you do Ben.

 

Even  Douglas Cartier whom I don’t always get along with stated< What you do for this community is invaluable! You do it all voluntarily and get nothing from it except the desire to make it a better community. Fuck the people who bitch! That's all they do. They should get off their ass and write their own history. Keep doing what you're doing Ben!!! It is appreciated and indispensable!

 

Another person I’ve had issues with over the years came to my defense. Jon Schild wrote, I haven't been in the gay world here as long as Ben, only since 1987. He was not only the memory of everything that went on, he organized much of it in the early days. He and I often disagree on things, usually politics, but I never would claim he isn't doing his job as a historian. It is really grossly unfair, in 2014, to scream at someone for not writing about trans issues in 1991 or so. Where were you then? Why didn't you write about it? Because it's easier to do nothing and then try to destroy those who do something? Sometimes I think some newcomers deliberately try to destroy accurate histories so that they are more free to make up whatever they want.

 

Russell Pack commented, Good grief! We have enough enemies on the outside; certainly don't need a disgruntled insider. Thanks for all that you do and for setting this person straight. (In a manner of speaking, that is.)

 

J Seth Anderson, whose opinion I value as another historian, said, “I think you were too nice to apologize. You have no reason to apologize. Gay and lesbian history and trans history are NOT the same things and a person who studies one, the other, or both has no obligation to anyone to write about everything. Keep doing what you like, it's important for people like me.

 

Peter Crane, whom I known since the old Bridge Magazine and Rhino Nest days exhorted, Damn the torpedoes, write that book you mentioned in the article. Hell write more than one. You have the resources that need to be documented so that we can learn from mistakes of our past and enjoy the rewards of those who have paved the way for the younger generations. It's all perspective, you've seen the inside and outside of that box people are afraid of. Shit on them and their opinions.

 

24 July 2014 Thursday

I didn’t go anywhere but just stayed home to keep the hounds company and type. I watched Adventures in Baby Sitting and that is one of my favorite movies.

 

I got a letter from Kyle Foote dated the 18th. I was surprised that he got my last letter so fast. He said that Gunnison’s been locked down for a week so even if I could go down I wouldn’t be able to see him.

 

Corky is a bad dog except when he cuddles and sleeps next to me all night...

 

25 July 2014 Friday

Corky slept on my head, Bhannie against my back, Lucky down by my legs and Buddy on my feet almost all night. Daisy likes laying over the air condition vent to keep her belly cool...

 

There was not as many fireworks as on the 4th but the hounds still wanted for me to protect them...

 

My neighborhood is changing. 10 years ago the 24th had the worse amount of bombs, whistles, and firecrackers but now it's switched to the 4th... Mormons must be moving out and Gentiles in...

 

Alan Anderson and Kyle Daniels came and picked up Corky and Bhannie about 3:00 and we visited some. I guess they had a nice time at Lava Hot Springs.

 

I was tired all day from not getting much sleep with the pups all nervous from the fireworks last night.

 

I went with Bill Poore to see Midsummer Night Dream at the Babcock Theater. Bill Poore invited me for free but we left at intermission ... There was absolutely No faerie energy... No passion...so we no stay...

 

The director combined elements of Alice in Wonderland into the play and had Puck be the Cheshire Cat played by a fat guy in purple striped pants with a Cheshire grin painted on his face... Lysander was a rabbit...It was not working for me.

 

I gave Charles Frost and Bill Poore some tomatoes and squash from the garden today...

 

26 July 2014 Saturday

I was really surprised this morning when Michael’s brother John Romero showed up on my doorsteps looking for Mike. I said that he had gone camping this holiday weekend with Coco since Thursday was a state holiday. We had a nice visit and he caught me up on his kids. They are all grown. I offered to let him stay here but he said he's probably going to go to Flaming Gorge to camp out before heading back to Rawlins. 

 

I worked the rest of the day on the Dark History and really didn’t get much done before going over to Chuck Whyte to pick him up to haul him up to Ogden with me for Marilyn Johnson and Tracy Faulkner’s pot luck and lecture series. I was the guest speaker and was asked to talk about the Gay 1980’s in Salt Lake City after the pot luck.

 

 I was home by 11 in the evening from what turned out to be a delightful evening in Ogden at Marilyn Johnson and Tracy Faulkner home. Because there were so many people there we all sat outside. They live close to the Mountains so it was really nice. It was fun to see Beau Chaine' and Becky Moss there and they helped keep me honest.

 

 I was surprised that a Lesbian couple drove from American Fork just to hear me speak. There is something about Ogden people that I really like. I think it's they still have a sense of community.  They gave me a $20  gift card to Roosters also.  Tracey wrote: What a fun evening with friends. It was so wonderful to see y'all. Thanks Ben for coming all the way to Ogden to talk to us about what it was like to be Gay and Lesbian in Utah in the 1980s. Ben said that Dr. Kristen Ries was the only doctor in Utah take would treat people with HIV. He called her a saint. It's so cool to be surrounded by some of the very people, Beau Chaine', Becky Moss and Leland Young and Ben, that were out when all they had was themselves as family. They paved the way for equality.

 

 

 

27 July 2014 Sunday

Didn’t get as much accomplished as I wanted to do today. I spent most of the day again correcting and writing on my chapter SODOM AND DEBAUCHERY ON THE MISSISSIPPI on the Dark History series I am doing on Mormonism. I have been working on it for over a week. Do not know why I am putting so much effort into it.

 

I got all my laundry work the week, changed the sheets on the bed and emptied the trash. That’s about all the house work I got done. Didn’t get any yard work finished.

 

About 3:30 Levon Mirakyan texted me saying he was really pissed at Dave Robinson so I thought here we go again and I was right. He called and asked if he could stay with me a few days until he got a plane ticket to L.A. and of course I said yes. He wanted me to come pick him up and he’s living now at a Condo over on 115 South and 1100 East.

 

So I went and picked him up at 6:00 and of course by then Dave has talked him into staying so we just went out to dinner. We went to the Golden Phoenix Chinese Restaurant on about 1100 South and State Street. I have seen it there for years but had never eaten there. It was good … kind of slow service for how few people were there.

 

I ordered chop suey but it really wasn’t California Chop Suey. It was kind of pricey too $10.00 a plate. I liked East Sea here in West Salt Lake City better.

 

Well it was the same old, same old. He confessed to me today that he loves Dave. After dinner which I couldn’t finish we went out for an ice cream cone at Arctic Circle like Kyle Foote and I used to do then drove around Liberty Park. It was a beautiful warm Salt Lake City evening in the city. About 91 degrees downtown.

 

After taking the kid home, I dropped by Charles Frost and Doug Lott for a little visit to see how they are doing. They said they ran into Michael Ferguson at Smith’s and he was complaining that Seth won’t touch his ass…[lots of laughter] Oh brother. If his husband won’t do it he better go fine someone who will.

 

Speaking of touching my ass I haven’t heard from Kyle Daniel since Alan Anderson and he came and picked up Corky and Bhannie.

 

I weighed myself this morning and on my scale I am under 240… I guess the diet pills are working. I started taking them last Monday.

28 July 2014 Monday

I was at the dentist at 7:30 this morning to have a temporary crown put on. Not the most enjoyable way to start the day. It was $400 and I have insurance. That's out of pocket. I think next time I will say pull the damn thing especially at my age.

 

I came home and poor Daisy had a dirty butt and so I threw her 50 lbs. into the tub and scrubbed her down and cleaned some spots on the carpet. The things you do for love.  She had a difficult time getting up this morning on her hind legs and I’m not sure because it was her dirty butt or something else. The other day she peed on the bedroom carpet in front of me and she has never done that before. I am a little worried about the old girl.

 

I picked up Chuck Whyte to go to the library for the last of the series. It was a smaller turn out, probably from the rain. I gave the last presentation on AIDS. I said thanks to the troopers who came out in a summer storm to listen to me drone on about the history of our fabulous community...

 

The five weeks went by fast. I thanked Seth Anderson, Marty Pollock, Douglas Cartier, and Connell O'Donovan on Face Book for being willing to share their insights and knowledge at the Utah Stonewall Historical Society's summer lecture series even if they never came to any but the ones in which they presented.

 

Douglas Cartier wrote back: You did a great job. Your research and dedication are invaluable. Marty Pollock said “You really did a great job Ben. I wish more had come the night of the RCGSE History on the 14th. That most likely was the last time I will ever speak historically. I am burned out on interviews....many many, many interviews. It was nice to remember the past, I was a tad disturbed by the lack of people that could have and possibly should have been there.

 

I responded to Marty saying, Like Chuck Whyte told me...you can't force people to care about their history... Who matters are those who do... More business majors in college than history majors but it's the historians who decide what stories are worth remembering.

 

Marty Pollock lamented, And there are those who could care less about the court's history. Carry on. Just Carry On.

 

29 July 2014 Tuesday

I soaked in the hot tub this morning, listening to all the pings on the metal roof as grapes and twigs fall from my lofty 30 ft poplar trees and grateful to Kyle Daniels and Amy Barry who were kind enough to spend some of their summer helping this old man out...

 

The unexpected showers have broken some of the summer heat, tomatoes are now at that stage they are producing faster than I can eat them...life is good and counting my blessings for today. Summer in Salt Lake City...I love this town.

 

Later it rained almost all day a good steady rain. Working on my chapter SODOM AND DEBAUCHERY ON THE MISSISSIPPI for My Dark History blog for most of the day. It’s amazing how quickly the time flies working on it. I am done with the research it’s just a matter of editing.

 

I was shocked to get a message from Vine that updates Kyle Foote's status and it said he came before the Utah Board of Pardons and Parole and that they made a decision but it didn’t mention what.  It really made me anxious. If Kyle gets parole am I ready to take him back home? How would that affect my friends and what they think of me but I didn’t have to make that decision because when I called about it, I was told he was denied parole and he won’t have another hearing until December 2016. That made me incredibly sad for I will be 65 and a half before he is released.

 

30 July 2014  Wednesday

I called the Gunnison prison this morning because I wanted to see if I had been cleared yet to visit Kyle. I wanted to go this Friday but the prison said that I still had a hold on my driver’s license! That pissed me off no end because I had Dr. Stoneburner fax the release on the 17th! 13 days ago! They said I will need to send a copy of the doctor report and more red tape before I am cleared. I feel like I am the one being punished.

 

In the afternoon I had the PT Cruiser registered. I always wait for the last minute. I had the oil changed, new window wipers put on, and the lights above the hatch were burned out so had them replaced too. It took less than a half hour! 

 

Then I decided to treat myself for being a good boy and I bought a 28 inch flat screen Smart TV at Best Buy for my bedroom. It comes with Netflix and Hulu built in so just have to program my Wi-Fi into it. Will be nice after I go back to work and I just want to lie in bed and veg... It’s the first time I’ve had a TV in my bedroom since giving the flat screen I had to Bill Poore.

 

Speaking of Bill I guess his breakfast date with Dayne Law was a dud when Dayne blew him off. I said don’t waste your time with that unhappy Tranny who hates Gay men.

 

Michael Romero came over this evening to show me how to use the chain saw and he was getting his refrig stocked and  ready to go out again this weekend. He likes the KOA at Coleville near Kamas.

 

I haven’t heard much from anyone lately, especially Kyle Daniels but I guess he’s up in Idaho. Hard to believe that July is over. It went by quickly.

 

 In the news Israel is pounding the hell of the Gaza strip and is losing support for killing so many children and civilians

 

31 July 2014 Thursday

My temporary crown broke and came off while eating breakfast this morning. I was chewing on a piece of ham and then it cracked. Ugh but was able to get in and have a new one put on at 1:30.

 

I tried calling the Driver’s License division to make sure that the hold on my license was lifted after going to the doctors but it nearly impossible to get them to answer over the phone so I guess I will go in early tomorrow and take a number to talk to someone.

 

I work on my Dark History chapter on Sodomy and polygamy in Nauvoo for much of the day.

 

 I had Chinese noodles for lunch because I wanted something soft to eat. In the evening I decided to go out and put my planter boxes together rather than wait on anyone to come over and help. Once I started it wasn’t too hard. I only finished four planter boxes for the front yard... I would have finished a fifth if it weren't for hungry mosquitoes deciding I am mighty tasty... I had two drills going: one for drilling one for screwing... I feel like a lesbian only they would have done them better and faster.

 

So July is over and two thirds of my summer and I have not been able to see Kyle Foote. I just have to accept that.

 

My tomatoes are going gang busters but I will not plant cherry tomatoes again. They are tasty but too laborious to pick compared to just taking a tomato off the vine.  The cucumbers have done very little and the squash is producing slowly but just about the right amount to eat.

 

AUGUST

1 August 2014 Friday

I was up early and went down to the Utah Driver’s License Division at the Fairgrounds to be there when they opened at 8 at. Evidently there's still a hold on my driver’s license even though the doctor sent it in on the 17th so here I sit and wait...

 

I had an express ticket so I didn’t have to wait longer than 20 minutes. The kid there faxed a copy of my original and kept it too so I asked if I could have a copy to send to the prison. The fellow called and was told that the hold was taken off…So that is done.

 

Bought a few groceries on the way home and filled the PT Cruiser up. Gas is $3.65 but I had a ten cents off a gallon coming to me but still it was $42 to fill up.

 

 Charles Frost wanted to come over and soak and visit so I had to clean the house and clear off the deck. I vacuumed but didn’t mop. Maybe tomorrow.

 

But I did really work in the back yard. I finished the 5th planter box, clean out the leaves at the bottom of the steps that lead into the garage, pulled some weeds, and used the leaf blower to get the big stuff off the porch and deck and then hosed it down.

 

 Well it’s the first day of Lammas so cleaning is a good thing to do. Charles came over about 3:30 and he had bad news from his doctor. His Triglycerides were sky high and the doctor insisted that he change his diet to get them down… that’s going to be a tough road, no carbohydrates, no fruit, no dairy, no alcohol and Charles loves his martinis but you do what you have to do to preserve your health.

 

He admitted turning 60 is doing a psychological number on him. He mainly came over to soak in the hot tub because one of his knees is giving him fits going up and down stairs. He’s seeing a doctor about it as soon as he can. I gave him some tomatoes and squash to take home with him.

 

Michael Romero then came over to hitch up the RV and go off to Coalville. He went with Coco for the weekend.

 

So that pretty well was my day.

 

Chuck Whyte called and said he heard that The People With AIDS Coalition of Utah is going out of business and the Pride Center is buying that building to house the new Wellness Center. So much for the concept of a community center.

2 August 2014 Saturday

At 1:00 in the morning I get a frantic text from Levon Mirakyan saying Ben this extremely urgent please pick up so I called him and he is begging me to come get him. Dave Robinson and he have had a terrible fight involving this Ronnie Green kid who has been staying with them at their new place. I guess there was spitting, biting, and fighting going on so I hurry over there as fast I could and brought Levon back to the house with all his luggage.

 

Of course I am a mess having been woken from a sleep and I went back to bed and told Levon to try and sleep and we will figure everything out in the morning.

 

When morning came I was up to go with Charles Frost to the Farmer’s Market in Murray Park. It was already busy with lots of peaches, tomatoes, and squash coming in. Well I didn’t want to get peaches because I’d just want to make a cobbler out of them and I have plenty of tomatoes and squash from my garden but I did buy a bag on apricots for $2.00. Charles bought all this healthy crap like beets and kale and peppers and squash [lots of laughter]. They are probably the only apricots I will get anymore since I have no luck with planting trees.

 

Well Levon was gone to meet Dave by the time we got back but I got a text message from Charles, after he left me, saying he found Levon on the corner waiting for a bus and he gave him a ride into town and dropped him off at Nostalgia Coffee place.

 

 He said they talked but not real long or enough and Dave called him enroute. He said it was cold between them and Dave hung up on him. Then Charles went on to say that Levon shared more about some abuse that is going on at Dave’s. There’s been much more physical violence than I knew.

 

When Charles dropped him off, Levon didn’t want Dave to see Charles dropping him off. I didn’t see Levon again until I picked him up at 8 at the Traxx station.

 

Charles also said that Eric Ethington and his new bride were having coffee outside in front of Nostalgia.

 

Later Bill Poore wanted to drop by and we visited and he also put together my weed whacker that Michael Romero had bought for me.  I was worried about Bill because he seemed so out of breath and the guy twice wrapped the cord around the string part of the whacker and on the second time split open the extension cord.

 

After that the only excitement was when I was waiting to pick Levon Mirakyan up this weird guy, probably high on meth or something, started coming towards the car yelling read your Bible you don’t read your Bible and I am going to bash you in the head… Of course I drove off. Very strange. After picking up the kid we went to Ranchitos and we had dinner since all he had was a banana today to eat from this morning.

 

3 August 2014 Sunday

Well I injured myself today, not real badly. I lacerated my leg with the weed whacker. Valuable lesson, don't stand so close to the weed whacker with your hand on the button when you plug it in or wear long pants... Looks worse than it is...I have a tough hide.

 

 Earlier in the morning I helped Levon Mirakyan read over a contract he wants Dave Robinson to sign before he moves back in and helps him with the Outdoors Retail Convention that is coming to town.

 

Then I drove him into town to meet with Dave at Nostalgia’s on 1st South. After dropping him off I decided that maybe I better try to trim the trees in the front yard with the chain saw before it got too hot.

 

I had a really weird message from Bill Poore last night at 1 in the morning as a text. It said he was coming over to do my yard and to give him the garage code. I found out later from him that he had double dosed on Ambien the sleeping pill and he was calling in his sleep. Again weird.

 

So I was cutting branches and doing a good job piling them up for that trash pickup which must be coming from all the trash people are putting on the street. But on the tree closest to Dale Ridge the chain got stuck in the branch and came off so I had to stop.

 

 So I decided to use the weed whacker and it was going great but I must have been tired or just plain careless because at a point when I went to replug in the extension cord  that had come off, I still had my hand on the starter handle and it started up and it was too close to my ankle and lacerated it pretty good but not real serious…just broke the skin…

 

When I told Bill what happened, he rushed over here like Florence Nightingale to look at it.  We both agreed that if it begins to swell or anything I’d go to the instant care tomorrow. Maybe I will anyway. So then he wanted to help in the yard some so he going the leaf blower out and we cleaned up some of the yard debris.  He was here when Mike Romero came back to park the trailer and they met for the first time.

 

Of course Bill was impressed with the RV.  Mike put the chain back on the chain saw and if I am up to it I will use it again tomorrow.

 

So my friends all gave me a hard time on face book when I posted pictures of my wounds.

 

I spent much of the evening writing Kyle a long letter.  I took the dogs for a ride and mailed the letter off. Hopefully he will get by Thursday and maybe I will be cleared to see him on Friday.

 

Dear Kyle, I put off writing because I thought for sure I’d be able to see you by now, but I thought I better write to you to let you know you are not forgotten nor far from my heart.

 

I heard through VINE that your parole was denied and I so wanted to go down and see you but when I called on the 30th I was informed that the hold was not taken off my license still! Even though my doctor faxed it to the Department of Drivers Licenses on the 17th! And the guy said that I might just have to apply again. I told him that I have done everything required on me and don’t know what to do next.  He suggested that I send a copy of my doctor’s sign off on my license to them and I guess I will but I wonder how long that will take.

 

However on Friday August 1st I went to the Fairgrounds Driver’s License place, stood in line and was able to speak to someone about the hold on my license. I had the original doctor note with me so he made a copy of it and faxed it to the main office. He called them while I was there and they said it was clear.

 

I will call Gunnison tomorrow and see if they have a record that it has been cleared. If not I guess I will send a copy of the doctor’s note saying I am cleared to drive.  I honestly don’t know why it mattered that I had a hold on it…it's still a valid identification with all my info on it. Why couldn’t I just have had someone drive me down.

 

As frustrating this has all been for me, I know what you are going through is even more. Summer may be over before they let me see you but I will keep jumping through hoops.

 

It’s been kind of a rough week for me here. On Monday I had a temporary crown put on but by Thursday it broke and I had to go in and have them fit another one. No fun let me tell you.

 

Then today while I was weed whacking I was careless and I lacerated my left ankle where the string hit me. It broke the skin in several areas but not deep enough for stitches. If it turns swollen tomorrow I will go to instant care.

 

I think I wrote you last on the 15th of July when I learned that there was a hold on my license so I will try to catch up with news from then.

 

 The next day after sending a letter off to you one of the springs on my garage door busted so I couldn’t even open the door manually but fortunately the truck was in the driveway with branches from a tree that Mike and I were trimming so as to fit his RV into the third driveway.

 

The 17th was my doctor’s appointment where I had my doctor sign the paper and he told the nurse to fax it right away because it was already late…so I have no idea what happened.

 

My A1c blood sugars are down by 2 pts from 10.4 down to 8.3  which is still not perfect but much better. It should be between 6 and 7. Everything else was fine but the doctor said I need to lose 20 lbs. by October so he gave me a prescription for some diet pills. I think they are helping because I’ve lost 7 lbs. since taking them. I am at 235 the lowest I have been in years. When you met me I was 270. They’ve killed my appetite and so far no side effects.

 

Later that day I had Precision Door Service come to fix the broken spring. This cute repairman named Josh came about 3:30 and had my garage fix by 4 O’clock. Two new springs, new bearings, and rollers.  $600 later I could open the garage again and it’s so quiet.  There’s a lifetime guarantee on it but at 63 how long is that? [lots of laughter].

 

    Then on Friday I had to haul Chuck Whyte around to get a new phone. He had someone come over offering to give him a free massage and he stole it.  Nothing is ever free.

 

We’ve had a couple of good soaking rains but not enough to keep things from drying up so still watering to keep my garden going.  I’ve been giving tomatoes and squash away to Chuck, Charles Frost, Bill Poore and Michael Romero.

 

Charles and I went to the Murray Farmers Market the other day.  I only bought some apricots and Charles bought all these types of leafy greens.  He has too. When he went into the doctors the other day his Triglycerides were so high his doctor was worried about him having a heart attack. You know he has some type of heart monitor implant.  So the doctor cut him off of all meat but chicken and fish, all fruit, potatoes, corn, carbohydrates and worse for him no alcohol. No more martinis or it will kill him.  So that’s a major lifestyle adjustment.

 

Charles said that turning 60 is more physically and emotionally challenging then he thought it would be. I said tell me about it. I have three years on him.

 

Only thing I’ve done inside the house this year is move my bed around which was a major chore since it’s a captain bed. I had to take everything apart and put it out of the room just so I could turn my bed around. I sleep with my head on the north wall facing south.  The room is more spacious feeling because of it.  Didn’t take the pups long at all to get use to jumping up from a different direction.

 

For the front yard I made five four feet long flower boxes out of the lumber I had left over from putting on a roof over the hot tub.  I am going to dig up the flowers on the south side of the yard and replant them in the boxes and put mulch out to keep weeds down. You would have been proud or laughing at me…measuring, buzz sawing, drilling and screwing them together. But I did it all by myself… Too independent to ask for help except with a project like the roof which I could never have done.

 

I didn’t do a thing for the 24th because I was babysitting Kyle Daniels and Alan Anderson’s two dogs that I did also over the 4th.  They went up to lava hot springs.

 

 I hadn’t checked my mail for a day or so but saw that I had letter from you,  that I took out of the mail box on the 24th.   It’s the letter where you said you had been in lock down. I didn’t write back because I thought for sure I would see you before another letter reached you but no such luck.

 

 I noticed that there was not as many fireworks on the 24th in the neighborhood as there was on the 4th. My neighborhood is changing. 10 years ago the 24th had the worst amount of bombs, whistles, and firecrackers but now it's switched to the 4th... Mormons must be moving out and Gentiles in...

 

I went with Bill Poore to see Midsummer’s Night Dream at the Babcock Theater. Bill Poore invited me for free but we left at intermission because there was absolutely No faerie energy... No passion... The director even combined elements of Alice in Wonderland into the play, with Puck  as the Cheshire Cat played by a fat guy in purple striped pants with a Cheshire grin painted on his face... Lysander was a rabbit...It was not working for me. [lots of laughter]      

 

On the 26th I went to Ogden as a guest speaker on Utah’s Gay history in the 1980’s. I’ve known these lesbian gals for over 25 years and was running support groups when they were coming out back then so they love my butt from good deeds a quarter of a century ago. They had a great pot luck and about 20 people came to hear me with one Lesbian couple driving up  from American Fork just to hear me speak. Because there were so many people there, we sat outside in the backyard. They live so close to the Ogden Mountains so it was really nice. A fun summer evening. There is something about Ogden people that I really like. I think it's they still have a real sense of community.

 

Speaking of community, Our Store, that the People With AIDS Coalition runs is closing down and the Trans Pride Center [that’s what I call it now] is either buying or leasing it to house The Wellness Center now, for therapy and counseling.  It’s so pathetic. You cannot enter the Pride Center anymore without being let in. The doors are locked and they look through a peep hole to decide whether to let you in…

 

Well who cares. We built the community centers we needed let this generation do their thing whatever it is.

 

The other day Eric Etherton came back into town to get married again to his wife… yes he married a woman and invited the A list Gays to his reception. I was not invited [lots of laughter]… I told Charles that now that he’s straight we can write him off the list.  Just once I would like to see these bi guys marry a man and cheat on him with a woman…

 

You know Jon Jepson went bi and married and then was divorced after having a kid with Darcy. The baby turns out not to even be his sperm baby and he’s paying child support… Call me old fashion…if you’re Gay stay Gay.

 

Levon Mirakyan, the Gay Armenian kid that stayed with me last summer and fall is back in your old room for a while.  He’s fighting with this Dave Robinson guy who has him living with him and working for him but I think is really taking advantage of Levon because Leon is seeking asylum and just has his work permit.

 

Levon is a terrific computer geek and has done web designs for this guy, acts almost like his personal assistant, and answers all their business emails and Dave just gives him a place to stay and about $100 a month. That is all! I think he’s trying to keep Levon tied to him emotionally and financially. But they got into a big fight and Levon called me at 1 in the morning begging me to come get him so I got dress and drove into the city.

 

 There Dave and Levon are yelling at each other and I said both of them needed to calm down go to bed and talk in the morning. I told Dave that the bottom line was that Levon doesn’t feel safe because Dave had this street trash move in who’s hitting him and threatening him.

 

However Dave needs Levon back because Levon has on his computer all the emails and data for the big Outdoor Retail Convention housing that they were putting together.   It’s a mess… They are both messes but Levon is like a grandson to me. He was born just in 1990… Seems so strange that someone born in 1990 could actually be 24 years old.  So that’s the drama that’s going  on around here at the moment.

 

Last Monday the 28th I finished up my five weeks History series that was held at the public library. It rained really heavily that day so didn’t get as large as a turn out as at the others. I spoke on Utah’s Lack of a response to the AIDS Crisis in the 1980’s.

 

The five weeks went fast. I had Seth Anderson, Marty Pollack and Doug Cartier of the Royal Court, and Connell O’Donovan and of course me as speakers. I’ve known Connell since 1988 and I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t like him, and not sure why I put up with him except that I have known him for so long.

 

I’ve been soaking in the hot tub now that there’s a roof, and lately I am listening to all the pings on the metal roof as grapes and twigs fall from my lofty 30 ft poplar trees.

 

The showers we have had has also broke the summer heat of the high 90’s but we only had two days so far this summer of 100.

 

I have spent almost three weeks researching the shenanigans that went on in Nauvoo during the time it was the headquarters of Mormonism.  The working title of this chapter for my book Dark History is SODOMY AND DEBAUCHERY ON THE MISSISSIPPI. [lots of laughter] I have over 120 footnotes and it just kind of kept exploding and expanding; trying to research Sidney Rigdon’s loss of influence in the church after his daughter Nancy refused to be Smith’s spiritual wife, the rise of bisexual Dr. John C. Bennett,  Nauvoo’s mayor, chief justice, chancellor, major general and assistant to Joseph Smith in the First Presidency, the  use of abortions to keep polygamy a secret, Dr. Bennett’s butt boy Francis Higbee who became one of the publishers of the Nauvoo Expositor which destruction led to Smith’s lynching, and Dr. William Law the 2nd counselor in the 1st presidency who went from being Smith’s chief supporter to his worst enemy after Smith tried to seduce his wife and on and on.

 

One of the things that shocked me and a lot of things shocked me was the writing of Jesse Gause out of LDS Church history. He was Joseph Smith’s very first counselor in 1832 and a revelation from the Lord was given about all the yadda, yadda, great things Gause was going to do. However a few months later Gause became disillusioned with Mormonism and just takes off.  Just leaves.  So Smith a year later picks Frederick G Williams to replace Gause to serve with Sidney Rigdon who had been chosen to be 2nd counselor back with Gause. Well … the Revelation given concerning Gause had Gause name removed and Williams put in as if the Lord had said all those things and blessings to Williams all along instead of Gause.  A revelation was altered and for almost 150 years the LDS Church never acknowledge Gause as the church’s first counselor called by revelation… So funny…

 

At the end of July I registered the PT Cruiser.  I always wait for the last minute. I had the oil changed, new window wipers put on, and the lights above the hatch were burned out so had them replaced too.

 

Then I decided to treat myself for being a good boy this summer and I bought a 28 inch flat screen Smart TV at Best Buy for my bedroom. It comes with Netflix and Hulu built in so with  my Wi-Fi I won’t have to have any other box hooked into it.  Will be nice after I go back to work which is just a few weeks away already.

 

Well I probably gave you eye fatigue from all my rambling.  Just know I am doing all I can to jump through all the hoops required to come see you.  I just feel the need to see your face again but what is just is, and serenity is about the only thing you can do when you have no other options.

 

One of these days, hopefully soon, they will call you and tell you that you have a visitor, and that visitor will be me with a pocket full of quarters.

 

Keep busy with school, don’t lose hope, time will pass, and someday they will call your name and you will be released.  Kyle I just hope I survive you being in prison… Love again Ben

 

 

 

My leg and Face book Comments: Charles Lynn Frost- I place this education and lack of proper use of a weed whacker firmly at the feet of one Bill Poore. God you two are Lucy and Ethel of the Elder Gay Male Variety.

 

Bill Poore responded, he didn't call me this morning because I almost killed myself yesterday with the weed whacker when it cut into the electrical cord. Charles I was not there when he did it. He had his finger pressing the on button as he plugged it in and the whacker was next to his leg. How can it be my fault. I checked out the wound myself. It looks clean but he promised me that if it started to turn red to get to the doctors. He also has a lot of antibiotics on hand if need be.

 

Charles Lynn Frost: I was joking Bill. We all know how strong-willed this one can be. An oh here I go forge ahead perspective on life. I am just sick about how it has scarred his shapely ankles. Douglas just saw this pic and said Oh Jesus Christ! There you have our full opinions from this house. Ben--you call if you need transportation and/or amputation.

 

I replied, I just need to keep my foot up and a libation  and yes it was Bill Poore's fault. He never should have taken the infernal contraption out of the box! However I was using a chain saw too today so it could have been worse.

 

Roland Allen Holmgren commented, You are the first person I know that has ever been whacked with a weed eater. After reading about some of your misadventures using tools, I suggest that you keep your distance from them. Or get a keeper. Does senility run in the family? Just kidding. Take care of yourself as everyone has suggested.

 

Douglas Cartier wrote, OMG! I did the same thing years ago when I did my lawn. It's hurts like a MF'er but it will heal. I still have scars. Lol

 

I added, See it’s not just me [lots of laughter]

 

4 August 2014 Monday

            I went to instant care in Bountiful to have them look at and dress my leg better. She said it would take longer to heal because I am a diabetic but I don't care as long as it doesn't get infected and I lose my leg.  This is the most serious injury I had in a long time, although last year I smashed my left pointing finger.

 

5 August 2014 Tuesday

Just stayed home and tried to stay off my leg as much as possible. The doctor kept scaring me yesterday saying to watch out for infection. We don’t want to have you lose your leg over an infection. Yikes!

6 August 2014 Wednesday

Levon Mirakyan dropped by briefly this afternoon to take a shower and change clothes. He said he is doubtful that Dave Robinson is going to keep his word and said after he is done with this project he may go back to Los Angeles. He said he's so tired of working like a slave for this Outdoor Retail Convention Housing deal.

 

7 August 2014 Thursday

I was surprised this morning to hear the neighborhood cleanup crew take all the branches I had on the street by the curb. I wasn't sure when they were coming and was a little disappointed not to have time to take down some of the branches in the back yard. Oh well I can always haul stuff to the dump.

 

8 August 2014 Friday

When Coco came over this morning, she must not have been feeling well because she threw up on the bed. That seemed to have settled her stomach but I had to strip the bed which I was going to do anyway. So I did a lot of wash up this morning.

 

I called the Gunnison Prison then and asked if I had been cleared. I wasn't because no one had looked at my file since July 15th so this Officer Anderson asked me to call him back after an hour or so and when I did, he said that I was cleared and on the list.

 

 Since that was nearly 11 in the morning I decided that is too late to go and tomorrow Charles Frost wants me to go to the Farmer's Market so I think the best day to go will be Sunday.

 

This chapter I am writing about the escapades in Nauvoo is becoming tedious. It’s like being stuck in deep mud. When I pull one foot up the other sinks down even more but I am bound and determined to finish.

 

Mike Romero came over to get Coco because he hooked up the RV for another weekend getaway. He’s heading South to around Capitol Reef if it's not too hot.

 

So that's about all I did today except this evening when I tried to post a sleeping nude man on Great Basin Bad boys Face Book rejected it and log me out. I hope I am not in trouble again with them.

 

9 August 2014 Saturday

I went over to Charles Frost this morning to go to the Farmers Market in Murray. He had a casting call before I came for a national commercial for the Huntsman Cancer Institute.

 

At the market I saw lots of peaches, tomatoes, peppers, and squash coming in and corn. I bought me some more apricots and Charles bought me a huge Cantaloupe. It must have weighed a good five pounds.

 

Charles said I seemed down today even a little melancholy. I suppose I am a little over Kyle Foote. I feel like the whole summer has gone by without me seeing him and perhaps I am getting anxious about school starting up again and it being my last year.

 

After I left Charles I went to his barbershop called Jeb's Barber. It's pretty upscale for me but they used a straight razor and a back massage which you don’t see much anymore.  I got a buzz hair but for the first time in twenty years. I hadn't meant to but when I told the gal that I wanted it trimmed she thought I meant take it all down.  I am pretty much bald but for my beard. I may keep it this way because it is the trend. At least it should all grow out evenly.

 

After that I went shopping and bought more gauze for my leg and some groceries. I found out today that I was banned from Face book for seven days. Maybe I am melancholy about that too. I feel like I am being censored for doing something horrible. It was just a nude picture of a guy sleeping. No sex. No erection. Since when is a nude man pornographic?

 

Face book said they have a strict policy against the sharing of pornographic content and any explicitly sexual content where a minor is involved. We also impose limitations on the display of nudity. We aspire to respect people’s right to share content of personal importance, whether those are photos of a sculpture like Michelangelo's David or family photos of a child breastfeeding. You will not post content that is hate speech, threatening, or pornographic; incites violence; or contains nudity or graphic or gratuitous violence.

 

10 August 2014 Sunday

I drove down to Gunnison today and finally was able to see Kyle Foote. I just needed to see him again.  Even though he broke my heart I love him still.

 

It was not very hot today so it was a good trip back and forth. Kyle is changing. Prison is hardening him. I couldn't save him back then I doubt whether anything I do will change him but I have to be there for him as much for myself as for Kyle.

 

In the evening as I was getting ready for bed my lower right back muscle felt achy and before I could go to sleep it turned in to a muscle sprain that had me in pain all night.

 

11 August 2014 Monday

Very rough sleep. I took a Lortab at 3:30 am for the pain. Just pure misery. Got a letter from school saying that we got back on the 20th. That will give me 9 days to recover. I gave Michael Romero half of that huge cantaloupe I bought as the Farmers Market. The way I am feeling don't know if I could eat it all anyway.  Charles Frost let everyone know on Great Basin that I had my account suspended for a week.  People were saying that I was the best bad boy [lots of laughter]

 

12 August 2014 Tuesday

Another rough night with pain and a heating pad but I read this morning that I should be using an ice pack to bring down any inflammation. I couldn't even sit on the toilet without my back seizing up. Now that is sad. I hobble around with my walking stick.

 

It rained pretty good this evening. The yard really needs it.

 

Bill Poore said he's coming over tomorrow to help clean the house so I need to clean it before he gets here. I asked Mike Romero to pick up Coco tomorrow. It really was a painful effort to get all the dogs into the cruiser and even myself.

 

I have a dentist appointment Thursday to have my crown put on. I hope I am well enough to hobble around to get there.

 

It's weird not being on Face book.  Chuck Whyte called even to see if I was okay because I hadn't posted anything since last Friday. 

 

The wind blew fierce before a storm bought some rain. Kyle Daniels text that the power was out in Murray. He's finally back from Pennsylvania and I know he would like to come over and have his way with me and while that might be nice my back truly isn't up to it.

 

I did you my time today and wrote my Q Salt Lake Article for the next month issue. It's about John C. Bennett's sodomy in Nauvoo.

 

13 August 2014 Wednesday

I was surprised to learn today that Robin Williams the comedian committed suicide on Monday by hanging himself. He was my age. I always said I get all my news from Face Book so I didn't hear about it until today. Sometimes, I really loved his work and sometimes I thought he was just nonsensical. I guess we all have demons or perhaps he just didn't want to grow old.

 

The actress Lauren Bacall aged gracefully and died today at the age of 89.

 

My back is not good but is getting better.

 

Funny dream right before I woke up. I was making out with Jim Dabakis… [lots of laughter]

 

Levon Mirakyan texted me this evening and wanted to come over to get his things and maybe spend the night. Of course I said yes and I even went down and picked him up from Traxx on North Temple.

 

We Stopped at Papa Murphy on the way back to the house and bought a pizza. He actually paid for it but I would have but I thought let him be nice to me.

 

So back at the house he unloads about Dave Robinson. I guess the Outdoors retailers is over and Levon's old apartment on 3rd East is vacated but paid for the next two weeks so he's taking a break from Dave and is going to try living on his own there to think things through. I told him about oDesk and that he could contract out work but I think he's still emotionally attached to Dave.

 

We watched one of Levon's bootleg movies, Tammy with Melissa McCarthy and Susan Sarandon.  I guess we are all getting old. She played the grandmother in kind of a road picture.

 

I went to bed around 10 in the evening and Levon went downstairs to sleep.

 

14 August 2014 Thursday

I had another weird dream about trying to get home and at one point I was with a bunch of Mormons and I said it would all be so lovely if it was true but it is not.

 

I was up at usual time and fixed breakfast before Levon Mirakyan started to make his appearance. He only wanted coffee and a slice of cold pizza. After he packed what he wanted to take with him we left the house about 10:30. He still has things down in the closet beneath the stairs.

 

I am tired from lack of sleeping well but I think I have this sore back thing licked.  I am still achy but At least I am mobile.

 

 I cleaned myself up in the afternoon to go to Dr. Bye to have my crown put on the right back molar. It took all of about 10 minutes. So I went over to Charles Frost with a bunch of squash and tomatoes for him.  He likes the little cherry tomatoes so I picked as much as my back allowed.

 

I got over there about 3:15 and stayed for about an hour. I told him all about what Levon is up to and told him what Bill Poore told me about his meeting with Dayne Law down at the Pride Center. He's an unhappy man. And he's not well and has MS and chronic pain in a shoulder that he won't take medicine for. I wonder how long he will stay at the Pride Center because he only wants to be involved with Trans issues and not Gay issues even though he is over the Gay Youth Program there. I guess if you are going to be unhappy you might as well be unhappy in the body you want.

 

Both Charles and I are getting over the Gay Community or at least distancing ourselves from it… I wonder if you can even say there is a Gay community anymore.

 

Went over to smith's afterwards and bought some more dog food and some bacon from the butcher. If I am going to pay $5 for a pound of bacon I want it to be thick cut and not all fry up to grease.

 

I found I had a letter again from Kyle Foote. That was quick. He sent me a floor plan drawing of how he would remodel my house. He's bored but it gives him something to do and think about. He said he needed new underwear, gym shorts, and toiletries so I sent him $135 as he requested. He hadn't had anything new since he was incarcerated back in December 2011. I send money my wiring it through an account called Access Corrections that charges $6.35 for transferring the money.

 

15 August 2014 Friday

Sometime in my sleep I broke a sweat and my bed was drenched, but I woke up with no back pain. I must have had some time of infection or stress that worked its way out finally. I can almost move about like normal. My back feels sore of course because it had been kicked and punched by contractions but it doesn't hurt or ache as before and the sharp pain is completely gone.

 

I had hash brown potatoes with diced red peppers, two pieces of bacon, two fried eggs and one slice of buttered toast for breakfast. Breakfast has been my biggest meal all this summer. 

 

Bill Poore came over this morning because he wanted to mow my lawn.  I truly was up to doing itself but he said he needed the exercise.  I really don't have that much lawn left in the front yard anyway.

 

What l need to do is take a deep breath and put a new spool on the weed whacker and take it for a cautious spin again.  I showed Bill Kyle Foote's plans for my house and we both thought who has a $70,000 or more to redo the kitchen bathroom and move walls? I really enjoy my house the way it is now anyway.

 

What concerned Bill the most was that from the letter, Kyle made it sound that he intended to come live with me once more when he gets out of prison. I just don't even like to go there with him because he gets so weirded out about even the thought of it.

 

 So I took him out for lunch and we went to East Sea, the Chinese restaurant near 9th West and north Temple. I heard earlier in the week that Little Word that use to be so good was closed by the Health Department for 78 infractions.  Dad always said if you ever looked in a Chinese kitchen you would never eat Chinese food. Probably some truth to that but to me the most disturbing thing this week was this older woman went to dinner with her husband and went to get some iced tea from the dispenser and some fucking idiot mixed cleaning acid in instead of sugar and now she in critical condition and might die. Wow!

 

All this week I have still been researching and writing about Nauvoo. Just when I think I am about there I find some more tidbits about what a delusional cult –like place that was.

 

Well I guess that's my report for the middle of August. Middle of August how strange. I’m back to school in 5 days.

 

I wrote Kyle a letter today. Dear Kyle, Just a quick note to acknowledge that I got your two letters this week. I received the one from last Thursday, this Tuesday, and the one you wrote after I visited you on Thursday. That was pretty quick I thought.

 

I had a pretty rough week after visiting you. The trip back was fine, weather mild, although traffic coming north from everyone returning Sunday evening was crazy. However that night as I was climbing in to bed I felt a twinge in my lower back but didn't think anything about it until I woke up in such pain. Somehow I had strained my back. It was my lower back muscle and I couldn't even turn over.

 

Finally I found the strength to make it to the kitchen around 3:30 in the morning and I took some Lortab I had left over from last year when I had bursitis in my hip. I absolutely hate taking anything that is narcotic but Aleve and ibuprofen just wasn’t helping.   But it's been rough sleeping this week. Just pure misery this week.

 

I rested for about two days but the third I started moving about. I hobbled around with my walking stick and using ice packs and a heating pad seemed to help. I even asked Mike Romero to pick up Coco because it really was a painful effort to get all the dogs into the cruiser, and even myself. 

 

Then last night or early morning I soaked my bed from sweat and I felt better immediately. So some infection must have had found itself into my weakest point my lower and inflamed it. Really strange. Probably from stress…perhaps all the stress from not seeing you all summer, and the worry that something would go wrong once I got there took its toll. Stress can kill.

 

It could be a combination of things like school starting again and knowing that it's my last year.

 

I got a letter from school Monday saying that we go back on the 20th. That gave me 9 days to recover but I think I will be okay if I don't over so it. I am not excited to be getting ready like I usually do. I haven't been in the school since last June; or even bought school supplies, which I would have done already by now.

 

Tuesday it rained pretty good in the evening. The yard really needs it because I haven’t been out watering and I didn't even turn on my sprinkler system this year.

 

Bill Poore came over Wednesday and today to help me clean the house so I got up early Wednesday and cleaned and scrubbed the kitchen. I wasn't about to let someone see my messy house so when he came over he straightened a few things and mainly blew leaves off the deck and driveway from the storm we had Tuesday night.

 

Right before the rain, a front came in with about 35 mph winds whipping everything around.

 

Thursday I had a dentist appointment to have my crown put on. I was well enough to hobble around to get there but I was walking like an old man. After my appointment went to visit Charles and bring him squash and tomatoes from the garden. We visited for a little while about Levon Mirakyan my 24 year old Armenian ward.

 

Wednesday evening Levon asked if I'd pick him up from Traxx to bring him home to get some of his things he left here. Long story but he's staying for two weeks at a vacated apartment away from Dave Robinson so he can think things out. I had him spend the night and in the morning I took him back into town so he could go to his new place. It’s the first time I think he has ever lived alone.

 

Charles and I talked a little about the Gay community and how we are beginning to distance ourselves from it but I also said I think the community is also distancing itself from us.

 

The person over the Gay youth support is a 47 year old Tranny. The head of the Pride's Wellness Center is a straight man.  The Jam is turning into a straight bar…Oh well.

 

Today Bill Poore came over and mowed my front yard for me. I could have done it and should have done it but he said he needed the exercise. I am so afraid he'll keel over. His health is far worse than mine. [lots of laughter]. I took him to lunch for some Chinese to say thanks.

 

Tomorrow is the Sage Summer Potluck BBQ and since I am on the board I have to go and help set and take down. Ingrid the chair of Sage asked me to sit at the greeting table and Charles asked me if I was going to be nice. I said I never act how people tell me how to behavior… sheesh I think he thinks I will be grumpy. I told him that back in the 80's I would never have been able to run half this community if I didn't know how to schmooze.

 

It's weird not being on Face book. Bill and Charles said people have been posting asking when I was coming back on. Nice to be missed I suppose. [lots of laughter]  Chuck Whyte called even to see if I was okay because I hadn't posted anything since last Friday.

 

Today my Face Book jail time is supposed to be up so we will see.  Since I get all my news from Face book it was several days before I heard that Robin Williams had died. He was my age.

 

I looked over the floor plans you designed for the house and  Yes I did do a lot of eye rolling. You do know me.  I thought you did a great job but the remodeling you did for me in 2010 and building the deck in 2011 will last me a life time, well at least my life time.

 

Now that I am going to be on a fixed income next year I just want to make sure that the pups aren't the only ones having to eat puppy chow. [lots of laughter] … This old house has served me well and when I am ready to meet the Saints then someone else can do what they will with it.

 

I think you do a great job designing. My dream house was always like a Spanish hacienda with all the rooms on the perimeter surrounding a central garden court yard, with covered walk ways and all rooms open to the court yard and most of the rooms connected with a fountain or water feature in the middle. I would like a house with a yard in the middle instead of a house in the middle of the yard.  Design me that house. 

 

Well I will close for now so I can get it in the mail before 6 in the evening so it will post.  I will write more later…hopefully no more reports of injuries or ill health…  The pups are fine. Love Ben PS I sent you $135.

 

16 August 2014 Saturday

I am so upset, frustrated, hurt, and just plain angry from how I was treated at the SAGE Summer BBQ.  I made a banana applesauce bread to take to the pot luck and then went over to pick up Chuck Whyte at 4:30 because I was informed that the Sage Board members were required to be at Fairpark by 5:00 to help with set up. Since I was Chuck’s ride he had to go with me even though the event didn't start till 6:30.

 

Even before going I get this cryptic message from Jerrie Buie that Michael Sanders resigned from being co-director of SAGE after a vote of no confidence by the executive committee… so I wonder what that is all about.

 

Anyway wasn't sure what entrance at the park we were using and then found out it was where there was these football/soccer leagues using the fields and taking up most of the parking spaces…I thought that's not good for us Seniors.

 

Anyway found the location finally and it was almost in the center of the park.  Well, there were a lot of people helping, young people, not sure where they all came from so I visited a little with two old queens waiting for someone from SAGE to show up and tell me how to help.

 

I knew I was supposed to work the greeting table but then someone from the center asked Chuck to staff the table too!  So I am sitting for nearly 4 hours next to Chuck and I am not able to get up and move around and visit because I am stuck at the greeting table to make sure people were wearing name tags.  So the most I got to visit with anyone was when they came through the line.

 

None from the SAGE board came over to relieve me or take my place. Only one came over and said she would sit at the table while I go get some food but I was pissed by then and said I'm fine and later I had Chuck take over so I could go get a plate which then I came right back.

 

So I see everyone visiting chatting, having fun, and I am starting to fume but I keep my smiley face on and make sure everyone coming through feel special and welcomed.

 

Ben Anderson and Matias Lumaca were there. Jim Dabakis was there. Maggie Snyder and Kristen Ries and lots of other people were there while I sat on the sidelines guarding the donation box that probably had a couple of hundred bucks in it.

 

So as things are winding down, finally some board members come over to take the donation box and I told them to  leave it so that as people leave they might put more money in which they did. But While I was doing my Ben thing,  making sure everyone was having a good time, I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines, being a wallflower while everyone one else danced.  So I thought- I am done. This isn't my community anymore. I could have had just as good a time staying home.

 

I am really disappointed in Charles Frost  who was flitting all over the place being the center of attention and not once did he come over to visit.

 

At tomorrow's board meeting I am resigning. SAGE is not for me.

 

17 August 2014 Sunday

I had a bad dream about being at the SAGE board meeting and arguing that the money was missing from the donation jar and fighting with those people which just confirmed my decision to resign.

 

I told Chuck Whyte that I resigned and he asked why and I replied, that I didn't like the way I was treated at the SAGE BBQ Pot Luck. I guess they never thought that I might like to have gotten up and socialize with people I hadn't seen in a while... I wasn't even given a thank you... The director never came by to see how I was doing and to say hello... and that one gal at the beginning standing behind us when we first began made me feel like I was being checked on... I never ever treated people like that when I ran events and I know a thing or two about putting on big events like Beyond Stonewall...

 

Besides not one of those fuckers came to my history classes to support me...I think I don't like these old dykes who only came out when it was safe in their old age and don't have a history of being active in the community. I don't think I like old people very much unless they have been activists and old warriors.

 

            I talked to Bill Poore about what I felt yesterday and he said I should have said something and I said if they couldn't figure it out that I might needed to have been relieved, I surely wasn't going to tell them that they needed to have had more consideration for me.  I did my job assigned and that is all they cared …which showed to me that no one on that board gave a damn about me. Not Jerry Buie, David Andreassen, Kevin Scott, Kip Swan and Doug, or any of the old lesbians and evidently even Charles who was surrounded constantly by his entourage. Oh  Well

 

Bill said I should let go of resentment and I said fuck that. Well that's that.  I never really bought into the whole SAGE thing anyway about being advocates for Gay Seniors. I don't want to sit around and listen to people talk about how many pills they take and insurance and such.

 

Yesterday Dominique Storni came up to me and surprised the hell out of me by saying she like the article I wrote in the last Lambda Lore issue on my take on Tranny history. She asked who said I wasn't a historian but I didn't say.  But she said she was tired of all these young trannies disrespecting what she had gone through being one of the first public Trans figure. I said well you can't force people to know their history we just have to record it and preserve it for those who will value it.”

 

 Well I about finished finally my  paper on Debauchery and Sodomy in Nauvoo when I decided to go to Courtney Moser's House Warming. Kelly Byrne and he had an open house BBQ and I got there at 7:00 in the evening. They have a cute little bungalow on West Temple near 20th South.  They repainted and spiffed it up but it still had for me, kind of an old house smell, kind of musky but hey it’s their new home so I praised it up and down.

 

Lots of folks were there, lots of Men's Choir People and a lot of younger people I really didn't know but it was a nice summer evening and I had a BBQ hamburger and Courtney put out a spread that any Mormon housefrau would have been proud of.

 

I visited mostly with Al Miller and Michael Nielson because they were at a table I was sitting at.

 

I came home at 9:00 and worked finishing up the Dark History chapter.  Its 84 pages long which includes 279 footnote references. It's all written but at 1 in the morning I was too tired to start editing for syntax, grammar, spelling, and left out words. That’s for tomorrow.

 

In the news, which I haven't been paying much attention to, is that in Ferguson Missouri  it is a battle zone between Police acting like the military and the residents of that city who are outraged that an unarmed black kid was shot to death by a white police officer.

 

18 August 2014 Monday

You know it’s time to get back in the class room when you start dreaming of kids not listening to you...[lots of laughter] Room was hot but not unbearable like some years. I have a new room to set up since I changed grades again but I am familiar with 5th grade but all my lesson plans I had to create for 6th grade last year are in the dumpster...I thought I would be able to use them twice but no such luck. I don't start getting paid for working the new school year until Wednesday but it just helps to go in and get as much done as you can.

 

19 August 2014 Tuesday

I went into today for a little bit and it was raining today just enough to keep temperatures down. I only stayed to 1:00 although there is tons for me to do and put away but Kyle Daniels texted me last night and said he wanted to see me, well actually fuck me, at 2:00 so I came home got myself ready and then by 3 I get a text from him saying he would be done with whatever he was doing by 4:30. Will that ticked me off because I could have stayed all day at school and got a lot accomplished. So I said I  wouldn't be available until after 6 when I was done feeding the dogs and taking Coco home.

 

Then I get another text saying from him that Alan Anderson wanted Kyle to go with him to a city council meeting and asked if 8 was too late…I said yes because I have to get up early for my first day back tomorrow and I didn't want to be groggy.

 

In reality I was ticked still and 8 would mean 9 and then it would be 11 or later before getting to sleep. If he wants to fuck me he needs to put a little more effort in accommodating me as well.

 

Anyway I heard from Shirley Mayo our tech lady at school who also does Orchard, that Jennifer Lewis was basically fired by the old bitch principal there. I guess she actually quit but she was under remediation and when a principal is on your ass you better change schools. I was sorry to hear that she lost her career in education. No one is left but  one or two of the old crowd at Orchard.

 

I haven't talked to Charles Frost since Saturday. I am not upset really with him but I need a rest from everything.

 

David Andreassen wrote: Hey, Poodle, not sure why you decided to leave SAGE but just wanted to say thanks for everything and to say let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Xo. I wrote back, Thanks David for your support... I realized after being stranded at the greeters table all evening that I didn't fit in with those people who didn't know me and I don't know... I didn't think I was treated right so I would rather put my time in somewhere I feel valued and not just used...

 

David Andreassen responded,  I understand those feelings well, believe me--and I value you in whatever capacity works best for you--you are a treasure in our community.”

 

I wrote I realized that I had no history with any of those people...where were they back in the 80s and 70s when I and others were struggling to make a difference? Now in their old age they want services for aging Gay seniors? What did they do to earn it? Just grow old? They seem like sweet people but I am on a far more radical and social justice plane... Not ready to be passing out pill boxes and talking old folk's home... If SAGE was more of a social support group, meeting weekly to plan events and discuss issues...if SAGE was pushing for change I might be on board but not interested in fuss budgets quite yet... When someone on the board asked me where the finger wipes were and I said use paper towels and water he said that was a bit crude [laughing out loud] I said oh sister get over it.

 

20 August 2014 Wednesday

7 hours of putting supplies away and moving desks but I made a big dent in my classroom... I'll finish tomorrow... Then I’ll put up bulletin boards but it's way warm humid and I am bushed. Maybe I should not have drank all that fuzzy navel...just want to take a nap.

 

21 August 2014 Thursday

Working hard this morning getting bulletin boards up and still putting things away but it's starting to look like a class room. I am exhausted...starting a new year is like starting a new job and moving rooms is like moving apartments... ready or not the kids show up Monday...so I guess I will be at school all day Saturday making lesson plans for the onslaught...

 

Went to the dry cleaners in Bountiful and there was a cute guy working the counter and when I brought in a load of shirts to be starched and pressed he said Hi Mr. Williams I haven't seen you since 5th grade [lots of laughter]. I made him tell me who he was  He was a student of mine in 2005 so I guess he's 19 or 20 now... Sure turned into a nice looking young man from the little geeky scrawny kid I remembered...The first 6th graders I taught are now 40 years old... Wow... but they are all little kids in my mind.

 

Bill Poore said that Jim Dabakis got cast in the concert version of Rocky Horror Show. He said he bought two tickets for opening night as an early Christmas Present. It’s for October  24 at 8 in the evening at Pioneer Memorial Theatre. Our seats are C1 and C2. He saw Jim’s post about him being in it and realized that I would like to be in that audience. 

 

Asked how his acting classes were filling for the fall term. He said they have not moved in days and that he only have one sure thing.  He added I talked to Barb today about not going to the staff faculty meeting tomorrow in the Crimson Room in the Union (Brunch meeting). She said she had no idea what Gage would do.  She said he was on the war path and really yelled at one of his assistants when she questioned him about big changes in the Spring Schedule.....They have taken us out of all our regular classroom. I am not sure I want to deal with his changes. I am for sure not up to fight with him over it. I just don't care. I am making up my signs Viet Nam Vet, willing to work for Food   Disabled.  I replied “Make sure you get a good street corner..

 

22 August 2014 Friday

I went in this morning and was getting things done when at 10 in the morning I get a text that Stephen Bolinder aka Chevy who said he was on his way over to groom the dogs. So I rushed home to be there to let him in but then had to go back to work to meet with Jeny Peterson for a planning meeting. Afterwards I went home for the rest of the day.

 

I am going in at 9 tomorrow so I will make up the time I missed then. I paid $160 for the 4 dogs plus I gave him some gift cards to some restaurants that were given to me so that's another $45. I made another appointment for November 8th a Saturday at 1.

 

Poor Daisy has this weird thing about the tip of her tail where the skin as grown up like a bowl and Chevy said it looked infected and he pulled a lot of crap literally out of so now I have to Q tip it with Listerine to keep it from getting more infected.

 

The thunder and rain came in about 2:30 this afternoon.

 

23 August 2014 Saturday

I went in to school about 9:30 and worked my ass off until I had to leave at 4 because the alarm for the build gets set.  I didn't get any lesson plans done but the room is ready for the kids to come on Monday and I am exhausted. I did go into the Hot Tub for the first time in weeks.

 

24 August 2014 Sunday

Too tired to write.

 

25 August 2014 Monday

I was up and out the door by 7 in the morning to do last minute preparation for the kids. I have 20 students but one boy didn't show. Eight girls and 12 boys. Usual first day, explaining rules, where to line up, going over the schedule.

 

The 5th grade is first to lunch this year at 11:40. That is early and makes for a long afternoon. We come back in at the time we went to lunch last year.  It's a good thing this is my last year...I am getting way too old for this...am exhausted and it's only my first day...

 

I am a good 15 years older than any other teacher here and the only man teacher ... Sad that so many kids do not know how to play sports ...we played kickball and when I was explaining the rules this girl asked where was 4th base [laughing out loud]...

 

I have a boy with limited English but thank goodness I have another kid that is bilingual...now I remember why I go to bed at 9... Back to being a working girl in a working world. Finally posted my research on my blog site about Sodomy in Nauvoo.

 

26 August 2014 Tuesday

Not as exhausted as I was yesterday. Starting to get back into the routine. It rained in the afternoon.

 

27 August 2014 Wednesday

Two former girl students of mine, who are Seniors in high school now, dropped by to see me after school. The only thing they remembered from 5th grade was the plays I did and the art. Also that she was a classroom banker...All the things they don't let me do anymore... Just math, reading, science...

 

It's time to leave since teaching is no longer an Art but a science.  We did talk about what to expect in college.  Nice to be remembered.

 

Christine Romero, Mike's niece wrote me this Morning, Can you please ask Mike to call me. My phone got wet and isn't working. I'll try to get a new one today but I have Vasco's phone 9702371457 today and hopefully I'll be able to get it fixed or a replacement and that number is 9708181754. Mom is in ICU and is not doing well. It's the alcohol... Trying to get her to go to rehab but not cooperative and if she doesn't stop they've said less than a year. She thinks they’ve misdiagnosed and won't admit it. She's pretty coherent now and is in room 314 in Rawlins. Grandpa is doing ok with it but is pretty shaken. He didn't know she had a problem as she hides it well. If you can at least pass the message along if he won't call. I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

 

I sent Mike the message and when I dropped Coco off after work, Mike said that he called and Michelle was released from the hospital.

 

28 August 2014 Thursday

Going to be a long day with Back To School Night for the parents...I don't expect to get home before 8:30 in the evening so Michael Romero is coming over to feed the pups...hate to see them starve to death [lots of laughter]...

 

Well I just got home from a long 12 hour day because of Back to School Night... Didn't have but half my parents show up...but the ones who did were supportive. One parent even gave me $100 to buy supplies with. I hugged her...I taught a son of hers who is now 18 and I have her youngest this year...

 

This is my last Back to School Night... 27 years of dazzling parents while never having been one myself.

 

29 August 2014 Friday

Well my last first week is over. I think I will have a good year and I am starting to get a handle on what I am doing for 5th Grade this year.

 

I went to Club Jam tonight to be a judge at the LGBT Adult Prom. John Apel, Steve Mathews and Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin held the prom they called  Yesterday Once More, Prom tomorrow. There was a Professional Photographer, fabulous Prom snacks and goodies to munch on. There was also Corsages & Boutonnieres to purchase. I was there to be a judge for the Prom King and prom Queen Royalty Pageant.

 

It was a fundraiser for the Baker Nevada's Boyz-n-a-Girl Fundraiser that the members of the Royal Court do every year. I didn't get home from the prom until nearly 11:30 at night after taking Chuck Whyte and Walt Larabee home.

 

It was a fun night and I think there were more judges than contestants. Chuck Whyte, Amy Barry, and four others were judges... I told the contestants that we were there to judge their character flaws like in the real Gay world [lots of laughter]...

 

It was nice out ... Quite a few were dressed in prom attire... Lots and lots of Trannys which I learned later was because John Apel runs a support for Trans and he promoted it with them. All in all Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin threw together a fun event for people.

 

Later I found out from Bill Poore that the Jo-ellen we picked for the Prom Queen is Bat shit crazy and just out of prison [lots of laughter]. Bill knew her from a Gay AA meeting at the VA and stopped going because she would go off on a tirade on everyone who she felt was not using the correct pronouns. I however  just saying I gave her 2 out of 3 only.  Chuck Whyte then told me that the Na'am kid we picked for Prom King is also a Trans female to male and lives with two court members as a third spouse..[lots of laughter] So we picked two Trans. Times are changing when Gay Drag Queens throw a prom for Transgenders.

 

30 August 2014 Saturday

I met Bill Poore at 11 in the morning at Smith Marketplace on 4th South and 6th East to take a drive today. He gave me a handicap permit to hang from my rearview mirror. The VA had given him two so he gave me one. I learned the value of them last July when I could park for free at the Salt Lake City parking meters. I will never use it for handicap parking at stores. I will save those spaces for people who need them like my mom did but I sure don't mind using it for parking.

 

Anyway we took off up I-80 to Kamas. I hadn't been there since the time Chad Keller and I went I think back in 2006. We went up the road to Mirror Lake because I wanted to show Bill Camp Rogers where we held Beyond Stonewall so many years ago now.  It was cool and cloudy but really pleasant.

 

After coming back down we stopped at the Drive-In that use to be called Dicks and it started to rain.  The place was packed but Bill liked the boy scenery there…all the country boy eye candy. He wanted to buy lunch but the prices were outrageous so I just had some onion rings and a small diet coke. That was $6.00.  But when you are on the road eating at local joints is part of the deal.

 

We left from there and went through Peoa and Bill told stories of fishing at all the different north forks of the Provo River and it was just a nice get away…cool misty most of the drive. We came back into the city near 2:00 in the afternoon.

 

I then texted Levon Mirakyan to see if he was free for me to come get him. He's in transition again. His staying away from Dave Robinson. The time away has given him perspective on how he is being used.

 

He moved in with this young married couple near the University where he’s going to stay for about ten days before maybe moving to Texas where he has an aunt or some relatives.

 

I took him to dinner at Ranchitos because he likes his Mexican food and then home to pack up his remaining clothes that he left here. We had a good talk and maybe Texas will be a good thing for him.

 

On Face book saw that Ross Poore, Bill's brother tried to guilt trip him by posting on my page that too bad he didn't come up to the Uintah cabin for his nephew's birthday when he saw that we had taken a drive. Sheesh.

 

31 August 2014 Sunday

I felt like I should go down to Gunnison today to see Kyle Foote and I am glad I did. I think he really needed me. I left a little after 10 in the morning and was down there by noon and he came out at 12:30. I bought him a coke and some candy but we just talked the whole time as usual.

 

He said he had a bad week because he had gotten written up for the first time he had been in prison.  He's been taking Zoloft for anxiety and depression and when they checked his meds he had some left over that he had put in another container which was a violation of the rules.  He had to decide what punishment he'd receive, one was having his visitation privileges suspended, one was having being lock down  for a month, or he could pay a fine of $150.  He said he was so depressed and upset with himself that he said he was suicidal and he was teary eyed nearly crying when he told me. I have never seen Kyle cry in prison.

 

In fact the last time I saw him cry was back in July 2011 when he thought he was going to prison. At that time we both cried.

 

He said he got the money for his underwear and toiletries and had about $30 left and only needed $120. I told him that I would get him the money. We talked about a variety of things, even speculated about where he'd live once he is paroled in 2016. I told him that not to stress over anything. It will all work out.

 

He said he was worried that he might hurt people again but we talked about this experience being so painful that it should help him realize that all he is hurting is himself.

 

Of course the time went too fast again and I left at 2:30 and was home about 4:30. Two hours down, two hours there, and two hours coming back.

 

Yesterday Brandon Burt really wanted me to come to his BBQ and I promised I would but I wish I wouldn't have. It was a beautiful evening and I got across town about 6 in the evening and once there I realized it was almost all his and his hubby's straight friends and their families. And of course Brandon is nowhere in sight like last time.

 

I did recognize two people that I hadn't seen in probably 20 years, Tim Van Werd and Eric Carlson.  I met Tim while cruising memory Grove probably in 1990 and had him join the Sacred Faeries as Little Bull.  I think that was his name. He was so cute and sexy and that was a sweet memory. Now we are both so much older now.

 

Eric Carlson I am pretty sure I knew from Affirmation. Neither of them were close friends of mine but of course they knew me because of my involvement way back when.

 

 I didn't feel like eating anything because I would have had to muddled through the straights and I just didn't feel like being bothered. I was still very melancholy over Kyle.  I love him so much but I know he doesn't love me as much I love him.

 

 I stayed two hours, which I think was admirable then I left for home.  So ends a very wet and very cool and mild August.. My leg is healed. My crown is in… my back isn't sore anymore and my last year of teaching has begun.

 

I was pissed at Ross Poore, Bill Poore’s brother  so I wrote this on my Face Book page. While many straights have good hearts they just don't get it why we Gays need each other. It's life affirming to us to spend time with people with whom we don't have to filter everything we say or do. We spend our lives coping in a world where we are strangers. I am an old Gay Libber and believe there is a queer spirit consciousnesses that makes us who we are... it makes us outliers in the heterosexual normative... if you aren't embracing us you are simply tolerating us...I know there are a growing number of people with whom we don't have to filter everything for but it’s a minority... love me or leave me little lamb There I said it...

 

September

1 September 2014 Monday Labor Day

I mowed the front and back yards but that’s about all the yard work I got done today but that was a big deal. I wanted to weed whack but the spool that Michael Romero brought for an extra doesn't fit. I went down to Sutherlands to see if they had one but they didn't carry Black and Decker so maybe after school tomorrow I will swing by Lowes in Bountiful or sometime this week.  I know I won't do any more yard work until this weekend.

 

I sent Kyle Foote $150 even though he said he only needed $120 to pay his fine but I didn't want him to use up all his money.

 

Charles Frost texted me a little about going to Jerry Buie's wedding last Saturday and said Dayne Law seemed like a sad man.  I texted him back some stuff I've been doing or hearing.

 

It was a beautiful first day of September and I suppose Summer is truly over because it sure feels like fall. It's 75 degrees.

 

I did go grocery shopping for lunches this week and get some chicken for the dogs and that and taking the dogs for a ride is about the only time I left the house. Worked on some Mormon Stuff especially Jacob Cochran's influence on Spiritual wifery in Nauvoo.

 

Hadn't eaten much today although I made pancakes and a sausage patty for breakfast…Didn't eat anything but some salami slices for lunch. Not sure what to have for dinner. Maybe a bowl of cereal.

 

So here is September the 9th month of the year.

 

I dropped Ross Poore as a Face book friend. He's Bill's bossy older brother.  I did not appreciate him guilt tripping Bill from things I post on my page.

 

2 September 2014 Tuesday

Back to work but at least we now have our prep time to actually plan for the week.

 

 My family was at the lower end of middle class...my parents never graduated from high school...mom married at 16...almost all my relatives were blue collar wage earners...if it wasn't for California Democrats I would never have been able to go to college... Professional careers or owning your own business were foreign concepts....earn a wage...stay above poverty make enough to pay your bills... And always, always work... I got one scholarship in my life...$100 from a woman's civic club... If I had white privilege I didn't know it.... And being Gay I lost any male privilege...but I had citizenship, a poor grasp of the native language, my skin is white in a racist society, and I am perceived male until I open my mouth, and my parents gave me a stable home... But I think more than any of these I had the privilege of being loved by my parents... That I think really helped me succeed more than any other attribute. (And I don't do drugs [laughing out loud])

 

3 September 2014 Wednesday

We had a faculty meeting this morning at 7:45 and would have been done by 8:15 if Celeste Harding would not have drone on and on about this class on making change in our lives I guess she had to teach us.  The only change I am interested in is going from teaching to retiring.

 

4 September 2014 Thursday

The only thing in the news and all over Face book is the death of Joan Rivers. She was a trooper right up to the end I guess.

 

Charles Frost called me this evening and we had a lot talk about Levon Mirakyan then about other things in our lives. He got a hold of Levon and I guess he is leaving on the 9th for Texas…so I guess that will be a closure for me and a new beginning for him.

 

I guess Charles is leaving the Ogden group he was hired for last year. He said it’s really dysfunctional and there's probably about 47,000 dollars embezzled up there.  He sounded tired and discouraged because at his age it’s hard to bounce back into a high paying job especially when most of his resume for the past few years has been in the Gay community.  So here he's going into the fall looking for another job…

 

He is doing Dottie Dixon twice this month for Babs Delay's 60th Birthday Bash this weekend and I guess he is doing a fund raiser for Sim Gill also as Dottie.

 

I was tired tonight. Had to work on a Math Test and Vocabulary Quiz for tomorrow because I ran out of time at school.

 

5 September 2014 Friday

Buddy woke me up at 5 this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep… the snot.  Well the 2nd week of school is over and things seem to be falling into place. I stayed until 4:15 in the afternoon then went over to Lowe's to buy some weed whacker string and I bought some dog shampoo at Petco.

 

6 September 2014 Saturday

Everyone is out and about at Comic Con, the Greek Fair, Farmers Market, and the State Fair. It was a beautiful day but I am happy to be home...

 

I soaked in the hot tub after having some pizza and researching Joseph Smith's connection with William Morgan the Mason and Jacob Cochran the polygamist[lots of laughter].

 

Bill Poore said he met with Dayne Law and discussed him working with the kids at the Pride Center. He said that Jimmy Lee would call him as he deals with the volunteers.  Bill also had talked to Jimmy briefly at the SAGE BQ, and that was the last time he heard from Dayne and Jimmy. Bill added :”This is what has happened every time I have reached out with the Center.  I must of freaked Jimmy out or scared Dayne.  I must be a freak or something and not to be trusted with the kids......I am done with any effort to volunteer with the Center.”  I said, “-Join the club ... And it is not you... They are so dysfunctional and not Gay by any standard we are used to.”

 

Bill continued saying, “With Jimmy I got from him a big ego, enhanced by his perception  of his position at the Center and making me pretty unimportant and can be dealt with when he is ready.....I think he is under the delusion that they are doing me a big favor not the other way around.  He was a big Asian faggot.”  I wrote that Jimmy stuck me with Chuck Whyte all night at the SAGE BBQ  so he didn't have to deal with him and Chuck wasn't even supposed to be working anything.”

 

Bill felt “I honestly believe I was dismissed by him because I was fat and old, not someone that the kids would relate to.”  The I remarked that “as age phobic the center is they probably wouldn't ... We are all old trolls you know.”

 

Bill said “That is totally the impression I got from Jimmy. I had nothing at my age to offer this young progressive team, so no phone call from them.  I will send a message to Dayne in a few days and tell him what I thought of Jimmy. I was thrown under the bus, totally marginalized. Fuck the little queer fagot.” I told Bill to tell him you don't appreciate being marginalized as a Senior Gay  man [laughing out loud]. Bill responded, “Well I believe I was....and I intend to tell Dayne. that.”

 

7 September 2014 Sunday

Three hours of yard work, mostly weed whacking, and I managed not to lose a foot or a hand. Although I went through 3 spools of twine... I worked from 11 to 2 in the afternoon until I ran out of twine which surprised me but I had to get a lot of weeds within rocks.

 

 It was warmer today and I was really tired but Levon Mirakyan called me about 3 and asked if I wanted to go out and get some lunch since he was leaving for sure on Tuesday. I said I would because I wanted to see him one more time.

 

So I took my Armenian ward out to lunch for the last time at Applebee’s at the Gateway. He groused about where he was living and I could tell he was ready to leave this place. I bought lunch because I told him that this will be my last time I will get to.

 

He's moving on to new adventures in Texas, Dallas area. He's 24 and has great graphing design skills and his work permit... Still seeking asylum...courts haven't even dealt with his case for over a year and a half... But he will be fine... Told him to be good and I teared up as we were saying our good byes...I hate goodbyes

 

8 September 2014 Monday

Muggy in Bountiful. I was sweating a lot this morning when usually you never break a sweat in Utah.  I called Charles tonight to break the ice and asked him how Babs Delay's 60th Birthday Roast went. I guess only about 100 people showed and her partner Bella was expecting 200.  I think he was a little pissed to that Bella asked him to perform as Dottie Dixon for free because of their friendship when they paid all these other people to perform.  I guess he will be done with the Ogden Outreach group by the end of September.

 

 

9 September 2014 Tuesday

Driving to Bountiful the streets are like rivers and it's down pouring while I sit in my car in my schools parking lot waiting for the down pour to end... I have an umbrella but there's like an inch on water on the ground ... I don't want soggy shoes all day [laughing out loud].

 

I learned later Bountiful got over an inch of rain.  We didn't get that much out by the airport.  I guess the rain was horrendous in Las Vegas shutting down I-15 between Vegas ad St. George.  It seemed to clear up by the afternoon.

 

I have been so tired lately.  Not sleeping that well at night. Levon Mirakyan texted me at about 3:00 p.m. and said, "goodbye Dear Ben". So Levon left for Texas, endings and new beginnings.  I will miss him. I will.

 

I just had some more left over pizza for supper and went to bed about 7 rather than type anything. I watched a little of Big Brother, my guilty pleasure" when Charles Frost called.

 

I am not sure what to make of his call. He said he wanted to warn me about what he had heard about Kyle Daniels that he plays around with lots of older Gay men…I didn't say anything but just said thanks… like I didn't know Kyle was playing around. Why shouldn't he?  He's 29. But I am not sure why Charles would tell me that. It kind of poisoned the well for me.

 

Then he tells me about how Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson are feuding with Derek Kitchens and Moudi over who’s getting the most publicity over the Gay marriage deal.  Lot of gossips that is just negative.

 

10 September 2014 Wednesday

You know you forgot to take your insulin when you have really crazy ass dreams all involving everything from being in WW II attacked by the Japanese, trapped in a maze like mall, walking with old friends from the 1980s explains why there's no community any more, being at mountain lake that is receding because of drought all while trying to find urinals and then waking up every few hours to get up and pee [laughing out loud]....life of a diabetic

 

11 September 2014 Thursday

My student hadn’t even been born when the attack on America took place 13 years ago. Now it’s the Republicans who are terrorists. Republicans just said Fuck You ...middle class...  failing to vote to overturn Citizen United.

 

 School is whipping my ass ... Brand new reading curriculum I have to implement ... Create all these lessons and learning centers and by the time I am trained I will be gone... Come home just exhausted. It will get better ...trying to figure out how to teach this Spanish boy who doesn't speak a word of English... I create these great lessons and then at the end of the week I throw them away...at least I can soak in a hot tub.

 

Kyle’s letter: Dear Ben, I really needed your last visit. I had been in a dark place and was struggling, but seeing you helped to bring me out of it. This can be such a negative environment that when I find myself sliding into despair that it’s hard to drag myself out. Overall I’ve been fortunate to have been as positive as I have in the face of such difficulty, but the strength to stay upbeat has really come from your enduring love and support.

 

I often feel unworthy to have a friend such as you, but I’m so grateful you have stayed by my side through everything. I know that any good I do in the future will be because you were there to see me through my struggles and help me overcome my demons. Your love, support and friendship has been invaluable to me and I hope someday to be able to pay forward what you have done for me.

 

I found out the Tuesday after your visit that I had in fact been suspended from working in education because of my write-up. I can re-apply in 60 days as I will. I was bummed about it, but it’s out of my hands so I’ll take my lumps and move on.

 

I got the money you put on my books, my caseworker said it can take up to 30 days for the fine to be removed by the accounting people so I just will hold off on spending any money until the fine is taken off.

 

I enclosed a copy of my write up for your enjoyment. Thank you for helping me pay the fine.

 

I’m happy to report that the library finally got in copies of books 2 and 3 of the North and South Trilogy. I checked out both and I’m already about a third of the way through. Love and War. The library collection is slowly growing back to its original size, it’s about 2/3 of the way there. I can’t imagine how expensive it has been to re-buy all the books they had to throw away.

 

 I got an issue of the  Q in the mail yesterday-it had your article on Sodomy in the City of Joseph so Michael must have figured out whatever he needed to get me a copy. I’ve had plenty of time to read since losing the education job. I’ve signed up for a bunch of classes to help fill the time too until I can re-apply.

 

Well I’ll close for here, sorry the letter’s so short but know that I think about you often and I’m grateful every day to be able to call you my dearest friend. Love Kyle.

 

12 September 2014 Friday

Hmmm I just figured out that no one has come to visit me in 40 days as of today...not since Bill Poore came over at the first of August to put together my weed whacker. I live 3 and a half miles from down town but I might as well live out of state.

 

Some dumbass teacher shot herself in some elementary school in South Jordan ha! It’s legal to carry a concealed weapon in school as long as you have a permit. Maybe the fucking state legislators think shooting students accidently by teachers is the only way you are going to reduce classroom size in Utah.... Utah is a pretty sick place when teachers can bring guns to school but people can't bring them to church.... Too bad that teacher who accidentally shot herself in the faculty bathroom didn't kill herself then may be people would call for gun control... Then maybe a real discussion of the appropriateness of guns in school might be addressed by our idiot Mormon legislators.

 

Today is my oldest living cousins birthday. Frances Ann Williams Griess turned 69 today. My oldest cousin was John Johnson born at the first of September 1945 but he passed away many years ago. I am the only boy left. Greg Williams died in October 1985, Larry Fagen died in 1999, John Johnson died I think in 2005, and Gary Williams died I think in 2012. All my girl cousins are still here. Frances Griess Ann, Marilyn Stevens, Terrie Williams, Kay Johnson Campbell, and Stephanie Williams.

 

13 September 2014 Saturday

It’s a pretty day, bright skies, not too warm and about 75 degrees only. I worked on my Dark History until about 11:00 when I headed over to the 1st Baptist to meet up with Mark Lawrence.

 

The Restore Our Humanity are making a bunch of short parodies of Utah’s governor and attorney general and Mark asked if I’d be in one. He said he wanted some recognizable people from the community so I went because all I had to do was pretend to sleep and snore. That is about my acting range.

 

Becky Moss was there playing a Constitutional professor.  This high school kid named Panda played Montee and Gean is the substitutes for the Gov & AG.  I had Bill Poore come over to meet Mark because of his connections with the University’s theater department.

 

The director was this kid named Spencer but I wasn’t introduced to the camera guy. Jandy Stelter from the Utah Stonewall Democrats played the part of a concerned citizen.  It was fun watching them make all the scene directions. I guess it’s all part of a fund raising effort.

 

Afterwards Bill and I went to lunch at the Smiths on 8th South and had some quick Chinese Food there. The 9th and 9th Area was having their street fair and a lot of the streets were closed off. 

 

Bill told me how he is really enjoying his small acting class he’s teaching but said he’s only going to teach one class next Spring Term.

 

From there we went over to see Charles Frost. He’s doing a benefit for  Sim Gill tomorrow as a fundraiser for his campaign and he’s performing as Dottie Dixon. He needed some Mormon jeopardy type questions so I gave him a bunch. We had a nice visit and gave him some tomatoes and squash from the garden.

 

The rest of the evening I spent home kind of tired. I made Taco Soup and cornbread. It’s been a while since I have actually cooked anything.

 

I heard that ISIS beheaded another westerner this one from Great Britain.  I hope they hang the lot of them as War Criminals.

 

14 September 2014 Sunday

Up several times peeing during the night. Whenever that happens its usually an indication that my insulin is out of whack so I took an extra dose at 1:30 in the morning That seemed to helped.

 

15 September 2014 Monday

Well that was interesting. Watching out my front bay window I viewed 10 Pacific Islanders try to lift a cotton wood stump that I am sure weighed a thousand pounds onto a trailer to haul away. Lots of grunting and hollering but 20 minutes later it was being hauled away. The 40 foot tree had been cut down two weeks ago but the stump had a diameter of 4 feet and had to be dug out. The tree roots had actually lifted the sidewalk. It was a tree that blew in from a seed 17 years ago. These people are the 3rd set of people to live in that house. I've out lasted everyone in this neighborhood which I moved into new 18 years ago this October. My roots here are deeper than that tree.

 

James Dabakis commented, “Ben could write 10 pages on paint drying or Mitt Romney and I would be glued. What a great writer.” Brandon Burt agreed: “Yay, James! You took the words out of my mouth. Ben is a wordsmith, no doubt about it.”

 

16 September 2014  Tuesday

My Buddy alarm clock didn't go off at 6... He almost always starts barking for me to get up and give him his hot dog treat but not today. All the hounds slept in past 630 ...

 

It must be political season. I dreamed I was at a Washington DC house party when this guy saw my rainbow ring and asked if I was Gay. I said yes and he said he was too and since we were the only Gays there we started making out...hey isn't that what Gays are supposed to do?

 

When I came home from work I saw that I had an email from Michael Aaron saying, “A gig!” about someone wanting to get a hold of me. “Hi Michael, We are interested in having Ben Williams moderate a discussion for “The Dog” screening in Ogden. Do you happen to have his contact information? Thanks much, Dana R. Hernandez PR & Communications Coordinator | Utah Film Center”.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote a letter: Dear Kyle, I got your letter from Sept. 11 yesterday so I thought I’d set down and write you a letter.  I hope you are feeling peppier than last time you wrote. Your “write up” was a minor bump in the road to recovery.  Don’t dwell on it. It’s over, it’s paid for and as you said there isn’t much you can do about it now except be more vigilant on watching out for infractions. Don’t beat yourself up over it. None of us are perfect.

 

I am glad you have new books to read; that will help the time pass. I hope you are taking advantage of exercise to get the endorphins surging to knock out that depression. Hopefully your caseworker can help with the times you are depressed. It doesn’t seem possible; but one day this all will be a distant memory.

 

If this has taught you anything it’s that we are not always the final say in our destiny and there are severe consequences for poor choices that we make that harmed others and ourselves.  Life can be pretty rough even when you are doing everything right. I don’t think life teaches us lesson but rather we can chose to learn lessons from life.

 

I do appreciate your letters short or long. I think maybe you need to be writing more if not to me but then for yourself to hone your thoughts and help make the time pass.  It doesn’t have to be wasted time. I know you could write a book.

 

If you need anything let me know and I will put more money in your account. I sent $150 and you said you had $30 so maybe you have enough for some treats for yourself.

 

I am going on 4 weeks of school already. See time does pass by. Halloween will be the end of my 1st Term.  I am finally getting a handle on this year but it was pretty rough for a while and school was whipping my butt. I was staying late, going in on Saturdays just to catch up with the new reading program and going back into 5th grade.

 

Friday we will start the “I Can Do Dance” program. It’s been four years now since I had your nephew Morgan in my class. That is hard to believe too.

 

Nothing going on much with me these days now that is school is up and running. I looked in my journal and it’s been over 30 days since anyone has come over to the house to visit.  I have been out and about a little but I guess I am too far away for people to drop by to visit.

 

So I come home and just write on my research on the sexual escapades of the Mormons in Nauvoo. Ha!  Not the rank and file …they had no idea all the shit that was going on and just kept believing the only reason they were persecuted was because the gospel is true…not because Joseph Smith tried to set up a religious dictatorship on the Mississippi River frontier. Oh well it’s fun to research although it won’t make a bit of difference to true believing Mormons or even Jack Mormons for that difference.

 

Provo is holding their 2nd Pride Day this Saturday. Chuck Whyte wants to go this year. I went last year so I may take him and Bill Poore down with me and then maybe take a drive to see the leaves that are turning.

 

Hard to believe next weekend is the last of summer. It’s been an okay summer but it’s going out with a vengeance because today it was 95 in Salt Lake City, hottest day since last July.

 

Last Saturday I had a bit part in a parody that Restore Our Humanity is doing on Herbert and Reyes. Mark Lawrence asked me to play a part because he wanted recognizable people from the community in it. Becky Moss was in it too.  There are going to be a series of them as fund raisers. I had the difficult part of pretending I was sleeping in a class on constitutional law that supposedly Herbert hired me to take his place as a joke… this is why Herbert and Reyes has no experience with Constitutional Law.[laughing out loud]  I

 

it was interesting watching the director film different scenes to be spliced together later.  Becky played the Constitutional Law Professor. They want me to be a zombie in another episode but I don’t know. I don’t think I am ready for my close up Mr. DeMille.

 

I guess Utah is in the forefront of being chosen to be heard by the Supreme Court on Marriage Equality. They will decide on September 29 if they will put it on the Docket. I am not all that involve in the community anymore. My history lecture series will be my last hurrah.

 

Realized from being on the Board of Sage that none of them knew who I was and I thought that was revealing how much times have changed.

 

I think I told you that the Metro moved to the old Trapp Door and that Joe Redburn had sold the Trapp. I am glad you are getting the Q again. Both Charles and I are getting tired of writing for it. He said he didn’t know how I did it for 10 years with most of those years being two columns a month.

 

I think we are also a little miffed that Michael Aaron gives away tickets to events he receives without asking us first if we wanted them since we write for free. I think especially me because I am the longest last associate that he has. Oh Well.

 

I never hear anything out of the Pride Center anymore with anyone you might have known long gone.  It’s become a tranny therapy center anyway. Dayne Law who was hired as director of LGBT youth programs and Trans programs hates Gay men and so nothing is for young Gay guys. He’s one really disturbed individual anyway.

 

Charles Frost has quit the Ogden Outreach Program. Technically he is being let go so he can collect unemployment but he quit because he said they bait and switched his position from what he was hired for and also because that organization is completely dysfunctional. $48,000 has been embezzled and Charles says no one is interested in getting the police involved.  So he’s feeling pretty low.

 

He’s says at 60 he feels like there’s going to be a lot of age discrimination against him and any company, where there’s the least bit of homophobia, can Google him and see what most of his work has been with.

 

He did a fundraiser benefit for Sim Gill to raise money for his campaign last Sunday. He performed as Dottie Dixon and did a Mormon Jeopardy Question skit. I provided him some questions including “who was the Gay first mayor of Nauvoo” [lots of laughter]

 

Charles said that Seth Anderson and Michael Feuding are feuding with Derek Kitchens and Moudi over who’s getting the most publicity over the Gay marriage deal.  Some lawyer is stirring up shit between them telling Derek and Moudi that Seth and Michael are trying to steal some of their thunder.  [lots of laughter] Kids!

 

Most of the nonprofits are in big trouble. The Utah AIDS Foundation is struggling and I think their AIDS walk this weekend (same day as Provo Pride) is going to be a flop.

 

Utah Equality is hurting, which is probably one of the reasons Brandi left, and they haven’t hired anyone to replace her yet either just sitting on that income saved from not paying an ED salary.

 

I think the younger Gays just aren’t involved anymore or have a sense of community but they are dead wrong if they think their straight friends are going to fight for our causes as much as we will.

 

My Armenian kid left a week ago for Texas.  It was hard to see him go but I know he needed to get away from the situation he was in.  I took him to lunch one more time and hugged him good bye and teared up some. I will probably never see him again. Nothing is as permanent as change.

 

Well I am not sure what more to write. I think by now you know I love you. I have felt connected with you since the first day I saw you at Debbie’s and Carla’s.  I felt like we had been intertwined from long before somewhere. I hope after I am gone you truly will pay it forward & keep the torch of freedom and justice and love burning as you pass it along .

 

Things may come and go, things will fade away, but where ever you go in life and whatever new adventures you have with the people you will meet and love…know that Ben Williams will always loves you from somewhere. You friend for better or worse Ben

 

17 September 2014 Wednesday

My ancestral home is voting for independence Thursday ....Johnson's, McLeods, Pattons, McPhails, Brabhams, Langstons, Kirkland’s, Elrods, Stones, to all my distant cousins good luck whatever you decision is. I wrote Michael Aaron regarding the film center wanting me to be a moderator. I said “What? Why me? Lol I am not a film critic just because I am judgmental ....” Michael wrote back “he he.” I'm not sure. I didn't really even read the email very well, since I was on press. I guess it's because it's about gay/trans life in the 70s”.  So I emailed the people to ask what it was all about and they said someone highly recommended me and the artistic director of the Utah Film Center wanted me to be on a panel at the showing of The Dog at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden tomorrow at 7. I told them I’d be happy to help them and then they said they pay me! I wrote Michael Aaron back “Well they said they will pay me $250 honorarium so I will be there [laughing out loud]” and he said, “Holy hell, that's great!” It was short notice but to make $250 for a little bit of work is crazy the film is based on the real characters from Dog Day Afternoon so wanted my Gay historical perspective  best if all they are paying me! After 29 years I am finally getting paid for my work within the Gay community [laughing out loud] I mean other than being a high price rent boy — feeling So I stayed up late and did my homework on John Wojtowicz and watched The Dog for my participation on a panel for the Film Center at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden.  I think most of my friends are too young to remember him but they may have seen Al Pacino portray him in Dog Day Afternoon. He was an early member of GAA ...pushed for marriage equality in NY in 1971 ... Tried to rob a bank so his "wife" Ernest Aron could get a sex change operation...the bank robbery captivated Americas attention and to many it was Gay Rights run amok...fascinating ...It was the August before my senior year in college 1972... I remember it well.

 

Deb Rosenberg responded to what I had written :”No more amateur hobbyist gay for you! It's honorary Doctor Gay... on a documentary film panel. Impressive.” I replied, “Even more impressive I am being paid [laughing out loud].”

 

Steve Brackenbury wrote: :”This is so cool Ben. I would like to be there to hear you speak. I haven't watched this documentary yet and I am excited to see it. The subject matter is fascinating. If it hadn't really happened, John Waters would have had to make it up and turn it into a movie.”

 

 Chuck Whyte reminded me how much younger he is than me. “Once again you have posted great historical information for others to enjoy, BTW I was in the 8th grade in 1972......[laughing out loud].”

 

Finally Brandon Burt  wrote, “Yes, paid is good. I remember being fascinated by the movie when I was a kid (for some reason my parents allowed me to watch R-rated movies, which explains a lot). But I hadn't realized it was based on a true story.”

 

18 September 2014 Thursday

This morning, Patrick Hubley of the Utah Film Center wrote: Hi Ben, A slight change in plans. I won't be at the screening but Matthew Choberka, Chair and Associate Professor in the Department of Visual Art and Design at Weber State University is going to moderate. He's also the Board Chair of the Shaw Gallery - our partner on this series. My colleague Leslie Means - cc'd here - will be the Utah Film Center rep at the screening. She'll have your honorarium check. Thanks again for agreeing to do this. Kind regards, Patrick.

 

Unfortunately we have another screening tonight at Brewvies that I have to cover. Maybe we can grab a coffee sometime. Would love to talk with you about our LGBT programming. Let's touch base next week to set a time. I think doing a series of "must-see" films would be very interesting. We could plan it as part of our monthly LBGT series at Brewvies.”

 

I got home at 10 in the evening from Ogden which isn’t too bad. I opened the envelope and sure enough there was $250 in it! First time I have ever been paid for my study of Gay history and all from seeing the movie The Dog at the Egyptian Theater and being part of a panel discussion for about 20 minutes. Marilyn Johnson-Faulkner and Tracy L Johnson-Faulkner from Ogden were there as support... I just really love Ogden... It always had a good vibe to me... Maybe because it's really not a Mormon town.

 

            Kevin Scott wrote: “That theater was named as one of the Top 10 Egyptian Theaters in the USA by USA Today a few years ago. It's a jewel in Ogden's crown that most people have never even been inside of. The only thing it has in common with the theater of the same name in Park City is just that, the name.

 

My favorite story was that of what happened during the renovation (Ogden spent millions). They discovered a room downstairs full of pick pocketed purses and wallets, sans money. These dated to the late 1940s and early 1950s. They were able to locate all of the original owners (or their children). But that's how settled Ogden is.”

 

19 September 2014 Friday

Today is Grandpa Johnson’s 113 birthday and his ancestral home of Scotland has voted to stay within the United Kingdom rather than separate and become a separate country after 300 years.

 

I woke up at 4 this morning to some of the loudest thunder I think I ever heard in Utah. A series of sharp booms, like a crack of a whip, shook the house, it wasn’t rolling thunder, more like bombs dropping. This storm sounded angry I guess because two storm fronts collided over Salt Lake against the mountains causing the clash of the Titans early this morning. We were pounded by lightning and thunder one after another and the Power went off at 4 about the same time the rain is commenced.

 

 Lucky was barking at the story. He was so mad and was being ferocious but whimpering at the same time. It really scared him. Of course, Buddy huddled by my side and Daisy on the other of me panting up a storm ... No sleeping after that.

 

A little after 6 I checked my cell phone and I found matches and lit my old fashion kerosene chimney lamp for light and I was worried about my garage door unlatching from not having power to the garage opener. However the Power came on at 6:30 thank goodness as I was just getting ready to shower. Around 3000 people in the 84116 zip code were without power including me and they counted over 800 lightning strikes over Salt Lake City within a 1/2 hour from 4 in the morning to 4:30 in the morning.

 

  After that initial storm it cleared up and was a pretty day and up into the 80’s. We started Ballet West’s  “I CAN Do” Dance today finally and that frees up my morning to get grades in and ready to print out missing assignments. But still Fridays are busy.

 

I had to attend an hour meeting on how to get into the testing sites of the new reading program so that took up much of my afternoon that I could have used making lesson plans.

 

After work I deposited the $250 check from the Film Center, took Coco home, filled up with gas for tomorrow, and fixed chicken gizzards for the hounds for dinner. I was pooped and didn’t get to really rest until nearly 7 when I watched Big Brother.

 

Next week they will decide who wins. I’ve really enjoyed it this season except for Frankie Grande who played Gay way over the top. No one is that Gay [lots of laughter].

 

Anyway checking my email I see that I got a notice from VINE about Kyle:  “This e-mail is to inform you that Warren Foote has been transferred from Utah Department of Corrections to the Utah State Prison. The transfer took place on 9/19/2014.  Your registration with VINE has also been transferred.  You will continue to receive updates about this offender. For more information, contact the Utah Department of Corrections' Office of Victim Services.  The telephone number is (801) 545-5658. This notification is sponsored by your local law enforcement and the State of Utah.  It is our hope that this information has been helpful to you. Thank you, The VINE Service.”

 

So I am not sure what all this means except that he’s no longer at Gunnison and I am hoping he’s at Draper and not some county jail. I guess all the text books I bought him, however, will stay in the Gunnison prison library. I am very anxious for him.

 

23 September 2014 Tuesday

It’s the first full day of Fall and I am still waking up to dreams about school. This time I was teaching the kids how to water color.

 

I got a new student today. This black kid from Salt Lake but he seems pretty sharp in math so now I am back up to 20 which is a good round number. I am still dragging at school and doubt if I will ever be on top of things this year.

 

We are quickly losing the Republic and becoming a Corporate Empire with perpetual wars to protect their global interests ... If ISIS is an immediate threat to the Middle East why isn't Turkey, Jordan, Iraq, Saudi Arabia begging us to help them instead of us begging them to join us?

 

I called the prison and found out that Kyle is indeed at Draper in the oldest part of the prison called Wasatch that was moved over from Sugar House in 1951. It’s like an old fashion tiered prison unit. 

 

I found out that I was still on his visitation list but Wasatch is under lock down until after tomorrow. When I got home from school I was surprised to get a letter from Kyle. It was a long letter. Six hand written pages. He was pretty bummed about being relocated and losing all his stuff.  I wrote him back.

 

Dear Kyle, I got your letter dated the 21st in today’s mail. Yes, I was informed by Vine of your transfer from Gunnison last Friday the 19th.  I was quite surprised and worried. I couldn’t figure out from the simple message what was going on, and over the weekend I wasn’t able to contact anyone. I was mostly worried that I’d have to reapply for visitation rights but when I called this morning they said I was still on the visitation list but that Wasatch was on lock down until after tomorrow.  I will check again Wednesday and see if the lock down is lifted. So I can make plans to come down as soon as I can.

 

I don’t think I will be able to make it down until Saturday though, because the Prison Main Office closes at 5 but somewhere on the visitation site it says some visitations are in the evening.

 

Draper is all new to me. I will call the prison and see when I can come down. I wrote you a long letter on the 16th in reply to your September 11 letter. I don’t know if you ever got it before they moved you. I would think they would forward it but I know how bureaucracies can be like. I don’t know yet how to get your magazines forwarded to you but I will figure it out.  I hope they transferred your funds and that you got a deposit back on your TV so you can have another one when things settled down. We will figure it out together.

 

I am sorry you weren’t able to take the new clothes that you just bought and I guess the text books I bought you will just be a donation to Gunnison.  Well things are just things. As long as you are well, that is all that matters to me.

 

My grandma Johnson said every move is like a fire and I guess in this case that applies. I am so disappointed however that they moved you when you seemed to have been getting better at Gunnison. But everything is temporary. Everything changes. This too shall pass. You have to trust in your own strength and conviction.  Be a willow not an oak. Bend in every direction the wind blows.  You will get through this…even if it’s sometimes just minute by minute. Don’t let your circumstances beat you down. Take every opportunity to be amazed by your surroundings even if it’s simply writing prison house graffiti down. 

 

This isn’t going to be a long letter. It’s just a quick note to let you know that I am aware of where you are and that it doesn’t matter where you land. I will find a way to see and be with you one way or another or I will write really long letters that you can draw comfort from, long after any visit might be over.

 

So I am saving up any news for a long visit with you hopefully this weekend if not sooner.  As long as you are at Draper I will take advantage of us being so close. We are only 23 miles away and we can see the same mountains and sunsets.

 

I love you Kyle Foote. Always have. Always will. No matter how we fucked up. Don’t give up on the life you have ahead of you. There are friends and lovers in your future who are waiting for you to arrive.  Promise me you will stay well physically, emotionally, mentally.  Remember we are Gay men. We can endure anything this old life throws at all. We always have and we always will.  Love for better or worse your friend Ben

 

24 September 2014  Wednesday

Dear Kyle, I got two letter from you today one from the 18th from Gunnison and one from the 22nd from Draper. It seems at least your letters from Draper reach me a lot faster than the ones from Gunnison by at least four days! 

 

I wrote you yesterday in case these letters get mixed up in the mail.  I called the prison today and was disappointed that they said you can’t have visitors again until you are out of the temporary housing in Wasatch. I really wanted to see you again this week or weekend. The officer I talked to said to call back next Monday to see where you have been placed so there you go… prison bureaucracy again. The guy said that you might even go back to Gunnison …not that he knew anything.

 

He asked me why you got transferred and I said I had no idea. So I guess I will write to you every day so you can have something to read at least and take you mind off your anxieties.  No sense worrying about what may happen and making yourself sick.  We will deal with it as it happens. You are not alone in this world.

 

 I am hoping they keep you at Draper but certainly away from Wasatch even though I hear it had a family research center.

 

Well I guess I will just ramble and catch you up with what is going with me and the community since I last wrote you on the 16th. You may never have gotten it if you were moved on the 19th.  Let me know if you never get it and I will resend it to you.

 

I guess you heard that the split between Scotland and Great Britain failed. Probably a good thing. Scotland is more my ancestral home then most anywhere else especially on my mother’s side…so I have a soft spot for kilts. Bagpipes, and thistles.

 

Last Tuesday I got an email from Michael Aaron saying that this Film Center wanted to get a hold of me to make comments about a film they were showing. I wrote Michael Aaron back and said “Why me? Lol I am not a film critic just because I am judgmental ass.” He said he wasn’t sure but from what he gathered it was about some independent film about gay/trans life in the 70s.

 

I wasn’t so keen on talking about Trannies but I emailed the people back to find out more about the project. They said someone had highly recommended me as a Gay historian and the artistic director of the Utah Film Center said he wanted me to be on a panel at the premier showing of “The Dog” at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden.

 

Well I am a girl that just can’t say no, so I said I’d be happy to help out even though it was going to be on a school night at 7 in Ogden!  Then they said they’d pay me an honorarium of $250!!!! I have NEVER been paid for any of the work and service I had done before! After 29 years I was finally getting paid for my work within the Gay community. [laughing out loud] I mean other than being a high price rent boy.

 

I wrote Michael Aaron back and said, “Well they said they would pay me $250 honorarium so I will be there [laughing out loud]” and he said, “Holy hell, that's great!”

 

It was on very short notice but to make $250 for a little bit of work is crazy, how could I turn that down. Found out the film is based on the real life characters from the movie “Dog Day Afternoon” and I was wanted for my Gay historical perspective.

 

 Wednesday  I stayed up late and did my homework on who John Wojtowicz was and watched a copy of The Dog for my participation on a panel for the Film Center at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden.  I don’t know if you ever saw Dog Day Afternoon.  Al Pacino portrays Wojtowicz who was an early member of the Gay Activist Alliance in New York.  Wojtowicz pushed for marriage equality in NY in 1971 and then tried to rob a Chase Manhattan bank so his "wife" Ernest Aron could get a sex change operation. The bank robbery was botched and the standoff between the robbers who held hostages and cops lasted 14 hours and captivated Americas attention in August 1972. To many it was Gay Rights run amok . I was just beginning my senior year in college 1972 and I remember it well.

 

So on Thursday after work I drove up to Ogden did my thing and I got home at 10 in the evening from Ogden a little before you got your bad news about your impending move. I received a check for $250 for watching a movie and being part of a panel discussion for about 20 minutes. And that was that.

 

I just really love Ogden... It always had a good vibe to me... Maybe because it's really not a Mormon town.

 

I guess I did a good enough job that Patrick Hubley director of the film center wants to meet with me sometime on doing a series of "must-see" Gay films would as part of their monthly Gay series at Brewvies.

 

Friday morning I woke up at 4 in the morning to some of the loudest thunder claps I think I have ever heard in Utah. It was a series of sharp booms, like a crack of a whip, and really shook the house. It wasn’t a rolling thunder, but more like bombs dropping. This storm sounded angry. Everyone was commenting on it.  I guess two storm fronts collided over Salt Lake against the mountains causing the clash of the Titans.  We were pounded by over 800 lightning strikes in less than a half an hour. One struck a transformer by the Guadalupe Church on 3rd North and 6th West which made the power go off at 4 am about the same time rain is commenced.

 

Lucky was on the back porch barking at the story. He was so mad and was being really ferocious but the when the thunder boomed he came running in whimpering.   It really scared him. Of course, Buddy and Daisy huddled by my side panting up a storm so there was no sleeping after that.

 

I kept checking my cell phone and a little after six I got up in the dark. I found some matches and lit my old fashion kerosene chimney lamp which gave me some light but I was worried that my garage door might not unlatching from not having power to the garage opener. However the Power came on at 6:30 thank goodness as I was just getting ready to shower. Around 3,000 people in the 84116 zip code were without power including me.

 

As I was working on some research Friday night, that was when I was notified that you had been transferred.

 

Saturday the 20th, the last weekend of summer and I took a jaunt with Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte down to dreaded Utah County to support the good folks putting on the 2nd annual Provo Gay Pride Day.  As I drove by Draper Prison I waved to you and thought of you and wanted really bad to stop and see you but what we want is not always what we get.

 

It was smoggy in the Utah County valley and the traffic was insane due to a BYU game. Mindless BYU zombies marching lockstep to Lavell Edwards stadium.

 

Provo Pride was still small but growing. I went last year and this is only their second event. I didn't see a whole lot of Salt Lake City County people down there like last year but I didn’t stay very long either. We only stayed about an hour and a half and that was plenty.

 

Walking around I passed the Affirmation booth when this cute young man asked me if I knew anything about Affirmation and I smiled and said Well I should since I helped start the Wasatch Affirmation in 1986. He was surprised when I told him we use to get up to 70 people attending.

 

Then later at the BYU “SSA” group I overheard these kids telling this woman how BYU is changing and all so I piped right up and I said, “they certainly have, because they aren't electro shocking the shit out of Gays like they did when I was there”.

 

I should not be allowed in Utah County because I just want to rip the place apart. It still haunts me that where they hold Gay Pride in Provo is just yards from where I was living in 1976 when Larry Copenhagen came to my apartment to tell me he swallowed a bottle of pills because standards had pulled him. I was 25 and no one should ever have to go through that.  I know that is why I was such an activist back in the 80’s to fight that this would not happen to others.

 

Fortunately we left Provo before I could really get pissed and drove up Provo Canyon then over to Kamas to look at the changing colors. It was pretty but they still hadn’t changed much.  for lunch which Bill treated... We made it safely back to the protective arms of Salt Lake City. In Salt Lake City there was  so much going on with the Utah AIDS Walk and other stuff so it was crazy.

 

September 21st Sunday was a very rainy day here. I am not sure if it rained in Draper but it poured here. I am sure that didn’t help your feeling of melancholy and being forlorn.

 

I have a stuffy nose that I nursed all day so it wouldn’t turn into a cold.  I had  plans to go to some Lesbian friend’s wedding celebration in Sugar House Park but since it was down pouring here, and I  wasn't sure what it would be there I stayed home and I made a huge crock of corn chowder, snuggled with hounds in bed and watched movies. You would not have liked it because I put onions in it. [lots of laughter]

 

The weather was crazy going from 95 on Wednesday to 65 on Sunday.   I guess when it rains look for rainbows and when it’s dark look for stars.

 

So summer is over and Monday was the first day of Fall and I am still waking up to dreams about school. I am still dragging at school and doubt if I will ever be on top of things this year.

 

When I called the prison that is when I found out you were at Wasatch the oldest part of the prison. It was moved from Sugar House in 1951. The best news I heard that day was that I was still on your visiting list and the worse was that Wasatch is under lock down.

 

 I want to get this in the mail for the 6 in the evening pick up so I will close for now.  Try to stay positive. It will get better. Things always go in cycles.  Love Ben

 

25 September 2014 Thursday

It was 93 degrees today and in the parking lot by my school it registered 100... May I remind Mother Nature that it's fall? Made a batch of Chili Verde this evening to send with Michael Romero off to Rawlins to seeing his dying sister and then sat down at the computer and wrote another to a friend who in a bad way and who needs to know someone who cares about him. I also need to thank the SAGE board for honoring me.

 

“Dear Kyle, I got your letter in the mail today from Tuesday the 22nd.  I know you are not in a good space with your mental health right now. How could you be? You seem panicky and the your letters sound like back when you first wrote me in 2011 when you first arrested and sent to jail and you were so hurt and devastated that everything you knew and loved and had been taken from you.

 

I think them taking Gunnison away from you, however little security it provided you, has frightened you.  However I know you, and I want you to know that no one can take away your intellect, your strength, and your peace unless you let them.  You still have you. You still are Kyle and while the entire world around you has crashed down, you’re still that character, deep inside, who is strong and resilient. Let this be your mantra. “This too shall pass.” Because it will. It truly will.

 

You will not be locked up forever.  This trauma you are going through now is just part of your journey towards the man you want to be when you are out. I know it’s hard to deal with the fact that so much of this was self-inflicted. But now you know how all those thing you thought would make you happy were ephemeral, having no substance at all. They were illusions.

 

Even where you are right now is not the real you. A prison cannot hold your mind.  And it cannot keep my love away from you.

 

I truly don’t know how to advise you on your decision to resist transport. You seem to know better the pros and cons of your situation.  On one hand I don’t want to see you punished anymore.  However on the other hand I can understand how the need to take control of some part of your life is important towards your mental health.  By making this decision for yourself it will seem like you have a little control back in your life, when everything else is spinning out of control around you.  It is important for one’s wellbeing to feel like there is order and consistency in a world in which chaos seems to reign.

 

Your world is chaos now, my dearest friend, and there is little you can do about that except acknowledge it and turn it over to universe and make peace with it. In this world there is suffering. There is incredible joy but there’s also incredible suffering. Perhaps this jolt in your life is just some of the punitive crap you have to go through to make amends for the deeds that placed you in prison in the first place.

 

Prison is for rehabilitation but it’s also to penalize. But prison is just a bump in the road of your life. Yes a really big bump that has flattened tires, broken an axel but nothing that you can’t repair but has made you re-examine the road you were on.

 

You cannot see the amazing future you have before you when you are older and ready to be character driven. But I can. Having been past that signpost many years ago, I can look back and say you now are on the right path.

 

There’s an old gospel song my grandpa in Texas use to sing all the time when I was a kid. I know he lived his life by it and I’ve tried to live mine too by it even if no one knows that about me.

 

“Each day I’ll do a Golden Deed To help someone who is in need My life on earth is but a span so I must do the best I can Life evening sun is sinking low a few more days and I must go To meet the deeds that I have done Where there will be no setting sun.”

 

Do not let this experience in prison harden your heart no matter how it may feel like it is broken or bruised beyond repair. You are made of sterner stuff.  I know we are put on this earth to bind up the broken hearted and liberate the captives.  And while I can’t physically liberate you my friend,  I can, and hopefully I do, help liberate your beautiful queer spirit.

 

I know you are an atheist and I am a deist but I do believe in a purpose and a reason for all things and I know there is because love is real and yet intangible yet binds us together greater than all the electrons, protons, and neutrons which are only parts of our sum.   

 

I wish I had words of comfort. I wish I could hold you and take away your fears. I cannot do that because powers greater than ourselves seem determined in keeping us apart.  But they will give up and I will endure.

 

I don’t know if you even remember, because your life was spinning so out of control, that on your 32nd birthday at Chili’s on 4th South I said I wanted to adopt you. I wanted you forever to be part of a family.  I have never forgotten that.  I never will.  I will always consider you a part of my Gay family which for us is stronger than flesh and blood.

 

Que Sera Sera the future’s not ours to see.  I will support you in whatever decision you make. If they keep you at Draper but won’t let me see you for months, they can’t keep me from thinking of you or writing you or helping you with things you want to make the time pass and more bearable for you.

 

I miss you very much Kyle. I wish I could visit you every day and see the face I cherish but “que sera sera” as the old song says. What will be will be.

 

 I would like to know that through all this tribulation you are smiling and thinking of better days to come and good memories of days gone by.  I will write again soon and I hope we both have some good news to share. For better or worse your friend Ben

 

26 September 2014 Friday

Okay here's my rant. I think the Gay community is dead. I don't think it exists anymore. A once a year "pride celebration" is not a community. All we have today is "LGBT issues" but no sense of community. That's gone. It left when we allowed straight people, who do not know us, do not know our history, were never part of our struggle, take positions of authority and power over us. All they see are "issues" because they aren't us.

 

It makes me furious when I hear of people on boards arrogantly questioning long time influential Gay members, of what was once our community, "what you have done for the Gay community?" If they don't know then, get the fuck off our boards until you educate yourselves. If people on certain boards can't even distinguish between Sim Gill and Steven Nelson then their heads should be on platters.

 

If pandering to Republicans is thought to be okay because it helps advance the "issues"...I then say fuck you. They killed my people just as much as if they put a gun to their heads.

 

These people don't know the Gay base because they are not of the base. They provide services for the Gay youth without allowing Gay Youth to serve. They don't want to know our base. They only want to attend banquet after banquet and then think they know us because they can slap down a couple of Ben Franklins.

 

I want my community back, back it's gone. So all I can do now is mourn and lament. "Gay" is just an issue any more and not a "people". That's all folks. It is over.

 

Troy Williams was announced as the new director of Equality Utah at the Allies Dinner tonight. Jim Dabakis called me and we talked for a long time about crap in this community.

 

Greg Tracie Aviary Hardin asked me, “Why can't us "Queer Folks" start our own club house in the 9th & 9th neighborhood? Pride can't pull off "Humble Pie" without volunteers!” Brandon Burt countered saying “I think there's still a community. I think maybe the problem is just that some gay people are assholes.” He added here’s what Dave, his boyfriend, says, ‘I think there's still a valid gay community -- there's just the 'communal' part missing. Minus the bar (and the Pride Center), where is it we can commune other than Face book and e-mail? We can hardly call ourselves a community. It would be nice if there was some kind of meeting gathering place ... some dance hall or something, where there were hundreds of us and we could feel we belonged to an elite group. That's what I've missed since I've been out of the closet -- it's hard to feel proud and be part of a community that doesn't want to recognize that you exist." (Then he mumbled something about "self-centered faggots." [lots of laughter].

 

Dan Fahndrich kind of agreed with me saying, “I know that I have seen a decline. We went thru a whole lot "back in the day" OK, I am an older one, but it does seem different.”

 

SAGE is giving me some type of recognition award at the SAGE fall pot luck for community service ... It was in the Pride newsletter that I got it in the email or otherwise I would not have known... It was a surprise to me ...

 

I had a message today from VINE that Kyle has been transported from Draper but to where they took him. It just said he was in custody of the department of corrections. I guess I will get a message later from them where he will land.

 

I have gotten a letter every day this week from him and the one I received today was sad. He wrote about birds nesting in the tiers of the prison, coming throw the broken windows and how someone there slit his wrist and blood was everywhere.

 

This is the letter he wrote me last Wednesday the 24th. “Dear Ben, a small family of birds has taken roost high up in the ceiling of the tier. They flit and flutter in and out of the broken windows all day long tending to their young and adding to their nest merrily chirping as they work above the fray. I can hardly imagine all that they and their antecedents have born witness to through the decades.

 

Last night the birds witnessed a tragedy. A man attempted his own life. He clearly wanted to die.  His earnestness evident from the deep cuts running up both his wrists rather than across. He nearly bled out by the time the cops noticed he was resting in a pool of his own blood. It's quite possible he was successful and didn't survive the night.

 

  The callousness of the system is such that if he was unsuccessful they will patch him up and put him right back where he was. I know because he is the same guy who two weeks ago tried to kill himself and all they did was patch him up and bring him back.

 

It took several hours for the smell of blood to be replaced by the smell of disinfectant as it took the guards that long to get around to mopping up the drippings leading from the puddle in his cell forming a trail across the tier floor and out the building.

 

The reaction by the scores of inmates on the tier was exactly what one would expect from a rapid pack of wolves, hot on the trail of freshly wounded prey. Whatever is the opposite of somber that was the general mood across the block as the scene erupted below.

 

The frantic radio calls and jangling of keys on the belts of cops running back and forth were nearly drowned out by the cavalcade of shouts and banging of bars by the inmates above.

 

Some voices lauded the victim for his apparent acumen and possible success while others derided him as a "pussy" "attention whore" and wished he would just "fucking die".

 

All this called out in full voice as the medics wheeled him out on a gurney. The one thing all the voices could agree on was their pleasure at the brief excitement offered by the victim's blood.

 

But brief it was, for just as quickly as it began, it ended; even before the droplets had time to congeal the shouts shifted  to offers to buy  and sell tomorrow's breakfast tray and shots of coffee. One clever fellow even offered to sell a razor blade- everyone laughed.

 

Meanwhile  mama and papa bird  flitted  and fluttered  in and out of the broken  windows tending  to their  young and adding to their  nest merrily  chirping  as they worked above the fray.

 

Love Kyle”

 

I received a package of few things he sent me to save for him...that was sad too...a little tea steamer and a calculator.

 

Bill Poore wrote “You are breaking my heart with this with tea steamer story. I could turn this into a monologue.  It captures the tragedy in a very personalized way the reality of that life that we will never experience.  .Well if he is not going to be in Draper sounds like either back to Gunnison or a county jail.  Why would you not be able to visit him at a county jail? What set you off on Face Book with that rant about community being dead?  By the way Dayne Law called and left a message saying he was sorry that Jimmy Lee did not call me but that he was on vacation, then Dayne went on vacation, and now he was wondering if I could meet with him next week?  I have not returned the call, I doubt after meeting Jimmy Lee I really want to be involved at all....they seem so disorganized. So Kyle was able to send you things?

 

I responded to Bill: When they pulled him out of Gunnison he was able to save a few of his possessions which he sent to me.” Bill then said “Let's hope he is being sent to Salt Lake City County Jail, why would you not be able to visit him there?  It seems you would be like any other visitor at the jail? Keep me informed on Kyle.  Now what got you so pissed off that you declared the community dead?....”

 

I said it was too much for me to type and that I would talk to him tomorrow.”

 

“It would seem from that post you didn't go to the Allies Dinner tonight? You could have met that cute boy holding that sign at the fucked up families gathering at the Capitol,” Bill continued. I said I could have because Jim Dabakis invited me and I would have been sitting at his table but  he's straight and married.”

 

Bill said, “Sure he is, seems you were straight and married at one time yourself.” I corrected him saying, “I might have been married but I was never straight.”  He added “- Have you always been this confused or is this new thing?  Let’s talk tomorrow, maybe I will drive over and look at you. I sort of need a dog fix anyway.”

 

27 September 2014 Saturday

Well my automatic garage door opener went kaput this afternoon. Bill Poore came over to visit around noon and we decided to go get some Chinese food on this very rainy day. I said I'd drive but when I went to open the garage door I just hear this awful rumbling growling noise and the garage door wouldn't lift...So manually I opened it and off we went to East Sea on 9th West and 4th South...

 

We talked about Equality Utah, the Pride Center and changes taking place with "gay issues". I wanted to say community. Old habits are hard to break... but will learn to accept we just have “Gay issues” and everyone is on their own..

 

I can't get someone out until Monday at 4 to look at the garage door. Oh well this way my car gets a good washing.

 

Kyle Foote is in the Daggett County jail. I am very disappointed. It’s 177 miles from here and the town of Manila only has 300 people living there. I doubt whether there will be any mental health services provided for him. He was simply dumped there. I tried calling today to ask how to contact him but the phone just had an answering machine.

 

This what I did find out. Daggett County UT Jail is classed as a medium security facility. It has a strengthened perimeter fence and electronic detection systems to ensure inmates stay within the facility. To help inmates prepare themselves to rejoin the wider community, Daggett County Jail offers a wide range of work and treatment programs. Daggett County Jail is a County Jail used by the jurisdictions of Daggett to confine inmates for short periods while awaiting trial or processing. As inmates are staying for only a short period, it has fewer amenities than a jail or prison. Inmates do, however, have access to bathroom facilities and are provided with meals during their stay. Daggett County Jail may also have a common area in which inmates can socialize.”

 

“ While the prospect of getting locked up in Daggett County Jail is very scary, soon you will get accustomed to the routine that is set for you in jail. You will get an alarm to wake up at 6am and then roll call. Then you will have breakfast. After breakfast, you will have to work in the work program that you’ve been assigned to. This could be working in the kitchen, laundry, or some sort of manufacturing job. While this may seem tedious, it may help you when you leave jail, as you are gaining experience in a certain field of work. Other inmates go to school, while some take part in mandated treatment programs.

 

After lunch, there will be another roll call, then back to work. Your evening will be spent either in your cell or a common room. During this time dinner is served and you will be expected to take a shower. After another roll call, it’s lights out. Even though you will be confined to your cell, there may be enough light to read or write letters. Then again, most inmates welcome lights out, and try to get as much sleep as they can.

 

 Most people are frightened at the idea of jail because they don’t know what to expect. If you have spent any time in Daggett County Jail, your experiences would be welcomed, if it can help another person to deal with it.” 

 

I am thinking it will be at least a 2 and a half hour drive to Manila and any way you cut it that’s a long drive. To get to Manila Utah you have to go through Wyoming and turn south at Lyman  and then go about an hour south towards Flaming Gorge. They said the jail has a wide range of resources but how could it with only 300 people in town? Where would they get the professionals to help treat the prisoners?

 

Bill Poore wrote: Well is it close to someplace else?  I like that it has different work programs.  I almost wonder they are not within the prison.  Sounds to me like he is getting out soon. I realize they said it would a couple of years before he had his next hearing but with what I have been hearing about no space for prisoners all over the state they will let the low risk out sooner than later. Where is Dag?

 

His crime is a white collar crime, not violent, he is not dangerous.  The Mormons don't give a fuck about fraud, he is like a member in good standing. You know if I wrote you the schedule that the boys had in treatment it seemed tougher than the one your wrote for jail.  It really is not that bad of a schedule.  The thing about a place like this, the guards don't want high drama all the time. They have to be with these guys all the time so they want to have a good relationship with them.  It makes their lives easier as well.  It sounds to me like it can be a more relaxed place.

 

It looks like Charles did go to the Equality Utah’s Allies dinner after all.....”  I responded, “ Oh did he? Hmmmm he caved.” Bill said “yeah, pictures with Sim [Gill], the gay couple Seth  and Michael  and Doug posted.”

 

I wrote Kyle Foote a letter today. “Dear Kyle, I received your beautifully written but hauntingly sad letter about the birds yesterday. It was transcendent.  I was so very glad that you could make art out of the horror around you. I shared it with my friend Bill Poore, a drama professor at the U. He wrote back: “I could turn this into a monologue. It captures the tragedy in a very personalized way the reality of that life that we will never experience.”

 

I also received your little package of your steamer kettle and calculator. That too seemed melancholy to me; that you were trying to keep a few of your things from being taken away.

 

It’s a very dreary rainy day this morning. The skies are over cast spreading a blanket of gloominess. It’s a cold rain. Not a summer rain. Now that I have a tin roof over the hot tub I hear the clickety clack of the hard rain beating against it.

 

But I want to stay positive. We need the rain. The earth is parched and the trees will need this deep watering as they go dormant for the winter. I will instead look for rainbows instead of clouds.

 

You might not get this letter for a while. I am hesitant to send it.  I was ready to sit down and write you a long letter yesterday when I checked my email and VINE said you had been transferred back into the custody of corrections but did not tell me yet where they are sending you.

 

I didn’t think my letter would reach you if they sent you away from Draper, and I don’t know even if you will get the letters I have sent.  Once the dust settles, if you have not received my letters I will resend them. I have saved them all on my computer.

 

So here you are my friend, off on another new adventure. One, perhaps, not of your choosing or liking but a new experience none the less. I know it will try your patience, fortitude, and strength. But you are a writer. You need to write.

 

I have saved every one of your letters. I have put them in a binder for you to have when you are released. Maybe you might want to burn them as being too painful, or maybe just put them away until you can reflect on them by putting some distance and time between then and now.

 

"There is nothing to say about life. It has no meaning. You make meaning. If you want a meaning in your life, find a meaning and bring it into your life, but life won't give you a meaning. Meaning is a concept. It is a notion of an end toward which you are going." –Buddha

 

 I am sure you haven’t been able to watch or hear much news being shuffled around so I will give you some highlights. The most important is that Derrick won Big Brother!. I knew that would cheer you up [lots of laughter]. The final three were Derrick, Cody, and Victoria. Ol’ Beastmode Cowboy Caleb got blindsided in the final four.  It ended between Derrick and Cody and the jury gave the million dollars to Derrick and Cody got the $50,000 and Donny got $25,000 for being America’s favorite player.  Summer officially is over when Big Brother is over.

 

US Attorney General Eric Holder is stepping down which is kind of a bummer. He was such a good friend of human rights but then he never went after the Wall Street Crooks either, like he should have, but there’s only so much one is allowed to do.

 

We are bombing Syria to curtail ISIS the Islamic State.  I think that is not such a bad thing but really the Middle East should be waging this war and begging us for help instead of us begging those threatened by ISIS to join us in the fight.

 

A man in Oklahoma claiming to be a Muslim Jihadist beheaded a co-worker there so that will rile up the redneck base to go after innocent Muslims.

 

The International Olympic committee finally put it in their bylaws that countries that violate human rights or discriminates against Gay people cannot host the Olympics. Well there goes Utah’s chances of hosting a Winter Game again [lots of laughter]  Unless the Lord reveals to the prophet that it’s okay to be Gay in time for an Olympic bid.

 

Okay locally…Troy Williams was picked to be head of Equality Utah, to replace Brandi Balkens.  That has raised a lot of eyebrows. Here he was one of the 13 arrested, protesting the state legislators refusal to address Gay discrimination laws, and now he’s the chief negotiated with them? It really doesn’t matter who they place as the director. Even if Jesus was the director the legislators would still just follow the direction of their Mormon overlords.

 

Charles Frost is stewing because he hates Troy with a passion and now he will have to suck up to him in public.  I think it’s an interesting choice although I do think Troy is a putz and has never done anything that was not self-serving, however playing nice has never gotten us anywhere either with the state legislators who's allegiance is first to their Mormon temple oaths and to the Constitution second.

 

Much of the sentiment found in comments in the Tribune favor Troy’s selection. I think people are tired of the same old same money elite making decisions about how to play with the legislators, most who are really out of touch with American values and are playing to their tea party base.

 

This is a sample of what is being said. “Gay equality cannot be locked away behind the closet door any longer. Williams’ appointment may raise eyebrows, but those lawmakers need to question their own motivation it they insist on discrimination. Troy knows the pain that many - make that all - of us have experienced at the hands of some pretty determined anti-gay bigots. While education is a big factor in achieving equality, sometimes the only path available is Williams' "particular, and often divisive, brand of activism." His determination and verve are principled attributes needed to finally open the gay-marriage closet door. Equality Utah, good choice. Congratulations Troy!”

 

 Charles is out of touch, I think, with what a lot of people are thinking due to his extreme prejudice against Troy. Their troubles go way back to the Dottie Dixon creation days with Troy claiming to be a co-creator of the character and having sued Charles for a share of profits from use of the character. Charles had to hire a lawyer to get Troy to back off.

 

I just find Troy an incredible egotist, who is like  those in the song Easy To Be Hard, “Especially people who care about strangers, Who care about evil and social injustice Do you only care about the bleeding crowd, How about a needy friend.”

 

Troy has a following. He doesn’t have friends.

 

 My other complaint is, I can never trust nor forgive anyone who worked for Gayle Ruzicka. To me they will always be tainted no matter how they may repented.

 

However I know for a certainty that Jim Dabakis put Troy is that position and Jim is a crafty old fox.

 

Anyway, his appointment was announced at the Equality Utah Allies Dinner last night, which Jim wanted me to attend with him but I begged off. I really didn’t want to hobnob with the “seen and be seen” crowd.

 

I had to delete all the postings of Seth and Michael posing with the VIP’s. My place has always been and always will be with the hoi polloi. I am a snob that way.

 

However Jim called before the dinner and we talked for a while on how dysfunctional Equality Utah has become with so many people leaving and a having a new board that doesn’t have a clue about the Gay Community.

 

In early September they sent a press release to the Q announcing their endorsements and it caused such a stink that they had to retract it and say it was a mistake and then blamed it on Maria Glomberg the temporary director, who had nothing to do with it.

 

The original endorsements was so out of whack that they even endorsed both Sim Gill AND his republican opponent! Jim said they had all candidates wanting their endorsement come meet with a committee and then answer prepared questions. When Jim met with them this arrogant cunt said that he could only have one minute to answer a question. When he went over a few times the bitch told him that if he continued they would terminate the interview.

 

Then this committee cunt had the gall to ask Jim what else he had done to contribute to the Gay community! Unfuckingbelievable! Here they are talking to the man who founded Equality Utah, which they did not know, and the only GAY legislator in Utah and they have to interview him before endorsing him?   This is just part of what is really wrong these days… Too many straights in positions of power.

 

The Chair of the Board of Equality Utah is a straight man Cliff Rosky. The chair of the Board of the Pride Center is John Netto a straight man!  Anyway I posted on my Face Book page that I believe the Gay Community as I knew it is dead.

 

 : “Okay here's my rant. I think the Gay community is dead. I don't think it exists anymore. A once a year "pride celebration" is not a community. All we have today is "LGBT issues" but no sense of community. That's gone. It left when we allowed straight people, who do not know us, do not know our history, were never part of our struggle, take positions of authority and power over us. All they see are "issues" because they aren't us. It makes me furious when I hear of people on boards arrogantly questioning long time influential Gay members, of what was once our community, "what you have done for the Gay community?" If they don't know then, get the fuck off our boards until you educate yourselves. If people on certain boards can't even distinguish between Sim Gill and Steven Nelson then their heads should be on platters. If pandering to Republicans is thought to be okay because it helps advance the "issues"...I then say fuck you. Republicans killed my people just as much as if they put a gun to their heads. These people don't know the Gay base because they are not of the base. They provide services for the Gay youth without allowing Gay Youth to serve. They don't want to know our base. They only want to attend banquet after banquet and then think they know us because they can slap down a couple of Ben Franklins. I want my community back, but it's gone. So all I can do now is mourn and lament. "Gay" is just an issue any more and not a "people". That's all folks. It is over.”

 

By the way,  I guess the SAGE Board felt guilty for treating me like shit last August at their pot luck by abandoning me so this October Fall Pot Luck they are honoring me with a lifetime achievement award.  Charles Frost wants me to send him a list of organizations I created and I said how many pages do you want? [lots of laughter]

 

I know that because of what you are going through right now these matters seem trivial and distant but I have an ulterior motive. For the brief time you are reading my letters you can forget where you are, even temporarily, and let you mind wander freely.

 

I will close this rambling letter. I just wanted you to know I received all your letters and your package and I am waiting to see where you are before sending mine off. I will write something every day so you may have a pile all at once.  I may even just send you some of my articles for the Q until we can get your subscriptions worked out again.

 

I am sending this Sonnet of Shakespeare that meant so much to me. I memorized it in college and when I can’t be with the people I love I recite it to myself.

 

SONNET 29 When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself, and curse my fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd, Desiring this man's art and that man's scope, With what I most enjoy contented least; Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising, Haply I think on thee, and then my state, Like to the lark at break of day arising From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate; For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

 

Keep positive, keep mentally alert, illuminate your dark spaces with thoughts of joys and laughter, be a willow bend in the gale that topple might oaks.

 

The universe has given you a Gay spirit. What else could make you stronger and as pliant? All that it takes for us to survive and thrive also gives us the strength to endure and be co-creators with the universe.

 

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”  ― John Milton, Paradise Lost

 

Remember dear friend, Where you are now is temporary. It will not last. Your future is coming faster than you think. It will be here before you know it.

 

This is from a poem called WAITING that I also memorized when I first came out of the closet and I knew no one and had left everything behind and I was frightened;  “Serene, I told my hands and wait, Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea; I rave no more 'gainst time or fate, For, lo! my own shall come to me.” - John Borough   It will get better.   For Better or worse Ben

 

28 September 2014 Sunday

Lots of rain here yesterday. At the airport near where I live, 1.2 inches of rain. Since Utah's annual rainfall is about 8 inches that is a lot! But we need it. The land is parched and we will need it as the trees are beginning to go dormant. Rainy days good time to clean house, put clean sheets on, vacuum and do some laundry. I have stew meat cooking for some beef stew today. Yeah it’s still that kind of weather.

 

After breakfast I went to the grocery store and bought the hounds some chicken gizzard meat for the week. Yes I spoil my dogs. Get over it.

 

This is me today, I deboned and skinned chicken thighs that I got for 99 cents a pound. Threw skins and bones into a pot to make Chicken stock for soup later this week. The flesh will be chopped chicken for the hounds supper this week. Made a beef stew from roast I had in the freezer that had to be used up. Lots of potatoes, green beans, onions, carrots and peas. No foodie here just plain old fashion cooking. I also have lima beans in the crock pot soaking to use up some of the ham I had left over from this spring in the deep freeze... Celery, carrots bay leaf salt and cracked pepper.

 

I made some brownies I will give to Michael Romero when he gets back from Rawlins... I can't eat them. My house smells good. I would have made someone a good wife now I will have to settle on being a granny...the cycle of life.

 

Now back to writing. Today is someone special to me birthday day. Billy Bikowski was 24 year old when I met him and now he's 53 and I have not seen him since he turned 30. He was a beautiful exquisitely talented wood sculptor who was back then an avid skier and athlete.

 

For his 25th birthday I took him to JC Penney’s and bought him a sweater, a shirt, and dress pants. He said he felt like he was my Ken doll. He used to make me laugh. He would light up a room just by walking into it, He was one of my great loves but I was not his. I think of him often and when I do I smile. He could not reconcile being Gay and Mormon and chose Mormonism over me. Happy Birthday and stay forever young.

 

Little life pleasures... freshly made bed with clean sheets and Lucky and Buddy snuggling by my side.

 

I wrote Kyle Foote today “Dear Kyle, I learned yesterday you are in Manila at the Daggett County Jail. VINE never notified me so I did an inmate search and found that you landed in Daggett. So I sent off the letter I wrote you yesterday morning before I knew where you would be. I am sending a money order to the jail to put on your books for $50. The Jail doesn’t have a system like Gunnison where I could just put money in your account on line.  So I am mailing it out today separately along with this letter but I have no idea how long it will take to get mail to you.

 

In Gunnison it took nearly 4 days.  But you should have money in your account by Thursday, I hope.

 

My phone number is 801 505 3459 … you had the prefix wrong so I hope you don’t call me until you get this letter. The County jail site is really vague but I think it says you can receive phone calls so we will have to set that up somehow by putting some money on the books. I am sure it will have to be pre-paid.        

 

The site also said that there are two types of visiting… a barrier visit---“An appointment is not necessary for a barrier visit.” “Barrier visits are allowed 6 days a week between the hours of 8:00 am-11:30 am, 1:00 in the evening-5:00 in the evening and 7:00 in the evening-8:00 in the evening; Sunday 8am-12in the evening, no visitation after 12in the evening allowed; these hours exclude meal times.”  However they don’t tell you how long you can visit.

 

The other visiting type I assume is that you have to make an appointment if I want to see you in person without a barrier between us.  “Those who wish to visit an inmate must fill out a Visitor Request Form and return it to the jail two weeks before your scheduled visit.”  I will call and see if my visiting form for Gunnison is also valid for Daggett. If not, they said it might take 3 weeks to process.  I am coming on your birthday regardless.  And if the weather holds, up right before Thanksgiving. It says you can’t have visitors on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

 

They have got you in a very remote part of the state. You have to go into Wyoming through Evanston then turn south at Lyman.  I have never been off I 80 so have no clue how the roads are or the passes into Manila. I know the Three Sisters Pass outside of Evanston can get pretty bad in the winter… so it may be spring after winter that I dare take the trip. It’s 177 miles from home and they say it takes about 3 hours so it’s another two hours on the road back and forth. Oh well. That’s the bad news.

 

The good news is that I have read that the Daggett facility for a county jail is not that bad and that the Sherriff there actually okays individually the inmates he will accept …so hopefully there will be less drama and shut downs etc.  You are back in a pod living situation they say.

 

This is what one site said but it wasn’t the official site: Daggett County UT Jail is classed as a medium security facility. It has a strengthened perimeter fence and electronic detection systems to ensure inmates stay within the facility. To help inmates prepare themselves to rejoin the wider community, Daggett County UT Jail offers a wide range of work and treatment programs. Daggett County UT Jail is a County Jail used by the jurisdictions of Daggett to confine inmates for short periods while awaiting trial or processing. As inmates are staying for only a short period, it has fewer amenities than a jail or prison. Inmates do, however, have access to bathroom facilities and are provided with meals during their stay. Daggett County UT Jail may also have a common area in which inmates can socialize.  While the prospect of getting locked up in Daggett County Jail is very scary, soon you will get accustomed to the routine that is set for you in jail. You will get an alarm to wake up at 6am and then roll call. Then you will have breakfast. After breakfast, you will have to work in the work program that you’ve been assigned to. This could be working in the kitchen, laundry, or some sort of manufacturing job. While this may seem tedious, it may help you when you leave jail, as you are gaining experience in a certain field of work. Other inmates go to school, while some take part in mandated treatment programs. After lunch, there will be another roll call, then back to work. Your evening will be spent either in your cell or a common room. During this time dinner is served and you will be expected to take a shower. After another roll call, it’s lights out. Even though you will be confined to your cell, there may be enough light to read or write letters. Then again, most inmates welcome lights out, and try to get as much sleep as they can. Most people are frightened at the idea of jail because they don’t know what to expect.”

 

I read in a 2011 Deseret News an article about the Sherriff who is in charge of the jail,   “But the changes go beyond the demolition of a building and the addition of more barbed wire and security cameras. There’s now a screening process in place to help the sheriff determine which state inmates he’ll accept. So far, Jorgensen has rejected about 300 state inmates who were approved by Corrections staff for housing in Daggett County.  "I screen them against their crime, against escape risks, against disciplinary issues, against their medical (issues), against gang activities," the sheriff said.

 

He also mandates strict adherence to the minimum staffing plan he's adopted and requires his corrections officers to treat all inmates fairly and with dignity. "I would much rather be here (than at the prison)," one state inmate told the Deseret News. "They treat you with a lot of respect. That means a lot to an inmate."

 

I just hope that you can continue to have counseling and access to your mental health medication.  As small as Manila is (2000 census 300 people) I wonder what kind of services can they provide you in your rehabilitation. Will you be able to continue your education? Although all the books I bought you are in Gunnison.

 

 I don’t know how to set up an account for you. If Money Orders are the best way, just expect a few days delay because of the mail.  I am still going to write to you often even if we get a phone system going. Actually that may even be cheaper than the gas it would take to get to Manila but I still want to see you and see how you are holding up.

 

 I wonder if the prison censor letter reader at Gunnison is going to miss all the juicy gossip and insiders stories about the Gay community of Salt Lake City? Better prepare the Daggett letter that he or she will get a snoot full of Gay politics in the letters you receive.

 

Well I will make this one short. Where ever you landed had to be better than in the holding section at Draper and actually I am hoping that you have landed in a place that will not, at least, make you so anxious and that the people there are not violent or mentally unstable.

 

Bill Poore tried to reassure me after I told him what I read about Daggett by writing me, “His crime is a white collar crime, not violent, he is not dangerous.  The Mormons don't give a fuck about fraud; he is like a member in good standing. You know if I wrote you the schedule that the boys had in treatment it seemed tougher than the one you wrote for jail.  It really is not that bad of a schedule.  The thing about a place like this, the guards don't want high drama all the time. They have to be with these guys all the time so they want to have a good relationship with them.  It makes their lives easier as well.  It sounds to me like it can be a more relaxed place.”

 

Bill use to work at a juvenile detention place in Idaho where the teenage boys were almost constantly on lock down. I hope you are over the trauma of having to take a shower in front of all those other inmates at Wasatch…yes you and I are very much different that way. I would have been in line around the clock just to take a shower [lots of laughter]. 

 

Well I know you are a little shell shocked about be uprooted from Gunnison where you had been for nearly two years.  I was rereading some of your letters in 2012 and you knew that the IPP could yank you at any time. I am grateful that you received the help you did at Gunnison and that you learned to play “baseball”.  They can never take that away from you. J

 

Michael went home to Rawlins over the weekend. His sister Michelle is dying from having destroyed her liver as an alcoholic.  She’s only 54 but I have known her since she was 33.  But her life was working in a bar in Rawlins and that’s the life she chose. I sent up a gallon and a half of Chili Verde with Mike for his family because I know they won’t want to cook anything.

 

Michaels mom died in 2012 a year after my mom.

 

My garage opener went out yesterday so I’m having a guy come out Monday after school to look at replacing it. I am sure that will be several hundreds of dollars. When you own a house you have upkeep.

 

Well, I know you are over the worrying about going to Davis or Cache like you said in your last letters which came on Saturday. It’s the not knowing that will drive you crazy. If you know what is in front of you then you can always deal with it. Let me know about your magazines, whether you will be allowed to have a television, whether you can receive books, or if you need more money to replace all the underwear that you weren’t able to take with you.  I wonder if I can wear short when I come visit? [lots of laughter]…

 

I hope this letter finds you adjusting. Like being the new kid at a new school where everyone knows each other, in time it will be familiar. Well,  I guess I will run down to the post office and drop this off, although its Sunday and the earliest it will go out is 1 p.m.  Take care and try to find something that you can be glad about once a day. Love Ben

 

29 September 2014 Monday

I rushed home right after school to be home by 4:00 so that Precision Doors could install a new garage opener.

 

The New Pride Center hours beginning today are  Saturday –Sunday- Monday: Closed. Tuesday through Friday they are opened from 10 in the morning until 8 in the evening. They claim that scheduled evening programs will continue as currently planned. I guess you can't have Pride over the Weekend or Monday [lots of laughter]

 

But really! What is happening people? The old Utah Stonewall Center was open 7 days a week from 9 to 9 at night staffed entirely by volunteers and a paid part time director!!!

 

Because back then "We Had A Community" who cared about one another more than "issues"... People will step up if they are allowed ownership and to have a say... but you think the people who run the Pride Center give a fuck what you think?

 

No community talking circles, No public Budget, no info from the Capital raising committee... Is this any way to run a "community" center? Hell no! But it’s a great place to deal with the "issues" which is whatever they decide they are. Oh well... maybe we get the "pride center" we deserve.

 

Comments: Greg Hardin said, “I protest, we need a town hall meeting!”  Jon Schild agreed and said, “Yep. When the new regime took over, an old community member told me, "Well, the new center has money, but the Stonewall Center had heart."

 

Brandon Burt wrote “I keep saying it, Ben ... a lot of gay people these days are assholes. We were out tonight at the bar and, as it turned out, the only person I could actually enjoy talking to was a heterosexual woman named Lauren. We sat at the bar and solved three crossword puzzles together and told each other about our lives.”

 

Later after reading Bob Henline’s “For the Record Blog” I was surprised to see this. "Last week I was informed that Ha was attempting to intervene in an honor being bestowed upon my friend and fellow columnist Ben Williams by SAGE Utah. A number of people contacted me after Ha reportedly contacted them to ask about alleged slurs that Ben has made to the bisexual community. From what I could gather, he was on a dirt-digging expedition in an attempt to undermine the honor.

 

That is the last straw. I am no longer willing to keep Ha’s unprofessional and unbecoming behavior to myself in an effort to avoid airing this community’s dirty laundry. Ha’s behavior is despicable. He is the leader of an organization that sits at the heart of our community. His constant petty back-biting and attempts to undermine other people only serves to foster division and dissent and our strength, as a community, lies in unity of purpose.”

 

Hmmm... a smear campaign against by the Pride Center? I must be doing something right. I have 28 years of service to the Gay community and a record of integrity and sacrifice. Let some insignificant people howl. I will still be here after they have burned out. Wouldn't be the first time I've been slandered. Probably won't be the last. There are people in this community whose opinions of me I value above all else... But for some others not so much.

 

When I called Charles Frost up to ask if he read Henline’s post I was taken back to learn that he had been contacted by Ha and asked if he knew of other anti-bisexual comments I had made.  Then Charles asked me if I had written any against bisexuals. I told Charles that he should have told Ha to go fuck himself.

 

Then later I got really pissed that Charles knew that Ha was trying to smear me but hadn’t called me to let me know and even had the audacity to question me whether I had written anything!

 

When he was under attack by Valarie Larabee last year I was right there by his side leading the charge against that bitch. I never questioned Charles whether he ever did anything to get fired. I think the lack of loyalty to me by Charles hurts more than anything.

 

I know I am an emotional hot headed Texans but I know what loyalty is.

 

Later I sent Charles  a text saying I was disappointed that he didn’t defend me to Ha and said I was not going to accept the SAGE award.

 

I wrote him, “After stewing about this all night I am pretty certain how this rumor got started. On Great Basin Bad Boys Bill Poore posted about Bisexuality Day ...about that it didn't mean you could buy sex...We had a banter like Bill and I do and I posted a comment where someone said the reason for bisexual day was how they are "marginalized" by some people in the LGBT community which was just another attack on Gay people.

 

I told Bill on the thread that if I hear the word marginalized anymore I'd shoot that person.  No one took offense ....anyone could tell we were bantering.. But when I looked to see who was listed as having seen the thread there was Jon Jepson... I have no proof he was the one that told Ha I had made anti-bisexual comments but no one else had access to my comments and no one else had a reason to "tattle on me" ...

 

 Great Basin Bad Boys as you well know was set up as a secret group... I have NEVER public demeaned any part of the so called LGBT community and never voiced frustration with how it's been driven except in private conversations of which you have been part.

 

You know I'd expected my friends to jump to my defense rather than question me if I'd made any demeaning comments. More than 20 years ago these power lesbians felt so challenged by me that they actually were telling people that I had called them and left threatened messages on their answering machine... When some asked if it was true, I dropped them as friends ....if they knew me so little to even ask me that question.

 

I never defend myself. I let my work and integrity speak for me and I expect my friends to do also. I do feel hurt that you didn't put Steve Ha in his place when he asked you if I had written anti bisexual comments. Like even if I did that would wipe out a lifetime of work?

 

You know as well as I that Ha goes by “Tosh Stevens” and some other phony name on different Face Book accounts, that no one knows anything about him  prior to 3 years ago and that he's a sneaky lying piece of shit...

 

So I am sorry that I am so controversial that I cause so much heartburn to the powers that be...I don't seek honors, never have. I don't promote myself and never will. Having said that I'd like you to tell the SAGE committee thank you for their consideration but I'll  Respectfully decline the honor.  I am sure there are plenty of less controversial and mealy mouth persons that would be more suitable to Steven Ha.

 

Nominate Jon Jepson. I'd rather not spend my old age  having to defend my reputation. I don't need permission to be me.”

 

Pitter patter here comes the rain...

 

Well I've got me a deluxe garage door opener installed ... Good thing I get paid tomorrow.

 

Douglas Cartier wrote about Bob’s column, “Very interesting and well written. I was hoping with Valerie gone things would get better. Obviously they're not. Very sad. They need to just close the Pride Center if they can't be open, honest and accommodating to all.”

 

Brandon Burt said “Wow Bob.....that is some heavy shit. Oh, drama! I'm sorry you got caught in the fallout, Ben ... Yes, it seems that Bisexual Day comes earlier and earlier every year! Hahaha. But, out of curiosity, what was the comment that provoked all this outrage? (And also when did Bisexual Day become a thing? I'd never heard of it until this year ...)”

 

I responded to Brandon: I have no idea and neither does Ha...he calls people up and tells them he has a comment I made and then won't tell people what it is...he's just fishing... I've written for 10 years for the Q and if he's basing it off of an off handed comment as a joke he's a bigger turd then I gave him credit... Is this the kind of person we want to lead a "pride center" smearing people and trying to discredit people without any evidence?”

 

Bill Poore spoke up and said, “Actually I am the one that started the tongue-in- cheek conversation about bisexuals on Bisexual day....Ben just chimed in …so bring it on Ha.”

 

Ruadhan O'Sheridan “Oh wow! Just finished reading the entire article. Just . . . wow.”

 

Bob Henline wrote: “Sorry for the long read, but it's been a long time brewing and I wanted to cover it fully.” Bill Poore responded to Bog saying, “I think you are great Bob.....give me that old time religion.”

 

Michael Aaron chimed in “I adore you. I hope that matters.”

 

Bill Poore then snarkily said, “Wow you have most of the trans hating you now you will have the bisexuals hating you as well.  Do we know any bisexuals? Come Ben let’s start a movement and have the gays secede from the LBGT. We like a few lesbians and maybe one tran. I really think you should consider nominating Dominique Storni for that Ries award.  Dom deserves.  She has worked her butt off, she steps on toes but so do you.”

 

I responded to Bill, “You nominate her... Anyone can nominate any one...it's only the recipients who can vote.  Charles said he went to the Equality Utah because Sim Gill asked him. He said the atmosphere there was really snobby... I am re-evaluating my friendship with Charles. He told me that Steve Ha called him and Ha said he had a comment where I degraded the bisexual community. Charles asked him to read it to him and Ha wouldn't...because he has nothing...the part that upsets me is that Charles didn't go to bat for me and tell Steve where to stick it and Charles kept asking me on the phone whether I had made any  anti bisexual comments... That floored me... Whether I did or not Charles should have stood by me...

 

When he got canned last year I supported him all the way and vocally criticized Valerie and the board... Charles should have done the same for me...I don't care if I shouted from the street corner that bisexuals are assholes...he should have said well that's Bens opinion...

 

I have worked in this community for 28 years, and built and organized much of that... I will be here long after  Ha comes and goes... BTW Ha has two face book accounts under different names and before 3 years ago no one can find info about him...but I have to defend myself against him?”

 

Bill Poore replied to me “I am sure it was the conversation we had last week when I posted it was National Bisexual Day and said to my nephew Chris, No that does not mean you can go buy sex.....under that, we had a funny conversation about bisexuals....you said some funny things...I mean it is our face book not Ha's face book page.  I think if you go back a week a few days you will find it. I am sure that is where it is coming from.  Fuck Ha, Fuck Pride, who cares. What bisexual community?  Where is it?”

 

I said, “Unless you deleted it there nothing there... I think it's from Michael Aaron's site when all the Trans were in his face... I wrote this when Michael said he can't publish what he is not aware of.  When Trans are sleeping with the opposite sex,  they drop off my radar too... I can't see them camouflage among the heterosexuals .... Dayne Law was shooting his big mouth off again.

 

Bill Poore responded, “I don't delete things that often.  I remember you had a couple of long posts about bisexuals, it was funny but we both dismissed the 'entire concept of bisexuals.”  To tell you the truth in my 40 odd years of being out I honestly cannot tell you anyone I know that was bisexual......in Utah you might have more because of the fucking LDS church you have guys in and out of the closet depending on their guilt on religion.”

 

“I looked.. it was in Great Basin and no one would have known that unless I was ratted out”.

 

Bill Poore said then, “Well where else had you talked about bisexual?  It had to be that and someone must have mentioned it to HA HA. HE HE.”

 

“I looked and Jon Jepson saw that posting and I bet that bastard bisexual reported it to Steve or told him about it and Jepson is a board member... I just did a Monday massacred and deleted about 20 people from the group ... Mostly Charles friends who are questionable.”

 

Bill Poore: “I can’t find it now....I know it was not that bad.  What a fucking freak show.  I am so not a member of the LGBT. Just gay. I just found it. You really was on a roll with your comments about bisexuals, that has to be it.  Taken out of contexts .  You went after the Trans as well. You entire thing on marginalized was a gas. Yeah someone ratted you out with that.  I mean Charles saw that, he must have known you said all that unless he forgot.”

 

I told Bill then, “I deleted it and Jon ... Charles dropped Great Basin Bad Boys a few weeks ago... Said to many guys were hitting on him [laughing out loud]... But today he wanted me to add him back. That site was supposed to be secret and I feel violated. Charles made it too public because he’s a celebrity.”

 

Bill Poore: “ Well as I look back it really is a conversation between you and me most of the time.  Charles left Great Basin Bad Boys. I wonder why? Well I just found the post so you mean you deleted it?”

 

“I just did a few minutes ago.... I feel like those who saw the post but did not comment were eaves dropping.”

 

Bill Poore: “Well I guess we found out that what we say on Great Basin Bad Boys does not stay on Great Basin Bad Boys. So funny when you think about it. I mean it started a fucking war.  The entire marginalized part was so anti Tran.....Dayne has not called me back, but fuck, if they are closing Pride on Mondays as well as weekend he probably can’t afford to work there.”

 

The comment was not against Trannys. I had posted a comment where Bisexuals said they were marginalized by some in the LGBT community... I never mentions Trans... You associate that word with conversations you had with Dayne.”

 

Bill Poore: “Actually I associate it with several things Trans have said, long before Dayne. Marginalized is their favorite word.....like yours is COMMUNITY....”

 

“I think I am being targeted... Michael Aaron just texted me that someone asked him to look at a comment I posted on his bisexuality day.”

 

Bill Poore: “Well the old Chairman of the Theatre Department years ago told me after I told him I was getting a lot shit from students when I was Chairman of the Student Advisory Committee.  He said if you are doing things to change things you are going to get nailed to the cross.  I have never not seen that to be the case. You are an outspoken in your face kind of guy, you will be nailed to the cross all the time. I am sure it is not the first nor will it be the last.”

 

I replied, “I have been thrown out of more organizations that I had created then most people ever attended. These Lesbian cunt social workers in 1991 accused me of calling them and threatening them... Fucking liars and I had to defend myself because they were lesbians and I was a man so people believed them over me... Alan Ahtow took my whole archives away from me... Valerie hated me... But you know what? I am still here and they are gone... Because I have integrity and know what I've done to help people not just promote myself.”

 

30 September 2014 Tuesday

This is the kind of person we have running the Pride Center...Steve Ha instead of being man enough to talk to me has been calling people behind my back trying to solicit some dirt on me because he is pissed that SAGE chose to honor me for my long time service to the community...

 

 I don't need honors to know what I've done in my life but I think Ha's action is despicable and this shows his lack of character... Since his email is not listed I could not contact him to let him know what I think of him... Also since I cause so much heartburn to the powers that be, I am declining SAGEs kind offer..

 

Bob Henline wrote: “Don't give in, Ben”. And I replied “Oh I never give in... I am just more particular as I age what I want to give my effort... A historian always gets the last say... As I said before I don't do what I do for accolades... Peoples opinion of me is none of my business... But I still calls them as I sees them.”

 

Douglas Cartier said “It doesn't matter what Steven Ha, the pride center, or anyone else thinks! You deserve that Sage award and you better take it! Don't deprive Sage of that honor.”

 

Jon Schild also said, “Us older folks know how long you have been around and what you have done. The college boys don't.” and Alan Anderson said, “And I was going to go to this Sage event, cuz I loves ya!”.

 

My two cousins wrote in also. Steph Williams said, “He is obviously a coward, an idiot and an asshole. My cousin Ben is fabulous!” and Terrie Williams said, “•      Let your light shine. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer..”

 

Finally Michael Aaron West  gave some good advice, “Take a breath....forget the haters and receive the honor.”

 

Due to the opinion of some dear people and because SAGE is a good hearted organization with only nominal connection with the Pride Center, I had to do some soul searching. I probably over reacted ... no, I did over react...I was fuming at what Ha was doing to me and upset that he'd pull the same crap on anyone else. So I will not dishonor SAGE for wanting to honor me.

 

 I will always be controversial. I've been pissing people off since 1986 but since I've done more good than harm trying in my own way to heal, nurture, and educate the Gay community I knew and loved, I will reconsider.

 

I never sought out recognition because why should serving the people you loved and made you happy be rewarded? I feel I have been rewarded knowing the giants of the past on who's shoulders we stand to do today.

 

You know back then we disagreed but no one tried to smear one another. But it’s been a fabulous journey being a pioneer. Thanks to all my dear longtime friends who said kind words about me. It’s nice to know there's people around that still know me that well.

 

Charles Frost asked me to make a list of my accomplishments. In 1986 I  came out  and co-founded Wasatch Affirmation with Russ Lane from 1986-1988. Became a Bishop Agent in the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ Founded Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians MADGAL and was a Founding member of Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah 1986-1994

 

In 1987  I became a history columnist for The Tryangle 1987-1990 Became director of Salt Lake chapter of Affirmation which turned into Unconditional Support for Gays and Lesbians 1987-1992 Went to the March on Washington  Became co-host on Concerning Gays and Lesbian 1987-1994 Founded Utah AIDS memorial Quilt with Ben Barr Became secretary of the GLCCU served 3 terms 1987 1989 and 1994

 

In 1988 Created first AIDS panel for Tracy Ross, Created a coalition between LGSU,  Affirmation, US, and MCC to sponsor a series of community dances 1988-1989. Founded Beyond Stonewall a Gay and Lesbian Retreat 1988-1991 Co-founder the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society with Connell O’Donovan became Utah Stonewall Historical Society in 1991 to present Created the first Gay And Lesbian Pride Banner Openly Gay Democratic state delegate Inspired the formation of the youth group, gay fathers, the non-heterosexual men's group in Provo, and the first Thursday women's group.

 

In 1989 I was a Presenter at The AIDS quilt revealing at Salt Palace, facilitator of a workshop at the Desert and Mountain States Conference on building organizations Founded Sacred Faeries 1989-1993 GLCCU Subcommittee to create a community center 1989-1991. Originated the name the “Utah Stonewall Center.” Participated in the 20th Anniversary March at Stonewall in NYC

 

In 1990  Became a history columnist for the Bridge and board member of the Rhino Nest, a Member of Queer Nation

 

In 1991 first volunteer coordinator at the USC On the USC  library committee, Founded the Utah Stonewall archives Received Dr. Kristin Ries Award for community service

 

In 1992  Became librarian for the USC and archivist 1992-1997 Rebooted the Gay and Lesbian Historical Society as the Utah Stonewall Historical Society and Archives for Gay and Lesbian Studies 1992 to  present

 

In 1993 Founded the Pillar newspaper with members of the Sacred Faeries

 

In 1994 Served on Pride Day committee 1994-1999

 

In 1995  last publicly elected board member of USC

 

2004 became a columnist for QSaltLake Lambda Lore 2004 to present... First openly Gay man invited to give a presentation at the Utah State Historical Society. Talked about Utah’s Response to the AIDS epidemic 1981-1986

 

2014 Received a Life Time Achievement Award at the QSalt Lake Fabby’s,

 

This is all I can think of offhand.

 

Greg Allen wrote: “I'm glad you reconsidered. I hold you in the highest esteem for who you are and all you have done!”

 

Bill Poore said snarkily, “Ben is that a typo? only pissing people off since 1986, you are a child. I have been pissing people off since high school 1965 at least.”

 

Michael Aaron West  wrote “Yay! That's my Gay pioneer! We need to get you a prairie dress with a nice light blue floral print!” and Amy Barry said, “I may not have known you for as long as some, but I think highly of you and recognition of your work is important. Glad you're accepting. Now I can go to the BBQ again.”

 

Roland Allen Holmgren made a good observation, “Sage honors you, with the difficulty Sage has had with the center, you honor them by accepting the award.”

 

Deb Rosenberg said for me to accept the honor with grace and Peter Crane wrote: “It's nice to be recognized once in a while. It means you're making a difference in someone's life. Be spiteful to the hate mongers and rise above it. Accept the award with a thank you. Take it from a Scorpio, it's the best action to their hate.”