Summer 3rd Quarter Journal 2025 July-September

 

JULY

1 July 2025 Tuesday

Well here it is another Hot July. I think it reached 100 today and if not pretty darn close to it. Adrian went back to work today so I was up at 4:30 to fix his breakfast. I think he spent the night down with Kyle.  I was surprised to see Kyle’s Volvo gone when I went to the garage but Kyle said that Adrian’s battery died so he took his car to work.  So Kyle placed all his suitcases in the FIT and off we went to the airport.

                I have really disconnected feelings about Kyle leaving  as I am anxious about what it means not having him here as I now feel like I have no one to rely on.  Adrian is just a kid and can’t expect him to know what to do in case of an emergency. I kind of feel abandoned like I am on my own again but now with the added responsibility of keeping it all together.

                When Kyle asked if I was glad he was leaving I just said no and after unloading I hugged him goodbye.  For how long who knows.

                I had to go to Restaurant Depot to get a lot of hamburger meat and at the kitchen Juliana and Johanna were still finishing their shift. I gave Johanna a hug as I hadn’t seen her in quite a while. Only Johanna, Yolanda, and Milagros do I know any more who works in the kitchen. People I really don’t know are Moises Lopez Ceja, Juliana Mazo Jaramillo, Joe  R Santos Graterol Ruth Valderrama Leon.

                I took Lucy to PetSmart at 11:30 to be groomed and she was ready to be picked up by 2:30. I had her groomed really short for the summer. I wanted to get Taco and TJ’s nails clipped but the place was too busy.

                Adrian was home when I came back but he was in his room so did not bother him. I took a quick nap myself and fed the pups before leaving the house. I decided to go to the Gay Men’s group even though I was kind of tired. I realized that I can’t just sit home and isolate.  I still don’t like taking the small elevator up to the 9^th floor because of my claustrophobia but oh well. It was a smaller group tonight and the meeting was on politics since the 4^th is this weekend.  The Senate passed Trumps “Big Beautiful Bill” with Vance breaking the tie. I knew it would pass because the Senate Republicans are cowards  and kowtow to Trump on every issue. Now it goes back to the House where Republicans hold the majority and unless some deflect it will pass.                

The meeting was lively as politics can be and I said I was a Yellow Dog Democrat. Dwright Wood and I got into a lively discussion as he kind of expressed what Jim Rieger did to me years ago that the image of feminine Gays kept him from coming out  while  I expressed I thought it was societies homophobia that internalized that in us. Oh well

                Came back home by 8:30 and walked the pups as Adrian had a gentleman caller and had shut the pups in my room.

                After I came back home and went to bed, and Adrian’s liaison left, he came in to talk to me because I think he’s really sad that Kyle is going to be gone for months. Jack sure has become possessive of me. When I first got him he would nip at me but now he is my protector. When Adrian came to me while I was laying down he nipped at him to stay away from me. He even is jealous of TJ and made him go around the bed to jump up.

 2 July 2025 Wednesday

First day without Kyle here. I guess I will get used to it.  Went to the store to buy some ice and items for Adrian although he is off until Saturday. I got an email to print out payroll  from Kyle yesterday so I guess besides going shopping with the manager I will be responsible for pulling out cash again for payroll now that Kyle switched to Canyon Credit Union instead of Wells Fargo.  That really makes me anxious as it triggers all the memories of having to do Payroll when Kyle was deficit and I had to pull thousands of dollars from my own account to make sure everyone got paid. That was so traumatic to go to do payroll and find Kyle had no money in his account.

                Anyway it was a hot day but a cool front blew in that brought in a huge wind storm.  So it was the pups and me for most of the day as Adrian was at work and then went to the gym in the afternoon. My new added routine is now going downstairs to pet and feed Persephone now that she’s alone. She won’t come up stairs because of the pups and I don’t blame her.

                I saw a post from Dan Fahndrich that TJ Otaka and Jim McMillan are with him touring England and Debbie Rosenberg has been posting pictures of her trip to Italy.

                I think I could almost stop posting for a while now as in July one day seems the same as another. Thursdays will just be busy with shopping for the kitchen and doing payroll. Also tomorrow TJ and Taco will  go get their nails trimmed.

                There is so much hate in America these days with firefighters being shot in Idaho, legislators in Minnesota, Senate passing the Project 2025 Bill, Florida building Alligator Alcatraz, and the Gestapo kidnapping people off the street and evil people cheering it.   

3 July 2025 Thursday

Well it was a very busy day as I predicted with a lot of driving around and shopping. At 11:30 I went to Canyon Credit Union on 5^th South and was relieved that there was money to cover the nearly $3500 in payroll for the 7 people still employed by Kyle. The manager Kael was the major portion of that. Ruth Valderrama Leon was working  alone.  I intended to bring Milagros, Johana, and Yolanda’s checks to them at Johanna’s apartment but no one answered so i went back to Bewilder to meet Kael Lopez Ceja the manager at 1.  He thought we might need two cars although I knew we didn’t so we rode separately to Restaurant Depot to shop. It wasn’t terribly busy but it took about an hour for Kael to find stuff on his own although I did help where we could. We spent about $650 there and loaded everything into my FIT so I think he realized then that we really never need two vehicles. I met him back at Bewilder, unloaded then went together to the Chef Store. We were able to get most of what we needed except they didn’t have a bread delivery and so they only had 1 package of hamburger buns. It was getting after 3 when we arrived back at Bewilder and  I said that I had to take my pups to the groomers at 4.

I took TJ and Taco in to have their nails clipped at Pet Smart and  what a circus TJ screamed like a banshee like he always does but Taco who is usually good, kept trying to bite the groomer and a cone of shame had to be placed on him. I was so humiliated.  I made an appointment for August 15 a Friday at 9:30 to have their nails clipped again.

After dropping the brats back home I had to go to Smith’s to get hamburger buns so I went to the one on 5^th East and 5^th South because I also had to go to Harmons to get bratwurst. At smith’s I had to get 7 and luckily that is how many they had and they were all on sale by a $1.50 so good deal. I saw that they had apricots there and they looked ripe so I put a package in the cart. At self-checkout I discovered that my Smith’s card was missing but this helping employee put in his so I got the discount. I was so flustered that when I left the store I realized that I hadn’t scanned the apricots so I in effect unintentionally shop lifted. I figured that kind of makes up for the $20 Smith stole from me at the gas pump a year or more ago. LOL.

From there it was off to Harmons where I bought $135 worth of brats and I also bought some Chinese food at their buffet. I figured Kyle owed me for all the running around and gas I spent and will spend every Thursday from now on  for 3 months.

At Bewilder Milagros and Yolanda were working. After giving Yolanda a hug, not sure why I didn’t Milagros I finally was able to come home. I was exhausted but had to take the pups for their second walk.

Adrian said he wants to cook a 4^th of July dinner here tomorrow. Last year Kyle had the entire family over for a BBQ and a swimming party. I look at the back patio now with the huge pool brownish green from stagnant water and weeds growing up against the fence line. Kind of sad after Kyle I know spent at least a $1000 or more on the shindig. This year the area looks forlorn and abandoned.

In the news Fascism arrived officially today with the passage in the House of Donald Trumps’s Project 2025 Billionaire Bill. Congress basically abdicated its authority to the executive branch. Unless there is a people revolution the America I once knew is over.

Only three Republicans, Rand Paul, Thom Tillis, and Susan Collins voted against adding 3 trillion to the debt and taking Medicaid from  the millions of  Americans. All 47 Senate Democrats voted against the bill. Every other Republican voted yes on the Project 2025 Bill disguised as a fiscal bill with Vice President JD Vance breaking the 50-50 tie.

Utah's Mormon Sens. Mike Lee and John Curtis' votes for the 'Big Beautiful Bill,' narrowly secured Donald Trump's domestic policy agenda in the U.S. Senate

If just one other Republican like Lisa Murkowski  of Alaska who originally said she wouldn't vote for the bill would have had the courage to oppose Trump the bill would not have passed.

The House on Thursday passed massive bill that included trillions of dollars in tax and spending cuts while ramping up funding for defense and implementing the administration's immigration agenda. The lower chamber voted 218 to 214 to approve the measure, with two Republicans — Reps. Thomas Massie of Kentucky and Brian Fitzpatrick of Pennsylvania — joining all Democrats in opposing the bill. Every Republican voted for fiscal reasons not humanitarian ones.

Every American who votes Republican from now on in any election is a collaborator with the Billionaire Fascist movement which wants to destroy Democracy and the safety network that  President FDR and successive Democrats have put in place. I can go to my grave knowing I never betrayed my country for the price of eggs. 

4 July 2025 Friday

                I was up all night at various times having to pee. I woke up at 4 and stayed up until 5:30 reading Facebook posts before going back to sleep where I had the strangest dreams about being with Curtis Jensen and others in a strange city attending a 4^th of July celebration with marching soldiers painted to look wooden and dumb Mormon women were not getting out of their way and those who were sitting on chair near us started singing I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy born on the 4^th of July. Afterwards attended a huge spread of cornbread, fried chicken and hams while Curtis and the other person wandered off to head over to see where the Transgender hang out saying they really know their stuff. As I had come with them and didn’t know where they were I kept trying to text them but it was like I was writing on fabric.  I then asked this cute black cop where was I and he pointed me to the Metro station and then I suddenly woke up. Happy 4^th of July.

                I didn’t feel well for much of the day, kind of dizzy but it didn’t stop me from walking the pups and helping  Yolanda clean the house for Adrian’s 4^th of July dinner he had this evening. This morning I even went to Lucky’s because Adrian wanted to have asparagus  for his dinner and he couldn’t find any yesterday when he went shopping. That was the only time I left the house today.

                I took two naps  once with the pups and a later one with Persephone downstairs where I kind of was woken by the sound of rain. I guess it really poured while I was out of it.

                The house was filled with Shekira and other Latin performers that Adrian had blasting  so I guess I am multi-cultural now in my old age.

                When it had finished raining I took the pups for a walk as it was clearing up and folks were already setting off fireworks which made the pups, especially Lucy, skittish especially the ones that popped like gunfire or a cannon.  Tutu and her friend Katrina arrived at the house just as I was leaving with the pups. They brought a small bag of fireworks also to set off on the driveway..  I thought more of the family was coming but it was actually just Adrian, Yolanda, Chuito, the two girls and me.  A far cry from last year’s fiesta BBQ but It was nice. I just learned that Jesus, Johanna’s husband had broken his arm a while back and had rods put in his hand from surgery the other day.  That shows how little I know any more about what is going on.

However I had  a nice dinner even drinking Sangria which will probably knock me out. It was a true 4th of July with my Columbia immigrant family. Adrian prepared Asparagus and corn, while Yolanda made some delicious  flavored arroz, and I guess Adrian had Luis Negron make a huge roasted pork. We will be eating that for days.

I talked to Kyle twice when he called. Once to say he had an adventure when on a rural road some police pulled him over basically looking for a bribe. He managed to go on without having to pay one. Later he called and said that the town he was having his meeting in was not the best nor the hotel which was kind of dirty. He also said  he was tired of the huge Mexican meals and can’t wait to get back to Mexico City for a bed and breakfast place where he can cook his own food of lighter fare.

Well its Independence Day 2025 and even though I went to bed at 10 the pups huddled with me as the neighborhood became a war zone.

Our founding document said ALL  are created Equal not just Americans born in the colonies and are  endowed with unalienable rights of LIFE Liberty and the Pursuit of happiness while the Republican Fascist Party build concentration camps in Florida swamps ... unalienable for the MAGA  morons means they cannot be taken away by any means or circumstances. They are Human Rights ...  I weep for America once home of the Brave but now home of masked gestapo kidnappers and ruled by sociopaths 

5 July 2025 Saturday

The days are now becoming uneventful to write about.  Adrian was at work and Yolanda and Chuito left this afternoon. I was a lone for most of the day, not interested in doing yard work or house cleaning. Not really interested in eating.  The only difference in my routine is now spending some time with Persephone as she is lonesome I can tell.   I am spending a lot of my time adding November 1987 from my journal to my Blog Ben Edgar Williams Journals of a Gay Activist. So many memories of people long gone and a time long gone.

6 July 2025 Sunday

I can almost write ditto as the only difference was that when I was up at 4:30 to fix Adrian his breakfast, before I could he came into the kitchen and said I needn’t bother as he was not going into work today so I tried going back to sleep.  He slept in until the afternoon so I was by myself for most of the day He then went off somewhere and later asked me to take the pups into the bedroom with me because he was having a “gentleman caller over” which is my euphemism for having a trick come over to fuck him.  He’s young and I am happy for him. I had my share when I was sexually active. Kyle called to check in saying that he changed his accommodation because where he was seemed dirty. He said he’s at a place with a view of the sea but the service there was extremely slow.  The main news is the flash flooding in Texas which came without warning because the Monsters in the Trump regime defunded and fired the federal weather people who could have predicted the storm.  Over 70 people perished even a camp full of young girls.               

7 July 2025 Monday

I was dreaming of being at Cypress College telling a group of young people how Cypress looked when I was a student there.  The place was in ruins. I wonder what that was all about. Adrian went to work so I was up at 4:30 to fix him his breakfast to go.  Kyle has been gone a week now.

                Kael the Bewilder manager called me to go shopping as tomorrow they have an event for 75 people and he wanted to make sure he had enough product on hand. When I arrived he was interviewing a gal as that Juliana Mazo Jaramillo was fired for always being late or not coming in. So I went with Kael to Restaurant depot and to the Chef Store but they still hadn’t the potato buns that Kyle wants for the kitchen. Since I had to go get Brats at Harmon I told Kael I will just go to Smith’s and buy what was needed. I spent nearly 3 hours running around today.  Kyle called me when I texted him that I was shopping with Kael and said that I should call him first if I am asked to go shopping other than on Thursdays. Any way I was back home around 3 and Adrian was home but he didn’t say a word to me all day. I am not sure why. I know he’s not mad or anything. Why should he be? Anyway I returned Jim Dabakis phone call and he just wanted some information from history of Deeda Seed’s nondiscrimination ordinance which was repealed by Bryce Jolley back in the 1990’s. We visited a bit and he said he was enjoying being back in Salt Lake.

                Other than those things there was nothing more to write about of my day. In the news over 80 people were killed so far in Texas flooding as they were not warned due to the DOGE cuts to weather services and  in Los Angeles there was a show of force of ICE Stormtroopers and the military at McArthur Park with the Mayor of the city having to go and demand that they leave as they were there mostly as a photoshop political event

8 July 2025 Tuesday

This morning I decided that it was time to stop looking like a homeless person and get groomed. However I didn’t want to pay $40 for a haircut and beard trim so  I drove down to the Barber College on 72^nd and State Street in Midvale.  I used to go there years ago before they had mostly females who I just didn’t like the way they cut my hair and I guess my own Gay prejudices about a female being that personal with me.  Anyway my barber was named Paul and he did a wonderful job and said he was glad that my beard was so long as it actually made it easier to cut and style. When he was finished I made another appointment with him for August  in a month. The total cost was $14 but I added $5 to the bill. Actually I think getting a trim was good for my mental  health to care about my appearance as I know Bill really let himself go when he was in his decline.

                There’s an Arctic Circle across the street so I decided to get some lunch as it after 11 and I had been up since 4:40 fixing Adrian his breakfast. I had a Taco Salad and a raspberry shake. I hadn’t had an Arctic Circle Taco Salad probably in more than 25 years. Back then they were like $4.00 and today with the shake it was like $11.   While at Arctic Circle I thought about visiting Alan Anderson but instead just called him and we visited a bit just to check in on each other. I couldn’t finish all of my salad but put a good dent into it before going over to Savers a thrift store that I used to go to all the time. The quality of the merchandize seemed a bit more selective than Deseret Industries but the prices were much higher also. I bought two sporty fedora hats for $8 that I think look kind of nice on me and more mature than just ball caps.

Anyway today was another expensive day because of Kyle’s stupid actions. He calls me and says that the cashier check he made for Ruth’s payroll couldn’t be cashed as that the name she is using she has no documentation for. He knew that she didn’t have a bank account and why he made out a cashier check instead of giving her the cash was plain stupidity.  He asked me to take the cashier check from her and go to Canyon Credit union to see if it could be deposited into  the business account. I always fainted when the check was for $1200. I first went to America First to withdraw that amount from my savings to be able to give her cash and then went to Canyon and I was told they couldn’t accept the cashier check. I called Kyle that I couldn’t deposit the cashier check but had the cash to pay her and he acted pissed off that I did that saying it was her fault for not giving him the correct the name and I was pissed that he wasn’t letting me handle it myself. I said she must be paid as she is too good of a worker to stiff her  but we compromised and I deposited the cash into Canyon and he said he would transfer the money to her. How I have no idea but it still upsets me that he allowed this to happen at all.  I am always cleaning up his messes.

When I came back to the house Persephone was crying so I went in and laid down with her on Kyle’s bed. I stroked her and too a quick nap with her curled up next to me. Cats get lonesome  also.

Any way I went to the men’s group tonight and I hate the old rickety elevator you have to take to the 9^th Floor of the McIntyre building which was having issues.  I also parked in the underground parking for the first time, which was a little anxious trying to figure that all out. The meeting was good and perhaps I talked too much maybe because I have no one to talk with anymore. I found out that Dwight Wood is 83 years old and absolutely doesn’t look it. He has money and perhaps can afford to look well kept.

                It was a warm summer day hovering between 99 and 100. I walked the pups and tried to keep them on the grass or on the sidewalks that were shaded by trees but still I was carry to watch for being over heated. I read a report that owning dogs reduced by 40 percent the chance of getting dementia, especially walking them. Hope that is true.

MAGA People seem to confuse Nationalism with Patriotism and  with social nationalism. The MAGA Volk Fascists are attempting to bring about the Fourth Reich in America. Führer Trumpf's Gruppenführer, Stephen Miller, has authorized his SS-Aufseherinnen, Kristi Noem, to operate without civil restraints.  She has given  her "Border Czar" Thomas Homan  the authority of “preventive to arrest,” of so called illegal enemies of the state and his actions are  not subject to judicial appeal. Herr Homan has authorized his Schutzstaffe Ice Agents, and his paramilitary Sicherheitsdienst to wear masks like the KKK to hide their identities.  Such cowards as they know what they are doing is evil. Concentration camps in Florida and abduction sweeps in Los Angeles and Orange County to terrorize the population. What is next? The MAGA Volk's Einsatzgruppen extermination squads? While children drowned in Texas due to the MAGA Volk's eliminating departments of weather, they found 40 billion to fund the elimination of Latino Children born in American to immigrant parents.  Fascism in Germany was funded by the Krupp family and other industrialists. Fascism in America is funded by Billionaire capitalists and Corporate CEO's.

Yep what a Christian Nation.               The ICE Gestapo have been raiding Orange County as well as Los Angeles but have met with protests and some resistance. Even Nazis got due process at Nuremberg something that MAGA monsters deny hard working Latino immigrants just kidnapping them off the streets without warrants and wearing masks to hide their crimes.

 

Schutzstaffe, Sicherheitsdienst, Gruppenführer The Gestapo operated without civil restraints. It had the authority of “preventive arrest,” and its actions were not subject to judicial appeal. Einsatzgruppen 

9 July 2025 Wednesday

This used to be a special day for me but not so much anymore. I fixed Adrian his breakfast this morning and stayed inside mostly adding my journals to my blog

10 July 2025 Thursday

Even though I could sleep  in I woke up at 4 and just tried to sleep some more before finally getting up and fixing some breakfast of pancakes. Kyle sent me the payroll list and thank God there was enough money in the account to pay everyone however when I went with Kael to Restaurant Depot the business card was declined so I paid $170 off of my own money.  Then Kael said that the drains at the Kitchen were backed up and everything is a mess there as dishes can’t be done until someone comes out to fix them. I am so tired of this all as I never signed up for all of this.

                The nation has turned into a police state. The state of America becoming fascist is no accident Republican priorities, tax cuts for the wealthiest,  40 billion dollars for a national secret police, cuts to  health care, women's reproductive rights, all social safety net programs, FEMA, birthright citizenship, demonizing Latinos, and promoting Christian White Supremacy. When will Republicans stop the hate? Ice is in Utah we need to organize. Even Nazis got due process at Nuremberg something that MAGA monsters deny hard working Latino immigrants just kidnapping them off the streets without warrants and wearing masks to hide their crimes.

11 July 2025 Friday

Kyle called and said he should be coming home on the 20^th. Today is Yolanda Perez 66^th birthday. She wanted to work tonight so Adrian and I didn’t do anything.  There was a dead mouse downstairs in the trap. Gruesome as it was smashed. The Epstein List disappeared like Trumps Ear Wound. MAGA is going nuts over it.

12 July 2025 Saturday

Continued working on posting my Journals on my Blogspot mostly working on reconstruction what I could remember from 1969 and what I could find in newspapers about Rancho and Cypress.  At 3 I dropped Jack off at PetSmart to get groomed. It really tugged at my heart seeing him look at me as I left him there. I know he thinks I am abandoning him which I will never do until he or I croak.  I have grown fond of him and he’s attached to me just like TJ.  I had to take Jack to the beauty parlor as he was looking pretty scruffy. It was the first time I took him so I wasn't sure how he would behave. The groomer said when I picked him up at 5:30 that he was pretty good until she was doing a hygiene clean up and they had to put the cone of shame on him as he was getting nippy. The gal suggested I do some butt play with him so he won't be so sensitive lol I don't think so as I am not  into bestiality. Not that I am prude but rather stay with my own species. Adrian had his “friend” Alejandro over for a romp today. Adrian said he likes this guy and he really likes Adrian but Adrian doesn’t want a relationship or boyfriend right now.  He told me the other day that he’d like to get Gabriel on at Newrest and he’s the only one of his family that he is interested in helping as he is such a kind sweet boy. I guess he has his work permit now which is great. I really think a lot of Gabriel too as he is such a sensitive kid and takes care of his grandmother and Chuito a lot. In the evening Kael from bewilder called and asked me to go get some hamburger meet. I had to go to Smiths because the Restaurant Depot was closed by then. The other day I bought some BBQ ribs at Smiths and I cooked them today for Adrian and me for our supper.  It was warm today in mid to high 90s.

                The felon wants to strip Rosie O’Donnell of her citizenship because she is mean to him. He’s gone completely off his rocker. 

13 July 2025 Sunday

I spent much of the day on the computer putting pictures from my files onto my journal blogs from the 1950’s. Yolanda and Chuito was here for much of the day and Adrian later took them to dinner someplace for her birthday, which was the other day.

I barely made it to Restaurant depot to get some product that Kael need for Bewilder before it closed at 4. I spent $120 there of my own money and over at Chef Store another $20 on buns. Kyle only had $80 in the business account until more money comes in.

The Traitor  John Wilkes Booth assassinated an American  Patriot while a year ago a deluded Crook tried to "unalive" a real crook and traitor. Kind of Ironic. The world would have been a better place today if Thomas Matthew Crook  had taken better firearm lessons.

I wonder how the family of Corey Comperatore, feels today knowing they would still have a father if he hadn't been supporting a fascist tyrant?

 It's a miracle isn't it that the felon's ear has grown back without a scar and that he was brave enough to strike a defiant pose to cheer his white supremacist disciples at the rally.

With his own billions, the Felon set up a Go-Fund account to compensate Comperatore's family wherein his MAGA cultist raised $6 million for them.  That was more than the fire chief could have made in his life time and his life insurance would have paid out. You think the felon ever paid a dime of his own to these MAGA idolators for giving up their lives for their Messiah? No I can guarantee he hasn't given them a second thought because he too busy trying to take citizenship status from American born Rosie O'Donnell.

The sum of  $3 million paid by tax payers to the family of the female traitor who was killed storming the capitol on January 6th seems paltry in comparison. But then she was a woman and can't expect to be paid as much as a man doing the same job according to Republican logic.

A seven foot  680 pounds gold-painted bronze atop a granite pedestal likeness depicts Dementia Don holding a Make America Great Again hat, with his fist raised in the now-infamous "fight, fight, fight" stance from the July 13 assassination attempt in Butler, Pennsylvania.  It was Created by a lunatic who told Newsweek that the Orange Grifter is "on an incredibly divine path unlike anyone else on earth, to shine the light on American exceptionalism at the highest level." The monstrous monument is at Trump's International Golf Course in West Palm Beach, Florida so you can't go piss on it.

Christian Nationalists' Bible  are putting Latinos in a Concentration Camp in Florida and saying let the Alligators and Pythons at them. Ironic that a Jew Stephen Miller is the mastermind behind the elimination of the Latino children of God from America the land of the free.

There’s No honor among thieves. The current regime is filled with dishonorable acolytes lying through their teeth with White Supremacists lapping up their vomit. I lived through the worse of Vietnam lies and Watergate. This treachery is far worse as back then  some Republicans were honorable and were loyal to the Constitution.

14 July 2025 Monday

I was up by 4:30 to fix Adrian some breakfast and spent much of this hot July doing the same thing as yesterday working on my Blog containing my journals. Yolanda and Chuito left today and when Gabriel came to pick them up he came into the front room to give me a hug and Jack snapped at him as if he was protecting me. I guess the old boy has decided to love me. I watched a lot of episodes of The Residence a Netflix series about a murder in the White House. It’s good but could have been better if they shortened it and not dragged the investigation out with so many red herrings.

                I spent nearly $80 on groceries at the Lucky’s store getting food for Adrian’s breakfast and food for the pups.  Later I had to go get some Drano type clog removeable liquid because the upstairs toilet was clogged. Not sure why maybe Yolanda put something down besides toilet paper but I cleared it. Unpleasant but necessary.

                Around 9:30 Persephone was howling so I went downstairs and she was just lonesome so I petted her and actually fell asleep and noticed she was gone so went back upstairs to join the canine crew in my own bed.

Happy  Bastille Day... back then people who were oppressed by the aristocrats had enough and knew what to do to their oppressors. No need for violence today, maybe, just vote to tax the 1 percent who own more wealth the 90 percent of the rest of us and rid GOP from protecting them and giving them more tax breaks at the expense of the poor.  The French nobility when supposedly told the poor had no bread said for them to eat cake. This Regime today said for Medicare recipients to go work in the fields.  If Billionaires kept 10 percent of their wealth they still would have more than the rest of us.

The decline of America into fascism began in 2016 when the most qualified woman in history was defeated for the presidency by a television scam artist pussy grabbing psychopath 

15 July 2025 Tuesday

I don’t know whether it's been the heat or just the middle of summer but I am in the doldrums with a heavy dose of lethargy ... just want to nap and do nothing.  But the pups want their walks and their homemade supper. Additionally now Persephone howls downstairs if I don't spent some time with her.

The news doesn’t help either with the Republican Crime syndicate building a concentration camp in the swamp called Florida, a 40 billion dollar funded national secret  police to kidnap people without a warrant  or due process, gutting health care, and all  aided and abetted by a third of un-American boot lickers or should I say Proud Boy Jack Boots? All in the name of Jesus and the Mango Messiah

I always had a philosophical and ideological difference with Republicans as my family were FDR Democrats and Unionists. Hell my great grandparents were socialists because they believed in farmer co-ops and the Grange...

Republicans always seemed to me to put financial issues before social issues so while I didn't hate Republicans I thought they'd never have my best interests at heart.

However under Nixon, Reagan, Bush, and now Trump I see how a party that only cares about money, power, and gain has corrupted the so called American values of Eisenhower's Republican Party. The Republican Party is dead. Its Trumps Neo Fascist Chistian Conservative Party who will come after you and me as enemies. They want to turn America into a feudal kingdom controlled by the Church and Kleptocrats.

That is why I despise the GOP of today and the collaborators who empower them to harm working Americans. Democrats are not perfect by any means but at least they have a modicum of empathy which the GOP completely lack. If the problem doesn't affect them personally, then to Republicans it's not a problem.

Funny how impressible we are in our formative years.  In college,  I read best seller Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, a Nazi concentration camp survivor, when I was 19 and subconsciously I think I have lived my entire life by this precept. 

Now that I am towards the end of my life I can look back and say my life had meaning as a Gay activist and school teacher in Red State conservative Utah. We don't always pick our battles, sometimes they pick us.

John Lewis once said, "Get in good trouble, necessary trouble, and help redeem the soul of America,"

16 July 2025 Wednesday

I went shopping with Kael today since Kyle asked me to. We didn’t go until almost 3 so it was almost 6:30 before I came home. Kael and I were done around 4:30 but I had to go to Smith’s to get buns and then to Harmon’s for sausages.  It was super-hot about 101 degrees. I was tired when done as I had been up since 4:30 this morning. I don’t know if it’s just mid-July or what but I have no appetite. Persephone was covered with burrs and stickers so I had to spend some time pulling them out of her fur.

Mormon policy makers take every opportunity to criticize and deride homosexuality but not a peep is heard from the top about the White House's occupant's ICE blatant ethnic cleansing.  I guess kidnapping Latinos and their children aren't  moral issue within the Mormon church nor to its Republican MAGA sycophants and evidently to 67 percent of Utahns.  How screwed up is a people who won't speak out  against  a pedophile adulterous felon's contempt for the Constitution they claim is divinely inspired.

17 July 2025 Thursday

Only thing I did was go to the Brickyard Harmon to get some more sausages and marble rye bread for Bewilder. That whole area of 33^rd South and 13^th east is a traffic mess with all the lane closures and repairs.  After dropping the items off to Ruth at Bewilder I went to Walmart to get some treats for the pups because I ran out this morning. I also bought another brown mustard colored rug for the bathroom and also a watermelon. In the news CBS decided to end The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, and with it, the late night franchise as a whole. Some say it was because Colbert criticized CBS for caving into Trumps lawsuit.  Heard singer Connie Francis died today. I think she was 87. She was very popular in the early 1960’s.  I started working on my 1977 journal since I can’t find that I had already copied the manuscript anyway.  It’s almost like reading about someone else as I am not that 25 year old person in the least.  I saw that it was about 102 degrees today.

At this point is Criminal in Chief gaslighting or simply has dementia? He criticized Biden for nominating Jerome Powell when it was he who did during his first term. Either way Republicans goose step to his every delusion. Trump is livid that his MAGA supporters are turning on him because his administration won’t release the Epstein files when he promised he would.

18 July 2025 Friday

 I slept in until 8 after some very strange dream. However I got up to walk the pups before it got hot. Actually it was just warm and not a scorcher like yesterday. So I spent about two hours pulling weeds from the parking strip and doing some yard work and watering. I stopped at noon just exhausted. I just can’t do all that I used to do.  I have no idea what Kyle is doing about payroll and I had him call me back but he was so indefinite about it that it concerned me. He said I shouldn’t stress about it but How can I not? It’s not like he has a track record of being straight with me. But there’s nothing more I can do. I think it’s time to either stay with Bewilder and concentrate on that or give it up.  Yolanda came over  with Adrian after grocery shopping. Adrian seems happy.

Roy Cohn was Donald Trump’s personal lawyer. Roy Cohn was also S.I. Newhouse best friend who was owner of Vanity Fair and GQ. Newhouse convinced Trump to write Art of the Deal which was ghost written actually which propelled Trump into the national spot like Hill Billy Elegy did JD Vance.

Steve Rubell of Studio  54 had as  his lawyer Roy Cohn also. Rubell thew Cohn an extravagant birthday party in 1972. Revelers included everyone from Andy Warhol's factory fixtures to Cohn's longtime friend/ beard, Barbara Walters, Bianca Jagger, Halston, Margaret Trudeau, Donald Trump, newbie Chuck Schumer, Si Newhouse, and a throng of politicians and judges. 'If  you're indicted, you're invited!' joked a guest.

 Years later Donald Trump would recall his time at Studio 54, 'I would watch supermodels getting screwed, well-known supermodels getting screwed on a bench in the middle of the room. There were seven of them and each one was getting screwed by a different guy'

This is MAGA's Messiah. 

19 July 2025 Saturday

From July 3 to Aug. 11, the star Sirius, is the brightest star in the sky, also known as  the dog star, it is the brightest star in the constellation Canis Major, the greater dog.  Hence the dog days of summer...

I spent much of the day adding the year 1977 to by Journal Blogspot. I was surprised that  I hadn’t transcribed it before anywhere. It was the year I married Fran Fuchs and it was a difficult read as it was a difficult and confusing time in my life living an unauthentic life

                Yesterday Adrian must have pulled all the weeds along the west fence in the back yard because there was a pile of refuse on the patio. I decided that I had to do something about the filthy stagnant water in the pool so I bailed out some of the water to pour over the pink rose bush outside of Kyle’s window and pulled the tarp cover and ladder out as the water had evaporated enough so I could reach them. They were both covered in scum. Yuck.

It was probably not the smartest thing to do but I mowed the front yard and south parking strip in the heat of the afternoon sun but my yard will look nice for my wake. I finally paid a $240  bill that Towne Dentist sent me for having a tooth pulled last January. At the time they said that my Medicare supplement paid for all of it but evidently it didn’t. I still haven’t heard a thing from Kyle. He could be dead or kidnapped in Mexico far as I know. I need to call Mike Romero also as I haven’t heard from him in a while either.

                Adrian got really dressed up almost like in a tuxedo and went out somewhere tonight. He didn’t tell me where or did I ask. I was already in bed when he left the house.

Heard some good news that those illegally detained in El Salvador prison by Noem and Trump were released to Venezuela. However It’s not clear to me whether they were freed in South America. 

20 July 2025 Sunday

I had the strangest dream this morning that stayed with me all day. I dreamed I went back to Papi’s to look around at it having been abandoned and closed up. I went inside and was looking at things left behind although I knew nothing really was. It made me sad yet seemed like a premonition almost. I hadn’t heard a word from Kyle since Thursday when he told me to hold off on doing payroll as he wanted to talk to Kael first. I had messaged him a few times about Sal Mora who needed to talk to him but I heard nothing back. Because of Kyle’s past behavior leaving often to pick up the pieces when he disappears I had been anxious for two days but also knew there was nothing I could do if Kyle went missing.

                Adrian didn’t come home until around 2 this morning so it was hard getting him up to go to work while I fixed his breakfast but he did. Later in the day, Gabriel brought Chuito and Yolanda to the house. I had no idea whether she had been paid or not yet.

                I called Mike Romero finally as I hadn’t heard anything from him for nearly a month.  I guess he’s been home since June 30^th but was decompressing from being worn down from the trip to Denver. He said that this will probably be his last trip to go see his brother’s family there as its too hard on him and Denver is like a nightmare.

Finally Kyle text me back after I sent a message asking what time he was coming in. He said he would call me from the airport around 5.  Finally at 5 he called but not from the airport but from in front of the house. He had taken an uber home rather than having me come get him. He said it’s because he had so many suitcases  but actually I think he was slightly guilty over his neglect of me for the past few days. He was glad to be home I know and I was happy that Yolanda was here to greet him. Adrian was still asleep when Kyle went in and woke him. They later went off to a movie together. I was too antsy so I went out front and trimmed way back the overgrown forsythia bush. It was still quite warm out but I needed to be doing something. Kyle says he will be home for two weeks before having to go back to Mexico. I don’t know how to tell him that I want to be done with Bewilder. I can’t handle the stress of it when he’s gone.   I went to bed around 9:30 worn out myself.

I find it shocking that 56 years ago we went to the moon and now half of Americans either don't trust science or don't believe in science, but only in a book written over 2500 years ago and modified countless times over the centuries. I was 18 years old on the cusp between childhood and adult hood  and never thought in my old age I'd see concentration camps in the United States.  Democrats brought us moon landings with JFK and LBJ's New Frontier and Great Society. Republicans brought us Trickle Down Economics, MAGA, concentration camps and Gestapo raids.  Don't you dare tell me they are the same

Am I the only one that sees Donald Trump in the middle of a Venn Diagram of three circles one label Demonic, one label dumb and the other Dementia?

21 July 2025 Monday

I had kind of a restless night trying to get comfortable with four dogs stretched out in the bed and getting pissed off if they are touched. Adrian came upstairs around 3 this morning so he must have slept downstairs with Kyle.  I was up around 4:15 to start fixing Adrian his breakfast and waking him up at 5 to make sure he wasn’t late for work.

 

Kyle was gone all day and I never saw him once. I spent a lot of the day typing up my Journal from 1977 and 1978 when I was in the Mormon Cult. It’s part of my formative history so I can’t just pretend it never happened.

My mind wanders as I wonder that if Southerners would not have invaded the province of Tejas to expand Slavery and if the United States would not have stolen the northern lands of the Mexican Republic, being born near Lubbock,  I would have been a Mexican citizen instead of an American. Borders are stupid

22 July 2025 Tuesday

 TJ and Lucy got into a bit of a scuffle this morning but  no major damage. Then Kyle asked if I wanted to go with him this morning about 9:30, which I did but first had to walk the pups. He needed to get some croutons for Bewilder and while out he dropped some news on me that he’s been offered a high paying job in Mexico different from the Chinese offer.  He said he has to have time to think about it.  I won’t think about it until I see it happen.  I am not sure what I will do and wait to cross that bridge later.  He did tell me that Gabriel was hired on at Newrest and he started today. I am so happy for that kid and I hope it works out for him. When he took me home we first stopped to get me a drink at what used to be Exxon but is now Common Cents only. So lots of changes this summer.  After Kyle dropped me off he left again and shortly after being home I hear a knock on the door and when I looked out the window it was the police. Holy Shit! I thought what now. He wasn’t in a police uniform but just had a patch that said police. I don’t ever answer the door if I can help it as no one ever comes over to visit anymore. Besides, as far as I know, it could be ICE agents since the Villalobos crew at one time or another has used my address. Anyway I called Kyle and he said that there is no reason the police should be looking for him but who knows? While walking the pups by Carlos corner on Niles, he said that two of his chickens were stolen and asked if  our cameras picked up anything but they didn’t.  Michael Aaron messaged me some private news that he doesn’t want people to know about yet that he’s been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He’s at least 15 years younger than me.  I decided to go to the Gay Men’s Support Group tonight even though I hate the small elevator  that takes one to the 9^th floor. There were about 12 of us there and we had a good discussion about mainly being people pleasers from bad experiences with our fathers when children.  In the news Ozzie Osborne of Black Sabbath has passed away. I never was a fan of heavy metal but I am sure many are sad today. 

23 July 2025 Wednesday

When Kyle came home he sat with me in the front room and said after visiting with the Mexican Consul he said they couldn’t see any reason to keep him from accepting a job in Mexico. So if the offer still holds he said he probably will be moving to Mexico. He wants me to move with him and I am considering it as I really have nothing holding me here but memories. So we discussed certain scenarios about what a move would look like whether to sell the house or rent it out if I leave. My preference would be to rent it to Adrians family as they live in an apartment now but who knows. I would have to get a passport to go to Mexico and if I stayed any length of time after that, I would have to have residency somehow.  Everything I have here in Salt Lake are material things that I would have to leave behind when I pass away any way.  Kyle said I was his only family and as far as I am concerned so is he  even if he’s a rogue. I would miss Adrian for sure but he is young, has his family here in Salt Lake now and will be just fine. He told me that today was Gabriel’s first day at Newrest and he will have the same days off.  Kyle registered the Ford work truck and is looking at a place that would sell it on assignment. Also he started talking to Cody about what will happen with Bewilder because he will let it go if he takes the job in Mexico.

 I really need to think about all the details of moving from the United States although I wouldn’t give up my citizenship but what does it matter where I end my days. I know I would be leaving Michael Romero behind also, which would be hard to do. 

24 July 2025 Thursday

 I slept in because I didn’t have to get up to fix Adrian his breakfast. I had strange dreams about telling Melissa Sillitoe and Jim Dabakis that Michael Aaron has cancer. It didn’t seem like a special holiday at all. It may be my last Pioneer Day in Utah. This morning Kyle asked me to go with him to Smith’s to get some milk and cereal so I did. It sounds like he may be leaving at least by next Wednesday as he has to be down in Mexico for a meeting on August 4^th and it will take at least 4 days for him to drive down to where he needs to be. It’s just hitting me that my world is about to be turned upside down again. Today was Adrian’s day off. He said he managed to  get Gabriel to have the same days off so they can go to work together. I am not complaining but I haven't heard any fire crackers or works during the day as that  on the 4th they were going on all day. None were really going off until after 8:30 and very few. It's the quietest 24th I have heard in a long time. Adrian was gone in the evening and I didn’t  see Kyle so not sure what others were doing.  I cut up and cooked up a large pork loin for the pups suppers which is about all the excitement I had today. Even though Its Pie and Beer day I had neither.  Pioneer Day at Liberty Park once used to be fun and its where a 25 year old blue eyed blond boy riding a bike and wearing cut off jean shorts caught my eye and I fell in Love.

Everyone who claim descent from the Mayflower Pilgrims had illegal undocumented ancestors with no legal authority from the King to be here. In fact they drew up the Mayflower Compact because they had no legal authority to be here. They were fleeing persecution. Weird that illegal immigrants created the first founding documents of self-determination. America is a "White Christian Nation" built on genocide of indigenous people, human trafficking of Africans, and the theft of Northern Mexico but MAGA White Supremacists wants the Epstein files released but not our history so we can learn from it and live up to our creed that all people not just whites are created equal.  Weird.

25 July 2025 Friday

When I went over to visit with Mike Romero today on Redwood Road outside the Grove Apartments there were 2 fire trucks and about 4 cop cars, ambulances  and other emergency vehicles. There must have been a fire or something but I never found out what. I went over to Mikes to let him know what is going on with Kyle and me. I actually was reticent to tell him as I didn’t know who he would take it, fearing he might feel being abandoned. Instead he was excited saying that I have been trapped here for most of my retirement and moving to Queretaro, Mexico sounded like a good thing. We actually watched a few YouTube videos of Santiago Queretaro which more or less relieved a lot of my concerns about moving to Mexico. Mike told me what I needed to do to get a passport which I need to start thinking about getting. Well that’s out of the way and knowing Mike would be ok with me leaving and either selling or renting the house out which is what I’d rather do. Poor Coco’s bump is nearly the size of the rest of her body.  I know Mike is just not ready to let her go. For both their sakes I hope she just passes away like Buster, Lulubelle, and Maxx did.  We also talked about our property tax assessment that came and other utilities. My water bill for last month was $135 of which only $40 was actually water usage. My house was appraised at $423,000 compared to last years  $371,500. Mike’s property decreased by about $80. The house may be worth even more as the downstairs is like a mother-in-law apartment and we turned the upstairs back into 3 bedrooms.

                I didn’t see Kyle any today and Adrian was in his room for much of the day. He went out as I was heading for bed and he said he was taking tomorrow off so I wouldn’t have to get up early to fix any breakfast. All that is on Facebook news is how the Colbert Late Night show was cancelled by CBS to appease Donald Trump so Paramount could merge with another corporation. Also South Park lambasted Trump with a parody showing him with a  tiny dick and wanting sex with Satan.   It was warm today in the mid-90s which is doable for sure.

26 July 2025 Saturday

Adrian took the day off so I didn’t get up early to fix him breakfast. I typed up my 1978 Journal some more when Fran and I lived out in Grantsville. While I enjoyed having a partner in some ways and social normality I was basically sublimating my true feelings and Isolating myself.  Especially once I knew that marriage didn’t not cure my homosexuality as I was assured it would by the Mormon Church authorities. I am finding it’s difficult to relive this time in my life. In the afternoon Kyle asked if I wanted to go get some something to eat with him so I did. I also wanted to let him know that Michael Romero was okay with me going to live in Mexico. Kyle was nearly as surprised as I was. We went to Chipotle

n Bountiful and Kyle bought our lunches. Kyle said that rather than Queretaro he was considering buying a house in the town of San Miguel de Allende, in Guanajuato, Mexico about an hour to the north as there are many American ex-patriates there and a retired Gay community. He showed me pictures and it sounds like it might be a better fit for me as I grow older and perhaps less isolated. Who knows? It really doesn’t matter as long as I am with Kyle. I still worry about how Adrian will take it with both Kyle and me leaving but hopefully as we want him to continue living here and with his family paying rent he will take it okay but he can be difficult emotionally. I hope by the time we have to tell him perhaps in December he will sufficiently detached from us enough for it to be okay.  I know he cannot travel to Mexico or he would lose his immigration status in the United States and it’s doubtful he would be able to thrive in Mexico.  When I went to bed around 9, I noticed that he brought someone into the house that sounded like he was more of a friend that just a trick. I hope so.

27 July 2025 Sunday

Adrian went back to work today and I never saw Kyle at all  so I was alone almost all day and even when Adrian came home he slept in his own room and I saw him very little.  The other day visiting with Mike he said that Kimberlee Gile was let go from the Title Company she worked at for 16 years without any explanation. He said that Elysse has a super good job and hopefully she can keep them all together. It’s always something.

                Except to walk the pups I didn’t even leave the house today. I am kind of lethargic  knowing that change is coming and I don’t have the energy to care anymore. Mark Twain said that he didn’t fear death as that he had been dead for billions of years before he was born and was never inconvenience by it. I kind of feel the same way now. Moving to Mexico may be my last adventure before death which is the greatest mysterious adventure or respite?

28 July 2025 Monday

Adrian was up way early around 3:00 and showering. Not sure what that was all about . I got up at 4 and started fixing him his breakfast, I noticed that even Kyle left the house at 5. Oh well. I am just an old man that doesn’t need to know what’s going on. When Adrian came home from work he surprised me by greeting me with a kiss on the cheek. Later in the evening I went with Kyle as he wanted some Chinese Food. Kyle said he left early this morning as he had a conference call with the Chinese. It’s weird but now that I have resigned to moving to Mexico the interest of keeping up the yard and even buying anything for the house has vanished. I told Kyle I guess I need to start deciding what to bring to D.I. because I doubt I will take anything with me when or if I go. Knowing that when I die I will leave everything behind but what my spirit takes with me if anything at all makes it easier to start detaching from material possessions that are just dust in the wind anyway.  If spirit is made of energy and energy cannot be destroyed it will be interesting what form my energy will take. Perhaps a blade of grass in the wind. I wonder if reincarnation is true as I doubt whether the resurrection is or this place will be awfully crowded with the billions who have lived and the billions yet to live. 

29 July 2025 Tuesday

 The alarm on my phone woke me up to rise and fix Adrian his breakfast. Yes it’s a chore but one that is done out of love and necessity for having a beautiful young man living in my home in my old age. How lucky I am. The universe and providence has been good to me in my old age. Few in this world is as fortunate as I am. I know that.  I am not ready to grieve about Kyle leaving this Thursday for his new adventures. He said he probably would not return to Salt Lake City until he is settled in Mexico and brings me there which is 6 months away probably. Adrian will still be here I imagine. Change in all the world I see, oh thou who changest not abide with me.

                This morning I went and picked up the forms I need for a passport at the Bountiful post office. It was the first time I ever  thought about getting a passport as I never thought about actually needing one. I was home alone for most of the day and I never saw  Kyle at all. In the evening I went to the Gay men’s support group at the Pride Center riding the rickety elevator to the 9^th floor. I have a mild panic attack each time I get into the elevator that shakes and vibrates  and rattles all the way up.  I take the stairs the 9^th flights down rather than take the elevator that is how much I hate it. Blair led the meeting tonight and when I shared my week I related how anxious but kind of elated about moving to Mexico to be with Kyle. Later a lot of the discussion was  centered on my move. Dwight Wood was excited for me  and said it would be a good adventure and I am wise not to sell my house but just rent it.  The meeting, over all, was good. It was the first time I told anyone outside of Kyle that I had resigned myself to moving.  There was a major 8.7 earthquake on the Pacific Coast of Russia that caused Tsunami warnings in Japan, Hawaii, and the U.S. Pacific Coast.

30 July 2025 Wednesday

I fixed Adrian his breakfast and Kyle was gone much of the day with so much to do to leave tomorrow. In the afternoon we tried to take the Ford Truck to Bountiful to sell on consignment but the lift on the bed didn’t work again so we had to take it down to a repair place near the old car wash at Papis. It was kind of forlorn for me to see it all closed up after all the work that went into re black topping the asphalt, putting in chain link posts and a chain link fence besides repainting the whole place. All that money and effort wasted. Anyway  back at the house I told Kyle that I found my birth certificate and all  the documents I need for a passport. I wonder if  that will be a wasted effort also but who can know the future with any certainty. Kyle said he’s been meeting with Cody and is planning on giving up Bewilder by September 1^st which means I will have to help Kael with shopping  until then when it’s no longer our problem. He also said that Milagros was fired again this time by Kael for not showing up for work.  Kyle thinks Yolanda will quit  eventually herself. Oh well life goes on with or without you.

                I spent a lot of my day scanning copies of documents and starting to clear out files. I need to start really getting rid of things that would be just trashed anyway. I think of Chuck Whyte in his convalescent room without most of his possessions and how all of Bill Poore’s things were gone after he died, and so I am letting go. Like the old song says “Ain’t gonna need this house no longer.”

31 July 2025 Thursday

I guess I was anxious as I cleaned the front room, kitchen, and dining room really  well  mopping the floors. I also started thinking about getting rid of things to take to DI to declutter the house. I think it was  a way of me not dealing with Kyle leaving today. I was also worried that Adrian had locked his bedroom door and I hadn’t seen him all day yesterday.  I was relieved when he finally came out at noon.  Kael from Bewilder called me and wanted me to meet him at 1:15 to do shopping for the kitchen . when I texted Kyle he said that he was coming home soon and to wait up because he wanted to see me before he left. When He came home around 1 he was too busy throwing clothes into two large suitcases. He wanted to know where his wedding suit was . He forgot that he threw out both his and Adrians suits but that I had saved them and hung them in my room.  So I know he is planning on marrying down in Mexico to obtain legal residency. There was so much I wanted to know but I didn’t ask because he was frantic to get his car packed and be on the road. Adrian and Yolanda came home from grocery shopping while Kyle was still here  so Yolanda was able to say goodbye. When Kyle left I was on the verge of tears but held in my emotions as he hugged me and wanted to say good bye  to Adrian and then he was gone. I wanted to have a bit of time to weep as I won’t see him again for months but instead I had to meet Kael at Bewilder. We spent 3 hours shopping at Restaurant Depot where he spent $1200 and later $250 at the Chef Store and $105 at Main Street  Meat Market for chicken. It was after 5 and we still hadn’t gotten bratwursts from Harmons but I said I would go tomorrow as I was exhausted physical and emotionally. 

AUGUST

1 August 2025 Friday

Well here it’s August already and Kyle is off on a new adventure leaving me behind to deal with Persephone, Adrian, and Bewilder. 

I went to the Bountiful Post Office to apply for a passport but the office that processes them is closed on Friday so that was a wasted trip. So I drove into Salt Lake to go to Harmons and bought $200 worth of brats and other things needed for the kitchen before going back to the house.

I then gathered up all the wall decorations I had gathered for years except for a few that were meaningful to me and took them to D.I. before going to the Chef Store to buy some more buns for the kitchen.  That pretty much done me in. 

I stopped at the Maverick store across the street get some gas as I was on empty and when I was getting a drink also some irate man was cussing out the store manager and the store security had to step in. People are just crazy any more.

The license plate for the truck came today but not the title. Its still at the shop having the bed lift repaired. With Kyle gone I suppose it will be up to me to retrieve it. But I will think about that later.

Adrian when I was home said that he’s going to Vegas on the 23^rd to see the Backstreet boys in person. He said he will fly down. It was a warm day in the 100’s on the Lammas Cross Quarter Day.  He also said he wants to plant a tree in the front yard so he can decorate it for Christmas. I wonder if I will be spending Christmas here or in Mexico or cremated. Time will tell.

Dan Fahndrich  messaged me as he said he heard a rumor that I was moving to Mexico with Kyle. Not sure how the rumor mill reached him. He warned me against going to Mexico as he still believes Kyle is crooked.  Maybe he’s right but I can only hope that Kyle knows what he’s doing but seeing so many of his ventures fail in the 5 years he’s been out of prison is discouraging as he over reaches so much.  Oh well.

 I know I am slowly disconnecting from Fernleaf, less interested in keeping up the garden and even the house for that matter.  

While I was watching Bones last night, my thigh began to cramp up and not sure what caused it but it was painful.

Trump’s tariffs kick in today and any products produced outside of the United States is going to skyrocket especially coffee.  It’s almost impossible anymore for me to care. 

2 August 2025 Saturday

Adrian was out last night with his friends so not sure when he came home. The pups woke me up about 3 barking like crazy about something not sure what. My left foot and ankle is really sore and painful and not sure what that is about. At a certain age anything can go wrong as things wear out unexpectedly. I was up at 4:30 to fix Adrian his breakfast and noticed he slept down stairs.

                Kyle called to let me know he left Del Rio and crossed into Mexico after having a bit of trouble at the border of bringing his Volvo across the border. He’s driving to Monterey where he will spend the night.

I had a message from Jimmy Hamamoto that Chuck Whyte was in hospice. Scott Stites let me know last Thursday but I thought he just meant he was at the convalescent home where I had visited him at; but his brother Bob said that he's is at Twin Oaks memory care part which is across the parking lot from the main entrance at 654 East 3300 South, South Salt Lake City, UT.  

Bob wrote me, “I got a notification that Chuck is not doing well. Steven, Pepper, and David and Jana are there now. I didn't expect him to decline so quickly. Sorry too have to let you know about this.”

 I told both Jimmy and Bob that I will go see him tomorrow and report back to Jimmy.  Bob wrote back “That's great and I'm sure he'd love to see you. You may see some of his other friends, they're dropping by pretty regularly.”

                Adrian slept when he came home from work and later at night went out to dinner with a bunch of his friends. I am happy that he’s being active and not just moping with Kyle gone.

                I went to Lucky’s to buy some ingredients for a bean salad called “Cowboy Caviar” that looked pretty good made up of beans, bell peppers, red onion, tomatoes, and avocado. It looked good in the video I saw but I made way too much for sure. 

3 August 2025 Sunday

Such sad news today as Chuck Whyte one of my oldest and dearest friend died today.

Bob Whyte wrote me around 7:15 that “Chuck passed this morning.  David was with him.” That was David Shell one of Chuck’s closest friend he’s known for 50 years.

I was in the shower getting ready to go visit Chuck Whyte like I said I would when his brother messaged me the news.  Before I could let it sink in I immediately posted on Facebook “Chuck Whyte passed away this morning. Another giant is gone.”  I also posted “I am crushed as I've known Chuck for 40 years as we fought the good fight to build a community here in Salt Lake. Not too many of us are left that did as much as Chuck and so under appreciated.” 

Bob Whyte asked me if I would write Chuck’s obituary so I sent him 7 pages of what I had previously written about Chuck that he could reduce to what he wanted.  I let Michael Aaron know that Chuck had passed and I guess he had an bio-obituary already ready. He wrote me saying” I hope I didn't jump the gun. Most of this story is from your 2022 bio.”  The Q Salt Lake wrote a beautiful bio of Chuck and I posted it on several sites especially the Stonewall Historical Society page. There were a lot of heartfelt tribute posted on different Facebook pages.

I let Mike Romero know that Chuck had passed and he called me from a camp ground he likes by Echo Canyon Reservoir.  We reminisced about Chuck who is just 3 months and a year  younger than Mike but basically the same age.

I was surprised that when Yolanda came over she brought with her little Brayan who I hadn’t seen in such a long time. He’s going into 3^rd grade this year and he said he was having a fun summer playing soccer,  basketball, and swimming. It was heart warming for me to see him and know that life goes on. 

Adrian wanted to fill the Hot Tub back up that had slowly leaked I guess and he and Yolanda cleaned the back patio and deck off while Brayan splashed around in the pool. When I took the pups for their evening walk Brayan went with me as he wanted to walk them also. Yolanda was  cooking up a storm for Adrians’s weekly meals.

I have been melancholy, contemplative and weepy all day. It seems almost all my peers have passed or are passing on. 35 years ago it was all my young peers dying from AIDS but now those who passed through that ordeal are now passing simply from old age. It’s hard to see those you have memories with slowly start to disappear... I know it's the circle of life and as a genealogist know we all have a beginning and an end but it's what we do in the in-between that matter.

Chuck Whyte made the corner of his  world a better place and mine also. I have been reminiscing of all the fun times, the fussing times, and so much more of when time made a friend family.

  I thought of the time I took him  up to the emergency and he was in so much pain all I could do was hold his hand and kiss his forehead.   He suffered a lot with neuropathy but now he free from this veil of tears

In the news actress Loni Anderson also died today  but for me the only sadness was really the passing of Chuck. I hope he's greeted first by his mother, then his puppy Pastor and also by Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon

I want to give condolences to Pepper Prespentt, Stephen Bollinder, David and Jana Shell who were always there for Chuck in times of need as well as his brother and sister in law, Bob and Leslie, who always tried to lighten Chucks burdens. My heart is very heavy losing this man who was exasperating as well as endearing over the 40 years we were family as well as friends. His life was service. it's lonely when so many who knew you in your prime and shared life struggles together just become memories. Chad Keller, John Reeves, Bill Poore and now

There's "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." It's okay to weep and mourn as long as we remember to laugh and dance. 

4 August 2025 Monday

I applied for my first passport ever today in my 74 years. Never thought I would need one but won't be long until the Trump Homeland Secret Police will stop you and ask for your papers. Not sure where I'd get  deported to but not taking any chances.  It was $130 for the passport and another $50 for some other fees.  I then went to Walmart in Centerville where I bought $50 worth of doggy treats. The title to the ford work truck came in the mail today but I haven’t heard a word from Kyle what to do about it and retrieving it from the repair shop.  Around 4 I get a message from Kael the manager saying they needed some more supplies from the Chef Store and Restaurant Depot so I had to leave the house to go do some shopping. When I dropped things off 3 people were working in the kitchen, none of which I knew.

Nine years ago on this date August 4, Chuck and I went to Ogden's Pride Day. I don't think Chuck missed a SLC    Pride Day since the 1983 Picnic Basket in the Park sponsored by the Royal Court. He once told me that when wind blew all these Gay flyers off a picnic table everyone was scrambling to gather them up lest straights saw them. That is how paranoid we were back then to even have our celebrations kept secret as not to be harassed.  Chuck Whyte was part of changing all that by his persistence over his life time. Chuck was proof that one person can make a difference through service and volunteering.

Chuck's service is at Jenkins-Soffe funeral home in South Jordan this Friday. Viewing at 10AM service at 1100. It will be livestreamed and the livestream will be on the site for at least awhile before it's taken down.

In the news Trump  wants Texas gerrymandered to get 5 more Republican congressman but the enough Texas Democrats had fled the state so there’s not a quorum to do business so Abbott issued an arrest warrant but the representatives are in Illinois and New York were he has no say. He’s threatening like a dictator to replace them. However Governor Newsom of California is threatening to fight fire with fire by gerrymandering California for more Democrat districts. 

5 August 2025 Tuesday

This morning I was up to make Adrian his breakfast and just as he was leaving for work the stupid smoke detector in my room went off but there was no smoke or fire. It was wired in and not with a battery so it was a pain to get it to stop. It’s always something.

I feel kind of stuck between staying and leaving. I have so much to do with no one really here to help me.  I guess I will figure it out like I always do but my emotions are watery and not grounded at all.  

When Adrian came home he worked on his English lessons and after feeding the pups I went to the Pride Center to the Tuesday Night Men’s group. Bill Blevin was back leading the group which had 3 new commers and there was about 15 people there more than I have seen in a while. I went mainly to announce that Chuck Whyte died but looking at all the guys attending I think only Bill even knew who Chuck was. They were sympathetic that my voice broke saying that Chuck’s legacy is that people can meet safely in a group like this but it was another stab to the heart that Chuck was an unknown person. Still it was a good meeting mainly discussing Gay stereotypes.  It was a warm night downtown but I feel like a stranger almost now and all I see is the relics of memories of days long gone along with the people I loved.

6 August 2025 Wednesday

My alarm didn’t go off but fortunately I woke up at 4:50 so I jumped out of bed to get Adrian’s breakfast going. When I went to wake him up he was sound asleep also so if I haven’t woke up I am sure he would have been late.  I was anxious, worried, and a bit melancholy as I haven’t heard from Kyle in a few days. I know I should not be worried but payroll is coming up as well as kitchen shopping.  The fact that he hasn’t contacted me about the Ford Truck is also worrisome. I am just too old to have to worry about these things any more.  I heard Bob Marley’s song “Don’t worry about a thing but I am not sure everything is going to be all right”. Seems like all the people I have loved are gone now.  

I went to the SOAP first Wednesday of the month men's group. It was good to see Richard Harmston, TJ and Jim there as well as Roy Zang ... there was a large group of older men there none of them even knew my name when I was asked who I was. I visited some with this fellow named Dale Miller who will be speaking at Rocky O’Donovan’s Midred Berryman lecture series on his days at BYU in the 1970s.  Richard said when he told some others he knew, that Chuck Whyte had passed on, and they said they never heard of him...

we old activists are quickly being forgotten ... it's just the way it is... relics of another time... soon we won’t even be a memory ...

I guess I am feeling a bit lonesome for David Sharpton, Chad Keller, John Reeves, Bruce Barton, Charles Frost, Bill Poore, and now Chuck Whyte and so many bright lights that’s gone out.  Starting to feel like the Last of the Mohicans.

Then when I went to get some hamburger buns for Bewilder found out that business debit card was declined. I called Kyle who called me back and he said he would look into it and call me back to night. He never did. I wonder if there will be any money to make payroll let alone buy supplies this week.  I came home very discouraged and had to keep telling myself I am powerless over people places and things. Life is getting so discouraging  that I am really getting tired of it all. My main concern is my pups. My confidence in Kyle is slipping away.

7 August 2925 Thursday

Today was a black day on that I feared but kind of anticipated .  Cody McKendrick called me and asked if we could talk about what is going on with Kyle. I said I did not know as he hadn’t contacted me since I informed him about the debit card issue. Cody said he just deposited $5000 into the Canyon Credit Union Kitchen Operator account but the Kitchen staff hadn’t been paid for last week so tomorrow they will be two weeks behind and are threatening to walk out with two huge events happening this weekend. If they don’t happen Cody could be out between 10 and 20 thousand dollars. I told him I would go to the credit union right now and see if there was any money in the account. When I did I was discouraged that not only was the $5000 gone but the account was $2500 in rears.  I went to America First across the street to get a current statement and then went to Bewilder to meet with Cody and explain what I can do. I said that I can pay at least the one week of back pay because for the twos it was over $7000 so that I can buy the supplies the kitchen needed so the staff doesn’t walk and there would be food for the events.

                Cody said that he would put all the kitchen staff on his payroll and absorb the kitchen. Kyle left him with a pile of bills owed for some of the remodeling. In fact the dishwasher was repossessed yesterday and its back to washing everything in the sink.

I then told Kael to create a supply list and I would go with him to Restaurant Depot. So I went home and Adrian was home from work and I sat him down and wearily said that Kyle had abandoned us and we were on our own to scrape by. I told him what I intended to do make things right but it will break me for the month financially. I asked him to think about his sister Johanna’s family moving into the house and pay me rent instead of the apartment. He said he would talk to his sister.

                I met Kael back at Bewilder and gave him the Restaurant Depot card to use the store because I won’t need it any more. I just sat in the car while Kael did all the shopping as I just didn’t have the mental or physical strength to do it.  He bought almost a $1000 worth of product and I also had gone to Main Street  Meat Market and paid $140 there for chicken. We barely got all the items from Restaurant Depot in our two vehicles. Back at Bewilder we unloaded the fit first then I went to the Chef Store to buy additional items there. We needed buns for sliders but they only had one package. By the time I returned it was after 6:30 and I told Kael that I would do payroll tomorrow and get as many sausages I can and look for slider buns also. So I guess it will be Friday before my work at Bewilder will be done. I hadn’t eaten and drank anything all day since a bite at breakfast and I was exhausted. I had to fix the pup their supper as it was 7 by the time I was home to feed them and walk them. Adrian had this exchange student from Spain named Manuel at the house to translate for him because Manuel was bilingual. Adrian said his sister said she would move to the house on condition that Kyle doesn’t return and change their living conditions again. It was hard to say that Kyle will never be coming back as he owes money to his criminal court and skipped out on too many debts. Manuel was a handsome Spaniard enrolled in business college with BYU.  He admired this vase that Randy and Kimberley must have given me back in the 1990’s. It was handmade and crafted by a Southwestern artisan and still had the note about who the artist  was inside. I gifted it too him as it was one less item that I have to get rid of and I know he will appreciate it and perhaps worth some money. After our visit they left for dinner.  I was so exhausted and heartbroken but had too much to do to mourn the betrayal of Kyle’s trust to me and Adrian. I will weep later.

There is nothing more certain than change. Almost 2 years ago on September 1^st I was involved with Kyle in a new venture operating the food kitchen at Bewilder Brewing. It was an adventure but also a challenge but it provided work and an income for Adrian's family who Kyle brought up from El Paso.                

Tomorrow I will be walking away from having any responsibility any longer  in assisting keeping the kitchen going as it's being turned over to others since Kyle moved to Mexico.

Breaded a lot of chicken schnitzel, fried a lot of French fries and washed a mountain of plates and scrubbed pans during the 2 years at Bewilder and loved working with Lusiana, Milagros, and Maria Hernandez like a family operation.  Kyle couldn’t be content with the kitchen operation so he took over Bismarck Donuts and the coffee stand in the parking lot at Bewilder as well as the car wash he renamed Papis. Bismarck was a disaster and Kyle could not make a go at Papis after I invested tens of thousands of dollars in it.  Now all of these businesses are gone except for the kitchen at Bewilder.

My feelings are watery like I am shutting down another chapter of my life. I feel melancholy and yet relief  not to shoulder that enterprise any longer. Between Chuck’s death last Sunday and Kyle leaving last Thursday I am just emotionally weary.  The dream of moving to Mexico and being taken care of by Kyle was just a dream or just another spell Kyle had me under. Like I told Adrian we can still love Kyle but we should never ever trust him again to not break our hearts because he is broken.

8 August 2025 Friday

I woke up around 1:30 hearing Adrian just racked with grief and crying in anguish over Kyle knowing that he is never going to come back. He had told Adrian he would be back in September but that was a lie because he told me it wouldn’t be until December or January when he came to bring me and the pups.  I went and held him and let him sob and I wept a bit also as it was almost as if Kyle had died. I laid with him for a while and then went back to bed before waking up again around 6 and I crawled back in to bed with him again. I held him and I think we were so broken that we actually had sex not out of any real desire but I guess to feel a void left by someone we loved and we needed intimacy to validate our feeling of lost. I can’t imagine us doing it ever again as I love Adrian but not in a truly sexual way although I don’t regret it as I think Adrian really needed to connect with me as his world is shattered as well as mine.

I didn't attend Chuck Whyte's funeral as I was not in any emotional state to be there. He knew I loved him and said so, the Iast time I visited him in the rest home.

I had other responsibilities that had to be done by doing the last payroll for the Bewilder kitchen and purchasing more supplies for the weekend events. From now on the place we had such hopes for is a memory, like Chuck, will always be to me, I have 40 years of memories of him, many exasperating but still it was what it was.

Still it will feel strange not tagging along with Kyle  on some misguided business adventure. I retired 10 years ago but I only now feel retired. I am not as angry with Kyle as disappointed and brokenhearted. Not over the money which is transitory but over his lying and deceitfulness and I suppose at myself for loving a charming cad.  Kyle can’t help being what he is I suppose, a beautiful snake that I took to my bosom. I only have myself to blame when he  bit me because I knew his nature from 15 years ago but just pretended that my love would keep me safe. Kyle actually lost more than me so I will never hate him but need to recover and live a life without him. It will be very difficult and painful “'Cause I've built my life around you.”

                When I started my day I went into my America First account and started moving some money around to do payroll today which is nearly $4000 that is two weeks ago and see what I can spend on more supplies and still have enough money to live on for the rest of the month. Today is Chuck’s funeral but I just cannot go or I think my heart would just break in two and there’s so much to do.

                I spent the morning for the last time cleaning up Kyle’s mess. I had to figure out payroll from July 20 to 26^th which people had not been paid to keep them from quitting as Bewilder has these two big events this weekend. I had to come up with nearly $4200.  I paid Johanna $633, Milagros $496, Yolanda $348 and           Kael $1120, and the others that I don’t know at all as I never had to work with them Jose                 $469 , Patricia $117  Ruth $618, and Alejandra $380.   I brought down their money I paid in cash after withdrawing from my account at First America. Kael sent me a list also of additional food he needed me to buy and that was also about another $300.  Ruth never was paid for the Cashier Check  that I put into the business account for her.  I realized that Kyle had lied about paying her from the money I had deposited.  I know what it is like to be stiffed from working so hard and as far as I can tell Ruth has always been a steady worker so I felt like I needed to take care of that for her because of my foolishness of trusting Kyle. So I pulled out nearly $1200 in cash for her and so I have basically depleted all my savings and maxxed out my visa credit card and line of credit but I still have about a $1000 to pay for the HELOC. The truck, and my car.  I have no idea how much I owe the repair shop that Kyle took the Truck in for repairs.    I talked to Cody while at Bewilder and Kyle owes nearly $10,000 to his venders and I told him that Kyle has a lot of expensive tools and machines at the house that he could have to sell and maybe pay some of that debt.  At the house Adrian said that Yolanda and Johanna may have quit Bewilder not just for the money but because Kyle no longer is in charge down there.  So that is my very long day even though I had to go to Lucky’s and buy a few items for Adrians breakfast.             

                I went to bed around 9 so tired and saw a message from Adrian saying he hoped that what happened this morning won’t change anything between us. I said it would not that I love him and care for him. 

9 August 2025 Saturday

Being in transition is always difficult Have you ever had so much to do that you feel almost paralyzed where to begin? That's where I am at and would rather pull a sheet over my head and stay in bed with 4 sleeping dogs. My will power seems to be more my won't power.  I drove down to D & A Truck repair to find out what it’s going to cost me to retrieve the work truck but the place was closed so I will have to do it on Monday. Its down on 2800 South and 3^rd West just south of the Papi’s Car wash. I stopped there as I realized I had no pictures of the place that everyone worked so hard to make a go of it. About a year and half ago Kyle took over a commercial truck car wash and  it was completely worn down so he had Jesus and Luis paint the inside and out.  Kyle remodel the inside and even  blacktopped and put in chain posts and a better wash system. Luis Negron and his kids all worked down there off and on but mainly on Saturday when Kyle had a contract to clean the U of U’s shuttle buses. When that went away it was just a matter of time before it failed even with the U-Haul business. He had Frontier sheds on consignment there until South Salt Lake passed an ordinance that you could not display sheds. We invested a lot of my money hiring many of our Columbia family to work there but never could make it profitable and the corner rent was outrageous $2700 a month so we never could get a head. So we gave it up after all the work that went into it and money spent making improvements. I saw that the planter boxes I had filled with soil to plant  geraniums  last year was as dead as our dream for that place. I spent a lot of time there bringing drinks for the crew as Kyle was there more than at Bewilder.  All gone now we are is dust in the wind. Some dreams and hard work don't make them come true.

                I was unable to process the magnitude of what Kyle did leaving me to clean up his mess and rather than shut down in despair No one can hurt you so deeply and as much as someone you love.

I started cleaning downstairs clearing out all of the cabinets and boxing his clothes up as if he was dead.  Then Peter Nash came to the door and said that there was a huge dumpster down on Newton Park that he said that if I had any thing I wanted to get rid of I could use. Adrian came home about then and I had him help me load the back of the FIT with lumber and crap that had been on the northside of the house. That area was a mess and loading my car made the inside a complete mess with leaves and debris. So After back at the house I vacuumed out the car and cleaned it really well as it needed it anyway.

I asked Carlos Behana if he still wanted the stainless steel sinks and he did so he took those and said that he would haul off any thing else I wanted gone like the old closet door panel.  I even watered the front yard for the first time realizing I am not going to Mexico and leaving this house so I needed to take care of it all.

                I was exhausted from cleaning out Kyle’s  room downstairs and all the  crap that had accumulated on the side of the house  drive way and cleaning out the inside of my car. It had about wore me out but I have to stay busy to keep from worrying and thinking about all the issues I have no control over. Six hours of work is too much  but if I don't do it who will?

                Adrian brought Yolanda and Chuito over today I think mainly to have his mother here because he’s heart broken as am I but he’s young and hasn’t had as many heart breaks as I have.

                Strange I had a phone call from Jim Dabakis. I thought maybe he had heard from Salv Mora about Kyle leaving but he hadn’t.  Salv texted me earlier asking where was Kyle and I told him that Kyle moved off to Mexico and won’t be coming back. Kyle hadn’t paid Salv either what was owed him so that is another lie Kyle told me. Salv said he still has the keys to the office downtown and I said go there and take whatever you want because I know Kyle has abandoned that place also just like all the crap he has at the storage unit that I know he has abandoned with probably 1000’s of dollars’ worth of stuff there.

                Anyway Jim was just checking in on me when he said I sounded terrible and asked if I was sick and then I had to tell him that Kyle had absconded to Mexico leaving  tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I felt so much a fool and when Jim asked how much money did he take from me I said all of my retirement fund from fidelity. I told him how I felt responsible to Cody McKendrick and the Bewilder kitchen and had paid nearly $7,000 in wages and food so they could carry on the events for the weekend.   Jim said he wants to see me tomorrow and talk about what Kyle has done and what we might be able to do. He said I should press charges against him which While I am reluctant to do I can’t trust my own judgement regarding Kyle.  Jim is furious about what Kyle has done after all I had done for him.  Whenever I think about Kyle I just weep not for the money but for the loss of the expectation that I had someone to watch over me.

                I had a surprised message from Maria Hernandez saying that her son Mesuj  misses me. I told her how Kyle left Bewilder and moved to Mexico.

 "Oh, but now old friends, they're acting strange And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed -Well, something's lost, but something's gained In living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all" 

10 August 2025 Sunday

What another dreary day trying not to feel devastated while trying to clean up the mess Kyle left us. After fixing Adrian his breakfast I really couldn’t go back to sleep my mind being so restless. So I went downstairs to the studio apartment I no longer will ever call it Kyle’s room and started cleaning thing. I don’t have an appetite at all so just had some coffee while I wrote in this journal a little of my grief.  When the sun came up I went beneath the deck to start inventorying what’s there and cleaning it out. I wanted to get the tires Kyle left there from Build Team days. I think they are truck snow tires and I think they are still too good to let them rot. I need to have Mike or someone look at them for sure. I also picked up all the leaves refuse from the side drive way so that area is reasonably cleaned up now, I was so tired doing it but I had to keep busy to keep having a breakdown.

                Jim Dabakis came over about 1 and gave me some advice but no real comfort. Because Kyle put the work truck in his name I probably will have difficulty selling it even if I pick it up tomorrow. I suppose I was hoping someone would rescue me but Jim gave little solace except listening to me.  He did say he contacted Salv Mora who told him that the people he knows in Mexico said Kyle never showed up for his meeting he was supposed to have had on the 4^th.  The one thing Jim did say to me from his dealings with Venezuelans to not let them take advantage of my kindness not that I think that they would, but after what Kyle has done I really can’t trust my judgement anymore.

                Kyle was able to manipulate me because I grew to depend on him for his skills to fix the house, my disdain for anything thing financial, and my deep love for him. This is the second time he betrayed that love. It will never happen again.

                When Adrian came home he said he had been trying not to cry at work. Yolanda and Chuito were here all day and probably will stay from now on as both she and Johanna did quit Bewilder as they felt kind of ashamed of what Kyle had done down there and also probably from the memories of it once being a family enterprise.  I still haven’t heard whether Johanna wants to move into the house and rent from me.

                Adrian worked down stairs cleaning the bathroom, which probably never been cleaned while Kyle lived there by himself. I finished cleaning off the piles I had placed on the bed before feeding the pups and walking them.

                I have three people call me tonight. First Salv Mora called to say that he went to the office where Kyle moved into from Papis and they cleared out everything that they could use. Kyle owed Salv $1500! He said that they saw a bank statement showing Kyle had been there on the 31^st. They also took Kyles computer and while they couldn’t access thought it might be useful to the police.  Salv was very sympathetic and caring and said he wanted us to remain friends and I told him that Kyle has some very nice clothes that if he can use any of them he could have them.  He also said he told the people who were going to do that vineyard project and hire Kyle for it that Kyle had a criminal background and skipped out owing people thousands of dollars so any of his fantasy dreams and schemes of becoming rich in Mexico is just another pipe dream. Salv thinks Kyle may be in San Carbos where ever that may be but certainly Kyle is on the run.

                Then Mike Romero called and I finally confessed what Kyle has done leaving me in the lurch. He gave me some sound advice that we should go to Utah First Credit union to see what is what and if Kyle has encumbered any of my finances at Utah First or America  First.  So we are going to do that before retrieving the Ford work truck.

                Finally Kyle Daniels called of all people wanting just to chat about school starting up next week. I am so devastated as is Adrian but I have to stop thinking about what Kyle had done for me and think only what Kyle did to me.

                I need to find Persephone a new home. Adrian doesn’t want her and she needs affection from someone who will love her. I posted this on the Gay Men’s Facebook page

“I have a very affectionate cat that I need to rehome as her owner left and basically abandoned her. I have a boat load of dry and wet food for her and a cat high rise tower she mainly uses... she is also a good mouser.

I can't keep her as I have 4 rescue dogs who live with me upstairs and she won’t go near them and my new tenant is allergic to cats.

 She is a sweet cat, with black long hair with white paws. I would really hate to have to take her to a shelter. If you have room for a feline friend please dm me... it's an unfortunate situation no fault of  her own. She is spaded.”

Kyle is a walking tragedy and there will never be a happy ending for him or those who loved him. 

11 August 2025 Monday

I went through my bank statements this morning and I spent $6194.80 for Bewilder and another $1166 to pay Ruth her money on top of the initial $1166 money I withdrew that Kyle never paid her and kept it for himself.  Adrian later told me that Johanna paid Kyle for bringing her kids and Yolanda and Chuito up from Columbia instead of me although I financed it all on my visa card. Kyle kept it to himself rather than reimbursed me.  I called D & A Truck Repair and found out it will cost $1100 for  me to retrieve it from the repairs as it needed new parts funds which I don’t have right now.  Michael Romero came over about 10 and he said that Randy Gile suggested I pull up a free Credit Report to see what is actually  out there  and to see if Kyle put anything on it I don’t know about. We went to his place and he downloaded it for me. I was surprised and relieve that I only owe $10,000 on the Truck which I thought was a lot more and my monthly payment is $397 for something I never used or ever will.  Other than that there were no real surprises on it and my credit rating was still fair at 617. Mike I know loves me but he can be so negative at times and kept telling me that I might be seen as collaborating with Kyle in fraud and I might end of in prison myself. I totally dismissed that but let him vent as I know also he, rightly so, blames me for my predicament for turning such a blind eye to Kyle.  

Mike did make a suggestion that I get off of the family plan that Kyle had put me on as I was fairly certain he would not be paying on it anymore. So we drove up to Layton to a Verizon Outlet which was a total waste because instead of helping me transfer from a family plan to my own account they had me call customer service which was outsourced to India I suppose.  

I had another surprise that the family plan that Kyle had set up was in my name not his and that I owed $800 in past due bills and that Kyle had set up 5 phones on the plan. I never saw a bill or even knew it was in my name, I was  bone tired and weary but the bottom line was that I couldn’t separate the phone bills or get off the family plan. 

I took a lot of stuff of Kyles and mine down to D.I. to donate  then I figured I need to get a new phone so I went to what I thought was Cricket store on North Temple where I had taken Lusiana two  years ago to get her a phone. However it was no longer a cricket store but one called ToTal that used the Verizon Network but had much cheaper discount plans.

This very helpful Latino kid there played around on my phone and bottom line was able to get me my own account, using my old phone at $25 a month. I paid a $100 hook up fee but I was given a new Phone number with the area code of 385. It was the first time after living 50 years in Utah that I didn’t have an 801 area code. My new number I think will be easy to remember 476 -6220. So that was another task completed.

 I told Adrian that he will need to get a new phone also as he and Yolanda were apart of that family plan. Kyle’s old number  was 589-0123.  The kid at ToTal gave me the sim card that had been in my phone and said to take it to a Verizon Store and have it cancelled so the old account doesn’t keep being billed. I know that I am sure it will soon be cancelled as for the money owed on it but once I do Kyle will no longer have use of his phone.  I will do that but not quite ready to do so as my heart is still tethered to Kyle which is insane. I have started to think of not what Kyle has done for me but what Kyle has done to me.

                Jim Dabakis called and said while having lunch he spotted Governor Cox and informed him of my situation and Jim said to call this state agency to meet with them to see what can be done to see if any of my money can be recovered. Jim also said he wanted to be responsible for seeing that my will and medical decisions are carried out.  Jim said that Governor Cox said he would help Jim as long as he never enters politics again. LOL

                Anyway I brought home a Little Caesar Pizza for Adrian, Yolanda, and Chuito and Milagros who was over visiting who gave me a hug. I never got a nap but I messaged my friends my new number which also helped me memorize it.

                After feeding the pups and taking them on their evening walk I started to wind down. TJ this morning had difficulty standing and I thought please don’t die on me right now as I could not handle another loss. He seemed to be better for his evening walk.

                Adrian came to me and said that he thinks Persephone is really lonesome as she has stopped eating so I went down and laid with her a while and petted her. Earlier I had posted on the Gay Men Forum hoping one of the followers in that group might want to adopt her.

Then unrelated Salv Mora texted me saying that he and his boyfriend would take Persephone. Hopefully that will be another task completed. Adrian doesn’t care for Persephone and if he’s moving downstairs I needed to find a good home for her. This will be her 3^rd owner poor girl.

In the crazy news the Felon in the White House nationalized the Washington DC police  ordered the National Guard to invade the city because a DOGE worker had been attacked.

12 August 2025 Tuesday

I am slowly picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I went to America First to make sure Kyle had no access to any of my accounts  and took a lot of Kyles clothes to Deseret Industries and kept just what I thought Salv might use or want. My main chore today was to get internet provider into my name. Michael came over to help make that decision and I finally went with Total Wireless because I could bundle it with my phone. When Adrian went down to Total Wireless he found out that Kyle had never paid for the Phones he bought for Adrian and Yolanda and he has to come up with $1500 to keep them and get service. He had much better credit than I do at 730so he should be able to get a loan from his Mountain American Credit Union especially if I co-sign. Just more ways Kyle screwed us trying to be a big shot as he said he was buying them  for Yolanda. I truly think Kyle’s duplicitous nature is part of a mental illness but then I am probably making excuses for him again.

                Adrian managed to plug in the Total wireless router so we can internet again and the FWA_43V7GX password is myth-ran9-float for if I ever need to restart it. I feel like there’s been a death and I am just walking through the motions to keep from having a breakdown.

                Adrian said that Tutu saw a message on Wassup App that young people use where she thinks Kyle may be in China as somehow she saw a posting of his not knowing she was on the app. I don’t know anything about that. Kyle always took care of the technological and social media crap for me or anything financial as I trusted him and relied on him.

                Cody McKendrick asked if I knew whether Kyle was in Amsterdam in July as he was looking through some of the transactions from the Canyon Credit Union report I gave him. There was a lot of Uber receipts for Amsterdam. He said it was hard to say if he was in Amsterdam as the Mexican Uber may have run it through an Amsterdam office. There was a transaction from Dallas Airport which I knew about He said there was a lot of personal expense  like for dating apps and fast food mostly and its over drawn $6700  from a check he deposited that bounced that deposited on July 31 . Cody is going to file fraud charges against him. He owes  money from Kitchen Operators some of whom are going to write it off and others want to repossess equipment.   He also said once he gets things stabilized in the kitchen over the next couple of weeks he will come by the house to take inventory of stuff and sell stuff for me and said he’d be happy to help sell the truck.  So I would be so happy if he does because I am awful at stuff like that.

                Well the saga continues I suppose. If this doesn’t kill me  I am not sure what will. It’s so hard living in a space where everywhere I look I see Kyle’s handiwork and the memories of being a family. I guess I still have miles to go and promises to keep before I sleep.

                I didn’t attend the Gay Men’s Support Group tonight. I wonder if I will again. It may have been my swan song.               

13 August 2025  Wednesday

I grieved and cried so much today. I fixed Adrian his breakfast and then tried to rest some more as I was so weary. I took a load of items to D.I. before going into Bountiful to have copies of the Ford Truck Loan papers. When I looked at them I saw that the loan was taken out with an electronic signature so no wonder I never remembered taking a loan out in my name. Kyle had to have done it without my knowledge. I thought perhaps I could go to America First and have the HELOC transferred to them from Utah First but the interest loan would be at 12 percent which is much higher than if left it at Utah First. I went back there and had a copy of the loan papers for the HELOC printed. I guess I have just been paying the interest on the HELOC and never just any of the loan so that is why it never went down.

                That was discouraging but then I went back home and pulled out all the camping equipment gear stored beneath the stairs things never used and still in boxes, Sleeping bags, portable bed, cooking equipment, so much stuff like skis and ski boots and golf clubs. So much stuff hardly anything of mine is left under the stairs.  Only thing that was his left is a wine rack and unopened bottles of alcohol.

                I went back down to DI with the Christmas stuff that Kyle and for him and Adrian’s first Christmas together and more stuff. While there Jim Dabakis asked after I told him I had not been contacted by senior services, for to call them again and this very unhelpful woman took some information and said she would create a case file and when I told Jim that he said that I already had a case file opened and that he would contact them for me.

                Salv Mora texted and said that his partner was not well and they wouldn’t be coming up today  and said he was sorry that if he had a car himself he would. So I suggested that I go pick him up because I really needed to rehome Persephone as she was so sad, not eating, and lonesome when she was abandoned by Kyle who also abandoned me. He said that sounded good.

I packed up Persephone’s cat tower, water and food equipment and all the wet and dry food Kyle had left for her. When I put her in the car and drove off her cries were heartbreaking. She meowed all the way down to 5700 South and I just steeled my heart giving away the last vestige of Kyle living downstairs. I had grown fond of Persephone but not attached but before getting out of the car she laid on my shoulder not knowing she will never see me again. I wanted to weep but had to remain stoic. I hope she has a wonderful home and a new life with 4 other kitties at Salv’s place  but I feel so sad, lonesome and not eating also, but life is full of changes but the unexpected ones are the hardest of all. You either adapt or turn your face to wall  but have 4 old pups that need me as much as I need them. I tried to do the best for Persephone was it is not her fault but Adrian didn’t want her.

                Salv came back to the house and went through  what clothes he wanted and we discussed Kyle of course the whole time. Salv kept telling me that he and Tim would be there for me if I needed anything.

                Coming back home was Rush Hour traffic and the temperature was 109 degrees so everyone was tired and exhausted and at one point on Redwood Road at 800 South traffic came to a complete stand still backed up all the way to the interchange. It took me 15 minuets just to creep up to 5^th South where I could get off Redwood to drive east to 900 West where traffic was heavy bit not at a creep. It took me nearly an hour to get home from dropping Salv off and I was an emotional wreck when I was greeted by Adrian in a foul mood questioning me why I gave all Kyles clothes to Salv.

I was in no mood, hot and exhausted and we got into an emotional fight screaming at each other. I could not believe Adrian was attacking me for clearing out all Kyle remnants which I was also doing for Adrian. I yelled at  him that Kyle owed Salv $1500 that I why I let him have anything he wanted and I was grateful that he was willing to give Persephone a new home. I know we upset Yolanda who came down to see why we were yelling at each other and Adrian threatened to leave and I said if he did he better take his mother and brother with him and not abandon them. He then stormed upstairs and I laid on Kyle bed and just cried and cried a jag of woe and despair.  I just couldn’t bear anymore. But eventually I dried my tears enough to go upstairs to feed the pups as it was after 6. I heard Adrian in his room on the phone speaking rapidly in Spanish but I was too fatigued to care anymore.

                Around 6:30 I was sitting in the front room in despair weeping when Adrian brought home this man he introduced as Alejandro who I didn’t recognize or know why he was here.

After introducing himself I realized he was Alejandro Puy the  city council man who represents District Two. Somehow he and Adrian had made acquaintance perhaps even friends and Adrian had him come over to translate to me as sort of a mediator. Evidently Kyle had been dealing with Alejandro and had become friendly and he wanted to help. He let me share my concerns of all that I have been doing to clean up Kyle’s mess and I feel so overwhelmed and when Adrian started questioning me about my efforts it was like the last straw.

                Alejandro then finally helped me understand what is going on because Adrian because of his broken English couldn’t.  I guess Jesus doesn’t want Johanna to move here  all though she wants to so they probably won’t. Adrian said he wants to help by paying rent to help with my mortgage and I hope he realizes that if we are renting space out to strangers it has to be the downstairs studio. Alejandro was so compassionate and understanding and he had been mentored by Jim Dabakis when Jim was a senator so we had that in common. He stayed I bet at least an hour and a half and said he would help me with getting rid of the Ford Truck this Friday. That more than anything was a relief to me so things started appear to be getting resolved but I don’t know how much more I can take.  I am only here because of my pups because the world is too tiresome for me now and everyone one I loved is now gone and I am just an old man living in a world that is unfamiliar to me.  But truly I am grateful and surprised by the offer of Alejandro Puy to help me  with dealing with that truck that I had been paying $400 a month for four years for nothing.

14 August 2025 Thursday

My days are filled with sorrow and despair, Grief and disappointment, feelings of betrayal and love, and even relief. This morning  I went down to D & A Truck Repair to find out what I can do to retrieve the truck. I was willing to pay off $1100 but once there I found that the bill for the repair was closer to $1800. To say I was shocked does not describe it. I asked if I could at least pay half and the other half in September so a lien is not put on it. They were actually very accommodating as I am sure they were just as happy that I was paying for it.  I left and dropped off another load of donations to DI and then came home. I contacted Alejandro Puy to say that he needn’t go with me tomorrow after all that the repair place said they would store the vehicle for a while.

                Mike Romero called me early this morning to say that Randy Giles checked on the license plate for the truck and it was legit at least. I love Michael but his doom and gloom out look sometimes just makes me feel worse rather than better.

                Around 11 Adrian told me he had several options to his $1500 phone dilemma however I had him check out Boost Mobile down by Lucky’s rather than go through Verizon.  We were down there for nearly an hour and a half while he and the employees all spoke to each other in Spanish. I just sat and looked at my phone, feeling really tired with a slight headache.

                Well he was able to buy new phones for his mother and him and phone service through Boostmobile. I have no idea what the deal was but had to be better than paying $1500 for two old Verizon phones.  So that was another box checked off of the mess Kyle left us.  It was another extremely hot day today around 105 so never took the pups on an evening walk.  Instead I went through a lot of my papers throwing away stuff I had saved for years that I knew I’d never get around to them. I organized folders for items I kept.

                My biggest frustration is that evidently when I installed a new Wi-Fi, the printer scanner that Kyle left for me went off line and I have no idea how to change the Wi-Fi for it to get it to operate. I asked Andy Dalrymple because he’s a computer geek to come over this Saturday to have a look at it. Just another frustration in a long list that Kyle left me to deal with.

                My niece Denise Wachs called me that was a surprise. I guess she was concerned about me from my postings on Face Book although I had never posted any of the specifics.

Hard for me to realize she is a 54 year old grandma. She said like James did that they never hear anything from their brother Michael.

                So the drama and struggle continues. 

15 August 2025 Friday

 I began my morning having to go get coffee filters. We were  out and I didn’t think I could face another day without my Mocha Coffee.  Back at the house at 7:30 I walked the pups while it was still relatively cool out at 81 degrees.

                I then realized that Johanna and Yolanda are still owed pay from their time working at Bewilder. They are owed $609 and $386 from July 27 to August 2 and probably about the same from August 3^rd until they quit on the 9^th I think.  I wrote Cody McKendrick about it and he said yes he had money for them  but he had to take out a loan to make ends meet but wanted to wait until Monday so he doesn’t bounce check them. He said its been a struggle for him but hopefully by the end of next week he will recover . I let him know Monday would be fine.   I also wrote Kael and while he was sympathetic to me he was scathing to Johanna and Yolanda saying they didn’t quit but he had fired them like he did Milagros. He asked why I was being so concerned as they are Kyle’s family. I guess he never knew how attached I am to the Villalobos I am regardless of Kyle. Cody wrote back saying he had to take out a loan to pay for the kitchen equipment Kyle still owed  and that it might be a couple of weeks before its all sorted out at Bewilder. I told him I am in no hurry as the only bills I know coming up his my car payment and the Truck. I went to Luckys to get some more chicken for the pups and earlier after dropping more stuff at DI, I bought t some soda pop at the Glendale Smith’s.

                I finally felt like today things were calming down and thoughts of Kyle did not swell up so much to make me cry, not from anger which I should be but missing him. Stupid I know. What did Woody Allen once say? The Heart wants what the Heart wants?

                Back at the house Adrian and his mother were downstairs scrubbing and cleaning the studio apartment to rent out and earlier they had gone grocery shopping for themselves. Their hard work downstairs made me want to really do some heavy cleaning in my bedroom. I stripped the bed and moved things around as well as cleared out closets of all the stuff I had simply stored there and put all the family photos in one huge tote. It will take me the rest of my life I think to scan so many of the pictures that I want to keep for family heritage.

                I went to bed around 9 as I knew it will be an early morning with Adrian going back to work. I woke up around 10 and got up to go into Adrian’s room and he was dancing around in this futuristic white body suit he had bought on line for the Back Street Boy’s concert a week from this Saturday. I guess even with all the heartbreak from Kyle the show must go on. He is so excited that it made me forgive the grief he gave me the other day of getting rid of Kyle’s clothes.  I figured out that Alejandro Puy would like to be more than a friend to Adrian but Adrian said that right now after Kyle and Juan Pablo his heart is closed off from having a steady boyfriend. He did say something about them posting pictures of the studio apartment to rent out and also to take pictures of items of Kyle’s to sell that is in the garage.  I only stayed with him briefly and went back to bed.

                My whole world has turned upside down in the past two weeks. I still wrapping my head around living without Kyle and with Spanish speakers that I only know and grew to care for because of him and now he’s gone.  It feels like Kyle has died and I am a ghost in my own home.  But still I am grateful for my critters and I hope Persephone adapts to her new life as we all must.

                In the news Tyrant Trump has ordered the National Guard to  patrol Washington DC as a distraction from the Epstein Files and is meeting with Dictator Putin in Alaska 

16 August 2025 Saturday

Adrian is back to work so I was up to fix him his breakfast and then went back to bed  and slept in until 8 when I then got up to walk the pups. I went back to writing in my journal and cleaning my room. I called Andy Dalrymple and asked if he could still come over today which he could, so I said I would treat him to lunch at Chubby’s. In the afternoon I went into town and retrieved him. He lives in HUD apartments in old Japantown off of 100 South.

                Anyway he looked at the printer and scanner and knew what to do to get it back on the new Wi-Fi with the passcode. I never would have been able to figure that out in a million years. Its good to have a Geek as a friend.

Afterwards we went to Chubby’s for lunch and we sat for almost 2 hours  relating to each other our woes. I guess the friendship between him and Roy Zang is completely over with each other thinking each is toxic.  Friendships can dissolve pretty quickly as mine did with Charles Frost.

 I  know it must have been awhile since Andy had a good meal as he cleaned his plated completely. When I took him back to his place we hugged and I nearly cried as he is one of the few people still around who knew me from back when.

                When I came home it was nearly 4 and I tried to rest some before having to feed the pups. I had several messages from Johanna Villalobos asking about her paycheck from July 27 to August 3 and if I knew whether Cody was going to pay her. I know Texts do not reveal a person’s emotions but it sounded like she thought I was responsible for it or should be. I told her how I had contacted Cody about it and he said perhaps Monday he might be able to pay the back wages owed between July 27 and August 9 which is two weeks.  I told her how Kyle pocketed all the money she paid to bring her children here from Columbia although I financed all of the plane fare on my credit card which I am still paying off. I wanted her to know that I am still trying to clean up Kyle’s messes he left me.

 She is owed $609 and since I only paid half of the repair on the Truck I may have enough to pay her as she has kids to support.  Yolanda is owed about $400 which I am not too concerned about as she and Chuito are living here now permanently and I have never charged either of them rent.  I think also think of all the money spent to divide my movie room into two bedrooms and all the hard work it was for Kyle and I to lay the tile floor Adrian wanted. Oh well.

                I saw a text from a man Jim Dabakis knows who may be interested in buying a lot of the equipment and power tools. I have no idea what any of it’s worth but I guess something is better than nothing. I never tried to cheat anyone out of anything all my life so we will see how that goes.

                I tried going to bed early. 

17  August 2025 Sunday

Picking up the pieces of my shattered dream of living with Kyle for the rest of my life. Perhaps I am waking up from a nightmare. What ever it was, it was a fantasy with no substance beyond a love sick illusion.

I am now living with a boy who came to the United States 3 years ago with a dream and is now here with his mother and invalid brother.  My life is so different from what I thought it would be. 

Michael Aaron posted That Riley Richter and Micheal Repp are facing extraordinary health challenges and financial strain. They were a part of The Sun-Trapp, and then Club Verse, the spot where Kyle and I worked so hard building a stage, dressing room and seating steps  and where Kyle met Adrian. The club closed after  Riley suffered a Sudden Cardiac Arrest and they moved to Colorado to a facility that specializes in such recoveries. In May 2025, Micheal was diagnosed with Stage III Squamous Cell Carcinoma, a form of skin cancer that can spread aggressively to lymph nodes and other organs if not treated promptly. The couple returned to Salt Lake City from Colorado so Micheal can continue treatment at Huntsman Cancer Institute, the region’s only National Cancer Institute–designated Comprehensive Cancer Center.

                With all the issues I am dealing with and heart break so far I still have my health and for that it means everything.

                I took a long afternoon nap probably a couple of hours as I think my exhaustion was finally catching up with me at the same time things seem to be calming down.  Adrian and Alejandro Puy have posted the downstairs studio apartment at $900 a month with a $500 deposit so I will have to see how that pans out.

                Jim Dabakis dropped by in the afternoon to see me before he leaves again this Tuesday. He wanted to show me how I could find out the price of the equipment that Kyle left behind using a app called Chatbot AI. It said the Compressor was valued at between 500 and 800 dollars and the electric miter saw about $200. While we visit he more or less said that the state agency in charge of senior abuse was worthless and not to expect much help from them. Its kind of what I expected.

 I suppose the best thing to do is actually inventory all the tools left behind and figure out a price for them.  Just another mess to clean up.

                Since Andy Dalrymple managed to get my scanner working again I scanned a lot of pictures of Bill Poore’s time working at the Helen Hays Theater in NYC with Torch Song Trilogy.  I then posted them all on the Utah Stonewall Historical Society site.  I don’t want him forgotten, the old curmudgeon.

                So there’s stuff I need to do this coming week.  I need to take more items down to D.I., junk all the computers I have been saving that Andy said should not be a problem tossing them, see if I can pay Johanna $609 if Cody doesn’t on Monday, and start inventorying Kyle’s build team crap.  I get weary just thinking about it but maybe its what keeping me alive.  

                Life is never static and I am now experiencing another stage in my long life; childhood, adolescence, first love with John, college, becoming Mormon, marriage, leaving Utah, coming back to Utah, coming out as Gay, my activist years, in love again with Billy, became a teacher, life with Mike Romero at Fernleaf, meeting Kyle Foote, retirement, senior years. Sun up and Sun down.  The woods now seem dark and deep but I still have miles to go before I sleep.

In the news Terrance Stamp died. I first recognized his beauty in Billy Budd and he will always be associated with Priscilla Queen of the Desert. 

18 August 2025 Monday

I heard from Cody McKendrick that they have located Kyle because he was still connected to one of the Uber delivery monitors at Bewilder that gave his address down in Santiago de Queretaro, Mexico. Cody is going to turn the information over to the police to see if they can charge him. I am so conflicted. As long as I knew I would never have to deal with him again and thought of him as dead I could carry on with what I had to do but now I am a mass of emotions.  Cody  doesn’t want me to tell any of the family about this as he must think they are not connected with me and that somehow they are still loyal to Kyle, which they may be or not.

                I went down to Bewilder this morning as Cody said the checks for Yolanda and Johanna were down there. It seemed odd to be there now that I have no association with the place.  Amanda, who was the bar manager, was there and she was dour towards me like I was also responsible for the mess down there. Well I guess picking up the check may be my last intervention with Bewilder especially if Alejandro  Puy follows up on what he said he would do to help with the truck and sell Kyle’s tools.

                In the early afternoon I went beneath the deck and pulled out all of the saws and compressors and everything else so I can start to take pictures and inventory  stuff.

                I took a long nap just to escape all that Kyle left me to clean up. I even had to reset the Thermostat with the new Wi-fi and password.

                It  comes in waves the enormity of the mess that Kyle left me. At times I feel paralyzed by what I have to do and what I will have to do with legal issues from all that Kyle had put  in my name.  But I must take it as they say one day at a time and let the universe unfold as it will.

                The Republicans in Texas have basically kidnapped a state Democratic legislator refusing to let her leave the capitol’s chambers unless she signs a release to allow a police officer to follow her to ensure her return on a vote on redistricting Texas to favor Trump. So ashamed of saying I am a Texan.

19 August 2025 Tuesday

It was another really hot day. I pity the kids and teachers who are back in schools without air conditioning. I only walked the pups this morning because in the evening at 7:30 it was still 90 degrees outside so I am sure the sidewalk was too hot for their paws.

                This morning Yolanda took Chuito with Johanna to go to the bank to cash their checks from Bewilder.  This man named Max who Jim Dabakis said was interested in some of the tools said he was coming over at 5:30 so I spent much of the day laying out all the power tools and other items all over the garage floor so he could look at them. I also started taking pictures and trying to inventory what is here. That in its self was exhausting in the heated garage.

                Max came over and he was not what I expected as he was young only about 30 and was interested in only two of the DeWalt nail guns power tools and the Metabo swivel power saw that was on a Delta wheeled mount. At first he wasn’t interested in the mount only the saw but I said that they were together so he bought both. He agreed to pay me $200 but wanted to pay by Venmo.

I hate this modern technology ... what the fuck is Venmo? Adrian knew what it was but didn't have it on his phone so we had to call a Alejandro Puy who had Venmo who could take the transaction for me. What ever happened to cash or debit cards.. I told the guy I am 74 years old I don't have any of the newfangled crap out there.

Anyway the money was transferred to Alejandro who transferred it to Adrians’s Chase Bank Account. I went with Adrian who pulled the money out of the ATM there so I was paid $200 for some of the money that I had spent on Kyle over the years.

Adrian said that Alejandro is going to meet him down in Las Vegas where Adrian is attending the Back Street Boys Show there. I don’t know whether he will go with Adrian or just be with him in Vegas. Adrian said that both Johanna and Milagros found work although Johanna was laid off for a bit at Bodega which was near the buildings on Main Street that had caught on fire about a week ago.

In the mail was a Bankruptcy discharge notice for Kyle. How Ironic.  I also had a follow up call from Senior Services about my case and someone is coming over tomorrow at 1 to talk to me.  Also the friend of Jim’s who wants me to take care of his pup while he’s in Brazil called to touch base. He took Jim to the airport so he’s back on his world tour.

I talked to Roy Zang finally today as he wanted me to call him. We commiserated about our woes.

Little Brayan was at the house today after school. He’s in 3^rd  grade now at North Star.  So it goes this hot August day

20 August 2025 Wednesday

This man from the state office of Elder Abuse came to the house this afternoon and I didn’t expect much and my expectations were met. He just wanted to copy some of the financial documents to put in my case file that the police could use if it comes to that.   Today was Chuito’s 37^th birthday so the family had a little get together down by the pool at the Grove Apartments. I really didn’t feel like going but felt like I should even though Adrian would be the only one there I could communicate with Only Adrian his sisters, Tutu, Gabriel and Bryan were there who was playing in the pool. I think Yolanda was happy I came but it felt strange being there without Kyle who was the glue that bound me to these people who have all moved on from Bewilder. Adrian did say that he had been offered a new position at Newrest working in the afternoon instead of the mornings. It pays better and I know Adrian preferred the mornings it may be the end of me having to get up at 4:30 to fix his breakfast.

                I felt really odd today especially after the man from the state left. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore or have any purpose. I almost feel like I am just biding my time for something new to come along or perhaps wrap things up.

                I don’t have anyone close anymore to really share my feelings. Mike Romero is a good guy but sometimes I feel worse after talking to him. I am reluctant to share with anyone fearing they will look at me and say you’re an idiot for trusting Kyle and they would be right but waves of love for him keep swelling up and I am doing everything thing just to keep from weeping constantly.

                There are worse troubles in this old world then the broken heart of an old faggot.  However what Kyle took from me was more than money and trust but also the purpose in living. I see very little point in living in a world without love. 

21 August 2025 Thursday

I am having one of those days where everything seems so overwhelming that I just want to stay in bed. Mental fatigue i suppose but Lucy says when are we eating? My pups come first my depression second.

                I stayed home today and was too lethargic to do anything but walk the pups. It was much cooler today I have to say in the low 90’s. I think August has been much hotter than July was and we haven’t had a bit of rain our way.

                Adrian donated plasma today and got $100 for it. Perhaps I will have to  resort to that. I contact Cody and he said by next week he should be able to pay me $900 so I can at least retrieve the work truck to get ready to sell. He seems to know where Kyle is living in Mexico not that I care any longer. I mean I do  but I have to say I don’t to make it real. Mike called me in the late afternoon from camping up near Coalville. He said it was raining up there. He called to tell me that he found Kyle on a Warrantee Deed along with Adrian on the house. Since it was along with Adrian I may have done that but I didn’t remember . Last year was such a mess emotionally for me.  That’s another thing I will have to check out. It just piles up. Rich Butler messaged me and asked how much I wanted for the two BBQ’s that We hadn’t used since a year ago 4^th of July.  I said I would just give them to him for all that he’s done for me over the years.  I guess I need to  adapt to the new reality or turn my face to the wall and I can’t do that as long as I have pups that depend on me.  The hardest part of all of all this is I no longer feel like I have a purpose or am connected anymore to anything. 

                I have been typing up my journal from 1979 when I worked at the Special Event’s Center at the U of U and I was married but so in love with Gary Ratliff my boss. Kyle was born in October on a rainy Wednesday and full of woe.

                I think that perhaps Kyle brought up forgotten memories of Gary as they were very much a like in appearance and cockiness. Who knows what lies in our psyches that compels us to do what we do?

22 August 2025 Friday

I went down to the Barber School on Ft. Union to get a haircut and beard trim. I must be feeling a bit better to make sure I don’t look grizzly.  I then went to Lee’s Market and bought some treats before coming back to the house and didn’t leave it again.  I didn’t do anything because I feel encumbered by all that I need to do so I need to make a list in no specific priority. 

Check the Warranty Deed for the house at the Records office

Contact Legal AID for legal advice on Taxes owed on Papi’s

Pay off the Work Truck and sell it

Rent out the basement studio

Sell tools in the garage on KSL or Facebook Market Place

Change my will

Change my medical directive

Be paid back by Bewilder

                Adrian is supposed to be helping with finding a renter for downstairs and Alejandro Puy said he would help with selling the truck.

                It was kind of humid out with isolated showers across the valley but none here.  I didn’t interact with Adrian or his mother at all today but that is okay.  It’s like I am living alone but not alone either.

23 August 2025 Saturday

About the only time I left the house was to take Adrian to the airport to catch a flight to Las Vegas to see the Backstreet Boys in concert. Taking him, it made me incredibly sad as it reminded me so much of all the times that Kyle used me during his Turo Business venture and all the times I dropped him off and picked him up. I wonder how long I will all associate Kyle with the airport. I even asked Adrian on the way there if he had heard from him but he hadn’t and basically said he doesn’t want to either as he is moving on.  Adrian implied that Alejandro Puy paid for his plane ticket. 

                After dropping him off  I came home to fix a burrito but I only ate half of it.. I really am not hungry anymore.

                I looked a bit on Facebook Market place to get an idea what tools are going for so I can list them there.

                I need to find more purpose  and joy now that I am in the final stages of my life. I would like to see Trump stroke out before I do but I guess be careful for what you wish for because JD Vance is waiting in the wings to do Peter Thiel’s bidding. 

24 August 2025 Sunday

I fixed some pancakes and coffee for breakfast and I barely ate  a few bites and hardly any of the coffee. I had a sour stomach  this morning I suppose.  I was expecting to have to go pick Adrian up at the airport buy was surprised when he came home around 2:30. He said that Alejandro brought him home. It was just as well as I didn’t really want to go to the airport again and relieve memories of broken dreams. 

It was much cooler today. The weather has finally cooled down so hopefully our heat wave is over ... it was 74 degrees out walking the pups this morning and it was trying to sprinkle but not much at all, but grateful for it not being 100 degrees and drying out all my roses ....only the sunflowers seem to have thrived.

 In the evening I did go to Little Caesar Pizza and bought a cheese pizza to share. Funny that inflation has even hit them as they always were just $5 and now they are $7, still a deal for what you get although I am not a fan of Little Caesar’s.

                I was kind of bored today but didn’t want to go anywhere or visit anyone. Even watching TV is something that just doesn’t interest me much. I did watch the 1959 “On the Beach” film by Stanley Kubrick which is an apocalyptic film about the end of humanity after WWIII. Anthony Perkins was the romantic lead pre Psycho which forever typed cast him as such.  I remember seeing the movie on TV when I was an adolescent and On the Beach kind of always stayed with me but I hadn’t seen it again until now. 

25 August 2025 Monday

This morning I went to the county court house and asked for a copy of my warrant deed to see if there’s any irregularities on it and it was just me listed . After that I went to D.I. to buy a new swivel chair for the computer. I think the old one was what was causing my hip to hurt. I also went to Smith’s and bought some groceries.

                I finished typing up the year 1979  from my journal and the latter half, especially December, was so  hard to reread. Fran had wrecked our car and Gary Ratliff, who I had fallen in love with, was having an affair with Kelley Carlson.  It was such a mess being 28 years old.

                I also finally finished watching the complete 12 seasons of Bones which ended in 2017. I really enjoyed the characters even if the episodes were somewhat gruesome.

 Well I did something on my list of things to do my checking the Warranty Deed for the house at the Records office. Tomorrow I guess I need to contact Legal AID for legal advice on Taxes owed on Papi’s

26 August 2025 Tuesday

I called Utah Legal Aid this morning and after getting through they said they would have someone contact me in three or four days. So that was another assignment completed. In the garage I went through two containers I had marked Kyle’s stuff and pulled out at least $300 worth of cook books and business books that Kyle had. I don’t know whether to donate them or sell them. Used books don’t really go for much. I also threw out all his prison papers and just saved some of his family photos. I am not sure why. I found a binder of all the letters he wrote me while in prison. I am not sure why I am hanging on to them as I doubt they mean anything to him as he always said he is not sentimental.

                It tried to rain a bit today. I called Mike Romero just to inform him that I went to check on the Warranty Deed and that I called Legal Aid.  I was not feeling all that well today. Not really ill, just depressed I think and still overwhelmed by the sudden change in my life.               

27 August 2025 Wednesday’

First read rain we have had all summer and even them just off and on Pay off the Work> contacted Cody McKendrick  and he said that soon he should be able to have the kitchen under control and would be able to pay me $900 to pay what is owed on the Truck so I can sell it. The basement apartment is still not rented  out> tomorrow if the weather is nice Mike Romero said he’d come over to see what we need to do to Sell the tools in the garage on KSL or Facebook Market Place. I need to still change my will and my medical directive. I wonder how much I will really be paid back from Bewilder.

                I was napping when Adrina came home and said that he got his new position at Newrest which will change his hours. Tomorrow and Friday are his days off so he said that Saturday and Sunday will be his last days working the 5:30 shift. For two weeks while he’s training he will work 8 to 5 but after that 2 until 10 with Friday and Saturdays off.  Gabriel will have to work out how to get to work on his shift from 6 to 2:30.  Johanna is now working somewhere from 3 on so I told Adrian that I can always go to pick up Brayan from school and bring him to the house to be with his grandmother.

                Later in the afternoon I heard Adrian sobbing with his mother and I went in to see what was the matter and a sad song had reminded him of Kyle and he was weeping over him. I went in and said that I too shed many tears over Kyle and that I will always love him know matter what he’s done and we can love him and not like what he’s done or trust him ever again not to hurt us. I said I don’t think Kyle is deliberately bad  but has a mental illness.  I remember 15 years ago when he adopted a persona called Jacob that he would post at the same time who would interact with his Kyle persona. I have always wondered if he has what I would call a split personality especially when he would fly into an uncontrollable rage when he couldn’t manipulate a situation . It didn’t happen often but enough that he did not seem the same person. I started entering the year 1980 from my journal into my blog. I wonder how much will I be able to enter of all my journals before I pass?  Not sure if it even matters.  Gives me something to do I suppose.

                There is speculation that Trump’s health is failing from swollen ankles, a limp walking  and dark bruises on his hands. He is 79 years old and a fat pig .   If Vance succeeds him which is likely hopefully he will fire all the cronies that Trump has installed with the help of his sycophant Republican Congress.

28 August 2025 Thursday

I woke up at 3:30 and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I looked at Facebook until I managed to nod off again. I finally was up around 8 and took the pups for their constitutional. It must have rained really a lot last night because the ground seemed soaked but during the day if was really nice out and cooled off a lot. Michael Romero came over to help me inventory all of the tools and equipment but he was really surprised how much was here. He thought it was maybe 10 or more stuff not enough to actually start a business. Randy Giles suggested perhaps finding an auction place  that might sell it has a whole lot rather than piece meal. We went to JJ Kane Auction just up the street on Redwood Road and got a person’s business card to see if that was reasonable. Mike suggested not selling it individually but as a whole so that is what I will do.

                We then went out to get something to eat and we went to Centerville’s Arctic Circle to eat. We weren’t really all that hungry. Mike is on Monjaro and is really losing weight. He’s about the thinnest I’ve seen him since I first met him. Anyway I saw a message from Cory McKendrick that he had a check for me so after dropping me off at home, I drove into Bewilder kind of dreading to see Amanda but the day bar manager was a man who just handed me the check. I was pleasantly surprised that it was for a $1000 instead of just $900 which I asked for. So I went to America First and deposited the check and saw that my pension had been deposited also. Back at the house I contacted Alejandro Puy who agreed to go with me tomorrow to pick up the truck.  So hopefully things are coming together until another shoe drops that I am not aware of.

29 August 2025 Friday

This morning I did a little grocery shopping because  Lucky had soda pop on sale and I need to buy a few things for Adrian’s breakfast. I suppose Saturday and Sunday will be my last times I have to get up at 4:30 to fix him something to take with him.

Well the Ford Workshop is back at the house parked on Daleridge. 2^nd District City Councilman Alejandro Puy went beyond helping me by driving the Ford workshop home from the A & D repair shop. I drove him down and we went by Papi’s to show him the business Kyle had put in my name.  At the repair shop I paid $860 the remaining half and Alejandro drove it home. He had to leave right away for a meeting. I know Jim Dabakis does not care much for him but I will always be grateful. Adrian helped me put the license plate on the truck as I am parking in in the street now rather than up on the property.  So that is another box checked off.

                I was working in the front yard because it was rather a nice day, weeding and cutting down irises and other plants that have gone dormant. However coming back to the house I just came inside to rest. I think more mentally fatigued than physical.

                Kyle left the Work truck on Empty and Alejandro barely made it back to the house but Mike Romero said he had a can of gas at his place he needed to use up and will bring it over tomorrow.

                This morning when walking the pups, I stopped to visit with Peter Nash who offered to help cut down the dead ash tree that died from lack of water  All the trees I planted over the 30 years I have lived here in the back yard are gone from Kyle’s plans for the yard which will never come true now.

                Waves of memories flood my mind on occasion dong carwashes and going to the airport for Turo rentals, working at Curry Connect and helping hang a huge sign, painting a pizza business down in South Jordan, helping with construction and painting at Club Verse, the Bewilder kitchen, Bismark donuts, and Papi’s. I spent the past 5 years as Kyle’s helper and certainly enabler and now I have to find something else to fill the void his abandoning me has done. “I can’t help loving that man of mine.”  I am just a maudlin old man I suppose.

                In the news there is a lot of speculation on the health of Dictator Don due to dark spots on both hands, his swollen ankles and his obvious dementia.  There was a mass shooting at a Catholic School in Minnesota injuring dozens and slaughtering two young boys. The shooter was a male to female trans however unverified reports stated that the “shooter later expressed doubts and regrets about having transitioned — which some claimed meant Westman was detransitioning — leave the question of their gender identity when the attack took place unresolved.”  He was 17 years old when he had his/her name changed from Robert to Robin. The trans died by suicide motive unknown. 

30 August 2025 Saturday

I was kind of expecting to be with Mike Romero today but he never called or came over. I worked a bit in the front yard weeding and cleaning flower beds as it was only in the 80’s today.  I went to Walmart to buy some dog treats as I was nearly out and it was the only time I went anywhere except to walk the pups.

                I was a bit melancholy today about how empty my life has become without Kyle keeping me busy with his projects. As summer is winding down I am feeling rather empty. Adrian said that he won’t start his training until Tuesday since Monday is Labor Day and intends to work until then his early morning shift so I guess Sunday won’t be my last day fixing him breakfast at 4:30.

                At one point I was feeling lonesome and joined Adrian in bed down in the studio. I just needed to be with him. My life is topsy turvy.  He sent me a message saying he posted the room on another site for a renter but we haven’t gotten one yet.  He wants to help out with the mortgage but I said I think I am good now that so much of Kyle’s mess has been cleared up.

                I think I am just running on memories and trying to figure out where I go from here without Kyle being here for me.

31 August 2025 Sunday

Well it’s the last day of August. Glad to see this August go as was a month of tears, heartbreaks, and cleaning up messes. I was up to fix Adrian his breakfast but he came home around 10:30 saying he had an upset stomach.   He slept for much of the day but Alejandro Puy came over to see how he was doing and in the late afternoon they went off together.

This morning when I went to walk the pups there was a husky unleashed roaming about so I had to walk the dogs quickly as I didn’t know whether the shepherd was friendly or not and I didn’t want to take any chances with Lucy as she is aggressive around other dogs.  I slept a lot myself this afternoon and was just up intime to feed the pups.  In the evening Jesus, Johanna, Gabriel and Brayan came over to visit with  Yolanda and Adrian.  Jack is so protective of me that he barks at what he thinks are strangers coming into the house. He even nipped at Brayan to stay away from me. I guess he is my guardian.

It's been 4 weeks now since Kyle abandoned us and left us on our own. It is probably a good thing but still memories linger that sometimes swell up into my eyes.  Why do I still love this deeply flawed man?

 

SEPTEMBER

1 September 2025 Monday

Labor Day but when you are retired all days are a holiday I suppose. Michale came over this morning an d put some gasoline in the Ford Truck but it was barely enough to go get some gasoline at 7-11 just about a half mile away.  I put in $15 in which was only about 1 fourth of a tank but good enough. I went with Michael so he could check on his trailer in Bountiful as he’s going camping tomorrow.

                I didn’t do much else the rest of the day.  This was the last time I was up at 4:30 to fix Adrian his breakfast hopefully.  When he came home from work he said that his brother in Virginia who is Chuito’s twin may be moving to Utah as he had broken up with his girlfriend. If so he may move in instead of a stranger to help with the rent. I still would rather have people I know than strangers.  Adrian said his mother hadn’t seen his brother in 3 years. He’s about ten years older than Adrian. 

2 September 2025 Tuesday

It was a very warm day again up in the 90’s. I gave Brittany Nash three cook books that she wanted from Kyle’s stash. I gave three more to Debbie the woman that often walks with me when I take the pups out. She has a little dog named Annie that is just thrilled to be with my pups. There has been a husky roaming around for a couple of days. I was worried that Lucy might attack her but she was very friendly. In the late afternoon I saw that the animal control people came and picked her up so I don’t know whether she was lost or had gotten out but someone must have called on her. Well at least she is safe now and she is a pretty dog with blue eyes so if she gets put up for adoption, someone will take her I am sure.

                Today was Adrian’s first day at his new position at Newrest. I was up at 6:30 to fix his breakfast that now he can eat here as he was up at 7 to shower and eat. He doesn’t need to be at work now until 8 for a couple of weeks.  It seems strange again that I can sleep in again and that I don’t even start my day until after 8 when Adrian is gone to work.

                I need to make a list again to check  off so I don’t just lay about. I never went any where today except walking the pups twice.  I didn’t go to the Men’s Tuesday Group again.  I wonder if I will ever go back? I saw that the Salt Lake Tribune had an article about a Yale graduate study on BYU’s police department and its involvement with the Gay purges there. I went on like to look at the complete study and saw that in the footnotes both Connell O’Donovan and I were cited many times.  You never know the influence a person may have. 

3 September 2025 Wednesday

I was up this morning at 6:30 to fix Adrian his breakfast and took a bunch of architectural books to D.I. While there I bought a robe and some longer pants as it wont be too many weeks before shorts wearing weather will be over. I also went to Smith’s to buy some groceries.  Upon coming home I see this big Gray GMC truck in the driveway and Adrian’s brother must have just arrived.

Well I have a houseful of Villalobos now.  Adrian's older brother moved here from Virginia and will be renting from me now.  He's Chuitos' twin brother. So Yolanda Perez has all her sons hijos here now.  She hadn't seen this one for three years so she is very feliz.  Milagros came over to see her brother who arrived when I was out shopping and Yolanda fixed her kids lunch and they are all gabbing away in Espanol.  I guess I will become bilingual in my old age but not bisexual.

So the house is full of Spanish speakers because Adrian’s brother doesn’t speak English so I guess this is  what it will be like after I am dead with the house full of Columbians. When mom and dad moved away from Dale street after 35 years the house became the home of Vietnamese. I have lived here almost 30 years> I wonder if I will make it to 35 years.

When I took the pups out for their evening walk my hip and leg hurt so much I kind of hobbled. I think it might be sciatica. Its always something.

I talked to my sister Donna today for the first time in months. She had fallen about a month ago and fractured her shoulder but its healing although her doctor said she will never be able to lift her arm above her head anymore.  She said Kevin isn’t happy with Henderson Nevada so they are considering moving again back to Arizona.

It was quite warm today in the mid nighties.  In the news a group of women victimized by Epstein testified before Congress and Trump is maintaining its all a Democratic hoax.