2015 Journal
1 January 2015 Thursday
I am 63 years old and living with three
Schnauzers at my home at 1633 Fernleaf Street on the west side of Salt Lake
City off of Redwood Road and 1700 North. Except for my diabetes I feel I’m
pretty good health and spirits although I still have a residue cough from
whatever crud laid me low before Christmas. This is my last year teaching and
the reality hasn’t quite set in yet that I am going to be on a fixed income in
the fall. My sisters and female cousins are all that I have left of a once
large family. The last of my aunts and uncles died last year. People that watch
over me now are Bill Poore and Charles Frost both I think are in more frail
health than I am. My Armenian ward is back in Salt Lake and will turn 25 on
Saturday and my love Kyle Foote is still in prison in Gunnison without a chance
for parole until December of 2016 so that is another two whole years. Well
bring it on 2015 whatever is in store for us. I am a Gay man. Another really
bitterly cold day and in the single digits this morning. I didn’t get up until
9:30 after staying up to midnight last night so I had a very late start to my
morning. So it’s now nearly 11 pm again and I just finished putting my 2014
Journal away after going through it and fixing grammar and spelling errors. 288
pages, 194,000 words, and a cast of characters villains and heroes, friends and
lovers, good times hard times, intrigues, gossip, just one slice out of my 63
years on this planet... Now I start with page one for 2015, new fresh and
blank. I started keeping a journal in 1968 when I was 16 and 17. It’s the only
way I now remember that boy and living at home my Junior and Senior year in
High School. I did not keep a journal for 1969 and 1970 except for a couple of
weeks in July after I graduated from High School. I wrote about my summer
adventures with my first love, John Cunningham. I regretted not keeping a full
journal about my freshman year in college and about my unrequited love which I
was too a shame to write about. However my memories of that year with John are
so vivid I can recall almost all of it in my mind. I kept a journal in 1971 and
kept one ever since. Some just have brief notes... some have full-fledged
details. As a Gay activist I recorded much of the history of this community
from 1986 to 1993. After that I was in a relationship for 16 years and my
writings were sparse...but with the internet my journals are huge again.
Everything earlier than the 2000's were handwritten and kept in binders. I
wrote what I observed. Being a historian I know how important journals are for
future historians... I wanted to write more on my Williams genealogy and
sit down and write a letter to Kyle Foote but somehow I just let the day slip
away. Charles Frost called me to visit. We talked about how unhappy we were for
the choices Restore Our Humanity made for Shelby Awards they want to give out.
One of them is to Valarie Larabee and for that reason alone I won’t go. It was
not a very good start for a New Year for Doug and him because when they came
home from the Jane Lynch Event at Park City which he was disappointed by their
garage door spring broke, probably from the incredible cold weather and now
they have to have some come fix it. More expense. We talked for about two hours
and then later in the afternoon Bill Poore came over with Christmas Candy that
I can bring to school and share with the kids. We talked awhile to about the
community and after he left it was nearly 5 so there went the day. Lucky was
being really antsy so took him and Buddy for a ride. Daisy didn’t want to go.
Then I fed them chicken thighs worked on my journal and made banana date nut
bread from some over ripe bananas I had in the house. Except for taking the
dogs for a ride I didn’t leave the house all day. So here it is. The
start of a new year again. I posted that my new year resolutions were to have a
birthday this year, retire this year, and not die this year. In the evening
Kevin Scott called me to talk about the movie about Alan Turing. He said it
touched him and wanted to share that with someone who would know who Alan
Turing was. Kent Scadlock wanted to take me to lunch tomorrow so I guess we
will go to the Red Iguana. Other than that I hadn’t heard from anyone else
·
Dear Kyle, I can’t let
the day go by without writing to wish you a good New Year. I didn’t wish a
happy one under your circumstances but I do wish you a good one where you are
productive, healthy, recovering, and find some measure of peace. I hope you start
getting paid for your volunteerism and that your skills and talents are
appreciated. I also hope you find a friend in there to keep you company and you
can share your knowledge and intellect with. On Tuesday the day before New Year
Eve, Charles came over to hot tub and visit. He is still looking for work
although he gets a little money from being an advisor to SAGE from the Pride
Compound. He and Doug were invited by Babs DeLay to go see Jane Lynch perform
at Park City on New Year Eve. Tickets were $150 although I think Bab’s 4
tickets were comps but they sat center seats on the second row. Charles said he
and Doug were an island in a sea of Power Lesbians…the Michelle Turpin’s,
Marquarts, you know the type. Anyway Charles said the show was dismal because
all Jane Lynch did was sing. No stand up monolog, no interaction with the
audience, and I guess she got a chilly reception when she kept referring to
herself as a “tall Gay woman”. That didn’t sit well with the PC “Lesbians” who
hate the term “Gay”. There was an after show party with Jane Lynch at
that expensive hotel in Park City the one you have to take a ski lift to. But
Charles didn’t go because it was freezing up there and there a huge line of
people waiting to get on the lifts. He said he wasn’t Lesbian enough to brave
the elements. Then when they got home the cold cold weather made their
garage door spring snap so they couldn’t easily open the garage. He couldn’t
get someone out until Friday to fix it, Thursday being News Years and all. I
stayed home New Year Eve and an old friend, visiting from California,
wanted to come and see me. His name is James Connelly and I knew him when he
was 18 years old and was just coming out. He attached himself to me and the
support groups I ran because back in those days there were no Pride Center, or
Youth Group, or support of any kind for young people. I was a mentor for him.
Gosh he’s in his early 40’s now. He was going to live with me as a roommate
back in 1993 but he was so allergic to my cat Billy…lol. He is a handy man guy
like you. He bought an old house on Herbert Street in SLC for $75,000 and
completely remodeled it. However the foundation was cracked and it would have
caused a fortune back then to lift the house and repair it. I think he made
$15,000 on it though and this was back 20 years ago. He thought it incredible
what you did building the deck. It really finished off the house. He also
helped me lay all the sod when my house was brand new. I was 45 then and having
a 24 year old help was a god send to me. He moved shortly after that to
California with a boyfriend and I haven’t seen him since then. He remembered
the house when it had no trees and the inside was freshly painted “taffy” which
turned out to be pink. When you painted over it the paint had faded to a beige
ha! He came over with his English Lab Sadie and he accidently dropped a bottle
of cabernet he was bringing over on the front steps. He felt so bad and it
looked like a crime scene with pools of purple looking a lot like blood ha! And
it was freezing cold so it turned to slush real quick. We had a good time
catching up. I fixed Spanish Rice and an enchilada casserole. I did stay up to
midnight but not so much to see the new year in as much as to working on my
typing up family histories. On New Year Day Bill Poore came over with all this
Candy I can give to the kids when I go back to work. That pretty much was
my new year. I am sure they didn’t let y’all stay up to watch the ball drop in
New York City. I wish you would have known me back in the day. The people who
knew me back then as an activist still love me to this day because of the help
and support and Gay affirmative attitude I always championed. Just the other
day I got a text from Steve Brackenbury who grew up in Spanish Fork and knew
Charles as a drama teacher. He had just came out in 1986 about 24 years old
when I met him. But he was already married and divorced with a kid. I helped
him form a Gay Fathers support group because that’s what I do form groups,
which he ran as director until moving off to California in 1987 where he has
lived since but he loves me to this day. When you make an impact on young
people’s lives at crucial times in their lives they always remember you. He
wrote me to get my take on a situation he was in. I think you will find this
interesting, “Hey Ben, I wanted to share something with you because you are one
of the few people I know who will recognize the interesting predicament that I
find myself in. Tonight, Frank and I are having dinner with our closest
friends. All of these friends are straight and of course they care for and love
us. However (and I am making assumptions here) they probably do not understand
on a deeper level many things about what it means to be gay in America or some
of the struggles or the history that we have endured. I am aware of this
because I have mentioned some things that have created surprised looks. All of
these folks have other friends or acquaintances who are gay, in fact my friend
Erin worked for years on Broadway as a publicist and worked closely with Alan
Cumming in the first remake of "Cabaret" so she is no stranger to gay
men. However, when she was going to Uganda last summer to do work for the
Rotary club she asked Frank to go and he refused because of their anti-gay
laws. Erin was surprised because she did not know about it. So, bottom line,
good people who support gay rights but aren't invested in them like you and I.
So one of our group, Kale (pronounced "Kal-Lay" - she is Swedish),
went through a divorce a few years back and found a new boyfriend this last
year who will be at the dinner. I have not seen her for a long while, typical
story of someone pairing up with a new boyfriend and not being around. He is
wealthy and retired and they have been traveling a lot, but tonight I get to
meet him. He is a former successful lawyer and his name is Doug Schmidt. Sound
familiar? He was the defense attorney for Dan White. It would not be
unreasonable to say that Douglas Schmidt's successful defense of Dan White
(that led to a "diminished capacity" ruling and a guilty verdict of
"voluntary manslaughter') resulted in the rioting that followed and the
open, illegal, police brutality that ensued. And I will be having dinner with
this man tonight. Of course, I will not mar my guests or my friends enjoyable
evening by bringing that subject up but I will be uncomfortable in a way that
they will not be. Schmidt stacked the jury in White's favor and stoked the
flames of bias against Milk and Moscone. We do have our closest friend, our
next door neighbor, Judith, who DOES understand all of this. Her daughter is
lesbian and Judith is good friends with Carol Silver, the other supervisor who
White had targeted for execution. I have discussed with her how I would handle
being at a party with this guy and she expressed the same uncomfortable
feelings that I have. Well, that was long winded but I thought you might find
it as interesting as I do, albeit an uncomfortable proposition. I am
curious as to what your take on this would be. I wrote him back-“A lawyer's job
is to get his client off... That being said most lawyers leave their conscience
outside the courtroom... That he's a historical figure will give you lots of
future stories to tell... However if Kale is not really a friend and you don't
care if she is a part of your life...I'd tell her that you'd be uncomfortable
being around the man she is fucking because of his involvement with defending
the assassin of Harvey Milk... If she is too close of a friend you are going to
have to suck it up... However serve Twinkies for dessert... Let your own
conscience be your guide.” (Dan White’s only being charged with manslaughter
for the premediated murders of Harvey Milk and the Mayor of San Francisco was
because of what was called the “Twinkie” Defense because Schmitz claimed White
wasn’t responsible for his actions due to depression and eating junk food.)
This is what he wrote to me-Hey Ben, thanks for the reply. I knew you would
have a measured take on the whole thing. I especially love the Twinkies for
dessert, Frank said the same thing. Well after all of that, the happy couple
did not show but I was told last night that they will be joining our group for
a friend's birthday dinner on the 24th. As Frank pointed out, it only matters
to me and if we were dining with a group of young gay men, they probably
wouldn't have a fucking clue what the guy was all about (or care). Sad but
true, I think. Harvey Milk's life was a huge inspiration for me and after I
moved to California, I met so many others who were touched by him and whose
lives had become one of purpose and forward momentum for the gay community. I
suppose that is why I find this guy offensive. I cannot fathom doing a job that
would leave your conscience at the door. I count myself lucky and I am grateful
to know those who are not like him and have made a difference in a positive
way. Thanks for your perspective. I know how I am going to handle this one.
Have a great New Year. I loved your resolutions. Made me laugh out loud. He was
referring to my Resolutions for 2015- “Have a birthday. Retire. Don’t die.” He
also wrote me “You came into my life at a pivotal moment and I will always be
grateful for that.” You hold a special place marker in my life. You are one of
the few heroes that I have known and that is not bullshit. It has always been a
pleasure to say that I have known you once, for those times that were golden
with your goodness and the ways you enriched my life. So... You are carried
with kindness, like a happy souvenir, within my heart.” New Years must bring
out the nostalgia because I also got a text from a man I knew some 25 years ago
named Doug Webb. I met him at Affirmation and he was boyfriends with a Ballet
West dancer named Bobbie Martinez who later died of AIDS. He was so beautiful
but not half as beautiful as Doug. Doug was tall, black hair, and the most
piercing intense blue eyes I had ever seen. I also called him Mr. Beautiful
Blues Eyes and he would blush. I don’t think anyone ever told him how beautiful
he was inside and out. The pair attached themselves to me because I made them
feel proud and not a shame which their Mormon background had done such a number
on so many of these kids. They were in their 20’s when I met them and I know
they needed to hear my extremist Gay Liberationist Rhetoric…It was like almost
all Gay guys I knew were filled with toxic poison and my words were like a
tonic so they could purge. I always said Utah’s Gays were the Walking Wounded
and if we can’t bind their broken hearts who would? Anyway out of the blue on
New Years Eve he texted me. Not even sure how he got my number and wrote me
“Happy New Year Ben may joy, peace, and prosperity be abundant this new year
for us… words fall short expressing how I’ve gotten the opportunity to know you
these many years. God Bless us, everyone! You’ve been in my thoughts amidst the
dearest, most influential friends this season. You are more an affluence for
good than I believe you know. God Bless you, brother, Doug.” I was glad to hear
that Jamie sent you a card to catch you up on your family and to reestablish
contact. Did you ever hear from your other sister? Wonder if that address
was any good. Kyle when your punishment is over for the foolishness of your
youth I truly and sincerely hope you will turn your life around to do good in
this old world. You were not meant to live a life in prison either of your own
making by desiring materialistic vanities nor by the full force of the law.
Perhaps everything was taken away from you so that you can know what has true
value and what is meaningless. Things will never fill a void that only love,
friendship, and affection can. Live your life to make a difference in
yours and others so that 25 years from now people will write you and tell you
how valued and loved you are for what you stood for and not for what you have.
You never have to pretend to be something you are not. But you need to search
your core to rediscover who Kyle really is and not who people say Kyle is. It
saddens me that the layers and layers you are surrounding yourself with in
order to preserve that core may actually damage that core. Please never let
those layers become who you think you are. Keep them loose so you can shed
them. Don’t let them smother your heart and your dreams. I may or may not
be around when you are finally free. But when you are I hope you will be truly
free and the only place you can be and that is in your mind and spirit. Don’t
lose yourself while being incarcerated. Keep a piece of yourself … the true
Kyle, the loving Kyle, the kind Kyle, the thoughtful Kyle, the Kyle who wants
to be loved for himself…him that boy locked safely away so he will be with you
when you are released. That is the greatest treasure you have or ever
will have. I guess I will close this preachy letter. I go back to work on
Monday January 5. If the weather permits I will try to come down around Martin
Luther King holiday. Until then know there are people who love you… so keep
loving yourself. There are people who forgive you so keep forgiving
yourself. I miss you more than you can know. Your family for better or
worse. Ben
2 June 2015 Friday
I went and picked up my prescriptions from Smiths this morning
then went and got a haircut and beard trim. Feel so much better today. I went
and met Kent Scadlock for lunch at Red Iguana on 9th West. He wanted
to take me to lunch and get to reacquainted. I really don’t like Red Iguana and
it’s supposed to be the best Mexican Food in the city. I ordered Chili Verde
and I could hardly eat it. I make it so much better. Anyway found out why Kent
and Rocky had a falling out. I guess Kent had a really rough go last year when
at the first of the year he broke his hip and arm when he fell mopping. He was
in the hospital off and on for nearly 4 months! Yikes! Anyway Rocky had been
sponging off of Kent for quite a while helping him pay his rent and feeding him
and then Rocky at one point turned on him saying that Kent was bringing him
down and since he had been away from him he’s been shitting unicorns and
farting rainbows because he is better being away from him. Then I told him how
that Rocky is mostly a user and will do nothing unless it benefits him. He acts
like he’s your friend but will never help or be there when you need him. I have
had him over for dinner many times and he’s never once offered to take me to
lunch or over to eat. Oh well I am so over him anyway. We talked a little bit
about forming the Sacred Faeries without Rocky. After eating we went off to the
DI at Welfare Square because he had never been there. It was fun being silly
and we both bought some sheets and Chinese Coolie hats. I like Kent. I think he
and Bill and I could become friends. In the evening I just did research and feel
like I know now where my distant Welsh relatives came from in the Old World
before coming to Virginia. There’s a place called the Vale de Neath in
Glamorganshire Wales where the Williams Clan had lived for centuries. It’s also
the region that had the most Irish immigrants in the first millennium which
would make perfect sense how my Irish DNA made it into Wales. Anyway that’s
what I have been doing. I missed Kyle a lot today. Or maybe I just miss the
object of my misplaced affection. I am not even going to go there.
3 January 2015 Saturday
Worked all day on a blog I am creating for the Williams
Genealogy. I want to get all of this on line before it’s too late.
4 January 2015 Sunday
Buddy and I have been sleeping in until 730 over the Winter
Break ...we will need a wakeup call to get back in the groove of waking up at 6
a.m. When school starts back up tomorrow. I am already having dreams of being
in the class room so it is time... Maybe if I start going back to bed at 9:30
instead of 12:30 that would help .... I have been compiling my genealogical
research on a blog ... Snow is melting by turning into ice cycles... Kevin
Scott and Jose Castillo came over for a little visit this afternoon and
relaxation in the hot tub. Had a nice time and a great way to end my winter break.
Wanted to create a family history Blog over the break and I did but I took way
too much time sorting Williamses in Colonial Virginia. Reading how the Native
Americans almost drove the English out. In 1622 nearly a third of the colonists
were massacred by the Powhatan Confederation...if they would of stayed on the
offensive... Virginia may have been another lost colony like Roanoke. The
tribal Confederation tried it again in 1644 massacring 500 men women and
children but the colony had grown in the 20 years in between that only ten
percent of the settlers were killed. Rough times when cultures clash...
5 January 2015 Monday
Back to school this morning after a restless sleep with a rash
again on my back that kept me from a restless sleep. Oh how I hate to get up in
the morning...especially when the pups are sound asleep and it's pitch black
out but drinking my coffee and eating my oatmeal I will be up and at 'em when
the tykes rush back to school eager to learn. I was tired almost day and don’t
really feel well like I have caught another bug. At least the weather warmed up
enough to melt much of the snow. The district said they will give me $200 if I
let them know I am retiring by February 2 so they can plan for how many
teachers they will next year. I guess it’s becoming real and after 28 years it
will be strange not calling myself a teacher.
6 January 2015 Tuesday
Dear Kyle, I got your letter from New Years
Day today the 6th. You should have gotten my letter to you from the
1st too by now. I have sorry you lost your celly and hope they
place someone with you of the same temperament and age. When I went to
BYU so many years ago, you rented just your space in an apartment. If it was a
4 person apartment you lived with 3 strangers unless you had friends move
in. The landlord could place anyone in the apartment and you could have
had to share a room with a complete stranger which happened to me a few times.
On the flip side, in the summer when most kids went home, you could have a
place all to yourself. I think we paid $40 per person so the landlord was
making $160 a month but then if you were ever by yourself you still only had to
pay $40. It was always a worry who you’d get moving in. Cause some of
those guys were loony tunes and would turn you in to standards at a drop of a
hat or they would insist on a group prayer before going to bed. LOL
Most the time the boys were really cute and we all shared one bathroom which I
know would have bugged you. Ah those were the days. Well the prison relocation
is still up in the air with a state representative from Tooele proposing a bill
to keep the prison where it is in Draper but the swindlers I mean developers
that plan on make a boodle on the deal is up in arms against it. It’s kind of
amazing how quickly gas prices have fallen. The 7-11 down the street is now
$2.01 and many places it’s under two bucks. I never thought we’d see these
kinds of prices again in my life time. When I went down in Thanksgiving to see
you I paid $3.45 a gallon and last summer I was paying $3.70 a gallon. It used
to cost about $45 to fill up the truck to go see you but when I saw you at
Christmas it was under $30 and I bet now it would be less than $25. How will I
know when you call? Will there be a weird extension? I rarely pick up if I
don’t recognize a number. If I don’t I hope they will let you leave a message
so I can program the number into my phone. The weather warmed from the frigid
temperatures we had in December. In the 40’s hear and most of the snow we had
is melted. But we are starting to get our inversions. I haven’t been feeling
well. Got some type of dry skin going on that itches like mad at night so that
I can hardly sleep. Finally went to urgent care to see what it was and the
doctor said he was sure it was dry skin and he gave me a prescription for some
steroid cream. This Dr. was really really cute probably late 20’s and not
from Utah because he asked if I’d lived in Utah long and I said longer
than Brigham Young but I am not a native. It made him laugh. He said he was new
to Utah and the dry air does the same thing to his skin so he commiserated with
me. He was super friendly and when he saw I had my prescription going to Rose
Park he asked how I liked it… He said his “buddy” and he had been looking at
property in the Marmalade area west of 3rd West because it’s nearly
impossible to buy downtown and on the east side. So he and I were really
chatty. If you are not feeling well its pleasant to have a cute doctor look
after you. I officially sent my intention letter to the district that I will be
retiring this year. They had sent out a general letter saying that they had a
$200 incentive if you let the Human Resources know by February 2 that you were
retiring. I thought I might as well get some money out of it since I was
planning on letting them know in February anyway. Seems kind of final. I’ve
worked steadily since you were 9 years old and never changed jobs so it will
seem weird not to get up and go teach school. I have good kids this year so I
am grateful that my last year of my career will end on a positive note. I
worked a lot over the break on some old genealogy that I wanted to post to a
blog to get it out on the internet. So I keep myself busy even being a
shut in. I don’t know a lot of news or gossip. You know how slow the beginning
of the year can be. Everyone seems to be fine. Heard that some tea company in
Seattle is hassling Seth and Michael over the name of their tea company.
They say The Queens’ Tea is too similar to their brand Queen Mary’s Tea Room.
Ridiculous but they are shutting down some of their business because they don’t
have the money to carry on an extensive law suit. Tomorrow the 7th
is the 38 anniversary of my getting married. I proposed to Fran on New Years
Eve and we were married on the 7th. I suppose I am certainly old
enough to have had a son your age. My youngest nephew was born November 1, 1979
just a few weeks after you. Well I know this letter will seem short, I don’t
have a lot more to write about and since its 7:30 I think I will close this
letter and get ready for bed. I hope the new year will be a good one for both
of us. Take care and much love and friendship Ben
7 January 2015 Wednesday
Fran and I were married a life time ago on this date in 1977
here in Salt Lake City. I fixed enchiladas and Spanish Rice for tomorrow
because I didn’t want to have to rush about and I still have to straight up the
house. The west is outraged that terrorist entered the office of the satirical
magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and slaughtered cartoonists and an editor there
for publishing satire about Muslims and Mohammed. In the process they murdered
12 people. FB is lit up with comments. Freedom of Religion also means freedom
from religion... Paris has taught us we must resolve to defend Voltaire’s
Belief. I may not agree with you but I will defend your right to say it ... If Muslims
want respect they better learn to respect others and censor their own imams or
leaders who advocate death to people who they disagree with.
8 January 2015 Thursday
Today was Elvis Presley's 80th Birthday...He was 42 when he died
in 1977. I’ve out lived him by 21 years.... I finally am able to get some
sleep. Amazing what a little steroid cream will do to alleviate itchy dry skin
and amazing what being able to sleep at night will do... My doctor also said
plain Vaseline will seal in moisture too if skin gets to dry. I believe him
because he's so cute I spent a fun evening feeding Seth Anderson and Michael
Ferguson meatless enchiladas and Spanish Rice. We had a lively discussion on
the queer spirit and Gay as a construct. Later we went to the movie room and we
watched a movie as part of their “edu-gay-tion” I could not believe that they
had never even heard of Torch Song Trilogy. I could tell they were fascinated
by it and upset when the Matthew Broderick character is killed. Well time for
bed because I am old and it’s a school night and the tragedy in Paris is so
demoralizing.
9 January 2015 Friday
Thought about John Cunningham a lot today on what would have
been his 64th birthday. How is it possible that I still love this
man? I just knew that the brief time we were together in 1969 and 1970 that I
would love him until the day I die. He implanted himself on my heart and has
been a part of my soul from the day I saw that beam of light rest on him in
Mrs. Appy’s English Class in March of 1969. After school we were told that we
had to start the SAGE interim testing for 3 through 6th grade next
Monday…That a pain because I won’t be able to take any time off while we are
testing because only certified teachers can administer the test. Later Adele
called me in and asked if I knew Susan McAdams. I said sure we taught for years
and years together at Orchard. She said to sit down then she told me that she
had passed away at the end of December. I was stunned. I guess she died over
the winter break on December 30th probably from a blood clot.
Actually I was surprised she was still working since she was 68. She was a
great teacher and a great person. She raised a family by herself on a teacher's
salary and she was a fun coworker. I am really sadden by her death. She was
still teaching at Adelaide as a counselor when she passed away. Her death
reinforced my resolve that I need to retire now and enjoy what time I have left
but I also know Susan was doing what she loved and that is teaching. She is
also the mother of Ben McAdams. The weather was warm enough today so I drained
the hot tub after getting home from school. I wiped it completely down and it
wasn't very dirty so the roof that Kyle G. Daniels and Amy Barry built for me last
summer must be doing the trick. However I way over filled it because left the
house to delivered some sugar free cough drops and a kettle full of homemade
chicken noodle soup to Chuck Whyte. He's down with some kind of bronchial cru,
may be even pneumonia. Chicken Soup is Jewish penicillin. Anyway when I got
home it was overflowing so the first time anyone gets in it, it will be
like splash mountain. Now I am in for the evening as its getting foggy out here
by the Jordan River mixed with the crap in the air. Now to work on genealogy. I
did ask Kent Scadlock. Lon Breedan, and Bill Poore if they wanted to come over
to watch a movie. I figured since the house is clean might as well take
advantage of it and invite people over. One of the reasons I cleaned out the
hot tub. The Terrorists who killed the cartoonists in Paris and held up the
Jewish Deli are dead now and the only 72 virgins they will ever see are maggots
and worms. Now let them be forgotten and remember that free thought no matter
how offensive is worth defending... It's the bedrock principle of Western
Civilization thanks to the French and English Enlightenment ... Religious
bigotry and superstition in all forms should be allowed but not allowed to
replace reason and individualism in governing a free people
10 January 2015 Saturday
I went in to work this morning and the building was locked up.
It was supposed to be open so oh well. Kent Scadlock sent me a message to
cancel our get together tonight because he’s in the hospital with something
wrong with his heart. They are trying some new medicine on him and he won’t be
released until Monday. Actually I was kind of relieved. My dryer won't dry...
it tumbles like a good boy but won't dry so should I have a repair man come out
and check the heating element or just break down and buy new? It’s a stackable
so I could just by a dryer since the washing machine still works. Well things
do wear out like me. Worked all day on genealogy and did little else. This is
why I need a man around the house. LOL
11 January 2015 Sunday
Worked on the Williams Colonial histories today a lot but took
time to go to The Jam for Michael Ferguson’s Broadway Church at 11:00. It’s his
drag persona Madam Fergie and another guy called Apostle Paul. Maybe because it
was a dreary morning with light drizzle and an inversion but hardly anyone was
there. Perhaps 10 people. Jam had a brunch for $5.00 but I already had a
substantial breakfast of sausage and eggs. It really didn’t get going until
11:30 and Michael did most of the singing to Karaoke music of show tunes, most
of which I didn’t know but O Bless the Lord My Soul from Godspell I did know
and sang along but for some reason when he had them do I Dreamed a Dream from
Le Miz I got very emotional and was afraid I was going to choke up so I went to
the bathroom and composed myself and then made an excuse to Seth to go on home.
I didn’t talk to anyone the rest of the day but just worked on my
genealogy that I think was giving me mental fatigue. I bet more Gay people
watched TLC's My Husband is Not Gay than straight people did tonight! What
would be the appeal to them? Closet cases and incensed Gay men probably shot
the ratings up... I doubt whether Lesbians watched either... There's a reason I
don't have cable TV. I went to bed around 8:30 when I get a frantic phone call
from Levon saying he had been stranded in Park City by Dave after a fight. He
asked if he could stay with me for a few weeks and of course I said yes…however
he said the buses had all left and that he’d take a taxi down. I don’t think he
has any idea how expensive that would be. But I just couldn’t commit myself to
drive all the way to Park City on a dark rainy night to rescue him. I didn’t
feel well and I know tomorrow is going to be a bitch and I’d have to get up
early to prepare lessons since I couldn’t get in the building yesterday. I told
him that I’d leave the front door open for him. Then about two in the morning I
get a text message that he was okay and that there had been big changes whatever
that meant. But he said he was okay. Drama.
12 January 2015 Monday
I woke up at 5:30 to get ready to go into school early at 7 and
I was really tired all day because of it. Dreary day with an indoor
recess this morning. Had to cancel my dentist appointment because we were
informed Friday that we will be testing on Sage for two weeks and no one can
proctor the test but authorized teachers. We started today. Oh joy.
It began raining hard when I left work. Didn’t do anything this evening except
write a long letter to Kyle today.
·
Dear Kyle, I hope you
are well and being productive with your time. I thought I’d sit down and write
you a long letter this rainy gloomy Monday evening. At least it’s not snowing
but sure it will tonight. It’s been warm enough this January that all the snow
from December is gone and instead of a blizzard we are having rain. I am not
complaining because I know there’s plenty of snow in the mountains. This letter
might just be a ramble because I don’t have a lot of news to report at
all. I turned in my resignation letter a week ago to inform the District
that I am retiring. They sent me some forms to make it official but I am going
to wait until I see my financial planner just to help me go through the steps.
The 2nd term ends this Friday so my last year will be half over then. The
last week in January I will have the last Parent Teachers Conference I will
ever have to do. Last Friday I heard some sad to news for me when I was told
that an old colleague I had worked with for 12 years at Orchard had died the last
of December. Susan McAdams was also Ben McAdams mom. Susan and I had taught
together in 6th grade for years and our team would go out to lunch together.
She was a neat woman and I was sad to hear she passed away. She was still
working in the District as a Counselor at Adelaide El and died at the end of
the winter break. I guess she died of a heart attack quickly because it
was just a half an hour between when some of her family left and others dropped
by to find her gone. She was 68 and I will be 64 in a few months. You
never know how much time we have on this side of the veil of tears but her
death confirmed I am doing the right thing by retiring now and not waiting. If
I have 5 more good years to write my books and get my works in order then I
will be happy to go except I will hate leaving Lucky behind because he’s a
young dog. So I will try and stick around as long as I can to take care
of him. After that I will be too old to be taking care of anyone or
anything and I certainly don’t want people to have to take care of me. What a
blessing just to fly away like Susan did, like my dad and mom did rather than
linger and suffer. I think I may have to get a new dryer. The dryer on the
stackable is not heating to dry the clothes. It just started this weekend. I
took the vent hose off because I heard that sometimes that can clog up and not
let the dryer get enough air. But even with the vent off it is not getting hot
so I think it’s the heating element. I guess I will have to have someone come
and look at it. But I also am thinking of getting new appliances because that
stackable is already 10 years old and I do have room down stairs for a side by
side. Or I may just buy a dryer and use the washing machine until it goes out.
Have you decided to go back to Strive to be with your old friends. Have
you got a new celly. Is he nice? I mean as nice as someone can be who was sent
to prison. Hopefully white collar crime and not an ax murderer. I think my last
letter to you was on January 6th. Gas prices are still coming down since
I wrote you last week. At Smith’s they are $1.95, which is kind of shocking
after seeing them under the Bush Administration climb up to $3.95 at one point.
I got a 20 cent discount and paid $1.75 to fill the PT Cruiser up. It’s the
first time since buying that car in 2007 that I have been able to fill it up
for $20. If I would have taken my 30 cent discount rather than the 20 I could
have filled it up for under $20! I think I told you I went to the doctors
because of I itched so much I couldn’t sleep. Turned out to be mostly dry skin.
Amazing what a little steroid cream will do to alleviate itchy dry skin and
amazing what being able to sleep at night will do. I started feeling much
better after I started using creams and lotions. My doctor also said that plain
Vaseline will seal in moisture too if the skin gets to dry. I believe him
because he's so cute. All Facebook is talking about these days is the
murder of the cartoonists and journalists in Paris. I imagine you followed it
too. It makes most people angry more than scared. Fundamentalism, whether it be
Muslim or Christian, is diametrically opposed to the concepts of the Western
Enlightenment on which modern civilization is built. So few know today that our
American liberties were based on the philosophers of the Age of Reason,
Voltaire John Lock Rousseau not Moses, Paul or even Jesus Christ. We need to
stand up and call these so called Christians liars who try to reinterpret
history as the tea partisans are doing like in Texas. Extremists in both these
religions will send us back to anti science times of the Dark Ages and wipe out
individual freedoms and conscience. They don’t care because their belief
systems all surround death and not life. So glad I am a Humanist and not some
old Sectarian. So glad also I live in America where Freedom of Religion also
means freedom from religion. If the deaths in Paris is to teach us anything it
is that we must resolve to defend Voltaire’s central tenant that I may not
agree with you but I will defend to the death your right to say it .If Muslims
want respect from the west they better learn to respect others and censor their
own imams or leaders who advocate death to people who they disagree with.
I hear people say that Islam doesn’t teach violence well I say tell it to the
people that are publicly whipped, hanged, or even stoned to death according to
Sharia Law. Mormons aren’t immune from this Religious fanaticism either.
Brigham Young made avenging the death of Joseph Smith and Hyrum Smith part of
the “sacred endowment” ceremony in 1845.. He made it a sacred duty to kill the
people in the mob that lynched Smith "You and each of you do covenant and
promise that you will pray and never cease to pray to Almighty God to avenge
the blood of the prophets upon this nation, and that you will teach the same to
your children and to your children's children unto the third and fourth
generation." This oath was not even removed from the temple until the
1930s...early Mormons justified killing the Fancher Baker Party for allegedly
speaking ill of the prophets. By the time you went through the temples
the penalties where you agree to have your throat slit and bowels slashed open
were removed. But they made me take those oaths that I agreed to have people
kill me if I told anyone the signs and tokens. It was before your time but in
the 1970’s the LeBarons were sending their avenging angels out to kill
apostates to their rivals to the supposed Keys of the Kingdom of the fundamentalist
Mormon Churches. A meme on FB is going around saying if your religion
tells you it’s okay to kill start with yourself. Last Thursday the 8th,
Seth and Michael came over for dinner and to have a movie night. They were all
stressed out of the lawsuit that they are being threatened with by this woman
in Seattle who says they are infringing on her trademarks even though she calls
her business Queen Mary…If I was the Long Beach Queen Mary group I’d sue her
ass and see how she likes it. Anyway I made meatless enchiladas because
Seth is a Vegetarian and Spanish rice then we watched Torch Song Trilogy which
they had never seen which really astounded me. How can you be Gay and not have
seen or heard about Torch Song Trilogy? It was the first pro Gay play on
Broadway written by Harvey Fierstein and back in the 80’s won all the Tonys
there were. Young people think everything began with RENT which is just a
reworking of LeBoheme. But we had a great time and they were so into all the
emotions in Torch Song, tears laughter…. A true Gay man’s movie about finding
love and happiness. A very young Matthew Broderick is one of the main Gay
characters and his kissing scene with Brian Kerwin does not look like acting to
me lol. I drained the hot tub after getting home last Friday and wiped it
down but surprisingly it wasn't very dirty so the roof that Kyle Daniels
and Amy Barry built for me last summer must be doing the trick. I think maybe I
had gotten the rash from being in the Hot Tub too long with some friends and
that it needed cleaning. I hadn’t emptied it since October I think. However I
way over filled it so the first time anyone gets in it will be like splash
mountain. The air has been real crappy so hopefully this rain will clean some
of it out and not just be like acid rain. Chuck Whyte had been really sick and
the doctors thought that he might have pneumonia but today he said that he
didn’t. I made a huge pot of chicken noodle soup and brought it to him.
You know what they say Chicken Soup is Jewish penicillin. I have been
working a lot on genealogy lately and it’s a morass. It’s like the Williamses
in Colonial North Carolina could not think of any other names than John,
Thomas, William, Arthur, and James. Thank goodness for the Theophiluses,
Anthonys, and Stephens. There were four Welsh brothers or kinsmen who
came over in the mid 1600’s and for the next hundred years their progeny
intermarried and moved together from county to county so it’s nearly impossible
to unravel them. It’s not until my ancestor Britton Williams who was born about
1745 do I have a legal trail of documents to prove lineage. The only reason I
know these folks are my folks is from the DNA testing I did years ago. But four
brothers carrying the same Y chromosome means anyone of them could be my
granddaddy and it wouldn’t matter because we all carry the same sex cell in our
ball sack that was passed down father to sons from old King Niall of Ireland.
Sometimes you come across things that you wished you hadn’t but what happened
happened. Between 1754 and 1805 I found that nine African American slaves were
executed by being burned to death in North Carolina. As property and not people
they had no protection under the Constitution from cruel and unusual
punishment. I discovered that one of these people burned to death was executed
by distant relatives of mine. A slave woman named Jenney had poisoned her
master and his family. Two of the men, Lewis Bryan and a son Needham, died. She
must have been the cook and who knows what outrages had been perpetrated on her
for her to take this desperate measure. Three slave women testified against her
in the 1780 November Court trail but no doubt they were coerced with whippings.
One of the four Justices who condemned her to death was, Nathan Williams,
a distant uncle in my family and a cousin to the Bryan Family. "Evidences
against the said Negro Jenney & after Considering the same & the
circumstances belonging - are of the opinion that the said Negro Jenney is
Guilty of the poisoning so laid to her charge as aforesaid and do accordingly
order & sentence that the said Negro Jenney be carried back to the place of
confinement & from there to be taken to the ground of the Court green. On
Saturday the eighteenth of this instant (November) between the hours of twelve
& one of the clock in the afternoon, & there to be burnt to death by a
stake & that the Sheriff of this County see that the said sentence be
carried into execution. At the same time the Court taking the value of the said
negro under consideration do value her to Five thousand pounds currency."
Jenney was burned alive at a public execution in the public square with slaves
brought in to witness it and to terrify them. The Sheriff of Johnston County
was Lewis Bryan's nephew, another Needham Bryan. He carried out the execution by
setting the woman on fire. So much for the Gone With the Wind version of the
Old South. I searched the records of executions in North Carolina and this is
what I found. Of the executions in North Carolina between 1726 and 1961, out of
784 executions 598 of them where black or Indian. Of the 784, 9 were Native
Americans. George Sennaca was the first man executed in NC in 1722 and he was a
Native American. Twenty five African Americans were hung for a 1802 slave
revolt. 17 women were executed, all but one was black, and three of those women
were burned to death. Of the 186 white men executed, 22 of them were hung in
1864 on the same day as Confederate deserters. 76 percent of people executed in
NC were black when they only made up 20 percent of the population. Hmmm, some still
don't think there is a race problem in our justice system. Most people don’t
know that the 2nd Amendment was placed in the Bill of Rights at the insistence
of the Southern States ruling slave owning class as a means to patrol their
slaves and guard against uprisings. The well-regulated militias were not so
much against Tyranny from foreign kings but to keep down slave revolts.
The worst slave revolt in history was the Nat Turner Rebellion in 1831. It took
place in Southampton County Virginia where many of my Williams family left
their progeny. The slave revolt killed between 50 and 60 whites, slave owners.
The rebellion was crushed and nearly 300 blacks were slaughtered who had
nothing to do with the rebellion. When Nat Turner was caught he was hung,
beheaded, skin flayed and he was quartered. They wanted him good and dead. It
was the well-regulated militia that put down that slave revolt. Before getting
too smug you have to remember that Utah was a slave Territory too and they were
lynching blacks too. Besides the mayhem in Paris the main buzz on FB is that
stupid TLC program about Mormons called My Husband isn’t Gay. I bet more Gay
people watched the show than straight people from the sounds of it! What would
be the appeal to them? Closet cases and incensed Gay men probably shot the
ratings up. LOL I doubt whether Lesbians watched either... There's a reason I
don't have cable TV. I had a cousin write on FB “I watched about 15 minutes. I
think one of my daughter's dated someone who was religious (not Mormon) and
could not live the lifestyle. He has moved on and married his pregnant
girlfriend (which is also against his religion). I hope he has found
happiness.” I wrote back “We will see as he matures... It's not a
lifestyle it's an orientation...” She wrote back “For future reference, I
understand that SSA is an orientation, but isn't living openly gay a
lifestyle?” Amy Barry wrote “Is living as openly straight a lifestyle?”
Then I wrote my cousin who is a good person just a little conservative, “Being
Gay is a noun it's who we are... It's how we love and perceive the universe...
Being Gay is no more a life style than being a woman is a lifestyle... The
chemical make up our brains make us different from straights and therefore have
a different perception of the world into which we are born... SSA is a bogus term
created by right wing churches to minimize who we are... ‘Oh it's just an
attraction get over it’... Bottom line being Gay is who we fall in love with
not to who we are attracted to.. Being in love is not a lifestyle but it is a
life with style lol” I hoped it helped because she wrote back “Ok. Thanks for
clarifying. I was confused by the show last night using the terms SSA and
lifestyle. I see now from your reference to the churches why.” Okay my
responses to idiot posts: Idiot 1) “The couple admitted that he is attracted to
the same sex but he has chosen not to participate in Gay relationships and has
chosen to have a family and children. Doesn't he have that right? Why is he
labeled a freak by the gay community. Sexual attraction is very variable and so
why do we put pressure on Him to conform to others expectations?’ Response-He
is not labeled a "freak" he is labeled a self-promoting and self-loathing
Gay man. The premise of this show is to give the false impression that you can
be heterosexually married and overcome same sex attraction which is a bogus
term created by right wing religions to demean Gay relationships which are
about love not attraction. If he wants to do this to himself and subject his
wife to a passionless life that is his business but to go on a national program
and tout this as healthy… is BS. Gays can choose to have a family and have
children and be authentic which these men cannot... These are young men...let’s
see how they feel in ten years...There's a reason all the Ex-Gay organizations
have dissolved and apologized for the damage they have done to Gay men and
straight women over the years. And what is wrong with these women that they are
so damaged that they would subject themselves to these men instead of
heterosexual men who would love them as women and not a social experiment.
Hundreds if not thousands of formerly married Gay men will tell you this is all
going to end badly for these couples. You can't have physical desires to be
with a man and be straight no matter how much you want to placate your
religion. Idiot 2) SSA is not a disease, as orientation is not a sickness.
Being gay, and we must assert clear word usage, the copula "be"
denotes 'equals', so there is nothing wrong with being gay, but to be clear,
being is stative, not telic (goal oriented) or transitive. The state of being
is not a sin any more than being alive is anything more than existence itself. Behavior
is righteous or sinful. To that end everyone has afflictions whose most acute
form is a lifestyle that feels so good physically, mentally, emotionally and to
that extent in a worldly sense spiritually (though not through the Holy Ghost)
and yet draws us away from God's will and bars us from His Presence, even the
Temple. No thing is worth that and no person is worth that. The Lord's peace
exceeds the mortal duration of the age-old elevation of carnal man above God's
will. SSA is an affliction if we choose to follow it away from God, a blessing
if we sacrifice our will to God. Response- Being attracted is not the same as
who you fall in love with... it is not the same as having your heart broken...
Going crazy...Being Gay is not about being attracted to someone it's about
passion, desire, love, lust, heartache, complete joy ... Feeling that a part of
you is missing when not with the beloved... It's when he walks into a room and
it lights up and everything else disappears... It's the love between emotional
and physical equals ... If I have SSA then many others have OSA... Love cannot
be categorized as an attraction...This is what is inherently wrong with
heterosexual privilege and trying to interpret spirituality through a
heterosexual lens... You cannot know what God wants for Gay folks any more than
the Pope. To be something and then not act on your nature is unnatural. What
you suggest, because you exists in the realm of Mormon reality, is a construct
that is not real at all. Celibacy is an unnatural state. Period. What kind of
Monster God would not allow Gay folks the same access to love and affection and
having a helpmate as he does heterosexuals? If you truly believe what you wrote
you are a very cruel individual... Your own scripture says “man is that he
might have joy”... The greatest joy in my life is falling in love with
different men in my life. ... I refuse to live a life of celibacy or fake
heterosexuality to placate people with less spirituality than myself or
understanding of God’s love for me... I don't need priests and temples to understand
that my Gayness is a gift from God that makes me more loving compassionate and
sensitive to people's pain... My sexuality is also a gift from God that draws
me closer to the Holy Ghost in a way you as a straight man may never
understand... LDS people may mature someday and not see that sexuality is not a
bar from Gods love as they finally did in 1978 towards blacks... Evidently most
LDS people are not ready for more light and truth due to stiff neckedness and
harden hearts... Idiot 3) If somebody is offering me privilege, I'll take it
any way I can get it. Gay or Straight. If Gay Folks understood they are a
separate unique and peculiar people with our own special talents visions
fabulousness and joys we wouldn't be wanting to imitate something that we are
not...this is what happens when assimilationists drive our agenda instead of
liberationists... Where are those leaders that promote Gay Pride anymore rather
than just diversity? Why be gray when we were born to glitter? It's our Gay
Love that makes us strong and able to endure all that has been slung at us over
the centuries... The Queer Spirit in us thrives when we connect with one
another and withers when isolated... Privilege comes with too high of a price
for my soul Well dear friend here I am again all played out…I’ve ranted and
rave enough. As Macbeth would say: Life's but a walking shadow, a poor
player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more:
it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. This
idiot is someone who thinks of you often and wishes you a long happy reformed
life. Remember in this old world, for what it is worth, someone
loves you. For Better or worse Ben "The pride of dying rich raises the
loudest laugh in hell." —John W. Foster
13 January 2015Tuesday
Tired today. Maybe more weary than tired. My age is catching up.
There was a skiff of snow on the porch when I got up to go to work. Hard to get
motivated and I even forgot my keys to get into the school. We are doing this
SAGE interim testing all this week first thing in the morning every day until
the 26th which also begins Parent Teachers Conferences. Kids were
better today because the weather cleared up and they were able to go outside
and play. Also the rain from last night has cleared out the inversion for a
while. Getting tired of all the uproar about the TLC program My Husbands Not
Gay. I called Charles Frost this evening and I guess Levon was frantic to get a
hold of me this weekend. I guess I should keep my phone closer to me, Long Time
Companion came in the mail from Netflix today. If Seth and Michael come over
this Thursday like they planned last week, that is what I will show. I think I
will go to bed early tonight after I catch up on my journal.
14 January 2015 Wednesday
So fucking frustrated with Facebook. I get a notice that they
took down one of my pictures that they said violated community standards. It
barely had any nudity in it and what there was in the shadows later Doug
Woodall posted a full fucking erection and asshole and I get slammed! So I said
fuck it and created a new profile Edgar Ben Williams. Under the address
EddWilliams51@gmail.com. FB has been tracking me for quite a while but this
really feels personal. Had to contact Charles and Bill to get them back
on my friends list and I am slowly building it back up but what a pain in the
ass. Facebook is the main way I communicate with family and friends anymore so
this is not just an inconvenience. Anything I posted on my friends pages
under my old name, FB has wiped me out like I don’t exist. .. FB terrorism ...
Sad thing is that all the groups I once administered are now left without
anyone to run them... All my pictures saved to my old site vanished too... All
my conversations with my friends in message is Gone...the worse thing is that
there’s no judication...almighty FB acts on complaints and poof you are gone...
And they are the only game in town. Well it did clean out my friends list. So
been trying to rebuild my FB friends list back up... slowly getting there. I so
need this Martin Luther King Weekend coming up. It’s been a rough week and with
more testing next week and Parent Conferences after that it will be into
February before I take some time off. I am meeting Tuesday with my financial
planner who will walk me through all the steps I need to get all my ducks in a
row to retire. I spent 3 hours this evening writing my Lambda Lore
Column and I finished it at 9 just in time for bed. Sent it off and then I
reread and had to send Michael Aaron all these little corrections . I hate
that. You brain sees something the first time and by the time you read it the
3rd time you go Whoops! Its due today...never do something until your under the
gun.
· Lambda Lore Well there
certainly is a hullabaloo on Facebook over The Learning Channel newest
attempt at dumbing down America, as if Honey Boo Boo wasn't enough. Now they
are promoting a program called My Husband Isn’t Gay. I know, all our eyes just
rolled to the back of our heads. While there are defenders of this type of
programming, I find that the idea of marrying a woman to overcome “same sex
attraction” is a dangerous throwback to the days when Gay men were counseled
repeatedly, often by well-meaning LDS Bishops, to marry and that filthy
homosexual desires would fade with the shimmering magic of vaginal
intercourse. Nearly twenty years ago, Mormon church president Gordon B
Hinckley said, “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve
problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” And at the same time
for the past twenty years, LDS affiliated reparation therapy groups such as
Evergreen and now North Star (isn’t that the home of all the Lost Boys?) are
again pushing this notion that with enough grit and gumption by golly you can
have sex with a woman is you try hard enough and close your eyes. (Reverse that
image if you are a Lesbian married to a straight man.) LDS President
Spencer W. Kimball, in 1971 made a bold generalization about Gay people when he
said at conference. "There are said to be millions of perverts who have
relinquished their natural affection and bypassed courtship and normal marriage
relationships. This practice is spreading like a prairie fire and changing our
world. They [the perverts] are without ‘natural affection' for God, for
spouses, and even for children." Thankfully times have mostly
changed and Gay people are not called perverts by General Authorities anymore,
well at least in public, but Gays of my generation, the Baby Boomers who came
to age in the 1970’s, were bombarded with negative messages about
homosexuality. And nowhere were these barrages more incendiary than in the
Mormon Church. We were called the molesters of children; the corrupters
of youth.” The July 1974 Issue of the Ensign had this to say. “Many
homosexuals seek to introduce others into their practice, often those in their
tender, impressionable years. Many studies have indicated that such early
homosexual experience may interfere with normal sexual adjustment in subsequent
marriage…Just as the Word of Wisdom is the Lord's way with or without medical
proof of its value to our health, so likewise the moral law taught by the
Church does not require any medical proof of its value to our spiritual and
physical health. It is sufficient that the Lord has told us to marry, to have
children, and to do this according to the righteous ways of the law of God. In
this lies physical health, emotional stability, and true happiness."
It is not unfair to say that Mormon Church President Spencer
W. Kimball was obsessed with homosexuality. As an apostle he was called to
counsel with men with homosexuality tendencies, (no Same Sex
Attraction back then) and perhaps it scared the bejeezuz out of him to know
there were so many Queer men in Zion. He once said that he found it hard to
believe that one would make a conscious decision to be homosexual, instead he
concocted the idea that homosexuality had to be a spiritual disorder based on
pure “selfishness”. Without any data to support this he went on to maintain
that homosexual behavior was changeable. Kimball used as a
measurement of success at "changing" by the amount of homosexual men
who married after being counseled by him. This was proof to him that behavior
could change. It might be well noted that Boyd K Packer, Thomas Monson, and
Dallin Oaks are all contemporaries of Kimball and sustained his theories that a
cure for homosexuality is possible. Dr. Robert D. Card, M.D. was the go
to guy in the 1970’s on issues regarding homosexuality for the LDS Church. He
also supported Kimball’s belief that marriage equaled a cure. When asked about
the success rate for curing homosexuality, which at the time also included
shock treatments; many done on BYU students by Dr. Card, he replied in 1975,
“As to "curing" homosexuality, I'm afraid that the measure of success
that I'm looking for is marriage". All this is back ground material
on why so many LDS men married women in the 1970’s and 1980’s. We were told
time and time again that marriage would take away these “unnatural feelings”.
After all homosexuality was what we did not who we were. When I went into
counseling as a BYU student I was told by a therapist not to think of myself as
being a homosexual because then change is impossible. It was only something I
experienced or felt. I was young I was naïve and I believed his
bullshit. The following year I fell in love with a young man who later I
learned was married and had a son. He too had been persuaded to marry as a
cure. I was devastated when BYU and Utah County police did a raid to
purge the hidden Gay community at BYU. The young man I was in love tried
to commit suicide but I managed to save his life. I was barely
25 years old, alone and scared when I was disfellowshipped and kicked out of
BYU. Because my offense was homosexuality, I was not allowed to even attend my
former student branch. I was contagious. I was diseased. I had to be
quarantined. The irony is that if I had fooled around with a girl, yes I
would have still been disfellowshipped, but I could have remained in a
BYU branch. None of my family was Mormon. The kids at BYU were my family.
They even put us in groups and called us a family. But now I was in exile.
Expelled from Paradise and I was back then "a true believer".
Additionally each Bishop I went to during my disfellowshipment counseled me to
marry. I was young. I was smart. Homosexuality was a phase. Get married. Once
you are with a woman all with be right. Wrong desires would be replaced with
holy ones. Get married have children expand your Priesthood and all would
be made right in the sight of God. blah blah blah. But I obeyed.
Nine months after being disfellowshipped, living in a cold dark miserable
apartment in the Avenues, before they became gentrified, I was a very lonely
boy. I would sing myself to sleep singing Queen’s “Find Me Somebody to
Love.” At the time I was working as a sandwich maker at the University of
Utah where I met a very fun vivacious U student who acted like she liked me. We
dated. And to my great surprise I got an erection with her and I knew I better
take advantage of this anomaly and marry her right away. I asked her to marry
me on New Year’s Eve and we were married January 7. Our honeymoon was
held at the Gray Lynn Apartment in the Avenues, on the top floor of a small
steam heated flat. I had been taught all my life that being intimate with
a woman would be fireworks, earth shattering, cosmos splitting and an orgasmic
deluxe. Perhaps I was expecting too much. It was nice. It was pleasant. But
deep in my soul I knew that it was never going to be satisfying, passionate,
nor joyful. I felt betrayed on my wedding night by all the lies told to me by
heterosexual love songs. Now in my defense,
I did not try to hide my past. My wife had read all my journals and never once
saw the mention of a girl in them. Just John this and Larry that. She also told
me she had a Gay friend named Michael who she adored at the University.
She was no dummy. I found myself at the age of 25 in a paradox. I
was a husband and she was my wife. It seemed so backasswards. Over time my wife
and I became best friends and companions. I did my husbandly duty as expected
but not with much enthusiasm. I used our religion not to do sexual things
that just appalled me like oral sex. Back then it was an LDS no-no. We were
just friends but best friends, with some benefits. I loved her. She loved
me. But I was never "in love" with her. Not the way I had loved John
Cunningham whose memory I kept locked safely away. That was the only to hold on
to that part of me that was at my authentic core. So I Lived a lie to please my
church, my family and my wife. Slowly dying. As I began my thirties, I
grew more and more unhappy with life. I stuffed my feelings down, became numb
to any real emotions, I was devoid of any human sentiment. I was actually dead.
However by mere chance I discovered through a 12 step program that I was
unhappy because I was refusing the gift that God had given me. My Gayness. The
essence that made me compassionate, nurturing, understanding, creative,
expressive, a whole human being. But how do you unwrap 9 years spent with
your best friend? How do you tell her you have to leave her? We only had each
other. The mid 1980’s was a horrific time to come out
as a Gay man. AIDS was decimating homosexuals without a cure or even a
knowledge of how it was spreading. To be Gay was a potential death
sentence. I knew if I was to die I wanted to die an authentic human
being. I wanted to die as a Gay man. But I didn’t die. Instead I went on to help
start the Wasatch Affirmation with Russ Lane in 1986 and in the fall of that
year I started a group that many older members of the community might remember.
I called it Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. It was pointed out to me
that the acronym was MADGAL, which of course many of the wives
were. There were so many Gay married people coming out of marriages
that a support group for them was truly necessary. Broken lives and homes from
promises made that were lies to prop up doctrine. The consensus of all those
meetings was that being married cured nothing. Because being Gay is not
what we do. Its who we are. Who we fall in love with. That simple.
We are not attracted to the same sex; we fall in love with the same sex.
Being Gay means getting our heart broken by the same sex... going a bit crazy
over desire for the same sex. I don’t know what same sex attraction
is but I know what same sex “passion, desire, love, lust, heartache, and
complete joy” is. Being Gay is not an attraction it’s the feeling that a part
of you is missing when you’re not with the one you love. It's that feeling when
the entire room lights up and everything else disappears into the shadows
when the person you love enters in. Can someone please explain to me why it’s
not called “Same Sex Love”? As for my wife, she made every attempt
to try and make it work. She attended all the Gay groups I was going to. She
loved all my new Gay friends. But at last it was time to say goodbye.
After eleven years, we held each other one last time. We kissed and then she
left. That was twenty-five years ago. Maybe I did love her because
certainly my heart was broken...because I had broken hers. That to me
will be the real tragedy for these TLC couples- when the time comes that these
men break their wives hearts.
15 January 2015 Thursday
Much better day today although the dogs were
really weird last night. About 3:30 Lucky comes running in and couldn’t settle
down. He kept walking all over me and circling and then Buddy began barking so
I let him up on the bed then of course Daisy wanted to and she snuggled right
into my arms so I had to pet and love on her for a while. I bet it was 4 a.m.
before falling back to sleep then woke up late at 6:30. Made coffee, microwaved
some oat meal and toasted some English muffins.
Mostly for the dogs. I give them eat a hot dog in the morning but they
still like to share a little breakfast with me.
The inversion wasn’t as bad today but still a yellow alert day. I am frustrated by my I phone because I can’t
get into my new account as long as the phone number is tied to my old FB
account. Seth and Michael last week said they wanted to come over tonight to
watch a movie again but didn’t hear from them so won’t worry about it. Getting
a lot of people wondering what is going on with the new FB. I don’t want to go
into long details about it.
16 January 2015 Friday
Chuck Whyte texted me this morning that the
I-15 is closed between 500 South and 2800 South in Bountiful. So, both of the
exits to my school are closed. The Power lines are down because of a dump truck
with its bed up snagged a line and pulled other poles down too... South bound
commute into SLC should be a night mare but since I head north out of the city
I will be okay if I take HWY 89 through North Salt Lake like I use to do to go
to Orchard all those years. I wondered if my school even has power since they
said 20,000 people are without it in Bountiful but no one called and lights
were on when I reached Bountiful. Today is the end of the 2nd Term. It’s a
downhill slide into retirement now. Charles Frost came over this afternoon to
hot tub and visit. He really doesn’t what to go to this Shelby Awards dinner
that Restore Our Humanity is hosting at the Leonardo tomorrow but he feels like
he almost has to since he is one of the nominees for Life Time
Achievement. Becky Moss and Nicky Boyer
is up for the same award and he’s supper upset that Nikki might get it; the pot
growing granny. He said that the center is in real financial trouble and about
the only ones that still meet there are the AA groups. Heard that the Supreme
Court is going to hear the 6th District Courts ban on Gay Marriage so a
decision will be reached sometime in June whether the Constitution guarantees
equal protection under the law.
·
Ann
Clark What did the dr end up saying about your itchy skin? I have the same
problem and have thought of going to the dermatologist.
·
Benedgar
He said that it's really dry skin. He gave me some cortisone cream but he also
said that plain old Vaseline works really well because it keeps the skin from
drying out. Baby oil is good too. Lather yourself really good and if still bad
ask doctor for some cortisone cream (its cheap) it took me about 3 days for the
itch to go away. Stay away from long hot showers and just quick warm
showers. If you have a tub big enough
baking soda in warm water can take the itch away too
·
Ann
Thank you. It's been horrible. I'll try that
17 January 2015 Saturday
Since it was a beautiful day I decided to take
advantage of the weather and go to Gunnison. I filled the truck today and at
Smith’s gas is at $1.77 a gallon and with a 20 cent discount I only paid $1.57
the lowest I think I have paid since the 1990’s. I was able to put 10 gallons
in for about $16! Last summer the same
amount of gas was costing me around $40. It was a nice clear day and I was able
to see Kyle at 12:45. He was as happy to see me as I was to see him. He had to
show off these brand new sneakers he bought, since the money I had sent him
back in August finally went into his account. He said he was able to rebuy
almost everything he sent home to me after he was being transferred to Daggett
County. So that was good news and he told me that he has a new cell mate named
Jesse Martinez who is 30 and coming out to him. That was something I was wanting
for him, that he’d get a cell mate that was Gay so he could have someone who’d
understand but this is even better because I think Kyle can act as a proctor to
this kid about being Gay and out culture. We had a really good visit and when
our two hours were up for the first time I left not melancholy. I wasn’t sad
driving back home. I was happy that Kyle had someone to care about other than
himself. I wanted to be back home by
5:30 and I was because Levon wanted for us to go out to dinner and I wanted to
find out what happened in Park City. I met him at Big Lots that used to be an
Albertson on 2nd South because I was surprised to find that he moved out of Dave’s
Condo and found himself a little Studio Apartment on 3rd South and 11th East
for $550 a month. Brent Pace’s Human Rights organization paid his first month
rent but for March Rent he has to come up with it on his own. It’s a cute place
in a cute space. I brought him some
kitchen stuff and a lamp. I told him that I’d let him have this bookcase I have
stored and my old TV that Bill Poore returned.
We went to Charlie Chow Chinese on 4th South next to the Pride Center
which I heard is really struggling financially.
Back at his place we were having a really good conversation about him
and Dave being in a codependent relationship. He showed me some of the petty
texts that they had been sending each other like Middle School girls. When I
was getting ready to go Levon kind of rebuked me because he thought I was
talking too loud about Gay stuff and he was afraid people might hear us out in
the hall. I said that he needed to get over this paranoia. I said this is 2015
not 1985.
18 January 2015 Sunday
I Spent a lot of the morning going through
things and cleaning since I was having company over. So I had a nice Sunday
evening after Kent Scadlock and Lon Breedan came over for dinner and to watch a
movie. I fixed a meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, green beans in bacon bits,
corn, and garlic toast. As we were sitting down to eat Michael Ferguson and
Seth Anderson came by to drop off the truck they borrowed early to close down
their Queen’s Tea store. I had them come in and eat with us and we had a good
discussion of current events in and out of the Gay community. The boys had to
leave to finish packing but we three went to the movie room and I showed them
The Ritz because neither one had seen it. It was fun to laugh out loud. Such
great character actors. Jack Weston could say more with his face expressions
then most actors can today with a whole dialog. Kent and I are thinking of
holding a Sacred Faerie Heart Circle for Candlemas.
19 January 2015 Monday
This is my father’s Birthday. He was born in
1925 in Portales New Mexico in 1925. He would have been 90 today if he would
not have passed away the day after Christmas 2004... Like many father and sons
our relationship was complicated and being a Gay son it was very hard for him
to relate to me. Especially since I left California at the age of 21 went
through a Mormon phase, and then when he was a bit younger than I am now I came
out and told my family that my wife and I were splitting up. To my great surprise
my mom once told me that when she was crying over my revelation it was my dad
who said to her "he's the same boy we always had we just know more about
him now" it was dad that got mom to understand that they always knew I was
Gay from the time I was a little boy but they didn't know how to accept it.
They were just two farm kids that got married at 16 and 21 and doing the best
they could. I was able to take care of the TV Guide duplication this morning
and then I wrote a long letter to Kyle
Foote before heading over to Levon’s where I brought a bookcase, a television,
and some nails. I didn’t stay long but in his own way he kid of apologized for
being rude Saturday. I stopped over at Charles Frost and Doug’s to visit some
before going to Sears. I wanted to hear how the Shelby Awards went where he got
life time achievement and I also wanted to tell him about Levon moving out of
Daves and that Kyle has a Gay cell mate. We visited for about a half an hour
and then I went to Sears, where I bought me a new washer and dryer today for
about $1150. I bought me a Kenmore. It’s a generational thing. My grandparents
bought Kenmore, my parents bought Kenmores. I buy Kenmores. And if I had kids
they would buy Kenmores. They won't be delivered until Saturday so I think I
can go without going to the laundry mat. I told the sales gal there I don't
want bells and whistles and I only want top loaders. Told her that I am
retiring and might never need to wash clothes again LOL. My second mom Jean
Horan gave my parents some sound advice. She said before they retire get new
appliances because once on a fix income it will be too costly. So Jean thank
you and am still following your advice. Jean and mom were like sisters and Jean
was the only house besides mine that as a kid I could just walk in without
knocking. She died just 4 months after my mom did. Then after 5, Kyle Daniels came over because
he wanted to see me because we hadn’t interacted since last summer. We went hot
tubbing and one thing led to another and pretty soon we were in my bed
fucking. It’s been so long and I told
him that the last person to fuck me was him. I really needed it. I needed to
connect with the male sexual energy. It was pretty incredible that I should
still have that much passion to drive a young man wild. My neighborhood was
noticeably absent of flags for the national holiday yesterday though they're
sure in abundance on July 24 a nonfederal holiday. Little known fact Orrin
Hatch voted against the bill to make Martin Luther King's birthday a national
holiday...and Utahns blindly put the good Bishop back in office decade after
decade.
·
To
Bill Poore I was driving when you sent message.
I bought two Kenmore’s and they will be delivered this Saturday. They
could have done it sooner but I can't
take the time off because of this testing I have to be there for. With
everything new hoses, new everything and a two year warranty it was about $1100
which is less than what I paid for the stackable I need your address again
since it was on my other account and I can’t access that anymore
·
Bill
Poore 868 South 400 East #2 slc 84111
·
Dear Kyle, It was so good to see you Saturday
and you seemed more upbeat and hopeful than I have seen for a while. Maybe
things have settled down for you. The Holidays are over, your money came in,
and you have a good roommate who can use your vast knowledge and experience.
That is a good thing. The trip home was smooth sailing. Very little traffic and
the weather was perfect. It felt even a little warm with the sun coming through
the truck window. When I got home at 5 I found your letter from the tenth
waiting for me in the mailbox so it was a jackpot day for me. I was tickled
that you got new Sunday go to meeting shoes and that you wore them for me. It
is good for the soul to have a few nice things that can make you feel
happy. They did look nice. I was going
to write you back earlier but waited for today because it’s Martin Luther
King’s Holiday so no school but also no mail so I will get this quick letter in
the mail and it should go out tomorrow and since Gunnison is outer Mongolia
maybe you will get this time next week. I ordered you the TV guide for 56
weeks. In fact I accidently ordered it twice. The first time I got some type of
error message so I log off and back in and ordered again but evidently both
went through. I called them this morning and got one of the subscriptions
canceled but instead of a refund I paid for This Old House which was about to
expire in February. I paid for a two year subscription and hopefully you won’t
see the last two issues since your hearing is in December. As you can imagine nothing
much has occurred since our visit. Saturday evening I took Levon to dinner at
Charlie Chow on 4th South since I hadn’t
taken him out on his birthday, which was the 3rd when he turned 25 years old.
He’s finally got himself a studio apartment on 3rd South and 11th East. I think
I told you how the guy he works for (who is crazy) and him have this non sexual
love codependency relationship that is often mentally abusive because Dave is a
control freak and master manipulator.
You think our relationship is complicated LOL. Anyway I brought some household items for him
for his place. Levon’s computer skills and graphic design ability is so great
that Dave is also dependent on him and since Levon hasn’t got his work permits
back in order it’s not like he can market those skills yet. His place is ground
level and nice $550 a month which I guess in this day and age is about right
for a clean secure place. Besides he’s in the University area where they can
always charge more. But Levon is still a
mess about being openly Gay. He was upset with me when I was at his place when
he thought I was talking too loud about Gay things LOL. He speaks in a low tone
even in his own place because he is paranoid that someone out in the hall might
hear. He’ll learn but I wanted to say to him Honey you live downtown near the
University and probably half your building is filled with fags. But I didn’t.
He has to get comfortable with himself and can’t expect him to get over that
Armenian paranoid mentality that easily. If I was from a “Christian” country
nearly completely surrounded by Muslim countries I guess I would be paranoid
too. The Armenia orthodox Church is that country’s religion. I am sick to in my heart over what the
Islamic State is doing to Gay Muslim kids. Last November they took two young
kids 18 and 20 buried them up to necks and stoned them to death. And just
yesterday there’s a video out where masked ISIS criminals took two Gay men
blind folded them and threw them off a
10 story building in that city they had captured in Iraq. I have a sweet Gay
Muslim friend from Algeria who has managed to come to America and married to his American boyfriend so now he
can stay here where he is relatively safe. Hell if I was Russia, I would be
front and center on this Islam State Crap since they are on their southern
border. But I know there are plenty of “Christians” in this country who would
throw us all off high risers too if they thought they could in the name of
“Religious Liberty”. Look at those fundamental bastards that went to Uganda and
wrote the death penalty for homosexuals in that country. Muslim Terrorist group have no problem
kidnapping teen age school girls and raping them but God forbid Gay men falling
in love or just bonking. Even in Utah a bill is being introduced for “Religious
Liberty” that if it’s a deeply held belief that you hate a group you can
legally discriminate against them. Well it’s a Mormon bill to allow Mormons to
discriminate against Gays but what would prevent any group from discriminating
or setting up people as a Second Class people.
The KKK is a religious organization so can their deeply held religious
beliefs allow them to flourish? The bill might pass because it’s a message bill
that Utah doesn’t cotton to no fags because we are a family friendly state
(like Gay people aren’t members of
families) but only if your “family” matches the Leave It Beaver or
Father Knows Best models. This bill had already been passed in Arizona and was
found unconstitutional but you know how Utah likes to spend millions on message
bills showing their “family” values rather than on education for kids. I guess
you heard old Becky Lockhart, speaker of the house died suddenly. How come when
Gays die its God’s judgment on their wickedness but when a homophobic
conservative dies suddenly it’s never God’s judgment on their wickedness? Jim
Dabakis was posting on FB and fawning all over her and I thought have you
forgotten that she as Speaker of the House set aside $2million to fight against
Gay families? I haven’t. The Lockharts and Curtis Bramble think the legislature
should be a feeding trough for developers and special interests. Oh well it’s
2015 and these Utahns who cannot progress and adapt will be as extinct as the
dinosaurs. No one can tell me the LDS Church of 2015 is the same as the LDS of
1915. The LDS church is slow to adapt
but it does and changes. Joseph Smith would not recognize at all his creation
if he was “resurrected” and strolled around Temple Square. LOL…Though being the
con man he was I am sure he would be excited that his little church now is worldwide
billion dollar corporation ran by skilled business men posing as religious
leaders. I am surprised that Walmart hasn’t become a Church since it’s the same
business model as LDS Inc. Oh well it
keeps the dream alive that we will all be together in the hereafter and
compared to other religious BS at least Mormons are optimistic about the
Kingdom Come almost bordering on the arrogant. I love how some Podunk Turkey
farmer in Central Utah believes he’s gonna be a creator and destroyer in the
next life as long as he pays tithing, keeps the Word of Wisdom, and knows the
handshakes and tokens to pass by all the gate keepers of worlds without end. I
am content just to become stardust and an atomic Lego building block, to become something new in the universe. Perhaps my atoms will be
dispersed into space somehow and I return to the center of the sun from whence
everything in our little part of the endless Universe came Of course now we
hear that the Universe is not endless and will reach a point that it will
collapse again and that there are multi-verses and dimensions and that time
bends back on itself. If our paths ever cross again know that I will still love
you. I am glad you bought a ream of paper that has holes in them LOL. I now can
retire the hole puncher. Also don’t give up on exercising even if it’s a few
days a week. Maybe you and Jesse could work out together. It’s always good to
have a gym buddy to motivate you on those days you just don’t’ want to feel the
“pain” err I mean growth LOL I looked up newspaper accounts on your friend and
was able to read about what he was sent to prison for and saw a picture of him.
Of course that was 5 years ago so I am sure he has changed. We all do. Twenty-five
isn’t thirty and thirty isn’t thirty-five. Our bodies change but funny our
minds always stay youthful. At times I still feel like I am 19 years old and in
love. I am really happy that you can share you experiences with someone who you
can mentor and help. It is the first step back to wholeness to be able to care
about someone else rather than oneself.
Perhaps he’s a God send for the moment. I was wishing, since our
November visit when you were despondent and melancholy, that you’d meet someone
there that you can open up with and share the emotional part of being Gay.
Straight people just think being Gay is about blow jobs; because that is what
they can understand and it’s easier to compartmentalize us since there is no
way for them to really relate to us. But as you well no being Gay is not about
that at all. So I hope you can have someone to share and communicate with and
keep your Gay spirit alive and thriving. I am glad that there is someone who
can touch those closed off feelings and can make you cry because you have
empathy for the pain of others. Well I don’t know more to write. Charles Frost
got his Life Time Achievement Award from Restore Our Humanity instead of Nikki
so there must be some satisfaction in that and I think he is glad he decided to
go. It’s a nice glass piece of art with his name engraved in it. Well I guess he can retire now because his
lifetime is recognized LOL. The Q got best organization but Michael Aaron did
not attend. Sim Gill won the best public service and Valarie was a no show so I
heard. Sunday I had some friends over
for dinner. I fixed meat loaf and macaroni and Cheese and as we sat down to eat
Seth and Michael dropped the truck off that they borrowed to close down their
business so I had them come in and fed them too. We had fun gossiping, talking Queer Theory,
dissing the church since they are excommunicating John Dehlin for promoting
marriage equality. I said I am sorry for him but not really. If you gonna poke
the bear don’t be shocked when it eats you. He will now have Sundays off and a
ten percent pay raise. LOL After the boys left we watched The Ritz and of
course they had never seen it or heard of it. They are about 10 years younger
than me so they would have been teenagers when it came out in 1976; I told Seth
and Michael that I am sorry that this Dehlin guy still believes that those men
have some kind of magical power over him.
Oh well. Everyone I know who cares for their membership has been
excommunicated because it’s about power and abuse. I think I am the only
radical queer in Utah that has never been excommunicated because I just don’t
care and don’t choose to believe they have any authority over me. As far as
their rules go I am still an Elder with a Temple marriage and will be calling
my ex-wife out of the grave so she can enter heaven. LOL Sad that her salvation
depends on this crazy ass old fag calling her out of that grave. I know Fran
has remarried but she has never filed for a temple sealing cancelation and I
know the “strengthen the members committee” (The Inquisition) knows how to
track me down if they wanted to. Want to know something crazy? Fran will be 70
years old next month. When we married in 1977 I was 25 years old and she was
31. She was born in 1945 and I was born 1951. LOL but she was always so much
emotionally younger than me. You know me, I was the wage earner and homemaker
and Fran had a life foot loose and fancy free. No wonder she loved me. I
treated her as a human being instead of being someone subjected to my
will. Fran was this vivacious German
Norwegian Minnesota girl who had joined the Mormon Church and like me had no
other Mormons in her family. So it as she and I against the world. We were both
in a state of disfellowship when we married. She would tell people “They got me
on a morals rap.” Which would shock and amuse people. Of course I married
because my Bishops all assured me that the love of a good woman would make me
straight. All Gay men were encouraged to marry back then. I was not “sincere”
about overcoming my homosexuality and coming back into the church as a full
member unless I married. I really liked
Fran, I even loved her but I was never in love with her. While she always said
I was the best sex she ever had (I guess I had to prove something) I was never
happy or satisfied and I was the one always with a headache LOL. I was so discouraged on my honey moon night
that heterosex just wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. I felt lied to but
resigned to my fate of never knowing a relationship with real love and
passion. I bought a new washer and dryer
today at Sears. A Kenmore washer and dryer and because they were an unmatched
set I saved $100 LOL I told that gal that everything in my house is mismatched.
LOL That was about $1100 with everything delivery and pick up and a 3 year
warranty. So I should have clean clothes
until I die. Thank you those sentiments at the end of your letter about you
couldn’t be the good you without the good me. I know you don’t remember because
so much has happened since we lived together but I once held you and said I
knew you have a good heart. Maybe you didn’t believe me Or want to believe me
or thought how could I possibly know that. I know more than a lot of people
give me credit for. I know you have a
good heart. I just hope someday you will know that too and believe it. I was
visiting with Doug Lott today and because he and Charles really can’t stand
Seth and Michael anymore, I said I look at it this way. If they could have been
10 year olds in my classroom I can’t think of any of you any differently than
being kids finding your way in the dark. I see all of you still as children
finding your way in this old world, one success and one failure at a time. If
you fall, my only job is to help pick you back up and not kick you when you are
down. We all come into the world the same way and we will all go out the same
way. The fact that this is probably our only time to be sentient mud we should
be bringing more true joy into our experiences rather than clinging onto
false promises that things will make us
happy. Things are an illusion. Our consciousness is all that is real and of
course the experiences that make us human: love, generosity, kindness,
compassion, caring, service. Intellect. Everything else is false. We all have
our own little time frame to make a difference in this world. When you are
released don’t waste the time you have left pursuing false idols but use the
goodness and love in your heart to make a difference to creatures of this earth
an animal, a child, someone in need. We aren’t placed here to save the world.
That task is too overwhelming and makes it too is easy justifying doing
nothing. But helping those that God places in front of you that is achievable.
That we can do. I wish I could just hold
you or pat your arm to connect with your physical presence. The most
pleasurable moments when we were together were just a simply things like
walking by you, with your feet stretch out of the lazy boy, gazing intently at
your laptop and I would tug at your toe and you’d look up and smile. I miss you but understand you are where you
need to be to learn lessons that you need to thrive as you grow older. Until we
meet again… Your friend and family for better or worse Ben
20 January 2015 Tuesday
I Went to bed early to get back on track for
work when about midnight I got a painful Charlie horse in my thigh... Ow! So
got up and tried to walk it out and took some aspirin and Aleve so this morning
I am feeling drugged out. A muscle spam in the thigh is super painful. It's
teacher prep so I don't have kids today but have a long ago scheduled Dr
appointment this morning and this afternoon meeting with my financial advisor
to walk me through all the retirement form. That must have been the reason I
dreamed it was the last day of school and I was going through all my cabinets
throwing everything away...So I Went to the doctors this morning at 8:20 and
the good news is I lost weight over the
holidays (not as much as Dr. Stoneburner wanted) but bad news my blood sugars
went back up sky high 10.8 ... Frustrating... I am a yoyo one time high next
time low than next time high etc.. More finger poking again... Ouch but I am at
238 lbs. the lowest weight I have been in 20 years. After the nurse poked my
finger for a bloods sugar count I told her to make sure it was 8 or less. She
let me down. I am feeling a little less anxious about retiring after meeting
with Tyler Ferguson my financial adviser. I may
get enough of an early retirement settlement to pay off my car and truck
and few more obligations that Kyle left me so they only payment I will have is
a house payment which I am sure is a lot lower than what people are paying now
for rent. When we called the Utah Retirement System to get an estimate on my
pension the gal there asked a lot of questions including "are you
married" I said no then said, "are you asking?" She laughed. I
am sure it made that over worked state employee's day. I know my financial
advisor cracked up I dreamed last night
that I had to go through all my cabinets and drawers in my classroom on my last
day and I had piles of broken crayons and other sundry school supplies that I
didn't know what to do with. Which is odd because I've cleaned out so much that
my last day all I have to do is turn my keys in and walk away.
I wrote my sister Charline today to tell her
that I got her checks for paying me back the $2200 I sent her last November.
But I told her “I will cash them like you said. But after March don't send
anymore. I will be okay. Put the money in a savings account for future
emergencies.” Charline is not as well off as I am or will be when I retire so
decided just to forgive the loan. Why not? Might as spend it while it does some
good and not when I am in the grave.
·
Me
to my sister I got your checks today. I will cash them like you said. But after
March don't send anymore. I will be okay. Put the money in a savings account
for future emergencies
·
Charline
Thank you. I'm glad you got the checks ok. I can do that and if you need the
money I can send it.
·
Benedgar
I will be okay ...use it for your
emergencies
·
Charline
·
Will
do
21 January 2015
Wednesday
I don't understand how my h1c count can be so
high when I tested my finger this morning and it was 137 which is about average
for me with my diabetes... Oh well can't complain I've got my youth... Wait a
minute... I can complain! Everyone is posting on FB about what a great State of
the Union Speech Obama gave last night. Kids were back today and in the
afternoon kind of rowdy so I had to lower the boom once or twice. Today is the
beginning of the 3rd Term. My President said this last night "I want our
actions to tell every child, in every neighborhood: your life matters, and we
are as committed to improving your life chances as we are for our own kids.
"I want future generations to know that we are a people who see our
differences as a great gift, that we are a people who value the dignity and
worth of every citizen – man and woman, young and old, black and white, Latino
and Asian, immigrant and Native American, gay and straight, Americans with
mental illness or physical disability. "I want them to grow up in a
country that shows the world what we still know to be true: that we are still
more than a collection of red states and blue states; that we are the United
States of America."
22 January 2015 Thursday
President Obama is a courageous man to have
open talks with North Korea, Iran, Cuba, and the Republican Congress all sworn
enemies of American people.
23 January 2015 Friday
Heard that a leader at the "Pride
Center" said "no one reads the Q" ... But that's funny coming
from a Pride Center that no one uses, locks its doors, restricts it's hours,
can't keep a director, and has no vision for this community that anyone can
rally around. They need to change their name to Pride Building because they
certainly aren't a center anymore. Do they even have a mission anymore? Just a
thought ...don't hate me...is the Community so freaking huge now that perhaps
we need to create communities that reflect our own special needs and agendas. I
agree that we should be united in seeking social justice for all but maybe it's
time for a Gay man’s community, a lesbian community, a bisexual community, and
a trans community instead of trying to be the Austro Hungarian Empire of sexual
minorities which is what the GLBTQQIA seems to becoming.... Perhaps we could
stop fighting over pieces of the pie if we all had our own pie... Just a
thought since it's impossible for a Pride Center to be all things to all
people. Are we strong enough now to establish our own identities? Just because
I support the NAACP doesn't mean I can't have my own identity while supporting
others... Hmmm just a thought
·
Roland
Allen Holmgren Does the pride center still have its library?
·
Edgar
Ben Williams They do but minuscule and no librarian ... Makes nice wall
decoration
·
Bill
Poore I agree, totally believe they should be separate. We spend way too much
time explaining our needs to each group in the community and then fight over
it. I honestly think each group would be better off with its own piece of the
pie. Ben you are stealing my ideas, I have said for a long time that the Gay
Men should be separate. I think they have been thrown under the bus for several
years to other issues. Marginalized I believe is the word of the day.
·
Greg
Tracie Aviary Hardin Yes Edgar Ben Williams, I agree. I'll have the same pie
you're ordering. Hugs!
·
Roland
Allen Holmgren OK, here is my two cents. Remember when we had a dozen bars,
baths, cruising places? We needed them to just meet people and be part of a
community. Those days are over And so is the need for a gay community center as
it is now It is a dinosaur. Want to make the center meaningful again, turn it
into a resource center. The gay and lesbian population that need the most help
is the young and the elderly. Our generation needs resources and help in
medical, housing, etc. The young need a safe environment to travel the Rocky
road of being a gay person. Newly married gays need relationship resources. In
other words a resource center. At one time it had the largest gay library west
of the Mississippi. Why not build back that library, be a place to archive the
history of the gay and Aids movement, display art, an honor roll of people who
contributed to the gay movement. A small food bank. A resource center. And
instead of trying to be something to everyone, focus on gay and lesbians as the
centers were previously.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams Ron exactly... although I miss the bars, the baths, and the
cruising places lol or maybe I just miss the people...
24 January 2015 Saturday
My new washer and dryer was delivered today at
this morning so that was pretty good. Richard Butler, an old friend from when
Michael worked at Big A came over this morning to catch up. He helped so much
with putting the yard in back in 1996 when we moved into the house. We went on
camping trips together and I stayed friends with him even after Michael
stopped. He got married about 8 years ago I suppose. He was over 50 I know
before he married for the first time. He said his stepson Austin was Gay. He stayed
nearly 5 hours. I think he just needed to talk to someone who knew him from the
old days. I joined this Rancho Alamitos Alumni Group yesterday and was amazed
how many people still remembered me. Rancho was my high school so most of the
people on the site grew up in the same area as I did. This one girl I went to
elementary and high school together said I was always a gentleman. LOL That’s
because I didn't chase the girls. Even heard news about Mark Casas who was Phil
Casas’ younger brother had passed away.
Phil Casas committed suicide over 30 years ago now. He was the first boy to
ever fuck me. I was 13 years old and he was 15 years old. This one guy wanted to know how to connect
with my sister Charline Wachs. She was a hottie when she graduated in 1965
however I think he probably just wants to let her know that her 50th reunion is
coming up. I don't think I'd like to be reminded LOL . I left home in 1973 for
Utah and made a complete break with the friends of my childhood so it’s fun to
have people say they remembered me after all these years. They said they sat
next to me in elementary or they square danced with me. They mention all the
streets that they grew up on streets I played on as a child.
25 January 2015 Sunday
I don't think I ever recalled 50 degrees in
January the whole time I've lived in Utah. Suppose to be warm all next week
too. Makes you want to work in the yard but Old Man Winter is only 1/3 way
through. Late nights all next week for SEP conferences next week. My very last
of my career. Had to wash Daisy's butt poor girl now she's a clean teen...
Things we do for our critters. They all need a haircut. So glad I know how to
make Chili Verde from my days at LaPaloma back in the 1970's. La Frontera's is
good but the rest of the places I've had it in SLC sucks...especially Red
Iguana. I made a batch today. Just have a good pork roast, Anaheim chilis,
tomatoes, onions, garlic, cumin, white pepper, salt, flour and water. Plain and
simple and delicious. When all finish make burritos filled with the pork
chunks, smothered with the chili gravy, topped with cheese and onions but under
a broiler to toast the cheese.... Yummy
26 January 2015 Monday
I went and tried to get into my old account Benedgar
and I was able but only after jumping through some hoops. FB made me take down
4 pictures I posted to go back into my old account... They said they were
reported as violating community standards because someone complained... They
said their standards which is a "global" audience that might be
offended... They made me say I would not post nude pictures yeah right ... Like
that's all I do... Bottom line is if someone reports you for any reason nothing
you can do... Check your friends list and change your privacy setting or don't
be as opinionated as I am
27 January 2015 Tuesday
I for one am grateful for this extremely mild
January. Suppose to get some rain instead of snow. temperature in the 50's ...
No crazy blizzard commutes, no shoveling snow, just smooth sailing .... And the
best part is the mountains are snow packed. They are forecasting a mild
February too. Feels like March but not quite springtime in the Rockies. The LDS
Church called for a press conference to announce that they would support a
statewide anti-discrimination bill as long as there are Religious Freedom Bills
for people with deeply held religious beliefs. Oaks this morning said,
"When religious people are publicly intimidated, retaliated against,
forced from employment or made to suffer personal loss because they have raised
their voice in the public square, donated to a cause or participated in an
election, our democracy is the loser,” Oaks said. “Such tactics are every bit
as wrong as denying access to employment, housing or public services because of
race or gender.” They never said a word
when it was Gay people who were publicly intimidated, retaliated against,
forced from employment or made to suffer personal loss but NOW when the shoe is
on the other foot they speak out! Hypocrites... Jim Dabakis called me and I was
between Conferences so I could talk. I guess he was one of the players in all
of this. He is wanting this to help pass a statewide anti-discrimination bill
and later let the courts work out the details of any Religious Freedom bills. Not
sure if this strategy is going to work. I would personally bitch slap and kick
in the ass any Gay person who would try to force a religious ceremony upon a
church that opposes equality marriage ... That said I will fight to remove any
person in a civic or public position that tries to use religion to avoid doing
the job my tax money pays them to follow... I remember Mrs. George telling me
she wasn't going to teach geography because she didn't believe the earth was
billions of years old... When do our beliefs keep us from doing our jobs...
What's to prevent people from not doing their jobs or not working Friday,
Saturday, or Sunday? Remember the cop who wouldn't work Pride parade because he
was Mormon? Does this mean a Mormon fireman will let my house burn down? I
can't get a loan because of someone's religious freedom? These religious
freedom bills are just homophobia wrapped up in sanctimonious bull shit ... No
one would even be talking Religious Freedom Bills if Gay Civil Rights were not
winning... Separate but Equal was bull shit and so are these Freedom Bills...
No one can force a church to provide a wedding but no church can prevent a
marriage... One is a feel good ceremony the other a legal contract between
people... Again a desperate measure to hold back the tide of progress...Well it
only took the Mormon Church 45 years to go from calling us perverts to saying
maybe it’s okay to let Gay people not be discriminated against unless you are
religious folks then discriminate away... Why does it take Mormons so long to
catch up with society and do the right thing? If they were god's church
wouldn't they be leading the charge for social justice and equality rather than
be dragged kicking and screaming? Mormons will say God made me do it like
people use to say the devil made me do it to shuck off responsibility for bad
behavior... Discrimination is okay if you are religious... So if I believe
black people are the descendants of Cain and Jews killed Christ and the pope is
the anti-Christ and all non-Christians are heathens can I discriminate against
them too? freedom of religion was placed in the constitution to insure
separation of church and state...religion should not get a free pass in a
nation based on the Constitution and Biblical or Sharia law Long day and two
more to go before I will never have to lie again to parents how wonderful their
kids are ever again. 28 years of telling parents what they want to hear... All
parents showed except one who’s kid was
absent today. I made arrangements for a substitute this Friday.
·
Russell
Pack Thanks for expressing this so very well. Protection in employment or
housing isn't worth a penny as long as someone can claim that their
discrimination is based on "deeply held religious beliefs." Good
grief! The whole so-called press conference was a ruse to help those eager
beaver legislators pass their religious idiocy.
28 January 2015 Wednesday
Today was another long day of conferences with
parents. I am shocked that so many have attended. The Pride Center and equality
Utah are crapping themselves trying to congratulate the Mormon Church for doing
what is only decent. Valerie Larabee made the same mistake praising the LDS
website GayLDS.org when it said its okay to be Gay as long as you are not...
The new self-selected leaders of the UPC made the same statement as Troy
Williams in a recent statement of praise... Why do we have to praise a
religious organization for doing the morally and ethically right thing? It
would have been nice if someone in so called leadership would have said it is
appropriate for religious organizations to support anti-discrimination laws
against all people but it's not appropriate for religious institutions to
support laws to protect public employees from doing their jobs because of
deeply held beliefs... Why not say while we appreciate the soul searching the
LDS church has done as to be on the right side of history we would like for
them to be for marriage equality as well. It would be welcomed if the LDS
church repudiated all negative and harmful statements made against Gay people
over the past 50 years and issue a statement of regret...Mormons need to cut
the Bull Shit...Freedom of Religion Bills are actually Freedom from Gays Bills
but the Mormon legislators are so disingenuous that they can't say shit even if
their mouths are full of it ... So typically passive aggressive Utah behavior...
they Smile and call you brother while screwing you over... And emptying your
pockets while they are at it...
29 January 2015
Thursday
All my parents came except for one last Tuesday
because their daughter was sick. I stayed until 7 pm and I think I might have
been the very last but I also had to make lesson plans for my sub
tomorrow. But I was done with my very
last parent teachers conference ever.. What a great feeling ....they all went
well so it was good to end on a high note with parents thanking me for what
I've done instead of being critical...About 8:30 p.m. my doorbell rang which I
hate because why would people be coming over at that time on a school night but
I answered the door anyway and there was some guy with a badge asking is Kyle
Foote lived here. He asked for Warren so I knew he didn’t know him. I told him
no and asked what this was about and I guess it was some type of judgment that
had been turned over to collections. Anyway he asked if I was his father or
related to him I said no and he asked if I knew where he was and I said he’s in
prison. I was surprised that he didn’t know that. I said he’s been there 3
years. I guess he didn’t believe me and asked if he could ask my neighbors if
he lived here and I said go ahead but my neighbors speak Spanish and across the
street are Tongans. I then said look him up on inmate search. I wondered why I
had to do his job and of course there Kyle was and he was satisfied and
apologized coming to the house late in the evening. Jackass. Speaking of jackasses, Dallin Oaks is
pushing Religious Freedom as a means to still discriminate against Gay people.
Let me see if I've got the Mormon position straight... If I am an atheist and
discriminate against Gay people that is not okay...but if I have a deeply held
religious belief (Mormon) I can legally discriminate? Hmmmm what is wrong with
this picture? The Lafferty Brothers had deeply held religious beliefs look
where it got them... A Muslim family had a deeply held religious belief and
tried to kidnap their lesbian daughter in SLC it force her to return to the
Middle East for an honor killing. they are in prison now... A deeply held
religious belief that harms people in any way should not be protected by law...
Where would it stop? Christian Scientists aren't allowed to let their children
die for their deeply held beliefs, Jehovah Witnesses cannot refuse their
children blood transfusions to save their lives for deeply held religious
beliefs. The Southern Baptists broke with the American Baptists of their deeply
held religious beliefs in slavery... Deeply held beliefs are just that
"beliefs" not facts and they should not be allowed to ever cause harm
in any shape or form... The Constitution trumps your beliefs... Weber State
University opened its first LGBT Resource Center. Good for Weber State... I am
an alumnus of sorts...I got my elementary teaching degree from them in 1981.
30 January 2015 Friday
Like the say the best laid plans. I was up
early this morning because I planned to go down to Gunnison. I put $100 on his
account and then went to go have the oil changed in the truck and register the
truck since its due in January. However the place I usually take it too
couldn’t do because their emission guy didn’t come in until 10:30 and I needed
to be on the road by then if I hoped to see Kyle and get back before dark. So I
left and went to America First to deposit a $100 check that Charline sent me.
When I got back in the truck all of a sudden it sputtered and was acting like
it didn’t want to start but it did and when driving it, the engine light came
on and it was chugging. I took it to V & L emissions on Redwood and Indiana
where I have gone before. They had to run a diagnostic to see what the computer
code was so Michael came and got me and took me home. So much for going to
Gunnison and it was probably a good thing I didn’t. So about 6:30 they called
and said the code was the ERG valve was bad. Truck passed the Safety inspection
but not the emissions. Get it done while still working. At least I have another
vehicle so I am not stranded.
31 January 2015 Saturday
So here it is already the end of January and we
haven’t had any snow since Christmas. I was up early working on John Williams
and Ann Moore Williams of Cashy, Bertie, North Carolina. After all this years I
am getting a better perspective of my colonial American antecedents. I had no
idea that they lived right smack dab in the middle of Indian lands, the Tuscarora
Reservation to be exact. I wanted to
clean house today but that didn’t happen. Stephen Bolinder canceled the dog
grooming today because he was out sick with a bad sore throat so I will have to
reschedule. They really need it. So was kind of bummed about that. About 10:30
this morning Michael came over to take me down to V & L and see what is
happening with the truck. Sylvia recommended that I have some other work done
since the truck has 120,000 miles on it and nothing has been down it for a long
time. If I had done all the work they recommended it would have been nearly
$2,200 but since most of that could be done later if ever I just had the time
belts and some hoses replaced. As it is the bill will be nearly $1,000
gulp. Cheaper than a car payment and the
truck is in good condition. Anyway I
figured I will find a way to pay for it while I am still working. I then called
Chuck Whyte up to see if he wanted to go to lunch and he did so we went off to
Chuck A Rama. I guess they got him on some more medicine because his
equilibrium is off. Something in his inner ear. I doubt that Chuck will live as
long as I have so far the way things are going. Tried to get some information
out of him on the Center but I guess really nothing much is going on down
there. He was there to volunteer for the volunteer outreach breakfast for
homeless Gay Youth. Four showed up. After eating I went to the LDS Family
History library for the first time in several years. I wanted to look at their
books on colonial North Carolina because you can only do so much online. Rocky Connell O’Donovan showed up and came
over saying hello Sister Williams loud as he can be. So weird. I was friendly
but not warm. Besides I was there to get some work done before 4 O’clock
because I wanted to get home before 5 pm and I had to stop and get the dogs
some dry kibbles to supplement their wet food.
I was cooking their giblets up when Kyle Foote called. It was just a 1
minute free call so I could set up an account with IC access a phone company
for prisons. I had to put $50 on the account to get it set up then Kyle called
again at 5:30 and we spoke for as long as they will let which is about 10
minutes. He sounded good and was going to have a super bowl party with his
celly Jesse Martinez who he’s becoming obsessed with. Well I know that feeling
don’t I? I went and hot tubbed for the first time in a while and spent the rest of the evening on genealogical
research. I went to bed at midnight
after having gotten up at 4:30 this morning. I got an email from my niece
Denise that she finally paid off her Sallie Mae student loan. About time.
FEBRUARY
1 February 2015 Sunday
I decided not to let the computer suck away my
time and clean the house before heading back to work tomorrow. Is there a finer
feeling then a freshly scrubbed home? This Spring like weather sure wants you
to be moving. I finished one layer of Spring Cleaning grit but more to do next
weekend like polishing doing down stairs. I got down on my knees to mop up all
the mud the hounds had tracked in from past week and clean up Buddy's pee
spots. I told him if I see any more pee accidents I am shipping off to the
pound. He just laughed at me. Got the kitchen, dining room and front room all
scrubbed and cleaned and been doing laundry. Just need to out clean sheets on
the bed and do the bathroom. I picked up
my medicine today and the store was crazy I suppose from it being Super
Bowl Sunday. I put 10 gallons in my car
and only spent $15.00. It’s at $1.69 at Smiths but with 20 cents off I only
paid $1.50 a gallon. Crazy unreal but I like it. I fixed some burritos for
supper the way mom use to make them in California, ground hamburger, chopped
onions, a can of diced chilis and a can of refried beans. Rolled in a flour
tortilla with shredded cheese and green taco sauce.
2 February 2015 Monday
My blood sugar according to my meter was 85
this morning... That's after eating 3 burritos for supper last night... I think
I will skip my insulin this morning and just do metformin and check it later
... This is from someone who use to run consistently at about 180... Only twice
since I started testing again two weeks ago has my levels been over 110 and the
highest was 160... And was from eating out. I should of quit while I was ahead.
Cleaning out my desk at school I found my worry stone again. You grasp it in
your hand and use your thumb to rub back and forth when you are anxious.....
I've had it since My first year of teaching 1988 to 1989 when I taught 6th
grade at Sunset Elementary... This boy always had it in his desk and he would
almost always be rubbing the stone to relieve stress for himself. At the end of
the year he came up to me and handed it to me... He said after having me as a
teacher he didn't need it anymore. I was so touched and honored that I kept it
to remind me what teaching is really all about which has nothing to do with
tests. It's my very own peep stone to help me understand the hearts of the
children I taught. It rained some this morning but cleared up and it became a
pretty day but the kids were really rowdy today and Had to get after them big
time so I was worn out by the end of the day. I deposited $800 from my savings
at America First Credit Union to my checking so I could pay for the truck
repairs. I was told it was ready but when I got there they still hadn’t signed
off on the emissions, which is what I wanted them to do in the first place. The
woman I had dealt with wasn’t there and there was some pregnant ditz who I
guess was out of it, because I couldn’t get a straight answer from her… Mike
had taken me down to pick up the truck but who knows how long it would be to
get it done this evening so I said I would come back tomorrow. I paid $1080 to
get the truck worked on so it better be ready by tomorrow.
3 February 2015 Tuesday
Yikes my blood spiked at 197! I ate a lot of
peanut butter and ritz crackers before going to bed last night. I think stress
eating over my truck but they called at 3:30 and said this time it’s ready so
after work Michael took me down again to Indiana and Redwood to pick it up. I
was so tired and stressed out that I just left it in the driveway when I got
home without putting the tags on it.
4 February 2015 Wednesday
My blood sugar dropped to 83 from that high
yesterday morning. I knew my blood sugar levels
dropped because I woke up at 430 and couldn't get back to sleep so I
hate lying in bed and able to sleep and got up and poked my finger. 83
...lowest I think I ever tested...so fixed some oatmeal, English muffins and
coffee. I get a half of a half and the hounds share the other 3/4s. They got
their morning hot dog early and Lucky is not a morning person so I have to
deliver his breakfast in bed... Daisy and Buddy have already been out the door.
Today 29 years ago I came out of the closet and decided to live my life as an
authentic Gay man the best I could. Ever noticed that people's deeply held
religious beliefs are usually connected to their deeply held prejudices? What a
coincidence!!!! There’s a measle outbreak due to the parents who won’t
vaccinate their kids believing it causes autism. No one from my generation
would ever NOT vaccinate their children and all these ignorant parents of today
who are not vaccinating their children had parents who cared enough about them
to have vaccinated them... Anti vaccinators should be quarantine... This anti
science cult that has taken over needs to come to a stop..
5 February 2015 Thursday
Blood at 133 and I was up at 5:00 this morning.
Had things going through my head so just decided to get up and get ready for
school. This early spring weather is causing havoc with the kids. They are
acting like school is over. When I get home all I do is work on family history
for my blog. It can never be perfect with lots of assumptions but I don’t want
glaring errors either. In the 60s today and 65 tomorrow...my globe willows are
wanting to pop... I saw pansies planted downtown and stores are selling primroses...
I'd like to remind Mother Nature that's it's February 5th not April 5th. I saw
a farmers field up by the airport as green as can be... Astounded am I
6 February 2015 Friday
Again up at 5:30. What is up with that? My
blood sugars were 130 so had a bowl of hot oatmeal, coffee and English muffins
shared with the pups. It was so nice out today Mrs. Petersen and I took the
kids out to play kick ball at the end of the day. The wind came up and a little
breezy but still shirtsleeve weather. After getting lesson plans finished for
next week left about 2:30 and did some grocery shopping. Then after taking Coco
home, I met Bill Poore at the Smith’s parking lot like we do and I took him to
Charlie Chow’s on 4th South across the library for his birthday. I also gave
him a white cake with chocolate frosting as a birthday cake. He ordered Kung
Pow Chicken and I had Tangerine Beef. Both were good. So we got there about 6
and stayed until nearly 7:30 visiting. He wants to go down to Gunnison the next
time I head out that way. I dropped by Levon’s to see if he was home but left a
text and no lights were on so just went back to the house and worked way to
late on the dead Williamses.
7 February 2015 Saturday
I woke up too early about 4:30 and decided to
get up. Blood sugars. I fixed breakfast of hash browns, ham, eggs, a frozen
waffles. My blood sugar thus morning was 130. I fooled around with the dead
relatives and then headed out to the LDS Family to mostly look at Colonial
George land grants in Halifax District, Saint George Parish. I worked for nearly
four hours before heading home to be ready for Stephen [Chevy] Bollinder coming
at 3 pm to groom the dogs. Michael brought Coco over and all four of them were
being wild. It was such a pretty day that everyone was walking their dogs and
of course that made my pack go crazy. Stephen was done about 6:30 and besides
paying him $160 for the four dogs I also gave him a $25 gift card to Texas
Roadhouse given to me at Christmas by a parent. I am never going to use it and
I so appreciate having a groomer come to the house instead of the pups being
locked up in cages all day. Their next appointment is May 9th Saturday at 1 pm.
Didn’t get as much house cleaning done as I’d had liked but oh well. One of the
sets of sliding closet doors came off their track and I still haven’t got it
back to the way it should be but close enough. I went to bed by 10:30 really
pooped from staying up too late and my leg is bothering me again. Oh the trauma
and drama at the Williams cottage haircut day for the pups...lots of snarling
tears growling and that was just from me...they do not like to get groomed I
tell you what but 4 hours later they sure look pretty and ready for their
Valentine parties next week...what a strange warm day...windier than heck this
morning then almost 70 degrees and I swear I smell BBQ outside. There's a new
trend in LGBTQ academic circles that a concept of a Gay Community is a myth.
It's being pushed among younger Gays who grew up after the AIDS epidemic...
They look back through filters of "gender queer theory" that gender
is more important than orientation, to redefine who and what we were as a
community. Were we perfect? Absolutely not...there were no models for us on how
to be Gay safe and sane...we were the pioneers building a national movement
where there hadn't been any before. This article talks about how AIDS decimated
whole Gay conclaves ... Wiped out the people we were to grow old with...
Perhaps my generation was too shell shocked to recover...but what I think is
worse is the rewriting of our experiences to fit "queer theory" to
wipe away the concept that there ever was a Gay Community because we didn't fit
the gender, racial, and economic parity demanded today by the LGBTQ political
correctness police. If there is no Gay Community today it's because another
generation lost it primarily by refusing to serve each other but only want to
be serviced.
8 February 2015 Sunday
I woke up about 3:00 with this rash in my right
leg near the shin bone and again. It doesn’t seem to be going away. I went back
to sleep and slept in until 8 a.m. I guess I really needed it. I fixed some
blueberry whole wheat pancakes with ham for breakfast and tried to get caught up with my journal
It’s another beautiful bright usually warm February day. I wrote Kyle a long overdue letter.
9 February 2015 Monday
I received some sad news today. My ex-partner's
father Bill Romero died in Rawlins Sunday age 79. He and Faye always treated me
like a son-in-law and they were always so good to me. If it wasn't for them I
wouldn't be in this house because they loaned Michael and I money for the down
payment. Now Michael is an orphan like I am. Such sweet kind folks, even after
Mike and I split I sent cards and flowers for the holidays. For a time they
were the only ones left to send a mother’s day card or a father’s day card. I
have no one anymore. It’s a sad realization when all your folks are gone. Mikes
going up there for a week to settle up the estate. We only get to dance for a
short time on this blue planet. Make the most of it by building memories
instead of accumulating things. Michael Romero texted me that his father had
died yesterday. I was sad all day at work and then Mike said his truck had some
issues and needed me to swing by 39th South and Main Street which I did. After
taking care of Mike and his truck I came home and made an apple pie for Doug
Lott because it was his birthday on Sunday...I Cranked up the Tapestry Album
and Blue Album and remembered a dear man who passed away Sunday... He left
behind two shi-tzu that we need to keep together...Mikes brother hopefully will
take all but if not I might be getting additions to my family...
·
Terrie
Williams YOU have a big heart and i loved that about you.
10 February 2015 Tuesday
It was my last 5th grade Symphony today. We
were the last ones seated at the 5th grade day at the Utah Symphony so we were
put in the front row and all the kids could see was the musicians shoes and
socks but I sat almost front center of Vladimir Kulenovic the conductor and it
was well worth it with his form fitting perfectly tailored suit .Even got to
see him sweat... What a handsome dude and pictures do not do him justice.
11 February 2015 Wednesday
I talked to Mike today to see how he was
holding up and I guess it’s just crazy there. He said no one can get in to
Mikes dads computer and that has all his financial data is on it about taxes
and his property...he passed so suddenly that no one thought to get those from
him. John and Mike are overwhelmed going through a house that hadn't really
been cleaned since their mother died almost 3 years ago. They are feeding
2 dogs and a cat and a herd of deer that
Faye and Bill had fed... Lots to do because the Romeros were collectors, rocks,
museum quality Indian spear heads and arrows, hummels, precious moments, just a
life time of goods... When I go I just want to leave my writings and memories.
·
Robert
Smith When you go ben you will leave all those you touched (Tee, Hee) and those
you taught to be a better person. The world is a better gayer place because of
you.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams We didn't change the world but by damn we changed our corner of it
didn't we Bobbie?
·
Robert
Smith I feel that we changed the world. You changed me into a better gay person
and I have in turn changed others who have changed others and so on and on. The
changes you made, the things you taught and shared are affecting gay
communities all over the world.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams You are going to make an old man cry Bobbie
·
Robert
Smith I get misty eyed when I think of all you taught me. I have listed you as
the biggest influence / greatest teacher in my life. Thank you from the bottom
of my heart.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams Who would we have had if we hadn't had each other back then?
Building community is what we had to do and now this newer generation is trying
to say the idea of a gay community is a myth ... the little entitled shits who
have the life they have built on the backs of us who know damn well what
constitutes a community and what it takes to build one
12 February 2015 Thursday
Today is Fran, my ex-wife’s birthday. She
turned 70 years old. Kind of weird to think if I'd stayed married I would be
married to a 70 year old lol ...I guess I am not far behind when I turn 64 in
April. I was 25 and she was 31 when we married. I have not seen her since
probably 1993 when she came to visit me for the last time when I lived at the
Greek Apartments behind the Greek Orthodox Church. I’ve heard she got married
again but not sure. Where ever she is I wish her a happy birthday. We never can
tell where our life journeys take us. Michael and I talked today. He said they
found the will and he was cut off. I kind of knew that because his mother once
wrote him pleading for him to reconcile and if he didn’t want to be part of the
family they would take him out of the will.
13 February 2015 Friday
Another day of SAGE Writing Assessment. Kids
are dying. But we had our Valentines Day Party. Another mile stone. Left as
soon as I could to start a 3 day weekend. Beautiful weather but strange. I posted an obituary for Bryce Beesley who
died February 4th in St. George. He was an active member of the community back
in the 1980’s and friend with Beau Chaine and Donald Steward but not a word in
his LDS obit about his Gay life.
14 February 2015 Saturday
Time for bed but a great spring like day. I
took Levon my Armenian grandson to General Gao for lunch to catch up on life
and he told the waiter he was having lunch with was his grandfather lol. I
guess he sold one of Dave’s computers so he will have rent money for March.
Bill Poore stopped by to visit with me and brought me flowers and a yellow
feather boa. A person can't have too many boas. I notice he went out to the
cemetery today so I hope someone isn't missing any flowers. It was a productive day genealogy wise... I
think I finally cracked my Atlantic Ocean wall to a place in Wales with help of
DNA... I am a perfect match for a medieval Welsh warrior named Ednyfed Fychan
from the 1200s and I was able to connect him to being an ancestor of a
Griffiths-Williams Clan of Cockwillan Wales which is probably my tribe before
they emigrated to Virginia in 1666... Amazing times we are living in with the
Internet
15 February 2015 Sunday
Bill Poore came by around 10 a.m. and soon we
were on the road to Gunnison. He has folks in the cemetery there so he went
with me for an excursion out of the city. You could see that farmers are
planting down past Levan. The country side is tinged green...Its Feb 15th for
goodness sakes. I topped off the tank in Gunnison and Gas was $1.95 but who's
complaining. We were there a little early so killed some time driving around. I
went into the Prison at 12:30 and was able to see Kyle at 12:45. One of the
quickest times. In fact he was waiting to be check in when I sat down. He
seemed in good spirits. Talked a lot about his “celly” Jess and I think he is
happier having someone who is coming out of the closet he can mentor. Pretty
sure they are having sex because Kyle likes his Latinos even if they are cop
shooters. Beggers can’t be too choosy. He said he got the letter I wrote last
Sunday on Thursday. Said he’s got the TV guides and looking forward to Oscar
Night. We just chit-chatted. Nothing major. He’s been I prison for 3 years now
and I can tell that he’s becoming institutionalize. He’s also turning into a
man at 35 and has lost a lot of that boyish look he once had. I had told Bill
to pick me up at 2:30 because that is when I thought we would be through but
the guard let me stay until 2:50. I was surprised. But Bill, who came early,
had to sit for about a half hour waiting for me. That is why I’d rather do this
alone. We were back on the road by 3:00
and Bill said that at the cemetery that the car stalled and he almost couldn’t
get it started! I had no problem with it and I suspect he used the non-computer
chip key because we had no trouble getting home but it did make me slightly
nervous. So that was my Valentines Day
Trip to see Kyle although I will never be his Valentine.
16 February 2015 Monday
Today is President’s Day so no school. Yay.
Leslie Gore, pop star from the 1960’s died. I didn’t know she was a Lesbian and
I had a relationship for the past 33 years. Her music is iconic for the 1960’s
but my favorite is California Nights. Brings me right back to my youth growing
up on Dale Street. Thinking about creating a faerie heart circle. Only invite
people I can trust. The next Lunar Eclipse will be a Total Eclipse and occur on
April 4th, 2015. It will be visible in Asia, Australia, Pacific and the Americas
. Michael Aaron wanted to know if I had
anything for the Q this March issue and I said I have zilch. But he did say he
would get the mailing corrected for Kyle. He still was sending it to Manila
instead of Gunnison. On FB Nice to see my old friend Bobbie Smith getting
recognized for community service in Minnesota. In SLC he created the Library,
the remains of which is housed at the Pride Center, was an officer in the Gay
and Lesbian Community Council of Utah, director of Unconditional Support, founding
member of the Sacred Faeries and the Pillar Newspaper...it's how we use to roll
... Building, serving, creating... But now we are supposed to feel guilty
because we are old Gay white guys by LGBTs who haven't done a lick of service
in their lives but complain? Fuck that shit. He even had the community service
award named after him!
·
Ruadhan
O'Sheridan Bobby was also a person who taught me a great deal about the sexual
underbelly of the gay community, kinkiness and was my mentor until I became a
Pillar in the Sacred Faeries. Our relationship was completely platonic, but I
really enjoyed his friendship and guidance before the Great Faerie Diaspora
that occurred here in the early nineties.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams I made him dress in drag once and he made me dress up in
leather... We both were out of our elements lol
·
Ruadhan
O'Sheridan Oh Ben, I bet you looked totally scrumptious in leather. BTW, it was
you who gave me my medicine card reading which was my induction into the Sacred
Faeries. I still have the notes of that reading and I still use Elk as a primary
totem thanks to you, sir.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams I did almost all the readings back then and initiated everyone
into the Faeries... Magickal times good times...
·
To
Michael Aaron- Sorry Michael Its been crazy around here and I have nothing this
month... Must be something in the 10 years I’ve written that can be rerun ...
Say I went down to Gunnison yesterday and Kyle says he still isn’t receiving
the Q. Besides wanting to read articles
I write he said there are 5 guys in his section that are all openly Gay and
he'd like to share the Q with them. He also has a cellmate that is just coming
out and he wanted to let him know that there’s
more to being Gay than just sucking dick [no matter how important that
is]... Thanks. His address is Warren Foote ION 187422 CUCF PO Box 550 Gunnison,
Utah 84634-0550
·
Michael
Aaron-Argh, I don't know how this happened because I am SURE I updated his
address when you asked me last. Somehow it reverted to the Manila address. I'm
so sorry. I just updated it again.
·
Me-Thanks
... I need to crank out a few columns in advance so if I get writers block I
will have something for you... I think Seth Anderson affected me more than I
thought when he posted an article saying that the concept of there ever being a
Gay community is a myth... We got into a disagreement about it but it just
frustrated me that this is now what is being taught in academia? That gender
identity is the only reality? I said that if we never had community then I
guess we never had history... The whole thing of his argument boiled down to
the fact that white Gay men started stuff, and therefore it was not inclusive
of people of color, trans, and women... And I thought when did Old Gay men
become the villains in the LGBT? I said if there is no community anymore it is
because younger people only bitch and self-promote and do nothing to volunteer
and serve each other. I didn't write I think this month because I was
frustrated and angry over where the LGBT is taking us and disenfranchising
sexual orientation in lieu of gender orientation.... I know my gender ... I
love my gender and am not apologizing for it or feeling guilty because others
were late to the party. You and I both know how little there was at one time
and we had to fight for every inch and each organization was like a foothold
for others to hold onto and to follow... We cleared the forest and now this
generation complains how we did it....
17 February 2015 Tuesday
Coco was back today. Sweet girl. Which means
Mike is back from Rawlins. Back to school after a nice break but back to
testing. One good piece of news is that a boy that is almost sociopathic is
gone for the week. Thank god for small favors.
I talked to Mike when I dropped Coco home. He said everything is a mess
up there and is just going to end up in probate. Christine and John are
contesting over who should be the executor of the estate. There are two wills.
One had Michelle as the executrix and another had John. Michelle died last fall
and Christine is contesting that since she is the only heir of Michelle she
should be the executive. Mike said the houses can’t be sold because nothing is
up to code, Faye was being sued by some woman she had a car accident with and
everything is tied up now that Christine and John are suing each other. John
took the two Shi Tzues and Christine took the cat so all the animals are
accounted for. John told Michael that the lawyer said that when his dad crossed
his name out of the will he just initialed it and did not have it witnessed so
Mike is probably back in the running for getting some type of inheritance. The
only inheritance I ever got was when Mom gave me $10,000 to pay Michael off to
take his name off of the deed to the house. Far cry from the $300,000 mom had
when dad died.
18 February 2015 Wednesday
Exhausted today from school and working on
genealogy research too much. The weather is in the 60’s. Back east they have
six feet of snow. I hot tubbed some this evening just to soak the tired bones.
Charles Frost called this evening and we visited. He said that Kent Frogley the
Board Chair of Pride these days revealed to him that when Valerie left in 2013
the center was $225,000 in the hole! They are still around a hundred grand in
the red but Kent thinks Pride Day will put them back in the black. I doubt it.
He is pretty well disgusted with Michael Ferguson and Seth too. I guess they
behaved abominably when Babs De Lay and her partner invited them to dinner a
while back. Seth has become so
argumentative and dismissive of older Gay peoples personal experience like
because he’s getting a Masters in Gay history he’s become an authoritative.
Well I got news for him. He may read about it but we lived it.
19 February 2015 Thursday
I Went to bed at 730 last night...school is
whipping my ass... Kids are rebelling over the amount of state ordered testing
4 hours of writing opinions ... The perfect weather making them think school is
over... And about four boys who have just given up and disrupting much of the
time... I tried doing art to compensate for all the testing we've done...kids
don't even know how to hold a paint brush! Or the difference between a color
wheel and a spectrum or how to make secondary colors... No one in the lower grade
teaches simple basic skills... The humanities are dead in elementary
schools...the conservatives have won.
·
James
Dabakis Utah Legislature, that just passed ANOTHER new, goofy, 100 question
mandatory test as a requirement for high school graduation...will you listen to
a REAL teacher? Who has spent 30 YEARS--not 30 minutes, in the classroom?
20 February 2015 Friday
I left school as soon as the kids and went to
Hoopes vision for my yearly eye examination...I had cataract surgery there in
2012... I was nearly blind and now I still have 20/15 vision. Even they were impressed.
But I have a little microscopic hemorrhaging in my right eye the dr said from
my diabetes ... So got to. Watch that. Traffic was absolutely nutty today
...about 5 crashes on I15 so just took State Street home from 114th south
...even with my eyes dilated I am a better driver then most these idiots...
That's because I learned to drive in California. Working on my ancient Brits.
21 February 2015 Saturday
I slept in until 7:30 a.m. today. I haven’t
been getting enough uninterrupted sleep lately. That’s why I feel so tired. I
worked the Roman Briton Tribes until about noon then I went to the LDS Library
and worked until they closed at 5pm. I didn’t know they closed so early on
Saturday or I would have gone in sooner. Just worked on John Williams the
emigrants line mostly. DNA is a great thing. It separated all the Lewis Wiliams
clan from mine. They are a R-U152 lineage and I am a R-M222. Stayed up until
midnight typing and researching. I won’t be bored when I retire.
22 February 2015 Sunday
I got enough shoes from Bill Poore today that I
will never have to buy another pair. They were my size and his brother had
given so many that he will never wear. Some were nice penny loafers… all
nice,.. We wanted to go for Chinese for lunch so we went to South Seas but the
place wouldn’t open until 3pm. On Sunday crazy? That was weird... We went
Mexican...is there a Mexican New Years? At Ranchitos it was good but not that
great. Didn’t have any of the usual condiment like Pico de gallo out. Anyway it was a much cooler day today than it
has been. I wrote up more of my research
on the Williamses of Isle of Wight. And while others were watching the Oscars I
went and took a dip in the hot tub...Ahhhhhh does anyone call them Jacuzzis
anymore? My rose bushes are starting to sprout leaves...Ugg I bet they will
freeze tonight. So I didn’t bother
watching any of the Oscars since I hadn’t seen any of the movies and could care
less who won anything. Neil Patrick Harris came out in his tighty whiteys so I
did miss that. I couldn’t tell you who won anything. I have not been excited
about the Oscars since they broke my heart over Brokeback Mountain.
23 February 2015 Monday
Setting off Volcanoes today... Earth Science is
the core but I had kids build their paper mâché volcanoes which will never be
tested on in standardized testing but the kids learned to have fun and be
creative which is not allowed these days... When I retire there won't be any more
volcanoes at my school... It takes time away from math and reading
24 February 2015 Tuesday
Bigots going crazy because two men kissed on
The Walking Dead some were parents who said they watched it with their kids and
were disappointed by AMC showing men kissing LOL. Utah is officially the
stupidest state in the Union ... Our Congressman Stewart sponsored a bill to
prohibit scientists advising the EPA science committee.... What the hell is
wrong with people?
25 February 2015 Wednesday
How can this be measured on standardized
testing and used as data to show legislators that teachers are doing their job
to turn kids into clogs so businesses can have a trained work force? After all
Utah legislators spend so much money on education and care so much about
educating the whole child. I know they love teachers so much they are willing
to spend $50 on each teacher so they can be compensated for the hundreds they
spend out of their own pockets which we have too because we get $7 per kid to
buy all supplies needed for the classroom and it’s against the law to ask a
parent of an elementary age kid for a dime.
26 February 2015 Thursday
My blood sugars were 77 this morning. The
lowest I have ever tested. I finished reading the Witches to the kids. So
surprised they hadn’t read it. I thought
all kids had read all the Roald Dahl books. They all are into these 500 page
fantasy books. Well good for the at least they are reading. It was really cold
today. It Snowed in Bountiful first snow since Christmas and they kids were going
crazy. I realized I really don’t like kids on snow days LOL.. If people wonder
where I've been ...I've been gone for about 2 weeks now in the 17th century
colony of Virginia along the Blackwater River Of Isle of Wight County. Some
people take cruises. I like to time travel. Finally getting to get the John
Williamses into their family groups and figuring out which one is mine...
Learning all about head rights, tobacco as cash, trips back and forth across
the Atlantic to Bristol... The fussing royalists, puritans, and Quakers... The
Dutch War ships, the Native American push back, primogeniture laws, and how
everyone wanted a cow.... There's only about a 1000 people there so I will meet
most of them soon... People say what you going to do when you retire? Travel?
Yep time travel ... So many places to see and people to get to know... Me and
my family we go way back .. I took one of those FB quizzes on What you hate
tells a lot about you. I got stubborn Intellectual ....When you express hatred,
it comes from a place of intellectual frustration and the belief that the world
should make sense. There is nothing worse than people and things that waste
your time and rational energy. You are remarkably smart, but more than that,
you are adept at analyzing and understanding situations and people. More than
anything, you are concerned with understanding the world around you and grasping
its ideas and functions. You should continue making thoughtful choices and the
world will follow your lead... I think pretty right on. I am an intellectual
snob.
27 February 2015 Friday
At school Liz Beck brought in donuts and
announced that its official that the District posted an opening for her job
next year. I guess they give retirees a bell with their name on it so the
secretary asked how I wanted my name and I said Edgar Williams although I
always went by Edd for the 27 years I taught school. I set off my last
volcanoes today also…so it’s all coming to a closure. After getting somethings
ready for next week I took off for home and when grocery shopping. I needed to
get all my pills for next month also. Nothing of news at Mikes so after feeding
the dogs I went off to the FHL to do some research. I’ve been amazed how the
older Library helpers and even some of the patrons treat the missionaries who
serve there like they are servants. Kind of rude and disrespectful. But I have
to say some of the Missionaries there are pretty goofy looking. Maybe they the not so bright ones serve at
the library rather out in the mission field. As a teenager growing up in Garden
Grove, Beach Blvd took us straight to Huntington Beach about 7 miles away...my
favorite memories are of the old pier that got washed away in 1983 but since
been rebuilt I am told. At 1850 feet it was one of the longest on the west
coast. There was a food shack at the very end and people would fish off the
pier and it was fun to see what people caught and it was especially fun to
watch those California boys surf...I can still smell the briny air and
fishiness of the pier. It was especially enchanting at night. I spent my senior
graduation night with John Cunningham on that pier gazing off into the moon lit
waters as we contemplated our future out of high school. To be 18 again, in
love, and naïve. As a college kid use to drive into LA at night and think how
beautiful were the lights...I loved the LA natural history museum, the tar
pits, Alvera Street, the downtown library, Graumann Chinese Theater, the
Griffith observatory, the zoo, MacArthur Park ... Good memories but I am happy
to live in SLC even if the rest of Utah is bat shit crazy tea party republicans
Coming home from the library I heard that Leonard Nimoy [Spock from Star Trek]
had died at the age of 83. He will be remembered generations from now.
28 February 2015 Saturday
I was going to go meet up with Kent Scadlock
today and go Deseret Industries [DI] shopping but he wasn’t feeling well so I
stayed home and typed up what I had copied last night at the FHL [Family
History Library]. It was a cold overcast day also with some snowflakes. I did some laundry today but that’s all the
house work I did before heading off to the Library again. I wanted to look up
emigrants from Bristol England to Virginia but was really disappointed because
it didn’t give the dates just names. Did find more guardianship info on Lewis
Williams who died in 1679. I fixed some dinner but was too worn out by research
to do much more than go to bed about 7:30 and watched a marathon of 4 episodes
on House of Cards the most recent season. Its super good but no one is admirable
for sure. This morning Jim Dabakis
called and said that a state wide anti-discrimination bill may be introduced
Monday and brought to a committee hearing by Wednesday and the following week
it may become law so he asked if I’d write up something on the struggle for
anti-discrimination laws in the state.
·
My
FB friend Ron-Roland Holmgren wrote this I thought was worth nothing-Midnight
ramblings....I have reached the age that I realize I will never realize the
things I wanted to accomplish. But on the other hand, my resume of life isn't
that bad. My fifteen minutes of fame was on radio where I was a disc jockey and
appeared weekly on a trivia show. I have been a male model (for Wrangled
Jeans), a paid escort, a NASA guinea pig, engaged three times, married once,
have had three long term relationships, with the exception of two jobs, have
always been the boss from regional manager, district manager, area manager ,
coordinator and director. I am a gifted speaker and story teller who has won
dozens of awards and trophies. I served in the Army where I was a military
policeman. I've been fortunate to have known many performers from Janis Joplin,
Wanda Jackson, Joni James, Joan Baez, and have attended hundreds of concerts
both in the audience and back stage including working at Woodstock. I won't get
into my intimate life but I think people would be shocked (or dismayed) that
when I read a person had had 1,000 sex partners, I thought, well, he's almost a
virgin. I am a member of AA, was a drug dealer and smuggled drugs. I was a
caregiver for my mother and sister and raised two ungrateful half-brothers. I
am a published author of young adult stories. I am very private person in many
ways, so this has been something I wouldn't normally do, but damn it feels good
to both brag and confess.
MARCH
1 March 2015 Sunday
This morning Seth Anderson texted me to ask how
involved was I in Affirmation from 1989-1992 and wrote him back “not very”
because my hay days were from 1986-1989. He never wrote back which I thought
was rather rude. I have stopped following those two on FB. The only time they
seem to want to interact with me is when they need something. Especially Seth
and Michael Ferguson as sweet as he is goes off in a hundred different
directions. I guess that is what genius does. I did not do any work on the
Williamses today rather I spent five hours going through my files and pulling
up everything that I have on anti-discrimination efforts here in Utah for the
Gay community for Jim Dabakis who wants me to post some history on Facebook and
I only got into September... If people only knew what goes into writing up our
history... or the time commitment I have given to this community for the past
30 years of documenting, archiving, researching, doing oral histories and
writing a column for the Q Salt since 2004 and columns for the Tryangle,
Bridge, and Pillar long before that. I missed writing one for this March Issue.
I wonder if anyone noticed? Mike Sanders called me to spout off about David
Andreassen. I guess Michael had talked to the Pride Day Folks about having a
Kink presence at Pride Day and he was told it was a great idea and he started
lining up venders and stuff until Dave went in and complained that having a
Kink Section at Pride day Would send the wrong message blah bla blah and anyway
now the Center is back tracking and does not want Michael Sanders to have a
presence there. I guess Michael is building up quite the Leather community
here. Before going to bed I messaged Jim “Haven't forgotten... Been working all
day going through my files I am into September and have 33 pages I will
condense down to three as soon as I get all sources done.” He wrote back, “love
you brother...”
·
Bill
Poore I told u I did...how many life time achievement awards have you won?
·
Edgar
Ben Williams I don’t know I haven't lived a lifetime yet
·
Chuck
Whyte You are a true part of the foundation of our community and those who
think otherwise can place their heads back up a Republicans ass
·
Edgar
Ben Williams I am just the old wild Gay radical until they need some history
Lol
·
Roland
Allen Holmgren I noticed you didn't have a column for the March issue. I
thought, oh dear God, now Ben has pissed off someone at QSalt, and they have
suspended him just like Facebook. One of the reasons I never miss an issue is
your column. What you have accomplished needs to be published so all could have
a chance to read it. I am sorry that the history of Gay Utah can't be entrusted
to the Pride Center.
·
Edgar Ben Williams Thanks Ron... No the Pride
Center can't be trusted with our history ... So much lost when they got rid of
the archives...Jay Bell and I saved what we could and is safe at the Marriott
Library at the U... I spent a year posting this day in Gay Utah History on a
blog so what I collected is in cyberspace for future historians... Can't let
others tell our stories
·
Robert
Henline Utah Pride and trust are two things that should never occur in the same
sentence. Perhaps new management will fix things, but from what I've heard it's
the same old cycle.
·
Roland
Allen Holmgren Interesting article in the paper about renovations going on at
the center. It seems they can get funding for those renovations, if the
building is spun off into a separate entity. The center can use the building
but won't own it. I worked for a non-profit organization that spun off all
their properties into a separate organization. When a nasty fight for control
of the organization was resolved, the people who took over the organization,
found they had a shell of the organization. Everything of real value legally
belonged to the people who were ousted. I would not be surprised if in the
future, the building and any real property are owned by this other company, and
the Pride Center only thing of value (and that is debatable) will be the name.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams In 2002 Pride Day was a separate entity but was co-opted by the
then Lesbian and Gay Community Center without any community input or outrage
except for a few activists protesting the deception... It has gone on to be a
commercial money maker for the center...gone from being a free community event
to a diversity money grubbing enterprise that is interested in promoting a
"safe and acceptable" image of rainbow decked out corporations. VIP
roped off section is an obscenity and this is from someone who gets these
passes. When did anyone become more important than anyone else? Guess you got
to keep the moneyed A Listers from the riff raff... Sorry but that's not my
idea of Gay Pride and why we had a revolution at Stonewall. The Pride Center and
Day folks are the ones who don't want to see Dykes on Bikes, queer nation,
scantily decked out Gay Boys, drag Queens or the Leather community or
Faeries... Mormons building bridges, straight people, baby strollers, married
Gays and Trans folks ... Respectable folks that's what it's all about...It's a
party not a protest any more... Whatever brings in the most money and brings
out the biggest crowd... I made the first banner that said Gay and Lesbian
Pride Day in 1988 and draped it across the stage. People were scared that it
would keep people away and I said if we leaders can't be proud how do we help
others? I was involved with every pride day from 1986 to 2003 but sorry I think
Pride is more than a party but no one wants to hear that anymore...might offend
someone with money.
·
Douglas
Cartier You do us a great service Ben!
2 March 2015 Monday
Much cooler today. February was nice and mild
but March is turning into a lion. I am so tired these days I think from not
being able to sleep well at night because of my leg itching so badly that it
wakes me up and I have been getting up
way to early like 5:30 or even 5. Former mayor DeeDee Corridini died yesterday.
She did not leave a very good legacy for Gay people, however. She refused to
issue an executive order to protect Gays from discrimination, she hired A chief
of police with a known track record of bias against Gays, she refused to veto
the city councils rescinding of an anti-discrimination law.... Gays got her
into office ...she only won by 400 votes and she turned her back on us... Her
pay to play was her undoing People must have short term memories about old
DeeDee. The Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats threw their support for her and she won
by 400 votes and then she threw us under the bus. GLUD asked her to issue an
executive order to add an anti-discrimination ordinance for SLC like the county
did but she refused... She chose Ruben Ortega as police chief which had a track
record in AZ as having a bias against gays... The community council asked her
to reconsider but she dismissed our concerns... Only person who supported her
was a crook who ran the OutFront and scammed people... Then when Jolly had the
city council rescind the anti-discrimination ordinance the community begged her
to use her veto... But no... Only when she was out of office did Rocky Anderson
by executive order pass an anti-discrimination ordinance in city government...
She sold Main Street to the Mormons which they lied about Remember Little Bit
of Paris... She was not our friend. When I came home I worked all evening on
the project for Jim but now that it’s all researched I can start writing it up.
·
He
later messaged me saying, “lets shoot for you talking to the town hall meeting
for 5 minutes or so. Wednesday night. on the historical view...”
·
I wrote back, “I have 5 pages done and only up
to 1992 SL County passing anti-discrimination ...getting there lol ... Where is
the meeting held?”
·
He
wrote “Capitol...6:30 Wednesday...your message is important. it glues what’s
happening this week together...but 3 minutes is it...ok, maybe 4...lol.”
·
“I
will bring my egg timer ... At least it's not a two minute talk ... Can I bare
my testimony? “LOL.
·
Its
FAST Wednesday, please be properly prepared...”
·
“Send me your email address please”
·
“i
hope not for bomber throwers. jim.dabakis@gmail.com”
·
“No lol to send you what I've been writing
·
Have
u seen the bill?
·
I've
looked only on what Fox reported haven't had time yet at school but will Be
there Wednesday 4:15pm. Where at the Capitol tonight Senate Building or
capitols building or has it been canceled because of today's events?
·
It’s
in the auditorium of the State Office Building, which is behind the Capitol
thanks
3 March 2015 Tuesday
March 3rd and we got a skiff of snow on the
rooftops here in Westpointe. It's a blizzard here in Davis County, not fun.
Nearly 7 inches of snow in the parking lot at school in Bountiful... I have a
student coughing her head off and blowing her nose at school because her mom
doesn't have any more sick days to keep her home... So I wonder how many will
get sick including me... Joy of being an elementary school teacher. Indoor
recess but hopefully by lunch kick the kids out so they can frolic before it
all melts... They will smell like wet dogs though. James Dabakis is a miracle
worker if he can get Mormon Legislators to agree that Gay and Trans folks are a
minority in need of protection from discrimination in housing and employment in
Utah. The biggest fear that Mormon politicians had against Gay Civil Rights was
the slippery slope argument that anything that protected Gay folks would lead
to the dreaded Gay Marriage... Well they need not worry about that any longer
so there is no longer any excuse to do the right thing... Jim will also be a
miracle worker if he can get me to shut up after 3 minutes...
·
Mark
Lawrence Openly Gay Senator Jim Dabakis has indeed worked very hard on this
bill. So has Troy. I wonder if Utah's only Openly Gay Senator Jim Dabakis has a
backup plan if this bill fails.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams I think he wears it proudly and I sure the hell wouldn't want to
be misidentified as straight . In fact I'd like to be referred to as Gay Ben
Williams
·
Mark
Lawrence Does his name plate say, "Openly Gay Senator Jim Dabakis"?
·
James
Dabakis Mark...Ditto. LOL. How about openly straight Senator Urquhart being so
identified? Plan B for me involves the Trevor Project...
·
Jeff
Harris · Friends with James Dabakis James Dabakis, What is happening with SB
99, the bill to protect folks from discrimination in public accommodations?
·
Bill
Poore I agree Mark, James is more than just an openly gay senator. Ben William
it is hard not to tell you are gay when your house is painted in Rainbow Colors
and your dogs bark out the song "We are Family".
·
Edgar
Ben Williams Well Scott McCoy already got "The Gay" moniker... I
wonder if practicing homosexual is taken?
·
Bill
Poore Jackie served for years as an openly gay person......being gay is nothing
new when half the legislators are closeted anyway, "Back room deal"
takes on an entirely different meaning in the Utah Legislature.
·
Edgar Ben Williams Jackie was the first openly
gay woman to be elected to the legislature back in 1999
·
4 March 2015 Wednesday
Great news coming out of the legislators due to
hard work on the part of James Dabakis and Steve Urquhart... However Utah did
not wake up one morning and saw the light... Step by step pioneer Activists had
to blaze a path... David Nelson introduced the first anti-discrimination bill
in 1986 which was rejected by SLC but he kept at it. Connell O'Donovan Debra
Burrington and LGSU officers got an anti-discrimination clause passed in
student body rules at the U in 1991 followed by President Chase making the U
the first state institution to ban discrimination based on sexual orientation.
Nelson got the Democrats to add language to their platform in 1990 prohibiting
discrimination against Gays and wrote the ordinance adopted in 1992 by the
County of SL... The 1st governing body to ban discrimination...grass roots
activism worked their asses off and were hit hard in the 1990s but whatever has
been achieved today was possible by people like David Nelson. James Dabakis
asked me to speak for a few minutes on the history of the struggle for Gay
Civil Rights in Utah to give a perspective on this historic day. Jim, Sen Steve
Urquhart, and Cliff Rosky addressed a crowd of concerned members of the
community on the merits of SB 296. I am quite satisfied that nothing was given
to the LDS church that they didn't already have and there's no individual
"religious freedom" clause that people could use to discriminate
against Gays or Trans. Jim said some very kind things about my saving the
history of our community and afterwards Donna Weinholtz asked me to help with a
project she's doing. I said don't reinvent the wheel you can have full access
to my files. Why did I spend years compiling them if not to share? It’s the
teacher in me I suppose. I am totally against it said Gayle Ruzicka as her
testimony slips away ... Poor irrelevant dinosaur Gayle is a good measurement
for what is just and fair...if she's for something it can only be wrong. if she
is against it then it's the right thing to do. Her moral compass is so warped
by hatred of Gay people that she has demonized in her reality. it's been an
obsession of hers for over 25 years to harm Gay people. Hate is a poison and it
shows on her face. I shook Sen. Steve Urquhart’s hand when I left and said I
don't like Republicans but I love you. He seemed touched. It inserts gender
identity and sexual orientation in the Code that protects all other classes
like race, religion, and gender. It even has a bathroom clause for trans folks. Chillin' at the Equality Utah Forum last
night before giving my 2 minute talk and testimony... It was good to see
Kristin Ries and Maggie Snyder out and about.... I was Sitting in the back...
Some people like the limelight ...I like to watch and observe like an old
fox... Remarked that once we were hardly tolerated on the Capitol steps but now
we are in the halls of power.... I said my first Gay Pride Day I didn't think
there was as many there as there were in the room. Wanted them to know this
didn't all happen in a vacuum .. Home from the Capitol. The full moon over the
dome was spectacular.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams Religious exceptions are not given to individuals only religious
organizations and their affiliates which they already have... nothing new
·
Mark
Lawrence I just came from the E.U. Townhall meeting about SB 296 and heard
discussions from the Senators, Troy Williams and Cliff Rosky. I am very happy
to say that I believe this bill is the best possible non-discrimination
legislation that we could ever hope for. This bill has components that protect
everyone. They have done this by making all parties equal and excluding no one.
I urge everyone to stand behind Equality Utah, Openly Gay Senator James
Dabakis, Openly Republican Senator Steve Urquhart and those who worked very
hard to bring this bill into the world. Please call your Senators and ask them
to support it.
·
Joshua
Jonas Kent Jones You're a treasure, Ben.
·
Clyde
Peck Trujillo The individual religious freedom clauses are the most dangerous
part of these bills. I'm glad that is gone.
·
Edgar
Ben Williams Amen
·
Amy
Barry Sorry I wasn't there to hear you.
·
Mak
Lawrence The bill is actually very good. Ben your history speaks are always
great.
·
Gail
Turpin I was so glad to hear your narrative on the history of the gay rights
movement, Ben. Thank you.
·
Edgar Ben Williams I held a summer series as
part of the Utah Historical Society last summer... might again this year.
·
David
Andreason You did a great job, Ben--and I'm glad you didn't keep it to 2 1/2
minutes! You're a treasure to our community.
5 March 2015 Thursday
Senator Adams drafted a bill to let state and
county officials opt out of marrying Gay folks if it’s against t their beliefs.
Does he have any idea how offensive this is? Can a born again Christian opt out
of marrying a Mormon couple because he thinks they belong to a cult? Shouldn’t
a public official who is paid by everyone's tax dollars keep his personal
beliefs at home? On what should be a happy day why have it clouded by some jerk
who thinks Gayle is a good measurement for what is just and fair...if she's for
something it can only be wrong. if she is against it then it's the right thing
to do. Her moral compass is so warped by hatred of Gay people that she has
demonized in her reality. it's been an obsession of hers for over 25 years to
harm Gay people. Hate is a poison and it shows on her face. you are a lesser
human being? He may be pandering to the conservatives in his party but I am
very disappointed that this should be brought up... what else will they try to
sneak in? The Supreme Court set a date of April 28 to hear arguments on Gay
Marriage.
6 March 2015 Friday
I am so glad I called I sick today. I so needed
time away from the kids. I worked on the folks from Isle of Wight Virginia for
much of the morning and find a great
plat map site that shows where all the land grants for my ancestors were in the
late 1600’s and it’s so cool. Then called Chuck up to see if he wanted to go to
lunch at Chuck A Rama. I knew he would if he was available. When I took a
shower I noticed that the rash on my right leg was not good and that it was
bright red. So after Chuck and I were finished with our meal I drove up to
Bountiful to Dr. Kelly in the Urgency Clinic I used. I could easily fall in
love with him. He wasn’t sure what it was but wasn’t a dry skin rash so he
prescribed some antibiotic. While I was at the doctors the State Senate passed
SB296 the compromise bill that is supposed to guarantee religious liberties and
at the same time prevent discrimination in housing and employment against Gay
and trans. It’s a historic day but there’s so much criticism. After feeding the
dogs I went to the genealogical library to look up immigrants from Bristol to
Virginia to see if I could find a connection. I was able to find some things
but everything is so elusive from that time period for my people. A Utah State
Senator wants to pass a bill that would allow county clerks not to have to
marry someone if it’s against their deeply held beliefs as long as there is
someone else in the office who could marry folks. Why is this bill even
necessary? You mean to say Piute County where everyone is nearly 100 person
Mormon they will find some clerk willing to marry Gay people and if not no one
gets married there? If marrying folks is part of your job requirement and you
won't do it... fire them.... but in reality in 10 years this will be such a
non-issue...the younger Mormon generation will be so over this...Oakes, Packer,
Monson all will be dead... it will be as meaningless as not letting Black kids
hold leadership positions because they wouldn’t be Mormon Deacons. We are on
the winning side of history after all... From Queer Nation protesting at the
gates of Temple Square to Elder Perry shaking hands with Senator Dabakis ... we
have come a long way baby... thank of all our dearly loved friends who never
ever get to see Gay Marriage in Utah or the Senate pass an anti-discrimination
bill that protects Gays and Trans... Well I have my issues with Equality Utah
but not with Jim... He has a proven track record that he isn't into just self-promotion...
This bill is not the end its just the beginning of conversations where the LDS
wouldn't even talk to us before. I have accept that the LDS are bargaining in
good faith until proven otherwise... I think they are scared shitless and want
as many life jackets as possible until they figure out that we aren't the
Sharks .... the fundamentalists are.
7 March 2015 Saturday
Turned out to be a really beautiful day this
last day of Standard Time as we get ready to lose a hour of sleep tomorrow but
I was really productive today. Fixed a breakfast of blueberry pancakes with
eggs and bacon and then got to work on cleaning the house. I started on the
bedroom because Kyle Daniels wanted to come over at noon and fuck. Changed the
sheets made the bed and actually moved a lot of clutter and stuff down stairs.
Kind of a quick spring cleaning but there’s yet more to do. Tried to vacuum some
but both my sears vacuum and the dirt devil one called it quits so I threw them
out. I have a very lightweight one I’ve had for 15 years or more that seems to
still do the job but I am going to have to go shopping for a new vacuum soon.
Then I started in scrubbing the floor by hand to get up all the pee’s spots. I
don’t know why they have their favorite spots to mark rather than just go outside.
I had such a lonesome dream the other morning that Coco was kidnapped by a
neighbor and I was so distraught so I am happy to have my babies even if it
means cleaning up after them. I’ve seen toddlers squat and pee on the floor too
so no judgments about having dogs. I worked a good three hours doing laundry
and cleaning. Kyle didn’t show up at 12 so I thought I need to get to school
this afternoon and prepare something for next week since I took off Friday and
as I was about to leave at 12:30 Kyle shows up. At first I was ticked but he
makes me feel so good that I pretty well melted and said I could go up to
school later and we hot tubbed naked and played and kissed before taking me to
bed. After some pretty passionate afternoon delight and he was all spent,
twice, he left and I went up to school. I finally put my tags on the truck and
drove it because I haven’t taken it out of the garage since I had it worked.
Levon must have been thinking of me because he texted me to see how I was
doing. I reminded him to change his clocks forward. Didn’t stay long at school
just enough to get a schedule ready and figure out what I am doing in Math and
Reading. Coming back to the house fixed some supper for the pups and I had a
fish sandwich and onion rings and called it good. I love a clean house...I
wonder why I don't do it more often? I made some chocolate chip banana pecan
nut bread rather than waste my over ripe bananas. I made them with whole wheat
because my friend Richard P. Butler said get rid of the white flour. I am not
planning on eating them. One’s for Bill Poore... May freeze one for company or
give it away too... Been listening to early 60s music all day...Silver Threads
and Golden Needles Can't Mend this heart of Mine. I think my cellulitis rash is
getting better with the antibiotics. All I know is that it doesn’t itch as
much. I was pretty well wiped for the evening and went to bed after turning all
the clocks forward. What a difference a year makes... Last year Gary Herbert
was willing to spend millions to keep marriage equality out of Utah and now
he's willing to sign SB296 ... we are living in interesting times. There’s a
study out that says the ratio of men to boys is highest in Utah. I say yay!
More men for me smile emoticon Maybe my chances of finding a husband will
improve... Yeah right... LOL But it definitely explains why there are so many
Gay men coming out of Utah. I got a long letter today from Kyle Foote [my other
Kyle] finally dated the 4th so that came pretty fast. He sounded very
reflective commenting on things he surprisingly missed being in prison like
anything soft. He said he hadn’t felt anything soft since being in prison. He
mentioned about some guys on his cell block being busted for homemade hootch.
·
He
wrote this to me at the end “Well my friend, I feel truly grateful every day to
have you in my life. Although I need to write you more there is not a day that
goes by when I don’t think of you. So many men here do not have people like you
in their life and I can’t imagine having to go through that challenge. I can
feel your love in my heart and I sense your thoughts and concerns for me every
day. It’s amazing how much having a true friend like you have impacted my life
for the better. I will never properly thank or repay you… I feel more whole now
than I’ve felt at any other point in my life. Who knows maybe I’ve started to
grow up at last? All my love Kyle.”
8 March 2015 Sunday
Sunday pot roast with Bill Poore, mashed
potatoes, gravy, peas, hominy, fried okra and whole wheat dinner rolls... I
think my bread turned out good too now time for a nap
9 March 2015 Monday
One of students when mentioning President Obama
was calling him Broccoli Obama... I had to keep from laughing and corrected him
saying that it's Barack Obama.. I guess they don't talk about politics much in
his house lol
10 March 2015 Tuesday
The 47 Senators that committed treason should
be sent packing or jailed.
·
Kathy
Riser Hi Ben! Enjoy your comments and posts. I was wondering if you might know
of some Utah gay history form 1970-74. I'm writing my memoirs and was hoping to
add a little background as to the climate at that time. (I came out in '74 in
Logan). Can you help or steer me to some references? I asked Connell and he
never got back to me. I know you are a repository of Utah Gay history also. Fond
memories of going to Unconditional Support meetings. TTYL
·
Benedgar
Send me an email address and I will send you all I have from that time
·
Kathy Wow Ben! I am mainly wondering if there were
any gay groups formed at that time, in
Salt Lake. What kinds of resources there were. My guess is nada. Just
the bars. Thank you so much!. My email is k.riser1@sbcglobal.net
11 March 2015 Wednesday
The great thing about SB296 is that it protects
you whether you supported the bill or not... Nondiscrimination bill comes when
I am retiring, marriage equality after I am out of the marriage game but I
still supported both... I wish I could see Gayle Ruzicka and the Sutherland
Institutes faces.
12 March 2015 Thursday
Home from a historic day at the state capitol
witnessing the signing of the first anti-discrimination bill in Utah for the
protection of sexual orientation and gender identity. I went with Chuck Whyte
and visited with Mark Lawrence over how divided this process became for our
community. I said I don't discount people anger at what they perceive to be
just a PR stunt on the part of the church to codify their bigotry. I just
didn't see it that way. I think this bill will do more good than harm or I
would have never supported it. If I have been anything, I've been loyal to the
best interest of my tribe. The cheering was amazing when James Dabakis gave the
crowd a thumbs up after the governor signed the bill. Both Mark and I hugged
Jim and I teared up thinking what a long hard road it’s been to get to this
point, Gayle Ruzicka was sitting in the front row and was not happy and skipped
out before the bill was signed into law. No matter its faults we now have
protection to share our lives at work and in our dwellings. I thanked Steve Urquhart,
and Steve Rosky before taking off.
·
Troy
Williams Hey Ben! How are you? We would love you to stand on the steps with us
during the signing ceremony. Can you be at the Rotunda by 5:30pm? Thanks!
·
Benedgar
I will be honored to stand with my hero Jim Dabakis... You have a great mentor
and friend in that man
·
Troy
we are honored to stand next to YOU! my friend! What an incredible day
·
Dear
Kyle, My last letter was written Sunday night when I was bone weary so I said I
would write you on what is going on here. So I thought I’d write you on this
historic day when the governor signed into law prohibiting discrimination on
the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. just returned home from the state capitol
where I witnessed the signing of the first anti-discrimination bill in Utah.
Troy Williams asked me to stand on the steps in the rotunda with others who
helped pioneer this day. I stood with Mark Lawrence, the guy that brought
Marriage Equality to America, and we visited. Many are divided this process over how Senate Bill 296
became for our community. I said I didn't discount people’s anger at what they
perceived to be just a PR stunt on the part of the LDS church to codify their
bigotry. I just didn't see it that way. I think this bill will do more good
than harm or I would have never supported it. If I have been anything, I've
been loyal to the best interest of my tribe. The cheering was amazing when Jim
Dabakis gave the crowd a thumbs up after the governor signed the bill. Both
Mark and I were able to hug Jim and I teared up when he said how important it
was for us to be there because we knew the struggle. I said what a long hard
road it’s been to get to this point, Gayle Ruzicka was sitting in the front row
and was not happy and skipped out before the bill was signed into law. Curtis
Price was standing a few steps down and began singing We Shall Overcome and I
sang along. It was amazing to be a part of living history. No matter the bill’s
faults you and I now have protection to share our lives at work and in our
dwellings without fear of retribution. What a difference a year makes... Just
last year Troy Williams and 12 others were arrested at the capitol for
protesting that the legislature refused to hear the nondiscrimination bill
before it and this year two LDS Apostles are shaking his hand with him and
telling the press that the SB296 bill had the full support of the church. Last year Gary Herbert was willing to spend
millions to keep marriage equality out of Utah and now I saw him sign SB296
into law... we are living in interesting times So let me back up. Saturday, the
last day of February, Jim Dabakis called me I the morning to inform me that a
state wide Gay and Trans anti-discrimination bill may be ready by Monday the
2nd and brought to a Senate committee hearing by Wednesday and he thought by
the following week it may even become law. For weeks Steve Urquhart, Cliff Roskey
and Jim had been meeting with high church officials and their lawyers to hammer
out a bill that would include religious liberty and nondiscrimination. Most
people do not know this private information because it hasn’t been made public
yet. Jim Dabakis said that the LDS Church’s lawyers and his Senate Lawyers and
Equality Utah’s lawyers got together to hash out language and were tangling
over every minutia detail. Nothing was getting done so a frustrated Jim finally
told those lawyers that they worked for the legislature and they need to draft
the ordinance the way Dabakis and Urquhart’s committee wanted it drafted. The
LDS lawyer just could not get on board, and the LDS church officials were so
adamant to make this bill work that they fired their lawyer! They put pressure
on their new high power lawyer to come to terms. That astounded me when I heard
that that the church fired their own obstinate lawyer. So when he called me, he
asked if I’d write up a historical perspective on the struggle for Gay
anti-discrimination laws in the state. So I spent much of the weekend going
through my files and I was exhausted but managed to pull together about 33 pages
that I paired it down to nine. The next Tuesday Jim called me again and wanted
me to speak at the Equality Utah Forum on Wednesday to give a historical
perspective of the struggle to pass an anti-discrimination bill and after a big
announcement was to be made. That afternoon on Wednesday the 4th, The LDS
Church called a news conference with Elder Perry and Elder Christofferson [who
has a Gay brother] in attendance with Jim Dabakis, Steve Urquhart and Troy Williams
announcing that the Senate Bill 296 which was being presented to a Senate
Committee hearing had the LDS Church’s full support. Unbelievable. So with that
news, even though I was tired, and fighting an infection in my leg that I
didn’t know was infected I went after school up to the Equality Utah’s Town
Meeting. It was held at the Capitol. The usually “A lister mucky mucks” were
all there and I sat down inconspicuously and was barely acknowledged by
anyone. Half the people in the room were
children when I was building community in the 80’s so I didn’t expect any to
know me, but the power lesbians like the Marquardts, and Turpins and Pride Staff all knew me but
kept their distance. You know how I hate being praised but when Jim introduced
me he laid it on so thick saying that after he and everyone else is gone in a
hundred years Ben Williams will be remembered for meticulously keeping a record
of our history. And I believe Jim truly feels that way because he understands
the value of history as much as I do. So
anyway I spoke for about 5 minutes. I
talked about David Nelson drafting the first anti-discrimination bill for SLC
in 1986 and how it was turned down over and over again until when in 1992 SL
County adopted his draft as an ordinance.
I talked about how SLC adopted an anti-discrimination bill in 1997 only
to see it repealed the next year in 1998 by a Mormon majority of the city
council members. I said how at the same time the state legislators were
discussing in the Capitol how to stop Gay Student clubs and how Gays were
pedophiles and a health threat. Now some 20 years later here we are with them
about to consider a bill to protect Gays and Trans as a protected class from
housing and employment discrimination- with the full support of the Mormon Church!
After the meeting all of a sudden people wanted to meet me, like now I am
visible again instead of that old crank. LOL Donna Weinholtz just gushed over
to me and suddenly I became her new best friend. She wanted my email address
and my help with her writing a book on protests in Utah. You know me. I am not
impressed with money or things just intelligence, compassion, and integrity.
Well immediately after the news conference FB was on fire from people either
supporting the bill or lambasting the bill and Jim. It’s been a cyber civil
war. People were lined up either for it or against it. Even Charles and I were on different sides of
the issue. He doesn’t support it and wrote me, “They are acting like this is as
big as the second coming. Jesus! WHAT DOES the bill say?! That's what no one,
including MAG seems able to report. It's so convoluted and watered down. Do YOU
know what it says? Tell me.” I wrote back “The Bill SB296 is a big deal ... It
will be a good law if passed ... Doesn't give individual's right to
discriminate nor the LDS anymore protection then it had before but it does
include sexual orientation and gender identity as protected classes from
discrimination in employment and housing...however Troy Williams head is about
to explode with sycophants praise when Cliff Roskey and Steve Urquhart did all
the work.” Charles wrote back: “I am confused about your feelings with this
bill. The Ben I know would feel we are being sold down river with this
compromised mess of a bill. Are you in support, and if so--WHY? Is it because
of loyalty to Dabakis? I am Jim's friend too, but I feel he has created a mess
with giving in here and there and everywhere.” I replied “I listened to Roskey
and Urquhart and they addressed the concerns I had... I am not willing to pass
up some protection for no protection... A compromise is a compromise... We won
everything with Gay Marriage... The LDS church lost everything on that one...
We are getting two out of three things... Jobs, housing, and public
accommodations will come in time... For Utah to enact a state wide
nondiscrimination law is huge... Even with the proviso that religious
organization can set requirements and standards which they already can under
the 1st amendment... I would like someone to convince me that this law will do
harm rather than help the majority of people... It's not perfect but I can't go
along with people who say it's better to have nothing than something... It's a
start it's a beginning it's not the end ... Progress moves forward and this
moves forward... It allows LDS people time to know that it's not the end of the
world to be open to Gay people... You know what it was like at BYU in the 70s
this is a huge paradigm shift in Mormon reality ... “I got the Charles Frost
dismissal when he wrote-Thanks for sharing your perspective. I agree with your
thinking when it comes to certain issues, but incrementalism when it comes to
basic gay civil rights--it not one of those for me. We can talk. I was done
talking to him about the bill because his mind is made up and as far as I am
concerned his views are colored by his hatred of Troy Williams. He can’t stand
that Troy is in the limelight and getting so much adoration. Well every dog has
his day and Troy Williams is having his. He’s the shining knight in armor
delivering the goods. Or so it appears. But Jim is the real king maker and had
placed him at the head of Equality Utah... Where I disagree with Charles is
that this concession by the LDS Church is not incremental. This is huge. Why is
it that some of us are so afraid of the paradigm shift of leaving behind the
construct of “us vs. them?” We owe it to the past and the future to begin a dialog
of faith with each other. I know coming from me this is shocking especially to
those who see me as a wide eyed radical anti LDS pro-Gay ranter but rhetoric
only gets you so far. I feel the extremes of the right and the left is leaving
a big hole in the middle where opportunity to do some real good will fall
through and be lost. Most people don’t realize that I am extreme only so others
can be seen as moderate. Extremism isn't a goal in of itself. Gay Civil Rights
is the goal. But I didn’t want to argue with Charles anymore because his mind
was made up. On Friday the 6th the Utah Senate passed HB296 with only five nay
votes mostly ultra conservatives. You could tell that the church’s position was
what made most of the Senate vote in favor of the bill who would not have
except for the official sanction. You can hear that the church’s new position
was so troublesome to its own members by what Sen., Madsen said. “"I'm
bothered that it appears my church is endorsing government, using force, to
compel me and my fellow citizens to live by a standard that they are not
willing to live by"...."do I do as my church tells me to do or do I
do as my church does?" He eventually voted as his church told him. What I think some Gays posting on FB don’t
understand is that this bill is a bitter pill for many Mormon Republicans. The
fact that Sen. Madsen was basically calling his church leaders hypocrites is a
big Wow! So many of these men are
fearful that this vote will come back to haunt them especially in Utah County
that Senator Adams passed out of committee Bill 297 that would allow county
officials who hold deeply sincere beliefs to opt out of marrying Gay couples!
It cannot be easy for some of these men to do the right thing when they have
been convinced all their lives that Gay people are the adversary. Even when
Dallin Oaks just called us the adversary. We got some real Looney tunes in the
legislature, who love ideology more than they love people. Gayle Ruzicka had
her picture plastered all over FB when she was in the Senate gallery listening
to the debate. Her sour puss looked like she was sitting on a pile of
hemorrhoids. Lots of nasty comments were made but it did begin to feel like
kicking a dog when she is defeated. I
wrote on FB, “her time on the stage is about over...Anyone remember Joy Beech
or Frances Hatch Merrill? if not let Gayle take her place alongside them. She
will soon be forgotten by another generation. She was a gifted woman and had a
talent to mobilize, I will give her that, but her all-consuming narrow vision
of morality and fear of change was her fatal flaw. Perhaps losing a son to an
overdose of heroin because of his own demons of being Gay in a family that
public image was based on hating Gays made her want to fix that which is
unfixable... human nature. I feel rather sorry for her. What a bitter pill to
know your life work will come to nothing. Since we are winning we can afford to
be gracious... No one likes a sore winner... Ignore her just like Joy Beech
...and if you say who? I rest my case.” Any way last Sunday after I wrote you
your letter, Jim called me all jittery and frustrated that after the Senate
passed the bill Greg Hughes speaker of the house assigned it to LaVar
Christensen’s Judicial Committee. So Jim
went straight to Hughes to find out what the hell was that all about and Hughes
assured Jim that he would get LaVar to move it out of committee and up for a
vote. I suggested that Jim doesn’t read the comments posted on FB until after
Bill 296 either passes or fails in the house. Lot of the comments were plain
ugly and frankly stupid. It’s like they never have taken a civics course in
their life. Jim’s been called a sellout, traitor, guilty of throwing Gays and
Trans under the bus and blah blah blah. Some in the Trans community were
especially vile but then they don’t’ like Gay men anyway I doubt whether anyone
of the bellyachers had even read the bill. It does spell out a large section
for protection for religious institutions to still discriminate but in reality
it doesn’t allow them anything more than they already have under state law and
federal law. The Supreme Court has already decided that a wholly owned company
like Hobby Lobby can discriminate as well as the organizations like Boy Scouts
in hiring. People are bitching about the Boy Scout language in the bill however
I feel it was put in to calm jittery Mormons since the LDS Church is one of the
largest sponsors of scouting. The Supreme Court ruled in the New Jersey case
that the Boy Scouts do not have to have Gays as Scout leaders so it’s nothing
anyone can do here in Utah about that until a new Supreme Court ruling. In this
SB 296 individuals cannot discriminate on the basis of personal deeply held
beliefs which LaVars bill HB322 which is still in committee would have allowed.
What astounds me is that this is the first time in the history of Utah that the
state legislature is willing to protect Gay and Trans people and some people
want no part of it. In 1976 the LDS church hunted gays like dogs. Drove my
lover to try to commit suicide. In the 1980s LDS church was excommunicating
Gays with AIDS and NO one would touch the word sexual orientation... We were
discriminated against as a health threat ... 1990s slowly Utah Democrats
supported anti hate laws and local anti-discrimination laws and Mormons left
the Democrats in droves. 1996 the state legislature held illegal close door
sessions to call Gays pedophiles and tried to stop Gay clubs in high school. In
the new century a Gay marriage ban was placed in the state constitution and not
until 2009 40 years after Stonewall did SLC have a meaningful anti-discrimination
bill.... Every general conference from 1973 forward has made an anti-gay
statement.... That in 2015 high ranking Mormon Apostles are willing to have an
anti-discrimination bill to protect Gays and Trans from being fired or kicked
out from their apartments is huge HUGE.... Can the LDS church still
discriminate? Sure and so can the Catholics and Baptists. There are more good
people in this state than bad (I am not a native) give them the chance to show
they can be good... They need time to overcome 50 years of indoctrination that
Gay people are evil and to be feared. I’d like to think that perhaps the LDS
support of this bill is the only way an “infallible institution” can ask for
forgiveness for its past sins against Gay people... Times are changing and as a
historian I say we should remember the past but not hang on to it. If people
only thought of this bill as a beginning not an end to future conversations
between polar opposites, I think they would have understood that this is a
historic moment. Contrary to what Charles Frost thinks, real progress only
comes in increments and holding a bill hostage until one gets everything one
wants like so many suggested on FB is simply petulant. I for one would rather have something than
nothing. I would rather have some protection for my people than none at all.
Politics is the art of the possible. Changing hearts takes time. It takes
perseverance. It takes patience. A forced change before people are ready is no
change at all. Then also I really feel that many of those who are attacking
this bill are more anti LDS than they are pro-Gay, like Bob Henline who use to
write for the Q and is straight and is one of the most outspoken critics of the
bill. I know for a fact that he despises
Jim Dabakis and rabidly hates the Mormon Church. I wrote him after he said we
should reject the bill and the bone being thrown to the Gay community. “You
know what Bob I have lived my life as a Gay man and a school teacher. I will
take whatever makes it better for Gay people. This is not the end of
conversation it’s the beginning. The fact that the state of Utah is considering
Gays and Trans as a protected class is a HUGE move. It’s not perfect by any
means but it’s a start. I know what it is like to live in fear...this bill
eliminates some of that fear ... better than 1987 when a legislator suggested
quarantining Gay men on Antelope Island...You know what? it may just be a bone
but to a starving dog a bone is a banquet. How we feel about the Mormon Church
being involved in politics doesn't change the reality that Gays need
protection...” I finally defriended him.
I still get pissed when straight people try to tell Gay people what is good for
them, allies or not they should be supporting us not making decisions for us.
The reality is that 80 percent of legislators in Utah are Mormon... They love
and support their church...they will never support something they feel hurts
their church or it is against... I have been actively involved politically and
socially in the Gay community for 4 decades... I've kept the history of this
community for 4 decades... I told everyone that this compromise is huge even if
it is not perfect...first time EVER sexual orientation and gender orientation
will be a protected class in housing and employment in Utah... Eventually it
will come for public accommodations. My friend Steve Brackenbury from
California wrote me this, “Ben, I want to thank you for your reasoned response
to SB296. At the beginning, I was hesitant to throw my support to it. I was
waiting to see what the wise voices of the gay community had to say because I
knew that I could trust them, even without knowing all of the whys. When you
and James Dabakis gave the green light, I knew that even, against my mistrust
of the LDS church, that we were in clear waters. Time, justice, and the weight
of history will undo whatever wrongs have come against those I love. I am so
proud of your words, as a radical activist that has the ability to see the
worth of compromise and the long picture. Speaking of which, I want to thank
you for you kind words of wisdom about Doug Schmidt, Dan White's defense
lawyer. He is one of the kindest, humblest folks I have met (and a loving dog
owner!) He revealed to me that he regrets having ever taken the Dan White case,
that it ruined his career. For a lawyer this is pretty powerful stuff. He said
that the day he left office that he never looked back, has never contacted
those he served with, that he was over it all. That is something. A compromise
after all. Here is to compromises and the life that we all deserve. Thank you
for your wisdom and perspective. You are a hero to me. Be well. Well yesterday
on March 11 about 10 o’clock at night HB 296 passed in the house and the
governor already promised to sign it. However SB297 also made it out of
committee and was passed by the house. Gayle Ruzicka hates HB 296 and loves
SB297. That tells you everything you need to know how bad HB297 is. Also HB322, LaVar Christensen’s horrible anti-Gay
Bill also passed the house but thank the gods of Kolob it never made it out of
the Senate before this year’s legislature session ended today. Well I will end
this letter where I began. I can go to sleep tonight knowing that I helped in
my own way changed Utah better for all the Gay kids and even the Tran kids that
will come after me when I am gone. The greatest thing I ever did in my life was
come out as a Gay man willing to live an authentic life so others could too.
Your friend for better or worse’ Ben
13 March 2015 Friday
To say that SB 296 was contentious in the Gay
community would be an understatement views ranged from that Jim was a new John
Lee carrying the white flag to lead Mormons to a modern day mountain meadow
massacre of Gay rights to the bill heralding in the second coming of Jesus... I
hope we can get over it ... Appreciate what the bill does if not the
process.... If people would have rather waited for a bill that had no LDS
influence you would be dead before that happens. The LDS church always
maintained the right to speak on what they call moral issues and since nearly
90 percent of the state legislators are also LDS priesthood holders.... I think
it's as miraculous as any seagull eating Mormon crickets that Gay people and
Trans folks have any legal protection in this state... Just last year Dallin
Oaks called us the adversary and this year Elder Tom Perry is shaking hands
with former radical Troy Williams... Politics is the art of compromise, getting
everything you want is called war...
14 March 2015 Saturday
Today is Daisy and Buddy's 9th birthday. Born
in Afton Wyoming as litter mates. Daddy was an out-law chicken killer and Mama
was a garden destroyer. They might be messes but they are my messes and we just
get along fine. They have finally caught up with me and we are all 63 years
old. Daisy got a new dolly and tomorrow getting Buddy a new doggy bed. Pictures
when they were pups and when I first brought Buddy home Daisy went nuts and
were inseparable.
15 March 2015 Sunday
My once a year corned beef and cabbage dinner I
fixed some carrots, new potatoes, green beans and 7 up biscuits to go with
it... Had Bill Poore and Chuck Whyte over for dinner and Bill brought flowers
and birthday treats for the pups... Sunday dinner with the folks
16 March 2015 Monday
Pups must have had a rough birthday weekend ...
All still sound asleep but not for long...at 7 coco comes barreling through the
doggie door and the hollering and whooping to beat the band will
begin...Teaching comparatives and superlatives... Is it wrong to say dumb
republicans legislators, dumber republican legislators and dumbest legislators
instead of more dumb republican legislators and most dumb Republican
Legislators? If you don't like Gay people just say so quit saying it's because
you're religious because you aren't. I know more about the families along
Blackwater River in Isle of Wight and Surry Counties of 17th Century then ever
thought I would...genealogy makes you look at history under a microscope...
Tons of looking through old old records that have survived 300 years. Finally
located when Grandpa John Williams came to America. He left The port of Bristol
3 November 1666 just 2 months after the Great Fire of London reduced the city
to ashes and a year after the plague wiped out 100,000 people in London alone!
He sold his labor to Captain William Butler for 4 years to pay for his
transportation to Virginia. He was only 21 years old and came with two friends
who also were indentured to Capt. Butler. After working on a tobacco plantation
for 4 years he was free from his contract and eventually accumulated 1500 acres
by transporting other people to America... He died in 1692 only about 46 years
worn out... The American Dream warts and all. Thanks Grandpa.
17 March 2015 Tuesday
Kids all wearing green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Kids will always be kids. New girl today as the 3rd term ends... Makes me
wonder what is wrong with parents who yank them out of their school and then
put them into a total unfamiliar environment ... She will be tested with my
kids and will reflect on us as a failing school... Poor thing reads on a 3rd
grade level and came here from the Marshall a islands
·
Dear
Kyle, I got your letter from the 10th yesterday on the 16th. I hope your cold
is better. I imagine in a confine space anytime of bug can spread pretty
quickly. Fortunately I haven’t had any
major colds or sicknesses this year although I had cellulitis on my leg that I
am taking anti-biotic for. The pups are fine. Buddy and Daisy turned 9 years
old on the 14th and now are the same age as I am. Buddy has a bump on his back
hind quarters that doesn’t seem to hurt him at all. Schnauzers are prone to
growths and bumps but this one is the size of a walnut. If it gets worse or
seems to hurt him I will have it looked at.
Bought them treats and a new dolly for Daisy. Sunday I had Chuck Whyte
and Bill Poore over for Sunday dinner and fixed Corned Beef and Cabbage. Today
is actually St. Patrick’s Day and the kids are all hyper at school. St. Patrick
Day use to be a big deal in elementary school with making shamrocks, and
leprechaun art projects. But not anymore. All the fun has been sucked out of
school along with their childhoods as we test test test thanks to a Republican
anti-public school education legislators running the show. Data Data Data…that
is all they care about…imagination, music, creativity, arts, sports out the
window. If it can’t be tested and measured we don’t do it anymore. The weather
has been extremely warm for March. It’s been in the 70’s this week with
everything blossoming and popping up. My forsythia are all bloomed out buttery
colored and hyacinths are up. Tulips ready to pop. I am sorry to hear that your
friend Jess was moved. I know how much you enjoyed his company and sharing your
wisdom and experience with him. I imagine that is one of the hardest trials to
endure is becoming friends with someone and ten having them yanked away. May be
he didn’t want to go Draper because he was afraid of being sent to a county jail.
I hope things work out for him for your peace of mind. It sounds like your celly from Gunnison was a
doozy. That would be cruel and unusual punishment to have to listen to Glen
Beck or Rush Limburger day after day. I
hope you get a cellmate who if not perfect is not a redneck. But I imagine
there’s not a whole lot to choose from. I am glad you are getting a Q but it’s
an issue that I didn’t write an article for…I was kind of burned out last
February. Let me know if they keep
screwing up on the TV guide. I did renew your Time Magazine. How is school
coming along for you? I hope you can find some motivation to get back at it.
But I know how hard Home Study Classes can be. Things have seemed to settle
down here now that SB 296 was signed into law. Gov. Herbert gave the original
copy of the signed bill to Jim Dabakis and he gave it to Dr. Kristen Ries to
honor her. Only time will tell how this plays out. Today the Mormon Church said
that members who support gay marriage “are not in danger of losing their temple
privileges or church memberships — even though the Utah-based faith opposes the
practice.” Elder Todd Christofferson who’s brother is Gay and who pushed for SB
296 along with Elder Tom Perry. The Church said Mormons would only get in
trouble is they "supporting organizations that promote opposition or
positions in opposition to the church's." which I guess means most Gay
Organizations LOL. But compared to where they were when I was your age …they
are light years ahead of that. I guess Charles Frost is going to include a
piece I wrote last year for his creative wring class in theatric production
called Intersections which is a project of Gays writing about the stories. He
wanted mind because it was all about cruising. Not a whole lot more to say.
Been using the hot tub a lot lately. It helps with the cellulitis on my leg but
with this warmer weather I guess I have to start doing some yard work and get
off the computer so much. I am meeting with my financial advisor next week to
start going through the real process of retirement. It’s been a theory up to
now but now it’s becoming a reality. And
I am glad. Even if I work somewhere else I am done with teacher after 28
years. The first kids I taught are even
older than you. LOL Jackie Biskupski
thinks Becker is vulnerable and she has the backing of some high profile
A-listers but I have never been a fan of hers.
Nothing really against her. Just not a fan. Some want her so she can
become the first Gay Mayor of SLC but I have no issues with Becker and I think
he’s been good to Gays especially supporting Gay marriage. I think Jim Dabakis
is backing her but I can’t support him on this one. I guess the state prison
relocation committee made a sweet deal to entice SLC to accept the prison by
letting the city raise its city sales tax. Biskupski and Dabakis are trying to
infer that Becker was given a sweetheart deal to accept the jail in SLC. I guess we will have to see how this all
plays out too. I have to get some more
ink cartridges for the printer … so it may be a little bit before I write
again. It’s just a matter of getting my butt out of the house to go buy some more. Well I will close for
now. I just wanted to let you know I got your letter and am sorry about losing
your friend. Spring break is March 30 to
April 3 so don’t be surprised to see me the weekend before or after. Take care of yourself. I love you. Your
friend for better or worse. Ben
18 March 2015
Wednesday
I need a weekend or a drink... I am wearing
down... Thank providence I have a hot tub I can soak these weary bones in...
But it's spring time in the Rockies and every blooming thing is blooming
19 March 2015 Thursday
Was supposed to meet my new principal after
school.. So I popped in and said you don't have to get to know me because I'm
out of here next year... And then I went home and planted 10 strawberry
starts... The Common Core is like one big tree and we are teaching birds, squirrels,
and fish and yet we expect everyone to be in the tree by the end of the year...
The birds take to the tree naturally, the squirrels run up and then they run
down and then up and then down... The fish just stare at the tree... We only
value those in the tree instead of seeing value in the fish...one size fits
all...I am done since I am judged by how many fish I don't have in the tree ...
Use to be a time I could get them to see the value of being a bird, squirrel,
or fish... No matter how high I throw the fish...they won't stay in the tree...
The squirrels think I'm nuts and the birds sing to each other unaware of the
squirrels and fish below...
20 March 2015 Friday
I truly love this quirky and remarkable city
from the Avenues to Sugar House to Central City and to Rose Park... No where
else would I want to live but here with progressives living sometimes like West
Berliners surrounded by East Germany lol...opera ballet theater the university
international airport, city creek canyon red butte canyon, Gilgal gardens,
Greek Town, Summer Concerts and three gems Sugar House Park, Liberty Park, and
Jordan Park... I am lucky to wake up every day and see the towering, majestic
Wasatch Mountains ...It’s the first day of Spring and the last day of the 3rd
Term. It’s all downhill now. Jeny got a new student today… a boy who doesn’t
speak any English only Spanish like Diego did at the beginning of the year.
After seeing him participating in the I Can Do rehearsal for the first time I
knew he would be a good kid so I talked to Jeny and asked her to transfer him
into my class because Diego could help him. We talked to Diego first and he was
happy to have Jorge in the class. So now I am up to 23 students.
I love Sears but I hate Citibank. I tried to
pay off my account with Sears from buying a washer and dryer last January. It
two hours just to pay a bill, First Citibank wouldn't let me make a payment on
line without going through my checking account. So I went down to Sears to pay
off my account and they said they can't take a debit card to pay off a bill
only cash or a check. I don't carry checks so I had to drive over to the credit
union and pull out a $1000...take back to Sears and try to find someone to help...when
I did they said they can't pull up a balance but can only take a payment...so I
had to call Citibank and get my frigging balance before I could pay. I left
work at 3 pm and didn't get home until 5 pm from all the running around. I will
never put anything on credit again at Sears or anywhere else that let's
Citibank handle their finances... I hate banks anyway...Thanks FB for letting
me vent.
21 March 2015
Saturday
First full day of spring and warm. Got the leaves in the front yard cleaned up by
using
the leaf blower and then cleaned the gutter in
front of the house in the street. Swept it
up. I
need to trim down the Russian Sage out by the curb. Kids throw so much crap
there. I went looking for an electric hedge trimmer at Sutherlands but were
more than I wanted to spend but I bought a bunch of pansies and planted them in
the planters on the deck planter. I worked in the back yard too and blew off
all the droppings from my silver poplar that was all over the deck. I cleaned
up all the old leaves from the third driveway too. The front side yard is going
to be a project. I am going to have to dig a lot of things up and replant to
accommodate the planter boxes I built last year for the front side yard... Kyle
Daniels said he really wanted to come over so I said sure even though I was
really tired. So I got cleaned up and straighten the house and waited for him
to come over at 8 pm but he never showed. I stayed up to ten watching the new
episodes of Community that is streaming on Yahoo Video. I was miffed that he
hadn’t called to cancel if he wasn’t coming over not that he didn’t’ come over.
I had a bit of a cold sore that I got from somewhere. I don’t have a cold but I
do have a bit of allergies. My deck is nice and pretty.
22 March 2015 Sunday
It must be spring because Ive got allergies
which is strange because I usually don’t but everything in the world popped
this last week. I left the house this morning about 10 am to go to Lowe’s and
check out hedge trimmers. I bought a small that will do the trick but I have to
plug it in for 16 hours to charge it up. Then I went to Best Buys and bought a
ink cartridge for the printer. $40 right there. Then went and did a little
grocery shopping. Bought some chicken thighs for the dogs and a few things for
the week. I made two meat loafs this
morning. Cooked one and froze the others. I kind of invited Bill Poore to late
so he never responded back for dinner. I called Kyle back finally after he had
called three times. He said he had wrote me a text but forgot to send it to me
last night that he wasn’t coming over. Uh huh…
So I sent Kyle Foote 80 dollars…he said he was getting low on funds and
needed to pay rent on his TV. Didn’t get
any yard work done today but I mostly was cooking. Kevin Scott and Jose came
over this evening to hot tub. Poor Daisy’s hind quarters was sore today and had
a hard time getting up. She lays in one position for so long that I think her
legs go asleep.
23 March 2015 Monday
Oh the joy of getting older with each new day
comes a new ache you didn't have before... Went to bed feeling fine woke up in
the middle of the night with a sore back muscle...well I can still maintain a
vertical position... And for that I am grateful...I think it's funny how some
people think because Jackie "threw her hat into the ring first" that
anyone else should step aside...by that logic Ted Cruz should be the Republican
nominee... Anyone with gumption can run for any office at any time... Some I
think are more concerned about which Gay candidate to support rather than who
is best for the city... Ralph Becker stood with the Gay Community over Marriage
Equality ... I hope being Gay is not the qualifier here... Ralph Becker
performed Jim's marriage ... Jackie was the first Lesbian elected to the state
legislature... Jim negotiated the first protection law for Gays in the state...
All are good people ... All want to serve SLC ... Let the candidates spell out
their vision for SLC .... As for the state prison until 60 years ago it has
always been in SLC... And it was not Becker who did the wetland swap for soccer
fields...but has anyone been over to see them? They are amazing and what a way
to provide activities for young people...what I want to know is why the west
side of SLC is so neglected? I want a mayor committed to developing the west
and not just catering to the east side.
24 March 2015 Tuesday
25 March 2015 Wednesday
26 March 2015 Thursday
I hate Citibank ... After making me do a lot of
running around to simply pay off my Sears bill and after calling to get my
payoff... They sent me a notice saying I still owe $24 !!! So now I have to
fight them over $24 ... I really hate that bank... They nickel and dime you to
death. My financial advisor Tyler Ferguson came by after school and let out and
we went over all the formed but I forgot the form from the URS to tell me
approximately home much I will be getting so he’s coming back tomorrow at 2 and
we will finish up
27 March 2015 Friday
Stayed until 3:00 because of my meeting with my
financial advisor as I fill out my retirement forms with the state and the
district. He said that it looks like I will be getting about $1500 from Social
Security and about $2300 from my pension per month and that I have $100,000 in
my IRA that I can draw from for emergencies.... This shit just got real. Fixed
income here I come... Oh God I know will have to do what I hate most ....
Budget. So before I can mail it off I
have to notarize a few papers, tape a check to a form, then I will be ready to
send my retirement form into the state. After I turn 64 and this June I will
apply for social security. It’s almost a $1000 less a month by not waiting
until I am 70 but I plan on being dead around 70 so rather have the money now.
With a state pension, and social security and money in an IRA I should be okay
until I croak. The pups will be able to live in the style they have grown
accustomed too until our little dance upon the earth is over.
28 March 2015 Saturday
spent Saturday trimming and cleaning up the
curb on my corner... Filled a trash can... My hand cramped from all the weeds
and grass pulled...... Well worked about 3 hours clipping, and a chopping and a
pulling and a raking...time to get back in to the dirt...even washed my filthy
car...such a beautiful May day 70 degrees... wait its March still... uh oh it’s
going to be a long hot summer. Anyway time to take some Aleve and hit the hot
tub. Michael came over to clean and air
out his trailer this afternoon too. Such a beautiful day.
29 March 2015 Sunday
Beautiful day for a road trip down to Gunnison.
Bill Poore wanted to go down with me, I think to get out of town and to visit the cemetery there. Gunnison area is
where his mother’s people had settled. It’s a pretty valley. I think he likes
to ogle the bad boys who weren’t in church but were out buying beer on Sunday.
We came down today because yesterday was the main day for the color festival at
the Hindi Temple in Spanish Fork and they had expected 40,000 people going to
it. It’s also today but there wasn’t asl many out on the road. I got in to see
Kyle about 12:30 and the 2 hours went fast. I let him talk about Jess because I
know he misses him, and I guess his new cellmate is a 22 year gang member that
2 days out of three he has to stay in his cell. Kyle still isn’t getting his TV
guide so I will have to see about that. He wanted to know about the politics of
Jim Dabakis thinking about running for Mayor and other things like the Indiana
Religion Freedom bill which gives people the right to discriminate. He said
he’s call me about 5 or 530 on my birthday. He said he loves me for all that I
do for him and that he will pass in on to others. I can only hope. He said he
got the $80 I sent. The time quickly went by and I left him about 2:30 and Bill
was waiting. On the way home we drove around Levan a little to look at the old
pioneer buildings that are falling down. I did all I could to restrain Bill
from jumping out of the car and buying a shanty there to live out his days.
He's such a small town boy. If this was Green Acres I am Eva Gabor... I love
being a city dweller... Worry about central Utah...looks bone dry with no snow
pack...even the creek at Levan was dry and should have some spring runoff...Mona
Lake is shrinking too... It felt like late May or early June...and we missed
any traffic from the Color Festival at the Hindi Temple in Spanish Fork...I
haven't been there since my Faerie days 20 years ago..
30 March 2015 Monday
Should be the first day of spring break but the
district made it our teachers prep day... So if you don't go in you lose a day
of pay... It's the day we get at the end of the term to prepare grades... The
new term and my last will begin the day after Easter. So going in to
day...finalizing grades and making lessons plans for when school starts up
again... Cleaning the room moving desks around...that sort of thing... I also
need to go to my credit union to notarize my retirement papers. So yard work
can wait until Tuesday
Worked a while at school then had my retirement
forms for the state notarized, birth certificate copied and now to drop it in
the mail tomorrow and I will officially be on my way to retirement... Next stop
after I turn 64 in April is Social Security... My neck and shoulder really
ached today like carrying too much stress there...even hot tubbing didn't help
... May have to go get a massage to pound the crap out of me...
31 March 2015 Tuesday
I kept thinking about Grandma Williams today
since it was her birthday. I miss her. Two phone calls I had to make done... I
called Walt Larabee to see if anyone had contacted him about voting for the
Kristen Ries nominations from the Pride Center. Of course not. Tomorrow is the
last day to vote so I am glad I contacted him. He doesn't have a computer. So
he said he will walk over to the center and vote...I hope someone there is
competent to help him. The next was the dreaded phone call to Citibank.
I really hate Citibank... went in on March 20
to pay off my balance at Sears. Citibank is their bank now. They wouldn't take
a debit card only cash or check. So I went to my Credit Union and pulled out
money and then Sears said they couldn't pull up my balance that I had to call Citibank
to get my balance... after I finally got to speak to a live person they told me
what my balance was to pay off my account. And I do. So Monday I get a
statement saying that I owed $20 more... Spent much of this morning trying to
find a person I could talk to find out why I was being charged more after
paying off what they quoted me... Finally someone said I would get the
"interest" credited back to me so I'd have a balance. I asked them to
send me an email stating so... Grrr... I do.
Worked on genealogy almost all morning until I
went to pick Chuck Whyte up to take him to lunch at Chuck A Rama. I am getting
tired of that place but its filling and Chuck liked it. Today was Chinese Food
and it was pretty bad I must say. Afterwards I took him to All a Dollar because
he wanted some cookie treats and I needed to pick up some cleaning supplies.
Then in late afternoon Don't let Christian Dominionists turn this country into
a Christian dictatorship who want to overthrow the Constitution and establish
fascist Christianity as the government... They are behind all these so called
Religion Freedom Bills ... they are insane people who think the United States
must be ruled by Christians for Jesus to return... Huckabee, Bachmann all
Dominionists... The Republican Party is packed by them. Why would Jesus want to
come again if the world is ruled by these assholes?
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