Fall 4th Quarter Journal 1987 October -December

 

OCTOBER 1987

1 October 1987 Thursday

Fran called me today and said that she was going to come up on Tuesday next week and just to see her then. There was an earthquake in Southern California today. Seven people died. 6.4 I think.  Troy Nichols comes running over to me at my work cubical  and said, “Call your folks. There was an earthquake in California.” I asked, “What was the size of the quake?” He said, “Six something” and I said if it was an 8 or more I would call.  Otherwise its nothing.” At the Gay Community Council tonight we had one of the largest turn outs yet. About 25 people attended. We agreed to have an organizational meeting on the 17th of October. Greg Garcia announced that the Wasatch Leather Men have moved into their new clubhouse which was once a polygamist compound behind Hale's Bakery on 13th South and 9th West. Ben Barr reported that the AIDS Project Utah was operating out of the Carriage House now at 457 East 300 South SLC. Beauchaine, who lost the Gingerbread House due to zoning restrictions said he took over the Old Plantation Restaurant located at 249 West 400 South and renamed it The Aardvark. He is promoting it as a westside "La Cage" experience" and offered us a meeting space there on the 17^th.   There was a lot of talk about the March On Washington. I really want to go. There’s no way that I can but I really want to go. I paid $100 to Brett Spriggs today for my 2nd payment on the car I bought off of him..

Additional Material—

Carol Lynn Pearson author of Goodbye , I Love You spoke at te Salt Lake Community College  in the Technology Building Auditorium  Room 201 at 1:30

·         The news reported that the Salt Lake City-County Health Department Director wanted a law  that would let emergency medical technicians, paramedics, and law enforcers be informed of the HIV status of people they assist. In the national news ACT-UP activists disrupted Pat Robertson's announcement of his candidacy for the Republican nomination for President

·         The US Senate voted 75-23 to allow the former hospital at Presidio Army base to be used for a regional AIDS treatment facility in order to meet the projected needs of San Francisco. President Reagan said if the bill was passed by the House of Representatives, he would veto it.

2 October 1987 Friday

After a fitful sleep I woke up with the determination and conviction to go to Washington DC. I don’t know how I’m going to go but I’m going. At work I went in and talked to Bob Elcock my boss about scheduling time off. I have vacation time coming so that’s not a problem. I said I wanted from the 7th to the 19th off and he said okay. Not much he could say. Once I was committed to go I was so excited! I went to Jon Butler’s cubical and told him I was going to Washington and he was excited for me and he said that he was going also! With Tony Feliz! Ugh. During lunch I started calling around to find the cheapest way to get there. It was $160 round trip by bus but it would take 3 ½ days. Amtrack said they could get me there in 2 ½ days for $238 round trip. I then called Spartacus Travel where I found the cheapest I could fly would be $290 round trip. I’m going to take the weekend to think it over but I’ll probably go by train. In the evening, I went out dancing with John Reeves at the SUN. We wanted to go out because this is Conference Weekend and we wanted to check out the Return Missionaries. I didn’t spend any money because if I’m going to Washington I better save every bit of money I can.

3 October 1987 Saturday

I talked to my apartment manager Bob Brown and he said that he squared it with Mrs. Bradshaw about paying my rent late. That will help a lot. I figure after buying my ticket I’ll have $100 in cash for the trip. I called a bunch of people to see where I can stay while back there. Bruce Barton offered their motel in Arlington. He was excited that I was going. In the evening John Reeves and I went out to the SUN again. It really wasn’t all that crowded. Not like last year during Conference weekend.

Additional Material In the news  he Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapist are holding held a two day conference at the University of Utah. Carolyn Pearson author of Goodbye I love You and David Sharpton, a 26 year old LDS native of Dallas, Texas were asked to speak at the conference. David Sharpton was a person with AIDS and involved in 60-80 hours per week in AIDS education in Dallas. Sharpton hoped to work as a bridge between Gays, PWA's and the LDS Church.

4 October 1987 Sunday

Went to see Mark Lamar today and to go driving around. I bought a pair of powder blue Levis at Nordstroms on Mark’s credit card. I wrote him a postdated check. It was such a beautiful day so we went for a drive up to Ogden to the Blue Horizon bar. I had to be back to tape Concerning Gays and Lesbians at 7. We talked mostly about the March on Washington. After taping the show, I went up to Wasatch Affirmation. I wanted to see Billy Bikowski . It was a pot luck and I was telling people I was going on the March. I saw Walt Larabee. He was leaving for California next week so we said Goodbye. My main focus however was on Billy and the guys he’s with. I was so melancholy. I just went outside and sat on the lawn in front of the church. Danny Brujillo and Kevin Clark came up to me and asked if I was okay. I was weepy but said that I was okay. “Just a momentary lap of sanity.”  After most people left Affirmation, Billy came out with the others then came over to sit with me. I said I was missing him. He said he was mad at me for things he heard that I said about him. Like calling him a “space cadet”. I said “you hear lots of gossip in the Gay community and you have to choose what you want to believe and what not to believe. We left each other with his having to meet some kids. How am I ever going to get over him

5 October 1987 Monday

I called Amtrak about 8:30 this morning and I’m lucky I did because I caught the last connection from Chicago to Washington. Everybody and their dogs must be going to the March. I was so excited. Spent much of the day training someone at work to take over for me and packing for the  trip . I went up to Lesbian and Gay Student Union  tonight and Brooke Hallock was doing a presentation on Eleanor Roosevelt. However, Chris Brown was so sick with the flu that I took him home and bought him some Pepto Bismo and stuff. He was really looking bad. I was glad to take care of him and just hope now I don’t get sick. Chris is going on the March so I hope he’s well by the time he leaves Thursday.

6 October 1987 Tuesday

I am just going crazy with last minute details. I went to the bank to withdraw money and then picked up my train tickets and then about 10 a.m. I get a call from Mark Lamar who is frantic. He says he wants to go to Washington DC with me so I wait for him to come over. He says he has his father’s Visa Card number and is going to charge the trip to his father’s account and pay him back later. So, while I’m at work Mark spends four hours trying to make connections to Washington. Finally, we have it arranged that if I reroute through New York City we can travel the entire way together. I was really excited that someone was going with me and I don’t have to travel all alone. However, Mark only has $15 to his name. I had $120 so I gave him half of the money. It means I’ll have to be a little more frugal and thrifty than I wanted to be but what the hell. I’m going to Washington and God will provide. Mark and I both bought U of U and BYU sweatshirts at Nordstroms to wear back east. Anyway, at my Salt Lake  Affirmation chapter meeting I made arrangements for Ken Francis to lead next week’s meeting and tonight Greg Garcia talked about the Wasatch Leather Men Club, Falcon Flight and leather in general. It was a good meeting and except for when I thought Brook Hallock was going to  get in a big debate, it went rather well. Greg said that some Tongans attacked a group of Leather Men last Sunday in broad daylight in front of the In-Between. Well after the meeting, Mark and I came home where he spent the night so we could be ready for tomorrow. Who can Sleep? The Adventure is about to begin.

7 October 1987 Wednesday

The alarm clock clicked on at 5 in the morning about 3 hours too early for this boy but with so much to do to leave for the train station , I had to pull myself out of bed. I called out to Mark Lamar that it was time to get up.. We politely argued who should use the bathroom first so that the other could  have a few more precious hours of sleep. Never one of us had a restful sleep  as we were way to excited and a bit anxious. Nevertheless the mad dash was on to take the last good shower for at least 3 days and to make sure nothing is  forgotten in our haste.  Mark and I both agreed to travel light so we each only brought 2 travel bags to carry onto the train. Each of our bags  contained food for the trip as well as changes of clothing because we have such limited finances. In fact, eating at McDonalds will be considered haute cuisine on this trip. But we don’t care. We are going to Washington D.C even if we have to lie, cheat, steal or have sex. At 6 a.m. I had one last look around the apartment, hoping nothing  was left behind. As I am writing in this journal I have just thought of something. I almost forgot the itinerary schedule of workshops in Washington which Rev. Bruce Barton  had xeroxed for me yesterday. Bruce and Bruce Harmon  are scheduled to meet Mark and me Friday evening  as we arrived in D.C. We walked down Third South and made it  to the Amtrak Depot  at the Rio Grande Railroad Station  where I had to have my ticket change and rerouted through New York City  so Mark and I can travel together for the whole journey east. While in the station we are secretly looking over everyone to see who  might be Gay. So far we see no one but old ladies who are afraid to fly and same families. However the California Zephyr is coming from San Francisco and it hadn’t arrived yet  as I am here sitting  and writing this at 7:30 The train was supposed to have departed  at 6;48. Finally while boarding the train we are greeted by a black porter who asked where we are going  and we say Chicago as that is where we will have to change trains. He then said to us we couldn’t get  get on his car, so we walked to the next car where a stoic black woman porter says  there are only “singles”  in her car which we assumed meant we wouldn’t be sitting together. With no one to direct us we are on our own and stumbling through the darken coach with all our baggage we go up and down the aisle trying to find a seat. People are asleep, curled up using two seats, so selecting a seat without bothering people is difficult. However, I can be a bitch in the morning and do not mind causing a scene. Mark says to me “This trip is going to test our friendship.” I thought “truly”.  Instead of finding a seat we made our way to the  lounge car on the upper deck which has seats facing huge  3 feet by 4 feet panoramic windows. We are riding on top of the seating coach and the view will be magnificent  once the sun comes up. We cannot sleep. But at least we are on the train and the adventure has begun. By 9:30 we are traveling through Spanish Fork Canyon and the scenery is spectacular  with the scrub oaks ablaze in crimson reds and the aspens  a golden yellow. Finally, we were I was able to find seats together in the rear of the train while Mark stayed in the lounge car. To get there I had to straddle down the aisle thorough the rocking motion of the clickety clacking, through the dining car, another coach, the sleeper car, and another coach.  I sit  but sitting behind me is a woman telling another woman how Jesus speaks through her and then she leaned over the top of my seat to inform me , “This is a smoking section.” I just said, I don’t mind. Smoke away.” She retorted just “so you know”, and I say to her “If it don’t bother you it doesn’t bother me.” Then a haggard alcoholic looking fellow pipes up and hollers , “we’re having a  prayer Session . Hallelujah.” I just smile, then went back to the coveted seat in the lounge car and I say to Mark, “We are going to get religion on this trip. Hallelujah.” Mark has put his ear stud back in and we are both wearing our March on Washington Buttons hoping to meet others going to D.C. but so far we have been disappointed by the lack of Gays on the train. I am realizing now that the train is mostly filled with foreigners and airplane cowards.  The journey was uneventful until  of a delay outside of Price when a truck carrying a crane was hit by a freight train which delayed us for nearly 2 hours. The trip through Ruby Canyon was absolutely beautiful but I am getting tired. We left Grand Junction at 3:30 where Mark found a Gay kid from San Francisco to sit with. He also said while I was gone that he met an older Gay man from Ashville, North Carolina.  The man told Mark that white supremacists  groups are attacking openly Gay people because they claim Gays are spreading AIDS. He said that two Gay men had been tortured and murdered in Charlottesville.  It doesn’t seem like that  could happen in Salt Lake City. Nevertheless, the Idaho Aryan Nation is trying to  open up a headquarters in Ogden. It just goes to show that there are a lot of sick people out there. While traveling on the train, I am not trying to be openly Gay but I am not closeted either. However I am  aware of the disdain looks and posturing  of some “heterosexuals” on the train who can’t help but notice Mark’s flamboyancy. An older man sitting within ear shot of me said to his wife after picking up a paper from the seat “This is a Queer Paper, The San Francisco Chronicle.”  I suppose he thought he was being funny. I do not however. It feels unfamiliar to leave the protective enclave that shelters out Gay Salt Lake Community to travel out in the unwelcoming heterosexual world. Mark and I are truly “innocents abroad.” It’s 7:30  in the evening and we have been on the train now for 12 hours and tedium has set in. The Zephyr followed the Colorado River basically from Grand Junction to Denver  which has brought us through some magnificent canyons and mountains . Colorado is a beautiful state and it makes me think why the hell am I in Utah?  Nevertheless no matter how  beautiful the landscape  and majestic the mountains, after 12 hours  of the same scenery you get to thinking that America the Beautiful  really sucks. I now realize it’s best to see America  from 30,000 feet up in the air. You become so conscious of the incessant chattering, lamenting the death of children, alcoholic relationships and a few snide remarks  about Gays being on board.  This journey with Mark has made me understand ever so slightly the dynamics  of what it must be like to be in the public eye with a “companion” in the straight world. I truly am amazed at the strength of Gay people who have formed a relationship, as a couple, in the face of basically a hostile world.  Perhaps it’s not necessarily just an inward strength but rather it’s a fundamental drive to bond with another human being even in the face of a despising society. I can understand why some poor Gay souls are afraid to go into a relationship because of  society’s reaction to it. A US Justice Department report declared the most frequent victims of hate crimes are Gays, Lesbians, and bisexuals. An article in the San Francisco Chronicle I picked up reported that the Justice Department declared the most frequent victims of hate crimes were Gays and Lesbians. It was dark outside especially in the mountains for most of the way through Colorado and it was 11  before we reached Denver, 3 hours late. Anyway at the Denver station, some Gay men  boarded the train and naturally Mark made fast acquaintance with them They were all going to the March on Washington also. We all had a drink in the club car  until the  bar closed at midnight when then I said goodnight to “Stan, Everett, Les, and John.” Stan is associated with the Denver People With AIDS organization and Les is part of Denver’s steering committee  for the Colorado contingency.  Everett sure is cute and we flirted for a while. Perhaps a trans-continental romance?  Anyway it was pitch black out, my contacts were bothering me, and Mark and I had been up since 5 so I was exhausted and went back to my seat in the rear of the train to try to get some sleep. The Holy Rollers were all passed out, Hallelujah. Trying to sleep was a sporadic  activity at best with the jerking, jostling, jumping, and jolting swaying of the train. Mark and I contorted ourselves  into our seats the best we could but at various times we looked like pretzels.

8 October 1987 Thursday

Sleeping on a train is a tiresome experience, as a child whimpers, a man has a coughing spasm and here I am huddled up against Mark Lamar. As we silently  try to sleep we are hurling across eastern Colorado and western Nebraska as dawn breaks.  I’m a growly bear, while brushing my teeth and running a comb trough my hair. That is about all the personal grooming I can muster. Mark is still asleep by I met up with Les from Denver and we go up for coffee while his other companions eat breakfast in the dining car.  Gag. I don’t even want to smell food  right now.  Les tells me that the Gay community in Denver is very open and the city has 32 bars! They have $500 per plate fund raisers! I try to explain conditions in Salt Lake City. I said that everything we do is grassroots without any help from the state or from any wealthy donors.  We can hardly get people to pay $5 for a fundraising event. Truly Salt Lake is in the backwater of the Gay Rights movement.  However we are on the battle line with Salt Lake City being on the front line in the push for Gay awareness if not acceptance in Utah.  It was a long tedious almost another 12 hours journey across Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, into Illinois without the spectacular scenery of the west unless you enjoy endless cornfields. There’s just miles and miles of corn fields in various states across the vast panorama. We are getting so weary of traveling and we are also getting a bit gamey. Mark said that Ameda, the wonderful black coach attendant, told him that she was a Lesbian and said she wished us luck in Washington and will be with us in spirit. Robin, the woman reporter with whom I  talked for hours about being Gay told me that her cousin Bill was also Gay but he had died two years ago from AIDS. She said to hold  my poster high in DC and march for her. I readily said, “I will. For you and Bill.” You do get to meet interesting people on the train who pass the time in the lounge car with you.  Finally at 7 in the evening Mark and I arrive in Chicago, the final destination of the California Zephyr. We had to change trains in the Chicago station to go on into New York City so we had to say goodbye to our Denver Gay traveling companions who had a direct  connection to D.C. while we will be going to New York City first, and then down to DC. I suppose Mark is sad to see Everett  go with whom he had been enamored, however we did get the name of the hotel room that the Denver guys will be staying at in DC. They welcomed us to stay wit them Sunday night after the march when we don’t yet have a place to crash.  I will miss traveling with Kevin Kowtoski,  an extremely handsome , masculine cowboy that I met in the lounge car and flirted with. Ships that pass in the night.  We boarded the night train from Chicago to Buffalo, New York which was only a single decker due to the low bridges it passed beneath. Unlike the Zephyr’s upper deck, this train’s lounge was just above the tracks and you really felt the wheels going over the rails and the car seemed to sway a lot more.  At times it rolls and pitches like a ship on stormy waters.  Mark and I spent much of the rest of the night in the lounge car visiting with a mother and her grown daughter from Vancouver British Columbia. They were quite fun and delightful.  Mark told Holly, the daughter that he was Gay and going to the March on Washington. We have basically come out to everyone  that we have really gotten to know on this trip. We are so beyond travel weary and I had to take my contacts out and wear my glasses as my eyes were very sore from lack on any real sleep.  Its is impossible to truly sleep without taking drugs which I won’t. Mark, however, is taking medication and he is out like a light.  The service on this portion of the journey was awful. I stayed up half the night trying to get a pillow for Mark and me from an attendant. It became a point of contention for me so  finally after being obnoxious, I got our pillows.

8 October 1987 Thursday

Sleeping on a train is a tiresome experience, as a child whimpers, a man has a coughing spasm and here I am huddled up against Mark Lamar. As we silently  try to sleep we are hurling across eastern Colorado and western Nebraska as dawn breaks.  I’m a growly bear, while brushing my teeth and running a comb trough my hair. That is about all the personal grooming I can muster. Mark is still asleep by I met up with Les from Denver and we go up for coffee while his other companions eat breakfast in the dining car.  Gag. I don’t even want to smell food  right now. Les tells me that the Gay community in Denver is very open and the city has 32 bars! They have $500 per plate fund raisers! I try to explain conditions in Salt Lake City. I said that everything we do is grassroots without any help from the state or from any wealthy donors.  We can hardly get people to pay $5 for a fundraising event. Truly Salt Lake is in the backwater of the Gay Rights movement.  However we are on the battle line with Salt Lake City being on the front line in the push for Gay awareness if not acceptance in Utah. It was a long tedious almost another 12 hours journey across Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, into Illinois without the spectacular scenery of the west unless you enjoy endless cornfields. There’s just miles and miles of corn fields in various states across the vast panorama. We are getting so weary of traveling and we are also getting a bit gamey. Mark said that Ameda, the wonderful black coach attendant, told him that she was a Lesbian and said she wished us luck in Washington and will be with us in spirit. Robin, the woman reporter with whom I  talked for hours about being Gay told me that her cousin Bill was also Gay but he had died two years ago from AIDS. She said to hold  my poster high in DC and march for her. I readily said, “I will. For you and Bill.” You do get to meet interesting people on the train who pass the time in the lounge car with you.  Finally at 7 in the evening Mark and I arrive in Chicago, the final destination of the California Zephyr. We had to change trains in the Chicago station to go on into New York City so we had to say goodbye to our Denver Gay traveling companions who had a direct  connection to D.C. while we will be going to New York City first, and then down to DC. I suppose Mark is sad to see Everett  go with whom he had been enamored, however we did get the name of the hotel room that the Denver guys will be staying at in DC. They welcomed us to stay wit them Sunday night after the march when we don’t yet have a place to crash. I will miss traveling with Kevin Kowtoski,  an extremely handsome , masculine cowboy that I met in the lounge car and flirted with. Ships that pass in the night.  We boarded the night train from Chicago to Buffalo, New York which was only a single decker due to the low bridges it passed beneath. Unlike the Zephyr’s upper deck, this train’s lounge was just above the tracks and you really felt the wheels going over the rails and the car seemed to sway a lot more.  At times it rolls and pitches like a ship on stormy waters. Mark and I spent much of the rest of the night in the lounge car visiting with a mother and her grown daughter from Vancouver British Columbia. They were quite fun and delightful.  Mark told Holly, the daughter that he was Gay and going to the March on Washington. We have basically come out to everyone  that we have really gotten to know on this trip. We are so beyond travel weary and I had to take my contacts out and wear my glasses as my eyes were very sore from lack on any real sleep.  Its is impossible to truly sleep without taking drugs which I won’t. Mark, however, is taking medication and he is out like a light.  The service on this portion of the journey was awful. I stayed up half the night trying to get a pillow for Mark and me from an attendant. It became a point of contention for me so  finally after being obnoxious, I got our pillows

9  October 1987 Friday

During the night and early morning, I was wakened every time someone walked by me in the aisle. I let Mark have the window seat so he could rest against the train siding but I was in the aisle seat.  We arrived in Buffalo  at 5:30 in the morning  but it was way too dark to actually see anything and besides we are way past sight seeing . We just wanted to sleep until we reach New York City. Even the gorgeous woodland fall colors dotting this beautiful state is not enough  to revive us. We just want to get to Washington. However, there are some handsome guys on the train but we have not been able to connect with anyone like we did the Denver boys.  We passed through Albany at 11  which I thought was a strange looking city and then we traveled down the Hudson River Valley towards New York City. At one point this guy walks by Mark and says to him, “Are you going to Washington?” Mark replied, “Certainly “ with a big smile. The guy then said, “Right on!”. Well, I guess we know his persuasion. Mark tells anyone who he strikes up a conversation with about the rally. People always seemed to be amazed when they hear the figures of perhaps 300,000 being there bandied about. I know even for me it’s hard to comprehend. However almost everyone we really have talked with on this trip has been supportive and  glad we are making a statement. There is a real a palpable feeling of being on a mission regarding the March on Washington, from having met so many Gays from all parts of the United States, all flowing into DC for Sunday’s main event. I am sure it will be a milestone in the evolution of Gay Civil Rights in this country. I saw that Mel Baker, who was the cohost of Concerning Gays and Lesbians, had his name  printed on a national flyer regarding his involvement with the march’s committee. I think it’s a shame that he had so little support from the Salt Lake’s Gay community to get him back here when he’s doing so much for all of us.  I still find it’s hard to believe that by tonight I will be a part of it. I so want to be.  It’s 12:30 now and we are just about an hour out of New York City traveling along the Hudson River. It was interesting to see West Point on the cliffs above the river. Mark turned to me and said, “I’d like to go to West Point to visit.” I said, “I bet you would.” And not because Mark had been a Marine.  As I am writing this in my journal on this swaying and jarring train, Mark is three cars ahead of me talking to some kid who stopped him to ask if he was going to Washington. This has become almost a code word for asking if you are Gay. I am getting excited now about seeing New York City as I have never been there. I only wish I had more time to explore. As it is we must dash from Grand Central Station to Penn Station  to catch our express train to DC. We decided that once in New York we would walk  instead of taking the subway so we could see the city a little. It will be broad daylight by then, and we felt we would be safe enough even though people on the train delighted in telling us horror stories about people being  mugged and assaulted. At 1:50 in the afternoon we finally made it into New York City. What a trip! Mark and I helped our Canadian friends disembarked, and then raced around Grand Central Station,  frantically trying to find the shuttle  to Penn Station. The information booth guy was of no help as I could hardly understand him.. He said to go out to 42^nd Street in his abrasive New Yorkese. So, we lugged our baggage outside and immediately I was overwhelmed by the roars and bustle of the noise of New York City. I grew up in Southern California but this view of towering buildings really stunned me. I turned to Mark and said, “There’s no way I am going out there” while pointing to the New York jungle. So, we went back inside Grand Central where I asked a cop in my most imploring plea, “Please tell us how to get to Penn Station”  The New York Cop looked me dead in the eye and said, “Listen to what I’m telling ya” and then he proceeded to give us directions to the subway. I listened intently  as I knew I wouldn’t never get a second shot at it. But his directions were so blunt and direct that we had no trouble hustling our way, especially when this typical looking New Yorker says to us “Yous guys trying to get to Penn Station?” We frantically nodded in the affirmative and between  smacking his chewing gum, he led us in the general direction. His name was Eric and he said he once lived in Phoenix so he must have felt pity for ue westerners in the Big Apple.  Anyway, I now experienced my first subway ride. I was anxiously nervous  and excited at the same time. Every description of persons in the world, of every color, shape, and ethnicity  was crammed into the train car with us. Mark said to me, “Now act like you know  what you are doing. These people smell fear and will kill you.” Instead I smiled at everyone and I am sure they must have thought I was a lunatic and thought best to leave me be. I was expecting a graffiti covered subway car  but that wasn’t the case, like in the movies. Only coming into the city on the train from Buffalo did we see tenement slums that made you think that human beings couldn’t possibly live in them.  Anyway riding the subway, I say to Mark to goad him, “These people look so serious. Let’s show them how Westerners can be fun. Let’s have a sing a long.” Mark just glared at me as if looks could kill. Well, we got off the subway, safe and sound, in Penn State and caught the 3:25 express train to Washington DC for our last leg of the journey. We had no reserved seating and were herded onto the train like cattle. The train was packed and there wasn’t any seats available. Mark and I stood  along with 20 or more people, well into New Jersey. I heard people complaining over why is the train so crowded? I heard one person exclaim,  “I’ve never seen the train so crowded.” And “Is everyone here going to Washington?” I just smiled and looked at all the Gay and Lesbian people surrounding me in this train car alone almost shoulder to shoulder.  Anyway, finally, this really sweet woman traveling with her child  said that we could have her seats because she was getting off at the next stop. We quickly slid into her vacant prized seats and thought we were very fortunate, until I looked around and saw all these  women standing.  Call me old fashion , call me patriarchal, an anti-feminist, but I felt terribly guilty sitting whlle women were standing so I said so to Mark.  He said this is the East Coast and people are used to this. But my feelings of discomfort grew and grew so finally I said  to myself , “if I believe in the ERA  I have to believe that women should  be allowed to stand just like the men.” I almost bought this argument  until an elderly Jewish woman boarded  at a stop and I said to her, “would you like to sit down” and I gave up my seat. So, I stood again until near Philadelphia when another seat became vacant. Nevertheless as my luck would have it, an elderly black  lady  boarded the train, so I gave up my seat again. I ended standing almost the entire 4 hours  from New York City to Washinton DC, glaring at Mark who just sat looking out the window, smugly I might add. At last about 7:15, Hallelujah, our train pulled into Union Station in Washington DC. Now Mark and I after debarking were a bit anxious with meeting up with Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon who said they would met us at the station. We furtively went down the ramp leading down to the Union Station platform and there among the throng of strangers were at least 16 of my Gay Salt Lake City family. I was stunned as they all cheered and clapped for Mark and me, two ragged and weary sojourners . Bruce Barton was snapping pictures of us arriving in DC. It was just wonderful to me and the feeling was indescribable to me. Last Christmas when I flew home  to California none of my ”straight”  family was there ti greet  me at the airport. They couldn’t be bothered  to pick me up at LAX but my Gay  family was here in droves. It almost made me dry. It felt so wonderful to step into a strange city only to be greeted  by people who care about you.   Anyway John Bennett, the chair of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah became like the unofficial leader of our group and suggested we get some dinner as it being near 7:30 Washington time. Everyone in our little band was on a natural high being in DC, knowing why we are here. Mark and I stashed some of our bags in lockers in the station then we all ate at a Roy Rogers fast food joint.  After eating, some of our party split off to go out drinking. Those that remained, John Bennett, Joe Dewey,  Chris brown,  Cory, Steve O, the Bruces and Mark and me, took the Metro  Rail to D Street and First Street where we got off to walk a couple of blocks to the Skyline Hotel  where everyone was staying except for the Bruces who were in Arlington just outside of DC. The city was humid but not really cold about 50 degrees.  Singing and skipping, we just felt like for at least this weekend, DC was our town. Everywhere, I mean everywhere,  Gay and Lesbian people were converging  on the city. At  their room at the Skyline  Chris Brown, who is a member of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union on the U campus, said John Bennett, Joe Dewey, and he are members of a Utah delegation of the March on Washington Committee  and met with  Wayne Owens State Congressman.  I heard they also went to see John’s uncle Senator Bob Bennett. When John went into his office the secretary who knew John smiled until she realized why he was in Washington and said something like “oh no not you john.” Ha! From the Skyline hotel, where I was finally able to shower after 3 days, our little hearty bad  ventured out again to this Gay bar, a  couple of blocks away called I believe, The In and Out.” It was much nicer than any Gay club in Salt Lake City but no one but one couple was out on the dance floor. So, Mark and I  began to dance as we wanted to show these Washingtonians how we do it out west. Soon others poured onto the dance floor. Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon as well as I didn’t want to stay out late and be wasted for the whole weekend, so we left the bar around 10. Mark wanted to stay behind  and that was the first time he and I had been separated for 3 days. The Bruces were exhausted from sightseeing  at the Smithsonian  and walking all over the city so I was glad to be leaving with them. I hadn’t slept in a real bed in three days and wanted to desperately. So we left  and walked back down to the Metro Rail which is patterned similar to San Francsico’s BART. We took the subway to the National Airport and a taxi from there to Glebe Road in Arlington, Virginia where Bruce and Brice were staying at the Best Western there. Bruce Barton said they really got a deal because the reservation people screwed up their reservation and so to make it right they gave them a $95 a night room with two queen size beds  for $48. Bruce and Bruce are both two of the most caring, generous souls I know. It was about midnight when I finally was able to sleep in a bed again, thanks to the Bruces. It is so weird being in DC, like it must be a dream. It seemed so surreal to see the capitol of our nation lit up against a  dak sky ad see people here from Utah.

10 October 1987  Saturday

Mark Lamar took a taxi to the hotel in Arlington, after the party was over at the Lost and Found Gay bar. I let him in at 3 in the morning so as not to disturb  our sleeping hosts. Then about 8 Bruce Barton and I were up, got dressed  and attended a worship service of the MCC District Conference. Bruce was greeting and hugging people left and right who he knew in his church. I would say at last 100 people were at the opening worship service. The theme of the meeting was Gay Unity. The opening hymn was “When We All Get to Heaven” which was a rousing, hand clapping, tambourine clinging, gospel shouting jubilation medley.  I loved it and if I was not awake before I was afterwards. Many of the people who spoke at the service  were part of those people who trekked down from Philadelphia on foot, carrying  rainbow flags and Gay banners through the communities  in Pennsylvania and Maryland along the way. This Gay Christian fellowship service was exciting and very vibrant. I am glad I went with Bruce because the service was a good way to renew my spirit and to dedicate myself to the march on Sunday. After the service I bought a button that read “Gay Christian” from Marsha J Stevens the Lesbian who wrote “For Those Tears I died.”  That hymn meant a lot to me and it was  exciting to actually meet the woman who wrote it. Bruce said that she wrote that song  when she was a teenager and it was popular in the Jesus music movement until she came out as a Lesbian and joined the Metropolitan Community Church. Anyway, Bruce went off to have breakfast with his friends from the Conference  and I returned  back to the hotel room hoping to sleep  a little more as both Mark Lamar and Bruce Harmon were sleeping when I had left earlier. However, Bruce was up when I returned  so I just laid down to rest rather than go back to sleep because I figured I’ll sleep  when I return to Salt Lake City but right now there is too much to do. When Mark Lamar was up he met this bagpipe “blowing” friend on the balcony below us and I didn’t see him again until 11. All the Bruces along with Mark and I reconnected so we could all take the hotel shuttle to the Pentagon  Station to catch the Metro Rail  back into the city. Everywhere you looked, there were Gay and Lesbian people wearing various  buttons  proclaiming their Gayness and the March. There was a heightened  sense of solidarity, brother and sisterhood, of a mission of purpose the closer we got to the city.  While it all seemed  like a gigantic national Gay pride day event in some ways, it was much more than that. I was absolutely  right to be here, to be part of this historic occasion. On the shuttle bus we  met some guys who came up from South Florida and we visited along the way. No one, absolutely no one was copping an attitude. People were friendly, excited and even joyful. People were asking everyone “Where are you all from?’  It was fantastic. At the Pentagon stop, we took the Metro into the city and it was filled with Gays and straight people, who were probably wondering what the hell is going on with so many queers on the train.  Our new Florida friends said they tried driving into DC but there is absolutely no parking anywhere so they had to come back to Arlington to take public transportation back into Washington.  One of them said he saw this man and his wife sneering at my Gay Christian button and were muttering under their breath  about it.  The man was mad about it and his wife seemed afraid of us.  What makes them so mad? And what do they fear? We are a gentle loving people. Perhaps the sheer number of us here in DC  as we are not invisible today.  No one is hiding anything as Gay couples openly are holding  hands and everyone is proud and proclaiming their sexual orientation.  Our little Gay contingency got off  at the Smithsonian Station where  Mark found himself another “friend” to go off with. He left the three of us who wanted to view the sights.  However, after I went into the Smithsonian with the Bruces, I had an overwhelming  feeling that I shouldn’t be there. I didn’t travel this far to be a tourist. There are too many Gay events going on that I needed to attend instead rather than waste  energy on monuments to past events. I was here to participate in a living historical event, 350,000 Gays and Lesbians here in DC to tell the world we are never  going back again.   I think the Bruces kind of had the same feeling  so we drifted out of the Smithsonian  where outside, the energy on the streets was electric as that everywhere you looked there were thousands and thousands of Gay people. It was impressive and I’m sure straight people must feel rather over whelmed.  At 2 in the afternoon there was scheduled to be a mass Gay wedding  on Constitutional  Avenue and 10^th Street  in from of the IRS building. We weren’t sure we were going to attend until we saw a magnitude of humanity surging  in that direction and we then realized how important it was for us to witness  and support it. We were swept up with the throng and on the steps of the IRS building I saw  dozens of Neo-Nazi “Born Again Christians” waving large placards  proclaiming us all sinners.  And that we were all going straight to hell. According to these guys Jesus hates us. The news and camera men were having a field day  filming them.  Bruce Barton spotted Rev. Troy Perry, founder of the Metropolitan Community Church Fellowship, countering the nazis.  Bruce Barton and I went up and stood behind the nazis, displaying all our Gay buttons and such, as Bruce wanted to get a better photo of Rev. Troy Perry talking with reporters.  Most people totally ignored  the nazis and continued to flow down 10^th Avenue where a platform was set up with some sound equipment and a huge black, white and silver, helium ballon arch hung over the stage. Loud speakers played songs from La Cage Aux Folles, especially “We are what we are.” It was totally a festive carnival  in atmosphere with perhaps 10,000 people  gathered in the streets, hanging from trees, and standing on steps. Everywhere there were hundreds holding silver balloons. The couples who were getting married  were in the middle of the crowd of thousands. Many were wearing tuxedoes, wedding dresses, just beautiful people holding roses and celebrating their love. It all gave an aura of exhilarating excitement  and anticipation.  The autumn clear deep blue sky made it all the more beautiful for the celebration of over 3000 couple  getting married. The speakers on the stage talked about the purpose of the March on Washington which is to demand the legalization  of our relationships and to proclaim to the world that we don’t have to pattern our  marriages after the patriarchal  system where one partner dominates the other in an unequal  relationship  sanctioned by church and state. We are here to proclaim that Love is what makes a family. Rev Troy Pery spoke saying that those “fundamentalist fag bashers” should be ashamed of themselves and we should  tell them so. At that point thousands in the crowd turned around and shook their fingers at them chanting “Shame, Shame, Shame”. The roar of the multitude gathered was thundering. Other speakers stated that one way to legalize our relationships is to sign Power of Attorney over to each other so partners can make decisions rather than relatives, if we get sick. The battle to free Sharon Kowalski was mentioned as a case in point.  Anyway when the time arrived for the ceremony to begin, the spectators were asked to hold hands and form a circle around those getting married which everyone that I could see did. The ceremony  asked the couples to forgive each other of the past. A dramatic demonstration of this was that everyone was to take a deep breath  and then let out the past with the breath. Then all were asked to take one step forward into the future which we all, 10,000, physically did collectively. I was standing with John Bennett  and Bruce Barton’s contingency  watching the ceremony. It is easy to spot John Bennett as he towers over most people. Val Mansfield a member of last year’s LGSU  and does the posters for Gay Pride Day, was married to his two lovers from Kansas City. At the end of the ceremony hundreds of the silver balloons were released  into the blue sky and then unexpectedly, people from all sides began throwing rice. We were showered  by hundreds and hundreds of people tossing rice up in the air. It was thrilling. I wanted to keep some of the rice as a memento of this historic occasion  but then thought that was rather silly. However, the love that was poured forth from this place at 10^th and Constitution Avenue was awesome  and I will never forget it. Afterwards Bruce Harmon introduced me to Nancy Wilson and Jean Whyte, who are on the board of directors  of the Metropolitan Community Church Fellowship. Elder Whyte came all the way from Manchester England to be here for the MCC Conference and march.  Bruce Harmon gave her his March on Washington button because she didn’t have one. After the mass wedding, I left with John Bennett and Joe Dewey  to go with them to the Capitol Skyline Hotel on 10^th to retrieve my baggage that I had left in Chris Brown’s room. I told Bruce and Bruce that I would meet up with them at 4 out in front of the Lambda Rising Bookstore to go with them to hear Rev. Troy Perry speak at the Congregational Church. Well that was the plan but it didn’t work out that way. At the Capitol Skyline, the LGSU “kids”  I were with  were cranky and bitchy and tired.  I said to them, “Oh great. I can see it now. 350,000  tired, bitchy faggots marching  on Washington tomorrow. The “youngsters” crashed and I was pretty well left to myself to retrieve my luggage . It was nearly  4 before I even left the Capitol Skyline. Besides my own bags, John Bennett asked me to take Mark’s hat contained the bread  that Mark had bought for Bruce Barton while in New York City. I was just weighed down now  but I am glad I had walked all over Salt Lake City and worked out this summer or I’d been a hurting dog.  I walked a mile back to the Metro and took it to Dupont Circle. It was after 5  when I came up subterranean escalator from the bowels of the earth. Upon arrive above ground I felt I was truly  in an enchanted fairy land. Thousands upon thousand of Gay and Lesbian  folks were strolling  everywhere, holding hands with lavender flower tucked behind their ears. There were hunky guys sitting along concrete park benches with their shirts off. There were New York Lesbians sporting black berets, with long stringy hair, dark sunglasses and wearing black leather outfits all who were very slender as opposed to the short and plump Lesbians wearing matching tee-shirts. Older women  with short cropped silver-gray hair  were sweet and smiling at me  in my BYU sweat shirt while others Lesbians threw baleful looks in my direction.  Of the Gay men, most everyone  seemed to be with a traveling companion or in groups. Almost all were dressed in young preppy east coast style. There were lots of stone washed Levi jackets and flight jackets over Lacoste alligator polo shirts. While there was a small leather man present in the throng I really didn’t see any drag at all.  Everyone , I mean everyone, had on at least one march button and  most had on several, like me saying anything  from March on Washington for Lesbian ad Gay Rights  to a simple pink triangle on a black background.  Hundreds of people were working the crowd handing out flyers and leaflets by the thousands   regarding everything from AIDS Awareness to the Socialist Workers Party. The over all feeling of the place was one of love, support, commitment, pride and dedication to never going back into the closet. It all kind of reminded me of the hippie -love ins and happenings of the late 60’s except we  are so much better dressed.  I managed to find Lambda Rising by the size of the crowd out in front of the bookstore and also with the help of this cute man from Texas.  He said he didn’t even know anything was going on in DC  but was just visiting the city on his way to Boston. He was awestruck  because he said he and his lover were closeted. Anyway outside the bookstore there was line of hundreds trying to get in. I was so late getting there that I figured that I had missed the Bruces completely and they were probably at the Congregational church where they had to be at 6. However I waited around any way,  just in case  they were inside Lambda Rising along with the mob of people.  Dupont Circle, I am told, is kind of the Castro District of Washington DC. It’s very chic and filed with rows of little specialty  shops and boutiques up and down the street.  As I was waiting outside, a camera crew  started filming the crowd in front of the bookstore, asking people where were they from. When a reporter stuck a microphone in my face, I shouted “Salt Lake City” displaying my red Brigham Young Sweat Shirt  prominently. I don’t know if it made the local news or not but I think it probably did because its Utah. I soon left and while riding the descending escalator  down to the Metro Rail stop, I  passed Chris Brown  and Steve Oldroyd  going up.  I hollered Chris! And then raced down the escalator and then back up.  The escalator has to be at least 4 stories deep. Connecting back up with them, I said if you see Bruce barton tell him I am fine  and will find my way back to the hotel in Arlington.  Since I knew I was going to be saddled  with my luggage, I decided to go to Union Station and hopefully check my baggage in a locker there as my shoulder was so sore from the shoulder straps. However  the train station didn’t have any lockers but I could check in my luggage  for $1.00 per item per day  so that is what I did. During my travels about the city I spotted a family of Asians who were obviously tourist with their teenage son. He had on a  March on Washington tee-shirt along with a  huge Pink Triangle on it. I had to laugh because I am pretty sure they were oblivious and did not know what it said other than it was colorful souvenir. I actually was lost a few times on the Metro and was worried that I wouldn’t catch the last free shuttle bus back to Best Western in Arlington. I was able to catch a Metro that went to the National Airport where I waited an hour  until 9:30 to catch another to the Pentagon stop where the last shuttle bus would be.  I used a lot of this time  to write in this journal to try to keep it current.  I want this to be as fresh an account as possible and not just a collection of recollections from later.   So, I actually didn’t see as much or do as much this evening as I wanted but that’s the way it goes. I should not have left my things at the Capitol Skyline because it made me waste a lot of my time with simple logistics of getting from one place to another. Well live and learn. When you are spontaneous sometimes things go awry. At the Pentagon City stop I connected up with Bruce and Bruce again. They were happy and surprised to see me. I hope I didn’t cause them much worry with us not having hooked up at Lambda Rising.  Anyway they said Rev. Troy Perry was in fiery spirits and the rousing talk was absolutely wonderful at the First Congregational Church. They managed to be inside but the overflowed the church. Afterwards they attended a memorial service for Harvey Milk at the Congressional Cemetery.  I am sorry now I missed it. I haven’t heard Troy Perry  preach since November of 1971 when I went to the Los Angeles MCC with some Lesbian friends  from back then.  It was great to be back at the hotel, safe and sound. Who knows where Mark Lamar landed?  I really kind of wanted to stay in and rest but Brice Harmon insisted we go back into Washington for dinner and see if we could find an adult video store. While we were waiting in the lobby waiting for a taxi,  I overheard the desk clerk lady  tell this heterosexual couple that there wasn’t a vacancy. She said , in fact there wasn’t a single vacancy in the entire greater Washington DC area. She suggested that they might try further south, deeper into Virginia. What an impact we must be having economically this weekend. I’m glad I’ve been writing Gay$ on all my money. So we all piled into the taxi cab when it arrived and  the fare into the city was only $6.50. We had the cab driver drop us off at the “General Male” exotic Gay store  which was fun to look around at all the adult toys. I thought I was certainly not I Salt Lake anymore. The Bruces were picking out toys to bring back to Salt Lake so I thought I might as well be adventurous too and I picked out a rubber dildo which I had never used before. I nervously and kind of embarrassedly brought it to the clerk who was this large black queen. She  looked at it and then looked at me and then laughed saying “Honey ya’ll bought the training model” The Bruces snickered but I could have died of embarrassment and was glad when we hurried out of the shop. We all had bought something as a souvenir. Once outside, I looked around I realized we were in the ”hooker” district of DC and pimps and whores were everywhere. Being very naïve in some ways I kind of thought it as exciting.  One of the marquees on a building proclaimed, “Live Girls”  and Bruce Barton sardonically said  “do they really think anyone is interested in dead girls?” We then went up the street  to a McDonald  where we were the only white dudes there and were also the only “colorful” people in the place. It was a tough audience to play. Two black men who looked like stereotypical pimps stared at us like they were disgusted with us because we weren’t interested in their feminine merchandize. As we were eating out burgers and fries,  four young white  guys came in and were also watching us. When we left the followed, and while standing on a corner, waiting for the light to change, this one dude leans  right up to us and says, “Can you tell us where  we can see some naked girls?” Brue Barton retorted, “Use your imagination” while I cheerfully say, “yeah down the street there’s a theater  with live girls.” I was just trying to be friendly but Bruce looked at me like I lost my damn mind.  When they walked ahead of us and turned down an alley, Bruce annoyed said “Don’t you know they were queer baiting us?” I really didn’t. I just thought they  horney straight guys. Bruce Harmon wisely advise us not to continue down the street where they could jump us from the alley so we crossed the street and hailed a taxi cab. We weren’t robbed by the queer baiters but the driver might as well have put a gun to us. He charged us $16 for the same fare that was only $6 before. Bruce Barton asked if I tipped him when we got out and I said, “hell no, he included his tip in his fare.” Oh well. What can you do? We finally  were safely home and when we finally had time to relax, Bruce Barton told me a story about Elder White, the woman I met today at the mass wedding. She had been tortured by the Chinese for being a Christian  when the Communist took over China . She had been raped  and humiliated and yet her faith and testimony in God’s love was unshakable.  After hearing tales  like that, our own oppression  in Salt Lake City sometimes seem pretty petty. We all went to bed at midnight anxiously anticipating  tomorrow’s march on the capitol of the United States. I don’t know how many people  will be there. I don’t know what will happen. I only know that I am here and I am not alone.

11 Oct 1987  Sunday

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, feeling sick to my stomach. I prayed oh please don’t let me be sick today. I decided to get up rather than attempt  to sleep any more. I took a shower and cleaned up then decided to use this time to get caught up in my journal. I wrote until 6 when a wakeup call alerted the others it was time to get up.  I can’t remember when Mark Lamar came back to the hotel but one of the Bruce’s must have let him in. It was kind of hectic as not only were we getting ready for the march, we also  had to pack up and be out of the room as we wouldn’t be coming back. Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon have a flight out at 6:30 this evening at the National Airport. Yesterday I called Mel Baker and made arrangements for Mark and me to crash at his place so we won’t have to be out on the streets tonight. Anyway we were  at the hotel shuttle bus by 7 and  then we went to the airport where we dropped off all our luggage at lockers that were provided. I should have come to the airport to lock up my bags rather than to the Union Station but oh well. All we carried with us now was the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church’s banner and Bruce Barton’s back pack in which he had his camera. The Metro Rail system was being opened two hours early to accommodate those attending the march but since it was still early we went to the airport lounge to have a coffee stop. I had a  cup of coffee and a brownie which was all I had to eat until 8 at night. But I was running on pure adrenaline energy and excitant like everyone else.  We then left and took the Metro to the stop at the  Smithsonian exit which we reached at 8. We went from there to the Lincoln Memorial where the Metropolitan Community Church was having a huge outdoor worship service. We walked about a mile pass the reflection pool to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial where probably more than a thousand people had gathered. The morning air was cool and the grass damp with dew . We had worried that since it was overcast that it might rain on our parade. However the weather cleared and it was a wonderfully invigorating autumn day. It was not to hot nor not to cool all day.  Bruce Barton wanted to get a picture of the RMCC banner unfurled at the steps of the memorial but this ignorant acting park service cop wouldn’t let us. I said we just wanted a picture and he demanded, “Got a permit?” I asked, “To take a picture?” He just retorted, “Got a permit.” He was being a real asshole. So we never got a picture of the banner in front memorial.  

Me, Bob McIntier & Bruce Harmon

 Anyway near the steps of the Memorial we encountered Jon Butler and Tony Feliz again. I had seen them just briefly at the mass wedding yesterday. It seems a lot longer than a year ago that that I was involved with Restoration Church along with Jon. I wondered why he was still associating with Tony now that he had be removed as “prophet.”  Still it was neat to see  John and I just held onto him all through the MCC worship service.  Evidently MCC had their permits as at the top of the steps of the Lincoln Memorial all the difference  church congregations of the MCC Fellowship  displayed their banners so Bruce had his moment after all, just not solo.  It was a beautiful sight. I also encountered Bob McIntier, who is now the President of the Restoration Church  and I was surprised to see him here. I asked him if he would be marching with the Utah delegation and he asked whether Tony Feliz  would be. I answered that Tony said he was going to try and get  local Affirmation people to march with Utah. So, Bob said he would march with the MCC people instead. The MCC worship service was impressive as the MCC people who had died of AIDS were memorialized as well as MCC people who have been “martyred.”  When a congregation of the MCC was formed in New Orleans, they met in the Upstairs Lounge. In 1973 , an arsonist set that Gay bar on fire and Rev. Bill Larson and other members pf MCC were killed in the blaze. I loved singing “Amazing Grace” on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with at least a thousand other voices. However, when the church began to serve communion, the Bruces stayed while Jon, Tony, Mark, and I left to find our spot on the Ellipse where we were told to gather for the march.  The Ellipse  is in full view of the White House and the Washington Monument. I wonder if Ronald Reagan is looking out his window and thinking what the fuck!  I still can’t believe I am actually here for this event. The Ellipse was filled with hundreds of thousands of people, all congregating in marching order by regions. It was absolutely marvelous seeing the thousands and thousands of Gays and Lesbians assembled for this march.  Every state in the Union was represented this time, even Hawaii and Alaska and we were to march by regions.  California, Texas, and New York were given their own regions as there were tens of thousands from those states marching.  Utah was in the Rocky Mountain region however in reality both Utah and Nevada  were not even listed on the schedule for the Rocky Mountain regions. I don’t think planners thought anyone would show up but we did. Our little Utah contingency only had 19 people compared to California’s  delegation which I found out later was estimated to have been  at 50,000 alone. Colorado I was told had close to 1000 people alone and in there somewhere, I am sure are Les, Stan, John, and Everett our Denver  traveling companions. Following Colorado was Arizona  with about 100  people, then Utah. In 1979 Utah was not represented in that March on Washington as  no one from the state came but this time eight years later we are here even if just a few. You just wouldn’t believe the reactions we were getting  by people surprised that anyone from Utah was here. Mark and I both wore our U of U Sweat Shirts as I had packed away my BYU shirt which I only wore for effect. Most of the others in our group also all had sweat shirts emblazoned with the word Utah upon them. We had no pretty flags or even a banner  or anything except we were in our designated spot that showed that we were from Utah. However, people were stopping by just to take a photo of our Utah group. It was like no one could believe that anyone would dare show up from Utah. The impression is that Utah Gays are so oppressed and repressed  that it was a miracle that any of us were at the march. Perhaps so. Some encouraging soul saw  us and even  yelled “Utah! Small  but proud and brave!” Almost all of us were from Salt Lake organizations  like the Royal Court, LGSU, Affirmation, MCC, Unconditional Support as well as community activists. I know I may leave some one out  but these are the people I knew who were marching with the Utah contingency- Michael Aaron, John Bennett, chair of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah, Cory Benson, Chris Brown, president of LGSU at the U of U, John Bush, Joe Dewey, Mark Lamar, Guy Larson, Val Mansfield, Ragnar McCall, President of the LGSU of Salt Lake Community College, John Martin, David Nelson, Steve Nelson,  Steve Oldroyd, and Nancy Pace. Wes Jolley who doesn’t live in Utah anymore but was at one time President of the U of U’s Gay Student Union also marched with Utah. There could have been more but I can’t recall as I am writing this. Two guys I didn’t know, one who was on crutches, also joined us as well as two Lesbians who joined  while we were en route.  Others from our Utah Community, not marching with us, were with either Affirmation or MCC- Bruce Barton, John Butler, Tony Feliz, Bruce Harmon and Bob McIntier. Bruce and Bruce and Bob were with the MCC’s procession.  I assumed that Tony, who is not actually from Utah, and Jon marched with Affirmation if they did at all. Tony and Jon had left Mark and me to meet up with the Affirmation contingency who were at the Red Cross building  and that was the last we saw of them. They never returned to join us or bring Affirmation people over to march with Utah.  I think that was just Tony’s hare-brained scheme and it fizzled. Later I did learn that nearly 30 people marched under the Affirmation banner.  Behind us was New Mexico with perhaps another 100 people. What made them so impressive was that they had a flag drill team with their distinctive  yellow and red state flags. Everywhere you looked there were colorful banners, flags, pennants, political signs all gathered in the center of the ellipse like a mighty army. As we didn’t have anything like that we managed to pull together a Rainbow flag and I managed to get some posters from the National Anti-Violence Task Force which had Utah prominently displayed on them. So, from having nothing we  pulled together a respectable show to let people know who we were. I was so glad  that my circumstances  allowed me to be here  for this historic  occasion in the Civil Right struggles of Gay People.  We were all so excited, so hyped up. I just hoped no one had to pee.  In the center of the Ellipse was platform stage with huge speakers which allowed music to be heard and as well as enthusiastic rhetoric which permeated the air.  It was also there to entertain while we waited and waited. The kickoff for the march began at noon with the People With AIDS delegation out in front. Whoopie Goldberg led the AIDS contingency pushing a wheel chair containing a friend of hers who has AIDS. I found this out later  because we didn’t actually get to know what was going on in the front of the march as we were way in the middle.  It was 1 in the afternoon, and we still hadn’t moved from our spot as the march’s order was by geographical regions, starting with the Pacific states first. We could hear from the loud speakers  that by 1:30 that those at the beginning of the parade  had reached the Capitol.  I couldn’t believe that we hadn’t even moved yet and the beginning had already finished.  It was because of the sheer number of participants swelling the size of the march. Finally, around 2 we started to move out, sandwiched in between Arizona and New Mexico. As we began to file out along the march route, all you could see as far as the eye could see was a flowing movement of humanity, carrying banners, state flags, posters and the like. Marching Band music filled the air along the way, with shouts from the marchers  screaming, “Want Do We Want?” With the comeback, “Freedom!” “when Do we want it?” “Now!” Spectators  along the route were on building stoops and steps, hanging from trees and lamp posts and everywhere, cheering! As Utah marched by we would have our spirits lifted by kind souls yelling, Yay Utah!” and “glad you are here!” The Arizona marchers ahead of us started  chanting “ Recall Governor Mecham”. So as not to be out done, Michael Aaron led us in chanting “We’re sorry for Orrin Hatch!”  People laughed along the way with some saying, “We forgive you”, “It’s not your fault” and “ We’re sorry too!”  We also chanted another Aaron original; “We’ll Fight! We’ll scratch! We’ll get rid of Orrin Hatch.”   Steve Oldroyd  contributed the chant, “Right now were’ here the Mormon Tabernacle queers!” It was a long march and eventually our voices kept starting to just croak. The sheer number of participants was overwhelming. I started to hear estimations of a half a million people instead of 300,000 marching! Much later I heard that the Metro Rail cops  estimated conservatively 650,000 people attended the march. It was phenomenal and indescribable of the sheer queer energy level for the commitment to Gay rights. Eventually Bruce Harmon and Bruce Barton and Bob McIntier, after the MCC contingency had reached the Capitol, returned  and joined our Utah group.  Two lesbians also joined us on the route so that Nancy didn’t have to be the lone Lesbian. How to describe a once in a life time experience?  I don’t think I have the ability to capture it in words, all the magic, the feeling of unity,  the strength  in numbers, proclaiming we are here and we are not going back. It’s our time for freedom and dignity. As so many of the speakers communicated yesterday and today, “the Constitution is for our protection also!” And we are also a part of the “We the People.”  Five bigots on the Supreme Court  shall not take away the freedom of 25 million Gay and Lesbian people. When we finally reached the end of our part of the march at the Capitol, the sheer number of people already there was overwhelming and we were towards the front of the parade.   Still behind us were Texas, the Central States, Illinois, New England, New York, the Mid West and the Southeast regions.  It was 4 in the afternoon when we reached the main rally location which had started at 1. Whoopie Goldberg was just finishing her address when we arrived but I heard her say that President Reagan  should be ashamed of himself for not writing a letter to those children who have AIDS, and whose house was burned down. That this is not what America approves of, she said. Holly Near was on stage next and she sang  a variety of songs including, “We are a gentle, angry people and we are fighting for our lives.”  Hundreds of thousands sang along with her, swaying to and fro with the rhythm . It was a marvelous sight to behold. Before breaking up and going our different ways, our Utah delegation had a group picture  taken and then we were absorbed into the massive crowd that engulfed us. Mark Lamar and I made our way towards the front of the stage where we heard the actor Robert Blake address the rally. He said it was time  to stop Reagan’s star wars and begin a war on AIDS. He said we need more hospitals not more bombs. He also said that it shames him as an American that more money is allocated by the government to study finding a cure for male pattern baldness  than is spent on AIDS research. After listening to him, Mark and I  began to mill around, to soak in the immensity of the multitude on the mall and I was amazed that the march was still in procession. We connected back up with the Bruces as we thought we better start heading out towards the airport as they had to catch a 6:30 flight and Mark and I had to meet up with Mel Baker in town. We walked through the mall that was filed with Gay and Lesbians as far as one could see and Bruce Barton decided to shimmy up a light signal pole to take a bird’s eye view picture of the masses and masses of people. While was up there, people started flocking to him asking him to take pictures for them using their own cameras which Bruce accommodated them as much as he could. I thought he’d never get down from the numbers of people surrounding him, but he did. He had offered this lesbian to take a picture for her but she said she wanted  to do it herself. She should not have been so independent because Bruce would have gladly done it for her and she couldn’t climb the light signal after all. Oh well. Pride comes before the fall.  I thought she didn’t accept that we were all here this day to help each other, not to stand alone.  As we made our way  towards the Washington Monument, almost by happenstance,  we stumbled upon the Names Project which was this gigantic quilt for AIDS victims. When I first saw the massive quilt,   at first I simply thought , how colorful. Then looking more closely at the first panel, which I realized was 6 feet by 3 feet the size of a grave, I saw the name written on it of Mike White and stitched on it was a teddy bear. I suddenly burst into tears. It hit me like a ton of bricks that each of the thousands of panels  represented  someone who had died of AIDS. I was in shock as I slowly walked, viewing  panel after panel of names embroidered. Tears involuntarily were  streaming down my face as I held a hand up to my mouth, stunned by the enormity of it all.  I looked around and everywhere other people were as grief stricken. Mark began to sob so hard  that I had to hold him in my arms. I tried to be stoic, covering my face with my hands to wipe away the stray tears, but seeing it was devastating. The quilt was as long and wide as two football fields and the Park Service people would not allow all of the quilt to be displayed as it was massive. This one young Gay man who saw that I was grief stricken, came over and touched my arm as if to say, “I understand. We are all sharing the same pain.” Mark said he never felt a sense of “family” before until seeing the quilt and realized that we were all connected now.  I couldn’t bear to look anymore as I felt my heart would break in two. It was all too painful. So, I left the thousands there who were silently devastated and the thousands of others  who were openly  expressing their grief. I needed to get away. I kept thinking of Mark Bluto  who died of AIDS last May and whether people  I love so dearly  will some day be a part of that quilt. Craig Nichols our state epidemiologist and Governor Bangerter for shame! Come  look at the quilt. As shattering as it was, I’m so glad I experienced the Quilt last after the March,  because it was so shocking and  sobering  that I don’t think I would have been able to have been as enthusiastic as I was during the march. Leaving that solemn experience on the mall, the four of us found a Metro Rail entrance and it was packed with hundreds and hundreds of people, shoulder to shoulder, trying to leave the city.  I thought as we traveled away about the wonderful rally and said to Mark, “Do we know how to throw a party or what!”  It was standing room only all the way to the National Airport where we recovered our luggage and thanked  Bruce and Bruce for everything. We couldn’t stay to see them off because we had to head back into the city to try and find Mel Baker’s place which was on 7^th Street. We actually didn’t have too much trouble locating his place but he was wasn’t home when we arrived at 6:30. I figured  he might be at the rally and tied up with debriefing the march and all. So we just sat on the stairs in the hallway and rested. I was  about wasted myself as I had been up since 4:30 this morning and hadn’t eaten since having a brownie. I was running on energy reserves which I never knew I had but were about tapped dry,  I was willing just to sleep on the stairs if I had to. About 7, two lesbians named Ann and Ann,  who lived in the building,  asked us into their place to wait for Mel. Mark really had to use the bathroom. I had a drink of water for the first time since I had coffee this morning. The sweet lesbians were so gracious and I was so appreciative. They said that  Kay Ostberg  also lived in the building who is one of the leading organizers of the March as she is one of the three national co-chairs.  She actually came to see Ann and Ann so I was able to meet her. She was extremely exhausted but hyped up. She also kind of took over and said for us to go ahead and enter Mel’s place because it was unlocked, so we did. Mel, we learned, was with Lee Bush who is also one of the organizers. I let Mark have the sofa and I laid down on the hard wood floor and fell asleep. Around 8:30 Mel came home and apologized for being so late but we said don’t even because we just knew how hectic the day must have been for him. Mel said the rally’s estimated total was 650,000, and probably more at its peak.  He then told us where we could  go get something to eat at “Popeye” the chicken fast food place. I hadn’t eaten  but a brownie all day so I was famished.  I like their spicy Cajun chicken anyway.  I bought Mark  his dinner as he said he was out of money now. While out I also bought a Sunday Washington Post  hoping to read about the march but all it had was stories about the mass wedding yesterday.  Back at Mel’s place, he asked if Mark and I wanted to go to this Leather bar called The Eagle.  I declined , preferring to write and sleep, however Mark jumped at the chance to go out and make new friends.  “Make” is the operative word here.  I’ve stopped keeping track of the friends he has made. What was the old Melanie song Lay Down from 1971, “Some came to play, some came to pray. Some came to keep the darkness away.”  We all had  a reason  to be back here in DC. So near 11:30,  Mel and Mark  left to revel and celebrate,  but feeling my age, I stayed in to rest and to contemplate the glorious nature of this historic occasion. What will come from today I wonder? Who can predict?  Maybe not one of the March’s agendas will be achieved but perhaps something greater happened today. 650,000 Gay ad Lesbian people and their friends were so moved  to come to Washington by that spirit which represents fairness, justice, and what is inherently right and honorable. The Spirit moved us, and each and everyone of the 650,000 or more people here will leave Washington with  a new awareness  about them of what it means to be Gay and part of something larger than ourselves.  No one could remain unchanged  who witnessed what I saw today. Truly for Love and Life we are never going back.

12 October 1987 Monday

The east coast humidity has finally gotten to me as my head is so congested . I don’t have a cold, just have my sinuses draining so having to blow my nose a lot. I slept reasonably well  on the sofa, Mel Baker provided with me while Mark Lamar didn’t come home with Mel but went off with someone he met at the bar. Mel really came through for me so I didn’t have to sleep on a park bench or stay up all night. I was up by 8 when I heard the television being turned on. Mel was monitoring what the major networks  were saying  about yesterday’s historic celebration. On almost every network, the story was just a small news item, usually following news about the NFL football strike or a storm in Florida.  And worse of all the news underestimated  the crowd size by hundreds of thousands. The networks reported  that only 200,000  Gays and Lesbians attended the march and rally.  Mel said they got that figure from the Park Service people who were mad at the March committee and purposely underestimated the figure that they reported to the media  even before the March began!  Only clips of Rev. Jesse Jackson speaking were shown. He must have either been before we arrived  or perhaps after we left. He called upon Congress to increase AIDS funding, enact a Gay civil rights protection bill and an immediate end to anti-Gay violence. According to Mel, the Metro Cops claimed that the true figure, depending on the time of day, was between 500,000 and 650,000. Mel said that the park service had just seeded the mall’s grass and did not want the rally to be held at all and fought to keep the quilt off the mall all together.  However, the March Committee pulled enough strings in Congress especially with Barney Frank to override  the park service system officials and that was what pissed them off. Besides  the facts that we are dykes, faggots and queers. I also heard on the news that the Names Project AIDS quilt had over 1,900 panels displayed and was the size of two football fields. I wanted to go back and revisit the quilt but Mel said the Park Service only allowed a one day display and it’s  already packed up. Perhaps it’s just as well as it would probably just upset me again. Anyway, Mark  came in, doing the walk of shame, around 9, after I was out of the shower. I am glad he came back when he did  because I was just about to leave and head off to the Lambda Rising Bookstore. Subsequently, Mark and I said our goodbyes to Mel and thanked him  for all his hard work with the march and for letting us crash at his place even if Mark stayed somewhere else.  Mel should feel proud of what he helped accomplished, and I think whatever people in Utah may think, Mel should have gotten  way more support from the Community Council of Utah than he did. If not for Mel, at least for our Gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters in all other corners of the nation. Well, after leaving Me’s place, we took the Metro Rail into town where Mark had to make a decision  what to do with his luggage. He didn’t want to carry his bags all over the city but he didn’t have anymore money to check them at the station, like I did.  I was a little peeved that he didn’t use his money more wisely so I said he ought to just go to Union Station  and wait for me to return. That is what he did. I left him to go to Dupont Circle where I sat on a park bench at Connecticut and Q streets and wrote in my journal. I can see Lambda Rising from where I’m sitting. The sky is a deep blue but cloudy and the weather is very cool. I was a bit thirsty and hungry but trying to find a 7-Eleven  or any convenient store in this city is almost impossible.  Washington DC is not a 7-Eleven town like Salt Lake City which has either a 7-Eleven or Circle K on nearly every corner. While out I did buy a Washington Post for Bruce Barton and some more Gay buttons. Though, all the march buttons were completely sold out.  While at Dupont Circle, I talked to these two Lesbians from New York City. One said she had a friend who lived in Salt Lake City and she was thinking about him a lot today. So, Kevin S., Mary from New York City says “hi”.  I was back at the train station by 12:30 tore join Mark waiting for our train to arrive. We won’t board until 1:50 according to the schedule but I think it’s just wiser for us to just sit and wait in the station rather  than taking a chance of being away and missing it. Besides I don’t have but $15 to get home on and I’ll have to spend half of that  on Mark because he’s flat broke.  Mark asked if I had a peculiar feeling about leaving DC and I said, “No. I’m ready to go home. I have a lot of energy, ideas, and enthusiasm to bring back to Salt Lake City.”  I feel somewhat like a Christian Missionary  ready to bring civilization  to deepest darkest Utah. I’m a dedicated faggot  striving to bring civilization to hateful heterosexual Utah. One of the things I want to do is write book reviews on Gay Literature for the Triangle Magazine that are first reviewed  in the Lambda Rising catalog.   We left Washington DC  around 2 in the afternoon and as the train pulled out of the station I was sad  to see our adventure end so soon but  glad to be going home. I was too exhausted to do much but try to nap as the train  traveled south into Culpepper and Manassas, Virginia  before heading north through West Virginia. Since we didn’t have to make a connection in New York City we headed west along the Kentucky side of the Ohio River. To our surprise and delight, on board our train was Les  from Denver. He said he had to be back to work but the others wanted to stay to take part in the protest at the Supreme Court. The train was packed with other weary Gays  also heading west. Mark Lamar took his medicine and slept for most of the rest of the day as he had little sleep from  last night making whoopie.  I was a wake after a brief nap and visited with various people regarding their impression of the march and rally. I even  got to know the snack bar attendant named Steve Stempowski. Strange that lately, everyone I am really attracted to is Polish.  He had biggest blue eyes and was interested in the march as he was Gay and lived in New York City. While Mark slept, I stayed up almost all night talking with Steve until his shift ended. He invited me to join him back in to his sleeper car, but something came up at the last minute and he had to work another shift until 1 in the morning. I said he needed his sleep more than spending time with me, so I gave him my Salt Lake address and phone  number and he gave me his New York ones. He said he’s like for me to come stay with him sometime in New York and he would show me around the city after I had told him how it frightened me when I came out of Grand Central station. He just laughed. I really didn’t want to leave him and go back to my coach where Mark was sleeping, as I wanted to write some more. I went the men’s smoking car to write in my journal. Eventually  this young Gay  fellow joined me, who evidently was too wired to sleep and we conversed about our experiences at the march until way into the early hours. He was from Cincinnati, Ohio and was a Gay activist  there. He  said he was now ready to bring back to Ohio, the conviction and fortitude that DC  gave to each and every one of us who are now going home. That is the legacy, I think, that will come out of the march. Gays ad Lesbians, from every state, are returning  with a conviction in their souls that there is no turning back and that we must push  forward towards victory for our dignity no matter the challenge. What a rippling effect, those 650,000 witnesses will  bring to the communities to which they are returning.

13 October 1987 Tuesday

It’s 3:30 in the afternoon and we are just now leaving Chicago, Illinois after having to change trains. We are back on the California Zephyr which is much more comfortable ride because of its two decks.  Before leaving our other train, Steve Stempowski came and said goodbye to me. It would be fun and exciting to see him again sometime  but I think we are just ships passing in the night. I have met a lot of interesting people  on the train for sure, as you have more time to get to know them. Nevertheless, if I ever take another cross country train trip,  I want to book a sleeper. While waiting in the Chicago Station I met a man who saw my Pink Triangle button and he asked me if I went to the march. I said, “I sure did”. He said that he was a closeted married man and manager in some corporation in Chicago. But he thanked me for going  for those who can’t or who weren’t able. He was very handsome and I wish I had more time to have conversed with him. He said he gets to Salt Lake City periodically so I told him my name and said for him to look me up in the phone book when ever he comes through Salt Lake and we would go out for a drink. I just can’t believe all the Gay men I am meeting who are interested in me as I never get that reaction in Utah because I do not have the returned missionary image.  Truly we are every where and if only that teenage boy in Tooele or the Lesbian teenager in  Randolph  could have seen what I saw this weekend, they would throw off the shackles of fear and oppression. I wonder how the demonstration at the Supreme Court is doing? Gays are protesting the Hardwick decision that upheld sodomy laws saying the constitution doesn’t provide the right to privacy. However federal law prohibits any protesting on the steps of the Supreme Court. Oh well. Civil disobedience is what America is all about.  I do think I have a full blown cold but thank God, I was well enough to march last Sunday. Once onboard the California Zephyr, Mark and I made a dash to the Lounge upper deck where we met this man returning to San Francisco who was part of the Names Project committee.  His name is Steve Newberger and he had the most interesting story to tell as we traveled through the corn belt.  He said that he had wanted to do a panel for his lover Baird who had died  of AIDS last December 1^st. While creating one he then volunteered to work on the Names Project itself.  He had taken the train all the way from San Francisco to DC, specifically to set up the Names Project on the Mall rather than participate in the march. He only managed to stay in DC for one and half days after a four day train ride  each way. I found him not only incredibly handsome, but I admired his dedication and commitment  to something greater than himself. I admire that so much in people and this whole  experience has allowed me to meet other dedicated individuals who are in my opinion so far superior than the self-absorbed Gay yuppies and others of that type who can only be concerned with their own needs rater than the greater good. Steve said he actually didn’t get to see any of the march, the rally, or the mass wedding at all and asked if I would send him a copy of my journal writings that I kept about what I experienced. I said certainly. Later in the evening Steve related to us, the loss of his lover Baird. He had  taken him home away from hospice so he could take care of his needs until the day he died. Steve said his only remorse was that he wasn’t at Baird’s side when he died in his sleep.  I saw that Steve was softly still grieving, telling the tale so I touched his arm to let him know that Mark and I cared about his loss. We are family. Having spent this time with Steve, I was determined to start a Quilt Project back in Utah to commemorate  our friends who have already died of AIDS, and to add panels to the giant Names Project quilt that is to keep growing until AIDS is eliminated  It will be a noble undertaking and I would like to see it dramatically displayed  in front of Utah’s state capitol  and cry out “Shame, Shame, Shame”, Norman Bangerter and Craig Nichols.  I’d like to spear drive a movement to form an organization  to do this. Utah needs to contribute to the Quilt and I would personally like to see a panel for Clair Harward, the boy who was excommunicated in Ogden and died of AIDS  or for Mark Bluto who was part of the Restoration Church when I was involved with the church.I try to stay up as long as I can  as sleeping on the train is nearly impossible. If you stay awake long enough, sheer exhaustion will help you nod off. Mark left the lounge to go down into the coach car to find two seats together so he could stretch out across them. I also later found two seats, however it was still so uncomfortable  that only those proficient in all the positions of the Karma Sutra  would be able to sleep on train seats.

14 October 1987- Wednesday

I haven’t really been able to dream while sleeping on the train but I did briefly last night.  I dreamt that a bunch of people I knew were on a bus, including Russ Lane, who had started the Wasatch Affirmation Chapter last year with my assistance. In the dream Russ was being a real “Norman Mormon”  quoting Alma from the Book of Mormon in such a sickening patronizing way. Finally, I turned and said to him “Russ, for  us who are no longer Mormon, Shut the Fuckup!” I wonder what my subconscious was trying to tell me. Anyway, we reached Denver, Colorado at 8 in the morning, so I went down to the washroom to get cleaned up. However, I was stuck in there during the boarding process for about a half hour. Evidently the doors lock so no one can sneak aboard. Mark after he was up has been making friends on board in his own special way.  I spent  the much of the morning visiting with Steve Newberger and I find myself very attracted to him. Steve shared with me some of his writings, poetry, and his life in San Francisco which he said has virtually shut down over the fear of AIDS. He’s articulate, intelligent, masculine, creative and has a strong sense of social justice. Steve said he was raised Jewish in New York City but has lived in San Francisco since 1973. He has such large expressive green eyes and a thick bushy mustache as well as thick wavy auburn hair. He is very rugged and extremely good looking.   He’s 37 years old,  just a year older than me, and he is an artist who paints on silk scarves. He smokes,  but on him it looks distinguished and not ineffective like with so many Utah Gays do in order  to rebel and act chic.  I know this is just an onboard  train meeting but I really would like to keep in touch with him. I’m so glad that I will be home tonight but sad to see Steve leave to continue on to California. I’ll remember  and miss him most of all when this journey is over. Well, we finally are crossing Utah’s Green Desert and it won’t be long now before we are home. This woman named Courtney has joined our little group of kindred spirits, I suppose. She’s beautiful with frizzy blond hair, wearing an expensive pink sweat pant suit with pink ankle warmers.  I got to talking  with her about genealogy  as she was very interested in it. She said her uncle  was into it somewhat. She said Courtney was a family name and her last name was Marvin. I said it was British but possibly Welsh.  Anyway, we all watched “Top Gun” that was playing  on the monitor to pass the time but mainly I visited with Steve while Mark poured out his life story to Courtney who said she was returning to California after attending her father’s funeral.  As we entered into Utah County, I knew we would be home soon in a couple of hours and I had a melancholy  feeling sweep over me realizing  my exciting adventure would soon be terminated and while I was excited to be coming home, I’ll miss all the comradery I experienced  and also truly the “Gay Spirit”  which I felt across this land. The train pulled into the Rio Grande Station, finally, around 11 at night. I had enough money for a taxi so Steve got off the train and walked Mark and me over to the cab.  He said something to me that took me by surprise when he said, “Courtney sure tried to hide her identity didn’t she?”  I was puzzled and said, “No, she said her name was Courtney Marvin.” He smiled and said “Yes she is but she is also Lee Marvin’s daughter. She had been back east for her father’s funeral.”  Well, well, well. Lee Marvin had died last August. At 11:30 after taking Mark to his apartment, I am home at last. I pulled of my sweats and travel worn clothes, hopped into a hot shower  and then climbed into my own bed at last. But what a glorious trip. What a wonderful experience. Just everything. I am so grateful that my spirit and circumstances allowed me to go on this adventure of a life time. I am so ready to bring the message of the March on Washington to Salt Lake but right now it’s goodnight.

Additional Material  

The Senate passed an amendment banning the use of federal funds for materials and projects in AIDS education that might "promote or encourage, directly or indirectly homosexual sexual activity". Introduced by Jesse Helm R-NC it passed 94-2. Utah Senators Jake Garn and Orin Hatch both voted for the amendment.

15 October 1987-Thursday

This morning Billy Bikowski of all people called me to ask me  how the march  went. I told him how exciting it ws and asked how he was doing. This is the first time he and I  have really spoken to each other since July. I told him I wanted to see him and he said he wanted to see me also. So we made plans to go to Park City. However my car began to leak oil so badly we couldn’t go that far. I did take him to his work at Granite Mill. He is living now with Dan Fahndrich and Frank Fata now up in a house on I Street in the Avenues. I am happy for him as he looked  productive even if a bit scraggy. I told that I loved him and that I know he cares  for me. I said I wanted to be a part of his life, however he so chooses but because I have so much I want to do right now, I’m not ready for a lover. I said that I would love to have him as a lover but am content to let him grow and have all the space he needs. I made it clear to him that  I’m sticking around for the long haul. I’m still going to be there for him whenever he needs me. Anyway, what a blessing to be able to be with Billy today. I feel like Providence rewarded  me because  it knew  nothing thrills me more than being with Billy when he’s sweet to me. In the evening, I went to the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church for their spaghetti dinner night mainly to see Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon  and to catch up with how they made it home and also to give Bruce Barton the Washington Newspapers I had bought for him . When I came back home I called Satu Servigna and said I’d do a write up a piece about the March for the Triangle then I called John Reeves to tell him all about my adventures. Now I am tired and want to sleep. Goodnight.

16 October 1987 Friday

I went in to Utah Title  to pick up my paycheck so I can finally pay my rent. At work Troy Nichols said he’s been off drugs now for a week. I am so happy for him and hope he continues. He came  over to the Juel Apartment to have a look at my car. He said I have a broken oil seal  and it would cost about $45 to fix it. Troy knows someone who  will work on it this coming Tuesday. After he left to go back to work, I slept for most of the day trying to catch up with my rest and get over this lingering cold.  John Reeves called me later in the evening and  asked if I wanted to go see a movie tonight, his treat.  We went to see the 7:30 showing of the Princess Bride at the Cross Roads Mall and it was so delightful. “As you wish” will be my new retort to Billy Bikowski. When the show let out John wanted to go dancing so we went to the-Between and then later to the Sun. Barry Prindiville the newest member of the Love Birds who replaced Dave Waters, bought me a drink at the In-Between. I like him a lot I would like to start dating him as I am attracted to him. John wanted to dance so we went to the SUN around 10:30 but I was tired and asked John to take me home around 11:30 because I wanted to be alert for the Gay Community meeting tomorrow.  Watching the ABC news, I heard Peter Jennings call Cleve Jones of the Names Project "Person of the Year".

17 October 1987 Saturday

 I was up at 7 this morning to get ready to walk down 4^th South to the Aardvark Café  for the Gay Community Council  meeting at 9. It was a meeting to organize and set voting  requirements  and membership. People who attended were Michael Aaron, Graham Bell, John Bennett, Lyle Bradley, Ted Fairchild, Jim Hunsaker, Mark Lamar, Bob McIntier, David Nelson, Satu Servigna, Barbara Stockton and me.  We officially adopted the name for the organization as The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. I was bound and determined not to let individuals who only represented themselves to  have equal voting status  as those representing organizations.  David Nelson tried to manipulate the concept of the council to be more political mainly under the direction him and Graham Bell. The community council was establish originally  as a place for organizations to network and share information with each other. Satu Servigna was not having any of David’s suggestions and finally we voted that individuals would have 1 vote while organizations would have 3 votes. David suggested adopting Robert’s Rules of order but the majority said no to that. The meeting was long and at times contentious but I think we are off to a good start with setting up duties of officers and creating some sub committees. It was decided that any interested party could become a voting member if they paid their membership dues.  The meeting last for nearly 6 hours and we were all glad to get out of there. We will continue to meet once a month on the first Thursday. When I came home, I shaved off my beard  today to attend Curtis Jensen’s  drag party. It was okay and sort of fun, but not enough for me to have shaved..

Additional Material 

The Mr. & Miss Golden Spike Universe Pageant Contest was held and directed by Ruby (Garth Snyder) Slippers at Backstreet. Chris Trujillo and “Yvette Del Rio” won the pageant.

18 October 1987 Sunday

It was a clear, beautiful autumn day and I slept in late, nearly until 11 this morning before getting up. I cleaned the apartment and at 2:30 I called Billy Bikowski to see how he is. I was missing him. I I told him that I wanted to see him and he said he wanted to see me so we met at the Smith’s on E Steet and 6^th Avenue. I had to walk because my car has another flat tire. I don’t have a spare so I will have to wait until someone can help me. He was there waiting for me and he said I looked good without my beard and I said he look wonderful also. I then walked with him to his place on 12^th Avenue and I street. There Frank Fatah and Rob Ivy  were home and then all of Billy’s attention left me. I sat in the living room for about 10 minutes and the I left. I don’t have to compete  for Bill’s attention with anyone. I will  not do that. I will not countenance pain from Billy anymore. I will just leave. I was a little melancholy walking down back to my apartment but I didn’t feel devastated. Still I want a heart of stone. It’s a mistake to get involved with Billy again. Billy is an iceberg and I am the Titanic. I should admire Billy from afar but not up close.  I went to church at MCC as Bruce Barton asked me to speak a little about the March on Washington. It seems more than just a week ago I was marching in DC.  Afterwards  I came back home and called Fran to see how she is doing.  Her life is a mess and I need to cut the strings so we both can move on. I have to go tomorrow  for a KRCL training so I can do Concerning Gays and Lesbians  tomorrow with Becky Moss. She is still going by Mickie on the program but sometimes I slip up with an call her Becky. I use my real name so it’s kind of awkward. I called Dan Fahndrich to ask him for a ride to KRCL tomorrow but Billy answered the phone. I felt awkward and didn’t want to share my feelings over the phone. Billy wanted to talk about what happened earlier and said he’d walk down  but I said that wouldn’t be necessary, but he insisted. This was at 10 at night and then at 10:30 e said he was on his way that he was held up talking to a friend. He finally arrived at 11:15 and stayed until midnight. I was tired and sleepy and did not care what he ha to say. I had expected him to ask to spend the night rather than walk back the 1 and a half miles up the hill. He said he had to leave. I’m no fool he left me to go be with someone else. Of this I am sure. Why bother coming over at all? While he was here he held me, we spoke of love and I was curled up in his arms. When he said he wasn’t spending the night, I just said, fine but something inside me screamed out in pain. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want him to leave me for someone else. The joy of his  presence isn’t worth the anguish f his departure. He’s changing. I’m changing. I am not going to go through another winter with him always leaving me for someone else. Until he’s ready to  stay and love me and wants to be with me more than others, I’’ just go on like before and keep my distance. Wounds are healing  and I don’t need to be picking  at the scabs

19 October 1987 Monday

I went back to work at Utah Title and there is nothing new  but it was good to see Troy Nichols and Brett Spriggs. I visited with Rick Bauer a bit. He was inquisitive about where I went during  my vacation time.  I am sure I could have said Washington DC because no one in the office I am sure paid a bit of attention to news about the march if it was even mentioned here on TV.  The newspaper coverage just carried a United Press International write up which stated only 200,000 people marched. I think I have a crush on Rick. He said he missed me. When I checked my mail I received a package form Steve Newberger with information about the AIDS Quilt and how to get involved with the Names Project.  I never got a hold of Dan Fahndrich for a ride so I took a bus down State Street then walked over to 2^nd West on 7th South. KRCL’s management wanted all the new volunteers  here for a training session. I had to be there at 6 and stayed for two hours. I really hate learning anything technical. Some people take to it like a duck to water but not me. I know I can learn it. I can do anything if someone takes the time help me understand. Dan was at  the volunteer session and  he gave me a ride home. He also invited me to a Halloween Party  at his place. It bothered me that Billy must have known about the party  but he didn’t invite me. I won’t attend as I’m not willing to share Billy although in reality I don’t have any part of him. John Reeves once told me that Billy’s fool  because on a scale of one to 10, I am an eleven. In the news the stock market crashed  dropping 500 points, wiping out all the gains of the last three years. So much for Reaganomics.  Iran is calling for war with the United States because we bombed some Iranian oil platforms.

20 October 1987-Tuesday

 The stock market rallied 100 points from yesterdays’ crash. It doesn’t affect me at all on a personal level.  I’ve lived in poverty so long so what difference does it make for me? Last week Congress  voted to  not fund any AIDS organizations that promotes  “homosexual activity. The measure was promoted by Jesse Helms the evil Senator from North Carolina. He wants us to just die. That’s Congress’ response to the March on Washington. At the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation tonight, I shared some of my journal from what I recorded about the march.  Randy Olson brought refreshments for the group . It was good to see everyone again. Ken Francis  says he will be moving again from the Juel. I want to move also. I talked to Bruce Harmon a little bit tonight after I came home. I told him that I was still interested in working for Lineages as a genealogist  

Additional Material 

Over fifty ACT-UP members were arrested during an act of civil disobedience protesting President Reagan's lack of action in the AIDS epidemic. Another demonstration of about 150 people was held across the street from the United Nations building during the UN General Assembly's first debate on AIDS.

·         The House of Representatives voted 368-47 to approve an amendment to withhold federal funding from any AIDS education organization, which encourages homosexual activity. The senate approved a similar amendment the previous week by a vote of 94- 2. It was introduced by Sen. Jesse Helms.

·         The US House Judiciary Committee voted 21-13 to approve a bill requiring the justice department to collect statistics on hate crimes, including anti-Gay violence.

21 October 1987 Wednesday

After work, Troy Nichols dad Dennis and his mom Myra towed my car down to a Volkswagen repair shop. That was really good of them. It will cost me around $40 to get the vehicle fixed. I hope.  In the evening Mike Anderson came over to my place and we visited  for most of  the evening just catching up.  He’s in Saturday Voyeur  and has rehearsals almost every night but he had tonight off. We talked about the Halloween Party we are having at his place on the 30^th. It should be lots of fun. To get out of the house, Mike and I then went down to the In-Between for a bit to visit some more and have a cocktail with the vodka we brought with us. Weezer was working and we ordered cranberry juice as set ups. It was really slow at the bar probably because of Radio City’s Wednesday night beer bust. At nine, Mike took me down to KRCL where we sat in with Becky Moss while she taped her Halloween Show for Concerning Gays and Lesbians to air next week. We were there until 11. On the 28^th I will interview The Love Birds so I need to learn the operations as soon as I can.  Dan Fahndrich was with Becky and he invited both Mike and me to his party again. Later I asked Mike, how can I go seeing Billy Bikowski there ignoring me or having to compete with others  for his attention? Besides Billy didn’t even ask me to attend when he had the chance and I won’t if he doesn’t. It makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to realize how little he cares about wanting to be with me. After Mike dropped me off at the Juel, I got ready for bed when John Reeves called me around midnight. He needed to talk so we visited for abut an hour. He wants me to meet Michael Elliott  this Saturday. He’s a Gay therapist who John has been counseling with. I had referred someone to him the other day.

22 October 1987 Thursday

It’s my only niece’s sweet 16 birthday. During my lunch hour, I walked to the Ecliptic shop and bought two wigs for Halloween, a blond wone ad a black one. I am going in drag for Halloween this year.  Work was slow again and I spoke to a lot of my friends on the phone. Mark Lamar called me to say he has a phone again and is looking for work. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since our return. I guess we both needed a break from each other.  I heard that Steve Brackenbury is moving from Mike Anderson’s apartment at Old Farm to the Ben Albert Apartments. Ken Francis says he wants to move to another apartment and he is going to go to work for Farmer Jack’s in Sandy. After work, Jon Butler drove me down  to get my car that cost $75 to repair after all. Oh well. At least it’s running again.  I drove over to Mark Lamar’s place on First South in the evening, to use his hir brushes to comb out my wigs. While there I had a glass of white wine. I miss having a nice glass of wine before going to bed to help me fall asleep.  God, I am getting just like dad.  Back at my apartment, just as I was getting ready for bed, Steve Newberger  called me from San Francisco. He said he received the package I sent with a copy of my journaling in it.  It was good to talk to him again. Steve said he wants to get more active in social causes. I told him that I admired him for that. He said he wants to keep in touch with me and I do him also, but I know time and distance can change things. He did say he wanted a picture of me in drag ha! I remarked that it won’t be a pretty sight ha! Anyway, that was a pleasant way to end the day . I heard a song yesterday by Dolly Parton that in part some of the lyrics were “Wild flowers don’t care where they grow.” I loved that  as I’m a wildflower for sure.

23 October 1987 Friday-

After work John Reeves picked me up about 7 pm to go to the Unity Show at Backstreet. That's Chuck Whyte's baby. I'm in it to represent the Salt Lake Affirmation. I was really nervous about doing it but it had to be done. Anyway we were at Backstreet by 8 pm & Chuck was going nuts coordinating everything. Mark Lamar operated the spot light because the guy Chuck he had originally was sick. The show was much better than average benefit  show. The Acts I really liked were Greg Garcia's "Kick Your Love Goodbye" sung to the tune of What I did for Love from Chorus Line, a woman representing Puss N Boots sing live " I Fall to Pieces", a woman who sang  for Ogden's Blue Horizon, LGSU's "Sergeant Safe Sex" sang by Curtis Jensen, Joe Dewey, ad Jon Bennett and APU's Sergeant  Safe Sex's lecture on how to put on a condom. I was the act leading into the Grand Finale and also followed Clarisse Cartier's who had a standing ovation and call back. When I was on stage I said "That was a tough act to follow."  I gave a little background on the Names Project and on Steve Newberger and then I read the poem Steve wrote called The Quilt. I couldn't see anyone with the spot light on me but I could hear people shushing other people until the whole bar was silent. Ive never heard the bar silent before filled with people. Steve's poem moved a lot of people. Afterwards we sang "We Shall Overcome". John Reeves, Satu Servigna, and Bruce Barton said I did an excellent job. I said this is not my forte and I hate performing but it got to be done. Someone has to do it and really that's how I feel. Satu wanted a copy of Steve’s poem to print in the December Issue of the Triangle. After the benefit was over, John, Mark and I  left to go dancing at the SUN, where I saw Rand Barker, my old crush from last year. He broke up with Arian Ruiz just last week and has moved in with Randy Olsen’s friend Don.  Also Lyle Bradly told me some disturbing news. John Sassaman is in the Holy Cross hospital suffering with pneumonia from ARC. I am so sorry to hear that because John is one of the good guys. I was getting fatigued so I asked John Reeves to take me home about midnight and then he said he was going to the baths.  Mark Lamar didn’t go to the SUN with us but met someone at the In-Between so he didn’t get a ride home with u., I asked John to go to Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez’s spaghetti dinner party tomorrow  so I would have to go alone.

Additional Material 

AIDS AWARENESS WEEK Sponsored by AIDS Project Utah, Rocky Mountain Infection Control, Salt Lake Women's Council of Realtors, KTVX Channel 4, ASSUU, the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire. The morality rate of people with AIDS in Utah is higher then in other states. Utah had no Medicare approved hospices for the terminally ill. Dr. Paul Volberding spoke at the U of U about the Pandemic nature of AIDS.

Also the national Human Rights Campaign Fund began protesting response to a Congressional measure to restrict funding to AIDS organizations which distributed  prevention literature to Gays. The amendment was introduced in the Senate by Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) and passed by the house and senate to restrict funding to AIDS

24 October 1987 Saturday-

The muscles in my neck have been so sore ever since returning from  the trip to Washington so this morning I went  up to the university to soak in the sauna in the HPER building.  I stayed there for about an hour and it felt so good. Since I was up on campus, I decided to check out what action might be going on in OSH. I met this man named Hugh who was incredibly sexy and I told him so. He said “I can be when I am with someone who can turn me on.”  He was dressed like me, in a Levi jacket, jeans, had a beard  and about my age. He was a wonderful kisser. I also saw that he had a wedding ring on his finger. I asked him if he wanted my phone number  and he was hesitant.  He said let’s just trip over each again in passing. I was mildly disappointed  but understood his situation completely having been  a year ago in the same circumstances..  He gave me a hard cinnamon candy when we left. I thought that was a cute thing to do.  When I came home, it was late in the afternoon and I heard 4 frantic messages  on my answering machine from Billy Bikowski. I called him  and asked what he wanted. He said he had an awful time  in therapy and wanted to talk to me to discuss our relationship. My heart stirred again. I thought could this be it? Could this finally be when he realized all that he has I me?  We conversed a little on the phone and I said I would love to just drop everything and come see you  but I have a party I’m obligated to attend. I said that I will get out of the party as early as I can so I can come see him tonight. I was really open and honest with him about my feelings and expectations. I said I was nervous and anxious about us getting together to discuss our relationship. After all we hadn’t really  talked or been together since early September. I told him I don’t  know what’s in his head and I said how I am frightened that I might say or do the wrong thing so that the prize I am so desperately seeking will again allude me and vanish like fairy gifts. I am so frustrated and confused. What does Billy want from me? Anyway, John Reeves dropped over while I was still on the phone and I had to reluctantly hang up to go over to Nancy Perez and Brook Hallock’s  dinner party. John drove and while he did, I told him all about  Billy’s call and how edgy and upset it made me over what to expect now. Am I finally going to get what I’ve wanted and patiently waited for so for long?  At Brook’s house, those who attended were Curtis Jensen, John Bennett, Joe Dewey, Tom Abizu,  Becky Moorman, a guy named Todd and his lover. It was an interesting evening. I really enjoy  Brook and Nancy but because of Billy’s call, I was just on the verge of being bitchy all night, resentful I was there, I suppose. I drank too much wine and got drunk. Perhaps that was my way of handing Billy’s new proposal to meet.   Anyway John and I stayed until 10  playing Trivia Pursuit with the others. Finally John took me home and he was rather bummed out himself because he felt ignored by the people who were mostly LGSU kids at the party. I told him that he was so superior to them in intellect and character so not to fret. At home I called Billy and said that I was too drunk to drive and come up to see him so I said let’s plan to meet to morrow at 5. I said that I missed him and wanted to be with him tonight but just couldn’t. I then asked  him  why were we getting together tomorrow and he deflated all expectations by simply saying “It’s not to rekindle the flame you carry for me.” My heart went into retreat again and I simply said “goodnight.”  Why does he even want to see me tomorrow? Is it just another let’s be fiend’s speech? If it is he can save his breathe.

Additional Material 

RUN FOR LIFE race was an AIDS benefit sponsored by the Your Place or Mine. The start of the race began at Radio City Lounge.

25 October 1987 Sunday

Since Billy Bikowski was coming over today, I wanted to really scrub the apartment because it hadn’t really been done  since before e I left for the March on Washington. So I scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen floors getting down on my  knees and also did a load of wash  changing my bedding. Last night we turned the clocks back to Standard time  so I had an extra hour to clean. It was so beautiful outside that I tried calling Billy to see if he wanted to go to the park or somewhere but when I called Dan Fahndrich answered  and said Billy wasn’t home.  So at 3 rather than just sitting home, decided to go to the U of U’s sauna as I was edgy and nervous of what to expect from Billy. I also called Randy Olsen to get Rand Barker’s phone number now that he has broken up with Adrian. So I called Rand and we talked  a little about Billy. he gave me some really good advice about meeting Billy on  neutral ground and not at my apartment and  not to feed into Billy’s ego.  Yesterday Brook Hallock said she just doesn’t understand Billy’s appeal and what I see in him.  I said “I just love that boy. I can’t explain it.” So anyway I went up to  the U of U and spent an hour in the HPER sauna where I saw Beau Chaine soaking. He said to be careful around Billy. It was wise advise even if from Beau. When I came back to the Juel Apartments at 4:15 there was this message on the machine from Billy saying he had to get away and he went up int the mountains for a hike and would b in touch with me when he came back down. My first reaction was almost to burst into tears but I controlled myself and affirmed hopefully that Billy would keep his word. He said he would be here at 5 and right at 5 there was a knock on my door. I opened it only to see Mike Anderson who had dropped by to pick up the wig I bought for him. He said he was disgusted with Seve Brackenbury’s responsibility as a roommate.  I had a hard time visiting as I was like a cat waiting to jump out of my skin waiting for Billy to show. Finally, when I realized I was stood up again, I said to Mike “Let’s go to MCC”. Why should I be expected to sit and wait by the phone for Billy? My soul felt defeated so I went to MCC which as a wonderful service. Bruce Barton gave an excellent talk on Christian activism and faith in Jesus Christ’s redemptive power in the face of AIDS epidemic. After the service was over, Mike  and I walked back home up 6^th East  and there Billy had left another message on my machine saying he was home now.  Mike wanted to go to Affirmation. I wanted to stay in meet with Billy but Mike was right about not letting Billy control my evening since he did not show up when he said he would. So Mike and I went up to the Unitarian Church  to attend Affirmation. I was kind of curious to see who they had chosen as the new Chapter director of the Wasatch Affirmation.  When we arrived the meeting was already in progress  and “Cory” whose real name is Chuck Thomas was leading a discussion group. It was a very small group perhaps less than 20 people there. Then of course Roseanne Barr was doing her AIDS benefit so that would have drawn people away. Chuck was doing an Elders Quorum type  discussion so Mike and I jumped into the mix  to bring some reality back to the group. The gist f what I was saying was that we should stop  considering ourselves  as Mormon Gays rather as Gay Mormons. I said we will always be Gay but not always Mormon.  The first and primal function of Affirmation should be to  have us accept and deal with the issues of being Gay  and only secondary Mormon.  Chuck was upset with Mike and me to say the least because of our views on Gay social  activism and especially upset with me as I kept saying  “fucking this” and “fucking that” He finally said to me that he was offended by the word and I said get over it. Affirmation should be a place of healing not a holding pen confused Mormons. After the meeting Chuck came up and  asked, “Did I offend you?” and I replied “fuck no.”  Mike and I were in rare form. At least we had the ones there to thinking outside the Momon party lines. Sadly  Cory still thinks being anti-LDS is being anti-spirituality  which is completely untrue. I am not anti-LDS doctrine, they can believe anything they want bit when they attack Gay folks I will fightback. Anyway upon coming home at 9:30, Mike Anderson left and I decided to call Billy. He said he was sorry for not coming by but he doesn’t feel like it now. I was furious.  I said, I don’t appreciate this at all! And I slammed the phone receiver down and stormed around the apartment venting.  I am about to explode.  I called him back and said “You son of a bitch. You don’t know the preparations I’ve done and what you put me through the entire weekend. You said you were going to see me today but stood me us like always.  So God damn it. You are coming down too my place now. I aid get ready as I will be there in 10 minutes. I then raced up I Street to 12rth Avenue so fuming ready to  kick or punch that bastard. He’s standing outside waiting and I said “Get in the car.” He did and he’s like a fucking zombie. I didn’t want t take him back to my apartment so I drove  up to the medical center that sits behind the U of U overlooking the lights of the city. There I just exploded and let him have it. I asked him why did he call me this weekend frantic to see me? He said because he needed met o listen to him. I said don’t ever call me again if you need someone to talk to. Call your friends. I’m not your friends. I can’t be your friend. I could tell he was super depressed and was almost crying about something that was hurting him.  I can’t take Billy’s tears. So I just held him and wiped away his tears. Mellowing out I said Billy I love you but I can’t have  you treat me the way you do as an afterthought. I said he had to take personal responsibility for his actions. Billy then admitted, “There’s a lot of things about you I like but there’s a lot I don’t.”  So I asked “do the positives out weight the negatives” and he said, “no.”  He said he didn’t  want me as a lover or a companion but just a friend.” I said then we are at odds because I only want you as a lover and a companion. We are at an impasse. Billy then admitted that my real competition  is Dave Kimball, who is the antithesis of me. He’s free spirit with no responsibilities and who travels all over Europe and the Americas.” I said to Billy, “I’m sorry but I don’t have any competition as I don’t have to compete with anyone.” Billy then said that I should love him enough to let him go and if he truly loves me he’d come back. I said that’s bull shit put out by selfish, self-centered bastards who don’t  want to have any responsibility towards anyone. I asked what kind of commitment can Kimball offer? Of caring about you and being there for you?”  So I then took him home we sat in the car and briefly talked some more. Resolving nothing.  He then said that he could use the beer that was t  my house. I took this as a sign of a form of reconciliation. That it was an excuse for him to spend more time with me. So I drove back down to my place . There we sat on my camelback couch while he drinks the three beers I had in the fridge.  I am holding him, trying to get him to open up to me why he desperately needed to see me yesterday.  I was surprised when he finally asked me to Dan Fahndrich’s party this Saturday. I asked, “Was it so painful for you to ask me?” He said, “Sort of.” I asked “why don’t you want me there” and he said that Frank Fatah really doesn’t like me. That really surprised me because we have never really ever done anything together or me to him. I wasn’t crushed as that he’s not one of my favorite people either. Then as I am playing gently with Billy’s hair I asked him to spend the night but he said no saying that I’d just want to have sex with him. I was a little hurt and asked, “Is that so terrible?”  Then the truth, the big reveal. He uttered  the most cruel words of all, “I don’t find you sexually attractive, Ben. You don’t turn me on.”  I just released him and quietly said , Oh”  more of a sigh than a word.  So I got off the couch, dazed and went into the bathroom, to not be in the same space, and  tried to shut down any emotion. Did he really say those words to me?  I then got undressed and went to bed.  I called out to Billy who was still sitting in the front room saying resignedly,  . “:I’m not taking you home. You can either sleep on the couch, in my bed, or walk home. I really didn’t care anymore. He said something about his tools for work being at his place. I heard him say goodbye. I just shouted out “Goodbye.” I was secretly happy that the bastard had to walk home at 2 in the morning tipsy and up the hill to 12^th Avenue. It’s over finally. There’s no chance of rectifying this dysfunctional relationship. The love is gone. Dead. I am free at last. Love is debris.

Additional Material 

AIDS Project Utah sponsored "Laugh for a Life" with Roseanne Barr, Pam Matteson, and Louie Anderson at Symphony Hall. And a special banquet at the Chuck-A-Rama on 400 South and 800 East which was the site of Roseanne Barr's first job as a teenager. Conflict in the program arose when APU wanted the Benefit to be a Community event and Roseanne Barr planned only to have the three comedians perform who worked for free. APU had planned that the Lovebirds perform a couple of numbers, the Salt Lake Men's Choir sing five numbers and Eddie Cabey was to sing. Roseanne Barr compromised with APU and allowed the Men's choir, and the Lovebirds to sing one number. Ben Barr Director of APU apologized to the people caught in the middle. The Lovebirds were the first Gay Drag performers to perform at Symphony Hall. Salt Lake Men's Choir sang "What I did for Love. Roseanne Barr appeared with a beehive shaped wig.

Over 100 people demonstrated in St Paul Minnesota to demand that Sharon Kowalski, a Lesbian who suffered brain injury and paralysis from an auto accident in 1983, be allowed to see her partner, Karen Thompson. Kowalski's father had barred Thompson from visiting her

26 October 1987 Monday

I went into work  at Utah Title. All I have to do is cross the street and through the parking lot and in the ack door. I never leave until 5 minutes before I have to be there. We were busy some so I didn’t take my morning break until noon.  I seemed fine at work until at 3 when I came home during my lunch break, and the tears swelled up. I grieved for nearly an hour prostrate on my bed. After work,  this married man named Mike from Kaysville came over wanting to know about Affirmation so we visited until John Reeves came by to pick me up for the candlelight AIDS vigils. I know Mike wanted to have sex with me but I was still hurting from yesterday.  The first AIDS vigil was a private one held at the In-Between with Bruce Barton conducting the service. Then we went to the public one which was held on the steps of the state Capitol. That service was simple and elegant. Actually, quite beautiful until some people drove by and screamed “Faggot Get off the Capitol Steps.”  

27 October 1987 Tuesday

I went to my dynacomp training meeting at 4 that was held at Greenstreet where I had three glasses of wine. I was looped by the time I came home at 6.  During my lunch break I had made some cookies to bring to the Salt Lake Affirmation meeting tonight. John Reeves came by when I came home and we went out to dinner for fish and chips at Skippers. I needed to get some food in me because I was drunk and had to get my act together. John Reeves paid the $20 we needed towards the $25  for Affirmation to be a voting member of the Gay Community Council with three votes. We had a big turnout at Affirmation tonight, maybe 40 people or more. The topic was on AIDS since it was AIDS Awareness Wek.  I had Ken Francis demonstrate the correct way to put a condom on safely. I used my phallic ash tray that Rey Rubio gave me years ago  as the model and we had people practice putting a condom on it. Some people might have thought it a little bit embarrassing  but I said, “Now don’t laugh this may save your life.” As Brooke Hallock  told me that what concerns her the  most about the Gay men’s community is hearing guys say, “I’m tired of hearing about AIDS.”  We had a group discussion how has affected our lives, the false sense of security of living behind the Zion Curtain,  and lastly we ended with  trying to find something positive about this disaster.  Most concurred that individually and as a community AIDS has made  us more responsible in tricking and had given us a sense of family among other Gay men. I think it was a good meeting and we had about four new people show. We also raised a small grocery sack  of can goods for the Cross Roads Urban center. That’s a beginning.  Curtis Jensen wanted to go to the show so he, Jim Hunsaker, and I went the Trolley Corners theater and saw John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness. It wasn’t a very good movie and glad John didn’te want to go with us.  When I came home at midnight, Mike Anderson left a message wanting me to call him which I did. We talked until 1 in the morning about the party we are having this Friday. I think there’s going to be a lot of people coming. I hope its going to be a lot of fun.

28 October 1987- Wednesday

It was a frustrating day at work because the computers were down for most of the day so there wasn’t a whole lot for me to do. I came home during my breaks to cut up the  pumpkins to make pies for Friday’s party. After work I rushed down to KRCL to interview the Lovebirds. Curtis Jensen, Greg Harden and Barry Prindiville were all there  when I arrived so we just had to wait for Becky Moss to get there. Well, the tape I chose didn’t record our first interview so we had to do the whole interview again. In a way  that was a good thing because the second interview was much better. Becky said she had tickets for the Viena Boys Choir so we couldn’t finish the entire show just the interview. We made arrangements to come in next Monday to finish the program before it airs.  I was  home by 7:30 and I called John Reeves to say I was available to go shopping with him if he still wanted to go. Then I also called back this kid named Don who left a message  on my machine who asked me to call him. He needed to talk to someone about being Gay because the Gay Hot Line wasn’t working. We talked for a little bit before John came over and then I told Don that I would like to call him back when I was finished going out with John. He said fine. I invited him to the Halloween Party so he could meet other Gays. Any way John needed to talk as well as being with me. He said he’s going through some difficult introspection about how committed he is to be living a “Gay life Style’ His wife is telling him he’s not really Gay that he is just lecherous  and for him to repent and come back to their marriage. I told him I know how difficult it is having your world topsy turvy. You have to rediscover all you reference points as the old ones don’t work any longer.  Anyway, we went to Mervyns where I saw all these neat clothes on sale but I don’t have any money. Damn.  Afterwards John dropped me back at my place at 9:30 and I called Don back  and we conversed for two hours. He was interesting, articulate, and I think his head is pretty together. He just need someone to talk  about his emerging identity. I hope we become friends.

 29 October 1987 Thursday

I ended up making 12 pumpkin pies out of that one small pumpkin that I cooked yesterday. Geez! I was cooking all day running back and forth between the Juel and Utah Title, baking them for an hour, then taking them out of the oven to cool. I brought one to work for Leon’s staff. In the evening I went shopping for tomorrow’s party. I bought apples which I will bake tomorrow, apple cider,  chips and dip, cool whip, tootsie roll pops and tomorrow I will get popcorn  and the stuff to make  homemade root beer.  While I was out running around, I went up to the U of U and met this sweet  man named Mark. He was so hot to do me that I just let him even though I usually prefer  to give oral.  We made out and enjoyed each other. He wanted me to cum in his mouth  but I wouldn’t saying that it was an “unsafe sex” practice. My conscience  level must be rising. All these  AIDS awareness  programs must be doing some good as I was able to educate my partner  and still enjoy each other. He was a loving man so I gave him a sincere hug and said for him to come to LGSU  some time and I’d see him again. I gave him my phone number also. When I came home I watched Night Court and finished baking all my pies.  Then at 9  Mark called me which surprised me as we don’t know each other well but I think he’s cute. We talked for abut 2 hours  about LGSU and Russ Lane and Chuck Thomas’ Wasatch Affirmation which he didn’t care for as it was too “churchy”.

30 October 1987 Friday

It was a play day at Utah Title as the computers were still down and it being the day before Halloween most people came in costumes. I wore Michael Anderson’s football costume. Troy Nichols was great as a Mormon Missionary.  He cut off his blond mustache and even got a missionary haircut. He also even had missionary name tags made. Jeff came dressed as a “French Maid” and was quite the sensation. Some of us went over to the PUB for lunch with Troy treating me to mine. Todd Evans was grumbling about Troy, all the way over, and he said under his breath, “If you asked me Troy’s gone to far.”  I spoke right up and said “Well who’s asking you?”  Anyway back at work there was an office party at 4 and it was nice.  I brought home a lot of caramel popcorn and  cookies that were left over to bring to the party tonight. After getting off work at 6 I rushed home to load up my Volkswagen  with the 10 pies  that I still had after giving two away, the baked apples, the chips & dip,  apple cider  and candy, along with my Halloween  ceramic  jack o lanterns, ghosts, and skull. It was tiresome loading it all by myself and unloading it but I was in a holiday mood so I had lots of energy. At Mike Anderson’s apartment, I let myself in as he was still at the Salt Lake Acting Company. I strung orange and black crepe paper streamers and ballons over the  portals and covered  the place in spider webbing. It looked really cute with my rubber bats and spiders. John Reeves arrived at 9 to help out and he brought some videos, “Fright Night” and “Gothic”. When Mike  arrived about 10:30, he made the Witches Brew Root Beer using dry ice. People started arriving at 11 from LGSU’s Halloween  dance that was over. I didn’t get to go as I was too busy getting the party set up.  As people came,  I was adamant about them changing into their pajamas or taking the ones provided as this was a slumber party.  Some just sat around in tee shirts and underwear which was even better. We watched Fright Night  first and by 1 in the morning we had at least 30 people or more at the party. I was really pleased by the turn out. A lot of people came who I didn’t even know from Affirmation. There were no heavy drinking, or drugs  that I know of , just old fashion  fun, sitting around eating pumpkin pie, caramel popcorn and watching spooky movies in our pajamas. Around 3 in the morning most people had departed but some die hards like me stayed until 6 before leaving for home in a trance.

Additional Material-

A Women Against AIDS benefit was held at Puss N Boots

31 October 1987 Saturday

I went to bed this morning at 6:30 but only slept until 11 as I had to get ready to meet Michael Elliott with John Reeves.  We went back to my place  which was an absolute sty, after meeting at Burger King. I hadn’t had a chance to clean my place.  I really like Michael who is a therapist and if anymore people call me needing counseling I will certainly refer them to him. In the afternoon while Mike Anderson had dropped by, Bruce Barton called me to ask if I would come down to the church to be interviewed by this man who  writes for the Advocate. He’s doing a book  on Gays across  the U.S.  While visiting with Bruce and this follow, Mike Anderson  who came also, we discussed LDS Theology and how it affects how Gay people are treated in Utah.  When I mentioned  the Purge  of ’76, Bruce Barton  became very somber as I mentioned how my lover Larry Copenhagen tried to commit suicide as Bruce said he had tried to commit suicide also.  Bruce said  that he heard the hospital staff say “What is going on here? This is the 30^th suicide or attempt this month!” It was a terrible time to be Gay at BYU. I added “I do remember a BYU music professor  killing himself”. Both Bruce and I were almost in tears recalling and realizing the extent of the psychological warfare the LDS Church waged against it’s Gay children under Spencer W. Kimball. And they had the gall and blaspheme to call themselves the Church of Jesus Christ. When the interview was over at 4, Mike and I started rushing around to get ready for Halloween. Mike’s mother  lent me her black dress and a lacy black shawl. I had on black nylons that John Reeves to cover my hairy legs, that I had bought earlier. I think I did my makeup fairly well. We then went over to Danny’s place where I brushed out my blond wig, put on false eye lashes, and pressed on nails . I then draped the black lacy  shawl  over my shoulders  and wore a button pin  that read “Honorary Lesbian” that Luci Malin had once given me.  I was not the most beautiful  female in the world but I was passable. When I looked in the mirror I said “oh my God I am my sister Donna”. Michael, Danny, and Steve Brackenbury all went as the Three Witches and they were absolutely terrific. We then all went to the Juel Apartment to wait for John Reevs  who came wearing Mike Anderson’s Sheep costume he made last year. Randy Olson then dropped by dressed as a masked Chippendale dancer. Anyway we then  went to Dan Fahndrich’s party  first to get that obligation out of the way before going clubbing. Everyone agreed to leave the party early especially if I began to get weird with Billy Bikowski being there. We were at the party by 8  and this one guy was dressed in a robe and turban so you could only see his eyes. Someone said  he had sexy legs so he started to strip. I said well,  I don’t know who he is but it’s something Jeff Manookian  would do. Later I found out that it was Jeff. Ha!  Do I have him pegged  or what! I did see Billy lurking in the hall way. He wasn’t dressed in a costume at all.  He saw me with Randy Olsen and I just ignored him like he didn’t exist. I had to, to keep from going bonkers. Dan’s party was okay with lots of people I barely knew, mostly friends of his and Frank Fatah. It also was kind of a birthday celebration as today is Dan’s birthday. We only stayed about an hour and half because we were getting bored and we also wanted to go to the bars to show off our costumes that we spent so much time on. We first went to the In-Between to have a drink but  it was too chilly to be out on the Patio. At ten we had someone sponsor us into the SUN but hardly anyone was in costume just the regular stand and model Gays that hang out there daring any to approach them.  We hoped the place would liven up but it was a different crowd arriving so at 11 we packed up and went down to Backstreet which was way more into the spirit of Halloween and was already really crowded. The three witches and Mr. Chippendale wanted to stay at Backstreet but I was fagging, fatigued from yesterday’s pajama party. John wasn’t have much fun either as he doesn’t’ drink so he took me home. He had a change of clothes in his car so he came inside  and changed He said he was heading down to Club 14 which usually doesn’t get busy until the bars close. I hugged him, sent him on his merry way and finally went to bed a little after midnight.

Michael L. Elliott

Additional Material

Michael Elliott died 22 May 1990 of AIDS at his Salt Lake home. He was born 13 March 1955 in Michigan and received a PhD in Psychology from BYU. He had a thriving practice at the Salt Lake Center for Transpersonal Therapies.   His obituary mentioned  survived by a special friend "Joe' who was Joe Pitti. "Michael was a kind and gentle man who touched and enriched so many lives during his lifetime."   The Utah AIDS Foundation named the Michael L. Elliott Courage Award after him.

NOVEMBER 1987

1 November 1987 Sunday

The day after Halloween is always a let down for me, kind of like the day after Christmas. I slept in until about 10:30 then got up this All Saints Day to go to the U of U to bask in the  sauna. My feet were so sore and I wanted to sweat some. While out I went to Sunnyside Park and met a man there looking fir sex. It's been so long since I actually screwed someone that I had forgotten  how good it feels. After we were  finished, I went over to Michael Anderson's place and helped take down the Halloween decorations and visited some with Shawn Donnelly and Michael. I was invited  to a dinner party but after gong to MCC I was way too tired to go back out. Besides it was cold and rainy for most of the evening. I went to bed early around 10. It was a quiet pensive day for me after Halloween. I was a little moody about Billy also, I think.

2 November 1987 Monday

It was a slow day at work. I came home and slept during most of my breaks. After work I had to get ready to go meet Becky Moss at KRCL to do the show "Concerning Gays and Lesbians". That  was fun to do and I can't believe I'm doing my own Gay Radio program. Geez! I had the interview I did with the Lovebirds air first then a song  by Meg Christensen and then we talked about the AIDS Quilt. Becky said it will be a great show. So I'm quite pleased with my first attempt at doing a radio program. When I came home I called Dan Fahndrich to tell him Becky  wanted him to plan a meeting for all of us and I thanked him regarding his party  last Saturday. I was surprised that Billy answered the phone but I didn't inquire about him at all.

3 November 1987 Tuesday

Brett Spriggs let me have the title to his car now. I said I'd pay him then of the 15th then I'll only ow him $500 more. At Affirmation tonight it was a strange meeting. We reorganized  tonight by having a conscious raising  session. We still decided  to keep not having prayer or observing the Word of Wisdom but the biggest change of al is dropping our nominal affiliation with Affirmation and to call ourselves by a different name. One of the names proposed by Randy Olsen was US which Jim Hunsaker suggested it could stand for Unconditional Support. I liked that but I am a little hesitant and frightened by the break  with the past as it was another  form of closure  for me of my former life. I heard from the group a lot of supportive reasons  why people came to the Salt Lake Affirmation over the Wasatch Branch. A lor of people  said they almost didn't come to meetings because of its association with Affirmation.  Russ Lane really has creative a negative  connotation for the Affirmation brand. 

4 November 1987 Wednesday

At the drop of a hat, I get weepy. Why? Change is all around me. I think giving up Salt Affirmation is affected me more than I realize. It's such a break with the past. It was the bridge between who I was in 1985 and who I am in 1987. I am eating too much as I am just edgy. Michael Anderson said that his friend John Smith who was sleeping with Mike Pipkim last spring has full blown AIDS. John Sasserman is in the hospital also with AIDS. Everyone is dying. 

5 November 1987 Thursday

It's my uncle Milton Williams birthday. He was born in 1935 in Texas. I've been so weepy lately. I think it's menopausal. It showered a little bit in the evening  and it's so dark outside now, Its very gloomy and very fall like with the cool damp weather. I worked on the by-laws  for the new group  a lot today. I do believe we will be calling ourselves Unconditional Support-US. In the evening I went to the Gay Community Council and there we finally adopted a charter for the group with a few minor alterations  promoted by David Nelson and Michael Aaron. They were really making me mad because they were  trying to amend and change the document during this meeting after failing to get their way during the organizational meeting in October. Every change was for their own advantage and self aggrandizement. I was pissed. It wasn't right but fortunately the really big changes proposed were voted down. Satu Servigna, Bruce Barton, Bruce Harmon an I were in agreement on about everything. Randy Olsen came to support our group. Anyway during the organizational reports, I announced that I would no longer be representing Affirmation's interests  and that our group  voted to dissolve our affiliation with Affirmation. Satu later asked me if it was because of Russ Lane and I said "No. Why?" She said that Russ had left a message on her machine saying he was going too ask me not to not use Affirmation's name as part of our group. So I went up to David Malmstrom and asked if it was true that Russ was going to ask us not to use the name Affirmation and Dave said yes" and that there was a heated discussion to that affect and that Russ was told not to pursue it.

6 November 1987 Friday

It was rainy for most of the day. I worked on by-laws of US a lot during my breaks at work. About 8:30 this evening Billy Bikowski called me. It took me by surprise. He called to see how I was. I said to him that he actually  called just to see if I still cared. We talked a little about what happened the Sunday I walked with him to his house in the Avenues and he left me to give all his attention to Rob Ivey and Frank Fatah. I said I needed his sheltering then and he never gave it. I asked him why did he call me. He said because of all that I've done for him and knowing how much I care he said he felt like he ought to. I told him I didn't need him obligatory calls.  I asked if he love me. He said that he  and I look at love differently. I said he didn't have to call me to see if I care because I will always care.  John Reeves then dropped by at 9:15 so I had to end our conversation. It was just as well because  it was going no where. It just made me upset. John and I went out dancing at Backstreet but I was just not in the mood to party after Billy and my conversation. So I asked John to take me home and about 10:30 I tried calling Billy back but no one answered the phone. So I drove up to 12th Avenue thinking perhaps Billy was down in the garage working and couldn't hear the phone. However no one was home so back at my place I tried calling again at 1130 before going to bed. I still couldn't reach anyone. Why did he have to call me and destroy my peace of mind?  What gives him the right to mind fuck me and then leave? Hearing his voice isn't worth the pain. 

                                                            7 November 1987 Saturday

 I was up at 8:30 and called Billy Bikowski. Dan Fahndrich answered and said that Billy wasn't home. So Billy was out all night. I am so sick of his behavior. I wrote him a letter  telling him to leave me alone and to  never call me again. He doesn't want me, doesn't love me,  and what he wants from me I can't give. After writing the letter , I went to 12th Avenue and I Street. I asked Dan to give the letter to Billy. He said he would and invited me in. We visited for about 2 hours  about my support group and about different things going on in the community.  Dan said he really likes the group especially the hugging at the end. He also liked the new name  of Unconditional Support.  I had to leave about 12:30 to meet Dennis Nicholls at my work to help him with his boy scouts earning  their merit badges  by showing them how my computer and printer works, It rained off and on all day. Randy Olsen, John Reeves, and Mike Anderson called me at various times and we talked about what Billy had doing with Jeff Manookian at the Halloween Party, and how they were mad at Billy for letting it happen with me there and at Jeff knowing how I feel about Billy.  I think I felt I was more humiliated  than I realized at the time. No  one has ever seen Billy  and me together where all my friends saw Billy  letting Jeff squirm on top of him. It doesn't matter any more I suppose.  Mom left a message on my recorder saying Uncle Bunch died yesterday  back in Texas. He was Grandpa Williams' brother, Mom also said my cousin John Johnson got married again. I have mixed emotions about calling mom back, I guess I am through punishing her  for not nurturing me when I needed it. 

Additional Material 

Letter 7 Nov 1987

Bill, I don't want you mind fucking me anymore. Don't be calling me again. I don't want to hear from you. I want to see you as little as possible. I don't want to deal with you at social functions. I don't want you dropping  me post cards. I don't want you fucking up my peace of mind again. You say you need other people, well there are six billion people  out there to choose from so leave me the hell alone. I don't need you abuse  any more. I can't take it any more. You won't spend the night at my house  but you will sleep over with anyone else. You won't be affectionate with me in public but you allow all my friends to see  Jeff squirming  on top of you  We have said all there is to say. You don't love me. You don't want to have sex with me. You don't want to be with me. So leave me the fuck alone. I am trying to develop a relationship  with someone new. I don't need you around to play fucking mind games with me. Fuck who you will. Kiss who you want to kiss. Be with whatever type of person you think  will give you want you want. Just leave me a lone. I can never give you what you want. You will never give me what i want. You have added up all my pluses and minuses and I'm red ink to you so just leave me alone. I don't need you to always remind me of my short comings. I am painfully aware of them myself. I need people who see beyond them and sees what a magnificent creature I am. How rare I am. Truly a Pearl of Great Price. I am finding that there ae others out there who can appreciate  all; the beauty that is in me. That I am a sterling friend, loyal mate, an intellectual companion , a creative person, a nurturing soul, and one a hell of a lover, besides being an intimate friend of Jesus Christ. You are so consumed with yourself that you will never  see these qualities in me and the more pity you.  I am too involved in the Gay community, too involved in getting my own life together, and too involved with my friends to keep letting you mind fuck me. You are a very cruel man whether  you realize it or not by your indecision. when  you call me. What you are doing  to me is saying "There's hope for us" when the cold harsh reality is that there is no hope. You will never love me. I will never get you to love me or me you then I despair. I am weary of weeping  I am desperate to stop despairing. I stayed at square one with you for far too long. because I knew at least  at square one we would be together. I am moving  on to square two, I am afraid that means you will be left behind or that you will move to another  that won't be occupied by me. But that is your choice. I am not going into another winter where you are always leave me for someone else. Don't be coming to me  for strokes and emotional support and then  leave me after you're filled, to be  in someone else's arms. Take all that I have or nothing at all. I am a jealous man. I admit that. I expect fidelity and loyalty from those I love because it's so little in return for all that I can give.  So play around all you want Billy. Sample everything thing you want. Scatter your seed from Seattle to Boston if you must but don't be calling on me. The Ben that loved you  has died from a horrible disease, the lack of affection.  He withered and died. Theres no one to call anymore Billy. Someday you will learn that you must take care of the things you love. I am not here any more. Its not necessary to make obligatory calls because Ben cares so much. You just aren't fun anymore Billy. That is the bottom line. There's too much pain Even for me. I can fight longer and harder for anything I believe in more than most people   But I know  a lost cause when I see one. I am a Southerner after all. there's no victories here to be won. You are a no win situation. I am giving up  giving in  because I am given out.  You consume too much of my energy which should be focused  on healing other wounds.  At the beginning of this letter I was very angry because my ego was hurt knowing  you spent the night with some one last night. It doesn't  matter now. Please allow me my freedom. Be gentle and have mercy on me. I never wanted to love you. It just happened . It was a tragedy for the both of us. Please forgive me and please forget me. I'll be okay. I'll serenely fold my hands and wait for them who are seeking me. Goodbye Sweet Williams. Let this ne the last Goodbye ad I hope you find what you are seeking. Believe this one thing. I will always love you.  BEN \

8 November 1987 Sunday

I spent the morning cleaning my apartment  and doing my laundry. Then in the afternoon it was so warm  and wonderful out that I went for a walk. I've been so lethargic  lately mainly I think from lack of exercise. So I walked  up to the Smiths  Food King in the Avenues and bought a few things to make pumpkin cookies  for the Unconditional Support group.  While I was out I saw a man I knew just casually  and he offered me a lift. While driving  down 7th east I spotted Billy Bikowski  walking with ski poles and my heart just stopped . I asked to be let off and Billy saw me and stopped  to talk to me on the corner of 2nd South and 7th East. He said the letter  really hurt him because it was partially true. I said that I have to do what I  have to do to survive. We walked  some more and he said he was going to  hitchhike to Sandy. I said that if he wanted  I would drive him because I did want to go for a drive and  would have done as much as for any of my friends. Truth is I just wanted to be near him but I also said  that I thought  it would be okay to see each other on chance meetings as long as we don't talk about us.  There is no us anymore, I ended up driving  him to Brighton up Little Cottonwood Canyon . he wanted to play in the snow. The canyon was magnificent and it was such a gorgeous day. Billy and I held hands but something i s gone. It's not the same. Back home Michael Anderson dropped by. I was so tired I hardly spoke  to him. We walked down to MCC and Randy Olsen met me there and then he took me to KRCL where Becky Moss, Dan Fahndrich and I taped a show for this Wednesday. Good Night.

9 November 1987 Monday

During my lunch break I came home and made Pumpkin Oatmeal cookies for Unconditional Support. Rick Bauer at work wanted to talk to me today a little about religion. I told him that I practice Christian ethics and choose to believe that Jesus Christ is my God but I am not a Christian.  I received a letter from Dave Malmstrom today. It basically said that Affirmation wanted to work with US within the Gay community. It was a nice letter. Anyway after work I gave Chuck Whyte a ride up to LGSU. It was an interesting meeting but I can't go up to LGSU all the time. It's very draining with all these know it all and angry collegians. I took Chris Brown down to Denny's on 5th South from LGSU and we talked about what is happening in the community. We are both leery of the David Nelson and Michael Aaron duo. We both love Bruce Barton, Steve Oldroyd  tried to be a mediator between Russ and me. I said don't bother. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Billy Bikowski. Even when I don't write about him in this journal it's because I am trying not to. Craig Hunter called me tonight and he managed to buy his house.  

10 November1987- Tuesday

Well the crash of Wall Street caught up with Utah Title, a little bit. We have been so slow lately that they  started riffing  people. Tony Scarborough and Brett Spriggs, Title Officers, were let go.  Also a filing girl and some one that I don't know. I think Brett was let go primarily because he makes too much and his take home pay is $1,100 a month and that was too much I guess.  Also he is going back to school.  So it sends a pale across the morale of the office when people are laid off. However no tears over Tony Scarborough. I was half expecting to be let go myself for being rumored as being Gay. Perhaps the ax may fall yet. C'est le Vie. I typed up my letter to the Triangle  explaining why we took the action we did regarding the change in our support group. Anyway I went to US at 7 and got things ready. We had an estimate 32 people turn out tonight. I announced the new name for the group as US and a new time change in order to facilitate  going to the movies after the meeting. We discussed internalizing homophobia. It was a good meeting and Mark LaMar gave me $20 as part of the money I spent on him for last month's trip to Washington DC.  We raised $10 tonight passing the hat  the most ever we got yet. The money is insignificant. It really is. To me its a measure of commitment to the group as we always say put in what ever you feel you got out of the group. It's an A.A. principle.  Yesterday Chris Brown  related  how Curtis Jensen took about 15 people from the Deseret and Mountain States Conference on a tour of Temple Square. They signed the visitor book  as "dissident homosexuals"  and  were asked to leave. Upon leaving, all these tour guides starting taking pictures  of them for their "report".  Sounds just like KGB tactics. Chris Brown also said you can get a truer picture of a religious organization  by the actions of their guardian. How true. Any way after the meeting John Reeves, Jim Hunsaker and his new boyfriend Wayne Snyder, Steve Brackenbury and a couple of others  stayed after everyone left to visit and shoot the bull. We talked about Gay movies etc. Dave Reed came to the meeting and left with Mark Lamarr. Steve Brackenbury and Danny Keele want to have activities on the weekend as alternatives to the bars. Thats; might be fun. I am tired. I know that I'm doing a good thing with this group and my vision is correct based on correct principles but still with all these good looking men, intelligent, bright, and witty  they all pale compared to my Billy. If Billy walked into the there would be such irradiance. He glows and shines and lights up all my dark corners.  I seem so very tired all the time with out him. When I am with him I have boundless energy. Life seems more abundant and purposeful, by just holding his hand. I am so disconnected  now and everything seems to be in a shadowy  netherworld. Billy doesn't love me. How can all things be right in the world? It's out of sync. The universe is not expanding at its set bounds because Billy threw it out of whack. All things would be put right again, if Billy would come to the one who loves him and would celebrate. How long must I wait? 

11 November  1987 Wednesday-

Could it be a whole month since the March on Washington?  Well there's bad news at work. Jon Butler was laid off. Jon said he knew it was coming and kind of relieved. He was tired and bored  of doing title work. So who knows  maybe it will be for the best. Well an era is over for me. Changes. This old world keeps a turning. Russ Lane and Jon Butler are now both gone from Utah Title. So closes the door on my connections with the Restoration church. It also closes my door with Affirmation. Am I free at last of Mormonism or shall it always ne in my system like D.T.T..  In the evening I went up to Orson Spencer Hall though it was Veteran's Day. I met some one who was cute and we mutually masturbated . I suppose that is safe enough. I'm looking. Always looking. I'm not interested in living a lone after being 10 years married.  I woke up this morning wondering why I don't have someone holding me in their arms? . This evening I worked on compiling a list of  support groups in the community. I called Randy Olsen to see how he is. He said he has the flu and doesn't feel well at all. John Reeves dropped by in the late evening to visit a little. He just got done with a date with Chris Brown.  They went to the Hansen Planetarium’s ZAP show.  John’s going to be ushering  with me tomorrow for Saturday’s Voyeur. Anyway in the news Reagan nominated  a new candidate for the Supreme Court after Robert Bork was defeated.  Reagan withdrew Douglas Ginsberg after it came out that he had smoked marijuana so Anthony Kennedy a judge from California was nominated. I'm not crazy about Kennedy because of his ruling that homosexuals could be kicked out of the navy.

12 November 1987-Thursday

I bought a P.O. Box number for our different Support Groups today. I paid $15 for 3 months. Our address in PO Box 369 369 East 900 Sout Ste 191 SLC UT 8411. I also went to Smiths' and bought a 3 lb can of Folger Coffee for $5.45 for US. I hope that will last us a while. In the evening after work went with John Reeves to usher at Saturday’s Voyeur at Salt Lake Acting Company. Shawn Donnelly and his friend Brent Metcalf met us there and we all  had a really nice time.  The show was cut a little different from last year to allow for a tribute to different songs from the past 10 years and to say goodbye to the Hotel Utah.  That was kind of sad. It really slammed the Mormon Church on that one. But as always the show was joyous, upbeat and wonderful.  Mike Anderson was wonderful as always. 

13 November 1987 Friday

I was paid today and I paid Brett $100, Mountain Bell $75 and Levitz Furniture $62 from my check.  I also went to the Desere Gym for the first time since last September and I bought a membership using Trroy Nicholl's dad's family pln. When I weighed my self I had gained 6 lbs since September. After working out at Deseret Gym, I went with John Reeves to a party this guy named Tom was having.   Steve Brackenbury and Danny Keele were there. We only stayed until about 10 then we went to Your Place or Mine and visited until midnight.  Steve said he is still considering starting a Gay Father’s Group. I hope he does

14 November 1987 Saturday

It rained all day and snowed a little even. It snowed a lot up in the mountains at the ski resorts so Billy Bikowski should be happy.  This morning I walked down to MCC to drop off articles for the Triangle magazine as Bruce Barton is collecting them in his office for Satu Servigna. Bruce and I discussed the Thanksgiving dinner  for next Saturday and also he said that Rob Ivey was going to the Royal Court's Closet Ball, dressed in drag for the first time. That should be interesting to see. I hear that he and David Sharpton are lovers now. What a pair! Anyway in the afternoon I took Troy Nicolls to buy some basketball shoes and then  we went to the Deseret Gym where I worked out again. After taking Troy home, I went and cruised OSH where this guy masturbated me. That is all he wanted to do. It was interesting. Then I went out grocery shopping. It was snowing out but I wanted to buy groceries to make Lima Bea Soup. I just stayed in after that  and watched TV. It was too cold and wet to be running around. 

15 November 1987 Sunday

It was the first really cold day of the season. I didn't do anything all day except lounge around and do some typing. I typed up the month of May when  Bill and I were together. It made me miss him all the more but I realized that we shall never really be together. John Reeves was sort of blue today. I think he always will be blue until he resolves his relationship with the Mormon Church  and thus also with God. He wanted me to go with him out to West Valley but I didn't want to leave the snuggly nest I built for myself on the couch. About 5 , Mark LaMarr  came over on his way to MCC. I hadn't even gotten cleaned up or anything.  He said things seem to be going well for him. He wanted me to go to church with him and I really didn't ant to go out into the cold but I thought I better get used to it.  Anyway MCC was good with Kelly Byrne giving the sermon. It was his first time  and I know Bruce Barton is a tough act to follow but with time and confidence he will be just fine because he is a loving man and has a sincere love for Christ. I sat with James Connally and Mark Lamarr and Kelly had us singing Gospel songs. I left about 7:30 to be at KRCL to help  with Concerning Gays and Lesbians however they really didn't need me. Graham Bell was being interviewed  regarding what he's doing with the mayor office trying to set up a Gay liaison panel.  Jim Hunsaker was at the station as he had just came back from a trip to Pocatello. I asked him why he wasn't at Affirmation with his new steady Wayne Snyder. He said he wasn't interested in anything that smacks of Mormonism. Anyway  I left the KRCL studio on 8th South  about 8:30 and decided to attend Affirmation to make sure the contact information for my community resource is accurate and up to date. I walked into a small rap group led by Tony Feliz talking about guilt. I saw Jon Butler there so I sat next to him. He had shaved off his beard and he looked good without it. Younger. Tony said to me, as I sat down  "We are talking about how we deal with guilt". I said "Guilt? What is that shit?" It was an odd group of people in the group. When the meeting was over, Tony said he felt a lot of anger expressed  here and I said "Good  as that is what support groups are for. To express anger, resentments and so forth  so we can get rid of them. At 9  our group broke up and as I was visiting with someone, Billy Bikowski walked into the room. My heart skipped and I lost control  of my composure and thoughts. Just seeing him has a jolt of electricity affect to my system . I didn't know how to react so I just ignored him. But then I can never ignore him completely. Even my ignoring him  is a subconscious act of interacting  with him. I tried to just  go on with others, visiting, hugging, seeing old familiar faces. Beau Chaine was at Affirmation and Billy spent the majority of his time visiting  with Beau.  I don't know why but I wasn't jealous. I don't see Beau as a threat anymore to my relationship with Billy I guess because I don't have a relationship with him anymore. I talked to some of the guys who came up from Provo . They expressed that Gay people are living in such fear down there. It's just like living with the KGB fearing that someone will turn them into the authorities. I saw Russ Lane and Cory. Russ came  over to the little circle gathered around me and I said to him "Congratulations on your election" He tittered  over to me and I couldn't resist hugging him. I still must have some affection for him. The poor thing. I need to stop running him down . It's not effective and it only reflects poorly on me. In his own demented way Russ is doing some good and God will take care of the rest. I need to get more in harmony with myself, so I don't need to lash out at others  who don't  love me or have a different vision for the community. If God revels in diversity, so should I. Anyway, Billy finally came over to me and we visited briefly. He asked me how I was and I replied, "lonesome". He reached over and stroked my arm and I melted. I then went up and held him and he held me back. everyone else dissolved into a misty haze as I held Billy close to my heart. Later Beau asked Billy if he needed a ride home and Billy said he'd be fine. I asked him if he needed a ride and he said he would like that. Before we left, I saw Duane Dawson who I hadn't seen in months and months..  He said that his lover was in a car accident and is confined to a wheel chair. Duane said he isn't dealing with that at all well  and hasn't had anyone to talk out his grief with. I hope he starts coming to meetings more  We also talked about AIDS. he said he knows so many people who have AIDS and are still sleeping around without precaution or protection. I said well Good Mormon boys won't use rubbers because it's too much like premediated  sex. Anyway I took Billy home and I held his hand and he mine. As we passed this car, Billy said some cute  blond girl flirted with him and I  said why shouldn't she. You're a handsome man. Its to bad she's not riding in a truck so she could see you holding my hand.  At Billy's place, he invited me in so I did. We went downstairs to his room and I sat on his futon and he on his chair until I took him by the hand and said, "Billy come down here and lay beside me so we can talk. So Billy and I laid down together and we conversed about  how his work us progressing. He finished carving his sign for he Wild Rose Bicyscle Shop and for Mrs., Fields' Cookies, up in Park City. The eagle that he had been commissioned  to carve is giving him the most trouble because he has to draw upon his strength as an artist to finish it. We talked a little about his family in New Hampshire and his going home at Christmas for a couple of months. I also listened  while he reminisced about past events  going through some of his old checks he had written. I got to know  Billy even a bit better  tonight. We didn't talk about ourselves and at one point, we fell asleep as it was late. I was going to leave earlier  but Billy had his hand clasped on my arm preventing me so I just enjoyed the warmth of snuggling with him curled up in his arms. However at 1  in the morning I woke up and said I had to go home to sleep. I would have liked to have spent the night but why push it.  It was a sweet, sweet evening with Billy, one of the few, and I am so confused. I love Billy more than life but do I love him more than my own ego? Can I love him pure and chaste from afar? Do I just love him as far as he allows me? I am so confused. Why does it have to be this hard?  He is everything I want. Is he what I need also? God doesn't always give me what I want but he always gives me what I need. It was so much better tonight. No drama. Just sweet caring. Billy invited me to go to Thanksgiving with him at Jeff Manookian's place but I cannot go. I do not trust Billy to protect me  so I won't be having  Thanksgiving this year because Billy won't bet here. 

16 November 1987 Monday

Ken Francis invited me over for dinner at his new place this evening. He fixed lasagna, salad, French toast and a Jello dessert. It was yummy. He also had Ken Bruck, Eddie Muldong and a guy named Tim over. I really like his place. It was so new and modern that it made me want to move from where I am now. It's time. Perhaps by the first of January I'll be in a position to move from the Juel. Over at Ken's we did watch a cute show called Mannequin which the premise was the same as Pygmalion but it was cute especially with a black fairy named Hollywood. I made chocolate Chip cookies and maple nut  oatmeal cookies for US tomorrow. The maple nut cookies turned out to be delicious. I'll write down the recipe so I'll remember it. That's the trouble with cooking off the top of your head as you can't duplicate the recipe unless you write it down.  Cream 1 cup shortening with 3/4 cup brown sugar, 2 eggs plus 1/4 cup of water and one teaspoon of maple extract. Mix in 1 tablespoon of ground nutmeg 2 cups flour, 2 cups oats, 1 teaspoon of baking soda 1/2 tsp salt and 1 cup of chopped nuts. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees Yummy. During my lunch break, Steve Brackenbury dropped by to use me as a sounding board about starting a group up for Gay fathers. It was his day off so we talked  while I baked cookies. When I came home from Ken Francis's place  I watched the last half hour of "Somewhere In Time". I just bawled thinking of Billy. 

17 November 1987 Tuesday

It was a strange kind of day. At noon this guy named George came by wanting to know about Unconditional Support but not really. He was just horny and wanted to trick with someone. I had met him once before up in Russ Lane's apartment and I couldn't stand him then. He's about 60 years old and is a high priest in the LDS Church and to me he  just was slimy and the worse type of homosexual man, typical of that kind that the LDS Church is harping about. He's selfish, in denial about being Gay, and devoid of any conscience saying he just wants to play around. Teh only pity I had for him is that he is what LDS society takes  for a Gay man. Anyway I found myself having little sympathy or compassion for him as he scares me as he is what I am judge against.  Society holds him up and says " see how wicked you are".  Anyway after work, I went down to the Crossroad Urban Center only to find that Michael Ortega was having a  late meeting  with his board. I had forgotten to change the time on the calendar so it really was my fault but still it was inconvenient. However we still were able to met just a little after 7. There was a big turn out but almost an entirely different crowd from last week. I think we had more people this week then last  but with only two new people; Mike Ortega and a lesbian friend of Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez. The topic was on external homophobia and prejudice within the Gay community. The group was so large that it took almost two hours to have everyone given a chance to talk. I was tired and personally kind of bored  by the meeting but I had several people come up to me to say they really enjoyed the meeting. Towards the end, Chuck Whyte came from a Royal Court Meeting to tell me that Bruce Barton wants me to call him tomorrow because he's going to be called away this weekend for an AIDS funeral and wants me to take over the Community Thanksgiving dinner this Saturday at MCC. Ugh! Oh well, it will be just fine. Lots of people have volunteered to help out. Anyway, Billy also came  in during the last few minutes of the meeting.  I just glowed inside when I saw him  show up and felt all warm inside. However he went and sat at the far end  of the room where I couldn't see him. Perhaps it was just as well or all my attention would have been  focused on him instead of the meeting. After the meeting ended, and we were socializing , I was just drawn to go sit next to Billy. I find it ironic that I have all these people wanting me to go to the show with them and all I want to do is be with Billy and he could care less. A lot of people love me and all I can think about is being with Billy. Anyway we did manage to visit a little. He invited me again to have  dinner with Jeff Manookian but I just can't. I love Billy more than life  but I don't trust Billy to protect me. None of those people who will be at Jeff's like me or what I am trying to do to build community. I don't have the energy to even have Thanksgiving without Billy being there.  I only want to be with him. He's my family; my beloved. But I know I am going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone this year. When I drove Billy home, holding on to his hand, I need to be with him some more but he didn't invite me in. He isn't interested in my needs and all he seems to be able to talk about is Scott Wallendorf. They've been seeing each other again. In fact the only reason Billy attended Unconditional Support was to meet Scott Wallendorf who didn't show, not to see me. I was so disappointed , feeling rejected  that I called Billy after I returned home. Dan Fahndrich answered the phone and said that he'd have Billy call me but Billy never did. Just as well. It's my fault for slipping into the madness again. Perhaps it's the holidays fast approaching. Billy doesn't want me , loves me, or even likes being with me except when he needs me to stroke his ego. That can't be good for either of us. This vacillating back and forth between being Mother Theresa and Errol Flynn has got to stop. Either love Billy unconditionally. dispassionately from a distance, or tell him to either get his shit together and make love  or get the fuck out of my life. This middle road is killing me. Billy said on the way to his home that perhaps homosexuality is a test to overcome. Where did that come from? He's still dealing with fundamental issues. How could he ever be happy in love when he still thinks somehow that that love is sinful and abhorrent to God. I said "Billy until you stop letting everyone else tell you what God wants from you and find out for your self you will never know peace."  Anyway I called Ben Barr when I got off the phone with Dan Fahndrich to set a time to meet to discuss the NAME's Project. I think he will be wonderful in helping this get off the ground. On my message recorder I had a message from Kay Wiker. I guess he is in town  but he didn't leave phone number. I hope he gets in touch with ne. I went to bed about 11  still hoping Billy would call.   

18 November 1987-Wednesday

 I had a fitful sleep last night, dreaming about Billy. He was on my mind all night. "All I do the whole night through is dream of you." At 7 this morning I was wakened by the phone ringing. Thinking that it might be Kay Wiker or Billy, I jumped up to answer it. However it turned out to be George! He wants to meet with me at noon again. What for?  I'm going to tell  him off if he comes over  as he is just trolling again. I came home at noon from work to tape record Concerning Gays and Lesbians and at 12:30 George showed up at my door. I was really straight with him. I said  I will not talk sex to you. If you want to talk about Unconditional Support or dealing with being Gay I will talk to you. Otherwise, don't waste my time. George equates being Gay simply with sex only. He only wants to play around and get his jolly's by talking dirty. I told him that he is totally disconnected  from reality. "You are like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; a sweet Mormon Grandpa, High Priest, Pillar of your community ad also a dirty old man".  I said I know you better  than you think and the only reason I am talking to you at all is because I feel sorry for you. But I won't let you use me for your prurient interests. So go jack off and leave me alone."  He seemed a bit repentant so we talked a bit about religion and Mormonism. He's like every other cultural Mormon. I told him I didn't give a shit about Mormonism as a culture. I only cared about the theology once  upon a time but its really faulty to me now. George doesn't believe that Ezra Taft Benson is a prophet of God anymore  than I do. He picks and chooses what he wants to to believe. I said that if he thought that Mormonism is God's true and revealed church then he's in deep shit. I said how can he respect himself or other Gays when he's lying all the time. Lying to his wife, his Bishop, and worse of all himself. God's not fooled. If anything  God is sad that another of his Gay children has been screwed up by the ignorance and prejudice  of organized religion. I told George I think it's sad that you won't probably ever come to terms with who you really  are  in this life time. When he left I hugged him and he asked if he could see me again or call to talk. I said only if you are honest with me. I said George if you come over here lying don't waste my time. I have a lot of people who need me who aren't playing games."  What a weird way to spend my lunch  hour trying to break the facade  of an old troll. In the evening Kay Wiker came by work and I gave him a key to my apartment. He's up in Salt Lake just until Friday because of family matters. He took me out to dinner at Market Stret Grill. I wasn't really hungry so just had the smoked salmon appetizer and drank a little wine and ate bread.  It was neat  to see Kay again. I was going to go to the spa this evening  but instead decide to spend the evening with him. We went to the Deerhunter and I called up John Reeves  to meet Kay Wiker and me at the Deerhunter and he did.  I drank more wine and got drunk and visited with Kay and John all evening.  John and I discussed the possibility of having a weekend retreat and workshop for Unconditional Support next summer.  We also discussed topics for US such as promiscuity, Getting past the Friend Stage, etc.  I should write these topics down as they come to me for future reference.  John took me home about 10:30 and I went to bed. Kay stayed at the Deerhunter and came in about 1:30. I think I have decided to let Billy go. That's what he wants  and if he's still playing around with the idea that being Gay is a sin to overcome. I don't want to deal with that  as its so exhausting. 

19 November 1987 Thursday

I was waken this morning by several phone calls but no one left a message on the machine. When I finally did answer the phone it as George . I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to see me. I said perhaps it better  if he just sees me at US and he said that wasn't his "bag." So I said  "George until you are willing to deal with the real issue here, don't call me or come over anymore. When you are willing to come to US and willing to be honest then we can visit, otherwise, I have nothing to say to you."  I sure hope to hell he's got the message. Kay was gone by the time I came home on my morning break. He left a thank you note. I hope  things work out for him with his family. He looks really healthy. Anyway I typed up the Community Resource  Lists  during my lunch break and I also received a phone call from Mike Ortega saying I had a letter addressed to  Affirmation that was sent to the Crossroads Urban Center. It was a sweet but pitiful letter from a 17 year old Mormon boy from Pocatello who wanted to contact an organization to help him understand who he is. It was a cry for help  and reading it almost made me cry. When I came home from the March in Washington, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to be able to help that Gay Boy who may be from Tooele and Lesbian girl  from Randolph to know they are not alone. I didn't know  I would be hearing so soon . I wrote him back and sent him a copy of the community resources  in Salt Lake City. He only signed his names S.R.  After work I went to Desert Gym for just about an hour. I didn't work out much because i encountered Doug Webb and we visited some. He is so beautiful. I had to meet Ben Barr at 7:30 to discuss organizing the AIDS Quilt project. His family owns the cutest apartment complex on Park Street near Trolley Square.  Anyway we talked about David Sharpton and our impressions of him. We both have negative gut instincts but plan on supporting Bruce Barton who seems to think David's okay. Ben Barr thinks he a flim-flam man and believes that he doesn't even have AIDS. Ben works with AIDS patients which make me really respect his opinion. He said that when doctors here in Slat Lake sent for Davids's medical records from Dallas, David said they were lost.  How do you lose medical records?  Besides Ben said most people with AIDS knows more  about AIDS then most doctors do and David seems to know very little.  Ben thanks he's a con artist. I don't know one way or another. I just have a gut level feeling that he's not all that he says he is. Anyway enough about David Sharpton. Ben and I decided that to get the Utah Names Project going several things have to happen like first contact  San Francisco and get permission to be under their umbrella,  form a steering committee  of individuals of no more than 9, find a place to meet in December, determine how to obtain release forms from families and eventually apply for a grant from the Utah Arts Council. This is the first time that I have really interacted with Ben and got to know him on a personal level. I like him a lot. He's interested in Steve Brackenbury's Gay Father's group because he has two children. So it was an interesting  and productive evening.  My place is a wreck. I don't have the energy to clean it or have the time. I am tired. Hope I am not coming down with a cold. I need to talk to Bruce Barton tomorrow about the Thanksgiving dinner this Saturday that he has turned over to me. 

20 November 1987 Friday

Grandma and Grandpa Johnson were married 66 years ago at Kirkland, Texas. Happy Anniversary. At 11 this morning during my lunch break, I went down to MCC to visit with Bruce Barton about the dinner tomorrow. I think we visited about everything but dinner until the very last. It's going to be a traditional Thanksgiving Dinner . Bruce gave me a key to the church and I said I would come early to get things ready for tomorrow. I think I'm coming down with a cold. After work I  called John Reeves  to tell him that I wouldn’t be going out tonight because I was feeling run down and had to be rested for the big Thanksgiving dinner at MCC tomorrow, but I did go to the gym and sat in the sauna for a little bit and cruised OSH which Ben Barr calls the 3rd Bathhouse. After that I went to Smith's and spent about $20 on groceries for tomorrow's dinner I made the cornbread dressing tonight for about 40 people before I went to bed at 11.  

21 November 1987 Saturday

I had a sore throat this morning but was at the church by 10 to put the turkey in to roast. Kelly Byrnes was there with this Tracy kid in his early 20's setting up the tables.  After getting the turkey in the oven I checked the church's kitchen to see how it was set up before leaving at 11. I told Kelly that I would be back at 3 because there was no reason to start anything earlier than that to get the dinner ready.  So I went home but was too edgy to rest any. Earlier when Kelly was telling me how many he expected  he told me that Billy Bikowski was coming, as he wasn't originally in our group count. That really shook me up and I knew tonight would not be pleasant for me. Anyway I went up to OSH to cruise a little mainly just watching  as I was depressed over the new about Billy. When I went back to MCC  I began to peel 25 pounds of potatoes that I had bought. Kelly had left by then but Tracy and some other young guy named Arthur stayed at the church  but were just driving me crazy as they were more in the way than being of any help.  Finally Chuck Whyte  showed up to help and together we started having fun.  We turned up the rock and roll music just to piss Tracy off who had this delusion of grandeur  thinking he was left in charge. Anyway Shawn Donnelly  came about 4 to help out because he said he hadn't anything to do and he was fun except when he said Billy had called him and wanted to go skiing  with him tomorrow. That was another wound ripped open  and while I was pained, I recovered  quickly as there was a dinner to get ready. My skills as a dormitory cook kicked in . Shawn knew he blundered  when he saw the look on my face then he added saying "don't worry about Billy. I just want someone to go skiing with . He's not attractive to me and after what he's done  to you, I'd never want to get involved with him." That satisfied me a little  but I said "Shawn  don't ever have sex with Billy. You know somehow, someway I'll find out  from my friends and it would kill me and our friendship."  Shawn just laughed and said, "Don't worry. I'm not even attracted to him. After that we all ran off from the church back to my apartment to get some of the stuff I had prepared at home, like two pumpkin pies, the rest of the cornbread stuffing, my electric mixer, and we brought back the wine that Kay Wiker had left me. That was the beginning of my downfall because by 6:30 I was already really tipsy.  When Arthur and Tracy started ragging on me about the way I was making the gravy, I just about had enough and tore them both a new asshole. I was frantic and trying to pull this diner  together and I didn't need the two of them who were doing nothing  but being critical and in the way trying to tell me how to cook.  Other than that I was having a good time with Shawn singing while doing the dishes up and Chuck and I charging around the kitchen bullying everyone too get out of our way.  It was great especially as long as the wine kept flowing. John Reeves came early to MCC also to help with the dinner and it was fun until Billy Bikowski showed up.  I lost my composure and became confused and frazzled as he consume all my energy. He wanted to help  so I had him mash the potatoes with Tracy peering over his shoulder supervising which is all that kid did. I just wanted to be as far away from Billy as I could to concentrate getting the meal ready. He looked so cute and darling in white corduroy pants and maroon colored long sleeved shirt. Anyway when it was time to carve the Turkey in the kitchen, Billy wanted to do that too, so I let him but he wanted me to show him how. I didn't want to be near him but I had fallen under his spell. Slowly  like a hypnotizing snake to a mouse, I was drawn  to him regardless the danger. He fed me some turkey and I him and soon again everyone else slowly disappeared into the mist and there were only Billy and me. During the blessing of the food by Kelly Byrnes, I held Billy's strong hand, all greasy from carving the turkey. I just wanted to hold on to him all night and feed him and pamper him and do my best to satisfy  him. Out in the assembly hall, he wasn't eating so I said go get in line before the food is all gone. He should have had the first and the best. Anyway we had about 50 people attending there or maybe more for dinner. Those I really knew were Curtis Jensen, John Bennett, Jim Hunsaker, Chris Brown all from LGSU, Ned, John Reeves, Shawn Donnally, Brent Metcalf, Don Penrose, Mark Lamarr, Chuck Whyte, Kevin Clark, Danny Brujillo, Randy Olsen and more from Unconditional Support. Dignity had a few people there but the rest were people from MCC. No one was there from Wasatch Affirmation. During the dinner while others were eating, I sat on the kitchen stairs with Chuck Whyte and Don Penrose who were eating and I was drinking wine.  I never did eat dinner as I was too tired and  drunk.  I eventually went and found Billy and glued myself to his side, very possessive and protective. I probably was making a love sick fool out of myself because i couldn't keep my hands off from touching his arm. The dinner had begun at 7 and I have absolutely no idea what time we left but I was there to help make sure everything was cleaned up and put away. After the dinner was over some people wanted to go dancing at the Sun.  We agreed to meet at my place then decide what to do.  Shawn Donnelly drove my car home because I was in absolutely no shape to drive.  John Reeves took Mark Lamar, Billy and I and I made sure I was in the back seat with Billy. Billy then asked John to drop him off at 4th South because he wanted to go to the Deerhunter.  John said that he’d just drive him there.  At that moment my world came crashing down  all around me. In front of my friends Billy again was rejecting me.  I pathetically asked "What are you going to find at the Deerhunter? Do you think anyone there will love you as much as me? Go find your fucking cowboy to tie you up."  Billy replied "Are we going toto be throwing bards at each other?" I was too drunk, too despondent, to destroyed to respond. When Billy got out of the car I cried out  "you son of a Bitch." I couldn't believe he was leaving me and I sank down in the corner of the backseat and went numb. I just shut down all my senses to keep from screaming from the pain of a broken heart. Mark Lamar and John both helped me into my apartment  where Randy Olsen ,Shawn Donnelly, and Brent Metcalf had already let themselves in.  I stumbled into the bathroom curled up on the floor and began to sob. John, Mark and Randy came in and I just cried in their arms.  They had me come back out into the front room where I can’t remember what happened next except they said I laughed and visited before passing out on the floor.  I vaguely remember Shawn, Randy and John kissing me as they left.

22 November 1987 Sunday-

It was a gloomy, overcast and snowy wintry day. I had such a fitful, restless sleep last night and I had a hangover headache that would not quit. Maybe a little from the wine but I think mostly  from the  strain from the emotional beating. I had a strange dream and when I woke up I was thinking I am so sick of being abused. It's time to let go. I wanted to go soak in a sauna today but after going outside and seeing that it was so nasty out, I decided to just stay inside all day. I watched one of my favorite movies "Harold and Maude" in the afternoon and it made me do a lot a lot of thinking on what I want from my life. Especially  when Maude is dying and Harold said  to her "I love you" and she replies, "that's wonderful Harold. Now go and love some more" That really hit me hard as  that is what I must do. I loved Billy and now that that's over I must let him go and love some more. Theres' so many in need of my love. So I got up and decided to go out and see people. I went over to Mark Lamarr's place on 1st South  where we watched what I had asked him to tape record for me and also to assure him that I am okay. Then at 5 I called John Reeves back, and we visited some. He had called me concerned about my mental health. We talked for about two hours  and one of the things he said was that many of my friends are jealous of the energy that Billy exacts from me. He said that they wouldn't care if I was getting anything out of it but they could see  that my vitality is being sucked away into a rat hole. It's true, Billy was taking me away from my friends and commitment to building a community. I just stayed home for the rest of the evening and watched a little TV. I had a terrible headache all day. 

23 November 1987 Monday-

I was so drugged out today with my cold. I had no energy and I felt miserable at work. I just went home during all my breaks and slept as much as I could.  John Reeves says I have a stress cold.  He said that a cold attacks when the body is weakest and he said after Saturday its no wonder that I am sick. If I had AIDS I know Billy would have killed me  by now. I didn't want to, but I had to go to a KRCL's Concerning Gays and Lesbian Planning meeting up at Dan Fahndrich's place in the Avenues. There were just  Antonia Dela Guerera, Becky Moss aka "Mickie" Dan Fahndrich aka "Jason" Donita aka "Michelle and me at the meeting. I am the only one who doesn't use a pseudonym on the show. Beau Chaine bowed out of participating  because of his health and his catering business.  Chip Prince also didn't show up and I don't think he is committed to the program. I think it will just be Dan and me for the guys. Anyway Billy Bikowski was in the kitchen doing the dishes and walked back and forth several times in the hallway, I think for my benefit.  I just looked the other way and it did not bother me. At the meeting we worked out a schedule for December and January. 2 December "interview with Wasatch Leather Men and the Community Calendar- Hots Mickie and me; 9 Dember Outdoor Recreations vs, Indoor Boozing. Hosts Jason and Antonia; 16 December Winter Solstice and Hanukkah Host Mickie; 23 December Homosexuality and the New Testament, Christmas Greetings Hosts Michelle and me.; 30 December New Year Resolutions Are they Worth It Host Michelle' 6 January Year in Review Host Mickie; 13 January Predictions for 1988 Hosts Full Staff; 20 January Black Awareness; 27 January Wasatch Affirmation, Ground Hog's Day and Gays Hosts Mickie and me.

24 November 1987 Tuesday

I am still feeling blah from my cold but I am getting better. After work, Shawn Donnelly dropped by before US and we visited a bit about last Saturday. I sat him down and had a father to son "Facts of Life" Gay talk about his attraction to Brent Metcalf who is dating Don Penrose. Don had called me on Sunday all bummed out about how Shawn treated him at the dinner. So Shawn and I  had a talk about commitment, loyalty and maturity in Gay relationships. I said that its only because I love you is why I am bothering. Shawn said that he's confused about his feelings and I said that he better cool his jets and make up his mind before he ends up getting burned by both Brent and Don.  Anyway Shawn helped me set up for US. I had baked 40 cupcakes for the refreshments. We started at 7 and I had the group get down on their knees  and form a circle giving each other a back massage. I did that to lead off the discussion on "Holiday Blues". i said that during the holidays, Gays suffer a sense of isolation and by reaching out to one another to comfort each other, we can collectively over come holiday induced depression. The gist of the discussion tonight was dealing with family  during the holidays. Gays have a heterosexual family as well as a homosexual chosen family and conflict  arises trying to appease both during the holidays. Most people in the group felt like they didn't want to be with their biological  families but felt obliged to go home and it's usually a really bad experience.  We had about 35  people attending tonight and after the meeting sone made plans to  have an Open House  this Thursday Night at Shawn Donnally's place for those of us that need something to do in the evening with other Gays on Thanksgiving  . Steve Brackenbury said he talked to Michael Ortega about holding Gay Father's meetings at Cross Roads. 

25 November 1987 Wednesday

I made four Pecan Pies and four chocolate meringue pies for Thanksgiving tomorrow, I talked with Mark Lamarr about getting together tomorrow to cook the Turkey that he got for the dinner. My cold is breaking up really fast finally. Afterwork, John Reeves took me out to dinner and to a show tonight.  We had Mexican food at a place where Utah Holiday Magazine said they had the best Chili Verde but it wasn’t as good as La Paloma.  We went to West Valley and saw Adventures In Baby Sitting. I saw it last summer and loved it so I wanted John to see it also. I didn't stay out late because of having a million things to do tomorrow. It was supposed to have snowed tonight but it didn't. 

26 November 1987-Thursday

  Thanksgiving Day and I am thankful that I lived through it. What a day. I woke up at 9 and then called Mark to get him up  and to say I'd be over by 9:30 to pick him up and take him to Mike Anderson and Shawn Donnelly's place on 7th East and 4500 South at the Brittany Apartments.. There he was being so prissy and driving me nuts. Perhaps because I was on edge and not feeling well myself or maybe because of thinking about Billy. I thought about him a little bit this morning, wondering what he was doing for Thanksgiving and whether he was happy or not. Then I just  through myself into what I had to do today. We had made two pumpkin pies, 4 pecan pies, 4 chocolate pies with whipped cream, chocolate cupcakes, candied yams, mashed potatoes, cornbread dressing, regular bread stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy, turkey and a shrimp salad. There were lots and lots of food. Mark was acting like this wonderful chef when I just wanted him out of the way so I could get the work done. He didn't even know which way the turkey should be roasted for God Sakes. He had it upside down. It's one thing to not know how and ask and another to act like a know it all. Upside down is okay if you plan on just carving it up before hand but not for a presentation However his intentions are as good as gold  even if he was driving me nuts in my very small kitchen. Why are Gays such prima donnas about cooking?  Well he spent much of the day out of the way tape recording  porn while Shawn Donnally who spent the night at Mike's place went to the Spa.  Troy Nicholls folks wanted me to come join them for dinner and I couldn't say no so I went off to Troys and also dropped by Brook Hallock's and Nancy Perez for a bit. At Troys, they  were dealing with some sad news as Myra's sister had a stroke yesterday and is dying. They were still having dinner but by 2:30 I said I that I just wanted to drop off a pecan pie and that I had to go see some other friends. So from there I went over to Brook's house  and brought them a chocolate pie. I was surprised that I was they only person there. Nancy explained  that they had changed their dinner plans to 4 and that Brook was in bed not feeling well. I am so glad I went with my gut instinct and did not have a major dinner at their place as they had wanted. They are sweet women but I would have been frazzled!! I stayed and visited a little with Nancy about the Harmonic Convergence  which I said I thought was silly and somehow we got into a discussion about paganism.  I said that it amazes me that so many people were reverting  back to the blood thirsty  gods and goddesses of the ancient world. I didn't know that Nancy was a Pagan herself. I knew Brook was. Anyway it was just a friendly disagreement but really I find it alarming that Gays are fleeing the Christian God  rather than flocking to him. Anyway Curtis Jensen and Joe Dewey showed up  at Brooks  so I left. I went back to the Nicholls because by then I was really hungry myself and I knew they were kind of disappointed that I hadn't stayed longer. Myra out did herself and everything was wonderful. Troy had his girlfriend Wendy over and it was a nice diner with sweet good people, I stayed until about 4:30 then rushed back to the Brittany Apartments where I tried to take a little nap until 5. The  I was up to help Mark pull dinner together by six. John Reeves came by Mike Anderson’s apartment with a vegetable tray.  He said  he spent  a quiet day at home visiting on the phone with his kids.   I felt a little guilty today as I didn't call any of my folks in California. I guess I am not done punishing them for last Christmas. Really mature Junior. I wonder what ever happened to Junior? Is he still in me somewhere? Anyway about 6, people started dropping by and John and I went back into town to pick up Danny Keele. Steve Brackenbury came by later.  We had somewhere between 15 and 20 people  at the party off and on. They were Chuck Whyte, Don Penrose, Shawn Donnally and Brent Metcalf, Michael Anderson, Marl LaMarr, Joe Dewey Curtis Jensen, Randy Olsen,  Mark Lutske Brinkhaus, Danny Keele, Steve Brackenbury John reeves, Kevin Clark, and Danny Brujillo. and John Reeves that I can recall off hand. Curtis Jensen said the dinner at Brooks was a dud as nothing was really prepared.  Four or eight other people  breezed in and out that I didn't get to actually visit with. Shawn had three gallons of wine and Danny brought anther gallon so the wine was flowing all night and we all were mighty drunk.    The porno flicks were put on after we watched Victor/Victoria  and while some watched the pornos others played the game Scruples. It was a wild fun night with lots if food, wine, and fags. Randy Olsen brought with him a  "friend" he met about two weeks ago named Mark Friedhelm Lutke-Brinkhaus.  When he walked into the apartment, I thought "omigosh" He was so striking looking, tall, blond and masculine. Mark Lamarr immediately attached himself to him so I just smiled at him and kept my distance. It wasn't until we were playing Scruples that I found out he had a German accent as he was visiting from Germany. After we were done playing the game , I went over to visit with him and he said he's from Freiburg, Westphalia in West Germany. He was  here in Utah working as a research scientist up at the University. I found him so bright, clever and interesting. He was a philosophy  major before he got his PhD in bio-chemistry. So he's not one dimensional. I have this thing for Germany people anyway. We talked  for most of the rest of the evening together and I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He was so fascinating. However at on point I became  concerned that perhaps I was only smitten because he some what resembled Billy and I was on the rebound. Later I talked to Mike Anderson about it and he said not to even think like that. He said that I just happen to have a type I am attracted to and not to worry whether he looks a little like Billy or not. That helped me. We all got pretty drunk on wine all night and John took off about 1:30 and others drifted off and away at various times. Danny Kele passed out on the couch. Curtis Jensen was glued  to the porno movies. Don Penors was heart broken over Shawn and Brent being together. I could tell that Kevin Clark and Danny Brujillo wee uncomfortable together as their relationship was unraveling. John said  feels that he’s in a state of limbo, not free to be yet who he is going to be in the Gay Community. Randy Olsen was so drunk and while Mark Brinkhaus was wanting to be with him, Randy was acting all cavalier and not interested. When Mark Lamarr started getting too affectionate with Shawn who was drunk, sleep,y and almost passed out, Randy chided him and played the dad. He told Mark that it was inappropriate  and he would regret it in the morning. Mark got mad at Randy which I suppose he had the right to be as it was none of Randy's business  but Shawn's, however I am so glad he did since Mark was out of control, drunk and horny. Earlier in the evening, Shawn was stroking my beard saying how soft it was and it turned him on. I took his hand away gently and said, "Maybe Brent will grow you a beard." There's no way in c\good conscious could I've taken advantage of Shawn but it made me more concerned about Billy and Shawn going skiing  and doing things together. If Shawn gets drunk enough because he's young and horny, will he do something with Billy? It would kill me to find out that Shawn and Billy ever had sex. The disloyalty would kill my friendship as well. In truth, Shawn's pushing it even going anywhere with Billy. I don't understand how he can anyway, knowing how I feel. How would he like it if his old boyfriend and I started running around together. Anyway I talked to Randy a little bit about his relationship with Mark Brinkhaus. He said  he doesn't know how he feels about him and what might develop between them but he's not in love  right now. He said he's really not attracted to guys who are taller than he is.  I said well I really, really, really like him but I don't want  anything to come between our friendship. He said to go ahead and date him if I wanted  and I said I feel kind of guilty because you brought him to the party but I would really like to know this man. 

27 November 1987 Friday

I found Mark Brinkhaus by himself and off and on  until the wee early hours of the morning, I went and laid in Mark's arms  trying to listen to him talk and to sleep.  Finally there were just Randy Olsen, Mark Brinkhaus, Mike Anderson and me still up.  All the others had left or were sleeping in various places. Randy and Mark left at 6 and I stayed to help Mike Anderson clean  up a little. The place was trashed and there was no call for it.  I was kind of mad because people should be more responsible. Anyway I left and went home at :7:30. But what a party.  I hated driving home as it was so cold and my windows were frosted over. . Thank goodness I didn't have to be at work until noon because of some vacation time I had left.  This morning when I  got home I found a note beneath my door from Billy Bikowski. It was strange and cryptic but basically said he wished me  a Happy Thanksgiving. I was so upset by it that I called Mike Anderson who advised me to ignore it. Then I just fell into bed. However I just slept through the day as much as I could.  Around 1 in the afternoon I looked up Mark Brinkhaus' phone number  and called him. I was really nervous about calling him and was pleased when he acted glad that I did. I asked him what he likes to do and he said he likes to go dancing so I asked him out on a date or Saturday. However he said  he would be doing something with Randy Olsen so I asked if he would like to do something on Sunday instead and he said sure. I was just about walking on air then.  Anyway after work, Shawn Donnally called  and said that I didn't have to come to the Brittany like I wanted to help clean up  as Mark LaMarr, who had stayed,  had cleaned the place up himself.  Both Mike Anderson and Shawn thought the party was a great success and wanted to have a Christmas Eve party at their place. I said that would be nice.  I then went to the Deseret Gym  and worked out until  8 when John Reeves came over to my place. He wanted to go out dancing  so we to the Greek Souvlaki on 3rd West to get a bite to eat before going to the SUN. I told John about the note Billy had left me and he said not to let it pull me away from my feelings for mark Brinkhaus. I really think the note was more to salve Billy's conscience  than meant for me. It was kind of dull there so we went down to Backstreet and danced a little. However by 10:30 I was really, really tired  from lack of sleep so John took me home where after being out with John, I called up Billy. He thanked me for calling . I thanked him for the Best Wishes and asked if he had a nice Thanksgiving and he said it was nice and that he ate his fair share down in Provo. I was reserved and finally said, "Well I'll let you get back to your show", because I was satisfied that the note didn't mean a thing. I went to sleep dreaming about Mark Friedhelm Lutske Brinkhaus/ Brinkhaus

Added Material

Ben- I don't care who hates who, who sleeps where, who says what, what says who! Where who goes  where or what ever. This holiday won't go buy without a warm greeting, no matter what. From me- to you Happy Thanks giving Billy

28 November 1978 Saturday

I didn't wake up until 10:30 this morning and then decided to try and clean my apartment. I scrubbed the bathroom, cleaned the bedroom, did up all the dishes and mopped the kitchen. I also vacuumed the front room.  I worked straight through until 3 in the afternoon when then I decided to go to Deseret Gym to work out. It felt  pretty good to be stretching and exercising. I stayed until 5 the drove down to 7th and 7th to get a $3 haircut. I hadn't had one since the 1st of September. Anyway John Reeves called and said that Randy Olson wanted us to meet him and Mark Brinkhaus at the SUN. So I wanted to get a haircut and start cleaning up a  little. I need to drop some wight and stop mopping about Billy. Mark sure has replaced him on my mind. Well I typed a little tonight while watching Facts of Life, 227, the Golden Girls and Amen before John Reeves came by at 9. We picked up Chuck Whyte along the way and went directly to the SUN. There I danced some with John  but mostly  looked around for Mark Brinkhaus. He was supposed to have been there at 10 and I thought with Randy but instead Randy was there with some guy named Keith. I was so confused but secretly delighted  because I would not have been with Mark if he was on a date with Randy  if that makes any sense. Suffice it to say, I saw my chance and seized it.  When I spotted Mark I was glued to him all evening. John reeves left about 11:30 and I think primarily to throw Mark and me together because he asked Mark if he would take me home. He said sure. Anyway Mark and I danced a little but the dance floor was so hot that I began to work up a sweat but then so did Mark. I hate sweating so much as I am so self conscious  but what the hell. So I am not Tyrone Powers. Anyway I saw Curtis Jensen and Greg Harden at the SUN. they were excited about having a Gone With the Wind Theme Party. We have to set a date right away so people can prepare for it.  I could tell that Mark was disappointed a little in Randy for not paying him more attention because I think  Mark is attracted to him. However I was just enjoying being with Mark. The SUN closed at 1 so I asked Mark if he would like to go Denny's for Coffee  and to visit  a little more. he said sure so we went there . Going in some guy was looking for a fight and kept thinking we were talking about him. Talk about being paranoid I finally had to tell him that we weren't talking about him at all if anything we agreed with him that Utah is a fucking state. Anyway Mark and I ordered  and visited  until 2:30  with me finding more about him ad his life.   He's a German research scientist on a grant from the German Government. I think he's so  fascinating. When we left I asked him of he'd like to continue the conversation and he said at he hoped that I wouldn't be angry if he just went home. I said of course not. I just like you and wanted to continyue our visiting. I tried to mask my diappointmnet. Anyway in front of the Juel Apratment, I said Are you sute you wouldn't like  to come in fro a little bit and he said, okay.  We visited some moe until about 3:30 and then hge said he had to leave. I was being very obvious that I liked him and I was slightly hurt/disppointed that he left without a kiss or anything. I felt a little rejected and just went to bed feeling kind of low. I need to find out how Mar reaklly feelis about me. I can't fall in love againm with someone who doesn't love me amd I do think I am falling in love with Mark. I felt ir when I first saw him at Thanksgiving. 

29 November 1987 Sunday

I had too much coffee  and was tossing and turning all and couldn't sleep when at 4 in the morning I had a phone call from John reeves needing my help. He had locked his keys in his car and was stranded at Club 14 after they closed. I said I would be there as fast I as I can. I pulled on some clothes and drove down 2nd South to 1400 west to retrieve John. he said he was so embarrassed and I said, "oh don't be What are friends for?" so I took him home to my place and he slept on twin bed . We talked a little about Mark and Gay life in general. I said I don't know what to do about Mark. Anyway about 5 o'clock we drifted off to sleep.  John and I started stirring at 9 and I wasn't nearly ready to get up but I had to take John home to his apartment  to retrieve an extra set of keys and then go back out to Club 14 to get his car. John was so grateful. I said just pass it along. I was home by 10:30 and tried going back to sleep but different people kept calling so I really didn't  get anymore rest. Besides Mark was still on my mind a lot so I wanted to call him to find out what is going on with him  as we had planned on doing something this Sunday anyway. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he did so we decided to walk through Memory Grove up through City Creek way up behind the city. I had a wonderful time walking with him and we discussed all sorts of things. He said I was the first American he felt like he could really talk to and then I was just walking on clouds  being with him. I had asked John this morning  whether it was obvious  that I liked Mark and he said  Well let me put it this way. When Mark walked into the SUN and you saw him, you face lit up like the Christmas lights on Temple Square. I used to feel that way about Billy but Mark makes me forget completely about Billy. When I am with Mark I am so excited to be with him that he makes me forget everything else. Anyway we walked from about 2 until 4:30 so it was a nice hike and the weather wasn't too cold. My feelings for Mark kept me warm. When he took me home, I asked him in for some dinner and I fixed him the rest of the split pea soup and hotdogs with sauerkraut . We visited some more until 6 when he had to leave. But before he left I asked him if I could kiss him and he said sure but then said that to be honest with me  he's still hung up on Randy Olsen. I said Randy was a wonderful man and to go after him but if things don't work out I'll still be here. I hugged him goodbye and it felt good. I had a wonderful day.  I don't know what will develop between mark and me but it's so wonderful just to know that I can love again like Maude said "Go and love some more". I feel somewhat free from Billy as I am really infatuated with Mark Brinkhaus "meine Liebchen" shoen freud. Well I watched a little of Walt Disney  before going down to KRCL to do a program with Beck Moss. We had a potpourri  show because  we couldn't edit  Greg Garcia's tape. So we talked  about community events and played Diedre McCalla songs. I just love here music. We were at the station until 9 and Becky asked me to be her unofficial assistant producer  for the show because she knows I am reliable and we get along great.  I said I would be happy to do so. She also asked me aso to go with her to Weber State College this Wednesday  to talk to a Sociology  Class on Homosexuality. After all that I didn't get home until after 10 because I had to do some grocery shopping. Before going to bed I  talked with both Don Penrose and John Reeves who had both called  while I was out. Don was blue about Shawn  Donnaly from  Thanksgiving .Well he's young and so am I . We have  our whole lives ahead of us to live, live ,live! I must be in love. 

    

30 November 1987 Monday

 It was payday and last day of a strange month. The most important thing that happened to be us that I met Mark Friedhelm Lutke Brinkhaus. How will that affect the month of December. The adventure is about to begin. I was paid at work $494 and went to the bank on my break. After paying rent and the IRS, I'll have zip to live on. Oh well. I called Mark Brinkhaus and asked him to go with the me and the LGSU hikers down to Provo to go to the Diamond Fork Hot Springs next Saturday. He said "sure" so I am excited about that. Today is Leon Lawson's 34th birthday. He's the one Title Officer I like who likes me at work. He heard me asking Mark out on a date while on the phone and he's been teasing me all day. He said  "You don't say, 'I was wondering if you like to go out with me.'  You say 'Let's do something."  He can't get over hearing a man ask another man for a date. Anyway after work, I stayed  home and watched TV  while I made cookies for US tomorrow. While typing, this guy from Provo named Ron called me . He said that "Mark" gave him my number. Anyway I thought he was friend of Mark Brinkhaus because he talked with an accent. Then it dawned on me that the guy isn't foreign at all but just had a speech impediment. He wasn't calling about US but rather just wanting to have sex with someone . Just another closeted Mormon. The poor thing was lonely and horny in Provo. I called Mark Lamarr up and said  next time someone calls you on your trick line don't refer them directly  to me. If they want to know about US, my number is in the Triangle Magazine and can get it from there. Anyway Mark says he's in love with someone he met on his trick line. Mark what am I going to do with you?  I called Randy Olsen up later and we talked a little about Mark Brinkhaus and Randy said that usually he's not attracted to men taller than he is and I am. Mark is at least 6 feet 2 inches. So maybe? However I've got to let Mark get over Randy and let him make some moves on me of he's at all interested . I can't overwhelm him and smother. Geez I think I love Mark Brinkhaus so I am as bad as Mark Lamarr. 

DECEMBER 1987

1 December 1987 Tuesday

It's  my nephew James Edgar Wach's 19th birthday, born in Artesia California when I was 17 years old. Nineteen is a good year. At that age I was so in love with John Cunningham and attending Cypress College. My niece Denise Elizabeth Wachs is 16 years old born on October 22nd, Grandpa Williams' birthday. My nephew Michael Louis Wachs is 12 years old  born on January 14th. My other two nephews are Kenneth Thomas Paine Jones age 11 born August 27th and Kevin Lewis Oakes Jones age 8 born November 1st. These are my parent's grandchildren and probably all they ever will have. Anyway, Randy Olsen called me at work about 9:30 to tell me that Mark Lamarr called him and chewed him out about last Thanksgiving. I told him about Mark's schizophrenia so that he could understand him a little better  and not take what Mark says too personal.  I asked Randy to be on the Names Project and he said he would. Great.  After work Shawn Donnelly  dropped by my place before going to US. I fixed him some pizza and we talked a little about last Thanksgiving. I said that I had talked to Mark Lamarr and he said that he went to John Bush's party last Saturday where several people were having sex. I told Mark that I don't sponsor sex parties and I wanted to make it clear to Shawn that while we may be using his apartment for US parties, they are not to be  a "sex party'.  If people want to have sex they can go somewhere else. I said I really didn't think it was appropriate that he and Brent Metcalf had sex in his room while people were at the party.  Anyway enough said. Steve Oldroyd also called me today about collaborating on compiling on the community organizations list. I need to get back to him on that.   John Bennett left a message about the Community Council. I haven't gotten back yet with him either. Graham Bell left a message saying he was going to drop a proposal off to me about the Gay liaison  he is proposing for the Mayor office. Anyway Shawn drove me to the Crossroads Urban Center  and the topic tonight was on health and nutrition to build up our immune systems.  We had about 30 people at the meeting and I liked the topic but some were probably bored hearing about AIDS.  Anyway I was delighted that Mark Brinkhaus came to the meeting. Actually I was thrilled to see him. After the meeting was over some people wanted to go to the theater and see "My Life As a Dog" at the Blue Mouse. So I went with Mark, John Reeves, Shawn Donnelly, Richard Morris and Garth Chamberlain. I sat next to Mark of course and held his hand throughout the movie. I jut loved being with him. We all loved the movie which was about a young boy growing up in Sweden in the late 1950's. It was a sweet film. The show lasted until 10:30 so afterwards, Mark and I went to see the lights on Temple Square. He was amazed by them and I was enchanted just being with Mark. We talked a little abut Mormonism which he knew nothing about . I said I don't believe in it anymore but I still am a disciple of Jesus Christ trying to free the captives and bind up the broken hearted.  Anyway it was a magical enchanted night with mein Liebchen. When he took me home, I asked him in and we broke open a bottle of wine. We talked and kissed until 3 in the morning. We talked about so many things and it seemed so easy to converse with him. I just find it so hard to believe he's German and I'm American. Hitler was a complete asshole to pit we two people against each other. Mark is fun, witty, bright, intelligent and handsome. However he's also just coming to terms with being Gay. His birthday is February 16. Alas also he's still infatuated with Randy Olsen. I said that he needs to talk to Randy, face to face an really communicate his feelings to him. I told him that I want him to be happy and hopefully happy with me. I said I would love to make love with him but I said I don't think either one of us is ready for that yet.  I said "I really like you Mark, and if I had sex with you, it would push ne right over the edge into totally love and commitment and I can't go through that again until I know how you feel about me. Sex is one thing but love is another. The next love affair I have, I want two people involved  instead of just one" It was 3 when Mark left with us both sexually frustrated. 

2 December 1987 Wednesday

Randy Olsen called and woke me up at 8 this morning, calling to visit. He said he slept through "Unconditional Support" as he thought it was a boring meeting.  He said that Mark Lamarr called him to talk to him about last Thursday. I wish they would let it go. So I hope they talked out some of their misunderstanding. I told Randy how Mark Brinkhaus said he felt bad waking him yesterday and how we spent the evening together but didn't do anything but kiss. I told Randy that he needs to talk to Mark Brinkhaus face to face to work out their relationship instead of stringing him along as Mark is still hung up on him. Anyway I was tired all day at work but at noon I was able to come home and nap  after listening  our radio program on KRCL.  In the evening right after work, I rushed over to  Becky Moss's place and drove up with her to Weber State College to  discuss homosexuality with a class  on Human Sexuality and Development. There were five of us altogether, Ray Hencke, Glen, Becky, and a  lesbian named Chris, and me. Both Ray and Glenn were older Gays  either in their late 50's or early 60's and were really out of touch with the Gay community of 1987, I thought. To me they were perpetuating certain stereotypes of shame and guilt. Ray had been an activist ten years ago and both he and Glenn had been married like me but were now in Gay relationships unlike me. Chris had been married for 3 years before coming out and her experiences were similar to mine. She had a lot of guts because she had been a student in the class and now she was openly declaring she was a lesbian. Nealy 50 students participated and we were frank and open. The students voiced a lot of common misconceptions such as that homosexuality is a only a behavior, a choice, some thought it was unbelievable when we all said we knew we were homosexuals from as early an age as early as 2 and 3 years old. However they were a pretty understanding group. They only issue I had was with Ray as when I was discussing the analogy of being Gay in a straight world to being a stranger in a foreign land  in which one had assimilated but still always feel different from the natives., as I was speaking, Ray curtly cut me off and said "You talk to much."  However I went on to address another student. I was really hurt  and angry but at the same time maintained my decorum. I thought why give the old bastard any notice and continued to be myself. I did not have to validate that I talk too much as I am an educator, and was being professional. I was instructing and trying to make a point not just rambling. Anyway he's just an homophile old bastard. Later Becky tried to gloss it over  by telling me how much Ray had done for the community  by answering the Gay Help Line for so many years back in the 70's. Well maybe he did it for humanitarian reasons or maybe he used it as a trick line, I don't know, but unless he apologizes to me I will never do anything with him again.  After the program, I had several students come up to me and said they liked my analogy and I almost said, "Too bad I didn't get to finish it", but I didn't as it was more important to present  a united front. After I came home I had another phone call from Graham Bell but it was too late to call him back, So I called Randy Olsen and we visited a little. He said that Steve Brackenbury had called him and told him that I went out with Mark Brinkhaus so the rumor  mill is starting to turn on. Randy said he called Mark to invite him to Community Council tomorrow but Mark said that he had a friend from Germany coming over that evening. So Randy and Mark are going out Friday instead and then Randy is going to tell him  that he just wants to be friends with him and doubts if a serious relationship would ever develop between them.  Randy said he thought Mark and I would have much more in common. I said I don't like this craziness.  I'm infatuated with Mark. Mark is infatuated with Randy and Randy feels for Mark  what Mark I think feels for me, just friendship. Oh well. Time will tell and we are going hiking this Saturday together. I need to calm down and not seem so "desperately seeking Susan."   I then called John Reeves after Randy had to leave for his graveyard shift at work because John wanted to know how the panel discussion at Weber went. I said fine except for the old bastard Ray Hencke trying to silence me.  We also talked about Mark Brinkhaus and me. John said he thinks that Mark is more responsive to me than I realize and is a far better catch than Billy Bikowski. He said he may go hiking with us this Saturday if he's up to it. Sound like fun. So I went to bed at midnight, thinking about Mark Brinkhaus. The Triangle Community Digest is out now and its a wonderful edition. Satu Servigna needs to be congratulated for a splendid job she is doing  taking over the old Triangle from John Sasserman.  I had that last of my journaling account of the March on Washington as well as the Names Project, Unconditional Support and my letter to the editor was in it. I am thinking about writing full time for Magazine. I have been reading Sir James G Fraizer's The Golden Bough. Very interesting.

3 December 1987 Thursday 

 What a day! In the afternoon I called Mark Brinkhaus up to visit and asked him if he had a way to the airport when he leaves for Christmas. He said he didn't so I said I would be glad to pick him up and take him, he said that he would appreciate that. I'm glad. Tomorrow Randy Olsen is going out with Mark to let him know he him only as a friend and that's all. Only time will tell how that will affect Mark and me. Saturday Mark and I are going hiking.  Anyway after work, Mark Lamarr came over to my place and we walked  down 6th East to MCC to attend the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah at 7. Today was the first anniversary  and I bet we had at least 45 to 50 people there. Because it was the first anniversary, refreshments were served  and it was then proposed that refreshments  be served at all future council meetings. Anyway Curtis Jensen grabbed me immediately and asked  If I was going to vote for Graham Bell's proposed liaison committee with the mayor office. I said I had considered it. Then he told me that Bruce Barton resigned from the committee and that was enough for me to withdraw my support. Certain people in the community are like weathervanes to me and from them I can see which way the wind blows. I trust Bruce Barton  and Satu Servigna to be my weathervanes and both of them have serious problems with Graham's proposal, basically  because of the non-parity and sexism within the qualifications  for being appointed to the liaison committee. My main problem  was its lack of accountability to the Gay Community council of which they say they are representing. I don't trust David Nelson at all and I think he's the  deus ex machina behind Graham Bell and the whole outfit.  I think he's still upset he didn't get his way at last Octobers organizational meeting.  Anyway the discussion went on until almost 9:00 with accusations flying left and right about Graham Bell's veracity  and other issues. It was very heated and emotional. John Reeved observed that what Graham Bell was really seeking was validation as person through his plaintiff appeal to the councils emotions. John Bennett the Chair was steamed when Lyle Bradley over rode his motion to table the debate and allowed the bickering to continue. I went into the church's kitchen with John Bennett and Ben Barr and I thin we persuaded John to go back in and empower himself  with our support. I was so mad that we spent 2 hours with Graham monopolizing the meeting and the total lost of control of the chair and the lack of respect of his position. I finally had enough and stood up and yelled "Fuck it! Graham if you want our support , you have to have respect for the rest of us here You were allowed a half hour to present your proposal but have taken  more than two hours! Nothing is going to be solved tonight if you continue and I resent like hell individuals monopolizing  our time for which I just paid $25  for Unconditional Support  to interact with other organizations not to hear you pontificate  all night long." I was so upset. Graham Bell was then told just to read  his proposal and not to editorialize on it and then we finally  voted on whether to endorse it or not.  Eleven votes were for the proposal and twenty-two against with four abstaining.  Unconditional Support was unified  with John Reeves, Randy Olsen, and I voting nay. The Lesbians in attendance, MCC, the Desert and Mountain States Conference, LGSU and the Restoration Church also all voted against the proposal. Delegates from Affirmation and the  AIDS Project Utah, were split. The Royal Court, Beau Chaine's Cabaret Corp. and all the individual activists were for it. I was disappointed that Mark Lamarr also voted in favor of it but that's democracy.  I think  Graham lost because how could he hoped to pretend to represent the interest of the community when he tries so little to compromise? Everyone, I think, wanted a Gay liaison to Mayor dePaulis, which wasn't the issue. It was Graham's criteria  for who would be appointed  to the committee by him and having just the one token lesbian.  Anyway  it was after 9:30  when we finally got on to the agenda of organizational reports. Beau Chaine said the Gay Help Line needs $250 to stay  operational during the holidays. He had wanted  all the organizations  and businesses  to give him $50 each  to keep the Help Line going.  I said I don't understand  why if the Royal Court, a fund raising organization, is willing to fund the total cost, why does he insist that the support groups like Unconditional Support, LGSU, and Affirmation, which  barely support themselves, pay for the line when the Royal Court is willing and set up to do so.  I resent him always pressuring these support organizations for money especially as they are struggling just to remain vibrant. So I was the only one who abstained from voting for funds for Beau.  Beau also said that Aardvark Cafe was sold on the first of December  but will operate until December 31st. The only thing left will be his catering business out of  the Cabaret Corp. Well that was $200 I gave him to buy his business license last year for a community center down a rat hole. We voted to give him $75 from the council and the Royal Court said they would raise the rest.  Anyway we finally got to organizational reports about 10:30 and I was steaming. I said that last month I proposed moving reports to the beginning of the meeting and it was tabled and then it was left off the agenda. I was at the time assured that reports would be allowed no later than 8:30 and here it is now after 10:30. I demanded that it be placed on the January agenda  to place organizational reports first on the list and then I took my own God Damn time rather than be rushed through the reports as I had to cover the Name Project, U.S.  and Concerning Gays and Lesbians' upcoming events for December.  It was after 11 when we all finished up the meeting as it was so out of control. I hold Lyle Bradley and Graham Bell personally responsible for letting the individual activists who represented no one but themselves dominate the meeting.  Anyway John Reeves, Randy Olsen and I went to Dee's on 4th South to unwind. Jim Hunsaker, president of LGSU, and Lyle Bradly feeling contrite joined us. I like them both but I thought they were totally  lacking support for  John Bennett as chair. However I think the meeting tonight put a nail in the coffin of the individual activists trying to run the community instead of the organizations within the Community Council. It was nearly midnight or after before I was able to go to bed. 

4 December 1987 Friday

Mark Brinkhaus and Randy Olsen are going to talk tonight and I'm scared as my feelings for Mark are deeper than I want. In the evening, I went over to John Reeves place on Redwood Road off of I 215  to watch a movie and have dinner. I've been so tired all day because Randy called me at 6:45 this morning. We talked until 8:30 when I had to get ready for work. I've been dragging ass all day. At John's, we watched Diabolical and discussed forming a caucus to make sure  what happened  yesterday never happens again. We then talked about Christian ethics and John loaned me his copy of John Boswell's "Christianity, Social Intolerance, and Homosexuality". When I came home I began reading it and it was almost 1 before I was able to put it down to get some sleep. I didn't want to be dragged out for tomorrow's hike with Mark Brinkhaus . I wonder what Randy and Mark resolved tonight if anything. How will it effect me? I've got to stop thinking about this man so much. 

5 December 1987 Saturday

I had a fitful sleep thinking about Mark Brinkhaus and about how our relationship will be going after today. I was up at 8:30 to shower an get dressed. I was still really tired but was running on anticpated energy. Anyway I drove up 5th South to 11th East to Mark's apartment where he was almost ready. We vested some in his spartan apartment. I am really hung up on this guy. I asked Mark if he wanted too go see My Beautiful Launderette at the Union Building after the hike.  Jim Hunsaker and the others said they were going at 9 tonight, He said he did. Anyway about 10 we drove up to the parking lot behind OSH to meet those going on the hike.  The only ones who showed up were John Bennett and Jim Hunsaker however we met Don Penrose and Adrian on the way down. The 6 of us went in Don's pickup. The ride was long but I enjoyed  being in Mark's company so much that I didn't mind. We drove through Spanish Fork Canyon then up this winding road called Diamond Fork. I really didn't know where we were  however  it was a beautiful drive and a beautiful day. It felt more like late September than early December. It was almost warm out. However the trail was muddy from the snow that had melted. On the hike, I was getting so many mixed signals from Mark that I was so confused. It was like he was with me but wasn't. Anyway at the Sulphur Hot Springs, it was rustic and secluded. Two guys Robert and Bruce were already at the Springs . There were  others, some straights  who were in a different  pool at the springs from us but it didn't prevent us from skinny dipping,  all but John Bennett who was too shy. Finally I got to see Jim Hunsaker's infamous tattoo. However all my focus was on Mark without trying to be totally obvious. He was so beautiful and I thought how can he ever love me? Especially if he's physically attracted to Randy. I tried not to think about it but rather just enjoy the moment in the hot springs. There was a cold waterfall with a small enclave where one could sit  and go from hot to cold. I suppose it was therapeutic. It was interesting skinny dipping in the "forest primeval." We stayed until about 3:30 then we left to head home. We stopped at  some hamburger joint at the Mouth of the Spanish Fork Canyon where Robert loaned me a dollar, as all I had with me was my check book, so I could get a drink. John Bennett has a crush on Don Penrose so I pushed them together at the table. John was so dense he thought I was just being pushy. Anyway on the trip home, I curled up in Mark's arms and tried to sleep some. It was 7 before we reached the OSH parking lot.  Mark and I went home to change out of our muddy pants. Then I went to Smith's to cash a check for some cash. Back at the University we waited at the snack bar in the Union Building for the others. I had called John Reeves at his place  to ask if he wanted to go with us and he did.   I really didn't care that much for the movie but then I was tired and had a fierce head ache probably from lack of sleep.  I held onto Mark's hand all throughout the movie and he had his arm around me When the move was over, Mark drove me home and I asked him to come in but I was sort of glad when he said just for me to go get some rest . I felt like my head was splitting, probably from lack of sleep and fumes from the hot springs. I am really tired from the hike also but I had such a wonderful time with Mark but I am as confused about us as ever.

6 December 1987 Sunday

This is so hard to write and I feel really stupid but I tried to kill myself today. What precipitated all this is after having Mark Brinkhaus over for a German Sunday dinner, he gave me the "lets be friends" speech I heard so many times from Billy Bikowski. As Mark was telling me  that he just wanted to be friends, I was the one consoling him. Saying it was okay but whose consoling me? Whose taking care of Ben? It seemed so true at the moment then that  I am not loveable. I will never find love and I  swore to God that I would never be so vulnerable again, to love some one again.  After Mark left, I went to my room and I thought my heart would burst wide open, so I had to do something to stop the pain. I just wanted to die and leave it all behind, Billy, Mark, my unsurmountable bills.  Life did not hold any hope or joy anymore for me anymore.  I know that Mark did not precipitated  this but he was the final straw which John Cunningham and Billy  so carelessly piled on my back. I am simply not worthy of being loved. I am never  going to find love. Oh God just let me die or take away this constant pain I am under. With Mark the pain of Billy not loving me went away, but now it's back with a vengeance. I needed to shut down the excruciating ache in my heart.  I wonder what is across the dark vale. I want my Savior and I want to go home. Why do I have too stay  when I want to go home. I didn't want to blow my head off, mutilate  my body or jump to my death. Why can't have I have sodium pentanol like Sam and Toby? What am I doing here but just marking time?  I do feel my soul is still my body's prisoner and my punishment  is to live." I had tried to get enough courage to cut my wrists but was too weak so I took pills.  All I had in the apartment was cross tops and aspirin so I took a bottle I had of them but threw them up. I then called Mike Anderson and Shawn Donnelly answered who said Mike was  doing a double show of Saturday Voyeur. I then told Shawn what I did and he raced over here with Brent Metcalf and then he called John Reeves.   I had already thrown the pills up when Shawn got here. I felt so ashamed, stupid but in so much pain. My mind had shut down as I think I had a mental break down.  I was so tired of the pain and the rejection that I just wanted to die and join Sam and Toby who loved me so unconditionally. Both Shawn and John who came quickly, stayed with me until I drifted off to sleep induced by the stress, pain  and the residual effects o the pills. All evening John, Shawn and Randy Olsen were calling to check in on me. Randy came over about 10:30 this evening and stayed with me until 1:30 in the morning. I don't remember much. I was so groggy and depressed. John wanted me to see Michael Elliott and I said I couldn't afford it now with paying the IRS and my bills. I said that I felt like God had abandoned his promise  not to let my heart break. I sang the old hymn "I cannot bare these burdens alone". I love the Lord too much to place them on his over burdened shoulders but I may have to. Satu Servigna the sweet thing  called me about 10 not knowing what I had done earlier. She called me to write for the Trangle so I guess there's still a reason for me to be here. I agreed to and asked her to consider running on a John Bennett/ Satu ticket for January's community council ticket. They are so many good people in the community but they will muddle on with me or without me. 

7 December 1987 Monday 

Well the world wags on. Gorbachev and Reagan are meeting today in a summit to eliminate intercontinental nuclear missiles. I hope it's a good thing and will help.  I heard an analogy that the Unites States and the Soviet Union are like kids  in a gasoline filled basement arguing who has the most matches. Perhaps the summit will take away some of the matches. I am so spaced out today from yesterday. I am only functioning on two cylinders and my battery is corroded. Troy Nicholls must have sensed something was wrong as he was very concerned about me at work. We talked a little about what I did yesterday . Troy said that to remember I am loved. Rick Baur even asked "What's wrong Ben, you are not your chipper self" and I said I ran out of chips.  On my breaks I came home and slept a lot today. I had an enormous headache and still feel like I am beaten up. Maybe I am like a Timex Watch "Takes a licking and keeps on Ticking" I just want to encase my heart in a stone box where it feels nothing at all. After work John Reeves wanted us to go to LGSU so I went with him and the topic was on "Bi-sexuality". They mostly talked in clinical terms  and did not discuss the political ramifications nor the emotional impact of belonging on a sliding scale of sexuality. My only contribution was saying that if society didn't have a problem with non normative sexual behavior no one would care to create all these categories like bisexuality.  However our society is sexist and racist perhaps not as much as before as no one uses the terms Mulatto, Octoon, or high Yeller anymore . Perhaps the day will come when no one cares if you are Gay, non Gay or in-between. Anyway towards the end of the meeting, Mark Lamar and Ken Francis showed up. Somehow they heard about yesterday and came to see how I was and to say they loved me. I had to leave before I started crying again. I asked Ken  if he could run the US meeting tomorrow and he said he would try to be there. John Reeves took me home and I told him, I will be okay. If this depression lasts any longer than a week, I will try to seek professional help,  but allow me first to try to bounce back on my own." It was 10 when I went to bed but Mark Lamar called to visit. He said he heard about yesterday  from Ken Francis who heard it from Ken Bruck who heard it from Kevin Clark who heard it from Danny Brujillo who heard it from Michael Anderson. Oh Geez! I might as well had put it in the Triangle  The rumor is I tried to kill myself in with Nyquil. Geez. Mark Lamar mostly wanted to talk about himself, who he is tricking with, his "Bill" calling him yesterday and his attempts to "off" himself. I just let him ramble on and on until 11:30. I then said I was really  fatigued and I let him go. I know Mark cares but I also think yesterday was just a juicy bit of gossip. I wrote an article for the Triangle on Concerning Gays and Lesbians today and called San Francisco about the Names Project. The Quilt will be going to 25 cites with the closest one to us being Denver in April. I talked to a man named Jack and he seemed a little patronizing but I let him know that we will be participating  in the Quilt project one way or another. He's going to send me information on the Quilt. They are in the process of displaying it in San Francico at the Moscone Center so they have been super busy. Well I have been bust too. I'm so fascinated by John Boswell's Christianity, Social Intolerance and Homosexuality that I can hardly put it down. Its a good form of escapism from Mark Brinkhaus.  

 

7 December 1987- Graham Bell said he has drawn up a hate list of people he will never talk to anymore. Some of the people on the list were Satu Servigna, Brook Hallock, Lyle Bradley, John Sasserman, and I’M sure more.  I may be on it.  Last Friday John Sasserman had a letter to the editor in the Salt Lake Tribune lambasting Graham Bell saying that he’s never been an editor of the Triangle Magazine.  Now Chris Brown says Graham wants to sue The Tribune, John Sasserman and The Triangle for besmirching his reputation.  Graham said that he is willing to meet with Donny Eastepp regarding the mayor liaison issue but he said that if he’s attacked personally by anyone he will walk out.  David Nelson and Michael Aarons have boycotted the whole idea of reviving the issue.  Chris Brown also said that Sharon who was to be on the committee said now that she would never serve with Graham Bell and feels betrayed by Graham Bell’s sexism.  Ben Barr said he also felt set up by Graham Bell when Graham told him in effect to him, ‘If you play your cards right I can get you on the committee.’ Satu called Graham an ‘ass hole’ to me privately last Thursday because of David Nelson’s dig at Satu about it being impossible to get anything in the Triangle. Satu said that David’s articles that were suppose to be news items were so bias that Satu wouldn’t print them without serious rewriting which David wouldn’t do nor resubmit them as letters to the editor.  I told Chris about supporting a John Bennett/Satu Servigna for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah and he’s very receptive to the idea and forming a caucus to promote organizational interests over the individual “activists”.  Chris said that LGSU turned down Beau Chaine’s request for funds for the Help Line.  I’m sure Unconditional Support will do the same. (155)

 

8 December 1987- Unconditional Support discussed the topic Promiscuity and Being Gay facilitated by Ken Francis. “Most people basically said they saw nothing wrong with it as long as people practiced safe sex and it didn’t interfere with a relationship.”,(155)

 

8 December 1987- Greg Stanger began compiling a record of Gay organizations in Utah on a computer disk. (155)

 

9 December 1987- The Utah Department of Health’s Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) Advisory Committee recommended a contact tracing process of sex partners in order to receive 1988 AIDS Control grants fund. (83)

 

10 December 1987- Laura L. Ferreira  contacted the Names Project Utah wanting to do something for two of her Gay Friends, Michael and Alan , who were lovers and died of AIDS (155)

 

10 December 1987- Bruce Barton and Ben Williams met to coordinate holding dances at the RMCC to be co-sponsored by Unconditional Support, Wasatch Affirmation, and LGSU. (155)

 

10 December 1987- “Bruce Harmon told me a piece of news that floored me.  After January 1st Backstreet will close! That makes me sad.  I had a lot of good memories there.  What happened was that Wirth embezzled $100,000 and he told Mac Hunt that if he doesn’t press charges he wouldn’t turn Mac in for numerous municipal business ordinance violations.  Mac wouldn’t drop the charges so Wirth went to the different city zoning offices and turned Backstreet in for back taxes, parking violations, construction permits, etc. so Backstreet is in such a hole they will have to close according to Bruce Harmon. (155)

 

13 December 1987 “Laura (Laura L. Ferreira) called me again about the Names Project just excited about a fund raising idea she and her lover Terry came up with.  Terry is a co-owner of a water slide in Ogden and she wants to have an all Gay day there where half the funds will go to the Names Project Utah (155)

 

15 Dec 1987- Unconditional Support showed the Video The AIDS Show brought by Chuck Whyte. The AIDS Show is a theater group from San Francisco  which dealt with the AIDS crisis in humorous skits and monologues. (155)

 

18 December 1987- Ralph Goff, a professional journalist who worked for the Washington Blade became the Managing editor of the Triangle Community Digest with Satu Servigna owner and Executive Editor. (155)

 

18 December 1987- Unconditional Support  co-sponsored a Christmas Dance with LGSU (83) About 30 people attended.

 

18 December 1987- The Gay Help line was reconnected by Beau Chaine. The phone number was the only number listed in the white pages under the word Gay. (84)

 

19 December 1987- FUSION created by Ben Cabey performed at Backstreet. (155)

 

22 December 1987- Unconditional Support Christmas Party hosted by Mike Anderson with about 40 people attending. (155)

 

23 Dec 1987- Concerning Gays and Lesbians topic Homosexuality and the New Testament Ben Williams hosted show.(155)

 

23 December 1987- John Bush hosted a Christmas Party and showed a video on The March on Washington (155)

 

24 December 1987- Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church held a Christmas Candlelight service from11 p.m. to 12:30  a.m.

 

25 December 1987- Ronnie Love Carver age 40 years original owner-manager of The Blue Horizon in Ogden died of AIDS. Had operated the bar for five years. He was a vet of the Viet Nam war. Michael Burton, Larry Hall, and Dallas went into a brief partnership as owners of the Blue Horizon (154)

 

25 December 1987- Ladd Christensen age 24 employee of the Sun Tavern committed suicide. (155)

 

25 December 1987- Mark LaMar stabbed 3 times with a six inch butcher knife by his ex-wife. “When he left the Christmas Party he went to his ex-wife’s to see his daughter Jackie.  There she stabbed him 3 times with a butcher knife.  He ran to a 7-11 with her chasing him with the knife and there a cop saved Mark’s life.” (155)

 

29 December 1987- Unconditional Support discussed the highlights of 1987 with people stating that these were the most important events of the year: The March on Washington, The Affirmation Conference, Gay Day at Lagoon, Gay Pride Day, and the dances held at  RMCC. (155)