1986 age 34 & 35
January 1986
1 January 1986 Wednesday
As this New Year begins I am thirty-four years
old and still working for Utah Title Insurance. I live at 1320 Roberta Street
in Salt Lake City at a house that Fran and I rent for $450 a month. Our heating
bill is almost half that a month and without Fran really making any money we
are having a hard time paying the bills. Fran is working at Taylor Maid in the
Cottonwood Mall doing acrylic nails. She only made $80 the entire month of
December. Needless to say, it is not real lucrative. I have two dogs, a black
Labrador named Sam, age ten and a Dingo mix named Toby, age six. We also have
three cats, Killer, Baby, and Jack. The dogs are my babies and my life or at
least they are giving meaning to my life. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I want
out of life. Where am I going? I am going to be thirty-five soon, the middle of
my span of years and I feel like my life is passing me by. What will this New
Year bring? I haven't been to church since coming back to Utah last August. There doesn't seem to be any answers
there anymore. I’ve got to have some answers soon. I heard a woman at work say
that her mother said to be careful of what you do on New Years Day because you
will spend the rest of the year doing the same thing. I don’t know if this is just an old Mormon wives tale or
not but I certainly hope there is no truth to it because I don’t remember ever
being as sick as I am today, A few days after Christmas , Fran became really sick with the influenza
complicated by bronchitis and she became really dehydrated. I let
myself become run down taking care of Fran
who had to stay in bed or be
hospitalized. Our house is so drafty and cold that I began to ache and get
feverish. I then caught a bad cold.
However, the worse part of being sick
was the sore throat from the mucus
draining down my throat. I was so
sick that I went to the emergency room
however the doctor said he couldn’t give me any anti-biotics because I
have a cold virus. He did give me a prescription to help with the drainage so I could get some
relief from the sore throat. I wish he would have coated my throat. Needless to
say that Fran and I spent the entire rest of the day in bed, barely able to get
up to go to the bathroom and take care
of our animals. Fran and I both agreed that if either one of us really became
terminally ill we would not want anything done to prolong our lives. I told
Fran wanted to be cremated rather than have a big funeral. The one good
thing about it being January, the weather is supposed to start getting warmer
into the thirties. All through the month of December it was in the low twenties
and an inversion kept the month
overcast, foggy, and cold. The snow on the ground just won’t melt. I am
really upset over the death of Ricky Nelson in a plane crash on New Year's eve.
I kind of grew up with Ricky Nelson watching him on Ozzie and Harriet. I didn't call anyone to wish them a Happy New
Year. Really don't know anyone anymore. I just laid in bed trying to keep warm
and suffered.
Additional Material
Gay and Lesbian students at the Utah Technical College on Redwood Road attempt to organize a Gay student union.
AIDS Project Utah hired Carol Ellison, a psychiatric nurse to conduct a day training program in basic counseling. Duane Dawson organized the Salt Lake workshop based on the Shanti program and was attended by 15 people.
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 14, which says that leaders should be ordained only to that which they have been sustained as. Apostles are all prophets, seer, and revelators; church should prepare for missionary work; Elder Mark D. Bluto is to give dedicatory prayer.
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 55, which rebukes him for drifting from his covenant, calls him to repent yet promises forgiveness, recommissions him as a bold “Holy Witness,” warns against voices that would divert him, and assures him that if he teaches fearlessly the Lord will open audiences for his testimony and fulfil every prior promise. (1)
2 January 1986 Thursday
I didn't go into work today. I was still too
achy from the cold or flu virus. Fran is slowly getting better by me pouring
Gatorade into her to keep her from dehydrating. My throat is really raw and
hurts even to swallow. Ouch. It was supposed to have gotten up to 40 degrees
today. The house is absolutely scummy.
3 January 1986 Friday
I tried going into work today not that I was
feeling any better but I thought I ought for appearance sake and we really do
need the money. It was snowing lightly and when I got there I felt so out of
place. Bob Elcock my supervisor hadn’t come in and the others didn’t expect me
in so I asked my boss, Bob Spriggs, if I could
go home if I wasn’t needed and he said certainly. So, I went back home to get some more rest. Fran and I are much better but still exhausted from the beating we had taken from our viruses.
I am still breaking a fever and ache in
all my joints and muscles. In the news President Ray-Gun is sending our war
planes and ships to Libya in retaliation to the terrorists’ bombings in Rome
and Vienna last month that killed several Americans. I am too sick to worry much about it. On New Years day
I would have said let them blow me to Kingdom Come and I wouldn’t have cared.
It would have been a relief. What really bothers me is my terrible sore throat.
Although it snowed lightly this morning it did get up to 40 degrees today and
the inversion is gone. It's about time. I hated December. It was such a
wretched month.
4 January 1986 Saturday
I am still breaking a fever all night long. I
am just drenched in sweat in the morning. I must be as sick as is Fran. We are
such a mess. Two waifs in this big city on our own. In the afternoon felt well
enough to get out of bed and fix us some supper. We have been shut ins for
nearly a week because of this cold and flu. It had at least that for Fran with
her flu. Poor old Sam, he had his black butt kicked so much this week for just
being his usual obnoxious self that he is starting to feel insecure. He's such
a bed hog and he's getting so old that he just won't move and he gets all the
covers. Toby is so much better because he just rolls with us and goes with the
flow. I paid our rent today of $450 and I have to pay something on the lights
and gas or they may be shut off.
Additional Material Number One song on National Charts is “Party All The Time" by
Eddie Murphy
5 January 1986 Sunday
I am just as sick as ever but will go into
work tomorrow. I have too. We need the money. Fran is not as deathly sick as
she was last Sunday.
6 January 1986 Monday
No Entry
. Additional Material Cory De Young, an employee of the narcotic division of the SLC police
department claimed that Joe Redburn, owner of the Sun Tavern, referred De Young
to a drug dealer. Redburn claimed that he was out of town on that date and De
Young a former felon was not telling the truth. Incident sets off a vice Squad
raid to close down the Sun Tavern. Redburn dismissed De Young as a thief and a
liar. “I like Joe. But drugs are getting so bad; people are dying right and
left, and you don’t ever hear about it really. It’s too bad that he’s involved
because he could definitely run a nice club.”, stated Cory De Young. Joe
Redburn stated, “I didn’t know my employees were dealing in drugs. They all
signed a paper before they worked here that says they will not sell or use
illicit drugs and will submit to a lie detector test if asked.”
7 January 1986 Tuesday
Today is our 9th Wedding Anniversary but we
just stayed in bed and toasted each other with non-alcoholic wine. We were still
too ill to do much else.
8 January 1986 Wednesday
My boss Bob Elcock changed all our desks
around at Utah Title and placed me at the computer terminal permanently since I
am the only one in the office that has any experience with a computer and I
know nothing but the little I learned at Ticor. I don't know how it will work
out but at least I don't have to answer the damn phones anymore. I really don't
like my job but it does pay the rent. Maybe it’s the weather that's gotten me
down.
9 January 1986 Thursday
Today is John Cunningham’s thirty-fifth
birthday. Happy Birthday to you even after all these years. I didn't get to
send John a card for his thirty-fifth birthday but I did think about him a lot
today. I am still in love with John after all these years. Those feelings never
go away. I wanted to send him a card but I couldn't find my old journal from
last year that had his current address in it. I guess I could have called
information in Oceanside and get his parent's address but I really didn't want
to talk to him but rather just send him a card. The sound of his voice is too
hard to listen to sometimes as it brings up too many memories. This morning at
7, Mom called me from California just to visit. She said that Dad has been sick
with a cold since Christmas, so I guess this virus is going around every where.
James was sick with 103 degree fever
too. Mom said that she’s still out of work and probably won’t go back to work
to the same outfit that laid her off. Dad has a job in the City of Industry
doing the same iron work as he as doing at his plant in Downey that shut down.
She said its about a 25 mile drive for dad so they are thinking about moving to
La Habra to be a little bit closer and renting out their house. Fran is feeling
much better now and basically is over her flu. She is getting her third
interview with FHP, Family Health Plan,
today ad she thinks she might get hired there. She wants to quit Taylor
Maid as she isn’t making anything there. That would be great if hired because it’s just across from where I work.
Tomorrow we are going to look at a house down in Cottonwood Heights where some
woman Fran had met at Taylor Maid is selling a house on contract. Fran has the
house buying bug again. I really don't want to buy a house yet. Don't know why.
The weather has been cold and foggy again. It's terrible. It's only thirty
degrees out and there's still snow on the ground from last November. I wish we could get over our viruses
immediately. Maybe it’s just the weather that has gotten me down. I am tired of
not having any friends.
Additional
Material Farrell R. Hurst age 33 died of suicide. He was a founder of a Gay
support group called Fifth Sunday Group. Born 23 September 1952 in Delta, Utah.
Graduated from East High. Received a degree in music education from U of U.
Attended Musical Academy of the West in Santa Barbara. An accomplished
violinist and organist and skilled at home restoration.
10 January 1986 Friday
No Entry
Additional Material The Salt Lake Tribune featured an article on Clair Harward. “Mormons
Excommunicate Repentant AIDS Victim Clair Harward- A homosexual dying of AIDS
convinced he would “go to hell” and needing spiritual guidance said he
confessed his sexual preference to his local Mormon bishop and was
excommunicated. Ogden resident, Clair Harward said doctors have told him he
only has a few months to live, but he will die a non-Mormon because the church
will not consider whether to readmit him for another year. Mormon bishop Bruce
Don Bowen confirmed Harward was excommunicated and was asked not to attend
church because of fears he could spread the disease AIDS, which is spread by
sexual contact, largely among Gays. Bowen said Harward was excommunicated because
the church believes homosexuality is an abuse of God’s gift of procreation. “We
are forbidden to take life- except where the government does in cases of
capital offenses- and there are great restrictions and guide lines on
procreation which hold men responsible on how they use the gift”, Bowen said.
“A sexual relationship within marriage is appropriate for men and women in His
sight. Otherwise, it is a sin second only to murder in seriousness.” Harward
said he was diagnosed in 1984 as having AIDS and that he recently went to the
church seeking guidance and spiritual comfort. “there was just so much guilt,
”he said. “I was going nuts and I was convinced I ‘d go to hell if I didn’t. I
wanted peace of mind.” Harward who is unemployed said his will to live diminished
after his excommunication but his roommate and other Gay friends gave him a
free home and solace. “I felt that was more Christian than the way the church
was treating me. They had done nothing. I was feeling rejected.” Harward said
adding he told the church “You’re more concerned about your ten % tithing.”
Harward said he wanted to repent and ask for guidance to emerge from years of a
Gay life style. Bowen said he advised Harward to shun homosexual friends and
activities and assume personal responsibility “not to endanger the public by
attending church services.” But Harward said the Mormon bishop also asked him
for a list of people he had homosexual contact with and that soon afterwards
his roommate also was excommunicated. Harward said doctors told him cancer
associated with AIDS had spread to his lungs and they could not operate,
meaning he had only a few months to live. “When I need my friends the most,
they’re asking me to be alone,” he said. Church policy states excommunicated
members must wait 1 year before being evaluated again for membership. (The
first known photograph of a Utah Man with AIDS. Harward is shown without his
shirt clearly showing his KS spots.)
•
(Salt Lake Tribune) Homosexuality is a
sin that runs “counter to divine objectives” according to a statement to local
church leaders from the 1st Presidency. A Mormon spokesman said there are no
official guidelines for AIDS victims attending church but sufferers should consider
possible consequences of spreading the disease. “Homosexuality in men and women
runs counter to divine objectives and the intended destiny of mankind. Some
claim homosexuality is incurable; therefore, they seek to be considered a legitimate
minority group protected by law. We should not be deceived by these false
rationalizations. We must never lose our perspective admits the world’s clamor
to justify and normalize immorality.” Spokesman Jerry Cahill said Clair Harward
had the choice to attend church or not. “What would be the effect of a man who
came to church with the flu? The other concern is that little is known about
how AIDS spreads.”
11 January 1986 Saturday
No Entry
Additional Material Salt
Lake Tribune “LDS Say They Have Helped AIDS Victim The Mormon Church
provided food and counseling to an AIDS victim who was excommunicated for
homosexual practices, a church spokesman said Friday. The church’s comments was
made in response to criticism for AIDS victim Clair Harward, 26, Ogden who said
in a newspaper interview that he felt abandoned by his family, friends, and
church since contracting AIDS. Harward was excommunicated in May 1985 after
confessing to a Mormon bishop he had had homosexual relations for several
years. Church spokesman Jerry Cahill issued a press release Friday that said
the church has continued to work with Harward since his excommunication. “the
church has supplied regular food orders, and counseling assistants to Harward
and has attempted to meet his needs as he has expressed them during this tragic
period.” Cahill said. “Mr. Harward local church leaders desire to continue to
assist in lifting his difficult burden.” “Mormons compare this (AIDS) to Sodom and
Gomorra ,”Harward said of his condition. (
•"That's What Friends Are For" by
Dionne Warrick & Friends number one song on national charts
12 January 1986 Sunday
Fran wrote in my journal, “I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep
and since I have been thinking that I would like some nails, even though I
cannot have them as long as I wish, I got up and put on a set of Solar Nails.
They are short and as can see they are not a hindrance to my typing skills. Zoe
Ben, you don’t have to answer phones anymore. Vell dats goot.
Additional Material (Salt Lake Tribune) Salt Lake AIDS Foundation Headed by Dr. Patty A.
Reagan will Provide Information Dr. Patty Reagan, as founder director of the
Salt Lake AIDS Foundation may have jumped in where angels fear to tread. It’s
part of her academic training and humanitarian concern, she said, to provide
accurate non speculative information about AIDS, a medical condition 1st
discovered in the United States in 1981. AIDS attacking groups on the margin of
society-Gay men, intravenous drug users, and certain immigrants from
Haiti-leaving them vulnerable to diseases healthy people rarely contract. By
background and training Dr. Reagan is a University of Utah associate professor
of health education, who this fall began sharing ½ her professional time as the
new director of the Women’s Studies Program succeeding Dr. Margo Sargman. Dr.
Reagan has shared information on women’s health, sexuality, women’s issues and
health issues on and off campus. She’s a frequent and popular community speaker
whose topic now includes AIDS. She was recognized for her concerns as a
recipient of the Susa Young Gates Award presented each year by Utah Women’s
Political Caucus for service to the state of Utah and a commitment to human
rights. Dr. Reagan returned to Utah in May from a Sabbatical at the University
of California at Berkeley doing post-doctoral work in public health. It was
hard not to be involved with AIDS as a health concern while there. The Bay Area
is at the hub of the AIDS crisis and UC Berkeley has a million dollar grant for
AIDS epidemiology study. “My concern coming back to Utah was that no one was
doing anything as far as AIDS education. I’ve discovered since, there are
individuals and groups a lot with in the Gay men’s community doing everything
from collecting money to provide emergency food and housing to forming AIDS
support groups. The need for education remains. “For example, the social
implications for mothers, families, extended families, and significant others
need to be addressed. The SLAF can help people like the woman whose sun was
hospitalized with AIDS at the UCLA medical center. He was within three days of
death He hadn’t told her until then because he didn’t want her to know he was
Gay.” Part of what the foundation does through an AIDS telephone line, is
provide accurate health information and referred. AIDS myths abound, Dr. Reagan
said. If people generally deal poorly with sexually, they deal even less well
with a sexually transmitted disease. Adding to the misinformation is a social
system hostile to Gay men. On the patient’s side is a concern for the right to
privacy while dealing with illness “In addition to a concern for physical
illness, Gay men face a whole new set of social stresses growing around AIDS-
loss of job, loss of housing, loss of support, in and out of the Gay community.
According to a National Gay Task Force study, ¼ of American families has a Gay
member. Dr. Reagan said in a 4 year study conducted in her classes, 8 per cent
of students surveyed said they were Gay. “The data remains the same in Utah
with rational figures begun with the Kinsey Studies of 1949. What that means is
that here or elsewhere, the chances are not good for wiping out lifestyles that
people don’t like. She said there is a large Utah community of bisexuals, the
least studied of sexual variations. She said she has anecdotal evidence of Utah
men, sometimes married, active sexually with women and men. That puts Utah
women general in a low risk AIDS group at risk in a bi sexual community. “It’s
my job, as a sex educator, to help eliminates or eradicate the AIDS myths. The
most serious is that AIDS is easily communicable. The medical research and now
history say that is not true. A person really has to work hard to get AIDS,
with repeated encounters as the passive recipient of multiple, anonymous
partners.” Dr. Reagan said the foundation’s AIDS information line originates
with a telephone at the Wasatch Women’s Center, Ste. 102, 3450 Highland Drive
where space is donated. Dr. Sandra Weins-Bagley is director. Lori Gregory a
clinic health educator and Kristine Wimmer, a graduating senior in health
educator and University of Utah, answer calls media attention to AIDS seems to
trigger concerns and questions. Dr. Reagan pays the $70 a month to maintain the
phone line. Ms. Gregory said half the calls come from those probably at risk,
seeking referrals for testing and/or treatment. Questions from the public
indicate the caller is misinformed, after asking ridiculous, but serious
questions. On a Friday by 1:45 p.m. she had juggled 12 AIDS questions with
Wasatch Women’s Center calls. “Sometimes someone calls, asks a question, hangs
up, and then calls back 2 or 3 more times,” Ms. Gregory said. “It seems that
one question unleashes a whole lot of concerns. Some days I get calls from a
university student who may have seen our number published and who’s concerned
about a contact he may have had 2 years ago.” She said the number of calls from
men and women are about the same. “We get a lot of calls from women who panic
and need information.” Dr. Reagan said the AIDS crisis has brought into focus
some philosophical questions for instance school districts may consider policy
on children with AIDS. Boys with hemophilia are another at high risk AIDS
group. Although there’s no evidence that boys with hemophilia present an
infection health risk, some schools are setting policies keeping these children
from attending public schools. “The public heath question is where to terminate
the civil liberties of a few for the rights of the many. Medical evidence says
there aren’t many kids with AIDS. This is a chance for people to be advocate
for those who need advocacy. Besides the information line, the foundation
publishes a newsletter keeping volunteers and interested persons informed.
Funding is an ongoing concern. Dr. Reagan said telling AIDS jokes as telling
ethnic and religious jokes is a form of bigotry and prejudice. It shows
insensitivity and personal insecurity she said. “Besides there’s a danger in
telling AIDS jokes. You can never be sure to whom you are speaking and for whom
it won’t be funny. Especially if 1 in 4 families in America has a Gay member.
AT a recent American Public Health associated meeting in Washington DC. Reagan
said the largest number of participants attended sections on women’s health
concerns and AIDS. She said there was a lot of interest among Professional
health care givers as to the role of women and AIDS. “Women are playing a
special role in the AIDS crisis. Not because we are biologically nurtures, Men
are that too. Women are the best possible ones physically and emotionally to
deal with AIDS. We are at least risk. Women are at a unique pace to turn their
energy and personal resources against AIDS.”
- (Salt Lake Tribune)
The Gay/Lesbian Alliance and Heterosexual Alliance, two controversial
student clubs at Utah State University are now officially recognized. The
Gay/ Lesbian Alliance is a support group for homosexuals that has met
weekly on Campus since October 1985. Club goals include “educating the
public that we are normal people” and providing emotional support for
homosexuals, then friends and families according to club representatives.
The Heterosexual Alliance advocates the “advantage of being heterosexual”
according to club president Nyles Stoddard. They also plan to provide
information about AIDS and will attempt to provide counselors for
homosexuals who wish to change their life style. The Heterosexual Alliance
began meeting in November 1985 in response to a three part series about
homosexual groups in the Utah Statesman, the university’s student
newspaper. The series began with a front page photograph of two bare
chested males in a partial embrace. President Nyle Stoddard 27, pre-law
student said his club will monitor valley publications and watch for
further questionable, distasteful, or offensive material. Members of the
Gay/Lesbian Alliance who attended the first meeting of the Heterosexual
Alliance characterized it as a hate group. Stoddard said the club also
seeks answers to many questions about the spread of AIDS “Does society
have a responsibility to stop it? Does government? Do individuals? I point
at homosexuals because they comprise 75 % of the spreaders of the
disease.” Heterosexuals meets monthly with 25 members. Gay/Lesbian
Alliance meets weekly with same amount. Darren was the co-President of the
Gay/Lesbian Alliance.
13 January 1986 Monday
No Entry
14 January 1986 Tuesday
Work is slow and Fran still hasn’t heard back
from FHP and since she has been at work at Taylor Maid for a long time, we are just surviving on my one income. In
the news, actress Donna Reed. She was known for her role in It’s A Wonderful
Life and for the Donna Reed Show. I liked her in From Here to
Eternity. Also I have been upset reading about this boy in Ogden who has
AIDS and was excommunicated from the church.
Additional Material (Salt Lake Tribune) AIDS victim Clair Harward excommunicated from his
church and abandoned by family and friends says recent publicity about his
plight has generated an out pouring of sympathy calls, letters and money.
Harward, 26, Ogden told the Ogden Standard Examiner in a copyright story that
he is dying of AIDS related cancer and expects to live about 1 more month.
Since his story appeared last week Harward said he has been inundated with
calls and letters expressing sympathy for his condition. He said one caller
promised to send Harward $1000 and patrons of the Sun Tavern which has a
homosexual clientele have donated $500 to help him defray his expenses. Harward
said his telephone had been ringing off the hook since the story appeared. “It
was very rewarding to getting my story told, but I don’t want it to go on.” He
said he probably would give the money to his roommate who has cared for him
during his illness. “He’s been a real help. He’s taken care of me and I
couldn’t have found that anywhere.” Harward said. The Standard Examiner
reported it also has received numerous letters addressed to Harward and
telephone calls expressing sympathy. Word of the support from strangers and
friends elevated Harward’s mood described Friday as “dejected and depressed” by
Sheldon Spears, a friend of Harward's who also has AIDS and founded the Utah
AIDS Society last fall.
15 January 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
16 January 1986 Thursday
No entry
17 January 1986 Friday
No entry
18 January 1986 Saturday
No Entry
Additional Material "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warrick &
Friends number one song on national charts
19 January 1986 Sunday
Today is my dad's 61st birthday. When I called
out there I only spoke to dad and not to mom as I usually do. It was the first
time I ever called my dad to speak to him solely. It was really hard for me to
do that but I felt like it was something I had to do, if not for him then for
me. I asked him if he was having a nice birthday and he said at his age he
didn't like birthdays. Then I asked him
how his job was going and whether they were going to move to be closer to work
but Dad said his job wasn’t that far to drive to so I guess they won’t be
moving yet. Fran and I went to the show to see “Young Sherlock Holmes”
for a buck. Fran liked it better than I did and afterwards we went to see Meg
and Steve Madsen. Steve was still really
sick with his cold as was their baby Seth. They wanted us to stay so we rented
some videos and went to the 7-11 to buy
some ice cream and junk food. We didn’t have any money so we charged it.
Irresponsible I know, but hell you have
to live a little.
20 January 1986 Monday
No Entry
Additional Material
: John R. Crane receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 15, which clarifies questions regarding his calling, he is called as a “Second Witness” alongside Antonio A. Feliz, John is expected to bear testimony.
21 January 1986 Tuesday
No Entry
22 January 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
Additional Material (Salt Lake Tribune) An excommunicated member of the Mormon Church
suffering from AIDS whose plight received national attention earlier this month
has been admitted to a hospital and doctors say he is expected to live only a
few weeks. Inquiries from reporters throughout the nation continued to trickle
in after Clair Harward 26, Ogden, told his story about dying from AIDS. He was
diagnosed as having AIDS related cancer in August 1984. Harward was admitted to
St. Benedict’s Hospital last week after conditions worsened and he said the
hospitalization was a welcome respite from the continual inquiries from
reporters. Meanwhile the Mormon Church has offered to help and others are
pitching in as well. Bishop Brent S. Farr who befriended Harward in his Ogden
Ward after the AIDS victim was excommunicated by another bishop said he has
received several letters for Harward and numerous callers have asked how
Harward is doing and where to deliver food for him
23 January 1986 Thursday
No Entry
Additional Material
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 18, which releases John R. Crane from the Temporary Presidency and called Pamela Calkins to the Temporary Presidency; Encouragement to continue working towards the Temple Structure. Antonio is also told who will succeed him as president of the church, but this isn’t shared.
24 January 1986 Friday
January is slowly dragging along but not fast
enough for me. The weather has finally changed and the fog and cold weather has
disappeared. The temperature is now in the high thirties and low forties. Our
Mountain Fuel Bill just came in the mail and from our last bill in December
until now it has cost us $300. And we kept the thermostat down in the sixties
so that goes to show how cold it’s been and how non-insulated this house is. It
is depressing to have to pay that much money for a fuel bill and still be so
cold. But we will be okay. Everything has a way of working out, I guess. I
can't believe how depressed I was during December because of the fog and cold.
Just being able to see the sun shine has really lifted my spirits. I am finally
over my cold although I seem tired all the time. It’s from not exercising I
suppose. I haven't been to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting since before
Christmas and I really need to find a good meeting. Fran is still looking for
full time work since Taylor Maid just isn't cutting it. She's been applying up
at the University since the FHP job fell though. She is so discouraged because
she can't seem to get hired anywhere. I
feel like we are really going into the hole with our utilities being so high
and Fran not bringing in any money. Our cable TV was cancelled just the other day
because we owed $7. Can you believe that? Well, it’s just as well because it
really sucks up too much of our time when we ought to be spending the money on
food and the animals. We looked at the
house in Cottonwood. I just don’t think we should buy a house right now even
though it’s a buyers market. At work it is still the same. I sit by myself at a
computer all day. I don't have any friends at work like I did with Ray Rubio
and Estelle Reilly at Ticor in California. There aren’t any people here who
really like me. I'm not Mormon enough with eight kids in preschool and four on
a mission. Why am I so different? I
finished reading Woodward's biography of John Belushi called "Wired".
What a wasted life. He was a completely compulsive personality. I've been
following in the newspaper the story about this boy in Ogden, Clair Harwood,
who has AIDS and is dying from it. He went to his bishop for spiritual
reassurance during this time and instead he was excommunicated and told that he
was not allowed to come back to church. The church embarrassed by all the
negative publicity when it hit the national news wire, later came out saying
that the Bishop Storehouse was providing Harwood with food and necessities. But
I am really disappointed in the LDS Church. I really don't understand their
attitude. Christ came to save sinners and to heal the sick. The church just
turns them away. My testimony of the LDS Church is at an all-time low because
of the way Harwood is being treated. Here this dying boy needs spiritual
comforting at the hour of his greatest trial and the church kicks him in the
face knowing that he will die in the state of excommunication. They washed
their hands of him and salved their conscience by telling everyone, "Well
we are feeding him." I don't know if I'm perfect enough to be a member of
a perfect church.
In the news
L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, died as did musical theater actor Gordon MacRae,
who played Billy in the musical Carousel.
25 January 1986 Saturday
At the Salt Lake Library I was “cruised” by a
man who wanted to have sex with me in the third floor bathroom there. I didn’t
of course but it was such a turn on to me. Do I miss male companionship that
much or just John Cunningham? A sponsor of mine in Overeaters Anonymous
once told me that I wasn't gay but that I was
just attracted to men because I needed their approval. That explanation seemed
satisfactory for a while until out of the blue in 1983, when we were living on
Bernadel Place in Santa Ana California, I had an epiphany. Without even asking,
the Lord told me in no uncertain terms that I was unhappy because I kept
rejecting his gift to me. I was told that homosexuality was a gift from God
that allowed me to see the world in an entirely different perspective and that I
should stop rejecting the gift. But how?
Additional Material "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne & Friends
number one song on national charts.
26 January 1986 Sunday
Fran is talking to her nephew Jeff Fuchs right
now on the telephone. He’s Fran’s brother, Ronnie Fuchs’s, boy. He called to
say that he is stationed at Fort Williams down by the Point of the Mountain and
will be for a couple of weeks. He wants to see his “Aunt Billie” so we will go
out and get him sometime this week. Today is such a pretty sunshiny day and it
has been nice for a while. The temperature has been in the forties. I just
can't say enough how much I hated December and that awful foggy gloom. Today's
weather is how I remembered Utah's winters and it's not bad at all. Today is
the Super hype Bowl Sunday and the Patriots are playing the Bears. I am not
interested in the least who wins. In fact, Fran and I got out of the house and
went to the movies to see "Clue". It was cute, especially the
line, "Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage." Fran
and I have not made love together in months. I don't know why but I am just not
interested anymore. I am so bored with my life. Tomorrow both Fran and I have job interviews. Fran’s
is for a personal position at the University of Utah while mine is for a 6th
grade position in the Granite School District. I am calling in sick tomorrow at
Utah Title but just for the morning. This is my first job interview for a
teaching contract and I have pretty well decided to take it if I’m offered it
even though it might mean looking for work again during the summer. I am almost
35 years old and I need to get into my field if I am serious about teaching. I am nervous about it and I
think not so much about the interview but about the possible fulfillment of my
dreams. That really scares me. We were so broke last week because of our $300
fuel bill and I was super depressed over our finances when out of the blue came
a $100 refund check from Ticor for my wife's dental insurance. She was so
shocked because she still believes that blessings are only predicated on
obedience. However, I know that the Lord loves me regardless, and I do believe
He is just knocking himself out trying to do good things for me. Fran feels
spiritually low because she hasn't been attending church here in Utah but I
don't. I do miss true fellowshipping but I never got that from the church. It
was always conditional. I just don't feel the need to attend a temporary Ward
or at least at this point in my life. I just don't believe anymore in a
conditional God that only bestows blessings based on obedience. I am so
confused and turned off by the church's rejection of that boy who is dying of
AIDS. So, I am waiting until we buy a house and have a permanent Ward before getting active again. I just don’t feel the need to go anymore nor the need of it or at least at
this point in my life. I just want to
find out who I am and what potential do I have.
I am a creative person but I feel as if I am dying inside by trying to
measure up to the standards imposed by unimaginative people who have set
themselves up to be my judge. The church has a stifling effect on me. If Fran
can’t understand that then she really doesn't have the soul of an artist. An
artist shouldn't be restrained by conventionality. Creativity is a God-like
process and the more I am creative, the closer I feel to the divine and stand
in awe of His Creations. I have things locked up in my mind that no one else
has, and I am frustrated by trying to find a medium in which I can express
myself. I want to paint. I want to write. I want more from life then trying to
be a good Mormon boy, afraid of experiencing life. I need to make some mistakes
so I can learn from them and grow. God has given me a gift that I had for so
long considered a weakness because it is scorned in this world. But this gift
has always made me remember God often and made me learn to depend on His love
and goodness. I no longer believe that any man or church can separate me from
that love, the love that the Savior has for me or from the Redemptive qualities
of the sacrifice He made for me personally. I have come to believe that there
is something intrinsically wrong with a church that believes it has the power
and authority to separate a person from his savior. Christ died for sins and I
am realizing that I still have too much of the teachings of the Church of
Christ in me to believe any other way. I do not believe that we can be exalted,
sanctified, or saved by any good work we do but only through the redemptive
qualities of the Blood of Jesus Christ are we saved. By faith in Jesus Christ
and the Cross are we saved by Grace and thus we become His disciples.
27 January 1986 Monday
This morning, I went out to Granite School
District for an interview but the Principal had called in sick. Fran cancelled
her interview at the University and didn’t go also. At Utah Title today I was so surprised to hear a program
while listening to Radio Free Utah, just for Gay and Lesbian people. I was at
my computer in my cubicle listening to KRCL this neat station which I had just
discovered and that plays Reggae music when all of a sudden I heard some Dave
Brubeck intro music lead into a woman’s voice saying “Welcome to Concerning
Gays and Lesbians. If you are, know, or love someone who is Gay or Lesbians you
will find the next half hour entertaining as well as informative.” I nearly
shit a brick but turned the radio down as low as I could and listened while
watching over my shoulder. At the end of the program, they gave out a list of
organizations in Salt Lake that act as support groups for homosexuals. They had
a number for a Gay group for Mormons called Affirmation. I wrote the number
down but I'm too scared to call it. When I was home after work, Fran said that
her nephew Jedd Fuchs called and wanted to come into Salt Lake tonight to see
us so we blitzed the house before he gets here, because it was such a
mess. I hadn’t seen him in almost 10
years and when I did he sure changed from the 14 year old boy I met at Fran’s
folk’s 50th Anniversary party in Kasson, Minnesota, Jeff brought a
friend along with him and I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to get us some thing
to eat. I also made two banana cream pies earlier, Fran and Jeff visited for
most if the evening about family and genealogy. I was happy for Fran to finally
have family out here. At 9:30 I drove them back to the Point of the Mountain at
Camp Williams after first driving them around Salt Lake to show them the
sights. The weather was nice today and I is supposed to be in the 40s all week.
Fran has come down with a sore throat. I know it’s from this damn cold drafty
house. I really hate it here. I hope she isn’t getting sick again or coming down
with a cold like I had,
28 January 1986 Tuesday
What a tragic day. The space shuttle
Challenger, carrying the first school teacher into space and six other
astronauts, exploded about 90 seconds after liftoff. They say the explosion was
as strong as a small nuclear bomb and that they were killed instantaneously as
their families watched in horror and stunned disbelief from the launch pad. I
was at work when I heard the news. It went through the office like wild fire.
It just didn't seem like it could be true because all the space flights seemed
so routine and safe. Especially the space shuttles. They made it sound like you
were just taking a bus in to outer space. What is even more upsetting to me is
that school children all over the nation were watching the event because of the
fact that the Challenger was carrying the first teacher into space. It's so
very sad. Christy McAuliffe was so excited about being the first civilian in
space. She was a school teacher from Concord, New Hampshire. I've been so
depressed all day over this terrible event and it feels very similar as to when
President Kennedy was shot. Everyone seems to be in shock. This was so
unexpected. At lunch when I came home to watch the news I started to cry. This
is the first news story in years that actually made me cry. I think after the
initial shock wears off space exploration will go on. Fifty thousand people die
in car crashes each year and we don't stop driving. Plane crashes are killing
hundreds of people each year and we keep on flying. I think I would go up in a
rocket if I could. But still, it’s so sad about Christy McAuliffe. She was so
bright and optimistic about her great adventure in space and then BOOM! It
really is a loss. All those astronauts who died. The flags are to be flown at
half-mast for 7 days to honor the seven crew members of the Challenger.
Ironically yesterday was the 19th anniversary of the fire on a launch pad that
took the lives the first astronauts to die in space exploration. Today I
cancelled MCI an ordered Sprint for our long distance phone serve company.
Additional Material
Names of Challengers Crew: Greg Jarvis (b. 1944) Christa McAuliffe
(b. 1948) Ronald McNair (b. 1950) Ellison Onizuka (b. 1946) Judith Resnik (b.
1949) Francis R. Scobee (b. 1939) Michael J. Smith (b. 1945)
Mark D. Bluto is given a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 16, in which he has a vision of a united world; he is given a dedication prayer for the world so the Queer community may be brought the gospel.
29 January 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
30 January 1986 Thursday
No Entry
31 January 1986 Friday
The rest of the month of January was spent
with flags at half-mast as the nation mourned the loss of the crew of the
Challenger. The experts now think a small crack in the rocket's boosters acted
like a blow torch igniting the rocket fuel which caused the explosion. They say
the Astronauts never knew what hit them. It is just calamitous and I think
America's belief in the supremacy of its own technology has vanished with the
Challenger. Perhaps very much in the same way the British felt after the Titanic
sank. I wonder if the school children who watched Christy McAuliffe get blown
to kingdom come will be less trusting in space travel and its technology than
my generation who were raised with the Apollo Programs and landing on the moon.
We were led to believe that the space shuttle was as safe as taking a bus. We
know better now. And for the rest of my life, I will now hold my breath each
and every time a rocket ship takes off with precious human cargo on board. But
I do feel we must go forward and I hope someday to be able to go into space as
in Space Odyssey 2001. he space shuttle disaster has over shadowed all other
news and events and it has really brought home to me how short and fragile life
is. We have no guarantees. I must find out who I am before I die. I still
haven't decided what to do about Affirmation. I lost the number I had for it so
I will have to wait until Monday when the next program comes on KRCL. I almost
feel compelled to call. I am scared but excited at the same time like an
adventure is about to happen to me. The weather here in Utah has cleared up and
has been in the 40’s almost every day
this week. We have turned the heat off in the day time now and only turn it on
in the mornings and at night. The animals sleep on the bed anyway and as long
as they aren’t out in the open they will be okay. I see poor dogs tied up
outside in the snow so Sam and Toby don’t have it so bad. I am so glad to get
this month over with because February is a short month so it won’t be long
before it’s spring again. This winter seems eternal. I saw a program on TV
called 20/20 which was about winter depression caused by the lack of a chemical
in the body that is affected by sunshine. With out this chemical reaction, the
mind becomes depressed and in pain. I know that I am one of those whose body is
affected by the amount of sunshine I receive.
Fran once heard a stupid General Authority say that it’s only immaturity
that causes people to be moody because of the weather. For a long time, I
validated what that jerk had said and felt like there was something wrong with
me instead of it just being part of my biology. I am so sick of the church
setting themselves up as the final word for everyone and every situation. So
sick of the words “All” and “everyone”
with no exceptions when telling people what they should do. I was
literally going berserk in December and it was from the terrible inversion that
had blocked the sunlight from reaching the valley. Also, I now know why I had
such a hard time going to school in the mornings in Southern California
when was in high School. The low morning
clouds were blocking out the sunshine. I got a letter from Grandma Johnson
today and she sounded rather depressed about having broken her wrist. Poor old
grandma how will I ever be able to go on without my loving nemesis.
February 1986
1 February 1986 Saturday:
I called our landlord today and said we could
only pay half our rent until the 15th because our fuel bill is so high. If we
don't pay it, they will cut it off. Gee I hated doing that. I went to the LDS
Genealogical Library and spent most of the day looking up my wife's Norwegian
Ancestors in the 1840's. I don't know Norwegian but can figure enough out to
find things. I walked home from the Library, about two miles because it was
such a pretty day and I didn't have the bus fare. It's only 40 cents but I
didn't even have that on me. In the evenings our married friends, Steve and Meg
Madsen from Provo, invited Fran and I to the show. We saw "Down and Out
In Beverly Hills". I just love Bette Midler so I thought the movie was
great: especially Matisse the dog. The theme of the movie was that rich or poor
if you don't have people in your life that love you, then you really don't have
much. I loved the soundtrack to the movie also, especially The Talking Heads It
really was a hoot of a movie and one of the funniest ones I have seen in a long
time.
Additional Material Vice Squad arrested 12 people in a drug raid at the Sun Club. Seven
of those arrested were Sun employees. Attorney Howard Johnson represented the
Sun against the city. The vice squad prompted the city to hold a hearing with
the department of business to take away the Sun’s business license. Joe Redburn
as owner of the Club stated that closing the Club would hurt paying off
creditors since the private club had been in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. The Sun
began requesting “from our patrons a cover charge of one dollar for members and
$4 for nonmembers for a legal defense fund.”
• "That's What Friends Are For" by
Dionne & Friends number one song on national Charts.
2 February 1986 Sunday
Fran’s nephew Jeff Fuchs called and asked if
we would come and get him at Camp Williams so he could come into town to do his
wash. He just really wanted to visit with us and to get off base. Before going
out to get him, Meg Madsen called and wanted us to come over because she was
fighting with Steve and wanted to get away. She had a bigger car so we asked
her to use hers and to come along. We picked up Jeff but instead of coming back
into the city, we drove down to Provo and out through Provo Canyon to see Bridal
Veil Falls and just to show Jeff the beauty of the Wasatch Range. We stopped
for lunch in Provo and charged everything on our 7-11 credit card. Thank God
for plastic. We showed a little of Brigham Young University. He of course was
mainly interested in looking at the co-eds. After returning to Salt Lake City,
we drove along South Temple to show Jeff the Governor’s Mansion and all the
beautiful old homes on the street and
then we went to the U of U, Fran’s alma mater, to show Jeff the university that
his aunt graduated from. Back at the house, Fran, Meg, and Jeff played Trivia
Pursuit while I went grocery shopping for something to fix for dinner. I like
Jeff and he’s a cute kid but I don’t relate to him at all.
3 February 1986 Monday:
While listening to Radio Free Utah's program
"Concerning Gays and Lesbians" at work, they mentioned at the end of
the show a list of organizations and their phone numbers. I wrote down the
numbers for Affirmation, the Metropolitan Community Church, and Gay Alcoholics
Anonymous. Now that I have these numbers what do I do with them?
4 February 1986 Tuesday
I didn’t go to Overeaters Anonymous but went
this evening to the central library downtown. Near the men's room on the 3rd
floor, I was “cruised” again by this guy wanting sex. I was so turned on by his
making a pass at me but I was petrified to do anything. Then this third man
blatantly came up to the two of us and makes a pass at us and invites us over
to his apartment at the Ben Albert on 5th East. I was drawn to these guys like
a magnate, even thought my head kept saying, "No! No! No!" I drove
over to this kid's place where we fumbled getting out of our clothes and
falling upon each other as we scrambled into bed. After we were spent of our
passions and before I could start feeling guilty something simply illuminating
happened. We began to talk. We began to talk openly about being Gay. I
awkwardly confessed that I was a married man, sure that they would shrink from
me but they simply said that it didn't matter to them. We laid in bed, in a
bond of sweet familiarity, and we began to talk about our work, our feelings,
and strangely even our relationships with our fathers. We talked about so much
more then that but because my senses are reeling I cannot recall all that we
talked about. It was magic. It was unbelievably soul fulfilling. For the first
time in my thirty-four years, I am really communicating. I am communicating
with people who speak the same language that I do. I am finally talking to
people I can understand and who understand me! To say that I was almost giddy
is not quite right because I also almost wanted to cry; because something deep
and longing within me, long parched and barely viable, was being renewed,
reborn, saved. I realized during this epiphany that I have spent the majority
of my life as a wanderer in a foreign land, among people, while appearing to be
like me, are not. I even learned to speak their language, which is truly not
mine and I have learned it well enough to communicate fluently with them,
enough to pass among them, but I am not of them. I always knew that
fundamentally there is no understanding between us. But now, today with these
beautiful men I discovered that there are others like me who are seemingly also
strangers in a strange land and who like I, have been searching for others of
our kind. I can't explain it any better than this. Something transcendental
poured through me today. Call it my Gay Pentecostal revival. It is soul
satisfying to be with your own kind. It is like I was dying of thirst and being
with these men, I reached an oasis of clear cool water from which all thirst
has been quenched. I want male sex so much but I am afraid of what the guilt
will do to my marriage and my relationship to the church. What about my wife?
We have been married for nine years and I love her so much but this is
something so basic to my nature. So deep in me and is a well spring of my
entire being. Even if Fran could forgive me for what I did today, would the
church? I think not. But it feels so right, so good, being with these men. I
feel like I have come into my own, finally. I am therefore resolved to come to
terms with my sexuality no matter where it leads me. I have no choice.
Something deep within me, struggling to stay alive compels me. If I don't go
forward with this I literal feel like I will die. O Father in Heaven, help me
find out who I am and why I am. If being Gay is not an issue with you but
indeed a spiritual gift to me then help me learn what I must do. Like Lot’s
wife I must not look back.
5 February 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
6 February 1986 Thursday:
I called the Salt Lake Affirmation's hot line
number while at work and spoke only to a recording. Thank God! I was afraid I
would have to speak to someone live. I am not ready for that. The recording
said that Affirmation meets downtown at the Crossroads Urban Center, twice a
month on Wednesdays. Yesterday was the first meeting for February so I missed
that one. There won't be another meeting until the 17th. Fran will want to know
where I am going that night. I hate to lie but I will simply tell her that I am
going to an Overeater's Anonymous meeting. If I told her the truth, I'm afraid
that she would freak out. Besides if Affirmation is too weird, I'll never go
back and none will be the wiser. I think the main reason I don't have a lot of
friends at work is because I don't go along with the flow. For example, I stand
up for human rights and call people on the carpet when they say totally asinine
things. Like when, Coretta King, the widow of Martin Luther King Jr., came to
Utah to lobby the state legislature to make her late husband's birthday a state
holiday. I think Arizona and Utah are the last hold outs in the nation. Almost
everyone at work was so upset that they might even consider Martin Luther
King's birthday for holiday. It pissed me off so I left work and went up to the
First Baptist Church on 13th East to hear Mrs. King speak. I had my own reasons
also. I needed to atone for my teenage racial prejudice. The state legislators
want to compromise over the issue a holiday and officially want Martin Luther
King's birthday a state holiday but only called "Human Rights Day"
rather than honor Dr. King. Even this made people at work mad. I know that it
is not my job to change their thinking but I do let these narrow minded kids
know that their bigoted views won't go unchallenged. At least by me.
7 February 1986 Friday:
This week has gone fast and nothing special
going on at work. Fran and I watched Peter the Great for most of the week instead of going
out. It was pretty good. Yesterday Fran did go over to Carol Kessler's place to
do a set of acrylic nails for her and for Fran to get a hair cut and dye job.
That’s the exchange they do for each other. Today Fran went out to dinner with
her Taylor Maid friends so I decided to go up to the University of Utah and sit
in the sauna there in the HPER Building. I need to soak my pores and get some
of the toxins out. To be truthful I know I like sitting in the sauna for other
reasons too. Why are men such a turn on?
Additional Material -Health, Physical Education, and Recreation Building
8 February 1986 Saturday
Additional Material
Elders Antonio A. Feliz, Pamela Calkins, and David Ewing addressed a
dozen curiosity seekers in Salt Lake Public Library representing The
Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. Purpose was “to see if there was a need for
a branch of the church here, and if so, what the reception would be.” Antonio
Feliz co-founder stated: “We have established a church based on the Mormon
beliefs set forth by the first prophet of the Mormon Churches, Joseph Smith…We
feel that the Lord is guiding our steps for the blessing of all people,
including Gay and Lesbians.”
- The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, alternately known as the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter-day Saints, provides a setting in which Gay and Lesbian Mormons can practice the faith of their fathers and mothers supportive of their needs. The RCJC is set up similarly to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints, with a First Presidency (presently Douglas B. Madrid, President, and Larry Tidwell, Counselor) and Quorum of the Twelve (Robert McIntier, President). They accept as scripture the four standard works of the LDS Church, the Lectures of Faith, which were included in the original 1835 edition of the Doctrine and Covenants, the RLDS D&C (in a limited sense), and their own book of revelations, Hidden Treasures and Promises. They operate a Temple, which is actually more a Tabernacle after the style of the Israelites' mobile Beth Elohim. The Restoration Church was founded in August 1985 by Antonio A. Feliz, Lamar Hamilton, John Crane, Pamela Calkins and other members of the Los Angeles Chapter of Affirmation. It is sometimes called the "Gay Mormon Church" due to its overwhelmingly homosexual membership. Antonio A. Feliz by revelation originally named the church the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints, but when The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints informed him of their intent to sue, he changed the name to legally the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. At a church conference in Sacramento, California, in May 1987, Antonio A. Feliz resigned as president after a vote of no confidence. He was succeeded by Robert A. McIntier, an engineer, current president of the church (as of 2006). A Brief Overview of the History and Teachings of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ from their web site; The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ was officially organized in Los Angeles, California, in 1985. Most of the original members were people who had been excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ("Mormons") because of their sexual orientation. These were good people who loved the Lord and His gospel. They wanted to serve Him, and keep the commitments they had made to Him, both at the waters of baptism and (in some cases) in His holy temple. But they were not allowed because they refused to deny who they really were. These people believed that the Lord was willing to reveal Himself to ALL people who would strive to keep His commandments. They believed then, and we are witnesses today, that the Lord can and does reveal Himself "...to persons of all nations, kindreds, tongues, and peoples according to their own understanding, culture, time, and society." (Mission Statement) Those things which God has revealed to the leaders of this church are compiled in a book called Hidden Treasures and Promises, which we accept along with "traditional" restoration scriptures as the word of the Lord to us. We believe that there are many churches who have great truth for the benefit of all who seek it, and we do not claim to be "the only true church." We believe that the LDS and RLDS churches do a great service in their part of the Lord's work, but we also testify that God has called us to extend the blessings of the Gospel to those who cannot be reached by these and other restoration churches. We testify that God has called prophets and apostles from among our people, in addition to those whom He has called among other peoples. We believe the role of the Church is not to dominate our lives, but to be a tool which we may choose to use, in furthering our own spiritual progression. It is the duty of each individual, not the Church, to do those things which will lead to Eternal lives. We believe in the Holy Priesthood, and we claim all of its benefits for all who are willing to accept the responsibility that goes with it, including women. The sacred authority to seal loving individuals for time and all eternity also exists among us and is used to bless the lives of those who are prepared to keep the covenants that go with this blessing, regardless of their race, gender, or sexual orientation. Our local units are called "families," rather than wards or stakes. We feel this better describes their functions, because for many, their Church associations are the only family they can really turn to for help in some of the most important aspects of their lives. We have organized families and/or individual members in many parts of the country. We are legally incorporated in the states of California and Utah. We invite all who seek the truth to investigate our claims, because we know that the Spirit of the Lord will confirm our witness to those who sincerely seek to know about us. Antonio (Tony) Feliz was a High Priest in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A graduate of BYU, he worked for the Church in various capacities including service in the Church Welfare System and served as the Director of Church Welfare for the Andean Region of the LDS Church during the 1970's. He is the father of three children. In the process of doing some research in the Church archives, he ran across some information concerning Joseph Smith, Wilford Woodruff, and others, that bothers him. He begins to read the early documents to support the idea that same sex unions can be blessed as well as heterosexual unions. He also reads in the early documents the idea that women were ordained to priesthood during Joseph Smith's years. Both practices were discontinued after Joseph's death. Central to Feliz's premise is that priesthood authority can be exercised outside the auspices of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He believes that the endowments he received while in the Church are still with him, and he needs no permission to continue exercising this authority. As he distanced himself more and more from the modern-day Church, he found himself more and more attracted to the raw religion of the early Joseph Smith days. He authored a book Out of the Bishop's Closet in 1992 detailing his coming out and spiritual journey but excluding any of his experiences as a leader in the Restoration Church, and Becoming Open Souls, “an unabashedly theological work which explores the connection between the LDS church and Native American traditions”
- "When The Going Gets Tough, The
Tough Get Going" by Billy Ocean is number one song on national charts
9 February 1986 Sunday
No entry
Additional material Comet Halley reaches its perihelion, the closest point to the Earth,
during its second visit to the solar system in the 20th Century.
10 February 1986 Monday
No entry
11 February 1986 Tuesday
I went to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting and
shared about what I am feeling about opening up a can of worms by maybe going
to Affirmation.
12 February 1986
Today is Fran’s 41st birthday and since we are both trying
to be abstinent we just went to
Souvlakis for dinner.
Additional Material
Proclamation for the Restoration church to fast for favorable LGBT rights in SCOTUS
13 February 1986 Thursday
No Entry
14 February 1986 Friday
No entry
Additional material The Murray School District policy on AIDS follows recommendations from the CDC in Atlanta calls for a student to be placed in an alternative study program away from school when AIDS is first diagnosed. Employees with the disease will not be allowed to work until a decision is made in how to deal with the problem. A contracted employee may be entitled to benefits while off the job. (B3 Tribune)
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 17, that funds should be collected to purchase a temple structure – This temple eventually is a tabernacle; a portable temple where ordinances can be performed. (1)
15 February 1986 Saturday
No Entry
Additional Material
“How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston number one song on national charts
16 February 1986 Sunday
No Entry
17 February 1986 Monday
No Entry
18 February 1986 Tuesday
No Entry
19 February 1986 Wednesday
I can't believe that I went to Affirmation, a
support group for Gay and Lesbian Mormons. They meet at seven-thirty p.m. at
347 South 400 East in an old two story Victorian House. I was so nervous about
going for the first time that I sat in my car for twenty minutes deciding
whether to go inside or go home. It was the same gut wrenching feeling I had
back in 1971 when I paced back and forth deciding whether to attend a Gay
Student group on the campus of Cal-State Fullerton. And that did not go well.
All kinds of fearful thoughts flooded my mind. What if someone I know sees me?
What if the police are there? What if...What if... What if... I was paralyzing
myself with what ifs. Finally, around a quarter to eight I saw some guys go
inside the building who I felt were obviously Gay so I steeled my nerve and
decided to get out of the car. I thought to myself, "What do I care if
they think I am Gay or not? They must be Gay themselves or they wouldn't be
here either." Steadied by this bit of strange logic, I walked across the
street, climbed the porch steps, and entered the Crossroads Urban Center for
the first time. Crossing the threshold, to my left I saw an open parlor filled
with couches and men sitting on them. I knew that there was no going back now.
I had crossed the Rubicon. I nonchalantly sauntered in, treating the meeting
the same as I would an OA session. I found a seat and discreetly started to
observe then men in the room. I must say that I was slightly turned on at first
being in a room with so many Gay men at one time. There must have been nine or
ten men there. I couldn't help looking them over. They all seemed normal
enough. A kid named Paul, dressed in levis and kind of a hippie with a pony
tail, about 25 years old, was the moderator of the group. He welcomed everyone
to the meeting and then this skinny blond boy named Gordon Jones stood up. He
had on a leather civil war looking cap and a levi vest and spoke with a
Southern accent. Gordon asked if they could start the meeting with a prayer,
but Paul vetoed that idea. He did agree to have a poetry reading as a spiritual
opening for the meeting. Then Gordon spoke up again to announce that Elders
from a group calling themselves The Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day
Saints were coming to Salt Lake to tell of the founding of a Gay Mormon Church.
Paul told Gordon that he was welcome to attend Affirmation but not to
proselytize for this new church. Gordon was put out and I think had his
feelings hurt. I found it all fascinating! It was thrilling to hear people
actually conversing about being Gay and Mormon without the usual guilt trips.
Since the meeting was geared to being more or less a consciousness raising rap
group of sorts, I was comfortable joining in with the others to talk about my
experiences in the church as a Gay man. I introduced myself to the group as
Edgar which felt kind of weird. I didn't really want to share my real name with
the group but in actuality my so called fake name is my real name. Bizarre I
know. But I have gone down the rabbit hole where I know things will get
"curiouser and curiouser". On the whole, I really enjoyed my
Affirmation experience. It felt like a safe place to talk about being Gay and
Mormon and to express myself to people who understand my language. I am going
to go back but the next meeting isn't for two weeks and then it will be March.
I am also very interested in meeting with those
Additional Material 18 February 1986 State
Senator Jack Bangerter (R-Bountiful) introduced bill in Utah Legislature to
make it a 3rd degree felony to knowingly transmit a communicable disease. Bill
was intended to punish people with AIDS. Bill was killed in Senate ten-14.
Additional Material The Soviet Union launches
the Mir space station.
20 February 1986 Thursday
Additional Material
Michael Aaron, a member of the
Gay and Lesbian liaison to the Utah State Senate District 1 sought an amendment
to an existing Heath Department appropriation bill to provide funding for AIDS
education. Senator Terry Williams (D-SLC) spokesman for the measure. To date
agencies such as the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation have not received funding from
the state.
21 February 1986 Friday
No entry
22 February 1986 Saturday
No entry
Additional Material The In-between bar opens at 579 West 2nd South. Grand opening held
for the In-between which occupied the building once known as the Three Aces.
Bar owners were Bob Dubray and his lover Donny Eastepp. Home bar of the Gay
Rodeo Association. Dubray was president of the Gay Rodeo Association while
Donny Eastepp served as Mr. Utah Gay Rodeo for the past two years. Bobby Joe
Dubray died 18 Sept 1990 age 42 of AIDS. Donald Eastepp born 19 February 1961
died July 1, 2004 in Houston Texas of complications from AIDS.
•
How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston
number one song on national charts
23 February 1986 Sunday
No entry
24 February 1986 Monday
No entry
25 February 1986 Tuesday
Additional Material Michael Dan Buttars died of AIDS at age 38, co-creator of perennial
barbed witted “Saturday’s Voyeur”. Michael Dan Buttars was born in Lewiston,
Cache County Utah on April 17, 1948 to Ted and Nadean Buttars. He died in Los
Angeles, CA, on February 25, 1986.
•
President Ferdinand Marcos of the Philippines
goes into exile in Hawaii after 20 years of rule; Corazon Aquino becomes the
first Filipino woman president, first as an interim president.
26 February 1986 Wednesday
No entry
Additional Material Five new cases of AIDS have been reported in Utah this year all
within the Wasatch Front. The reports bring the total number of Utah victims to
thirty-five since 1980. Roughly ½ of those patients and 2 who reported disease
since January 1 have died. Of the five new 1986 cases all the patients are male
and members of high risk group. Those afflicted with AIDS in Utah include 3
females and 2 children, those who were male have died as have two of the 3
women. (C8 Tribune)
27 February 1986 Thursday
Additional material The United States Senate allows its debates to be televised on a
trial basis.
28 February 1986 Friday
Fran and I spent much of February trying to
stay on top of our bills which were compounded by very high fuel bills. Fran
only made $100 during the whole month and that didn't even begin to pay the gas
bill. Half of my month's salary went to pay rent alone. Fran is so discouraged
because she applied at so many jobs and none of them have called her back. Oh
lots of second interviews but no real job offers except FHP and they just keep her dangling. It would
have been a tough month with just the two of us but on the 15th
last, Tony Fillman the twenty-two year
old son of a Linda Suazo the friend of my wife, asked if he could stay with us
while he looked for work in Salt Lake. Tony is Linda’s oldest boy and Fran has
known him since he was a little boy. He’s married now with two kids and wants
to move his family from Minnesota back to Utah. He couldn’t afford to bring his
family with him s he’s come out first to
try and find work. He stayed with his mom first down I Levan but Linda with he
own hoard of kids used up all of Tony’s money until he only had $20 to his name
so he came to Salt Lake to stay with us and try to find work. I
thought it was totally irresponsible for Tony to come to Utah with no more
money than he did and leave his wife and two babies behind to stay wit h his
grandma but Fran felt like she had to,
for her friend’s sake.. Tony isn’t a bad kid or stupid but he’s really different
from me and we have nothing in common. He’s a fairly good looking kid but
between the two of them I have really felt put upon for the past two weeks. Not
only am I the only one working full time, but I also had to cook dinner, and
manage to scrape up enough food for all of us. I am just wearing myself out.
The house is a wreck unless I clean it. I cook the food, do the grocery
shopping, and when those two are together I feel completely shut out. They play
games, they laugh and tell stories, while I worry about how I am going to keep
this all together. One of the reasons we were so broke was a $150 phone bill
Fran racked up that I had to pay to keep it from being disconnected. Shortly
after Tony came to live with us, my wife’s nephew and his buddy called me at
four-thirty a.m. to take them back to Camp Williams after spending the night
out drinking. Since our car’s heater is broken, I had to drive with my window
partially down to keep the windshield from fogging up and I caught a cold
again. I’ve been sick for two weeks but not nearly as miserable as I was in
January. I think that is one of the reasons I am so aggravated with Tony and
Fran. At work Bob Elcock put me totally in charge of entering all the title
searches in the computer to search the General Index. I don’t have to do
searches myself any more unless I want to. I have created my own little
department, my own niche, where my boss can’t push me because he doesn’t
understand what I am doing. I still don’t have any people at work who I could
call friends. Lynn Fetting and I hang out because we are both outsiders. The
rest of the people I work with are typical Mormons, distrustful of those
without a solid Utah connection. I think the main reason I don’t have friends
at work is because I don’t go along with the flow but rather stand up for human
rights and call people on the carpet. Like last January when Coreeta King came
to Utah to convince the State Legislators to proclaim her husband’s birthday a
state holiday. Almost everybody at work was so upset that they would even
consider Martin Luter King for a holiday but I left work when Mrs. King spoke
at the First Baptist Church on 1300 East. I had too, for my own sake, to atone
for my racial prejudice as a teenager when Martin Luther King was assassinated
in 1968. Utah did compromised and made
Dr. King’s Birthday a state holiday but need the holiday Human Rights Day rathe
than honor specifically Dr. King
but even that gesture made people mad at work. I know it’s not my job to change
their thinking but I do let these narrow minded kids know that their bigoted
views at least by me won’t go unchallenged. Also, in the news the Marcos
government in the Philippines was over thrown. I really didn’t think Marcos
would ever give up his power over a country he ruled as a dictator for 20
years. He’s in Hawaii now with millions of dollars he looted from the
Philippine people. I think he should be shot but our President Reagan couldn’t
wait to give him refuge like we did the Shah of Iran. Well enough of that. The
weather has been absolutely beautiful for the past two weeks and very spring
like. The cold and the inversions are gone and the temperatures have been in
the mid-sixties. Plants are starting to bud and it is really nice outside. We
deserve the break after such a nasty December and January
MARCH 1986
1 March 1986 Saturday:
Such a pretty, almost spring like day. People
are outside washing their cars and doing yard work. The air smells so clean and
fresh. I cleaned the house while Fran
wife went off to Taylor Maid. My little dog Toby is sound a sleep, laying in
the sunshine in the front room. He sure likes being nice and warm. So, this is
March! I wonder what you will bring to me besides the warmth of spring. While I
was doing the wash, I’ve decided to do some typing on a story I’m writing but
it’s so hard to find time to do anything. I had a longing to hear John
Cunningham’s voice. When I called him his mother said he was on his way to
Vegas.
Additional Material -
First Issue of The TRIANGLE Magazine published by Triangle
Publications. Editor-Scott Dunn, Art Director-Michael Aaron, Contributing
Artist-Mark Skeem, Distribution Manager-Richard McCall , Business Manager- John
Sasserman. Featured Article was on the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ.
The Sunstone Magazine's article on RCJC published
Rick Shenkman reporter for KUTV charged that the LDS Church censored an AIDS story by Glen Warchol of the Deseret News. Warchol stated that his article claimed that AIDS has placed bishops and stake presidents in a dilemma. These lay leaders of the Mormon congregations feel the compassion and understanding they can offer AIDS patients is limited by Mormon policy toward homosexuality.”
"Kyrie" by Mr. Mister number one song on national charts
2 March 1986 Sunday
No Entry
Additional Material
The first meeting of Wasatch Affirmation was held at the home of Randy Holladay in Sugarhouse on 900 East, to gather interest in forming a new group under the leader ship of Russell Lane. The Wasatch Affirmation, a Support Group for Gay and Lesbian Mormons was established by Russell Lane. He had recently returned to Salt Lake City from San Jose, California where he was also a chapter director. Wasatch Affirmation was founded to establish a chapter based on the National Charter which the local Salt Lake chapter had abandoned. “Its meetings are for people, friends, who can share experiences, information, support, and encouragement. Its activities are designed for meeting others in a social environment that differs from bars, bath houses, or other places that have been negatively stereotyped. Its policy to adhere to the Word of Wisdom at Affirmation functions contributes to a unique way of life--the life of a gay latter-day Saint”.
Russel Eugene Lane born 18 Nov 1956 Provo, Utah, died 24 Oct 2010 Murray, Salt Lake, Utah, We regret to announce the passing of Russel "Rusty” Lane, who died on October 24, 2010 in Murray, Utah. Russ, who later in life went by Rusty, was the founder of two Affirmation chapters and Affirmation's director in 1987. At the time of his passing, he was 53. Obituary in the Salt Lake Tribune Russel Eugene Lane, 53, of Salt Lake City, Utah, formerly of Dallas, Texas, passed away on October 24, 2010 in Murray, Utah. Russel was born November 18, 1956 in Provo, Utah to Eugene V. Lane and Beulah M. Lane. Russel was raised in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He graduated from Jefferson High School in Cedar Rapids before moving to Salt Lake City. Russel served a mission for the LDS Church in Sacramento, California. Russel thoroughly enjoyed genealogy, trains, stamp collecting and traveling. Russel was a member of the First Baptist Church of Salt Lake City and loved to teach Sunday school and be a greeter. Russel was preceded in death by both of his parents. A very special thank you to his friends and caretakers Joel, Susan, John, and Melissa Everts of Salt Lake City, and also his best friend Roberto Abel. A memorial service for Russel will be held at the First Baptist Church of Salt Lake City (777 S. 1300 E.) at noon October 28th. Arrangements are being handle by Evans & Early Mortuary of Salt Lake City.
3 March 1986 Monday
No Entry
Additional Material
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now verses 6-8 of HT&P 32, which is a prophecy that Feliz will be ordained as an apostle, but instructed not to reveal it publicly yet. (1)
4 March 1986 Tuesday:
Fran got $9 in tips yesterday so we decided to
treat ourselves to a movie. We wanted to see Woody Allen’s new movie and since it was a buck night at the Mann
Theaters we went out to the Cottonwood Mall and saw Hannah and Her Sisters
We got there just a little before the show started and boy was that a mistake.
The theater was so crowded that we had to sit in the very front row. However,
after a while you get used to it and Fran and I just loved that movie. We hadn’t been to a show
since seeing Better Off Dead and My Chauffeur back in early
February. They were just two teenage fluff movies but kind of cute..
5 March 1986 Wednesday:
I went to Affirmation for the second time
tonight. It was easier to go into the meeting this time. Paul led the meeting
again, starting it off by reading a poem. Gordon Jones was not at the meeting
so I wonder if he got mad from his treatment last time. During the meeting we
talked about the church's attitude towards Gays and the people there detailed
their experiences with the church. I even talked about my being
disfellowshipped back in 1976, for the first time in public and in real depth.
It felt so good to get a lot of the hurt I have been carrying all these years
out and especially to people with similar experiences and who could
commiserate. I found out tonight that this guy named John Cooper, who about 40
years old, is the real leader of Affirmation. It is his phone number that is
given out on the program Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I am feeling much more
relax at the meeting now. It feels less likely that some church goon squad is
going to arrest us for talking about the church.
6 March 1986 Thursday
No Entry
Additional Material Georgia O'Keeffe, American artist best known for her paintings of
flowers suggestive of women’s sexual organs died. (1887-1986)
7 March 1986 Friday
I went down to Mountain Fuel to make a payment
schedule so our gas won't be turned off. I don't think we are going to have
anymore really cold weather like December and January but Fran is freaked out
about having the heat switched off. We owe over $300 on the fuel bill.
8 March 1986 Saturday:
I spent most of today doing the wash and
cleaning house while Fran was working at Taylor Maid. In the evening we were so
mad because Channel 2 preempted the Saturday Night programs for a Western
Athletic Conference basketball playoff without any warning. I was so
pissed that I called the station and told
them off. First time I have ever done anything like that. It’s no longer spring
like weather but it only rained today instead of snow so for that I am
grateful.
Additional Material "Kyrie" by Mr. Mister number one song on national charts
9 March 1986 Sunday
In the news Navy divers found the crew
compartment of the Challenger Space Shuttle with all seven bodies of the astronauts were still inside. That is so sad but at least now they can be
brought home to their families.
Additional Material The 2nd meeting of Wasatch
Affirmation held at Randy Holladay’s home in Sugar House with a pot luck
dinner.
10 March 1986 Monday
There are changes on the horizon at Utah
Title. My boss Roy Spriggs is leaving soon to start his own title company in
St. George and Bob Elcock is going to be taking his place. Thank God. I was so
afraid that it was going to be Shawna Mayeda who hates my guts. Kevin Merrill
is going to be leaving at the end of the week also I’m going to miss him because he’s about the only Title Officer
where with a sense of humor. Fran is at a YWCA meeting for unemployed women this
evening so I am home watching a TV show called Dressed Gray which is pretty
good. It's about the murder of a homosexual at an undergrad cadet academy. Fran
still hasn’t been called back on any of the jobs she has been applying for.
Family Health Plan, the bastards, had
the nerve to call Fran and say that it was between her and another candidate which kept her on pins and needles over the
weekend. Isn’t that a shitty thing to do especially when she didn’t get it. I
guess Fran’s nephew, Jeff Fuchs, is gone now from Camp Williams. He didn’t even say goodbye but
the last time we spoke to him he said he would be gone after the first of
March. We haven’t seen much of Meg and Steve Madsen lately. I suppose they
mustn’t be feuding. The only time we see a lot of Meg is when they are. We are
low on funds as usual and living on credit cards, which is the fastest way I
know to go in the hole. But you do what you got to do to get by one day at
a time.. I haven’t heard from the school district where I have been putting in
my applications. That’s a little discouraging, but God’s will be done. There’s
so much turmoil in the school system here in Utah with talks of teacher strikes
in the fall. So, who knows what will happen. In the news the Gramm-Rudman Bill
calling for a balance budget is now in effect on the Federal Level so funds are
being cut to social programs yet President Ray-gun wants $100 million dollars
sent to Central America for the Contras. He actually said that if Congress
doesn’t give him the money he wants, then maybe American soldiers might have to
be deployed there. I have always said Reagan is a president in search of a war.
Bonzo Goes to War. Also read where actor Ray Milland died at the age of 79. My
favorite movie of his was The Uninvited. Listening to Radio Free Utah
this morning, I heard Bishop Tutu of South Africa relate the effects of
Apartheid on his country. For the first time, I finally got it. I finally
understood the evil of a political system that allows an uneducated 18 year old
white man to vote while denying the same right to an educated 60 year old black
man. Bishop Tutu, as articulate as he is, cannot vote simply because of the
color of his skin. Ridiculous. Concerning Gays and Lesbians came on
following the program with Bishop Tutu. Their guest was Elder Antonio Feliz of
the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints. He told the co-hosts that
the church was brought forth to bring the gospel to the despised and rejected
of this world. And who are more despised and rejected then Gay men and women? I
liked what I heard on the program. It touched my spirit. I have been struggling
with the Mormon Church to understand my place in it. From the very beginning I
have been made to feel like I was an outsider. I am also torn by many of its
doctrines which support conservative dogmas which I do not believe are
supported by the teachings of Jesus Christ or Joseph Smith. In my heart I
cannot accept any more with blind obedience certain precepts that they teach,.
I believe many of the teachings of the church are completely alien to the gospel
of Jesus Christ. I do believe in the restored gospel of the Prophet Joseph
Smith but I am not sure I have a place in the “Corporation of the First
Presidency Church” that professes to be the direct successor to the church
founded by Joseph Smith in 1830. Christ
made it clear that His kingdom is not of this world and that the Kingdom of God
is within us. So why do Mormons insist on building up a kingdom in this world?
I thought we were not to treasure up the things of this world? I don't
understand it anymore. Christ also said that the kingdom of God was like a
mustard seed that would grow to accommodate all the birds of the world. Where
do Gay birds fit within the Mormon vision of that mustard tree? They are so
quick to expel any bird that does not conform to its narrowly defined code of
conduct which I find neither very Christian nor inspired. I think I will have
to investigate this new Restored Church.
12 March 1986 Wednesday
While listening to Radio Free Utah at work, I
heard this man claim that men are taught to hate other men because of the
competitive world we live in. He stated that in sports men are taught to hate
losing and therefore in effect to hate losers. In the real world, since most of
us are losers in society, in some form or another, men develop a sense of self
hatred. This man went on to say that in a noncompetitive world, there would be
nothing to struggle against and thus we would have the beginnings of a nonviolent
society. His arguments were very interesting to me and in some ways capsulated
why I have a hard time with organized sports that pit people against people. I
always preferred games where people compete against personal bests not each
other. I wonder if we will ever teach young people skills where we all can win?
I went to Affirmation again today. There were at least fifteen people there the
biggest turn out that I have seen. I feel very comfortable attending the
meeting now. I feel more like a regular then a newcomer. Gordon Jones. was at
the meeting again and announced that Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day
Saints is having Sacrament Meetings at the Crossroads Urban Center on Sundays.
The rest of the meeting was facilitated by John Cooper. Paul wasn't here
tonight.
13 March 1986 Thursday
Changes are taking place at Utah Title; however, I don't know how they will affect me yet. Shauna Mayeda was made Bob Elcock’s assistant and most of the examiners are taking it really badly. We are afraid of her becoming a tyrant. John Smith said to me that he’s thinking about quitting because he doesn’t like Bob Elcock. Last January, he told Ed Rogers, the company’s co-owner that he thought Bob should be fired so I guess John has dug his own grave. I took off during my lunch hour and drove to the University of Utah where Geraldine Ferraro was to speak at noon. Ferraro is the first woman nominated to run for the office of Vice Presidency of the United States. However, her plane was delayed and she didn't give her talk until after 1 p.m. and I had to return to work. It rained for most of the morning but the weather is nice now. I can't believe how quickly gas prices are falling. Right now, you can get unleaded gas at 81 cents a gallon when just last December we were paying a $1.25!. The price for a barrel of oil keeps falling and as it does, the price of gasoline keeps going down. It sure is good on the old pocketbook. Still, it’s hard to absorb the change so quickly. It's like what they call future shock or something. President Reagan still wants Congress to send money to the Contras in Central America. I say let's stay out of it. If we would not have supported the Samoza's dictatorship for all these years perhaps we wouldn't have the Communists sympathizers in Central America in the first place. When Vice President Bush was CIA director he made deals with the devils down there all over the place. I am sure it won't be long until we have advisors there training the Contras and then WHAM it’s another Viet Nam. I’ve been thinking about the Savior lately and my personal relationship to Him and what the gospel means to me. I have decided to go to church services of the All LDS Sacrament meeting this Sunday at the Crossroad Urban Center. I don't make this decision lightly because attending this meeting is something I could be excommunicated for by the LDS Church. But I don't seem to care anymore. I joined the Mormon Church in 1972 when I was 21 years. I have been in the church my entire adult life and I still do not feel welcomed. Upon hearing Elder Feliz on the radio, for the first time in a long time, I feel excited about religion again. As I said I have never truly felt quite at home in the Mormon Church but since I was taught the restored gospel there, I used to feel that they had it all. I am not so sure anymore. I am not sure if the Corporation of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has a place for me, without my being so utterly twisted so that I can conform to their vision of what the gospel is. If the gospel is to be preached to Jew and Gentile; is it not also to embrace Gay and Straight? I am beginning to really feel as the LDS church is so constricted by the Law of Moses that it is entirely incapable of mobilizing to meet my needs anymore. Isn't the one as important as the many? Then there is this divisiveness that prevails in Salt Lake City between the haves and the have nots. Why is there a west and east side to Salt Lake City? That question has always bothered me ever since I moved here in 1976. The west part of town is ghetto-ized by the indifference of the eastside’s. And the west keeps creeping further east! I am almost at the 3rd East block in SLC and yet we are considered on the west side. I don't want to get caught up in western materialism, where even Mormons feel that if someone is rich then God is blessing them for being good. All I really understand anymore is that my Father in Heaven only requires two things from me. That is to love Him with all my mind, strength, and being and to love one another as I love myself. It really seems so simple. God does not care what we do as long as we do it out of love for Him and each other. I feel like I am changing inside myself faster than I can momentarily comprehend. It's too much to think about right now. Good night. It rained most of the morning but the weather was fine for most of the day. In the news there is this guy named Terry William Cunard alias Steven L. Fox preying upon vulnerable Gay men.
15 March 1986 Saturday
No Entry
Additional Material “Sara” by Jefferson Starship is number one song on national charts.
16 March 1986 Sunday
I attended church for the first time since
returning to Utah last August. It was not my local LDS Church Ward either. I
went to what was the third meeting of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter
Day Saints here in Salt Lake City. I had heard from Gordon Jones that the
meetings were held at the Crossroads Urban Center around 2:00 p.m. so I came
about a half hour early. There was just one other person downstairs in the
foyer, a pleasant looking young fellow but we did not speak. I dared not or I
was afraid I would bolt from the place. I just sat down on one of the old
couches in the parlor and waited to see what was happening. Eventually this
sweet looking older man, dressed in a comfortable business suit, came down the
stairs, noticed me, introduced himself as Elder Lamar Hamilton and welcomed me.
He then talked to the young man whose name is David Ewing telling him that the
business meeting was taking longer than expected and that Sacrament wouldn't be
ready until two-thirty. After Elder Hamilton disappeared back upstairs, David
and I began to visit some. He is the Church's historian so I asked him about
the background of the church. He told me little except that church was started
in Los Angeles last August by members of the Los Angeles Chapter of Affirmation.
Coincidently the church was started on the very same day I had left California
to return to Utah. He also said that Elder Hamilton as well as Elder Feliz were
instrumental in organizing the church. Ewing had come to Salt Lake City from
Los Angeles with the men upstairs to bring the church to Salt Lake City. Ewing
said they had been busy having been on Radio Free Utah, talked to some of the
Gay organizations, I can't remember which, and the church was even featured in
a Gay magazine called the Triangle. Ewing showed me a copy of it and the church
was on its cover. I guess the magazine is brand new. At two-thirty, Ewing and I
went upstairs to a central meeting room where several other men were already
sitting and waiting for Sacrament to begin. Lamar Hamilton, the man who had
welcomed me downstairs conducted the meeting while Antonio A. Feliz presided.
Elder Feliz was who I had heard on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. The only
person in the room whom I knew from before was Gordon B. Jones from Affirmation.
He was that blond Southern boy from Norfolk, Virginia, who first brought the
church to my attention. It was a very informal Sacrament meeting with them but
felt very familiar. I did not take the Sacrament. I came strictly to observe
and to learn what this church is all about. I learned that Elder Feliz and
Elder Hamilton were like the presidency or something similar. Elder Feliz was
not at all what I expected. He was very polished, very aware of his image. I
imagine that he's in his late forties or early fifties. He's Latin and his hair
has gone salt and pepper. Kind of a slick Cesar Romero. Something about his
aural made me skeptical although his words were soothing and authoritative. He
could speak LDS-ese very well. Elder Feliz's talk was on the priesthood. He
basically stated that since priesthood is eternal and originated before there
was any Church authority, it can never really be taken away and it can be
exercised outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He stated
that he doesn't need permission to continue exercising his priesthood authority
and that all churches that have received priesthood authority from Joseph Smith
are valid. There's no doubt that Elder Feliz is eloquent and what he said about
the priesthood being eternal made sense to me. But it was Elder Hamilton who
spoke to my spirit not my intellect. When he talked, he said something
seemingly out of the blue that just grabbed a hold of me. He said that we are
only bound to what he called the Royal Law, that being, the two greatest
commandments to love God and one's neighbor. He said that they are truly the
only requirements for a Christian life. The Holy Spirit seemed to witness to me
that the words of Elder Hamilton were true and all my fears about this church
being some type of wacky cult dissipated. I feel like God is bringing about a
new beginning to bless the lives of his Gay and Lesbian children and all others
who had a belief in the message of the Restored Gospel. As the meeting was
winding down, I took note of the others attending this Sacrament meeting. There
were probably nine men including myself. They were Elders Hamilton and Feliz of
course, Gordon B. Jones, David Ewing, Bob McIntier, who had to leave early
because he is on the Board of Directors of the Metropolitan Community Church,
Jon Butler, a handsome man with a neatly trimmed beard who sat quiet all
through the meeting, and Russ Lane, a tall lanky handsome Scottish looking man.
I was mostly impressed by Elder Hamilton and the vibrant enthusiasm of Russ
Lane. After closing prayer, Russ Lane invited everyone to an Affirmation
meeting. I was really confused at first but Russ said that this one is
different from the Salt Lake Affirmation. I told Russ that I would come back
for his meeting. I left the Crossroads Urban Center riding on a cloud. I felt
uplifted and committed to further attending the meetings of the Church of Jesus
Christ of All Latter Day Saints. In fact, I knew that I had to come clean with
Fran and tell her what I have been doing. At home I sat her down and told her
that I had been attending Affirmation, a support group for Gay Mormons and not
Overeaters Anonymous. I took a deep breath and then also told her that I had
been at a so-called Apostate church meeting and that I am going back tonight to
attend another Affirmation meeting. She took it really well and so I asked her
if she would like to come with me to Affirmation. I was not really surprised
when she said yes because Franis a people person and likes to socialize so much
so, that if I said we were going to a snake eating contest, she would grab her
coat and away we would go. She loves to meet new people and that is one of the
qualities of hers that I really love. Affirmation was at seven p.m. at the
Crossroads Urban Center and there was a much larger turn out for it then there
were for church maybe about fifteen people. Russ Lane conducted the meeting and
his enthusiasm for the group is just contagious. I felt the spirit so much
stronger at this meeting then at the Wednesday Night group. I almost feel
disloyal saying that because I love that group for helping me come out of the
closet. That was the first place I had ever admitted in public that I was a Gay
married man, Jeez! It was really fun for Fran and I to get out and meet new
people. When Fran introduced herself to the group, she said she had no problems
being here because she has always liked fags! Then she said I even married one.
That got a laugh. But it's true. Prior to marrying Fran her best friend was a
Gay guy named Michael. At home I talked to Fran about how strongly I feel about
joining this Gay church and it freaks her out to no end. But I feel like the
Savior wants be to be a part of this new movement and if it be of God, it will
stand. When Lamar Hamilton's spirit spoke to me, I had a witness that the
spirit of the Lord is with this undertaking. There is something new and
exciting in the air and I want to be a part of it. I want the anointing of the
spirit. It was amazing that all the things that I heard spoken at Sacrament
Meeting, were words that the Lord had already told me in my own way. This
feeling reminds me of how much the Lord loves all and it echoes from my past
when the Lord tried to use me once before back in 1972 to help redeem those whom
the world once called Sons of Belial through when I was too young and fragile
to understand the meaning of a Jaredite Priesthood. But now someone is also
preaching the same message to be kind, to be gentle, to be loving, to be
charitable, and to love God with all my mind, heart, and soul and all will be
well. Aligning myself with this church does make me nervous and fearful of
being hated for being Gay but if God is with us who can be against us. I feel
like I have been reborn. A new beginning. And so many neat people! Gay people!
Fran now knows the direction that my life is heading. I don't have to sneak
around and lie to her about where I go. Big question. How will this affect our
marriage? Don't know. I know I can't go back to my former life. If I do I shall
be as dead as a pillar of salt. I heard on the news that Clair Harwood died of
AIDS at St. Benedict Hospital in Ogden. He was only 26 years old. I have been
given a second chance to live my life.
Additional Material:
Robert Morgan McIntier was born October 23, 1948, to Morgan E. (Bud)
and Beth M. McIntier in Pocatello, Idaho. He passed away on February 2, 2016 at
his home in West Valley City, Utah, after a struggle with cancer. His three
passions in life were electronic gadgets, music, and television broadcasting.
In school, he could always be found setting up microphones or lighting for a
school play, assembly, or dance, as well as for church events. He sang in the
Highland High School choir, and in smaller groups, including a quartet that won
local and regional competitions. His long career in television included KID-TV,
KTLE, and KPVI in Pocatello, and KUTV and KSL in Salt Lake City, before moving
into the manufacturing of television studio equipment. He served a two-year
mission for the LDS Church in England. Following that, he served in numerous
capacities in both the LDS Church and other churches devoted to the LGBT
community. He served for two years on the board of directors of the Utah Stonewall
Center. He was preceded in death by his parents. Interment will be at the
Sunset Lawn Memorial Gardens in Salt Lake City
17 March 1986 Monday
No Entry
18 March 1986 Tuesday
I am having a very hard time keeping up with
this journal but I feel like I must really try to record the events of this
year as accurately as I can. I know it will only be through my eyes and
perception, and I wonder if that can ever be considered truly accurate, but
it’s a beginning. At work I am being jerked around by Bob Elcock. He called me
into his office to discuss whether to keep me in the department I’ve created or
put me back into searching. He is on a power trip because he cannot stand the
fact that he doesn't know what I am doing or how. But he knows I get results. I
told him that it really didn’t matter to me if he put me back into searching
titles, although it really did, but I also said that my experience on the
computer is very valuable to the company because no one knows the computer
operations like I do. So, he agreed, thank God
to let me stay in my department for a little while longer until he gets
another wild hair up his butt. Then he said that I was due a raise between $50
and $100 a month. I told him I wanted the $100 but will have to see if I get
it. Bob said also that he wanted me to train the entry level people he wants to
hire for the department on the computer.
I guess Brent Greenwood is going to take over Kevin Merrills Title
Officer position and Robyn Garlick will be taking over Bob’s old office so that
means they will want to hire two new
title examiners. It was a pretty day today although somewhat cool. The trees
are still just beginning budding out although it’s not officially spring yet.
Fran is tired tonight and she fell asleep as I was reading to her revelations
from the Hidden Treasures and Promises. They are a collection of
revelations given to people in the Restoration Church regarding its
organization. Most are written by Antonio Feliz but some are by others. As I
understand it, the Restoration Church sees itself somewhat like the Reorganized
LDS Church. The founders believe that God has to raise up a new church because
the LDS Church refuses to preach the Gospel to all nations, kindreds, and
tongues, because they will not preach the Gospel to practicing homosexuals.
Therefore, they were not keeping God's commandments. If missionaries go to a
house with open homosexuals they are told not to teach them the gospel. Tony Feliz
says that Gays are like a separate nation, like Gypsies, and we are only
recognizable to each other. I always felt like that when I stated that I felt
like a stranger in a strange land. Only when I am with Gay people do I feel a
sense of kinship, of Familia. Tony Feliz is also preaching that since
priesthood exists independent of churches, they may confer priesthood but they
can never take it away. That is why when someone is excommunicated and then
reinstated, his priesthood is not given anew but the authority to use it is
only restored. Churches might not recognize a person's authority to exercise
that priesthood in their church, but that is all they can do. The Restoration
Church therefore recognizes all priesthood as continuing with a person even if
they have been excommunicated from the Mormon Church. The Restoration Church
also will confer the Melchizedek Priesthood on women as does the Reorganized
LDS Church. My priesthood lineage is from Steven Madsen who received his from
N. Eldon Tanner, who received his from David O. McKay who received his from
Joseph F. Smith who received his from Brigham Young, who received his from
Joseph Smith. I am seven degrees away from Joseph Smith. I tried calling Jon
Butler today. He's staying in Centerville. I couldn't catch him at home. We
talked last Sunday briefly about going to California this coming weekend for
the Spring Conference of the Restoration Church. I left a message for him to
call me but he hasn't yet. He's really cute and spiritual. I am attracted to him
a lot.
Additional Material Clair Harward excommunicated from the Mormon Church when he admitted his homosexuality died from complications resulting from AIDS. Harward died Sunday at St. Benedicts Hospital. He was 26 years. Funeral Services scheduled for Tuesday in Salt Lake City. “Right now I have found the peace I need and that I want,” Harward said last January. “I don’t need any organization or any person lay all. I don’t want to go looking out for any more opinions or beliefs.” He was diagnosed or having AIDS in August 1984. Mormon Church officials in Ogden excommunicated him from that religion last year. After they learned of his Gay life style. The Mormon Church views homosexuality as a sin in the same degree as adultery and premarital sex said Jerry Cahill, church spokesman. “The only acceptable sexual relations occur within the family between husband and wife.” After learning he had AIDS Harward said he went to his Mormon bishop to seek spiritual guidance. But he said Bruce Don Bowen, his lay bishop told him to give up his friends and identify his past sexual partners. Harward said it would be unethical to identify his Gay Friends “When I need my friends the most, they’re asking me to be alone.” Church officials offered to help Harward through counseling and medical assistance. He had been hospitalized off and on since mid January. Harward said he had been Gay since he was 17. (03/18/1985 Tribune 2C
Salt Lake City School Board enacted policy to bar any student or employee who contracts AIDS from the classroom. Box Elder and Granite School Districts previously passed same ordinance. The Salt Lake City Board of Education adopted a policy that will prohibit students and employees with AIDS from going to school. However students will be provided with home study. Employees with AIDS will immediately be suspended and placed on sick leave or be temporarily suspended with pay until a review of the employee’s medical records can determine job status. No cases of AIDS has been reported to the district. (03/19/1986 Tribune B6)
19 March 1986 Wednesday:
I went to John Cooper's Salt Lake Chapter of
Affirmation tonight and had a good experience there. It was a small turn out
but it was fun. John Cooper led the meeting. It was good to see Russ Lane again
there but he was kind of down. He said that his perspective job that he thought
he had fell through. Now he's afraid that he will have to go back to San Jose,
California if he can't find work right away.
20 March 1986 Thursday:
Today is the first day of spring! The leaves
have for the most part budded out and there are flowers every where already.
Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. I called them and they were both sick so they didn’t
do anything to celebrate. I haven't been able to get a hold of either Jon
Butler or Gordon Jones so I doubt if I'll be going this weekend to Spring
Conference in California. Russ Lane has been on my mind so much. I can't shake
this feeling of despair.
Additional Material Gays Want Spot on Demo’s Family Panel. The Democratic Party’s mission
to represent the needs of “all the people” could once again pose a political
problem as it considers a request by the National Gay and Lesbian Caucus to be
heard in a party sponsored event during Mormon Conference Weekend in Salt Lake
City. But since Democrats fear that if Gay issues become part of the panel with
the highly visible Mormon Conference occurring the same weekend, Republican
opponents would be able to blow the situation out of proportion and attach an
unfair image to the party. (SL Tribune B1)
21 March 1986 Friday:
After work, Fran and I decided to take in a
dollar movie at the Arcade Theater on 9th West and Fourth South. They were showing The Gods Must Be
Crazy and Spies Like Us. But
during the show I could not concentrate on the movie. I had the most
overwhelming feeling of despair come over me and I told Fran that I didn't want
to stay for the second show. After
coming home, Fran went to bed and I sat in the front room watching TV but I was
still very agitated. Finally turning off the television and in the darken front
room I got down on my knees and asked the Lord why I had such a feeling of
melancholy about me when earlier this week I had been the happiest I had been
in years! The answer came to me so distinctly and in a form so clear and
precise. I never had an answer to prayer come to me so strongly in years. I was
told that my feelings of despair was because Russ Lane was leaving Salt lake
City, and that he must not for the Lord had work for him here. The Savior told
me that he brought Russ Lane here to be an instrument in blessing the lives of
thousands of Latter Day Saints. By this time, I was weeping and I asked but
what can I do? And the Lord replied, "Do all you can for him, for by
serving Russ Lane you are serving me." Although it was late at night,
after I finished my prayers, I knew exactly what I had to do. I called Russ
Lane up on the phone and asked him to meet with me tomorrow. He said he would.
Then I hung up. Some way or somehow, I will keep Russ here in Salt Lake City as
long as the Lord wants him here.
22 March 1986 Saturday
I am really tired tonight so I won't write
much but I do want to record what happened today. I had to go into work at Utah
Title this morning to get caught up on some assignments. While there I made
copies of various types of title documents and searching forms because I have
decided if I am to keep Russ Lane here, I am going to have to teach him how to
do title work. Then I am going to have to get Bob Elcock to hire him as an
entry level examiner. I worked until noon and Canyon Anderson, another title examiner,
who has always been nice to me because Shawna Mayeda is our common enemy, said
he passed the Bar today to become a lawyer. I said congratulations and I was
really happy for him. Now that he’s a full-fledged lawyer, I wonder how long he
will stick around. I was done at noon, so I called Russ Lane, the leader of the
Sunday night Affirmation. and asked him if he could still meet with me. He said
he could, so I drove to where he was staying on Twelfth East with a kid name
Duane Dawson. Russ has been sleeping on
the couch while staying with Duane and his roommate. Dawson is one of the
founders of AIDS Project Utah which was started last fall. Visiting with Russ I
found out that he came to Utah around the 27th of February, on a bus from San
Jose, California because he felt that the Lord had called him to come to Utah
to start a chapter of Affirmation that was followed the General Charter of
Affirmation. The first meeting of his group was at Randy Holladay's, his
cousin, home. That was the 2nd of March and then the following Sunday, he had a
pot luck meeting which Randy again hosted at his home. This was just before I
met Russ at the Restoration Church. Thus, Russ hasn't been in Utah much more
than three weeks. At Duane Dawson's I told Russ that I might be able to get him
on at Utah Title insurance as an entry level title examiner, if he thought he
might like to do that kind of work and if he had the aptitude for it. It was
such a pretty day that we decided to get out and go down to Liberty Park where
we found a park bench to study at. However, before leaving the apartment, Russ
and I got down on our knees, held each other's hands, and asked for a blessing
on our endeavors; that Russ might quickly find work, that he might stay in Salt
Lake to accomplish all that the Lord wants him to do. At Liberty Park, we sat
at a picnic bench and went over all the different types of documents in real
estate that a title examiner would have to know. Russ is bright and a quick
learner. I know that he is capable of doing this type of work and now its up to
me to sell Russ Lane to Bob Elcock. I pray that it is God's will. Tomorrow,
Sacrament Meeting with be conducted by Jon Butler.
Additional Material
March 22nd-23rd, 1986: First General Conference takes place 4953 Franklin Avenue Los Angeles, California. Pamela Calkins is ordained a High Priest and made 2nd counselor in temporary presidency HT&P 16 canonized
23 March 1986 Sunday
Today is the first Spring Conference of the
Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints. The Saints are meeting in Los Angeles
and in Salt Lake City. There were only a few of us in attendance in Salt Lake
but the spirit was strong among us. We all bore our newly acquired testimonies
of the Restoration Church and then we sang as our closing hymn, "God Be
With You Until We Meet Again." Jon Butler conducted the meeting. I took
Sacrament for the first time in almost a year. I feel more worthy than I have
in years because I have thrown out that millstone called the Law of Moses. I
really feel the Lord's spirit in this little flock. Fran came with me to
Affirmation tonight and there was a pretty big turnout crowded into the parlor
of the Crossroads Urban Center. Russ discussed formally organizing the Wasatch
Chapter of Affirmation as the official chapter of Affirmation in Salt Lake City
by the adoption of the rules of the General Charter. A sticking point was
having an opening prayer at the meeting. The General Charter states that all
Affirmation meetings should start with an opening prayer. However, some in the
group really opposed the notion of praying at Affirmation. But Russ was quite
adamant about following the rules of the General Charter and could not be
swayed. This really cute young guy, named Scott Mills, gave Russ Lane the most
trouble over whether we should open the meeting with prayer or not. It was
finally voted on by all paid members and it passed. Wasatch Affirmation would
follow the rules of the General Charter. I then spoke up and suggested that if
there are those who do not care to pray in public they might consider joining
the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation which doesn't open with prayer but is a
very good group. It was a good meeting but a long one. Subsequently, Wasatch
Affirmation is official as of tonight. It was a good spiritual feast of a day.
24 March 1986 Monday
First thing this morning, I went into Bob
Elcock's office and told him that I have a friend who is looking for work and
who is an excellent candidate for an entry level title examiner position. Bob
looked at me really skeptically so I poured it on. I told Bob that if he would
hire Russ, I would personally guarantee his production every day and that I
would personally train him as well as get all my work done. What clinched it, I
think, is that I said to him, "Bob, as a new manager, you need to hire
people who only know you as the supervisor and who will not question everything
you want done around here. I will promise you that Russ and I will support you
in all your decisions, and further more if you hire Russ, you will always have
me in your back pocket because I will owe you one." Bob then asked when
can Russ come in and I said he can come in today for an interview. Bob said,
"Fine, have him come in at three O'clock". After leaving Bob's
office, I called Russ to come in for an interview. When Russ came in later in
the afternoon, Bob was so impressed with Russ' appearance that he just had him
fill out an application and simply asked him, "When can you start?"
That was all the interviewing Russ had to do. Russ told Bob that he needed time
to go back to California to pack and ship his things out to Utah. He also
needed to unload his apartment out there in San Jose. Accordingly, Bob said be
ready to start on April 1st. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.
The Lord's hand was so evident in this. Russ has a job now and Affirmation can
continue under his dynamic and enthusiastic leadership. I heard a song on
KRCL's Radio Free Utah with the lyrics that in part went like this, "You
got here by the grace of God. What an elegant way to arrive." I just love
that because that is how I am feeling. What an elegant way to arrive.
25 March 1986 Tuesday
No entry
26 March 1986 Wednesday
Russ Lane left for California after he was
hired at Utah Title by the grace of God. He will start as an entry level title
examiner. I know the hand of the Lord was in this. Because of my prayers and
fasting over the weekend, the Lord granted me the desire of my heart to have a
friend at work. I told Russ Lane that he could come stay with Fran and me when
he returns because we have a spare room in the house we are renting. Fran
better not squawk after I put up with her friend Tony Fillman last February. Russ
needed to go back to San Jose to finalize some things he left hanging there. I
told him that I would take him down to the Greyhound Bus Station on South
Temple so when he was ready, I went over to Duane Dawson's apartment where Jon
Butler, Gordon Jones., and a friend of Jon's named Johnny Welch were already
there. They had come to see Russ off. Before taking Russ to the bus station, I
really felt impressed to give Russ a blessing. Jon, Gordon and I went to the
laundry room where we wouldn't be disturbed and we laid our hands on his head.
I was impressed to bless him that his health would endure and that he would be
able to accomplish all the things he had to do in San Jose. In closing I heard
these words come out of my mouth, which said, "Russ Lane, thou art my
daily delight." It was a sweet blessing and we all felt filled with the
spirit. After we finished, I drove Russ down to Greyhound where Jon, Gordon,
and Johnny met us. We waited with Russ until his bus came. He looked so cute,
tall and ruddy, wearing a black Iowa Letterman jacket and a tweed cap. As his
bus pulled away an empty feeling swept over me but it soon was replaced when
Jon Butler suggested we all go over to Kent Allen's place just south of the
McDonalds on 7th East. There we picked up a cot that Kent said Russ could use
to sleep on. Johnny Welch had to leave after that. While driving around town
with Jon and Gordon, I felt so close to them and we talked about how we felt
that God is bringing a wonderful thing to pass and how exciting it was to be
part of it. Jon Butler is also unemployed and he said that he would be
interested in getting on at Utah Title too. He had just lost a job at the
University of Utah. I said I would most certainly try, and there is a good
chance that Bob might hire him on my suggestion too. I felt so much love and
brotherhood for Jon and Gordon, almost like I was a kid again. Last Sunday was
Gordon's birthday and at Affirmation he got carried around and spanked! He was
wearing leather chaps and looking so cute. Today I gave him an old brass belt
buckle that had embossed on it the Salt Lake Temple. Gary Ratliff gave it to me
years ago but I never wore it. I told Gordon that it was a belated birthday
present. I am truly grateful for Gordon because if not for him I would not have
heard about the Restoration Church and not have met Jon Butler and Russ Lane.
27 March 1986 Thursday
When I came home from lunch I felt such an
overwhelming feeling that I had to write down something that was flooding my
mind. It is very hard to describe the feeling but it was like words were being
placed in my mind and my hand was just writing them down. It was like the
Spirit of the Lord was revealing his love for Gay and Lesbian people and their
place in the Celestial Kingdom. It came so quickly and clearly to me during my
lunch hour and was several notebook pages long. I felt so utterly drained and
wiped out for the rest of the day. When I came home from work, I reread what I
had written and I started to cry. It was so beautiful. My first thoughts was to
share it with Fan but I am afraid that she would just scoff at me and it, so I
sealed it in an envelope and mailed it to Tony Feliz. As head of the church, I
felt that he should read it first before anyone else. I think Fran feels
threatened by my increasing involvement with the Restoration Church and my
desire to serve the Lord as I understand Him. I feel like a great and marvelous
work is about to be poured out upon the heads of Gay and Lesbian people of this
world. I have invited Jon Butler and
Gordon Jones over for Easter dinner. I've also heard that Elder Feliz and Elder
Hamilton are coming back up to Salt Lake this weekend. Accordingly, I'll offer
our house as a place to stay if they do. I am just so grateful that I can be
instrumental in helping the Lord achieve his purpose of blessings the lives of
Gay and Lesbian people and especially for being able to help Russ Lane
establish himself so that he can bless the lives of hundreds perhaps thousands
of Gay Latter Day Saints. Affirmation is a great work but my heart is with the
Restoration church. I will give the Brethren my application for membership this
weekend. I am seriously considering being baptized this weekend as a member of
the Church. Fran is totally freaking out about the events that have taken place
in my life so quickly these past few weeks. I am really tired now so I'll go to
bed. In the news Reagan is trying to
start a war with Libya as well as in Central America. We truly must stand in
Holy Places.
Additional Material Pamela Calkins receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 19, which teaches Lynn LaMasters about the temple ceremonies.
“These Dreams" by Heart number one song on the national charts.
28 March 1986 Friday:
Came home from work today and spent much of
the evening cleaning the house and grocery shopping for our weekend guests.
Fran and I are both excited about having company this weekend. I learned from
Jon Butler that Lamar Hamilton isn't able to come and I'm disappointed because
of that. Nevertheless, Elder Feliz is coming up with another fellow from the
church and Elder Pamela Calkins, who is the first female Melchizedek Priesthood
holder in the church, is coming also with her lover. So, we should have a house
full for sure. The cot I borrowed from Kent Allen for Russ Lane will come in
handy. I will put it in the front room as sort of a day bed. I am really
looking forward to this weekend
29 March 1986 Saturday
After Fran left for work, I got up early also
to prepare for tomorrow's Easter dinner. Additionally, I made a platter of egg
salad and tuna salad sandwiches for the California Saints when they arrive. I
know that they will be hungry when they get here, and tired. I was looking for
them to come in around noon but it was nearly 2 p.m. before they pulled up to
the house. While waiting, I made use of the time by making some lemon cookies
because I was so antsy for them to get here. Well, they finally arrived in this
little foreign car, and they wobbled out, having been crammed into the small
sedan for some 750 miles and for 16 hours. I was so excited when they finally
arrived that I just scooped them all up and brought them into the house where I
offered them rest and refreshments. Pamela J. Calkins was a stocky looking
woman, wearing blue jeans, a color t-shirt, work shoes and a leather man's
belt. I'd say she was about thirty years old sporting short cropped hair which
framed her mannish face and square jaw. But she had the rosiest cheeks and the
friendliest manner that betrayed her stereotypical Lesbian dress. However next
to her lover Lynn LeMasters, Pam looked absolutely girlish! Lynn looked much
younger than Pam and was a blond while Pam was a brunette. Lynn also wore blue
jeans with a turtle neck knit shirt over which she wore a flannel plaid cotton
work shirt. Lynn's blond hair was swept back into a Jimmy Dean duck tail.
Looking past the outwardly Dyke appearance, the more I visited with Pam and
Lynn, the more I grew to love them. They are so full of hearty goodness, and
love, and I think they are sweet women although I am sure they wouldn't want to
be called that by me. Tony Feliz looked haggard from the long journey and he
wore dark sun glasses because he couldn't find his regular glasses. He looked
every bit his age and was dressed like a middle aged fashionable Mormon Bishop.
His traveling companion was a much younger man, named Eddie Muldong. He is a
nice looking slender well built Filipino, slightly shorter than me. I found out
later that he's just 19 years old. The travelers were still so keyed up from
their trip that I brought chairs out on the front porch and we sat and visited
while they unwound. It was a gorgeous spring day. I served them the sandwiches
and cookies, and of course the dogs ran out to greet them and say hi and sniff
and be generally obnoxious, but hey its their home too. When Fran came home
from work there was a houseful of "faggots" as she says and I was
happy. About three o'clock, Tony Feliz and Pamela Calkins had to leave for an
interview they were giving on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. The show
wanted to interview Pam because she is the first Lesbian to ever hold the
Melchizedek Priesthood. Pamela Calkins is an Elder in the church and her lover
Lynn holds the Aaronic Priesthood. I believe Lynn said she was a Priest. Eddie
and Lynn are both converts to the gospel specifically from the efforts of the
Restoration Church. They had never been Mormon before. Pam taught Lynn the
gospel and Lynn became the first person to be baptized into the Restoration
Church who hadn’t any LDS background. I believe she said she was baptized last
November. I could be wrong. While Tony and Pam were gone, Eddie and Lynn caught
up on some much needed sleep and crashed in the living room on the cot I made
into a bed. My dog Toby found a friend in Lynn and curled up with her to sleep.
Both Lynn and Eddie love our animals especially sweet natured Toby and our cat
Fat Jack. Yes Sam it’s true you are a rotten dog that only your daddy can love.
Everyone couldn’t get over how huge Fat Jack is. They said he should be a Bob
Cat not just a house cat. He's like Garfield, an orange tabby with a humongous
tail. Poor misunderstood Jackie. He ain't fat. He's fluffy. When Tony and Pam
returned from taping the program, I fixed a pot of soup and we all finished off
the rest of the sandwiches. A busy evening was planned because I learned that
Tony and Pam are here to interview people for positions in the branch that is
going to be organized in Salt Lake City. It will be the first branch of the
church. The rest of the evening was spent in a flurry of comings and goings as
people dropped by the house to visit with the California Saints and to make
their appointments for their interviews. Jon Butler and Gordon Jones were over
much of the evening and it looks like Gordon is really in love with Jon. They
appear to have become an item since the last time I saw them. I was really
attracted to Jon at first, but I kept
thinking what can I do about it? I am a married man. And besides, I like Gordon
too much and if he has his eyes set on Jon, I won't get in the way. Although
truthfully, I'm a little jealous. When it was my time to be interviewed I gave
Tony my application for membership. However, I told him that I was not ready to
be formally baptized this weekend because I want Russ Lane to be present. Then
we talked and I told Tony about my experiences back in 1972 and 1973 with the
spirit writings that I had given to Paul H. Dunn and how from those writings I
knew even back then that homosexuality was not an issue with the Lord. I don't
know if he believed me and he said that he had not received the letter I had
sent the other day. It was hard to make out what he thought, but I know that if
he is sincere and not on just some type of ego trip he will recognize my
sincerity. After all that, Tony cut to the chase and asked me if I was called
to be Branch President who would I call for counselors. I thought back to the
love that Jon, Gordon , and I shared and had for each other after taking Russ
to the bus terminal and I did not hesitate to say I would choose Jon and
Gordon. I immediately sensed by the expression on his face that this was not
the answer he wanted to hear, so I told him, I know the Lord wants me to be
instrumental in this movement, and I am willing to serve wherever the Lord
calls me to serve. After my interview I visited with Bob McIntier and Jon who
was waiting with Gordon. Tony earlier informed me that he developed a reaction to
our cats in the house and is going to sleep at Bob's house in Rose Park, where
bob has more room, and a bed. All in all, it was a very special day. I feel
like I've known these people for a long time not just having met today. I feel
like I finally belong, and what I always felt the Mormon Church should be like.
I am with people who understand and care about me rather then sit in judgment
of me. I can tell that Fran just loves having women in the house, and I know
she likes Pam and Lynn. I wonder although what she really thinks when she sees
them kiss? What does a straight man feel when he sees two men kiss? All I see
is something perfectly natural and wonderful. An expression of love.
Additional Material Elder Pamela J. Calkins 1956-1994 Pamela J. Calkins was the daughter
of James and Glennda Calkins. She was born in California 17 May 1956 and died
there 24 October 1994. She was the first Lesbian to hold the Melchizedek
Priesthood, and when excommunicated from the LDS Church she was brought before
a High Priest Stake Council. She was a founding member of the Restoration
Church of Jesus Christ established August 13, 1985. She held the positions of
Apostle and was a member of the First Presidency. Despondent over some legal
troubles and Mormon homophobia, Pamela J. Calkins took her own life in 1994.
She was 38 years old. She taught that Gay people, being a tenth of the world's
population, were God's special tithing back to our world with the purpose of
making it a more beautiful and just place.
• "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco number
one song on national charts
30 March 1986 Easter Sunday
Busy, busy, busy day with baptisms, Easter
Dinner, Sacrament Meeting, and Affirmation, all today. Lynn LeMasters and
Pamela Calkins spent the night at the house while Tony Feliz and Eddie Muldong
stayed over at Bob McIntire’s to sleep. Bob lives on the western edge of Salt
Lake City, off of 700 North and Redwood Road on Dorothea Way. When I got up I
fixed Lynn, Pam, Fran and me a light breakfast before everyone started arriving
over here. At first there had been only two baptisms scheduled today, but John
Crane, the Church's Evangelist, arrived last night with his Filipino lover and
he wanted to be baptized also this Easter morning. After the rest had left to
go down to a house on 5th East and 27th South, where they knew someone willing
to let his hot tub be used as a baptism font, Fran started dragging her heals
and almost made me late. I believe she was really freaking out about attending
an "apostate" baptismal service, and I lost my patience with her. I
told that "I am going, with or without you." Then I, frustrated,
asked, "Why do you always have to spoil everything spiritual that I feel I
need to do?" Needless to say, my attitude could have been better but soon
the little fight I had with Fran was dissipated as I stepped out into the
absolutely gorgeous bright morning light. The sky was dazzlingly deep and
clear. Spring flowers, tulips, crocuses, hyacinths were everywhere. All the
trees were brightly sporting their new little green leaves, and truly the world
seemed like it was wearing its new Easter clothes. When I reached the house
where the baptismal services were taking place, in South Salt Lake, I went to
the backyard where people were already dressed in their baptismal robes. We
sang a few hymns and Pamela Calkins gave a talk on baptism being a symbol of
the Lord's resurrection and how appropriate it seems to perform this sacred
ordinance on Easter Sunday. The only real difference I could see between this
baptismal service and an LDS one was the taking of the oath of the Baptismal
covenant. In the All Latter Day Saints Restoration Church baptismal candidates
recite a passage from the Book of Mormon and then lift their arm to the square
to take an oath that they will lived by the covenant that the Prophet Alma
administered at the Waters of Mormon. “And it came to pass that he said unto
them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and
now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his
people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those
that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times
and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that
ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first
resurrection, that ye may have eternal life.”
Baptismal candidates of the Restoration Church take this oath to mourn
with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. It was
really touching and moving to see Bob McIntier, Gordon, and John Crane raise
their arms to the square and promised to keep the above Baptismal Covenant as
recorded in the Book of Mormon. Baptism by the All Latter Day Saint Church is
not essential for membership in the church because since priesthood is eternal,
the Restoration church recognizes any baptism that was performed with proper
priesthood authority whether it was done in the LDS Church, the RLDS Church or
the FLDS Churches. So once baptized into any of the restoration churches, that
received its authority from Joseph Smith, it is really not necessary to be
rebaptized into the All Latter Day Church. It's more symbolic then necessary.
Gordon B. Jones was baptized by Jon Butler, Bob McIntier was baptized by Lynn,
and John Crane was baptized by Eddie. The service was over by 11 a.m. and it
was one of the best baptisms I had ever witnessed and the Holy Spirit was
abundant and strong there. I left before the others did because I had to race
home to play "Martha" and get Easter dinner ready. I fixed glazed ham
with pineapple slices, creamed corn, fresh green beans, creamy scalloped
potatoes, candied yams, Mormon coleslaw, and a marinated broccoli and cherry
tomato salad. I also had rolls, and for desert I made strawberry short cake.
When the Saints all came back to the house, they couldn't believe that I had
time to whip this all up with how busy we all have been this weekend. The house
was packed for Easter dinner and we just spread out onto the porch, the front
room, as well as the dining room. I just loved having a house full of Gay
people. In all there were my wife, Pamela Calkins, Lynn LeMasters., Tony Feliz,
Eddie Muldong., John Crane and his lover who spoke so little English that I
never learned his name, Bob McIntier, Jon Butler., Gordon Jones, and this boy
from Provo, Mike Howard. who just happened to have heard about the church and
dropped by. We ate, and drank fruit punch, laughed at stories about our
Gayness, and I really felt the Lord's spirit among us. It was such a sweet day
and was truly wonderful to have the Saints gathered in my house and to have the
first branch of the church established here in my home. Near two o'clock we had
to leave our dinner and rush down to the Crossroad Urban Center to prepare Sacrament.
At the meeting Tony Feliz presided and Pam Calkins conducted. A lot of the
meeting was taken up with Tony relating the business of the Spring Conference
in Los Angeles and what had transpired there last weekend. I smiled when Tony
Feliz stated that at the closing of conference he said he was prompted to
change the scheduled closing hymn to "God Be With You Until We Meet
Again", which was the very same hymn that I was prompted to close last
week's Sacrament meeting with also. I believe the Lord was indeed sending his
spirit to each of his small Gay flocks to bond us together in spirit. During
the meeting we officially voted to organize the Salt Lake members into a Branch
of the Church. Actually, we will be the only branch of the church since the Los
Angeles flock is not nearly so organized. It was at this meeting that Bob
McIntier was called to be the first Branch President and to my surprise I was
called to be a Bishop Agent. I had no Idea what that even entailed until after
Sacrament when Tony explained each of our responsibilities. Bob McIntier's
responsibility is to oversee the spiritual growth of our little flock in Salt
Lake City and I am to oversee the temporal growth of the church here. I am
suppose to find a more suitable place to meet for Sacrament then the Crossroad
Urban Center. I am still not sure what a Bishop Agent is since I never heard of
it before in the LDS Church. But I am responsible directly to Lamar Hamilton,
who is now the Presiding Bishop of the Church. I am to send all offerings and
tithing monies to Los Angeles and things like that. I am not one of Bob's
counselors but rather we are supposed to have separate authority and yet do
everything in harmony and act like counselors. I really don't know Bob McIntier
all that well. He is kind of hard to get to know but I think he is genuinely
kind hearted. Though it sort of bothers me, that he left the gospel to join the
Metropolitan Church for a while. But again, I do feel that he is a sweet man,
and if Bob is the one that the Lord wants to direct this flock, I will sustain
him with all my heart. At church, this fellow, I don't remember his name,
attended Sacrament meeting and he asked Pamela Calkins to give him a blessing.
I went with Pam and she and I laid our hands on his head and gave him a
blessing of comfort. He was so very frightened because he had been summoned to
a High Stake Court and he was sure he was going to be excommunicated. He was so
scared. Both Pam and I gave him a blessing, and the Lord's spirit spoke through
me telling him that whenever a door closes, another opens. And I do believe
this in my heart. I also do believe in the mission of the Restoration Church to
take the cast offs from the Mormon Church. We will take in the despised and the
rejected, whom the Lord loves and wants to bless but yet do not fit into the
narrow confines of the Pharisaic LDS Church. After church some of us went back
to the house where we took a nap. Eddie stayed with us while Tony went back
over to Bob's place. Affirmation was at seven p.m. and Fran and I went although
there was a small turn out. Without Russ Lane, the meeting was a dud. I see so
clearly now why the Lord wants the charismatic Russ Lane here in Salt Lake. Now
if I could just get him to join the Restoration Church! What a dynamic leader
we would have. At Affirmation Fran invited Stan Dickey home to join us for
dinner. "Stinky Stan", as Fran and I refer to this character, because
he doesn't bathe much, is eccentric to say the least and is really funny.
Short, frumpy, sporting always, a two day old beard, Fran took a liking to this
portly Stan but then she is always looking to take in strays. That is why we
ended up with three cats. Anyway Pam, Lynn, Eddie, Stinky Stan, Jon, Gordon,
and Fran and I played card games and when it was getting late, Stan asked if he
could spend the night so we said yes. He didn't have any night clothes so Fran
gave him one of her frilly flannel night gowns to wear. He looked so at home in
it. Bizarre. Eddie also decided to spend the night because I guess he was
having more fun here then over at Bob's. As the evening got late, I sat on the
couch, holding Eddie in my arms, visiting with Jon, Gordon, Stan, Lynn, and
Pam. Fran was having a great time reveling in being the center of attention,
and telling funny stories with her outrageous gregarious personality at full
tilt. Here it is the end of March and I have met such neat people in such a
short time. I feel blessed. In the news
actor James Cagney died who I enjoyed in Yankee Doodle Dandy so much.
Added Material Michael Sherman Howard, 51, peacefully, and with grace and dignity,
passed away on September 23, 2008 at the home of his parents in Lehi, Utah
after a long and patient struggle with cancer. He was born to Ken and Rae
Howard on June 9, 1957 in Provo, Utah. He was the oldest of four children. One
of the family's favorite stories of "Mikey" as a child was of him
drawing buildings, with a particular emphasis on endless versions of a huge
family home with adjoining residences for grandparents, parents, brothers and
sisters. Another warm memory is his fascination with building elaborate sand
castles on the beaches at Lake Powell. This trait blossomed into eclectic
expressions of art, including pieces which combined painting and sculpture with
neon lighting. Out of high school, he was a prime player in founding and
working in the family business. His genuine personality and his spirit of
serving and caring made him a favorite with the customers. In his art and
business endeavors, and at the piano, he was innovative and challenging, always
looking forward to a new adventure and another opportunity to create beauty.
Michael was a fisher of men as a missionary in the Philippine Cebu mission for
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.. Interment will be at
Timpanogos Memorial Gardens, 1000 N. 400 E., Orem, Utah.
31 March 1986 Monday
What a whirlwind month, and how my world has
turned topsy-turvy. I have admitted to myself and others, finally, that I am
indeed a Gay married man. I have become a member of a Gay Mormon Church, and
not just a member, it's Bishop Agent for the Salt Lake Branch of the church.
Because of the changes in my life and not despite of them, I am happier now
then I have been in years. After going to bed last night with a house full of
Gay people, Fran and I laid in bed and talked. I told her that my life would feel
complete if she was on my left and Eddie was on my right. Fran kissed me and
told me to go to Eddie and its okay because she loves Eddie too. Consequently,
Eddie and I clung to each other all night doing nothing but holding each other.
This morning, I got up to get ready for work while Eddie went and climbed into
bed with my wife, Pam Calkins, and Lynn, and soon even "Stinky Stan"
joined them as they all watched the morning news. They looked so happy there in
bed, warm and snuggly so much so that I hated to leave them and go to work, but
I had no choice. I was sad at work today knowing that when I get home they will
all be gone. Still, its been a fun raucous weekend. Russ Lane flew back to Utah
today and that news gladdened my heart. I went out to the Salt Lake airport to
pick him up and I held his hand driving back to the house. I was so excited
that he's back in Utah. He's sending his things parcel post. I told him about
all the excitement we had over the weekend and what a glorious time we had. I
told him that a branch of the church had been established for the first time
and it was here in Salt Lake City. I am so glad that Russ is back and is going
to be staying with Fran and me. It will make the house not feel so lonesome
after the big to do we had this weekend. Needless to say, the house was a wreck
when I got home. We didn't do any dishes over the entire weekend. Fran was a
little put out that no one had offered to help clean up. But I didn't mind
because it gave me something to do now that everyone is gone. I moved Russ' cot
from the front room to the back bedroom where he can have his privacy. He is so
clever and funny. I am just going to love having him here, and I know it's what
the Lord wants me to do. Changes in my life. It's thrilling to feel alive
again. Each day is bringing a new adventure and new people into my life. I
really hate to see March end. It was such a wonderful happy month for me. Fran
is happy that I am happy, but deep down I think she is scared of what is going
to happen to us. It can never be the same as before pretending to be a
heterosexual man. I'm sure it is just a matter of time before the LDS Church
catches up with me and excommunicates me but I don't care. I have already
replaced them in my heart.
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