Summer 3rd Quarter Journal 1990 July-September

 

JULY

1 July 1991 Monday

I was up at 4:30 this morning. I had a restless sleep sharing a twin size bed with Jimmy Hamamoto. Gary Boren started rousing the dead at 5:30 and we were all packed and ready to go by seven. It took a while for the youngster to look presentable to face Aurora. While they were primping, Gary and I went to retrieve the vans. Kathy Reiss and Nancy Perez decided to stay longer in California so I agreed to drive one of the vans back to Salt Lake. I got into a tiff with Matt Landis this morning, the arrogant little twerp. For some reason he was ragging on the Twelve Step Program of Recovery and was ignorant about the whole process. Then he started in on me saying I was intolerant and generally just bitching at me. My badger came out and I let him have it and that shut him up but as far as I am concerned Matt is a total narcissistic little conceited ass. I made sure I wasn’t with the Madonna set when we came back with the vans. I drove the van that didn’t include them, even if it meant being with Rocky O’Donovan. I have to say however, that Rocky was very contrite for some reason and almost likeable again; like he can be when he doesn’t cop an attitude. He was probably treated poorly also by the Queer Squad.  We left Polk Street at 7:30 Gary’s van got lost. Then when we met up again, Queer Nation  youngsters insisted on having breakfast before crossing the Desert. So it was nearly nine before we left San Francisco and we had to be back by midnight or Gary Boren would be on the hook for another day. I drove all the way home except for  three hours when Rocky took over, at four in the afternoon, as I was getting fatigued. He drove to Elko but after taking a nap, I was refreshed and drove home from Elko.  At Elko, the Queer Nationalists were whining again and wanted to stop and stretch and get something to eat. The vans had to be back in Salt Lake City by midnight and because of this delay we didn’t even leave Elko until 7:45. So I wrapped myself and the van in a veil of white light and then floored it. I was going nearly 90 miles per hour across the Nevada Desert listening to the Door’s long version of “Light My Fire”. When we cross the Utah border I slowed down to 80 miles per hour. I really didn’t slow down until we hit the Salt Lake Valley but I got us home by 10:30 which gave Gary plenty of time to get the vans back to Hertz. The trip home was more fun than going. My voice is completely gone; shattered from singing “Come on baby light my fire” as we sailed across the Nevada Desert at night. When I finally arrived at Bobbie Smith’s place after dropping everyone off, we briefly talked a little before I crashed. I’m tired. I’m exhausted but glad I went. I am even more glad that I’m back home in Salt Lake. Do I have any thoughts about this trip. I think the most important experience was connecting with the Faeries. The worst part was putting up with immature pretty boy faggots. I am really sick of the Queer Nation kid’s pompous attitude like they invented being young and Gay. I heard that the actor Michael Landon died of cancer today.

·         I'm Bisexual, Ex-Prison Official Says Stephen Hunt   Page: B3  Former Utah State Prison Capt. Albert Anthony Walles - imprisoned for coercing sexual favors from a male inmate - is beginning to understand his sexuality, he told the Utah Board of Pardons.   "If I had to label myself, I would have to call myself a bisexual," Walles said during a Wednesday parole hearing. "I have enjoyed sex with my wife for 16 years, and I've also enjoyed sex with men.   "But sex with men causes me trouble and I want to overcome that. That's what I'm working on. My preference is to be heterosexual."  Walles said one of the biggest hurdles was admitting his sexual preferences to others. But therapy in prison has helped, he said.  "I am afraid of being called a homosexual," he said. "Nobody wants to go home and say, `Hi Honey, I'm a queer.' Having hid it and lied about it for so long, now that I don't have to, it's eased a lot of burden."   Parole board members said Walles' sexual preference was of no concern to them, as long as it was restricted to adults.   Walles, who said he was sexually molested as a child, has admitted to a 1975 Iron County conviction for sexual misconduct involving juvenile boys. He has also admitted to using his position as a Boy Scout leader to take sexual advantage of two boys during a 1982 camping trip with a Kearns Boy Scout troop. Parole board chairman Pete Haun asked Walles what assurance he could give against future affairs with boys. "Now that I've accepted my bisexuality, I feel freer to look for an opportunity with consenting-age adults," Walles said.   Walles, 42, is serving 0 to 5 years for third-degree felony attempted forcible sexual abuse for forcing an inmate to perform oral sex on him over several months at the prison. Initially charged with two counts of first-degree felony forcible sodomy, Walles pleaded guilty to the lesser crime. The board granted him a parole date of April 27, 1993. That is twice the time recommended by parole guidelines. Walles, the father of five children, is now divorced. Upon release from prison, he plans on moving to Tacoma, Wash., where his brother is pastor of a church.- Another brother is a pastor in Nebraska.   Walles holds a bachelor's and a master's degree and was a Corrections employee for 12 years between 1977 and1989.

 

2 July 1991 Tuesday

I slept on Bobbie Smith’s couch until nine this morning then decided to go out and transfer some money into my account at Professional Bank until I can get a statement from Guardian. I also went to the main library downtown for a couple of hours. There I was fucked by this cute long haired granola boy. I had to be at the Stonewall Center at four to open it up as I am the key holder and on the way over, I came across Billy Bikowski, out riding his mountain-bike. Like an idiot, I turned my van around and he stops and rides over to see me. Nothing was said of importance, but I looked into his soulful blue eyes and again I was swept away by a wave of melancholy. My soul misses him and I wanted to weep, but I didn’t, as he rode away. Quoth the Raven, “Never More.”  As I staffed the Library, while working on flyers for the community campout that replaces Beyond Stonewall, Jimmy Hamamoto came up and we visited with Bobbie Smith regaling him with all our San Francisco adventures. Queer Nation was meeting tonight in the Center and I attended to listen to Deb Youngman from Club Karraras give them hell. She was ready to kill after learning of the trouble that Queer Nation had planned for the bar. However when she heard that it was Melanie Bailey, who is no longer associated with Queer Nation, causing Deb so much grief, she backed off. Brenda Voisard asked Queer Nation to be a little bit more understanding and less confrontational with other community organizations. Sure when I had said the same thing I was an asshole.

 

3 July 1991 Wednesday

I spent most of the day relaxing at Bare Ass Beach, reading and resting. It’s been so hot lately but it is cooler out at the beach. The deer flies are awful and I was bitten quite a bit. However, it was still a good way to get out of Bobbie Smith’s place and be by myself. I am still melancholy from my encounter with Billy Bikowski yesterday and a little blue, but life goes on “with you or without you” as the Beatles said. I heard that Steve Barrow also known as Courtney died this week from AIDS. He’s the one who challenged the mandatory AIDS testing for people arrested in parks. He had a lot of spunk to take on Utah judges. I didn’t come back into the city until eight when the sun was low in the sky. I was with a couple of guys at the beach but nothing spectacular. At Bobbie’s place, his roommate David Thometz was getting ready for a camping trip with some Gay pals, and I just sat on the couch and watch TV. I am in limbo. I feel kind of like a wayfarer without a home. I will have to live with this feeling until the 17^th so make the best of it. Where’s my head? I’m not even sure. I am stuffing down my feelings, I think. Fran, Brent Pace and Marie came up to Salt Lake, and at one in the morning, they called saying they were searching for me.  I told them where I was staying and met them out on the street where we visited a little. Fran said she broke up with her retired cop boyfriend Vince. I hope it is for the best. 

 

4 July 1991 Thursday

It was a very hot holiday. I spent much of the day down at the Community Center stamping books for the library saying “Property of the Utah Stonewall Library”. I helped move furniture around to make the place more cozy and accessible. Bobbie Smith and I were there until seven when Unconditional Support met. As it was a holiday there were few of us, just Bobbie, Todd Bennett, and Jimmy Hamamoto so we went up to the University to watch the Fireworks being set off in Rice Stadium. We brought a vegetarian picnic with us and our Gay Rainbow Flag. After staking out a place we had a nice time visiting and watched the fireworks. Afterwards we went back down to the Center to see if everything was secured and found that the Stonewall Center’s security guys were drunk.

·         Deseret News Archives, S.L. VICE OFFICER IS BITTEN WHILE MAKING ARREST A Salt Lake police officer was bitten Tuesday by a man who was being arrested for lewdness. Vice officer Bryan Jewkes was working undercover on the east side of Memory Grove, an area where homosexuals often congregate, when the incident occurred. About 12:45 p.m. Tuesday the officer said he caught a 24-year-old man committing a lewd act, showed him his badge and explained that he was under arrest. Jewkes said he asked the man for identification, but the man said he had none and refused to tell the officer his name. The man stood up to leave, but the officer grabbed him and again advised him that he was under arrest. He said the man tried to break free again, so he wrestled him to the ground and sat on top of him. The man continued to resist and at one point bit the officer's left wrist, breaking the skin and drawing blood, Jewkes' police report states. The officer eventually restrained him and took him to jail. The man told the officer he had been tested for AIDS about five months ago and was "clean" at the time. Jewkes was taken to a clinic and received medical treatment and preventative shots. The Salt Lake man was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of assault on a police officer, resisting arrest and lewdness.

 

5 July 1991 Friday

It is just miserably hot and Bobbie Smith’s place has no air circulating at all and it’s like an oven. Tonight was community council and since Brenda Voisard and Robert Austin were both out of town on vacation, Bobbie had to chair the meeting again and I agreed to take minutes. No major crisis or issues at the council tonight. The AIDS Foundation people were upset that AIDS was not mentioned at all during the Pride March. Rocky O’Donovan had to sit through all the criticism and not say a word. He was responsible for the March and therefore he has to take criticism as well as the acclaim. I went to Village Inn with Bobbie for coffee afterward, and then took Chuck Whyte over to the Deerhunter. I was surprised by all the changes the owner did to the bar. He completely gutted the old long bar, put in a dance floor, and literally changed the whole interior.  I am not sure if I like the changes as the old meat rack gallery is gone. I visited with a few people I knew and did run into Renn again. We visited some but not about Billy Bikowski at all. That subject is taboo. How can I talk about Billy with his ex-lover? I can’t. I didn’t get back to Bobbie’s place until after three in the morning because after leaving the Deerhunter, I picked up this guy at the In-Between and I fucked him in my van. I usually don’t top, but this guy really wanted it and it slipped in so easily.

 

6 July 1991 Saturday

I went over to the Stonewall Center with Bobbie Smith and finally made copies of the map to the campout in Price Canyon. I only made 75 copies as people can share. It was a scorcher of a day again. I went out to the Crossroads and ZCMI Malls to use their air conditioning to cool down. I stayed home in the evening and watched movie videos with Bobbie until about eleven at night, when I left to go down to the Deerhunter; just because it was too hot inside Bobbie’s place to stay home. There I visited with Robert "Popcorn" Olson who I hadn’t seen since spring and with John Bennett who was depressed as he had broken up with his boyfriend while they had been in San Francisco for Pride too. But mostly I spent time conversing with Val Mansfield. He truly is a sturdy oak among the weeds. If you don’t like Val, then something is wrong with you.

 

7 July 1991 Sunday

I slept in until ten this morning since I didn’t get to bed until three because of the heat. I was supposed to go into the Stonewall Center at one but Bobbie Smith gave me a break and said he would take over my shift for me. I drove him down and Janis, chair of the Center of Operations committee,  was at the Center already. We talked briefly about whether the Stonewall Center should move to another location as the security at the building is ridiculous. Anyway, Fuku and I went to Grunts and Postures and found some Faerie Skirts which he bought. We need to buy a bunch more for the Sacred Faeries. We then went to Memory Grove and watched the Gays playing volleyball for a while. They were only wearing shorts because it was too hot and they were glistening in the heat. As I was watching these guys, I began to have a very insulated feeling, like being out of touch, like “Why don’t I know these people?” I used to know almost everyone who was out either by name or by sight. Anyway Jimmy let me borrow one of his box fans for Bobbie’s oven of a place, since he wasn’t using it.  Actually I am alone on Del Mar right now as that David Thomez is camping and Bobbie is house sitting for Craig Miller while he and Joseph are on vacation. At seven I went to the  KRCL station and taped three programs for Concerning Gays and Lesbians with Becky Moss. Don Glenn Jenney was in to promote his “Cut-A-Thon benefit as a fundraiser for the AIDS Ward at Holy Cross Hospital. He had all these stylists agreeing to donate their tips.  I did a program on news from Community Council and Becky Moss and I did a third one on Gay and Lesbian Music, since I never heard back from management about doing a regular program on just Gay music. They probably nixed it without informing me. When I was back at Bobbie’s I had a call from my construction worker fuck buddy named Bill. He wants to get it on with me at the beach tomorrow.

·        Salt Lake Tribune  Page: B1 `Deadly' Sex in S.L. Keeps  AIDS Patrol, Police Busy  Byline: Carol Sisco    A handful of men saunter up and down the street, scrutinized by others sitting in parked cars as dusk settles in. More men appear as the growing darkness disguises features. They gather on 300 South, between Main and State streets. Others lay on the grass in Memory Grove, shifting gradually to see and be seen.   A few blocks away on State Street, young women come out, often dressed in black lace body stockings and little else. They wave drivers over, shouting encouragement.  And the teen-agers joyriding up and down State Street on Friday night aren't always just driving.   "What a lot of people don't realize is these kids do have sex with each other," said Robert Austin of the Utah AIDS Foundation.   "We have a real knack in this state to pretend that {teens} are not being sexually active," he said. "And girls don't carry condoms because they think if they plan ahead they'll be called a slut."  Even with all the publicity about AIDS, many sexually active people still fail to think about protecting themselves.   Despite 1,000 free condoms distributed monthly for the past two years, Salt Lake City residents are still engaging in risky sex and dying from it.   The "AIDS Patrol" from the Utah Aids Foundation hits the streets every weekend, passing out condoms and information about safe sex, but they can't always convince fun-seekers their habits can be deadly.   "Some people say, `Go away, I'm here to have fun,' " said AIDS Foundation Director Ben Barr, "but for the most part they are very receptive."   So far, 239 Utahns have died from AIDS, and 402 have been diagnosed with it. Another 4,000 probably have the HIV virus which leads to AIDS, according to the Utah HIV/AIDS Prevention and Control Bureau.   Meanwhile the volunteer "AIDS Patrol" goes out weekends, prowling gay bars, hitting Memory Grove and walking along 300 South Street between Main and State streets, passing out condoms from fluorescent yellow and pink fanny packs.   "The popular gay hangouts are identified as high hazard because  of the lifestyle," said Sgt. Scott Atkinson, Salt Lake City Police spokesman. "But the same is true about shooting galleries where {users} share needles. We don't know much about the heterosexual community other than prostitutes."   Salt Lake City police arrested 284 people for disorderly conduct last year, according to Sgt. Harv Jackson. All such arrests are sexually oriented, usually people masturbating in bathrooms or engaging in sexual acts in Memory Grove and other parks. The police also dealt with 180 prostitutes, including about 35 to 40 hard-core regulars, he said.   "In talking to the girls on the streets, I'd say close to half of our regulars are HIV positive," Sgt. Jackson said. Volunteers from the Stop AIDS Project have targeted gay and bisexual men, having neither time nor resources to reach prostitutes, IV drug users or teen-agers who feel invincible.   "But I think a lot of low-income women who are just barely making it are going to be our next wave of people with AIDS," Mr. Barr said. "Their sexual partners many times are IV drug users.   "We know that it is going to happen because it is what is happening in New York and in San Francisco, and everything here happens about four to five years after it happens there." The numbers still indicate AIDS is primarily gay men's disease in Utah, said Jerry Clark, Utah HIV/AIDS Prevention and Control Bureau. Gay or bisexual men account for 66 percent of the infections, or 261 people. IV drug abuse makes up 17 percent, or 68 cases, he said.   Women account for 9 percent of AIDS cases. More telling statistics are the HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) numbers because the virus is the precursor to AIDS and it is where new infections are found. But Utah has only been collecting HIV data since April 1989. Cases reported total 451, Mr. Clark said, but from those statistics his office estimates 2,500 to 4,000 Utahns are HIV infected.   "We need Stop AIDS programs that are going to be reaching prostitutes and IV drug users," Mr. Barr said. "And we need programs that are going to reach street kids, and we need them now."   But the money isn't forthcoming, not even from the state, which keeps track of the numbers.   "It is politically unpopular," Mr. Barr said. "You have a legislature and a large part of the population that believes if people use drugs, if they are gay, or if they have sex outside of marriage, that they deserve what they get."   

 

8 July 1991 Monday

I got up at seven this morning to take a shower and head out to Bare Ass Beach to be there by 7:30 to meet Bill. He was really horny and got off pretty fast but that was okay. He is really neat anyway. After he left, I stayed out at the beach for the rest of the day and met a few people but nothing momentous to light my fire. The deerflies out there are vicious and really go for blood. In the evening I went to LGSU with Dave Thometz but so few were there that we really didn’t have a meeting. Instead we just went to the Union Building which was also dead. We ended up going to Village Inn. I got to know this student named William a little better. He’s really cute and funny. I walked home from coffee and it felt good to be out walking. It wasn’t so ungodly hot either. I had talked to Erick Meyers earlier tonight about his being out at work right now and his world is so unsettled.

·         AIDS DEATHS Wayne Morris Elliott, Jr. age 26 passed  in Layton of AIDS Born 6 April 1965 in Syracuse, NY. He was a native of Syracuse and had lived in Utah for the last 15 years. Wayne learned to do floral arrangements in his last few years. He worked for Flower Patch in SLC for a short time where he created beauty from God’s heavenly flowers. He showed the love of God to us. He worked at National Filter Media

 

9 July 1991 Tuesday

I finally was able to go see the inside of my apartment today. Kae Lynn Rogers, who is moving out, let me come up and look around. The place has old hardwood floors throughout the place, two bedrooms, a balcony overlooking Broadway, and a bathroom that also has a front room entrance so people won’t have to go through the bedroom. There is a backstairs leading from the kitchen. I think it’s going to be a really nice home even though the stairwell leading up to it has this funky smell. I’m glad that the apartment has a good Lesbian energy too. Also the apartment across from Bobbie Smith’s in Del Mar Court is available, so I called Jimmy Hamamoto who wanted it. I put a $100 deposit down on it to hold it for him. I am so happy that Bobbie, Jimmy and I will be living here together. Later, Bobbie and I went over to the Stonewall Center to work on a banner for the campout this weekend. While there, a man called the Center needing to talk to someone and as only Bobbie and I were there, I talked to him for one and a half hours. He first said his name was Rich but later when he felt more comfortable with me said his name was Steve. He’s forty years old, married with six kids and was having a hard time over a decision to come out or not. He was really desperate to talk some more to a real person so I said I would come over to the Condo on North Temple and 2^nd West where he was staying as he sounded suicidal. Steve, which was the man’s real name, said he was a former LDS Mission President, who is on probation with the church for having sex with one of his elders. He said probation not disfellowshiped like I was back in 1976. He had been the president of some Spanish speaking mission where two missionaries were assassinated and one killed in an accident. He was having tremendous guilt as that he thought that his having homosexual desires and actions were responsible for the tragedies in his mission. I said that’s now how it works because if it did I said what a hateful bastard Mormon god is, if that was true. I said that Providence does not knock off young missionaries to punish errant Mormon leaders but that is the type of crazy stuff that is indoctrinated into people. I was also surprised that he said he was the bishop of Tony Feliz’s wife. What a small world the Mormon Gay world is. Anyway we talked for a long time as he was in a lot of anguish and pain. He said he had suppressed these feelings for twenty years and now they are surfacing out of control. No doubt. I tried to console and comfort him that he was not alone, but ultimately it’s his decision and his alone, what to do for the rest of his life. I told him that I had been married in the temple but felt I needed to be true to myself but I gave him Dave Reed’s phone number since Dave has chosen to remain married so he can raise his children. I also gave him Beauchaine’s number for the Married Men’s Group that he runs. However since he’s on probation and works at the Provo MTC as a Language Instructor for the church, if he is excommunicated he’d lose his financial security also. What a tangled web to be trapped in. To be a Gay Mormon is an oxymoron. I really felt sorry for Steve and I tried to be as sweet and sympathetic as possible. He was also horny and kept wanting me to discuss sexual matters with him which I wouldn’t. I don’t fuck the flock or vulnerable. I knew how lonely, frustrated, and confused he was; and I was not going to complicate matters for him. I knew what he really needed was just to be held so we laid down together and I let him rest in my arms. What a tragedy. May the Goddess bless him and save him from patriarchy.

 

10 July 1991 Wednesday

Today was an uneventful summer day for a change. I stayed at Bobbie Smith’s most of the day and finished the cloth Delta Institute Camp-out banner. I cut my leg somehow a couple of days ago and now its infected, I’ve been putting ice and hydrogen peroxide on it. Bobbie is still house sitting for Craig Miller and I don’t see David Thometz much because he’s usually at work, So I am here by myself most of the day, I am in the summer doldrums. Dan Humphries called and wants to use my van for a scene in his movie. He’s coming over tomorrow to check it out. I’ve been kind of listless lately. I wonder if it has anything to do with my infected leg. I’m also wondering how Mom and Dad are doing and whether they are in Arizona now or not. I can’t get a hold of them. 

 

11 July 1991 Thursday

While doing my laundry over at Craig Miller’s house today, I read that Wayne Elliott passed away on the 8^th from AIDS. It was in yesterday’s paper but I only saw it today. I burst into tears after reading it. I just saw him two weeks ago at the Utah AIDS Foundation. Well another fine young man, a kind young man, has slipped away from us. I am reading obituaries everyday like it’s a war casualty list. At Unconditional Support tonight, Robert Rosvall give a lesson on AIDS prevention and it sure hit home tonight. I hate AIDS. I hate living through this war time. What meaning is there to all this dying? What value is there to our lives if we all end up in the grave? Is this the price for passion? Questions with no answers. I’m scared but yet alive. These seem to be meaningless words, scribbled on a hot summer night. I’ve made love to so many men. What am I searching for in their sweet essences and virility? I could not have lived my life any differently than I have. Anyone who understands my heart knows that. Do I want death because I can’t have Billy Bikowski? Oh it’s all so confusing. A new guy came to Unconditional Support tonight. His name is George. I hope he was able to get something out of the lesson tonight. Rocky O’Donovan’s Gay History Symposium met for the first time tonight at the Center. It looks like he had a good turnout. I went across the way to the Utah AIDS Foundation to visit a little with Ben Barr tonight about Wayne’s death. He said that one of the reasons Wayne went so fast is that he refused to take AZT as he was tired of living. Would I refuse? What is there in my life that would make me want to go on living? I am feeling survivor guilt.

 

12 July 1991 Friday

It was a hot, hot, hot day in the city. I spent much of this morning packing and preparing for this weekend’s Delta Institute Campout. Jimmy Hamamoto and Bobbie decided to ride up with me tonight after all rather than come up tomorrow with Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdain. We picked up another faerie, Larry, who is Frank Lohmeyer’s roommate. He goes by the name Gypsy. We brought plenty of camping food and extra water because Luci Malin and Brenda Voisard said we ought to do so. We left Salt Lake at four but got tangled up with some Friday afternoon traffic which made it slow going until we got through Provo. We then turned onto Route Six and went up Spanish Fork Canyon then over to Price Canyon where it was slow going because we haven’t ever been to the campground before and we didn’t want to miss the turn off. However the sign to the campground was easy recognizable and the van didn’t over heat or give me any real trouble as we climbed up the side of the canyon to the campground which was situate overlooking Price Canyon.  The campground was beautiful, full of large pine trees and not at all what I had expected so I was pleasantly pleased for the great location Luci Malin found for us. Gypsy brought his own tent but the rest of us planned on sleeping in the van. I fixed a Mexican Salad for everyone and we put up the Delta Institute Banner up along with a rainbow flag to mark our spot. An old butch dyke Jeannette Shaw and we were the first to arrive. The Queer Nation group was up by 9:30 and other stragglers came in after them. It was nice to be away from the city but this is not Beyond Stonewall by any stretch.

 

13 July 1991 Saturday

I slept in the van last night fairly comfortable but cold. I didn’t bring enough blankets. We are up nearly 9000 feet. I lit a fire since I was about the first one up and tried to start stirring. Fuku, Gillian, Gypsy, and I are in Faerie Drag with long skirts, scarves, and our bells. Queer Nation set up camp away from us and above us. The Provo Men’s Society was next to them. I thought there would be a lot more women here than men but it was just the opposite. In the Queer Nation cluster there’s Rocky O’Donovan, Curtis Jensen, Devin Hanson, Renee Rinaldi, Nancy Perez, Garth Chamberlain, Dan Lowry, Jared Brown and another kid I didn’t know. Michael Aaron came up with his lover Larry. The Provo Men’s Society  had about fifteen guys but I didn’t know any of them but Jeff McGrath. Robert Bennion from LGSU came up as did Harold Jones. They were probably the oldest ones there, as they are in their fifties. A guy named Larry from Affirmation also arrived by himself. Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdin came up late in the day as did Becky Moss, Kathy Worthington, Jeff Dykes and a kid named David Robinson. All in all I’d say we had about thirty-five people up at the campsite. Later Queer Nation kids drove into Price to a K-Mart there and returned with pink streamers, plastic flamingoes, a wading pool and very festively decorated their campsite, also with pink balloons. We were more Feyish. In the afternoon, we went on a hike up the Overlook Trail. We also painted an Unconditional Support Banner, tied some sage for smudge sticks and hung out around our campfire.  Nothing had been really planned for all the different groups to participate in a single activity, until nine when we went to a group site that had a large fit pit surrounded by logs to sit on. A bonfire was started by Becky Moss. While  everyone came to the campfire, not everyone stayed. Devin Hanson was high, from either beer or drugs. I am not sure which, but Queer Nation did not stay for the Sing Along which I thought was a blast. I guess they were far too cool for that.  Their loss. Becky Moss led us in Camp songs and we sang everything we knew like all the Peter Paul and Mary songs, some show tunes and some other folk songs. However most of the songs were started and then we couldn’t remember all the lyrics so we would laugh and sing another song. Robert Bennion is right. He said modern man does not have to memorize anymore, and the fact that we don’t know these songs is a testimony that our collective memory is diminished.

 

14 July 1991 Sunday

I had a better sleep because Bobbie Smith gave me another light blanket to use. It was fun having the Lesbians up with their camping gear. So butch. Queer Nation sold pancakes they made to raise money to pay their debt to the Stonewall Center for using their space for meetings and having never paid. I tried some and they weren’t very good but I wanted to support their efforts. Although, I thought if they could spend $20 on campy décor for their camp, you’d think perhaps they could come up with the money to pay their bill to the Center. Carla Gourdin and Debbie Rosenberg made vegetable burritos for lunch which were so much better and yummier. Last night at the camp fire, Kathy Worthington and others were upset with Queer Nation’s plans to disrupt the July 24^th  pioneer parade. Queer Nation said they had plans to hand out pink balloons with the slogan “This is the Place-for Queers!” I came up with that slogan but I am not crazy about their idea of handing out balloons to children. However Queer Nation’s rational was that its important to make a statement and no one will take a balloon away from a child. Kathy and others are concerned about involving children in this action. I told those who are upset to come to Queer Nation’s meetings rather than having me be the only one vetoing some of their more immature actions. However, I think it’s a tempest in a teapot. Queer Nation people won’t find that many children away from an adult to hand them a subversive balloon. and will probably end up asking adults to give the balloons away to children who would then refuse. Anyway, at noon we packed up and headed down the canyon back to Salt Lake City. It was fun to get away from the heat but I am an Urban Faerie through and through. When back in Salt Lake  City, I dropped in at the Utah Stonewall Center to relieve James Connally, and there I had to commiserate with a boy who was obsessively in love with someone who doesn’t love him back. Boy that is my specialty. 

.

15 July 1991 Monday

It was so very hot today. I needed to get out and decided to go to the genealogy library to use their air condition and find a family group sheet of Maury and Matthew Modine out of curiosity. I am walking a fine line between curiosity and stalking. I only found one on the grandfather. It looks like the family was originally from Oklahoma Territory  same as my McLeods and Fenters. I wish we were related somehow.  Anyway after that I stayed home this evening instead of going up to Lesbian and Gay Student Union. That was a big mistake, as I found out later from Dave Thometz that they all went skinny dipping in somebody’s pool. That’s one way to beat the heat I suppose, frolicking with naked college boys .

 

16 July 1991 Tuesday

Hopefully Kae Lynn Rogers has moved out of apartment number 3,  today so I can move in tomorrow. I want my life back. Bobbie Smith and I went to the Stonewall Center today. We met with the Fire Marshall, Gary Anderson, and Police Officer Dave Ward about a safety inspection for the Center. Craig Miller is still on vacation and Charline Orchard is rarely down here except for committee meetings. We stayed at the Center all day with Jimmy Hamamoto who came down to keep us company. Bobbie showed us the library procedures for clients to check out books and other material. Janis had an operation committee meeting at six. We think we’ve got most of the days covered by volunteers to come in and keep the Center opened.

 

17 July 1991 Wednesday

I was up early to find Sharon Philpot, the manager, to see if I could move in today and she said that Kae Lynn Rogers was totally moved out. So I went over to the Greek Orthodox Church’s business office and paid $135 for the rest of the month. I also had to pay $279 for the last month rent, so a total of $405 to move in. I had already paid a $100 deposit. Well I moved most of my furniture in with the help of Dave Thometz and Bobbie Smith. I also moved in a lot of boxes out of Bobbie’s basement. What a chore. I am hot. I am tired. I am exhausted but the prospect of sleeping in my own bed once again keeps me going. I am too tired to write more.

 

18 July 1991 Thursday

I am working so hard unpacking and putting things away. There’s so much to do but I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t have to be all done in a single day. I took Jimmy Hamamoto out to lunch at this place called New Frontiers in the Avenues. We had their vegetarian Lasagna special. It was so good. In the evening I bought Bobbie Smith a pizza as pay back for being there for me when I needed someone. We went to Unconditional Support tonight and we discussed  anger and AIDS. It was a good meeting but I am just plain tired.

 

19 July 1991 Friday

I gave Bobbie Smith a check for $75 for letting me stay at his place. I know he can use it. My apartment is coming together finally although it doesn’t yet feel like home. It’s nice and breezy being on the second floor and not stifling like the ground level cottages in Del Mar Court. It’s not hot at all like I imagined it would be. I’ll get my phone hooked back up tomorrow. That will really make it seem like home to me. I’ve been staying up until almost three in the morning all this week. Last night I visited with Bobbie’s friend and neighbor Troy Lunt about abusive old boyfriends we had. I’ve been emotionally abused but never physically abused and raped like Troy has. My cat Billy is having a very difficult time adjusting to his new digs

 

20 July 1991 Saturday

My phone was turned on this morning so I can finally call Mom. I thought they would be in Arizona by now but there was a snag and they won’t be out there now until August 1^st.  Charline is going to help them move to Prescott. I also called John Reeves and we talked about the film “Tongues Untied”, the PBS documentary that half the PBS stations wouldn’t carry; however KUED’s channel 7 had the guts to do so.  In the evening, Bobbie Smith and I rented four videos to watch although we managed to only watch two of them, “Dick Tracey” and “Birds on a Wire.” Both were entertaining I suppose. I’m not sure what I feel about my move. I love my quaint apartment although it’s probably seventy years old, but the change is making me moody. Perhaps there are residue memories here that still linger. 

 

21 July 1991 Sunday

I spent most of the season of Cancer in limbo between abodes and the suspension has been very weary of me as I’ve been so ungrounded. I wonder what Leo will bring. This morning I had Bobbie Smith over and I fixed a breakfast of pancakes for him. We watched “Daddy Is Dying Where is the Will?” It was excellent and made me long for my Texas roots. I especially liked the fact that the fat woman was the one who finds true love. Anyway at one, I went over to the Stonewall Center to open up the library. However Janis never showed to open the Center but that was okay, I guess, as I had a key. A woman came in to check out some books, a Gay man called about the Men’s Choir, and a Lesbian who was moving to Utah wanted some information about our community. I spent most of my time typing up my journal entries regarding the Community Council from 1987. It helped refresh my memory from that time. Memory Lane can be a dead end street. I don’t want to be entrapped by the past as I need to record events from today. In the evening came home and just watched some TV. Chuck Whyte is home from the Metropolitan Community Church’s conference in Phoenix. He’s a Deacon in the church here and he is floating high on spiritual bliss. I’m happy for him. Well Billy Cat is sitting on a window sill peering out at the world. Is it still my world? I feel change a-coming.

 

 22 July 1991 Monday

Billy Cat howled and cried so much this morning that I threw his butt out at four this morning and I’ve been tired all day because of him wanting to tom-cat around. I wonder who he learned that from? I got up at seven to get ready for Bill, the Construction Worker, I met a while back at Bare Ass Beach. However he called at eight and said he wouldn’t be able to make it because he had to take his son to the doctors. I was surprised when David Sharpton dropped by at eleven because I don’t remember ever telling him where I lived.  He has walking pneumonia he said, but it’s under control. He looked strong and healthy. We visited catching up with what’s going with our lives until two. He said he and Michael Angotti are moving into the Riviera Apartments over on 9^th East  up from Murray. I’m glad he’s back downtown as it will be easier to see him. I called Guardian Bank as to why I have a debit of $7. Evidently a check came in on the 15^th for $25. I can’t imagine what it’s for as I haven’t written any checks off of the Guardian account this month except to Smith’s. They charge me a $12 service charge so I had to put enough money in to cover not only the $25 check but the other charges. Ouch! It’s always something isn’t it? I went up to LGSU tonight and we hiked up to Red Butte Gardens. I stayed close to William but he’s not interested in me. I think I am only attracted to him as that he reminds me in his gestures of sweet Billy Bikowski from years ago. I came home from the hike pretty melancholy, missing Billy, but I tried to get him off my mind by working in the bedroom putting clothes and things away. Then at eleven at night, out of the blue I got a phone call from John Cunningham! I was so surprised and pleased at the same time. We talked for well over an hour. He was drunk of course, he only does when he is,  but he was upset that his “civil rights” were being violated due to a mandatory drug testing at his job. He said he was mostly upset that it was unfair that the Fire Chiefs and Captains are not required to be tested just lower level firemen like him. I really don’t know how he expected me to help but I gave him a listening ear and a concerned heart. Does he love me at all? It’s been nearly twenty years since I last saw his face. What is the tie that binds our souls together through all these years? It cannot be close proximity as I’ve lived nearly twenty years in Utah and he’s remained in California. It can’t be any economic interest. I suppose my love for him is the tie that binds him to me. He knows that there is someone in the world who will always, always love him no matter what. In the middle of the phone call, Jeff Wood shows up on my doorstep, needing tea and sympathy over his broken heart from another disastrous love affair. I asked John to call me right back and he did after I settled Jeff down, gave him hugs and kisses and said it would be alright. He would not tell me what had happened, he just needed someone to hold him for a while. When John called back we talked a little longer. John, John, John, my first love and first heartbreak. Why did you call this old fat queer after all these years? We aren’t the 18 year old boys out to see the world anymore. You said you didn’t love me after I told you that I loved you. The first boy I ever said I love you to. What is there still in my heart that your heart wants? What is it you need? Why do Billy and John only need me and not love me?

·       Food, games, live entertainment and fireworks choreographed to music are expected to draw as many as 300,000 to Liberty Park Wednesday for the 7th annual Neighbor Fair. With Pioneer Day on Wednesday this year, people will be staying in town," said event organizer Therese Petersen. "We're looking for a real large crowd.  Since the Neighbor Fair is held near the finishing point for the Days of '47 Parade, many families are expected to attend both events. "A crowd of 200,000 to 300,000 would make it one of the largest single-day events in  Utah," she said. Festivities open at 11 a.m. when skydivers jump into the fair and Mayor Palmer DePaulis cuts a ceremonial ribbon. Fireworks begin at 9:40 p.m. The fair closes at 11 p.m. About 70 non-profit groups from the Utah Aids Foundation and American Civil Liberties Union to the Community Services Council, Network Against Child Abuse and Hogle Zoo will have booths, she said. University of Utah demonstrations will cover super conductivity with bar magnets, dancing, blood pressure screenings, the advantages of wearing seat belts, and football and basketball instructions for children. (07/22/91  Page: D1)

 

23 July 1991 Tuesday

 I am so melancholy today over my lost loves, John Cunningham and Billy Bikowski. However the magical enchantment and allure of those precious names are fading and that frightens me. However I know I will love them both until the day I die no matter who comes into my heart in the future. Jeff Wood called me this morning to explain why he had come over last night. He was breaking up with James, his boyfriend and after he left me he was beaten by James and had to have forty stitches in his head. He’ll probably have a scar from it. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. If you would have only loved me when I needed you, this would never have happened. And the same with John, beautiful god like John. How different you’re life would have been if you’d had loved me. Billy also. I went down to the Stonewall Center at two to open up the place to let in a volunteer. I typed up more of my recollections of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council. I had to staff the place from four to seven with Bobbie Smith working in the library. Queer Nation did not meet at the Center again, mad I think because they have to pay for the space. I also heard they were doing an action downtown. In the evening after closing the Center, I walked downtown to see what Queer Nation was up to on Broadway and Main. It’s the night before the Pioneer Parade and thousands are camping out on both sides of the street to have a good spot to see the parade tomorrow. So Queer Nation wanted to be a presence there. Devin Hanson was handing out rolls of yellow plastic crime scene tape that read instead “Queer Safe Space” to block off a section of Broadway and Main that was just as quickly torn down. Rocky O’Donovan was in a skirt and Doc Martin-Boots. I’m starting to think Rocky is a mental case. I am really sick of his anti-heterosexual hate attitude; actually all of Queer Nation’s attitude, really. How is this healing? Their street theater antics among the Mormon campers was broken up by the police saying their action was causing a disturbance. Personally I was embarrassed by the whole scene and I have never been embarrassed by Gays in a long time. I do believe in “In your face politics” but only when they are in our face first but just to be outrageous is too juvenile for me to handle at all. I admit I am old, but I am ready to sever all my ties with Queer Nation Utah. Its not my way of doing things and building community. It’s an ego trip on the part of very silly and immature people.

·         The Royal Court of The Golden Spike Empire donated $500 to the Anti-Violence Project.

 

24 July 1991 Wednesday

I slept in late from being out last night monitoring the antics of Queer Nation and from walking up and down both sides of Main Street looking at all the cute Mormon Boys camping out on the sidewalk with their families. I listened to our music program that Becky Moss and I taped for Concerning Gays and Lesbians at noon before heading out to Liberty Park for the Neighborhood Fair. Bobbie Smith said he wasn’t feeling well at all with his bad toothache again so he stayed home. A toothache is misery for sure. I parked behind the Metropolitan Community Church on 6^th East, just up from the park ,where I met Chuck Whyte. We walked down into the park together. There I saw Maury Modine’s “Mood for a Day” Hemp Booth which was right next to the Horizon House Booth where they were selling ice tea. I saw Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon helping at the Horizon House booth. I wonder if they are on the outs with the Utah AIDS Foundation. I congratulated Bruce Barton over his official ordination as a minister in the MCC church. I thought he had been all this time. Later I wished I’d hadn’t. He can be such a patronizing, condescending asshole at times. Maury Modine cut off his beautiful mane and is really short and butch but he’s still really handsome. He had a lot of people helping him out so I only stayed a little while, getting people to sign the petition to legalize marijuana for pharmaceutical purposes. That is the reason that Bruce Barton came over, and using his oh so very concerned voice, admonished me to be “careful” about what I am telling people to get them to sign the petition. I wish I would have said “Fuck off Bruce”. Bruce Harmon over heard our conversation and said sarcastically, “There’s Ben, holding court,” when I was greeting people. I know, enthusiastically. That’s real funny coming from someone who thinks of himself as an “Emperor”. Anyway I helped put a “Mood for a Day” banner up on the hill overlooking the big pond, but it didn’t do a bit of good as that with 200,000 people  filling up the park, we were really packed in and no one paid attention to the banner. Eventually we took it down as the crowd filled in and it was in too many people’s way. I didn’t see Billy Bikowski at all today. It’s been five years now since I first saw him pedaling his bike through the park wearing those cock tease shorts. I did see Mike Anderson and his lover today. He said they were definitely moving to Seattle in September, so that chapter of my life is closed. Goodbye my sister. It was however exciting being around Maury again. He’s a people magnet. His charisma just attracts all sorts of people, straight, gays, guys, girls. The fireworks tonight were beautiful but the martial military music that accompanied them spoiled the whole thing for me. The rockets bursting over Iraq and Kuwait last winter were greeting by terror not “ohhhs and ahhhs”. Queer Nation was in the park handing out their pink balloons with “This is the place for Queers” written on them. Later I talked to Curtis Jensen and he said he was surprised by the response they received. Parents mobbed them for the helium filled balloons for their kids not caring what they said. I should have remembered that from last year when the helium balloon rainbow arch we brought was mobbed by people wanting balloons for their kids. They took almost all our balloons and we should have had it as a fundraiser instead of a political statement. We would have made a mint but we gave them away for free. How can you deny a little kid a balloon? Anyway Shawn and Eric, two former roommates of Bob Waldrop, said they were hungry and had no place to stay. So I took them home with me and fed them bean tostados. I didn’t have much else in the house.  

·         Falcon Flight 7 held at Arches National Park sponsored by Wasatch Leathermen Motorcycle Clunb

 

25 July 1991 Thursday

Shawn and Eric spent the night having fallen asleep here. Eric and I slept in my bed but nothing happened between us. I was horny; but perhaps more for the loves I had lost. Anyway, I took them back to Bob Waldrop's place at noon  after fixing them some breakfast. I then went to the state tax office and gave them what they said they needed to finish processing my 1985 tax forms. I spent the rest of the day putting things away in the apartment. At six I went to another Center’s Operation Committee Meeting. Janis resigned as chair of the committee and Craig Miller said he would try to be the interim chair. Only Bobbie Smith, Lisa Romano, Craig, and myself showed up for the meeting. I said that I would try to schedule volunteers for the Center to keep it open for more hours.  Unconditional Support met at seven and it was a small intimate group with only Frank Lohmeyer, Larry, Dave Thometz, Bobbie Smith, Larry Hillman, Ray Neilson and a new guy named Jeff Workman attending. Jeff is really interesting. He’s an elementary school teacher in Midvale and had just returned from a Peace Corp stint In-Belize. The meeting was on domestic violence within the Gay community. It was a great meeting with a lot of sharing of personal experiences. It was kind of intense. Afterwards we went to Village Inn. A summer electric storm sure put on a light show tonight. Better than fireworks with military music.

 

26 July 1991 Friday

I am not sleeping well at night. I got bit by something probably a spider and I lay awake itching until exhaustion pounded me to sleep. Poor Bobbie Smith is suffering again from a bad toothache and no money to see a dentist. That’s pure misery and being out of work, he has no resources to get it looked at. I went to the Stonewall Center for most of the day to type some more of my memoirs of community council meetings that I have attended over the years. Marcus Gardner and Johnny Anderson are putting together a fundraiser gala for the Stonewall Center for the 17^th of August. Cool. I went grocery shopping this late afternoon. I’m tired of having nothing to eat in the house. I’ll get paid next Wednesday and I think I am going to close my account at Guardian Bank. Somehow I have lost all control of my money there. I’m not a very good financial manager of my money; I guess you have to have money to manage it. In the evening Bobbie, David Thometz and I went to Viewmont High School in Bountiful to see Troy Lunt performing in Stephen Sondheim’s “Into The Woods”. Jon “Dixie” Merrill and his friend was there also to see their friend Chris Strong  who was also in it. I thought it was excellent especially the young woman who played the witch. It was fun to be going to the theater again.

 

27 July 1991 Saturday

I was pretty lazy today and didn’t accomplish much. I spent too much gas driving around looking for cinder blocks to build a book case. However at Ernst Hardware, I did get some cute ideas to fix up this place. I talked to Todd Bennett today for a long time just catching up with things. Earlier today I took my van over to John Bennett’s house on Reed Street where Dan Humphries was filming a movie for his film class and wanted to use my van in a scene. The movie definitely has a Gay theme as that this Gay guy is in love with his straight buddy. It was painful to watch because that scene played out with what John Cunningham and I went through so many years ago. Nothing is new under the sun. Every lover’s quarrel has been played out millions of times over and over as essentially we are all the same with the same passions, needs, and vulnerability. Tonight should have been a Full Moon Gathering but since Bobbie “Gillian” Smith hasn’t been feeling well and my life has been chaotic, I don’t think anything will be happening tonight. So much for celebrating the Full Buck Moon.  Besides, I have been invited to a birthday party for Kayt Whitten, who I met at Maury Modine’s Hemp Booth at the Neighborhood Fair. I wanted to meet more KRCL people and to expand into the hetero granola world so I ventured out of my safe space. At the party, Maury showed up kind of spaced out. He said he had caught a cold. I clung by him as he was the only one at the party I knew. He gives me these great old bear hugs that just melt me. I over heard him say that he had been out to Wendover to see his brother Matthew, who is working on a new movie called “Wind”, I believe. I left after only staying an hour as I began to feel myself starting to fall into the love-pit and its absolutely insane to fall for an unattainable, pot smoking, heterosexual who probably couldn’t get it up if he tried, so stoned out. But I’m insane. Okay?

 

28 July 1991 Sunday

I went to the Stonewall Center at one in the afternoon and Brenda Voisard was already there. She had accidently set of the alarm and the police was sent out. Poor Brenda felt so foolish. It was rather slow at the Center today with no phone calls, that I was aware of. Jim Hunsaker dropped by to see me and return some video tapes he had borrowed from me.  He wants to have a Friday, once a month, speaker from the community come in and talk about community history; people like Patty Reagan, Abby Maestas, Dean “Aunti De” Walton, Michael Aaron, etc. I’d have to bump one of J.R. Gray-Lee’s movie nights but that okay as they aren’t that well attended. He can have a Saturday night if he needs two nights. I stayed for Affirmation because I wasn’t sure if Johnny Anderson knew how to set the alarm system. It would be awful to have the alarm go off twice in one day. I didn’t participate in Affirmation but rather stayed in the library typing until closing at nine. So I was down at the Center almost eight hours today. In the late evening, I was horny and wanted to get laid so I went to the In-Between. There was nothing going on of interest there but I did get Empress Bianca’s new phone number. I left there and went to the Deerhunter. I saw Sweet William from LGSU there but mostly I visited with John Bennett and Renn. One of these days I’m going to ask Renn if he’s still in love with Billy Bikowki. John Bennett and I talked about that mass murderer in Wisconsin who killed all these Gay guys, dismembered them, and then ate them. I saw a picture of this guy on the news and he’s ruggedly handsome, which goes to show that it’s a great error to equate goodness with beauty and evil with ugliness. I don’t understand how you can make love to someone and then kill them.

 

29 July 1991 Monday

Last night I went out prowling Broadway and Main and brought home a nice nineteen old but we just weren’t compatible. He wanted to be fucked and I wanted to get fucked so we compromised by putting a dildo up his ass while he fucked me. I am having such weird sexual energy lately. It’s the dog days of summer or perhaps I am just going mad. I went out looking at cars today. It’s probably a stupid thing to do until I get paid on the first. Bob Waldrop’s old roommate Shawn is spending the night here tonight. I’m not sure how I feel about it. He’s cute and all but he isn’t dependable, probably on drugs, but I’d hate to have him out on the street but I don’t want to be his care taker either. I had sex with him tonight and he wasn’t very good or responsive. He just allowed me to blow him.  I don’t want sex as a payback for his being here. That’s too manipulative. If you don’t want this bod ,because you are horny or you find me attractive, I certainly don’t want mechanical sex as a trade off. Poor Pee Wee Herman was arrested in Florida for indecent exposure; wanking in a porn theater. There goes his kiddie show career. I still think he’s cool. Bush is in Moscow for a Summit now that Communism there is collapsing on Russia. 

 

RED BANDANA

Boy with a red bandana

Turning into a dark alley

Shimmering colors bounce

Off pavement purple

Iridescent blue blackness

The Raven caws forth Magick

Sex in dark places

On warm summer nights

That stirs the blood

Pulsing, throbbing

The magick of the night

Crowned scarlet red

Boy with a red bandana

 

LACKING

Some things are best left unsaid,

Some folks are best left undone,

Once you have spent and spun.

The spell is now broken and dead.

I touch, and me, you touch not back.

I knead warmly your supple body,

As you look far away and not at me.

I wonder what it is, that to you, I lack

 

30 July 1991 Tuesday

I went into the Stonewall Center at one this afternoon to do some typing. Shawn asked me if he could stay here two weeks. I really would not like that as I don’t trust him. I am not even sure that he’s Gay. I attended another Center of Operations Meeting this evening and also a general Center meeting. I told Craig Miller that I was willing to take over scheduling events at the Center and Bobbie Smith said he would act as Office Manager. The meetings lasted until nine o’clock, Charlene Orchard has come out with a Newsletter for the Center which is excellent but doesn’t want to have any hands on in actually running the Center. Only interested in having over sight. I don’t think Craig or Charline has the Community Council’s interest at heart. At home, Shawn had Eric come back over to spend the night. I am not sure what to think of these characters.

 

31 July 1991 Wednesday

I’ve been reading this excellent book called EON by Greg Bear. I can’t put it down. I started reading it last night to isolate from Shawn being here. It’s science fiction that takes place in 2005 when the United States and the USSR fight over an asteroid that is heading to earth. Anyway I got a call from Bobbie Doepfner from San Francisco who said he won’t be into Salt Lake until tomorrow and if I could still accommodate him. He’s one of the faeries Jimmy Hamamoto and I met in San Francisco. His Faerie name is Spirit Wind.  Any way Shawn and Eric, thank goodness, made other arrangements to find somewhere else to hang out. I just didn’t want two party boys doing heavy drugs in my home. They are heavy into cocaine and acid and ever kind of pill I suppose. By coincidence, they spotted Bob Waldrop driving by and they flagged him down. He’s back visiting Utah from Oklahoma for about a week and he had with him some cute thing he picked up hitchhiking. I came down to the street and we visited some and Bob said not to worry about Shawn and Eric as that they will always land on their feet. It was good to see Bob again. He also said that Maury Modine thinks I have a crush on him. Well I suppose I do. So what. I spent much of the evening alone in sweet peace. I really like living alone. Company is fine but in small doses. Fran is coming up tomorrow to go to the doctors to check on having back surgery. Well so closes Julius Caesar’s hot, hot month. The tags on my van’s plates expire today. What to do. What to do. I’m in a new home this July 1991. I was in a new home in July 1986 and in July 1989. I guess I have a pattern of moving in July. 1986 seems so long ago when I fell in love with a blond boy named Billy.

 

SEPTEMBER 1990

1 September 1990 Saturday SLC UT

I was a little groggy this morning from staying out so late last night so I went up to the sauna at the U of U to soak and sweat. I saw Tom Henacy there doing some stretching in the sauna. He's a dancer. At 2:30 I went to Sugarhouse Park for the Joe Hill Memorial Concert and Labor Rally.  I imagine about 1500 people attended. Bob Waldrop was there trying to get people to sign his liquor petition and to legalize “Adulthood in Utah”. John Bennett was helping some friends of his sell labor union cassette tapes. Michael Aaron and David Nelson said that Karen Shepherd back out of her commitment to the Gay and Lesbian Democrats dinner. No surprise there. I also saw Diane Herschi, the Quaker Peace Activist, at the rally and she asked if I had forgiven the Quakers yet? That touched this old hard heart and I said that I would attend Meeting tomorrow. She was having people sign a peace initiative to stop testing nuclear bombs. It was a great rally but it got quite warm at the park. I did get to hear Pete Seeger sing. I guess Joe Hill was executed 75 years ago in Sugarhouse which was once the state prison. I didn’t do much this evening  but watch TV before walking down to the Cinema in Your Face theater to meet Derek Siddoway at 11:15 at night to see The Thief, The Civic, The Wife, and the Lover. Derek brought along his friend Ryan and it was good to see the film again but I think they cut the rotting meat section out. Still the film is really powerful. I think I surprised Derick by wearing my new age hippie attire instead of my school teacher drag.

Addendum-Concert to commemorate death of Joe Hill featuring Pete Seger, Utah Phillips, Earl Robinson, Joe Glazer and Ken Shae, Sugarhouse Park 1500 East 21^st South  2 pm until dark free. Andy Westley, spokesman for the Joe Hill Organizing Committee said the purpose of the festival is to give the community a chance to see the battles fought over the years for organized labor.

·         Greg Tanner opened Cinema In Your Face in 1987. The 200 seat theater was located at 45 West Broadway across from American Towers on Broadway just west of Main street in downtown Salt Lake City.  Tanner had worked for the Blue Mouse before opening Cinema In Your Face which had been The Cinema Theater a defunct X-rated soft core pornography theater. . The interior of the theatre was done in a knotty pine design with green accents. The Cinema Theater opened on February 1, 1969 and was intended to cater to an adult audience. Its opening attraction was “The Magus”  which was rated R from 20th Century Fox. In the summer of 1969, the Cinema featured the Lesbian theme X-rated film “The Killing of Sister George.” Both the Deseret News and Salt Lake Tribune accepted ads for this adult cinema. By the 1970’s The Cinema t eventually reverted to all porn movies. In 1986 Salt Lake City closed the last of its two X-rated theaters, the Capri West located at 368 South State Street and the Cinema Theater. Both theaters had the same owner who surrendered his business license to operate theaters in Salt Lake. In 1987  Cinema In Your Face was one of three art movie houses in Salt Lake. The other two were The Blue Mouse and the Utah Theater on Main Street.  The Blue Mouse located at 264 East 100 South was originally The Cinema Art Theater which opened September 7, 1949 which closed in February 1953 to become a private screening room. It reopened as the Blue Mouse Theater on October 18, 1972 with a small screen and seating for perhaps 120 people. It was the first theater in Salt Lake City to show The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Blue Mouse closed around March 9, 1990. The alternative radio station KRCL was located in the Blue Mouse in 1979. Tanner’s programs of showing art films was rather successful after the closure of the Blue Mouse. The Utah Art Theater opened in 1918 as a Pantages Theater and showcased local performances and top touring acts of the day such as Abbott and Costello, Will Rogers and baseball legend Babe Ruth. The structure at 144-158 South. Main was best known as a popular movie house from the 1930s through the 1990s Tanner along with a business partner acquired the Tower Theatre which was almost slated for demolition. The Tower location in the 9^th and 9^th area became more successful and they eventually closed the Cinema in Your Face which had an unsavory reputation as a former porn theater, by 1996. A music club venue called Spanky’s and a billiard pool hall opened for a time in the late 1990s. The former location of 45 West 300 South  is now a vacant parking lot when the night club was demolished in 2002. For a time, only Art House Movie theaters would show Gay and Lesbian independent feature films in Utah.

2 Sept 1990 Sunday SLC UT

I went to the Quaker Meeting this morning. It being Labor Day Weekend there was but a small turn out.  It was good however to be back at a meeting to sit and contemplate. Diane Hirschi said there‘s a candlelight vigil for the conflict in the Middle East at the Federal Building tomorrow at 8:30. I need to make some phone calls to get people to attend. Chuck Whyte called me from his work and asked if I would come get him from the U of U Medical center  because buses don’t run on Sunday and he didn’t have the money to call for a taxi. I said sure as I know what it feels to be broke. I spent much of my day after that visiting with Roman Graymare. He's this 21 year old boy, born December 26, 1968 so he's even younger than my nephew James! I read to him out of the book, The Color of Love, and gave him the test from it. He's an “Eros Ludus” with strong eros tendencies but plays at love rather than being serious. In the evening, I went up to Affirmation. I was early and encountered Diane again with Russ Fish who were doing a non-violence training at the Unitarian Church for some folks. It was fun to sit in on it with them. When Affirmation started, it was a small  group with only 7 people.  But we had a nice time visiting and getting to know one another better. Walt Larabee lead the meeting since Willie Marshall  was in California. It was kind of a strange night after that. Horniness was rife. I could tell that Larry from Morgan was wanting to get it on with Walt after the meeting. When it was over I gave this cute hitchhiker a ride downtown before going to the In Between Tavern where I saw Floyd Gamble and Brandon Burt who is now bar tending there regularly, I guess. There's no more Backstreet as it closed its doors in August to reorganize as Club 108. At the bar I read the Royal Court's Newsletter and it was so full of bitchiness and birthdays for Court Royalty that it said nothing. I stayed at the In Between until about midnight when then I drove down to Broadway and Main to cruise and to see what was happening there. I pulled over when I saw John Crapo, Mike Pipkin, and Mike’s  old roommate Ken Evans on the street in front of the Broadway Shoe Repair store at 69 East Broadway.. I was surprised to find out that Ken was working the street as a male hustler. I parked my van and they asked if I'd blast my stereo so they could dance, so I did. I could tell it was going to be a very strange night and full of magick. Other male prostitutes soon came over to where the action was and was pulling down their pants and mooning cars that were cruising by. I guess a way of showing off their wares. I interviewed this one other hustler also said his name was John because I was curious about this aspect of Gay sexuality, not really having known any hustlers in Salt Lake before. I asked how much was the going rate and he said $40.00. I asked what does that buy and he said, “anything a guy wanted to do”. He was really pretty friendly and up front so I gave him some non-oxynol nine lube and a few condoms that I kept in the van  and told him to be careful. Then he asked me if I'd rub my Faerie wand, one that I had bought back in Boston, on his crotch for sexual energy. He could tell that I had a form of magick from my aura so I invoked Pan to give him sexual potency and asked for protection for him from harm as he plied his trade. I rubbed my wand down his shorts and into his crotch. John Crapo watching me do the ritual on this street hustler, then asked me for a Faerie blessing for his crotch also, so that he will be potent tonight too! Everyone had been drinking and we were in such a light hearted mood under the starry night. I gave John Crapo a Goddess blessing for sexual energy and one would had to be numb not to sense the raw sexual energy which was so strong and virile tonight. The male musk hung in the air like Faerie perfume. Ken Evens said he is moving to New Orleans because he feels drawn there to resolve some issues from a past life. When I told him about the Faerie circles we have been having in Salt Lake he insisted that we have one tonight under the moon. He took Mike, John Crapo, and me with him, through a back alley behind Broadway Shoe Repair Store and there in this open spaced, which seemed in the night air like an enchanted little garden, a circle was formed. Each held the penis of the person next to him in the right hand and rested the left hand on the other person's shoulder. We sang, and chanted, gave Ken a Faerie blessing under the waxing full moon. It was potent stuff and everyone became fully erect with male charged energy. Faerie Magick was swirling around us and it was all the more magickal because we were holding a pagan homosexual sky clad ritual in the heart of Patriarchal Salt Lake City just three blocks south of the Mormon Temple. Heady stuff. I expected to be covered with silvery pixie dust because there was so much magick in the heavy late summer night air. Finally, about 3 in the morning I took Mike Pipkin aka Puck home from the summer moon madness. A gift from the Goddess for sure.

3 September 1990 Monday

I slept in a lot today since there was no school for Labor Day. I ordered a pizza for dinner. I called about 20 people, even Billy Bikowski, about the “Peace Watch and Candle Light” vigil,  It was the Full moon tonight and the Sacred Faeries had a circle held over at  Carla Gourdin aka Spirit Dancer's house. It was magical. Those present were Spirit Dancer, Debbie Rosenberg aka Devorah, Kathryn Warner aka Luna , Marie, Mike Pipkin aka Puck, Bobbie Smith aka Gillian, and me, Gayflower. Devorah taught us the lyrics to Holly Near's "Sky Dances", which we sang, and we danced and did Magick. Luna taught us a song "I Walk in Beauty", which I really like. We also planned to meet every Wednesday for Crafts and to meet next Saturday as a Faerie presence at the "Say Yes to Life Celebration" at Liberty Park. Our next Faerie Circle is on October 5th which we have consensually agreed will be separate male and female circles so that we can work on some gender issues. Luna also suggested that we go to the Lava Hot Springs for Samhain which is the same as Halloween. After closing the circle, we all went down to the Federal Building on 1st South and State Street for the Peace Watch and Candlelight Vigil.  About fifty people attended including the Sacred Faeries. Rocky O’Donovan aka Sky Bear and Robert Erichsen aka Ariel, who just got back from their trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming were able to be there. Curtis Jensen and some of his friends also showed up. Mostly I think the Candlelight Vigil was made up of Quakers and Queers and Queer Quakers.  Rocky and I had a tiff and are on the outs again. I'm not sure what is setting it off other than our strong personalities which are probably at the root of it. Rocky is not happy unless he is the center of attention whether it promotes the common good or not. It’s been my observation from all these years that Rocky wants recognition for everything he does and is not content to work behind the scene to get projects done. My philosophy is to let others shine if it gets us where we want to go.

4 September 1990 Tuesday

It was an early out day for the kids and I only ate some apples for lunch until I could get home to finish the pizza I had left over. I went to Guardian Bank to get some new checks and in the evening  I walked through Memory Grove and found a place to sit beside City Creek and began to read Margot Adler’s  "Drawing Down the Moon". On the way over, I encountered Jimmy Hamamoto from KRCL who I told about our Faerie circles and he said that he'd like to attend. At Memory Grove I walked way towards the end where I wouldn't be distracted. I believe that parks, where there are lots of sexual energy being expended, are sacred spots and attract worshippers of the Goddess naturally and that is one of the reasons why heterosexual patriarchy want to keep the parks under surveillance. Luna's song keeps going through my head as I walk along the trail in Memory Grove and see the leaves changing their hues. I walk in beauty- Yes I do. Yes I do.

5 September 1990 Wednesday

I wish my lungs would clear up. I am afraid I might be damaging them from all the coughing and hacking I am doing at night while trying to sleep. It is still plenty warm in the day but kind of muggy in the evening. I didn’t eat any lunch but when I came  home I withdrew $40 from the bank and went to the store. I’ve been completely without groceries for about a week now. I bought $24 worth of groceries  and will but  $15 in the gas tank. I had to borrow $5 from Debbie Rosenberg last Monday for gas to get to work. Anyway, In the evening I walked up to Memory Grove again to read some more from "Drawing Down The Moon". During these last good days of Summer, I like being outdoors as much as possible. The leaves aren't really turning yet because everything is really dry. I am learning a lot about the cross quarter days and the solstices and equinoxes. They are the cycles in the life of the god and goddess. They should be the festivals where we do worship and celebration rather than just practicing magick which should be saved for the full moons. These times are called a lot of names but we know them as Halloween, Ground Hog Day, and May Day. I like the old names better. Mabon is the Fall equinox and we need to celebrate it soon. I called Bobbie Smith this evening to tell him that I was planning a Mabon celebration and am inviting all the Faeries. I also threw out to him the idea of ending the season of the five pillars with the New Year at Samhain, which is November 1st. I said let’s draw lots for the new pillars from the eleven Faeries we have now. He liked the idea but of course we have to bring it up at a meeting first for discussion. Bobbie also thought it might be a good idea to have ten pillars, 5 women and 5 males for the elements of fire, water, earth, and life so that when we have separate meetings by gender, we always have pillars. We also tossed around the idea of having gender separate meetings in the months in which we have both a Sabbat Festival and a full moon.

6 September 1990 Thursday

It has turned so hot that in school the kids are just suffering in my new room that doesn’t even have a widow to let in fresh air or a breeze. But I remember  the hot, hot heat wave days of late September and early October of Southern California.  I put $15  worth of gas in the van at $1.23 a gallon today. I only get about 10 miles a gallon so I can only go 120 miles on that when I used to be able to go 150 miles when gas was cheaper. It doesn’t hurt to be fuel conscious anymore  and maybe I ought to start taking the bus to more place in the good weather again. I stayed home this evening . Fran called  to say she received the $150  that I sent her but that the IRS is doing some shit again and don’t freak out. I talked to Debbie Rosenberg tonight about dissolving the old pillars and creating new pillars for the coming new year. I told her about the Mabon celebration and she told me that it would be on the same night as Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichsen’s wedding shower. I don't know why they are buying into that patriarchal bullshit anyway. They've lived together for two years and now they are getting married by the Quakers with a shower and everything! Give me a break. Knowing Rocky, he has some type of political objective. Maybe it’s to legitimize him in some of his Lesbian circles or among his heterosexual friends. Oh well. I should not be reading his beads. Kendra Souter and Gail Scott, who I met at Beyond Stonewall, last summer, came over to the apartment about 6:30 to have their medicine cards read. They both had five cards out of nine in common with each other. Amazing. Gail's main totem is Bat which stands for re-birth and Kendra's is Snake for Transmutation. Snakes are sacred to the Goddess. A powerful reading and I'm exhausted but I had a pleasant evening with them. I think Kendra is ready to become a Sacred Faerie but Gail is more cautious. She wants to make sure she's not getting into something over her head. I talked to Chuck Whyte tonight and he implied that Rev. Bruce Barton thinks that what we're doing is Satanic! That pisses me off. First of all, I don't even believe in Satan, let alone worship him or her. I told Chuck that it's the Christian Churches who are pre-occupied with Satan, and who are the true believers in the devil, way more than the Faeries ever could. I also told him that Bruce Barton has little room to talk when he accepts financial remuneration for spiritual guidance which some call “priest craft”. Chuck then tried defending Bruce being paid by saying how much he does for the community and I asked him then how much should I have been paid for running "Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians, The Utah AIDS Quilt Project, Beyond Stonewall, Unconditional Support," as well as doing the radio program Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL and writing articles for the Triangle Magazine? I let him know that I give my love to the Gay and Lesbian Community of Utah freely and only asked that that love come back to me freely as my only payment. I certainly hope that Bruce Barton doesn’t go head to toe with me over the Faeries. I know where the dirty laundry is so he should walk his talk.

7 September 1900 Friday

 I attended Community Council  tonight and we kicked David Nelson and Dale Sorenson’s butts. I am glad I got to take a bite for all the grief they gave me last summer. They were back to their old shenanigans, trying to manipulate the council by imposing Robert’s Rules of Order upon us. They even had the nerve to suggest that having the rules would “dispel the myth that we operate under bizarre and secret procedures.”  If there is a “myth” out there , they are the ones promoting the rumors. The council resolved  this matter three years ago  and it was decided back then that we didn’t want such a binding and intimidating restriction  put upon our semi-formal meetings. Mark Lawrence was in on this too. Becky Moorman and Alice Drake said they want to start a magazine that would be more of an arts and entertainment magazine then was the old Triangle but will still carry a resource guide and a community calendar. I guess they have invested heavily in the hardware and software which they will need to operate a newsmagazine, so their commitment to it is evident. I do like Becky, I just disagree with her on Lesbian separatism and was upset over the unkept commitments she made to me last year. But that is water under "the Bridge" now so to speak. I've spent the last year chewing on  Becky's ass. I now suppose I'll have to start kissing it. Oh Well. Media is everything when trying to accomplish anything. I invited Becky and Alice to the Mabon Festival because I know that they are pagans. Perhaps that will be enough of an Olive Branch. David Sharpton said that Governor Bangerter  isn’t declaring October AIDS Awareness Month so we have to get on the horn about that. I suppose Officer Dave Ward is the official liaison from the Police Department to the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. He was at the August meeting also. There was big turn out tonight with over 50 people. Kevin Hillman sure is a doll and hell of a nice man. Bobbie Smith isn’t feeling well. He still has a tooth ache. I know from this summer how draining  that can be.  ACT-UP is being formed here in Utah on October 6^th. Of course,  David Sharpton is involve with it. He has enough anger, bluster, fury, and muster to be a one man ACT-UP. After the meeting was over, Bobbie, Chuck Whyte, and I went to the Desert and Mountain States Conferences’ “cocktail party” over at Curtis Jensen’s place . I guess all members are in town for a planning meeting. After the party I went down to the Deerhunter but the strange and ugly acting “Stand and Model Sun” crowd was there so I left about 11 o’clock

8 September 1990 Saturday SLC UT

What a long but enchanting, magick filled day! Rev. Ruth Hoppe's "Say Yes to Life" Celebration was held at Liberty Park from 11 in the morning until 9 at night. This morning, I went over to Bobbie Smith but he was feeling terrible. He said that he had been throwing up all night and his tooth was killing him. I had given him my last codeine pain killer last night so when I went over to Carla Gourdin to cut her flowers for the ritual, she gave me two Tylenol No. 3 pills to bring back to him. Needless to say, he was wiped out the entire day and even though he went with us, he was not able to fully enjoy the splendid day. Perhaps that was the only blemish on a perfect day. Carla  wanted me to cut the flowers in her garden so we could help her make a large floral spiral at the park. I took Mike Pipkin and Rocky O’Donovan with Bobbie in my van. We all dressed in our Faerie drag. At Liberty Park we set up camp beneath some large Elm shade trees. Throughout the day, we were joined by Carla, Katryn Warner, Gail Scott, Kendra Souter, and Walt Larabee. It was really a fun day, with live New Age music, a drumming circle, Sufi dancing, and free food. Lots of colorful people. We helped Carla make a giant spiral of flowers on the lawn near the celebration. It was a beautiful piece of art. How wonderful it was to see the Sacred Faeries dancing in the light. It was really warm today, in the mid 90's. Mike volunteered to work most of the day in a food booth and that was so good to see him giving service and being of service. He can be such a sweet gentle giant. Rocky brought some sage smudge sticks and we gave people some Faerie blessings with the waffling smoke. Daniel Terranova, the young ten year old boy I met from last Summer Solstice’s ritual was at the festival and he sort of attached himself to me today and we had fun just playing and being silly. I swung him around, and he gave me a back rub and I gave him one with my Faerie wand I had bought in Boston. It was just playful innocence and we danced to the music of the Goddess. His parents are Dennis Terranova and Barbara Bellows who do rebirthing workshops. Daniel's older brother Jonathan who was about 15, later came over and joined Daniel and me. He wanted me to also give him a shoulder massage so I did, rolling my Faerie wand up and down his back like a rolling pin. Rocky and Mike said they were so envious because Jonathan was such a cute boy but I think these kids came to me because they could sense that I loved their old spirits more than their young bodies. I think they also saw me as sort of a parental figure after all I am 39 years old. The celebration was so nurturing to my soul. I gave Walt Larabee my blue head scarf that I had worn all summer ever since that powerful Moabitess gave it to me last Memorial Day. I also gave Gail Scott a bat pin and a Faerie scarf to be playful with. Gail is so funny! She makes me laugh all the time. For her Faerie name she is calling herself "Sky Rat" because her totem is a bat. I missed Debbie Rosenberg today but she had to work late and couldn't make it to the celebration. At the end of the day, we all did a spiral dance to the chanting and drumming of Native American drums. I was exhausted but my spirit rejoiced as the Goddess and her son embracing all in their gentle loving arms. The earth is my body. I must take care of her. The air is my breath. I must take care of it. Fire is my spirit. I must take care of it. Water is my Blood. I must take care of it. The Earth, the water, the fire the air! Return! return! return! return!

Addendum Say Yes to Life! Set to celebrate peace- Say Yes to Life! A nonprofit event sponsored by the World Peace Celebration , is scheduled at Liberty Park Sept. 8 from 11 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. This is the third year for the celebration that aims to recognize what is right with us and each other instead of pointing out the wrongs, said Rev. Ruth Hoppe, an organizer. Throughout the day, there will be dancing, singing, games, barefoot walking, meditations, prayer, speaking from the heart, networking, art and feasting. The event begins at 11:15 a.m. with a welcome from Rev. Hoppe. There will be Native American drumming and chanting by the Ah Ho group, Sufi dancing, Greek dancing, meditation and Indian rhythm music by Alene Gillilan & Son, guitar and singing by Robyn Simper and Israel dancing. Other performers include Alan Bachman, Barbara Bellows Terranova, Valorie Kay. Jay Toups, and the Eagle Ridge dancers.  

9 September 1990 Sunday SLC UT

I got up early this morning to go to Sunnyside Park to clean my van, read more from "Drawing Down the Moon", and to cruise. Not much was happening there at the glory hole in the men’s John and I was really horny. It’s been a month or more since I have been with anyone. While sitting and waiting for someone to show, which no one did ,I wrote this ditty. “I sucked his cock through a gloryhole, I sucked his cock and I sucked his soul, I sucked his cock until he came, He had no face and he had no name. Like sucking bullets through a gun, A little bit dangerous but a  whole lot of fun.” So, I left and went to Orson Spencer Hall on campus but the building was all locked up. However, I met this man outside who was also cruising. I invited him into my van and we had some hot sex. He fucked me and then we jacked off on to each other. It released a lot of tension for me. I then went over to the HPER building  to sit in the sauna and take a shower to clean myself up. I weighed in at 203 pounds so that’s good as I was down from 206. Back at the apartment I slept a lot this afternoon worn out from yesterday I suppose.  I did clean the house  but not much, just a lick and a promise. Mike Pipkin was out with Tracy for most of the day. The Greek Festival is going on now and Bobbie Smith said there are lots of people out there. In the evening, I went to KRCL and taped a radio program with Becky Moss. We interviewed Anna Martin from the Utah AIDS Foundation again about the upcoming AIDS Walk. I’m pledging some money through Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdin who have nearly $1,300 in pledges alone! Debbie and Carla came late to KRCL so we did another program after Anna Martin. I guess Anna is taking a hiatus from the AIDS Foundation for a while. The second program we did was a community news update about events coming up. We touched on  Chuck Whyte’s  Anti-Violence Project Benefit, the LGSU Conference, the new Good Time Bowling League Jeff Freedman created, the Bridge Magazine, ACT-UP  and some other items. I love the song Sky Dances written and sung by Holy Near that we played during the second taping. Anyway, I told Debbie and Carla that I am dropping out of the Stonewall Town Meeting as I’m way more involved in it than I intended to be. I feel like  Greg Hamilton is foistering a lot of the responsibility for it solely on me. I paid Debbie back the $5 I borrowed the other day and gave her another $5 towards the $12 I’m pledging for the AIDS Walk. Last Friday I paid $10 to the Stonewall Community Center subcommittee  as I can be a part of the initial council of 100 who are supposed to pledge a monthly support for the center. I’ll send more  when I can as Gay tithing.  Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichsen are having a reception/shower on September 22nd before Mabon and are getting married at Rotary Park on September 30th. I don't understand why they are buying into patriarchy unless they are doing it purely for political motivations. Robert doesn't even spend any time with Rocky at Faerie social gatherings anymore. I understand that he has problems with Debbie Rosenberg and Rocky has problems with Bobbie Smith. I have problems with both Rocky and Mike and everyone has problems with me.

10 September 1990 Monday SLC UT

I’m back in the classroom and it’s still hot, hot, hot. During my planning time, I am doing a 4 book clubs for the kids, Scholastic, Weekly Reader, Troll Books, and Trumpet. Right after I left school I had to rush down to FHP on 7500 south  to have my permanent filling put in by the dentist.  It only cost me $14 because of my insurance. I was surprised by that. At 5:30 this evening it was still 90 degrees out so about 7 o’clock to get out of the stuffy apartment, I walked up Memory Grove where I cut some wild wheat. I tied the sheaves together into faggot bundles to honor the Goddess of harvest.  I saw Jeff Sewell riding his bike around and he was as cute as ever. He should be turning 20 soon. He’s up at the U of U now going to college. I again encouraged him to make sure to get his two year Associate of Science degree which would lock in his under graduate classes. It was nice and cool in the canyon by City Creek. I'm still reading Drawing Down the Moon.

11 September 1990 Tuesday SLC UT

It’s the hottest September 11th in SLC on record at 97 degrees! And its supposed to stay hot for the rest of the week. I really don’t mind but it’s so hard on the kids to sit in a stifling room with no air circulating. Today is the primary runoff and I thought about voting on the Republican ticket for Genevieve Atwood over Dan Marriott but the thought of voting Republican for any reason made me want to gag. So, I just prepared for Jimmy Hamamoto to come over to have his medicine cards read. Jimmy does a Saturday music program on obscure songs from the 1960’s for KRCL. He is also a special education teacher out in West Valley. His main totem is the Dragonfly because the dragon had been coming to him for some time in dreams. It’s a Japanese tradition that when the dragon fell into the sea it became a seahorse and when he is in the air he's a dragonfly. Most of Jimmy's cards were dreamer cards. East- Antelope, South-Deer, West-Dolphin, North-Swan, Above-Hawk, I can't remember his below card but his Within card was the Fox, Left-Lizard and Right-Dragonfly. When we finished, John Crapo dropped by, which was a delightful surprise. We all visited until about 10:30 p.m. about Christian-Mother-Goddess concepts. I told them how I now accept Mary or Mari as the Supreme Creatrix and the mother of Jesus Christ, the male incarnate of the Godhead in the Western Tradition. We had a nice time visiting and it was a nice night.

12 September 1990 Wednesday SLC UT

Another record breaking day, at 99 degrees. And the heat wave goes on and on. In the evening went over to Bobbie Smith to pick him up, to take him over to Carla Gourdin and Debbie Rosenberg for crafts night. We were to make smudge sticks but when we arrived nothing was ready.  No one else showed up so we never did bind smudge sticks. I was kind of put out because I was all psyched up to do crafts and this wasn't the first time when people were supposed to show up for crafts or rituals but didn't or weren't ready to host them. When people show up for crafts or whatever, they want to do the activity planned not help with housekeeping or shopping.

13 September 1990 Thursday SLC UT

It was a scorcher again today and after the last recess, the water for the building was turned off because of a main water pipe broke. The kids were really suffering. On the news tonight, parents are upset about schools keeping their kids in rooms some which were averaging 90 to 100 degrees in the afternoon. This one classroom in Davis was gaged at 89 degrees  and it had fans going on in that room. I am sure my room was 95 degrees so I had them outside under shade trees for much of the time. When I came home, I was looking through my loose change as it had $10 in it from my kid’s book orders and now I only had $4 so Mike has been dipping into my things again. Well only two and half more months then bye bye Mike. Maybe he will pay me back tomorrow I hope so. He left the apartment to go up to Memory Grove while I stayed home to watch The Simpsons  and Babes as I really like Wendie Jo Sperber on the Fox Network tonight. At 8 o’clock I decided to go over to Carla Gourdin’s place for the Stonewall Town Meeting. Debbie was even later getting there  than me. In attendance were Willie Marshall, Greg Hamilton, Carla, Debbie, Linda Lowe, and me. Nothing was actually getting accomplished until I showed up. We agreed to endorse Bob Waldrop the Libertarian candidate for Senate District 1 and meet with some other candidates before endorsing others. Greg was being a pouty brat  when he wasn’t getting his way.  He wanted us to endorse Dave Jones over Jim Billingsley. Jim sent the questionnaire back to us with basically favorable responses while Dave didn’t send anything back to us. I’m really sick of Greg’s non Gay supportive attitude and I blasted him with my badger totem animal guide energy a few ties. He said he was voting for the Republican Atwood over Democrat Wayne Owens and I said that people who vote Republican party lines cannot be trusted, fucking Oregonian. I resigned tonight as Co-facilitator for the Stonewall Town Meeting. I'm done with politics for a while. I want to concentrate on me and my role in the Sacred Faeries and in the Gay community, in particular the Stonewall Community Center.  What is going on with me in my life?  It’s been a long hot summer and I’ve enjoyed myself immensely on the most part. There’s no one special in my life right now but so what? I’m actually looking forward to living alone again also. I like my kids  a lot this year. They are probably the nicest I have had so far teaching. My days are pretty filled. I have made contributions to my community. I work as a valuable job. I have enough money now for my needs. I have friends, people who would miss me if I disappeared and who have had their lives enriched because of me. I’ve had some hot times, good times, and sweet times. Is it just the human condition to always feel like something is missing? Or is genetically encoded in me by my roaming ancestors that I want more to see what is over that hill?

14 September 1990 Friday SLC UT

It was a magical night although it was hot, hot, hot at work again. I am doing a unit on Native Americans all week and in art we have made head bands and clay pottery. The  kids enjoy when I combine social studies with art.  It’s way too hot to do much else or anything too intense except to do light concentration and drawing. After school Derek Siddoway  came by my place and I asked when were we going to the show again? He said, "Why not tonight" so we did. We made a date to go out at 9 p.m. Mike Pipkin did not go into work today so he didn’t get paid and thus I didn’t get paid either. I only had a few pennies left in my money jar so I confronted him  about him dipping into it and he said he would pay me back tomorrow.  He takes me way too much for granted.  When Derek came back later, he was dressed real casual, wearing a head scarf like I do. We walked down to the Crossroads Mall to see a late showing of "Post Cards from the Edge." I saw Ola Robinson on the way over and I reminded her about the Mabon Feast next Saturday. The movie was really excellent about co-dependent behavior and substance abuse. Meryl Streep and Shirley MacLaine were wonderful of course. The movie was out around midnight so we took a stroll downtown just to enjoy looking at the closed shops. I was just really enjoying his company and I think he mine. He told me that he identified with the Norse God Loki and uses that as a nickname. After walking back to my place neither one of us was willing or ready to call it a night so I asked him if he had ever been to Brigham Young's grave because it was just around the corner from my apartment. He hadn't, so we walked over to 1st Avenue and finding that the cemetery gate was still open we went in. We found Brigham Young's grave and there we sat and laid on the grass nearby the slab that marks his grave and some of his wives. We were just wanting to get to know each other better. He confided in me that he had been sent home early from his mission and excommunicated but I didn't ask why. I knew that boys were primarily sent home for sexual misconduct. It was a major act of trust to confide in me that much. I just told him that it was irrelevant to me why he was sent home and that his aura and spirit spoke volumes to me about what a gentle, kind man he was. I instinctively began to massage his neck as I sat behind him and eventually was bold enough to brush and stroke the hair off of his forehead. We spoke softly in the warm night air about our lives, hopes and dreams right there in the shadows of Brigham's perfumed garden cemetery. Derek said that he always felt attracted to the moon and wants to experience more out of life than he has so far. He also told me how when he was the custodian at my school, he went into all the teacher's rooms searching for someone to talk to until he found me. He said that I don't act like a 40 year old man and I replied, "That's just my body. It’s been around the sun forty times now but my spirit is 19 and always will be. I talked about my belief in re-incarnation and how we re-incarnate in groups of spirits but only each time in different bodies and different relationships each time. I wanted to reach down and kiss this sweet, beautiful man so much, sitting in this garden perfumed heavily by the flowers scenting the warm night air. But I let the moment pass and just basked in the wonder of the Faerie magick that surrounded us. Before we knew it, it was 3 a.m. and he had to leave to get home since he's still living with his parents and they would harangue him about staying out so late. I told him that we had to get together for me to read his medicine cards soon. I hugged him goodnight and he hugged me back. What will come of this if anything?

15 September 1990 Saturday SLC UT

I missed the AIDS Walk For Life fund-raiser this morning because I was still groggy and tired from the magick and enchantment of last night. It was nearly 2 in the afternoon before I really began to stir. Debbie Rosenberg later called me to say that she and Carla Gourdin won the trip to New Orleans by raising nearly $2,500 in pledges for the AIDS Foundation. I am really happy for them. I was really wiped out today but I did manage to go to Chuck A Rama for a late lunch. I hadn’t eaten there in years. The food has improved and it wasn’t bad at all especially the salad bar and rolls. In fact, it was much better than Sizzler’s salad bar.  I went with Mike Pipkin and we visited about what is going on with him. His life is such a mess but he has to be the one to straighten it up. At Chuck a Rama I encountered Keith Merrill  who I worked with back in my days at Utah Title. He’s working still in title but for Associates up in Bountiful. In the late afternoon It was still plenty warm at 90 degrees but it’s beginning to cool off. I’m sorry but personally I like the heat. Mike Pipkin and I went over to Memory Grove where I picked and bound some more wild wheat. In the evening, I went out with Chuck Whyte and Jimmy Hamamoto, first to the Deerhunter and then to Club 108. Jimmy and I visited and we got to know each other better. We talked about our younger days in Southern California.  He’ a year younger than me and his birthday was just at the beginning of the month. We reminisced about cartoon hosts from our childhoods like Skipper Frank, Engineer Bill and Sheriff John. That was fun. I told him about John Cunningham, my beloved John. After taking the guys home it was late around 1:30 so it’s been a wipe out weekend. I spent much of the time talking about Derek Siddoway so I must have a crush on him. Oh Well.

Addendum The police estimated that 1,300 people walked from Liberty Park up Main Street, past The Tribune Building and returned to Liberty Park. These 1,300 people walked 6.2miles as part of "A Walk For Life." This pledge walk raised funds to provide support for the Utah AIDS Foundation and other AIDS service providers in Utah. We are appalled that the Sunday Tribune carried no mention what soever of this walk when 1,300 Salt Lake citizens directly participated in the event and thousands of others pledged funds. Over $45,000 was raised. Gov. Bangerter and Mayor DePaulis sent personal endorsements. Many local government representatives and candidates attended. City Councilman Tom Godfrey and State DeFrank Pignanelli spoke. Michele Parish-Pixler executive director of Utah ACLU offered the opening prayer. The Salt Lake Tribune did see fit to cover another significant event taking place that day, the Make-a-Wish Foundation's Rubber Ducky Derby. By its non-coverage of the Walk for Life, The Tribune has stated its position on AIDS and AIDS-related issues clearly. FRAN PRUYN, KAREN MELVILLE, TROY HUNTER Salt Lake City -   : (11/09/90 pg. A 21  SL Tribune)

16 September 1990 Sunday

I was able to get some needed sleep this morning. I’ve been wiped out. I’ve been calling people to remind them about the Mabon festival. I walked up to Memory Grove in the early afternoon to pick more wheat  and bind it. While I was there I met some guy who wanted to suck  my cock so we went way up the side of the hill behind some scrub oak bushed and it was a pleasant to have him sucking me. After I came, I said thanks and went back to binding wheat for a while. Later I went up to the HPER sana to soak and sweat. I visited a little with Beau Chaine who was also up there using the sauna. I told im how Rod Schaffer called me today to hand back Beyond Stonewall to me. He lost his job of 11 years and is moving to Seattle with Randy. So, I’m glad that I won’t be dealing with him. All I asked for was the $150  deposit for the rental of the camp which is what I gave him last year. I called Debbie Rosenberg and asked her if she would be my co-director  in charge of finances and she agreed. We will put it all together from scratch. I heard some sad news from her that Brenda Voisard is moving to Ohio because her lover’s job was transferred there. She was co-director for Gay Pride Day along with Kevin Hillman for next year. Debbie said she may step in to help with Pride.  In the evening, I went to Affirmation and they had a good turn out of almost 30 people. Duane Dawson has stepped away and now Johnny Anderson  is the official director. He had gone to Scottsdale, Arizona for the national Affirmation Conference which he said was very good. It was a fun meeting for a change. I only stayed until 9 o’clock so I could be home to call John Cunningham as he had called earlier when I wasn’t home. When I called him back his mother answered and she said that John had been drinking  again. I said I was sorry to hear that and I would call him at a later time. I called again at 10 and  this time his brother James  answered and said that John had been on a binge and he was sleeping it off so it was better to let him sleep.  I agreed. It’s probably been 20 years since the last time I spoke to James. He said he and his wife had separated and that he had two children. I said I was sorry to hear he and his wife were separated and then said I would try calling John back on Tuesday. As I am writing this, I am amused or maybe just astonished, I’m not sure which one, that I am involved again with John’s family after all these years.  I wonder why John is drinking again? Is he in that much pain? Is his family driving him crazy?  Is he driving himself crazy? Even at our ages, I wonder if he and I are mature enough to have learned anything from our life lesson to make a go of it,  if we ever got together.  I’m presuming that John even loves me. I think he does. In my heart of hearts and in the secret place where my spirit dwells, I know that John loves me, perhaps not as I have loved him after all who can love so intently put a poet. John you will always be my beloved.

17 September 1990 Monday

The weather has broken again and it’s cooling off so we are not suffering as much at school. I called Becky Moss, after coming home from school, for nearly an hour just to visit and help distract her from her grief  over the break up with Catherine Clark.  She said she’s had a couple of passes made at her already, but she says she just not ready yet to date. So far, I’ve invited the following people to our Mabon celebration. They are Debbie Rosenberg, Carla Gourdin, Rocky O’Donovan, Robert Erichsen, Bobbie Smith, Mike Pipkin, John Crapo, Gai Scott, Kendra Souter, Jimmy Hamamoto, Luci Malin, Becky Moss, Becky Moorman, Alice Drake, Brook Hallock, Nancy Perez, Marie, Neil Hoyt, Walt Larabee, Mark Hanson, Jon Schild, and John Merrill.  I drove up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union meeting to get Justin Webber’s address. LGSU was a dud but I stayed to visited with Angela Nutt, Bobbie Smith and his new roommate Danielle Schaeffermeyer afterwards. I learned that Dale Sorenson had broken off with David Nelson, saying he didn’t want to see him again and is dropping out of the Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats. Maybe he is tired of being used by David’s Machiavellian tactics.  At community council, David abstained from voting  on the motion to adopt Robert’s Rules or Order leaving Dale to hang in the wind as he had proposed the motion. Oh well. Another political union bites the dust. At LGSU tonight Andy Dalrymple and David Nelson sat across from each other and glared. I wonder what is going on in their minds. Angela is mad at Kevin Warren  also, because he dropped most of the responsibility of the upcoming conference on to her. She confirmed to me also that Kevin was probably making up most of those threatening phone calls he said he had been receiving. Danielle I guess enjoys living with Bobie on Del Mar Court.

18 September 1990 Tuesday

The weather is changing and it drizzled some this evening. When I came home from Orchard, Chuck Whyte called me asking to borrow $20. When I went to the MCC church to bring him the money, I heard from Bruce Harmon that Bobby Dupray, the co-owner of the In-Between  and Donny Eastepp’s lover, died today from AIDS. I’m sure there will be a community memorial service for him. In the evening I went over to Carla Gourdin’s and Debbie Rosenberg to finally bind some sage. Debbie Rosenberg said that the Goddess had given her a song and a new name yesterday. Her new Faerie name is Apple Star. Isn't that a beautiful name! When you cut an apple through the middle, and not top to bottom, you see a five pointed star. I had asked Kathryn Warner if she would help with Beyond Stonewall next year and she agreed.   I tried calling John Cunningham today but his mother wouldn’t let me talk to because he was still binge drinking and being erratic.  I also called Bob Pruett the director of the YMCA about reserving Camp Rogers for next year’s retreat. I was told that Mike Spain was the new director of the camp who was a way for a couple of weeks and I will have to deal with him. I also talked to Bob Waldrop about coming to the Mabon Celebration and that I had resigned from the Stonewall Town Meeting.

Addendum Bobby Joe Dubray died of AIDS at age of 47- The community lost a good friend and tireless supporter when Bobby Joe Dubray, husband of Donny Eastepp and co-owner of the In between Tavern passed away after a courageous battle with AIDS. Bobby was Founder and President of Remember the Forgotten Children. His good will and sense of humor was indefatigable  Ours hearts go out to Donny and their friends and family. A longtime Utah resident he was born 17 Nov 1947 in Boulder Colorado. He is survived by his lifetime companion, lover, partner, and friend Donny Eastepp.

19 September 1990 Wednesday

It was a rainy day off and on. It sure has cooled the weather off. It’s down almost 25 degrees from last week. Right after school I went to the state liquor store on 400 South to buy some apricot brandy and white zinfandel for Mabon. When I came home there was a message from Mark Hanson wanting to have his cards read. He had some type of rehearsal at 7 p.m. so I had him come over at 5:30. Before he came over though I called Derek Siddoway to see if he'd like to have his cards read and he surprised me by saying that he wanted them read tonight! He had to do some errands but said that he'd come over at 8:00 p.m. I also said that I'd fix him dinner. I made falafel and an apple cobbler for us. Mark Hanson came over on time and we both got sky clad as I read his medicine cards. His main totem was the Frog for cleansing energy. However, the majority of his cards had to do with his overcoming his fears. I thought he might be disappointed, insulted, or even skeptical but he said that the reading was truly amazing because he had just come from Golden Braid Bookstore on 300 South, where he was looking for books dealing specifically with fear issues! We had a nice time and Mark said he hopes he can make it to Mabon. Mike Pipkin knew I wanted to be alone with Derek tonight so he left for the Radio City Bar for a beer bust after borrowing a couple of bucks from me. Before I get more into what happened with Derek I must say I think I am in love with him. I think I was since the first time he came into my classroom. His bright eyes, keen intellect, boyish attitude were captivating. With that said I need to be extremely careful with my feelings. Derek and I have never even  remotely talked about Gay issues. So, what happened tonight was strange and odd. I brewed some spearmint tea to go with dinner and then when Derek came over I had him do a rainbow spread on my coffee table with the cards. He pulled otter, elk, possum, spider, crow, coyote, weasel, butterfly, and bear. I knew that he would pull coyote because when I first met him last Spring, he said that his name was Loki the trickster. That's coyote medicine. He also pulled the Coyote as his main totem. Pretty amazing! After doing the medicine cards reading for him, I had him lie down on his stomach and I gave him a long, long massage but mostly I just was pampering him. It was a comfort contact type of massage and I was using these techniques mostly as an excuse to hold his hand. We discussed science fiction, saying he loved Dune and told me all about it as I was caressing him. I was getting the strangest vibe. He had to leave  however,  when it was after 11,  as his parents get upset if he comes home late. Neither of us realized the time had slipped away. It was hard to let him leave. As he left, I hugged him again but this time we just held each other in our arms and it felt wonderful and serene. I kissed him goodnight, which took both me and him by surprise. It  seemed at the time the most natural thing to do. He didn’t acted repulsed or shocked just surprised. Was it his first kiss from a man?  I hope it’s not his last but  perhaps that kiss may have cost me  his friendship. Better to find out now. He had so many Gay and women energy cards in his spread. I mean Otter and Elk right next to each other. Elk is definitely a Gay card and Otter is the dominate women energy card. I know he’s Gay but does he? I wonder. I do love him. I have fallen in love again. Heart take notice and be prepared to break . He’s 21 years old, younger than my nephew, a returned missionary although a rebel. What would he want with me? Everything I hope. “Falling in love again Never wanted to, What am I to do? I can't help it- Love's always been my game play it how I may, I was made that way I can't help it.”

20 September 1990 Thursday

I made a point of staying home tonight and did nothing but watch TV. I watched The Simpsons, Babes, Cheers, and American Dreamer. My health is good lately although there’s a lot of flu going around school already. I have been obsessed with Derek Siddoway a lot and he’s on my mind constantly. He sure kicked Billy Bikowski right out of my head. It would be easy to fall in love with  him. He has the boyish  charm and enthusiasm of Billy and the intellect of John Cunningham. What a powerful combination.

21 September 1990 Friday

School has been going now for about  month. So, we are back into the daily routine. I’m a little overwhelmed right now  but I should be getting a handle on it soon. I need to start staying until 4 o’clock  or later each day  just to really stay caught up with grading papers and lesson planning.  Leaving at 3:30, while nice,  puts me behind on correcting papers and the rest. When I came home  from work, Chuck Whyte called me to see if he could just pay me back later.  I said sure as I was not hurting  like last month. I also told him about my feelings for Derek Siddoway and how worried I am  that I might have scared him off by kissing him the other night. Perhaps a blow job he could have handled  but not an affectionate kiss. Anyway, Chuck gave me some sound advice. He said for me to call Derek  and ask him over for dinner. If he accepts everything is copacetic. If he declines or acts  stand -offish, that will indicate  that he’s freaked out or not interested. Good advice. When I called Derek, I received a non-committal answer . Derek said he was stressed out at work and that he’d probably be working until midnight. So, I just asked him to call me sometime. I think I will let some time pass before I call him again if ever to talk about what happened between us.  In the evening I went over to Bobbie Smith to help decorate for tomorrow's Mabon festival. I think it’s going to be fun. We strung Fall colored streamers, made an altar, put a drawing of a unicorn on the door and some other fun things. I'm glad we did it tonight. I still need to gather Fall leaves and sunflowers for tomorrow.  I went home to bed  by 10:30. Danielle Schaeffermeyer is having a  problem with Kevin Warren at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. Everything is so intense at that age.

22 September 1990 Saturday SLC UT

Today is the last full day of Summer. Autumn begins tomorrow at 2:55 a.m. Sunday morning. I've been cooking onions down all day to make onion butter. It's just onions simmered to mush. I'm bring onion butter, corn bread, and Goddess Apple wine for the festival. I went to Andrea Dahl and Coral Mangus  wedding today at 11 this morning in the Unitarian chapel. At least 75 people, probably more, attended. The crème le crème of the Lesbian community came. I sat behind Liza smart  and with Patty Reagan. It was nice joyful ceremony and I was glad I went. I didn’t stay for their reception because of having so much to do today. After the wedding I went and picked up Bobbie Smith from Del Mar Court, and we went to Thrift-Town where I bought some sweat pants, a shirt and some other trinkets. Bobbie bought a bunch of candles. When we went to Albertson’s on Second South  I bought some house plants on sale especially a fig tree and corn plant and some philodendrons.  Bobbie and I then went behind Memory Grove down the trail to pick sunflowers, acorns, oak leaves, and other fall colored leaves. We also found some cattails. That was fun. I then brought Jimmy Hamamoto and Mike Pipkin over to Bobbie Smith place at 6 p.m.  Jimmy told us that his Faerie name is Fuku Masaru which means something like Gentle Dragon in Japanese. Over at Bobbie's, we started having a little problem with Mike because he had been drinking all day and he was getting a little loud and obnoxious. The people who attended our first official Festival were Bobbie, Mike, Jimmy, Rocky O’Donovan, Debbie Rosenberg, Carla Gourdin Kendra Souter who chose Ursis Heribulis as her faerie name, Gail Scott, Kathryn Warner,  Chrisanmuntree, Brook Hallock, Nancy Perez, Alice Drake, Becky Moorman, Liza Smart who chose The Starry One as her faerie name, Curtis Jensen, Matt Landis, Justin Webber, John Merrill, a guy named Danny and me. All in all, we had about 20 people. We started late at 8 o’clock because of people's schedules. We opened the circle and we sang, chanted, and did some magick. We blessed the wine and bread and lamented the death of the sun. Liza Smart came much later after she had catered two weddings.   We had a lot of fun and I think everyone had plenty of food and drink. I'm glad that Curtis and John “Dixie” Merrill  came. I missed Becky Moss and John Crapo, however, who couldn’t make it.  An observation I made during the festival is that Mike and Rocky obviously feel different about the purpose of the Sacred Faeries then Debbie Rosenberg, Bobbie Smith and I do. They deliberately tried to act out of harmony with the rest of us and with the spirit of the occasion, but that's okay. At the business portion, after closing the circle, we agreed to restructure the Sacred Faeries with eight pillars, 4 male and 4 females. We will meet separately by gender on the full moons which occur in the same month of a Sabbat. The party was over by midnight and after taking Jimmy and Mike home, I came back to Bobbie Smith to help him cleanup. We visited and clean until 2 in the morning. I think it was a fun and successful gathering for everyone. But I can see how Nancy, Brook, Becky, and Alice would not fit in as Faeries. They are more wiccan and too serious for us. I was really horny after cleaning up the place and wanted to get laid so I cruised Broadway and Main going around the block in circles until 4:30 . By that time, I was not at all picky and picked up a guy and fucked him in my van.

23 September 1990 Sunday SLC UT

It is the first day of Autumn and I was wasted for much if the day from going to bed so late. Today was Bobby Dupray’s memorial service at the In Between but I didn’t attended. I heard he was cremated. I went up to Orson Spencer Hall and cruised a little. There was not a whole lot going on just a lot of “musical chairs” with guys going from one bathroom to another.  So, I left and went to the HPER sauna and met this one kid that was cute and hunky. I left the student sauna and went into the faulty sauna and he followed me.  I soaped up in the shower and started jerking off and he did also. So, I went over, spreading soap between his thighs and around his nipple. Another guy came in and joined us but this kid only wanted me. He wanted to be fucked and he had the cutest sexy ass so I soaped him up and started to fuck him but we kept getting interrupted.  I also had him fuck me also but neither one of us came because the place was busy. Eventually he split and I ended going into the sauna just to jack off. It was really hot playing around in the shower with this guy  while we could. At four this afternoon I went over to Becky Moss to read her medicine cards. The reason she said that she didn't attend the Mabon Celebration was that someone had broken out a window in her home and she had freaked. It was probably just punks being rowdy as it was a rowdy night last night. Becky and I had three cards in common, the ant for community service, the Bear for Introspection and the Grouse for the Sacred Spiral. She also had the porcupine, the moose, buffalo, hummingbird, snake, and turtle. Her hummingbird was in contrary however which is evident that her joy is upset with her lover having left her. Her main totem was the Buffalo which she had pulled out of the stack to look at even before we began and she knew it was her totem. And it came to her. So, it was no coincidence. After the reading we went to the KRCL Station  to tape a show but once there I became really fatigued and begged off and just drove back home. There I started watching the Ken Burns Civil War program on PBS before going to bed. I was missing Derek. Does he miss me?

24 September 1990 Monday

My shower is running like a sieve constantly now and it’s the hot water. So, I called the Covey Management and they said they’d get to it tomorrow.  At school we started the Fifth Grade S.A.T.  test this week. Well at least the weather  has cooled down so its not so warm in the classroom. I’ve felt worn out all day so when I came home, I did up some dishes, fixed dinner, and just stayed home. There’s still a lot of saber rattling in the Near East. The Soviet Union is beginning the decentralizing of Communism  and trying to figure out a way  to bring back ownership of private property. I watched Ken Burns’ PBS series on the Civil War for the year 1862. It was so sad. I wonder where I was back then.

25 September 1990 Tuesday

Today will probably be the last time I do anything with Derek Siddoway, his choice not mine. When I came home from school, the Covey still hadn’t fixed  the shower and the steam from the hot water is making the apartment seem like a steam bath. Anyway, I called them again to get someone over to fix it but no one had  by the time I left later in the evening. At 5 o’clock Justin Webber called to say he had free tickets  for me to see “Fantasia” that was being shown in the Orson Spencer Hall auditorium up at the U of U.  I was surprised that they were for tonight. I wanted to take Derek  so I  called his work number but he wasn’t there so I looked in the phone directory  to try and find his home number, which I did. He sounded a little aloof but said he would go with me but he would meet me up on campus.  Walt Disney’s Fantasia started at 8 and Derek was there at 7:45 looking adorable. Curtis Jensen and Matt Landis were both at the show  too and we sat behind them. Derek was a Sphinx all evening and I could not read  him at all. I know I was enjoying Fantasia a lot and hoped he was also. Because of the length of the film, we weren’t out until 10:10 and by that time it was raining with lightning flashing all around us. I asked Derek what was his schedule now that he was back in school but he was really vague about it and non-committal. I just shrugged it off as I felt like it was his way of not letting me into much of  his life. I went to bed disappointed  but life goes on.

26 September 1990 Wednesday.

We spent much of the day still doing the National SAT testing  as we will all this week. The weather has cooled down considerably so the classroom isn’t so miserable. Once I came home from work, I didn’t go out for the rest of the evening. The Covey management finally  fixed the shower just as I was getting home from work so the steam bath in the bathroom is finally over. A man named Tom called me this late afternoon wanting to get together  this coming Sunday for sex. I need a fuck buddy  for the long winter ahead d rather than out cruising around. I hope it works out with this Tom guy. Fucking is so less complicated then making love. In the evening, I watched part 4 of the Civil War series about 1864. The show is so melancholy for me  thinking of all those e beautiful young men rotting away in graves way too young. Heterosexuals truly know how to fuck up the world. They’d rather kill young men the make love with them. Strange. I wonder where I was during the Civil War. I know I was there because of  my strong attachment to the Civil War. Afterwards I read some from my family histories after the program was over as all my families participated in the war. It made me think I should start doing genealogy again using the talent I have for it. Bob Waldrop wants me to sign a letter of endorsement for his candidacy for Senate District 1 as a Libertarian. I will.

27 September 1990 Thursday

Dave Reed of all people called me this morning as I was preparing to go to work. That was strange. He wanted us to get together for lunch some time. I’m sure it’s to sell me some financial planning  package. It’s all good though because I should probably  start thinking about it in case if I get sick and die. Anyway, after talking to him, I began to think how Billy Bikowski, Dave and I are all linked and if I don’t see Billy on his birthday I usually for some reason see Dave or hear from him. In the afternoon it began to sprinkle some but nothing really soaking but we had to have an indoor recess.  In the evening, I went to my herb and homeopathic medicine class at East High that I signed up for. The class was interesting and I learned mostly about a native American Herb called Echinacea. It builds up the immune system and helps prevents flus and colds. I also learned that Siberian Ginseng is for stress, Hawthorne Berries is a tonic for the heart, Korean Ginseng is an aphrodisiac, Slippery Elm is for colds, Milk thistle and Dandelions are for liver problems. Cayenne will clot blood and taken internally stimulates the circulation. Garlic is for inflammation of the ear and purifies the blood. Freeze dried nettles are for Hay fever. Raspberry Tea is a tonic.  Plantain is for colds and so is Greek Fennel. Herbs should be stored in glass and kept in dark.

28 September 1990 Friday

I Had to restrain myself from calling Billy Bikowski on his 29^th birthday. I didn’t send him a card or anything either. Dave Reed called me again today but he didn’t know that today was Billy’s birthday. In the evening, I went to the Deerhunter to get out of the house. I went alone and met some fun people I knew there. Dave Omer was there with Fank Fatah along with Johnny Anderson who is now the director of the Wasatch Affirmation. At the bar I met this gorgeous kid named Rich who is in the service up at Hill Air Force Base. He had to be real discreet. I had fun just be-bopping around visiting and gossiping. I got home really late again after cruising downtown after the bar closed.

29 September 1990 Saturday SLC UT

So, September is once again almost over. I went over to Bobbie Smith to get the last of the Mabon ritual things. Then Mike Pipkin and I went out running around shopping. I didn't do much else all day. I just kind of collapsed. I did, however, decide to bring out all my Halloween decor, the ceramic pumpkins, ghosts and all the rest.

30 September 1990 Sunday

Tom never called or anything so I went to Affirmation tonight to see Walt Larabee’s  Slip Ups perform. Dave Omer had joined the group and it was his premier. The group was funny as ever. I sat with Kendra Souter and Gail Souter. There was a good turnout for the show, at least 100 people. Afterwards I went to the Aardvark Café  which was rather nostalgic for me as that Lynn Le Masters and Carol Dee from the Restoration Church  are working there for Beau Chaine.  Chuck Whyte’s show, which was a fundraiser for the community councils Anti-Violence Project,  was also held tonight at Club 108. I wonder how it went.