Summer 3rd Quarter Journal 1986 July-September

 

JULY 1986

1 July 1986 Tuesday

Fran and I had decided that it’s time to move on. I paid for a month rent so she could take her time for the move. We are just heartsick but it’s the only thing that can be done. I cannot go back to the way things were. I realize more than ever that while I love Fran, I am not in love with her and never really was but just pretend because it was easier. She says she wants me just to have a boyfriend on the side and stay with her but I cannot in good conscience do that and to tell the truth her high dramas and mood swings have just about wore me out.

July 1st, 1986: Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 28, which says that John R. Crane is to give dedicatory prayer for temple structure and instructions for temple worship. (1)

Additional Material 

 John R. Crane receives a revelation, now verses 1-5 of HT&P 32, which teach that God has many names and those who choose to take on the names of God are blessed. (1)

2 July 1986 Wednesday

Fran took the cats down to the Humane Society and had them all put to sleep. She didn't consult me but said she felt it was the right thing to do. She had her friend Shannon help her with it. Now all our babies are gone. I am sad about it but not as devastated as I was with Sam and Toby for whom I am still grieving.  Jack, Killer, and Baby were stray kittens that Fran rescued in California and brought with her to Utah last August. Killer was beside himself after the dogs were gone, hiding in the closet shelves just crying and Jack was so infested with fleas even after all the dipping that putting him to sleep was surely putting himself out of his misery. I worked until almost seven in the evening and then walked home to Roberta Street. It was nearly 8 when Fran and Shannon came home. We visited for a while then Fran started packing things away. The house is so still. It’s hard to imagine that for the first time in ten years there are no animals to feed and care for.

3 July 1986 Thursday

I came home early because the computers went down at work and it was a crazy day. It was though fun with goofing around with Troy and Trent Holmberg, the teenage copy boys. They are neat kids. At home Fran said she was going to Levan for the 4th of July holiday. So I guess I will be "batching" it for the 3 day holiday weekend. I went to the grocery store before she left with the car because I was having John Howell over for dinner this Saturday. I bought ingredients to make quiche, a spinach salad, a fruit plate and cheesecake and only spent $20 on it all including the wine coolers. I had to be cheap because Fran informed me before taking off that we are broke until next payday. Just great! When I was doing the bills last year, we paid off our credit cards, and stayed out of debt and now I don't know what is going on. Well I do too. She is spending money on credit cards and treating her friends to lunches. It would be okay if she was working but she's not. I went for a walk after Fran left, to walk off some frustration. I walked over  to 8th South and 9th East over to see Lynn Fetting my friend from work. She and her friend Joe were home and I could smell that they had been smoking dope. We visited and listened to some mellow Celtic music. I hear in the news that back east in New York City they are having a blow out bash to rededicate the Statue of Liberty. I could care less right now about America's self indulgence and back patting. It was after midnight before going to bed in an empty house. The house is so quiet. I will be glad to be out of here.

4 July 1986 Friday

In the afternoon I walked to Liberty Park where the Salt Lake German community was having a Polka Folk Fest. That was fun to see all the cute boys in lederhosen. In the evening Jon Butler and Lon Wright invited to go with them up to the U of U to watch the fireworks from the hillside by the Medical Center. The Triangle Magazine was sponsoring a community get together. I brought a quilt to lay on and I am glad I did because it turned downright cold up there. It was about 60 degrees but since it was windy it was damn chilly. There was a good turnout of Gays. About 20 people I suppose. There were Lon, Jon, Alma Smith, his friend Stephen Bastraud, and I all huddled beneath my quilt trying to keep warm. I was only dressed in shorts because who would have thought the 4th of July would be so cold? Certainly not me. I met this kid named Walter Larabee who I had seen a few times at Affirmation. He was wearing a naval commodore hat with huge ostrich plume. He was so campy and funny. I just love being around Gay people. While the fireworks were nice they were not worth the two and a half hour wait in a traffic jam getting down from the U. However, I did not wait that long because after 15 minutes sitting in Jon's van immobilized, I said "Hold the phone! I'm taking a hike!" and I walked home. I even got home faster than Lon and Jon did who stopped by to see if I made it okay. Jon had with him his friend Carolyn who he picked up along the way. I finally got to meet her. Jon raves about her so much. She seemed nice. While it was kind of a slow day for me it certainly was a fun evening.

Additional Material- 

Women On Wheels sponsored three days of camping in the Uintah surrounded by sun, trees, mountain air, laughter and of course women. About 25 Lesbians participated.

5 July 1986 Saturday

So much preparation and expectation for such a little emotional return. After sleeping in, Jon Butler dropped by the house and we visited about the Sunstone issues I have been reading lately. There were articles about the LDS Church changing the temple endowment ceremonies, the altering of the Book of Mormon, and their abandonment of Joseph Smith's teachings on anti-monogamy, anti-capitalism, and the church's now embarrassing super patriotism.   We had a good visit and he told me about his trailer park prophet LeBaron which I suspect has as much business calling himself a prophet as Ezra Taft or Tony Feliz does. Oh yeah they all have these existential "keys" to heaven. Oh Brother. I just don't get Jon's blind faith in this LaBaron guy because he holds some sort of line of authority. After Jon left I began working on dinner for John Howell and then cleaning up. I baked two clam quiches, made a fruit salad, a spinach salad with bacon dressing, and a chocolate cheesecake. I had even bought his favorite liquor, Red Label Scotch. I just wanted things to be perfect and romantic. Dinner wasn't until 8 this evening but by 6 I was already getting so antsy in anticipation. John walked over from his place near Liberty Park and said he had no trouble finding the house. We visited, smooched some, and then had dinner. Right after eating he says to me that he hated to eat and run but he had a friend flying in from Dallas whom he had to pick up at the airport by ten. I was extremely disappointed but wouldn't let on so at 9:30 we left the house and I walked him home. Not wishing to go back home to an empty house and see the ruins of my dinner dishes and misplaced dreams, I walked over to 8th East and 8th South to visit with Lon Wright and share my woes. However, I saw that Jon Butler's was there by his vehicle being in the driveway, and since no lights were on I didn't want to intrude, so I walked back home through the park and went to bed. Alone. I hate this house. Well what did I expect? I just wanted John to come over for dinner and to visit some and we did that...but I guess I was hoping he would show me some gratitude in a most horizontal way.

Additional Material 

The Statue of Liberty is reopened to the public after an extensive refurbishing.

• "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" by Billy Ocean is number one song on national charts

6 July 1986 Sunday

I didn't go to church today but did make it to Affirmation. Russ Lane shared with the group all the big to do, about the National Affirmation Conference in San Francisco and Gay Pride Parade. Russ said that a Mormon poet spoke at the conference about a book she wrote about her husband who died of AIDS. That should shake up a few people up. Russ was all animated; kissy and huggy in his natural habitat. I just sat with Mark Lamar dressed as Alice Foxx, Jon Butler, Mike Howard, and Walt Larabee who kept making fun of Russ. I tried not to laugh but he's so funny. The sitting parlor room at the Crossroads Urban Center is way too small for Affirmation now but I hate to see us leave it. The room forces an intimacy upon the group that a larger room wouldn't. Jon Butler said that the gang from Southern California are coming up next weekend and that Lamar Hamilton basically has dropped out of any leadership position in the church due to Tony's increasing revelations on how he is to be the Prophet Seer and Revelator and supported by members of the church. All I see is Tony surrounding himself with the young pretty boys and placing them in leadership positions. Fran called me saying she's staying in Levan an extra day so I am on my own getting to work tomorrow.

Additional Material 

LaMar Hamilton verbally resigned from his position in the Presidency of The High Priesthood, but the resignation was not accepted at the time, as only revelation could release him from a divinely appointed calling. A special fast was held on July 6, 1986, by the High Priests in response. Antonio A. Feliz then received a revelation (HT&P 29) that officially released Hamilton from the Presidency, issued a broader rebuke to unfaithful leaders, and conditionally offered reappointment to Eduardo Muldong if he remained faithful to his covenants. 

7 July 1989 Monday

It was another unseasonably cool day. In the afternoon we had a quick summer storm roll across the valley cooling things off even more. I left the house at eight-:thirty to catch a bus to work at Utah Title but I was dragging butt all day. It was a good thing we were not busy. During my lunch hour I went looking at apartments within walking distance of work and a grocery store. I looked at the Bel Air and they had a two bedroom apartment, utilities paid for $350. It was real nice but not sure I could afford it. I am only looking at apartments where the heat is paid because our heating bill from last winter damn nearly did us under. I asked Jon Butler if he wanted to attend the Lesbian and Gay Student Union tonight but he didn't, so I walked on home after work. On the way I saw Beauchaine and his friend Todd in Liberty Park. They invited me to go with them out to dinner but I declined saying I had to get home. When I got there discovered that Fran still wasn't home. So I just did the dishes from this weekend, and made some phone calls. I called John Howell but he wasn't home, so I called Sister Howard to see if Mike was home and he wasn't either. I then decided to call Bob McIntier because I do need to make a point to call him once a week to fulfill my obligations as the church's Bishop Agent. We need to get back to the same feeling and spirit we had last May. I need to soften my heart and start allowing myself to be vulnerable again, even if the old magic does not come back again. Strange I thought I heard Killer meowing as I am writing this. How I miss my babies. I miss my wife. I heard again that sad Patty LeBelle's song "On My Own" and I started to weep. Fran is my best friend. But I don't know how to make this work and good for the both of us. I do love her as a friend, but I am Gay and I can no longer deny that part of me. It has bubbled to the surface and I could no more contain it then putting the fizz back into an opened soda pop can. I don't know how to help Fran understand this deep rooted part of my being and how I must express it or die emotionally, spiritually, and perhaps even physically. I am not choosing to stop being in love with Fran for I do not believe I truly ever was. Comfortable with her yes. Tender with her yes. Caring for her yes. Erotically desirous of her. No. Not ever. Yes I could go through the motions of making love, but it was always just a motion and a release. Her breasts, her vagina, were mostly nothing to me. I would see other men's eyes gazing at her large breast as we would walk in public, and wonder what they desired that I never did? Once I walked in on Fran and Fortino, a Mexican cook we worked with, kissing. I was a little hurt but never jealous. Fran deserves to have someone jealously in love with her. If I could I would have had no one else but Fran and she is the only woman I have ever had sex with and that was on my wedding night; but she and I both need romantic love too.  It makes me so sad that I can't be all things to all people. But I can't. I hate this house.

8 July 1989 Tuesday

I know that it’s insane but I am taking an apartment at the Juel Apartment, where Russ Lane lives. However, disregarding the fact that Russ lives there, it’s on 6th East just across from Utah Title's parking lot, its only $200 a month, steam heat is included, and it’s convenient to Safeway on 9th East and Smith's on 7th East. I walked all over looking at apartments during lunch again and then I just felt prompted to go during my afternoon break to talk to the managers of the Juel Apartments. They had a vacancy come open in the basement and said I could have it for a $50 deposit. It's a small one bedroom apartment but just up the hall from the building's laundry room! Russ Lane lives on the 2nd floor at the front of the building so it’s not like we are going to be crossing paths.

I like the feel of the place. The walls are painted beige, the carpet in coco brown and it just feels warm and cozy. But more than anything else I can afford it and save some money too. So why should I care if Russ Lane lives in the same building and we are sharing the same address again?

In the evening Fran and I went to a Gay Alcoholic Anonymous meeting on 1st South and 3rd East. A.A. is really different from O.A. but principles over personalities as they say. I do like O.A. better but since there's not a Gay one, given time, I should like A.A. also. It was a beautiful summer day, not too cool.

Additional Material 

Gay activist David Nelson introduced Human Rights Bill to the Salt Lake City Council that would prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation.. City attorney Roger Cutler expressed opposition to the bill labeling it a “Gay rights” initiative.

9 July 1989 Wednesday

At work, Canyon Anderson, a Title Loan Officer, came to me with a proposition. His father and he are considering buying out McGhie Title Company and he offered me the job of officer manager, the same job Bob Elcock holds here. I told him I would think about it but it would be sometime in the future. Still it was appreciated, that Canyon thinks so highly of me. Canyon has an identical twin brother. Guess what his name is? Bryce! Only in Utah. Canyon also told me that Bob is extremely disappointed in Russ' job performance and even if he didn't say so, of Russ' flaming around the office at times. Russ, Russ, Russ. I may love you but others don't. Get your act together at work! I put down my holding deposit on Apartment Number 3 at the Juel. At home Mark Lamar came over to show off the act he performing at Backstreet this Saturday and at Pride Day. He has a good singing voice and does campy drag. After belting out some show tunes, Fran, Mark, and I decided to go to Bob McIntier's from Family Home Evening. I haven't been in weeks and it was okay. Besides us only Ric Belnap and Morgan Smith showed up. We played some board games and visited. Nothing too dynamic. Mark was bored and kept yawning embarrassingly; I think more to show Bob what he thought about the little get together.

10 July 1986 Thursday

It’s been forty days since I began a spiritual introspective retreat and now that it’s over I wonder what was the point? So much has changed in my life during the past forty days. Above all my furry babies have been sent back to heaven from wince they came and I am in the process of a separation from my wife. I have found a new place to live and I feel emotionally good at this stage of my life. I went to First American Credit Union to try and get a consolidation loan of $4000 to pay off debt incurred recently by my wife. I pray I get it or it’s going to get rough financially. Today was the copy boys, Troy and Trent Holmberg's 17th birthday. Trent had the day off but poor Troy had to work so I bought him a hot fudge sundae for his birthday. He's such a cute little shit, kind of reminds me of my nephew James. I love his youthful cockiness and bantering. It’s been a beautiful summer day, not too hot or extreme. Fran is still working at Taylor Maid doing acyclic nails. She went back to working now that we are splitting up. But she may be working at the new ZCMI Mall in Sandy in August. She really doesn't want to drive that far and is struggling what to do with her life. She checked into going back to school at the U of U to get her Masters in Sociology but I think everything is pretty much up in the air.  have been moving clothes, books, and small boxes over to the Juel. It’s beginning to freak Fran out that this is really happening. I haven't heard from John Howell all week. I think that sweet fling is over and he's moved on. I can't blame him for not wanting to get involved with me with all the baggage I am carrying right now.

11 July 1986 Friday

Today Utah Title had its annual company picnic up at Solitude in Big Cottonwood Canyon. I went with Jon Butler, and Fran. I still can't figure out why Russ Lane didn't want to go when there was a free meal involved. It was a nice gathering and it's the first time I've eaten red meat in about three weeks. Not missing much. The meadows, aspens, and wild flowers were just spectacular. The mountains were absolutely gorgeous and it was pleasant getting out of the valley heat. Fran and I even saw Steve and Meg Madsen there with their kids. Steve was hired as a company lawyer on my recommendation. We didn't visit with them much and in fact Meg was rather giving us the cold shoulder as she and Steve were now involved with the “big wigs”. It made Fran angry and she decided to write her off as she did her friend Paulette Gasparac years ago. The three of us found a table with Peter Felves and Bob Jetters, who is Carol Kessler's brother. I am sure that they are Gay and probably lovers. Debbie Jacobsen from sales also joined our table and we all got pretty wild and created a ruckus I suppose. Dinner was catered by Red Flame and it was all pretty yummy. We stayed until twilight about 9 tonight then we walked about a half mile down to where the cars were parked. Debbie wanted Fran, Jon, and I to continue the party over at her place but we were way too tired and wanted to call it a day.

Additional Material

Antonio A. Feliz receives revelation, now HT&P 31 (likely verses 1-8), which touch on priesthood duties.

12 July 1986 Saturday

Pamela Calkins, Lynn LeMasters, Michelle Hopkins and Janice, Mark Bluto, John Crane, David Ewing, Eddie Muldong, and Tony Feliz all came in today from Southern California for Summer Conference and to meet with the Salt Lake City branch of the church. About half stayed with Fran and me and the other half with Bob McIntier in west Salt Lake City. I spent much of the day cleaning house, making beds, and making some cookies to sell at Pride Day tomorrow for Affirmation

Additional material- 

 Tabernacle is dedicated in Salt Lake City with prayer now HT&P 30 (1) and Endowment service is held.

"Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red is number one song on national charts

13 July 1986 Sunday

It was a busy fun day. Mark Bluto, Michelle Hopkins and Janice were up early to be over at Bob McIntier’s for an endowment session. So I got up with them and fixed them some breakfast but went then back to bed until seven-thirty. Jon Butler called at eight to ask where the Sacrament Meeting was going to be held. He was in Centerville, housesitting for his brother. I told him that it was at nine at Bob's house but that it might be a little late because of the early morning endowment sessions. He said he probably couldn't make it for that so I asked if he would swing by and take me to the Pride festival at Pioneer Park. He wasn't sure if he even was going to make that but Mark Blutto and the girls were back at the house by ten-thirty and they said they would take me over. I brought with me about thirty giant cookies I made yesterday. I called them "Whole Wheat Mormon Faggot Cookies" which I was selling at fifty cents apiece. I made $12 for Affirmation after two cookies were stolen by transients and I had given away four more. It turned out that I was the only one to have brought anything for the Affirmation Booth's Bake Sale. Russ Lane was already at the park by the time I arrived and he was in a tizzy because Affirmation's booth was in the direct sun without any cover. So I said let’s just move it to where you want it so we did, beneath a shade tree. There were suppose to police at the park during the fair but I didn't see any. I did see two transients steal cookies from me, an Indian chasing some other Indian with a knife, which Beauchaine intervened by taking the knife away so no one was seriously bothered. All in all, the transients kept to their side of the park and the faggots kept to our side of the park. Jon Butler showed up after all, just after Mark Lamar came dressed as Alice Foxx. When he saw me, this six foot three inch, former Marine slash drag queen comes running at me and just scooped me up into his arms. That was the most excitement I had all day! Later I asked Jon if he would run me home because no one thought to provide folding chairs and I didn't want to stand all afternoon. He complied and I brought back chairs and paper weights to hold down our pamphlets that were blowing in the wind. As we were leaving I spotted a car driving around the park with a photographer leaning out of the car taking pictures. We drove up next to them and yelled what the hell are you doing? And they sped off but not without us getting their car plate numbers. We are going to give them to Willy Marshall, who works as a dispatcher, to trace. It was kind of a fun day with nearly 200 people showing up. I recognized more people than I thought I would. The Libertarians had a booth with Bob Waldrop, Beauchaine had his food concession, Duane Dawson had set up for the Utah AIDS Project, Bob McIntier was holding down the Restoration Church Booth, Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon were at RMCC's table. There were some others but I didn't recognize what their organizations were. I talked with Mike Anderson who I had just met at Affirmation. He is dating Duane Dawson. He's really cute and friendly. I wonder how long he's been with Duane. I sat at the Affirmation booth for most of the afternoon while Russ Lane proselytized. However, when the Saliva Sisters, sponsored by Joe Redburn, performed I went to the makeshift stage to see them better. They were great! I laid out on a blanket with Eddie Muldong and Mike Howard listening to the campy girl group. A girl name Melanie, staff the booth with me until three when she had to leave and then Russ Lane came and joined me. It was hot in the park and at one point I left with Lon Wright and Jon Butler to go get some drinks. I bought Russ a soda and some California coolers for me which I poured into my bota bag. I guess after a bit I was getting pretty smashed having not eaten anything but a Faggot Cookie since morning. I asked Russ if he wanted a drink from my bota bag after he had finished his drink and he assumed that it was water in my bag. I on my part assumed that he knew that I had been pouring coolers into my bota bag but evidently he didn't and after the first mouthful he spit the wine out, and made such a fuss, I almost wanted to burst out laughing. What a wimp. Anyway I said I was sorry and thought he knew since I had told everyone else what was in the bag. Maybe if he would have paid me more attention he would have known also. Anyhow Mark Lamar and finally some other church members came to relieve Bob McIntier from his post at the RCJC booth. He had let it go to pot I think because he was upset that he was not included in all the revelatory digs going on at his house. Now perhaps he knows how the rest of us feel when the "Lord" is so exclusive on who is allowed into the inner sanctum circle. By late afternoon I was pretty smash and when the shindig was all over,  Jon Butler took my drunk butt home. Lon Wright had left the party early in a huff mad at Jon for not giving him enough attention. So ends my first Gay Pride day.

Additional Material: 

The Saliva Sisters are a campy novelty act parodying the Utah culture. Joe Redburn owner of the Sun Club gave them their first break booking them in his club and they in turn have been loyal to their Gay appreciative audience. 1986 was the first of many appearances at Gay Pride Day in Utah.

• Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park with Salt Lake Men’s Choir, Walt Larabee’s New Orleans’ Waylon and Madame performing. The event was sponsored by Cabaret Corp. Chair of Pride Day ‘86 was Beauchaine. Approximately 200 people attended Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park.  The Saliva Sisters were the head line act, their fee donated by Joe Redburn. Other performers were Julliard pianist Steve Oldroyd, entertainer Walt Larabee, singers Darrel Rojoit, and Ron Richardson. Joe Redburn spoke out about his troubles with the Salt Lake Police as selective enforcement, the unfair legal harassment of Gay people by the SL police Groups sponsoring booths were the Restoration Church, AIDS Project Utah, Affirmation, RMCC, the Triangle Magazine.  Richard “Ragnar” McCall, 27 year old local artist sold artwork. Run ins with transients resulted in a Gay man bringing charges against an intruder for threatening him with a knife. Richard McCall died 3 Oct 1994 age thirty-five in Salt Lake City of AIDS

14 July 1986 Monday

I got up at five-thirty to see Mark Bluto and the girls off. I don't feel well today maybe too much sun yesterday. I came home early from work to rest before going over to Liberty Park for the Lesbian and Gay Student Union's summer activity. There were about 15 guys there and we met at the volleyball nets north of the Park toilets. I saw Mike Anderson there again and he's so clever and smart mouthed but in a sophisticated Noel Coward way. I like him a lot. I saw Lyle Bradley, Jim Hunsaker, Graham Bell, and others from LGSU playing volleyball when Duane Dawson, who owned a convertible had a bunch of us pile in and he took us on a "Cruise the Park" Seminar. It was fun just being silly and probably a tad bit obnoxious. I guess Duane is a registered nurse and involved in the AIDS prevention community.

Additional Material-

Eric S. Berger died age 24 of AIDS. Born 5 February 1962 Salt Lake City. He loved music, philosophy, tennis, karate. He wrote and composed many beautiful songs. Was a volunteer for Utahns Against Hunger.

15 July 1986 Tuesday

I felt a little better today than yesterday but still feeling rather run down. I hope it's not a summer cold. They are the worse. If not for the herbs and vitamins I am choking down, I probably wouldn't be able to function at all. I worked nearly 12 hours today because I had to be at a Dynacomp meeting at 8:00 this morning. I made it but was late.  I was in the office until nearly 8 in the evening.

The bad news at work is that Robin Garlick, the mean title officer, may be coming back. I told Bob Elcock that Robin's coming back would be a mistake. After work I walked over to St. Marks Church on 1st South and 2nd East for a Gay Alcoholic Anonymous  meeting and I was exhausted. I sat between two guys who puffed cigarette smoke like industrial pollution and that pissed me off no end. Principles over personalities. A man at the meeting pitched that he had been diagnosed yesterday with AIDS and the doctors said that he would be dead within 6 months. This is the first time I have ever met someone who actually has the disease and not just someone testing positive for HIV. It didn't freak me out being in the same room with him but he did make me think about the mortality of life. Putting Toby and Sam to sleep sapped a lot of my vitality from my soul. When I finally came home around 9:30 tonight I told Fran that I'm making her the beneficiary of my estate and that I want to be cremated and my ashes spread somewhere where they might mingle with Sam and Toby. I don't know what is happening with Fran anymore. She has shut down towards me. I don't know if she will stay with me for a little while in the new place or strike out on her own.

Ah that is the question. How to live alone again, after nine years of being together. I think that it would be so much easier for us to make this break if Fran and I could work up some hate for each other but we don't. We love each other just not in love.

Additional Material-

Alan Jense Lovell died at the age of 36 of AIDS. He was born 16 April 1950 in American Fork

 Antonio A. Feliz receives revelation, now HT&P 31 (likely verses 9-20) that deal with sex work, chastity, and marriage.

16 July 1986 Wednesday

I am still feeling drugged out but better. Well I guess Robyn Garlick is definitely coming back to Utah Title and because I am powerless over people places and things I better learn to accept, turn my attitude around, and try to love Shauna Mayeda and her, the screeching harpies. I will pray for them. I went over to the Juel Apartment with Fran this evening to show her the place. She is still up in the air over what she will be doing. She's talking about getting a job working on pumping the Great Salt Lake into the west desert at $1000 a week. I sometimes wonder if Fran is not delusional. What a pipe dream. She is 41 years old, has a bad heel, is out of shape, and can't stand the heat. What she needs to do is find steady employment that simply pays more than $400 a month. I found out today that I was turned down by America First Credit Union for a consolidation loan because of bad credit and having filed bankruptcy back in 1980. Well I can't change that. My tongue is so swollen. That is how I can that I am sick. There are a lot of colds and a type of flu going around.

Additional Material-

Nineteen bicyclists rode into Salt Lake City as part of “Cycle For Life” an AIDS fund raising group. They were met by only a handful of reporters and the two state officials.  They’d asked to meet with Governor Norm Bangerter and Mayor Palmer de Paulis but they said they were busy elsewhere. The group of bicyclists are traveling the country in search of funds to help people with AIDS

17 July 1986 Thursday

When I went into work today, I first stopped and bought donuts for the recording and customer service departments. I miss Russ being where I can visit with him throughout the day but life goes on. At home watched some reruns on television before bringing some more kitchen items over to the Juel Apartments. The lights aren't turned on yet so after setting boxes down, I just sat on the floor in the darkness and cried. It seems so empty here. I miss Toby and Sam so much my heart just aches whenever I think about them. It’s almost unbearable. Also how am I going to live without my friend and companion, my wife? I drove back to Roberta Street where I found Fran and we laid in each other’s arms and wept. We sobbed for each other and for our lost furry babies. This is so very hard. I just want to hold them in my arms again.

Additional material-

Cory De Young claimed that Sun Club Owner, Joe Redburn, knew of the drug dealing by his employees at a meeting before the department of business regulations, The Salt Lake City Police department was seeking to revoke the Sun’s business license. The hearing was postponed indefinitely after city prosecutor Art Keesler suffered a heart attack.

18 July 1986 Friday

This morning was the first time Fran and I have been cross with each other during this transition. I think we fought because we are anxious about the unknown future. It still is not wonderful at work either. Bob Elcock hired a new guy named Troy Nichols who seems okay if kind of rough around the edges. He's young, 22 or 23 tops! Bob had me train him on the computers and he's all cocky and stuff but I kind of like him. At lunch I saw Lon Wright waiting for Jon Butler in the lobby and we said hi. I don't see things working out between the two of them because Lon is so possessive of Jon and in the Gay world, I think, that is the kiss of death for a relationship. Lon is just a slip of a guy, 5' 6' if that tall. Scrawny, balding, but has a killer full mustache. I haven't heard a word from John Howell since I had him over for dinner and I guess deep down I don't really expect to hear from him anymore. After work Jon Butler came with me over to see the apartment and we visited about his relationship with Lon before Fran came to pick me up. Jon said he's burning out working in customer service but thinks Russ is actually doing better. I went home to Roberta Street with Fran and we watched an episode of the Twilight Zone which was an excellent episode about redeeming people from hell. I need someone to rescue me. Afterwards Fran wanted to get out of the house so we escaped to the movies. We went to the Sandcastle in Bountiful and saw "Back to School" featuring Rodney Dangerfield. It was really cute and coincidently Alma Smith was at the movies with some Lesbian friends of his, Candace Steel, Nancy, and Shirley. Fran sat with them I sat with Alma. It was fun and cozy. Afterwards while visiting in the parking lot Fran discussed with the lesbians some feminist books she's been reading, like "Smart Women, Dumb Choices", and "Women Who Love Too Much." It was a fun evening I think for all of us. I heard from Jon Butler that the Metropolitan Community Church is leaving the First Unitarian Church on 13th East to move into their new church building on 6th East just up the street from Liberty Park. Yesterday Russ Lane said that Affirmation is definitely leaving Crossroads Urban Center and may be meeting at Beauchaine's cabaret and Gingerbread House for the rest of the month and August too.

19 July 1986 Saturday

Fran had to work at Taylor Maid this morning so I went to Liberty Park to lay out in the sun for two hours. It felt good. I then walked up to work on 4th South to put in a couple of hours worth of overtime. This evening Tony Fillman came with his pickup truck to help me move my twin bed, couch and loveseat, my dining room table and chairs, and the coffee and end tables to the Juel Apartment. I would have had to rent a truck without Tony's help. We got all the big items in two trips. If Tony hadn't been here to help, I don't know what I'd have done. I take back all the mean things I ever said about him. At the Juel Apartments, my place had all this old granny furniture in it and I asked the managers to have it all removed except for chest of drawers and old wooden stand they use to call a commode because a water basin was kept on the top and a chamber pot on the bottom. Otherwise, all the furniture in the apartment is mine. I bought it from Levitz on credit last March. Fran is keeping the washer and dryer, all the bedroom furniture, the oak rocker, and the knickknack stands. She really didn't want anything else. She is looking after Shannon's bird while she is on vacation so she won't be completely alone in the house. We slept together for probably the last time in the house on Roberta Street.  Fran acts like she is coping but I know this is killing her because it isn't easy on me either, and I am the one that is leaving. It feels like when we had to put Toby and Sam down. I just go through the motions to get through it without experiencing any feelings or emotions until later.

Additional Material-"Invisible Touch" by Genesis is number one song on national charts.

20 July 1986 Sunday

All morning I kept going back and forth between Roberta Street and 6th East bringing boxes of kitchen items and clothes. Finally at 2 in the afternoon I stopped long enough for Fran and I to go to Church at the Central City community center where we finally moved to from the Northwest Community Center. We had two new members attend, a lesbian couple by the names of Leanne Anderson and Carol Dee. Others in attendance were Bob McIntier, Mike Howard, Sy Felts from Provo, Morgan Smith, Ric Belnap, Russ Lane, Mark Lamar, Fran and me. I was released as a Bishop Agent today supposedly by revelation that Tony Feliz received, releasing all the Bishop Agents. That was easy since Eddie Muldong and I were the only ones. When the revelation was read, I objected saying that it should simply be put in the church archives as an administrative decision and not received as a divine revelation that should go into the Hidden Truths and Promises. That didn't go over well. After Sacrament meeting, Mark Lamar invited Fran and I over to his apartment for dinner. Later in the evening we all went to Affirmation at the Crossroads urban Center. The topic of the meeting was on couples and relationships. I saw Mike Anderson there again and I think I have a crush on him but alas he is in a relationship with Duane Dawson. Fran and I spent the night in the new apartment. She slept in the twin bed and I slept on the couch.

21 July 1986 Monday

I was just dragging all day because I didn't get to sleep until well after midnight. At work I asked Bob Elcock for Friday off and he said okay! Great! At my place I made some corn muffins because there's not much else in the house to eat. It's amazing that Russ Lane lives just up the stairs from me but he can't be bothered to come down and see my apartment. I walked up to Orson Spencer Hall on the U of U campus to attend the Lesbian and Gay Student Union in the evening. I am glad I did rather than sitting home and isolating. I saw Garth Snyder, Scott Mills, Duane Dawson, and Mike Anderson there. It was a good meeting and Garth gave me a ride home. Right now as I am writing in my journal and its after ten. I'm sitting in my new apartment watching the news. Fran decided to spend the night on Roberta Street so it’s our first night in separate households. Thus in such a very short time I am alone and on my own again. However I don't feel lonely because self-acceptance is essential for happiness. It's not that I don't really miss Fran but maybe it’s only the security of having someone you can rely on that I am missing. I wish she had the apartment next door. No I don't. I don't know what I want. It’s all a muddle. Fran first day of work at the ZCMI Mall in Sandy was today.

22 July 1986 Tuesday

At work Canyon Anderson confided in me that there's going to be a lot of changes and that Bob Elcock wants to fire Russ Lane, but Canyon wants him back down in examining documents. I let canyon know how unhappy I would be if they let Russ go without giving him a second chance. I must be nuts. Here I am still defending Russ and he could care less about me. I am starting to really like Troy Nichols. He's a cool dude.

23 July 1986 Wednesday

After work, I moved more things into my apartment that Fran wanted out of the house. I heard from Jon Butler that he's going to Oregon over the Pioneer Day Holiday. All that is in the news is the royal wedding between Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.

.24 July 1986 Thursday

Since it was Pioneer Day, I spent most of the day at Liberty Park where the Neighborhood Fair was being held. Wanda and Tony Fillman came over to Roberta Street to help clean the carpets so we can get our security deposit back. Wanda wanted to go to the park to hear the music but Fran and Tony just wanted to stay at the house so I went with Wanda. There I saw Walt Larabee and Garth Snyder. I also saw Mike Howard and we hugged. As we were walking along the main concourse through the park, this blond mop hair kid I've seen at Affirmation a few times, stopped on his mountain bike, when he saw me. He looked so damn sexy wearing cut off blue jeans up nearly to his crotch. He had long muscular but lean legs and a smile that would melt butter. I was surprised that he wanted to talk to me and I was really flattered. He said that he appreciated what I say at Affirmation and he said that he had an art exhibit up at Park City coming up in August. He wanted me to come to see it but without a car, I doubt if I'll be able to make it. When he rode off he turned back and flashed me a golden smile and I felt rather disappointed to see him ride off. He's so damn cute.  I forgot to ask his name. Mike Howard said name of the boy on the bike's with the dazzling smile is Billy. Wanda wanted to go back to the house so I walked with her to Roberta Street then I came back to the park. I hooked up with Walt, Garth and Mike, and found a spot near the duck pond to watch the fireworks. As it turned out we were nearly right beneath where they were being set off and cinders and shrapnel rained back on us. It was like being in a war zone and I think some gal was hit in the leg. Nevertheless, it was beautiful spectacular display and it was a pleasant night. After the fireworks, the crowd dispersed and I walked home to my apartment up 6th East.  I just I barely reached the apartment when it started to lightning, thunder and rain.

25 July 1986 Friday

I spent much of the morning cleaning and putting things away in my new apartment. In the front room there is a large closet with glass French doors with dark wood. I hung beige lacy floor length curtains there and over the single window in the front room. Even though it’s a basement apartment, the window is about two feet above the outside ground so I get plenty of light. Thet microwave and its stand just barely fits in the small kitchen. But there's a window over the sink. I had to put the dining table in a corner of the front room and the two camel back couches face each other with end tables and a coffee table in the middle. I put my television on the commode stand and placed it by the window. It’s closed quarters but cozy. I went into work for a few hours even though I had asked for the day off. It rained a lot today and when I was done at work I went over to Roberta Street to help Fran clean. However, she must have been listening to the Suazos, or drinking, because she was very angry and rude and on the rag so much so that I didn't want to stay and listen to that. Consequently I walked back home. On an impulse I stopped by John Howells and he was home. He asked me in and we visited for a little bit. We made a date for next Saturday. Let's see if he keeps it. In the news Liza Minnelli’s father Vicent Minnelli who a musical film director and once married to Judy Garland died.

Additional Material

Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now verses 9-15 of HT&P 32, specifying that he and John R. Crane are special witnesses who are to use spiritual gifts but not fall to pride.

26 July 1986 Saturday

I’m just tired even thinking about all that had to be done today at Roberta Street. I walked over there again this morning to help Fran with the cleaning and packing. The place is a mess with her not having cleaned or picked up after herself for days. It's so overwhelming and I must say I was frustrated and discouraged. After packing boxes and taking apart beds and mattresses in the afternoon. we found her a storage unit for her stuff because she hasn't decided where she's going to stay. I was hoping she would have found a place by now. What is going to happen to her? I guess it’s not my business anymore just my controlling nature but its driving me nuts. After taking care of her for nine years it’s hard not to worry. In the evening Tony and Wanda Fillman showed up with the pickup and we took the washer and dryer, the bed and as much as we could over to the storage shed. It had been raining off and on all day but luckily it had stopped raining for the move. On the way over Tony and I talked about why Fran and I were separating. I have known Tony since 1977 when he was 15 years old and Fran knew him since he was a baby. I think it was good for him to hear the reasons why even if hard for him to understand. We didn't get the house cleaned and emptied until after eleven-thirty at night so we were all good and tired. Especially Tony since he had to work today. I must say Tony really came through for us on this one like no other. I figured up my monthly bills today and it was so depressing. I owe over $870 a month including rent but without money for food and utilities. I barely bring home $1000 a month. Fran is going to have to help out with these bills. Because she no longer had a bed, Fran spent the night at my apartment. I slept on the couch.

Additional Material- Sheldon Spears age 34 died of AIDS.  Spears was the first person to discuss his condition publicly in Utah. He appeared on the cover of USA today, was a guest on Take Two on KUTV and gave interviews on a number of radio talk shows.  He taught classes at the U of U and served in the navy where he was decorated for meritorious service. Sheldon “Winky” Constantine Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Born 5 August 1951 in San Francisco, California. Graduated from Skyline High School. Employed by University of Utah. He helped found the Utah AIDS Project. He was survived by special friend Barney M. Jacobs. (11 Mar 1954 to 25 May 1991)

27 July 1986 Sunday

Fran and I went back over to Roberta Street to clean out the basement. I really hate that house and the feelings there. It was overpriced, under insulated, and the last place on earth I had my dogs. It was also the place where the first branch of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ  Church was organized. It was where I made love to Russ Lane, and where I discovered my true identity. We didn't make it to the Restoration Church today so we went to the 5 o'clock meeting of the Metropolitan Community Church. I know most of the people there now and am feeling more comfortable attending even though I won't take communion there. The high protestant ceremony makes me realize all the more the need for a Sacrament meeting for Gays with an LDS background. This is MCC's last meeting in the Unitarian Church. In August they will be moving into their new building on 6th East. Mike Anderson was at church and he asked Fran and I for a ride down to the Crossroads Urban Center for Affirmation. Outside of the church, I encountered Jon Butler who had just returned from Oregon. It was really good to see him again. I really missed him. Fran didn't want to attend Affirmation so after dropping her off at the apartment I went on with Jon and Mike. Tonight's meeting was a business meeting and we voted on moving to the Unitarian Church since MCC was vacating it. The rent is $50 a month to be there but $84 was committed by just the few that were at the meeting. It was a good meeting and Russ Lane got a lot of positive strokes for his leadership which he does deserve. I sat with Mark Lamar and Jon Butler through the entire meeting and afterwards was surprised to see Fran outside waiting for us. We were all standing around visiting, when eventually Billy, the beautiful boy on the bike in the park came and joined us. I had invited Jon and Mark home for dinner and Fran turns to Billy and asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed eager to join us so much so that I felt guilty not asking him in the first place but it was my own insecurities that kept me from asking. Certainly anyone that good looking wouldn't want to be with me. It was a late meal and my first dinner party in my new place. It was good to have people over visiting and have a great time except Mark and Billy seemed to have some tension. I think Mark had done something silly like goose him once at an Affirmation meeting and Billy didn't appreciate it. Fran is starting her new job tomorrow so Jon and Mark left about 11:30 and Fran went to bed at midnight. I learned that Billy’s last name is Bikowski and he said he needed someone to talk to so we ended up talking until three-thirty in the morning. He said he needed to talk some things out and I needed to get to know him. He seems so repressed and stressed out but he will be okay. I tried to give him some wiser and older big brother advice and I gave him a massage to loosen up his tense body. He ended up falling to sleep on the floor beside the couch and I fell asleep on the couch gazing at this golden boy as I drifted off to sleep. I wanted him to take the couch but he wouldn't.

Additional Material- "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel is number one song on national charts

• Mark Fisher age 33 died of AIDS .

•  Antonio A. Feliz reveals what is now verses 6-8 of HT&P 32 to the public for the first time.  John R. Crane and Antonio A. Feliz receive revelations, now HT&P 33, which says that people are either full of God’s light or reflect it from others, and invites everyone – especially LGBTQ people – to come closer to Christ by living with love, unity, and spiritual purpose. : After members received HT&P 33, John R. Crane says that Feliz will be the church’s Moses if they would sustain him as such. He also declared that there was a male and female angel watching the service they were having. President David Ewing, Presiding High Priest for the Central Los Angeles area, led the congregation as they arose and sustained President Feliz as President of the Church and the Lord’s Mouthpiece to this people and sustained President Crane as the Lord’s Second Witness. 

28 July 1986 Monday

I am so tired after being up so late with Billy. I threw myself into the shower hoping to wake up. Fran got off to work okay, I suppose. I didn't hear her leave. Billy left when I finished my shower.

I dragged my butt all day at work and only because of what they did to Russ Lane today that  I did not remain comatose. Bob Elcock brought Russ down from customer service and put him in recording. Not only was it kind of a demotion, I think Bob put him there so Gena would fire him. However Gena who likes my butt assured me that she wants Russ to succeed because as she says, Russ is her ticket out of recording. This really is Russ' last chance at Utah Title and I bet anything Ed Rogers, the co-owner, knew who attended his company picnic and who did not. I hope Russ has the sense to dig in and make something of this opportunity. At lunch I came home and took a nap. That helped some. Fran came up to work after she got off at 6 this evening and said she likes everyone where she works and thinks it’s going to be good for her. That's wonderful.

We then went over to my place and I fixed her some dinner and at 7 she and I left the apartment. I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union’s  BBQ at Liberty Park, not to eat, but to socialize while Fran said she wanted to go back to Roberta street to get some stuff done there. I have no idea what is left to do. At Liberty Park I talked with Scott Mills mostly about Utah Title. He works in the home loan department for American Savings and Loans and he said that Canyon Anderson and Steve Bundy had given him such a hard time over some title search that Scott won't give Utah Title any of his business. This is useful information. I saw Mark Lamar at the park and he and I were the only ones not really connected with LGSU. There were a lot of new young guys that I didn't know but we played volleyball for a while and had fun but not as much as usual. The new guys were either standoffish or shy. I was still tired from staying up too late last night so Mark and I left before the party was over. We walked up 6th East to 4th South where I sat with Mark until his bus came. I told Mark I feel like I am involved with six people. Fran is my best friend, Mark Lamar is my sounding board, Jon Butler is my emotional support, I am connected to Russ Lane spiritually, Mike Anderson flirtatiously, and John Howell sexually. All of these people are meeting a need of mine right now and I hope I am meeting some of theirs.

Additional Material 

 John R. Crane receives revelation, now HT&P 34, which comforts John in his anxieties and teaches that all leaders in God’s kingdom are to lead with humility, love, and the example of Christ, not by domination or worldly authority. It emphasizes that true leadership reflects divine light, honors agency, and prepares a people to live by God’s law in anticipation of Christ’s return. 

29 July 1986 Tuesday

Troy Nichols, the scamp, came over to the apartment today for lunch. We are becoming friends. He asked me if I was a "screamer”, his funny way of saying Gay. I said yes, is that a problem? He said that's cool but I'm not. I told him he was too dorky to be Gay. Anyway after work I went straight home to bed and finally got some rest. I have no idea where Fran is spending her nights. There's no furniture anymore at Roberta Street.

30 July 1986 Wednesday

This morning Bob Elcock cornered me and asked if Associated Title had offered me a job yet. I was real evasive and answered all his questions with a question. However I did say while I was happy at Utah Title that shouldn't preclude me from exploring what opportunities are out there. He didn't know what to think and I think I handled him very well. So he's heard from someone that Associated Title wants to talk to me. It’s the first I heard of it. After Bob left I went to Ed Rodgers office and told him how I am trying to bring business to the company through connections I have with Jim Pincock and Scott Mills. Ed was very enthusiastic and said to call the marketing people and tell them to take Jim and Scott out to lunch. I also mentioned that sending a couple boxes of chocolates to their offices would let them know we appreciate their business and Ed jumped on that idea and said let's do it. Well I made a hit with Ed Rodgers which I need to do since the office gossip is going wild about me being Gay and leaving my wife. I need to insulate myself from being an easy target so if anyone says that the Gays in the office are driving away business I can respond that it was the straights that did that and it was the Gays who brought it back. Troy Holmberg, one of the copy boys, just loves my butt. He's always finding a way to visit with me. Anyone who is intelligent like, Markelle Bolding, the teenage girl I worked with at the University of California at Irvine, likes me. I give them things to think about and encourage them to be different. Russ is driving me nuts at work. I'm so irritated with him but still he manages to arouse me. Sometimes when he's talking to me and I look at him, I start to get a hard on. What is there still about Russ that he can do that to me? Later Russ came and wanted to tell me about his latest boyfriend. He said he's been dating this guy named Barton. I wanted to say that one fuck does not a relationship make but I bit my tongue. I left work at 5 in the late afternoon and Jon Butler gave me a ride to Roberta Street to help Fran remove her remaining possessions over to the storage unit before it closed at 7. Lionel and Linda Suazo, parents of Tony, were there and had cleaned the carpet good with a rental machine. They came through for Fran but I think they would like to kill me. There really wasn't anything for me to do so I said tomorrow I will mop floors and other last minute cleaning and then we will be through. Jon took me back to my place and stayed while I fixed him some dinner. We talked about old loves and I told him about John Cunningham my first love and first heart break for most of the evening. When he left I did manage to get a hold of John Howell and confirmed our date for this coming Saturday. Russ made me horny.

Additional Material-

AIDS IS NOW MAJOR EPIDEMIC IN UATH DR. KRISTEN RIES INFORMS 52 ROTARY CLUB AIDS is indeed a major epidemic in Utah said a physician who had a patient die Saturday (Sheldon Spears), only to diagnose a new case Monday.  Dr. Kristen Ries an infectious disease specialist told members of the Rotary Club of Salt Lake that 40 cases reported in Utah represent only a fraction of potential cases.  About 400 Utahns have been found to have AIDS anti-bodies but they are only carriers and display no symptoms. State Epidemiologist Craig Nichols estimated there are at least 2,000 more who have no reason to suspect they have AIDS but who are also infected. Dr. Ries estimated thirty per cent of those who have been infected will never become ill but can still spread the disease to others.  Beyond the 40 identified patients are the many more AIDS patients who have come home for care after being diagnosed elsewhere she explained that care in these cases is treatment for illness which healthy people could fight but AIDS patients cannot survive.  Kaposa Sarcoma is a cancerous condition of the blood vessels which causes purple spots on the skin.  This is an epidemic which is not going away she added urging that members of the community learn to avoid the kinds of contact which can lead to transmission. “All the patients I have seen are people who never thought they were going to get it,” she said. Among them are two Utah women who are carrying the anti-bodies but who don’t have AIDS.  Both are married to bisexual men but did not know the men were bisexual. (SLTribune B3)

AUGUST 1986

1 August 1986 Friday

In two more weeks, I will have been in Utah again for an entire year. In the sixth months since February by life has done a complete topsy turvy reversal. The major, MAJOR, change is that my darling wife and I are separated. I haven't heard a word from Fran but I guess she is in Levan with Linda and Lionel Suazo. My furry babies, Sam and Toby, my joy and my delight are now gone as are my cats. I am living now at 340 South 6th East Apartment 3, Salt lake City, Utah 84102 by myself in a one bedroom flat across the street from where I work at Utah Title. Russel Lane is living just upstairs in the same building but it might as well be in different parts of the city. He never asks me to do anything with him and I suppose I don't care as much either. I have left the LDS Church for the Restoration Church although I am not so active in it anymore either. I had a date with John Howell for tomorrow but when I called him to confirm he said something came up and he needed to cancel. It can't get much plainer then that. Well, this only makes me realize that it’s over between the two of us. I first met him a year ago in Liberty Park where he picked me up and asked me to go home with him. He was sweet and sexy and romantic and really knew how to use his Crisco. I guess I was a good fuck but not boyfriend material. It’s just as well. He's so into poppers, drugs, and alcohol and I simply am not. Good sex is the drug of my choice. I don't need all that other garbage to know how to have a good time. Jon Butler is probably my closest friend right now and we seem to be drifting apart as I am drifting further away from a belief in Mormonism. Mark Lamar my drag queen friend has been a great sounding board. He's very kind, patient and nonjudgmental. After scrubbing my tiny apartment spic and span I felt like I needed to get out. Since Fran took the car as part of our separation agreement, I either walk or stay home these days so I went for a walk. I walked to downtown and it was nice summer evening, not too warm or cool. I just needed to get out because I was a little sad about John Howell canceling our date. Maybe feeling old and rejected.I need to get a phone installed in my apartment so as not to feel so isolated. I am having my phone account transferred to my new place but I am getting a new number 355-0840. I bought some houseplants today to liven up the place, a beautiful fern and a Golden Pothos. I had to walk home carrying them from 7th East. My place is cute and cozy but so what. I'd give anything to have Sam at my side and Toby nestled between my legs and Fran watching television with me but I also know I can go back to living a lie. While downtown I picked up a copy of the Triangle Magazine from Radio City Tavern. I really enjoy reading the articles and finding out what is going on in Salt Lake's Gay community. That and Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL keep me sane sometimes. I stayed up way too late until 2:30 reading through the Triangle. I saw Duane Dawson on KSL taking about the AIDS project he runs.

Additional Material-

Duane Dawson was interviewed on KSL TV Channel 5 about his work with AIDS PROJECT UTAH Dawson stated: “I think we’ve built up rapport with the medical community to the point that all newly diagnosed patients are referred to us. So we must be doing something right.”

2 August 1986 Saturday

It was such a busy day and I am very tired as I am writing this. I am bone tired. I walked at least 3 miles today in about 101 degrees heat. Hot, Hot August day. I dropped four shirts off at the dry cleaners; straighten up the kitchen, and the front room. I then walked downtown and bought a color television antenna so I am getting pretty good reception in my basement apartment. I walked down 600 East  towards Liberty Park  and saw a cleanup and paint party for the Metropolitan Community Church’s new church building. I also then walked to Deseret Industries on State and 7th South to pick up some more kitchen utensils. My bedroom is still a wreck, wondering where I am going to put everything. My room is small but the closet, while not deep, runs the whole length of the room. In the late afternoon I took the bus up to the U of U and went to the HPER Building to weigh myself and sit in the sauna. I weighed in at 195 pounds now and finally under 200! All this walking is paying off. The student sauna has a glass door that faces the men's showers so the view is pretty fucking great while sweating out the old pores. Some of the guys know you are watching and put on a great soapy show. At home just sat at my coffee table on the floor, watched television, and wrote in my journal.

Additional Material-

Roy Cohn, self loathing homosexual American lawyer and anti-Communist best known as Butt boy for Joseph McCarthy died of AIDS (1927-1986) Roy Cohn was Senator Joseph McCarthy’s chief counsel during the witch hunt for communists and Gays in the government in the 1950’s.

• "Glory Of Love" by Peter Cetera is number one song on national charts.

3 August 1986 Sunday

I am really on the pity pot today and am missing Fran immensely. I bought stamps to mail off my bills I paid today. I have a grand total of $11 to live on until next payday. At least I have a roof over my head. I walked to Smith's Food King on 8th South and 9th East to buy the stamps and they still have some of the cutest people shopping there. It’s a cruise fest. Leaving Smith's, I walked over to Liberty Park where I laid out in the sun. This super cute guy was there cruising for sex but I'm not interested in one night stands right now so I just read the Sunday paper until it was time for church at the Central City Multipurpose Center. I walked passed the Metropolitan Community Church to 5th South and 3rd East for Sacrament Meeting which was special because Carole Dee was ordained a priest in the Aaronic Priesthood. I stood in the circle of Elders who were conferring the priesthood upon her. Her lover Leanne Anderson was ordained an Elder in the Melchizedek Priesthood last week in California. My priesthood lineage came through my friend Stephen Madsen. It goes from Steve Madsen to N. Eldon Tanner to David O. McKay to Joseph F. Smith to Brigham Young to Joseph Smith. So there's six degrees of separation between me and Joseph Smith. I don't know Carol and Leann well but seem to be really sweet ladies. Gordon Jones who I haven't seen since May was at Church with his leather man boyfriend Jim. Craig Hunter was also at church and I hadn't seen him in a while also. We voted on moving to the Unitarian Church on 13th East as soon as Bob McIntier can make the arrangements. I voted in the negative because Bob didn't let us discuss it before voting on it. I strongly feel we must keep the Law of Common Consent active in the church whether or not the High Priest Quorum would rather us just affirm. I left that nonsense behind with the LDS Church. Russ Lane wasn't at church today but Mark Lamar was. He says he's in love now with Jim Pincock, this guy from Affirmation but Jim told me last Thursday that he wasn't in love with Mark. In fact, Jim wants to date me. Anyway, after church I walked down to Roberta Street to see if there was any mail. The post office still hasn't forward the mail to my new address so there was some mail there. As I was cutting through Liberty park because I decided to attend church at the Metropolitan Community Church, Alma Smith drove by and gave me a ride. Today was the Metropolitan Community Church's first meeting in their new location on 6th East. There was a sweet spirit in the place and I sat next to Lon Wright and his friends LeGrand and Lloyd. As people were filing in I saw Russ Lane and he went and sat next to Richard Morris without even a nod in my direction. Why doesn't he ever acknowledge me with even a smile after all we have been through? Well it’s obvious he just doesn't care. Mike Anderson, the cutie, was at church with his Mom! I was fine during most of the church service with Reverend Bruce Barton waving hankies and being very Holy Roller. I was just kind of hot and tired, but when the service was over and Russ left he turned and kissed Richard goodbye which panged my heart. Russ never ever did that to me. Then I noticed that he was leaving with Mike Anderson, and I was bummed out beyond words so I just left rather than stay for the refreshments. As I was walking home up 600 East actually kind of dragging, Mike and Russ drove on right by me and waved! I was so fucking hurt! Why didn't they stop and give me a lift? After all the rides I have given Russ when I had transportation and I had even given Mike a ride last Sunday. I was really disappointed and hurt by their thoughtlessness and I thought what cold unfeeling bastards Mormons are. I went home and flopped on my sofa and cried. I felt so rejected and dejected. After getting that out of my system I decided to just get off the pity pot and go to Affirmation's Pot Luck. The first of the month is always pot luck so I threw some cheese enchiladas together and walked over to the Crossroads Urban Center with them. I greeted everyone and was a social butterfly but snubbed Russ and Mike even though they acted like they were so glad to see me. I'm done trying to please them. At Affirmation there were about 20 people, which was a little smaller than other pot lucks we have held. But then there were plenty of food to go around. I sat, talked, and ate mostly with Jon Butler, Mike Howard, his friend Mike Pipkin, and Mark Lamar. When Jon went to leave, I walked out with him and told him how Mike Anderson and Russ brushed me off coming home from the Metropolitan Community Church and I started weeping again. I swear I am hormonal. I am missing my wife, missing my dogs, and only Jon knows how much I walked away from to come out of the closet. I told him I was feeling so alone and Jon was sweet to me. He held me and let me work my emotions out. I felt so much better having had Jon's shoulder to sob on, so when he left, I went back inside Crossroads where the meeting was mostly broken up by now. I gathered up my dishes and sweet thoughtful Alma Smith again offered me a ride home. There are some really sweet people out there who do care about me. I invited Al Smith into my apartment and he wanted my recipe for the Whole Wheat Mormon Faggot Cookies I sold at Pride Day. We also visited some and I got to know him better. I guess he was one of the original founders of Affirmation with John Cooper back in the early 1980's. Well after Al left, I was finishing up my journal and was about to go to bed there's this knock on the door at 11:00 at night.  I was surprised to see beautiful Billy Bikowski standing in my hallway. He asked if he could come in because he had had a really rough day and needed a back rub. I must admit I was excited and flattered to see him again so I invited him in and told him to lay on the floor and I would massage his back. More than anything Billy just needed someone to talk with and receive some comfort contact after a terrible weekend. The Park City Art Festival was this weekend and he said he had to set up and tear down his booth all by himself. More upsetting was the fact that he was arrested at work for not paying his speeding tickets. He was mortified to be taken out in handcuffs in front of the other employees at Granite Mill even though his boss posted his bail. This more than anything else had stressed him out to the max and he just needed someone to hold him, which I did. He then said that he had all this lumber in the back of the company truck and had to get it back to the mill before tomorrow but he was mental exhausted as well as being physically tired. But I said, "Billy let's just go do it and get it over with," so I went with this golden boy out into the night for a queer adventure. It seemed that one thing after another was going wrong. The truck was on empty and we had to find a station that was open that would accept the Granite Mill Credit Card because Billy had no money on him. It was just a series of events like that that was making for a stressful night. And each time an obstacle would pop up to prevent us from achieving our initial goal of getting the truck uploaded Billy would say, "Oh No!" So, I started calling him the "Oh No" boy because if we didn't laugh we would have been crying. Anyway, I helped him unload the truck at Granite Mills on North Temple and he invited me in to see some of his work. I immediately discovered that my "Oh No" boy was an incredible artist. He showed me a mantelpiece he was carving that was a cornucopia of fruit, grains, and vegetables. He laughed as he told me how he would search for hours through the produce department to find the perfect ear of corn or pineapple to use as a model. The mantel was absolutely beautiful. Anyway, it was nearly 1 in the morning before we returned to my apartment. There I lay on the floor with Billy and gave him another massage. He was so tired that he fell asleep curled up on the floor under my dining room table. I went to my bed and tried to sleep but kept thinking of the beautiful man sleeping in my front room which stirred my passions. 

4 August 1989 Monday

Finally, about 5 in the morning I got up went into the front room and laid down beside Billy on the floor. He was so lean and handsome, and I held him in my arms. I rested my head on his shoulders and drank in his musky manly smell. I drank deep his warm aroma intoxicating my senses, and I began to gently massage his neck and back as he stirred a little. The room was heavy with the perfume of the erotic scents of maleness. I found myself so attracted to this golden boy that I undid his cutoff shorts and pulled them down. He did not resist and his member was swollen stiff and rock hard. I was taken aback by how beautiful he was and how large his balls were. Truly the size of an orange. They were round, firm and lightly dappled with blond pubes. I had to have him inside me so I placed my lips over his huge cock and suckled it until he came. He was very virile and potent and after he was spent fell back to sleep. I just continued to hold him and rhetorically asked, "why are you here?" Everything about Billy thrilled my senses, his musky smell, his firm body, his salty cum. I said a prayer to my heavenly Father for sending me this beautiful man when I was feeling pretty low and rejected. When Billy woke up we talked a little about what happened between us. Billy said that he thought it would be a good idea if we get to know each other better before we become that intimate again. I thought that was probably wise and I don't want to freak Billy out. I want him to feel comfortable being with me and coming over here, so I can wait. He's worth waiting for. I was tired most of the day from lack of sleep and four new people started work today, almost all from Associated Title, and I was responsible to train them. I know they thought I was incoherent. I came to the realization today that I do not believe that Tony Feliz is a prophet. I need to get all Mormon oppression off my back if I truly want to be free to let the Spirit direct me homeward. I just realized that it’s been almost six months to the day that I began my coming out process. I am shedding layers and layers of baggage that I no longer am willing to tote.

Additional Material

 Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 35. This revelation reaffirms that temple worship, particularly proxy ordinances like baptisms for the dead, must be done within a divinely authorized structure, while washings, anointings, and endowments can be done elsewhere. It calls for holiness, spiritual unity, and strict adherence to prior revelation. Leaders are urged to meditate on God’s word, remain unified, fulfill their callings, and evangelize. The Lord warns against prayerlessness, disobedience, and disorder, but promises blessings, angelic help, and further light to the faithful.

5 August 1986 Tuesday

It was a very busy day at work with lots of orders having to go out immediately. I do the general index search on the computer and I am damn good at it because I catch nearly everything because I know most variations of any given name. Take the name Margaret for instance. You must search for Maggie, Margie, Margo, Greta, Margarita, Rita, Meg, Peg, and Peggy just to name a few. During lunch I came home and made some fruit tarts for Trent and Troy Holmberg, the copy boys who are leaving. I am really going to miss their exuberance, especially Troy. He's witty, clever, sharp, and did I mention cute? More than anything he's just a really good kid and Russ Lane just can't keep his hands off him. Russ is so immature at times and I do believe jealous of the attention Troy pays to me but that's because I like him as a person and not just a penis. The other Troy, Troy Nichols is also becoming flirtatious with me and he's straight. What gives? If Russ just wouldn't go overboard on everything, others perhaps would feel comfortable to joke with him and tease too. I worked until 7 this evening and Jon Butler asked me over for dinner at Lon Wright's place. It was a nice visit and Lon fixed summer squash and rice. We stayed and talked until nearly 11 at night before leaving. I think Lon didn't know that Jon had invited me along and had really wanted to be alone with him. I wonder if Jon invited me so that he wouldn't have to be. Lon said he heard Duane Dawson resigned for the AIDS Project Utah resigned and a guy named Richard Cochran is the new director. Interesting because Lon said Cochran was a person has AIDS and supposedly the first person with AIDS to be a director of an AIDS service organization nationally. It was a hot summer day today and I am grateful for my basement apartment which is relatively cool with just a small box fan going at night.

Additional Material-Three former employees of the Sun Tavern and two others filed a slander suit for $2 million against SLC, Art Keesler, and Cory De Young.  Howard Johnson represented the plaintiffs. Judge Dennis Frederick dismissed the lawsuit claiming that the statements of Cory De Young published in the August issue of the Triangle were true and not defamatory.

6 August 1986 Wednesday

Work was slow today compared to yesterday and at one-thirty I took a break to go out to lunch with Jon Butler, Pam from the Marketing department, and Jim Pincock. We took Jim to lunch at Tijuana Tillies at Fashion Place Mall to solicit more business from Jim's Home Loan department. We had a good time and Jim said he'd definitely be sending more business our way. Chalk one up for the Gays. Back at work I met Trent and Troy Holmberg's parents who came in for the going away party they were getting from the company. They are really nice people and I can see why their kids are so great. After work I came home to the apartment and tried to clean the bedroom some that is still a wreck with unpacked boxes and clutter. There is so much to go through and throw out still. Anything remotely reminding me of having been a Mormon I trash right away. At 7:30 I went over to Jim Pincock's Condo on 6th South to go swimming and while there a lightning and thunder storm rolled across the valley. It was a great summer electrical show. Jim is a sweet man and I think is interested in me. He's coming over this Saturday for dinner and for me to help explain some title stuff about his Condo Title insurance. I am missing Fran tonight and at times it feels like she is just on one of her trips and will be coming home soon. After I came home from my date with Jim Pincock, I was surprised when Billy Bikowski came over about midnight. He said he left his watch here from last Sunday and it was under the loveseat sofa. We sat and visited and I fixed him something to eat because he said he hadn't eaten all day. I just enjoy looking at him and like fussing over him and having him stay here but I don't know how he really feels about me. He is so handsome. I know he feels comfortable being around me but we were not intimate at all, as I am not willing to initiate it and drive him away. While visiting he said he needed some advice about a relationship he is sort of in with a kid named Scott Wallendorf. He said he's trying to break up with him because he met this new kid named Mike Burton who is a wood carver like he is. He thinks Mike and he would have a great deal in common. I'm pleased that Bill thinks enough of me to seek out my advice but it’s also hard hearing him go on and on about Scott and Mike when I am developing feelings for him too. Billy ended up spending the night here sleeping on the floor in front of the fan and I went to my own bed. Why does life have to be so complicated?

7 August 1986 Thursday

I have been tired most of the day because of Billy Bikowski coming over so late and spending the night. Today I was taken to lunch with Scott Mills and Darla, his supervisor, by our marketing department. We went to the Edge Restaurant, across from the Cottonwood Mall. It was good but nothing fantastic. However it was fun being away from the office and getting to know Scott better.

Back at work Gena sent Lori over to my cubicle to find out whether I was the "pokee" or "suckee". I told her I was neither that I was the "celibatee"! ha! When I told Russ what Gena had asked Lori to find out my sexual preference, he said I should have told them that the correct terminology was French Active, the sucker, French Passive, the suckee, or Greek Active, the poker, and Greek Passive the pokee. It was all funny to me. Evidently the terms come from the French's predilection for oral sex and the Greeks for anal sex. In the evening, I had made plans to take my apartment manager, Edna Brown, to the LDS genealogy library, but she had to cancel because she said she had the shingles. So does Paul Brown, the repressed LDS hunk, who works as a title examiner. He's always spouting off about Mormon this and that and how Jesus Christ is a vengeful militia type deity. I tell him he's full of bullshit. How can someone so incredibly handsome be so incredibly naive? Anyway, they say that Shingles are not contagious, just brought about by stress. Paul is a walking bundle of stress. So, I just stayed home and tried packing away my bedroom again. It's such a mess. I didn't get much put away.

8 August 1986 Friday

Today was Troy and Trent Holmberg's last day. I am really going to miss those boys. I had to leave work at 2 this afternoon for a dentist appointment so I said my goodbyes to them then. I didn't want to get real sentimental. I went to Dr. Russon's office on State Street and 3rd South and had x-rays taken, a check up, and my teeth cleaned. The doctor said that I had three cavities which is amazing since I haven't been to a dentist since 1980 when I had some wisdom teeth yanked. After leaving the dentist I walked over to the Phone Center to make arrangements to have my phone hooked up in my new apartment. I then walked back to 7th East and 6th South to the $3 barbers to get a haircut and beard trim. I dropped in at work on the way home and found this note that Troy Holmberg had left me: It read: "BEN Thanks for letting me borrow your clock. Thanks for all the things you did for us. You are a great friend as well as a great cook- typical of a banana person. Keep in touch. P.S. Don't go crazy okay? Your friend Troy". The note made reference to a personality test I had given people at work based on the type of fruit they like to eat. I am a banana person as is Troy. I came home and read some from T.S. Elliott's poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which I learned at Cypress College so long ago. It so meaningful about being only known by a word.  "And I have known the eyes already, known them all, The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin, To spit out all the butt ends of my days and ways? And how should I presume."

Additional Material Antonio A. Feliz is now the Acting Presiding Bishop as well as the president of the church.

9 August 1986 Saturday

It's been a year since I quit Ticor Title Company in Santa Ana California in preparation to move back to Utah. It was the best thing I ever did because I was so underappreciated there and even mentally abused. Today was quite warm about 100 degrees. I went into work this morning for about four hours, getting the printer back on line, and finishing up some orders. Then I came back home and spent much of the day on household chores, being domestic, and grocery shopping. Later to treat myself, I took the bus up to the U of U to go soak in the sauna in the HPER building. It’s so good for my skin and pores. The view is not bad either. In the evening I made some bran muffins, and sautéed some mushrooms to smother baked potatoes that I am serving Jim Pincock for dinner. Jim came over about 9 at night and I fixed him a green salad, a fruit salad, and a huge russet potato garnished with mushrooms, onions, and a cheese sauce. It was yummy. We visited some about Mark Lamar and others we know and then discussed the mechanic liens that have been attached to his property which is the prime reason for his coming over. But that didn't stop us from making out on the couch. To cool off we walked over to Snelgroves on 4th South for an ice cream cone. Jim is a very sweet man but there's no Oomph there for me. There's no tingle in my spine when I am with him like I had with John Howell. I guess I just don't feel romantic with him. He and I have different values too. He's still very LDS, and wears to much jewelry. I could tell from his decorated apartment that he's way more in to owning things being materialistic then I am. For example after eating ice cream he invited me back to his place to show me his new lamp and chair. Lamp and chair! Well screw that. I took him back to his bedroom, got naked, and made out some more. Things weren't clicking because he was kind of even fussy in bed. He was more concerned about mussing up his bed spread then getting off so we just fooled around. All in all it was a nice evening and I guess a good date but I doubt if there will be another. Jon Butler is out of town. I miss talking to him.

Additional Material-"Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna is number one song on national charts

10 August 1986 Sunday

I slept into until 11 o'clock this morning and I still didn't get enough rest. However I got up anyway, did the dishes from yesterday, and walked down to Liberty Park to lay out in the sun. I wasn't there but a short while when this kid from Lesbian and Gay Student Union named Jake Smit came over to sit and visit with me. Jake is a writer for the Triangle Magazine. I had seen him at the park before and at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I asked him if he had eaten yet and he said no, so I invited him back to my place for lunch. I fixed him cheese enchiladas and finished off the fruit salad. Jake is so intense, an angry young man. I love it. He's only 21 years old but on the Weber State debate team. He appears to run on pure energy and damn near wore me out just visiting with him. But he was an intellectual high for me to be around. He said that he's against the practice of "Safe Sex" because he feels that it doesn't promote safe sex or Gay Rights. Then he tells me he likes "older" men like me so we kissed and made out on the couch before I told him I had to leave for church at Metropolitan Community Church. I missed the Restoration Church's meeting by being lip locked with Jake for most of the afternoon. I think he was a little frustrated by the boner he was sporting and I hated to waste a perfectly good erection, but I had to go. Jake didn't want to go with me so we kissed and perhaps there will be a next time. The Metropolitan Community Church service was nice but perhaps I should have stayed home with Jake. After the meeting I went home and got ready for Affirmation's fireside. Ina Mae Murray, from Oakland California, who is the national director of Affirmation, was visiting Salt Lake City and she was the keynote speaker. Jim Pincock and I arrived at Affirmation at the same time so we sat together. Russ Lane was in all his giddy glory, prancing around Ina Mae. I was bored. I am not impressed with Ina Mae. While at times interesting, mostly she’s just another cultural Mormon Dyke type. I was tired and it was very warm in the packed Crossroads Urban Center that I almost fell asleep at times. So, I left before it was over and Jim went with me to sit outside on the grass. We saw Jon Butler sitting in his van so we asked him to join us going for an ice cream cone. However Jim and Jon  really wanted to stay and talk with Ina Mae so I walked home and just I had entered the room there was a knock on the door. It was Billy Bikowski and his boyfriend Mike Burton. I invited them in and Bill said he brought me a hook-up cord for my telephone which I hadn't been able to get to work. That was so sweet and thoughtful of him. Both Mike and Bill worked on attaching the phone cord to the wall phone outlet but we still couldn't get it to work so that we could dial out. I sure appreciated their trying. While we were starting to visit, Jon Butler and Jim Pincock knocked on the door and I invited them in also! I was beginning to get a full house! We were having a great time, telling gossip, jokes, and just philosophizing. After Mike and Bill left, Jon, Jim, and I walked to Snelgroves since it was such a warm pleasant evening and it was cooler than being inside. We then walked back to the Juel Apartment and ate our ice creams beneath the huge elm tree in the parking strip in front of the building. I told them that it's nights like this how we will remember summer. We saw Russ Lane finally coming home from Affirmation care a small box of Affirmation material. We were all chatting, enjoying the warm summer night air when Bill Bikowski came back over riding his mountain bike. I guess Mike had left Bill at his place. Bill then asked me if he could spend the night. I was thrilled and Russ Lane was envious. I didn't let on to the others that it would be completely innocent but I let them leeringly think what they wanted. Bill then rode off and I left the party under the elm tree to go get ready for bed myself. About five minutes later Bill rang my buzzer and I let him in with him carrying his mountain bike. I made a bed for him on the sofa and gave him a back massage before going to bed myself. I am happy that Bill is here with me tonight. I think we are going to become really good friends but perhaps not lovers, which I suppose is fine with me. After all I am ten years older than he is. But I really do enjoy having Bill around even if I am not in love with him. Perhaps I am just flattered by the fact that a young man as handsome as he is would want to come over and be with me. It was a nice day. No. It was a good day.

Additional Material: Ina Mae Murri, National Coordinator of Affirmation was the first Lesbian to hold that position in an organization that’s about 80% male. She died 17 July  2010, as a result of injuries sustained in a car accident in Preston, Idaho.

• Jacob M Smit born 14 December 1964 died 8 January 1995 in Longview, Washington of AIDS

11 August 1986 Monday

Billy Bikowski and I woke up about six-thirty this morning and we talked until eight-thirty when I had to get up and go into work. Bill left the house after I went to work. It was a little boring at work without Troy and Trent Holmberg. I really miss those boys it made work more fun. It was a slow day which was fine with me because I was so tired from staying up late with Bill. Troy Nichols said that he would come over to the apartment to look at my phone jack during lunch to see if he could get it to work. I said, “great and I'll fix lunch for you”. We finished up the last of the batch of cheese enchiladas but still couldn't get the phone to work. Troy said because everything is correctly wired I need to call the phone company which I did when I went back to work. At work I also called Wanda Fillman because some of my wife's friends were trying to get in touch with her. I started to get a little weepy after talking to Wanda because I am just missing Fran and her association. After work Jon Butler came over to the apartment and we talked to the manager about any vacancies in the building. There were four vacancies so Jon looked at them. It would be great if Jon could get into the Juel. Looking at apartments took until about seven-thirty, then we went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union where they were still playing volleyball in Liberty Park. It was a lot fun playing ball but we didn't stay past 9 because we were both tired. When I came back home I discovered that my phone was now working so I called my mom and gave her my new phone number and address. I also told her that Fran and I had separated and I was out living on my own again. Mom said something about that I'd probably get married again and I said to her, "No there will never be another Mrs. Williams."

12 August 1986 Tuesday

There's trouble brewing on the horizon at work. Tony Scarborough, the sleaze from the Provo Office of Utah Title is gunning for Bob Elcock's job. As much as I might not like Bob, Tony would be far worse. During my lunch break, I walked to 9th South and State Street where I bought a ten speed bike for $90 completely assembled at Fred Meyers. It’s a nice bike and I love riding it with the wind whipping around me although my butt is so sore now. But it beats walking! Work was slow again today and without the Holmberg Boys to keep me entertained it’s even more boring but life goes on. Jon Butler confided confidentially to me that attorneys for the LDS Church have brought a copyright lawsuit against the Restoration Church saying that the name The Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints is an infringement. He also said that Tony Feliz was coming up to Salt Lake City for the Sunstone Symposium this weekend. I would love to go but alas I am flat broke after buying my bike. Jon also told me that Tony and David Ewing have broken up and Tony is now pursuing Jon. I told Jon he ought to jump at it and then maybe he'll make him an Apostle. It's pretty obvious to me that Tony hands out church callings to his special favorites. Sounds kind of like Joseph Smith now that I think about it. Maybe Tony is a prophet! ha! Not unless you spell it profit. The Lord Commands you to build me a Mansion House with a full bar. The Lord commands you to spread your legs for me. I am definitely become less enchanted with the whole prophet pyramid scheme. I rode my bike over to Mark Lamar's place to ask him over for dinner tomorrow even though his birthday isn't until the 14th. He said he is going out for his birthday so I wanted to do something for him. He's been a good friend to me. At Mark's apartment on 100 South, Jim Pincock was over visiting and since it felt like they were wanting to be alone, I only stayed long enough to ask him over and to see if he would be interested in having a Sacrament meeting with like minded people who want to be more Christ oriented and less Priesthood authority oriented. He said he might be. I've already spoken to Jon Butler and he is for sure, and maybe Lon Wright and Russ Lane as well. It was a nice night to be out riding. I was expecting Bill Bikowski to call me tonight but he didn't. It's a mistake to expect anything from anyone.

13 August 1986 Wednesday

The corns on my feet are killing me. I don't know why my feet are attacking me. It must be from all the walking I do. Work was as usual, dull without the Holmberg boys, especially Troy. What a live wire that character is. I had to go back to the Dentist today and when I left work Bill Bikowski called me. I was later able to get a hold of him and ask him over for dinner tomorrow. My dentist appointment was at 1:00 in the afternoon and I rode my new ten speed. What a time saver. I can make it to down town in less the ten minutes where it would usually take twice that amount. I need a name for my bike. How about "Tom Cruiser". My butt is so sore from riding yesterday. Poor Ben. Sore feet and sore butt. At the dentist I had a cavity filled then he informed me that my x-rays showed what might be a tumor on my right jaw. Dr. Russon said it may be nothing but wanted to send the pictures to a specialist. Oh, great now I have a tumor in my jaw. Well life is short and fragile. I had Mark Lamar over this evening for a birthday dinner and that was fun. I also invited Mark's friend Ken, Jon Butler, and Russ Lane. I baked homemade macaroni and cheese casserole, sautéed squash and broccoli, fruit salad, sliced cantaloupe and chopped celery and tomatoes in a herb dressing. I also baked chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and chopped walnuts served with vanilla ice cream. Poor Russ ate like there's no tomorrow. I'm sure he doesn't get a good meal often. He was almost human again tonight, fun like when I first met him. While eating we played a truth game, answering questions drawn from a hat. It was interesting, fun, and revealing. It was also a great way to get to know each other. After dinner when Russ was laying down on the sofa, I started gently rubbing his back like old times and some of the old feelings for Russ welled up inside me again. Russ then said something that almost made me cry. He said that the Restoration Church sure did something wrong to have alienated me because I was its strongest advocate. Interesting that Russ was that observant to be able to make that astute comment. People started leaving about ten and soon I was left alone with my dirty dishes. It was a very pleasant evening and cooler then yesterday. Staring at the walls of my empty apartment I am missing my wife, Toby, and Sam right now. I wonder how people manage to live without their children? I am thankful that the Lord Christ is my friend and advocate but why doesn't Russ love me? Why didn't John Cunningham love me? Am I that unlovable? I did everything I could to make them love me but I must have a defect in that area.  I am feeling alone tonight but it’s okay. I'm not feeling lonely. I think there's a difference. I am worried about Fran being alone but I shouldn't. Her joy is contagious and she is usually so positive and upbeat that she is probably having a lot of fun in Levan. I guess I am feeling some type of guilt for the breakup of our marriage. But how could I have made it work? Stay unhappy, grow fat, anesthetized to any type of feelings, and then die? God forbid. There is much more for me to do with my life than that.

Additional Material 

 Antonio A. Feliz and John R. Crane have dreams where deceased friends came to them. When they spoke about their dreams to one another, it spurred the creation of what is now HT&P 36. Feliz and Crane are both comforted, instructions given to specific priesthood members.

14 August 1986 Thursday

I arrived in Utah a year ago today. There’s been so many changes in my life; too many to recount at the moment. At work Gena said Bob Elcock wants to fire Russ again. I can't believe it. But Gena said that it won't happen because she will quit if he does. I am not going to fight this battle for Russ this time. The Lord's Will be done. I paid my bills tonight, over $537 worth and I still owe $150 to pay on others. So, it’s going to be real tight for me the next copy of weeks. I have zero reserves and I will be in the hole if not careful. Bill Bikowski cancelled our dinner date tonight and while I was a little disappointed I was also relieved because I am still exhausted from yesterday. At 9:00 tonight I rode over to where Jon Butler is house sitting to visit. I do hope he moves into the Juel Apartments. It was fun being out riding around in the cool night air. Jim Pincock invited me to go with Jon Butler and him to the movies tomorrow. I've invited Jon, Lon Wright, and LeGrand to come over Saturday to watch the “Music Man” and Sunday evening we are going bike riding so the weekend is already planned. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Additional Material- Wasatch Leather men Motorcycle Club hosted Falcon Flight ‘86 held in the Uintah Mountains.

15 August 1986 Friday

It was pay day although I had most of it spent before I got it, and it wasn't as much as I thought I was going to get paid. There's nothing traumatic going on at work. At home I was watching Twilight Zone and something else stupid, when Bill Bikowski called me. He said he wasn't doing anything in particular and he asked me to come over to see his apartment. He said he finally got it decorated the way he wants. So I rode my ten speed over to his apartment at 125 South 9th East and he's in Apartment 17 in the old Scarborough apartment building. He has this really cute place on the third floor with a bay window overlooking downtown. His place is very hot though with no air conditioning so I can see why he likes sleeping at my apartment. We just got to talking when his boyfriend Scott Wallendorf showed up unexpectedly. Scott is this bearded cute brunette about 26 years old, who’s very physically fit because he's into aerobics. Bill is about 24 years old I think, is blond of Polish extraction and has piercing blue eyes that are incredibly bright, luminous, and gorgeous. I could tell from Scott's face that he wasn't expecting to see me but he didn't act jealous or disappointed that I was here. Probably because he could sense he had no reason to be. I've seen him a few times at Affirmation, and he seems to be a nice kid, but I didn't know that he was “the” Scott that Billy was breaking up with over Mike Burton. Bill told Scott that I gave great back rubs so Scott asked me for one. I had him sit down in front of me between my legs and I massaged his stiff neck and sinewy back. Bill was so tired that even with the both of us there, he fell asleep on the floor. While Scott is a very attractive man, there's something about Bill that makes me more attracted to him. Not sure what it is. It was fun being over at Bill even with him asleep on the floor because Scott and I talked about life and Billy until about 2 in the morning. Finally I left and rode my bike home so Scott and Billy could be alone. I feel like I am beginning to become more involved with Bill then I want to get.

Additional Material-

Representatives of the Salt Lake Gay Community met with a city appointed auditor to discuss concerns about the police treatment of Gays. Auditor Bob Wilson met with David Nelson, The Utah Community Service Center and Clinic director Beau Chaine, Sun Club Owner Joe Redburn, The Metropolitan Community Church pastor Bruce Barton, AIDS Project Utah representative Richard Rodriguez,  The Lesbian and Gay Student Union president Jim Hunsaker, along with Gay Activists Michael Aaron, Graham Bell, Lyle Bradley, and others.

• The Sun Club presented recording artist Sylvester in concert. Admission $7.00.

16 August 1986 Saturday

I started to stir about nine this morning and decided I better clean the place for the party tonight. I baked some chocolate chip cookies this morning before it got too hot and made a cheese ball to refrigerate to firm up. It was a very hot August day. By noon I walked down to Liberty Park and lay out in the sun. In two more months, I won't be able to do that anymore. After coming back home around seven, I popped a lot of popcorn, expecting Lon Wright, Legrand, and Jon Butler to be coming over but only Jon did. I guess Jon and Lon are fussing again. We started to watch the Music Man but since we weren't getting into it we switched to Blake Edward's “S.O.B.” which is hilarious. I guess we needed to laugh. Throughout the movie Jon and I visited about the Restoration Church and how it was changing or perhaps we were. We talked about our relationships or perhaps lack of them also. Jon was tired and left about 11 when Bill Bikowski showed up on my doorstep. He said he came over to watch Saturday Night Live and of course Bill ended spending the night here after talking until 3 in the morning. Bill is a complex and troubled individual and I think I am getting more involved with him then I want to be but I really think I want him only as a friend. Bill's boyish charm is so fucking captivating and when he laughs in that deep resonating voice my heart just leaps. His masculine voice is so sexy and appealing. He really should be an announcer. He has such a deep rich bass voice. I saved a batch of Chocolate Chip cookies for him from this morning because he loves them so much. I love cooking for him and pleasing him. Does that mean I am falling in love with him?

17 August 1986 Sunday

It was a very strange and weird day. Billy left at 10 after I fixed him some breakfast. I was close to tears for most of the day, I think from being tired and stretched emotionally. While reading the Sunday paper I came upon an article about the Sunstone Symposium in which I learned the title of Carol Lynn Pearson's book was "Goodbye, I Love You." Seeing the title and knowing it was about her relationship with her Gay ex-husband who had died of AIDS, I just started sobbing. Later I received a phone call from Bill Bikowski, inviting me over to his apartment for lunch where he was making homemade pizza. At first I declined because of it interfering with church; but when I heard that Jon Butler and Mark Lamar both weren't going to church today, I decided to go be with Bill instead. At the Scarborough, Bill was having a little get together for a few of his friends. Entering the apartment, I was surprised to see Beauchaine and Richard Lamborn whom I met at Lesbian and Gay Student Union and is an attorney. I had no idea that Bill knew either Beau or Richard. Anyway we all were sitting around on the floor, because Bill has no furniture, visiting while Bill was in his small kitchen trying not to burn the pizzas. When Richard asked Bill if we could help, Beau said, "Gentlemen its Bill's turn to serve us." I really didn't know what to make of that statement until later when Beau told me that Bill stayed with him for a few months when Bill came out, this past spring. I guess he has been out less than even me. There's so much I don't know about Bill. I'm so drawn to him, but even after all our late night talks I know absolutely nothing about his past. I do know that he was a returned Mormon Missionary from Uruguay, which was a horrible experience for him. He was sent home early on a medical reason, I think. I'm not even certain how strongly he still is hung up about the Mormon Church. He won't talk about it. Anyway while we were visiting and eating another friend of Bill's, named Erik Christensen showed up. Erik was the youngest person there and fine arts major at the U of U. I enjoyed being at Bill's party until he played a song by Carly Simons called "I'll Be Around" from her Torch Song album. The lyrics basically said I will be around when the rest are gone. Maybe because I was fragile from lack of sleep or simply melancholy over what is becoming an awkward relationship between Bill and me, but the lyrics hit me really hard. Rather than falling to pieces there, I abruptly told Bill I had to leave. I rode my bike home, fell on my sofa and cried until I had to get ready to go to the Metropolitan Community Church. However even there I was edgy. It was a small turn out and I sat next to Lon Wright but he wouldn't speak to me so he must be upset with me over something. I was not in a good zone so I got up in the middle of Bruce Barton's sermon and left. Outside sitting on the grass waiting was Bill Bikowski. He had ridden his bike to church to talk to me because he said he was concerned about me. I felt foolish trying to explain my feelings. But I don't know how I am feeling or what I am feeling. The more Bill is sweet to me the more I am attracted to him, but I should not be letting myself get into any kind of a relationship with anyone right now. I'm too vulnerable. When church let out I left Bill sitting on the Church steps and I went home to meet Jon Butler because we made a date to go bike riding with Jim Pincock. We rode over to Jim’s place  and at 100 South we met Scott Mills who went with us to ride around Liberty Park a few times. It was fun but tiring. Jon  is a sweet man better than I deserve. We rode all around downtown also but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was left on the church steps with Bill. When I came home about 8 I saw a note attached to my apartment door. It said simply Ben Be Well -Bill. .

Additional Material-

Howard Johnson along with nine others were arrested on charges of selling drugs.  Most of the arrest were made through the work of undercover officer Alan Larsen acting under the name of Jeff Allen.  Larson was introduced as a friend of community member by activist and Republican Mason Rankin. On  21 Sept 1997 Mason Rankin died of AIDS age 56.

18 August 1986 Monday

Nothing new to report at work because I slept walked through most of it. Johnny Welch is supposed to be in Salt Lake City today and because Jon Butler wanted to go see him, I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union by myself rather than stay home. I rode my bike up to Orson Spencer Hall on campus and it damn near gave me heat stroke but once there I had a lot of fun.

Bill Bikowski called me tonight at ten-thirty to say hi and to see how I was doing. That was important to me, because I had kind of decided not to initiate anything more with Bill this week. That is one of the reasons I went to LGSU, to be with new people so that I wouldn't be feeling so lonely due to his absence. My feelings for him are getting way too strong. I definitely need to sort them out. While he doesn't ever give any verbal impressions which could be construed to suggest that he wants to have a relationship with me, his actions tells me otherwise. Doesn't Bill calling me to see how I am, mean that he cares about me? Isn't caring the first steps towards love? I later called and asked him to come and spend the night with me. I know his place must be a furnace as it was 96 degrees today.

Additional material-Carol Lynn Pearson was interviewed by Bruce Lindsey on KSL’s Prime Time Access. Lindsey asked, “Is it a mistake to think that marriage would correct that in a person?” Pearson replied “That is a great error. Marriage in and of itself is not the cure for the homosexual person and we have an enormous amount of marriages that have failed because of that . “

19 August 1986 Tuesday

I am so tired but will try to write down some of my feelings. Bill Bikowski slept over last night because his apartment was roasting and of course we ended up talking while holding him in my arms until 1 in the morning. He fell asleep in front of the fan while I slept in the bedroom. Because it was a hot August night, I kept tossing and turning, finding it extremely difficult to fall to sleep. I heard Bill starting stirring at 6 and he passed through my room to the bathroom at 6:30. When he went to lay back down in the front room, I got up from my bed and groggily lay down beside him. I was tired, sleepy, and just wanted to snuggle with him. However this seemed to annoy him and he got up to move away from me. Kind of hurt, I then sat on the couch and did something really stupid. I kind of pulled him down on the couch next to me, just trying to mellow him out but this really aggravated him. It also made me feel awful like I was forcing myself on him. Rather than just brushing it off however, because it really was something insignificant, it seemed to reveal to me clearly that our relationship, if we even have one, is going nowhere. I then quietly told Bill that I have a lot to give, a lot of love, but I can't give you everything. I must reserve some back for me. If I am to keep the Royal Law I cannot just love my neighbor, I also have to love myself. I don't know if Bill even knew what I was trying to say, because he left the apartment pissed at me and I had to get ready for work. Work was so hard for me today because of the emotional state I was in. I am so fucking tired. When I came home I crashed in front of the fan. Russ Lane said he came down at 7 this evening and knocked on the door but I didn't hear him, so I must have really been in dream land. When I awoke from the nap I watched the Peter, Paul, and Mary's 25th Anniversary special on PBS and it was wonderful. Around ten at night Russ called to ask if he could come down because there was something he wanted to tell me in person. He said that the head of the Washington Chapter of Affirmation is moving to Salt Lake City and that he's a close friend of my friend Elbert Peck, an editor of the Sunstone Magazine. That is so funny. The LDS church is indeed a small world in so many ways. Then for some reason we gravitated towards politics again and at one point Russ starts yelling at. I stopped him immediately and said, "Russ I respect what you have to say so much but I won't have you talking to me that way. I want to hear what you have to say but I won't be yelled at." Surprisingly he took my rebuke pretty well, changed his tone, and we carried on again about economics. Later he said he realized why he lost his temper with me. He said that he was still hurt from last June when I wouldn't talk to him. He admitted that only two other people had ever hurt him as much before and he said he even cried over my indifference to him. I explained that I was going through a very difficult time myself, breaking up with Fran and being obsessively in love him. It was either cutting off communication with him or death because I was in so much emotional pain. Russ and I sorted out our feelings tonight and we healed a lot of the old wounds and hurts. I can honestly say that while I still love Russ I am no longer in love with him. I know it wouldn't take much to push me over that fine line again but that won't happen because neither one of us wants it to happen. I know that there's someone out there who will love me for simply being me and I know I will love him too. It's now 11:30 on this hot muggy August night and I have just finished saying goodnight to Russ. As I am writing in my journal I am trying to analyze how Bill and I are different. Bill is much more fragile than I. He's like fine crystal, sparkling, beautiful, durable, yet fragile; while I am plain old Tupperware. Drop me and I bounce. I am practical, useful, domestic, comfortable, and indestructible that is until I am near a flame. The very same flame that makes fine crystal will only destroy Tupperware. I know now that I really do love Bill Bikowski and yet I need to release him with love before either one of us gets hurt. We look at life too differently. He's a sculptor. He chips away unwanted matter to reveal its state of perfection. I am a painter. I have to organize and add color to an empty canvas to find the beauty I am seeking. I am really incredibly sad over this. I am going to really miss Bill Bikowski. What a Halley's Comet he was- blazing across my darkly lit heaven, burning ever so brightly, then gone. Now here I am left alone again, staring back into the dark void. I've met some real interesting people this year for sure. I am so sleepy I can't keep my eyes open any longer

20 August 1986 Wednesday

I was more rested today so work was not so draining for me. I have pretty much gotten my emotions back on a even keel. It was cooler today than it has been for a while and in the evening it poured rain, really cooling everything off. Sophie's Choice was on tonight featuring Meryl Streep and even though I wanted to watch it I felt like I really needed to get to an Overeaters Anonymous Meeting. It’s not that my food is so crazy, but I need program or at least to hear it. I rode my bike to the YWCA over on 3rd South and 3rd East and there were a small group there, about seven, and all women. It was an “HOW” meeting that relies more on control and measuring then turning it over to a higher power meeting but I decided to take what I needed from the meeting and leave the rest. By the time it was over at 9 rain  was coming down in buckets and I was soaked to the skin riding my bike back home but it was a fun warm summer time rain. I was able to catch the tail end of Sophie’s Choice tonight and was crying my eyes out when towards the end as Sophie had to make a choice between which of her children she would send to the gas chamber at Auschwitz. What a terrible world we live in. That movie has always tore at my heart and even more so now because of putting down Sam and Toby. It was my decision to put down Toby with Sam and I have to live with that. Right at the end of the movie, Bill Bikowski calls and asks if he can spend the night again because his apartment is soaked from the rain storm we had this evening. He had left his windows up while he had been out. I should have said no but I didn't. He didn't come over until nearly 11  so he missed the news at ten where LDS Church owned KSL interviewed Carol Lynn Pearson regarding her book about her husband who died of AIDS. They actually talked about her husband's Gayness and how it's time that we come to understand and love Gay people. It was really amazing that this story got on KSL. Well when Bill finally showed up I was friendly, but just a touch reserved. I cannot afford to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm just doing what Christ would want me to do and that is to give Bill shelter from a storm but I know He wouldn’t want me to be in pain either.

21 August 1986 Thursday

There's nothing to report at work. Thank goodness. In the evening after coming home around 6, Russ Lane and Val Smithson came over to watch Carol Lynn Pearson be interviewed on Prime Time Access. She is promoting her book "Goodbye I Love You." It was actually a really good interview without any Gay bashing. Russ wanted to make a VCR tape of the program for Affirmation so that is the reason Val and Russ came down to my place. Val is the new Secretary for Affirmation I think because they are both working on an Affirmation newsletter and membership list. Val is really cute, tall, lanky like Russ but darker, and a  brunette. I told them that I was considering being a tax resister because Utah and the United States Supreme Court won't guarantee me my fundamental rights as a homosexual to practice my lifestyle. If American society won't promote and protect my liberties what obligations do I have to support the government?

22 August 1986 Friday

Today was Lynn Fetting, my straight work friend, last day. She's quitting to move to Las Vegas and I am going to miss her and her pot smoking ways. She was such a good friend to me and first straight person at work whom I felt comfortable enough to trust to tell them that I am Gay. Jon Butler and I went bike riding this pleasant evening mainly down to the Sheraton Hotel to see how many people turned out for Carol Lynn Pearson's talk at the Sunstone Symposium. I saw Russ Lane there and Jon spotted Tony Feliz, John Crane, and Bob McIntier listening to the lecture. Russ said that the earlier seminar on Homosexuality and the Church was excellent. Neither Jon nor I had tickets to the event so we were kind of hoping that the sound system would spill out into the concourse so that we might hear a portion of her talk, but it didn't. So I was ready to leave then but Jon stood in the doorway to the convention room and listened for a while. That kind of embarrassed me but different strokes for different folks. Jon is an enigma. He can be so cheap at times and yet so generous in other ways. After we left the hotel we rode around the city which was way fun. Bill Bikowski called late tonight and asked if he could come over. How Can I say no? We stayed up and visited after watching David Letterman. Bill invited me to go on a picnic with him tomorrow. Hmmmm?

Additional Material-For the first time in its 8 years, a guest panel was held at the Sunstone Symposium at the Sheraton Hotel, to discuss the LDS church and its view of homosexuality. Series of meetings held called “Out of the Closet and Into the Fire.” Beginning the discussion was Dr. Robert Card, who was known in the Gay Community for his use of aversion therapy to change sexual orientation.  According to Mormon psychologist Robert Card, the LDS Church, which for a time pursued a “humongous program” for changing sexual orientation, has seemed to have dropped these efforts. Carol Lynn Pearson author of “Goodbye I Love You” also spoke to the receptive audience

23 August 1986 Saturday

I got up at six-thirty this morning when Bill woke up. We had to get ready to meet the others for the picnic up Mill Creek Canyon by ten. So Bill and I rode over to Beauchaine's Gingerbread house in Billy's white Rabbit Volkswagen, to help him load up the food that Beau had left over from a catering event yesterday. Then we went on our own to a spot in the canyon where we met Erik Christensen the young artist, Billy’s friend Dave Reed, a blond athletic looking man about my age, Beau Chaine, and two guys I didn’t know,  Art and Stephen. It was really nice being up in the cool canyon. Beauchaine brought a lot of food and we barbecued hamburgers before taking a hike up the canyon. It was wonderful being up in the woods away from the city however while out on the hiking trail, Bill abruptly stated that he wanted to spend some time alone with Dave Reed. The way Bill said it was rather insensitive and the rest of us scattered as not to intrude in their conversations. I was more than bummed out and was wishing I had not come. At noon Bill came back down to the picnic site and announced that he had an appointment he had made with some people about doing some work for them, and that he had to leave. Bill must have sensed that my feelings were rather hurt by his awkward behavior back on the trail because he asked me if I wanted to go with him while he was running around on business rather than be taken back home. My heart was happy again but I non descriptively just said "sure". We drove somewhere in Sandy and while we were out in that area we stopped at a ski shop so Billy could check out ski binders, and at a 7-Eleven where I bought us some drinks. I also bought him some plastic combs because he said had lost all of his. It wasn't much I know but I enjoy doing something for him. It was a nice afternoon to be driving around, but spending this much time with Bill is telling me that I am getting way too involved. I don't know how Bill truly feels; but I don't want to be just "friends" anymore. I am beyond that with Bill because I am already too emotionally involved. When we arrived back home, Bill dropped me off and I took a nap. Afterwards I  then rode my bike to Smith's to do some grocery shopping. I buy just enough groceries that I can hang from my bike handle bars. Then in the evening, I get another phone call from Bill asking if he can come over to watch Saturday Night Live. I against said "sure." So I made up a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies just for him, but Saturday Night Live is nearly over and he has not yet shown up. Bill Bikowski- love me or leave me. You are draining me and taking me away from my friends. I need to get on with my life. Russ Lane's mom is out from Iowa visiting him. He came down a little while ago to borrow a pillow from me. It's lightening and thundering outside. Serene I fold my hands and wait nor care for wind nor tide nor sea. I rave no more 'gainst time or fate. For Lo my own shall some to me.

Additional material- David Edward Reed Sr. was born on June 6, 1951 in San Mateo, San Mateo County, California to Vern and Eleanor Reed. He died March 25, 1992 in Utah of AIDS.

• A Women’s dance sponsored by Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church was held there.
• "Papa Don't Preach"  by Madonna is number one song on national charts.

24 August 1986 Sunday

The thunder that rolled across the valley kept waking me up for most of the morning as I was trying to sleep in. Lightening was striking so close to the building that I actually was frightened which usually I never am. I wanted someone lying next to me to hold me close. Finally around nine, I roused myself and looking out the window I could tell it was still raining. It turned out to a very cool, wet and cool day. I went into work for a little bit to get some searches out, since it was much too cool to go to Liberty Park. After leaving work just curled up on the couch and read the Sunday Paper. Jon Butler called about noon and asked if I was going be home for a while because he wanted to drop some bananas and peaches off for me. That was so sweet of him, and knowing how "frugal" Jon can be, it meant even more to me. While he was here we visited for a while with him saying he was going to church because he had to see Tony Feliz about some church business so I said I'd see him there later. Since it quit raining I went for a bike ride and rode down to Roberta Street to see if anyone had rented the place yet. No one had so I went into the backyard and picked some of the ripe peaches rather than let them go to waste. They weren't quite ripe yet but will be soon. I thought I could use them as well as the birds. I then rode over to John Howell's place and he was home. He invited me in and we visited a little. He is still special to me even though I doubt if anything will develop between us. We are too different. I can see that now. Leaving John's, I peddled my ass over to the community center for church. There I was pleasantly surprised to see Pam Calkins. She had come to Salt Lake for the Sunstone Symposium also. At church I could hardly abide Tony Feliz's pompous self-righteousness so after taking the Sacrament and talking to Pam I took off before Tony gave his “address”. He has nothing I want to hear. I do not like the direction the Restoration Church is taking. I could, with all my heart, accept Pam Calkins as a prophet seer and revelator or even John Crane but never Tony. Poor Mike Howard looks like he's burning out quickly and has lost that youthful air he had when I first met him. I fear that he might be traveling in the fast lane without snow tires. I hope it’s not drugs but I think it is. Mark Lamar and I were the only ones at church who did not sustain Carole Dee and Leanna Anderson in their new church callings. I've also heard that Pam, Lynn LeMasters, Leann, and Carol are soon to form a polygamous relationship with each other. Everyone thought that it would be the Gay men who would be the first to revive plural marriage not the Lesbians. After leaving church I rode home and fixed some dinner and took a nap before attending the Metropolitan Community Church. There I sat with Beauchaine and the more I've come to know him, the more I feel bad that I had listened to vicious gossip and have been too judgmental of him. He's doing the very best he can and has the community best interest at heart. Who am I to sit in judgment of him? I am not his judge. Church was good although I still am not comfortable with all the “High Church” pomp. Rev. Bruce Barton gave an excellent sermon on the Book of Esther. Rev. Barton is thin as a rail and very flamboyant. I suppose he believes he has to be dramatic to keep the seats filled. He taught us a really powerful song while I can't remember the title some of the lyrics went like this, "If I perish! I perish! For I am going to see the King! If I perish I perish For I am going to see the King. No more trials! Tribulations! Persecutions! Troubles and Woe. For I am going to see the King!" Church was barely over when I sped away to be at the Crossroad Urban Center for Affirmation. Mike Anderson gave a talk on Spencer Kimball's Miracle of Forgiveness reading from the most vile passages. The group consensus was that Kimball was expressing his own prejudices and homophobia rather than speaking the mind and will of God. I sat for most of the meeting next to cute Craig Hunter and I was kind of a shit to Mark Lamar all though I hadn't any reason to be. It was just misdirected attempts at humor at his expense that hurt him more then made him laugh so I apologized later because I love Mark. I met this man named Ken Rasmussen from the New York Affirmation who was in town for the Sunstone Symposium. He is working on a book about Gays in the LDS Church and asked if he could come over Wednesday to interview me. I guess I fascinated him. He said that he needed a collaborator! Hmmmm. I also saw Doug “beautiful blue eyes” Webb tonight. He asked for my telephone number because he said he'd like to study Gay history with me. Affirmation held a big crowd tonight and half way into the meeting Bill Bikowski arrived. When Bill walked through the arched entry way into the room, the whole space seemed to light up with his presence. So I know without a doubt that I am hooked. Damn It! After the meeting when I thought he had left without even talking to me I was in a blue funk, but he had only been in the bathroom. When he came out, he came right up to me and he seemed to radiate both anima and masculinity as we talked. He apologized for not coming over last night and said that he had simply forgotten because he was over at Richard Lamborn's. Richard and his roommate were watching a movie and Bill fell asleep over there. Anyways after leaving Affirmation, I rode my bike home only to have Bill shows up on my doorstep about ten-thirty. I let him in and while sitting across from each other we started getting into this heavy conversation about our relationship. I told him that I was not going to go through with him what I did with John Cunningham fifteen years ago. I tried to make him understand that I am not going to just love him "pure and chaste" from afar. I've read that book and I know how it ends; with a broken heart. I also explained that I am not just going to be another Scott Wallendorf to him either; "a nice guy but..." There are lots of people out there who would love to have what I can offer; I've just not had the chance to meet them yet. As Bill and I were getting into the thick of this conversation who should show up at my door? Scott Wallendorf of all people! While I was really glad to see him, the timing could not have been worse. I had really wanted to be alone with Bill to resolve some issues like his dependence on me taking him in anytime he doesn't want to be alone. I wanted, even needed, to really find out from Bill an answer to the question I posed to him when I first made love to him, "Why are you here?" But it wasn't to be because I wasn't going to run Scott off. So we all sat on the couch and visited like none of us was in any pain. The truth is I had a lovely time just visiting with the boys and at one point when I had mentioned that I was a vegetarian, Scott asked, "How do you get your protein?" I with a straight face, and matter of factly replied "Semen". Scott laughed himself silly and Bill just groaned and threw a pillow at me. I was quite pleased with myself and thought myself quite clever. Anyway before the two left, Bill for good measures threw a bunch of pillows on me and then jumped on top on me. Scott then dog piled on him. We were laughing and having such a good time. It was good to see Bill let his hair down and just have fun and be natural. Well I didn't get a chance to resolve anything tonight. Billy Bikowski. I am stuck on you.

Additional Material-

Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 37, which calls Robert M. McIntier to be a High Councilor with the Presidency of the High Priests that they may now act as the Traveling High Council and Standing High Council of the Church.  The Presidency of the High Priests Quorum met with Elder Robert McIntier in his home in Salt Lake City. Also present was Executive Secretary Eduardo Muldong, acting as clerk. President Feliz asked the group to consider the proposition of establishing that group, drawn from members of the High Priests Quorum, as a High Council to preside over the affairs of the Church. 

A new LDS group called “People Who Care” (Parents and Friends of Gays )was formed by straight members of the LDS Church.  The Straight Women who founded the group were Gerri Johnston and Lucille Warren

The Royal Court’s “Carnival” fundraiser was held at Backstreet.

25 August 1986 Monday

Not much new at work to report, however Russ Lane said something sweet to me. I can hardly believe it. Paul Brown and I are usually at the totally opposite extremes of politics and philosophy and after another heated discussion, Russ went to Paul and told him that while Ben is just an aging liberal from the Sixties, he really does practice what he preaches and is really concerned about the welfare of all people. It really touched my heart that Russ would take my part even with the “aging liberal” crack. After work I came home and took a nap. At seven-thirty I rode my bike down to Liberty Park to play volleyball with the Lesbian and Gay Student Union guys. I saw Jon Butler, Scott Mills, Jake Smit, and others I recognized there. I played four games with Jim Hunsaker, Graham Bell, Lyle Bradley, Jon, Scott, and some others against these Indian kids who were at the park. I was on the losing side each time but it was really fun but right now I am paying the price of it with a sore back and am feeling crippled up. I was hoping to see Bill Bikowski and Scott Wallendorf at the park but they didn't show up. The days are getting shorter but it was a very fun day. I need to keep reminding myself to not get hung up on Bill Bikowski. Life goes on. Count your blessings and cut your losses and start new and fresh. I think I will take my contacts out and hit the sack. I wonder where Fran is and how is she.

26 August 1986 Tuesday

I am in such pain and misery. My back is so sore and stiff that I can barely move. Last night I couldn't get any sleep because every time I moved I would get a sharp pain so I just lay in bed alternating between laughing and crying. I did manage to pull myself together to make it into work because I figured I might as well be miserable there as at home. Jon Butler was sweet to me and helped me out a lot at work. In the evening I walked over to Bill Bikowski's just to see him. I couldn't ride my bike because I was still in a lot of physical pain from spraining my back playing volleyball with the Lesbian and Gay Student Union group yesterday. I had a need just to see Bill's face but when I arrived at his place I just felt stupid being there. I had asked Bill if he would give me a massage because my back was hurting so bad. So he gave a rather non-enthusiastic one. Why am I in love with Bill? Sensing that Bill really didn't want me over, I told him that our relationship frightens me because I don't feel I have any say in it. He just didn't even try to be responsive, so I left and walked home from 9th East. I wrote him a goodbye letter but I doubt if I will send it. I feel as I am developing needs that can only be met by Billy and that puts me in a really vulnerable position and I don't like it. ““Salt Lake City 26 August 1986 Dear Bill How to begin? At the beginning I suppose. One of the eternal truths I am finally grasping is that the key to inner peace and a semblance of happiness is simple acceptance. What is; simply is. My Heavenly Father and Mother made it very clear to me that my homosexuality was my gift and that I needed to stop rejecting that precious gift. This was one of the greatest spiritual insights that I have ever received. Now since I have had a sure knowledge of my savior's love and acceptance of who I am, I am now able to feel love and acceptance from others. Dear Bill I know how hard it is for you to truly believe I love you and accept you as you are but I do. However that doesn't mean that it’s not vital that I take care of my needs also. Bill I am truly sad for what could have been between us but I guess it is not meant to be. I would have loved being your companion, lover, and friend but I fear that you are looking for the companion, the lover, and the friend elsewhere. So God bless your dreams and desires and I pray to my Heavenly Parents that you find who you are seeking. Your path is evidently divergent from mine but remember all paths lead back to our Father's house. Having said all this, Bill I don't know if it is good for either of us to be with each other for a period of time. I make you uncomfortable by my desire for you, and you are making me unhappy by your rejection of my affection. I desire so very much to be happy and generally I am. I am an "up" person but I see us as "star crossed lovers" in some Shakespeare tragedy. You're young, fair, and noble but with fatal flaws which are matched by my own character defects. This can only spell heartache and forlorn. I think that until you truly come to terms with your nature, you will always be sabotaging your attempts at achieving true happiness. I hope that with age and time you will come to love yourself as much as I do- but as for me- I am afraid I won't be there when you do. Time is pressing me forward, and I have already been where you are yet to go. You can run from place to place but you can't hide from yourself. I know- because I have read that book and know how it ends. Bill how can I not be enamored by your masculine beauty- which is so apparent and your sweet charm that is so alluring? I will sorely miss them always, but more so I will miss the "Oh No!" boy who landed upon my doorstep one magical summer night. Was it all just a dream? Was it only faerie Mid-Summer madness? A little romance? You will always be my Halley's Comet blazing brightly, gloriously illuminating my summer nights. But you are gone now and I am staring once again into the murky void, leaving me to wait for another celestial entity to magnify and end my lonely existence. I certainly wish, Bill, that we will be eternal friends, and yes I will shed tears whenever I think "happily on thee" but then I will smile. Live long and prosper as we have been taught. Ben amo tu.”

27 August 1986 Wednesday

I am feeling much better today and my back is loosening up. It was a very long day at work with me moving slowly and being very stiff. At lunch I saw Fran for the first time in nearly a month. She brought some small items that were mine over to the apartment for me. It made me cry. I miss her so much. I miss her company. If being Gay is something that God could have changed and taken away like any other compulsive behavior then I hate Him for not doing so. But I know that it's simply me, my eternal nature, “Gay for the ages”, and I do love God for helping me come to terms with that. When I asked Fran if she wanted to go to the show this weekend, she said that she felt like it was still too early for us to be doing anything together because the separation still hurts her too much. I understood and am trying to cope myself. I signed the title to the car over to Fran today After work, back at the apartment, I tried straightening up the place because Ken Rasmussen from the New York Chapter of Affirmation wanted to come over and interview me. He ended up staying until 5 in the morning, visiting and enjoying each other's company. Ken is this tall, bearded, handsome, and extremely interesting man. He made me a little nervous however with all his radical Gay activist talk and attitude. He'll go back to New York where there are no sodomy laws while we remain behind the Zion Curtain progressing in incremental steps and not in leaps and bounds. I know he wanted to make love with me and we cuddled a little, but that is all I could do. I am so hung up over Bill Bikowski that there's little room in my heart for anyone else.

28 August 1986 Thursday

I am surprised that I could function at all today and it was only because I live across the street that could I make it into work where I slept walked throughout most of the day. I was so exhausted from only about three hours of sleep. My back is feeling so much better though. In the evening I was committed to taking my apartment manager, Edna Brown, to the Genealogy Library to get her off my back. Once she learned that I am a genealogist she has been pestering me. I was so tired, so very, tired that I didn't really care what I was doing. Edna is this older middle aged woman who is lacking in social skills but is doing the best she can I suppose. She's not stupid but not too bright either. Let's just say not all her dogs are barking. But I figure if I help her she will look the other way about all the male company I keep. It's illegal in Salt Lake City to rent a one bedroom apartment to two unrelated individuals and the Bradshaw’s who own the building could kick me out if they knew that I was Gay. Working with Edna did make me kind of miss going to the library for family research. I need to get back into the habit on a regular basis.

29 August 1986 Friday

I am feeling so much better with my back only slightly stiff but not the real killer it felt like last Monday. Canyon Anderson at work said that Bob Elcock is determined to lay off some of the title examiners including Norene Hansen. That's too bad because I hate it when someone loses their job by no fault of their own. Jon Butler has paid his deposit and first month rent for his place at the Juel Apartment. He's moving into Apartment 10 upstairs and towards the back of the building. It will be so good having Jon here! After working until 6 in the evening, I took off to begin enjoying my three day weekend! I did a load of washing in the evening in the laundry room just at the end of my hall and tried straightening up the house some, vacuuming, and doing dishes. Around nine I decided to go out and I rode my bike all around downtown. I rode nearly five miles or more. There was this really cute man with a blond beard walking down Main Street. He looked like a tourist and when I rode past him he flashed this great smile at me so I rode around the block to ride past him again and he gave me even a bigger smile. Like a conditioned response or  one of Pavlov's dogs I rode around the block again and he smiled again before I rode off. Stupid I know but it was fun and great for my bruised ego. He appeared German and was simply darling. Anyway since it was nearly 1:30 in the morning by the time I rode on home. I went straight to bed. It’s not so hot, hot, hot anymore which simply means that Summer sweet Summer is on its way out. Autumn leaves will begin to fall soon. What a peculiar year it’s been for me. It's like I have compressed five years into one. Billy Bikowski, my summer romance, “bye bye”.

Additional Material-

 John R. Crane receives a revelation, now HT&P 38, which came in response to the proposition that Feliz made on August 24th regarding a High Council. The matter is to be voted upon at a Conference. The High Council is to act as both Standing (administrative/governing duties) and Traveling (missionary/outreach duties) until further organization occurs. Instructed to act with love, and empowered to receive revelation. 

The Knights of Malta Assembly ’86 was held for the first time in Salt Lake City sponsored by the Beehive Chapter. Knights of Malta is a social, levi, leather club. The Fund-raiser raised $1000 for AIDS education. A check was presented to the Royal Court for their AIDS Fund.

30 August 1986 Saturday

I received a call from Bill Bikowski this morning and I was surprised. I hadn't talked to Bill since Tuesday and hadn't expected to hear from him again. He asked me how I was and I said I was still sleepy from getting to bed so late last night. Then about nine-thirty I hear knocking at my door and its Billy, asking if I wanted to go with him looking at garage sales. I said, "Give me a chance to get cleaned up and I'll go with you." So we rode our bikes around the lower Avenues looking at garage sales and it was fun being with him. Damn it. Billy didn't find anything but I bought a Chinese wok for fifty cents. Coming back to the apartment Bill also asked for me to go with him out to the airport. He needed to mail a last minute package back to his Mom in New Hampshire for her anniversary which is this Monday. We also stopped at the Greek Soulvaki place on 3rd West which was on the way. It’s the best Greek place in town and I treated Billy to some Yeeros and Shis kabobs. This was the first meat I have eaten in weeks. For most of the Summer I was a vegetarian. I had a really sweet time with Billy but when it was over I had some time to reflect on "Where is my relationship with Billy going?" The Answer is "Nowhere". Billy Bikowski. You are a cute shit but a shit none the less. After Billy left me rather than sit home and mope I rode to Smith's on 8th South bought some herbs, then went to Cahoots to buy a greeting card for Troy Holmberg and Billy. At Smith's I saw Mike Pipkin and he went with me to Cahoots. While walking with me over to 9th South we discussed forming a Christian Fellowship Group because we are both discouraged at the direction Tony Feliz is taking the Restoration Church. I didn't feel like going home so I asked Mike if he wanted to go to the show. He had other obligations so I went by myself to the Tower Theater next door to Cahoots and saw "Ruthless People".  It was a cute flick, nothing really exciting but of course Bette Midler and Danny DeVito were good together. Afterwards I rode back home and watched a little Saturday Night Live before going to bed a little after midnight.

Additional Material-"Higher Love"  by Steve Winwood is number one song on national charts.

31 August 1986 Sunday

Well Russ Lane did it to me again. He went straight for the heart but this time it did not sting because I don't love him anymore. This morning there was a note slipped under my door from Russ criticizing my actions at Affirmation and questioning my judgment. He asked me not to say "fuck" at the meetings because it was offending people. I steamed and thought you pompous prissy son of a bitch. He would not have dared to have written the same to anyone else at Affirmation. I know now that Russ will never ever support me or accept me as I am even though I have always been totally supportive and accepting of him. It so conjured up memories of me being at BYU when I could feel my roommates thinking that I was good but not good enough. Fuck It! I am so totally this close to writing off any Mormon I know at least the males. They are totally without feeling. How many times have I heard Russ say how fucking great he thinks J. Golden Kimball was for cussing but I guess that's different! That's just part of the folklore and Mormon fucking culture. Well fuck off and eat me royal, Russ. Take Affirmation and shove it right up your uptight Mormon ass. After sitting down and recovering from the note's implications I wrote Russ a note right back saying that I was resigning from the fellowshipping committee and that I was sorry if I'm offending anyone. I wrote “it’s ironic that other people are just as offended seeing the words Gay and Mormon together”. I concluded saying that if people can't say "fuck" then maybe they shouldn't be doing it either! After that blowout, I spent the rest of the last day of August cleaning my dirty house, dusting and polishing. In the afternoon I did find time to head down to Liberty Park to soak up some more vitamin D while I can. With August over, Summer is virtually gone. The grass at the park was heavy and thick and the day was more cool then warm. While I read the Sunday paper I realized that I didn't want to hear any more depressing news. It’s too disturbing. Since I was so near the Metropolitan Community Church, I went to church and saw Candy Steele there. She asked for my wife's new address and said that there's an opening out at the women's prison where Candy works if Fran was interested. The Metropolitan Community Church’s service was good and Rev. Bruce Barton left me with something good to think about as usual. I take what I need and I leave the rest. It was a small group today probably because of Labor Day Weekend. During one of the hymns I was so moved that I wept. I am such a weeper anymore. After the meeting, upon leaving, I saw a little yellow tan dog just like Toby laying on the grass and it made me start to cry again. I've got to get my emotions under control but I miss my dogs so much. When does the healing begin? Life without Sam and Toby is unbearable. After riding back to 4th South, I saw Russ walking towards Affirmation carrying a fan and a box of literature. It melted my old stone heart when I saw him like Ichabod Crane, balancing both items, because of his devotion to keeping the Gays at Affirmation comfortable. He truly is doing the best he can but still I don't have to let him browbeat me either. I spent the evening laying on my sofa in my darken apartment listening to my old albums; the Guess Who, Crosby Stills and Nash, Simon and Garfunkel, Jefferson Airplane. I had lent my tape recorder to Ken Rasmussen early this week so he could use it to interview people so I just played songs on my stereo phonograph. Ken said that Jon Butler was out of town. I wonder where he went off to? I wanted to talk to Jon because I feel like we are drifting apart. I want to keep in touch with Mark Lamar also. I did call Fran to let her know about the position out at the prison. She said she went to her Bishop today to get permission to get financial help from LDS Social Services about her depression over me leaving her. Around nine-thirty  tonight  Billy Bikowski called me and said that he didn't make it up to Park City after all nor to Affirmation. I said I didn't attend either. Then I asked him he wanted to come over and have some peach cobbler that I baked today from the peaches I purloined from Roberta Street and for a back rub. I didn't think he would but he wavered and came over about ten-thirty and spent the night. We watched some television and visited and he told me about the really bad day he had. I told him I had a shitty day too. So we commiserated and talked about Russ Lane and John Cunningham from my high school days. Billy then surprised me and asked me how much am I still in love with John. Then he went on to relate a story he had read in the newspaper about a little old lady who had just died in the Hotel Utah. Evidently her husband and she were there in the 1940's for Christmas. They had a brand new Cadillac filled with Christmas packages which she parked in the underground parking when she was informed that her husband had died of a heart attack. She left the car and packages locked in the Hotel Utah garaged and lived in the hotel for the rest of her life. Bill said that John Cunningham was my "car and packages" and that I won't go on with my life. I said well that may very well be true but if I let John go, who will take his place? You? Besides I love John still, so why should I let the memory of him go? I also said that while I may have one car locked up you have a whole fleet of them. He laughed. Ken Rasmussen of all people knocked on my door at 1 in the morning and I invited him in to join us and finish watching some movie. I gave him the rest of the peach cobbler and made some nachos for to snack on. Ken only stayed until 2 and after he left I laid down with Billy on the carpet and listened to some more music. I had Billy take off his shirt and I massaged him body first with an alcohol rub then with lotion. His body was rock hard tense. Perhaps that is why he's so intense. Well I am past tense so I will write more later.

SEPTEMBER 1986

1 September 1986 Monday Labor Day

Bill Bikowski was stirring about 8 this morning and watching some TV so I went and laid on the couch next to him with my head in his lap and fell back to sleep until ten. Then Bill said he had to leave but he wanted me to go with him up in the mountains.  I would have given anything to go with him but I had already committed myself to playing Dungeon and Dragons with Alma Smith and Stephen Baustert. I really feel like I should keep my commitments even if I really wanted to be with someone else. Later I realize I should have gone up into the mountains because gaming wasn't all that fun and it took way too long. However Mike Pipkin called me around 11 and said he wanted to do something with me so I invited him along to play Dungeons and Dragons. I was a walking zombie anyway. As we walked over to Alma's place near 13th South and Main I related to him what Russ Lane had written to me about not saying "fuck" at Affirmation. Mike was dumbfounded and said that he had just been over to Russ' apartment last Friday night. He said he just wanted a massage and some more information on Affirmation when Russ seduced him and had Mike fuck him! But he won't let me use the word! Unbelievable. Besides all that, here I thought I was over Russ but after hearing how he lets every stranger fuck him but not me who really loves him, I was really hurt and can barely stand it. Frank Fatah was at Alma's also to play and when I told him about Russ's admonition letter to me, he said that I had every right to be upset and he thinks Russ has been offensive himself, calling Lesbians "Dykes" once. My mind was everywhere but into playing Dungeons and Dragons and so Mike and I left in the late afternoon to walk back home. There I fixed Mike and I some dinner and afterwards he left. I then went and flopped on my bed and cried. To show how truly sick in the head I am, I wanted to have sex with Mike Pipkin just to be with someone who had slept with Russ. "Russ Lane get out of my life! You are poison to me!" If I keep saying it enough maybe I can make it happen. Russ be gone! Dear Heavenly Parents what fucked up kids you have so please forgive Russ and me.

Additional Material-Greg Garcia was elected Master of the Wasatch Leather Men Motorcycle club replacing Les Emmett.

Financial troubles beset the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. The Foundation was staffed by three unpaid volunteers, a director and two health educators. Dr. Patty Reagan is the director. The State health department refused to provide any financial help to the foundation. Reagan had submitted a grant proposal for $88,000 to produce video tapes and public service announcements about the risks of contracting AIDS from the Centers for Disease Control money given to the state for AIDS prevention. The Grant was refused. She then reapplied for money just to pay for the phone information line and was also refused. During the first year [1985-1986] the SLAF had answered over 500 calls and gave over 25 speeches.  Reagan claimed that the state health department questioned her credibility because she promoted condom use. “They said if I’m promoting condom use, I’m promoting homosexuality.”

2 September 1986 Tuesday

Russ Lane has broken my heart again and I'm feeling very much like I did in 1970 when John Cunningham rejected me after I told him that I loved him. A part of me is hurting in a region of my soul that had never healed from that day. At work I did not have anything to do with Russ and I think I am going to have to drop out of Affirmation. After work I was too edgy to stay home and stare at four walls so I went bike riding. I intended on going to Overeaters .Anonymous on 48th South and Main Street in Murray but the weather turned cool and I only had shorts on so instead I rode over to John Howell's place. After watching some television and visiting with him it finally dawned up me that he's such a dud and probably an alcoholic. I will always have pleasant memories of John Howell though, but it's time to move on. Upon that realization, I rode home, decided to work on a picture I am painting. I'm calling it "Moon Gazer". I was not inspired to do much with it so I tried typing up my journal from 1974 and I began thinking of my Mom and about nine-thirty at night I decided it was time for me to be honest and truthful to her. I wrote my mom a long letter this evening explaining to her why Fran and I separated and that I was Gay. Well the die is cast. How will she receive it? ““Dear Mom This letter is very difficult to write and I'm sure it will be hard for you to read but I feel like it’s time that we really communicate. I just reread one of my old journals from back in 1974 when I was home from BYU. I was getting ready for bed because I was leaving early the next morning to go back to the Y and you came in to my room, sat on my bed, and wanted to talk to me but we had little to say. I wrote in my journal then that we felt estranged because I had turned Mormon, and we couldn't talk and we both felt sad. Mom I love you so much. I want you to know that first of all and it's time your son talks to you. Mom I am a Gay man. I have always been Gay since my earliest recollections. Perhaps you knew that I was different. Maybe dad did too but didn't want to deal with it. Mom its nothing you or Dad did so don't even begin to think that and it’s nothing I did either. Donna didn't chose to be left handed and I didn't chose to be Gay either but I've always been like a left hander person struggling to be right handed to live in a right handed world. And the guilt and shame was unbearable. I had to protect you and Dad from ever knowing me because I was so afraid you wouldn't or couldn't love me anymore. I tried to have God make me straight and was the perfect Church of Christ boy and when that failed I became the perfect Mormon boy but that failed also because all I was trying to do was fix something that didn't need fixing. Christ is still my best friend and he loves me as I am so although I know you will have concerns about me going to hell I want you to know that I've been in hell for thirty-five years and am finally coming to terms with who I am and it has set me free. But I'm not writing you about that. I just feel like I have been wrong by not letting you know me for all these years. But I was afraid so I ran off to Utah to keep my life at a distance from you. I had to love you at a distance because I've been afraid all these years that if you knew that I was Gay you and dad wouldn't love me anymore. But I am at peace with myself now and with God so I'm not living in fear anymore. Fran knows I'm Gay. She knew it before we were married but when Fran and I married I did not know that being married wouldn't cure me being Gay.  Fran would still be with me now but I sent her away because she deserves to be loved in a way I never really could. I still love Fran and consider her my best friend, but I'm not "in love" with her. I've only been in love with other men. John Cunningham and Mike Allred were two that you knew. John I still love and hope to be with again someday although he's an alcoholic I suppose from denying he's Gay. I almost killed myself over John and being Gay. Remember the time in college in Fullerton, when I came home and just cried in your arms but couldn't tell you why I was crying? It was because of being Gay and not being able to cope with it. Even getting fat was an attempt to sublimate my feelings. I am not that sexually active but have come out of the closet here in Salt Lake City. I have many new friends that are supportive and I'm more physically active then I have been in my life. You can't imagine how it feels to be with people you can really be yourself with. I'm an extremely affectionate person much like you Mom. I'm more like you and Grandpa Johnson then I ever thought I’d be. I have a gift to make people feel comfortable, at ease, and liked. Only when I was suppressing my feelings was I the cold person you always saw. I was so uncomfortable even being around you because I felt like I was living a lie and that you would not like me anymore. I'm really glad that God sent James to Dad to be the son I never was. Dad really wanted a son not some artsy book worm. I am sorry mom if this letter is distressing to you. But it’s time now to be truthful. I'm careful about AIDS but I realize being Gay the possibility does exist that I could catch the disease. That is one of the reasons I sent Fran away as to never place her in a position where she might get infected. If I do get sick and something happens to me, I do want you to know there's a peace that comes with acceptance and that peace is worth everything. My life was always a mess, Mom, because I could not deal with being Gay; but now that I have accepted myself, and even love the person I am becoming, I don't care what life might have in store for me. The grave is the final destiny for all of us anyway so if I don't make peace with myself what is life worth living for? Mom I want you to know that my Gayness is a gift from God. It makes me artistic, creative, sensitive, loving, understanding, compassionate, and so much more. It also makes me more sympathetic to those others who are society's rejects.  Mom I don't know how well you will handle this news but it’s time to stop protecting you from the fact that Frank Welte sexually molested me from the time I was 12 until I was 17. I always felt great guilt because I enjoyed it. But still I recognize I was a victim of child abuse by a trusted family friend. Frank did not make me Gay any more then Phil Casas next door did. I was always Gay but denied it until I fell in love with John Cunningham. My love for him was so total and yet we never had a sexual relationship. I knew then that I was Gay not because of the nature of the way I enjoyed sex but because I fell in love with men. I can't help it. I even went into therapy at BYU, prayed until I thought my knees would blister, and I even tried to kill myself because I despised myself for bringing shame to myself and our family. I felt like I failed God. But I've come a long way and at thirty-five years old I can never go back into the closet. I don't want you think that I'm going to start wearing women's clothing, and I don't lisp, or act like any of the awful jokes you always hear. I'm involved in a relationship with a 25 year old wood carver. He's special to me but he's dealing with his own issues of being Gay and Mormon. I think I have resolved that I can't stay within the Mormon Church because of their stance against Gays. I am active in forming a Christian Fellowship group of Gay men and women based on the structure of the Church of Christ. We have no paid clergy, just sing songs, read the scripture, have sacrament, and that's it. I am through with people telling me what Christ expects me to do. I go directly to the source now and talk with the Savior myself. I feel more in tune with the Spirit then I ever have. Mom you know deep in your heart that I have always been different from other boys. Now you know why. I am sorry if any of this hurts you. It’s not my intention. I just want to dismantle the wall between us but if you feel more comfortable with it up, I can understand and respect that too. Keep Fran in your heart Mom. She's still your daughter-in-law and the only one you will ever have. She is going through a rough patch not living with me. I wish I knew how to make it right for everyone. I just don't know how. I cry a lot lately. But that's good. The pain and the healing comes out through the tears.  I don't want to leave the impression that I am unhappy. For the first time in my life I am at peace with myself. My tears are for Fran, Sam and Toby. They always loved me just as I am. I better close and get ready for bed. I'm tired from so many people coming over to my place to talk to me. I bought a ten speed bike and I ride it everywhere. I am down to 190 pounds. Thirty more and I will be where I want to be. I do love you. Your Son- Edgar Jr.” After writing her, Billy Bikowski called me and I took a deep breath and told him that I loved him. The "kiss of death" for any relationship I want. I can't write anymore right now, my heart is in my throat and I am choking back some tears.

3 September 1986 Wednesday

It was such a horrible day at work that I really don't want to discuss it at all. It all is surrounding the fucking computers acting crazy all day. Gena said she was close to firing Russ Lane herself. He's screwing up again. I told her I don't care anymore, that I am not here to defend Russ so do what is best for her and the department. Russ did this totally to himself and I don't have to feel guilty at all.  I worked until 8 o'clock trying to get the searches out that were all marked today. Afterwards I rode over to Roberta Street to pick some more peaches. There's still no one renting the place and the place looks really bad and over grown. Well if they wouldn't have been so greedy and helped a little with the utilities we wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get out of there. No that's really stupid. We had to get out after the dogs were gone because the place was unbearable without them. When I arrived back at the apartment, Jon Butler and Jim Pincock dropped on by. We visited until ten and they said they had first went up to Russ's apartment to see him, but he wouldn't let them in saying to them that he had an Affirmation investigator with him. I wonder if Russ will lay him too? Jon Butler and I are very serious about forming a Gay support group for married men. I need to call John Cooper to find out who to talk to at Crossroads Urban Center about using their space. Anyway Jon and I got into another Mormon theological discussion and I said that Joseph Smith said that after we die we will go to the place where we will be the most happy. As far as I am concerned happy is happy and therefore we cannot be unhappy in heaven. We won't be unhappy because we are somewhere other than the celestial kingdom. Jon left scratching his head.

4 September 1986 Thursday

Nothing spectacular to report at work. The computers are working but Russ Lane and I aren't talking. I had to laugh when Troy Nichols announcing how much he hates this one girl in the recording department. He said to me "I'd rather fuck you then Lori" and I just winked at him and said , "Of course you would." After work Mike Pipkin came over to visit and I fixed him some dinner. We also watched Bill Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court. He brought over a record so after our shows were over we listened to Bette Midler's album "Mud Will Be Flung Tonight!" We talked about Mitch Golden and Russ Lane for much of the night. Mitch is this married man who, like me, has come out of the closet but unlike me he has about ten kids. He's kind of playing the field now and Mike Pipkin got burned by being one of his flings.

5 September 1986 Friday

It was a very uneventful Friday. I didn't do anything special, except bottled and canned the peaches, that I'd picked from the old house on Roberta Street. I also just watched Twilight Zone and some television while straightening up the house and doing a load of wash. Whoopee. Then Bill Bikowski called and asked if he could come over to spend the night because he's power is turned off. I have never refused spending time with Bill, yet, because I never know how long it will last. He slept on the couch and I went to bed.

6 September 1986 Saturday

I spent much of the morning sleeping in and didn’t notice when Billy Bikowski left. It rained a lot today and the weather has changed to much cooler and more fall like. I typed up a lot of my journal from 1974 when I was attending BYU. Boy was I ever a screwed up kid. Geez. I just watched televisions this evening until Bill Bikowski came over late again. We stayed up talking until way into this morning like to sleepy heads, who don't have the sense to go to bed. Naturally he spent the night here again because his lights have been shut off and he doesn't like staying there after dark. I love Bill so much but I know he doesn't love me but perhaps I can help him get over his tremendous guilt about being Gay and get well enough to be able to love someone else, if he can overcome the angst of being homosexual and being inactive in the LDS Church. I do believe I am sowing where someone else will reap. But he does make me smile.

Additional Material- "Venus" by Bananarama is number one song on national charts.

7 September 1986 Sunday

After Bill Bikowski left this morning, I cleaned up the place some and then went to Liberty Park to layout and read the Sunday Paper. Around 3:30 in the afternoon it started raining pretty hard so sun bathing was over. I rode my bike back home in the rain, and then took a hot shower. I felt so much better then. I really didn't want to go to Affirmation's Pot Luck tonight, but Bill Bikowski called and talked me into it. So I made some candied carrots and Richard Lamborn drove Bill and me up the Unitarian Church on 13th East. It was our first meeting in the building after the Metropolitan Community Church vacated it but the church hall seems so cold and spacious compared to coziness of the Crossroads Urban Center. Russ Lane upon seeing me came up and hugged me but I pulled away from him. I'm not there to support him anymore. I am just attending Affirmation to see my friends which he isn't. Besides sitting with Bill made me feel alive inside. I don't know anyway else to explain the euphoria I feel being by his side. How to describe Bill Bikowski? An article in the July issue of Utah Holiday Magazine described him as having chiseled features and that's pretty accurate. He's over 6 feet, lean, angular, without an ounce of fat. Wiry more than muscular. Large hands suited for a sculptor and large feet if you get my meaning. With broad shoulders accenting his narrow waist, he has a beautiful Slavic Eastern European ruggedness. His blond mane is shaggy and makes him appear more boyish then his 24 years. He has bright blue eyes and a smile that would melt down nuclear reactors.  He is so beautiful to me because I love him. At Affirmation I spoke with people about forming a new support group for married and separated Gays and there was a lot of support for the idea so I will go ahead with it and get the ball rolling.

8 September 1986 Monday

I was really dragging most of the day at work because Bill Bikowski spent the night again and we didn't go to bed until 4 in the morning. While his lights are turned off he's going to be spending the nights here for a while. At work Troy Nichols kept coming to my cubicle and telling me how handsome I looked because of the way I dressed. That was flattering. At noon I took my lunch break and walked down to the crossroads Urban Center where I met with Mike Ortega, the director. Mike is this dark handsome Gay man with a fantastic mustache. He gave me the go ahead to meet at the center on Wednesday Nights from 7 to 9 at night. Other than that, it was a rotten day at work. Anyway came home and fixed some dinner for Bill Bikowski and Jon Butler. I had invited them over because I knew they are both kind of broke right now. After eating Bill left and Jon and I decided to go up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. We were late so we peddled like mad up to the U of U, climbing up hills, leaping over steps, laughing all the time. We were two old farts racing up the hill but it was so fun and funny. Out of breath we finally made it to Orson Spencer Hall where Jake Smit led a group discussion on Safe Sex versus Social Change. Jake was engaged, intense and handsome as ever and his talk was very interesting but I mainly came for the socializing. I saw a lot of people I knew, Jim Hunsaker, Lyle Bradley, Graham Bell, Mike Anderson among others. It was a big turnout at least 40 people. I announced at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union the formation of Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians for those in that situation. I think this new group will do some good.

9 September 1986 Tuesday

I went to the dentist in the afternoon and had two cavities filled. It took two hours and my mouth is still sore but Dr. Russon did try to be as painless as possible. He also said that the x-rays showed that I didn't have a tumor in my jaw after all. Pwhew! Fran called after work and I am still missing her company. I miss sleeping with her. Could I live again with Fran as a celibate Gay man or be resigned to falling in and out of love with other men? Bill Bikowski is spending the night again and at 11:30 tonight we walked over to his apartment on 9th East to pick up his mail. It was cool and damp out and we just had a lot of fun singing songs on the way over as we danced along the darken streets only illuminated by the night lights glaring off shiny wet pavements. On the way over we passed Russ Lane coming home with some trick. That barbed my heart momentarily but I was with Bill and that was wonderful. I still care what Russ does but being with Bill makes me more than happy. It was fun being silly with Bill, seeing him jump like a kid to hang from low tree limbs. After coming back to my place we stayed up late again to watch David Letterman and I held Billy in my arms. We are back to what Billy calls "Square One". I love him more than he loves me. I love the smell of musk on his body, the fragrance of his hair. I want to make love to him so much and kiss him but he just wants to be friends and if I pursue it too much I'm afraid I'll lose him so I'll abide my time. We didn't get to bed until 2:30 in the morning. We are just owls.

Additional Material Robin LeRoy Jacobsen, interior designer, was born April 14, 1941 in Salt Lake City to Joseph Maxwell Jacobsen. Robin graduated from the University of Utah with a degree in Fine Arts. He died September 9, 1986 in Manhattan, New York of AIDS.

10 September 1986 Wednesday

I woke up at seven this morning, got up from the couch and went to lay with Bill who was sleeping in my bed. As we were snuggling he said that he felt "uncomfortable" so I went back out to the living room and slept there with my feelings hurt. I sobbed a little but asked God for serenity to accept Bill as he is and whatever. Bill must have felt badly because he then came out to be with me and we talked. We decided that it would be better if we don't see each other for a while. I suggested a week but he didn't want to wait that long. So we "compromised" and I agreed to Bill's decision not to see each other for a day. It rained this morning which did not help my melancholy one bit. At work I was pissed off because Tony Scarborough was being a real ass by jumping all over me about some things so insignificant so asinine just to throw his weight around. I told him I didn't like his attitude and went straight to Bob Elcock, who had Ed Rogers, one of the owners in his office, and told Bob to tell Tony to leave me alone. I was justifiably pissed but may have been over reacting because being so tired from lack of sleep and mentally exhausted from Bill's games.  I did meet with Bill during my lunch hour so I could cash his check for him. So much for not seeing each other for a while. He looked so cute in the bright red sweater that I had given him. He said that he's going up to Snowbird for a job interview as a commercial artist. After he left, I didn't see or hear from him for the rest of the day which turned out to be cool and crisp. Fall is definitely in the air. I was rather spaced out most of the day anyway because while talking to Gena I heard the fatal news. She is finally letting Russ Lane go because of his screw ups. I am so depressed but Russ did this to himself. Almost feeling like Russ is a condemned prisoner, but Gena is totally, totally justified, so I am not going to fight this one for Russ. So goodbye Russ. Why am I so fucking depressed over this? Why oh why should I be? I have this overwhelming sensation that I want to hold Russ and make it all better for him but this time I can't. God's Will Be Done or Gina’s. Perhaps it is even for the best for him and me. I talked with Jim Pincock this evening about going out for dinner some time and also called Mark Lamar and we gossiped concerning Tony Feliz. I told him Bob McIntier is upset with me because I said that Tony can't take a shit without having a revelation. I spent some of the evening gathering some things together to give back to my wife. I wish Bill was here. My place seems empty without him. I do love him and miss his association. Change, change, change. All around me. So appropriate that Russ will be leaving now since he was my springtime and now it's fall.

11 September 1986 Thursday

I slept in until 8:45 this morning because Bill Bikowski hadn't spent the night and it felt so good. I then jumped in the shower and dashed across the street so I could be at work at 9:00. I am still bummed out about the fact that Russ Lane is being fired. I guess Gena told him the news because he looked so pitiful. I want to hold him and protect him but how can I? And further more I am not sure that he even wants me to anymore. Fran called this morning saying she broke a tooth and was at the dentist. I gave her our insurance information and told her to have the dentist bill me. Since she has her own key to the apartment she had dropped by the apartment while I was at work to pick up the items I had gathered for her. She left a note saying for me to take care of my raggedy butt. At work, the more I obsessed about Russ the more I felt like I had to at least try one more time to save Russ' job. So, at lunch I sat with Gena and told her that I don't want Russ fired and if she will keep him I'll take over the entire Recording Department's computer entry work. She said that Russ has to pull his own weight or be gone. I said I understood and I guess I knew there was little I could do. I guess for myself I had to know that I tried everything I could to save his job. Now it's totally up to Russ. He must represent something in my psyche because I just don't want to let him go. Is he a vicarious John Cunningham? Oh I got my excommunication letter in the mail today from Bob McIntier. I wasn't formally ex'ed but more or less they want to take my membership a way because I wasn't supporting the "prophet". It sure didn't take them long to start exercising unrighteous dominion and being Priest-crafty like the mother church. Well why not, it’s all from the same root of Joseph Smith's ambitions. Tony Feliz is just following the same pattern, getting the members to support him because he has the authorized keys of heaven. After coming home from work I was missing Bill Bikowski so much that I called him twice but he wasn't home. Troy Nichols dropped by my place this evening and we had a good visit. He said that everyone in the office knows that Russ is getting canned and he thinks that Russ was getting the ax because he's too openly Gay and can't keep his hands off some of the guys at work. Troy is such an affable young man even if straight. He's about 21, blond, cute and stocky and really funny. He calls Gay guys "screamers" and I think that is so funny the way he says it. I told him that I've been thinking about going to Germany next year to teach and to travel but I didn't tell him that I know it's just because Bill Bikowski is going there that I want to go. Troy left around 9 after fixing him some dinner. Bill called afterwards and that brightened up my evening. I wanted him to come and spend the night and he agreed to come but he said first that he was working late and had to go see a client before he could come over. I said that was fine. Then he went on to say that he had met someone at the Health Spa yesterday who he also wants to go see and also said that tomorrow he's going out with some new friends of his. That completely sank my boat and I said well then I'll see you later. I've got to find out exactly where I stand with Bill. If there is absolutely no way that he's going to become romantically interested in me then I need to know it in black and white so that I can get on with my own life. There are other people out there. I would like to start dating Mike Anderson now that he's broken up with Duane Dawson. Well Bill came over about 11 and I said we needed to talk about us. That of course made Billy uncomfortable but said he agreed that we had to discuss our relationship. I said that I needed to hear from his own lips that he could never love me. I said that I needed to hear it or otherwise there would always be hope in my mind, no matter how small, and that hope would thus prevent me from getting on with my life. Bill then came over, sat near me on the sofa, held my hand, and said that he didn't see the probability of his ever falling in love with me. Well, it's now out in the open and it was what I sensed all along. I now know that Bill won't ever love me, and while in a way it was a relief to hear finally the truth; at the same time, it made my heart a lead stone and I no longer could even feel my body. Bill then continued to stay up and watch David Letterman, but I leadenly  went to bed, perchance to dream, to escape and perhaps even to experience a little death. Billy Joel's song "It's A Matter of Trust" keeps going through my head. "Some love is just a lie of the heart, The cold remains of what began with a passionate start, And they may not want it to end, But it will, it's just a question of when, I've lived long enough to have learned, The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned, But that won't happen to us, Because it's always been a matter of trust. Some love is just a lie of the mind, It's make believe until it's only a matter of time, And some might have learned to adjust, But then it never was a matter of trust. I'm sure you're aware love, We've both had our share of, Believing too long, When the whole situation was wrong, Some love is just a lie of the soul, A constant battle for the ultimate state of control, After you've heard lie upon lie, There can hardly be a question of why”. I know I will miss the beauty that I wanted to see Bill create with his artistic talent but I guess God has other plans for me. Please grant me serenity.

12 September 1986 Friday

While I was just finishing my shower Bill Bikowski came to the bathroom door to say Goodbye. We talked briefly and I wished him a good day. We hugged and I said "Goodbye" with Bill saying "I will see you soon". In my heart I said, I don't think so. As he shut the door on my heart, I walked into the darken bedroom and the hot tears came like a flood. I cannot take anymore losses this year. I am not getting involved with anyone and am just throwing myself into my work and getting “Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians” going. Work was difficult for me and during all my breaks I came home and cried. After work I decided that I'm going to get drunk tonight, I mean really drunk- Smashed, which would be the first time in 7 years. The last time was when I was love sick over Gary Ratliff when I worked at the Special Events Center at the U. I asked Troy Nichols if he wanted to go with me tonight to The Sun and he said sure even though he's straight. I don't have a membership but I said I'd find someone to sponsor us and I did with Scott Mills. Anyway we first went out to dinner with Jim Pincock, Jon Butler, and Scott Mills at La Frontera on 4th South and it was yummy. No one makes better Chili Verde, not since La Paloma closed. Coincidently I saw Frank Fata, James Conrad and their friend Paul eating there too. Paul had just gotten back from Germany and as it turned out he was the guy that Bill wanted to meet at the Sun to talk about Germany. I was glad to see Paul because it dispelled some of my jealousy because I knew that if I wasn't Bill's type then neither was Paul. After dinner, about 9 o'clock Scott Mills took Jon Butler and me to the Sun on 2nd South and 7th West. Jim Pincock didn't want to go to the bar so he left, and after signing Jon and me in, Scott also left. Jon and I did a quick scan of the place and it was not very crowded yet. Jon then tells me that he has to leave but would come back for me later. So there I was, sitting alone in a Gay Bar for the first time and I started getting drunk as fast as I could order the White Chablis at $2.50 a glass.  I had about 6 of them throughout the night but I must admit I began to lose count. I had come basically to the Sun to get drunk for one reason and that was to see for myself what attracts Bill to this place and to see for myself how Bill acts when he's not with me. Does he have more fun? Is he more relaxed? More in love with pretty boys his own age? If I could see how he acts when he's not around me, I thought to myself, then it would be that much easier to make the break with him if I knew that he's happy. We had signed Troy Nichols in when we first came and about ten I see him coming towards me. He brought me out to the dance floor and was so cool and non judgmental. I was way too wasted to be dancing so I when I saw Scott Wallendorf I threw him and Troy together. Scott had come down from Ogden with Mike Burton. After dancing with Troy through a set of songs, Scott badgered me to know all about Troy but I had to let him know that he's straight. Scott then told me that if Troy ever wants to "walk on the wild side" to have him call Scott. Anyway eventually I see Graham Bell and Jim Hunsaker from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I thought to myself Hail, Hail the Gangs all here! All we need is Beau Chaine and we could form a fucking Alumnus Club of the School of Bill's Broken Hearts, or at least form a lonely heart club. First there was Graham Bell, then Beau Chaine, then Jim Hunsaker, then Scott Wallendorf, and finally Mike Burton. Bill, Bill, Bill. Billy the Heartbreak kid. Finally near 11 o'clock I spotted the star attraction on the crowded dance floor and my sorry booze soaked heart just groaned again when after spotting me he flashed an alluring smile. However I recovered immediately because he was quickly lost in the dancing gyrating throng. So spying Billy on the dance floor wasn't fatal. I had simply taken my heart out momentarily and it was frost bitten by being too close to cold, cold hearted Billy. To thaw I continued to get smashed on antifreeze and complained to anyone poor sod who would listen. However there was only one person I wanted to truly be with but alas he doesn't love me. Bill, Charming Billy. Charm, deadly charm. I love you Bill but I'll live. This too shall pass and if I can survive John Cunningham I am insurmountable. Eventually I reached the point that I was embarrassed that I was getting so inebriated but I think those whom I sat with simply knew I had to be;  just had to be. Scott Wallendorf commiserated with me and said that it had taken him a while to get over Bill but finally he doesn't love him anymore and furthermore he will never allow himself to love Bill again. He also said that Mike Burton didn't want to play head games with Bill either and that's why he dropped Billy. Later I even saw Graham Bell corner Billy outside on the patio and while I couldn't hear anything I could tell from his grimacing that Billy was on the receiving end of Graham Bell's fiery wrath. I did hear later from those who were close to the blistering, that Graham said that he's going to try and get Bill barred from the Sun. I hope Bill doesn't believe that Graham can do that. Anyways near 2 at closing, Bill looking pretty rejected, tracks me down because I had been avoiding him all night and he tries oozing his deadly charm, plying it all around like snake oil. I was not mesmerized by his hypnotic eyes, this time, because he mistakenly let his attention slip from me, to say something briefly to this girl, and I slipped away into the departing crowd. I was able to make the great escape and found Troy who took me home. Both Frank Fatah and James Conrad, who are now dating, were so sweet to me tonight as was Scott Wallendorf. Jon Butler was wonderful too. He only came to the Sun to look after me and to see if I would be okay. When Troy dropped me off at my place I instinctively kissed him goodnight. What an El Bizarro evening. I am drunk still. Blissfully drunk. Anesthetized from the agony of my bleeding heart. As the Mikado's Daughter in Law Elect knew so well, "Hearts do not break but sting and ache for old love sake but do not die." Billy Hello-Goodbye

13 September 1986 Saturday

When I finally woke up, I was groggy and perhaps still a little bit drunk. I only got out of bed because I wanted to watch Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse at 9 this morning. Jon Butler then came down from his apartment this morning to see how I was doing as did James Conrad and Frank Fatah. That was very sweet of them. I must have really been a mess. James has moved into the building above Russ Lane right after Jon Butler moved in. I tried resting for most of the day even though I didn't have a hangover or anything. I tried straightening up the house a little, when in the afternoon Bill Bikowski calls me and I thought "Oh Shit!" after I heard his voice and realized it was him. But he was sooooo fucking charming, and said he wanted to check if I was okay. I had no resistance to his toxic charm and I gave in again. I am back to square one. There's no getting over you. But I am more in charge now because I now know I have nothing to lose anymore and perhaps everything to gain. After his phone call I left the house to go grocery shopping for most of the afternoon. I also bought some baking pans that were on Sale at Oscos. In the evening Jim Pincock came by and we talked for a while. I can tell that he is after me. I think. I like Jim and all that but would be hard for me to fall in love with him. Or maybe not. Anyway stayed home this evening except riding to the Safeway's on 4th South and 9th East where I bought bananas on sale. At home I watched some of the Miss America Beauty Pageant for some of the night before turning it off to write a poem about Billy. “You came to me, Lighting up my summer nights, Warm, starry, moon drenched nights, You came to me, You came to me, Nights filled with sweet sensuous sounds, Hot sweaty, nocturnal sounds, You came to me, You came to me,  Blazing brightly in the skies, White luminescent in the sky, You came to me, You came to me, I stare at the trail, the tail, Cool, fading, no more tale, You went away. You went away, Staring into the velvet void, Cold, repelled by the abyss, You went away, Come back to me, I shall wait, watching the skies, the murky, dimly lit the sky, Come back to me.”

Additional Material-Feminist/Lesbian folk singer Alix Dobkin performed at the First Unitarian Church on 13th East.

• "Take My Breath Away"  by Berlin is number one on national charts.

14 September 1986 Sunday

It's strange how things turn out after just one day because Bill Bikowski and I spent the entire day together. I initiated it after waking up early about seven and calling Billy at eight. I asked him to come over for breakfast and he must have been hungry because he agreed but said that he was still sleepy but he said that he'd come over about ten. So after preparing some fried potatoes to cook later and getting things ready, I decided to take a stroll over to his apartment because it was such a beautiful morning. The air was cool and fresh smelling. At his place Billy was just getting up, so I sat against the wall and I waited for him to shower. After he was ready, we walked back down to my place where I fixed Billy a big breakfast of pancakes, hash browns, bacon, and eggs. After getting Billy fed I mentioned to him that I heard that Beau Chaine was moving from his place on 8th South. Upon hearing that, Bill wanted to walk over to Beau's to see him because Beau had put Billy up for a few months last Spring when he first came out of the closet by way of  Beau's Gay Help Line. Walking with Bill down 6th East, we visited about a lot of things, his work, Park City etc anything but us. I would not address my feelings for Bill, figuring that I am happy just being with him and I mustn't have any expectations of anything more happening between us then this. Beau wasn't home and on the way back, across from Trolley Square on Sixth East, we spotted this cute young dog who just wanted to play. So Bill stopped and played catch and tag with him as I lay on the grass and watched them play. Both were such magnificent young animals sparkling in the September sun. It was such a beautiful last days of summer, spending time with my Saturday friend. When we reached the Juel Apartments, Bill said that he wanted to go home to do some chores so I said that's fine because I wanted to go to the Metropolitan Community Church to hear Satu Servigna preach anyways. Bill said he'd meet me at the Metropolitan Community Church but he didn't make it so I sat with Alma Smith who had shaved off his scruffy beard and looks so nice. I saw Scott Wallendorf sitting towards the front at church but I really didn't get to talk to him because I left Church before it was over so as to attend Affirmation. I had to walk so it was a climb up the escarpment to 13th East from 6th East to the Unitarian Church.  At Affirmation I was surprised to see such a large turnout. It was a good meeting and only wanted to slap Russ Lane a couple of times so I must be mellowing out. Ed Benson, my retired school teacher friend was sort of a Fireside Speaker and told of his various experiences through the years and those he loved. He's sure been through it. Well we all have, in various ways. Bill Bikowski came in late and seeing him made the evening pick right up. Just walking into a room makes that room seem to glow. Bill gave me a ride home from Affirmation and we sat out in the car in front of the building and discussed whether Bill should come in or not. I was really tired and not up for this head game so I said either come in and spend the night or go home. It's that simple. He decided to spend the night and I was glad.

15 September 1986 Monday

It was payday thank God! I am so broke. Only cleared $535 but that's okay. All goes to the bills. I wrote a poem today. Not sure what muse is poking me in the ass to compose. It’s called “Golden Angel Golden Angel” and it summarizes my disenchantment with organized religions. It was slow at work and this may be Russ Lane's last week. I hope not. After work I rode my bike down to Liberty Park for the Lesbian and Gay Student Union's BBQ. The Lesbian and Gay Student Union was fun and I got to know Jim Hunsaker a little better. It was the last meeting in Liberty Park for the summer. It was very cool, almost nippy. After the Lesbian and Gay Student Union was over I went home and Bill Bikowski came over to spent the night. I went to bed near eleven-thirty after Bill had baked some bran cookies in my kitchen. I so enjoy Bill's company. I wish he enjoyed mine as much. Bill is moody again but at least he's working and being productive. I've got to get on with my life. Bill and I will never get anywhere. After ten years of marriage, I need affection in my relationship and Bill won't even kiss me.

Additional Material-Decorated war hero and Mormon Leonard Matlovich was diagnosed with AIDS.

16 September 1986 Tuesday

I came home during my lunch hour and made some bran muffins and corn chowder. I even gave Russ Lane a muffin. Love is the greatest motivating force in the Universe. I suppose hate is a close second but cannot ultimately overwhelm love. About 5 o'clock, while I was still at work, Bill Bikowski called and I invited him over for dinner. I knew that he was still working at Granite Mill so I said just come over for dinner then go back to work. Mark Lamar also called me at work and told me that he received his excommunication letter from the Restoration Church today and we both laughed! What a joke, we both agreed that it didn't take them long to start exercising unrighteous dominion and rejecting the despised and rejected themselves. At home I fixed a turkey mushroom sauce to go over the rice and served corn chowder with corn muffins for dinner. When Bill came over to dinner he brought some of his wood carving over for me to see and they were exquisite. I do love the soul of an artist. Bill loved the corn chowder which made me happy. He only stayed from 6:30 to 8:30 and that was okay because he hadn't planned on staying even that long but after he ate, he stretched out on the floor like a long graceful cat and I laid down beside him kneading his body until he relaxed. It was so soothing and peaceful for the both of us. Then about 8 o'clock Scott Wallendorf pops by to get some money for a pledge that Bill made for an AIDS Awareness Marathon. I guess he figured out if Bill wasn't at his place that he would be here. Even though I was glad to see Scott, his showing was inopportune because Bill and I were feeling so mellow together, one of the few times. As we were chatting Scott relates that he meet this muscle man at the Spa and they fucked. The way Scott said it was to rile Bill and from Billy's profile I could tell it bummed him out. I guess Scott was in a mood to get his digs in. He also gossiped about things Mike Burton and he did that were like barbs to Billy. After getting his pound of flesh Scott left and so did Bill, back to work. I spent the remainder of the evening writing out checks to pay bills and then when I was getting ready for bed, Bill called about 11:30. He's explained that he was still at work and I asked him to come spend the night no matter how late because I'll be sleeping on the couch and I'd let him in. He showed up about midnight looking so forlorn. I took him into the bedroom where I made up the twin bed for him. There he put his hand on my arm and had me lie with him in bed. In the still of the night Bill let me make love to him tonight until he was spent. Was it because of me or because he was so upset about with what Scott Wallendorf had taunted him? It doesn't matter. I love Bill and will have him in any way he allows me to have sex with him. After he fell asleep I went out to the front room and slept on the sofa very confused.

17 September 1986 Wednesday

This morning Billy Bikowski was so cute sitting on the sofa sporting a woody that he was embarrassed about. He kept musing why he had such a flag pole. Work was uneventful and Bill was supposed to show up for dinner but when he didn't I said “fuck it” and went off to John Cooper's Affirmation Group. I hadn’t been there in months. Evidently instead of turning the stove off, I accidentally turned the burner on high. Billy came about 15 minutes after I left for Affirmation, smelled smoke and got the manager to let him in. He aired the place out. Then he left me a cute note in some kind of funny dialect which read:  “Baynhameen: Vy dit you go foa so lounga? I came hea to yaw apahtment und fount funny nouses comingk frahm eensyd Krachen Kracken poof und hiss. The I hea funny noyce like toyfiah enjun or maybe. Vas is dis? I go hea. I go dey lookingk foa yoo. veah is dis raskel? I come back. Hea krackle krackle poof und hissn. I get key und come een und find smoke. Ich su lieben. Vat dis mean I don know. Eet zounds so gut. So sorry for mess enn yua apahtment when smoke clear it will be cleaned then ya? Da? Gut. Villiam Bikofvski. When I got home I really felt stupid leaving the pan on the stove. About ten at night Willy Marshall, who had just returned from Europe, dropped by and smelling the smoke in the apartment asked me if I was trying to burn down the building. I felt like a dope. After he left Billy later came by and spent the night.

18 September 1986 Thursday

I spent the evening writing letters to family and friends, watched a little television and went bike riding. Again Billy Bikowski slept over. Since we broke up we are together  mare than ever. It’s crazy.

19 September 1986 Friday

How crazy has this week been. Bill Bikowski has spent every day over at my place this week but we haven't had sex since last Tuesday. Bill's been going to work and so have I and the drama has been kept to a minimum. I was so pissed at Bob Elcock at work that I fumed out of the office and went home for the last half of the day. The bastard said that he's had complaints that Jon Butler and I spend too much time talking and not working. I said that's bull shit and that I am more productive than anyone in the office. I told him that his "favorite" Bill Shelton was an incompetent ass.  I was so mad that I went home so I don't know whether Russ Lane was let go or not. Right after work, Mike Anderson swung by to pick up Jon Butler and me for Sy Felt's weekend cave exploring party. Sy lives in Provo and planned an excursion to the Nutty Putty as an Affirmation activity. Sy lived up near the Provo Temple north of the BYU Campus and has a nice spacious home that he rents out to roommates. There were a lot guys from Affirmation spending the night and we had a fun evening. I chatted with Erik Streckler's roommate Mike about the Restoration Church. At midnight the slumber party at Sy Felts was still going strong and we watched "Clockwork Orange" and "Making Love" which is that movie about a married man discovering his homosexuality and the breakup of his marriage. After watching it I became upset about Fran,  that I went out into Sy's backyard and cried and cried. Mark Crux saw me and came outside. He held me, and cried a little also. After I got that out of my system, I went back inside and got ready for bed. Derick Kaufman and John Cooper slept downstairs, Alma Smith slept with Sy and I slept on the couch. Mike Anderson slept on the floor beside me, and Mark Crux and Brad Townsend slept on the floor in the front room also. To say we all slept in, is an understatement because all we did was gab all night, and telling ghost stories. I told them the experiences Fran and I had in Murray Waggoner's old house on 13th East. Then of course we talked about cute boys, then sex, and then religion. It was nearly 4 in the morning when we finished that topic and we all started to drift off but never really a deep sleep.

20 September 1986 Saturday

It's been over 24 hours without sleep and I am so wired. Mike Anderson  and Mark Crux, and I talked until 7 in the morning when the others began to stir. By 8 we were all up and awake. Mike Anderson began to fix pancakes and sausage for breakfast. Erick Strickler dropped in for breakfast and then Richard Morris, this cute boy, came over about 9 for the caving expedition. We watched Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse, and while Mike Anderson and I thought it was a hoot the rest just groaned. About 11, we headed out to the cave which was somewhere southwest of Goshen, Utah. I rode out with John Cooper, Mike Anderson, Richard Morris, and Mark Crux. We had a good time singing show tunes and simply enjoying the gay camaraderie. Sy Felt, Alma Smith, and Derrick all went in another truck. When we reached the site, which was a rock outcropping surrounded by a sage brush desert, we climbed this rocky hill, where we saw the cave opening. The cave is called the Nutty Putty and I had no idea that it was just a small hole in the ground. I thought that it was going to be a walk-in cavern. All my alarm buttons went off and I really didn't want to be crawling through this small opening but I did. It got worse. Once in the hole I had to shimmy through a five foot long crawl space that even though I wasn't that fat, I had to place my arms over my head to get my shoulders’ width through the tunnel. I barely made it and almost got stuck. It was extremely anxiety producing and when I scooted through to the small cavern where the others already were, I found myself in a dark hole were stifling stale warm air was blowing dust from somewhere further down in the cavern. I felt like I couldn't breathe properly to calm down, and grit was getting underneath my contact lenses. I really felt claustrophobic and finally I said to the others, "Sorry Guys this is not fun, go on without me."  I then held my breath and pushed myself back out along the tight tunnel and climbed back out into the sunlight. I felt like I was wimping out but I just couldn't handle the enclosed tomb like feeling that was my experience in the cave. The others were so sweet and understanding so while they crawled and slithered through the bowels of the earth I stayed on top lying on a rock outcropping, soaking in the deep blue sky and exhilarating in the sweep of the puffy clouds overhead. It felt so great breathing fresh air. After being underground even my clothes felt too confining, so I peeled off all of my clothes and sun bathed buck naked drenched in the rays of the sun. Maybe I do have sun deprivation syndrome or severe claustrophobia. Anyway the rest of the group stayed exploring the cave for about two hours and when they surfaced I was already dressed and ready to help them out. No one acted like I had wimped out but rather even congratulated me for doing the hardest part which was just getting into the cave. I was the heaviest of the group with a 36 inch waist but even Sy who is considerably slender at a thirty inch waist, said that even he had a difficult time and he's an experienced spelunker. Anyway they all appeared resurrected covered with dirt and grime but triumphant. We all shared an adventure and that bonded our little band together. After the cave we headed back to Sy to rest before heading back to Salt Lake City. I traveled about 150 miles today and haven't really slept since Friday morning. Back in Salt Lake, Mike Anderson wanted to stop by his place to get cleaned up before taking me home. While changing his clothes I chatted with his mom, Clarisse, and around 6 some straight friends of theirs, Jeff and Patty, wanted to go out dancing. Mike's mom had never been to The Sun and she wanted Mike and I to take her. So even as tired as I was I said sure. Mike let me change into some of his clothes and that was fun going through his wardrobe. I never had a brother to share clothes with so never had been able to do that with anyone else. I let Mike wear my fedora and he looked like an Amish boy in it. He was really cute. We couldn't find someone to sponsor us at the Sun until nearly ten so we went to the In-Between first. The bar was hosting a drag show benefit for the Metropolitan Community Church. It was okay if you are into the Royal Court. Only one or two entertainers were any good. But it was fun and it was our first drag show. The show was over at ten so we moved out to the dance floor. Mike was gyrating to "It's Raining Men". I couldn't keep up. From Backstreet we went down the street to the Sun and found someone to sponsor us in. I put the cover charge on my tab and we stayed at The Sun until 1:30 in the morning.  The place was packed so we danced in a group, feeling exhilarated and alive. I danced every dance running on pure will power and adrenaline. Mike Pipkin was in the crowd and when he saw me he screamed and came running over to hug me! He was so excited and it was embarrassing but funny. I danced with Clarisse and Mike Anderson all through the night. Clarisse is an attractive woman in about her mid forties, and she is so cool but how bizarre dancing with both mother and son, often at the same time! We called it a night as the place began to close and after being dropped off I finally crawled into my own bed at 2 in the morning.  What a Saturday! And yet I am still missing Billy.

Additional Material- Donny Eastepp and the Royal Court held a fund raiser for Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church at the In-Between. The Metropolitan Community Church made their final payment on the equity buy out on the church building at 853 South 600 East for $9,262.12. The New chapel is now home of spaghetti nights, dances, and other meetings.

• A Women’s Dance sponsored by Resurrection the Metropolitan Community Church
• "Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis & The News is number one song on national charts

21 September 1986 Sunday

My Summer is over in so many ways as today is the Autumnal Equinox. This morning Craig Hunter called me around 6 Ugh! He said he wanted to drop by and I said give me until about ten. I was still groggy and hoarse from screaming all night at The Sun over the clatter and din of reveling Gays. Shortly after that, Stephen Baustert called and woke me up again but now it was nearly ten. Doesn't anyone sleep in on Sunday mornings anymore? Stephen wanted to know if I wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons with him and Alma Smith. I said I'd get back to him on it. I was glad that Stephen called because I needed to get ready for church at the Metropolitan Community Church and for Craig who was knocking on my door almost as soon as I got out of the shower. He said he hadn't seen me in a while and wanted to know what was going on with me. He also wanted to tell me some gossip about the Restoration Church's General Conference which he had attended yesterday. He said that Pamela Calkins announced officially that she is forming a polygamous marriage with Lynn LeMasters, and Leanna Anderson  and Carole Dee! Ha! And everyone thought it would be the men who wanted polygamy back. Craig said that Tony Feliz, Pamela Calkins, and John Crane were all sustained as a type of First Presidency with them being Prophets, Seers, and Revelators. What else is going on inside that church I don't know or care. I'm happy if they are happy but the church isn't anything I am interested in anymore. After Craig's bit of news I said it would be fun to go to Memory Grove for a picnic after the Metropolitan Community Church. He said he didn't want to attend church so I said I would met him in Memory Grove later. The Metropolitan Community Church starts its new hours today with a split schedule. There's an eleven o'clock meeting and a six o'clock one. I can't go to the later one because it conflicts with Affirmation so I headed down to the morning service. I walked out after 20 minutes because Bruce Barton is doing a High Liturgy Catholic like service and I couldn't handle that nonsense. I may be Gay but give me plain and simple worship. So I left and went back home where almost as soon as I walked in the door Scott Wallendorf called me. He wanted to talk about Bill Bikowski and to say that he was sorry for acting like he did that day with Bill. He said that he was just acting out on some hurt feelings. I said that I understood completely. However I said that I couldn't visit long because I was meeting a friend for a picnic. After Scott hung up, I rode my bike over to Craig's place on 3rd East just south of the 7-Eleven on 1st South. From his apartment we walked to Memory Grove and it was a beautiful autumn day. We spent about two hours on the nature trail just chatting and listening to the City Creek burble. There were lots of cute hunks on the trail cruising. Craig told me that he doesn't like going to Affirmation because Russ Lane keeps coming on to him, and Craig is just not interested in having sex with him. The cutie did say that if I was available he'd want to have a relationship with me. I told him I was flattered. Craig is extremely handsome with chestnut brown hair and dark blue eyes and the sweetest smile. I didn't get home until 3:30 in the afternoon after leaving Craig and the phone was ringing off the hook as I came through the door. I pick up the receiver and it was Mom! Am I freaking out or what!? As we visited over the telephone, we came around to the contents of the letter I had sent her earlier in the month. She said that actually Dad was handling the news better than her. She said she cried for two weeks but Dad finally told her that I was the same boy and that nothing had really changed. Mom said they talked about it and realized that they always knew, deep down, ever since I was a child. Mom told me that they loved me and to be careful. I think the fear of me catching AIDS is what is really freaking her out. But it's out at last. I'm thirty-five years old and Mom and Dad finally knows that I am Gay. After getting off the phone with Mom, I was feeling really weirded out and felt like I needed to talk to Fran. Maybe it was because she's the only one in Utah that knows my parents. I called Fran who is living now with Tony and Wanda Fillman and she started in on scripture bashing me. I told her to stop and that it just didn't matter to me anymore. I became upset with her and told her that it looks like I've given her a cause to crusade. We have always been star-crossed lovers. Whenever I was up she was down and back and forth. Since I could tell from our conversation that she was turning fanatical on me I ended the call. Anyhow, right after that, while waiting for Mike Anderson to give me a ride up to Affirmation, Jon Butler dropped by. I hadn't seen him all weekend even though we live in the same building. No sooner than Jon is in the door, then Bill Bikowski lands on my doorstep and I invited him in. We only were visiting for a few minutes before we were interrupted by someone else knocking at my door. It was Scott Wallendorf!  Finally Mike Anderson swung by to take us up the hill but Bill said that he didn't want to go. Instead he said he wanted to stay behind to talk with Scott. Affirmation was well attended and good. We all broke up into smaller groups by topics because of the amount of people attending. The topics of the groups were Gay Fathers, Coping with Being LDS and Gay, Relationships, and a catch all group without any specific topic. I went to the relationship group and bitched about Fran and Billy. It felt great. After Affirmation, a bunch of us headed down to Village Inn on 9th East to chat some more. At Village Inn, Jon Butler said that Russ told him at Affirmation that he was fired last Friday. "Another blow upon the bruise". I sat with the group until about ten-thirty even though I was dying to get home to be with Bill, knowing that he was waiting for me. However when I got there it was not a good scene. Bill said that after spending the evening with Scott he still had some strong feelings for him, and as we talked he said more or less that we won't be anything but friends. He said that while he needed the things that I can provide for him like the use of my bed, he didn't think he could become romantically involved. I was devastated, and thought My God what is the use? What is the use of talking anymore? I am all talked out. He wanted to explain some more of his feelings but I sent him to bed and I slept on the sofa too tired, too leaden, too weary to continue on the conversation with Bill. I've got to cut my losses and go on with my life. I got to say goodbye. How to say Goodbye? God grant me the serenity...Oh fuck it. Goodnight.

Additional Material

Pamela Calkins, Lynn LaMasters, Carol Dee, and Leanna Anderson are all sealed together as wives

22 September 1986 Monday

It's a blue, blue Monday. I woke up sad, depressed and near tears knowing that Billy Bikowski and I have to split up. I heard Billy Joel's song "It's a Matter of Trust" come on the morning music alarm and I just broke down and wept. It really is our song for sure. When Billy woke, he came out into the front room and sat on the sofa near me and tried to talk some more from where we left off last night but what more is there to say? I left for work not looking back at him. At work I was so bummed out because Russ Lane wasn't there since he was fired last Friday. With everything we've been through I always knew I'd get to see Russ every day. But no more. It seemed so quiet, even dead at work without Russ's lively antics. A lot of people told me that they were really upset that Russ was fired. There was no real reason for it either except for Bob Elcock's prejudice and Gena's bitchiness. All day I was ratting on all the fuck ups of Bill Shelton, Bob's wonder kid, that I use to just correct. I threw them in Bob's face, and there were some really major screw ups and all Bob would say was that everybody makes mistakes once in a while! And I thought Shit, Russ made a mistake and they fired him over it. Anyway like I said it was a blue Monday for me.  I came home right after work tired from the weekend. I didn't do anything with any one tonight and just talked to Fran over the phone. She was not so fired up as the other day. I didn't ride my bike this evening because it was a very cool day. So I just watched a little television because some of the new shows are on. I watched “ALF”, “Amazing Stories”, and a Loni Anderson's made for TV movie called "Stranded". It probably would have been good if I wasn't so tired and emotionally drained. So I turned off the TV, laid on the Sofa and listened to my stereo until about midnight. Anita Baker's Sweet Love, Billy Joel's Matter of Trust, and Berlin's Take My Breath Away just seem to be written for what I am going through with Billy. Drifting off to the haunting strands of Sweet Love, I struggled to my feet and went to bed. After all it's my bed not Billy's but God it still has his scent. Bill, Bill, Charming Billy. Why aren't you here with me? I would take care of you, love you and your beautiful talent. But I understand that you must find someone that you can love. I feel like I am always sowing where others will reap.

23 September 1986 Tuesday

Today was still a bummer at work without the presence of Russ Lane. At lunch I broke down and went to his apartment to see him. He said he was glad to see me and we just held each other. I told him while at times I know he didn't like me and I didn't like him either, we have gone through far too much together not to pull together when things are falling down all around us.  I held him in my arms for the longest time, and damn if he didn't make me pre-cum my pants. Why does he still excite me so much? Anyway I am still feuding with Bill Shelton and Bob Elcock but I am getting tired of it. When I came home from work, Bill Bikowski called me and wanted to come over for dinner. I said great but first I had to go over to Craig Hunter's to get his twin bed that he doesn't want anymore. Jon Butler, the sweetheart, helped me get it over here in his van and now I have a bed for Bikowski. The bedroom is tight now with only about a three foot space between the beds.  Bill came over about 7:30 and because I didn't have much in the house, I just fixed pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Bill was being funny and weird and said that he wanted to eat dinner in the dark. Not by candlelight mind you but actually in the pitch darkness. It was so bizarre groping in the dark, trying to feel for your food and not pour syrup off your plate into your lap. We laughed all through dinner and a few times I grabbed him, and Said "Oh excuse me I thought you were desert". Anyways it was fun and something out of a Woody Allen movie, I suppose. I just love being with Bill. It's like an adventure every time I'm with him. Anyway after dinner Bill took me over to Sears where I bought some sheets and a comforter for the new bed. While we were making up the bed and goofing around on it, Scott Wallendorf called from Bountiful. He wanted to talk to Bill and then, even though it was raining, Bill wanted us to go out dancing so at 11 at night we drove down to Backstreets where we met up with Scott. The three of us were only ones there dancing in the front bar. Tunes like Madonna's "Poppa Don't Preach" and "Venus" were playing over the sound system. Bill was so cute prancing on the dance floor and I was in heaven being with both Scott and Bill. It was crazy for sure. Scott then said he had to leave at midnight to get some sleep because of his early morning classes. I was sweat drenched and exhausted myself but Billy wanted stay a little longer so we continued dancing until 1 in the morning. I don't know where I got the energy to keep up with this 24 year old athlete. God knows. I’m probably running on the sexual energy charge I get from being with Bill.  When we finally left Backstreet, we stopped at Smith's on 2nd South and 7th East to got something to drink before going home where we watched the end of David Letterman. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 2 on the floor lying next to Charming Billy at my side.

Additional Material 

Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 39. The Lord affirms the ordination of the first apostles and instructs the Church to continue building the Council of the Twelve, organize a missionary conference, and begin city dedications starting with San Francisco. Apostles are declared “Special Witnesses” and “Watchmen,” empowered with sacred sealing authority. Feliz is called to assume duties previously given to another who was removed, and prior promises made to that individual are now confirmed upon him. The apostles are instructed to study prior revelations for further guidance in evangelizing and building Zion. 

24 September 1986 Wednesday

I am so fucking tired and I was dragging ass at work all day. But the time passed and at lunch I went over to see Russ Lane again. He was feeling blue so I held him then talked him into letting me give him a massage. I got him out of all his clothes and rubbed him all over with oil over his entire nude body, a body I still love but Russ just doesn't want to have sex with me for whatever reason. Still I got to play with his ass while massaging him. Why does he still excite me? Funny. Anyway while I was working him over, I started kidding with him and acted like I was trying to seduce him. He protested like a school girl. I think he was flattered by so much attention and it was fun and I suppose I was a little devil to be making him so nervous. After work, I went grocery shopping and picked up cookies for the Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians group tonight. Bill Bikowski came over at 6:50 just as I was leaving to ride my bike over to the Crossroad Urban Center to conduct MADGAL.  I had him come in and said he could stay while I had to leave. The first meeting of MADGAL consisted of Jon Butler, Guy Larsen, Mark Crux, Craig Hunter, Derek Kaufman, Alma Smith and myself. We discussed forming a charter and we agreed on how to set up the group. That took until about 8:00. and for the rest of the meeting, we talked about relationships. I think this little group is going to work out and be successful. I'm committed to it and I hope and pray to Heavenly Father that He will bless me with the resolve to be committed to this group and that His Spirit will attend it although we threw out almost all mention of God in our charter. We kept the "spiritual awakening" aspect as one of the purposes of the group. I was pleased with that. After the meeting I rushed home to Billy. We visited a little before Troy Nichols came over at 9. He was "high" on dope and wanted something to munch on. He knew I always kept something in the house for company. We visited for a while and he said all the girls at Utah Title are talking about me being Gay. Cripes! God grant me serenity. Billy didn't say much and was in a strange mood so he left at ten, to go be by himself. I don't know if he's coming back or will spend the night at his apartment. Change is in the air and it kind of frightens me. I'm frightened for Russ Lane and I am frightened for me. I am so very uncertain about the future but will trust in God and bless his Holy name.

Additional Material

 Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 40, during his regular morning prayer. The Lord reaffirms a previously received vision of the Church’s progress and provides further instruction. Feliz is confirmed as Presiding High Priest, Presiding Patriarch, and Prophet of the Church and Kingdom; John R. Crane is confirmed as Presiding Evangelist and Patriarch to the Church. The revelation affirms the spiritual authority of the Apostles and Evangelists to minister to Israel and call people out of Babylon. A future Presiding Bishop will be revealed to govern the Aaronic Priesthood. Apostles are charged to lead missionary efforts, not administrative ones, while Elders are instructed to “feed the sheep” and Aaronic Priesthood holders are called to learn and serve. All sealings for the dead are prohibited until a permanent temple is dedicated. Further revelation is promised once the Saints demonstrate faith through obedience.

25 September 1986 Thursday

I am still bummed out at work. I don't know what's in the air but I feel a change swirling over my head. Maybe it’s the unseasonably cold weather. Maybe it’s affecting people strangely. Utah Title is just not the same without Russ Lane but I just do my assigned work and don't care anymore about being there. I made homemade pizza tonight and invited Russ Lane, Jon Butler, Troy Nichols, and Bill Bikowski over for dinner. Jon never showed up but the rest said it was really good. I watch Cheers tonight and it was outrageously funny with Sam Malone proposing to Diane. Then I received a frantic call from Mark Lamar who was in mental ward of the VA hospital. He said that he got into a fight with his boyfriend Bill Cowsert and flipped out. He said it was nothing serious but he needed to see me. So I got Troy Nichols to drive me up but by the time I arrived it was after nine and the attendants wouldn't let me in. Troy had already left so I walked home from the VA Hospital and by the time I reached my apartment Bill had left and he had the keys to my apartment. So I went upstairs and waited at Russ Lane's. I was there until eleven-thirty when Bill came back to the apartment. While in Russ' apartment I was able to hold Russ again and gave him a massage. When Bill showed up I was able to get to bed. Bill also spent the night. It was a cool, wet evening.

26 September 1986 Friday

What a depressing and boring day at work. It was so slow and there's no Pizzazz anymore. I couldn't wait for the day to be over. When I came home my apartment manager, Chuck Brown, said that Bill Bikowski had given him some trouble regarding some corn that had been stolen in front of my apartment. Bill had asked me this morning to set the corn outside for him after he had forgotten it. Before Bill could come and get it someone had taken it. My manager said that he didn't appreciate Bill's attitude, and I was really mad at Bill for ruining the carefully cultivated relationship I had developed with Chuck and Edna my homophobic managers. Bill really disappointed me because I could get kicked out anytime my apartment manager wants. Mike Anderson called me and asked if I wanted to go do something together. We were going to go to the movies but since nothing good was playing we decided to go "bar hopping." We went first to the Deerhunter on 3rd West and about 7th South. It's a macho bar with just a bar in the center and a pool table. I was not impressed at all. It was just butch men trying to pick up on other butch men. Boring. I did see LeGrand and Lon Wright while I was there. They were playing pool. Lon was still cool and distant to me. I supposed he's pissed at me because I am still friends with Jon Butler, and he's still in love with him. Mike and I had a cooler at the Deerhunter. We were pressed up against this one wall while others sat at the bar. Guys passing down the middle almost had to grind into you to get by.  We only stayed about 1/2 hour because it was beginning to get too crowded. Mike then wanted to go see where Jeff's Gym was so we drove to 17th South and 7th West. Neither one us had ever been inside and while driving by, this cute man in a passing car winked at me. Mike and I just laughed and were having such a good time. Next, we cruised by the Magazine Shop on Main and Broadway. We parked and went inside to look at some Gay magazine and to see who was cruising who. From there we ventured over to Radio City and since nothing was happening there, as usual, about 9:30 we ended up at the In-Between on 2nd South and 6th West. There I saw John Howell sitting at the bar getting smashed. He didn't see me and was not expecting to see me I suppose. Bruce Barton and his lover Bruce Harmon came in after us and when they saw us on the patio they came and sat with us. Bruce Barton and I had a good Gospel discussion and I feel like I've gotten to know him a little better after tonight. We grew closer because of that conversation and I truly feel that he has a genuine sweet spirit, and who cares about the spiritual welfare of the entire Gay community. He said how hurt he feels when he is criticized for being at the bars because some think that as a minister he shouldn't be there. However as he said this is where the people are and he has to go to them. After the “Bruces” left, and seeing Mike catching the attention of some guy, I went back into the main bar to say hi to John Howell. He was surprised to see me and when I sat on the bar stool next to him and we began to visit. When Mike sauntered in looking for me, I pulled him aside and told him that John was an old flame from last Summer but there's no way we could develop a serious relationship because he's way into alcohol and I'm not. Still he really turns me on. So I sat back down next to John and we started kissing. I tingled all and it felt good to be kissed passionately by someone who wants to kiss me. Russ Lane and Bill Bikowski both really did a head trip on me. I am attractive, and there are people who do want to make love with me and to me.  Michael Anderson then suggested that we ought to be getting to Backstreet if we wanted to go dancing before it gets too crowded. So I left John there sitting at the bar fingering his drink. Outside, the street was still wet from the rain we had earlier and it had turned really cold, about fifty degrees. But Mike and I were running on high energy. As we were walking towards the entrance of Backstreet on 5th West and 1st South, Mike started freaking out because he saw this kid named Dennis who was a psychotic former boyfriend. We stood out in the cold until he left and then we went inside. We discovered that Backstreet was rather dead for a Friday and there weren't very many there dancing. We ordered another drink, surveyed the crowd. It was a rather dismal showing. We danced a little and mingled until about 12:20 in the morning when psychotic Dennis showed up again. So we sneaked out and went back to the In-Between. I wanted to be with John Howell again anyway. So John and I sat at the bar and made out and I didn't care about being discreet or anything. I was starved for affection.  About 1:30 I came back home to get my keys from Bill Bikowski who was spending the night there. I think he was shocked when I left to go spend the night with Mike Anderson rather than being with him. While sleeping over at Mike Anderson's place, it got chilly. I know Mike wanted to stay up and talk but I was so tired that I went out like a light sleeping on the couch.

27 September 1986 Saturday

I saw Clarisse Anderson, Mike's mom in the morning and she told me that her divorce from Mike's dad was finalized yesterday. I took a quick shower at Mike’s and then Mike said we were going to the circus however after checking he found that his work only gave him one ticket, we decided not to go. Besides I said that there was so much to do for Billy Bikowski's birthday tomorrow. I have a cheesecake to make and to get his presents. Mike said he's take me to the West Valley Mall where I bought Bill some Bugle boy pants and a nice shirt at Penny's. Mike helped me pick them out so I think Bill will like them. While standing in line to have it gift wrapped, I had picked out this chic black and purple wrapping paper, and this woman then comes up to me and says pointing to the paper I picked out, "Isn't that hideous?" I just laughed inside and thought "Yep I picked the right paper if Ms. Mormon thinks it's awful. After getting the gifts wrapped Mike and I cruised the bathrooms at Penny’s where this cute guy wanted to be picked up but we were just out to have fun, so we left the poor guy frustrated. It started to rain about 2 in the afternoon as Mike and I decided to go to the Conference on Human Sexuality that was being held in the Hilton Hotel on 5th South and 2nd East. The three o'clock workshop was on Homosexuality and there were more than one hundred people in the conference room. All the local support groups like The  Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, Affirmation, the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, People Who Care, Married and Divorced Gay and Lesbians, and the Triangle Magazine had representatives there. I saw Richard Morris, Russ Lane, Bob McIntier, really just about everyone I knew. It was very informative and I spoke up several times about personal issues but through Overeaters Anonymous I've learned, "So what?" Watching Russ Lane in action I've come to the conclusion that he is such an unaffectionate person around me in public. I just don't understand him. I've got to release him with love. Whenever we are in public he acts like he hardly knows me and that he's not really with me. Anyways after the workshop Mike Anderson and I went grocery shopping at Smith's on 8th South and it was raining. Then we went to Cahoots on 9th South and 9th East where I bought the cutest card for Bill Bikowski’s birthday. Mike and I spent most of the day together shopping for Bill and he left at about 7:30 in the evening after a long and busy day. Bill dropped over while I was in the kitchen getting things ready to bake the blue berry cheese cake. He said he needed his check cashed. I said have some soup first before we go to the store, for I had made some homemade mushroom soup. It was excellent served with crusty bread. Perfect for a rainy Autumn day. We went and cashed his check and then came back home. I thought we would be spending the evening together but that fantasy was shattered when he announced that he had plans to go to the Deerhunter Bar and then up to Park City. That hit me like a sledge hammer in the guts. He doesn't really want to be with me. So he left at eight-thirty and I sat in the living room and watched the Twilight Zone. I baked the cheesecake and finished it but all the joy and love that I was putting in it was gone. My heart was just weary. Mike Pipkin called me, before I could get too depressed, to say how blue he was over being dumped by Mitch Golden. He said however that work is going fine and he will be moving out of Beauchaine's place sometime soon and he was wondering if there were any opening in my building. I told him I think there were a few. After hanging up with Mike Pipkin, Brad Townsend called to see how I was doing since hadn't really visited with him since the Nutty Putty expedition. He said that he was in a car accident yesterday but he's okay. Finally, around ten Scott Wallendorf called me and I don't know what his problem is. One minute he's ragging on Bill, saying what an Asshole he is and then next he's telling me that I should take care of Bill as part of my Christian duty. The real blow came to my heart when Scott mentions in passing that Bill and he were always affectionate with one another, kissing, and even that Bill slept in the nude with Scott. Scott then revealed that Bill has to be forced to have sex, and the only time Bill and he really ever did anything, Scott had to initiate it.  He also said Mike Burton dropped Billy because he wouldn't play Bill's head games. Scott's "confessions" were so awful to me. Is Billy as innocent as he pretends, or a deceitful user? I don't want to be used again like Russ Lane did, can't go through that again. Stop the world, I want to get off.

Additional Material-

Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 41, answering how the extraordinary mind‑over‑matter abilities seen in some Eastern religions relate to the Keys of the Kingdom. It teaches that the true nature of humanity is light/intelligence, that faith is the creative power of God, and that mortal progression requires mastering mind, spirit, and body until they are sealed together through the restored fulness of the Holy Priesthood. The revelation outlines the Celestial‑law principles (Agency, Obedience, Sacrifice, Love, Consecration, Stewardship) that empower such faith, and commands that these sacred doctrines be discussed only within the Temple. 

Mitchell Golden born 4 February 1951 died 12 October 2001 of AIDS in San Francisco, California. 

Royal Court of the Golden Spike Emperor X Scott Stites and Emperor XI Robb Bullock presented the Royal Court’s AIDS Awareness Week. The court raised nearly $4,600 for AIDS education and services for people with AIDS.  Money to be used to assist people with AIDS and support various AIDS service organizations.  Emperor Bullock stated, “ I think it’s a hell of a reason to bring people together, but it has. People care because they might be affected and their friends are affected. And they recognize the need to do something.”  A ten mile marathon kicked off the event. 

The Sixth Annual Family Sexuality Conference held a workshop in Salt Lake City as part of a local observance of National Family Sexuality Education Month. The workshop was entitled: Homosexuality: A Closer Look. Dr. R. Jan Stout, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Utah’s Medical Center and Lanelle McCollum, a psychotherapist were main facilitators.  Dr. Stout made it clear that the preponderance of evidence suggests that homosexuality is neither a matter of choice nor a question of identifiable environmental factors.  Instead, a homosexual orientation seems to result from some developmental biological factor or from being imprinted as a very early age.  Dr. R. Jan Stout born 20 May 1936 died 25 Sep 1993 of cancer in Salt Lake City. A friend of the Gay Community.

"Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis & The News is number one song on the national charts

28 September 1986 Sunday

Today is Charming Billy's 25th Birthday. I slept in until ten this morning feeling rather melancholy and morose about Scott's revelations night and Bill Bikowski's wanting me to cash a check only so he could go out looking for men at the Deerhunter. I did get up and cleaned the apartment because I had to get things ready for Bill's birthday party today. I fixed the Clam Chowder, and decorated Bill's cheese cake with blueberries and whip cream. I also made a crab dip to eat with the crusty bread and crackers I bought. Everything ready for him, and yesterday he said that he would come by at noon. So I waited, napping on the sofa and trying to keep the soup warm and the cheese cake chilled. Finally at 1 in the afternoon Bill calls me and he knew that I was upset. He said "Let's go for a walk through Memory Grove so we can talk" and share his birthday together. I said "that would be nice", so I got dressed to go outside in the chill, and waited for him to come by. I lay back on the couch, resting and wondering where could he be? The hours ticked away. 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock. No Billy. So at 6 o’clock, feeling the most rejected I ever have in my life, I left the apartment. I had to get out or go insane looking at my dining table brimming with his presents and birthday dishes. I decided to ride my bike down to the Metropolitan Community Church and as I was riding I met up with Jon Butler. He could sense that something was terribly wrong so I told him that Billy didn't show up for his birthday party. Jon looked so incredibly sad and reached out to me and said "I'm so sorry Ben". I feel like such a fool. I met Mike Anderson at the Metropolitan Community Church and we only stayed for about an half hour, mostly for the singing. I was in so much heartache pain that I couldn't sit still. Mike wanted to go to Affirmation but I told him that I was feeling kind of low and really wasn't up to going to Affirmation. So I rode my bike back home and about 7 Bill calls me. Hearing his voice, I slam the phone down without speaking a word to him. He calls back, several time, but I would not answer the phone. I was so fucking hurt. The cheesecake's has been left out on the table, the whip cream has run flat, and the clam chowder is cold. It seemed so pathetic. I lit the fucking candles and turned the lights off. Sitting in the glow of the burning candles, I started crying uncontrollably. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. A little after 7:30, the door buzzer is screaming at me, so I get up from the sofa to answer it and there Bill and Scott Wallendorf are standing at my doorstep. They are all peppy and wanting me to go out with them. I could not even believe their cruel audacity. So there they stood and I stood there not inviting them in. I just say "No" and begin to close the door on them when Billy starts oozing his charm, vulnerability, and the surprised child hurt look that more or less asks "why was I being so mean to him?" "What did I do wrong?" "I don't understand." The whole works. When he wouldn't leave I said in the most emotionless voice I could muster, "Bill, I don't want to deal with this now. I can't deal with this now. So just go away. Please leave." But he still won't leave and he begins to fucking analyze what was happening, like whether I have the right to be upset with him and I am standing there going fucking crazy. I pulled out some old Overeaters Anonymous jargon and said, "Analysis is paralyzes. If you think you are any kind of a friend Bill you will leave right now." And again he keeps hanging on, and I keep saying "No I will not discuss this. Go Away". Seeing that he would not leave I went over to the dining table, grabbed his present and thrust it at him and said "Here! Happy Birthday." All awkward he says, "I can't take this," and I said, "I never had to return a birthday present in my life." When he knew that I was not going to let him in and would not discuss why, he and a very sheepish Scott left finally about 9. Immediately I burst into tears, broke open a bottle Red Label Scotch. I had to get drunk or die. So I drank and cried in the darken misery until about ten when Mike Anderson, Brad Townsend, and Mark Crux came over to see how I was doing. They said they were so sorry but by then I was blissfully drunk and my pain was anesthetized. Spying the Cheesecake, I said go ahead and eat it and after Mark revealed that it Bridget Bardot's 52nd birthday. So we toasted her and celebrated. Mike said that I needed to get out and away from the tragic scene so we went down to Village Inn to be with others from Affirmation. Being drunk I didn't much care where they took me. I sat with Beauchaine and when he heard what Bill did to me he was upset and said that Bill is dangerous to a person's mental health and well being. Beau and I then toasted all the fucking Billys in the world. I then told Mike that I had to clear my head, so I walked home from Village Inn. Coming into the building, I encountered Russ Lane and I slammed the front door in his face. Sick of him too. Goodnight.

29 September 1986 Monday

I've had such a splitting headache all day. A real tumor, skull splitting, black death kind of headache. I feel like I have been put right through the wringer and then beat up. I tried not crying all day but holding it all in has made my head hurt even more. Work of course was boring, boring, boring. Gena is an unhappy person and seems to get pleasure going around telling everyone in the office that I am bi-sexual and that Jon Butler and Russ Lane are Gay. I would like to quit my job but don't want to do anything foolish. I was committed to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union with Mike Anderson, otherwise I would have stayed home and cried all night. I miss Bill Bikowski so much but I can't allow him to treat me like he did. I am of true value to myself if not him, and don't deserve to be treated by anyone like that. Especially by one to whom I've given my heart and have done so much for. The topic for tonight at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union was "Self Respect" and I needed to hear that. There was a large crowd there and too big of a group to get to know everyone.

30 September 1986 Tuesday

The misty weather today matches my spirit. It's the last day of a roller coaster month. I got paid today and cleared $540. I hope it’s enough to cover my bills. It rained for most of the day and I had to ride my ten speed bike to the Utah Credit Union to cover the check I wrote for my wife's storage unit. It rained on me as I rode my bike, a fine drizzle. I'm so depressed over Bill Bikowski. In the evening I made some chicken and dumplings and brought some up to Russ because I said I would. But no more. I am through with Russ Lane too. I spent the rest of the evening bringing out the Halloween decorations and cried a little knowing that my wife, Sam, Toby, Jack, Killer, and Baby would not be spending this Halloween with me. Carol Kessler was alive this time last year. Will I be next year?  I visited a little with Jon Butler today after Jim Pincock and he returned from the Salt Lake Men's Choir rehearsal. Jon Butler said he saw Billy Bikowski eating alone at the McDonald's on 7th East and he was looking so sad and lonely. Billy, Billy, Billy. I miss you. Last night I cried so hard that I thought my head was coming off. I had such a migraine. It must be the stress. Billy there's no time left for you, because as the song says "am on my way to better things." I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think of you eating all alone at McDonald's. But why the hell am I feeling sorry for you? What about me?  You left me waiting and waiting, wondering where you were. We were supposed to have gone for a walk. Do you remember that? I made a fucking cheesecake, with love in everything I did for you. I made clam chowder. All your favorite foods. I went shopping to get you just the perfect gift. Stood in line, lovingly picking out just the right wrapping paper for your present. So much wasted anticipation. I spent all day Sunday waiting, waiting, waiting. The table was set with the China plates. The wine goblets were waiting to be filled. The clam chowder was in the ceramic Duck Turin, growing tepid, finally cold. The Crab dip was just sitting, waiting for you to plunge into with potato chips now all stale. The tapered candles shrank into pools of melted wax as I waited by the flickering candlelight for you to come, so that I could wish you "Happy Birthday". You did not come. So eat your fucking hamburger alone. You don't deserve to have someone love you. Bill I will get over you. I swear to God almighty and I hope someday we will be friends, but now the hurt is too deep. After writing all that I still miss Billy charming Billy. I miss you so much. I am so partitioned in my emotions part of me says, “Sweet William come back to my forgiving arms. I want you to come home to my arms, to my bed. I'll be good to you. I want to lay down by your side and here your soft breathing as you sleep.” Then there’s a part of me that says “No. Ben have some self respect. Say No. He can come home only if he is willing to love you for the good man you are.” Billy I have to love myself as much as I love you. Billy for my own self esteem I cannot love you unconditionally as I wish I could. But my conditions are so simple Billy. Just love me and I will love you back.