Spring 2nd Quarter Journal 1987 April-June

 

APRIL 1987

1 April 1987 Wednesday

A new month and it’s a time for a new beginning. Truly April is like the real New Year with the advent of spring. I looked in the mirror this morning and decided to shave my beard completely off as an April Fool’s joke. I regretted it immediately.

            Mike Anderson is going to move in with me for a couple of months to get away from Lamont Draney. He and Lamont are feuding and that is too bad.  I love Lamont but him being an alcoholic, he does have some serious problems. Mike still wants to go to Greece to get away for a while

            This evening Mike and I didn’t want to just stay home so we went to the Metropolitan Community Church’s spaghetti night dinner. However that was kind of a dud. So we only stayed about an hour and then returned to my apartment where we watched videos on Mike’s VCR player.

    My spring hay fever is starting to act up.

 2 April 1987 Thursday

Today while I was at work, while attempting to call Mike Anderson, I accidently dialed Billy Bikowski’s number. I didn’t realize it until he answered the phone, so I quickly hung up as I was startled to hear his voice.

    Thinking that it was really rude of me, I called him back and said that it was me who had called earlier and I explained the circumstances. He said he wanted to talk to me tonight but I said I had other plans. I said I was busy until Sunday night and perhaps we could talk after Affirmation. I don’t understand why he wants to talk with me at all. What more is there to say? He doesn’t love me and I wonder if I even love him anymore.

    I love having Mike here because it’s helping with my head. I had a 17 page letter from Bill Harris today. I loved it. He said he’s be in Salt Lake for Easter. I am excited but kind of nervous.

Mike Pipkin finally apologized for treating me so rough last Saturday, so I forgave him.  He, Mike Anderson, and I went up to Holy Cross Hospital on 11th East after work this evening. We attended the “Loving Yourself” Seminar held at the Holy Cross Hospital on 1st South. It was a type of metaphysical New Age visualization taught by John Gatzmeyer.  John is a disciple of Louise Hay who is the proponent of a positive reinforcement way of thinking in fighting AIDS and other illnesses due she said from our low self esteem.

            It was kind of bizarre but then kind of good also. It was kind of like Alcoholic Anonymous’ 12 Steps but not really.

            At the end of the meeting we all sang this song. “I love myself the way I am. There’s nothing I need to change. I’ll always be the perfect me. There’s nothing to rearrange. I’m beautiful and capable of being the best me I can. And I love myself just the way I am.” The 2nd verse went this way. “I love you just the way you are. There’s nothing you need to do. When I feel the love inside myself, It’s easy to love you. Behind your tears, your rage and fears, I see your shining star. And I love you just the way you are.”

            The 3rd verse: “I love the world the way it is. And I can clearly see, that all the things I judge are done by people just like me. So ‘til the birth of peace on earth, that only love can bring, I’ll help it grow by loving everything.

            The last verse went this way. “I love myself the way I am. And still I want to grow. But change outside can only come when deep inside, I know, I’m beautiful and capable of being the best me I can. And I love myself the way I am. I love myself just the way I am.”

           3 April 1987 Friday

I had hay fever so bad today that I just stayed home this evening, watch video disks with Mike Anderson and felt miserable. All I did all day was blow my nose.  It was pure misery.

 4 April 1987 Saturday

I went over to Ed Benson’s place, this retired school teacher I had met at Affirmation last year. Ed had invited a bunch of us from Affirmation over for dinner at his house. I went with Mike Anderson, Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis, and his date Kevin Clark. Already there was Russ Lane and this guy he brought with him named Cory.

            Ed’s house was wonderful, and his dinner was good. However I was a little grouchy or bitchy which is a better word for how I was feeling. I was ragging on the LDS Church because it’s General Conference Weekend .

            At 9:30 we thanked Ed for a wonderful meal and we left to go clubbing at the Sun except for Russ who left to go be with Cory. We asked Ed if he wanted to go along but he didn’t feel up to it.  We went to the Sun because it’s extra busy at Conference time with all the closeted Returned Missionaries there.

            Mike Anderson paid my way in and bought me a drink. By the time I was sipping on a Long Island Ice Tea, I was getting quite drunk.  I had a lot of fun at the Sun for a change. Sugar Tush, Kevin , Davyyd Daniels, Doug Webb, Mike, and I danced as a group in a circle, all the while holding hands, jumping, and high kicking. It was a blast. I was so drunk I didn’t much care what went on.

I saw Jeff Manookian there also and he joined us in dancing. He was being horny as hell and kept trying to undress Kevin on the dance floor. Mike said that he and Doug got even with Jeff by pulling down his pants. Silly boys.

            Anyway we stayed until they shut the joint down and the house lights came on to drive the drunks like me away. It was Daylights Saving time tonight so we lost an hour. It’s three weeks earlier this year.

            I heard that at the Priesthood Session of General Conference that they finally talked about AIDS and homosexuality. I also heard that they finally have stopped encouraging Gays to marry as a cure for homosexuality . It’s about time.

 5 April 1987 Sunday

My hay fever is driving me crazy. Also I hate daylights saving times. Everything is so much earlier now. I held church service with Alma Smith, Mike Anderson, Craig Hunter and me attending. Church was a lot of fun with lots of singing. To me that is the best part of the church service.

            I spent the rest of the day relaxing and trying to recoup my energy from last night. I went out and lay in the sun on the grass in the back of the apartment while Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis waxed his car. Sugar Tush is really a sweet heart of a man. Mike Anderson and I are sometimes bad sisters teasing him too much because he’s so gullible.

            Mike went to Affirmation tonight. I wasn’t in the mood and also didn’t want to take a chance that I might see Billy Bikowski until the time we said we’d meet.

            So at 9:45 I rode my ten-speed over to the Scarsdale but he wasn’t home. I decided to ride around the block a couple of times and if he still isn’t there, I’d just go back home and call it quits.

            However he was home when I returned. He saw me from his 3rd floor window and threw down a note to me to say come on up. Silly. It didn’t mean anything but I went up and was determined to be aloof but cordial.

            I really didn’t even know why I even agreed to come over. Perhaps it was simply out of curiosity since what he could he possibly have to say to me after what he uttered last Monday.

            Once in his apartment we sat on the floor and talked in circles for nearly an hour. Finally Billy said that we aren’t communicating and I said, “I don’t know how to talk to you anymore without being able to touch you.”

            He asked me then, while stretching out his hand, “Shall we risk it?” My hard heart the melted again. I went and sat next to him and held his strong wood sculpturing hand. Then we really began to communicate.

            I stayed with Billy until 2:30 in the morning and left again emotionally drained. What was resolved? I don’t know. Really probably nothing but I got to hold him once more in my arms and feel his heart beat. That was enough.

 6 April 1987 Monday

I was groggy at work all day. Between staying up so late and taking medicine for my hay fever I feel like I am getting sick. At 9:30 at work, Mike Anderson called me to come let him in to the apartment as he has stayed out all night. When I saw him standing in the hallway, I saw that he was with Mark Oliver. They looked a mess and smelled of sex. They said they spent the night at Mike Pipkin's where they all got high. Mike Pipkin had also brought a trick home so no one over at his place got any sleep.

            So I let them in, so they could sleep some more, and I went back to work. However I only worked a half day as I was so wasted myself and sick from my hay fever. I came back to the apartment and slept for the rest of the afternoon.

 In the evening Mike Anderson went with Bob Martinez, Doug Webb, and Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis to the Spaghetti Factory in Trolley Square. They asked me to come with them but I still was not feeling well and begged off.  I just stayed home and slept some more. The antihistamines have just knock me right out.

            Sugar Tush and Mike returned from dinner with a bouquet of daffodils and cherry blossoms they had picked for me. What sweethearts.

Jon Butler’s friend Neal Rheese came over at 8:30 waiting for Jon to come home. We visited some more. When I talked to him the other day at Jon’s place, he implied he knew all about Billy Bikowski and even made a snide remark saying, he would never have thought  that I was Billy’s type.  That stung but talking to him further I realized that he knows nothing about Billy really, except that he stayed with Beau Chaine last year which I knew already. Talking to Neal was a disappointment but also a relief.

 7 April 1987- Tuesday-

My hay fever just won’t quit and I am drowsy all the time. My nose is as red and sore as an alcoholic. I’ve been sleeping during my lunch hour and I even slept briefly when I came home.

            About 8 this evening Mike Anderson and decided not to go to the Desert and Mountain States Conference in Albuquerque as it would just be too expensive. Especially for me, after giving Beau Chaine $200 to help him pay for the zoning changes for The Gingerbread House which the city stated was not zoned for a business after all. Beau Chaine had been previously told that it was. I just felt like it was the right thing to do for the community.

            Mike played me a song from the Three Penny Opera on my stereo called the Ballad of Mac the Knife. I just loved it because it’s so haunting.

            Anyway at 8:30 I rode my ten-speed over to see Billy Bikowski. Regardless how he feels about me, I wanted to see him and be with him again. At the Scarsdale, he was alone and acted glad to see me. He appeared to need me to hold him and we needed to be together. Being with Billy was pleasant and almost normal. I held him, gave him a massage, we talked without demands or expectations.

            I stayed until 11:30 then rode back home and went to bed.

 8  April 1987 Wednesday

I woke up with a cold sore on my lip. Instead of just hay fever I must have had a cold the whole time. Strange. Mike Anderson and I are enjoying each other’s company. I popped a big bowl of buttered popcorn and we have just been having the best time watching movies.

            I called Fran today because I received a birthday card from her. I hadn’t heard from her since we had that blow up about the IRS coming after me for the  taxes she messed up.

 9 April 1987-Thursday-

Mike Anderson and I went to the Gay Community Council for the first time tonight. However this is the fifth meeting of the group which was organized just last December.  I only heard about it in last March.

It was held in the basement cultural hall of the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church and it’s open to anyone who wants to attend especially to those who represent the interests of the community. I went as a representative of the Church of Christ as that I am no longer involved with Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians.

I really enjoyed the discussion and the planning of Gay Pride Day for July 12th at Sunnyside Park. Donny Eastepp co-owner of the In-between bar was chosen to be chair of the council’s Pride Day Committee. I was opposed to the selling of beer at Gay Pride Day. I didn’t care if people wanted to bring beer, I just didn’t think Gay Pride had to be connected with alcohol all the time.

I was the lone opposition on that one but I didn’t care at least I stood up for my convictions. We also decided that all proposals had to pass with a 2/3 majority. Until tonight all proposals had to be unanimous before passing.

Also at the meeting, of which John Sasserman of the Triangle Magazine was the acting Chair, we voted on incorporating the council with Rev. Bruce Barton acting as Secretary/Treasurer. The next meeting will be May 7th at 7 in the evening.

In attendance were me,  Mike Anderson,  Lyle Bradley who works for KSL, David Nelson, John Sasserman, Donny Eastepp, Beau Chaine, Bruce Barton, Graham Bell, Davydd Daniels and perhaps a few others that I can’t recall. But I knew most of the individuals who were there primarily from MCC, the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, and the Triangle Magazine.

Back home, Bill Harris called me to wish me a happy birthday, the sweet heart.

 10 April 1987-Friday-

Today is my 36th birthday and I still have a lingering cold. I didn’t let anyone at work know that it was my birthday as I didn’t want the phony happy birthday greetings that usually occur.

Jon Butler came into my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday and wanted to know whether he should invite Billy Bikowski to my party tonight. I said that I would like to have Billy there but I doubt if he even knows it’s my birthday.  Jon thought that it was absolutely incredulous that as much as Billy and I have been together that he doesn’t know my birthday.

            As on cue, Billy Bikowski called at 10:30 this morning and said that he was in a jam and need to borrow some money to get down to Mapleton in Utah County in order to do a wood carving project.

            When I went with Billy to cash a check for him at Smiths Food King, he never said a word about this being my birthday. So I gave him $10 for gas money anyway and he actually asked me out for tomorrow night to go to the Hansen Planetarium for the Clio Awards, kind of an Oscars for commercials.

            Billy has never asked me out before, ever. It must be his way of paying me back by saving his ass by letting him have some money. However I don’t want Billy to feel obliged to me. I want him to want to be with me because he loves me.

            When the chips are down and he has nowhere else to turn. he comes to me because he knows I’ll be there for him.  Doesn’t he understand that means I truly love him? So “la dee dah, do dah”.

            Russ Lane later called me at work and asked to take me out for lunch for my birthday. Surprise, surprise, his new boss also went with us and he turned out to be Cory from Ed Benson’s dinner party. I really like Cory even if he’s a married man, a father, in a Mormon Bishopric, and still somewhat hung up on the church. He’s rationalizing a lot but hey we all got to do what we got to do to survive.

            I felt lousy for most of the day and a touch disappointed that Billy didn’t remember my birthday. I had a letter from Bill Harris today, the sweet thing, saying he’s excited to be coming back to Utah in a couple of weeks.

            After work, I came home and tried to nap some before attending the party tonight at the Gingerbread House. We are not just celebrating my birthday but also Jon Butler’s birthday as well as Carol Dee’s birthday. I’ve heard that Carol and Lynn LeMasters are now an item after Lynn broke up with Pam Calkins. Pam is now with Leanna Anderson so the little Lesbian Polygamy experience in the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ from last summer I guess is kaput.

            Michael Anderson and Eddie Muldong decorated the place and we had cake and ice cream. It was rather fun as Mike had some fun party games. I had to drink about 8 cups of coffee however to stay awake as I had taken a handful of antihistamines. I think that was more coffee then I have drank in my whole life time.       

 Beau Chaine announced that he was moving the Gingerbread House over to the Old Plantation this week. The city is giving him a break because they screwed up his zoning ordinance. The place is much bigger as it’s an old two story Victorian house turned restaurant located on 4th South and 3rd West. I am excited for him.

Those who came to the party were mostly members of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ or friends of Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis. Those who attended were Sugar Tush, his friends Bob Martinez and Doug Webb, Craig Hunter, Ken Bruck, Lynn LeMasters, Carol Dee, Jon Butler, Eddie Muldong, Mike Anderson, and me.

We had originally planned on going to see the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show but I was way to dragged out to do anything but go home to bed. Mike went clubbing with the guys to Backstreet.

I was so wired from all the coffee I drank that I got very little sleep as I was just tossing and turning. What to do?

I wonder what my 36th year will bring? My 35th year was totally bizarre but fascinating as I abandoned Mormonism and became more of a Gay activist.

Additional Material

10-12 April 1987 Friday, Saturday, Sunday- 3rd Mountain and Desert States Lesbian and Gay Conference held at the La Posada Hotel in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Keynote speakers Julian Rush a Methodist Minister and Gay activist and Kathy Sarris a State Legislator and Political activist form Indianapolis. Theme of the Conference “If Not Now When”  The Utah delegation was co-chaired by Curtis Jensen, Val Mansfield, Jeremy Armstrong and Brook Hallock.

 11 April 1987 Saturday

I did absolutely nothing today but stay in bed and rest, rest, rest.  Yesterday Billy Bikowski asked me out to go the Clio Awards at the Hansen Planetarium on State Street.  It was the first time Billy has ever asked me out anywhere and here I am sick with a big old ugly cold sore on my lip. The gods are so cruel. Oh well. I felt so miserable that I really didn’t much care.

            In the evening, Mark Oliver came over to see Mike Anderson and we watched “A Star is Born” with Judy Garland singing, “The Man Who Got Away”.

            Billy then called at 9 and said he was just getting ready to leave from Mapleton so I knew he’d never make it back in time to take me to the Clio Awards. I was fine with that and asked him to stop by the apartment when he’s back in Salt Lake if he wanted, and he did. He came and watched the end of the movie with us.

            I was kind of feverish but I loved curling up in Billy’s arms while also seeing Mark resting in Mike’s arms. This is the first time anyone has ever seen Billy and I together in an affectionate position. It was a sweet evening for me even if I was sick. I love Billy so much.

 12 April 1987Sunday

Mike Anderson went to spend the night with Mark Oliver at his place so I was left alone for most of the day. I did make it to church services but that was about all I did today. It was so cold walking to church.

            At 3 this afternoon Billy Bikowski came by with some orange juice and to talk. He gave another “I love you” but “don’t love you” speech.  I was too ill to care. However we agreed not to see each other again for a while. Well at least until the 23rd when he’s taking me up to Park City for my teaching job interview. Last Friday I received a call from the Park City School District to come interview for a position at the High School there.

            I didn’t go to Affirmation either. I just went to bed early.

 13 April 1987 Monday

Billy Bikowski called me at work and asked if I would cash a check for him. He also asked me to go out to lunch with him. I can’t believe him. More so I can’t believe myself when I said that I would.        When he came by work to pick me up, I said, “April 23rd sure came fast.”

We went to Smith’s Food King on 9th East and while there we ate at the salad bar after cashing the check for him. It was wonderful being with Billy yet at the same time, it’s tearing me up because there’s no future in a relationship with him.

I am not expecting to see Billy again now until the 23rd unless he needs something from me. So as long as he needs me, I am allowed to love him.

            I received a letter from Mark Lamar today. I haven’t heard from him since he moved off to Texas with his Bill. If you think I’ve got troubles, it’s nothing compared to the load he is carrying around.

            I wrote both him and Bill Harris a letter today. I am so mixed up and confused about my feelings for my two Bills. Bill Harris is a treasure. Can I have them both? Do I give up Billy for Bill? Bill Harris loves me but lives in Houston, Texas. I love Billy Bikowski and he’s here in Salt Lake City but he doesn’t love me. How can he not love me? I pray a lot for God in heaven to take away whatever it is that is preventing Billy from loving me.

            Mike Anderson is over staying with his mom because his Grandparents are out visiting from the Dakotas so I am going to bed.

 14 April 1987 Tuesday

While I am still sick with my cold, the cold sore is about cleared up. My beard is coming back in pretty good. It’s been about 2 weeks since I cut it all off for an April Fool’s joke.  I sure was.

            The weather is warming back up and the spring flowers are blooming. I rode my ten-speed to Smith’s Food King on 9th East and 8th South to get some cold medicine and to buy Jon Butler a birthday card. His birthday is tomorrow when he will turn 41. I also bought Easter cards to send to mom and Grandma Johnson.

            At home I wrote Bill Harris another long letter but I doubt if he will get it before I see him this Thursday.

            Fran called me at work about the our taxes filing for this year. I said for her to go ahead and file married but separate so she won’t get fired but it means I will have to pay almost a $1000 more in Taxes because of it. It’s just not fair.

 15 April 1987 Wednesday

Today is Income Tax day and I owe $1100 to the Feds and $900 to the state, over the $1700 I’ve already paid out of my paycheck and the $500 I paid to the state. I have to pay this additional money because I had to file married but separate so that Fran can keep her job at the IRS. Well they will get it when they get it because I don’t have it.

            Today is Jon Butler’s 41st birthday. I stayed home tonight and started cleaning the apartment. With Mike Anderson’s added stuff here, which really isn’t all that much, the place is getting cluttered.

            Mike has been spending the night with his mom because tomorrow they are going out to Wendover to gamble. It sounds like fun but I have to work and am too broke and tired to go with them anyhow.

            I am missing Billy Bikowski tonigh but I am anticipating Bill Harris arriving tomorrow. I was paid today and cleared $590.

 16 April 1987 Thursday

It was super warm today at nearly 80 degrees. I called in sick to work today because I had so much to do to get ready for Bill Harris’ arrival this evening. I had to wash about 4 loads of clothes and bed linens before I could put them away. I also packed Mike Anderson’s things in the deep bedroom closet so that bedroom was cleaned up. Anyway I worked like a dog scrubbing the apartment as it really needed it. I really worked hard

While waiting for the clothes I hung out on the clothes line to dry, I laid out in the sun behind the apartment with Mike Pipkin. I do like Mike when he’s not drinking.

I wanted to start a tan. It felt really good to be out in the sunshine however I burned my face, legs and arms a bit. However I slathered on Oil of Olay and that kept me from peeling.

Mike told me about hearing Tony Feliz’s talk last Sunday and how Mike kept taking exception to Tony’s new views on reincarnation. Tony Feliz is pathetic. He needs more Christ in his life and less Joseph Smith.

            Russ Lane dropped by the place at 7:30 this evening. He said he was locked out of his apartment so he ended up going with Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis, Kevin Clark, and me to the airport to pick up Bill Harris.  They were all excited for me.

            Before we left Russ said that he’s been having an affair with his boss, Cory. I knew Cory was in love with Russ from seeing them together last Friday but I had no idea it had gone this far.  Cory has even told his wife that he’s in love with Russ. Déjà Vu. Sound familiar? And just a year ago this month also.

            Anyway at the airport, we came across Richard Hefner, president of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union who was there to pick up Ben Schatz who is the keynote speaker for the LGSU’s conference tomorrow. I met with Mr. Schatz  and he’s cute as can be. He’s the head of some Gay Legal Defense Organization out of San Francisco.

            Anyway Bill’s flight came in at 8:45 and I was suddenly having ambiguous feelings when I saw him prance down the ramp with his perfectly coiffed hair. I immediately thought “have I made a great mistake?’ He was buoyant and acting like we were long separated lovers.

            Back at the apartment I had some spaghetti ready to heat up for dinner. Kevin, Sugar Tush, and Russ stayed for dinner and to tell the truth I wanted Russ’s company over Bill’s.

            Everything was “Dahling” this and “Dahling” that,  and isn’t this “sweet” and I soon realized that I never knew what a “queen” Bill is. He certainly never acted like this when he was here at Craig Hunter’s place.

            When we were finally alone, and went to bed, I tried making love to him but it was a turn off. He was so “fem”. If I wanted a woman, I’d stayed with Fran. She’s the best woman any man could have had and she’s way more butch than Bill is.

            I eventually feigned illness, still from my cold, for the lack of enthusiasm, which was partially true because I was doped up on cold medicine.        So I went to sleep thinking this is going to be a long weekend.

17 April 1987 Friday-

Bill Harris clung onto me all night long with his whisker stubbles stabbing me in the shoulders so I was raw and sore in the morning.         I woke up groggy from the residue of my cold medicine and from not having gotten any proper rest.  Bill woke up super chipper and spry. He was a fucking chatter box commenting on everything and saying absolutely nothing.

I called in sick again today and after fixing us some breakfast, we walked up to the University of Utah for the last day of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union’s Conference.

            I wore my white shorts with a red shirt because it was so warm out. I looked nice but masculine. However Bill after spending an hour in the bathroom looked like a store mannequin at Weinstock Department Store, with his sea foam green Bermuda shorts and green stripped matching shirt. To tell the truth I was rather embarrassed to be seen with him. I have never been embarrassed being with Gay people here in Salt Lake before but I think it was his obvious fawning all over me in public that I found distasteful.

            On the way up I stopped at Osco Drug Store and bought another pair of sunglasses so I could hide a little, I think subconsciously.

            Anyway up on campus, we arrived there just in time to hear Ben Schatz speak at 12:30 in the Union Building. His talk was good however the acoustics in the room was very poor and it was very hard hearing him. Around 40 people turned up to listen to him.  And I knew most of the people who were there and was very glad to see them.

Ben Schatz was very informative about our struggle for our legal rights. After his talk was over, Bill and I went with Alma Smith to Rev. Bruce Barton’s workshop where he gave a presentation on Religion and Homosexuality. That was fun and interesting also.

            I was having a good time going to the various workshops but being with Bill was an absolute annoyance. He’s a fucking magpie and about absolutely nothing of substance.

            Earlier we had made arrangements to go see a cousin of his named Dee who had just gotten married last month. She lived about on 45th South and 11th  East so we took the bus down to her house after leaving the U of U.  The bus only took us so far, so we ended having to walk about two miles to get to the place. I didn’t mind the walk and the weather was quite warm.

Bill Harris said I would just love his “dahling” cousin because she was “so sweet.”  At her place, they made me look at wedding pictures of all these  heterosexuals who I don’t know and don’t want to get to know.

Dee said that she wants to name her first baby “Jason.” Of course what else. She said she was so in love with her husband Scott but wished he wouldn’t be so obsessed with watching sports on TV and would let her watch something else but she said they were “sooo” in love because they were married in the temple. I give the marriage 9 months or until he starts beating her.

            Anyway Dee drove us back into the city so we didn’t have to take the bus back home. There I left Bill for a bit when I rode my ten-speed up into the Avenues to drop off a letter to the editor  at Scott Dunn’s place. He’s an editor of the Triangle Magazine in charge of the Letters to the Editor section. I was glad to get away from Bill Harris for a while.

            I then rode over to Billy Bikowski’s apartment as that I was missing him so much and hating him so much at the same time for not loving me. I didn’t go up. I just wanted to be in the same proximity as Billy was. “On the street where you live.” I’ve come to realize that I’d rather live with the memory of Billy than the reality of Bill Harris.

            When I came back to the Juel Apartment, Bill and I walked over to Burger King where I bought him dinner. From there we walked back up to the university because we were going to see a film sponsored by LGSU at 7:30 in Orson Spencer Hall. Well we were a little late; not getting there until 7:45 and Richard Hefner was taking money for tickets. I asked him how much for the show and he said $4 and I said “You’re kidding.” I thought they’d be at the most $2 so I said I didn’t want to spend that much on a film that had already started.

            Then Richard being a smart ass said, “Well I would have let you in for free but since you have the money but choose to spend it elsewhere I won’t.” That made me mad and I said. “I already gave you a $10 donation this afternoon and now you want more?” He said, “You did?”  and I said, “I mostly certainly did.”

            Then he sheepishly said, “Well then go on in”, and I said “Not on your life after you being so rude.”

I left with Bill and went over to the Union Building where we waited for the Candle Light Vigil to begin that was to commemorate victims of Gay Bashing and AIDS. It was so pleasant out that we sat near this LGSU girl named Cecilia and just chatted. I wanted to be with anyone but Bill whose chattering was so vapid.  When Alma Smith showed up he asked me, “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your boyfriend?”  I just cringed.

            Anyway KUTX’s Channel 4 was here to film the Candle Light Vigil for the 10 o’clock news. I know I was filmed as were some others who were holding candles.

            Richard Hefner spoke and thanked everyone for making the conference a success but Mel Baker basically was in charge of the vigil. We each lit a candle in memory of those who died of AIDS and from bashings, this past year.

I met Becky Moss tonight and she’s “Mickey” on KRCL’s “Concerning Gays and Lesbians.” I just think she’s delightful, bright, and articulate. She is a cohost with Mel who goes by the name Dean on the show.

            Becky had us burn little pieces of paper on which were written the names of AIDS victims and of Gay who had been victims of violence. It was a solemn and beautiful ceremony. We held each other in the darkness while some wept and all reflected on what it means to be Gay in Utah.

            After the vigil, Mel Baler suggested taking the ashes up to the canyon behind the Medical Center to spread them in a creek up there. So eight of us from the vigil, went. Included in the group were Becky Moss, Cecilia, Alma Smith, Stephen Baustraud, Patrick Duffy, Mel Baker, Bill Harris and me. The lights from the city below us was so beautiful and twinkled like the stars  above our heads.

We sang songs and had a spirit of Gay camaraderie at this night time escapade. Our little midnight ritual was a mixture of Christianity, Paganism, and Metaphysical New Ageism.

            I said while in the canyon that I was grateful that there’s something within my soul that makes a 36 year old man climb the side of a mountain in the middle of the night to be with other like minded people committed to advancing the Gay spirit here in Salt Lake City. It was a wonderful experience and we all shared our  commitment to bringing love, heritage, structure, and pride to our community. It was truly a memorable night.

            Bill and I didn’t get back home until after midnight and my eyes were so sore for having hay fever and from my contact lenses that were bothering me.

            Bill went to bed while I wanted to stay up and read a little bit as I was still wired up from the events of the night. Bill fell asleep quickly so I slept on the couch as I had no desire to be in bed with him. I feel slightly guilty because he is here in Salt Lake specifically to be with me.

            If Bill would have lived here in Salt Lake, I would have discovered my true feelings so much sooner instead of reliving the fantasy of that one weekend of romance. There’s no way in hell would I move to Houston as he wants me to do. I am sorry but no.

 

18 April 1987 Saturday

What a difference a day makes. The wind howled and blew all day with great bellowing gusts. The winds kicked my hay fever into high gear, something horrible. I just laid on the couch for most of the day and blew my nose.

            Bill Harris met Craig Hunter for lunch so I was able to get him out of my hair for much of the day. Mike Anderson called and I pleaded with him to come over and rescue me. I said to him, it’s awful. “Dahling, Dahling, Dahling”. I just want to slug him to shut him up but that’s my medicine talking.

Bill being here made me realize that while I like sissies and drag queens, I could never live with one. I want a man not a woman.

            Anyway, Mike came over to take me grocery shopping for items to fix for an Easter dinner for tomorrow. It was good to be with a boy who’s bright, witty, and manly. If I never appreciated Mike before, I do now, ever so much.

            It was fun being with Mike but being at Smith’s Food King made me a little melancholy knowing that just last Monday I was here with Billy Bikowski. I miss that fucker so much. If I could only just get over the longing for him. It’s like he’s imprinted on my soul.

            We spent nearly $60 worth of groceries together and then came home. We then watched TV for most of the rest of the afternoon being bitchy about Bill who was still out. I was alone again later when Mike had to leave to go see his mom.

            At night I went to Backstreet with Bill Harris, Craig Hunter, Ken Sargent, and Mike Pipkin. It was cold and windy out and so different from yesterday I was even grateful that Mike Pipkin came along because it took the pressure off of me to entertain Bill.

            Backstreet was absolutely dead when we arrived at 10:30 with about only 25 people in the entire place. Ken “Sugar Tush” and Kevin Clark showed up a little later and I went to visit with them to get away from Bill. I told them that it wasn’t working out between Bill and me and Kevin understood completely and was so sweet to me.

            I guess I was feeling guilty about not wanting to be with Bill when he’s done absolutely nothing wrong but be too “fem” for my taste. I didn’t mean to lead him on when I wrote him those letters. I was on the rebound from Billy Bikowski and everything was so confusing.

            Well because Backstreet was a dud, we all went to the Deer Hunter where we stayed until midnight. I was tired and still had this miserable hay fever on top of having a cold for much of April.

            At the Deer Hunter I flirted with this guy named Gilbert, who was cute and who flirted back. Isn’t that a shitty thing to do with Bill Harris supposedly my date? Anyway on the whole, today was a really shitty day.

19 April 1987-Easter Sunday-

When I came in last night from the Deer Hunter, Mike Anderson was here. I was so glad. It relieved the pressure of having to sleep with Bill Harris who went into the bedroom while I slept on the floor next to Mike who was on the couch.

            When I woke this morning I was shocked to see six inches of snow on the ground outside my window. There was no forecast for snow and last week it had been so warm. However the snow did seem to clear up my hay fever.

            I was up early to start preparing Easter dinner. I made a potato salad, a macaroni salad, marinated vegetables, deviled eggs, baked beans, and a baked ham. I had been expecting more spring-like weather rather than snow today. I also made strawberry shortcake for dessert.

            When Bill and Mike were up, Mike was being  an imp by mimicking Bill by saying “Dahling” at everything. It was kind of funny but also kind of mean. He was being a bad sister.

            Church of Christ serviced began at 11 at the Crossroads Urban Center and for first half hour we just sang gospel hymns like “Up from the Grave He Arose”. Actually we had a lot in attendance including Mike, his mom and sister, Alma Smith Bill Harris and me. We sang a lot of songs and I think Mike’s mom enjoyed it. His sister really got into the singing and it was actually nice to hear women voices.

            At 11:30 Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis, Eddie Muldong, Kevin Clark and his friend Dale Zellman joined us. I read from St. Mark’s account of the crucifixion of Christ for the Easter service. All in all we had 11 people at church.  Alma Smith helped me pass the Lord’s Supper.

            Church service was over at noon and we went back to my apartment for Easter Dinner. Russ Lane, who I also invited came down not one to miss a free meal, but Jon Butler was a no show. Craig Hunter also came over but a little later.

            Easter Dinner was fun and we had plenty of food. Mike Anderson and I made a punch which contained some white wine and we were both became somewhat tipsy.

            When Mike’s mom and sister left after dinner, Shawn Donnelly came over. He was really depressed as he wasn’t allowed to spend Easter with his boyfriend Rick, because Rick’s family didn’t want him there, the bastards.  Shawn is such a sweet and good man. He’s 20 years old and all alone here in salt Lake. I said to him, “Well welcome to the Gay world where you spend your holidays with your Gay family instead of with the ones who should love you.”

            At 3 o’clock Bill Harris left with Craig Hunter to catch his plane back to Texas. I said “goodbye” but made no offer to go to the airport to see him off. If that makes me a prick then I am a prick. I just could not lead him on and be phony. I just felt utter relief when he was gone.

            I laid in Shawn’s lap and watched movies for most of the rest of the afternoon, feeling the effects of the wine. Shawn stroked my hair and I think he’s a very sweet boy and will always find him special. Besides that, he acts like a boy instead of a girl and I find that very attractive.

            Mike Anderson and I decided to “butch” it up at Affirmation tonight since it was like we had to exorcise “fem” from the house. I wore blue jeans and a red flannel shirt with my leather jacket. I also had on my Indiana Jones fedora hat and wore boots. Mike also wore denim and flannel.       We rode up to the Unitarian Church with Kevin Clark and Sugar Tush.

            The meeting was a rap session again about couples in serious relationships. Billy Bikowski attended  and seeing him there kind of hurt my heart.

            This woman named Janelle was discussing her lesbian relationship with this woman from Ogden, who is totally closeted. I offered this advice, “When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, it’s time to go.”  Later she came up to me saying that what I had said was what she needed to hear.

            After the meeting, I saw Michael Howard give his phone number to Billy. That also hurt, but deep down inside I knew that a relationship between the two of them would never work out.

            We all went to Village Inn on 9th East after the meeting and I punished myself by sitting next to Billy and listened to him give this Paul kid from BYU so much attention. When Billy left, he left with Paul. I thought to myself “You Bastard. How dare you want to be with anyone else but me?’

            It was a rather wild time at Village Inn, however as usual, almost all my attention was focused on Billy. That’s too bad, as at Affirmation, I had a lot of people come up to me and say that they missed me being there and that I am needed there. I know that.

Sugar Tush was really pissed off at Russ again for trying to make Affirmation more like a church than a support group.

            It was lightly snowing when I went to bed after a long Easter Sunday. My hay fever is better because of the snow.

 20 April 1987 Monday

I went back to work however I only worked until 5 in the afternoon because I am still rather dragged out. At home I did up the dishes from yesterday’s Easter dinner and that took until nearly 8 in the evening.

            I was really edgy because Mike Anderson had to spend the night at his mom’s house so I was alone in the evening. So I decided to go up to the university to attend the Lesbian and Gay Student Union even if I went late. I thought there was a chance I might see Billy Bikowski there.

            Most of the snow had melted, so I rode my bike by Billy’s apartment on 9th East and saw that he wasn’t home. Then I walked up the rest of the way as I was too tired to pedal up the hill and the street was kind of slick.

As it was, I was drenched in sweat by the time I reached Orson Spencer Hall at 9. To my surprise no one from LGSU was there so either everyone one had left early or the meeting was canceled.

            So I walked my bike back down the escarpment again to Billy’s where I saw that his apartment lights were on. I felt the need to be with him, so I climbed the three flights of stairs and just as I reached his door, coming up behind me I see Richard Lamborn. I thought “oh shit. My fucking luck.”

            I wanted to be alone with Billy, not share him with Richard. The last thing I wanted to be tonight, is superfluous. I immediately made a dumb excuse to Richard and left before even seeing Billy. I then rode my bike home and was in my bed by 10:30 cursing my fate.

            Yesterday at Affirmation, Billy was telling me how he wants to go home to New Hampshire this weekend to see his older sister get married and that he’s gotten an eviction notice from not paying his rent. His phone is still disconnected and has been for over a week. Well he’s really in a financial mess but well he made it for himself.

 21 April 1987 Tuesday

While leaving for work this morning, I noticed a note under my door from Billy Bikowski. He came by last night at 11:30 but I was already asleep. He acknowledged that I had come by last night and that he will take me to Park City this Thursday at 2 in the afternoon. The note just more depressed me because if he could come over , why not call me so I could hear his voice?

            Anyway I attended the Dynacomp Meeting this morning and worked until 6. At home Mike Anderson was getting ready for his date with Mel Baker. I guess they’re going to see “Room With a View” which is a fabulous movie.

            I didn’t want to remain home by myself and be depressed and eat over my feelings so I decided that some more physical activity would be good for me. I rode my ten-speed up to campus, and I nearly had a stroke pedaling up the hill, and went to the HYPER building where I went to the men’s locker room to weigh myself. I am still at 203 pounds so I worked out in the weight room briefly. Then I sat in the sauna for a couple of minutes to clean out my pores.

After that I went to the men’s room in Orson Spencer Hall to cruise a little as I just wasn’t quite ready to go home. There I met this incredibly gorgeous young man who was about 24 years old, brunette, blue eyes and 6 foot 2 inches or more. He actually was cruising me. It’s not like he could not have had any of the other younger guys who was cruising him but he specifically cruised me.

            I was so flattered that I gave him everything he needed so that he would remember the evening and how good and right it is to be loved by a man. However, I also felt so sorry for him for him being so very repressed. He wouldn’t even tell me his name.

Anyway we left the mainfloor restroom and went to this other more isolated men’s room where we could be alone. He was so shy. He also was a returned missionary although he tried to hide the fact that he was wearing garments. He would only take his cock out instead of pulling down his pants. We had sex for over an hour and I was very loving and gentle yet in control with him.

All throughout the encounter I told him that he was a beautiful man and to never think otherwise. He was so repressed that he spoke not one word to me the entire time. We who are out must use our voices to help liberate our brothers and sisters from this self inflicted repression.

However he loved the hair on my chest and kept playing with my nipples. He seemed fascinated with my body. We finally mutually masturbated and I stayed with him until he spewed his cum, rubbing his back for physical contact. I even said thank you to him when he was done and zipping up. I didn’t want him to think that this was some shameful encounter other than that it was mutually satisfying and that I respected him as a person and not just a sexual object. Now why can’t I meet someone as cute as him at Affirmation?

            When I came home at 10:30, Mike Anderson still was out but Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis came down to cry on my shoulder. He said that Eddie Muldong had betrayed his friendship by seducing Kevin Clark, who Eddie knows is special to Sugar Tush.  I let him get out his tears and sadness. He’s also unhappy at work and in life in general so I said “ just find out what God’s will is for your and do it. Continue to be your kind, good self.”  

 22 April 1987 Wednesday

The weather is warming and I am finally feeling better but still am blowing my nose. I received a phone call this morning from the Park City School District saying that my interview tomorrow was moved up to noon so I needed to ride my ten speed over to Billy Bikowski place to ask him if it would be possible for him to take me up earlier. His phone is still disconnected.

            I left work at 9:30 this morning and rode over to the Scarsdale where I woke him up. He didn’t look well and his apartment was a real mess. I was very formal with him just asking if he could take me at 11 tomorrow instead one . He said he could so I then just left, letting him go back to sleep and me going back to work. I worked at Utah Title until 6:30 before coming home. I was tired from last night’s escapade and also had a restless sleep,

            Mike Anderson made ham fried rice and I made stir fried vegetables for our dinner. It was yummy. Instead of just staying home, eating or watching television we went for a walk. The weather was so nice. We walked over to Memory Grove where there were lots of guys out cruising. We saw Ken Bruck on our walk, so we stopped and he went with us as we hiked the nature trail.        It was a lot of fun walking with Mike Anderson and Ken Bruck, while camping it up and being frivolous.

            We left Ken at Memory Grove as he had met someone there and we walked downtown to the Magazine Shop where we saw James Conrad and David Chipman browsing through the adult section at the Gay magazines. We visited some but didn’t stay long not to interrupt their cruising the other men in the adult section.

            Mike and I were finally home at 10 and I was tired from all the walking but got some clothes together to wear for tomorrow’s interview up in Park City. I am really nervous about it. What if I get it? Then what will I do? I will think about it tomorrow. “After all tomorrow is another day.”

            Billy’s phone is totally disconnected now and I can’t even listen to his voice anymore on his recorder. I’ve got to get that man out of my life.

 23 April 1987 Thursday

What a bizarre day. Feelings of sorrow, anger, longing, pain, anticipation, and loss have swept over me in a kaleidoscope of emotions. I went into work at 8 and stayed until 11 this morning, when I came home to meet Billy Bikowski. He was a little late but not by much.

            I have such mixed emotions about seeing him. I had to stay aloof, distant, put a ring of iron around my heart to bury the pain and longing for him.  He knew I was burying my anger but I could not afford to get into a real fight and lash out at him. I paid him $5 for taking me up to Park City for gas money and I was cordial and thanked him.

            We were up at the Park City High School shortly before noon and Billy came inside with me even though I didn’t want him to. He was being kind of spacey and I didn’t want him fucking up any impressions with people within the building.

            At the school, I was informed that they were interviewing only 3 candidates out of 35 who had applied for the 1 position. A Mr. Bernstein was also being interviewed with me today and I know I beat him out for the position. Someone else interviewed yesterday so it’s really between him and me.

            I was first interviewed by the principal Dr. Dozier, and next I was interviewed by Craig Watson who was the head of the English Department and John somebody who was the head of the history department. I really connected with John and I think Craig liked me also.

            The final interview was with three teachers and a parent who will make the final decision. I was bright, witty, confident, articulate and charming. How could they not love me?

            All these interviews lasted a lot longer than I had expected and it was nearly 4 in the afternoon when Billy and I left Park City. Billy wanted to give me a “grand tour” of the town but I said I had to get back to work. I was kind of snotty about it but I will be damned if I would have Billy show me Park City as if it was his town knowing that I would never be a part of it with him.

            On the way home I was quiet and Billy got mad at me and said that I was punishing him by giving him the silent treatment. I said to him, “What do we have to say to each other? For two weeks I haven’t heard a word from you and now I’m suppose to act like everything is okay? Unfuckingbelieveable.”

            I had to cut him off because he holds all the cards and he knows it. I won’t play that game again. I had a lot of rage but I held it inside until I made sure I was delivered back home. Then Billy sped off mad. Tough shit.

            I didn’t get back to work until 4:30. Bob Elcock was gone but someone said he had been looking for me. However I was so fucking mad at Billy that I was in no mood to put up with anybody’s shit.  I worked until 7 this evening getting all the title searches out before coming home.

            Mike Anderson and Mel Baker were at the apartment watching television with Mike Pipkin. Everyone seems to think my place is their home also. As I came in Dave Reed called to tell me about a birthday party for Beau Chaine this coming May 5th. I said that if Billy goes I don’t think I will.

I needed to leave the apartment because I was so angry. I rode my ten-speed down to Liberty Park and then over to Cahoots where I bought a card for Billy that said “goodbye”.  In it I wrote that I thought he was an insensitive, selfish, bastard, and that I didn’t want to hear from him see him or be with him ever again. I subsequently rode up to his apartment to give it to him but he wasn’t home so I slipped it under his door. I rode after that on up to the University of Utah to Orson Spencer Hall to cruise the men’s rooms. I saw some really cute guys but thought once there, “Why am I doing this?” I know it’s not just for the sex. I just want to meet new people but where? I’ve got o get Billy out of my life and “find a brand new lover.”              

I did meet this one college guy at OSH who loved my chest and it was neat to get some form of validation that I am sexually attractive after the head trip Billy has done on me. I gave him a mighty blow job that buckled his knees. I’ve been sexually active but practicing safe sex.

I hate Billy so much that I have to have sex with strangers than with him. “I wish I could buy back my introduction.”

Back at the apartment, Mike and Mel were using the bedroom so I slept on the couch. I guess they are an item now while Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis and Kevin Clark are breaking up. Mark Oliver even called Mike tonight so he has two boyfriends and I am so miserable over Billy. However last year I was miserable over Russ Lane and I thought I would die from heart break but I didn’t. Life goes on.

What if I get this job in Park City which I think I just might. How is that going to affect my life and Gay activism here in Salt Lake? Tomorrow will be the 9th month anniversary of having met Billy. Could it be only 9 months? Oh well.

 24 April 1987 Friday

I went to work at Utah Title as usual. It was a blah day. I came home and napped during my breaks some. It was such a warm pretty day at 80 degrees that I left work at 5 this afternoon to go lay out in the sun with Mike Anderson on the grass behind the apartment. There we saw Robert Nelson, the kid who lives in apartment 22. He was working on his car in the parking lot. I’ve always thought he might be Gay so Mike and I started talking to him dropping “hair pin” hints and he dropped a few himself.

            So we asked then him if he wanted to go out dancing at Backstreet with us and he jumped at the chance. He’s only 20 but we said we would get him in. Then Jon Butler came out to visit and we told him that Robert was going to Backstreet with us tonight. Then when Russ Lane came out and we introduced Robert to him. Mike Pipkin even walked by so Robert met almost all the Gay guys that live at the Juel Apartment except for Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis and James Conrad. We all visited with him while he worked on his car.

            We hadn’t planned on going to Backstreet until 10, so at 9 tonight, Sugar Tush, Mike Anderson, Robert, and I went out to get something to eat. We went to the Greek Slouvaki place on 3rd West and 5th north and I treated everyone. It didn’t come to but $15 for all of us. I wanted the evening to be fun for Robert and also he was driving. However he was kind of a reckless driver, and kind of immature, but he’s just a kid. He acted like he was in a candy store and couldn’t keep his hands off any of us.  At one point he even jumped into the back seat to get into Mike and Sugar Tush’s pants.

            Anyway Backstreet was kind of dead, but not as bad as last week. That was okay because we still were having a lot of fun with Robert being a novice to the Gay world. I saw Ken Bruck at Backstreet and he joined us at our table. Sugar Tush, Ken, Mike and I all began dancing together a lot on the main dance floor.

            By the end of the evening, Robert was bugging me a little with his pushiness wanting all our attention. It was mostly from being newly out and immature so I tried to over look it.

            We stayed until closing, and then we went to Denny’s on 3rd West and 5th South. We saw Ben Barr who volunteers at the Utah AIDS Project there so I sat with him so we could visit. Mike has a crush on him. We don’t know each other very well and I introduced myself to Ben as “Ben Bikowski”. What a jerk I can be.

 25 April 1987 Saturday

I spent most of the morning sleeping in from last night’s revelry. When I started moving, I did two loads of laundry and hung them on the clothes line behind the apartment to dry.

            Mike Anderson and I planned on going to Liberty Park to lay out in the sun and watch the boys play volleyball. Robert Nelson the kid from upstairs saw us and asked if we would wait for him until 1:30 so he could go with us. I said sure since I thought that because he’s just coming out, he wants to be around other gay folk.

            However at 1:30 he comes down, not even dressed to go lay out, just casually dressed and says seeing that we were about to leave,  “Weren’t you even going to wait for me?” That kind of annoyed me and I said to him, “We have waited for you. If you want to go with us, go get ready.”

            He wanted to drive us down to the park where he parked his car under a shady spot so he could work on it. I was a little curt with him at that point and said I was going to go lay out in the sun to get a tan. I didn’t come to watch you work on your car. Really.  I mean he wants us to accommodate him in everything, when if he wants to be with us, he should be accommodating us a little.

            However he’s the new kid on the block but while we are opening up ourselves to him, he’s got to pay his dues like the rest of us and not have everything handed to him just because he’s cute and has a young dick.

            Anyway at the park Mike and I laid out and I started a good tan. We also put lemon juice in our hair to start lightening it up. We listened to some music and just had a pleasant afternoon.

            Ken Bruck came to the park also and joined us near the east side men’s room where the volleyball nets are. It was fun watching guys furtively kind of sneak into the toilets hoping not to be spotted. We stayed until 4 in the afternoon.

 Ken invited Sugar Tush, Mike, and Me over to his place for dinner but asked us not to bring Robert. He was away from us, still working on his car for most of the afternoon anyway.

            Well Sugar Tush later lets it out to Robert that he couldn’t have him come over because the rest of us had a dinner appointment. This made Robert pouty and I thought he’s never going to fit in with us if he is going to act that way.

            Sugar Tush, Mike and I went in on a nice $12 bottle of wine we bought at the state liquor store on 4th South to bring to Ken Bruck’s dinner, which was at 6:30. He fixed for us this yummy dinner; consisting of Chicken in Mole’ sauce, refried pinto beans, Spanish rich and strawberry short cake for dessert. I think we all had a good time and afterwards I went into the kitchen and did up the dishes for Ken. I know how many dinners I have cooked for people with no one offering to help me with the dishes.

            Well anyway at 8:30 this evening, a friend of Ken’s named Mark, dropped by in order to borrow some of his pornos. One thing led to another, and we all were soon making out with each other feeling each other up. That was rather fun.  Then at 9, Sugar Tush and I had to leave because he was to be a judge at the Calendar Boy Contest at Backstreet. We said that we would swing by the Juel Apartment to pick up Robert Nelson so he doesn’t feel left out.

            Back at the Juel we also met up with Jon Butler who was there with Richard Keller his old flame. When they heard we going out to Backstreet they want to go too. So I went upstairs to get Robert and again he was being pouty because we were 15 minutes late but sullenly came with us.

            Anyway we all went to the club where I really wasn’t having that good of a time. I was upset when I heard that Barbara Dickey has leukemia and that really bummed me out.

I was still tipsy from the wine I drank at Ken’s dinner party and I don’t know, but I think I was still a little tired, maybe even melancholy. So I went home early with Jon and Richard about 11 o’clock, almost right after Mike Anderson and Ken Bruck showed up at Backstreet with Ken’s friend Mark. They were having an orgy or what I like to call a “Gay old time”.   That is why they were so late. Mel Baker was at Backstreet also. He was waiting to met Mike for their date. He was not happy when Mike showed up with Ken and Mark. I left before the drama commenced.

            On the ride home, I ragged on Billy Bikowski the entire time to Jon and Richard, so he was really on my mind tonight. When I came home back to the Juel, I did not want to be alone, still kind of drunk, so I went for a bike ride. Big Mistake.

            I rode over to Billy’s apartment, not really intending to see him. I just wanted to see if he was home alone or if someone was with him.  Climbing up to his 3rd floor apartment, I saw a bike outside his apartment and seeing it made me really crazy. I thought who the fuck is he with? I was too drunk to realize that it was Billy’s own mountain bike.

            I stood and listened outside his door for any noise and when I heard none, I got even crazier thinking he was probably in bed with someone having sex.  I was green with jealousy and I thought who the fuck does he have in there? So I pounded on the door like a mad man intending to make such a scene. However when Billy opened his door, he seemed really groggy like I had woke him up. He said “Just a minute” while he went to the bathroom to pee.

            While he was in there I came inside and looked around. I was relieved to see that he was indeed alone but I still was pissed because I was unhinged. He finally came out wearing just a tee shirt and boxers and he had a bloody nose for some reason.

I said to him “The only reason I am here is because I am drunk.” Billy next  said he received my card and thought it was abusive. I said I was angry.  He responded saying he could handle anger but not abuse. I said that is why I don’t get angry because when I do I just go in for the kill. Besides I said,  “You wanted me to get angry so I wouldn’t love you anymore.”  He replied “But not to be abusive.” I said “what is abuse exactly to you? Is anger something with which you can fight back but abuse you can’t”  I wasn’t really making much sense.

            However I could tell that Billy wasn’t in a good state of mind. I could tell he was having an attack of heavy duty depression; but at this point I really didn’t care. Instead I told him that he gets a lot of mileage out of his “depression”. I really hate his bi-poplar disease but I don’t hate him.

            Before I would leave, I made Billy admit that he had used me. I told him that I would not be a Graham bell or a Jim Hunsaker’s and hate him, that I would still love him no matter what but he needed to confess to me, for his own sake and personal integrity. I also said that it was not enough for me to be told by him that he doesn’t love me. I had to know why.

            I stayed in Billy’s apartment until 3 in the morning. Billy said I could spend the night but I said  I didn’t want to, unless I could sleep with him and I knew that was impossible at this point in time.

            So I left him. He looked rather pathetic and I thought I have to love myself as much as I love Billy. I have to let this confused, depressed boy go for my own sanity.

26 April 1987Sunday

 I slept in until 10 this morning. Mike Anderson slept upstairs in Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis’ apartment as he didn’t have a key to let himself in when I wasn’t home. When he did come in, he said that he and Sugar Tush were out for most of the night tracking down Kevin Clark and Eddie Muldong. Eddie had stolen Kevin away from Sugar Tush and betrayed his friendship. So Eddie is in the dog house with us now.

            My philosophy is that it’s inexcusable to go after any body’s boyfriend.  Just wait a couple of weeks and if they break up on their own, then you can go for it.

            Anyway, Sugar Tush, Mike and I went back down to Liberty Park to lay out in the sun. We didn’t hold church service because Craig Hunter had called and said that he had to work and he couldn’t make it. Also I was so tired, physically and emotionally that I couldn’t get my shit together.  We are probably going to hold services at 4 in the afternoon from now on instead of at noon for the summer months.

            Jon Butler and Richard Keller joined us at the park for a couple of hours. I brought some fruit and drinks for kind of a picnic. When we left Liberty Park we all then went to Memory Grove where it was wall to wall fags. We walked up the nature trail and climbed the side of this hill where guy have sex hidden behind the bushes. I saw lots of discarded condom wrappers. Litter bugs! Ha!

Mike and Sugar Tush were wearing thongs for shoes so they had a little trouble climbing but we eventually all made it to the top without incident until Sugar Tush cut his ankle on some broken glass. I stayed with him on the hillside while Mike, Jon and Richard went to get the car. I didn’t want Sugar Tush walking and bleeding. We next took Sugar Tush home where I got him taken care of before going off to Affirmation.

            Sugar Tush, Mike, and I went to the Unitarian Church where a guest speaker named Mark from Highland Hospital spoke about alcoholism, depression, and the need for acceptance of being homosexual within the Gay community. I thought it was interesting especially since he discussed bi-polar manic depression  which is what Billy Bikowski said he has been diagnosed as having.

            Billy came with Scott Wallendorf late to the meeting. I thought I handled it quite well, him being there with Scott but later Mike said that both he and Sugar Tush looked at me and said that my countenance dropped and  went sad  and solemn when I saw Billy and Scott together. I tried to not let it show, but I guess my heart involuntarily betrayed me through my face.

            However after the meeting, I saw Billy standing and visiting with some young guys and I realized, yes, Billy should be with others his own age.   As for me, I had so many others hanging on to me that it was an ego boost for me. When Billy saw all the attention I was getting, he eventually came over to me and we shook hands. He asked if we will see each other soon.. I said we are seeing each other now.

            After Affirmation was over we went to Village Inn but Mike and I didn’t stay long. We were tired from being out all last night and the truth of the matter was that there weren’t anybody there we particularly wanted to be with.

            However back at the apartment, some of Mike’s theater friends, Michelle, Von, and Kichelle came over to visit with him but I just went to bed. But before I did, Michelle said she would get us tickets to see the Pioneer Theater’s production of “Up on Your Toes” a Rogers and Hart musical for this Tuesday. She can get a student discount and has friends in the show.

 27 April 1987 Monday

I went into work across the street, kind of dragging my ass from this weekend, I haven’t heard a thing from my job interview at Park City yet. When I applied I was like I really didn’t much care if I got it or not but now I do and I hate the waiting to hear.

            I went with Mike Anderson up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union on campus this evening. We walked up and I primarily just went to see Jim Hunsaker, I’ve always liked Jim so I wanted to visit with him some more. The meeting was small and kind of boring. It was about dealing with stress, something I am quite aware of.

            Richard Hefner apologized to me for the incident at the LGSU Conference when Bill Harris was here. So I forgave him and there’s, now, no hard feelings. However after the meeting, LGSU was going to Denny’s for coffee and I made a point of being with Jim Hunsaker, even asking him for a ride. Then Steve Oldroyd snakes his way in and he even manipulated his way into sitting in the frontseat . So I had to sit in the back seat.

            That didn’t piss me off too much, until at Denny’s Steve took the only available seat next to Jim. It’s not like he even has a crush on him, he just is such a Prima Dona that he’s insensitive to anyone but himself.

            Well I had a cup of hot tea but left a buck as tip for my taking up space. I next told Mike that I was leaving to walk home.  It was a warm night nearly 70 degrees out. I almost got accosted by a drunk Indian walking in that part of town, but I made home without incident. One of these days, I probably will get jumped as that most Gays do get beat up sometime in their lives. I was home by 11:30 and went right to bed.

 28 April 1987 Tuesday

I still haven’t heard a word from Park City. How much time does it take to make up their minds? During my lunch hour I came home and lay out in the sun. I was out in the sun too long and got pretty burned but hopefully it will turn into a tan and not just peel.

            Mel Baker came over to see Mike Anderson while I was at work for most of the afternoon. They also went to the show and saw “Star Trek IV”. They said it was pretty good.

This evening Ken Bruck dropped by to return my sun glasses that I had left at his place last Saturday and he gave Mike and me a ride up to campus where we met Michelle. Her friends Von and Kichelle were suppose to meet us also for the show but they never came.

So the three of us sat together and visited until the musical began at 8. Up on Your Toes was delightful and very professionally performed. It was wonderful and I loved the dance scenes, especially the boys.

The play was long, nearly 3 hours, so we didn’t get home until 11:30 at night. Michelle came home with us to wait until she could get a ride with someone who was in the musical.

I really got sun burned today. I hope it doesn’t peel. My hair is getting so blond now from the lemon juice I put into it when I am out in the sun.

 29 April 1987 Wednesday

I was rather cranky all day and miffed at everything and everyone. I am not sure why. I must be on my period. Ha! At noon I came home and called Park City High School rather than waiting for them to call me. I talked to Craig Watson from the English Department, who said the hiring committee had met and he was on his way to the district office to find out what their decision is. He said he would call me back in two hours but he never did. So I am still up in the air over whether I got the position or not.

            After work, I came home and lay out in the back of the apartment with Mike Pipkin and Mike Anderson. Mike Pipkin asked if I want to go to the show with them but I declined. I needed to be alone. Besides I’m not that interested with being buddy-buddy with him.

            Instead I rode my ten-speed up to campus to look for the stem of my red sunglass that came off yesterday after the play. It was too dark yesterday to find it then.  I did ride by Billy Bikowski’s place and saw that he wasn’t home. I hope he’s being productive and active. He’ll get over his depression sooner if he does,

After looking around a bit in front of the Pioneer Theater, I found it so I can replace the tiny screw that fell out. While I was up on campus I went to Orson Spencer Hall but it wasn’t very cruisy. I only saw one real cute man there but nothing real interesting so I rode on home at 9.

I didn’t do much else for the rest of the night.  I listened to some music while Mike Anderson read from his scripts.  He’s going in for a job interview tomorrow.

I went to bed at 11:30, thinking a lot about Billy. If I could just block him out of my head. Perhaps he is nothing more than an obsession, a compulsion, even an addiction. Who really knows?

I heard on KRCL today a song that said “Love is never wasted.” I believe that is true. My love for Billy was not wasted. I truly believe what goes around comes around and “Serene I fold my hands and wait nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea, for lo my own shall come to me.”

 30  April 1987 Thursday

Today is Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis’ 25th birthday. This morning the phone rang at 7:30. The only reason I answered it was because I thought it might be Park City. Instead it was Mike Howard wanting Billy Bikowski’s phone number! Can you believe it?” Billy keeps people from knowing how I feel about him so they have no idea of any relationship between us.

            A year ago, I went with Mike Howard down to California where I learned to love him, but now I almost hate him for going after Billy. However I was so stupid. I told Mike that Billy didn’t have a phone and gave him, Billy’s address. I told him that he could get a hold of Billy at Granite Mills where he works and when was the best time to catch him. I also said that if he wanted to know anything about Billy to ask me. Then he retorted, “From Ben’s perspective.” That was like a slap in my face.” I don’t know what I will do if I ever see the two of them together.

            Anyway the weather has flipped flopped again with it being an overcast and cloudy day. At work I got paid today, $547. I’m going to spend most of it paying off the $588 I owe Sears. Every other paycheck I want to pay off at least one of my debts.

            My hay fever is acting up again and I was dragging all day at work. When I came home during my breaks, cried a little over Billy but I think I am really all cried out. I’ve been sick almost the entire month with either a cold and or hay fever.  I am sick of being sick.  I hope May is much, much better in that department.

            The birthday party we held for Sugar Tush was a BBQ so it was iffy all day whether we would get rained out or not. His party was held over at Mike Anderson’s mom’s apartment where we could Barbeque. We had planned on going swimming but it was much too cold and cloudy. All who attended besides Sugar Tush, were Ken Bruck, Jon Butler, Mike Pipkin, Robert Nelson, Mike Anderson, Sugar Tush’s old flame Kevin Clark, Garth “Goofball” Chamberlain, Shawn Donnelly and his boyfriend Dane, Bobby Martinez and David a kid from Affirmation. Mel Baker showed up later. The party was enjoyable.

            At his mom’s house, Mike even put some color stripper on my hair to make me blonder. I will have to see if indeed Blonds do have more fun.

            Mike plied me with wine and then went to town ragging on Mike Howard and Billy Bikowski. When Sugar Tush asked “What does Mike Howard want with Billy”, I replied, “he wants to suck his cock.” Mike was also making a scene over Goofball’s closetness.  That is what Mike is now calling Garth.

            I had Bobby Martinez take me home at 9:30 because I was drunk and too bitchy even for me. At home I then walked over to the Son of a bitch’s place but he wasn’t home. I waited by sitting on his door step for an hour but he never showed up. He could have been anywhere, Mapleton, Park City, Granite Mill, getting sucked off by Mike Howard. Anyhow who cares?

            Goodbye April. In May, I want to go veggie again. At Sugar Tush’s birthday party I was griping about eating a steak and Mike jumped in and said “Get off the guilt trip. Either eat meat or don’t.” I finished my steak but found no joy in it and I am resolved to give up eating flesh permanently. God grant me the serenity to give up flesh, sugar, and Billy Bikowski.

MAY 1987

1 May 1987 Friday

I was up for most of the night miserable with hay fever so bad that I could hardly breathe; especially laying down. So I finally got up at 5:30 this morning and read in my journal until the phone rang at 7.  It was John Krenkel the chair of the history department at Park City High School. He called to let me know that I didn’t get the position. The fellow that interviewed on the day before me got the teaching position.

            John was really nice about it and so supportive and said he was disappointed that I wasn’t hired. He even gave me his home phone number in Heber to keep in touch in case there were any more openings. John said there are going to be more openings and to keep in touch.  I was rather disappointed but also somewhat relieved that I didn’t have to up root my life here in Salt Lake City and relocate to Park City.

            Anyway the weather was cooler and actually overcast today. Things were dragging at work and my hay fever is bad today. After leaving for the day, I rode my ten speed down to Guardian Bank to deposit $500 into my account and then paid $200 for this month’s rent.

            I wanted to buy Billy Bikowski a single rose so I stopped at Brown Floral and bought one. I wanted to leave it anonymously, as I wanted to cheer him up hoping that he would be buoyed knowing that someone thought enough of him to buy him a rose, even if he didn’t know from whom. I left it outside his door and afterwards rode up to the University of Utah. I wanted to sit in the sauna in the men’s locker room hoping that it might help sweat out this stupid hay fever. I think it helped a little.

            Coming back to the Juel Apartments I stopped by Russ Lane’s place as he had left a message for me to come up as he wanted to visit about Cory and the direction Affirmation is going. He showed me the May issue of the Ensign Magazine which contained an article “Reverence and Morality” written by Gordon B. Hinckley. It stated that “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve such problems as homosexual inclinations or practices.” So there’s that.

            The Mormon God sure takes his jolly good time revealing truth to the general authorities. I know so many guys who married because they were counseled by their priesthood leaders as a cure for their homosexuality.

We talked until 10:30 before I left and came back downstairs.  Mike Anderson went out tonight  to a go dancing at a new Lesbian bar called “Your Place or Mine” over on 3rd West just up the street from the Deer Hunter. He and Michelle Angelo wanted me to go out with them but I just stayed home, because I was tuckered out. I went to bed at midnight.

 2 May 1987 Saturday

I slept in until 10:30 this morning and it felt really good. The weather is cooler about 60 degrees and yucky out so no more laying out in the sun for today after last weekend’s warm weather.

            I wanted to get up and clean the place really well while Michael Anderson was at work but I didn’t have the energy to clean as much as I wanted. If I don’t do it while Michael is gone, we then will just lounge about, watch movies, go out, or sit around and gossip.

            I did sit down and finally wrote checks out to pay bills, $700 worth. I had the television on and I watched “Power, Passion, and Murder” and I got so engrossed in it that I didn’t do much else the entire afternoon.

            I did however, around noon, ride my ten-speed over to Billy Bikowski to ask if I could buy his phone recorder device which is better than mine and I know he can probably use the money. He still wasn’t home but I saw that the red rose I left on his doorstep was gone. I wasn’t sure if whether he took it in or someone stole it as he has sketchy neighbors. Oh well.

            At  3 in the afternoon I walked over to the Wonder Bread Thrift store on 4th South and 7th East to get some Hostess treats and bread. When I returned, as I was walking in the door, the phone was ringing. When I answered it was Billy calling from Mapleton. Surprisingly he called just to visit and to tell me that he was working to overcome his depression. That lifted my spirits for the rest of the day hearing from him. It takes so little. I miss him so much and although I have cut the cord between us, “there are knots left to be untied.”

            Feeling a little more energetic, I tried straightening up the front room and vacuuming before Michael came home.  I didn’t feel like going out tonight but when Mel Baker and his roommate Patrick Duffy dropped by to visit, they asked Mike and me to come to their place, up in the avenues, for a drink. Both Mel and Patrick are in to the leather scene and I think Patrick is a member of Greg Garcia’s Wasatch Leather Men group. I like masculine men but that is over the top for me. I am more into vanilla hippy or IZOD guys.

            Mike and I had some wine and stayed at Mel and Patrick’s place until 10:30 because Mel had to get up at 5 in the morning to start his new job. I think Mel and Patrick are more stimulating intellectually, than for me physically. Michael said that his relationship with Mel is being hampered by his personal hygiene. Some of these leather guys are too butch to bathe I suppose and prefer being “musky”.

            Back at the Juel, Mike and I watched Cary Grant in “Arsenic and Old Lace” until I fell asleep on the couch at 1 in the morning

 3 May 1987Sunday-

What an interesting day, although I didn’t get moving until after 10:30 this morning. Mike Anderson and I decided to change church services from noon to 4 in the afternoon. We are going to hold services in the apartment until we can reserve a new time with the Crossroads Urban Center. So I spent the morning doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen and the rest of the apartment that I didn’t get to yesterday.

            At 1 in the afternoon, I wanted to go to Cosmic Aeroplane on 1st South to pick up a Triangle Magazine to see if my letter to the editor ever got printed. I also wanted to go see Billy Bikowski so I rode over to 125 South 900 East and climbed up to Apartment 17. He was home but I woke him from his nap. He was still groggy so he lay back down on the floor while we visited.

            I asked him how work was going for him, and he said he finished the sign he was doing for the entrance to the Park City Mall. He also said he was almost finished with carving the wood work for some home in Mapleton. He lay with his head in my lap and I massaged his temples and stroked, lightly, his hair. Then I lay down beside him. It felt right to me.

            I said at one point that I wanted to go to the Cosmic Aeoroplane bookstore and magazine shop to buy an issue of the Triangle. Billy said he wanted to go with me so we rode our bikes together down to 3rd East and 1st South. However once there, we were told that the May Issue hasn’t come in yet.

            It was after 3 by that time, so I told Billy that I had to leave to go get ready for church. I had to buy some flat bread for the Lord’s Supper. So I left Billy, went to Albertson’s supermarket on 2nd South and 4th East, and hurried home to get ready for Church.

            Back at the apartment, Mike Howard and Brad Townsend were over visiting with Mike Anderson and while Brad said he couldn’t stay for services, Mike Howard did.

            Mike Anderson said that my mom had called while I was out and so I called her back. She needed some information on how to remove a tax lien off of the house in garden grove. I told her to call her Title Company and the State Franchise Board with her social security number and tell them she wants the lien off now.

            Well church services started a little late at my apartment, but in attendance were Alma Smith, Mike Anderson, Mike Howard, and me. It was a good meeting with good singing and a lesson from Chapter 12 of St. Matthew. Poor Mike Howard has really gotten rather drifty from the time when I first met him last year. I think he’s gotten heavy into hallucinative drugs.

            Over at Billys earlier in the day, he said that he was not interested in Mike Howards as a companion.  Now I can put my jealousy toward Mike aside.

            After church was over, we got ready to attend Affirmation. Mike Howard however left to meet Mel Baker to tape a session on Concerning Gays and Lesbians for KRCL.

            I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to Affirmation, as that I had such a sweet time with Billy this afternoon. I didn’t want to jinx it by seeing even more of him tonight. But like a moth to the flame, I am drawn irresistibly to my golden boy and my how he shines in my eyes.

            Anyway I had Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis drop me off at Billy’s apartment and I just caught him as he was leaving. I asked him for a ride to Affirmation’s pot luck and he complied. We first stopped at Safeway Grocery Store on 2nd South and 7th East which is now called “Farmer Jack” after Safeway sold out. Billy wanted to buy some fruit drinks for the pot luck.

            Affirmation meets at 7:30 now, to accommodate Bruce Barton’s request and when we arrived early at the Unitarian Church, there was a garage sale going on across the parking lot that caught Billy’s eye. So we went to see what was for sale. Mike Howard then spies Billy and came over to us but Billy didn’t give Mike that much attention.

            Inside the meeting there were lots of new people and I started welcoming them and introducing myself to them. When some of my friends asked what I brought to the pot luck, because I am known to be a rather good cook, I said, “Prunes on a stick.” I had a tray of dried prunes that I had stuck tooth picks in. Sugar Tush and Mike Anderson were cracking up and Mike said “is this your statement that Affirmation is constipated?”

When Billy came in, from the visiting the garage sale, I said to him in way o greeting in jest, “ Hello I’m Ben Bikowski” and Billy responds,  “Well I’m Bill Bikowski.” So I said back, “Are you the Philadelphia Bikowskis or the New Hampshire Bikowskis.” I was just trying to be playful, but later Billy came up to me and said he wanted to speak to me alone in the chapel.

            There he said that it disturbed him, my calling myself Ben Bikowski. Defensively I said “I was only jesting,” and he said he didn’t like it. That made me mad and I said “Tough shit.”  It was a weird conversation.

            We stayed in the darken chapel alone for at least an hour but it only seemed like minutes. Bill lectured me saying I should control my feelings for him. I replied that I couldn’t.  I responded, “I love differently than you do.” He admitted  that my love for him has made him hear love songs differently because he now knows someone who loves the way the songs sing about. I said “That’s true but remember also, you are the object of that love and affection.” Billy then also admitted that he would lose a lot if I ever stopped loving him and I replied that is true also. “You would have lost a great deal.”

            After going on back and forth like this for the longest time, we emerged from the chapel and as we stepped into the social hall, everyone who was sitting around in a circle introducing themselves and visiting, stopped to look at Billy and me stepping out of the chapel together. It was a little embarrassing but also thrilling that people finally witnessed Billy and me in a somewhat intimate act as that we were alone for so long.

 We sat down in some empty chairs and when it was my turn to introduce myself and the things  I like, I said “My name is Ben Williams, and I like drinking ice tea at Affirmation because you’re not supposed to”. Subsequently I held up my glass of ice tea. The devil really gets into me when I am at these pompous and pious events.

Needless to say Billy and I didn’t get to eat at the pot luck because we were gone for so long. I didn’t want to eat anyway.  However Billy managed to grab a potato chip bag and was munching on them, after the meeting, while everyone else was socializing.

            I met some interesting people tonight. A fellow named “Nathan”, a friend of Mark Crux and a guy I think named Roger from Texas caught my eye. Roger, if that was his name because so many won’t use their real names, was darling and said I had great teeth, ha! I asked “Are you a dentist?”

I think Billy was slightly jealous over the attention I was being paid and he asked me if I was ready to leave. I said yes and when we reached my apartment, I asked Billy to come inside.  He said he would for a little which surprised me.

            He ended up watching the Wizard of Oz with me for two hours, or more accurately he watched as I pampered him. He kicked off his shoes so I took a hot wash cloth and washed his feet then massaged them with lotion. I also massaged his hands but what he really liked was me doing his feet.

            He said that it felt really good for me to run my fingers through his toes. I said that if it feels good, you must being feeling guilty and he laughed and said he does, but I kept it up anyhow.           I even at one point started sucking on his toes and he really liked that. He was getting horny and I certainly was but we didn’t do anything but hold each other. I just loved being with him, taking care of him, and giving him pleasure in any way I can.

            When he was ready to go home, Billy went to the bathroom to wash his face and then as he left I gave him a fashion men’s magazine taht he had left here before and in it I slipped a male nudie magazine I knew he would need it tonight to jack off with.

            It was about midnight when Mike Anderson came home from being at KRCL and about then Billy left. It was a sweet evening with Billy singing to me Dolly Parton’s “Here I Go Again”.

            I know I am crazy in love, so crazy. But I feel so whole with Billy. He’s everything I want in a friend, lover, companion, brother, son, and mate.

 4 May 1987 Monday

It was a pisser of a day at work. Bob Elcock was ragging on me today. I don’t know what his problem is. After work, I rode my ten-speed up to the Deseret Gym to work out. It’s been a while and I was so sore afterwards.  I’m not doing it for the right reasons either. I’m doing it because I want to be a muscle man for Billy Bikowski. Well for whatever reason my motivation is, at least it’s getting me out of the apartment and being active. When I’m sore and it hurts to do the extra set of weights, I just think that I am doing it for Billy and it helps. Stupid I know. So who says love is intelligent?

            I came home at 6:30 in the evening and Mike Anderson said he’s going to see “Hair” at the Blue Mouse with Mel Baker. I’d like to have seen Hair again but I wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union instead with the hope of perhaps seeing Billy.

            I walked up to campus and what a workout that was in of itself. Billy wasn’t at LGSU and it was just a small group there this evening. Curtis Jensen conducted the meeting and the speaker again was this man from Highland Hospital who spoke  about Alcohol and Drug Abuse within the Gay Community, He talked about “program” a little and it was good to hear people talking about the 12 Steps from the Big Book.

            Anyway I saw Jim Hunsaker and he was his usual aloof self. I had called him last Thursday for a date but he was kind of non-committal so I decided to not pursue that. I like Jim, but I guess it wouldn’t work out.

            After LGSU I just walked home rather than go out to coffee. I passed Billy’s apartment on the way down, and looking up I could see that he still wasn’t home.

            The weather is getting warmer and it’s pleasant to be out walking at night.

 5 May 1987 Tuesday

It’s Beau Chaine’s birthday. I don’t know exactly how old he is but I know he’s older than me. Last night the crazy man who lives above Mike Pipkin started screaming again at 3 in the morning. He kept it up until the police came and arrested him at 4:30. Needless to say I was up half the night from the commotion and I was dragged out at work all day from lack of sleep.

            I am on my toes a lot at work because Bob Elcock is ragging on every little thing I do now. I am really getting rather sick of it because it’s so petty. I wrote John Krinklel the teacher at Park City High School a letter of thanks for his efforts on my behalf when I had interviewed up there.

            I lay on a beach towel in the sun during my lunch hour and my hair is really going blond. I like it, even if my beard is still dark.

            After work, I rode my bike over to Trolley Square to buy some stamps to mail off the rest of the bills and send Mother Day cards to Mom and Grandma Johnson. Mike Anderson is over at his mom’s. She is having a party this Saturday to celebrate not getting married to this dude. What a kick. She’s a special lady. I am sure there’s a special guy out there for her. Hopefully for me too! Ha!

            Anyway, I rode my ten-speed up to Deseret Gym to work out and there I saw Ty Rawlings. I said hi to him as I hadn’t seen him in ages. I am still a little stiff from yesterday and I weighed in at 202 and a half pounds. I can’t be a slave to the scale though because muscle weighs more than fat.

            After working out, I went over to the genealogy library to do some research for Jean Horan, who is like a second mom to me when I was growing up in Garden grove. She had called me last Sunday asking me to look up some things for her as she wants to join the Daughters of the American Revolution. She also wanted some information on her husband Tom’s Irish immigrant parents. I spent about 2 hours there going through the 1910 census of Cochise County, Arizona but I found Tom Horan’s father finally. He was a 40 year old immigrant working as a bartender in the Lowell Precinct n Arizona. That was exciting to find.

After that I rode home about 10 and then a man called me, as I came through the door. He wanted information about the Wasatch Church of Christ. We talked for about an hour before I finally went to bed at 11:30 somewhat exhausted.

            Mike Anderson called earlier and said that Billy Bikowski had come to the apartment to take me to Beau Chaine’s birthday party while I was out. Why did he remember Beau’s birthday and not mine? Am I crazy? Does it matter?

6 May 1987 Wednesday-

This morning Bob Elcock and I had it out. He was ragging on me again and I just was not in the mood for it. I was still kind of upset that Billy Bikowski would remember Beau Chaine’s birthday and not mine.

Anyway I told Bob I wanted to see him in his office. There I told him that he should think about going back to school to take some management classes because he is such a poor people person and that he has no idea how to motivate people. I said I was upset that it’s been 15 months without a performance review for a pay raise, and that I never get a compliment from him but just a kick in the butt when something goes wrong.

He said that if I didn’t like it the door’s always open for me to leave. I said that if I did leave here I would talk to Ed Rogers first. I also said that if I left here, I could go right down the street and get another title job because of my experience or I could go into teaching. It was good to get it off my chest and I felt better for it and maybe Bob will think twice before nitpicking on me.

            After work today I went to get a haircut and beard trim. I was able to have cute Wade cut my hair. Next I rode my bike up to the Deseret Gym and worked out until 8 this evening. I also sat in the sauna to see the cute naked Mormon boys. The steam room is a little cruisier because it’s more obscured but I can’t take the steam for very long. I prefer the dry heat.

            When I arrived home, Shawn Donnelly dropped by and he stayed until 10:30. He was discouraged as that he’s breaking up with his boyfriend and needed consoling. I gave a back massage and some tender loving care and watched “Cabaret” together. He had never seen it. I don’t know where Mike Anderson is. He’s probably tomcatting around.

It’s time to talk about the world around me as well as the world within me. First of all, locally the mayor of West Valley was arrested for soliciting a police decoy female prostitute on State Street and 8th South. Silly heterosexuals. No admission of guilt on his part. He just said it was “bad judgment” on his part. I bet he absolutely hated Gays too. Oh well. I am not his judge. I just find it amusing.

            Now closer to home, last Sunday at Affirmation there was a row over what is appropriate behavior at Affirmation meetings. After the pot luck was over, when most of the new comers were gone, some of the old timers were horsing around, just having fun and being playful. Bob Martinez and Doug Webb tried to pants Walt Larabee who was prancing around in skimpy jogging shorts. He had on nylon briefs beneath so it was no big deal but Russ Lane was getting really annoyed. He actually became cross and commented that they should stop, as it wasn’t appropriate behavior and to have some respect for where they were, the Unitarian Church.

I overheard Russ criticism and I said, half jokingly  “Get real Russ. This is the Unitarians you’re talking about. They don’t care if you wear a bra to church or not”. Then I said “This is not the God Damn Mormon Church that tries to control everyone’s behavior either.”

            Anyway after telling Russ to back off, I dropped it because Bob, Doug, and Walt weren’t paying any attention to Russ’ rantings. At that point, Billy Bikowski had asked to leave and since he was my ride I left. So I didn’t know what happened later, until Mike Anderson informed me today. Evidently Russ became madder and madder, while the boys and others kept up their high jinxes.

Well Russ was furious with Doug and he had called me about 10:30 that Sunday night while Billy was here and wanted to talked to viz. “Bishop to Bad Boy, me.” I just shined him on as I didn’t want to talk while Billy was here and said I would discuss it with him on Monday,  which I never did. I had decided not to put that much energy into something that I thought was trivial and I really haven’t thought about it until today. Well anyway, Russ really doesn’t care about people, just his group and how people affect the group.

            I had heard from Jon Butler the other day that Bobby and Doug had broken up and I think that was one of the reasons they were acting out so much on Sunday because of the crisis they were in within their personal lives. They had been together for two years.

Yesterday, Jon also said that he saw me on channel 4 10 o’clock news  I was shown at the Candlelight Vigil with Bill Harris.

            While talking to Beau Chaine,  today, and wishing him a belated happy birthday, he told me that this introverted guy who had come once to Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians last year, had called Beau on the Gay Help Line and Beau referred him to Affirmation since that is where MADGAL meets if at all anymore.

When this guy called Russ for information, Russ had him come over and he slept with him. How totally unprofessional. When people are vulnerable and seeking help, you don’t take advantage of them by sleeping with them. So Russ has a very strange concept of what is appropriate and what is not.

            I guess Beau’s birthday is actually the 4th not the 5th.  While we talked Beau also asked me to be on the Board of Directors of his non-profit Aardvark Café. I said I would. If it helps the community, why not?

 7 May 1987- Thursday-

Work is really slow right now and is probably one of the reasons Bob Elcock was being a jerk. Last year we were super busy. Anyway at lunch , Fran called me to visit. It was good to hear for her as it had been a while. She said she was in Salt Lake on some IRS business.

Mike Pipkin left the Juel Apartment cottages and moved in with Patrick Duffy and Mel Baker today. I give it two months at the most before they kick him out. Mike should live alone as he is difficult to live with and so moody.

It’s been super warm lately so I’ve been laying out in the sun during my lunch breaks and after work also. I’m getting a nice tan and I’m so blond now.

I’ve been tired lately and between the hay fever, the lack of sleep, and the heat I’m so sleepy.

Tonight was the Community Council that met at Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church at 7.  In attendance were my friends Mike Anderson, Ken Bruck, and Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis. Also in attendance were Mel Baker who represented Concerning Gays and Lesbians, Rev. Bruce Barton the pastor of MCC, John Sasserman chief editor at the Triangle Magazine, Scott Dunn owner of the Triangle Magazine, David Nelson and his boyfriend Michael Aarons both Gay activists, Greg Garcia of the Wasatch Leather Men, Ben Barr from the AIDS Project Utah, Lyle Bradley another Gay activist and me, still representing the Wasatch Church of Christ.

John Sasserman was the moderator and he facilitated the group. We met for two and a half hours and discussed how Gay Pride Day is progressing for July. We also discussed doing a media event on June 30th to protest Utah’s exclusion of the Gay Community from Safe Sex AIDS information.  The council wanted to blow up condoms filled with helium and release them over the state capitol building. Other matters discussed included how political does the council want to become, and who does the council actually represent.

The meeting was long but I really enjoyed participating in it. The new issue of the Triangle is out and my letter to the editor was included in it. I rode my ten-speed back and forth down 6th East  to the meeting so I am getting some exercise.

Back home I wanted to go over to Billy Bikowski’s to give him a copy of news articles on the PBS Series on Mormon Missionaries. The LDS Church is opposed to the program so it should be good. I thought if Billy saw the program, it would help him overcome the guilt of not completing his mission in Uruguay.

Anyway I was just going to leave the articles under his door, not thinking he would be home at 9:30 as his lights were out, but he was. He must have heard me coming up the stairs as he opened his door and had me come inside.  We sat on the floor in the dark and he let me hold him in my arms. He thanked me for the Yachting Club decal I had given him and we visited for about an hour.

I was really enjoying being with Billy, then out of the blue he says that Scott Wallendorf spent the night with him. My heart just went dead inside and I got up, left, and rode my bike back home crying all the way. I went to bed crying. He loves Scott not me. Nothing I can do about that except to get him out of my life. I was bit again. It was no fault of his, just mine, for loving a snake.

 8 May 1987 Friday

I was in a state of mild depression for most of the day at work but nothing real serious, just kind of feeling blue. Canyon Anderson said he may be leaving Utah Title at the end of the month to go to work for Backman Title as a partner. Good for him but bad for me as he’s about the only title officer I like besides Leon Lawson..

            It was a slow, slow day at work and Mike Anderson must have spent the night at his mom’s place as I didn’t see him all day when I came home on my breaks.

            After work I rode up to Deseret Gym to work out and sit naked in the sauna with the cute returned missionaries and the old Bishops. I was there until 7 this evening and then I stopped at the Cosmic Aeroplane  to buy the latest issue of the Triangle Magazine. They are a buck now instead of being for free but I think they are absolutely worth it. I wanted to have a copy of my letter to the editor in print.

            After purchasing the Triangle, I decided to ride up to the University of Utah as part of my exercise as it is all uphill past 9th East. I pedaled to 9th and I was really tired so I stopped at the Scarsdale’s to chain up my bike and walked the rest of the way up. There at the Scarsdale’s, I was surprised to see Billy Bikowski’s  white Volkswagen Rabbit parked in the back lot. I went up the back stairs to see him.

            He was napping and I could tell that he was still being affected by his depression. He had me come in and we conversed until 2:30 in the morning.  While his walls were up, in some ways he opened up more to me than ever.

We discussed his failed mission, his relationship to God, to me and to others.  I held him as he cried in my arms about his mission experience. I told him that he did not let the church down rather the church had failed him by not being sensitive to his individual needs as an artistic Gay man. He was just caught up in the juggernaut system that processed him like a clog in a piece of machinery. I said he should stop feeling guilty for self preservation when he found himself in an untenable situation.

However he feels like he rebelled against God. I assured him that he did nothing but drive the Pharisees and money changers out of his temple.

            I don’t know if anything was resolved and I don’t know why I went over to see Billy tonight. Yesterday I thought I had the conviction to not see him anymore. Unfinished business or just an addiction to Billy?

            Anyway at 2:30 in the morning, when we were both falling asleep, I knew I should go home because I wanted to kiss Billy’s lips and be intimate with him. I did kiss him gently but he was unresponsive. I asked him to kiss me and teach me how he wants to be kissed. He then said he didn’t want to kiss me.

            When he became crossed because I touched his bum, I just thought “Fuck it.” I am so sick of his attitude, I could puke.” So I put back on my shoes and grabbed my bag and slammed the door on the way out. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t angry. I was just fed up and sick of his games. I don’t need them anymore.

            Billy is a good guy in his own way, and I’ll always love him but I don’t know how much more I can be “in love” with him when he constantly rejects my love. I am really just bored with it, his unresponsiveness to my affection for him. The word “cock tease” really comes to mind.

Jon Butler described Billy as one last summer when he wore his tight blue jean cut-offs that showed off his huge basket but would not do anything with anyone short of being raped. I’m sick of always feeling like I’m the seducer, the molester, whenever I want to be close to Billy.    Gawd it’s not like it’s the first time we had ever been intimate.

            Well, hole yourself up in your hot apartment Billy. Stay depressed and feel guilty about everything that might bring you pleasure. Hang on to the great Mormon guilt machine, if that is what you want but it ain’t for me.

            Thus ends the three part series of “Ben and Billy.”

 9 May 1987 Saturday

I was up at 8:30 this morning as that I wanted to help the folks at the Metropolitan Community Church re-shingle their roof. I had every intention of going but I was so frigging tired from last night I just could not get my energy levels up to do anything. I was so sleepy that I felt like someone had their arms around me, constraining me from doing anything.

            I did however want to go out to lay in the sun for a while. I did do that until around 2 in the afternoon. Then I went over to Utah Title and went to my cubicle and typed until 6 this evening. I typed up the month of August from my 1986 journal but only the parts relating to Billy Bikowski.

            Anyway Mike Anderson’s Mom’s “I’m Not Getting Married” party was at 6:30 do I came home and called around to find a ride. I first called Mike and he sent Robert “Cry baby” Nelson to come get me. Mike said his mom just loves my shirts and is wearing my cotton muslin western shirt that I like so much. I told him that we should all live together and triple our wardrobe! Ha!

            Anyway when Robert came to get me, he asked if I had been avoiding him. Polly Paranoia. Boy does he think he’s the center of the universe.

            At Clarice's “Not Getting Married” party there was a strange mix of straight and Gay people who mostly kept to their own tribes. I liked most of the people there and flirted with this straight guy named David. He was my age, interesting, and flirtatious with me. I wanted to say “come take a little walk on the wild side,: but I didn’t dare even though I was drunk for most of the evening.

            I had fun at the party but also I had an underlying edginess about me. I want to meet new people and these folks are nice people but there’s no prospective romance among the straight men there. The only people that Mike Anderson and I knew at the party were Jon Smith, Robert Nelson, Mike Pipkin, Michelle Angelo who brought this real cute kid with her named Stuart, Brad Townsend and Ken Sargent.  I think that was all and none of which I wanted to have romance with except maybe Stuart and he’s way too young and besides was way more interested in Robert and Mike. Along with Clarice’s friends there were about 15 of us at her party all together, Gay and Straight.

            One of the main reasons I even came to the party, besides wanting to be there for Clarice, was to see Jon Smith again, the Gay man I had met a couple of weeks again at Backstreet but he was attracted to Mike Pipkin and not me.

Mike Pipkin asked if he could spend the night at my place instead of going up to spend the night at Mel Bakers and I said sure and gave him the key to my place, saying just to leave the door unlocked for me.

            I stayed longer at the party than Mike did and later I asked this straight couple, Dave and Patty, to give me a ride home when they left as they lived in the city. I couldn’t sleep over with Mike Anderson because the party was still going on. I was sobering up and getting a little depressed at not finding romance. I just wanted to leave.

When I came home at 3:30 in the morning, Michael Pipkin and Jon Smith were in one of the beds together fucking. I want more out of life than just that. Is that asking too much? When will I be loved?

 10 May 1987 Sunday

I was only able to sleep in until 9 this morning as I had two phone calls that woke me up. One was from Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis who called to apologize for not making it to Mike’s party. I guess he and Kevin Clark have gotten semi-back together and had spent the night with each other having make up sex.

            Mike Pipkin and Jon Smith were gone when I got up so I didn’t have to fix them any breakfast. I was laid up for most of the day just so groggy from drinking too much and staying out too late yesterday.

I did ride my ten-speed over to Albertson's to buy some grape juice and flat bread for church services. I bought a few other things that I was out of also and hung the shopping bags from my handle bars as I rode home. I’m completely broke again until pay day.

            I cleaned the kitchen but didn’t have much energy for much else. Mike Anderson was away for most of the day but called me later in the afternoon to say that he was really sick from yesterday’s “exertions” at his mom’s party. I said I was doing really good, just tired from lack of sleep. I also said that I didn’t hear from anyone about coming to church today so I guess I won’t be  having it here today.

            Later Robert Nelson came down and he wanted me to go to Affirmation with him but I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t particularly want to hear the Forum Speaker and I didn’t want to deal with Russ Lane. I also didn’t want to deal with Billy Bikowski if he was there.

            Instead I watched stayed home and watched John Wayne in the 1939 classic Stagecoach, on Mike’s laserdisc video player until he came home at 9:30. He wanted to go down to Village Inn to see if anyone from Affirmation was going there for coffee. So, I walked with him over to 9th East but we saw no one there from the meeting. We left and walked back home.

            We saw Jon Butler with another guy sitting outside on the front stoop so Mike and I stopped to visit with them rather than going inside. We all were enjoying the spring time night air.

            Jon then sees Billy Bikowski walking down the street towards the apartment. I thought, “Oh shit”.  Billy said he was bringing his telephone recorder over for me to use since he doesn’t have a phone right now and mine is broke. I had asked him almost 2 weeks ago if I could buy it from him but I never pursued it and now he shows up. I know that it was his lame way of apologizing for the way he acted on Friday night. But I am not that moved.

            I told him in front of everyone that I was going to buy one of mine own soon so I won’t be needing his. However I asked him to come into my apartment, even though I was dead tired.

I stayed up until after 12:30 talking to him although Mike went into the bedroom to sleep. I asked Billy, “What does this mean, you bringing your recorder over?” and he replied, “It doesn’t mean that I want you as a lover and that we should spend our lives together.” So I said, “Then you better take it home because I don’t want anything of yours as a reminder around my house that you will never love me.”    However when he left he didn’t take the recorder with him. I think he’s trying to drive me crazy.

           11 May 1987 Monday

I was so fucking tired at work that I could hardly keep my eyes open. Mike Anderson was on “Concerning Gays and Lesbians” at noon  so I listened to it rather than taking a nap during my lunch break.

            Anyway the time did finally pass, and after work I came home, and fixed some tacos for my supper. Mike wanted me to go with him to the downtown library but I told him I wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union instead instead.

I almost slept walked the whole way up there but I am glad I went because LGSU showed the video that is going to be shown to the Salt Lake police department as part of their sensitivity training toward interacting with the Gay Community.

            Shortly after arriving at Orson Spencer Hall, Billy Bikowski comes into the classroom, and we sat together all throughout the film but for some reason I felt miles apart from him. I wanted to just hold his strong hand, put my arms around him, but we sat with our arms folded across our chests like we hardly knew each other. I am so sick of this.

            When he walked out after LGSU was over, without even saying “goodbye” to me, I just walked back on home down off campus. Really what is the point to all this? Love cannot thrive let alone survive under these conditions. My love is like a fame that is flickering out. Billy gives me no oxygen for me to continue to glow. I’m about burned out because I’m getting to the point I hardly care anymore.

Additional News:

The London Times, published a front-page story "Smallpox vaccine triggered AIDS virus." The story suggested that African AIDS was a direct outgrowth of the WHO smallpox eradication program. The Times story was one of the most     important stories ever printed on the AIDS epidemic; and yet the story was killed and never appeared in any major U.S. newspaper or magazine.

 12 May 1987 Tuesday

After I left work, I rode my ten-speed bike up to the University of Utah’s campus to Orson Spencer Hall where I met this college kid named Paul who was cruising the men’s room. We left and went to his place in the dorms where he wanted to make out so we did. He became passionate with his kisses and he needed a blow job in the worse way, which I happily accommodated.

            Afterwards I rode my bike down to the Deseret Gym to work out on the Universal Gym weights. I didn’t get back home until 8:30.  After resting briefly, I rode by the Scarsdale to see if Billy was home as I wanted to give back his phone message recorder he had left at the apartment. I could see from his lights that he was home, so I rode back to my place, gathered up all his stuff and rode back over there.

            I knocked on the door and he answered looking groggy and sleepy again. I handed his recorder to him and said that I don’t need it or want it and promptly left.  I’m done playing his games. He may have won but he also has lost a great treasure. The love boat has hit an iceberg and I’ve abandoned ship. I am not going down singing “Nearer My God to Thee.”  I’m not going down until I say I’m down to quote Molly Brown.

            Being with Paul, the kid I was with this earlier, has made me realize that sex without love is meaningless anymore and that I think I don’t want to put so much energy into seeking it anymore. I think I’d rather be celibate for a while. Fucking someone who doesn’t love you, you might as well be making love to a dead man.

            What is it all about? Serenity. Serenity. Thy will be done. Stop easing God out. Let Go Let God. What do these platitudes mean any more? When my time on earth is over and I’m laid down in the grave, will it matter that Billy didn’t love me?    

Are dinosaurs resurrected? Does life go on? Why should I desire it to have any meaning? Maybe the greatest gift from God is simply oblivion. Circles and circles. Albert Einstein said a straight line would eventually meet itself.

I want my soul to intertwine with Billy’s soul. I want to play with him among the stellar dust, darting in and out of the cosmos like dolphins in the sea foam of the oceans.

            I was the best little boy I knew how to be. I tried to be God’s friend and have never wanted to hurt anyone nor take an unfair advantage of anyone. Why don’t I get to be with Billy then, my beautiful Slavic wood carver?

            Well as Dear Abby says, “Time wounds all heels.” What goes around, will come around. God only knows what the future holds for Billy and Ben.

 13 May 1987 Wednesday

It was a beautiful, warm spring day with the temperature at 85 degrees. So what? After work I came home and laid out in the sun some with Mike Anderson. Then I rode my ten-speed down to Smith’s Food King in the 9th and 9th district where I bought a radio dual cassette player for $40. It was on sale. I think I am going to have fun with it.

            I was too edgy this evening to sit home, so this evening I rode up to the Deseret Gym where I changed in the locker room and worked out for an hour. I sat briefly in the sauna to look at the guys until I showered and went home.

            I was back in time to watch the PBS series  program called “Mormons; Missionaries to the world,” the controversial show that the LDS church didn’t want aired and tried to suppress.

            Mike Anderson said that Billy Bikowski had called from his work while I was at the gym, and wanted to know what time the program was on. He also said that he asked Billy to come over and watch it at my place but Billy said he didn’t think he ought to. Mike said it was a real awkward conversation with Billy acting really nervous.

            When I heard from Mike that Billy had called, of course I was disappointed but also I knew that it was for the best that he didn’t come over. I’ve told him about the program and now it’s up to him to watch it or not. If he can just walk out of a room without saying goodbye to me why should I care? I can’t give him any more time than he is willing to give me. I don’t want a relationship with him until he is willing to kiss me.

            Mike Anderson invited Eric Christensen to come over and watch the program with us. Mike had met Eric last night at the Cosmic Aeroplane bookstore and they seem to have hit it off well. Eric said that he doesn’t understand what people see in Billy that causes them to fall so deeply in love with him. That was an interesting observation.

            Billy, I’ve decided to live a celibate life and alone until I meet Mr. Right. This old man is fine without anyone.

Additional Material

PBS DOCUMENTARY : MORMONS UPSET OVER ‘MISSIONARIES’ Los Angeles Times Despite having cooperated in its making, officials of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are not pleased with a new documentary about the Mormon Church and its missionary program, which is scheduled to be broadcast on PBS tonight.

Produced and directed by Seattle-based film maker Bobbi Birleffi and shot in Utah and Central America, “The Mormons: Missionaries to the World” focuses on the church’s worldwide missionary program, which reportedly adds nearly 250,000 converts annually to a membership base of 6 million.

The film follows several 19-year-old men as they prepare for the mission program, a two-year effort that is expected of all male Mormons as a rite of passage.

Included are on-camera interviews with returned missionaries, some calling the experience an incredibly happy time, others saying it was the most harrowing and stressful time of their lives.

One man who failed to complete the training program talks about feeling trapped and says he escaped by taking an overdose of pills, only to return home to ostracism. In another segment, an emotional young man is seen breaking down before his local congregation as he talks of having to choose between his fiancée and the mission program.

Throughout the documentary, the Mormon Church is described by some members as “a system based on absolute authority.” One Utah woman says she fears being excommunicated because of her appearance in the film.

Church spokesman Jerry Cahill said from Salt Lake City that church members and officials have seen the documentary and are “disappointed.”

Videocassettes were provided in advance to public television stations, including the Mormon-owned KBYU-TV in Provo, Utah.

“We have no official comment at this time, but if we do, it will be made after (the air date),” Cahill said.

“We are notifying our 2,400 public relations volunteers around the world, to let them know it will be on and that we cooperated fully, but didn’t produce, sponsor or approve it.”

Cahill said the church also has expressed its concerns to PBS about promotional materials for the documentary, which he said present “a sensationalized picture” of the church.

Despite objections, KBYU-TV was planning to broadcast the program as scheduled, Cahill and station officials said.

The one-hour documentary will be seen locally at 8 p.m. on Channel 50, at 9 p.m. on Channels 28 and 15 and at 10 p.m. on Channel 24. Presented by KCTS-TV of Seattle, it was funded by a $250,000 grant from the San Francisco-based George D. Smith Fund and a $44,000 grant from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

“The Mormons are very sensitive about their image. They are very image conscious, and this always made it more difficult to make the documentary,” Birleffi said.

She described being closely monitored by church officials in Salt Lake City and Provo, Utah, locations of the church headquarters and missionary training center, respectively, as well as at a Mormon mission site in Guatemala.

Birleffi said she initially gained the cooperation of church officials “because they didn’t perceive me, as a woman, as much of a threat.” In addition, she said, the project’s primary funder, George D. Smith, is well-known to church officials as “an inactive member of the Mormon community.” She emphasized that standard PBS rules for funding prevented Smith from participating in the project.

“I told them all I’d try to be balanced,” Birleffi said, “but their idea of balance and mine may be different.”

 14 May 1987 Thursday

At lunch, I came home and lay out in the sun as it was so nice out. Troy Nichols came over and also lay out with Mike Anderson and me. I got rather sun burned but it felt wonderful to have the sun on my back. Troy said that Bob Elcock is on the warpath at work. I said let him rant and rave.

            After work I came home, scrubbed the bathroom and cleaned the bedroom really good. I got rid of all the clutter that has a tendency to gather.  Mike was over at Mel Baker’s for much of the early evening but he was at home in time to watch Innovation on PBS which dealt with Nurture versus Nature regarding homosexuality. It was very informative and the program stated that most behavior scientists now agree that homosexuality is biological and begins with the development of the human brain. I would have liked to have taped recorded this program but I didn’t have any blank video tapes.

Eric Christensen called Mike again and asked him out on a date for tomorrow but we already had plans to go to Mel’s house warming party. Eric is a nice kid but kid is the operative word here.  He’s only 20 years old and was only 19 when I met him over at Billy Bikowski’s apartment last August. He’s filled out and has grown up in the past 9 months and is not this skinny slip of a boy I first met. He is still majoring in Fine Arts at the University of Utah but is working part time as a florist. He is so talented.

It’s shameful the way Mike manipulates him but Mike can be such an imp. He even had Eric clip Mike’s toe nails, for God’s sake! Maybe some guys go in for that, being submissive. I don’ know. I only know the games I play. Eric will be okay however.

I needed to get out of the apartment so at 9:30 at night I walked up to the University for the exercise which is about a 4 mile trek up and back. Of course on the way back I walked by Billy’s apartment to see if the lights were on. He was home. I stopped, looked up at his apartment and thought, “in this world there is someone who loves the boy in Apartment 17 but he doesn’t want my love.” Silently, as to myself, I said goodbye and walked on home where I went to bed. Mike was out somewhere.

Additional Material

Eric Christensen began painting professionally in 1992. Since that time he has enjoyed amazing success and a growing reputation as a celebrated Wine Country Artist. Self-taught, he invented a watercolor technique that allows him to create images of vibrant color that go beyond the look and depth of a high quality photograph. Christensen now finds himself unique in his field. In fact he is the only known artist capable of hyperrealism through the use of standard watercolor.

Christensen began to develop his interest in painting, as well as botany, classical music, and gourmet cooking as a child in Salt Lake City, Utah. Over time he has acquired a commanding knowledge in each of these fields, which has blended to make him the preeminent artist of today. In addition to his interests, Christensen also derives inspiration from the wine country surrounding his home which is invariably portrayed in his paintings. As Christensen asserts, “it’s about the lifestyle”.

Once he realized that he could concentrate his passion for painting into a career, Christensen opened his own Art Gallery in Yountville, California, a small picturesque town in the heart of the Napa Valley. This venture proved very successful netting Christensen exposure in national magazines and newspapers and a national television spot on “WINE COUNTRY LIVING”. Christensen however, decided to close his gallery in 2003, allowing him to devote his full attention to painting. Christensen continues to paint stunning images that remind us of the Wine Country lifestyle and delight those who collect his art. He now offers his extraordinary artwork in galleries throughout the US.

Christensen’s “wine art” begins where most contemporary wine artists leave off. Eric loves to capture the romance of the wine country, which he points out, “is so much more than just the wine”. Collectors of Christensen’s art typically own several of his creations and enjoy the varied themes they portray; lifelike landscapes and intimate still life paintings that incorporate a variety of elements including food, flowers or fruit with appropriate background settings.

 15 May 1987 Friday

Mike Anderson spent the night over at his mom’s.  He had called me after I was a sleep for my recipe for potato pancakes. Ha! Anyway at work, everyone was complaining and bitching about Bob Elcock’s negative attitude towards everybody in the office. I guess the other day, Dick Backman, a senior title officer and Troy Nichols really lambasted Bob for never giving anyone any positive strokes but only criticizing their mistakes. It’s the same thing I said to him a while back.

Today Bob was away in Park City so we do not have to deal with him and the mood of the office is so much better. I came home during my lunch break and made some Spanish rice before laying out in the sun on the grass behind the Juel Apartment.

Yesterday Mark Lamar called me to let me know that he’s returning to Utah, from being down in Texas, sometime at the end of July. I said he could stay a week with me until he gets settled. A week is about all we can stand being together before getting on each other’s nerves no matter how much we are friends.  He said he has finally broken up with Bill and he’s gotten over him. He was being really physically abusive to Mark, actually hitting him. If he can get over his Bill, why can’t I mine?

It’s been really slow at work and last year at this time, we were swamped so probably that is why Bob is being such a dick. I heard that some people may be getting the axe around here.  We will have to wait and see who. Most of the people I knew when I started here at Utah Title in 1985 are already gone and have moved on. Title searcher Steve Bundy has transferred to the Ogden office, Lynn Fetting moved to Las Vegas, Canyon Anderson said he will be leaving soon. Carol Kessler died a year ago this month. Change, change, change.

I really haven’t sat down with Mike Anderson recently to find out what his plans are. I don’t know if he is still planning on going to Greece in June but I doubt it.

I am starting to want my own space again. My little one bedroom apartment is just two crowded for two people who aren’t lovers. Besides, Mike needs to get on with his life also. I’ve made it too easy for him living here. His hiatus with me should soon be ending. It’s not good just to be drifting along without any goals. He needs to make some decisions about going back to school, employment, travel, and relationships.  I’ve got to do the same.

I had a dentist appointment at 2:30 and after going to see Dr. Russon, I found out that I have to go back on the 28th to have a cavity filled.

This evening I rode my ten-speed to Fred Myers and bought a shirt, a pair of blue jeans, pair of shorts all for $30 which was a good deal. I need to buy some new clothes for the summer.  I also bought some peach schnapps at the 4th South liquor store to bring to Mel Baker’s open house.

I went with Mike and there I started dinking “fuzzy navels” which is orange juice and peach schnapps and I proceeded to get drunk. It was a rather boring party really.  Mel should thank Gawd we came to liven it up.  Eric Christensen was also there so Mike had to juggle between his two “beaus”.

Mel took me aside to quiz me about what were Mike’s feelings for him. I was too drunk to sit up so I was lying in the upstairs bathtub. I said that Mike wasn’t looking for a committed relationship with anyone right now and to proceed at your own risk.

Anyway Pat Duffy and Mel left to go to the Deer Hunter leaving their guests to fend for themselves which I thought was rather odd. So Mike and I left with Eric and his friend Ron. Both Eric and Ron are only 20, just Gay babies really, but me being drunk, I didn’t mind.

We went to Backstreet to go dancing. Both Eric and Ron, being underage were nervous about getting into the club but I charmed them past the doorman, probably because the place was kind of dead. However I did see Guy Larson bartending at the front bar. I didn’t get a chance to find out how he got his position back.

Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis was there with some date and Eddie Muldong was there with Kevin Clark. Eddie came gushing over to me to find out how I felt about him and Kevin being together. I just shined him on. I was too tired and too drunk to really get into it.

Richard “Ragnar” McCall says he’s running for president of the Salt Lake Community College’s Lesbian and Gay Student Union. Good for him.

I saw Pat Winter’s on the dance floor and I went up to him and said “hi”. Pat is from the old days when we were working with Gary Ratliff in 1979 at the Special Event Center. We were both in love with Gary and were very closeted.

How swiftly my little days go by. I have to tell myself over and over again that I am not Billy Bikowski’s type and I need to accept that and move on from that point forward.

 

16 May 1987 Saturday

Eric Christensen came home with Mike Anderson after we left Backstreet and I don’t know how long they stayed up as I went right to bed. However I didn’t get up this morning until 10. It felt so good to sleep in.

            When I was up and moving, I rode my ten-speed bike back down to Fred Meyers where I bought $100 worth of clothing. I bought 2 pairs of blue jeans, another pair of shorts, and 3 shirts, so I think I did real well with bargains.

 I bought a 36 inch waist in the pants with a 31 inch length, thinking they would be a little tight on me but to my delightful surprise they were loose on me.

            At home I had tried on a pair of Mike’s 34 inch waist  jeans and while I was able to fit into them, they were awfully tight. Being at a 36 inch waist made me feel really good about all the exercising I’ve been doing.

            In the afternoon, Mike and I walked down to Liberty Park so we could lay out and watch the boys play volleyball by the cruisy men’s room. Mike had to leave at 3:30 but I stayed an extra hour lying out with Walt Larabee who had joined us. Through Walt I met a couple of friends of his named Sydney and Ben. Ben was a really gorgeous 20 year-old. I know, way, way too young even to fantasize about.

            Anyway it was a warm sunny May day in the park. Walt is really outrageous and campy and I really don’t mind his antics because unlike Bill Harris he isn’t attached to me.

            In the evening, Mike Anderson took me grocery shopping. I’ve given up meat earlier in the year. I’m on a vegetarian diet now.

            After shopping we came home and I watched television while Mike went out again with Eric to help him out at work. They were making floral arrangements for the “Queen of the Gypsies” who had recently died. I guess they were asked to make some pretty outrageous funeral arrangements in the shapes of credit cars, jackpots, a fan, and other bizarre things. Gypsies were descending on the city to attend the funeral at Sunset Memorial Cemetery.

            To get out of the apartment, at 9:30 I went bike riding. I rode over to the Scarsdale and saw the lights on in Billy’s apartment. I wondered if he was all alone. I was just melancholy and missing him. I stood across the street and looked up at his place hoping I might glance him walking by his front bay window. I didn’t, so I just went back home and watched Saturday Night Live with Mike and Eric.

 17 May 1987- Sunday-

When will it be the last time I write about Billy Bikowski in this journal?  When will I have him out of my life completely?  I didn’t want to go to Affirmation tonight as I didn’t want to deal with either Russ Lane or Billy. Yesterday I heard that Billy was up at Russ’ apartment visiting for two hours! What was that all about?

The weather’s been cool and in fact it rained in the late afternoon while having Church of Christ services. Eric Christensen, Mike Anderson, Alma Smith, Craig Hunter and I all met in my living room and we studied Chapter 14 from the Gospel of St. Matthew.

             Anyway Mike Anderson said he was attending Affirmation with Eric Christensen, so I said if I’m going to go, I am going drunk. So I took about 4 big gulps of straight cherry vodka and that gave me the buzz I needed to deal with any crap at Affirmation.

            I caught a ride with Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis who was also giving Steve Oldroyd a lift.  I was just waiting for Steve to give me any shit and I would have laid into him but lucky for him he was quiet and on good behavior.

            At Affirmation Billy was there and he ignored me the whole time except once when he came up and tapped me on the shoulder while I was talking to Jon Butler. I just quickly turned around to respond with a “hi” then turned my attention back to Jon. Then Billy left without a goodbye. It was his typical insensitive self.

            Anyway, Affirmation, basically, was really boring. It was just a small group and I am so over it and I can tell others are getting sick of it being so much like a church setting.  Well at least I am.

            Beau Chaine was at Affirmation and he invited people to come over to see how his Aardvark Café is progressing so Sugar Tush and I went down to 400 South and 3rd West.

Billy showed up on his own and was being an isolated weirdo. Finally he walks up to me and says, “I’m really pissed at you.” I said “Likewise.”  Later when I was visiting with Sugar Tush, Billy came over and said something in effect to Sugar Tush regarding his reaction to me, “I can get mad too.” Sugar Tush just said, “Keep me out of it,” and tried to joke around.

Some other Affirmation kids showed up all who were all hanging on to me and Sugar Tush. I was doing everything I could to make Billy’s jealousy come out from all the attention I was getting. I am sure I didn’t succeed as you have to love someone to be jealous.

            Anyway then finally Billy says to me, “We should talk when I m not so pissed at you and you’re not pissed at me?” I responded flippantly, “I’m at 340 South 600 east apartment 3 Salt Lake City 84103 phone number 355-0840. Are you still at 125 South 900 East apartment 17 phone number 322-2255” I was in no mood to let Billy get the upper hand and the last word in.

            When Sugar Tush and I left Aardvark Café, Billy drove right up next to us in his Rabbit at the light on State Street and looked plaintively at us. I was so fucking depressed.    I know better than to go to Affirmation. I just knew it.

            Beau Chaine after closing up the Aardvarks came by my place to have some cheese enchiladas that I had made earlier in the day. I wanted to know if I could have a group meet at the café upstairs.

I had invited him in front of Billy. Love is cruel. If food is the one thing Billy wanted from me, I’ll be damned if I’ll invite him again

            I think the romance is through between Mel Baker and Mike. Eric Christensen looms on the horizon however.

18 May 1987 Monday

It rained a lot today. I worked from 9 this morning until 6 this evening. I  like this shift better because I get to sleep in more. There’s nothing new at work except that Shawna Mayeda is being promoted. She hates Bob Elcock so may be his days are numbered. We can only hope.

            I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union with Beau Chaine this evening. He wanted to hype the Aardvark Café as a Gay meeting place for coffee. Jim Hunsaker led the meeting and it was fun again. We discussed self image and being Gay in a homophobic world.

            I said I believe taht Mormonism is the greatest threat to Democracy in the United States as it’s a movement built on blind obedience to its leadership without questioning. I am too radical even for LGSU.

            I would like to date this cute boy named Chris Brown who was at LGSU tonight. He’s from Boston and a liberal Political Science Activist. Perhaps I shouldn’t date anyone for a while or perhaps it’s best to climb back on that horse after being bucked off. The Lord’s will be done. I’ve messed up my life pretty good so it’s time to let Go and Let God.

 19 May 1987 Tuesday

After work I rode my bike up to the Deseret Gym to exercise and I weighed in at 201 pounds according their scales. Perhaps being a vegetarian will help me lose more weight.

            I came home from the gym and spent an enjoyable evening with Shawn Donnelly. At  9 tonight,  Shawn had dropped in with his new boyfriend Rick. I invited them in as I needed a hug and to be with someone who likes me.

We decided to go and check out the new Gay Bar next to Cabin Fever. However once there it didn’t look very Gay to us so we left and went to the Deer Hunter where we sat and had a beer. Shawn bought me a dark beer and I sipped on it a little bit for the rest of the night. I really don’t like beer so I gave it to Shawn to finish it for me.

            I saw Derek Kaufman at the Deer Hunter who I haven’t seen in quite awhile. We had a really enjoyable talk and he’s interesting me starting a new Affirmation that isn’t so Mormon religion oriented. We also made plans to go to Mount Timpanogos’ cave in June for a hiking activity and a picnic.

            Anyway at midnight I had Shawn take me home as I needed to get some sleep. Mike was not home when I got there and probably over at his mom’s place.

It was cool and wet out for much of the day again. It is definitely spring showers weather. This month seems like a time of transition to me. What will the summer bring?

 20 May 1987 Wednesday

Fifteen years ago I was baptized into the Mormon Church. I sincerely felt at the time that the teachings of the Mormon Church were true and I tried my best to be a “good Mormon boy.” However my true Gay nature did not allow me to be. I studied the Mormon Gospel intently and tried to understand why it wasn’t working for me. I even married as I was told it would turn me straight.

            Then a small crack in the monolithic wall of Mormonism opened for me back in 1982 when I started attending Overeaters Anonymous. Eventually as I let the spirit direct me and stopped depending on the arm of flesh, the crack grew into a hole wide enough for me to crawl through and out from the dogmatic prison of Mormonism. Thank God Almighty Free at Last. I’m now back to leaning on the Everlasting Arm of Jesus Christ and trusting in his love for me and my love for him.

            There were spring showers again today and actually with some rolling thunder to stir up the ions.  After work, I rode up to the University of Utah on my ten-speed to get out of the apartment and for the exercise of riding uphill. I can ride now all the way up to campus although I’m sweating bullets doing it.

            I talked to Fran today. She said she may be up this weekend. I would like to see her for sure and maybe go to the Royal Court’s Coronation together. She called because she needed some money so I mailed her a check for $50.

            Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, Derek Kaufman called. He said that June 13th would be fine for our Mount Timpanogos hike.

            Poor Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis is bummed out over his lack of money situation as his bank teller job just isn’t paying him enough to live on and save money.

            Jon Butler said he may be breaking up with Richard Keller again.   “A fine romance my friend this is, A fine romance with no kisses.”

            I read in the paper of some confirmed cases of AIDS that was caught by Health care providers from just skin contact. That’s scary. The Lord’s will be done if I make it to forty.

 21 May 1987 Thursday

It was another cool spring showers day. Mike Anderson is a way again. I wonder what is going on in his head? After work, I came home to find a note on my door from someone wanting to talk to me tomorrow. I thought at first it might be Russ Lane but it wasn’t his hand writing. I can’t imagine who it could be. They didn’t sign it and it didn’t look like any one’s handwriting that I knew.

            It rained really heavy at 6:30 this evening but cleared up enough by 7 for me to ride up to the Deseret Gym where I worked out until 8:30. I was kind of on edge and didn’t want to be in the apartment alone tonight, so I rode over to the Deer Hunter and bought myself a drink. I didn’t see anyone there I knew and it was kind of a dud so I rode my ten-speed back home anyway.

            At the Juel Apartment I went upstairs to visit with Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis for a while. He is still bummed over money matters, the poor thing. I hate to see anyone as sweet at him upset. Sugar Tush said something to me in his innocent way that I think is profound. He said that Jesus Christ lives by the same teachings he taught us so he is quick to turn the other check when we offend him and is quick to forgive us.  Sugar Tush is truly a man without guile and I love that quality about him.”

 22 May 1987 Friday

There were rain showers on and off all day. It was another slow day at work, I suppose because of the pending upcoming Memorial Day Holiday. After work I came home and cleaned the place up some as that Fran was coming up from Provo. I hadn’t seen her since last March.

            After she arrived, we just stayed in and watch some of Mike Anderson’s movies on his laserdisc player. When Fran first came in, Neal Rhyse was over here asking me some more questions about the Church and Homosexuality. It turns out that it was he who left me that note.

            At various time this evening Ken Bruck, Shawn Donnelley and Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis came to visit while Fran was here. Shawn said he’s going down to Phoenix to visit some friends there. Ken Bruck is going down to Moab for the holiday and Sugar Tush is going to go work part time at the Aardvark Café for some extra cash.

            It was a pleasant evening just staying home and visiting with friends.

 23 May 1987 Saturday

Fran and I slept in until 9 this morning then I got cleaned up to go grocery shopping since I had use of the Celica. I also needed to cash a check so I could but tickets to Coronation for tomorrow.

            The weather was pretty today after all the rain we have had this week. Fran and I went to the Hospitality suite at Howard Johnsons’ downtown to buy two tickets for $32. We will be seated at table 250. We stayed at the suite and had a couple of drinks and socialized with some of the Royal Court people that I knew. One of them was a kid by the name of Steve who used to be Dave Waters’ lover. While we were there both David Waters and Greg “Lulene” Harden came by to vote. Lulene of the Lovebirds is running for a position on the Board of Directors of the Royal Court.

Fran just really liked David even if he did screw her out of $100 that he “borrowed” from her. I guess he and Susie are living apart now. Dave lives over the Ute Cab Company, near the bars. It was kind of a fun day being down at the Howard Johnsons’.

            When we came back to the apartment we ate a pizza and rested some. I then walked down to Liberty Park where there was a Health Fair being held. It was kind of a dud so I walked back home and watched some more movies.         At 9 I rode my ten-speed down to the Aardvark Café where I told Beau Chaine that I would like to help him out in the kitchen. Ken “Sugar Tush Francis worked there yesterday and today as a waiter.

Sugar Tush said that yesterday he saw Billy Bikowski at the SUN. I guess the SUN is more his type of people. Earlier at the Hospitality Suite, Steve said that he hated the SUN and he has credit cards that are less plastic then the people at the SUN ha! I thought that was really funny.

It was really slow  at Beau’s but I saw Dave Reed there with a client or date having dinner. I told him all about Billy and I splitting up.

            I also met thus kid named Donald Steward who’s a student at BYU but is from New Zealand. He’s a red headed activist of some sort as much as he can be going to BYU, and we really hit it off as I really liked talking and being with him. Don said he works for KBYU and is getting a degree in broadcasting.

             At 10:30 Sugar Tush, Don, and I went to the bars to drop off some flyers to advertize the Aardvark Café. At Backstreet the place was packed to the max and then suddenly the power went off and we were all left in the dark.  It was just great as I felt hands all over me that I didn’t know who they were. Almost as quickly the power came back on and people went back to drinking and dancing.

            From Backstreet we headed over to the Deer Hunter cutting through Pioneer Park which can be dicey at night. The Deer Hunter is Don’s favorite bar. There we ordered a drink and we visited some more. He really seems to have his head on straight and I enjoyed being in his company.

            We subsequently walked back to the café from the Deer Hunter and it was still a slow night there, so Don, his friend Janelle also from BYU, and I went to upstairs where we crashed out on one of couches up there.    When we fell asleep upstairs, I curled up next to Don and draped my arm across his chest while Janelle slept at his feet.      

When she woke, she jumped up and went downstairs to the café. I think the sight of see Don and I cuddling was too much for her because I realized now that she had a crush on him. Oh Well. Poor thing.

            After they left at 3 in the morning to head back down to BYU in Janele’s car, I left also to go home riding my bike.

Well I put my bit in for Beau. That and besides the $200 I gave him in April. He wouldn’t even have this place if I hadn’t given him the money for the zoning change. As Yoda would say, “A very tired boy, I am.”

 24 May 1987-Sunday-

I received a phone call from Craig Hunter this morning telling me that the Salt Lake Tribune contained  a feature article on homosexuality in which I was mentioned in it. It must have been from the interview I did from last February. So I walked over to the Rainbow Gas Station on 7th East and 4th South and bought Fran a cup of coffee and a Sunday paper for me.

Sure enough, for all the world to see there was an article on married Gay Mormon men  called “Ben Williams Married Homosexual.”  Well not really, but it might as well have been as it was mostly on my experiences.

            While Fran was reading it, all she could say was “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!”, all through the article. Well at least I was honest and may be it might help so that some other poor souls can come to grips with dealing with being Gay and married to a woman.

            Anyway, Mike Anderson finally came back to the apartment with Eric Christensen. I can tell that Eric is so in love with Michael, but Michael is not in love with him. I can tell. I think Mike thought I might throw a scene with him being away for so long without a word from him but I didn’t. I am just happy to see him again but come June, I am going to ask him to move out, for his own and my sake.

            I told the boys that Fran and I were going to Coronation. Eric then said he wanted to go! I said you better hurry if you want tickets because you can’t buy them at the door and the hospitality suite closes at 2. It was already noon at the time so they rushed off to buy tickets so they could sit at our table.

            I asked Fran is she wanted to go back with them to socialize at Howard Johnsons. She did,  so we went back down where we saw Dave Waters, Greg “Lulene” Hardin, Steve, and some others again.  It was fun being back down there and I met this handsome man named John who also said I was gorgeous. “Be still my heart.” He was incredibly handsome.

            Steve, Fran, and I went with this cute fellow John over to the Crossroads Mall  where he wanted to shop for gift to give to Clariss and Rob Bullock, the Empress and Emperor of the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire. However he was taking too long and I was tired and Fran was hungry so we left and went home. I fixed us a mushroom pizza for lunch.

            After that we ran around to get things for our table tonight, like a Styrofoam cooler to put ice in. We also went to the state liquor store and bought a quart of cherry vodka, some straight vodka, and 4 peach wine coolers. The straight vodka was for Greyhounds that Fran wanted to drink.

At first I was going to have Bloody Marys but I had drunk enough of them at the Hospitality Suite that I changed my mind.

            I wanted to dress kind of casual so I wore my light color blue jeans and a pink shirt with a checkered blue boy tie. Fran wore my lavender ruffled opera shirt with black slacks. She looked great. Her hair sure has tuned salt and pepper now. She says I caused it. Ha! I probably did.

            Anyway Mike and Eric came over to the apartment to spruce up and both were wearing pink roses as boutonnieres. Mike camped it up a little by carrying a glitzy gold glitter purse.

            When 5 o’clock rolled around, we were off to the races. We parked as near Howard Johnsons, at the north end of the Salt Place. The weather had cleared up and it became quite nice out. Nothing worse than wet dogs and drag queens. Well Salt Lake got an eye full of drag queens and dapper young men, this late afternoon racing off to the Salt Place clutching pearls, tiaras, and booze.

            Inside the Salt Palace ball room, our table was second from the back and two over from the cat walk. We had a good view of the procession ramp.

Curtis Jensen was dressed as Marlene from the Love Birds, which is the 60’s girl group that David Waters Lulene, and Curtis had put together . Marlene was dressed in a tight white dress with big polka dots with a huge bouffant hairdo wig like from 1965. He was as cute as all get out.  I gave Curtis a Peach Wine cooler and was teasing him by calling his group “the Love Vultures.” Graham Bell came late and he sat at a table behind us. He was dressed in chic 1940’s film noir drag complete with dark glasses.

            Lyle Bradley came and sat with us for a while also before going back to his own table. We just kept having people come up to our table all night long. I thought we would have to table hop all night to visit with people but instead folks were table hopping to us. Us having a booze, surely helped made us popular.  At one point Fran said to Mike Pipkin that if he drank all our vodka, she would cut his dick off. Fran is so ballsy. Ha!

            A straight couple was also seated at our table  and Fran became chummy with the guy who was named Ron after his girlfriend passed out.

            I also saw Alma Smith who was acting as a door monitor  to keep people out who didn’t buy a ticket and I also saw Bob McIntier who was sitting with Metropolitan Community Church people rather than with the Restoration Church folks. What a difference a year can make when I was here as a representative of the Restoration Church, scared to death.

            The Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire’s Coronation XII began at 6 in the evening and the Salt Palace’s  hall was filled with about a thousand people or more. Basically Coronation is one long drag show, one after another, laborious, tedious, and monotonous but the love, exhilaration, and celebration brought to the affair, by the Gay community, is wonderful. It’s almost impossible to capture the queer spirit of the occasion except to say it was “too much fun.”

The men’s room was as fun as the show with watching drag queens lifting their gowns to pee. I met this man named Joel Redmond from Idaho Falls who is a school teacher up there, with whom I flirted a lot, especially after getting tipsy on cherry vodka.  I saw Robert Cramer, who I always thought was real cute. I was so drunk at that point I just started kissing everyone. People I just met too.  I probably caught a kissing disease.

Chip Prince came down at 11 to promote the Aardvark Café. He came over to our table and said to me that Billy was at Affirmation tonight and afterwards had gone  down to Aardvarks. I was becoming obsessed with Billy again

It was an excellent evening until I began wearing down at 11:30 and sobering up. I became really disturbed by something Eric Christensen told me earlier about Billy Bikowski. Eric was also drunk and kept saying that Billy’s not worth all the heartache I am putting myself through. He said that I am so much more superior and a better catch.  I then replied then tell me why Billy doesn’t love me. Eric answered “Because Billy is looking for a 25 year old cowboy who is into sado masochism.” That comment just stunned me because it had a ring of truth to it and I’m none of those things. After that conversation, I was still kind of having fun but also having an under lying edginess.

Coronation did not end until 1 in the morning when Donny Eastepp and Donnie Marie, real name Herman Moore,  were crowned.  Lulene was elected to be on the board of the Royal Court so everyone I voted for was elected.

Even though we were exhausted, after Coronation was over, we went to Howard Johnson for the parties that were to follow. However security kicked everyone out of the various rooms so we all ended up in the Hospitality Suite. We were all pretty wasted by then.  I was getting angry and pissed at the sloppy drunks as the morning waned on and finally Fran and I just went home at 3:30.

It was a very bizarre celebration but it was the Grand Dame event of Salt Lake City.  I made out with so many guys tonight that my tongue is sore. Ha! I had a lot of people telling me how handsome I was. It was great as I needed the strokes. I think I did look pretty good. Fran was also in a good mood and she looked cute too.

Additional Material

Empress XII “Donnie Marie” Herman Moore, age 43 died of AIDS, 3 Sept 1996

Emperor XII “Donny” Donald Eastepp, age 43 passed away from AIDS 1 July 2004.

 25 May 1987 Monday

Today is Memorial Day so I didn’t have to go into work and it was a good thing because today is hang-over city. Fran and I were waken at 5 this morning with Mike Anderson was banging around searching for his pajama as I suppose he was going to Backstreet’s morning pajama party that Rose Carrier hosts every year after Coronation

            I had a very restless night as thoughts of Billy Bikowski and sado masochism were like harpies railing about me, disturbing me.

            When Fran and I began stirring at 11 this morning, I went up to see Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis to find out how his weekend went . He said he wanted to go to raging Waters all weekend but the weather was too inclimate.

            It rained for most of the afternoon so those putting flowers out on loved ones graves in the cemeteries must have gotten drenched.

            Anyway the more I talked with Sugar Tush the more I knew I had to go see Billy to exorcise the demons that were tormenting me. I knew that stark reality would douche away the gossamer fantasy.  I took Fran’s car over there because it was raining and I saw that his Rabbit was gone, so I left to go buy some oil for Fran’s Celica because it was low. I was also returning a telephone cord that I think belongs with his recorder.

However the 2nd time I drove by, Billy still wasn’t home. So I parked and climbed the stairs to his apartment where I wrapped the telephone cord around his door knob. I rung his door bell just out of hope and was surprised when he opened the door. I was really surprised because I was sure he wasn’t home.

Billy invited me in to sit down. After giving him back his cord, I finally said, “Billy how could you just get up and leave a room without saying goodbye to me? After all we have been through? How could you cry in my arms for two hours, just a few days before, and then totally ignore me?”

He answered with the excuse that the film shown at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union had really affected him and he had to get out of there before he burst open in tears. I said, “So you had to be alone. That’s no excuse for you could have at least have let me know what was going on.” He next said that he did tell this one girl to come back and tell me that he was leaving but that was such a lame excuse and besides she didn’t.

            I then got up, and went over to stand in front of Billy, poking my finger into his shoulder as I really got mad and said, “Don’t you ever leave a room again without saying goodbye to me. I don’t care what your problems are. I deserve some respect. How do you think that looks to my friends?’

            Billy said I better stop poking him and I said, “make me”. After blowing off steam, I dropped to my knees, looked up into his big blue eyes and said, “Billy you are driving me crazy. “ I said “Sometimes I even have fantasies of coming over here, tying you up, and having my way with you.”  He responded, “Sometimes I fantasize about being tied up.”

Billy is getting so thin but he’s all muscle, wiry without an ounce a fat on his body. He’s so beautiful to me.

            Anyway, something changed in our relationship that afternoon. I felt more in control like I had discovered the schematic to Billy’s love map.

            Billy asked me to go with him outside. I said, why don’t we retrieve his car that he left on Foothill Boulevard. He left it there when he rode his mountain bike up Parley’s Canyon to Park City and was too low on gas to chance taking his Rabbit.

            Anyway, so I drove him over to Foothill. While in the area, we dropped in on Ed Benson the retired school teacher. We ended up spending much of the evening over there. Ed served us dinner as we hadn’t eaten and that was real thoughtful of him.

Ed and I discussed forming a new Affirmation group that would be a support group and not just a social cruise ground for those with Mormon hang ups. Billy said I was just bitching but I called him up short on that and wouldn’t let him get by criticizing me in front of Ed.

I said, “Yes, I might be bitching but I am also trying to be constructive and do something about what I think should be corrected, as one of the founders of Wasatch Affirmation, I have that right. Besides Ed and I are both paid members of Affirmation and also have the right to express our opinions.” So after that he settled down.

            We stayed at Ed’s until nearly 8 this evening when I told Billy that we ought to be going. The rain had stopped and the sun was trying to peek out through the clouds. We then went and picked up his car and I followed him just in case he should run out of gas. He was that low and running on fumes. We made it to the Rainbow Station on 4th South and 7th East. There I left him saying I had to get back home to be with Fran. So I sped off leaving Billy in his White Rabbit.  It felt good like I was in control; to be the one who had initiated leaving.

Back at the apartment, Fran and I spent the remainder of the evening together until she said she thought she better leave for Provo tonight instead of in the morning just in case Mike Anderson comes home and slam bangs around waking her up so she wouldn’t get a good night sleep.  I went with her to get some gas for the Celica at the Rainbow Station and she was gone by 9:30 and I was alone then for the rest of the evening.

            After all the hoopla this weekend, I went to bed early to get some needed sleep. It was a crazy exciting weekend however. I got to spend time with Fran and I met Donald Steward the kid from BYU. I also spent much of Memorial Day with Billy.

           26 May 1987 Tuesday

I went back to work which was a bitch because the computers were down for most of the day. It was really gloomy and rainy today also and everyone at work seemed to be dragged out from the long holiday weekend.

            After work, I came home and did some laundry and straightened up the place. I changed the beds around in the bedroom so I could watch the black and white television that Fran had brought up for me to use as she didn’t want it.

            I would have liked to have gone out of the apartment tonight but I was much too tired and besides it was still cold and rainy. Mike Anderson isn’t here so I am getting used to being alone again and I like it.

 27 May 1987 Wednesday

After leaving work, I rode up to the Deseret Gym to work out. I also wanted to de-tox from some of the residue alcohol that may be in my system from last weekend by sitting in the sauna. Seeing the cute boys discretely showing off their dicks, by just partially covering their laps with a towel, was also an incentive.

            I weighed in at 199 pounds so I broke the 200 pound barrier finally. I’ve been off sugar as well as meat so that must be helping.

            I left the gym at 9 o’clock, horny from seeing the nudes in the sauna, so I rode my bike down Main Street to the Magazine Shop. I saw Eric Christensen and Shawn Donnelley there in the adult section perusing the men magazines.  We visited some and mostly talked about Mike Anderson. Eric really has a bad crush on him but it’s not reciprocated.

            When I came back to the Juel Apartments, I saw Ken Bruck as I was coming in. Mike was already home talking on the phone.  Later I heard the guys talking loudly down the hall in the laundry room. Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis, Ken Bruck, James Conrad were all there doing their wash and being silly. So Mike Anderson and I went down to join them. We gabbed about Affirmation and how we are sick of the way Russ Lane is trying to make it like a church meeting instead of a social group.

            Mike Anderson spent the night at my place and I went to bed at 11:30. I really haven’t had the chance to sit down with Mike to find out what is going on in his head.

 28 May 1987 Thursday

It rained this morning but cleared up in the afternoon.              I went to the dentist today to have a cavity filled. I won’t need to go back to see Dr. Russon until December 3rd. After that I went back to work.

            Back at Utah Title, at 5:30, Leon Lawson a Title Officer and Canyon Anderson ganged up on me about the article in last Sunday’s Tribune in which I was mentioned. I was quite honest with them and said that I’ve left the Mormon Church, that I no longer believe the Book of Mormon is authentic, and that I am happy in my “life style”.  I told them that I loved them and thought they were great guys and if they are happy within the LDS Church, then I am happy for them but I was not.

            Canyon has a hard time accepting Gay love as anything but lust. I told him that my love for Billy Bikowski is as sincere, devoted, and as real as any heterosexual love. Love is love. Gay or non Gay.

            It was really freaky however to finally be so honest with two co-workers whom I really trust and like a lot and I think like me. Time will tell what may happen now when talk gets around the office. Canyon is giving his notice this Monday so I really won’t have to deal with him much more. But I will miss him.

            When I came home, Mike Anderson was gone somewhere. Mel Baker called me to visit and to plan a night of playing the board game “Diplomacy.” Then Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis called and asked me to go with him to John Gatzmeyer’s “Loving Yourself” group at Holy Cross Hospital. I said I would and it was good that I went as I learned these three principles: 1) I am 100 percent responsible for everything in my life, 2) Don’t Judge it, 3) Chose Joy and focus on it. I should go to that group more often as I learn so much from it and I should use it like I did Overeaters Anonymous.

I told Sugar Tush I just wanted to walk home from Holy Cross. I went down 9th East to see Billy but he wasn’t home.

           29 May 1987 Friday

I was paid today and cleared $514. During my lunch break, I rode my ten-speed in the rain down to my bank to deposit my check and then came back to work. I bought a little marijuana for $14 from some kids at Utah Title. I really didn’t want it for myself. I just wanted to have it in the house to be hip. Stupid I know. I don’t even have rolling paper or a pipe in which to smoke it. Ha!

Maybe I will make some marijuana brownies for Affirmation’s pot luck ha! Maybe that would loosen up the tight asses there.  Wouldn’t that be a hoot! I wouldn’t of course.

It’s the first time I’ve ever bought dope since 1970 when I was crazy in love with John Cunningham and I knew he had started smoking weed with his brother Andy who was in the service.

I had a slice of cheese pizza for lunch in the break room at work, supplied by the company. I felt a little awkward going down to the break room by myself,, Jon Butler and I call the break room the lion’s den as the women constantly gossip about everyone. I was intrepid, even knowing that the Sunday Tribune article has been the office gossip. But I thought “fuck it. Go show them that I am not ashamed of anything.”

Well after work, I didn’t want to sit home alone so I rode my ten-speed up the University of Utah for the exercise. I rode by the Scarsdale but could see that Billy’s car was not there so he was probably not at home.

On Campus I saw that there was a free Reggae concert being held on the knoll area outside of the Union Building and Orson Spencer hall. The music was really good and people were jammin’ to the vibe.

I went and cruised the men rooms in OSH and I came across someone I knew. We talked for a while as he was upset that he had gotten arrested Wednesday while cruising in Sugar House Park. He was freaked out.  Fortunately for him they just gave him a ticket and he wasn’t handcuffed and booked.

Poor Darrell Hunt was really humiliated and abused last year when he was arrested in a witch hunt sting operation in Idaho where they published his name in the newspaper. That got him fired as a music teacher in a high school up there and his wife divorced him.

After talking to this guy and comforting him, I didn’t feel much like cruising so I left campus. I rode down to Smith’s Food King on 9th East and cashed a check for $15 before heading down to the Aardvark Café.  I saw Chris Brown from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union at Smith’s and I said hi to him. He’s a neat guy.

Anyway at Beau Chaine’s place I sat and talked with Curtis Jensen, who was there for most of the night, until 1 in the morning. I drank several cups of coffee while there. I don’t think I will ever really get into coffee drinking but it’s a change from soda and I feel so “bohemian” sitting in a Gay Café into the night chatting about current events and the lives of people we know.

Curtis and I talked about so many in the community are moving out of state; Scott Dunn, editor of the Triangle, Jake Smit, Graham Bell, David nelson, Val Mansfield, and others. It’s like a major exodus of Gay activists and it’s scary. I hope there are folks out there waiting in the wings to take their place because their leaving will leave a vacuum; especially if the Triangle Magazine folds.  That will be a sad blow for the community. But Let Go Let God.

I told Curtis that we can’t solve the entire Gay community’s problems and issues but if we just do but one thing that is in our power then the community will be better for it. I’m with the Wasatch Church of Christ and thinking of starting back up the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation as an alternative to Russ Lane’s group. Curtis is active in LGSU, and the Desert and Mountain States Conference. Beau has created the Aardvark café as a type of community center. There’s so much to be done.

I realize now that I can’t be giving as much of my energy to Billy Bikowski as I have been.

 30 May 1987 Saturday

I had a phone call from Mel Baker at 8:30, wanting to know if I still wanted to play a board game with some friends of his this morning. I said sure and he asked could I be at his place in the Avenues by 9:30? I said I’d try. I was still tired from last night as I didn’t get to sleep until 2:30.

            Mel woke me up from the horniest dream I was having about Billy Bikowski, in which I was eating out his crotch royally. It seemed so real I could almost taste him.

            Anyway I got up, showered and rode my ten-speed to this guy’s apartment in the Avenues. As I had to go up the hill, I rode by Billy’s where I dropped in to see him. I just had to as I was so horny to see him.

            When he opened the door he was dressed in scroungy cut-offs, no shirt, and his hair was sticking out in all directions as if he had just gotten up. I laughed and said “Fantasy is so much better than reality.” He had me come in and I salaciously told him about my dream. I think it made him a little horny also. Anyway he went and cleaned up a little and said he wanted to jog alongside me as I rode my bike up to S Street in the Avenues. Then he went jogging on his own.

            I played a board game called Civilization that I really enjoyed with Mel Baker, Richard “Ragnar” McCall, and some others I just met for the first time, named Marty, Richard, Phil, and Roger.  It was intensive and we played until 4 in the afternoon. The game typically takes eight or more hours to play and is for two to seven players. Only Mel, Ragnar and I were Gay, the rest of the guys were straight. Marty was really cute but Mel says he’s really homophobic.

            Anyway after playing all afternoon, I left and rode my ten-speed back over to Billy’s place. He was home and I stayed with him until almost 9 at night. I am totally worn out by the mental mind fuck that Billy gave me and perhaps I him.

            At first he was horny and so I massaged him and was about to have oral sex with him when he changed his mind. I am so tired of this. I love him. I want to be with him. I also have physical needs and so does Billy whether he admits it or not.

            We talked, argued, laughed, and fought for the rest of the evening going around in circles. Circles always in circles.

            When I left and came home I was so tired and I was ready to head to bed when Donald Steward surprised me by dropping by. He said he just wanted to say hi because he didn’t want to go to the show with his BYU friend Janelle who he considers a good friend but that is all. She’s what we call a “fag hag” which is an endearing term and not mean at all although it sounds like it.  Fran is a type of Fag Hag.

            Anyway I went with him and we walked down 4th South to the Aardvark Café. Nothing was going on there so we walked down 3rd West to the Deer Hunter where I saw Derek Kaufman sitting at the crowded bar.  Later Shawn Donnelley showed up and hung with us.

Derek said that he had been mugged last Saturday and his eyes were still black and blue. You never know when you will get attacked for being Gay.

It seems that right after Donald and I left him last week at the Deer Hunter, this guy he was cruising came up to him and asked for a ride over to Backstreet where he said he had left his car.

            On the way over, this guy says he has a gun and demanded Derek’s wallet and car keys.  Derek says, “You don’t have a gun” and the guy slugged him right in the nose which stunned him. The guy grabbed Derek’s wallet and took off running. Derek yelled after him and five Gay guys nearby came running to assist and they jumped this fellow and beat the shit out of him.

So Derek got his wallet back but he didn’t check his wallet until later. Money was missing so the crook got away with $40 that he had pocketed.  Well I guess getting the shit kicked out of him, the bastard worked for the money.

            I can’t believe how victimized the Gay community is. Poor Derek. I gave him such a big hug. Anyway while talking with Derek, I could tell that Donald was more interested in him than me. Donald likes the rugged bearish lumberjack type of guy so I backed off and actually was glad to see Donald and Derek getting together. Because I have this weird love for Billy, I don’t feel that upset about Donald jumping from me to Derek.

            After leaving the Deer Hunter, Derek gave Donald and me a ride back over to the Aardvark where I saw Curtis Jensen hanging out there again with others from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I hope Beau can really make a go of the place as Gay people need a place to hang out besides the bars.

            Anyway after walking back home, I didn’t get to bed until 2 in the morning again.  I am just fatigues by Billy Bikowski but things are getting better and better. I’m more and more able to be less hurt by his rejection of my love and more objective seeing Billy as a really flawed human being. I guess the Limerence I feel for Billy is over.

Additional Material

Limerence: An involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated

 31 May 1987 Sunday

I was wakened at 8 this morning by a phone call from a Lesbian mother, wanting information about the Wasatch Church of Christ. I told her that I didn’t think we were what she was looking for, so I told her about the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church. I tried to go back to sleep but I only slept in until 10:30 before getting up for the day. When I cleaned myself up a little, I noticed that it was really windy outside.

            Anyway Alma Smith called and said that he wouldn’t be able to make it to church today. I told him about my desire to reactivate the old Salt Lake Affirmation and Alma said he didn’t think I was consistent in keeping organizations going. The shit. Oh well. I told him I’m just trying to find a niche.

With Craig Hunter down in Phoenix and Mike Anderson, only  God knows where he’s at,  I was the only one at Church today so I did the service by myself. I haven’t heard from Mike since last Tuesday.      

I called Mel Baker at KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians to ask him to plug the new Affirmation Group.  Instead he had me do a phone interview about it and boy was I nervous. I want to see how I sounded tomorrow when the program airs.

            Any way, right afterwards I rode my ten-speed up to 13th East, to attend the Wasatch Affirmation. There they showed the 2nd half of the “Male Bonding” video. I sat with Billy Bikowski who showed up and I had a pretty good time. It was good to see familiar faces and all.

            From Affirmation I was going to go to Aardvark Café, so I asked Billy for a ride. He said he was just about out of gas. I said I had 2 bucks on me to get some gas. He then made a big deal about being independent. I said don’t do this to us. Friends help each other out. He was adamant so I figured that his real reason was that he didn’t want me along. I was miffed so I just rode back home instead.

            In the news Reagan wants to mandate the testing of federal employees for AIDS.  It’s just his administrations way to find out who the fags are in government service.

JUNE 1987

10 June 1987-

“r 2nd meeting of Salt Lake Affirmation. Topic was on Gay Self Image. Afterwards those in attendance came down to the counter area of the Aardvark Café for coffee. Beau Chaine was catering a straight party in the banquet room. We were just goofing around and having fun as usual, when Beau gets upset and wants us to tone down for the straights.  That really upset me and I let him know it. I told Beau that Gays should be allowed to express themselves in the same manner as non Gays in a public place; especially in a supposedly Gay oriented business, and he called me immature and walked away. We weren’t doing anything outrageous either just leaning on each other but Beau’s paranoia was apparent.  Later Beau called me at home not to apologize as much as to explain his position and charm me back into the fold. I had Beau define his definition of what the Aardvark Café is.  He said that it was not a Gay Café like the Gingerbread House  but is to me more of a liberal coffee house opened to both Gays and Straights. However it was clear that the Straights were to take preference on dictating behavior. I told Beau that I could go to Denny’s or the Village Inn and get that same attitude. The reason the Gay community is supporting the Aardvark, through its volunteered labor, is to have a place where Gays can be themselves.  That is the reason I gave Beau $200 to get his zoning license, not for him to build a place that will negate certain Gay behavior.  I’m not going to boycott Beau by any means- because any establishment which caters to Gays at all is good for the community.  The Gay Help Line is back and operating out of the Aardvark Café.  I want to however move the Salt Affirmation from Aardvarks to the Crossroads Urban Center.” (155)

 

14 June 1987-

Tony Feliz was voted out of office of Presidency of the Restoration Church at their General Conference in California. Bob McIntier was sustained as the new President of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ.  “Ran into Bob McIntier at the SL Central Library and we talked for a while and I got the dope on what  happened in the Restoration Church’s Conference in Sacramento, California.  Tony Feliz was voted out of the first Presidency and has since  resigned from the church altogether.  Only four people still sustain his as a prophet, including Michael Howard, Sandra McDonald, and Jon Butler.  Bob said that at the Conference, Tony was stonewalling and dragging out everything so finally Stan Dickie stood up and said ‘Why don’t you shut up so we can vote on proposal 14 A so we can get you the hell out and we can get on with the conference!’ Tony was shocked when members cheered Stan so a vote was taken and Tony was kicked out. Bob McIntier, Pamela Calkins, and Randall Lorenz were sustained as Temporary Presiding Presidents of the Restoration Church.  Bob says he not a prophet but rather an interim leader. John Crane is also no longer the Patriarch of the Restoration Church and has been humbled too. I asked Bob to formally remove my name from their membership list.(155)

 

16 June 1987-

Members of Salt Lake Affirmation went to see Prick Up Your Ears at the Plitt Theater on Main Street. (155)

 

16 June 1987-

“Talked to Michael Ortega at the Crossroads Urban Center and decided to move Affirmation there and meet at &;30 on Tuesday nights.  If we met on Wednesday we would have to jump up and downstairs. By meeting on Tuesday we will be consistent.(155)

 

17 June 1987

Salt Lake Affirmation met at Aardvarks for the last time. In attendance were John Reeves, Ken Francis, Ken Bruck, James Connally, Shaun Donnelley, Kevin Clark, and Ben Williams. The topic was “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” “It was a pretty good meeting and we got to talk out some feelings. (155)

 

18 June 1987-

Gay Pride Meeting held at RMCC “Bruce  Barton came up to me and said that he was so excited that we are starting an alternate Affirmation because he knew of several people he would like to send to Affirmation but he wouldn’t send them to the “ward” up on the hill.  He’s mad at Russ Lane anyway because when Wasatch Affirmation changed their meeting times, Russ called Bruce up while Russ was still eating breakfast and between crunches says “Well we changed our meeting schedule to accommodate you. Now you can send all those people you say you have to us.” Bruce was furious and hasn’t spoken to Russ since. (155)

 

18 June 1987-

Loving Yourself Support Group held at Holy Cross Hospital and facilitated by John Gatzmeyer. (155)

 

21 June 1987-

The Knights of Malta held a BBQ at the in-between to initiate the in-between as their home bar. (155)

 

21 June 1987-

 At Salt Lake Affirmation Beau Chaine made a public apology to Ben Williams about their disagreement two weeks ago. “He said that he had been doing a lot of thinking and I was right. Beau said that Gays need a place just to be their selves.” Beau Chaine is furious with Russ Lane director of Wasatch Affirmation. Beau claimed that Russ uses the Affirmation info line to pick up guys and claims that is how in fact he met his latest boyfriend Cory.  Beau knew Cory from years ago when one of Cory’s employees turned Beau into the LDS Church for being Gay.  Beau is withdrawing his financial support of Wasatch Affirmation because of Russ Lane’s alleged unprofessional use of the phone line.” (155)

 

22 June 1987-

“Russ Lane is all upset about Beau Chaine calling him and telling him that the Gay Help Line will be referring people to Salt Lake Affirmation  instead of Wasatch Affirmation and withdrawing his financial support. Beau is doing so because he feels that Russ is misusing the Affirmation info line to trick with people.  I suppose Russ wanted to explain his side of the story and wanted me to jump to his defense. I didn’t at all. I just said to him, ‘Russ everyone in this community talks about each other. People talk about Bruce Barton, You, me, but all we can do is conduct ourselves in an exemplary manner. We have to know that we are full of integrity and if we are not then it is time to get our act together.’ Russ then admitted that perhaps he made a few errors in judgment by tricking with some people that have called him. I told him ‘Even one is unethical’. He can not use his position as possessor of  an Affirmation number to use it as a trick line.” (155)

 

23 June 1987-

Salt Lake Affirmation relocated to the Crossroads Urban Center and began meeting on Tuesdays. John Gatzmeyer from the Loving Yourself Group spoke at Salt Lake Affirmation and showed a video on Louise Hay. (155)

 

24 June 1987-

Hunter Davis and Nanci Griffith performed at the Utah Arts Festival. Brought to the concert by Babs DeLay. (155)

 

27 June 1987 Saturday-1

8th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in Greenwich Village

 

28 June 1987- “At Wasatch Affirmation about fifty people attended and I sat on the ‘Deacon’ bench in the back with Curtis Jensen, Greg Harden, and Chuck Whyte.   Well Affirmation had to be the worse ever. Keith McBride gave an ‘Elders Quorum’ lesson on distinguishing differences between the church, the Gospel, and the truth.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was just like being in church with Keith quoting from scripture, well not really- just the Doctrine and Covenants.  I was challenging him on most of the ridiculous statements he was making.  Finally I reminded the group about Mormon Elder Poulman’s attempt to separate the Gospel and the Mormon Church, in General Conference of 1982 and how the general authorities made him change his speech and retape it.  The Mormon church does not believe there is a distinction between the Gospel and the Mormon Church and for Keith to say you could stay an active Mormon if you make that distinction was just plain irresponsible.  I know I was making a lot of people mad but still I knew a lot of people needed to hear what I had to say. In fact this one guy was so mad at me he got up and walked out. I went outside to talk to him and he said that he came here to hear the gospel  not listen to a cat fight.  I said that this is a support group not a church and he responded by saying that I was interfering with Keith’s presenting his lesson and I was just being disruptive. I told him that if he wants church lessons perhaps he should go back to church but if he needs to be with people who are wanting to dialogue with each other then he should stay.  I also said that somewhere between the bullshit I’m saying and the bullshit Keith is saying is a point where reasonably thinking people can be comfortable.  I have to add that this guy was really drunk so who knows what his guilt hang ups are but at least he went back into the meeting.  The Wasatch group has gotten people so uptight that people won’t even get up and take a piss or get a drink of water in fear that they might draw attention to themselves.  After the meeting a lot came up to me and said they were glad that I spoke out. I said that I don’t hate the Mormon Church but the its general authorities are living in denial.  They have been like an abusive parent to their Gay children and they continue to deny they have ever been abusive or even that they have Gay Children!  The Mormon Church can only recover and begin to get well when they face the reality of what they have done to Gay Latter Day Saints. Admit it. Ask for forgiveness and then never do it again.  For me to act like the Mormon Church is not abusive is to be like a child protecting an abusive parent because of that child’s fear/love of the parent. I will raise my voice in Affirmation and say no more abuse!. Steve Oldroyd gave me a compliment by saying my activism has given him the courage to be one himself. We make our mark whether we know we have or not.(155)

 

30 June 1987- At Salt Lake Affirmation topic was led by John Reeves on When was our earliest Recollection of our Feeling Gay? (155)