Winter 1st Quarter Journal 1987 January-March

 

1987 age 35 & 36

JANUARY 1987

1 January 1987 Thursday

It’s a new year and a new beginning. I am 35 years old and living a completely different life than I did this time last year. I came out of the closet last year. I am now separated from my wife of 10 years and  living on my own at 350 South 600 East Apartment 3 in the Juel Apartments. I work for Utah Title which I started in September of 1985 kind of in my own department that I created searching the General Index for liens and judgments against people. I used to be a title searcher but now I don’t really have to answer to anyone but the office supervisor. Even though my wife and I are separated, Fran spent the night here with me and was here for most of the day. It was such a lazy day. I didn’t accomplish much. I did do a load of wash but I couldn’t get ambitious enough to clean the apartment. I did go grocery shopping and spent $90 as I didn’t have anything in the house. Troy Nichols, this kid I work with at Utah Title, dropped by in the late afternoon to say hi but other than him I didn’t see any of my friends today. I set Fran up with Barbara Dickey today. That was kind of bizarre. It was strange to be setting my wife up with dates with women and then coaching her on how to behave on a date. I’m like an older brother to her now. If I was not living my life, I don’t think I’d really believe it myself. I called a lot of people today, wishing them a Happy New Year. I even called back to New Hampshire where Billy Bikowski went home for Christmas but he was in Massachusetts so I didn't get to talk to him today. In the evening Dave Reed, Billy’s married friend, called me and we talked for almost two hours about Billy and about how much I love him. But I just don't think the relationship is going anywhere. Dave said that Billy loves and appreciates me as a friend but I said "I'm not Billy's friend. I'm his lover and I want him to love me back." Well it’s a New Year to do anything I wish with it. I want Billy and I want to make a life with him but if he doesn't want to make a life with me then I will find someone who will love me. Like the BOSS says "You can't start a fire without a spark". “Some say you got to stay hungry well I'm just about starving tonight”, Billy. Billy this year you will have to decide what you want from me. You will have to. It was a cold day today with it not getting much above 20 degrees.

2 January 1987 Friday

I was surprised to wake up this morning to find snow on the ground. It must have snowed pretty good last night but it’s clear now. I didn’t do much today but clean the place. However    I decided to fix a spaghetti dinner for my date with Erick Murdock tonight instead of going out and then going to a show.  I met Erick at Affirmation about a week ago.     When I did venture out of the house, I deposited my paycheck and the check that Jean Horan had given me during Christmas in the bank today. That was nearly  $700. I also had to go to AAA on 500 South and 500 East to get the car insurance renewed on the car that I let Fran have when we separated last July. She had let it lapsed.  It felt good to be out walking even if the air was nippy.  My new best friend, Mike Anderson, came over in the late afternoon and we visited as I got ready for my date. He stayed until 6:45 in the evening then he had to run off to do his show for the Salt Lake Acting Company. This Sunday will be the last performance of Saturday Voyeur for the season.  Anyway, Erick and I looked in the Tribune to see what movies were playing and we decided on seeing “Room with a View”. Erick had seen it before but had liked it so well he wanted to see it again.  We ate the spaghetti dinner I fixed, and drank the wine that he had brought. Then we retired to the couch to visit and get to know each other better. I read to him some of my poems and I kissed him. He responded back sweetly. We then left for the movie at 8:30 and we went to the Plitt Carriage Trolley Theater. A Room with a View was wonderful and now one of my favorite movies. It was exquisite and in the same genre as “Brideshead Revisited.” After the show let out,  Erick took me home where I asked him inside to make out some more. I really enjoyed his company.  He’s only 24 years old but very mature, more so than lots of guys I know. It’s probably because he had been married and has a little boy.  Erick left at 1:30 in the morning and I do hope to see him again soon because he’s a neat guy.

3 January 1987 Saturday

So what is going on in my world? James Conrad and Frank Fatah were almost killed by a maniac trashing James’ truck last December, then Fran’s friend Jennifer Triff was murdered by her husband on Christmas Day, and then Mike Pipkin introduced me to a friend of his named Ken who said he was attacked and stabbed while walking home from a laundry mat the other night near here. Mike had returned from Moab today and came over to store some of his things at my place until Jon Butler gets back from his trip with Richard Keller. He’s staying at Jon’s place upstairs. I heard from Fran that Beau Chaine is in the hospital, with a blood clot on his brain from falling at a work project for the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church . Evidently he was helping tear down the garage when he stepped through some plywood and fell, landing on his head and shoulder. He was taken to the LDS hospital where he had surgery done and is in the shock trauma operating room. Mike was really shaken by the news about Beau as he had a big fight with him right before leaving to go home to Moab right before Christmas. Mike may have to put all that behind him to help Beau keep his Gingerbread house Café dream alive by working there and keeping it on schedule. How bizarre and poor Beau. After hearing the awful news, Mike, his friend Ken, and I went over to Beau’s place to check on his doggies. We were afraid they might have been neglected in all the confusion but fortunately there were people staying at Beau’s looking after them. They said that Beau is going to recover thank God. There are a lot of people praying for his speedy recovery. Billy did call me today before I heard the news about Beau and I don't know if I'm happier or more depressed after hearing from him. I love him so much but he says he is leaving Salt Lake again in the spring so what future do I have with him? He also said that he won’t be returning to Salt Lake from New Hampshire until the 15th because he is working at some mill in Vermont. I told him that I would go talk to his landlord and explain his situation so that he doesn't get evicted. I will have to call Billy Bikowski back tomorrow to tell him about Beau’s accident. When I was through talking to Billy I walked over to 9th East and 1st Siouth where I talked to his manager and he seemed cool enough.

Additional Material

Beau Chaine operated the Gay Help Line. He had reported in the Triangle Magazine, “Since last September the Gay Help line received 423 calls asking where to go to meet people, 76 prank or suicide calls, 104 Jerk off requests, 36 pure crank calls, 327 hang ups 46 asking medical  information, 9 counseling calls, 28 married or bisexual calls, and 93  persons who just had no one else to talk to.”

4 January 1987 Sunday

    Fran spent the night with me again and was a little tiffed at Candy Steele and Cathy, the lesbians she met last year and became friends with. She said she felt left out when they don’t extend themselves to her after Fran has been so generous to them, even to a fault. There is a definite Utah stinginess that is ingrained in the culture here and some people are more affected by it than others.  Fran went to an LDS Church Sacrament meeting today while I had Richard Keller and Jon Butler down in my place for a late breakfast. In fact, it was  so late that Fran was back from church in time to be able to eat with us. I made hash browns, milk gravy, biscuits, bacon and eggs. It was a good old Southern breakfast, the kind Mom used to fix for us as kids on Sunday mornings.  I really like Richard and am so grateful that Jon has found someone to be with. I hope they can make it work. They are really cute together and act like they are on their honey moon.     In the afternoon, I tried to type up some of my journal from 1986 while waiting from Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez, this Lesbian couple I know, to show up. They never did. It’s a good thing I didn’t cook a big dinner like the one I had planned on doing.  Instead Fran, Richard, Jon and I went to see “Room With A View” at a matinee showing after hearing me rave about it. They all just loved it too.  Coming home, I made some Chicken and Dumplings  for the Affirmation pot luck tonight. I was expecting CBS to be there to film, but Russ Lane, the Affirmation chapter director, said that he was told that because of what they had already on Carol Lynn Pearson they had enough footage for their news cast.  Fran went to the Wasatch Affirmation meeting at the Unitarian Church on 13th East Affirmation with me and while there weren’t’ that many Lesbians there, she was a hit among the Gay men. She’s so enthusiastic, bubbly and shocking. There I met an incredibly good looking guy named Shawn. He had called me last month saying he had just moved to Salt Lake City and saw that my phone number was in the Advocate Magazine. I had placed an advertisement for the support group I started called Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. So he called the number to find out what other support groups were in Salt Lake. I told him then that perhaps MADGAL was not for him as he had never been married but I told him about Affirmation and the Lesbian and Gay Student Union meetings. That is how I came to see him at Affirmation. He latched on to me somewhat because I think he felt like we had a connection already because of our telephone conversations.   Now comes the bad news. He’s only 20 years old. How could I ever hope to become involved with someone 15 years younger than me? But he is so good looking and my type exactly. I know it is shallow to fall for a type but I can’t help it. The heart knows what it wants. He’s brunette, has an athletic build, somewhat shy, a gorgeous smile, intelligent, stimulating, charismatic and from all appearances he has gotten his head together. He works for Continental Airlines as a steward so he is at least stable in that department. Anyway enough about Shawn but I am really drawn to him and want to become at least good friends with him. I sat near Shawn and Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis during the pot luck. That's how I got to know Shawn. I also saw Erick Murdock at Affirmation but he seemed rather sedate around me, not at all what I had expected after our date on Friday because I really enjoyed it and I thought he had too. In fact when he left the meeting he didn’t even say “goodbye” which kind of disappointed  me because it was a sign letting me know that our relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere.  After the meeting, about 17 of us went to Village Inn to have coffee and to visit some more.  I again sat with Shawn. I am just drawn to him.  Doug “Beautiful Blue Eyes” Webb and Fran seemed to really hit it off and he was surprised when he found out that Fran and I were married after Fran had said to him, “You can fuck Ben but don’t fuck with him,” meaning she doesn’t want anyone hurting me.     It was a fun time at Village Inn and it was Doug who gave me a ride home. I asked him in to visit so we could get to know each other a little better. Fran was already here also and spent the night again. Tonight is Mike Anderson’s last performance in Saturday Voyeur so he didn’t make it to Affirmation.

5 January 1987 Monday

It had snowed during the night and it snowed off and on all day and again through the evening.  The ski resorts are getting up to 3 feet or more of snow so it’s a welcomed storm for them. Down here in the valley it is a slushy mess and a nuisance with cars stuck and lots minor fender benders. On days like these I am so grateful I can just walk across the street to go to work.  Fran was late for work this morning herself because I accidently turned the clock forward an hour so it was 7 instead of 6 when she got up. Oh well. Sometimes these things occur.  Work was okay although I’m afraid tomorrow will be a bitch of a day because the printers are all screwed up. Troy Nichols was being such a pest today, the cute shit. I wanted to strangle him. In the evening I got a ride up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union meeting because of the snow. There we discussed what true love means to us. We were asked to write down our definitions and I wrote, “True Love. What is it? Pain if unrequited. Can we ever have it? Only if one is willing to pay the price, Do we want it? We are helpless to avoid it. True love is Eros, Agrippa and Philo entwined in a trinity of love and like fire it can be a curse or a blessing to the one who possesses it.” Shawn came to LGSU by himself and after the meeting was over I immediately asked him for a ride down the hill. He said sure and then suggested we go to Denny’s  for Coffee to spend some time with the LGSU kids. I invited Shawn over for dinner this Wednesday with no hopes or expectations because I just want to be friends. I was surprised when he asked me over for a dip in his apartment’s hot tub but I took a rain check. I didn’t want to get a chill in the cold winter storm.  It was fun being with people from LGSU at Denny’s. I came to know Mel Baker one of the hosts on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I already liked his politics. He said this October there will be a March on Washington for Gay Rights. I am already planning on being there after listening to him tell about it. I need to start saving for it now. I wrote Billy Bikowski a letter today about what is going on here in Salt Lake. I did sort of ask him again about what he wanted from me. And if he doesn't want me to love him, I will resign myself to try and get over him. But I told him to really, really think about it because once I stop loving him I will not turn back. So I told him to be certain about what he wants.

I went to bed dreaming of Shawn.  God I don’t even know his last name.

6 January 1987 Tuesday

In the evening I did some more typing on my journal when about 8:30 I became really melancholy. I called John Cunningham but he wasn’t home. I called Billy Bikowski also and he wasn't home either. I then called Mike Anderson and he wasn’t home.  So I went up to see Jon Butler and he wasn’t home and neither was Russ Lane. I finally went through my telephone address book, starting with the A’s and no one was home until I reached the K’s. I thought cripes is everyone out this evening but me?  Anyway Derek Kaufman was home and as it turned out he had heard some distressful news and needed someone to talk to. It was almost like fate allowed me to help Derek when he need it. He’s a good man and I appreciate him a lot.

7 January 1987 Wednesday

Poor Troy Nichols, at work he was either on drugs or booze or both. He better pull his act together or he’s in for a fall. I was tired for most of the day but I was excited about Shawn Donnelly, that is his last name, coming over for dinner. So I fixed fried rice and Chinese Pepper steak. When he called about 6 this evening,  I freaked out thinking that he wasn't coming over for dinner and said "What do you want?" and he said timidly, "Am I still coming for dinner?" I felt like such a jerk but it was partially Billy Bikowski's fault because I am so paranoid about being disappointed by people standing me up. I later explained to Shawn about why I freaked and sounded weird. I read to him my poem HAPPY BIRTHDAY which was about Billy's no show for his birthday. Anyway Shawn came over at 6:30 and stayed until 9 at night. We drank a little wine, ate dinner, and I enjoyed getting to know him. I gave him a massage and we kissed a little. However as we talked we both agreed that we really wanted to just be friends more than lovers. That is probably just as well as friends are harder to find than lovers. Richard Keller and Jon Butler at one point came down to my place and they looked so cute together. It looked like love to me. After Shawn left, I went upstairs to see Russ Lane and we visited some. I also made him nervous by chasing him around the room. I am always wanting to get into his pants. Why? Today is my 10th Wedding anniversary. I suppose that is a mile stone of sorts even if I’m here in Salt Lake City and Fran is down in Utah County. I called her at 11 tonight. I didn’t mean to wake her up but I had to talk to her. I couldn’t allow the day to pass without telling her “I love you.” She said she loved me too. I told her if I had to do it all over again, I would marry her again. In some ways she will always be my number 1.

Additional Material

The first AIDS Consortium was organized by AIDS Project Utah to enable representatives of various AIDS support services to share information, eliminate needless duplication of services, and establish a useful network with one another. Meeting held at St. Joseph’s Villa with Jeffrey Burkhardt, a member of the Board of directors of APU conducting the meeting.

8 January 1987 Thursday

During my lunch break I had Mike Pipkin, Richard Keller, and Jon Butler over for lunch today. We finished off the fried rice and pepper steak I made yesterday. In the evening I went with Troy Nichols to the Deseret Gym where as his dad had put me on his family membership as “Jason Nichols. I mainly worked out on the universal gym, rode the life cycles, and ran about a half mile. Then I sat in the sauna and steam room. It felt good to open up the pores and be active again. Afterwards Troy came over to my place until 9, smoked a little dope and watched television. It’s been a week into the new year already and what is in my head? I am on the verge of catching a cold. I think I may have even already caught it but I am pumping Vitamin C and going to bed early. I hope I’m not really getting sick. I am a little blue tonight.  It is probably brought on by my not feeling well. I wonder if Billy Bikowski is missing me. Do I really want Billy? Is it time to let him go? Can I let him go? He doesn't make me feel desired. I want that. I need that. Billy, I feel like we are drifting away. I would walk over to your apartment to just be near where you live but I'd just cry if I did. I miss you. I am missing Shawn Donnelly too. I called him this evening but he wasn’t home.

Jon Butler and Richard Keller seem to be so in love. I hope they can keep that feeling alive. I talked to Beau Chaine yesterday. He is still in the hospital. He sounded hoarse from the tubes having been down his throat but he said he’s getting stronger each day. He wanted to be home to get the Gingerbread House opened by the 16th. Mike Anderson has an infection in his eyes. He finally went to the doctors to see about it. He should have gone sooner.

Additional Material

The Gay Community Council met at Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church to discuss the purpose of the council. Michael Aaron launches the Utah Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project which tracks hate crimes against homosexuals.

9 January 1987 Friday

I just got off the phone from speaking with John Cunningham my first love. He’s living in Oceanside, California. I called John to wish him a happy 36th Birthday. I said, "You’re getting so old while I'm still young." Ha! It was good to hear his rich deep voice again and I miss him so much; but I think just as a friend now more than a lover, as that we never really were. Billy Bikowski has replaced him, and shit, Billy doesn’t love me either.  We talked about him maybe coming to Utah to visit. I hope he will. We reminisced some about our college days. I remember so much more than he did probably because I was in love with him. I remember so much more. I was surprised when John admitted that it hurt him, probably almost as much as it did me, when we broke up because he said he lost his best friend. Life’s a bitch.  Why did I have to fall in love with John and why couldn’t he have been Gay also? How different life would have been for the both of us. But what is, is. I am just grateful to the Lord that John is back in my life at all.  Well I am down with a cold. I called Bill Sims while at work and canceled our date for tomorrow that we had made during Christmas. I just didn’t want to spread anything to him. So we just postponed it until next weekend.  At work I flirted some with Terry the new kid, who was hired in Customer Service but is now working in the Recorder’s department. He’s straight and LDS  but I can tell he has tendencies as we kept making eye contact. After work, I came home and saw that I had a call from Shawn Donnelly on my recording machine. So I called him back and we visited for a while. He’s a sweet man. Time will tell what impact he may have on my life this year. I am so achy and feverish from this cold. Plus I am sore from working out yesterday, but I am going with Troy Nichols back to the Deseret Gym tomorrow. I went to bed early tonight but at 8:30 I heard a knock on my door. So I put on a robe and went to answer the door. I was surprised to see Russ Lane standing there. I told him that I had a cold but to come in and I’d stay away from him. We visited about my phone call to John Cunningham, about cute Terry from work, Shawn Donnelly, and what is going on in our own lives Then at one point we started shouting at each other. Russ became angry at me and started screaming at me and I at him because I wouldn’t take his shit. He felt like I was criticizing him and Affirmation. Perhaps I was. He said because Mormonism wasn’t my culture I couldn’t relate to people who called him for help. At that I just blew up at him and said, “I went to BYU for 4 years and had put up with more hurt and bull shit from the LDS Church  and from people like you, putting me down because I was a convert.”  We really started in on each other. I accused him of being cruel by taking Gay people to last October Conference to hear that bull shit. He still believes that the LDS Church will someday embrace Gays. I said it will never happen. They may accept Gays if they live a celibate life but will never sanction homosexual unions; which is the only way Gays could express their sexuality according to their dogma. I am sure the whole apartment building and half of Salt Lake’s Gay ghetto heard us screaming at each other about the LDS Church, about being Gay, and about Affirmation. Then at one point, Russ just fell into my arms and cried and cried. I cried too.  He said he loves me so much and valued my opinion of him. I cried with him and said how much I loved Russ. I said that, as out of my faith, God brought me to Utah, therefore I could understand his motives because he did the same thing last year when he felt God brought him to Utah to start up Affirmation. The weather is very cold today but I will not complain, compared to what it was last year.

Additional Material

3rd District Judge Raymond Uno heard arguments whether should Gay bath houses be allowed to remain in business. Bruce Baird attorney for SLC stated “the mere existence of these  nuisances constitutes a nuisance to the public at large.” Because the private rooms violate sodomy statutes and laws against lewdness, Baird made the city’s case with the assumption that homosexual activity was always illegal. Club attorney Jerome Mooney asked police whether arrests for public sex weren’t also made in other areas of the city. The response was that one arrest per week at Liberty Park was not uncommon and the lists of illegal sexual activity occurring there and in Sugarhouse Park would probably each be longer than the list of sex acts observed by vice officers in Jeff’s Gym. The witness also reported having made similar arrests at ZCMI, Crossroads Malls and Sears. Dr. Harry Gibbons, director of Salt Lake City-County Health Department testified that bath houses allowed for a significantly greater number of sexual contacts than other meeting places which encouraged the spread of diseases. Dr. Patty Reagan of Salt Lake AIDS Foundation testified that education is the solution to AIDS and suggested that the baths served as an environment for conveying that information. Baird told The Triangle Magazine that the recent concern about heterosexual transmission of AIDS may have been the spark that moved the city to close the bath houses 11 years after Jeff Gym opened and five years into the AIDS epidemic.  Mooney stated, “Why the city wants to put Gay men back into the parks and bars  ‘where they belong’ I don’t know.

10 January 1987 Saturday

I was under the weather today with this frigging cold. Last night I woke up at 2:30 in the morning from a nightmare and I could not go back to sleep. So I read from my 1986 journal until 6. I just could not sleep and my arms ached so badly from the work out I did last Thursday. I didn’t do much today but ache, moan; take Vitamin C with some herbal teas, and rest, rest, rest. Mike Pipkin came over and stayed most of the day with me. I really didn’t care as I kept drifting in and out of conscientiousness. I did manage to go grocery shopping at Albertson’s on 2nd South as that Smith’s Food King on 7th East and 2nd South has closed down.  It was a nippy day out but back at the Juel, I was warm and toasty inside my snug little apartment for most of the day. Billy Bikowski called me today and I miss him so much. He said that he will be coming home to Salt Lake after the 15th and that he's going to wire me his rent money so I can pay his rent for him. Does he really love me?  Talking to him is like a two edged sword. It brings both pleasure and pain. He doesn't say the words I need to hear. Mark Crux, the Belgium kid from Affirmation, dropped by today. He said that Beau Chaine was home from the hospital but still is in bad shape. Beau is pushing himself too hard to keep the Gingerbread House afloat. Fran came up from Provo this evening and went out with Cathy to Puss N Boots. Fran said her friend Candy Steele is in Holy Cross Hospital with asthma. Russ Lane is coming over tomorrow to watch Charles Kuwalt’s CBS News report about Mormon Gays in Utah. Troy Nichols was supposed to have taken me to the Gym today but he didn’t show up. I didn’t care. I was in bed by 9.

11 January 1987 Sunday

I woke up at 7:30 this morning and found Fran asleep on the couch. I said “why didn’t you use the other bed?” So she said “Why? Do you want to lay on the couch?” I said “Yeah”. She knows me so well.  Anyway Russ Lane came down at 8 and we watch the CBS Charles Kuralt’s blip he did on Mormon Homosexuals. It was fun seeing Rev. Bruce Barton and Mitch Golden being interviewed.  I thought they did a fair piece and Dallin Oaks I thought came across very poorly.     I didn’t do much else today either but rest. I wanted to be well enough to attend Affirmation with Shawn Donnelly. Brad Townsend came over in the afternoon and I ragged on him for still being a Catholic. This illness has really made me cranky and bitchy. But Brad was sweet and didn’t take offense as I wasn’t all that mean. He and Fran went off to the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church together before they attended Affirmation.  I had Shawn Donnelly come over a little early and I fixed him a pizza for dinner. While eating Mike Anderson dropped by and he ate with us before heading up to Affirmation together.   At the meeting Ted and Debbie Fairchild spoke about their relationship and the breakup of their marriage.  I do believe that clinging on to the LDS belief system intensified their pain and also Fran’s. While I divorced myself from that cult before even leaving Fran, therefore my pain was not as great as theirs and still isn’t. There were about 60 people attending the Fireside talk and it was so good to see so many of my friends there which I made over the past year that I hadn’t seen in a while. Cute Craig Hunter couldn’t wait to tell me more juicy gossip about the Restoration Church’s peccadilloes. I saw Richard Lamborn and Guy Larson there also and so many more. I told Richard Lamborn that Helen Cunningham, a Title Officer we both know, knows he’s Gay. It’s funny I do see more of Richard lately now that he’s moved to New York State, than I ever did when he lived here.  I even saw Erick Murdock again but he shied away from me. Fran says he’s too passive for my energy anyway. Perhaps so.  I had a whole row in the Unitarian Chapel filled with my contingency. I sat between Shawn and Mike Anderson. Next to him was Guy Larson, then Richard Keller, and  then Jon Butler.  It was a nice Fireside and we ended the meeting singing “God Be with You until We Meet Again.”  That made me a little sad, as it made me miss what I thought I had within the LDS Church once upon a time.     After the meeting, folks wanted to go down to Village Inn for coffee but I deferred and said I should go home, rest, and try not to push it. Mike was sweet to me and Shawn is a doll but what can I say? How could Shawn and I ever have a serious relationship? He’s still at the “Hey Dude Let’s Party” stage in his life and I’m at the “Hey Let’s relax and snuggle together” stage of my life.  Still it was lots of fun at Affirmation tonight. Russ and I both did a good thing creating this space by the Grace of God. “What a wonderful way to arrive.”

12 January 1987 Monday

This cold has affected my right eye and it looks a lot like “pink eye”. For gross! So I have to wear my glasses rather than my contact lenses. I felt dragged out at work all day but I was able to get through it.  When I came home to the Juel Apartments, I heard that Russ Lane had left a message on my answering recorder. He wanted me to come upstairs and see him. He was so sick himself with the same crud I have. He just needed someone to be with him and give him some moral support. I brought some Vick’s Vapor Rub and same Alka-Seltzer Plus up with me. I held him and then gave him a massage over his achy muscles. I was not as strong as usual either as I am still weak myself with the virus too.  Jon Butler and Willy Marshall dropped by Russ’ place too while I was there. Jon was so sweet to Russ and concerned about his health. I just laid next to Russ and held him in my arms and let my body heat keep him warm. I do love Russ but I’m not in love with Russ anymore.  While we were there one of Russ’ boyfriends called and it didn’t faze me at all because I was the one rocking Russ in my arms and cooling his brow. At one point we all started talking the Church and I began to sob. Sometimes I miss what the Church was supposed to have been but never was.  The Church to me is Spring Time in Provo strolling along Inspiration Walk,  up to BYU, where the smell of Cottonwoods filled the air which reminded me of fields of okra. All the purple crocuses and yellow daffodils were rearing their heads. The Church was Bill Hall, Marta Gillings, Karen Hunt, Michael Allred, and Piper Ballou. It was endless Sunday meetings, sitting next to Mike Allred, rising in the mornings with him, sharing bathroom sinks while shaving, arguing over hot water, walking to Priesthood together. Priesthood was my outlet for my male love for other males. I don’t know why I was crying about the Church. Perhaps I am just melancholic myself, being so ill. Yesterday we sang at Affirmation “God Be With You Until We Meet Again,”  and sitting next to young Shawn Donnelly and young Mike Anderson, it transported me back to a time when I believed the LDS Church loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. Lost illusions can make a grown man cry.  I am still angry that the church robbed me of my faith in the Gospel by being just another human institution after all, with all its weaknesses and well as its strengths. Its nobility however is overshadowed by its dark cruel ignorance of the true meaning of Christ’s declaration to love one another. Shawn called me tonight and left a message asking if I wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. However I was with Russ until 9 so I didn’t hear his message in time. That was sweet of him to be so considerate. I called Fran tonight because Heidi from Affirmation wanted her phone number as I think she has a crush on Fran. Fran said to go ahead and give out her number. She also said that the IRS accepted my amended tax forms that I filled out late. With the penalty we owe $500 which isn’t too bad but I know I’ll end up having to pay it all myself. I need to talk to Bruce Barton this week about renting his cultural hall for a meeting of The Church of Christ I am trying to get off the ground. Give me that old time religion. All things work good to them that love the Lord. I was taught that when I was young.     Billy Bikowski come back to me. Let’s make it work. I must be tired. I want to cry. I am so grateful to the Lord for everything tonight. I know there must be a reason for the way things are.  

13 January 1987 Tuesday

My right eye is filled with puss and inflamed. I know I have an infection in it. Mike Anderson brought me some eye drops that he had been using to put in that right eye. He spent the night here sleeping on the couch. Billy Bikowski sent me $255 by Federal Express to pay his rent so I walked over and paid what he owed from December and January.

14 January 1987 Wednesday

    My eye is so inflamed and this morning, after spending the night with Mike Anderson here at my place, I thought I better go see a doctor. Mike drove me to the Salt Lake Clinic on 9th East and the doctor there gave me a prescription for some eye drops called Maxitrol. My right eye is so crusty and red. I hate the way I look. The doctor said I was infectious so I didn’t go back to work at Utah Title. Instead I just went home and tried to sleep so more and rest. I canceled Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians tonight because I was so tired and sick and no one else wanted to lead it. Besides the weather has turned really frigid right now.

Additional Material

A Holistic Support Group based on Louise Hays began by showing video “Doors Opening: A Positive Approach to AIDS” at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church. (71)

15 January 1987 Thursday

My eye was so horrible looking today. I felt so ran down that I called in sick at work. This infection is Pink Eye or conjunctivitis. I never had it before and I hate it. I just stayed home and watched some television. I hope it clears up before Billy Bikowski comes home. Russ Lane called and said he’s over his cold finally. Mike Pipkin moved out of Jon Butler’s place also.  If Billy Bikowski has come back to Salt Lake I haven’t heard from him if he had.

16 January 1987 Friday

I went back to work today but I didn’t work a full shift as I was so tired. Fran called and said she’s coming up with a VCR so she can watch movies all weekend and take care of me. I am so sick. I can’t even clean the apartment so Fran said she would for me.  In the evening Mike Anderson came over with Ryan Alder the ophthalmologist. Fran and I went with them, along with Lamont Draney, to Backstreet. I really didn’t want to go but Fran wouldn’t have gone if I wouldn’t have. So I went and then later asked Derek Kaufman who was leaving if he would take me home, which he did.

17 January 1987 Saturday

I did little but rest and sleep all day. This eye infection has just really knocked the wind out of my sails. I am so exhausted all the time plus I am running a fever with it.   Fran spent the night with Dave Waters and his friend Susan but later in the afternoon they all came to my place to watch movies on the VCR that Fran had brought with her.  Mike Anderson also had brought a slew of movies over. I did feel well enough to go to the grocery store where I bought nearly $90 worth of food, herbs, and vitamins. It was so cold out. I fixed a spaghetti dinner and invited Dave, Susan, Fran, and Mike to eat with me. I told Russ Lane today that I wanted to chair an Affirmation committee to explore having a Gold and Green Ball like Mormon stakes do. I think that would be a lot of fun.

Additional Material

Gold and Green Ball were “best-dress” dances put on yearly by LDS wards and stakes. Sponsored by the Mutual Improvement Associations, the dances typically attracted young and old. Gold and green were the MIA colors.

18 January 1987 Sunday

I stayed home all day while Fran cleaned the place and did a load of wash for me. She also kept me supplied with hot packs to place over my eye. I didn’t go to Affirmation and neither did Fran. We just stayed home and watched movies on the VCR all day.

19 January 1987 Monday

Today is my dad’s 62nd birthday. I was so ill today that I neither called nor sent off a birthday card off to him. I did go into work but felt completely ran down. My right eye is still swollen but not as completely as last week. It’s still filled with puss and flaming red. Fran had the day off because it’s Martin Luther King’s birthday which is now a Federal Holiday but not observed here in the state. She spent the night and said she will go home to Provo tomorrow morning. I didn’t go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union meeting tonight either. Russ Lane did drop by and we talked a little bit about plans for a Gold and Green Ball sponsored by Affirmation.

20 January 1987 Tuesday

Fran left this morning at 7. Then Billy Bikowski calls me to say that he's coming home today because he's going to fly instead of taking the bus home. He said that he just could not endure a 3 day bus ride back to Salt Lake. So at work, I decided that it’s really important that I be there at the airport when he arrives because I know, from my trip home to California at Christmas, how awful it feels to arrive home with no one there to greet you and I am Billy's family here in Salt Lake. So I talked Troy Nichols into taking me down to the airport to be there for Billy however it was a bitch trying to find what flight he was on out of Boston because the one he said he was coming in on was cancelled. I couldn't have Troy wait for hours at the airport so we went to the Deseret Gym for a little bit then I went home to try and find out his flight again. But as soon as I walked in the door Billy calls and says he's in and I was really disappointed that I wasn't at the airport when his plane landed. But I was doing the best I could without a car of my own. So Troy took me back out to the airport at 7 this evening and I was so excited to see him at the luggage carousel. We got his skis and bike and luggage in the back of Troy's Celica and took Billy back into the city where Troy and I helped him carry his things up to his apartment. Billy then took me home to my apartment after Troy took off, and he stayed for about an hour before taking off, saying that he wanted to go see Jim Rinaldi. So here I am alone again and what am I feeling? Mostly disappointment. Vainly I was hoping, foolishly, that Billy would come back changed and in love with me. That did not happen. He's grateful for all that I’ve done to get him back and forth from New Hampshire. I've proven to be a "good Friend" and that's all. So he left my arms to go be with Jim Rinaldi, who as far as I know, has never done anything for Billy but called him a few times wondering where he was. Well that sums it up. I haven't seen Billy for a month. I've expended my time, money and energy helping Billy in anyway I could, yet it is with Jim that he wants to be with. Not me. So I went to bed and cried when it so forcefully dawned on me so clearly and plainly-this is it. "Dear God in Heaven Billy really, really isn't in love with me. How can that be possible? I sobbed myself to sleep. Hot salty tears and a fierce pounding headache were all I was aware of as I finally and mercifully was allowed to fall asleep.

21 January 1987 Wednesday

I was tired all day at work. I’m still weak from the infection in my right eye but it’s much better. It’s been a week since I went to the doctor’s for it. My heart is weary also from last night. Well at least with Bill Bikowski having been gone a month, perhaps it will make it easier getting over him. I will be okay. Life without Billy will be bearable and I must have faith that there's someone out there who is waiting for me to get over Billy and for me to get on with my life. I wrote a poem about Billy's return. It helps with the healing but still I feel empty inside. Billy left a message on my recorder this evening, when I wouldn’t pick up the phone. I didn’t want to speak to him. Shawn Donnelly called this evening also as did  Lamont Draney, Dave Reed and Mike Anderson, all wanting to know how I was feeling after they heard that Billy was back in town. I didn’t pick up the phone to talk to them either. I was afraid I’d start to bawl. I did call Fran to talk and to tell her how disappointed I am with Billy’s response to me.

22 January 1987 Thursday

I knew that this day would come. Today I said goodbye to Billy Bikowski something I never wanted to do. I thought all day how to let him go as painless as possible. I called him and left a message on his recorder. I asked if I could have my drawing board back that I had lent him for his art class and also asked when could he come and pick up his stereo that I had kept for him while he was gone. I thought that if I could get back my things and give him his back it would be easier breaking up because there wouldn't be any more reason to see each other. When I came home from work I called Michael Anderson to ask him if he had any more eye drops because I was out. Anyway as I was on the phone, darling Billy came over, and I was really surprised to see him at my door. He rode his bike over and he looked so cute with his ski cap and mask over his face. I looked at him and thought of what I had to do, and I said to myself "Oh fuck I can't go through with this.  Not with him standing at my door smiling and beaming at me, my golden boy.” So I invited him in and while sitting on the couch, I screwed up my courage and resolve. He asked me if there was anything wrong. I said, "Have you been home yet?" He said "No” that he had just gotten in from Park City where he had hitchhiked up and back. He said he wanted to go to the Gym with me but I said that I didn't think I would be going tonight. Then my tape player began to play Carly Simon's Torch Song album and the sad love songs on it,  hit me like a jolt. I had taped Billy's album while he was away and hearing them as he sat with me made me despondent.  Billy looked at me and asked "What really is wrong?" And I just burst into tears and cried in torment, "Dear God In Heaven. It's true you don't love me. How can that be possible?" I cried and rambled. I had to get it all out now that the flood gates were opened. I held tightly onto Billy's waist and buried my head in his lap and cried and cried. I told him of my love for him and how I thought love could change the world and how in reality love doesn't change anything but just breaks hearts. Billy said so little. What was there for him to say? He wanted, at one point, for us to get angry and to fight but I said I was not going to make it that easy for him to walk away. Billy said that we had something rare between us that we could really make each other laugh and that we could also sit and not say a word but know what each other was thinking. I said Billy you don’t know how rare that is and I do hope that you find it again. I then said that you have a gift for laughter and I have a gift for loving and perhaps eventually we will find others with whom we can laugh and love but then, still they won't be me and you. “How can it be possible that you don't love me?” I then pulled myself together and tried to compose myself somewhat so that I could try and make a few rational decisions. I said that I would try to get Mike Anderson to help bring his stereo over on Sunday and Billy said that I should call him and keep in touch. I said “No Billy. I'm not capable of going through this again and please don't call me either." I told him how I had saved all his phone messages so that I could hear his voice over and over again and then the thought came to me and I said softly; "I'll have to take your name off my instant phone dialer". That was such a strange thought but it made it all seem so real and then I started to cry all over again. I then got up and went to the bathroom and got his toothbrush and gave it to him and when I knew that he really was leaving, I sat on the couch and took off my glasses so that I couldn't see him clearly; so that I wouldn't see him flash me a sweet smile as he left me. There was no long embrace, no kisses, no tears from Billy, just a sort of "It's been fun" look. He then said "Ciao" and I said "Bueno" and then he walked out the door. Now he is gone and out of my life. I promised myself that I would not cry anymore tonight so I spent the rest of the evening ironing clothes for two hours just to keep my mind occupied.  I also wrote two poems to express what I am feeling. One is called “Only Hoagy and I Understand”. “I will get along very well without you. I have good friends of my own. So I will muddle on through, even if life’s a dreary hell, As my love for you I have out grown. I can get along without you. I’m a man over twenty-one. But when I think of August, When days were long , and the skies so blue, of all those warm nights when we had fun, all I have of you now is covered in dust,  like my faded memories of you.  I get along very well of course I do. But when I remember last August, On your bike you sailed wearing cut off denims light blue, I’ll get along without you because I must.  Sunlight spraying through leafy trees, Saturday afternoon garage sales, A midnight quest for cheese, Your amazing form ringing my door bell. I get along without you very well, until teary eyed I think on these.” The other poem is called “Somewhere, Somehow”.  I fear dear, that there’s no time for me now. But I can wait for this lifetime is short. And I know I’ll find you somewhere, somehow, In Father and Mother’s Heavenly Court. And there, with me, God Damn it, spend some time. Let me sit with thee through eternity Where Celestial lights twinkle and shine. Like the light in my eyes when thee I see. For the glory of you, and not just your shell, Is what I’ll love whether in Heaven or Hell. As I am writing this what do I feel? God, is it possible I feel relief?

Additional Material

“I Get Along Without You Very Well” by Hoagy Carmichael

I get along without you very well of course I do, Except when soft rains fall And drips from leaves, then I recall, The thrill of being sheltered in your arms, of course I do. But I get along without you very well. I’ve forgotten you just like I should. Of course I have. Except to hear your name, Or someone’s laugh that is just the same, But I’ve forgotten you like I should. What a guy. What a fool am I. To think my breaking heart could kid the moon. What’s in store. Should I phone once more. No it’s best that I stick to my tune. I get along without you very well. Of course I do. Except perhaps in spring, But I should never think of spring , For that would surely break my heart in two.

    “I’ll Be Around” by Alec Wilder

I’ll be around, No matter how you treat me now, I’ll be around, When she’s gone, Your latest love, Will never last, And when it’s past, I’ll be around when she’s gone. Goodbye again. And if you find a love like mine, just now and then Drop a line to say that you’re feeling fine, And when things go wrong, Perhaps you’ll see you’re meant for me, And I’ll be around when she’s gone. I’ll be around when she’s gone.

At Salt Lake City Council meeting Chief of Police Bud Willoughby announced that the police would receive Gay Sensitivity training for the first time. “During the final phases of the police audit it came to our attention that a group from the Gay community expressed a concern about the possibility of police harassment of the perception of insensitivity on the part of the police. In our sensitivity training, we must address the reality as well as the perception,.” said Willoughby. David Nelson had been involved in the audit for over a year.

23 January 1987 Friday

El Bizarro day. When I got off work, I came home and listened to my recorder and Billy Bikowski had left another message on it. I specifically had asked him not to call me yesterday and here he goes and does. It really upset me. Anyway he wanted to pick up his stereo today and I said that Mike Anderson and I would bring it over. However he said that he was going to walk over and carry it back to his apartment. Ridiculous. When Fran came about 6:30 this evening, I borrowed the car and went over to Billy's with his stereo. It was really hard seeing him again and I feel like he's playing games with me. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. I got my drawing board and German dictionary back from him and when I left Billy asked if I wanted the gifts back that I had given him. I looked at him so incredulously and said, "Get real Bill." and then I left. Back at my place Fran and I waited for Mike Anderson to come over before going out. When he did we went first to Smith’s Food King. However something went wrong between Fran and me. I can’t even imagine what it was but she became upset with me and left to return to Provo. That really upset me and I thought I can’t take anymore shit right now.  I am really fucked up. Mike didn’t want to go to the show, didn’t want to go to Backstreet, but instead wanted me to come back to his place to watch movies  on his VCR. I was just a wreck inside, and was really horrible company. I had felt pretty good all day but now I am just sick at heart over Billy and Fran. However I need to repeat as my mantra, “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.

24 January 1987 Saturday

I spent all morning cleaning my apartment. I rearrange my bed room by pulling apart my twin beds. Since Billy Bikowski won’t be sleeping here with me anymore, I didn't want them together. It felt too lonely. While I was cleaning up I found a scarf of Billy's and few other things of his, so I called his recorder to say that I would bring them to Affirmation. I was only expecting to hear his machine pick up because I knew that Dave Reed and Billy were going skiing today.  So I really was surprised to hear his voice live. Billy said that he went skiing this morning but wasn't feeling well so he had to come home. He said that he feels really weak. Once off the phone, I called Fran to see if she made it home to Provo okay and told her that Billy was sick and that I was really torn what to do. Part of me wants to go get him some groceries because I know that he is broke and has no food in the house and with him sick I wanted to make him some chicken soup. But the other part of me said to myself that I will never get over Billy if I keep doing for him and that I should let his friends like Scott Wallendorf. or Jim Rinaldi take care of him since Billy loves them and not me. But Fran then said "You know they won't fix him soup or take care of him. Only you will." I knew deep down that this was true, so I decided to do what was best for me. I thought that if any of my friends were sick I'd be taking care of them, so how can I not do it for someone that I love even if it might hurt me a little. In the afternoon I took the bus to Deseret Gym and worked out some as it had been a while. I was still feeling weak so I just did some repetitive weights on the Universal Gym and ran/walked a half mile. I saw Troy Nichols in the steam room and he gave me a ride home as he was getting ready to leave. Both his eyes are infected with the same pink eye that I caught from Michael Anderson. Mike thinks he caught it at the Club 14 bathhouse last month.  I’m still putting drops in my eye and it’s been almost two weeks. So later I took the bus and went to the store and bought about $25 worth of groceries, mainly things to make Billy some chicken soup plus a bag of apples and oranges. I had to stop myself from buying more because I only wanted to make Billy some soup and not fall into the trap of doing anything I can for him. It was a fine line for me to walk. Anyways Billy was surprised to see me and I said, "I've brought you some groceries to help while you are sick. He said that I didn't have to do that and I told him that I did, as much for me or more so, than for him. I arrive there at 6 this evening and was home by 8. Anyways Billy had some company over who were taking him to Trolley Square. I was grateful to be left alone because then I could just make the soup and put things away without having to deal with Billy. I was able to leave before Billy got back home. Back at my place Fran had come up from Provo and was there with Dave Waters and his friend Susan. They wanted to go out dancing at Backstreet so I went with them and had a nice time. At Backstreet I saw Mel Baker there and I spent a lot of time talking to him about his being a co-host of Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL. He uses the name Dean on the air. I told him how grateful I am for the programs he does with his cohost “Mickey”, as that the show was very instrumental in my decision to come out of the closet. Fran and I only stayed at Backstreet until a little after 11 then we went back to the Juel Apartments. I was tired and I think weak still from getting over my conjunctivitis and also from the emotional stress of breaking up with Billy.

25 January 1987 Sunday

Russ was doing his wash this morning at the end of the hall, so he came by my basement apartment to visit. We talked about Billy Bikowski and some other things. It was a nice visit. Anyway most of my day was spent lazily reading the Sunday Paper after Fran went off with her friend Bonnie. Later in the afternoon Dave Waters and Susan dropped by to see Fran but stayed and visited with me while Fran was out. We visited until I had to leave to attend Affirmation’s business meeting. I had to let the activities committee know about arrangements I made for the Gold and Green Ball. At our regular Affirmation meeting, it was smaller than usual with only about 30 people attending. Perhaps attendance was down because of the Super Bowl. Anyway we discussed how to handle a break up of a relationship, a subject on which I am intimately aware of at the moment. I sat with Mike Anderson and tried not to gaze at Billy too much. When I made my announcement about having a Gold and Green Ball dance, I said, “Boys and Girls, bring out your rhinestones and dust off your tiaras for we are having a ball.” It was kind of funny but I suppose you had to have been there. After the meeting Billy came up to me, because I was not quick enough getting out of there.  We went off and sat by ourselves in the deserted chapel where we talked or at least Billy did, while I listened. After he was through I said “What more is there to say Billy? What stone have I left unturned? Tell me what words will I have to say to make you love me?” We stayed until we were kicked out, so the building could be locked up. Then Billy asked me to go to Village Inn. I didn’t want to argue so I went but once there I didn’t see Billy. I saw a lot of others from Affirmation who wanted me to stay and visit but I couldn’t bear it being stood up again by Billy. I thought where the fuck is he?  So I left and walked on home. Once there, I had a call from Dave Reed and we talked briefly about Billy. Dave said he had left Billy some groceries last night also. That was kind of him. Anyways after getting off the phone with Dave, I was fuming and walked over to Billy’s apartment to confront him. He wasn’t there but had arrived shortly after I did and he was laughing. He said he had spaced out where he said to meet and went to Denny’s down on 3rd West instead of Village Inn. He thought it was funny. I was not amused. Anyway, Billy invited me in and I sat Billy down and started passionately kissing him. He resisted and I didn’t care. This would be the last time I would kiss him.  When I recovered my senses, we talked about life, and his trip home to New Hampshire which he said was a disaster. He cried over that and I held him even while he protested being held. I told him his rejection of me even holding him was the reason above all others why we had to split up. As much as he doesn’t want to be held by me, I needed to hold him. I told him that I was not going to go through life without physical affection and that I am sorry that as much as I want to him as a lover he only wants me as a best friend. I said to him that when I leave they both, the lover and friend will have to go. I left at 1:30 in the morning and went to bed mentally exhausted but without any tears.

26 January 1987 Monday

Fran left this morning while I was still asleep.  I was so very tired but the day at work went fast. I heard from Mike Anderson that he has moved into the same house with Lamont Draney. He’s excited about the move and I am happy for him.  I had intended to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union this evening but after standing on the corner waiting for the bus, it never came to take me to the University. It was probably just as well for I was still really tired. So instead I went back to my apartment and wrote poems for the rest of the evening. Russ Lane called to say that the Cable Network News wants to interview people from Affirmation for a spot on their news channel tomorrow. He asked if I’d agree to be interviewed. I said I would. Why not? Someone has to be the pioneer.

Additional Material

Sex Education Bill defeated in committee with bill’s opponent Representative Kelly Atkinson (D-West Jordan) stating that the examination of men’s and women’s roles in society and the definition of aberrant sexual behavior should be taught in the home.” (73)

27 January 1987 Tuesday

    Well I did it. I went with Russ Lane, Keith McBride, Val Smithson and his roommate Davydd Daniels  to the First Unitarian Church where at 6 this evening this reporter and his boss from the Cable Network News met us to be interviewed regarding Affirmation and our relation to the Church.  We went upstairs to a classroom because the main cultural hall was being used by the Quakers for an Anti-Nuke rally.  The interview lasted 3 hours and I think we all presented ourselves well. I think they wanted us to be more critical of the Church than we were. They kept asking if we felt liked we had been “raped”  by the Church for an example. But we basically all said that while the church is not at all that meaningful in our lives now, it was on the whole a positive experience despite the homophobic attitude of some Church leaders. I had a special rapport going on with the interviewer and he focused more on me than all the others. It was a neat experience and I am looking forward to seeing how they will edit what we said down for their news story. Russ said he was quite pleased how we all performed. Oh Russ. Ever the Bishop.

28 January 1987 Wednesday

My eye infection has finally totally cleared up now although I am still a little drug out energy wise. After work I walked to the Deseret Gym where I ran a half mile and worked out on the Universal Gym for about an hour. It felt really good to be doing something physical.  After working out, at 7:30 this evening, I walked down to the City Library where I met this kid named Dean in the music section. He was checking out tapes to listen to and we started visiting about our musical tastes and before I knew it we had been talking for about an hour until the library closed. He checked out his cassette tapes and the offered to give me a ride home. I told him I was Gay and he said he was straight but he was so neat to talk to that I invited him in for a drink and to give him my phone number. While we were visiting at my place, Mike Anderson dropped by and he was as smitten with Dean as I was. They soon began to talk about movies and Dean then asked Mike to go see David Lynch’s Blue Velvet at the Art Theater tomorrow.  Salt Lake City had shut down all its porno theaters downtown and the old Capri Theater is now the ART Theater. I am glad that the Blue Mouse now has some Competition. However I was slightly annoyed and disappointed that Mike took Dean’s attention away from me but C’est le Vie. If they hit it off fine and groovy. I couldn’t go tomorrow anyway because I had asked Dave Reed to come over for dinner.  It was kind of bizarre picking up Dean. He was so friendly and easy to talk to and is very good looking. However he was more Mike’s age than mine. I loaned Mike $25 as he said he was broke until his pay day.

29 January 1987 Thursday

Dave Reed came over this evening at 6:30 for dinner for us to get to know each other better. During my lunch hour, I baked a pecan pie and made some corn chowder soup and a fruit salad.  So on the menu tonight was spaghetti, corn bread, corn chowder, fruit salad and of course the pecan pie. I really tried to avoid talking about Billy Bikowski but that was rather awkward since it was through him that I met Dave.  Dave said he’s a bisexual, married still, with seven children and is a 3rd Grade Elementary school teacher. While he’s a very sweet man, I don’t want to get emotionally involved with him because he will never leave his family. I would never be more than a fling. He also told me some stressful news that he tested positive on the HVL test for AIDS anti-bodies. He said he had to tell his wife so she could get tested. He’s going in again, hoping that it was a false positive.  We did have sex, but strictly safe. It wasn’t all that satisfying either because I am discovering that I want to be in love with my sexual partner. Even the bad times with Billy, because I loved him, was better than sex without love. For me at least.  After Dave left to go home, Mike Anderson called and said his date with Dean went just okay but he said he was a little spaced out and wanted me to come over to his place to keep him company. Lamont Draney and he live over on 3rd West and about 5th North, so I took the bus.  I think Mike was on some type of drug so I stayed with him until he fell asleep, then I took a bus back home. I didn’t get to bed until after midnight. It’s surprising how well I am taking Billy being gone out of my life. Perhaps the relief is wonderful. I want affection without affliction.

30 January 1987 Friday

It was payday at work and I only cleared $470 because of the new tax law. That’s nearly $70 less than I used to get paid. Then Fran called me and said that the IRS is claiming we owe them $2000 more from 1981. I was in shock. I am so glad she went to work for the IRS so she could be audited and we end up owing them almost $3000 in penalties. Well she is going to have to help pay it. It was her fault in the first place that we are in this mess in the first place.  I polished up an article that Russ Lane wanted me to edit so he could present it at the Affirmation Conference in Phoenix next weekend. It was on steps how to achieve self-acceptance. So Fran came up to spend the weekend with me and for us to figure out this mess she got us into. I was too depressed to do much else this weekend but watch movies on the VCR. The weather had been wonderful after the storm we had on Monday.

31 January 1987 Saturday

I spent the day cleaning the apartment, going to the Deseret Gym and afterwards grocery shopping since Fran brought the car up.  At the gym I ran a half mile and worked out for about a half an hour on the Universal Gym while I was there.  I also saw Bob Martinez who is a dancer in the Ririe Woodbury Company. He said he just got back from visiting Samoa. He’s partners with Doug Beautiful Blue Eyes Webb from Affirmation. I walked home from the gym so I was pretty tired for the rest of the afternoon. However in the evening I went with Mike Anderson to Backstreet and that was fun. So this is the end of January. Goodbye January and Goodbye Billy.

FEBRUARY 1987

1 February 1987 Sunday

            I fixed a roast beef Sunday dinner and invited Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis, David Waters, Susan, Richard Keller, Jon Butler, and Fran. I made a Roast beef with mushroom gravy, yellow squash, peas and carrots, mashed potatoes, and dinner rolls. For dessert I made a chocolate cake with walnut fudge frosting. So I spent most of the morning preparing the dinner. For Affirmation’s pot Luck tonight I also made something easy, baked chicken casserole. I had a pleasant Sunday afternoon with everyone and we afterwards all walked down to Liberty Park to go through the Aviary as it was such a nice day to be outside.             Then at 7 this evening, I went to Affirmation. Steve Oldroyd called needing a ride so as I had the car I swung by his place on 1st Avenue to take him to Affirmation. There I did something stupid today. I put my hand back in the flame. At Affirmation’s pot luck, while standing in line with Russ Lane to eat, he told to me that Billy Bikowski had called him earlier and had asked if I was going to be at the meeting tonight. Russ said to Billy he thought I was. Then Billy said to Russ that he didn’t think he ought to go to Affirmation for a couple of weeks because of me. I don’t exactly know why but after hearing this, I flew out of the Unitarian Church and raced over to Billy’s apartment on 9th East. I wanted to let him know that it was fine to come to Affirmation if he wants to attend. Standing outside the building from the sidewalk I could see that his lights were off in his apartment, and I wondered if he was even home. However I saw his mountain bike out front. So I climbed to his third floor apartment and rang his door bell. Bill was home after all, just with all his lights off. As he answered the door, he looked frazzled and I assumed that he had been sleeping. Anyway I asked Bill to come to Affirmation and to not stay away because of me. He said he was just having a quiet weekend and thought he’d just stay home. So I reiterated that I didn’t want him staying away just to avoid me. Then he said that he had Fran’s sweater that he had borrowed a while ago, so I came inside while he went to retrieve it. He had changed his front room around again and it looked so empty so when I stepped inside I asked jokingly, “Who robbed you”. Just to be cute. But as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, then I saw a figure sitting in the dark on the floor. It was Jim Rinaldi. My heart went to ice. I exclaimed, “Oh! I’m sorry”. I felt like I had intruded and witnessed something private between the two of them and I was embarrassed. Recovering my wits, I took Fran’s sweater back from Billy, quickly excused myself, and tried to recover my composure from the shock of seeing Jim there. It stunned me that Billy had been sitting in the dark with Jim.             So I spaced out that image and drove right back to Affirmation, however all my joy was gone. I just wanted to explode. But I suppressed my feelings and acted the social butterfly. After the meeting had let out, I went with the others to Denny’s for coffee but I kept spacing out. So I left and went back to the apartment. There I still couldn’t cry. How could I with Fran still here. How could I cry over Billy’s rejection of me with Fran there, when I had rejected her and made her cry? What goes around comes around. I am so dazed as I write this. I thought I was doing so well getting over Billy. I had picked up a copy of the Triangle at Affirmation and saw my valentine to Billy in there. It made me cry. “Tho’ we’ve cut the cord, there’s knots left to be untied.”

Additional Material

Sen. Stephen Rees, R-Salt Lake sponsored a bill making it illegal for people with AIDS to marry. He argued the state had a compelling right to protect public health however he was backed mostly by several insurance lobbies, which did not  want to pay benefits to surviving family members. Utah was the only state that invalidated a marriage if a partner contracts AIDS. (07/15/93  Page: A1 SLTribune)

“ We won!” stated Nikki Boyer manager of the Sun Tavern after mayor Palmer DePaulis refused to revoke the business license of owner Joe Redburn after police raids last year found some employees selling drugs.

John Cooper, President of the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation resigned to move to California.. The two groups, Salt Lake and Wasatch Affirmations had coexisted because the two associations served different purposes. “My group has tried to be a coming out group for those trying to find out who they were and less concerned with parties and social outings”, stated Cooper. Beau Chaine’s Gay Help line for years had only referred Gay Mormons to Cooper’s group rather than to the more religious Wasatch Affirmation.

 2 February 1987 Monday Ground Hog’s Day

            I woke up at 3:30 this morning after a stressful, fitful sleep. Billy Bikowski was on my mind all night. I finally just got up and went into the front room where I laid on the couch and sobbed for the rest of the night as not to disturb Fran asleep in the twin bed.             When Fran did get up herself, at 6, to get ready to drive back down to Provo, I was already awake as I had never managed to go back to sleep before getting up myself to get ready for work.             I was weepy for most of the day and wore my prescription sunglasses blaming, for wearing them at work, that my eyes were still sore from the conjunctivitis. When I came home during my morning break, I cried my eyes out again. The pain of Billy’s rejection hurts so much.             Back at work, I went and asked Jon Butler if I could visit with him at his place during lunch. I really just needed a shoulder to cry on.  He said sure and then at lunch I just held him and cried. I miss Billy so much that I think I’ll die of a broken heart. Jon said that he went over to see Lon Wright, his old boyfriend, last night because he missed him now that he and Richard Keller may be breaking up. He went over there not to be with Lon but just to see how he was. I understand so well. The loving and caring never really ends.             Back at Utah Title, Canyon Anderson, the only Title Officer I really like, it was interesting as he wanted to talk to me about homosexuality and the LDS Church’s position on it. I said I can support Ezra Taft Benson as the chief administrator of the LDS Church and as its “Prophet, Seer, and Revelator”  but not for me individually.   I said I never will let a man ever again come between me and my relationship with Jesus Christ. He is my only intermediator with the Father and I’ll have my own revelations for me myself. Thank you very much.             Anyway after coming home from work, I brought some fruit salad, that I had made, up to Russ Lane as well as a left over piece of chocolate cake. He was so happy to have it that he held me and then I started crying again over Billy. I miss him very much. I was so happy being with him. Why wasn’t he happy with me?             I pulled myself together and went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union up at the University. It had been a while so it was good to see that crowd of folks again.  We discussed the topic of Gay Capitalism.             Dave Waters and Susan were there and Dave said they have found a place to move to, over on North Main, not too far from where Mike Anderson is living with Lamont Draney.             At LGSU, Jim Hunsaker and Graham Bell gave me a ride home and when I got out of the car, I gave Graham a kiss goodbye and who should be looking out of his window? Mr. Brown, the apartment manager! Oh Shit!             Oh well, it was not a long and passionate kiss but just a peck. But I am still embarrassed. Why should I be? I guess I am still buying into homophobia, I suppose.  I just hope I don’t get kicked out of the apartment if the Bradshaw owners learn that I am Gay. Today would have been my Cousin Gregory Williams’ 25th birthday, the little shit. Why did he have to go and get himself murdered?

Additional Material

The Connection restaurant located next to the In-between on 200 South closed its doors due to lack of business. The space became “Between Friends Café”.  Between Friends was run by Danna Rollins and Mary Johns, former managers of the long since defunct bar “Reflections”.

 3 February 1987 Tuesday

            It was a rainy day, to match my mood. At Utah Title, I called Craig Hunter while on a break so we could visit. He said he’s very disappointed in the direction that the Restoration Church is going because of Tony Feliz’s actions. Craig said he also feel like Tony is trying to seduce him so Craig has no interest in returning to the fold. He also said that Bob McIntier said that if I tried to start up a Church of Christ meeting it would be a flop. Who knows until I try.  We will have to see how the Lord’s spirit directs.            Anyway after talking to Craig, work was about over. So when I left, I went up to the Deseret Gym and ran a half mile, walked a half mile, and worked out on the universal gym for a bit. I sat in the sauna for a while enjoying the dry heat and looking at the naked returned missionaries. I stayed at the gym until 9 at night then walked home in the rain. Without Billy Bikowski my days seem shorter and less full. But “Everyday, in every way, I’m getting better and better.” I may even go see Rocky Horror Picture Show this Friday at the Blue Mouse’s midnight showing. Mike Anderson said we need to have a movie marathon of all the films made in 1939 the greatest year for movie making to cheer me up. These are some of the films made that year: Wizard of Oz, Gone with the Wind, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Stage Coach, Dark Victory, Gunga Din, Goodbye Mr. Chips, Destry Rides Again, Wuthering Heights, and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

 4 February 1987 Wednesday

Today is my first anniversary of my accepting that I wanted to come out of the closet. How my world has gone topsy-turvy because of it. It was a quiet day at work. The weather’s been nice, not too nippy out. In the news I heard that Liberace died today. Some say of AIDS but his manager denies it. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. Another great entertainer has left us to play among the stars.            During my lunch hour, I took a bus downtown to shop at Woolworths on Main Street as they are having a going out of business sale. The whole block between 200 South and Broadway and between Main Street and State Street is going to be redeveloped so all the businesses that can, like Kress and Warshaw, are getting out of downtown. The Broadway Theater has already closed and Gung Ho Chinese café I hear is closing as well as Broadway Shoe Repairs.             I didn’t go anywhere in the evening but just stayed home and sketched on my drawing board. I also did a crayon drawing with a black water color wash.  Dave Reed, Billy Bikowski’s married friend, called around 8 and made a dinner date with me for the 17th.  Erick Murdock also surprised me with a telephone call and we made a date to go out this Friday to the Blue Mouse to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. He had never seen it before and is a virgin.             Mike Anderson dropped by about 11 tonight when I was already in bed. We stayed up until 12:30 in the morning just visiting about our lives in general. He’s annoyed living with Lamont Draney, it sounds like.             I feel like there’s a void in my life. I need some excitement.

 5 February 1987 Thursday

It’s been two weeks since I broke up with Billy Bikowski. It seems like just a few days ago. Time will heal all wounded hearts. What is the saying, “Times heals all wounds and wounds all heels”?  I miss my golden boy but not at the expense of my own dignity and self worth.             I read something that I thought was funny.  “Love is like a well. It’s fine to take a drink from it but never to fall into.” I was melancholy this evening so I listened to Carly Simon’s Torch Song Album for the last time and then I put the cassette tape away. I’ve played it almost daily for the last two weeks, over and over again. It’s time to let it go.             Yesterday I called Russ Lane and said I’d like to be the entertainment committee chairman at Affirmation. However I really hate putting myself back under him.             I wrote a quick little alliteration poem about Billy. “Bye, bye, Billy, Bi. My beautiful Bikowski boy. How can we ever hope to be, to make it work so neither of we are hurt.  I just don’t see how,  Billy Bikow, So ski ski away to live and love another day. Bye, bye, Billy Bi, Bye Bye.”  I was so melancholy and had wanted to just stay home but I was so edgy that I went for a walk.  I strolled to the library and read a book on Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire until the library closed. Then I walked down town and felt so lonesome that I started weeping coming back to the apartment. So I was feeling very blue, when Mark Crux dropped by tonight. He came over at 11 just as I was about to go to bed. He said that he had been out walking and felt like he should drop in.           I was tired but glad he did as it was good not to be alone even though I was really tired.

 6 February 1987 Friday

I went over to Mike Anderson’s place this evening for what turned out to be Lamont Draney’s fake birthday party. Lamont had told Mike that he was turning 30 today when he actually won’t turn 30 until August 6th. The little shit.  I had even gone to Cahoots on 9th and 9th after work and bought him a coffee mug that said, “3 Cheers for 30 years” and a birthday card and it’s not even his birthday. Mike, however, had fixed a Mexican dinner and that was yummy. We kept calling Lamont “Bad Sister”                     Anyway Mike and I went to see the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Blue Mouse. Ken Francis and Erick Murdock also came with us. Fred Fife from Channel 4 News was there doing a story on Ricky Horror fans.  We will probably be on the news next Friday.             I had a blast at the Blue Mouse and we all went out for tea afterwards at Denny’s. I didn’t get home until 3 in the morning. Fran was here asleep when I came in. It was a fun day.

 7 February 1987 Saturday

            This morning Fran and I watched some old movies while I tried to get moving. Then in the afternoon, I wanted to go to the Deseret Gym but first I walked over to see Craig Hunter at his place on 300 East and 1st South.  I wanted to talk to Craig about helping out with the Gold and Green Ball.  While I was there Craig was horny  and has always been after me so I sort of gave in to him.  He kept saying how cute I was and how soft my beard is. Craig is a darling boy and I do love him but I’m not in love with him. I made that clear to him but he wanted me anyway so I took Craig to bed and let him fuck me. I think I was mainly flattered because Russ Lane, Jon Butler, Tony Feliz  have all tried to get into his pants but he had turned them down and he just wanted me.  It was a pleasant way to while away the afternoon. . It was really stupid of me not have practiced safe sex. I guess time will tell it was a fatal mistake.             After Craig was through with me, I got dressed and walked back home. Fran was out somewhere so I rode my bike up to the gym to do my work out. I ran some and worked out on the Universal Weights.             I was tired after that so I stayed home this evening and watched some videos on the VCR.  I watched “Some Like It Hot” and “Pee Wee Herman’s  Big Adventure.” Then Fran came to the apartment with Dave Waters, Susan, Greg Hardin, and Heidi  to watch television too. We watched “Mommy Dearest” together and I saw Fran and Heidi curled up in each other’s arms.  They looked happy. After the movie, they all went out to Backstreet but I was too tired so I just stayed home.

 8 February 1987 Sunday

            This morning I went with Mike Anderson over to his mom’s apartment to help move a bookcase to his new place. That didn’t take long and I was back by 2 in the afternoon to get dinner on. I had decided to have Sunday dinner here at my place again. However, Fran said that  Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis had invited Fran and me up to his apartment for Sunday dinner. Since I had already invited Erick Murdock over, we decided to combine everything. Sugar Tush made a delicious Lasagna and a green salad while I made a fruit salad and a coconut frosted white cake. Dave Waters brought a vegetable dish so we had plenty of food.             All in all we had Fran, Dave, Susan, Greg Hardin, Richard Keller, Jon Butler, Jeff Manookian, Ken Francis, Erick and myself crowded in to my apartment because Ken didn’t have the furniture to accommodate the ten  of us.  I had also invited Mike Anderson and his mother Clariss but they didn’t make it to dinner.             We ate at 5:30 in the late afternoon and at 6:45 we all left to go attend Affirmation.  Ken and Jeff left to go pick up Steve Oldroyd  and Erick and I gave Brad Townsend and this kid from Rexburg, Idaho a ride. This kid I guess was left stranded here and was staying with Brad.             Speaking of Idaho Darrell Hunt called today and said that his job prospects are falling through up there and he may be moving to Salt Lake. Dear Lord please provide Darrell with work in Idaho. Please!!             Anyway Affirmation was very crowded even with Russ Lane gone. He went down to Phoenix this weekend for the National Affirmation Conference.             I saw Billy Bikowski at the meeting and my heart ached. “Hearts do not break. They sting and Ache, for old love’s sake”.             David Chipman was the Fireside Speaker who spoke about his experiences with BYU’s security and his entrapment by them back in the late 70’s. He had a lot of people stirred up from what BYU had put him through. I sure hope he has his story straight as that he slandered Dallin Oaks and Oscar McConkie, really a lot of other General Authorities including the First Presidency with accusations of criminal misconduct.             I have no love for the general Authorities except as Children of God, but something about Chipman’s story just doesn’t ring true entirely but then he’s remembering events from nearly 10 years ago. He said he’s going to be on the 20/20 News program in March.             Anyway I could really tell that Billy was shook up hearing about the Church’s Security system at BYU and how abusive they are of basic civil rights of students because of their sense of self righteous fanaticism.             None of what Chipman said really surprised me though because of my own experiences. Christ said by their fruits ye shall know them.             Billy tried to talk to me after the program but Mike Pipkin jumped in between us and wouldn’t let us really talk. Billy was in a strange mood like he wanted to talk to me but then, he didn’t either.             Anyway I met this cute kid named Robert Craner who had gone to BYU also. I got his phone number and he said to call him.             After Affirmation let out, a lot of us went to Beau Chaine’s Ginger Bread House Café for coffee to support him. I went with Erick Murdock and I really enjoy being with him but I think more than he does being with me.             Fran announced that her birthday is this weekend and Walt Larabee did a ”Singing telegraph” routine for her. It was a lot of fun.             When Erick took me home, it was late but we sat out in his car and talked about where our relationship was going. Basically Erick said he had a problem with my age. He’s 23 and I am 35. I really like Erick and am disappointed but he can’t help his feelings anymore than I can, I suppose.

9 February 1987 Monday

Fran left this morning at 7 and I was up at 6 so I only had about 6 hours of sleep. The sweetheart however did up most of the dishes left over from yesterday’s Sunday dinner.             Work went okay and Troy Nichols took me down to the Post office where I ran into Robert Craner again and we visited for a bit.  I think he’s cute and I’d like to become friends with him .             Anyway after work Craig Hunter dropped by with a friend of his named Kent Lowe. We visited until 7:30 in the evening. It was too late to catch a bus up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union so I asked them if they would take me up and they did.             LGSU was crowded, nearly 50 people and I was late so I found an empty chair next to Brad Townsend and when I settled down, I realized that Billy Bikowski was sitting behind me. I freaked. I was so unhappy during the entire meeting knowing he was there. Mark Crux announced that David Chipman would be on 20/20 this Thursday. That is not what I understood from Affirmation.             The topic of the meeting was on Anti-Gay Violence.  Michael Aarons spoke about his Anti-Violence Project he’s started. While we were all sharing our views, I gave my opinion that passive resistance is to the key to positive change. It was good to see Brook Hallock and Nancy Perez.  They said they were moving again. I hope closer to me. With all those people in that classroom, my entire focus was on Billy. He was walking home so I said I wanted to walk with him down the hill. If I ever hope to get over him I have to know he’s well. One of the reasons I was feeling low was that I was in mourning for our dead relationship but I have to get over that. I can’t be torn up every time I see him.             We talked about what’s going on in our lives without actually talking about us. At different points of our conversations, it would have been easy to do for Billy, but I made a conscious effort not to. It’s not my job anymore. He told me he was hungry but I didn’t offer to feed him. Instead we went to McDonalds on 7th East and I didn’t offer to buy him his dinner. If he wants us just to be friends, I have to restrain myself and be just a friend. But still it was good just being with him just the same. He told me that Jim Rinaldi was a fair weather friend and that Bill isn’t pursuing him anymore. I really didn’t want to hear about Jim. Besides. If not Jim, there will always be someone else besides me. It will never be me.             When I finally came back home I noticed that Robert Craner had returned my phone call. That pleased me.

 10 February 1987 Tuesday

There’s nothing new to write about at Utah Title. I did call Robert Craner up and invited him over for dinner tomorrow. He accepted and I am thrilled because I think he’s so cute.             Anyway after work, Troy Nichols took me to the Deseret Gym where we worked out some. It felt pretty good. Then he dropped me off at Albertson’s on 2nd South where I bought ingredients to make Beef Stroganoff for dinner tomorrow.             I stayed home for the rest of the evening and watched “Moonlighting” and called Russ Lane to visit to see how his trip to Phoenix went. I also wanted to let him know about my Saturday fling with Craig Hunter just to make him jealous.             Then at 10 tonight, Ken Francis came down to my place with David Chipman and Garth Chamberlain. I don’t know what to think about David. Something is a bit off about him, something I can’t figure out. His being self-centered perhaps? With good reasons I suppose. I asked him whether he was going to be on 20/20 this Thursday or in March. Just as I thought, David said he won’t even be filmed for an interview until March and then who knows when it will air.             Yesterday Billy had asked me to find out when David was really going to be on 20/20 so at 10:30 I called him to tell him that it wouldn’t be this Thursday. He sounded groggy on the phone but said I hadn’t woken him. It’s good to hear his voice and I’d be fooling myself to say I don’t care, but it’s slowly getting better.             I am excited about my dinner date with Robert tomorrow.

 11 February 1987 Wednesday

It was a pretty day out. I rode my bike during my lunch hour down to the Utah State Credit Union and closed my checking account there. I pulled out $37 which is all I had in there anyway. I then peddled over to the State Liquor Store on 4th South and bought a bottle of Sutter Home Pink Zinfandel wine for $5. I want everything to be just right for dinner tonight.             Robert Craner or “Van” as he said he likes to be called was right on time. We visited a little before dinner for which I fixed a green salad, beef stroganoff, French bread. I also made strawberry shortcakes for dessert but we never got around to that.             Van is a manager or assistant manager of the Cobbler Restaurant on North temple and 9th West. He’s 28 years old, blond, blue eyed, thin, and I think he is really cute. He said he was a dancer at BYU but left before BYU went on another witch hunt.             Anyway we started making out on the camel back couch. His lips were sensual like Billy’s, but unlike him, Van really knew how to kiss. After getting hot and bothered, we retired to the bedroom and continued our love making. It was a very sweet encounter and I had a really nice time. I hope “Van” did too.

12 February 1987 Thursday

Today is Fran’s 42nd birthday. I called her early this morning and wished her a happy birthday. I sang to her the Beatles’, “You say it’s your birthday” song.             Anyway, work went okay. It rained for most of the day.  I had Troy Nichols over for lunch at one and we finished off last night’s dinner and dessert.             After work I went downtown to the Salt Lake Tribune Building to be interviewed by Malinda Sourly. She’s a reporter and religion specialist for the Tribune and is doing a series of articles on homosexuals and Mormonism. I think it was a good interview. I was being very positive. It will be interesting to see what gets edited out and what she thought was worthwhile to keep in.             Walking home, I stopped at Albertson’s and bought some items to make cupcakes to give out at work for Valentine’s Day. I made them tonight and while baking them, Brook Hallock and Curtis Jensen who I know from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, dropped by for a visit. They said they just came from a meeting of Gay organizations that is trying to coordinate events and run Pride Day this year.  They said I should come next month. It was good to see them and Brook brought me a Valentine’s gift for me. She’s a sweet heart. We watched 20/20 which did a program on AIDS. I stayed up until 12:30 in the morning visiting with Brook and Curtis. Brook said that Nancy and she are moving from 900 West near Jordan Park primarily because she had been mugged a couple of weekends  ago and robbed. 

Additional Material

The Salt Lake Community Council debated the appropriateness of supporting political causes and passed a motion to support Gay Pride Day Activities.  Meeting held at the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church. A dozen people attended. The council voted unanimously to take responsibility for the 1987 Gay Pride Day.  The organization still had no regular officers or secretary. Present were representatives from Lesbian and Gay Student Union, AIDS Project Utah, the Royal Court, The Gay Rodeo Association, Triangle Magazine, Concerning Gays and Lesbians, and the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church .  Jon Sasserman of the Triangle Magazine is the pro tem chair.

 13 February 1987 Friday

It’s Friday the 13th and a Full Moon! I brought the cupcakes I made and put them in the break room at Utah Title. I called Mike Anderson while I was at work and he said that he was robbed last night when some people broke into his place while he was at rehearsals. They stole his VCR, his color television and stereo plus about $125 he had in the house. Poor Mike but at least his dog, Mr. Pibbs, wasn’t hurt.  Geez! What has happened to the Western Civilization concept of “Thou Shall Not Steal?” The love of the things of this world along with pride, envy, lust, and greed will always cause misery.             I was paid today and cleared $539. Almost $70 more than last time because of the changes I made on my W-2 form.             When I came home from work, Fran was already here, a sleep on the couch. It’s been raining off and on all day. I called Billy Bikowski just to see how he was doing. He was acting strange like mad at me so I just kept the conversation light and short. He did say he is thinking of moving to Park City. May be that would be a good thing for me.             In the evening, Fran went out with her friend Bonnie, and I went out with Craig Hunter and Russ Lane to Backstreet. This was the first time Russ and I have ever really gone out anywhere together. I think he only agreed to go so as he could be with Craig more than with me but still we had fun being out at the bar and dancing up a storm.

 14 February 1987 Saturday

It’s Valentine’s Day but I didn’t do a lot; tired from staying out late last night. Fran went running around with Dave Waters so I took advantage of using the car to do some shopping. I bought some house plants , a fig tree plant and a fern and some groceries for the weekend.             I bought a pork roast with which to make Chili Verde for Wednesday  dinner.  I had invited Troy Nichols and his Gay friend Carter Shaw over.             In the evening I just stayed home and watched movies. I also typed up some of my journals. It was not a real eventful day as it was overcast and gloomy. I did go to the Deseret Gym and worked out. I saw Craig Hunter there.

Additional Material

Mormon Apostle Dallin H. Oakes stated that “ he did not know whether individual priesthood leaders had given such advice, “ when asked if the church had counseled homosexuals to marry as a cure for homosexuality in an article  entitled “LDS Policy on Homosexuality Reaffirmed “during a CBS TV Interview .”

15  February 1987 Sunday

It was kind of a weird day. The weather was winter gloomy and I didn’t want to do much but sleep and nap but I had to go over to Dave Water’s place for dinner. I really didn’t want to but Fran insisted since Dave spent so much time and effort cooking dinner. Anyway Greg Hardin, Susie, Dave, Fran and I  ate dinner at 4 in the afternoon. Dave made scaloppini. It was good but I was not all that hungry.  Greg Hardin and Dave Waters want to form a 1960 girl’s group to perform in drag. Fran was helping them chose the right dresses for the time people of the early 1960s.             After dinner I went to Affirmation where there was another pretty big turnout in the social hall. The others didn’t want to attend except for Greg who gave me a ride. Robert “Van” Craner was there but I received the same reaction from him that I did from Erick Murdock, last January, so I was a little disappointed but nothing majorly. Que Sera, Sera.I was more disappointed that Bill Bikowski was not at Affirmation. Ken Rasmussen who lives in Buffalo, New York, was back in town and this is the weird part. He wants me to consider moving back to New York and marry him! I think he would like me more as a collaborator than a wife; but I am intrigued.  Ken is a professor at the University of New York in Buffalo and he is writing a book on the LDS Church’s treatment of Gays.             Anyway tonight’s meeting was a rap group and our group basically talked about Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. The group I started has kind of fizzled out since I don’t facilitate it anymore.             After the meeting we went to Village Inn where I sat and talked mostly with Chip Prince and Neil Hoyt from BYU. I swear BYU has its own alternative reality. It’s like living in Disneyland’s “fantasyland. It’s an artificial environment.             So Ken Rasmussen took me home back to the Juel Apartment and he stayed until 1:30 in the morning. I read to him some of my poems and out of my journals. Basically we visited about what had been happening in my life since I last saw him.             Ken is very handsome, has a beard and I’m extremely attracted to his academic flair but I hardly know him well enough to run off with him. Then there’s the age thing. He’s 50 and I’m 35. I know my feelings. However that didn’t keep me from blowing him; but moving to Buffalo is a whole other matter. I would follow Billy to the ends of the earth if he would only ask me to go. Any way it was an interesting day.

Additional Material

Kenneth W. Rasmussen, an associate professor of modern languages at the University at Buffalo, died Friday (July 18, 1997) in the Watertown home of his daughter after battling cancer since May. Rasmussen, 60, was involved in cultural exchange and interpretation all his life. He was fluent in several languages and produced numerous publications, presentations and exhibitions related to the Brazilian and Portuguese cultures. Born in Murray, Utah, Rasmussen was raised in Draper, Utah. He got his first experience in cultural exchange as a Jordan High School student in Sandy, Utah. He went to Mexico as an exchange student in the 1950s and returned there as a university-level exchange student and later studied in Brazil and Portugal.

16 February 1987 Monday

Because it is the Presidents Day Holiday I have the day off because the office is closed. I was depressed by the gloomy weather, by the taxes I owe to the IRS, and Fran’s surly attitude. She came home from Dave Waters where she got upset with Heidi. She’s being real bitchy about some of the things I have written in my journals but I wasn’t in the mood to put up with it. She shouldn’t be reading them anyway. I really just wasn’t being very sensitive to her feelings. I know she’s going through a hard time with no one in her life right now.             At one point after quarreling we cried. We had a very distressful  and disturbing day.  To get out of the depression we were in, we went up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union where the topic of the meeting was on Gay Etiquette. I enjoyed the evening but was missing Billy Bikowski who wasn’t there.             At 10:30 tonight I called him and while visiting I suggested that I take him to Trolley Square to retrieve his bike that he had left there. He said okay and it was good being out with Billy. We even went to Bill and Nada’s Café for a bite to eat. We visited until 1:30 in the morning.             Billy said he’s working now in Park City at a Snow Mobile place and while he said he was tired, he is doing well because he’s active. That pleased me to hear. I invited him over for dinner this Wednesday for some Chili Verde that I am making for Troy Nichols and his friend Carter Shaw.  Even though I’ve lost Bill as a lover I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I have such mixed up emotions about that kid.

 17 February 1987 Tuesday

I went back to work after a long weekend and I am so exhausted from staying out so late. It was nearly 2 in the morning before I went to bed and I was awake at 6 due to Fran having to get up to drive back to Provo. I was exhausted for most of the day.  Today is the first anniversary of going to a Gay meeting and telling others I was a gay man. It just so happened also that Dave Reed took me out to dinner even though he didn’t know that this day is special to me. We went to LeRoy’s Ribs on Main Street between 2nd and  3rd South and the food at the place was delicious. I had barbecued pork chops.            The evening as marred, however, when Dave inadvertently told me something about Billy Bikowski and Beau Chaine that I didn’t know before. It was so disturbing to me. Although really, on a gut level, I don’t believe what Beau told Dave  at all. He said that he had fucked Billy  and  that was really so disturbing to me and if true, it totally destroys the perception on which I have based my relationship to Billy. Beau told Dave that Billy was Greek Passive with him. However I absolutely do not believe that about Billy. He’s too repressed unless I have had a false perception of Billy all this time.             After coming home from dinner with Dave, Jon Butler’s friend Carolyn called to tell me about this Gay friend of hers named Lee. She works with this guy and she wanted to set him up with me. However  when Lee called my recorder it had freaked him out because I had left a message on the answering machine as a joke saying I was not able to come to the phone right now because I was “Astro Projecting” and having an out of body experience. Well later that night, after Carolyn called Lee back and said I wasn’t a kook, he called me and we finally did get to talk.

 18 February 1987 Wednesday

            I mainly prepared dinner for Carter Shaw today as that troy Nichols bowed out so that we could be alone but that left me with the problem of Billy Bikowski. I’m still very disturbed about what Dave Reed related to me last night about Billy and Beau Chaine. I’m not sure I can handle it, especially seeing Billy with Carter. Suppose Carter and Billy hit it off. That would really devastate me so I called Billy up and asked him to take a rain check for dinner.             I didn’t really think anything would happen between Carter and me but why ruin the chances by having Billy here. After all Billy just wants to be my friend so he will have to understand when I want to be alone on a date with someone. The pathetic thing is that I really just want to have dinner with Billy alone but there’s no going backwards.    Even if Billy and I got back together (dream on) It could not be the same as before, all take and no give on Billy’s part. It would have to be a new beginning.  Anyway back to Carter Shaw, who’s real name is Paul Carter Earnshaw, he was prompt and on time.  It was kind of weird having a stranger over for dinner, but I hope I made him feel comfortable. I served him some Zinfandel wine and we visited before dinner. Carter is a real doll about 31 years old but more than that I was impressed with his intellect. It had a really stimulating evening  discussing our personal philosophies on Gay issues.            The thing that really tickled me was that when I described myself as a “Social Libertarian” and he said that is exactly how he feels politically. That was neat because I never ran into anyone quite like that before.            Anyway I prepared Chili Verde burritos, Spanish Rice, Frijoles, and nachos for dinner, topped off with a German Chocolate cake for dessert which he said was his favorite. So that pleased me. I don’t think we will be the love of each other’s lives but I would like to be in his circle of friends because he is a hell of a nice guy.             Carter stayed for about two and half hours before leaving. I then ran upstairs to see Jon Butler.  He and Willy Marshall were across the hall in Ken Francis’ place watching “Amerika” the Mini-series about America being taken over by the Soviet Union. I brought some of left over cake up for all of them. I was really tipsy from the 3 glasses of wine I drank while with Carter so I didn’t stay.             When I went back down to my apartment, Carolyn called me again and said that Lee liked talking to me but was disappointed that I hadn’t asked him over for dinner this Thursday. I told Carolyn I just thought it would be better if we meet at Affirmation first.

Additional Material

Paul Carter Earnshaw is the author of I Factor: Integrity Matters; How Integrity Shapes Your Credibility in Relationships.

 19 February 1987 Thursday

            I had Brett Spriggs and Troy Nichols over for lunch today  and fixed them some Chili Verde burritos. They loved them. They crack me up.             In the evening, Mike Anderson asked me to go with him to see AS IS, the acclaimed Broadway drama at Salt Lake’s Theater 138. Lamont Draney is in it and it is opening night.  The play is about AIDS and it’s affect on the Gay consciousness. The theater was packed and I saw booth Lyle Bradley and Steve Oldroyd in the theater tonight. AS IS  was pretty powerful and Lamont was excellent but Dennis Williams who played the lead wasn’t all that good. Michael Picardi was much better I thought. Mike Anderson said that Dennis was only picked for the part because he’s sleeping with the director Diane McGlone. Anyway seeing the play was a neat experience. I’d like to be part of the Mike and Lamont’s Theater Crowd because their energy is so contagious. After the play was over Mike went with Lamont to celebrate opening night at a cast party. I was asked to go but I just wanted to go home because I was kind of tired.             Then about 10 tonight, Billy Bikowski called me. We talked briefly about what I had alluded to yesterday but we never got around to really getting into it. He said he had to go to Trolley Square to retrieve his bike again so I said I would meet him down there which I did. It was a pitch black night but the stars were bright; the ones that peaked through the dark clouds. I notice while walking to Trolley square that these huge silver poplar trees looked almost florescent against the black sky. After meeting Billy on 6th East and 5th South I invited him back to my place because he hadn’t eaten all day. I fed him some chili verde burritos for his supper. I still had some German Chocolate cake left over so I fed him some of that also. Billy wanted to talk about what I heard from Dave Reed about him and Beau Chaine. He was so upset about it that I finally said, “Billy I was wrong to even mention anything to you because it’s really not any of my business who you sleep with.” I continued saying that I didn’t want my feeling for him to change. I don’t even want to think of Billy as anything but the ‘golden boy’ of my fantasy. Later as Billy was eating, I did ask him out of curiosity how did he meet Beau Chaine and did he love him? Just as I thought and believed, Billy replied that he was just coming out living in Ogden and was very confused. He called the Gay Help line because he wanted to move to Salt Lake but didn’t have a place to live and really didn’t know anyone down here. Beau took him in and gave him a place to stay, however Beau being more sexually assertive, he tried things with Billy that Billy said he didn’t want to do. Billy said he tried being Greek Passive to please Beau but just couldn’t do it. It hurt too much as Beau’s cock is as big around as a beer can. I wasn’t even asking Billy these personal details but it was like he needed to let me know that he really wasn’t very sexually active with Beau and when he refused to let Beau fuck him, that is why Beau made him leave. If anything, Billy considers his experience living with Beau as rather a negative one. We also talked about his initial attraction to Graham Bell, Jim Hunsaker, Scott Wallendorf, Mike Burton, Jim Rinaldi, and me. We stayed up until 1 in the morning and as we talked, I held him in my arms and gave him a neck massage. I told Billy that I want to be a good sport in whatever our relationship is. Just because I lost him as a lover, I said I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. So I asked him to spend the night and we slept in the separate twin beds. That was okay with me. I am ready to be celibate anyway after seeing AS IS. Well not really but I will take Billy in my life anyway he allows me to have him as I truly do love him.   It’s been 4 weeks from the day that Billy and I broke up and he spent the night with me tonight. So Bizarre. It feels like a full circle.

 20 February 1987 Friday

At work, the bosses sent out a computer listing of all the phone calls we made on our own extension and I had a lot of long calls. Well I sit at a terminal all day and my calling does not interfere with my work but I really understand where they are coming from. Fortunately for me, everyone uses my phone so I didn’t have to accept the whole blame for all the calls. I’m not in trouble but still I don’t want anything to affect my sterling reputation at Utah Title.             After work, I rode my bike over to Craig Hunter’s place as he had invited me over for dinner. He said it was his 7th anniversary of having come to Utah as an 18 year old runaway from Oregon. He was being so sweet and cute to me.  He really doesn’t know how to cook, so he served Chicken McNuggets and some Won Ton Egg Roll snacks. He also wanted to get frisky with me but I wasn’t in the mood for a romp. So I just held him while we watched a movie. It was kind of interesting but I never learned the name of the film. It was something about World War II and the breakdown of social restraints afterwards.             I only stayed until 9:30 because I was kind of tired from staying up so late last night and I think also still moody about Billy Bikowski’s revelations. I felt kind of a sad gladness. I am glad to have him back in my life but sad to see my expectations of a love affair dashed.             Back at my apartment, I had a call from Ken ‘Sugar Tush’ Francis. He wanted me to go with him to Backstreet so I thought better that than sitting home moping about Billy.     Backstreet wasn’t too crowded for a Friday night and I saw Curtis Jensen and Barbara Dickey there again. Curtis said something about joining Greg Hardin and Dave Waters forming a Girl’s Group called The Love Birds.             I also saw Derek Kaufman at Backstreet and he had some exciting news about his ex-wife. He said she may be coming out of the closet herself.             Well Sugar Tush and I stayed at Backstreet until 12:30 in the morning then we came back home to our Juel Apartments. Inside my place I heard that Billy had left the cutest phone message on my recorder.

 21 February 1987 Saturday

            I was up at 8 this morning after hearing the phone ring. Mom called to visit because she hadn’t heard from me in a while. There’s nothing new in Garden Grove except that she and dad bought themselves a phone message machine. She was excited about that and it’s a new toy for dad. Mom said she is trying to get on at a new electronic place and she may get my sister Donna Jones and my nephew James Clark on there too. That would be neat for all of them.             After getting off the phone with mom, I tried cleaning up the place some. I did some wash and saw that Russ Lane had left his down in the laundry room so brought his laundry up to him. We visited for a little bit. He said he may be getting a job closer to home. I am not even sure what he even does now. I was up at Russ’ place until 11 this morning, and then I went down a flight of stairs to drop in on Richard Keller and Jon Butler before going off to the Deseret Gym. They seem to be doing okay and have made up. I am glad. I think most of their issues are over Jon being so cheap and stingy.             It was such a warm and pretty day that I decided to go up to the University instead of to the Deseret Gym. I went to the HYPER building to sit in the sauna in the Men’s Locker Room and to check out the young guys there. I didn’t really want any action but just wanted to look at the handsome young men showering some who really liked to put on a show. I stayed there until nearly 3:30 in the afternoon before coming home and typing up the rest of the month of April from last year.             At 7 this evening, I was surprised when Billy Bikowski dropped over. I was still a little pissed from an earlier conversation I had with him when I had asked to go with him downtown. He didn’t want to walk with me, but said for me to just show up at the ZCMI and Crossroads Malls and he’d meet me there. I said forget it.             Anyway I invited Billy in and we began talking about us again but I tried to remain somewhat aloof to keep my emotions in check. However I did fix him some dinner which I supposed is the actually reason he came to see me.             While he was here, I gave him The Color of Love Test to find out what kind of love style he has. He was Pragma. In other words he seeks out people to love who will meet his specific qualifications while I am an Eros Maniac who falls in love with men without any specific qualifications but just love at first sight.  I read to him the definition of Mania and he came over and kissed me on the cheek saying, “My poor Maniac lover.”      I think maybe for the first time he understands how I feel about him. We talked and visited until nearly 11 at night when I gave him a back massage and he fell asleep on the other twin bed about 11:30. I then went to bed myself.             I feel completed when Billy is here sleeping where I can listen to his deep breathing and know he is safe and secure. I know others will eventually come into my life who I will feel as strongly about as I do Billy right at this moment, however tonight I am grateful to my Heavenly Parents for having him here with me, lying close to me if not with me.

22 February 1987 Sunday

I woke up at 7:30 this morning and went over to Billy Bikowski’s bed and laid down beside him and snuggled up to him.  We didn’t talk much. I just held him in my arms until 9 when then I got up to fix Billy and me some breakfast of hot cakes. I also made him a ham omelet.             The rest of the morning we just laid around the front room until 11 when Billy left to go back to the Scarsdale Apartments. I then tried to clean up the place and I also made about 7 dozen chocolate chip cookies to fill up my cookie jar for friends who may drop in and to give a couple dozen some to Billy. So it was kind of a lazy Sunday but I did get a few things accomplished. I really didn’t want to go to Affirmation tonight but I did for Jeff Manookian’s sake as he was giving a piano recital for Wasatch Affirmation at Beesley Hall down on 11th East and 17th South.  Also because it was a business meeting, I wanted to give an accounting on how the Gold and Green Ball is progressing along.  Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis gave Russ Lane and me a ride to the Business Meeting. There Russ and I had a showdown over whether Affirmation should draft a policy regarding swearing or saying sexual innuendos at meetings. I said that Affirmation, and we in general, absolutely have no right to set up that sort of standard for those who want to attend. We aren’t an ecclesiastical body but a support/social group.  I said I wouldn’t stand for that kind of nonsense as that Affirmation was supposed to be for those who have a Mormon background and not just for practicing Mormons. We disagreed for about 15 minutes until Russ dropped the proposal when he realized he wasn’t getting any support and I was.  I said if you don’t want people to speak during meetings hold the Firesides in the Unitarian Chapel and you won’t have that problem. I hate censorship.             Anyway, then Sugar Tush took me over to Billy’s place to pick him up to take him to the Affirmation concert at Beesley Hall. When we were back I saw Mike Howard sitting with Tony Feliz. I just ran over to Mike and gave him the biggest hug. I was just thrilled to see Mikey again as I do love him.  Tony not so much.             When the concert began, Billy sat on my left and Craig Hunter sat on my right. Craig kept squeezing my arm and kissing my hand affectionately all through the concert. It was sweet to have someone be so affectionate to me especially in front of Billy. So there.             After the concert was over, some of us went to Village Inn on 4th South including Billy. It was fun being with the guys. I sat at a table across from Mike Howard and as I was telling him something about Billy and me, Billy then pinched my thigh really hard. I was surprised and yelped in pain and looked at Billy staring at me with a stern look. So I explained to those concerned at the table that I had a muscle spasm, that’s all. It was funny when Billy told me to behave or I’d have another muscle spasm.             Billy was measuring people’s index finger to see how big their dicks are when hard. My finger was 6 ½ inches and Billy’s was 7 inches.

23 February 1987 Monday

Craig Hunter came over when I came home from work. He bought 2 tickets to the Gold and Green Ball. Yesterday this lesbian at Affirmation bought 2 tickets so they are starting to sell. I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union this evening  with Brad Townsend and I wish I wouldn’t have gone. While it was good to see some of the gang again like Jake Smit, I don’t like the way Richard Hefner, the President, conducts the group. It’s like a free for all, letting just five or six people monopolize the conversation. Whenever I raised my hand to speak on the topic, Richard would call on anyone but me. I then kept my hand up to see how long it would take for him to call on me but he ignored me the entire time. It wasn’t as if there were so many people wanting to share and I was just not gotten to. I felt like I was deliberately passed over in favor of his select friends. I’ve always felt like Richard didn’t care for me for some reason.             Anyway, that coupled with seeing Billy Bikowski sitting with Richard Lamborn was really doing a head trip on me. I know it’s nothing more than simple jealousy on my part. I can’t stand Billy joking and ribbing with Richard when he should have been with me. And Richard has his lover Martin in Rochester, New York so why does he need Billy’s affection?             I came to LGSU with Brad Townsend but he had to leave early so I needed a ride back down off campus. Billy asked if I wanted to ride with Richard and him and while I said at first “sure”, Richard really acted pissed  because I think he wanted to just be alone with Billy. So I said, “Hey I can get a ride home from a number of people. I don’t want to put you out.”             As Billy could see I was perturbed so he insisted on taking me home. However upon leaving Orson Spencer Hall, I saw Nancy Perez Diatima and I asked her if she was going back home or off to work. She said home so I asked her for a ride. She said sure so I left with her. Billy acted surprised as that I didn’t let him know of my change of plans.  Well I didn’t want to be a third wheel to him and Richard so it worked out great. If Billy and I are just “friends” then it doesn’t really matter who takes me home. It snowed while I was at LGSU and everything on campus was sugar frosted. It was pretty but I am glad spring is less than a month away.

            When I walked in the door to my apartment the phone was ringing. It was Michael Anderson and we visited for awhile about his new crush a kid named  Bryce. He said that Bryce dropped in to see his place this morning but I think it was more an excuse just to see Mike.

After talking with Mike, Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis called to just talk. He was down in the dumps and I was a listening ear. I then watched a little television but I was mostly bummed by how I was treated at LGSU and how I’ve not let Billy go out of my heart completely. I’m not handling it very well with him just being a “friend.” Oh well. I went to bed by 11:30 tonight

24 February 1987 Tuesday

Today was one of the most bizarre days of my life with Billy Bikowski. It was a pretty gloomy day for most of the day with a big storm coming in from the south of us, although it wasn’t all that cold,             I walked up to the Deseret Gym after work and ran and worked out some on the weights. I didn’t get a chance to all last week.  So anyway, I was cruised by this Latino fellow who kept trying to pick me put I wasn’t really interested in having sex. I don’t want to just have casual sex anymore with strangers and besides I want to stay healthy for Billy’s sake.             I didn’t get home from the gym until almost 9 at night so I watched the last bit of “Moonlighting” which is one of my favorite shows. After that I watched the last part of “Places In the Heart” one of my favorite Sally Fields movies.             When it was over, someone was banging on my window and it was Billy. The doors to the apartment building were all locked for some reason, so I ran down the hall in my shorts up the landing to quickly unlock the back door to the building. I sometimes forget that this isn’t a dormitory even though there’s so many Gay friends living here. While I am thinking of it, Mike Pipkin called today and said he might be moving into the building too if there is a vacancy.             Anyway I live near the back door so I let Billy in and we watched the remainder of Places In the Heart. Then he asked if I wanted to walk with him down to Denny’s on 5th South and 3rd West for him to retrieve his bike he had left there the other day.  It’s a couple of miles from my apartment but I wanted to be with Billy so I agreed and got dressed.             Walking down 4th South was sort of fun because we stopped in on all these little shops that were still opened at 10:30, like the Salt Lake Roasting Company, Studebakers, St. Paddy’s where Billy charmed us away from a confrontation with some drunk. I told Billy not to mess around in this part of town this late at night because there’s a straight/druggy group that hangs around this part of downtown between State Street and Main Street.             Anyway by the time we reached West Temple it started to lightly snow and by the time we walked to 2nd West we were in a blizzard. Snow just completely coated us. I was so glad I wore my hat. However it was another fun adventure being with Billy.  It’s just a thrill being with him as you just don’t know what to expect next.             Well we made good time and we were at Denny’s by 11 even with all the stopping we did. However at Denny’s, Billy started making certain comments about guys at the restaurant who were attractive to him. Once again my bubble burst. I realized again that Billy doesn’t love me. I love him so much that I would go out on a winter night, trek across town in a blizzard just be by his side.             Fuck Dallin Oaks if he doesn’t believe that Gays are capable of the same emotional devotion to each other as non Gays have for each other.             Anyway I was really moody walking back home, with Billy slowly peddling his bike on the snowy sidewalks. I walked as far as State and 4th South trotting alongside him until I finally said, “Billy go on ahead. Ride your bike home. I am 10 years older than you and I can’t keep up and I really just rather be alone. I’ll just catch a bus the rest of the way.”             Instead Billy got off his bike and we walked back together to my apartment. I invited him in as it was just 11:30 at night and we watched the last of Johnny Carson. Then I said “I’m going to bed.”  I told Billy he could either sleep in the camel back couch on in the other twin bed but I was going to bed as I was tired. I also said that if he wanted to stay up and watch television he could sleep on the couch but if he wanted to talk to me he’d have to come to bed. I was not going to stay up all night humoring him.             At one point he said he was leaving to go home to his place at the Scarsdale and I heard him roll his bike out of the front room. I called out from the bedroom, “Don’t leave Billy”. I heard the front door open and shut. My heart went flat.             Then there was a knock on my door and I was exhilarated that he had changed his mind so I jumped out of bed to open the door. I was so surprised to see him still in the front room all along. I said, “you shit.”  He had just wanted to see my reaction to his leaving.             At that point, he went with me into the bedroom and he climbed into the other twin bed. I was happy listening to his soft breathing as he dropped off to sleep, after having eaten some of my chocolate chip cookies in bed.             My heart felt so full of love for him that I stayed awake just looking at his sleeping form. About 4 in the morning I woke up to hear him softly stirring and mumbling in his sleep. I got out of my bed and crawled into bed with him. Lying next to him I began stroking his blond hair and massaging his tense muscles.             At one point I tried to be intimate with Billy and he stirred. He asked, “What is it Ben?”  I said “I need you, Billy.” He said softy “Don’t” to my touching his hard cock. I said, “Billy, don’t say don’t. I love you so much.”             Then Billy protested saying that if I didn’t stop he would, “blast me”. I retorted, “Blast away” figuring how could he hurt me more but he did. He said I just wasn’t his type.             I then just explodes and said “Billy get the fuck out of my house. I don’t want you here.” I started swearing and stormed into the front room as Billy got dressed. I screamed at him, “I hope you find all the rejection you are looking for, you son of a bitch. You deserve the Beau Chaines and Jim Rinaldis for that is all you want.             As Billy went out the door, he said, “I never said I was perfect.” I yelled “And God Damn it you’re not. I never asked you to be perfect just to treat me like a decent human being.”             At that point I absolutely hated Billy, the son of a bitch.

 25 February 1987 Wednesday

I laid awake until 5:30 this morning when I hear Billy leave a message on my recorder saying, “Ben you are right about a lot of things. I just cannot handle it at 5 in the morning.” I then got out of bed and called him back but Billy must have taken his phone off the hook as it was just ringing busy.             So I got bundled up and walked over to the Scarsdale at 5:30 in the morning while it was still dark and cold out. I pounded on his door and he called from his bedroom to come in as his door was unlocked as if he was expecting me.             I said to him while he was lying down, I only have two things to say to you and I’ll leave. “First I absolutely had no right to say the things I did to you and I am sorry for losing my temper and swearing at you.”  Then the little shit meekly says, “Then it was your fault and not mine?” That contrite remark made me laugh. He is such a child. I lay down next to him and said “The second thing is that you have the right to not have your body touched and I was wrong to do so just because of my love for you. That doesn’t give me a right at all.”             Then Billy started rambling from lack of sleep, it being early morning, about grapefruit and toothpaste flavored breakfast cereal.  I just smiled at him and whispered, “I hope your lover will love to listen to you as much as I do.”             Billy wanted me to stay but I said neither one of us would sleep if I did so I said goodbye and left my love behind.             Walking home at 6, with the morning dawn starting to break, people began stirring. A woman jogger ran pass me in the snow and said a cheery hi. I realized then that night was truly over and time for a new beginning.             I made it home and went back to bed and slept very little before getting up at 8:30 to go across the street into work.             I haven’t really cried at all over all of this, except when I heard on the radio this sad song, “Any Day Now” by Ronnie Millsap.  “Any day now, love will let me down and you won’t be around.”             You know I don’t think I love Billy Bikowski anymore. I know I don’t want to so maybe the heart will follow the head. The play is over. He chipped away my love until there’s nothing left. God I hate being so mediocre.             I was a total zombie at work all day. I also didn’t eat or drink anything all day either. I wasn’t playing the martyr. I just had no energy to bother with it.             To my great surprise, Billy knocks on my door at 6:30 this evening. I couldn’t believe it. He was beaming about an apartment he had looked at and wants to move into out of the Scarsdale. I just don’t know what to think.             He rattled on about how large it was and how I could come over and sleep on the carpet that was so soft. I said, “Billy why would I want to do that? I have a perfectly good bed here. In fact I have two beds.”             Then he said, “Oh just in case you ever wanted to spend the night.” He is driving me mad. So I said to him, “Billy, I don’t think you understand about what happened last night. I don’t love you anymore.”  When I said those words Billy’s countenance fell and he looked down at the floor. I continued, saying, “isn’t that what you wanted? You chipped away at my heart until there’s no more room for the love of you.”             Billy sadly replied, “If that will make you stop hurting then I’m glad.” I said, “Billy I’m doing this as much for you as for me. My love has always been a burden and trial for you. Now you don’t have to worry about hurting me anymore.”             At that Billy picked up his winter gloves and said, “Goodbye.” And I said “goodbye” trying not to show any tears.             I tried watching some television but couldn’t concentrate on anything so I just went to bed as I was exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.             Upon doing so I noticed a long extension cord on my telephone in the front room. Billy must have put it on while he was here and I hadn’t noticed when I was in the other room. What a strange ending             When I first met Billy last summer he brought me a hook up for my new phone and now that it’s over between us, he brought me a phone cord extension. It was thoughtful and about time he started being thoughtful of me even if now it’s too late.

 26 February 1987 Thursday

My boss Bob Elcock was being a prick to me again at work. It’s just a matter of time until he tries to get rid of me so I decided to give myself some options by sending my resume and applications to Park City for a teaching position in the fall.             At home Mike Anderson asked me to go to the opening night of his play “McBett” which was a spoof. I thoroughly enjoyed it as it was a scathing attack on war, greed and man’s absurd lust for power.  I met, while there, Jay W. Lee for whom the theater was named after.  He said I should go the stage. Hardly ha! There’s enough drama in my life.             Kevin, this married guy I have been talking to and who called Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians, called again. I told him that the group hasn’t met in months and is probably over but I said I would meet him this Saturday.

Additional Material

Jay W. Lee, 78, of Taylorsville, Utah, passed away on Saturday, July 2, 2011, in Taylorsville. Jay was born Dec. 8, 1932, at the Lee Homestead near Heber, Utah.

27 February 1987 Friday

I was paid today and cleared $517. While at work today, I called the Crossroad’s Urban Center to ask for information regarding holding meetings there on Sundays. I talked to Michael Ortega, the director of the center and he said that no one meets there anymore on Sunday so I had him block out a time from noon until 2 in the afternoon. I was surprised that it was so easy to find a place so soon to begin holding church meetings so I thought this is where the Lord  wants us to be for the time being.             Then I called Craig Hunter and told him that we would be holding church service this Sunday. He was excited of course because he’s wanted to get a protestant Christian Meeting going for a while now.             I stayed after work at Utah Title until 7 this evening typing up a declaration for this Church of Christ and compiling hymns to include in a hymnal. When I came home, I just listened to K-Lites’ All Beatles Weekend and typed up my journal when I received a phone call from Billy Bikowski asking me if he could redeem a coupon I made for him last September  about spending the night at my place. He said his apartment was being shampooed by the managers and everything was a mess so he asked if he could sleep here.             I said certainly after all he had the coupon I made for him and at 11 he shows up with ice cream and a house plant for me.  I told him I wasn’t eating sugar right now but thanked him for the plant. That and the telephone cord are the only things Billy has ever given me except for maybe last summer when he and Mike Burton bought me a connection to hook up my telephone.             Anyway, we stayed up talking until 2 in the morning but I didn’t touch him or let him touch me. I tried to distance myself from him.

 28 February 1987 Saturday

It’s the last day of a short month. I had so much to do to get this church meeting going for tomorrow. I went to the Main Library and copied more hymns. I have about 45 songs all together and I made 15 copies of each for a Hymnal.             I then asked Ken ‘Sugar Tush’ Francis to take me down to the Scandia Koffee Shop to pick up the Marzipan Cake I ordered for Affirmation.             Kevin the guy who wanted information about Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians never called me back today.             I found out that Fran was up this weekend staying with Dave Waters and Suzie so in the evening I called her and asked if I could borrow the car to do some grocery shopping. Fran said sure as they were all going out to the movies.             About then Billy Bikowski called and said he wouldn’t be leaving Park City until 10:30 tonight when he could get a ride back down to the city. He didn’t want to hitchhike because it was too cold and late at night.             Well like the fool that I am, I told Billy that I have Fran’s car and I could come and get him. I’ve never been to Park City before but I did kind of want to see what it looked like especially since I applied to teach there. Well Billy said that would be cool and asked me if I wanted to go out when I got there. Of course that made me excited so I changed into some nicer clothes and drove up Parley’s Canyon to meet him. However while driving though the canyon I was swept with a feeling of melancholy as I zoomed out into the dark to go to a place I had never been before, to try and find Billy who would probably be sleeping when I got there. I thought why am I doing  his? Billy is never going to love me no matter what I do for him. He’s incapable of loving me.             Well I made it to Park City without too much anxiety and was able to find the Main Street Mall where Billy was sleeping in the back room of the Sun Gallery. It was about 10:30 at night when I arrived.             I was really tired from only 6 hours of sleep the night before and very, very moody. I knew my expectations would be dashed again so I turned them off. I had to wake Billy up.  After waking he said he wanted to show me around Park City but I just said to him “some other time. I’m tired and just want to go home.”             Billy asked if I was mad at him and I wasn’t lying when I said no. I was really mad at myself for putting myself in a position to be rejected again.             We then just drove back down to Salt Lake. I was extremely tired and did not talk to him to Billy the entire drive back except to reply to his comments. Eventually Billy became silent too as I was so unresponsive.             At the apartment, Billy gathered up his things he had left the other night and said he had to go back to the Scarsdale to call his friend Troy about some work project.          I said fine as I had no illusions that Billy wanted to be with me. I went to bed near midnight emotionally and mentally exhausted. So ends the month of February just as it began with Billy trashing my heart.

MARCH 1987

1 March 1987 Sunday-

I woke up at 8 this morning to get stuff ready for church today. I still had to assemble the hymnal books, go get grape juice, the crackers for the unleavened bread, a white cloth and small communion cups.     After doing all that running around, I went over to Dave Waters to return Fran’s car to her. Dave and Susie are moving again, this time way down to 62nd south and 17th South. That’s way out of the Gay Ghetto area that is between downtown and the University. Anyway, Fran then took me back home. When we were still in the car, as I was still discouraged over Billy Bikowski and feeling sorry for Fran, I started to cry with her. I told her that I loved her so much and perhaps in the next life I won’t fuck up so much and will be able to be with her more. I told her that I will always love her.     Then I ran into the building, got the things ready I needed for church and carried 15 hymnals, the grape juice, communion cups, crackers, white cloth, a collection basket, my Bible, and some cookies down to the Crossroad Urban center. I was kind of anxious to be doing this; that is forming a Church of Christ. I don’t believe I am starting a church because Christ has already started his Church. I am just organizing a branch here using the principals taught by Alexander Campbell to the Disciples “to speak where the Bible Speaks and Remain silent where the Bible is silent”.      Well Craig Hunter was the first to show up and he was so excited that he brought donuts and some punch for refreshments. Shortly after he came inside,  Jon Butler, Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis, and Fran Williams showed up  However Jon made this big announcement that he wouldn’t be able to stay but for a little while because he was so busy. I was really surprised to see Fran come because I really thought she wouldn’t have anything to do with the new branch of the Church of Christ but she came to support me. That made me love her even more. Anyway that’s all who came.     We sang hymns for about 15 minutes. I read from 1st Corinthian Chapter 13, where Paul wrote about love, and then I passed the communion crackers and grape juice as a symbol of Christ’s sacrifice of his body and blood. Then we sang the closing hymn which was “God Be with You Until we meet Again”.     The Church service lasted about an hour, at the most, and then we visited, ate Craig’s refreshments and then departed. No fuss and no muss.     I was surprised by Fran’s reaction to the simple church service. She said she really liked the simplicity of it. Anyway she left with me and came back to the apartment where we took a nap in the afternoon before getting ready for Affirmation.  The Wasatch Affirmation is celebrating its first anniversary with a pot luck this evening.     Anyway Mike Pipkin dropped by to tell me that he’s moved into apartment 7 in the cottages to the south of the main building that is also owned by the Bradshaws. So he’s now officially part of the Juel Gay family.  The first to move here was Russ Lane, then James Conrad, then me, then Jon Butler, then Ken Francis, and now Mike Pipkin. The Bradshaws sure are making money off us “faggots”. About a quarter to seven this evening, Billy Bikowski calls and says he won’t be going to Affirmation tonight. I tried to encourage him to come. I don’t know why. I guess because I did want to see his face.     I went to Affirmation with Fran and there were about 40 people gathered in the social hall for the pot luck. When I arrived Russ Lane informed me, that as Activity Chairman, it was my responsibility to set up the Pot Luck. That was news to me.      Fran and I sat mostly with Dave waters, Curtis Jensen, Greg Hardin, Barbara Dickey, and Walt Larabee.  Dave, Curtis, and Greg talked about their newly formed drag group “The Love Birds”. Greg is going by the name “Lulene Lovebird” now.     Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis was fuming over something Russ Lane said or did for most of the night for some reason. Russ does push people’s buttons and can be insensitive.     Billy didn’t come until 8:30 when Affirmation was about over. He came with Richard Lamborn. Billy was being friendly to others but aloof to me. He spent much of the time talking to Beau Chaine. I suppose I was jealous about the amount of time and attention Billy pays to Beau and Richard instead of me.     I overheard Billy say something disparaging about Greg Hardin being so “femmy” so I went and brought Greg over to meet to Billy.  I thought that if Billy actually met Lulene, he wouldn’t make such fun of him. Well all that did was piss Billy off because he thought I had done it to embarrass him. Well that pissed me off; that he was mad at me so I thought, “Fuck You” and had nothing more to do with him for the rest of the time.     I had to stay at the Unitarian Church to clean up the Social Hall and put chairs away, while the rest left.  Fran left directly from Affirmation and went out with her gang to Backstreet. They did ask me if I wanted to go with them, but I was tired and not in the mood.     Afterward cleaning and locking up, I took off and walked down the escarpment home. Along the way I thought it’s time to stop this abusive relationship with Billy.     When I came into the apartment, I gathered up every “shitting ass” thing of his and threw it in a garbage sack, even the half eaten carton of ice-cream. I then walked over to Billy’s apartment, carrying the sack I wanted to put it outside his door. Standing on the sidewalk, I saw the lights were on in his apartment so I knew he was home so I climbed up to the 3rd floor. Outside his door I could hear Richard and him talking. I thought, “Be with the son of a bitch, what do I care?” I hung his crap on his door knob and left.     The only reason Billy’s has been attentive to me lately is because Jim Rinaldi, his old infatuation, moved away. So I am barely better than nothing. However, when someone like Richard comes along, I’m out of the picture again.     Well Shit. I’m really angry and tired of it all. I went to bed at 10:30 but at 11 Darrell Hunt called from Idaho. He was all stressed out. He can’t find work in Idaho Falls and he thinks he is being black listed because of his arrest incident last summer which was arrested and it was all in the local papers.     He was in tears and Darrell has never been anything but an upbeat person, so I tried to be sweet to him and let him know he does have options. I said he could come down here and stay to look for work if he needed to.Anyway, from talking to him, it  became clear that even though rationally I say I’m Gay and happy and well adjusted, I think subconsciously I am punishing myself for being homosexual, having put Sam and Toby and the kitties to sleep, and for leaving Fran. Perhaps I am using Billy as a club to beat myself up with. I’ve found the perfect person to reject me, to hurt me, and to punish me for being “bad’.     It was a real insight for why I keep hanging on to this relationship when it’s obvious to everyone that it is self defeating, mentally destructive, and ego bruising. I need to find a mentally healthier relationship with someone. I am a wonderful catch and far better than what Billy deserves or at this point in his life, can even comprehend.     Well with this new insight perhaps I can get over Billy or at least stop letting him emotionally beat me up.

 2 March 1987 Monday

There’s nothing new going on at work. It was just a beautiful day at 57 degrees. The weatherman said that the weather will just get warmer for the rest of the week.     After I came from work and straightened up the place some, I did a load of laundry and sat down to pay some bills. I paid $200  for rent, $64 for electricity, $62 for my Spring Long Distance calls, $35 to Mountain Bell, $65 to Master Card, $40 to Weinstocks, $40 to J.C. Penny’s and some others until I ran out of money. The rest will have to wait until I get paid on the 15th. Tomorrow I will try to figure up how much I owe on my income taxes.     I changed the message on my answering machine today. It now says “This is not Burger King. I am not a whopper. This is Ben Williams. Leave a message and you can have it your way. Hold the pickles please. Oh I am not a Dairy Queen either.”     Anyway Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis dropped by and I guess he and Russ Lane were able to resolve their differences that they had Affirmation, whatever it was. Sugar Tush said that while he liked the church service Sunday, he didn’t feel comfortable being at the Crossroads Urban Center. Well you can’t please everyone and those who want to worship the Lord will do so even in a dank basement if that’s the only place they can.     Mike Pipkin also came by for a brief visit this evening. He came over to complain about Beau Chaine and other things. He was high. I went to bed at 11 tonight. In the news President Reagan is trying to cut his losses over the Iran Arms sale affair.  The Soviet Union proposed reducing the amount of missiles in Europe regardless of our “Star Wars” missile defense project.

 3 March 1987 Tuesday

It was a beautiful, warm, spring like day. I walked to the IRS building over on 4th East during my lunch hour and picked up some tax forms for Fran and I so I can  do our taxes for last year. I also picked up forms for Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis as he had asked me to do.     Anyway after that I also went downtown to Woolworth’s and bought some potting soil and some silk geranium flowers to make a hanging flower pot. Then I came back to Utah Title.     After getting off work, I rode my ten-speed bike up to Deseret Gym and worked out for about a half an hour before spending another half hour in the sauna and steam room. When I weighed myself I had lost 5 pounds this week and I am at 203 pounds now. I then rode back home, where I was going to sit down and do up my taxes, however Billy Bikowski came over while “Moonlighting” was on the TV. He said he wanted to talk about what happened between us last Sunday.             After we talked briefly about that, I finally said, “Billy what do you want from me?” He answered “The things no one else gives me; unconditional love.”     I replied to that saying, “I am only human Billy, and while I wish I had an inexhaustible supply of that love to give, I don’t. Something has to come back to me. I need to be held. I need to be kissed. I need to be treated like I am desirable. You make me feel like I have leprosy. You never sit with me in public spaces. You never touch me, never kiss me while I am always the one sitting with you, touching you and wanting to kiss you.”     I also told him that I never thought that my life’s work would have been wasted if I did nothing else but take care of him.  I said, “When you’re 65 years old, your wrinkles would still delight me because they are yours”  Nevertheless I also told him “I need to find someone who loves me with all my faults because they are mine.”     I continued and let him know that I don’t think I loved him anymore but am just hanging on to something I wanted but truly never was; like a “Lost Cause”, a utopia, a fantasy of us being together. It’s time to let that all go. I think I’ve had enough abuse and now it’s time to get well.     Billy responded to all that by saying, “I’m not in love with you.” I answered quietly to not respond to the jab to my heart, “I know and that’s why I don’t love you anymore either.”        He asked me if I was mad at him for not loving me.  I answered “Yes. Angry because I have to give up someone that I have loved for so long and that hurts.”     Billy left at 10. I didn’t care. I finished watching some 10 O’clock news and then went down to bed. I was physically tired from the work out at the gym and emotionally tired from the strange convoluted conversation I had with Billy.  In the news the actor Danny Kaye died today. I always thought he was a Hollywood closet case. Who knows?

 4 March 1987 Wednesday

At 69 degrees, it was a warm, beautiful day. Again there is nothing new at work. During my breaks, I wrote two ads for the personal section of the Triangle. It is the first time I ever did anything like that. I wonder if they will work.             In the evening, I mainly worked on doing up my taxes. Last year, together Fran and I made $22,000 and paid $1,800 in federal taxes and $500 to the state. We will have to come up with nearly $200 more for the feds and $400 for the state. It’s not fair that people with five or more kids, who really abuse the system, don’t have to pay taxes while people like Fran and I, who are childless, have to pay through the nose for other people’s kids. I don’t think people would mind paying taxes as much if it was fairer and everyone had to pay an equal portion of their income.              Mike Pipkin came by and stayed for most of the evening. I think he mostly came over to see what I had to eat in the kitchen. I hope he doesn’t plan on making a habit of that. He was high on pot again. Like a addict also, I called Billy Bikowski this evening. It’s a mistake to keep hanging on this tragedy. Ben just let it go. He’s not the only boy in town.             In the news President Reagan went on television to admit his mistakes in the Iran Affair.

5 March 1987 Thursday

I woke up at four this morning and just could not go back to sleep. I am worried about money problems and about the “Gold and Green Ball”. I’ve only sold three  tickets so far and it’s only three weeks away.             Anyway, at work it was quite boring because the computers were down until noon. So I spent some time doing Title Examining to keep busy. I worked overtime tonight also and stayed until seven this evening. At home I worked some more on taxes and I am so depressed over how much we still owe on them. I needed to get away so I went upstairs to visit with Russ Lane and discuss my concerns about the Gold and Green Ball. I said that perhaps we need to change it to a “Spring Fling” dance because of the low response to a “prom type” of dance.

 6 March 1987-Friday, -

I stayed home most of the evening, after coming home from work. I just tried to clean up the apartment some. My hay fever is kicking in and I’m all out of Bee Pollen capsules. I’ve got to get some soon.             I am really sad about my life right no. I know there’s a transition coming. I also think that cabin fever is finally catching up with me. I want summer to get here so I can start wearing shorts again.             I am not desperate but I don’t want to live my life alone; but with whom? It’s not going to be with Billy Bikowski. That I know. He hasn’t called me since last Monday. I’m the one who called him last Wednesday. Well, I will never call him again. He just doesn’t care about me. C’est le Vie.

Additional Material

The first “Women Aloud” program aired on KRCL in recognition of International Women’s Day with some of the programming aimed at a Lesbian audience.  The all women program continued for three days over the weekend.

 7 March 1987 Saturday—

My hay fever was just pounding me today. I rode my ten-speed down to the Christian Intermountain Book Store on 21st South and 11th East in Sugar House to look at the Communion trays. While they carried a lot of religious items they weren’t what I was really looking for, because they were too ornate and had crosses on them. The Churches of Christ like the Mormons don’t believe in putting crosses on their buildings.     Any way so I rode back home, then up to the Deseret Gym where I worked out a little bit. I then went to the Central Main Library to make some more copies of the hymns.     At 6:30 this evening, I went to the Ginger Bread House to meet Mike Anderson. Beau Chaine was holding a fund raiser for the for the Community Center and Clinic which will operate out of the Gingerbread House on 5th South and 5th East. The place looked absolutely darling and you could tell that Beau had put a lot of work into the place. I hope it all works out for him     I’m not really crazy about Beau right now, because I am still carrying around jealousy about him and Billy Bikowski’s attempt at sex, However as part of the Gay Community, I support him as much as I am able. Garth Chamberlain said that tonight is the “Coming Out Ball” at Backstreet sponsored by The Royal Court and asked if I was going but I declined saying I am too tired to go.     Michael and I didn’t stay long after we had a bite to eat in the café because he had to be at Westminster College for his play McBett. When we left he dropped me off at the Smith’s Food King on 8th and 9th  where I bought some groceries and then walked home carry them from there.     I spent the evening listening to music and putting together the hymnal booklets for tomorrow’s service. Then I just went to bed earlier than usual at 10. I haven’t heard a word from Billy.

 8   March 1987 Sunday

 I attended church today at the Crossroads Urban Center. Only Craig Hunter, Mike Anderson and I were in attendance this time. But it was fun anyway. We sang a lot and read a passage out of Matthew Chapter 23 about Christ telling us not to burden ourselves down by following the Pharisees odious rules of conduct. “For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. But all their works they do to be seen by men.” It sounds a lot like describing Mormons, Catholics, and “Born Again” leaders to me. The time spent at church was really nice and Craig brought refreshments again.      Afterwards I went over to Mike’s place for lunch where we had Albertson’s Fried Chicken and some potato salad. It was yummy. I stayed with Mike until three in the afternoon when I had Mike take me home to the Juel Apartments.             I really didn’t want to go to Affirmation tonight, but I felt obligated as I had to let people know that the “Gold and Green Ball” had been changed to a dance.  Mike gave me a ride up to the Unitarian Church and there I gave Diane her money back for the ticket she had purchased. She and Craig were the only ones who bought tickets this whole entire time.     I then gave a big speech about the lack of support for the community in general and how there won’t even be a community to support if our oppressors have their way.            A video called the “Male Couple” was being shown tonight. I saw Billy Bikowski at the meeting, but I ignored him like he ignores me. He hasn’t called me in a week to tell me how he’s doing or ask about me.    He didn’t totally control my actions though, because I really didn’t want to stay for the film. I’m not a couple and I really didn’t want to be in the same space with Billy therefore I didn’t stay for the entire meeting. I needed to be alone after seeing him. So I walked on home.     Later back at the Juel, I went upstairs to see Jon Butler and Richard Keller; to see how they are since I didn’t get to talk to them at Affirmation. They said the video never did show up so Affirmation just had a group discussion instead,  on how to be in a relationship.

 9 March 1987 Monday

There’s nothing happening at work worth writing about. When I came home, I walked up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union on campus. It was a pot luck gathering, and I brought a loaf of pumpernickel bread and some cheese spread. It was kind of a weird night up there.  I only went as not to stay home and isolate.            Half way through the meeting Billy Bikowski shows up. He tried to catch my eye but I simply ignored him. He’s no friend of mine and I refuse to let him trash my heart again. I mostly visited with Curtis Jensen, Dave Waters, Jim Hunsaker, Barbara Dickey and this cute kid named Chris Brown.  He’s an economic philosophy major and interesting as all heck. He’s a liberal to boot.            I made an announcement at the beginning of the meeting about the Affirmation Spring Fling Dance and about the formation of the Wasatch Church of Christ for those who might be interested.            I didn’t stay at LGSU for very long as I still have a hard time being with or around Billy. He’s such a downer to me.        Anyway as I was about to leave, Jim Hunsaker came up to me and we visited for nearly a half an hour. I really think Jim is a neat guy and would like to get to know him better but I don’t think that will ever happen. Dave Waters took me home and actually I am glad I didn’t just stay home and isolate.     When I came home, I saw that Mike Anderson had called. He was really down about life in general. So I called him back and tried to cheer him up. We talked about him getting in to college, perhaps as a theater major. Life is in transition for the both of us right now.    Eventually I won’t even remember Billy’s face. I hate that.  However, I saw my first daffodil of the season and that cheered my soul.

 10 March 1987 Tuesday

At work today, Jodie Horgan offered to teach an aerobic class in the Utah Title break room during lunch. We paid her a buck each and then she taught us how to stretch and exercise during our lunch breaks. She used to do it for a living so she knows what she is doing.            Troy Nichols, Leon the Title Officer, Pete from the recorder department, and I were the only guys in the class. Melinda, Gena, and Terrie were the only girls. We worked out for nearly 45 minutes then ran around the block on 4th South up 7th East to 3rd and the back down again on 600 East.  It really felt good and it was such a pretty day out, just a bit cool.            In the evening I didn’t do much but watched “Moonlighting” and visited with Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis and Mike Anderson over the phone. However I am really sore now from the work out.

 11 March 1987 Wednesday

Charlene at work gave me this diet that if you follow it exactly you are supposed to lose 10 pounds in three days. So after work I rode my ten-speed down to Smith Food King and bought everything I needed that I didn’t already have in the house in order to follow the diet. I’m really skeptical about it working but I thought why not give it a chance? It’s only for three days and certainly there’s nothing on the diet that will hurt me except for the Vanilla Ice Cream that it calls for. It’s just that I’ve been sugar abstinent since February 23rd, 18 days! Just three more days then I’d have gone 21 days; the amount of time to change a habit.            Anyway I went to the Metropolitan Community Church’s Spaghetti dinner fundraiser tonight. For $3 you get all the spaghetti you want to eat.   After my big speech about supporting the community at Affirmation, I thought I ought to at least walk the talk. The dinner was not half bad and I was able to talk with Rev. Bruce Barton and Mel Baker about the Affirmation Dance to be held on the 21st. I wanted Mel to announce it on KRCL and Bruce to talk it up at church.            Bruce said also that he wanted me to talk to Russ Lane about moving the time of Affirmation from seven to 7:30 on Sunday evenings so that more people from MCC could attend the lecture series. I said I would but I’d have to wait until the next business meeting.            Anyway when I came back to my apartment I saw that Kay Wiker had called from Southern California. I’ve known Kay since he was a teenager working with me at the Huddle in the Union Building at the University of Utah and at the Special Event Center, nearly 8 years ago. When I called him back, much later at night,  he said he may be coming back up to Utah in about 2 weeks from now.  He wanted to know if he could crash at my place. I said most certainly he could stay with me.            However before that, Mike Pipkin dropped by again. I said that I was just on my way up to see Russ Lane.   So he went with me. I wanted to show Russ the complementary card and letter that Chip Prince had sent me. Chip wrote such a glowing letter to me saying how much he admired my commitment to the community. That touched my heart as that I wasn’t certain that I was making any difference at all.            Up at Russ’ apartment, Ty Rawlson was there discussing with him the “self acceptance” pamphlet that I had edited for Russ. Ty is going to put it on Affirmation’s computer as part of a news letter.    We stayed and visited about politics and religion. Russ said that he was angry over a homophobic remark a High Councilman made at his LDS church sacrament meeting last Sunday.  I said to Russ, "I don’t even want to hear it. When you enter the lion’s den, you have to expect that you might get bit once in awhile.”            Anyway it was good to have visited with Mike, Ty, and Russ until 10:30 before going to bed after that.

 12 March 1987 Thursday

I started my 3 day diet today which is supposed to make me lose 10 pounds. I’m at 203 right now, so by Sunday if I am not at 193 pounds, I will know that it’s all bunk. It supposed to be a medical diet developed by the Miami Heart Institute and is based on the chemical breakdown of fat cells. You can’t substitute anything nor use seasoning except for salt and pepper. You are supposed to use it once a week and no more.            Today for breakfast I had a cup of tea, half of a grapefruit, 1 slice of toast with 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. For lunch I had a half cup of canned tuna fish, 1 slice of toast, and a cup of tea. Then for dinner I had 3 ounces of meat, 1 cup of string green beans, 1 cup of sliced beets, 1 small apple, and a cup of vanilla ice cream.  I really hated that part of the diet because it broke my abstinence from sugar, but I had to follow the diet exactly.            At work we had our aerobic class again but only Carol and I showed up for it. Jodie Horgan held class anyway just for the two of us. I was stiff and sore afterwards but it was good to work out and maybe I’ll learn enough to do it on my own.            When I came home from work, at 6:30 this evening, I had a message from Billy Bikowski on my recorder. I had changed my message on it again which said, “This is Ben Williams’ telephone and fun zone. For thrills, skills, and spills that won’t make you ill, leave a phone number and a message. And I’ll catch you at the matinee. Bye.”            Anyway, Billy had left a message saying, Boy, I was really pissed at you, but can’t thoroughly be after a recording like that. Please call. When you’re in.”            It’s been a week ago, Monday, that Billy had last called me. I didn’t call him back but went upstairs to see Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis before going out for the evening. He said, “Don’t call him for a couple of days.” That is what my head is telling me but not my heart.            So I left and went to the public library so as to get out of the apartment  rather than stay home and be tempted to snack while watching television. I stayed at the library until they closed at 9 then walked over to Main Street to the Magazine Shop where I saw Russ Lane.     We visited, with him telling me about his new job and I also had a chance to tell him what Bruce Barton had suggested about pushing back Affirmation’s meeting time. I convinced Russ to try it with Day Light Savings Time coming up. We need to build bridges with other organizations where ever was can rather than walls.            It was such a warm evening 60 degrees that it was very pleasant to be out walking. When I came back home to the Juel Apartments, I decided to call Billy to ask him what he wanted. Crazy I know.            When he answered there was a lot of silence on the line between us. He finally said he didn’t like the way I treated him at Affirmation and at the Lesbian and Gay Student Union as if, as he said, he was “air.” I responded, “I don’t like not hearing from you for days at a time either and if you care so little that you can’t call me I can’t care as much either. That gate swings both ways.”            He said he didn’t think there was a lack of communication between us and I said there hasn’t been “any” communication between us. I said, “Why should I treat you like a friend when you’re not a friend to me?”            Then he brought up again that he’s hesitant to show too much interest in me for fear I’ll take it the wrong way. I then asked, “What do you want from me? What is so special about Ben Williams that you’re willing to walk this fine line, this tight rope, to keep me as a friend? I don’t want you to. Not for my sake. If you don’t love me I’d rather you leave me.”    I added, “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be talking with, or to be with, than you Billy. But I have to emotionally survive and take care of myself also. So if you want the relationship to continue, you better start calling me every day, to relate how your day went and to ask me about mine.”            Billy only response was that he wants me to meet his sister when she comes to Utah from New Hampshire to see him. That was a strange reply to my demands and I asked why?  He didn’t answer so I clarified and said,  “I would  love to meet your sister but why do you want her to meet me?” He replied that I’m was about the only one that he would want his family to meet. I suppose that is a left handed compliment.            Then Billy said that I fascinate him or my love for him does, because he never had anyone love him so completely and unconditionally. I am not sure how to respond to that but then we reminisced about our adventures together and how I thought we were progressing in our relationship but he thought we were stuck.       I said to him “I never saw anything wrong being stuck with you.”            So on and on the conversation dragged on until at 11:30 when I finally said that we both needed to get some sleep and for us to hang up.    There’s a part of me that Billy can’t touch anymore.

 13 March 1987 Friday the 13th

This is the 2nd day of my 3 day diet and it’s starting to get tough. For breakfast I had I egg, a half a banana, a slice of unbuttered toast and a cup of tea.  Then for lunch I had a cup of cottage cheese and just 5 saltine crackers. That wasn’t filling at all.  For dinner I had two hot dogs without the buns, 1 cup of cooked broccoli, a half cup of cooked carrots, a half of a banana and a half cup of vanilla ice cream. I had a cup of tea with both lunch and dinner.            In the evening after work, Fran called me from Candy Steele’s place and asked if I wanted to go to the show and see “Platoon”. I wanted to be with Fran and also get out of the apartment so I said sure. It was lightly snowing as it had been raining all day. The snow however wasn’t sticking to the ground.            We went to the Plitt Theater down in the Crossroad’s Mall to see Platoon. The film was really intense and only made me sadder about the Viet Nam war, actually the horror of war. Straight men can glorify it all they want,  because so many of them are dead men inside already and incapable of feeling any emotions, joy or pain, even their own, especially their own.            At the theater Fran got into a small altercation with some girl who sat in front of her that embarrassed me. I can’t believe I went through nearly 10 years of that insanity. However I am powerless over people, places, and things. When I see Fran acting out like that, I’m glad I live alone. Except from that one incident marring the evening, I had a pretty good time.At 9:30, when we came back to the parking lot behind my place, Alma Smith pulled in. He had asked me yesterday if he could spend the night as he was back in town from California. I said certainly.            While inside visiting with Fran and Al, I had the urge to call Billy Bikowski so I did. He had just gotten home from Park City and was fixing a bowl of oatmeal for his supper. He was excited as that he was asked to deejay a spot on the radio up in Park City. He wanted us to get together to celebrate but I said that I had company over so I couldn’t, and couldn’t  visit on the phone very long.            Al made himself a bed on the couch and while Fran was getting ready for bed herself, I said to them that I was going out to see Billy briefly after all. I took the car and first stopped at Burger King on the corner, and bought Billy a Whopper, some French fries, and a chocolate shake before driving over to the Scarsdale Apartments. There he was surprised to be see me and he had me come in. We visited on his make shift couch and eventually Billy curled up in my lap and fell asleep. I was stroking his hair and savoring the moment.            At 12:30 in the morning, I said I had to go. I didn’t want to leave but I had to. It was a sweet loving tender moment with the boy Billy Bikowski. One of too few times, we had together.  

 14 March 1987 Saturday

            I woke up at 7 this morning and began to fix Alma Smith and Fran some breakfast although I am still rigorously sticking to my 3 day diet but I am really hungry.            Today I had 5 saltine crackers, a slice of cheese, 1 small apple, and a cup of tea for breakfast. For lunch I had a hardboiled egg and 1 slice of unbuttered toast.  Then for dinner I had a cup of canned tuna, 1 cup of sliced beets, 1 cup of cooked cauliflower, half of a cantaloupe, and a half cup of vanilla ice cream.            During the rest of the day, Fran went with me to buy a Sacrament tray at the LDS Church’s Distribution Center for $15. Then we went to the Intermountain Bookstore in Sugar House where I bought 1000 tiny cups for the Sacrament tray to serve grape juice at the Church of Christ service tomorrow.            We also went to the Deseret Industries on 7th South where Fran bought some more purses and shoes while I bought a cute wooden mug rack that mounts on the wall for fifty cents. I also bought a blue china canister coffee and tea set for $2.50. I love them.            From there we went to Woolworth’s on Main Street where I bought some tennis shoes and some shampoo.  At Woolworth we ran into Dave Reed who was out shopping with his wife and his children. Poor Dave, his wife is such a mousey thing. At least Fran is a class act and a beautiful woman.            Anyway, in the late afternoon Dave Waters, Suzan and Jane came over to my place to visit with Fran. I left them to go grocery shopping and then up to the Deseret Gym to see how much I weigh after all this tremendous effort the past few days.I was really disappointed that I weighed in at 200 pounds so I had only lost 3 pounds! I came home and almost ate everything in sight out of frustration. I have also been disappointed all day because Billy Bikowski hasn’t called or left a message on my recorder. He was supposed to. That was part of our deal.            This evening Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis asked me to go out with him to The Sun. I was really tired and didn’t want to go but then I thought “why be such a fuddy-duddy”,  so I went. Big Mistake.            I wasn’t having much fun at The Sun except for dancing. I was rather tired from being up since 7 this morning and not really getting much sleep the night before. It wasn’t a terribly boring time at the club,  as I just would have rather been there with Billy. The Sun was also extra crowded tonight from some Gay convention being in town, so I didn’t see many people there that I knew.            When I came home at 1 in the morning, Fran had left a note saying she had gone over to Dave Waters to spend the night. Tomorrow she’s going with him and his friends to Wendover to gamble. So I went to bed in an empty place, sort of sad that Billy didn’t call.    So I guess my life will continue to ne one disappointment after another.

Additional Material

The National Association for Lesbian and Gay Gerontology held their annual Conference in Salt Lake City. The conference goers attended skiing events,  symposia, workshops, at the American Society on Aging ‘s Annual Conference. On Saturday over 50 attended the conference under the leadership of outgoing President Eileen Lynette. “The real fun started with the presentation by David Turner of the social events planned by his local arrangements group. Once again, we were reminded of the distinct benefits of being gay and having our own special crowd. David and our wonder hosts squired us for Saturday dinner to Café Central, the city’s trendiest restaurant, where we learned the ropes about Utah’s liquor laws.  The women in the party were all in fashion with ties, the men were not.  Our craziness soon out grew the restaurant and we moved to the Sun, a great local disco/bar where David had arranged private club memberships for us all. We monopolized the dance floor until last call (12:30) and the ride back to our hotels.  The Sun became our conference social center, with the locals finally asking what ASA” really stood for. [David Turner became a husband to Marlin Criddle]

 15 March 1987 Sunday

I held church services at noon and only Brad Townsend and Craig Hunter attended. It still was good and we studied the first three chapters of the Book of Revelations.            When I came back to the apartment, I was disappointed that Billy still hadn’t called me, so I called him. I asked him over for dinner and I fixed corn beef and cabbage as it was so close to St. Patrick’s Day.As we ate, we talked a lot about us and I was surprised to hear Billy say that the Covenants that he made in the Temple about his chastity is still binding on him.  I said “How dare you pick and choose which covenants you will keep. Why are you not wearing your garments then?  Either accept all of it or get rid of all of it.”            We also talked about his missionary experiences in Uruguay and how it wasn’t a positive incident for him. He was sent home early and he still feels great guilt over that.            Craig Hunter was out and about and dropped by asking for a ride later to Affirmation. I said that Billy and I could come and get him but when we did at 6:45, he wasn’t home. Curious.            We didn’t go to Affirmation either but stayed in for the evening. All my attention these days are on Billy and there’s not much time for much else. Billy is all consuming.

 16 March 1987-Monday-

I went into work at 8 and stayed until 7 this evening.  At noon I came home and listened to Russ Lane being interviewed on KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I taped recorded it so he hear it later.             Canyon Anderson and I had an interesting discussion about religion while at work. I told him that if Mormonism is impeding my progression then I am obligated to let it go.     I didn’t go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union tonight because I was rather tired from being at work for so long.  Billy Bikowski didn’t call me today either.

 17 March 1987 Tuesday

I went on the diet again but modified it a little because I know now you can’t lose 10 pounds in 3 days by being strictly on it. But 3 pounds a week isn’t too bad.  I worked from 8 in the morning until 7 in the evening again. We have been swamped at work with Title searches. I am back to running all the names again in the General Index to be checked for judgments because Dynacomp screwed up royally. I guess that shows Bob Elcock that I know what I am doing even if he doesn’t.             After work I walked downtown to the Magazine Shop and Hyatt’s to get out of the apartment. I think I was really just out cruising because I am horny. Actually, I‘m more angry, frustrated, and resentful than horny, I think.             Billy Bikowski did call me at work to say he’s packing to leave tomorrow for Colorado to go pick his sister up who is flying into Denver.  He’s anxious because his money from his last job didn’t come in today. It sounds like a repeat of last Christmas. I thought what will I do if Billy asks me for money to go to Colorado. I had to remind myself that on his birthday, after I had made a lavish meal, he stood me up by him rather being with Scott Wallendorf than me.  I also had spent $45 on clothes for his birthday and then he went off to be with Richard Lamborn,  than be with me. I spent $150 getting Billy home to New Hampshire for Christmas, acted as an intercessory between him and his land lord, and then when he returns, he wanted to spend the night with Jim Rinaldi, rather than be with me. Finally when I walked with him in a blizzard to retrieve his bike, back at the apartment when I wanted to hold him and make love to him, he threatened to hit me and tells me I am not his type. No I will not lend him the money this time. Still, I love just visiting with Billy. Why?

 18 March 1987 Wednesday

            I worked from 8 this morning until 6 this evening and after work I went to the downtown library where I sat and read a book about the life of Cole Porter. I sat on the benches near the elevator where I could watch guys come and go into the 3rd floor men’s room.     I followed this one man in and watched some other guy give him a blow job.  Then I thought this is ridiculous. I don’t want to be out tricking. I want to be loved and loved. And if Billy doesn’t want to be that one then there’s someone else out there who does want to be loved by me as much as Billy does but will return that love back to me.     My anger and resentment is building instead of ebbing. Angry at the Gay Community, myself, Billy Bikowski, Paul Brown at work, and the fact that here I am a Gay man and I can’t find a lover who will be responsive to me.

 19 March 1987 Thursday

I worked from 8 this morning until 6:30 in the evening because we are still very busy at work and I can certainly use the overtime.             When I came home, I saw that Mike Anderson had left a message for me to call him. He wanted me to go with him and Lamont Draney to Puss N Boots for Beer Bust. Puss N Boots is all the way over on Redwood Road and about Tenth South so I really didn’t want to go because I thought Billy Bikowski might call me or come by. I wanted to talk with him before he left on his trip but he never called. Evidently he didn’t want to talk to me.              So Mike talked me into going with Lamont and him but I had a lousy time at Puss N Boots and I am seriously thinking I’ve had enough of the bar scene since I really don’t drink. Besides, the Lesbians at Puss N Boots don’t like Gay men coming into the bar unless they are with women and even then they hardly tolerate you.      I saw Barbara Dickey there so I went and sat with her so I wouldn’t be harassed by some drunk bull dyke.  She was there with Wade, her husband’s lover and he was as bored as I was. When they left at 10, Barbara and Wade took me home while Mike and Lamont kept on drinking.             When I came inside my apartment, I checked my messages, and there weren’t any from Billy. Well I am sure Billy Bikowski must have left for Denver today, I suppose. He didn’t say goodbye, “Kiss my Ass” or anything.  I am disappointed but not crushed. Why should I be?             Before going to bed I wrote little notes to Darrell Hunt, Chip Prince and Bruce Barton thanking them for their support. I will send them off tomorrow.

20 March 1987 Friday

            Today is my mom and dad’s 41st Anniversary. They were married in Olton, Texas, as soon as dad was mustered out of the navy. Speaking of Texas, I met a really neat person today named Bill Harris from Houston, Texas. He is a friend of Craig Hunter’s and was up visiting and staying with him.     Craig had invited me to come over, a while back, for a Gone With the Wind party he was having for this friend Bill. I really didn’t want to go out but thought I ought to go and support Craig since he has been super supportive of me and church services. Fran was up from Provo, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me but she said she wanted just to stay home and rest.             So anyway, I went out and when I arrived at Craig’s around 7 in the evening I saw several people there that I knew besides Craig Hunter and some I didn’t. There were Brad Townsend, Kent Lowe, and two guys named Ken and Jay who I didn’t know. Upon meeting Bill Harris I thought that he looked really different from the picture that Craig had shown me. I felt attracted to him and we sat together throughout the long movie and afterwards we made out.             He was such as great kisser and even after everyone else had left, I stayed at Craig’s place until 3 in the morning just glued to Bill.  I had a really wonderful time and we all made plans to go out dancing tomorrow at Backstreet.

 21 March 1987 Saturday

What a wonderful, exciting day. Fran went off with her friend Bonnie to go the rodeo, so she left me the car so I could use it to go shopping and to take it out tonight.     I went to Backstreet with Bill Harris, Craig Hunter, Brad Townsend and Bill’s friend named Jay. There we met up with Mike Anderson and his date a kid named Von.             Backstreet was absolutely amazing. It was the Calendar Boy Contest Night and we were there also to support Ken “Sugar Tush”  Francis who had entered the contest and he won.   There were lots of cute boys wearing Speedos so he had lots of competition but I think Sugar Tush’s smile and charm won the judges over. Walt Larabee was the host and I think he was there mostly for his comedic talent and salaciousness.             There were so many people at the show I knew and they came over to our table to see Bill Harris and me. All through out the evening when not dancing, Bill and I kissed and made out. When we danced we held each other and it was so thrilling. It would be so easy to fall in love with Bill. He’s exciting, cute, sweet, sensitive, and loving and I really, really like him a lot.  We stayed at Backstreet until closing and I was a little tipsy on two wine coolers.     After we closed the place down, we all went to Beau Chaine’s Ginger Bread House for coffee and to get a bite to eat.  After that I went back to Craig’s place to take the rest of them home. However I stayed up with Bill until 4 in the morning. I think I am falling in love but I can’t because I love Billy Bikowski. Don’t I?

 22 March 1987 Sunday

I attended church services this morning with Craig Hunter, Bill Harris, and Mike Anderson. We sang a bunch of hymns, read from Matthew Chapter 5 and took the Lord’s Supper of grape juice and unleavened bread, actually crackers. It’s the same thing really.             I wanted to have Bill and Craig over for Sunday dinner by they had an engagement to eat dinner with Craig’s land lady.             In the afternoon at 3, when I knew they were done eating, I went back over to Craig’s. I went with Brad Townsend and Craig to take Bill to the airport. I just held him all the way to there and I hugged him as he left to get onto the plane. His flight to Houston took off at 5.             When I came back home, Fran was here and getting ready to leave for Provo. I didn’t want to go to Affirmation but Fran’s feelings were hurt that I hadn’t spent much time with her this weekend. God it’s a mess.             I love her. She loves me. But how can I make a relationship with her work again now that I am an openly Gay man? I am Gay. I can’t deny, suppress, repress, and sublimate my real nature anymore. We talked divorce again and held each other until she left to go back to Provo, at 8 this evening.     Billy Bikowski called to let me know that he and his sister were back in Salt Lake City. He said that he tried calling me last Thursday but couldn’t get a hold of me, of which I was skeptical because my recorder is working just fine.             Anyway he asked me to go grocery shopping with him, which I did. I just love being with the bastard. But he’s got to make a choice, because Bill Harris, with a little bit of effort, is someone I think I could fall in love with. I sure enjoyed kissing him while dancing at Backstreet last night. The strange tale of two Bills.

 23 March 1987 Monday

Billy Bikowski said he’d call today but he didn’t. I had wanted to fix him and his sister a nice dinner but he never returned my call so I ate alone.

 24 March 1987 Tuesday

At 8:30 this evening, Billy Bikowski calls me asking if he could bring his sister, Elizabeth over to meet me. I said certainly. They brought with them a pizza but I was kind of aloof with Billy and wouldn’t eat any. I was still mad that he didn’t call yesterday. The reason I was upset was that he hadn’t let me know what was going on with him and his sister. Also it was nearly 9:30 at night when they came over. I am always an afterthought.             However I was really friendly towards his younger sister. I said I hoped she was enjoying her stay here in the west. There’s no mountains in the east that match the Wasatch Range. I also gave her some good advice about going to college. Elizabeth Bikowski was typical bubbly 20 year old girl and I could tell that Billy really loved her. I was glad to see that Billy is capable of loving someone.

 25 March 1987 Wednesday

I am still not feeling well. I am also still upset over Billy Bikowski’s disregards for my feelings and over Affirmation’s lack of support for the dance this coming Saturday. The response has been really underwhelming and I’ve been worried sick this week on how to make it come off. I don’t think I can, when virtually I am doing it all by myself with no support from anyone else.     The more I thought about it the more anxious I became. So I finally called Russ Lane to tell him I’ve decided to cancel the dance.  He came down to my apartment and we discussed it. He agreed with me and while I am disappointed, I am also so relieved.

 26 March 1987 Thursday

I called Billy Bikowski this morning to say goodbye to his sister Elizabeth as that she left this morning to go back to Concord, New Hampshire. I love her because Billy loves her so much. Anyway she thanked me for the advice I gave her about college. I didn’t really talk to Billy any. I really didn’t want to.             It was cold, blustery, and snowy day outside tonight, so after work I just stayed home and watched some television. I also finished writing the letter I’m sending to the Triangle Magazine.             Mark Crux dropped by around 9:30 and stayed until after 10. He was in an amorous mood but I wasn’t. I was perplexed by my two Billys.             I tried calling Bill Harris back in Texas earlier in the evening but the phone just rang and rang. Later when I tried again his line was busy for over an hour.             Anyway, while Mark was here trying to get into my pants, Billy Bikowski calls to visit and thanked me for calling his sister this morning. We visited some but it was hard to get too serious as that Mark was here. I also I didn’t want to be rude to Mark who was sitting next to me on the couch and yet I didn’t want to let Billy go either. However Billy hung up first saying “ciao” which of course was disappointing.             Feeling even more discourage, I told Mark that I was really tired and needed to go to bed. I really just wanted him to leave so he doesn’t get any more ideas about romance. I told him I was monogamous with Billy and he said that he didn’t know that we were back together.  I said “Well we are; at least for the time being.” So Mark left.     I then tried calling Houston again but the line was still busy. So instead I called Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis who had also called earlier while Mark  was here.  Sugar Tush was depressed because he had been stood up by both Ray and Mike, these two guys he was interested in.             Offhandedly Sugar Tush says to me, “By the way did Billy tell you I saw him downtown?” I said “no. Where did you see him?” Sugar Tush answered, “Down at the Magazine Shop.” I asked, “In the porno section?”, and he said “Yeah”.             I couldn’t believe it! Miss Polly Pure! So when I got off the phone with Sugar Tush I called Billy back up but his line was busy. His line was busy for over an hour.             When I finally got through to Billy, it was nearly midnight. I asked “Who were you on the phone with for over an hour?”  Billy says he was talking to some guy he knew up in Layton with whom he’s going skiing this weekend.  Then I said that Sugar Tush said he saw you today at the Magazine Shop. That freaked Billy out that I would find out he was looking at dirty magazines. So I just said, “Billy why go looking for it when I’m here? You don’t have to answer because I know the answer.”             Then I told him about Bill Harris and how we hit it off and how he is coming back in May just to see me. I told Billy that he has to make up his mind because if he doesn’t want me as a companion, I know someone who does.             Bill Harris is willing to fly all the way from Texas to be with me and Billy won’t even ask me out on a date. I am so stupid. Love is so blind and unkind. I am so disappointed in both Billy and myself.  I’ve made up my mind to leave Billy behind and go with a relationship with Bill Harris wherever that might take us. Fare Thee Well Billy Bikowski. I love you and goodbye.

 27 March 1987 Friday

After work, Mike Anderson came over to my place in the late afternoon bummed out over his roommate relationship with Lamont Draney and how badly he treats him. I guess Lamont is an alcoholic. Mike wants to move out and I said he can come stay with me until he moves to Greece which he’s been talking about.             We talked all evening and watched a video of his that he brought over called “Gold Diggers of 1933". It was great. Neither one of us had felt like going out as we were both getting over a slight cold.             I sent Bill Harris another letter today and called him at 9:30 this evening. We visited briefly and I am really confused about my feelings for Billy Bikowski and Bill Harris. Bill is coming back to Utah on May 22nd to be with me and Billy can’t even come three blocks to see me unless he needs something.             Fran called and said she’s staying with Dave Waters this weekend, to give me “my space.” She is helping David Waters, Curtis Jensen, and Greg Harden dress for a fundraiser tonight at Backstreet. The guys have formed a lip synching drag act called the Lovebirds. Their gimmick is that they perform to old girl group songs from the 1960’s, like the Supremes, The Ronettes, and the Chiffons.     Curtis is also a member of the Utah planning committee of the Mountain and Desert States Conference and is raising funds by performing at Backstreet and by selling rubber stamps that read “GAY $”.

 28 March 1987 Saturday

Today would have been the Gold and Green Ball. What a disappointment that was. It snowed for most of the morning and I am so sick of the white shit.  Mike Anderson spent the night and we just lay around being lazy. We watched “East of Eden.” We didn’t have breakfast as we were still stuffed from the pizza I made last night.     This morning Fran dropped a bombshell on me, about her news about the taxes that the IRS says we owe. She was fired this week from her job at the IRS after they audited her and showed that we owed over a $1000 in back taxes. So now she has no income to help pay them and it now it all falls upon me.     The IRS is charging interest all the way back to 1982 so that is why we owe so much. I was very upset as we would never have been audited if she had not gone to work for the IRS. I said I wanted a divorce because I am tired of being burdened financially by her irresponsibility. I said I’m not going to live under the threat of the IRS for the rest of my life.             In the afternoon, Mike and I went to the main library just to get out of the house to be doing something. Mike is obsessed about reading about Lewis Carroll who some say was a pedophile. I read a few books on movies and watched who was up cruising the men’s rooms.             Mike came across Shawn Donnelly while we were at the library. I hadn’t seen him in ages. He was at the library with his boyfriend so I finally got to meet him at last. He’s absolutely gorgeous. Well they both are.             After leaving the library, Mike and I went grocery shopping and then to Cahoots at 9th and 9th. I bought two Gay themed cards that I want to send to Bill Harris.             However, Mike and I didn’t just want to spend another evening home so we decided to go see Steve Oldroyd, where we had been invited to watch pornos. Steve lives at an apartment in the Avenues on 1st Street and Avenue A.             At his place, I met Joe Cox who was a relative of Mike Pipkin, who was also there. Joe was really cute but really confused about his sexuality. I couldn’t figure out whether he was Steve Oldroyd’s or Mike Pipkin’s date. However he was coming on to all of us, as that he was in his candy store stage when he wants to sample everything.             I got drunk and soon was bored with watching pornos. Mike and I only went over to Steve’s because we thought we could meet new people but the only new kid there was Joe and he was not enough for all of us to share.             So anyway I told Mike wanted to leave. He agreed and Mike Pipkin also went with us to the Deer Hunter, leaving cute Joe Cox and his cock behind to fend for himself but since he was being blown I don’t think he minded.     I really didn’t want Mike Pipkin tagging along as he was high and had been so rude and nasty to me at Steve’s. He was worse at the Deer Hunter.     At the bar, we saw Bryce from Affirmation and he latched onto Mike Anderson. That left me with Mike Pipkin who then started in on me again. I told him if he didn’t like being here with me he could take a hike. Then he slapped my face like he was being playful; but it hurt and besides I don’t like him well enough for him to be that abusive to me.             I told him to fuck off and that Mike Anderson likes me just fine even if he didn’t. Then I asked Mike Anderson, who really wasn’t paying attending to what was going on between Mike Pipkin and me, “Do you think I’m being loud and unattractive?”  Mike Anderson answered, trying to be funny, “Only when you open your mouth.”  That response of his hurt my feelings far more than Mike Pipkin slapping me. I knew that Mike Anderson was drunk and was only trying to be witty but I was really hurt by his comment and walked out of the bar.             As I left I heard Mike Pipkin tell Mike Anderson to just let me go, that I’d be back, but Mike Anderson ran after me, out onto the street. I turned and said to him, “Mike I love you, but I just need to be alone. I’m going home.”             So I walked home the 2 miles from the Deer Hunter at midnight, in the freezing 32 degree weather, without a coat. I was so mad and full of alcohol that I hardly felt the cold night air.             I kept feeling so old and fat  and unattractive while walking home and angry that Billy Bikowski doesn’t love me  and protect me from all this. I am so sick of Mike Pipkin and am done with him. I don’t need his abuse.

 29 March 1987 Sunday

Mike Anderson came home at 2:30 this morning and slept on one of  the camelback couches. When we both were up later, we talked briefly about what happened last night. I told him that I was not mad at him, just at Mike Pipkin. I explained, “I was hurt because you didn’t support me but then you  really didn’t know what was going on between Mike Pipkin and me.”             After we cleared the air, Mike then said he met a boy named Brian at the Deer Hunter, who after the bar closed went with him out for coffee.  After talking out our feelings we then got ready for church.     We were the only one’s there at the Crossroads Urban center but we had a good time anyway, singing gospel hymns. I read from Matthew Chapter 11 about the Lord’s burden being light.             Anyway in the afternoon, we went down to Liberty Park where we nearly froze to death. We were writing poetry and watching the closeted fags cruise the men’s room.             We stayed at the park until walking back up along 6th East to attend services at the Metropolitan Community Church. Later Mike went to Affirmation but I was tired and just stayed home. I am glad I did because Bill Harris called ne from Texas and we talked for about an hour long distance. He is such a darling man.

 30  March 1987 Monday

Billy Bikowski called while Mike Anderson and I were watching the Oscars. I asked him why he called. He said to see if I was okay. I said, “That’s not true, Billy. You called to see if I still cared.” He admitted that was true.     We ended up talking on the phone for two hours. Billy was finally honest with me. He said he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to love me. He said he’s capable of being in love but he just doesn’t want it to be with me. Billy wants me to be there when he needs me and for me to always love him but what about my needs? He never offered to fulfill even one.             He admitted that he had used me since he has known me and I said that I appreciated his honesty but I said that I knew all along that he was using me, but I said I never felt like he was abusing me. However I said that it was unkind of him to make me feel unattractive and it was unworthy of him to be so hurtful to me. But I also said I didn’t think he was intentionally trying to be cruel. I told him that’s because there was too much honor in me to conceive of dishonor in someone I love. I told him I will get over him in time. I will love again and that I have a lot of love to give to someone.             So now I know deep in my soul that it is over. I love Billy. I will always love Billy but I can go on with my life.  I will miss him. I would be lying to myself to say it will be easy but God will help me if it’s his will.     When I said goodbye to Billy, I asked him to take care of himself, to be kind to himself, and to continue to grow as an artist since I won’t be there myself to take care of him anymore.             After getting off the phone, I finished watching the Oscars with Michael just in time to see that "Platoon" won best picture. All in all the Oscars were pretty predictable.             My friend Kay Wiker dropped by at 9:45 tonight and said he’s going to be spending some time in Utah because his mother is sick. He and Mike Anderson then went out for a drink but I was too tired and too emotionally drained to go with them             I needed to be alone with my memories of Billy. I want to just remember the good times; the sweet times. Will time heal these wounds? Yes.

 31 March 1987 Tuesday

Today would have been my Grandma Williams’ 85th birthday. I still miss her so much.      I felt kind of melancholy this morning over my conversation with Billy Bikowski from last night. I cried a little and felt sad and blue as if I was in mourning.  However I just can’t work up any anger even though I did later write a letter to Billy, although didn’t send it.  It was enough to have written it but unnecessary to send it.             No matter how poorly Billy treats me, I must remain a charitable Christian for the most part and love him, not hurt him or what is the point of attending church?             At breakfast, Kay Wiker and Mike Anderson said they had fun going out last night to Backstreet where they mainly played pool in the front bar. They stayed at the apartment while I left for work across the street.             After work, Mike came back over and we went to the Tower Theater  which is next door to Cahoots and saw “Little Shop of Horrors” and “ Radio Days”. I really enjoyed Radio Days more than Little Shop of Horrors but Mike preferred it to Radio Days.             We saw Garth Chamberlain and John Bennett from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union at the show however they were not out together. Neal Hoyt from Affirmation was also there with some kid.     Garth was quick to run over to us to tell us that he was with his “straight” friends so as to have us not be so “obvious”. That is such Bullshit. I told him that if he’s ashamed of us to quit hanging around us. As for me I’ve come out of that fear closet.             Speaking to John Bennett, he said that he’s upset that KSL had refused to show a CBS after school special entitled; “What If I’m Gay?” which depicted a teenager’s struggle with his homosexuality. He also said he heard that the Jeff’s Gym bathhouse was finally closed down by the city because of their fear of AIDS spreading.

Additional Material

 Jeff’s Gym closed after deciding not to contest further efforts on the part of the city to close the bathhouse down. “The decision of Salt Lake City officials to close that institution is a clear sign that AIDS has inalterably affected Gay life—not only medically but politically and socially as well.”  By agreeing not to contest the city’s license revocation, Jeff Gym deprived the court of the opportunity to set a precedent labeling Gay meeting places as “public  nuisances”