APRIL 1990
1 April 1990 Sunday
I had to get out of Salt Lake City with all the Mormons in town for Conference. I’m sure Chuck-A-Rama is doing a landslide business in green Jello. Mike Pipkin and I drove out to Bare Ass Beach to take in some sun and to enjoy the sights of all the naked men out there. It was just a perfect day to be out. We picked up this one guy named Dave, about 45 years old, very military looking, married, and we gave him some pleasurable moments. We left the beach at 4:30 and came home to the apartment so I could rest up before going in to KRCL’s radio studio. Becky Moss seemed really tired but we managed to put together two shows. One was from the last interview we did with Dr. Patty Reagan. After taping the shows, I left 700 South and drove up to the Unitarian Church on 1300 East to attend Affirmation but no one was there. I wasn’t sure whether the meeting had been canceled for conference or not. So, I drove back down and cruised through Liberty Park where after parking, this weirdo in camouflage fatigues sneaked up on me and grabbed at my window and hollered, “Gotcha”. I just quickly pulled away, wondering what kind of freaks are coming out of the woods these days. My friend Darrell Webber was murdered on April 7th last year and he’s been on my mind lately. Some other freaks killed some animals and left them at the old pound near the sulfur springs. I’m sure it was some Satan worshippers. I don’t know now if I will be going back there anytime soon. I feel that an evil presence is strong there now, so it’s very important to stay close to the Gay Spirit and trust that Mother Goddess will protect her children. So, April is here. What will the new month bring? Life is all about discovery.
2 April 1990 Monday
Today is sweet Buddy Husky’s 41st birthday, my sister Donna and my first love. He will always be young in my mind and a teenage Texas rodeo cowboy. I went back to work at Orchard and it’s the beginning of the end of the school year with it being the 4th term. I had my “personal” interview with Wayne Stanger which surprisingly, he gave me all 5’s which is the highest score. He never shows that he approves of me so I was surprised. One of the requirements of the interview for retention is to tell what you do outside the classroom in the community and I told him for community service I do a lot of volunteer work at KRCL and have helped with the AIDS Foundation. If he only knew the full extent of my community service I’d probably be fired on the spot. After work, I came home and did up the dishes left from the weekend. I paid rent today $367 and also sent Marjean Allen a check for $320. I only owe $320 left on my van. Yay. John Schellinger came over to visit with Mike Pipkin and teased me a lot as he could lock into my Aries’ and female energies and he had fun with it. It’s fun being Gay, having both male and female energies. In the evening I drove up to LGSU and filled out some forms in the meeting regarding Gay terminologies. Some guy from BYU is a linguist and is doing a study on Gay language. That was fun and I knew a lot of words the younger folks didn’t. After the meeting broke up, I remained and talked to a few people about Charles Van Dam and the Gay Historical Society. I have a date with someone from the trick line tomorrow at 10 o’clock, if he shows up. He’s married but I don’t care if he doesn’t. I have been there in the past. Gay bonding has nothing to do with patriarchal marriage where women are chattel to be bred. My letter to the editor was in the Tribue today. “Thanks For Support- Thank You for your fair and refreshing views on equal protection under U.S. Law as per the March 4 editorial ‘Court Perpetuates Prejudice.’ The Tribune has consistently been a friend to the underdog including the gay and Lesbian community of Utah Ben Williams”
3 April 1990 Tuesday
Everything is budding out and blooming in Salt Lake and my hay fever is just miserable but for some reason it’s not quite as bad as last year. I went and had my beard trimmed after school let out at the $3 barber shop on 7th East so I didn’t get home until 5 o’clock at the same time Mike Pipkin did. He gave me an application form he found regarding an anti-Gay forum that the Evergreen Foundation us sponsoring in May. It’s called “You Don’t Have to Be Gay.” It is really pathetic to use Gay self-hatred to make a buck. Anyway, I stayed home for the rest of the evening and watched television for a change. My married trick was a no show.
4 April 1990 Wednesday
This week seems to be zooming by. After school let out I came home and grabbed some dinner before taking off to go out cruising but without any luck so just came home to bed.
5 April 1990 Thursday
I made arrangements while at school for a substitute for tomorrow. I need a break because I am worn down from my hay fever. I went to the Gay and Lesbian Community Council meeting tonight and it will be the last time we meet on Thursdays at the MCC. There was a good turnout but the meeting which started at 7 lasted three hours. It couldn’t be helped. It was necessary as a lot of things had to be discussed regarding the Anne Frank witness event and Evergreen coming in May. Dave Malmstrom and Chuck Thomas, both former directors of Affirmation and now lovers, were at the council meeting with Dave’s sister Lynnette Malmstrom. She is a therapist social worker and she brought up things we could do to counter the Evergreen’s crap. She suggested that we contact the hospitals that these presenters are working out of and question their ethics. A man from the ALCU spoke about us strengthening our ties with that organization because of our common dedication to the Bill of Rights. It was good to see such a large turnout at the meeting although I was really tired by the time I came home after 10 o’clock.
6 April 1990 Friday
I made an appointment to see Dr. Adams at the Redwood Road FHP Clinic for my hay fever. I don’t have to take a bus all the way down to 7400 South anymore. He gave me another prescription for Vansenase. I also called New Mexico to find out what is going on with my certification there. They had my wrong Post Office box number and they said they never received my transcripts from BYU or Weber State. Ugh. So, I called Weber State back up and they said they sent one to my P.O box and not to New Mexico so I have to order another one. I also have to try and get a transcript from BYU. I was really tired out but at least I got those things accomplished. At 4:30 I drove down to Nature’s Way on 900 South to pick up Mike Pipkin and we went to an early showing of I Love You to Death starring Kevin Kline and Tracy Ullman. It was really funny. Afterwards we stopped at Ambassador Pizza and brought it home to eat. I was then in for the evening but Mike Pipkin went out to the bars with Willie Marshall. Willie had come over to talk to me about Darrell Webber as I was subpoena today to be a witness in the Marty Withers trial this coming Wednesday. Marty is trying to claim that Darrell pulled a knife on him and he killed Darrell in self-defense. What nonsense. I never saw a violent side to Darrell nor heard anyone say he had one. Our community would have talked about it if he had one.
7 April 1990 Saturday
I had a restless sleep last night. Mike Pipkin was in and out bringing home some trick. I spent the morning kind of lounging around. In the afternoon Mike and I were going to go up to the U of U’s men’s sauna when Fran caught us as we were getting ready to leave, so I stayed and visited with her all afternoon instead. I think she is kind of lonely since her breakup with Vince. It was good to be with her and at one point I gave Mike and her the Color of Love test to see what kind lover they were. Fran is just like me a “Manic-Eros” . I knew that before even giving her the quiz. Mike was a “Ludic-Eros” one who sees himself as a playful, romantic, a bit of a Don Juan. With Manic Eros, if the object of our desire is responsive we become stable but in an unrequited relationship we become consumed with a mania. Fran stayed until 4 o’clock, right before the Stonewall Town Metting then left for Provo. Debbie Rosenberg was out of town with her mom in New York so I was the main facilitator today. I also had to keep the minutes. The meeting lasted until 6 but was very productive. We are going to incorporate and define the duties of treasurer and also do a post card mailing for the “Gay Bill of Rights” that David Nelson wrote. After the meeting was over I took Bobbie Smith and Rocky O’Donovan home. After dropping them off, I went to the sulfur hot springs to see if it would help my hay fever. There I met this man named Kim and we worked to enlarge the pond below the flood gates by removing rocks and dredging it some more. That was kind of fun. Kim was a nice man, kind of macho and kind of gentle and very Gay friendly although not Gay himself. He said his girlfriend, however, was bi-sexual. About 8 o’clock she came to the springs drunk, and both Kim and she got into a drunken shouting match which I was afraid would escalate into physical abuse. I used Gay magic to calm them down by being a bridge between the sexes, explaining to Kim her needs and his needs to her and letting them express their pain without being abusive. It was what I call Gay magic, emulating from the Gay Spirit that worked upon them.
8 April 1990 Sunday
I was up at 8 o’clock and it looked overcast and stormy I drove up to the sulfur springs to soak. There I met this gorgeous man named Tom Finegar who is an English teacher in North Layton Jr. High. We talked for the longest time about the Davis District. He was Gay friendly with a bi-sexual girlfriend who has a Lesbian lover. He’s been in this relationship for 9 years. I wonder why the Gay spirit has been directing me towards these men who have girlfriends in bi-sexual relationships. I wonder if it’s to understand that Fran is truly bisexual and not truly a Lesbian? Is it to have more compassion and understanding for the bisexual instead of seeing sexual orientation simply as black and white concepts? I will have to ponder all this but it is strange that all these bisexuals are women and not men. I stayed at the springs until 11:30 and the drove to Sunnyside Park because it was by now raining and I knew that the only people out in the park would be cruising. I met a nice guy and we fucked in my van and made powerful magic, I then left and went up to the sauna to sweat and shower off the sulfur smell that still was on me. I weighed in at 197 pounds. Yay! I stayed at the HYPER Building until 3 o’clock and then went back to Sunnyside Park. I was glad I did because I met the cutest UCLA Bruin California stud who wanted to watch me have sex with this other guy. So, I had them both come into the van and it was so nice. Real nice. Anyway, back home, Mike Pipkin and I went to Affirmation and they had a straight woman there talking about recycling our trash. I thought, aren’t there any Gay environmentalist? Affirmation has scheduled only one “fireside talk” with a Gay person speaking about Gay identity and that was someone from the Stonewall Town Meeting. Anyway, Mike Howard came to the meeting of Affirmation and I hadn’t seen him in ages. He has long flowing hair, a beard and wore John Lennon shades. He’s still really handsome but now in kind of a hippie way. He was a blast from my past. I sat next to him and we held hands like in the old days. Then Tony Feliz of all people was at Affirmation too! Circles! I didn’t bother talking with the defrocked prophet of the Restoration Church. Anyway, after the ecology presentation, I got up and gave them the scoop on the “You Don’t Have to Be Gay” conference coming in May. Mike Pipkin said they were putting poster flyers up in the Magazine Shop on Main Street I suggested we take them down whenever we see them but Duane Dawson, the new Affirmation leader, was being real prissy, saying we ought not to, or they’d have the right to take ours down. I said well they do anyway and if I saw a swastika poster I’d tear it down too. After the meeting, I went up to Duane and let him know how disappointed I was with Affirmation for not refuting Dr. Black’s bias against homosexual. I also asked why aren’t Gays talking to Gays anymore at Affirmation about Gay issues instead of having all these straight speakers? He said they had a new focus. I suggested that Affirmation start affirming Gayness like we once did or perhaps take an inventory of the leaders own concepts of what it means to be Gay. It’s like Affirmation is more about remaining Mormon than affirming a positive Gay identity. I said leadership demands integrity as a Gay person and the focus should be on building a healthy self-image and not seeking straight approval. Anyway, Duane was so mad at me that Mike Pipkin over heard him say to someone about me, “I’d like to slit his throat.” Good! I’m glad I got him riled up. Russ Lane and I didn’t start the Wasatch Affirmation four years ago to have it ran like a church Priesthood Meeting. Several people after the meeting came up to me and wanted to know more about this Jeff Konrad character and his bullshit. Gays are intrinsically interested in our issues not what straight think we should be. I don’t care if Duane Dawson and Keith McBride hates my guts as long as they are held accountable for their reactionary homophobic views as assimilationists.
9 April 1990 Monday
I didn’t want to go to school today. I’m m sure I’ve caught a virus but the day did go by fast with early out for the kids. I made arrangements for a substitute on Wednesday for the court date for the trial. I also had my last evaluation for the year with Wayne Stanger for the D.E.E.P., which is the district’s program to evaluate teachers. When I came home, I was so tired that I just fell asleep on the couch. When Mike Pipkin came in, he roused me to go to Debbie Rosenberg’s Seder Dinner party at 7 for Passover. It lasted until 11:30 and I was exhausted and glad it was over. I had never been to a Passover Dinner before and it was really, really interesting but also I could see why Jews are paranoid and never forget anything from the past. I can see how that can be a good thing but also can see also “holding on to old resentments” too which isn’t good at all. Becky Moss and her girlfriend Catherine Clark were at the dinner that was also held at Carla Gourdin’s homey house. Carla is a wonderful artist although paralyze from the waist down and is confined to a wheel chair. Catherine can read and speak Hebrew which was fascinating. I hardly know a Gay man who owns a house but I only know a few Lesbians who don’t. The differences in our species, I suppose. Men really aren’t home builders and women are nesters. Any way I shared with Becky the flyer of “You Don’t Have to Be Gay” and she was as incensed as I was. Anyway, it was a long evening but kind of fun, kind of different being with mostly Lesbians, and kind of draining. I guess Debbie and a girlfriend of hers will be going to Moab with Mike Pipkin and me this weekend. It should be a lot of fun.
10 April 1990 Tuesday
It’s my 39th birthday; my natal day. I was born on a Tuesday also. There was a full moon tonight. I called Rick Bergan yesterday after work, the man who subpoenaed me last Friday and he said they’d need me Thursday instead of Wednesday so at work I had our school secretary Thera Carlson change by sub date for Thursday. That will be nice because I’ll just start my Easter vacation early. The kids were rowdy today and I had to stop and threaten them with homework several times. We made construction paper Easter bunnies in art which the kids loved. This holiday is coming up on me fast. I almost forgot to do something for Easter with the kids. The kids learned that it was my birthday and I had some balloons and a coffee mug from a room mother saying A+ Teacher. After work I treated myself to a Boston Cream Strawberry cake. I wished I hadn’t because when Mike Pipkin and I went to the men’s sauna, I weighed in at 205 pounds since Sunday! How could I gained 8 pounds in 3 days? And some people don’t gain 8 pounds in a whole year. People whose genetic makeup doesn’t include fat cells make me sick. In the Gay man’s world, you can be just about anything but fat. That’s the ultimate mortal sin. So here I am pushing 40 years old and still have not come to terms with my body. We still are at war. Although I am learning to be grateful that I am healthy enough to keep gaining weight instead of having a wasting syndrome that people with AIDS have. Well, what do I want out of my 39th year? A place in the sun? Albuquerque? Solitude and serenity? Craziness? Going back to college? Find a lover? Sex Partners? Gay Activism? All of the above? I don’t know.
11 April 1990 Wednesday
I am so glad for the time off for Easter Break because today is my last day until next Tuesday. Three of my students were chosen to go to the Deseret Book Read-a-thon. No one was chosen from Mr. Unger’s class and only one from Elaine Day’s. That pleased me to no end. Dan Unger may be the hot shot in sports but academically my kids creamed his. Talk about me being a competitive hypocrite. Oh well. After coming home from work, I watched a little television. Ryan White, the teenage AIDS activist died last Monday. That was so sad. But it’s sad when anyone dies before their time. About 6:30 I decided to get some exercise by walking through Memory Grove from the apartment. There I connected up with this sweet Dutch boy named Timothy Van Werd, who is 22 years old, young, fresh, and sweet. He has blond hair in a flip wave which curved off his forehead. He had blue eyes with flecks that sparkled green and hazel. His smile was sincere, coy, yet exciting. He was wearing blue cotton gym trunks, a turquoise cotton tee shirt beneath a beige outdoors shirt, opened in the front safari style. He was perched on this stone within the trails leading away from the park, while we talked about plants, life in general, and New Age philosophy. At one point I took his hand and massaged his palm and fingers, letting my energy flow into him. Connecting, we went for a walk further up the hill, secluded by some scrub oak, which was not yet budding out. With blue birds and sparrows serenading us, I took his willing cock into my mouth and sweetly yet hungrily made love. Timothy Tim. I will remember you from this sweet spring time love with the cool earth beneath me and the musky masculine scent of your young body about me. We were old souls, connecting briefly. We shared and we experienced a sacred, primal, eternal ritual of male love. In what Gaelic bog did we once lie down together? Under what olive tree in the land of Helen, did we once eat grapes, my head resting upon your chest? Were we two lads in the Rhineland, sharing the same thatched cottage, sharing the same straw bedding? So again, we meet, Timothy Tim in Memory Grove.
12 April 1990 Thursday
I’m sitting at an oak table in the Salt Lake Roasting Company, drinking Zimbabwe Roast, the coffee of the day, waiting for noon to arrive. Then I will meet with the prosecuting attorney who is handling Darrell Weber’s case. Dean Shute came back to town from Ventura, California, where he had moved while Marty Withers was released out on bail. Last November, Dean was struck in the face with a baseball bat after he testified against Withers in a preliminary hearing. His house was also broken into and everything fucked up. He’s convinced it was this Withers character who did it while out on bail. Yesterday Bobbie Smith and Willie Marshall came over to see me, bringing with them color photos of Withers that they had been showing around the bars. He’s dark looking to me, very convict like, with a black Widow Spider tattoo on his neck and two tear drops tattooed on his check. Willie says it’s some kind of prison symbol. Well, it’s 11:50 so I best be getting to the court room. At 2 o’clock, I finished testifying for the prosecution and for Darrell. Other witnesses were Bobbie Smith, Willie Marshall, Richard Egan, and Dean Shute. The defense attorney asked me on the stand if my feelings about Darrell’s nature would be changed if I knew that he swore that he had tried to run a man down in his car. I said I was aware of the incident but also knew that Darrell had just been attacked again and money stolen and was just acting out his anger and frustration about being a victim. I basically said I knew Darrell to be a passive, sweet man, who would not attack anyone unless provoked. I was dismissed and was sent out of the courtroom to wait in the hall when Willie Marshall came out fuming too. I know the defense attorney’s is just doing his job but it still makes one upset to have your meaning twisted around. Even Marty Withers in his suit and tie exuded evil to me. I talked to Darrell’s ex-wife Peggy Webber when we were excused for the day and I let her know that Darrell was thought of highly in the Gay Community. She said she loved Darrell and would always love Darrell. After I was dismissed I drove out to th sulfur springs in the evening to relax and stop thinking about Darrell’s murder case. Anyway, at the Springs it was just a quiet restful evening and I am so glad I don’t have to go into work tomorrow.
Addendum
· Marty R Withes at the age of 24 was paroled March 8 1987 after serving 3 months of a 0-to 5 years sentence for burglary
· “Murder Charge Filed In Stabbing Death of Alleged Assailant 14 April 1989 Salt Lake Tribune- A second degree murder charge was filed against a 27 year old man jailed in the stabbing death of a man he claims forced himself to commit homosexual acts at knife point. Marty Ray Withers 1005 West 600 South is charged with the murder of Darrell N Webber 39, who bled to death from a knife wound to his leg in a parking lot at 4060 South State last Friday. The complaint filed in 3rd Circuit Court, says a witness told police that Mr. Withers came to her apartment and told her how he had killed the victim. Mr. Withers claimed Mr. Webber had picked him up hitchhiking and forced hm at knifepoint to engage in a homosexual act. The defendant claimed he wrestled the knife away and stabbed the victim twice according to detectives.”
13 April 1990 Friday
It sounds so cliche to say that Marty Withers got away with murder but he did. The jury found him not guilty as they said he acted in self-defense. Unbelievable. Darrell had no weapon on him. He could not have over powered the ex-convict and yet Marty stabbed him to death and yet he was found not guilty because of self-defense. His lawyer argued that Utah’s law states that if a person is passed out and is having a felonious assault committed on their person, that person has the right to use deadly force to repel the attacker. Withers claimed that he was drunk when picked up by Darrell while hitchhiking on State Street and he passed out in the car. He said the next thing he knew was that Darrell had his pants down around his ankles and was unbuckling Wither’s pants. Withers said he struggled and Darrell attacked him so he pulled out a 5 inch hunting knife and sliced an artery in Darrells leg and then plunged the knife into his heart. Self-defense. Darrell was a pudgy, 39 year old interior decorator, who Withers could have simply resisted with a punch. However, the real incompetence on the part of the prosecuting Attorney, Robert Shepherd, in my opinion, was that he did not call one witness whom Willie Marshall and Bobbie Smith had found who said they had seen Withers at our bars and were willing to testify to it. Withers was easily recognized from photos as he had a black spider tattooed on his neck and two tear drops tattooed on his check beneath his eye. He was easily remembered and yet Wither’s lawyer claimed that Withers was totally straight and he was being attacked by a Gay man and claimed that if Withers had any Gay tendencies the prosecutor would have brough the matter up. Darrell was cheated out of justice on this one. Mike Pipkin paid me $55 today for rent. It’s a good thing as I only have $2 in the bank and I haven’t paid the phone bill yet. Oh well. Mike and I went to see a most bizarre and unusual movie today called The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and her Lover” at Cinema In Your Face on Broadway. Debbie Rosenberg and her friend went with us. It was one of the hardest movies I had ever watched in years, although the Peter Greenaway film was totally elegant and metaphysical. Helen Mirren played the wife. After wards we connected up with John Schellinger who was also at the movie and we went to the Red Iguana on North temple where they have vegetarian Mexican food I could have. It was yummy and it was a pleasant way to end a truly trying day.
Addendum
Wants More Facts 18 My 1990 Salt Lake Tribune. I was very concerned regarding the Tribune April 14 report of the jury’s finding Marty Ray Withers innocent in the recent death of a gay man, Darrell N. Webber. The information in the Tribune was relatively incomplete and somewhat conflicting. This is a concern because the incident has implications regarding discrimination and bigotry. It is important that the Tribune provide as much exacting information about this case as possible. An essential example was whether Mr. Withers “blacked out” or was actually unconscious. A blackout is a period of memory lost in which a which the person is fully conscious but cannot recall a period of time during alcohol intoxication. Many of us have experienced this. It is the “morning after” when others tell us of embarrassing behavior we do not remember. If this is, in fact, what Mr. Withers experienced, it would be misleading to state he “awakened”. Though his judgment may have been impaired, he would have been conscious and according to law, responsible for his actions. Of course, if he was unconscious, this would not be the case. The Tribune’s effort to reveal the truth and prevent bigotry during the recent Anne Frank exhibit was appropriate and laudable. In this case, however, it is even more important that the Tribune take its responsibility to provide precise and clear information to the community. It is a contemporary case, one that has life and death consequences. In addition, it is a case that has the potential to reinforce either societal bigotry or social justice. On one hand, because of the term “black out”, I am inclined to be suspect that this was an example of discrimination; on the other hand, the information is just too sketchy for me to make an informed judgment. This is one of the true tests of good journalism; the willingness to take risks-risks that were not apparent in the Anne Frank Case. Roger Buck.
14 April 1990 Saturday
I tossed and turned all night long, sick to death to my stomach. Finally, about 4:30 in the morning, I was so violently ill that I threw up. I never vomit and for me to do so means I was really sick. I don’t know if it was from the evil of the Wither’s trial verdict, the gross parts of the film I saw, or from something I ate at Red Iguana. Finally, around 5 o’clock I was able to go back to bed and get some rest. I still felt nauseous and queasy, however. Yesterday, Mike Pipkin said he got a job with Beau Chaine’s Aardvark Catering to work the Media Awards tonight so we won’t be going to Moab after all. It’s just as well since I was so sick. Billy Bikowski was on my mind and has been for some time so I called to find out how he was. Frank Fatah said he had moved out about two weeks ago and no one knew where he was. They thought he might have been with me. I was so worried that I drove down to the men’s homeless shelter to look for him there but no one knew anything of his where abouts. I was pretty bummed out. It really hurts to think of him out on the streets. I don’t know why I love him still but I do. I called Mom today because I didn’t think I’d be able to get through to California tomorrow it being Easter. I found out that my niece Denise Wachs went and got married back in Maryland to that Aaron Ferguson kid on March 31st. Funny that Denise was born on Grandpa Williams’ birthday and was married of Grandma Williams’ birthday. My brother in law Ken Jones has signed a contract to write some comic book stories. I think Mom said for Walt Disney comics. Anyhow they will be spending Easter with my Uncle and Aunt, Milton and Marie Williams. Milton has been diagnosed with cancer of the colon and liver now. Grandma Johnson has dropped to like only 90 pounds mom said. After hanging up, I called Fran also. She said she’s kind of back with Vince but it probably won’t work out and won’t be long until that relationship is history. She won’t be able to take care of my cat when I leave Utah though, because her housing unit is doing inspections now for pets that aren’t allowed. In the evening, Mike was out doing his catering job and while I was watching the Golden Girls, Billy Bikowski called me! I want to cry with happy tears but I didn’t. He said he was living at some rent by the week place by Trolley Square with a bunch of other guys. Now that I know that he’s not out on the streets, I can have some peace of mind again. At the men’s shelter today I saw the name “Larry Johnson” and I wondered if that was actually Terry Johnson. Since I was feeling better after hearing from Billy, I drove out to the Sulfur springs to soak and relax. A street musician named Moby was there strumming his guitar and singing. It was a restful and magical way to end out a day that started out so poorly.
15 April 1990 Sunday
Today is Easter Sunday and I was out all this morning soaking in the pools at the Warm Springs and later out cruising downtown. I just didn’t feel like being home. After connecting with someone at 5:30, I finally decided to go home to bed before the sun came up. On the way home I saw Bobbie Smith walking to work so I stopped and gave him a ride to Hill Haven. We visited about yesterday’s article in the Tribune paper about the trial. Anyway, I went home and slept until 1 in the afternoon then decided to go out to Bare Ass Beach. It was the first time I went alone. I met these two guys, Ron and Jack, who came into the Vanna Lesbiana and they took turns fucking me. It was great. We then visited afterwards about being Gay men and it was such a neat experience. It was so beautiful and warm outside that it just felt great being outdoors. I also met this other really cute guy named Robert who wanted to go out with me next weekend. I came back to the apartment at 6 o’clock because I was supposed to go do a radio program with Beckie Moss, but she canceled at the las minute. So, Mike Pipkin and I went up to Sunnyside Park to wait for Affirmation to get out because we really didn’t want to attend and hear Ed Firmage speak. Not that I have anything against him per se I just didn’t want to support Duane Dawson’s obsession with straights. After the meeting, Mike and I went into the Unitarian church to see some of our friends and I saw Dave Malmstrom there and we visited about the “You Don’t Have to Be Gay” conference that is coming. I am surprised that Affirmation these days isn’t sponsoring it. Dave’s sister Lynnette Malmstrom’s lover, LaDonna Moore, has been active in fighting this homophobic outfit. However, the state social workers’ accreditation board was split, 50 50, on whether to approve certification credit for those attending the conference. I loaned Dave my Joseph Campbell book The Power of Myth. Dave is wanting to get actively involved in the community again but not sure in what role. I really love Dave Malmstrom. He’s a good man and Chuck Thomas has really grown in these past few years from being a Mormon apologist. He’s not the same man who would today tell someone not to say fuck at Affirmation as he did me once ha! Today is John Butler’s birthday. How old is he now? 43? Anyway, I drove over to Willie Marshall’s place with Mike at 9 o’clock and we stayed for an hour, He’s going to take care of my cat for me this summer while I am gone in New Mexico. I want to start a monastery for Gay people, a retreat hotel or hostel to deal with Gay spirituality. I was home and in bed by 10.
16 April 1990 Monday
I called the Troll Book Club today to find out why my class book order hasn’t come and was finally able to get it straightened out. I also talked to a lobbyist for the Gay and Lesbian Task Force about having post cards delivered to the Stonewall Town Meeting regarding the Civil Rights Bill for Gays. Other than that, I mostly stayed home and cleaned the apartment after a wild Easter vacation. I still have no appetite from the virus that I must have caught as I have had some diarrhea with it. I cleaned my room really well, ironed a bunch of shirts for work, and finally cleaned the kitchen that had gotten a little scuzzy. Anyway at 3 o’clock Billy Bikowski called me, saying he needed my help moving his stuff from Frank Fatah’s place to his new digs. I said I would tomorrow when I get home from work. It makes me happy that Billy needs me but I also know that after I help him he will go his own way as usual. But I don’t care. I am happy just to spend some time with him again even if briefly. I love him like no man I have had since John Cunningham so many years ago. Mike Pipkin and I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union this evening and Brenda Voisard and Rhonda Neilson were speaking regarding the National Organization For Women’s Lesbian Task Force. I asked Brenda if she would do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall this year because Ben Barr had asked me to round up presenters this year as he is swamped with the AIDS Foundation. I’m going to meet with him this Wednesday at 6:30. I’ll bring a list of facilitators from last year and from 1988. Anyway, LGSU was a good meeting although we got into a heated discussion about Lesbian “separatism”, ironically not between the women and men but just among the men or should I say just George Marshall and Dale Sorenson. They both attacked me verbally for being an anti-Separatist, the young pups snippy at my heels. They have no vision and were using personality to attack me but I didn’t care. My deeds within the community stand as a character witness for me as much as any words I could say. In fact, Rhonda, who is a Lesbian Separatist sometimes, stood up for me, saying separatism can do more harm sometimes because she said she would never have listened to my views without having known me first. She said she would have lost out knowing me as a friend. That was very touching. I would never invade anyone’s space who has voluntarily withdrawn to heal, nurture, and learn. I am all for needing Gay and Lesbian spaces where we can be free to be unfiltered. But I said Gay and Lesbians need each other so much in this community politically as well as socially. Jeff Wood was at LGSU. I hadn’t seen him since he chewed my ass a couple of weeks ago and not in the good way. Still mad I suppose about my views of him marrying a woman to have kids. Mike Pipkin saw him in the men’s room cruising earlier and they came back to LGSU together after having sex with this blond hunk. I don’t think I ever want heterosexuals to read this journal. It would truly be casting pearls before swine. Gay folks are a separate people and just as men and women perceive reality slightly differently from each other because of biology and hormones as well as cultural expectations, so there is a distinct difference between Gays and non-Gays. I thought it was funny at LGSU that Brenda quoted Rocky O’Donovan from something I taught him and have been saying for years; that the patriarchy perceives Gay men as women and thus we are not allowed to partake of male privilege. Therefore, Gay men have just as much at stake in the feminist movement as probably straight women. Lesbians have even more at stake as that straight men are threatened by them because they aren’t needed by them.
17 April 1990 Tuesday
I had very little sleep last night. I’m not sure why. I just kept waking up. I did have this real sexy dream of making out with some guy. At school I was so very tired with having hay fever also. It rained some today perhaps that did something to activate my allergies. Mike Pipkin didn’t go work today. He was sick with diarrhea like I had yesterday. Anyhow, at home Billy called me at 5 for me to come help him using my van . He is so beautiful to me, and I love him so much. I just want to hold on to him, caress him, and die in his arms but I can’t, so I simply helped him move his things to a storage unit on 3900 South. I just miss him. I gave him a ring I had brought back from Boston last year, placing it on his finger. He asked me why I gave him a ring and I said for you to think of me once in a while and how our lives are entwined as in a circle. Billy said he’ like to think of our lives more as a spiral so we aren’t always in the same spot. Yes a sacred spiral as from our origins in the Milky Way down to our DNA. Billy has grown a mustache. I like it. After getting one load moved, we decided to take the rest tomorrow. Billy wanted to go out for dinner after 9 but I said perhaps tomorrow. There was once a time I would have immediately jumped at any opportunity to be with Billy. But I know too that today was an illusion.
18 April 1990 Wednesday
I went with the 5th Grade on a field trip to the Utah Symphony to the Hanson Planetarium. That took most of our day. I have been so wiped out from hay fever. We’ve been having some afternoon showers and I think that’s been stirring up the pollen. Anyway, after school, I came home and rested before going to the Utah AIDS Foundation on 900 East to meet with Ben Barr to discuss Beyond Stonewall. Nothing is being done he said at the meetings so I’ve decided to help Ben get the workshops set up and help where I can before I leave Utah. Really, Ben and I are about the only two people who can make things happen and not just blow smoke. Anyway, I finally reconnected with Billy Bikowski at 8 and we went up to Frank Fatah’s place to retrieve the rest of Billy’s possessions. It’s all piled in my van right now because the storage unit was closed when we finally arrived there. At 9:30 Billy and I came back to my place where I fixed Billy some soup. He was hungry as he hadn’t eaten all day. I just held him and patted his arm as he ate and I thought about what I had said to Frank Fatah of taking it one day at a time. After taking Billy to his new home on 600 East, I asked him if he ever misses me. It was more of a rhetorical question I suppose than anything else. What is it about Billy that make me lose all rationality and sensibility? I am at such a loss of words to describe it unless it’s simply mania. He makes me smile when I hold him as I feel so much strength in him. I wonder why? I want him to want me as the song goes. After four years, can’t he understand that through it all, I still love him and will always love him?
19 April 1990 Thursday
This week is going by pretty fast. I had hay fever for most of the time but I do believe it’s getting better. After school, Billy Bikowski called at 4:30 and we drove out to the Storage Unit at Sweet Haven or is it Safe Haven and finished putting the rest of his things away. We then went to a car vacuuming place where Billy cleaned out the back of the van. It’s been three bitter sweet days being with Billy. He allowed me to hold him, hold his hand, and become involved in his life again but I know it’s only temporary and only for as long as he needs the use of my van. I don’t expect to hear from him again until he needs something from me. He said he’s going to be working part time at Red Lion hotel doing set up work while he is trying to get his cabinet business off the ground. I’ve been depressed over knowing I’m not going to see Billy again anytime soon and when I came home I was angry as Mike Pipkin said someone tried to castrate Billy Cat and he was all bloody and when Mike tried to clean him up, Billy ran off. Who would hurt such a sweet loving cat? I’ve tried not to think about it until I know where he is and can see how he is. I have too much to worry about right now as I’m on emotional overload.
20 April 1990 Friday
Billy Cat has not come home and I’m so scared that he might have died. I’m trying not to think about it because when I do I start to weep. I don’t have the money to try and take him to the vet even if he does come home. I went up to the sauna after work to try to rest and sweat out toxins. I was home by 8 o’clock and called around, asking for facilitators for Beyond Stonewall. Luci Malin said she would do a workshop on the Goddess. Brenda Voisard will do one on Lesbian couples and planning a domestic union. I need to contact a lot more women like Dr. Patty Reagan, Andrea Dahl, Rhonda Nielsen, Becky Moss, Catherine Patterson, Kathryn Warner, and Colleen Sanders. Anyway, I went to bed fairly early for me at 9 o’clock. I am a tired boy, emotionally.
21 April 1990 Saturday
Mike left to go home to Moab for the weekend catching a ride with his brother Robert. He will be gone all weekend, so I drove out to Bare Ass Beach. There I met this older man, probably in his 60’s who I decided to let him fuck me to build up my karma. At first I thought it would be a pity fuck but he turned out to be a great fuck. It was powerful and special to make love to someone older and it was Gay magic. Maybe when I am old someone will take pity on me and it will be magical also. In the evening two guys called me on the trick line who wanted to come over to have sex. This one guy named Dave, from Daviss County, was really nice and I gave him a massage after we were through having sex. I wonder why I am so sexually active right now. Am I seeking validation because of Billy or am I grounding myself from being too ethereal by having physical sex? Later after midnight I met up with another guy name Paul who I think just wanted to be with a Gay guy but was too nervous to get hard so I just let him talk and let it got at that.
22 April 1990 Sunday
It’s Earth Day and it rained off and on intermittently all day. My van leaks through the sun roof so I hate it when it rains. I need to get a tarp or plastic to put over the top when it rains. Anyway, Billy Cat finally came back home last night; looking more chewed up then cut up. I think he got into a bad fight with a dog or maybe a coyote. His balls look half chewed and when he’s healed more, I will take him to the vet to get him neutered. I’m keeping him inside to let him sleep and heal. He doesn’t seem to be in any great pain from it. It just looks awful. I went to the sulfur springs today to soak in Mother Earth’s waters before going out to Bare Ass Beach. There was hardly a soul there, probably due to the inclement weather. I did meet a guy named Larry who had sex with me in my van. It was nice. I’ve been with four men this weekend. What is going on with me? I went back to Affirmation tonight to do a spiel on Gay politics as a representative of the Stonewall Town Meeting. Debbie Rosenberg, Willie Marshall, and I all spoke . We showed a video tape on the March on Washington also. Affirmation is so boring these days. There’s no sociability any more no joking, and comradery. It’s like the people there think they are at a church meeting. Mike Pipkin returned from Moab and had this kid named Tracy over to fuck. Tracy is a bottom also, I am told.
23 April 1990 Monday
It rained intermittently today but only after the kids went home for early out, so I didn’t have to keep them in during recesses. There’s only about five more weeks of school left and now its countdown time. The kids are getting so hyper again, more than usual. When I came home from work I fixed some dinner and saw that I had a message on my machine that Billy Bikowski had called. Mike Pipkin, after he came home from work, said Billy didn’t leave a message to call him back. Mike had a date over, this guy named Tracy. Willie Marshall came over at 7 o’clock so we went and picked up Debbie Rosenberg to head up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union to give a presentation on the Stonewall Town Meeting. Debbie introduced herself and gave a little talk on what the town meeting purposes to accomplish. I talked about the importance of building community and a Gay identity. Willie spoke on how to attend Utah’s mass meetings and the political process about becoming a delegate. David Nelson was at the meeting but was feeling under the weather. However, he ended the meeting with some more information about becoming involved in the political process. It was a good meeting. Willie even got LGSU to cancel next week’s meeting so people could attend their respective Mass Meetings on Monday. Albert Walles was at LGSU. He told me that he begins his prison sentence tomorrow. He’s the former Utah Prison guard who was convicted of having sex with a prisoner. I felt sorry for him for not having dealt with his sexuality long before now, and it has cost him everything. It’s a struggle, a constant struggle to find your way along this Gay path but the struggle brings joy, satisfaction, strength, conviction, purpose and meaning. It is a struggle as is all of life but a joyful struggle nonetheless even in sorrow. At home after LGSU, I called Billy back. I think he just wanted to make contact with someone who loves him and cares about him so as to give him some continuity in his topsy turvy world right now. He had another verbal fight and confrontation with Rem, Sunday at Affirmation he said and had left early. That’s why I didn’t see him there. He said he attended church service at the Unitarians yesterday instead. I don’t think he was overly thrilled with it. I want to sleep with Billy again but until I can, I will sleep with others. I have a date tomorrow with a guy named Steve from Holladay and on Wednesday I’m going to meet a kid named Paul, a student from Ogden that I met at Bare Ass Beach. He’s going to Weber State College and is working towards a teacher’s credential. He sounds like a nice guy; 27 years old, 6 foot 1 inch tall, red haired and not from Utah and is comfortable with being Gay. Well, we’ll see. Billy all I want is you. All I ever wanted was you. God grant me the serenity to accept that I will never have you.
24 April 1990 Tuesday
After work, I came home and straightened up the place a little before Steve was to come over but he never showed. No big deal as I was just as glad because I was too tired to entertain. Chuck Whyte called at 5 and needed to go to the downtown post off and so did I. We went and in my PO box was a paperback book from my book club. It was Annie Dillard’s short stories, more like a trilogy I suppose. Terry Johnson had a lot of mail in the PO. Box so later at home, I called Dorinda to ask if she knew his where abouts so I could forward them to him. She said he just got out of the hospital for another operation on the carpal tunnel syndrome on his other hand and that when she sees Terry she would tell him. I should just throw it all away. While out we went over to Bobbie Smith who lives on Del Mar Court by the Greek Cathedral. I asked him to facilitate at Beyond Stonewall again on Gay literature. He said sure. Now I will see if Mike Pipkin will do one on Metaphysics and the New Age and ask Rev. Bruce Barton to do a workshop on the role of Gays and Lesbians in traditional Judaic-Christian ideology. I picked up a Private Eye Weekly while out which had a good feature article on Gay bashing. It’s the article that Dannie Traynor was doing. Anyway, in the evening, Mike Pipkin wanted to go up to the sauna so we went up to the HYPER building and stayed until 9 o’clock. He wanted to cruise some more and stayed later while I felt like I needed to go see Billy Bikowski so I left to drop in on him. He was making a pizza. I think he was happy to see me. I was happy being with him.
25 April 1990 Wednesday
Well, this month is nearly over. It was really chilly this morning but later it warmed up a little in the afternoon. Paul from Ogden came down at 4:30. He’s cutie and seems really nice but he had to catch the Route 70 Bus back up to Ogden at 5:05 so we really didn’t do anything more than visit. I don’t know if anything will develop between us. Maybe he’ll call again or maybe not. Who knows? Who cares? At 6:30 I went over to the Utah AIDS Foundation‘s offices to see Ben Barr about the workshops for Beyond Stonewall. I stayed visiting until 8. It’s all coming together. Next Wednesday we will meet at my place at 6 and order pizza. Ben told me a little gossip that Robert Austin and David Nelson are feuding over turf. Robert thinks David is usurping his prerogatives as chair of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council. Anyway, I was home by 8:30, ate some ice cream, and then went to bed at 9. Mike went out to Radio City for their Wednesday Night Beer Bust. Horny I guess. At 9:30 Brenda Voisard called me to talk about Beyond Stonewall saying she had more names for workshop presenters lined up if we need them. I also mailed Fran $10 this week. I hope she can use it.
26 April 1990 Thursday
Another guy also named Paul called me on the date line. He’s 28 and works on computers. He sounded like a fun guy and said he wants to go out with me this Monday. Who knows what will happen? Mike Pipkin stayed out at the Hot springs until 3 in the morning so he was really tired today but we decided to go to Cinema In Your Face to see Men In Love. It was definitely a B grade movie with some nice skin shots but the most fun was seeing so many “family” members there. We first stopped at the In-Between where Brandon Burt was bartending now. I saw Donny Estepp there who said his lover and business partner Bobby Dupray was really now near death. He’s bed ridden and in the last stages of AIDS. Anyway, Brandon went with us to the show and we also saw Steve Oldroyd, John Merrill, and others there. The movie was out by 9:30 and after taking Brandon back to his car it was nearly 10 o’clock by the time I was home. I think I convinced Brandon to help Satu Servigna with the Tryangle Magazine that hasn’t come out for a couple of months. Since Becky Moorman quit I suppose Satu is strapped for help, especially an editor. At the movies Steve Oldroyd reminded me that I’m to talk at Transitional Genesis this coming Saturday. Brandon invited Mike and me to Floyd Gambles party this Saturday also. My check statements came in the mail today and I finally figured out why I was short this month. Bobbie Smith cashed the check I gave him last January this month.
27 April 1990 Friday
It was really cold and blustery. It felt more like March than the end of April. When I came home from Orchard, I felt worn down and didn’t have any energy. Mike Pipkin was not feeling well at all and went right to bed. I went up to the U of U’s sauna but only stayed a short while as I was too tired to cruise or anything. I just went back home. Mike was feverish with some type of virus so I fixed him some hot tea and set a water jug by his bed and then went to bed myself. The apartment is really a wreck, especially the kitchen but who cares?
28 April 1990 Saturday
I woke up at 7 and got up to start picking up the apartment and cleaning. It had rained during the night and outside felt cool and damp like shitty Portland, Oregon weather. At 9:30 this morning Billy Bikowski asked me if I wanted to go with him looking for seat belts for my van as when it was built they weren’t required and to help him take some stuff to his storage unit. Did he think I would not want to spend time with him? It was a gloomy, gray, misty rainy day but being with Billy gave it all sort of an enchanted aura. Billy treated me to lunch at the Sizzlers on 1300 East by Sugar House Park and while we ate we visited for about an hour. However, I needed to be at Transitional Genisis at 2 o’clock to speak and Billy needed to go home to work on a bid proposal to carve some wood. We never made it out to a junk yard to look for seat belts but that wasn’t important to me just being with Billy was. At Transitional Genisis, only four people attended, David Kessler, Steve Oldroyd, a kid named Ed, and a Lesbian named Charlotte. I spoke regarding Gay history and my own spiritual journey which led me to being a Gay community builder in the late 1980’s. After the meeting was over I left came home where Liza Smart and Bobbie Smith came over for a brief Stonewall Town Meeting. I told Liza how I have been seeing Billy again and she felt so sorry for me as she understands what unrequited love means to the heart. She suggested that I leave for Albuquerque as soon as possible. After they left I went up to the Sauna to soak and sweat and there I met this incredible man. I gave him a blow job he won’t soon forget. The sauna closed at 6 so I went home and ordered an Ambassador pizza for takeout. Mike Pipkin was feeling better and he went out on another date with Tracy to Detours. I stayed home ate my pizza and watched the Saturday night situation comedy line up on TV. I finally went to bed at 10:30 and while lying in bed I was swept up with such a morose lonely feeling from a longing for Billy. I began to sob and cried myself to sleep. I just miss him so much. I miss his presence, his smile, his laughter. It doesn’t make any sense for us to live apart. If he will live with Rem, why won’t he with me?
29 April 1990 Sunday
It was another cold blustery day and it even snowed some yesterday and today. Four years ago, when I helped Russ Lane move into the Juel Apartment at the end of April, it rained and snowed then also. There was a small plane crash in Colorado carrying only six people to a singing convention. They were members of the Sweet Adeline group. One of the people who died was named Kelly Carlson of Centerville, Utah. I’m not certain because there was no information on her but I wonder if she was the same person who worked as a secretary for Gary Ratliff at the U of U’s Special Event Center when I worked there ten years ago. She was 20 years old back then and a college student when I knew her and Gary couldn’t make up his mind who he wanted more, me or Kelly. When he slept with Kelly I was so insanely jealous. This morning I drove to Sunnyside Park and sat in the van and read the Sunday Paper as well as picked up two hunky guys and gave them some pleasure they won’t soon forget. It was kind of a dismal Sunday, too cold to do much else really. I did go at 6 to do a radio program at KRCL with Becky Moss. The topic was Violence against Gays and finally I was able to talk about Darrell Weber’s murder trial. In the late afternoon, I drove to Liberty Park and picked up this young college student stud who fucked my brains out in the back of the van. It was a nice way to end the day.
30 April 1990 Monday
Another cold and blustery day and I sure wish it would warm up again but at least I don’t have to stand out in it anymore waiting for a bus. The kids were on one again today or is it just me? Nah. Well maybe a little. It’s been a tough year with 35 students, with about a fifth of them having severe attention deficit. Utah burns out it’s teachers and tosses them away, knowing there are plenty of Mormon girls who will teach for a year or two before they quit to get married. When I came home, Paul from Ogden called and said he’d not be able to make it tonight, which was thoughtful rather than just being stood up. I said call me again this Wednesday if he can make it then. I didn’t want to just stay home tonight so I went to the movies with Mike Pipkin and we saw “Mountains of the Moon” a film about Sir Richard Burton and John Hanning Speke, the discoverers of the source of the Nile River. Speke was a Gay man who actually discovered Lake Victoria in Africa. I thought it was an excellent film that treated Speke’s homosexuality fairly although there was more of Burton’s proclivity towards heterosexuality then was necessary. Well today is the end of April and it’s been a strange and trying month. I reread my April entries from my 1987 journal and they were almost identical regarding my relationship with Billy Bikowski. Circles. Nothing will change between us. I love him and will always be there when he needs me but he will never love me as I love him. He resents me for his needing me and will always push me away after his needs are taken care of. The only solution for me is to remove myself out of the circle. Debbie Rosenberg went to her Mass Meeting caucus tonight and was elected an openly Lesbian delegate. Great! She said she knows of others from the community who are being elected also. So maybe the Stonewall Town Meeting is doing something right. Chuck Whyte called the other day after attending the Royal Court’s “Golden Spike Awards. The Humanitarian Award was given to a Stacy Radley whom I never heard of but Chuck seemed to be impressed.
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