Spring 2nd Quarter Journal 1991 April- June

 

MAY

1 May 1991 Wednesday

I got paid today. I have $1,151 and 83 cents to live on until my next paycheck in June. I had $75 put into my savings but still it seems like a lot of taxes are taken out, nearly a third of my $1,601 and 96 cent gross. I paid $176 in federal taxes, $74 in state taxes, $125 for social Security, $35 in Union dues, $5 to United Way, $10 for FHP health insurance, and $75 going to my savings. The weather has been great today and the fifth grade took the kids outside to play softball, the bane of every Gay child’s existence unless you are a dyke of a Gock (Gay jock). I just made this word up. Anyway after work I came home and started thinking about finding a new place to live. I drove around looking at locations that had for rent signs and I called two of them. One is on 4^th South and 9^th East and one’s on 9^th East and 1^st South. I have mixed feelings about moving again-But either I’ve got stop bellyaching about what I pay here at the Buckingham and shut up, or move. In the evening, to get out of the house, at seven I went to the library and read Robert Hopcke's “Men’s Dreams and Men’s Healing”. Really insightful about dream work. While reading in the alcove by the elevator on the 3^rd floor, I was also cruised by a guy going into the 3^rd floor men’s room and I followed him and sucked him off in there. That was therapeutic. I’ve been so horny since our Beltane Celebration. Anyway at home this guy named Brad called wanting to come over for sex but it was a little too late so I told him maybe later this week.

·          Dear Editors, How much can you put up with? First they decided that those sinful faggots shouldn’t be allowed to meet each other in Liberty Park.  This was the city’s attempt to prevent the sinful disgusting acts that fags do.  Now these narrow minded bigots want to reclaim the Grove and return it to a family park where Bob, Nancy, little Joey and Baby Priscilla can go for picnic and not have to worry about seeing the first stages of deviant corruption at its worse. We’ve seen how once proud Liberty Park turns into a ghostly shadow of the cruise spot it once was.  It’s time to make a statement once and for all—we won’t be pushed on to the next park. They want the Grove to be a family park, let’s help the city achieve its goal.  Make sure the Grove is a “family” park. Start spending more time in the park. Have lunch there when you can.  Play volleyball.  Go for walks.  In short, let’s invade Memory Grove. The one problem I see with this is also what the city will use to arrest, intimidate, and try to drive us out with. That is what is known as cruising. So let’s not cruise.  What? Blasphemous you say? Ha, I say we can cruise and not cruise at the same time. They can’t give you a ticket for walking past and staring at that blond muscle bound sun bathing Adonis, who you have passed for the sixth time. 

·          Wayne Owens who has conservatively supported Gay rights causes has become a co sponsor of the “Civil Rights Amendment Act of 1991”. This bill will add “affectional and sexual orientation” to the amendment, thereby affording the same anti-discrimination protection for Gays and Lesbians that are guaranteed to other minorities. While it’s obvious that the Civil rights Amendment of the 60’s (deemed “too little, too late” by Black activists at the time) has not eliminated racism, its equally unlikely this addition to that amendment would eradicate homophobia.  Although it could not prevent abuses, the bill would legally prohibit discrimination or intimidation in housing, employment, federal assistance, etc. on the basis of sexual orientation.  If passed this could easily prove a forerunner to Domestic Partnership laws since it guarantees albeit vaguely, equal rights to all of America’s citizens not just the heterosexual elect.  The bill itself numbered HR 1430 in the House and S. 572 in the Senate, has been tabled for many years. For it to see the light of day long enough to be voted on is a major accomplishment. Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats is very enthusiastic about Owen’s support. “We urge you to write Owens and thank him,” said GLUD secretary/treasurer, Dale Sorensen. “You can be sure he will hear from the bigots and he needs to know we support him.”  They would also like to encourage people to write their representatives who have not “come out” in support of the bill.  Utah Congressmen are Sen. Jake Garn, Sen. Orrin Hatch, Rep. Wayne Owens, Rep. Bill Orton, and Rep. James Hansen. (Bridge May 1991)

 

2 May 1991 Thursday

I’m still not feeling well and it rained enough this morning to have to keep the kids in for most of the recesses; so they were pretty wired. The low grade virus I have has affected my urinary tract and I always feel the need to pee but my bladder isn’t full. It’s something in the urethra. At home I paid rent finally, $368. I didn’t give any notice so I guess I will plan on staying here for at least two more months. I put a pot of beans on to cook tonight but didn’t eat anything but some fruit and cottage cheese. Jim Ingle called to see if there was going to be an Unconditional Support Meeting tonight. Bobbie Smith said he was still sick and since Beauchaine was out of town and no one would be there at his place to let us in, I just decided to cancel again. It’s not a very good way to run a support group but oh well. I need to find a space that is consistent and not depended on Beauchaine. I drove down and put a sign on the door saying the meeting had been canceled and then went to the library to read some more from “Men’s Dreams and Men’s Healing.” I could check the book out but I like being down at the library. I was home by 9:30 and in bed. This has been a real crummy spring so far. Raining every other day with no real warm weather. Yuck! Gary Boren said that about eighteen people have signed up to go to San Francisco for Pride.

 

3 May 1991 Friday

The weather is still cool but getting better. The kids were somewhat hyper today but not as bad as they have been. When I came home from work, I tried straightening up the place a little, but it seemed useless. I don’t have the energy and I know I should start packing things away if I am serious about moving later. I went to the community council tonight. There was no real drama tonight. The Gay Rodeo Association gave me a $250 check to present to KRCL, beyond the $1000 in pledges we had for Concerning Gays and Lesbians. David Nelson is moving to Los Angeles. I hear he has a boyfriend down there. The Anti Violence Project is forming a chapter in Ogden along with the Rape Crisis support organization. The Community Service Committee was changed to the Community Event Committee. I paid $35 for a ticket to the Saturday Voyeurs show in August. It’s a fundraiser for the Utah AIDS Foundation. An Eighth International AIDS Candlelight Memorial Service is planned I think for the 8^th of May. I learned that New Mexico pays $1,000,000 for direct serviced to people with AIDS while Utah only funds about $10,000.  Anyway after the meeting I just went home and went to bed. It’s been a long day. Jimmy Hamamoto had invited me to a party tonight but after taking Bobbie Smith home and visiting after council it was too late for me.

 

4 May 1991 Saturday

It was a strange Kafkaesque kind of day. I went out to Price Savers this afternoon to get some bulk groceries and some treats for the classroom. I also ended up buying some summer clothes; three tops, 2 shorts, and some socks all for about $80 and also about $80 in groceries. Then I went up to the Sauna to sweat. I stayed there until five. This cute guy I’ve known for a while named Stuart was up there and we played around some with  this other college kid too. At home, I wanted to get ready for the “Cactus Swing Social” that the community Center committee  was putting on as a fundraiser tonight. Rocky O’Donovan needed a ride so he went a long with me to the Northwest Multipurpose Center north of the Fairgrounds on the Westside of the city. Rocky got this horrible flat top hair cut as part of his new Queer Nation image. He thinks it looks cute. I think it looks fascist. There was a pretty good turnout at the dance. It was mostly the Gay Rodeo Association folks and Lesbians who were there however.  It was really a little too butch for this faerie. The dance was kind of boring if you weren’t country line dancing, which I wasn’t, but it was exciting to see the fancy foot work of the Rodeo Association two stepping and doing the Cotton Eye Joe in their tight levi jeans. I met 24 year old Ron Zabriskie tonight who is active in the Rodeo club. He’s a doll and I am a sucker for his type of personality. Even Patty Reagan was at the dance and I suppose it was a successful event. While there Liza Smart asked me to be the head of the Mehn’s Music Section of the Stonewall Library. We have a meeting this next Wednesday. Charlene Orchard also paid her $45 to attend Beyond Stonewall. I left at 10:30 with Rocky and we went to the Joint on 2^nd South and 13^th West.  We stayed there just a little while, as it was mostly dead. I don’t think the juice Bar former bathhouse will make it. I took Rocky home. Afterwards, I went back out to the In-Between  where I met this construction worker named Dave. He was tall and cute and he started flirting with me. We ended up slow dancing and with him making out with me. He asked if I liked to party and I said sometimes, although not really, and then he asked if I wanted to party with him. I said sure and he wanted leave to go get some pot. He said he knew where we could get some but it would cost about $25. I wanted to please him, dumb I know, so I gave him $30. We drove down to 21^st and State Street where no one showed, so Dave said he had to go see some buddy of his at 8^th West and 15^th North along the Warm Springs frontage Road, who would sell him some pot. The place looked like an old isolated warehouse by the rail road tracks and the whole scene was getting really weird. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t helping this guy rob this place. So after I dropped him off to find this buddy of his, supposedly for a key to an apartment where we could party in, I waited  for him to return for twenty minutes. Then realizing he was not coming back. I said goodbye to my $30. Somewhere along this strange journey I also lost my favorite purple sweat shirt. About 2 in the morning I drove back into the city and at Broadway and Main.  I see Garth Chamberlain and some guys from the Youth Group I know hanging out on the corner. I stopped to talk to them and later I get cruised by this guy who wants me to follow him down this dark alley on the south side of Broadway. There he starts feeling me up and since I am usually always prepared, I slipped a rubber on his dick and he fucked me in the alley. It was a really strange evening.

·        A fund raising western dance was held at the Northwestern Multipurpose Center with all proceeds going to the Utah Stonewall Center (Bridge May 1991)

 

5 May 1991 Sunday

I woke up way too early this morning when Jeff Wood called and wanted to come over to use my shower. He has no hot water or something. Anyway when he came over, I pulled him into bed with me and we played round some. I wish I could help him get over his hang up about fucking. He won’t fuck, just suck and play around. Val Mansfield called in the middle of my blowing Jeff, so he got up and took his shower. I made arrangements with Val for him to print up a few posters for Beyond Stonewall.  Later John Crapo called and wanted to make sure we were still going to Memory Grove for the memorial service for Charles “Charlie Brown” Altman. He was this hippy musician who kept the counter culture alive and well in Salt Lake City for much of the Sixties and Seventies. At the park there were lots of tie dyed mellow people listening to a Blue Grass Band. Jimmy Hamamoto joined John and me,  and I was surprised to see an old friend of mine, Elbert Peck. I went over and visited with him some. We were dormitory mates back in the day at BYU. I asked him teasingly, “So when are you and I going to have sex?” I wanted to shock him and I guess it did as he blushed deep red. Wayne, this kid I knew from Layton, was also at the park and while visiting with him, I was sad to learn he was dying from AIDS. I gave his a deep body hug. The Monarch butterflies were everywhere today in the park flitting around by the hundreds, maybe thousands. It was so magical and like being in a fairyland. I got a little sun burned today but it was just such a very nice day to be outside. I saw little Daniel Terranova at the park. He said his mom is having another baby. That is cool. After leaving the park at four, I went to Affirmation at the Unitarian Church. I was surprised to find out that Beyond Stonewall was supposed to have done a presentation tonight. Kendra Souter did not let me know so I was rather unprepared but was able to pull something together. We talked about what Gay Space means. It was a small turn out because of the Salt Lake Men’s Choir recital tonight. I never attend the men’s choir performances since they won’t even consider becoming the Gay Men’s Choir. After Affirmation I hurried of to do some Concerning Gays and Lesbians programs with Becky Moss at the KRCL station. We only did one show however, about Community Council news. I talked to Becky about getting a proposal together to have a Gay Music program. Becky said she would help out with the proposal. On the way home, I stopped at Albertson’s to buy cabbage to make coleslaw for tomorrow volunteer luncheon that we teachers are suppose to provide. While there I also rented “Memphis Belle” because Matthew Modine was in it.

 

6 May 1991 Monday

It was a pretty day today, very spring like. The butterflies are great and lilacs are blooming although I haven’t seen any irises as yet. It’s been a late spring in many ways. President Bush is out of the hospital. It must have been all the prayers that Dan Quayle might ever become President that got Bush well. I brought coleslaw to the school’s volunteer luncheon this afternoon. It was a nice turn out and the food there was good. We are assigning our 5^th grade kids to 6^th grade teachers for next year. All my kids want Unger, but Gadzooks what a bunch of goonies to chose from. Dan Unger is a macho man-boy who won’t wear pink because of the connotation, and he still refers to Elayne Day and Reva George as “chairmen” instead of chairs or chairwomen. Karen Fisher is kind of loony but sweet. She’s always acting like she’s not quite aware of her surroundings although I know she is bright but she uses her Mormon helpless female syndrome to her advantage working with the two men. “Brother” Maxfield is so boring, so LDS, and so competitive in games. Yuck. Anyway after work I went to the State Tax Commission and picked up a form for the tax year 1985. It is ridiculously hard to figure out what they require. I’m going to have to have them prepare it for me. I tried, I really tried and I don’t think I am a complete moron, but either they didn’t give me all the forms I need or there is something I just can’t figure out on my own. At my place I straightened up the living room, did some ironing, and then went  down to the library. I’m still reading “Men’s Healing and Men’s Dreams.” It is good. Really good. I also watched Memphis Belle which really stayed with me, although it’s not a real high budget action film. Matthew Modine only has just a small part as the captain-But of course for me he stands out from all the others in the cast

 

7 May 1991 Tuesday

I had to attend an In-Service class on Cooperative Learning until 5:30 so it seemed like a really long day. As soon as it was over I shot out of there and went home. I’m hearing something funny in my left front tire. I hope its not a nail or the tread. When I got home I had a message on my machine from Paul Willardson from Logan who called and left a message.  He said that he’s down in Salt Lake and wants to see me. Heart be careful! Then Fran called and said that she and Brent Pace were up and wanted to go out for dinner. Almost as soon as I hung up, Paul knocked on my door and I invited him to come along. We all went to the Sun Bun on 9^th and 9^th , this vegetarian place. It was fun visiting and especially seeing Brent again. He’s like a handsome Robin Williams. Anyhow I also saw Tom Abizu Jensen at the Sun Bun with someone I once showed my apartment to, but that’s another story. Tom is thinking about stating up a Gay Men’s Newsletter. I told him about Kathy Worthington and Antonia DelaGuerra’s newsletter because he hadn’t heard of it. Anyway it was exciting watching Brent and Paul together since they are both extremely handsome young men. Paul is blond and fair, while Brent is a brunette, with piercing blue eyes and ruddy complexion.  We talked about the Goddess and how Patriarchy is so destructive to both men and women. After a while they had to leave to go back down to Orem for a meeting but Paul stayed with me and we went back to my place to visit some more. Paul is in some EST group called Impact and is having some problems with homophobia from some members of the group. I held him while he talked and then he asked to have his medicine cards read. He wanted to do it sky clad which took me by surprise and I felt a little awkward about myself –total ego and afraid of rejection, but since he felt comfortable with it I complied. I did the protection ritual and then had him pull his cards: Hawk. Possum, Grouse, Antelope, Elk, Dragonfly, Porcupine, Hummingbird, and dolphin. His main totem was the Hawk. After reading his medicine cards, I had him come lie down with me and we just held each while I discussed the meaning of the cards to him. He left at ten thirty tp drive back to Logan to be at work at five in the morning. He’s a beautiful man but what I am feeling is an illusion like with Billy Bikowski.

 

8 May 1991 Wednesday

Uh Oh! I noticed that the tread is really separating from my tire. I’ve got to get two tires now and I don’t dare drive my van until I do. That means taking the bus to work again. I finally got around to  washing the dishes today. Yuck. Pretty scummy. In the evening I talked to Chuck Whyte about getting someone to be interviewed for Coronation for the KRCL program. Also Robert “Popcorn” Olson came over and we played around. I got him so excited that he came before I got off but that’s okay.  I walked with him down to 4^th South and  then back again to get out and get some exercise. I went to bed at 9:30 because I knew I’d be getting up at 5:30 in the morning.

·         Page: B2 SLTribune Gays, lesbians and bisexuals soon may be protected from discrimination and harassment on the University of Utah campus. The U. Academic Senate approved policy changes ensuring that students are not harassed because of their sexual orientation. The hiring and promotion of faculty and staff also would have to be done without regard for sexual preference. The non-discrimination proposals will be considered by the Board of Trustees (formerly the Institutional Council) at its Monday meeting. If approved, the sexual orientation clauses would be added to university policies that already prohibit discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin, sex, age and against handicapped persons, disabled veterans or veterans of the Vietnam era.  The changes were developed following campus incidences where gay and lesbian students and faculty were discriminated against and verbally and physically harassed, said Rocky O'Donovan, a U. student and member of ALGEBRA - Alliance of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Rights Advocates. The group, made up of students, faculty and staff, first proposed the non-discrimination changes to campus committees. Similar non-discrimination statements for gays have been adopted by about 40 U.S. universities and colleges, including Columbia, Cornell, Harvard and Princeton.    With the policy changes, illegal discrimination against gays and lesbians can be investigated and resolved through the university's complaint procedures.   ROTC is the only program to be exempt from a portion of the policies because the U.S. Department of Defense says homosexuality is not compatible with military service. "Although ROTC classes are open to anyone, homosexuals will not be allowed to enter into contracts with the U.S Army which will lead to federal military service," according to a letter from military science professor Lt. Col. James J. Austin Jr. During the senate meeting Monday, several senators argued against changes relating to affirmative action programs aimed at employing underrepresented groups. Traditionally those populations have included women, blacks, Hispanics and Pacific Islanders. Senators and representatives from the Office of Equal Opportunity  and Affirmative Action said it would be difficult to seek out gays and lesbians for employment because records are not kept on sexual orientation.       Despite the arguments, the affirmative action clause was approved by a split vote of 34-31.  Prior to the Senate action, several campus departments and groups sent letters to Dr. Francis supporting the changes. "Homophobia, heterosexism and fear of difference have no place within the academy and the rewriting of policy is a step in the direction of open communications and removal of barriers," wrote Kathryn H. Brooks, Women's Resource Center director.   -

 

9 May 1991 Thursday

I took the bus to work afraid to drive the van until I can get some new tires. Since I don’t have a spare it would be foolish beyond belief. Anyway it rained most of the day and the kids are sick of it. I’m sick of it too. Oh Goddess of Spring, come to us. It was raining even when I caught the bus home but I was determined to get this State Tax mess straightened up so I went to the Tax Commission before going home, I was using the wrong form and that’s why I couldn’t figure it out.  Even with that, I still made the tax preparers show me step by step how to do my taxes and for 1985, I ended up with a $59 refund instead of owing Utah $1500 liked they claimed. All of the tax money applied to that year should now go to 1986 and 1987, the years I do owe some money. Anyway that was a relief. At home the house is still a wreck and I have absolutely no energy to clean it. It started raining again in the evening. I called Bobbie Smith up and said I didn’t feel up to walking in the rain to Unconditional Support tonight so he went to conduct the meeting. Talking to him later, Bobbie said only one person showed up and the door to the meeting room was locked. We decided to shut down Unconditional Support again. It’s not finding its niche and Bobbie and I just don’t have the energy to keep it going to support it. I have my own agenda these days and have to go forward with them and not look back at what we did in the past. Chuck Whyte is getting me a ticket to Coronation for the $25 he owes me. So I guess I’m going this year.

 

10 May 1991 Friday

I took the bus into work again. I had to get up at 5:30. Gad how I hate that. It was misty and cloudy all day but only three more weeks of school. Hurrah! After work, I came home and tried straightening up the house. I didn’t go out this evening as I am afraid to take the van anywhere. So I just stayed home and watched TV. I went to bed about midnight when I heard Fran and Brent Pace coming up the steps. So I got dressed, and answered the door. This woman named Marie was with them and they had been up to attend an AA meeting here in Salt Lake City. Brent was really sweet and said he was praying I’d be home and not at Karraras. I said the Wizard of Oz Show isn’t until the last Friday of the month. Anyway, we visited and it was fun. Marie’s roommate is Reba Keele who I knew from C Terry Warner’s old BYU Branch when she was relief society president. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? I told Marie that I had mentioned Reba in my journal from February 1974 and I read that section to them. The Gay Mormon community is really a small world. I gave Brent a massage and when he left a kiss. Fran said she’s getting ready to cut her boyfriend Vince loose. It was a fun way to end the  day.

Additional Material

·         Joe Pitti, the diminutive artist with the penetrating dark eyes, has a face familiar to thousands of Utah school children. As an annual participant in the Artists in Education Program of the Utah Arts Council, he traverses the state with his silent routines -initiating students into the world of mime. Adults know him from solo concerts as well as his acting appearances in local productions, including "Saturday's Voyeur."   Saturday, Pitti returns to The Broadway Stage, 272 S. Main, to present his second annual mime benefit concert for the Utah AIDS Foundation. Last April, his concert raised $2,000 for UAF, and he hopes this year's version will surpass that figure. Unlike some benefits where the theater and the performer receive a share of the proceeds, all monies from Pitti's concert will go directly to the charity. Ben Barr, executive director of UAF, said Pitti has donated his time and William Sargent, Broadway Stage artistic director, has donated the theater. Barr added that while UAF is not in debt, the organization is broke. "We're extremely grateful to Joe for doing this," Barr said. "He goes out on his own and makes all the arrangements and unselfishly gives his time."   Barr said local bands have presented concerts to benefit UAF, but to his knowledge Pitti is the only single performer who has donated an entire concert to the local organization. Pitti has been an actor and a mime for 15 years. A native of New York, he moved West to attend the University of Utah, where he received a bachelor of arts degree in theater. He formed the Doodles Mime Company in the 1980s and continued to work as a choreographer and actor. His benefit concert last April was his first mime concert since 1985. It was also the last public event that his close friend Michael Elliot attended. Elliot, a Salt Lake City psychologist, died shortly after of AIDS. "There are more and more people dying of  AIDS," said Pitti. "The disease has taken a lot of wonderful people in the arts community, as well as my very dear friend Michael. Doing this concert, which I hope will continue to be an annual event, is a way for me to raise some money for the foundation and feel that I am doing something to contribute to helping those who are ill."   Barr said the average age of a person with  AIDS is 30, but there  are Utahns 9 months to 75 years old with the disease. Since 1983, 376 cases of AIDS have been reported in  Utah; 228 men, women and children have died. "There is a misconception," Barr added, "that   AIDS is something that happens some place else. That is simply not true. It happens everywhere and it affects everyone. There have been 25 new cases diagnosed this year in Utah." Pitti's concert will feature five premieres including "Safe Sex," which raises questions concerning how people deal with sex today and the different definitions of safe sex. Pitti describes it as a "very safe piece."   He will also present some "old favorites," including "The Rocket Ship," "Making Whoopee" and "The Last One Left."  The concert will be repeated May 18 as a benefit for The Broadway Stage. "Bill Sargent has been nice enough to donate the theater these past two years for the AIDS benefit," said Pitti, "and because he has helped raise the consciousness about the disease, I wanted to do something to help his new theater get off the ground."   Performing with Pitti will be actor/choreographer Carolyn Wood and Greg Simione. Curtain is 7:30 p.m. for both concerts.Tickets are $10 and $5. -   (05/10/91 Page C4 ) 

·         Reba Keele taught Organizational Behavior at BYU from 1978 to 1991

 

11 May 1991 Saturday

I didn’t get to bed until really late after two in the morning but I got up at eight. I wanted to get a jump start on the day to look for tires. I called Willy Marshall up to ask his advice and ended up going to Colby’s Used Tires on 9^th West. I had two tires replaced and kept the best old one as a spare. It only cost $45 for the tires. While putting the tires on, the mechanic said that my idle arm was really loose and that Dave Early had barely tightened the bolt by hand. If it would have fallen off, I’d had lost control of the steering wheel and could have crashed. So once again Providence was looking out for me by making me have to get tires which in turn caught what could have been a disaster. In the afternoon I treated myself and went up to the HYPER building to sweat in the sauna. It was kind of dead there with no one using the sauna or showering. Upon coming home I sat on my front porch in front of my apartment and my eye caught the eyes of a man walking up A Street. He stopped and we began to visit. His name was Randy, age 42, tall and good looking, so I invited him to come in to my apartment. We watched some pornos and then went to bed. He was really fun to be with and I tried to make him feel great. He said after we were done fucking that I had a hot ass. Flattery will get you everything. We visited a little back in the front room where I gave him a long massage and then he had to leave. I said he could come back anytime. I really like being with Gays my own age. He even had a peace sign tattooed on his shoulder. After Randy left, I stayed home and started packing away items I’m not using.  It’s time to cut loose some baggage from the past. I stayed home this evening and watched “Total Recall” for the first time. It was better than I thought it would be as I am not really into Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

 

12 May 1991 Sunday

As it was Mother’s Day, I tried calling Mom all day today but never got through to her. Well at least I sent cards to both Mom and Grandma Johnson. In the afternoon I went to the sauna again and read the Sunday Paper basking in the heat. Gary Boren called, when I was home, about the San Francesco Trip. He needed my $35 of my share for the rental van so I ran that over to him before heading up to Affirmation. Willy Marshall conducted the meeting and it was a small turn out. Affirmation decided to have a Gay Slave Auction to raise money for the organization. I had mentioned that idea to them just a couple of weeks ago as a date auction but I guess they think it’s now a clever idea. After Affirmation I went down to KRCL to do a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians on the upcoming Coronation. I interviewed Bruce Harmon Emperor XV and I think he was pleased with the peppy way I handled the interview. When Val Mansfield came in to do an interview for the Desert and Mountain States Conference, Erik Meyers was in the studio so I let him do that interview. I also asked him if he would be willing to be a host for a Lesbian and Gay Music Program and he agreed to be one of the DJ’s. I gave Val a picture from which to make a poster for Beyond Stonewall. I also asked Debbie Rosenberg to make an ad up for the Bridge this week. Jon Schild paid the rest of his registration off and Barbara Rufenacht paid $75 for her registration. We now have 31 paid participants and we need just 20 more to break even. At home I called Curtis Jensen and he said he would DJ for any music program I could get KRCL’s managers to agree to have. So I have three women, Becky Moss, Debbie Rosenberg, and Carla Gourdin and three men, Erick Meyers, Curtis Jensen, and myself willing to host such a program if KRCL agrees to it. I talked to John Crapo in the evening. He said he’s moving into town in June to the Ruby Apartments. He said he’s going to San Francisco with Gary Boren’s group. Groovy! I went to bed thinking of Brent Pace, Randy Wangreen, and Billy Bikowski. I love you all. I really do.

 

13 May 1991 Monday

I am so happy to have transportation again to take to work instead of having to take the bus. Today is the last day of the Gay Moon. It sure has been rainy and gloomy. I hope the Merry Moon is sunnier. After work I came home and did up my dishes from the weekend. I called Justin Webber’s apartment where the manager said for me to come by this Wednesday. Mom called me today as John Crapo was over visiting.  She said they sold their house in Victorville for $125,000 in cash but said they weren’t moving to Arizona after all. They don’t want to give up their California health benefits because they aren’t doing all that well. Dad has had cataracts removed and it’s one thing after another. They are going to move to Hemet and see how they can take the weather before actually buying any property there. They’re going to sell the property they had bought in Flagstaff.  I didn’t get to talk to her long as John and I were just about going out the door to look at some apartments and to go up to LGSU.  The meeting was okay with Kathy doing a discussion on death and dying. Rocky O’Donovan stormed off from LGSU, mad at Brad Weischedel for not having members of LGSU do a letter writing campaign for the non-discrimination policy that his group ALGEBRA [Alliance of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Rights Advocates], is pushing. I told Brad that Rocky will get over it and just go on with the meeting. Bradley has a lot to learn about smoozing people and not ruffling feathers. After LGSU, I went out to coffee with the group to the Union Building. I visited with Curtis Jensen, and this film maker student named Gavin, who’s a doll. It was fun to be out visiting with kids from LGSU; and if school was not almost out, I’d probably not have stayed up so late. I didn’t get home until eleven. Then this guy named Brad called me, who was working late, and wanted to get together with me. I was horny from being around Gavin so I said he could come over. It was nothing spectacular at all. Brad was not really worth staying up so late. I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and I know I’m going to be a basket case tomorrow. Oh Well. I feel change is happening around me. How it will affect me I cannot say. Trust in the Lord and know that his Mother will provide. Bobbie Smith is still very melancholy over losing his friend Glenn Hollinger to AIDS last Saturday.

·         Gary "Glenn" Hollinger, 32, died May 11, 1991 at 6:03 a.m. at the Hill Haven Convalescent Center of cancer. Born November 28, 1958 in Burley, Idaho to Gary Hollinger and Sharon Turner Fenton. Glenn graduated from Twin Falls High School, Twin Falls, Idaho in 1977 with honors and was listed in the National Society of Who's Who in America's High Schools. He served an LDS Mission in the Republic of China, at Taiwan and was the mission president's secretary. Glenn attended BYU in Provo, Utah and the University of Utah, SLC., Utah for 3 years. He attended the Salt Lake Community College of Nursing and achieved his L.P.N. Certificate. He was employed at Hill Haven Convalescent Center where he especially enjoyed working with geriatric patients. Glenn also attended the Unitarian Universalist Church in SLC, Utah. He is survived by his father, Gary Hollinger, Burley, Idaho; mother, Sharon Turner Fenton, Twin Falls, Idaho; brother, Guy Hollinger, Twin Falls, Idaho; stepmother, Linda Hollinger, Burley, Idaho; step grandmother, Theo Hollinger, Portland, Oregon; three stepsisters, several aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. Preceded in death by paternal and maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, one stepfather, one step uncle, step grandparents and step great grandparents. Funeral services will be held at Payne Mortuary in Burley, Idaho on Wednesday afternoon, May 15, 1991. Friends may pay respects on Tuesday evening or Wednesday prior to services. Interment Pleasant View Cemetery, Burley, Idaho. The family suggests that memorials be made to the Hill Haven Convalescent Center, 41 South 900 East, SLC

·         OLICY AT U. WOULD PROTECT GAYS, BISEXUALS If a proposed policy change at the University of Utah is approved, homosexuals and bisexuals would be protected from discrimination and harassment. The university's Academic Senate Tuesday approved policy changes guaranteeing such students wouldn't be discriminated against because of their sexual orientation. The proposals will now be considered by the university's Board of Trustees when it meets Monday. Rocky O'Donovan, a university student and member of the Alliance of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Rights Advocates, said the changes were developed after campus incidents where homosexual students and faculty were subjected to both verbal and physical abuse. If the changes are approved, such incidents against gays and lesbians can be investigated, and a resolution sought through the university's complaint process. Exempt from the policies is the school's Reserve Officer Training Corps, because the U.S. Department of Defense says homosexuality isn't compatible with military service. "Although ROTC classes are open to anyone, homosexuals will not be allowed to enter into contracts with the U.S. Army which will lead to federal military service," said military science professor Lt. Col. James J. Austin. The policy changes have some support, but the proposed change passed the Student Senate by only a 34-31 vote. "Homophobia, heterosexism and fear of difference have no place within the academy, and the rewriting of policy is a step in the direction of open communications and removal of barriers," said Kathryn Brooks, Women's Resource director, in a letter to school officials. ( Deseret News)   

  

14 May 1991 Tuesday

The Merry Moon got off to a wet start. I was drugged out from so little sleep this morning. It was pretty and clear out until noon when it began a down pour. We had to keep the kids in for the rest of the day. I gave the kids their end of the level math test today. I hope the kids were successful. After school I had to sit through my last “cooperative Learning” workshop. While I’ve enjoyed the information, this late in the year it’s hard to work up any enthusiasm, especially when I am ready to fall asleep. I didn’t get home until 5:30 and I was so tired. I watched some news, and laid down when Paul Willardson surprised me by dropping by. He had attended an Impact session in Salt Lake so he wanted to see me and visit before heading back to Logan. I gave him a light finger and foot massage and we visited some more. I would love for him to be my boyfriend but it’s an illusion. After he left, I called Mom since I didn’t get a chance to return her call yesterday and have a real visit. We talked for about an hour visiting. She needed to talk out her ambivalent feelings about moving again. They have 45 days before they have to be out of the Victorville house. I think it’s neat that they got $125,000 in cash for the house so they don’t have to worry about carrying any paper. I guess they are going to rent in Hemet before they buy to see if they like the weather. Grandpa Danforth died in Hemet on Father’s Day in 1946. Circles. Mom said there’s still a chance they might end up in Arizona but I don’t look forward to them going really and leaving California after all these years. My sister Charline has the mumps at her age. She will be 44 in June. I guess the whole tribe is living with her in Stanton, her husband Dennis Wachs, my nephew James and his girlfriend, my niece Denise and her husband and my unmarried nephew Michael. That would drive me crazy. Mom said that my Cousin John Johnson’s son, Chris Johnson, is married now. I think she said his wife’s  name is Dana. Anyway we talked about a lot of things especially Grandma Johnson being in a rest home. I told Mom that if I ever had to be hospitalized, I don’t want any support systems keeping me alive. No heroic efforts. Just let me go. I also said I wanted to be cremated not buried. She agreed to it all. Her only reservation was when I said, “If I should die of AIDS, I want the cause of death in my obituary as AIDS and not cancer or pneumonia.” She thought that was kind of weird but I hope she will or whoever will take care of it for me. Anyway I went to bed ay nine when Luci Malin called and gave me some unsettling and disturbing news. She said that she heard a rumor that Camp Rogers has laid off its staff and has shut down! What an unpleasant way to end the day and then try to fall asleep. Gawd! What will I do if it’s true? Refund everyone’s money, I suppose and make up the difference already spent on advertising out of my own pocket. I’m stressing out! Ugh!

 

15 May 1991 Wednesday

It rained again all night and while driving to work the van was soaked. It leaks like a sieve because of the sun roof. I can’t imagine that the frame can be in all that good of shape either for it to leak so much. Anyway at noon during my lunch break, I called the YMCA and was told that Mike Spain, Camp Roger’s director,  was no longer with the Y and when I asked about Camp Rogers, I was told that the camp would not be opened this summer. The YMCA director was at a meeting until two so I guess I better get my ass over to the YMCA after school and find out what the hell is going on. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It is probably too late in the season to find another camp location that is inexpensive for a weekend. What to do?  I have a feeling that I am going to eat $300 or more that’s been spent on advertising already. I will give everyone one back their money.  No one will take a bath on this but me.  Well there goes my trip to Boston this summer. Gawd! What do I feel? Numbness, frustration, but perhaps even relief?  Ugh! Right after work, I rushed down to the YMCA and confirmed the disappointing news. Yes, Camp Rogers is closed for the summer and all contracts have been canceled. Mike Spain was supposed to have sent out notifications to everyone in April! I was very upset and said this was a very shabby way to do business. At the very least a phone call could have prevented further expenditure of time and money on our part. Bob Burnett was gone as director of the YMCA and a Mr. McQuery had taken his place. He was a very sweet and gentle man who when I told him we were a Gay and Lesbian Organization, he said he was doubly apologetic. He said his brother is Gay and as a Methodist Pastor his church has an outreach for Gay and Lesbian people. I almost felt like I was consoling him! The reason given for the camp’s closure was because there’s no toilet and shower facilities up there this year due to water pipes breaking. Before they can build a new shower house, they have to have an Environmental Impact statement done which can’t be finished until the end of July. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that we are sunk. We hit an unavoidable iceberg. McQuery assured me that they would cut a check for us tomorrow to refund our $315 deposit. Still, stunned, I went home and started making the necessary phone calls; first to Debbie Rosenberg, Chuck Whyte, and Kendra Souter, and then to the facilitators. Debbie is going to try and get the In-Between Bar to buy out our ad space in the Bridge and perhaps we can get back some of the $175. If not I’ll eat it. It was a frustrating and disappointing thing to do calling folks to unravel the plans we made for Beyond Stonewall this year. I don’t know if I have the “umpf” anymore to start it back up again in 1992. It is nice to be out from under the stress of the financial obligation of Beyond Stonewall. I’ll meet with Chuck on Friday to start cutting refund checks to people. Jimmy Hamamoto came over this evening to console me.

 

16 May 1991 Thursday

It was a beautiful spring day today. The Merry Moon is doing its stuff. After work I went to pick up a check from the YMCA but it wasn’t ready.  What really irritated me; what really got me upset was when I went over to the Princeton Apartments, the manager Mr. Miller, said that Justin Webber had another friend, a woman from Price, interested in the apartment. He said that I’d have to wait until June 6^th to find out if the woman would take the apartment. I told Mr. Miller that it was very upsetting to me as I did want the apartment and was willing to put money down right now to hold it. I said I did not want to wait until the middle of June to find out whether I’d have an apartment or not. So Mr. Miller did say he would contact this woman on Saturday and would let me know then whether I could have the Apartment or not. At home, my place is scummy again, Ugh! At six I walked to the Post Office at Expo Mart and then over to Bobbie Smith’s place behind the Greek Church. In my PO Box was a video “Torch Song Trilogy” and four payments to Beyond Stonewall totally $300. That made me depressed all over again. Well Bobbie and I walked down to Aardvarks prepared to shut down Unconditional Support when four new people showed up. Dilemma City. I can’t, can’t, can’t abandon faggots who are just coming out. We went through the whole gamut of support groups in Salt Lake City and what really became obvious to me is that there’s nothing like Unconditional Support out there in the community to be welcoming, supportive, and accepting while faggots are in a chrysalis state. We took a conscious vote and decided to keep Unconditional Support afloat for six months at least. After the first of June we will move into the Stonewall Community Center as our new location. Beauchaine is back in town and he wants to buy my van for perhaps $700. I don’t know. I will have to think about it a lot more. Walking Bobbie home I said to him “I don’t want to be a Rocky O’Donovan activist. I want to be a Ben Barr activist; hands on and involved on a personal level.” I didn’t get home until ten and there I was able to make contact with Craig Miller, the interim director of the Stonewall Community Center. We are guaranteed the small room every Thursday at $7.50 per night. Well the dye is cast. Directions; which way from here?

 

17 May 1991 Friday

I’m tired this morning and it didn’t help matters any when Philip Roat almost knocked me down, running down the hall into me. Then when I told him to go back down to the end of the hall and walk, he blew up at me and struck me in the arm. I hauled his butt up to the office and had his dad come down to the school. Then Philip accused me of hitting him first! Fortunately,  Mrs. Day witnessed the entire event and knew I never laid a hand on him; but knowing that his father is a wimp and would not be supportive of me, I was concerned. That was until even to Stanger, it was obvious that Philip was lying and changing his story to minimalize his own involvement. Anyway that was just part of a horrible day. In the afternoon a storm blew in with gusts of 45 miles per hour, pelleting me with grit and rain as I hurried home. I went straight to the YMCA because the person with my check said he was leaving at four so I was anxious to get there before then. I was able to pick up the $315 check so at least that’s taken care of. For the rest of the evening, I stayed home until Gary Boren told me about he was going up to the U of U for their Mayfest at 9:30. However the organizers were shutting it down by the time I got there, but it was still fun to see all the drunken high school boys trying to find their own rites of passage. Some people were doing a drumming circle so I went over to them but the Mayfest organizers dispelled the magic and sent everyone on their way. I hung around the Union Building until midnight hoping to see Curtis Jensen or Gary Boren before the movie started. I didn’t, so I went to see a free showing of “Hair” in the Union Theater by myself. However these two cute granola type boys sat next to me and were both drinking beer. After the movie, I talked to them for a while. They were kind of cool dudes. They were on Mountain-Bikes and I was in my van. After we parted I was really horny as it was two in the morning, so I went to Broadway and Main where I picked this one dude up. We kind of fucked in my van; nothing special, we weren’t really connecting, so after he left, I met this other guy, more my age. He brought me home with him. Since it was now four in the morning we just did a quickie and he fucked my ass. It helped with the stressful day I had. Funny, coming home from tricking with this guy, I saw Russ Lane out walking at 4:30 in the morning. I stopped to talk to him a little, but he wasn’t too interested in visiting with me so I let him go on his merry way. Gawd I can’t believe the emotional investment I had in him. I thought life had no purpose or meaning after him.

 

18 May 1991 Saturday

I certainly hope the Merry Moon will get merrier for me soon. I woke up at nine which was way too early after last night. I was dragging ass for the rest of the day. At noon I went to see Mr. Miller about the Princeton Apartments and I’m being put off again. I’m not sure what to do about that; persevere or let it go?  I went up to the sauna at the U of U afterwards, as it was a cool, dreary, overcast day. I saw Curtis Robinson there and we visited about the new Men’s Movement. Last night on 20/20, there was a report on the growing Men’s Movement which is really interesting about discovering your masculinity by male bonding in sacred spaces.  As I was leaving, Jeff Sewell came into the locker room and I ran into him. I wish I hadn’t. While visiting with Jeff he asked if I was with anyone, I said half jokingly, “It’s hard to find someone to match Billy Bikowski’s exacting standards.” Then Jeff said “I hadn’t seen Bill since the night I first met Greg, which is Jeff’s lover. I said, “Oh where was that?” and he proceeded to inform me how he went to the Youth Group’s Prom last June 9^th with Steve Barker and his nephew Spencer Barker. I asked, “Billy was at the Youth Prom?” And then Jeff went on to say how they went from the prom to the Wasatch Leathermen’s Club House where Jeff met Greg. At that point I was confused and asked, “But where did you see Billy?” and Jeff replied, “At the Club House.” I immediately felt a sick knot in the pit of my stomach. I asked incredulously, “Billy was at the Wasatch Leathermen’s Club House?” It totally blew me away. Jeff went on to say that Billy wasn’t very communicable but he did remember who he was. At that point I lost interest in visiting with Jeff anymore and I just drove home on the verge of tears. I’m not even sure I can explain why. Why does hearing about Billy bring heartache bubbling up to the surface yet again? The scab is pulled off the wound again.  What the fuck was he doing at the Wasatch Leathermen’s? I guess hearing this just confirms again that I can never be what Billy is looking for; this search for masculinity that doesn’t include me. At home, the dark harpies flew again out of the recesses of my psyche, taunting me to buy a leather jacket, black field boots, and levi pants, me this vegetarian pacifist granola New Age Faerie. Gawd my binary masculine-femininity has been swooped down upon again-by my safe Unitarian butch gender. At least briefly. At six I walked over to Bobbie Smith’s to go with  him to the Gay Film Festival at the Salt Lake Art Center downtown. I dressed up for the occasion. I was tired of being shabby. The theater was packed with dykes, with a few Gay men in the audience as the movies were definitely for Lesbians. The films were “Frankly Shirley” and “Dry Kisses Only.”  I enjoyed them however. Marlin Criddle, who is the driving force behind the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, is doing a tremendous job. Rocky O’Donovan attended the shows too, him being Rocky. Bobbie really dislikes him. After the movies I just went home and was in bed by 9:30. I wanted to go to the Deerhunter but I was just too tired from yesterday. I need sleep. Today is John Reeves’s birthday and I called Boston but couldn’t get a hold of him.

·         David Walter Fuehring, age 58, died Saturday, May 18, 1991. Born August 23, 1923 in Wilmar, California to Walter Frederick and Martha Blair Fuehring. Upon his parents' untimely deaths, David was raised by an aunt and uncle, Ida and Ray Brown. David attended Granite High School, served in the Armed Forces 1952-1956, graduated Woodbury College, L.A. Calif., David resided in California and Arizona until June 1990. As a victim of AIDS, David spent his final year in Salt Lake with family. As a dedicated member of AA for 23 years, David gave support and hope to others. His faithful companion Lady, the most gentle of Dobermans preceded him in death. Survived by a brother, Dan B. and sister-in-law Lois, three nieces and two nephews, aunt and uncle, and several cousins.  The family expresses deep appreciation to Dr. Larry Reimer and the staff at the V.A. Hospital for their personal care and support.  In compliance with David's request, no funeral services will be conducted. Graveside services will be held Saturday, June 1st, 11 a.m. Bountiful City Cemetery. In memory of David, the family suggests contributions to the Utah Aids Foundation, 450 So. 900 East, Salt Lake City, 84102, and a prayer for those afflicted or affected by AIDS.  "He ain't heavy, he's my brother".

 

 19 May 1991 Sunday

I slept in until nine and it felt wonderful. As I began stirring, I tried in vain to straighten up the place and plan what I wanted to do today. I  had planned on going out to Bare Ass Beach but that was later changed when Gary Boren called and asked if I wanted to go the movies with Devin Hanson, Ron Richardson, Lewis, and him. At first I declined as they were so much younger than me but later I changed my mind when I didn’t think it was a good idea to be isolating myself since I was still melancholy over this new Billy Bikowki revelation. John Reeves called me today when I was out so I called him back later and we had a very long visit about what is going on in our lives. He said he heard the March on Washington is tentatively scheduled for April 1993. Yesterday was his 58^th birthday. I think he said he was born in California. I know he was raised there. John is my uncle Milton’s age. He was 18 years old when I was born. Talking to John helped me get over the blue funk I was in. Then Gary Boren called to see if I wanted to see “Truth or Dare”, the movie about Madonna’s World Tour.  The film made me like Madonna a lot more for sure. It was fun going to the movies after all. I hadn’t been in a long time except for the artsy thing yesterday. I didn’t eat much today. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s chemical like depression. After the movie we all went over to Gary Boren’s place and we visited until I had to leave to go to Affirmation. Devin Hanson and Gary Boren really are good people. We got on the subject of Bobbie Smith for some reason and they were upset with him because of his Anti Queer Nation stance. I tried to correct their impression of Bobbie and let them know that Bobbie is a good guy. Anyhow, at Affirmation, they had a panel on drag queens. It was informative and kind of fun. I talked to Willy Marshall as I was leaving, and while sitting in my van, he kept feeling me up. My, wasn’t he frisky. He said he’s finally coming out to his brothers. At home, I taped a movie “Our Sons” about two mothers who have to deal with their sons being lovers and one dying of AIDS. Today is the 8^th Annual International AIDS Memorial Day.  There was a candlelight vigil in front of the Governor’s Mansion. Mrs Bangerter called the cops on them. I taped the news broadcast of the event and saw Bobbie Smith and Robert Austin were there along with Melissa Sillitoe and Ann Lavato. It looked like there were about thirty people there. I was surprised there weren’t more but it was organized rather quickly. I gave $5 to a direct Care fund raiser at Affirmation for people with AIDS.

·         Salt Lake cross-dressers look to support group  Byline: Paula Huff  Page: F9 "Kassie" entered the room wearing a tight black miniskirt and a purple angora sweater with matching stiletto pumps and dangling earrings. Her fingernails were perfectly manicured, painted with hot pink polish. Every hair of her graying Afro was in place.   Then she spoke in a booming baritone. Kassie is a cross-dresser (or transvestite), a heterosexual man who enjoys dressing as a woman. Three to 5 percent of the U.S. male population fits the description.    When "en femme," cross-dressers like to be referred to as "she" because it fits the dress and attire. Choosing a female name, and rarely revealing their male identity when dressed, is part of the intrigue. Kassie, who lives in Salt Lake City, began wearing his mother's clothing in second grade. Most cross-dressers follow the same pattern: secretively experimenting with their mother's or sister's clothing while pre-pubescent.  "It is usually secretive, unless someone comes home early and finds you in a slip or panties," said Kassie, who works in heavy construction. "That's what happened to me. My mother said a couple of things that hurt. I didn't know what was happening. I just knew I enjoyed wearing women's clothing, and I didn't know why." The cruel words did not stop Kassie from cross-dressing; he just concealed what he thought was an unusual hobby. In junior high, he heard the term transvestite for the first time. "I went to a dictionary - and at that time not all dictionaries listed the word - and decided, `That's what I want to do,' " he said.    Kassie's strong desire to cross-dress caused him confusion. In elementary school, the urge was sexual. As he matured he suspected homosexuality. But in high school he had a girlfriend and found himself sexually attracted to females.       Once Kassie moved out of his mother's home and began cross-dressing without fear, he began to understand the desire. He said he wears women's clothing because it feels good and helps relieve sexual and all-over stress by breaking through male machismo. "It is fun," Kassie said. "I have to change my whole state of mind when I'm en femme. My whole personality changes. It is great."    Kassie's wife Ellen quipped, "It's along the lines of women taking a hot bath."    "Mary Ann," who works in the electronics industry, also recognized while young his desire to cross-dress. "I would look at girls and think, `I would like to wear a dress. I would like to feel pretty,' " he said. Unlike most cross-dressers, Mary Ann never acted on those feelings. He fought the impulse for years by "diving into projects headfirst and never coming up for air." Thinking marriage would smother the urge, Mary Ann plunged into that too. However, being around the feminine side of his wife made the desire stronger. Eventually, he was so obsessed with the idea he told his wife, who was unreceptive, then gave in with a bet. If Mary Ann would lose 60 pounds, he could dress and go out in public as a woman. He lost the weight, and now has incentive to keep his svelte size 8 or 10 figure.  "The first time I went out was in 1986," Mary Ann said. "My wife and I went to a movie here in town, and as usual I was overdressed. I wore a cocktail dress. I thought I looked pretty good, but when I look back on it I think I looked terrible."  When men begin cross-dressing, the desire has been stifled so long they often overdo it, wearing fancy dresses, dramatic shoes and flashy jewelry, he said. Of course, heavy makeup is required to cover beards. Mary Ann's second venture in public, a trip to a shopping mall, was not as successful. He was "read," cross-dresser lingo for being recognized as a man dressed as a woman. "I didn't look that good and some crazy lady in the mall gathered her family around and yelled, `Look everybody] That is a man dressed as a woman]' " he said.  Mary Ann and his wife made a beeline for the door. It was a full year before his wife let him go out in public dressed as a woman again. Kassie and Mary Ann have found a safe and accepting place to cross-dress socially, The Society for The Second Self (Tri-Ess), a nationwide club founded in the 1950s for transvestites. A Salt Lake chapter was formed in 1988. There are 25 members from Utah, Nevada and Idaho which represent a cross section of occupations including a school administrator, lawyer, janitor, plumber and computer programmer. Tri-Ess is specifically for heterosexual cross-dressers and their spouses. Though female cross-dressers are invited to join, the Salt Lake chapter is all male for now. There are clubs - though not local - which cater to other members of the "gender community" including transsexuals and homosexuals who like to dress as women - sometimes called drag queens. A transsexual is a person who feels trapped in the wrong body and wants a sex change. The gender community has its own organization called International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE), which functions like a chamber of commerce. IFGE meets regularly with representatives from all groups and publishes a magazine called Tapestry. Tri-Ess provides a place for cross-dressers to meet with their peers, said Mary Ann. Besides workshops on makeup, clothing and  female mannerisms, members offer each other tips on hair stylists and clothiers receptive to their needs. More important, Tri-Ess meetings are a place where men can forsake their male egos for an evening and assume more feminine characteristics like caring, nurturing and softness, Mary Ann said. "In society today, men are forced to keep their feminine side bottled up," he continued. "Cross-dressing is an effective vehicle to express the feminine side." Tri-Ess is also important as a place for wives of cross-dressers to meet other women and share experiences. Oftentimes, wives and girlfriends are not supportive. Some come around, like Ellen, Kassie's third wife.    "Before we got married he told me he was a cross-dresser," Ellen said. "It didn't change anything when I found out. It seems so minor in the world we live in. What you wear is really not important." Ellen was recently nominated to Tri-Ess's board of directors. Since she was the only woman candidate, she automatically became a member. Tri-Ess has been working to get more wives or significant others involved in the organization so they better understand cross-dressing. "It is really hard on wives when they find out their husbands enjoy dressing as women," Ellen said. "They can't go to family members and they can't reveal it to friends. If you go to a therapist, the therapist  will sit and pick your brains because the person doesn't know much about cross-dressers." One of the greatest fears among wives and girlfriends of cross-dressers is homosexuality. "But in sharing with other women, you find those fears are often unfounded," Ellen said. Some wives and significant others never accept cross-dressing. Often, men are so frightened of the response, they hide their clothing in garages and cars. As a result, nearly every cross-dresser goes through a time of "purging," throwing away all female clothes and makeup. When Kassie purged, he also grew a beard and mustache.    "But cross-dressing always resurfaces; it is always in the back of your mind," he said. "You feel this urge to break out of your macho mode. It's not sexual, it is just wanting to express your feminine side though you are male." Horror stories often result. An acquaintance of Mary Ann's hadn't told his wife about his cross-dressing. He would change in his work van and go to malls. Police staking out a mall nabbed him as a suspicious character, and his wife discovered the secret. Not all cross-dressing stories are unpleasant. Without being "read," Mary Ann and his wife have dined at up-scale Salt Lake restaurants. He has been fitted for shoes and tried on female clothing in department stores. Cross-dressers go to great extremes to be woman-like. Some shave their arms and legs, others their entire bodies. One trick is to not shave, but wear two pairs of hose. "I like to spend a good part of my time living as a woman," Mary Ann said. "I wouldn't mind living full-time as a woman. That doesn't mean I'm interested in changing my sex. I'm interested in  changing my gender. I'm interested in taking on the attributes women have. I find that much more appealing than being macho."    For more information, contact Tri-Ess, P.O. Box 194, Tulure, Calif. 93275, or International Foundation for Gender Education, P.O.  Box 367, Wayland, Mass. 01778. © Copyright 1990-2000, The Salt Lake Tribune

 

20 May 1991 Monday

I don’t know what I’ve done to have so much bad karma lately but I wish it would go away. Last Friday, as I was leaving work, a wind gust flew the van door right out of my hands. I didn’t pay much attention as I was in a hurry to get to the YMCA, but today I found out that my door had slightly damaged Sherry Robinson, a first grade teacher’s car to the tune of $128. I felt so bad for her and I paid her right away while I have the money. It seems like I am the one being dinged left and right. Boom, Boom, Bam! Beyond Stonewall biting the dust, Justin Webber’s apartment snafu, Philip Roat’s craziness, and now Mrs. Robinson’s damaged car. What is next? Don’t ask! I’m certainly glad the cycle of Taurus is over. Taurus stampeded through my china shop for sure. Anyway at home, I kept calling Chuck Whyte so we could get together to start paying people back but he never answered his phone so who knows where he is. In the evening this kid named Matt called me about Beyond Stonewall from the number in the Event section of the Private Eye. I had to inform him that it’s been canceled but he said he wanted to meet me and talk because he had so many questions about Gay Sex. He was this athletic black kid from the Holladay area and he wanted to come over. He was probably 18, I hope, although he said he was 21. I initiated him into the Joy of Gay Sex. He was really inexperience. Give me a man with experience every time.

 

21 May 1991 Tuesday

Today is the first day of Gemini and I certainly hope it bodes well for me rather than what Taurus did; the raging bull.  I took the bus again to work. I almost have a phobia about taking that green beast to work since it has cost me nothing but money. I do believe that van is jinxed. And the sooner I get rid of it the better off I’ll be. I paid Sherry Robinson $128 to repair the nick in her fender from the wind gust last Friday. That’s a car payment right there.  I give my kids an AIDS quiz in health today. I figured they won’t hear about AIDS again while in school for a long time here in Davis County although its mandated by the state to be apart of the curriculum.  I called Chuck Whyte after getting home. We were supposed to have gotten together yesterday. He blew it off so we will do it tomorrow. It was such a pretty day out that I decided to go out rather than stay home. I went to the Eagle Gate office building and got a blow job in the men’s room and then I walked over to the post office. I had another check for Beyond Stonewall in the mail, I’ll have to return. Frank Sinatra is in town at the Salt Palace to croon. That whole area was backwashed with the Swing Generation flocking to see and listen to their favorite crooner. I walked down to Bandaloops because it was the Bridge’s Poetry Reading Night. Ola Robinson and her friend from the Anti Violence Project read some poetry as did this woman from the Lesbian Task Force.  I wish I would have gotten her name as I really liked her poetry especially the poem “Lavender Moon”. I mended some fences with Becky Moorman about not being part of the March on Washington Planning Committee on Sundays. I wasn’t too apologetic as I never said I would absolutely be there. But I am not out to make an enemy out of anyone unless they are anti-Gay. There were cute guys at Bandaloops, in a hip groovy bohemian kind of way.  Becky asked me to read part of a story she had written for next Tuesday. I said I would. I left at nine to walk home and then went to Albertson’s to get some treats for the kids. I ran into Russ Lane again. Funny, I haven’t seen him for over a year and I’ve run into him twice within a week. He was more interested in talking to me tonight. He said he’s still working at the Red Lion Hotel and that his relationship with Roberto Luz had soured. But Russ still is Russ. For a few brief moments while looking at his face, I tingled, and a faint recollection of the love I once had for him echoed in the deep cavernous recesses of my heart. It is good that I don’t see him anymore. It is good for my heart. At home I called Erick Meyers to ask if he knew of a location to hold our faerie gathering. He suggested a place up in Davis County. We will go there on Saturday to check it out. I then called Rocky O’Donovan to ask him if he knew of a place. He didn’t but he inspired the thought of having a weekend faerie retreat in Spanish Fork Canyon over the Weekend of the 14^th and 15^th of July in lieu of Beyond Stonewall. I called Luci Malin who knew the camp grounds of the state and she said she’d check it out for us. Different people have suggested to me that we do something that weekend since so many people have that weekend off anyway as they had planned to go to Beyond Stonewall. Rocky is going to Tucson this weekend as a keynote speaker at a Southwest Archivist Conference. So he’ll miss this week’s gathering for the Merry Moon. All in all it was a nice way to begin the period of Gemini. I want to write more poetry and stories and everything. I want to blend my molecular structure with Billy Bikowski.

 

22 May 1991 Wednesday

I’m still taking the bus to work and I’m still hating getting up forty-five minutes earlier than I need to do, so I can catch the bus into North Salt Lake. It was a pretty day nice and warm. We finally finished watching Ken Burn’s Civil War. If I ever show it again I really need to edit it down to just the highlights. That would be a good summer project. After work I walked home cutting through the ZCMI mall. The Eagle Gate office main floor men’s room is so cruisy. There’s always something going on. These Mormon business men are so horny. It’s almost like a full time job just keeping up with them. I went and picked up Chuck Whyte around five and brought him back to my place to balance out the books for Beyond Stonewall ‘91 and to cut checks. I’ve got them all written out and miracle of miracles I’ll only have to put in $27 of my own money  to cover them all. Of course I’ll never recover the money I’ve already spent and I’ll have to cover the $50 to the Event for running our ad. But that’s water under the bridge. I didn’t take a real soaking and all I lost was some money and time. Bobbie Smith stopped by for a little bit as it began to rain in the evening. He’s made up with Queer Nation but is now mad at the Stonewall Community Center over their treatment of his library and its status within the Center. I taped the movie Anastasia that featured Yul Bryner and Ingrid Bergman. It’s one of my favorite movies. 

 

23 May 1991 Thursday

As I walked downtown to catch a bus to work, it rained this morning. It cleared up in the afternoon for our Track and Field Day that gets the kids too worked up and competitive, I think. But I am not ready to buck the system. I caught the Centerville Bus home to Main Street and then cut through the ZCMI Mall to walk on home. At Eagle Gate, I met this man named Mark who gave me his phone number and wanted to meet me tomorrow for a date. DATE- “Dicks Attracted to Everything”. At home I did the dishes, cooked some Spanish Rice, and walked over to Bobbie Smith’s place at 6:30 so we could walk together to Unconditional Support. At Beauchaine’s, some twit opened the door and said “the meeting for tonight is cancelled.” I said, “Oh really? Where’s Beau?” and I was told that he was not available. So I told this guy that we lead the meeting and we were never informed that we could not meet here tonight. I was so pissed. Bobbie and I sat on the grass and waited to see who else might show up and just one person did. Who knows how many may have come before us and were turned away. This kid was new so we all sat on the grass for about an hour visiting than I went home. I had to make phone calls about the gathering scheduled for Saturday. I want to have it at the Great Salt Lake Beach but who knows?

 

24 May 1991 Friday

 I was sunburned pretty badly today after being outside for two hours during the Track and Field Day events. It was very warm today; in the eighties, I believe. After taking the bus home, I finished mailing out all the Beyond Stonewall ’91 refunds and I made a deposit of $35 to make sure everything was covered and nothing would bounce. As I was getting ready to go pick up Bobbie Smith, to drive out to the state beach to check out a location for tomorrow’s circle, Fran and Brent Pace came by. I asked if they wanted to go with us and they did so we all crammed into Brent’s Subaru instead of my taking the van. Bobbie said that he went down to Provo to see about a job as a caretaker for this man named Bernie who is a quadriplegic. He’s not sure he will get it until sometime in June. At the beach, we determined that the sand was packed and hard enough for Carla Gourdin’s wheelchair; so after coming back into the city, Fran and Brent left for their meeting. I then made phone calls to everyone that we were having the faerie circle out at the Great Salt Lake state beach. This guy named Mark, who I met yesterday at Eagle Gate, called me to see if we could get together. I told him that Saturday morning or afternoon would be better for me. At 9:30 Fran and Brent came back over to my place and we went to Café Rude on State Street for a bite to eat. They were closing almost when he got there so we really didn’t have dinner; but I did order sautéed mushrooms and they were wonderful.  We discussed being Gay and the LDS attitude towards it. Brent and Fran are still very much hung up on Mormonism even though they know it doesn’t work for them. On the way home, Fran said to me, ”Do all you ever talk about is Gay issues? I’m afraid you are becoming one dimensional.” I had to think about that for a minute and realized that her statement was heterosexist to the extreme. Being Gay is so multifaceted  and to the ignorant it may seem that way that we are one dimensional but if we are one dimensional then so is heterosexualism. Back at my place, we watch a Judy Tanuta’s Video “Worship Me Pigs” and visited some. I gave Brent a long massage as Fran and I talked about our former marriage.  I think we are finally putting that behind us. It was very late, nearly 1:30 before getting to bed. Bobbie Smith is very upset with Liza Smart and the Stonewall Community Center for not coming to his place to retrieve all the books stored there that are suppose to go into the library. My energy is really down for this Merry Moon. Rocky O’Donovan is going to Tucson this weekend for the Gay Archivist Conference.

 

25 May 1991Saturday

The weather was so bizarre; cloudy, then clear, then warm, then torrential rain. Erick “Buffalo Song” Meyers called me at eight this morning to see if we were still on about going north to find future locations for Faerie gatherings. I wanted to beg off because I was so tired but when I heard the disappointment in his voice, I relented and agreed to go. He picked me up at nine and we went up to Farmington then out into some canyon. It was very pretty and we hiked some trails and sat by a mountain stream where we visited some. He said that I seemed very apologetic and that I needn’t be. We also got into the topic of Billy Bikowski. Erick said I must try to let him go that I shouldn’t let him hold be back. Strange. I never thought I had ever consider Billy anything but liberating but in my heart of heat he’s been a millstone. Anyway I was back home by noon and I tried to nap a little when Mark called and wanted to come over so I said okay. We fucked around. He was very nervous. Later Jimmy Hamamoto and I went window shopping at the Crossroads Mall. It was so bright and sunny but by five it began to pour. Tonight we celebrate the Merry Moon so back at the apartment, I called Bobbie Smith and Todd Bennett, whose new Faerie name is Homo Erectus. We decided that we would not be able to have the circle outdoors due to the weather and since none of us had places prepared for a gathering we decided to just meet for dinner and drinks at Café Rude. We met at seven and the faeries in attendance were Hummingbird, Popcorn, Homo Erectus, Woodie, Gillian, Buffalo Song, Fuku, Sky Rat, Luna, Mustacha, Kathy, Lucia, and I Gayflower. There we read Lesbian and Gay Poetry. We had a lot of fun and afterwards the men went to Buffalo Song’s place to visit and socialize. Fuku and I were fast fading at eleven thirty so we departed while the rest stayed to sit in the hot tub. Mother Nature was being very ambiguous. Rain, Rain go away. Come again another day.

 

26 May 1991 Sunday

At 6:30 this morning, Beauchaine called me and woke me up out of a deep sleep. He had me talk to this fellow whose lover was bashed last night so severely that he’s in St. Mark’s hospital. I couldn’t be much more help than making sure they called the Anti-Violence Project and make a correct police report. It kind of upset me that Beauchaine calls me when he could have taken care of it just as well. Anyway I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I was groggy and had a slight headache the rest of the morning. After getting some gasoline for the beast, I went up to the sauna to soak and relax. That helped some, but still I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to the Royal Court’s Coronation as I was so tired. I’ve glad I did however. The sets of Medieval and Renaissance courts were just fabulous as well as the costumes. I went in faerie drag and brought my wand along to dispel any negative energy. Coronation was held at the State Fairgrounds this year and having it there was delightful. I stayed with Michael Aaron and Steve Oldroyd mostly. I’m learning to have a new appreciation for Michael. I thought the Slip-Ups were the best entertainers there tonight but there were lots of good talent there. I saw Michael Bolton from the Wasatch Leathermen Club and I got myself an invite to an afterhours party at the club house. But first, I left Coronation halfway through it and went over to Curtis Jensen for Matt Landis and Justin Webber’s farewell party. It started to rain after I got there and the BBQ was moved indoors. Randy Wangreen who was at our last gathering was there and I was able to get his phone number and I also gave him a  healing massage. I was so connecting with him and was pulling illness out of his body. He broke into a sweat and I could feel him draining toxins from his body. I think I pulled some of his illness out into me. I’m not experienced enough to know how to ground myself enough so the energy flows in to Mother Earth and not into me. I left Curtis’ party about two in the morning and went to the Wasatch Leathermen Club House, slightly hoping and yet fearing I’d see Billy there. I needed to see what was there that would attract Billy. I had never been to the club house before which is located behind Hale’s Bakery on 11^th East. It was an eye opener for sure. I saw Floyd Gamble there and some others I know by sight but not by name. I was still in Faerie drag in contrast to the Levi and black leather and chains attire that most of the men there had on. Anyway I was invited into the dungeon and witnessed the infamous swing in action. Some naked guy was in it, writhing in ecstasy as two leather men worked on him. What I witnessed was that no one was forced to do anything against their will. When someone said enough, it stopped. After seeing the club house activities in the dungeon I could only imagine Billy both horrified and fascinated by the whole scene. Dominance. Billy needs dominance. Do I? No. I am strong enough to be passive. I was home by four in the morning. Melancholy over Billy. Why?

·         Memorial Day Weekend 1991- Coronation XVI held with Jeff Smith Emperor XVI and Stephanie Thomas a female Empress XVI. Prince Royale was Barry Preddingville and Princess Royale was Mickey Holland

 

27 May 1991 Monday

Because it’s Memorial Day, I slept in until ten which still wasn’t enough sleep for getting to bed so late. At noon I went out to Bare Ass Beach to be alone or perhaps to get fucked, which I was on two occasions. It was mostly quiet out there and the day was cool not warm. I saw Rocky O’Donovan cruising around also. We visited for a while and I asked him to be in charge over the faerie rituals for the 13^th and 14^th of July weekend and he accepted. I met this one man with a beautiful body and a sweet smile out at the beach. I ate him out royally which he loved.  When he penetrated me, he jacked me off and I came all over his chest. A substitute Billy Bikowski I suppose. I was so tired by the time I got back into town at six that I went right to bed to take a nap and slept until I got a phone call from Mike Pipkin at 9:30. He was back in town and staying at his brother’s place in West Valley but asked if I would come get him. So I went out and picked him up and brought him back to my place via first stopping at the Deerhunter for a beer.  I told him I couldn’t stay out real late as I have to go back to work tomorrow. He wanted to stay out drinking so I dropped him off at the Radio City so he could visit with Jon Merrill who was bartending. I gave him a key to my backdoor. I don’t know what time it was when he came home. It feels familiar to have him back at my place.  

 

28 May 1991 Tuesday

I took the bus back to work. Thank goodness it was an early out day. I spent most of my time going over Report Cards as this is the last week. Coming home, Mike Pipkin wanted to take me out to dinner so we went to Rude Café where I had a bowl of vegetarian chili verde. Afterwards we went to Jon Merrill’s apartment to pick up the bike, I had given to Mike that he had loaned to Dixie. Curtis Robinson was there and we visited for a little while catching up on things. He’s having a difficult time with frequent Deja Vu which is very disturbing to him as he feels everything that is happening now has happened before. From Dixie’s apartment we went to Bandaloops for a Poetry Reading Night. Devin Hanson and Ron Richardson never showed up so I just read some passages from Larry Mitchell’s book “Faggots and their Friends Between Revolutions.: We stayed until 9:30. I had a swig of JOLT cola which has twice as much caffeine as a regular coke. I enjoy being at Bandaloops and reading poetry among the Bohemian crowd. Mike and I went home at ten and watch some more of Judy Tenuta’s Worship Me Pigs before going to bed. I think Mike is having his old boyfriend Tracy over tomorrow after he gets off work at two. It’s nice having Michael back but I am still glad to be living alone. A little of Mike goes a long way.

 

29 May 1991 Wednesday

 I went back to work by bus again. It was a cool and overcast morning and I felt like I was coming down with a cold; but I felt better as the weather got better. The fifth grade took the kids bowling today across the street at Orchard Bowling Lanes. Both Mrs. Day and Mrs. George and a student’s parent, Mrs. Ertmann, beat my score. Ha! It was basically a do nothing day as we are just at this point babysitting. The kids had paper sack lunches outside and we played a kickball tournament for the rest of the afternoon. When I arrived home from work, Mike Pipkin had already left to go back home to Moab. I didn’t go out this evening but rather stayed home and went to bed at 9:30. I did scrub the bathroom really good and began to break down the place into boxes. Chaos is in my life as I am also closing down my 3^rd school year and trying to get out of this apartment.

 

30 May 1991 Thursday

It rained pretty well today especially when I left for work. I kept thanking Meteora for the rain and hoping that it would cancel the faulty softball game but no such luck. Just about the time the game was to begin in the afternoon, the sun peaked through the clouds long enough for the macho-honchos to cry out “Play Ball.”  I was in a quagmire as I really didn’t want to play as I threw like a sissy but there was no way out as I was one of the male teachers. I have all the fortitude of Jello. There were so few teachers willing to play as our staff is mostly middle age women that I thought we wouldn’t even have enough people to field a team but we did. I have to say I didn’t strike out and made a few points so I didn’t disgrace myself completely. But the anxiety from my childhood having to play this game in PE was far more overwhelming than any pleasure I could take rounding bases coming home. And I didn’t feel any heterosexual urges welling up within me playing softball. I just remember being always in left field and the taunts “You throw like a girl”.  I did however keep thinking also how cute Dan Unger’s ass looked. Anyway about forty-five minutes into the game it began to seriously rain and Stanger wouldn’t call the game. After fifteen minutes of getting drench I said I had enough and took me and my kids inside to dry off. Ugh! All I need is to have a cold at the beginning of summer vacation. At home Bobbie Smith called and said he was down at the new building working in the library and would stay there at the Center tonight instead of going to Unconditional Support. He said the Center agreed to name the library after him for all his efforts and donating hundreds of books from his own collection. I said I think that’s great and should chap Rock O’Donovan’s hide. I went to Unconditional Support and led the meeting on the origins of the Pink Triangle as a Gay resistance symbol. I also talked about the contributions of Alan Turing in defeating the Nazis during World War II.  In attendance was just Jim Ingles, Frank Lohmeyer, David Lane, Beauchaine and myself. Next week we will be meeting at the Stonewall Community Center. Hooray! I went to bed by ten feeling very achy and feverish. I hope I haven’t caught a bug from standing out in the rain. I feel a chill coming on. Tomorrow is the end of the school year 1990-1991.

 

31 May 1991 Friday

I took my van into work today as I was too tired to get up early to make it to the bus stop. I also had items in my classroom I had to take home with me which I couldn’t take on the bus. It rained some off and on. We brought the entire 5^th Grade into my room to watch a video Walt Disney’s Black Beard Ghost so Mrs. Day and Mrs. George could work in their rooms. That took most of the morning and then we had a little party for the kids, gave them their final report cards, hugged them, and sent them on their merry way at noon. Our paychecks came in early but Stanger once again kept us at school to the bitter end until releasing the checks to us at four. I saw that my check included professional pay so that helps out a lot.  When I left school, I saw the windows of my van were scribbled on with wipeable markers, “We love U soooo much. Thanks for an awesome year.” Well this school year is finally over. At home I was so exhausted from closing down the year. I just tried taking a nap to rest some before going out to see the Slip-Ups at Club Karraras. The weather has been so wet. It rained or drizzled for most of the evening. At Karraras, I saw Todd Bennett and George Henry so I sat at their table. There I met J.R. Gray-Lee and his lover Jason Gary-Lee. They hyphenated their last names together. It was enjoyable meeting new people who are interesting. Also at the table was an artist named John Cook. I had a blast seeing the Wizard of Oz again which is the last time it will be performed. Both George and Todd want to have sex with me and so do J.R. and Jason but while I have nothing against threesomes, I don’t want to be the odd man out.  J.R. and I had some kind of sexual energy flowing between us and I could have slept with both him and his lover but do I really want to be a third wheel? JR is really, really darling, so cute and clever. Jason is a doll too and it made me mad that I can’t find an unattached male in this city that I can find as a companion for my own. Why couldn’t I keep Billy Bikowski’s love?  I am still really sore from yesterday’s baseball game but I did manage to dance some with J.R. and Jason. They wanted my phone number when I left. I feel really connected to them. What’s going on? Another who was a real turn on was John the artist. Tall, blond, quiet, and reserve. Well, so ends the merry lusty month of May. It wasn’t all that merry mostly wet. But it was lusty. There’s been no really good weather for laying out in the park and it’s still too cool to be wearing shorts. My diet, meaning my way of eating, is totally screwed up again. I need to straighten that out.  Well good night.