Winter First Quarter Journal 1991 January- March

 FEBRUARY

1 February 1991 Friday

I am really feeling run down and would have loved to have stayed home tonight but it was the time for a Community Council Meeting. It was announced there that the 501 3c status that Charlene Orchard had requested is in the mail finally. Congrats. I pushed through two motions that both passed. One was that bylaw changes must be submitted in writing and distributed in the minutes to members before changes can be voted on. That will put an end to the emotions of being put on the spot unprepared for a rebuttal. The second one I made was that people’s names who attended be put back into the minutes as part of an official record. People have the right to know who are representing the community. I felt good about the Hate Crime Statistics Bill that is similar to the fed’s that Frank  Pignanelli is sponsoring in the legislature. I got four more sign ups at the council tonight for Beyond Stonewall. David Turner and his lover Marlin Criddle, and Val Mansfield and his lover David Estes took registration forms.  After the meeting, I went out for coffee with Jim Hunsaker, Bobbie Smith, and Chuck Whyte at Dee’s on 4^th South. It was fun being out and visiting and it kind of rejuvenated me. I loaned Chuck $20 as he is broke right now and I just got paid. There were a lot of people at the Community Council tonight but after coffee I went straight to bed at midnight.

Additional Material

·         Rocky O’Donavan Radical Queer wrote regarding The Persian Gulf War and Gays in the Military : We queers who have suffered so much violence at the hands of the Patriarchy (with all their cures, rapes, beatings, torture, and murder) should know that violence is never the answer….The time for a new Queer paradigm has come- a paradigm of studying peace….War is racist, classist, sexist, heterosexist: the poor, the women, the people of color, the Queers only get into the war machine when the patriarchy discovers how expendable we are: when they just need bodies. In the 1920’s, Lesbian Feminist writer Natalie Clifford Barney declared war to be an “involuntary and collective suicide ordained by man that kills “woman’s work” kills her children and without her consent, ruins the life she has constructed.  Let us Queer folk forget war, forget violence. Rather than marching to the beat of a different drum, let’s not march at all.  Let love and respect for Mother Earth and Her inhabitants guide our steps-

 

2 February 1991 Saturday

The Season of Candlemas begins today. It would have been my cousin Gregory Williams’ 29^th birthday if he would not have been murdered in 1985. Happy birthday cousin. I am having car troubles today. I don’t know whether it’s the gas pump or it’s the fuel filter. But I have to stomp the shit out of the gas pedal to get it running. I went to Checkers auto parts store and bought some “Gum Out” to clean the carburetor.  I am not sure what is wrong but am going to have to spend some money to get it fixed. I helped Chuck Whyte haul the community council’s pink filing cabinet over to Bobbie Smith’s place to house. In the evening we had a Full Moon faerie gathering at Bobbie’s place. In attendance were Rocky "Skybear," O'Donovan, Bobbie "Gillian" Smith, Jimmy "Fuku" Hamamoto, Deb "Applestar" Rosenberg, Carla "Spirit Dancer" Gourdin , Richard "Ragnar" McCall, Gail "Sky Rat" Scott, Kendra "Ursa Heribulus: Souter, Kathryn "Luna" Warner, Amy, Steve Price, Don "Warm Moon Shadow" Glenn Jenny", Gray Wolf, Nancy "Mustacha" Perez , Scott "Jasper Nightshade" Spinks, John "Griffin" Crapo and Ron "Dolphin" Priddis. So we had a good turn out with high energy. We did some magic, sang songs, said prayers, meditated, and some healing rituals. Ursa Heribulus and Sky Rat needed healing so we placed them in the center of the circle and let our energies flow over them. I did a meditation ritual using the image of a tree as the focal point. We also did some Candlemas Rituals and feasting. I think everyone had fun and were renewed. I took Nancy Perez, Jimmy Hamamoto, and Scott Spinks home in my van. Scott wanted to come in for a little while to visit. I realize that nothing will come of us. I am sure of it now.

 

3 February 1991 Sunday

I’m lying in bed, trying to keep my eyes open and am real weepy. I’m not sure why but I am on the verge of real tears. I’m tired, moody, not feeling well, with a myriad of emotions swirling around me. Coming home for doing a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians, I burst into tears; not even sure what I was crying about. Perhaps I’m channeling the feelings of others; that I am being a conduit for other people’s pain. John Reeves called me and said that his car had been stolen while visiting his lover in Dorchester. What a blow to him. He was just getting back on his feet. I hope the heavens will provide him with comfort and if not his car back at least reliable transportation. I’m not crying over that I think. Perhaps it’s only a part of it. The professor at BYU who is doing a study on Gay Relationships, I think brought back some painful memories from 1976. I am still angry at the Mormon Church, I suppose. I haven’t let it go as much as I thought I had. I’m also angry about AIDS. I am so angry about having to live in fear all the time; about how I make love. I hate it and I am tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about death all around me and of who’s dying. I’m tired living in fear that someone I make love to might kill me or worse yet I might kill him. We have already spent in the past two weeks, in the fucking Persian Gulf War, the entire budget for AIDS research for the next two years. Let the faggots die. Let the gentle, beautiful young men die. Let the gentle souls who are too good for this ugly, hateful world, die. That is America in 1991. But some day we will create a better one with no one to hate us because of the way we walk, we talk, we dress, and love.

 

4 February 1991 Monday

I was really feeling run down and if I thought I could have stayed home I would have. As it was I did cancel a card reading for Jim Hunsaker. I just stayed home and watched Sixteen Candles. My body is fighting off something. I am not sure what but the Echinacea magic seems to be doing its stuff. I’ve become sloppy again and my place is messy. I have no energy to pick up after myself. Well stamps are 29 cents now. Will they be a dollar by the end of the century?

 

5 February 1991 Tuesday

I am really beginning to wear down. I think I’m coming down with some crud but not sure what. The weather is a lot warmer but there’s so much smog in the valley. They call it haze but its good old fashion smog and its worse than anything I remember in California except for downtown L.A. I canceled our Beyond Stonewall meeting because I didn’t want to go out of the house. I stayed home this evening and worked on Beyond Stonewall things instead. I mailed out the facilitator forms to everyone or at least got them ready to mail. I bought a roll of 100 stamps at 29 cents each. They went up yesterday. John Crapo came over and spent the evening with me. He needed some comfort contact. I believe while he’s trying to find a space for himself. He’s really a sweet man too and he would be easy to fall in love with him.

 

6 February 1991 Wednesday

I made arrangements for a substitute for tomorrow and Friday. I feel really weak, achy, and I have an upset stomach like I am constipated but I eat so much bran so that couldn’t be it. Anyway I am glad to take the time off from school. At home Mark Angus and his friend Michael King came over at six to have a medicine card reading. Michael said we had met before but I couldn’t place him until he said he was Jeff Wood’s date for Halloween. We had a fun time and Mark and Mike are both sweet men. Mike’s main totem is the bat with some strong Ant attributes. When they left at eight, they kissed me goodbye and I walked up to the Quaker Meeting House on 1^st Avenue for the Gay Historical Society. I wanted to see Debra Burrington  and hear her talk about early feminism but she wasn’t there. I did hand out some Beyond Stonewall flyers. Well even though I’m not feeling well, my spirits were boosted by Mike King and Mark Angus coming over. I went to bed at ten. The Tribune printed my letter to the editor today finally. They titled it “Love to Hate.”

 

7 February 1991 Thursday

I stayed home from work today. I tried cleaning the place some. I did take the van to Minute Lube and had the oil change finally. Harold Jones came over later in the afternoon to have his medicine cards read. His main totem is Bear like me. He’s a nice guy. He took a look at my van and we figured out that it doesn’t need a fuel pump and that its probably needs the rotor replaced. Maybe I can get that done tomorrow. Garth Chamberlain came by yesterday and paid $25 down on Beyond Stonewall. I stayed home this evening and watched cable TV. I also had the cable box replaced too. I’m running a low grade fever.

 

8 February 1991 Friday

I took my van down to Brake Masters and had the rear brake drums replaced. It cost about $125 all in all. Ouch! My stomach is really hurting today and also my side where my liver is. Mortality is looming up before me again. Mike Pipkin called me this evening and said that he’s moving to Moab at the end of the month. Willy Marshall said that Jon Butler was in town a couple of days ago. Other than that there’s no news.

 

9 February 1991 Saturday

I am really beginning to feel the effects of this cold. I’m really sore and achy. I went up to the U of U’s sauna to sweat some. My van is acting up but I just do not have the energy to take it in anywhere to have it looked at. In the evening I just stayed home rather than go to Carla Gourdin and Debbie  Rosenberg’s Mardi Gras Party. I’m just not up to it. I cleaned the apartment then messed it up again. Endless cycle. Queer Nation had their meeting at Curtis Jensen’s house this afternoon. Curtis said about seventeen people showed up. I would have gone if this blame cold hadn’t sapped all my strength. The Utah Stonewall Community Center was having their fund raising drive so a lot is going on that I didn’t attend.

 

10 February 1991 Sunday

It was a very upsetting day. My van is sitting in a Smith’s parking lot at 8^th South and 9^th east with all the electrical circuitry dead. I can’t get it to start even with Jeff Wood’s help. That was the crowning glory of an awful frustrating day. I have a full blown cold today. Chuck Whyte talked me into going up to the sauna and that was okay except I was furious about an article in the Tribune from the Evergreen Foundation. They condemned Gays as moral degenerates and that the Gay Civil Rights movement was fascist for not agreeing with Evergreen’s ludicrous claims that Gay men can become straight.  Gay men can stop being sexually active, but straight? Never, unless they were so high on the Kinsey scale towards heterosexualism in the first place.  Chuck and I went to Affirmation which had several new people attending. I sat with the newcomer’s group to be welcoming. Willy Marshall came into our group, I think to somewhat monitor my behavior; which got my bristles up. But when this heterosexual girl fag hag started in on how we Gays needed to be less community oriented and blend more into society, I came unglued. The Gays from Provo are so anti-progressive that it is really irritating. I said I’d think a little gratitude is in order for those community builders who built organizations like Affirmation rather than being called militant and radical. Of course I am a radical to them because I am always pro-Gay. Harold Jones was criticizing me for not letting that girl make her point that Gays should become mainstreamed back into heterosexual society. He basically equated me also with being militant, saying we have to look to heterosexuals for our rights. I realized from our conversation that he really still has internalized homophobia and I know that will alter our relationship. Our rights are not heterosexuals to give. Anyway at one point Willy Marshall told me to shut up and I let him have it. I said don’t you ever tell me to shut up again. My badger totem was fuming. It’s the same old bull shit, “I’m only Gay in the bedroom” mentality. I get very annoyed and have little patience for people who would have us back pedal our visibility because of some nervous Nellies.  After the meeting Willy apologized and this one guy named Raphael said he needed to hear what I had to say about Gay identity being more than sex.  I saw Mike Howard and Mike Pipkin also at the meeting. Mike Pipkin said he’s moving back to Moab. I invited Mike Howard to come join the Faeries as he had out grown Mormonism. Anyway I took Chuck home, ran to the store, and coming out of the parking lot, the van wouldn’t start. The whole electrical system is out. I took a taxi home with the groceries. That cost $5. Then I got a hold of Jeff Wood who took me back down to start the van but it wouldn’t do anything at all. Dead. Super frustrated. Becky Moss and Jimmy Hamamoto dropped by at eleven so it was midnight before I was able to crash.

 

11 February 1991 Monday

I was a wreck today. I tossed and turned for most of the night worried over my van, and worried about not getting enough sleep.  I don’t know what time it was that I finally dropped off but I was tired to the bone when I got up at five thirty to get ready to catch the bus to school. There I was a basket case and made arrangements to take tomorrow off. I need one more day of rest. The school day went pretty fast and I was able to get some lesson plans ready for the substitute. I spent the rest of the evening curled up on the couch, hacking, coughing, and feeling generally miserable. Jeff Wood said he'd tow my van to Gary William’s Chev’s mechanic shop tomorrow when he gets off work at one so that’s taken care of. Worried about life, but it will all take care of itself. It’s just that I’m not feeling well. That’s the majority of it.

Additional Material

·         GAY GROUP HONORS SEVERAL UTAHNS, ORGANIZATIONS The Utah Stonewall Center, a project of the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah Inc., sponsored an awards dinner to honor groups and individuals who have "created positive change for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in Utah." Recipients and contributions of "Diversity is Great" awards went to Lou and Lee Weyer and Kim Pelton, Salt Lake Police Sgt. Dave Ward, Maureen Davies, Kim Russo and Val John Mansfield.  Also, Robert Smith, Chris Williams, Salt Lake County Commissioners Randy Horiuchi and Jim Bradley, David Nelson, Ray Henke, "Joanie Lynn," Marshall Brunner and Kathy Worthington. Other recipients were Melissa Sillitoe and Queer Nation. © 1998 Deseret News Publishing Co.

 

12 February 1991 Tuesday

Today is Fran’s 46^th birthday. I tried calling her at five today but she was out. Anyway it was great to sleep in until eight thirty. I was feeling a little better today so I straighten up the kitchen because it was a sty. I spent the rest of the morning on the couch resting. Jeff Wood came over at two and I fixed him some lunch before going out to retrieve the van.  We went to K-Mart to get a tow rope and at the parking lot we jumped the van. Surprisingly it started up, so I drove it as far as third east and 17^th South when it just died again. The electrical circuit just cut out again. Jeff had to tow me the rest of the way. The tow rope snapped about thirty feet from the Service Station so we ended up pushing it that far. I was so glad to get it there to State and 21st South. After dropping the van off, I just came home and spent the rest of the evening watching TV. I feel so worn out and my lips are covered with fever blisters. Ouch! I talked to Susan McCoy, my former mentor at Sunset Elementary yesterday and she said she might be pregnant and it wouldn't be her husband Floyd’s.

 

13 February 1991 Wednesday

I went back to school today by taking the bus. I am still very tired but I do believe my cold is breaking up. The weather was rainy this morning when I took the bus in to work. Better rain than snow, but it was awful out even with an umbrella. Hopefully the rain will wash the junk out of the air. After school I took the bus down State Street to Gary Williams Auto Repairs at 21^st and State. They were able to get the Van running for $30 but they said that it’s the carburetor that is causing the car to flood all the time. Driving it home, I was afraid it would cut out on me the whole time. I thought fuck, this isn’t an improvement if I’m afraid it will stall on me at anytime. I called Tune-Up Masters and it will cost $75 to get it tuned up properly. So I drew enough money out of the bank tonight to get that fixed tomorrow. I only have about $125 left to last me the rest of the month, My place is really getting piggy again But I have no energy to clean up anything. I’ve been watching a mini-series on George Washington. It’s really good but too long to tape to show at school. Should I take a roommate? Would it be worth giving up my independence? Mike Pipkin said he wanted to come over this evening but never showed.

 

14 February 1991 Thursday

I’ve just been mentally exhausted for most of the morning over my vehicle troubles but hopefully I’ve resolved them this afternoon. The van started up this morning but barely made it up A Street, which is really steep, to 1^st Avenue. Fortunately I was able to keep It going on to school but at Walker’s Convenient Store it died on me and wouldn’t start back up. I just locked it up and walked across the street to Orchard. The kids were hyper today over it being Valentine’s Day. We had our party on the afternoon before school let out. After work I went back to Walker’s and begged Providence to let the van start which it did. I then managed to drive it to Tune-Up Masters. Blessed Be.  However there they said that the carburetor is shot and I would not be able to drive it away. They wanted $212 for a carburetor rebuild and tune up. I said go ahead and do it not knowing where I’d get the money. I had $75 on me and I knew I only had about $100 in the bank. Walking home from 600 North and 3^rd West, I passed Professional Bank and I made an executive decision to borrow $100 from the Beyond Stonewall Account until I get paid March 1^st. I didn’t confer with Chuck Whyte as that he doesn’t have a telephone anymore. It seemed an acceptable solution to my dilemma. I have over $500 coming back as refunds from my taxes and I will get paid on the 1^st. My only concern is that if I was killed between now and then how would my estate pay back the money?  But that scenario is not likely. Anyway I thanked Providence and the Gay community and then walked over to the Post Office. Sharon Alderman put a $23 deposit down on Beyond Stonewall and Mike Connor paid $45. His payment is in full as a guest of John Bush who is doing a workshop. I was hoping that some of my tax refund had come In-But hadn’t. Walking back home, I was drenched in sweat probably from my cold. I watched a little TV and felt bad when Jeff Wood called and I didn’t pick up. I think he was lonesome but I just need to be by myself to wallow in the misery of this cold. Chuck Whyte called from the phone booth and I told him what I did and he said it was okay. Besides he still owes me $20 I had lent him. I talked to Bobbie Smith for awhile. He’s getting a new roommate, David Thometz from LGSU.

Additional Material

·         The Utah AIDS Foundation and local participating Massage Therapists cooperated for a "Have a Heart" fund-raiser to benefit AIDS research. on Valentine's Day, all participating therapists donated individual earnings for that day to the Utah  AIDS Foundation. (02/11/91 Page: A7)

·         14-18 February 1991 President’s Day Trip to Phoenix, Arizona sponsored by Wasatch Leathermen Motorcycle Club

 

15 February 1991 Friday

The cycle of the Horny Moon began today. I was not ready to get up this morning but I dragged myself off to work anyway. My lips are black from cold sores.  I was a little cranky with the kids. I’m so glad that it’s a three day weekend with President’s Day being Monday. Maybe I can finally shake this virus. In the news Iraq is ready to pull out of Kuwait if the U.S. stops the bombing. Ronald Reagan is in town for a NuSkin Convention in Utah County. Beauchaine called me last Wednesday to try and round up some help for me but I told him it was taken care of. Bob Waldrop is discouraged from a tax lien the government has attached again to him. He wants to move to Big Water, Utah, Alex Joseph’s polygamist Libertarian Utopia.  After school I went to pick up my van but it wasn’t ready still, so I told the mechanics to go ahead and keep it until tomorrow. I walked on home from 6^th North and 3^rd West down to South Temple over to A Street. I stayed home for the rest of the evening. The Youth Group is having a Valentine Dance at the Metropolitan Community Church and tomorrow the Desert and Mountain States Conference is having their dance as a fundraiser. My cold is breaking up finally but I ‘m still really tired. I’m glad I have this weekend to rest.

 

16 February 1991 Saturday

I called on my van and it still wasn’t ready this morning. But it was okay as Jeff Wood took me down to get it this afternoon. It cost $213 to get it running and I’m not sure it’s completely right even yet. The van doesn’t seem to have the power it once did. Anyway it rained and drizzled most of the day. It was nice spending time with Jeff. I think he misses his dog. He can’t keep him at the place he is at. I spent the evening home alone and went to bed early. I re-read my journal from 1986 until the present for the months of February. Being sick during February seems to be a consistent pattern for me. It was difficult reading 1987. That was a turbulent time with Billy Bikowski breaking my heart. He really did treat me poorly. Love is so blind. Ronald Reagan is in town and speaking at the Salt Palace to the NuSkin Convention. Beauchaine got the banquet contract. Jeff Wood took me by the Guadalupe Center in Rose Park on North Temple and 5^th West. It’s for sale for $100,000 and it’s an old Mormon Ward house. It’s a great building and I am going to mention it to Charlene Orchard. It would make such a great community center.

 

17 February 1991 Sunday

I felt better this morning so I tried straightening up the apartment. It snowed some this morning. In the afternoon, I took Jimmy Hamamoto and Chuck Whyte up to the Sauna to sweat and relax. Afterwards, Chuck came home with me and we watched a move I had taped for him called “Mass Appeal”. He likes religious themed movies. We also went to Affirmation again tonight. Gerri Johnston from People Who Care spoke to parents of Gay and Lesbians  about issues relevant to them. It was a good meeting with about fifty people there.  One guy again was defending the LDS Church by saying that to live the Gospel, all people are required to live lives of chastity therefore the LDS Church isn’t actually singling out Gays for a different standard. This guy was with Keith McBride from Utah County so it’s understandable why he was fucked up. I didn’t rebutt him, after being so vocal last time, but Jon Schild did; stating that heterosexuals have marriage as a sexual outlet while Gays do not. Jon’s come a long way from his early pro Mormon days. After the meeting, I talked to the father of this kid named Mike Bryner, another Michael than the shaman, about being Gay then I took Chuck home. I think I’m still pissed at Allan Peterson who was at meeting and of course I didn’t say hello to him at all. He back stabbed me too many times at Unconditional Support for me to act like everything is hunky-dory. Chuck came home with me after Affirmation and we watched some TV. The sweet thing even did up my dishes because I wasn’t feeling well.

 

18 February 1991 Monday

I felt food enough this morning to do my laundry, strip the bed, and clean house. This fellow Brian from the sex phone line came over in the afternoon. It wasn’t as magical as I had hoped. Perhaps I was a tad bit too aggressive for him. Oh Well. Anyway that got my horniness going so I went up to the sauna and while there I weighed myself Ugh! Get ready for this. I’ve gained fifteen pounds. I’m 210 pounds. No wonder I feel so fat and bloated. I am. What a bummer. I didn’t want to know it, but as least now I can do something about it. I met someone in the sauna and sucked him off. That was only slightly satisfying so I went to Sunnyside Park to cruise and this guy named Robert Olson cruised me. He was someone Chuck Whyte and I had seen cruising up at the sauna a while back. Anyway he came over to my place, watched some pornos, and then we went to bed. He wanted me to fuck him first but I didn’t have the energy so he fucked me and it was very satisfying, muy, muy satisfying. After he left, Jeff Wood called me in the evening. He’s starting to get the crud that is going around so I brought him over some split pea soup and the Dr. Jan Stout cassette tape from his Affirmation Talk from 1986. Jeff was feeling blue over Mormonism and being Gay again. Paul H Dunn, this LDS Seventy, is in trouble over his lying about his background. According to his “inspirational books”, he had played for a major league baseball team and during WWII, a buddy of his had died in his arms saying with his last breath “tell the youth of America that I am glad to die for my country.” Lynn Packer, the reporter who came to my house a year ago to get a tape cassette I had recorded on Charles Van Dam, broke the story and because of it lost his job at BYU. All the General Authorities in the LDS Church have a warped sense of reality and believe it’s okay to lie if it protects the credibility of the church or if the lie is “faith promoting”. John Reeves called from Boston this morning and I told him about my experience with Paul Dunn in 1973 while I was at BYU. I thought I had told him all about that time in my life but I guess I had not. I told him I would tell him the whole story later this summer when I come back to Boston. Debbie Rosenberg called me about her birthday party she is hosting on the 20^th. She will be 27 years old. It was to be a fundraiser so I told her that I’d have to bow out as I’m totally broke until payday. She’s not feeling well either. The crud is getting her too.  Tomorrow is Scott Spinks’ 35^th birthday.

 

19 February 1991 Tuesday

I had a minor relapse today of what I’m not sure but I’m feeling extremely fatigued today. I went back to work but I am so tired. Five students were out sick today with colds and or the flu also. As soon as school was out I went straight home only stopping at the post office box. I got my women’s symbols book from my book club and I also received my movie Birdy. I only have to buy three more tapes then I’ve completed my contract. Debbie Rosenberg dropped by at six. She went to her doctor who was in the neighborhood. I guess this crud is slowly making the rounds. Debbie said that Kendra Souter and Gail Scott split up a couple of weeks ago. No wonder they were going through a lot of emotional pain at Candlemas. Debbie said that Gail is now with Kathryn Warner. I spent the evening watching TV and feeling achy. I went to bed at nine but read the Women Symbols book until nearly ten because I couldn’t put it down. I wonder why I am still feeling achy and worn down? This cold sure packs a wallop. In the news Bush is getting ready for a ground war in Kuwait. Well at least we don’t have the draft anymore and the people there made a conscious choice to support the military. With a ground war the body bags will be filling up soon and the maim and dismembered will fill up our hospitals. Then life will go on with go on with arm chair patriots supporting the troops with a pat on the back and a hearty “We’re behind you.” Why don’t they fight beside them if they are so supportive of the war?

 

20 February 1991 Wednesday

 The weather is so much nicer and it got up to fifty five degrees with clear blue skies. I’m feeling a little better today but after school I went right home and stayed home all evening. Today is Debbie Rosenberg’s 27^th birthday. I left a message on her machine wishing her a happy birthday but that was all. Chuck Whyte kept calling me all evening about his trying to get his phone hooked up again. I convinced him to use another name as he owed so much under Chuck. I said use Everett Williams and I’d co sign for him but as it turned out he was able to get a phone without a co-signer. His new number will be 364-3388. Anyway I watched Music Box starring Jessica Lange and then went to bed by nine. Jeff Wood said he’s doing much better also. Well I spent my last five dollars for the month on gas today. Prices are down to $1.03 a gallon but still, I am broke as can be and so it could be back to 33 cents and I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I have to pay my cable bill which is $30.  I do think I might have $10 in the bank but I’m waiting until next week to touch it. There’s one more week before I get paid again. I still have pinto beans and dried peas and lentils to live on. I’m too fat anyway. The time shall pass quickly.

 

21 February 1991 Thursday

I am feeling better today. Will I ever feel energized again? Today was a short day for the kids as Parent Teacher’s night conference was tonight. I did most of mine earlier in the week so I only had two. The weather is extremely nice again with the temperature being sixty-seven degrees. We finally have our spring thaw and all the old snow is gone. In fact I saw a tree across the street starting to bud. I believe it was a birch. In the news the Soviets proposed a peace plan for the withdrawal of Iraqi troops from Kuwait. It doesn’t seem likely that “John Wayne” Bush will accept anything short of the total destruction of Saddam Hussein and the undying hatred of Muslims towards Americans. I just stayed home and ate the last of my cornbread with my pea porridge. I cooked up a pot of beans that will get me through the weekend. It’s a whole week before I can write a check. I really hate getting paid only once a month, I watched the Marx Brothers in Animal Crackers tonight. Kendra Souter called me back returning a phone call I had made to her about doing an interview on Beyond Stonewall for a women’s resource guide. Antonia dela Guerra and Kathy Worthington are printing up an Out and About Resource Guide for the Women’s community. Kendra however said she is taking the break up with Gail Scott pretty well.

Additional Material

·         Health department: State director denies charges, says there are restrictions on allocation. IS AGENCY HOARDING FUNDING FOR AIDS? By JoAnn Jacobsen-Wells and Ellen Fagg, Staff Writers The Utah Department of Health is hoarding AIDS funds at the expense of local agencies, according to critics. The Utah Association of Local Health Officers as well as the Utah AIDS Foundation say more state and federal money should be spent for grass root programs. But Dr. Suzanne Dandoy, health department executive director, says there are restrictions on the allocation of federal funds -restrictions that have been explained to the association and foundation. What you're seeing is an internal family squabble. The current disagreement is one that has been prompted by some gaps in communication on both sides," Dandoy said. "State and local health departments always have disagreements in every state. But both are important parts of the public health delivery system." In a stinging letter, William J. Coffman, association president, says that Dandoy treats them as "wayward stepchildren." Her leadership style is based on a "condescending, offensive attitude." "We are particularly troubled by the fact that, in spite of urgent funding needs at the local level, the state AIDS budget has consistently hoarded large year-end surpluses," wrote Coffman, who is director of the southwest health district in Cedar City. "The bloated state program is particularly offensive in light of its ineffectiveness. Surely you are aware that the AIDS program does not have a good reputation or working relationship with community-based organizations or members of the medical community." The five-page letter to Dandoy dated Dec. 18, 1990, was authorized by the association's 12 members. Coffman said although he wrote and signed the letter, it represents the opinions of the majority of local health officers. The letter charges that Dandoy says she supports local health programs but fosters an attitude of "you against us." "It is true that we have had difficult relations both with the community-based organizations and with local health departments over the distribution of AIDS funding," Dandoy said. "We have attempted to improve that relationship through a number of meetings and explanations but have not been totally successful. I personally have tried to be available to work out the problem with them but can only do so if they will address the issues face to face rather than writing letters." Dandoy says what the groups don't understand is that "we do not have complete freedom in how to allocate the money given to us by the federal government." Additionally, the term "surplus" is misleading. The federal Centers for Disease annually "takes into consideration what we have left over and builds on to our existing budget," she said. Local health officials aren't satisfied. While they receive mandates from the Legislature to provide more services, state funds are used to hire more state bureaucrats, Coffman said in a telephone interview. Dandoy won't allow staff members in the state's local health liaison office to work on local health issues. "There's never been a clarity on what exactly that office does. Every time we think we can rely on them or use them for some purpose, she (Dandoy) is blown out of shape and she goes on attack. None of us are sure what exactly their roles are. "In December, Dandoy established a new Bureau on AIDS Prevention and Control "with new leadership in an attempt to be more responsive to community needs. "But several local health officials view the reorganization as "a small, positive step in the right direction." "There have been some really serious conflicts that are not being resolved to my satisfaction," said Dr. Harry Gibbons, director, Salt Lake City/County Health Department. Gibbons wants a larger share of funding available for direct services, such as educational and prevention programs, at the local level. So does Ben Barr, executive director of the Utah AIDS Foundation. "If you look at where the department puts its money, it tells you what their priorities are. Their commitment certainly isn't funding community projects." According to Barr, the New Mexico AIDS Foundation, which conducts similar programs to its Utah counterpart, receives 32 percent of its funding from the New Mexico Department of Health. The Utah AIDS Foundation gets $10,000 - approximately 3 percent of its annual budget - from the state health department. Last year the health department received $121,700 from the Legislature to provide prescription drugs for AIDS patients. Of that, approximately $70,000 was carried forward to the current year to be used for AIDS activities. Barr wants a commitment that the money will be used for patients - not for administrative purposes. The state AIDS Advisory Committee has also recommended that the health department use the new "Ryan White" federal money to fund work on a community basis. Barr said about $140,000 of the approximate $199,000 grant could be available to fund local projects.

   

22 February 1991 Friday

 It was a beautiful day. I just wish I could get some energy going. I’ve got the “one more month of winter” blahs.  At home. Chuck Whyte talked to me on his new phone line. He needed help with his laundry, getting some new shoes, and buying a new phone. He paid me back the $20 he owed me of which I put $10 of it into my gas tank at $1.01 a gallon. I borrowed $20 from him this time to go grocery shopping.  We did his laundry at my place and later went and picked up Jimmy Hamamoto and Bobbie Smith for us all to go do some grocery shopping at ten at night. I said that it’s a sad commentary on us that we have to be out grocery shopping instead of going out on dates. But in truth it was fun just being with them. I talked to Becky Moss today and she said she has been deathly ill with her asthma during this awful haze and smog we had last week. She said she even had stopped breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital. She’s much better now but still under a lot of stress. President Bush is going to commit the troops to a ground war tomorrow at noon. In the Daily Chronicle, there was a huge article on the cruising going on in Orson Spenser Hall.  Fuck them. I am glad to irritate heterosexual men as they irritate the hell out of me.

 

23 February 1991 Saturday

I am still feeling a little down, but I was able to get the place cleaned. I went to the store and bought a few more groceries I missed last night, I feel satisfied now that I’ll be okay until payday. In the news the ground war to liberate Kuwait from the Iraqis is in full force now.

Additional Material

·         John Martin was assaulted by two men, Troy Perry and Scott Angus, while their friend an off duty police officer Roger Williams watched and did nothing. 

Dear Bridge, Officer Roger Williams. What a title! It should read Homophobe Asshole Roger Williams. I’m sure you’re aware of the Gay bashing incident on February 23rd when Office Williams dropped his pals “Troy Perry” and Scott Angus” to find trouble on 3rd South and then just watched as they beat up a Gay male and vandalized his vehicle.  I think he should step on and find another profession.  I regret paying any taxes that aided Williams in anyway.., whether it be the cop car he rides in, or the issues he defends.  He gives this state a bad name.  If I ever run across this poor excuse for a man, I’ll let him know my opinion.  You're a menace to society Mr. Williams. As for Troy Perry and Scott Angus, you aren’t worth the time it takes to write your names.  It would be nice to have the media (or the police department) stand up for us in this matter. I’d love to see this issue splattered in the news just like the Los Angeles videotaped beating a few weeks ago.  That would be more justice than a 10 day suspension (in honest terms “a slap on the hand”)  Ahh …I feel better now. And you officer? Signed purely disgusted Kenneth Olsen.

·         I’m with you Kenneth.  If anyone of us were caught or implicated in something that were a violation of our career ethics, no matter how trifling, we would lose our jobs.  No one would have to tell our boss to discipline us.  If a doctor watched while someone were sick or injured, he would lose his license and might face criminal charges.  A lawyer, a real estate broker are all bound by a code of ethics. People have no ethics?  A police officer implicated in criminal activity has no right to any job on the force, not even behind a desk. Zero tolerance. Impound the cars, houses or boats) they are reusing. If their superiors treated it seriously (and their pensions were on the line), fewer abuses would occur.  When the police protest the public as well as they protect each other, they may begin to earn the public trust. (The Bridge)

 

24 February 1991 Sunday

Robert Olson, who I met last Monday, called me this afternoon and wanted to get together again and we did. Robert and I fucked each other and it was fun. This is the first time that I actually fucked someone and then was fucked by him in return. It was a lot of fun. I hope we turn into fuck buddies but it’s left up to him. Later Chuck Whyte wanted to go up to the sauna at the U of U hyper building.  We stayed up at the sauna until three and then I had to come home and get ready to read Ron Priddis’ medicine cards. Ron was once Elbert Peck’s roommate at BYU and helped start the 9^th Street Press newspaper down in Provo.  Ron and I visited for an hour and a half before we even began the reading. He works for Signature Books with his lover Gary Bergera.  Anyway his Faerie name is Dolphin ad his main totem is the Eagle.

 

25 February 1991 Monday

 I went back to school today. It seemed like a short weekend since Saturday I went to an In-Service class at Woods Cross high School on “The Learn Project.”  It was a short day with early out and in the afternoon the Teacher’s Union was coming up with a response to the state’s continual lack of funding for education. I just went home because I am not going to strike. I’m sick of the yo-yoing. I want to teach not strike for money as it doesn’t do a bit of good. In the evening I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union as I haven’t been up there since the new leadership of Brad and David. The topic was alternative options for Gays to create family units. Dave Sharpton was at the meeting and it was good to see him up and about but he was frail looking compared to what he once was. At home I taped a Bill Moyer and Campbell’s Origin of Myths program.

 

26 February 1991 Tuesday

I am so glad to see February go. I’m ready for Spring. I’m really starting to be conscious of eliminated fat from my diet. Starting March 1^st I’m  going on a low fat lifestyle. In the evening some friends of John Crapo, Todd Bennett and George Henry, came over to have their medicine cards read. Nice guys both of them and I think they will be a positive influence on the Faeries. George is a black 11^th grade U.S. History teacher while Todd is white and I’m not sure what he does for a living but I am glad they came. George’s main totem is Mouse and Todd’s totem is Owl. They both enjoyed themselves too. It was a very draining evening, however, doing two readings but I am glad I did. I taped another episode of the Origin of Myths tonight. Kuwait City is liberated and the Iraqi army is in route.

 

27 February 1991 Wednesday

I am really tired today and I have an infection in my gland down from my right ear to my throat. Not a killer pain, just sore. In the evening Richard McCall known by the name  “Ragnar” came over to have his medicine cards read. His main totem is Elk.  He’s in a coven with Becky Moss.

 

28 February 1991 Thursday

It’s the last day of the month and I am certainly glad to see it go, although I know I’m wishing my life away. This month has been hard as I’ve been so broke with having to fix the van but the Goddess provided with a little help from my friends. Coming home from Orchard, I cleaned my house and at five o’clock, Robert Olson called and wanted to come over again. He’s turning into a nice fuck buddy so I said sure to keep the relationship going. He is fun to sleep with and I enjoy being fucked by him. He’s huge like Billy Bikowski and has the same body type. I can almost imagine what it would have felt like to have been fucked by Billy. However Robert is a much nicer guy and we are really compatible sexually. We fucked until seven and then I hurried off to the second meeting of Queer Nation. Well there’s some question whether it is the 2^nd meeting or not as some woman named Melanie Bailey said she’s been meeting with another group six times already. She said she had already established a bank account and bought tee shirts for the Queer Nation group she belongs to. She was very abrasive and somewhat hostile, I thought, but of course that is always just insecurity speaking. But she did manage to put off many people at this meeting. Paige from the Friend’s Meeting helped us understand the consensus process as we agreed that it is the principle on how the group should operate on making decisions.  The people I knew who there were Garth Chamberlain, Val Mansfield, Andy Dalrymple, Michael Aaron, Devin Hanson, Matt Landis, Rocky O’Donovan, Kevin Warren, Marlin Criddle, Nancy Perez, Gary Boren, Ron Richardson, and Curtis Jensen. Others there that I really didn’t know were two young butch Lesbians, Toni and Laura, and then Melanie Bailey and her lover. We basically talked how we felt about non violence actions. Garth was there being oh so nice, saying how he didn’t think he could support a group that wasn’t nice. However most of the meeting time I felt was taken up by the personality clash between Rocky and Melanie. I was home by ten o’clock and In-Bed by ten thirty. I enjoyed the meeting but don’t know if I can do more than help raise Gay consciousness as being in the position of an elementary school teacher will prevent me being as active I’d like.  Last night I had the weirdest dream that Mr. Stanger allowed these religious fanatics into my classroom to look for signs of Satanism in the curriculum. Bizarre. Goodbye February. I’m leaving it the way I found it; feeling run down. The president declared victory in the Persian Gulf. I feel like I’ve gone through the Looking Glass.

March

1 March 1991 Friday

I got paid today and cleared about $1,200 after taxes but I owe $100 from last month to the Beyond Stonewall Account. I paid rent today $375. I need to find something cheaper. I went to the community council this evening. No real drama or fights tonight. Office Dave Ward said that the police are having an internal affairs investigation over an incident that happened last week at Broadway and Main. Michael Aaron filled in the details. Some guys bashed a man but he was able to get the license plate number which was a personalized plate BIG MUD. It was traced back to a cop and the victim pulled him out of a line up. Officer Ward felt sheepish telling us about the report. I think he’s just beginning to realize the amount of hate directed at us even by the police. Craig Miller was elected chair of the Stonewall Community Center since Charlene Orchard has resigned. The Gay and Lesbian Utah Democrats almost got through the Hate Crimes Bill. They are confident that they will be able to pass it through next year’s session. There’s a People with AIDS National Coalition Conference here in Salt Lake City in April. Robert Rosvall is the new director of the Stop AIDS Project. Robert Austin is now the assistant director of the Utah AIDS Foundation. I received more money tonight for the Beyond Stonewall Retreat. Robert Rosvall paid $75 in full and Neil Hoyt paid $45 on his and Don Glenn Jenny’s account. Marlin Criddle paid $50 on his and his lover, David Turner’s, account. I didn’t stay out late after the meeting. I am still feeling run down, I have an infection in my glands beneath my right ear. It’s irritating more than miserable.

Additional Material

·         The Utah Gay Rodeo Association went to The Last Call Bar in Pocatello, Idaho for their annual “shindig” with performances by Wilda Beast, Miss UGRA. (Bridge May 1991)

·         Kathy Worthington publishes first issue of The Womyn’s Community News

·         The following letter was sent to us with no explanation.  It is a copy of a letter written to the Director of the National Association of PWA’s in Washington DC. Another Copy was sent to the Salt Lake Tribune, who found it (as we did) libelous and paranoid and chose therefore to disregard it.  This letter is not an attempt to discourage you from holding this year’s national conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. However it is a request that you immediately stop encouraging and cooperating with the extremely controversial local group which is now actively pushing for your choice of Salt Lake as the site of this year’s conference—Horizon House. Instead I recommend that you contact the local PWA Coalition UPWAC and the Utah AIDS Foundation (UAF) as possible contacts, sponsors and organizers.  Horizon House was founded by a disgruntled former employee of the UAF Dick Dotson and his lover Donald Stewart as a competing service organization for people with AIDS/ARC/HIV.  They are currently the co-directors of that organization.  Since Mr. Dotson was fired by the executive director of UAF Ben Barr, they have slandered him, among other things, accusation of embezzlement, and taking $100,000 a year salary—neither of which has any basis in fact.  Donald Stewart has also joined Evergreen Therapy group which is indirectly (yet strongly) supported by the Mormon Church whose goal is to turn homosexuals into heterosexuals.  Until very recent changes in US immigration laws, Mr. Stewart (an alien) faced deportation by the INS for being a homosexual.  Even now he could be conceivably be deported; not for being a homosexual but for perjury regarding his sexual orientation in the original papers he filed to get into and remain in this country.  Mr. Stewart is now trying to get a degree from BYU (the Mormon university) and would be kicked out if proven to advocate or otherwise practice homosexuality.  The self interest involved in proclaiming himself cured is obvious. Recently the publicly denounced the UAF as a Gay organization in a prominent article in the largest daily paper in Utah (The Salt Lake Tribune)  They made this charge even they and nearly all their clientele are Gay.  A large proportion of the services provided by the UAF are to heterosexuals. However, Mr. Dotson and Mr. Stewart know that by portraying the UAF as a Gay organization and thereby inferring that the Horizon House is not, they can appeal to and take advantage of local strong anti-Gay prejudice (reinforced heavily by the Mormon Church) to undermine the UAF and gain undeserved credibility, support, and funding from local population and the Mormon church.  Of course Mr. Stewart renouncing homosexuality—and his participation in the Evergreen Foundation—is clearly just one more ploy in their disingenuous scheme.  As further proof they hired Alan Seegmiller—a founder and major advocate and spokesman for the Evergreen Foundation, as well as an employee of the Mormon Church’s social services department—to run a support group.  It’s very clear that the Horizon House is intent on becoming a front organization for the Evergreen Foundation and thereby the Mormon Church.  It is also very clear that they have betrayed their fellow Gays and sold out for the sake of promoting their own organization and careers in Utah by pandering to popular anti-Gay prejudice.  They are taking advantage of the magnified vulnerabilities and fears of Gay people with AIDS/ARC/HIV especially those Gays who were previously indoctrinated to hate themselves in the Mormon Church, and who are only looking for some peace and acceptance before they die.  Mr. Dotson’s and Mr. Stewart’s (and Mr. Seegmiller’s) willingness to hide behind sick and dying people in order to perpetuate a public fraud gives you an idea of the extent of their depravity.  When I asked employees of the UAF why they refused to respond to public allegations of the Horizon House directors, they told me in essence that they would simply not be drawn into public mudslinging with Mr. Dotson and Mr. Stewart, and thereby stoop to their level.  Instead, they would continue to emphasize the programs and services provided and try to educate the public in a positive and productive way.  I on the other hand have no misgivings about pointing out their public fraud and betrayal of the Gay community.  Please do not cooperate with them any further.  Besides, even if you were to plan to use their facilities for any part of your conference, it is completely uncertain whether they would be available once you arrived—because the present location of the Horizon House is in violation of local zoning ordinances—Stuart McDonald----

·         Dear Stuart, How can we have too many AIDS service organizations? Are PWAs just swamped with would be buddies, too much support (financially, emotionally), and too many ways to spend an evening? What are competing organizations?  Makes them sound like shoe stores. Get a name brand. The only information that turned out to be completely factual in your letter is that Dick and Donald are lovers. And not reformed or reformer lovers. I have known Donald for several years and never have thought of him as the reformer type.  He has always been openly, flamboyantly Gay.  Even when he was a student at BYU,  which he is no longer. There are more harm in half truths than whole lies.  Horizon House is the local sponsor of the conference.  It will be held April 11th-14th at the Clarion Hotel.  The PWA Coalition was contacted about hosting the conference, since Donald Stewart and David Sharpton made their first overtures to host the conference while both were working there.  The new director declined.  The Horizon House is open to various segments of the Salt Lake Community. They offer free meeting space to such organizations as Utah Gay and Lesbian Youth Group.  Donald Stewart and Dick Dotson are not the Horizon House. They are members of a 15 member board of directors.  Donald Stewart attended one Evergreen Meeting out of curiosity (and he says he saw familiar, hopefully just curious, faces there. Alan Seegmiller volunteered (the Horizon House has no employees and so cannot hire) as one of two facilitators of a meeting for Mormon families of PWAs.  It was understood by him that he take no referrals for Evergreen. His participation was discontinued after one meeting. Dick Dotson said that he accused Ben Barr of “mismanagement of Money” not embezzlement which when Dick was a full time volunteer at UAF, resulted out of an argument over what a certain fund should be spent on.  Mr. McDonald I must wonder a little at your letter.  If your information were correct you letter writing campaign still serves no purpose other than to stop the PWA Conference from coming to Salt Lake, and “out” a closeted unhappy homosexual and possibly get him deported.  Perhaps even if Horizon House were improperly zoned you could oust all the groups who meet or receive services there (that’s lofty goal). Which of these was your original intent sir?-The Bridge

 

2 March 1991 Saturday

It was a busy day today. I was up early to clean the place but at noon I called Bobbie Smith to see if he wanted to go up to the sauna with me for a type of sweat lodge ceremony. We were there until 2:30, then we went back to his apartment in Del Mar Court. There I worked on a facilitator form for Debbie Rosenberg and printed up new registration forms for Beyond Stonewall. That took a while trying to work the computer so it would print the way I wanted it to do. Beauchaine called me today. We got the annex next to the old Aardvark Cabaret for a meeting place for Unconditional Support. We are meeting there next Thursday at seven. I also told him about the Guadalupe Center being up for sale for $100,000. It’s an old ward house with tones of space. At 6:30 Bobbie and I were back at my place for the Sacred Faerie Horny Moon Circle which started at seven. It’s a men’s only ritual and in attendance were Mark Hansen [Cactus Wren], Harold Jones [Silver Fox], Jimmy Hamamoto [Fuku], Rocky O’Donovan [Kyle Sky Bear], Bobbie Smith [Gillian], Mark Angus [Asparagus], Todd Bennett [Seer In the Dark], Erick Meyers [Buffalo Song], Ron Priddis [Dolphin], Scott Spinks [Jasper Nightshade], J.P. [Magic Raven], and myself Gayflower. It was a very powerful night full of song, dance, ritual, and magick. The circle lasted until ten. We did a men’s power ritual and we birthed Silver Fox and Jasper Nightshade tonight. Lot’s of powerful magick tonight, and I’m exhausted.

 

3 March 1991 Sunday

I’m just exhausted from yesterday’s powerful ritual. Jeff Wood and I went out looking at houses for sale. We are toying with the idea of buying a house together. Mark Lamar called today finally. He’s been on my mind so much lately. He and his Bill are living in Houston Texas now. He’s fine and I’m relieved. I went to a Queer Nation meeting up at the university today at two. I think most issues are resolved and there will be one tribe in Utah instead of two. We officially adopted the name Qutah for our tribe. There’s a protest planned to be held at the April LDS Conference. Supposedly 150 Queers from the West Coast are coming to Utah for the event. After the meeting I went to Affirmation but only stayed until six so I could go do a radio program at KRCL. Becky Moss did three shows but I only recorded two. One was on the community council and one was on coming out for the Spring Equinox. Debbie Rosenberg, Carla Gourdin, and Erick Meyers did the third program with Becky. It’s been a busy weekend. When I went to the store, I bought a month supply of cat food for Billy Cat. So now if I run out of money before the end of the month, at least Billy will eat. I’ve had the strangest dreams lately about school. Last Wednesday I dreamt that Mr. Stanger let two parents monitor my classroom for evidence of Satanism and last night I dreamt I was accused of showing porno to my kids. What’s going on in my head? Being a school teacher and a Gay activist must be in conflict in my subconscious.

 

4 March 1991 Monday

I went back to work today. I’ve a lot of fatigue lately. I seem to be tired all the time. Maybe I need Geritol. Gawd I am middle aged! Anyway I had the kids do theme bulletin-Boards for most of the day and they turned out really cute. They needed and I needed a break from the same routine. I’ve been driving them pretty hard in their studies. There’s just March, April, and May left for the year. Barbara DaLuca brought me some medicine for my ear infection after I came home. She’s a sweet heart. Jeff Wood and I talked for a while. He’s got the “I aint got nobody who wants me” blues again. It must be chemical. I think Jeff’s deep rooted problem is still his self loathing for being Gay and being unable to develop a spiritual inner peace. He is still seeking an outside fix. Perhaps we all have the same condition to varying degrees. You can’t live in a homophobic, oppressive society, which is also sexist and patriarchal, without having some dysfunctional behavior. Jeff found out more about a little house that we looked at together. Something to do, I suppose. My house is getting messy. I need to do some wash and get at the kitchen. In the evening I was going to go to LGSU. I really was but I stopped off at Bob Waldrop’s place to visit about Queer Nation and see the business he wants to get into selling Hindu Indian imports. I also wanted to see his cute roommate Shawn. I ended up staying and visiting all evening. Robert Olson, my fuck buddy, called me right before leaving the house. He’s coming over next Sunday. Tomorrow I have a Beyond Stonewall Meeting. On Wednesday I am reading Barbara DaLuca’s cards and on Thursday I am going over to Bobbie Smith’s to print up more Beyond Stonewall flyers. Also Unconditional Support is scheduled to start back up then and I want to be there for that. On Friday I’d like to go up to the University of Utah to see the Saliva Sisters perform. Maybe on Saturday I’ll ask cute Shawn out. So I have my week planned out.  I had a lonesome dream about Billy Bikowski last night. He seems now so far away and so long ago. He’s a sweet bitter memory, receding into a hidden treasure chest along with the other sparkling gems; John Cunningham, Bill Hall, Mike Allred, Larry Copenhagen, Gary Ratliff, and Russ Lane, the men I have loved with my heart and not just my dick. Why didn’t I include Terry Johnson? Not sure. Did I love him? I’m not sure. If so, not enough. Maybe he didn’t shine enough and was glass and not a diamond. 

 

5 March 1991 Tuesday

It’s been very blustery out for the past couple of days and today it’s been sprinkling. After school I went over to Chuck Whyte’s place to pick him up for our Beyond Stonewall Meeting as he is the treasurer. We went over to Debbie Rosenberg and Carla Gourdin’s place for the meeting. I had given Deb some assignments to call about the cost of advertising. Kendra Souter wasn’t able to attend the meeting. I think her heart is still sore. We agreed to buy a full page ad in the Pride Day brochure but to not do much with The Bridge Magazine except perhaps put in a classified ad.  Chuck said we have about $526 in our account right now. The meeting only lasted an hour and our next meeting is scheduled for April 9^th. I also got the feeling tonight that Debbie and Carla may be going their own way with the Sacred Faeries,  and may split off. I don’t have any real objections to it and perhaps it might even be a good thing to have two groups going. I think accessibility for Carla’s wheelchair and celebrating different days for the rituals may be a reason for the two groups, not a split over personalities. Although I know that Carla and Debbie are no fans of Rocky O’Donovan. Let the Goddess flow in us and through us. I watched some of Robert Bly’s “A Gathering of Men”, tonight.

Additional Material

·         KILLER MAY NOT FACE TRIAL ON 6 CHARGES The Millard County attorney's office has filed motions to dismiss several charges against a Utah State Prison inmate who was convicted of the brutal slaying of a Delta man in November 1989. Because Michael Anthony Archuleta was given the death penalty, it was decided to drop other charges, said County Attorney LeRay Jackson. He that said the motion was filed "without prejudice" so that the county could refile the charges if Archuleta should be successful in winning an appeal. "It's a balanced test of whether it's worth the money to spend to pile other convictions on top of a death sentence," Jackson said. Archuleta and a companion, Lance Conway Wood, were originally charged with six crimes in addition to the murder of Gordon Ray Church. These included aggravated kidnapping, aggravated sexual assault, object rape, forcible sexual abuse, aggravated assault and possession of a stolen motor vehicle. The two men were tried separately in 4th District Court and juries found them both guilty of killing Church, who was attending Southern Utah State College in Cedar City when the crime was committed. Archuleta was sentenced to die and Wood was sentenced to life in prison.

 

6 March 1991 Wednesday

My throat is really sore and tender. I’m not sure if the anti-biotics Barbara DaLuca gave me are really working. After school I straightened up the place to get ready for the card readings. Barbara and her friend came over about six and stayed until nine thirty. I did two readings and I am really tired. Barbara’s totem is the Fox like Carla Gourdin, and Barbara’s friend’s totem is the moose. I went to bed fairly early after they left. I almost went to the FHP health clinic over my throat. If I would have finished reading the cards sooner, I would have. I had another lonesome dream about Billy last night. I hope I don’t for the rest of my life. I only see him in my dreams now. The Troops are coming home from the Persian Gulf. All in all it was “A Splendid Little War.” I’m so sick of American jingoism. My friend John Shellinger from KRCL said he’s migrating to Australia to stop paying for America’s war machine. Mike Pipkin has moved back down to Moab again and it’s good to know that Mark Lamar is alive. Change and decay in the entire world I see. O Thou who changes not abide with me.

 

7 March 1991 Thursday

After work I went straight over to Bobbie Smith’s to use his computer and print out new registration forms. That took a little while so we just went to Unconditional Support from there. We met at the annex north of the old Aardvark’s and there were about five of us for our first start up meeting. In attendance were Bobbie Smith, Beauchaine, Alfredo [Beauchaine’s roommate], myself and another kid named Jim Ingles who came up from Utah Valley. It takes time to reactivate things. I have some ambivalence about starting the group back up again as that organizations have a shelf life. But I’ll let Providence guide. Bobbie and I will be co directors for a while at least.

Additional Material

·         RAISED FUNDS WILL GO TO VARIETY OF PROJECTS By Ivan M. Lincoln Utah AIDS Foundation programs to be benefited by the fund-raiser next Sunday at Tivoli Gallery include a food bank open to anyone who has tested HIV-positive, a recently initiated hot-meals delivery program,  coordinated with LDS Hospital and the Salvation Army; a variety of counseling and referral services; an ongoing community education project used by the Junior League, Rotary Club, public schools, churches and health-care professionals, and legal services. The foundation also coordinates care and services for other agencies and groups throughout the state that are providing assistance to HIV-positive individuals. Richard Nelson, who is shortly leaving his post with the UAF as associate director, said during a recent interview that the foundation's big concern during the next few months is preparing for when the third wave of HIV-positive cases surfaces in Utah's smaller towns and communities. While Salt Lake City is better equipped to handle such incidents, Nelson said there has been no statewide planning on how small towns will eventually cope with the situation. "Just two or three HIV cases could financially cripple a small hospital. Their social services infrastructures are not equipped for this," he said. Nelson added that while some local, state and national funding has helped the foundation initially (including compassionate support from the Junior League, the Episcopal Church, individual donors and a one-time grant from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation), 1991 will be a benchmark year for the UAF in addressing its ongoing financial needs. "This is the year that Utah's businesses and charitable organizations will demonstrate their awareness and compassion with their support for the Utah AIDS Foundation," Nelson says. One crisis being faced by the UAF is that while Utah has been labeled a "low incidence area" - because the statistics are based only on HIV-positive cases resulting from Utah tests - the actual need for services is increasing at a much faster rate due to the high number of AIDS-infected people moving here from outside the state. Ben Barr is executive director of the Utah AIDS Foundation, with Robert Austin as the new associate director, replacing Nelson when he leaves. The foundation sponsors a number of important programs. Don Austin, director of UAF's Client Services, and Thalie Oakes, a social worker, are involved with individual and group counseling. They're assisted by interns from the University of Utah and Westminster College. The foundation also relies heavily on support from more than 400 volunteers who, collectively, donated some 35,000 hours of time during 1990.

 

8 March 1991 Friday

I am just worn out at school. My right ear gland is infected or has a virus in it. The kids were on a toot too, which didn’t help matters. I got my federal Tax Return back the other day. It was for $240. That and a $25 check I received for attending an In Service Class, I took to Farmington and opened a Savings Account  at my Credit Union. I’m going to have payroll deduct $75 each pay period from my check and put in savings. I don’t want to go through again what I did in February. Besides, I need to start thinking about buying a house and a new car. In the evening I went up to the University of Utah to attend a Women’s Week Concert featuring the Saliva Sisters and a duo singing act, Maggie and Julie. I sat with Kathryn Warner and Gail Scott. It’s the first time I’ve seen them since Gail’s break up with Kendra Souter. I mentioned the Easter Sabbat and invited them to come.

 

9 March 1991 Saturday

I stayed home most of the day cleaning house, doing my laundry, and taping movies to watch later. I also paid a lot of my bills. I am still not feeling up to snuff. This virus has located itself in my right gland and is going down into my larynx . I’m afraid I might be even losing my voice. I did get out the house to go make 200 copies of Beyond Stonewall Registration forms. In the evening I watched Barbra Streisand’s  “On a Clear Day”.   Reincarnation is a tenant of Faerie Beliefs. I went to bed at ten but then Jeff Wood called waking me up wanting a number for the Anti-Violence Project. He said something about some Gay students at the University of Utah being attacked. I don’t know why everyone calls me as a referral directory. I guess I am on the pity pot.  Seems like I’m always giving but little is returning. May be it’s time to do some evaluating of my life.

 

10 March 1991 Sunday

I watched a lot of TV today while anticipating Robert Olson coming over but he didn’t until much later in the evening. So in the afternoon I went out to Price Savers and bought some supplies I needed. I also bought some more VCR tapes. I went up to the U of U to sweat in the sauna but found that they are getting picky now, wanting people to show their student ID cards so I had to sneak in. I think it’s an overall crack down on Gays on campus.  Anyway I went to Affirmation where Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen led a discussion on Gay marriage. I think they held their own. Not that they need my validation or approval. I think I see their marriage differently than I did before. I don’t see it as a purely political statement on the part of Rocky like I did. I now think they wanted the mystical transcendental experience that comes from a public statement of love and commitment. Brett Marshall registered for Beyond Stonewall and paid $75 in full. When I came home I started fixing chips and dip when Robert called and wanted to know if he could still come over which he did about 8:30. We made love until 10:30. I fucked him and then he fucked me. He said he loves to fuck me and why not? I’m a great fuck, not to mention a truly wonderful human being.

 

11 March 1991 Monday

I am really run down. I left for work early today because of a huge storm that was supposed to blow in. While it did rain, sleet, hail, and snow, it wasn’t anything like what was predicted. My gland in my throat is so tender and sore. I’m afraid I’m losing my voice. I’ve got to go see a doctor. Every time I swallow, the muscles in my throat are so enflamed. At home my cable box went on the blink this morning but when I returned there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Go figure. Anyway I just stayed home and watched “Batman” and “Driving Miss Daisy” before going to bed. I did not have any energy to go up to Lesbian and Gay Student Union. Debbie Rosenberg came by while I was at school and we visited some. I told her that I was reluctant to spend our Beyond Stonewall money we’ve saved on an Ad for Pride Day because of the cost. It would leave us with no money left in our budget. Chuck Whyte told me he is real nervous about how Gay Pride Day is being handled this year but I told him it will be great.

 

12 March 1991 Tuesday

I was so miserable at work today that I made arrangement to take the next two days off. I really need to get to a doctor because now my voice is gone and my glands are so sore.  I better see what is wrong before I get even sicker. I the evening, I just stayed home and went to bed fairly early. The weather is spotty. Cold one day and warm the next.

 

13 March 1991 Wednesday

I called FHP this morning. I was able to see Dr. Wayne Crawford at 1:45 this afternoon. I decided to go down to KRCL to help out with the Radio-Thon at noon even though my voice was gone. Debbie Rosenberg and Becky Moss were doing the program as well as Carla Gourdin. Becky Moss was excited that I was down to help out. Concerning Gays and Lesbians’ goal was to have seventeen callers pledging $500 for our half hour show. That was up $125 from last year. We were thrilled to pieces when the phones began ringing and then were nonstop throughout our program. We managed to raise $960. Dave Young, the station manager and Donna Maldonado the program manager were shocked, I think, at the popularity of our show and what a drawing power our program is within the Gay community. I donated $40 because I said, “I’m not going to let us not reach a $1000. It was really amazing. I got a Lion of Zion tee-shirt for my pledge. I think that this demonstrates that Concerning Gays and Lesbians has a loyal following and we can hold our own with any other public service program. Right afterwards, I went to FHP on Redwood Road and 21^st South where I saw Dr. Crawford. He said I have a virus and there’s just not a whole lot I can do about it but rest. I was given some anti-biotics for any secondary infections I may have from being so worn down. I told Dr. Crawford that my urine stung when I peed and it was tested but no STD was found. I was slightly concerned about gonorrhea but I guess I am clean. Anyway stopping at the post office I was shocked to find out that Utah was now claiming I owe over $3000 in back taxes and interest from 1985, 1986, and 1987. When will this nightmare end? I am so tired of them trying to get at me. However I feel that I can get it down to $1000 as I wasn’t even a resident of Utah in 1985 when they say I owe them $2500. It is very discouraging, let me tell you. But thank the goddess I’m not Willie Nelson, the country singer who owes something like $16 million. Well there goes any thoughts about buying a new car in April. I can’t afford it now. In the evening I went to the Youth Group to promote Beyond Stonewall. They had about thirty five people there and Melissa Sillitoe did a lesson on political correctness the new buzzword. After the meeting this beautiful long haired blond boy named Butch told me that he and his friends were attacked on Monday while hanging out at Broadway and Main by a man whose description sounds very much like Marty Withers who murdered Darrell Webber in 1989. I called the Anti-Violence Project hot line to report the attack.

 

14 March 1991 Thursday

I’m feeling better but still listless. I talked to Bobbie Smith this morning. He said the national conference for People With AIDS Association canceled their conference in Salt Lake City because of an awful article that appeared in The Bridge Magazine attacking the Horizon House and in particular Donald Steward and Dick Dotson. The attack was written by Stuart McDonald. Bobbie also said that the internal investigation of a police officer who participated in a Gay bashing finally made the newspaper and was on all the major news stations. John Martin was the man attacked and is a Gay activist who wasn’t going to take the abuse anymore. I am really proud of him. The police officer is Roger Williams. Well I went down to the State Tax Commission and yes I will have to pay about $200 in Taxes from 1987 and about $500 from 1986 but 1985 will be much less. How much less who knows until I can get a copy of my tax forms from the IRS. Later I went to the public library to look up some New Age information and to look at Sharon Alderman’s weaving exhibition on the 3^rd level. I ended up meeting this guy named Dan Witteboe who reminded me a lot of Russ Lane. It was kind of interesting talking to him and when I told him I was Gay he said he wasn’t but wanted to be friends. I told him that I thought that it probably wouldn’t be such a good idea as while I feel comfortable with him, I don’t think he would eventually be comfortable with me as that I found him attractive. I’m still feeling down from the virus I have, but did make it to the second meeting of Unconditional Support. Bill Anderson, his lover Scott, Larry Hillman, Bobbie Smith, Jim Ingles, Alfredo, Beauchaine and myself were in attendance. We are still just having random topics ad it feels good to be having Unconditional Support again.

 

15 March 1991 Friday

I did not want to go back to school but since I didn’t have any lesson plans prepared I had to go in. Also I had to get something planned for my evaluation by Mr. Stanger on Monday. Yesterday Larry Hillman paid $75 for his Beyond Stonewall registration. We now have 27 paid participants so far. We will need at least that many more to break even. After school, I just went home. I really did not do much except clean the house and watch TV until nine when Robert Olson called and wanted to come over. I wasn’t feeling real perky but I wanted to be available for him. I’m not in love with Robert but he’s a nice man. After I fucked him, he fucked me and then we talked a little bit . The Sacred Faeries came up in the conversation. I don’t know if Robert is into all that like I am. In the news the St. Patrick Parade in New York City is barring the Irish Gays and Lesbians from participating in the event.

 

16 March 1991 Saturday

I taped “Bye Bye Birdie” this morning and tried picking up the house, I was feeling better. Maybe the anti-biotics are kicking in and helping with any secondary infections. I went down to KRCL to see Jimmy Hamamoto and to help out with the Radio Thon. Jimmy does a program called All Weather Radio on Saturday which he does live playing music from the 1960’s. I really like Dave Young, the station manager and I think he’s impressed with me. I know he’s impressed that our program Concerning Gays and Lesbians raised $1000 in a half hour. Anyway I stayed at the station for three hours before going home to  do some housework. I didn’t go out tonight. I’m still listless but getting better. I was so surprised that my hay fever hasn’t kicked in yet but then nothing is really budding yet either. Today begins the Lilting moon cycle.

 

17 March 1991 Sunday

I read in the paper today that Mayor Dinkins marched with Gays and Lesbians in New York City after he made the St. Patrick Parade Committee accept them or lose city money. They were booed along the way and the people on the reviewing stand turned their backs to the Gays and Lesbians as the marched by. I mailed off payment notices to Beyond Stonewall participants. Also I let Debra Burrington, as a presenter, know that she could bring Charlene Orchard at the rate of $45 but not for free. I thought I said it very diplomatically. I also mailed off a form to get my 1985 tax records from the IRS. So that’s taken care of. In the afternoon, I went up to Affirmation to promote Beyond Stonewall and Willy Marshall was leading the meeting on some survey on Gay couples we did for Tomi Ann Roberts, this academic. Nothing real special.

Additional Material

·         Call For Participations In Psychological Study of the Emotional Lives of Gay and Lesbian Couples: Dr. Tomi Ann Roberts, formerly of Stanford, currently BYU, is seeking Gay and Lesbian couples  to participate in a two week study of the emotional lives of romantically involved couples. Participation is completely confidential. If you are involved in a committed same-sex relationship (cohabitation not required) and you are your partner  interested in participationg, please call. Note: This study is in no way connected to or designed to inform the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon)

·         "Art For Life," the silent and live art auction held last week at Tivoli Gallery, raised more than $15,000 for the Utah AIDS Foundation  - double the projected revenue. Mark Chambers, volunteer chair of the fund-raiser, expressed delight at the response of the community. "This money will be used to provide vitally important programs and services . including a hot meal delivery program," he said.  More than 50 artists donated their work. High bids were $1,575 for a Ken Baxter landscape in the live auction and $675 during the silent auction for a landscape by Randall Lake. Chambers said the AIDS Foundation is planning a similar event next year. (03/17/91 SL Tribune Page: E4)

 

18 March 1991 Monday

What an awful day. The kids were so hyper, so disruptive during my evaluation that Stanger is going to make me do it again-Because he said he’d have to give me a really low mark if I didn't. The kids weren’t on task for anything. The cup and straws, I brought in to show example of hardening of the arteries, were a joke. The kids were blowing bubbles, spilling the water, getting up out of their seats, and just being as disruptive as possible. If I didn’t dislike Stanger so much I think I could take his criticism better, but he is so cold, so distant, an authoritarian and a robot-tron Mormon to boot. Name calling. Boy that made me feel better. Not really. I was so discouraged today. After work I went to the Farmington office to get an application for a school transfer. Stanger is so unsupportive and always has been. The only consolation I have is that he’s close to retirement. Hell, he looks sixty five now. It was a bad day at Black Rock. I lowered the boom on the kids. They are grounded. No treats, parties, or fun activities.  I went to LGSU in the evening. Rocky O’Donovan showed a video tape that Rutger’s University shows to its freshmen at orientation about Gay people and homophobia. It’s a good step in the right direction. Bobbie Smith looked awfully tired. He said he wouldn’t be able to attend the next two Unconditional Support meetings because of scheduling conflicts with his work.

Additional Material

·         HATCH RECEIVES AWARDS FROM 2 GROUPS Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, has been given top awards by groups representing Jews and the blind. The American Jewish Committee gave him its Congressional Leadership Award last week for pushing the Hate Crime Statistics Act, which allows tracking trends nationally in crimes against racial, ethnic and religious groups. In a letter to him, the group said, "We believe that without your efforts, especially your skillful work on the floor of the Senate, this bill would not have become law." The American Foundation for the Blind honored Hatch, Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, and Rep. Steny Hoyer, D-Md., for their leadership in the recent passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act designed to end discrimination against the disabled. It wrote Hatch, "It is fitting that AFB honor you and your colleagues whose efforts so closely compliment those of our most famous employee, Helen Keller. In her long and illustrious career at AFB, Miss Keller championed similar landmark legislation."  © 1998 Deseret News Publishing Co.

 

19 March 1991 Tuesday

I wonder if the Swallows returned to Capistrano today. I wonder if love will ever return to me again. It was drizzling all day after such a pretty day yesterday.  Perhaps this was one of the reasons the kids went nuts as they are always wild right before a storm. They must be more sensitive to a low pressure front. I was after my kids a lot today. I put back up the conduct chart and started enforcing class discipline again. I should not have let it slip so much when I was unwell. That’s only a partial excuse. In the news Los Angeles’ cops severely beat this black man earlier this month and people are outraged. They want the chief of police to resign. Here in Salt Lake City a police officer aids and abets in the attack on a Gay man and nothing is done. Where is our outrage? In fact the police officer is allowed to be on duty following an internal investigation. I went to the public library tonight to look up some magic rituals and while there I saw Stan Rovig and Kevin Clark. That was a blast from the past. We visited some, catching up, and being silly about our infatuation with Matthew Modine. Well this is the last day of winter and Candlemas.

 

20 March 1991 Wednesday

The Autumnal Equinox Season of Easter begins today. My kids are still grounded and they know I’m still upset. It rained and misted for most of the day. It became Spring officially at eight this evening. It’s Mom and Dad’s forty-fifth anniversary also. At home at five Jeff Wood came over to have his medicine cards read. His main totem is Rabbit-Fear. Pretty appropriate. We didn't have any cards in common. He said he wants to join the Faeries however. After his reading, he took me to the Youth Group to meet this kid, Jan Chandler, to see if it was Marty Withers who had attacked them a week ago. Thank goodness it wasn’t because Withers is pure evil. It was some other nut.

 

21 March 1991 Thursday

Today was the end of the Third Term. Ten more weeks and school will be over. I’m more than ready for summer. Pat Buchanan, the new Lester Maddox, wrote a horribly anti-Gay column about the St. Patrick Parade. He called us Sodomites and how prejudice and discrimination is proper and morally justified when applied towards Gay people. Then locally Channel Four runs a story on how residents are going to try and shut down Memory Grove to cruising by Gay people. Also the People With AIDS Conference was cancelled due to the nasty infighting between the Horizon House and the Utah AIDS Foundation. I guess it boils down to Dick Dotson and Stuart McDonald being assholes. I went to Unconditional Support tonight. We discussed homophobia and the process of coming out. About ten people were at the meeting including, Beauchaine, Grant Cheever, Larry Hillman and a friend of his, Jim Ingle, another new kid also named Jim, Bill Anderson, some guy from Mississippi, and myself. Bobbie Smith had to work tonight so I conducted the meeting.

Additional Material

·         AIDS Meet Picks D.C. Over S.L.   Feuding Between 2 Area Programs May Have Interfered, Says Group  Byline: Anne Wilson; Tribune Staff Writer   Page: B1  The National Association of People With  AIDS has decided to hold its annual general membership and board meeting in Washington, D.C., instead of Salt Lake City, partly because of a "power struggle" between local AIDS programs here.   "We felt that when we hold NAPWA board meetings we have to do the business of a board meeting," said Earl Thomas, president of NAPWA.   "If the political climate is stormy in the site we choose, that makes it more difficult to get our work done."   It's uncertain how many NAPWA members would have attended the meeting. NAPWA executive director Mike Merdian said the group has 114 chapters with membership ranging from200 to 3,000 members each.      Dick Gilliland, vice president of marketing for the Salt Lake Convention and Visitors Bureau, said he wasn't aware of the controversy and that his agency wasn't involved in the event.   "We don't get involved in social issues or politics," he said.   Another reason NAPWA decided to hold its meeting in Washington was because it recently relocated there and wanted board members to see the new office, Mr. Thomas said.   Mr. Merdian said the group was also concerned that the Salt Lake City organization that offered to host the national meeting "didn’t have the staff capacity" to handle it. NAPWA's decision not to visit Salt Lake in April was prompted by letters from Utah AIDS Foundation volunteer Stuart McDonald, urging NAPWA not to cooperate with Horizon House, a 6-month-old program for people with AIDS. NAPWA also received a letter from attorneys representing Horizon House, indicating they were considering a slander suit against Mr. McDonald.   "If there's a power struggle going on, it's going to affect the board meeting," Mr. Thomas said.   Horizon House, a volunteer program based in a residential Salt Lake home, was founded by Dick Dotson, a former volunteer with the Utah AIDS Foundation.   Mr. Dotson said he opened Horizon House because he believed there was a need for amore homelike environment for social gatherings, therapy programs therapy programs and educational seminars.   "I felt that we needed more service than what was being given. There would be no need for Horizon House if the AIDS Foundation was living up to their mission," he said. In an interview with The Tribune in September, Mr. Dotson also said some AIDS victims won't take advantage of foundation programs because it's perceived primarily as a gay organization.   That outraged some members of Utah's gay community, who saw Mr. Dotson's defection from the foundation as an attempt to build support for his program by pandering to "homophobia." "I really think they were trying to undercut the   foundation so they could take {its} place eventually," said Mr. McDonald, Salt Lake City. Of the state's 358 AIDS cases, 68 percent are homosexual or bisexual males.   Mr. McDonald claims Mr. Dotson's comments damaged the credibility of the Utah   AIDS Foundation, which he said offers programs for all victims of the disease, not just homosexuals. A street outreach program and an   AIDS hotline, which made 15,000 contacts last year, are among those programs. Ben Barr, director of the foundation, described Mr. McDonald as an "outspoken” individual who has a right to his opinion but wasn’t representing the agency in the letters. He said the foundation is now "working on building a positive relationship with Horizon House."   In a letter sent to NAPWA and The Tribune, Mr. McDonald alleged that "by portraying the UAF as a gay organization and thereby necessarily inferring that Horizon House is not a gay organization, they could appeal to and take advantage of local strong anti-gay prejudice{reinforced heavily by the Mormon Church} to undermine the UAF and gain undeserved credibility, support and funding from the local population and the Mormon Church." Donald Stewart, co-director of Horizon House, said the program has no ties to the Mormon Church but does offer a support group for Mormons with AIDS and their families. "What we're trying to say is, here in Utah you have to make the issue a little more palatable. If we can make life easier for families by speaking through the LDS context or a religious context I think it's our obligation," he said. Mr. Stewart said NAPWA's decision could hurt all Utah organizations competing for funds for AIDS programs.   "If any proposal comes out of Salt Lake City for the next year or two years, it's going to be a hot potato," he said. "If we could have gotten {NAPWA} to Salt Lake City to see what we're doing, it would have been a good public awareness thing on both sides of the fence." (03/21/91 SL Tribune Page: B1 )

 

22 March 1991 Friday

I am so glad this week is over. It was really a rough one. I just hope the kids have learned their lesson and will behave when I have my next performance evaluation. Today is Career Ladder day and I did manage to get all my report cards written out and completed. I’m glad I do not have to take any home to do over the weekend again. I talked to Stanger about coming in next Wednesday for my evaluation re-do. I know that the terrible dreams I had a couple of weeks ago were peering into the future about Stanger. I know he would not hesitate to fire me if he knew I was Gay and how involved I am in the community. I need to trust my own intuition and instincts better. Scott Robinson paid $75 in full for the Stonewall camp. We now have about thirty people attending. I shouldn’t be so nervous or  living in fear over the retreat as it will all work out.  I didn’t go out this evening but rather stayed home and scrubbed my house really good for tomorrow’s Easter Sabbat. I called a bunch of Faeries  to remind them so who will show is up to the goddess.

 

23 March 1991 Saturday

We celebrated the Vernal Equinox this evening in high spirits and I was busy all day. I spent about $40 on candles, incense, and groceries for tonight. I am making for the feast, rice with onions and mushrooms, broccoli and Carrots, spinach, and boiling about 25 eggs to decorate. The house looked good and I smoked it with sage to purify it when people started coming over. The womyn who showed were Debbie "Applestar" Rosenberg, Carla "Spirit Dancer" Gourdin, Luci "Lucia"  Malin, Kendra "Ursis Heribulis" Souter, and Kathryn "Luna" Warner. Ursis left after the feasting because she was depressed and did not want to bring any negativity into the circle. Luna left later during the ritual because her back was hurting her. The Mehn at the gathering were Jimmy "Fuku" Hamamoto, Rocky "Sky Bear" O'Donovan, Harold "Silver Fox" James, Todd "Nameless" Bennett, Ron "Dolphin" Priddis, George Henry, Jeff "Orchid"  Wood,  Mark "Asparagus" Angus, Mike "Wecca" King and Robert Olsen who I invited. Robert enjoyed himself so much that he wanted to have his cards read so he can attend next week’s Mehn's ritual. At one point Todd Bennett brushed up agains ana lighted candle that singed the back of his hair. He wasn't hurt and we started calling him "Flaming Hair". After this gathering I am convinced that feasting is a flop. We aren't much for socializing and eating. I think most people come for the rituals because once I opened the circle, things were hopping. We did some chanting and music making which was so powerful. I taught the group the significance of the eternal egg and did a spiral visualization. We also did a mother's blessing and then we blessed the bread and wine to celebrate the Queen of Heaven. It was a very powerful evening, even with some tension between Orchid and Wecca, and Luna and Ursis Herbulis. We closed the circle at 10 pm so it lasted about three hours. . Afterwards, Asparagus and Wecca and I flirted. It was playful  and fun. Nice way to celebrate Spring.

 

24 March 1991 Sunday

I slept in until eight then read the Sunday paper before trying to get my place back together. It wasn’t trashed, just messy after a party. Jeff Wood came over in the afternoon for support. He’s upset that his apartment is becoming a party house but he doesn’t what to raise a fuss. We went for a long walk up into Memory Grove and it was good just to get out and walk. My lower back was stiff from all the exertion from yesterday and the walk helped stretched it. The residence along the entrance to Memory Grove are trying to shut the park down at night to keep Gays from cruising. Silence=Death. At five, Jeff took me to Affirmation so I could give a presentation on the Stonewall Riots. No one was there to open the Unitarian Church’s social hall because Johnny Anderson was out of town and some one thought Willy Marshall was supposed to have a key. However I heard that Willy was in Big Water with Alex Joseph doing some Equinox thing down there. Anyway someone from the church came to let us in and we weren’t too late getting started. About twenty-five people were in attendance. I conducted the meeting since no one else felt they were in charge and I wanted to get on with it.  Since I am long winded, I did manage to speak for one and half hours on the events leading up to the Stonewall Riots. I knew I had their attention. During the brief question and answer session, someone asked me if I allowed Gays who did not feel comfortable marching to have their space too. I then had a forum to address the fact that I love all aspects of being Gay, from drag to leather, and that people should have a safe space and be allowed to be where they are most comfortable. But I said I will always challenge, push, cajole, and try to raise people’s comfort zones by building safe places in which they can flourish. After the meeting I just came home to get ready for school tomorrow. Knock on wood, but my hay fever hasn’t been triggered yet but then nothing has really budded out yet. Not too many daffodils, tulips, or crocuses are to be seen anywhere. I’m still basking in the afterglow of yesterday’s Faerie Gathering. The other day I was re-reading my journal from 1971, twenty years ago! Reading it at times I was weepy and I just wanted to reach back and hold that scared sweet Gay boy and say it will be all right.

 

25 March 1991 Monday

I’m really burned out and need to get out of school. It’s a short week; thank Providence, as it’s Easter Vacation this coming weekend. I worked on my lesson plan for this week’s evaluation but I really could not care less at this point as I know Stanger is an ass. In the evening the winds were whipping all around the Wasatch Front as a storm is suppose to hit us. I haven’t seen any precipitation, just bluster. A woman from the Washington Blade Gay newspaper called me about what local political Gay groups are in Utah. Not sure how she got my number but I referred her to Dale Sorenson of the Gay and Lesbian Utah democrats and to Carla Gourdin for the Stonewall Town Meeting. I also referred her to Brenda Voisard for the Gay and Lesbian Community Council although that isn’t an actual PAC. There wasn’t any LGSU meeting tonight as it was spring break so I stayed home to watch the Academy Awards. “Dancing With Wolves” was named best picture along with Jeremy Iron as best actor and Whoopi Goldberg as best supporting actress. Rocky O’Donovan called me concerning a question about his medicine cards. I guess Robert Erichssen, Erick Meyers, Mark Angus and he are going down to Zion Canyon during Easter Vacation. Mark Angus called and asked if I wanted the Sacred Faeries included in the Lambda Hiking Club's calendar. Randy Burt aka Mr. Tree started the club but now he has merged it with the bowling league. He has expanded it to include a variety of social activities to do. I said I would have to talk to the other Pillars first and get their input before I could commit us but I said I would be at the Hiking Club’s April 1^st planning meeting.

Additional Material

·         Vice: Councilwoman favors ordinance to halt cruising in places like Grove. Police say it would be hard to enforce. S.L. WANTS TO PUT THE BRAKES ON `CRUISERS' By Jay Evensen, Staff Writer  "Cruisers" are driving people crazy in parts of Salt Lake City. City Councilwoman Nancy Pace said the problem particularly is bad in neighborhoods around Memory Grove, to the east of the State Capitol. There, cruisers drive slowly on weekends, looking for sex. They often steer their cars into the driveways of houses in an effort to turn around. "It isn't just in Memory Grove," Pace said. "That just happens to be in my district. There are a number of places where this is a problem." Pace and the rest of the City Council have asked the city attorney to study the possibility of passing an anti-cruising ordinance. Pace envisions something that would allow police to ticket anyone driving past the same point more than twice within a certain time. Police Lt. Marty Vuyk said Memory Grove emerges every spring as a center for vice. Of the 60 arrests Salt Lake police made for obscene conduct between August 1990 and February 1991, 30 of them were made in Memory Grove, he said.  The cruising we're talking about is primarily people trying to make pickups," Vuyk said, noting most of the people seem to be homosexuals. "We find little cruising involving people trying to pick up members of the opposite sex. Vuyk said an anti-cruising ordinance may be difficult to enforce. "Someone would have to stay in one location and monitor the people coming in and out," he said. "That's not an easy thing by any stretch of the imagination." Other solutions may be more effective, such as getting city parks crews to clear shrubbery in the park. The idea is that people won't do obscene things in places where everyone can see. A similar strategy has been effective in Sugarhouse Park. Vuyk said police are conducting a survey of area residents to see what the problem is and what can be done about it. "If we can pull all the city's resources together, we can minimize many problems citizens are having," he said. Pace said the cruisers are intruding on a public park, one that local residents want to preserve for all to enjoy. "We want people to use the park, but to just drive in and out over and over again is an abuse," she said.

 

26 March 1991 Tuesday SLC UT

It was a cool clammy day like  Meteora, the Goddess of Weather, couldn’t make up her mind. Tomorrow I do my dreaded evaluation. Ugh! I came straight home before Robert Olsen came over to have his cards read. His main totem is Coyote although he Spider, Bear, Weasel, and Grouse from my spread. He also had squirrel, antelope, rabbit, and Hawk. After reading his cards we went to bed and fucked.

Additional Material

·         The Bridge held a poetry reading at Lavender Moon Emporium in the Avenues.

 

27 March 1997 Wednesday

My hay fever has decided to kick in finally and I have been sneezing and having itchy eyes all day. I was dreading today because of my evaluation but decided to not give in to fear and decided to just want good things for Stanger, so as to turn my karma around. It must have worked as my evaluation went much better. The kids were well behaved and came through for me this time. When I got home I went to the post office and my video “Streamers” came in. It is a bitter sweet tale with Matthew Modine’s character being killed because he wouldn’t deal with racism and homophobia in the army. I also got a check in the mail for the rest of Andrea Dahl’s Beyond Stonewall payment. I went over to Chuck Whyte’s place to take care of some Beyond Stonewall business and ran into Bruce Barton. He’s upset with Queer Nation and was trying to feel me out over my views and concerns towards the group. I said I was not really involved with it but there are many fine people who are, so I do support it. I also said I feel comfortable enough about my organizations to not think what Queer Nation does will reflect on my groups. What Metropolitan Community Church is pissy about is that Queer Nation is planning to disrupt a “Worship Service” for their first action. I don’t know if I agree with Bruce that General Conference is a “Worship Service” as much as it’s a pseudo-theological political forum to promote the LDS agenda and its homophobia. Anyway Chuck said we have about $825 in our account now. I need $3000 more by July 1^st for our contract with the YMCA.

 

28 March 1991 Thursday

I went to bed really early last night because my hay fever was kicking in. So I was pretty rested for most of the day. School was okay with me taking down March’s bulletin-boards and putting up April themes. This is the last school day for March with Easter Vacation this weekend. I got paid early today which was a pleasant surprise since I didn’t think I’d get my check until Monday. I made $1550.84, paying $161.25 in federal taxes, $66.75 in state taxes, $117.94 in social security, $34.64 in Union dues, $5.00 to United Way and $9.18 in health insurance for a take home payment of $1081.05 which breaks down to about $270 a week or $54 a day.  I need to find cheaper rent because I should not be paying more than a fourth of my salary to it. After paying rent I have around $700 or $175 a week to live on and pay bills. In the evening, I went to Unconditional Support at seven. We are still meeting in Beauchaine’s space. In attendance were Grant Cheever, Larry Hillman, his friend Michael, Bill Anderson and his lover Scott, a new guy named Brandon, Craig Hunter, Kenny from Mississippi, Jim Ingles, Alfredo, Beauchaine, and myself. So we are up to twelve already so evidently the need is there. I discussed the origin of Gay slang and words that have been used to target us and define us as “other”. I hope everyone got something out of it. I received a registration for Beyond Stonewall from Bryan Provost for $75. I’m not sure who he is but probably someone from Affirmation since he did have a registration form. We haven’t really done an advertising campaign yet. I mailed off an Easter Card to Grandma and Grandpa Johnson. I don’t even know if Grandma is coherent enough to even know who sent it but perhaps spirit will talk to spirit. I’ve been re-reading and re-examining my life as recorded in my journals from 1971 through 1972. I am so grateful I was wise enough to record my thoughts; otherwise the mundane everyday events would have slipped away into murky nothingness. Now college friends, long gone like Mark Lauria, Cindy Paulsen, Karen Gramsted, Phyllis Lewis, Jim Dalton and so many others who helped me become me, come back to life in my mind. I just want to hold that little college kid from back then, so confused about life, and give him my wisdom or at least comfort him. Oh that my sixty year old self could speak to me now and keep me out of harm’s way. What a great time it will be when all of me comes together to greet one another.

Additional Material

·         Leather Weekend in Salt Lake City sponsored by Wasatch Leather and Motorcycle Club

 

29 March 1991 Friday

No school today! Yay! However it was kind of an overcast and gloomy day. I went to Price Savers and bought $111 worth of groceries for the month and paid most of my bills so I can determine how much I have left to live on in April. A pleasant surprise was a $400 check that came in today as part of my settlement with Utah Title’s bankruptcy over my lost salary when they shut down in 1988. I never thought I would receive anything at all. It was only pennies on the dollar for what they owed but I’m just going to put it all in my savings account. I already have about $350 in savings so with that, I have a good start at a nest egg. I went to Bob Waldrop’s going away party this evening and brought some cookies I made and a liter of white zinfandel wine. Since everyone there seemed to preferred beer, I ended up drinking most of the wine and between that and smoking a couple of organic pot cigarettes, I was pretty loose all night. The make- up of the party was pretty eclectic but mostly non Gay Libertarians. Libertarians are an odd lot with all types thrown together; Gays, polygamists, and dope heads. I was about the only openly Gay person there besides Bob. Bob being Gay is not an issue with his libertarian friends but with me it seemed to be. This cute boy, a dope head from California named Cory, said he had never met anyone like me before who was so upfront about being Gay. It was a curious observation  by him that we Gay men seem more open with our feelings and emotions than the hets are. Anyway at ten Maury Modine showed up and I spent the rest of the time with him; trying to get to know him better. I think he’s probably completely heterosexual but he is amusing and witty and has this certain charisma and magnetism that I am attracted to.  I’d be lying if I said that the fact the he’s Matthew Modine’s older brother didn’t prompt my interest in him but now I find him extremely interesting in his own right. He’s 35 and born in Van Nuys, California, I think he said. His father worked operating Drive-In theaters all over the country and moved to Utah in the 1960’s. Maury started smoking dope when he was fifteen and I suppose has been on some type of drug every since. However now he only does organic drugs like pot and Peyote. Anyway I have never mentioned his brother Matthew to him and I won’t unless he brings him up. Maury’s body language is very much like his brother, or perhaps Matthew is like Maurey since he is the older of the two. Maury told a lot of jokes tonight and because I was stoned I told this long involved story about JFK being assassinated by a midget standing on Oswald’s shoulders. Everyone was just roaring and it helped that we were all stoned. But it was kind of funny. It was a strange and interesting night. After Maury left at two in the morning, I went home also. I made sure I could walk a straight line before going home. I’m going to miss Bob and his motley crew of misfits. He’s like Fagin in Oliver Twist with his band of bad boys who adore him. But off they go to seek fame and fortune in Seattle before settling down  in Big Water, Utah, the Libertarian Mecca.

Additional Material

·         A Salt Lake City Police officer involved in an alleged off-duty gay-bashing incident has been suspended for 10 days without pay. The officer must also undergo a fitness-for-duty evaluation and will be transferred temporarily out of the patrol division, Chief Mike Chabries said Thursday. Representatives from the Salt Lake gay community say the suspension seems light, but are grateful the officer is being taken off the streets. The Feb. 23 incident involved Officer Roger Williams and John Martin, a gay Salt Lake City man who claims he was assaulted and called anti-gay names by two of Officer Williams' friends.  The two friends, Troy Perry and Scott Angus, have been charged with the assault and will be arraigned April 10 in 3rd Circuit Court. The officer apparently dropped his friends off near 300 S. Main Street, a popular gay cruising area, and then picked them up in his truck after the two had allegedly assaulted Mr. Martin. The victim claims he was slugged in the face and had the vehicle he was sitting in vandalized. When Officer Williams learned of the assault he failed to report it to police, said Chief Chabries. "He used exceedingly poor judgment that night," the chief said. "He has not offered an excuse to justify his actions. He has admitted he was wrong and he made a mistake." Investigators didn't learn of the alleged attack until they checked a license plate number of the truck noted by Mr. Martin. Detectives found the vehicle was registered to Officer Williams and began an internal investigation. The Salt Lake County attorney's office also investigated the incident and cleared the officer of any crime. Chief Chabries said the criminal investigation regarding the officer's conduct did not differ significantly from Mr. Martin's version of the incident. "Officer Williams has been a good officer with no previous disciplinary problems. He is extremely embarrassed over this situation and has apologized to the victim," the chief said. "I have {also} contacted Mr. Martin and personally reviewed this incident and apologized." Chief Chabries said he regretted the incident may have damaged the department's relationship with the city's gay and lesbian community and said his department would work to restore that relationship.  Michael Aaron, director of the   Anti-Violence Project, said incidents of violence directed toward gays and lesbians have increased. But he said he's is pleased with the way the police department has dealt with the problem. The AVP operates a telephone hot line and logs and investigates reports of   anti-homosexual violence. "We hope this {suspension} sends a message to anyone who would like to perpetrate violence toward gays and lesbians that it will be dealt with and it will be dealt with by the Salt Lake City Police Department." (03/29/91 Page: B1)

 

30 March 1991 Saturday

I was a little hung over today and was moving rather slow like Uncle Joe at the Junction; Petticoat Junction. In the afternoon I picked up Bobbie Smith and we went shopping for candles. I found a store better than Pick and Save called Odd Jibbers for candles, bells and incense. I spent a lot of money today for tonight’s gathering. I was really tired most of the day and I think I was rather low keyed during the faerie rituals. About 7 O'clock people started showing up for the full Lilting moon ritual. We had a nice turn out, with Owl (Todd Bennett), Hummingbird, (George Henry), Titmouse, (Walt Larabee), Gillian (Bobbie Smith), Silver Fox (Harold Jones), Popcorn (Robert Olsen), Peace Raven, and myself. I was surprised that Warm Moon Shadow (Don Glenn Jenny) , Griffin (John Crapo), Orchid (Jeff Wood), and Wecca (Mike King) didn't show. We celebrated the Lilting Moon and I did two meditations and visualizations. One was projecting back to one's former self to nurture one's self and then project that to the future to have the future self nurture the present self. I also did a ritual to get in touch with one's physical body. It was a good circle, perhaps not as energetic as last week's but good. I was surprised when Fran showed up with her friend Brent Pace towards the end of the ritual. I told her they had to come back in about a half an hour because I had a house full of naked men. After the ritual she did come back with Brent and he sure is a cutie. At tonight's gathering we agreed to distribute a phone list for the mehn's gathering but not put the Sacred Faeries in the Lambda Club schedule. We also agreed to meet again on April 13 for a new moon gathering of mehn and will be meeting at Silver Fox's place. I'm a little concerned about his motives. He told me today that "Frankly I don't get much out of the meetings with the women." I find that an extremely peculiar statement. I am not going to support separatism. We have a good balance now. I told Silver Fox that I wouldn't act as a Pillar for the New Moon rituals. I wonder what he is getting out of all this? He's really not into New Age philosophy. I know he's not a former hippie, and Bohemian he is not. He's kind of an uptight conservative realtor who's only been out of the closet a very short time and has no gratitude towards those who are making his transition into the Gay life easier. I'd feel better if I just once saw him in drag to get in touch with his female side of his nature. I suspect he is here just to see the naked guys.  Anyway Fran and Brent stayed after everyone else left and we visited about the medicine cards and my involvement with the Sacred Faeries. I said they should come up some time for a reading. Brent had to get up early for work tomorrow so they couldn’t stay real late. Anyway it turned out to be an interesting day. After everyone left I called Mark Lamar to return his earlier phone call. He just wanted to wish me a happy Easter.

 

31 March 1991 Easter Sunday

Today would have been Grandma Williams 89^th birthday had she not died January 10^th in 1979. I called my uncle Milton Williams and Aunt Marie this morning and wished them a Happy Easter. They said Mom and Dad were going over to my sister Donna’s place with my sister Charline’s tribe for Easter Dinner. Milton sounded good even though he has cancer and Marie sounded in good spirits. After talking to them, I wanted to get away from the city so I drove out to Bare Ass Beach west of 72^nd West. There I read from the Goddess section of the Psychedelic Encyclopedia which Jimmy Hamamoto had given me. I missed him this weekend. I wanted to do something with Jimmy but then I realized he was in California for the break visiting his folks in San Bernardino.  There weren’t a whole lot of people at the beach as it is still kind of nippy out. I wanted to be alone and get out of the city so I did accomplish that. When I came back into town at four, Jim Hunsaker came over to my place to return some  videos and I loaned him  Matthew Modine's  “Streamers” and “Vision Quest.” He said there wasn’t anything new to report. Anyway then Jeff Wood came over and wanted me to go for a walk with him through Memory Grove. A meeting of Affirmation is being held there. They are having a picnic and hike. Queer Nation was at the park too, they said to monitor reports that the cops are harassing Gay people for being in the park. I saw Dave Omer today. I hadn’t seen him for quite awhile and his aerobic class has done wonders for him. He looks so neat and trim. He always has been a good man. Frank Fatah True has moved into the Ben Albert Apartments, I heard. Mark Hanson is moving to Farmington, New Mexico for five months as part of management training for Wal-Mart I believe. It was a pleasant way to spend Easter with my Gay Family. Steve Barker and Paul Farnum paid their 2^nd deposit for Beyond Stonewall as did Sharon Alderman. Kevin Hillman gave me a ride home after the hike. He said that Murray Park is giving him some trouble about having Pride Day there. I authorized him to borrow $200 from the Beyond Stonewall Account to help with the deposit the officials wanted for the use of the park. I also said we would buy a $175 ad in the Pride Day brochure to help with the costs. Well here it is the end of March. In ten days I’ll be forty years old. Can you believe it? In prehistoric times I would be in my old age. Well I still got a baby tooth. That is something.

Additional Material

·         Getting Sued Could Spell Fiscal RuIn-Byline: PAUL ROLLY  Page: D12 Former Salt Lake County Attorney Ted Cannon filed a $6.5 million libel suit last week against his former secretary Shauna Clark, a single mother, for an article she sold to Redbook Magazine alleging he sexually harassed her.   Without getting into the merits of the lawsuit, the action does show a disturbing trend in America that should be addressed.   Should litigants be allowed to file expensive lawsuits, asking for ridiculous amounts of money, without bearing any responsibility for the worth of the allegations they make in the suit? Mr. Cannon is an attorney - albeit an attorney who just ended a two-year probation with the Utah State Bar - and is representing himself in the matter.   That means that other than the $125 fee he had to pay to file the suit in U.S. District Court for Utah and the incidental costs incurred as a suit develops, his costs will be relatively minor because he won't have to pay an attorney.   Ms. Clark, on the other hand, must hire an attorney to fight the allegations in the suit.   She is raising a son alone on her salary as a secretary in the Salt Lake County Attorney's Office and would probably be a little stretched to hire an attorney to fight the suit.   But if she doesn't fight the suit, she probably can't afford the $6.5 million asking price in Mr. Cannon's lawsuit, either. The problem is that the suit has put the secretary in a position of having to dish out money she doesn't have, one way or the other, with very little financial risk to its filer, Mr. Cannon.   The suit was filed in response to an article that ran in Redbook Magazine in April 1990, titled, "My Boss Ordered Me to Sleep With Him."   Ms. Clark was paid $750 for the article and was quoted as saying Mr. Cannon "would call me on the phone . . .rambling about how much he needed me sexually…I was scared speechless."   Mr. Cannon denies in the suit that he ordered the secretary to bed and he claims she libeled him.   Mr. Cannon left office as Salt Lake County's chief prosecutor in the fall of 1986 shortly after he was indicted by a Salt Lake County grand jury for numerous alleged wrongdoings.   He was eventually found guilty of criminal misconduct and criminal defamation, both misdemeanors, after a trial in3rd District Court. He later pleaded guilty to attempted misuse of public funds, a misdemeanor that was reduced from the original felony count of misuse of public funds, and he pleaded no contest to a charge of assault, a misdemeanor reduced from the original felony count of forcible-sexual abuse.   The forcible-sexual abuse charge stemmed from the allegations of Ms. Clark, who filed a sexual harassment suit against Mr. Cannon and Salt Lake County and eventually settled out of court for about $68,000, an amount that included her attorney's fees.   One difference between Ms. Clark's suit against Mr. Cannon and Mr. Cannon's suit against Ms. Clark is that the taxpayer picked up the tab for Mr. Cannon's defense and eventual settlement.   Ms. Clark has to pay expenses related to her defense.      The issue has been a big one for business for years and once again brings up the argument: Should litigants pay for the defendant's attorney's fees if the defendant is found not guilty of the allegations.   Right now, Ms. Clark stands to lose whether she wins or not because she'll still probably have to pay her attorney's fees.   Mr. Cannon has no attorney's fees so what's the risk to him? Businesses have faced this growing dilemma for years and have attempted to quell it in the Utah Legislature.   Bills have been filed that would limit certain types of awards and slow down the incentive to lawyers to sue for large amounts by addressing limits on contingency fees, figured as a percentage of the take.   England's system forces the loser in a civil suit to pay the attorney's fees of the winner. The system forces litigants to look harder at the merits of their suit when they know they'll have to pay the other party's lawyer if they don't prevail.   The argument against it in the United States is that it keeps poor people out of the system.   Salt Lake City lawyer Pat Shea unsuccessfully proposed a rule amendment for the Utah Courts that would make early settlements more attractive by making a party who turned down a settlement offer pay the other's attorney's fees if the ultimate award turned out to be less than the settlement.   "While the argument is that poor people deserve access to the courts, the reality is that poor people have very limited access to the courts as it is in civil cases," Mr. Shea said.   A strong argument can also be made that if the loser in a civil suit must pay the attorney's fees of the other party, the rule would surely have a reducing influence on the number of civil claims filed.   In Utah's state courts alone, 90,500 civil cases were filed last year.