APRIL 1986
1 April 1986 Tuesday:
Today was Russ Lane's first day at work, and I
went around and introduced him to everyone. I felt like Russ was my personal
coup. It's going to be so wonderful having a friend at work. Someone I can take
breaks with and go home for lunch together. I almost felt like this my first
day of school I was so excited. In a way, I am very glad that Russ' cousin
Randy Holladay wasn't able to accommodate him with a place to stay, because
when I am with Russ, its like being young again, like when I was in college with
John Cunningham and ever thing was new and the possibilities were endless. Even
more then all this, it's fun having someone around the office with whom I can
be openly Gay in secret ha!
2 April 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
3 April 1986 Thursday:
What a day at work! Shauna Mayeda, one of the
main Title Abstractors here, was an absolute bitch to Russ Lane. While I was
training Russ, Shauna came over and yelled at him for missing a deed of trust
on a search he had done. Russ has only been doing searching for two days, and
instead of talking to him like a human being, she started yelling at him like
some sort of petty tyrant. Well in a way she was yelling at me because I am the
one training Russ. He's my responsibility as well as getting my own work done.
Well, I just started yelling right back at her so the whole office could hear.
We carried the fight into her office and we almost came to blows. She would
have hit me if she thought she could have gotten away with it because I defied
her. If she had any power over me she would have fired me. But I told her in no
uncertain terms that her manners are extremely unprofessional and she is dead
wrong the way she treats people especially who she considers underlings. I told
her don't ever talk to Russ like that again and if she has any problem with his
work come see me and I will rectify it. I told her that if she has any problem
with anyone's work she should discuss it with them instead at yelling at them
and trying to intimidate them. She was furious with me and I was really
surprised how unglued I came, when Shauna began attacking Russ. It reminded me
of years ago when I was training John Cunningham at Taco Bell while we were in
college, and some customer started yelling at John, and I became a maniac, and
told that person to shut the fuck up and get off the premises before I call the
police. I can't abide bullies.
Additional Material
LaMar Hamilton receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 20, which says that Heavenly Mother and Father are united and you may pray to both/either, women have been historically oppressed, the historical implementation of polygamy was oppressive
4 April 1986 Friday
No Entry
Additional Material
The 2nd Annual Desert and Mountain States Conference was held in
Phoenix, Arizona. The Theme of the Conference will be “Pride in Diversity,
Strength in Unity”. The Salt Lake delegation of the planning committee withdrew
from the conference and did not attend. Scott Mills stated that Phoenix
Co-chair David Lilly had informed him that the conference was going to be
scaled back because of speaker cancellation and inability to get equipment for
a dance. Lily later denied that the conference was scaled back.
- Lesbian singer Deidre McCalla performed at The Painted Word on 4th South and 4th West to promote her album Don’t Doubt It on Olivia Record
- The Democratic Policy
Commission, a branch of the Democratic National Party, held a roundtable
discussion at the Salt Lake. Former Utah Governor Scott Matheson who
chaired the commission had considered placing the issue of Gay Rights on
the agenda following an appeal of Gay-rights advocates but it was decided
against. Tribune staff writer Paul Rolly felt that the issue was shelved
because of the LDS Conference was being held at the same time. He stated,
“The coincidence concerned some Democratic officials who worried any Gay
rights activities would create too much of a contrast to the conservative
teachings of Mormon officials who believe homosexuality a sin.”
- John R. Crane receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 21, which essentially calls for a balance between recognizing the power of spiritual gifts and ensuring they are exercised with humility, purpose, and alignment with divine will. It also defends the continuation of revelation and the Church’s spiritual vitality, inviting believers to deepen their relationship with God through faith, hope, and charity. (1) Antonio A. Feliz also recieves a revelation, which is now described in the preface of HT&P 22, which says that “Heavenly Mother” and “Heavenly Father” are titles which can apply to many exalted people, including Queer folks. (2)
5 April 1986 Saturday
This week has gone by so fast. Bob Elcock has
Russ Lane sitting next to me at work so I can train him. We are together day
and night and I think Russ is really special. I enjoy cooking for him and
making chicken and dumplings, his favorite, along with my fruit salad which he
eats all the time. Russ and I listened to the opening session of LDS General
Conference this morning on TV. Ezra Taft Benson, during the morning session,
began to knock Gays again. I think if E.T. lives long enough, he will just carry
on the same oppressive attitude towards Gay people that Spencer Kimball
initiated. While Fran was at work this afternoon, Russ and I were visiting, and
he said that he was all knotted up and tense. I asked him if he wanted a back
rub and he said he could use a massage. I had him take his shirt off and I
began massaging him when he grabbed my hand and placed it on his erection.
Startled, Russ said to me, "You know this is what you want." And it
was true. I have been wanting to bond with Russ almost since I first met him.
Just looking at him, at times, made me moist. I went down on Russ and then it
was over. I felt closer to him than ever- until this evening. However, I was
really disappointed tonight when Russ went to General Priesthood with some man
who had called him wanting some information about Affirmation. I understand
that this man was married, and really nervous, and Russ and him could speak
Spanish, but still I would have liked to have gone along. I feel like Russ
chose to go the Spanish speaking session as an excuse for me not to go along.
Meg Madsen came over this evening. She was feuding with her husband Steve
again. I've known Meg since she was my landlady at BYU back in 1975. She's so
curious as to why Russ is living with us and who he is. It's hard to explain
things without telling Meg everything that is going on in my life, and I am not
ready for that.
Additional Material "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco is number one song on national
charts
6 April 1986 Sunday:
At Sacrament Meeting we watched a little of
the LDS General Conference on TV. Russ Lane suggested that a bunch of us go to
Conference and sing “High On A Mountain Top” but change the final verse
to-"Her light should there Attract the GAYS of all the world In Latter
Days".I am not really interested in the LDS Conference, especially after
what Ezra Taft Benson said about Gays yesterday morning. At church today, Mike
Howard, this beautiful blond boy from Provo, who had dropped by the house last
Easter, came today. He's really neat. I want to get to know him better, but he
seems so together and classy. I think he's way more together at his young age
then I am at mine. At Wasatch Affirmation tonight, the consensus of the group
was to meet every Sunday rather than bi-monthly as the Salt Lake City chapter
of Affirmation does. Stan Dickie made the suggestion that the first Sunday
should be a potluck, the second Sunday a fireside guest speaker, the third
Sunday a conscience raising rap group with special topics, and the fourth
Sunday be the monthly business meeting. Members voted to accept Stinky Stan's
suggestion and it was approved. There were about twenty people at Affirmation
tonight. A good turnout. The Parlor was full at the Crossroads Urban Center. I
am happy to be supporting Russ with Affirmation but my heart and loyalties are
with my new church not the old Mormon one. Russ seems more distant from me then
before we had sex. I hope what happened yesterday won't affect our
relationship.
Additional Material
John R. Crane receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 22, which commends the church for seeking Him, ordinances teach how to achieve unity with God, further revelations will come.
7 April 1986 Monday
No Entry
8 April 1986 Tuesday
No Entry
9 April 1986 Wednesday:
It’s been a long time since I have attended a
meeting of the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation. I will always have affection
for John Cooper's group but Russ Lane's group meets my social and spiritual
need better now. I haven't heard from Bob McIntier for a while. So far it seems
my main responsibility as Bishop Agent is helping him set up Sacrament where he
presides. There are going-ons in Los Angeles, nothing official, just rumors
about Tony Feliz assuming the mantle of Prophet, Seer, and Revelator for the
church. I don't know how I feel about that. Fran is very distant from Russ any
more. I think she sees how discouraged I feel from Russ' lack of attention
towards me and is angry at him for not being more responsive to me. She tells
me that Russ is just using me but I don't listen to anything against him. The
Lord wanted me to help Russ. I know that as a fact. I shouldn't let my physical
attraction for him get in the way of the Lord's work. Today is my last day at
being 34 years old. I started it living in Orange, California, working at Ticor
Title insurance and being extremely miserable. I am feeling miserable tonight
but it’s a different type of misery, a sort of a happy misery if that makes any
sense at all.
10 April 1986 Thursday:
Today is by thirty-fifth birthday and Fran
bought me a German Chocolate Cake. Yum. I invited Jon Butler and Gordon Jones
over to have cake and ice cream with my wife, Russ, and me. Jon and Gordon
could only stay but a short while because they were committed to another party
somewhere else. Later when Fran had some of her friends over, to work on their
acrylic nails, I went into Russ's room, just to be with him. We sat and visited
about how things are going at work and about Affirmation of course. Russ then told
me that for my birthday present he bought me a $25 annual membership to
Affirmation. That was sweet of him. Well, I'm thirty-five years old now. I have
left the Mormon Church and I am active in an "apostate" church, and I
am living a Gay life style whatever that means. What a difference a year makes.
11 April 1986 Friday
I heard at work, while listening to KRCL, that
the Mikado is still playing at Kingsbury Hall at the University of Utah. It is
my all time favorite Gilbert and Sullivan's operetta. Russ and I both love
classical music so I thought it would be fun to surprise him with tickets for
the performance. I went up to the University on my lunch break and bought three
tickets for my wife, Russ, and myself. When I tried to surprise Russ with the
tickets, instead of being thrilled he acted like he was being put upon. Finally,
he said that if I didn't mind, he'd rather not go because he likes to get
caught up on his laundry and other things on Friday nights. I told him I
understood and that it was my fault for not asking him first, because when you
do things extraneously you have to be willing to be disappointed. But the truth
is I felt really disappointed and my feelings were hurt that he would rather do
his laundry then be with me. I guess I have deeper feelings for Russ then I
thought. I should never have let last Saturday happen. Anyway, Fran was excited
to go and we asked Meg and Steve Madsen our friends from Provo if they wanted
to go, which they did so I bought an extra ticket. The show was absolutely
wonderful-the singing-the dancing-the colorful fans and banners! It was just a
magical night at the theater. I enjoyed the show immensely even if my evening
was slightly marred by Russ Lane’s lack of enthusiasm . After the performance
we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant, China Village, on Main Street just
north of the post office. It was a very late dinner and we stayed out until 2
in the morning. Fran and I finally told Steve and Meg what was going on in our
lives and especially in mine. I told them that I had left the LDS church and
had joined the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. They acted like they were
happy that I have found happiness, but I could tell that they were really sad
that I had left the LDS Church after all these years. After all it was Steve
who ordained me an Elder in 1975 and it was with Steve and Meg with whom I went
through the temple for the first time for my endowments in January 1976. I know
it must have been a sad thing for them to think of me leaving the church. But I
don't really feel like I've left the gospel behind. Anyway, it felt good to
tell others who know me from before about my involvement with the Restoration
Church. Steve wants me to talk to Ed Rogers to see if there are any openings in
the Escrow department of Utah Title.
12 April 1986 Saturday:
I think I have fallen in love with Russ Lane
and I don't know why. May be it is a true principle that you love those you
serve and I do everything for Russ. I take him to work every day. I fix him his
lunch and dinner. I do his wash. I've even ironed his clothes. I've given him
gifts including my Saturday's Warrior album. I felt terrible later after doing
that because it made Fran cry. I had forgotten that she had bought it for me in
December of 1976 when we were first dating. I haven't listened to it in years
and really had grown to think of it as insipid, but still it had sentimental
value for my wife. I am so very happy Russ is living here so I can be near him
but I am also miserable because Russ doesn't return any of my affection. At
work, time just seems to fly because he is there. My days seem brighter because
he is around and yet I am well aware that I care for Russ way more than he does
for me. While I don' feel guilty about our sexual encounter last week, I now
wish we would not have done it. I do hope it doesn't interfere with our
friendship and doesn't obstruct the reason God brought us together in the first
place, that is, to be of service to the Gay community. Fran is starting to be
pissed off all the time by what Russ does or doesn't do around the house. It's
my fault. I don't know how to be a plural lover very well.
Additional Material "Kiss" by Prince & The Revolution is number one song on
national charts
13 April 1986 Sunday:
Bob McIntier had to go to Dallas, Texas on a
business trip so I was in charge of putting together Sacrament even though Bob
had asked Gordon Jones to be in charge of it. I made some cupcakes for after
church services and about seventeen people were in attendance. The talk was on
the Royal Law and service to God. I am glad I took charge of Sacrament because
Gordon was late. He looked a mess and said he was beaten up by some of his
roommates and kicked out of Auntie De’s house. Auntie De is a drag queen in the
community who takes in strays so I wonder what Gordon did to piss her off. I
know he hasn't had a job since I've known him so I don't know how he is getting
by. At Affirmation, the space is over flowing at the Crossroad Urban Center.
Every couch is filled. People are sitting on the floor, and late comers are
standing in the foyer. But no one seems to mind because the fellowship is
strong and Russ makes a point to make each and every person there feel
important and welcomed. He is a hand shaker for sure. Fran is still the only
woman at Affirmation and still the center of attention. She is kind of a Wendy
to all these Lost Boys.
Additional Material The Lesbian and Gay Student Union at the U of U hosted a week long
Lesbian and Gay Conference 86. Theme of the conference was “Looking Forward”.
Jim Hunsaker was President of LGSU. Joe Redburn of the Sun Tavern and Michael
Morris of Jeff’s Gym, a Gay bath house helped financed the Conference.
14 April 1986 Monday
No Entry
Additional Material Utah Technical College’s student senate once again voted against
giving official school recognition to a Gay Student Union
15 April 1986 Tuesday:
Today is Jon Butler's 40th birthday. Fran and
I had him over for cake and ice cream. He came without Gordon Jones and we
visited on this warm wonderful Spring day in the Rockies. The air is just
perfumed at night. I don't see Jon and Gordon working out much longer. They are
both out of work but Jon has some savings and is on unemployment. Gordon is so
dependent on Jon now and Jon is feeling trapped. I've heard Gordon say that he
needs this relationship but I don't see him being very responsible. He is spending
a lot of time at the bars drinking even though he has no money. That is not a
good sign.
16 April 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
17 April 1986 Thursday
Things are not good between Russ Lane and me
and I don't know how to fix it. He pushes all my John Cunningham buttons. The
more I am feeling rejected by Russ, the more I do for him. It's insanity to try
and make him love me as much as I am in love with him. This insane cycle is
repeating over and over again and I do not know what to do. My trying to do
things for Russ is actually driving him further from me, rather than bringing him closer. I know this
rationally but my heart is just beating up my head. At lunch today, Russ wanted
to go up to the University of Utah's housing office to look for an apartment or
a roommate. It was raining slightly but it was fun just being with him. We
didn't see much but he took down a few numbers. Back at work, the girls that
run the copy machines sure like my butt. They are always teasing me. Only if
Russ would like my butt too, but I am beginning to finally realize that he
really doesn't. He never wants to go out with me or do anything with me unless
he needs something and then he says, so kid like, "Benny could you
please..." and I fall for it every time. I don't even like being called
Benny but I let him. Fran is on her period and is not feeling well so I stayed
with her watching the Bill Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court.
About nine tonight, Steve Madsen dropped by for a few minutes to visit and see
if I had spoken to Ed Rogers, one of the owners of Utah Title, about a position
in the legal department there. I told him that Ed said for him to come down and
apply so that's good news for them.
Additional Material The best attended seminar at U of U's LGSU Conference was a debate on
“Lesbian Separatism” entitled “Extremism in Defense of Liberty”. Debate was
between Kake Huck and Sharon Jensen.
18 April 1986 Friday
I went into work this morning in a real sour
mood because of a slight that Russ Lane did me today. Although it was a small
and petty thing to be upset about, it was the proverbial straw that broke the
camel’s back. Yesterday, knowing that we were going to spend our lunch hour up
on campus, I had fixed both him and me a big lunch to take with us. Today we
had plans to go listen to Harry Britt, the San Francisco Supervisor who
replaced Harvey Milk after his assassination. He was speaking at noon at the University
of Utah as part of Gay Pride Week. I didn't have time this morning to pull a
lunch together but Russ made sure that he had a lunch of apples and carrots. I
mean, I don't expect much from Russ, but couldn’t he at least have grabbed me
something too? Is that asking too much from him or am I being too petty? It
made me realize how little he cares for me. So, on the way to work I said to
Russ that I had some errands I had to do at lunch and that he was on his own
finding a way to campus. Well that pissed him off to no end but I didn't care.
Why should I be the only one upset? Tony Fillman is back staying with us, while
he is looking for work again in Salt Lake. He said that he wanted to help us
out by giving the car a tune-up since he knows how to do it and has the tools
for it. I told Russ that I had to go buy parts during lunch for the tune up.
Last week, Estelle Reilly, who I worked with at Ticor Insurance last year,
wrote and asked if she came to Utah could she stay with Fran and me while
visiting Salt Lake City. I said sure, not thinking she would really come, but
she called me today saying she will be here tomorrow. She is coming on a
Greyhound Bus. I will deal with this tomorrow. At work today Bob Elcock
announced that the company is springing for pizzas for lunch because of the
amount of production we have been doing lately. Well Russ just looked sick
because of the dilemma of having to choose between a free lunch and seeing fags
on campus. Well, he did choose to see the fags and the sucker that I am, I
saved some of the pizza for him so that he could microwave them later. I left
work early today to help Tony work on the car, so Russ was on his own getting
home. While working on the car with Tony, as he put in spark plugs and points,
I felt so much like I was watching my dad like when I was a kid and I must say
that I really hated the feeling. I was never mechanical and those weekends
handing dad his tools were pure torture. Grease under my finger nails? Yuck!
This evening Fran left with Tony to spend the weekend down in Levan with Linda
and Lionel Sauzo ,Tony’s parents, leaving me on my own for two days. Not
wishing to spend the evening with Russ, who is still sulking, I called Jon
Butler up to see what he was going to do tonight. He said that he and his
friend Johnny Welch were going to the Utah Symphony to hear Beethoven’s Ninth
performed. I asked if I could tagged along and Jon said that was a “great
idea".
When I told Russ I was going out with Jon
Butler, this pissed Russ off again because I was backing out of our going up to
the U of U campus for a Candlelight vigil for victims of Gay Bashing and AIDS.
I really would have rather had been with Russ but when I realized how Russ
would treat me once there, like I was invisible, I decided to spend the evening
with people who won’t treat me like shit. I went to the Symphony and I was so
glad I did, even if it was kind of embarrassing getting in on a student pass. But
the performance was excellent and a real feast for the ears! It was simply
exhilarating being there, so much like in my College days at Cypress College;
so perhaps it was okay that we used a student pass. Johnny Welch, Jon Butler
and I were having so much fun, and afterwards we went cruising around State
Street just like as if we were still in high school. That was a riot. Then we
went up 3rd West and 5th North to get something to eat at Souvlakis that I like
so much. It’s the only place that serves Yeeros with a meaty red sauce on
slices of lamb and onions that I know of. After stuffing ourselves with Yeeros
and Pork Shish kabobs, we then went over to Johnny's place on 1st South and 3rd
east, tucked in behind the School for the Blind. Jon Butler is staying there
for the time being, until he gets on at Utah Title, which should be soon.
Johnny Welch is fascinating with his belief in re-incarnation. He believes that
he is a reincarnated ancient Egyptian and has his apartment decorated in
Egyptian period furnishings and decor. He has the Eye of Horus painted on the
wall and sleeps in an Egyptian cot-like bed. I was half expecting to see a
mummy or a cow headed goddess walk in from the kitchen. My being a history
major, we talked Egyptology until one in the morning speculating about the
construction of the pyramids. Of course, since he was there according to his
beliefs, he knew more about it than me. Ha! As I was sitting on the bedlike
couch, with Jon Butler in my arms, suddenly there was a pounding at the door.
It was a distraught Gordon Jones who was a drunken mess. From the wild hurt in
his eyes, I knew he must have felt left out and crushed when he saw us all
together. I felt so sorry for him that I told Jon Butler to go to him and take
him home. I thought it was kind of odd that Gordon wasn't with us anyway, but I
didn't plan the evening. Jon Butler told me, as he left, that he would be back,
so I waited until 2 in the morning talking to Johnny about reincarnation. I
told him that sometimes I feel like I’ve lived in Meso-America during the time
of the Mayas or Aztecs. I do have Comanche Indian blood in me so who knows? I
also know of a place in the south like a Bayou or somewhere that I have
memories of though, I have never lived there. When Jon didn't come back I
decided it was time to go home too. Except for Gordon’s dramatics I had a
wonderful, magical night, full of lights, music, and mysticism. And I spent an
evening not wishing I was with Russ.
Additional Material Harry Britt, San Francisco Supervisor who succeeded Harvey Milk, was
keynote speaker for the LGSU Conference. A Britt stated that the purpose of Gay
politics should be nothing less than the transformation of human culture.
Candlelight Vigil held on campus after keynote address.
19 April 1986 Saturday
So much happened today, where to begin?
Anyway, I was in a complete state of heatache as I lay in bed alone. This
morning, I got up around seven-thirty after last night's celebration of music,
so I could go into work at 8 to work for some overtime. I worked until noon and
right before leaving some work men came in to put up petitions in the office.
The panels came from Gary Sheet's bankrupt company. His wife was killed by Mark
Hoffman in the Salamander Bombings last October. Anyway, so come Monday, we will
have a new look. Leaving the office, I went to my barber on 7th East and got a
haircut and beard trim for $3. Looks sharp. The weather was pretty but nippy
all day and when I finally went back home I could feel the tension building
between Russ Lane and me. We have a barrier in place and I know that he is
pissed that I didn't go with him to the Gay and Lesbian thing on campus, but
I'll discuss that later. I noticed that he hadn’t done a thing around the house
but his own washing and that made me kind of mad only because he said he would
do the wash. He left shortly after I came home so I tried to clean the kitchen
and I did scrub the bathroom because Estelle Reilly is coming in this evening.
I also did some wash and ironed clothes for next week. Later Bob McIntier
called and asked me if it was okay, that if instead of going out to dinner so
we could visit, that we to go to the Metropolitan Community Church's pot luck.
I said fine so I spent the rest of the afternoon making an Italian Casserole
and also making cupcakes for after Sacrament tomorrow. Around 4 this afternoon
I went to the central library to return some records, mostly operas, that I had
checked out from last week, and while there I ran into Lynn Fetting, a co
worker at Utah Title. I gave her a ride home and did do some quick shopping at
Smith Food King on 9th & 9th. About 5 Estelle called from the bus station
and said that she had just gotten in so I went to Greyhound to pick her up. It
was really good to see her again. She feels like home with her Tennessee
accent. She’s from the same county in Tennessee that my grandpa’s people were
from so we could be kinfolk for all I know. Estelle is as thin as a rail,
blond, about 45 years old, smokes, and is a good hearted soul but she couldn’t
have picked a worse time to come to Utah. I told her that she can have the car
to sight see, and that I had an obligation to go to tonight. She said not to
worry that she would probably just rest and go out to get some supper. I also
told her that Fran is visiting friends in Juab County south of Provo and that I
had a friend staying with me while he's looking for a place. I didn’t want to
tell Estelle that I went queer since she last saw me. I was such a good Mormon
boy at Ticor. Back home while getting dressed for the pot luck, Russ came home.
I introduced him to Estelle who was making a bed on the couch. Russ and I went
to his room and he never asked me anything about how my evening was yesterday
or took the least bit interest in where I was going tonight. But like an idiot
in love, I invited him to go along with Bob McIntier to the MCC pot luck. He
agreed to go, I know more for the dinner than my company, but I didn't feel
right about not asking him. Anyways I was looking sharp with my pleated beige
pants, my opera shirt, my funky black and yellow tie and my Fedora. Estelle was
asleep when Bob came over, so we left and went to pick up another fellow, Rick
Belnap who is a friend of Bob’s and he sings in the Salt Lake Men's Choir. Bob
is trying to get him to join the Restoration Church. Well, we went to the
Unitarian Church on 13th East and 6th South and immediately after entering the
building I knew I had made a mistake in coming. I agreed to go for Bob's sake
but I really felt out of place at the MCC gathering. Russ was ignoring me and
Bob was surrounded by his old MCC friends. I felt very alienated and not
fitting into the cliquishness of MCC. Besides, I am still not comfortable with
priest craft, even though Bruce Barton, the pastor of the group, is a sweet
man. My overall feeling at the pot luck was that I missed the association of
members of the Restoration Church. Subsequently, I went off by myself, and sat in the darken
Chapel where I prayed a little to my Heavenly Father and Mother. It was dark
and peaceful in there and the spirit whispered to me that it was time to let
Russ Lane go. I cried a little but I knew it was true. I really have done all
that was required of me. I found Russ a job and now he has the income to find
his own space and Affirmation is thriving. Anyway, having the Spirit with me
and feeling more calm, I went back to where dinner was being served. Everyone
was in their own little cliques chatting happily, so I sat by myself and ate
dinner. Across the room, I couldn't bear listening to Russ jabber on any longer
so I thought to myself, "This is too much for me to have to bear and to be
good to myself. I am going home." As a result I went over to Bob and
freaked him out by saying that I was going to walk on home, and not to worry I
would be fine. I asked him just bring my bowl home. So, I left the building and
walked down 13th East to 9th South. From there I walked down the hill to 3rd
East. From there it was an easy walk to 13th South. As I was walking home in
the dark, strains from the tragic aria of Madam Butterfly kept going
thru my head. It was so melodramatic but I couldn't help it. I was so mentally
exhausted by the time I got home; but Estelle was up and we visited. She said
she drove downtown and saw the temple and got a bite to eat. She caught me up
on news at Ticor but those days seem in the distant past. I went to bed at
ten-thirty wondering what to do about Russ. I really want him to leave but I
don't want him to stop coming to Church because of me. Anyways I heard Bob drop
Russ off shortly after I had went to bed. After coming into the house through
the backdoor, he called this Pedro friend of his, who has had the hots for him.
I couldn't help but over hear the conversation, and Russ said to this guy that
he was ready now to start a relationship with him. In other words, Russ wanted
to get laid tonight. I then heard him say some very unkind things about me to
Pedro and I just thought my heart would just explode. Russ told Pedro that he
would catch the last bus up State Street and then walk the rest of the way to
the Avenues in order to spend the night with him. I thought to myself, “You son
of a bitch. Here I am, and in love with you so much and you’d rather go all
that way and trouble to be with a stranger?” I was beside myself with anger. As
Russ started to leave the house, I opened my bedroom door and said in a very
cold, matter of fact way, that tomorrow I wanted the house key back and that he
is to leave as soon as possible. He just sounded sick when he said fine and
then left. If I had a knife in my heart I could not have been in any more pain.
Tomorrow I am going to tell Russ that he must be out by Tuesday. I know that it
doesn't seem like it, but I am doing this for me, not as a way to punish Russ.
I have to be good to myself, and Russ isn’t good for my mental health. I know a
lot of this isn’t his fault. It’s just that he pushes a lot of old John
Cunningham rejection buttons and is bringing up a lot of old unresolved issues.
Russ just doesn't see all the beauty that's within me. Will anyone? After Russ
left I laid in bed in a complete state of heart ache. I thought about calling
Fran but I don't have the phone number where she is staying. I then decided to
call Bob McIntier since he is the Branch President. I asked Bob if I could come
over because I was so miserable and didn't want to be alone, but what he said
to me was like cold water thrown in my face. Bob said that I was welcome to
come over but that he wanted to make it perfectly clear that I had to sleep in
the guest room because he wasn't going to "sleep" with members of the
Church! I was shocked because I was looking for solace not sex! I'm sure his
intentions were better than the sound of his words but I was devastated. I said
never mind. My well is tapped dry. I am bottomed out. I have no more tears. I
am just dried up.
Additional Material "Kiss" by Prince
& The Revolution is number one song on national charts
20 April 1986 Sunday
I slept very little after having a miserable
and terribly worrying night. I even had nightmares about Russ Lane. I had such
a bad spirit with me. Anyway after getting up, I fixed Estelle Reilly and me a
good country breakfast of biscuits and gravy. She said she slept well on the
couch. She wanted to go see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sing this morning so I
said she better hurry and get ready.
This morning, seeing that Russ was still gone,
I couldn't bear to remain in the house so I took Estelle to Temple Square and
since it was an absolutely gorgeous day, after dropping her off I went over to Johnny Welch's to bring him
some books on Egypt that I had and also to visit. I was there about 9 but no
one answered the door, so I went to a car wash place on 3rd East and cleaned
the car, hoping that by the time I was finished Johnny would be home or up. I
was also hoping that Jon Butler would be there too, because I really needed to
talk to him about my feelings for Russ. When I returned, Johnny answered the
door but Jon wasn't there, so we sat and visited until noon. Then we went for a
little walk. I got sunburned on my face, some, because it was so warm. Anyway,
Johnny and I got to talking and naturally the conversation returned back to
Russ. I told Johnny that I wanted to throw Russ out but didn't know how. Johnny
gave me some excellent advice from the 12 step program. He said "Let the
Spirit Direct". He also gave me a copy of a poem written by John Burroughs
entitled "WAITING". I just absolutely adored it and meant so much to
me. It was like it was written for what I am going through. Well Johnny wanted
me to stay for dinner but I said that I had to go and pick Estelle up from the
Crossroads Mall and then get ready for Sacrament Meeting. By the time Estelle and I came home, Russ had
returned and was typing some things for Affirmation. I told him that when he
was finished I wanted to talk to him. He said that we could talk now so we went
back into his room and sat on his bed. I first of all said, “I was not doing
this because of you but because of things within me.” I explained that he was
pushing too many of my John Cunningham buttons and while it's not his fault, I
for my mental health sake, I have to ask him to leave. Russ then replied that
he could be out Tuesday and I said that would be fine.Then I continued saying
that since he felt like I was violating his "space", I shouldn't do
things for him anymore and that he should hand over the house key and take the
bus to work. At that point Russ just exploded. There was no other way to
describe it. I guess I pushed one of his buttons, and he started raging at me
turning red in the face and was just screaming at me. He yelled that I was
being manipulative and that he was mad as hell that Fran and I were thinking
that he was ripping us off. He was threatening and very violent, and out of the
blue he called me “Edgar”, just the way John Cunningham would have said it when
he was so frustrated with me. It actually shocked me because I don’t think that
Russ even knows that my real name is Edgar. Immediately I felt the Spirit say
to me, "Just be calm, listen, and all will be well". After he calmed
down slightly, and I knew that he was not going to hit me, I said, “Russ,
neither Fran nor I believe that you are taking advantage of us. The point of
all this is, that I am not mature enough to handle the fact that you will be
leaving me." At those words Russ who had been towering over me in rage,
fell into my arms and we just held each other so tightly and cried and cried.
We cried out all our fears and spoke of the love we have for one another. We
cried and apologized and cried some more. When I looked up Estelle was standing
in the doorway. When she saw me she disappeared out the door. Before I could
say anything, Bob McIntier dropped over on his way to Sacrament and Russ said
that I should tell Bob how my feelings were hurt by him from last night when I
had asked him to stay with him and he thought all I wanted was sex. Accordingly
I did and Bob then sat down next to me and held me on my right and said that he
was sorry and that what I heard was not how he felt. I said that while my head
knew that was true at the time, my heart was not listening. I said I am so new
at all this. I want to do what is right, and Bob said that we will work it all
out but now it was time for us to get Sacrament together. So, Bob left for
Church to set things up at the Crossroad Urban Center while Russ and I stayed a
little longer. I laid my head on Russ broad chest, and it felt so secure. We
hugged each other and then Russ said that he had had some real resentment
against me but that they were gone now after getting this all off his chest. He
said that he loved me and appreciated all that I did for him and he said that
when people thank him for Affirmation he will say "You should thank Fran
and Ben for making it possible". We then kissed. Out on the porch Estelle
was smoking away. I waved to her then rushed off to Church where we were a
little late for Sacrament. Bob was presiding today and the talk was on the
Temple’s Oaths and Covenants in preparation for those who will be going to the
initiatory ordinances in Los Angles. I had brought cupcakes. At church Russ
introduced me to his cousin Randy Holladay. That was sure a shock. I had no
idea that that this man who was supposed to originally put Russ up when he
first came to Salt Lake is the same man I met last February at the central
library. He was the guy that was so instrumental in my decision to come out of
the closet. What a small, small world. God does work in wondrous ways. That’s
all I can say. After Church, Russ had to stay in the building because he didn't
have a key to lock up and besides he said he wanted to work on some Affirmation
things. I went home to face Estelle. She didn’t say anything to me, but she had
her suit case packed and said that she was ready to leave and wanted to get
back home to rest before going back to work. I didn’t protest but thanked her
for coming and said I was sorry that Fran wasn’t here and I didn’t get to show
her around the city.
She said “I’ve seen enough” which I wasn’t
sure how to take. But I dropped her off at the Greyhound, waved goodbye and
left to get ready for Affirmation. Tonight was a social meeting and we played
Trivia Pursuit and other board games. Thus the day ended so much better than
the day began. It came from listening to the Spirit.
Additional material John Burroughs born in Roxbury, New York, April 3, 1837; died March
29, 1921. Considered in his day the foremost naturalist of America, Mr.
Burroughs was also one of the foremost men of letters and had the distinction
of having been one of the first to recognize and proclaim the genius of Walt
Whitman. He grew interested in the poetry of Walt Whitman, whom he frequently
defended in literary arguments and later met during a period when Burroughs and
his wife were separated. Whitman would become a life-long friend of the
Burroughs, and vainly attempted to reconcile the two. Whitman encouraged
Burroughs to develop his nature writing, and Burroughs' work in turn improved
Whitman's own perceptions of nature. In 1867, Burroughs published Notes on Walt
Whitman as Poet and Person, the first biography and critical work on the poet,
extensively revised and edited by Whitman himself.
WAITING by John Burroughs (1837-1921)
Serene I fold my hands and wait
Nor care for wind nor tide nor sea
I rave no more gainst time or fate
For lo my own shall come to me
I stay my haste I make delays
For what avails this eager pace
I stand amid the eternal ways
And what is mine shall know my face
Asleep awake by night or day
The friends I seek are seeking me
No wind can drive my bark astray
Nor change the tide of destiny
What matter if I stand alone
I wait with joy the coming years
My heart shall reap where it has sown
And garner up its fruits of tears
The waters know their own and draw
The brook the springs in yonder heights
So flows the good with equal law
Unto the soul of pure delights
The stars come nightly to the sky
The tidal wave unto the sea
Nor time nor space nor deep nor high
Can keep my own away from me
Serene I fold my hands and wait
What e're the storms of life may be
Faith guides me up to heaven's gate
And love will bring my own to me
- Utah State Attorney
Says Contracting AIDS is Not by Itself Classed as “Handicap” (SLTribune
B14-1)
- The Royal Court of the
Golden Spike's 7th annual Golden Spikes Award ceremony held at Backstreet.
The Golden Spike Humanitarian Award given to Herman Moore (Donnie Marie)
for service to the Gay community. On 3 Sept 1996 Empress XII of the Royal
Court of the Golden Spike Empire, “Donnie Marie” Herman Moore, died of
AIDS age 43,
21 April 1986 Monday:
The walls are going up at work and coming down
at home. Ed Rogers bought some panels to enclose the examiners and I think they
really look nice. He got them from CSF. That was Gary Sheets old company that
went bankrupt. Fran and Tony Fillman returned home while I was at work. In the
evening Jon Butler and Gordon Jones dropped by so that I could teach Jon some
title insurance terms so he would have some knowledge of the business when he
is interviewed.
They were here when Fran came home from Taylor
Maid and she was so ugly and rude to Russ. She was bitching about the utility
bills, blaming them on Russ, which is unfair, so we really got into a quarrel
over it. However Jon Butler's sweet spirit was able to sense the mood of the
situation and was able to temper it before it blew up out of control. Fran told
Jon that she really hates Russ. If she could only realize that Russ isn't the
bad guy in this situation she would mellow out. I know it. So, I brought Russ
out into the front room and had Fran hold him, and then I held her and then we
all held each other in a circle. Jon, Gordon, Russ, my wife, and me, all
holding each other and trying to solve a lot of issues and differences. I don't
know how things are going to work out but communication is the key. All that is
in the news is Geraldo Rivera opening Al
Capone's secret vault and discovering only a bottle of moonshine.
22 April 1986 Tuesday:
What an absolutely wonderful evening. The
Lesbian and Gay Student Union at the University of Utah sponsored a concert by
Romanovsky and Phillips, a Gay folk singing dual, as part of Gay Awareness
Week. I've heard some of their songs on KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians
and in person they were absolutely delightful. We went because Bob Mclntier
suggested that we all go as part of a Family Home Evening Activity for the
branch, but the only ones that went from Church were Russ Lane, Mike Howard,
Bob McIntier, and me. Jon and Gordon said that they didn't want to come along
but I really think that while Jon kind of did, he didn't have the money to buy
both Gordon and him tickets. I went because Russ bought my ticket as a sweet
surprise. Tickets were $5 and all the proceeds went to AIDS research. There was
a pretty good turnout at the concert and it was the first time I went out in
public to a Gay activity. I was nervous but glad I did because a good time was
had by all. I am starting to get to know Mike Howard better. I think he's
really a sweet man and is very kind and attentive to me. The song “Closet Case”
about a closeted married man made me cry.
Additional Material Romanovsky and Phillips began their career at San Francisco's Valencia
Rose Cafe in 1982 as the musical break for Gay Comedy Open Mike Night, sharing
the stage with many other performers destined for success including Lea Delaria
and Marga Gomez. Before long they were dubbed them the "Gay Simon and
Garfunkel." Bolstered by their local success, they mounted their first
national tour in the fall of 1983.
CLOSET CASE from I Thought You'd Be Taller Album 1984
Working in a suit and tie On the twenty-second floor
A wife who cooks and stays at home And
children to support
And they provide some comfort From your
worries and your cares
But you get your kicks in tearooms From
ten-minute love affairs
And that's just fine You won't find a lecture
here
But you get more unhappy With each passing
year
At the office Christmas party Your wife is by
your side
But with all the pretty women It's the men who
catch your eye
The old ones are distinguished And the young
ones are so sweet
And you would like to dance with them But you
have to be discreet
Holding onto ideal That you don't understand
Sacrificing all the love You'd like to give to
a man
Martinis on a Friday Business lunch at noon
The secretary's curious Why you left your desk
so soon
Rushing out to meet someone That you never
thought would call
'Cause you were slightly older And he was dark
and tall
Now he is there beside you But there's no
place to go'
Cause he has got a roommate And you've got a
family at home
Closet case
23 April 1986 Wednesday
I have been depressed all day because Russ
Lane told me that he has found a place to move into and he has even put a
deposit down on it. He said that he will be ready to move out this Saturday. In
the evening, I went over to Bob McIntier’s home to get a Temple Recommend to go
through the Temple in Los Angles for the first Initiatory Ordinances of the
Restoration Church. Bob is the Presiding Elder in Salt Lake so I had to be
interviewed by him. Only two questions are asked during the Restoration
Church’s Temple recommend interview. They are “Do you love God with all thy
strength heart and mind and what are you doing to show it?" and "Do
you love your neighbor as yourself and what are you doing to show it?"
After the Interview Bob and I just talked awhile about the church’s growth and
especially about how bummed I was about Russ leaving. It's like all I do is cry
now. In the news film director Otto
Preminger died. His film Advise and
Consent was the first American film to show inside a Gay Bar.
24 April 1986 Thursday
Russ and I sat in his room in the dark for
over 2 hours talking about what we have been through together in such a short
time. I cried the whole time and said my goodbyes then. I told him then that I
would love to help him move, but I can't. It hurts so much to see him go and I
just don't think I'd be able to bear it.
25 April 1986 Friday:
As Russ packed to moved out of the house, my
wife, Tony Fillman and I went to the movies and saw a supposedly scary movie at
the Valley Fair 4 for a dollar called
"House". It was really stupid and we even walked out of the
second feature Crossroads it was so bad. I wasn't really watching the
movies anyway because in the darken theater all I could do is think of Russ
leaving. When we left the show, to our surprise, it was snowing and it was
sticking to the ground. I am so very tired and went straight to bed. Russ is
spending his last night at our place so we could both go into work tomorrow for
overtime and I am the only one with a key to the building.
26 April 1986 Saturday:
It was snowing as Russ and I went to work this
morning and soon a real blizzard blew in dumping several inches of snow.
Because so many others came into work to get the company's production down,
Utah Title sprang for breakfast. We only worked until noon when by then the
snow had stopped. I asked Russ if he wanted to go grocery shopping with me and
he did, so we spent some more time together. I bought about $60 worth of
groceries at Smith's Food King and really didn't get all that much. The only
extra thing I bought was some essence oil called "Spring Rain". It
smells so good on me and even Russ likes it. After dropping Russ off at his new
apartment at 340 South 600 East he asked me to come in to see it. He's on the
second floor of the Juel Apartment and his place is cute and only $200 a month
furnished and with heat paid! I was happy for him but I felt so sad about going
home to an empty house. Fran came home from work at Taylor Maid early because
she wasn't feeling well. Bronchitis maybe. I just feel so lethargic myself. I
have no energy. I am so stressed out and I guess cried out. I needed to get out
of the house so I attended a Gay Pride Day planning meeting held at the Salt
Lake Public Library in the late afternoon. In attendance were only four guys,
Beau Chaine, Donny Eastepp, Mark Lamar, and me. In the evening, I went shopping
at Weinstock's at the Crossroads Mall and this real cute sales clerk named
Darren Smith waited on me. He said something cute like "Shop until you
drop", and I did. I bought over $300 worth of clothes. Lots of Summer and
Spring things. Well, I really don't have anything to wear and I haven't bought
clothes for myself in years. Everything I bought is so cute, lots of pastels,
muslins, peach and turquoise things. Anyways tonight is Daylight Savings Time
and it’s the first time that Fran and I have really been alone in probably a
month. Even our animals seem mopey without all the company. In the news one of
the reactors at the Chornobyl (Chernobyl) nuclear plant in the Soviet Union exploded.
Thirty-one people were are killed directly by the accident
Additional Material The Juel Apartment building,
located in the Central City Historic District at 340 South 600 East was
demolished by Rob Fetzer of Salt Lake Apartment Buildings in 2004. On this date
September 1, 2004 Case No. 018-04, he requested post-demolition approval of
plan for the Juel Apartment Building.
- "Addicted To
Love" by Robert Palmer is number one song on national charts
27 April 1986 Sunday
Today was hard on me because I am going
through withdrawals from Russ Lane. It’s a hard time for Fran too with all the
changes in my life that is affecting our marriage. I am so very tired, so
tired. What does the Bard say about not loving wisely but too well? The house
is a wreck again but I don't care. I'm just like a zombie. Because I was
feeling low, I went shopping again but this time at Sears on State Street and
8th South. I bought a tweed sports jacket that looks absolutely handsome on me.
At 1 in the afternoon, I went over to Bob McIntier's house in the Morton
Meadows area to be interviewed by Tony Feliz who came up this weekend with
Lamar Hamilton to interview people for the Initiatory Ordinances. When Tony
interviewed me, I was perturbed that he asked me questions about tithing, as
well as the question Bob had asked me before. I told him I didn't like that. I
was also quite candid with him, telling him that I wasn't quite sure what I
think of his new "prophetic calling". Elder Lamar Hamilton and I talked
awhile about my responsibilities as a Bishop Agent while at Bob's. He gave me
some tithing receipt books and other stuff that I am responsible for. After we
finished visiting about my calling, I saw Jon Butler and went and sat next to
him. Being with him he put his arms around me and I suddenly started to weep
about Russ leaving. I can't believe how much it hurts to have Russ out of the
house, where I could take care of him and love him. Sacrament Meeting at the
Crossroads urban center was wonderful and the meeting was filled with the
spirit, I think because Elder Hamilton is here. President Feliz, as he is now
recognized as head of the church, organized us officially into a Branch today
with Bob Mclntier being called to be the Branch President and Mike Howard as
his first Counselor. That came as a complete surprise to me because I was under
the impression that we had been organized last Easter. Still, I was so excited
for Mike. I recognized that Mike has a sweet spirit since I first met him and
anyone else living close to the Spirit could feel it too. We had about 15
people at the meeting today and Elder Lamar Hamilton shared a revelation he had
received regarding Our Mother In Heaven. The revelation was given to us to read
and will be voted on at June Conference. It was sweet and beautiful. We closed
our meeting singing “The Spirit of God Like A Fire Is Burning". We were
almost shouting the words; the spirit was that strong with us. After Sacrament
meeting, I visited with and greeted everyone who had come to church while Tony
Feliz was interviewing several people for Temple Recommends. Anyway, I stayed
at the Crossroad Urban Center for Affirmation and I tried to stay through the
whole meeting but my heart was so torn over seeing Russ, knowing now I will
always be sharing him. I had to leave. I've tried to deny, deny, deny but I do
love Russ. But this too shall pass! All I seem to do anymore is cry. Fran
wasn't able to attend today because she has bronchitis. She went to the urgency
care doctor's this morning and he said to stay home and rest.
28 April 1986 Monday:
I felt so drained all day. I am so tired. I'm
on my new schedule now working 9 to 6 with an hour off for lunch. Fran took me
to work so she could have the car so I walked home. It seems so strange not to
have Russ with me in the mornings and going home with me at night. Well, I know
I have to let Russ go and get on with my life but I don't know how. Today out
of the blue Fran said that she wanted to be baptized into the Restoration
Church. I had given her blessing yesterday when she was so sick and today she's
well. Thus, she's convinced now that I still have my Priesthood and that
perhaps what we have been teaching about the Priesthood in the Restoration
Church is really true. Tony Fillman is back staying with us and now Fran wants
Jon Butler to also come live with us. On TV tonight a rerun of "An Early
Frost" was shown. It is about a boy who has AIDS. I bawled all through it.
What is wrong with me?
Additional Material- An Early Frost, broadcast on 11 November 1985 on the NBC network,
was the first American made-for-television movie and the second prime-time
dramatic program to acknowledge the presence and spread of AIDS in the 1980s.
Because the movie was about the potentially controversial topic of
homosexuality and the impact of AIDS on the beleaguered community of gay men,
much care went into the preproduction process.
29 April 1986 Tuesday
I went over to Russ Lane’s apartment today for
lunch since the Juel Apartment is just across the street from work on 600 East,
if you go out the back door and cut across the parking lot. I brought my own
lunch to work, but I wasn't hungry so I gave it to Russ. At his place we had a
heart to heart talk, and I told him how I really felt about him and he said
that he really missed me but not in the same way I miss him. When lunch was
over I made up my mind to let Russ go, and to get on with my life even if it does
hurt like hell. Doris, a fellow title examiner at work who analyses handwriting
for a hobby, gave me back mine and I was surprised how accurate it was. She
said that I was strong willed but hopelessly romantic. After work I took the
5th East Bus home and fixed spaghetti for dinner. Later I then went over to
Johnny Welch's because he didn't look very well on Sunday. I wanted to see how
he was feeling and was surprised to see that Randy Holladay was over visiting
him too and that they were friends. It's strange how life runs in circles. I
bought another tweed jacket at Sears today because they were on sale for $80
instead of $150. I will pick both of them up tomorrow after having them
tailored to fit better. Anyway, I got to get Russ out of my system. I’ve got to
fill the void with something else. I get such a comfort out being of service to
the Lord and knowing that He loves me. I need to through myself back into
service.
30 April 1986 Wednesday:
I'm still hurting over the vacancy that Russ
Lane's leaving has created in my life when he moved out. Kent Allen came over
today and picked up the cot that Russ
had been using, and now the back room seems so empty. After Russ left, I use to
go and sleep on the cot just to feel closer to Russ but now my tears have
exhausted me. Russ invited me over for lunch today and we had tuna fish
sandwiches. But I'm so sad all the time. It's like I'm mourning all over again
for John Cunningham. I'm going into work at 9 now instead of 8 and I work until
6. Today I worked until six-thirty when I had to stop because my eyes started
twitching from reading so many documents and looking at a computer screen. When
I left work, I stopped by Johnny Welch's to give him a copy of the revelation
on Our Mother in Heaven that was handed out last Sunday. So ends an exciting,
painful, and spiritual month. My life has changed so much since the beginning
of the month and yet it is the same. I'm a Bishop Agent in the Restoration
Church of Jesus Christ and have left the LDS Church entirely. I have a firm
testimony of the Restoration Church in my life now but I'm still concerned
about its leadership. I don't understand the need of the High Priest quorum that Tony Feliz is advocating and who died
and made him prophet? The church in the beginning said revelation would be
poured out upon all the members of the church. All in all, April was a fun
month, with meeting new people and being of service to the Lord. I'm sad to see
it over so soon. But I am glad that I am actually feeling emotions again, which
I had long suppressed, and buried deep inside me. I think they are bubbling to
the surface through my tear ducts.
MAY 1986
1 May 1986 Thursday
Today was such a hard day for me at work and
it didn't help matters at all that Fran treated me like shit this morning. I
was tired and just wanted to have some time to myself to write some things for
church before going into work. Well, she kept interrupting my train of thought
by asking me one trivial thing after another. It was irritating. I explained
that I wanted to write my thoughts down and she said hatefully, "Fuck
You”. I really don’t think I deserve that and I’m really getting tired of it.
The house is a complete pig sty and I refuse to clean up after Tony Fillman and
Fran anymore. I refuse. I'm exhausted mentally and physically, to the breaking
point. Fran only works at Taylor Maid less than ten hours a week and when I see
how she lets the house get so unkempt, it really makes me understand that she
really doesn't love me. You serve those who you love and I’ve cooked, cleaned
and have gone to work every day, to take care of Fran and I am wondering what
am I getting back out of this? Sarcasm. “Fuck You’s”, and emotional roller
coasters. One minute she’s all excited
about the church and next she disparages
it at every turn. Oh, and Cigarette ashes are everywhere since Tony got Fran
back to smoking. Well, I’m tired of her excuses about not being interested in
keeping the house up anymore. I’m not going to live like this anymore. It’s too
psychologically depressing. If Fran wants to dwell in the past and stay in a
Church that has done nothing but despise her for not being able to be a baby
machine, then fine for her, but I've made my break with that Church and I say
good riddance to all that Old Testament rubbish. I wonder if Fran and I are
just putting off the inevitable divorce. Even with all her protesting that she
loves me, I don't believe that she even likes me as I'm becoming. And if she
loves me why doesn't she take care of me? I do not require high maintenance. If
I'm not fulfilling her emotional needs anymore, let alone sexual needs since
we've stopped having sex over a year ago, than perhaps she needs to find
someone who will give her what she needs. I can't any longer. I know I will not
go back to the LDS Church, and that is at the root of all our fights probably
even more than my being Gay. It really frightens her that I can give up something
so easily, something which I was devoted to and had loved for long and even
desperately for 15 years. Well, when it’s over it’s over. The Mormons tapped
that well dry and I am just dry bones in the Mormon Church. Fran is also angry
that I am leaving this weekend to go to California to have my temple initiatory
ordinances done. Angry or not, I am going. At work Russ Lane is so smitten with
this Mark Mabey guy who is one of our customers. He sings in his silly way, the
tune ”The wicked will be smitten at last" and then says that he must
really be wicked because he's smitten with Mark. Oh brother.
2 May 1986 Friday
During the lunch hour I went over to Russ Lane’s new apartment and we again talked
about our ongoing relationship. He said that he needs his space, and that while
he loves me, he’s not in love with me. How many times do I have to hear this
before it sinks in? We held each other, and I cried a little, and told Russ
that I want to let him go but because I love him, it’s hard. But if I do love
Russ, I must let him have his own space and the time to accomplish all he needs
to do. We cried in each other's arms and I felt his spirit and understood his
heart, but I am in so much pain at the loss of his daily association. Should
love hurt so much? Bob McIntier picked me up right after work, and we left for
California at six-thirty p.m. to begin our long journey. Fran did not even say
goodbye. In Provo we stopped and picked up Mike Howard. He’s living at home
still so we met his mother who is such a neat lady. He’s out to her and her one
concern is his happiness. I really felt her spirit because she is so Christ-like.
We three are the only ones from Salt Lake City that decided to go to California
for the Initiatory Ordinances of the Temple. I would not have missed going for
the world. Bob, Mike and I really got to know each other during the long trip
and we talked about the Gospel and Gay issues. Oddly we also talked about Mary
and her relationship to us as Gay men. That was extremely curious because most
Mormons could care less about the mother of Christ. She is not really a part of
Mormon theology. Anyway, we drove straight through the night and it was a fun
if exhausting adventure.
3 May 1986 Saturday
We arrived at Bro. Lamar Hamilton's home in
Sunland, which is in the San Fernando Valley, at six :thirty this morning so it
took us a little more than 12 hours to get here. He was away in Palm Springs
but has let his home be used for members of the church. At Lamar's we all tried
to sleep some, but I was too wired up and was only able to get about an hour of
real sleep. And even that was fitful because of my longing for the company of
Russ Lane. The absence of him welded up in my heart so much that I began to
weep uncontrollably for about 2 hours. I had exhausted myself when I felt
prompted to write an Epistle of Comfort to my heart, and it was so beautiful to
me. I wrote that the Lord said that one of his purpose in coming to the world
was to bind up the broken hearted and if I would keep my heart soft and
breakable and not let it get harden by the world, then He would use me to bless
the lives of others. I was promised if I do so He would keep my heart from
actually breaking. I felt from the spirit that He could do this because He
understands the human heart, and how it can indeed break because He died of a
broken heart on the cross. After writing down these thoughts, I was then
prompted to go ask Mike Howard for a blessing. Mike Howard gave one of the most
beautiful blessings I had ever received in my life. He blessed me that I would
be free from the pain of the longing for Russ and that I then would be free to
be attendant to the things of the Spirit. He commanded the pain to leave and it
did. I love Mike for that and for his compassion towards me. Immediately I felt
a weight lifted, and I felt good enough to call Mom and Dad to let them know
that I am in California. They said they wanted to come and get me so we could
visit, even if only for a few hours. They drove up from Orange County to San
Fernando Valley, and we found a Sizzlers Steakhouse. It was so good to see Mom
and Dad, especially since my marriage to Fran is dissolving. I hadn't seen my
parents since last August when I moved back to Utah. I felt like I was looking
good in my light grey slacks, pink shirt and grey tweed jacket. After eating,
my parents drove me to Orange County where I got to see some of the rest of the
family. I stayed there in Garden Grove until about 6 in the evening when I had
to be over to Downey for the Initiatory Ordinances. Mom and dad were not at all that curious why I had come
down from Utah without my wife. Once I said it had something to do about church
they lost interest. They have always been upset that I joined the Mormon
Church. After dropping me off in Downey, I stayed at Pam Calkins and Lynn
LeMaster’s apartment, way into the night. I was excited to be there. There were
people already there when I came, and some others came even after I did. The Tabernacle was a portable white canvas or
muslin tent constructed with pc pipes so that it could be put up quickly and
taken down quickly. It was located in a spare bedroom while we who were waiting
for our ordination were seated in the living room. After everyone, who said they
were coming to the ordination, was there, President Feliz offered a beautiful
dedicatory prayer. In his dedicatory prayer he said that we who are here are
truly pioneers and its hard work being pioneers. Amen to that. I am so filled
with the spirit that I feel like shouting Hosanna yet at the same time the
spirit is speaking such peace to my soul. A sweet spirit rested upon me after
the prayer and I know that what we are doing in the Restoration Church, in
Christ’s name and for the love of him, is Holy and of God. Coincidently, or
maybe not, there are twelve of us here for the first ordinance to be performed
in this Tabernacle of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints. As
we each quietly reflected while waiting each of our turn, I thought to myself
that I am so grateful to be surrounded by such lovely people. I do love Pam
Calkins. What a mighty prophetess we have in our midst. Even President Feliz
was sweet and humble. While sitting and waiting, I looked across the room and
saw this young man. The spirit spoke to me and said, "Know him", so I
went over to him and said, "I need to know you." That was a very
strange for me to do but he told me that his name was Mark Blutto. I asked him
for his address so we could correspond when I return to Salt Lake. I was
sitting next to Bob McIntier and he was so sweet and had a calming effect on
me. Without words he whispered to my soul and we embraced. I love him and Mike
Howard so very much. I know they are called of God and are Godly men. I want to
capture the feelings of having my washing and anointing performed in the
Tabernacle of the Lord. As I am sitting in the Tabernacle of the Lord in Los
Angeles County, California, where it is set up in the home of Sisters Pamela
Calkins and Lynn LeMasters, it's nearly 9 p.m. Although I am weary from the
lack of sleep and from the drive down from Salt Lake City, I have a sweet
peaceful feeling about me as I sit in Pam and Lynn's front room. I am waiting
to have my washing and anointing performed or rather renewed since I've already
taken out my endowments. When it was my turn I undressed and I found it so
natural to have Elder Pamela Calkins performs the washing part of the
ordination. It was sweet, and sacred. Elder Antonio Feliz performed the
anointing of oil. The spirit I felt here is greater, more real, more profound
love then I ever received in the LDS Church. I felt the real presence of Spirit
and of Angels. After I came from the ordination room those who were in the
living room hugged and kissed me.
Additional Material Mark Douglas Bluto was born in Vermont on December 16, 1951. He died
in Orange, CA, on May 6, 1987 of AIDS
- "West End
Girls" by Pet Shop Boys is number one song on national charts
4 May 1986 Sunday
After the ordinances yesterday, Bob McIntier
and I drove back to Sunland, while Mike Howard stayed with Eddie Muldong at
Lynn Lemasters and Pam Calkin’s apartment. Lamar Hamilton is away all this
weekend in Palm Springs and it sure was sweet of him to let us stay at his
house. I think however that he’s away because he doesn’t quite approve of the
church doing temple ordinations so quickly. At least that is what Mark Blutto
implied. Tony Feliz, when he was married, had been set apart to be a Los
Angeles Temple Worker. When Harold B. Lee was giving him a blessing, he told
Tony that he would be instrumental in bringing the blessings of the Temple to
his people. Tony said that at the time he thought the Lord meant Latinos but
since coming to term with being Gay, he realizes now that the Lord meant that
the blessings of the temple were to be given to Gay people. This morning Bob
and I had to get up early, to be in Downey/Bellflower by 11 to participate in a
Prayer Circle. We needn’t have rushed however because President Feliz was late
arriving because he's staying at Mark Bluto's and Mark decided not to
participate. So those who did participate were John Crane, Antonio Feliz, Pam
Calkins, Mike Howard, Bob McIntier, and I. It was a sweet, holy, and sacred
experience. While waiting for Tony to arrive, I asked Pam Calkins for a
blessing. I felt I needed a blessing from a woman's heart. The Lord spoke
through Pam to me about things about Fran and I that only the Lord would have
known. I was so moved by the Spirit that I was in tears and the blessing lasted
nearly a half hour. Lynn, who had laid her hands on my head with Pam, was so
overcome by the Spirit that she collapsed and almost passed out. It was such a
beautiful and powerful blessing and it was directed towards Fran as well as me.
The Lord said that I was to put Fran’s needs first in my life and resolve our
relationship and by doing so eventually the Lord would allow others to come
into my family. Back to the Prayer Circle, I felt that the Lord was watching
over me. I added several names to the prayer list including my parent’s names,
Steve and Meg Madsen, my uncle Milton Williams, and of course John Cunningham.
Strange, I didn’t include my wife’s name, now that I think about it. In the
Prayer Circle, Tony Feliz mentioned again that we were the pioneers and that
it’s hard work, and scary, to be pioneers but I added "Yes but it’s also
exciting!" And I am excited about this great and gloriest movement brought
about by the Lord to gather the harvest, or more like it, to glean the fields
for that which no one else wants. The good shepherd is looking for all His
little Lambs who have gone astray. We stayed in the sacred prayer room for
about two and a half hours discussing sacred matters of the Kingdom of God.
Most of the details of what went on in the prayer circle are too sacred to
reveal now, but Tony Feliz did share with us, who were present, some sacred
matters that only those who had chosen to come to this Prayer Circle were to
know. He said that the Lord told Tony that those of us who were present at this
Prayer Circle were to be His servants because of our faith and diligence. He
more or less said that we would be called to the High Priest Quorum of the
Church. Anyways I never felt the spirit as strong as I did there, and the
atmosphere was so Holy that we were all shedding tears of joy and love! Simply
put we had an out pouring of the Spirit. After the Prayer Circle ended, we all
had to rush to get to church on time in Hollywood. The church here in Los
Angeles meets in a Methodist Church in the Los Feliz district. The L.A. group
also have a Priesthood meeting as well as a Sacrament. The Priesthood lesson,
oddly enough, was given by David Ewing on the nature of Mary, the Mother of
Christ. David used to be a Catholic Priest and a lot of what he said about the
nature of Mary was lost on me, but I do feel like there is a lot of truth in
the concept that Mary who had her “calling and election made sure” from the
time of her birth, was sinless and a pure vessel to bare the Lord. As to
whether she may be indeed our Heavenly Mother, whose Spirit was allowed to gain
a body at the Meridian of Time so She could bare her Son, is open to
speculation but it makes sense. If this is true then Mary was a wife of
Heavenly Father from the beginning of time and not His daughter. Thus it was
lawful for Him to conceive with Mary.
It's really interesting and strange how that Bob, Mike, and I were
prompted to discuss the nature of Mary on our trip down to California. We had
no idea that this would be the topic for the lesson today. Perhaps Heavenly
Mother will reveal herself through the Restoration Church. Today was Fast and
Testimony meeting and it was so beautiful. Sacrament was blessed by Michelle
and Janice, two straight women who had joined the church. Michelle Hopkins is
about 50 years old, and Janice is about 40. Both are very intelligent but in an
unorthodox quirky kind of way, I can see how they could not conform to the LDS
rigid view of womanhood. When Michelle and Janice blessed and passed the
Sacrament wine and bread, I started crying because then I knew that God loves
all His children, male and female, without regards to gender. The Spirit
testified to me that it was right and proper that these straight women should
be Priesthood holders, and thus truly handmaidens to the Lord. After Tony Feliz
turned the time over for the bearing of Testimonies I was so bursting that I
had to go first. I couldn't help crying as I bore my testimony of how precious
and right it was to see women serving the Sacrament and I also expressed what a
sacred experience was had in the Tabernacle yesterday. I also said that I
wanted to express our love to the Los Angeles Family from the Branch in Salt
Lake City and how grateful we are for their faith and their work in the
Restoration movement. I bore my testimony that I believe Joseph Smith is
pleased with this work and that Christ is at its head and as long as He remains
there we cannot stray. I said that I believe Tony Feliz to be a prophet, that
Pam Calkins to be a prophet, Lamar Hamilton to be a prophet, and John Crane
also. I am grateful to belong to a Church where the gift of prophesy is poured
out upon our heads. Mike Howard bore his sweet testimony as did Bob McIntier.
Bob was so sweet to me and we held hands all through the meeting. On the other
side, I held hands with Lynn LeMasters. I felt so much love there. After
Sacrament we hugged and we kissed and fellowshipped each other before having a
pot Luck dinner which was great. I sat with Michelle and Janice and visited
with them. When we were ready to leave I hugged every member there and
expressed my gratitude to them because I told them what we have in Salt Lake is
built on a foundation laid down by them. It was a long drawn out process saying
goodbye to everyone until only Tony Feliz and Eddie Muldong were left with
Mike, Bob, and I. Tony stayed because he said he needed to interview Mike
Howard and Bob McIntier on some matter. Eddie stayed with us because he wanted
to be with Mike and also because he’s Tony’s ride. Besides that, Eddie has the
keys to lock up the building. While Mike was being interviewed Bob played Hymns
on the piano and I went over to Eddie Muldong and held him in my arms. We sat
and talked because he was feeling blue that Mike was leaving. He has a crush on
him and who wouldn’t? I said to him in effect paraphrasing the poem Waiting
“be patient in waiting for those who are seeking you. They will find you and
know your face”. He seemed a little comforted by that so I continued saying
“perhaps people are waiting to grow up or waiting for you to grow older.
Perhaps there's something the Lord has in mind for you that you don’t even know
about yet.” But when we left to return to Salt Lake, Eddie cried anyway. He’s
such a dear sweet spirit. Bob, Mike, and I were on the road after 9 at night.
However, we were feeling giddy and so
while in Hollywood so we decided to cruise up Hollywood Boulevard then down
Santa Monica. It was so much fun, just like my carefree college days. Bob
wanted to stop at this card shop on Santa Monica Boulevard so Mike and I hit
the street walking up to this corner to see how many offers we could get from
the men cruising for hired sex. It was so funny we laughed all the way back to
the car. We were on our way back to Utah after taking the San Bernardino
Freeway. Mike Howard drove all the way into Las Vegas. There we stopped at this
Carl Jr.'s hamburger joint where I took out my contacts. They felt like sand in
my eyes because I had not cleaned them in a couple of days. I didn’t bring my
contacts container to put them in so I improvised. I bought two condoms out of
a machine in the bathroom, filled them with a little water and put my contacts
in them. I tied the ends differently so I was able to keep them straight. I
think I was ingenious. Mike thought it was funny but practical. We were having
so much fun and seeing the bright lights of Las Vegas was dazzling. I drove out
of Las Vegas to just before Virgin River Canyon where Bob took over. I wanted
to drive further but said to Bob that I just could not keep my eyes open any
longer. It was nearly 4 in the morning.
5 May 1986 Monday:
Well, Bob took over driving this morning and
drove us into Utah to Cedar City where by then the sun was up. I drove from
Cedar City to Nephi, and Mike drove from Nephi on to Orem. All through the trip
we expressed our love and concern for each other by holding each other hands
and showing real brotherly concern. We rubbed each other’s stiff backs and
necks and made sure that each was doing okay. The Lord’s spirit was so
magnified among us as we traveled safely back home through the dark. What a
road trip. I came home to Roberta
Street, tired, and sleepy. I slept all day and didn't go into work. Russ Lane
called and said we need to talk tomorrow at lunch. Russ told me also that Jon
Butler was hired today at Utah Title as an entry level title examiner. I guess
he starts tomorrow. I haven’t seen much of Jon or Johnny Welch lately. I heard
that Johnny is moving to St, George or somewhere in Southern Utah because it
reminds him more of Egypt. I did tell Fran about our blessing from Pamela
Calkins and she just said “Big deal,” and lit up another cigarette. Tony
Fillman spent the weekend here and I guess will be staying permanently for a
while. I guess he doesn’t miss his wife and kid in Minnesota at all.
6 May 1986 Tuesday:
It was good to see Jon Butler at work today.
He’s actually starting out in the copy room until I can train him. Russ Lane
was all giddy today. He wanted to talk about Affirmation at lunch and said that
he’s looking for a new place to meet because the group has outgrown the
Crossroad Urban Center. He thinks it’s tacky there. I think its homey. I will
always have an attachment to the center and hope he doesn’t move us soon. I bet
he won’t because, if nothing else, the price is right. Free.
Fran and I are growing further and further
apart. She talks to Tony Fillman constantly about what is going on here and his
mother Linda Suazo in Levan is telling her to divorce me for leaving the LDS
Church. Russ says I should divorce Fran so I can live as a openly Gay man. It’s
not that simple. Besides I don’t know what we would do with our dogs Sam and
Toby and the cats if we split. We have had Sam since we were married in 1977
and he is getting pretty old but Toby is just about six years old. However, Toby
is totally devoted to Sam and it would break his heart to be separated from
him. It sounds silly but the dogs are the only children we have since the
doctors said that Fran and I are infertile together. If we’d had married other
people we probably could have had children.
Additional Material
John R. Crane receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 25, celebrating the Saints’ sacrifices in building a temporary tabernacle and performing Initiatory Ordinances. It calls the Saints to become living temples, establish Zion, and fulfill their divine calling as witnesses in the final dispensation, promising spiritual power and blessings through faith and charity. (1)
7 May 1986 Wednesday:
I went to John Cooper’s group Affirmation
group for the first time in months, just to get out of the house. It so strange
how I have out grown this little group in such a short time. In some ways it
feels like light years ago when I sat in my car debating whether or not to
enter the Crossroads Urban Center. There were only about five guys there
including John Cooper and myself. In some ways it was easier to share some
personal things that are going on in my life with them rather than with the
Wasatch group. John Cooper said that he’s thinking of moving to California and
if he does he will close the Salt Lake Affirmation group down. I guess he’s
been involved with it for over five years in one way or another. He’s been the
director for the past three years I think.
As much as I hate to admit it, Russ is really putting the fire back into
Affirmation. Every meeting there are more and more people.
Additional Material
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 23, which speaks on tithing, and how there is no “one true church” – just branches of God’s kingdom. (1)
8 May 1986 Thursday
No Entry
9 May 1986 Friday
No Entry
Additional Material Salt Lake Men’s Choir Third Annual Spring Concert held at Bryant
Intermediate School. Nearly 400 people attended. Directors were Brent Carter
and Farris Cooper. John Sasserman, Business Manager of Triangle Magazine
criticizes the Men’s Choir for not being open about being a Gay Men’s Choir.
Ric Belnap President of the Salt Lake Men’s Choir took exception to the
Triangles criticism.
10 May 1986- Saturday
No Entry
Additional Material AIDS in Utah was the subject of a roundtable broadcast on KSL
featuring, Dr. Harry Gibbons of the state health department, John Lorenzini
from AIDS Project Utah, Physician Kristen Ries MD and Immunologist Jay Jacobson
- "West End
Girls" by Pet Shop Boys is number one song on national charts.
11 May 1986 Sunday
Fran left last Friday with Tony Fillman for
Levan so I was on my own this weekend. I spent much of the weekend cleaning
house and doing laundry and taking care of the animals. They must feel
something is going on because they sure are clinging to me and they seem
agitated. I went to Sacrament Meeting and Jon Butler was there with Gordon
Jones. Bob McIntier presided and Mike Howard conducted the meeting. I am
feeling rather left out. I am the Bishop Agent and yet I am never called to any
church business meetings. I hear things second hand or sometimes not at all.
The only time I am called at all is to pick something up or set up the upstairs
room at the Crossroad Urban Center. The magic that was just last week seems to
be vaporizing quickly. So far the only thing I have been responsible for is
sending Bob and my tithing offerings off to Lamar Hamilton. Bob McIntier at the
end of the meeting asked if anyone would be willing to make an entrance for the
church at the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire's Coronation at the end of
the month. Before I realize what I was doing I volunteered. I have no idea what
Coronation is or for that matter is a Royal Court? Sometimes I wish the spirit
would quit pushing me. At Affirmation tonight, I bet there were thirty-five
people there. There were at least five on every couch, two deep on the floor
and at least seven were out in the foyer. I went out in the foyer to be with
people who were coming in late and greeted them. Russ Lane had some speaker for
tonight’s meeting but I couldn’t for the life of you tell you who it was. Some
church lady. After the meeting, I saw Russ just fawning over this new kid named
Frank Fatah. I visited with this other kid named Willy Marshall who came with
Jon Butler and Gordon Jones. I also met with this man who was at the Pride Day
meeting in the library, with a gorgeous smile and who just beamed friendliness.
His name is Beauchaine. He shakes everyone’s hand, pats them on the back and
makes you feel like he’s your long lost brother. How could you not like that?
He talked about some Gay community center that he’s involved with and the Gay
Hot line that people can call for help or information.
Additional Material
The patio is open at Backstreet with Michael Ball as manager. On 5 Jun
1990 Royal Court of the Golden Spike Emperor VII Michael Ball died at the age
36 of AIDS.
12 May 1986 Monday
No Entry
13 May 1986 Tuesday
It was a long day at work and I am mentally as
well as physically drained. More than that, I am emotionally drained. Yesterday
I was pretty good about pulling back from Russ Lane and trying to let him go,
then today he gives me a picture of himself with an endearing message written
on the back. I thought "Oh Shit” and I went over to his cubical and asked
him, "Why did you do that?” I couldn’t’ believe it. Just when I'm finally
letting go, he pulls me back in. So today I'm back to square one. I felt like I
needed to talk again to Russ, and explain how I feel about him giving me his
picture. I wanted to let him know that I was still trying to sort out my
feelings for him and this kind of mixed message doesn’t help. So I asked Russ
if I could come over for 15 minutes during lunch to talk and he said sure but
then mentioned that Frank Fatah was also coming over during lunch also and so
Russ asked me to wait until one before coming over. He would call me to let me
know if I could come over or not! It took me a while to realize what Russ had
done to me; the wounding was so clean and quick. I didn't even realize I was
wounded until I emotionally began to bleed. I went back to my terminal to think
why I was feeling so awful, then it dawn on me what he have done. I saw him
leave for lunch without even saying goodbye to me and I began to feel sicker
and sicker until it was after one o’clock. He didn't call. It was a good thing
that he didn't call me because by that time I was so mad that I would have told
him where to get off right there and then. By God I will not take a back seat
to Frank Fatah! What the fuck has he ever done for Russ that I should have to
come after him? Fuck that! All I have
ever asked from Russ is for him to treat me with some dignity and he
doesn't. Well I’m done with Russ this
time and he can’t hurt me anymore. If he can't be there for me, then I'm under
no obligation to be there for him. And for me to have to come after Frank!!
Unbelievable! I'm so upset I can't even cry. When Russ came back from lunch I
totally ignored him. I was professional but not personable. He called me on the
phone to joke with me but I was only civil to him not friendly. Russ went too
damn far this time and my heart just won't take it. Loving Russ hurts too much.
Needless to say I had a hard time keeping my composure at work for the rest of
the day and I worked late until 9 at night. At home, Jon Butler and Johnny
Welch invited Fran and I over for a late dinner. We stayed until ten-thirty and
Fran was fascinated with this woman named Lily who was also a guest. They
visited for most of the evening while I talked to Jon Butler about what Russ
did to me. Jon agreed that I deserve to be treated better than that. Well Russ
doesn't know it yet but he's going to miss me when I'm gone and I am gone. I
don't know what he could do to make it right again. I feel stronger about being
a Gay man and I know also that the Lord is binding up my broken heart because I
do feel His love and presence. The Lord promised me that if I would keep my heart
soft and tender he would bind up my broken heart and He has. So truly grateful
for that. It is interesting to me that when I reread a prompting given to me on
the 1st of April when I was trying to understand how there could be two quorums
of Apostles on the Earth at the same time, I had written that I believed that
Russ was the Lord's friend, but then I was prompted to change the wording to
that Russ was the Lord's servant. That’s a subtle change but now I think I
understand why. Like Fran said being a friend is a two way street. Today the
cute computer trouble shooter was working on my terminal for most of the day
and kept looking at me with really intense brown eyes. His smile sent a shiver
up my back and I felt kind of a lost opportunity when he left, a missed
connection.
14 May 1986 Wednesday
It was so hard today seeing Russ Lane so sad
this morning. It immediately softened my heart towards him. Later on,
encountering him in the dead file room, I said to him, "Russ I can handle
any fucking thing you can dish out-except for seeing you so sad.” But he
remained aloof and distant to me, and I towards him for the rest of the day.
Jon Butler and I went home for lunch and we talked for most of our lunch hour.
Jon is such a sweet man and I care for him but I'm not in love with him or him
with me. As we visited, he helped me understand that Russ is looking for a
knight in shining armor and I wasn't him. Jon said that he thought Russ is
rather frivolous at work and is going to get in trouble if he doesn't get more
serious. He said the girls in the copy room all gossip about Russ being Gay and
they wonder about me because I spend so much time with him. While it felt good
to have someone on my side, validating my feelings that what Russ is doing to
me is unworthy, deep inside I was leaping to Russ' defense. I'm such a fool.
Russ went home again for lunch without speaking to me. I was so hurt that I
took the picture that Russ gave me and placed it in his desk drawer along with
some the Mate' tea that I only bought to remind me of him. I didn't want it
anymore. Needless to say the rest of the afternoon was very stressful for me
but Bob Elcock called me into his office to ask if I knew of anymore people who
are looking for jobs? That really pleased me that he valued my opinion that
much. However, I told him I didn't know
of anyone who I could recommend. Certainly not Gordon Jones, who has really
turned into a mess. He is drinking so much and I hardly see him at church
anymore. Jon is trying to find an easy way to break up with him. Is there such
a thing? An easy way to break up? At the end of the day the sales rep, Carrie,
asked if I could stay and help after work with an office tour for customers. I
said, certainly, but that I had to leave at 6 to take care of some business but
I would be back in plenty of time. I didn't tell her but the business I had to
take care of was Russ. At 6:20 I went over to his apartment and said I needed
to talk to him. We sat on the couch about as far apart as we could and I began
to try and explain what I was feeling, and why. I let him know how much his
picture sent mixed messages to me about his feelings for me. We talked about
how hurtful it feels, my having to schedule time to even come and see him. I
told him that things are shaky in my own life right now with my wife. Russ just
got mad and we began to argue with each other and in the heat of the fight
Russ, again out of the blue, called me Edgar instead of Ben. He sounded just
like John Cunningham. It totally freaked me out. It startled Russ too and he
stopped yelling at me. It was the strangest thing. Am I really just resolving
old conflicts I had with John Cunningham through Russ Lane? That incident was
so bizarre that Russ and I calmed down and began to really talk and I finally
said to Russ that it was really hard on me to discern him as a friend and also
being in love with him too. But I said I will not let what never was affect the
friendship of what can be between us. We ended up holding each other before I
left to go back to the office. Time absolutely slipped away and it was nearly 8
when I got back there and I was supposed to be there to help on the tour at 7.
I thought my ass would really be grass but Carrie was really nice and said that
it was alright and I promised her that I would do it again for her whenever she
wanted me to.
15 May 1986 Thursday
Bob McIntier will be going to New Zealand on
business after all for a week but Tony Feliz is still coming up over Memorial
Day Weekend. My Aunt Amrie called this evening and asked me some questions
about title problems regarding her house in Anaheim Hills, and we visited for
an hour. I guess my uncle Milton is really having a hard time accepting my
cousin Gregory’s death and has turned to alcohol pretty badly. When I was in California at the
first of this month, I put his name in the Tabernacle prayer circle. I hope it
will help him. While we were visiting, I came out to my aunt an told her I am
Gay. She took it pretty well, but worried about how it will affect my marriage. Maria is the first person I have
ever told I was Gay since I told my
cousin Kay that I thought I was Gay back in 1971 when the family went back to
Texas for Grandma and Grandpa Johnson’s 50th Wedding Anniversary.
Marie didn’t think that I should tell mom and dad that I am Gay that it would
just hurt them. Maybe I won’t, after all they aren’t that involved in my life
anyway.. I read in the Tribune that the state epidemiologist said that
homosexuals from San Francisco and back east are bringing AIDS to Utah and are spreading the disease in
Utah, .
Additional Material
Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now canonized as HT&P 24, emphasizing establishing priesthood quorums over church structures, affirming sacred sealing power, and calling for unity, holiness, and reliance on the Spirit. Antonio is reaffirmed in his prophetic role and instructed to prepare leaders and continue preaching without purse or scrip.
16 May 1986 Friday:
Bob
McIntier gave me several assignments for Church to do while he's gone. I was
finally able to contact someone from the Royal Court to find out what I have to
do to make an entrance for the Church. I really don't want to do it, but the
Lord put the words in my mouth that I would so I will. In the evening Fran and
I got the most interesting phone call from her friend Eve Goldman in
California. Eve is going to join the LDS Church, but told Fran that she was a
Lesbian and living with a transsexual woman. Fran told her that the LDS Church
doesn’t exactly welcome Gay people so we referred her to Pam Calkins. Pam will
be able to help Eve sort out her conflict. I told Eve that it didn’t matter
which Church she joined, The Restoration Church or LDS Church as long as she
accepts the Gospel. Fran was truly amazed by the coincidence of this phone
call, because Eve said that she's been trying to reach us for 7 days. She said
that she felt like she really needed to talk to us. God truly works in
marvelous ways.
17 May 1986 Saturday:
It truly was a beautiful spring day in the
Rockies. I was able to accomplish everything that Bob McIntier has asked me to
do. I was able to take care of the Royal Court business and make arrangements
for Sacrament Meeting. I even returned an overdue record to the library and
they didn’t charge me for it. That was neat. Later I went to Weinstocks at the
Crossroads Mall and bought some more summer clothes that were now on sale. I
saw Russ Lane while at the mall and we visited. I even asked him if he would be
willing to baptize me in the Restoration Church. He said that he would so all I need to do now
is to get permission from Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier.
In the late afternoon I went to the HPER
Building up on campus had a wonderful time soaking in the sauna. While there
some college kids came in and where looking each over and they nearly were
passing out from the heat until I finally told them I will watch the door so
they aren’t disturbed if they want to get together and I did and they did. They
were so grateful and I got to help some Gay guys get together who would not
have been able to without my assistance. In the evening, I went out to the
Cottonwood Mall to pick up Fran from Taylor Maid and not wishing to stay home
we went looking for Jon Butler. Over at
Johnny Welch’s we encountered Willy Marshall. He was looking for Jon also. When
no one answered the door I said I bet that he's over at Bob McIntier's, house
sitting, while Bob’ in New Zealand. We both drove over to Bob's where indeed
Jon was staying with Gordon Jones. We were invited in and we spent the evening
talking about the Libertarian Party and politics in general. Fran really likes
Willy and his politics. Willy and Jon sat on the couch holding hands, and
Gordon Jones was kind of being standoffish. I don't think that Gordon likes
Willy because he pays too much attention to Jon. Anyways I thought it was funny
when Willy called the Restoration Church's Family Home Evening night,
"Family Homo Evening".
Anyways Gordon Jones did not appear to be
well. He thinks he might have pneumonia.
He's so thin and gaunt that I hope that's all he has.
Additional Material The Connection, a Gay restaurant next to the INBETWEEN opened. Located
at 529 West 200 South with owner Dean Weideman.
- Greatest Love Of
All" by Whitney Houston is
number one song on national charts
18 May 1986 Sunday:
I
talked with John Cunningham today! Out of the blue he called me! It was so good
to hear his voice. The last time I saw John was in 1972, and it nearly broke my
heart then. I asked him how has he been and he said that he's been sick but is
well now. He said some kind of stomach trouble.
While we talked, he said that he was ready for
some type of change in his life. He wants a career change and I said perhaps I
can help him get on at Utah Title if he wants to move to Utah. I was surprised
but delighted when he said that he would consider it. I can’t say how wonderful it would be to be
able to help take care of John Cunningham again after all these years. He will always be the “Man who Got Away.”
Sacrament Meeting went well and today with many new comers. Mike Howard
conducted the meeting and presided in Bob McIntier's absence. Erick Strickler
from Provo gave a good talk on magnifying the Priesthood. Two investigators
came today, Mark Lamar, and Cy Felts, a
friend of Mike Howard's from Provo. Mark was so impressed with our little
congregation that he took a membership form. Great! Fran attended Church today
and the others in attendance were Russ Lane, Cy Felts, Randy Holliday, Gordon
Jones, Jon Butler, Mark Lamar, Erick Strickler, Craig Hunter, Mike Howard and
me. It was a great meeting, discussing sex and spirituality. Today is our last
time at the Crossroad Urban Center because next week we will be meeting in Rose
Park at the West Salt Lake City’s Multipurpose Center. It’s much closer to Bob McIntier but
inconvenient for anyone without transportation.
I will miss attending the Crossroad Urban Center. To me it will always
seem like a second home and I thought it cozy. I didn’t go to Affirmation
tonight but rather stayed home and watched a movie called “Wings of Eagles”
about a rescue of Americans from Iran. I
think I just didn’t have the energy to deal with Russ. I went to bed missing
John Cunningham so much that my throat lumped up and I grieved over what never
was; a life with him.
Additional Material Graham Bell, former LGSU officer, and Idaho legislator Robert Forrey
appeared on KUTV’s Take Two hosted by Rod Decker. Forrey was publicly
supporting an anti-gay comic book entitled, “Homosexuality: Legitimate,
Alternative Death style.” Forrey felt that the book should be read by
children to prepare them to resist Gay recruitment and to educate them in the
evils of homosexuality.
19 May 1986 Monday
No Entry
20 May 1986 Tuesday
No Entry
21 May 1986 Wednesday
No Entry
Additional Material
Antonio A. Feliz gives sealing power to John R. Crane. (1)
22 May 1986 Thursday
I have so many mixed emotions. I have been so
exhausted by them that I hardly have the energy to write. I have been tired all
week from Fran and I talking divorce. We aren't angry with each other but we
know that we will have to dissolve our marital bonds sooner or later so that we
can both get on with the direction our new lives are taking us. Or should I
rather say my new life? Today Bob Elcock moved me into a new office, back in
the recording department. I had to do all the desk, computer and equipment moving
by myself. I bought some plants for my office today and a clock radio so I can
still listen to KRCL. I am really tired just from all that moving. that. I made
some muffins last night and brought about two dozen for people at work. I gave
Russ Lane a half dozen, and Jon Butler three and the rest to the people I like.
I have really felt strange regarding Russ all day today, kind of sad and
depressed. I don't know why. I hear The Miami Sound Machine new song "Words
Get in My Way" and I start feeling heart sick again. I must try to put
him in the past. We will never be anything to one another so why keep
bothering? It didn't help that Russ kept rubbing my back a lot today when we
were alone, and I'm not sure why but it didn't soften my heart any. It just
made me all the more determined to get out of this relationship. What
relationship? Shit I'm not getting anything out of it but heartache. I'm so
miserable most of the time when I am around him but alas life does go on and my
Savior is a great source of comfort to
me. I guess I'm really on the pity pot about both Jon Butler and Russ Lane.
Things aren't as I expected at work. Like I don't expect undying devotion from
either of them, just because I stuck my neck out to help them get a job here at
Utah Title, but I really did think that I would have friends at work to take my
breaks with and to go to lunch with and that sort of camaraderie that I had at
Ticor. But Russ just goes home for lunch at the Juel Apartment and Jon takes
off too somewhere and neither of them ever asks me to go along. I would love to
tag along, just for the company, but I know it's wrong to expect anything from
anyone. Fran and Tony Fillman went to China Village for dinner tonight. I just
didn't want to go out with them and pretend to be all cheerful that things are
going to work out. That illusion is fading fast. The weather is so much cooler
than it was yesterday. Before going to bed Tony Feliz called from Los Angeles
because he needs me to get eight seven-foot PC pipe poles for the Tabernacle
that they will be bringing here this Saturday. They didn't have room to
transport the poles from there.
23 May 1986 Friday
I really had the pits of a morning and of
course Russ Lane was at the root of it. Earlier in the week I had asked him to
go to the Royal Court's Coronation, this weekend, with me but this morning he
said that he's decided not to go. That just stunned me, but before I had a
chance to recover from that zinger, he zaps me again asking how long my baptism
would take because his aunt had invited him over for a picnic on the day that I
planned for it. Recovering quickly, I regained my wits enough to say, "never
mind about my baptism because I'm not entirely certain that you could do it,
not being a member of the Church and all," and I walked away and left it
at that. Russ again had left me feeling small and insignificant. For the sake
of my pride or what's left of it, I didn't want to let on to Russ that I was
devastated by his backing out of going to Coronation. He said that he wanted to
go to represent Affirmation there and of course I was going to represent the
Church. Fran had even bought our tickets from some guy she works with at the
Cottonwood Mall. Now I'm stuck with an extra $16 ticket. I felt like crying all
morning. I was totally flattened. I didn't understand why Russ dumping on me
this time should affect me so severely. It's not like it's the first time.
Analyzing my feelings, it finally dawned on me that the reason I was smarting
so much was that I was actually scared to death to be going to Coronation by
myself. I was depending on Russ Lane for moral support and now I realize I am
left out there, really out there, on my own. Lynn Fetting was so sweet to me
this morning. She sensed my mood and was so concerned about me. She told me
that she could tell I wasn't my usual self and she said she wanted Ben back.
That was so very kind of her. Anyway, I said to myself, "Self you have got
to terminate that boy". It is so true. I can't keep on letting Russ let me
down. So, I decided to take Russ out to lunch for the last time then Kaput!
Finis! And that's what I did. I took him to Sizzler's on 4th South and I just
let him talk all he wanted because I knew that this would be for the last time.
Russ went on and on about how he was angry that HAPPY ADS wouldn't run his
Affirmation advertisement because of the word Gay. Anyways after lunch, I was
done with him. The rest of the day was so hard on me emotionally but I managed
to hang in there. After work, when John Butler came by my office, we visited
about my feelings a little bit. I also asked him if he would go to Coronation
with me as my guest. He was noncommittal but said that he thought he could, so
at least that is taken care of. Jon Butler then said that Willy Marshall and he
were planning on going out tonight, and he asked me if I wanted to come along.
I said sure. Jon said that he'd me call at 8 then he left. Later when Russ was
leaving, he came by my office and asked for a ride to Church this Sunday in
Rose Park. I said I would. How could I not? Going to Church is not the same as
really doing things together. I walked home from work, instead of taking the
bus, because it was so nice out and while cutting through Liberty Park I
encountered Beau Chaine who was putting up a booth for the Fitness Fair at the
park tomorrow. He needed a hand putting up the tent booth so I helped him for
about an hour before taking off. While helping him, we visited and got to know
each other a little better. He sure is a go getter and has his hands full of
projects in the Gay community. When I reached home, Fran was there but she
didn't want to go out. So, when Jon called, I drove over to Johnny Welch's
place on 1st South near the Blue Mouse Theater, where Jon Butler and Gordon
Jones are staying while Johnny is in Southern Utah. Jon and I waited for Willy
Marshall while Gordon was antsy to go bar hopping. Gordon left to go to
Backstreet but since Jon didn't want to go dancing, we stayed and waited for
Willy. I really like Willy and when he finally arrived we sat around and talked
about Libertarian Party and about Big Water, Utah. Willy said that the town of
Big Water is the community where Alex Joseph the polygamist lives. The town's
gone entirely Libertarian through the efforts of Willy so he is really excited
about the prospects of moving there.
Willy also said the town is starting a soft
ball team but doesn't know what to name the team. He said that some on the team
want to be called the Big Water Polygs but some of the monogamous wives in town
down there strongly objected. I suggested that they call themselves The Big
Water Pollywogs and Willy laughed and said "Yeah and they can say that
they practice Pollywogamy!" We started laughing and making up names. I
also said well they could also call themselves the Latter Day Aints. Willy really
liked that one too. Willy is running for Justice of the Peace in Davis County
on the Libertarian Ticket and June 7th is the Libertarian Convention here in
Salt Lake and I told Willy that I'll be sure to be there. After a while, Willy
said he wanted to go over to Russ Lane's place but didn't know if he would
still be up, since it was around ten at night. I cattily commented that Russ
would get it up for you! In more ways than one!" Anyways divine justice
prevailed because when we went over to see Russ he wasn't home or had already
gone to bed, in either case he wouldn't answer his bell, so he missed the
chance to be with Willy on whom he has this big crush. So, with those plans
dashed we decided to go to Dee's Restaurant on 4th South for a late snack since
by now it was nearly midnight. I felt just like a kid again. It was so much fun
being with Jon and Willy. At Dee's, I ordered cheese soup, which was yummy, and
also ordered a banana split which we all shared. Around twelve-thirty in the
morning we made our way back to Jon's
place where we sat around and visited some more until Willie suggested that we
turn off the lights and all three of us snuggle. Willie is so much into
touching and cuddling. So we turned the lights off and listened to FM 93, which
played the neatest songs like “If You Leave Me Now’ and “No One's to
Blame”, all night long. I don't think I enjoy anything more than lying in
the dark listening to Rock and Roll music, especially the songs that bring back
the old memories. It was such an excellent ending to such a horrible morning.
As we talked in the dark I told Willy that I care more for Russ than he does
for me. Willy replied, "That's okay because Russ cares more for me than I
do him!” And I thought yes life isn't fair but it is just. What goes around
comes around.
It was truly a sweet, memorable, wonderful
evening; a night to remember lying side by side with Sweet William and Beloved
Jon. What extraordinary guys. I'm grateful to my Eternal Father and Mother and
my dear Jesus Christ for letting me know these special people.
In the news Sterling Hayden, who played,
Gen. Jack D. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove died. Capt. Ripper was
obsessed with precious bodily fluids. Ha!
24 May 1986 Saturday
I didn't get home until almost 4 in the
morning and by then it was Saturday morning. It was crazy to stay out so late
when I have so much to do but the Lord knows that I needed the emotional
strokes. Fran was on the phone with Linda Suazo all day. I know our phone bill
is going so high.
Additional Material The Metropolitan Community Church’s Northwest district conference was
held in Salt Lake City with Resurrection MCC hosting. Conference held at the
Salt Lake Sheraton Hotel. MCC held their District Conference for the first time
in Utah. Conference coordinator was Bruce Harmon and the theme of the
conference was “Blessed Be the Ties That Bind.” The primary reason for the
conference is to gather for fellowship and to conduct the business of the
district“ Stated Bruce Harmon. Nearly 200 people attended over the weekend of
23-25 May 1986.. Reverend Bruce Barton read a letter of greeting to the
conference attendees from Mayor Palmer de Paulis and Utah Governor Norman
Bangerter. The Reverend James Sandmire spoke during the conference relating his
experiences as a Gay Mormon and his early experience with Affirmation.
- Alex Joseph, Mayor of
Big Water, Utah claimed to have ten wives and twenty children. He ran for
Kane County Commissioner in 1986
- “Greatest Love Of
All" by Whitney Houston is number one song on national charts.
25 May 1986 Sunday
Two important life lessons were learned today.
One is that if the Lord calls me to do something, the way will be opened to do
it, and the other is to not be afraid to go where the Lord calls me to go
because not only will it be for my own good it will also be a blessing to
others. I went over to Bob McIntier’s house at ten-thirty this morning where
the tabernacle had been set up in his basement for the Prayer Circle. Tony
Feliz arrived yesterday with David Ewing from California and they are staying
at Bob's. I was such a space cadet this morning, that I ran off leaving a shoe
and sock at home from my temple clothes, so I had to borrow some white socks
from Bob. The Prayer Circle was sacred and special and I put three more names
on the prayer list. They were my Aunt Marie Williams, Willy Marshall, and Alex
Joseph. The last name was even a surprise to me and a curious choice because I
have never met the man. Tony Feliz was surprised too and expressed concern that
Alex Joseph was one of the murderous polygamous leaders connected with Ervil
LeBaron. I assured him that Alex Joseph was not a murderer but a Libertarian
polygamist whose community at Big Water had a positive attitude towards
Gays. During the Prayer Circle ceremony
Tony Feliz read to us a new Revelation he had received which was suppose to
guide the Church in the direction the Lord wants it to go. The revelation dealt
with Church Quorums and it was fascinating. Soon there are to be Apostles
called to witness for the church. After the Prayer Circle, I had to rush home
to get Sunday dinner ready for Fran. I also had to get ready for Sacrament at 2
in the afternoon in our new meeting place at the Multipurpose Center in Rose
Park. Fran didn’t want to go to church so I took the car to go pick up Russ
Lane. However after stopping by the Juel Apartments I found that he wasn’t even
home so from there I rushed to be at Church on time. There at the Northwest
Multipurpose Center, Bob McIntier had the room already set up so I only had to
put out the Sacrament. Our ranks were small today but considering that we have
a new meeting place as well as a new time I wasn't surprised. Attending Church
was Bob McIntier, Tony Feliz, John Crane, David Ewing, Erick Strickler, Gordon
Jones, Jon Butler, Rick Belnap and me.
John Crane, the Church's evangelist, gave an
excellent talk on his conversion to the Church after it was revealed to him the
nature of the love that the Lord has for Gay people. Tony Feliz bore his
Testimony of the Church and prophesied that the someday it would be in every
cosmopolitan city in Europe and America. Anyway, after church services, Gordon
Jones was being a real jerk to me. He called me outside and fumed that he was
really upset that I was taking Jon Butler to Coronation because he had really
wanted to go with Jon, but they decided that they couldn't afford it. So more
or less he was implying that I either buy him a ticket also or I should give
mine to him so he could go with Jon! I was flabbergasted! I reiterated to him
the reasons for my going in the first place, saying, "Gordon I'm not going
to have fun but because the Lord has called me to be there! I don't even want
to go but have to and the only reason I have an extra ticket is because Russ
Lane backed out at the last minute!" Not getting his way Gordon then goes
and talks to Jon Butler telling him his sob story. Jon now comes to me and asks
me how would I feel about taking Gordon to Coronation instead on him. That just
floored me! I was really hurt by Jon’s lack of sensitivity to my feelings and I
felt deserted by him. But I mustered up a smile, and bravely said, "It
doesn't matter to me who goes." But then my façade shattered and I began
to cry. I said, "That's not true. It does matter a lot to me. I'm scared
to death to be doing this, going before all those hundreds of people whom I
don't even know to announce to the world that I'm Gay and that I belong to a
Gay Mormon Church!” I tried to explain how I wanted someone, needed someone, to
be with me, to support me, while I do this, and how Gordon would only desert me
once there to flit around. After speaking my fears, that seemed to bolster me
somewhat, I then said, “Jon, don't worry. I’ll find someone to go with me, and
if I don’t, then perhaps the Lord wants me to do this alone for some reason.
Perhaps in the future I will have to do a lot of things alone and now is as
good a time as any to get use to it.” I then felt so much stronger and said
before leaving, “But beside all that, I know the Lord wants me there, so no
matter how frighten I may be, I will be there.” I then left Jon standing alone
and drove home. I was so miserable but shortly after I arrived at the house,
John Crane drove up. He said that Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier had rearranged
tonight’s agenda so that he could go with me to Coronation to represent the
church, and so I wouldn't have to go alone. I was so grateful I nearly cried
with relief. I fixed John Crane some lunch and visited with Fran until 5
O’clock when John and I left for Coronation. We both were quite apprehensive
about what to expect, but almost immediately the Lord opened door after door
for us. He had renewed my confidence and a great peace came over me. I was no
longer afraid to go before this crowd of 1500 people at the Salt Palace
ballroom. I felt the Lord's hand guiding me so strongly. I know now that the
Lord had planned all along for John Crane and I to be together. I also know now
why I was so upset about going to Coronation alone, because the Lord always
sends missionaries out in pairs. It was good to have a companion to buoy each
other up and we got to know each other and feel each other's Spirits throughout
the night. We truly bonded together having gone through this little adventure
together. On the way over to the Salt Palace, before Coronation, I had said to
John Crane, "The Lord wants us there because there is at least one person
there who needs to hear about the Church.” The Lord blessed me tonight by
letting me know who that one person was. It happened to be the usher who was
directing the processions down the ramp. He had asked us to see him after the
presentation because he said that he needed to know more about the Church. That
was so wonderful. Anyway, when it was time for our presentation, John and I
marched up this ramp as the Master of Ceremonies read "The Church of Jesus
Christ of All Latter Day Saints, commonly known as the Restoration Church of
Jesus Christ, wishes to express appreciation to the Royal Court of the Golden
Spike Empire for their love and service to the Gay and Lesbian Communities of
the Salt Lake Basin, and to honor you by bearing you these gifts!".
This is what I felt prompted to write and we
were the only organization to honor the Court rather than taking our time to
hype our organization. We felt proud and it went beautifully. We even had
people clapping for us which thrilled me to no end. However, the biggest shock
of the evening and one that nearly floored me was seeing Larry Copenhagen after
all these years. Larry saw me walking the ramp and after presenting a gift to
Emperor Bob and Clarisse, he came over to our table to see me. To say I was dazzled
is to say the least. Oh wow! What a shocker. Larry and I were lovers at BYU
during the springtime homosexual purge of 1976. I had saved his life after he
tried to commit suicide when he was found out by BYU security. Standards had
caught him in their net. Later that same spring, the LDS Church
disfellowshipped me because I was in love with him. I had not seen him since
that time, until today, nearly ten years to the day I last saw him. He's
teaching now in Phoenix, Arizona and had brought his lover up to Salt Lake for
the Coronation. I hugged the both of them and praised God in my heart for this
closure of very painful part of my history. It was a extraordinary night being
at Coronation. John Crane and I were so filled with love and the spirit of Christ
that strangers kept coming over to our table just to hug us. What a sweet
experience it was and to think I was crying because I was so afraid to go! I
guess I should mentioned that there was no one to present Affirmation’s gifts
because Russ Lane wasn't there, and the person he had asked to present them for
him didn’t want to do it. He asked if I would so I lamely took the gifts myself
up to Emperor Bob and Empress Claris and told them that they were from
Affirmation. I felt like I needed to do this for Russ’s sake. Anyway, John
Crane and I left after ten at night and
the Coronation was still going strong. John is leaving out tomorrow to go back
to L.A. so he needed to get some sleep. He's driving home by himself because
Tony Feliz and David Ewing decided to remain in Salt Lake City for a while at
Bob McIntier's place. I really love John
Crane and told him so before he left. It turned out to be a really remarkable
experience and I owe it to him and the Lord. When I got home about
eleven-thirty, I called Russ up, thinking that I would just leave a message on
his answering machine, letting him know that his presentation went well. I was
really surprised when he answered the phone. Something bizarre, strange,
transcendental, and mystical enveloped Russ and I as we talked on the phone.
Before we knew it we had talked for 5 and a half hours and it had seemed like
minutes! We were caught up in the Spirit is the only way to describe it. We had
both received a simultaneous connection to the love for Jesus Christ and our
own desire to bond with him in a way that no heterosexual could ever
understand. The Pentecostal embrace we were swept up into is so sacred that I
don't think I will ever write what happened that night to anyone. I don’t think
I could. It was beyond descriptive words. Suffice it to say that Russ received
a witness that Jesus Christ lives through the testimony of the Holy Ghost.
Additional Material
The Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire held Coronation X at the
Salt Palace. Theme was Around the World in 80 Days. Tickets were $16.00. Nearly
1,000 people attended. Outgoing Emperor Scott Stites X announced revisions to
allow monarchs of previous years to seek reelection under special
circumstances. He also called for an annual AIDS Awareness Week to be held each
October for raising funds and spreading information about the deadly illness.
Empress X Mother Bob announced that henceforth one dollar of each coronation
ticket sold would go to the charity of the reigning monarch’s choice. This year
the money was given to AIDS Project Utah. Robb Bullock was elected Emperor XI
and Clarisse Cartier was elected Empress XI. Prince Royale XI was Bob Edwards
and Princess Royale XI was Tasha Montiel. The Tenth Reigns Coronation colors
were Pink, Teal, Blue, and Gold and their logo was a Hot Air Balloon.
- $117,286 GRANT AWARDED
to COMBAT AIDS in UTAH (SLTribune B6-5) The Center For Disease Control
gave Utah’s State Health Department a grant of $117,000 to develop
programs aimed as preventing the spread of AIDS. Craig Nichols, state
epidemiologist refused to print safe sex guides lines saying, “We will
probably cover every area except the Safer Sex area…Most of the material
that have been produced are too graphic for a state health department
publication.” Nichols felt that explicit discussion of the risks of Gay
sex must come from the Gay community itself, “I don’t feel like we bear
the total responsibility. And so we’ll do things we know we can do and are
acceptable. And other groups will have to fill in where they think there’s
a deficit.” Dr. Patty Reagan of the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation argued “how
badly we needed the help because the Gay community was working so hard to
help itself" and Reagan was told by Nichols, “If the Gay Community
can help itself, I don’t see why the state health department should be
doing anything else.” (June 1986 Triangle)
- Hands Across America -
At least 5,000,000 people form a human chain from New York City to Long
Beach, California, to raise money to fight hunger and homelessness.
"On the afternoon of Sunday, May 25, 1986, more than five million
people joined hands to form a line that stretched 4,152 miles – from New
York City's Battery Park to a pier in Long Beach, California. This
nationwide event, called Hands Across America, was intended to raise money
to fight hunger and homelessness." The event was a project of USA for
Africa
28 May 1986 Wednesday
Today was Family Home Evening and we held it
over at Bob Mclntier's home on Dorothea Way off of 7th North and Redwood. We
even had an investigator named Todd from Logan join our group tonight. David
Ewing gave a lesson on a revelation and how Tony Feliz had received one
concerning him. I thought to myself at the time, why is Tony receiving
revelations about David? Tony shouldn't be receiving personal revelation for
David unless he and David are lovers and even then it wouldn't be necessary for
the Church to know about it and thus added to the Book of Hidden Truths and
Treasures. But I think David and Tony have become lovers.
29 May 1986 Thursday:
I had Willy Marshall, Jon Butler, and Russ
Lane over for dinner and afterwards while we were discussing politics Russ
started yelling at me again. His berating me really hurts my feelings. He later
apologized but it makes me wonder what is it in me that sets him off so? He
said that I remind him of his father, so does he hate his father so much?
30 May 1986 Friday:
I learned today that Carol Kessler died
yesterday of a heart attack. She was only 37 years old. She had been on a
strict diet and was using a diuretic. I guess she had a potassium depletion.
They said if she would have eaten just half a banana she would not have died.
She worked in sales at Utah Title because she was so vibrant, and of course
looks mean everything in sales. She was
the first person at Utah Title who was nice to me. Fran and she became friends
last fall when we all were so broke that we were living mainly on zucchini and
peaches from the garden. She was a single mom raising a couple of daughters.
Fran went down to Levan, Utah for the weekend and I'm glad she went. I need
the time to think what to do about our marriage and I'm sure she does too. She
and I have been discussing the break-up of our marriage this whole week.
Estelle Reilly called and said she was in town
returning to Orange County on AmTrack from Tennessee. I met her at the Union
Station and took her to China Village
for dinner and then back to the train station at Union Pacific Depot.
She always seems to miss Fran when she’s in Salt Lake. I waited with her until
the train moved out. After she left, because I didn't want to be by myself I
went over to 1st South to see Jon Butler and I came upon Willie Marshall. Jon
Butler had us come in but said that he couldn't spend the night with me because
Gordon and he are going through this huge break up, but Willy spoke up and said
that he would. At home we stayed up late and cuddled. We talked about Russ and
Jon for most of the night. Cuddling is all Willy likes to do and that is fine
with me.
31 May 1986 Saturday:
Willy Marshall left in the morning and it was
fantastic having him spend the night with me. I was melancholy and I didn't
want to be in the empty house. Willy is a sweet man but there's no chemistry or
attraction between us except for the natural expression of affection we have
for each other because of our kind hearts. If anything, Willy makes me miss
Russ Lane all the more knowing how much Russ likes Willy. "I might as well
face it I'm addicted to love", as the song goes. I went to Liberty Park in
the afternoon to get out of the house, after going grocery shopping at Smith's
on 9th and 9th, and dropping a pair of pants off at the dry cleaners. I
encountered Beau Chaine at the park again, laying out in the sun on a blanket.
He asked me to join him so we lay in the sun together, when later this cute
return missionary named Marty Orton from Provo came and joined us. He was
cruising Beau. We visited for a while and learned that Marty was a model. He
was absolutely beautiful, blond and tall. Anyway, he also said that he was just
coming out so we told him about the Gay community in Salt Lake City. We
cautioned him to stay away from the Bath Houses. He was a sweet natured boy.
After leaving the park, I came back to the house and waited for Jon Butler to
call or come over. He never did. I thought Russ Lane might call me, for a ride
to church tomorrow, but he didn't. I also thought Bob McIntier or Tony Feliz
might call me about Sacrament Meeting but they didn't either. No one called all
night as I sat in an empty house waiting by the phone for someone to call,
except for my wife. So who really does love me? I decided I am not answering
the phone tomorrow or going to church. I need time to evaluate what is going on
with me in my life. I am really upset with Bob and Tony. Why am I always on the
outside looking in? I finally had enough of being on the pity pot and went to a
midnight showing of Rocky Horror Show at the Blue Mouse. I sat next to some
guys I had met at Affirmation once. It was great as usual doing the Time Warp
Again. It’s Just a Jump to the Left. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a time warp
and “crawling on the planet’s face some insects called the human race lost in
time and lost in space and meaning”. It’s the last day of May and time to
reflect. I had a spiritual feast at the beginning of the month going to
California and all, but now I am very down. I have not heard from anyone from
California and even Bob McIntier and Mike Howard don't call. I feel like I'm
always there for others but no one is really here for me.
Additional Material-"Live To Tell" by Madonna is number one song on national
charts
JUNE 1986
1 June 1986 Sunday
Finally summer is on its way. It's been so
warm the past few days, and today it’s a beautiful warm Sunday. What is in my
head? Fran went down to Levan for the weekend to get away and will be back
tonight. I am feeling very disappointed and discouraged this morning because
after waiting all day yesterday for someone to call me, no one did. I knew the
phone would ring this morning and it did, someone wanting something of me. I
didn't even answer it. I was so mad and upset. I ran the Sacrament things over to
Jon Butler's for him to take to Church but he wasn't home. So I had to go over
to Bob McIntier's where David Ewing answered the door. He was in his Temple
clothes so I just handed him the stuff and left. So, they were having Temple
initiations, and I didn’t know a thing about it or was invited to participate.
What is in my head? Disappointment, Sadness. Resolution and a renewal of
commitment to serve the Lord, the community, and myself. Russ Lane never calls
me unless he needs something. He acts all giddy and like he enjoys my company
during the week when I am bringing him treats at work but on the weekends he
saves those times for Frank Fatah and others. He never asks me out, even for
dinner, or calls to visit unless he needs something for Affirmation. I'm such a
fool that I should love someone so intensely who doesn't love me. I am sad at
having to say goodbye to Russ, but I am resolved to put time and space between
us because I love myself, too much to keep on going as is. My new purpose is to
let Russ just go, one way or another. I must remember the poem “Waiting” and
the lines, "My friends are seeking my face” As much as I care for Jon
Butler, he has let me down twice. The first time was his fault, but by letting
him do it to me again, that’s my fault. I really needed Jon last Sunday to go
with me to Coronation, but I suppose God wanted John Crane to be with me
instead, but that doesn't absolve Jon for not being there for me when he said
he would. Then when last Friday, when I expressed to Jon that I was going to be
alone this weekend and really needed his company, he promised that he would
stay with me on Saturday. So I sat by the phone until 11 at night and there was
no phone call from Jon. It made me realize that I can't rely upon Jon as I
thought that I could, and I am sad about that. Jon is a sweet man and I will
always be fond of him but I want to release him, with love, from my life. I am
resolved not to let myself depend upon Jon to help me out of hard situations.
It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I am resolved to let him go on
with his life without my emotional attachment on him. I am also deeply
disappointed that Tony Feliz and I never got to develop a spiritual
relationship or connection. I would have done anything for him, as the oracle
of God, if he had but asked. But I am never called to sit in on the decision
making aspects of this portion of the Kingdom even though the Lord called me to
be the Church's Bishop Agent. Yes, I am called when they need an extra body to
make up a prayer circle or prepare Sacrament or run other errands. All this
week Bob McIntier and Tony Feliz haven't bothered to pick up the phone to talk
to me except at the last minute, when they told me they were having a
Wednesday's Family home evening. I do not feel a part of this family any more.
Well, God's will be done. If I'm not supposed to be in the Council of the
Elders of Israel of the Restoration Church who am I to fight against God? I
know that the Restoration Church, as it was conceived in the beginning is of God,
but I feel that it is drifting from the principles espoused by Lamar Hamilton
who I’ve heard has broken with the church over Tony’s claim to be Seer,
Prophet, and Revelator for the entire church. I heard that he doesn’t want
anything to do with the Temple Ordinances that are being performed in the
tabernacle. I know that I am really disappointed in Bob McIntier’s vision for
the church. He once confided in me that he envisioned the church meeting in a
regular ward-like building with an organ with all the familiar LDS trappings.
That was never my wish to see the church become simply a carbon copy of the
Utah Church with a lavender twist. We had the chance to be unique and fill a
portion of the Lord’s garden with the cast-offs and misfits that the LDS Church
had no use for. Maybe I'm not supposed to be part of this great work either. I
once heard Pam Calkins say how that Gay people were the Lord’s tithing back to
the earth and once the Lord even revealed to me that while some of His children
were meant to procreate, others were blessed to recreate, meaning that they
were sent to beautify and enrich this planet. This is my biggest disappointment
and my great sadness, that I feel the church is losing its way while Tony
consolidates his authority over the church. But I am getting emotionally well
as I am journeying into the land of Oz. I am not so disconnected between my
head, my heart, and my courage anymore. The most courageous act in my life was
to come out of the closet, and so that I can follow the Yellow Brick Road
towards whatever amazing adventure may come my way. I realize I cannot afford
to cling onto people, places, or things which either no longer work for me or
that do not love me as much as I love them. If I can give up my abusive
relationship with the Mormon Church, I can certainly shed other emotional
baggage that is impeding my progress.
My relationship with The Restoration Church of
Jesus Christ is going to be put on hold for a while until I can get some more
spiritual guidance. I am resolved to go on a “Spiritual Retreat” for 40 days.
On the tenth of July I will make my decision on what to do with my life. I will
use this time to fast and pray and renew my Covenants with Christ. I truly want
to get to know Him again as I did in my youth. I would even like to rebuild my
relationship with my wife, if it can be salvaged, but I know in my heart it is
time to say goodbye. I will put all other relationships on the back burner.
No more attending the Restoration Church, no
more Affirmation. No more accepting phone calls. Of course I will have to talk
to Jon and Russ at work but I will keep it strictly business. I need to get
some introspection back into my life. I need to fill my own cup up. I heard
Tony talk once on how Gays are often like cups with holes in them. We are
constantly feeling drained until we are able to patch up our holes. After that
we can be filled to overflowing so that we can fill other people’s cups. I need
to patch my cup. I am like a well that has gone dry. I gave and gave and no one
ever primed my pump. Nothing ever came back. It's time for the Lord to renew my
spirit but right now at this given point in time, I am not interested in any
Church be it Catholic, Protestant, or Restored. I walked to Liberty Park around
noon, and laid out in the sun still trying to get a tan. Not a dark one but
just a healthy looking one. I love reading the Sunday Paper while relaxing and
drinking a 7-Eleven Big Gulp. After reading through the paper, I also read from
Samuel I &II. Every day I need to study the Scriptures and to talk to my
Parents in Heaven. After I lost the afternoon sun, I walked home down 1300
South to Roberta Street and later drove up to the U of U's locker rooms in the
HPER building to weigh myself, and to sit in the sauna. I'm right at 200 lbs
while last week I was 205 lbs. I want to get under 200 lbs so badly but that's
not important. Having a good relationship with my Savior is what is most
important to me right now. I decided not to go to Affirmation tonight anyway
because I wanted to go to Carol Kessler’s viewing. It's so hard to believe that
she is dead. If she would have only taken her potassium pills or eaten a
banana. Well she's a beautiful corpse now. I was surprised when Mike Howard
came over to the house around 5 this afternoon, out of the blue. It was so
sweet of him to be concerned about me. He said he missed my spirit at church.
We went to Liberty Park, to layout in the sun, until 7 in the evening. We
talked about how I was feeling about things at the moment and how I felt as I
need to go on an emotional retreat. Mike was so sweet and understanding, I love
him for that. Mike had to leave to go to Affirmation’s Pot Luck. I told him
about meeting Marty Orton of Provo and asked him to make contact with him. Mike
will make a great High Priest. As soon as we came back to the house, Mike
changed his clothes and left. Only a few minutes after that, Jon Butler pulled
into the drive way in his van. I thought to myself, "Boy! this going on a
retreat is going to be harder than I thought”. Well I thought I owed it to Jon
to let him know what is going on with me. We visited and he also said that he
needs to find the will and mind of God for himself. I really love Jon. I just
need to have my well replenished once in a while. Jon said he understood what I
was trying to say and said that he would support me in my decisions. I never
made it to Carol Kessler's viewing. In the evening before going to bed, I
prayed to the Lord for strength to separate myself for 40 days so that I could
be in the proper frame of mind to be fasting and prayerful as I seek for the
renewal of my spirit. I want to get to know my Savior and spend time with Him
alone.
2 June 1986 Monday
Today is the second day of my 40 day journey
of introspection and Carol Kessler's funeral. Fran went to it but I couldn’t
get the time off from work so I didn't get to go. Fran said that it was a nifty
funeral with lots of well dressed rich people with sporty cars attending. Carol
must have loved it. She was into the sporty glamour life. Anyway, at work the
morning was hell with Dynacomp, our main computer server, being down. Visiting
with Russ Lane, I let him know that I am going through some introspection and
that I was going to be gone emotionally from everything, for a while, even
though I will still be around doing my duties. I thought he understood what I
was trying to say but hey even I didn’t know what I was trying to say. However
instead of letting me be, Russ kept trying to make contact with me all day, way
more than usual. I was polite to him but acted preoccupied. I know my
withdrawals from Russ will be my hardest trial. My first instinct and desire is
to run back to Russ and give in to him, but that road leads to insanity. The
Savior keeps me sane, however, saying, "Come unto me", and that
really helps me focus on what I need to do. I worked until 8 at night and
walked home through Liberty Park. It was a warm, warm evening. At home, Fran
fixed some soup and salad for dinner and later Tony Fillman and his wife Wanda
dropped by. Wanda finally moved to Utah to be with Tony and they are staying
with Tony’s parents Lionel and Linda Suazo down in Levan. They were in Salt
Lake City looking for an apartment because they want to move away from Levan.
Before going to bed, I made out some tithing receipts and mailed them to Los
Angeles and to Bob McIntier as part of my duty as Bishop Agent. Changes in my
life. Willy Marshall is leaving Utah to go buy a Corvette with some money he
inherited. He said he wants to buy and sell Corvettes and travel around the
country. Good for him. I don’t see much of Johnny Welch anymore. He’s in
Southern Utah more than he is up here and I guess he is giving up his cute
apartment behind the Utah School for the Blind. I have grown closer to Mark
Lamar. He is a very eccentric and interesting person. He was in the Marine
Corp, married with a daughter, and is a cross dressing queen who uses the
persona “Alice Foxx”. Many things about the Restoration Church are bothering
me. At first the Law of Common Consent was strong in the church but now it
seems that Tony Feliz is running the show with his boyfriends getting
preferential treatment. The Law of Common Consent stated that the church had to
be in unison before a revelation was accepted or a course of action was taken.
That's not the case now. We simply sustain leaders like the LDS Church does. I
read the Scriptures today, mostly from Gospel of St. John. The two things I
want to remember from my readings is that Christ aspired to no earthly honor
and fled rather than be made a king and secondly I want to be like my savior’s
disciple Nathaniel of whom the Lord said. "Behold an Israelite in who
there is no guile". I want the Savior to be able to say that about me. I
always want my motives to be pure. I need to cling onto the Lrd and trust in
him as I am frightened. But the Lord said when he calls me to go somewhere its
for my good. I am hanging on to Russ but I need to Let Go and Let God direct me
as in the Twelve Steps. Today was Fran’s mom, Lorna Fuch’s 79th
birthday.
3 June 1986 Tuesday:
Work was the pits trying to avoid Russ Lane
all day. Today is my mom's 57th birthday. I called her this evening and she
said all was well I California. She and
Dad had just gotten back from Texas
where she stayed with Grandma and Grandpa at the farm. Mom said her cousin
Rachel Blackmore wrote and said her
daughter Audie has lung cancer. Mom said that Grandpa didn’t look any worse and
Grandma seemed strong. She also said that Tom Horan wasn’t doing well and the doctors can’t find what is
wrong with him. My brother in law Ken Jones is having a comic book published in
July. Mom’s excited about that. I’m really happy for them. Coincidently the
artist for the comic book is named John Cunningham. Anyway, Fran said Tony and Wanda Fillman have found a
house here in Salt Lake but need to come stay with us until they can move in.
More company. I bought a Sunstone Magazine downtown and discovered Elbert
Peck's phone number in it. Elbert writes for Sunstone and was my college
dormitory mate at BYU years ago. I called back to Virginia but the man who
answered said that Elbert wasn't home but was moving to Utah to take over the
editorship of the Sunstone! Wow! Mike Howard called late in the evening. I
wasn't even going to answer the phone but at the last minute I did. Mike said
he felt prompted to just let the phone ring until I picked up. The reason he
called was that he said he had met Marty Orton and had gotten together with
him. I asked him how did he find him and Mike simply said that he just went to
the address I had given him. I told Mike that I never gave him Marty's address
in Provo because I didn't know it. The Lord must have put the directions in
Mike's mind. God does work in mysterious ways.
Additional Material Elbert Peck left a job as a Maryland urban planner to take Sunstone's
reins in 1986. He envisioned a "Big Tent," the consummate arena for
historical, philosophical, artistic and cultural views in the LDS universe.
Things at Sunstone heated up when Peck came on board. Sunstone's Symposium
sessions covered feminism, homosexuality, secret temple rites and the veracity
of LDS scripture. In 1989, Dallin Oaks warned against "alternate"
views, and on Aug. 23, 1991, the ruling First Presidency and Quorum of the
Twelve Apostles exhorted the faithful to stay away from anything, including
unidentified "symposia," that might undermine their beliefs. "Sunstone was labeled an evil
thing." Elbert Peck was editor of the Sunstone magazine for 15 years.
4 June 1986 Wednesday:
I came out to Lynn Fetting at work and
announced that I was Gay. She was the first person with whom I felt safe
enough to share this information. She was so sweet about it. I felt so good
about telling Lynn that when Russ Lane asked me to go to lunch with him because
he had things to tell me, I said yes. We walked to Trolley Square and at the
benches there we ate our lunches. Russ started in on his stories about how
Affirmation is growing, his hopes for it, and his joy in seeing it take off.
Russ is so excited about Affirmation and going to the San Francisco Conference
that is coming soon. When he asked me how my life is going, I just replied,
“Good things are coming to me", and left it at that. It clouded up in the afternoon and sprinkled
in the evening so I was just going to stay home when for a strange reason I
felt prompted to go to the Salt Lake Affirmation meeting. I hadn't attended a
meeting with this group in months! There
I met Ed Benson, a marriage counselor and school teacher for the Granite School
District. John Cooper had asked Ed to attend Affirmation. There was just a
small group of us, John Cooper, Ed Benson, Paul D, and me. Ed Benson was close
to retirement and a very gentle soft spoken man. He and I visited about me
wanting to go into the field of education and he was very encouraging. He said
that he knew of a Lesbian elementary school principal who might have an opening
next year. Wouldn't that be something? I called Russ about ten tonight to tell
him about meeting Ed Benson and how he would make a great guest speaker at
Wasatch Affirmation. The conversation drifted to our volatile relationship and
he made it clear again to me how he feels about me. I just said goodbye at that
point and hung up. "Hearts do Not Break but Sting and Ache for old love
sake but do not die."
Additional Materia
: Second General Conference announced for June 14th-15th, 1986.
5 June 1986 Thursday
Today was such a pleasant day at work. Russ
Lane just could not leave me alone. He had to tell me about his calling Elder
Theodore Burton to complain about an address he gave at BYU, calling
homosexuals an “abomination”. Russ said he really chewed him out and he told me
that he felt that the General Authorities will have a lot of blood on their
hands if they don't repent of their hateful ways towards Gays. I really admire
Russ for his willingness to call Burton and give him a piece of his mind. He
has the integrity to follow up on his convictions. After work Fran and I drove
down to Orem to visit with Mike Howard's parents about the Restoration Church.
Tony Feliz, Bob McIntier, and David Ewing were there also. The Howards served
us a nice dinner of stuffed potatoes and then we had a wonderful spiritual
discussion. Sister Howard is such a beautiful woman, spiritually and
physically, and is so very Christ-like. She and I visited and I had to tell her
how much I loved the Savior and we even held each other after that. I bore my
testimony of her son Michael and how special he was to me after we bonded on
our trip to California last May. I could tell that she loved hearing how
special Michael is to this movement. My heart even softened to Tony Feliz and
Bob McIntier when the spirit witnessed to me how much they indeed love the
Savior. We visited and stayed at the Howards until one in the morning. Bob
McIntier as usual made the suggestion that we end the evening and close it
since it was so late. I would have talked throughout the night. Mike's father,
Brother Howard offered a closing prayer and we all held hands in a circle.
Before leaving, Bob pulled me aside and said that he heard that I was reclusing
myself and he told me that he understood and that he would be there for me when
I am finished with my journey. He said he supported me totally. I just cried
when he said that and I held him and told him how much I loved him for being so
supportive. Fran and I didn't get to bed until after two in the morning.
6 June 1986 Friday
It was a busy day at work and I was exhausted
from lack of sleep. I sit in my cubicle and listen to my classical tapes. After
work, Fran and her friend Donna picked me up to take me home. Donna finished
repairing my U of U Special event Center’s athletic coat that Gary Ratliff gave
me years ago when I worked for him. The sleeve stitches were coming loose and
she did a nice job patching it. Later Fran and another friend Shannon went out
together this evening so I went over to Bob McIntiers to drop off some things
for church. While I was visiting with Tony Feliz there, I found out that we had
a mutual acquaintance from Cypress College in California, Terry O'Brien, who
was my art appreciation teacher. I once saw Mr. O'Brien soaking naked in a hot
tub in a sports gym I belonged to in Orange, California. Because of the
entourage of young guys around him I suspected that he was Gay even then. It
had been over 15 years since I was his student so he didn't recognize me at the
time.
Additional Material Antonio A. Feliz receives a revelation, now HT&P 27, while preparing to give endowments. It speaks about the importance of preparation, free will, and agency.
7 June 1986 Saturday
This morning I walked to Liberty Park where I
laid out trying to get a little tan. I read more from the Gospels and had a
gentle peaceful feeling surround me. In the afternoon I went to the Libertarian
State convention which was held at the University of Utah. I sat with Gordon
Jones, Jon Butler, and Willy Marshall. Russ Lane was at the convention also,
but we didn't sit by him. I met Royston Potter, this polygamist who is running
for county sheriff, I believe, and Alex Joseph, who is the polygamist mayor of
Big Water, Utah. Royston Potter use to be a cop in West Valley before he got
kicked off the force for having more than one wife. He's kind of cute in a
geeky kind of way. His wives were at the convention I suppose to support him.
They were all dressed in frilly stupid looking frocks. Alex Joseph kind of
reminded me of Waylon Jennings the country singer. The convention began with a
procession of Scottish bagpipers which was thrilling. I love the bagpipes as
much as men in kilts! It must be my Johnson and McLeod blood in me that stirs
me so. Later a black choir sang, "We Shall Overcome", and it nearly
got me to bawling; my emotions were so worked up. I was very impressed with the
principal speaker, Karl Hess, from West Virginia. Surveying the people
attending the convention I would say they were evenly split between the
polygamists, the pot heads, and us Gays with a few anti-government-tax
resistors thrown into the mix. I guess I am drawn to the Libertarians because
of their social message of getting the government out of our bedrooms but I
totally disagree in philosophy with their views on economics. I am a social
Democrat when it comes to supporting social programs to promote the common
welfare of our people. I think its criminal that ten percent of the nation
controls 90 percent of its wealth. Wealth is built on the back of labor and
labor should have a more equitable share of it. Russ Lane totally disagrees
with me on this point but I still sort of missed his company seeing him at the
convention. Big Sigh. After the convention was over, I saw Elbert Peck this
evening! After all these years! He was out walking downtown and I encountered
him on Broadway. He said he was just walking home from working at the
Sunstone's offices on 1st South. I revealed my involvement with the Restoration
Church of Jesus Christ and he took it rather well. He even said that he saw a
need for a church for the fringe elements of the LDS Church. Elbert said that
he could feel that the Spirit of the Lord was still with me and I let him know
that I know I still have the light of Christ within me. We then went to China
Village for dinner where I treated him. We had the best time catching up with
the past. He is still very active in the LDS Church although he gets his share
of pressure because of his association with Sunstone Magazine. He said that he
is very busy right now with the Sunstone Conference coming at the end of
summer. I was touched when he said that
he thought of me often over the years, and I confessed that I did him also. I will
always think of Elbert as a cocky, rail thin of young man, leaning on a walking
stick with two hands, and staring intently with his piercing eyes as he
mouthed, "Indeed, indeed" just to irritate me. After we parted, I
went on home and watched the ten o'clock news. I was surprised to see Jon,
Willy, and myself on television as part of the convention coverage. Yay! It was
the first time I had ever seen myself on TV. And the last I hope! Television
does add ten pounds. So what am I thinking this first week of June? Fran is
full of confusion about what is happening to us. She must come to a new state
of consciousness or awareness before inner peace will come to her again. She is
back to smoking and seems to have lost her spiritual bearings. Her faith had always
been in the church while mine has always been in Christ.
Additional Material The
Church of Jesus Christ in Solemn Assembly was formed by Alexander Joseph in
1974 after he left the Apostolic United Brethren in which he had been a
prominent leader. Joseph has actively pressed the rights of polygamists in
general and his Church in particular. Shortly after founding the Church, he
attempted to homestead federal land but was denied access by court order. He
moved to Glen Canyon, Kane county, Utah, and established a new town
incorporated as Big Water, the current location of the Church's headquarters.
Joseph became the first mayor of the town in 1983. Joseph had ten wives in
1983. He is the author of one book, Dry Bones, A Resurrection of Ancient Understandings,
a commentary on the Pearl of Great Price, one of the Latter Day Saint
scriptures.
- Royston Potter was a
police officer fired in 1982 by City of Murray for being a polygamist. He
ran for Salt Lake County Sheriff on the Libertarian Ticket in 1986.
- -"Live To
Tell" by Madonna is number one
song on national charts
8 June 1986 Sunday
I didn't feel well this morning so I tried to
sleep in for most of the morning. However I woke up at twelve-thirty in the
afternoon after a loud thunderclap shook the house. Seeing what time it was, I
decided that I better get ready for church services. It was raining really hard, a down pour, on
the way over to Rose Park. Exiting the freeway at 600 North my car did a tail
spin on the off ramp. The Lord preserved me and kept me from harm. I wasn't as
shook up as I should have been because I had the spirit of the Lord with me. In
attendance at church was Tony Feliz, David Ewing, Bob McIntier, Russ Lane, Ric
Belnap, Mike Howard, Morgan Smith, who works for KSL, and me. Mike Howard and I
blessed the Sacrament. Tony Feliz gave a powerful talk and prophesized that the
Church will grow and eventually be in every metropolitan community. The talk
was so powerful that he gave me pause and I reconsidered my lack of belief in
Tony's prophetic calling. At the end of Sacrament I stood up and confessed the
sin of pride. The spirit was so strong that I was moved to tears. Afterwards,
Michael Howard just held me in his arms for the longest time and whispered,
"Good to have you back." Even Russ Lane came up and held me. After
leaving church I went and bought groceries before going home to get ready for
Affirmation. Mike Howard said he'd swing by and give me a ride. When he came to
pick me up, I had him come into the house and I was prompted to share with him
something sacred. I told him that I felt that we should be sealed together in
the temple and Mike said that we needed to pray and fast about it. At
Affirmation there was a large turnout of about thirty people, probably more,
although I didn't see Jon Butler. There were at least eight Lesbians at the
meeting and one transvestite, Mark Lamar, dressed as Alice Foxx, as well as all
the other fags. Mike Howard and I sat together all throughout the meeting
holding hands with each other. I could tell that Russ was jealous. Big deal. I
feel so strongly about Mike Howard and the ties that bind. He told me earlier
that he had some real good teachers in the pre-existence and that I must have
been one of them. Maybe that is what I remember about Mike. Watching Russ just
glowing in the spotlight, I thought to myself, “Oh Russ you don't need me; just
the adulation of the crowd." When Russ had those attending Affirmation
introduce ourselves by saying "My name is so and so and I
am....." when it was my turn I
simply said, "My name is Ben and I am a member of the Restoration Church
of Jesus Christ." Russ then said "Tell us a little more about your
personality," and I said, "I am fun." Mike Howard said, "My
name is Mike Howard and I am a well adjusted religious faggot." I just
loved it but Russ wasn't pleased. Fran dropped by Affirmation to tell me that
she was going out dancing with her friend Bonnie. I nearly fell over when she
said that she was going to “Puss N Boots”, a Lesbian bar on the west side of
Salt Lake. It was a neat kind of day although also kind of strange. I didn't
get much time today to study the scriptures and ponder upon the Savior but I
did try to be of service and be where He wanted me to be. I was able to greet
people with an out stretched hand and give hugs with outstretched arms.
9 June 1986 Monday
Today is my oldest sister's 39th birthday. How
could she be that old? How could I 35 already? It just seems like yesterday she
was a teenager with boys chasing her everywhere. Boy was I envious. Work was
fine today and Russ Lane surprised me by buying me a coke. He is usually not
that generous. But still we didn't visit much. Gina who is in charge of the
copy room and filing was being so funny. She kept coming into my cubicle and
asking if I was Gay. I responded each time with a smile and "I beg your
pardon?" and then she would scurry away. She is really a fun girl and a
little crazy. After work I called Fran and asked if she wanted to go out to a
movie and she did. Later she called and asked if Tony Fillman could tag along.
I really do not enjoy being around Tony anymore. He's not the cute teenager I
knew in Grantsville. He's arrogant, dirty, and kind of stupid at times. His
arrogance I am sure is simply a defense for him. But he's smart enough to
manipulate Fran big time. He doesn't get cleaned up when he comes home from
working as a mechanic but stays in his filthy work clothes. His hair in unkempt
and I am embarrassed to be seen with him. Fran who always sinks to the lowest
denominator is mimicking Tony rather than trying to encourage him to take more
pride in appearances. She's wearing Meg's fat pants and she looks like hell in
them. I know that it’s not all Tony's fault. He never had a father to teach him
how to dress. He has asked me to go with him to pick out clothes for him but
all he wants is golf clothes. I give up. We went to the Valley Fair 4 and saw “The
Color Purple”, and although I absolutely loved it and was moved by the
picture, I couldn't enjoy being with Fran and Tony. They were more interested
in wallowing in a giant container of popcorn than watching the movie. Fran and
I are at a standoff. She can't expect me to be cordial to her friends when she
is as rude as she wants to mine. Tony has stayed far longer with us then Russ
ever did and Tony is so immature that he has to be constantly entertained. At
least Russ was intelligent and entertaining. I can't help how I feel. Since we
were married I always put my wife's friends first. We moved to Grantsville and
nearly starved to death so she could be near Tony's mother Linda Suazo. Well I want Tony, his wife and kids,
Linda, the whole bunch out of my life. They are all excess baggage that I
refuse to carry any longer. It is the ninth day of my spiritual introspection
and it’s been a rollercoaster so far.
10 June 1986 Tuesday
I must really be into rejection. I was stupid
enough to ask Russ Lane if I could see him at his place for a couple of minutes
at lunch. He hesitated and looked pained and hemmed and hawed around before
finally saying that he had invited Jon Butler over for lunch but if he couldn't
make it then he could possibly see me. I remained serene and replied,
"Forget it." I told him that I forgot I had business of my own to
attend to during lunch. Gee! Russ I just love being rejected by you. Anyway I
then went over to see what's up with Jon Butler in his cubicle and why he hasn't been attending church or
Affirmation. He said that he's been reading up on Priesthood Authority and
doesn't believe that the Restoration Church has the keys to actually perform
all the ordinances that it has been doing lately. He said that he believed that
Ross LeBaron, of the Polygamy LaBarons, has the true keys to the Patriarchal
Priesthood. Jon had given Ross the pamphlet that Tony Feliz wrote entitled
"Jonathan Loved David," and Jon said LaBaron's heart was soften to
Gays because of it. I wonder if I should meet this trailer park prophet. Anyway
I told Jon that if Ross LeBaron is indeed of God then he will use this
Patriarchal Priesthood to bless and enrich the lives of the Seed of Abraham
instead of sitting on his priesthood. I ended up not taking a lunch today so I
have an hour of overtime. I only have four hours of overtime on this check.
Without the overtime I can hardly make it. After work Fran picked me up so I
wouldn't have to walk home. She is still not speaking to me and is mad. At the
house was Linda Suazo and her brood and I am certain Linda has been bad
mouthing me to Fran. I needed to get out of the house and away from the scorned
women, so I went to Bob McIntiers where I was in time to participate in
Initiatory Ordinances in the Tabernacle. At Bob's house at least there was a
sweeter spirit. I had brought with me some color theater jells for Mike Howard
who wanted them. They were about all I had left from working the lights for shows
at the Special Events Center back in 1979. Mike looked so cute. While visiting
with Tony Feliz, I told him about what Jon had said about Ross LeBaron and how
I might go talk with him. Then Tony put on this authority face and counseled
that I should only go see Ross LeBaron with Tony present. I was contrite and
said that I would, although I don't believe for a second that Ross LeBaron
could persuade me to turn against my faith in the Restoration Church.
I
wasn't invited to stay for the endowment ceremony. David Ewing is having his
endowments taken out tonight. He is the first person to have his endowments
taken out within the authority of the Restoration Church. Michael Howard is
taking a name through the endowment for a Gay brother who was a member of the
church but died before he could receive his endowments. This is the first
ordinance for the dead within the church. A temple baptismal font will be up
and running around the first day of summer. Baptism for those Gays who have
died of AIDS and of violence is to be a special project of the church. It was
sweet being with the Brethren but not being invited to share in the endowment
ceremonies was disappointing but God's will be done not my own. I waited in
Bob's living room until the session was over then I was again sent out into the
lone and dreary world. I wasn't ready to go home to the contentiousness that
waited for me there so I drove over to Jon Butler's to tell him the counsel
that Tony gave me about Ross LeBaron but unfortunately for me he wasn't home.
So then I felt like I wanted to see Russ. At the Juel Apartments, he was
helping his landlady with her genealogy. Since I knew more about the subject
then Russ, he gladly relinquished her to me. After I had answered her
questions, she left and Russ and I began to visit about how things were going
on in our lives. Things were okay until he began to tell me how much he's
infatuated with Frank Fatah. I told him outright that I didn't wish to hear
about Frank. It really makes me angry when he starts on about all the guys he's
crazy about so we talked and talked and talked in circles with Russ explaining
over and over again why he didn't love me but only wanted me as a friend. Then
he had the nerve to say to me "let's just stay as we are!" He is such
a son of a bitch. He is holding all the controls of this relationship and
refuses to let me come in. Well fuck that. I said, “that's not good enough for
me,” because what does he think I am getting out of the relationship? Nothing
but grief and heartache while he gets emotional, physical, spiritual and
temporal support from me. Yet he gives his love to Frank Fatah because he says
they are so much alike! Well fuck the both of them. I am through; totally and
completely. To hell with the both of them and I am glad I am finally expressing
my anger rather then be the "nice guy". Maybe the anger will help me
purge him.
Additional Material-
: First endowments – David Ewing took out his own and Mike Howard went through for the deceased Clair Harward
Ross Wesley LeBaron: Within months of the organization of the Church of the Firstborn of the Fullness of Times, disagreements arose causing Joel LeBaron and Ross LeBaron to part ways. On 1 December 1955, Ross Wesley LeBaron incorporated his own church calling it simply, “The Church of the Firstborn.” During the ensuing decades, Ross remained in Utah and quietly promoted his own Church, cultivating a small group of followers. When asked in an interview 25 July 1959 concerning his priesthood authority, Ross stated that he was “ordained by his father in March 1950, and that Joseph W. Musser confirmed the patriarchal Priesthood of Dayer LeBaron the same day.” Reportedly at one time Ross LeBaron lived in a storage unit with a dirt floor. His beliefs extended beyond the doctrines of the restoration to include UFOs and other extra-terrestrial beings. Often invited to speak on local radio talk shows, most people considered him eccentric, but harmless. Ross’ significance was enhanced through the attraction of three young followers, Fred Collier, Tom Green, and Robert Black. All three of these disciples assisted Ross in exchange for an opportunity to learn his teachings. Fred would become a prolific writer and proponent of plural marriage. During the 1960s and 1970s, with the help of his wife Bonnie, Fred successfully acquired unauthorized copies of many documents that were smuggled in and out of LDS Church Archives. His copies of documents, journals, discourses and early biographies would form the basis for many of his later publications. Tom Green would become famous, or infamous, for his own endeavors to publicize his polygamous activities. Tom believed Ross possessed an incredible depth of knowledge regarding patriarchal authority. After the death of Ross Wesley LeBaron, all three, Collier, Green and Black, would each claim that they were the recipient of Ross’s priesthood keys. LeBaron was a prominent Western polygamist who died in 1997 at the age of 82. LeBaron was a quirky but peaceable sibling of Ervil LeBaron, a homicidal polygamist leader who ordered the 1977 murder of rival polygamist Rulon Allred in Murray. Ervil died in prison in 1981. ST. GEORGE, Utah--Patriarch, Ross W. LeBaron, Sr., age 82, died December 31, 1996 in Malad, Idaho. He was the father of 17 children and three marriages, Thelma, Betty and LaVella. He was born in Overton, Nevada on November 16, 1914 to Alma Dayr and Maude Lucinda McDonald LeBaron. He spent his younger years in the Mormon Colonies in Chihuahua, New Mexico. For many years, he held the pole vaulting record in Colony Juarez. He was recognized as a genius by many. 01/04/97 SLTribune E14)
11 June 1986 Wednesday:
I spent a very restless night after coming
home from Russ Lane's place. I kept tossing and turning all night as I mulled
over our conversation and after each of Russ' statements I kept saying
"fuck you". This morning when greeted by the chill of a distant wife,
I told her over breakfast that I wanted a place of mine own. I just can't live
with the stress and mess that greets me every time I come home. At work I
wasn't ignoring Russ as much as I didn't care what his sorry ass was doing. And
when I started feeling tender hearted towards him, as he flitted about the
office, I kept saying to myself (but directed at him), "fuck you."
That helped. I went out to lunch with Jon Butler who said that his life was up
in the air too. He is breaking up with Gordon Jones to renew a relationship
with Lon Wright, his former boyfriend. Lon lives over on 8th East, near Liberty
Park. Jon gave me some good advice and said I had to get over Russ and go on
with my life. I told him that it's easier said than done because in some ways I
love Russ more than I did John Cunningham and I still am not over him. After
work I went over Bob McIntiers because he had invited me to dinner as that Tony
is leaving for California tomorrow. He had several people over including Mitch
Golden, Alma Smith, Stephen Baustert, Tony Feliz, David Ewing, Jon Butler, and
Lon Wright. It was a nice dinner and he served ham and Mexican food which was
kind of a queer combination. We visited and got to know each other better and
it was a whole lot of fun. I learned that Alma Smith was one of the organizers
of the Salt Lake Affirmation along with John Cooper although he and Stephen are
members of Metropolitan Community Church now. When I finally came home, Fran
and I stayed up until after midnight discussing how we can separate our lives.
She tossed out the idea of getting a house so she could keep the cats and dogs.
I said I would agree to help support her with it but I am not very confident in
her ability to take care of herself let alone a house and the animals.
Additional Material- Stephen Baustert died September 1988 of AIDS and Lon Wright died 16
Sept 1994 of AIDS
12 June 1986 Thursday:
An exhausting day because of the lack of sleep
and from the emotional toll last night took on me discussing my marriage's
break up. I didn't speak to Russ Lane all day. It was hard on me but necessary.
Gordon Jones and Jon Butler are breaking up also. Tony Feliz, David Ewing and
the rest packed up and left for California leaving the Tabernacle set up in
Bob's basement. I called Tony before he left and told him that Mike Howard and
I are discussing the possibility of being sealed. He made me angry when he said
that he would have to pray and think about it. What does it have to do with
him? It's starting to get warm at night.
I am feeling really empty right now and would very much like to feel excited
again.
Additional Material
Revelation that Antonio A. Feliz and John R. Crane are to give each other the 2nd Anointing. (1)
13 June 1986 Friday
Seventeen years ago, I graduated from high
School and spent my senior night with going to dinner and a movie with John
Cunningham. Work was fun today with the crazy crew I work with, but every time
I saw Russ Lane my heart turned to stone. Jon Butler told me today that he's
going to ask Gordon Jones to leave tonight since they are no longer a couple. I
said if he needed to talk that we could go out tonight but he never called. I
got paid today $536 and walked to the credit union to deposit my check. From there
I walked the 3 miles home from work since Fran had the car. Tony Fillman and
his wife Wanda were in the front room when I came home, so Fran and I went into
our bedroom to talk. We kept going in circles. Should we break up or stay
together? Should we have separate places or share a place to save on rent? Fran
said she doesn't have a problem with me taking lovers but I do. It would not be
fair to either her or them. I am not a polygamist. The hardest thing we
discussed was what to do with our old lab Sam? We have had Sam since we were
married in 1977 but he's now getting very old with cataracts on his eyes.
Should we put him to sleep or not? His skin allergies have caused him so much
misery and he doesn't seem to be enjoying life but he's my best friend. When I
left him last year for two weeks, to come to Utah to find us a place to live,
Fran said he laid across the doorstep every night waiting for me to come
through the door. Not to have Sam in our lives is unimaginable. I love that old
black lab so much that I can't even bare the thought of having to do the
inevitable. After much discussion and having Sam lay between us, we resigned
ourselves to do it. It's out of respect for Sam's life that I am even
considering ending his. I'm going to call pet cemeteries next week to see how
to go about making the arrangements. I can't write anymore about this. It’s too
heart wrenching and disturbing. Fran and I simply had to get out of that house
so we took the dogs for a ride and we went over to see Jon Butler. He wasn't
home but we did encounter Gordon. He was distraught and confirmed that it was
over between the two of them. Gordon's tears just added to my own melancholy.
There’s so many relationships ending. We left Gordon and returned home. We sat
on the front steps and just talked about nothing in particular just familiar
conversation to avoid the words that might send us over into an abyss of tears
and regret.
Additional Material Benny Goodman, American legendary Big Band leader died ( 1909-1986)
14 June 1986 Saturday
Today was Summer Conference for the
Restoration Church and it was extremely interesting. Mike Howard picked me up,
and this fellow named Mike Pipkin was with him. Mike Pipkin is a large bear of
a man with striking blue eyes and black hair about 25 years old I think. Mike
Pipkin came with us to Bob McIntiers where the Conference goers in Salt Lake
City met. Morgan Smith came over this afternoon also, but Mike Howard and I
were the only members of the church attending. Bob was in Los Angeles but he
had a system on his phone where we could hear the Saints in Los Angeles and
they could hear us. During the business session, we hashed out the Revelations
that were presented to be included in the Hidden Truths and treasures. The
Conference lasted from 2 in the afternoon until 6 in the evening. After it was
over, Mike Howard, Mike Pipkin, and I went over to Beauchaine's Aardvark
Cabaret place he has on 6th South. He operates the Gay Help Line out of the
cabaret which is kind of a non-profit organization for a Gay Community Center
that Beau is involved in. The place is interesting and I hope he can make it
work. It was nearly eight when I arrived home and Fran had gone to Levan for
the weekend and took the car. So I took the State Street bus into downtown to
see if Jon Butler was okay, but instead I encountered Elbert Peck again. He
took me into his office at the Sunstone Magazine located near the Dinwiddie
Building on 1st South. We visited as he showed me around and I just love Elbert
because it doesn't matter to him if I am Gay or not; he still loves me. He said
that he loved me because I was in his eyes, "kind, spiritual,
intellectual, and loyal to my friends." His words nearly made me start to
cry and I told Elbert that I loved him for being able to see those qualities in
me when others can't. He's leaving tomorrow to return to Vienna, Virginia but
he will be back in July and permanently in August. After we parted I walked
over to Jon's place on 1st South and 300 East but he still wasn't home. It was
a great night to be out walking so I went to the corner 7-Eleven, got a Big
Gulp, and went back over to State Street to catch a bus back to 13th South. As
I walking down 300 East, I ran into Craig Hunter, the cutie. We visited for a
while and Craig said that he wouldn't be able to make it to church tomorrow. I
made it back to the house by ten at night.
It was so warm out and it felt good to be out of the house.
Additional material-"On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald is number
one song on national charts
General Conference held at John R. Crane’s home at 15034 Sunburst Street, Sepulveda, California
15 June 1986 Sunday
Fran returned from Lavan last night, but while
the car was here, she wasn't. I was up by 8 this morning to go to Smith's Food
King on 9th East and 800 South to buy a bag of oranges to help feed the street
people beneath the 4th South Viaduct. Yesterday when I was sunbathing at
Liberty park, I had read in the paper that this woman named Jennie Dunlap felt
that God had called her to feed the homeless. As I was reading about her, the
Lord impressed on me that this is something I needed to help with. Wondering what
I should do the Lord said buy oranges so I did. I bought $10 worth and brought
them down to the 4th South Viaduct at Pioneer Park. There I saw people lining
up to be fed breakfast and I asked someone if I could donate some oranges and
my labor. I was put to work immediately, peeling and slicing a bushel of
cantaloupe. I was told Dunlap feds nearly 200 people, vagrants, street people,
women and children, and it felt wonderful doing it. I spoke with Jennie and
asked her how she knew how many people to feed weekly and she told me that God
plans the menu with whatever people show up with to give. I was there until
11 and then went home to clean up.
Michael Howard called when I got home and wanted me to meet Beauchaine and him
at Liberty Park. I brought along a little picnic to the park, laid out a
blanket and myself. The sun felt wonderful. Mike and Beauchaine found me near
the volleyball nets and the central bathrooms. We visited and cruised the guys
going in and out of the men's room there. After eating Mike wanted to walk
through the Aviary which I had never done before. That was really fun. At three
we had to leave for Conference where I was to give the opening prayer. It
seemed a little queer to be praying into a phone but I know the Spirit was
there. Elder Pam Calkins gave one of the best talks I ever heard bar none when
she said in effect that Gay people were God's tithing to the world. She said
how we should be using our gifts and talents to magnify God's creation. Her
talk was so filled with the Holy Ghost that it converted Mike Pipkin, who just
yesterday was saying how he had no need for organized religion. The spirit was
with us and nearly over powering. Wonderful Wonderful. At Conference here in
Salt Lake City were Mark Lamar, Morgan Smith, Mike Pipkin, Mike Howard, and me.
Wondrous Working Power!
16 June 1986 Monday
Today is my sweet old crotchety Grandma
Johnson's 87th birthday. At work today I spent some time trying to call the
Humane Society about putting Sam down but I could never get through to them. It
was hard calling about a pet cemetery for Sam also. Russ Lane looked so sad today. I wonder what is
wrong. I can take Russ being mean and callous but I can't take seeing him sad.
But I have to remember that he has people he loves like Frank Fatah and
probably others who he can seek out to whom he can share with his sad moments.
He is a quite capable man and is able to take care of himself. I know that the
savior loves Russ and will see that he gets what he needs without my
interventions. And most of all Russ doesn't love me and gets along fine without
me. But I do miss him so. Or more correctly I miss what never was. Sigh. I
didn't take a lunch break but did talk to Jon Butler during morning break. I
wanted to see how he and Gordon Jones were holding up after the break up. Jon
says it’s hard because Gordon cries and says he has no place to go. So Jon told
him that he can stay another week at his place as long as he works all week. I
decided I wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union on the University
of Utah's campus tonight. I heard about the group on Concerning Gays and
Lesbians. I asked Jon if he wanted to go to and he did. But he also asks if
I minded Lon Wright and Gordon Jones coming along. I said of course they can.
At seven-thirty we drove to campus and after finding the meeting room in Orson
Spencer Hall, we discovered that the group was down at Liberty Park having a
barbecue.
We decided to head on down there and it was so
much fun playing volleyball and getting to know new people. I met this guy
named Lyle Bradley who works for KSL television who wants to get a group
together to go to San Francisco for Gay Pride Day. If I can swing it I sure
would like to go. He's really interesting and intelligent and so were the rest
of the LGSU group. It was good to meet
more people and get my mind off of Russ Lane. I was surprised that I knew more
people at the barbecue then I thought I would. There were of course we four,
and also Mark Lamar, John Cooper, and others I knew by sight but not by name.
There were about thirty people at the barbecue in the park.
17 June 1986 Tuesday
It is true that all things come to an end; and
today my fantasy world about Russ Lane, and now it see it was truly a fantasy,
came to an end. I have finally learned how Russ feels about me for real. No
more delusions and lies. I found a note in his office trash can, after I was
helping the office cleaning crew gather trash that told me how he felt. Russ
wrote:" The reason I haven't been attracted to you is because of your
blubbery, ugly assed body, your shitty breath and your wimpy-whining voice. Now
add to that I can't stand your childish immaturity." do think he was clear and succinct. Not that
I validate any of what he says, it is clear to me that he has never liked me
and has used me all this time. The peculiar thing is that I don't feel
anything, anything at all about this letter as I write about it. Except perhaps
relief or perhaps disappointment. At first I was so angry and hurt that I wrote
my own note back to Russ: "Russ, everyone warned me that you are bad news.
But I didn't listen. It's no wonder no one wanted to put you up when you came
back to Salt Lake. Yes love is blind because why else could I fall for such a
spindly gamey milquetoast thing like you. You think my breath is bad, my God I
don't know how I could stand your body odor and that red blotchy skin of yours.
What is really laughable is that you think you are good looking. Well Russ I
hope someday you grow up and stop being the manipulative user you are. But I
guess there are plenty of people you can step on until the pond gets too small and
off you go to some other asshole place. You once said we aren't alike. What a
great compliment! Boy how right you are. Well you have had your say -twice- to
me and now I have had mine. I really don't think I have to do anything to you
because you are your own worst enemy. PS Try not to talk anymore then you have
to because your faggy-shrilly voice is really embarrassing." I never sent
that letter. I began thinking how would Christ handle rejection and since I
knew I had to write him a letter to let him know I saw his torn up letter, I
wrote another letter which I left on his desk: “Russ, I know this is stupid to
write a goodbye letter but I have to say this to you. I don't know how to stop
these feelings I have for you. That's not correct. I don't know how to show I
care about your life without interfering in your life. I thought it would be
easy to simply let us leave each other alone; perhaps even start over like
April, May, and June never happened and I could get to know you again as I
would any stranger, with a clean slate, no entanglements, no history, and no
emotional attachments. But that's impossible.
Whenever I go to activities, someone will mention your name and all my
thoughts from that point on are on you. Russ as much as it might not seem like
it at times I do admire you so much and will always continue to take your part
when people disparage, and I will support you in all your endeavors. I've heard
through others about your involvement with forming ties with MCC and your
letter to the First Presidency condemning their intolerance. I have to let you
know how much I admire your convictions and staying true to your principles.
Russ I know you are fine and happy, and those that you love and love you share
in your triumphs and I want you know that I will also always care about your
comings and goings and will try to support you in a way that might not be as
vocal as I have been but is there just the same. You have touched my life in
ways so deep, in ways you can't imagine. But I am trying to get some priorities
right in my life. Mike Howard has been sweet to me and life is interesting
because good things are happening to me. I don't want you to be like John
Cunningham, someone I worried and wondered about for 13 years whether he was
happy in his life. Please allow me to know how things are going in your life
and it will be easier to stay out of your life so as not to complicate it
anymore then I have. Russ I will always think of you as a wonderful thing that
happened to me. You were like my own Halley Comet, illuminating my life,
shining brightly if so briefly. I can only hope that your life will be filled
with good things, with people who love you, and who can recognize who you are
and love you for it. We did share a moment that was so exquisite and because of
that I know I will never truly be on my own. You know I always wanted nothing
but good for you and I always will. Continue to be your enthusiastic,
charismatic self and you will never be without the love of many. As I once
heard you blessed saying ‘You are a joy and a delight.’ I don't know what this
letter purports to do other than to say goodbye. I had to write it and I hope
somehow in these awkward phrases the meaning in my heart will be conveyed to
you. I have been your servant - now only a friend. I do love you. Ben" I know I am going to
cry tonight but when I don't know. Russ' note in a way is good for me. I needed
to realize what a bastard Russ really is to get over him and get on with my
life. If I could just hate Russ I think that would be healthier then what I
have been putting my self through. But I don't. I only feel used.
Additional material Kate Smith, beloved American singer best known for God Bless
America during the 1930’s died today
18 June 1986 Wednesday
I didn't cry last night. I don't feel much of
anything except loss. I went into work and fooled around some. Jon Butler and I
went on a walk for our morning break and I read to him what Russ had written to
me and what I had written to him. Jon said he was so sorry. I am too. I told
Jon that if I ever start talking about Russ again to slap me upside the head.
I'm done with it. However after lunch
Stanley Dickie called and asked for some addresses in Sacramento I told him I
would get for him. I had called Tony Feliz last night and he said that the
people there who were interested in the church aren't anymore. So I didn't have
contact names for him after all. But Fran and I gave him $20 to help him on his
journey to California. I asked him to meet me at Bill and Nada's Cafe on 6th
East and 500 South on my afternoon break. There we visited some more and he
told me some news about Russ Lane and Mike Howard. I was mostly interested in
news about Russ of course. I related what Russ had done to me this time and he
asked to read the letter and I let him. Afterwards he said to me," I am so
sorry. That must have hurt." Funny.
I still didn't feel anything, maybe I will later. I went back to work and
stayed until 7 in the evening when I
then walked over to the Crossroads Urban Center with Jon Butler for the Salt
Lake Chapter of Affirmation. Fran was there already with Stan. Others attending
were John Cooper, Paul, Ed Benson, Mark Lamar, Erik and Dave. It was a pretty
good discussion group. After the meeting Ed said he looked over my resume that
I had him look at before I submit any applications for a teaching position this
fall. He then gave me a really good paper on Homophobia which is the irrational
fear of Gay people. Fran and I then took Jon home where Willy Marshall was
waiting. He had just returned from Atlanta where he bought a 1967 Corvette! It
was absolutely gorgeous. Willy said that the Libertarians are going to picket
the Republican Convention this Saturday for using public money to fund their
convention. I said I might join him there. We also made plans to see Rocky
Horror Show tomorrow at the Blue Mouse.
19 June 1986 Thursday
I had an ego boost this morning as I went into
work. This really cute guy flirted with me and said hello. So screw Russ Lane.
Work went okay today also. No biggies. I saw Lon Wright on my break and we
visited a little in the afternoon. He's still involved with Jon Butler. After
coming home from work I watched a little Television, mostly The Bill Cosby
Show, Family Ties, and Cheers. Then I left the house to go see Bob McIntier
but he wasn't back yet from California. So then I just went to the Downtown
Public Library and checked out some music records. I checked out some Cole
Porter tunes, and Debussy’s Claire de Lune.
After that I went to Liberty Park to run. I wanted to run off some anger
so I ran from 9th South to 13th West. I kept thinking what a son of a bitch
Russ Lane is for calling me a wimp. Twice he has unleashed his anger out at me
but I've tried to practice Overeaters Anonymous' principles and did not react
to him so he thinks I am a wimp for not fighting back. Well its always easier
to sink to the lowest denominator rather then trying to follow Christ's
example. So I went running to get it all out. The anger sustained me on my run
and it felt good to accomplish it. It's been over a year since I have been
running. Fran was asleep all evening. Depression. I cannot help it but I do
miss my friend Russ. I miss his humor. He could be so much fun. I do miss that.
My inward retreat is nearly half over now and have I accomplished anything?
Have I been more introspective? I want to go to San Francisco this coming
weekend for the Pride Parade but I don't know if I can swing it. I'll probably
procrastinate until it’s too late anyway. That's a decision in of itself. I
read the article again that Ed Benson gave me on Homophobia and it’s so right
on. People do have an irrational fear of homosexuals which is a mental illness
itself. I am on a vegetarian kick again. I haven't had meat or flesh of any
kind since Sunday. I have been eating fruits, veggies, herbs, and nuts. I've
had very little cheese and no milk. No refined carbohydrates or sugary
products. It feels great. It wasn't as warm today as it has been.
20 June 1986 Friday
For the first time all week I have cried over
Russ Lane. I was listening to Cole Porter's tune, "I get a Kick Out of
You," and it just made the tears pour in streams. Fortunately, it was
after hours at work so no one witnessed the water works. I worked until 7 this
evening and then took the bus home. After that I went out to Liberty Park to run. I am running
about 1/2 mile a day now. Fran and I are agonizing over what to do with the
animals when we split up. Put them all to sleep? I might as well put my heart
to sleep with them. At work earlier I
had asked people if they were still planning on going to Rocky Horror tonight
and they said yes. Kim, Gena, Debbie, from the recording department, Jon
Butler, Willy Marshall, and Carolyn, this friend of Jon's all said they would
be there. However when Fran and I went to the Blue Mouse at 11 tonight we waited until midnight and no one showed.
21 June 1989 Saturday
Summer! It's Summer time! Summertime! Sum Sum
Summer time! Yeah! I spent the morning at Cottonwood High School picketing the
Republican State Convention along with the Libertarians. Willy Marshall dropped
by about 8 to pick me up and I have been on the go all day. I helped carry a
sign that read, "Republicans Do It at Taxpayers Expense"! TV camera
crews were there so I was probably on TV again, marching and aggravating the
squeaky clean Republicans. Willy carried a sign saying, "Are You Honest In
All Your Dealings With Your Fellow Man?" which is a temple recommend
question. It was great! I Marched with this 47 year old Gemini Woman who told
me that she was an Income Tax Rebel. She said she thought that there would be
more Libertarian kids helping and I replied, "Well with all the Mormon
fundamentalists in the party, kids should be coming out of the wood work!"
She the looked at me squarely and announced, "I am a Mormon
fundamentalist!" I retorted, "Well that’s okay because I'm a Gay
Mormon!" A kid named Doug Jones also marched with us and he was drop dead
gorgeous. Besides Willy and me, other Gays there were Lon Wright and Jon Butler
who marched with a Punk Rocker and a Military Reservist. It was great!
Everything was going great for me until I overheard Willy Marshall ask Jon if
he wanted to go with him to Big Water Utah for Alex Joseph's 50th Birthday
party. I felt slighted that I didn't get an invite too. Que Sera Sera. Perhaps
it never occurred to Willy that I might want to go along. Still its kind of disappointing. Anyway the picketing lasted until about 11:30
in the morning. Willy dropped me back home and since Fran was at work, I walked
up to Utah Title to retrieve some personal papers I had left there. Walking back
down 6th East, I stopped at Liberty Park and laid out in the sun. KRCL was
having their Day In the Park Event so there were mega people there. I stayed
there for about an hour and a half, watching the boys in a Sun Tan Contest
before heading up to the $3 Barber Shop across the street on 7th East. I had a
hair cut and a beard trim. Still not wanting to be alone I went to the Deseret
Gym for the very first time. It wasn't as nice as the Holiday Health Spa gym I
belonged to in California but I did see Craig Hunter there. After we soaked in
the hot tubs there, he invited me back to his place on 3rd East to watched
videos and have some dinner. I stopped at the 7-Eleven on 1st South and 3rd
East to buy some cottage cheese for dinner because I still didn't want to eat
meat. We watched "Educating Rita", one of my favorite movies,
and visited for much of the evening. Craig told me some gossip about Russ Lane,
like how Russ had tried to seduce him when Russ first moved into the Juel
Apartments from my house. But Craig said he wasn't sexually attracted to Russ
because he's too tall and skinny! ha!ha!ha! Russ did tell Craig that I had a
cute face and that he owed me a lot for all that I had done for him. Well Russ
Lane! ha! ha! ha! Craig told me that he thought I was very attractive and then
we went to bed!ha!ha!ha! Afterwards Craig related that the reason he doesn't go
the Restoration Church anymore is because of the location in Rose Park. There
is no bus service on Sundays and he has no way to get out to the Fairgrounds. I
got to talk to Bob McIntier seriously about relocating back into downtown
central city. Even the Central City Multipurpose Center would be better then
where we are now. Meeting up with Craig Hunter tonight has been a real boost
for me. Thank you Heavenly Father for arranging it. So here I am sitting at a
Bus stop on 2nd South and Main Street waiting for the 9:30 transit. I missed
the 8:30 one by just minutes but it’s a nice warm summer night. There’s a Full
Moon and I’m listening to a car radio
blasting some top tune. It’s nice. Its magical. Salt Lake is beautiful in the
summer. The horse drawn carriages. The Trolleys. Now only if my bus would
come. I am really tired from lack of
sleep and I need to be home and rest. Fran received her transcripts from the
University of Utah today and she was very excited about that. She thought they
were being held up for some reason so now maybe she doesn't have to live in
fear and can get on with her life. I am definitely not going to San Francisco
next weekend. I will be staying here in Salt Lake picketing the Democrats. Hey
Russel Lane. I miss you. You were fun but life goes on.
Additional Material "On My Own" by Patti
LaBelle and Michael McDonald is number one song on the national charts
22 June 1986 Sunday
I went to Pioneer Park this morning to help
with the distribution of food for the street people under the Viaduct about 8.
We finished earlier then last time and I was through by 9:30. I came back home
where Fran informed me that she was going to an LDS Church meeting with Tony
Fillman and Wanda, so I left the house and walked to Liberty Park where I laid
out in the sun while reading the Sunday paper. John Howell, who I had met at
Liberty Park last August, saw me, and came over and sat with me. He then asked
if we could go back to his place and since I think he's really special I
agreed. John makes me feel Gay. We played together, using Crisco, which I
discovered is fabulous, until about 1 in the afternoon when I had to leave to
get ready for church. Mike Howard, always thoughtful, called and asked if I
needed a ride but since Fran went off with Tony and Wanda leaving me the car I
was okay. I was running a little late and the attendance was small, just Bob
McIntier, Mike Howard, Morgan Smith, Mike Pipkins, Russ Lane, Rick Belnap,
Charles, and myself. I had to sit next
to Russ, it being the only seat available. Bob conducted and presided while
Mike Howard and Mike Pipkin blessed and passed the Sacrament. We discussed last
week's Summer Conference held in Los Angeles, and Bob played a tape of the talk
Elder Pamela Calkins gave. It was good to hear her voice again. After church
came home and rested before going out for Sunday's Affirmation at the
Crossroads Urban Center. I went because Bob asked if I'd drop some church
literature and brochures off at Affirmation. He could have asked Russ Lane but
then I am the Bishop's Agent. I stopped by Craig Hunter's place before the
meeting to see how he was doing and he agreed to come along with me. At
Affirmation I had a good time. Russ, who was pissed at me at church this
afternoon and wouldn't even hug me, at Affirmation came up to me after the
meeting was hugging on me, I suppose because I was there to support Affirmation
and I had brought Craig along with me. I know I am getting over him but I still
like him as a friend.
It’s warm again and my poor old dog Sam is
chewing himself raw again because of either fleas or a skin allergy. I hate to
see him so miserable.
23 June 1986 Monday
I do not want to record this day but I must.
Today I lost my heart, my soul's delight, my little friends, my babies, Sam and
Toby. How can I write this through the tears? This morning Fran said that my
black lab, Sam, had a really miserable night, itching and scratching and in
torment. She said we should put him down and how would I feel if when I came
home tonight Sam was gone? I said I could handle that and she said she would
get her friend Shannon to help her. When the gravity of the situation of what
Fran was saying kicked in, my heart went numb and my head took over. I told
Fran that when she was ready I would take off from work and go with them to the
Humane Society. Fran then took me into work where I only worked for about an
hour. I could not concentrate because I kept starting to tear up. Fran called
about then and said she was taking Sam and Toby to Liberty park for a last walk
and about then my heart was breaking and I knew I couldn't stay at work. I told
Bob Elcock that I wasn't feeling well and had to leave. I told him that I would
be back later in the afternoon. I walked down to Liberty Park and saw Fran with
Toby and Sam by the enclosed Duck Pond. The dogs were so happy to see me and we
all sat under a shade tree where it was cool. I stayed with the dogs while Fran
went to McDonald's to get some hamburgers for them. We played and sat on the
grass and I groomed Sam. He's so scabby and has open sores so in my heart I
knew it was the right thing to do but he's been my Pal since 1977 and I can't imagine
life without him. No one had ever loved me so unconditional as he has. While
seeing Toby romp with Sam and lay next to him, I was impressed that we had to
put Toby down too. While Sam was always my dog, Toby loved Sam and was devoted
to him. That was a very hard decision perhaps the hardest decision of my life,
having to choose death over life for the sweetest darlingness dog that ever
lived. My sweet Toby. But in my heart I knew that Toby would grieve as much or
even more then us for his companion, which he has been with since Toby was a
puppy in 1980. I was just miserable thinking that this was their last walk,
their last meal, their last hugs, the last time I would hold my beloved Sam and
darling Toby. God how I hated to have to make this decision because I had the
power of choosing life or death. I hated it. I kept thinking of old Abraham and
Isaac, and how God would spare me at the last moment from the terrible task I
had to do. When Fran returned we let the dogs eat as many hamburgers as they wanted
and I so regret that we didn't get Toby some ice cream. He did love his sweets.
Maybe that is why he was so sweet. Shannon never hooked up with us which I
suppose is how God wanted it to be so we took Sam and Toby on a ride. Oh how
Sam loved to travel and then we drove to the Humane Society. My heart was a
stone and I kept calling upon God for serenity and strength to do what had to
be done. At the Humane Society, the woman at the desk was adamant that we
couldn't be with the dogs as they were put down. Fran was so upset that she
finally broke down. I then gently told the lady who would be administering the
shot, "We have no children and these are our babies", which must have
touched her heart because she allowed us to be them. As we waited for a room to
open up, I just held Toby in my arms, rocking him, while faithful Sam laid at
my feet. When the dreaded time came, we were ushered into a little sterile vet
room with a stainless steel table. With all my soul I wanted to bolt and run
away as far and as fast I could but cold hard reason dictated the rest of my
actions. The woman finally came back into the room with a helper and she was so
sweet to the dogs, so sweet. Her assistant tried holding Sam while she clipped
him for the needle, but old Sam, true to form to the end, tried to bite him so
I asked if I could hold him, like somehow I knew I would be doing. I owed him
that. I owed him for all the love and devotion he gave me throughout the years.
So I held my beloved Sam, as the shot was injected, and 1, 2, 3, he was gone. I
felt his spirit leave his old frail body, and he was gone. Now it was Toby's
time, sweet Toby. We sent him to be with Sam for they were never parted in life
nor will they be in death. I held Toby, and kissed, and kissed his sweet head
as he was given the shot. At the last he made such a pitiful, sorrowful sound
that it nearly broke my heart but I know it was not from any real pain and then
his body too went limp in my arms. My babies were gone. Fran hugged the woman
and I thanked her for being so kind and gentle with our dogs and to us. Then we
had to leave our dear companions and we drove home to an empty house. Our
anguish then was unbearable. Fran said that they were the heart and soul of the
home and so they were. No one can understand our loss. If Fran and I had just
lost our real children, people would be over to comfort, console, and cook for
us. No one understands that Sam was my best friend and I lost my best friend
and Toby, the sweetest spirit God ever created. I went back into work about 4
pm because I could not bear to be home in the awful silence. I am sorry that
Fran had to be there. Even though I had so much work to do, I was a basket case
at work. When Russ Lane came back to my work station with some work orders, I
told him, "We put Toby and Sam to sleep today." Russ didn't even turn
around to look at me but just said as he left, "That's too bad," and
I thought, you cold, unfeeling bastard. After six this evening, Jon Butler came
back to my work station and I started sobbing in his arms. My heart just could
not take anymore. I wanted to die and enter the spirit world to be with my
dogs. I miss them without words to express it. Russ then came back and saw that
I really was in a lot of emotional pain and he spoke to me really for the first
time in two weeks. He said, "No one could have loved them more then you
did, " and then he hugged me along with Jon, while we said a little prayer
to Heavenly Father. I had been thinking just before the pair of them came back
that no one cared, no one cared that my world came to an end today. But then
heavenly Father and Mother sent Jon and Russ to me. I could not finish work after that and went
home to my wife, where we cried and cried some more. I thought it was suppose
to get better but I can't help feeling that I made a terrible mistake. I wanted
my dogs in bed with me. I miss them terribly. God never put this decision on me
again. Wanda and Tony Fillman came by to comfort Fran and perhaps me but I was
inconsolable. Then Jon dropped by the house and I cried in his arms again, just
sobbing for my babies. It hurts so much that I feel like I should be put to
sleep also. If I did not believe that God has much more for Fran and I to do
yet in this Vail of Tears, I think I would have ended my life to be with them.
I miss them so much. Everyone says we did the right thing by Toby but I can't
help but feel guilty. I called mom this evening and told her about Toby and
Sam. She was sad of course but I don't think she really understood the
magnitude of our loss. No one can understand our loss. Our baby boy Sam is
gone. Throughout our entire married life, there were but a few months where we
didn't have Sam. It was always the three of us. Never the two of us. Then
darling Toby. Darling Toby. Our baby. What joy he brought to our lives. I
learned from Toby about the power of unconditional love wearing down all
barriers. I was so drained today, heart ache. Heartache. I really feel like
someone has beaten the shit out of me. Before going to bed, I prayed to Heavenly
Parents for comfort. I asked if there be anyone on the other side who loves us
to please look after Sam and Toby. I miss them so much. While lying in bed I
expect Sam to be at my side and Toby curled at my feet. I can't take much more
of this grief. It hurts so much. I almost feel like I am being punished but
what for? Where could I ever replace Toby? The house is an empty shell. Why go
to work when there's no joy in the home? Why fix dinner when there are no more
dogs to feed the table scraps to. I would never have done this if I had known
there would be so much pain and emptiness. Christ is a mender of broken hearts.
Heal my heart or send me the angel of death.
24 June 1986 Tuesday
It was not a happy day. I am still in a state
of grief, sorrow, and shock. I didn't want to go to work today but I thought
I'd better just to keep busy. I am in such a state of depression. All I can
think of is Toby's sweet happy smiling face. At work Canyon Anderson called me
into his office and told me that he was quite concerned about Russ Lane's
productivity. He said that Bob Elcock is considering letting him go so Canyon asked
if there was anything I knew of whereby he could help Russ. This news took me
by surprise because I had no idea that Russ was in trouble at work.
I asked Canyon if he's had a heart to heart
talk with Russ yet to let him know the urgency of the situation. He had not so
I went over to Russ' apartment at lunch. I told him that I was there only on
business and then related what Canyon had said to me and that I was quite
concerned for him. I told Russ that I
thought he should know what was going on so that he could address the problem
and fix it. I knew that Russ was going through some emotional issues because Jon
Butler told me yesterday that Russ was upset because he and Mitch Golden had a
relationship for a while as Mitch was coming out of a marriage. Russ said he
was in love with Mitch but after Mitch had sex with Russ, he dropped him. Jon
said that Russ was really upset over it but I couldn't help laugh thinking
about Karma. I told Jon well what goes around comes around. Russ found someone
just like himself! Well I still feel sorry for Russ. Jon also said that Mitch
had been leading a whole bunch of guys on including Duane Dawson and others
from Affirmation. Anyway I later learned that Russ did have a talk with Canyon
and Bob Elcock and said that he would increase his productivity. In the evening
Fran and I went to the movies to get out of the empty house. We saw "Pretty
In Pink" featuring Molly Ringwald but I wasn't really in the mood to
be entertained.
25 June 1986 Wednesday
It’s my sister Donna Jones's 37th Birthday. I
went to work today and each day's a little better. When I came home at lunch I
inadvertently called out "Sam", "Toby", half expecting to
hear the patter of their feet come running to greet me from some other part of
the house. Then I started to weep because I won't ever see Sam's old ears flop
as he runs and gallops to meet me or see little Toby leap and dance so happy
that I am home. No one is happy anymore when I come home. Not even me. It's not
home any more. Home is where the heart is and my heart is with Sam and Toby
where ever they are. Why did I put them down? I just did not think it would be
this hard. At work Shauna Mayeda is
being a real bitch but Jon Butler is being so sweet and supportive. Even
between Russ Lane and I there is an air of cordiality. My heart has soften
again towards him when Monday he was so sympathetic in my hour of grief. I do
think his heart was softening too. Life is too short and fragile to hold
grudges or to be miserable. If we only could all but try to make life easier
for each other rather than miserable. Jon Butler is so stressed out over Gordon
Jones that he can't concentrate at work. I told Gina today that I would help
train the girls in the recording department if she would let up on Jon. At home
tonight I didn't feel much like going to Family Home Evening at Ric Belnap's
place. Fran was out shopping for clothes so I just taped so music off of my
records and tried to straighten up the house. I vacuumed up some of Sam's hair
that he had shed all over the house. He's gone but his hair lingers on. I don't
care. I would rather be knee deep in dog hair and have them both back in my
arms. Mom called to see how we were holding up and she said that my grandma is
up and getting around doing things after she heard that grandpa has cancer.
Before that she would just sit in her rocking chair all day. Mom is still out
of work and she says its hard finding a job in electronics right now. Dad is
wearing himself out because he's such a perfectionist at work. My nephew James
is finally going to get his driver's license and my niece Denise is really into
snakes right now. She is such a tom boy. I wonder if she will be a
Lesbian? I tried calling John Howell
after mom hung up but he was still at work at the Cabana Club on 400 South.
John Butler then called me from Lon Wright's place. Jon is going to house sit
while Lon and a friend of his visit New York City this weekend. It would be fun
to be there over the 4th of July because New York is celebrating the 100th
anniversary of the Statue of Liberty. It will be a big to do. Fran informed me
that she wants to keep the cats after we separate. I said I didn't care. She
found them and they are her responsibility as the dogs were mine. I did my duty
by the dogs but it would have been easier just have put me down with them. Fran
also informed me that she's quitting Taylor-Maid and is looking into selling
pension plans to federal employees. I don't know what she will end up doing.
Our friends from California called and when we told them about putting down the
dogs, Renie Whitney agreed and said that Toby would have grieved himself to
death and that we did the right thing by him. Her words meant a lot to me
because Renie knew how much we loved "Sammer". She said that she's
glad that she doesn't have the responsibility of her pup Hostage, who died a
month ago, any more.
26 June 1986 Thursday
President Tony Feliz called me at work from
California. He said that the reason for his call was to recover the addresses
of the members of the church here in Utah. Yesterday someone broke into Eddy
Muldong's car and stole his backpack which contained all the church's records
and history. I told Tony that I would get them for him. Mike Howard later
called me to see if I was still going to San Francisco for the Gay Pride Parade
or knew of anyone else who was going. I told him that while it sounded like so
much fun, it was a little too whirl winding for me, and besides I am still
grieving from having put Sam and Toby to sleep earlier in the week. He said he
understood. In the afternoon I called John Howell and we visited some. I can't
tell how he feels about me from his vibes. I enjoyed John Howell's company so
much but I want to see in what direction our lives go. There needs to be more
then Crisco and poppers between us. I took Jon Butler home with me for lunch
and fixed him some tuna fish sandwiches. I am still not eating meat. I had a
salad and salsa and chips. Jon wanted to talk about Lon Wright. He's worried
about this new friend of his. Not much could I say, so I just listened. Jon has
been so sweet and supportive this week. Even Russ Lane and I are almost back to
a working relationship. hen I came home in the evening the house seemed so
empty. Even Jon commented saying you could feel the loss of the dogs' karma. My
landlady informed me that our rent check bounced. I told her that Fran would
take care of it since she takes care of the checking account. It makes me worry
where she has been spending our money? She wanted me to go to the movies but I
didn't. It’s just an escape from the pain and I want to deal with it. I would
like to be alone this weekend however. I hope Fran will go down to Levan or
else maybe I could spend the weekend with Jon since Lon Wright is going to New
York. I read my journal from 1984 because it has some good Overeaters anonymous
principles in it and that my Heavenly Father said that I am okay as I am.
What's in my head? Pain, grief, hurt, uncertainty, guilt, loneliness,
anticipation. What of my wife? She's my best friend and I am hers but there's
got to be more for me. There must be more.
27 June 1986 Friday
Such a fun day! At work Russ was so hyper
about going to San Francisco for Gay Pride and I was so spaced out about going
on a date with John Howell that work flew by. Only bummer today was that Kim,
the girl in recordings got fired. That was sad for sure because she was a hoot.
Fran was not at the house when I got there but had already gone out so I
cleaned up and went to pick up John. We went to Hibachi, a Japanese restaurant
on South Temple that had private booths were you sit on bamboo mats on the floor.
We had teriyaki and saki and really a sweet time. Afterwards we went to the
In-Between bar on Second South and Sixth West for a night cap and we sat on the
patio beneath the stars. I thought it was romantic and Patty LaBelle was
singing some soulful song over the sound system. John had to be at work early
tomorrow and I had promised Jon Butler to go to the Democratic State convention
tomorrow early so we called it a night about 11. I just love kissing on John
Howell and the back patio of the In-Between is such a neat secret garden.
Additional Material The 1986 National conference of Affirmation was held in conjunction
with National Gay Pride Week in San Francisco. Carol Lynn Pearson, a very
prominent LDS writer, was the keynote speaker for the conference. She spoke of
her experiences and insights in caring for her husband, Gerald Pearson who had
recently died of AIDS. Carol Lynn Pearson, a Mormon Poet, published Good-bye I
Love You, an account of her Gay husband’s struggles with his homosexuality and
eventual death from AIDS. The book brought the reality of AIDS to the
mainstream Mormon community. “I’m sure it will be a shock to some people that I
would choose even to discuss this.. There’s no way in the world that anyone
could approach these topics and hope to please all of the people all of the
time. However it’s important to note that the book is not an attack upon the
Mormon Church… I just suggest that all of us need to look at the matter with
more realistic eyes and be able to talk about it.” Stated Carol Lynn Pearson.
Russ Lane Chapter Director of Wasatch Affirmation attended conference in San
Francisco.
28 June 1986 Saturday
I didn't go with Jon Butler and Willy Marshall
picketing at the Democratic Convention after all, because I slept in so late
after staying out with John Howell and having a bit too much to drink. It was
just as well because I heard that the police said they were going to arrest
them if they didn't stop. So I went to Liberty Park instead after going grocery
shopping and dropping clothes off at the dry cleaners. At the park I saw Mark
Lamar and we visited for much of the afternoon while laying out in the sun. He
is unhappy with the direction the Restoration Church is going and may be
leaving it. We later walked through Tracy Aviary. It was the first time I had
ever been inside. It made me sad however when we walked by the duck pond in the
center of the park because that is the last place I played with Sam and Toby.
In the evening back at the house, Fran and I talked more about splitting up. I
think we are going to actually do it. We left the house in the evening to go
shopping at Weinstocks at the Crossroads Mall. We bought some summer clothes.
Later at midnight Fran and I went to the Blue Mouse to see The Rocky Horror
Picture show again. We saw Mark Haslim this guy I met at Affirmation there and
we sat together. We had a terrific time. There was so much water being thrown
in the theater that it was just wild. All in all, it was a fun day and we
needed it. I am still missing Sam and Toby so much that I think my heart will
break.
Additional Material Gay attorney Howard Johnson offered an amendment to the Human Services
and Resources section of the Utah Democratic Convention's resolutions
addressing civil rights, proposing that the words “sexual orientation" be
added. The amendment was defeated by a large margin. Later the same day Bryan
Stone Daly and Michael Aaron sponsored a plank in the party resolutions that
the Utah Democratic Party would support funding for education, research,
treatment, and hospice programs in response to the AIDS epidemic. The motioned
passed without dissent.
- "On My
Own" by Patti LaBelle and
Michael McDonald is number one on national charts
29 June 1986 Sunday
I slept in again after being out so late last
night. The weather is simply beautiful and warm. I didn't even make it over to
feed the street people beneath the viaduct because it was nearly ten before I
even woke up. Fran had gotten up before however and had been out buying a
Sunday newspaper. After she was through with it I took it down to Liberty Park
and lay out in the sun drinking my Big Gulp. I stayed there until one-thirty
then walked back to the house to get ready for church. I really didn't want to go but Fran did so we
went. Only Bob McIntier, Mark Lamar (who was dressed as Alice Foxx), Ric
Belnap, Morgan Smith, Fran and I were there. It was a very small turn out. Most
of the meeting was taken up with putting Tony Feliz's New Revelations into the
Hidden Truths and Treasures. After sacrament we discussed moving from the
Northwest multipurpose center back to downtown. I spoke up saying that several
people, including Craig Hunter, have expressed their concern about meeting in
Rose Park so far from the Gay community which is mostly located in central
city. Bob of course would rather that we stay on the Westside closer to where
he lives. I didn't go to Affirmation
tonight because without Russ who went to San Francisco, I am sure it would have
been boring.
Additional material
Gay Day at Lagoon. Gay Pride Day at the Lake Park Pavilion. Over 300
Gay men and Lesbians attended. Resurrection MCC held services at Lagoon with
Rev. Bruce Barton including a moment of silence to remember AIDS victims.
Activities were held on National Gay Pride Day and was sponsored by Triangle
Magazine.
30 June 1986 Monday
Could it be an entire week since putting the
dogs to sleep? I miss them terribly. Our cat Killer is so upset, just meowing
and crying all the time searching for them. I know he must be missing them too
since he was raised from a kitten with them. Russ Lane sure looked sun burned
and tired from his trip to San Francisco for Gay Pride. When I came home from
work Fran was gone. She didn't leave a note but is probably with Tony Fillman
and Wanda. In the evening, I went out to
met this kid named Tom. Ed Benson, the retired school teacher, wanted me to
talk to him about the Gay community in Salt Lake. I said I would but said I
didn't feel like I knew much myself. He's this nice guy from Texas but not
someone I would be attracted to. He was down on his luck looking for work so I
helped him out by buying a tank full of gas. He said he wants to stay in Salt
Lake because he feels like the Lord wants him here. Who can argue with that? So
this is the end of June. It’s the thirtieth day of my retreat of trying to figure
out where my life is leading me. What a strange month it has been. Jon Butler
broke up with Gordon Jones and sent him packing. I am breaking up with my wife.
I broke off my obsession with Russ Lane in my own way and my sweet dogs went to
sleep in June. I wonder what the Restoration Church has in store for me? Is it
still relevant to my life? Tony Feliz is not the man that I wish to be
directing my spiritual progress. My life is still very Christ centered but if
the church is not then it cannot be relevant to me.
Additional Material
The Golden Spike Gay Rodeo Association went to the Rocky Mountain Gay
Rodeo Association’s Regional Rodeo in Denver. For the first time Utah was
recognized in a regional rodeo.
- The U.S. Supreme Court
ruled 5-4 in the case of Bowers v. Hardwick that homosexual activity
between consenting adults in the privacy of the home was not protected by
the Constitution.
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